#all three of the wizards we’ve actually seen

[britcision]

In honour of a combo Wednesday and then post-midnight Yule, have a WIP Wednesday friends! We haven’t seen Sam for a while and Hanukkah was early this year (finished on the 15) but we are here now!

This chapter’s already gotten intense as hell for Danny and Jason with Lady Gotham but we’ve been tragically without our resident fashionable goth (sorry not sorry Bruce) and we are definitely still a muppet movie, so enjoy Sam-Miss-Piggy creating some extra chaos behind the scenes 👀

No promises about how regular these updates will be because again, plot chapter, I like letting those drop without spoiling the reveals too much, but we shall see

——————

Chapter 18 part i So That Just Happened

Back in her own room on the other side of the country from Gotham, Sam Manson reclined back into giant, coffin shaped body pillow her beloved girlfriend had given her when they moved and contemplated her phone.

The brand new Wayne-chat was blowing up satisfactorily, although apparently Tim was a massive stalker too. That was probably a good thing; it meant she hadn’t actually nuked Tuck’s chances with his nerd-crush. Now they could bond over their mutual stalker tendencies.

But, did that make her revenge less effective?

It wasn’t like she was actually out to ruin his life, but she’d kinda like to leave a mark. Something that would make him think twice about letting her think he and Danny had fucking died in Gotham in her absence.

Or. Well. Gone radio silent in Gotham, which was probably actually worse because if they were dead she’d know exactly where they were.

The Wayne chat were all pretty sure Tim and Tucker were together too, and Sam’s new best friend Babs had even pulled up the feed from their living room tv somehow. Sam wasn’t exactly the tech wizard Tucker was, but… after seeing that, she disconnected her and Val’s TV from the wifi.

And settled in to remote watch Tuck get his ass kicked at Spiderheck, apparently. At least for a little while; until something else on her phone caught her attention.

It was… almost funny. While she knew she was a whole two timezones away, she’d never really felt left out before. Like maybe she should have stayed on the east coast…

Not that she regretted it, of course. She had a good job, a good school, a wonderful girlfriend who’d been so excited to get into a good school and really go to town on the business department.

(Apparently there were posters of Val’s face in the ethics classrooms. Sam refused to ask if they were golden example or dire warning.)

She was just… a long way away. Even a long portal away, and… being back with the guys, even in Gotham, made the quiet of their comfy little apartment seem lonely.

Huffing, she turned and traced her fingers through the leaves of her mimosa plant on the windowsill beside the bed. They curled gently shut at her touch, and made her smile. Just like always.

She was happy to be home. She wasn’t technically liminal enough yet that it was her haunt, but… well, for all the jokes Val made, Sam had to admit she’d put down roots. She loved her job at the greenhouses, and her internship at the botanical gardens.

She loved scaring the hell out of the dudebros in Val’s business classes who thought ethics were a waste of time. She loved sharing messages with Jazz about the boys, laughing that even three hours ahead, Tuck and Danny still couldn’t get up before them.

She was kinda considering texting Harley about Timblr too. Not like, for any particular reason; if Tim’s family weren’t gonna embarrass Tucker enough, Harley probably wouldn’t either. She’d probably think it was adorable.

Or, y’know, worrying evidence of obsession. Psych types worried about stuff like that, usually.

Sam was kinda also considering sending Harley Jazz’s number. Jazz might still be skating just on the neurosurgery side of the line, but she’d always been big into psychology. Big enough to try and double major, and only drop to major-minor after the third pre-exam meltdown.

And she could use having someone else do the shrink bit on her a little more often. Although really, for that Sam should make her a professional appointment; friends didn’t ask friends to psychoanalyze their overprotective pseudo-sisters. And Jazz could use more friends.

Jazz could use a transfer to a specialty that would let her sleep once in a while, a more stable supply of fresh ecto, and about six weeks in a meditation retreat to get the accidental telepathy under control, but more friends would be good too. And less stubborn insistence on her second try for double majors.

Maybe the switch to psychiatry full time would be good for her? Or psychology. Sam was a little fuzzy on the difference, which one Jazz was minoring in, and which one Harley did.

(Jazz’s current second major was neurosurgery, which Jazz insisted was totally less taxing alongside a neurology major because it was the same body part. She was the only person in her class attempting the double major though, so.)

Humming tunelessly to herself, Sam flicked back into the group chat. Babs was still sharing the feed… brows drawing in, Sam frowned at the little spider figures still fighting to the death. Now, she wasn’t as big of a gamer as she used to be, but she was pretty sure Spiderheck didn’t actually offer red berets.

Snorting a laugh, she flicked back out of the chat and opened a new one, adding both Jazz and Harley. All it needed was the perfect name… something that would grab both of their attention.

Obvious. Child’s play.

Snuggling back into her coffin pillow, Sam grinned down at her phone screen.

Danny Has A Boyfriend chat was live.

——————

And in at the last minute, Jazz! We’ll see if she shows up in person this chapter, I’m hoping it’ll be the last big lore dump before the first plot arc begins but We Shall See…

Chapter 20 is right around the corner though, and I like my divisibles of 5 so I miiiiight shoot for that Red Hood Reveal then… 👀

Tag List: @welcometosasakiworld @someonebored0100 @stealingyourbones @starkcravingmad @frostedthroughghost @akikkobara @rainbowbunny0159 @littlefeather345 @violet-catsarelife @serasvictoria02 @wolfjackle @blacksea21090 @secretdestinywerewolf @anime-hipster-the-amazing @undead-essence @skitscratched @blackroserelina @snoodly-boop @mayoota-blog @xysidhe @little-apricot-the-writer @chaoticmistake @the-legal-shipper @bun-fish @aroranorth-west @demon-cat-goes-woof @perfectwastelandcreation @onyxlightdragon @larks-and-katydids @peachesandcreamfemboy @jesus-camp-the-sequel @may-rbi @mothman-the-mothman87 @viyatrix @stargirl1331 @thedepressedrobin @skulld3mort-1fan @rootsmudge @ravenshadow17 @cankoking @phantom-dc @mentalcarebear @magic-pincushion @redamancyardor @lyra689 @itsparadoxlacuna @alcorbearson @asphyxia778 @why-must-i-be-like-this @tkiesai @greenpyrowolf @frivolous-pastel @honeysuckletook @adorkable1291

[kozmicmizuu]

hashira incorrect quotes cause i’m bored 😔

————————————————————————

Giyuu: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces.

Giyuu: *waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro*

Shinobu : Can you keep a secret?

Giyuu: Do you know anything about my life?

Shinobu : No, I don't. Good point.

Muichiro : What was that?

Kyojuro: My shirt fell.

Muichiro : It sounded a lot heavier than that.

Giyuu: They were in it.

Kyojuro: Muichiro , what do you have?

Muichiro : A KNIFE!

Kyojuro: Okay, have fu-

Kanroji : NO!

Tengen : Where are my fucking keys?

Gyomei: Tengen , Muichiro is around, can you say it a little nicer?

Tengen : May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

Kanroji , carrying a box: What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day?

Shinobu : …

Shinobu : What’s in the box?

Kanroji : What woul-

Shinobu : Kanroji , what’s in the box?

Kanroji : I think you know.

Sanemi: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-

Giyuu: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug

Sanemi: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-

Tengen , recording: This is so cute.

Tengen: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Giyuu: Several traffic violations.

Kyojuro: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Sanemi : Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Obanai: Also, that’s not our car.

Tengen: You're a loose cannon, Giyuu.

Giyuu: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Kyojuro: I think you play by your own rules.

Sanemi : No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Tengen: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Giyuu: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Obanai is a loose cannon.

Obanai: *smashes a chair*

Tengen: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Giyuu: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Kyojuro: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Sanemi : *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Obanai: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Tengen: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Kyojuro will and will not eat.

Giyuu: Grass? Yes!

Tengen: Moss? Yes!!

Giyuu: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Tengen: Shoelaces? Strange but true!

Giyuu: Worms? Sometimes!

Tengen: Rocks? Usually nah.

Giyuu: Twigs? Usually!

Tengen: Obanai's cooking? Inconclusive!

Sanemi : How did you… test this?

Tengen: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.

Sanemi : ... I don’t know how to feel about this.

Obanai: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Tengen: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Giyuu: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Kyojuro: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Sanemi : I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Obanai: My moral code, is that you?

Tengen:

Tengen: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

————————————————————————

links to the generators i used!! :

[roguemage64]

I had such a fun time with this incorrect quote generator! Hope y’all enjoy what it came up with 😄

Incorrect She-ra Quotes

Catra: This is bothering me.

Adora: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Catra: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

Catra: So what’s for dinner?

Adora, staring at the food she just burnt: Regret.

Catra: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: I’M SORRY]

Adora: What's that?

Catra: Remorse code.

Adora: I'm even angrier now.

Catra: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Adora: What did you do?

Catra: Nobody died.

Adora: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Catra: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume?

Adora: *chugs entire bottle*

Adora: It’s perfume.

Catra, tending to Adora's wounds: How would you rate your pain?

Adora: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

Adora: Violence isn't the answer.

Catra: You’re right.

Adora: *sighs in relief*

Catra: Violence is the question.

Adora: What?

Catra, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Adora, running after her: NO-

Adora: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

Catra: Oh, you’ve been?

Adora : Once. In Monopoly.

Catra, watching the news: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!

Adora: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a jerk.

Catra: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is the most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Adora's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. I can’t get her out...

The rest of the Princess Alliance:

Catra: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Adora: Only if you also don't ask why

Adora: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

Catra:

Adora:

Catra: This one is fine.

Catra: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Bow: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Adora: I got distracted about halfway through.

Glimmer: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Catra: Great.

Adora: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Glimmer: OH MY GOSH BOW FELL OFF!!!

Glimmer: Everyone, synchronize your watches.

Adora: I don’t know how to do that.

Bow: I don’t wear a watch.

Catra: Time is a construct.

Bow: You know those things will kill you, right?

Glimmer, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Catra, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Adora: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

Adora: I’m an idiot.

Catra:

Glimmer:

Bow:

Adora:

Catra: If you’re waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Scorpia: What does 'take out' mean?

Adora: Food.

Bow: Dating

Glimmer: Murder

Catra: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

Scorpia: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Adora: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Glimmer: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Bow: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Catra: My moral code, is that you?

Scorpia:

Scorpia: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mothers left me but do you guys need a hug?

Adora: You're a loose cannon, Catra.

Catra: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Bow: I think you play by your own rules.

Glimmer: No way, she think rules were made to be broken.

Adora: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Catra: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Scorpia is a loose cannon.

Scorpia: *accidentally smashes a chair*

Adora: Nothing in life is free.

Perfuma: Love is free!

Sea Hawk: Adventure is free!

Bow: Knowledge is free.

Catra: Everything is free if you take it without paying.

Catra: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Adora: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Glimmer: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Catra: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Bow: What is wrong with you people.

Catra: Anyone d-

Adora: Depressed?

Bow: Drained?

Glimmer: Dumb?

Scorpia: Disliked?

Catra: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people ...

Catra: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Adora will and will not eat.

Glimmer: Grass? Yes!

Catra: Moss? Yes!!

Glimmer: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Catra: Shoelaces? Strange but true!

Glimmer: Worms? Sometimes!

Catra: Rocks? Usually nah.

Glimmer: Twigs? Usually!

Catra: Scorpia’s cooking? Inconclusive!

Perfuma: How did you… test this?

Catra: You just hand her stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if she eats it, she eats it.

Perfuma: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.

Bow: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Adora: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Catra: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Bow: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Glimmer: I joined in on the dumb stuff.

Perfuma: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!

Perfuma: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Adora: Have everyone stand.

Bow: Bring three more chairs!

Glimmer: The most important ones can sit down.

Catra: Kill three.

Glimmer: Good morning.

Adora: Good morning.

Bow: Good morning.

Scoria: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

Catra: MORNING SCUMBAGS

Adora: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Glimmer: Several traffic violations.

Catra: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Scorpia: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Bow: Also, that’s not our car.

Catra: So uhhh... my question is: my friend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing handfuls of fettuccine... uncooked...

Glimmer: I would hope they're not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine!

Scorpia: In your pantry!

Catra: Yeah... and eating them raw, and they keep calling them 'chips'. ... How do I make them stop?

Glimmer: Is your friend here?

Catra, motioning to Adora: Yeah.

Glimmer, to Adora: You're a monster! Words MEAN things!

Bow: Does anybody remember- I haven't been to Olive Garden in many moons- but they DO have a like- fettuccine bottle that you can just- grab em out of and chew-

Bow: HOLD ON. WAS THIS A PRANK YOU GUYS PULLED ON ME WHEN WE WENT TO OLIVE GARDEN AS KIDS?!

Bow: NO, STOP. EVERYBODY SHUT UP. DO THEY GIVE YOU RAW FETTUCCINE TO CHEW ON IN THE LOBBY OF THE OLIVE GARDEN

Everyone else: No.

Bow, to Glimmer and Catra: YOU MONSTERS

Glimmer: YAAAAAAAAY!

Catra: THE PRESTIGE

Catra: Bye Adora! Bye Bow! Bye Glimmer! Bye Scorpia! Bye Adora!

Bow: You said ‘bye Adora’ twice.

Catra: I like Adora.

Scorpia: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Glimmer: 'Prettiest Smile'

Bow: 'Nicest Personality'

Catra: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Adora: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Bow: You kidnapped Adora? That’s illegal!

Catra: But Bow, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Adora, or destroying our dreams?

Bow: Kidnapping Adora, Catra!!!

Glimmer: Bow, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these guys are counting on you to inspire them!

Bow: What, to kidnap people?!?!

Glimmer: To work together!

Bow: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!

Glimmer: Bow, we all agreed celebrities were an exception.

*The squad is over at Catra's house*

Adora: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Catra: ... N-No...

Catra, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Adora, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!

Bow: I see a-

Catra, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Adora: Oh, well I-

Catra: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Catra, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Glimmer: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Scorpia: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Catra: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Catra: I am someone who owns four ovens...

Catra, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Catra: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Perfuma, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Catra:

Adora: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Catra:

Catra, ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Catra: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!

Adora: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.

Bow: More or less, I guess...

Glimmer: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!

Scorpia: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.

Perfuma: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!

Bow: Just be yourself.

Catra: 'Be myself'? Bow, I have one day to win Adora over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Perfuma: Couple weeks.

Mermista: Six months.

Glimmer: Jury’s still out.

Catra: See, Bow?

Catra: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Catra: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

Adora: Okay, but what is updog?

Bow: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Glimmer: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

Scorpia: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Perfuma: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Catra: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.

Glimmer: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

Bow: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

Adora: What’s a henway??

Catra: Oh, about five pounds.

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

Catra: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone:

Adora: ...I did. I broke it.

Catra: No. No you didn't. Bow?

Bow: Don't look at me. Look at Glimmer.

Glimmer: What?! I didn't break it.

Bow: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Glimmer: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Bow: Suspicious.

Glimmer: No, it's not!

Scorpia: If it matters, probably not, but Perfuma was the last one to use it.

Perfuma: Lies! I don't even drink that trash.

Scorpia: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Perfuma: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Scorpia!

Adora: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Catra.

Catra: No! Who broke it!?

Everyone:

Scorpia: Catra... Bow's been awfully quiet.

Bow: rEALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

Catra, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

Catra: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Catra:

Catra: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

*The squad right before Adora (and Catra)'s wedding*

Catra: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.

Bow: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!

Glimmer: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well

Scorpia: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND

Perfuma, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

Perfuma: Thanks fam!

Mermista: oh no

Scorpia: *cries* I love you too

Glimmer: Sounds fake but okay

Adora: *A flustered mess*

Catra: can i get a refund

Adora: We need to distract these guys

Catra: Leave it to me

Catra: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Bow, Glimmer, and Mermista: *Immediately begin arguing*

Perfuma, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Catra: Rules are made to be broken.

Adora: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Bow: Uh, piñatas.

Scorpia: Glow sticks.

