#all the others are just me venting over
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yknow what. I wanna say: CSA and COCSA survivors are all incredible, but I also wanna give a shout out to ppl who were exposed to sexual stuff or had any kind of sexual experience as a kid that they either aren't comfortable labelling as or don't consider abuse, but they know it still fucking sucked and shouldnt have happened. Even if that changes later in life and you identify as a victim/surivor, it can be messy to have to imagine those labels applying to the ppl in ur life and that can take time.
The most important thing is to prioritize your recovery + health, and to support other victims + survivors.
#COCSA ment#CSA ment#This is like. V personal and venting (maybe over sharing)#It's. I'm going to be honest recent discussion really brought this back into my brain aaughhh. Not in a bad way necessarily#Just. I know I've had experiences that I think others might label this way and I struggle to really understand that#Beyond the gut feeling of ''it doesnt count'' there's the understand that I might be denying it bc of shame or even just. The fact I have#An internal definition of it that excludes myself. And that I don't want to imagine the other ppl as 'abusive' and I don't think they had#The intent to hurt me. And the fact in one situation I know none of us understood boundaries or consent bc we didn't#Actually talk with adults about what like. Sex and sexuality meant so all out fucking context was porn. And just idk#I have specific experiences but those Memorable Incidents were just part of a larger pattern of me learning Abt sex young#And then failing to get proper sex ed for years. And the internet. And the Fucking Internet#(fanfic is like. Anti sex ed. 70% just the fucking worst shit to internalize 30% ''hey this is actually Okay'')#Sex Ed... Like in school... Needs a fucking HEAVY overhaul but it's still better than nothing usually
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there’s a huge misconception in jinx attempts on her life that is: she doesn’t really want to die. she just sees no other way to ‘break the cycle’ as silco put it, other than ridding the world of herself, it’s not the often portrayed i’d be better off dead but rather they’d be better off if i was dead.
they set things up in a way that shows she wants to break the cycle, she wants to change, she wants to try, but she’s drowning in so much she can’t see another way out, there isn’t a beacon in sight to guide her other than her own very sick mind.
and it’s irritating to me how they had vi tell caitlyn she isn’t the one who chooses who gets second chances, and then just off jinx with a ‘it’s okay cause she sacrificed herself for her sister’. and no, the implications that she escaped through the air vents isn’t enough, it’s a cheap cop out way to say “we didn’t really kill her, she’s fine”.
because that isn’t what the audience wants to see, okay she’s alive so what? we don’t get to see her try to heal, to connect back with her loved ones, with the legacy she inherited, we don’t get to see her figure herself out, we don’t get to see her second chance besides a ‘well guess all the mental illness is gone now and she off gallivanting the world’.
it just feels disrespectful.
#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane critical#jinx arcane#to me the show ended on the jayvik butterfly#warwick turned off just like all of the other possessed people#and they cried over his body together and end#can’t believe they did my girl dirty like that#i just needed to vent okay?#sorry if it makes no sense
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I hate hate HATE when people say I'm "having an attitude" with them, bc I'm literally not until AFTER they say that. And thats not even "an attitude", it's me being annoyed and frustrated bc youre saying im having an attitude when im NOT.
Like what does that even mean. I'm just autistic.
