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mayihavethisdanse · 4 years ago

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“What is this, the Dark Ages?”

Or, Arthurian themes and allusions in the Brotherhood of Steel mythos as seen in Fallout 4. (But that’s a lot of words.)

Yep. We're doing this.

First, some obligatory caveats: there is no single Arthurian canon, just 1500 years of assorted fanfic based on the whims of whoever was writing at the time. For this extremely highbrow Tumblr meta, I have ignored most of it and drawn on my favorites. Also Wikipedia.

Also, I am not an expert in Arthurian literature (or Fallout lore, come to that), and I preemptively beg the pardon of anyone who is.

Finally, in no way am I claiming that all these parallels and thematic echoes are deliberate or even significant. In fact, I'd break it down into:

Clearly deliberate allusions, whether in or out of universe;

Probably coincidence, but could be someone deliberately capitalizing on a coincidental similarity;

Almost certainly coincidence, but fun to speculate about; annnnd

Blatant Monty Python references. (Because of course there are.)

I'll start with the big one.

Arthur Maxson, boy king and unifier

(source)

So across all the retellings and variations of King Arthur’s life story, there are a few consistent elements, particularly in his early life and rise to power. Some of these threads are echoed in the Fallout universe, specifically (and unsurprisingly) in the person of Arthur Maxson.

Both the legendary King Arthur and Arthur Maxson were born with a claim to power lying in their ancestry, both were fostered away from their families, and both proved themselves in combat at a young age.

King Arthur united the warring kingdoms of Britain into a single entity, making them stronger against outsiders and receiving general admiration and acclaim. Arthur Maxson united the divided factions of the BoS after the events of Fallout 3 and is held in similarly high regard by his men.

The name Prydwen is a reference to the ship of the original King Arthur. Presumably, Arthur Maxson (or someone in the BoS who anticipated his promotion) christened the airship in a deliberate homage to the Arthurian myth.

King Arthur is associated with his legendary sword. I think it’s notable that Maxson’s legend is associated with a bladed weapon, too. ("He killed a DEATHCLAW with a COMBAT KNIFE!”)

Probably coincidence, but fun: the historical emperor Magnus Maximus, who pops up a lot in early Arthurian legend, was known in Welsh as... Macsen. (⌐■_■)

Round Table, but make it dieselpunk

(Continued under the cut.)

Moving away from obvious allusions and into some looser parallels:

Like the Round Table, the Brotherhood is an exclusive knightly order with its leader being the one able to open it up to his chosen few.

Like the Round Table, the BoS sees itself as defending human civilization against forces of chaos. (I’ll touch on their tech-hoarding tendencies when I get to the Grail stuff.) This idea of civilization in the face of chaos goes back to the BoS’s founding, even though the level of isolationism we see in most of the Fallout franchise is not exactly what founder Roger Maxson had in mind: “Notably, Maxson's ultimate intention was to establish the Brotherhood as an organization that works closely with people outside of the Brotherhood, as guardians of civilizations, not its gatekeepers.” (source) In a lot of ways, Arthur Maxson represents a return to his ancestor’s original ideals.

Renegade knights? Internal politics? Traitors within? We gotchu.

In both the medieval legends and in all chapters of the BoS we’ve seen, there’s a big focus on bloodlines (ew). Ironically, it’s probably Arthur Maxson’s unquestionable ancestry that allows him to be more progressive than either of his East Coast predecessors when it comes to boosting Brotherhood numbers by recruitment (even though you can still see a clear division between “born Brotherhood” and recruited soldiers, but that’s a topic for another day). Maxson sees himself as an Elder who "cares for the people"—however misguided and patronizing that attitude might be—and whatever else you might say about the guy, you can't say he doesn't believe he has a duty. Which brings us to…

Know Your Enemy: Danse as Gawain

Before I start this section, an acknowledgement of authorial bias:

Gawain, as portrayed in the Middle English poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, is my very favorite of King Arthur’s knights. (Other stories aren't always as flattering, but like I said at the outset: I'm sticking to the ones I like.)

That poem is my very favorite piece of medieval Arthurian literature. In this section, I'll refer to the modern English translation by Simon Armitage.

...that’s it, I have no other biases to disclose.

What? 👀

(Art: Clive Hicks-Jenkins)

All right. So in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, you’ve got this himbo loyal knight of Arthur’s who finds himself caught up in... you know what, let me just paste in the Wikipedia summary. (The Toast, RIP, also did a pretty entertaining and more-or-less accurate recap.)

It describes how Sir Gawain, a knight of King Arthur's Round Table, accepts a challenge from a mysterious "Green Knight" who dares any knight to strike him with his axe if he will take a return blow in a year and a day. Gawain accepts and beheads him with his blow, at which the Green Knight stands up, picks up his head and reminds Gawain of the appointed time. In his struggles to keep his bargain, Gawain demonstrates chivalry and loyalty until his honour is called into question by a test involving the lord and the lady of the castle where he is a guest.

Don’t worry too much about the plot details, though; for this post, I’m more interested in the thematic parallels. The Green Knight story is full of contrasts: order vs. chaos, civilization vs. wilderness, mortal man vs. Other... but let’s start with Gawain himself.

Some stuff to know about Gawain:

He was "as good as the purest gold, devoid of vices but virtuous and loyal". Gawain took his principles more seriously even than the rest of Arthur’s knights, not out of pride but out of humility: "I would rather drop dead than default from duty," he says.

He’s faithful and honorable and never even tempted to betray an oath, even when offered every variety of seduction and riches, except for a single moment of weakness in a desperate desire not to be executed for random shit by powerful forces for reasons he doesn't understand.

Even though he doesn’t really understand why he needs to die, he sticks to his oath. Gawain's one weakness is a moment of desperate, private, human desire for survival. He'll submit to the headsman’s axe if he has to, but he'd still rather live.

Above all, Gawain is the ideal of a human man: he might be the bravest and loyal man there is, but he’s still fundamentally human.

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

A few more fun facts about Gawain that resonate with Paladin Danse’s story:

He’s got a bunch of really shitty brothers. (No comment.)

Gawain (SPOILERS!) doesn't actually end up beheaded, but he does willingly kneel for his execution and gets a cut on the throat as a reminder of his sin. And, uh, Danse can also get his throat cut! It doesn’t end as nicely but it’s, you know, a thing that can happen.

Gawain might be a really good guy, and he tries really hard to be one, but in the end he’s nothing more than that: there’s nothing supernatural about him, he has no special powers beyond his own principles and devotion. He’s just a dude doing his Best.

Wait, why not Danselot?

Oh, that guy? Here’s the thing.

Lancelot personifies the continental ideals of courtly love that became popular in the High Middle Ages. Central to his story is the prioritization of personal relationships and romantic feelings in a way that you don’t really see in Gawain's, at least in the Green Knight tale. (Later stories hook Gawain up with an extremely delightful lady, but even that is a different flavor of romance than Lancelot's and has more to do with Gawain honoring his word and his egalitarian treatment of women (hell yeah). In the poem, Gawain is impressed by Bertilak's wife but resists her temptation; in fact, the biggest risk is not that he'll yield to her advances but that he'll be discourteous to her, i.e., violate his principles and cause dishonor to his king and his host.)

Lancelot is driven by passions over principles in a way that Gawain never really is (at least in the stories I’m talking about; later writers have committed character assassination to various degrees). Yes, you could argue that both Gawain and Lancelot betray their oaths, but Lancelot’s betrayal is never, um, blind. He knows what he’s doing and makes a deliberate choice to prioritize his love for the queen over his love for the king. It doesn’t make him a bad guy—he too is an ideal knight with one fatal flaw—but his character isn’t as comparable to Paladin Danse.

Yeah, Gawain is (in most stories) a prince and a kinsman of Arthur’s, but he’s ultimately a native boy who doesn’t break the mold of a Knight of the Round Table. Likewise, Danse is portrayed as competent and valuable to the BoS, but not exceptional or breaking the mold of what a BoS soldier should be: he simply represents the ideal. Meanwhile, Lancelot is a foreign prince who was marked from childhood as special and fancy, and his storyline goes alllll over the place. (Much like this post.)

For example, Lancelot goes to absolutely absurd extremes to prove his devotion for no other reason than to prove it. (“I’ll do any useless humiliating thing you want. I’ll betray every oath except the one I made to you. That’s what love is!”) Gawain would never. Danse would never.

Ultimately, Gawain's tests are of his character and not of his love. And like Gawain, Danse’s devotion is to service and his principles, not to another person—even Arthur Maxson.

All that said, there are some similarities: both are beloved by Arthur, both are held up as the ideal of what a knight should be. And even if their fatal flaws are different, both make the point that no matter how good and brave and loyal they might be, no human being can be perfect.

(Except Galahad. Who is, as a result, very boring.)

I’ll conclude this section with a quote from someone else’s take on the Greek Knight poem:

I like Gawain. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying his best which is all any of us can do. He’s not like the other knights in the Arthurian legends who occasionally ‘accidentally’ kill women on their little adventures and then feel hard done by when they have to deal with the consequences of that. Gawain holds himself to a high standard – higher, it seems, than Arthur and his knights hold him to considering how hard they laugh when Gawain tells them how bad he feels about the whole thing.

I think Gawain is very relatable in this story. We all want to be better than we actually are.

And that, more than anything else, is Danse.

The Grail myth

What’s that? Lost relics of power? Better send some large armed men after ‘em!

The parallels to the BoS’s tech-hoarding ways are obvious enough that the games themselves lampshade them (albeit by way of Monty Python). But it also ties into the larger themes of “purity” versus “corruption” and the BoS’s self-image as a bastion between civilization and chaos. (See Maxson's line in response to the Sole Survivor’s quip about the Dark Ages: “Judging from the state of the world, it wouldn't be a stretch to say we're living in that era again.”)

But the ultimate futility of the Grail mission is also worthy of note. The BoS might want the power of prewar tech on their side, but they’re no more to be trusted with it than any other group of human beings. No matter how they try, the “corruption” of humanity can’t be overcome as long as they’re striving to harness power for their own ends. You can only achieve power by surrendering control of it.

The death of Arthur

The nature of gameplay being what it is, it's not guaranteed that the Arthur figure will be fatally betrayed, bringing Camelot down with him—but it's not unlikely, either.

Awkward.

Some final spitballing:

Outside the Brotherhood, there are some fun parallels of the Arthur myth with the rest of Fallout 4. Betrayal by one’s own son, for example.

The key difference between the BoS and the legendary Round Table: King Arthur’s knights, for all their flaws and human weaknesses, are usually presented as unambiguous Good Guys. The BoS is... a little more ambiguous...

...but damn if they don’t think they're the good guys.

A-ad victoriam, fellas!

#fallout #fallout 4 #brotherhood of steel #arthur maxson #paladin danse #sir gawain and the green knight #sir gawain #gawain #knights of the round table #king arthur #elder maxson #fallout 3 #fallout lore #maxson #roger maxson #look mom I did a meta

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jq37 · 3 years ago

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The Report Card – Fantasy High: The Seven Ep 4

Horse Girls Unite!

OK Y’all, here’s the deal. This is a battle episode. Picking up where we left off from last week, the girls are racing to the inside of the temple on their magical horses, chased by a veritable hoard of strange, leafy harpies and hybrid, teleporting monstrosities.

It’s a pretty straightforward setup with not a lot of plot relevant shakeups so rather than a play by play I am going to give you a highlight reel as the Seven make it to safety. Because of this, there won’t be a separate additional notes section. It’ll all just run together like my OG recap posts. Let’s go!

“Just as Gandalf said, get to the chopper!” and “Come with me if you want to live you fools” are tied for funniest LOTR/Arnold mashups from the top of the episode.

“Sam is a top--” Everyone loses their minds before the sentence is finished.

Sam makes her horse, Taffodil, fly and then gets knocked out of the air shortly after (Penny casting Featherfall to save her), which means she spends a good deal of this episode aesthetically falling as Claire de Lune plays in the background. She looks Nat 20 hot while falling and that is not me being cute, she rolled for it and that was the result.

Katja on her socials re the above: Friend is dying #dying.

You simply love to have a DM in the party (Aabria) who knows the rules and can rules lawyer for the team. As they said in game, “Come through Aabria!”

Sam, falling to her death, recently hit by one of Ostentatia’s rings which woke her up, helping to save her life: I feel like I got hit by something very expensive...no, cheap!

Ostentatia: Go back to sleep you BITCH!

As she’s falling to her death, Sam is told they posted pics of falling online which are going viral and she asks, “What are the comments like?” to which Ant says, “Bitch you are still technically dying!”

Danielle does another beastly 64 points of goose damage in one go which I think must be acknowledged.

Rekha, of course, talks Brennan into letting her jump from Cinnamon to one of the beasts and grab a barbed tentacle to attack itself with because a tentacle barb, as we know, is basically like a brush and this all makes total sense. If you have any questions about this totally normal sequence of events, I don’t know what to tell you.

She asks if she can stick the tentacle in the king beast’s ass and Erika does an IRL spit take.

Sam (once she’s no longer falling) uses a magic item she has (a harp) to enthrall some of the monsters, including the king beast (w/ the extra help of the Suggestion spell), taking some major heat off of the others. Then Ostentatia straight up banishes him (“Arrivederci”), taking the second most dangerous enemy off the field completely!

When O banishes him, she sees a vision of his soul getting sucked into a forge which may be plot relevant seeing as her got is forge related and usually doesn’t talk to people but we shall see.

So previously, Penny got snatched up by a harpy and flown away. And Becca describes her plan as a “Rekha level idea” Said plan is to make an illusion of the Harpy Queen so the underling harpy will give her over but everyone misinterprets this to mean she wants to make a copy of the harpy who is already holding her and being D20 fans, the people at the table are like, “No, no, no that’s not a REKHA level idea you are going FULL Emily Axford here.”

This plan works by the way. Penny gets a 6 in being convincing but the Harpy rolls a 6 with a minus 1. D&D. Best game ever.

Danielle gets the last hit on the Harpy Queen, getting her down with a mite Infestation which is exactly the 24 HP she has left. Supremely gross but effective! The bugs eat her leaf wings and she fully dissolves.

Katja and Antiope go way back and Katja made her read all the Babysitter Horse books too which is adorable. Where is my art of baby Ant and Kat?

Once she’s close enough, O casts Animate Object on the statute of one of the dwarven heroes (who is clean shaven like her) which starts absolutely wrecking house. What a use of Animate Object!

And, of course, all the girls make it in safe! Like I said, fun but not lots of plot.

There is apparently a band called Stone Temple Pilots which I didn’t know which means this ep title is a pun and the more you know.

Ant, Sam, Penny, and a non-Zelda NPC all roll 1 nat 20 apiece. Kat and Sam each roll a Nat 1. Penny does also but she gets to reroll it.

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #the seven #the seven spoilers #I'm probably going to do battle episodes like this unless they're really wild/plot relevant/in a plot episode #bc play by plays are lots of detail with little narrative purpose most of the time #better watched than read ya feel?

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onedoodleaday · 4 years ago

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Review of 6 creative prompt books

Can't get enough prompts? I sure can't! I have a horrible urge to buy any and all books I see that have any sort of theme related to creative prompts, and I've amassed quite the collection over the years.

Today, I'm going to review some of them!

All of the following books are meant to be drawn in directly, which (at least ideally) makes them very satisfying to leaf through once you've worked in them for a while.

I will be making a separate post showcasing how I've personally used each book and link to it here, in case any if them pique your interest and you'd like to know more (coming soon!)

Books I am reviewing:

365 days of art by Lorna Scobie (⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️ Four out of five stars)

642 things to draw by chronicle books (⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ five out of five stars)

642 fashion things to draw by Chronicle Books (⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️▪️ Three out of five stars)

Doodle a day by Chris Riddell (⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️▪️ three out of five stars)

Hirameki: Draw what you see by Peng and Hu (⭐️⭐️▪️▪️▪️ two out of five stars)

Illistration by Jaime Zollars (⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️ four out of five stars)

Warning: this is a very long post

365 days of art

By Lorna Scobie

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️ Four out of five stars

What I like about it:

There's a great variety of prompts in this one. The prompts are mostly simple and straightforward, with space for doing your own thing. Most of the exercises also happen to appeal to me personally.

The prompts are designed for being able to be completed quite quickly, which makes them very accessible for me, and of course, you can get more elaborate with them if you have the time and energy (I've spent the last five days adding details to fish, just because I wanted to).

The author uses the foreword to encourage you to use the book in whatever way you personally find the most fun, which I appreciate.

Most of the prompts feel like they're focusing on practice rather than results, which means it's open for all skill levels to enjoy.

Criticism:

While I do hold that this book can work for artists of all skill levels, it does have prompts that are meant to teach you something, and while I like some of them, there are some that feel targeted towards either less experienced artists, or artists who has, or strives towards, a similar art style to that of the author. A couple of times, I have felt that my art style did not match the exercise set up, and while I still managed to have fun with them, I did wish there were more space for (in my case) a more realistic art style.

On a similar note, there are sections geared towards calligraphy, and they start at the very basics. While I personally am a beginner, I can imagine that someone with experience would find these bits both boring and redundant.

I will also mention that the book does encourage the use of different kinds of media, so you either have to be ready to break out some different tools or bend the prompts a bit if all you have is a pencil.

Recommended for beginner and intermediate artists, people who really like prompt books. Good for a little bit of daily practice with many different styles of art. Good for people who like patterns and colours in their art.

Recommended tools: brush pen, water-based paint, coloured pencils

642 things to draw

By chronicle books

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ five out of five stars

Of all the prompt books I have, this is my favorite. Hands down.

What I like about it:

This book is just prompts. No hand-holding, no presets for what to do with it, they just give you something to draw and you go from there. All you need is a pencil and your imagination. There are both straightforward prompts (a bottle opener, a spool of thread) and more abstract ones (girlish laughter, head in the clouds) and the variety means I usually find at least one prompt I want to do on each spread.

The differing sizes dedicated to each prompt make for a really fun and pleasing result.

I also appreciate that this book is completely open to all skill levels, as long as you're willing to give a go at drawing a lot of different things.

Criticism:

While I personally adore the to-the-point, straightforward prompts, I do acknowledge that, unless you enjoy just drawing random objects, you're going to need to add some creativity on your own, in how you incorporate the prompts. I personally like adding either character interaction or to use the object as part of a scene, especially for the things I don't find super visually interesting on their own. I personally enjoy the level of thinking, but I'm sure there are people who don't.

I also don't know if I would have enjoyed it as much when I was just starting out. I’ve always been quite result-based with my art, and while I think using reference to draw all the different things in the book would be an amazing skill-building exercise, it also sounds like a lot of work.

There are also a handful of pop culture references and prompts for famous people, which I personally prefer to avoid, because those are often based on social knowledge and interest, of which I personally have neither.

Recommended for artists of all skill levels, people who either have a big visual library or would like to build one. Recommended for people who like to draw a lot of different things.

Recommended materials: anything! Can be used with just a pencil

642 fashion things to draw

By Chronicle Books

⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️▪�� Three out of five stars

This one was actually my first prompt book ever! The start of a hoard, one might say.

What I like about it:

This one is another one by Chronicle Books, in the same series. This one is really fun if you like drawing clothes, and/or your art is character oriented. Of all my prompt books, this one has the best potential for fanart, in my opinion. If you like drawing people and characters, this book is really fun

Criticism:

This one is, quite understandably, more specific. If you like drawing clothes, this one is ideal. If you don't ... don't pick this one.

I was close to giving this one four stars, but I will withdraw a star for being very specifically tailored to one subject -- this could be a five star book for some people and a one-star for others.

Another thing I want to mention is that this book gets specific. I have to look up what about a third of the prompts mean. I'm okay with that, but if you don't want to do research and don't already know what a jaquard blouse or peplum waist skirt or houndstooth is, this is not the book for you.

