#all the interviews where they’ve said this is just the beginning makes me so happy and excited (and scared) for dnp 2.0

[blossoms-phan]

literally cannot believe when i think about it like the phagenda feels like it was yesterday and it was so exciting to get tickets and then the start of tour was less than 2 months away and then my show was 3 months away then 2 then 1 then 2 weeks then it came and it was the best day of my life and i was like omg there’s still 2 whole legs to go january is ages away and the last show is in febuary how cool who knows what’s going to happen in the world of dnp during this crazy time and then i blinked and there’s two shows left. like what the fuck

[justforbooks]

Martin Amis, the author of Money and London Fields, has died at the age of 73. Here are some of the most memorable quotes from interviews over the course of his career.

On writing

“What makes you a writer? You develop an extra sense that partly excludes you from experience. When writers experience things, they’re not really experiencing them anything like a hundred percent. They’re always holding back and wondering what the significance of it is, or wondering how they’d do it on the page.”

“I find that people take my writing rather personally. It’s interesting when you’re doing signing sessions with other writers and you look at the queues at each table and you can see definite human types gathering there … With Julian Barnes, his queue seemed to be peopled by rather comfortable, professional types. My queue is always full of, you know, wild-eyed sleazebags and people who stare at me very intensely, as if I have some particular message for them. As if I must know that they’ve been reading me, that this dyad or symbiosis of reader and writer has been so intense that I must somehow know about it.”

“To me it seems like a part-time job, really, in that writing from 11 to 1 continuously is a very good day’s work. Then you can read and play tennis or snooker. Two hours. I think most writers would be very happy with two hours of concentrated work.”

“Any smoker will sympathise when I say that after your first cup of coffee you have a sobbing, pleading feeling in the lungs as they cry out for their first cigarette of the day, and my desire to write is rather like that. It’s rather physical.”

“There are pains you have to go through when writing a novel. If I wrote a novel without that – where it was all flowing, from beginning to end – it would make me very suspicious. It has to have the admixture of pain. But otherwise it seems to me a hilariously enjoyable way of spending one’s time. Assigning life to all these propositions, and (usually) dreaming up people, rather than taking them from life.”

“I have no patience for anything experimental or obscure – above all, obscure. I have to know at all times exactly what’s going on. I’m very committed to the pleasure principle. You read literature to have a good time. Or why else would people go on doing it?”

On his father, Kingsley Amis

“He was brilliantly indolent: he never gave me any encouragement at all. I later realised how valuable and necessary that was.”

“I left the proofs [of The Rachel Papers] on his desk and went off on holiday. When I came back, he’d gone on holiday. But he left a brief, charming note saying he thought it was enjoyable and fun and all that. I think that was the last novel of mine he read all the way through.”

“I always thought if he had been born a generation later, he would have written my novels. And if I’d been born a generation earlier, I would have written his novels.”

On cancel culture

“Every fibre in my being resists. It’s a philistine manifesto. It’s anti-creativity. Appropriation means taking without permission – who do you ask permission of? It’s getting that way in every direction. I got bollocked for writing about the working classes in Lionel Asbo. But I’d been doing that since I started.”

On his comments about Islamism

“Well, there was an unpleasant flurry [at that time], and I certainly regretted having said what I said; already by mid-afternoon on that day I ceased to believe in what I said. Collective punishment is obviously ruled out by definition – it was the sort of thing you say towards the end of a long interview without really having time to clear it with yourself. But that never felt like a great convulsion in my life. One death threat and a lot of chat. It wasn’t much of a cancellation.”

On feminism

“I’ve been a passionate feminist since the mid-80s. It was Gloria Steinem who converted me in a single day in New York. It’s the rhetorical device she uses throughout, and it’s very effective: she just reverses the sexes – what if men menstruated, what if men had babies? It’s unanswerable.”

On politics

“I’m secure in my conviction that socialism doesn’t work, because it goes against human nature. The idea of people acting out of social altruism is not part of human nature. It’s an element in it, but it’s not a guiding principle. I’ve always been a gradualist.”

“One of the real truths of the 21st century, and earlier, is that history is speeding up. We’re all on a sort of rollercoaster now. There are existential threats that weren’t fully acknowledged not so long ago. We are sort of hurtling forward. It’s more of a task to ask people to slow down.”

Remembering Christopher Hitchens

“He had a greater love of life than me. He really enjoyed everything, so much. I quite like life, but I’m not as crazy about it as he was. It somehow formulated itself in me that, now he was dead, it was my job to love life as much as he did.”

“Christopher was a real contrarian. One of things I’m proud of is that friendship. We never had even the slightest froideur about disagreements. I think it’s a good rule never to lose a friend over an argument. Never get into these sincerity contests: “I feel so strongly about this that I never want to see you again.” Rubbish. I disagreed with Hitchens violently over literary things as well as political things. But it never got to the point of raised voices. That’s partly because real friendship is rare, particularly male friendship.”

On ageing

“My father said to me that when a writer of 25 puts pen to paper he’s saying to the writer of 50 that it’s no longer like that, it’s like this. The older writer, at some point, is going to lose touch with what the contemporary moment feels like, although some writers do amazing jobs, Saul Bellow being a good example.”

“I feel I’m only going to write short stories and novellas from now on. Chekhov said, toward the end of his life, “Everything I read strikes me as not short enough.” And I agree.”

“In the old days it came quicker, the prose. Now it’s a battle. It’s not about coming up with striking adverbs, it’s more about removing as many uglinesses as I can find.”

“I don’t want this to get out of control or I’ll be drowning in schmaltz, but it all starts to look very beautiful now that I know I’m not going to be around indefinitely. You know, the way that to a prisoner condemned to death, water tastes delicious, the air tastes sweet, a bread-and-butter sandwich makes tears spring to the eye.”

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at http://justforbooks.tumblr.com

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1994 So far we’ve had 3 trick or treaters. I’ve been giving them Reese’s and Milky Ways.

Larry called a little while ago and we had a nice chat. I even talked to Sandy. They’re both happy I’m happy.

He’s no longer driving so he can spend more time with the family. He’s driving a gasoline truck locally. He said one of these days they’ll all get out here, Sandy’s never been here and that when we come to visit we can stay with them. He says he misses his little sister.

We each told each other a joke and when I asked what Larry and Jenny were dressing up as he said “assholes.” Then he told me she was a cat. They’ve had over 150 kids. Wow!

I brought up the pie incident that happened years ago where Larry dropped a whole pie all over the living room carpet. Sandy wasn’t too happy, but Larry, the kids, and I were cracking up. He said they were just talking about that a few days ago.

Now that he’ll be home, I wonder if he’ll go see Tammy.

Andy went to 6 restaurants today but had no luck so far. He has another interview tonight at 8:00, so hopefully, he’ll luck out.

After I fill up tons of no-postage-necessary envelopes, I’ll give them to him to mail out since we live in a house and they can be easily traced to us.

I did a hell of a lot around the house today. I vacuumed, dusted, rearranged, cleaned the kitchen, worked out, and am really making a point to smoke outside.

When Tom came home we made dinner. He barbecued steak and I fried hash browns.

Tomorrow I might go to the racetrack with him and his parents.

I learned a few new things on the computer, but I’ll explain it later. Now that we got the other monitor back from Eldon, he’s going to put together that second computer.

I just wrote down some questions to ask Tammy so we can send games. Tomorrow I’ll mail out Bill’s birthday card so he’ll have it by the 8th.

Later…

Well, we’ve had way more than 4 trick or treaters now. More like 20-30. We only have 9 candy bars left, so after 1 more ring of the doorbell, I’ll shut the light off, hook the screen, and whatever’s left over will be ours.

I’m recording a movie right now and sitting in the living room so I can hear the door. I just hooked the screen and turned the outside light off, speaking of it, as 3 more kids came. We’ve got 6 candy bars left for us and we turned the living room and kitchen lights off, as Tom’s in the back room and I’m in my room. Even though my room is at the front of the house, they’ll never notice it as I’ve got those soundproofing things up along with tin foil behind it.

I don’t know if I’ll be continuing on with my subindex in #81. Maybe I’ll work on that later.

Tom showed me how to search for certain words in a document. When doing my journals, I can cap anything after a question mark or an exclamation mark but not the first letter of a word that begins a paragraph. However, if they’re names I use, I don’t need to bother to cap it cuz I’m going to cap all the names afterward anyhow. That’s another thing I learned. I can take all the Tammys or Andys and cap them all. The only other thing I don’t need to cap that begin paragraphs are words like, I’ll, I’m, I’d, cuz the spell check will tell me to cap those anyway.

Later…

There are still some trick-or-treaters out as I can hear dogs. The blessing of it is, though, that they’re off in the distance. Inside the house it’s quiet, the dog next door’s not out and there are no dogs across the street right in front of us.

I’m still debating on whether or not to do the rest of the subindex. It’d be nice to have but not worth the pain of doing it. Anyway, I’ve got through the rest of this book and the next to decide if I want to continue it. I highly doubt I will, though. I’ll at least have the worst parts of my life done in the subindex. All the Springfield, S. Deerfield and Norwich books. In other words, all the MA and CT books.

I also hooked up an old phone of mine that I believe I had on Oswego St. The living room speakerphone had a dual-jack connector, so I hooked it up so there are two phones in the living room till Tom goes into the attic and runs the phone, audio and video wires. This way we can both talk to my parents, Tammy, Andy or whoever.

I jokingly asked Tom if he thought Larry was Andy and he said he thought it was Fran for a second. Yeah, I can see how he might have thought Larry was Fran. They both have deep voices.

There sure are a lot of helicopters out there. One was shining its light down, so they could’ve been looking for someone.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1994 Yesterday we went out and I got Gloria’s oldies CD. Most of the songs on it I never really liked, but her singing was good and the picture of her on the cover’s nice. Her hair’s growing out again and it’s straighter. I’ve heard all the songs that are on it. I mean, I at least knew of all the songs. There are a couple of upbeat disco ones that I like. Tom likes most of the ones I don’t.

I finished Tom’s 50 tips in Windows & DOS, saved it and printed it out. He oughta be quite happy with it.

Last night I tried to print pictures with the new color ribbon and there’s a problem with the 8” and up pictures. I also learned how to change ribbons. When you stick a color ribbon in the printer, you have to tell the printer there’s a color ribbon in it. All you do is hit two buttons. One says “install” and the other says “color ribbon.”

Hang on and let me go get a smoke. Then, I’ll tell you about Andy and our (Tom & I) talk to my parents.

Later…

Back again. I stopped also to sew the strap on my red lace and chiffon and satin nightie. Also, a white lace pair of panties. Very hard to sew.

Gosh, my handwriting’s a nightmare today.

Anyway, Andy quit Denny’s. He just got fed up with his bitch manager named Linda. So fed up, that this was the first time he quit a job before finding another. Later, I’ll call him to see if he found another one. He was going through today’s paper when we talked earlier.

Yesterday my parents called and Tom answered. My mom started off by saying, “Hi Tom. Do you know who this is?”

Tom guessed Andy and could only pick up on the definite Eastern accent and Ma said something like, “I hope not.”

Tom explained how Andy sometimes disguises his voice. After, Tom said he hoped no one was offended but I’m sure she was cracking up over it.

So they talked about Tom’s job and the main reason they were calling was cuz I said in my letter that I may not be able to call them on the day of my surgery. I guess I forgot to say that Tom will call for me if I can’t. Tom’s going to call them from the hospital during surgery. I had thought one of us would call from here after surgery, but that’s cool.

When Mom asked me if I was learning to cook, Tom jokingly said I was learning how to watch him. Then I told her how I always make his lunch for work and we take turns cooking here. She knows we mainly do microwave stuff and don’t cook every day. Then Ma said Dad doesn’t like her to cook for him every day and I said that’s cuz she burns everything. Dad agreed. Dad said Gloria was there cooking and that she was a lousy cook.

Later…

I just talked to Tammy who wants me to ask Tom if we can copy any games and put Windows on her computer somehow.

Tom’s home now and we’re going to play around in a few. He got our other monitor back from Eldon and soon I’ll have a computer in my room. He really loved how I typed up those tips. They’re fancy, yet very professional looking.

I made him this week’s lunch sandwiches and stuck them in the freezer.

We’re going to send Tammy and Bill and the girls’ computer games, but first I’ll have to call Tammy to see what kind of processor, monitor, etc. she has.

I still haven’t called Andy, but I will later. I still have to tell him how Tom thought mom was him.

This Wednesday we’re going to the Arizona state fair. Can’t wait. The day before he’s going to go to the racetrack to hopefully win money so we’ll have more to take to the fair with us.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1994 Today my period hit full blast. I think it was the water pills that delayed it those couple of days.

Last night Tom set the computer to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. This makes it quicker and easier to use different fonts. He still needs to set it to cap after a question mark and an exclamation mark, and the beginnings of paragraphs. This way all I have to cap are the i’s and names of people and places. When I go to use the spell check, it corrects i’m into I’m and i’ll into I’ll and stuff like that. He says there’s a way to set the paragraphs. I’ll have to have him show me that and also how to print out envelopes.

Got a Bob letter today and now I’m going to go see if I can get ahold of Kim.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1994 Happy 7th year anniversary to these journals!

This is day two of being late with my period. I called Tammy and told her how I felt like I was going to get it and she said she felt like she was going to get her period too, before she got pregnant. I told her I didn’t want to jump the gun, but that if I did ever find out I was pregnant for sure, I wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad. She said that’d be stupid and that I didn’t have to take any shit from them if they gave us any. Of course, we wouldn’t. She suggested I get an over-the-counter pregnancy test which you can use as soon as you’re only 1 day late. She said she had bad morning sickness with Lisa and it was mild with Becky and Sarah. I forgot the name of it, but she said she has something that numbed her downstairs and they made an incision. Yeah, I’ve heard of that. She didn’t have the shot they give you in the spine. She said it hurts but is worth it.

Again I reminded her that he doesn’t cum and asked her if the chances of me getting pregnant were close to none. She said no. Even though my periods have been normal for quite some time, my body’s entitled to some imperfection, so I may not be. If I am, then that’s just truly amazing for it to be that easy to conceive without the guy cumming. Especially being a DES daughter and thank fucking God I didn’t get pregnant those few other times when guys came. If I am, I believe Tom when he says he’d be as happy as I’d be, but I still have my usual fears and a million questions. Will I have a miscarriage or die having it, if I can have it naturally? Will it ruin what Tom and I have? Can we really afford it? How will my parents react? Will I truly be able to be a good mother and deal with it? Will I be forever fat and a major turn-off to Tom? He’s always been there and true to his word when he said he’d be a good husband. I know he’d be a good father, but what if deep down inside he doesn’t want to have a kid, even though he says he does? What if he’s wrong about saying it won’t ruin us, I can handle it, I won’t turn him off, I will survive it and I won’t be forever fat?

Well, this is only my second day of missing my period, so we’ll wait and see. Thankfully, Tammy was encouraging. She didn’t say shit like, “Why now? Are you sure you want this and are prepared to handle it? What about your surgery?”

Tom says surgery should be no problem in the 1st trimester, but if I have to postpone it, I will. I’ve already been like this for 29 years. If I am pregnant, I will surely want to keep it. It’d be hard to consider abortion even if Tom got on his knees and begged me to, but I know he’d never do that. He’s never fooled me yet, but I know some people can suddenly fool you. I hope he’s happy if I am, though I still have a feeling a kid was never meant to be.

Last night I told Tom I was excited, yet nervous about Kim’s visit and he said he could understand that. Should I cancel her from coming here if I am, so we don’t end up in a fight where he wants to leave me?

Later…

No, I am not pregnant. I just had some spotting. Tammy said she didn’t have that and doesn’t know if it’s possible. Well, like I said, it’s possible for someone to get pregnant if the guy doesn’t cum, but I think it’s very unlikely. Plus, we don’t qualify to be parents. We’re not druggies or assholes. The ironic thing if it was, though, when I was wondering was what Bob said in his letter. He said, “It won’t be long now, will it? Do I know something you don’t? Maybe I do. Who knows?”

I have only a few more pages to type up of Journal #18, but my disk might be screwed up. Tom said not to worry and that all he’d have to do is give me a new disk. Meanwhile, I typed up some tips for him on Windows & DOS from a magazine he wanted to be typed up.

When I read back on Maliheh, I couldn’t believe how vague and shitty a writer I was. I failed to write how she asked me to dance with her the second we met, and she shook my hand. And also, how she kissed me as I was leaving.

Later…

Well, I just got to see another 18-year-old violent, doped-up pregnant girl on a talk show. Now I’ll go continue with Tom’s tip list. I also made up what we call a master copy grocery list.

Got a letter from Kim and typed a reply back. Out of those 50 tips, I have 15 done. Later or tomorrow I’ll type to Bob.

I still have a spot here and there, so I’m 100% sure that tomorrow I’ll have my period full force.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1994 We went to play miniature golf yesterday. It was lots of fun. Just as beautiful as I remembered, and it was peacefully dead. We also played some games in the arcade and Tom won me a stuffed Harley Davidson dog.

When we got home yesterday, I got a Bob letter and talked to Andy. At first he got tons of calls from guys who were mainly losers and now the calls are dwindling. Yup, that’s how it usually works.

I made 3 calendars on the computer for 1995. A copy in each bedroom and one for the back room.

Yesterday we began making a new period chart, but we ran into trouble. We’ll get it done soon, though.

Tom went over to work on David and Evie’s computer.

This morning before work we had some fun. We tried it with me on top again. That’s getting so much easier now too, and I require less and less lubrication. It’s been a while now since I’ve felt sexually deprived and I don’t miss that at all. It’s a good feeling to feel sexually fulfilled.

I was due today for my period, but it looks like this month I’ll be a day late like last month. I can feel it coming on. Well, sort of. My pre-cramps aren’t that bad at all, but the way my boobs feel is another thing. Those don’t feel too bad either, but I’ll be waking up with it tomorrow.

I typed letters to Tammy and my parents and now I’m going to go eat, then maybe work some more on my subindex.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1994 Yesterday I fell asleep at 4 PM. At 8 PM, I woke up sneezing my ass off for a few minutes. Thank God I fell back asleep till 3 AM, cuz at 10 AM we are going to Castles & Coasters to play miniature golf. I can’t wait. I love miniature golf, that place is gorgeous and we’re overdue for doing something fun.

I also laid out in the sun yesterday for a whole hour just to get no color.

Got the times of all my appointments, too. On 12/5 I forgot my pre-op appointment at 9:30 AM. On 12/6 I have the surgery at 7:30 AM, but we have to be there at 6 AM. On 12/20 I go for my post-op appointment.

Just 15 more days till Kim arrives. I’m psyched but so nervous about it. Please, God, don’t let this cause a major fight between Tom and me!

I’m doing a few loads of laundry now and soon I’m going to make calendars for ‘95 on the computer.

A couple of nights ago when I was talking to Andy, he gave me his sister Marla’s number in CA in case of an emergency. He also tells me for example, “The guy’s message I’m seeing tonight is the third message, just in case of any trouble, cuz you never know.”

For the sake of curiosity, I called Springfield Information to see if I could get Nervous’s new address. Sure enough, he’s at Avon Place. That’s on the south end/downtown line. It’s a scummy area, but slightly better than Pearl St. He and Crystal probably got a 1-bedroom apartment I’ll bet it’s $500 or more. If one of them splits, the other’s going to have a hell of a time paying all the expenses on their own.

I don’t know if I forgot to mention this, or not, but about a week ago I called and played a clip of the edits. I was intending to leave it on their machine which they do have, but she answered. She listened to the whole thing, but that was great cuz it was her that I wanted to hear it. That was her first time ever hearing the edits, I believe.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1994 NOTE: I identify as bisexual and Andy identifies as gay. Making private cracks about Margaret's appearance had nothing to do with homophobia.

Tom couldn’t sleep, so he just got up a little while ago.

What I went to do earlier was sort the tools. I did about an hour’s worth of sorting and rearranging. I made this week’s lunches for Tom too, and talked with Andy.

He called me up in a so-so mood, but I sure as hell got him laughing his ass off. He was telling me how he got a call from a guy who read his ad and the guy claimed to be straight looking. The second Andy saw the guy, he thought, “Yeah, right. Who the hell ever told this guy he looked straight?!”

I told him how he may have to go through shit like that for a while. Guys will say they look straight and people will give bogus phone numbers.

What really cracked him up was when I told him about that butch Margaret who came up for one night from Westerly, RI. I first talked to her through the 900#.

I told Andy not to be too nice, and to play the same game as everyone else played. Be blunt and don’t give a shit if anyone mistakes your honesty for rudeness.

So anyway, I was telling him how when I was talking to Margaret she said, “My sister’s so feminine. She’s got all kinds of makeup and perfume and jewelry on her dresser in her room. All I have on my dresser is a bottle of deodorant.”

That’s when the buzzer went off and I said, “Wait a minute, I smell butch here.”

He was totally laughing his ass off over that one.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1994 Tom got up a little while ago, and in an hour or so he’ll be off to work.

He went down on me which I really needed. I’m so horny before my period.

I made us pork chops and tater tots.

Yesterday we laid down the tracks for My Time Has Come. It’s so awesome to be able to walk up to a computer, hit a button and it’ll play the music to my song.

I also did quite a bit of work on my journal subject index (subindex). I’m up to 14 and am using book #81 for it. I’ve got 20 pages done already. Soon I’ll work more on it.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now.

I forgot to mention another sexual first. At least I think I forgot to. We were lying in bed when he got on top of me and was able to go right in without even guiding it in.

He says sometimes he feels it’d be nice to have a kid in 9 months to 2 years from now. I sometimes feel it’d be nice to have it now, in a few years, and even never.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1994 Andy called, so I’d gotten cut off in my last entry. Then I watched a little TV, fried chicken, and did dishes.

