#also I just know that your psychotic boyfriend is going to die in the worst way possible

[aajjks]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

mommy issues!JK

you help set the table up for dinner and help your mother finish cooking while your father and jicheol sit in the living room and converse. you’re unsure how this dinner is going to go but you’re hoping by the end of it you’d be out the door and on your way to ilsan. speaking of ilsan—

“soo-min!! oh, my sweet girl. its been so long”

“hi mom! hi dad! hi—wait, y/n? is that you?! oh my goodness! look at you!!”

kim soo-min, your older sister by only a year yet looks exactly like you or more like your father with your mother’s eyes. the only difference is, soo-min received more grace in her childhood whereas your childhood wasn’t so merciful.

“hey soo-min” you say in a dry tone.

“oh c’mon. that’s not how you greet your older sister. come give me a hug”

reluctantly, you give your sister a hug and your mother is ecstatic to see the two of you ‘getting along.’ “aww how sweet” she coos. “minnie, y/n, come help me put the food out for supper”

after the short reunion with your sister, you both finish setting up the table that has a large variety of foods but before everyone takes a seat, jicheol has a special announcement.

“i know that we’re all happy to finally have y/n back home and there’s been some talk of ‘husband’ and ‘wife.’ so…” jicheol reaches in his pocket and pulls out a black box containing a diamond ring. “why don’t we make it official? y/n, marry me”

your eyes widen in horror while everyone around you is practically jumping for joy. this can’t be happening. this won’t be happening.

“no”

“excuse me?”

“i said no. i’m not marrying you jicheol”

“y/n” your mother says your name in a warning tone but you still insist on putting your foot down no matter the consequence. it’s like jungkook said, you have to face your fear and you will not allow them to control you like a puppet anymore.

“don’t ‘y/n’ me. i’m not marrying you jicheol. why in the hell would i marry my abuser when there’s someone in busan that actually loves and cherishes me”

“y/n” you mother warns you again.

“i’m not soo-min. you can’t control me and i won’t allow you to anymore—,” you’re interrupted by jicheol who slaps you so hard that you fall onto the floor.

“you know what, let’s take care of that issue right now. i was trying to be nice but you always want me to be the bad guy. you won’t be going anywhere, y/n and i’ll make sure of it”

jicheol stomps up to you and basically drags you to your bedroom to beat you even more. he punches you, kicks you, and as promised—to make sure you don’t run away, he takes your left leg and snaps it.

panting, jicheol says “there. now, i’ll ask again. will you, y/n marry me”

“y-yes!!!! yes, yes i’ll marry you” you cry out in pain. jicheol takes your hand and shoves the ring onto your finger that’s a perfect fit.

“i should leave you like this. you’re a selfish bitch who cares only about yourself”

“pl-please” you beg. “jicheol, please. d-don’t leave me like this”

“why shouldn’t i? you left me with a broken heart”

“b-because…you love me”

jicheol takes in your battered body and face. even with tears falling, you’re still beautiful. it’s amazing how you never cease to be angelic in his eyes whether you’re happy or in pain.

“that’s right. i do love you. i love you a lot. i’ll go get the stuff to put your leg back in place, okay?”

you nod your head.

“what do you say?”

“th-thank you”

“thank you what?”

“thank you sir”

when jicheol leaves, he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket.

from nara

where are you

I want to confirm yns whereabouts, send me the address so I can tell jungkook about how she willingly ran away from him with you. He will need proof.

to nara

the address?

this must be jungkook. don’t know how you got her phone but you aren’t getting shit from me 😂😂

just know that she’s in good hands

see?

[photo attachment]

~🫧

What the fuck?

“AHHHHH THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS WAY TOO SMART FOR HIS OWN FUCKING GOOD.” Jungkook slams his hand on the steering wheel

As he stares at the picture, he wants to break the phone. You’ve got a diamond ring on your finger, his grip on your hand is so tight-

There’s something really wrong with your ex- THIS WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HIS PLACE. This was supposed to be him and you.

This was supposed to be jungkooks ring on your finger. “HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND HER NOW? I NEED HER PARENTS ADDRESS. BECAUSE SHE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT HOW HE’S SO ATTACHED TO HER PARENTS!”

He tosses the phone back to Nara. “you’re actually fucking useless. This is your fault that she’s with that fucking abuser. But I’ll get her back and you’ll watch as I marry her and have a family.”

Jungkook gets out of the car. He’s so frustrated right now and his friend notices that.

“Hey how about chaeyoung?! she must know her parents address!!! Yn used to tell her about everything. I’m pretty sure she knows something.” Eunwoo suggests- and Jungkook gets the idea to call her.

“oh yes, you’re right is she must know her parents’ address and he’s in gwangju-she lives in here! Oh yeah I remember Alina telling me about this.” Jungkook reminisces.

He hardly takes out his own phone and calls chaeyoung, he did have her number because of the school Reasons.

Eunwoo is keeping an eye on Nara as jungkook waits for chaeyoung to pick up, and thankfully, she does pick up after 2 to 3 calls.

“H-HELLO? HI IT’S ME JUNGKOOK-don’t ask anything, but I need yns parents address. COME ON HURRY UP. I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME PLEASE. I’LL DO ANYTHING IF YOU TELL ME HER ADDRESS!”

[countlessrealities]

Send 🖤 and my character will answer about yours || Accepting !

@advnterccs sent: 🖤 { And the Mortys 👀 }

Attractiveness

repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words

"I-I know that we, uh, look the same, b-but...FM...I think he looks better than me. H-He's cuter, an-and I could stare at him all day. I-I wouldn't do that with myself. I-Is it weird? I don't know. An-And then there are times on adventures, w-when he's really ho-...I-I mean, badass and that makes me want...I-I really admired that, you know?"

Personality

grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible

"W-We're pretty similar personality-wise too, but...H-He's more level-headed than me. L-Less impulsive and kinder. I-I don't know how he does it, w-with everything we went through...B-But I really love that about him. I-It makes me feel calmer too. An-And safer. An-And he's so badass...uh, I-I already said that...an-and smart and I-I love his ideas. I-It's...we can talk for hours an-and I'll never be bored.",

Level of friendship

never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend

"W-We became best friends b-before getting together an-and I still consider him my best friend. W-We're dating, but w-we also kept the friendship part, y-you know? I-It just felt right. W-We can be friends and boyfriends. I-It makes us closer."

First impression of them

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them

"W-Well, I knew that he was me, s-so...we clicked very quickly. H-He was nice and funny an-and I finally had someone who really understood...I-I liked him since the start. F-For once I was glad that Rick had messed up."

Current impression of them

i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them

"I...T-There's not...I mean...H-He makes me happy. A-As I've rarely been. An-And I've never felt what I feel for him. I-It was a little confusing at first, b-but now I love feeling this way. I...I love being in love with him. I-I know, it's cheesy as fuck, b-but it's true. FM is wonderful, an-and I'm so lucky to have him an-and his affections."

[switchbrainedholylime]

A little more Renga for @emmettspeakz

Sitting next to Reki in English class was beyond awkward. Any kind of harmless small-talk Langa tried to bring in was shot down like a submarine missile. The worst part was that Langa barely knew any of his other classmates, so there was no one to turn to at school. 

Their teacher, an American woman named Ms. Boyer, was stood in the front of the class, “Kyan Reki!”

Silence. The American woman walked closer. “Read pages 23-27 of The Chronicles of Narnia.” 

“Oh, sure,” And with one mutter, Kyan Reki had just made Narnia out of to be the most boring place ever. He stood up, nearly tripping over the legs of his chair. He mumbled through the reading and then sat back down. 

“Langa Hasegawa, pick up where he left off.” 

“Right,” Langa looked down at the pages. “Edward followed Lucy into the wardrobe. He thought he was better than his siblings.” 

Langa continued to read the portion assigned out to his class and then sat back down. He looked over at Reki, “Hey, you did a great job.” 

“Hm,” Reki looked away. 

----------

After everyone was shuffling to go home, Ms. Boyer halted Langa from skating down the hallway. Her arms crossed. “Be real with me, what’s going on with you and Reki?” 

“Is it really that obvious?” 

“Yes. Now are you gonna tell me or not? Because I might know a person who could help you.” 

“Really,” Langa blinked. “Sure, what’s their name?” 

“They’re a middle school teacher. Follow me,” 

“A middle school teacher?” Langa asked. What could they know about me?  

------

In the staff room, Langa spotted a bound book with his name on the spine sitting on his English teacher’s desk. Curious, the Canadian picked it up and began to flip through casually until he came to a startling conclusion; it was a book about every detail of his life up to that point. 

It started off with his upbringing in Canada as as snowboarder and move back to Okinawa with his mother after his father’s death. It described him meeting Reki, working at the shop. It described his race with Shadow, Miya and ADAM to the T. It was the most in-depth analysis of it he’d seen. 

“Hasegawa, right?” A gruff voice interrupted. “My name’s Mr. Tsuchigomori. I see you’ve found your book.” 

“Y-Yeah, where did you even GET this?” 

“I run the 4pm library. One of the 7 mysteries of the old school building. I’ve only seen the description of those books change once in a hundred years; and it wasn’t pleasant.” 

“They tell the future, too?” Langa flipped through towards the back. He hadn’t seen much left to go after his challenge with ADAM. He turned to the last page that read: “DIES CUTTING HEAD ON ROCK WHILE RACING WITH ADAM”. 

Langa almost dropped the book on the floor. He was going to race with Adam in a week’s time. He was going to die in it? 

“I’d make up with that Reki kid while you still have time.” Mr. Tsuchigomori blew into his cigar. “You can try to prolong your life, but again, this book never really changes that often from what it originally predicts.” 

“But I’m terrible at smalltalk. Is there anyone you think could help me?” 

“Well, there is one person, and he also happens to be the only one who’s ever changed his fate. If anyone can help you, it’s him.” Mr. Tsuchigomori turned back to Langa. “Since you don’t have much time left, you’ll probably be able to see him, too.” 

“’Him’?” Langa asked. 

------

 Langa went into the old building that served as its middle school section. The blue-haired skater looked back and forth to make sure no one was looking. 

“Alright the coast is clear,” Langa bit his tongue and bolted into the girls’ bathroom. He was met with a green-tipped girl who was mopping the floor and a floating boy in an antique uniform. Was that from the 50s? 60s? Why was there a boy in the girls’ bathroom? 

