#all of this is /pos I don’t think you could’ve done it any other way I love this

[b1rdbra1ned]

Oh no I hate Fan too. Fan was not a good character in season 2 and he didn't actually face any consequences for his actions. Paintbrush was like the closest we got to Fan being criticised and people considered PB to be the one overreacting. Paintbrush is done so dirty because the fandom put their own belief about the bright lights being family even though Paintbrush never actually got along with them. They talked to tt like once, bickered with lb until the last ep they were in and then there's. Fan..

Also I think I hate fantube a little more after the theyrebasicallycanon polls put enstars against ii. Glad rinniki won they deserve the win against fantube imo.

Sorry I was tired of being critical of ii so I don't like it anymore 😔

But hiiii we haven't talked much in a while ik :(( I'm on holiday rn but feel free to talk to me if you want!

ALLLL OF THIS

Paintbrush was in every way in the right to yell at fan, he constantly bothered and nagged at them and the stuff about marshmallow was definitely the final straw

i only ever liked the whole bright lights family thing because honestly it could’ve worked imo!!! but they just never took that chance they never really developed the brights lights AT ALL most season (beside from marshmallow) the bright light felt more like the comical team (not really but can’t think of a better way to describe them) compared to the grand slams who definitely got way more focus and development

it’s shitty because i think the brights lights could’ve had potential but they were just casted aside until the last few episodes where “oh hey look development!! :] oh wait nvm they’re eliminated now <3” like ????

paintbrush definitely got the short end of the stick here. literally having what was supposed to be their episode mainly centred around tt and lb and having their feelings about marsh being completely casted aside. i wish more was done w/ marshmallow and them vs them and lb

looking back a lot of their scenes w lb just felt kinda off??? i don’t think can articulate this probably rn but paintbrush deserved better

but at the same time i wish the team got more time w/ each other in general, they have so many great opportunities to do it like in the maze episodes but again they’re kinda just cast aside as just comedy

and w/ s3 oh boy i hate what they did with paintbrush and their “arc” in the last few episodes. they quite literally and figuratively took away their edges, i miss sassy, sarcastic confident paintbrush they feel so dulled down in iii and it’s like no one in the writing team understands them at all. it’s like they didn’t even write s2 (but hey back to the point i mentions last post that show writers really ought to stop listening to fans sometimes because this is how fanon seeps in </3)

i hate how the a lot of the fans view paintbrush especially if it’s only ever in the context of lightbrush or shipping (another thing that pisses me off btw is how they’re always treated as irrational and or just plain out abusive FUCK PEOPLE WHO PORTRAY PAINTBRUSH LIKE THIS)

they’re such a great character who gets absolutely fucked over by the writing and fandom (not all of the fandom of course, i love seeing ppls takes and discussions on them but it’s just some fans who just </3)

i don’t like discouraging ships, if ppl are mature and respectful and don’t put other ppl down then that’s all great and stuff but my problem is that i really wish paintbrush was just seen as more than their ships yknow

Fan is.. the more i think about canon him the more im like yeaaa… uh no thanks…. (mainly w/ him and paintbrush and cabby)

idk if im even allowed to say they changed tt this season because.. she didn’t honestly have a lot of screentime last season compared to a whole lot of other characters, but in iii she feels off?? honestly all of them do even the new contestants later on during the season

idk if i have the words to describe why s3’s characterisation is so off and at time frustrating, their arcs too, was going to point out some characters but honestly i could make a case for nearly ALL the contestants the ones who weren’t voted out early at least

that’s the end of my ramble tho, sorry ik i talked a lot about paintbrush, i want to talk about the others too but they’re the one i still even think about. hopefully this isn’t a bit hard to read, ik im not that organised w my rambles sometimes

[ceoofhelaegon]

In HOTD the “prequel” episodes should’ve been confined to 3 instead of 5 and those 2 episodes should’ve been spent with the green kids, specifically Aegon (older Aegon).

He’s our 2nd main character and we know NOTHING about him going into S2 and the main action other then he’s a r***st and a pos.

All his canon character traits like going to flea bottom, alcoholism, whoring, being a sex addict and a libertine, being depressed over his inheritance etc are all either just implied, hinted to or viewers heard from the books or actor interviews. For most of us it’s the books. If you only watched the show you know nada.

On the other hand we spent SO MUCH TIME with Daemon. We saw what he casually gets up to, kinda a view his daily life, we got to know him in what I even think was too much screen time. He’s an important character but not a main character so the most time should’ve been spent on rhaenyra (5+ episodes of focus) and Aegon (10 minutes max of screen time and in 90% of that we just see him and don’t get to know him at all or it’s already the main action)

We also spent so much time with Leanor who hardly has any significance in the Dance or later events.

We spent so much time on the Stepstones debacle even tho it has little to no contribution to the main plot other then one mention of the triarchy during the dance. The stepstones plot was done imo as a way to flesh out Daemon’s character and Daemon and viserys’s relationship.

But am I wrong when I say “was that really that important and crucial to take up 5 episodes?”

Look how unfair and unbalanced the info we have on rhaenyra vs Aegon is. We see rhaenyra grow up, we see an hour long well rounded view into her life, hardships, conflicts, friendships, etc that shape her into who she will be as a character and her behavior in the later action. By the time we see her in episode 8 and the real action begins she’s a character we’re already familiar with.

Instead we could’ve gotten a good 2 episodes looking into the daily lives of the green kids at the Keep. We could’ve seen Aegon in flea bottom, wandering drunk around the keep, being dragged out of brothels, partying, sneaking out at night, creeping around serving girls in a book canon way, slacking off training and lessons, bonding with or riding Sunfyre, his relationship with his siblings and family outside of only showing us the conflict parts

The whole thing with Daemon stems from “famous actor syndrome” meaning that if an actor less well known than Matt Smith was playing Daemon we wouldn’t be spending as much time with him.

GOT had Sean Bean, I was looking into the promo for GOT season 1 and it was only Sean Bean. GOT firstly attracted viewers because of him.

Kit Harrington and Sophie Turner talked about how all of the actors had to learn Sean Bean’s northern accent because Sean Bean couldn’t do RP.

I think the same could be applied to Matt Smith, without a shadow of a doubt he is the most famous actor in HoTD, and neither him or his fans would like to have him in the sidelines.

In regards to Rhaenyra, regardless of my feelings of the character, making her the protagonist was a mistake. She doesn’t survive the whole Dance, and her death occurs way too late to be like Ned Stark dying in season 1, so we would shift focus to other characters.

Alicent survives the whole Dance, her character is one of the most important to be build up for it. Cregan doesn’t do anything to her to avoid another war breaking out.

Targaryens are supposed to be otherworldly, if we got them through an outsider’s perspective it would make much more sense. Alicent seeing Rhaenyra flying on her dragon and seeing how insane this was, and how Rhaenyra saying that Alicent should ride with her would be a great set up.

Seeing how Targaryens only care about their own, no matter what they say is also a good way of seeing it through Alicent’s eyes.

Aegon, well…he should’ve been the focus of the narrative as soon as Rhaenyra leaves for Dragonstone. How does he feel about Rhaenyra? How does he feel about the fact that he was disinherited for no good reason? Those are the questions the show should be answering.

They have the skeleton of a story, finish the building, don’t knock it down and start from scratch because it never works.

[romanticnoir]

Call it Love - Kdrama Discourse

No one asked but here is everything I have to say~ spoilers ahead **

I’ll start with I loved this drama. This drama is in the romance genre they should say instead drama because it’s really more that. But we get the main leads two ppl who are hurt for different reasons. And find love and comfort in each other.

Male lead had a neglectful mother who for some reason kept switching partners as easy as changing your clothes . As much as I wanted to hate her if I’m honest I just really couldn’t I’m sorry I enjoyed her character and her bf like she was so overly dramatic and legit thought she was the shit like it was both hilarious and infuriating to watch,,, this lady was an awful mother and human being. If anything if I had been the directors I would’ve given her way less screen time those last two episodes I don’t want to feel bad for her. She deserved so much Dongjin telling her that he was thankful he didn’t take after her and how unhappy she made his entire being. She deserves everything that’s coming. if there is a pet peeve of mines is the light punishment for ppl who commit actual crimes in drama’s because why do they always get away with it she committed FRAUD AND hid the will like common now�� she should be in jail.

Our male lead not only has a shitty mother but his long time girlfriend CHEATS ON HIM not only did girly cheat on him but brakes up with him in his favorite spot in the world his camping place like he knew she cheated on him but he still decided to ignore it I just ugh I cried tbh I also repeated that scenes so many times when he told her not to brake up with him there because then he will never be able to come back and enjoy prob his only fucking hobby and she went and ruined it like a heartless pos it hurt so good I’m sorry dongjin but this type of angst just does things with my heart I love it.

Dongjin GREENEST OF THE GREENEST FLAG A MALE LEAD CAN BE! All ml should learn from him. His soft spoken and even after everything his gone through he is still the kindest person (and yes it may be his trauma response from his mother) but it doesn’t take away from him just being such a good person. The only time I saw him angry was that one time he told woojoo off. Even so he wasn’t a fucking ass like we see often with other mls. Even when finding out the truth and saying that he understands why she did why she did. And the fact that he does not hate her omg. that is ladies and gents PEAK MALE LEAD CHARACTER. He didn’t hate her because as he said “the love that she gave him was so much more than the pain she caused” I think he was definitely my fave character.

Woojoo : the actress just conveys the angst her character was feeling so well like you can see it every time although she wanted to spend time with him even though she was happy to be with him she always felt that guilt and that sadness of betraying her family and dongjin but also wanting him to be happy because she knows he isn’t a bad person.

And if there’s anything that I disliked from the drama is that they didn’t give us any moments of them actually being happy together after the reunion I think the writers could’ve done better for the last episode they gave us unnecessary details about side characters. Like yes I’m glad the sister had nice friends but do I really care she’s getting married absolutely not[the friend getting married info ]… we could have gotten the proposal with Jun saying everything he told her about loving seeing her in his home. Instead of that luncheon we could’ve gotten more jigu doing street concerts or him following his dreams I think I would’ve appreciated that more since I feel like his character was the only one that always kind off got swept off. They would give us a story line and then forget he exists and have him do random appearances. Besides all that… how could they leave the reunion for the last two minutes that’s actual criminal.

Everything besides the last two episodes (yes two because I feel like they gave us wayyy too much of the mother ep 15 much more than we should have cared about. And then the last cuz we didn’t even get to see anything beyond the reunion. I feel cheated out of an actual happy ending.

Fave scenes: I honestly wouldn’t even had minded if it had ended here in that walk they had.

“I was so scared that’d I’d be hated if I revealed who I was but I was grateful you didn’t hate me “

I couldn’t hate you because the love you gave me was so much bigger , than the pain you gave me “

“[support, consolation, love] you gave me everything”

Anyway~ needless to say I loved this drama it was great all the actors did a fantastic job I really want to watch more stuff with their faces

Is it obvious dongjin is my fave character ? Lol this isn’t all I have to say. But I will probably make another post about the side couple.

Bestie I just saw your message so here I am tagging you @soytujoy thank you so much for recommending me this drama you were so right about everything! It is great ♥️

UPDATE: no wait there was another time where dongjin was angry and it was when woojoo got hurt by that guy. YALL HE WAS ACTUALLY SO COOL THERE IM NOT SORRY.

[olderjodijournals]

Friday, December 1, 2000

One month down, 5 more to go. Only 2 if my vibe’s accurate.

Officer Means is on now. That name’s even weirder.

Tom sent me a really nice letter, along with a mouse and snake picture. He covered our options in the letter, too.

One is to pursue the fact that the courts didn’t provide me with an interpreter, but we’d need a lawyer for that because it’s complicated. Also, if we won, there’s a good chance they’d just recharge me and start the sentence all over again.

We could also try getting the sentence reduced because all I did was send the journal, not the threatening letter. Besides, what I sent is laid out like a journal, not a letter. Any idiot can see its format is like a typical journal would be. The problem with this, though, is that after reducing my sentence for the journal, they could charge me for this bullshit letter, and I could get additional time.

I think our only hope is to hope I don’t get a monster PO and work with them. Better yet, hope they’ll work with us. As Tom said, part of my probation terms is the 6 months here, so maybe Mary can adjust that, although I won’t count on it. Tom’s going to write and send her a letter along with mine. To try to avoid my having to work full-time out of the house, he’s going to see if we can get into farming. Now that would be cool. I wouldn’t mind being a cowgirl, and this is something we discussed doing anyway.

But life is never what I plan or want it to be. I’m just so fucking sick of other people telling me how to live my life! Tired of being told what to do, where to go, etc.!

Also, and I didn’t know this, my 6 months here is part of my 3-year probation term, so I’d have 2½ years of probation once I get out. Even that is an eternity and totally ridiculous, even if I had sent the fucking letter. The whole fucking thing is so asinine!

Officer Rogers is on now. She’s short black and fat. I thought she was Johnson at first.

Tom told me during yesterday’s visit that he plans to send about 10 letters to various people/places, the mayor being one of them. God, I don’t know what I’d do without him! I’m forever in his debt no matter what happens. No one’s ever loved, understood and stuck by me like this!

I guess he’s been studying my type of hearing problem. Here are some quotes from his letter: I am sure that your hearing is what has caused many of the emotional problems you have encountered. Let me explain that better, the things that your parents and others did to you as a child were horrible, but it was the stresses caused by the hearing problems that really put you in an unfair position. Many people have bad parents and bad things that happen to them, but you had a huge disadvantage because of your ear. Unfortunately, it has only been recently that they made the connection between hearing problems and various “nervous” conditions. Like so many other things, society is quick to label people “crazy” and drug them up when there is really a physical problem that needs to be dealt with. You had to deal with this stupidity of people all of your life. I’m very proud of you every time I think about all of the things you had to overcome to get to where you are as an adult. As smart as I am, I don’t know if I could have done it.

Another yummy chicken dinner. We had ice cream too, and it was way better than plain vanilla. It was chocolate with chunks of chocolate in it.

If today could be like it was every day, it wouldn’t be so bad here. I shit after lights out last night and slept better than usual. We all slept till around 2:00, although we had to get up, of course, for various things along the way – breakfast, our hour out, etc.

I put in a tank as soon as I got back in this giant display case. Maybe they can help me sleep even better than antihistamines can and maybe I can see Kara.

If only, if only I’d taken Deanna next door with me! That way I’d never have gotten stuck with nutty Melinda or shooed out of the other cell for Hermy, and I could’ve at least had the same celly till February. I could live just fine with Deanna. She sleeps most of the time, anyway. She gave me a couple of sharp pencils and I gave her some conditioner. I don’t know that I’ll ever buy conditioner again here, but the hair protein is great.

A lady from classification came by today to talk to the new girl next door and Madeline. Madeline’s time is up in two weeks. She wants to go to A400 to avoid the crowded dorms. The lady, though, says she has no say in where we go from here. When I spoke to her, she told me she doesn’t deal with sentenced people, and suggested I put tank orders in to “workbox” and “classification.” I wrote that I don’t feel comfortable returning to the tents because I’m nervous around so many people, and to please put me in A400 where there are fewer people. However, I’m virtually certain they’re not going to put me there. They’ll tell me it’s either here or the tents, but I already made up my mind. I’m sick of Ad-Seg and I’m returning to the tents. I don’t know how I’ll survive more than a week of it with my sleeping disorder, but at least I know, thanks to Officer Rule, who I’ll be happy to see again, that I can always rePC myself. The 2nd time around has to be for 90 days. I’m going to have to re-PC anyway, when it starts getting hot if I’m going to be here the whole 6 months.

Lora and I just made an awesome trade, since I know my only other choice is going to be to go to the tents. She had a lock from when she was in the tents, which cost $8. She’s going to sell it to me at half price, which means I’ll be buying her $4 worth of commissary.

Those fuckers are still offering me Theo – damn!

I was just chatting with Madeline, who I feel more comfortable with, now that I’m getting to know her, even if she’s still obnoxious with not much of a sense of humor, either. You could say we both annoy each other. I annoy her with all my questions, and she annoys me with her selfishness. She was screaming through the vent at the people downstairs and starting to give me a headache. When I got on her ass about it, she was like – I was here first. So I let her know I wouldn’t respect anyone who didn’t respect me and wouldn’t hesitate to yell out the door to people if I wanted to while she was sleeping, but she later apologized.

I can’t wait till Lora leaves on the 7th, although I may be gone before then, depending on whether or not I stay in Ad-Seg. She’s way too loud.

Speaking of Lora, she got a “homosecting” write-up because a DO noticed a red splotch on her tit that they thought was a hickey. This was a while ago. I think it’s wrong to forbid inmates from playing around with each other. I mean, who is it hurting? They can’t impregnate each other, so what’s the big deal as long as it’s mutual?

Saturday, December 2, 2000

The first night I was back in the big cell and sleeping on the floor by the door before I got brave enough to climb up here, Pérez caught me crying as she walked by. Everyone else was asleep, so she opened the door, motioned me out, and asked what was wrong. I told her I was homesick and we chatted for a few minutes. Her birthday’s the day before mine and we got to talking about how alike we are, which really means how different we are (compared to most people, anyway). I felt better after we chatted. She’s really nice.

So, where am I going to end up for sure, and when? I think I’m going to the tents. Another good thing about the tents is that I don’t have to have closed contact visits with Tom, and I can hug him! Or so I thought. Lora just informed me that you’re not allowed to do that. Nor can you give them anything to take home without putting in a tank order. So, I couldn’t just hand Tom these journal sheets. I’d still have to mail them.

It’s about 11 PM now and I’m nowhere near sleep. Not after sleeping on and off till 2:00

I mixed my shampoo and conditioner together, so now it’s in one bottle.

Officer Johnson filled in for a DO whose name I don’t know. I like Johnson. The girls were teasing me about it earlier too, when they caught me checking her out. Especially Madeline. We all tease each other about shit like that. I’m not attracted to her the way I am with Palma. I mostly like her for her personality, but there’s just something about her. I cleaned the tables downstairs for her and she said she might have me come out again if she had more work for me, but she didn’t.

Can’t wait for my commissary! Two more nights.

Although a part of me wants to remain in PC, there’s still an even bigger part of me that wants to return to the tents, but am I making a mistake if I did?

Sunday, December 3, 2000

Tomorrow’s birthday will be the first one where I don’t get any cards. It kind of hurts that I haven’t heard from Mom and Mary, but I understand and don’t hold anything against them. Ma’s too old and shaky to write, and Mary’s too busy with her own problems.

A mean old lady was on last night, a nice old lady was on today, Chavez, who’s OK, is on second shift. I hope Pérez or Temple is on tonight.

Palma walked by earlier when Chavez was on break and I said hi. I started to tell her I missed seeing her in A Tower, then Madeline screamed out that I liked her. I quickly cut her off by yelling at her to shut up. Palma didn’t hear, but she sure had a funny expression on her face. She looked all confused, then shook her head and walked away. I was both amused and pissed by Madeline’s little outburst. She and I have a routine now. It’s become our ritual to argue at night. We fight from dinnertime on till around midnight, but we’ve kind of taken to each other at the same time. I think she enjoys jumping down my throat as much as I enjoy jumping down hers. She’s still one of those cellies I wouldn’t miss if I never saw her again.

I didn’t know the DO’s uniforms included shorts, but they do. Miss Know It All says the inmates can wear shorts in the summer in the tents, too. They got a new rule today – shirts must be tucked in when in the hallways.

Deanna gave me a pretty bookmark and half of her eraser.

I told her about rodents and she wants a guinea pig. I made out a list of things for her to buy along with it.

I think Madeline and Lora may be making some kind of card or letter by the way they’re acting.

I may take Lora’s bunk when she leaves for 3 reasons (if I’m still here). So I can have more privacy since I can see into the tower from where I’m at now, so I can be away from the vent, and because Madeline says she’d rather it be my feet climbing up and down on her bed below it than someone else’s. Yeah, I’m sure someone will replace Lora in a day or so.

It’s almost change of shift. The lights should be going out soon. We’re not going to request that they stay on late because no one wants to read tonight.

That dump I felt I had to do all day that I was waiting for the lights to go off to do, seems to have disappeared. If all people did was piss, I could live in this cell, but I don’t want to. I want to return to the tents, but again, can I handle it? Well, if I can’t, someone taught me how to escape the jungle!

What do I do if I can’t escape, though? What if I try to re-PC myself with a DO who won’t care to help me like Rule did? I’d hate to bother Rule with re-PCing me. I don’t want to take advantage of her, and it may look funny if her name is on two PC forms.

Monday, December 4, 2000

A108

I’m back in A Tower after Deanna gave me a birthday present which got me out of that cell. Unlike Lora and Madeline, I never minded her snoring, but the moaning she was doing, especially moaning that seemed to be deliberate, was pissing me off. I went off on her and Deanna went off back, telling me she’d “get my ass” if I ever hollered at her again like I did. Although I didn’t really want to fight, I was seriously contemplating springing off my bunk and onto Deanna, when I heard the tall black DO called Tate was on her way by. Suddenly, I understood where Deanna was going with all this and we screamed at each other till the DO came in. I told the DO that being threatened wasn’t my idea of a birthday present and Deanna sort of lunged at me in a menacing way with the DO right there.

Tate said, “Happy birthday. Step out of the cell, please.”

As I waited downstairs like she instructed me to, I realized that the only place they could send me to was A Tower, since all the beds were taken, and since the third shift didn’t normally swap and shuffle people around. Sure enough, some guy DO, who was super nice, came and got me, and now I’m back with the mice and Palma. Palma’s not on tonight, though. Black Johnson and some other guy are on.

While I was waiting in M before I could get my shit, Madeline took Lora’s lock back and slipped a birthday card they made up last night in my manila envelope. The card was nice. They copied an inspirational poem and signed it. I would’ve given Lora the lock if Madeline hadn’t, though, because I obviously won’t be able to give Lora her commissary. I’ll have extra for myself this week.

Before I realized where Deanna was headed, I must say that I’m proud of myself for standing up to her. I learned a long time ago that turning the other cheek only invites people to mess with me even more and assume they can get away with it too, just because I’m little. I’m just glad we didn’t cell together like we had talked about!

When the guy brought me back here just after 6 AM, I was going to be in a downstairs cell, but its toilet was all clogged up. So I’m back in 108, the cell I was in the last time. I think this is the best cell in the pod. I was amazed at how clean it was, too. It was spotless. A trustee must’ve cleaned it. All I had to do when I was woken up at 11:30 for my hour out was shower. Then I slept till mid-afternoon.

I arrived here just in time for new stripes, sheets, panties, bras and towels. I didn’t know they did all that in one day. I need a new gown, but they don’t do gowns that often. I’m surprised they didn’t do socks. I guess they do whatever they feel like doing, whenever they feel like doing it.

During my hour out, the DO said he heard I was to be rolled up for work furlough. Again? I told him I didn’t think I was eligible for it, although I must be, and this worries me. Can they make me do it? Will it look bad to my PO if I don’t? Hey, it’s my life, I can’t keep a schedule here, and I’m not interested. Period. I’ll work at home, thank you, and for myself. Not for Joe Arpaio.

Also, I thought it through again, and PC’s the place to stay for sure if I can’t go to A400. The tents are not for me. God sent Officer Rule to be my savior that night for a reason!

I’m worried about my commissary. Will it be forwarded to me here? I’d hate to be charged for shit I never got, but you do have to sign for it, so that’s good. I just hope they bring it over and don’t return it.

I guess another good thing about my little squabble with Deanna is that that’s now one 4-man cell I couldn’t end up in when I go back there, instead of two. Deanna’s going to be there till February, so unless she moves, I can’t go back in that cell, and I’d think they’d put it in the computer about our not getting along.

God, I’m fucking pissed! I knew it, too. Just knew it. No commissary this week. They never got my order, they said. How convenient. The question is, though - was my order form lost by accident, or did someone deliberately ditch it? Thank God I at least have lotion, shampoo and shit like that, but I was really looking forward to some candy what with how bad this food is here, and now I have to wait another fucking week. Why is it that I have a feeling every 2-3 orders will be hit or miss? Another thing that sucks about not getting commissary tonight is the fact that I wouldn’t have had to have cellies trying to beg it off of me.

Johnson wished me a happy birthday (yeah, some fucking birthday!). and gave me two juices with dinner. I don’t know if she did that for everyone, or just for me, but it was nice. They’re getting better with desserts lately. Tonight it was pumpkin pie.

I finished my first book in this place and now I’ll start another.

Tuesday, December 5, 2000

Temple’s on tonight. She’s cool.

I love being by myself. If I have to be in this miserable place, couldn’t I just stay right here by myself? I wish!!!

I wonder if I’m going to end up being charged for my so-called “lost order?” I hope not! I’d rather not get it than be charged for shit I never got. Chavez was working the night we placed our orders. Would she deliberately chuck my form? I don’t know. I haven’t had a problem with her, but anything’s possible.

Johnson’s on 2nd shift again tonight. I wish Palma and white Johnson were on more often. And Nottelmann and Pérez, too.

The room stank of mice, so I swept and mopped, but that only made the smell worse.

I said hi to Becky again. I guess I’m a better lip reader than I thought because I understood her when she told me she goes to court on January 10th, among a few other things she said. She’s in A200, the unsentenced pod.

I’m still exercising daily, but not singing much lately.

Had a wonderful visit with Tom. He said he thinks I’ll get out earlier, but doesn’t know when. That enhanced my February vibe, but I don’t know. I don’t trust my vibes, given my circumstances, and I don’t want to get my hopes up. Nonetheless, we talked about him sending out letters to the mayor, the governor, the courts, etc.

He also typed my letter up to the PO and sent what he said was a hostile one of his own.

Not too hostile, I hope, or else he’ll be labeled a stalker. And if that PO’s black, they’ll call him a racist from the KKK. They may even refer to us both as Jack the Ripper. Society loves fancy labels. Especially the media.

He said he didn’t make any threats, naturally, but he implied threats pertaining to possible lawsuits when using words like disabilities, accommodate, and how poorly the courts handled things. He said that although the letter is only two pages, it took him two days to write it.