As I was saying, I was rather bummed that I couldn’t have surgery in Nov. However, Tom reassured me that this would be good cuz work will be slower for him in December, and starting this Saturday, we can lay down some tracks to record My Time Has Come, my signature song, so to speak. It’s just amazing how I’ve got someone here with whom I can combine my dreams. He’s got what I want which is the background/behind-the-scenes know-how. I got what he wants which is a way to promote his programs. All this combined gives us what we want. To do what we both love to do while earning great money. We’re hoping to have the equipment, make the master CD, make tons of copies, and distribute them by early ‘95.

He also mentioned me maybe getting pregnant in early ‘95, too. He said it’s better not to now, due to the surgery, of course, but that if I were, it wouldn’t hurt it as I’d only be in the 1st trimester. True, but I’ll definitely have my period around the 26th when I’m due for it. My boobs aren’t sore, I haven’t had any pre-cramps, but I am slightly watery. I took a water pill earlier.

It took 511 minutes to type journal 17. Wow! That’s only about 8½ hours.

Minnie called at 7:00 last night, but I was still asleep. Tom answered, but she didn’t leave a message.

Tomorrow night Andy and I may go to the mountain.

He’s pretty bummed lately, but hopeful. His ad in the Echo magazine should be out anytime now and he really wants to meet someone bad. He wishes to hell he could have someone like Tom and be like me where he doesn’t have to work or worry about food or money. Or health benefits, as he doesn’t have any.

Monday after 11 AM, I have to call Jackie to get the times I’m supposed to go for my pre-op and surgery. Also, to get a date and time for a follow-up. First she had to give me the dates the doctor was available, then check things out with the hospital. Those dates are OK with the doctor and the hospital, but now we have to get the times. She said they usually like to schedule surgery at 7 AM and have their patients arrive there at about 6 AM.

I called Tammy and let her know, then I called my parents. They weren’t home, so I left a message.

Later…

Last night I began redoing my medley. I like this one a lot better. I’m making sure I keep the songs much shorter. I don’t feel like doing any more editing now of any kind, but perhaps I’ll work on my subindex.

It’s kind of awkward to hold the book on my lap while I type in notes, and the book’s too heavy and big for the music stand. Therefore, I’ll put it against the headboard and do it here in bed where it’s more comfortable. I’ll write my notes in here which probably won’t make much sense till it’s all typed up. Actually, I’m only typing notes. I intend to write to them all in their own journal. It’d be neat to have a journal that’s an index, listing all the important topics that are in each journal. However, I may wish to look up and trace down something of non-importance, too. Well, I’ll do my best. I’m going to refer to my typed-up journals. It’s a lot easier to have a notebook (3-ring), spread out, rather than several journals.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1994 Today’s been a very dull day. I called to schedule my surgery, but Jackie, the only one who schedules surgery wasn’t there. I have to call back tomorrow at 10:00.

I meant to say yesterday was a dull day. Especially cuz I slept through most of it.

Today I got 2 letters from Bob and 1 from Alex. I hope Kim got her copy of the article from Minnie, as I just sent mine to Bob. He asked for it cuz he hasn’t seen it. He’s going to be pretty pissed. If not, she’ll be here soon, so I’ll let her read the article I copied.

I finished filling up the pages that were available in 75 with letters, so now I’ll fill the remaining 60 pages or so in #7. After that, they’ll go in a box. It’s the box that the CD/tape/radio boom box came in that’s in the back room right by the computer.

Later…

I did a few things during the night. I did dishes, typed letters, typed more of #17, and drew a full-page picture of a lady’s face. It’s only so-so.

Tom showed me a new game called Nibbles, which I call Nipples. It’s where you drive this snake, that’s really a colored line, with the arrow keys and try to get it to eat as many numbers as possible without it crashing into the sides of the screen.

I wish it were 10:00 in the morning!

Tom mentioned us playing Cruel card game when he gets up and also us having some fun. I hear him snoring. Fine from another room, but thankfully not next to me. Yes, I wish we could sleep together, but then again, no I do not cuz it’d never work out. Perhaps someone on Navane or another heavy sleeper such as he is, but not me.

My surgery’s set for December 6th and the day before I’ll have a pre-op appointment. At first I was really bummed as

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1994 I wish it’d hurry up and be 8 AM! They left a message today while Tom was out with his parents at the racetrack and I was asleep, for me to call to schedule surgery. I hope to hell it’ll be real soon. I’m anxious and can’t wait to get this over with.

Tom said after surgery we’ll discuss quitting smoking, singing, and having a kid. He’s funny at times, cuz the other day I got that so-called feeling which may very well have meant nothing, he said, “Well, I thought that’s what you wanted,” yet now we have to discuss it? Well, I do understand cuz I’m like that a lot, too. I asked what there was to discuss about it and he said, “How, when, and the details.” Well, I can answer the how. If my DES or fate hasn’t sterilized me, he sticks it in there and lets himself cum.

He still feels if I was pregnant my parents would be very happy. I feel they’d be pissed and try to lecture me, but you just never know. They’ve been known to surprise me a few times in the past.

His mom gave me a quilt today. It’s just my size too, made to cover my height.

Andy and that girl Karson left a message earlier which I’ll tape for editing. I haven’t been in the mood yet to edit or redo my medley.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 1994 Now to comment on Bob’s article. Well, it’s still all too hard to believe as it would be if it were about Tom, my parents, or my sister. He couldn’t bar anyone from coming or leaving anywhere. The man’s a total wimp. The only thing I buy is his allowing these girls alcohol. A troubled teen is likely to beg for that and he’s a sucker who can’t put his foot down. The porno movies are a maybe. If a girl begged to see it that saw it lying around, then yeah, I can see him giving in. As for dying his hair. He just doesn’t have so much extra money or the know-how enough to do so. Also, he’s sent regular pictures of himself all the while I’ve been here as his hair grew longer and longer and it was always gray. Too soon for him to have cut off all the dye and regrown his hair. He sent a picture from prison a few months ago with it quite long and gray.

If someone says to a person, “Get alcohol, then pay for it,” it seems to me the person could say, “No, I won’t,” and walk away. That 16 and 17-year-old girl they mentioned was Minnie, according to what she herself told me, and she was actually 18 at the time.

Lastly, it’s ridiculous to not let him own a car cuz a real rapist will try to round up his victims anyway, anyhow, and anywhere he can.

Later…

I forgot to mention one other thing I sewed together. A magazine rack for Tom when he’s in the bathroom taking a dump.

Last night I began doing something on the computer. A subject index of each journal. I was going to do this a while back but didn’t. Well, it’ll take forever, no doubt, but that’s OK. There’s no hurry.

Later…

For the sake of curiosity, I made a list of the states I’ve been to and flown over.

I’ve flown over: New Mexico, Colorado, Oklahoma, Indiana, and Kansas.

I’ve been to: Massachusetts, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Vermont, Maine, New Jersey, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New York, Maryland, W. Virginia, Tennessee, Rhode Island, Louisiana, Missouri, Ohio, Texas, Arizona, Nevada, Illinois, Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Arkansas, Virginia, Delaware, Kentucky, S. Carolina, N. Carolina.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1994 Well, well, well. Life’s still full of surprises. Instead of sending me a photocopy of the article, Minnie typed it up on her computer. I didn’t even think she had a computer, but ours is nicer. She doesn’t have any fancy fonts, but that’s OK. By hand, she wrote me a letter. She has nice handwriting, too. I copied it into 75.

Tom was laughing at how she said she’d send me a picture of her at her prom as if we were old buddies. He said he hopes I write back. I did right after I read her letter and the article.

Then, she called and I told her that at first I honestly thought she was full of it. I told that to Bob too, so I’ll have to tell him how I thought wrong. She says she’s sending Kim a copy, too. She’ll appreciate that.

This evening I used old sheets, foam, etc., to make a regular size pillow for the living room. It serves two purposes. One, for it you’re lying on the couch watching the tube. The other’s for Tom to kneel on when we’re doing it on the couch.

I also made him an eyeglass case. He wears his glasses while he’s cleaning out his contacts. I used a white sheet for this, then drew on it an “I Luv U” heart as well as a teddy bear.

Got the Bob article. One thing I can say is that I felt the same way reading it as I did when I read about myself in the paper when I got in trouble in S. Deadfield. A good 95% of it was bullshit.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1994 Last Friday night Andy and I were out from 10 PM-midnight. Tom gave me $9 and we stopped at Circle K and got munchies. We went right to the same spot as we did in the summer of ‘92. That area and Camelback Mountain are really awesome. I saw the praying monk again in the mountain as well as the upside-down face. At one point I said to Andy, “I wonder if one of these houses could belong to the doctor who’s going to do my ear soon?”

I hope his office calls tomorrow for an appointment.

Mary gave us a sewing machine and Marjorie’s going to help us with it.

Tomorrow I have letters to go out to Tammy, Mom and Dad, Kim and Bob. I’m sure I’ll hear from Bob tomorrow.

Yesterday we had some great sex. There’s no pain or pressure at all and I almost came. I cum almost every time he goes down there, but I have yet to cum by him in there. I’m getting closer, so now I can really see and understand where he’s “cumming” from on this issue.

Yesterday I finished typing up 15, so now I’ve got a total of 28 journals typed up. They all total 200 pages. That’s so few pages for so many journals, huh?

Later…

I took out my portable heater, and it does a good job of taking the chill out of the air. It’s cool and raining right now. Now’s the worst time in AZ for people with allergies and asthma. I’ve had a few sneezing spells, but it’s not even close to the misery I suffered back east. Soon the plants with lots of pollen will be going dormant.

I could redo my medley now, but I don’t really feel like it, so I guess I’ll go type up more of #17. That’s the one I’m currently typing. Later!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1994 Last night I couldn’t fall asleep till around 3 AM. I was just so psyched up cuz of yesterday. I talked to Andy today who was so happy that I was going to “see” out of two ears.

He’s just been hanging out doing his own thing. He’s been feeling bored, lonely and hopeless. Tonight we may get together and go to Camelback Mountain. This way I can help motivate him and for old traditional time’s sake, it’ll be fun. We haven’t done this since shortly after I got here in ‘92. He’ll sit outside on the trunk probably, and do an “interview,” while I’ll be in the car doing my thing.

I think I remembered to write all there is to tell about my ear surgery.

Last night Tom and I were on my bed trying out different positions when I suddenly had a weird feeling come over me. One that felt there was a chance one could get away, if you know what I mean, and get me pregnant. I don’t know why. I know the chances are possible, but I think they’d be extremely low cuz I’m a DES daughter and he doesn’t cum. So then he said, “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Well, it is. I just didn’t think he was ready cuz it’s not ‘96, we’re going into business, I’m having surgery, and I didn’t want to push him. He said he’s always known the possibility is there, he’s not worried and I can’t control him. I wasn’t trying to control him, but now I know not to worry if I do or don’t get any weird feelings. Plus, since I’ve been here, I’ve gone from an 80% accuracy to a 5% accuracy on the so-called things I feel.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1994 Yes! I’m going to hear out of two ears! I’m so psyched and I have so much to write on the subject. The doctor (Dr. Nielsen) didn’t at all look like I expected. He wasn’t an older, gray-haired guy. He was of middle age. Tom made a good point saying he was old enough to have experience but young enough to have a steady hand. The first thing he said to me was that if he had to choose from a number of people to do this surgery on, it’d be me. We haven’t gotten a date yet, but they’ll be calling soon. We think and hope it’ll be before the year’s out. Maybe even before Thanksgiving, which is on the 24th.

The CT scan looks really good and he’s going to do the skin graft under my arm. He’s almost positive I’ll be able to hear and the risks are only 3% - 5%. He’s going to go in right where the canal’s supposed to be, then find the bone and follow it till he comes across the facial nerve. That he’ll steer clear away from that, naturally.

He even told us why I was born with no ear. He says that when you’re an embryo, your ear canal forms, then closes, then reforms. Mine never reformed. The inner ear did, but not the outer ear.

The operation should only last 3 hours and I should be able to go home that day. There’s only a 10% chance that I’ll have to stay overnight. There’s a 60% chance I’ll have to have another operation in 6 months to a year. Instead of having bandages all over my head, I’ll only have like a huge cotton ball in that area.

The other reason I’m having this operation is just as important as getting hearing and that’s due to the sensitivity I’ve had. He has two theories about why it’s been so sensitive since around 1988. One’s cuz of lots of skin. Your skin on your hand, for example, sheds and regrows. Same with the inner ear, but there’s no place it can shed. He said this commonly takes years after surgery to slowly build up. His other theory is cuz of nerves being cut due to so many surgeries, they grow nodules on the ends of them, causing pain. This also takes years of slowly building up.

It’ll be here in Phoenix next to the regular doctor’s offices at Good Samaritan Hospital. No having to drive 3 hours in the snow like we would to Boston in the mid-70s. Also, no big bandages that go around most of my head where I look like a mummy. For two weeks after surgery, I’ll have to lay really low, then go back to be sure the skin graft took well and that there are no infections. Speaking of infections, he says there could be and could’ve been a low-grade infection going on for quite a while. It made us wonder about that cuz almost all my medical reports tell me I have a high white blood cell count. Surely there are plenty of smokers who don’t get all the infections I did. Especially back east. Plus, I do get dizzy, sluggish, and feverish feeling. Not a lot but enough of the time.

He will have to shave just a really tiny amount of my hair by the frame. That’s OK. They did that in Boston and it was no big deal and didn’t look funny. Not with all this long thick hair.

While I’m so flattered and honored to have Tom be so excited too, it really makes me hate the government even more. Cuz I was on Medicaid and Medicare, and if it were infected, it could’ve eventually killed me as doctors of low-income people could really care less for the most part. Dr. Nielsen said it will no doubt get worse, too.

When we came home, I called my parents who were very happy for me.

Tammy’s really pissed and depressed now, so I typed her a letter so she can read it at her own leisure. I also typed to Mom and Dad and Kim and Bob.

Tom called his mom, as well as Mary. I left Andy a message, but I haven’t heard from him for several days now, so who knows what he’s been up to? I do have more to write about, but it’s been a long day and I’m exhausted.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1994 God, I feel so sluggish today. Well, maybe it’s cuz I only slept about 6 hours or so. I’m a little bored, even though I’ve done stuff and have more to do.

These are some of the times when I think a kid would be nice. Last night at the mall, which I’ll get to later, made me glad I have no kid. That and how horrible Tammy and others said it was. Despite it all, though, I’ve written off both me and Tom as sterile, until and unless I see differently. I know he likes things the way they are, but maybe in a year or so I’ll suggest that he see a doctor and make sure nothing’s wrong if he really can’t cum. He might be very embarrassed about seeing a doctor, though. Hey, at least he’ll never have to deal with GYNs.

Yesterday Tom was out all day fixing Eldon’s computer. He also took his parents to the racetrack.

Yesterday his mom also fixed one of my favorite skirts that my dad got me. In 1989, Dad took me to get it at Steiger’s in Longmeadow. The waistband was messed up, but she did a wonderful job fixing it. I called her this morning and thanked her and we got to chatting for about 10 minutes or so. She’s got a great memory too, and asked if I was all psyched for tomorrow. Oh, yeah! And I got up at 8:30 today, so there’ll be no problem sleeping tonight. She said she had a doll my skirt would fit on it’s so small and to call her if I had any questions about making quilts. I also was talking to her about music and journal writing. She asked if we had a budding young author here. Nope. It’s just a hobby I do for fun and if that’s ever to change, I don’t know about it yet.

Tom wants me to go through some books to pick out some things to maybe sell called origami. You make things out of paper, like animals, flowers, castles, etc. There was the one where you do the months if you want to make a calendar. I tried October but I really need thicker paper. Something in between paper and cardboard.

Yesterday I got 2 letters from Bob. One was 6 pages, the other was 1.

Kim called last night while we were at the mall. She was bored, still sick with a cold. It was 31º there last night!

At about 6 PM last night was when we went to the mall. We made a ring payment, and he got a computer book. I got a killer deep purple shirt that’s like a T-shirt, but the shoulders are cut out. It’s quite sexy. I got an Indian-like beaded barrette and 3 chokers. They were on sale for only $3 apiece. I got a big bottle of detangler which my hair really needed, and two bottles of lotion. There’s this really neat place called Potions & Lotions where they mix up the fragrance you choose, how strong you want it and what color you want it. You can also get cheaper refills of any fragrance. I got Nilla Musk in green and Nature Scent in pink.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1994 I vacuumed and then mopped the kitchen floor. It really needed it.

I typed up a letter for Bob, as well as the song titles on my medley. The more I hear the medley, the more I don’t like it. Some songs are too long and some have chosen parts I wish I didn’t choose. I’m going to do it again sometime soon and I’ll probably redo Gloria’s medley, too.

I quickly talked to Tammy and I left Andy a message.

It’s gorgeous out today. It’s in the mid-90s and it’s supposed to be that way all week. It’s a bummer, though, cuz the pool’s ice cold.

Kim called last night and still plans to be here in November. She was psyched to hear about my ear, and has a bad cold now.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9, 1994 Just as I was going to write, Tom came home from work with groceries and with guess what else? A humongous package of all different kinds of pens. There were highlighters and all different kinds of regular pens. Also, the perfect drawing pencils. The kind you click and the lead moves down, so you don’t have to sharpen it. I have 5 of these kinds that all write in black, but the pen turns colors as your fingers grip them. This one’s purple, but changes to pink where your fingertips are.

Later…

Tom and I had a really cool talk the other day. He assured me that everyone’s different and that if he were feeling sexually deprived and unfulfilled in any way, he’d tell me. He reminded me that things didn’t change with me for a long time at one point. Neither one of us ever thought he’d make it in there. I realize now that I shouldn’t be impatient with him and expect him to cum if he doesn’t want to. Andy says he can’t see how he can be satisfied without being able to or allowing himself to cum. Maybe most people can’t get by without cumming, but everyone’s different and again, I believe him when he tells me he’s happy. I told him I wouldn’t try to change him cuz he’s never tried to change me or expect anything of me that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do. I did comment on how it would prevent us from getting pregnant, but he said it wouldn’t. He sounded very sure of that. He’s just waiting till we’re ready for a kid, I think. That’s cool cuz right now we have two things on our minds. Getting me to hear out of both ears and going into business.

He says he’s planning on releasing our first program for sale on November 1st. The picture-printing program. By December 1st he wants to have me sing and record a song. Every Wednesday or so I fill in stuff on the computer calendar that either one of us or both of us have to do. He suggested this as I’m way more organized.

Later…

Right now Tom is napping on my bed. Luckily this bed is wide enough so I can still stretch out and have plenty of room.

Tomorrow there’s no mail cuz of Columbus Day. Or is it Memorial Day? Whatever. I’ve got letters typed up to my parents, Tammy, Kim, and I’ll do Bob’s soon. I’ll mail them out on Tues., though.

I think I’ve pretty much covered all that’s been going on. So, I guess I’ll go do some computer work right now.

Later…

Boy, Tom’s pretty entertaining to observe when he sleeps. I just walked into the room and he said about 3 words I couldn’t make out, then something that sounded like, “Talking to another.” Then, “OK.” Then, “I can handle it.” Then, “Mhm.”

Now I’m using another one of the color-changing pens. I believe there are 5 of them in all, even though they all write in black as I said before. This one goes from a regular shade of green to lime green. Sort of a yellowish-green where I’m holding the pen.

I did some journal typing, as Tom fixed the B drive. I also cooked up some creamy garlic noodles and some spaghetti.

I took the foam mattress off the waterbed cuz I’m sick of it bunching up on me. I’ll wait till I get a king-size one. I also turned the waterbed heater on. In a week or two we’ll be turning on the wall heaters. I’ll also get my little portable one out of my closet.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1994 Things have been great. Today, I not only typed up all my 13 songs with pretty and different fonts, but I also wrote 3 new songs. Before I copy them in, yesterday we got a wedding card from Mary & Dave with a $100 check. Today we got a card from Boo and Max with a $50 check. We have to crank out a couple more thank-you cards.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1994 I used up the last of the address labels with my maiden name, so now I’m going to use the remainder of the cat labels with my married name on them. Then I’ve got lots of Adobe labels left, but they’ll only be used for mail. I’ll draw colorful lines as day separators when the cat labels run out. There are about 25 left.

Yesterday I straightened up the back room quite a bit. I even cleaned off a small area by the washer. There was a paper grocery bag with other ones in it that must’ve been there for years. I dumped those and put away some tools.

I saw a movie with Marlee Matlin in it, and Law & Order.

I typed Tammy a letter and wrote postcards to Bob, Kim and my parents. I dusted and vacuumed and did some typing. I’ve been spelling all kinds of words wrong. Like Israel. I’m learning, though (I spelled “though” as "tho" intentionally in my written journals cuz it's easier). The computer’s been very educational.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1994 I went for my CT scan and hearing test yesterday. There were about 3 different things about it that I didn’t remember from Boston. First she had my head cranked way back and she took 30-40 pictures which seemed to take forever.

When I got on the thing you lay on, it was at the height of a bed. Then, when she went to adjust me for picture number two, I realized I was almost up to the ceiling when I sat up. For the second position, my neck was straight and she put some kind of string or tape across my chin to hold my head still.

Then it was off to another floor for my hearing test. My good ear has worsened a little, but the left is hopeful. There is nerve hearing.

I can’t wait till the 13th.

Later…

Yesterday, after my appointments, we went to JB’s for lunch.

When we got home, I helped Tom build a second computer. It was pretty interesting and fun.

Tom and I both spoke to Tammy who’s really in a bad way now. From the sound of it, Bill may only have a matter of months left. She’s worried about how the hell they’re going to survive and I don’t blame her. We all discussed the possibility of her coming out here, but that’s close to impossible. Especially with 3 kids.

Her visit with Mom wasn’t too great. Even Lisa got upset with her for not staying as long as she said she would. She said Lisa got embarrassed by Mom in some restaurant cuz of the way she went off on some waitress. The bottom line is what it’s always been. She hates kids and will only talk to them about 6 times a year and it’ll probably be another 3 years before both mom and dad go to see her again.

