notyetaghost

[notyetaghost]

In every communication 

There is art

    

The lines of poetry on paper

The elegant lettering 

The messy scrawl

    

The charts and maps

The painstaking drawing

The gentle care on the plains

    

The colour that stains canvas

The perfection of a picture

The abstract of the mind

    

In what we can see and cannot

There is art

    

In the birds in trees

The clouds and winds that blow 

The laugh of one's enemy

The sorrow of a lover

    

In speaking there is art

In silence there is art

Love and hatred share a room

Anguish and joy a mind

[notyetaghost]

Every night i lay awake

And my mind wonders

    

Would you love me 

If i were a better daughter

    

Would i love myself

If i were a son

    

If i were quieter, calmer

Would i be better digestible

    

If i were taller, broader

Could i smile at my reflection

    

I do not wish to be easy to digest

If you cannot tolerate me you can choke

[notyetaghost]

What would i do

If i knew no harm would befall me

    

Would I be kinder? Braver?

Would I stand taller?

    

If we walked side by side

Would I hold your hand?

    

If i could love as i wished

If i could live as i wished

   

 Would I be happier?

Before i crossed the stressed

Would I look both ways?

[notyetaghost]

You look at her with adoration

Like she hung the moon

And painted the night sky

    

I wish i was granted the same

It is too much to ask for

Yet i crave it

    

Look at me like you do her

With affection and fondness

Like i am of importance to you

    

I see how you adore her

And my heart ceases it beats

Look at like you do her

    

It makes me sick

The way i think of her

Is she so special?

[notyetaghost]

I live without middle ground

Always on the extreme

    

I am starving

Gluttony paints my flesh

There is nothing

Nothing i will not consume

    

I am starving

Temperance envies my restraint

There is nothing

Nothing i will consume

    

I wish to be at even

To not be bounced on the lines

Let me consume as others do

    

I do not wish to starve

I do not wish to be insatiable

But what my body wishes for

My mind refuses to allow

[notyetaghost]

The need to eat

Is killing me

    

The hunger is no longer

I am starving where i stand

    

The teeth in my mouth are gone

They have left for my stomach

    

I am empty and shallow

And that is why i die

    

This is a killing hunger

I slowly die from inside

[notyetaghost]

My existence solely in corporeal form

Is disgusting to me

    

I am weighted down my mortality

Chained to this planet

By a sack of bones and meat

    

It is stifling and distressing

That i cannot exist outside this shape

    

I would prefer to be something intangible

For i cannot stand the unforgiving weigh

    

Make me wind

Make me fire

Make me exist by the ideas in my head

    

I would rather be reborn as joy

Reshape me to be the energy of life

    

A fully corporeal existence

Has only ever caused me strife

[notyetaghost]

Love me wrong

If you cannot love me right

    

In all the ways the world would hate

Love me like you choose too

If you believe you are undeserving 

I don’t

    

I know you too well

To think that you don’t deserve more

Love me like you would your last drawing

    

If it is with annoyance and fondness

Love me that way

I do not care how you do it

Nor how perfect it may me

    

There is no wrong way

As long as you love

    

So love me wrong

Love me as the water loves the flame

Love me as the paper loves the pen

Love me as the dead man loves the grave

    

I think you are worthy of love

I think you are more than enough

If you cannot deem your love right

Then love me wrong

[notyetaghost]

In it’s silence there is art

Ever watching and ever listening

    

It stares at me from above

Ever pale in a constant serene

    

In your divine knowledge

You continue to guide me

    

You are surrounded by others

They seem to outshine you

    

Yet among all others

There is none that shine like you

[notyetaghost]

With my blood in your mouth

Remove my flesh from the bone

    

You can kill me if you wish

Remove my heart from my chest

It belongs to you

    

In life and death i am yours

My love will never die

    

Look me in my face

And tell me you love me only

Stab me in the back and leave

I am still yours

    

I see what you are

I choose to love you regardless

    

So if your nature

Should cause you to turn on me

Know that i love you

[notyetaghost]

I want a friend

A true friend, soul kindred to mine

Not a person who sees the surface

But someone who wants me inside

    

I can tell that

In the eyes of others

I am replaceable and not alike

    

I wish for a person

Who does not feel like this

I want warmth and companion

    

A person to share sorrow and joy

I do not wish to be lonely

But i feel trapped

    

I am in bubble in my mind

And i do not think i can leave

    

To have a true friend

Entails showing one’s true self

I have no done that before

Truthfully i don't think i can

[notyetaghost]

Oh the joy of woman

Even in utter anguish

I expect my sorrows

To be beautiful

    

What use is it

If i am not pretty

When i am in tears

    

If one was to see me

Truly see my person

In its hideousness

    

They would cast me aside

For my image in not becoming

The expected nature

Of those sharing me sex

[notyetaghost]

I find myself unable

To express emotion with a face

    

Every action i take

Every word i speak absent of feeling

I can never display emotion

If it can be traced back to my face

    

Even when i am unknown

A faceless entity among many

I cannot bear to remove my mask

    

I fear i am too apathetic for life

 And yet i can only show a glimpse

Of the little passion i feel

Through flowery words and poetry

    

Seemingly meaningless metaphors

Are my only respite from apathy

[notyetaghost]

I hate when they say

It’s not that deep

The ground may be shallow

But i yearn to dig

    

I do not tell you

I am in search of gold

But there is something more

Hiding behind the earth

   

I may hid bedrock

Before a man could blink

But if there is something

A possibility of being unearthed

    

It is deep enough 

It is never too shallow to dig

[notyetaghost]

Am i just a doll on a shelf?

Am i a painting on the wall?

The way you treat me

I cannot be anything more

    

An object should be pretty

If it is to be on display

An object should be valuable

If not it’s not worth time of day

    

Do you see me as more

Than a property to possess?

When you look at me

Do you think i am valuable?

Do you think im worthy

    

An object should be useful

At least to some degree

If i lost my utility

You would not value me

    

An object should be worth something

Time, energy, money, maybe more

If i am to become worthless

You would find someone more

    

I am human

At least appearance wise

A sack of meat and thoughts

What is the value of that?

[notyetaghost]

I always wonder

If there is a god

Why did he create me

If not to laugh

    

For others he listens

He hears their pleas 

And he obliges their wishes

    

But for me

I beg and beg

I scream and cry at his altar

He hears this and blocks his ears

    

If there is a god 

Why did he create me

If  he chooses to ignore me

    

He ignores my thanks

He ignore my ignores my insults

He never considers my pleas

    

If there is a god

He does not love me

[notyetaghost]

Maybe we aren’t always right for each other

Maybe we’re the stars in the sky

Maybe we’re nothing but the empty void

Maybe we are vessels of marvel

Maybe we were only meant for friendship

Maybe we were meant for more

Maybe we aren’t always right for each other

Maybe we’re soulmates