The sole reason I was on disability was because of my ear and being hard of hearing, not my mental state at the time. Well, he said that if worse came to worse and they insisted I work full-time out of the house, we can always try to get me back on disability, and they couldn’t do anything to me while the case was pending. I’d like my disability reinstated. The extra money wouldn’t hurt, but I can’t see it happening. I think they’ll just be like – lots of hard of hearing and deaf people work, so tough.

Tom says Harry’s very mellow and told me a couple of funny stories about Houdini. Houdini jumps up on the couch and even went to join him in bed! One night he couldn’t get him to go home after he let him out to run around and he was too tired to deal with it, so he said fuck it, and went to bed. After he’d been asleep a while, he suddenly felt something tugging on his hair!

Sleeping from around 4 AM to noon seems to be the only schedule I can keep in this place. It would’ve been ideal for me if I could’ve returned to the tents to work as an A Tower trustee from 3 PM-11 PM, but I know that’s just a dream. You can’t ask for what job/shift you have. If I could’ve done that, though, I’d see both Rule and Palma.

Ma’s leg is getting better and Mary’s still waiting around as far as what to do next about her cancer.

Still?!?!

So far, no one’s answered my tanks. Not classification or psych, so I put in another tank for classification, psych, and one to medical for an inhaler refill. Next comes the grievances, because I know they’re not just going to just give me a refill. No, they’ll have to play with me for a while first, the mother-fuckers!

I’ve got to see a therapist, any therapist, once every week or two while I’m here because it not only helps to get out of my cell and shit off my chest, but that’s also documentation for me that I may need someday.

The next words I gave for Tom to look up the signs to are jail, home and free.

I have a vibe about getting out of here in February. I hope so! February 5th, 9th and 14th stand out in my mind for some reason.

Someone told me there was a reason why I’m here. I can’t see any reason other than that something’s out to get me.

Tom was right – Ma did send me birthday money despite my being in here. Now he can order the doll care kit. I hope he got the electric razor that was going to be my Christmas present to him with the pennies I saved in my big old piggy bank. I’d feel bad if he didn’t, and as I told him, I already feel bad enough as it is. I mentally beat myself up every day along with the freeloaders for all the shit he’s had to endure on account of this, even though it’s not my fault. I worry about him out there, wondering if he’ll get in an accident, get ill, or decide never to see me again and whether or not he has plans to replace me. I know I’m just being paranoid and that if anyone’s going to stick by me, it’s him, but it’s because I was dumped by my parents that I get paranoid. When you can’t trust your own parents, who can you trust? But at the same time, I’m immune to being dumped and I wouldn’t hesitate to dump people myself if they gave me a good enough reason to. It takes a while to strike up a relationship, but it only takes a second to dump them and throw it all away.

The way Tom has stuck by me and understood me makes up for all those who did not. His letters, visits and praise help keep me going and I can’t wait to get out of here! Things I took for granted will be special and special things will be very special. I just hope it doesn’t take months before people read/respond to the letters! I know how busy they are.

The inmates here are not as they’re portrayed on TV. On TV they’re all drop-dead gorgeous and half of them beat the shit out of each other while the other half gets it on with each other. Of course, there are some gay/bi women as well as some fights, but not like on TV. And none of these inmates stand out in any way looks-wise.

If the PO says I have to work full-time and SS won’t reinstate me - then what? Do I kill myself right then and there, or do we run? Something’s trying to force me to remain the city girl I’ve been for the last 15 years! (minus the near year I was blessed enough to live in Maricopa)

I wish they made shirts smaller than the one I’m wearing. It’s past my ass, hanging off my shoulders, and makes me look fat because it’s so baggy. I don’t need any help looking fat!

It seems like I’ve had a million cellies, yet I’ve only had 8 so far.

I’m thinking of getting a radio, although I may live to regret it. People are going to beg to use it. They’re so rude at times, begging for people’s shit. I’m sorry some people are less fortunate, but that’s no reason to be rude. Next time I get candy begged off me, I may just be like – OK, you want some? Then cram it down their fucking throats so hard, nearly choking them to death on the shit.

They won’t be begging anymore.

Another good thing is that I can get what I want only. I stupidly let Lora talk me into getting a couple of things to make me a birthday cake. How rude, huh? Asking someone to buy things for their own birthday cake.

Wednesday, December 6, 2000

Got a letter from Tom outlining the highlights of the letter he sent the PO, and yes, he even mentioned the freeloaders’ wrongdoings. The letter was well-written and to the point, but again, I question just what kind of a PO I’ve got. I’m sure I’ve got one of those I-don’t-give-a-fuck POs. She hasn’t even returned Tom’s call. He didn’t send all the letters out at once. He’s sending some this week, and the rest next Monday. I guess he wanted to leave a little reaction time in between and says I should hear from the PO by the end of this week.

Gee, I can’t wait!

He enclosed a picture of a mouse and the one of the iguana.

The time’s flying. Sometimes it seems that way, anyway. It seems to go fast from Monday to Thursday, but from Thursday to Monday, time seems to drag.

For the most part, I don’t remember my dreams. That’s because I’m already actually in jail. Once I get out, the nightmares will begin. Better that the nightmares occur in my sleep than in real life, like they are now, but I’m still not looking forward to all the nightmares I know I’ll have about being stuck back here once I get out.

I wish all my tanks could get me results as fast as the one to Kara did! I put in medical tanks this morning for a counselor and inhaler. Naturally, I didn’t get the inhaler. That’s going to be quite a fight. But I did get to see Kara. It turns out she’s just been super busy. I explained to her I needed to see someone, not just to get out of the cell and gab, but because that’s good documentation for me if I need it. She gave me a copy of the tank sheet and says she’ll give me documentation whenever we meet. I told her it didn’t have to be every week or for a full hour.

After showing her pictures of Tom and the animals, I filled her in on my being bounced around in M, then back to here. Also, on what Tom’s been up to. Your husband’s terrific, she told me, and she also said I was getting stronger, heading towards the door.

I hope!

Thursday, December 7, 2000

I feel so much better now that I’ve had a shower. I was beginning to wonder if they’d ever let me out, or if they screwed up and listed my psych session as my hour out. That was the latest I’ve ever been out. Nearly 10:30. There was no trustee on when I was out, so I had to sharpen these pencils by hand. If the commissary could be reliable enough, I’d just order new pencils weekly. They’re only 10¢ each.

Naturally, I had to deal with the demands when I was out. Yesterday it was someone begging for a change of clothes. I played deaf with her, but tonight’s pest was hard to ignore. The freeloaders yelled in my ear as I walked by to get a lighter for her from a few cells down. I did it, even though it was stupid of me, the one who always gets caught, and who could’ve gotten in deep shit. Well, I ain’t going to make a habit of doing their dirty work for them, that’s for sure. I guess it’s just that as a former smoker, I understood their cravings.

I found a slip of paper in here when I returned from the shower, saying I’m eligible for work furlough. But I’m not interested! So I’m going to fill out a tank letting them know I live way out in Maricopa, don’t want to get caught up in anything in the city, and have other plans for when I get out (farming), not that it’s any of their business, and maybe then they’ll leave me alone. I’m also not interested in working for Joe. I heard all the money you make goes to the sheriff. Now why would I want to go to work for him or anyone else in this fucking corrupt system? That’d really be lowering myself, and I’ve been lowered enough by others already.

Now the question is – do I want to go through the big fight I’ll have to go through every couple of weeks when my inhaler runs out, or just forget it? I just don’t understand what the big deal is. I’ve already seen the doctor, so why can’t they just give the nurse a new fucking inhaler to give to me when she does her rounds? Is this just another form of punishment that goes with being in jail? Probably so, but it’s wrong. They shouldn’t be playing games when it comes to meds. Jail is hard enough as it is.

I’m amazed at how brave these mice are now. They eat right by my feet and look pretty good for jail mice. Not just because I’ve been feeding them well, but because of their fur. They look like they could pass for Fancy mice.

Dinner last night was pretty good. I actually got full for a change. I got a generous portion of plain chocolate ice cream that wasn’t fully melted, a beef patty (fake), and spinach leaves. I think they’re spinach leaves, anyway, which is better than the carrots we got my first 3-4 weeks here. I wish they’d serve yogurt for lunch! I hear they rarely do. I hope we don’t get eggs twice in a row for breakfast. We got cereal twice in a row, but I like cereal. It’s either cereal, waffles, or eggs for breakfast. Once we got cottage cheese. I wish they’d give us that again. For drinks, we get milk at breakfast, a small bottle of juice at lunch, and a cup of juice at dinner.

I wish I could go home! I can’t wait to get out of this dungeon of concrete and steel!

Now would be the perfect time for a radio. I could listen to music in between walks. Watch, I’ll get my commissary and a celly at the same time. Actually, I should have the celly long before I have the commissary.

It’s cold in here! I don’t think A’s getting any heat at all.

After breakfast, they came in with a stick to check to be sure the light fixtures and windows were secure. I woke up 4 times before I got up at noon for lunch, and then my hour out. My wish came true and we had yogurt for lunch. Even a fruit bar.

On my hour out I swept, mopped, got my pencils sharpened, a medical tank, and a grievance form. Tom said, when I saw him earlier, to keep putting in requests without taking the fit I took before. I’ll keep putting them in, but they keep ignoring them, yet Tom says that’ll look good for us in the end. I get copies of all my unanswered tanks, and they have to respond to grievances. The question is if I don’t pitch a “suicidal fit,” how long am I going to have to wait? I want to just forget it, rather than go through this fucking bullshit, but I’ll do it for Tom. My first tank went out on the 5th and tomorrow, the 8th, I’ll put my second one out. Come next Monday, though, I’ll grieve daily.

He called SS. The first time I was on SS was to get benefits through Art till I was 22, then I got on it for myself. What I didn’t know was that they keep me listed on their books as disabled all my life. All they did in ‘94 was suspend my payments. Tom’s having my medical records transferred from MA to their Snottsdale office. Once they arrive (probably after New Year’s) he’ll send me a release form to sign so he can pick up copies.

I misunderstood Tom about who got letters on Monday. The only one that’s gone out so far is the PO’s. He wants to give her a week’s response time. When she could care less about me to respond, then Tom may send other letters.

Tom thinks it’ll all work out when I get out of here. I hope he’s right because I see 1 of 3 things happening when I get out. I see me dying, us running, or us returning to PHX so I can get on a bus line so I can work because the PO won’t reason with me and accommodate me, and because SS denied my application to reinstate me.

A111

No more being alone. Now I’m with Tina W. Yes, she talks a lot, but she’s fairly tame and sane for a change. I think we’ll get along OK. That’s what I thought with Deanna, though, so you never know. For now, she seems easygoing enough. She’s older, too. She’s 40, and it’s nice to be with someone older for a change. She’s white, 5’ 4”, too thin, with shoulder-length strawberry-blond hair, light eyes, and lots of wrinkles.

She too, says prison is better than jail. They’ll even let you be with your girlfriend if you have one.

She confirms my worst fears, saying probation’s such a pain in the ass that she’d rather just do jail time. She’s been in jail a few times, as well as prison. She was in for forgery because she used credit cards that she knew were stolen, and now she’s in for drugs. She said her son was kidnapped and murdered years ago and it made her turn to coke. She has another 20-year-old son.

This is the same woman that was bullied out of M Dorm by that black bitch. The one that bragged about being in prison for 13 years.

I really appreciate Nottelmann’s seeing that I got in with a sane celly and for letting me get my old mattress. The old one that was in here was so hard, so I doubled them up and am quite comfy now. Well, as comfy as I can be for being in jail.

Tina has also had the privilege of celling with agent Tara, who supposedly returned to the tents. That’d mean she has to work. I didn’t think she had the mentality to work.

We had chicken tonight, but no dessert other than an apple. Tina gave me hers (because of her dentures) and her cottage cheese, too. I gave her my bland potatoes. She’s trying to gain weight, so I’ll give her most of my bread.

I told Tina about my case. She thinks what everyone else thinks – it’s all bullshit.

Friday, December 8, 2000

Wow! It only took two medical tanks to get a refill on my inhaler and I didn’t have to wait a year, either! That was way faster than I thought it’d be.

I weighed myself at medical. I’m 111 pounds.

I saw Becky at medical. She says she’s here in this pod now. I’ll have to see her tomorrow on my hour out, but is she PC or de-seg? I didn’t get a chance to ask her.

On the way back, Nottelmann was my escort. I let her know how much I hate M’s 4-cells, and she said that although she couldn’t make any promises, she’d try her best to 2-man cell me.

In other news, we got another celly (we always get grouped in threes when Palma’s on). This one’s great, though. Her name’s Rosa G, she’s 20 years old and speaks no English. She looks more Indian than Spanish with her straight shoulder-length hair. She’s about 5’ 3” and is pretty chunky.

I’m amazed at how much Spanish I remember. We’re having virtually no problems communicating. The one thing I don’t like about Rosa is that she stinks! Still, I thanked Palma for putting Rosa in here.

She just arrived at the jail today, and according to her papers, she’s in for child abuse and 2nd-degree murder.

I don’t believe it. I just can’t see this girl as being capable of doing any such thing. I know she’s innocent.

Tina went to court. It looks like she’s going to be here for at least a few months, but probably more.

It’s about 8:30 and both cellies are asleep. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not that I’ll be sleeping when they’re up. I feel like I have a little space and privacy being up with them asleep, but will I be able to sleep well with them up? I hope so. They’re more mellow and less rude about that than Lora and Madeline were. Tina and Rosa can’t talk much anyway, since Tina doesn’t know Spanish, but I’m worried Tina will try anyway because she loves to talk, period. That’s the only thing I don’t like about her.

Sunday, December 10, 2000

I better get my commissary tomorrow night!

My wish came true twice and we had yogurt for lunch yesterday and the day before.

Tom sent me a copy of the PO’s letter. It was a good letter. As figured, though, neither of us has heard from her. So, if there’s still no mail from her come Monday’s mail pickup, the other letters will go out Tuesday.

He also mailed me my birthday card and a picture of me holding Butter Rum in my hand, and one of Scuttles. He said Harry bit him lightly. Glad it was light, but even so, he sure does have a way of getting bit by rodents!

He said Mary and Mom didn’t know I could get mail, and that they asked about visiting me, but Tom told them to wait till we know what’s going on with me. I’m beginning to wonder when and if I’ll ever know that.

It’s nice to know they still care. He says there’ll be a pile of holiday gifts from them waiting for me when I get out, and that they decided not to tell other family members about this because it’s none of their business.

Yes, it is. The media made sure of that. I know they know about this shit. Whether or not they believe it – I don’t know, and personally, I don’t care what they think. I know the truth and so do Tom, Mom, Mary and Dave. And Helen and Paula, too.

I also got a Christmas card from Paula and a quick note asking how I am, etc. I’ll send letters out Tuesday (commissary comes late on Monday) to Tom, Mom and Paula.

I have become very close to Rosa. She’s easily the best celly I’ve ever had. No, I’m not attracted to her, but we have so much fun talking in Spanish. This is the most Spanish I’ve ever spoken!

We discussed her case, and from what she told me, her 1-year-old daughter was killed when she fell and hit her head in the tub when she stepped out of the bathroom. That’s neglect, not murder.

I just can’t imagine for the life of me, this easy-going, funny girl having it in her to kill her kid. Kids fall all the time, but I don’t know if she’ll be able to prove it was an accident. Technically, she doesn’t have to prove it was an accident. The state has to prove it was murder, but Rosa? A murderer? I just can’t see it!

Rosa French braids as nicely as Kim did. She braided mine and Tina’s hair.

It’s about 9:00 now and we have all filled out our commissary sheets. All Rosa and Tina are getting is the indigent package.

Rosa’s so funny and so much fun to chat with. Speaking Spanish is a game to me, in a sense. I’d actually rather be with her than alone. Not even Kim and Jessica had me laugh as much.

Last night, Palma came in to talk to Rosa in Spanish. She knows I know a lot of Spanish and have been helping Rosa. It was the most attention I’ve had from her since, even if some of it was negative.

Tina and I got on each other’s nerves last night, but today all 3 of us were laughing over it. Tina was trying to sleep and we were being too loud so she started bitching at us. Tina sleeps at night and Rosa and I sleep during the day.

When Palma came by I asked that she move Tina before there was a fight, and Tina was like, “I don’t want to fight!”

I didn’t either, even though she was being such a grump and I was getting fed up.

Anyway, Palma was like, “I’m not moving anybody. Learn to compromise, or you can get into it right now and I’ll get you with my spray. Then after I get you guys cleaned up and written up, then you can be separated.”

We quieted down real fast at that point since Palma wasn’t about to budge! That’s Palma for you. Nottelmann moves people and Palma threatens to mace them.

Even so, Tina and I were carrying on like kids, calling each other spoiled, bitchy and all kinds of things, then Palma starts mimicking us in a funny way in rapid Spanish.

Tina went to sleep and I came up with the idea of Rosa and I writing rather than talking. I read Spanish better than I hear it anyway. We did whisper some, though, like Palma said when she was lecturing us on compromising. She said to Tina, “These guys are night people. Rosa’s up stressing cuz she’s got a lot of shit to deal with and just came in, and cuz she has no one to speak for her” (meaning, she’s up when I’m up). Then she told us to talk quietly.

All of us ended up sleeping well enough and quite late, too. Rosa and I were up early for a couple of hours, though, when we had our time out.

Chambers was on, so I got to say hi to her. She’s way cool.

Tina was quieter today. Rosa and I were talking and laughing while Tina read her stupid romances. I guess Tina felt like she was around a couple of silly kids, but she didn’t mind. Her romances are even sillier, and I told her so.

I’ve been helping Rosa like Kim helped me when I first came here.

I’m glad Rosa’s aunt came to visit her.

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

It’s about midnight now, and I did get my commissary this week, but not without being ripped off first. The MFs did take the $20 or so worth of shit I ordered last week that I never got. How the fuck can they charge me for something I never signed for? Fucking incompetent fools! I’d like to stuff them in their little gray carts, lock them in good, then wheel them down the fucking hall and into the wall at a good 80 MPH! Anyway, I’m going to bitch about it (bitching is my specialty around here), but I know it won’t do me a damn bit of good.

I spoke to Tom, who said he still hasn’t heard from my PO (fuck her too!), and he says he’ll put $20 in for me before next Monday.

I’m in a foul mood right now. That’s why Tina’s up on her bunk afraid to utter a sound. She won’t even look at me. She did tell me earlier, though, I was a whiny, bratty bitch. And I’m damn proud of it too, and the best in my department!

Anyway, I knew Tom wouldn’t hear from the PO. He wonders if it’s just too soon for her to respond, but as I told him, it doesn’t take a psychic to know she doesn’t give a shit, and I’m beginning to have serious doubts about getting out early. Nonetheless, Tom’s sending a few letters out at a time.

I got a radio, which sounds pretty good for a cheap piece of shit. A 5-fucking-dollar radio they charge $27 for. Rosa listened with me, using one earbud while I used the other. She loves Spanish music.

I shared some food with Rosa and Tina because I felt bad for them not having anything.

Rosa and I have a lot of fun teasing Tina and Tina doesn’t mind. I’ll mime, for example, tearing off some tissue, blowing my nose, then shoving it in Tina’s mouth while she’s sleeping. Rosa does similar shit, too. One time I picked up my lipstick and made like I was going to play connect the dots where Tina stuck herself in the arm with a zillion needles, and nearly lost it when Rosa made like she wiped her crotch with some toilet paper before shoving it up Tina’s nose.

I taught Rosa many English words last night.

I’m going to see if Tom can check into her case and try to find out more about what’s going on. I’d love to know what the pigs have, if anything, that led them to believe this is murder and not neglect or an accident.

Fucking pigs! They need to change that motto “to protect and serve” they got on their cruisers to something a bit more truthful like “to harass and control.”

I also want to see if he can load me up a Spanish/English dictionary to go with my English one on the computer.

I saw Brea yesterday, who asked why I was here, and saw white Johnson through the window. I waved to her and she nodded and smiled in return. What a nice ass that woman has!

I found Becky downstairs yesterday and she told me she’s now PC. Good. That’s one more person I know I’ll get along with if we end up together. That’s also 5 people that I know of, waiting to go to M. I passed a kite to Becky’s old pal for her through the trustee. It took a while too, because the DO was hanging around.

This pod had been fairly quiet for a change till they brought Bucket back, the loud MF. Always the fucking blacks! For a while, I couldn’t figure out who I detested more, blacks or Mexicans. Now I know it’s definitely blacks! Anyway, Bucket, the one that bullied Tina out of M, and her wife, are getting DOC’d out of here any day now.

Tina’s also been stuck with Jessica, who’s gone home (that’s why I haven’t seen her). Tina, Bucket and Jessica were cellies, and Jessica ate Bucket out so she could use her radio. And Bucket wanted to kick Jessica’s ass for calling her a bitch. Yeah, that’s something Jessica would do and something a black bitch would get all hot and bothered about. These bitches are so fucking loud, aggressive and vicious! So rude, selfish and totally stuck on themselves!

Fucking mother-fucking black bitch! Bucket’s out on her hour yelling with some other blacks. Please, DOC, come get this bitch tonight!

Jessica’s back. She was only out 2 weeks and she went right back to the crack. What a stupid loser! She’s such a dumb, hopeless case that a part of me feels bad for her.

I’m going to give Nottelmann a tank requesting she try and keep Rosa and I together, even though I understand she can’t make any promises.

I’m pissed because some asshole stole the nail clippers (probably a trustee) and now I can’t cut my nails.

This cell is so ugly. There is easily a dozen tubes worth of toothpaste on these walls and the underside of the upper bunks.

Sent out a letter to Mom, Paula, and Tom, along with journals.

I love having a radio more than I thought I would in here. I can just check these loud, selfish black bitches out anytime I want to. I exercise to the music, too.

Rosa and Tina have been great as far as not begging goes. I appreciate it, too.

Commissary also ripped Rosa off. Indigent is supposed to give you 10 sheets of paper, not 8. I gave her a few sheets from my pad.

Tom visited today and I told him all about Rosa and Tina. I asked if he thought it’d be good to try sleeping together when I come home since I’ve amazingly learned to sleep through all this noise (although I still get woken up at times), and he said that’d be a good time to try. I slept through Deanna’s snoring, after all. That leaves only movement as a possible problem. Movement isn’t an issue in here, obviously, because I don’t share a bed with anyone.

Dennis returned the clothes I left in his trailer.

Tom’s going to call Helen about visiting, in case she never got my letter.

Wednesday, December 13, 2000

It’s around midnight and the black bitches are still screaming at each other. Why did God put these creatures on this earth? I fucking go through hell to get away from them, just to end up being stuck with them all over again. Why do I always get punished for rebelling against or trying to change what the Gods have ordered for me? Is it really that important to them that I be driven crazy by loud, obnoxious black assholes? What did I ever do to these people to deserve this? I just can’t get away from them!!!

I listened to some music both by myself and with Rosa.

It’s change of shift now. I hope Nottelmann and Palma are on tomorrow. They only work here twice a week lately.

This place was so fucking noisy until around 4 AM. DOC got Bucket, but we still have other loud-mouth blacks shooting off at the mouth non-stop.

Whoever’s next door was slamming the bunk against the door to get a blanket.

People! Fucking people! I hate them! And the more I try to run from them, the more they seem to be thrown in my face. Why can’t I just go home and live in peace? There’s a reason, Tina says.

Yeah, to torture the hell out of me! Everyone tells me there’s a reason for this shit, yet no one can give me a better one than the only one I can come up with.

Kara, one of the very few sane ones in this sad, disgusting place, came and saw me today. I updated her on what’s been going on and told her that I’m beginning to doubt anyone’s going to care enough to help get me out of here sooner. Like Kara said, all it takes is one person who cares.

But where are they? How do I get their attention? I just don’t see, the more I think about it, what the governor, and other people Tom wrote to, can do to help me. And why would they care? It’s not their problem. Nobody cares when they have nothing to gain by helping someone else.

Rosa just went out for a legal visit. The poor girl has got an infected tooth that’s all swollen.

Tina’s writing a letter. Although she’s been quieter, she still talks a lot. I try not to ask her too many questions because then she just gets into a huge discussion with herself about it. The amount of self-chatter in this place is astonishing. Religion and people talking to themselves. That seems to be the main theme of this place.

Just when they finally started making it comfortable here by giving us some heat, it’s cold again. It’s colder out, from what I hear on the radio, so that’s why. They don’t bother to adjust the heat with the weather.

Rosa and I were just listening to the radio, and Tina’s gone to bed. That is, till the psycho next door wakes her up slamming the bunk against the door. I’ll be waking her up on our hour out tomorrow to let her know just what I’ll do to her if I ever get my hands on her. When’s the system going to learn that jail’s not the place for crazies? They belong in psych wards. The whole pod was pissed at this sicko. Late last night she was banging for a blanket and today it was over her meds. Doesn’t she see that that’s not going to get her what she wants when she wants it? The DOs can’t even hear her when they’re in the tower.

I can’t live without this radio I never thought I’d end up getting. Because we’re right next to Crazy, as our loving God would have it, it doesn’t drown out her banging sprees, but when the bitch gets to screaming, it’s a great escape.

I’m so sick of people. People, people, people!!! I just want some space and privacy! I want peace and quiet and time alone! I’m so sick of being forced to be with people and in places I don’t want to be! Will I ever find freedom in this life? I want out and I want my old life back. The one I had till all this shit started. But that’ll never be no matter how long I live. Even if this were all over now, I’d just get hit with some other long-term bullshit.

There’s a reason for this, Rosa says.

If one more person says that to me, I’m going to break them in half!

They’re taking the sicko next door to medical in cuffs. I hope they drug the fucker into a coma! But sadly enough, I know she’ll be back and banging about something else later. I just wish I could have 5 minutes alone with the sack of shit!

My anger seems to be making Rosa very nervous (Tina won’t even look at me), so I think I’ll go try to smile for her sake, and bitch more later.

Thursday, December 14, 2000

Another day in Estrella Jail, and damn do I miss home! I’m sick and tired of being confined like this, never having any peace and quiet. No space, no privacy, and now I can’t even cut my fucking nails! I’m so sick of having to talk and answer questions during meals when all I want to do is sit and eat in peace. I’m tired of being asked questions while trying to escape with my radio.