It makes me wonder again if I oughta just cut all contact with them if I ever get pregnant. No kid of mine is going to put up with them if I can help it. Yes, they’ve been wonderful over the phone now for almost a year, but that’d change if I were pregnant, so it’s something to think about should I ever find myself pregnant.

Anyway, I got up at midnight, watched a little TV, made Tom some sandwiches, and crossed off the stuff we got done. I also updated our computer calendar that keeps track of shit we gotta do.

I typed Bob a letter and now Bob, Kim, and my parents have two of those postcards left. I’ll send them over the next couple of weeks.

We’re putting aside money to go to Tammy when she really really needs me the most. That’ll be when Bill dies. Tom will go with me if he can get the time off from work and I hope to hell he can, but if not I’ll go alone.

For the hell of it and out of curiosity, I called Nervous to see if his phone and or the same number still exists with him. He has an answering machine with a prerecorded voice. I just said hi and hung up. I’m glad I discovered he’s got a machine there. God, I wish he had one when he was obsessed with me! I would’ve had sooo much fun with it.

Assuming Crystal’s still there and assuming he’d never dare allow her to hear his edits, which he probably doesn’t have, I’m going to leave a few seconds of them on his machine later. I only hope he hears them, though. I hope if I leave them and they’re both out that he doesn’t come home, get to them first and erase them. Cuz that’s just what he’d do.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1994 Today's the day I go for my CT scan and hearing test. Hopefully, I'll find out something today, but I'll probably have to wait till the 13th. I'll write about how today's appointment went either later today or tomorrow.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1994 I sure wish I slept later than I did. I got up at 7:30 PM. Andy left a message saying he can’t “decide” if he likes a certain Gloria song, so that means he’s not sure.

Well, they say everyone’s different and that much is true, but I have a feeling things will never change with him. I have a feeling that if we wanted a kid right now or in the future, we won’t be able to even if I’m not sterile cuz he either can’t or won’t let go. I just wish I knew which one it was. If he can’t cum, I’d like him to find out why. If he won’t cum, I wish he’d just come out and say, “Hey, I don’t prefer to cum. All I want to do is get hard.”

At the same time, I believe he is attracted to me, I feel I’m not pleasing to him cuz I’m confused and I don’t know for sure what’s going on. Not knowing is hard, but maybe there’s a third party involved. Whether or not he’s deliberately holding back, maybe whatever’s up there has a major control on this to keep me from getting pregnant. But then again, couldn’t it just sterilize me or make sure he doesn’t cum when I’m ovulating? The more I think about it, the more questions I have and the more confused I get, so I’m just going to keep on going about my life as I have been and try not to dwell on it. If in another year to a year and a half, nothing’s changed, then perhaps I oughta talk to him about seeing what a doctor has to say about it. I don’t know, but I really think it’s me. There’s something about me as a person (not my body) that turns him off. Perhaps it’s my aggressive nature and also fear of being a father too soon. I think he does was to be a dad but in a couple of years. This is what he told me, too. I also have a feeling he may never want to be, so due to this, he’ll keep on holding back.

He can’t keep that up forever, though, so if he’s the one preventing himself from cumming, he’s going to have to deal with it with me someday, as he can’t always make excuses. I can’t always be “new” to him, so if one of my theories is correct, I hope he talks about it.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1994 We now have the AC shut off for the year and now the swamp cooler is on. It feels great and I wish it had this feeling at the peak of the summer. The air’s so fresh and clean and my lungs are great.

Tom trimmed a half-inch off my hair yesterday and every 6 weeks or so we’ll do this.

I went through all my makeup and ditched some old stuff I’d had for ages. I really should get new mascara as I’ve had the one I’m using now for over a year.

We accomplished a lot yesterday. We finally sorted all our mail and papers. I do whatever I want with my mail, but when the mail comes in, Tom tosses what he doesn’t want and I file the rest. We also planted the 5 cactus plants around the pool yesterday morning. They look great.

I was surprised that next door was so quiet. I hear them occasionally when I go out back, but lately I’ve been blessed by the absence of them and across the street. Well, more than lately. They’ve all been quiet for several months. At least I know I have the fan and the music as a weapon against whatever if I need it.

Did I mention that I finished the medley? I’m sure I did, but anyhow, it’s got some parts I could’ve done better, but it’s great for the most part.

Tom said don’t worry about botching up his movie as it’s on a lot. Yeah, I’ve seen it listed quite frequently, but it’s not on this week. He said I should record more stuff to get my confidence back. Well, I haven’t checked to see yet if the two movies I taped came out OK, but I’ll soon see.

Right now I think I’ll go have some coffee, then I’ll write more later. First though, the B drive on the computer’s broken. That’s the drive I used for my journals, so now if I do anything with them I’ll use the C drive. That’s pretty much the main drive. I use it for letters and other stuff.

Later…

Sex for us is getting more frequent which is great and the sex is always great. For me. I’m still confused when it comes to Tom. He sure as hell acts like he likes it and he always gets rock-hard and tells me how sexy I am. I do believe him when he tells me I’m sexy, and not just cuz I want to.

I can’t cum by penetration alone, and I know everyone’s different and that’s fine. It’d also be just fine if he came out and told me he doesn’t want to cum. There are things he knows I don’t want to do. Like go down on him, so that I can understand. Also, I’d understand if he had a physical problem that affected him sexually. The big question still remains. Did he lie to me when he said he came those two times when nothing came out? He says he didn’t cum much anyway, but then why was he worried about messing up my sheets?

I toyed with the idea that he was holding back so as not to get me pregnant, but he couldn’t get me pregnant by cumming in my hand. Then I realized that maybe he felt it’d look funny if he only came in my hand out of not wanting to get me pregnant and I’d think my pussy just wasn’t good enough like my hand would be. Maybe he feels that’d look a little obvious. It really scares me to admit to myself that he could be lying about this. If he is, and I do say if, I hope he’ll someday soon have the heart and the courage to tell me why. Why? I’ve never caught him in a lie before. There’s only one other thing he’s ever said that I doubted. He said he could sleep through sounds if he knew what it was and who.

He slept through them moving in next door, raising holy hell in the front here, but he couldn’t sleep through Kim, Phil, Alex and I? Hmm…

I thought of asking Tammy and Andy for their opinion for a long time, but then I thought that’d be uncool to involve them. Then I realized two things. One is that they wouldn’t get involved and two is that they’d keep my question a secret. I finally broke down and asked Tammy if it was possible for a guy cum “dryly.” Her answer was, “Not to my knowledge is it possible.”

I asked Andy on his machine.

Tammy said Lisa got the letter Tom sent her and was very pleased. For a while there I was wondering if he was really going to write and send it.

Later…

The movies I taped came out OK. I listened to some music and just made myself some coffee. Soon I’ll be conking out. My stomach’s a little better, but I still get waves of pain here and there.

I hope Andy leaves me a message tonight. I told him that if the answer to my question is no to say, “No, I don’t like whatever song by Gloria.” he’ll say “yes,” he likes it if the answer’s no.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1994 My day had been going just fine but right now, I’m so mad I could scream. I was taping two movies for both of us and what did I do? Fucked up as usual and just like I did earlier when I went to tape something. Why can’t I do the simplest things right? Is something trying to tell me not to watch TV? Should I tell Tom and Andy not to bother to depend on me? Should I quit recording stuff for myself?

Well, there is good news and that’s that my medley’s done. There are 193 songs. None of Gloria, though, as she has her own medley. I’ve got a variety of stuff from dance/pop, country, instrumental, disco, oldies, etc.

[denimbex1986]

'Tom Ripley, everyone’s favorite murderous sociopath, is back in a big way with Netflix’s eight-episode, black-and-white “Ripley.”

Adapted from Patricia Highsmith’s novel about con man Ripley (the out British stage and screen star Andrew Scott) who’s sent to Italy by well-meaning but tragically wrong parents to find what’s up with their son Dickie Greenleaf (Johnny Flynn).

In Naples Ripley meets Dickie and his girlfriend Marge Sherwood (Dakota Fanning). She seems to have gotten an upgrade from Gwyneth Paltrow’s one-dimensional Marge in the 1999 “The Talented Mr. Ripley” with Matt Damon’s Ripley.

Fanning’s Marge is much more complex — a writer, artist, photographer, author.

“I was thrilled to do a really deep dive into the character of Marge,” Fanning, 30, said in a Zoom interview. “When you have eight episodes to explore a story and characters, you get to go deeper and I was happy that that was what we were doing.

“I think that was what attracted Steve Zallian to writing, directing and adapting Patricia Highsmith’s novel. He wanted a lot of time with these characters. What I — right off the bat! — was attracted to is that the series is really written from Tom’s perspective.

“You meet Marge through Tom’s eyes. That meant, for better or for worse, there was a lot of freedom to figure out who Marge was. It was really important to me to fill in those blanks because everyone has their own reality in this series. Tom Ripley has his narrative and Marge has hers and it was modulating where those realities intersect and where they diverge.

“What’s really important,” Fanning added, “Marge is the only character that has Tom’s number from the beginning. She just doesn’t trust him from the moment she lays eyes on him.

“I liked getting to be somebody that was able to go toe-to-toe with Ripley. Marge and Tom have quite the dynamic and Andrew and I had so much fun exploring that.”

Highsmith debuted Ripley in 1955. The now-classic French version “Purple Noon” made Alain Delon an international star in 1960. Why our enduring fascination with this sociopath?

“People are fascinated with the character, for sure. There is something about Tom — he’s not a professional at this, he is messy at the end. But he’s very good at lying and being able to manipulate his way out of things.

“There’s something weirdly relatable about how he does it. You see the mistakes he makes. Sometimes the viewer feels like they’ve been almost complicit in what he does, because you’re not exactly sure whether you’re supposed to be rooting for or against him.

“But totally, a fascinating character.”

Netflix streams all 8 episodes of “Ripley” April 4'

[chirpsythismorning]

My favorite combination of endgame byler proof dates back to the promotion for season two (bc of course it does)!

About a week before s2 premiered, David Harbour did an interview, and deadass the only thing that makes any sense in regards to what he could possibly be referring to here, is endgame Byler:

"We’re talking about ending Stranger Things at either season four or season five. I know there is an end to the story. It’s a very beautiful end. We’ve already been laying out the pipework. There are easter eggs in season one that you won’t get until season four. You’ll look back and say ‘we’ve been seeing this story the whole time, we just haven’t realized it’. To me, that’s wonderful.”

Now, one could try to argue that David was referring to Will’s sexuality/feelings for Mike here, and I would agree, at least partly, because David’s wording sounds an awful lot like what Noah said recently in his interview with Variety:

"I mean, it’s pretty clear this season that Will has feelings for Mike. They’ve been intentionally pulling that out over the past few seasons. Even in Season 1, they hinted at that and slowly, slowly grew that storyline. I think for Season 4, it was just me playing this character who loves his best friend but struggles with knowing if he’ll be accepted or not, and feeling like a mistake and like he doesn’t belong. Will has always felt like that."

Where it gets complicated though, is that if David was referring to solely Will sexuality/unrequited feelings in this interview, then it doesn’t really make sense for him to frame it as ‘wonderful’.

But, it is important to note that David was talking about the ending, not the beginning of the end, which is what s4 ended up being. His assumption back then, was based on his knowledge of the ending, and how long he hoped the show would go for them to close off that story.

S4 obviously wasn’t a 'beautiful', nor 'wonderful' conclusion to Will’s story arc involving his sexuality/feelings for Mike being built up since s1. So, even if that’s all David was referring to, we are still yet to see the payoff.

This is where the damning proof combo comes in...

Most of you probably know, but as promotion for s2, Spotify collaborated with Netflix for official playlists dedicated to each of the ST characters. It was said that these playlists were specialized and unique to each characters traits.

But especially when it comes to the first song on each of these playlists, almost all of them are instantly recognizable as to why we can assume they chose that song, for that specific character, to start off their playlist. And arguably, even for the most casual of viewers.

For El it’s, Papa Don’t Broach. Pretty self explanatory.

For Will, it’s Should I Stay or Should I Go. Again, self explanatory.

For Mike, it's Smalltown Boy...

To those who don't know, Smalltown Boy (1984) is an unequivocal gay anthem about a young, gay man in the 80's who experiences homophobia and alienation in his small home-town, only to leave (run away) by the end, in order to be happy.

The music video leans even more blatantly into this narrative. Here it is beside this shot of Mike in 4x01 (one of the very few POV shots we got from him in s4, might I add), and it fits quite well with the Smalltown Boy agenda...

To be clear, this isn't just some song the queer community loved and so it turned into a gay anthem overtime. Because, yeah, there are definitely some songs that lyrically just feel like they could be queer (despite not intentionally being), and so the gays sort of claim it and it gains even more meaning and importance over time. However, that is not the case here. This song is undoubtedly one of the most intentionally gay songs of the 80's. And a heartbreaking SYNTH one at that!!!

If the hints for Will were intentional back then (confirmed), then it’s highly likely Smalltown Boy being the first song on Mike’s official playlist, may just be one of the many Easter eggs pointing to the fact that Mike has also been gay (and in love with Will??) this whole time.

Also worth mentioning that when Finn was recently asked about M*leven's relationship in season 5 (the ending), he had this to say;

"I don’t know, I’m really interested… I don’t know, I’m interested kind of like for the end of the show kinda in general (…) Who’s gonna stay in Hawkins, who’s gonna leave. Who’s gonna try to find a life outside. Is there even gonna be a Hawkins? I don’t know. But yeah. I’d be interested to see if Mike stays in Hawkins, or tries to find a life outside of his town. And also, you know it’s hard to tell, like obviously with Eleven and his relationship, but I hope they find, you know, happiness."

When they make-up after fighting in 4x04, Mike tells Will that Hawkins isn't the same without him. After literally listing off all of their friends, basically separating them from Will, "They're great... but-" sort of confirms to us that no matter what Hawkins has to offer, without Will, it's not the same to Mike. Which means if Will isn't going to stay in Hawkins at the end (he won't), Mike probably wont either.

TBH, Will and Mike both having feelings for each other since the beginning, and ending up together, fits a whole lot better with: ‘we’ve been seeing this story the whole time, we just haven’t realized it. And I think that’s wonderful’, than an unrequited love story does....

And the fact that all of these easter eggs, for both Mike and Will, started picking up more prominently after season 2, makes the Duffers whole "what is s2?" act right now even more funny...

[cherrygoldensugar]

From the November 1994 issue of “Interview Magazine”, that features a piece by Ingrid Sischy with Tom Cruise about IWTV. At the end, Cruise answers some questions in character. (Transcribed text below the cut)

IS: So, Mr. Lestat, why was it Louis you chose?

LESTAT:  Because of his courage, anger, loneliness, despair, and beauty.

IS: Why was Louis unable to know what you gave him?

L: [long pause] I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Louis. My feeling is that some people don’t know a good thing when they’ve got it.

IS: Do you have a favorite time that you’ve lived in? You’ve lived in so many times.

L: [sighs] Certainly there are times that I am best with Louis and Claudia. But I am not one to worry about the past…necessarily. Now is as good a time as any.

IS: You live without judgement, right?

L: Well, I found Louis quite upsetting at times. Claudia was a very naughty little girl. But for the most part, yes. I guess you could say that.

IS: Why do you think humans are so judgmental?

L: Because their time is so short and they see so little.

IS: Louis, why do you think humans have so much fear?

L: Lestat.

IS: I mean Lestat. Sorry, I’d be a terrible actor. Lestat, why do you think humans have so much fear?

L: Well, they have a lot to be afraid of. Because they don’t realize that they can live forever. And I think the mystery of what they don’t know creates fear. It’s what they don’t understand that they try to understand and warp into the cubicle of their very small minds.

IS: Lestat, you know you’re going to be on a movie screen.

L: Mmm-hmm.

IS: How do you feel about that?

L: Well, it is my best amusement. 

IS: Your destiny, too?

L: Oh, certainly. My destiny.

IS: To have your story told to the world?

L: Precisely. I have my Louis, my beautiful, infuriating Louis to thank for this.

IS: When you first heard that Louis had spoken to a reporter, did you feel betrayed?

L: I certainly felt betrayed hearing the story that I lived for centuries. I try not to torture myself for my own mistakes. To hear how he misunderstood my own capacity to love, to be alive in many ways, I found not so surprising. But I don’t know, maybe I’m just an endless romantic, hoping that one day it will change, or the full realization of what I have given to the world will be recognized.

IS: How do you avoid torturing yourself with these thoughts?

L: Well, I torture others. [laughs]

IS: You brought up Louis’s courage and anger, but you also brought up his beauty. Why do you think it’s so important. 

L: Did you not fall in love with Louis’s beautiful suffering human heart that everyone was so seduced by? Part of who we are, vampires I mean, is our beauty. To be beautiful. To live forever. To be powerful. I know it sounds so vain, but we do need something to hide the pain and the loneliness, don’t we?

IS: Lestat, how do you feel about being interviewed?

L: Well, I enjoy talking about myself. I find it different. You know, I’m not one who minds change as much as the next.

IS: Lestat, I’m going back to Tom now.

L: Alright.

IS: So, Tom, any last words?

TC: What a riot this picture’s been. You know, I was scared to death when my wife and I were talking about going down to New Orleans, where much of Vampire was filmed. I didn’t know what kind of people would be waiting for us. I thought in front of our house we’d have this gutted path or something. I didn’t know what to expect. But the shoot was actually very peaceful. And then to hear Anne’s reaction to the movie—I was very pleased with that.

IS: After she saw it?

TC: Yes. It was the first time we’d ever spoken, and she was very nice. She just went on about the movie and how she was very happy with the handling of her characters, and specifically Lestat, and told me how much her son loved the movie. It was a very classy thing to do, because she didn’t have to do that. But I’ll tell you, even if Anne Rice had come out and said she didn’t like the movie, for me the experience of making it is one I’ll never forget. And the fact that she has come out and was encouraging is, simply, icing on the cake. [Editor’s note: Subsequent to this conversation, Anne Rice tookout a two-page paid advertisement in variety, which also appeared in news papers, praising the film and Cruise’s “courageous performance.”] One thing is certain: You know how Anne feels about something! But all of that is very much in the past for me now.

IS: Tom, you’re beginning to sound like Lestat. TC: Yes. [laughs] Well, as much as he says it doesn’t matter, Lestat does very much miss the past.

[screadingchallenge]

Behind the Keyboard Volume 20

Behind the Keyboard is a series of interviews with different Schitt’s Creek fanfic authors. The series will last as long as there is interest (from authors) and capacity (from me). If you are an author from the Schitt’s Creek fandom who would like to participate, send a DM to this account.  

Each author was given ten questions. The first five questions are the same for every author, the last five will vary.

Let’s meet our next author:

@goodiecornbread​ /  GoodieCornbread

How many fics have you written?

38, including my unfinished WIP

When did you publish your first fic on AO3?

Early November 2020

Describe your writing process from “Oh, I have an idea” to pushing publish on AO3. 

It usually starts with my messaging my friend chat with the phrase: "New fic idea!" I throw out a basic premise and see if anything gains traction. 

I should be honest and say that this happens at least weekly for me. Sometimes it's as randomly silly as "Patrick buys this silly hat and won't take it off!" and sometimes it becomes a 50k word fic. 

Tell me about your most recent fic? What do you love about it? Is there anything you think you could have done better?

I'm currently working on my biggest fic yet, over 80k words as of now. [Editor’s note: Begin the World Again is now finished!] The premise is that shortly after David and Patrick start dating, Rachel reveals that she is pregnant. When Patrick comes out to her, she shows her true homophobic colors and refuses to have anything to do with him, including the baby. 

I started posting chapters before it was finished, and there are things looking back I wish I could change. I feel like some chapters have just been all fluff and no substance. My next long fic I plan on writing completely before publishing. 

What advice would you give to someone who’s thinking about publishing their fic for the first time?

Do it!

Talk to your friends and internet mutuals, whether they've published or just read. Throw out ideas, get suggestions, and most importantly… do it! Even if you make up a new pseudonym to publish under, just put it out into the world. Everyone starts somewhere.

That being said, get a beta. Just a second set of eyes to double check grammar and syntax or phrasing. It really makes a world of difference. 

When did you start writing?

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I love to talk, I love to write. 

I started writing fanfic in middle school, but stopped in high school. Then I found SC and AO3 and fell back in love.

If you could say one thing to your fellow fic writers, what would it be?

Thank you. Thank you for taking one little world and making it so much bigger and beautiful.

The beginning, middle or end of a fic. Which do you like the most? Which is the worst?

Middle is the worst. I usually have the beginning in my head, and the general ending. But the middle gets muddled and can be slow going.

I prefer the beginning because it's where all of my momentum is.

The end is always a little sad.

What does a successful fic look like to you?

One that you're happy with. One that you feel proud to put out there. Comments and kudos and recs are nice, but if you're happy with it, then it's successful.

Tell me about a story that you wish you could write but that you’re not quite ready to tackle.

I have a lot of ideas in a notebook that I plan to eventually write, but the one I’ve been holding off on is one that can have some delicate topics. It’ll be a oneshot or short fic where Stevie finds a love interest. Let’s see if I can handle it!

[mishasminions]

The Last Time I’ll Write a Long Post About Supernatural (15x18-15x20)

15 YEARS OF WATCHING THIS SHOW. 11 YEARS OF RUNNING A BLOG ABOUT IT. IT’S BEEN QUITE A RIDE.

[15x20 Speculation + evidence at the bottom]

First off, I just wanna come clean and say, after all these years, I still think they should’ve ended at Season 5.

If you’re going to come at me with “Then why’d you stick around to watch it if you didn’t like it?”, your question is immature, and the answer is simple: I just want to know what happens next (I also love the main characters and their actors too). You can watch a show and still think it’s shit.

