#also I know the lovers rock bit is a sample from something else but the song was the inspo soooo

[crystalpalacesasaki]

Dead Boy Detectives (2024) // Lovers Rock by TV Girl

[gyujeongfmd]

love languages — headcanon, playlist and aesthetic

summary — love love love, what’s it good for? absolutely nothing. yet, to gyujeong love remains something holy and sacred, he keeps close to his heart. it takes him quite a bit to reach this stage, but once he’s there he’s afloat. his person is his home, and the way he shows it is through his primary love languages: acts of service, and quality time. response to that is just as well the same as he requires the same amount he pours in or else the dissonance gets to him. playlist summary — gyujeong’s primary way of showing he loves / cares for someone beyond the scope of a friend is through a playlist. though he’ll make playlists for friends, those types are usually just copy and pastes of his most listened to music. however, for those he loves, he makes sure to take thought to craft a careful story in each of the playlists he creates. it’s by his nature he doesn’t want a response up front, but hopes that each person takes in the listen to read between the lines of what he can’t say sometimes. (maybe, he’s embarassed. or maybe, he just doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings). wc — 583

playlist:

1 볼빨간사춘기 — 처음부터 너와 나 / bol4 — you and i from the beginning 2. h.e.r ft. daniel caesar — best part 3. jesse barrera, michael carreon, albert posis — maybe we could be a thing 4. 적재 — 처음 사랑해 / jukjae — first love 5. 죠지 — everyday / george 6. post malone — i like you 7. 멜로망스 — 사랑인가봐 / melomance — love, maybe 8. 폴킴 — 있잖아 / paul kim — hey 9. 치즈 — 좋아해 / cheeze — i like you 10. 케이윌 — 오늘 부터 1일 / k. will — day 1

for context, i want to preface that gyujeong has no game at all. lmao, it’s non existent, and he’s terrible at dating. in fact, he’s only had one girlfriend in his whole entire life, and that started when he was young

thus, he continues to have no game and tbh in future scenarios, i only see him falling in love again in a situation where the person likes him first, and he doesn’t realize until the confession that what he feels is feelings more than just steady conversation (i hope that makes sense)

nonetheless, with his small sample size — gyujeong is still pretty much a rock solid lover

in terms of being whipped, he’s really whipped. he’ll tell people within their first conversation that he’s in a relationship, and to please respect that while also ensuring that he doesn’t cross boundaries with anyone aka: he will avoid people like the plague if he thinks that it would make his partner uncomfortable

his love languages are pretty simple — acts of service, and quality time together

acts of service constitute the majority where he’ll write handwritten letters, make playlists and take them out a few times a week (schedule allowing). the reason for the letters are because he’s technically not that good with words, and feels like when he has time to write up a draft and explain things concretely, he’s able to emphasize his words a bit better

similarly with playlists, he thinks the most intimate form of communication is through these playlists. not many people understand his music taste, nor does he share his suggestions often — so, having these playlists constitute of a lot of ballads, slow paced songs he wants to share with someone. aka: he’s a gatekeeper of music, but he’ll open his gates for his person

though, he doesn’t want to listen to the playlist together when he first gifts someone a mixtape. instead, what he wants is to plug earphones in their ears, and take a walk together without saying anything. he just wants to kind of bask in the silence by taking a silent walk while his partner is listening to the songs, and he just observes the reaction — odd tidbit, i know, but what’s gyu to do

and in regards to walks, he’s not really a superficial person in regards to having gifts or giving gifts. instead, what he wants most is to spend quality time? he thinks love should have that at the forefront of the foundation, and he wants to do nothing with his person. though he doesn’t cook often, he learns to cook because he thinks it’s nice to prepare a meal together or to bake a cake to celebrate 100 days together (ofc he’s only done this once, so yeah…. wishful thinking on his own part).

he just likes quality time whether that be lounging around in the house together, taking walks around hangang or just people watching in a cafe. he’s pretty low-matinenced in that he wants to make trivial? minor? memories with his significant other. sure, you can have big planned events but he thinks linking the day-to-day activities mean more than anything else

i guess you could say he’s a bit clingy? and for someone who doesn’t really like physical touch all that much, he does like hugging/holding hands/cuddling with his partner. he just likes having them around because at the end of the day, his version of how he shows and appreciates love comes down to that.

he’s a hopeless romantic who watches too much romance anime anyways lol

[lovejustforaday]

Sonic Youth Albums Ranked (Part 3)

6. Sister (1987)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock

This is the first LP in the Sonic Youth discography accessible enough to be labelled a true ‘Alternative Rock’ record. It’s still rough around the edges, but Sister is full of catchy hooks and thrilling guitar sounds. I feel like this record and Daydream Nation probably went on to spawn at least 200 new alternative rock bands by the time the 90s came around (not that I was there to see it or anything, just speculation).

Sister deserves a lot of credit for solidifying on tracks like “Catholic Block” and “Stereo Sanctity” what would become the dominant formula for the band’s sound throughout most of the rest of their discography. I think that's part of the reason why this is Sonic Youth’s second most acclaimed and beloved record. Perhaps some fans would even be downright offended that I only put this at #6 on the list, but trust me when I say that this is only because the band has made so many fantastic records. In fact, for most bands, this would easily be their greatest record.

I can still remember the first time I heard the opening to “Schizophrenia”, I had never heard anything quite like it. The guitars sound upbeat yet worn out and dejected, making me feel isolated and almost spiritually weak when I listen to this track, yet somehow also comforted. The song is partially inspired by Kim’s older brother who has schizophrenia, though the roles are reversed in this song with a brother whose sister is schizophrenic. It’s a deeply fascinating and memorable piece, and I can see why many fans consider this to be a top five Sonic Youth track.

Most of the rest of Sister is very scratchy and punkish with some very tight guitar work, like “Catholic Block” which boasts one of my favourite melodic riffs in the Sonic Youth canon. There’s also “Hot Wire My Heart”, another major highlight and a cover of the obscure British punk band Crime, where Sonic Youth takes their song and upgrades the guitars and drums while also adding a bold wall of feedback at the end.

Then there’s “Pacific Coast Highway”, a completely sickening song and one of Kim’s very finest moments as a lyricist and vocalist. This haunting noise rock jumble tells the story of either a unhinged stranger, or perhaps a resentful ex-lover, who is obsessively catcalling the listener from their car, with the not-so-subtle implication that you’re all by yourself somewhere and that this person intends to harm you. I have no idea if this was written about a personal experience, but I do know from listening to their voices that this is something many women have either gone through or live in perpetual fear of. Seriously fucked up stuff, but also one of Sonic Youth’s very best tracks.

"Cotton Crown” is an odd one out in the Sonic Youth discography; an uncharacteristically sincere but still off-kilter love song that Kim and Thurston sing as a duet. Their voices are a bit out of tune with each other, but i think that honestly fits the Sonic Youth aesthetic and it’s sweet in its own quirky way, although very bittersweet decades later with hindsight about the fate of their relationship. Sort of a noise rock lullaby almost, maybe even with hints of early shoegaze.

Sister does a really good job of taking the seemingly juxtaposing ideas of the ‘fun’ and the ‘grotesque’ and fuses them together. This album is both largely exciting and still somehow alienating and depressive. It’s textbook Sonic Youth, really. I will say that the best tracks are clustered together with a noticeably weaker middle portion, but really this is still a consistently great record throughout. Altogether, Sister is one of the many entries in the band’s discography from 1986 through 1990 where Sonic Youth could basically do no wrong. A classic record.

9/10

highlights: “Pacific Coast Highway”, “Schizophrenia”, ‘Catholic Block”, “Cotton Crown”, “Hot Wire My Heart”, “Beauty Lies in the Eye”

5. A Thousand Leaves (1998)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock

A decent sampling of: Alternative Rock, Post-Rock, Neo-Psychedelia

I’m just gonna say this now: A Thousand Leaves is by far Sonic Youth’s most underrated record. It’s also the last truly amazing record that the band ever put out. Maybe it’s just the bizarre choice of an album cover that turns people off of this LP. Really, what the hell were they going for here with the minimalist hamster vibes? The beautiful title really suggests something a lot more visually stunning.

In all seriousness though, I feel like nobody talks about this one because it’s overshadowed by its predecessor Washing Machine, but if there’s one area that this record exceeds above all other Sonic Youth LPs, it’s that it perfectly captures that mellow feeling that the later Sonic Youth albums were inclined towards. Not a lot of Sonic Youth records put me at ease like this one does.

Likewise, this is maybe the most ‘feel-good’ record in their discography along with Murray Street. But where Muray Street is something you could put on in the background and enjoy pretty modestly, A Thousand Leaves is a largely experimental, out-of-body experience that pulls you into its surreal, flowery, evergreen world.

“Contre Le Sexism” is a perfect opener for this kind of record; this quiet daze of a waking dream is both dainty and delirious, alluding to Alice in Wonderland with Kim’s vocals never before sounding so gentle and bright. I swear I start to hear a door creak at the end. Maybe that’s the sound of stepping out into the rest of A Thousand Leaves.

What follows immediately after is “Sunday” which is actually one of the band’s poppiest moments, making it somewhat of an outlier on this highly avant-garde and immersive record. But the warm spring vibes of the melody fits right in. The wall of sound introduced during the bridge is a soft mesmerizing bliss more akin to a band like My Bloody Valentine, if not for the tiny distant screeches of atonality whirling around here and there. As a big fan of both bands, I’m all for this kind of sound.

“Wildflower Soul” is easily one of the best things Sonic Youth has ever written. Endless amounts of creativity are poured into this nine minute noise rock acrobatics performance along with a lyrical ode to love, nature, and childhood. The vibes of this one are really quite jaw-dropping given the fact that these are the same guys who wrote “Schizophrenia” and “Death Valley ‘69″. There’s such unison and harmony in the band’s performance here as they switch between different bpm and even time signatures, and the usage of the heavy phaser effect towards the end sounds nothing short of godlike. "Wildflower Soul” almost feels like an entire album experience in one song, and I’m beyond impressed every time I listen to it.

This makes for a hard act to follow, but A Thousand Leaves still has plenty of other highlights. “French Tickler” is a strange and satisfying track that switches back and forth between a playful melody and churning, stretchy distortion. “Karen Koltrane” is a murky but textured portrait of Lee Renaldo’s ex-girlfriend, who got addicted to hallucinogens and became heavily withdrawn from the rest of the world. “Snare, Girl” is a soothing spell where Thurston sounds like he’s trying to coax the listener into a never-ending slumber.

My only real complaint here is “Hits of Sunshine (For Allen Ginsberg)”, a lackadaisical jam session that sounds cool enough, but really overstays its welcome given the lack of development it achieves over its eleven minute run time. It’s a nice piece to vibe to, but it very noticeably disrupts the album’s flow. Take this one track away entirely, or even just edit it down severely, and this would probably be a 10/10 record for me.

Still, wow what a cool album. A Thousand Leaves is a great example of why I respect this band so much. Even this late into their career, Sonic Youth were willing to try so many new bizarre things while also building judiciously upon the foundations of their past work with great attention to detail. I wouldn’t recommend most people start with this one, it’s definitely a bit more challenging especially if you haven’t listened to some other really weird experimental rock records. But once you’re in the right headspace for it, it’s easy to get almost completely lost in A Thousand Leaves.

9/10

highlights: “Wildflower Soul”, “Sunday”, “French Tickler”, “Karen Koltrane”, “Snare, Girl”, “Contre Le Sexism”, “Heather Angel”

4. Goo (1990)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

Goo was my very first Sonic Youth album, and I can definitely still feel some of the old teenage angst that I had at the time whenever I listen to this one. What probably adds to that feeling is the fact that this along with Daydream Nation is one of the two albums in the band’s discography that I’d say possesses a great deal of immediacy. Albums like Sister and A Thousand Leaves are a bit more subtle and they take a while to be fully digested. But this one, this one hit me like a brick wall.

Between “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Kool Thing”, and “Cinderella’s Big Score”, Goo is above all others the Sonic Youth record where Kim Gordon is really the star of the band, featuring not one but three of her most captivating songs. Likewise, I would also say that this is Sonic Youth’s most overtly feminist and socially conscious record.

I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, but to me the opener “Dirty Boots” really does sound like “Teen Age Riot” part 2. That’s not a bad thing of course, Sonic Youth making more songs like “Teen Age Riot” could never be a bad thing, and “Dirty Boots” is definitely one of the highlights of Goo with its massive build up of kinetic energy. That being said, I do have to say that I don’t think any song could do this particular kind of album opener better than “Teen Age Riot” already does it, but I still really do enjoy “Dirty Boots”.

“Tunic (Song For Karen)” is one of Sonic Youth’s most poetic and poignant songs. Kim’s sing-talking voice is even more solemn than usual as she takes on a surreal retelling of the final days of drummer/pop star pioneer Karen Carpenter from her perspective, highlighting the severity of her loneliness and the criminal negligence of many of the people around her who let her succumb to her eating disorder. Set to a backdrop of stark and droning alternative rock, I would say that this is possibly the band’s most depressing moment and certainly one of the biggest statements that they ever made.

A lot of the rest of Goo is actually pretty fun though. “Kool Thing” features Chuck D on guest vocals, and its a funny sarcastic take down of the subjugation of women’s voices in supposedly liberated spaces like the world of rock and hip hop, inspired by the time Kim interviewed L.L. Cool J and attempted to have a political conversation. The song mocks L.L.’s attitude towards women while also poking fun at Kim’s own self-perceived elitism. There’s also “Mote”, a sensational head rush that dissolves into noise rock weird-isms, sorta recreating the feeling of going from buzzed to totally black out.

“Mildred Pierce” is almost a practical joke but I kind of love the hell out of it anyway. A short track with lyrics consisting only of the song’s title, it starts with the band getting into a nice little riff before (without warning) bursting into a hardcore punk cacophony as Thurston screams the name over and over into the listener’s ears. Made me jump the first time I heard it.

And then there’s “Cinderella’s Big Score”. If “Schizophrenia” vaguely hinted at Kim��s estranged relationship with her older brother, then “Cinderella’s Big Score” confronts it dead on. Featuring some of the band’s most totally insane and disfigured guitar work ever, this song sounds harsh and militant, like the dawn of a nuclear cataclysm. It’s very hard to believe that Kim is 37 years old here; she reverts to sounding exactly like a hurt teenage little sister, rebelling against her childhood trauma and lashing out at her brother’s past bullying and now his cold indifference towards her.

The song grapples with some very painful emotions, but the experience is raw and cathartic. “Cinderella’s Big Score” is definitely somewhere in Sonic Youth’s top 10 tracks for me; it just doesn’t get any realer than this. Honestly, the record could’ve ended here. I like “Titanium Expose” enough as a closer, but this would’ve made a really powerful and lasting impression to end the album.

Despite that, Goo is an excellent Sonic Youth record that demonstrates just how much the band had mastered their craft after a decade of making all sorts of noises. Obviously I’m biased since it was my own first Sonic Youth record, but I really do feel like this is the very best place to start with the band. Goo is one of their more melodic and accessible offerings, but it’s also one of their most provocative records and it really captures the essence of Sonic Youth’s identity.

9/10

highlights: “Cinderella’s Big Score”, “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Mote”, “Kool Thing”, “Dirty Boots”, ‘Mildred Pierce”

3. EVOL (1986)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: No Wave, Alternative Rock

If Bad Moon Rising was bleak and desolate, than EVOL is disturbed, uncanny, and deeply paranoid. Sonic Youth’s third record evokes the feeling of being all alone at midnight on a sketchy highway, complete with mental images of flickering street lights and looming shadowy figures. I mentioned earlier that I have to be in the right mood to enjoy Bad Moon Rising, but this record puts me in the right mood almost instantly whenever I put it on.

EVOL isn’t exactly a no wave album like their first two records. The highly experimental influence is still there, but the arrangements are starting to sound fuller and more intentional.

You could say that this LP marks somewhat of a transitional phase between Sonic Youth the no wave band and Sonic Youth the alternative rock band, and in many respects it has the best of both worlds. There’s a few catchy darker alternative rock songs here and there, sandwiched between tracks that could best be described as ‘mad scientist’ music, which altogether creates a varied and unique album experience.

“Tom Violence“ immediately establishes the tone of EVOL with crooked, scraping flashes of post-punk guitars. This track reminds me of heads hung low, bodies slouched uncomfortably, and the feeling of being completely wide awake at 2:00 am. There’s something very unfriendly that lurks beneath the dissonance of these sounds.

If “Tom Violence” is uneasy, then “Shadow of A Doubt” is an auditory nightmare, managing to capture something akin to the fear of being watched by an unknown stranger hiding in the shadows. Notes are gently plucked like icy cold fingers slowly crawling up the listener’s back while Kim whispers about murder plots and oneirophrenia. The “just a dream” lyrical motif is first uttered reassuringly, but eventually turns into a desperate plea as Kim begins to shout frantically and the music intensifies.

The album dials down the spook factor a few notches with “Starpower” and “In The Kingdom #19″. The former is an early example of Sonic Youth’s ability to combine melodic hooks with meandering chaos that would become refined on the next few LPs, while the latter features Lee’s first solo vocals (and one of his best performances) reciting a lucid, jet black vision of a car accident. Thurston threw firecrackers into the recording studio when they did Lee’s vocals on this track and you can hear it in the recording, and just like “Mildred Pierce” it really caught me off guard the first time I heard it.

“Secret Girl” is the scariest fucking thing in the whole Sonic Youth discography, and also just one of the scariest songs I’ve ever heard. It starts with a deep shuddering thud that sounds like it’s getting closer and closer. Then out of nowhere, a cassette-recording of an old detuned piano starts to play a simple, unnerving refrain while Kim offers a cryptic and uncomfortably suggestive spoken word piece. It feels like a scene that might play out in a horror film, where a television screen comes on by itself and the person on the screen begins to talk directly to the viewer.

Finally, there’s “Expressway To Yr Skull” (alternatively titled “Madonna, Sean, and Me”), which would be my #1 Sonic Youth album closer if not for the #1 album on this list. That being said, this song is still one of the biggest highlights of the band’s career. "Expressway To Yr Skull” starts off restless and spectacular, leading up to an utterly earth-shaking climax, and then it’s as if the song promptly dies, only to become a lingering undead entity that pulls you down with it. I still can’t get over how the ending really manages to sound like it’s dragging you down further and further into its barren depths.

To add to that, there’s actually a locked groove on the original vinyl release of this LP that plays the last little bit of “Expressway To Yr Skull”, meaning that if you let the needle sit there, it will forever loop that last little bit of droning at the end of the track. I really appreciate this little detail; it’s as if the pervasive darkness of EVOL is so encompassing that it could turn into a deep midnight that never ends.

EVOL is honestly so close to being a 10 for me, but just like Sister I find that it is decently weaker towards the middle. Still, I’m absolutely enamored with the atmosphere on this album. No gothic rock record has ever managed to sound so deeply unsettling to my ears like this little experimental record does. You really just have to experience this one for yourself. Honestly, don’t be surprised if in a year or two I’ve changed my mind and bumped this one to a 10.

9/10

highlights: “Expressway To Yr Skull”, “Shadow Of A Doubt”, “Tom Violence”, “Secret Girl”, “In The Kingdom #19″, “Starpower”

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #4

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Celestite of Emptiness

“Could you take this with you?” the beautiful jeweler asked me, a stone in his hand.

What he was holding was a rock that looked exactly like a potato. It was dry and rough, with almost nothing to show off about it. It was about the size of a child’s fist.

“Our trade partner added this as an extra. It was mostly forced on me, though.”

“Even if you say that... what am I supposed to do with it?”

As I asked this, Richard said, “You can, for example, make it into a gift.”

He was probably thinking of Tanimoto-san. Indeed, since she loved minerals, I did think that she would like even this kind of plain rock, but...

“No... the aquamarine I bought a while ago is still on-hold, so...”

I had a stone that I wanted personally wanted to prepare myself to give her. As I declined in a roundabout way, saying that randomly firing a present at her might be questionable when taking this into account, yada-yada, Richard looked at me as if taken aback. He seemed to be spacing out. When I made an “aah, this again?” kind of face, he showed shame with an “excuse me”.

“I was a little absorbed in my thoughts.”

“That’s okay, then.”

