notyetaghost

[notyetaghost]

Used and tainted is the flesh

Unclean and dirty is the soul

The waters is dark

It calls and begs 

For you to take a swim

To join the others of your state

Don their cloak and colours

You are a daughter of hate 

Are you not 

The spitting image of your father

Enter the shallows and clean yourself

Wash in the death of others

Enter the deep and become them

[notyetaghost]

What exactly am i hiding

Besides my true self

I believe there's something 

Rotten and dead deep within me

So i paint my flesh pure white

So you cant see the decay

I am dead, i am a monster

I'm an innocent prized lamb

I hide on the outside waiting

For my pale to break

There is nothing more unholy

That the sinner that lies within

I pray at the altars

Ask of the priests to save me from sin

There is a mask they cannot break

There is an evil within

I offer myself for slaughter

Like a virgin sacrifice

There is nothing pure

There is nothing clean

For I  am drenched in sin

I appear a pure lamb

I am a rotten creature

Please just let me in

[notyetaghost]

You like me

I think you do

But you'll never love me

I don't think ill ever be enough

I know i wont

I'm painfully average

And the feeling is awful

I know there's nothing wrong

With being ordinary and plain

But the fear chokes me 

Cause i know i'm not enough

I'm okay at everything i try

I'm never good enough to be great

Never liked enough to be loved

I know that you like me

You probably do i hope you do

But i want to be loved

I want to be good enough

[notyetaghost]

It's embarrassing to want

I want to be pretty

I want to be special

I want you

It seems so practically juvenile

The heart wants what it wants

Maybe that's why it doesn't get along

With the brain, destroyer of want

You will never be pretty

You are mediocre at best

They will never love you

I want and want

But i know i can never have

Never have in the ways that matter

Its cruel to blame the brain

For its only doing its job

No matter how cruel it may seem

But i want and sometimes i feels like need

It reminds me that it's not

That i've survived without it and will continue

It's a cruel job to have

To crush the hopes of a bleeding heart

But want is a fickle thing

And no amount of it can stop 

The executioner from doing its job

[notyetaghost]

Do you wonder how Isaac felt

On the altar waiting for sacrifice

Looking above to his father wielding a knife

Before he was switched for an animal

What did he think about his life

Did they talk about it after the fact

That you would sacrifice you child

To please your God

I wonder what he thought

Cause before he was a sacrifice

He was a son

[notyetaghost]

Im sorry im the way i am

I wish i could be what you want

To be clean, holy and pure

To be like the children of all others

I'm sorry you raised a mistake

Im sorry ill never be enough

I look in the mirror and see you face

And i know you see me in you

I'm sorry i wasn't made right

Or that i'm not what you wanted

I'm not enough i never will be

I will never be what you want or need

I'm sorry that your child is not good enough

[notyetaghost]

If i told you the truth

Would you call me a liar

I think that you would

What person could hide

All of themselves forever

It should be impossible 

Yet here i am 

Would you be hurt 

That i never let you see me

I don't think you would be

To be honest with you

You wouldn't like the real me

I don't think you like the me i am now

The one handmade to be palatable

Its wishful thinking to believe 

That you would suddenly change

That you would wake up a day

And like me as i am

But then again you don't know me

So i oftentimes wonder

Would you keep me as i am

Or begin to know a stranger

[notyetaghost]

If I was God would I love me?

There is nothing i've done

That is good enough to be pure

Am i even worthy of love

Love the sinner they say

So they should love me

I don't think there’s a heaven

But if there was i wouldn't end there

I could be more pious, more clean

But how can i cleanse the sins

The ones embedded into my soul

The only way for me to be clean

Is to lose the parts that make me, me

[notyetaghost]

I know how icarus felt

When he flew too close to the sun

I'm in pain, im burning

But gods it's beautiful

It's how i feel when i look at you

I know you love me

But you're divine

I am ordinary

I know you mean well

You're trying your best

But you burn me

And it feels like i'm dying

Everytime it feels like i'm dying

But youre beautiful and i'm in love

Maybe that why they say

The devil has the most beautiful face

Cause what other reason is there

For me to keep running into the arms of fire

[notyetaghost]

Can i ever truly be happy

It was a beautiful day outside

I read something i loved 

And not bad happened

And yet the thoughts in my head

Still clamour and chase for my death

I won't never choose to end my existence

But i can't help but wonder

If i was told tomorrow i'd be dead

Would i really be sad about it

I exist surrounded by beauty

Yet my mind only wishes for death

If i was good enough

Would i still feel like this

Could i actually be happy?