Call me a clown, but despite all the disappointment and trust issues that this show has given me, I would still look forward to the day where it might just turn itself around and bring back the quality it once had, or realize the potential of each story it was trying to tell, or at the very least, do justice by my favorite ship.

Never happened.

They’ve had a few good episodes here and there. I can’t imagine the SPN Universe without The Man Who Would Be King, The French Mistake, and Scoobynatural. Seasons 6-10 were enjoyable at times. I blocked out most of 7 & 11-15. 

If you’ve been following this blog since its heydays in 2010-2014, you’d know I’d try my best to defend Destiel and this show’s decisions regarding it no matter what.

Because you know what, as a CONCEPT, this show is good. If you take a look at all the worlds its storylines have birthed in fanfiction/fanworks, you’d see how much Supernatural has wasted its own story arcs. The writing got shittier as each season progressed, and they’ve obviously given up in production as well because the quality in the execution has noticeably gone down too, but if you take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture, you’ll see that this show still tries to make sense of itself.

[If you’re still following this post, please bear with me, I know this is long, but I just want you to understand how jaded and pessimistic I am with regards to this show, so maybe you can buy into whatever hopeful thing I’m about to say later on.]

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT DESTIEL

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that they would give us Castiel’s “I love you” speech. To the point where, if I weren’t so desperate for it, I would argue that it was completely out of character for him to word vomit the way he did (but I’m not gonna diss on that right now because I’ll take what I can get).

I’ve valued every meaningful and obscure exchange that Dean and Cas have had in the earlier seasons, and I was willing to accept their relationship as just that--undefined, without any clear boundaries as to what they really are. And I think that was beautiful on its own.

But now, they’ve chosen to define it.

After they’ve driven every possible wedge between Dean and Castiel in seasons 11-15, to try to explain away their feelings as something they offer to a collective.

Dean can’t mourn and pray for JUST Cas, he has to mourn and pray for EVERYBODY--even Crowley, even some chick he just met, because god forbid he cries about just the guy who has given up everything for him--that would be “too homo”.

They’ve even set Cas on a path to abrupt fatherhood just so he can care about something other than Dean. Make it seem as if Dean wasn’t his purpose through and through.

And after all these years of this stupid show trying to deny it, they choose to acknowledge it at the worst possible circumstance, at a time where they’ve been so far apart, that it seems so foreign for them to suddenly come together.

But here we are. And they’ve chosen to tell us.

Chosen to tell us that everything that Castiel has done leading up to his death, he has done it because he was IN LOVE WITH DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that the ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE CAS HAPPY IS DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that BEING WITH DEAN WINCHESTER is something that CAS WANTS BUT KNOWS HE CAN’T HAVE.

And they’ve also chosen to tell us nothing about how Dean feels.

Sure, finding out your angel made a deal, the stipulations of said deal, his newfound happiness philosophy, his long-winded monologue of why he loves you and why you’re worthy of his love, and to top it all off he tells you that being in love with you is enough to make him happy while he subtly hints that he’s always wanted to be WITH you romantically, was a lot to process in the 5 minutes after you’ve just had an existential crisis.

It’s whatever, right? Let’s culminate 11 years worth of tension and feelings in 5 minutes. Let’s waste the entire episode with cringey expository dialogue, and irrelevant sequences. The whole season was a waste anyway.

You know what Supernatural? FUCK YOU FOR THAT. They deserved better. WE deserve better.

And I would love nothing more than to hurl every possible insult your way,

But for the last time, I’m going to HOPE that you’re finally going to try to make it better for the fans that stuck by you all these years.

No more baiting new viewers, no more placating casual viewers, no more excuses. 15 years. Bring it home for the people who have actually been around.

SO HERE’S HOW I THINK 15x20 IS GONNA GO

There’s two ways this series is gonna end. Horribly or Spectacularly.

First let’s all take into consideration what Andrew Dabb says about it:

So, let’s start with

ENDING HORRIBLY

In this scenario, Misha is telling the truth about his last day of filming being 15x18. His “camping trip” during the last few days of filming 15x20, was actually a camping trip. He doesn’t go to Vancouver to shoot.

Jensen wasn’t “being careful” during the zoom interviews that it was just him and Jared quarantining for the shoot, it really was just him and Jared (althought most of these were done pre 15x19) Supernatural isn’t smart enough to do misleading PR, and they’re once again oblivious to the potential of their own story.

Misha hasn’t posted a “Goodbye Castiel” tweet because he’s probably saving it for last episode or he forgot because it was overshadowed by the Destiel trend that night.

So what we get is:

Sam and Dean are on the road again, up against the monster of the week. Only their world no longer has actual Supernatural beings anymore, so the monsters they’re fighting are humans.

Humans end up killing the Winchesters (despite having gone up against literally every powerful being imaginable INCLUDING God himself). Dean and Sam end up in heaven and relive their greatest hits.

Meanwhile, Castiel rots in The Empty because he died after realizing that he was happy and gay. Jack doesn’t bother rescuing him—his surrogate dad, the guy who made this specific deal to spare him—even though it was so easy for him get Cas in and out of The Empty when he had a fraction of the power that he has now.

Dean never speaks of Castiel’s confession because despite all the hints of a profound bond in the earlier seasons, and the fact that Dean has never cared for anyone (who isn’t his actual brother) as immensely as he does Cas, Supernatural just can’t have its main macho character be “suddenly bisexual” because that would hurt the male ego or some shit.

His heaven would probably be living happily ever after with his family. “Family” meaning Mary and John Winchester--two of the shittiest parents ever (but they’re not going to include them in this episode like they were supposed to because of Covid) and Sam.

Sam also gets a dog. As usual.

I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to do this. After everything they’ve pulled, this would be right up their alley. I actually expect this ending.

Anyway, onto the next possible ending

ENDING SPECTACULARLY

In this scenario, Supernatural tries to stick the landing, and Jensen’s whole “It didn’t sit well with me at first, but then I took a step back after talking to Kripke, and realized that I had to view it from an audience perspective, I am now really excited about it” (DC Con 2019) anecdote about his thoughts on the final episodes, were actually about Dean potentially ending up with Cas. (Which would totally make sense because Jensen at first didn’t see Dean as anything but hetero, but as of late, he has been throwing in Destiel jokes of his own, so he seems to have warmed up to the idea)

Backed with Misha’s tidbit (DLConline 2020) that he and Jensen had conversations about Destiel, and that they wouldn’t have gone through with it if Jensen wasn’t onboard with it, but Jensen didn’t push back at all. (Why would they need to check with Jensen if it was just Cas going all in?)

Robert Berens (writer of 15x18) also wrote the script at the beginning of Season 15, but made Misha privy to the concept a year prior (Season 14), so they went into this season knowing about Destiel going canon.

This one’s a reach, but this scenario also supposes that Misha was lying about his whereabouts during the filming of the final episode, and him saying that 15x18 was his last episode is part of the diversion to avoid taking away from the weight of Castiel’s death.

And that Supernatural is actually self-aware of its own material (similar to how they have wrapped things up in the past—lots of expository dialogue, poor execution, but fulfills the story arc)

Since Season 15 is basically a Meta Season (Chuck/God as a writer, pretentiously calling out how he created the worlds, its characters, and basically invalidating the past 14 seasons), and 15x19 is supposedly the finale for Season 15, written by two of the worst Supernatural writers, Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming (Bob Singer’s wife), then we can assume that 15x19 is where the shitty writers kill themselves--as Chuck, of course.

So we get a badly written episode that produces a bad ending, or as Becky put it, “All action, and no Cas”

So we get the bad writers season ending at 15x19.

And 15x20 is where Sam and Dean write their own stories, and where the cast had a hand in pitching ideas for it.

Dabb has mentioned that 15x20 (Act Two) is a SERIES finale, where they try to resolve the characters’ journeys.

Because as everyone has acknowledged, Supernatural isn’t about the story, it’s about the characters.

So here’s what we can get out of it:

With no more Supernatural beings left to fight, Sam and Dean are in a stalemate. They’ve resigned themselves to fighting to the bitter end, but the “end” has passed, and they’re still standing.

So they try to figure out who they are now, and what they want out of the life they still have.

Sam still wants a normal apple pie life. Before Dean dragged him out of college to go hunting with him, he had a whole life planned out for him. Become a lawyer, settle down with a nice girl, and get a dog. He gave all that up because they had work to do, but now the work is finished, he can finally go back to wanting that for himself again.

Dean finally realizes his self-worth after Cas saves him again. His prayer to Cas in purgatory may have helped him come to terms with his anger, but the whole “you’ve done everything you did for love” speech finally put him in his place, and he learns not to hate himself anymore.

But of course, he cannot fully reconcile with himself if he doesn’t get Cas back, and tell him how he feels.

Because Dean actually wants something for himself this time. Something he knows he can finally have if he can just salvage it.

So maybe this time around, with the help of Jack (off-screen), Dean saves Cas. Grips him tight and raises him from perdition.

They bypass The Empty deal by turning Cas human, and he lives the rest of his days with Dean.

Dean and Cas know they deserve to be saved, and they know that they deserve to be happy.

(Wishful thinking, maybe they kiss a little)

Anyway...

I’m just saying, there’s NO WAY that they’d have Cas go through that whole rushed speech, if they weren’t going to do anything about it later on.

But again, after 10 years of disappointment, I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to pat themselves on the back and say, “Okay, we sort of gave them what they wanted. We’re good now”

If that’s the case, Supernatural, I’m sorry I wasted my time on you.

Here’s to hoping 🤡

[iamnmbr3]

Another day. Another questionable interview from someone involved with the production. This time the Director (who to her credit at least is better than Mike Waldron in that she is able to say she likes Loki’s character whereas his interviews drip with open disdain and disrespect and he can’t even pretend otherwise). (x)

Kate Herron: But Loki doesn't have many friends, you know? He builds this friendship with Mobius across the second episode.

Here again we get out-of-universe confirmation that the narrative framing of Mobius in a positive light is intentional. Mobius is not Loki’s friend. He’s his captor and his torturer. Loki isn’t on equal footing with Mobius. They don’t even have a boss-employee relationship. LOKI WAS MOBIUS’S SLAVE until he escaped. He was being held against his will and coerced under threat of death to work for Mobius and his organization without compensation. That is slavery. And it’s not ok. 

Mobius also berated him by telling him that he is inherently evil and monstrous - the very things that drove him to suicide. Mobius is complicit in acts of torture, genocide, murder, privacy violation, and  police brutality and shows no signs of having any problem with it. He’s no more Loki’s friend than Thanos or the Black Order are. 

When has he ever treated Loki with dignity or respect? Even if we ignore all the horrific stuff, he’s just plain not nice to Loki. He constantly mocks and belittles him and never takes his side. That’s not a how a friend behaves!  That’s how a bully behaves! Where is the basis for this friendship??!!

Kate Herron: “And obviously, we're seeing it through Loki and Sylvie's POV. You know, neither of them are good or bad. A complete, pure good hero would probably join the queue and be like, "Well, hopefully we'll get on the train." But they're not those characters. They're going to try and get on it.”

They snuck onto a train??? That’s what she thinks a grey character is? That’s so dull! Loki was a complex and grey character. Larry (as I call the tv show character) and Sylvie...got on a train without a ticket. That’s laughable! That doesn’t make me think about complex morality or issues. And c’mon. All the heroic Avengers have done that level of rule breaking MANY times and they don’t lose their “pure good hero status.” Tony Stark constantly does things like that! I want Loki back. HE is a grey character. But I haven’t seen him in the show so far. Instead I get Larry the watered down clown. 

Kate Herron: “When Loki and Mobius are at Pompeii, for example, that's shown through Loki's POV, right? He's joyous and he cracked the case. Pompeii was horrific, but we're seeing it through his perspective and he's in a completely different headspace.”

You know a scene can have more than one emotion right? Like he could be happy about solving the case but also horrified at the destruction of Pompeii? Instead he is laughing at the people who are about to die horrifically and seems to have no compassion for them whatsoever. Sure people can headcanon reasons why he behaved that way (and more power to them. Fixing dumb canon is what fandom is all about!) but the narrative framing is to me pretty clearly lighthearted and the director confirms that intent. There seems to be no awareness that by having Loki behave so callously it makes him come across as incredibly cruel. Far more than he ever was in canon. 

In Thor 2011 Thor is laughing while slaughtering Jotnar (as is considered appropriate in his culture) but Loki isn’t. He kills when he has to but he doesn’t enjoy it, something that’s unusual for the culture he was raised in. This Pompeii scene could’ve been a great time to see Loki’s more compassionate side as he looks at the people who are going to die. We could’ve seen some real conflict from him. And it would’ve been a great moment to start introducing the concept that he’s more than just a simple villain to more casual viewers. Instead, although they think they’re “redeeming” Larry over the course of the show they’ve made him far worse and more villainous. I wish they had hired an experienced Director who also understands Loki - like Kenneth Brannaugh!!! - rather than a Director who has never headed up a major project before. Though even the best Director couldn’t fix the abysmal and ooc script and story Mike Waldron came up with. 

Kate Herron: “I think that's the thing that's really key for her is that she's a completely original character, completely born out of our writers, and that, for me, was exciting.” 

Remember when I said Sylvie is the favored OC? Called it. 

Kate Herron: “The train scene I love because Loki doesn't get many wins and it's nice to see him having a nice sing-song. He's just enjoying himself. Because I think that's such a funny way, as well, to show the difference between him and Sylvie is that she's on a mission. She's like, "We're going to get off this moon." And when she's offered a drink, she's like, "No, thank you."

WOW. I hate this SO much. So suddenly Sylvie gets to act more like Loki and Loki suddenly doesn’t know how to be subtle and is just a dumb clown messing everything up. C’mon! This is absolutely ridiculous. This is not Loki silvertongue. This is not the Loki who tried to diffuse the situation on Jotunheim and almost succeeded. This is not the Loki who was always a restraining voice in Thor’s ear. They’ve turned Sylvie into discount Loki without any depth or complexity or vulnerability and they’ve turned Loki into discount Thor ft. dumb clown! Absolutely outrageous. 

Kate Herron: “everything is not what it seems and even in our design, people have picked up on certain things. Like the way that they dress, or the posters and that there's something a bit more going on there.”

If the TVA actually turn out to be twist villains I will laugh SO hard; I’d say that twist is too dumb even for Marvel but...it’s really not! Like. Guys. If they’re gonna be TWIST villains you have to not have them do obviously villainous things on screen!!!! BECAUSE THEN IT’S NOT A TWIST!!!!

From the moment we meet them we see them commit acts of police brutality, murder, genocide, trial without due process, enslavement, privacy violation, and torture IN ORDER TO ELIMINATE FREE WILL. Like. They are literally the most evil organization in the MCU. Even Thanos can’t compare. So having them be revealed as villains will fall flat. Because the twist isn’t the audience learning new information or the main character learning it. It’s just the narrative suddenly acknowledging it and treating their atrocities seriously. So the twist is in the real world not the show. And it’ll make Larry look like an even bigger idiot than he already does if he’s suddenly like “Wait the people who tortured and enslaved me are evil?! What?!??!” (I stg if he has to fight miss minutes in the end like I joked about I will lose it).

Also. Why make it a twist?! When you treat the villains as a joke it robs the narrative of tension. Their acts of evil should’ve been acknowledged from the beginning in order to create sympathy for the protagonist and tension in the narrative as we watch him try to escape this situation! Smh. The only funny joke in this series is how badly the writing fails. 

[tearsofgrace]

endings are hard... but they aren’t impossible

tldr; the good place fucking nailed the finale, supernatural completely and utterly bombed it.

tags: wc--4.5k, gif heavy, spn meta, the good place, supernatural finale, spn wank, all gifs are mine, if you read til the end there’s a pretty gif

so i recently finished the good place (i was watching w my family and we finally had time to sit down and watch the last season) and god fucking dammit that ending is FLAWLESS. literally flawless. 

and because i’m, well, me… i spent most of the time during that hour long finale thinking about how supernatural could have had even a fraction of that and avoided so much heartbreak. 

anyways. i decided to compare them. to REALLY compare them. to get into the nitty gritty of why the fuck the good place ending left me feeling, as the finale is all about, sated and complete. and why the spn ending left me confused, lost, broken, betrayed, unable to even enjoy my comfort show at all until a dear friend finally just watched an episode (8.08) start to finish with me. 

so without further ado (always wanted to say that) here’s the good place/supernatural finale meta that no one asked for

comedy

we’ll start small. both these shows have excellent comedy. in extremely different ways… but still

in the good place finale, the comedy was perfect. whether it was jason reappearing in the forest, michael trying to get through The Door, tahani reversing the “hot bod” bit on eleanor, every comedic moment was actually pretty emotional and added something to the show. they deepened characters’ meanings, added to their relationships, and made the audience think as much as they made the audience laugh.

in the spn finale… the comedy was the pie gag. the whole sam shoving pie into dean’s face. beyond this being… like meta as hell (the whole prank thing) it doesn’t have any depth to it.

and to add salt to the wound, this “hilarious” thing happens RIGHT AFTER salmondean have a conversation about missing jack and cas that is equal parts flat and infuriating. the brothers, in particular sam about jack and dean about cas, should care more. this is their family. and family is everything to them. but, no, by all means pie dean in the face.

last lines

this one IRKS me. okay. 

the last line of the good place  "I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe: Take it sleazy.” “All right.”  is ICONIC. okay?

it’s a reference to season 1 that doesn’t feel fan-servicey. it’s kinda honestly emotional cuz it’s like a message to us, the audience. it perfectly completes michael’s arc. it captures the light-hearted vibe of the show while also somehow managing to be poignant. you can see it coming like the second before it happens but it’s also not the obvious choice. it’s just. goddamn it’s good.

the last line of supernatural…. is… “and cut.” not even said by one of j2. i mean i know it’s a meta show but COME ON ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????????

now i hear you shouting wait but that’s just the end of the thank you message. okay fine whatever. in that case the last lines are “Hey, Sammy.” “Dean.” (i couldn’t bring myself to gif that moment)

i’m sorry but. that’s predictable. that’s obvious. that’s boring. that’s flat. sure, it celebrates the bond between the brothers. but like… that’s not what this show is about anymore. it’s not just about sam and dean winchester it’s about what they’ve created. it’s about the world they’ve saved, the family they’ve made, about how they always keep fighting but nope we get bland, boring, coulda seen ‘em coming from miles away lines for the very end. that’s fine.

montages

the spn finale is like 50% montages that don’t make sense and are poorly done and not emotional

the good place has a montage of michael being human that brought me to tears

timing

here’s another short section. the good place finale was 53 minutes long as opposed to the usual 20 minute long runtime of every episode. granted, the fandom of the good place is very different, but STILL there was no documentary telling the fans things they ALREADY knew (there was a short special after the ep, but the episode itself was still far longer than normal). it was 53 minutes of plot. of really fucking good not rushed plot. 

the supernatural finale was… what 36 minutes long?? as opposed to the normal 40 minute runtime?? granted, we did get an hour long documentary of things we’ve all heard in cons and interviews a billion times so hey. take what you can get i guess.

character arcs

this is most of the meat of this meta. one thing we’ve all been harping on a TON is how they RUINED character arcs. soooo let’s go through and juxtapose some character arcs shall we

eleanor

eleanor shellstrop starts the show completely self-obsessed. she died getting hit by shopping carts while picking up margarita mix and let’s be real she’s a total icon. love her to death. she grows a ton, becomes one of the most selfless characters on the show, and starts to actually (jack forbid) CARE about things. it’s one of the most satisfying and relatable character arcs i’ve ever seen. 

it’s not just her selfishness either, her character is super multi-faceted and complex, and i feel like even in the end we’re getting to know her better. she’s afraid of commitment, always worried about what others’ actions will do to her, loves the trivial side of life, is queer as fuck (as acknowledged by the show in a way that’s not harmful at all but also isn’t explicitly bi/pan/unlabeled/omni etc, allowing queer fans to see their own identity in her), and is all around a HUMAN BEING. her ending at the beginning of the show was her death. her stupid, trivial, meaningless death where she was, as she puts it, all alone. and her final ending ISNT that. yes, everyone goes before her. and i think that’s purposeful. to show that she’s grown enough that being alone in some sense is okay.

but she’s never TRULY alone. and in the end. the REAL end. janet is there. the whole time. because eleanor asked her to be!! she got over her crazy need for independence and simply asked for help. and eleanor dies an amazing person that has become selfless, has found joy in philosophy while still enjoying trashy content, has fixed her relationship with her mother, and has found a sense of completion. eleanor’s life ends on her terms, and it’s beautiful.

dean

alright. now just as you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy let’s look at dean winchester’s ending. you’ve heard it a million times, so i’ll be brief. dean was raised to be a hunter, a soldier, a killing machine with no feelings and no purpose. he was raised to die scared on a hunt, his life over because of some mistake he made because he will NEVER measure up. at least that’s what john and everyone else told him with the exceptions of some of his family (and family don’t end in blood). he started to accept that he didn’t have to have this. he started to realize that he could CHOOSE what his ending was. 

the beautiful thing is, we never truly got to see what that was. i personally like to think it’s similar to the roadhouse michael locked him in while he was trapped in his own mind. a safe place for hunters, somewhere he (and cas in my opinion, but that’s not important) could settle down and still be in the life. it would be an amazing tribute to jo and ellen, and just all around a great ending. he wouldn’t have to be scared, but he wouldn’t have to conform to some apple pie facade of normalcy. and ya know what?? say that he died so he could have peace i dare you. because dean doesn’t find peace until sam is there anyway so i beg of you WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT. 

dean winchester died scared. dean winchester died on a hunt. dean winchester died on one of john’s old hunts. dean winchester died not directly at the hands of a monster, but at the hands of a mistake. his mistake. dean winchester died without ever working through the trauma of his best friend in the entire world confessing his love in a final act of self-sacrifice. dean winchester died in a way that leaves a sour taste in my mouth and does not at all show the audience what he’s been through and how much he’s grown. dean winchester did not die on his terms, and he deserved better.

