notyetaghost

[notyetaghost]

I will to hold you

You will try not to flinch

    

We will both pretend

That we are just fine

    

I wonder if that's all of life

Smiling in a room 

And pretending you’re fine

    

I would like to run away

But would that change a thing?

    

If there was another option

Would I take it?

If i took it

Would I end back here?

    

I like you

Not fully but enough

That's been life mostly

Not complete feeling

But almost enough

    

I could stay here

And think and think

Till the sun blows its fuse

    

Would that change a thing?

We are still here

Still holding each other

    

Pretending to all

That our minds aren’t long gone

    

I will try to hold you

You will try not to flinch

That should be enough

It's all we have to give

    

It has to be enough

Not total and encapsulating

But enough

It just has to be enough

[notyetaghost]

I have nothing to say to you

Yet i still want to say to you

Shall i send you a letter

Of an empty page

    

I wish to speak with you

Though we have nothing to speak of

I have found no topics worth you

I still wish for you to know

    

I want to call you

And say nothing into the line

    

You consume my thoughts

I want to share that with you

I wish to share my thoughts of you

Yet i only wish to do so with you

I have no to say to you

But the love inside my cheat

Shall i send you a love note

With nothing but a lipstick kiss

 

I cannot sate the urge 

To tell you the nothing i have done

My head is full of nothing 

Yet i still want to share with you

[notyetaghost]

God is people

The devil is people

    

She is the raising chest of a sleeping child

They are the burning down of an old house

    

Heaven is people

Hell is people

    

It is the calm of a cold night

Its the bleeding of a deer in bite

     

There is nothing and everything

We are all and yet none

    

We all  crave love

Some only find hate

    

Love is other people

Hate is other people

    

You are people

You are everything and nothing

    

Love or hate you are people

God or devil you are people

    

Everything we know is people

Nothing we know is people

    

There is nothing are you 

There is everything you are

You are forever people

Choose your path you are people

God is people 

The devil is people

[notyetaghost]

I would set myself on fire

To keep you warm

I would jump into the arctic

If it mean you were cooler

    

I know you would not ask me to

But i would

There is not a thing i wouldn't do

As long as you asked of me

    

I would get better 

If you asked it of me

I would get worse 

If that was your wish

    

If you wished for me to die

I would perish

Ask above my grave for me to rise

And i shall awake to be by your side

You would not ask this of me

But any command you give i will follow

I love you to the extent of creation

I love you to the reach of destruction

Yet you ask me for nothing

More than the love of you

[notyetaghost]

I place you on a pedestal

Yet you cannot offer me the carpet

I do not need you

As much as i portray i do

You are a convenience 

Because i require the appearance

Of entertaining human relationships

And you are there to provide

I cannot wonder your nature or reason

For you do not know me behind the mask

And you still treat me as you do

Others around you are not treated

With the same absolute indifference

Is it because i place you on a pedestal

That your actions are without care

I give and listen, ask for nothing in return

And yet those who are not elevated to your height

Are far in the length of affections they show me

Truthfully i am glad i do not need you

For if i did you would likely destroy me

Though i don't think maybe it simply is your character

Or maybe it is the height you stand

And the affections i offer

But if i were to open you to honesty

My thanks to the impermanence of our relationship

[notyetaghost]

If i tell you every evil i've done

And you continue to love me

I think i shall feel worse

You were able to look at me

In all my horror and inadequacy

And find beauty in it

Yet i who possess the sin

Am perturbed and revolted

Not by my actions

But by my very self

You choosing to love me despite

Is further proof i am beyond repair

For if you can look upon me

And see something worth loving

Then i must be truly wrong

To look at my same self

And see nothing but rot

[notyetaghost]

Would you still love me

If i told you 

Every terrible thing i've done

If i tell you and you act no different

I will not know what to do with me

I know every terrible thing i've done

And i can never forgive myself

Everything you tell me you love me

I feel the urge to tell you

Of all the wrong i have done

I need to look into your eyes

And know you know my atrocities

Know you are willing love me despite

[notyetaghost]

Would you still love me

If i told you 

Every terrible thing i've done

If i tell you and you act no different

I will not know what to do with me

I know every terrible thing i've done

And i can never forgive myself

Everything you tell me you love me

I feel the urge to tell you

Of all the wrong i have done

I need to look into your eyes

And know you know my atrocities

know you are willing love me despite

[notyetaghost]