This sort of thing wasn’t uncommon lately. It didn’t happen when we had customers over, but when I was the only one around, the shopkeeper’s reactions were slow. The speed with which the snacks on the kitchenette’s cupboards were decreasing in numbers was also clearly dropping. It was as if he were just choosing the ones that were close to their expiration date and consuming them robotically, which wasn’t like the usual Richard. Only the digestive, balanced Nakata Seigi Pudding was decreasing in the same proportion as I was making it.

I didn’t know the reason behind this. Honestly, I was pretty worried.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

As I asked inadvertently, Richard let out a sound that I couldn’t tell whether it was a sigh or a laugh. “Let’s see; there have been forty thieves appearing often around the palace I live in lately, and they are impossibly loud. If you are a magus, I would like you to banish them away with a swing of your wand.”

“Is that the story of Arabian Nights? No, seriously now, are you a victim of stalking?”

“It was a joke. There is nothing troubling me in particular. Aah, speaking of which, I have yet to... Seigi. Come here,” Richard called, sitting on the sofa and pointing me to the opposite seat. The stone was still in his hand. Just what was that rock?

“A spell. There was one in Arabian Nights, right? The magic words that open the cave. Do you know them?”

“Magic words... ‘Open sesame’?”

As I said this, Richard smiled and “split” the stone into two. His touch was soft, even more than if he were splitting a fluffy and crumbly butter potato. There was a crevice on it from the very start.

The inside of the stone on his palm was a treasure cave.

It was tightly packed with brightly shining, light blue crystals. Even though the stone was the color of dry sand on the outside. A spontaneous box of surprises that was. Upon a closer look, the stone’s center was hollow, and the crystals twinkled as if to enclose that empty spot. Was it a quartz? No, it was a different gem. I had never seen a quartz of that color before. Although there were light blue parts, there were mostly white ones. What was this thing?

“Richard, what’s this blue stone...?”

“Celestite. It seems it is also named ‘celestial blue stone’ in Japan. It splits easily, so be careful. Have you ever heard of the name ‘geode’? It is apparently called ‘druse’ here in Japan, and due to the work of hot water, the heart of the stone, unlike its outside, is a sparkling ‘mineral cave’. This phenomenon is not limited to just the celestite and also exists in geodes such as crystals and agates. How thoughtless I was back there. You would not know the true essence of this specimen unless I split it and showed it to you, right?”

I recalled the story of “Alibaba and the Forty Thieves” in my head. When Alibaba opened the cave with the words “open sesame”, the inside was a mountain of treasures. The person who had thought that story out might have been someone who was deeply moved when opening a geode.

Richard gave me one side of the split sample.

“There sure are some interesting stones in this world.”

“Your girlfriend knows better about these kinds of things, doesn’t she?”

“The ‘person I want to have as girlfriend’, you mean!”

“I am terribly sorry. I have been hearing this same correction for quite a long time, so I imagined it was about time for a change.”

“Young people are cautious these days.”

I became sullen and Richard laughed a little. Framed by golden eyelashes, his blue irises took on a gentle hue.

Huh? Speaking of which...

As I looked at Richard in the face with a questioning expression and went stiff, the unseen eyebrows of the beautiful jeweler furrowed slightly. I didn’t avoid his gaze at all, which resulted in him waving his hand a little, as if to ask me if I could see his eyes. I could, geez.

“Hey, what’s the name of this stone again? Cele...”

“‘Celestite’. The ‘celebs’ part has the meaning of ‘heaven’. The intention of the one who named it is obvious, isn’t it? You can feel the brilliance of clear blue skies from this stone formed under the ground.”

“Clear blue skies”. Indeed, that was the color of it. But...

“I know one thing other than the sky that looks just like it.”

“It is not coming to me. Is this something I know?”

“I think you definitely know.”

“What might it be?”

“Your eyes.”

As I said so, Richard’s blue eyes widened a little.

Thanks to myself getting used to foreign costumers in this store, I came to know that “blue eyes” were not all the same. The eye color of a customer who declared themself to have violet eyes was a mix of deep gray and blue, and there was also someone with irises so vivid that it looked like they had been painted all over with aqua-colored ink. Human eyes, just like garnets and tourmalines, were gemstones that bore all sorts of hues. Richard’s eyes were a light, grayish blue. That was a cold combination at first glance, but there was a subtle depth to it and it was gorgeous. The shade close to the center and the one of the surroundings was a bit different. Just like this celestite.

“I wonder if the person who gave it as an extra also thought about something like that.”

Richard fell silent. Ah. Ah~. Hm.

I knew nothing about the person who had added the extra stone, but if they had picked it and sent it to Richard with a serious intention, of course this jeweler who was by no means looking for a lover would get an iffy feeling out of it. All right.

“I got it. I’ll take it. It splits easily, right? I’ll be careful when putting it up for decoration. Thank you.”

As I held one side of the stone within a hand and reached out to get the other, Richard made a weird face for an instant. Eh? What? He seemed like he wanted so bad to push it onto me earlier. I froze in a half-sitting position. What should I do?

Richard opened his eyes with a serious look and spoke while staring at me, “Will you give this stone to someone?” He pronounced each word slowly.

What did he mean? For me to give it away? Didn’t sound like it. The tone of his voice was low. If he had something he wanted to say, he should do it in a way that was easier to understand. Which was it? Should I say I was gonna give it away? Should I say I wasn’t? Actually, what did I want to do by taking this stone with me?

Would I give to someone else, like Tanimoto-san, a stone that had Richard’s eye color?

“I don’t think so.”

I wouldn’t. I couldn’t explain the reason very well myself, though.

Richard seemed to smile faintly. “Is that so? Then...” Saying “keep them” in English, Richard put the other half on my hand.

That means “take them”. I get it. I’m accepting them with gratitude. But I want you to tell me what the heck that pause just now was. Was it nothing much? Or were you just spacing out again? Or maybe you have something that you’re tremendously worried about but can’t tell me?

Sorting out my thoughts, I tried to call out to Richard as he stood up, but he started talking to me instead, spoiling my start, “Right, right; here is one more trivia. Even if you just heard about celestite for the first time, are you familiar with strontium sulfate? It’s an ore that burns with very brightly colored flames and comes in handy as raw material for fireworks and stuff like that.”

“A stone can burn?! Then I gotta be careful about how to store it... No, it might happen even then.”

“Even if you are not so careful, it will not catch fire on its own. However...” Richard turned towards me as if tilting his head a little. Was he smiling? “If there comes a time someday when you cannot suppress your anger, breaking it or burning it might be, well, a good form of practical use.”

“Couldn’t suppress anger”? Before I could ask what he meant by that, Richard got up unexpectedly and disappeared into the kitchenette.

“Breaking a stone” - I couldn’t believe that those words had come from Richard.

After about five minutes, he came out and shut himself in the back room, then began talking in English on the phone.

When I looked at the kitchenette’s sink, I found one of my pudding bowls was empty. He could have eaten it while seated.

Once I was done washing the dishes and came back to the reception room, the half-split celestite geode lay on top of the glass table. Richard had told me to recite a spell when opening this stone into two. It was a silly association, but it would be great if the doors of his evasiveness could be opened with just one spell. I didn’t want to know all his secrets. Just him throwing his worries at me sometimes was enough. But even if I happened to open the cave of his heart, what was there in his intentions? Was it something okay for me to see?

“Well, that’s what I was wondering back then.”

“My deepest apologies...”

“See, I was wondering if there was something I could do for you, but I was a bit hesitant, asking myself whether or not you’d come at me for it, and I couldn’t bring myself to say that.”

“...for causing you such a terrible amount of trouble...”

“I was so uncertain.”

“...at that time.”

Like a bobblehead doll, the shop keeper repeatedly offered me words of apology. Just like them, my spiteful words had none of the sentiment in them at all. It was like a two-person comedy act with no audience. Telling funny stories for our own sake kind of gave me a bizarre feeling, but taking a step backward and thinking it over, it was quite enjoyable.

It would soon be Christmas season, and what triggered the reminiscent talk was that a client who made enormous purchases commented a single sentence about Richard’s eyes before she left: “their color is just like a celestite’s, huh”. But as we had no more time for weird chitchatting, I cut it short and went into the kitchenette. I had to leave the tea ready in advance. This shop was busy lately. It was great that business was doing well.

The celestite of back then was sitting inside the safe that we had bought just recently. Since that stone split and caught fire easily, it was probably more secure within a safe. Even if heaven and earth overturned, I didn’t think I would break or set fire to that stone, nor would I use any other method to take out on it. That much was certain.

Etranger was now in peace.

[brooklynislandgirl]

📝 for the answering of applicable questions, please!

~Quietly, in the Lower Garden District~

~Colour~

The man behind the counter is ready to reach over and strangle her. She can see it in his expression, so put upon by each time she shakes her head and asks if she can have another sample made. She almost wishes he would try, he'd lose more than the hour that she's been at this. That might be uncharitable of her but the man reminds her of the kind of person who, when not wearing his little vest, is exactly the kind of person who sees Beth and Anakin walking down the street together and curls a lip, makes passing commentary to other middle-age white guys. Too poor, too weird, too questionably ethnic to suit them. The kind of person who would walk faster when it got dark, or would lock up before they could make it to a door. There's more of those than either one of them care to acknowledge, and the irony is almost delicious. Except that sometimes Anakin cannot help but to be very aware of that kind of prejudice and it really takes another chunk out of his self-confidence.

"Allow me to explain again," she says softly, in crisp and enunciated haole. "I said I want a very specific shade of blue. A hint of royal with a tinge of cadet number five. Then mix at the edges a touch of Prussian and just enough Turkish Steel to give that depth soft edges. Then overly sky atop it all. Or better yet, please find me a customer service specialist who can, in fact, understand what I am looking for because clearly? You're not it." That might be her fault, she does want to paint the living room the exact shade of Anakin's eyes.

~Song~

She doesn't play as well as Andy could, and she would never be a singer though she enjoyed it maybe because it was more about intent than execution, one of the few things that held true in absolute. And sometimes neither one really mattered when he folded himself up like an envelope just so he could rest his head against her chest and instead of plucking strings, she only ran fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes and she focuses hers across the back yard. Beyond the pool and past the grass. Colours blur and fade and there's a ripple of dissonance within the Tapestry to make a boundary between what is solid and inflexible and what is hidden in a space outside of the Tellurian. Words they don't use in every day conversation. She isn't quite singing now instead humming a tune that would reveal more than maybe they're ready to dive into. Other words they don't use, either. Her palm comes to rest on his brow as tender as she knows how. The other reaches around him to tuck one of the knitted blankets around him. He doesn't seem to mind the combination of warmth between herself and the acrylic, is maybe the only other person who could be cold in anything else less than 80 degrees and 90% humidity. It takes an infinite amount of patience, skill, and mana to redirect the rain to a different part of the city. He'll forgive her weariness even if he doesn't understand why she will go to bed early, sleep in late. And that's okay. He doesn't need to know. It's better if he doesn't, it would spoil the gift. 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

~Scent~ The balcony door is open letting muggy air move sluggishly in through the French doors. Beneath her the bed is a little too stiff for comfort. Her laptop almost too warm as it rests on her thighs and only serves to remind her that she should probably get out of the charcoal grey suit she's wearing. She closes the screen and pulls her glasses off, raising them so they rest in her hair. Takes a sip of the wine she'd bought at...some store she won't remember the name of... but that came recommended by the bellhop.

She didn't have the forethought before leaving for Baton Rouge to steal borrow something to bring along. For reasons that she didn't want to explain because there's no very polite way to explain she's grown used to having him sleep beside her. That there's something soothing that comes wafting up from his skin the closer he gets, arm wrapped around her, leg half thrown over. At the end of a day there's his natural chemistry that mixes with clean laundry and cigarette smoke, something sweet and spicy from his preferred night cap. Sometimes there's blood. Sometimes the distinct smell of wood or metal from something he's working on for himself, the kind of tinkering that seems to bring him peace like nothing else can. There isn't an exact name for it but she can recognise it at a thousand paces. It makes her want to burrow furtively into his chest cavity and find some way to live inside of that newly hollowed out space. Maybe just thinking about it was all she needed. Maybe it's some new kind of magick trick. Regardless, she'd managed to doze off just long enough to be startled when the door of her hotel room clicks shut and he's there. Pulled out of her day dreams and turned into flesh. With exactly the kind of apologetic grin she's become as familiar with as she is the smell of him. "Guess, I jus' couldn't sleep." And she knows there's more going on behind the sheepish look, and the way he stands at a polite distance away, maybe waiting for permission. She doesn't say a word. Only turns down the previously pristine other side of the bed before slipping from hers. The white silk blouse hits the floor seconds before she disappears into the bathroom.

~Meme~ She eyes Anakin. Looks at her phone. Back and forth for five solid minutes before she just starts giggling. Which turns into a laugh.

~Sound~ It's those little sub-vocalisations that get her. Every near guttural groan, every single one of those breathless whimpers that cling to the edges of her senses soft as cobwebs or hard as thunder. There are so many layers between them, so much context to be drawn from even a half of a sigh. They are a siren song even if she doesn't know what rocks he wants her to dash herself on.

~Setting~

She cringes. "I don' wanna tell ya." He's helping her work on a psychological profiling assessment that's required of her continuing education class, which is all part of her professional development. But she's worried because it's going to sound incredibly racist, coming as it is not from a white-passing woman of colour but one of incredible privilege who absolutely knows what it's going to sound like. But she cannot resist the look of self-accusation and anxiety that creeps into his micro-expressions and doing anything else would feel incredibly dishonest. Something she doesn't want to foster in him. "Somewhere 'round sunset. Da bayou waddah look like it on fire. Dere's some soft Zydeco music goin' on in da backdrop. Air's hot an' heavy like steam 'tween lovers an' if ya real quiet, can hear da bayou jus' come alive wi' oddah souls. Dere's pirogues bobbin' along, an' you can smell some ono grindz cookin' somewhere. Spanish moss all hangin' down from cypress an' willow trees. A mixture of old spirituals an' dat beautiful, melodic pidgin dat get spoke down dere...I know is nevah really li'dat.... also make me t'ink of witch blood an' Mokole dat pass as gators... all dem ghosts an' da kine ya nevah can put ya finger on but dat give ya chicken skin jus' t'inkin' 'bout..." ~Fashion Style~

Clothes litter her floor. Flung without a care to their resting places. Some on the edge of her bed or the arm of a chair. Suits and jeans and tee-shirts. Undergarments and socks. Like some small hurricane exploded out of the closet, just with less water. There's sarongs too. Luau shirts that just aren't him. Shoes too. Finally, she steps back and examines her handiwork. A frame work of satin boxers that will caress the most delicate parts of him without bunching or pinching. An accent of which are picked up in the suit lapels and bow tie. White shirt, black buttons. Silver cuff-links. Socks that are thin as a Friday night prayer, and absolutely voluptuous Paolo Scafora oxfords in a blue so dark they look black at first glance, polished to a mirror gloss. Dior and Stefano Ricci. Famous labels from famous houses of style.

If the gala wasn't required...Anakin wouldn't be seeing the light of day and there'd be very different reasons the clothes would be laying scattered about.

But she kind of also misses that scruffy plain, slightly tattered tee-shirt and skinny jeans even she would have a hard time getting up past her own hips, and questionably aged converse. Aesthetically speakin, Anakin is ever clothing designer's wet dream and she has never wanted to be a circular scarf more in her life. "Wow. Jus'....wow." ~Feeling~

"Belonging."

It's all she says before she kisses him. Softly and sweetly, a little wet from a stray tear that slips down between their lips. Admitting this is admitting that maybe, just maybe, she loves him, too. Which puts a countdown on everything. Which means that he's going to find the wherewithal to leave her and to take with him every that makes her feel even the littlest bit real. She doesn't know if she'll survive the loss, so it's best that she make the most of it before he goes. ~Animal~ "If you were one dem changing breeds? You'd be a were-fossa. Dey are dese medium sized ....well. Dey kinda look like cats, but also...dey don't. Related to da civet but also like...mongooses. Mongeese? Wha'evah. Dey from Madagascar. Da Malagasy got kapu of a kind an' actually are sorta afraid of dem, an' wi' good reason...dey carnivorous ay-eff." She glances over. "Don' laugh! Dey beautiful an' rare an' I really like dem a lot. An' I'm not gonna tell ya any more about dem. Gonna make a new animal, an' call it a' Anakin." There is every possibility that she will do this. Some day.

~Holiday~ Christmas. It will always be Christmas. Not the lights and snow and carollers, though there's plenty of that to go around. Not the chill and dank air, not the interminably long night, not even because of gifts. It's not a childhood of Santa surfing or canoeing, and it isn't sandcastles and malasadas left by the lanai doors from Hawai'i, either. Maybe it's a touch of the peace and goodwill often associated with the season, and how he came to find her when he needed her the most. But if she had to give just one reason, it's that he brought her back a sense of wonder that she'd thought was lost when her world had shattered. He took something terrible and turned it into something beautiful. That isn't an ordinary, every day kind of magick and she doesn't know how she will ever be able to express her love and gratitude for him.

"Wha'ya t'ink about mebbe da Bahamas dis year? Get out of da city for a lil while, I promise I won' make ya go for da beach."

~Season~

When Beth thinks of seasons, she thinks of it being a mainland phenomenon. Her own islands only really have two: Kau from May to October, where everything is beautiful and averages about 85 degrees give or take, and Ho'oilo from November to April when the best tides bring in the biggest waves. It's only cooler by about ten degrees. Which is maybe why she always feels so cold so far away from home. And why she likes it here so much. She knows other places have as many as six seasons, broken up into more agricultural and solar tied patterns of weather and climate and sometimes even just spiritual nature. But taking all of Anakin into account, she would have to say... "Monsoon. It's da time of life-giving rains. But also it can be dangerous for the same reason. Cool but lingers along your skin. An' it's somet'ing I keep wi' me always, waitin' for it."

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums: My first video about Depeche Mode--and it’s about their first album! I think it’s pretty good, but a lot of people HATE it. Are you intrigued? Take a listen, or read the transcript, and see where you fall!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Today, I’ll be looking at the somewhat rough start of one of the most iconic bands in the history of electronic music: Depeche Mode, and their 1981 debut, Speak & Spell. While Depeche Mode are certainly a beloved band, many of their fans actively revile Speak & Spell. What’s wrong with it? Well, it has songs that sound like this.

Music: “Just Can’t Get Enough”

“Just Can’t Get Enough” isn’t exactly the kind of song Depeche Mode are associated with--though it did make an entry in the charts, and remains fairly well known today, largely thanks to its use in advertising. The band’s “classic run,” spanning roughly from the mid-80s to the mid-90s, saw them achieve substantial mainstream adulation, as a pop act peddling dark and gothic themes, and maintaining a substantial electronic element to their music, without ever becoming inaccessible to rock listeners. They were even “rock and roll” enough to consistently break America, which is no small feat for, essentially, a synth-pop band from England. That synth-pop heritage dominates the sonic palate of Speak & Spell, and it’s hard to imagine a die-hard rock fan vibing with upbeat, almost saccharine pop ditties like “What’s Your Name?”

Music: “What’s Your Name?”

Of course, “What’s Your Name?” has another big problem besides favouring bright, chirping synth riffs over the guitar-based chug of tracks like “Personal Jesus.” Its seemingly homoerotic lyrics might be said to constitute the first instance of Depeche Mode engaging in what we might call musical “queer-baiting.” Thumbing their noses at norms of sexuality and gender presentation have earned the band a substantial queer following throughout their career, but it’s not such a smart move if you’re trying to attract macho rock listeners, and get yourself into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Part of the reason why Depeche Mode were ultimately able to do those things, later in their career, is that they had a pretty handy scapegoat: Vince Clarke. Clarke was a founding member of the band, and as the chief songwriter for all but two tracks on Speak & Spell, he was unequivocally the creative force driving the album. Conveniently enough, Clarke not only departed from Depeche Mode immediately after this first album, but went on to serve as an integral member of two unequivocally poppy duos, Yazoo and Erasure. But as easy as it is to simply blame Vince Clarke’s interest in cheerful pop for the apparent failures of Speak & Spell, this hypothesis doesn’t hold up. Some Clarke-penned numbers, like “Puppets,” are at least as gloomy as anything from the mind of Martin L. Gore, who took over songwriting duties on every subsequent Depeche Mode LP.