The nights are a little better. Rosa and I tease Tina in her sleep. Last night I rubbed red lipstick into the crotch of Tina’s spare clean panties, making them look like period stains.

I see Becky from time to time, but now I’m not so sure if she’ll make a good celly because she seems to be a bit of a beggar. The first time she wanted me to pass a kite for her, then she wanted a book. I like her, but I wonder if she’d constantly bug me for my commissary if we celled together.

After what I’ve been through, I don’t trust anybody. I still fear I’m going to get stuck with a monster PO that’ll try to make my life hell, not that it already hasn’t been made to be that way. What’s scary is knowing that all she has to do is tell the pigs I violated my probation, even if I didn’t, and they’ll believe her, pick me up and throw me back in here, and of course, I may have to violate if she makes impossible demands of me. I know she’s going to try telling me to do shit she knows I can’t possibly do. I wouldn’t just violate and stick around, though, if I were truly forced to do so. I’d violate and run.

Now, what could Tom possibly know that I don’t? He wouldn’t discuss it, saying not all conversations are private. It’s a lot more private in the visiting area than on the phone, so it must be illegal. Unless, of course, he just said this to cheer me up because I was pretty tearful (I just can’t deal with this madhouse!). He better not be fucking lying to me! Anyway, I told him to briefly put it in a letter in the fingerspelling font, as long as it’s a solid, sure thing that can really help me, and not just some hunch, belief or feeling.

He said he didn’t have money for stamps, so the other letters won’t go out till tomorrow. He wanted me to have what money he did have for commissary, which was very thoughtful of him. I just hope he doesn’t delay these letters too much longer, as useless as I know they’ll be.

Mom’s doing OK and now Mary doesn’t know what the hell’s going on. A second biopsy said she didn’t have cancer, and I guess they just can’t get a big enough sample to test.

He said Mary heard about Rosa’s case on the news, but all he knows is that they said there were signs of child abuse. What about Rosa’s husband? Just how innocent is he? They say they’re not sure about him.

Although I can’t see Rosa beating a kid any more than I can see Tom beating one, there is one thing that bugs me. Rosa doesn’t seem very remorseful. She has cried a few times, but most of the time she’s all smiles and laughs. Is she in denial, or what? I asked her if she was sad and she said yes, but it would make her sick if she was always down and crying. I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things.

The Maury Povich Show was here filming today. I saw them on my way to my visit.

My teeth are slowly but surely shifting, and by the time I get out of here, they’ll be noticeably crooked. See? I really do get punished for trying to change things about my body and life. Straighten my teeth, and God makes sure I can’t retain them so they can be crooked again. Move out of the city and God sees to it that I’m forced right back into it.

It’s about 10:00 now, and tonight it’s the direct opposite of how it was last night. It’s dead quiet. No screaming, no banging. This is the ideal time for reading and writing. I use the radio more when it’s noisy and when I get really bored. It’s also good for escaping Tina’s chatter.

As much as I dread ending up back in a 4-man cell (and I know I will), I want to hurry up and get over there so I can cut my nails. I should be there before New Year’s. I just wish Rosa could be with me no matter who else I’m forced to cell with! But that’s just not possible, even if she remains in Ad-Seg.

I’ve been slacking off on my descriptions. So, Palma, who’s working tonight, would probably be described as plain or mean-looking by some people. She doesn’t have a great body and she needs a nose job, but she’s still good-looking as far as I’m concerned. She’s about 5’ 4”, slightly plump, with black curly hair and dark eyes. She almost looks like she could be part black because her hair’s kind of kinky.

Friday, December 15, 2000

After being woken up for breakfast, then our hour out at 9:00, I was sleeping well till the fucking loud-mouthed black bitch woke me up – fucking MFing bitch! I’m still in the city, still being woken up by these subhuman pieces of shit! Even Rosa hates them because of how loud, obnoxious, rude, selfish, vicious, vindictive and spiteful they are, and this is before I even told her that they’re the reason I’m in this hell hole. So, I didn’t influence her opinion, is what I’m saying.

Rosa was arraigned today. She’s been asleep, so I’ll find out more later.

We spoke in Spanish a lot last night after Tina crashed while it was unusually quiet. We talked mostly about our homes, food and animals. She misses her home in Mexico and regrets coming to the US. I regret moving too, as much as I love our new home/land. I knew God would get me for escaping the city (or trying to). I just didn’t know the punishment would be this severe!

Second shift is on now. It looks like Palma’s not on, but Nottelmann is. Good. I need to pass that kite, as they call notes in this place, about trying to keep Rosa and I together.

Thank God Tina reads a lot so I don’t have to listen to her babbling, although I appreciate her getting me up for gown exchange this morning. Since I can’t exchange thermals here, I have to wash it in the shower.

I helped myself to one of Tina’s toothbrushes. I figured, oh well. She’s going to be getting indigent for quite a while; 1 toothbrush a week is more than she needs. She uses my shampoo and shit like that, so it’s not like we haven’t been sharing. Sharing is what this place is all about. I’ve given Rosa shampoo and lotion, too.

This week I’m getting Tina 2 candy bars for 6 envelopes.

Tina’s not too hard to live with. She’s better than crazy Melinda and loud-mouth Lora, but I also wouldn’t miss her if we were no longer cellies.

It’s late evening and Tina and I actually had fun talking with each other, swapping stories about our lives, both good and bad. She kept wanting to chat, saying I was no fun after getting my radio, so I said – what the hell? It wouldn’t hurt to entertain her for a while. It actually felt good to bitch about life, even if that’s all I ever do lately. Tina had her share of sob stories to tell, too. Like the time she hitchhiked and was raped in a field by two guys 20 years ago.

I didn’t know this till today, but she told me she felt neglected (I guess you could say a little jealous, too) when Rosa first joined us and we hit it off and were always having fun gabbing in Spanish. It’s a good feeling to know that if it weren’t for me, Rosa would have a much harder time here, just like I would’ve if it hadn’t been for Kim.

Tina told me a good joke: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? Because he only cums once a year, and that’s down the chimney.

Dinner was one of the most filling dinners I’ve had here. It was chicken, cabbage, lettuce, potato salad, bread and ice cream.

I worry that they may try to force me to pay more than just the standard $40-a-month probation fee. According to Tina, they really rip you off blind, and make you pay restitution fees, too. How much more must I pay for sending a lousy set of journal excerpts?! Why don’t they just execute me for it? When is the so-called punishment ever going to be enough and end? I can’t begin to put in words how humiliating it’s been having my life turned upside down and inside out by my own tormentors. They always win and I always lose. There’s no beating them or the system or getting them out of my life!

The sick fuck next door hasn’t gone bunk-banging in nearly 24 hours, but every half hour to an hour it makes a few bangs just to remind us all it still exists. It’s one thing being out in the real world with so many attention-needy people, and another being in jail with them!

I wish the little nutjob would get a celly or two. That way that bunk bed would be weighted down with someone, and I’d think any cellies she may have wouldn’t put up with her regularly timed bumps and bangs. If she’s not closed custody, then I’d bet she’s Ad-Seg. All the crazies get Ad-Segged.

Saturday, December 16, 2000

When I see Tom Tuesday, I’ll have to remind him to call and cancel my dentist appointment that was to be on the 21st (the fucking freeloaders even control my teeth!), not that they won’t be expecting the call. Somebody there has to have heard about this shit.

Tina suggested I have Tom check into something called rule 32 time cut, but I’m sure it’ll be just another dead end.

Another thing is, she says the probation department’s main concern is the fees, and that the sooner you pay your fees, the sooner they’ll let you go. That, I find hard to believe, but it’s another thing I’ll mention to Tom.

It’s almost 9:00 and Tina’s getting ready to go to bed. Rosa and I will be up late.

We were looking through magazines and I found a cute picture of a squirrel. Well, Rosa found it for me. I’ll send it home to scan into the computer when I get home.

The first half of the day, which had to be while I was trying to sleep, was noisy. The black bitches were screaming their asses off. You got these bitches standing 5 feet apart, yet they still yell at the top of their lungs as if they were yards and yards apart or deafer than a doorknob. Crazy next door went Bunk-banging a few times, too.

I’m sick of having our hour out so damn early. Most of the time we have it between 7 – 9 AM. Can’t we have it in the afternoons or evenings for a change? We rarely ever do.

I’m still learning more Spanish words. My vocabulary is good, but my grammar needs work. I understand Rosa for the most part, but sometimes I have to have her speak slower, or write. Sometimes I can’t figure out what a certain word means, since I know most, but not all Spanish words, and it’s pretty challenging because I can’t ask her in English what a word means.

The Spanish alphabet isn’t pronounced like it is in English, so when I spell English words to Rosa, I have to say the letters so she can understand them.

Palma’s on tonight and her hair looks great. She has it in two French braids with her bangs pulled down in front. I like her better with bangs, rather than with her hair swept back off her forehead. She’s quite a looker! Rosa and Tina tease me about liking her (in a good-natured way, of course). Tina’s bi and Rosa’s straight.

I told Nottelmann the Santa joke Tina told me. Trying hard to suppress a laugh, she softly mumbled, “That’s wrong,” and walked off, making sure to keep a professional air about her. Hopefully, she repeated the joke to Palma. She probably did.

Tina says she’ll send a letter to our PO Box whenever she gets to the tents (she thinks she’ll end up there) to let me know if Rule’s still there. She may get there before I leave, so Tom will have to read the letter to me over the phone since inmates can’t write to each other. From what I gather, Rule’s been there since at least ‘96. I think she’ll be there between now and April so I can send her a thank you note when I get out.

I was absolutely dumbfounded to learn that commissary credited back the money for the order I never got on my birthday! I really didn’t think they’d own up to their mistake no matter how obvious it was.

With the exception of Tina, who wanted to hear my whole life story, I decided that when people ask, I’m just going to say I’m an only child whose parents were killed in a car crash. I’m sick of hearing how “fucked up” it is that I don’t talk to my folks when in truth it’d be fucked up if I did. Why would I want to associate with such mean, vindictive control freaks who’ve done nothing but lie to me and let me down, just because they created me? I don’t owe these people here, or anyone else for that matter, any explanations as to why I don’t talk to them. A lot of people just don’t get it. If they’ve got good, loving parents, they can’t understand. Madeline, who felt the need to lie to her mother and tell her she wanted an abortion when she really didn’t – now that’s fucked up. If you can’t be yourself and be honest with someone – that’s fucked up.

All’s quiet at the moment, but sometimes, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was in a psych hospital and not a jail.

Sunday, December 17, 2000

Another day of Rosa not shedding one tear for her dead baby. I love Rosa; she’s been a great friend, making me smile and laugh throughout the night, but there are a couple of things that say she could be guilty. One is her lack of sadness, and two is that she thinks she’s pregnant. If she is guilty of more than neglect, then she probably is pregnant because that’s totally something God would do – watch a woman kill her child, then reward her with another one. God dumps kids on murderers all the time. So knowing they have kids like rabbits, and seeing her only cry a few times, leads me to believe there’s a possibility she could be guilty, though I still doubt it. The times she’s cried were over visits when most of us cry anyway, including myself, because we miss our loved ones and our homes. Who knows, though? Maybe it was neglect or maybe the husband’s the guilty one. Or maybe it’s just a case of denial or maybe she feels crying will only make it worse and harder to deal with.

Fucking Misery’s on today. Everyone hates Misery. She’s as by-the-book as Palma and worse. They call her Misery because she not only brings misery to those she encounters but also because of her resemblance to this character in the Stephen King movie Misery.

First I was woken up for breakfast, then our hour out which none of us wanted because it was barely 7 AM, then again when Misery came in to check the light and window. Then she tells us to take our pictures off the walls. I took my pictures down, but I intend to put them back up later.

At 35 years of age, I’m sick and fucking tired of being told what to do! My life is nothing but what everyone else but myself says I have to do or have to go or have to be. I even have to wear the clothes they say I have to wear, and I’m just so fucking fed up with being treated like a child! My life is never going to belong to me.

Fucking freeloaders, Paul, judge and pigs!!!

Palma’s on again tonight. That’s 3 nights this week!

It’s around 8:00 now and Tina’s gone to bed.

Palma was in a good mood, singing Christmas songs. In Spanish, I told her to sing Felíz Navidad, but she misunderstood me and thought I was wishing her a merry Christmas. “Gracías,” she said.

So on her next walk, I asked in English if she knew the song and would sing it, but she said (with a friendly smile) she didn’t know it. It was nice to see this serious gruff loosen up for a change. She opened the door, rather than the trap, when the trustee was serving dinner so I could get a better look at her.

Tina says Palma’s all masculine, but I disagree. Yes, she’s somewhat masculine, but to me, she’s feminine, too. Her hair’s feminine and she has gorgeous eyes. Nice smile, too. Only her nose isn’t very nice and she doesn’t have a great body either, although it’s really hard to see through her uniform. I don’t care so much about bodies as I do faces. I’m a face person because that’s what you see most of the time. I also don’t like ultra-feminine as much as I used to. I guess we lipstick lesbians, such as I’d be considered to be, really do prefer the bigger, stronger more masculine types that they can feel protected by.

Last night Rosa and I were playing this game where we’d put names to various globs of toothpaste under the upper bunks, depending on their shape.

If her commissary order goes through without any problems, she’ll have a radio tomorrow night. I hope she won’t always be singing to it when she gets hyped up (it’s bad enough dealing with her BO and bad breath)! Unlike most people, though, she’s usually pretty respectful when I’m trying to read or write.

I made a $23 order. I better get it, too!

In the afternoons, I can usually tell what time it is by where the slat of sunlight is on the wall. Someone apparently wrote the times in the different places the light hits, but of course, the angle will change with the seasons.

Just had my typical mid-cycle bleeding which goes on for a few hours. I’ll get another gush in about a week, the week before my period. My tits still get sore before periods, even without caffeine.

The black bitches were at each other’s throats again earlier. Screaming and threatening one another from their cells.

I went right along with the bitches, though, in yelling at Crazy next door when she was out on her hour. We brought her to tears, but I have no pity for her what with the way she behaves. Maybe she’ll learn something from this. In fact, she hasn’t gone bunk-banging at all today. It’s lessened since she got her meds, but as soon as she can’t get her way, the banging starts.

I flipped Misery off when she was in the tower. I’m pretty sure she saw me, but I don’t care either way. I’m sick of being told what to do. She never wrote me up, though. I guess sometimes they find it easier to ignore you and pretend they didn’t see or hear you do something you’re not supposed to do. It saves them a lot of paperwork.

Rosa and I both cried earlier. I hadn’t cried much since I last saw Tom, and I was laying on my bed crying for a while before Rosa realized I was crying, and hugged me, then began crying too, telling me to try not to be so sad so it doesn’t make me sick.

I’m just sooo homesick for Tom, the animals, the house, etc. Those freeloaders really stole my life, and my body, too. Because of them, I can’t cut my nails, take a shower when I want, etc. They own my whole life and my body, too. They robbed me of my husband, pets and home, and stole any control I may have had over my own body, too. This is one of those things we assume only happens to others. Only other people get framed, but never us!

I FUCKING HATE these sickos!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 18, 2000

Commissary came without any problems and Rosa got a lot of stuff too, including a radio. Since Christmas and New Year’s Day just have to fall on Mondays, commissary will be the following Wednesdays instead.

I made Palma a Christmas card. I drew a candy cane on the front and wrote: Merry Christmas. Inside on the left, I wrote: Hey Palma, you’re a good singer and a cool DO! On the right, in Spanish, I wrote: Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Then I signed my name and wrote: Yes, I promise to behave.

As funny as it may sound, it’d really piss me off if I had gotten a 2 for 1. It’d be so frustrating knowing I could cut my time in half if only I could sleep and keep a schedule in the tents!

Unbeknownst to Tina, Rosa swiped a razor. We use it for our underarms only. I’m going to wait till I get out of here before I bother shaving my legs. I’d rather do that at home in a nice hot shower. Besides, no one sees my legs here, anyway.

Rosa showed me a couple of things. I was telling her I had no easy way of exercising my biceps in this place, and she showed me how she pushes with one arm against the other as you curl it upward. That gives you a little resistance.

She also showed me some nice designs for Palma’s card, since I didn’t really want to get into drawing. Not with these pencils and having no color. I did use Tina’s brown eyeliner pencil on parts of it, though. Tina never uses it. I guess some girl left it here. Also, the card is very small. I used the bottom half of the plain white paper my deposit info was on to make it.

I jogged in place with my radio clipped to me to half a dozen songs or so to burn all these extra calories. I’m beginning to doubt I’ll lose any more weight. Not with this weekly commissary.

When I looked at my calendar and saw how many days were crossed off, as opposed to those that weren’t, I burst out crying. It was so depressing. I’ve done barely a quarter of my time and I know I’m not getting out sooner. It’s just a feeling I have. No one gives a shit that I was fucked over by fucked up people within a fucked up system.

Tuesday, December 19, 2000

Saw Tom today. True to my vibes, he still hasn’t heard anything from the PO or bar association. He still believes I’ll get an early kick-out, but I’m rapidly losing hope. “Is that pessimism or vibes?” he asked me.

“Logic,” I told him.

He says Mary says she sent me a letter. Hope I get it today.

He also said Houdini scared him by standing up, along with the hairs on his neck, as if to attack him when he was trying to get him to go home one night. He said he really thought he was going to get him good and he had to get the tube, put cheese in it, and bring him home in that.

He said all he’s heard around the house is one engine-gunning spree, but no music. That’s because I’m not there. Either way, that place could never get a fraction of the noise that’s in this place.

As much as I want out of here, if there’s anything better about this place than Valleyhead and Brattleboro, it’s that they don’t run you ragged from 7 AM to 10 PM and you can be up and about all night listening to music, writing, or reading. They also let you have a few visits a week here and order all the junk food you could possibly want. Also, I know when I’m getting out of here, but I never knew when I’d get out of the other places till shortly before I did.

So far, Officer Palma is the best-looking DO, Pérez is the friendliest, and Rule was the most helpful.

Believe it or not, I started to fall asleep after dinner and then jogged in place to 5 songs, but people yelling and Rosa’s crying woke me up. Rosa and I both had our homesick spells.

It’s amazing how I can sleep here. For the most part, anyway, and keep a schedule, even if it’s one I’m not used to.

Tina told me about an inmate who had her computer genius boyfriend change her release date. Wish Tom could do that for me! She got caught, though, and got 3 years for it. It’s impossible to destroy or alter all the records, anyway, because they keep stuff on paper too, and not just electronically.

Loca next door has switched from bunk-banging to begging. I’d rather her beg for food she’s not going to get, than bash the doors and walls on and off like she does.

Tina was a major sucker on our hour out, letting herself be used by all the beggars. I’d never be anyone’s slave like that! I’d tell them to take care of their own shit on their own timeout. I can see a favor here and a favor there, but there were 3 or 4 of them demanding half a dozen things.

Wednesday, December 20, 2000

Right on again with the vibes – Rosa is pregnant. And she won’t do the right thing either and abort it, or at least give it up for adoption. She’s being selfish and cruel to that kid if you ask me, but I still love my buddy and I know it has to be her decision. But if she has that kid, that’s going to be one more person for her to have to miss and worry about, and imagine how that poor kid’s going to feel with its mother in jail or maybe even in prison for years and years!

Maybe Tina’s right when she guessed that maybe it was an accident due to neglect, so God’s blessed her with this kid, and she’s going to get out of here soon enough but I doubt it. Things don’t usually work out that well, and God’s not a very sympathetic God.

The craziest black bitch I ever met lives just a few doors down. It goes back and forth between screaming about the devil and singing in a voice that sounds more like it’s whining or even yelling at times.

The older lady next to us, who’s also Ad-Seg, seems to be as hyper as Melinda which would make me seem like I’m in a coma, but Tina said she seemed normal when they spoke. Yeah well, I don’t know if I’d trust Tina’s definition of the word normal.

I’m glad Rosa lent Tina her radio when she went on her legal visit. That way I can write without Tina’s non-stop mouth going.

I asked Tom yesterday, and he says I have no fines or restitution to pay. But how can he know for sure everything will be OK when I get out before talking to the PO? He said he’ll explain it to me when I get out. I can’t wait to hear this one!

I couldn’t even take a shower today because the water was so cold. I grieved the cold water and air temperature. I miss the boiling 110-degree days I used to bitch about. I’m sick of the never-ending cold in this fucking place. Jails are miserably freezing!

I hope Palma’s on tonight, but if not, she should be on tomorrow.

I heard the crazy black bitch shout really loud to someone about singing for hours because all the white inmates call her names or some shit like that. Then on her hour out, while I was listening to music, Tina said she was reciting my name and birth date from my ID card that’s in the door before running off to yell at other people. What? Is she going around getting the names of everyone who’s white? Why isn’t this loony tune in a funny farm?!

Tina made air freshener, or tried to, by mixing shampoo, water and bits of deodorant in an empty spray pump bottle.

Got a Chanukah card from Mom, Mary and Dave. It was nice and I wrote them back. I even sent Bob a letter just for the hell of it. I’m curious to see if I get a response. I wonder if he’s still alive. I think he’s due to get out in ‘06. He ain’t getting our PO Box address, though.

I’m still not sure what to make of Rosa, whose lawyer says she may have many years to do. I may not want my own kid like I did years ago, but the thought of a possible baby killer makes my blood boil. How can God allow it?! So many people are quick to be against abortion, yet they don’t realize just how much better off a lot of these kids would be if they didn’t exist. I wish I had been aborted, even though my parents had money and were never in jail.

It’s still hard for me to picture Rosa deliberately killing a kid. One thing’s for sure, though – it’s no myth when they say Hispanics are filthy and lazy. We have to coax her into doing her share of the sweeping and mopping, and she stinks because she goes days without showering. They really are filthy. They don’t like clean. Not clean things, not clean bodies, not clean anything.

Thursday, December 21, 2000

It’s still freezing in here and I know that means the water will be, too. Although, last night they had the water off for a while, claiming they were working on pipes, but I don’t know if it was to fix the hot water. I never heard anyone working on anything, so it could’ve been because I grieved, but I don’t know. We’ll find out when we have our hour out.

Today the reality and finality of the fact that I won’t be getting out of here sooner really hit and sunk in. We did all we could do. Tom says it’s not right, not fair, but that’s why I’m here. Because life isn’t fair. If it were fair, the freeloaders would be the ones suffering and I’d be living my life. Something up there obviously wants me here and feels I deserve this shit.

Anyway, bad things have a way of happening to some of us who try to change the way things are, so I asked Tom to drop it. He tried to help me, I appreciate it, and now it’s time to accept reality, like it or not.

Nobody cares. Nobody. No one’s responded to any of his phone calls/letters. I knew they wouldn’t, too. And getting a PO in the area we live in won’t change a damn thing, either. Tom says getting a PO out of Maricopa will help because they’ll know and understand how remote we are. But they won’t care. They’ll still order us to move. Again, something wants me in the city! I’m just not going to be allowed to be a country girl. I asked Tom if he had any plans to get the house up for sale and he said now’s a horrible time for that what with the economy being so bad and the new president (George W. Bush). Well, what are we going to do if we’re forced to make a move we can’t even make?

A107

After dinner, Nottelmann moved the 3 of us downstairs on the very end under the stairs because of Rosa’s pregnancy. I like this cell better because it’s more private from the tower, and I’m thrilled to get away from that fucking crazy bunk-basher!

Loca’s not Ad-Seg because she went to court with other people.

I got so pissed at Loca last night for banging like she does as soon as she can’t get her way, and I got pissed at Tina too, and nearly beat the snot out of her. Thank God I didn’t, though, because I’d be riddled with guilt. As she said, she’s never hit me, no matter what I said to her, so I have no business hitting her, as long as she isn’t trying to harm me.

Anyway, she got on my ass for threatening Loca, as much as she drives her crazy too, and for calling the crazy bitch names as much as she hates blacks, too. The reason it set me off was that to me, it was one more person lecturing me and telling me what to do and how to be. After she got me calmed down, I realized she was only trying to help, explaining that name-calling is childish, and threats don’t help, either.

Tina suggested I try to get psych to close custody me and maybe mention it to Kara, but I just don’t see why they’d give a damn. All they’d do, I’d think, was offer me drugs. I just might take them in here, too!

Nottelmann said she thinks Alex is leaving on Christmas. That’d be great if Rosa and I could be in a 2-man cell till I leave! But I highly doubt that.

The pencil sharpener broke after getting 3 pencils sharpened, but at least I got some sharpened.

The shower was hot for me, but cold by the time Tina got in it. Then it warmed up again for the next girl out. As usual, Rosa didn’t shower.

Next is my fight for nail clippers. Although if I’m over in M soon, where there are no trustees to steal them, I may not have much of a fight.

Just to see what kind of a response I’d get, I put in a tank order about my retainers to the captain, like that night shift guy with retainers suggested. I’m sure, though, they’ll tell me I can’t have them.

God, I feel like a child with a million parents telling me what to do!

It’s about 9:15 now, from what I heard, and it’s freezing!

The crazy black bitch went off on a white girl who was out on her hour. This is one crazy mother-fucker!

Rosa and Tina are asleep. Tina normally crashes early, and Rosa’s tired because she had a long day in court. Good. Now I have the whole night to myself, in a sense. I’m going to read, exercise, listen to the radio and write, although I really don’t have much to write about.

Tom couldn’t look up info on Rosa yet, because he forgot her last name. Hopefully, he can tell me more next Tuesday.

He asked me if I thought I’d want him to open my Christmas gifts for me or wait till I come home and let me do it. I let him know he can tell me what I got. I’ll want to know about it if I got a doll. I’d want a picture of it, too.

Harry bit Tom badly. What is it with him clashing with rodents? He said he reached in to put food by Houdini, and Harry ran across the cage, grabbed his finger with his paws, and bit him! I had to laugh at him about it, of course.

“How cute,” Palma said when I gave her the Christmas card through the trap, then she asked why they moved us downstairs. I told her, and she thanked me for the card.