Glimmer: Karate boards.

Perfuma: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Catra: Rules.

Adora:

Catra: Time for plan G.

Adora: Don’t you mean plan B?

Catra: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Bow: What about plan D?

Catra: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Glimmer: What about plan E?

Catra: I’m hoping not to use it. I die in plan E.

Glimmer: I like plan E.

Adora: So are we flirting right now?

Catra: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU

Adora: That doesn’t answer my question

Adora: Catra, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!

Catra: Well of course I have.

Catra: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Catra: It's boring.

Catra: Can you keep a secret?

Adora: Do you know anything about my life?

Catra: Yes I do. Good point.

Catra: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

Adora, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

Catra: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Adora: How can you still say that?

Catra: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Catra: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Adora: I think you mean cards.

Catra, pulling knives out of her sleeves: No, I do not.

Adora: How do I deal with my enemies?

Catra: Kill them

Adora: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution

Catra: Kill them only a little?

Catra: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Adora: You and me!!!

Catra, tearing up: Okay.

Catra: I’m going to take you out

Adora: great, it’s a date!

Catra: I meant that as a threat.

Adora: See you at five!

Adora: This is such a bad idea.

Catra: Then why are you coming along?

Adora: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Catra: Am I in trouble?

Adora: Take a guess.

Catra: No?

Adora: Take another guess.

Catra: You kill people for money?!

Adora: I can explain!

Catra: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Adora: I was arrested for being too cool.

Catra: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

These quotes are generated from https://incorrectquotesgenerator.com

[warningsine]

Now that we’ve gotten to the end of Girls5eva season three, there’s just 6 much we’ve seen the girl group sing about: the hotness of boys in space, UTIs, knee surgery. But in the quest to be famous 5eva, one song has to be No. 1. Using a highly scientific process known as “listening to my own taste,” I ranked the output of Girls5eva thus far, focusing both on whether the songs are good as stand-alone songs and whether they are actually funny. For the sake of clarity, I stuck to the music available on the show’s official cast recordings, which does leave off several gems we only hear for a few seconds onscreen. (Why didn’t we get a studio version of Dawn’s song where she uses every possible definition of the word “set”? This is a question I can only yell fruitlessly at the screen and hope for a response.) Until then, we will make do with this list of the excellent Girls5eva material that is available on a music-streaming service near you.

32) “U Ready?” A filler song that is itself a joke about filler songs, you have to admire the number of ways the Girls5eva writers have the group stall for time. The delivery is very funny, and we get all the girls (including Ashley Park) doing their best ready-for-MTV voices to confirm they are, indeed, “in the house” and “ready.” However, the concept is better as an elaborate joke than a song, per se. Best line: “If you’re ready, could you say ‘ready’? Because you could be ‘in the house’ and not ‘ready.’”

31) “Home Alone Doorknob” This is barely a song, but man, it’s a funny metaphor for what happens to your clitoris when you get horny. Best line: “It’s gonna get sexy, so watch out, Joe Pesci!”

30) “The Splingee” Another exercise in specific girl-group humor, Girls5eva describes how to do a “dope” dance move that is supposedly taking the world by storm. It involves whipping your hair, doing figure eights with your waist, blinking with two eyes, and getting all shy like you want to cry. The instructions end with the note that “the only thing left to do is repeat it two more times to make one complete splingee.” Honestly, it sounds like a home workout I should try. Best line: “Grind up on a ghost, then shake it out.”

29) “Who U Know” A solo performance by Jeremiah Craft’s Lil Stinker (who later gets canceled and rebrands as a country act), this is a send-up of name-dropping rap singles, with Stinker just listing everyone he knows, from his mom to his friend’s mom to Alfre Woodard. Best line: “From Zendaya to Zen-die-a!”

28) “No Strings” Gloria spends season three trying to hook up with every type of woman, but realizes that she’s a romantic after all. Here, she’s trying to embrace a no-strings-attached dynamic through a nonsensical folk tune that’s about a couple chasing the moon in an airplane powered by love. Best line: “A morning that never came until the coroner said to the wizard ‘time of death,’ the same.”

27) “Line Up” ”This is the song that launches Girls5eva’s comeback, since Lil Stinker samples “Famous 5eva” on it. We’ll get to their original hit later on, but the Stinker side of it is pretty generic as a placeholder for the kind of song that might sample something from the early 2000s. Best line: “I know you wanna light up, forever 5eva enough.”

26) “Thinking About Myself” One of Dawn’s stabs at songwriting early in season two, this is a fairly direct ballad about self-involvement. It does have some great zealous grandstanding vocals from Renée Elise Goldsberry, though. Best line: “Crying harder than anyone at a funeral for a great-uncle I barely knew.”

25) “Space Boys” In the chronicles of Girls5eva’s adventures in dating, here we have them going on an interstellar boy-kissing mission. Sadly they don’t have a TARS to keep them company, but after checking every planet they can (including “the stars”) they find some space boys (“more exotic than a waiter from France!”). On the show, the song accompanies some flashbacks to a young Gloria trying to avoid making out with actual boys, but solely as music, it’s just a low-key sci-fi jam. Best line: “We found a planet full of girls, but we left!”

24) “Later” An empowerment song in the genre of “Brave,” sung of course by Sara Bareilles, but about procrastination. The drum and piano orchestrations are so inspiring it’s easy to ignore that the message is that you really don’t need to do anything right now. Best line: “Now’s the not the right time, let’s aim for next year when we’ll have no fear, maybe by then the problems got solved by themselves all on their own.”

23) “Boyz Next Door (Puber-Dude)” To match the queasy sexualization of the Girls5eva, this number offers up the chance to objectify the just-recently pubescent members of Boyz Next Door, who have become the “hottest boys in the cul-de-sac” with a “Backstreet’s Back”–style anthem of their own. Who could resist their thin little mustaches, awkward growth spurts, and bland conversation? Best line: “Floppy hair, greasy brow, Adam’s apple going pow-pow-pow.”

22) “Sweet’N Low Daddy” Another vault track: In season three, the adult members of Girls5eva are pretty embarrassed by the message of their old hit about the benefits of dating an older man, but man, it’s pretty catchy, so you can understand why Cat Cohen’s character took it as gospel. Their ideal daddy has parents you never need to meet because they died during Nixon, and, of course, the song ends with the crucial question: “Real talk, when are you going to die?” Best line: “Don’t need to graduate, because we’re elder bait!”

21) “Can’t Wait 2 Wait” Back in the day, Busy Phillips’s Summer and Andrew Rannells’s Kev collabed on this break-out Christian-pop single about the joys of not having sex yet. Its fun hook and a peppy atmosphere bely the sheer grossness of the overall message. Best line: “Premarital urges aren’t itches to be scratched, so look up medical oddities until those feelings pass.”

20) “Daughter Hero” Renée Elise Goldsberry gets to do a groovy ’90s ballad with Wickie in celebration of her own generosity to her mother, never mind the fact that she comes from a solidly upper-middle-class family. She buys her mom a house, a house that’s significantly less nice than the one she already has! Best line: “Daughter hero, like if Jesus had a sister!”

19) “New York City Moms” An obvious sequel to “New York Lonely Boy” (more on that below), this song brings on Ingrid Michaelson(!) to perform an ode to the women of the city who have chosen to wait to have kids. A celebration of the moms who have “bumps poking out of Eileen Fisher” and are “judged by their husband’s out-of-town sister,” the Girls5eva writers can riff endlessly on very niche New York micro-communities, and bless them for that. Best line: “Spent their 20s in a disco, still younger than moms in San Francisco.”

18) “Summer Brings the Fall” Kev’s best attempt at a torch song involves an increasingly convoluted series of attempts at wordplay that I can’t help but respect. It starts out with “thought you were for ev, thought you were for Kev, you were like whatev, now I pray to heav … for strength” and just gets more forced from there. Best line: “Thought I was your male, cause you’re my holy grail.”

17) “Is There a Me?” Season three brought Busy Philipps a short but sweet bit of soul-searching in which Summer questions if she has any identity of her own, or if her personality has just been a series of attempts to please guys. Points for Philipps showing off some vocal training, deductions for the amount of Netflix cross-marketing involved. Best line: “Do I even like��The Witcher, or is it just to please a mister? And what is The Witcher? I watched 40 minutes and I’m still not sure!”

16) “Inside My Sweater” Girls5eva’s music industry gets awfully specific with its parody of a Harry Styles–type sensitive boy hounded by mobs of fans named Gray Holland, played by Gossip Girl alum Thomas Doherty (he also played a similar role on the late, lamented High Fidelity Hulu reboot). As far as sound-alikes go, this Harry–slash–Shawn Mendes low-key bob is eerily accurate but also somehow a successful earworm, especially in the way Doherty refuses to ever pronounce the “r” in “sweater.” Best line: “Come dance and cook and make sweet love with me, inside my sweater!”

15) “Welcome to Now” Doherty’s soft-boy star Gray Holland returns, against his own will, in a pop hit constructed by his label “because Clause 46B, Paragraph Q of the artist’s contract grants the company use of postmortem generative voice cloning.” It’s the funnier of the two Gray Holland songs, and the beat’s so sensual you may miss that it quickly becomes an ad for the deals available at Best Buy. Best line: “Best Buy, Best Buy, Gray Holland loves Best Buy. Tablets, projectors, and more. You’re the best, bye!”

14) “Larry’s Song” The girls get their Taylor’s Version moment with this kiss off to their former manager that references many of the show’s recurring jokes about the indignities of early aughts fame, including him promising a steak knife to whoever seduces Carson Daly. The twist by the end is that they’ve finally gotten some financial and personal control, and thus, “everything we do belongs to us.” Best line: “Only let us eat crab, cause you can’t get fat from food that’s so damn hard to get at.”

13) “At the Beep” No, you’re tearing up thinking about a fictional character who died in an infinity-pool accident. In this episode, Gloria finally gives up on her conspiracy theories about Ashley’s death and accepts that she might really be gone. (I do wonder if Ashley Park would’ve been available for a longer run in season two if Emily in Paris hadn’t gotten so big.) This results in a somber number where girls say good-bye to Ashley through her still-active (because Gloria has been paying) answering-machine service. Best line: “It should have been me.” “I did a lot of cocaine, so much cocaine.”

12) “Get It Off Your Chest” In a moment of confession and healing in season three, the women of Girls5eva share their darker secrets with each other and their audience. The result is a series of tightly written jokes from the show’s writing staff: Wickie only likes people who “like me,” “but be careful, if you like me too much, it has the opposite effect and I find you desperate,” Gloria doesn’t trust stand-up comics who are too in shape, Summer hasn’t listened to a voice-mail since 2015, and finally, Dawn delivers my favorite … Best line: “Every year when my son’s school sends out the class list with parents’ names, the first thing I do is Google them to see what they paid for their apartments.”

11) “Momentum” Starting off season two, the girls have got momentum, yeah, um, it’s their moment (bless you, Jeff Richmond) with a song that’s relatively straightforward within the Girls5eva canon but is also a solid earworm. I have to respect that groovy baseline, too. Best line: “Unstoppable, this unst-unst ain’t toppable.”

10) “Tap Into Your (Fort) Worth” A canny marketing move: The girls of 5Eva plot a way to secure a captive audience by writing a song about an American city nobody else has written a song about. The result is a clever ode to Dallas’s overlooked sister, declaring that “cow town is a wild town with a walkable downtown” and trumpeting the fact that the Trinity River is, in some places, now actually swimmable. It’s enough to make you want to consider booking a flight to DFW, maybe just as a connection, but still. Best line: “Some say Omaha Zoo is second-best, but that’s a lie because their red panda is always inside. It’s never out on the tree, yeah!”

9) “I’m Afraid (Dawn’s Song of Fears)” Sometimes you just have to let Sara Bareilles loose with a piano and sing like she’s performing “Gravity.” Here, Dawn’s attempt to write a song on her own ends with her just listing things she’s afraid of, from the fact that she might thrive under Scientology to her fear that she’ll text a pic of her vagina to her dad. There’s something very funny to me about the way Bareilles says “my hummus is fungus” and I have to own that. Best line: “I’m afraid that the second I leave town I’ll get a UTI. Why can’t they sell those pills over the counter? I don’t need a doctor, I know exactly what it is.”

8) “Yesternights” Finally, a full taste of Wickie’s solo album, a work absolutely choked by melisma and sung impeccably by Renée Elise Goldsberry. It’s, as she sings, “gorgeous and sensual” and also “life fancy,” and also “dancing, yearning.” You could probably slip it on a sex playlist and nobody would notice, and frankly, we need an eight-minute version. Best line: “But tonight, there is no night or tomorrow night / Or any future night / ’Cause you’re only in my yesternight of nights.”

7) “The Medium Time” Sara Bareilles wrote the Girls5eva’s season-three finale hit song, which is about being inspired not to aim for immense fame, but a reasonable, medium level of attention. Bareilles is so good at selling the earnest, heartfelt feeling behind the song that you may forget that the wise man who told her this advice, in the universe of the show, was actually Richard Kind. Best line: “The middle is the riddle of it all, and the medium time is just fine for now.”

6) “Dream Girlfriends” The satire of Girls5eva cuts deepest here, in this song from their original run about all the ways they’d be willing to debase themselves to appeal to men. The list includes the fact that their dads are dead, that their moms are overtired so there’ll be no pushback, that they want to watch you play darts and love watching stand-up (but not by women). “Dream Girlfriends” cuts both ways, managing to make the men it’s supposed to appeal to sound pathetic as well. The girls are short so they don’t know you’re bald! Best line: “Tell me again why Tarantino’s a genius.”

5) “Bend Not Break” Near the end of season two, the women of Girls5eva realize their best song is actually about Gloria’s knee surgery. Metaphorically, it’s really about how they have to learn to compromise and acknowledge each other’s weaknesses to support their success, but there is also literally a joke about how she uses a cane. Anyway, it’s got a groove that’s hard to shake and does really make you want to dance (carefully, in a way that doesn’t risk further knee injury). Best line: “We got our secret weapon already, and it’s got eight legs, four smiles, and a cane.”

4) “Famous 5eva” Perhaps the best theme song in the vast universe of television today, here Girls5eva embraces the joys of counting by promising they’ll be famous 5eva — ’cuz 4eva’s too short. Those synths have an addictive crunch, and there’s something about the way they describe the series of cars they’re driving in (first a Lexus, then a Mercedes and then a Maserati) that’s gleefully ridiculous. The show has to make you believe the girls really are talented, and that there’s something joyful about watching them perform. This does both. Best line: “We’re Girls5eva, could we get a high SIX?”

3) “B.P.E.” Put your hands together for a “We Are the Champions”–style celebration of big pussy energy. Girl5eva’s absurdist answer to “WAP” celebrates their “Vitamin P” with some gospel-choir-esque harmonies. And the remix, which outdoes the original, adds in some church bells to heighten the energy. It will make you tap into whatever B.P.E. you have of your own. Best line: “Square feet, I’m going for miles, upgrade, taking up the aisles, open up those classified files from the Department of Treasury.”

2) “New York Lonely Boy” The best of the Girls5eva songs in terms of straight joke-writing, “New York Lonely Boy” applies a Simon and Garfunkel sensibility to the tales of hyperarticulate soft boys who know too much about mixing plaids and the dangers of restaurants on the corner (they just try too hard). Its comedy is sort of tangential from Girls5eva’s overall focus on the music industry, but it’s so perfectly realized that it doesn’t matter. Any show that can deliver such a specific encapsulation of a type — to the extent that I now think of various former St. Anne’s students who’ve became indie celebrities (okay, just Lucas Hedges) as New York Lonely Boys — deserves to run forever. Best line: “His playground is the lobby, has a palate for wasabi.”

1) “Four Stars” If “Famous 5eva” had to establish Girls5eva as it was, then “Four Stars” has to do the work of making you believe the second iteration of the group has come into its own. It does this delightfully well, with an anthem about embracing your imperfections that includes plenty of tossed-off jokes from each of the band members. (I’m particularly fond of “women are an ocean of secrets!”) Plus there’s something great about the harmonies of everyone singing “four stars” together. I have put this on exercise playlists, and it works! Best line: “The best things in life are free, that’s why rich people never carry wallets.”