Lastly, it has a good handful of both pop culture references and references to different brands, which is kind of alienating to me personally. It also assumes that you yourself care about your own clothes to some extent. And that you have at least one father and one mother. Who got married at some point. And your mom wore a wedding dress. Things like that.

Also my copy is from 2013 and let's just say some of the references have aged very poorly. ("D*nald Tr*mp power suit" being a very notable example. I drew him impaled on a stick. Which was satisfying. But it was very much an act of rebellion so keep it in mind)

Recommended for anyone who likes drawing clothes and the people wearing them, who are also willing to put up with a certain amount of heteronormativity in their prompt books. Some skill level will probably make the book more enjoyable. Clothes are hard.

Recommended materials: Anything! You can use this one with just a pencil

Doodle a day

By Chris Riddell

⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️▪️ three out of five stars

(Note: I own a translated version of the book; this is the danish cover)

Before we start, I would like to note that this book's target demographic is children. I’m not a children, I just thought it looked fun. And I was right! But do keep it in mind.

What I like about it:

This one doesn't take itself too seriously. Which means that in places, it gets wacky. And I appreciate that. It expects a child's untamed creativity and wish to go along with whatever.

A lot of the prompts are really fun and inspiring for me as an adult. There are a lot of "complete this drawing" sort of things that get me to draw things I don't usually draw.

It's nice to see a book geared towards children that dares to have a very detailed and complex art style. Whether you personally like Chris Riddell's art style is very subjective, but he's good at what he does.

Criticism:

You have to enjoy drawing along with what the author enjoys. We're talking robots and fairy tales and dancing bears. This book has less room for letting you steer the prompts in a direction that you personally like, which is good if you like to be told exactly what to draw. It is less good if, like me, you prefer your prompt-based art to have space for a lot of your own creativity and preferences.

I've personally marked down the prompts I want to do with tape, and I'm planning to just plain skip the rest. This means about two thirds of the book that I'm just not planning on using. I'm okay with this! But I want to mention it.

The book also contains quite a lot of 'free days', which I always find disappointing. I came here specifically because I didn't want to make up my own stuff. Please. Tell me what to do, I beg of you.

I will also note that this book assumes that you have some sort of family that are present in your life to the point that you want to include them in your drawings, and that you have at least one friend who wants to partake in certain of the prompts.

It also assumes cultural Christianity, having prompts for easter and christmas and halloween and so forth, with no other holidays mentioned. It's a little uncomfortable.

Recommended for people who like silly prompts and are very adaptable in their art. Probably really good for younger kids? I was a weird child, so my point of view might be skewed. Decide for yourself if this book is worth getting for you or someone you know!

Recommended materials: something to draw with, and something to colour with.

Hirameki: Draw what you see

By Peng and Hu

⭐️⭐️▪️▪️▪️ two out of five stars

The classic exercise of using vague blobs and turning them into drawings

What's I like about it:

The concept is really good. The idea of having a whole book of printed blobs to turn into drawings is so fun and appealing to me, as someone who loves having things in books.

I really like that they have certain categories and themes, to make things a little different. I love the idea of having a theme for a whole page of blobs (turning everything on one page into birds, for example), and what made me get the book was specifically that they have pages with just the same blob ten times over, and the challenge is then to make them all into different things.

Criticism:

This book is the marketable brand flavor of prompt books, trying to be what mindful colouring books did, but with another concept, preferably in a way they can copyright.

They're clearly trying to make pattern-making into a marketable invention rather than something that has been around since, like, literal prehistoric times. This would be little more than annoying and could probably be ignored, if it wasn't for the fact that the blobs aren't even ... random.

The creativity is killed, because these blobs are clearly made to look like certain things. Which is the opposite of the point, of the shapes-in-randomness exercise. They don't do this with every page, but it is, like. More than half. The page dedicated to faces have defined noses and necks. There’s a beach themed spread and the crabs have defined pincers.

I had the most fun on the intro pages, where there were no prompts, because that was the place where the blobs were truly random. These were not meant to be drawn on! They were decorations! I just did it anyway!

This is branded to be something that will allow you to be creative, but in reality, it is actually just a different way of playing connect-the-dots. And there's nothing wrong with connect-the-dots, but I was advertised something else and I'm disappointed.

Also, this is personal pettiness, but if you're going to make a gimmick out of every prompt rhyming, you have to actually know how to rhyme. "Gadget" and "uplug it" do not rhyme! Not even by a stretch!

I cannot recommend this book. The idea is good, and some of the pages I did enjoy filling out, but I would have gotten more out of just grabbing a blank sketchbook and adding some ink blots to every page, then started from one end.

Recommended materials: They specifically say that you have to use a pen that’s either blue or black. I used a bright red one just to be a contrarian.

Illistration

By Jaime Zollars

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️▪️ four out of five stars

This one is a little different -- it is essentially a make-your-own-prompts book!

What I like about it:

This book appeals right to my need to be part of the process, even when drawing for prompts. Basically, this book is all about producing creative lists of things to draw, and then illustrating your favorites.

I love how the author talks you through their process of creating each individual list to suit their own preferences, and encourages you to do the same, to create prompts that appeal directly to you.

I also really appreciate that this book fully assumes that the reader is just as capable as the author. It wants to teach you something, sure, but it doesn't outright assume that you've got more or less experience than the author. They're teaching you one specific way of generating ideas and that's what matters. The author is confident, but humble. I like that.

Criticism:

Honestly, this is a wonderful book. I wouldn't change anything about it. The only reason I subtracted a star is because it falls a little bit outside the category of a prompt book. It's a five-star book for what it is, but if you're just here to be told what to draw without having to make stuff up on your own, this one is not for you.

I can't just pull this one out, open it up and start drawing -- using this book is a project. I have to do at least half of the work myself, if not more. And I personally have fun with that, but it has to be noted.

Recommended for artists of any skill level, who like to generate their own unique ideas. This is the one I would be most likely to recommend to a dedicated artist, or a professional.

Recommended materials: whatever you prefer to draw with, and something to write with.

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Thank you for reading!

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themoonwheniamlost · 4 years ago

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Okay. Here we go. A.K.A. I hurt myself and also I hate it here.

So out of everything that decided to come for my neck yesterday, (Superman Yusuf, Dance AU, Boopley/Coper, ect.)

Book of the Nile won because of these posts, (x), (X), (X), (x)

So here’s this One-shot so that I can move on with my life and finish my other fics!

There is a NSFW section in between the asterisks. ***

So she works at him. They spend days pouring over new technologies, better ways to case targets, and hide resources. Days where they drink nothing but tea because his hands are shaking for a bottle but she reminds him how proud she is of him. Days where they talk about family and trying to find a place to stay after losing everything. They talk about these things with the whole team of course. But sometimes. Sometimes they are just Nile and Sebastièn. Talking on the couch at 3 am, knees brushing, eyes soft.

The first thing Nile notices is how he watches her. Booker’s eyes are heavy enough for her to feel them but he always turns away when she looks back. She wonders if he knows how young it makes him. He must have noticed the trembling feeling, the slight shift in the air when they share the same space. But neither of them is ready. So they wait.

They wait and it takes years. She has to push him on almost everything. They talk about how he has to stop calling her a kid, how she’s there for him just like the rest of their team, their family. He’s gotten better, he’s done some healing, but orbiting around JoeandNicky, QuynhandAndy can hurt sometimes. Whether that hurt is envy or remorse, she doesn’t always know. But if Nile knows about anything its dedication.

The change comes when they start to talk about purpose, belonging. Nile talks about having to fight her entire life. Sebastièn tells her of fighting and fleeing. If he couldn’t save his sons, how can he save anyone else? Does he even deserve to? She feels like she abandoned her family. And no matter how much money she squirrels away to them it will never be enough. She won’t ever be with them again. They cry together, and nothing else is said. Because some grief you cannot get over you just get used to living with.

Nile tries to show him that they have a family to lean on. Here and now, his grief isn’t a weakness and he doesn’t have to hide it. Nile and Andy take bets on when Nicky will finally be able to talk to Booker, Quynh mentions having seen Booker and Joe watching the game, but at intermission butting their heads together to talk and giggle like little boys. It’s good to see him growing.

Nile grows too. They train her all the time. About pressure points and poison and wrestling holds. Nile asks for a set of broadswords. The team all take turns teaching her something. This is not to say that she doesn’t miss her old life, but she is steady and reveling in the new one. She feels alive and ready to topple anything in her way.

Booker remembers that first conversation when Nile held her hand in the fire just to see what would happen. To test herself. He does not want to be another flame to her if all he does is rend her flesh. He thinks about keeping her warm, about the gold tones of her skin in the glow. He is trying to find out if he is worthy enough for such a treasure. If nothing else, surely he can tell her, in small ways at least, of the fire he sees in her, the fire she lights in him.

The energy between them changes, deepens after her thirtieth immortal birthday. They throw a seven-person party. They take a moment to be silent over the chair. And then they start passing each other fresh bread and warmer smiles. They all give her gifts. Nicky and Joe give her a pass to an art seminar she talked about. Andy and Quynh give her a new set of throwing daggers, and the promise that when she’s mastered them they’ll talk about the broad sword. Copley gives her a new drawing tablet and a better analog camera.

Booker gives her a tiny box the color of a blue robin egg.

The white letters “Tiffany” shock her. Inside is a rose gold locket, with pictures of her family. She sheds a few tears, he nods and they move on. Three bottles of wine and a ridiculous game of twister later, they all head to their rooms. Booker waits, clears the table, washes dishes, listens to make sure he is the last one there with her. He watches the line of her back for a moment, while she takes the gift out of its box.

“Will you help me put it on?” Nile is turning the locket over, holding the chain tight between her fingers.

He says nothing, just takes the chain from her hand, and drapes it around her neck. When it’s done he hooks a finger under her chin and moves her head back and forth.

“Just like I thought. It fits you,” he lets her go to take a step back. He does not expect her hug but finds that he cannot help but return it. He presses his nose into the hair at her temple, nuzzles there while she squeezes his ribs. She whispers, “Thank you.”

Sebastièn holds her closer and says, “Happy Birthday Queen.” It is thanks enough to hear her laugh.

Nile doesn’t know what she expected to happen, but it wasn’t this. Not this subtle dragging kindness. Sebastièn starts complimenting her, seemingly at random. It’s not new per se, he’s done it since the beginning really. But soon Nile notices that the compliments are different. Measured.

Sebastièn watches her, mumbles “I like it when you wear your hair that way.” Four days later she finds a small bag of gold beads for her braids.

She’s been working on an oil painting all week when he says quietly, “Your style is starting to stand out more. I like the theme of water that you use.” The next morning there are new bangles on her side table.

One time they are helping Nicky in the kitchen when she cuts herself. Booker puts her hand under the tap and says, “For the brain of this outfit you sure are clumsy.”

When she goes to bed that night there is a small antique ring on her pillow. Nile has questions. So the next day Nile does what she always does in these moments. She goes to Andy. A sparring session may be the wrong time to ask, but here they are.

Andy knocks her flat on her back and says, “No. Absolutely not, ask him about it and leave me out.”

Quynh laughs, “Nile the ring probably means something. Which means you should talk to Joe and Nicky.”

So she does. After dinner, she asks them to walk her to the plaza to paint. They share a look and start putting on their coats. As they walk through the town she mostly listens to them talk, too busy turning the problem over in her head to be really engaged. When they get to their favorite bench in the plaza, they sit down with her in between them.

“So are we going to keep talking about textile art? Or is our little sister ready to talk to us about love ah? About romance?”

“Amore we cannot tease her. At least not too much!” Nile pretends to slide off the bench while they laugh.

“This is why I always talk to Andy first!,” They kiss her cheeks and squeeze her arms. Joe says,

“You know Andy! She’s very old, and can’t die. So you can imagine the kind of stress she’s under.”

They laugh together, give her time to breathe with them. Then they listen to her. Nile talks about how it has always been different with Booker, how they watch each other so often. The early morning conversations. They trust each other now. Warmth is growing between them. So that’s why she worries about the gifts.

They’re beautiful! Yet she feels as if they are in the place of his affection rather than an extension of it. She asks her brothers why Booker thinks he has to buy her love? Does she seem that shallow? They tell her that isn’t the reason, that is more that Booker doesn’t think he can, or should, give her his affection. Which doesn’t make any sense so she just puts her hands out in frustration.

Joe seems to be stumbling around saying something. Nicky keeps frowning. Nile watches them have a silent conversation when suddenly Nicky goes very still and looks away from them. Eventually, he is the one who explains it to her.

“When you love someone… after you’ve done terrible things. After you’ve carried anger and bitterness inside of you for so long, you feel like you’ll break everything you touch. Like your hands aren’t worthy to hold your beloved, because you aren’t even worth the breaths you take. How dare you think to sully their beauty with your hands. The most expensive gift in the world is nothing in comparison to the worth of them in your life. So you don’t love them openly, You hoard your love, then try to show it anyway without putting yourself in the picture.”

Nile watches Nicky look out at the stars. She turns to see Joe looking right back at her. They nod. Nile stands and moves to the other side of Nicky and pushes him into Joe.

She opens her mouth to ask how Joe did it when she feels his hand on her head. She leans closer to them, turns into the arm Nicky holds around her, and listens.

“It may take a while,” Joe is patting her head softly while he speaks. “You will have to remind him that love is not earned, it is given. You will have to tell him that hurting himself hurts you. You will have to remind him that you make your own choices and that you’ve chosen him. You have to have faith that he knows you belong together. There is hope yet, and I do not think it will take you so long as us.”

“Why is that?”

“Because my darling river, the ring he gave you says *Adore.* And that is moving much faster than we ever did.”

She looks at them again. Watching the way they lean into each other. These men who have gone through so much together and still love so fiercely. She thinks of Sebastièn’s arms when he holds her, the way they can banter, the way it feels when he trusts her with his secrets. She thinks of how safe she is with him, how she trusts him. How long it’s taken them to get this far at all. She decides that its time to take the next step forward to their future.

Nile isn’t one to wait long once she’s made a decision. So the next morning when she comes down for breakfast, she is wearing every gift he has given her. Before he can say anything she slips away to the study, then passes him again to sit at the table next to Quynh.

She is constantly surprising him, this woman. He watches her come into the room and he probably stops breathing. She is beautiful, shining in pink and gold. He wishes for Joe’s skill in art so that he could capture the way she looks now. Sebastièn feels as if she is walking through the room with his lungs in her hands. She does not acknowledge him any differently than usual, she just says,

“Good morning Book.”

And what? What is he supposed to do? He never thought that she would truly acknowledge him this way. He’d hoped but… He is watching her move past the table when he catches Nicky’s eye. Watches him drag a thumb across his neck. Booker looks to Joe, but they can’t make eye contact without laughing. It’s not perfect, but it is something, and Booker will take what he can get.

After everyone disperses for the day, Quynh and Andy sit in the study with him. He hasn’t read a single word on the page open in his lap.

“Are you ready for this? Have you talked to her? Told her what you want?”

“Andy. I’ll take whatever she gives me and nothing more. I’m not sure that I’m not dreaming right now.”

Quynh, taking a drink from his cup says, “She told me about her plans. Get ready.”

Booker has no idea how to do that. Nile is the first person to make him want to be ready to live, not just yearn for death. He is a bit scared of her to be honest. But he has read enough books, studied the world long enough to remember that water leads to creation. He wants to know what she will make of him.

She figures the best way for him to know that he doesn’t have to buy her love, is for her to show him. So she starts to leave notes in the books he’s reading. The first thing she leaves him is Barter by Sara Teasdale.

“Spend all you have for loveliness, Buy it and never count the cost; For one white singing hour of peace, Count many a year of strife well lost, And for a breath of ecstasy, Give all you have been, or could be”

In return she finds Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XI in her jacket. From then on it is a game of truth or dare. Endless excerpts of Chaucer and Wilde. Nile leaves her annotated copies of Angelou, Baldwin and Dumas around the house. Laughs when she cannot find them again. There are so many words scattered and building between them, but they have spoken none of them aloud. It is a hovering cloud of sticky scared desire. She keeps playing the game anyway.

Booker wants to know her mind. So he steals her books and in their places leaves her more adornments and words from much better poets than he. A section of Milton and a silver anklet. A page of Naidu and a small jade necklace. He gives back her Angelou, but with a new gold cross inside. A book of Sappho, with pressed flowers. E. E. Cummings and a new set of paints.

He hopes that she knows what it means to him. The ability to read her. The things she says without moving her mouth. The way she will talk shop or sit in silence with him. They way she trusts him. He hopes she cannot see how much he follows her presence through the house.

Upping the stakes, Nile starts to touch him more and more often. She holds his wrist to pull him into the car. A hand on his shoulder as she leaves the table. Her favorite perfume just before she hugs him good night. She pretends not to notice how he turns his face into her neck, how he tenses and bends under her hands. No need to tell him that he folds for her like molding clay until their tenth anniversary. At least that’s the advice she gets from Quynh.

It is somewhat of a team effort, enfolding them together. A charade in small acts. Andy helps her find the books he still wants for their collection. Nile and Joe spend hours debating the virtues of different kinds of prose while they sketch and paint. It soothes a small ache in her heart when Nicky and Quynh snatch her away for midnight ice cream, reminds her of her little brother. Her new siblings give her lessons on how to tease your lover without showing your hand. Trading embarrassing stories about each other under the eyes of the night.

She plays the game for months, knowing that he needs time, eager to show him that she is a safe place to stay. Eventually she has to go shopping for a new jewelry case, and a new keepsake box.

They take a trip to the beach. She bought a new swimsuit just to see what he would say. He tells her,

“It is good to see you happy, Chèrie,” and presses a perfect conch shell into her hands. Now Nile is a patient woman, but even her will is tested when she watches him help a child who swims too far out to sea that day. She watches him hold the boy to his chest, listens to him soothe the boy with a quiet, “You are safe now Mon chou. No more tears hm? Look, here is your mother. Smile for her, mon ours.”

She wonders who this man thinks he is? Realizes that she thinks of him as hers. She watches him move past the shadow of sadness and return to their small portion of the beach. She realizes that she wants his first move to be towards her, always. She says none of this. Instead she tells him that she looks like a drowned rat. Hears him say,

“Better than looking like a boiled lobster, Chèrie.” To which they all look towards Nicky and laugh. Nile laughs even harder when Nicky just responds with a single finger. It is good to see her family together like this.

It is good. They are good. But she wants more than good. Nile wants more than this silent sharing of words between them. She might do something drastic if Sebastièn doesn’t say something soon.

They’re in the south of France when the tension breaks. She should have seen it coming actually. They’ve finished a quiet job, and everyone is a bit restless. It’s safe enough to stay in the city so they decide to go to the theatre. A lauded production of Antony and Cleopatra that Joe’s been raving about. When they step out of the car, Nile tries to tuck her hand into the crease of his elbow only to be sent to buy some wine before they’re seated. When she gets back the only one there is Booker.

He knows what they’re doing of course. Quynh whispers to him about courage, Joe says something about faith. Andy and Nicky nod. Then they leave. It is not that he doesn’t want to tell her, it is that he doesn’t want to hurt her. That he wouldn’t be able to stand losing her when he fucks it up. It fills him with heat and dread to see her coming near. The way she walks, the angle of her chin as she looks for them. The sharpness of her eyes as they settle on him.

He does not know what he will do if, when, he loses her. She deserves everything, how can he give her a shell of nothing? There are some days when he feels that he can work towards deserving her. Today is not one of those days.

Nile watches him tighten as she moves close. As they get to their seats, she sees him trying to sit in a chair a space away from her. Thankfully, another patron arrives and Booker is forced to sit next to her. She clenches her jaw and asks,

“Am I that scary, you don’t even want to sit next to me in a dark room?”

“You are that scary, dark room notwithstanding.” She moves to slap his arm but he catches her fingers in his. The curtains open. In act one Nile waits for him to interlock their fingers, and when he doesn’t, she moves to pull her hand away from his. Onstage, Cleopatra is awaiting word from Antony only to find that he has married Octavia when Sebastien grips her hand harder in his. They do not get up during intermission. They say nothing. But his hand is in hers and his thumb runs over the ring he gave her. Slow and again, his eyes dark in the dim light.

