notyetaghost

[notyetaghost]

You are a vision

A piece of divine creation

It does not matter your flaws

As long as you remain

Whether you are here or far

You are still worthy of admiration

You are unlike any other

It matters not that you are average

Nor if you were entirely above standard

You are yourself 

That is all that matters

You are a complete being

Whether you believe so or not

If those around know or not

It matters not

For you were forged in the stars

There a divinity in your skin

It matters not your purpose

Just that you remain

[notyetaghost]

Kneel before me and weep

For i am a monument to your sins

You blood running through my veins

The image cloned on my face

Look upon me and weep

That you can never look away

I am the form you made me

What could you teach me but wrong

Not your fault is your bloodline

But you choose to pass it on

Stare into the eyes of your greatest mistake

I am the shape you made me

I am your spitting image

In all you rot and glory

Look upon me beg or weep

I will not tire nor will i sleep

I am your spawn your own creation

Look me in the eyes and face your sins

[notyetaghost]

One of the worst feelings

That i have ever felt

    Is to be alone in your solitude

And to hear the laughter of others

Right outside your door

    In theory you could join them

Sit them and stay with their company

But you wont feel it

The warmth of their smiles and laughter

    You love them, truly you do

But you do not like them

You do not trust them

    It's a funny irony the two

You feel love without like or trust

But is that not what family is?

    I do not need to like you

To know your favourite colour is yellow

To know how you like your coffee

    Yet i can and will never

Feel safe in your space

You raised me, you don't know me

    If you knew me you would cast me aside

Tear me off like a limb caught in a trap

Is that not why I don't trust you?

    

I could not ask you to change for me

You are to set in your ways to change for mine

And yet i hear the laughter outside my room

I cannot join for it hurts more

To be there and unfeeling that it does

To be alone and numb 

[notyetaghost]

Your child is not worthy of your affection

You brought me here

And yet you refuse to see me

I do not want you to see me

If your eyes begin to clear

Please look away

You will not like what you will see

The hallucination that clouds you

Is all you need to see

A precious, pious child

Devout and sweet that is all you see

That is not me

You do not want to see your child

And neither should you try

For your child is not worthy to be seen

[notyetaghost]

I need to be clean

Like the greenery needs sunlight

Like the night needs the stars

Without the badge of purity

The cloak of virtue

I crave it deep in my soul

Even though its not required

I don't think i can be complete without

I need to be clean

What do i need to do

To prove my worth to the heavens

I can be pure and clean

All i need is to be accepted

If i can have that?

Won't i be happy

If you accept me i'll be alright

I'll be good enough, right?

[notyetaghost]

Used and tainted is the flesh

Unclean and dirty is the soul

The waters is dark

It calls and begs 

For you to take a swim

To join the others of your state

Don their cloak and colours

You are a daughter of hate 

Are you not 

The spitting image of your father

Enter the shallows and clean yourself

Wash in the death of others

Enter the deep and become them

[notyetaghost]

What exactly am i hiding

Besides my true self

I believe there's something 

Rotten and dead deep within me

So i paint my flesh pure white

So you cant see the decay

I am dead, i am a monster

I'm an innocent prized lamb

I hide on the outside waiting

For my pale to break

There is nothing more unholy

That the sinner that lies within

I pray at the altars

Ask of the priests to save me from sin

There is a mask they cannot break

There is an evil within

I offer myself for slaughter

Like a virgin sacrifice

There is nothing pure

There is nothing clean

For I  am drenched in sin

I appear a pure lamb

I am a rotten creature

Please just let me in

[notyetaghost]

You like me

I think you do

But you'll never love me

I don't think ill ever be enough

I know i wont

I'm painfully average

And the feeling is awful

I know there's nothing wrong

With being ordinary and plain

But the fear chokes me 

Cause i know i'm not enough

I'm okay at everything i try

I'm never good enough to be great

Never liked enough to be loved

I know that you like me

You probably do i hope you do

But i want to be loved

I want to be good enough

[notyetaghost]