[crazyassmurdererwall]

tagged by @cinematicnomad to post 7 comfort movies. (i would like you to know i struggle with lists like this because my autistic brain very much wants me to be AS PRECISE AS POSSIBLE and i only learned very recently that neurotypical people don’t worry about that?? they just…answer without worrying if they’re picking their top 7 comfort movies?? they just…pick 7 movies and move on with their life?? wild.)

1. spotlight. kat and i have this one in common, and for good reason - it’s just so. damn. satisfying. people who do bad things get called out on their bad stuff and people who had been ignored get heard. it’s (in my opinion) one of the most re-watchable dramas out there. and man…such a good cast.

2. howl’s moving castle. look, probably most of the studio ghibli movies could make this list, but howl is the one i turn to the most because the whimsical, fun, warm vibes of this movie feel like a HUG. the growth of all of the characters makes me smile and you just want to FALL into this movie. i absolutely want to take a walk through some hills and find myself at the door of a wacky castle with a super hot wizard, thanks very much.

3. major league. i asked my younger brother once how many times we’ve seen this movie and he laughed and said, “oh man…at least a couple dozen.” you have to understand this movie is a solid piece of the foundation of my childhood. we only had the basic stations when i was a kid and this movie was on on saturday afternoons constantly. CONSTANTLY. i can probably quote the entire thing from memory. there’s something about a baseball movie that always makes me feel like i’m living in an endless summer afternoon, like i have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do. it’s an unsurpassed vibe: just baseball and a warm afternoon that never ends.

4. 10 things i hate about you. another endlessly quotable movie - and one i share with my sister. also our dad loves it - and quotes it to me too. there isn’t a lot to say for this one other than sometimes a movie comes along and it’s just yours, you know? this is one of mine. when my sister had her oldest child i bought her a tiny red izod polo shirt and she immediately asked, “did you buy this from an outlet mall?” YES. I ABSOLUTELY DID AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER RO BE YOUR SISTER THAN IN THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW.

5. rudy. if there’s something i think everyone needs to know about me, it’s this: i love inspirational sports movies. LOVE THEM. absolutely cannot get enough. do i know exactly what the filmmaker is doing to me every time i hear sweeping music and someone starts running in slo-mo? oh yeah. abso-fucking-lutely. do i care? not the smallest bit. in fact i lean into that shit. rudy is one of the best ones and it also gets extra bonus points because for a long time it was the only movie i ever cried at. that’s not hyperbole. people would refuse to watch it with me because i’d always be reduced to a blubbering mess by the end. HE’S SO LITTLE. AND THEY CARRY HIM OFF THE FIELD. give me a break. i’m not made of stone.

6. steel magnolias. the hallmarks of this list are a) i have watched this movie at least a dozen times, b) this movie has a VIBE, and c) this movie is insanely quotable. this movie passes all three with flying colors. the cast is absolutely stellar, and this community of women who love and support each other is just…THE ACTUAL BEST. but also: it has dolly. DOLLY. “what size shoe do you wear?” “well, i wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, i buy a size eight.” perfection. PERFECTION.

7. ocean’s eleven. you know how i love an inspirational sports movie? I LOVE A HEIST MOVIE. like LOVE. the whole genre is smart and fun, and ocean’s eleven is also stylish and funny and just a fantastic fucking time. it has an insane cast and a great soundtrack and it’s just so GOOD. so so good. it’s a film told with a wink that manages to carry the best part of 50s/60s swag into the 00s, and we are all the better for it.

i tag: @tattooedsiren, @machtaholic, @smowkie , @itsactuallycorrine , @caroandcats , @elisela , and @missanniewhimsy and whoever else wants to do this. it’s a fun one.

[pluralsword]

Compiled a list of all the different scoped weapons we’ve seen Arcee use in canon, for reasons, does anybody have any to add? It’s really interesting how vastly different the designs are. Side-mounts, holosight-esque, and whatever the scrap is going on with Earthspark Arcee’s snub-scope. An image of her from WFC the videogame with any of the scoped guns would also be appreciated (or really anything of her from any of the videogames with a scoped weapon)

Close up of images in order of appearance below

IDW1/IDW2005 Arcee (in 2012, three full body reformats so far on her gender journey, currently with a cybertronian car alt-mode) with side-mount stock over shoulder two-hand rifle in Robots in Disguise #9, “Night and the City.”

Same Arcee (2013) with a massive over the shoulder missile launcher or cannon, in Robots in Disguise #23, Dark Cybertron #3, “Winners and Losers.” Honestly this thing may have a scope but it sure seems like she’s eyeballing until she has the go ahead to fire. This weapon is called the Superior Cannon in Wave 2 (2019) of the now canceled Transformers Trading Card Game by Wizards of the Coast.

Forged to Fight Arcee (present in the game at launch in 2017, basically T30 Generations Arcee but lankier with long arms) kneeling to fire her stock mounted round scope blue sniper rifle with a side mounted red laser sight as part of her special attack. The front of the barrel lights up blue when it fires... and what is actually fired is a metal bullet! A nice surprise from a G1-stylized character. Image sourced from this video.

IDW1/IDW2005 Arcee (2018, now five full body reformats so far on her gender journey, currently with an earth car alt-mode that was inspired by the Lotus Elite, this is the form she has at the end of the series we will go off about this some other time) with a fold-up/modular designated marksbot rifle looking gun with a squarish digital sight, in Unicron #2, “Stranger Eons.” It’s funny, we never see her IDW1 iteration shoot any of these three, but we do see her shoot her guns with only iron sights or none at all iirc? IDW2 on the other hand we’ll talk about in a bit, but first, Cyberverse Arcee!

Cyberverse Arcee (in 2020) in Cyberverse Season 3 Episode 13 “The Judge” readying a very large blaster with a drum ammunition barrel (when she isn’t shooting her blaster pistols or in melee, shooting a gun with a drum barrel seems to be her thing, specifically, very large guns, usually minigun/autocannon/rotary cannon sort of deal) that has a sloped forend and ridges under the front of the gun barrel, and either has a narrow scope or ?ammo counter?/probably a scope above the ammo barrel. (remembered her shooting this thanks to @arceespinkgun​ ‘s post of gifs of Shadow Striker and Arcee fighting together in this episode after seeing the G1 images they reblogged this post with, thank you!!) She also never uses the scope when she shoots the thing in her exuberant battle delight, unlike somebody...

IDW2/IDW2019 Arcee (2021, notes on reformats later)*, has a cybertronian look the whole series), aiming her blocky anti-armor rifle while crouching, the scope is kind of holosight-like, in Transformers #35, “Lord of Misrule: Sea of Rust II”. She shoots this thing several times in the series and gosh you don’t want to get hit by the brief beam of plasma that cuts through a Seeker like butter when she pulls the trigger. RE reformats: possibly one, twice if she did off-screen before series start for trans reasons? like she had a look more like Earthrise Arcee at the beginning mixed with IDW1 but then they went for the An Arcee Sort of Day look that is basically a WFC Chromia/Nightbird retool with outer armor of the backpack made into back stacks instead after Galaxies was over, maybe because she joined the Autobots and wanted to change her look or literally armor up, or the artists just felt like it, we don’t know but would like to know. In any case her alt mode went from a sci-fi convertible to an armored fighting car look. (which we are the only person we know of with a custom or toy of at all so far as of early 2023)

Then from this promotional image from Nickelodeon we have Earthspark Arcee (2023) smiling while one-handing a giant aft pistol that’s all rounded and curved with a TAIL FIN SCOPE in a way that looks like her G1 car mode she doesn’t have since she has a muscle car mode instead. Okay dear you’re cool as frag for having a gun that looks like the alt mode you don’t have while you rock the boxier one you have instead. I’m so trans that I can hold a version of my old body in my hand and shoot it. Like okay we’re just waiting for her to say she’s trans now right that’s the consensus- anyway about the scope:

HOW DOES SHE AIM DOWN THAT SCOPE. IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS. LIKE WHAT IS HAPPENING? Like this goes past what her IDW2 rifle’s scope does which lets her comfortably lean her head down a little while resting the gun against her neck guard armor- but this is like, plonking your head down to aim forward unless... unless she eyeballs the scope itself or links up with it via her hand. Which she could. Would not put past sage in martial arts, ethics, and bullshitting Earthspark Arcee to have a weapon that defies expectations while showing her history in the palm of her hand. Gods why do we feel like crying over this promo image, anyway that’s a wrap on this until y’all send us more images.

Also we found the gun thanks to @fancyrobotenthusiast​ ‘s post of the image and then we did a reverse google image search while we started compiling the other images finding that inspired, so thank you, you by chance gave our trans brain something to do for a few hours that has made us very happy after

[disgruntled-writer]

By now, we’ve probably all seen that one post about wizards understanding technology as magic and magic as technology. I humbly disagree. In fact, I think that by equating the two your loose nuance and the reason both are awesome.

First, I’d like to set up what I suspect to be the source of that idea. Arthur C. Clarke came up with three “laws,” that describe his chosen genre of science fiction. The third is what we are concerned with: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” All three of these laws are more writing advice or trope than fact, but this one caught on, keep that in mind.

So, as for the post, which I will try and find and reblog to this blog ASAP, it irks me in two ways. The first is that it fundamentally misunderstands the idea of arcane knowledge. Specifically, it implies the premise of wizards knowing why magic works. Arcane knowledge is arcane knowledge because you know that if you do X, Y happens, but you don’t know the underlying mechanisms or why that input delivers that output. That’s what makes magic magic.

Without that level of obfuscation, it just becomes science. A known fundamental law of the universe. That isn’t to say that it can’t be in the process of being explored or even understood in the broad strokes, but if you can extremely accurately predict future interactions, you’ve made scientific theory. You can also have a lot of understanding of what inputs lead to what outputs; everyone on your block can know mage hand without knowing why it works.

Now, specifically I am referring to on a societal level, not a personal perspective. As at that level most modern technology is arcane to most of us. You know that when you perform a series of inputs, you get an output. Which is to say, this technology, which is sufficiently advanced, is, to the individual a matter of magic, of the arcane. But, it’s obviously not magic; the sum of human knowledge entirely contains how a phone works.

This brings us back to Arthur C. Clarke. The reason his third law exists as writing advice, at least to me is that it’s simply good advice. When writing science fiction, you’re not trying to predict or justify some future technology, you’re trying to explore its consequences and ramifications. To quote Frederik Pohl, “A good science fiction story should be able to predict not the automobile but the traffic jam.” The tech and its functionality is pre-supposed.

But, it’s importantly, just a good observation. From a personal perspective, which is what most stories are built for, you don’t need to know how a Time Machine, a Smartphone, or a Fireball works to understand what actually matters. How do you control the Time Machine? How do you use a Smartphone? How do you cast Fireball? What do they do?

TLDR: a Wizard shouldn’t be able to precisely and accurately explain how a set of motions and noises makes a fireball, but an Electrical Engineer could explain how clap-on clap-off lights work, down to the molecular level.

Now, the section where I give obligatory writing advice.

The first is that magic is as good a tool for Sci-Fi as the warp drive is. Too few fantasy settings really sit down and think about the consequences of there being a non-insignificant portion of the population capable of blowing your house up. Going into that can make an interesting story in of itself.

To those who want to write Sci-Fi, don’t try to waste your words and your reader’s attention on explaining the mechanics any more than you have to. We don’t care about WHY the FTL engine works, we care about what it does. I’ll probably have more when I inevitably talk about Technobabble.

Regardless, thank you for reading this far, have a good day, and may you write at the speed (but not quality) of a coked-up Steven King.

[mitsuki-komori]

Your Bakery Event Sounds Fun! ✨💖😇 Can I Get Astelle Vanilla Cake With Raspberry Sauce For Fake Dating? 😍 And some Cornbread (For Asta To Say) Too? 💘 Please And Thanks!!! 😭💖😘

“Ah, our precious Yuno has returned! Welcome back! Have you gotten yourself a girlfriend yet?” 

“Father, please…” Yuno sighed in an immeasurable disappointment.

Asta had brought along Noelle to visit Hage with Yuno, like always Father was more interested in speaking to Yuno.

“Oh come on! You’re the only one with the chance at getting one!” Father sulks, Yuno shook his head.

“I’m not interested in a relationship…”

Asta takes a moment to process Father’s words. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?!”

Noelle awkwardly stands behind Asta as the three bicker.

Father shook his head with a slightly guilty expression. “I’m sorry Asta, but the chances of you getting a girlfriend before Yuno is about 0%” Father replies as if the answer was as simple as that. The nerve!

Asta out on his angry face and then an idea sprang into his head, one that he wouldn’t even take the time to think about. “We’ll actually, this is my girlfriend!” Asta places his hand on Noelle’s shoulder.

The look on her face was utter shock and confusion. It got more and more red. “Wha…?!” In her mind it was just… ‘WHAT?! GIRLFRIEND?! WHEN?! ME?! DID I JUST HEAR THAT CORRECTLY?!”

Yuno scoffed and tried his best to surpress a laugh. Father’s face was just completely frozen in shock. He looked like a stone statue… “You… Your girlfriend?! With Noelle? Really? When did you two get together? How did it happen?!”

“W-Well… uh…” Asta realized what he had done when it was already too late.

“We uh… We started dating a few weeks ago… He kinda just let it slip out, so… We decided to get together…” Noelle stuttered out. After all Asta has done for her, this was the least she could do… Only because of that! Plus, the way this Father was treating Asta really made her irritated.

“That sounds like our Asta alright… Oh, Asta’s all grown up now! Good job, I’m so happy… uh, for you…” Father pats Asta on the back, Asta spots Yuno’s face and gives him a look. 

“I’m not helping you with this.” Yuno whispers. Asta has gotten himself in… a situation.

Father didn’t catch the exchange as the only thing going through his mind was: ‘Asta has such a pretty girlfriend, and she’s rich too! Oh, I’m so proud!’

“Wow, is that so? I wouldn’t have seen this coming!” Sister Lily walks up to them, and it seems that she had seen the whole thing.

“Sister Lily?” Asta gasped. It wasn’t as if he minded it because he liked her, because he was over Sister Lily, it was just kind of embarrassing knowing that the truth would have to come out eventually…

“It’s great to see you again, Noelle! So you and Asta are dating now? I’m so happy for the both of you, I can tell you two are great for each other.” 

Noelle nodded and took an awkward deep breath. “T-Thank you! We’ve been thinking of… how to tell you guys…!” 

Noelle wasn’t a good liar, but if it was an arrogant Father and little children, she could probably get away with it. Sister Lily was the one to worry about, but Noelle knew even if Sister Lily had figured it out she wouldn’t call them out.

“Woah, Asta with a girlfriend?! Did you guys hear that!?” The children came flocking out of the church’s doors. Did everyone just have the best hearing ever or was Asta going insane?

“Wow, Noelle’s so pretty!” Aruru and Hollo immediately surround Noelle as if she was a magnet.

Recca gave Asta a look that basically told to not mess it up. “You are one lucky guy, Asta. Its honestly a miracle you got one before Yuno.”

“I’ll still be the Wizard king though.” Yuno chimes in. 

“No, I’m gonna be the Wizard King!” Asta shoots at Yuno.

They begin to bicker back and forth as usual.

“Hey… Are you really dating Asta?” Nash asks Noelle with a dead serious expression.

“Uh, yeah…”

Nash stares at Noelle for a few moment. “Alright… I don’t understand why you’d want to be with him of all people, but make sure you treat him well…” Nash attempts to add a pinch of intimidation in his voice, but it came out more shy. Not to mention is height probably didn’t help.

“I will-“ Noelle gets completely cut off by a very obnoxious voice.

“YUNO, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW!” Noelle snaps their head in their direction and sighs with annoyance. It’s a mystery how someone like Sister Lily was able to deal with all 7 of these immature humans.