I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction! I was worried I’d offend her or that it wouldn’t be allowed, but what could she do anyway? Throw me in jail? I thought there was a slight chance, though, that she’d tell me it was inappropriate, she couldn’t accept it, never do that again, and so on and so forth. I’ll bet I’m the only one who made her a card, too. Most people hate Palma. She’s a real stricty.

Tina kind of likes me, but she’s harmless. No, she’s not my type. She may be over 30, but I don’t do druggies, and I don’t normally like blondes and light eyes, either. When Kim first told me that 90% of these inmates are gay or bi, I thought she was exaggerating, but there does seem to be an awful lot of them.

Friday, December 22, 2000

It’s about midnight now. I just took a dump (perfect time to do it too, if you want a little privacy – when your cellies are sleeping). I just hope Rosa’s sleeping at night won’t mean she’ll be up during the day tomorrow. I doubt it, though. She needs to catch up on her sleep. At least I know that if she, Tina, or both were up when I was asleep, they’d be more considerate than Lora and Madeline. Speaking of Madeline, I’ll have to thank her for my birthday card when I see her and let her know I miss our nightly squabbles, although I don’t miss celling with her.

Nottelmann’s a cool DO, but it’ll be interesting to see just how cool she is. Will she really put me in a small cell? And with Rosa? The DOs may feel I’d be doing them a favor by putting us together, so I could interpret when DOs were on that didn’t speak Spanish. I know the trustee, who asked for Rosa’s size for her court clothes, and the DO (whoever she was) that were on late last night, were very grateful I could help with the Spanish.

I wonder why M’s Ad-Seg and juvi pods are so small compared to A’s? A has 15 per pod and M has 5 per pod.

I was thinking about what Tom said about the economy being bad. Well, what if we’re forced to sell a house we can’t possibly sell? And certainly not fast enough to meet their ludicrous demands! Am I going to be forced back into an apartment in the city? We couldn’t afford rent on top of the mortgage, but nobody cares and this city wants me back!!!

Got up sort of late today. That’s because I couldn’t fall back asleep after breakfast, and when I would start to, something would wake me up. I decided to get daily vitamin packs from commissary in case the month after month of sleeping only a few hours here and a few hours there catches up to me and gets me sick.

I put in a medical tank for refills on both my inhaler and allergy spray, but I don’t know if I’ll get lucky enough to get them again in just a few days. I heard one girl say it took her 4 weeks just to get a refill on an inhaler.

I also grieved the cold water and freezing air again. This may be jail, but we’re not animals and we shouldn’t have to live like them! Why do we have to fight for things we should have anyway? I’m sick of this hell hole! And sick of being forced to interact with these people day in and day out, too!

I have a strong feeling I’m going to M Dorm within the next few days (and I’ll lose my commissary again, too), but not with Rosa. I think if I really do go to a small cell, it’ll be with Tina. Better than Melinda, but not as good as Rosa. Nottelmann mentioned me possibly going to Alex’s cell, but that’s upstairs, so Rosa couldn’t go there too, being pregnant. Why Madeline was ever upstairs, beats me. Maybe they moved her by now.

Speaking of crazy Melinda, she’s here now. I saw her on the phone earlier. Tina said she’s seen her 4-pointed, naked to a bed here. She must’ve gone on another suicidal rampage or was run out of her cell. It’d be funny if she were in with the bunk-banger.

That was a shitty dinner. Two boring hot dogs, potato salad, zucchini and bread.

Ruby, this woman who’d been in M in the big cell with Kim and Lisa for a long time, is here now, too. She got fed up with Kim and Lisa and was sick of listening to the AB talk. Especially since her grandkids are part Mexican. Lisa’s leaving Monday and I guess Kim’s leaving on the 1st. I have a strong feeling I’ll be moved over to M Dorm by New Year’s, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure – I’m not going in a big cell. I’d rather stay here if that were my only choice. Tina doesn’t think we’ll cell together in M. I have mixed emotions about that one. She’s quiet and sane compared to some of the others, but she can be a moody bitch. Earlier, she was getting on me for bitching about the things that bother me in jail, yet why do others always have to accommodate her? She wants others to be like her, and as I told her, she’s going to have to meet me halfway if she’s going to cell with me. She’s also turning into a beggar. I want to strangle her at times!

There’s another crazy one next to us, Danielle, who’s dying of AIDS. She was a hooker who killed one of her johns with her AIDS. She never told the guy what she had. To me, even though what she did was wrong, the guy kind of asked for it, being dumb enough to screw a hooker without protection. She’s been calm since we’ve been next to her, but she’s taken many screaming and banging fits herself.

Saturday, December 23, 2000

Rosa, Tina and I had a nice talk earlier and I did a lot of interpreting. Gosh, I know a lot of Spanish! All the talking made my lungs tight, though, and Rosa whacked my back. Yeah, I would really rather stay here with these two, than be with someone I may not like in M. We talked mostly about Rosa’s case. At this point, I really believe it was an accident, and kids do fall all the time.

The crazy black bitch was out bitching about all those white inmates that call her names. You’re going to have a hard life as a black chick in this world if you gotta pitch a fit every time you get called a name. That’s part of being a black bitch, bitch, so get used to it or stop treating people like shit!

I asked a trustee who I know lives in the tents if Rule’s still there. Once in a while, she said. She usually works in the men’s tents. Yuck!

I said Pérez was the friendliest DO, but Chambers is just as friendly. It’s too bad she’s not on more often.

Sunday, December 24, 2000

A105

It’s about midnight now, and I’m now 2 doors down from Rosa and Tina with Ruby S. Tina knows her from prison. Ruby’s tolerable. She talks a lot like most inmates do, but she also reads a lot, too. Even so, I miss Rosa and even Tina the bitch!

Ruby is of average height and weight with brown hair and hazel eyes.

I got the shit scared out of me at first. I had gotten really depressed and had Tina ask Palma to pull me to chat with me, which would’ve helped cheer me up. I wasn’t comfortable with asking her myself. So Palma said she would when she got the chance, but she was so busy.

A little later she glanced in at me, then the next thing I know, she’s telling Tina and I to roll up over the intercom! I’m like, now? I knew one of us would get Melinda’s bed, and the other would be in the lower 4-man cell (probably me with my shit luck).

Then Palma said, “No, not you W. S, roll up.”

I refused to go over there, so two other girls got shipped over there instead.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Tina and I calmed a teary Rosa, who was all upset over nearly losing me. But then on our hour out, Palma told me I was going to 105. Why she picked me out of the 3 of us beats me, but I guess I’m here because Ruby’s an epileptic who needs to have someone with her, not that it should be my responsibility. Ruby’s going to general pop on Wednesday or Thursday, so Rosa, Tina and I are going to fight to get me back in with them then.

When I thanked Palma for not moving me to M, she said she’d never move me there.

What did she mean by that?

This cell is not as private because it’s right in front of the tower, but I can still pee without anyone in the tower seeing me. Ruby doesn’t have her vents blocked, yet oddly enough, it’s warmer in here.

Right after 5 of us grieved the cold showers, it was warm, but I know it won’t last.

Palma was in a wicked bad mood. I told her that Nancy D, this girl who has the hots for me, was willing to cell with Ruby, and explained why me and Rosa didn’t want to be separated, but she was like - nope. I already made up my mind, G needs to learn English, etc. I had no way of knowing at the time why Palma really moved me. At least, why I think she moved me, anyway. I’m pretty sure, looking back on it now, that she realized she was beginning to like me and was jealous of me being friends with Rosa.

Although Rosa and I are closer and have more in common, Tina and I have come to care for each other, even though we argue like Madeline and I used to. Ruby says Madeline’s gone to GP.

Kim turned out to be pretty two-faced, telling Ruby I was a whiny bitch, not that that wasn’t true at times, but what? Was Miss Tough Stuff too afraid to tell me this to my face? She’d always brag about how tough she was. Well obviously she wasn’t, or else she’d have had the balls to tell me this to my face.

Anyway, Palma and I never really talked because so much was going on. And maybe she just didn’t care, either. When she was doing a walk I said, “You really hate me, huh?” and she said she didn’t hate anybody. I told her I didn’t mean to give her a hard time, although as I explained to her, playing musical cells and bunkies really affects my nerves, and she said I wasn’t giving her a hard time. I commented about her being in as bad a mood as I was in (she was swearing, as usual), but she said it was just a busy night.

At one point, I really got PO’d when she was ordering us to lock down, and in a loud, snotty voice I yelled, “You know, it would really help if you’d open the fucking door!” (Ruby’s door was locked)

Then she said, “Not you. Them” (Rosa and Tina).

Then she had the DO in the tower pop 105 for me. I’m surprised she didn’t go off on me for yelling at her.

I asked if she got other Christmas cards from other inmates and she said she got quite a few. I was both shocked and a bit disappointed to hear this. I had hoped to surprise her by being the only one. I told Ruby I was surprised she’d get so many cards due to how many people think she’s a bitch. This is when Ruby explained to me that some people like that and that the meaner a DO is, the cooler they think they are. Well, Palma may look really good, but she sure can be a bitch!

It’s about 1 PM now, and yes, Ruby’s a good celly. That’s because she sleeps so much. She’s been sleeping for over 12 hours now. She may be up later to drive me crazy with non-stop chatter. Still, I want back in with Rosa and Tina!

Crazy Melinda’s out on her hour, doing what she did yesterday – begging, singing, and being totally weird and obnoxious.

I was surprised that Helen’s card took only a day to get to me. I’d think it’d be delayed because of the holidays, but since it wasn’t, I won’t wait till after the 1st like I was going to before I mail journal pages. It’s all local, anyway.

Helen sent a Christmas card saying she hasn’t forgotten me, she’s just been busy. That was really nice of her.

I wonder if Palma moved me here because she was worried I’d hurt myself or something because I was awfully teary-eyed yesterday and this cell’s right in front of the tower.

I just saw and waved to Rosa who’s outside the pod waiting for an escort to take her to visitation. Crazy Melinda started talking to her through the window and I signaled Rosa to let her know she was crazy. Melinda saw me motioning, came up to the door, asked if she could get me anything, then said, “Oh, it’s you,” then turned and walked away.

Whatever.

Last night when we were out on our hour before I moved in with Ruby, I called and bitched to Tom. I was so overwhelmed, I told him. The water’s cold, the air’s cold, I want my retainers, and I want everyone to stop ignoring our calls/letters. He still thinks I’ll be released early, but I don’t see it.

Now I’ve got Ruby telling me there’s a reason for all this shit, and that if I find out what it is - and I may never find out - it might not be till the end of my sentence.

I know why I’m here, goddamnit!

Even Tina talked to him, letting him know about rule 32.

Rosa was crying too, and Tom said to be strong for Rosa, who wrote me a little note of inspiration right before I moved.

I am now able to understand Rosa more and more when she talks at her normal speed. I’m finding the need less and less to tell her to slow down.

In my last envelope to Tom, I enclosed a hot dog coupon for him.

As much as I would never want to be pals on the outs with these inmates (except for Rosa), it’s really cool how you can tell them anything and they won’t freak out. Everyone I’ve ever celled with knows I like Palma, and it’s no problem. They’re either gay or bi themselves or have been around so many of them that it doesn’t faze them.

Monday, December 25, 2000

So now it’s Christmas. Another thing the freeloaders have stolen from me, even if all we would’ve done was stay home. Still, I should be home with my husband! Not here on account of this shit!

What goes around comes around. Wouldn’t that rule apply to non-whites as well as whites? I hope so!

Although Ruby’s quite immature for a 40-year-old and can bore me to death with stories of her drug days, she is quiet most of the time. She sleeps and reads a lot.

She was kind enough to loan me her sharp pencil since mine are all blunt. I’m buying her three 55¢ packs of cookies and a 25¢ chic-o-stick in exchange for 8 envelopes. That’s an awesome trade.

I was beginning to think Ruby would never go to bed so I could shit in private! She read two whole books today. I wish I could concentrate on reading hour after hour like she does. Because we slept late, we were up late. I probably won’t crash till after breakfast. I also took a nap yesterday afternoon, too.

Tina passed me a kite earlier through the girl on her hour out, telling me they’re thinking of me, be strong, don’t cry, and Merry Christmas to both Ruby and I.

I’m sure it’s just eye strain due to stress and poor lighting, but I’ve been having a little trouble seeing. So I put in a request to get my eyes checked. It only costs a few bucks, so what the hell? Ruby said I ought to get the kind of contacts where I could have a different eye color every day. Now that sounds awesome. But my eyes aren’t that bad, they’re probably expensive, and I couldn’t imagine having the guts to stick my eyes with contacts.

We’re about an hour away from 2nd shift. I hope Palma’s on.

We didn’t get anything special for breakfast or lunch. I hope they feed us well at dinner. I hope it’s chicken with some kind of dessert. We haven’t had desserts in a while. If it’s chicken, Ruby said I could have hers because she hates chicken.

Ruby’s been asleep for about 12 hours now. Most of the time I feel like I’m alone. Of course she’s a good celly – it’s only temporary. She stinks and has bad breath, though. In fact, I turned myself around on my bed. Before, our heads were barely more than a foot apart.

Although it’s nothing serious, Ruby does talk to herself a little bit. I noticed that it’s the older ones who’ve done more time that tend to talk to themselves more.

They finally got nail clippers, although they’re pretty blunt.

According to Tina, her shower water was hot. That’s nice. I spoke to both her and Rosa on my hour out. I also called Tom who said he’s going to stop by Mom’s tomorrow, got bit by Houdini, and is going to hire a lawyer. If this lawyer doesn’t get me out of here before April, nothing will. This is our last resort.

Ruby agrees with me – my PO isn’t ignoring Tom and I because of the holidays. She’s ignoring us because she’s every bit as bad as I vibed she’d be. She’s just a bitch who doesn’t give a shit. I hear so many people say how cool their POs are, well, I’ll never get one of those. I just know I won’t.

I forgot to mention something pretty funny Rosa did to Tina before I came over here. Tina was standing at the door talking to someone with her hands clasped behind her back, holding her toothbrush. She’d just finished brushing her teeth when Rosa reached for her toothpaste and put some on the toothbrush! It was sooo funny!

The only thing I don’t miss about being with them is that Tina’s so desperate for chatter. She’s not very independent at all. This constant need for chatter brings people to the door, and when they get to gabbing loudly, it really annoys the fuck out of me. I wouldn’t feel like I was alone right now if I were in with them. They’d be up wanting to talk, and Tina practically forces me to play interpreter for her so she and Rosa can chat, whether or not I’m in the mood. I’d still rather do the rest of my time with them, though, even though she smothers me and gets on my nerves at times, but I know it ain’t about to happen.

Yes! Palma and Nottelmann are on!

I just heard someone ask someone which DOs were on and they didn’t like the answer. They said that when Palma’s on, they get moved. Yeah, Palma does like to play musical cells. Almost every time a 3rd celly has come into whatever cell I’m in, they’re put there by Palma. Who’s Palma going to put in here tonight? Ruby says she won’t put anyone in here. Then she’ll move me instead.

Damn! Ruby’s going to end up being up while I’m asleep and I don’t know if I like that idea.

I’ve got a note on lined paper for Nottelmann about letting me go back to 107, or at least not putting me in a 4-man cell if I must be shipped back to M.

Tuesday, December 26, 2000

A101

Took a long, 4-hour nap. I must’ve been exhausted.

I have a lot to update on. Not even an hour after giving Nottelmann that note, Palma rolled me back to 107 and told Ruby to go to 101. I was both shocked and psyched. Tina and I were hugging, Rosa practically picked me up off the ground as she hugged me, and we were all glad I was “home” again.

I had just gotten my shit set up when in came Palma to tell me she was swapping me and Ruby. I was pissed and I totally went off on her, asking her why the fuck she was doing this to me and that if she had a fucking problem with me, she could just come out and say so.

Then she tells me not to give her any shit and that someone fucked up the roster and she was trying to fix it (how the hell I got away with cussing her out, beats me!). I guess she swapped us because Ruby’s max, and so are Rosa and Tina. Because I’m medium, I was put in with other mediums.

Anyway, as I was heading towards 101, I asked Palma if they were crazy. She said they weren’t, and that I probably knew them.

Well, I’ve never met Carolyn P and Marian M before, but at least they aren’t crazy. Just rude. They have no respect for those that are sleeping. Especially Monday, as she likes to be called. The only way I can get any sleep in here is if one of them is asleep while I’m asleep. If not, they talk to each other without bothering to lower their voices. They don’t even try to be quieter.

They’re both in for drugs and both are ugly. Carolyn’s 39 and Monday’s 43, and because she’s older, I’m sure that means she’ll be talking a lot, especially to herself. She gave Carolyn and I Christmas cards she got from tank orders. That’s premature. It was still nice of her, though.

Although gently, Carolyn’s been trying to push Jesus on me. I was shocked to find she has a boyfriend. She’s very butchy looking with boring short hair.

This is the 13th time I’ve been moved, and if I haven’t lost count, I’ve had 13 cellies now, too. Ruby, Carolyn and Monday say all I have to do is ask a shrink for closed custody and they’ll give it to me. Yeah, right! And I suppose they’ll give me a million dollars too, if I ask for it. God would never let me escape all these people, but you can bet your ass I’m still going to try!

Tom finally heard from someone – the bar association. They said to take it back to court. In other words, they don’t give a shit and they aren’t going to do anything about it.

During our visit, he signed a sentence – the rat and mouse ate cheese. He’s learning! I had to correct him a couple of times, but I needed correcting at times myself when I was first learning. Those illustrations can be tricky to comprehend.

He told me the rats were biting him and acting out. Harry ran into the bedroom while Houdini ran the opposite way and climbed up inside the couch.

I showed him how I lost enough weight to finally trade in my large pants for mediums. They’ve been feeding us shit lately! I can’t wait for tomorrow’s commissary. Our Christmas dinner was no different than any other. Tom said he wasn’t surprised, seeing that Christmas is a religious holiday and Thanksgiving is more of a generic one.

Monday’s got court tonight and Monday’s got it January 2nd. Then within 10 days, she’ll be DOC’d out of here.

I got pretty PO’d at this totally rude DO on my way to my visit who was doing escort. I’d have grieved him if I’d known his name, but I didn’t catch it (I later learned it was Bergman). I forgot to tuck my shirt in and he told me to and I did. That’s where the bald mother-fucker should’ve dropped it. Instead, the little fuck had to add that he was two seconds away from canceling my visit. That’s two seconds away from dealing with my wrath he would’ve been too, if he had canceled it, because that wouldn’t have been my loss only but Tom’s, too. That would’ve been so rude to do to Tom and so unfair to him too, after taking the time to come and see me. And over tucking in a fucking shirt! If he’d canceled it, I don’t think I’d have been able to keep from losing it on the sack of snot. How dare he threaten me! What? Do some of these DOs think they’re God just because they’re the DOs and we’re the inmates? This one can bend it backward and shove it up his ass! Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn’t have visits or commissary to lose because if I had nothing to lose, I’d have kicked many sets of teeth down many throats by now.

I thought I noticed more gray in Tom’s hair. A twinge of guilt crept over me when I saw this. And anger and sadness, too. Imagine all the gray hair I’ll have when I get out!

Carolyn and Monday have been good (so far) with not begging. They haven’t even asked to use my radio. I’ll have a total of 15 envelopes if all goes well. I’ll have 6 from Tina after I get her candy bar and pop tarts, 6 from Monday for 2 brownies and corn nuts, and 3 from Carolyn for 1 candy bar.

Carolyn and I were talking about diet and exercise and she said that if you build muscle underneath the fat, rather than lose the fat first, you won’t lose the fat. That’s what happened to me. But then she said that a good 3-4 months of eating 3 grapefruits a day will peel the outer layer of fat off. That outer layer of fat, though, is being peeled off really well, thanks to Estrella Jail and the freeloaders who put me here.

Black Johnson worked 2nd shift, and I said jokingly, “Hey, you wanna pass a kite for me?”

“Yeah, right,” she said.

We’re not supposed to pass kites to each other, so we have to do it behind the DO’s backs. Rosa had a kite made up for me with lipstick kisses which I got during the 5 minutes I was back there before Palma bounced me down here.

Speaking of kites, I got another medical one to go in for my inhaler/snot spray. I’m scheduled for an eye exam but haven’t heard about my prescriptions yet.

Oh, I hate this shit! I’m so sick of having to fight for things no one should have to fight for. At least we have hot showers and even the air temperature’s warmer. How long will it last, though?

Got two letters from Tom today, mostly mentioning how the rats bite him and misbehave. He enclosed a picture of Harry, saying he’s getting to look like Vanilla Belly. I couldn’t see his belly, but I thought he was a spitting image of Scuttles with the dark brown fur and white paws. He says mellow Harry’s turned into a hyper, rebellious thing.

He says he hasn’t been able to get any info on Rosa yet. The court website’s been down.

He also says he’s holding off on the governor and senator’s letters till he talks to a lawyer. He thinks a lawyer would cost $300–$400, but I think it’d cost more than that. His mom, God bless her, may have to help us.

Why don’t we just open up “The Freeloader Account?” Why don’t we just pay her regularly for the rest of our lives? In a sense, we’ll probably have to anyway.

Carolyn and Monday had the very unfortunate curse of having crazy Melinda for a celly for 3 days till she went back to M. They said they prayed for someone like me. I’m glad God answered their prayers. Now how about mine?

Set me free, God!

Carolyn was telling me the DOs record our daily behavior in detail, but I don’t see how they can be that detailed when 95% of the time they don’t glance in at us for longer than a second. Sometimes not at all.

Yuck! This cell is starting to reek of bad breath (they’re asleep). Commissary needs to start selling room deodorizers.

As I’ve said before, I plan to type these rough drafts up when I leave here and make a little book. My Estrella Jail Nightmare was the only thing I could think of for a title. Then Carolyn came up with Why Am I Here? Again, I know why I’m here. I’m here because something up there hates me and wants to screw me over.

Carolyn thinks I should publish it to let folks know exactly what goes on here, and when I told her what a bitch it is to get something published, she recommended I sell it at a consignment shop.

I don’t think so.

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

OK, now for my shocking news. There’s a chance Palma may actually like me. I thought about the possibility for a second, said nah, then Carolyn suggested she might like me before I even mentioned it. I don’t know, though. For everything that says she doesn’t like me, there’s something that says she might.

Ruby, Carolyn and Monday think she’s bi. I had thought she may be prejudiced because of how Madeline said she reacted to a couple of girls who got rather close to each other in K dorm. She said Palma said something like, “How could you do that shit on my shift? That’s sick!” Carolyn said the bi ones are the ones that usually react like that, and Madeline’s no reliable source of information.

Monday said she was nearly fired last May for nearly beating someone up. Palma does have a very aggressive streak in her.

If she does like me, she has a very strange way of showing it what with the way she’s played musical cells with me. Carolyn said that her bouncing me around may delay me from going back to M because it’s those who have been in the same cell here the longest that tend to go first, she says, and not who’s been in Ad-Seg for the longest, like I had thought. On the other hand, though, she moves a lot of people around, so I don’t know what to think.

Maybe she respects me for standing up to her. Maybe that’s it. Three times I yelled at her and got away with it. She could’ve written me up or done something. Then again, all I really did was swear and bitch. It’s not like I threatened to kill her. Even so, from what I’ve seen, Palma’s the wrong one to go off on. Why I got away with it is a mystery to me.

Later, once I’d gotten settled in here, I apologized for going off on her. “You’re OK, babe,” she said. It didn’t hit me till later that she used the word babe, and I asked Carolyn if she heard her say that, which she did.

Another thing that stuck in my mind was how weird I thought it was for her to say, “I’d never send you there,” when I thanked her for not sending me to M the day she put me in with Ruby. I could’ve sworn she either said that, or “I wouldn’t send you there.”

Again, I don’t know what to think. It’s nice to think that someone you like might like you back, but I can’t say for sure what’s going through her mind. There’s something there, though. It seems that ever since I gave her that card, things have changed between us, and I’ve been getting a lot more attention from her, even if most of it isn’t in a great way, and even though she’s still not very friendly overall. I must admit that as pretty as she is, there’s nothing about her personality that really grabs me. She may know two languages, but other than that, I get the feeling she’s probably pretty dumb.

A part of me doesn’t want to know if she likes me or not, as much as I’m curious, because then there’d be no fun in guessing and wondering, which is fun to do. I like playing detective games and trying to figure things out. I don’t have anything much better to do here, anyway.

Nottelmann said she’d put me in Alex’s cell if it’s not taken when she returns Thursday. If he left today, like I’m pretty sure he did, it’ll be taken long before Thursday. Thursday I’m going to try to get her to put me back with Rosa and Tina. The only problem with that is that Palma will bounce me back out.

Rosa and Tina are not happy to have Ruby for a celly, although they like her. Ruby showers only once a week and has a yeast infection that makes her stink like hell. She finally showered today. I remember how she stunk, though Rosa’s a stinker, too.

There are a couple of funny things I forgot to mention from when I was with Rosa and Tina. I wrote the Spanish word pared down, which means wall. Then I told Rosa, “Me voy a pregunta Tina al leer esta palabra” (I’m going to ask Tina to read this word). She pronounced it paired, just like I knew she would. Rosa and I got quite a kick out of that one!

Then I told Tina to tell Palma dame un beso (give me a kiss), but Tina said she doubted she could remember that and that she didn’t trust what I was telling her to tell her.

Gee, I wonder why? It was still worth the try!

Thursday, December 28, 2000

I was right when I said commissary would fuck up my order every 2-3 weeks, but at least it was a minor fuck-up. Instead of getting pink lipstick, I got Chapstick, so the guy said he’d take back the Chapstick and credit me for it.

I loaned Rosa a pair of batteries for her radio because her husband didn’t get money into her account on time. I got 15 envelopes for the stuff I got Tina, Carolyn and Monday.

I also wrote Tina the lyrics to the song Desperado like she asked me to.

That Magic Shave they sell is great. It’s a powder you mix with water like pancake batter. It really does remove hair. Carolyn helped me at first. I put it on for 5 minutes, then scraped it off with my ID card. Then I washed the area with my homemade washcloth (a piece of a torn towel).