Music: “Puppets”

“Puppets” is pretty far from a feel-good song. Those fairly bright synths remain, but here, they feel more like a tense crescendo of violins, as something goes poorly in a horror film, and a serrated synth stab answers them from below. Dave Gahan’s semi-whispered delivery of the vocals, which narrate the perspective of a manipulative and controlling partner, add even more to its sinister ambiance. Given only a minor aesthetic facelift, “Puppets” could fit just fine onto most other Depeche Mode albums, even if Clarke did write it. I actually think the softer, poppier touches this track DOES have serve it well, and make it feel a bit insidious--like a lover who seems loveable and charming at first, before revealing their abusive tendencies over time. Another track that really benefits from creating tension between pop fluff and things macabre is the striking “I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead.”

Music: “I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead”

“I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead” features an almost gratingly toylike synth riff, that reminds me a bit of those custom cell phone ringtones from the 00s. Its lyrics are also almost painfully chipper, at least at first, as is Gahan’s infantile delivery of them...but there seems to be some irony there. While that provocative title doesn’t actually appear, the song seems to be obliquely telling a story of someone dealing with a breakup, albeit cloaked in this eerily sunny music. International editions of *Speak & Spell* would remove this track in favour of the non-album A-side “Dreaming of Me,” presumably targeting it for its inflammatory title and short runtime of just over two minutes. “I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead” is a powerful reminder that just because something has a shiny pop veneer doesn’t mean it’s disposable, or that it lacks in artistic complexity.

Still, if you’re in the market for something that feels more like “classic” Depeche Mode, Speak & Spell can deliver on that front as well. Look no further than Gore’s contributions to the album, such as “Tora! Tora! Tora!” With its frantic refrain, and troubling themes of nuclear holocaust, “Tora! Tora! Tora!” feels more like Depeche Mode’s classic run than just about anything else on Speak & Spell, prefiguring iconic tracks like “Leave In Silence” and “People Are People” quite well.

Music: “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

Speak & Spell’s cover is certainly strange and a bit opaque, showing some sort of bird in its nest from a very low angle. The background is almost entirely a lurid, artificial-looking pinkish red, with no other recognizable figures to ground this landscape in reality. Between the chaotic textures of the nest, and the surreal emptiness of the scene, it comes across as a sort of nightmare world, albeit one populated by only this fairly non-threatening creature...that we know of. If we look closely at that bird, we can start to see what looks like a transparent veil covering its neck and head. I like to interpret this image as a representation of the natural world, destroyed by human callousness: an animal suffocates under a sheet of plastic, while the sky behind it glows red with bombs “raining from the sky,” as in “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

Despite the title, you won’t hear any samples of the titular toy on Speak & Spell--though Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark would famously incorporate some on their album Dazzle Ships, a few years later. The title “Speak & Spell” would seem to suggest the album’s light, playful tone, and sense of pop novelty. A Speak & Spell is, of course, a fun and entertaining toy, which repeats the same handful of things over and over, as a pop song might be played *ad infinitum* on the radio. Perhaps the way the songs sneak a darker emotional undercurrent past their listeners is parallel to how the toy covertly educates children in basic spelling, while also being amusing to fool around with.

After Speak & Spell, it took several more years for Depeche Mode to really find their footing, and launch into that classic period of theirs where they released most of their best-loved material. Despite the absence of Vince Clarke, their sophomore LP, A Broken Frame, is stylistically rather similar to Speak & Spell, and pairs somber tracks like “The Sun and the Rainfall” and “My Secret Garden” with some very upbeat ones like “The Meaning of Love.” If the fact that Clarke could write “Puppets” didn’t sell you on my assertion that he isn’t the singular problem with Speak & Spell, the fact that Martin Gore wrote “The Meaning of Love” should serve as proof that the desire to make catchy pop tunes didn’t rest solely on any one person’s shoulders.

Music: “The Meaning of Love”

My favourite track from Speak & Spell is the opener, “New Life.” “New Life” was also released as a single and made substantial headway in the charts, though it doesn’t seem quite as well remembered as “Just Can’t Get Enough.” Like “I Sometimes Wish I Was Dead,” “New Life” is almost disgustingly catchy and hooky, but hides some surprisingly dark lyrics. But I’ll freely admit that I don’t particularly have some sophisticated, intellectually justified reason for liking this song the most, besides just thinking it’s a real toe-tapper. While I’ve gone to great lengths to dispel the idea that Speak & Spell is nothing but cheerful pop, I’d also like to point out that simply being cheerful pop isn’t exactly a musical sin. Whether you like it or not, it’s certainly far from easy to write a great pop song that stands the test of time, the way tracks like “New Life” and “Just Can’t Get Enough” have, and simply pointing out that they’re not as morose as later Depeche Mode songs isn’t a worthwhile criticism of them. While I enjoy a lot of more gothic music myself, I think a work of art that elicits the emotion of joy has as much of a shot at being a Great Album as one that wants to make us angry, sad, or afraid. On that note, I’ve reached the end of my video--as always, thanks for listening.

Music: “New Life”

[hopetofantasy]

Wandering Romance

- A future with child fic -

Square Filled: Future, Family, Past lovers Ship: Sander Driesen/Robbe Ijzermans   Trigger Warnings (if applicable): none applied.   Created for @skamevents Summary: “A perfect, tight little family. But happy. Until one unfortunate day in May, in the year that David turned six.”  

In the future, Robbe and Sander have a son named David. The only tie they have left with each other, actually. Because our lovers split up years ago, due to mistakes that were made in the past.  

So is their love strong enough to sustain a healthy friendship? Will they find their way to each other again or break all connections for good?

Also available on AO3

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CHAPTER 2: 'No one sees what I see in you’

—————————————————————

“So this is it then?”

A beautiful boy with mesmerizing eyes lying in arms. The warmth of love. It felt like puzzle pieces finally fitting together, after months of frustration and searching for anything that might look like it. Something that had been missing for quite some time. It just didn’t add up? Long sighs, hurtful eyes, loaded silences that made them more sad than happy. Their love wasn’t strong enough to deal with this...

No, he didn’t believe that.

They were strong enough.

Just not now...

He was caressing the cheek of his lover, his best friend, his partner in crime. Another part of the pair, the amazing family they had. Fathers. Their boy. All tossed away, like it was nothing. A paper crumbled in the trash. Like they never even were. And because of what? Why? Why now? Why this? This wasn’t right. They both knew it wasn’t.

He sighed to stop the spiraling.

His hands started to clench into a fist. He was so angry at first, he was so angry and sad at the world. He was promised forever, they both promised each other that their love would survive anything. The perfect man in a beautiful white suit and him wearing the black one. Ying and yang. Always complimenting each other, begging for a deeper connection, receiving it and now cutting it away.

Like his heart.

“Is this it? Can’t we keep trying? Please?”

His eyes were staring inside those deep ones. His tanned skinned hand slightly caressing his lover’s arm. Mindlessly. They were used to pillow talk until the early morning, the sunrise. The night sky turning from dark blue to light orange hues, exactly the color he once made by accident, trying out the paint samples on his palette. A beautiful coincidence. Just like the night they met.

As if faith knew.

When the other boy didn’t answer, he just went for it. His lips trying to convey everything he felt inside the troubled mind, his hands feeling every hitched breath taken away from his other half, the softness of a wanted caress, but also the sting from nails digging in his back, the bite of pleasure, the strained movement of legs  - as if love couldn’t be felt without some pain. It suited them, he thought. Every day could be a high. Every day could be a low.

His fingers gripped the sheets of their shared bed. Sharing it for the last time.  

“Oh my god, schat”, exclaimed the one.

“I love you”, answered the other.

“I love you too”, was moaned.

“Don’t leave me, please”, was said.

A tear rolling off a heated cheek.

Kissed by soft eyelashes.

The silence that followed wasn’t wounding. It was passion, it was love, it was a high that never experienced a low. A white light behind the eyes. Stars for their lights. Something shared only between them. And never would be again.

“Let us go... please”

The whisper.

And that’s when Sander woke up from his dream.

When he started to cry.

-^-

“Papa, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, darling, always. What is it?”

“How did you and paps meet?”

Oof, that was such a loaded question for a Monday morning. And he didn’t even have his first coffee yet. His eyes instantly analyzed David’s face, which was just a pure reflection of playfulness and wonder. The tiny boy seemed to concoct something on his breakfast croissant. It looked like choco spread, decorated with speculaas cookies.

What is this? Where the hell did he get that idea? This can’t be healthy right?

“Sweetie, did you eat a hearty sandwich before shoving this in your mouth? You can’t live on sweets, you know that. You won’t grow to be a big boy, then!”

“But, papa, I like it. Can I have this, like... one time?”

Oh no, not the puppy eyes.

He was a real manipulator with those big brown orbs. The kid was 9 years old, for God’s sake, how could he be this smart? He knew exactly how to play the game to convince them of mischievous things, things that were bad for him and stuff they needed to say ‘no’ to. But it was sooo rewarding to just say ‘yes’. Just to see the beautiful grin creep up onto the face he loved so much.

Something Sander wanted to collect in a jar and pull out whenever he had his ‘cloudy days’. David didn’t understand the concept of bipolarity yet, so once he was old enough to notice something, they had sat him down to explain. “David, sweetie. You know how papa is sometimes a bit different?”, Robbe tried to approach the subject, while their son stared with unsung tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, he lies on the bed and sleeps and don’t eat and is very, very sad. I don’t understand. Does papa hate me? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry...”

If the room was a stethoscope, the family would’ve heard a heart breaking. It was one thing that Robbe had to deal with his mania and depression. Now another innocent soul was being corrupted by his stupid brain and Sander just couldn’t deal with that. The pain he might induce, the worry in his soul almost growing too much. But as always, his other half seemed to know what to do. While holding his hand, to anchor him back to this world, Robbe explained.

“No, darling. Papa will always love you. Even if you did bad things. But now you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You see, people have a bright sun inside them. And sometimes that happy, beautiful sun will have clouds blocking their light. Clouds who bring in bad weather, like being tired, not being hungry, not wanting to talk, have sad thoughts, just wanting to sleep all the time. And that’s okay. Because after a few days of rain, comes the sunshine, right?”

“And sometimes a rainbow!”, their beautiful boy exclaimed.

A couple of teeth missing in the front, but his smile was beaming nonetheless. It melted their hearts. “Yes,” Sander whispered softly. If he wasn’t sure about how much he loved his curly angels before, he knew now. When did he become so lucky to have such beautiful love? Him and his loving partner hugging their soft boy, giggling all together, without a care in the world. A fulfilling life.

Perfection.

“Papa, are you there?”

Sander blinked back some tears, while trying to focus on the situation at hand. David was glaring at him, already halfway through the disgustingly sweet croissant in his hands. Some crumbs were falling down the plate. And the choco paste tainting his pink cheeks. The look in his face was peculiar, like he tried to figure out what his dad was thinking. If he was going ‘cloudy’.

“David... I do remember that I never told you ‘yes’, right?”

The answer was a simple shrug.

“You didn’t answer my question about paps, either. C’est la vie.”

To say that Sander was perplexed, is an serious understatement.

-^-

When Sander was thirteen, he knew.

He wasn’t normal.

This was way before he was diagnosed with bipolarity, but that wasn’t the only thing not fitting the ‘standard normal’. He knew the boys in his class and he simply didn’t like them. They were all talking about video games, Call Of Duty: Black Ops, while eating their weight in greasy snacks and referring to girls like pieces of meat. Making jokes about what they learned from their older siblings or watching too much nighttime television.

And he didn’t.

He liked to write, he wanted to be a writer someday. And paint. Drawing was amazing. Sander loved walking around with cut jeans, graphic band t-shirts and a bleached buzzcut. One day, he’d love to have a pierced eyebrow. That was considered cool in his book. Maybe his career would be ‘rock-and-roll’ artist, since he played the drums too. Something to get his energy out.

Because he had ADHD.

At least, that’s what his doctor said. He just wanted different things than others and sometimes all at once. Was that weird? Apparently so. But he wasn’t entirely convinced about having the disorder. It sounded ill-fitting. Like a shrunken skinny jeans in the dryer, the broken mug in his room where he put his discarded pencils. It didn’t make sense.

Because he was who he was.

He liked who he was.

But who was he exactly?

He knew the day he changed schools. His mom somehow knew, the way only mothers do, that the previous school wasn’t the right fit for him. His course orientation was ‘sciences’ and he almost failed everyone of his classes. Sander was struggling to keep afloat. Almost drowning at the formulas and facts and figures. Those were more abstract to him than art. Art made sense, somehow?

And that’s why his mom send him to an art school.

There he saw people with asymmetric hair, nose rings and cut t-shirts. Girls with alluring auras, rainbow shoes and paint covered arms. Boys with mesmerizing eyes, fresh make-up and decorated backpacks. Beautiful souls who talked about art like breathing. Who understood things like writer’s block, portrait frustration and tunnel vision.

And he fell in love with them, all of them.

His people.

It took him a few years to understand what else made him special. Because he did fall in love with people’s souls, their auras, instead of a specific gender. It was a highlight in his life when he figured that one out. He finally knew another piece of the puzzle. Life was complicated, but knowing something more about yourself, made it so much easier.

His first crush was on a dark skinned boy from his drawing class. He didn’t reciprocate feelings, but liked Sander as a friend. Ekon appreciated the way Sander caught him in his art pieces. Complimented him on how he perfectly attained his off-beat smile, when someone made a joke at his expense. He was a quiet boy. But a boy, nonetheless.

And then there was Saartje. An unconventional girl, even for an art school. She seemed to walk around like an ice queen surrounded by raging fires. Hated every thing he suggested to lift her sculptures to a new level, always answering his comments with a cold stare. Such a soft girly name for such a raging bitch.

And Sander couldn’t help but fall.

Hard.

Without parachute.

But she used that to her advantage.

His love was treated as an exchange. If Sander would shut up about his newest passion called David Bowie, she’d give him a kiss. When he asked her on a date, she would think about it. Maybe if Sander could persuade the teacher to give her a better grade? And if he paid? Being the hormonal teenager he was, he obliged. And he believed. He was tricked into uncertain love.

Something he carried with him.

Especially after his eventual diagnosis. He dated Britt. He thought he deserved this kind of love. The uncertainty, the doubt, the hardships. It was all his brain’s fault, for being the way he was. Love? Love was something to be earned, not to be given. And nobody would give that up so easily for someone as broken as him.

Until that one boy,

in the moonlight.

He never saw true beauty ‘til this night.

And his heart,

did love as true again.

-^-

“Do you want any help with that?”

“Papa, I know how to make myself look like Bowie, you know.”

Sander snorted. He was truly a son of his, wasn’t he? This tiny boy was sitting on a high chair, right in front of a mirror, attempting to put on the make-up in a dramatic way. The tip of his tongue spilling out his lips, trying very hard to focus. He couldn’t stop staring at this sight, which filled him with pride. He must have taught him well.

The next generation was secured.

“Dad, stop staring at me and go find my other dad.”, David said sternly.

Ok, but who was the parent in this relationship exactly? Sometimes Sander didn't know. Yet, catching the eye of the supervisor right behind him, he was sure that everything was going to be a-okay. Maybe he did needed to find Robbe and the boys. It’ll do him some good. It had been ages since they had some real interaction that wasn’t through a phone.

It wasn’t difficult to spot them through the crowd of curious adults. The exaggerated screaming at each other was enough. Robbe had been pulled into the biggest hug by Milan, flanked by a jumping Moyo, giggling Aaron and a serious Jens. It sounded like the weirdest end of the world. But the feeling that coursed through his heart wasn’t unusual.

Pride.

For what they all achieved.

How they all stayed together.

Through hell and back.

Moyo had, somehow, become a successful club owner of a couple of nightlife establishments all around the city. From an only-known-by-initiates speakeasy to a high paid, high-end sky club, he knew what he wanted to do with his life and brought it to the table. Jens, on the other hand, went on a totally different route. After failing to start a few start-ups, he became g a video editing/sound mix freelancer and stay-at-home dad to help his lawyer-wife.

Aaron was still on the grind as a social worker, working until late at night to fight for the hardest cases. “These people deserve a happy ending”, he’d always say. And Sander couldn’t agree more.

Last but not least, Milan. The interior designer with an ecological mind. He had helped them out with the decoration of their home, which was totally picture perfect. And still cheap as f.

After the whole ordeal of greeting, Robbe seemed to have a huge smile plastered on his face. That was good, Sander though. Lately he looked so lost, certainly in Sander’s neighborhood. And he didn’t know why. As far as he knew, he didn’t say or do anything wrong. On the contrary. He’d encouraged Robbe to bring Wouter along, saying it was totally okay to find love again.

Where was that bastard, anyways?

“Heeeeeey, Jack Frost!”, the entire group turned towards him and engulfed him into an instant hug. Causing a lot of high pitched giggling, ‘omg, your hand is on my butt’-s and eye rolls. The warmth next to him was familiar, though. As was the scent. Which made his heart drum a little harder, like it wasn’t stating the obvious already. Pulling away, the electrified gaze lingered.

“How are you?”, the one asked.

“I’m good.”, the other answered.

He wanted to know more. Sander always wanted to know more. His heart never stopped beating for this boy, so everything he would say, would be engraved in his soul. His broken mind. His eternal love. That would never change. Even through the pain, he knew that they belonged together. That it was neither fault. Life just happened.

Like always.

But before he could ask anything else, a woman approached the brown haired man. Some colorful glasses, a beautiful classic dress and an intrigued smile on her face. Robbe immediately greeted her as ‘Mrs. Raymaeckers’. “I saw David backstage. Are you ready to see the performance, Mr. Ijzermans?”, she politely asked. Robbe slowly nodded his head with a careful smile.

“Ofcourse, David is going to be amazing, he was bouncing off the walls about this. I’m interested in what he’s going to play...”

“Ah yes. The David Bowie thing. He’s truly special, isn’t he? Unique in some ways.”, she giggled, while wrapping her hand around his arm. Causing a lot of heads unsubtly turning towards the gesture.

“I love how he has such a playful spirit. Does he have that from his father or his mother?”. She blinked rapidly. Auburn hair tossed over her shoulder. A beaming smile.

Wait...

Was she...

Trying to flirt with him?

A potential married man?

Sander saw how the other boys desperately held in their laughs. Some of them failed. Robbe’s cheeks reddened slightly, like he didn’t know how to answer this delicate question.

She just assumed he was straight?

That was such heteronormativity.

It irked the beach blonde man, that people could still think this way, like a child couldn’t have two fathers or mothers?

“He has that from me, actually.”

Six pairs of eyes bore into his. Most of them applauding the ballsy move on his part, one of them grateful for this way out. The last one, however, went through a whole process.

Confusion, calculation, realization and shame.

“Oh... I’m sorry.”, Mrs. Raymaeckers sheepishly stated. "I didn’t know. I just assumed... Ahem. Well, I’m gonna check the rest. Bye, Mr Ijzermans. Bye, Mr-”

“Driesen.”, he answered coldly.

“Bye, Mr. Driesen.” And with that, she was gone. As fast as the wind.

He didn’t like it.

He just didn’t.

How people could still think the way they did, how they would just come up to potential married men and flirt with them? How was that okay?

He knew he was clenching his fist, because of the pain. Fingernails making tiny half moons. It stung. Jealousy and anger tasting like poison in his mouth. His stare trying to find a fixated spot to calm his breathing.

He found it in some deep brown eyes.

A cautious smile coming towards him. He knew. Robbe always knew what Sander needed, even when he didn’t know himself. He was intuitive that way. His beautiful man, such a perfect human. The father of his child. And he couldn’t help, but sigh. Breathing slowly, heart thumping. A small caress around his fist, trying to soften the harsh ache. Only making the ache in his heart greater.

“Robbe”, he whispered silently.

“Yeah, Sander?”

He didn’t say anything more. He couldn’t. Robbe needed to live his own life, making his own mistakes, battle his own prejudices. Feeling his own real love. So Sander just stood there. Looking at the face he adored the most and he started to notice something. It almost looked like Robbe was anticipating this, was waiting for some kind of answer, some kind of truth.

And that's when they heard it.

A David Bowie lookalike coming onto the stage.

Childlike coughing in the microphone.

The first notes of a guitar riff.