chidi

okay back to happy. chidi anagonye. by far my personal favorite good place character (don’t tell anyone i always say jason cuz he and i are very similar). chidi in the last few episodes is SO DRASTICALLY different than the chidi we meet at the beginning. he’s decisive, confident, self-assured, and it’s amazing to see. he’s not afraid of life anymore. he’s not afraid to make the wrong decision and forever alter his reality, because he’s okay with failure. 

at the beginning, chidi was so petrified of life that… it killed him. and in the end, he’s completely at peace with every decision he makes, even the final one. yes, he considered staying for eleanor, but that just shows how his moral code and his compassion for others is still very much still intact. it shows the audience that you can be confident and decisive without being a selfish asshole. 

chidi leaves the good place knowing that it’s the right thing to do. knowing without a doubt that his time has come. the old chidi never would have been able to fathom being that sure about something. it’s beautiful. it’s a development that can give the audience peace, can show them that this drastic of change is possible, and that chidi became a better person for all of it. chidi went on his own terms, and it was beautiful.

sam

… this one might be controversial… but sam winchester. god i hated sam’s ending. at first i was kinda okay with it. like, okay fine he got his normal life. but, really, in the end that’s not what sam wanted. he started to realize that he didn’t need that apple pie, white picket fence life. he didn’t need the wife and the kids and the backyard and the barbecues because that is NOT sam’s personality and i will throw hands on that. 

that’s not to say he doesn’t want some sort of romance, maybe even kids, but not in that way. he lets himself see that he doesn’t need to be defined by his rebellion to john. doesn’t need to be defined by going to college or any of those “normal” smart kid things because it doesn’t fit him. and that’s okay! but how does sam’s story end? it ends with a wife (that isn’t even important enough to show her face). with kids. with a goddamn white picket fence. we think he’s still hunting to some extent… but it’s not the arc we were led to believe would happen. it’s not this amazing leader sam that we see in season 12-14, uniting hunters and organizing them. 

he had SO MUCH potential and they throw it away on a vanilla ending that shows only surface level pain at losing his brother. he doesn’t even invite the rest of their family to the wake for fuck’s sake. jared did an incredible job. pls don’t think i’m saying he didn’t. but that script…. sam winchester’s arc was cut short. he didn’t go on his terms, and he deserved better.

jason

jason mandoza. the only character that has ever embodied my complete dumbass energy to the insane extent that it exists. he went to hell for his impulsivity. he never thought before a decision. i aspire to be as reckless as jason while on earth. but he LEARNED. he got better, just like they all did. and by the end of the show, jason doesn’t need to be impulsive anymore. much like eleanor being left “alone,” the show does a masterful job with making him be the first one to go, capturing his old impulsiveness. but he chooses to leave. he takes his time in deliberation, waiting until a feeling of peace, of completion, of well, ‘true happiness’ (sorry cas stans, i’m right there with you) has settled over him. 

the ending of his story is one of growth, just like all these characters have been. and the best part? the show makes it comedic in the most poignant and beautiful way, because it’s jason, it had to be funny. we learn that jason has been in the woods for like, eons, just waiting to go through the door because he wants to give janet a necklace. he’s learned to simply wait. to be at peace with… nothing. his torture was being a monk, but in the end, jason embodies those ideals. his arc comes to fruition in an extremely satisfying way. jason goes on his own terms, and it’s beautiful.

castiel

this one is gonna hurt like a bitch. castiel is my comfort character. he’s my role model. he’s me in a lot of ways. i love him. so fucking much. so excuse me if this is slightly incoherent. i’m actually okay with cas’ ending… in a way. because his actual ending as an on-screen character? perfect. self-sacrifice while coming out and professing his love to dean winchester. a little bit bury the gays, but let’s be real, it’s supernatural. and “happiness is in just saying it” has to be the most powerful way to think of coming out. it takes away the fear, it takes away so much of the pain that can follow. because the joy is in just saying the words.

it’s how this was treated on the show that makes cas’ character arc terrible (and we haven’t even gotten to 15.20). YOU CANNOT JUST IGNORE A LOVE CONFESSION. that is god awful writing and i will never change my mind on that. cas deserved his family to care about him. to at least address and be sad about the fact he was gone. jesus fucking christ after everything castiel deserved at least that. and then we go to 15.20. cas is in heaven. cas is serving god. cas is right back where he started. now, i’m coming off a little strong. 

if the show had decided to show us cas and jack in heaven makin’ the world a better place… i woulda come around to it. i woulda realized that that’s not REALLY erasing 12 years of character development and cas realizing that his whole identity isn’t just him serving heaven and isn’t just him being an angel and that he’s so much more than all of that and he could still be happy as a human… because really he’s with his son. but they didn’t show us that. they barely even mentioned him. and to me. that counts as a bad character arc. and i’m sorry if you disagree. castiel may have gone on his own terms, but they treated that beautiful sacrifice with disrespect and disdain, plus resolved his arc by putting him back where he started. he deserved better.

tahani

*deep breaths guys this is a long post i’m sorry* anywayyyy tahani!!! we love tahani obviously. let’s talk about her arc, because it always kinda bothered me. throughout the show, we see all the other character’s growing and expanding their knowledge of right and wrong. and, don’t get me wrong. we see tahani grow a lot. but she makes a lot of the same types of comments and shit like that. but it’s how she treats the reactions to those comments. by the end of the show, she laughs at the caricature of herself that the others see. she isn’t looking for vindication in name-dropping, she just does it. she is far less self-absorbed, and is genuinely interested in those around her. she fixes her relationships with her sister and her parents in a way that doesn’t feel forced and actually feels like a beautiful, healthy family reunion. 

she has a list and she does everything on it. it’s worth noting, that the things on her list are not at all what they would have been at the beginning of the show. most of them are humble “labor” type tasks, and all of them are in self improvement. tahani’s end on the show is not the same as everyone else’s. she realizes that she doesn’t need to be done. that there doesn’t have to be an end to self-improvement. and she becomes an architect. the writers perfectly embody her transformation from a self-obsessed rich girl who has never done a thing for herself and laughs at the lower-class to a down-to-earth worker that simply doesn’t want the journey to end. 

it’s incredible how perfectly the writers were able to close off these character arc’s without it feeling forced, and without ignoring their character development. imagine that. tahani chooses her own way, and it’s beautiful.

jack

jack’s ending may be the only one that i’ve actually somewhat come to terms with. it’s not terrible. it’s not great. but it’s not nearly as bad. because ignoring that awful monologue about every drop of rain and shit, jack really does end up helping people. he ends up doing something that he loves and that makes the world a better place. and he doesn’t lose his personality in it. but. i dunno, that’s still his destiny, right? to create paradise. and this is a show about ripping up the rule book, about choosing free will above all else… so to have every single character just fulfill their destiny is cheap. 

still… i’ll try to be unbiased. because really at the beginning of jack’s time on the show, he’s unsure what he wants. and at least, in the end, he’s sure. he has a wisdom that he’s always had but he’s now using. and i’m good with that. but what’s NOT okay about jack’s ending is the lack of on-screen family. jack learns that family is important. sam, cas, dean those are the people he cares about. and you’re telling me he would just NEVER see them again? and be okay with that? i know he rebuilds heaven with cas, but we don’t even get a story about him rescuing cas from the empty. and he seems in 15.19 to not be that concerned about it (after the amazing emotional scene at the beginning). jack should have cared about his family. he did. but they ruined that for him. so jack kline deserved better.

michael

oh man where do i start. michael’s growth is the biggest on the show. i mean. he starts as a literal demon and ends a human. he gets better, he falls in love with humanity (*castiel fan in me sobbing again*) and he chooses over and over to be good instead of bad. his whole arc is a classic redemption arc, and every single beat just gets better. he chooses selfishly to side with humans but in the end it turns out to be the best decision he could have made. because he develops emotions, he develops compassion, he develops a moral compass. 

and his end reflects that. because to complete this arc of a demon becoming more human… he literally becomes human!!!! it fits so well. and he’s allowed to make mistakes and be happy and gain all that humanity has to offer. this just shows that human!endgame for cosmic beings that become more human WORKS SO WELL (and it shoulda happened for cas and jack that’s all i’m saying). michael went on his own terms, and it was beautiful.

eileen

oh boy… this one stings. because they brought her back, used her up, and we never saw her again. eileen was one of the best side characters on the show, and they rarely addressed her arc. she comes onto the show as a hunter seeking revenge, and gets that revenge in the same episode. her s15 arc is focused on what’s real and what’s not, with her relationship to sam admittedly being a central part of her character because… it’s supernatural and women can’t exist without that. but still! eileen grows throughout the show and in the end… we don’t even know what happens to her. it’s as if her arc wasn’t important enough to even glance at. 

it’s as if the connections the boys make outside of each other mean nothing when in reality they mean everything. they prove that the co-dependency is behind them and that family doesn’t end with blood and that real connections can be formed between people that last a lifetime. eileen was a disabled hunter that was shown to still be one of the best in the business, and they didn’t even give her the courtesy of a goodbye. eileen didn’t go on her own terms, and she deserved better.

janet

this is gonna unbalance my list but goddammit janet’s ending was perfect. she was a not-robot, not-girl that should have been incapable of feelings. but throughout the series we get to watch as she learns first-hand about human emotions and processes them. she cares about the humans in her charge and fights for them on multiple counts. 

in the end, we see janet come to terms with both her cosmic being side, and her human side. she never stops being with the “cockroaches.” she sees them all leave, she’s there for them while they’re there, and she also continues to speak her mind and live autonomously. janet was a non-human character done right. she lived on her own terms, and it was beautiful.

some honorable mentions

spn ignored (in the finale) chuck, amara, stevie, charlie, jody, donna, garth, bess, the other angels, claire, kaia, patience, alex, and the list goes ON in favor of focusing on JUST sam and dean. did none of those characters at least deserve a quick goodbye??????

the good place wrapped up multiple arcs i had completely forgotten about in a totally natural and not forced way. mindy, doug forester, (the mushroom guy, i know, it took me a second), pillboy, donkey doug, kamilah, tahani’s parents, eleanor’s mother, eleanor’s friends, chidi’s best friend, vicki, shawn, glenn, simone and so many that i’m forgetting all got satisfying ends that they totally deserved. 

they even fucking resolved FROG GUY’S arc and gave him a real frog. that’s right. frog guy (jeff) had a better character arc resolution than dean motherfucking winchester. 

heaven and hell

obviously in very different vehicles, both shows explore in depth the realities of the afterlife. and lemme tell ya, at the end of the day, one sits a whole lot better than the other. 

the good place finale ends this quest for the perfect afterlife by saying that everyone can improve and that an eternal paradise shouldn’t keep you from eternal rest. they pretty much make me wish that this is what our afterlife looked like. they handle everything with care so it’s balanced precariously in a way that doesn’t give you anxiety looking at it but instead fills you with peace and faith in humanity. 

supernatural addresses this series long battle between heaven and hell by creating a heaven where you drive for forty years without seeing the people (cough cough cas and jack not his parents) that matter to you and drink beer that tastes like shit. a place you can’t be happy or find any sense of peace until your brother has died and he’s there too.

and hell… well they barely even address it. there’s a new queen of hell i guess? but so what. it’s still very much heaven and hell in a way that’s the worst and hey plus to them… makes me wanna stay alive thank you very much. oh and purgatory is in shambles and not functioning properly cuz all that eve bullshit.

loose ends

whenever something is ending, you gotta tie up the loose ends. not in a “oh, we must wrap everything up and leave no stone unturned” kinda way but in a “wow, we should probably try to make this unambiguous because this is the last time we will ever see these characters” kinda way. 

the good place does that. so fucking masterfully. all these side plots with all these different characters were taken care of all while focusing on the main six characters. we get to see how their intervention has changed everyone else. for example, mindy’s arc is wrapped up perfectly, with eleanor going to save her.

plus different running jokes like “take it sleazy” are wrapped up, we revisit really old callbacks like the original neighborhood, and all of it feels natural and in the moment. it feels like full circle in a way that doesn’t erase growth. 

supernatural, on the other hand, left a million loose ends open. what happened to the boys they saved? where the fuck are jody, donna, etc.? did eileen make it back? cuz sam was pretty upset about that. what happened to it “being loud” in the empty? hell, what happened to the empty? what happened to hell? what about chuck? it woulda been nice to see just for a second what became of him. did charlie and stevie make it (i’m very invested in that relationship)? if we’re taking the original ending… why the fuck is jimmy there? did kansas just all,,, die? 

i’m not saying they needed to address everything… but god a few wrapped up storylines besides the brothers wouldn’t have hurt

coloring

can i just… real quick… as a giffer lodge a complaint

the good place has beautiful vibrant coloring in the finale

spn has like bland washed out whatever the fuck that is coloring. it’s not even the dark early aesthetic cuz they dropped that it’s just… ew. so. do with that what you will. 

conclusion

first… while writing this i realized just HOW MUCH it’s not about destiel… like believe me. i knew i wasn’t just pissed about destiel. but holy shit it’s not destiel at all like did i even mention destiel that much???? this was never about a ship. this was just a trash finale. 

in the end. the good place writers knew what they were doing. they knew their fans, they knew their characters, they knew their world, and they knew how to wrap it up in a way that was satisfying and sad and perfectly fit the tone of the whole show. it wasn’t out of character or rushed, basically every loose end was tied up without the audience even realizing that’s what they were doing, and i feel happy and complete having watched it. 

the supernatural ending was a betrayal. flat out. to the audience that has stuck by it in a way bigger way than the good place fandom. to the characters that have helped so many people. to the actors that have given so much of their lives. to the other members of the crew, to certain writers… all of it was just a slap in the face.

we deserved better guys. there are better endings possible. so i’m sorry. i really am. but i guess… that’s what fanfic is for, right?

[freakygirlie]

J2 are cute together and their chemistry is off the charts. However, I would never tinhat if it wasn't for the inconsistencies in their stories. IF they were just two best bros, there would be no need for the PR cover ups, therefore, there would be no slip ups. They could've just behaved like friends do. Wild idea, right? Maybe fans would still speculate but sooner or later they'd get used to J2 being affectionate buddies. Why try so hard if they're not together? What's there to hide?

EXACTLY ANON EXACTLY! There’s no denying that J2 have loads of chemistry. Supernatural ran so long because of it, the first episode-pilot when it was filmed, they immediately clicked, and everyone who has met them/watched them have said they have tons and tons of chemistry, like genuine actual chemistry and- The OmegaVerse was formed BECAUSE of J2′s chemistry!!! There’s no denying that part

Second the inconsistencies and slip ups and things that have happened. Lord if i started a list it would never end- but i’ll mention some of the most basic ones:

 The Italy Date slip up <3, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM-3ZKiItF4

Jared forgetting the specifics of his dating timeline, he mentioned in his Live With Kelly interview that he was single when he started Supernatural when he was actually dating Sandy then and had been for a while, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jwMN3nvZmE starts at around 4:25

 the classic 2011 LA Con moment where Jensen blatantly insinuated he was sleeping with Jared, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKV1VkODR_w starts at 0:50 ish

 the war that Danneel got into with gossip column writer Ted Casablanca when he said that Danneel and Jensen’s marriage might be fake, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWIfAOftcwk her interview with him and:

Gossip columnist Ted Casablanca once pretty much accused Danneel of her relationship with Jensen being fake. Previously to that spat, he had also written an article in response to double engagement rumors saying that “Jensen and Jared would sooner marry each other than who they’re currently rumored to be getting hitched to. If I’m wrong I’ll get Taryn Ryder a date with Ryan Gosling.”  Years ago, Danneel got into a Twitter war with a Gossip Columnist named Ted Casablanca who used to work for E! when he publicly suggested that her relationship with Jensen was fake and basically that Jensen’s gay. The two of them argued back and forth and after the argument she disappeared from Twitter for a long while. Clearly embarrassed that she had just shown a huge light on a topic she and Jensen didn’t want discussed so publicly with someone who was so well-known in the celebrity gossip entertainment business in Hollywood.

 the time Sandra favorited a tweet which called her a beard, this is a well known tinhat fact. 

the time Jared liked an instagram post which mocked his wife, https://jaredandjensendaily.tumblr.com/post/154473801354/friendly-reminder-16-another-reminder-that

 Jensen slipping up and almost saying he had ‘kids’ before moving to Austin when he only had JJ, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOkH2BChDZg starts at 0:24

the time Genevieve slipped up and used the words contract and negotiation while talk about her and Jared’s relationship, the video off of yt was deletedbut here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CMhc4UfBJt1/

 Richard Lawson, film critic from Vanity Fair saying he heard from a source that the j’s were together, https://jaredandjensendaily.tumblr.com/post/152089621134/friendly-reminder-13-just-a-beautiful-reminder

the way Jensen’s proposal to Danneel was a complete replica of Jared’s proposal to Sandy, AND the way they proposed on the same weekend- the only thing different was the location, they both had taken their wives(or in jared’s case ex-fiancé) out, had wanted to propose but got nervous, the girls had asked what was wrong and they chickened out and proposed in the hotel room instead.

Speaking of the engagements, nearly everything about them was highly suspicious. Both occurred on the same weekend under the guise that each J had no idea the other was proposing, despite having said multiple times that they tell each other everything and showing that to be true through their actions as well. When asked on the spot what his proposal story was, Jensen retold the exact proposal story that had taken place a year earlier with Jared and Sandy, changing only the location.

THE MORTGAGE, THE HOUSE THEY TWO SHARED IN THE BEGINNING OF SPN- THE INCONSISTENCIES WITH THAT ONE WAS OFF THE CHARTS, https://jaredandjensendaily.tumblr.com/post/141213737219/friendly-reminder-3 and https://marrieddorks.tumblr.com/post/114910899842/j2-living-together 

the most recent inconsistency! in the j2 panel, jared slipped up when talking about jackles’s birthday, saying ‘’i was with...on your birthday(he stops as if remembering himself then yells:) HAPPY BIRTHDAY ACKLES!’’  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwXbSC-UWGs around 6:15

and then in the same panel: Jensen shows us a picture he sent to Jared which was supposed to be bear updates bc he’s growing his(GOD THEY DO BEARD UPDATES THE FUCKING CUTIES I CANT) and JENSEN IS SHIRTLESS??? IN THE PICTURE??? SCUSE ME??? also Jared editied it to WAP. God. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwXbSC-UWGs starts at around 44:40 

 the amount of times j2 have been seen together IN VANCOUVER ONLY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY’RE ON HIATUS AND SHOULD BE WITH THEIR WIVES??? (the entirety of 2015) 

and the fact that they’ve been on so many vacations and trips without anyone else :) 

or the way when one of them is narrating a story, the other knows exactly what happened as if they were there, 

AND THE TOUCHING GOD THE TOUCHING THEY’RE SO AFFECTIONATE. https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/j2+touching?sort=recent

Now the PR cover ups. You’re right anon if they were two best buds just doing their thing, why would they try so hard to cover up and hide stuff? Why would PR immediately make j2 wife posts(AND THEY DO IT A LOT) immediately after someone or the other would post a theory about them that would be hit amongst tinhatters or find a fact or a photo that would imply/prove j2 are together? Why would the j’s themselves stumble over stuff that would be suspicious?(that moment when someone at a convention yelled ‘’Because you like like each other?” and instead of brushing it off, j2 delved deep and then they got all flustered and it was a huge thing basically). Why would they not just behave like normal friends who have absolutely nothing to hide???

spoiler alert: because they’re together kjdkjdjsf.

<3

[ssahotchhner]

like real people do

PART TWO

hi! this is my first criminal minds fic, i haven’t watched the show all the way through in several years and while doing a rewatch discovered that i HAD to write hotch. this will be two parts, here’s the first! let me know your thoughts please, i love talking to my readers (:

words: 5837

pairing: hotch x reader

warnings: usual criminal minds nastiness, rape mention, death, curse words

Everyone knew that SSA Aaron Hotchner has been emotionally unavailable since his divorce, so everyone was that much more surprised when he kissed you at the bar in front of all your colleagues at the BAU. You wouldn’t lie, you had had a crush on Aaron for years now, but you had imagined your hypothetical romance much differently. As it was, Aaron had immediately left the bar in a flurry of embarrassment, murmuring a hurried apology on his way out leaving you to the unabashed teasing of your coworkers that you had pretended to brush off. Now, days later, Aaron still refused to so much as look at you.

“Y/N,” Morgan rolled his chair over to your desk, “I’m dying to know, is Hotch a good kisser?”

You sigh, “Fuck off, Derek.”

“Leave the poor girl alone, Derek,” Rossi says as he passes by, “Don’t you think it’s bad enough Hotch is giving her the silent treatment now?”

You tried to hide the way the tears pricked the back of your eyes at his comment, but you were surrounded by FBI profilers.

Morgan lowered his voice and reach out his hand to touch your arm, “Hey, babygirl, I’m sorry, I was just teasing, maybe you should try talking to Hotch--”

“Talking to me about what?” Aaron had been so quiet walking up on you and your head had been low, so focused on not crying that you hadn’t heard him.

“Nothing.” You say quickly, and as expected he avoids making eye contact, “Do you need something, sir?” You don’t miss the way he flinches at the formality. Good.

“We have a new case.” He says simply and walks away.

Morgan let out a low whistle, “You really hit him with the ‘sir.’” You started to get up from your desk, but Morgan put a hand on your arm again, “Seriously, Y/N, I’m sorry. If you need to talk I’m here.”

You sighed and stood up again, forcing a smile, “There’s nothing to talk about Derek, I’m fine. Now come on.”

“We have a serial rapist in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.” JJ starts immediately as everyone files in. You feel Morgan’s gaze on you the entire time and try not to get frustrated. He’s been like a brother to you since you joined the BAU a few years ago and you know this overprotectiveness was just him being a good friend, but it was bound to drive you nuts. “Victims are all white women ranging from their late teens to early twenties at a local university.”