Then again, I’M a boy in a girls’ bathroom. I shouldn’t judge. Langa breathed deeply. “Are you Yugi Amane, the one Mr. Tsugomori spoke of?” 

“Yep! I go by Hanako, now though...,” 

“I have one week left to prevent my death. I’d like your help to, uh...not do that.” Langa stated. 

“Wow, that’s a huge hurdle you’ve just thrown on me! I don’t know your name here, buddy! You didn’t even knock on my door or anything.” Hanako laughed. 

“I’m serious. The man I’m going up against has touched more underaged boys than a Catholic priest.” Langa sighed. “My name’s Langa Hasegawa.” 

“Well, if you say so I’ll have to oblige. Let’s see what I have,” Hanako reached into his pockets. “I mean, I’ve killed before, but right now I’m working on repenting for my sins.”  

Langa’s eyes widened. “Okay...,” 

-----

Hanako began following the blue-haired skater around the school, and it didn’t take Langa too long to piece together that no one else could see him. He chalked it up to him being a ghost.

“So this is your boyfriend?” Hanako poked Reki who was still ignoring Langa. “He’s a cutie!” 

“Hanako, leave him alone. Reki didn’t ask for you to touch his hair like that.” Langa ordered him. Reki then looked over at Langa in confusion.

“What’s going on with you?” Reki asked. “Did you hit your head?” 

“I tried the Hanako ritual all the girls talk about. Y’know, knock three times on the third stall in the bathroom, summon the ghost of Hanako, get three wishes.” 

“You went into the women’s bathroom, you perv,” Reki pouted.  

“He started following me--he’s right behind you!” Langa pointed at Hanako who was making a funny face behind Reki, sticking his tongue out. “No one else seems to see him!” 

“You’re really freaking me out here, bro.” Reki looked at him. “You gettin’ enough sleep here?” 

“I promise I’m not making this up.” Langa insisted. “Look behind you!” 

“I don’t see anyone.” Reki peered over his shoulder. 

“Dude, is that Canadian kid alright?” One of their classmates gossiped. 

“Maybe he bumped his head?” Another classmate whispered.

Langa hid his face as Hanako floated around him and began to play with his hair, pulling it into a ponytail. “There we go!” 

------

Bringing Hanako to S was...surreal. A schoolboy in a 1960s uniform floating around the abandoned factory.

“I think I remember when this place was active. I knew some classmates whose parents worked here!” Hanako looked around at the shell of a factory. “So whadda do ‘ere?” 

“We skate, but I’ve got to come up with a good excuse not to go up against ADAM.” Langa held his skateboard. 

“Hey, SNOW!” Miya and Shadow came up towards Langa as he was talking with Hanako. They were utterly confused. 

“You can’t see him, either?” Langa pointed at Hanako. 

“Ah, no. You’re talking to air.” Miya chuckled.

“Look, I got a ghost from school attached to me.” Langa explained. “He followed me here. His name’s Hanako. Hanako, the 7th of the 7 Wonders of my school.” 

“A ghost?” Joe blinked. 

“How foolish a fantasy.” Cherry scoffed.

“Do yah think SNOW got his head bashed in?” SHADOW asked. 

“Look, I have to come up with a good excuse never to skate against ADAM ever, because I read a book that has my entire life in it, including the future...and I die this Saturday night.” Langa pulled out a copy of his book from the 4pm library. 

“Whoa...this goes way back,” Miya flipped through the pages. His eyes widened as he got to the end with the skate with ADAM that would result in Langa’s death along with the dismantlement of S. “What...?’  

The sound of a familiar skateboard rolled past. Its rider was a hoodie-wearing Reki with a sullen-looking face. 

“Reki!” Langa put his hand on Reki’s shoulder. He looked up. “I’m not going to skate ADAM. I’ll stay home Saturday night to avoid him. Please, I miss you. This ghost is not substitute for your cheerful smile in my life! Please!” 

Reki’s eyes lightened. “So you won’t skate with ADAM?” 

“No, I promise.” Langa embraced his boyfriend in a long, close hug. “I’m sorry for being so selfish. I won’t take your love for granted anymore.” 

“Same. You’re my best bro, SNOW.” 

“You can call me Langa.” 

-------

That Saturday, Langa and Reki sat at home and watched some hilariously bad movies on Netflix. They ate popcorn and Hanako made the duo some plain, good ol’ fashioned homemade donuts. 

“So you wanna watch 50 Shades of Grey next or The Room?” Reki sat in Langa’s lap with a donut in his mouth as his boyfriend flipped through Netflix. 

“I wonder if ADAM’s noticed we stood him up yet.” Langa grabbed another donut. “Oh well,” 

“Man what I wouldn’t give to see that idiot’s face.” Reki laughed.

“Hey I got some candy from the Mokke, want some?” Hanako offered. 

“You mean those pink bunnies that pull pranks?” Langa took one of the candies and popped it in his mouth. “That’s good.” 

“I know I probably shouldn’t mention this, but I have a twin named Tsukasa and he asked if he could be let out of the school just to see what this ‘ADAM’ guy is like.” Hanako mentioned. 

“What’s your twin like?” Langa asked. 

“He’s...um, psychotic.” Hanako replied. 

------

Langa and Hanako slept over at Reki’s house. 

The following morning, they woke up and the newspapers read: Diet Member Ainosuke Shindo found stabbed to death in abandoned factory. Suspect still unnamed and unidentified. If you have any information, please contact the Okinawa Police Department. 

“Yeah, I figured that’d happen with Tsukasa.” Hanako shrugged. 

“So ADAM just got stabbed by a ghost.” Langa asked. 

“Well, I think my job here is done.” Hanako yawned.      

[kikiscastleinthesky]

THE SOKKASM ZUTARA

I’ve seen a lot of tumblr blogs that ship zutara and I decided that is time for me to open mine too. So, yes, I’m a zutara shipper. And for the time being, my posts are going to be dedicated principally to analyze the ships in ATLA. 

Disclaimer alert:  I’m not forcing anyone to ship zutara. And I won’t accept hate because I (and many others) may have a different opinion, If you are one of those persons I invite you to leave, don’t waste my time and yours, because I’m not even going to reply. Everyone has the right to ship whatever they like and want, without been mocked, harrassed and humiliated. 

Well... now that everything is settled: 3...2...1 go!

I’m starting with this small analysis, because every zutara shipper has been attacked on why zutara and zutara is horrible yada yada but, this ocassion I’m gonna use all the attacks we get and defend it. 

I. Zutara is way the worst toxic relationship:

You call Zuko the abuser, the toxic and the bad tempered? Then you     didn’t get a clue of his redemption arc.

You call zutara toxic for:

a)     giving your mother’s closure and final acceptance into the group?

b)     saving each other’s life?

c)     being the “leading co-parenting” of the group?

d)     support you when you’re about to beg for his uncle forgiveness?

II. The cave scene didn’t mean anything, and just think about it, they would never ever get along well:•      

  Of course, I misunderstood Zuko confessing his own grief, probably he just hates her.

When Katara opens to her mother sorrow like she never did with anyone was like no big deal.

 That part when she offers to heal his scar with SACRED water was totally illogical.

And being the first person who he let touch his scar really said to me that they were absolutely toxic.

 Yes, he betrayed her initial trust. And it hurt, but guess who betrayed worst? The man who for three years was his father. But nope, Iroh, should never forgive Zuko, for what he did. (Right? Katara was betrayed and she should bever have interest in him, so Iroh would never forgive his abuser, right?)

III. Zutara is about getting in love with your abuser:

The abuser love? When did Zuko abused Katara? When did he forced to do something she didn’t want? Did he ever physically abused her or sexually assaulted her? Even if he tied her to a tree, he never humiliated her, he never hurt her or overpass against her. Or are you trying to make up his whole plot to eliminate all his attacks towards team avatar only rest in the female character? (Have you forgot how he betrayed his uncle? Or even himself?)

IV. Zutara is an age gap, it would be underage thing. “You don’t like Aang because he is a child and still pair Zuko, being a minor.” You want to hypersexualize two kids (Aang and Katara) into having sexual interest.

Katara would have been dating an underage guy too. She would have been 18 and Aang 16. I know! Age gap only matter when the man’s older. Both Katara and Zuko had gone through puberty, and both were in adolescence, both shared the same maturity level. Yes dude, there a huge difference in being a CHILD and being a TEENAGER, yes, still minor, But with puberty hit already.

Actually, I still believe even being 11-12 you can get like a… spark… a hint. Even if its not a relationship whatsoever, and not having sexual interest of any kind. If you really want to see what closest we get to a “real” attraction and potential between kiddos that age, you get S1Mike and Eleven (stranger things) / you get Chihiro and Haku (Spirited away) / you get Pazu and Sheeta. (The castle in the sky) –Wooo, that really changes things right?

But yet there are people that believe shipping zutara is “pedophile” I thought in seriously not replying to this stupidities but, here I am, dismantling their theories.

So, this is real life. An adult person trying to sleep with a prepubescent kid. So… there is no support on this. Because a ship is about two fictional characters in a fictional story.

What about fictional pedophilia? Well, we can change that: Fictional pedophilia is a psychosexual disorder when you ship an adult fictional character (+18) to have a sexual interest in a fictional prepubescent child (-12) and / or attempt to engage both characters in sexual acts.

So step one… are either Zuko or Katara either an adult or prepubescent child? As you can see in the image at the right, both have gone through puberty. Step two, are you trying to a couple of minors to get sexually involved? No, this is a love story, not porn. And before you yell at me for the porn zutara comics/fics on the web, I guess you should see the porn Kataang /fics comics on the web too.

But I don’t hate any ship. So, technically, neither Kataang, nor Sukka, nor Yukka, nor Jetara, nor Maiko is pedophilia.

Ok, yeah yeah its not pedo, but is statutory rape, so yet it’s illegal.

Oh yes, if we state that 18 is the age where you are considered an adult (at least in my country) both are minors, your term is partially correct. But guess what would be statutory rape too?

Sukka (15) and Maiko (16-17), both implied to have sex relationships and canon during the series.

The episode "The Southern Raiders" became (in)famous among the fandom for what is a truly epic instance of this trope. Zuko bumps into a very flustered Suki on the way to Sokka's tent, and she hurriedly excuses herself. He walks into Sokka's tent to ask him a question and finds him pants-less and surrounded by flowers and candles. He even greets Zuko with a suggestive "Well helloooo..." before he realizes who itis. After a short talk, he rushes Zuko out and sticks his head out to call for Suki. And if there was any doubt, Sokka is shown the next morning fiddling with a flower necklace for no apparent reason... except to indicate that maybe Suki had been “deflowered”.