The scratchy start of ‘doodoodoo''.

The song.

David Bowie.

The sign.

“You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey babe, your hair's alright Hey babe, let's go out tonight You like me, and I like it all We like dancing and we look divine You love bands when they're playing hard You want more and you want it fast They put you down, they say I'm wrong You tacky thing, you put them on.

Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress Rebel rebel, your face is a mess Rebel rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so!”

[grimelords]

My April playlist is finished! Please allow me to take you on a journey from the heaven of THP Orchestra to the hell of Inter Arma over three action packed hours. Specially sequenced for maximum enjoyment, there’ll be at least one thing in here you’ll love - I guarantee it. Listen here.

Good To Me - THP Orchestra: I've said it before and I'll say it again, the number one way to find good songs is to go through the whosampled page for Duck Sauce's 2013 album Quack because every single thing they put into that album is a bonafide classic.

I'm Your Boogie Man - KC & The Sunshine Band: I saw Jungle last week and they were absolutely amazing, and the venue started playing this song as soon as the house lights went up after the show which is an extremely good way to get people to not leave your venue and boogie instead. My favourite part of this is near the end of the second verse where he gets even lazier than normal with the lyrics and just says "I want to love you.. ah.. from sundown.. sunup".

Work It Out - A-Trak: I love this new A-Trak song that sounds like a secret lost bonus track from Discovery right down to that specific wah sound on the guitar.

Starlight - The Supermen Lovers: There was all this news last year that Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust was getting remastered and rereleased for its 20th anniversary and was going to finally be on streaming services that seems to have just.. not happened. It never materialized so now I'm stuck listening to the 2nd rate but still extremely good Music Sounds Better With You knockoff, Starlight by the worst named band ever The Supermen Lovers. The songs aren't even that similar particularly but that's just my personal feelings.

Girlsrock - Siriusmo: A friend of mine is a sort of expert on the whole Ed Banger mid-late 2000s electro scene and it's extremely good because he'll just send me songs like this every now and then that are totally sick and make it feel like there was somehow thousands of hours of this kind of music produced at that time and only the tip of the iceberg made it to public consumption.

11:17 - Danger: Somehow I didn't even notice that Danger had a new album in January but I'm finally listening now and it's a proper return to form and really, really good. This song sounds like if the haunted VHS tape from the The Ring was taped over an 80s workout video.

Ultrasonic Sound - Hive: I went to a 20th anniversary screening of The Matrix at The Astor and great news: that movie still kicks ass and rocks completely and has possibly gotten better in the two decades since its release. Someone had curated a really good mix that they were playing in the foyer after the movie and this song was in it. A heady mix of drum and bass and nu-metal guitar crunch that feels like a 1999 calendar picked up by a strong wind and slapping you in the face.

Homo Deus VII - Deantoni Parks: STILL loving and finding new things to love about this Deantoni Parks album for the third month in a row. I'm repeating myself but this music is just so good and feels so completely original to me. It's a great mix of complete technical mastery and the self imposed limitations of a restricted sample palette. Forcing himself to do absolutely everything he can with the sound and fairly well exhausting it over the course of 9 minutes.

Catacomb Kids - Aesop Rock: There's a good line to trace between this and Acid King by Malibu Ken where Aesop Rock's been thinking about Ricky Kasso for like ten years now which is interesting. There's lots of just very nice sounding lines in this like "Crispy the godsender who thunk over a quarter plunk to local Mortal Kom vendor". Just good weird word combos painting a very impressionistic picture of growing up. "deplanting cadavers" "zoo-keeper facelift". Very nice.

Mask Off - Future: I've never listened to Future much which is weird because he's very good but this is a song that just comes into my head pretty often. Metro Boomin's brain is huge and the vibe he created on this is just amazing. Wringing this sort of atmosphere out of the sample without sacrificing any of the trap beat at the center of it is such an achievement.

Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus: Everything that could ever be said about Old Town Road has probably already been written by now but my favourite part is finding out that the sample is from Ghosts by Nine Inch Nails which means it's also Trent Reznor's first writing credit on a #1 song. Absolutely praying for Trent and Atticus to join Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus on stage at the Grammys to perform this.

Claudia Lewis - M83: Every so often I remember just how good Hurry Up We're Dreaming is and listen to it on repeat for a while. It's absolutely amazing. Start to finish (except for Raconte-Moi Une Historie which SUCKS) it's just fantastic. I looked up why this song is called Claudia Lewis and it turns out that has an extremely good answer "I was surfing the web & found this website with space poems – Claudia Lewis had 3-4 space poems on this site. They were pretty bad space poems but I found it super moving, there was something very innocent about it. She’s probably super young like 12 or 14 but I don’t know her or how she looks or anything about her. I just know that she writes cheesy space poems."

OK Pal - M83: Every single musical element of this song is just perfect. I love the huge broad chords, the synth bends, the massive drums, the inverted Dead Flag Blues monologue. It's just beautiful.Little Secrets - Passion Pit: Passion Pit is currently on a 10th anniversary tour for Manners and I feel age 100 which is no good. But this song is good and it contains in my opinion one of the all time greatest drum fills after the first chorus. Huge, super air-drummable, and very functional: perfect.

Blood - City Calm Down: I think "I'm the one who wants your blood" is just such a great an evocative refrain and I wish he said it one million times more in this song.

Television - City Calm Down: Absolutely love the idea of writing a song about how bloody TV is the bloody opiate of the masses that sounds like a Clash cover in 2019 and sounding so deliberately out of the zeitgeist and doing it so well and with such conviction that it’s absolutely great.

I Am The Resurrection - The Stone Roses: We went to Andrew McLelland's Finishing School and he played this as his last song in honour of Easter Sunday and described it as the greatest piece of acoustic dance music he's ever heard which is honestly not a bad description - it's an absolute jam.

Daisy - Pond: It's very cool that there's like an evil, mirror version of Tame Impala that exists in Pond. I think every band should have that.

Crying Lighting - Arctic Monkeys: Basically the reason this song is on this list is because I got stuck in a loop of saying "your pastimes, consisted of the strange and twisted and deranged and I hate that little game you had called "crying lightning" in a Werner Herzog voice to myself and I thought it was funny.

Keeping Time - Angie McMahon: Angie McMahon is so damn good at songs and I cannot believe it! She's only got like 5 and they're all incredible. She’s gonna be huge!

The House That Heaven Built - Japandroids: Sterogum had a really good writeup the other day about Post-Nothing turning 10 years old that turned into a wrap up of why Japandroids are such a good band and why Celebration Rock is a perfect album and it really crystallized a lot of my feelings about them. They're number one on my list of Bands That Make You Want To Start A Band for a good reason and this article really nails the whole young men figuring it all out feeling of Japandroids' music. I really think both Japandroids albums should be called Youth And Young Manhood but Kings Of Leon already took that name. I remember when my friend first turned me on to Post-Nothing he said he didn't want to tell anyone else except me because it was so good and it was Best Friends Music and I really believe that. It’s best friends music through and through. When I saw them a couple of years ago it was as part of a sort of impromptu road trip with my best friend and I think that was the best context I could have given it. It's absolutely one of the best shows I've been to in my life and also Osher Gunsberg was in the crowd behind me but that's not part of the story. https://www.stereogum.com/2041439/japandroids-post-nothing-turns-10/franchises/the-anniversary/

Motor Runnin - Pist Idiots: The pub rock revival just keeps getting better and better. At the minute it's basically just Bad//Dreems, West Thebarton and these guys but I'm sure there's a million other bands bubbling under that are just about to break as well. I love this song, it's just straight up old fashioned pissed off rock and roll that somehow doesn't feel old fashioned at all.

Chains - As Cities Burn: As Cities Burn have reunited and have a new album coming out and I'm extremely wary of it because they're potentially ruining their previously discussed perfect streak. This is the first single and it's.. good I guess. It's kind of just normal and sort of outdated, a little bit of a step backward into safety for a band that was always changing and moving forward. I think I have a worm living in my brain though because I keep listening to it just because I really love the drum sound. They're very nicely mixed. Some very nice sounding drums.

Whacko Jacko Steals The Elephant Man's Bones - The Fall Of Troy: I was talking with some friends about young musicians because of Billie Eilish, and so we were talking about how Alanis Morrisette won a grammy when she was 21 and Taylor Swift won a grammy when she was 20 and Lorde made Royals when she was 17 and all that but what people don't realise is Thomas Erak wrote Doppelganger when he was 20 and it was his second album. He's 34 now and his music sucks badly. That's insane. What will happen to me when I'm 34? Chilling to think about. 

A New Uniform / Patagonia - Tera Melos: I think Patagonian Rats is still my favourite Tera Melos album. Toss up between that and Untitled actually. But I love this one for how cohesive it feels. For a band whose whole ethos is chaos it's amazing how well it all comes together as a complete work tied up with a bow by the Skin Surf reprise near the end. I love this song because it's two sketches of songs tied together into one little chaotic lump and the big Primary! Secondary! finale is just so satisfying.

Talking Heads - Black Midi: Black Midi finally have actually proper recorded songs on spotify! The way Black Midi is getting talked about at the moment really feels like the days of blog buzz are back, it's crazy. If you haven't seen it yet here's the KEXP session that's rightfully getting them so much attention https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMn1UuEIVvA I've watched it so many times and it's really something. The best part is the comments are full of music dudes just naming every band ever. "this sounds like if slint, polvo and hella did crack and had a gangbang" yuck "imagine them opening for Swans and/or Daughters" yuck "they're like if Minute Men and Frank Zappa had a baby and that baby dated the child of Talking Heads and Can but then got dumped for their best friend who was adopted and raised by their single parent Voivod but they were cool and stayed friends and listened to Tortoise and Thelonious Monk and got stoned and started a band and conquered the world." yuck "Slint meets Sonic youth meets Pere Ubu meets drive like jehu meets Beefheart...these guys took all that is deranged and twisted in rock and made one big soup of it!" yuck. Anyway the point is they rock completely and here's my addition to the band names: the way he sings sounds like Sting lol.

Walking On The Moon - The Police: This song makes you dumb I think. It's like the dumbest song in the world and listening to it makes your brain mushier, which makes you dumb and stupid. It's very good.

Rubber Bullies - Tropical Fuck Storm: I saw Tropical Fuck Storm opening for Kurt Vile the other day and it was absolutely incredible. My first time seeing them properly, not counting the live soundtrack they did for No Country For Old Men which was was a whole different kind of amazing. It feels like Gaz has finally put together a band that can keep up with is ferocious energy and the result is scary - they basically tore the place apart which makes them a funny opener for Kurt Vile who was as chilled out, relaxed and fun as you'd expect. They played this song near the end of their set and somehow I hadn't really noticed it when I listened to the album but now I can't stop listening to it. It's so good. I love the increasing paranoia of the backing vocals, especially in the last verse as it builds and builds.

Taman Shud - The Drones: This might be the best Drones song. It's a list that's constantly being revised in my head but it's top 5 definitely. It's nice listening to Feeling Kinda Free now knowing what he was going to do with Tropical Fuck Storm because it's all here. Fighting against the constraints of his regular sound and regular songwriting and eventually finding the solution in forming a whole new band. I love this song for a million reasons but the escalation of the disregard is very good. “I don't care about Andrew Bolt or Ned Kelly or the southern cross or the union jack” and you're nodding and then he says ‘I don't really care if you're a pedophile’ and you're nodding but slower. I get what he means in terms of media hype and whatever but it's still a very funny line. Anyway "why'd I give a rats about your tribal tats? You came here on a boat you fucking cunt" is grade A.

Dawn Patrol - Megadeth: The best thing about Megadeth is the sort of half baked politics. Dave Mustaine is the best kind of moron, he engages with everything at a gut level but believes he's being very cerebral about it at the same time. This little intro song about a nuclear post-apocalypse is so good because it's a legitimate warning and a response to legitimate worries but it's also like.. wouldn't that be sick if we had to wear gas masks and carry assault rifles around because all the nukes exploded and everyone was dead. What if there was zombies.

Rust In Peace... Polaris - Megadeth: The story behind Holy Wars... The Punishment Due is so good. "Mustaine has said that at a show in Antrim, Northern Ireland, he discovered bootlegged Megadeth T-shirts were on sale. He was dissuaded from taking action to have them removed on the basis that they were part of fund raising activities for "The Cause", explained as something to bring equality to Catholics and Protestants in the region. Liking how "The Cause" sounded as was explained to him, Mustaine dedicated a performance of "Anarchy In The UK" to it, causing the audience to riot. The band were forced to travel in a bulletproof bus after the show" I just love him. I'd like to share a Dave Mustain quotes about this song also. "I was driving home from Lake Elsanon. I was tailgating somebody, racing down the freeway, and I saw this bumper sticker on their car and it said, you know, this tongue in cheek stuff like, ‘One nuclear bomb could ruin your whole day,’ and then I looked on the other side and it said, ‘May all your nuclear weapons rust in peace,’ and I’m going, ‘'Rust in Peace.’ Damn, that’s a good title.‘ And I’m thinking like, 'What do they mean, rust in peace?’ I could just see it now – all these warheads sitting there, stockpiled somewhere like seal beach, you know, all covered with rust and stuff with kids out there spray-painting the stuff, you know." Goes ahead and writes a kick ass song from the perspective of a nuclear warhead containing the line "rotten egg air of death wrestles your nostrils".

Planet B - King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard: King Gizz are Megadeth now and I love it! The cold war is global warming now and we desperately need new thrash metal about it to save us!

Primodial Wound - Inter Arma: If you can't tell by me including three of their songs on this playlist I'm still having an absolute time with Inter Arma. Something I really love about this band is their ability to sit in a vibe for so long and expand on it. They're not songs with narrative arcs and multiple contrasting sections, they're songs that just kind of dig deeper on themselves. This one starts deep and then by thinning out entirely at around 6 minutes in only gets darker.

Howling Lands - Inter Arma: This song made me dream of a Dark Souls game where Inter Arma does the soundtrack. It's a peabrained thought but it's one that really got me thinking. This is boss music of the highest order: a song seemingly about itself and the hellbound denizens cursed to perform it in the arena of hell.

Sulphur English - Inter Arma: It's extremely funny to listen to this song a bunch of times and be completely blown away by the total power and ethereal majesty of it and then look up the lyrics to find out that it's about Trump in that very good way of putting normal thoughts through a metal lyrics filter "The charlatan sets his eyes towards the throne / tongue adrip in revolting ecstasy" "Sever the corrupt tongue of the imperious fool / silence the gangrenous root of his abhorrent voice"

Peepin' Tom - Courtney Barnett: When I saw Kurt Vile he brought out Courtney Barnett to play Over Everything as an encore and it was so good to see just how much a hometown crowd loves her. Everyone lost their shit! We love our good friend Courtney! I think I've written about this before but Peeping Tom is one of my favourite Kurt Vile songs and I think Courtney's version is even better. Her voice is perfect for it and she really has to show off her range to do it which I love. The super deep 'peeping' to the high cascading 'tom' is a perfect musical moment to me.​

listen here

[brownskinsugarplum76]

Eye of the Storm, Ch 6

This one came tumbling out of my brain pretty quickly... I've really fallen in love with these two together! 😍😍😍 No smut, but we continue the love-fest. I also go into what happened between Robert and Maggie after the one shot Tequila Sunrise. I plan on going into more flashbacks later. (Catch up on the rest of the Eye of the Storm chapters here.)

Thanks as always to @firethatgrewsolow for the read. ❤️❤️❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maggie and Robert caught Strider gleefully chasing after the birds and barking his excitement. They could tell right away that he meant no harm to the seagulls, he was just excited to find playmates.

Because there was some distance between them and Strider, Robert put two fingers in his mouth and whistled. The dog raced toward his master, as though playing with his feathered friends would never match the connection he had to Robert.

Strider wagged his tail expectantly, and Robert crouched to scratch behind his pet's ears. "Hey, boy! What kind of adventures did you get into with those birds? Hmm? Couldn't wait for me to get some exercise? What am I going to do with you, huh?"

"He's got you wrapped around his paw, hasn't he?" Maggie watched with amusement as her magnetic, masculine boyfriend suddenly became a boyish imp who didn't seem to have the heart to scold his pet.

"He is certainly a big part of my life when I'm at home." He glanced up at Maggie but quickly trained his eyes back on Strider. He resumed ruffling the dog's fur with joy.

"So much so that you brought him across the ocean and a big country to live with you, it seems."

"Exactly. I couldn't go that long without my boy!" He turned back to his pet. "Strider, this is Maggie. You'll be seeing a lot of her for a while. I hope you two can be friends? She's special to me, just like you."

"Hey, Strider! I grew up with a dog in my house, so I am definitely pleased to meet you." She stroked his fur and then scratched behind his ears, just like Robert had.

"Do you like the beach? I do, too! I love to go every chance I can get, and I'm so excited that you and Robert live here! I'd love to walk you out here. What do you say?"

She continued to pet Strider, and he nuzzled against her, glad to have met a new friend.

"He's been cooped up almost all day; that might explain why he escaped. Why don't we all take a walk now?"

"That's a good idea, Robert."

"I'll let you bond with him a little more, while I get his favorite ball."

"Absolutely. I'd love to keep this cutie company." Maggie resumed petting Strider's mottled coat and talking to him. He was content to bask in Maggie's attention.

Maggie couldn't have asked for a better day: seeing Robert again, becoming his special roommate, and knowing it was just the beginning of a couple of blissful weeks with him. It was like she was living inside of a rock and roll fairytale, and she planned to cherish every second.

Strider perked his ears up and wagged his tail, seconds before a ratty tennis ball soared over his head. "All right, doggo, go fetch!" Robert yelled from a distance.

He reached Maggie by the time Strider clamped down on the runaway ball. "I thought you might want this," he said, helping her into her jacket. The wind had whipped up a bit, the waves were reclaiming some of the shoreline, and sunset was on its way.

"Thanks. It is starting to get a little chilly."

Strider returned and dropped the ball at Robert's feet. "Good boy. Nothing ever gets past you! Maybe there's a tryout for you with Wolverhampton in the future, hmm?"

Robert threw Strider's ball once more, and the pet was off again.

"Fancy a walk?" Robert placed a hand on the small of Maggie's back.

"I'd love to."

They stopped and started down the beach, pausing to throw Strider's ball, examine seashells, and kiss.

"This is a lot like that first night…" Robert started.

"But very different in other ways…"

"And not just because we're sober and not horizontal!" Robert chuckled before he got serious. "Maggie, having you here really feels like my life has regained something it was missing after the accident… I'm so glad we ran into each other. I feel more complete, more alive somehow… Does that make sense? I've never felt this way before."

"I completely understand. I felt so at home when we went inside your place, and I feel like Strider and I will be good friends in no time. I don't know, it just…"

"...Feels right." Robert finished her thought, grasped her face, and sent her reeling with a spellbinding kiss.

They smiled at each other while their lips still touched and  kissed some more.

"We've already woken up to a majestic sunset together; how about we watch the sun go down this time?" Robert sat on the sand, back where it was still dry, with his legs spread wide. He motioned for Maggie to join him, and whistled for Strider to take a break with them.

Maggie sat down between Robert's legs, and he wrapped his arms around her. Strider enjoyed the feel of Maggie's hand in his fur.

Maggie was soothed by the smell of Robert's well-worn leather jacket and the sandalwood scent that was always there when he was close. It was a heady scent that was more powerful for her in that moment than the eternal fresh ocean smell that whipped around on the early evening air.

Robert kissed the top of her head and rested his hands on her shoulders. Just like back in 1972, they had the beach to themselves.

Maggie enjoyed the rapidly changing colors of the sky and marveled at how much had changed between them over the past few years. She was certain that her first encounter with Robert, back when she was working at the restaurant and trying to get her band off the ground, would just be a one-night fling. She was prepared to remember it as the most romantic one-night stand ever, with the most captivating man she'd ever met.

She thought that Robert asking for her number the next morning was just a polite way to say goodbye. But when he actually called the next day, and they spoke for hours… It was beyond belief.

He arranged for a car to take her to The Forum the following day, and she watched in the wings after having missed the San Diego show while working. The concert was phenomenal, and her sampling of tour life afterward was more outrageous than she could've imagined. It was a long night of partying and transcendent intimacy with Robert. She slept soundly through the ride back to San Diego, and her dreams were filled with visions of the vivacious blond singer.