I'm a shadow walking in skin

The person in the mirror is not me

If i was good enough would i be happy?

It's a beautiful day outside

The sky is blue, the birds are singing

I still want to die

[notyetaghost]

Die young stay beautiful forever

It doesn't matter if i was long dead on the inside 

Only that the outside is dead

If i die a martyr will i be beautiful then

If you say yes then i'll bleed so pretty

There'll forever bring portraits of my death

Is that not my white sheep are chosen

For they are beautiful when they blee

I can bleed pretty

I maybe not be a pristine white lamb

But i can bleed pretty

If i bleed pretty will you love me then

Blaze

0 notes

[notyetaghost]

What joy is it to be 

A heretic surrounded by devotees

I cannot speak 

Maybe my thoughts shall die with me

There are other like me i know

Surrounded by those that don't think them stained

I think it's not those around me

Maybe i am just unclean

For afterall is there not effort

Put continually into becoming a sinner

[notyetaghost]

I can't keep doing this

When will the thoughts in me

Begin to bleed onto my flesh

I cant write a thousand words

Ignoring the pretentious feeling they bring

Will i always feel like this

An anomaly in human skin

Maybe i'm not human 

That'll explain why i feel a fault

Or maybe i lie about the talents i possess

So that i can feel i belong

I cut myself with my tongue 

And continue to bleed inside my head

If i do this enough maybe i'll die on the outside

Does anyone else feel this way

The itching feeling to claw away at skin

Or am i the only one with skin that doesn't fit

[notyetaghost]

A snake in grass bites cause it can

Maybe that's why you continue to burn me

For what are you but the sun

And am i not but an icarus

For no matter how many times

The story gets told

Icarus will still be burned

You are the sun you shine on all

And maybe by getting to close

I've asked too much of you

You are beautiful, more than divine

Knowing this and loving you

Doesn't mean you should still be mine

You continue to burn and stain my flesh

I'm not a masochist but if pain is all you offer

Then it's what i'll collect 

I've been burned far too many times

So i know i should leave

But what am i but an Icarus

What are you not but the sun

No matter by who the story is told 

I will still be burned

[notyetaghost]

Maybe is too uncertain of a word

Usable in almost any thought

Maybe i'll order dinner

Maybe i'll quit my job

Maybe you don't love me

In a sense that's the beauty

I am not sure it may be it might not

I dont think ill eat

I could keep doing the same thing

Over and over, again and again

I could never believe that you love me

Or i might wake up one day thinking it true

The beauty of maybe is that it is unknown

So maybe i'll stop overthinking your love

Maybe i'll stop turning all my thoughts to poetry

Or maybe it'll always be a thing i love

Maybe i'll never truly be certain

Or maybe i will

I think i'll eat tonight

[notyetaghost]

I think i want to die

I don't think so all the time

And deep down i don't think i do

Maybe i just don't want to exist

That's the honest truth

Living is too tense and absolute

I don't wish to float in the abyss

But active life is something i can't live

Maybe i want to die

Maybe i don't��

Maybe i should get some sleep

Or do something other than rot

I dont have the energy for that

I dont have the energy to live anymore

Maybe that's why i want to die

[notyetaghost]

How does it feel to be the heavens favourite

To have angels fight in your name

For your very existence so grant me salvation

As your darkened eyes steer me from grace

Because in my eyes you are wholly devine

A messiah, my saviour, a being of light

I will carve your name and draw tour image

So you're immortalized as the divine you are

For in your arms I've found something holy

Something more than me, fair and fine

A thing locked away inside me

Stored away and aged like fine wine

A blessing worth more than salvation

A gift more wholly than hope

In your arms i found heaven, your lips absolve my sin

What blessings could the Gods offer me

That i have not found in your hands