“You should join us for dinner, Noelle.” Sister Lily says with a smile. Noelle ponders whether or not it would be a good idea. Seeing as how she came all this way AND that she is apparently Asta’s girlfriend now, she might as well.

“Yeah, sure…”

Dinner was stressful. Asta and Noelle were sitting next to each other and questions just kept coming at them one after the other, and Yuno’s amusement was not helping whatsoever. It was getting more overwhelming than the dryness in her mouth.

She stood up and began to walk out of the room causing a short silence.

“Noelle? Where are you going?” Aruru asks, slightly confused and sad. “Do you have to leave?”

“I’m just stepping out for a few moments, I’ll be back soon.” She replies, surpassing her exhaustion. As soon as she’s outside, she slumps down onto one of the steps.

This was certainly now how she expected to get to the girlfriend topic with Asta.

“Noelle? Are you ok?” A voice comes closer from behind. Asta sits down beside Noelle. “I’m sorry about this…”

“It’s fine. That guy was irritating me anyway. It’s my duty as royalty to humble such ignorance!” Noelle flips her hair behind her shoulder.

“Yeah, thank you for gong along… It’s just that hearing Father say things like that really gets on my nerves… He’s always put me under Yuno, so I just wanted to be on top for once…”

Noelle nodded. “Yeah, I get it. I know how you feel. I don’t even get what he sees in that Yuno guy, you’re much better than him.”

“Ha, thanks.”

Noelle looks at Asta and tilts her head. “There’s still a lot of time to get stronger, you’ll definitely become the Wizard King.”

Asta nods, “That’s right! But… Are we gonna tell them the truth?” His voice gets a bit quieter.

Noelle thinks for a moment. “We can keep it up a bit longer.”

“Really? Thanks, Noelle… Oh gosh, what if they tell us to kiss?! I mean, I’d totally kiss you if you asked…! But uh-“

“What?!” Her face flushed and she sit up straight.

“Sorry, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable! Sometimes things just like to come out of my mouth.” Asta scratched the back of his neck.

Noelle turns away, “Whatever! Stupidsta!”

Asta smiles and rests his chin on his hand. ‘Noelle’s so amazing…’

[laiqualaurelote]

(this is a bit belated but I have been In The Countryside all weekend with next to no Internet - anyway! I was a guest reccer for @thereccenter last week. I've been the beneficiary of many kind recs in this newsletter and wanted to pass it on, so I made a list of my favourite heist AUs. I am thrilled it has appeared in the same edition as Michelle Yeoh's Oscar win.)

Laiqualaurelote adores AUs and crossovers, often incredibly niche ones. She is the author of the Ted Lasso heist AU “they will see us waving from such great heists” and can be found on Tumblr here.

Someone once described heist fic to me as the Little Black Dress of AUs—it’ll go with anything, provided you can pull it off. The joy of the heist AU lies in how it deploys its tropes—it’s delightful to see an ensemble you love cast in the archetypes of the heist crew: the Mastermind, the Grifter, the Hacker, the Hitter, the Thief, the Driver, the Forger, the Person Who Blows Stuff Up, etc. (All the better if this unfolds in a Recruitment Montage.) Most heist AUs riff off Ocean’s Eleven and/or Leverage, but the good ones are especially ingenious in how they adapt the cons to fit the fandom and manage to keep the reader guessing till the final sleight of hand. Heist heist baby!

(General content warning for criminality)

“Rose’s Eleven” by leupagus (@leupagus). 50K words, rated Explicit. Fandom: Schitt’s Creek; Ships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Ted Mullens/Alexis Rose Backstory: Schitt’s Creek is a show about a wealthy family losing all their money and being forced to relocate to a small town they once bought as a joke. (I have never actually seen it, which is how good this AU is.) In this fic, David Rose, released on parole, assembles a team to rob the Met Gala as vengeance against the man who got him sent to prison, Sebastien Raine—who seems to be dating David’s ex-husband Patrick. Rec: This AU appears at first to be your standard Ocean’s Eleven dynamic combined with an Ocean’s Eight plot, but there’s a lot more going on. I was bowled over by the complexity of the heist, with its double-crosses and triple-crosses. Love the criminals who are also working mothers. Content warnings: N/A

“The Kansas City Shuffle Job” by arboreal_overlords (@peri-hellion). 45K words, rated Teen. Fandom: The Magnus Archives; Ships: Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker, Basira Hussain/Alice “Daisy” Tonner Backstory: The Magnus Archives is a horror podcast in which fear entities manifest in the world through human avatars, who are granted eldritch powers. In this Leverage-based AU, the characters still have their avatar powers, only they use them for crime. Jon, who left the Magnus Institute after his assistant Sasha was murdered in a conspiracy involving his boss, is hired to lead a heist team comprising hitter Daisy, hacker Melanie and thief Tim. When they are double-crossed, they have to bring on board the best con man in England, Martin. Rec: Wonderful reimagining of the Magnus universe as a criminal underworld, with an intricately plotted heist and character studies carefully woven into the cons. “Let’s go steal an Institute!” Content warnings: Canonical character death, some canon-typical suicidal ideation

“Three Card Monte” by enjambament (@enjambament). 14K words, rated Teen. Fandom: Harry Potter; Ships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Caradoc Dearborn/Fabian Prewett, Lily Evans/James Potter Backstory: In this non-wizarding Marauders AU, Sirius gets out of prison and looks up Remus with a plan to rob the casino at Hotel Voldemort and steal...a piano. Rec: A clever, compact Oceans-esque heist with fun twists on canon, from grizzled hacker Mad-Eye Moody to young thief Tonks, still learning to grift on the job. Content warnings: Mention of past abusive relationship

“The Casterly Rock Job” by Netgirl_Y2K (@netgirl-y2k). 3.2K words, rated Teen. Fandom: Game of Thrones; Ship: Yara Greyjoy/Daenerys Targaryen Backstory: Daenerys’ plan to steal the Lannisters’ dirty little secrets for their business rival Olenna Tyrell involves enlisting Arya’s burglary skills, Margaery’s knack for seduction and Yara’s speedboat driving. Rec: Love an all-women heist crew! Criminal mastermind Dany has a delightful swagger, seen through the eyes of hard-bitten mobster’s daughter Yara.  Content warnings: N/A

“i don’t need a parachute (if i’ve got you)” by thewestwinged (@aberfaeth). 6K words, rated Teen. Fandom: The Locked Tomb; Ship: Gen, Camilla Hect & Palamedes Sextus Backstory: Thief Camilla teams up with the hacker known as The Warden to one-up his mother, the legendary grifter Juno Zeta, Who Met God And Convinced Him She Was One Of His Angels And Then, Ostensibly, Stole A Lot Of Money From Him. Rec: Spot-on voices for Camilla “hides a taser in a fake gun” Hect and Palamedes “uploads erotica onto Elon Musk’s website” Sextus. I would watch an entire series of Cam & Pal Commit Crimes. Content warnings: N/A

“Provenance” by rageprufrock (@rageprufrock). 20K words, rated Teen. Fandom: Inception; Ships: Arthur/Eames, Dominic Cobb/Mallorie Miles Backstory: Inception is technically canonically about a heist, but in this AU there is no dream technology and it’s about art theft instead. The theft of a Raphael painting from the National Gallery reunites Interpol agent Dom, insurance company representative Arthur, and the painting’s owner Eames, who may or may not have stolen it himself. Rec: Brilliant, funny, unusual in that it follows neither the Ocean’s Eleven nor Leverage moulds but strikes out on its own. The long-suffering hapless POV of Dom Cobb, usually a hugely unedifying character, is priceless. Content warnings: N/A

[waywardstraysau]

Their first class of the day was a basic, introductory lesson about the school itself, how it operated and the vocabulary they were likely to hear. Ford was excitedly waiting for them, with a massive smartboard behind him and some notes already written on it. He greeted them brightly, and gestured for them to sit at any of the half dozen desks in the small classroom. He explained that while this had been intended to be a formalized class for the entire student body, it eventually had to be cut down due to how little they actually knew. Now it was only held maybe once a month to inform the students of any new discoveries or breakthroughs regarding other worlds and traveling to them. The field was in its infancy, they had many more theories than actual facts.

Hunter was staring at the smartboard before them, his eyes wide at the strange device, Luz meanwhile was impressed the school had one at all. She had heard of more well off schools using them and even seen a few being sold online, but this was her first time seeing one in real life. King had taken a break from trying to lift every small nearby object with his new psychic spikes and leaned in to pay attention. “Now, this is a crash course lesson,” Ford explained, “There’s a few basic facts that you need to know that’ll make things easier while you’re here.” “Like… rules?” Hunter asked, the tiniest bit of enthusiasm in his voice. “Well, those too, but the main thing you’re going to learn is some of the terminology we use here in regards to the various worlds we’ve discovered. It’s mostly category titles to simplify things when we talk about them, as well as a few others you’ll need to know.” The teenage boy scowled but Luz leaned in, curious as to where this was going. “The first one is the easiest and most straightforward: “Door”.” “...I’m sorry, ''Door”? Is that what you said?” Luz questioned, her face slightly scrunched up. “Yes, it’s an umbrella term for all the ways in and out of the other worlds. The students have more specific names for them like “Ghost Portal” or “Little Door” and so on, but they just lead to one specific world and that’s it. Using “Doors” to cover it all helps keep things a bit easier in the long run.” “Huh… that… actually makes sense. Are they all door-shaped, the one Eda used to travel back and forth between the Boiling Isles and the Human Realm literally was one.” “Oh no, those actually are quite rare. Most look like swirling vortexes, some look like glowing magic water, so forth and so on, you get the jist.” Ford was happy to see the three of them were now leaning in, Hunter’s eyes were wide and shining, Luz was taking notes in her phone and King’s tail was wagging, almost like he was listening to a good story. “Now, the next term is “the Great Compass” though the Compass itself doesn’t come up too often. It’s the four, quote unquote, “directions” that are important.” He pointed to a drawing of a basic graph. “When I first started my research into other worlds, I found they landed somewhere within four “directions” as it were. However, as my understanding grew, I came to the realization that it had nothing to do with actual coordinates and that it was more a set of rules or patterns that the worlds would follow. As such, I chose to keep the terms to keep the understanding simple, even if they aren’t exactly accurate. Follow so far?” They nodded. “Good. Now, the four directions are Nonsense, Logic, Virtue, and Wicked and they’re exactly what they sound like. Nonsense worlds tend to work within their own sets of rules, for example, Luz, have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?” “Of course I have,” she nodded, “I mean, it’s been a while but I have seen it.” “That is a perfect example of a Nonsense world. Logic worlds meanwhile are more based in scientific reasoning, like… think of black and white horror movies, Dracula, Franknstien, the Wolfman, their science may not work here but those worlds rely on it all the same.” “...okay, I see what you mean,” she rubbed her chin, and the gears in her mind were spinning. “...I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hunter droned, looking utterly deadpan. “Yeah, I think we’re missing something here!” King snapped. “Don’t worry guys, I’ll show you those movies later,” she offered with a warm smile. “Thank you Luz, that will be a big help,” Ford smiled, “Now, the last two, Virtue and Wicked, can be a bit misleading. It doesn’t mean that the worlds are inherently bad or good, but more like a utopia vs an apocalypse. From the ones we’ve been able to properly explore and document, there tends to be a pattern of Nonsense and Virtue overlapping regularly, while Logic and Wicked do the same. However there are always exceptions to the rules. You all met Coraline yesterday, the world she went to was Average Nonsense and Very High Wicked, to the point she’s lucky to have escaped with her life.” “...it was that bad?” there was a twinge of worry in Luz’s voice. “Yes. If you want, you can ask her yourself.” “Follow up question!” Hunter said quickly, “Is the threat from that world able to come here?” “Oh no, the actions she took following her little adventure ensured no one would ever be able to enter that world again. Oh, and while we’re at it, it’s common courtesy here not to tell new students about someone else’s world unless they've given their express permission. Personal business and so on.” “That makes sense,” Luz said softly, and began to consider if she’d do the same, “Is there anything else?”

“There are a few more things, yes. There are some lesser directions on the compass, ones that can appear, but don’t always. The four I listed are constants and every world falls somewhere between them. These lesser directions include Whimsy, Rhyme, Linearity, Reason and a few we have yet to name. Now, the last big bit of information is Vitus vs Mortis.” “What and what now?!” “Oh this is a fascinating one! Whether or not the residents are among the living or the dead! It also relates to if the world and/or land itself has something significant to do with the dead!” The teenagers paused and looked at each other, now both of their brains were buzzing with ideas from this information.

“That leads me to this next question,” Ford said with a smile, “If you had to decide, where on the Compass would you kids place the Boiling Isles?”

“Wait, you’ve been there,” Hunter explained, “Shouldn’t you already know that?”

“I was only there for a short time, my boy,” he sighed, “And it was long before I came up with this system. As such, I can’t trust my own experience to be accurate, plus it helps to get our students’ opinions on it. They may have experienced something or seen things in a perspective we might not have considered. Let’s start with uh… King! King, what are your thoughts?”

“I ‘unno,” the young demon shrugged, “It’s all I ever knew, I never thought about this kinda stuff before. It just was what it was, ya know?”

“I see. Luz, Hunter, your thoughts?”

“Well it’s obvious isn’t it?” the young witch answered with a confident smirk, “Logic and Virtue, oh and Vitus. I mean, it might have been different during the Savage Ages, wait, could a world even change its alignment like that? If there was a significant enough change maybe? Anyway, as I was say-”

“Whoa there! Thank you Hunter, I appreciate your enthusiasm and you can go into more detail in a moment,” Ford smiled, “But I'd like to hear Luz’s opinion as well.”

He grunted but conceded as he shot a sharp look at Luz, who looked uncomfortable, almost cringing as she answered.

“I uh… kinda have to go the other way around. Nonsense, Wicked and Mortis.”

“What?! Are you crazy?!” Hunter snapped and standing up from his desk.

“Well I-“

“Now now, we can discuss this like adults,” the scientist interrupted, “Hunter, explain your reasoning please.”

“Hmph! Well for one, Logic because Belos created the Coven System and brought order to magic. Virtue because the Coven System was given to us by the Titan and made everything better! And Vitus because everyone is alive back home.”

Ford paused for a second before taking out a notepad and made a note, “Mhm… Luz, your thoughts?”

“Well… Nonsense because a lot of the stuff there is like something from a twisted kid’s book, ya know, the fairies, boiling rain, you get the idea. Wicked because the boiling sea isn’t exactly safe, there are giant monsters and people can do terrible things with their magic if they wanted to. As for the Mortis thing… well, it also ties into the Nonsense thing but uh… the entire Isle is a giant dead body that everybody lives on and demons spawned from.”

“How is that Nonsense?! It makes perfect sense!”

“Now now you two,” they were interrupted by Ford as he furiously scribbled down some more notes, “Both of you have brought up some excellent points. We undoubtedly need more data on this, but so far it seems that the Boiling Isles is a unique outlier that could be very close to the center of the Great Compass’s alignment. I’d theorized that such worlds existed but would be understandably rare. We can discuss it more later in some one-on-one sessions if you like, but for now, you should probably get going, otherwise you might be late to your next class.”

They didn’t look particularly happy but they didn’t argue either. As they left, Luz stopped and looked back.

“Hey Ford… where do you think this world is on the Compass thingy?”

“Hm? Oh, I’d have to say it has a firm foothold in both Wicked and Logic.”

“…you’re sure about that? I mean the Logic part makes sense but the Wicked thing?”

Ford just gave her a look, it wasn’t stern or angry, but more like acceptance tinged with something else. It wasn’t sadness, but it was anything good or happy.

“Luz… If our history as a species has taught me anything, it’s that good and bad can exist side by side… but if you let wolves and sheep into the same pasture, you’ll soon end up with nothing but wolves. Does that make sense?”

“…yeah, unfortunately… and I know it’s just a metaphor but I like wolves.”