#blah blah blah#vent#like i was just responding to my name being called???? i literally just went “huh?” which i do all the time?????#and when you walk off mumbling shit that i cant hear bc we're dozens of feet away from each other in a loud ass store#and i come over and ask what you wanted#and youre like “i said we'll talk when you drop the attitude” or whatever and have the audacity to smirk at me like its a joke and i have#any idea wtf youre talking about#like i got so frustrated and upset about it that i legit cried for like an hour after that. while still doing my work bc i just wanna get#done and go home.#this is about one of my managers btw. if it wasn't obvious#like shes cool most of the time. but she says shit sometimes that make me wanna quit on the fucking spot
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maybe its just me but i cant stand when people are like "it just doesn't sit right with me how teruhashi thought about aiura 🥺" like yes... its not supposed to ??? because her thinking badly of other girls and prioritizing male validation over everything is one of her main flaws ??? can we talk about that WITHOUT making it seem like shes not allowed to have a single actual flaw without suddenly becoming an awful person? nobody can handle complex female characters at all and its so fucking annoying
#you guys all missed the point of her development AND her and saiki's relationship development#like did you miss the parts where the only times he genuinely seems to not like something she does is when shes mean to other girls#and he still understands that she isnt a bad person for having bad thoughts in the private comfort of her mind#and besides... in this case she was literally just being a dramatic and insecure teenage girl LMAO#like dont fucking lie to me and tell me when you were her age you didnt have similar thoughts#youre worse than her if you lie about it while judging her for it#sorryyyy#she shouldve been MORE unhinged youre all just cowards#AND ALSO ? how can something even be 'mean' if its just a thought#thats like if u opened ur friends private diary without permission and then unfriended them over something they said in a random upset vent#and in this specific situation if u found out ur friend called someone a bitch because they liked the same person as her ??#LIKE THATS ?? its bad but its not as crazy as you guys make it out to be#shes allowed to be angry and insecure in the privacy of HER OWN MIND#idk if this makes sense but i just feel that her thoughts are more of a concern about her wellbeing than anything else#like she canonically is extremely kind to others even when she doesnt want to be so why are we worried about how she treats others.#theyre fine. im worried about HER.#and WHY her mindset is so negative... but u guys dont give a shit because u cant handle even a spec of complexity#sorry ive said all this before i just like to rant#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#teruhashi kokomi#meows post
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Pretty sure my parents think I'm a heartless freak but like idk what I'm really supposed to do about that-
#like do they WANT me to cry#about death and stuff#idk#maybe not cause theyve seen me cry over way lesser stuff#but i feel like they see me as a lil heartless freak everytime somethinf actually big happens and then#my reaction is just like 'ok :/'#urgh#anyone else just not....feel it?#anyway all this to say my grandpa died#:/#i dont really?#like idk shit happens man#also this is not a vent#i just feel guilty because im not like...sad?#i feel worse about the heartless freak thing#it makes me feel like im a bad person#i think that regardless#but thats like a whole other issue#anyway#ramble over#/gen i am fine and this isnt meant to be a vent
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life is hard when you don't care about the Male Side Character Extended Fanon
#see i respect some of them and not others#the difference between like. let's say submas vs radiant garden#is the pokemon franchise and fandom aren't rife with misogyny lol#so it's like fine if ppl obsess over those two dudes i respect it even if i personally can't get into it#most of it anyway. some of it is genuinely really cool#but until the women in kingdom hearts are treated well i will never bring myself to care about those shifty scientists#sorry. go develop empathy for the ladies#the more of rg character projection i see the less i can take it seriously#i like ienzo in theory i think it all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth now#rent lowering gunshot ig i don't care who follows me i just need to vent sometimes
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Evening, ladies
#🪴#im remaking this blog. if you havent noticed#i felt awkward making a big text post about it so im just keeping it condensed in the tags#but anyway all the tofupupper posts are over on @tofupupper as an archive#for anyone that wants it#im probably gonna be posting about animals and botany here.. bc its what i enjoy right now#i used to really enjoy tofupuppers content but things got rough during the pandemic#and i was in a bad place. and i was just constantly getting anons from people venting to me#or talking about their mental health and im just so bad at comforting and constantly seeing#people tell me they want to die and such on my fan blog for a shiba inu was just so stressful#even though i havent posted tofu content since 2021 i still got messages like that now and then. 700 messages in my askbox rn#but anyway#im better now and i hope everyone is too#and i will still be rbing donation posts at peoples request here#i just felt awkward rbing them to a blog i didnt use otherwise#so. yeah!. wildlife biology and plants now. maybe other stuff#you dont have to stick around if thats not your thing#goodbye for now