Although I like Carolyn and Monday, I would still like to go back to Tina and Rosa, but smelly Ruby’s still there. Now that I’m settled with Carolyn and Monday, I’m sure I’ll be moved anytime now.

Where’s Palma? She hasn’t been here since Christmas. I asked Nottelmann if she was on vacation and she said no. Guess she’s working the dorms.

They’ve finally gone to bed. Now maybe I can get a little shitting privacy.

It was funny earlier how Monday was saying she wished she had a catheter running from her to the toilet so she wouldn’t have to keep climbing up and down. It’s an easy climb, though, if you ask me, but she’s kind of fat and out of shape.

Carolyn said the only experience with a woman she had was eating out a hooker she befriended in order to get her out of her house. She said it was either that or be raped but that sounds like an awfully strange story to me. Women aren’t normally that forceful.

Monday says that she’s heard that this jail is the Hilton of all jails in the US. In other countries, they beat and starve people and make them live in their own shit.

Well, this jail is bad enough. After 4 days of being blessed with warm showers, they’re cold again. It only lasted 4 days in M too, when we grieved the showers there. It’s like they count the days or something.

It’s also colder again. I remembered how someone in M covered their vent by slapping on wet wads of toilet paper, so Carolyn and I did that earlier.

They’ve fucked up with the meds again too, the incompetent fuckers! Yesterday’s trip to medical was a complete waste of time, except I got to see Rosa there. We were glad to see each other.

I was pissed to find that I haven’t lost any more weight, too. I’m still 110 pounds. I better cut back on the commissary. Maybe I should just get hard candy, which replaces the gum I usually chew on the outs that they don’t sell here.

I turned down the eye exam because Tom would have to send money in if I needed glasses, and my eyes aren’t bad enough for glasses. I’ll get a real eye exam someday on the outs.

I told the doctor why I didn’t want the Theo and she said, “That’s a lie,” when I told her I was told it’s what made my veins small. My Theo prescription has expired. That’s why they’ve finally quit offering it. The inhalers don’t expire till January 5th. Meanwhile, the doctor said I need not come to medical whenever I need refills. All I have to do is ask the nurse for refills until my prescription expires. Right away my vibes said that the nurse wouldn’t have them. Not only did she not have them, but the whole fucking jail doesn’t have them! They’re out of them and have ordered them from the distributor. How could these stupid quacks let them run out before ordering more, and just how many days will it take for them to get more? Again, I’m getting so fucking fed up with having to fight for meds that I’m tempted to say – fuck it!

A very butchy butch who noticed I was having trouble breathing on my way back from talking with Kara, gave me a hit of her inhaler. That was very nice of her. I’m saving the few precious hits I have left for when I really need them, but hopefully I won’t. I do the ballooning technique when I get really tight and it usually helps.

As for my allergy spray – instead of taking 2 squirts in each nostril a day, I’m taking 1 in each every other day.

My teeth – fuck them. If God wanted me to have straight teeth, he’d have given me them, and this is why he’s now got me in a situation that’ll force me to have crooked teeth again. I rebelled against the way they were and now I’m going to lose all I worked for. I went through so much time, money and pain to straighten them! I should’ve known better, though, about trying to change the way things are. I’m not going to bother returning to the dentist, or any other one for that matter. I’m just going to let them rot till they fall out and I need dentures.

I really love this Magic Shave. You don’t get razor stubble. On the outs, I’ll probably get the kind that’s already mixed, although it may be more expensive. All I’ll have to do is rub it on and wait 5 minutes, then hop in the shower. I may never use razors again.

Just heard a 3rd shift DO tell someone it’s 1:00.

I had a bright idea, though I don’t know that it’ll work. I want to put in a tank to classification requesting a copy of my original Ad-Seg form “for my records.” The real reason I want it is to see if I can get Rule’s first and middle initials and her ID# (even DOs have ID#’s). I want this for when I mail her a thank-you note because I heard there’s another Officer Rule floating around here somewhere.

I keep having these very depressing thoughts of being forced out of my home, away from my husband, and into the city. Into a small studio apartment near a job, only being with Tom in Maricopa on weekends.

After tanking psych, I got to see Kara today. I explained to her that my fight for an early release is over and that we’ve tried everything to no avail. I knew deep down as of 2-3 weeks ago that I wouldn’t get out before 4/29, but the reality of it really hit yesterday. I was so depressed.

I told her about the PO ignoring me and she offered to call for me, but I said no. Tom might call the PO’s supervisor. I don’t know if this is true or not, but Carolyn says she’s ignoring me because she’s not technically my PO (Carolyn would turn out to be right). The one out of Maricopa will be. Then why’d they bother to assign me to this woman in the first place?

I also explained to Kara that Tom spoke to a lawyer who said they’d love to take our money, but rule 32 isn’t for me. That applies to those in prison. He still thinks that after being here with good behavior for 90 days, since anyone can behave for just a week or two, I’ll have a better chance of an early release, but I don’t know if I can behave for that long with all these assholes, and I know I won’t get out early. I’m 100% sure of it at this point.

“That’s more time you have with Palma,” Monday said.

Sorry, but I’d rather trade in Palma for my husband, home, pets, freedom, and all the stuff I miss.

When I discussed with Kara my wanting to be closed custody because of the stress of having to be with so many different people, half of them rude or crazy, she said she’d hate to see me classified as CC because that’s for violent people. Like I really give a fuck about my reputation? I knew I’d never get it, though. God wants me with people. Lots and lots of people.

Ruby still hasn’t left for GP yet. I wonder if she ever will.

Kara said she’d talk to people about not moving me around so much, but I doubt Palma would give a shit. I also doubt there was ever a chance she ever liked me. No woman that I feel is that good-looking ever likes me. It’s almost always one-sided. If it likes me, I don’t like it, and if I like it, it doesn’t like me.

The best part of my day, which is now yesterday, was the fact that I got 2 visits back to back! First Helen, then Tom! Helen kept her word. How sweet of her to see me here. No, she definitely isn’t solely money-motivated.

She didn’t yet get the letter I sent in response to the Christmas card she sent me because she’s been in San Antonio and hasn’t been to the office.

It was hard for me not to shed some tears during our visit. Even her eyes got watery. Hope I didn’t ruin her day!

I filled her in as best I could about the good and bad, although unfortunately, there’s very little good to this place. I told her of my fears for when I get out of here and asked if she could help me find someone, if I needed it, to give me a note explaining why it would be hard on me both physically and emotionally to work outside the house. I need to work at home. I’m not going to be forced out into this sick, crazy world and into being something/somebody I’m not. I need to be the boss of my own fucking life! I can’t live my life with others always telling me what to do!

We agreed I’d give her a copy, once I get home and type up the rough drafts, of the Estrella Jail saga, so she can catch up on this nightmare quicker by reading in between sessions.

I’m in a real tug of war, as I told her. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live, either. I want to die right now to spare myself another 4 months of hell in here and whatever hell awaits me on the outs. Yet I want to live to be with my husband again, to play with Houdini, to do the things I love to do, eat my favorite foods and so much more. I want to beat these freeloaders once and for all! Beat them out of my life for good! Take back all that they and the courts have stolen from me!

I was just about to ask Tom what he got for Christmas when our time was up. He said he decided to wait and let me open my gifts myself when I get out. Sounds good.

Helen said my committing suicide would end my pain, but Tom’s would be forever. I don’t know about that. Tom’s a strong one who moves on very well. He could handle it and he’d get over it, but I get her point.

Friday, December 29, 2000

I slept on and off today, then after listening to people on their hour out discuss their “wives” for a while, I decided to get up.

I wish Poindexter, the girl next to us, wasn’t next to us. Everybody’s got to come gab with her on their hour out and it gets old.

My girlfriend’s on tonight. My imaginary one, that is, with a cold. I said, “It’s my favorite DO! Where you moving me to tonight?” when she came to the door to serve dinner, but she says she’s not moving me.

Wow! Really?

Ruby’s still here and I’m beginning to doubt she’ll go to GP. I just may be with Carolyn and Monday for a while, but they’re tolerable enough. Both should be gone in a couple of weeks, though. Monday to prison and Carolyn to rehab.

I’m depressed and homesick tonight, but what else is new? This is jail. My husband and my home are still way in the future. Many worlds away. I want to cry, but I don’t want to. It’d make me feel better, but I don’t want to run my mascara and depress Carolyn and Monday.

For jail mail, I got a receipt saying a friend deposited $20 yesterday. It couldn’t have been Helen. She wouldn’t do that, I don’t think, so it must’ve been Tom. I’ll call and ask him tomorrow.

No arm exercises for me tonight. I hurt my shoulder. I’ve been having problems on and off with that shoulder for nearly a year. I wonder if I might have tendonitis.

I’m through grieving for warmer air and hot showers just to have it granted for only 4 days. I’ll just suffer for 4 more months.

Palma started singing in Spanish as she approached our door on a walk, then stopped as she moved away. Hmm…trying to impress me? I wish! I also wish my Spanish was as good as hers and that Ruby would get the fuck out of here! I heard her talking to Palma about it earlier. She ain’t going anywhere. Not for a while, anyway. At least I’m not in a huge cell in M or with someone like Melinda.

Carolyn and Monday sleep and read most of the time. In the evenings they’re up chatting. Neither of them stinks, which is good, but Carolyn is one very misguided woman! She’s the one that’s very religious and she claims that the world will end in 10 years. Anything’s possible, but if it does, I highly doubt it’ll be in the way she says it will. She says the whole world, even those that live in the desert, far away from the ocean, will see Jesus place one foot on land and the other on water. Then after Satan tries to fool people into thinking he’s God, God’s going to pull his followers into heaven and kill the rest of us. It’s called The Rapture. Carolyn’s going to be one very disappointed person if she’s right, yet doesn’t make it to heaven. Or very shocked if none of this happens at all, but she strikes me as the type that would come up with a logical reason in her delusional mind for why it never happened. I mean, doesn’t she realize how ridiculous this story sounds? I try not to judge/change others and I expect others not to judge/change me, but it all sounds crazy to me.

She asked me what I thought about it all. I told her I believe in God, but not in God the way most people who believe in him do, and I don’t believe in religion. To me, religion is nothing but a bunch of silly rules and superstitious beliefs.

I jogged earlier. Because of my shoulder, I think I’ll only do leg and ab exercises tonight. Then I’ll listen to music, think of Tom, get homesick, and then cry.

Sunday, December 31, 2000

Tonight’s New Year’s Eve, my favorite holiday. Another thing the freeloaders stole from me. But not totally. Tom said to me on the phone today how he’d like to celebrate Christmas, my birthday, and the new year when I get out and make up for all we’ve lost together. How sweet of him. It’s another thing I can look forward to, in the midst of all I have to not look forward to.

He also offered to visit more, but I know how hectic Sundays are. He needs his days off to himself, and I can hardly hear him over all the people who visit on Sundays anyway.

He offered to put $30 a week in which would be even better than $20. Just knowing the money was there, even if I don’t use it all, makes me feel better. I want to get more hard candy and less chocolate so it lasts longer since I can’t chew gum here.

Although I know there’s no way I’ll get out of here before 4/29, he still thinks I will, but not because of anything he does. He thinks the jail will review me and let me out early after seeing how well I behave. He said he doesn’t think the inmates are really aware of this. I can’t imagine this happening, though. If it were something that happened, I’m sure I’d have heard about it. Besides, that sounds more like something that’d happen in prison, not jail.

Ruby’s still here, and if she gets out, it won’t be till next week after she talks to classification. I guess they fucked up on the computer.

By no means am I desperate to escape Carolyn and Monday, but they won’t always let me sleep. After our hour out at 9:00 this morning, they wouldn’t let me go back to sleep! They were talking on and off and wouldn’t even pretend to try to talk softly. They’re fine cellies when you’re awake. They don’t stink and don’t beg for my radio, but trying to get any sleep with them around is hit or miss. Carolyn said I should be more tolerable, but there’s only so much a person can tolerate, and they need to do their share of compromising, too. They can’t expect to throw all the compromising on me. I also made it clear to them that I won’t respect their sleep if they don’t respect mine.

I told Carolyn I sometimes wake up grouchy and not to take it personally.

“But we do take it personally,” she said.

“Well, that’s your problem then,” I told her. “I can’t worry and be responsible for how you may react to things. All I can do is tell you like it is and then you handle it however you’re going to handle it.”

The nurse surprised me by bringing me my allergy spray on his evening rounds, but they’re still out of the asthma inhaler. This nose spray is better because it sprays a finer mist like the lung inhalers. The other ones were like squirting water up my nose, but with this one, I don’t even need to dab at my nose with a tissue afterward.

It’s late afternoon right now. Carolyn, who’s sick to her stomach, is getting a taste of her own medicine and experiencing a good old-fashioned case of karma. The assholes out on their hour were keeping her up. Actually, she slept most of the day, which was the only reason I could get caught up on my sleep, but she wanted to sleep longer than I did. Yet even the DOs don’t have any respect, as Carolyn would find out when the rude dickhead we got on tonight went banging on tables. I’m sure Carolyn will steal my sleep (along with Monday) tomorrow and the next day, but today it’s nice to see that God, or something, took care of Carolyn and showed her what it’s like to ask someone the simple little favor of lowering their voice, only to be ignored.

Karma got Carolyn, but what about the freeloaders? Yeah, what about the freeloaders? That’s another good title for this book - What About the Freeloaders?!?!

Tom’s Christmas gifts consisted of a new shirt (he always gets a new shirt), a weird stuffed animal in a box, a wrench, and an electronic toy.

It’s about 10 PM now. Earlier we had another disappointing dinner; a cold, greasy hot dog with a little scoop of potato salad, a couple of pieces of cauliflower, and 5 crackers.

I can’t wait for commissary!

It’s going to be a long boring night for me. I can only read and write so much. I can only sleep so much, too.

Monday says she’s going to sleep as much as she can tomorrow because she has to be pulled for court at 2 AM. I treasure any time I can get with just one celly. With her gone, Carolyn won’t be chatting, and fortunately, she doesn’t talk to herself.

I’m getting a copy of this thing called Hart vs. MCSO through a tank order. It’s about a girl who took this place to court to better the living conditions around here. According to what I read in Carolyn’s copy (she’s rude, yet she’s enlightened me) it’s illegal for them to put more than 2 people in these small cells. I’m going to tank the captain and ask him why MCSO (Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office) can break the law, but we can’t. Then I’m going to send my copy home to Tom and see if he can have it investigated. It pisses me off, even scares me, to know that no investigators check up on things around here periodically. There’s got to be someone Tom can contact to stop them from putting 3 of us in here like this, as well as to maybe get some hot showers here, too.

[fictitiousfoodie]

What A Shame

I LOVED writing this one it is hot and fast. ;) Enjoy 

Bucky has a shitty girlfriend and he soon realizes he should be with you instead. 

Word Count: 1554

"Bucky, you gotta move on from her. She treats you like garbage, and I get that part of you thinks that's what you deserve, but it isn't. You know if I am honest, Y/N would -"

"STOP. I can not think of her that way, nor do I want to. And thank you for the advice, but Alice said she had something to say, so I will hear her out. I am not saying I am going to forgive her; I am saying that I would hear her out and that if her apology is sincere, I would be willing to try and work on things."  Bucky said, cutting Sam off in the process.

"Ohh are you guys talking about Buck's POS ex-girlfriend?", Y/N asked walking up behind them with the key to the door they were all now standing in front of. She threw the key to Sam, and he unlocked the door.

"I am going to stop telling you two anything about my personal life," Bucky grumbled as he kicked the door in and fired shots into the room. They were raiding another enemy bunker with some special tech that needed to be recovered or destroyed. They were a well-oiled machine at this point. As soon as they breached and secured the room, they called for backup. Their job was done now, and it was time for them to go back home. -------------------------------------- 2 Days Later

"My my my Mr.Barnes, you do clean up well.", Y/N said, playful taking in the now cleaned-up Bucky standing in the kitchen.

Sam let out a low whistle, "I know what you are trying to do and it ain't gonna work on her."

"Wait, What are you trying to do?" Y/N questioned. "Nothing, at all. Sam is just being stupid." "Nah, he is trying to make sure that if he has to reject her, he looks good - make her feel bad about cheating..." "Alleged cheating." Bucky interrupted. "Fine..alleged cheating. But he wants to also make sure he turns her on if he decides to forgive her." Sam finished. "OHHHHH makes sense." Y/N snickered, trying to play along.

Bucky sighed and turned. He had a date, no, not date, a meeting to get to, and he wanted to be tastefully late, not rudely late. He was almost out the door when Y/N ran up and said, "Hey Buck, by the way, the outfit works." Then closed and locked the door.

"Why you gotta play with the man like that?" Sam asked, chuckling under his breath. Y/N didn't say anything. She just shrugged her shoulders and walked off to the living room.

She and Sam were in the middle of watching The Fast and The Furious when the door burst open, and Bucky stomped in.

"You're back soon," Y/N said from her spot in the recliner. She had put on a pair of leggings and an oversized shirt once Bucky had left, not expecting to see him until tomorrow morning.

Sam had turned over his shoulder to look at Bucky, "What happened?" "I ... I guess I will never understand the thinking of a woman," Bucky said with finality and bitterness. Sam sighed, "She didn't apologize..." "Nope, not even once. Tried to say it was because I was gone so much," he shot with a dry humorless laugh. Y/N started to stand up and walk toward the kitchen counter, making sure to pull up the oversized shirt so Bucky could see the curve of her ass as she walked. He had always told himself that there could never be anything between them because Y/N was younger, well younger than he was. She was bright and carefree, both things Bucky tended not to be. But he couldn't lie and say after what Sam had said and the comment she had made earlier, he was starting to consider it. His cock twitched in his pants as her hips swayed in the leggings.

"What a shame, Buck. What a shame. Could've been with me this whole time instead of what's her fucking name," Y/N said, turning and hopping up on the counter, only successfully hiding the smirk she had and not the playfully sinful look on her eyes.

Buckys heart studdered and halted, "With you?"

Sam smirked to himself, knowing that Bucky couldn't ignore it now. Sam had seen it a while ago. They complimented each other slowly. Both of them had started to see it too. "Told ya."

"Sam?" "Yea" "Get out now," Bucky snapped, stalking over to where Y/N sat on the counter, pushing into the space between her legs and getting in her face. "You really want this, Sunshine?" Although it mostly came out harsh as he wrapped his arms around her, there was a softness and genuine kindness behind his words.

"You're smart Barnes, I'm sure you can figure it out." Hearing his last name on her lips was all he needed. He lunged forward and captured her lips. His kiss was soft and gentle at first but soon gave way to hunger. Y/N wrapped her legs around Buckys waist and pulled him in even closer. She moaned into him when his hand tugged softly at her hair. She broke the kiss panting. "God, you taste good, Sunshine," Bucky said, pulling Y/N back in. Her hands went to the hem of his shirt and slide her hands underneath. His skin was warm and soft in contrast to the hard muscles that moved along his abdomen. She wanted to feel his skin against hers. She tugged at the shirt haphazardly, and Bucky got the idea, pulling away and taking his shirt off. Y/N bit her lips at how incredibly turned on she was by the man in front of her. He had barely touched her, and she could already feel the wetness growing between her legs. Bucky was back to her in a moment, shoving his own hand up under her shirt. She gasped at the cool touch of metal to skin.

"Sunflower, if that's the reaction I get from just wrapping my arms around you - you're gonna be ruined by the end of this." He pushed her shirt all the way up and over her head. He growled when he looked down to find Y/N wasn't wearing a bra and was already bared for him. He palmed her breasts and started to kiss down her neck. One hand continued to palm her while the other went to play and twist her nipple. Y/N bit her lip in hopes of stifling the moan he had pulled out of her. Instead, Y/N slid her hands towards the button of his jeans, desperate to get her hands on him. She was able to get the button and fly of his jeans and immediately slid her finger into the space between his jeans and briefs and felt his hard cock. Bucky twitched in her hand and growled, "Careful, Sunshine, you are making it hard to be a gentleman."

"Maybe I don't want a gentleman," she said, running her hand down the length of his cock. "Just remember, princess, you asked for it." Before Y/N knew what was happening, Bucky had pulled her hand from him, scooped her up, and put her on the floor. Then, he yanked her leggings off of her and pulled himself free of the confines of his briefs. Y/N, just starting to catch up to what had happened when Bucky jerked her up and placed her back down on the counter. Then, he moved back in between her legs and slide two of his metal finger into her. Y/N was glad that Bucky had his other arm wrapped around her. She almost fell backward at feeling him slip in and out of her.

"Oh my ...god...please..." Y/N begged. "What, Sunshine? What do you want?" "More...please..." "That's it, use your words. What exactly what you want?" "You...... I want you in me...... Please...."

Bucky couldn't hold back any longer after hearing Y/N beg for him to be in her. He moved his hand to her hip and slid all the way into her. She was tight and warm and felt fucking fantastic. He pulled her up off the counter, and Y/N wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders. Bucky pumped into her, and Y/N could immediately feel her orgasm building. He was hitting her just right, and it turned her on even more than he was able to do while holding her. Bucky could feel his own orgasm building and knew, by the way, she was tightening around him, Y/N wasn't far behind.

"That's it, Sunshine, you like when I fuck you rough. Make you mine."

Y/N couldn't respond. She was cumming hard as Bucky continued to fuck her through it. She had never felt so good in her life.

"Sunshine. Answer me, who is fucking you good?"

"You are James. You are." Bucky's hips stuttered, and his eyes flew open wide. He had expected her to call him by his first name, but he loved the sound of it on her lips. A few more thurst, and Bucky was cumming as well.

They stayed there for a moment, both coming down from their highs. Bucky placed a soft kiss on Y/N's forehead and whisper, "Come on, Sunshine. Let's get you cleaned up for round two."

[lavaeolus]

Shadows of Hong Kong: The Minimum-Kills Run

Last year I attempted what was basically a Shadowrun: Hong Kong pacifist run. Essentially we played a perfectionist Shadowrunner who preferred clean ops: they used charm and guile to complete objectives without violence, and if combat did break out, used Duncan to subdue enemies non-lethally. On a good run, we were the ideal Shadowrunner. On a bad run, well...

Now, you might wonder why it's been over a year between installments. After all, the DLC isn't that long. The truth is that our ethos doesn't translate. Or at least, it's been changed radically. We could beat the main campaign without killing a single metahuman, and only a few key runs threw heavy combat at us. Neither of that's true any more. Many enemy types now no-sell AP damage entirely thanks to JoltAlert, and our slow-and-steady approach to enemy removal will now frequently have us sustaining ourselves through multiple waves of enemies.

Still, you may as well strap yourself in. The campaign's on the shorter side, so that means you can have a full breakdown this time. How many people do you have to kill in Shadows of Hong Kong?

Mission-by-mission report

Rude Awakening: We actually get through this mission with no kills recorded, despite gunning a captain down. Maybe it's something to do with the plot-radio he's carrying messing up the scripting. If you like, mentally increase the kill-count by 1. Unfortunately we can't save the civilians from the police, since we can't enter Pang's restaurant while in combat and one of the officers involved is another captain with JoltAlert. If you're questioning me leaving a bunch of civilians to die to complete a run smoothly: absolutely, you've got a point. Given the themes of the story, I like to think of this as an opening descent of sorts. After all, we've been shadowrunning for a while and have evidently reached the point of executing the odd person here-or-there. We're still keeping to a code of keeping the bodycount low on the job, but mayhaps we've gotten a little too used to the casualties this line of work can leave.

The Tiger's Den: The key fight takes place shortly after Lam's betrayal. It's terrible to have your own tactics turned against you, but not much can be done to stop the shock-baton heavies crawling out of the woodwork, bashing poor Gaichu over the head again and again. I could've set the turrets to lethal mode, but while I've used it as a measure, I'm not strictly trying to game the kill-count here. (Fun fact: I think in Dragonfall at least, DOTs will sometimes avoid adding to it. You know, if you want to do a murder-everyone no-kill run.) So that means the turrets are peppering away at the AP of my enemies, but they don't have much of a sense of who to prioritise. Still, by drawing aggro they make this whole affair just that bit easier. We subdue all we can, but by the end 7 police members die by our party's hand. Once the main fight's done, however, we're under no obligation to fight anyone on the rooftops or car park. We sprint past the AP-damage-abusing bastards to safety.

Detention: While the other optional mission requires you to fight (and kill!) things right from the start, here fighting can be delayed until the end of the mission. In an expansion that frequently ensures you end combat before progressing, it's a change of pace to just be able to run past the drones on the rooftop. Things wrap up with, of course, a mass group fight, but we can try to keep casualties to a minimum as chaos rides. I did side with a corp here, which makes the fight a little easier.

Tai Po: We have to kill one person outside the warehouse and then it's time for the final showdown. As far as I can tell, we can't grab the spider-drone controller without having killed some captains, so we take out all four of them the hard way. Fortunately, the evidence to persuade Krait is accessible. That doesn't mean our final fight gives us much room for mercy, though. We subdue what few we can while unloading on the rest. In the end, 12 of our recorded 19 kills come from this mission, but that count includes the spiders. When Krait finally appears, we tell her to shove off; she complies. As to whether we leave Shadowrunning behind now that the bodies are piling up or finish things by pulling Qiu from a burning building, well, I'll let you decide.

Wrapping things up

So that was Shadows of Hong Kong. I don't know if it was to provide a challenge and test for endgame builds, to provide a sense of escalation after facing an actual god, or an overcorrection to complaints of Hong Kong being too combat-light; but whatever the case, it certainly gave my team a good workout.

Unfortunately, Shadows doesn't have quite the polish of the base game. While it's absolutely hit-or-miss in terms of reactivity, the main campaign will occasionally deign to acknowledge a few subduals: the thugs at the start, leaving Gaichu tied up, sparing the Plastic-Faced Man's mistress. I don't think there's any such moments in Shadows.

Still, the job's done and all-told are hands our as clean as they could be. Fun to dust off this old stunbolt-enthuasiast of a character and bring their story to a close. As bloody as that ending might be.

