#almost as if it is simply easy to criticize those most similar to myself

[rattkachuk]

giggling ab sidney crosby having a thing for 87, his birthday, while my lucky numbers are literally 18 and 99…my birthday…

[thoughtsaboutautism]

The romantization and trivialization of Autism Spectrum Disorder in the book "Unmasking Autism"

It's taken me a while to post this, even though I had the whole text written already. The problem is that every time I pick up this book or write anything about it I have a really hard time dealing with my emotions. This book is so bad and harmful that every time I have to think or read it – even if I'm doing so to criticize it – I have a hard time.

Anyways, I came across this table of "common, healthy autistic behaviors" (I didn't get that far in my reading yet) and I decided to make this post based on what I had already posted on Twitter.

The first thing that I need people to understand is that however you feel about your autism, however you identify, autism is, inherently, a severe developmental disorder that causes severe disability. You CANNOT have autism if you do not have deficits and impairments and I DO NOT CARE how you feel. Autism is classified so because people who have it need help, need A LOT OF help, REGARDLESS of whether we live in an accepting society or not and autism does not exist without impairment/deficit because if it did it would not be autism, it would simply be a personality trait.

The second thing that I need to say is that the traits listed on this table absolutely do exist in ASD but they are being put in an extremely romanticizing way and if one experiences ASD purely as described on this chart, then they likely do not have ASD. This is the exact problem with Tiktok, Twitter and other social media current content about autism, it's shallow, lacks context and is romanticizing. This kind of content is why so many people end up self-diagnosing with autism without actually having it, it's why people like myself – who have more difficulties – have a harder time fitting in, because current autism advocacy, such as this book and other social platforms, are advertising a type of autism that is cute and fun and easy to deal with, while autism is an extremely difficult condition to live with not only for the autistic person but for their family and friends as well. By advertising this cute, quirky autism, you are once again, like the autism community has always done since "Aspies for Freedom", leaving out those of us who are most marginalized. And I dare to say that this does not only happen to high support needs, but low needs people too who don't fit the new ASD criteria you have created.

Now, about the chart, the first sentence says: "intense studying of a new favorite topic". Not only is this type of wording extremely vague and could apply to literally anyone, but it's also undermining the intensity and the reality of having a special interest. Having a special interest is time consuming to the point of losing sleep, not using the bathroom, not showering, eating or interacting with others. A special interest itself causes so much self-stimulation that many people end up having meltdowns from overstimulation, a support worker once contacted me for help because their patient was so excited about Doctor Who that they'd talk about it to the point where they'd hyperventilate and trigger a panic attack and even lightheadedness due to lack of oxygen. Well, for myself I have experienced similar symptoms, like when I almost failed high school because all I could think about was this one TV Show I liked? Or when I almost passed out from crying and excitement from seeing Katy Perry at a concert when I was 15? Or when I was taken out of class on my first day of University because I was so excited about the topic we were studying I started making noises and disrupting the class? Or when I triggered a meltdown because I spent the whole day studying this same topic to the point where I overwhelmed myself?

"Not noticing sounds or social signals when focusing on an engrossing task": oh, do you mean when my dad and uncle accidentally mixed two chemicals to clean our pool causing a mild explosion in our backyard and a toxic fog that came into our house and I didn't hear my mom calling for me because I was too focused on a book I was reading? Or do you mean when I was a kid when I would be so focused on lining up my toys or watching the fan that I could literally spend hours and hours without having any other type of interaction which could lead to neurological damage because I wasn't using language and interacting with anyone? Or do you mean when autistic kids are usually so interested in objects that they barely recognize and acknowledge other people, leading to difficulties with development of language, cognitive and motor skills? A lot of autistic kids need to go to speech therapy, ABA or early interventions because we could very easily spend our whole days focused on a task or a toy to the point where we won't interact with anyone, which could lead to serious neurological issues such as completely lack of functional language. Social interaction is key to development of language and other important skills that will improve an autistic person's life, including those who are nonverbal and have very high support needs, and the fact that many autistic people won't acknowledge sounds or people interacting with them when they're focused is dangerous for their physical and mental health. See here the problem of intensity? How this book is shallow and lacks true understanding of ASD? Everybody happens to ignore one or two things if they're focused, doing it constantly to the point where it's dangerous and almost impossible for anyone to interact with the person is ASD.

"Needing to know exactly what to expect before entering an unfamiliar situation": yes, absolutely, every time I have to go to a new doctor my family has to call them beforehand, make sure they can see someone like me, ask them whatever procedures or exams they plan on doing and STILL I have to take extremely strong medication to allow doctors to touch me and for me not to have a meltdown because it's a new situation. Do you know what else? Needing a support worker with me on my very first day at University because the thought of going to this unfamiliar situation was so overwhelming I needed support, and still do every once in a while. Of course this is an extremely healthy behavior and doesn't cause any distress at all. Of course that I will always have people to tell me exactly what's going to happen to lessen my anxiety a little bit but still have a meltdown in the end (irony).

"Sticking to a very rigid schedule and rejecting deviations to that schedule": this wouldn't be a problem in a neurotypical person who can easily adapt to changes and eventual issues that come up in our daily lives. Unfortunately, I hate to say that most autistic people like myself deal with inevitable changes by banging their head against the wall causing themselves a concussion. Good changes? Bad changes? Ugh, it doesn't really matter. "I was finally hired to this job I have been rooting for in a long time", too bad dude, all your schedule will change and the only way you can cope with that is by having multiple meltdowns and eventually needing to be put to bed under the affect of Xanax. "Amanda, your cousin stopped by to make a quick visit", ugh, sorry, I wasn't expecting that pleasant surprise, I unfortunately must have an anger attack and self harm to cope with my feelings. "Amanda, your grandmother died and now your mom is staying home for a week on a grief work-leave", hum, not really on my schedule, will have to spend the next days trying to not sound like a dick to my mom because she disrupted my routine and I am having many conflicting feelings while she is dealing with the death of her mother. "Amanda, you have to come home right now because your grandfather just died and we have to travel for his funeral", ugh absolutely normal and healthy behavior to have a full blown meltdown in the Uni hallway because I wasn't planning my granddad's death and needing to be helped by a Professor who then called 911 because she didn't know what to do with me.

"Spending hours or days alone sleeping and recharging after a socially demanding event or stressful project": clear example of trivializing ASD. For most autistic people, even for people who have low support needs, socially demanding events cause episodes of mutism, inability to do any task at all, inability to shower, eat, take care of themselves, work. Autistic people aren't just chilling on their couch watching TV after a social interaction. Autistic people are laying in bed, feeling sick, having symptoms such as fever and panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed. I would argue this applies mostly to low needs people because for people like myself and other higher support needs people I know and live with, social events are not even a possibility in the first place.

"Needing 'all the information' before coming to a decision": this one absolutely pisses me off. When I need to make a decision I do need all the information, but not only the information available, I really need ALL the information that I WANT, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, such as wanting to know what will happen if X is chosen, but how will you know for sure something about the future? And no, I cannot let it go, autism causes something called cognitive rigidity, which makes every thought and feeling get stuck in an eternal loop which we are mostly unable to stop. On my second year of University I had to make a decision to follow a degree in Hebrew or Linguistics. I needed all the information. But the information that I needed was "how will I do on the linguistics tests if I choose this degree?" and "how will I be able to complete all the Literature courses on the Hebrew degree if I have a hard time with reading and comprehension?". This was one of the hardest times in my life when I got stuck in thoughts to which there were no answers for and this caused me extreme anxiety and distress.

"Not knowing how they feel or needing a few days to figure out how they feel about something": this is the number one reason to why I will bang my head against the wall. Not knowing how I feel, not understanding how I feel is an extremely distressing experience if not to say dangerous. Many autistic people don't notice serious illness and symptoms because they just don't understand that whatever they are feeling is normal. Luckily, I have had fewer experiences with that, but I know people whose appendix were bursting and they thought it was just a stomach ache. Last week I got up feeling weird. I didn't understand what it was, I thought it was anxiety. I went to my therapy appointment and came out still feeling a little bit off. I get home and vomit for 10 minutes straight in the bathroom and proceeded to have one of the worst food poisoning I've ever had. I had to be taught what feeling happy was, I had to be taught what feeling sad was. I have to be taught how to comprehend simple human emotions and how to understand them in my body because I simply cannot understand them. I am 22 years old. This is not healthy, this is not normal. This causes extreme distress, this is dangerous. And at least I can communicate to some extent how I'm feeling but there are family friends whose kids' are completely nonverbal with very little functional language. Whenever something changes in their mood, they have to be taken to the hospital to make sure it's nothing physical because they cannot communicate or comprehend their emotions.

"Needing a rule or instruction to 'make sense' before they can follow it": again, cute and quirky if you're an adult and the only situation you can think about this is things like "ugh, why would I treat my boss any different just because of a made up hierarchy?", not so fun when it's an adult person who cannot understand danger and thinks that riding the car with the seatbelt doesn't make sense. Not so fun when it's a 30 year-old man who doesn't understand what the police is and might act improperly around them, risking his life. Not so fun when it's a 12 year-old kid who doesn't understand death and thinks that playing "killing his sister" (by choking her) is fun. These are all real people I've met in my life.

"Not putting energy toward expectations that seem unfair or arbitrary": again, quirky if you're an autistic woman who doesn't see a point in make up, not so quirky when these things are like me, who sees exercising as totally pointless and I could very much spend the rest of my days not doing absolutely anything to move my body. Not so quirky when the expectations are actually adult people who don't understand the need to shower or personal hygiene.

I think I have made it a bit clearer with my examples how incredibly romanticizing this book is. It's a shame that so many people see this as some kind of autism bible when it's a book made by someone who we don't even know if is truly diagnosed with autism, with an extremely shallow understanding of ASD and complete disregard to the impairing nature of ASD. As I said before, ASD is inherently a condition that causes deficits and impairments and people who – most of the time aren't even diagnosed – don't get to redefine and trivialize the reality of living with autism, specially with someone with higher support needs. We can talk about different experiences of autism, we can talk about differences between high and low support needs, but we need to do it carefully in order to not trivialize what ASD really is – which is exactly the opposite of what this book does.

[austrianabdl-stuff]

Uncontrolled Wetting in Diapers Only

By BitterGrey with contributions from Tad Pole, Herry, and Peter Pan of BBIF

Also called "conditional incontinence", wetting like a baby only when wearing diapers might seem like the best of both worlds. It can give a taste of what incontinence might be like without requiring wearing diapers 24/7, possibly for the rest of one's life. It might offer easy, carefree wetting, but not the sense of being "back in diapers", forever dependent on them. It is the flipside of having a shy bladder; being unable to not wet the diaper, as opposed to being unable to wet it. The methods are similar as well.

Expectations

"If I'm not wearing a nappy I can work for hours without feeling any urge to pee. In a trusted nappy I find myself wetting every 20 minutes or so... almost, but not quite, without thinking about it. This happens straight away, even if I've not worn a nappy for some weeks." -Tad Pole

It might be best to expect only partial success. The first reason is biological: Conditional incontinence requires everything to work. In contrast, basic incontinence can be achieved by crippling one of a list of habits, reflexes, or muscle groups.

Furthermore, a sense of success might be more elusive than actual success. Consider a person who sometimes dribbled without conscious control when in a wet diaper, but who's sphincter would reflexively tighten in response to larger flows. Unaware of the dribbling, he'd think he still had complete control.

With practice, it is reasonable to expect easier, less intentional, more frequent wetting when in diapers. These might or might not be counted as "accidents." The transition between the two modes is most clear when putting the first diaper on. You might find yourself wetting the diaper shortly after taping it up, even though you didn't need to pee before.

As with many things, individual results will vary. Note that those with shy bladders might not necessarily have a harder time with this; they won't need to get control, just change some behaviors they don't control.

Methods

Much of what we think of as control is actually a subconscious association of when it is OK to urinate, and when it is not. We need to modify those associations, as well as some habits and practices. There are a number of methods that can be used. We'll start with the basics: Being consistent, eliminating negatives, and not over-thinking. You'll probably be using these methods even if you decide to focus on one of the other methods, such as hypnosis, visualization, and lying.

Be Consistent

Consistency is critical. First and most simply, forbid yourself from ever holding pee when in diapers. This involves never wearing diapers anywhere or anytime you wouldn't want to wet, and never wearing a diaper you can't trust. Decide if you wish to be incontinent while changing into a diaper as well, and make the necessary preparations to wet then sometimes too.

Having more clues will help, but be aware of what those clues are. Your subconscious, nervous system, etc., don't magically know whether you are in a diaper or not. As a result, having clues other than just the diaper will help. Wetness is one that you've probably already experienced: Wetting the diaper a second time is easier than the first. Other clues include time of Day (such as evenings or bedtimes) and penis position (such as 'up' only when undiapered and 'down' only when diapered). These and other clues should be used consistently or intentionally made inconsistent. For example, wetness wouldn't be an appropriate clue for an ABDL who swims often, but swimming often would also provide the inconsistency needed to prevent wetness from being used as a clue.

Not Over-thinking

Maximizing the positives during your training, such as praising yourself for progress, giving yourself an affirmation of what you want, or simply taking the time to enjoy the process of wetting might help. However, they also involve consciously focusing on wetting. Herry points out that "focusing on wetting keeps it at the conscious level, but the goal is to get the automatic wetting into the subconscious level. I think it's like Quantum physics, where the attempts to measure the outcome affect the results" As a result, it might be best to give as little thought as possible to wetting before you do it, and maybe even while you are doing it.

There also might be a temptation to stop what you are doing, stand still, and wait to wet. This dedicates too much intentional thought and preparation to what we hope to be an accidental surprise. It might be better just to go about what you are doing and let the bladder empty later, when it is ready. Assuming that holding still isn't necessary to avoid pain or the risk of flooding, that is.

Eliminating Punishment

Eliminating the negative results - punishments - is probably the most effective approach, mainly because it provides a better overall experience in addition to helping with retraining. One negative experience can undo much positive progress.

The most ubiquitous punishment of wetting diapers is the risk of leaks. It is important to have confidence in your diaper and all the other layers of insurance. Tad Pole shares that "Wetting a thick nappy in a bed protected by a rubber sheet is easy. Wetting a thin nappy in an unprotected bed almost impossible." Herry adds "the conscious needs to know the diapers will work in order for the subconscious to use them."

This leak avoidance sometimes conflicts with wetness as a clue: If you are having trouble wetting a dry diaper, making it feel wet will help, but if you are having trouble with a wet diaper, it might be time to change into a dry one. Your subconscious might be able to accurately gauge the risk of leakage - and not wet a diaper that is about to leak.

Other Methods

Unlike the methods above, these methods will require an invested effort that might be ineffective. They include hypnosis, visualization, and lying.

Hypnosis can range from a full hypnosis regimen or just a suggestion file playing in the background while you work out. Here too, consistency plays a role: Wetting during a particular hypnotist's file will be easier if you always wear diapers when listening to that hypnotist.

Visualization is a method used by athletes to mentally rehearse the desired performance. It has limitations here because we aren't able to see critical parts of the performance, and so have to imagine. Also, it lacks the submission involved with hypnosis as well as the large collections of free files.

Lying: Disbelieved control is negated. Any method that convinces you that you are losing control might affect your beliefs and practices, eliminating control. An intentionally wet diaper and a helplessly wet diaper are exactly the same except for a brief intention, followed only by a memory. We don't really need to become conditionally incontinent: We can achieve the same effect by convincing ourselves that we are. This belief would then circularly, magically result in behaviors and emotions consistent with uncontrollable wetting while in diapers only. The lie then becomes true. This method has limitations, of course, especially for those who are researching untraining methods.

These secondary methods might or might not work for you.

Cautions

The application of these methods might have undesirable side-effects, including reduced capacity, fuzzy transitions, and misread clues.

As with most bodily functions, bladder capacity and control will decrease if not used. The rate of this decrease varies. Herry commented that "It got to the point where, day or night, I'd need to pee every hour or two." Tad Pole writes "If I've been wearing nappies a lot for a few days and then stop, the next day or so I feel the urge to pee often and feel I have to get up to go straight away when the urge hits me. After a while this disappears."

In addition to decreased capacity, the transition between uncontrolled and controlled might not be as immediate as we'd like. Peter Pan shares "I wear a cloth nappy every night. ... In the morning my bladder will sometime take a while to wake up and I wet my nappy uncontrollably till it does. I'm not always aware that I'm wetting my nappy."

Finally, there is the risk that clues might be misread. For example, the author discovered by accident that his body was using penis position as a clue. Fortunately training wasn't at the point where this caused an accident out of diapers.

Since retraining for uncontrolled wetting in diapers only is a gradual process for most, dealing with these is a matter of small adjustments to practice while wearing diapers sometimes and not wearing sometimes. Herry continued ..." Since then I've been working on regaining capacity. I suspect I've lost the uncontrolled wetting at night-time. It's something I liked having, but I'm not sure it's worth the loss of holding power." This gradual adjustment with working (or mostly working) biology is much easier than, for example, deciding not to wear 24/7 and having to retrain from some level of incontinence.