Egypt goes to war with Rome and he brings her hand up to kiss her wrist. Antony is dying, but all Nile can hear is her heart in her throat as she rests her head against his arm. Neither of them truly watches Cleopatra die of the serpents bite. Too busy sharing air and tracing patterns on each other’s forearms.

The air is tight between them as they leave the theatre. No big declaration. No long conversation about what they mean to each other. Instead, Nile is too busy laughing at what he says about the actor playing Caesar to worry about the rain starting to fall. They walk in the rain for a while before the droplets start to fall like pennies. Booker slips his arm around her waist to shuffle her under an awning. Trying to shield her face as best he can, he says,

“Mon étoile, why don’t you wait here while I-”

Their first kiss tastes like rain and softness. Nile grips the arm of his coat and the hair at his nape. He tightens his arm to pull her in tighter, she fits there like she fits into his bones, his spirit. The back of his coat is soaked in rain when he pulls back to clear his throat.

“Why don’t you stay here while I go get the car?”

“As long as you make it quick.” She is smirking at him now, rubbing the tips of her fingers down his neck. He nods. He is back with the car in three minutes.

***

Thankfully their path is free of immortals when they reach the house. This means that he can push her against the railing and steal his breath back from her. He is quietly proud that she is already making small sounds of want. He wants to hear pleasure out loud. So he carries her up the rest of the stairs and into her bedroom.

The first time they make love their skin is still damp from the rain. Sebastièn undresses her with his eyes as much as his hands. Spends aching moments feeling her skin under his fingers, studying her shape in the glow. He thinks of how fitting it is to lay her by the fireplace. To watch her skin under that same glow and to know that she burns for him.

He leaves her jewelry on. It prides him to see her warm and adored. He hears her say, ‘’Hurry up love!” So he doesn’t.

He takes her slowly. Long moments spent with his mouth on her breast, his scalp tight as she pulled his hair. He tries to cover her skin in his love. He kisses her jaw, her shoulders. He strokes her spine every chance he gets. His hands squeeze her hips, her waist, her ass. He feels her hands everywhere. She holds his biceps, his neck, his thighs. She kisses him like he stole the air from her lungs and he tries his best to breathe for her in every second.

When he moves down her body she tightens her thighs around him. He presses a hand under her knee. Moves to put her leg over his shoulder. He stops to bite her calf, to mold his mouth to her ankle. He lays his tongue against her heat until she cries. His tongue traces the words Adore, and L'amour across her lips until all he can taste is the honey she spills.

He runs his hands over every inch of her that he can reach, and when he’s sure she’s ready he moves his hips to her. Her mouth pressed up to his while he presses into her. He moves slowly to savor it, but cannot resist the heat of her around him. He is probably raining on her with his tears, but he feels her hands and her mouth on his face and knows that it doesn’t matter

Nile is sure that he would have bruises from her hands if they were anyone else. She listens to him whisper in French. Wonders if he knows that she understands when he calls her perfect. That she knows when he thanks her for gifting him a treasure. She rolls her hips into him, shifts their weight to push him flat on his back. She grins down at him and says that he belongs to her now.

They learn how to move together, not an instant tide. But instead a rhythm that they work for. They are both crying and laughing when the time comes. Her mouth against his neck and his hand rubbing circles against her heat. They lay there, chests heaving and limbs weak for…who knows how long. It could have been minutes, hours while she pushed his hair back and held him close. She would have laid there for days with his head against her breast. His mouth against hers. It is good, so they stay.

***

Two days after watching Antony die from love and hubris, she sees a gilded box from Chaumet at the foot of her bed. Nile opens the box first because she knows that the note is what he really has to say. She puts her newest gifts in her ears and meets him on the balcony.

She puts herself into his lap like she belongs there, because she does. He already has breakfast ready for her. Nile looks at the bowl of her favorite fruits, the still-warm egg, the cheese croissant on the table next to his. The first kiss of the day is lazy and long. His hand behind her neck and her nails in his shoulder. Long sweeps of his tongue against hers, a small bite at the corner of her mouth. Their kisses are easy like their laughter, and as patient as the day is long. She pulls back only to look in his eyes.

“Good morning love,” she runs her nose along his jaw. His answer shakes her into laughter.

“Good morning Queen,” In her mirth, he presses their heads together, buries his nose behind her ear, breathes in the scent of her. Nile has her hand on his chest, counting the beats of his heart next to hers. There is a bird on their railing, and Sebastian feeds her from his hands as she listens to the bird sing up the dawn. It’s beautiful how much love lies in what he does. She could listen to the song in his chest while the earth makes all its turns.

She knows that eventually they will have to face the rest of their family. Endure their teasing brothers and smirking sisters. There will be hugs and smiles and money exchanged. But right now? Right now she feeds him the taste of strawberries from her tongue. They have time.

There is an unopened note on her bedside table. Later, when they’ve said I love you and promised forever, this is the note she will come back to. A vow that he whispers to her on their journey across centuries. It reads;

Egypt, thou knew’ st too well, My heart was to thy rudder tied by the’ strings, And thou shouldst tow me after. O’er my spirit Thy full supremacy thou knew’ st, and that Thy beck might from the bidding of the gods, Command me. - You knew just as I, that I have always been yours.

Thanks for reading! If you liked it please lmk! My whole kingdom for the best cheerleader/beta/Bestie ever!!! @jesuisnilunnilautre Tysm my love.

I am currently working on my *Save the Ocean/Quynh* and *Fundie Nicky* fics… But after that, what should our next Book of Nile fic be? I made more moodboards. Do we like them? Also here’s the vibes playlist on Spotify.

#Book of Nile #come scream with me #I HATE it here #thanks so much @h-yb for PLANTING THIS IN MY BRAIN #don't touch me I'm upset #Making these moodboards HURT ME #Nile Freeman #sebastien le livre #the old guard #nile/booker #gifted #Moon writes

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painted-crow · 4 years ago

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Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 2

On what it’s like when I burn Bird secondary

Usually, when I burn either Bird secondary or Badger secondary model, they’re down for weeks or months at a time. I know they’ll come back, which isn’t always true of burned Houses in general but that’s just how mine work. Right now Bird is having a minor upset and it’s been out for a few weeks; it was about to come back when life stress happened and smacked it down again. This time I can predict that it’ll be back in maybe two weeks when everything’s settled down, but usually it’s not that tidy—I don’t always know why it’s having problems or what to do to get it to recover. Usually I just wait it out.

The burned state looks different for Bird vs Badger, of course. I’m probably going to struggle with writing the Badger side, either because I’ve forgotten the details of what it looks/feels like or because it’s actually simpler. I lean towards the “I’ve forgotten” angle. My memory is very bad during depressive periods. (You’d think this would leave my brain goblins fewer cringey memories with which to taunt me at 4am, but no.)

But that doesn’t matter right now because today we’re talking about Bird.

Tipoffs I’ve burned Bird

Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’ve burned one of your Houses. It doesn’t always have a clear start or end, and you might not notice the gradual slipping into exhaustion and lack of confidence in your House. Here are some things I catch myself doing or thinking when my Bird peaces out on me.

I start thinking I’m not good at things I’ve spent years studying.

I get a panicky feeling of resistance when I think about working on projects that wouldn’t normally give me problems.

I struggle with self-doubt about my ability to learn new skills.

This one’s complicated: the society I live in holds Bird up as the way it thinks intelligence should look. So, in burned-Bird!Paint’s mind, that makes it arrogant to assume that you're better at using Bird than others, because it suggests you think you're smarter (and thus better, because society says that too) than them. Therefore, if I’ve learned how to do something, my impulse is to assume that anyone could. Anything I’ve already learned is obviously easy, because I learned it, and so it isn’t rare or valuable.

Weird analysis paralysis cocktail: I feel perpetually unprepared to do stuff and too afraid to move forward, but I’ve also internalized the “you’re never going to feel ready so just start now” advice—which is supposed to spur you into action and probably works if you’re a Lion, but it just gives me something else to beat myself up about.

Sometimes Bird secondary starts feeling more like a toy than a tool that can actually be effective. If that's happening, using it feels kind of self-indulgent and not terribly useful--it seems good for entertainment, but not for anything else.

That last one is really fricking weird and it took me months to figure out what it was and put it into words. It’s obviously flawed—it’s circular logic sitting on top of societal prejudice—but when you’re depressed, the kind of clarity you need to verbalize and pick apart something that complicated is often nowhere to be found, especially when your perception in general is skewed due self-hatred.

I can’t do that “just start now” thing Lions do—it terrifies me. But that’s fine. Other people don’t casually pick up new skills or binge-read nonfiction or hoard resources like I do—maybe that’s intimidating to them—and that’s fine. Both approaches are useful and powerful, objectively, and philosophically I “should” be okay with owning my abilities. That’s harder than it looks on paper, though.

There’s one more.

The value of skills is subjective, circumstantial, and easy to underestimate.

I’m a jack-of-all-trades style Bird. Lots of things interest me. But every time you decide to invest in a new skill rather than continuing with an old one, you sort of start over. Not completely; some skills transfer and there’s a lot of value in having a range of knowledge, especially in terms of creativity.

Still, though: you enter each new field as a total noob, you stay long enough to become a kinda competent noob, and then when you’ve learned what you want and maybe built the thing you wanted to build, you leave. Rinse and repeat. Usually you don’t stay long enough to become super-skilled, and people in your community don’t specifically ask you for help.

…Until they need something other than the thing they specialize in, and you happen to know it. Suddenly you’re the expert in the room. You know how to get the project started. You know where to research, who to ask about advanced topics, what all the search keywords are, and where to find the supplies. Suddenly you're valuable, and maybe you're not used to feeling valuable. It can be kind of a jarring experience.

It's especially jarring when someone you know needs something and you're like, "oh I can take care of that, I spent six months studying how to do it and I have the resources already" and the other person gives you a look of deep skepticism and you try to convince them that no, really, it's not a big deal, you can have that done in a weekend or two if they give you the right information and... they don't believe you can do it, you guess. It's easy to misinterpret a "this sounds too good to be true" reaction for "I don't believe YOU can do it.”

My old draft had a note about how I should build myself a portfolio site to demonstrate stuff like this (except that my tastes develop faster than my actual skills in most fields, so I tend to dislike my own work and don't want to display it). But actually I’m wondering now if Badger secondary isn’t part of the problem. Sometimes I just volunteer to do stuff for people I only kinda know, without naming a motive or a price tag, and seen through that lens it’s hard to blame them for feeling awkward or skeptical about accepting. It’s not a big deal to you, but it is to them—too big to be just a favor. And then the people who do accept freely given help tend to take advantage of you… I guess I need to cultivate more Courtier Badger if I want to give my Bookkeeper Badger model stuff to do.

(Bonus bullet point: “I don’t know if I can really say my House is burned... it’s just not totally there right now? The stuff I’m dealing with isn’t THAT bad” is another tell that you’re burned. I’ve had to stop myself from writing that sort of thing several times over the course of this post. I’ll let myself bring it up for the opposite reason, though: if you’re thinking this, you may be underestimating the damage because you’ve forgotten what you’re like healthy. This goes for mental illness in general too. Don’t undermine your own experience.)

What I do instead

I’ve learned to be flexible and work around times when my Bird isn’t at 100%.

For example, this is why I have three novel projects running at once, with varying levels of complexity. The least complex of the three is new—I started it back in February, and working on that one instead of the others has let me stay productive and continue using Bird without pushing it past its limits. Plus it lets me keep making art, which as I’ve mentioned, is important to my general wellbeing.

If I’m able to section off my work like this and focus on the things I can do, and selectively procrastinate the ones I can’t (that aren’t super urgent), I’m usually fine—as long as I stay on top of my mental health enough for things to swing back around so I can catch up. It’s very, very difficult to recover if your needs aren’t being met.

I can be kind of a productive powerhouse when I can get my brain to actually process dopamine correctly (thanks, medication!) so if I can manage to work on something useful, I don’t always have to be too picky about what it is. That also means that if I can’t work on the things I’d normally use Bird to do (whether it’s burned or I’m just worn out), it’s a good excuse to catch up on more menial things like paperwork and laundry and whatnot. If I’ve let those pile up, dealing with them will improve my environment and my mental health and get Bird to recover faster.

What I shouldn’t do is continue to press on with my normal work, if I can avoid it. There have been times when people needed me to deliver the creative or technological thing I was using Bird to work on before it burned, and I had to push through and get it to them anyway, and it’s not a good situation for me.

*cue flashbacks to the three or four times that’s happened for months on end, dissociates for 10 minutes*

ugh okay brain can you not do that right now? trying to write a post here

Where was I? Oh, right. I was making a point.

Take the pressure off your burned House if you can.

I think when you burn one of your Houses, it's injured and you're actually worse at using it than people who just don't have it as one of their Houses. Say you're a bowling champion but your dominant wrist is broken. You can choose not to play at all until you recover, or you can try to play with your other hand but you're probably going to be worse at it than a lot of casual players, and that feels really bad because being good at this matters to you.

^ copied from the old draft of this post. I was going to write a smooth transition into that point, but it didn’t work and I’m not going to try to rewrite it and get “ERROR 500 INTERNAL SERVER ERROR” from my brain again.

In any case, this post has been sitting around for a week already and I should probably just publish it now. ^^;

#sortinghatchats #secondary toast revolving door #burned ravenclaw secondary #paint speaks

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mrfutureboy · 3 years ago

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I would like to know when you started drawing and where your passion for fanart started 😊

Oh FUCK dude i did not see this i’m so fucking sorry this is so late 😭 damn you, tumblr, for not fucking notifying me!! Anyway buckle up this is gonna be much longer than you asked for <3

Honestly ive kinda been drawing all my life! I hope that doesnt sound dumb cuz obviously almost everyone drew pictures when they were kids, but i know that it’s been a consistent hobby for me since i was little. By the time i was in 3rd grade I was hoarding notebooks to draw in. Cuz that’s something fun about me: i had a real huge habit of drawing in things that werent sketchbooks. Through middle school and beyond I did buy/receive sketchbooks, but I started out with various kinds of notebooks. One I had from like 2nd grade was like a hardcover, stationary-type notebook that I drew cats in lol, and I have 2 velvet lisa frank notebooks from 3rd grade. In high school and college I had a really bad habit of drawing in the margins on my notes and on handouts the teacher/professor would give. Those classes where the prof just prints out all the notes beforehand and gives them to you to follow along? Oh man, I spent so many classes barely listening while I drew on them! I also used to draw on my physics homework and tests and sometimes I even got extra credit for them (thank you jeff :D). I actually have a folder of various drawings I’ve kept from that 8yr time period and a lot of them are on classwork 😂

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of digital art lately, which I’m sure is what u were more curious about rather than the shit about drawing on my homework. I got a surface pro as a graduation gift in 2016 bc prior to that i had a wacom tablet and a janky ass laptop, so the gift was kinda a 2-in-1: i can do schoolwork AND art easily! i like digital art a lot and honestly im still learning new things abt it every time i draw. I use Leonardo currently (i’ll skip that story) but I started out doing digital art on sketchfu WITHOUT the wacom tablet in maaaaybe 2012??? 2011??? does anyone on this site remember sketchfu? Honestly couldnt even tell u how i found that site hahah the internet was just full of wonders back in the day. RIP sketchfu. Once i got the tablet tho some time later i used sketchfu still (i think) but also gimp and krita i believe.

Oh i suppose I should mention that i took art all four years of highschool and also minored in it in college! So it’s something i did academically as well as for fun. I keep thinking about going to art school for realsies but idk. I’m already $$$ in debt from my first degree i dont feel like adding to that 😅😓

Ok now for the second part of your question: I’ve also pretty much always done fan art! Ive never really been one for OC’s, EXCEPT for the self-insert superhero double life “comics” i wrote about a poodle named Sassy when i was in third grade. And then the knock off “comics” i wrote at a later time which honestly it was weird that i did a knock off of my own thing rather than just adding them to the original or making it a spin off with at least one of the og characters. Cuz it wasnt a spin off!! But anyway there wasnt really much to any of these characters; i just needed vessels to get my weird ideas out.

So anyway yeah most of what ive ever drawn has been fan art or self portraits, because its just easier for me to take characters that already exist and bend them to my will (artistically). Well excluding art assignments in school i guess because i would usually have to draw something specific and therefore not something self indulgent. But yeah ive drawn for lots of fandoms like the earliest i remember is warrior cats. Then theres things like pokemon and warriors and random other books i read thru middle school (i used to read a LOT but now im practically illiterate); spn, sherlock, and marvel through high school; and then marvel and bttf thru the end of hs and beyond. Idk i also have always loved looking at other peoples fan art and so im like “shit i wanna do that too!”. Tho i will say marvel was my biggest fandom and the one i had the longest interest in, so that was probably where the passion REALLY came from cuz I was drawing marvel stuff for such a long time (tho not posting shdjsk u have to trust me), but ive been doing fan art forever :)

(Of course, a lot of the fan art i was making prior to recently was drawn in lined notebooks or on homework sheets or what have you, and I wasn’t posting really any of it, but i was still making it and a good chunk of it still exists. Oh i should also mention most of it was with pencils or ballpoint pens like i wasnt doing anything too fancy. There was some digital art in the highschool-college time frame but it also really wasnt…much. Honestly i barely posted any of it here but I know some of it’s on deviantart)

I cant pinpoint the exact time I started getting more “serious” about my art in general, but i know the first pandemic lockdown gave me more free time and i was less stressed about schoolwork so i just kinda had a good outlet. (Tho i will say that prior, I had been in a life drawing club for a short while, and i had also been working on a personal sketchbook project that had me pretty ~inspired~ to do art. Also i watched twin peaks around this time and it inspired a lot of Feelings and i was making funky collages and other art pieced that were sometimes related to that. Some of those are on deviantart)

Honestly I think the Big thing with my digital art was coincidentally getting back into BTTF the summer of the 35th anniversary bc the fandom here was THRIVING and i was like “oh shit wait i want to contribute!” But as i kept drawing i kept wanting to improve and that leads us to right now where im constantly trying new things (whether subtle or obvious) and challenging myself to do full body drawings with different poses, and doing screencap redraws and what have you for various reasons (backgrounds, proportions, pose, etc)

So yeah :) Basically I’ve been doing fan art forever (I didnt even get into all the mediums ive tried but that’s another conversation bc this is already so long and convoluted) and it’s kinda coincidental that ive suddenly really gotten back into it and have improved dramatically in such a short time. Thank you so much @rovermcfly for the ask and again im really sorry you had to wait so long for a response! Stupid tumblr

#rovermcfly #signed sealed delivered #THANK U SM I HOPE U ENJOY KY RAMBLING :)#id love to ramble more if theres anything else u’d like to hear about my art journey :) bc i know this is all over the place lmfao #i will say some periods of life were a bit more inspired than others and thats bc i like will not draw if im too stressed #bc likely if im too stressed im too tired. see: a few weeks ago when that job was draining my life force

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cristalknife · 4 years ago

Text

Kadam Week 2021 Day 4 ~ You are my treasure, can I keep you as part of my hoard? 1/4

This is me trying to not start something on a platform only to post solely somewhere else aka AO3 and ff.net you can find the complete list of Kadam Week 2021 prompts and you might find more stories on the Kadam Week 2021 AO3 collection Someone please take the time to appreciate me not dumping a 23K+ story into a single post, OK thanks for coming to my Ted talk 4° prompt is I Had the Strangest Dream

namely kadam AU... And what you got is a dragons!kadam au where Kurt got into Nyada after his first audition, the story starts with Kurt still in Lima and still with Blaine. Because Klaine needed to die a painful death and you deserved to see that ship crash and burn... I present to you You are my treasure, can I keep you as part of my hoard? (In four parts Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 or read complete on ao3 or ff.net)

It was a rather well known fact that Nyada, being so exclusive and with limited opening every year, had a policy to never take more than a single student from the same school, even if there were more than one valid finalists.