“Why are we being called in for a rapist on a college campus?” Reid asks, “I don’t mean to be insensitive, but we all know the statistics. There are dozens of serial rapists on college campuses.”

“Because this one is torturing them while he rapes them and leaves them notes leading up to the attacks.” Hotch says as Penelope begins to pull up pictures on the screen of these women. “Slut, whore, bitch, cunt. All carved on their chests.” You do your best to hide the nausea that rises in you as you look at the pictures. Do your job. You remind yourself.

“What do the notes say?” Emily asks.

“They seem like thinly veiled threats,” Reid begins, “They sound romantic at first glance, but if you read closely you can see the context.” 

“He breaks into their dorms when they’re at class or at parties and waits for them to come home and then he holds them at knifepoint so they won’t scream.” Penelope says, trying not to let her voice shake.

“Risky to do in a dorm building and no one’s seen him?” Morgan says.

Rossi ponders this, “That means he must blend in, someone no one would think twice about being inside. A student, an RA, or a university official.”

“University officials don’t normally enter student dorms unless there’s an issue, they’d be more likely to stand out and students would talk about them showing up.” Hotch muses.

“Y/N, you’re awful quiet today,” Emily nudges your elbow, “What do you think?”

You can feel everyone’s eyes on you, but Aaron’s. Still looking at his manila folder as if Emily hadn’t addressed you. As if you didn’t exist. You clear your throat, “I think the RA or student theory makes sense. We should probably interview the RA of the first victim, assuming he’s a man. It would make sense to me that he would start with one of his own students and then begin to branch out. Maybe he thought he could stop, get that release he needed after just one, but the need only grew stronger.”

“Wheels up in thirty, we’ll discuss more on the plane.” Hotch says and stands, walking out of the room without another glance.

“Did something happen last night at the bar?” Emily murmurs, the only member of the team who didn’t make it out the night before, “Hotch is acting really weird around you.”

Derek snickers on the other side of you and you elbow him, “That’s it, I’m going to talk to him.”

Reid winces, “Good luck.”

“It’ll be fine, kid.” Rossi says and squeezes your shoulder as you pass.

You take a long breath before you finally build the courage to walk into Aaron’s office where he’s packing his briefcase. “Sir, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Can it wait until we’re on the plane, agent?”

Agent. You roll your eyes toward the ceiling, “No, sir, it can’t.” You can’t hide the bite in your words this time. He finally looks at you, really looks at you. You wonder what he sees.

“Close the door.” He says quietly and then sits behind his desk.

You walk slowly to the seat in front of his desk. This time, he watches you. “This is the first time you’ve looked at me all day.”

“I wasn’t aware you were analyzing me.”

“Are you telling me you haven’t been analyzing me all day?”

“Agent, what is this about? We have a plane to catch.”

You stare at him for a few moments longer, “Fine,” You stand, “If you want to pretend nothing happened, I’ll do the same. But if you could at least stop ignoring me, that would be great.”

“Agent--”

“And use my goddamn name, for Christ’s sake.”

He stares at you and you know he hates your emotional outburst and that in turn makes you hate yourself. “Then you stop calling me ‘sir.’” He says quietly.

Your eyes soften for just a moment and then you storm back out of his office nearly plowing over Rossi as you leave. Rossi walks into Aaron’s office to see him rubbing his forehead, “Well that doesn’t look like it went well.”

“I screwed up, Rossi.” 

“Oh, come on Hotch, it was just one kiss. It didn’t mean anything--”

“It did mean something. To me. Maybe not to her.”

Rossi shakes his head, “Then why are you giving her the cold shoulder?”

Hotch sighs, “Because we work together, because she doesn’t feel the same, because she’s the first woman I’ve kissed since Haley. Pick a reason.” Rossi looks like he’s going to interject, but Hotch stands, “We don’t have time for this, Rossi, let’s go.”

Rossi sighs as he watches Aaron walk out of his office and follows after.

***

You’re quiet most of the plane ride, conscious of the looks everyone is giving you as you read the information in the manila folder over and over, trying to be good at your job instead of thinking about your boss.

“When we get off the plane, JJ and Prentiss, you go talk to the victims. Rossi and I will touch base with the police. Morgan, Reid, Y/N, you go talk to anyone you can find at the dorms, see if anyone’s seen anyone suspicious.” You make it a point not to react, but everyone else reacts anyway, watching you carefully. Hotch almost always assigns himself with you. 

“If you guys don’t stop psychoanalyzing me I will eject myself from this plane.” 

Everyone looks away except Aaron and when you meet his eyes, he’s smirking. Those smiles are so rare and you can’t deny how it satisfies you to know you were the reason he did so. You quickly look back down at your work, careful not to reveal anything you’re feeling.

***

“Do you have feelings for Hotch?” Reid asks without preamble when you’re in the car with Derek.

“Spencer!” You exclaim in outrage. Derek just laughs from the driver’s seat.

“What? You both wouldn’t be being so weird about one kiss if it wasn’t something more.”

“Okay, Romeo, remember that she’s armed.” Derek cautioned.

“He’s my boss, Reid. It’s weird because he’s my boss.”

“Well, sure, by definition Hotch is our superior but we all know--” Reid cut himself off when he saw the look Derek was giving him in the rearview mirror, “Yeah, you’re right, it’s weird.” He said quickly.

You sigh and turn to the window and ignore Derek and Spencer the rest of the ride.

***

“So you mean to tell me that ten women have come forward about being raped in their dorms and you told them to consider themselves lucky they weren’t murdered and sent them home without doing a rape kit?” Aaron’s furious. Furious with himself for the previous night and he’s more than happy to take out that anger on the local Milwaukee police department.

“Look, man, we get a lot of he said she said in here, we don’t have the time or the man power to follow up on every one.”

Just then his phone rings. It’s you. He wishes he could ignore the pang that goes through him just from reading your name. “Hotch.” He answers.

“Sir-- I mean, Aaron.” You correct yourself quickly, and then realize you should have called him Hotch, but it’s too late. “They’ve found a body.”

He frowns, “A body? That doesn’t fit his MO.”

You swallow, “Yeah, well, everything else does. He seems to have gotten a little carried away with the carving this time.”

“We’ll be right there.”

You hang up your phone and then turn back to Reid and Morgan who are looking over the crime scene. You sit with Victoria’s, the victim’s, distraught roommate and try to calm her and maybe get some actual information out of her. You don’t hear or see Aaron walk in until he’s already next to you, “Did you get anything from her?”

His closeness makes it hard to focus, “Just regular roommate stuff, she might be more useful once she calms down. I asked if her roommate had a boyfriend or anything like that and she said she was quiet, kept to herself. Boys were out of the question.”

“He’s escalated. Why?”

You shrug, “Could be because we’re here, that might have upset him and he lost control. But it could have been an accident, roommate says Victoria had a heart condition. The stress of the situation might have killed her.”

Hotch nods, “Good work.”

He was trying to be normal, you could tell. And he was trying so hard. “Thank you.” You said softly and then you excused yourself. Everything about him set you on edge and over and over the moment he kissed you plays in your head.

***

You’re both laughing to near snorting while sitting at the bar and Aaron can’t stop watching you, “You have an incredible laugh, you know?” He says softly when you’ve both settled down. “Sometimes when I think this job isn’t worth it, I’ll hear your laugh outside my office and just that sound…” He realizes what he’s saying suddenly and turns his head away from you smiling at his drink now.

“You make it worth it for me too.” You say and his eyes are back on you, “You so rarely ever smile, but when you smile at me… It makes it all worth it. The long hours, the horrible cases… all of it.”

When you look back at him he’s suddenly serious again. You can see his eyes calculating as he searches your face and you realize with a bit of shock that he’s trying to see if you’re lying. When his eyes finally settle back on yours, he gently reaches up, almost without thinking about it and curls a loose piece of hair behind your ear.

And then in the next second, his hand still on your face, his mouth is on yours.You forget that there’s anyone else in the world for those few seconds that he kisses you. Until everyone on the team starts jeering and Aaron pulls away like he’s seen a ghost.

“Aaron?” You say, frowning as he jumps up from his seat, not looking at you and gathering his things.

“I’m sorry.” Is all he murmurs and then runs out.

Derek’s laughing as he walks up to you, “Damn, princess. You broke Hotch! I gotta say, you’re incredibly out of his league.” You glare at him. “What? You’re out of my league too.”

You smile at that and try to act like everything’s normal, but you’re sure Spencer notices that you drink more and laugh a little too loudly.

***

You’re pulled back from the memory as JJ walks toward you, “Hey, you alright?”

“Yeah,” You nod, “Fine, just needed a second alone to think.”

She stops in front of you and rests her hand on your arm, lightly squeezing, “You can talk to me, you know, about men. Even Hotch.”

You smile, “I appreciate everyone’s concern, but I’m fine, really. It’s not that big a deal.”

“It’s a big deal if it starts interfering with the job, and I can see it on both of you,” She’s stern all of a sudden, “I know he’s our boss, but underneath that he’s just any other man, Y/N. Don’t let him fool you into thinking otherwise.”

“Guys,” Derek interrupts, sticking his head out into the hallway, “You’re gonna wanna see this.”

When you come back in the room, Spencer is crouched over the body, gloves on, examining the carvings in her body, “There’s hesitation in the cuts this time and you can tell they were done after she was dead. And if you look a little bit closer…”

“‘Sorry…’” You read the small script, astonished. “Remorse. It was an accident.” Your eyes dart back and forth as you lose yourself in your own thoughts while the rest of the team discusses, “I think we can deliver the profile.”

***

“We’re looking for a white male in his early to mid twenties.” Hotch starts, “He most likely is able to gain the women’s trust, maybe he’s a student RA or a student tech worker, but they let him in without a second thought.”

“I thought he breaks into the dorms and waits for them?” A cop asks.

“He does,” You say, “But the initial access is how he chooses his victims. He’s a loner, doesn’t have many friends, certainly no girlfriend. It’s possible that he asks these girls on dates when he first meets them, and when they refuse he feels entitled to them anyway which is why he comes back for the rape.”

“What about the murder?” Another cop asks.

“We believe the death of the last girl was an accident.” Reid responds, “She had a heart condition and the medical examiner has confirmed she died from sudden cardiac arrest. The unsub even seemed to show remorse when he defiled the body after, carving the word ‘sorry’ into her body.”

“The killing has most likely set him on edge. He’s remorseful, upset, overcome with immense guilt, but he blames the women. If they had just said yes to him, he wouldn’t have to do this. She wouldn’t have died.” Derek continues, “You should be looking for someone who was soft spoken, but as the rapes started he became more assertive, maybe he had an altercation with a professor or supervisor.”

“You’ve probably interviewed him already,” You say, “He inserts himself into the investigation because he feels guilt and watching the investigation play out validates that he was right for doing what he did.” You sigh, “There’s one more thing. He didn’t intend to kill Victoria, but… He spent time with the body after she had passed. He mutilated her as well as continued his rape of her afterward. It’s possible that he enjoyed the kill and will kill the next time as well. So stay vigilant and… please tell the girls not to let any men in their dorms. Thank you.”

Aaron comes up to you, “Can I speak to you alone for a moment?”

You nod and follow him into a conference room and he closes the door behind you, “You’re really an incredible profiler, agent.”

Again with the ‘agent.’ “Thank you, sir.”

“I just wanted to assure you that I will remain nothing but professional around you from here on out.”

You tilted your head to the side and you knew the pain was evident on your face as you didn’t try to hide it, “I see.”

“You’re upset.”

You laugh, “Did you mean anything you said at the bar, Aaron, or were you just drunk?” You’re aware of how vulnerable you’re being in front of him now as you can hear the tears in your own voice.

You see him calculating what the best response is and this just infuriates you more, “Forget it, you’re just going to talk to me like some unsub, trying to best figure out what to say to calm me down.”

He shakes his head, “That’s not what I’m doing.”

You start to walk out and stop to stand next to him, “You just said yourself I’m an incredible profiler, so please don’t profile me and think I won’t notice.”

He closes his eyes as you continue walking out, “Y/N, wait.” Despite yourself, you do stop at the sound of your name. “I’m sorry, I-- I meant the things I said at the bar, I’m… But I’m your boss and I don’t want to make it difficult for you to do your job.”

You force a smile and look up at him, “Don’t worry, Hotch, won’t be a problem.”

And then you’re gone and he gets the feeling you won’t call him Aaron ever again.

***

Spencer walks in the entrance of the dorm you’ve been staking out, two coffees in hand. He hands one to you wordlessly, “Have you gotten any sleep?”

“Obviously not.” You sigh and happily guzzle the coffee, “Thanks.”

“Hotch is upset.”

“About what?” You murmur, half paying attention, half going over the case again on the papers in front of you.

“About you, obviously.”

You don’t look up, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. How do you even know Hotch is upset? He always looks like he’s pissed at something.”

“Because I’m a profiler. Everyone knows he’s off, no one will say to his face that it’s because of you.”

You sigh and look up at him, “Spencer, we’re fine, okay? We’re adults.” He’s quiet, but he won’t stop staring at you, “What?”

“I know that I’m… not the most perceptive when it comes to emotions, but… I think he’s in love with you. And I’m pretty sure you’re in love with him.”

You smirk, “And what makes you think that, Mr. Profiler?”

He smiles back, “Well, Hotch is always watching you, mostly when you’re not looking and when he does his expression sort of… softens. He almost always assigns the two of you together when giving the unit assignments, which I think is partially because he likes to be around you, but also because he’s trying to protect you, especially after that hostage situation a few months ago. He was a wreck when you were in there. Screaming at everyone, I really thought he would kill the unsub when he found him.”

“He would do that for any of us, when any of us were in danger.” You said, quickly shaking your head to dismiss the idea.

But Spencer shakes his head, “You didn’t see him. It was different.”

“Spencer, he barely gave me a pat on the back when I left that hostage situation alive.”

“That’s because he doesn’t trust himself around you. Why do you think the only time he’s ever given you a hint at the way he feels was when he was drunk?”

Your head is spinning as you look at Spencer, “No, that doesn’t make any sense--”

“It makes perfect sense and I know you know that.” Spencer’s phone rings, “Reid.” He sighs and lowers his head, “Where? Okay, we’ll be right there.” He hangs up the phone, “There’s another body.”

You sigh, “I really hate being right.”

***

“You were right,” Hotch says from behind you, “He’s discovered he likes killing.”

It was never easy looking at bodies, but somehow it was always worse when you had predicted it and still not been able to stop it, “How did he do it?”

“Manual strangulation.”

“Has anyone checked for skin or blood under her fingernails? Sign of a struggle?”

Aaron nods, “Already scraped off and sent to Garcia.”

“Even if she can’t find a match, we’ll be able to narrow down suspects by the injuries she left.”

“The school is panicking, they want to evacuate the campus.”

“If they evacuate we’ll never find him, he’ll just start again somewhere else.”

“That’s what I told them.”

You sigh, “Why are the girls still letting him in?”

“Maybe they’re not,” Hotch mused, “Maybe he’s starting to pick the girls from his classes now that we’re here.”

“The last two victims, do we have their schedules? Their majors?”

“They were both nursing majors,” Emily interjects, “Third year.”

You nod, “Okay, so by that point, third year, majority of their classes are restricted to nursing majors only.” You flip your phone open and dial Penelope.

“Hello my delightful fairy princess, what can I do for you?”

“Garcia, the last two victims, can you cross reference their class schedules and tell me if they had any classes in common?”

“Yes, just a second… Three classes in common.”

“Okay, cross reference with the remaining victims.”

“Um, okay, wow, all of them had two classes in common.”

“Shit.” You mutter, “Can you send over the class rosters of both those classes, but just the men. And also send pictures.”

“You got it.”

“Thanks, Penelope.”

You shake your head, “They were all nursing majors.” You say as you hang up, “How did we miss that?”

Reid was shaking his head, “We didn’t have a lot of time to interview the victims before the first body turned up.”

“Alright, we need everyone looking through those rosters, rounding up every male we can and interviewing them.” Hotch starts, “Y/N, you’re with me for interviews, the rest of you keep in touch with Garcia and find out anything you can.”

You try to ignore the shock you feel that he picked you this time, noting Reid’s raised eyebrows as he left the room. “You sure you want me on interviews?” You ask when you’re alone.

He’s looking at all the evidence on the corkboard, “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Wasn’t sure if you would want to work closely with me anymore.” You say, standing next to him now and also looking over the evidence.

He looks at you now, “You have the same features as a lot of the victims, I’m hoping it’ll get a rise out of our unsub if we find him.”

You nod, “Makes sense.”

“And,” He says pointedly until you meet his eyes, “As I’ve said already, you’re an excellent agent and I could use your help on this.”

You heave a big sigh, “Okay, how do you wanna play it?”

He shrugs, “I think you already know what role I need you to play.”

***

This is maybe the tenth or so interview you and Hotch had done with no success. You were tired of playing this role, especially in front of Hotch.

“Jordan.” You smile sweetly at him, making sure to lean over the table just a little to give him the view he wants, “Did you know either of these girls?” You lay the pictures of the last couple victims on the table, wait to see his reaction. He brings his hands up to rest on the table and you see the shallow scratch marks on them, you share a discreet look with Hotch who barely nods in acknowledgement.

He stares for far too long. Hotch notices his hands clench into fists. He’s excited by the bodies.

“Yeah, I knew them.” He’s still looking at the pictures, “They were in two of my classes.” He finally looks up and gazes at you hungrily, “You seem awful young to be an FBI agent.”

You smile again and then look away, a sign of submission. “Stop flirting with my agent.” Hotch says placing his palms abruptly on the table. Jordan doesn’t flinch at Hotch’s presence, not taking his eyes off you. He’s more confident than either of you anticipated. Was the profile wrong or is this the wrong guy? “How did you know the victims?”

“I just told you, from class.”

“Did you ever see them outside of class?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know, maybe, to do a project, not in a while though.”

“Jordan, do you know if either of the girls had a boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?” He frowns, “Those two? No.” He practically scoffs.

You tilt your head to the side, “Why do you say it like that?”

“Those girls aren’t the boyfriend type. They’re whores.” There’s the bitterness in his voice.

You try to make your face as empathetic as possible, “What do you mean by that, Jordan?”

“Well, you know, they slept around… Wouldn’t give a nice guy like me a chance. You must know their type, you’re the FBI.”

You nod, “It must be so hard for a handsome, smart guy like you to get rejected. I can’t imagine why anyone would dream of missing out on that,” You shake your head, “Their loss.”

Hotch audibly scoffs and you watch Jordan glare at him. He’s getting angry. Good. “Hotch, why don’t you go get Jordan a water?”

Hotch blinks at you, trying to figure out if you had really just given him an order, “Agent, I am the lead interrogator on this case, I’m not leaving you alone in here--”

“Agent Hotchner,” You turn in your seat to face him, hoping he’ll read your expression, “Please get the young man a water, he’s been in here for hours.”

His eyes search your face for a few moments and then he leaves the room without another word. He won’t be getting Jordan a water. You know he’s watching carefully from the other side of the glass. “Sorry about him.” You say, “He doesn’t understand men like you.”

“Men like me?”

“Men who know how to get what they want.”

His face transforms as he watches you and he leans back in his chair, relaxed, legs spread to assert his dominance. “And you understand that?”

“There’s nothing sexier than a man who goes after what he wants… No matter what.”

He leans forward and whispers, “Even when they beg me to stop?”

You swallow past your disgust and, though you hate to admit it, fear, “Did they beg you to stop? Victoria and Erica?”

His smile widens as he watches you, “You remind me so much of them.”

“Can you tell me what you did to them? How you killed them?”

He licks his lips now, you think he’s lost all sense of where he is, falling for the delusion you’ve set in front of him, “You’re just like them, a dirty little slut. You want to be punished, don’t you?”

“Please.” Is the last word you whisper before he practically jumps across the table to grab your throat. Your chair falls backwards and he’s on top of you, crushing your windpipe. How could you forget that he was uncuffed? Hotch rushes in, he yells as he pulls Jordan off you, but you’re not sure what he’s saying. Then he’s cuffed Jordan and taken you out of the room.

“Sit.” Aaron says, ushering you to a chair that you practically fall into. You’re still coughing and you’re shaking a bit as Aaron gives you a water.

“I forgot,” You start, your voice hoarse, but Hotch brings the water cup to your mouth, insisting you drink before talking. You take a couple swallows, “I forgot he wasn’t cuffed.”

He shakes his head, “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have left you alone with him.”

“No, I needed you on the other side of the glass. He wouldn’t have fallen for the delusion otherwise. I needed him to forget who I was and just see me as a potential victim.” Aaron wouldn’t meet your eyes, not wanting to admit that you were right, “I’m going back in there.”

“No, you’re not, that’s out of the question.”

“Is that an order, sir?” He scans your face in frustration, “You know it has to be me. He won’t talk to you. I’ll be fine.”

He sighs and rubs a hand over his face, “Fine. Ask him about Erica, don’t ask about Victoria.”

“Why?”

“Because he didn’t kill Victoria himself, it’ll ruin the fantasy and he might lie to you to try to impress you. The details of the murders weren’t shared with the public, only the unsub would know how each of them died. He needs to reveal how he killed Erica to you and then we’ll have him.”

“Okay.” You stand and hold your hands behind you so he won’t see them shaking, but he’s a profiler. The attempt is mute.

He takes a step closer, “You don’t have to go back in there,” He says softly, “No one will think less of you.”

When he’s this close, looking at you with such concern, it makes you want to melt in his arms. But you had a job to do, “I can do this.”

And before he can make you think about it more, you turn away from him and march back in the interrogation room.

“Sorry about that,” You sit back down at the table and smile at him, “My partner gets a little jealous sometimes.” You lean in and whisper, “He’s usually the only one I let handle me like that.”

Just like that he’s back, “Why don’t you uncuff me so we can continue?”