Conclusion

While not the full experience of incontinence, reducing wetting control while in diapers can add to the ABDL experience without immoderate risks. If you wear diapers often, you are probably some small measure into the process of uncontrolled diaper wetting. These methods might help you accelerate the process, although an ideal conditional incontinence might be difficult to achieve. Hopefully while reading this article, you developed a clearer picture of where you would like to be and are better equipped to get there (or back to there).

[ifeelsounsure0]

Year End Thank You

TW: Very Sentimental. I am still at the age where I am perhaps overly prone to being sentimental about things so if that triggers you. Please go wait till my next post in the new year.

 Foreword: Well according to my first post. I’ve been a part of this community for 48 days now. Such a short amount of time compared to the eons that the writers who I said inspired me have been on here. Nonetheless, I want to take the time to thank everyone who I’ve gotten to know in this community in those 7 or so weeks that I’ve been here. Words could not adequately convey my gratitude to you all but they’ll have to suffice.

 @midnightdancingsol: My beloved Celestial. Milord. What can I say to you that would convey how much I love you? I still vividly remember the day I sent you my first draft for Part 2 of Finding Love at 10 pm and just went to sleep right after. When I woke up in the morning, I had almost 300 notifications from all the edits you put onto the piece. Granted they were nothing horrible but I will be the first to admit that I have learned so much about writing and grammar simply from your corrections, even if they sometimes made me feel bad because I read them in a disappointed dad voice. Nonetheless, I love you so much mate and I hope you have a lovely 2022.

 @v1ntrix: The other half of the Celestial pair even though I like to call you the god of the Underworld. To say that we are similar would be an understatement. Never in my life would I have ever thought that I would meet someone in Discord who is so annoyingly similar to me and yet just different enough to avoid driving me insane. Our conversations sometimes make me forget that we met in this community and not on some strange philosophy or gaming server. Still, they’ve been some of the most fun that I’ve had in a long time. I don't really know what else to say to you. Thank you for dealing with my low self esteem and low opinion of myself, I don't think many people would be able to. Take care of yourself this coming 2022 and I can’t wait to talk to you again.

 @ggidolsmuts: Ddeun, ddeun. To say that my plots and plot line wouldn’t be the same without you would be underplaying your role. I am so grateful that even before I published my first fic, you took your time to talk with me about elements of my plot and the characters that I wanted to build. Truthfully, I don’t think the characters of So Hee and Sana in Finding Love would be who they are without your advice. For that, I am forever grateful. I wish I had more time to read all of your fics, there are so many and I know they’re amazing so I promise. One day I will get to them. For now, I just wanted to wish you an amazing 2022.

 @worldsover: The newest addition to my growing pool of people that I torture with my writing. Well… to say you’re an amazing writer, I think it would be a tad bit too obvious, so I’ll avoid mentioning it entirely. Thank you for taking your time to edit my latest fic, I know dealing with my stupidity can’t be easy but I am really thankful that you took your time to explain to me how to improve my writing. Hopefully, people can recognize that improvement, but nonetheless, I feel as though it has made my writing better, and I am my own greatest critic. I just wanted to wish you a happy new year and a happy birthday to one of my favorite writers.

 @writerpeach: I love your work, Peach. There’s really not much else to say. You’re an amazing writer, and I hope you continue to grace this small community with your works. Even though at times, I do feel a little pang in the heart when you tell me off for momming people, I still think you’re a lovely person. Thus, I wish you all the best in the coming year and hope that you’re able to at least be a little happier than you were this previous year.

 @lockefanfic: I know you’re on vacation, but perhaps you’ll read this when you come back. You’re probably the single greatest inspiration for me in writing than everyone else. BT was a fic that I fell in love with as soon as I started to read it, and I can only hope to capture a fragment of the world-building that you were able to accomplish within my own works. I hope you continue to enjoy your vacation and return to us soon. Much love.

 @justkajin: What to say. What to say. What to say. You were the first writer I ever read on this platform and the first person I ever messaged. You’re a beautiful person Kajin and an absolute pleasure to chat with. I don’t think there’s anyone who’s advocated for positive mental health as much as you have, and I think that’s an amazing thing. It hurts to see you write your final goodbye on planetport, and I hope that you change your mind later on, but know that no matter what, I still love and adore you. Even if you no longer write, I hope you stay on and keep giving us those fun comments that brought me so much joy when I first started. Hopefully, 2022 will be better for you, and I wish you all the best.

 @kaedewrites: One of our resident cuties and our resident cheater, although that title seems up for contention by some Suzy Stan, so we’ll have to see. Although we sometimes love to make fun of your slow writing speed and tendency to change favorites on the fly, I still love and adore you so much. I remember the day of my Math final when you texted me to ask if I was okay because I hadn’t been talking all day, and honestly, that meant so much to me. You’re such a cutie, and I hope you have a fantastic 2022 and some news about your beloved Chaewon.

 @kpopflorxl: It seems only fair to put your name after Kaede’s since you two were my first ship when I entered this strange community and will always be my favorite. I'm sorry about the drama that happened so early on in my career, and I'm really thankful that we were able to put it past us. You're a wonderful person, and I adore you a lot. It pains me to see you no longer writing in this Tumblr world, but I hope that you're enjoying whatever endeavors you're working in right now. I wish you all the best in 2022, Flor, and all the happiness in the world.

 @sinswithpleasure: BL5? No, I’m kidding, or am I? I don’t know what to say, mate. Gamble made me discover parts of me that I didn’t even know existed, and for that, I will be forever thankful. You’re such a fantastic person who always has valuable insights about relationships and life in general, so I cannot really express how much I truly cherish you. Hopefully, this coming year will go amazingly for you, and I cannot wish you anything but the best.

 @mintwithchoco: It takes a particular person to stay with Sins and contain the destructive force that is his mind, but you somehow accomplish it. To me, you are the resident Yeji Stan no matter what nonsense Kaede tries to pull, but I think, more importantly, you have my favorite Lippie piece on Tumblr right now, and for that, I adore you. I hope that you have an incredible 2022 and that you can continue to put out amazing works for all of us to enjoy.

 @asmodeussoularium: The cutest, and I mean the absolute cutest F1 fan within our little community. There’s no one else I would rather rely on for F1 recaps after the race when I had a final on the day of Abu Dhabi, so I couldn’t watch Verstappen win. I digress tho. An amazing writer who contributes more to Sins Corp more than Sins himself and definitely the one with the cutest pfp on Discord, and it’s not even close. A quick confession. The pfp made me rethink berets. Anyways, I wish you all the best in 2022 Asmo, and I can’t wait to read your next work.

 @co-reborn: Skips over after realizing he doesn’t follow me back. Fucking jackass. Well, I don’t know what to say, mate. I love your work. Obedience is by far one of my favorite interpretations of Mina within our community and there’s not much about your work that I can really hate. I do hope that sometimes you would stop fucking bitching about your follower and note count when I still have significantly less than you, but I digress. You’re still a wonderful person, and I hope that you have an amazing 2022. Perhaps maybe even see the light of Loona. One can only hope.

 @panchatea: The newest arrival into the Sins Corp Universe and another absolutely adorable writer who I may have seen dox himself once or twice and I gotta admit is an absolute cutie IRL as well. I love your attention to detail in your fics and your absolute obsession with presenting idols as accurately as possible, even though the conclusions of your fics may make me sad. Nonetheless, I hope that this coming 2022 is absolutely amazing for you, mate, and I can’t wait to see what you write this year.

 @nsfwmaemi: Another cutie and our resident Eunbi Stan second only to Peach himself. I’ve had so much fun talking to you about so many things, and it’s always a pleasure to talk to you. However, I have not yet had the chance to hear you sing, and I wish to hear this one day. Hopefully, you will grant me that wish this upcoming year. Still, I wish you a fantastic 2022 Maemi and all the happiness in the world.

 @usedpidemo: My favorite symbol, even though I will always think of you as a slice of pie whenever I say your name in my head. Delete this is an amazing series, and I won’t let some crazy anon tell you otherwise. You’re an amazing writer, and I hope that you grow more confident in your skills this year and continue to put out amazing works for us all to read. In the end. I hope that 2022 is a happier year for you than 2021 was. Take care of yourself, mate.

 @fillinforlater: Well… what the hell am I supposed to say about you. You’re a glory-seeking fool for being a Bayern fan, and I hate your guts. No, that doesn’t quite sound right. You’re an incredible person Smite. The person that I have gotten to know through discord is someone who is beautiful and amazing and someone that I would wish all the happiness in the world to. You’re amazing, love, and I hope you have the greatest year of your life in 2022.

 @banananutsmuthie: BNS. The writer with the cutest logo and the absolute best blog page out of any of us. I wish I would’ve gotten to talk to you more this year, and I hope to talk to you more this upcoming year. You’re an amazing writer, and I’m really excited to see where you take your writing from here. I wish you all the best, and I hope that 2022 will be an incredible year for you.

 @turtleturbulence: One of our newer writers and my absolute favorite reptile. Well, what is there to say. He is the, and I mean the IU Stan, and nothing's gonna change that. We have far too many interests in common, and when I say that sometimes your proposals make my heart flutter, I wouldn’t be lying. You’re such a cutie, and I’ll forgive you for not having part 2 out yet. Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in the future and can’t wait to talk to you again.

 @moonrazeeclipse: I’ll add a short bit for K since I really haven’t gotten to talk to him a lot. Thank you for noticing that I was on Pi’s discord; even though I know that may seem like a minuscule thing, it does make me realize that I am not as invisible as I sometimes hope I am. I hope you have an amazing 2022, mate, and can put out more amazing fics with Pi or by yourself.

 @nsfwflint: How could I describe you, Flint? Oh, I know. You’re like my opinionated old Uncle, who’s still in touch but just has very and I mean very strong opinions. Although most of them are generally right, we do tend to disagree on some things at times. I think you’re a great person Flint and funny even though you may hate my guts because I play blue in Magic 😂. I hope you have an unforgettable 2022 and continue to put out works at your absolutely rapid-fire pace.

 @cataboliac: The newest addition to our very special thread within the lounge. I’m glad you joined, and I absolutely love your writing, so I can’t wait to see more of it in the coming year. I wish you were online more so we could talk a bit more, but still, I hope you have an amazing 2022 and all your wishes come true.

 @existslikepristin: Or as I like to call him, boss. The founder of the great place where we all meet and the man I can accredit this fantastic opportunity to meet all these people listed above. Thank you for helping to build this community and making me feel like a welcome part of it. I know that my addition to the latest assignments post was definitely a late admission. However, I’m still ever so thankful that you chose to add me along with so many great writers that I look up to. I wish you a great 2022, boss, and hope everything goes exactly as you imagine.

And last but not least. To my beloved followers and readers. This wouldn’t be possible with all 500+ of you and I love you all so much. Hopefully, I will continue to impress you in the future. Anyways, I wish you all a Happy New Year. Love ya’ll.

[sh3llysh00]

Angsty Chimerica one-shot incoming :]

This involves my personal headcanons, so the CH personifications do not represent the government or their presidents in any way, they represent the people, culture, history, etc.

That being said, this one-shot does talk about heavy controversial topics very present in the US as of May 20th, 2022. If you are uncomfortable with reading something that discusses modern politics, please scroll and ignore.

TW/CW: character death, insulting/criticizing(?) modern governments, I made myself cry while writing this

Words: 1,657

.☆.☆.☆.☆.☆.

Empty. Whollow. Waiting. For something to happen. Something good or bad, she didn’t care anymore. No American did. They didn’t know what they were waiting for. A second Civil War? A Revolution? Waiting for the entire nation to keel over and collapse? Perhaps so. With the recent bills and laws being passed, it was made clear that the government was NOT listening to the cries and protests of the millions of citizens they were supposed to protect. Protesting turned into riots, which turned into oppression and unlawful protests. A violation of the rights that made the very constitution that birthed the United States. Yet, less than 250 years later, every other nation was laughing. They were laughing at the sorry excuse for a superpower. They were laughing and making jokes about school shootings. They were laughing at the bills that were murdering her people. Their people. America felt broken. She represented their people, and her people were dying. She was dying. Ame had begged their congress leaders and their president to do something. Anything. Please. Nothing has changed. The bills were passed. It was easy for some to turn a blind eye and say “not my state, not my problem.” Yet even those who put on a false scoff were just as terrified. Everyone was just hoping they were overreacting. It was just a phase, it would eventually work itself out, and everyone could laugh about 2020 again.

It was getting worse and worse. America was tired. So fucking tired.

The personification of China had decided to pay a visit to his lover. He told his president it was simply trade and political matters, perhaps even to scoff and belittle the poor woman. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, but it allowed him a free 24 hours to visit the Country.

China had used the embassy of China in D.C. to make it there, as everyone did in different Countries in the buildings of the embassies. It was stress-free for the Countryhumans to use them effortlessly to teleport from nation to nation to discuss political matters. Although most of the time they were lying and doing anything but using it for political and trading matters, but that's far from the point.

After making his way through security and giving the same lie he had given them and his president, everytime, he walked into Ame’s office, his entire body nearly cracking and breaking from what he saw.

Ame wasn’t at her desk, looking tired and pale as usual, but much worse. She was cowering and trembling on the floor, her one giant wing wrapping around her, to hide their shame. China didn’t need to look around her feathered limb to see the cracks. They got worse little by little every time he visited, but nothing she wasn’t used to, at least in her words. But God, now they were everywhere on her striped skin. She was nearly falling apart. It was almost funny. Ironic, at least. It reminded China of when he had found the Soviet Union in a very similar position, albeit he was too paralyzed to be trembling like his enemy, 30 years later.

The Eastern Country shook his head to clear his thoughts and immediately walked over to kneel in front of his lover, whispering gently, “My love? Can I touch you?” Ame stopped breathing for a moment and slowly nodded, but it didn’t stop her from shivering.

China frowned and caressed the feathers of the wing slowly, not stopping when the giant thing fluttered and leaned into his touch, as if it had a mind of its own. The Chinese nation sighed gently and sat on his knees as he used his other hand to run his fingers through Ame’s golden locks. In response, her breathing slightly settled and she curled in on herself, but had stopped shaking as much. Still quivering, but not shaking like a leaf in a Florida hurricane. China smiled at the barely progress he made and leaned down to kiss Ame on the forehead. It was barely a peck, but it let her know that he was here, real, and not just a twisted hallucination her mind had made to comfort her. That had happened a few times, when Ame had mistaken him for some form of false hallucination.

China hummed and over the course of a full minute and a half, slowly lifted his fiance into his arms and held her like a delicate porcelain doll, rocking her back and forth. Ame sniffed nastily and leaned into her partner's shoulder, the mentioned one not caring if his clothes had gotten soaked in tears and snot. This wasn’t the first time he had done this, he was an expert at it by now…

He just hoped it wasn’t the last.

China rubbed her back smoothly, whispering, “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked quietly, even if they both knew that he was fully aware of the ‘situation’. Everyone knew about it at this point. Everyone was staring at it as it happened. It had gotten so bad to a point where Countries like Canada had people asking their government if they would take in American refugees. How ironic. How sad. How pathetic.

Ame hummed hoarsely and rested her head on his chest. China frowned at how broken her voice sounded just from a hardly audible sound alone. It’s gotten THAT bad. She was already showing symptoms he’s seen from other previously living nations before they died. It ate at his heart. He couldn’t remember the signs. Some symptoms were present when it was already too late, but he couldn’t remember which ones they were.

Or perhaps he did… he was just in denial. Nonetheless, it made his heart sink. It wasn’t fair… they had been together for at least 40 years at this point, and now he was probably holding his dying lover in his arms.

Even he couldn’t help the tears running down his cheeks. It was a mix of already mourning his lover’s death, but also pent up sorrow of his own citizen’s depression.

America opened her eyes and her lips curled downward after she felt salty tears fall onto her arms. She hummed and weakly wrapped her arms around China’s neck, pulling herself up to give him a hug. The man whimpered and tightened his hold on her. “I don’t want you to die.”

Ame hummed and kissed his red cheek, wrapping her wing around him. “I..I know. I don’t want you to s..see me die. My…p-eople are scared. Th..they’re losing h-hope. I repres..ent them.” She explained. “I’m sorry.” Ame whispered, resting her chin on his shoulder. Her muscles hurt.

China tightened his protective hold on her, whispering angrily, “No. This isn’t right. It’s not you or your people’s fault. You don’t have to apologize. It’s not fair. They’re going against everything you’re built on. Fuck, they’re passing bills that are the opposite of what your people voted for. It’s not okay.”

Ame chuckled dryly and let herself go limp in the other's arms.

“You…you think I don’t know that? P…people have dis…distrusted the government since the 60’s. Everyone knows that c-congress is just full of rich men that got where they are f-from exploiting the people.” She closed her eyes, breathing slowly. “It’s ironic, i-isn’t it? T-two hundred years ago I…we were f-fighting an oppressive power for no representation or empathy for th-the people at the bottom… people don’t care about history, until it repeats itself.” She said bitterly, coughing up dry blood as more cracks broke her body.