What was not that well known, and certainly not at all advertised, was that such rule did not apply to supernatural beings.

If prospects were inclined toward the arts, and willing to join at least for the time of their education, the colony and the current ruling council.

Then they would be evaluated more on aspirations and skills, disregarding the presence of other finalists from the same school.

Once evaluated they would then be offered a position within one or more of the majors the school had that were in tune with the candidate's ability and affinities, rather than the candidate's preferred and declared choices.

Sometimes those two things matched, other times they didn't match at all.

In the end, once the offer was made, and it was cleared up that it was a non negotiable one, the prospect had to choose whether to accept the position offered by the Nyada's council, or simply choose to attend a different school.

When Kurt aced his audition he could hear the gears in Madam Tibideaux's mind turning, and humming pleasant vibrating sounds all around her. She was not at all like Kurt expected her to be, she felt like more, a more he couldn't place.

His dad had always been larger than life, Carole simply didn’t have the same presence about her.

And he knew that, despite loving how good she was for Burt, Kurt had yet to properly warm up to Carole. She was ok, he guessed, and she made his dad smile and feeling happier than Kurt could remember since his mom died.

But also she felt different... He felt awful for thinking so, but she sort of felt less...

Kurt had no idea who had come to examine him, or better he knew who she was, he just did not know there was also a what she was part that was making Kurt feeling even more invigorated and able to express himself fully.

Rachel on the other hand choked up, on a song she knew by heart, that she had sung so many times she should have muscle memories of how to produce those lyrics...

When the time got closer for their letters to arrive Kurt started to receive condescending looks full of pity, especially from his boyfriend.

When Rachel's letter arrived and she miraculously got in, everyone felt like they simply had to come to Kurt and offer their condolences and unique brand of what was supposedly comfort…

And worse of all Blaine had been the first in line to do so…

"Oh Kurt it's so bad you got to compete against Rach for the position at Nyada, but on the bright side you can stay here with me until I graduate and then we can move together to New York. Of course you'd have to wait another year before you'll be able to try again join Nyada, but at that point at least you'll have worked enough that maybe your cv won't look so anaemic..."

Kurt went rigid at Blaine's words and pressed his lips "Excuse me? Are you implying that you know already and more importantly you fully believe that I've been rejected when my letter didn't even arrive? And you dare to talk to me about my CV after you took the male lead part that was supposed to go to a senior in our only production? When you knew I needed it"

Blaine didn't even have the good grace of looking ashamed nor did he even give any indication of understanding why Kurt might be upset.

"Oh come on Kurt don't be so dull, we all know that only one student per institution can get in. And Rachel got her acceptance letter already, so clearly you've been rejected, but as I was saying it's ok. It even works out better this way. You'll stay here with me while I graduate and then we'll move to New York together, and we'll have enough money to have our own place"

That things with Blaine hadn't been that good was neither a good nor a new news, but this was taking the cake and Kurt huffed irritated "So you expect me to fail in reaching for my dreams, stay in Lima of all places, waiting a year for you to graduate and then do what exactly? Move to New York to work before I try to join my dream school, is that what you see and hope for my life?"

Blaine frowned confused "There's nothing wrong with that Kurt come on, you know what I mean, it's not like you're what people expect from a leading man anyway... I mean I support you but you do stand out too much, and you know, there's being a star and then being a little too unique to ever get a role. It's not a bad thing, it’s just, it makes things difficult and I don't want you to fail, I just want you to have realistic expectations... You know I love you, it's just you can be a little too much for people who don't get you..."

With every additional word that kept pouring out of Blaine’s mouth, Kurt felt something changing and growing at the very centre of his being.

Something he hadn't felt since he was a small child, and got so mad for the first time in his life that he pushed back one of the other kids that were tormenting him...

An action that then his mom scolded him thoroughly, making him promise to never seek violence as a way to solve a conflict. To always take a step back when he felt the sensation of something crawling under his skin ready to explode and make whatever was troubling him disappear.

This time however, it was starting to become harder to resist the temptation to just let it all go, just for this once.

Was this really how love was supposed to be? Because it was starting to seem like he was the only one with expectation to fulfil. And the worst of those expectations was the fact that apparently he was supposed to be the one making compromises…

It was becoming tiresome to say the least.

"Blaine tell me honestly is this what you think?"

Kurt's tone was clipped when he asked that, and yet Blaine once more gave no indication of seeing what was going on.

On the contrary, the boy had the gall to start getting upset, his voice turning into a whine

"Kurt come on, why are you being so difficult, I'm trying to be considerate here but you always make such a fuss about nothing, You're such a drama queen"

And with that something inside Kurt broke...

Whether it was something finally breaking free or simply a dam breaking down he did not know. Nor did he know whether where or how the growling sound reverberating in his throat originated from…

But one thing he did know. This was it, he had reached the point where he couldn't stand the being in front of that, that boy anymore...

With what was Kurt's iciest tone he said "If this is how you feel, then I believe we have nothing else to do. You are never around even for things you planned and scheduled. You don't answer when I call, and if you do answer my messages it’s hours later without apologies or explanations. And if what I've been told is correct, you'd rather spend your time with your friend Sebastian rather than staying with me"

Blaine didn't even let Kurt finish as he started countering "It's not my fault if you seemed so intent on leaving me behind as soon as you'd get your diploma from here. I was just trying to survive without you . Excuse me for being happy about not having to worry about being left behind by my boyfriend. Who I might add, was all too happy to discard me like yesterday trash for a shiny new life in New York, over six hundred miles away from me. How is it a bad thing being happy about having more time together?"

And Kurt was beyond furious "So as long as you are not left behind who cares if my life and my dreams get destroyed? Seriously what's wrong with you. You always comment on how supportive I am of you, and I've tried even when it hurt, even when to be honest I shouldn’t have. So why you never ever try to reciprocate? Why does it always have to be me, the one compromising?"

Blaine assumed that half irritated, half hurt that seriously implied that Kurt was being unreasonable and hurting him for futile reasons, as once again he started to talk over Kurt "Kurt stop being so unreasonable, why are you hurting me? I never asked you to compromise, in fact how can you even say such hurtful things? I was the one who left Dalton to transfer here for you, I was the one who didn't audition for Tony even if I could have used the role as well… It's not my fault if Artie, coach Beiste and Miss P thought I was a better Tony than you. Why are you blaming me for the decisions of others? Especially since it's not exactly my fault if you keep flaunting such extravagant outfits at all times... Why do you ask me that? It's not a matter of your dreams going up in flame or your life being destroyed, don’t you see that was exactly what I was talking about... You're just being overly dramatic instead of taking things with a pinch of maturity, you are such a crybaby at times, can we please stop this nonsense? It's just upsetting me, and it's not like it'll change the content of your nyada letter anyway. There's no need for us to fight over something so stupid..."

Then Kurt relaxed and nodded, and for the first time he saw exactly the moment when Blaine's expression shifted from hurt and pleading to a complacent one, clearly thinking that once more things had gone his way...

To a certain extent he was right, Kurt was going to at least partially grant him his wish for this to stop…

The only part Blaine might not yet realise was that Kurt would make it stop forever.

This was it, any chain, any bond that could have ever existed before, was now absolutely left in tatters on the floor as Kurt was going to soar high in the sky and fly free.

"You're right"

Blaine nodded and grabbed Kurt's hand patting it condescendingly.

Kurt hastily removed his hand from Blaine, motion that provoked Blaine's eyebrows to shoot up in surprise as he started to say "What.."

Kurt took a leaf out of Blaine's own book and started talking over him continuing with determination "You are right that we need to stop this nonsense, clearly you feel this way and I'm not going to ask you to change your mind."

Blaine's surprised expression softened into a pleased smile as he nodded, only to turn into a shocked frown as Kurt continued unrelentlessly "But I won't change my mind either. Whether I've been accepted or rejected from Nyada it won't matter. For one, I have other colleges I've applied to that I could attend coming fall, some of which I already have acceptance letters from. Something that had you been around like a boyfriend ought to be, you would have already known. So either as soon as I graduate or at the end of the summer I will leave Lima behind. But don't worry I won't leave you behind then"

Blaine was still frowning but offered a tentative smile and a nod. That until Kurt smiled back at him, in the same icy and sarcastic way that he had seen Kurt smile at Sebastian in those moments, right before and after they started one of their rounds of bickering.

"I won't leave you behind then, because I'm breaking up with you right now. Clearly we want different things from life, and hey we both know we had problems long before now... Who sets up appointments to make out? I might not have had other experiences before, but I can tell you this is not what I expected being with someone to be like. And you are not living up to the teenage dream you promised me either. So here's me growing up and taking things with a pinch of maturity. We’re done."

Blaine blinked confused and looked up at Kurt with his patented wounded puppy eyes, and for the first time Kurt started to wonder if what was going on wasn't as much as adorable obliviousness, as he had always assumed, but rather a masterful use of emotional manipulation.

Kurt looked down at Blaine, and for the first time he felt the bile rising up at the mere thought of having bowed down to this for over an year now, for having allowed himself to become nothing more than a spineless whipping boy. And in exchange for what exactly? For a boy who apparently had no care for him at all despite proclaiming his love? For a relationship in which he was the only one having to renounce things to make the other happy?

He didn't know anymore, and he wasn't that sure he even wanted to know at this point. He just wanted out of this situation for good.

Blaine was still staring like he couldn't understand Kurt at all as he voiced his confusion "What? I don't understand... Why are you trying to get back at me this way Kurt? Look I'll leave now, you clearly need the time to cool down, don't worry I won't hold this against you. I can see you're upset, and I do get how much it must hurt not having been accepted to the only school you applied to. There is no need to invent stories about how you applied to other schools and how you'll leave Lima after graduation or at the end of the summer just to get back at me. Rach told me you both applied only at Nyada and she got in, so clearly you would have no other place to go to..."

Kurt shook his head and felt the profound disappointment in seeing that even now Blaine simply either wasn't listening to him or didn't care at all about what Kurt had to say...

In a way it was a pity, he looked around and for the first time he was grateful that there were witnesses listening into every word they were exchanging, in fact Kurt thought he had also seen Jacob Ben Israel...

So he simply shrugged and left to go to his locker. He picked up what he needed, then simply walked out of the school without a second thought. Just to be on the safer side he sent a quick text to the whatsapp group chat that had all the glee club members on it that read simply ‘I just broke up with Blaine, I will never get back together with him so if someone is not happy with it either keep your mouth shut and your nose out of my own business or feel free to stay the hell out of my life for good. This is all I'll say on the subject and that's not up to debate. I hope we'll manage to finish the time we have until graduation with civility. Kurt’

Then as a second immediate action, he went and changed his status on facebook making a quick work of removing any trace of him and Blaine together from his albums and shared pictures, proceeding to repeat the procedure also on instagram and from his own phone.

The more he purged his profiles of Blaine, the more he noticed how much of a shadow of his former self he had become in the time they had been together. It was staggering seeing how, by removing Blaine from his storyline, only few traces were left of what happened to him in the past year.

Shaking his head he shot a quick text to Finn, letting him know he was going to pass by the garage to see dad before going home, and that he was leaving immediately because he didn't want to be cornered by anyone wanting to talk about the fact he broke up with Blaine.

Finn simply sent a smiley face and two thumbs up, apparently, despite all his fears, Kurt was still going to have someone on his side by the end of the tragedy... It was a comforting thought.

He relished in it as he drove to the garage, once there he called out "Hey dad do you have a minute?"

Burt called out from the farther aisle, and Kurt smiled and waved at Carl and Kenneth as he passed by the two other mechanics at work.

Once Kurt was close by, Burt tensed and looked completely frozen in worry and surprise a low growling "Damn" escaped Burt's lips as he grabbed the rag and cleaned his hand "Kurt we need to talk"

Kurt smiled and nodded "Yeah we do I just broke up with Blaine and I'd really appreciate your support if you could make sure to not let him into the house next time he comes around. Because despite telling him I was breaking up with him, he was acting like he wasn't listening to me, so I just wanted to make sure you knew. I am going to tell Carole as soon as we get back home, but... Dunno why, I felt like I had to come to you first and that it couldn't have waited till you'd get home, I'm not sure exactly on the reason behind such reasoning"

Burt kept a close look on his son and then said without preambles "Something else happened, didn't it?"

When Kurt didn't say anything but reluctantly nodded once, before looking surprised he had done that, Burt had all the answers he needed.

Kurt was as a dagon just like himself, just like Elizabeth had been, it was strange that it took so long for his supernatural heritage to pick that up, he should have taught so many things to Kurt already, but he never smelled like a hatchling or a youngling, Kurt had always smelled faintly like his Lizzy did... And a doubt started to creep up on Burt, Elizabeth and him had never discussed their supernatural heritage, he had always assumed that it was because Elizabeth was an orphan and she had ended up in Lima living with a distant relative that didn't have any trace of supernatural vibe to her, hence making the subject taboo in her household.

But now he wondered if she was simply not sure about Burt's own knowledge on the subject, or even possible reactions, if he was honest he could admit to have never been that interested in properly grooming that side of himself. He was more than happy to pass his live as a good mechanic, restoring cars to their original beauty.

He always felt too out of place in the sanctuaries, or trying to fly with other dragons living in the neighbourhood. He was nothing as impressive as the others, his own scales dull and his wings barely able to lift him off the ground and be serviceable, nothing like the spectacular acrobatics of the likes of Alexander Smythe or even Matt McNamara.

But that was still at a time when Lizzy was still alive. When she died, he simply didn't want to see the signs of what losing his mate had done to him, he had a normal kid, who apparently wasn't really normal at all, and in his grief he never looked deeper.

But something must have happened, because for the first time his son smelled like mint honey and rosemary, not at all like the sweet vanilla and ginger that was Lizzy’s scent, nor his own sandalwood and musk, nor was his son’s scent a mingle of those two scents as it would have been for a youngling.

Kurt had already grown into his own individual, and Burt had not prepared him yet for what it meant to be a dragon... And on top of that his kid was more than ready to leave and abandon this small town to live his life as soon as possible, giving Burt even less time to try to remedy to the many years they had already lost.

He was wondering exactly what happened for Kurt to break through, what probably was meant to be a temporary block that Lizzy had put on their child when he was very young, maybe to help him control his emotions, preventing emotional escalation and incidents that could have revealed their supernatural status to people without any prior knowledge of it, in a traumatic way.

"Let's go take a ride son and you can tell me what happened in details"

Kurt blinked confused, he had seen his dad looking at him rather surprised and then contemplative, and to be honest Kurt hadn't really intended to say or let his dad know that something had happened, mainly because he couldn't really explain it, he wasn't sure what had happened, even if he was sure something did…

While lying to his dad had not been an option, even when he managed to keep his mouth shut, preventing what seemed insane rambling to escape his lips, a part of him had wanted to just obey.

Somehow recognising the authority Burt still had over him, and it was a strange feeling, nothing like he had felt before, not that he didn't respect his dad, but at the same time he had never felt compelled to cower enough to tell him the whole truth…

As they walked out the garage Burt said softly "Do you want us to take the Navigator or shall we take my truck? We are going to do some off the road driving"

Kurt looked at his dad through slitted eyes, "I'll tell Finn to get a lift to pick my baby and take her home, we're taking your car to go wherever you want us to go, without me having to scrub mud from my baby for the next fortnight."

Burt chuckled and while Kurt took care of talking with Finn, he made a quick call to Carole telling her that something had happened with Kurt beside him breaking up with his boyfriend, and that he needed to get to the end of it, see if he could get his son to talk, and that he would tell her later what he found out...

He left behind that probably what he was going to share was going to be an edited version of what happened if his suspicions were proved correct. Burt, in a sudden strike of inspiration grabbed from the locker room Kurt's coverall and the changing bag his son had taken to keep here at the garage, if his nose wasn't wrong, then those might come in hand to make their journey back home more comfortable if things went wrong.

It took less than Burt remembered to reach the sanctuary's valley, and the closer they got, the more he could see Kurt's fascination growing, "So buddy what else happened, tell me please, even if it sounds crazy I want to know what went down with you"

Kurt looked a little worried before starting speaking "This might end up sounding crazy, but it felt like something broke, and at the same time it felt like I was free to fly for the first time... The way Blaine was speaking was making me so mad, and I know, I know I promised mom that I would never try to go with violence as a way to find a solution to an unpleasant situation. But I swear if you could have heard the bullshit he was saying, he was so condescending... Did you know that they are all assuming that just because Rachel got her acceptance letter from Nyada, that I would be automatically rejected? And I mean Rachel choked on her audition... If she did get in and I didn't I’m not even sure I'd want to get into a school with such screwed up criteria of selection."

Burt nodded, in that sea of words there were some things that clearly resonated with him. If Lizzy thought she and Kurt were the only dragons in their family then she probably had put a block around Kurt's powers to keep them tamed while he was growing up. Probably expecting to be there when he should have started to learn control over his abilities, around his twelfth birthday…

Burt hummed and nodded, totally understanding his son's point of view, and then prompted "And how did it felt? I'm not judging, but you sounded more surprised rather than upset about this whole ordeal"

Kurt took a deep breath and looked outside the window "I felt free... Like things were finally right, and Blaine, Blaine felt all wrong. Like I couldn't even believe why I had him in my life, like he wasn't supposed to be next to me at all. And it made me mad seeing that he wasn't even listening to me. I was there, telling him I was done with him and he left saying that he would not hold against me things I said when I was clearly upset... As if his assumption of me being rejected by one school would be the reason why I'd broke up with him, and it wasn't for example how he expected me to stay in Lima for another year until he graduated, in the meanwhile while I would surely fail again to get into nyada because he was applying..."

Kurt's rage was rapidly brewing up, and Burt could hear his son's breathing slowly turning into steam, only for his son to surprise him taking a deep breath and exhaling it with just a low hiss.

"He made me so mad I really fished to roast him, incinerate him right there where he standed, but alas even if I could have done that it was going to create so many problems that it wouldn't have been worth the satisfaction of doing it..."

Burt grinned amazed at his son's natural control, or maybe it was just that he trained in a whole different way than Burt himself had been trained...

He stopped the car and then patted his son on the shoulder "You did good son, I'm so proud of you, now come with me there's something I need to show you,"

Kurt felt himself preening under the unexpected praise. Burt directed them to what looked like the edge of a rather deep canyon, and Kurt looked worried at his father as he asked questioning "Dad?"

Burt smiled softly, in a way that Kurt hadn't seen since before his mom got sick "Buddy I don't know how else to do this, and I really wish your mom was here to help me out, so please forgive me for what I'm about to do."

The words made Kurt's blood freeze inside his veins, and in less than a second Burt had taken three steps back and was falling over the edge.

Without even realising he was moving, Kurt dived in after his father, and all of a sudden his vision changed, the world got blurred for a moment and the image of Burt falling body blurred as well, before being replaced by a bulky reptilian dragon, with sturdy wings to carry the compact body.

Kurt felt the wind offering resistance to his fall, and in a blink of an eye what was resistance was actually offering him support. Instead of keeping him from falling, like it had seemed in the beginning, Kurt found himself raising up above the canyon and into the sky.

And the dragon that used to be where his father was, suddenly raised up into the sky as well, emitting a sound that Kurt knew were not words, but that he could surprisingly understand anyway. They were directions telling him to land down on the clearing in the middle of the trees on their left. Kurt saw exactly the spot and dive in with surgical precision, landing exactly where he wanted, on the sandy patch on the lake shore.

Once there, in what felt a little mixed up curiosity and vanity he peered on the water to see his own reflection, and discovering that indeed he looked like a dragon too, he could see a silvery reflection, and he could feel something in on the top of his head, floating, he instinctively knew those appendices were having the same function as a cat’s whiskers.

As he tried to look at himself the only difference he could see, compared to what he saw of his dad, was that where his father was compact and sturdy, with wings short and strong, his own figure seemed to be made for agility and precision, his wings complimenting his agile body shining in the afternoon light.