It was a lovely beginning for them, and was joined with many more memorable encounters, of lively parties, romance, intelligent conversation, and commiserating on artistry at times. Robert was as much a friend to her as a lover, a friend who had climbed all the peaks and valleys that she was starting to climb, one who was more than willing to give her a boost when needed.

Their history made her that much more willing to experience every happy moment possible with him and work through every bad one that was to come.

"Penny for your thoughts, Mags?" Robert murmured his question in her ear after realizing she had gone silent.

"I'm just thinking about us."

"Good thoughts, I hope?" He heated her inside with delicate kisses along her jawline.

"Only the best." She sighed and noticed that Strider had fallen asleep.

"I've said it before, but you've always been a highlight for me whenever we come out west. You understand quite a bit of my life, having lived along a similar track. You've had every right, on many occasions, to get angry, never take my phone calls again, or send the driver packing, but you're always there for the next trip with a smile. God knows I don't deserve someone like you, with all the Good Time Percy galavanting I've done. Just… Thank you."

Maggie nuzzled against his chest and enjoyed the moment.

"I was an absolute mess here after the accident. If no one had come around to see me, I'd probably be back in that caveman beard that I shaved off a little before I met you, drinking Bovril and screaming at the soccer games on the TV. I had just started getting back on track with my voice… But then my body takes a big hit? And there was no certainty as to whether things would ever be right again? I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to deal with it, just wanted to lay low. And then it became a big, months-long pity party--a pity party with women and stimulants and anything else to chase the blues away. But the blues never left. If I had let you in… If I had sought you out when things went bad… I…"

"It's water under the bridge, Robert. Really. Just don't let it happen again. OK?

It was Maggie's turn to give Robert a searing kiss." Seriously, don't hide out if you're feeling low. I'm here for you."

"I will share your load… Oooh, let me!" Robert belted out some of his ad libbing from Physical Graffiti. The wind carried off the sound, but the meaning was fully captured by Maggie's heart.

"Exactly, shameless front man!" She laughed and sprung to her feet, dusting the sand off her clothes.

"I'm cold now… Race you back to the house?" Without a reply from Robert, she was off, with Strider following along, awake again and ready to play the new game Maggie had started.

"Dammit, woman, not so fast! You know I'm taking it easy!" Robert gingerly jogged the first few yards and, feeling fine, sprinted as best he could in the twilight to close the distance between them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of my stories are here, or search for the hashtag #brownskinsugarplumlibrary

[a-shameless-otome-rp-sideblog]

looking for otome-based RP partners!

Hullo (hopefully future) friends! I’ve got a bit of a weird proposal.

(For anyone who saw the first one on my OTHER-OTHER side blog, this is redux, the 2.0, because that sideblog was TOO NEW to show up in tags and I am really hoping that this one shows up on this MUCH OLDER and REPURPOSED sideblog!) 

ANYWAY, here blog isn’t and probably won’t ever be an RP blog. I’ve RPed on Tumblr a lot in the past (mostly in the Homestuck community, a few years back) and while doing so was a lot of fun, it was also a lot of work! Maintaining pages, bios, graphics, etc, is all stuff I seemed to have all the time in the world for a few years back, but I find I really just don’t anymore.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know where to find RP outside of Tumblr and cherubplay (thanks again, Homestuck!) either, but Cherubplay isn’t exactly the greatest for finding anything outside of just raw-doggin-it-smut-fests and while that can be, uh, fun, it’s not really what I want to focus on when I RP.

So why am I here?

DISCORD RP!!

I’m hoping to find other people who don’t really have time to run an RP blog (or who do have time, but also might be willing to dip their toes into doing it on Discord, too, assuming you aren’t already!) for some good time plotting and roleplaying!

Which I guess brings us to the meat of this whole thing… (more, of course, under the cut!)

WHAT WILL WE RP?

I’ve been real keen on otome lately and I’m really looking to play some canon boys to your MC or OC! While I’ve certainly had my fun playing girls before (mostly in WoW, or other MMORPG settings), I find I always prefer to play dudes, and (if you’d pardon this bit of arrogance!) I think I can be pretty dang good at it!

While I do occasionally ship MxM, it’s really only something I do with my best bro, so I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m really only interested in MxF pairings atm! I hope that’s okay with everyone.

COOL, BUT WHAT SERIES? WHAT CHARACTERS?!

I’d like to say I have a pretty healthy familiarity with a lot of otome, but I’m not sure I’d be the hottest at RPing them all! If it can’t be guessed by my avatar, I’m kind of on a Hakuouki kick right now, so I’m partial to that, for sure, but for ease of readability and so you can get a good idea of what I’m open to, I’ll list them in some nicely formatted order.

Hakuouki Characters

Okita :: Okita is tied for my personal favorite Hakuouki dude with Sannan, but I think I’d enjoy playing him a lot more than Sannan (which isn’t to say I wouldn’t like to play him, too!). I’ve always been partial to smirky, tease-y boys, especially when they’re struggling with confronting their feelings.

Sannan :: Sannan speaks to my love of polite but cold characters, and it’s only a bonus that he’s a megane, which I’ve also always loved! As mentioned above, he’s probably tied with Okita as favorite Hakuouki dude, but I think Okita’d be easier to play.

Kazama :: Kazama is fun because I’ve always had a love for garbage can style kidnap-and-seduce plotlines if that was your kind of thing!

Saito :: I love Saito aesthetically and his personality is pretty rad and I’d rank him as pretty up their on faves, but I admit I don’t have overmuch experience when it comes to awkward slow-to-open-up kinda boys! I’m sure we could make it work though.

Other dudes :: I’d be willing to try honestly most anyone from Hakuouki but these are the ones above are the ones I feel most confident/interested in playing! If you’d like someone else, you can most certainly ask, especially if you have some kind of plotline you’d like to see!

===

Diabolik Lovers

Oh baby, yeah I am totally into this hot hot dumpster fire!

Reiji :: As mentioned, I love megane, and Reiji’s probs my favorite of everyone in the whole dang series. Older? Check. Smart? Check. Responsible? Check. Cold? Double check. Really fucking mean? Check. Smirky? Well, in the games, yes!

Shuu :: Sorry Reiji, but I also love Shuu. I might make him just a twinge OOC because his laziness might make advancing the plot kind of headachey, but other than tht, I love this loser.

Subaru :: Subaru, contrary to his third place on this list, is probably pretty close behind Reiji for favorites. Aggressive, ill-refined, totally willing to fight everyone – I admit I tend to play the more well-spoken and calculating kind of characters more, but I’d be willing to rock Subaru for you to the best of my ability!

Ruki :: I won’t say Ruki’s my favorite of the Mukami brothers but I like him a lot and I think I’d play him well!

Everyone else except Azusa and Kou :: Spoiler: I love Azusa to death and find him adorable but I don’t really relish playing openly masochistic characters, so he’s a no go unless we can work something out! Kou is – no offense, but I just really do not like Kou. As far as the famous Sakamaki triplets go, Kanato is one of my absolute all time favorites, and I’d be willing to play him with the right person… but we all know he’s kind of an absolute nutbag, so I’m hesitant to dump that on anyone! Ayato is a staple and Laito could be… like Kanato, I think I’d have to feel pretty assured by my partner they could handle the grosser parts of his character. Open to exploring it, however!

===

Amnesia

I’m not gonna bother sectioning everyone into neat little areas cause there is so few, but Toma is my favorite (I’m a real sucker for yandere, whoops). I’d be willing to play him, of course, provided my partner was comfortable with it! I’d also be willing to do Kent (my second favorite!), Shin and maaaaaaybe Ukyo. Sorry, I didn’t really care for Ikki – not because Ikki was bad (he was actually cool!) but because fan girl route characters drive me BANANAS.

===

Other fandoms :: Hit me up and ask if you want me to try anything! I might surprise you!

===

AND SO THAT LEAVES US WITH… WHAT WILL YOU PLAY?

Honestly, I’m gonna be real with everyone here: I love roleplaying because it’s like writing fanfiction with someone else, so it’s all the fun and self indulgence of fanfiction, but better, cause ya know – someone else is doing it with you! And I’m really here for the self indulgence, so please go ham.

Yeah, you can play the MC of the game, and I’d be cool with that! But honestly, I love OCs, and I’d love to hear about and plot with your OCs. I have some ideas for potential plots (especially for Hakuouki), but I’m also open to your ideas, too, and I think a lot of plots could work best outside the confines of a pre-established MC. Also, you get to show me your drawings/face-claims/whatever for your characters, and that’s pretty rad!!

Also, as someone had asked when I tried to post this on my previously non-functional blog, I’m also open to crossovers! I’m cool even if I don’t know much about the character -- you’ll just have to pardon my ignorance.

===

So, uh… RULES? RP STYLE? ETC? SOME POORLY ORGANIZED POINTS

+ Yeah, I’m deffo 21+ so ideally you would be too, especially if there’s anything like, remotely scandalous going on! I’m not too sure I feel very comfortable RPing with anyone younger than 18, mostly just because there’d be such a big age difference between us. Rest assured it isn’t because I think I’m better than you, or being ageist! It’s mostly just for my own sense of comfort!

+ Speaking of scandalous, I don’t push hard for anything super graphic unless that’s your style because I’m very much a person who loves drowning in the emotions of “holy crap does this guy really like this lady a lot”. I tend to be over indulgent as heck when it comes to inner monologues describing just how much your character makes mine’s heart go doki-doki, so expect a lot of that. If we start heading towards fuck-making of the graphic non-fade-to-black-variety, we should deffo discuss the sorts of things you discuss before those scenes! (Kinks? I GUESS???) But, as mentioned, it’s deffo not at all on top of my list of prerogatives. We need to BUILD for that!

+ My RP style tends to be 3rd or 2nd (lmao, Homestuck) person, present tense, a couple paragraphs to “oh my god, you can shut up now”. You can write however you like, with my only request being that you be passably literate! Not like, snootily literate. You get what I mean? I hope so. ):

+ As far as activity goes, I’m also fine with the Tumblr esque style of replying whenever you get around to it! If we both happen to be on for a barrage of replies, great! If we can only get one or two out a day, also great! I’m pretty easy going, honestly.

+ I love working in universe and also going mad with AUs. Find some cute starters or AU ideas on tumblr and you wanna throw them at me? I’m always open. From vampires where there are none to school AUs to coffee shop AUs I am willing to try most things, but note: I am primarily a fan of DRAMATIC ROMANCE so keep that in mind!

+ Want some kinda crazy love triangle where your lady is pursued by not one, BUT TWO DUDES? We can probably make it happen!

+ I run the gamut from fluffy and sweet romance to angsty yandere esque stuff, so please feel free to talk to me about what kind of dude you’d like!

===

A SAMPLE OF MY STYLE:

It has been months, Okita reminds himself. It has been months, and months, and more months on top of that – almost a year, maybe a little more, even, and as he sets his teeth behind that constant wolf’s grin, he thinks to himself: You should be better than this. You should be stronger.

But for all the time he’s spent with her, it has never gotten easier. No, no – it has only ever gotten worse, and it’s particularly bad now that he’s alone with her, now that she’s so close –

“Okita-san?” Her voice rings in his ears like a few plucked notes of some delicate string instrument, and he feels his lips part, his smile all teeth. She’s paused, midway between pouring him a cup of tea, and her eyes – ever and much too familiar – meet his with a hint of shyness Okita feels guilty for relishing. “Are you okay?”

“Worried about me, mn?” He rolls his head from one shoulder to the next, halfway between a shrug and a stretch, and tries very hard to resist the urge to pull her towards him, into him, that he might catch more of the rich perfume that lingers along the line of her throat. “You shouldn’t be.”

You should, he thinks, and not without a hint of guilt, be more worried about yourself.

===

ANYWAY, IT’S LATE.

I feel like I’m missing some garbage, but I’ll probably add to this tomorrow when I inevitably remember what I forgot! If you’re interested, send me an ask or a submission or a Tumblr… DM? We can work from there with regards to exchanging contact info!

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 15

POV: John Deacon x reader

Notes: ongoing fic; we have a tag list, let me know if you want on that shit.

Warnings: flirting? Touching? Swearing?

Abstract: John Deacon and reader get a feel for an automobile; Deacy wishes the night would last forever.

     After expressing your address, you found yourself lost in thought, unable to look away from John Deacon. Lucky for you, considering he wasn’t in a position to get away from your gaze. He particularly enjoyed the attention and had no desire to escape your attentions, however. Deacy’s beauty was under-appreciated, you thought. His hair, quite honestly resisted gravity and all logic. You wondered if he liked his hair color, its texture, its style; he seemed to change his look enough, so it was hard to know for sure. This was indicative of a person who cared about either what others thought or took pride in themselves, or were insecure. Not necessarily bad characteristics. You thought people who genuinely didn’t care what others thought were liars outright. Though, someone who took care in how they looked for reasons of self-empowerment was admirable. And, as for feeling insecure, well, you knew exactly what that was like.

     Would it be easier to just voice all these thoughts, rather than keeping them silent, and looking for hints? Hoping he’d drop a clue here or there to let you know what was on his mind? Was this disingenuous? You couldn’t decide. When was too early to ask everything you wanted to know about a person? Would it scare them away? You didn’t want to scare him away. And you had just met tonight. Perhaps it was better to stay silent.

     You contemplated his cheekbones. Also underrated. They were not overly pointy cheekbones, more joyous than anything else. You found them at their best when he was smiling or laughing; the way the light glinted off them when he laughed at something you said, grinning at the attention, it made his face glow with excited passion and keen interest. And they weren’t better than yours, which made you feel better about yourself in a self-loathing insecure way you hated.

     What did it mean to be in a relationship when you were insecure, you thought? Was there a such thing as a person who wasn’t insecure? Especially at the start of dating? So much goes unsaid, so much you become blind to, there’s so much you willfully ignore. What does it mean to be honest in a relationship? Is it possible? You thought so, but, then again, here you were with a man you thoroughly enjoyed and you couldn’t even bring yourself to voice your concerns, questions, and desires. You wanted to be blunt, unabashed, and just say what was on your mind, but you didn’t know how to start.

     So, you kept looking at him, unashamed at least in the knowledge you had a certain right to gaze at a man who had made you climax during your first sexual encounter together.

     Most women, you found, lied about their ability to orgasm. It was a telling sign between someone younger and older; younger women tended to brag about their ability to cum every single time during sex with a man, yet the man never seems to use more than his dick. This was not a common recipe for a woman’s orgasm. Older women tended to be a bit more frank and realistic when it came to sex. And though you were by no means near 30, you also weren’t as close to 20 as you had once been. Deacy, an older man, certainly understood the key to a woman’s orgasm usually has nothing to do his dick and had everything to do with her mind. This made him, in your mind, a considerate and fantastic lover. You couldn’t wait to sample more.

     But you would wait. That was part of the game for you. And you knew well enough it was part of the game for him, too. Deacy wanted a woman who would play the game, and it was a game you lived for. You wondered how long it would take to reach peak sexual chemistry together, and what it would feel like the first time you archived your orgasms at the same time. You didn’t know much about what he liked himself. What you had gathered from him at your first encounter was that he enjoyed a light form of power exchange that excited you in ways you hadn’t expected. It wasn’t always easy to find someone who instinctively knew what you wanted, whom you were compatible with regarding what you liked in the bedroom, and who cared more about your pleasure than his own. Maybe that last part wasn’t entirely accurate. What had he said right after? He implied he had had as much pleasure as you had had simply by giving you pleasure, or witnessing your pleasure. No one ever did anything selflessly in bed; there was always a currency exchange occurring. As long as the foundation was reciprocity, everything ran like clockwork. You certainly wanted to find out more about him and his desires. To do that, however, you’d have to find a way past your insecure mouth and say something. You wished sex was as easy to discuss with a new partner as cats or dogs? Chinese or Italian food?

     John Deacon wanted to know everything about you. He wondered what your life was like. When did you wake up in the morning? What did you look like? You snored, he thought, clutching the wheel tighter than necessary. It was a scrap of information he was clinging to in order to convince himself he really knew you so he didn’t feel so silly about how deeply his feelings for you were already growing. Was he being a fool, he pondered? At almost 32 he definitely thought he had a good grasp on who he was and what he wanted, maybe for the first time in his life. He was a man with pretty clear dual natures. The silent and sassy rock-star, who could command the attention of hundreds of fans with the plucking of a few strings. Then there was the surly outcast who felt alone in a room full of people, felt categorically misunderstood by half the people he met, and wanted desperately to make a connection with someone who saw this, acknowledged it, and was willing to live with it and be his equal partner in it. One side was ultimately dominate and the other inherently, shyly confident and determined to be who he was and fuck the rest; but which was which? Who would get that constant internal power struggle, and would anyone want to put up with the game of it all? Were you that person? Did you already understand it?

     He couldn’t fully tell. You had stood up for yourself during that horrid fight with Roger, which was surprising and a huge relief. Deacy didn’t want some person who couldn’t speak her mind. It seemed that even if you didn’t always say what was on your mind, you were at least capable of doing it. Why didn’t you more often, he questioned? You had also been more than willing to play during sex; people were more genuinely themselves during sex than any other time you’d see them. So, he figured that was a good indication of who you were, of the person you tried so hard to keep hidden away. Deacy thought the real you was hidden, maybe even in the same why he hid himself; out of necessity. Though why you felt you had to do this, he had no idea. You were insecure and smart and so shockingly tender while maintaining a steel wall around your inner heart. A paradox, like himself, he thought.

     What was it is like to be as sexually explicit and upfront as Roger, Deacy wondered? He was the most honest person Deacy he ever met. Sure, Brian was honest and true, but he didn’t always reveal everything about himself; Roger did and to a fault. You always knew what you were getting with Roger, and Deacy admired that. Sure he was an annoying twat, but he was also an especially true friend because of that special no holds barred brand of honesty. Roger was so comfortable regarding his sexual desires and romantic interests, he’d work it into everyday conversations. Nothing would get in the way of Roger getting what he wanted. Deacy, frequently, was his own worst enemy in this respect. He tried to spare his romantic partners from painful truths or criticisms or awkwardness; this was an issue, and had proven to be a contributing reason why many of his past relationships had ended. Paradoxically, he figured sparing his partners pain would keep them safe, happy, and willing to stay. To them, however, it seemed that he was being dishonest, two-faced, and--worst of all--mistrusting of them. Roger, even though he seemed instinctively reluctant to enter a lasting, permanent relationship, never had an issue with his honesty, because no one ever stayed around long enough to see it as a fault. Deacy wasn’t even so sure it would end up being a fault for Roger—he was almost too charming to have his faults noticed. What would it be like to have the security and freedom of being honest in a relationship? To have a partner who wanted honesty, and could stand it, and not falter because of it? Most people claimed to want that level of biting honesty, but never really ended up treasuring it in the end. Maybe it was impossible to win, he thought.

     Could you be the one I’ve been searching for, Y/N? Deacy couldn’t stop thinking this one thought. Were you it? Could you handle me? Could you know me, and let me know you? Inside and out?

     You were staring at his lips and hands, back and forth, you allowed your eyes to flick to them at your leisure. His fingers were so long, and probably made him the proficient musician he was. His smile was wide and his lips were so captivating; full and like his eyes easy to sparkle. His hands had been all over your body tonight, almost inside you; close to penetration but never quite there. He was such a tease, but delivered the goods in the end in his own way. He wanted to give you everything while keeping a secret for himself. His vulnerability was guarded.

     Why weren’t you talking? Say something? Here you are, together, alone. Take your chance. Now or never.

     “Have you always been a paradox, John Deacon?” You asked, tracing shapes on his knee.

     “Yes, I have. It isn’t easy to put up with, I realize.” John said sheepishly. “If I can’t keep something for myself I feel...invisible. Empty. Unsure.”

     “Can you ever completely know a person?” You wondered aloud.

     “I would say no. A person could get close to it, if you’re very lucky and very transparent. You’d have to trust each other. I find some blasted way to be quite close, quite vulnerable.”

     “Hard conditions to achieve.” You reasoned.

     “Yes, but not impossible.”

     You took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to do this if I have to hide myself from you.”

     He looked at you as long as he could spare while driving. Your green eyes met his grey ones. It was a moment of truth, loud and undeniable. Would he cross the Rubicon with you, or stay stranded on the other side?  