The Chinese man frowned and kissed her forehead, his hands trembling just the same as he had found her earlier. It was painfully obvious that she was already too far gone to save. Is that why Canada and Britain had stopped talking to her? The thought made his skin crawl… they’d rather just let her die like this? He knew he couldn’t blame them too much, they could only do so much, but Christ, they could’ve at least comforted her. Now she was dying in his arms right in front of his eyes, being held in his arms.

It was clear to him now. He wasn’t engaged. He was already a widowed man.

China parted his lips to say something, only to be interrupted by the dying Country, “I’m sorry we never got married. I was really looking forward to seeing North Korea’s face as I kissed you under the wedding arch.” She laughed gently, kissing China’s shoulder.

He didn’t laugh. He choked a sob and started crying into his unofficial-wife’s shoulder. IT WASN’T FAIR, IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR, HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HE WANTS TO FALL ASLEEP WITH HIS WIFE IN HIS ARMS, HE WANTS TO WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF HER APPLE PIE IN THE KITCHEN, HE WANTS TO SLOW DANCE WITH HER IN THE LIVING ROOM, HE WANTS TO LOOK ACROSS THE DINING ROOM AND LOOK AT HER AS IF GOD HAD PUT AN ANGEL ON EARTH JUST FOR HIM, HE WANTS- HE NEEDS-

“Yao?” The whisper of his name made him stop and sit stiff. He swallowed a sob and suddenly felt embarrassed. He wasn’t the one dying, and yet he was the one being comforted. “Y…yes, Adrian?”

Ame smiled and pulled back to kiss his lips tenderly, with just as much love and adoration as they had all these 40 years. “I love you.”

China sniffed and smiled, resting his forehead against hers as the cracks were finally taking hold and breaking off her fingers, one by one. “I love you more.”

Ame hummed, letting herself limply lay in his lap as he stroked her hair. Soft and warm. At least she would pass like this. “I love you most.”

Her husband stayed silent as he felt the Western nation disappear from his arms, opening his eyes to find them empty.

[potteresque-ire]

Hiya! I've only just started watching Chinese dramas and the drama behind the drama is already blowing my Western mind. Thanks for your meta btw! I was thinking about what you said about Chinese government not explicitly banning anything, rather people had BETTER catch on to what they mean 😨 Is it possible that delaying OOL is their way of warning future productions to think twice before involving Xiao Zhan, because they want to undermine his popularity? As he is 'too entertaining' 💀

Hiya Anon!! The decision to air a c-drama lies in both the government and the platforms. Once the drama gets the distribution permit from the National Radio and Television Administration (NRTA), it's up to the platforms to schedule the airing date.

The distribution permit for OOL was issued in May 2020, and so the government cleared it for airing a while ago. And so, it is the platforms that are holding the airing date back.

Multiple considerations go into the decision of when to air any drama. Here are some financial considerations I can think of: are there fierce competitors in the same period? It's usual for multiple c-dramas to begin airing on similar dates. The week between 2019/06/23 and 2019/06/30, for example, 9 series began airing—including The Untamed on 2019/06/27. And on that very same date, another prominent, very well-made drama also began its airing—The Longest Day in Chang'An 長安十二時辰). 

And then, has a popular drama of a similar genre been aired right before? If so, it may be wise to push back the airing date a little. Is it exam period or is it summer, with students being on vacation and having more free time to watch TV, chase after their favourite idols and buy merchandises? That’s the golden season for idol dramas! Are the production studios, platforms under pressure to produce a solid profit report to their investors? Better move a series with very bankable stars then ...

Afterwards, there are, of course, political considerations. For those who may be worried about c-ent’s current upheaval, I’d like to emphasise this: the government swooping in and say, or hint, that this and that popular thing displeases its Socialist sensibilities isn’t new. Dangai isn’t the first genre to be soft-banned, for example; before that, there was the ... Imperial Harem infighting genre 宮鬥劇 (sorry for the silly translation, I don’t know what’s the proper name for it!), which was extremely popular at the time of the ban with recent hits such as The Legend of Zhen Huan 後宮甄嬛傳 and Story of Yanxi Palace 延禧攻略. There was the time travel genre 穿越劇 (For example, Scarlet Heart 步步驚心). The state criticism against “sissy” 娘炮 idols also made its former round in 2018. 

And so, while there may not have been precedences where the government targets c-ent’s obsession with “traffic” 流量—a relatively new term that describes the heavy flow of social media posts, of buzz and cash surrounding a beloved something or someone, c-ent has a long history of, and ample experiences with, dealing with their government’s displeasure at something that its audience loves, that is financially lucrative for the industry and most importantly, along that line, something the industry wishes to keep. 

The last point may be worth emphasising: the production studios, the platforms (streaming, social media etc), the marketing companies, the yxh, the companies who employ celebrities as their spokespeople etc etc, all of them desperately want to keep stars like Gg and Dd around. This is especially true with c-ent being in its “bitter cold winter” financially since 2018, with the tightening censorship that means hit dramas, and "top traffic” 頂流 stars, are increasingly more difficult to make or come by. “Top traffic” stars, in particular, are very attractive to the industry because their fans are (far) more willing to spend money, generate the needed buzz on social media to bring in more “passer-by” audience and in turn, more revenue, and more investment, and more endorsements and sponsorships (see: the number of Dd commercials in SDOC4). 

Therefore, as fans and audience, I think it’s safe to assume this: at least on the front of wishing to protect Gg and Dd’s star status, to protect potentially popular dramas and genres such as OOL, these financial interests stand with us. Does this “saving” go against what is safe for these companies? One can say so. It would be safer for the platforms, for example, to air ... um, say, The Best Speeches by President Xi in place of dramas like OOL. The act would likely please the government very much; signal, perhaps, that the platforms have caught on its ultimate dream, with Xi being the One Idol of China. But this decision would also go against the very nature of these companies as for-profit entities, these Capitalist Existence that are traded in stock markets and are driven to make as much money and as quickly as they can.

What, then, is the easiest way to protect traffic stars like Gg and Dd, like Yang Zi 楊紫, the lead actress of OOL who is also very popular and who, reportedly, also has her own rather ... rambunctious corner of fandom? What’s the easiest way to “save” a potentially popular drama like OOL? Saying what is *the* easiest way may be difficult, but I believe I can name one easy way: to simply keep these popular people, these (potentially) popular things out of attention for a while, especially with October 1st (Communist China’s birthday) drawing near and in 2021, the year of the Chinese Communist Party’s Centennial. 

After all, regulations from the Chinese government tend to come in bursts—axes falling left, right and centre for a while and in quick succession, followed by an extended period of silence (and neglect). The wait, therefore, doesn’t have to be long at all. As short as after a few month’s time, certain parts of c-ent may return to what it was like before and these c-ent companies, having had so much experience in working around situations like this, would know when that time comes, when the coast is clear.

Meanwhile, as fans, we wait. Being in i-fandom means our words and actions have relatively little effect, but if we were in China, our best action would, too, likely be similar to the platforms that delay the airing of OOL, except we cross out the the word “popular” and replace it with “beloved”: we keep our beloved people, our beloved things out of attention. We refrain from going around and complaining, no matter how much we wish to watch the show. We refrain from starting fights. We stay out of hot searches. The Chinese government is bureaucratic and corruption is rampant, which means often times, the higher-ups in charge of dropping the axes have little knowledge about who or what their axes are supposed to fall on, and little care if they get it wrong. In such circumstances, the key to survival is to not stick one’s head out; to make sure we don’t offer our neck, and more importantly, our favourite stars’ neck, for the axes to fall on.

It may be difficult sometimes. We’ll hear hisses, from antis, from doubters, from those who simply aren’t familiar with the situation, that will tempt us to put ourselves and our favourite stars out in the open where the axes are raining. Patience and independent thinking are important in times like this, qualities that allows us to stop, excuse ourselves from the virtual crowd and think ~ wait, is what is being said true? 

The government’s attack on “traffic”, for example, together with the soft-ban on Dangai, have led to soft hisses that Gg and Dd are the targets. 

I invite everyone to step back and think a little—are they?

Here’s one small, but important point that may be lost in translation (and lost, too, even in some Chinese discussions where netizens have scrolled through their feeds too quickly): in the state opinion pieces, the term used against “traffic” stars has consistently been “唯流量”, with 流量 = traffic, and 唯 = only. The presence of the character 唯 is crucial: 唯流量 are not simply “traffic”, or popular stars; they are stars with only traffic, with nothing but traffic. No acting skills, no singing or dancing skills, no other demonstrated capabilities beyond getting their fans to vote and comment and buy things for them.

Are Gg and Dd 唯流量?

Here’s Gg:

(For those who may not know: A Dream Like A Dream 如夢之夢 is not just a Chinese language play. A Chinese adjective that has been used to describe it is 殿堂級 ~ “palace hall grade”, ie, it’s a royalty. Trivia: the version in China ends with a cappella with Patient #5 singing about himself, which means Patient #5 can ruin the finale of the 8 hour show if he fails to sing well, and beautifully.)

And here’s Dd: 

I think I can rest my case. My fellow turtles, what do you think? 

Such rumours—that so and so, this and that are the alleged targets—are currently running rampant on Chinese social media, with almost every noteworthy celebrity and media projects etc being named by a few who dislike them. However—or rather, ironically, one may say?—because everyone and everything under the sun has been named, the net effect is not that different from if nothing has been named at all. 

If a similar rumour, if more of such rumours creep onto the shores of i-fandom, therefore, please do not be afraid and remember—these speculations, these noises will most likely fade into obscurity unless the populous Gg+Dd fandom amplify it with their voices, even if theses voices are words of defence.

Silence can be a defence. Silence can be the best defence.

For the time being, with the greater sociopolitical environment being what it is, with “Capital” being reportedly targeted by the state (previously discussed here), platforms and TV stations that are part of Capital may be extra careful and temporarily keep all traffic stars out of their productions, out of sight.

But I remind myself this ~ this isn’t about Gg and Dd. This probably isn’t about 99.9% of the stars who may be temporarily kept out of these productions in the coming weeks, some of whom may have starred in Dangai. As a corollary, I find it important to remind myself that too, to think twice before wondering aloud who may be the targets, to make sure I do not, even accidentally, put any non Gg Dd star and their fans under the axes—not because my words can influence the Chinese government, but rather, because of a simple, almost cliché reason: Do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you.   

After all, one step outside fandom, people cannot tell one idol from another, cannot tell one drama from another, cannot tell cpfs from solos ...

As fans of c-ent, we’re in this together. ❤️💛💚

[gffa]

I know I've brought this up before, but how much of the fandom reception of the prequels do you think stemmed from the genre dissonance? That the prequels, genre-wise, are closer to high fantasy, while the OT is more an adventure/space western/underdog triumph story.

The prequels also have elements more reminiscent of a romantic period/court drama/Shakespearean tragedy, while if you consider the underdog angle of the OT, the OT also seems kinda similar to some of those inspirational movies about sports teams or something, or a shonen anime with the "Power of Friendship".

I'm just saying, these are rather disparate genres that tend to attract different demographics of people.

And not many people tend to be... great about understanding why they don't like something, much less putting it into words, or understanding that they can dislike something without that something being actually bad. (For example, instead of "I just don't really like [thing]," the usual statement is something along the lines of "[thing] absolutely sucks.")

So the usual response is trying to find (and gather) solidarity while putting down or being condescending towards any dissent, and trying to justify their own dislike. (*gestures vaguely towards pineapple on pizza*)

And historically, it's not uncommon for people to... react strongly towards things they find... different or abnormal, which they judge based on themselves, their emotional response to something, and what they're used to.

Looking at kids, this behavior is... fairly normal. "You're weird," "ew, why do you like that, that's gross," "that's stupid," and so on. A lot of kids/teens/young adults also get defensive really easily. And let's face it--adults are basically just older, taller kids who've had to deal with more of life.

(To be honest, I also get defensive really easily. A lot of people do, and it's... it's normal. The defensive reaction can be lashing out, denial, or just being passive-aggressive or staying silent and tuning it out or mentally rolling your eyes at it. But I'm trying to work on it, because just because it's normal doesn't mean it's a good reaction.)

So, what I'm wondering is whether some fans dislike the prequels simply because it's a different genre...

...but instead of realizing that, they try to defend and justify their dislike by pointing fingers and criticizing whatever stood out or looked different from the OT or cherry-picking details/taking things out of context or making negative conflations (that can be refuted).

Because it's not about logic, it's about how they feel. And people want to feel justified and validated, and we want to feel like we're right and we enjoy staying in our comfort zones. So... yeah. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LOL, okay, this response is going to be really disjointed because I went off in like a dozen different tangents and even then it's not enough to cover everything, so just kind of read this in a Scattered Thoughts Nerd kind of tone, where I'm staring off into the distance because Navel Gazing Gets Me Going Sometimes. 😂 In my experience, it's sort of a mix. I don't hang around a lot of people who dislike the prequels (in the sense of dismissing them/not being fannish about them) because, well, that's the heart of my interest in Star Wars, so our areas of interest basically don't really overlap that much, so I don't have a chance to talk to a lot of people and find out their reasons or even how they dislike the prequels, in the bigger trends of fandom. I do think there's an element of what you're talking about, that sometimes people can't just dislike things because it's not their genre of choice, that's absolutely a part of it. Mostly because that's how a lot of people react to anything they don't like (and it's something I and literally everyone else has to work on), there has to be a reason for it that it's objectively bad and, like, I have experienced a lot of people getting mad because I like something in a different way than they do. And I don't mean just in Star Wars fandom, but in almost any given fandom--if someone likes something in a way someone else doesn't, if they talk loudly about it (even within their own space), then there's always a contingent of people who have to find a reason why that person is objectively wrong (or even try to make them morally wrong), rather than just shrugging and going, "We see things differently, my view on things doesn't overwrite theirs and their view on things doesn't overwrite mine." It gets more complicated in instances where fandom attitudes genuinely can be hurtful, especially when they're overlapping into the way real people are treated, likes/dislikes don't 100% exist in a bubble, especially when it comes to queer fans, fans of color, disabled fans, mentally ill fans, etc. But that there are a lot of instances where fandom culture has always been--and is increasingly so--contentious and it's hard to chill out when someone is always screaming at you, when the atmosphere of the fandom is always so intense. Further, there's also an element of how fandom has always been--and also is increasingly so--about personal resonance, personal emotional investment, interpretation, and meaning. That sometimes we identify with something so deeply that we feel attacked when someone else likes or dislikes something we feel so strongly about, something that we feel is a reflection of ourselves, and I see a lot of that as well. And this, too, often crosses over into lines of how the context of how we treat characters can be reflections of how we treat real world people, but that there's no monolith here as well. For example: I make fun of Anakin, this angers some people, because how dare I not take this fictional victim 100% seriously, despite that I have repeatedly said that Anakin is the character I most identify with, that things I make fun of him for are ones that I resonate with personally. I'm not disrespecting mentally ill people, especially considering that Anakin is not bound to a single interpretation on this front--he is not canonically mentally ill, no matter how easy it is for us in fandom to map much of that onto his character or, in my case, feel that so much of what I see in him are things I struggle with myself. By and large, the majority of the people I see (at least on tumblr) who make fun of Anakin are doing so within the same vein, that they're being silly about him on things that they personally relate to. (My experiences on this are not universal, I cannot speak for the whole of even any one part of fandom, only my own sphere of experience, but this is what I've seen.) As always, it's fine if someone doesn't vibe with my style or they find that it's not their thing because they do take him more seriously, but that preference does not make my jokes

suddenly not have the context that I relate a lot to what I see in Anakin. In contrast, the way some of the fandom treats Mace or Finn isn't just personal all the time. Not liking their characters isn't inherently racist, but the way they're consistently, consistently treated sure as hell speaks to a larger pattern of racism in fandom and doesn't come without that context. It's the same with Rey--is there a huge vein of misogyny when it comes to her character? Abso-fucking-lutely there is. Things Luke and Anakin get a pass on, Rey is raked over the coals for. Is everyone who dislikes Rey a misogynist? Not even close. Some don't like her because Finn was used as a prop for her story. Some people don't like her because she got sucked into Kylo Ren's story too much. Some just don't care for the way she was written for other reasons. Some just don't vibe with her. It's fine. Nothing is a monolith. And to circle this back around to what you're talking about--it's hard to judge, both because no part of fandom is a monolith in their reactions, but also because we're only hearing from a selection of the fans. How do you know how many people who aren't fans of the prequels, who just don't care for them because it's not their genre, but just go about their day? You don't hear from a lot of them because they moved on to things they do like, so it seems like they must not exist--except, they do, and they're just out there doing things they like more. We only hear from the people who feel the need to tell others they dislike the prequels for this reason or that reason, some valid, some less valid, etc. Ultimately, I do think there's probably a fair amount of genre dissonance for why people dislike the prequels and channel that into "they're objectively bad" and get defensive when people like them and say they were great, but only because that's true of anything anywhere. But that it's only one small slice of the bigger picture (and there's a lot of stuff that I had to eschew in the writing of this response as well because it can be a pretty sprawling topic), where there are tons of reasons and reactions that people have, as well as they're perfectly free to dislike the prequels for whatever reason they do or don't have, it doesn't really affect my opinions, unless they're trying to shove it in my face or are being a dick to those who disagree with them.