With a lot less grace than Kurt had, Burt landed in the middle of the clearing where the grass was, he then turned into his human form to smile at his son "You did well buddy, now can you figure out how to return to your human form or do we need to find a way for you to get home this way?" the tone was teasing, and Kurt wasn’t amused at all.

He didn’t know exactly how it happened, but he could distinctly feel the need to express his frustration into a way this form’s language would not be able to properly express.

There was no such sound he could find that would carry on the meaning of your stunt scared me to death or the you don't get to make jokes like that.

There were some words that could be translated but even putting them together Kurt knew they wouldn't be able to carry on the same message he needed to rant at his father.

So there was no other option but having access to his human mouth, that was what he needed at the moment, and without even realising what he did, Kurt found himself standing in front of his grinning father.

He took exactly ten milliseconds of taking in his father’s expression for him to take a breath and starting to deliver a well deserved dressing down to the other man for his actions.

"How could you do that to me? I was scared to death, you made me think you were committing suicide in front of me. It sounded like you were saying goodbye and instead you just wanted to go for a fly? What the heck dad? Come on couldn't you have sat with me, safely inside your truck, and told me calmly Kurt we are dragons we can transform in giant flying reptiles and that's ok it's just who we are and there's nothing wrong with it, and then maybe actually telling me how that happened instead of jumping that way???"

If Kurt had been less scared and traumatised, maybe then he would have noticed the mischievous look into his father's eyes, as things were he completely missed that and when Burt opened his mouth and started answering Kurt’s immediate reaction was to groan "Well son, when a female dragon meets a male dragon and they love each other very much, they end up mating in human form, and the the female becomes pregnant, and then their offspring has high chances of having their supernatural heritage as well, meaning that he is born a dragon as well..."

Kurt scoffed irritated "Funny dad, very funny ah-ha"

Burt chuckle stopped and he sighed softly as well before saying sincerely "I'm sorry Kurt, I didn't want to scare you or upset you that much. I just didn't know how to do this. And I really didn't want to do to you what my pa did"

Kurt raised an eyebrow in silent question as he crossed his arms on his chest, realising for the first time that he was wearing clothes, and that those ere not the ones he had on before he transformed...

Burt shrugged and offered a tight smile "He was doing very much a lion king scene, you know that moment when Mufasa is telling to Simba about one day having to rule over all that was touched by the sun moment…”

Kurt nodded slowly releasing his arms listening as Burt continued "Only for him to then give me a pat on the back that sent me flying over the edge, making me feel like I was falling to my death before I figured out how to transform and fly"

At the scandalised look that Kurt was sending his way he simply shrugged "These were other times buddy, and I was a lot younger than you are... He didn't know any better, and that was exactly how his father had been taught him."

Kurt wrinkled his nose unsatisfied "I'm not sure I would have like any of those options…”

Burt scratched the back of his head and said wistfully "All I knew for sure was that I didn't want to do that to you, like ever, but now I'm not so sure my own was that much better"

Kurt sent him a levelled glare and shook his head, Burt then continued "But I had promised myself that I wouldn't do that to my son"

Kurt's eyes softened, as Burt finished softly "I wish your mom was here, she would have probably have handled all of this a lot better than I am"

Kurt smiled softly "If you can manage to avoid other scares like that, I'd appreciate it very much, but it's not like you're doing a terrible job of it dad"

Burt hummed softly and grinned "If you think you can figure out how to shift at will we can then head home and call it a day, putting all of this behind us."

Kurt attempted the shift a few more times, each time getting faster and easier than the time before. He kept repeating the action until both of them were satisfied with the results.

Burt smiled proudly and said "You are doing great son, once we're at home we'll get you a couple of books that will be useful and that you really need to read before leaving town."

Kurt nodded and simply followed his dad, they both shifted into their dragon form and flew to the car, before driving back home.

Once they reached the house, Carole hugged them both and then offered Kurt a sealed envelope "This was waiting for you when I arrived home."

It was the Nyada's letter Kurt was waiting for. As soon as he took it in his hands, and it got within Burt’s sniffing distance, his dad frowned and took a step closer so he could read its content over Kurt's shoulder, as he opened it up and read the school’s decision. ~End of Part 1 of 4~ Next

#kadam week 2021 #vcg73 #kadam fic #kadam #glee #glee prompts filling #my kadam fic #my glee fic #kadam glee #long post #it's a fic what did you expect #my writing is not suited for tumblr #~23.3K wc of story divided in 4 parts #part 1 of 4

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rokutouxei · 4 years ago

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the wonder that’s keeping the starts apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop's most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo's pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 4 OF 22

She is… persistent.

The kind of persistent that would be inspiring if the persistence wasn’t pointed in his direction. Theo isn’t anti-social—he’s not the kind of person who would purposefully avoid conversation or hide from people, because he knows that, especially with his major, building networks is a thing.

But she’s different, because it’s not like she’s doing it for any sort of plus or gain on her end—at least in Theo’s mind—so he doesn’t quite understand why she’s like this.

“Do you have a favorite book?”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Why’d you decide to work at Dragon’s Hoard?”

“What’s it like being a business major?”

She asks just a handful of questions in a day, as if not to scare him off. But she makes the most out of his patience. She sits there, the book he’s lent her in her hand, a finger stuck between the pages to mark where she was last at. She gives an answer for every question she gives, as

“Me? Man, I wouldn’t be able to pick a favorite book…”

“I really like Japanese food, actually, but…”

“Hmm, I’m thinking of getting a part-time too, so…”

“It’s prettier on paper. Everything is prettier on paper in the lit department…”

Something about her persistence reminds him of Vincent, in a mirrored way that he can’t quite put into words. She and Vincent both have something thrumming in their veins that pushes them forward. It’s something he doesn’t understand, because it’s never been like that for him.

So one day, he finally asks:

“Why me?”

“What?”

Theo asks it out of nowhere, and she looks up at him curiously from between the pages of Ocean Vuong.

“What do you mean, why you?”

“It is what it is.”

“Okay, mister vague-posting,” she rolls her eyes at him, but there’s a smile on her face. “I don’t know, really. You’re interesting, I guess.”

It’s not the eloquent answer he expected out of her, but he’s a little relieved it’s not anything more complex. He doesn’t know what he would done with that sort of information. “Glad to have been entertaining, then.”

“What do you think of yourself, a shiny thing?” she says, laughing. “You’re just more than you show yourself to be, and that’s the fun part. I just might see through you, Theo.”

“You do not.”

“I do! You’re all barbs but Vincent calls you the sweetest thing and that’s all I need to know. Maybe I can even guess your favorite color.”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Is it yellow?”

Theo didn’t have a favorite color. And even if he did, yellow might not be that high up on the list of contenders. But in that moment, he considers it: yellow, the color of Vincent’s hair, yellow, the rye fields of their home town, yellow, the color of childhood summers and painting in the backyard, yellow, the colors on their bedroom wall.

Maybe this silly girl was right. Maybe yellow could be his favorite.

“Lucky guess, hondje,” he says, instead, watching the sun blossom, bright yellow, on her face.

“You’re trying to justify a friendship with a guy who called you a dog?” he asks, tucking beautifully-tinted violet hair behind his ear. “You deserve better, Toshiko-san.”

It’s late afternoon, and she’s sitting in the gazebo near the Arts Building, the small, undignified hangout spot of the school’s already tiny literary club. Her friend and senior, Dazai, sits across from her on the table with his glasses on, squinting at her in confusion.

Dazai graduated a bit back, being two years older than her, but he’s still studying under the department. For some reason or another that she could not comprehend, he decided to take his MA in Japanese Literature here as well. One shared intensive writing workshop class with him has made them good friends.

“Called? No, present tense. He calls me a dog,” she corrects, shaking her head as she finally lifts her head up from the book she is highlighting. “I mean, he uses my name… sometimes… rarely… okay nearly never, but somehow he’s figured out calling me his puppy in Dutch is a good nickname.”

Dazai shakes his head. “Sounds like a fuckboy,” he comments, readjusting his glasses into place, as he flips his readings back to the right page. “Steer clear unless he has a huge cock, I guess?”

“Shut up, oh my god!” she exclaims, rushing over to cover his mouth with her hands. “No way, no way. He’s a business major, and I don’t want to be in a relationship with a business major of all things. Besides, there’s a better option than him in the same house. Does arts too.”

“Oh? Pray tell, who might it be?”

“His brother,” she whispers, conspiratorially, “is Vincent.”

Dazai blinks. There is a moment of silence before he can compose himself. “No way. Van Gogh? He has a brother? He’s still here?”

“Yes, him, the ‘genius of the College of Arts’, he ‘who haunts the hallways of the Fine Arts Department’, the professors’ favorite ‘artistic genius’,” she rattles off, having memorized the rumors with how many times she’s heard it. “The only reason I know he’s still here is because it would have been huge news if he actually graduated.”

“Seven years in the shitty College of Arts? He’s some sort of masochist for sure,” he comments. She poses no comment to the fact that Dazai took his undergraduate studies here, too, and now he’s also doing his masters… here, too. “But you’re telling me the guy at Dragon’s Hoard is his brother? His brother is a business major?”

“Look, I know, I was surprised too,” she says. “I was already shocked enough that he was the friendly barista at the café when you told me… but to know they’re related? They’re like ice and fire.”

“Exact opposites, huh?”

“Either way, that’s the story of how I got into some sort of mini modeling gig and into a friendship that I did not expect or want,” she says, finally finishing her story, with a wave of her hand like a conductor at the end of a piece.. “I’m trying to make the most out of it, though.”

Dazai nods, but his face is full of disbelief. “Yes, by sticking around a guy who calls you a dog in his free time.”

“No nickname will stand between me and getting people to read some good old poetry.”

“That’s not the point, Toshiko-san, but if that’s what makes you happy.”

For a moment, the two of them return to their studies. She, turning back to the book she’s highlighting and annotating for a class tomorrow. Him, going back to his readings for tonight’s class. The College of Arts’ literary club used to be open to everyone, but after dwindling membership, it became one that was limited to the Department of Literature’s students—or, rather, all of the students are immediately made part of it, and could hang out at their said sad, lonely gazebo if they want. That didn’t make it any more popular, though, so she’s made it her and her friend’s little nook for studying when she’s not in the library.

“Say, what made Vincent a legend in the College of Arts?” she suddenly asks, just as she reached the end of a page. Dazai hums, finishing a passage he’s reading before looking up.

“Isn’t it because of his style?” Dazai answers, though hesitantly. “I’m sure the painting hanging in the Dean’s room is his.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure of that too, but…” she pauses, thinking of Vincent in his studio room, planning his paintings, the corkboard, and the canvases. “Why didn’t he just…get it over with? Why hasn’t he graduated? I’m sure there’s some sort of—apprenticeship or studio that’ll take someone like him when he paints like that. Maybe they’ll give him an allowance too. And with the number of recommendations that he can get from the professors?”

With a hum, Dazai offers: “Maybe you can ask his brother.”

They make a face at each other, laugh, and get back to studying.

Dazai’s class starts at five in the afternoon, running up until seven p.m., and while there are days that she waits out for him at the gazebo for dinner, tonight was a special day. The Office of Student Relations has meetings on Tuesday mornings; and while they do post their announcements online the next day, the fastest way to get the news from them is to check the bulletin board outside their office at six p.m., which is when they post. Sitting on a bench right outside the office, she waits for the assistant or secretary to post what she’s waiting for and—

There he is!

“Hello,” she greets, standing up from her seat and walking toward the bulletin board. The secretary smiles and greets her back, tacking the notice to the board.

“Waiting on the requirements?”

“Sure am,” she answers, wringing her hands behind her. “Been very anxious.”

“Well, here they are. Best of luck.”

“Thank you!”

The secretary takes his leave shortly after that, returning back through the large wooden doors of the antiquated office. She left behind, stands in front of the bulletin board with her eyes closed, and takes a deep breath.

This is it. The requirements for her dreams, right in front of her.

She opens her eyes and takes out a flyer from the small pocket that the secretary had pinned onto the board. A flyer detailing the requirements for the one-year, international scholarship program of the Office of Student Relations.

A long, laundry-list of requirements, from filling in forms, requesting official paperwork like transcripts and recommendation letters, submitting portfolios, and passing a certain number of assessment interviews.

“I can’t afford to get distracted,” she says, to no one in particular, as if saying it out loud will make it real, will help it come true much easier than it actually will take. This is what he was all supposed to be—a small, pleasant motivation, a distraction for when idle, but not one that will stop her from what she originally intended to do.

This.

To go away.

But…

She tucks the flyer in between notebooks, thinking quietly to herself, But those are only books, so it can’t be that bad—can it?

#the wonder that’s keeping the starts apart #ikemen vampire #ikevamp theo

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 4 years ago

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What My Thoughts On Morrissey Today

In response to my writing idea someone gave me I picked this.

So basically, Morrissey’s nationalism in recent years has gotten in the way of me being able to appreciate much that he comes out with. This is wild because a few short years ago, I stood up for Morrissey and actually still feel very moved by a portion of his music. It got me through some really rough patches in my twenties.

I realize he’s human and has faults and I don’t know him completely but just eh, living in Portland and having seen the stuff going on I’m kind of not in the place in my life right now where I want to even try to dissect him. It’s not just a fact that he’s wrong, but that it seems altogether very much in rejection of the things that made his music so special. It was difficult for me to come to terms with it or fully make sense of why someone who’s unashamed expression of witty despair in the 80’s and 90’s, someone who was outcasted from the overall closed mindedness lower working class post ww2 world of northern England, unafraid to be gay and completely the antithesis of some Tory ideal could be bought by some tired nationalist agenda. It’s even more difficult to realize where his alegianced lie in a world that is starting to reject democracy, embrace anti intellectualism in the guise of some form of selective politically motivated skeptism, and I see the world move farther and farther into fascism.

Margaret Thatcher attacked The Smiths. Morrissey was taken in for questioning more than once out of fear for what he represented. Morrissey and The Smiths has some subversive element that really did threaten the establishment and cultural norms, in a way that I feel was a little more multidimensional than even a lot of bands in the English punk scene. I guess for me, even though I grew up in the Inland northwest of the US, I felt there was a lot of parallels in common. I too detest a culture based around animal consumption, was really not a part of the world I grew up in and didn’t want to work in the factories, I liked art and music and nobody around me was really into that stuff.

I still like the Smiths and most of Morrisseys old music. I read his autobiography. I know he is a dramatic self involved individual but I did feel that up till somewhat recently his heart was in the right place and he just liked to be controversial, which is somewhat true still, but now I think there was more to it, some nationalistic self preservation instinct kicking in. Its actually more prevelant than I even realized and I honestly think it’s getting the best of anyone with money or power, even those who once stood for something counter culture. It’s hard to think of him as racist in the traditional sense with his adoration for Latin America, but he might just be so self involved that his popularity in those regions gave him a bias. He probably separates the racism from the nationalism, blindly not wanting to see how the two concepts are quite inseparable. Falling right into it.

Him saying “everyone prefers their own race”, is kind of wild to me. I genuinely even try to entertain this as a possibility like a philosophical thought experiment or a deep dive of some kind into my own subconscious part of me I am avoiding somehow, and it’s not true for me or a lot of people. Who the fuck is he to say who prefers who, and how backwards and dehumanizing. It’s pretty repulsive, and being he is bisexual and felt the discrimination of homophobia growing up, I’m inclined to think he’s not able to see that he’s become the enemy he once represented the antithesis of.

The guy I’ve kinda been with is Mexican. I totally love him. I look into people’s eyes and I talk to and open up to people and if I connect with them I connect with them. Not like I’m trying to play the I gotta friend who is this or that as some kind of example of much, or that I don’t see color or some faulty implication, but I have been in situations where I’m the only white person at a party and I prefer them because they are my friends and I love them, and the idea of classifying who I prefer is to imply that the white race should be my main concern as they are the same as me and therefore superior and they aren’t. There is nothing inherently special to me or a kinship felt with other white people for either their appearance or cultural background. It’s nice to compare notes of pop culture but a lot of stuff people go through is universal. I don’t take too much issue with multiculturalism. My white skin is meaningless to me. I can’t imagine being so inept as a person that the color of my skin actually defines my identity rather than my autonomy or ideas or relationships and what I stand for and my ability to appreciate and connect with other people.

What gets me is that in his support of the far right is not even in line with his hatred of police, or the hatred he had a few years ago. I mean, he has always gone on and on about police brutality, he’s been harassed by them on multiple occasions. He shows them on giant projectors at his shows. Police are a very important staple for fascism and nationalism, and he is now on their side after all this time? What changed? The lost young man he once was in 1981 feels very very different from who he has become and piecing together that transformation has been something I’ve been trying to do for awhile. I try to embrace both but they seem like similar but different people at odds with one another, like an uncle and nephew.

Here is what I imagine happened, and I could be wrong about that but I was a Morrissey fangirl for quite awhile. I literally had his signed autograph above my bed with dried flowers around it like a shrine for a few years, and got a grasp of Morrisseys personality in some ways.

To start off, Morrissey is a very poetic and sharp guy but he’s very miopic about his interests and has always had the tendency to see the world in a black and white framework. This in and of itself is not necessarily bad, but it’s the core framework of who he is as a person. When he was young it was very much more a reflection of his hatred for authoritarianism and deceitful people and phony artists. It’s not bad and it contributed to his music and lyrics and became the thing he was loved/hated for. The way he goes about it really has always been the double edged sword of his charm and vileness all in one and something people have mocked time and time again. He likes to be the guy in the corner that looks fine and smug and believes he sees the virtues/dispicable attributes of everyone in the room and there have been times in his life where he was, and though he won’t ever attack anyone face to face he’s quick to speak his mind about it.

Morrissey is also a very vain person. It’s subtle but he is very singular on certain aesthetics. At times it made him brilliant and poetic and a visionary. The Smiths album covers are beautiful. His look is both elegant and absurd in its grasp for purity. It also makes him seem like a twat and a pretentious prince. The fact that he seems to be these two things at once is what gave him that kind of controversial star quality at times.

Those are just two natural traits he has always been obvious with. And he struggled with it and focused on his passions and dealt with depression in the 80’s. Then fame happened and the smiths ended. He kept to himself more or less in the 80’s and 90’s aside from his disdain for Margaret Thatcher, but he kinda lost his mind a bit when his drummer took him to court in the nineties. Right or wrong he fought for two years and lost a good chunk of his money from The Smiths and when that happened he kind of was forced to start again. He lost his home. He developed that early personalized sense of self preservation and victimhood. I think he lost faith in many of his more naive ideals when he was younger. When you read his autobiography and know what happened it’s like he had to step out of his old life and into something else.

Then, he’s always been a vegetarian superiority type. I liked that he calls it as he sees it but because of his need to black and white think everything he came off as deluded and smug. I mean, to be fair you can’t seem to win with people who want to eat meat and I agreed with a portion of his message, but he never questioned himself. He’s not good at that, or doesn’t appear to be. My personal interpretation of him was to agree with part of it and give him the cred for being not afraid to be a dick and say it, but to see also that he was so dramatic and self absorbed about it to also laugh at him and the way he said it.

Now to go into fascism and why it grew on Morrissey. I see the world as kind of falling into polarization and flux because of the failures of neoliberalism. It’s a long political explanation, but essentially the systems that are in place do not provide answers to a lot of catestrophic issues. Democracy, though the best thing we have, is flawed. I really like philosophy and have studied this and the various arguments that are made, and I don’t have the answer either but fuck if I will ever side with nazis.

People are seaking solace in new ideas that are actually quite old, namely socialism and fascism that provide answers that democracy fails to. Capitalism eats itself and created monopolies and unfair wealth distribution, technology is making human labor obsolete and therefore not a stable means to base our economic system on, those with wealth are hoarding it and trying to separate themselves from the world they helped ruin. We are destroying the planet, running out of natural resources, many of our leaders in the last three or for decades have been flawed, there isn’t a universal safety net for things like natural disasters and pandemics and there are still places stripped of their natural resources where human slavery is prevalent and children starve to death. Neoliberalism has promised some great answer but has actually been the contributor to this entire mess.