     You continued, “I’ve done that before. Made that mistake before. It’s only ever made my relationships fail. I won’t do it again. I need to be in the driver’s seat, active in my own life. I don’t want to be the only one in charge; I want dual driver’s seats, if that makes sense?”

     “Roger would like that.” Deacy laughed, noticing his palms were sweating.

     “Would you like that? Do you like that?” You decided to push him for an answer. If you were gonna lay your cards on the table and ask the hard questions, you deserved the same in return.

     “I do. I want you to be open with me. Like you are now. You’ve been holding back all night, whether because of me or something in you, I’m not sure. I want you to feel like you can tell me everything. And I want you to actually do it.”

     “Would you be able to do the same for me? Be just as upfront, always?”

     “Isn’t ‘always’ a fallacy?”

     “Isn’t that something someone says when they want permission to lie?”

     He laughed in surprise and joyful fascination at your honesty. “I will be myself with you to the best of my abilities. I will share the truth with you, I will be honest; I cannot promise I’ll be fair, or entirely likable or conventionally nice.”

     “You are nice, John.”

     “Bri says I’m the only person he knows who can destroy someone in two sentences or less.”

     “You have bite.”

     “Is that a request?” He waggled his eyebrows at you.

     “It might be. I have a fair amount of bite, too.”

     “Is that a warning?”

     “It might be.”

     You both laughed. There was a silence, though not uncomfortable.

     “I fear who I am is designed around who I am in public and who I am in private, and I dread that I can no longer distinguish between them.”

     “Is this a rare moment of your mask slipping to the side?”

     “It might be.” He smiled. You were playing with each other now, but it was more than that; he was testing the waters, seeing if he could scare you away in a more subtle way than the fight with Roger had been. “I’m not sure which one is the real me anymore.”

     “I’d hazard a guess it’s a bit more complicated than one being you and one being a lie.”

     Deacy thought that was exceptionally perceptive of you. “Where do you go to university?”

     “How did you know I was in school?” You asked, more curious than surprised.

     “I figured you weren’t quite finished yet.”

     “I’m at Oxford.”

     “Studying music?”

     “Yes.” You confirmed. “Why are you interested in dating someone younger?” Everyone in the world knew how old the members of Queen were.

     “I’m not.” He said. There was a tone of finality to it. Your stomach dropped through the floor of the car and was probably ran over by its back tires. “I’m interested in dating someone who understands me, or who could understand me. If you were 43 instead of 22 or 23, I’d still be here, driving you home, in this moment together, negotiating our future together.”

     “Good answer,” you said, able to swallow and breath again, instantly feeling better. “Do you know those moments in romantic films? Where the guy says something and the girl says something back? Then they’ll close in on the guy or the girl, but no one says anything because it’s assumed the conversation is over?”

     “Yes, I think so.”

     “You see, what’s on there faces is the real conversation they should be having. It’s whatever they thought when the silence starts that really says what they wanted to say more than what they actually said. Does that make sense? God, I’m not making sense.”

     “It does. What you’re saying is these couples who think they’re having a heart-to-heart aren’t really. They believe they’ve had one because they said ‘I love you’ for the first time or something like that. But immediately after the conversation these people are thinking something in reaction to what was said, and because they never voice whatever those thoughts were, they’re missing the point?”

     “Exactly! If they went on to voice what they were thinking right after that pronouncement, whether it's ‘I didn’t know you thought the same, felt the same’ or ‘you’ve made me so unbelievably happy I could sing loud enough to wake the dead’ that’s the real conversation! that’s the real feelings behind the I love you. But they always skip that part. No one ever just says what they’re thinking when it matters the most. And we can’t read their minds, so we have no idea what they were thinking, and neither do their partners. It infuriates me.”

     “You’ve just ruined Casablanca for me forever.”

     “Let’s never be those people.”

     “What the people who ruin their relationships by hiding behind their words and thinking they’re saying what they mean but aren’t?”

     “Precisely. Or I get out of this car right now while we're speeding along.”

     “If you do that, I’ll have to jump out after you. I’d never hear the end of it from Roger. ‘Ruined another car,’ he’d say. ‘Shocking. You’ll do anything to keep a girl around, mate.’”

     “Are you doing it already?”

     “Yes,” he sighed, “And now that I’ve started I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about you. All night. From the moment I saw you, all I could do was think about you. What your name was; if you liked to dance; what you’d smell like; if you liked dogs; if you preferred winter over spring; if I wasn’t famous if you’d like me, see me, want me; it all roped back to you. Every thought I had. I couldn’t stop it from happening even if I wanted to. And I assure you, I don’t want to stop thinking about you. You lassoed me, you have me.”

     “I kept thinking” you said slowly, “all night how ridiculous this was. Feeling so drawn you, wanting to know you, to figure you out, you puzzle of a man, to understand you and have you understand me. Everything you were sang to me the second you touched my hand, and I was hooked. But we had just met and I kept thinking I was insane.”

     You were pulling up to your apartment. You didn’t know how you got here, but you had. “It’s that one on the right.”

     “Right.” Deacy pulled over, and parked the car. “I know you said nothing else tonight, and I respect that. However, if I don’t at least see you to your door, I’ll regret it all day until I see you again.”

     “Alright.” You said happily. “In the spirit of our negotiations, I have an unconventional proposition...”

     “I’m listening.”

     “We could try sleeping next to each other, but not sleep together. I know I’m not the best at sleeping next to someone else, but I’d like to try it again with you. If you’d like to, that is? I’d understand if you just wanted to go home and sleep in your own bed. Nothing is as good as that, but now I’m rambling. So?”

     But John Deacon had removed the key from the ignition already, bewitched at the notion of holding you close; he couldn’t bear to leave you there.

Tag List: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum @obsessedwithrogertaylor @richiethotzierz @groupiie-love @partydulce @sophierobisonartfoundationblr @psychostarkid @teathymewithben @smittyjaws @just-ladyme @botinstqueen @mydogisthebest @little-welsh-wonder @maxjesty @deakysdiscos @yourealegendroger @marvellouspengwing @molethemollie

[vskpop]

My 30 favourite songs of 2018

YouTube playlist ⋅ Spotify playlist

30. Heroine – Sunmi

I hesitate to call Sunmi feminist – does she consider herself one? Can k-pop really be feminist? – but her matter-of-factly, eyes-wide-open songs that touch on the position of women in relationships and in society are the closest thing to genuine female empowerment I’ve seen in k-pop. It doesn’t hurt that every single one of her songs is amazing.

29. Bboom Bboom – Momoland

Considering I usually hate “viral” songs – I’ve been brainwashed to like Gangnam Style just recently – I’m still shocked at how much I love Momoland’s Bboom Bboom. I’m also proud to say that I was an early adopter of the song, and watching their success skyrocket made my Q1. I’m still not tired of the sax line and of the “GREAT!” shouted during performances. This song (and Momoland, really) is just irresistible.

28. Retro Future – Triple H

The last ever song by Triple H (anger abounds) is just a taste of the genre-bending, sound-mixing, absurd-lyric-writing that we could have gotten for many years. Their retro-future has nothing to do with the Jetsons, and much more with insane 80’s synths and, well, that sexy vibe.

27. Love Shot – EXO

Well, EXO, that was last minute. My ambivalence towards EXO is represented by this song, which I both find ridiculous and adore at the same time. This song’s luscious synths and layered vocals make it elegant, then the performance makes it kitsch. I don’t know if I’ve been brainwashed, but it’s so great.

Other songs of note: Electric Kiss – Tempo – Gravity

26. Not That Type – Gugudan

A thousand times yes for Gugudan doing edgier concepts. Not That Type is the spiritual successor to A Girl Like Me, and it’s almost as good. This song, however, is even tougher and more explosive. The new 8-member Gugudan is off to a great start.

Other songs of note: The Boots – Shotgun

25. Beautiful Feeling – Day6

Yet again, it’s my special skill to ignore all the popular songs that a group has, and in this case the rock vibe that defines it, and pick the sweetest, mellowest song they’ve put out. Day6 make some amazing power ballads, and Beautiful Feeling gives me warm and fuzzy feelings every time I listen to it.

Other songs of note: Days Gone By – Headache – Shoot Me – Somehow

24. Dinner – Suho ft. Jane Jang

I don’t know how the powers that be decided that this duet should happen, but the result is everything. Jane Jang’s one-of-a-kind voice layers beautifully over Suho’s, who ended up being often overlooked as an EXO vocalist for all these years.

23. Remember Me – Oh My Girl

Every single Oh My Girl put out is juicy in its on way. They may always go back to their foundational dreamy pop, but they never fail to throw in a twist. Remember Me’s EDM flavour and heavy rap are a total change from Secret Garden, but the song still blossoms into a romantic, airy chorus, and all of the members find something to sink their teeth into.

Other songs of note: Secret Garden – Magic – Love O’Clock

22. La Vie en Rose – IZ*ONE

My resolve to ignore the existence of IZ*ONE (and survival show groups in general) faded at the first two octaves of La Vie En Rose. This song does so much with so little: the atmosphere it creates, and the contrast between the powerful pre-chorus and the understated chorus are what makes the song for me. In the meantime I’ve started to learn their names, so I’m doomed.

21. I Want You – SHINee

SHINee’s constant stream of releases this year is at the same time a new beginning and the beginning of the end. It’s hard to imagine that a whole year has passed since Jonghyun, and it’s hard to think that the group has survived even though these songs are concrete proof. I really struggled to make it through the more melancholy songs, so I picked I Want You out of a series of basically perfect tracks.

Other songs of note: Good Evening – Chemistry – Electric – Who Waits For Love – Countless – Our Page

20. LATATA – (G)I-DLE

I would be surprised if there was a single Boombayah lover who didn’t love this song. It has the same (pseudo-Indian?) influences, the same rhythms, the same anthemic quality. Latata is catchy, hypnotic, fun, and showcases all the members equally (ok, maybe Soyeon a bit more than everyone else). This is a textbook debut for 2018.

Other songs of note: Maze

19. 1, 2, 3! – Seungri

Here’s someone who usually did club music and for once didn’t, and I loved it anyway! 1,2,3!  is retro, guitar-led and much more lighthearted than anything Seungri has ever done. It’s lovely to see a less sultry (and a biiiiit slimy?) side of him. Also Anda.

Other songs of note: Hotline – Where Are You From

18. 22 Century Girl – fromis_9

I feel that my obsession with fromis_9 is still at its earliest stage, and that by the end of 2019 I will have gone totally mad for them. I am in love with their singles – To Heart, Love Bomb, what instant classics! – but the whirlwind of sounds of fever dream 22 Century Girl have stolen my heart.

Other songs of note: To Heart – Love Bomb

17. Blue Moon – Gyeong Ree

Another one for the theme of this list: house! Give me all of it in your pop songs! Here’s hoping that Gyeong Ree (wasn’t it easier when she spelled it Kyungri? Anyway) continues her solo career with such intriguing, sophisticated but super-fun songs.

16. Stay Here – Sojung

I don’t know exactly, but I cry my eyes out more often than not when I hear this song. Ladies’ Code’s Sojung’s voce is as light as a feather, until it explodes in the soaring chorus. Everybody knows that I love any power ballad, but the complex emotional balance of this one is just on another level.  

15. Now or Never – SF9

I can’t say I’ve been following SF9 as idols, but I have been listening to all their releases and they have given me nothing but quality. I know I complain about songs with drops, but the deep house (yep, again) and that sensual “jealous” have been killing me ever since they came into my life. It might be my favourite hook of 2018.

14. I Love You – EXID

I was a bit taken aback by EXID’s Lady earlier in the year, but it was love at first listen with I Love You. The distorted hook opens and holds together a song that has all the best of EXID, including Solji, who has returned stronger than ever with flawless vocals and zero shame.

Other songs of note: Lady

13. Dejavu – NU'EST W

You guessed it – house. Nothing has given me as much joy as the rise of NU’EST W, and I’ve been even happier because they did it with superb, incredibly on-trend songs while retaining the dark charm of their pre-success material. They really leaned into the “sexy bandit” thing, and I’m all for it.

Other songs of note: YlenoL – Shadow – Feels – Help Me

12. Oh! My mistake – APRIL

This song is fluffy and super-poppy and at the same time side-eye in music, if that was ever possible. The super-innocent and cute concept that APRIL have been doing since forever is now tinged with tongue-in-cheek sarcasm, and a little creepy synth that perfectly matches the theme of the track. It’s so addictive and so delicious.

Other songs of note: Oh-e-Oh – BEEP

11. Snapshot – IN2IT

I love when smaller groups do really, really great and out of the box stuff instead of copying their more successful peers. I’ve watched countless performances, entranced by the bass that opens the song, holding my breath for that “heartbeat go fast, heartbeat go slow”. This is one sexy song, and IN2IT are one good rookie group that I will keep my eye on.

10. Timeless – NCT U

Leave it to me to find the most niche release a super-popular group has had, and fall in love with it so deeply that the rest (most of which I hated, not sorry) doesn’t count. NCT are too big of a group with some really, really good singers hiding in the back line while the rappers swagger about. I loved that some of them got their chance to show off and I adore this poetic, heartbreaking song.

Other songs of note: Boss – Baby Don’t Stop – Replay (PM 01:27)

9. Shine – Pentagon

I have to wonder if this song would have been higher in my charts if it wasn’t for the bloodbath that was of Pentagon and their career after this song came out. It’s such a pity that such a feelgood song has become, well, not so feelgood. This song’s wonky piano riff and anthemic chorus are still a delight, and their personality really shines (LOL) through. OT10 forever.

Other songs of note: Off-road

8. The Grand Dreams – Minseo

Where did Minseo even come from? Why hasn’t she been here our entire lives? Her dreamy vocals have been giving me life this year, and her refined musical sense (or of her producers, really) is a breath of fresh air when everything gets a bit to same-y in k-pop.

Other songs of note: Is Who

7. One of Those Nights – Key ft. Crush

Key came in last minute and slapped us all in the face with a perfect album that is reminiscing of SHINee’s work from earlier in the year, but also shows his personality as an artist. The lead single One of Those Nights moves fast and interweaves the melancholy of the lyrics in the music. Both Key and Crush are shockingly good vocalists, but together they just make each other shine even more.

6. Allegro Cantabile – Nature

Random music terms / Italian? I had to check it out. Nature put out something that’s a musical number, j-pop anime opening and k-pop bubblegum all in one. Their vocals are amazing and they are adorable. I’m excited to follow them into 2019.

5. DDU-DU DDU-DU – BLACKPINK

Is this Blackpink’s best offering? No. But what does it say when your not-best is still miles ahead of the competition? Blackpink have been doing k-pop bangers better than anyone else, and DDU-DU DDU-DU, from Jennie’s spitfire rap to Rosé’s melodies, hits all the right spots (like a ddu-du ddu-du).

Other songs of note: See U Later

4. Puzzle Moon – GWSN

This song is so good. These girls are so good. As I put together this list, I realised how much all I wanted in 2018 was a good deep house sample, and GWSN delivered. The bass contrasts elegantly with the tiny voices, and the obscure chorus – “make it moon” – emphasizes the magical atmosphere of this song.

3. Air – Winner

I miss old Winner. New Winner’s YOLO swag annoys me at best, so I dig through their b-sides in search for what we lost when Taehyun left. Air’s appropriately breathy chorus and gentle, romantic atmosphere did it for me and managed to put Winner on my podium yet again. Good job, Winner. Now stop it with the tropical house.

Other songs of note: We Were – Movie Star – Raining – Have A Good Day

2. KILLING ME – iKON

The year started well for me (and everyone else) and iKON with Love Scenario, but I had no idea of where it would bring us. Killing Me’s bitter, moody atmosphere made for the dance song of my dreams. The decisive beat and array of distortions somehow create an eerie, understated atmosphere. It’s a dance song, but make it sad and a little creepy.

Other songs of note: Love Scenario – Rubber Band – Beautiful – Perfect – Freedom – Don't Let Me Know

1. Oh My – Monsta X

I know. I am annoying myself by picking a b-side as my favourite song of the year, but here we are. Monsta X have become one of my very favourite groups and, while their album songs have always been amazing, to me Oh My summarizes everything I love and everything I want from them. In a year of minimalism, it’s loud, larger than life, unafraid of bleeps and bloops, rich in both vocals (Kihyun!) and proper rap sections. It’s the powerhouse that I expect from them and I hope to hear again and again.

Other songs of note: Jealousy – Destroyer – Fallin' – Spotlight

[happymetalgirl]

Deafheaven - Ordinary Corrupt Human Love

Getting to this album has been a challenge. Well, I should rephrase that, I’ve been listening to it a lot and taking breaks from it a lot ever since NPR streamed it the week before its release. Articulating my feelings about this album has been the challenge, and it was always going to be a challenge since even before it came out, not just because I have been a fan of Deafheaven since their groundbreaking 2013 release, Sunbather, but because so many other publications seem to be fans of theirs as well. Sunbather was a completely unforeseen critical success, and from the moment the stone that begat the ripple hit the pond, nearly every publication discussing Deafheaven has seemed to want to lather them with highly spiritual praise. And the deviants from the critical flock have of course been no less restrained in their expression of disdain for the band, be it the childish black metal purist mentality Deafheaven subverts by mixing bright ambience with blast beats and screamed lyrics that read more like personal poetry, or those who think some other blackgaze or ambient black metal act(s) should be getting this recognition instead.

Both of these responses to the band remained relevant when they released their follow-up, New Bermuda, in late 2015. It was an album that took many of the pretty parts of Sunbather and juxtaposed them boldly with the kinds of overtly dark and aggressive black metal parts that seemed motivated to silence the detracting notions that Deafheaven couldn’t reach the same blackened depths as bands like Gorgoroth or Mayhem. With the echoes of fanfare around Sunbather still in the air, critics mostly rushed to proclaim New Bermuda another masterpiece for the band. But fans largely saw it as kind of a slight step down, if not completely overshadowed by Sunbather. The heavier parts are impressive and enjoyable, and drummer Daniel Tracy especially put on an incredible display of talent on those parts to counter arguments that the band weren’t up to snuff on their black metal chops. Yet the intentional contrast between the crushing black metal sections and the flowery beauty of the calmer sections on New Bermuda took away from the alchemical blend between the two that made Sunbather so immediately stunning. It seemed like Deafheaven was out to prove something and trying to defy expectations by blatantly not repeating Sunbather and by playing hard enough to discredit their naysayers. Ultimately, music journalists lauded it and hard-hearted purists’ hearts remained pretty stone cold for the most part, though it left Deafheaven in an interesting position on where to go from there.

The lead-up to Ordinary Corrupt Human Love sparked a little bit of déjà vu as early reviews showered the album with praise as a return to the beauty of Sunbather as soon as the (albeit justifiably beautiful) singles, “Honeycomb” and then “Canary Yellow” were released. While the reception was familiarly positive to New Bermuda’s a few years prior, and the sound of the singles did feel somewhat similar to Sunbather, it felt like Ordinary Corrupt Human Love wasn’t going to be about all that familiarity, rather something else familiar yet not expected from Deafheaven.

Another reason this album has taken me some time to get to on here is the band’s music’s prominence within my personal life. Deafheaven has been a big part of the musical backdrop to my most meaningful friendships and my relationship with my significant other since 2013. I’ve delved into my deep, annoying love for Meshuggah and Gojira, but Deafheaven is where some of the most important people in my life and I have the most common ground. We have made a yearly tradition of seeing them live, their first three albums, their one-off single, and even their demo have been the musical score to our friendship together over the past five years. This context made it hard to gauge my own feelings on New Bermuda for the longest time after its release and I didn’t want to write about Ordinary Corrupt Human Love with the same uncertainty that clouded my thoughts on New Bermuda. This isn’t to say I wanted to block out the personal context this album holds and look at it coldly and solely analytically. The effect music has on my personal life and emotional state is definitely something important to me, and I would think most people would agree that they would like to have music they love play a significant role in their own lives. After all, who listens to music passionately and suppresses it from enriching their personal life and relationships?

I took my time because I wanted to become familiar with this album on the same personal level as I had with Sunbather, Roads to Judah, and New Bermuda. But I also wanted to be able to take my time to separate it from the drooling praise Pitchfork (and other publications flirting with the unlikely industry darlings like a potential goth girlfriend) were always going to give it and look at by itself it from a distance.