And yet, if Kataang had sex, it would be statutory sex at some point too: 16 and 18 -Conclusions: Statutory sex takes all ships equally.

V. Poor Aang he would be devastated.

Kid, he’s 12, in the comics he’s 13-14. Or what? Haven’t you guys had a broken heart ever? Your high school sweetie? Or Aang’s so frail to not be able to find love? To close himself for a better opportunity? Seeking your own happiness in not selfish. What is selfish is seeking your own happiness at the other expenses.

And even that, we all know what would Aang do if Katara starts a relationship with Zuko. (Even if it wasn’t Zuko, I highly doubt he would like Katara dating someone else) He would go on avatar rampage. That is NOT healthy, that is NOT romantic. That is extremely possessive and selfish to do. It’s psychotic. Because Aang cares more about himself than Katara’s feelings, even if she would be happier without him.

VI. Zutara is all about sex interest.

Well once more you mistake chemistry with sexual needs. Wanting me to sleep with my husband means I only use him for sex relief? If I find myself sexually attracted to anyone probably means I just want to sleep with that person and nothing else.

VII. A hug is all zutarians have to acknowledge zutara:

We have a complete extended analysis in all the small details, but we like to use that forgiveness hug because in that hug you have more potential that all the kataang scenes all together. We have thousands of complete analyses, pages dedicated exclusively zutara. 

VIII. Katara “fell in love with Aang” and it’s not one sided.

Uh... Nope, just because two persons are good friends it doesn’t mean they are a good couple. Yes, the way the both of them interact is absolutely beautiful, But not romantically.

Do we see Katara’s view on romantically being drawn towards Aang? Yes, we see it, and yes, unfortunately, is one sided.

How Kataangers complete this:

·       The fortune-teller: I didn’t see like “Wow omg the avatar is going to be my future husband!” But… was like “uh… really?… well, I guess it’s him” Zutarians and Aunt Wu are the base for many backs up theories. ;) Aang is not the only powerful bender you know? And actually, that episode is way trying too hard to demonstrate the crush Meng has for Aang and Aang has to Katara. How is even healthy to accept that sometimes persons don’t like you back and it’s not the end of the world.

·       The cave scene: I forgot that Katara is telling him to be her boyfriend and they will live happily ever after. And really, it all gets us to a real Oma and Shu theory. Not to mention that they were “forced” to kiss because their kids innocence believed if they kissed, they wouldn’t die, and that Aang messed up things as well. But if you see it beneath, if she was truly interested, she would have told Aang: “wow omg we kissed, ok. let’s give him a clue…” nothing, she goes back in treating him same as always.

·       The headband dance: Well that’s a fair point yes. Actually, I felt something different…unfortunately Katara later had to tell him not to kiss her.

IX. Zutara is because you projected on Katara and had a crush on Zuko, because Katara and Zuko were your favourite characters and because is the bad boy style romance.

My crush was Jet <3, and zutara was the most logical endgame for girls. Ask any girl, ANY 14 yo who would like to date: A high school, nice and handsome guy or a 7th grader that had potential to be her best friend. (See the logic) 

And nope is not like “Insert fav characters of the opposite sex to ship them” You need to see real development.

I don’t know why they stereotype Zuko as the “bad boy” – relationship archetype. Zuko is never seen to be the classic fuck boy who treats girls like shit and suddenly there comes a lady to change him. Maybe he is a “bad boy” (confused though) in S1 and S2, but his redemption arc is literally the answer of why he is not “bad boy” anymore.

If Katara was truly and really romantically interested then she wouldn’t have friendzoned Aang. Once? Nope 4 times. And also… are we forgetting kind of imagery…

Friendzoned  

 When Aang fixes her a small necklace with the fishing  thread.

 When he kissed her at the invasion. She didn’t  reciprocate it. (I’m not even mentioning the mommy proud speech)

 When he wanted to talk about the kiss in the western  air temple (Comic love is a battlefield)

 When he kissed her at the play and she had to told  him to back off.

 Strange imagery

 She was June Pippinpaddleopsokopolis (Aang’s  granddaughter)

When Aang got shot, she held his body in her arms in  the exact way Mary held Jesus in Pieta’s sculpture.

 She was Sapphire Fire. (Aang’s pregnant mother)

After they got married, in the book legacy, she said  she enjoyed most seeing Aang becoming a man. (Honestly ladies if I got a BF  the least I want is seeing how the kid transforms into a man)

I’m looking forward to watch you grow into manhood  as I did to your father (Katara’s letter to Tenzin)

 I’m really  trying to deny Oedipus complex here.

Still hard for me to track Katara’s love interest for little Aang since all we see is more a relationship mom/sister or Harry/Hermione. I have heard rumours that Bryke wanted to give the ship “mystery” and “expectation” but I think they really messed up, I didn’t see expectation or mystery, I saw a child insisting to a girl that didn’t reciprocate. It wasn’t even like she didn’t have much of a chance, because her love interests:

Was killed by Long Feng

Gave him a hideous mustache and disappeared him after Azula’s attack in the western air temple.

Forced to be attached to a toxic relationship.

Apart that all those points I’ve mentioned, Kataang is not a relationship for me. Staying in a formal relationship with the first person they met of the opposite sex at 14 -12 (guys not even Disney does that, jeez not even studio Ghibli) and not having any chance to experience any other relationship. Never experiencing a broken heart, or someone better. I think that it gives the wrong idea, telling guys that no matter how long they are placed in friendzone, eventually the girl will fall for them. They just have to keep insisting.

You could say, but what a hypocrite! Snow White was 14 years old when she went to live with that prince! Many princesses are 16! And not to mention that many men were the first they met! Like Aurora, Rapunzel, and Cinderella. Well, you are right at one point. But ... the interaction of these characters changes radically, mainly because they never "give cute kisses" to their future husbands, nor do they treat them like their brothers or their children and ... the men were never friendzoned, except for Naveen at the beginning. You see the real attraction of teenage girls with an older boy. And I'm not saying that they should never be friends or support each other. Mulan and Chang were allies, friends, they supported each other, they saved their lives. But at no time was there the kind of interaction Katara and Aang had.

If Kataang was to be endgame, we would see Katara’s reaction to Jet, totally different, THAT kind of reaction was what I was waiting. (That kind of reaction is what every princess do, at least one time)

The same chemistry we saw in Yukka / Sukka. Honestly, I saw more chemistry between Haru and Katara.

Or at least give us some character development like: Aang, I know my feelings where not as you wanted but now I decided I want to be with you because (list everything here except he being the avatar), I really like you, perhaps we can give it a shot. Or like several things that could clue us that she is interested (come on people, two persons can kiss/hug/ have sex and that doesn’t imply they will be together in a formal relationship) But all we got was: Oh, right, he’s the avatar... suddenly I fell for him and I’m gonna kiss him fully in the mouth and that’s how I’ll tell him and that all my confusion has magically disappeared.

X. I’ve never saw that kind of spark between them. Again, it was “Just a hug”

Yes! That’s initially the whole point of it, a friendship hug, the truth of why we don’t need silly blushes. Because that forgiveness hug shows their initial relationship, they are friends! All their love needs to come first from a truthful friendship, by the contrary of calling the “immediate falling” like Aang did for Katara, it shows us that friendship love can evolve into something more beautiful, and that’s why we like the ship, because all zutara shippers know Zuko and Katara wouldn’t fall in love like that all of the sudden, they have to create the romantic relationship, and that’s what we portray in the fics.

What makes Zutara exceptional is that he, sees her, he hears her, he listens what she had to do, at anytime he forced her to do something she didn’t. And before a “teenager adolescence ship” he sees her as a human, with feelings with own ideals and goals.

And there is a complete and extremely well based analysis in: The crossroads of destiny + The southern raiders + The lighting saving.

XI. The comics show us how toxic they really where.

Their interaction in the comics was something I like to call: destroying a character. Not only Katara, who turned to be that awesome badass to the submissive girlfriend. From how I see it in the series to the comics there’s all I have to say: That’s not my girl.

XII. How Katara could be queen of a country that almost aniquilates her tribe and killed her mother? It would be a betrayal.

I think this argument is out. Not valid. Is like saying a Jew can’t date a German because of the holocaust. (German doesn’t mean nazi, just as Zuko, who was from the Fire Nation and didn’t order Katara’s mother assassination, and not every citizen of the fire nation means a ruthless killer). Is like saying that a Japanese can’t date a us citizen because of the bombs in WW2. And even if we see it “political”, is like… an aphrodescendant can’t rule a country that is racist, then Mr. Obama would have never reached the presidency.

Two persons can unify them, because they can demonstrate that being from different country that initally has not good terms can reach peace. The union between those countries represents the power of maturity, of overcoming adversities and the power of forgiveness. *Our lands now connected by love* And I want her to be queen, I want her to rule, I want her in charge, I want her in power. Imagine all the potential she could have (politics, business, negotiations, rebuilding, restoration, education, public health!! ***faints***) Not only for the fire Nation but for the whole world! Imagine that once Zuko abdicated they left to the south pole and she opened a fighting school and a healing school of her own (like master Pakku, but now her students are given a medical license that acknowledges them as professional healers) And this is just an idea. Like these ideas are hundreds. It would have been the perfect feminist role model!

XIII. Since the beginning, Katara was always interested in Aang and she always supported him and was for him when he needed her. That’s proof they were meant to each other.

If a girl expresses faith in your abilities, she loves you, she hugs you, and she supports you clearly she’s completely into you. Because obviously female best friends don’t exist.

[sugaabooga]

teacher!Minhyun

Pairing: Minhyun x reader 

Genre: teacher Minhyun, bullet-point scenario

Summary/Extra: Minhyun’s your college professor. 