[trashahime]

Anon, sorry for taking so long and the length. There was a lot to address and I tend to ramble. Due to the length I am going to divide your ask in chunks and respond to each paragraph individually for clarity's sake.

I'm curious as to why you have addressed this to Sesskagu shippers both here and later. TBH, this alone will make many doubt that you are truly neutral because you seem to have fallen for the common but false claim that the anti sentiment has it's roots in bitterness over a lost ship war.

Those supporting the end are made up of a variety of people who are simply united in their dislike/disappointment. Among them are shippers and non-shippers, antis, neutrals and even some SR fans who are bothered by how their ship is portrayed.

Personally, I don't think it takes any kind of mental gymnastics to have a problem with how Sessrin is depicted in Yashahime. There are some antis who probably do purposely make the worst possible interpretations to fuel their disgust/anger. But most are being completely sincere in their belief that Rin was married and pregnant by the time she was 15. You have probably already seen and dismissed all the anti arguments to support this view so it would be pointless to rehash them. You can believe it's just about disliking Sessrin but there were many antis like myself who were willing to accept the relationship even if we found it distasteful had Sunrise gone about things differently.

Each "hater" has their own reason for continuing to watch the show and I can't speak for them. Or as a "hater" either as I enjoyed the show. But I also think it's a trainwreck with many issues and problematic portrayals.

If people are targeting individuals and maliciously interacting with their posts then that is definitely harassment. However, I suspect you also mean the general posts made by antis criticizing those who watch the show.

The belief that watching/supporting Yashahime equals supporting a p*dophilic portrayal of Sessrin and other unsavory stuff is an opinion I disagree with. But I also disagree that expressing that opinion is harassment.

I get why you find it to be extremely harsh and hurtful but I also think you are taking it very personally when you needn't.

Consider my position. I'm an anti that still enjoys Yashahime. Most of those posts are made by my moots, some of which I have very friendly interactions with. I have even more reason to feel personally attacked by them but I don't. Just because I respect someone's right to an opinion that doesn't mean I am obligated to agree with it and make it apply it to myself. Unless you agree that liking Yashahime means condoning p*dophilia, then I'd advise you to take the view that those posts don't pertain to you at all.

As for petitions, bad reviews, being glad Yashahime is almost over... Well that's some of the least offensive actions an anti can take. Two of the three are against corporations, not fellow fandom members and the other is just a celebration amongst themselves.

They don't affect anyone else unless the petitions and bad reviews are substantial enough to put the shows future in jeopardy. IMO, the correct counter action is good reviews and supportive petitions, not telling antis to stop. They have the right to express their opinions.

I have seen many grooming and csa survivors say they also don't view Sessrin as having those aspects. However, there are many survivors on the anti side that strongly disagree. While I think that the opinions of those who have endured similar circumstances have more weight, it also creates kind of a never ending tug of war situation where neither side can really "win" the argument because they are equally balanced. For every survivor saying it is, there is one saying it's not.

Generally, I choose not to use the words p*dophilia or grooming when describing the Sessrin relationship or say that everyone who likes the pairing is a P&G apologist.

Many antis don't agree on this, but I think it's possible to have headcanons and scenarios that result in a version of Sessrin in which those things are not present. Fanonwise anyway. To me, the canon situation can definitely be interpreted to believe that they are present.

Mostly, I tend not to use the terms because they have specific psychological and legal definitions. That makes it very easy for SR fans to completely dismiss the idea that they could apply to Sessrin because it's not a perfect fit. I think if it turns out to be part of actual canon or if it's just part of one's own headcanon that Sesshomaru was "waiting" for Rin to grow up and courting her with gifts like the kimonos then that means he had a romantic interest in her when she was too young for it to be acceptable.

He might not be a technical p*do in that he is attracted to children, but his thoughts and actions are of one with regards to Rin. I agree with those that say Sesshomaru would never intentionally manipulate or pressure Rin to be with him, thus not "technically" grooming.

However, informing her via courting that he wants to be with her when she is older does put a type of manipulative pressure on her. For years, she will have to live with the knowledge that her literal savior, the most important person to her in the world, someone she loves and doesn't want to disappoint, is waiting for her. It will absolutely influence her life choices and who she becomes.

No need to apologise, I don't mind being vented at and am clearly prone to long-ass messages myself.

I think you do have some valid frustrations but I don't think they all are.

It's often forgotten that antis are major fans too. Many wanted to love Yashahime but in their eyes Yashahime "bashes" the OG and it's characters. It's ruined something they held near and dear. And they are highly upset about it.

Think about it, that's probably why you and others are so angry at the criticism. It's bashing something you all enjoy or maybe even love and it's making you highly upset. You all are more alike then you realize.

You can let it all impact your fandom experience or realise there is very little you can do about it because that criticism, even if you find it unfounded, harsh or extreme has the right to exist provided it doesn't break the rules of the website. You won't be able to block it all away.

it's a tired old cliche but it's true that you can't control what others do, only your own reaction to it. And frankly I think some of your reactions are as extreme as to what you ascribe to antis. I mean, you want them to stop celebrating the end of Yashahime. How does that really personally affect you?

A change in perspective as I described earlier goes a long way in not taking anti criticism personally. It even works when you are being personally attacked. I have seen posts about me specifically saying I am a deluded and deranged individual with real life mental health issues just because I think Kagura is the mom. Those people don't know me and I know the truth about myself. So why let someone's unfounded false world view affect me or my fandom experience?

Anyway, you probably just wanted to rant and weren't expecting or wanting this massive response. I hope you find a way to deal with the negativity because it's not completely avoidable but it will die down eventually.

[juuls]

This was a comment left on chapter 11 of my fem!Tony Stuckony time travel/soulmate fic, Hanging From a Cross of Iron, and I just wanted to put a couple things out there.

First of all, I’m not mad. We’ll make that clear. I’ve received variations of this comment before and it’s rather on the mark. But sometimes both sides can be correct in how they interpret a piece of fiction, and I wanted to show that.

So… yeah. This is something I get every so often on this fic, especially around this chapter (10-12ish) and I just… really wanted to post my reply to it, if for nothing other than explaining the way my brain works and WHY I hate Captain America: Civil War so much for ruining so many good things in fandom.

I’m not putting this out there for sympathy or agreement or to start a fight or stupid shit. It’s more like a… “I’m tired of explaining myself, let me post something I feel is a semi-eloquent response to someone who was at least mostly respectful and got some things right, who I know does represent a fair portion of people who may be interested in reading this fic,” which I could then just point/link to the next time I wake up to things making me sad in my inbox on top of me being sad and feeling guilty at not having written for a while.

Stupid covid. Stupid life being dumb and depressing and draining energy and happiness from many. Just you wait. I’ll be back soon with Codega and this fic, Cross.

But here. This is my reply to the above comment:

So I don’t normally reply to critique such as this because this IS fanfiction, but you are at least part right: it IS supposed to be unfair.

This is me working out my issues with Civil War, because boy that sure as fuck pissed me off. I love Stuckony, but after CACW it was really hard to reconcile that love anymore. So this was my way to do that, and I 100% wanted to bring in the unfairness, the distrust, the favouritism, the… meanness that I saw and felt after that.

It’s also a way for me to work through my issues at the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband—I started writing this shortly after packing my bags and leaving.

I wanted a slow, somewhat realistic, non-fairytale path to even partial redemption, shared pain and circumstances and experiences, and to show that things CAN work out as long as certain lines are not crossed. I skirt the line sometimes, definitely on purpose, but that’s for ME.

I wanted to turn the tables: Steve (and Bucky) were out of their time and comfort zone in the future—Toni, in turn, needed to be out of her time and comfort zone in the past.

Plus, can you imagine a soulmate world where you’ve had a partner and you think “this is it”? Then bam! Suddenly someone’s suddenly thrust into your life.

And I wanted to play on every single issue Toni would have experienced with her family, friends, “friends”, enemies, Obie, her company, the world, etc., post-IM2.

None of them have had an easy go of it and war is goddamn hell. They ALL have PTSD. (But also, lol, the Howlies start laying into Stucky about what you’re getting mad about here too, so I’m way ahead of you!)

From the beginning, this was as much a psychological setting as a romantic one: way more so in the beginning. But it slowly crawls its way out of the murk. I wanted a soulmate story where it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I wanted a story where they had to fight for it… or where they had a choice, shitty as it may be (they’ll NEVER choose not to have Toni, that was never going to happen). I wanted something… realistic, even amidst super soldiers, super tech, an almost unbelievable war, and soulmates existing.

I wanted it to be a fight. I wanted rejection… then them, ALL of them, to choose each other despite that, despite their past, and despite fate.

That is my goal with this fic. And since I take my own sweet time, that’s really not readily apparent so soon in this fic, even at chapter 11.

The love will be there. The unconditional love, the equal triadic love. Not just Stucky plus Toni. Because believe me, Stucky is probably one of my least favourite ships that include some of my favourite characters. Sounds ridiculous since I write them here, but as a historian I wanted to take that, take some realism, with a dash of ridiculous and hurt and pain and anger, and see what I could do with that.

The entire reason this story exists is because of a scene idea I had that doesn’t come about until the future in the 20s chapters. Leaning on each other and trusting each other because one of them was lost. Well, technically, that happens twice.

But the point is: this is a long as fuck story towards a love they have to (and WANT to, eventually) fight tor.

This fic is for me. It’s for people like me. It’s for people who don’t want an easy love story. It’s absolutely okay that you don’t like it! There are SO many fics that I dislike for a variety of reasons, and I simply close it, mark it as Did Not Finish, and don’t return. I recognize not every fic is for me.

This one’s for me. I may have sort of stalled out where I’m at in the 20s chapters, but it’s left at a pretty good place, and I’m looking forward to this dumb pandemic so I can get back to forging this love between these three idiots, as well as pick up an old Star Wars story I left 4+ years ago due to the abuse at the hands of my ex. But I’m ready to return to it now. Well, after the world calms down a little.

It’s okay if you’re done with this story—that is 100% your choice and I will never begrudge you that. I’m glad you gave it a try though! If you’re interested, you could skip ahead and see how the dynamics have changed, or I could give you clips and examples too.

My one wish (though I understand it completely) is that you had not done this on Anon. For a few reasons:

1, I would never hold this opinion against you, especially because you got tons of it right! Go you!

2, I’d love to understand you better and discuss this with you. No recriminations whatsoever.

3, But I do wonder who of those who have read my other writings left me this message. It makes me a little sad, and I will wonder which of the people I talk to have this negative opinion of me now, but that’s also my own past issues rearing their ugly heads. You have every right to remain on Anon, though it’s not so nice when you wake from a nice dream and discover anon ‘dislike’ in your inbox on a work you slaved away on, and that the dislike is specifically about the things you wrote about deliberately, hah. Sorta funny, actually, so I’ll let that one go. xD

Thank you, though, even if I disliked reading this words: it helps me to look at my own work critically and to better understand how to frame and write things going forward.

Not every fic is for everyone, and that’s okay. I’ve encountered mine, you’ve encountered yours, but I think we’ve both learned from this interaction.

Whoever you may be, even if you divulge your handle to me, my respect for you wouldn’t diminish. It’s good to have healthy discussions and to look critically upon your own work—even if I am a sensitive bean and it hurts a little, I’m fine. :P

I think the lesson to be learned here is: fuck everything after CACW!!!! Grrrrr xD

Take care,

Juuls

P.S. I may post parts of this on my Tumblr because I do occasionally encounter similar complaints about this story, and I think maybe this is the most coherent and respectful enough comment-reply response I’ve had on this topic. Thank you.

P.P.S. Happy to talk privately too!

P.P.P.S. And the offer still stands for some lovely clips from future chapters, especially if you’re not considering continuing reading this story anymore; it’ll at least show what I’m talking about and what I’ve been working tirelessly towards. It’s hard—fucking hard—work to get past CACW and still like these characters together (my fic Paper Boats is probably one of my bigger testaments to that, oof) and I admit it’s still really really hard and I struggle with it. Covid isn’t the only reason I’ve sort of stalled out on that. But that’s more because I’m like “now what?” than not seeing any love between these three.

It’s a long journey. I knew it was going to be. But I like a challenge. :)

Take care, be well, stay safe, to you and all of yours.

And may you find many fics you love!

[passionate-reply]

In 1993, Billy Idol--yes, that Billy Idol--went completely mad and made an electronic album full of futuristic themes, samples, and techno beats. Many consider Cyberpunk one of the worst albums of all time, but on this week’s installment of Great Albums, we provide a somewhat more positive approach. Check out the video, or read the transcript below the break!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! In this installment, I’ll be taking a look at an artist one might not normally associate with the usual “pantheon” of synthesizer jockeys I usually talk about: Billy Idol. Initially known as the frontman of punk outfit Generation X, Idol found success as a solo artist in the early 1980s, fusing tough-as-nails punk aesthetics with a lavish, almost camp sense of glam, and his visually arresting pop-rock made him an MTV-friendly star of the “Second British Invasion.” While one couldn’t fairly argue that Idol was an “electronic musician,” his early work does contain moments of mild electro-curiosity, perhaps most notably the mercurial ballad, “Eyes Without a Face.”

Music: “Eyes Without a Face”

But despite the minor synth touches of the hit single “Eyes Without a Face,” few in the 1980s could have possibly expected the turn Idol’s career would eventually take by the time of his 5th studio LP: 1993’s Cyberpunk. Cyberpunk is, of course, an album with a reputation that precedes it, and that reputation is not a particularly good one. Cyberpunk is a deeply fraught album, which commercially underperformed upon release, and did even worse in the eyes of critics, with the magazine Q dubbing it the 5th worst album of all time. In the nearly 30 years since the album’s release, opinions on it don’t seem to have softened that much, either. But as with everything I choose to talk about, I think Cyberpunk is worth listening to. I think it’s a daring and challenging work of art, and one that stands on its own terms when approached head-on. Whether you’re familiar with this album or not, I encourage you to give it a fresh listen, and a fair shake.

Music: “Wasteland”

Perhaps the most immediately apparent feature of Cyberpunk is its increasingly electronic soundscape, including a prominent sample-based hook on the track “Wasteland.” The album was created in less than a year, and chiefly through use of computers and digital audio software, which Idol evidently found easier to explore and use than earlier forms of music technology. I’m partial to the argument that sees the use of digital software as perfectly compatible with the famed DIY ethos of punk, and hence, not far from Idol’s wheelhouse at all. In the 1990s, computers were still something that far from everyone owned, but in our contemporary world of Soundcloud rappers on seemingly every street, it’s easier to accept the notion of computer music as a grassroots, egalitarian field where even the unskilled are welcome--perhaps even moreso than punk ever was, in the 20th Century. This is one sense in which I think Cyberpunk has aged better than anyone could have possibly imagined. Besides pushing the texture of Idol’s music into new territory, Cyberpunk is also a fairly risky album structurally, opening with a sort of manifesto being read, and peppered with brief interludes between its tracks proper.

Music: “Interlude 3”

It’s only fitting that an album so concerned with the bleeding edge of technology might also try to push the boundaries of the still-fresh CD age. Liberated from the confines of designing chiefly for vinyl, artists like Idol were empowered to create CDs that ostensibly had 20 “tracks,” with no need for empty grooves to separate these brief interludes from the album’s major compositions. This avant-garde touch adds significant amounts of texture to the album, and, dare I say, a sense of world-building. Undoubtedly, one main reason why this album was so poorly received at the time is that it is, quite simply, not what one expects a Billy Idol record to sound like--at least, with the possible exception of its second single, “Shock to the System.”

Music: “Shock to the System”

“Shock to the System” feels like something of an orphan in the tracklisting of Cyberpunk. While tracks like “Wasteland” certainly maintain a rough-edged rock mentality about them, and could never be confused for straightforward techno floor-fillers, “Shock to the System” feels more like it was tacked onto the album just so that it would have something that appealed to those who exclusively prefer Idol’s earlier style--and, given that most of Idol’s greatest hits compilations tend to include “Shock to the System” and nothing else from Cyberpunk, this may have worked. Cyberpunk, as a genre, is often concerned with political themes--its great literary progenitor, William Gibson, once said that “the future is already here, but it’s unevenly distributed,” epitomizing the extent to which the intersection between technology and class is a central issue in cyberpunk media. “Shock to the System” is the most overtly political track on Cyberpunk, inspired by the wave of riots that broke out in Los Angeles following the acquittal of police officers alleged to have used excessive force in the arrest of a Black man, Rodney King. While the role of computers in daily life has changed a great deal since the 1990s, police brutality and anti-Blackness have sadly remained quite similar.

Few have commented on the perhaps uncomfortable implications of Idol’s dramatization of the LA riots from outside, which seems to transmute the scene into one of high-tech fantasy while largely eliding over the racial implications of why people were rioting in the first place--something that seems particularly strange when one learns how upset members of the underground “cyberculture” were about the alleged co-opting and appropriation of their culture. Some have characterized Idol as an honest appreciator of cyberpunk who just wanted to make art that engaged with its ideas, and others more cynically consider him a profiteer who thought he could commercialize a more palatable version of the counter-culture. While the latter hypothesis may well be true, I’m not sure if it can rightfully be said that Idol had “no right” to mine cyberculture for inspiration, particularly since cyberculture has often encouraged amateur participation. Still, as a sometime fan of the literary genre myself, I’m tempted to agree with those who have questioned how deep Idol’s understanding of cyberpunk actually was, particularly when faced with tracks like “Neuromancer.”