[severetimetravelnerd]

I Don’t Know(ft. G Dragon and MINO) (6)

Part 6

When Jiyong stumbles into your home drunk, you start to remember things long forgotten.

This series will be updated once a week, every Friday! No specific time though lol. It’s an AU where Jiyong has a younger sister and you’re her best friend! Featuring my OC Mirae as the Best friend. Just saying, it’s not related to any of the scenarios I’ve written so far. Please do leave me some comments or asks! I love receiving them! It’s also a bit of a love triangle situation, so yeah :)) There will be eventual smut in this series.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

I only write on this blog on tumblr, so if you see my work on any other platform, please let me know immediately.

Taglist:

@kwonnansi​

@unabashedturkeytreeslime​

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast​

@yee-hawwwwwwww​

@slayergroupie0128​

@herewecomeitsjekki​

@happygirl327​

Please comment if you’d like to be added to the tag list:))

Word Count: 2840

WARNINGS: slight smut, drinking.

——————————————-

6 years ago

It was late. Jiyong had just finished watching a movie and was wrapping up. He was just about to go to bed when he heard loud singing and knocking from the front door. Rushing to get the door before anyone else woke up, he opened it to find you, flushed and swaying, with an idiotic smile on your face.

“Jiyong!”

And you threw yourself at him. He caught you, whisper shouting at you.

“What’re you doing? Why did you drink so much?”

You pouted, eyes becoming sad. His heart clenched.

“It was Mina’s bachelorette.”

“Why’re you here?”

You looked around, confused.

“I don’t know.”

Your eyes widened.

“Do you not want me here?”

Your lips started trembling. Jiyong sighed.

“No, it’s not that. Come with me. Just… don’t make any noise.”

Immediately, your face lit up and you yelled,

“Yay!”

He smiled looking at you, gently shushing you. You were an adorable drunk. You pouted.

“Why do you not want me to talk Jiyong?!”

“Because it’s 2 in the morning and I don’t want you to wake up everyone else?”

“Oh. Good point.”

He held your hand and guided you to the couch.

“Sit here and don’t move, okay?”

You reached out and grabbed his hair.

��Woah! So fluffy! Your hair is surprisingly soft for someone who dyes their hair so much.”

Jiyong froze, a light blush spreading across his cheeks. You ruffled his hair, laughing.

“You’re surprisingly cute Jiyong.”

He turned red.

“J-just wait here, okay?”

Still flushed, Jiyong went up to his room to get make up remover for you. By the time he got back though, you weren’t there anymore. It was relatively easy to find you though. He just had to follow the sound of the crashes.

He found you in the kitchen, crawled up on the counter, trying to reach the chocolate wafers. He sighed and reached over you, getting the wafers and handing them to you.

“What’re you doing?”

“I was hungry.”

“Okay. Turn towards me.”

“No. I want to eat and you’ll steal my wafers.”

Jiyong didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh.

“Y/N, I’m not going to steal your wafers. I just want to remove your make up and get you to bed.”

“Sleep is for the weak Jiyong.”

“Says the girl who once slept for three days straight.”

You huffed and widened your eyes.

“Hey! That was after not sleeping for a week!”

“Why didn’t you sleep for a week?”

“…I procrastinated.”

“Exactly.”

Tired of you rambling, Jiyong gently grabbed your waist and turned you towards him, standing between your legs.

“You can continue eating. I just want to remove your make up.”

And as he gently wiped off all your makeup, you stared at him, wondering how he was so beautiful. When he looked up and caught you staring, you blushed and stuffed a wafer into his mouth.

“What was that for?”

“Consider it a gift.”

“Come on, let’s go up.”

You started whining.

“No, Jiyong. I’m tired. I’m just going to curl up here and sleep.”

Jiyong raised his eyebrows.

“Here?”

“Yes.”

“On the cold marble counter top?”

“Yes.”

“Where there is barely enough space for you to sit?”

“Yes.”

He sighed. Muttering under his breath, one of his hands gently went under your knees and the other went around your waist as he carried you, enjoying the way your arms went around his neck immediately for support. Your face went red and you buried your face in his neck, leaving you unaware of his adorable smile. He opened the door to his room and gently put you down on his bed. Sounding adorable confused, you asked,

“Why are we in your room?”

“Because if you wake up Mirae, she’ll kill you and you need to change. Here, take this t-shirt and shorts. I’ll be outside. Call me once you’re done changing and I’ll help you to Mirae’s room.”

You felt happy when you wore his clothes. Your drunk mind didn’t comprehend why, but it felt nice. It was comfortable. It was familiar. You looked around at his room and stared at the pictures he had up. You were in some of them. It made you feel nice. At least he cared. Even if you didn’t remember this the next morning, it was nice to know he cared. You were interrupted by a gentle knock and Jiyong came in.

“You should have called me.”

“I was looking around.”

He sighed, ruffling your hair.

“Come on. Let’s go.”

And as he held your hand, you pulled him closer, burying your face in his chest.

“Jiyong, can we just stay here like this for a while?”

His breath hitched, but he sat there next to you in silence, allowing you to rest against him. After a while, he realised your breathing was getting slower and sleepier. He was about to get up and tuck you in when you grabbed his hand. You mumbled something in your sleep.

“Don’t go Jiyong.”

His heart melted when he saw your small hand wrapped around his. He moved you in and lay down next to you, letting you snuggle into him and just enjoyed the moment. He stayed like that for a while, until he was sure you were asleep, and then got up and slept on the couch. Seeing you in his arms in the morning would have been too much. He didn’t want to give himself hope.

 4 years ago

There was a family get together at Mirae’s place. You were practically part of the family, so of course, you were there too. You smiled at everyone as you stepped away from the light and the noise, wanting a bit of fresh air. You walked away, enjoying the cold, fresh night air. You walked towards the back, walking through some grass when you heard the grass behind you rustle. Tensing, you turned around, prepared to punch whoever was following you, but only found a very surprised, sheepish Jiyong trying to light up a cigarette. You walked over to him, stifling a laugh at the way he refused to meet your eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I’m here to smoke.”

You looked at him sceptically.

“Weren’t you supposed to be trying to quit?”

He looked at you suspiciously.

“What’s it to you?”

“Hey, I’m just trying to help you.”

You moved away, not liking the smell of the smoke, and you stumbled. Jiyong’s eyes widened and he grabbed your arm, pulling you into him.

“Be careful! You could’ve gotten hurt. Why’d you move away?”

Your face scrunched up when he breathed out the smoke on your face.

“I don’t like the smell of cigarettes Jiyong. You do what you want, but I’m going to just walk for a bit.”

You gave him a light smile, wrapped your shawl around yourself tighter and walked off. Jiyong watched you walk away with a growing sense of panic. Suddenly, he found himself putting out his cigarette and jogging up to catch up with you. He never smoked a cigarette around you again, because he never wanted you to walk away from him like that again.

 ***

Minho sat down at the table, with you sitting right next to him, your hand on his thigh. Jiyong’s jaw tensed. You didn’t realise but Minho did, and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at Jiyong while taking your hand and saying,

“Hi hyung! It’s nice seeing you here.”

Jiyong barely managed to politely smile and nod at Minho before getting up to leave for the bar. It was going to be a long night. Minho felt a little guilty for driving away his hyung, but the overwhelming feeling was still relief, because seeing you with his hyung just reminded him of everything in the past.

Two hours later, Jiyong could barely stand when Hwiyoung, the designated driver for the night, helped him into his car. Hwiyoung had very kindly offered to drop off everyone, but you had declined, knowing that they couldn’t find out about Minho. Jiyong was drunk, and while that was nothing new to him, he was used to taking someone home with him. After meeting you again though, he couldn’t, because every time he was with another woman, all he could see was your face, your smile, your lips, everything about you. He was lost in thought, thinking about you when Hwiyoung stopped the car for Somin to get out. Just wondering out loud, he asked,

“I wonder why Y/N didn’t just come with us. You and Y/N literally live on the same floor.”

Somin laughed.

“I’m sure she had her reasons. But we don’t live on the same floor. I live on the 9th floor and she lives on the tenth floor.”

“Meh, close enough.”

Hwiyoung was about to start the car again when Jiyong suddenly sat up, barely aware of what he was doing when he told Hwiyoung,

“Hwiyoung, thanks for the lift, but I’ll get off here.”

“What? Why? This is so far away from your place.”

To make things less suspicious, Jiyong smirked and said,

“Yeah, I know, but a girl I know just texted me to meet her at the ice cream place down the road, so I’ll just go.”

“Oh, okay then. See you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Hwiyoung.”

 You were slowly unwinding after Minho dropped you home, changing into a tank top and shorts and listening to music while going through your emails. You smiled when you saw Somin’s. She really was a lifesaver. You opened up the email and a chill went down your body. It was about the meeting with Jiyong. The one where you thought he was making fun of you. The more you read of it though, the worse it became. Why was he apologising? Why were the colours he picked your favourite colours? Why did he pick tea, peonies and poems? Oh no. Oh good god no. You shook your head. You had to be wrong. He couldn’t possibly like you. After years of making you feel awful, he can’t just change his mind. Just when you were finally happy. You snapped your laptop shut. You didn’t want to think about it anymore. You couldn’t afford to. But just as your mind went back to it, you heard the doorbell ring.

You were suspicious about who could be knocking at your door so late, but you knew who it was the moment you heard his drunken singing of ‘If you’. Your blood froze, but you opened to door to see what he needed. Icy, you asked,

“What is it?”

Jiyong didn’t respond and walked straight into your apartment, looking around in wonder.

“Get out of my apartment.”

Jiyong just turned and flashed you a light, trusting grin. You just stared at him in disbelief. He came close to you and cupped your cheeks.

“Wow, you look really pretty.”

And before you could react and pull away, he moved away, covering his face and blushing. You looked at him, drunk out of his mind and sighed.

“Can you stand on your own?”

He jumped.

“Yeah, I’m going to take that as a yes. You’re too drunk to go home on your own, so I’m going to call you a cab, okay? I know we have to be careful about your image but I know this one guy-”

And before you could complete your sentence, he fell on you, pushing both of you onto the couch. His forehead was resting against your collarbone. You blushed as you looked around. It was a very awkward position to be in. You were just about to push him off when he held your hand and very sleepily said,

“Don’t go Y/N. Let’s just stay like this for a while.”

You froze. You never fully remembered what happened when you were drunk, but this brought back memories. Why was it that you had a vague memory of saying that to him and him actually listening? You looked down at him. He was asleep already. Sighing, you pushed him off and got up, shaking your head as you forced yourself to not think about what you just remembered. Or what Somin’s mail told you. You couldn’t afford to. Not when you finally got over him. Not when you were happy with Minho. You went and got a blanket to cover Jiyong with. It was cold without one. You looked down and decided that you didn’t want to be alone at home with Jiyong. Too many memories. And it would have killed Minho if you did. So, you called him.

He sounded quite surprised when he answered.

“Hey Y/N, all okay?”

You smiled when you heard his voice. You could already see the raised eyebrows on his face.

“Hey Minho. Did I wake you up?”

“No, I was just changing. What’s up?”

“Do you mind spending the night here, with me?”

You could hear him grab his car keys and wallet.

“I’m on my way. What happened?”

“Jiyong is here.”

Minho had just gotten into the elevator when he heard that. His heart stopped for a second.

“Jiyong turned up here drunk and passed out on my couch. I don’t want to be here alone with him, which is why I called you.”

You paused.

“Minho, sweetheart, listen to me. It’s going to be okay. Nothing happened. He just passed out here. I like you. I’m with you for you.”

You could hear Minho shakily take a breath.

“Yeah, I know Y/N. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Don’t worry.”

 When you opened the door fifteen minutes later, you were expecting to find a worried, sad Minho. You were not expecting to be pushed against a wall and kissed hungrily. Before you could get used to it and kiss him back, Minho wrapped your legs around his waist and his mouth had already moved on from your lips to your neck, hell bent on leaving marks. Minho couldn’t help it. His fear got the better of him. He had to feel you. He had to feel you to know that everything was real. That you were his girlfriend. That he wasn’t just lying to himself.  His hands desperately went to your tank top and bra and ripped them off. You gasped. You knew something was off. This felt different. Minho had never been this aggressive with you. But the moment his tongue met your nipple, all thought left your mind and you moaned, letting him carry you to the bedroom.

  ---

Jiyong woke up early the next morning, wincing at the sunlight that was hitting his face. Yawning, he slowly stretched and looked around. Where was he? Did he go home with a woman last night? He furrowed his brows. No, that’s not right. He was with Y/N and her team last night. Oh shit Y/N. that’s when everything started to come back. And then suddenly, in the span of seconds, he went from confused to happy because if he was in an unfamiliar place, that meant you had let him stay. He looked down at the blanket covering him with a newfound appreciation. You had put that blanket on him. You still cared enough about him to do that for him. He grinned and jumped up, wincing from the ache in his head. He had to do something as a thank you. As he went to get water, he suddenly found a packet of pancake mix. His smile got wider. That was one of the few things he could cook and luckily, pancakes for breakfast were your favourite.

A good twenty minutes later, you stirred, the sounds from the kitchen disturbing you. Wait. Sounds from the kitchen? If you weren’t cooking, who was? Turning around, you saw Minho with his arms wrapped around you. You couldn’t help the smile that formed on your face. You pressed a kiss to his cheek and slid out of his arms, throwing on his shirt from last night before walking out into the kitchen. You were taken aback when you saw Jiyong flipping pancakes and adding them to a stack next to him.

“Jiyong, what is this?”

Jiyong grinned. You called him Jiyong again. He was in the middle of flipping a pancake, so without turning around to face you, he said,

“Good morning Y/N! Thanks for letting me crash here last night when I was drunk. As a thank you, I made pancakes.”

He had just flipped the last pancake and turned around with a huge smile on his face only for it to fade. And fast. It first faded because he saw all the new marks on your neck from last night because of how loose Mino’s shirt was on you. It faded more because a shirtless Mino had walked out of your bedroom, wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed you. He looked up at Jiyong, surprised at first, then nervous and finally, with a challenging raise of his eyebrows, he said,

“Good morning hyung.”

[gmariam19]

Well, I didn’t write anything for Valentine’s Day, which is fine because there’s a pretty good chance that’s not a thing in a galaxy far, far away. ;) But I am working on a one-shot with Finn and Poe. It’s something that came to me as a very vivid scene pretty much all at once, so I scribbled down some notes, and surprisingly enough, they stuck! Hopefully I’ll finish it this week and then get to the epilogue of my other story that I keep putting off (even though I can’t wait to be done. Hmm. Strange.)  So here is a minimally-edited snippet of the one shot, which sees Poe calling his dad after the Battle of Exegol to tell him what happened. . . 

There is a knock on the cockpit door. “General?” C3-PO enters, stops immediately when he sees Poe talking to his father. “Oh, I’m sorry. I did not mean to interrupt, General.”

“General?” asks Poe’s father. Poe holds up a hand and turns to the droid.

“I’m a bit busy now, Threepio. Can it wait?”

The droid pauses, nods his head once. “Yes, sir. I believe it can.”

“Thank you,” Poe tells him dryly. “I’ll be sure to find you when I’m done.”

“I will be in the main cabin with the others, General.” He turns to leave, and Poe calls after him.

“Don’t forget the door, Threepio. And no more interruptions.”

“Of course, sir. And of course not, sir.” He leaves, the door whooshing shut behind him. Once again Poe contemplates locking it, turns to his father with a sheepish look on his face. Kes Dameron is waiting patiently, arms crossed over his chest, eyebrows raised in question.

“So you’re a general now?” Kes asks, voice serious but a smile pulling at his lips.

“Well, yeah…I guess.” Poe shrugs, rubs at his tired eyes. “Leia made me acting general before she died. No idea why…could’ve been anyone…”

“She wanted it to be you,” Kes tells him sharply. “Because she trusted you. Because she’s been preparing you for a while now. You know that. So trust in her. She knew what she was doing.”

“I hope I do,” Poe grumbles, then sits up straighter. “But at least I’m not doing this on my own. I made Finn my co-general.”

This time Kes actually smirks. “Oh, really?”

“Not like that, dad.”

“Not like what?” Kes holds out his hands in innocence. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t have to, I can see it in your face.” Poe gazes out past the hologram, into the forest where somewhere, Finn and Rey are sitting, enjoying their new closeness. And he’s sad for himself, but so glad for two people who desperately deserve happiness. “Kriff, dad, you should have seen him. He led a ground assault on a Star Destroyer! With a cavalry! And when it all backfired, he came up with a new plan and got it done—destroyed the beacon that was controlling every Star Destroyer there. Once Finn took it out, they never had a chance. It was amazing.”  Poe tries not to think of those harrowing moments when he saw Finn and Jannah hanging from the side of the Destroyer, before the Falcon scooped them up. He’s just so relieved it worked and they survived.

“I see,” says his father, nodding sagely. “It does sound amazing. So when are you going to tell him?” his dad asks quietly, seriously. Poe shakes his head, knows he can’t lie to his dad but he’s going to try anyway.

“Tell him what?” The false cheer in his voice gives it all away, and Poe holds back a cringe as he dad crosses his arms over his chest again, cocks his head in that way he’s had since Poe was ten and tried lying about the Force tree in their yard. “Dad…”

“Poe, the war is over. You don’t have to wait anymore. Besides, your mom and I didn’t wait.”

They hadn’t waited until the war was over, which had left Poe alone as a baby, raised by his grandfather. Not that Poe wanted children any time soon, but the thought of leaving behind someone he loved, or losing them, was not something he’d wanted to think about, before. Not when the next day, the next battle, could mean capture, death, or defeat. But now…

“I know dad, I’ve heard the stories.” Poe sighs. “And you’re right, the war is over, but you know just as well as I do that there is still a lot of hard work to be done. There’s still going to be pockets of the First Order holding out, putting up a fight, and I can’t leave the New Republic to—”

“To what, son?” his father demands. “Think of yourself and your own happiness for once? Of your future? You and Finn can work with the New Republic together, you know. Side by side.”

“It’s not that simple,” Poe grinds out. “It’s complicated.” There’s someone else, he doesn’t say, because it’s yet another thing that becomes all too real once the words are spoken and shared.

“Stop making excuses.” Kes Dameron’s voice is flat, almost stern. “Before that ring around your neck chokes you. Tell him, Poe. Talk to Finn.”

The door slides open behind him, and Poe whirls in the pilot’s seat, his eyes big as his heart drops because of course it’s Finn. Did her hear any of that? What’s he even doing there? Where is—

“Tell me what?” Finn asks, sounding both curious and concerned. “Everything okay?”

“Kriffing hell,” Poe mutters, turning back to his father. “Thanks a lot, dad.”

And his father, the old bastard, is grinning. “Perfect timing!  I’ll leave you two to talk.”

“No, no,” Poe says, leaning forward in alarm. “It’s fine, don’t go, I need to–”

“I know you have a lot to do,” his father continues, Poe’s protests falling on deaf ears. “But come home soon. You need a break. Trust me. I remember the feeling.”

Poe blows out a long, slow breath. “I know you do,” he says quietly. “And you’re probably right. I’ll see what I can manage.”

“Soon, Poe,” his father says. “Before you collapse. And bring some company. I’d love to visit with someone besides you and BB-8.”

“Um,” Poe tries not to glance back at Finn since the implication is clear. “We’ll see about that.”

“Well, I can always issue my own invitations,” Kes offers, too cheerfully, and when did his father turn into such a scheming matchmaker? Poe rolls his eyes, leans forward to disconnect the call.

“Don’t even think about it, dad. I’m fully capable of issuing my own.”

“Then make sure you do.” It’s a strange standoff, and Poe can practically feel Finn’s eyes boring into the back of his head.

“It was good to talk to you, dad,” Poe manages, suddenly choked up again. “I’ll call again soon.”

“I’m proud of you, Poe. General Dameron.” He smiles, reaching out as if to touch his son. “Never forget that.”

“I love you too, dad. Dameron out.” His dad offers a small mock salute, and as the connection shuts down, Poe flops back in his chair, even more exhausted than he was when he walked in—physically and emotionally. He hears Finn shuffle behind him but is too worn out to turn around and say anything. Maybe if he’s lucky Finn will walk away.

Apparently he’s only lucky in the sky.

[missmonsters2]

The Color Of You || Part X

PAIRING: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader/OFC

Summary: It was another mission Natasha was assigned to. Nothing she hasn’t done before. Same mission, different people. Sent undercover to investigate William Cain, suspect to funding terrorism and smuggling weaponry. Under the disguise of Natanya Rovinski, Natasha is ready for another routine mission. Until she met you, William’s fiancé.

Warnings: There are dark elements to this series. This chapter is 18+ smut. Please read responsibly. A ** will indicate when the smut is starting.

NOTE: Ugh sorry for taking so long I’m a POS. I can’t believe this is the last chapter! I will be finishing my [About You] series next. 

PART I || PART II || PART III || PART IV || PART V || PART VI || PART VII || PART VIII || PART IX

PART X of X

Count: 3167

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Natasha is torn.

She wants to make a scene, immediately steal you away and get you out of handcuffs.

But she knows better. 

And so, she must hold herself still. 

Everyone is currently sitting in a conference room, and Maria knows not to test Natasha’s limit and patience.

So, she sits you next to Natasha while she sits on the other side. Fury sits at the head of the table, staring at you, and you’re unsure how to read his expression. 

But you know why this has happened.

“What is the meaning of this?” Natasha asks, mouth in a hard line as she looks at Fury. “Why is she in handcuffs?”

“Because she’s a criminal,” Fury says simply. 

“She saved us all!” Natasha argued back.

“She abetted a criminal,” Fury says, not taking his eyes off of you. “Her guidance has caused the suffering of many, a significant amount of money laundering, and even death.”

“She had no choice,” Natasha hissed.

“Oh, she had many choices,” Fury turned to look at Natasha, “She could’ve found a way to contact us, contact any authority, she even could’ve tried to run away over and over again. But she didn’t.”

Fury looks back at you, “Isn’t that right?”

Natasha is about to say something else because the idea that you would be locked away, doing time for things you had no choice to do is ludicrous, but bring your hands atop hers, giving her a soft smile of reassurance.

“It’s true, I could’ve tried to contact someone at any time or ran away when I was finally allowed some freedom,” you admit.

“Then, why didn’t you?” Clint asked, frowning.

“Because there’s no guarantee that would’ve been the end of William,” you say softly. “What are you going to arrest him on? He hasn’t done anything at that point yet. Will you arrest him on the idea he might do something? You might as well arrest everyone in the world then.”

“We have your visions,” Steve jumps in, and you smile lightly at him.

“And what if I were lying?” You question. “How would you be certain that I’m telling the truth, that what I see is true? I can’t control my gift. I can’t conjure you up a vision on the spot. You would still have to wait until something I say comes true.”

“That’s not your job to figure out the Avenger’s job of bringing a villain down,” Fury tells you, but you turn your head and raise your eyebrow at him.

“It is my job if I’m the one who has to get directly affected,” you shoot back at him.

“Yet, in the end, your actions brought us all here,” Fury smirked.

Natasha’s about to stand up, but you hold her arm through your handcuffs, looking at her again. Her eyes search yours, only finding that you’re pleading her to trust you once more.

So she purses her lips, sitting down.

You turn your head back to Fury. “Let’s just cut down to the chase. In return for absolving me of my crimes, I will agree to research and training my gift, and aide the Avengers—”

“No—” Natasha tries to interrupt, but you pat her hand.

“In a consultant capacity,” you finish.

It’s silent as everyone processes what you’ve said. 

It would be essentially in the same position as Tony. You wouldn’t have to go on missions, or really have to abide by the same rules as SHIELD.

Nick Fury quirks his lips at you.

“Is that your deal?” He asks you in his deep voice.

“It’s the only deal you will agree to.”

Fury continues to look at you before letting out a quiet chuckle.

“Alright,” he says, standing up, motioning his hands to Maria to let you out of your handcuffs. “Deal.”

When all in said and done, you stand up with Natasha. Everyone begins to leave the room.

Clint and Bruce pat you gently on the shoulder as they leave with a smile.

“If you ever decide you need a better income, come work for me,” Tony tells you with his signature smirk, and you smile back at him.

“As what?” You tilt your head.

“Well,” Tony hums, “I could always use more paintings in my building. Peppers says my decor is shit.”

You laugh, and Tony smiles at you once more.

“See you around, third eye,” He chuckles at his own nickname that causes Natasha to roll her eyes.

Steve is the last to leave, standing before you with his hands behind his back and a slight curve in his eyebrow.

“Did you know that you would be arrested?” He asks finally.

You lick your lips.

“What have I told you about the future?” You say, and Steve just shakes his head with a smile, leaning down to give you a gentle hug before leaving. 

Once everyone is gone from the room, Natasha pulls you into her embrace, hand starting at the lower dip of your back before trailing its way up to the base of your neck.

“You had me wrapped around your finger right from the beginning, didn’t you?” Natasha whispers against the crook of your ear.

“Just as much as you had me around yours,” you say in return.

It isn’t long before Natasha finds your lips with her own, and the soft sigh that leaves your mouth is a sound that Natasha finds she treasures.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

You quickly move into the Avengers’ Tower on Natasha’s floor. At first, Natasha wanted to find her own place where she could live with you, but you argued it’s better to be surrounded by family. 

The tower was secure, and it’s nice to be somewhere filled with people for a change.

You settled in quite nicely, and you like that you can see so much New York outside from your room with Natasha.

It was lively with how you painted drawings on the wall with Natasha watching.

You’ve seen to have fallen into a nice routine so far. Natasha has more free time with no missions currently.

You wake around 9AM and sneak out of bed quietly to make coffee for Natasha.

You think it’s adorable that Natasha is not a morning person at all if she doesn’t have to be. She’ll stay in bed until 2PM if you let her.

You’re currently sitting in the living room watching TV. On the news station, you see that David has used his money to buy out William’s company. When the news came to light, his stocks dropped and obviously, his company tanked. David saved it by buying it and everyone innocent who worked there.

“It is my promise that I will rebuild and restore honor to this company. With our rebranding, I will show the world the true legacy the previous late CEO, William’s father, wanted to bring to this world...”