We are seeing the beginning of the end now, and I am sure Morrissey isn’t going to waste that without putting himself in the victim shoes, the white traditional quintessentially Englishman of wit, who sees his beautiful world he grew up in disappearing in multiculturalism and seeing himself and the culture of old England as a dying breed, that needs to be preserved at any cost. He probably was on the fence about it for some time, weighing out his disdain for authoritarianism, having a bougouis experience with the seemingly left leaning media that he never managed to win over and called him out for his every misstep. I bet he had a friend who opened him up to the idea that we don’t know about who changed his mind. I bet cuts in taxes for the rich helped him preserve his wealth that he definitely feels entitled to after losing the first portion of it in the court case. He’s rich, famous and old and often times that leads to being quite out of touch, even to the best intellectuals. He lost his mother who was dear to him and I can imagine, even though it’s not political, it created a deep sense of emptiness and dis ease. Nationalism often times gives people a sense of security and identity and purpose. And the idea of having an unpopular opinion excited him just as it always has, gave him the opportunity to be the smug poet in the corner of the party, and he sold out. Hard. And he’s probably proud of it.

He’s irrelevant now. Honestly his latest album wasn’t good, and I like later Morrissey. He doesn’t have the same energy. I just feel like he’s grasping at something that he never fully ever had. What’s weird to me is that I’m writing about him like this when honestly, I could also easily write about how beautiful and meaningful the Smiths and Morrissey has been to me. I can’t explain how it cut through the extreme isolation I’ve been in, not to mention how the Smiths really changed music for the better. There’s always going to be a part of me that wants to defend him. I’m not saying we cancel him. I kinda think he canceled himself. I’m not going to try to not enjoy the smiths or morrissey when I hear him, and I will still hear it and enjoy it but I’m not ever going to spend my own money on filling his pockets. I still nostalgically enjoy the person he was a very long time ago and what he used to represent. I realize at the end of the day he’s just a flawed person. But also fuck fascism, and fuck Morrissey for caving into it.

I mean, at the end of the day the hardest part is that I made him a part of my identity and I just had to stop doing that in a simplistic way. I tossed out a morrissey shirt I had (it’s was a cheesy shirt anyway), and I found new genres of music and while I still love the smiths it’s not like I can’t do without them every day. I break down and listen to them sometimes. I know the songs so well. I listen to Xiu Xiu which is a modern day similar equivalent in some ways but is absolutely better and the singer Jamie Stewart is fucking gold.

#morrissey

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awastelandheart · 5 years ago

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Sebastian’s personality analyzed through his theory-crafted natal chart: The perspective of a professional astrologer.

PART ONE: SUN SIGN.

i apologize in advance to any capricorns i unintentionally read to filth in this post.

i think out of all the bachelors & bachelorettes, Sebastian has the oddest, most abrasive post-marriage dialogue. i’ve heard plenty of people over the years complain about how awkward being married to him is & i, myself, tend to not marry him when i play since locking him in pelican town like that when he so clearly wants to leave feels bad. even before marriage as well, he has a lot of almost cringey & certainly concerning dialogue. Sebastian’s not a man that’s made for marriage or long term relationships i think, at least not in his early to mid 20s which is how old i believe he is in canon. unlike the rest of the bachelors & bachelorettes, his character arc & development don’t do much for melding him into someone worth being with. even Shane who is troubled in a much more obvious way than Sebastian has more moments of reflection that convince the player that he’s a good person despite his flaws. Sebastian may seem to be gentle in his internal struggle, it’s easy to believe that, at most, he’s rude & depressed, but i think there’s a lot more to unpack here that suggests he’s violent, angry to an awful degree, & possibly the worst marriage candidate, if not just the worst townie out of the whole cast.

to start off with, i believe Sebastian’s sun sign is Capricorn. my reasoning for this is a blend between a post on reddit i found that used a simple algorithm to convert the in game dates to real dates. taking into account the slightly flawed method that gives each date 2-3 days worth of wiggle room, “ january 17th ” implies he’s on the Capricorn side of january. to be honest, when i was first thinking about what sun sign i wanted Sebastian to have, i was leaning towards Aquarius since he has several lines about escaping the town & wanting his freedom ( both being very Aquarius-like qualities ), however i think the case for Capricorn is much easier to make. to start off, i’ll give a run down of the most defining Capricorn characteristics, then i’ll move onto showing in-game examples of how Sebastian demonstrates these traits ( while leaving room for his other natal positions that i’ll extrapolate on in more posts to come ).

Capricorn is an earth sign, reveling in stability with a handful of almost toxic traits to display if that stability isn’t achieved. ruled by saturn, or kronos if you wanna get greek, Capricorns are at a constant war with themselves between the general human experience & cutting out as much superfluous expression & feeling as possible. the story of kronos is very reflective of the Capricorn struggle: it’s the tale of a man ( god, but that’s not important ) whose wife is predicted to bear a child who will surpass him & take his legacy. kronos, in his anxiety to prevent this change, begins eating each of his wife’s children as they’re born until one day, his wife replaces one of the newborns with a rock so that it will survive kronos’ consumption. of course this leads to the child growing up & indeed surpassing kronos just as the prophecy foretold. the lesson to be learned from kronos is one of restriction & the inevitability of time.

between their earthly reliability & love of practicality, Capricorns are viewed as the traditional fathers of the zodiac sphere. they guard their values of yesteryear close to their chest. anything too different is cast far away from themselves or, rather, consumed until all traces are disposed of. thankfully not as stubborn as poor Taurus ( another earth sign ), Capricorns have a touch of adaptability in all their logic. their modality is cardinal, implying they take charge of situations. they are the leaders next to Cancer, Libra, & Aries: any good leader knows when to give up their morals for the betterment of their charge. to boot, Capricorn is represented by the mythological creature, the sea-goat ( a creature created by dear old kronos, himself, consisting of the torso of a goat & the tail of a fish ); the goat half delivering on that steady earthly nature of an unrelenting climb to the top of a mountain called life, yet the inclusion of the ocean in this aesthetic implying an amount of emotion only water signs can relate to.

in the typical male-dominated, fatherly way, however, emotional expression does not exist for Capricorns, resulting in this implied depth to lurk well below a Capriorn’s surface. they are deeply independent in a way that leads to intense loneliness. they must do everything for themselves, another thing lovely kronos has taught us here. why look for a different solution to this problem when i so clearly have found one for myself, the ruler of saturn proclaims. a Capricorn’s independence is almost panic charged in this way. they so dearly want to be seen as capable that they will shred their own livelihood as a price. they are masters at self control for it, each having taught themselves the art of stoicism from a young age. Capricorns are at best, friendly in a superficial way. knowing their loneliness is created by their own hands but never knowing how to move passed their own cold & distant heart to enact any change necessary to improve their relationships.

something that is often associated with Capricorns & the other earth signs is the act of earning money. while Taurus enjoys earning money to support their lavish, venus-ruled lifestyle & Virgo sees money as something to worry over thus resulting in them hoarding it, Capricorns crave for their income to be stable & plentiful in order to provide for their loved ones, or for the more lonely Capricorns, to provide for themselves.

saturn is the first planet to take a substantial amount of time to complete its cycle through all the signs. compared to earth, which takes one year to complete its solar rotation & jupiter which takes 12, saturn takes upwards of 30 years. we astrologers take that as symbolical for how Capricorns get significantly better with age, as well as their “ slow & steady wins the race ” attitude. Capricorn is a sign of wisdom but only at the hand of experience. young Capricorns frequently find themselves discontented with their environment & lifestyle, craving a stability that cannot exist without first having established themselves in the world. every seven years it’s said, a Capricorn reaches a new level of understanding & maturity, as it is about every seven years that saturn completes 1/4th of its solar cycle.

Capricorns, like Scorpios, love their privacy. regarded as one of the more shady signs of the zodiac, a Capricorn is the type of person to have everyone believing they know everything there is to know about them while simultaneously only ever revealing surface level knowledge about themselves. Capricorns love having friends & spending time with their loved ones, however they lack a sense of trust that would allow them to form deeper connections. while a Capricorn does experience their emotions as thoroughly as the rest of the zodiac, they have an equally intense insecurity about expressing them. a Capricorn lives their life wanting to be depended on or at least wanting to provide for those that do depend on them. emotions are seen as a weakness that cannot be spared.

with the basic personality of a Capricorn outlined, i’ll now go through some choice quotes that demonstrate these traits & then talk about a few parts of his heart events that do the same.

“ if i just disappeared would it really matter ? ” “ i was thinking... people are like stones skipping over the water. Eventually we're going to sink. ” “ what am I going to do today ? probably nothing.”

when the player first meets Sebastian, he is overtly depressed & never goes out of his way to hide it. there is a solemn dark cloud filled with rain, ready to burst constantly following him & it’s difficult to ignore. this seriousness is very characteristic of many signs, Capricorn being one of them as it is ruled by Saturn, an outer planet with a very melancholic tone.

“ hey, don't let me stop you from getting your work done. if you aren't busy i don't mind if you stick around. ”

this quote demonstrates the productive mindset of a Capricorn. compared to all the other bachelors, Sebastian is the only one to ever really consider the player’s work schedule.

“ i was so close to screaming at mom for throwing away my old comic collection ... but something stopped me. hmm ... with age comes wisdom. ” “ the older i get, the less i'm drawn to the city. ” “ sometimes i feel so angry ... but when you show up i always start to calm down. maybe i'll mellow out with age. ”

while these quotes are also depicting other personality traits, for now i want to emphasize Sebastian’s constant referencing to the passage of time. time is always on a Capricorn’s mind, even the less self aware ones always feel the effects of its passage harsher than other signs. after dating & at points in marriage, which is when these quotes are from, Sebastian begins to view time as something more positive & optimistic. he recognizes that he has anger issues, at the very least, & hopes they’ll get better as time goes on. it’s quite the feat to make a Capricorn see growing older as something positive instead of something anxiety inducing, so from this alone we can really tell that Sebastian is absolutely in love with the player, without a doubt.

“ i couldn't sleep last night so I went for a night ride on the motorcycle. i need to stay independent, even though we're married. that's just how i am. i still love you, though. ” “ hey ... want some coffee ? i needed some ... woke up early from a nightmare & i just couldn't fall back asleep. ” “ hey. i couldn't sleep last night so i took a walk to the caves. ” “ i'm going to take a walk today. i need some time to myself. i'll see you in the evening. ”

Capricorns tend to be almost predisposed to sleep issues due to their immense amount of anxiety that comes with the disconnect between productivity & incapability, or craving emotional connection & viewing emotions as unnecessary. Capricorns are also fiercely independent, so independent that it’s no surprise Sebastian’s the kind of person to sneak out of bed & go off alone when feeling anxious instead of waking his partner up for comfort.

“ i don't want to get soft now that i'm a married guy. maybe i should start eating more hot pepper & working out ? just an idea ... ”

while i’d also be willing to chalk this expression up to Sebastian being anxious about not passing as masc, i’m also willing to attribute this to a Capricorn being afraid of time passing & “ missing out ” on life. growing soft can be a fear of a sign so dedicated to seeming tough & dependable.

“ i don't really feel like doing work today. maybe i'll see what's on tv. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. ” “ i'm debating whether i should work or just read comics all day. ” “ you know, i should be doing something productive right now. i just lose focus too fast ... maybe i should drink more coffee ? ”

Sebastian references his work so frequently, in typical Capricorn fashion because the urge to justify one’s pleasures by mentioning the fact that they’re also being productive is something ever-present. they are a very guilty breed; on top of their other burdens, they feel especially bad for moments of relaxation or times when they should be doing something, but cannot bring themselves to.

“ you’re probably making a lot of money on your farm, huh ? i guess i should get a job soon … ” “ we should raise more slimes. in big quantities they can be really profitable. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. i was actually brainstorming some ideas for a game i want to make. with your farming income, i can afford to do what i want with my life. it’s pretty amazing. thank you. ” “ hey. look at me. never forget that i love you ... you’re everything to me. now go make us some money. ” “ are we doing okay on money ? i don’t want to have to sell my laptop ... ” “ *sigh* ... if gas wasn’t so expensive i’d ride my motorcycle to the city today. so what do you do when you aren’t working ? ”

Sebastian talks SO much about money & to me, it’s really hard to imagine concernedape didn’t intentionally make him a Capricorn with this much dialogue about income when no other bachelor or bachelorette has any mention of the topic ( except for harvey who mentions he’s afraid he’s not bringing in enough money from the lack of people in town ). the biggest one that jumps out at me to really signal a significant change in his personality after marriage is when he mentions having the freedom that comes with a steady income, a freedom that now allows him to do what he really wants which is, apparently, to make a video game. another one that jumps out at me here is his immediate association with feeling like he should get a job after assuming the player is making a lot of money. since income is such an important subject for Capricorns, it’s easy to imagine Sebastian feels inferior in comparison to the player since he’s “ just ” a freelancer.

“ i often felt unappreciated at home ... but here i feel like i really belong. ”

this quote kind of hits Capricorn’s need to be appreciated & useful directly on the head & is a good transition for me to talk about the fact that Sebastian never progressed very far in his career while living at home with his family because he felt unappreciated. compared to how he almost immediately has a dialogue line after marriage where he tells the player he’s been inspired to make a video game, it’s easy to see the almost instant maturity Sebastian obtained just from moving out; something he had assumed was in the far off future, implied by his heart scenes.

now let’s break down Sebastian’s heart events.

his first heart even opens with him busy working, already a very Capricorn setting honestly, as i’ve said a few times now since Capricorns are prone to productivity. Robin enters after a moment & informs Sebastian that Abigail is looking for him, to which Sebastian responds to ask if his mother had informed Abigail that he’s working. Robin says that while she had, Abigail still intends on visiting Sebastian at some point today. Sebastian’s next piece of dialogue is very important.

“ *sigh* no one takes my job seriously. ”

this is an incredibly Capricorn thing to say, both because Capricorns always feel the need to be taken seriously & also due to their signature insecurity about income.

the scene continues so that the player can ask Sebastian what his career goals are. he explicitly says: “ well, i’m trying to save up so i can move out of here. probably to the city or something, ” which by itself is obviously very Capricorn, both nailing their need for income, their constant validation that they deserve what they want, & their desire for independence, however his dialogue continues for another textbox that contains the most Capricorn lines i’ve ever heard.

“ you know, if i went to college i’d probably be making six figures right now … ”

Sebastian is so very & obviously obsessed with money, it’s crazy to think he’s any other sign but Capricorn. this portion of the heart scene ends with him saying,

“ but i just don’t want to be a part of that corporate rat race, you know ? ”

this dialogue i’m willing to attribute to another one of his signs at a later date in another post, but in my experience, i’ve known several Capricorn suns that feel the same: that while they strive for a stable income, they hate participating in capitalistic culture.

this first heart scene ends with Sebastian dismissing the player, saying he “ has to get this module finished by tomorrow, ” indicating he has a very set schedule when it comes to his work. organization being yet another characteristic trait of Capricorn.

Sebastian’s second heart scene opens with the player catching him working on his bike. after a moment of introspection, Sebastian starts talking, again, about how when he saves enough money, he’s going to get out of the valley, just him & his bike. this scene doesn’t have anything specifically Capricorn about it & i plan on revisiting it when i talk about his other placements.

likewise, Sebastian’s third & fourth heart scenes don’t have anything outrageously Capricorn in them -- in fact neither scene tells us very much about Sebastian in particular aside from pointing out that he likes tabletop games ( which obviously isn’t exclusively Capricorn by any means, but i’ve known so, so many Capricorn suns that have been hardcore into dnd over the years ... ) & has social anxiety. i’ll most likely dip into his fourth heart scene a little more when i talk about his other placements, though.

Sebastian’s fifth ( & final before marriage ) heart scene is, of course, important, & probably the most memorable for anyone who’s played Sebastian’s route, but it honestly doesn’t tell us much about his core personality. what it does tell us is how he acts & feels when he’s in love, so i’ll definitely come back to this scene when i talk about his venus position.

& that’s on his heart scenes !

so, in summary, i believe Sebastian has a Capricorn sun because he shares many qualities with how astrologers perceive the position. of course this is all just my personal interpretation, but i hope this was an interesting read & shed some light on the kind of person Sebastian is !

#stardew valley rp #stardew valley #stardew valley meta #stardew valley headcanon #stardew rp #i seriously apologize to any capricorns i called out with this #i want u all to know i have a 4 position capricorn stellium so #by writing this i also called myself out #🐸 did i even make a sound? it’s like i never made a sound ― about.#ok to reblog!!

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wonderlustxennial · 4 years ago

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Thoughts on TFATWS Season 1, Episode 3

This shit has gotten ridiculous, so I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing reaction posts, rather than posting 20 individual observations. The following was written after my second viewing.

DISCLAIMER: Some of these are my observations, but others I didn’t notice until my favorite YouTube and Tumblr analysts pointed them out. I’ll try to drop credit where it’s due.

NOTE: There’s something I wish more people were talking about, and it’s down in the Madripoor section. If I’m reading this wrong, I would appreciate getting some help in seeing it. So, if you’re game, please check it out and let me know your thoughts. (#tw:racial bias)

[spoilers below the cut]

Walker Raiding the Flag Smasher Sanctuary

Here we get a further illustration that Walker not a defender; he’s working in the interest of fascists. Also, he’s on an invisible countdown to flip his shit. ALSO-also, dude just told the GRC cops not to give anyone “a second…to breathe.” (Marvel, what are you doing? I am not accustomed to relevance from you.) Did you notice the juxtaposition of Bucky asking the cops, “Don’t you know who he is?” to get the cops to stop harassing Sam, against Walker asking, “Do you know who I am?” while roughing up a refugee for not cooperating with him? Same asshole move, very different contexts. Anytime someone thinks it’s a good idea to say, “Do you know who I/this am/is?” they’ve already lost face.

Zemo in His Cell

Clearly, I’ll have to get better about zooming in on stuff, because this is the first time I’ve seen anyone catch that the book Zemo is reading in his prison cell is about Machiavelli AND Leonardo da Vinci; specifically, about how their friendship and exchange of ideas was highly influential on the future of the world. So, does Zemo think he’s Machiavelli or da Vinci, AND who is his “silent” partner? [I didn’t notice that, until The New Rockstars pointed it out (at 04:00 https://youtu.be/xHXhbw_EGL8) annnnnndddd now I’m going to have to read that fucking book (Fortune Is a River: Leonardo da Vinci & Niccolò Machiavelli’s Magnificent Dream to Change the Course the Florentine History by Roger D. Masters, and the bump in book sales is about to have Masters owing Marvel BIG TIME).]

Zemo Is “Royalty”

And here we have my first problem with this episode. BARONS ARE NOT ROYALTY. They’re nobles—low-ranking aristocracy. But do you know what does check out? Zemo and his butler’s thinly veiled distain at entertaining the two low-born Americans.

On the Plane

Look out, y’all: Satan just took the wheel.

THE NOTEBOOK/S

If Bucky has Steve’s notebook, what happened to the one he had in Romania? In CA:CW, I was stressing throughout that WHOLE fight and chase sequence that followed Bucky running from his apartment; not for his safety, but because I hated how vulnerable it left him to have to run without his notebook. I’m not even kidding. Because Steve picked up that notebook, right? Did he think to take it with him? Surely, an embassy or intelligence service swept Bucky’s living space afterward, so who has it now? THIS is the shit I obsess over. Who has that fucking notebook? WHO??!