Music: “Neuromancer”

In William Gibson’s novel of the same name, Neuromancer is a super-advanced AI with the ability to preserve people’s personalities in virtual reality...though you probably wouldn’t have guessed any of that from this track. Many who interviewed Idol seemed to think he had a weak grasp on the finer points of cyberculture, and even Gibson himself, upon meeting Idol, failed to take him seriously. Still, I don’t think it’s entirely fair to draw a line in the sand, as some have done, and say that Idol was particularly, individually, responsible for the dilution of cyberpunk ideals, as presented by authors like Gibson. While it may be easy to poke fun at the clownish, overwrought figure of Idol, as the embodiment of people who love books they don’t understand, it’s not like that many people owned this album. I think the success of popular films like Blade Runner and The Matrix has done much more to simplify and proliferate ideas cribbed from Gibson.

But however you feel about this, it’s clear that Cyberpunk was an album that ended up appealing to nearly no-one--it alienated Idol’s existing fans with its stylistic diversions, as well as feeling too commercial and inauthentic to cyberpunk enthusiasts. Something else that I haven’t seen mentioned in discussion of this album is the fact that Billy Idol really wasn’t the first to combine the ideas of cyberpunk and music. By the early 1990s, industrial acts like Front 242 and Front Line Assembly had already been making electronic music about cyber brain implants for years, albeit largely underground and often unnoticed by rock-focused critics. I can’t help but think that the prior existence of this stuff was yet another factor that caused Cyberpunk’s failure to thrive. Compared to the electronic body music scene, Cyberpunk comes across as less subtle, less insider, and much more surface-level.

The cover art of Cyberpunk has attracted nearly as much derision as the associated music. The image of Idol’s face bleeds and distorts “into” and “against” a gridlike field, perhaps the greenish terminal of an early computer screen, a representation of the hacker figure entering the virtual world of cyberspace, and identity blurring along those lines. With its wobbly image distortion and queasy complementary colour palette of yellow and purple, it instantly evokes not only cyberpunk aesthetics generally, but more particularly the fusion between cyberpunk and another popular aesthetic of the early 90s: psychedelia, which experienced a substantial resurgence around this time, related to rave culture and its embrace of hallucinogenic party drugs. So-called “cyberdelic” themes abound on the album as well, particularly on the hypnotic “Adam In Chains,” a track that sounds less like 80s New Wave, and more like 90s New Age.

Following the release and subsequent panning of Cyberpunk in the 1990s, Billy Idol went silent for over a decade. While he claimed that his disinterest in making new music was rooted moreso in mismanagement by Chrysalis Records than it was the album’s failure, it’s very tempting to look for a correlation here. Over the years, Idol was often asked if he ever planned to make more electronic music, and consistently claimed that he was chiefly interested in guitar-centric rock, while never completely trashing his vision for Cyberpunk. True to his word, when Idol finally did return to music with 2005’s Devil’s Playground, he delivered on his “classic” sound, and he’s continued to do so ever since.

Music: “Scream”

My favourite track on Cyberpunk is its lead single, the total showstopper “Heroin.” “Heroin” is actually a cover of a song by the seminal Velvet Underground, and it’s everything I think a cover ought to be: exciting, bizarre, and capable of taking something familiar and kicking it into a whole new territory. What’s the point of covering something without changing it and doing something a bit different? “Heroin” is naturally one of the most psychedelic-oriented tracks on the album, being a cover of a drug-themed 1960s classic, as well as one of the tracks with the most influence from dance genres like techno, boasting a very appealing extended outro that makes it feel like a 12” remix. While I think Cyberpunk is a fascinating album, “Heroin” is the one track I think really crosses the bridge from being interesting to being, quite simply, good, and it’s something I’m much more inclined to sit down and listen to recreationally. That’s everything for today--thanks for listening!

Music: “Heroin”

[luque-moreau]

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

ye

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

[fantasy-muffin-author]

Writing Advice: 10 Worst Experiences During the Writing Process😭

The experiences to prepare for, and to relate to during the writing process. Good luck fellow author! 

10. When you are trying to think of the perfect word thats right at the tip of your tongue. (Its worse when you loose the word all together)

This one is at number 10 because it is horrible, but you are still mentally active and not ready to cry yourself to sleep. Though it stinks!

Solution:

Think of a similar word, usually the second one on your mind and look for synonyms on google or other sources. The word you're looking for or a better one may come up. If not than either choose one of the options or look for synonyms of another similar word.

9. When you write something that may not be correct so you research the topic for an hour. (I’m not talking about the big stuff you should have looked into before you started writing, exp: cultures, I mean basically meaningless stuff)

This has happened to me twice (once about horses and once about how to grill a pig) It’s second on the list because it takes up more time than the first one and it’s annoying. But usually not demotivating.

Solution: 

Do not do it.

8. When you read an article or watch a video about writing and realize you have been doing it wrong the entire time. 

Do I have to explain?

Solution:

Take in the advice if you like it and continue on with your book using the advice but do not go back and change what you have already written. Leave that to your editor self.

7. When you are irresolute (look it up) because of a family/friend. colleague/ exd’s opinion. (I mean they talk down at you for being a writer, or something similar)

This is hard on our feelings box and/or heartbreaking. But this list is mostly my opinions and since I haven’t felt the crush of this fully, its higher. I am sorry for those who have been hurt.

Solution:

Don’t listen to them! In fact, let it fuel you. Show them who can do what! Or who can be successful! You can do anything!

6. When you feel overwhelmed. This may be because you can’t make yourself forget that you have so much to do before finishing the book. Maybe your busy.

The editing, marketing, and paying are what overwhelm me. The writing phase is not particularly easy, but it was less stressful for myself. It may not be the case for you. You may still have chapters to finish, a world to build, characters to create. It could be very stressful.

Solution:

Make it fun! Make it a game and your going through the levels. Once your done creating your world and characters, you can finally write! The thing you have been waiting for months! 

Remember, you are building your world. Enjoy every moment of it. Because one day, you will finish your book or series and you have to say goodbye to your baby and creation. Enjoy it while it lasts!

5. Losing motivation to write.

Are you surprised this is only half way down the list? I’m not. Even though this is horrible, it's not the worst thing. There are simple solutions.

Solution:

It may be different for everyone but here's a few ideas that are good for me.

1.Start writing. Yep. If you just write, that motivation will soon come back. (This works best if you are very familiar with your characters)

2. Look back through your notes and future plans. Get excited, again, for your book or series.

3.Watch videos and read articles about writing 😉, they can help you get through the problem or just be fun.

4. Remind yourself why you want to write and why writings fun. its different for everyone but reading is an example.

5. Sleep, be healthy, socialize, get sunlight and fresh air, exercise. These can clear your mind, get you in a good mood and helps your overall day.

4. When you realize your dialog sucks or unnatural. 

This may not be as bad as some of the others I already mentioned, but dialog can help or ruin a book. Dialog can spark ideas of character development, relationships, sub-plots, or even how to continue the overarching plot. But if you do it wrong, it can take forever to fix.

3. When you are stuck.    You want to write but you can’t think of anything. I like to call this Writer’s Traffic instead of Writer's block. 

This is one of the worst case of scenarios for me as a writer because I want to write but instead I am staring at a computer screen.

Solution:

Skip the scene. Skip the next few lines. Leave a note for yourself so you can come back to it at a better time. 

2. When you realize you don’t know your characters enough.

It's hard to admit, but when your character is inconsistent and its not part of their personality then you have a problem. You may even have to rewrite most of your book if you’re far in. If you don’t know your characters and your on chapter 4 then stop now and save yourself.

Solution: 

Do character questionnaires, explain anything important in their past. Anything traumatic they have experienced, their personality, how they would react in a certain situation. It’s really important to know their background (Note: You need to know, not your readers unless necessary) 

Link to a character questionnaires. https://www.writerswrite.co.za/prousts-questionnaire-35-questions-every-character-should-answer/    also they got some awesome writing advice!

1.DUN DUN DUN!THE LAST ONE! When your writing (or lack of) has an effect on you daily life and you feel absolutely miserable.

You would be surprised how often this happened to me, It’s almost like a heavy depressed feeling that makes it painful to basically do anything. 

Maybe it's outside writing that makes you feel this way but you just can’t write. Everything is dull and grim, your head hurts or you have no motivation to do anything.

You just can’t.

Solution:

Use your miserableness as a motivation. You want to get rid of it, right? Then you must do what helps. Here's a few tricks. 

1. Drink water. Perhaps your dehydrated.

2. Exercise. This one is really helpful on more than your emotions. Do this before considering taking a nap, because naps can make it worse.

3. Go to bed earlier. If your like me than your nocturnal but if you simply go to bed at 10 then you will feel much better in the morning. I suggest reading or doing something other than look at a screen before going to bed. Screens can make it troublesome to fall asleep.

4. Socializing. You may be awkward but at least you have a mother? A father? Grandparents? A best friend? Siblings? Random people online? Anyone who can distract you, and make you feel better. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a pleasant conversation, just one that won’t bring you down. Socializing can make you feel so much better.

5. Get a horrible beta reader. (this is a joke...kind of) A beta reader is a person who reads your book or a chapter and gives feedback. A good beta reader is honest and gives praise and criticism. This is what I meant for a bad beta reader. Someone who you trust who will probably be scared to hurt your feelings. Even though it might not be true, positive feedback will help. 

That is all I have! I hoped you enjoyed! Have a Fantastic day! I will be posting again soon!

[kokiri-at-the-pack]

1020

October 20

I do not recall how I managed to return home. Steven’s last words never stopped ringing in my ears up to the point I reached the front door of my aunt’s house.

My worst fear just came true. Steven’s memories about me were gone. He could not remember the entire days from the point I met him up to my last meeting with him. It was like...how should I say...a large part of the film in his brain was clearly cut off.

And this was all because I drew a random guy whom I wished to be friends with.

I couldn’t dare to see Mr. Francis, who was hospitalized in the same building. He would display a similar behavior, which he did not deserve to get. I was certain he would no longer have any idea about the contract he made with the company but figure out why he was suddenly lying on the hospital bed instead.

Have I been too selfish? Should I have stopped the moment I wanted someone to stay by my side? Or the moment I wanted Steven, Mr. Francis and many more to be happy?

Could there have been another way? No...That could have been more difficult to achieve.

Because reality is harsh...for people like us.

If only...if only...those drawings were kept in a safer place...none of this would have happened…

I shook my head to get rid of a flood of negative thoughts pouring into my mind. I turned the knob and opened the door, pretending that nothing serious happened to me.

However, two people I did not expect to see at my aunt’s house so soon were standing in the living room: my parents. They turned to me with cold eyes, speaking with low tones that I should sit down for a while to have a bit of a talk. I did as they said quietly, but I was not able to control my anxiety. Their low voices have meant that there was trouble in our family, and it has always been a really, really serious matter.

I asked them what was wrong.

Mother made quick steps towards me and pulled out an envelope from her bag. I received it afterwards and opened it carefully, wondering what their intentions were.

...Sheets of paper. My drawings. All wet and crumpled from the storm.

I almost dropped them as soon as I saw their contents. Wait, if they were inside Mother’s bag, that means…

“Dear, please explain to us,” Father finally opened his mouth, “what are they for?”

October 23

Mother and Father explained to me how they found my drawings briefly. They were cleaning rooms in our house which turned into a mess after the great storm. When it was time to go to the storage room, they noticed a piece of paper was stuck out from one of the boxes in the corner. That is where they found all the work I have done for the past several days.

If it was another family with a different ability, they would not have raised any suspicion towards some random doodles. However, we are a family of Visualizers, whose drawings can come to life, no matter how long our effects last. It was one thing for them to draw strangers on numerous pages. When they compared them with recent news that were continuously featured in various media platforms, they were certain that our family ability was involved in them. There were too many links to be considered as a coincidence.

That is why I had to tell them the truth. Every single bit of it from its purpose to my true feelings. When I finished my explanation, my parents did not say anything, and relaxed their faces a little, but they still had discomfort in their emotions. In fact, they did not know how to respond to the result I made. Never have they seen the Visualizing ability work in such a wide, impactful field before, nor have they ever thought it was possible.

The silence continued until dinnertime. When I finished my supper, my parents beckoned me to come to the backyard. There, I saw that they gathered all the sheets of ruined drawings as well as notebooks with my previous doodles into one area, on top of logs exactly. Before I could ask what this was all about, Father questioned me if every one of them was old enough that my ability’s effect had worn off. I answered yes.

“Good,” he simply replied.

Then with no time for me to react, Father threw a lit match to the sheets in the blink of an eye. The fire instantly grew larger and devoured all the hard work and dedication I put in throughout months.

I barely remember what I screamed towards my parents. Maybe a curse...maybe a cry…

But despite my rage, my parents were unusually calm as steel. When I was about to get exhausted after the sudden explosion, Mother held my shoulders firmly and called my name several times to calm me down.

“You could have got yourself into trouble,” she said, “if we did not do this.”

I slowly looked up to see her sad, but determined face.

“We know it’s an awful thing, and we are so sorry...but we do not want to allow any more misfortune to come to our family,” added Father.

“But it’s not too late yet. Now that the evidence is destroyed, others won’t get suspicious of us. After all, our ability is not that obvious to be identified,” Mother replied.

I was utterly dumbfounded by their actions. A great amount of anxiety in their voices...Making a difficult choice of burning their daughter’s passion into ashes… How much worse can the consequence of my action grow?

“Dear...when does your winter break start?” Father asked all of a sudden.

“D-December…” I stuttered.

“That will be it. We can look for your new school in that period.”

“What?! Y-You want me to transfer to another place?”

“Our whole family has to start anew. Now, you must be aware of how crucial your mistake is.”

Mistake...What I did to make myself proud...make my ability proud...and make my family proud...They saw it as nothing but a mistake…

I understand their feelings… but why does my heart ache so much?

“This is the only choice we have. When you go there, do not mention any detail about your ability. Be vague in a way it is not understandable,”

I listened to my parents thoroughly, with each of their words pushing me deeper into despair.

“And remember,” Mother concluded, “live quietly.”

November 1

I have never noticed that weeks have already passed after I last noted my parents’ resolution for my ability’s severe effect. If ever someone is reading this entry, I sincerely apologize for the enormous skip in timeline.

The thing is...my family has been extremely busy since that fateful day. We have been looking for a new village to live in, together with the school my sister and I should transfer to. Of course, it was no easy task. We had to read every booklet and newspaper we could grab and visit that place before making a final decision. What’s more, from time to time, we had to pack up necessary stuff in advance and throw away any item which would be bothersome for transportation.

But the most critical reason was that due to a fear of leaving evidence related to the incident in my hometown, I was hesitant to write any more entries.

Until we have decided where to go at last.

My family agreed for one last time to pretend to be a family with no extraordinary ability. We are not worth any attention. While my parents attempt to look for any business they can start to earn a living, my sister and I will go to a small school with few students and graduate there. After all, it is a piece of cake to get a good score in such a quiet and unpopular school, so it also solves the problem of applying for a college in the future. It may look like my family was able to jump over a huge obstacle.

Except that my passion towards my ability remained intact.

Even though I knew it was my fault entirely for the tragedy to take place, I could never forget the significant change of emotions of the people I helped beforehand. How long have they possibly wanted those moments of recognition to happen? Can a person be certain that they will come to them one more time? No one knows exactly when one can fulfill his dream.

That’s right. Look at a brighter side. If my drawings can be ruined easily, that would also mean a method to preserve them can also be easy. As long as there is no single drop of water on a sheet, the effect will last forever, and that would be advantageous for me to support more unlucky people in need of help.

And as soon as we finish settling down in our new home, I can try to investigate how I can safely and efficiently activate my Visualization. Maybe I can start with how I can complete my work faster. I can also examine why the term for my family ability’s effect has been different depending on members and generations. I remember no one has figured it out, and I doubt my parents would do so since they already lost trust in our family ability.

I am going to be the one to fix the mistake...even if it means I would have to do it secretly.

I hope I succeed if my chance comes some day. Then my parents would understand me. My sister would trust me again. Our whole family would afterwards have happiness restored, just like the people who can be joyful with my illustrations.

So for now, I will focus on education and achievement of my goals. If time allows me to write again, I will record what I have seen, heard or kept in mind here.

…

To note down your experience is to remember what you felt at that very moment.

- K. D. Leighton -

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Sorry for bring my comments so late, I have been helping my Mother with her shop and also watching series my friend recommended me, But now I'm here Excited to Read More!

Chapter 18

you know, reading about MC distancing themself from Rowan Never Would not be a total pain for me, Like, The Friendship between MC and Rowan showed in screen was always so wholesome but Yet so sad, because You really don't have an option to keep your Friendship with Them, because The Writing Of The game makes You simply be distant from them. The only thing that makes have a little hope for Rowan It's The Fanfic says loosely follows plot till Year 6 and The Fictober was created I Think Before “that” chapter. God, It's just a paragraph and I'm really thinking in that.