It's embarrassing to want

I want to be pretty

I want to be special

I want you

It seems so practically juvenile

The heart wants what it wants

Maybe that's why it doesn't get along

With the brain, destroyer of want

You will never be pretty

You are mediocre at best

They will never love you

I want and want

But i know i can never have

Never have in the ways that matter

Its cruel to blame the brain

For its only doing its job

No matter how cruel it may seem

But i want and sometimes i feels like need

It reminds me that it's not

That i've survived without it and will continue

It's a cruel job to have

To crush the hopes of a bleeding heart

But want is a fickle thing

And no amount of it can stop 

The executioner from doing its job

[notyetaghost]

Do you wonder how Isaac felt

On the altar waiting for sacrifice

Looking above to his father wielding a knife

Before he was switched for an animal

What did he think about his life

Did they talk about it after the fact

That you would sacrifice you child

To please your God

I wonder what he thought

Cause before he was a sacrifice

He was a son

[notyetaghost]

Im sorry im the way i am

I wish i could be what you want

To be clean, holy and pure

To be like the children of all others

I'm sorry you raised a mistake

Im sorry ill never be enough

I look in the mirror and see you face

And i know you see me in you

I'm sorry i wasn't made right

Or that i'm not what you wanted

I'm not enough i never will be

I will never be what you want or need

I'm sorry that your child is not good enough

[notyetaghost]

If i told you the truth

Would you call me a liar

I think that you would

What person could hide

All of themselves forever

It should be impossible 

Yet here i am 

Would you be hurt 

That i never let you see me

I don't think you would be

To be honest with you

You wouldn't like the real me

I don't think you like the me i am now

The one handmade to be palatable

Its wishful thinking to believe 

That you would suddenly change

That you would wake up a day

And like me as i am

But then again you don't know me

So i oftentimes wonder

Would you keep me as i am

Or begin to know a stranger

[notyetaghost]

If I was God would I love me?

There is nothing i've done

That is good enough to be pure

Am i even worthy of love

Love the sinner they say

So they should love me

I don't think there’s a heaven

But if there was i wouldn't end there

I could be more pious, more clean

But how can i cleanse the sins

The ones embedded into my soul

The only way for me to be clean

Is to lose the parts that make me, me

[notyetaghost]

I know how icarus felt

When he flew too close to the sun

I'm in pain, im burning

But gods it's beautiful

It's how i feel when i look at you

I know you love me

But you're divine

I am ordinary

I know you mean well

You're trying your best

But you burn me

And it feels like i'm dying

Everytime it feels like i'm dying

But youre beautiful and i'm in love

Maybe that why they say

The devil has the most beautiful face

Cause what other reason is there

For me to keep running into the arms of fire

[notyetaghost]

Can i ever truly be happy

It was a beautiful day outside

I read something i loved 

And not bad happened

And yet the thoughts in my head

Still clamour and chase for my death

I won't never choose to end my existence

But i can't help but wonder

If i was told tomorrow i'd be dead

Would i really be sad about it

I exist surrounded by beauty

Yet my mind only wishes for death

If i was good enough

Would i still feel like this

Could i actually be happy?

I'm a shadow walking in skin

The person in the mirror is not me

If i was good enough would i be happy?

It's a beautiful day outside

The sky is blue, the birds are singing

I still want to die

[notyetaghost]

Die young stay beautiful forever

It doesn't matter if i was long dead on the inside 

Only that the outside is dead

If i die a martyr will i be beautiful then

If you say yes then i'll bleed so pretty

There'll forever bring portraits of my death

Is that not my white sheep are chosen

For they are beautiful when they blee

I can bleed pretty

I maybe not be a pristine white lamb

But i can bleed pretty

If i bleed pretty will you love me then

Blaze

0 notes

[notyetaghost]

What joy is it to be 

A heretic surrounded by devotees

I cannot speak 

Maybe my thoughts shall die with me

There are other like me i know

Surrounded by those that don't think them stained

I think it's not those around me

Maybe i am just unclean

For afterall is there not effort

Put continually into becoming a sinner