TROUBLEMAN

There are at least three different things at play here. First, Sam’s enthusiasm and nostalgia for this relic made me tear up a little. He was so hopeful that Bucky would share Steve’s appreciation this classic piece of socially aware art. Second, we get more evidence that Bucky might be having a harder time adjusting to life as a white man in the 21st Century than we’re led to believe Steve did. Third, we know from Zemo’s interactions with his steward just seconds before that, when he praises Troubleman, what he’s actually doing is virtual signaling to build trust with Sam and put Bucky on the back foot. Fourth, I don’t think Sam knows for sure if Zemo appreciated it as much as it says, but he intuits enough about Zemo’s character to be aggravated at the inference they might have something in common; or, that Zemo might be manipulating him to empty rapport. (RIP, Marvin Gaye. You weren’t done.)

DAS OFFENE NEIN IN DER LIEBI

The New Rockstars win again. (Seriously, I have to start paying closer attention.) A book using mythology to explain the psychology of relationships, just before Zemo namechecks Red Skull. Oh shit, y’all.

ZEMO’S PHILOSOPHY ON SYMBOLS & POWER

The slipperiest thing about Zemo is that nearly everything he says has a kernel of truth; you just have to dig out what his true intentions are. Honestly, this is what makes him…I don’t know that he’s the most dangerous villain in the MCU, but it certainly sets him apart. He’s both educated AND smart (the latter doesn’t necessarily follow the former), and he’s particularly insightful in his ruminations on power and its potential to corrupt both the people who hold it and the people who admire them. Bucky and Sam both loved Steve deeply and believed wholeheartedly in the capacity he served as a defender; however, they have a tendency to over-romanticize both. Multiply that problem by the millions who never personally knew him and, when he’s gone, you get…fake!Cap.

More Relevance from Marvel

I read that Marvel had to do reshoots because a few of the themes in this show hit a little too close to home after the pandemic hit (also because the Black Widow movie was supposed to hit first, but again…global fuckery, so they had to shuffle a few plot points.) But also, refugees? “Displacement” camps? Hoarded resources? You don’t say?

Madripoor

Or “When Murder-Sugardaddy Goes Slumming with His Awkward Sugarbabies and Heinous Fuckery Most Foul Ensues”

AT THE CLUB

THE POWER BROKER. THE POWER BROKER. THE POWER… Soooooooo. Many. Name drops. At this point, I don’t even care to speculate on the identity of the mother-fucking Power Broker. Just surprise me already.

And here’s my (potential) second problem with this episode: The Black bartender doesn’t recognize the Black man he’s presumably seen before.

A CAVEAT TO START: I bartended very briefly in one of my many former lives. I was terrible at it. But here’s what’s relevant for the moment: when you work in the service industry, you meet a lot of fucking people, and you don’t necessarily remember them all. I would work giant events where I would serve 1,000+ people in a night, and people would complain all the time that I was carding them even though I’d served them previously. (1) I live in a state where alcohol is highly controlled, and the ABC Board is zealous about doing stake-outs to catch vendors serving to minors. The ABC Board enforcers would only see me serving someone without having carded them first—not all the times I served them previously. None of these people were EVER worth going to jail for over alcohol. Get your fucking card out—EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME. (2) Dude-man-bro, I’ll have served 1,000+ people by the end of the night. Get your fucking card out, EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME.

I’m not saying this bartender in a rogue nation should’ve carded all of his patrons; I’m only saying that when you work in the service industry, you can sometimes serve someone 20+ times before you finally recognize their face or learn their names, and the process can start all over again if they haven’t come in for a while.

Here’s the real issue with this scene, as I see it: In-group bias is an actual thing. There are disciplines of social psychologists and sociologists who specialize in studying it. We’re supposed to believe that the “Smiling Tiger” person Sam is posing as is well-known enough, both by reputation and in that establishment, that the bartender remembered his favorite drink but not Sam as an imposter? I can believe Selby, a Caucasian-European woman, didn’t recognize him on-sight. [Frankly, Whites can often (regrettably) get away with not making any effort to overcome cross-racial bias.] But what about this bartender not recognizing a notable local criminal’s face when they belong to the same racial group, when we’re led to believe he’s served him many times before? And how did he know Tiger-whatever’s favorite drink if the guy had never been in the club? Are we to infer this guy wasn’t high enough on the local criminal food chain to have merited an introduction to Selby?) Is this a plot hole, or am I reading too much into this? I just wonder, given how much this series has devoted to exploring racial relations.

Sam just saw Bucky the most vulnerable as I think he ever has. For the first time, very little was left to Sam’s imagination as to what it must’ve been like for Bucky and Isaiah to have been exploited. And Sam is so good, he can’t help but jeopardize the mission to check on the friend he can’t acknowledge to himself he’s found in Bucky. (He also has no guile, which is so very Steve of him! I’ve just loved Mackie’s performance this whole show.)

I don’t know what to think about how easily it came to Zemo to objectify and use Bucky, again—even if only to pretend.

Bucky is the MCU character I most identify with, but I don’t care to analyze the way the bar scene made me feel. I will say this much, though: THIS is how badly Bucky wants this whole thing resolved. He subjected himself willingly to the stuff of his nightmares, even if to just to perform in the world’s most dangerous live-action role play. As many people were taking pictures in the bar, it’s pretty safe to say that this charade is going to going to have long-term consequences.

People are talking about Bucky “suddenly losing his super-speed” when they had to hoof it away from the bar like it’s a lapse in characterization, but it’s not. Bucky could’ve taken off and left both Sam and Zemo sucking dirt, but he lagged to stay with them. He didn’t ghost them.

SHARON IS A BLACK-MARKET ART DEALER

Godammit. I despise the practice of the filthy rich removing fine art and cultural artifacts from the public view so they can use them for tax breaks and currency. Way to push my buttons, Marvel! And I’m so sure the National Art Gallery of Art and all other art museums worldwide will I mean WON’T appreciate Marvel calling into question the authenticity of their collections, seeing as museum funding and attendance is already anemic thanks to the pandemic. I know it’s bad priorities on my part, but that’s temporarily preempted how much I should probably sympathize with her after her abandonment.

EDIT: The person who gave Sharon the intelligence will figure she had something to do with his demise just a few hours later. I wonder if that will help/harm her ability to do business. Also: holding the barrel of that assault rifle while it fired off rounds should’ve burned her hand horribly.

ZEMO BREAKS THE INTERNET

Did anyone else think “Sprockets!” when Zemo started dancing??!

NAGEL

This is two references to Langley in one episode. For anyone not aware (especially non-Americans), “Langley” is commonly used to reference Langley, Virginia, which is where the most prominent institution is the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.) headquarters. Both Hoskins and Nagel name dropped them in the same episode. Shit.

The Sugars Roll Up to Zemo’s Latvian Bolthole

Bucky’s mission just got a helluva lot more complicated. Sam might have bought the “just going for a walk” bit, but I doubt Zemo did. Bucky owes the Wakandans, but he still needs Zemo. Oh, boy.

Wrap-Up

I’m going to keep coming back to how unexpected it’s been to me that Marvel has finally started to course correct, focusing on characterizations and bringing in themes that are relevant to current events. WandaVision’s explorations of Wanda’s mental health and Monica’s forging of her new identity and TFATWS trying to engage with the audience on topics like race, violence, exploitation, and identity is hugely compelling to me. It’s a fucking TV show, but at this point in popular cultural history, I can’t think of anyone/anything else better positioned to address all of this in an entertaining and accessible way.

#entertainment #mcu #tfatws #spoilers

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brighthappybird · 5 years ago

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Obey Me OCs

Honestly, I’ve been debating on posting the profiles for these babs. Mostly because, I can’t really draw to save my life. I write and I’m proud of my writing. With that out of the way, I would like to introduce my three characters: Hyacinth, Lunaria and Rivea

Honestly, if anyone else would like to know more about them, I’m more than happy to answer things!

Also! If anyone wants to add me on Obey Me! My friend code is - 3994909923

Anyway! Here they are!

Hyacinth - (Demon; Demon of Devil’s Trill) Hyacinth is the son of the former demon, Belial. (where did he go? No one knows). Rather the Demon of Music. Honestly, rest in piece to anyone who meets him. He is someone that enjoys fun and loves having it. Though for a time, he was a demon that was mostly summoned by musicians and other artists alike to make a pact with him so they could be remembered. The souls that he collects does not get devoured, as the demons have stated in the story, if anything - he preserves this souls in crystals letting their fire continue to shine almost like little trophies or lanterns.

Though despite being this happy go lucky being, he does take his rank in demon society rather seriously, often times, putting on a facade and “acting” like an adult in public. Unless he has a kazoo, then everything is over with. He plays a variety of musical instruments, things he has picked up from the humans over the years (until the portal was effectively shut). Also his younger sister, Lunaria, likes to take his credit card so she can go shopping. The way she does this is, well, reminds him that he has lost his golden violin to a country boy in Georgia a long long time ago. Granted, he got it back, but it still hurts.

Lunaria - (Demon; Mother of Siren’s/Demon of Siren’s Song) The bratty younger sister of Hyacinth and the daughter of the former demon, Belial. Like her brother, she is gifted in the musical arts as well, but for a different reason. Much like the Sirens, she has a hypnotic singing voice - one that could put someone to sleep, incapacitate someone for a long period of time (think, hibernation), but both cases leaves an individual vulnerable. Though despite her abilities, she is prim and proper, loves fashion and rarely uses her abilities.

She is the younger sister to Hyacinth, and honestly, the more bossy one between the two of them. When she knows she wants something, she will try and find a way to get it. If it proves to be too difficult, she just settles for something similar. Material wise. There have been times where she has reminded him of when he lost his golden violin and ended up shutting himself off in his room, but that is a tale for another day.

Rivea - (Human) You know how sometimes when you put money into a vending machine and sometimes you get an extra drink when you only wanted one? Well, that’s unfortunately, Rivea. Accidentally summoned for the exchange program, Hyacinth has hoarded her way until he was made to give her over. Though despite her rocky start in Devildom, she demeanor is that akin to a worried mother. Often times asking if Hyacinth or Lunaria have ate their meals, making sure they’re getting enough sleep, scolding them if they haven’t done something they were meant to do.

There is more to Rivea’s story, I just don’t want to bog up this post with more information! Thank you so much for reading!

#OBEY ME #obey me mc

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popculty · 5 years ago

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Surviving the Coronapocalypse: A Masterpost

Living in the current coronavirus capital of the U.S., I’ve been thinking a lot about how woefully unprepared my city was, and how I can help other people who will likely be in the situation we’ve been in within the next few weeks or months. There have been a LOT of posts - from memes to crap advice to solid advice to a misspelled hashtag that somehow blew up without anyone noticing. It’s been all over the place and kind of overwhelming, honestly. So instead of reblogging a million individual posts, I wanted to consolidate some of the most useful information/resources I’ve come across into one handy, update-able reference post. And because this a pop culture blog, there’s gonna be plenty of that sprinkled in. This isn’t going to be an exhaustive list, by any means - that would be impossible, considering how many angles there are to this thing and how quickly it’s evolving. But feel free to use this as a starter, and add to it as you come across other resources worth sharing.

First, protect your health:

1. I can’t believe in the year 2020, 150 years after germs were discovered, that we have to even say this, but: Wash your hands, people. This seems obvious, and we hear it constantly, and yet I keep seeing people use hand sanitizer like it’s the same as hand-washing. Not-so-fun fact: IT ISN’T. Not even close (so double fuck this guy!). First of all, it’s only effective against some types of germs. Secondly, it does NOT kill or remove those germs, it just temporarily neutralizes them, allowing them to resurface later. Hand sanitizer should only be used when hand-washing is not an option. It’s better than nothing, but is not a long-term habit that will save you. If you are going to use hand sanitizer, it needs to contain at least 60% alcohol to be effective. Alcohol, however, dries the fuck out of your hands, and germs love dry skin because they can hide in the cracks. So it’s important to moisturize afterward. But I’ll say it louder for the people in the back (esp. men who still haven’t figured out how bathroom hygiene works and then wonder why they’re dying at much higher rates from this): JUST 👏 WASH 👏 YOUR 👏 DAMN 👏 HANDS! 👏 Scrub for 20-30 seconds, like Kristen Bell told you. There are a million memes for this. Find one that speaks to you, or make your own, and use it.

2. “Social distancing” - By now we’ve all heard of this, and it’s a good thing for everyone to start doing right about now, regardless of whether or not you are feeling symptoms, because as Idris Elba just reminded us (bless), many people do not show symptoms, for weeks or even ever. So: try to stay six feet away from other people as much as possible. If you can’t avoid getting close to people, just make it quick. The latest info is that it’s not airborne (thank god), but transmitted via droplets (i.e. from coughing), so it really doesn’t matter whether you’re inside or outdoors.

3. And now a word from my infectious disease specialist mom who is working on the front-lines of this: 📣 If you have symptoms (fever, cough, shortness of breath), stay home and take care of yourself like you would if you had the flu. Do not go out in public unless you absolutely have to, (i.e. you are literally dying and require medical attention) and if you do, WEAR A SURGICAL MASK. IF YOU ARE NOT EXPERIENCING SYMPTOMS, YOU DO NOT NEED TO WEAR A MASK – THEY SHOULD ONLY BE WORN BY PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK/COUGHING (to stop those droplets), AND BY HEALTH CARE WORKERS. DO NOT HOARD MASKS FOR PERSONAL USE - THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY USELESS TO YOU AND IT DIVERTS THEM FROM THE DOCTORS AND NURSES WHO ACTUALLY NEED THEM. 📣 Thank you.

4. If you can stay home, stay home. Simple as that. Sure, flights are cheap and we all love a deal but at what cost, Becky?? Just because you can fly (you’re young! you’re healthy! you’re feeling lucky! you *hair flip* just don’t give a fuck!), doesn’t mean you can’t show some goddamn personal restraint and concern for your fellow (elderly, at-risk) human beings. If you won’t listen to me, listen to Wonder Woman. Participate in the #stayhomechallenge and #dontbeaspreader.

5. Inform yourself. The news is doing a really good job of sowing general panic and not much else. And obviously, the situation is literally changing everyday, but here are the basics you should know, via handy infographics. To keep up with the latest, I recommend this interactive map and Science Vs., an investigative science podcast that is currently doing a series of episodes on the ever-changing COVID-19 situation. It does a really good job of painting a picture of how this virus actually spreads, who is at risk, and what a pandemic would actually look like. The “Pandemic” episode of Explained on Netflix is also proving incredibly prescient right now.

Be a decent human being:

The truth is, if you know the facts, coronavirus isn’t actually that scary. What is scary is uninformed people acting impulsively and selfishly. Like, there is no logical reason for the run on toilet paper (coronavirus doesn’t even make you shit!). The reason there is no toilet paper in your grocery store is because a handful of excitable people panicked and bought up all the Charmin they saw. Then other people panicked when they saw the empty shelf and thought, “I guess I should be stockpiling tp too ??” So they did. Then other people came to the grocery store, saw the empty shelves, and posted pictures of those empty shelves on social media. And now everyone in the entire world is freaking out about toilet paper, for no goddamn reason. This scarcity (of tp, of Purell, etc), is a human-created problem, not an outbreak-created problem. Whereas, if everyone had remained calm and bought only what they needed, we could have avoided this entire headache. But people are gonna people, I guess. (If you’re still freaking out about toilet paper though, you should really just invest in a bidet, which is far more sanitary and better for the environment anyway.)

All this is to say: Think before you act. Stop tweeting pictures of empty shelves - you’re only fueling the fire. And don’t use the climate of fear and uncertainty as an excuse to act like a shitty person. When things return to normal, your actions right now will be remembered by those around you. So:

1. Take a look at this graph. If you’re healthy and young (under 60), don’t be a dick. Before you snatch every last roll of toilet paper or bottle of cold remedy off the shelf, considering leaving some for the grandmother behind you who’s probably terrified and has only just now risked leaving her house for this one grocery run, only to find the shelves bare.

2. Moreover, instead of getting swept up into the panic-buying and selfish hoarding, consider buying/delivering groceries for the elderly and at-risk, who are unable to leave their homes. Find out what volunteer opportunities have sprung up in your community to specifically address outbreak-related needs.

3. Donate to food banks - People who have been furloughed from their jobs will have an even harder time putting food on the table, and kids that depend on free school meals will still need to eat if their school is closed.

4. Support local businesses. Big businesses will weather this just fine, but your mom-and-pop store down the street? Your local grocer? They’re hurting already and might not be able to survive weeks or months of low sales or even closing down for a period of time. So...

Buy from local stores rather than big chains as much as possible.

If you are eating/ordering out, choose local, and especially Asian restaurants, who are really hurting right now, and because again: YOU CANNOT GET CORONAVIRUS FROM FOOD. YOU’RE JUST BEING RACIST.

If you don’t want to eat out at all right now (probably advisable), buy gift cards to local restaurants for yourself or others – This will support struggling business now when they need it, and then you can cash in on them when things calm down a bit.

Likewise, if you have tickets to a play, show, etc that gets cancelled, consider not asking for a refund and instead making that a donation to your local stage company, independent cinema, arts center, etc.

If you live in a city where a large event with many local vendors gets cancelled, find out if there is an alternative pop-up event to support those vendors, or buy from them on Etsy. Many artists and craftspeople depend on one huge, annual event like a fair or Con for their entire year’s earnings, so having that event postponed or cancelled is a huge financial blow to them. For example, when Emerald City Comic-Con got pushed til August, this lovely Twitter thread popped up to support the artists.

Maintain your sanity:

The other big thing we are starting to realize is that this social distancing is going to cause a loneliness epidemic in countries that are already some of the loneliest in the world. We don’t know how long these measures will be in place, so we need to prepare ourselves, mentally/emotionally:

1. Take a breath - Even worst-case scenario, this isn’t the end of the world. Try to keep perspective. Apps like Happify, Calm, or any of these can help keep obtrusive thoughts at bay, provide guided mindfulness meditations and breathing exercises, and help center you when you feel like the world is spinning out of control. This is likely going to be a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself and be proactive about your mental health.

2. Stay connected – We have more ways to keep in touch virtually now than ever before.

FaceTime, Marco Polo, Discord – Use technology to check in with your friends and family.

Podcasts are a great way to feel connected to others right now. Death, Sex, and Money just did a listener call-in episode, which was a good reminder that this outbreak is affecting people differently across city, state, country, race, class, gender, and ability. Another one of my faves that is going to be applicable to more people than ever in these coming months is The Hilarious World of Depression, in which comedians like Rachel Bloom, Solomon Georgio, and Margaret Cho talk about mental illness and comedy. In one especially relevant episode, Mara Wilson talks about how people with anxiety tend to handle crisis much better than neurotypicals (which explains how I’m so zen right now...)

3. Keep busy - Not being able to go out and socialize like we are used to is likely to make a lot of us stir-crazy. But there are a ton of things you can do and see from the comfort of your own home.

Go on a virtual museum tour, or see the Palace of Versailles.

Take a soothing, 8-hour virtual drive through Iceland.

Watch operas at The Met.

Explore NASA’s stunning media library.

Tackle your book list.

Start writing that novel (or finish that fic!)

File your taxes (Get that return!)

Do your spring cleaning.

Plant a victory garden to reduce the strain on producers and avoid crowded stores.

Binge the shows your friends keep telling you about (follow this blog and podcast for recs!)

If you have kids, here’s a list of all the free educational courses being offered right now.

Libraries may be closed, but you can still get free ebooks, music, movies and TV shows on the Hoopla app, and movies on Kanopy for free if you have a library card or are a student or teacher.

Some upcoming theatrical releases have been postponed (No Time to Die, indeed), but others, like Emma and The Invisible Man, will hit streaming platforms immediately, so you can still get your new movie fix.

So many things to do! Try not to see it as being confined, but rather as an opportunity to do all the things you’ve been putting off. If getting shit done makes you feel good, do it! But hey - remember that you really don’t have to be productive right now just because capitalism tells you to. This is also a great time to be still and relish doing absolutely nothing.

4. Perspective - Remember that this is not the only thing happening in the world right now (psst, the U.S. government is using this distraction to fuck with our privacy, AGAIN.) Also, this is not the first pandemic humanity has endured and it will be nowhere near the worst, so soothe yourself by reading about past pandemics and how we got through them.