“I know, they’re good creatures but it was the best example I had. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear.” She just quietly nodded and the trio headed to their next class. Like she had expected, the students were broken up into two groups, split between the older and younger age groups. Strickler had barely suggested King join the younger kids before the little demon loudly protested the idea and clung to Luz like his life depended on it. The man just gave a small smile and said he could join the older students for a few days until he was comfortable enough to join his age group. Remembering what Teodora said about siblings coming to the school, she had a gut feeling that he had had this conversation many times before. Compared to a crash course on inter-world travel and categorization, a regular math class was weirdly disappointing. Well, except for the fact that Krel was the one teaching it. She noticed that Hunter’s eyes lit up as he wrote down the questions from the board, a noticeable smile on his face. Who knew he liked mathematics so much? Luz herself didn’t care about the subject either way, she had applied it to the real world a few times, both with her art and magic. What she didn’t like was the overly rigid way it was taught, with no chance to explore other ways to solve a problem, just use the one specific method the school wanted you to and hope you got it right. To her great relief, Krel didn’t seem to care about “Core Curriculum Nonsense” as he put it and allowed them to find answers on their own. He didn’t hesitate to help, and was very quick to catch errors. The only time that seemed to change was when he glanced at Jack’s paper, and they began to bicker about his process, and the rest of the class was dedicated to watching them argue. If that was what the school had in store, she began to wonder what their next class would entail. A Driver’s Ed class where the first lesson was learning how to hotwire a car was not what she had expected. Plus she was fourteen, she knew for a fact she and a good few others were way too young to be here. Most states didn’t let you start learning how to drive until you were fifteen and a half, and yet there she was. Jack Spicer and Grunkle Stan excitedly explained how to recognize the various wires under a dashboard, the best/safest way to cut them and what connecting them would do. This was followed with a short speech about escaping a car sinking in water, waiting until it was submerged when the water pressure was more equalized on the door and easier to get open. This was how they learned that while the school taught regular lessons, there was also a major focus on “what you might need on your adventures” as Stan put it. He emphasized this with a story about having to chew his way out of the trunk of a car when he was in his twenties. It was interrupted when Jack began to argue with Krel when the royal said something about adding alien technology to increase a car’s speed. The evil boy genius countered with a statement about using the bare minimum they would have on hand before it broke out into a full on fight. Nobody tried to stop them, watching two nerds roll around on the ground and mostly just yell weird expletives at each other was too much fun for the others to stop. Stan even pulled out a camera from seemingly nowhere and began recording, they only stopped when it was time for them to head to their next class. It was Social Studies with Mr Strickler and to everyone’s relief, the arguing teenagers were seated as far apart from each other as possible. He was clearly not putting up with their apparent feud. Luz was excited for this class, she liked history, finding out how the world got to where it was now, the whos, the wheres whats and whys. The man was good at it too, the way he spoke was almost like a storyteller, captivating and enwrapping. The lesson was focused on the early days of the American Revolution, particularly the Boston Massacre and how tensions between the British soldiers and the civilians had reached a boiling point. The lesson was halfway over when she stole a glance towards King and Hunter, the former slumped over in her lap as he napped, the latter looking utterly lost and confused but trying his best to follow along. It struck her that neither of them knew anything about human history, she was going to have to help tutor them and get them caught up. Strickler apparently had the same idea, because as class ended, he approached. “Hunter, may I speak with you a moment?” “Yes, what is it?” the witch asked, the tiniest twinge of frustration apparent on his features. “It occurred to me that due to you being from another world, you have little to no knowledge about our world’s history, is that correct?” “Yeah, what of it?” “Well, you are at a serious disadvantage in my class, so I would like to assign you a tutor to help you gain a more equal footing with your peers.” “And you aren’t giving this same generous offer to the rat?” he jabbed a thumb towards King, who was perched on Luz’s shoulder. “I’m not a rat!” “Young King is a child and will be joining the other elementary school aged students, the topics they cover are much more simple and don’t require the level of context or nuance you’ll be learning about. Frankly, if you don’t accept this help, you will be lost and quickly fall behind everyone else.” Hunter scrunched up his face, he probably wanted to say he didn’t need a tutor, that he could handle this on his own, but… something stopped him. There was a pause before he released a drawn out, “Fffffffffine.” “Excellent. Now then, Otto, could you come here please?” To their surprise, a small boy came out from behind a massive stack of books. He couldn’t have been more than eight and had a huge smile on his face. He was a pale child, with a small mop of red hair on his head, dressed in a dark blue t-shirt, darker shorts and red and white sneakers. He also had a huge pair of thick rimmed glass that took up half of his face and a dusting of freckles on his cheeks. “You needed me Mr Strickler?” he asked with a scratchy voice. “Otto, this is Hunter, he’s new to our world and needs to catch up on histor-” “Consider it done sir!” the little boy said excitedly before running up to Hunter, “Hi, I’m Otto Osworth, I’m gonna be your tutor!” “...you can’t be serious,” Hunter scowled at Strickler, “You want a kid to help me catch up with your class?!” “Rest assured, Otto may be young, but he is a prodigy,” Strickler said sternly and the young witch’s ears perked, “He is much more advanced than any other child his own age when it comes to history, it is why I teach him with the teenagers. He also has a true passion for the topic, to the point we had to limit how many books on the subject he can check out of the library. He’d never finish the rest of his homework otherwise.” “Hey! That was only one time!” the boy protested, “And it was the first time I got to read history books from this year!” “Wait, pause that for a second! What do you mean by that?” Luz interrupted, very confused, “Books from this year?” “Oh, that! I’m from the year 2001,” Otto smiled up at her. “Que?! You are?! But… wuh… Huh?!” “I seem to recall you were told some of our students are time travelers,” Strickler looked very amused at the simple explanation, and her eyes got huge. “I… I assumed that meant they would be from the future I-” “Well… I kinda am and kinda not,” Otto fiddled with his fingers awkwardly as he spoke, “I mean… I’m originally from 2001, but I was adopted by my dads and they’re from the year 3000.” “Wait, 3000?! That’s-“

“Yeah, I know,” the boy shrugged sheepishly.

“Wait… this kid is a time traveler?! For real?” King asked, “Now this is the kind of hot gossip we didn’t get back home!” “Oh! I’ve never seen something like you before!” the little boy squeaked as he stood on his toes to get a better look at the young demon, “What’s your name?” “I’m King Clawthorne, nice ta meet’cha Otto!”

“Back up a minute,” Luz requested, “If you’re from… uh… the future, then why are you attending school here? When… here? I… how do I even phrase this?!”

“Hehe, you got the right idea. As for why… well, this is the only school of its kind that’s even semi-close to the era I originally come from. My dads wanted me to be in a school in a time period I would be mostly familiar with, and this was the first one of its kind founded, ever!”

“...really?”

“Mhm, and honestly, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with Earth in the year 3000, we live on a satellite. I know for sure stuff like time travel is more well known by then, but I don’t know about the magic stuff or going to other worlds.”

“...they keep you on the satellite?”

“They have to, it’s for their jobs, they’re time cops. They make sure anomalies in the past don’t occur and set history off onto a different timeline, or they try to anyway, and they rarely get a day off. Usually by the time we get the mission, things have already started to change,” Otto then shuddered, “Have you ever heard Blackbeard, the pirate, make bad call whale noises because he got into that whole “save the whales” thing almost three hundred years before it was an actual movement?”

Luz placed a hand to her head, it felt like it was about to spin right off her neck!

“Okay… I… I just need a moment to… to process this.”

The boy smiled at her before turning to Hunter, “Anyway, just let me know the where and when, and I’ll be more than happy to help you with history lessons!”

The teenager just grunted and didn’t give an actual answer.

“Wait, what about magical history?” Luz piped up, “We don’t know anything about that, er, or Earth’s magical history anyway.”

“Rest assured, Blinky had prepared some reading materials for you to go over. Major historical events are less… condensed when it comes to magical creatures due to having longer lifespans. More time to plan things out, put things into motion, that sort of thing. There’s also the whole, “being sealed away for however long” thing that tends to happen a lot.”

“Really? That happens?”

“Yes, it does. Now, if I remember correctly, Blinky will be starting on a new section for today’s class. If it is about what I suspect it is, you won’t need much in the way of context to begin with.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well… it was a thousand years ago, there was a conflict between the trolls, those who wished to remain in hiding and those who wanted to take over the surface world.”

“...take over? What about the humans? And other magical creatures?”

“They planned to devour all of the humans they could find, and due to their strength and brutality, it would have been easy. I’m afraid I don’t know what the plan for the other magical creatures would have been… but whatever it was, it would have probably led to a full out war.”

The two teenagers found this deeply unsettling.

Their next class was Science, taught by Ford, who was far too happy to guide them through an experiment that had them making their own batteries. Next were Language Arts and Reading, both were taught by Maria, and Luz was stunned to learn the woman was begrudgingly teaching a play she disliked. The Tragedy of Titus Andronicus was considered the worst of Shakespeare’s plays, about a Roman general who loses everything, his few remaining children, his position, arguably his sanity, and all because he was the deciding voice in which of the emperor’s sons would take the throne. Luz counted herself lucky, for most of her classmates this was their first real introduction to the bard, she on the other hand had read the entirety of Romeo and Juliet. She had become enamored with the story when she was preparing for her audition for the school play, and could understand why it was his best work.

However she did laugh at the revelation that, of all things, his worst one had what might have been the very first Yo Mama jokes ever written.

After that was lunch, and Luz had to admit, she was relieved for the break, she was starving!

She glanced around the dining room before spotting her new friends, Titan that still got her giddy to think about, at a nearby table. She took a calming breath before walking over to join them.

“Hey guys,” she said, feeling a bit awkward as her stomach tied itself into knots.

“Hey man,” Jake smiled, looking up from a notebook he and Danny were going over.

“Uh, what’s that?” she sat down, putting hers and King’s meals on the table.

“Oh, we’re just going over some flying notes.”

“Flying?”

“Yeah, we’re both members of the Senior Flyers Club, we’re just goin’ over some ideas for the next meetin’.”

“Dang, that’s awesome! You know, I used to fly using my mentor’s magic staff.”

“Really?!”

“Uh-huh! It’s similar to what Hunter does with his.”

“Don’t lump me in with you,” the blonde groused as he stabbed at his salad.

“What do you even do in that club anyway?” King piped up, taking a big bite from a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“Eh, nothing major, helping each other learn to fly better, agility and basic tricks. Plus, challenging each other to improve. Some of the races can get kinda nuts, especially when we set up obstacle courses.”

Luz grinned, this sounds like it would have been a lot of fun! She wished Owlbert was here so she could join in, and Eda might have some advice on it too!

That’s when she noticed Randy, slumped over a large textbook, looking like he was asleep.

“Uh… is he…?”

She poked his head with the handle of her fork, only to yelp and jumped back when she saw his eyes were rolled back in his head, his jaw was slack and he was drooling all over the book!

“Is he dead?!” she exclaimed, now holding King and Hunter summoned his staff.

“Huh? Oh yeah, no, he’s just Shlooped,” Danny shrugged.

“...that isn’t a word!”

“It’s what he calls it when he goes into the book.”

“...wait, what?”

Jake lifted the taller boy’s head and pulled the book out from under him. He shook off some of the drool and closed it. It was twice the thickness of any textbook she had ever seen and bound in black leather. It had red rings on the cover, with dark gray symbols between, and in the center was a green gem cut into the shape of the ninja mask he had been wearing yesterday afternoon.

“It’s called the Ninja Nomicon, it’s a magic book that the line of ninjas he’s from recorded all their knowledge and techniques in. It lets him and others enter it, train in and who knows what else… but damn it gets trippy in there sometimes. Floating doodles stuff.”

“Wait… YOU CAN GO INTO THE BOOK?!” she reached across the table to try and grab it in her excitement.

“Whoa, easy there Luz-y! This thing is kinda-” the gem began to flash a hazardous green color, “Temperamental.”

“...it’s sentient?!”

Hunter had stopped eating and now had a similar expression to Luz’s, though considerably less wild. Danny was snickering as he watched this, a smile forming under his hand.

“Well… uh… kinda? Maybe? It isn’t clear? Look, all I know is this thing gets a say on things too! I joined Randy in there a few times, and the Nomicon only let me stay so long as we spar-”

“You’ve been in there?!”

“Maybe three or four times, and I had to ask the Nomicon for permission first! It wouldn’t open until I did!”

“...Nomicon, can we be friends please?” she squeaked, holding her hands together, almost like she was begging.

The gem stopped flashing, there was no clear answer there.

“I’m gonna take that as a maybe!”

Jake just winced before opening the book to a random page and slid it back under Randy’s head. As soon he made contact with the parchment, he shot back up, gasping as if he had stopped breathing while in the book.

“WHAT THE SHOOB DID YOU GUYS DO OUT HERE?! NOMICON WAS TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!”

“Luz wants to try and be buddies with it,” Danny answered.

“Frie-say WHAT?!”

“Personally, I think it would be more interesting to talk to it about how its magic works,” Hunter interrupted, leaning forward, “It could be a new way to learn faster and more efficiently!”

The book’s gem began to flash again.

“Yeah uh, Nomicon kinda only wants me to Shloob in there.”

“...that isn’t a word,” the witch stated flatly, all excitement gone from his voice. Luz giggled at the fact he repeated her word for word.

Randy just groaned, rolled his eyes and tucked the book into his messenger bag.

“Actually, there was something I kinda wanted to ask you guys about,” she added gingerly, “I keep hearing about the therapist the school has but we haven’t met them yet, or even know where their office is. Do you think you could show us when you have a chance?”

“Oh yeah sure,” Danny nodded, “We’ll be heading that way for our next class anyway.”

“Great! By the way, Ford mentioned group therapy meetings, do you know when those’ll be?”

“Eh, they’re held every few days, since you’re new it’s not a big deal if you don’t join them right away. I think the next one’s tonight if you want in.”

“Oh, and they’re never held on Fridays and Saturdays,” Jake added, “The doc wants us to have those two nights guaranteed to be free. You can request a private session with her though.”

“I still don’t see why we need to attend them in the first place,” Hunter sighed, “I can’t speak for the rest of you but, no offense, I’m perfectly fine.”

The three boys just looked between themselves and then at Hunter… or rather, the large scar on his cheek and the nick in his ear.

“Huh, and here I thought denial was only a river in Egypt,” Danny was smirking, “Didn’t know we had one here too.”

“Weak!” Jake declared, “That was weak! He’s losing his touch folks! The Spider-Man banter is suffering a slow, painful death!”

Frowning, the taller boy shoved his apple into the dragon’s mouth, earning a muffled yelp.

As lunch began to wind down, the group got up and the trio of boys took the lead. Luz watched the way they pushed each other and made jokes. It made her miss Willow and Gus, they had been her first real friends, and she couldn’t help but wonder if they had looked the same way to strangers they passed on the street. Just… happy and filled with a lust for life.

She was snapped from her thoughts when Randy very loudly announced that they had arrived at the therapist’s office. The door had been left open, showing the inside of the office. It was a big room, possibly even bigger than the actual classrooms, it had two couches, a loveseat, massive pillows and bean bag chairs everywhere. It seemed a lot less formalized than what she imagined regular therapist offices to look like. To the far right was a bookcase, there seemed to be an organizational system to it. The lower shelves were full of books for little kids including coloring books, and the higher up you went, the more advanced the reading material became. The top two shelves seemed to hold reference material for mental health issues, she recognized the DSM-5 so those were probably for the therapist.

To the left of the bookshelf were plastic containers full of toys, a few of them led to a small table that looked like it had recently been used in a session. To the far left of the room was a few more bookshelves, however these ones had a massive collection of board games. Mounted on the wall was a series of computer monitors, each one had a camera perched over them, though at the moment, none of them were on. They were probably for the students who attended the therapy sessions virtually.

Near the back of the room was a large, important-looking desk, flanked on both sides by tall, thin windows. It appeared to be hand carved, with a string of roses ornamenting the ledge, as well as a few… were those frogs? Toads maybe? A desk lamp sat on top, as well as a few files…

And then she saw what was mounted on the wall behind the desk.