You bite your lip, “I’d like to hear more about the other girls first.”

***

“Why is she in there by herself?” Rossi came up behind Aaron who was watching the unsub’s every move, ready to jump in again if needed.

“She insisted.” Hotch says simply, “She almost has him.”

Rossi sighs, “She’s stubborn. Like someone else I know.”

Hotch is quiet for a moment, “I can’t be with her, Rossi, it could ruin her career.”

“You can’t know that. And besides, don’t you think that should be her decision to make?”

Hotch doesn’t answer, he just continues watching you.

***

“Does it turn you on hearing what I’ve done to them?”

You’re sitting on your hands now, trying to stifle the growing panic in your head that was telling you to get out. He’s unarmed, he’s cuffed, Aaron is right there. He can’t hurt you. “You have no idea.” It came out breathless from your fear, but he interpreted it as desire.

“First, I knocked her out, tied her to the bed. Then I waited for her to wake up before I began. I stripped her clothes off her at that point and then I fucked her while she cried,” He’s smiling at you and you’re doing all you can to keep your expression neutral. “I took out the knife and started carving her up. You should have heard her beg. And then, when that’s all finished, I strangled her while I came inside her.” He leans over the table to get closer to you, and it takes everything in you not to move away, “Have you ever watched the light leave someone’s eyes, sweetheart?”

You calmly scoot your chair back and stand, buttoning your shirt back up and then resting your hand on your gun, reminding him of who you really are, “Thank you, Jordan. You’ve been incredibly helpful in this investigation.” And then turn to leave ignoring the way he calls after you.

When you exit the room, Aaron and Dave are both waiting for you and you sit down, exhausted, resting your head in your hands.

“Nice work, kid.” Dave says with a squeeze on your shoulder, and then he’s gone.

Then, there’s another touch on your back, more gentle and hesitant. You look up to see Aaron watching you, concern masking his face, “I’m fine, Hotch.” You say, shrugging him off.

His hand drops and you immediately regret it. “When you were taken those months ago, by that unsub…” His words are slow, as if making sure this is what he really wants to say to you. You know exactly what he’s going to say before he says it, “He raped you, didn’t he?” Your eyes snap up to meet his. “You would never tell us what actually happened, all those hours he had you, a sexual sadist.” He shakes his head, “There’s no way he would’ve been able to control himself.”

You shake your head just lightly, “I can’t do this now, Aaron.”

“Then when?” He’s frustrated now, borderline angry, “You lied at your psych eval, you said nothing happened, we let you come back after just a couple of weeks--”

“And I’m doing just fine, aren’t I?” You stand so you’re nearly eye level with him.

“You think I didn’t notice the way you almost fell apart in there?”

“But I didn’t. I finished it and I did a damn good job and you know it.”

Hotch erases all traces of emotion from his face as he stares you down, “You’re suspended for two weeks, effective immediately. Hand over your badge and gun, agent.”

You nearly stumble back from him as if you’ve been hit, “Aaron?”

“What’s going on?” Prentiss has entered the room now followed by the rest of the team, all watching with confused and worried expressions.

“You heard me.” Hotch says, never taking his eyes off you. You make no moves to take out your badge or gun, “Now, agent.” There’s bite to his words this time.

You feel humiliated. With the whole team watching, you place your gun and badge on the table and brush by Aaron without a second glance. Pushing past the team, even Spencer who reaches for you.

“What the hell was that, Hotch?” Derek says once you’ve left.

“She lied in order to pass her psych eval. I did what I had to do.” Everyone’s staring at him, but he walks by, seemingly unphased, “Good work, everyone. Get some rest, we go home tomorrow at first light.”

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hiiii!!! 💫💕🌸🥳

Can I bother with a question... I was (re)watching that zhang qiling edit (not today) - 'cause it's so cool, btw- and I wondered if Reboot Xiaoge’s your favourite one...? And if you're up to answering, what do you think about the other adaptations? Especially (our small bean) xiao yuliang's interpretation of xiaoge?

🤗🌺💐🐰💕

Hey, my precious patootie hehe ILY it always makes me very happy knowing that you rewatch my vids <3

lol dang it, I was kinda hoping to avoid this question, just because I feel like I'd find it hella hard to explain some things, but I'll try my best and hopefully it'll make some sense xD

I'll start from afar bc I wanna try to explain my reasonings, since I don't want to go without arguments into such highly debated question lolz. I talked about this a bit in my previous asks somewhere, but not broadly as to why that one guy hit all the right spots.

So throughout the books Wu Xie always does this wonderful thing, where he very tangibly describes the feeling he gets when Xiaoge is near, I mean like the aura around him. And he always somehow does it so colorful, that this mix of safety, assurance, calmness, composure and some things I can't quite put into one noun, that he brings to him, I think everyone who've read the books can recognize as this almost magical "Xiaoge feeling". It's not just the way he acts in some dangerous situations or smth like that. It's just everything. You either have it or you don't. And here goes my first argument... to me none of them, except for Huang Junjie and Yuliang have it.

I mean it's not even the obvious stuff, it's like the way they move during the action scenes, the way they even stand and hold themselves, the way they touch Wu Xie, the tone of their voices (both of which are like soothing as fuck), little things you'd think wouldn't matter, but when you watch it and all the puzzle pieces are together, you're like... fuck yeah, thats him.

Also not really that weighty of a point, but to me there's always a joy to see that the actor who plays the character not only gets what's he's playing, but also loves it, bc it's always seen on screen. Usually when some asked about the character they play and what they have in common for example they answer with obvious things like if some character is introverted they're like "well I also don't talk very much" or smth like that, you know what I mean. When I was watching interviews of Yuliang and Huang Junjie I was just smiling so much, bc they've said such things that made me go "yeah, Qiling is safe in their hands".

In Reboot case working in such close proximity with the author definitely also played a huge role here. Bc it kinda gets complicated in some aspects since the books are written from Wu Xie's point of view and you can't only base your picture on his perspective, just bc it's coming from a person who after being basically told "you're my whole world" goes "I'm just a person he randomly passes by in his long life" in his thoughts. Not only he's utterly clueless and dumb when it comes to all this, that he wouldn't notice the way Qiling looks at him and other things, its also not that kind of book, that would go "I suddenly caught poker face looking at me like I'm his whole existence" (and I honestly don't want it to be that book lmao). So you have to take into the account here stuff like what author says to get the whole picture, bc if you look at that from the point of Qiling's view for example, this shit takes a whole wild turn. So I really loved that in UN and Reboot ways of showing Qiling's feelings were well thought out and fit the timeline.

Bc it also works both ways, when it comes to other adaptations. Like Qiling is very and I mean ETREMELY hard to win over. We all know that it was a very long process of gaining his trust and even longer for him to fall for Wu Xie to the point of him being his everything. So what I want in those interpretations is for them to get at which point of their relationships what Xiaoge's behavior makes sense. I do not need any fanservice if it ruins the character, I'll just hate it. The thing that their feelings didn't come out of nowhere is what I LOVE about this ship, bc I'm not the kind of person who believes in "we love for nothing" thing and love at first sight thing (only "got hots for each other" at first sight), bc thats bull. Wu Xie became his everything after a long LONG process of getting to know each other. At the beginning tho he was the same stranger to him as everyone else. So what Reboot Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie yet and what UN's Qiling feels for Wu Xie is not what Lost Tomb's Qiling feels for Wu Xie (which at that point was nothing). And I feel like not everyone gets the fact that you can totally wreck the character if you make him behave not the way he behaved in that particular time. Like for example, if someone would make a MDZS adaptation where at the very beginning of their relationships LZ treats WWX the way he treated him after the reincarnation just because "who cares, it's still LZ", that would be dumb af, see what I mean. So Xiaoge having a weakness for Wu Xie in part one is automatically not a Xiaoge to me, bc a huge part of his character and the thing NPSS speaks a lot about is just how IMPOSSIBLE it is for someone to catch his attention and how long it took Wu Xie to get there. So let's just say to me UN and Reboot Qilings for the first time didn't feel like some mashup or character summary/parody, they were Qilings the way they are supposed to be in that part of the story, bc it was the only times someone actually bothered to coordinate it.

Now as to why I prefer one to another. Xiaoge has this thing... the way he holds himself with other people, that is sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally suppressing.

Like everyone knows that if you're a passerby, Qiling genuinely doesn't fucking care and would in fact be pretty harsh about it in terms of treating people like they do not deserve their attention. He won't be like "please, don't bother me", he simply ignored them like an empty space. He is also like that with acquaintances who in his opinion do not deserve his respect like that girl who went hysterical, bc she was upset that he was the only one who wasn't drooling on her like all other men on the crew, Chen Wenjin, Wu Xie's uncles and etc. He's not openly disrespectful unless they trigger him in some way (usually by trying to act superior or later on for not treating Wu Xie right), but if they do, he will in fact remind them their place in sometimes a very rude way, at times humiliating them in front of ppl bc he looks younger than them and talking starts.

He's always doing things on his own terms and hates being told what to do. Like he legit scared Chen Wenjin just with a look and the tone of his voice when he said "let go", when she tried to command him on the mission and grabbed him trying to lecture him about what he should or shouldn't do. That's why Wu Erbai didn't even try anything like this and let him do whatever he needed to do and equally lead the mission in Reboot. And why the scene where Wu Xie 'commands' "Xiaoge, come back" and he immediately listens holds another special place in my heart. Bc he NEVER and I mean NEVER allows such things to ANYONE.

So here I came to a point of why despite loving them both dearly, my favorite Xiaoge is Huang Junjie.

I have this dissonance with Yuliang's version when to me in many scenes it felt like he and Wu Xie are the same age. Like if he was Xiaoge, but in his 20s. In his interactions with Chen Wenjin the dynamics was turned upside down, with him being okay with her telling him what to do and just in general the way she behaved with him. Same as like I didn't always quite believe him to be on par with older generation or even Pangzi, it just felt like he was truly younger than them. Some scenes that I do find extremely cute just don't fit book Xiaoge at all, I'm talking about some moments like his face when Wu Xie gave him food, or him pouting and many things he's done, when you were going "uwu he's a baby". He just never gives me this feeling in the books ever, not just bc he's 100 years old, but sad fact here.. bc he's simply unable to behave that way. Like in the books you'll desperately want to shower him with love, but he's just... I can't quite explain, it's very sad.

I guess it's just you know these characters, who are like hundreds years old, but look like they're 18? I think you have to be very careful with how you write those, so you could deliver that. And in UN because of some changed dynamics and scenes I straight up forgot about it, until Wu Xie threw some joke like "he's an old man" in front of a restaurant.

In Reboot Xiaoge could make Wu Erbai stutter with one move, put Yuliang's version in the same scene, I just don't think it would've worked. Like I'm trying to imagine him telling UN's Wu Erbai what to do and having troubles already haha. Same as I don't think he's capable to be genuinely mad at Wu Xie, and HJJ nailed it esp in one of my fav when Wu Xie was laughing at Pangzi's joke about him catching cold. The look he gave him and how ZYL just retreated was priceless xD. And boy could Qiling get angry with him in the books!

Otherwise I didn't have any drastic fall outs there, like with Joseph's Wu Xie and Ah Ning's death, because that was just too much of a difference, but there were still moments where it was once again this the same scene completely different emotion thing. He was more tolerable to ppl in general here, more pliable. And 50% of the time he gave me the cute lost kitten type, which I just cannot connect with the feeling he gave me in the books. His personality is a cat type 100%, but like seriously "cute baby" is the last word combination I would ever apply to book Xiaoge, but with Yuliang's version it's easily applied. So small bean he is indeed. With Joseph and in UN it works incredibly perfect to me, but the way he is in UN is at times too gentle. And there are lots of scenes where Joseph himself looked at him in a way "you're too cute, let me pinch your cheeks" kind of way, or the way he like sat down next to him on the coast, he was a bit babying him at times. I can't imagine book pingxie doing that. It's just a whole different vibe, the way he takes care of him, the way he lets him take care of him... it's...uuuuuuuuu another vibe (see, I'm so good at explaining lmao).

It's also kinda funny to me, bc HJJ who's the smallest and who irl truly a kitten never once gave me that feeling on screen for some reason. The one babied and loved by every crew and old ppl, who was cutely hiding behind ZYL's back on set, who won't sue an ex who almost ruined his career bc of how stupid she is, bc he "didn't want to hurt her", who according to staff can't even step on a fly, whom CMH was petting for several minutes after he had to hit him with a prop brick bc he didn't wanna do it lmao. I was just like.. ok, this is hilarious, bc I in fact didn't expect him to be a small bean, so watching all the bts made me go LOOOOL. Probably ZYL acting like a 3 year old helped him transform and the age difference problem got lost lmao

As for other adaptations. You know I can't watch seriously "Lost Tomb", I think some ppl probably have some nostalgic feeling about it, but I'm sorry, to me it's fucking hilarious. Like I've already said it looks like some type of twilight parody thing or smth. Soft damselle Wu Xie esp killed me, bc 1st when he ever was that, 2nd in the first book he's salty af, I don't even know this dude in this interpretation, I was like who's this. YangYang I know him from other things, I really don't think it's his role. I know the script and everything is bad. I know the costume and hair are horrendously funny, but it's just I was watching him in those action scenes and was like no... just I'm sorry but I'm not feeling it. I simply just don't know what to say about the whole thing seriously, bc I don't even know where to start. 10 episodes of some salad finished with one mutilated scene from book 6 for no reason the fact that characters are weird themselves also I can't quite tell, did they really just meet or they imply smth else lmao.. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

I've given LT2 another try after finishing all the books and I've dropped it half way through, Cheng Yi wasn't even close to how I pictured Xiaoge in any aspect. He in fact didn't do anything OOC or off the book or anything, I just was like "not my Qiling". Happens sometimes.

Explore with the note you already know how I feel about this lol let's just forget.

P.S. To be fair here also maybe we should take into account the fact that some got luckier than other with "at which point" Xiaoge they're playing. Like for example, "Wrath of the Sea" and "Qingling Tree" books which is LT2 is not exactly you can say much about Qiling there, he trolls them there in the beginning (in a brilliant way that was totally lost in the adaptation) and he is there in "Wrath of Sea", but it's not the part that can make his character shine in any way, there's not much things happening there that would make you fall for him or get to know him; Yuliang grabbed the fattest piece bc it's middle several books, when they're always together and his character shines the most in terms of clues about past, opening up to Wu Xie and Pangzi, and there are many many events where you can get the picture of what kind of man he is; Huang Junjie grabbed my fav piece of utter devotion, where he's already fully and wholeheartedly belongs to Wu Xie, that I'm just weak for. So like... there's also that I guess xD.

[kaypeace21]

Analyzing the 5 plays in this drama club poster .From the bts pics of stranger things 4.

So... some of ya’ll know I'm going through the st s4 films given to us by the official st twitter + the films reffed in the show itself or mentioned by the Duffers in interviews .

So I decided to look at the plays mentioned here. Because even if we don't see the monologues in the show directly - the Duffers wouldn't name drop anything unless it inspired them in some way. Similar to films name dropped in the show. Tw : for some dark themes .

This is just a quick little analysis I decided to do since we probably won't get any new st content today (3/22). Nothing too deep. Just mentioning things that caught my interest especially cause these plays have a lot of narrative connections to the st s4 movies I've been watching.

Invitation to a march (Authur laurents)

Reminds me of the stancy/jancy love triangle. "A young woman is having second thoughts about doing the right thing and marrying a respectable , rich, kind, young man with good prospects.By way of a prewedding diversion, this woman becomes interested in the passionate but poor and entirely unsuitable son of a local landlord.Basically, the plot concerns the efforts of Norma Brown to choose between a conventional fiance who "puts her to sleep" but is wealthy (like what her own mother did) or go for this new-poor guy. The play is principally interested in how this youthful love triangle affects the three mothers involved (whether the kids like it or not)

12th night (Shakespeare)

 - viola (el) wrongly assumes a family member (hopper) is dead. She dresses up as a man named 'cesario'. A girl named Olivia falls for 'cesario' (violet dressed as a man). "Finally, when 'Cesario' and Sebastian (violet's twin brother: assumed to have drowned - Will) appear in the presence of Olivia there is more wonder and confusion at their physical similarity. Taking Sebastian for 'Cesario', Olivia asks him to marry her, and they are secretly married in a church. Cough if Olivia is 'straight' cause she fell for Viola (as a doppleganger dressed like her twin brother).Mike being into el who multiple characters in s1 said looked like a boy and specifically like Will is...suspish and a hint he's not straight lol. just like Olivia they're both into guys . plus, this play just has a butt load of love triangles (ugh i hated that aspect). There was also romantically coded letters (which was in the s4 films) . One character is also thrown into an insane asylum and framed as 'insane'.'Pretending that Malvolio is insane, they lock him up in a dark chamber. Feste visits him to mock his insanity'. We all know the psych hospital will be narratively important- talked about it more here.

The seagull (Anton Chekhov-russian)

similar to how I believed s4 will show m*#even already broken up since the months between s3-4 : act 3 (s3) ends with Nina begging for one last chance to be with Trigorin before he leaves/moves away. They kiss and make plans to meet again in Moscow.And in act 4 there's a timeskip where it shows they've been broken up for a long time between acts- and its established they never actually loved eachother. Do i even have to spell out why this parallels the m*#even ending in s3? There is also a play within the play (this is common in a lot of the st films- they have plays- or a story within a story- which illustrate certain themes or emotions of the characters within said film : blackswan, children of paradise, highschool musical, Rushmore, book of Henry, welcome to marwen, never ending story, romancing the stone, wet hot American summer, etc).The play is Konstantin's latest attempt at creating a dense symbolist work. There is also alot of love triangles in the seagull. TW!: for se#ual ab*se/su*cidal thoughts/ inc*st (here and in other play segments). The seagull motif reminds me a lot of Jonathan's rabbit story.Konstantin romantically into Nina shows up to give her a gull that he has shot. Nina is confused and horrified . Trigorin sees the gull that Konstantin has shot and muses to Nina on how he could use it as a subject for a short story: "The plot for the short story: a young girl lives all her life on the shore of a lake. She loves the lake, like a gull, and she's happy and free, like a gull. But a man arrives by chance, and when he sees her, he destroys her, out of sheer boredom. Like this gull."  This immediately reminded me of jon's rabbit story and some of the movies on the s4 list . Like in forrest gump- Jenny (who is poor) was se*ually ab*sed as a very young girl by her father. As a child she runs away into a field-away from her alcoholic father yelling at her -there she prays that she can "be a bird so I can fly far far away" .

Jenny as an adult struggles with this unresolved trauma- being with ab*sive partners, doing dr*gs, and having su*cidal thoughts . She as an adult when contemplating su*icide, jokes 'you think i can fly like a bird ?' while looking down at a bridge.God-i'm worried about jonathan (Jenny was also a musician sort of like jon). In another s4 movie example ' mystic river ' :(in the 80s) a preteen baseball playing boy is r*ped by men in the woods. He later says he wishes he could become an undead monster to not feel the pain of that experience - cause quote " if I'm not human anymore maybe the pain will stop" (Will) . slightly off topic but he also has another personality, imagines a alternate word that dissappears when he turns his head. And as a less direct animal parallel to the play - the boy from the film also imagined his perpetrators as monsters and wolves to cope.In 'getout' the photographer character sees a dead deer in the woods and it represents a parent/his own childhood tra*ma relating to his past. similarly in 'prince of tides' the 2 siblings as kids were ra*ed by men. The older brother remembered it and the younger sibling developed DID (so didn't remember but she would draw wolves- as the perpetrators/villains in her picture stories she created . In the film they also had an ab*sive dad and were very poor. She also tried k*ling herself multiple times-but started to get better after remembering the source of her pain and trauma.  There is also the theme of multiple attempted su*cides in the play- and the play ends with yet another attempt- and the audience is left unaware of the artist's fate at the end of the play.

The tempest (Shakespeare)

Prospereo - (the perceived antagonist) is a wizard with monstrous looks, storm powers , and ability to create monster-dogs

He wants revenge on a man who tried ra*ing his family member & revenge on his other family member who wronged him years ago. I mean... pretty much my did theory.But in the end.Prospero decides to show his enemies the mercy that they did not show him twelve years earlier. He tells Ariel to bring the men to him, he will restore their sanity and then renounce magic forever.Prospero breaks the spell that the men are under .

Diary of a scoundrel (Alexander Ostrovsky-Russian)

-  I suppose this could loosely relate to Jonathan? Glumov, is a young man from an impoverished family lacking status seeking entrance into society's pampered class. A 19th-century Russian scoundrel must scheme his way out of his meager life in a small apartment -whatever it takes.He has a quick mind and some talent for seeing through the hypocrisies of people around him ( Jonathan does make a lot of social critiques about society). That gives him some advantages. A tale of one man's mission to finagle his way into upper-class society and find a cushy job. Set in 1874, this social comedy follows Glumov, a Russian youth who begins his ambitious ascent to social esteem. He progresses by wit, guile and rhetoric. Pitting one stupid person against another, he soon gains his ends. To reach these goals, Glumov will lie, flatter, and cater to the vanities of the wealthy. Unable to contain his disgust with his victims, Glumov decides to relieve his unvoiced satirical comments by recording his schemes in a diary. But he is tripped up by his uncle's wife, to whom he has made passionate love on his way to success. At the end of the play, his diary is stolen and his duplicity exposed, but he can nevertheless suceeds. The author is much more critical about the high society itself than about the main character, so the play keeps attracting generations of directors by opening possibilities for political criticism while also avoiding naming names of the current rulers.The play's aim was to overthrow bourgeois tradition and establish a class-conscious art called eccentricism giving a deliberately comic portrayal of reality.