A/N: First bullet-point scenario so it’s prob pretty bad ahaha. But enjoy! AND PLEASE REQUEST SOME STUFF!

teacher!Minhyun would give almost no hw, but when he does, it’s probably something huge project or essay that’s worth 70% of your grade

seems like a teacher that would seem super nice( and handsome) at first, but after the first week of school, hell breaks loose

SO

MANY

ESSAYS AND PROJECTS

he teaches english and also computer science which makes everyone swoon

like he’s good at english and comp sci!? IDEAL MAN

would have favorites, but wouldn’t show who it is

doesn’t really fall for the teacher pets and those super annoying people that kiss up TO EVERY FREAKIN TEACHER

hates that one student who keeps interrupting the class with his psychotic laugh

but lowkey wants to become his friendly hyung

anyways

you were never a teacher pet and always kept a low profile at school

friends were never a problem, but it was never a group of friends that you had

you always had one friend that you went everywhere with and the rest weren’t that close to you

onto your meeting and interactions with MInhyun

Minhyun would be the youngest and newest professor at your uni

your friend would probably be gushing over how handsome he was

charismatic and mysterious amirite

you don’t really see the attractiveness from him (like are you blind?)

y/f/n envies you a whole lot since he becomes your homeroom teacher for the year

and wow lucky you

he’s also the teacher for your last class

you aren’t looking forward to being in Mr. Hwang’s class since there are a bunch of rumors circulating around the campus

you know like the teachers that seem super nice and all, but then do a complete 180 (or 360 according to Ong) after the first month

yeah

Minhyun is one of those teachers

So here you are walking to your first class of the day, english

You trudge into the class since you figure out that you don’t know ANYONE besides Kim Jaehwan who you’re kinda afraid of

have you heard his laugh?

you thought he was pretty weird

you weren’t wrong

but you realized it wasn’t the bad kinda weird

since Jaehwan was your friend now, the class was way less lonely

but you noticed you got in a lot of trouble

“KkAKaHAhashKAHKahKkhA”

“KIM JAEHWAN! Y/L/N Y/N!”

Jaehwan wasn’t the most quiet in the class

whenever you said anything whether it was funny or not, he would laugh and it grabbed everyone’s attention

including the teacher

Minhyun would have the face like he had on PD101 when Yoojung and Doyeon came to the dancing battle

from that day, Minhyun picks on you A LOT

everyone’s confused bc like…???? Mr. Hwang never does those things no matter how much he likes or hates a student

you officially hate minhyun

both as a teacher and person

but little did you know that Minhyun treated you the way he did bc he actually sorta hates you since you’re failing the class in the second week of school

and you’re kinda cute

don’t be disgusted tho

he’s two years older than you but just twenty times smarter

anyways, the next week is the worst

after your first class is over, Minhyun walks over to you with his teacher face and you’re like

shoot

bc you already knew it was bc of your grades

even if Minhyun likes you, you’re still failing his class

he offers help and you guys decide to meet on tuesdays, thursdays, and if necessary, every saturday

you were so annoyed and everyone around you could tell, so you weren’t approached by anyone for the rest of the day

except for Jaehwan who doesn’t give a crap

you end up snapping at him and after he asks if you’re okay, you tell him how you’re failing Minhyun’s class and how you’ll be spending time with your teacher re-learning the lessons

“Can you believe it!? My least favorite teacher. TUTORING ME THREE DAYS A WEEK!”

“I thought it was two days?”

“He’s gonna extend it to Saturday too if I can’t keep up.”

Jaehwan just cackles

after all your classes are over, you reluctantly trudge over to the school library

you can’t find Minhyun anywhere so you just sit at the closest table you could find

you get out your english textbook and your laptop since you’re also in his computer science class

an hour later, you feel a series of taps on your head

you jolt up and make eye contact with a slightly wide-eyed Minhyun

you realize you fell asleep while waiting for him

“Shoot! Sorry! I-I didn’t get enough sleep yesterday a-and-”

“It’s fine, Y/N.”

and you’re like

does he hate me or not??!!?!

anyway, you feel super bad and almost like guilty for falling asleep and making Minhyun debate whether to wake you up or not for an hour

but you fall asleep some more while working on answering comprehension and Minhyun has to slam a textbook down to get you to wake up

he did that one time

bc you guys are in a library and Minhyun is so mannerly that he can’t bear to disrupt everyone else

after the nth time you fell asleep, Minhyun’s so done with you

guess what he does

he takes you out for ice cream

“I think you need a break…”

You leave your stuff since Minhyun says “We’ll be coming back right after we get it.”

You just wanna go home, but you already assume Minhyun hates you enough and decide to do whatever he says

“I’ll pay, Y/N. Hurry and get your ice cream so we can finish up the lesson.”

you feel like he’s scolding you and getting annoyed, so you don’t disagree and just thank him

I mean it IS free ice cream

the way back to the library is awkward af

he’s not saying anything and you aren’t saying anything

well i mean you’re just eating your ice cream since there’s a no food rule in the library

you end the lesson faster than you expected but a part of you knows Minhyun was just done teaching you since you weren’t understanding anything

after receiving several warnings about your grades in comp sci and english, you realize how serious this was

you start trying really really hard to understand the concepts in both minhyun’s classes and the tutoring sessions

after a month passes from the first tutoring session, you feel really comfortable with Minhyun now

he’s like your adult friend

even if he’s two years older than you it’s nice to have a teacher be your friend

after two months pass, Minhyun sorta grows on you

Whenever you don’t have the after school tutoring session, you start missing him and get super depressed that day (like wtf no one does that)

Minhyun has a little tiny crush on you now since he got his feelings in control

but now you’re the one who’s mega crushing on him

You realized your feelings after Jaehwan caught you staring at Minhyun for the nth time and he told you3

you can barely focus on your work bc you keep thinking how handsome Minhyun actually was (like how did you not notice this before?)

how beautiful he was when he smiled or laughed

how charismatic he seemed when he got mad at Jaehwan

how kind he was when a student needed help

he was just so boyfriend and husband material

but your sudden blushing mess and distracted nature and staring at him leads to Jaehwan becoming highly suspicious

one day after class you’re packing up your bags when Jaehwan suddenly asks the question

“Do you like Mr. Hwang?”

*chokes on spit*

“M-ME!???!?”

Jaehwan nods innocently and you’re like “boi how’d you know”

“It’s hard not to notice when you’re staring at him the whole entire period”

“HeheHEHehe”

but you wonder if Jaehwan ya know

picked up some stuff on Minhyun and you

“D-Do you…..Do you….”

“Do I know if Hwang likes you too?”’

you slap his arm in surprise

lmao

“I’m not sure… I thought it was mutual at first, but…”

tbh you’re really disappointed

jaehwan immediately notices your sudden upset expression

“NO NO BUT I’M ALways wrong on these things!!”

you know he may be wrong, but you can’t help, but realize Minhyun never really did anything to show his “liking”? for you

you’re totally out of it for the rest of the day and soon, you find yourself on the ground after crashing into someone

and that HAD to be the most popular guy in the school

kang Daniel

“OhMAGAhah. I’m so sorry.”

“No no, it’s fine.”

“Sorry”

he helps you up and then picks up your books for you (kyaayyay)

you’re about to thank him, but someone grabs your wrist and slightly pushes you back

and you see that it’s Minhyun

“Y/N. Please see me in my classroom.”

and Daniel’s just like 0_0

“Mr. Hwang seems mad… You should go. See you around!”

you wave back and head to Minhyun’s classroom since he already disappeared

like boy that man can walk

when you enter the classroom, Minhyun’s just sitting at his desk, his head in his hands

you prob did something really bad (no it’s just MInhyun being a teenage boy)

you pull up a stray chair and sit in front of him and keep quiet since you didn’t wanna make him even angrier or whatever

he finally speaks up and you DIE

“Y/N… Not as a teacher, but a close friend of yours… I developed feelings for you”

he takes in a breath and then just stares at his desk

A W K W A R D

“I-I”

“Aish. I just made everything awkward. Don’t worry about what I said today. You can go Y/N. I’m a little out of it. Forget about everything that just happened. I-I’ll see you in the library and please don’t feel-”

you put your finger up to his lips for him to stfu

“Stop rambling….I-I like you too”

AND BOTH YOUR HEARTS SOAR

So basically dating your teacher ain’t allowed ya know

But your tutoring sessions turn to ice cream dates and fortunately no one from your school sees you guys

only Jaehwan knows you two are dating, but it’s cute so what can he say

AND AFTER SECRETLY DATING FOR A MONTH, YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS

OMGONGUS

can i go die

ok so what happens is that Minhyun comes to the usual spot in the library one day

but he looks super worried

his teacher face is on and you’re just super scared bc he’s still your teacher

turns out Minhyun needed to talk to you about your grades

you don’t wanna know, so you ask him to tell you after you were done with your lesson

after the lesson you head out for the cute little ice cream date Minhyun always treats you to and that’s when Minhyun turns to that serious face again

“About your grades, Y/N…..”

you’re almost in tears since you know your grades are still pretty bad and you just feel so sorry to Minhyun spending all his time on you

you braced yourself for Minhyun to go on about how you needed to try harder, focus more during class, and bla bla bla

you were definitely not expecting him to give you a wide smile and say

“YOU’RE THE STUDENT WITH THE HIGHEST GRADE IN MY CLASS!”

you’re frozen for a second and then start screaming while hugging Minhyun

Minhyun’s so proud of you, he decides to buy a full on dinner instead of ice cream

like from the lowest to the highest rank in the class

that does not happen overnight without any effort

you’re so relieved and slightly mad at Minhyun for doing that prank on you, but you still love him lol

“OMG Minhyun. This is all because of you! I could just kiss you right now!!”

you honestly don’t even know what you’re saying and you don’t realize what you said until you see Minhyun lean closer to you and somewhat smirk

ok then basically you guys kiss

sry I’m horrible at describing kiss scenes blajfoaehfouwenf

but I mean the rest of your college years are really fun bc of Minhyun

you guys can’t go on many dates besides the ice cream parlor since you can’t have ppl see

that’s only college years tho

after you graduate, you head to Minhyun’s room after you finish your work and help Minhyun grade, help him prepare his lesson, clean around the room, and yeha

being a teacher, let alone a professor, is pretty hard

sometimes, when you’re both really tired you guys just take a nap on your arms on the desk, facing each other

or Minhyun falls asleep on your lap while you’re entering grades for him

SQQUUUEUEAAAAA

so cuteeeeeeee

and ofc, don’t forget about Kim Jaehwan

turns out he really looked up to Minhyun both as a person and teacher

one day he walks in on you and Minhyun being all coupley and flirty with each other and literally vomits on the spot

he’s scarred

sometimes he joins in on your guys’ dates and just ruins every little moment you two have by fake gagging or laughing with his psychotic laugh

but you still love him

it’s so entertaining to him bicker with Minhyun (MinHwan amirite)

im not sure how to end this but

I mean

overall you and teacher!Minhyun would have a really cute and innocent relationship

sry this was horrible

first bullet-point scenario yay

okay bye

[maddiviner]

You were in the AA? What lineage? I had no idea witches could join...