DAMN. For Some reason I never really expected Bellatrix to being mentioned and just gonna Say Poor Tonks, Like in-game She has a Easy going Personality but It's really concerning when You remember What happens and What She dealts with. And can I just Say The Headcannon Of her hating her real face because resembles Bellatrix makes Perfect sense and It's so Beautiful in a really angsty and murky kind Of way? Because It's similar that happens to One Of my Oc's, She has a trauma related to her twin sister that's The reason She has eisotrophobia (Fear to The reflection on The mirror) because She always sees her Twins face and The worst Part Is her Mother stills confusing Them because Never expected The day She Will see The Twins Split up. It's a Story I Thought when I was with my psychologist.

I love The saltiness Of Luca to Dumbledore, It's... actually Pretty Understandable, Dumbledore in The Books was already Shady and The most funny part It's probably Rowling didn't even wanted him to come off as that, Why then make The main Character, One Of The principal victims of Albus, give His name to His son? and in Hphm Albus It's still a manipulator but Like a Dumb manipulator, In The game it's More apparent that He's a Shady person and It's not half as subtle as it Was in The whole series. Having that, I Think It's really satisfying seeing a HP Protagonist actually face him off and see who he actually Is.

Luca is a total softie for Merula, They're really adorable.

OHOH I LITERALLY SCREAMED

Luca Trying so Hard to have a Happy memory for The Patronus It's honestly really... personal to me, like I have Many Intrusive Thoughts when I try to revive a Happy memory because Of my own trauma related Things I Can't even Like things I used to. But I'm really proud Of Them for finally making it, Can't I Even Start to describe how Many soft feelings The memory and The whole “Mitten Is my patronus” give me, Your ideas are so awesome I Can't

Luca comforting Merula It's SO BEAUTIFUL and hits too close to home, I hace Many Friends with low self-esteem believing They're Bad persons and I'm The One who brings Them to earth.

It's Good to see The Racoon Again, I'm already putting On my Inner Sherlock Holmes for knowing Of Who Is The Patronus

This Message really It's too long, I'll keep reading In Other menssage in Other day, I Hope your Mother It's fine and takes care Of herself. Have a Good, Brandon!

— The Remembrance anon

Oh my good friend, I am the last person to complain about late comments right now, believe me. You won’t hear any objections from me because I’ve been responding at a snail’s pace myself (and my beloved anons have been so very patient) and because no matter how long it may take for whatever reason, I am always delighted to hear from you, so thank you for making my day! 

Trust me, the bit about Rowan bothers me as well. I wanted to incorporate the “Rowan is R” theory because it’s almost a little ridiculous that no one in-game brings up the possibility until the middle of Year 5, when MC has known about R since the start of Year 2. Like, I wanted to acknowledge it. Plus I think it can give a good in-universe explanation for the distance between MC and Rowan beyond the horribly cynical idea that MC outgrew them, which I flat out refuse to accept. Luca would never, could never, leave Rowan behind like that for something so shallow. As for what is to come...well, I suppose you’ll just have to see! You are right though, I think we were like, nine or ten chapters into Year 6 at the point I was writing this. 

I have so many headcanons about Tonks and as I went through Luca’s story, I realized that I could absolutely incorporate them. Because she’s canon, she’s one of those characters that it’s easy to forget about or take for granted in the background, but hey - she’s in Luca’s House, part of the best friend squad they formed in Chapter 6, and is one of their roommates on most nights. Plus Luca has a curious tendency to bond with the wildly chaotic types, so of course Tonks would be one of their closest friends. Can I further say that the whole concept you just described about the twins is fantastic and hella chilling? I would read about that. I would read a whole book about that. 

Oh, you like Luca’s displeasure with Dumbledore? Hmm, methinks you’re going to like some of the future chapters then...Truly, I didn’t originally intend for this to be an aspect of their character, but the whole incident with them being punished for dueling Merula in Year 1 really stuck with them somehow. It’s very much something that they inherit from me, the criticisms of Dumbledore, but I never realized that a character this soft would inherit them. Fun fact: I used to have a different MC who basically morphed into my iteration of Jacob that always hated Dumbledore because they were just like him and saw him for what he was, one manipulator to another. In general, I have to applaud what this game has done with him because he’s one hundred percent in character - hence why he enrages me so much. 

See, see now I’m curious what inspired you to scream. Part of me wants to guess, the other half of me doesn’t want to be presumptuous or pompous. Either way, I’m glad to have gotten such reactions! In any case, thank you so much for what you said about Luca and Merula and the Patronus scene. It means a lot to me because with Luca I basically tried my hand at writing a character with a debilitating mental illness, (a fictional one, obviously) and I wasn’t sure if it landed well or not. One thing I feel very strongly about is MC and Merula’s bond, especially this MC. Luca is the one who picked the “We can talk this out” option at the start and never wavered from that. I’m not even gonna lie, I’ve gone back and forth a lot on what Luca’s Patronus would be, but this is a good one for them because it reflects the people in their life that they love. Not just Mitten, but Merula as well. (She’s a cat for sure.) 

Thank you so much once again for sending me these messages and showing me this kindness! I hope that everything is going well for you and that you have a wonderful time! 

[lost-in-zembla]

Disco Elysium or: How I learned to Stop Wallowing and Love the Game

I will now review a videogame. No real spoilers. Just very vague descriptions below.

My writing this is uncharacteristic of me. I find most writing surrounding the video game industry to be repugnant. The industry (including the media surrounding that industry) relies upon the subsumption of subcultures on the fringe into the very center of the infernal machine where the dedicated and nostalgic nature of its fanbase can be exploited for capital. It’s the same process that produces Iron Man Funko Pops. Call me a jaded and pretentious pseudointellectual poseur, but in the case of Marvel the idea that this fucking billion dollar franchise with the biggest actors in the world somehow retains this guise of this ‘geek’ subculture is disturbing to me.

(If you have played the game Disco Elysium, then you can probably already see part of why I enjoy it so goddamn much.)

I don’t mean we should gatekeep. My point is the media attached to these quote-geek-unquote industries wants to milk the same cash cow (e.g. 10 AWESOME THINGS IN THE LAST OF US 2!) Coming from an academic environment of criticism, I crave at least the appearance of an honest and thorough critique of art. In my experience, you really need to go past the surface to find any reliable ‘takes’ on contemporary videogames. That being said, there’s a lot of good work being done in the form of video essays.

In any case, I play videogames relatively often. Competitive shooters, mostly. But I suffer no story in videogames. Why would I? I read the most *genius* pieces of literature in the English language. I’m too *good* for that. So when I heard all the buzz about Disco Elysium last fall, it fell on deaf ears. Detectives? Disco? Isometry? Story-heavy. Ugh. I’m interested in none of that. But about a week ago, a friend of mine bought the game. Unlike me, he is a real adult with a real job so it was just a whim on his part, I believe. I looked at the game and, with Steam’s lax refund policy in mind, I bought it. In the past week I have put approximately thirty hours into this game. This review is a way for me to explore my own thoughts surrounding the game, thoughts that I didn’t include in my steam review (See below.)

So it was devastating, sure. And this devastation was somehow positive. One thing that I would like to make clear about me talking about this game is that it is fucking useless. Disco Elysium possesses that quality that exists in all great art; it is irreducible. When I try to explain this game to my friends, I find that my words fail to describe what’s so great about the game. Let me give you the elevator review I’ve come up with. *This game has allowed me to explore the breadth of human experience*. It’s an absolutely insane thing to say about a game. The writing, the art style, the story, the world, the RPG gameplay, they all work together to create a kind of experience that I have never encountered in a piece of art before aside from those few, fleeting moments when you feel as though you truly *get* an encyclopedic novel you’re reading (and in my case I usually don’t get it.)

I will not delve too deeply into the mechanics of the game. There are probably plenty of articles and videos that describe the game already. Put simply, the game is about choices. You can choose to solve the murder however you want. You can say absolutely batshit things to people. You can say mildly bemusing things. You can speak apocalyptic prophesies, espouse communism, conservatism, Moralism. race science.. There are moments when you genuinely *feel* like you can say anything, which is quite a feat when you really only have a few dialogue options at any given moment.

As you’ve noticed, this is not a review of the videogame. Playing this game after a tough breakup was sort of earth-shattering. I mean, not only am I navigating through a strange virtual world with its own history and culture and cosmological makeup, I’m diegetically grieving over being left by my *divinely* beautiful ex while I, the player, undergo a similar process and find similar coping mechanisms. Playing this game was like knowing the funniest clown in the world, a clown so funny that you thank him when he occasionally punches you in the chest to make you *feel things*.

The plan wasn’t to make a character whose qualities reflected my own. I just wanted to play the game. I wanted to win. It just so happened that because *I* was the one playing the game, the character essentially turned into me. It doesn’t help that I, too, have had my issues with alcohol, drugs, commitment, and mental health (in no particular order). The character ended up becoming *me* in a way that I’d never experienced before. I faced ethical dilemmas. My ideology was shaken. This game achieves unbelievable mimesis.

Here’s the wild thing: this game has changed me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old white boy who just watched The Boondock Saints and got a pretty okay over-the-pants handjob at the same time. I’m thinking about my life in terms of choices. The game enforces a kind of perspective of the world that highlights its contingency and the permanence of choices. You can, of course, save your progress in the game and reload whenever, but I found myself just sort of riding out the bad choices I made unless they were game-ruiningly catastrophic. (E.g. I had a “thought” equipped that made me fail every unrepeatable *red* check during a pivotal firefight; it was a hilarious disaster. We were essentially mowed down.) I stood by most of my bad choices. After all, I made the choice using the information I had at the time.

I am not good at this game. I absolutely bungled the investigation. I was just a pawn for forces far greater than myself. Seven people died, and I know that I could’ve saved a few of those people, if not all of them. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could have done, how I could have gone deeper to find out what’s *really* going on, how I could take control of the investigation rather than be taken control of. Maybe I’ll play the game through again, but the first playthrough is kind of magical if you know absolutely nothing about the game like I did. If not for an absolute deus ex machina at the end, I would have been taken to the madhouse. It would have been an unbelievable failure.

During that deus ex machina moment, by the way, a goddamn tear rolled down my cheek. Yeah, I’m in a rough place, personally. But I don’t *cry* over characters in art. They’re not real. But damn if that changed.  I tell you it’s changed *me*. I care more for characters. I know they’re not real but they represent something that I can relate to, no matter who they are. This game has made me think about empathy more. Maybe it’s because I dumped all my points in the emotional skills. Maybe I’d be more violent if I rolled with the physical skills. Maybe I’d feel like a superstar if that’s what I chose to pursue in the game. Disco Elysium feels open-ended enough that if you sign up for the story, the aesthetic, and the investigation itself, then you can get whatever you want out of the experience. The game, again, achieves incredible mimesis.

The mimesis is so convincing in Disco Elysium that it feels as open-ended as reality, with one caveat: you *know* it's a game. You, as a player, know that the experience of Disco Elysium is a designed one, that it was created as a sort of origami structure, that there is narrative and, god help us, *meaning*. What this game-knowledge afforded me during my playthrough was the constant sensation of synchronicity. I found myself saying “I don’t know how this element will fold into the grand structure of the game, and it almost seems impossible that it should become part of the investigation narrative.” But because I know it’s a game, I am graced with the confidence of the highly religious. Everything will come together in the end.

This is not a review for a videogame. This is a confession. I am deeply flawed and I want to change that. My worldview has been shaken because of a videogame. I don’t want to be that kind of animal anymore.

I’m trying to empower myself, to become more aware that my choices do indeed matter, have always mattered. I’m trying to be more pragmatic, to consider the things I want to do in terms of their result rather than the momentary pleasure I will derive from doing them. Now *that’s* a change for me. 

I’m trying to be more empathetic, more willing to imagine the perspectives of others. 

I am trying to give the world around me the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for me to think of the world as a random coincidence of matter, but if you look at the world with totality in mind everything seems to take on this Spinozan glow of divinity. The human mind is a meaning-making machine, I think. If I look at the world as fundamentally devoid of meaning, then that is still meaning. It is nihil-ism. It’s still an -ism. But if I ascribe to the world a kind of glowing potential, as though meaning were to be found in every speck of matter, then I feel invited to participate in this massive dance that we’re all a part of. 

I’m trying to be more adventurous, because beneath the surface of things there seems to be a vast network of relationships, causation, possibility and, god help me, *story*. Or maybe it’s not beneath the surface of things, maybe there is no Deleuzian schizophrenic depth beneath the surface, perhaps the world is a homogenous and ever-developing surface upon which I constellate meaning and, thereby, create it. I’m trying to create a story for myself that will hold a candle to my experience playing Disco Elysium. I didn’t ask for this; it was just what I needed. It was, in a word, unforgettable.

[wftc141]

Blackwatch Chapter 8: Comeback

08:30 PM, Local Time

Rome, Italy

Tana del Lupo Training Centre

September, 2018

The team had just cleared out a room before heading for the next and final area. Ray had been leading his team throughout the course, armed with MP5SDs and suppressed MP7s. They were taking part in a training exercise under Gabriel’s command to assess how fast they clear out a hostile-infested building. They have already reached the one minute mark which was the average time. The team made their way down the hallway, heading for the end of the hallway which was made out of wood and built to resemble a house. 

Once the team stacked up by the door, Ray stepped aside and got out his flashbang. Genji stepped towards the door and slightly opened it, leaving a narrow gap wide enough for Ray to toss the flashbang. As soon as the flashbang entered the room, Genji swiftly closed it shut and waited as the loud bang erupted from inside. 

Ray stepped forward and kicked the door open, entering the room filled with several steel targets shaped to resemble gunmen and opened fire on them as his team followed him inside and took care of the rest. Ray hit most targets with several shots and no misses. Once all the targets were hit, the team gave the all-clear as they double checked the room. Shortly, they heard the alarm ring. The announcer then spoke in Italian before pausing.

“Exercise complete. Please make your way to the nearest exit.” The announcer said in English.

The team then headed for the exit nearby where they met up with Gabriel, Amélie, Moira and McCree who were all watching the exercise from the camera feeds.

“Nicely done,” Gabriel said. “But it needs to be faster. Head back to the starting point and get ready.”

The team complied and headed back. However, Ray had something on his mind affecting his focus. He wasn’t sure what it was but he felt empty, like something was missing.

“Ray?” Gabriel called, snapping Ray back into reality.

“Yeah?” Ray hastily replied.

“You alright?”

Ray nodded hurriedly. “I’m fine, boss.” 

Gabriel almost looked as if he could see what he was thinking but he said nothing beyond that. “Good. You’re on point again.” 

Ray went back with the team for the exercise redo and they were dismissed after completing several more runs.  

________________________________________

11:20 PM, Local Time

Rome, Italy

Vicolo Cellini

Ray didn’t feel like going back home without something to drink. He stopped by the particular bar some of his teammates frequent and ordered some vodka. Ray ignored the idle chatter from behind as he poured vodka into a glass to sip. The TV noise was drowned out by the voices echoing across the room. Ray’s eyes plastered on the dull, wooden counter as he swirled his drink.

“Knew I would find you here.”

Ray turned to his left and noticed Marvel standing next to him. Ray remained unfazed and turned away.

“Wasn’t really hiding.” Ray replied as he sipped his vodka.

“Well, you act like Genji sometimes,” Marvel said. “Always a loner.”

“Guess I’m just not that talkative.”

“I can see that.”

Marvel sat down beside Ray and called the waiter for some beer. Marvel took the glass filled with golden alcohol and frothy foam to top it off and took a swig.

“Moira told me you got divorced.” Marvel said, wiping his mouth.

“Told you or told everyone on the team?” Ray asked.

“Told the whole team.”

“Wouldn’t say I’m surprised.”

There was a pause between the two as the loud chatter behind them continued to flow in the bar. 

“Sorry about your split.” Marvel said.

Ray sighed as he downed his vodka. “It's okay. I’m over it. It was bound to happen at some point.” 

Marvel glanced at Ray who remained expressionless and unfazed over his divorce.

“Was she a problem?” He asked.

“Nah,” Ray shook his head. “More like she believed I married for the job… and she’s right. I’ve always preferred the field over normal work.”

Marvel remained silent since there was nothing to say about it.

“To be honest,” Ray continued. “Part of me did want the marriage to end… but one part of me wanted a normal life. Fat chance of me having it if there’s gonna be some assholes out there killing innocent people while we just sit on the sidelines.”

Marvel could at least understand Ray’s point of view. Almost having the similar mindset as their team leader. Ray then took another sip of his vodka.

“Anyways, how'd you end up in Blackwatch?” Marvel asked, switching the topic. “Never really got the chance to ask.” 

Ray sighed as he set his glass down. “NATO saw my records of my deployments during my time with the Rangers. Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya. I was like a scalp collector of my squad back then. They gave me an opportunity to go after more bad guys and I was like ‘yeah, why not?’ And that’s why I’m here.”  