You are a vision

A piece of divine creation

It does not matter your flaws

As long as you remain

Whether you are here or far

You are still worthy of admiration

You are unlike any other

It matters not that you are average

Nor if you were entirely above standard

You are yourself 

That is all that matters

You are a complete being

Whether you believe so or not

If those around know or not

It matters not

For you were forged in the stars

There a divinity in your skin

It matters not your purpose

Just that you remain

[notyetaghost]

Kneel before me and weep

For i am a monument to your sins

You blood running through my veins

The image cloned on my face

Look upon me and weep

That you can never look away

I am the form you made me

What could you teach me but wrong

Not your fault is your bloodline

But you choose to pass it on

Stare into the eyes of your greatest mistake

I am the shape you made me

I am your spitting image

In all you rot and glory

Look upon me beg or weep

I will not tire nor will i sleep

I am your spawn your own creation

Look me in the eyes and face your sins

[notyetaghost]

One of the worst feelings

That i have ever felt

    Is to be alone in your solitude

And to hear the laughter of others

Right outside your door

    In theory you could join them

Sit them and stay with their company

But you wont feel it

The warmth of their smiles and laughter

    You love them, truly you do

But you do not like them

You do not trust them

    It's a funny irony the two

You feel love without like or trust

But is that not what family is?

    I do not need to like you

To know your favourite colour is yellow

To know how you like your coffee

    Yet i can and will never

Feel safe in your space

You raised me, you don't know me

    If you knew me you would cast me aside

Tear me off like a limb caught in a trap

Is that not why I don't trust you?

    

I could not ask you to change for me

You are to set in your ways to change for mine

And yet i hear the laughter outside my room

I cannot join for it hurts more

To be there and unfeeling that it does

To be alone and numb 

[notyetaghost]

Your child is not worthy of your affection

You brought me here

And yet you refuse to see me

I do not want you to see me

If your eyes begin to clear

Please look away

You will not like what you will see

The hallucination that clouds you

Is all you need to see

A precious, pious child

Devout and sweet that is all you see

That is not me

You do not want to see your child

And neither should you try

For your child is not worthy to be seen

[notyetaghost]

I need to be clean

Like the greenery needs sunlight

Like the night needs the stars

Without the badge of purity

The cloak of virtue

I crave it deep in my soul

Even though its not required

I don't think i can be complete without

I need to be clean

What do i need to do

To prove my worth to the heavens

I can be pure and clean

All i need is to be accepted

If i can have that?

Won't i be happy

If you accept me i'll be alright

I'll be good enough, right?

[notyetaghost]

Used and tainted is the flesh

Unclean and dirty is the soul

The waters is dark

It calls and begs 

For you to take a swim

To join the others of your state

Don their cloak and colours

You are a daughter of hate 

Are you not 

The spitting image of your father

Enter the shallows and clean yourself

Wash in the death of others

Enter the deep and become them

[notyetaghost]

What exactly am i hiding

Besides my true self

I believe there's something 

Rotten and dead deep within me

So i paint my flesh pure white

So you cant see the decay

I am dead, i am a monster

I'm an innocent prized lamb

I hide on the outside waiting

For my pale to break

There is nothing more unholy

That the sinner that lies within

I pray at the altars

Ask of the priests to save me from sin

There is a mask they cannot break

There is an evil within

I offer myself for slaughter

Like a virgin sacrifice

There is nothing pure

There is nothing clean

For I  am drenched in sin

I appear a pure lamb

I am a rotten creature

Please just let me in

[notyetaghost]

You like me

I think you do

But you'll never love me

I don't think ill ever be enough

I know i wont

I'm painfully average

And the feeling is awful

I know there's nothing wrong

With being ordinary and plain

But the fear chokes me 

Cause i know i'm not enough

I'm okay at everything i try

I'm never good enough to be great

Never liked enough to be loved

I know that you like me

You probably do i hope you do

But i want to be loved

I want to be good enough

[notyetaghost]

It's embarrassing to want

I want to be pretty

I want to be special

I want you

It seems so practically juvenile

The heart wants what it wants

Maybe that's why it doesn't get along

With the brain, destroyer of want

You will never be pretty

You are mediocre at best

They will never love you

I want and want

But i know i can never have

Never have in the ways that matter

Its cruel to blame the brain

For its only doing its job

No matter how cruel it may seem

But i want and sometimes i feels like need

It reminds me that it's not

That i've survived without it and will continue

It's a cruel job to have

To crush the hopes of a bleeding heart

But want is a fickle thing

And no amount of it can stop 

The executioner from doing its job