You smiled. You were sure that David would do what he promised. 

You get late lunch with Steve and trade drawings that you’ve been working on. He’s easy to be around, and you’re glad that he’s also someone that Natasha trusts. 

All while living your new life, you also dedicate time to sit with researchers that Maria and Tony set out for you to help you with your gift.

It’s slow going. For many days there wasn’t much to work with, but as time went on, more data was compiled, and you’re beginning to understand more of yourself and your gift. Here and there, you can help people on their missions when the visions pop into your head, and for once, you like that you’re using it to save lives in an honest way. In the small moments, there’s no scheming.

“So, what’s the plan now, third eye?” Tony asks you, and you smile.

“I’m going to head back to my room.  Natasha will probably wake within an hour.”

“She’s still sleeping? Jeeze, it’s like 1PM now,” Tony rolls his eyes in a joking manner, and you can’t help but chuckle.

“I don’t have the heart to wake her. she’s too cute.”

“I don’t know if the word ‘cute’ is what I would describe Natasha.”

“Well, I’m describing her, not you,” you smirk before sighing. “Alright, Tin Man, I’m going to go.”

You walk off, and you hear Tony mumbling, “Tin Man?” before laughing.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Mornings don’t settle well. 

Natasha doesn’t understand why her body can’t just come to love the mornings. It would just make everything easier.

But she can smell coffee, and her heart warms, knowing you’ve brewed a fresh batch for her. She gets up groggily, pressing her palm to her eye in hopes of pushing the sleep away before running her fingers through her hair. 

Getting out of bed, Natasha makes her way out to the living room quietly because she catches the sight of your back as you paint. She leans against the wall, just taking in the blotches of paint on your fingers and forearms, smiling because Natasha just can’t explain how the sight makes her feel. She loves seeing you with your messy bun. 

Her eyes travel down to the over-sized dress shirt you have on and can’t help but grin. When the two of you first moved in, Natasha insisted on buying you stacks and stacks of shirts for your painting activities. It made you giggle when you thought back to when Natasha was jealous of the thought you were wearing someone else’s clothes. 

Once Natasha feels that she’s soaked you in enough, she walks forward to make her presence known, pouring herself some coffee before heading over to you.

You look at your painting, squinting a little bit before smiling as you put your brush and palette down. Turning to face Natasha as you’re seated, the other girl pulls you into a hug, her fingers massaging the back of your neck before she dips down and kisses the top of your head.

“You’re gonna get paint on yourself, Nat,” you mumble into her body. 

“And it will be a wonderful addition,” Natasha smiles softly. 

“What were you painting? You’ve been working on this painting since I met you the first time I saw you in the studio.” Natasha asks, but then she looks, and she sees.

It’s her.

There are vibrant colors everywhere, shades of herself that Natasha would’ve never believed herself to be. The detail you put in her eyes gave an idea to Natasha was precisely you saw in the dark when you had a vision of her. 

Natasha is speechless, overwhelmed about how you see her, but she is so very in love with you. 

“I told you,” you whisper as you stand up slowly, your lips brushing against her exposed collarbone. “You’re the most beautiful color to ever exist.”

Natasha puts her coffee down on the table stand, her hands sliding against your jaw as she cups your face. Her nose drags across your cheek before it brushes against your lips. 

This is everything, Natasha thinks. 

You’re all healed up. Some things have faded into scars, but Natasha loves it because it means you’ve survived. 

Her fingers are slightly tangled through the baby hairs of the back of your head as Natasha pulls you closer to her.

Her lips press to yours, first chaste and quick, but the taste of you quickly draws her in, and before you know it, you’re in the midst of long, languid kisses that make your head spin. Natasha leads you to the bedroom, her hands traveling down the sides of your neck. One hand dips down the front, palm sliding across your bare collarbone as her other hand unbuttons your shirt.

**

The shirt slides off your shoulders, hitting the ground and forgotten as you back yourself onto the bed, slowly falling backward onto the bed with Natasha cover your body with her own.

Your nipples harden feeling Natasha’s silk top rub against your naked chest. Her lips descend on your throat, and you give out a throaty moan that your girlfriend just appreciates like it’s music.

Your stomach coils anticipatingly when Natasha’s lip make their way lower, her hands taking your soft mounds and squeezes them appreciatively. Your hips grind into her thigh that’s between your legs, and you feel Natasha smirk against your skin.

“Eager?” She teases.

“Only as much as you,” you breathily say back, but your hands are trailing down her sides until you reach the hem of her silk top. Fingers tread underneath until your touching smooth skin, adoring the goosebumps that follow where you touch. 

Suddenly, Natasha is holding you close, cradling you to her as if you’re the most precious thing to have ever existed. 

“I’ve waited for this for so long,” she admits, and you hum in agreement because you feel a burn in the back of your throat.

Perhaps Natasha may never understand how much of you revolves around her, but your heart flutters, knowing that she loves you too.

“Touch me,” you rasp, dragging her hand to cup your chest. Natasha presses open-mouthed kisses between the valley of your breasts, trailing lower with renewed determination. 

Her tongue dips out, tasting your navel, and you feel the heat pool between your legs with the desire for Natasha’s love. Her blunt fingernails drag down your body, and you suddenly feel her breath at your panties. Her fingers hook around the lacy garment, dragging them until they become forgotten on the floor as well. 

You’re well-content to let Natasha take the lead this time, but there are things you won’t let her deprive you of, and that’s undressing her too. You sit up, capturing her lips, deepening the kiss as you button her shirt with haste. Natasha lets her arms limp at her sides as you push the clothing off her shoulders and down her arms, letting them fall to the bed.

Lowering you until your back hits the mattress, her gentle hands deftly feels every muscle on your back, and you let out a moan because Natasha’s mouth feels even better on your breast. Her tongue traces a hot circle against your stiff nipple before her mouth closes in on it. 

And when Natasha settles between your legs, your legs can’t help but wrap around her waist. The first grind Natasha rocks against your core have you screwing your eyes closed in pleasure, your hips rocking back with intent as you moan again. 

Natasha gasps your name, stilling her hips much to your protest. 

“Slowly,” Natasha rasps, “I want to feel all of you.”

You take a shaky breath, swept up again when she kisses you, her tongue licking your bottom lip, and tastes you.

Her fingers travel to your legs, and she seems to linger, pulling at your thighs, grasping your calves, and then traveling up and spreading you a little wider.

Your hips roll for contact, and Natasha seems to find a new intent, and nothing feels slow anymore.

Her fingers dip into your wet folds, passing over your clit before pressing firmly on the nub, and you can’t help but cry out by how good it feels. 

Natasha watches you with rapt. You’re so honest with your pleasure, letting it show all over your face and the way your body arches off the bed. Her heart thuds as her fingers slide deeper, begging for entrance, and you spread your legs further for her. 

Natasha’s fingers press and curl, drawing favorable responses out of you, licking her lips when you reach out to grab her sides as you match your hips to the rhythm of her fingers. 

Colors are passing through your head again. The fierce red of Natasha’s hair, the deep, vibrant green of her eyes, and blue for the ocean you feel like you’re riding through.

And the building pressure in your lower belly pools and coils until Natasha pushes you off the edge, and you scream her name.

Opening you’re eyes, you look into your heaven, the tender green of Natasha’s eyes, and you know you’ll never be the same.

Between the ecstasy and the aftershocks of pleasure that ripples through your body, pulsing around the fingers still in you, you feel the shaking breath of Natasha against your neck.

“I love you,” she says against your skin, slightly salty from the sweat you’ve built up. 

Your fingers trace invisible lines on her back as you slowly come back down.

“I love you, too,” you murmur, drawing Natasha from her hiding place to give her a deep kiss. 

Your fingers are aching to touch her. 

You need to feel her.

But the taste of you has Natasha still wanting more.

“I need to taste you,” she says against your lips. Your breath catches as Natasha dips her head and bites your shoulder gently, her hands already trailing down again, except this time her head follows.

“Please tell me you plan to let me reciprocate you today,” you husk, and Natasha chuckles, and you feel the rumble.

“Eventually,” Natasha concedes, finally reaching her destination. 

“But as I said,” a hot tongue glazing over the oversensitive flesh, “slowly. We have all the time in the world.”

A moan escapes your throat. 

And you pray that the world won’t end anytime soon.

**

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

It’s only weeks before the bliss of being home with nothing to do ends with Natasha, and somehow, the world is in peril again.

You’re painting in the living room again while Natasha is zipping up her catsuit and also going over her equipment to ensure she has it all. Once she’s sure she’s got everything, she comes to your side and presses a kiss to your head.

“I’ll see you soon. I’ll text if I can,” she says against your hair, breathing your scent to remember it as she knows it won’t see you for a while.

Natasha is about to leave, but you jump up to grab something.

“Wait!” You call after her, running to your shared bedroom and then coming back out to give her something.

Natasha offers her hand, and you drop the items into her hand.

“Hair ties?” Natasha confusedly looks at them before looking at you.

You hum, “Yeah, you can go now.”

“Are you going to tell me what it’s for?” Natasha raises her brow.

You grin, “No, you’ll find out.”

Natasha merely shakes her head with a small smile, kissing you one last time before she goes off.

“Try not to get any paint on the wall this time,” Natasha reminds you with a look.

You nod dutifully, “I will do my very best, but you can’t lie and say you didn’t like the last painting.”

Natasha is really pushing it on time, but she just loves the little banters you have.

It’s blissful.

Natasha brushes a loose strand of hair away from your face as she gazes in your eyes. She’s probably late, but she doesn’t care.

“I will always love whatever you paint, I love the color of you.”

[queenofnohr]

Shi Huangdi Interlude - The Arbiter’s Melancholy

This........ may have been the hardest Interlude I’ve translated to date just because of all the techno-fantasy magic terms + Lostbelt lore + Emperor’s speech patterns, haha.

There aren’t too many variable dialogue options, but it may be easier to read on Dreamwidth.

This was a commission for none other than @tainbocuailnge c:

The shape destruction takes is not uniform. That was the hypothesis We arrived at. Just as there is no fixed standard to how a dream ends…… When the Tree of Emptiness is pruned, what form will the vanishing of that degenerated fiction — that Lostbelt — take? The particulars of each world will surely differ. Will its end come suddenly, like a candle being blown out……? Or will heaven rend and the earth be torn asunder as the agonizing cries of hell ring out…...?

In Our Eternal Qin Dynasty, what first forcibly opened Our eyes was the lack of observant people. Forests, wilderness, unexplored mountains and rivers — one by one, they became naught but pockets of nothingness. An implacable darkness covered them, and they were lost to the world.

Yet the people did not notice. They were people satisfied with living peaceful lives within their homes, with no interest in the outside world. Another uneventful day passes, and they go to sleep again.

Eventually, in the middle of the night while everyone slept, a certain village was swallowed whole by that nothingness. No one noticed anything out of the ordinary, and while they slept, they returned to nothingness. In that way, one-by-one, the radius of the peoples’ existence disappeared.

Those who were able to awake to another peaceful morning had forgotten that there was a neighboring village in the first place. They had no questions at all about it. That was the destiny of the people. That was the way they were raised. We are the only ones who ascertain all with Our own eyes. Only We, who stand upon this earth as an ordinary person, know the end of this pruned dream. The one watching the crumbling world is the sole person who watches over everything.

How fortunate— Indeed, rather than postponement, the best thing one can hope for is the end. We estimate the time We have left. It will be around three months until Our Qin Dynasty disappears completely—

Zhenren Shi Huangdi: How does progress look, Our Hun*? Steel Shi Huangdi: Unsatisfactory, Our Po. Zhenren Shi Huangdi: Hmm, We wonder if it’s possible to mobilize all computing resources to Epang Palace…... Steel Shi Huangdi: It is unsatisfactory, but it is not stagnant. Although it moves at a snail’s pace, steady progress is being made. Zhenren Shi Huangdi: Hurry. We don’t have much time left. Steel Shi Huangdi: It is unnecessary to tell Us. After all, the authority of analysis is the responsibility of Our Hun. Zhenren Shi Huangdi: Yes, and Our Po is at a loss for what to do. We are vexedー Steel Shi Huangdi: No, Our Po. There are some things that can only be done by one who has attained human form. Soothe Our people as much as possible. Be with them until the last moment, as one who stands on their same earth. Zhenren Shi Huangdi: That’s right. That, too, is the duty of the emperor. It cannot be neglected. However, sooner or later everything will return to nothingness…… Steel Shi Huangdi: Indeed. Our Po has received the next most important role. With a body that is a perfect imitation of those ethereal beings, We should be able to once again step into that enchanted land. That Mystery, at the end of it there must be a path to pan-human history. Zhenren Shi Huangdi: It won’t be a long journey. The preparations should be enough, but…… Steel Shi Huangdi: Then, We do what We can, and the rest is in fate’s hands. Because We are the sole being under heaven, in all creation……

[in Chaldea]

Shi Huangdi: There’s a Singularity! Reyshift is a go-go! Fou: Foufou!? Mash: Um, Shi Huangdi......? You just said there was a Singularity, but...... is that true? Da Vinci: Oh, Guda? Sorry to interrupt your break. A very excited Servant might pay you a visit soon……

> They’re raving all about it as we speak

Da Vinci: Oh, I see. Nonetheless…… Please come to the control room for a detailed briefing on the situation.

> Roger that > I’ll be there shortly

[in the control room]

Shi Huangdi: It’s Xianyang, right? 210 years before the founding of Christianity, right? That should be around the time We reached a dead end in Our quest for immortality, no? Indeed, We shall declare it. It was Our complete failure. Da Vinci: That’s some declaration…… Shi Huangdi: Well, let’s see, the Us of that time was so impatient, such a quest made Us completely lose Our mind. The reason for extending Our life, what the meaning of having a country and emperor were — We lost sight of it completely. Sion: ……*sigh*. It’s true that it’s hard to think of that behavior coming from Your Majesty, who is wise— and furthermore, an ultra-high powered supercomputer. You know that you’re the one causing the Singularity, but you’re talking as if it’s someone else. Shi Huangdi: But you know, We will be 2276 this year. Yet when We died, We hadn’t even reached 50. For comparison, for you all it would be like watching a toddler. They have to grab onto something else to stand on their own two feet, and fall all over themselves. In that case, isn’t criticism much too petty? Da Vinci: I suppose so, but. Setting that very emperor-like fallacious argument for a second— what’s with you? You’re way more pushy than usual. Was Your Majesty always this type of character? Fou: Fou. Fofou. (Translation: More-or-less) Shi Huangdi: Well, it’s a dark past We don’t really want to recall. Let Us hide Our embarrassment, at least a little. Da Vinci: ……Ooookay. I don’t really think this counts as “hiding your embarrassment,” but whatever…… In any case, the one who will accompany you on your Reyshift to the Singularity will also be our strategy officer taking responsibility for operations therein…… Right now, I’m currently covering Goredolf’s position so, Guda, your judgment on this matter is of utmost importance. Do you really intend to bring Emperor “How Interesting!” along with you on this expedition?

> Well, with our destination being what it is…... > Aren’t they qualified?

Shi Huangdi: Indeed! An appropriate judgment. Just what We expected from the protector of humanity! Sion: ………… If that’s what Guda concludes, I have no objections. However, I’ll also be accompanying you this time as Novum Chaldea’s Weapons Development Advisor. Mash: Huh? You’re going to Reyshift, Sion? Sion: Don’t worry about my aptitude. There haven’t been and won’t be any problems, because I deal with them all flawlessly. Shi Huangdi: Oh ho? You are aware that as We are Guda’s Servant, We shall only concern Ourselves with Guda’s safety, yes? Sion: That doesn’t matter. I have no desire to stand on the frontlines, and I’m more than equipped to see to my personal self-defense. You’ll come to see that both martial arts and marksmanship are my forte. After all, I am a genius of the Atlas Institute. Shi Huangdi: Hm. So long as you prove not to be a burden, We have no objections. I’m sure Guda is of the same mind?

> It’ll be encouraging to have you along. > Welcome aboard!

Da Vinci: Well, it’s fine if Sion comes along with you, but, well…… Sion, didn’t you say you didn’t want to do Spiriton Hacking? Sion: That was then, and it’s only sometimes in some cases! This is a rare opportunity, so it’d be a waste not to experiment! Da Vinci: ……*sigh*. It’s fine. Well then, head into the Coffins, everyone. The Singularity coordinates have been inputted, and I’ve made the necessary adjustments to accurately monitor your proof of existence. Sion: Please be scrupulous in your surveillance, Da Vinci. Don’t overlook even the slightest anomaly. Da Vinci: Yes, leave it to me. I’ll use the utmost care.

[we Reyshift]

Mash: Reyshift successful. However, this is…… Shi Huangdi: Oh my, how cruel this is. Our beautiful Xianyang, reduced to this sad sight, feels like some terrible joke. And what is this miasma? Mash: It's a magical energy thick with curses that permeates the air. If it’s this bad with the protection of a Mystic Code, an ordinary person in this environment would…… Shi Huangdi: Indeed. It is unlikely that any of the residents have survived. Even if they were alive, they would surely no longer be Our subjects, but something else entirely. Sion: Even if this is a Singularity, what the hell could’ve happened to result in such a dramatic change? Just what was the Shi Huangdi of this point in time planning? Shi Huangdi: Well, corrupted as We were, We expect that We underrated the degree of destruction We would invite. Speaking of Ourselves at that time, Our disposition was that if something were to be done, it should be done to its completion. Nevertheless, it seems We persisted in such folly…… Of all things, We devoured Xianyang completely. Sion: Devoured it……!? You mean you used that complete monopolization of resources arbitrarily!? I know your quest for immortality escalated, but did you really start a biohazard level calamity? Shi Huangdi: Um, well, it’s embarrassing to say, but We cannot assert that it would be completely outside the realm of possibility for Us. One would simply have to scrape together banned techniques from every corner of China, as well as every conceivable foreign system…… Thinking back on it now, that’s probably why Xu Fu ran off.

> Xu Fu?

Mash: Xu Fu was a court sorcerer who served at the time of the Qin Dynasty. It’s said that Shi Huangdi ordered him to search for immortality, and he traveled to the east with many researchers, but…… Sion: He never reached that enchanted land, nor did he return to Qin. According to one theory, he reached Japan and became a king there.

> So mercury was only the beginning……

Shi Huangdi: It got to the point that We tried invoking the homeopathic magic of Western Europe. No, it was because of its eternal, everlasting beauty— but thinking about it now, using it as medicine was truly the height of recklessness…… But We would like to tell Ourselves to drink a barrel of mercury if relying on curses is the alternative. This is truly pathetic!

[Mash looks surprised then puts her headset on]

Mash: ! Master, I’ve received a warning from Sheba! Hostiles incoming! Shi Huangdi: Mm, indeed, now is not the time to be in low spirits over a weak-mindedness that both is and is not Our own. On Our honor as a Servant, We shall serve as your guard. And here, to this fallen city, We shall demonstrate the law as the true emperor!

[fight]

(Node 2)

Shi Huangdi: …… Sion: ……That was difficult, wasn’t it. Even as you are now, at the apex of mankind, does your heart still ache? Shi Huangdi: Our spilt blood is not enough for the end of Our people. Moreover, the root of all this evil is the person We used to be. Mash: ……This is a Singularity. It was a different Shi Huangdi that made the wrong decision…… Shi Huangdi: No, because that person is still Us. We know where the end of that person’s delusional convictions lie. After all, it was none other than Us that had a glimpse into that regime. Guda, this is where the root of Our anxiety toward the human species stems from. No matter how noble the ideals you laud are, fate is much too cruel. The fear of ruination and making mistakes can all too easily mislead even those who seek to venture down the correct path. It is impossible for ten out of ten people to reach enlightenment even after a lifetime of devoting themselves to their studies. Yet if even one person falls to heresy, the remaining nine will be consumed.

> Do you think it’s impossible for mankind to improve?

Shi Huangdi: A person cannot resist fear and despair. So long as they are unable to surpass death and become Zhenren, they will be inadequate. And so, the duty of traversing the wasteland of humanity should be borne by one person alone…… In the end, even We, who were enthused by the prospect, met the bitterness of a pruned Lostbelt. Now, the right to challenge that cruel future lies in the hands of those that would inhabit that future. But do not forget. Even if you acknowledge the potential of mankind, an evil exists in this world. The same evil that you see here, that led Us to expose the depths of Our depravity— and it will appear time and time again.

> I know, but > We have no choice but to improve

Shi Huangdi: Heh. No matter how We might mean to intimidate you, a glance at your admirable and precious gaze and the words die on Our tongue. Well, shall We leave this trivial matter be? Then let us go to exterminate the source of these delusional convictions.

[inside Epang Palace]

Vengeful Spirit: You…… Shi Huangdi: Ah, We are truly painful to look at. Indeed, We had steeled Ourselves, but…… Looking at Ourselves again is so repulsive it nauseates Us. Vengeful Spirit: Oho…… That form…… We never thought We would reach it. Shi Huangdi: We were truly foolish in Our youth. It isn’t as though We do not understand the extent of that anguish, but such a downfall is unpardonable. Spreading enough curses about to hail a miasma— shouldn’t that have been beyond consideration? The capital was the price paid in exchange for prolonging Our life! Vengeful Spirit: *sigh*…… If the law of death is imposed upon the whole world, then it can also be considered a cure. Under the care of this first emperor, Shi Huangdi, China has finally realized eternal rest. Sion: (“This” first emperor...?) Hold on a second. Stop talking. I have my own personal opinions on using inhumane acts to achieve immortality, but doing it for political measures is outrageous. Even without being soft, there’s no reason to go to these excessive lengths. Just look here. After all, this is a successful emperor that freed themselves completely and achieved what you could not by taking a different path. Shi Huangdi: Ah, no, this isn’t the type of opponent you should instigate…… Vengeful Spirit: And so they are a saint? That’s the height of absurdity! That one is the fool who would reap the future of the world in exchange for their own future! Sion: ー! Shi Huangdi: ……Oho? This is the first time one has seen into Our origin. Well, We suppose that even corrupted, you were still Us. Then, your verdict is that the apex of unsightliness, this city of death, is preferable to the history We had woven? Vengeful Spirit: Aye. We, the Qin Dynasty, will continue beyond death. We shall reign until its destruction! This will become true eternity! Shi Huangdi: We have decided! Both pity and consideration are wasted on you. You are no longer a heavenly being nor emperor. All that remains is simply carrion. That throne is not a place for the dead to dream. We shall return you to your rightful place thusly. After all, isn’t that what this mausoleum was built for?

[fight]

Vengeful Spirit: Guh…… Why do you stop Us? Why do you prune Us? This time, for sure, the Eternal Qin…… Our peaceful reign…… Even though We could finally see the signs…... Shi Huangdi: Coming from Us, whose life can no longer cross into the realm of death, any advice is useless. Even so, let’s see. Do not be angry. Do not lament. For even if you alone will not bear its burden, humanity itself may somehow manage yet, surprising though it may be. Vengeful Spirit: What foolishness…… There is only Us…… Only the emperor, the Alpha and Omega…… is able to carry the fate of this world…...

[it disappears]

Shi Huangdi: Ah, how tiresome. That was like coming across someone doing a dramatic reading of Our entire dark history. Well, We did what We had to do. Let us return quickly. We cannot stand the air in this corrupted palace for another minuteー no, not even another second. Sion: You did what had to be done…… I wonder. Is that all you have to say about this? Shi Huangdi: More or less? Were you expecting something else? Sion: ……No. You were able to resolve this Singularity pretty reasonably. Good work as a Servant. You too, Guda, good job. Then, let’s head back.

[we Reyshift back]

Da Vinci: Yes, yes, bang up job this time, too. Well done! Now then, go take a shower and rest up. You can report back later. Mash: Huh? This isn’t standard protocol…… Da Vinci: Well, some stuff came up. I gotta adjust the machinery and such, ya’know. Oh, Shi Huangdi, could you stay a little longer? There’s something I’d like your help with. Shi Huangdi: Hm?