Marvel was a bit surprised about Ray’s background as he’s just like any other Special Forces operator.

“What about you? What are you here for?” Ray asked.

“Probably for the same reason as you,” Marvel replied, taking a sip of his beer. “I was part of a squadron for a joint military operation in Boklovo back in 2016.”

“Kurjikstan?”

“Yeah, that one. You know about it?”

Ray nodded. “Yeah, the Boklovo Siege. ISIS overthrew the city and kept the outside world out. They held the locals hostages for a month until the US and the Kurjikstani army went in to liberate the city.”

“Yeah, I was there. We took care of the airstrikes for the areas the military couldn’t reach. It was a real tough one to crack, considering the terrorists somehow stole some advanced anti-aircraft weaponry but we managed to break through it. Guess NATO heard about me through that.”

“Something tells me you went through more than just that. Something similar to that time you got separated from your team during that mission in Russia.”

“Moira tell you that?”

“Told the whole team.”

Marvel chuckled, knowing Ray can at least joke.

“Well, it wasn’t my first time getting split from my team,” he said. “It was way back in my cadet years. I was doing a field exercise with my group and the German Air Force when my aircraft suddenly malfunctioned. It was spinning like crazy. I couldn’t keep the aircraft steady and there was nowhere safe I could land since we were over some forest. So I used the ejector seat to free myself.”

Based on Marvel’s experience, he does remind Ray of Scott O'Grady.

“Long story short, I landed in the woods and ended up getting my parachute tangled in the trees but the thing was, it was so fucking dark I couldn’t see shit. For some reason, I took off my parachute while I was hanging and I broke my leg.”

“Damn. How bad was it?” Ray asked.

“Hurt like hell but I wasn’t gonna stop over a broken leg,” Marvel continued. “I had to use the trees to steady myself and those LED finger lights from the survival kit to find my way around. About what felt like hours later, I reached a rundown village and used my signal flare to mark my position. About half an hour, I got picked up by the Kampfretter and got treated back at base, though I had to sit out of service for several months because of my leg.” 

Ray let out a whistle as he drank his vodka.

“That was pretty ballsy, wandering in a dark ass forest with a broken leg. Props to that, dude.”

“Thanks,” Marvel nodded. “Turns out, the reason why my jet malfunctioned was because of a mechanical issue and the mechanics didn’t notice it somehow. They got a heavy scolding after they found out, and put them on suspension.”

“That was a little harsh for a technical issue, don’t you think?”

“Easy for you to say, man. You got shot on your first mission and still survived!”

“Not the first time I’ve been shot so that was nothing.”

Marvel simply chuckled and the two clinked their glasses before downing their drinks. 

The two then turned to the TV, with the news headline catching their attention. The language was in Italian but from what they could understand, there was a sudden car bombing in London near Harrods. Footage showed police surrounding a charred car near the destroyed shops. 

The reporter then said that several people, including a police officer, were killed in the explosion while multiple people, including another police officer, were in hospital treated for their wounds while the surviving police officer was in critical condition. And the crazy thing was, it happened an hour ago.

“Jesus,” Ray mutters. “This is fucked up.”

“You can say that again.” Marvel replied.

________________________________________

(One Hour Earlier)

9:58 PM, Local Time

London, England

Sergeant Joyce Welsh took a bite into her nearly finished burrito. Her schedule change had unfortunately disrupted her plans to spend her time with her family since the changes were in response to ‘suspicious activity’ for the past few weeks. Their nightly patrol so far spotted nothing out of the ordinary so she and her partner Inspector Tim Campbell got some Taco Bell down at the tourist-friendly and the upheld King’s Row to spend some time together. 

Welsh’s partner was slightly older but more experienced which was where Welsh learned a thing or two from him. He was a reliable and trusty man to both his fellow officers and to Welsh and her family.

“So how’s things back home?” Campbell asked, still eating his taco.

“Not too bad,” Welsh replied, eating some of the fries. “We’re just about done prepping for Tanya’s birthday tomorrow.”

Campbell sat up and glanced at her in surprise. “Wait, tomorrow’s her birthday?” 

Welsh bit half of the fry before looking at her partner.

“Yeah, didn’t my husband tell you? I guess he forgot.”

“Bloody hell, I was too busy catching jackers and drunkards. Didn’t know your young daughter is about to have her 9th birthday.”

Welsh scoffed. “You and your priorities, mate.”

“Am I invited?”

“You know bloody well my daughter would want you to come. She practically worships you now.” 

Campbell simply chuckled and they ate in silence with Campbell finishing up his tacos while their radio faintly blared. Welsh remembered that one time Campbell tackled a suspect into a fountain when he was out terrorizing people at a park. This man was completely focused on his job to protect the people. That’s what made him one of the many respected officers of the city.

Welsh looked out at the street they parked at and noticed a drunk couple stumbling across the road. The guy was in a tacky coloured tracksuit and the woman he was holding wore a light cherry playsuit and she was carrying her heels. Both of them look as if they had been wasted at the nearest nightclub and the woman was probably someone the guy sweet talked for some drinks. Welsh watched as the man leaned onto a parked car before reaching the path on the other side. She couldn’t help but scoff and roll her eyes. Millennials these days. Besides, she hasn’t heard from her partner’s family for a while.

“How’s your family doing?” Welsh asked.

“Me?” Campbell glanced at her.

Before he could continue, Welsh heard the sound of a nearby roar of a car engine and turned around to notice a grey car speed past them like lightning, completely ignoring the police cruiser behind them. Even Campbell had just caught on what happened.

“Right, we’ll talk later. Let’s get to work.” Welsh said as she activated the sirens.

As Campbell quickly stored away his food, Welsh drove off and went after the speeding car with the sirens blaring loudly. They left the market street and headed down the main road. 

“Dispatch, this is Unit 1. We are in pursuit of a speeding driver in King’s Row. Grey BMW X5, no registration plate.”

Quickly attaching the radio back, Welsh looked up and saw the grey car speeding down the street. The car doesn’t look like it plans to stop but neither is Welsh. The cars in front of her began to swerve out of her way as she chased after the grey car. The car began to bump into other vehicles in their way, causing some to drive right into poles and almost into people. 

“This bastard is gonna get someone killed! We need to stop him!” Campbell said as they chased the suspect.

“Dispatch, suspect is now driving erratically and endangering the public. Requesting backup, over.”

“Copy, Unit 1. Officers are on their way to assist, over.” 

“Copy, Dispatch. Out.” 

A few intense minutes have passed and they have reached Knightsbridge. The sirens have managed to attract attention from shoppers and tourists alike. The grey car was going much faster than it was, zipping past several vehicles in front. As the remaining vehicles made way for the blaring cruiser, Welsh noticed the grey car was starting to slow down before stopping near Harrods where several passers were. Something must’ve made the driver come to his senses. Welsh parked the cruiser a few meters away from the grey BMW. She noticed several people were watching the scene unfold.

“Thank God. Alright, let’s go talk to him.” Campbell said before opening the door.

Welsh got out and approached the grey car alongside Campbell. Several people walked past the car to mind their own business while some had their phones out. 

“Dispatch, suspect has pulled over. Approaching him now, over.”

“Copy, Unit 1. Proceed with caution.”

For some reason, she was feeling somewhat dreadful about what was inside the car. Something was giving her a really bad feeling. Campbell was the first to reach the car. As she approached the car, Welsh heard what sounded like a bag rustling from inside and noticed the driver sitting upright alongside the passenger, holding something up.

“Death to capitalism.”

The last thing she saw was a bright, fiery blast flash in front of her eyes before everything went black.

________________________________________

(Present)

12:30 PM, Local Time

Rome, Italy

Embassy of the United States

Gabriel hadn’t had lunch yet but he was going to pass up on it for now. His new Commander, Jack Morrison, has just called him in for a meeting. His best guess was that it was about the bombings that had rocked the world last night, ever since the bombing in London. Amsterdam, Tokyo, Sydney, Barcelona, even Miami. All involving bombings and a handful of deaths. This was a coordinated attack and whoever's responsible must have prepared intensely. Fortunately, Italy hasn’t been hit for now.

Terrorist attacks are unpredictable but this was beyond their expectations. Not one but several more attacks and this wasn’t even Al-Qaeda’s handiwork. These people are professionals, much more than Al-Qaeda. Gabriel hoped that he and his team would at least be given a shot to find whoever’s responsible and take them down before they can hurt any further innocent people. 

Once he arrived and entered the new briefing room, Gabriel found Jack standing near a board filled with pictures and files attached, including a large map with drawn circles.

“You called me, Jack?” Gabriel called.

Jack turned around to face him. “Yes, I did. We have a situation and I need you and Blackwatch for this.”

“What’s the sitrep?”

“There’s a weapons deal scheduled to take place in Romania and the mafia’s involved. I need it to be stopped.”

Gabriel looked at Jack in confusion as the conversation had nothing to do with what’s happening right now. To Gabriel, he feels like he was slapped in the face.

“What about the bombings?” He asked.

“It’s Null Sector,” Jack replied. “They’ve just come out of hiding after ten years and have claimed responsibility for the attacks, calling it their ‘explosive comeback’. We have also just discovered possible Null Sector activity here in Rome so we’re tightening security there.”

“Then let's go after them.”

“Can’t. Too high profile and we can’t afford to stir up further panic.”

Gabriel then approached Jack, slowly closing in face-on.

“So let me get this straight,” he said. “You want me and my team to go after a mafia while there’s a group of dangerous terrorists out there wreaking havoc across the world?”

“I have a team handling this situation.” Jack replied.

“Are they even good?”

“They’re professionals like you, Gabriel. Of course they are.” 

Gabriel scoffed. Jack was trying to play it safe. He knows that Blackwatch doesn’t operate under the rules, yet he’s using another team to deal with the terrorists under the government’s rule and for all he knows, this could be a mistake. Jack sighed and turned away to his desk to pick something up.

“I know you want to go after these guys but I need you and your team for this one.” Jack said, handing Gabriel a Manila folder with ‘classified’ stamped on the front.

Gabriel silently took the folder and opened it. Inside was a pile of files with the one in front of him showing two photographs. One was an aerial image of a ranch house near a river with several deserted cars and bodies and the other was a black-and-white photograph of a familiar looking group.

“This rings any bells for you?” Jack asked.

Gabriel had already recognized the aerial image as soon as he saw it. He scared their hired hackers into staying away from them.

“The People’s Republic of Romania?” Gabriel guessed.

“It's a good thing you have an extensive memory.” Jack said.

Gabriel turned the page over and read another typed file with separate photographs of a different gang and a figure with a question mark as well as an aerial image of a rundown apartment complex. Dealer was written in red below the photograph.

“We’ve received intel that they’re taking part in a weapons deal in Ferentari near Bucharest with a local Russian mafia and an anonymous arms dealer only known as the Coin.” Jack continued.

“What’s the product?” Gabriel asked.

“We don’t know. Our guess is it’s something big since the Coin is the one-stop-shop for organized crime syndicates and terrorist organizations. Interpol’s got a Red Notice on his head and several other countries have been trying to catch him for a long time. He recently supplied weapons to the Gwishin of North Korea for their attempted assassination of South Korea’s Prime Minister Chung Nam-il.”

“When’s the deal?”

“It's happening tonight. Fio’s getting the plane ready for you and your team as we speak. Wheels will be up in 1900 hours.”

Gabriel was still unsure about doing the mission but the Coin has been involved in a lot of his previous missions which makes it a big deal.

“You’re sure that your team’s capable of handling Null Sector?” Gabriel asked.

“I wouldn’t have formed this team in the first place if they weren’t.” Jack replied.

Gabriel still doesn’t trust Jack’s team in dealing with the terrorists but this was just for the sake of doing a favor for his old friend. 

“Alright. My team will take part in this mission.” 

“Good,” Jack nodded. “And if possible, capture the Coin. We need to know his identity and find out who his buyers are so we can go after them.”  

Gabriel nodded and turned away, heading for the door.

“Gabriel,” Jack called, grabbing the team leader’s attention. “We’ll get ‘em. Don’t you worry about it.”

Gabriel simply grunted before walking out of the room to report their new mission to his team, which he knows won’t be warmly accepted. 

________________________________________

8:30 PM, Local Time

Romania Airspace

The team was just an hour away from their destination in Bucharest. All of them were involved since they were going to need more firepower just in case the situation escalated into a violent shootout. For the operation, the team was going to HALO jump out of the C130 to reach Ferentari.

Not everybody was keen on conducting an operation while there were ongoing terrorist attacks outside though it wasn’t their position to object. Ray however wasn’t going to stay silent about it.

“This is bullshit.” He said.

“Easy now, Ray.” McCree said.

“No, I'm serious. We should be going after those sons of bitches who are orchestrating those bombings. It’s not just London whose under attack, it’s happening all across the world.”

“Our orders are to stop a potential exchange of a dangerous weapon.” Gabriel said.

“Why are we wasting our time with the mafia when we should be going after the terrorists killing innocent people?”

“Cause we have orders, Ray!” Gabriel snapped, raising his voice. “We don’t question orders! We follow them! If I hear one more word that is not related to this mission come out of your fucking mouth, I’ll make sure your ass is not part of any other operations! Am I clear?”

Ray went quiet immediately, knowing he went out of line.

“Yes sir.” 

“Good. Now shut the fuck up and focus on the mission.” Gabriel said.

Ray sat back and quietly sighed. Of course, his stance on this matter hasn’t changed but this wasn’t the time or place to make it obvious. The rest of the team remained quiet, not planning on provoking Gabriel anytime soon. 

________________________________________

8:57 PM, Local Time

Rome, Italy

The drive down the lightly-lit roads of Rome was silent. The black SUV drove past the bridge, where the road would lead them to a potential Null Sector hideout. Intel has confirmed that Null Sector has plans to attack Rome and after pinpointing their hideout, the Valorant Protocol, founded by Jack Morrison, were given the green light to go after Null Sector. As an elite clandestine unit of NATO, Valorant handles counter-terrorism and off-the-books operations under the government’s approval.

Team leader Brimstone, former DEVGRU commander and the co-founder of Valorant, set his sights forward on the road as the team drove down the partially empty and dark lane with small flashes of traffic lights. Brimstone is like any other American Special Force op, with his commendable bravery and his sturdy will for both himself and his Development Group boys.

For this operation, Brimstone and his team were given uniforms to resemble the NOCS to create a cover that they’re conducting a raid as the tactical unit of the Italian police and even armed with the same gear and weapons the NOCS would carry. The team was ready and two minutes to their destination.

“All callsigns, abort objective! I repeat, abort the objective!”

Brimstone at first thought he heard wrong but his ears were fine. Morrison sounded desperate and when he is desperate, it could mean one thing. Brimstone tapped on the radio.

“Sarge to Command, what’s happening, over?” He asked.

“I need you in Piazza di Spagna immediately!” Morrison quickly answered. “Our intel was wrong! The attack is happening now! I repeat, Null Sector is attacking Piazza di Spagna! Sending you the coordinates!”

Brimstone’s eyes widened. His team around him glanced at him, waiting for further instructions while the driver was still heading straight. Brimstone quickly recollected himself and got back with the radio.

“Copy, Command. We’re en route, out,” Brimstone then turned to the driver. “Cypher, turn this car around now!” 

“Got it!” The driver stopped the car and turned back towards their new destination. 

________________________________________

9:50 PM, Local Time

Bucharest, Romania

Ferentari 

After landing in Ferentari, the team spread themselves out across the open area where the meeting was going to take place. Ray was partnered up with Amélie where they’re providing overwatch from a seven floor abandoned apartment complex 700 yards away from the open area. Ray watched through the spotter, focusing on the Russian and the PRR mafia waiting for the Coin. Generators were scattered across the area with the light illuminating the mafia for brighter vision. 

Amélie had her M82A1 mounted on the ledge as she kept watch on the targets. While her eyes were through the scope keeping an eye on the mafia, she wondered how Ray was feeling right now. Even though she was the second-in-Command of Blackwatch, Amélie understood Ray’s point though she was never usually the person to express it.

“You okay, Ray?” Amélie asked.

Ray briefly paused for a moment.

“I’m fine.”

“I get that you’re frustrated that we’re not the ones handling the attacks. You’re not alone.” 

“Just need to focus on the mission, that’s all.” 

“I know. But I’m just letting you know that you’re not the only one.” 

“Look alive. We have a vehicle approaching the mob.” Gabriel informed through the comms.

Ray then noticed a black SUV arriving at the meeting before parking in front of the mafia. Shortly, a group of armed men with rifles stepped out and the last person stepping out of the car was a Caucasian man wearing a grey suit. The mafia looked at each other in confusion.

“Ты не тот, кого мы ждали.” A Russian gangster said.

“Я его помощник,” The man replied in Russian. “У моего босса есть дела стремиться к но у нас есть оружие, так что встреча будет продолжаться.”

Some of the gangsters conversed with one another, seemingly deciding what to do. The Russian gangster turned away from the others and turned back to the assistant with a nod. 

“Что у тебя?” The gangster said.