“ARE THOSE SWORDS?!”

Held up with careful precision was a pair of identical swords, crossed over each other in an X shape. One was a soft poppy red color while the one was a gray-silver blue, and both had the same strange hilt design, she had to squint for a moment before realizing they were birds. They almost looked like herons!

“Yup, the doc’s a bit of a badass,” Jake smirked, “Totally learned how to use those things in just two months!”

“Aw Jake, nice to hear you have such a high opinion of me.”

The voice made the dragon squeak and Luz turned around fast. Her eyes widened as she looked at what had to be the coolest-looking adult. She was in her twenties, with blonde hair cut into a bob that stopped just short of her shoulders, and a pair of stylish sunglasses rested on her head. Below her left eye was a noticeable beauty mark, and on her right cheek was a small scar. She wore small gold hoop earrings, a periwinkle blouse, a long purple skirt, black boots and a black leather biker jacket. On the left sleeve with a patch of the two crossed swords and in her hand was a steaming cup of coffee.

She let out a warm chuckle as she looked over the group of teenagers.

“So, you’re our new students huh?”

“U-Uh, y-yeah,” Luz managed to stammer out.

“Cool, I’m Dr. Waybright, I’m the school’s therapist. Now lemme guess…” she had a wry smile as she pointed at each of the newcomers, “You’re Luz, the lil’ guy is King, and he’s Hunter.”

“Yeah… guess you saw our files like Douxie did huh?”

“I did,” she nodded, “I like to be as prepared as I can when it comes to my new patients,” the girl watched as the woman walked to her desk, her boots clicking softly on the floor. As she passed, Luz saw that on the back of the doctor’s jacket as the anagram B.A.C.A. She was a legitimate biker!  “Now then, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Oh, uh, not exactly. We kinda just didn’t know where your office was, ya know, for the future and uh…”

“Hehehe, don’t worry kid, I can tell where you’re going with this.”

She physically deflated in relief.

“Gracias…”

“De nada.”

“Eh? ¿Tú hablas español?”

“Only the basics.”

She smiled a bit, she was beginning to really like this lady!

“Anyway, if you guys don’t need me for an actual session, you might wanna head to the sparring ring. Stan’s in charge of your gym class today and unless you wanna work at the Shack this sweekend, you should get going.”

“...what’s the Shack?” Hunter spoke up, his brows furrowed in suspicion.

Dr. Waybright chuckled, “Don’t worry kid, it’s nothing bad, you’ll find out soon enough. By the way, Danny, we still on for your session at 3:30 later?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll be here Doc.”

“Good. Now, get going. I hear Stan has an obstacle course planned for you guys today.”

A spark came to the trio of boys' eyes, as well as excited grins.

“...why do they look like that?” King whispered to Luz.

“...I think they’re excited for this.”

Hunter stayed quiet, but he was intrigued. Perhaps this obstacle course could prove interesting.

[rebeccas-tavern]

Ai generated quotes with characters

Overlord: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Rebecca's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get her out…

Overlord: God, give me patience.

Rebecca: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Overlord: If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

Overlord: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Rebecca: Thank you

Overlord: I didn't say that was a good thing

Rebecca: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Ray: Why is Cryptor so sad?

Overlord: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Ray: And...?

Overlord: They got Rebecca.

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Ray: Shit.

Cryptor: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Overlord: OH MY GOD REBECCA FELL OFF

Ray: *Gently taps table*

Cryptor: *Taps back*

Overlord: What are they doing?

Rebecca: Morse code.

Ray: *Aggressively taps table*

Cryptor: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

Ray: Yo is Rebecca sleeping or dead?

Cryptor: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.

Overlord: Yeah, so did I.

Rebecca: Okay first of all, fuck you-

Overlord: Why are Ray and Cryptor sitting with their backs to each other?

Rebecca: They had a fight.

Overlord: Then why are they holding hands?

Rebecca: They get sad when they fight

Ray: You're a loose cannon, Cryptor.

Cryptor: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Rebecca: I think you play by your own rules.

Overlord: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Ray: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Cryptor: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Mechanic is a loose cannon.

Mechanic: *smashes a chair*

Ray: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Cryptor: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Rebecca: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Overlord: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Mechanic: What the fuck is wrong with you people

Ray: Bye Cryptor! Bye Rebecca! Bye Overlord! Bye Mechanic! Bye Cryptor!

Rebecca: You said ‘bye Cryptor’ twice.

Ray: I like Cryptor.

Ray: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Rebecca will and will not eat.

Cryptor: Grass? Yes!

Ray: Moss? Yes!!

Cryptor: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Ray: Shoelaces? Strange but true!

Cryptor: Worms? Sometimes!

Ray: Rocks? Usually nah.

Cryptor: Twigs? Usually!

Ray: Mechanic's cooking? Inconclusive!

Overlord: How did you… test this?

Ray: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.

Overlord: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.

Mechanic: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Ray: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Mechanic: *turning to Cryptor* How tall are you?

Ray: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Mechanic?

Mechanic: … No.

Cryptor: I do!

Ray: I know, Cryptor.

Cryptor: I’m sad!

Ray: I know, Cryptor.

Ray: You have to apologize to Mechanic

Cryptor: Fine.

Cryptor: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Ray: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon.

Mechanic, not looking up from their book: Spear.

Ray: BLOCKED.

Ray: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Mechanic: I do have a sense of humor you know

Ray: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Mechanic: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

Ray: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

Mechanic, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

Ray: You saved me. I owe you my life.

Mechanic: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.

[dokidokitsuna]

I love the gone au so much!! If I may ask though- since we’ve seen Gooey, what happens to Kirby, Meta, and Dedede? (And also, where’s Galacta Knight in all of this? Is he Morpho’s body/host or is he still trapped?)

Oho, somebody finally asked~

Back in the beginning, I actually considered keeping one of these guys around for the Master Crown to take its anger out on. Like, I feel like that's the only purpose they might serve in its present-day story; to give it a moment like "ugh, everything's going wrong and I feel bad about myself...oh look; it's one of those 'heroes' from before who's supposed to be dead! Maybe if I go over and red-mist them it'll cheer me up~"

^Which was a fun thought, admittedly. ^^ But it'd be a little mean, even for me, and later on I came up with the more unique concept of having Gooey be the 'torch-bearer' for that whole character set, and I liked that better. Verdict: Dream Land's heroes are all long dead.

Dedede, MK: Brutally murdered; possibly tortured beforehand. I think the MC would notice the power hierarchy between these two and Kirby pretty early on, and decide to use the easier opponents' suffering to wear down the tougher opponent. ...Of course, I think trying something like this with Kirby would backfire pretty hard. ^^; Nevertheless, we know who came out the winner in the end, so...

Bandana Dee: I'm throwing him in as an honorable mention because he's technically one of the four protagonists, and I wanted to make it clear that no (relatively...) horrific fate befell Bestest Boy in particular. ◡_◡ I've decided that the other three bought time for him to escape the final fight before things got really bad, and he just ended up in the normal soul-draining mind-prison with all the other minor characters.

Kirby: ...I'm not entirely sure. He's definitely not alive anymore...but is he actually dead...? I feel like...it would make sense for the Master Crown to turn him into something. ^^ Like a sort of magic energy source, or 'appliance', for lack of a better word. Although he was defeated, the special Kirb-power that he holds continues to flow from his remains, like a dead body that never stops bleeding... Of course this begs the question, what would the MC do with this strange unlimited power source? Something disrespectful, I think. ^^; Like it'd shove it in the back of its evil dimension wizard closet and only bring it out when one of its evil dimension wizard remotes runs out of battery power; something like that. XD

Although, deep down, maybe in the far reaches of its subconscious where Magolor's old feelings reside, I think it would want to keep 'Unknown Kirby Remnant' around as a memento. Because I've always felt that Kirb and Mago have a special friendship, which I'm sure must transcend time and space. ❤

Galacta Knight: Because RtDL predates the point where Morpho absorbed him, anything could have happened. Maybe the Master Crown's victory created a butterfly effect (heh) that completely changed GK's fate...

...My suggestion is that he ended up in Star Dream's custody. ^^ I mean, SD's already able to summon him in Robobot, so it feels right to me. Maybe during its expanded conquest it gained the necessary skills to contain him successfully this time around, and even to use him as a research subject. Picture this: Mecha-lacta Knight! Or...Giga-lacta Knight? Whatever; you get it~

[c-h-pictures]

Incorrect quotes for the Whitby Case crew

Dust: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Nadira: 'Prettiest Smile'

Elyas: 'Nicest Personality'

Elijah: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Chi: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

-

Elyas: What does 'take out' mean?

Nadira: Food.

Dust: Dating

Elijah: Murder

Chi: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

-

Dust: Nothing in life is free.

Nadira: Love is free!

Elyas: Adventure is free.

Elijah: Knowledge is free.

Chi: Everything is free if you take it without paying.

-

Nadira: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Chi: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Elyas: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Elijah: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Dust: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

-

Nadira: Where've the assassins gone?

Dust: They're playing hide and seek.

Nadira: Where?

Dust: I don't think you get how this game works.

-

Nadira: Anyone d-

Chi: Depressed?

Elijah: Drained?

Elyas: Dumb?

Dust: Disliked?

Nadira: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people?

-

Nadira: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!

Chi: Tubular AF!

Elyas: Mood to the max!

Elijah, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.

Dust, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she’s a square.

-

Nadira: What’s something you guys are better than Chi at?

Elyas: Mario Kart.

Elijah: Yeah, probably video games.

Dust: Emotional vulnerability.

Nadira: I didn't even ask you.

-

Nadira: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Elijah: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Elyas: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Dust: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Chi: My moral code, is that you?

Nadira:

Nadira: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

-

Nadira: You're a loose cannon, Dust.

Dust: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Elyas: I think you play by your own rules.

Elijah: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.

Nadira: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Dust: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Chi is a loose cannon.

Chi: *smashes a chair*

-

Nadira: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Elyas will and will not eat.

Chi: Grass? Yes!

Nadira: Moss? Yes!!

Chi: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Nadira: Shoelaces? Strange but true!

Chi: Worms? Sometimes!

Nadira: Rocks? Usually nah.

Chi: Twigs? Usually!

Nadira: Dust's cooking? Inconclusive!

Elijah: How did you… test this?

Nadira: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.

Elijah: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.

Dust: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

-

Elyas: *Gently taps table*

Chi: *Taps back*

Dust: What are they doing?

Elijah: Morse code.

Elyas: *Aggressively taps table*

Chi: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

-

Nadira: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

Elijah: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Elyas?

Elyas: Probably “road work ahead”.

Chi: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Happily N’Ever After (2006)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

You can’t believe Happily N’Ever After was made in 2006, much less that it was released in theatres. This obvious attempt to cash in on the success of Shrek and its sequels is dreadful. Its funny moments are as rare as photos of Sasquatch, the animation is cheap, the voice acting poor, the writing deplorable and the plot ill-conceived. I wanted nothing more than for it to end.

In the realm of fairytales, the Wizard (George Carlin) oversees the balance of good and evil, ensuring every prince and princess gets a happy ending. When he goes on vacation, his assistants Munk (Wallace Shawn) and Mambo (Andy Dick) accidentally disturb the equilibrium. When Ella “Cinderella” (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is invited to the royal ball and given a magical makeover by her fairy godmother, her evil stepmother Frieda (Sigourney Weaver) takes advantage of the Wizard’s absence and takes control of the kingdom. While Cinderella looks for her lost Prince (Patrick Warburton), the palace dishwasher, Rick (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) decides to accompany her, secretly hoping she’ll realize the royal is not the man she’s been dreaming of.

Take a look at any frame and you’ll wonder where the $47 million budget went. Happily N'Ever After looks like a PlayStation 2 game, or a very professional supermarket commercial for a local chain. The character designs are ugly and the backgrounds are largely empty. Clearly, the animators didn’t have the means to accomplish what they wanted. I’ve never directed a film, much less an animated one but my understanding is that a director’s job is to look at the script, screenplay and storyboards and figure out how to bring it all to life. Why spend the money to develop seven gnomes when Cinderella could’ve just as easily met Dorothy’s Three Bears? Why did the Wizard need two assistants when just one bumbler would’ve sufficed? I know hindsight is 20-20. Nonetheless, anyone with an unbiased eye would’ve taken a look at what was on-screen and said “this isn’t working”.

Then again, why try to make Happily N’Ever After look good when the story is utterly worthless? The characters are so flat and uninteresting it’s a struggle to stay awake. You don’t care about Cinderella because so little time is spent with her between all of the side characters, the kingdom and the rest of the world. You care even less about Rick, who feels like a self-insert from a bad fan fiction. Frieda gladly calls herself evil, which might fit in a normal fairy tale, but this is supposed to be a deconstruction of the Brothers Grimms’ stories. You’re so bored with the lame romance at the film's center you begin questioning everything. I’d bring you along the mental journey but what’s the use when no thought went into any of this? The world of Happily N’Ever After makes no sense.

Unsurprisingly, the voice acting is horrendous. I can’t blame the performers. The dialogue is uninspired, cheesy and lame. It’s as if the casting director had a bunch of celebrities chained up in his basement but didn’t have the torture instruments required to break true a-listers and instead had to settle for the bottom of the barrel - no offense to anyone in this movie but we've seen performances elevate rickety material before and that's not what's happening here.

Did I mention this is a musical? Indeed, Happily N'Ever After features a collection of uninspired tunes and unmemorable lyrics perfectly fit for the rest of the film. Are we forgetting anything else? Can any more criticisms be thrown at this target? It deserves every single one of them, that’s for sure.

Every aspect of Happily N’Ever After ranges from lackluster to pathetic. It’s impossible to imagine anyone ever calling this their favorite film and the idea of it being the first - or last film - someone ever saw fills me with despair. The knowledge of a sequel existing out there brings suicidal thoughts to mind. I had to sit through this, and there’s another one too? Is there no justice in this world? (January 11, 2019)

[ellowynthenotking]

Apr 7 

Dear dad,

We do have to wait in line for approximately forever again. Possibly even twice of forever, perhaps even three times forever. Maybe more, we’ll see. 

It’s taking even longer than the Seers, like so much longer. At least with the Seers, we could see the line moving occasionally. It seems like this one isn’t moving at all. Ever. It’s just there and staying in place, and then it’ll jump forward like ten or twenty feet. And then it stays still forever and ever. And ever. Did I mention forever? Cause it doesn’t move forever. We’ve only moved about 50 feet from where we started cause we almost never move. Not to complain too much, but I’m going to complain, cause you’re not going to going to read this for a while, and I’m probably going to complain for quite a while.

We’re talking, like, forever and ever. And ever. We’ve only moved a little.

We took turns again while standing in line, but we were far from the only ones doing it this time. On my turn, I just stood around and sat around, and complained a bit, chatted with the people next to our spot in line, which is part of how I knew that we weren’t the only people who had people taking turns waiting in line. They seemed nice enough. One guy just wanted to know where to go for good mead and find a special cup with never-ending mead. The other one and his friend are looking to fight some beast in their hometown that’s supposedly immortal. They’re hoping the wizards will either be able to help, give them an item to fight it, or tell them how to kill it. Either way, they want it gone, and this seems to be the best way to do it. 

I haven’t found a job at any of the shops. A lot of the people I talked to required a “certificate of taxation,” whatever that is, to show that I lived in the city and that we were not just passing through. Which we are, so we can’t just work for a bit while passing through. Which, if you need people, you need people, right? Why wouldn’t you hire someone coming in, offering to help?

But it sounds like the others were having trouble finding work for the same reasons. Will took the first shift again. She said it was cause she figured the library would be quieter at night, but I think it was to get away from Zunair and Riley bickering. 