Yes, anyone can join the A.’.A.’., provided they’re willing to keep the oaths! That includes witches.

That said, I’m not sure I qualified as a witch during my probationer period, because I’d left off doing much witchcraft. I was trying very, very hard to only focus on Thelemic ceremonial magick. This took some doing, because I’d been practicing witchcraft almost exclusively for fourteen years. At the time, I wanted very badly to be a Thelemic magician, not a witch, but I ultimately discovered that my heart rested with witchcraft, not ritual magick.

As a rule, I don’t speak publicly about my current or former lineage. My current lineage is very much a small and private thing. I did switch lineages a few months into my probation, as I’ll explain.

Folks, read the tags on this post and don’t click the read more link if it’ll ruin your day. I’ll be discussing some true, but disturbing topics in this post…

Initially, when I decided to join the A.’.A.’., I wrote to a fellow who had a website on the subject, knowing that his lineage was in a period of speech at the time. I knew several other folks who worked within this lineage, and it seemed sound. 

I was summarily sent a copy of the Oath in the mail and paired with the head of the lineage as a superior. This was due to physical proximity, in that he was located closer to me than other lineage members. I’ll refer to my superior (the head of the lineage) as “Vermillion” here. I don’t dare use his real name, because he probably googles himself, and, as you’ll see, I don’t want him to bother me anymore.

In my early days having affiliated with Vermillion, there were a lot of red flags I should have noticed, but didn’t. When I told a friend from my Temple that I’d taken the Oath with Vermillion, he said, rather crudely “You really went with that guy? The one who went loony after 9/11?”

I just shrugged. I knew Vermillion had been at Ground Zero on 9/11, but didn’t particularly care. He seemed sensible in our communications, and my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) was in the same lineage. 

I didn’t like that my friend had implied trauma made people “loony” either, so I wasn’t very keen on listening to anything he had to say about Vermillion, anyways. Even now, I don’t think Vermillion is the way he is because of 9/11; it’s incidental to that.

In an early letter to Vermillion, I’d mentioned that I have bipolar disorder and take expensive medication for it. I just thought it was something he should know, in case I had an episode during my probation. He wrote a rambling letter back about how psychiatry is evil and I needed to go off my meds to save money and because it’s better for me or some nonsense like that.

I wrote back that I had no intention of doing that, and described what typically happens when I do go off the meds. He immediately backpedaled and wrote that I should, in fact, stay on the medication. I shrugged it off. I didn’t need his permission for that, anyways, and regretted even telling him about it.

Next red flag came quickly, though. I was googling around one day and found an angry diatribe Vermillion had wrote about wanting to kill Christians and Muslims, something like that, anyways. I don’t remember all the details, but I was more than a little perturbed at his lack of self-control in writing such a thing, let alone the attitude behind it!

A few weeks after that, and a few months into my probation, the word came out on Facebook that one of my favorite occult authors was dying of cancer. A fund had been started for this author’s funerary expenses, and someone beeped about it on Vermillion’s Facebook group. 

Vermillion was weirdly outraged about this, and his perspective might have been summed up as “Who cares about . He’s not a good author and he’s gonna die soon anyways, so why should anyone want to help him (since he’s a bad author).”

I was pretty horrified and this caused a minor scandal in the Thelemic Facebook circles. A couple people cut ties with me simply because I was known to be studying with Vermillion, and many well-known Thelemites weighed in on the situation. At that point, I started to realize I’d probably need to extricate myself from contact with Vermillion, but wasn’t sure exactly how to go about switching lineages.

A few months later, I had a breakdown. I’d been messing around with the dosage of my medication, and ultimately flew into a pretty bad, really long mania. During this period I had vivid delusions about being gangstalked and was obsessed with writing down “evidence” of this. It was a pretty disturbing period in my life, one of the worst episodes of bipolar I’ve ever had. I don’t like going into too much detail about it, or even thinking about it overmuch. 

Naturally, because I was totally gone at the time, I’d write these long, rambling letters to Vermillion, some of which mentioned this “conspiracy” I firmly believed in at the time. I think I’d sent him one or two such letters, and he angrily wrote back saying I needed to “use my reason” and just realize there was no conspiracy, etc.

Basically, he demanded I reason my way out of a psychotic episode. Because that’s totally how it works, lol.

Eventually, I went back on the medication and the delusions faded. I went back to work once I was stable, and started working very long hours. I was frankly very busy at this point, and unable to really keep writing to the guy. I was disgusted with him at that point, anyways. So, I dropped contact, and this happened.

The post I just linked was written just a few days after the events had happened, if I remember right. I asserted I was “done with Thelema,”  but that hasn’t shown to be true. I’ve switched lineages, obviously, but I still incorporate and accept a lot of Thelemic perspectives. Nowadays I consider myself a Thelemic witch.

I’ve written this just to explain my history with the A.’.A.’., and also because I think it’s important for other Thelemites to know that this kind of thing happens. I hope people were mindful of the tags on this post and didn’t get their day ruined. The witchcraft community may have problems, but, all and all, it’s a lot easier to deal with than the Thelemic community, which can be downright nasty at times, especially online.

[wordydelights]

Lovely Souls

The chill in the air nipped at Noelle’s exposed fingertips, painted with a deep blood red which was already starting to chip off on the edges. Her worn black sneakers crunched on dead leaves as she neared the whitewashed door. Even before opening it she could already smell the distinct fragrance of cannabis seeping through the cracks. She smiled as she turned the metal knob, inhaling the aroma with every step taken. Following the sounds of distant chatter, she made her way up the creaky wooden staircase covered in carpeting to cushion her dainty footsteps. At the end of the messy hallway she opened the door to Morgan’s room.

“Finally you’re here!” Morgan exclaimed without taking her eyes off of her phone. She was sitting on her unmade bed along with her twin sister Valley and older half-sister Luna, facing the flashing television on the opposite side of the room. Strands of Morgan’s long, almost silver like hair framed her heart shaped face. The color complimented her fair, porcelain complexion and piercing light blue eyes. Noelle had always thought that if there is a heaven it would be in the vast skies within Morgan’s eyes.

 “Sorry, my mom went to bed a little later than usual.” Noelle replied as she sat herself down next to Calvin who was on the floor leaning against the mattress. Fixated on the TV, he only blinked when necessary as if to capture every detail possible. Calvin was like Luna’s boyfriend but not exactly. It was obvious the two had a connection, the constant eye contact, flirtatious language and subtle touches were a dead giveaway. Yet their relationship remained almost too platonic to be considered a couple. Either that or they were just very skilled on keeping it a secret. Luna glanced up towards Morgan, “Should I start rolling the blunt?”

 A few moments of hesitation passed, Morgan nodded her head to each side as if weighing out the options in her mind, “Yeah.” Luna proceeded to rip open a fresh packet of cigars without hesitation and began dumping the tobacco inside into a plastic cup. After meticulously placing the buds of weed then carefully rolling the brown paper, she sealed it with her tongue. Noelle eyed Luna’s hands as they went to work, attempting to visually learn the art behind the task. In fact, Noelle paid close attention to everyone’s actions, absorbing the information gathered and retaining it for future reference. Not in an emotionless, robotic way but  almost like a survival tactic, a way of blending better into the environment around her and understanding individual personalities to a greater extent.

The satisfying sound of the lighter being flicked was like music to Noelle’s ears. Luna obviously took the first hit and passed it on to Morgan, who was sitting closest to her, setting off a counter-clockwise rotation. Noelle, acting as if she was caught up in the stereotypical plot of the low budget indie film being played, mentally prepared herself for the inhale. She always wondered whether or not she was breathing correctly at first. 

 Maybe I hold it in a bit longer.

 I just need to breathe normally, stop overthinking it.

 “Noelle.” Noelle snapped her head up to meet Valley’s outreached hand with the lit blunt between her index and middle finger.

“Thanks.” She cautiously took the blunt out of Valley’s grasp and raised it to her lips. She breathed in. The warmth filled her lungs like a wildfire rushing throughout a dry forest. Her eyes began to slightly water as she tried to savor the crisp feeling within. To prevent coughing, she shut her eyes and slowly released the smoke into the air. It poured from her mouth like a raging waterfall into a tranquil stream, leaving that toasty, burning sensation in the center of her chest behind to be remembered by.

“Would you rather have no one show up to your funeral or no one show up to visit you on your deathbed?” Noelle smirked, her voice now more raspy and crackled. Morgan tilted her head, giving the impression of pensive thought while resting her chin on her index finger as she considered.

“Deathbed,” Luna and Calvin replied in unison. Noelle looked back at them as if they were crazy, “What!?”

Morgan nodded. “Yeah I agree. Deathbed.”

“Why?” Noelle defensively asked, with her arms folded.

“Well…,” Calvin began taking a hit from the blunt then whipping his sandy colored hair to the side as he exhaled. “I’d want to know I’m loved and remembered when I die.”

“But you wouldn’t care because you’d be dead. Think about it, you’re alive, lying in a hospital waiting for your loved ones to come and wish you farewell, but no one comes, so you die alone, lonely and heartbroken. You wouldn’t feel the emotional pain of no one arriving at your funeral because dead people don’t have feelings.”

“Yeah, but having no one show up to your funeral is kind of worse in a way. You are just forgotten and it just shows no one really cared about you in the first place.”

 “But you’re dead so you wouldn’t know. Also, if people didn’t show up to visit you in your final hours but did during your funeral doesn’t it show how fake they are? Why would you want them coming to your funeral anyways?”

 Luna decided to jump into the debate, “You could say the same thing about the people who visited you in the hospital but didn’t during your funeral. Wouldn’t you rather die knowing the truth?”

Valley, who had remained unbiased from the beginning of the discussion, mostly quietly observing, taking into account the different arguments, finally chose to voice her opinion, “I think both scenarios equally suck and I wouldn’t want either to happen to me.”