Alright. Back to covering pop culture for me (we’re gonna need escapism now more than ever). I’m not gonna even try to update this regularly, that’s just too daunting. But I encourage you to add to this and share as needed in the coming weeks/months.

Stay safe out there, and

#coronapocalypse #coronavirus #resources #advice #health #self care #orig

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marcilled · 6 years ago

Photo

The Xylo ARG: a summary

Have you or someone you follow been getting cryptic asks like the one above? They always just say one of the two following things:

a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078 OR a303d61a-371-4b71-b45-9a9e65921078

Well, good work, you’ve managed to stumble into a new tumblr ARG which I’ve taken to calling the “Xylo ARG” or “Shiloh ARG”. I’ve already talked about this on my blog already, but I thought it might be a good idea to have a post summarizing what the hell is up with these asks and what the deal with this ARG is.

The main blog and focus of this ARG is here: @xylophonetic

If you haven’t already read my previous post about this, you should check that out. It includes some speculation and theories that I didn’t include in this post, most notably my theories about this string of characters being a UUID, as well as some observations that this hex number actually corresponds to 5 unique colors encoded in hexadecimal.

Since my previous post, there’s been some developments, but sadly I and the others I’ve been discussing this with over discord haven’t come up with any major leads, or if we have, they haven’t led anywhere yet.

That being said, I thought it might be useful to make a post summarizing some of what we already know about this. I’ve never done an ARG and don’t even really know much about them, but I was one of the people sent one of these asks so in a way I’m a small part of it now. I figured I’d make this post since I think I was the first person to really analyze what was going on here and notice that there’s an actual blog associated with these asks people have been getting. Obvs a lot of these discoveries weren’t made by me tho, I’ve not devoted much time to discovering things, there’s a few others involved in trying to figure this out too. (y’all, feel free to hop in the replies/reblogs if you want people to know you’re helping with this).

Anyways, let’s get onto the actual post. This might get lengthy, so it’ll be below the cut. Heads up- this post contains creepy imagery, depictions which might be described as “body horror”, as well as mentions of parental abuse. All posts referenced should have a link provided unless they were deleted before the creation of this post. Got it? Let’s dive in.

First off, let’s recap on how this all started, and how me and a few others came to realize that this was, indeed, an ARG we’re looking at. (Presumably, anyways- all of the happenings are too strange to just be the work of some crafty aesthetic blogger… probably.)

It all started with a couple of popular tumblr users getting asks like the one linked at the top of the post here. Just this cryptic hexadecimal string, sometimes with hyphens, sometimes without. It’s unclear how many people these anonymous asks were sent to, but if you look up the text you’ll find a couple other popular tumblr users that were sent the ask. It’s always anonymous, and I don’t know of anyone who’s received direct messages from the blog owner(s).

After pondering it a bit, I decided to look up the ask I got on tumblr, and noticed a blog which had this string of characters as its url. And that’s where things started getting interesting.

The blogs

The main blog relating to this ARG appears to be https://xylophonetic.tumblr.com/. Her URL has changed a couple times since we first discovered it, the url was originally a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078. From now on I’ll be referring to this blog/blog owner as “Shiloh”, as that is and has been the name stated on the blog. (Also- her pronouns are she/hers as mentioned here.)

There is also another blog relating to this story, which I hadn’t mentioned in the previous post (because at the time we did not know about it / it had not been created yet). This blog originally had the url a303d61a, but has since taken the previous URL that shiloh used: https://a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078.tumblr.com/

This new blog was originally titled “Safe?”, and doesn’t appear to have any name associated as far as anyone can tell, so from here on I’ll be referring to them as “safe”. It’s unclear if “safe” is a character that has been mentioned by Shiloh before, but it’s certain that they are associated with the ARG because they swapped urls with shiloh. At time of writing, the “Safe?” blog has had its title changed twice, first to a series of three emojis, then to an eye emoji. We will continue to call them “Safe” until there is a more appropriate name discovered/decided on.

There is also, technically, a third blog- this blog uses the URL previously used by Safe, and it appears that this blog may just be for keeping the url hoarded. However, there’s still some interesting things on this blog, and even some possible hints. The blog is https://a303d61a.tumblr.com/ and will go unnamed unless things begin to appear on that blog as well.

Okay, now that we know a bit about how this started, and what blogs to be on the lookout for, what is there to know? Well, if you take a look at Shiloh’s blog, you might not even realize what you’re looking at is a part of an ARG at first. From first glance, it honestly just looks like an average aesthetic blog. She reblogs lots of aesthetic type posts from various bloggers, a lot of which may not mean much in the long run, but some of the posts she reblogs do give a bit of insight on some of the different “characters” in this emerging story. However, she also sometimes posts very cryptic things- many original posts contain very strange and cryptic photos or text that’s been purposefully obfuscated or otherwise altered. The same string of text “a303d61a…” is present throughout the blog’s history. There’s also other posts from Shiloh that imply that she is (or, was) in danger, or that she was sick, that she’s afraid of certain other characters, etc.

So, these “characters”… who are they? There are quite a few distinct “characters” involved in this, some seemingly more relevant than others. I’ll give a brief overview of what we know about all of them, but first, I should say what is known about the central character here: Shiloh.

Shiloh

While we don’t know a lot about Shiloh herself, there are a few things we can say for sure. Shiloh likes to reblog things she likes or thinks are interesting, much like your run of the mill aesthetic blogger. However, she also posts her own strange, cryptic photos sometimes- often times with many filters and photo manipulation used to make them look strange or hard to decipher.

Shiloh seems prone to deleting posts often, for one reason or another- or posting things then rapidly deleting them. This has been noted to happen even late into the night without much rhyme or reason. The “Safe?” blog is sometimes used to archive some of these deleted posts, although not all of the important/noteworthy posts are actually saved in this way. Shiloh has even been shown to go back and frequently edit old posts, sometimes multiple times. Her (and the other blogs’) urls, titles, icons, blog colors and headers have been known to change at random.

She also seems to not have total control over her blog/account- she’s posted before about her url or icon changing out of her control, and seeming confused or upset by it. See here. She’s also posted before about how she’s “regaining control” and such.

As well, it seems that for a time, Shiloh fell ill with some unknown ailment. Or rather, unknown to her- “they won’t tell me”. It’s unknown who “they” is in this context, but Shiloh seemed sad that she could not see Nat any longer- and also that her mother was preventing her from going out due to this illness. Notably, after posting this, she posted “im not a monster im not”. Perhaps people, possibly her mother, were telling her her illness made her monstrous??

Yesterday evening (may 16), she posted that her fever is gone and she is doing better now. Perhaps she has recovered from her illness– although she still seems confused about what is happening.

Aside from those things, she has also posted a photo here, tagged as “#me”:

(original post)

There’s a lot of uncanny images like this on her blog, and I can’t include every one of them- but this is, supposedly, Shiloh. There’s also another post in her “#me” tag, but it is simply a reblog of some art. Not sure if it is important.

Safe?

I’ve covered most of what we currently know about Shiloh herself, but there are many other “characters” at play in this story. Most of these characters we only know about based upon things Shiloh has said about them, or posts she has tagged them in. “Safe?”, on the other hand, we only know about from their blog, and how they interact with Shiloh.

Safe is a bit of a mystery right now. It’s unclear if they(?) are even one of the characters mentioned by Shiloh or not, or if they are an outsider completely. Regardless of who they are, they seem hostile towards Shiloh.

Safe’s blog was not known until two days ago (may 15th) around ~4pm. When we discovered it, our initial thought was that the blog could be unrelated to the ARG itself, and it could potentially just be somebody who was following along and taking time out to archive the posts. Shiloh is known to delete posts sometimes after all, including ones that seem pretty important.

As time would tell though, it became clear that Safe is another actor in this story, although they seem to be even more mysterious than Shiloh.

Safe seems to reblog many of Shiloh’s original posts, sometimes adding tags or even editing the post in certain ways. We have reason to suspect that Safe is a malevolent force, as they have reblogged the photo of Shiloh and tagged the picture “#it”, in spite of her specifically requesting not to be called it. They’ve also reblogged posts from her that say “cold” and tagged it “freeze”, and a post saying “warm” with the tag “burn”, as if wishing harm on Shiloh.

Nonetheless, some of the most compelling clues we’ve gotten yet have come from the Safe blog. Particularly, it was the Safe blog which posted the following:

Sadly, the post was later deleted from both blogs, and there is no web archive of it, or fullsize versions of the right and left pictures. Here’s the fullsize of the center picture, though:

This post originally came from Shiloh’s blog, although I believe the images were not in the original post– Safe seems to have a habit of editing Shiloh’s posts and adding new things.

These pictures are tantalizing because of the caption: “room 371″. If you’ll notice, 371 is a subset of the string of text tying all of this together…

a303d61a-371-4b71-b45-9a9e65921078

The significance of this is currently unknown. However, there was some speculation that Shiloh may have been hospitalized due to her illness- these images do look somewhat like a hospital. However, this conflicts with what Shiloh herself has said- she is at home. So, what is room 371? We just don’t know, at the moment.

Another series of posts from Safe that just happened today only further the mysteries surrounding them. Today, they reblogged the post in which Shiloh said her fever was gone and edited the text to make it say “SHE MADE ME SICK”. It’s unclear who “she” is, in this context- but this seems important.

Also today, safe changed their blog title from “Safe?” to a series of three emojis- a safety pin, an old key, and a dagger. This is significant because of another thing I’ll bring up later. At time of posting, they’ve changed their blog title yet again to be just an eye emoji.

Beyond the posts about room 371, and other mysterious edits and reblogs of Shiloh’s content, not much is known for sure about Safe. There are some theories that Safe is actually Shiloh’s mother, or that they are a reflection of Shiloh’s inner thoughts and feelings about herself, but for the time being these are simply theories with not enough proof to back them up yet.

Other Characters (Nat, Melody, Zach, Brian)

Now, it is time to get into the other named characters in all of this. These other characters we only know about from things that Shiloh has said, or posts that she has reblogged and tagged in their name. For some characters, we only know of them at all due to her tags.

First, let’s start with “Nat”. Nat is one of Shiloh’s best friends, and clearly someone she cares about a lot. Shiloh was very sad when she could no longer see her after falling ill. A scroll through Shiloh’s Nat tag will show a variety of posts, although there seem to be some strong connections to love, tarot, and cats. Also, sometimes, space.

Something interesting to note is that in the tags of this post, Shiloh seemed to imply that Nat also has a blog, but “she changed urls”, and Shiloh doesn’t seem to know what her url is anymore, simply saying “weird”. While this is purely speculation, it’s possible that Nat’s blog could have been tampered with, in the same way that Shiloh’s was previously (possibly by the person who runs the Safe blog?)

After Nat, we have a minor character: Melody. It’s possible they could be more important, but right now, I can’t find any posts where Shiloh directly mentions melody- we only know of melody from various posts tagged with that name. Interestingly, one of the earliest posts on the blog (and an original post, too) depicts a pair of boots and is tagged as “#melody”. There’s a slight pattern of celestial bodies and plants, but nothing too significant to comment on here.

After Melody is another minor character: Zach. Here’s Shiloh’s #zach tag. A common theme here seems to be certain mammals (an opossum and a squirrel) and two pictures of pocket knives. Recently, Shiloh has posted that zach is a friend of hers. Other than that, not much is known of Zach.

That brings us to Brian- another interesting character. Here’s Shiloh’s #brian tag. There’s a few original posts here, with some cartoon characters dancing and hugging. There’s also the same pocket knives that zach was tagged in.

On the surface there might not seem to be a lot here about Brian, but in actuality I have reason to suspect that Brian may be Shiloh’s brother. I believe our first hint at this was this post:

It would make sense that her brother would be there at her home, albeit unexpectedly. Another post that re-affirms this hunch is this now deleted post:

the tag #brother was put alongside #brian here. Also, there is this post which also mentions there being a brother:

There may be other characters, as there are a lot of tags in use on the blog. However, these 4 are the most obvious ones, having names that are… just ordinary people names.

Mother and Father

Beyond the already named characters, there’s two more distinct characters mentioned on Shiloh’s blog- “Mother” as well as “Father”. There are very few posts about Father, but a great deal about Mother. I’ll just preface this right now by saying that Shiloh’s mother seems abusive and openly hostile/aggressive towards Shiloh. As for her father, not much is known of him, but he seems to be absent from Shiloh’s life, likely due to having divorced her mother at some point in the past.

If you take a quick scroll through her #mother tag, you can see that there is a strong association with birds. This seems like a very consistent thing- perhaps Shiloh’s mother is a bird. Or maybe she just connects her with birds for some reason. Either way, if there’s bird imagery, there’s a good chance that it relates to Shiloh’s mother (although there was one bird image tagged as #brian, too).

Some of the earliest posts on the blog make references to mother in this way, too:

Another motif in the photos tagged as #mother are glowing eyes:

As discussed before, Shiloh’s mother seems abusive. Here’s some posts showing Shiloh expressing fear of her mother:

As well as some recent posts from earlier today (may 17) which tell a lot about how Shiloh feels about her mother:

(source for the last one)

It has been stated that Mother doesn’t like any of Shiloh’s friends:

It’s also been shown that Shiloh’s mother tells her she can’t go out and can’t see nat anymore due to her illness. I also speculated earlier that her mother may have been the one to call her a “monster”.

Additionally, this cryptic original post is in the #mother tag:

full tags are #fear, #heart, #love, #mother, #love love.

There’s a lot of hidden text in this image, including the mysterious hex string, as well as phrases and words such as “fear of the heart of love”, “like anything”, etc. It is a bit hard to make out, and difficult to reverse all the filters done to make the text illegible to begin with.

Adding to the series of mysteries surrounding Mother, earlier today Shiloh posted a series of pictures that appear to depict a path to a river. When asked about them, Shiloh stated that “mom doesnt like the river”, and that “she thinks its dirty or something”. Curiously, she says that her mom is scared of fish.

There have also been some theories that Mother is the one running Safe’s blog, antagonizing Shiloh when she gets the chance. There’s credence given to this theory by taking into account this post, where Shiloh talks about having her blog changed without her control over it. In the post, you can see that her icon was changed to this image:

An edited version of the full photo remains on Safe’s blog. This is a photo that was created by a neural network (source), and contains many bird-like features, so we’ve taken to calling this picture “mother bird”. The fact that Shiloh’s icon was changed to this while the blog was not under her control seems to imply that her mother was the one messing with her blog. Considering how much urls swapped between Safe and Shiloh, it seems as though there’s a link between Mother and Safe, although, again, this is speculation.

There is also this post on Safe’s blog, which depicts feathers / knives side by side, along with a caption from Shiloh saying “she’s coming”:

The post is now deleted from Shiloh’s blog. Given the feathers/bird motif here, and referring to a hostile entity as “she”, it’s probably safe to assume that Shiloh was referring to Mother.

At the very least, we can say that both Mother and Safe are openly hostile/antagonistic towards Shiloh, if not the same person.

As for “father”, there’s only a few posts referring to a father, and only recently have there been any original posts. Shiloh seems to associate him with suited businessmen, and there are many posts implying that her parents had a very testy relationship. It seems as though they divorced, and now Shiloh’s father is no longer in her life. Aside from some possible resentment possibly stemming from him not being there any longer, it’s hard to say much about Father, other than that he’s not around any longer.

Other tags

There are many tags in use on Shiloh’s blog, many of them seemingly mundane, something you’d expect from any run of the mill aesthetic blog. Still, there are a few tags which incite some intrigue, or are worth speculating about.

One such tag is #home. Shiloh makes many references to “home”- never “my house” or “where i live” or any other word- only ever referring to it as simply “home”. The images in the tag are often very lush and green depictions of nature- they could just be pictures of landscapes, or sometimes they are pictures of humble cottages in the wilderness. Sometimes they can depict houses that are rotting and decaying. All these pictures seem to signify what “home” is to Shiloh, and I think that “home” is a specific location.

To back up this theory, there’s also the tag #camp. There’s not a lot in this tag, but it seems to evoke this feeling of some summer camp or something that Shiloh went to once perhaps. Maybe “camp” could come up again in later posts? I guess we’ll see.

There’s also the tag #you, which would seem to be the opposite of the #me tag. However, there’s just some songs and other various reblogs in this tag.

Misc. observations / speculation

The new(?) blog at the url https://a303d61a.tumblr.com/ may be otherwise empty, but the blog’s title and description are somewhat curious. As of time of writing, this is the entire contents of their blog:

My device doesn’t have a new enough version of unicode to support displaying some of these emojis, but the emojis in the title are:

safety pin 🧷 old key 🗝 dagger 🗡

The emojis included in the blog’s description are:

rainbow 🌈 tooth 🦷 scissors ✂️ wilted flower 🥀

Also worth noting, is that these three emojis were briefly displayed as the title of Safe’s blog earlier today.

I get the feeling that these emojis may be a pretty significant hint. Something that reinforces this suspicion in me is the fact that Safe made a post tagging Shiloh’s blog, similar to how this new blog made a post tagging Safe. However, the post Safe made includes a safety pin emoji, which is one of the three emojis included in this blog’s title.

This is purely speculation, so feel free not to believe me, or reinterpret it how you wish of course, but: Perhaps Shiloh’s blog is like a safety pin, holding the story as we know it together. But, what we really need to find is the key. The key will lead us further, until we find the dagger.

I also find the emojis used in the description curious, because Shiloh has posted pictures of scissors (actually, lawn clippers?) before. Additionally, Safe has made a post about teeth and eyes hurting before. Interestingly, this post was edited from the original– Shiloh’s post was about her mother seeming angry, but Safe changed it to say “teeth hurt eyes hurt”.

Another potential lead that @ skippsblipps discovered, was a pattern in this old post from Shiloh.

Aside from the obvious secret message mixed in amongst the text, there seems to be a pattern of when the “a303d…” string of text repeats, and when there is something other than the original “a303d…” string. In their words:

“if we count only where the code was exactly the original code, its 6 , 1 , 2 , 1 , 4 , 2 if we count where the code deviates, its 1 , 3 , 3 , 3 , 1″

There’s a chance that this post could be absolutely random nonsense, or that we were only meant to look for the words within the text, but perhaps there’s something more here.

Closing thoughts

I said it at the start, and I’ll say it again: I don’t know a damn thing about ARGs. And, hell, after spending hours compiling stuff for this post, I’m still pretty clueless about where this one might lead. My main hope with this post was to inform anyone who’s curious about this ARG about what we’ve discovered so far, as well as to fill people in who may have missed stuff.

Also, I’d like to apologize if this post jumps topics around a lot, or if it can be a bit hard to follow. Honestly I think that’s just a result of all of the different loose ends in this ARG being hard to follow themselves, although I tried my best. I had to keep updating this post as I typed it, because new posts kept coming in and new discoveries/speculation kept happening. So, sorry for any confusion.

Sadly, many posts on both blogs end up getting deleted, and never archived. That’s why I’ve taken the liberty to archive each and every single post and tag I linked to in this breakdown on the internet archive, which is also why this took hours to make this post because I had to ctrl+c and ctrl+v like a million times. If you notice any of the links I put in this post are broken, just paste the url into the wayback machine and you should at least pull up the archive that I took at the time of typing this post. I couldn’t archive every single thing on all these blogs, just the stuff that I thought was relevant.

If anyone else is inspired to hop in on this ARG because of this post, please feel free to add your thoughts/speculation in the replies, reblogs, whatever. Also please don’t expect me to answer all your asks & speculation, I did this post because it seems like nobody else is paying attention to this and I thought it was cool and deserved some time and attention. I fully expect people smarter than me to outpace me and discover all the secrets and that’s cool with me, I’m just along for the ride. I hope my post helped. Thanks for reading!

EDIT: I’ve made an update to this post here, go read it!

#xylo ARG #shiloh ARG #a303d61a3714b71b459a9e65921078 #a303d61a 371 4b71 b45 9a9e65921078

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