They’ve really been going at it, and I don’t know why. Zunair’s usually a lot more easygoing, and I know Riley’s been driving us pretty hard. Still, we’re closer to home than ever! So it shouldn’t be that stressful, right? Maybe it’s something else, though. I don’t know. I just wish I’d thought about claiming a place in line before she did. I ended up splitting off from them a little later when it seemed like they were more interested in arguing than actually finding work or going to the Bard’s hall. This is when I started really finding out that a lot of the places wouldn’t hire us. 

That’s when I went back to check on Willow, who was doing fine. She was just a little bored. I delivered some food to her, then checked with the people on either side of her (different people from when it was my turn to sit around), and more. I went up and down the line again, people more willing to trust me when they saw I’d honored the agreements with their neighbors. Maybe not the best way of making money, but I made good money doing it. 

It also let me keep an eye on the line length, which seemed to get longer and longer the longer we were there. But people also tend to drop out of the line. Many people don’t realize just how long it takes to get from one end of the line to the other, and they come without supplies or without people who can take their spots for a little while to give them a break from it all. So they leave.

It doesn’t help that the wizards require payment to even be seen. I’ve seen some people get turned away at the door because they didn’t have enough, which is ouch. We’ve been in line for about two days now, and we’re still probably a day out, probably more.

I think we have enough money and are practically on the doorstep. We can see the castle from our spot in the line, at least. So we’ve moved forward, and we’re going to stick around to see them. Not duck out of line or be pushed out of line or anything like that. Not that I’ve actually seen anyone pushing people out of line. I think we all can tell that would be a bad idea.

I’m writing this while I wait for one of the others to come and relieve me. I really hope someone comes soon because I’ve really got to pee. But that’s not important.

Based on how fast I THINK the line is moving, we’ll be seen late tomorrow, maybe the morning after? So maybe we’ll be home tomorrow evening? Or the morning of the next day? I really hope it’s that soon. IT would be great if it was that soon. Then, I wouldn’t have to continue to stand around for a long time. 

I know the Seers said it would be a while, but it’s already been a while. We’ve already been here for a while, though, right? 

So, really, it could be any day now, right?

Right?

We’ll get out of here sooner or later. I know we will. It’s what we’re going to do. And anyway, I haven’t seen a lot of people leaving the castle set up they’ve got. So they have to have a way of transporting us—or at least people in general. Maybe they have a door leading them out of here, out of a back door. Maybe there’s a secret transporter like the temples have. 

We did remember to ask the people at the temple here if they could or would help us. They do have a transporter ( I don’t remember what they called it because my brain is so stuck on it), but they can’t let us use it unless we absolutely have to. Which I think is dumb, but also kinda makes sense. I assume it takes a lot of power, magic, or something to move us all from place to place. So they’d probably want to avoid that as much as possible. 

I would want to avoid that as much as possible.

We’ll find out soon if the wizards can help us. I mean, I hope we’ll find out soon. I’d really prefer it if I didn’t have to spend too much time on this line. Let alone doing it twice or more. I really hope we have enough after the initial “donation.” Is it really a donation if we have to give it up? I mean, I’m pretty sure donations are supposed to be voluntary. This is a fee, or a tax, or something. 

So, hopefully, we'll have enough left after the entry fee to actually be able to afford their help.

You know, the more I think about this, the more it feels kind of sus. 

I’ll write to you when I can.

Love, Jack

Read the rest of the series here: 

Or read more by this author here: 

[epithetical]

SPECIAL THANKS

Last year on the 4th of July, after a kinda messy heartbreak, I entered something dubbed a Sweetie Arc. In honor of that emotional vulnerability boomerang, let me gush about my friends and colleagues in a place where they’ll never see it. This is going to be the rest of the update. Turn back now.

TL;DR:

Shoutout to ValiDate, Golden Girls, Gamer Hell, the Homestuck Independent Creative Union, Sexy Boys, and the Whites™.

GAME DEV STUFF

Starting off with the broad strokes: thank you so much to the ValiDate team of past, present, and future. It’s been a long, winding road to actually get a VN on (digital) shelves, but you guys make it possible and worthwhile. Special shoutouts to the programming team (who legally have to put up with my inane ramblings about gacha success rates) and to the QA team for saving us from ourselves. Turns out even VNs take an incredible amount of bugfixing, who knew!

Shoutout, of course, to Dani, Alexis, Cam, and Solange. The people I’ve spent the most time with on this team, and the people forced to deal with me the most. I’m very lucky to have a gig where I can write an entire research paper about the 3D animation techniques used in Ace Attorney games, and somehow I get paid for it. Always going to be proud work we’ve done together, and I genuinely believe we’ve created a system that can move whatever fucking mountain we want. And, one day, when we’re not making the hardest-to-publish genre imaginable, we could probably take over the world if we wanted. I want to, anyway. No idea if y’all do. Get back to me on this!

Thanks to everyone I’ve met while working on TGGTMDX, you guys are all great, and I’m so fortunate to know you. To my fellow team leads, the Skeleton Crew, we gave it a fucking good effort. You guys are all wizards, and deserve all the success in the world. We’ll make something insane and game-changing one day, I promise. To Grawly, thank you for taking a chance on me. I’ll never forget it, and I’m honored to still be working with you.

Speaking of TGGTMDX: shoutout to Gamer Hell! I’m still the babyiest member (in more ways than one), but I’m humbled to be in such good company, and genuinely floored by how well you’ve all treated me. Sometimes it feels existentially confusing to be treated as a peer by people who have created such lifechanging art, and the way you guys have tried to raise me up has only made it weirder! In a good way. Good weird. Thanks Harlow for inviting me, and special thanks to her, Quinn, and Monkey for being such good friends. Hoping to make y’all proud.

No more dev talk, but a brief tangent about how funny it is that people I’ve been following for a decade know of my work, now. Sometimes I’ll hear Adrian and Cindy (hey guys!) talk about getting recognized for ValiDate in public despite living in a much more “conservative” area than me, but literally the only times its happened to me was with 1) an incredibly blindsided friend of a friend, and 2) Andrew Hussie. Not really gonna unpack that one now.

Oh, speaking of (x2 combo), special thanks to the Homestuck Creative Union. One of the most exciting parts of 2023 was watching you guys emerge from the shadows, guns drawn, targets locked. This shoutout is less for the team (for, y’know, obvious reasons), and more for you: the girl reading this. I entreat you, if you’re a person that was turned off by the epilogues and/or the original direction of HS^2, please. Give this new team a shot. They’re some of the most talented, funny, dedicated people I know, and just from what little I’ve seen, I know they have what it takes. Their ambition alone is enough to earn them the mantle of Homestuck Scribe(s). 

But also they’re my friends, and you should support them so we can all get rich and go on vacation again. Entreaty over. Thank you for reading.

Lastly for the professional shoutouts is the ASCEPI team, who have been forced to watch me run sidequests with all these other bozos for three years now. There’s no words I can use to show my gratitude for you guys putting any effort into making my dream-game a reality, let alone the amount of elbow grease you’ve been giving. I want to make this game as good as I can make it, and you people are the only reason why it will get made in the first place. Please, continue relying on my dumb ass as I hone my game-making skills doing all this other shit. We’ll make it one day.

Now onto the friend shoutouts! Not that the above-mentioned aren’t friends. Everyone’s my friend. None of them have a choice.

THE IRLs (WHO WON’T READ THIS)

To the Wessex Family: Going to community college might’ve been the best-worst decision I’ve ever made. You guys saved my life in a very literal way. Never have I met a more accepting, kindhearted, and frankly stupid group of people. We may have all met because of Smash, but we all love each other because we keep getting into sitcom situations. Now, hilariously, we all work in games. You’re all fucking idiots. I am so sorry that esports have imploded. Get well soon.

To the Art School Friends (Suffer Gang? Is that what we’re calling it now?): I’m sorry I dropped out. I’m really glad I dropped out. You’re all really jealous I dropped out. School may have taught me nothing (besides Bradley’s class, thanks Bradley!), but you guys taught me about love. Resilience. Gacha addictions. I hope that me being a try-hard has given you back a fraction of that. I’m proud of you all for actually graduating, and I’m going to force the industry to take you even if it kills me. Gonna miss drinking with you guys a lot. Glad we’re making a game together so we can stay in touch, but please come back to NYC as soon as possible. It’s so boring without y’all.

THE OOMFS (WHO WILL READ THIS)

Now my personal server, Sexy Boys Only. You are a colony of ants that I keep in a shoebox and shake at my leisure. The amount of psychological torture we inflict on each other daily is staggering, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m happy to have made you all worse in clearly defined ways, but I’m forced to admit that you guys have made me much, much better. I’m not one to admit it, but being around you guys has made me considerably less neurotic than I was at the beginning of the pandemic. 

Can’t phrase it any other way: you guys are so shameless that my OCD buckled under the weight. Couple days ago, Aly ranted about her boyfriend’s flacid dick for five minutes, then spent the rest of the night rapping about it with Winter. You just can’t get that anywhere else.

Of course, this server can’t exist without Alex. She made it, she’s the beating sadistic heart at its center, and she’s my best friend. Don’t let her hear me say that. She’d never let me live it down. I can still hear her saying “awwwww, kevinnnnnn” the last time I showed her any affection… Scary stuff. (She also came up to NY to hang with me for a weekend last Halloween! We had a party.) Unfortunately for both of us, she’s one of my oldest friends, and I couldn’t have done literally any of this without her. She is the wind beneath my wings. She’s literally become my Jiminy Cricket that exists to tell me when I’m getting clowned. Like a rage-born brain ghost. If anyone can make it in Hollywood, it’s her. She won’t give them a choice.

Lightning round, because doing paragraphs for all of you is increasingly unsustainable:

Mel, you died in the war. We honor your memory by doing drugs and drinking shitty beer. I miss you every day, brother. We’ll get you off that farm.

Fish, is one of the most talented people I’ve ever had the horror of knowing, and watching him grow into his own has been one of my life’s most unexpected honors. He actually just reached 10k on Twitter! Please, check him out.

Daisy, you went to heaven. I’ve never seen you this happy before, and I hope you never have to leave Ireland again.

Anthy, you’re probably the one person that’s dealt with me being a completely insane person the most, and I appreciate it deeply. You’ve made me a better person in a tangible way that I can’t repay. 

Ollie, I’ve literally known you since I was 14. Cope with that. Cope. The things we have seen. The things we have done. 

Xue, you get along with my sister weirdly well, and I think my family likes you more than they like me. I don’t think we can keep up the fake-boyfriend ruse because my parents will adopt you.

Julio also died in the war, but I honor them by doing drugs and drinking cocktails. Incredibly talented artist, and even though they never post on Twitter, you should follow them anyway. Or die.

Mei, reconnecting with you was 100% an impulse decision that I deeply regret now that you are yaoipilled. I thought better of you. I thought we were monks together… But you liked hole more than nirvana… (Your mom is very nice, though.)

Max, watching you get Umineko-pilled is one of the funniest “of course he’s the one that locked the fuck in” moments of my life. Of all the straight white boys I know, you are at the top of the heap. You may also be the only one. Everyone adores you. (A/N: MAX IS NO LONGER STRAIGHT AT TIME OF POSTING THIS BUT I WAS UNAWARE AT THE TIME OF WRITING THIS)

Jay, you’re an incredible talent. I don’t think I say that enough. I forgive you for buying me shitty $5 horror games to try and manipulate me into playing them with you. Please follow them on Twitter so they can escape petcare. 

Aly, I think the flaccid boyfriend thing says enough. My friendship with you is 99% anecdotes like that, and you’re a treasured friend that I appreciate having in my girltalk circle. Sorry that I’m a prude!

Winter and Salem. You two are a package deal. Yin and Yang. Kpop equilibrium. I’m sorry I made you two walk for miles and pretended it was only five blocks. I stand by it, though.

Emma, you’re actively editing this dumb fucking vanity project while I write this. I have no idea why you’re willing to put up with my strange artistic whims, and my complete inability to use dashes, but I appreciate you dearly. Also, kinda sick to have an editor?

To the rest of the Sexy Boys… I’d feel legitimately guilty directly roasting the rest of you in public like this. So take this token of “I will roast you within the sanctity of our server” coupon instead. And thanks for being a friend.

My other friend-group server, WO3, gets their shoutout at the bottom where no one dares read, so no one asks what it stands for. Doing Oomfcon with you guys was a dream, but getting to know you guys at all still feels surreal. Spent a lot of time feeling like I was some weird kid surrounded by giants, but now I realize I’m taller and buffer than all of you. Besides Alexis, she can still kick my ass. 

Dani, you’re never gonna read this, but reconnecting with you was one of the best mistakes I’ve ever made. I owe you my life, my career, and my greatest work. In turn, you owe me 5% of your clout as a game development juggernaut, so I think we’re even. You’ve lit a fire under me, and I’ve gotten very good at running very fast lest I get burned. Amen.

Xtine, I am your fag. You are my hag. This bond is unbreakable. Our girltalk means the world to me, even though you “have a girlfriend” now. Traitor. Jokes on you, I still haven’t started playing Touhou, and I am only somewhat sorry. Grim got to it first. She’s actually very good at it. 

Haven, it feels weird meeting some guy that has all of your same niche interests, but I cannot complain whatsoever. I think we’re both in a “oh shit, we have the same exact taste in shit” loop that’s going to take us to the center of the Earth. Chatting with you about whatever dumb shit we get up to has been a genuine delight, and watching you slowly take over the world has been a ride. Become Toyotaro. I believe in you.

Okay. Realizing it's kinda hard to talk about yall as individuals when you guys really function more like wheels within wheels. An insane machine that churns out bits and muse like no one's business. So let's break it up a little. 

To the Fortnite sub-gang within the Whites: kinda embarrassing how much playing this dumb fucking game has meant to me, but Alexis has written an entire essay about how much it means to them, so I think I’m in the clear. It’s some of the most fun I’ve had during the pandemic, and even though my PC crashes every time I open the game… I will drop with you. This is a promise. (HS:BC needs to succeed specifically so the others can get better gaming setups, too. I am begging. I miss us so bad.)

I genuinely don’t think I knew what being an artist meant until I knew you guys. There’s whatever the fuck I was doing, and then there’s you two. The amount of your being dedicated to theory, critique, and improvement is well beyond what I've ever seen in academia or professional settings. Even though you're all visual artists, you've pretty much forced me to push my music and my design, or die trying. And I refuse to die. 

(Also, having Haven, Dani, and Rads to talk about comics with is the first time in my life that anyone has cared about this dumb fucking interest of mine. We’re in this together. Marvel is ours for the taking.)

AFTERWORD

That’s about it. I know I’m a pretty… unaffectionate dude, so typing this much about how much I care about you guys probably comes off as a weird OOC moment (or a truncated suicide note). Self-expression has never really been my strongpoint. Hell, I had to write this whole thing instead of just being kinda mushy 1-on-1! But we’re already a month into 2024, and I’ve been holding strong on my resolution to keep being as open as I can manage. My life is a lot better for all of you being in it. Thank you for taking a chance on me.

We already have a lot of plans for 2024 (many of which I’m too OCD to talk about openly, lest I jinx them), and I’m ready to see how far we can take these silly little relationships. Will we take over the world? Hopefully. Will corporate America bow to our might? Probably! Am I out of ideas on how to end this? Definitely.

To anyone that’s read this far: Love you. To anyone that skimmed to the end: Hey, you missed the part where I talked about Homestuck.

2024! We’re in it, baby!

2024 UPDATE (OFFICIAL)

Hey, everyone. Longtime no talk. Despite being weirdly active on this account, I haven't really made any textposts since high school. So I've decided to fix this by giving a gigantic update post about my very busy 2023. If you're new and don't know anything about me, or knew me as a teen and are wondering what I'm up to now: buckle up.

TL;DR:

Dropped out of art school. Released an award-nominated(???) dating sim, ValiDate. Killed the Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX. Conquered Jaw Explosion Disease. Hung out with some friends. (Also, a lot of NDA shit that I can’t talk about.)