I suppose I notice some possible commonalities-  besides s3 critiquing the wealthy/capitalism in comedic ways . jonathan since s1 has worried about his family's finances / had some resentment toward the rich . In some of the s4 movies ‘orphan’ & ‘ girl interrupted’ someone reads their diary out loud to get at them (in girl interrupted the winona character’s diary even had critiques of her new friends).  Alot of movies also have someone (usually a teen/young adult) making a documentary about their life -which could narratively replace said diary? A few movies have a poor guy adjusting to snobby rich social circles (or being poor and then getting money)- titanic, kingsmen, karate kid, the craft , godfather,  wardogs,into the spiderverse,flashdance, and many others . And movies like wardogs has a poor-young-character do shady things to finacially support his family . There’s also that whole uncle’s wife thing- which makes me uncomfortable for obvious reasons (but I’m just thinking of Lonnie’s creepy gf who was into him). A few movies had the guy’s step mom innappropriately hit on him- orange county & you got mail. And him trying to avoid her advances. Or...not to mention ... it may be a problematic coincidence /trope. But in enter the void -the guy who needs to finacially support his sibling/ does dr*gs -hooks up with his dr*g dealing friend’s married mom (who would give him money).  Or in gilbert grape- the poor teen-who has to finacially support his siblings/single mom-has his endgame relationship be a girl his own age. But before that he h*oked up with a married woman -who would give him money. Don’s plum -young film guy-propositioned by older female film director (for dream job). Not even mentioning the other films that have the guy hooking up with toxic older women (like ‘the graduate’). Or analyze this-where the therapist accuses him of having an Oedipus complex (not touching that one... but the guy in ‘enter the void’ a 100% had one). It’s possible those movies were just- inspo for s3?  A coincidence? Or s3 was foreshadowing for this in s4- but unlike s3 it will accurately be played as wrong  and a sign of Jonathan recreating past tra*ma caused by Lonnie (cough like the photos) /being desperate for money. And not played ‘comedically’ like how it mostly was in s3. But shown as self destructive  (for Jon) and immoral on the Woman’s end. Like... Billy and Jon are character foils. Both are older siblings into rock music, with ab*sive dads who shoved them into walls. Both lose it (and beat steve to a pulp when Steve accidentally triggers their daddy issues). In s3 it’s established womanizer Billy has mommy issues, than he tries ho*king up with someone his mom’s age, and the characters ref ‘back to the future ‘ and Steve incorrectly says it’s about “alex p keaton trying to bang his mom.” This could illustrate his subconscious issues with parental figures/adults cause of Lonnie’s  possible past se*ual ab*se . One film the friend even says to the guy “you don’t have friends!” guy b: i have friends! him:  no you have acquaintances! ADMIT IT! YOU’RE AFRAID OF MEN!I mean-Jonathan liked Nancy- but he initially hooked up with her cause he wanted to prove he didn’t have ‘trust issues’ from his dad. Also it’s prob a bit of a reach (and maybe a coincidence)- but the fact Murray in the same breath compares Steve (Nancy’s then bf) and Lonnie  ... uh... if you think too long about it ... it’s very sinister .  Especially because in s3: muray tells Joyce  that despite her wanting to be with a nice guy, she’s curious about “the brute” Hopper despite him reminding her of a past “bad relationship”(aka Lonnie). Like- yeah connect some dots.  Quite a few films (other than forrest gump) also have the character who (as a kid) was  r*ped by their dad/parent-  begin to do dr*gs/be pr*miscuous as adults since they never learned to properly cope with their trauma (’girl with the dragon tattoo’,  ‘black swan’, and ‘magnolia’). Unfortunately the whole relative doing such things to kid-relatives is in at least 30+ movies. 

Personally, i would be MUCH happier if Jon had a age appropriate romance- and had not a single creepy adult near him. A few movies actually imply Lonnie gets yet another ‘new model’  replacing his gf in her 20s with a new gf- who is ‘barely l*gal” and just turned 18. so there’s that possibility as well- that she’s jonathan’s age.I just want Jonathan-happy &safe. GOD. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

[davidmann95]

So… that Superman and the Authority preview. Thoughts?

Grant Morrison: Superman's genuinely made the world a little better, right?

Grant Morrison, writing Superman and The Authority: lol as fuckin' if you chump

Grant Morrison, continuing to write Superman and The Authority: ...okay but what if he COULD still tho

* First note past the OOF of that caption: Ben Day dots! The typically most cliché signifier of 'hey this is like old comics' transformed by being made so near-invisibly small by Jordie Bellaire that they're texturing the page.

* Clearly a product of the original 5G plans, I'd assumed the new explanation for Superman meeting with Kennedy would be the post-Death Metal "everyone remembers everything, it all counts!" idea, but between Superman maybe operating in secret in 1963 depending on how you read that first line and the moon landing seemingly happening earlier this looks to be a full on alt-history. Between that and Superman on October's cover of Action rocking his conventional look alongside the Authority this does seem to be an alternate version of Superman after all rather than the mainline even if it'll tie directly in; I'm fine with that since it'll help this stand on its own as a perennial. Oh god though, is this the Linearverse? Was that Generations book one last mediocre Morrison tie-in setup?

* The both earnest and tragic connotations are clear but I'm simply happy for Superman's good nickname to see some use.

* Anonymous asked: So, I'm NOT an American, but seeing the preview for SatA, I kinda roll my eyes at JFK there. I understand in America there is this mythology about him being so radical and going bring better tomorrow until he was denied to you, which doesn't really match the reality, where he was a cold warrior with reportedly little interest in domestic policy who's sucessor was actually very similar and consistent with his politics (more civil rights, more troops Vietnam). What do you think?

Fair, but besides Morrison's comments in the interview and the ways the Cold War shaped their childhood (as a non-American) as evidence that we're not meant to take this at face value as 'Aw, everything would've been perfect if not for that one thing going wrong', that comment on the JSA is charged. The President waxing rhapsodic about "mak(ing) a difference where the law couldn't" feels just as pointed as "Those poor, poor rich people" in their and Burnham's Detective #26.

* "I want you to stand tall, to end war itself and take us to the stars." "I'll see what I can do, sir." MORRISON PLEASE IGNORE YOUR BEST INSTINCTS AND NEVER STOP WRITING CAPE COMICS

* That this so effortlessly and profoundly captures everything Jupiter's Legacy tried and failed to in three pages - the great patriotic caped champion seemingly on the edge of a new Camelot when we know better, the story from there going into how they deal with the fallout of their failures - would be so embarrassing if it wasn't hilarious to see Morrison outclass the old kid sidekick yet again. Speaking of some Millar-ness, kudos to Janin for pulling off a celebrity likeness that doesn't look like a horrifying other-dimensional freak next to the other characters, that's not something that can always be said for his peers.

* While Janin draws his regular Superman face here, the red-and-yellow S shield on the cape, the pronounced barrel chest, and even the hair a bit (and then seeing him on TV in black and white) make me wonder if Superman's supposed to be visually evoking George Reeves just a bit here. An American golden boy with a tumultuous private life who died on the cusp of the 60s of a gunshot wound to the head, with a quick and tidy official explanation but conspiracy theories haunting his memory forever after, the Kennedy comparisons are obvious; I wonder if I'm not reading too much into it and this is all deliberate, or if this is an inadvertent synchronicity of the sort Morrison would conceive of in magical terms.

* Janin killing it with the assassination page, real Department of Truth vibes and managing to make it sudden and horrific without the gloriously obscene detail Quitely got into with the similar scene in Pax Americana.

* The astronauts doing hurdles on the moon is actually a reference to Superman's Mission for President Kennedy! as he gets kids interested in JFK's physical fitness program in the most roundabout fashions available to him, 'roundabout' being his foremost guiding principle at the time:

* The New Frontier and DKR parallels/evocations are obvious, but to me the big point of comparison is Pax Americana with the Hero-King President marshalling the capes in name of a better tomorrow for his nation only to find death and social impotence, the dream exposed as naïve PR in the end.

* Not exactly new information, but seeing this laid out does reinforce to me how much this book covers the sweep of the development of the superheroic idea through the lens of Superman, from the vigilantes (both the JSA and Superman returning to short sleeves) to the triumphant American science royalty to the post-traumatic superfolks trying to make good on all those lost promises and, at the beginning of this, a generation that has essentially failed (not only Superman, but clearly in his half of the preview Manchester Black isn't exactly the force he once was, and apparently Midnighter and Apollo at the beginning of this are semi-retired and think they've wasted their lives after the original Authority failed to make a difference) and what comes now after that failure. That Morrison can tackle this directly with Superman is probably corporately allowed with Jon being there as a more 'ideal' iconic model, and for Morrison personally because they can do their own purified take on the archetype with Klaus, so they can get into the muck of things here in a way they couldn't when trying to do a platonic vision or a new-and-improved model.

[jonsa101]

Thoughts About Sharpwin in Episode 3X14

Hey guys!! I feel like there has been so much pandemonium in the fandom since all of these spoilers and content has come out prior to the finale on Tuesday.  I have revised this meta so many times due to new things coming out every day and I honestly debated if I should even still publish a meta before the finale. Either way, I’m putting this out there because I still have some thoughts to share and it was highly requested by y’all! 😉 As always, I’m going to try and share my thoughts as honestly and as logically as I can. 

Going into the season finale, I think the question we need to ask ourselves is what are the most important aspects of the season finale? For me, I’ve always believed that the time-jump and the cliffhangers would be the most important aspects of the episode and based on what we’ve seen so far, I think that opinion still holds true. True to his words, in this interview here https://tvline.com/2021/05/25/new-amsterdam-season-3-finale-spoilers-time-jump/ , Schulner specifically said that the finale episode would be nothing like we’ve seen before. From yesterday’s spoiler, it’s fair for us to assume that that the episode we are about to see on Tuesday is linear and is a full time jump episode. How long is the time jump? I’m not sure but my guess is that it’s at least 3 months.

Now you might be thinking “what if the time jump is only a week or two?” Here’s why I think it’s not.

Look at this picture with Helen and Mina.

In this week’s episode Helen and Mina were still bumping heads after weeks of Mina living with Helen. They were talking about college applications and it wasn’t until the end that we finally see Helen and Mina put their walls down and start to connect with each other. Again, look at the picture down below! Clearly their relationship has done a complete 180 and they seem closer than ever. Mina is literally on the verge of tears as she and Helen are about to say their goodbyes. That relationship transformation doesn’t take place in a week or so. I personally don’t think it takes place in a month either. That type of transformation and healing takes time. Also, if one of the primary reasons that Helen is in London is to drop off Mina for college that means Mina had to go through the whole college application process which is incredibly long! Mina would have to write essays, take the SAT or ACT, go on interviews and hell, probably go on college tours too! In 3x13, she was just starting that process guys. So, if we are seeing Helen drop off Mina for school, at the BARE MINIMUM it has to be at least a three month time jump. Mind you, I’m doing the bare minimum here because I’m not sure the show would commit to a 6-months to a year time jump, which is typically a standard timeline for the college application process.

Now also look at Floyd’s photo.

He is serving breakfast in bed y’all!!! Do you know what that tells me? It tells me that this man is COMFORTABLE and has been in the midst of his situationship for a while now. Logically, do you think that he can get this comfortable with Dr. Malavo within the span of a week or two especially after the episode that we just saw? No!! A person like Floyd who has gone on and on about his life plan since season one definitely would have had to be worn down for a while for him to be caught up and comfortable in a situationship!

Again, this is just how I feel. I could be wrong but to me I feel like at least a 3- month time jump would be realistic. Moving on from the time-jump let’s talk about these cliffhangers. Y’all I STRONGLY believe that there is a reason why we are receiving so much spoiler and promotional content before the finale. Based on everything we’ve seen, at this point we should all know that we are going to see Helen and Max finally become an official couple in the finale. This is a given! We are all excited to see them finally get together and without a doubt how that unfolds is a huge part of the finale. I just want to make an argument that Max and Helen finally coming together isn’t the most important point of the episode. 😬😬😬 Again y’all, look at the content we’ve received so far! We got a Sharpwin focused promo, a ton of promotional photos, we got that amazing sneak peek voicemail from Max and hell, we even got Ryan Eggold telling Us Weekly that he just felt like it was time for these characters “to go one way or the other! “All of this is great but at the same time it’s super heavy handed! Mind you, in episode 3x12 which was a pivotal episode for Sharpwin, we barely got any spoilers, in fact I think even the episode synopsis was delayed as well. Clearly, I understand that the show hasn’t shown us the most important parts of how Max and Helen are finally going to get together but what I am saying is that they’ve shown us enough to make me believe that isn’t the most important point of Sharpwin’s story in the episode. In the finale for Sharpwin, to me, the question isn’t about if they’re going to get together or how they finally get together, it’s about what’s in store for the FUTURE they choose to have together. Max said it perfectly himself in that voicemail when he said 

I need to see you.

I need to talk to you.

I need to be with you in all the ways I’ve been dreaming about.

That last line is so significant because to me it tells me exactly where his mind and heart is at. Apart from the obvious where Max is clearly thinking about making love to her, I think Max is also dreaming about having a life with her. Again y’all! From episode 3x12 an onwards the question has never been about if they want to be together. It is clear that they both WANT THIS. The question is what that looks like for them and where they go from here after they come together. There are a lot of important conversations they need to have and decisions to be made, hence Max’s “I need to see you,” and “I need to talk to you.”

This brings me back to the cliffhangers. In the article I linked above, Schulner made it a point to emphasize the importance of cliffhangers this year. According to him there should be at least five cliffhangers in the season finale. In my mind, that means all of the main characters should have a cliffhanger that immediately sets them up for their main storyline in season 4. Especially considering the fact that the season 3 finale will already be a time jump episode. So, if the finale is centered around Sharpwin and we know that we should expect cliffhangers, shouldn’t we expect that Max and Helen will probably have a big cliffhanger that impacts their relationship going forward? It wouldn’t make sense for Iggy, Lauren, and Floyd to have these pivotal cliffhangers in finale while Max and Helen just end up as a happy couple. I could be wrong but that logically doesn’t make sense to me. We should totally expect them to maybe have the biggest cliffhanger out of everyone else since technically this episode is mainly about them! I like to think that Max and Helen have a collective cliffhanger but it’s also possible that they have cliffhangers as individual characters and those cliffhangers effect the trajectory of their relationship. By the way, I’m absolutely expecting a positive cliffhanger/cliffhangers for Max and Helen. I truly do believe the best is yet to come for them! All I’m trying to say is that I think this is going to be the most important part of Sharpwin’s story in the season finale. Not how they finally get together! 

For me, one of the big things that sticks out that could play a role in a collective Sharpwin cliffhanger or an individual cliffhanger is Helen’s trip to London. I predicted this trip would be a trip of healing past wounds and finding answers when it comes to her family in my meta here: https://jonsa101.tumblr.com/post/649841094458310656/max-goodwin-and-his-declaration-of-love-and this seems to be panning out. I think this trip is really going to put things in perspective for Helen about what she wants and the things that really matter to her. I think about episode 3x4 where Helen proclaims that she keeps “running out of time” in the areas of her life that are really important to her. Her deepest desires have always been to have a family and a child of her own. As she heals, reconnects with her family, and reflects on what matters most to her, I wonder if her desires for a family of her own will be at the forefront of her mind when she reconnects with Max? What’s that state of her mindset after a trip like that? I might be thinking entirely too deep about this but these are the thoughts that run in my mind now as we head into the finale.

For Max, we saw him sort out the custody battle for Luna in 3x13. We also saw Helen basically tell him that their relationship was worth the fight. From yesterday’s sneak peek, we know at the beginning of the finale he is deeply longing for Helen and is clearly pondering a life with her. What shifts his focus away from that is when he thinks he’s misplaced his wedding ring. We all know that this episode will be the final step Max takes to let go of his past and embrace his future with Helen but again what does that look like? Again, all of this plays a role to what I think will be the most important part of the episode. 

Their Cliffhanger!!!

So, what exactly could their cliffhanger or cliffhangers be? At this point, the possibilities are endless! Like I said, I believe the best is yet to come for them and that any cliffhanger coming their way will be a great one! At the very beginning of the season, I said that this is the season of love declarations and commitment and that I wouldn’t be surprised if Max and Helen ended up engaged: https://jonsa101.tumblr.com/post/649841094458310656/max-goodwin-and-his-declaration-of-love-and. Max saying he wanted to build something better for Luna and Helen struck me and these were my thoughts.

“Max is just giving me MAJOR “I love you and I’m trying to commit and build something for us vibes.” I think one of my greatest gifts in life is the ability to read between the fucking lines. As a grown 26 year-old women, if a man that I have feelings for that I know has feelings for me comes to me and says, “I want to build something better for you,” we are either married or a marriage proposal is around the corner. A man is not trying to build something better for/with a friend or a confidant. Ok! You build something with someone you want to spend your life with! These are the types of conversations you have with your husband, wife or life partner! Period! After everything they’ve been through before and especially after a year of being in a pandemic, I think now more than ever Max is going to get or has already gotten clarity about what and who he wants and he’s going to go after it. When you realize how quickly life can change it literally shifts everything and makes you change your priorities and go after what you actually want. To me, this will be reflected in the show.”

Oddly enough, I think my words are pretty similar to Shaun Cassidy’s tweet about this finale:

Max will get clarity.

Max will see the light.

Mind you, I wrote this meta after seeing the first episode of the season. Now as we head into the season finale, after all of Max’s personal suffering, after everything Max and Helen have been through together, after Max’s second death or life experience, I think Max seeing the light or gaining clarity is a hell of a lot more than them just becoming a couple! It’s established that Max wants her! It’s established that Max wants to be with her and they’re going to be couple! Shaun is already out here retweeting “couple era” tweets. I think seeing the light holds weight and I think an engagement fits the bill. I think Max and Helen are at a point in their lives and in their relationship where they want a life together! They are completely all in I just think they’re trying to navigate what the hell that looks like. Also, like I said earlier, where we leave off in the season 3 finale will be the setup for the main storylines in season 4. I think many people in the fandom believe that at some point in season 4 Max and Helen will try for a baby and we will see her infertility struggles play out. I have my own personal opinions on this topic but I’ll save that for another meta. If there is an expectation that in season 4 we will see Max and Helen as a happy couple, Helen stepping up as Luna’s mom/co-parent and them potentially wanting to expand their family, don’t you think it makes sense for Helen to at least be his fiancee?! Honestly y’all! Think about it! Do you think Max would start the process of trying to get pregnant with Helen without marrying her first? I don’t think so. I definitely think he’s a put a ring on it type of guy! Another point that I want to make is this. Luna is in the picture. Luna and Max are a package deal. Helen knows this and when they have this conversation about how they’re going to navigate their lives together, I know that without hesitation we are about to see Helen loving Luna unconditionally and basically being her mom in season 4. Loving your partner’s child unconditionally as your own is the highest form of love and commitment you can show and do for your partner. I know without a shadow of doubt that Helen is going to do this. So as Helen shows him her love and commitment, how can Max tangibly SHOW her how much he loves her and is committed to their lives and their future together? These are just things I’ll leave y’all to think about. 

To wrap this up here are some other quick thoughts I have about the finale.

At this point I strongly believe that Max and Helen are in New York City based on the promos and spoilers I’ve seen. One thing I will say though is at the same time don’t discount the possibility of Max and Helen at some point in the episode also being in London as well. Remember all the promos, spoilers and sneak peeks we’ve seen so far are things they want us to see!!!! We only have pieces of the full story and because of that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! I remember back in season one when spoilers came out for the season finale. Going into the finale, most of us who were in the fandom back then already knew there would be some sort of accident/ ambulance crash. At best we thought that it would only affect Max, Georgia and Luna. We had no idea that the season finale would also put Bloom and Helen’s life at stake as well!! The point I’m trying to make is this, even though we saw the spoilers we didn’t have the full picture of what exactly was filmed in those spoilers.

I think when Max and Helen finally have their moment it will be glorious and romantic af! I’m expecting to see kissing, lovemaking, and everything in between but the most important thing are the conversations!! I’m expecting to see a lot of deep conversations about how they’re going to make this thing work after they say there I love you’s. 

Long before the episode synopsis came out, I told y’all that Max and Reynolds moment in the season finale would be pivotal for Sharpwin in this same meta https://jonsa101.tumblr.com/post/649841094458310656/max-goodwin-and-his-declaration-of-love-and and that’s what we are going to see play out on screen. It’s natural for Max to have an emotional attachment to that ring. He was married to Georgia and had a life with her. That doesn’t negate how he feels about Helen. Even more so than that do you know what I also think is at play here? Guilt. The guilt of him trying to move on with the woman he’s had feeling for since season 1. I mean, I personally don’t think they’re using voiceovers of Max and Helen’s conversations in season 1 in their promo for no reason. I don’t see why they wouldn’t address it especially when for us as an audience we know that’s the case. I also think it’s not a coincidence that Reynold’s finds himself in a situation that’s pretty similar to where Max was at. So in my mind, I think it needs to be addressed in order to move on. As he starting a new relationship, he should be honest about having feelings for Helen while he was married and get that off his plate. I think he’s been carrying the weight of that guilt since season two and it’s time to let it go.

Last but not least there is the Mina and Max scene from the spoilers. I don’t know what to make of this but if Mina is in London and the finale is a full time jump episode with no flashbacks, I don’t see how Mina and Max could have a convo in NYC. If they’re having a conversation, I think it’s going to be in London. That’s just how I see it! I could be dead ass wrong but again this is just my opinion. It could be possible that we might see more than one day take place in this episode. I mean realistically, I don’t see how Helen can listen to his voicemail, send Mina off to school, reconnect with her mama and then fly to NYC and meet up with Max all in the same day. That’s super unrealistic to me! Spoilers don’t give us the full scope of what’s going on. Also, I think it’s a little bit weird for Max and Mina to be having a conversation at night with no prior relationship with each other. So, my guess is whatever conversation they’re having would be after Max and Helen have established themselves as an official couple. Just my two cents. 

As always feel free to reach out with me with any questions you might have and also let me know what cliffhanger you think is in store for them!