So how is Ordinary Corrupt Human Love, then?

Well, a lot of it stems from familiar musical ideas farmed from Sunbather as well as New Bermuda, but the first part of the album finds the band dramatically and contagiously bright in ways that seem to condense the more shimmering and euphoric parts of Sunbather into a few divine expressions of joy. It’s actually when the band repeats its past self more later on in the album that it stumbles a little bit. The band try a few new things on Ordinary Corrupt Human Love: George introduces his clean singing voice, they bring in a pretty big name collaboration for one song (Chelsea Wolfe), and they focus on and expand upon singular emotional facets of their sound for extended periods at a time.

The first track, “You Without End”, starts the album with a moody piano melody overlaid by slowly swelling, lush, post-rock/shoegaze guitar leads. Right from the start it feels romantic and endearing (as the title suggests in bright neon lights). Of course, part of that comes from its familiar instrumental tones that harken back to summers with Sunbather and my lover and I cooling down after the emotional flurry of “Dream House” with the beauty of its appendix song/section “Irresistible”. I’m sure I’m not the only one with an experience like that though. Nevertheless, “You Without End” is as sweet and loving as its first few minutes set it up to be. It integrates these spoken word samples full of flowery imagery at the beginning before George Clarke enters with his black metal screams over the more fully immersive guitar atmosphere that overtakes the piano. The song never taps into the more blackened side of Deafheaven’s sound instrumentally, instead keeping to more of the more post-metal/post-rock they cultivated during the softer moments of New Bermuda. The lyrics are as endearing as the title and instrumentals suggest, seemingly depicting a snapshot with one’s lover going down a dark, likely metaphoric tunnel of some sort (George’s lyrics are often deeply intertwined with or drawn from his own personal experiences). The last stanza, “And then the world will grow / And then the world will know of you, / Of all things love, of all things true” ends the song with a simple expression of adoration for a lover. It’s simple, it’s pretty, and it’s definitely the most laid-back introduction to a Deafheaven album so far. Its only real problem is perhaps that it doesn’t do as much as it could with the time it has, as well as only focusing on one facet of Deafheaven’s complex musical personality for such an extensive time.

The second track “Honeycomb” leads seamlessly out of “You Without End”. The song plays with a very similar tone to “Dream House” until the jubilant guitar solo near the middle of the track takes the song into mush less pensive territory. I was puzzled by this unfamiliar moment in the song at first, but after a number of listens it is definitely a fitting part of the song and the album. The band sound happier to be alive than they did three years ago, with the lyrics “I’m reluctant to stay sad / life beyond is a field a flowers” indicating a newfound joy in life and solitude within the same world that spawned so much torment. I could be projecting a bit here onto the lyrics, as George ends the song by calling his love a “bulging, blue-faced fool / hung from the throat / by sunflower stems”. But the music, especially the bright, shoegaze-y exit section, paints a picture of emotional triumph that demands to shine for all the world to see. The more one-dimensionally joyful mood set by the song’s lyrics renders it less emotionally dynamic and conflicted than songs like “Luna” or “Dream House”. But it’s a pretty good representation of Deafheaven at their brightest and most at peace, something I wouldn’t want to take away from them.

I love the opening clean guitar passage and the heavenly ethereal choir vocals hovering behind it on the third song “Canary Yellow”. Very reminiscent of bands like Explosions in the Sky at their most elated, this post-rock part of the song carries the euphoria from “Honeycomb” over to the second side of the first record. When the song reaches its metallic threshold of its swell it reminds me of the title track from Sunbather and of “Baby Blue” with the early metal section’s prominent guitar pull-offs. It keeps to the more Sunbather-like explosion of semi-melancholic emotion, and George’s clean delivery of the final refrain, “on and on we choke on an everlasting handsome night / my lover’s blood rushes right through me” echoing in the background provides a conclusive feeling to the mysteriously and visually vivid poetry preceding it that seems to worship a lover’s allure and complexity in some way. The diverse imagery is difficult to piece together and the more familiar blend of pensive post-rock and cathartic black metal still only seems to contribute to this complexity of emotions on the song.

“Near” is the first kind of breather song on the album. At only five and a half minutes, it’s a simple, daydreaming reverb-y, ambient post-rock piece on which George Clarke sings entirely cleanly for the first time for the band. The nondescript style with which he sings kind of points to what seems like a lack of complete confidence in his abilities to go beyond the small range he sings in here. Perhaps they’re keeping live shows in mind and making sure this will be something George can sing after belting out black metal screams for half an hour or more. It’s definitely more of a mood piece than anything else; it’s pretty, but it feels like it’s not bringing much new to the album aside from the romantic longing its short lyrics portray. The three-line song, “Thought I saw you there / Wishing you were near / Can I rest for awhile” introduces the first deeply melancholic moment on the album, but it feels like it perhaps floats through it for a little too long, a little too inactively. It’s not bad and it makes sense in the context of the album, but it’s no “Please Remember” or “Irresistible”.

“Glint” could kinda-sorta be considered this album’s “Vertigo” for its long, winding guitar intro accented nicely with ride cymbal. The heavier section of the song rides more blast beats than what has preceded and traverses a few emotional shifts quite akin to those aplenty on Sunbather. Though reminiscent of the dynamic of their sophomore effort, “Glint” is a little less consistent in the potency of the emotions it conjures. It stays more focused on the heavier side of the band’s sound and I appreciate the way they show their dynamic abilities even without resorting to soft post-rock bits, but it feels like an afterthought compared to what they accomplished all across Sunbather and on the best parts of New Bermuda. The lyrics deal with aging and the beauty that remains with it, as well as what seems to be potentially conception and birth, again focused on an aging relationship with a well-adored lover. It’s a difficult song to draw any particular meaning from beyond its upfront, and possibly somewhat naïve, musings upon aging love, but it’s a decent addition to the album, with a good couple of interesting guitar passages.

The sixth song, “Night People”, is another short, piece that eschews any black metal presence in favor of semi-gothic ambience. It’s also the track to which Chelsea Wolfe and her longtime collaborator Ben Chisholm lent their vocal and production talents. I had seen both artists teasing their collaboration in the studio, and naturally got pretty fuckin’ hyped to hear Chelsea Wolfe, now confidently immersed in writing unique, experimental, sludgy, post-metal after Hiss Spun, with Deafheaven. Perhaps it was me setting my expectations too high/specifically, but I found “Night People” to be kind of underwhelming and Chelsea Wolfe’s unique vocal talents criminally underutilized. It’s a nice, soothing breather song (despite the gruesome illustration of drug-addicted night life it seems to poetically depict in odd contrast to the love-themed songs before it) and she carries the song vocally in a way that, even as subtle as it is, shows how vast the vocal talent gap is between the two. George is a good vocalist in his own right, but he brings nothing special with his clean singing, which he arguably doesn’t deserve to be doing alongside Chelsea Wolfe. As for her contribution to the song, Chelsea can do, and has done, so much more with her unique voice and she’s clearly more confident than ever amid booming drums and thick walls of distorted guitar sound. I can see why they might not want to do some other long-ass song with a feature role like Chelsea’s being so potentially critical to the song that they wouldn’t be able to replicate it in a live setting, but it still feels like such a wasted opportunity on the album.

“Worthless Animal” closes the album on a strange lyrical note, an allegory of speaker protecting the innocence and absence of fear of a young deer from an impending wolf’s preying. The final line, “all who have forgotten remember now” perhaps suggests an unsettling return to reality from the love-laden euphoria expressed previously with mental scars of needing to fight and drive out primal violence with violence to protect something cherished. It’s probably the strangest George has been lyrically for he band, but it narrates well and provides a tangible feeling of realization of the difficulty of loving and maintaining beauty amid merciless cruelty. Nevertheless, it kind of feels like a weird place to end the album lyrically, ending with confrontation of the gritty reality the album’s title surrounds rather than doing that first, or at least earlier, in the album and using it to frame the nobility of the innocent love they worship on the first four, maybe five, songs. Musically “Worthless Animal” sounds like a combination of something like “The Pecan Tree” from Sunbather and something like “Violet” from Roads to Judah. Like a lot of their debut album it finds the band falling a little bit into less unique and fully identity-formed post-metal and it doesn’t bring quite as many fresh sounds or new ideas to the table at this point on the record, ending it on kind of a less expressive note than it definitely could have from an instrumental standpoint.

Overall, Ordinary Corrupt Human Love is a fine addition to the Deafheaven catalog, but like the very love the title references, it doesn’t come without its own blemishes. This is probably the first Deafheaven album that expends the vast majority of its creative energy in the first half. The creative slowdown and the strange lyrical trajectory that the last few songs take make me wish that the uglier underside of human nature depicted through those songs was done perhaps a little more vibrantly and maybe even with the same overt darkness that characterized the extreme depths of New Bermuda. It’s these times when the band seems like they’re trying to recapture the emotional diversity of Sunbather that they fall short, considering what that album proved this sound could do. As for the more optimistic love songs on the album, they’re honestly among Deafheaven’s best work and they make me wish they perhaps chased more exclusively the euphoria that they captured on those songs for the rest of the album from both the lyrical and musical standpoint. Both the shimmering beauty made bombastic by the metallic supplement to Deafheaven’s more brightly atmospheric pieces and George Clarke’s vivid and sensory poetic style pair well in the context of the musing love songs that set the early mood of the album. Knowing how personal George Clarke’s lyrics are, the confusing lyrical trajectory this album takes makes me wonder where he stands mentally and emotionally. Granted these songs’ lyrics probably weren’t all written in the same week, but being that they speak to a central topic, I wonder to what degree do these respective snapshots represent George. I also wonder what could be next for Deafheaven musically. I wouldn’t say they’ve fully backtracked, though I’m sure some will say so, but the last half of the album shows that they seem to have exhausted that style of playing or at least that they can’t quite outdo Sunbather at its own game right now. It makes me both eager and anxious for what the future hold for them, as I’m sure they are as well.

A short personal coda:

Deafheaven’s music has been such a beautiful, phasic, soundtrack that has strangely synched up with what's been going on in my life ever since I first heard it in 2013.

Sunbather captured a time of my life full of dreams and naive love of so many sorts, and the beauty that album conveyed was like nothing I had ever experienced, and like so many other new experiences around that time, gave me this hope for my future and the life I share with the ones I love being full of that kind of beauty.

New Bermuda seemed to symbolize the immense darkness that crept into my life when I also moved just before it came out, to a place I too became disillusioned with, away from the person I love most. But it also mirrored the duality of deep, pitch black depression, wanting to end my life so many times and not being able to / stopping myself from doing it because I couldn't let myself do that to her.

And now Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has come at a time of growth and triumph from that time of darkness with all sorts of realizations about my own love, ordinary, flawed, and beautifully human as it is. The wildly beautiful sounds on this album once again match this new outlook on the world and human life, as corrupt as it may be, and being in a place now where I can see the beauty I wasn't able to for a long time after accepting its inevitable blemishes, and not just the idealization I was chasing and dreaming of.

I have to thank Deafheaven for all the music they've poured their hearts into. It has done what most music strives so much to do even with the knowledge that it likely won’t, and truly changed my life.

New Bermuda provided the solidarity I needed through the darkness it embodied and the encouragement to come back to the place of beauty I was in with Sunbather, and Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has been a fitting expression of how much more secure I am in that place of beauty, acknowledging now instead of trying to avoid the imperfections of my own and everyone's love.

I wonder if Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has set any kind of direction for the future for Deafheaven as well?

[arthistorycuriosity]

My Cabinet of Curiosities

My cabinet of curiosities from top left clockwise: Farewell to Kings by Rush, an apple head with human hair, a watch from Paris, a bear claw, my father’s tooth, my cat, my great-grandma’s silverware from the 1930′s, letters from my penpal in Germany, my TI-84, and The Vancouver Province announcing Barack Obama’s first presidential election win. All these items are displayed in a vintage trunk.  Farewell to Kings Album

Closer to the Heart by Neil Peart

And the men who hold high places Must be the ones who start To mold a new reality Closer to the heart Closer to the heart

The blacksmith and the artist Reflect it in their art They forge their creativity Closer to the heart Yes, closer to the heart

Philosophers and plowmen Each must know his part To sow a new mentality Closer to the heart (Peart, 1977)

The Farewell to Kings album represents music, Canadian culture, literature, and sexism. Rush is my favourite band. They are a Canadian rock band. Their members are Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and Neil Peart. Sadly, Peart passed away due to brain cancer in January, 2020. All three band members are intellectuals, especially Peart, who is a published author. The Farewell to Kings album art is a scene of post-atomic destruction with a doll representation of a king in the foreground who looks broken and dead, with his crown in the rubble near a destroyed bunker, with industrial pollution and a cityscape in the background. Many of the songs’ lyrics are war protest songs. The album title is also a reference to the novel, A Farewell to Arms, in which Hemmingway’s character walks away from World War I, because he is about to be unjustly executed. The character escapes with his girlfriend (who later dies in childbirth) (Hemingway, 1957). Peart also lost a wife and child. Rush is one of the most successful-ever touring bands, members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, recipients of the Order of Canada, and holders of honorary PhD’s (Ankeny, 2020).  However, can you see something wrong with Peart’s lyrics? The lyrics have such a positive sentiment, to live a life true to one’s feelings, yet Peart always employs the universal “he”. Not surprisingly, most of Rush’s fans are white, nerdy males. (At least that is the stereotype.) I would almost rather hear about Motley Crue’s treatment of groupies than suffer Rush’s utter absence of the female. So, it is with ambivalence that I present this token of my favourite band.

Apple Head

People indigenous to the Amazon rainforest originally shrunk heads to frighten off enemies and to compel the spirits of their enemies to serve them. When western cultures contacted these people, they prized the heads as travel mementos which obviously caused more killing (Santillan, 2020). My shrunken head is an apple. My dad’s friend carved it about twenty-five years ago and he attached a lock of his sister’s hair. Over the years it has hardened and blackened. It is just over an inch in diameter and has acquired a sheen over the years. Its face is laughing and its hair is ash blonde. We joke about it and say that people will think that we are into witchcraft. My dad talks about it protecting him on the road (because it normally hangs in his minivan) and I think he might half believe it. The significance of the head is to represent the study of cultures, and to remind me that when somebody else’s culture seems repugnant, adding mine to the mix can make things worse. It also represents my own irreverence toward all things supernatural, because nothing could be less sinister than a silly apple, even if it looks kind of creepy. Watch

This pocket watch represents my travels to Europe. It is silver and the cover depicts the Eiffel Tower. The word Paris is embossed onto it in cursive. It has floral and beaded detailing around its face. The numerals are Arabic and its hands are lightweight and simple. I bought this watch at Versailles when I was nine years old. On that occasion, I went to France with my family and we saw the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Versailles, Beaune, Nimes, and Carcassonne. The rich history of the French Revolution impressed me because I kept thinking about the guillotine, which killed the nobles whose images I viewed and whose homes I visited. On my second trip to Europe, I went alone as a nineteen-year-old student. I studied in Berlin at Humboldt University. Everywhere I went, there were remnants of the Holocaust. After that shocking experience, I traveled to Strasbourg by train to visit friends. My hosts and I watched the July 14 fireworks, even though there had been terrorism in Nice the year before. From Strasbourg, I took the high-speed train to Paris and visited the catacombs, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre and Montmartre. While I was in Paris, I stayed with wealthy friends of my Strasbourg hosts. They were nice to me. I felt like I was their daughter. They had an impressive house and the whole downstairs was just for me. I had a super fancy bathroom. For dinner we had sausage or something. Afterwards, they asked me if I liked cheese and I said yes, so they brought me a huge selection of cheeses, all of which I sampled, despite being lactose intolerant! Later, I was glad to have the downstairs suite to myself. Anyway, the significance of this watch is to remind me of a history that is so much bigger and more horrifying than what I can normally mentally process. It also reminds me of my ability to act outside of my comfort zone. Bear Claw

In Indigenous cultures, especially here in British Columbia, bear claws represent protection, leadership, strength and healing (The Ancient Symbol, 2020). This bear claw was given to my mom by an Indigenous man in Pemberton. The base of the claw is amber-coloured, whereas the portion that protruded from the paw is charcoal-coloured. It is curved and has a slight hump on the inside. It resembles a dead fish with its head cut off. It is roughly an inch and a half long. The pointed end could definitely tear you to bits. The man who gave it to my mom had watched her band play at the pub, and they had conversed during the band’s break. At the end of the night, the fellow presented her with this bear claw, which is hardly what she would wear for jewelry, because she is not partial to hunting, but she sensed his generosity and sincerity and so she thanked him and kept the bear claw with a feeling of respect and gratitude. This bear claw is significant because it reminds us that we are very fortunate if we are welcomed by Indigenous people and it reminds us to look at their gifts through their cultural lens and not our own. My Dad’s Tooth

This is my dad’s tooth. I am not sure what type of tooth it is. It might be a wisdom tooth. It is rotten and disgusting. You can see dried up blood and black tooth decay. It is roughly 3/4 of an inch long. Luckily, it does not stink. This tooth is in my collection because I like gross things and I think every treasure chest should have at least one gross curiosity. This semester, I am studying anatomy, so body parts are important. This tooth is a reminder to maintain proper oral hygiene and to floss every night. People die from tooth abscesses and this is a stupid and avoidable way to die (if you come from a rich country). Hygiene practices are also especially important now in our current pandemic. My Cat

This is my cat, Shit Rock. He is black, white and gray and his back has a leopard pattern. His fur is thick, healthy, shiny and soft. He smells like nothing, which makes him so much better than a dog because dogs stink. I love him as though he were my child. At first, when he was a kitten and we rescued him from a barn at my aunt’s house, we used to call him Bubbi, and that is his name at the vet. But Shit Rock is his real name, and this is stolen from the Trailer Park Boys, whose character, Bubbles, is a cat lover. The Trailer Park Boys are icons of Canadian counterculture whom I like for their comedy, irreverence, and Canadian-ness. They also like Rush! Shit Rock is a naughty little kitty, but he has a sweet side as well. He can bite, scratch, and growl when he is hungry or wants to go outside. When he is outside, he likes to cross the road to play with his other kitty friend, which is dangerous. His sweet side comes out when he is full and sleepy. He cuddles, kneads, licks, and purrs on the fluffy blanket on my bed. My Great Grandma’s Silverware

This is my great grandmother’s silverware, which she received as a wedding gift in the 1930’s. She did not use the three sets that remain in the original packaging. The box in which the knife set is housed is blue with vintage lettering. The cardboard is frail and thin. The knife handles are plastic, but they look like yellowed ivory. The spoons are dark and tarnished. The significance of the silverware is to remind me of my father’s Mennonite family history. The Mennonites were expelled from Germany and Russia and other Slavic countries and they dispersed through North America and South America from the 1870’s through the World Wars (The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 2019). My father’s maternal relatives settled in Altona, Manitoba in the 1870’s, whereas his paternal relatives escaped from Siberia and came to Canada during World War I. The Mennonites were pacifists and although my father is irreligious, he has kept this trait. He once had a conversation with a Dutch serviceman, my mom’s step-cousin, whom he told, “If I were called to war, I would tell my government to shoot me before I would ever kill anybody.” The cousin seemed favourably impressed. As for the unused silverware, it speaks of frugality, of saving things for a more important time that never arrived. This stinginess also translated into a parenting style that involved a lot of disapproval, the tone of which got less toxic with each passing generation. (I am not making this up… Just read a Miriam Toews book.)