ART-SCHOOL DROPOUT

From 2021 to 2022, I was attending a prestigious and overly-expensive art school for their (brand new!) game design program. When I first graduated from high school, this college was my dream choice, and coming off the success of my early game dev career, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to polish my skills while I kept working on the side. My first commercial game was still in development, but we were feeling comfortable, and I felt like getting greedy.

Pride before the fall. Full Icarus mode. You know how it goes.

The school itself was…alright. Satellite campus, mid-pandemic, hybrid learning. Close enough to commute comfortably, classes just long enough for masks to not give me a headache, and the handful of remote courses helped keep my medical problems at bay. Problems that the school was a little unequipped to help with, though the disability office did their best. I had to drop a class because my body, at the time, couldn’t handle eight hours of classes without some Crazy Side Effects. 

(Keep in mind that every class was, minimum, four hours. And I had to take at least five a semester. Each class also saw me make an entire game from scratch. My body was already at its limit.)

If you knew me in high school, you’re probably waiting for the shoe to drop: I was, famously, the worst at academics. Never did homework, rarely finished projects, slept through first period at least once a week. Surprise, though: I was fucking great at this. My GPA doubled. Turns out that going to school for a discipline you already have a career in, and are kinda obsessed with, kinda does wonders for you. Unfortunately, I picked the worst time to care about school, since my commercial game’s release was the same exact night that my five school games were due.

TL;DR, I didn’t sleep for a week, almost fucked both up, and got burnout so bad that I couldn’t do anything for a calendar year. So I dropped out! Now, about a year of job hunting later (the game’s industry is imploding right now, and the only studios that considered me were… questionable, to say the least), the expensive art school wants me back. So badly. Turns out the whole school is so broke and understaffed right now that they’re basically chomping at the bit for that tuition money. Got a week to decide. Jury’s still out.

VALIDATE POST-MORTEM

So, if you couldn’t tell from the above section, we released a game in 2022!  I was supposed to write a post-mortem for it, but… burnout from the above, combined with general “post-release depression,” and I didn’t feel like touching it. 

Part of me still doesn’t! 

Yet I kinda think the feeling of me not wanting to talk about ValiDate is still worth discussing, so here we go:

For those of you that aren’t aware, I was a head dev on ValiDate, a dating sim that released in 2022. Volume 1 (of 3) did, anyway.

Did a lot of music, did a lot of writing, created some characters people really care about, created some characters people really want to fuck, made a couple Tweets that my boss hated, got accused of being reverse racist a few times. It was truly one of the most exciting and rewarding experiences of my life. And, yes, we’re still working on Vol. 2 behind the scenes. 

That’s actually the reason why it’s kinda hard to talk about Vol. 1!

It was my first commercial game, my first publicly released game, and I think there’s always gonna be a… natural embarrassment toward your first “real” project. Combine that with my natural “if you stare at me for too long, I will kill myself” tendencies, and the game’s release was a special type of torture. It’s one thing to watch people play through a game that you poured your blood, sweat, and tears into, knowing full well that they might hate it (or just misunderstand it), but shit gets so much worse when you know that you could have done better. 

It’s a very special kind of psychological torture to have creative decisions you feel were mistakes, things you half-assed because of burnout or deadlines, or things you did wrong because you just didn’t know any better! The embarrassment was overwhelming, so I just… dipped for a while. Didn’t watch gameplay or read reviews, didn’t do much of anything.

Took me a while to realize that me being embarrassed about the project isn’t because ValiDate was bad or anything. I was embarrassed because it was an incredible learning opportunity for me. The amount that I picked up on game design, community management, leadership, marketing, pitching, porting, etc. in two years is more than any school could teach you in four. Volume 1 was a game made by amateurs, still wet behind the ears, trying to build something from grassroots. 

But Volume 2 is a game-ass game. 

And having done all the work we have on Vol. 2 (which, while I can’t talk about it publicly, is a lot!), looking back at our first release feels like… revisiting your awkward middle school photos. Sometimes it’s hard to not feel contempt for who you were when your biggest struggle was becoming, but learning to choke down that shame? It taught me to feel grateful for the you of yesterday, who clawed their way through uncertainty so that you, today, can stand on sturdier ground. Growing up is embarrassing, and it turns out you keep doing it well into your twenties! Sucks. 

For the past few days, Dani and I have been watching a Twitch streamer play through Volume 1. We’ve been so deep in planning for the future that we figured, hey, may as well revisit the past. Detached from all that embarrassment of becoming, I gotta admit: we made a fun little dating sim. People like it. Hell, I like it. Sure, I know all of its flaws and shortcuts, and I have my fair share of critiques… but fact of the matter is, if I have a problem with something, I can just fix it. 

Admittedly, In the past, that attitude of mine has actually been more of a problem than a solution. “I can fix this myself!” is all fine and good when you’re a solo dev trying to throw something together, but it turns out taking on excess responsibility in a collaborative setting is a way to make shit suck for you and your team. During the Kickstarter demo era, I was literally on every team besides art. Writing, programming, music, I got my fingers in all those pies. It was fun to me, and more importantly, it was sustainable. 

Until it wasn’t.

Volume 1 coinciding with my tenure at [art school], using a (finicky and, frankly, shitty) new game engine, being much larger in scope, introducing minigames (which, surprise, I was team lead on)... I pretty much killed myself trying to get it all done. Honestly, I blame half of our day-one bugfixes on me specifically. Every single one of them was an oversight made because I was pulling the classic “I’m unmedicated so crunching is the only way I can feel alive” type shit. 

Except for the OST. That one sucked because art school sucks all the joy out of creating.

Happy to say that our workflow for Volume 2 has been much more sustainable for me, even if I’ve officially broken my “no art” rule for it. Yeah, turns out I’m finally making use of that animation major. Sucks.

Self reflection over. Except for one last note:

If you’ve followed ValiDate, played our demo, donated to the Kickstarter, replied to our Tweets, played our second demo, bought our game, or just talked about us to a friend… I am so, so grateful. Beyond what words could possibly describe. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember become a game developer, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you guys. Vd8 wasn’t what I expected the cornerstone of my career to be, but honestly? I couldn’t have asked for a better one. We have Vriska in our game. How many people can possibly say that?

And to those of you still waiting for Volume 2:

You haven’t seen anything yet.

GAYMING AWARDS

Speaking of ValiDate… Did you hear we were nominated for some Gayming Awards last year? We were! 

Three other head Vd8 devs (Dani: Production, Alexis: Art, Cam: Code) flew out to beautiful New York City for the award show last March, which was actually our first time actually meeting up IRL. Really funny how I’ve known Dani since I was fifteen, but here we were, a decade later, finally meeting face to face. She’s so much taller in person. I’m still taller, but barely.

Meeting up with internet friends is one thing (and more on that later!), but meeting up with internet coworkers? It’s interesting. This was the first moment that ValiDate felt “real,” seeing as it was suddenly important enough to give us comp’d flights and a hotel room, but more than that: the people I’ve been working with for years exist? We’re all hanging out together? We’re wandering through Manhattan all day? We’re eating the most disgusting food at Junior’s in Times Square? We’re trying to figure out what this mystery liquid is? How much did this food cost again? (Seriously, my onion rings were 90% dough and 10% onion.)

While I won’t bore you with the minutiae—I think my friends would prefer the privacy anyway—the entire trip to NYC was fun, exhausting, and a dream-come-true.

Except for that goddamn award show. Jesus CHRIST, what a trainwreck.

No, I’m not saying that just because we lost. We did lose, though. (Personally, I was fine with it, but I also had to travel the least distance to get there. So…) I’m saying that because the entire Gayming Awards industrial complex was, uh, kinda busted this year?

So imagine, you’re us: bunch of twenty-somethings on your Sex and the City shit. Big award show tonight, formal attire. We’re talking high heels, long dresses, full suits, the whole nine yards. Now what do you do in Manhattan? Walk. Sure, we weren’t walking in formal attire the entire time, but it was still a good five blocks to the award center where—wait, what do you mean they relocated the ceremony? The hall they rented is closed for mysterious reasons? Where the hell are we doing the award show?

If you answered “the drag bar where the afterparty was supposed to take place,” congrats, here’s $20. Way further away from our hotel, which meant more walking, and also a way smaller venue with a lot less… formality, let’s say. But we’re young gay people, we don’t care about formalities, who gives a shit! As long as it can seat all of us, then—oh there’s no seating. Ohhhh. Oh! Okay.

I’ll admit, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. There were a handful of couches, VIPs only. Realizing quickly that, oh shit, we’re VIPs, we managed to snag some front-seat couches before any of the pesky old people could. (We’re young! We deserve to sit! You’ve had your entire lives to sit, established games industry people! Let the new generation have a turn!) Unfortunately, when I got up to cash in my free-drink voucher, my seat was stolen by some white lady. 

So I sat on the floor.

March 2023. You, sitting at home, have decided to tune into the Gayming Awards “live” on Twitch, curious to see what Britain’s premiere gayming magazine had to say about, uh, esports. 

This is important to you. 

Fortunately, this year you’re watching a decently shot and scripted award show filmed in a (noticeably claustrophobic) little bar, complete with charming presenters (many of whom are local drag queens) and a myriad of corporate sponsors. You can hardly tell that the entire show was uprooted and moved hours prior!

Yet, for some reason, whenever the cameras cut to the audience… There’s some large man, right in front of the crowd, slumped down on the floor as if he’s bleeding out. With every award given, his clapping grows weaker. The more the camera cuts to him, the more life drains from his body, as if his existence itself is anathema to “gayming.”

Imagine, for a moment, that this man is nominated for an award. 

Imagine that he, after a lifetime of potassium deficiency, has been teetering on the edge of a Charlie Horse Reckoning for hours.

Imagine that the microsecond that his game’s name is called as a nominee, the Reckoning begins. 

Now imagine a world where he wins that award. 

A world where he is forced to stand—from his corpse’s rightful place on the ground!—in front of his peers and superiors, pretending as if he’s not afflicted with a life-ending muscle cramp.

So, yeah. I was pretty fine with losing.

Later, we ditched the “afterparty” to drink at Applebees. (Turns out “green tea shots” don’t have any green tea in ‘em?)

EULOGY FOR THE GOLDEN GIRLS TAKE MANHATTAN DX

Big announcement! I was a team lead on The Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX, a certified Tumblr Gold™ fan-project (by the immortal Grawly) about the eponymous Gold Girls in a Persona-esque parody game! 

Slightly bigger announcement! The game got cancelled. Sorry.

Feels a little weird talking about this, since the year-ish I spent working on the game passed in the blink of an eye, and I’m not going to lie and say that I was an instrumental piece of the team or whatever. I was lucky enough to lead a very talented team, and to play with some very fun devtools, but the game was definitely more important to me than I was to it. (Grawly, if by some off-chance you’re reading this, please click off now. You can peek back in at the Jaw Explosion Disease subheader. I promise I’m very nice and respectful.)

I was in high school when I was first made aware of TGGTMDX. My friend group was very into Persona (in the pre-P5 days), and one of our favorite video subgenres was “videogame UI on top of sitcom scenes.” It didn’t take us long to stumble onto early-build footage of TGGTMDX on Tumblr, and what spawned was a years-long fascination. I’d even consider it one of my many… game dev awakenings? The idea that the only thing stopping me from making “American Persona”—one of my many white whales—was commitment to the bit. Just one of the many things that fueled my teenaged suicidal overconfidence.

Speaking of suicidal overconfidence, about a decade later, I was invited to work on the game! Coming fresh off ValiDate, I was desperate for a chance to make a real portfolio piece (visual novels, while popular, will never get you a job), and this sort of opportunity only presents itself once in a lifetime. Fulfilling a teenage dream while furthering your career? What could possibly go wrong!

That makes it seem like there was some explosive drama behind the scenes that ruined everything. Sorry to say that most game cancellations aren’t that exciting, and that this game’s death was by a thousand microscopic cuts. Most of which are not my place to talk about: this game wasn’t my baby, and cancelling it wasn’t my choice to make! Many people worked on this for much, much longer than I even knew how to code, and they deserve to have their feelings prioritized. Whenever that post mortem gets published, I’ll be the first to reblog it, trust me. 

Instead, I’d prefer to talk a little about this as being my first real “loss” as a game dev. Certainly not my first project to go under, and I’ve had my fair share of shelved prototypes, but something about this cancellation was… different. Working on your dream project is all fun and games until you feel partially responsible for it dying, y’know? It felt Sisyphean at a point, like trying to dig a hole in the sand with a pitchfork. I would work at the game, and work at the game, but nothing I did felt like it made a dent. 

Part of me knew I wasn’t giving it my all, between the school-based burnout (above), jaw explosion disease (below), and ValiDate (omnipresent), it’s not like I could’ve afforded to put more of myself into it. Besides, I was literally a team lead, half my job was telling other people what to do. But the spectre of “you’re not doing enough” was hard to shake. Even when all these other responsibilities ebbed and I could afford to give this game my all, the difference felt minimal. 

We spend a lot of time pitying Sisyphus for having to push that boulder uphill over and over, but none of us ask ourselves “could we even move that big fucking rock in the first place?” Apparently, I couldn’t.

I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, it turned out. In fact, pretty much all the friends I made on the project felt the same. If there’s any “real” reason why the project got cancelled, it’s that. No big falling out, Disney didn’t give us a cease and desist, no secret rebrand going on in the background. Just a bunch of lads getting sick of pushing a boulder. Hell, Grawly’s been doing it for a decade. Let him rest.

Not too much rest, though: we’re already working on a different game together (Date Knight: check it out if you haven’t!), and some of us ex-Golden Girls devs have some ideas for what else we can cook up. 

For money, this time.

JAW EXPLOSION DISEASE

Probably the biggest “development” of 2023 was my sudden horrible nerve pain in July, which started as a sinus infection on the left side of my face, and soon became a horrific jaw pain. Long after my sinus infection healed, the jaw pain remained, which is a pretty bad hand to draw when a considerable portion of your day is spent “talking,” or “eating.” So, for the back half of 2023, I didn’t do much of either.

Instead, I had to take a considerable amount of ibuprofen, visit one doctor, three dentists, two hospitals, and four oral surgeons to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The dentists discovered an exposed nerve, caused by wisdom tooth removal complications (sick!), the oral surgeons went “okay, we can fix that,” got me all numbed up. But it turns out that my left jaw is immune to local anesthesia! Thinking this was an infection, they kept putting me on antibiotics over and over in the hopes that it’d suddenly work. Took a note from my childhood dentist explaining that, “no, he’s always been like this” to find a surgeon willing to put me all the way under. (And then, the first time they tried, I woke up in the middle anyway! I got a full refund on the copay, at least.) 

Ultimately, I found a very nice surgeon in December that treated me same-day, and did it perfectly, but the damage to my liver from all that ibuprofen was… bad. But it turns out that livers just… regenerate naturally? So, give it a few months, I’ll be at 100%. Hopefully.

OOMFCON

Hilariously, six months after we met up for the Gayming Awards, Dani and Alexis found their way back to NYC for a little combination meet-up/vacation we affectionately titled “Oomfcon 2023.” This time, with bonus friends! Our entire friend server, whose name I’ve been advised not to post publicly, had rented an AirBnB for anyone willing to drop everything and go to Brooklyn. 

It took about a year of planning (mostly by Alexis) to get us all out there, but Jesus Christ, it actually worked.

Admittedly I’m a bit hesitant to talk at length about “taking a vacation”—even though I’m already… from here?—but it really was the highlight of my year. First for actually happening, when most friend groups I’ve had would have written the idea off as a pipedream, but mostly for being a really good time. A lot of walking, a lot of talking, a lot of drinking, a lot of dining. (This was during Jaw Explosion Disease, so you can imagine how my body took most of that.)

To Dani, Alexis, Miles, Haven, Grim, Xtine, and Ty: thanks for coming up here! The city is a lot more boring without you guys in it. I promise to have less health issues when we do this again!

And to everyone else outside the groupchat that I met and bored with my job hunt stories: Nice meeting you guys! Sorry that fate decided every single one of you is forced to keep in touch with me. (And I didn’t even get the shitty corporate job!)