 Everyone agreed. Valley didn’t usually say much. She was a shy, more reserved individual. Mostly lost in her own thoughts, but when she had something to say it was worth listening to. She was the kind of person most looked past, not appreciating her unique persona or beauty. Her hair in contrast with her personality was colored with a firey red dye. Its silky waves almost seemed to move like the ocean and her lips like two soft petals from a delicate rose. “When’s Raquel coming?” Noelle pondered, looking to Morgan for a response. “Not sure but she’s been acting weird lately,” Morgan started, and then looked up from her phone. Before Noelle could ask for further details Morgan continued. “She always makes plans then flakes the last minute or has to go suddenly because of her dad…apparently.”

“Oh please, we all know it’s because she just wants to go fuck her shitty boyfriend,” Luna added in a half joking but completely serious way. Her voice was so full of emotion that when she spoke you could never truly pinpoint it to one specific tone. It wasn’t a confusing voice. It was simply a voice so whole and varied, that one could get overwhelmed in its dimension and novelty.

 Noelle nodded, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, “She’s done that before and lied about it so I wouldn’t be surprised. It just sucks always being second place to that asshole.” She shrugged, “But, what can you do.” Morgan quickly released the smoke in her lungs, attempting to not disrupt the flow of the conversation. “I don’t understand her taste in guys. They are always not that attractive, complete douchebags plus extremely controlling.” “The worst part is that she bows down to them like they’re her fucking god and lets them walk all over her, practically worshipping the ground they walk on.” Noelle paused, taking a frustrated puff then passed it to Calvin. “I just wish she knew she’s better than that.”

A few silent moments passed, Calvin decided to chime in, “She’s looking for love in all the wrong places,” he half-sang with a goofy smile across his bearded face. Luna, Valley, Morgan and Noelle looked at one another as if trying to comprehend the humor.

 “Oh come on, you guys never heard that song?”

 “No one cares Calvin,” Luna playfully teased, snatching the navy blue beanie from off his head, her low cut shirt exposing more cleavage as she leaned forward. Noelle liked to think that Luna had something special one might refer to as an ‘old soul.’ She had these tender eyes, consumed with blazing passion that told their own story. Sort of like looking into a veteran’s eyes, seeing the heavy melancholic weight they carry, attempting to imagine the unspeakable horrors they’ve witnessed. But Luna’s were different, because not only did they appear to have endured times of tragedy, anguish and suffering, they also seemed to have experienced true joy, erratic, intense love and pure bliss. Every emotion known to man was trapped within her eyes, like a shaken snow globe, a whirling pool of vivid uncertainty. Suddenly, breaking the mellow, comforting atmosphere, an aggressive, hollow banging echoed throughout the house.

“What the he-,” Morgan managed as she pulled herself up off the bed. Noelle and Calvin exchanged confused looks while Luna followed Morgan to the open window after ashing the remnants of the leftover blunt. Valley remained unscathed by the disruption, continuing to blankly stare at the patterned sheets of the bedspread. “Mom’s going to be pissed,” Morgan half-whispered, holding the curtain in one hand, as she looked down towards the front door, with Luna closely behind. The banging continued, this time along with senseless shouting and hushed laughter. Luna let out an aggravated sigh as she looked back up from the cluttered window. “Oh my god.” The curiosity spiking her interests, Noelle began making her way towards the commotion. “What? Who is it?” She asked, despite being only a few steps away from discovering the answer.

Morgan finally turned, with an irritated expression painted across her face. “I’m going to fucking kill Raquel.”

“Dan, could you stop being so obnoxious man?” Ocean asked, the question phrased more like a demand, as he pushed his brother’s flailing hand away from the door. Danny slowly turned his head towards Ocean, looking him dead in the eyes with a psychotic smile and replied by shrieking at the top of his lungs what sounded like what was supposed to be an odd rendition of ‘Mary had a Little Lamb,’ while simultaneously slamming his fists against the wooden door. Raquel and Eliza snickered, only encouraging Danny’s juvenile behavior. Ocean, realizing there was nothing he could do to stop Danny from acting like a complete ass, gave up and started walking away until he felt someone grabbed his upper arm.

“Come on Ocean…lighten up,” Eliza pouted as she slid her hand down to his elbow. Her pungent perfume almost suffocating him as she brushed her body against his. Hastily, dismissing her advances Ocean wandered off towards the driveway, to silently wallow in the regret of allowing his insufferable brother to convince him into coming. The tips of Ocean’s wavy, chestnut hair barely touched his shoulders as he looked up towards the open window where he saw moving shadows and heard the scurrying of feet. A freckled face emerged from the floral printed curtains. His deep blue eyes locked with her amber gems for what was probably about half a second but felt like an eternity. Her wild strawberry curls, held back behind her ears, began falling into their original place as if to demonstrate how they could not be tamed. She swiftly glanced away, her cheeks slightly pink and adverted her eyes towards Danny’s noisy antics. Ocean remained gazing in her direction with a half-smile on his face until she disappeared beneath the curtain’s mask of obscurity. It was like listening to a good song. You can’t just stop in the middle, disrupting the rhythm and ambiance, you have to complete the journey, allow it to sweep you into a new state of mind, the lyrics broadening your perspectives on life. And those blazing amber eyes could alter the most tenacious of minds.

 The front door burst open. “My mom is trying to sleep, what is your problem?” Morgan fumed in a snappy whisper. Raquel moved forward, her golden ponytail swinging to each side in time with her footsteps, “Sorry, Danny gets a little too excited someti-“

 “Why are they here?” Morgan abruptly interrupted, clearly not in the mood for small talk. Realizing the harsh implications one might make from her question and tone, she decided to elaborate. “We were only expecting you.”

 “I may have forgotten to mention a few details.”

 Morgan rolled her eyes as far back into her skull as humanly possible, “No kidding.” Raquel’s short, red dress, flattering her rosy undertones, danced with the wind as it flowed by. Her bold lipstick which was somewhat smeared around the corners of her mouth gave the deception of fuller lips and her tawny wedges extenuated her already tall, slender figure. Attempting to radiate the illusion of elegance and poise, her insecurity and desperation were too apparent to oversee. Mascara, which was faintly smeared underneath her eyes, indicated she had been crying not that long ago. Noelle walked in from behind Morgan, her brows knitted together with confusion, “What’s going on?”

Danny, wrapping his arm around Raquel and Eliza, decided to answer the question, “Let’s just cut the bullshit alright. We have beer and are cordially inviting you to join us on this momentous occasion and bask within our splendor.”

Noelle and Morgan exchanged suspicious glances. 

“Pay no mind to him,” Raquel said, pushing Danny aside. “Look, me and Kevin broke up today and I-,” she anxiously bit her bottom lip, her voice coated with sincerity.  “I just wanted to have a good time with you guys, so please…come.”

[bigmouthbadsleeper]

I Get So Emotional, Baby.

I have a sign that hangs on the wall in my living room that says, “All Emotions Are Beautiful”. I call it a sign for lack of a better word, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. It’s not like the signs that hang in restaurant bathrooms that say, “All employees must wash their hands before returning to work”, it’s more like a piece of art. The words are hand painted in cursive, and surrounded by a gold frame. I found it a few years ago, while I was browsing a shop full of trinkets. I wanted to buy everything in the store that day, but bargained with myself and ended up leaving with just the sign. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been told that I’m “too” emotional, so this phrase spoke right to my soul, in all caps. ALL EMOTIONS ARE BEAUTIFUL. If it was true, that all emotions are beautiful, then I must be beautiful too.

I’ve always been the most emotional person in any group of friends that I’ve been in. Emotional is not a nicer way to say “dramatic”, or a code word for “sad”. Just because I am an emotional person, doesn’t mean that drama follows me around everywhere, or that I’m a problem causer. It just means that I feel what I feel, when I feel it, and I feel it BIG. My emotions aren’t always convenient. They don’t always make sense. But they are my own, and when lumped all together, they make me who I am. A better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, and someday, I hope they make me a better mother.

Here are some reasons why, on any given day, I might be crying:

-I’m thinking about Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder’s breakup.

-Went to QT to get a Sponge Bob ice cream bar and they were all out.

-I thought about my sweetest and best cat that died.

-Remembered the scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Harry says, “It’s not Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.”

-I just realized that I will never be okay with my arms.

-Remembered the time I thought I was gonna have my first kiss but when I showed up at the place I was supposed to meet the guy he was kissing my best friend instead.

-Thought about my actual first kiss.

-Money problems.

Emotions can be kind of exhausting. And if we don’t get a grip on them, they can control our lives. I love that I’m a big feeler of things happy and sad, but at times the sadness is a little too much. Sometimes I’m so sad that I leave things for too long. Like clothes on the floor, or spots on the bathroom mirror. I see them there, I know they don’t belong and that I need to clean them up, but I don’t clean them up. I just leave them. I’ll stare at a stack of books that I bought myself, with intentions of reading them all. I really hate that; not finishing what I start. It makes me feel disappointed and sorry, only i don’t know what I’m sorry about. That’s the worst part. The only thing worse than feeling something is not knowing why you’re feeling it.

If you’re like me, your emotions won’t always have a name and they won’t always serve a purpose. It’s important to feel things, even big things, but it’s more important to learn how to control these feelings so that they don’t suffocate you. You want to feel, but you want to still be you. It took me a long time to be able to control what I feel, and even now I’m not perfect at it. Slowly, over time I’ve learned that I can’t control when I feel things, or what I feel, but I can control how much those things affect me. Sometimes I will evoke emotions out of myself in small doses to practice controlling them. I’ll listen to sad music or watch a movie that makes me cry. Then I’ll scale it back and go for a walk around the block and talk to myself, making up stories as I go. Yes, I am the crazy lady wandering around the neighborhood, and I’m not ashamed of that. I’m empowered by it.

Remember how crazy everyone thought Britney Spears was when she shaved her head? Maybe you’re too young to remember this event, but I’m not. I even remember where I was when I heard that she did it. The tabloids were ruthless to her, they humiliated her and shamed her for having a mental breakdown. I was devastated for her. She was only two years older than I was, and was feeling all the things that I feel, going through things that most everyone goes through, but with millions of people watching and judging her every move. She started her career at 12, supporting her whole family with her paychecks. Her first boyfriend and one-time soul mate had put their relationship on blast to further his career, and whats worse is, it worked! He was legitimate, talented, justified. She was insane, crazy, unhinged. What kind of message did that send? It’s okay to be emotional, but only if the emotions come from a man, and in the form of a killer pop song? What kind of logic is that? A part of me was really envious of the fact that she shaved all of her hair off. At the time, I didn’t even think that was that crazy of a thing. It kind of seemed logical to me, I guess. For so long she was this perfect, beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed money maker; it made sense to me that when she finally broke, she’d decided to start with her hair.