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#my mom said this is probably because I don’t stick with something long enough to build it and im just. head in my hands#it makes SO MUCH SENSE#that and the sense of novelty wears off so I pick up something new over and over again#but if I don’t I’ll get bored and hate it and then I won’t get anything done at all. Ugh. ughhhhh#half of me is like no shit you feel like you’re not learning anything you have to do it for a while#and the other half is like noo noooo I hate doing the same thing over and over again I want to do something new and exciting#does this count as vent#yapping#doodles
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#us election venting beware:#i am actually a bit annoyed at all the people that told me i was just being pessimistic and it's not healthy to think the worst of people#when yet again we have proven the worst of people wins#and even if it doesn't win (it will) it is still so significantly mobilized and out there#like i know it's not helpful. but i TOLD YOU. everyone thought it wouldn't happen and it DID.#just like nobody thought it would happen THEN and i was apparently the only one around me who saw it coming.#now can we PLEASE take this problem SERIOUSLY and get off our fucking asses and admit it's fucked out there??#the core of our system is bad. it is rotting and the proof is in this joke of an election#so can every white liberal get off my ass for 'bringing down the vibe' or whatever?#you people have been LAZY for a long time. you have been comfortable and unmotivated and been doing NOTHING.#quit focusing on doing your best by voting and get the fuck out there and disrupt. radicalize!#'common sense' is not enough and it never was#i hate to say it but believing the best in the masses in this deeply racist country will disappoint you every time#and i can't believe so many people fell for it again!!!!#i know it's unfair but#i'm finding it really difficult to sympathize with people in my community who are sad and disappointed#when i watched you do NOTHING for YEARS#(not for the people that are actively in danger. my heart breaks for you. i will not stop fighting for you. you didn't deserve this.)#i have never believed that people are fundamentally good and i'm sorry if that's mean but it's just not true#people are fundamentally neutral and you have to WORK to push them towards 'good'#and for too long the pushing has been going in the other direction. but 'pushing' at all is uncouth to you people i guess#get over your decorum. get over your morals that mean nothing. no one else is playing by your rules. DO something. CARE MORE.#sorry. i'm angry. i am filled with rage. and it is mostly directed towards the white intellectual elite.#to anyone who is blindingly furious i see you and i am with you lmao.#to anyone that wants to say 'i told you so' you are so valid.#we keep going.#futhermore: 'it's only four years. we'll recover.' BITCH#ONLY four years? that's four years of DAMAGE that will really hurt people in the meantime#and set up a whole host of problems for the future! the courts my god.#four years of bullshit policy and shit we will have to spend years untangling just to get back to even thinking about making any progress
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craving validation from exactly the wrong person. slay
#bpd#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd feels#bpd vent#bpd mood#girl you can't just do this every time you want to talk to someone and they don't read your mind and text you#how to explain to people that i am not just insane in love relationships i'm insane about everyone i know and they are not an exception#baby i have wild and insane platonic abandonment issues too (friends with that guy again but we will absolutely never be as close as before)#codependent best friendship where other person gets pissy and decides not to be my friend all the time#losing my best friend over and over#sometiems bc i was being a bitch but sometimes bc i shared too much about my mental health or said the wrong thing#never knowing what the emotional support threshold is or what the new wrong thing could be#and i was insane and way too attached like codependence has such a nasty side when it's not mutual anymore#and i'm WORKING ON SHIT and taking my favorite people off their pedestals and blah blah blah#anyway guess that still has me fucked up
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really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no