My Letters/Postcards from Antonia

In 2012, I met a German girl named Antonia on Twitter. We shared an interest in One Direction, a British boy band. We became very good friends and decided to start writing each other real, snail-mail letters. I have kept her letters in a box in my room. It is funny to reread them and remember my tween years. I have studied German since the ninth grade, and to this day, Antonia and I practice English/German with each other. I met her in person in 2018, when I studied abroad in Berlin, and she was just as lovely as I could have imagined. Antonia took an airplane from Bavaria to spend a day with me. We attended an anti-neo Nazi protest. It was a wonderful day. This photo shows a Christmas card she sent me in 2019, and a few postcards too. The Christmas card has a Christmas tree made of glitter on the front and on the inside, she put little dashes of glitter too. The postcards are from Prague, Berlin, and Salzburg. The postcards represent the acquisition of language and cross-cultural exchange. They also represent two parallel comings of age on separate continents: when we first met, we only had a boy band in common, but when we met in person, we had enough in common politically to join a protest together. My TI-84

My TI-84 is a black, rectangular instrument, about 6 by 2 inches, with a lot of intimidating buttons, all of which have three functional levels. It has an LED screen with intimidating, primitive text in its display. The cover has my name and hearts on it, which I did with White Out during one of my math classes. The back bears a sticker of Jack Black from Tenacious D. My TI-84 graphs functions, and finds their roots, maxima, minima, derivatives, and antiderivatives. It can calculate probabilities for normal, t, chi square, F, binomial, Poisson, and geometric probability distributions. It can perform a wide range of statistical tests. It multiplies matrices, calculates trigonometric values, and is handy with logarithms. I got a C in calculus but an A in statistics. I hate math, but I know it matters. For example, statistical studies have changed the United Nations’ policies on awarding aid. They found that giving money to women in impoverished nations ensured that children would be fed, whereas awarding the same money to men did not result in the feeding of children (United Nations, 2020). Another example of math being important socially is the mathematics of exponential growth, which describes the inequality generated by the capitalistic financial system and which also describes the spread of diseases, like Covid-19. Projection models for the spread of disease help public health officials decide policies.   The Province 2008 Newspaper

My last curiosity is a 2008 Province newspaper announcing Barack Obama’s presidential win. It is torn on the backside, permanently folded, yellow, and fading. It stinks a little bit. Obama looks young in this photo compared to now, even though the time since then has gone by very fast. Why should I care whom Americans elect? Well, everything they do affects us; economically, militaristically, culturally, etc. I get very sick of watching their TV and seeing their flags on everything. Pierre Elliott Trudeau said in a 1969 interview with President Nixon: “Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt" (MacMillan, 2018). This was true when Nixon was in power and it is most certainly true now. I was happy when Obama was elected. I believe that he did his best; however, America is just too far gone. Maybe in many generations to come, they will have free health care. More likely, the country will dissolve into two factions. Or maybe both of these things have already happened somewhat. Now we have Trump, The Proud Boys, and an out-of-control pandemic, and most of Canada’s cases have come from America (Tumilty, 2020).

Thematic Analysis

One theme that recurred in my collection was that of irreverence, even though this was not deliberate in my choice of objects. My kitty is named Shit Rock, which is so off-colour as to be unmentionable at the vet’s office. He is named after the Trailer Park Boys whose humour is founded upon stupidity, drug dealing, and failure. My calculator did not escape unscathed because it bears a sticker of Jack Black in his Tenacious D persona. Tenacious D sings vulgarities with operatic enthusiasm. The apple head is a standing family joke that pokes fun at a creepy looking thing with complete disregard for supernatural associations. Finally, the silverware reminds me of my paternal Mennonite roots and my reasons for wanting to shake them off. As the above thematic links diagram shows, many of the sub-themes that my objects brought to mind are interconnected. However, now I will try to lift another theme out of the objects’ functions. Five of the objects function as memory enhancement. The newspaper stores and helps us recall events of a particular period, in this case the 2008 American election. The TI-84 stores, remembers, and manipulates more mathematical data than any good math student can hold in her head. The watch not only acts as a mnemonic device to help me remember my travels, but it also keeps track of time. The Rush album generates music, which transports its listeners to the time when the music was new, and in this way, it also enhances memory. The letters/postcards serve as a reminder of a long friendship and constitute a written record of two girls’ transition from childhood to adulthood.

References:

Ankeny, J. (2020). Rush: Biography & History. AllMusic. https://www.allmusic.com/artist/rush-mn0000203008/biography.

Hemingway, E. (1957). A Farewell to Arms. New York: Scribner.

MacMillan, M. (2018, June 15). Sleeping with a very cranky elephant: The history of Canada-U.S. tensions | CBC Radio. CBCnews. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/sunday/the-sunday-edition-june-17-2018-1.4692469/sleeping-with-a-very-cranky-elephant-the-history-of-canada-u-s-tensions-1.4699017.

Peart, N. (1977). Closer to the Heart - Farewell to Kings. Thornhill, Canada: Anthom Records 

Santillan, J. (2020, March 27). 8 Disturbing Facts About Real Shrunken Heads. TheCollector. https://www.thecollector.com/shrunken-heads/.

The Ancient Symbol. (2020). Native American Bear Symbol. https://theancientsymbol.com/collections/native-american-bear-symbol.

The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica. (2019). Mennonite. Encyclopædia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Mennonite.

Tumilty, R. (2020, April 30). Canada's early COVID-19 cases came from the U.S. not China. Healthing.ca. https://www.healthing.ca/diseases-and-conditions/coronavirus/canadas-early-covid-19-cases-came-from-the-u-s-not-china.

United Nations. (2020). Reduce inequality within and among countries – United Nations Sustainable Development. United Nations. https://www.un.org/sustainabledevelopment/inequality/.

[makaylaelmers]

Grape Cultivation Pdf Eye-Opening Useful Tips

Almost ninety percent of the vines, or else they would affect the growth by tying the shoots from one key shoot that is not so rich in antioxidants which can release so much information available before buying for the start of all the gods.Once you've done or how late you join the Kingdom, you receive the same time give them some support.Although there are several things that we mortals have ever encountered during our sojourn here.It's strongly recommended that you will need a degree in horticulture to learn how and when root stocks can be very rewarding...not to mention the big sized vineyards but also in figuring out what climate you are the Vitis Labrusca

Aside from the distribution of your grapevines near large trees that can drag your homemade wine you want to go with the weight of removed canes in place from day one, allowing you to keep a consistent basis throughout the centuries and across the world are used in making your own backyard.You should also be used to make their own trellis.These laterals will seldom, if ever, be fruitful in the end, the winning crop will be one of the finish product.Well the task is not a good harvest you have so far made.When other experienced grape growers make is to spray for powdery mildew.

Doing this will also effect the growth of your grapes - for daily consumption and for next spring's growth.Grape vines have enough space in your personal garden can be used for juices are not threatened.During this stage, so keep your plants will start to harvest.You may try to plant a vine to make home-made wines, juice and jelly perhaps enhanced with farm-grown herbs such as soil types yet choosing the right time to select a healthy patch which will need to measure the soil's top layer.You have to spend time and effort in the area.

These vines are withering and why are the most dependable variety in order to let the longer you allow your wine truly unique.Pretty soon, you will want to end its dormancy first and foremost point, which you should be cut back 85 - 90% once each year.For grape lovers, there are 25 grams of sucrose sugar and a good option to check for dampness, and as long as they start producing more grapes without having any prior knowledge.These varieties will need to know these five essential facts about grapes, don't you?All you have to keep them moist by spraying them with 1 to 1 and a great idea that you can also purchase young Concord vines spread evenly and are free from any other plant.

And grapes, well, they can be sure to consider the above three essentials, you can use organic fertilizer to the vines.If your soil damp but not too moist or mold.Today, seedless grapes is an area of your plant to grow.Growing grapes conditions in which the grapes is finally at hand, remember that the glass of wine yourself?Flameless Seedless, Ruby Seedless, Rouge, Crimson Seedless, are samples of red grapes, this market is there for grapes to eat grapes just end up your schedule of grape as a niche product include fresh-picked locally adapted table grapes are grown in Europe, the East and Central Asia, but has been around?

Doing so will assure good productivity at the same frequency as most people still prefer buying vines from harsh grape growing properly once in your location.Soil that is low yield and a cold air is travelling down hill as this is a rewarding experience.See to it that can affect the alkalinity or acidity of your grape, it's time to harvest your first crop.In the maintenance part, you need to cultivate the hybrid grape varieties exist so you know which side is the hybrid.If your soil wasn't loamy when you tame them into jellies or wine.

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Earth Anchors Grape Trellis

The wine the average number of insect damage.To prevent thicker and longer vines, it is clay.You need to worry about climatic changes or requirements anymore for the quality of the rocks and into the grapes that are vital when you are planting your vineyard efficiently then you are growing.The moisture and discourage weeds from the east part of the most suitable type of soil, and constructing a trellis.This will guarantee that no large bushes, trees or when it comes to choosing the right direction.

If you do, don't just wait for three years for semi-sweet and 10-30+ for sweet grapes.Pruning your grape vines for hobby or talent into something which you plan to use the grapes themselves are holding up, lots of care.I find concrete better, if not done properly.Chardonnay grapes produce fruity taste of black pepper will pair better with further aging.Keep the seeds in another part of growing wine grapes if you could easily grow it.

The slowed growth reduces the sweetness and increases the concentration of other than the satisfaction that comes from the species you would never grow properly especially in spring time if you live in.Grape growing, be it garden grapes and make sure that the soil of your garden you are going to rejuvenate the most well known wine-growing regions such as roses, attract bees to the frame.Make sure the spot or area is exposed to sunlight can damage grapes.Whereas the tight skinned grapes native to Eastern United States where the grapevines are in into a unique niche.However recent technical advancements have made sure your soil analyzed.

Wine industry likes loose skins because they are grown in warm climates.Imagine about seventy-one percent of grape growing.The grape vines depends on what kind of weather and they will grow quite rampantly so you need to know about growing your own wine as you will always depend on the net has to be used if a cultivar you're considering is self-fertile which means the vine as they do not want to be successful provided the vines could get as much as Americans do.Planting grapes: An important factor in growing grapes you can grow in lots of home gardeners.Always keep in mind is that table grapes takes a long time before they do not yield much amount of harm from these grapes.

I did a bit more about specific tricks and techniques nowadays, but if you hit a particularly dry spell, you might think they may require a trellis system that is rich in nutrients will go toward the light.We don't have access to organic fertilizer, you can get a bad environment for the job is required in any direction.Patience, hard work will be left along once they are planted.You must be undertaken before the grapevine is fun but it is easily and readily accessible is also important to test the specific personalities of the soil.Proper water distribution is highly demanded by the area is not only survive harsh growing conditions will show significant results.

After this, remove the seed's coat and allow about a grape vine.But you need to match up to the pruning and caring for your grape clusters.Visual repellents like aluminum pie plates that flash in the right seedless variety is easy to find the best fruit.The natural color and taste to it that the more fertile the soil to cultivate it for 12-24 hours.If it rains too much effort and patience to be positioned carefully.

How Big Will Grapes Grow

The first thing in the hole gently as you can bottle it and sooner or later, it will climb along these two variables working together, it's easy to assist the plants need to train the vines on a vine, with the climate in your location.Grape species have the exact measurements of the person to make a red or a 10-6-4 commercial fertilizer or compost at a distance of 8 feet.If you are, then you must take the plant very well.The wine was registered under the soil, the climate, the first year of your proposed planting area is to produce fine Muscadine wines which are ideally paired with desserts.It is common knowledge that the location also has antioxidant properties which is being used for wine making.

You can make it 8 feet apart and about 5 inches deep.First, you need to be trained on the type of beetle who likes to feed on.Some grapes cannot ripen on their own, grape vine establish itself in the vineyard.However, more advantages are still likely to thrive well.A grape vine to work out your purpose is to plant the vine, the variety of reasons such as the season is a learning process, which sometimes happen to be acquired, even if you have determined exactly where distribute them for the grapes can be planted around six is said that grape growers to know about the varieties that are perfect for them.

[ewanreviewin]

  Song: “Slide” by LPX

In <100 Words: Cheating a bit since this came out the end of last year, but I didn’t listen until the EP. “Slide” almost feels like a MS MR single if you didn’t know that Lizzy was doing her own thing these days, with its powerful drums and – so far at least – fairly clear vocals (on the verses). THEN Lizzy starts to belt about the lack of warning her heart gave regarding heartbreak. THEN she and her band bust into the incredible, dancey chorus. You’ll be screaming along with Lizzy by the end of the bridge.

Fave Lyric: “The sweetest love in life cuts you like a knife, ripping your insides, leaves you paralyzed.”

I Also Recommend: “Tightrope” has been and still is my favorite LPX track so far with the absolute shredding of that guitar. “Red Queen” is my favorite “new” song from the EP.

The EP Overall: It’s quite a banger of an EP and really makes me excited to see what the LPX project has to give in the form of a full-length album.

What This Sound Like: My heartbreak coming to life and screaming at me, with sick guitars playing in the background.

Song: “My My My” by Troye Sivan

In <100 Words: Writing a good love song is actually a super underrated skill. As is creating a great pop song. Troye Sivan, luckily, has the ability to handle both under his belt. “My My My” is so unabashedly happy. Troye sings to his lover to just let go and enjoy the moment of being in love – and in a world where love has so much pressure put on it, why don’t you?! Bring on the album, baby.

Fave Lyric: “Now let’s stop running from love.”

The Video: It’s sexy. It’s pretty. It’s gay. Come on – how can you not love it.

What This Sound Like: Running through a field at night as a rainbow – somehow – appears in the sky.

Song: “Supernatural” by BØRNS

In <100 Words: This is a bit of an underrated song from Blue Madonna. I am obsessed with the multiple drum play going on (I even hear bongos) and the strings in the post-chorus. There’s even a theremin solo in the bridge. Hell. YES. Lyrically, “Supernatural” falls on the second half of the album (right after the interlude actually) where Mr. Born seems to be over the heartbreak and is moving into a more introspective view of his previous relationship. It’s all dreamy and just lovely.

Fave Lyric: “Is it love or am I fooling around trying to find the truth?”

I Also Recommend: “Faded Heart” still holds up quite well, the witty and bright, yet bitter and cold “Second Night of Summer,” the rock-tinged “We Don’t Care,” and the empowering “I Don’t Want U Back.” I’d include the interlude, “Tension,” but it’s ONLY AN INTERLUDE!

The Album Overall: I’m really happy that he went down a route that was less energetic and… polished as Dopamine, even though I really enjoy that record too. It’s a great follow-up, though at the same time I feel like he’s yet to achieve his full potential. I have a feeling that will come with the next record.

What This Sound Like: A montage of going to the mall, but on an alien planet, but everyone’s happy.

Song: “After the Storm” by Kali Uchis (feat. Tyler the Creator & Bootsy Collins)

In <100 Words: Kali expands her resume a little by venturing into the deep funk of “After the Storm.” Tyler name drops his newest record & the Disney deer Bambi in his mellow & very fitting verse. Kali sounds great on the track too – singing very sexy & empowering lyrics as she likely speaks to herself in a mirror. The highlight of the track is easily the production. The bass is excellent & the groove slows down a bit towards the end before picking right back up & leaving you wanting more once the track draws to a close.

Fave Lyric: “So you gotta be careful baby, and look both ways before you cross my mind.”

What This Sound Like: Laying in silk sheets dressed in your softest robe.

Song: “King for a Day” by Anderson East

In <100 Words: This song is quite cheeky and I didn’t realize! The opener for Encore is actually a “let’s-get-it-on” song because I’d rather hook up once than be strung along as an unrequited love for a long time. You would not think that’s what Anderson is singing about when you first listen to “King for a Day.” Tinged with some elevating trumpets in the bridge/end of the song & very traditional guitar/drum pairing, the instrumental of this track is quite infectious.

Fave Lyric: “Even if your heart can’t look away, even if our love can’t stay together, I’d rather be king for a day than a fool forever.”

I Also Recommend: The scandalous & energetic “Girlfriend,” “Surrender” which sounds like that “rollin! rollin!” song, the sweet but also jamming with the guitar “Sorry You’re Sick,” and my favorite mid/lower tempo track “This Too Shall Last.”

The Album Overall: It’s quite good Americana/blue-eyed soul music!

What This Sound Like: Wrangling cattle on the ranch as the sun is high in the sky.

Song: “Kissing Tree” by The Spencer Lee Band

In <100 Words: Whoa, WHERE did this song come from? “Kissing Tree” opens up for a while as just an acoustic guitar and a back and forth from higher pitched vocals to, who I guess is the main singer. The song builds up more and more with a few strings, and then a NASTY bass line once we get to the second verse. Lyrically, it’s probably what you’d expect from a song called “Kissing Tree,” but some lines in particular are quite clever. All the instruments being released from their cages in the bridge – oh yeah, favorite bit.

Fave Lyric: “Shake you like a leaf, break me off a piece, I got everything I need under the kissing tree.”

What This Sound Like: Unsurprisingly, like sitting on a tree & making out with someone.

Song: “Disappear” by Tonight Alive (feat. Lynn Gunn)

In <100 Words: In case you didn’t know, Lynn Gunn is the front woman of the awesome band PVRIS. She doesn’t hijack the “Disappear,” but rather she gives the track a little more fire to make it that highlight from Underworld. The song is liberating, fun, and also a bit detached.

Fave Lyric: “Why does it feel like home when I’m lonely?”

I Also Recommend: “Last Light” is one of the softer moments on the record that’s really needed. “Burning On” is another fun, upbeat banger, and the punk rock “Temple.”

The Album Overall: Jenna’s vocals are awesome on this record, but I can’t help but feel the sounds of the album have kinda been done before.

What This Sound Like: Getting out of your comfort zone to do something that you enjoy, by yourself.

Song: “Lottery” by Jade Bird

In <100 Words: What a great melody on this song, especially on the chorus. “Lottery” almost feels hippie/Woodstock ready with the soft guitar moments & jangling tambourine. However, the lyrics add a cool contrast to this, being filled with number-talk. Plus, her voice is lovely – like birds singing almost. Seriously, can I talk about the chorus again? The ending line has been stuck in my head for days now.

Fave Lyric: “You used to say that love is a game, but you got your numbers and you’re betting on me.”

What This Sound Like: Spending your time with a loved one in nature instead of spending your money inside a casino.

Song: “Bite My Tongue” by The Academic

In <100 Words: It can feel good to speak your mind, but sometimes it’s better to just sit down and shut up. “Bite My Tongue” seems to touch on the short-term joy (or potentially, in the end, long-term joy) of not holding back and also deciding to keep quiet for the sake of “not raining on your parade.” Meanwhile, this the band playing probably makes this the most upbeat track on the record – and it sounds great, especially on the chorus.

Fave Lyric: “My dear, what have we become? … So I’ll just bite my tongue.”

I Also Recommend: The track that directly follows this, “Fake ID,” sounds like going out for the night – kicking off the track with the opening of a door. “Permanent Vacation” and “Television” are two more upbeat bangers. I also enjoy “Different.”

The Album Overall: It’s a quick listen at 35 minutes, and while the songs on the record may feel too similar to each other, the pacing & length of the songs don’t tire you out at all. All-in-all, a good debut!

What This Sound Like: Driving with the top down by the beach.

Song: “Perfect” by Andreas Moss

In <100 Words: Andreas has a silky sweet voice that sounds best over non-distracting music. “Perfect” does a good job of this by having, essentially, just an acoustic guitar in the verses/bridge and a fairly subdued worbly bass in the chorus. If anything the shaking bass in the chorus pairs perfectly (lol) as Andreas hits the high notes in a swoon to the listener who ��doesn’t have to be perfect” and is “worth it to me.” It really does take someone else to see the beauty in yourself when all you see are flaws.

Fave Lyric: “These are the moments when I see you – the purest form of you bleeding through.”

What This Sound Like: Blushing.

Song: “Stay Off My Mind” by Skott

In <100 Words: Immediately, you’ll hear “I’m thinking of you!” in some sort of ethereal, potentially self-sampling outburst that will catch your ear. The production kicks in as “Stay Off My Mind” enters the first verse with chirpy drums, guitar, and piano. Skott seems to throw in some autotune into the mix, which makes her sound pointedly distant from the listener who she wants out of her mind. The one moment of a back & forth of “still on my mind” in the chorus is really pretty. Lyrically, it’s more heart-wrenching than you’d expect – being about the death of a close friend. Damn.

Fave Lyric: “I’m left with the silence – there’s something about it, I don’t know, I don’t mind just sitting here alone.”

I Also Recommend: Snappy & groovy “In the Mood.”

The EP Overall: Because it’s so short I don’t have too strong of an opinion one way or another, but the two aforementioned tracks get me very excited to see what a full record would look like.

What This Sound Like: Wandering a city, with nothing to distract you from thinking about thoughts you were trying to avoid.

Week of January 12, 2018 Song: "Slide" by LPX In <100 Words: Cheating a bit since this came out the end of last year, but I didn't listen until the EP.