Emotions are a gift. They’re what make us soft, and empathetic to others’ situations. They’re what fuel the best songs and movies. Can you imagine if Adele was ashamed of her emotions instead of allowing herself to be empowered by them? I can’t even think about that actually, because it’s too overwhelming for a Wednesday morning. Adele isn’t the only example that works here. Imagine life without any of the best writers, painters, or actors. How many of your favorite books, songs, etc would exist? Probably not a lot. Don’t get me wrong, mindless television shows and songs have their place. I myself am a huge fan of bubblegum pop and reality tv, but only in small doses. If it was all we had, we’d never feel anything real at all.

One of the scariest things we can do as human beings is share our experiences and our emotions with others. Being more open about these things removes the shame that is so often attached to feeling, and it can bond us with people we wouldn’t normally bond with, even with people you don’t like! I often think about those people. You know, the ones I don’t like. The ones who have been awful to me. We all have them, and that’s normal. When you strip away all the ways that you are different from another person, you’re left with the few things that you share in common. And that allows you to better understand why they do what they do, or why they’ve treated you the way they have. It doesn’t mean you’ll be friends with them, but it does humanize them.

Sometimes I’ll have a cry right in the middle of hanging out with my husband. We will be having the best time, laughing or eating pizza or playing Bananagrams and I’ll just think about the fact that he’s going to die someday. I know it sounds crazy, and I know it sounds morbid. I’m very aware of these things, and I know I have to get a grip on myself. I’m working on it! I’m so lucky that he’s not the type of person who freaks out when someone cries, because we would have broken up after like two weeks. Almost constantly, I worry about what kind of a mother I will be. I don’t want to smother my kids, or be the weirdo mom who cries at everything. I want to be the mom who understands what her kids are going through, and encourages them to be who they are. I want to be the mom who cries with them but also the mom who makes them laugh because she makes up ridiculous songs about going to sleep or waking up or doing homework. I want to use my emotions to create things that help people, but I don’t want to feel so much that I lose myself. Life is all about balance, and in some ways I’m still trying to find it. I won’t ever have a psychotic break that ends with me shaving my head in a random barber shop (probably), but I will continue to struggle with my emotions like I always have. I guess I’ll just have to chart my breakdowns the old fashioned way,

Through spots on my mirror and clothes on my floor…

Popsicles eaten and DVDs left out of their cases…

Books purchased but never read…

Songs on repeat…

Words in my draft folder, never sent.

There’s so many emotions in the world, you guys. And me, I feel them all.

[stashinhunnids]

"You should write a book"

"What if I said I don't believe in god?" My fingers stuttered to type. I had no idea there was anyone out there who didn't have the faith I'd held on so tight to. After a seemingly disappointing conversation with someone I would soon fall in love with, I realized down the road that this was only the beginning of an entirely new world I never knew of. Drugs, heartbreak, I love you, I'm clean, I'm in the closet crying, slicing up my body on the phone with you as you are hiding from the police that have come to take you away "Will you still be here when I come back?" "Yes." I've come to learn that if anything I am my own god in my subconscious because I am what makes my decisions and I am who decides to feel wrong or right when I do. I didn't feel wrong to swear or break every pencil sharpener in the house, leading to no guilt in the thought of suicide, or getting high. I liked the way these things made me feel, I was tied around someone with addiction who made me question my worth or what I wasn't doing enough of. Just the first one to pull me in until I'm pryed out. It seems to be the only way of taking me away from these habits of forgiveness undeserved. Oddly enough, the first becomes one who only made me question my worth in a sense of how much more i am in the end. As I write this I wonder if the others who locked me up in their words will end up having the same effect. So far, fuck no. I spent my first night having experiencing disbelief researching how to help someone you love stop smoking. Reading endless comments of how I should leave him alone cause weed wasn't a big deal. I wish I would've known that a simple plant was the least of my worries when being in love with someone who was in the mind state I ended up in years later. I never knew how much worst the want to get high could get. I should've known I was one with an addictive personality when I found myself ripping people off and stealing left and right just to get ahold of something like weed or liquor. Whipped cream vodka and menthol tastes like my first move of rebellion. I can hear the older boys instructing me to inhale in the backyard of the house with cuts on every other arm of every kid who resided there in every present moment  Everyone wanted to die before the real desire had even begun. Something seems so big but it's so small as it only continues to grow and wrap it's ideas through every inch of your brain. Get fucked up, cut yourself. Find a rope in the basement? Better learn to tie a noose. Whose stopping me? My family's asleep and I read messages telling me I'm loved but nothing feels like  love more than blood stained poems and holding that rope in my hand on the floor of my closet. You say you love me and that I'm worth more, I'll believe every word you say but I always knew that what happened between us at times could not be the love I had seen.  Razors and knives over the fence just cause I wanted you to spend a moment alone with me knowing good and well I'd go home and collect more. Bracelets up to my elbows at school, he took my first kiss along with every last ounce of mental freedom I had for the time being. I can't blame it all on him, but the influence of your first love and taste of breaking rules can be one of the strongest when you're a 12 year old girl. They asked if I cut myself I'd say no knowing tears welled up in my eyes everytime, and those tears turned into a laughter when asked about my scars because the mental straining from myself and ones I loved can build walls up to the point where you no longer realize true emotions until your in a therapists office in another state while they tell you these thoughts are serious. I haven't touched a blade to my skin once this year and it'll be my first year that I don't do it at least once. I would say I don't do it anymore until I became so lost in my mind it was all I knew. A friend gave me a list of coping skills, I got told they were bullshit. So I didn't even try. I thought I knew what sadness was when my parents became lost and sent me to live with my godparents in Oregon. all I did was stay up all night looking at pictures of girls with eating disorders and deeper cuts than I could ever manage to make at the time. I wanted to see it on my own body, it was sick. I don't think so, but a 3rd perspective sees different and I've become aware of that. I wore long sleeves all summer but it didn't matter cause I was never awake when it was light out only at 3am when they fell asleep and I was alone to think. He was falling in love with the girl who lived at the house where the self harming smokers hung out. He was the whole time. He spoke of her the day he walked me home from school while I missed the bus on purpose just so he would offer his time to me. The girl I'm talking about happens to be nodding out next to me cause we're coming down off dope and neither of us want to be the one to say this is wrong. Why? My subconscious has changed its morals in good but terrifying ways. I'd say in a non romantic way this girl is my soul mate despite any boy who wrecks my smiles. She doesn't break my heart, I tried to break her dope pipes. A month or so out of rehab I began to break my streak of sobriety in the ways my therapist predicted. The ones advice I should have followed were the ones who always anticipated my failiure. "What are you gonna do when you get out spring?  Run off with your tweaker boyfriend and he's gonna give you the world? Get real. You're almost 18" I know she has reasoning behind this but I tricked myself into thinking I was better now, and that he was too. He lied to me and I lied to myself without even knowing it. I realized I was not better the more I became convinced I'd be calling a room with 2 bunk beds home until my 18th birthday, I knew deep down things wouldn't go well when my dad drove me back to the facility during my last home visit. He talked to me about my mom and how he did everything he could for her to stay and I always thought he hurt her but on my first visit he brought me envelopes of information telling otherwise and I will never let curiosity overtake me enough to read the last one. I don't want to know.  He spoke of this everytime he got serious with me. Hot food from the drive thru on my lap as we inched closer to the place where the girls break windows and whisper at night when we're not supposed to,  my dad told me he signed the paperwork for me to come home January 4th. This only led to a feeling of tears stuck in my throat that didn't fall until I got strip searched for the last time and realized I could make this the last time I have to show a stranger my body but the tears fell cause I knew I wasn't ready for that. Sounds ridiculous. It led to me not so mindfully signing papers making commitments to be different than I was when I was splitting my scripts with jayme every month plotting to slice my wrists to watch my life bleed out into warm water. I said I was better and ready to prove them all wrong but I was never right about that for long the anticipation from the outside was eating me alive. Relapse once, my whole family says I'm selling dope. I couldn't escape not cause I always searched for a high but because the high would never leave until I was on the frontrunner going south bound eyeliner smeared, dilated pupils, -5 pounds, dehydrated and I ignored my boss for 2 days when I should've been at work. So hungry but so tired I have to sleep till 6pm before I can even manage to comprehend being awake long enough to make something to eat. Looking at my body in the mirror after wishing I had the will to puke it up in time before the calories register in my body and there's no going back unless I binge again. I didn't necessarily like the high as much as I did that first hit. But Ionged to watch it melt and see the smoke rise. 10 o clock, 2 o clock, back and forth until I have no room to breathe in more then I exhale a cloud the size of my body and smile. A week on dope feels quicker than an hour sober and I could always look in the mirror after we run out and I wake up from crashing, and I dig the way my cheeks will begin to sink in, and they can't call me fat once my jeans become loose and I can wear a crop top without constantly thinking about the way my belly looks when people look at me. The jawline I'd contour in the year before became a reality but I just wanted to be less of matter and more of a walking shard because I love to watch the dope burn and imagine the scale subtracting weight with each week I go. When will I see my hip bones? When will I get up from this fucking table in the basement of the house I was raped in and stop writing psychotic thoughts in my journal. Are they psychotic? Or is that my new abusive lovers voice projecting into my own as my therapist said? If I decide my thoughts are normal is that me minimizing my issues like I also tend to do? I wish I could tell the fucking difference but I absolutely can't. 8th grade I said I was done smoking weed pinkie promising the first boy that I wasn't about to go get high, well I was. He was bringing crack rocks to school and I heard it from the kids while he played sober, I just let him. I learned not to feel guilty with lies as long as I heard of the girls he was flirting with in the halls, the way he wouldn't lie about it when I asked. They all saw him walk me home from school they warned me he'd break my heart but I was willing to take a hammer to it myself if it meant he'd throw rocks at my window the next night and lay on my trampoline with me or in the middle of the road we wanted to pretend like we were in a romance novel but the books never tell about the things that go on behind the society built fake smiles this generation is addicted to. Every girl I'm close with has been hit, screamed at, and walked all over by one boy or another.  Stock Holm syndrome has become a mindset we might as well all be born with if you live in this shitty but nostalgic city. It smells like fresh cut grass and cigarettes. It tastes like your first taste of whatever substance grabbed you by the throat first. And it feels like the most addicting terrifying yet comforting mindset you have when you fall in love with mind game playing addicts who change their ways or continue to wreck everything you try to accomplish outside of what they desire. My first love went to get help while my new one came along with the familiar sound of wheels on a skateboard and a different ego than the last with completely unburied and bad intentions he didn't know he was moving towards. Did he ever stop and look at the tears in my eyes and shakiness in my body? It's impossible not to feel the drained energy as I sit in the doorway at school wishing I could take back the last hour of yelling and had just kept my cool with him. I did my best but I was beginning to deteriorate into someone I didn't know I could be. Pathologically lying to catch your attention, forming elaborate situations that never really happened cause I just hoped you would see you could lose me whenever without me having to leave. Told you I couldn't smoke cigarettes just to down a pack once I left your sight. You didn't want me wearing skirts so I tucked them away along with everything else that became irrelevant as you said so. Lsd and subway, naruto on pain pills, listen to Mac miller on shrooms "you said you just wanted to play one song" "Well babe it's YouTube it auto plays after every song" Still my fault. We had no reason to fight that night, sat against your wall looking at pictures of mandalas I wanted you to forget the anger you always carried with you. Outside, the rust on the stairs looks like blood dripping and would you look at the stars? Wow. I wanted to look at your eyes instead. Taste of codeine in the back of my throat, xanax powder in my nose. Nod out, wake up, fight, get my fix or she can get the fuck out. We're done. "Single", I'm sorry I'll delete it. You push me I lose it. Alcohol down the drain is the istrumental to me walking away from those apartments while the main chorus was you calling me a whore. I never got far from you and the one time I made it to my empty house on van buren, sure enough at 3am you called and we talked Until the first bus was running and of course I got ready and came back. The psyche ward became a vacation and I'd get out to apologies in my inbox. Recognize mistakes, forget. Habits, habits, habits. Break your hand on purpose you need some pain pills to get by. We crushed up every single one to touch our fingers. Come down, let's take it out on each other. It's better we stay away from each other but for some reason suffering side by side with a toxic tension seemed like a better option. When did I walk away and actually want to leave ? I always wanted you to follow me. Make up after midnight, I'll cry myself to sleep. "Why are you crying" well I'm a little broken and the cars don't stop hitting people everyone is dying and you tell me to get the fuck over it and I don't know how. "He was helpless and dying in the road, he put him out of his misery" it's silent but I have to confirm. No sense in arguing. Lying about where I'm at because it never worked to just tell you I want to see my best friend. I get high, say goodbye. 3 days later you pick me up who gave you those marks on your neck? I won't cry. Don't worry just please pick me up I'm dying for your abuse. Whose this girl? Why did you lie? Hyperventilating as you caress my body to tell me every reason why I'm better than her but the next day I get the call. You've gone off with her and I'm face down on the bed, I slept on when you weren't around with the girl who reminded me to keep moving, I've got tears hotter than the flame in your eyes rolling down my cheeks. Pills on pills how did I end up at your house again? "I'll sleep on the floor" but I woke up with your arms on me like we're lovers again. Until the ambulance comes because nothing has held me tighter and made me feel more like I can escape like the straps that hold me down on the Gurnee. Evaluations with that same guy on the computer screen. IVs and body checks, call my mom, cry about it. Screaming and restraints, I feel fine. I should stay forever but I really should go now. He's falling deeper in love with the girl from my 4th grade class and it has to stop.. stop... Stop.. it all becomes a nightmare later.  I got you back but she never left. Leave me in your bed to get breakfast with her. She'll send you pictures of you holding her naked in your bathroom, but your phone is in my hand. You're not home. Bitch. Fast forward to the roxies we inhaled. Fail a drug test once, twice, 3 times. Run. Drugs. Guns. Fight, yell, scream, chase, walk away. I'll get a video later of a cop stomping your face in the grass and I'm so, high. So I only get higher cause you're gone, and there's nothing that could go wrong except a bottle of jager and a motel 6. Who knew he'd twist the story just to talk me down until the love of my life is with that girl in  the house where it all took place. Didn't I come to mind? I came home you're nowhere to be found but I already heard it all so you don't have to explain. Who shot him? And why did I let your voice be the last he heard from me? Cause you picked up the phone when he called the year before and we never spoke again. I couldn't let that happen again. Grounds for coffee I wanted closure, you grabbed my ass when we stepped outside and I realized you weren't gonna let that happen. Laying next to you as I have a panic attack. I can feel every gram of toxicity come off of you I see the craze in your eyes when you speak of bullets going through your brain. I can't tell you what's wrong cause it only makes it worst. I'm back with jayme and you sliced your wrists. "She got fat" that drew the line but of course that line washed away then I'm in your bed and I'm telling you I don't wanna fuck cause it's not gonna mean a damn thing but I find myself in your room more than once this year, and find myself talked about to your friends like the hoe you brought home from the trap. Make me look dumb in front of your friends that's all good but I had you in my room once too. You made sure to disrespect me there too. Bus tokens on the floor and I count up 36$ fuck i want more drugs. I cry until my white sweater is covered in makeup and heartbreak. Mania for 2 days, "spring needs to get off the dope" but they don't know how it is. Strip me of my clothes and sobriety but you can never un taste me. We take turns coaching the game and I'm getting so tired. I'll just lay in bed with jayme and smoke dope and deny that I do it. Xanax will never be the same and I'll never not want a way to forget you touched me. What are morals anymore ? I'm making out with Mirandas boyfriend in the backyard cause he messaged me while I came down off the dope and coke and cried about you as im going home from the Walmart where I got 1 of the many morning after pills I've had to ingest since you. We couldn't have a kid when we babied our addiction more than anything at least we kept that in place. Because everything else has become askew in one way or another and I don't want another boy I just met to wake up and grab me like I'm his again please stop the nonsense because my mind is picking up the speed as I write he wants to come back i don't want this please take me back to your old bedroom I'd rather be puking straight beer in your trash can knowing you don't love me over this. Why?