#not even for a major thing!#barely setting a boundary even! just saying i don’t want to do smth!#asking me if i want to go for dinner one evening when he knows i work late most days and have said this for years - in fact said this exact#thing to him last week - so when i say no bc i finish late he just pushes and pushes#until im like this doesn’t work for me AND i hate eating out i dont want to go. just go with my brother that’s fine. and he’s suddenly#blunt as fuck in his messages leaving me on read or guilting me about the hours i work….. like get a fucking grip your over 50 bro#i try to be polite with it but he just gets in a fucking mood like please you are a Loser#i see you weekly (smth HE chose when i was a bairn) like im not making my job and life harder just bc you feel bad that you don’t see me#more often now#also i only hate eating out with him!! because it’s awkward!! i like to be in and out when i eat with friends and we’re all the same about#it bc we’re all very autistic lmaooo but with him he likes to chat and chat and chat which is fine but i don’t.. and he asks more personal#questions than when we’re just at his as if im gonna open up just bc we’re eating thai food 🙄🙄🙄🙄#like you Don’t get to know if im seeing anyone or if im queer or even if ive got fucking plans to go away with friends tbh#like deadbeat dads that try to emotionally manipulate their kids get minimal information actually !! 🤓☝️#stelle yaps#fuck sake#i knew he’d start doing this when my brother was back - he’s always played us off each other and he always gravitates towards whichever is#the ‘easiest’ child at the time which is my brother ever since i became an adult lmao#i just don’t tolerate his shit and i let him know it whereas e will play along#me and my dad are too similar in that we both know how to really cut deep in the other :/#it just all sucks#please please feel free to ignore#i just need to vent like hell bc he winds me up a treat so bad
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#i think sometimes i forget im like. allowed to be upset when major things happen to me#i keep being like “haha why do i feel so bad all the time all of a sudden?”#moron one of your pets died earlier this week#and its normal when other people are sad and get grief but also when i do it it's cringe#i genuinely think isat's helped me out a little bit bc it gave me siffrin who is. very much like me in a lot of ways#so now whenever im doing this i have to go “hey this is siffrin isat inner monologue. would you be upset with siffrin for this?”#and it's never anything i would be upset with siffrin isat over. which admittedly does help a bit#sorry for the vent im just. dfghjkl#cw pet death#tw pet death#vent post#sorry
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Selfshippers with "selfshippers DNI" in their bio make me laugh, but its like... an awkward laugh.
"How dare you love the same character i do. How dare you wish that the guy I SHIP WITH would love and support you 😤😤😤 HOW DARE YOU GET FANART WITH MY F/O!! HES MINE YOU CANT HAVE HIM!!"
Babe... go touch some grass and drink some water. Maybe you'll feel better. 😬
#mandie vents#i sigh.#the internal cringe I feel when a fellow self-shipper tries to rip me a new asshole for shipping with Law#you Law bitches are fucking CRAZY#like i would love to not feel uncomfortable on my own blog thanks.#just block me ? there doesnt need to be an interaction - you can just block me and not see my blog anymore ??#this is why its so hard to make friends in the self-shipper community. yall get all up in arms over your fictional other and act like#you fuckin own them or something.#actually makes my heart break and makes me sick to my stomach. why cant we just be friends...?
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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ugh. some thoughts.
really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.
hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.
I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.
I'm just . tired, I guess.
#spectre says#text post#negative#vent post#delete later#sorry#i probably shouldn't post this idk#tbh i know i've said this a million times but. even if i'm struggling to draw or whatever#i'm still open for asks. i want so badly to talk about my characters and the things i've been unable to explain through art#but i can't get my own thoughts together enough to know where to start with that in like. just a random post#and asks would be a great way for me to actually focus on one concept at a time based on whatever you guys are curious about#but i hate sounding like i'm begging for attention/interaction i just. genuinely don't know if anyone is interested otherwise#and if you guys do want to know more you HAVE to tell me directly#because vague forms of engagement are difficult for me to comprehend or read between the lines of#i can't read minds obviously ><;;#i know ask culture has changed a lot over the years tho and a lot of ppl don't like sending them out of being shy or whatever#which i understand#it's kind of an awkward form of engagement that no other site really has#so no pressure i'm just letting you know that I won't know if any of you guys are interested in learning more about my stuff#if i'm not told directly is all#anyway. tangent aside#its just been rough mentally my dudes. hopefully things clear up at some point and i won't feel so dead all the time#and actually have the mental clarity to continue drawing/writing like i used to again;;; God willing;;
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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