The assistant then called out for his men to show the goods in English. His men then pulled out some boxes from the boot as the gangsters waited and observed. Shortly, the men placed the boxes in front of the Russian. The Romanian gangsters waited for their turn but one of them noticed one of the assistant’s men staring down at them and had just turned the safety of his rifle off. 

Suddenly, as the Russian gangster opened the box, the assistant swiftly pulled out a gun from his jacket and dropped the Russian gangster, clean through the head. The assistant’s men suddenly started to open fire on the rest of the mafia before they could react. The Romanian gangsters tried to get their guns out but each ended up gunned down to the ground just like the rest.

“The fuck is this?” Ray muttered. 

“Let’s move out!” The assistant ordered.

The assistant and his men then rushed back into their car.

“Shadow 2, don’t let them get away.” Gabriel ordered.

As soon as Ray gave Amélie the distance and wind speed for her to calculate, a shot rang from her sniper rifle and Ray noticed both the driver and the passenger turn into crimson splatter.

By the time the assistant and his last bodyguard got out of the car, Gabriel and Marvel had already reached them. Marvel took care of the last bodyguard while Gabriel approached the assistant. Before Gabriel could tell the assistant to surrender, he raised his gun, only to be shot in the chest twice before falling onto the ground. 

While Gabriel finished off the assistant, McCree and Sombra checked the bodies of the Romanian mafia and Genji and Moira checked the Russian mafia. Gabriel and Marvel checked the bodies of the assistant’s bodyguards. Gabriel searched the assistant’s body and felt something solid in his pockets. Pulling it out, he found a phone with a lockscreen. Even using the assistant’s fingerprints won’t unlock the phone but it was intel material they could give to Sombra. 

Gabriel then noticed something that caught his attention. A Fairbairn–Sykes knife with capitalized Greek letters and a thunderbolt was tattooed on his neck. It was a tattoo that’s usually associated with the Delta Force. The Coin had been hiring Special Forces veterans.

“Uh, sir? We got a problem.” Marvel called.

Gabriel walked towards Marvel standing next to the boxes. Gabriel looked inside and noticed it was empty.

“What the fuck?” Gabriel muttered.

Sombra and McCree approached the two to see what they were looking at.

“Was this a setup?” Marvel asked.

Gabriel tries to put all the pieces together of what’s going on. The Coin doesn’t show up for the meet, his men started shooting his buyers and quickly tried to leave the area. Gabriel then starts to realize that this isn’t some sort of set up.  

“This was meant to draw us out…”

________________________________________

The Coin watched and observed the footage on his tablet from the safety of his car. He had one of his snipers positioned on the rooftop of one of the many apartments from afar with a camera attached to his scope. To sum it up, the Coin had been waiting for Blackwatch, the government’s secret weapon, to show up and show up they did. He watched their strategies and their method of taking down his assistant and his men with swiftness and discretion. They’re smart, which is a rare praise the Coin would give to them.

“Am I clear to engage, sir?” The sniper asked.

The Coin stared at the leader with the skull mask checking the empty boxes as he flipped his golden poker chip through his fingers before catching it. His cold, unnerving eyes locked with the operative.  

“No need. We have just enough intel for our friends back home.” The Coin said before ordering the sniper and his driver to move out.

________________________________________

9:06 AM, Local Time

Rome, Italy

Embassy of the United States

When the team returned to Rome, they were immediately hit with the bad news. Ray’s gut had been right after all. Null Sector ended up attacking Rome in Piazza Di Spagna and the other covert unit that was supposed to deal with them couldn’t prevent it due to bad intel. The post mission report detailed that more than twenty people, including the Null Sector terrorists, were killed that night. To think that innocent people were murdered in cold blood while they were out in Romania was unbelievable.

Ray watched from atop of the Embassy where he could see Piazza Di Spagna from a distance. One of the towers was hit by a suicide bomber and the damage left behind was out in the open as a message. 

“Mind if I join you?”

Ray looked behind his shoulder and noticed Marvel walking up to him. 

“Go right ahead.” Ray replied.

Marvel then reached Ray and stood next to him, watching the aftermath of Piazza di Spagna.

“Shame about what happened down there. Those guys did their best to contain the attack but the intel team fucked up on their end.”

“I saw the report,” Ray said. “There’s no way they screwed this up and allowed this to happen.”

Marvel remained unfazed, only sighed softly.

“We’re not superheroes, man,” Marvel said. “We can’t save everyone.”

The two stared down at the plaza in silence as sounds of beeps echoed from afar.

“So what now?” Ray asked.

“Dunno,” Marvel shrugged. “Guess we just wait for the next mission that lands on our desk.” 

“Is this what we’re doing now? Waiting?”

“It’s what we do in the line of work, man.”

Marvel then turned away to head back in.

“Do you know why I joined the army in the first place?” Ray suddenly said.

Marvel stopped before turning around to listen.

“I joined because of 9/11,” Ray continued. “I was about 11 when the towers fell. The smoke came to me like a sand monster. I was wandering around the streets calling for my parents. Don’t know why I did that while they were in the North Tower. My bratty ass went out exploring because I got bored watching my parents work.”

Marvel said nothing. Even though he understood Ray’s motivations, anybody would have joined the army when 9/11 struck. It was a wake-up call for the Americans there. Before Marvel could respond, the door behind them opened and the two turned to notice McCree approaching them.

“You two, we’re needed for a meeting.”

________________________________________

9:20 AM, Local Time

Blackwatch was summoned in the new briefing room where their leaders were expected to deliver some updates on the current situation. Joining them was both Jack and Valorant, the team that couldn’t prevent the Rome attack. Valorant was already up to date with Blackwatch’s situation with the Coin. The board in front of the team was covered with pictures and files all gathered in one place.

“Since we’re all here, we have some intel regarding the mission Blackwatch conducted in Romania,” Jack said. “The phone Captain Reyes retrieved from the Coin’s assistant was enough to confirm our target’s identity.” 

Gabriel then approached the board and flipped over a blank photo to a cutout of a Forbes magazine cover of a well-dressed man with slicked hair and noticeable elegance.

“Meet the Coin, Maximilien Rousset.” 

“Isn’t that the magnate who owns a shit load of casinos and businesses across the world?” Marvel said.

“That’s him alright,” Gabriel answered. “But that’s just his cover. He’s an arms dealer in the black market but at some point, he has been working with a high value client or organization. We don’t know who exactly but we know Maximilien has been indirectly responsible for several of our missions for the past few months.”

“And we learned from our intel team that Maximilien had aided weapons to the Null Sector cell in Rome.” Jack added.

The team said nothing but there were signs of surprise and anger.

“I know all of you are upset,” Jack continued. “I feel the same way. To think that this happened not just in our homeland but across the world in one day… it’s a lot to take in.”

“And we’ll be the ones to let these sons of bitches know we won’t just take it lying down,” Gabriel added. “We’ll make sure anything like this never happens again, no matter what.”

Shortly after a few words, the teams were dismissed and Jack went off to tend to Valorant. Gabriel stayed behind and spent his morning reading the board. Everything from pictures to reports and newspaper article cutouts. Something was bothering Gabriel about Maximilien. The fake deal in Romania was meant to draw Blackwatch out. Maximilien wanted to see Blackwatch in the flesh but why exactly? Something was telling him that Maximilien is going to be an adversary from now on.

“Staring at him won’t make him appear.” Amélie said.

Gabriel didn’t need to look behind his shoulder. He anticipated she would stay behind. Gabriel simply sighed and continued reading the board.

“What’re you still doing here?” He asked.

“Knew you would stay behind so I did the same thing.” Amélie answered. Gabriel then heard her footsteps close in from behind.

“Of course. You’re the mysterious Widowmaker.” 

Amélie chuckled. She was now standing beside him, watching the board with him.

“You should also know something,” Amélie said. “It’s about Ray.”

“What’d he do now?” Gabriel asked.

“Nothing. But there’s something about him that’s very strange.”

Gabriel glanced at Amélie. “What do you mean?”

“He reminded me of someone who wanted to be a soldier as if it was his destiny.”

Gabriel wasn’t sure what Amélie was talking about.

“What’re you trying to tell me?” He asked.

“My point is that you should talk to Ray and at least listen to what he has to say. Because what he said back on the plane was right.”

With that said, Amélie turned away and left the room, leaving Gabriel by himself. Gabriel knew Amélie was telling the truth about Ray but he wasn’t sure how to handle it. He had always been a team leader who’d follow any order given by his superiors but there would be a time where his orders would cross the line morally and trap him on a tightrope. Still, Gabriel couldn’t get Maximilien out of his mind and it was puzzling to piece the connections between Maximilien’s intentions and the past missions.

________________________________________

(Three Weeks Later)

9:51 PM, Local Time

French Polynesia

October, 2018

Will Zambezi checked his watch with the screen reflecting from the ceiling. It was almost 10 PM and his client was still mingling with his business partners. His service in the South African Special Forces had prepared him for the job and his resume was packed with successful escorts for several other high-profile clients. His newest client for him and his security team: Vernand Sainclair, CEO of Sainclair Pharmaceuticals.

Sainclair acted as some sort of messiah to the public when he promised affordable medicine but like many other CEOs he knew, Sainclair was no different. Rich, stylish and self-centred, the many manifestations of a famous CEO nowadays. 

The money he used went into clothes, jewelry, fancy cars and one hell of a superyacht which Zambezi was in right now moored away from his vacation resort in French Polynesia. Some messiah he is. Zambezi watched Sainclair try to speak through his laughs as he held his glass of champagne, wearing a light coloured summer shirt with cream coloured dress pants and gold jewelry. Alongside Sainclair and his business partners, they’re being spoiled by beautiful women accompanying them. Zambezi would bet half of the women are their mistresses considering most of them are married except Sainclair. 

Sighing, Zambezi stared ahead while his clients continued to go on with their drunken rants. He noticed Cruz and Russell across the lounge also standing in boredom while watching Sainclair as well. Suddenly, the room went dark and the chatter was cut off. It was pitch black and nobody could see anything. 

“What was that?” One of the partners said.

“I can’t see anything.”

Zambezi looked around as the confusion arose. He then reached for his radio.

“Spearhead to Team A, status, over.” 

There was no response. His radio wasn’t even working. Something or someone must’ve disabled the electrical system completely but there was certainty of who.

“Got nothing on my feed, sir.” Cruz said.

Zambezi turned to Cruz and Russell. “You two, formation.” 

“Yes sir.”

His bodyguards then surrounded Sainclair and his group, hands on their holsters. None of the guards had flashlights and that was hard enough. 

“What’s going on? Is something happening?” Sainclair asked.

“I don’t know but I need all of you to stay calm.” Zambezi said.

Suddenly, they heard gunshots from outside, startling everyone in the room. At this point, everybody was sobered up and panicking. Sounds of semi-automatic gunfire echoed from outside and it was starting to get louder with time. Zambezi and his men then pulled their pistols out of their holsters and closed in with Sainclair. 

“Mr Sainclair, we need to move you and your group to the panic room ASAP. Follow me and do exactly as I say. Cruz, with me. Russell, take point.”

“Yes, sir!” 

The team began to make their move towards the door. Zambezi’s best bet was that this was a pirate attack. However, there was no possible way for pirates to obtain some sort of device to start a blackout but it was more likely that they took the blackout as an advantage. As the team led Sainclair and his group down the dark corridor, gunfire continued to erupt with sounds of rapid rounds echoed from outside. Zambezi could hear what sounded like a LMG firing from the other side.

The entirety of the yacht was dark and Zambezi's eyes eventually began to adapt to the blackness as he and his team navigated across the expensive yacht. Russell, who was leading the team, peeked through a corner with his pistol aimed before allowing the team to continue safely. 

The team had reached the stairs leading to the panic room. Suddenly, gunfire rang from nowhere and Russell fell over, tumbling down the stairs as the pistol bounced off the steps. Sainclair flinched and some of his friends panicked once again. 

“Russell’s down!” Zambezi shouted. Their attackers were surprisingly more capable than he expected since they were able to see through the dark.

“Nine o’clock!” Cruz shouted.

Zambezi immediately turned around and noticed several pairs of faint red dots illuminating from a distance before a flash and gunfire brightened up the dark. Cruz fell before he could react and before he knew it, Zambezi was hit in the chest and fell back with a violent thud. 

One by one, Sainclair’s group was mercilessly shot down when most tried to run. One of the women was shot in the neck and began to choke and gurgle as she fruitlessly tried to cover her bloody neck. The red eyed figures closed in and one of them reached the dying woman with his rifle aimed at her. Before she could beg, he shot her dead before turning away to focus his aim at Sainclair, who was the only one spared for some reason. More figures emerged from all around them and aimed their rifles at Sainclair, all shouting ‘clear’ as they formed. Sainclair already had his hands up.

“This is Doubleday, we got eyes on the asset, over.” One of the figures said. A pause between. “Copy. Out.”

Zambezi noticed through the dark that the figures didn’t look close to being pirates. They were all kitted up in dark military-grade uniforms with armor from the shoulder pads down to the groin protectors, as well as M50 gas masks with red NODs attached to their helmets. Each of them bore a distinctive patch on their vests and shoulders but Zambezi couldn’t make out what it was. Something was off about them. Something that felt supernatural and inhuman.

“Who are you people?! What do you want?!” Sainclair shouted. Nobody responded.

Shortly, another similarly geared up group arrived and one of them was towering over the rest, heavily muscular and large like a mountain while wearing the same gear but more armored. He was carrying a LMG fitted with multiple attachments like the others with the muzzle still emitting smoke. He was listening to someone through the comms as he approached them.

“Copy. We’re clear at our in. Setting charges.” A voice said.

The large gunman then approached Sainclair, walking over the bodies before him. As he held the LMG up, he then lifted his NODs up, giving Sainclair a view of the visor of his gas mask.

“Vernand Sainclair,” He said. “It's been too long.”

Sainclair’s eyes widened when he glanced up at the bulky figure.

“M-Mauga?” Sainclair muttered, recognizing the filtered voice.

“I see you’re doing pretty well for yourself, buddy. I mean, you can afford a nice yacht now. How’s the company doing?”

“Why are you here? We had a deal! I gave your leader enough information and kept quiet about you all and you let me walk away!” 

Mauga then erupted into laughter and the rest of the figures laughed along over their filtered masks. Sainclair stared in confusion and anger, unable to think straight.

“And you bought every single word they said? Heh, you got jokes, buddy. I’ll give you that. But there’s a catch you missed. No one leaves Talon that easily.”

Mauga then pulled out his sidearm from his holster. Sainclair’s pants began to increase by the second. 

“Well, I did say I wanted to kill you,” Mauga said as he racked the slide. “And today is the day I keep my promise.”

Mauga aimed the pistol at Mauga with his finger lightly on the trigger. Sainclair’s pleas were going nowhere and the gunmen all stood eerily still. A few seconds passed and no gunshot rang. Mauga suddenly snorted and let out a laugh, lowering the pistol.

“I’m just messing with ya, buddy! You shoulda seen the look on his face! He looked like he was having a heart attack!”

The gunmen laughed alongside Mauga while Sainclair stared dumbfounded but still fearing for his life. Zambezi caught a glimpse of one of the gunmen who was the only one not laughing. Eventually, Mauga and the gunmen calmed down and he holstered his pistol.

“Anyways, we aren’t here to kill you. That comes later. Boss needs you alive and we’re here to take you back.”

“What does he want?” Sainclair croaked.

“Dunno. You’ve been a reliable asset for Talon for a long time and they really want you back home.”

“Why?”

Mauga paused and sighed eagerly. “Let’s just say that he has big plans for you. For all of us. For history to come.”

Sainclair’s eyes narrowed down into resistance and scowled at Mauga. Even through the gas mask, Zambezi could see the eyes of a predator ready to take its shot.

“You think I’ll just agree to your-”

Suddenly, Mauga pulled his pistol in a split second and shot at Sainclair’s shoulder, with the bullet just cutting past the surface of the skin. Sainclair shouted in pain as he stumbled backwards and gripped onto his shoulder. 

“That wasn’t a request, Vernand,” Mauga said with coldness escaping his mouth. “You’re coming back with us, one way or another, unless you want Captain to find out I did more than just graze you. I promised them I would bring you back in one piece and the last thing I wanna do is drag another body for tonight.” 

“Charges are set. Ready for detonation.” The same voice from Mauga’s comms said.

“Copy, Pacanowsky. Stand-by,” Mauga then turned his attention back to Sainclair. “Bag the asset and let’s roll outta here. And make sure to slow the bleeding. We don’t wanna lose him on our way back.”

The masked gunmen then approached Sainclair and pulled him up by his collar. Two of them tied Sainclair behind his back and the other put a bag over his head before dragging him with them and heading off. 

Zambezi may be helpless and dying but he still got some fight in him. Blood was already oozing out of his mouth and his consciousness was slipping away but he was willing to make one last move. Sainclair may be a rich asshole but his behavior didn’t change Zambezi’s duty to protect him at all costs. 

He reached his pistol and weakly raised it to aim at one of the gunmen. Zambezi’s hand rigorously shook as he desperately tried to pull the trigger. Suddenly, Mauga stopped and spun around with his pistol aimed back at Zambezi’s direction. A gunshot rang in front of him and the light went dark for good.