[globally-helpful-blog]

The Anna Experience

Well, here goes. This is my story.

I had a simple, but happy life. I had friends back then, and spent most of my time riding horses. That is, until 2010. I watched my Dad die in front of my eyes and it traumatized me for life. I've never been the same since. That year was the year everything changed for the worst, and I was diagnosed with severe depression.

I've had bipolar disorder and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I struggle with severe anxiety every day of my life and it makes simple tasks seem really impossible. I'm pretty good at controlling my BPD, so that's not too big of an issue these days. Regardless, even after 7 whole years, I keep pushing. Sometimes I still want to give up, but I know not to. To this day, I still have really rough days. I have mental breakdowns. But I'm here, and I'm going to be okay.

There are two more things that had a very negative impact on my life. The traumatization from my Dad's death isn't the only thing that messed me up, unfortunately.

I lost my sister Sonny only 4 years after my Dad on May 5, 2014. I didn't really know her well when I was younger, but she started coming around a lot more in 2007-2008. She was a little off due to drug abuse. It permanently messed her up (or so they thought), but after years of going to mental health, she started to improve and act more like herself. I loved her so much. I have another sister, Joanne (I also have a brother, Tim but that's besides the point), She'd dead to me though, for good reasons. Reasons that I may explain later on down the road, who knows. Now's not the time for that story. Back to Sonny. I hadn't seen her for most of my childhood until 2007-2008, as I said. And I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. I didn't really understand what was wrong with her back then, I just saw her as normal.. but different. In about 2012, she seemed to be perfectly fine, back to the way she used to be before the drug abuse. We spent a lot of time with her and I grew very close to her. We didn't see her as much in 2013 because our lives were so busy.

I still remember when I got the phone call. I was in school and they called me to the office to talk to my Mom. She told me she was coming to get me and that something was wrong with my sister. I had to run to the bathroom to cry because I didn't want anyone to freak out. When I got outside to my Mom, she told me that Sonny had an overdose. Hearing that make me sick to my stomach. My mind was going crazy because I was sitting there thinking "No way.. it couldn't have been suicide.." and "But she wasn't on drugs, she was better."

It was an accidental overdose. She mixed two of her prescribed medications (one of them was new) and it killed her. This pushed me even farther into depression because at that point I felt like my family was dying off in front of me.

In March of 2011, my Mom introduced her new boyfriend. I despised him, and I despised her for thinking someone could easily take my Dad's place. Over the course of 2 years, I eventually grew to love him to death. He was no longer known as Shaun to me, he was my Stepdad. He was in my life for 6 years. He meant a lot to me. He had 3 sons (Brandon, Kole, and Andrew) that I claimed as my brothers. We were all a happy family. Until 2015 (I think that's the year, I'm not entirely sure). He ended up leaving us one night and never coming back. I never saw my brothers again, I never saw my Stepdad again.

It turns out, he found another woman, and he was on drugs or a drug, I'm not sure what he was on. We didn't really have time to discuss that. I missed him and my brothers so bad, and I even begged him to come back. He wanted to come back but his girlfriend was literally psychotic and wouldn't let him leave the house. I didn't even care what Mom wanted, I just wanted my family back. He helped fill the hole that was there from my Dad. And then he was gone.

The next time I saw him was in a hospital bed. He was paralyzed from a serious car wreck he had. I tried so hard not to cry because Shane always called me a badass, and badasses don't cry. Of course I failed miserably. While I was there, I got real close to him and I said, "You have to get better for me or I'm going to kick your ass." He promised me that he would and told me he loved me.

They told us he wouldn't last through the night. He lasted about a week. He showed them he could do it. But he gave up and asked them to cut off his life support because he didn't want to live his life paralyzed. I would have stopped him but I didn't get the chance to.

I haven't seen my brothers since Shane's viewing. Brandon (13) is playing basketball to keep his mind off of things. Kole (20).. I don't know where he is. No one does. They think he's on drugs. I've tried numerous times to call him and talk to him but he won't answer. Andrew (24-25) was already on drugs but is now strung out on every drug imaginable because he can't cope with his Dad's death, and is currently in jail.

With all of this being said, it's hard. Everyday of my life is hard. But I never stop going, and no matter how hard it gets, I keep trying. Because that's what my Dad would have wanted, that's what Shaun would have wanted, and that's what Sonny would have wanted.

Thanks for reading and always remember to stay strong. You can do this.

-Anna