> Well then, I’ll take you up on your offer > Please excuse me

[we go; scene is still the control room]

Holmes: With this I trust all the details of the case have been disclosed? Then, all that remains is to solve the mystery. Shi Huangdi: Oh my, out with Guda and in with the detective makes for a truly detestable atmosphere. Ah, that reminds me, We do believe We had promised to have some dim sum with Shuwen. What an unfortunate time to forget. Then, if you’ll excuse me…… Holmes: Stop with the transparent lies. Why don’t we start talking. Da Vinci: We’ve already observed numerous Singularities, both large and small. Combining that with the data received from my previous incarnation, I have enough samples to be able to classify everything depending on trends observed. Therefore, I can draw this conclusion. This Singularity was not a natural occurrence. The pattern corresponds to the construction being from that of intentional outside interference. Shi Huangdi: And you suspect We are responsible? No, you overestimate Us completely. Certainly, Our form is that which is expected of Us as a Servant in this world, though as a supreme ultimate being it is the implementation of a modern human frame. Looking at it from another perspective, We are nothing more than an individual with nothing to Us, supreme only in name. We could not possibly reach the authority We once had in Our sacred mechanical body that once controlled all the world. Da Vinci: Thank you for being so eloquent, and for making your excuse as long-winded as physically possible. It’s true that as a Servant, Guda has the means to control you with a Command Spell. However…… it’s a different story if you were to regain the power you once had in your Lostbelt. Shi Huangdi: Well, We intended for you to forget your vigilance in your awe. Is it even possible that the feat of creating Singularities would be available as We are now? Actually, in the first place, it was an artificial Singularity. Is that possible? Da Vinci: In theory. However, it would require a Reyshift or some other equivalent means. Shi Huangdi: In other words, the machinery here has been used fraudulently by someone? Sion: Even if you want to ridicule it as a security system riddled with holes, I’ll reject that notion. As a hacker myself, I won’t say anything about a “perfect security system,” but if we’re talking about Novum Chaldea’s equipment, I can affirm that it’s impossible to operate the system without leaving a trace. Holmes: Rather, we should consider the possibility of someone other than ourselves implementing a Reyshift system. Shi Huangdi: If we’re talking about “possibilities,” then they’re endless. Especially considering that it might be a common technology in the future? Holmes: Finding the suspect ー in this case, the one who implemented the system ー is possible, even without jumping to such extreme leaps in logic. One would simply have to acquire the Animusphere’s theories, the Laplace software, and have a means of computing comparable to Trismegistus…… if we consider who can satisfy all those requirements, the conclusion is nearly at hand. Da Vinci: Well, this was borne from my own carelessness, but Shadow Border, at the time of entering the Chinese Lostbelt, contained backup data from Antarctic Chaldea that had been evacuated just in case. I never imagined that the entire vehicle might be captured and analyzed. Sion: Furthermore, your other form on-site was that of a supercomputer that ruled over and controlled the planet. It really is a shame I wasn’t able to see it directly. And there was no chance to know the details of what happened afterward.  Holmes: Indeed. After we left, the Chinese Lostbelt as an externally observable object disappeared promptly. However, it is impossible to know how much time passed within the Lostbelt itself. If there wasn’t a sudden collapse, but instead a grace period in which the data obtained from Shadow Border could be fully analyzed…… Sion: And, the most damning evidence was a statement made by the other emperor who was out of control in that Singularity. You were able to detect the pruning event with a single shot. At the time, it was a skillful deception, but logically it was impossible. The only possibility is…… Holmes: The Shi Huangdi of that Singularity had already been in contact with you once, in regards to the pruning event. The culprit who made the Singularity is not the Shi Huangdi who serves as a Servant of Chaldea, but the Shi Huangdi who was a Lostbelt King…… Am I wrong? Shi Huangdi: Hmmm…… However, after the pruning event is confirmed, what use would it be to Reyshift? A Reyshift cannot grant the falsification of history. At best, it would produce a Singularityー nothing more than a stagnation in space-time. Da Vinci: You’re right. It’s impossible to change the outcome once the pruning event occurs. But if you went back to the past, regardless of a pruning event, there was certainly a time when you rode the waves of history, adding onto itー “compiling” it. Holmes: That answer seems to be why you stuck to Xianyang as the Singularity. The Lostbelt Shi Huangdi established multiple Singularities in stages, trying to see which of them would be detected by Chaldea, right? And that particularity would need an accompliceー a role played by “Servant Shi Huangdi” …… Shi Huangdi: …… Da Vinci: Establishing a Singularity from a Lostbelt, if we assume that there was a Singularity Response that could be observed from pan-human history, it would be from their shared past, and then that point becomes the crossroads between pruning and compiling history. And from there, establishing a Singularity in the past can become a means of interfering with pan-human history. Just like the trap devised by the King of Mages, Goetia.  Sion: I thought they might have intended to do something during the last Reyshift, so I accompanied them, but there was nothing at all out of place. Since that was the case, it was reasonable to believe that there was another prime culprit. Of the traps set, which had been set to target this side of human history……? My aim was to verify that. Or, rather, was your purpose for answering Chaldea’s summons for that purpose? Shi Huangdi: Ah, good grief. Humanity so used to conflict really is lacking in charm.  Da Vinci: There’s no way we could have this conversation in front of Guda. We’re doing it this way because we must confirm your true intentions. Shi Huangdi: Well. In the event that you would accuse Us, We would think that Guda, equipped as they are with Command Spells, would be essential to have present. It’s quite a sweet sentiment especially compared to the sharpness of your deductions. We have misgivings about the future of pan-human history. In any case, We have warned Guda time and time again. That should the mankind of pan-human history prove themselves to be unpardonably hideous beings, We will revive the Qin once more. Da Vinci: Then…… Shi Huangdi: Oops, wait three seconds before you get truly angry. We do not mean to say We will implement that plan immediately. We have no intention of hindering Guda’s efforts. We came to your pan-human history to see with Our own eyes your struggle, and should you fall into trouble, We shall spare no effort to lend Our assistance. After all, We have already abdicated Our throne in favor of a virtuous successor.  Holmes: ……Then why the shady behavior? Shi Huangdi: It is Our belief that hope for the future will be pioneered by Guda, and you allー the “people.” However, faith and trust are two different things. After all, We are a politician. We do not engage in gambling. Should Guda shrink from their duty as a human inhabiting this world at the unprecedented crisis known as the bleaching of humanity …… At that time, We will become responsible for humanity again. “A humanity according to esteemed people.” Da Vinci: ………… Sion: ーRejected. That’s a contract built on the premise of defeat. Is there any other name for that than betrayal? Shi Huangdi: There certainly exist Heroic Spirits that dedicate themselves to Guda under pretense of friendship and conviction. However. Would it be okay if a world that could not be saved by “goodness” met its complete ruinationー We are different than those that cannot overlook disarray. Our bond with Guda is righteous. But to defeat the “Alien God” is an even greater justice. Should there come a time wherein these two ideals need be weighed against each other…… We shall choose the heavier one, without hesitation. Such is the duty of an arbiter.  Sion: …… In short, you assert that this is a means to resist the bleaching of humanity? Shi Huangdi: It’s insurance, so to speak. We are a heavenly being that rules over the world of man. An invasion of earth by something inhuman is something We cannot forgive. In the event of Guda’s complete victory over the “Alien God,” We shall forget Our precautions as a needless anxiety. With the dismissal of all Singularities, We shall celebrate this victory of the people. Of course, that was the plan all along. Sion: Good grief. All this talk is hard to believe after seeing another Shi Huangdi who fell into the depths of their delusions at the end of their ambition just a little while ago.  (Agh, I really can’t recognize this person as Their Majesty The Emperor) Shi Huangdi: That is why We keep repeating it. Here We are, living,  2200 years after Our death. Our viewpoint has since changed, and Our worldly desires have perished. You shouldn’t look down on the mental state sainthood achieves.  ……In addition. Considering whether or not this insurance can go as smoothly as We had originally thought, We now possess a smidgeon of anxiety. In the first place, the arrangements for Reyshifting are in no way……  There is another matter that is displeasing. There is a faint smell of heresy. Da Vinci: Heresy? Like what? Shi Huangdi: From the beginning, you all easily saw through Us…… There is no reason why the other Crypters could not do the same thing. Holmes: I’ll tell you in advance that your caution is worthy of recognition. Since it doesn’t seem that you’ll resort to acting rashly. Shi Huangdi: If Guda and everyone else follows Our plan, everything will advance with a rock-solid formation~. Da Vinci: Ahaha. It’s impossible, so just give up. No matter what the reason is, strategies hinging on sacrifices won’t be approved. That goes doubly in Novum Chaldea. Otherwise such a victory would have no meaning. Holmes: ーHm. Although I do agree with some of Your Majesty’s thoughts…… As a matter of practicality, first and foremost must come the felling of the remaining Trees of Emptiness. So long as we have the invader, the “Alien God,” as a common enemy, I do hope our alliance will be maintained. Da Vinci: Yes, it’s safe to say that they bear no malicious intent toward Guda. However, Shi Huangdiー do not forget that we are keeping careful watch over your movements. If you do anything to make that child sad, I won’t forgive you, okay? Shi Huangdi: Then We shall say this. Heroic Spirits. That person is likely the next generation of mankind. We will surely be victorious, no matter what the cost. We shall not need to be roused again.

[in My Room]

Fou: Fou? Fooou! Mash: A- Are you okay, senpai? Did you get sick?

> No, I’m fine > For some strange reason, I got chills……

Mash: ……Okay. You don’t seem to be running a fever. Perhaps someone was talking about you, senpai.

> I hope they’re not saying anything weird…… > Hmm, it’s like I’m carrying a weight on my shoulders……

-

T/N:

* EDIT: Shoutout to an anon for being the real MVP and alerting me that, aside from being a compound in Japanese, the kanji Shi Huangdi uses here are in reference to soul-types in Chinese philosophy. The concepts refer to two different souls that exist within the self, representing yin and yang, but I... don’t really want to turn this into a lesson, nor am I an expert (obviously. since I didn’t catch it while translating) so I’d recommend looking into it if curious/wanting to know more about our emperor!

[dalekofchaos]

My critique of the Sequel Trilogy Lightsaber duels

My biggest problems with the Sequel Trilogy are the blatant rip off and unoriginality, no clear plan at all, lore breaking bullshit, lack of worldbuilding and poor executions of great character concepts. In this post, one of my My biggest gripes with the Sequels is the terrible Lightsaber fights.

The only good duel in my opinion is Finn vs Kylo Ren. This feels raw and powerful. A hardened soldier who has just became familiar to Lightsaber combat vs a trained dark side warrior. Despite Ren's years on training, though, Finn puts up a good fight and is able to hold his own before having his back sliced up. But.....that's what kills the fight for me. Finn's injuries. If this were in the first 6 movies or anywhere in the EU, Finn would be in a wheelchair or in a bacta tank for life. And guess what? A movie later and Finn’s injuries are never brought up again or treated with any severity.

Like Finn’s injuries, Finn’s rivalry with Kylo Ren is dropped for no reason whatsoever and never mentioned again. Finn and Kylo Ren are narrative foils, yet after TFA it’s dropped??? From the start they have been prominent foils to each other: dark from light and light from dark, both in the First Order but in drastically different positions. And Kylo too obviously has strong feelings about his defection. I also believe that Finn is the awakening in the force that Kylo and Snoke felt. Perhaps that is why Kylo focused on Finn and is so angry about him. Finn is also the first person to use the legacy lightsaber and is the first to actually fight Kylo. TLJ could've focused on Finn and Kylo being  narrative foils having a force connection and Kylo wondering why Finn would switch to the Resistance while Finn wonders why Kylo joined The First Order and  Rey standing in the middle of it all wondering with the new realization that her family has a mixed past of good and evil and her questioning where exactly does she belong? The way at the height of tfa when Kylo Ren rejected Han Solo’s offer for redemption and killed him he looked over and noticed Finn. Like they both locked eyes and in that moment was a surge of emotions between them— shock (and some fear) on Finn’s end, and anger on Kylo’s as he shouts at Finn that he’s a traitor— and those circumstances set Finn and Kylo up to be the dynamic for the sequel trilogy. They were foils, and the trilogy had the potential to truly expand on that and see their development in a final standoff/rematch at the very end. But it was wasted, because why have good movies.

Rey vs Kylo Ren. This duel was bullshit from start to finish. Okay, I don't care how force sensitive she is. I don't care that she downloaded Kylo's abilities in the interrogation. ANd I don't give a fuck WHO she turned out to be related to. If you are thrown into a tree, you are gonna be out for at least an hour. I will hand it to them that it feels like a genuine fight, but it just feels cheap when Rey won. It also doesn't make it any better that Kylo's injuries doesn't force him to wear the helmet at all times, his facial wounds are non-consequential. Rey has no prior training. Never held a lightsaber. Rey fighting off thieves with her quarterstaff is not the same thing, it is understandable that Kylo was struggling because of his injuries, but Rey didn’t struggle against Kylo. Even Luke struggled with Vader and Anakin struggled with Dooku. What should have happened is as it looks like Kylo is about to win, Chewie from the Falcon fires his bowcaster to keep Ren at bay and both Rey and Finn make it to the Falcon. This way we can keep Kylo Ren strong and show Rey struggling to overcome Kylo. It will also show This is how powerful he is when injured, so imagine him at his peak. Instead we get a pointless fight instead of Rey and Finn just escaping Starkiller base while Ren collapses due to injuries and Rey beating Kylo served no purpose(the end goal to destroy Starkiller Base was already accomplished) and helped derail their villain of the trilogy.

The Throne Room Duel. Everyone knew that Rey and Kylo would kill the Praetorian Guards. This is a fight with absolutely zero stakes. It's one thing if Rey and Kylo dueled Snoke himself, that might be a good fight. But come on, did anyone REALLY think they would lose? There is no tension in the scene and it is pointless. Kylo Ren and Rey are fighting a faceless a group of guards that we know absolutely nothing about and have literally no purpose in the entire story except for this one fight. We know neither of the characters are going to die because these are just faceless red shirts and there is still like 30 to 40 minutes left of the movie. Terrible editing takes away any enjoyment one might have with the fight choreography, if you've got to literally photoshop out the bad guys weapons in post production to not look stupid you might need to recoreograph the shot. There are multiple times where Rey, Kylo and the guards are just doing motions and actions because they look cool but serve no purpose but to look cool. Kylo stabbing the ground? Pointless. Rey twirling her rave stick around while someone falls behind her, pointless. Not even once do we see them displaying their powers is what cheapens the fight. Kylo Ren is powerful enough to freeze a blaster and a person in place and Rey herself unlocked Kylo’s powers, so the two of them could have easily ended the fight sooner than it was dragged out. Kylo is powerful in the force but he SERIOUSLY could not stop a Praetorian Guard choke holding him and Rey struggled with a guard? Rey and Kylo were stronger in TFA and are just made weaker in the duel with the Praetorian Guards. Kylo could have frozen half of the guards and Rey could have mind tricked the other half into killing the frozen guards and Kylo and Rey could have finished them. They are masters of light and darkness, but they are made weaker. The throne room scene is a symbolization of everything wrong with the movie. It’s all flash, but no substance and the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

All this duel makes me believe is that Rey and Ben should’ve both switched sides in TLJ. Rey gives in to the dark side and Ben returns home. Rey is the most Sith like character if you obey the rules of George Lucas for Light and Dark sides of the force. Ben Solo is more Jedi like throughout the movie until the end. Let me explain. Rey throughout the sequel trilogy has given in to her passion and anger. In the end of TFA Rey gave in to anger and hate to defeat Kylo. and in TLJ she is shown to use anger and hate throughout the movie. She is shown to as Yoda put it “take the quick and easy path to the dark side” gives in to anger and hate in almost every scene before she boards the Supremacy and gave in to the temptations of the dark side water cave. Her dark side actions in TROS speak for itself. Ben is calm and clear minded like a Jedi, he even wants to cut all ties to attachments like a Jedi. Everything we were told of the Jedi and how disciplined they are, Ben displays that in TLJ until after the Throne room fight. Hell, EVEN THE THRONE ROOM FIGHT SUGGESTS THIS. Think about the fact that Ben really does not move or even engage. He just stands there and dodges and swings once when the guard rushes him. Contrast that to Rey, who is clearly being more aggressive with her lightsaber and attacking rather than just being passive. How again is Rey the Jedi and Kylo is the dark side force user in this movie? They’re fighting in the exact opposite way they should be. Rey fights for the kill while Kylo gets a glancing blow in the armor in the opening fight. Their style of fighting in the Throne Room with the Praetorian Guards really suggests that they should’ve switched sides. What they should have done is have Ben realize that Snoke was evil and shows regret for his actions and turn to the light. While Rey feeling betrayed by Luke and the revelation of her family turns to the dark. This would not only be unexpected but would even rival Vader’s “I am your father” twist. And it would logically follow what we’ve seen of these two characters leading up to this point. Rather than just out of the blue Kylo turns angry and irrational and Rey is calm when Ben was calm and rational throughout the movie and Rey was full of anger and hate throughout this movie. You have them follow an arc that makes sense for their individual personalities. Ben is always calm, but he felt betrayed by those on the light, but he comes to realize that betrayal was an incorrect perception and he desperately wants to make amends to Luke and Leia and therefore he should rejoin what he knows in his heart is good. While Rey is full of passion and anger and as that builds up and she realizes that even the great Jedi Luke Skywalker is a disappointment and her family abandoned her, she knows the only person who can live up to her own expectations is herself and that self-centered attitude leads her to the dark side. That would make sense and we would have something to fight for, save Rey from herself or stop her.

Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren. Originally, I thought they were gonna have Luke first send the Walkers’ turboblasts right back at them and use the force to bring down the transports, TIEs and the shuttle and then toy with his nephew like Vader did to him and leave Kylo Ren in defeat and his ruined fleet. In a way he did(minus the ruined fleet), but it took away any tension away by having Luke just be a force projection. He wasn't there. His moment with Leia and 3-PO doesn't feel genuine anymore. And the "duel" if you can call it that is just bad. Luke doesn't have his Green Lightsaber and their blades do not clash. A Jedi is all about defense. But a Jedi will also fight in self-defense to defend others. The argument that Luke did the "most Jedi thing ever" is bullshit. A Jedi will stand up for what's right and face the threat. Instead Luke pulled a practical joke and died pointlessly. I mean if he instead pulled the X-Wing out afterwords and told R2 "Come on R2, we've got work to do." I would forgive that and then we could've gotten a genuine master and apprentice relationship between Luke and Rey and a proper reunion between Luke and Leia. But no, he has to die of force exhaustion. If Palpatine, who uses the force like crack didn't die of force exhaustion, then why did Luke?

The duels in TROS are all equally terrible. Not once did I felt any excitement between Rey and Kylo's duels as I did with Finn and Kylo from TFA. Every Lightsaber duel is forgettable. The fight in Ren's Quarters is just bad. The fight on the Death Star Ruins is just terrible. It's like they both got high on deathsticks and could barley remember that they are both trained with a Lightsaber. Fighting in ruins surrounded by water SHOULD BE EXCITING! But they did everything in their power to make this duel boring, mediocre and lackluster. They act as if they are swinging bats, not Lightsabers. Lightsabers aren’t baseball bats, stop treating them like they are!  

The worst part is that THIS was the final Lightsaber duel of the Star Wars saga. A huge step down if compared to Obi Wan vs Anakin in Mustafar and Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker in the Emperor’s Throne Room, which unlike the previous prequel, had awesome shooting and use of the soundtrack, also being very lengthy.

Then we get the Luke and Leia flashback. The ONLY well choreographed fight scene is a fucking flashback.

Then Ben Solo and the Knights Of Ren. Again, we know the Knights are gonna die. If JJ Abrams bothered to characterize the Knights, then yes they might've had a chance, but like the Praetorian Guards, they exist for background and die pointlessly.

Of Course we don't get to see Palpatine duel wielding his twin Sith Lightsabers and fighting Rey and Ben, cause JJ mr I hate the Prequels can't give the fans any decent Lightsaber fights. Instead of Palpatine facing Rey and Ben in an epic climatic final battle, we get Palpatine killed by his own lightning.

The fights in TFA is adequate at best. TLJ is meaningless. TROS is absolutely terrible and forgettable.

John, Daisy and Adam deserved better choreography than they were given. There's no excuse for the lackluster duels we see in the ST, whether from Rey, Finn or Kylo.

One of the biggest complaints for the Prequels is Lightsaber fights is "they are too choreographed" and anyone who believes this is an idiot. What? You wanted Jedi in their prime to slap sticks like old people? You wanted them to fight like drunken hobos? One of the best things in the prequels was finally getting to see the Jedi finally go all out in some awesome lightsaber duels. The Jedi should be masters at Lightsaber combat. Fight choreography is a good thing. Look at the duels in the prequels. You can like or hate them but the duel between Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon and Maul was great. As was Obi-Wan vs Jango, Yoda vs Dooku and every duel in ROTS. Even The Clone Wars had great fight choreography. There was more planning and choreography in The Clone Wars S7E10 than in the whole sequel trilogy.

Seriously, why wasn't Nick Gillard contacted? He is the main reason why the Lightsaber duels in the prequels were so good. I don't care if too many Lightsabers were a big complaint amongst the Prequel haters, the duels were good. So instead of great fight scenes, you traded great fight choreography for mediocre baseball bat fights?

The choreography is not the issue alone. There is no emotion. In TFA. Starkiller Base was already set to blow, so the fight was pointless. In TLJ there is no emotion at stake for the Throne Room fight and the Resistance already got away prior to Luke's pointless death. Rey vs Kylo doesn’t even matter because the characters HAVE THE SAME GOAL. Both want to get to Exegol via a wayfinder before the duel and both get to Exegol with a wayfinder (or memory of it) at the end of the duel. While Kylo gets redeemed, the duel wasn’t necessary for this part as Leia just needed to talk to him and then give him the force induced memory. The only thing this proves is that Rey is not a Jedi because she gives into anger and blind rage to start the duel.

The duels in the prequels and originals had themes, emotion and meaning. Not just that but they looked damn impressive and was the spectacle that helped made Star Wars, Star Wars.

There isn't any good musical scores for any of the Lightsaber fights either or at the very least, nothing memorable. Nothing as iconic as Duel Of Fates, Battle Of Heroes and the Throne Room fight in ROTJ. I don't remember any themes in the Sequels and that's a problem.

And it doesn’t help that these duels have no meaningful deaths either. A bunch of faceless guards and Luke (through indirect means) are the only deaths via a duel. But this is what happens when you hide the mentor archetype on an island and have the hero and villain go at it for three films.

The Lightsaber duel is no longer an emotional spectacle and a grand duel to the death. It's a bunch of idiots high on deathsticks fighting pointlessly and fighting for absolutely nothing. Rey fights like a Sith but she's a Jedi. Ben fights like a Jedi but is leading the First Order? They don't matter anymore and the duels in the sequels are the most forgettable thing about them.

[accio-that-gay-shit]

I swear, Malfoy. || Drarry Oneshot

5th year where Harry and Draco get themselves into a little bit of a sticky situation ;) ;) 

"You're doing it wrong, Potter!" Draco snapped at Harry, smacking his hand away from the potion.

"I'm following the damn instructions, you git!" Harry retaliated, causing Draco to merely roll his eyes.

"You're following them wrong, obviously. You're stirring it the wrong way, cutting the vegetables wrong, and you're even adding them in, in the wrong order! Do we need to get you new glasses Potter? Because it doesn't seem like you can read!"

"God damn, Malfoy! I know what I'm doing! Just trust me."

"And why in the bloody fucking hell would I do that..?"

"Because-"

"Because you're the chosen one? Because you have a bloody scar on your forehead? Because you're a Gryffindor? Why in the hell should I listen to you?"

"Well if you'd let me finish-"

While the two boys argued, they left the potion simmering too long. It started to bubble, and bubble. Until...

A loud explosion like sound filled the room. The shimmery green potion blasted onto the two rivals. The entire class turned their heads, to see the cause of the noise.

"Let go of my hand, Potter!"

"I can't! You need to let go!"

"If I could've, i would've done so long ago!"

The two boys tried to tug their hands apart, but they seemed to be stuck together by a force, that the two of them were not powerful enough to overcome on their own.

The two stomped up to professor Snape and glared daggers at one another. If looks could kill, these two would be even more dead then Lily and James on that Halloween night.

"Professor!" Draco whined, tearing his eyes away from Harry. "We have a problem!"

Harry glared at the blonde Slytherin and rolled his eyes. Severus Snape raised a brow at the two of them, and looked them up and down.

"This is nothing new, Mr. Malfoy." The drawling voice of Severus Snape spoke sarcastically, causing Draco to groan.

"Professor! Now is the time!" Draco held up their hands and glared at it, as if it would magically allow their hands apart.

Snape had to stifle a snort as he saw the boy's hands. The two were always at each other's throats and this sight, was a priceless moment that he'd never let them live it down.

"Let me see your hands" Snape said as the boys slowly moved their conjoined hands to the greasy adult. He pulled out his wand and ran a few spells over it. "Well, the good news, is that its not permanent. "

"How long?" Harry demanded.

"A month."

"A month?!" The boys exclaimed at once.

"I can't be touching this for a whole month!"

Harry glared at Draco and rolled his eyes. "Is there any way to shorten the time we spend like this..?" He questioned, moving his gaze back to the Potions master.

"no. So get used to sleeping in the same bed, taking the same classes, and sitting at the same table in the great hall for the next month." The two boys groaned at once, causing Snape to roll his eyes.

At dinner, Harry immediately pulled Draco towards the Gryffindor table, much to Draco's dismay. Students stared as the two walked in, hand in hand. Harry sat down, and pulled the blonde down next to him, earning a yelp from the Slytherin. Hermione and Ron raised a brow at the pouting Slytherin then moved their gaze to Harry, demanding answers.

"Potions accident caused our hands to be like this" Harry held up their hands "for a month."

Hermione and Ron gave him looks of pity.

Draco stared at his plate and rolled his eyes. Harry glanced at him and raised a brow. "You can still eat one handed, you know."

Draco rolled his eyes once more and scoffed. "I know, that. I'm not stupid"

"I beg to differ.." Ron muttered and Draco glared at him. "What?"

"Don't you dare, Weasel. Don't act all innocent."

"I'm not acting innocent, ferret."

Draco's glare deepened and he clenched his fist that wasn't holding Harry's. Harry noticed, however and did the thing that first came to mind to stop them from fighting.

"Don't call me ferr-" he stopped and looked at his and Harry's conjoined hands, where Harry was rubbing circles on the back of Draco's. "What in the bloody fuck are you doing?"

Harry just shrugged, but didn't stop. Hermione and Ron eyed Harry curiously and he waved his hand to dismiss any ideas that they had.

After dinner, Snape then showed them the room they'd be staying in. It was a nice room, with scarlet colors (much to Draco's dismay) with one king sized bed.

"One bed?" Draco said with disgust, looking up at his godfather.

"Well, yes. Seeing the circumstances there's no other way" Snape said with a roll of his eyes.

"We could push two beds together." The blonde muttered and the two others in the room rolled their eyes.

"It's basically the same thing, Malfoy. You'd still have to sleep next to me either way" Harry raised a brow

"Precisely." The professor agreed before leaving the room.

Draco sighed and looked around. He scoffed. "Disgusting choice of colors."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Just, come on. I'm tired and in need of sleep."

"Potter?"

Harry looked at him. "Hm?"

"How do we get changed?"

"I swear, Malfoy. It's not that hard. We simply Diffindo the sleeves, and then fix them right after. You're a wizard aren't you?"

Draco rolled his eyes and looked away. "Shove off Potter. "

After immense amount of struggle, they are dressed and in bed. Draco is facing away from harry, and Harry is facing Draco's back.

Harry stared at back of the blonde's head. He sighed and fell asleep.

The scarred male was jolted awake by his arm being pulled. His eyes shot open. He was about to go off on Malfoy about waking him up, when he saw the condition he was in.

The Slytherin was shaking and was curled into a ball. He tried to force back the tears, but that wasn't working. He had his other hand over his mouth the muffle the sobs.

"Malfoy..?" Harry whispered softly. Draco just shook his head. Harry tried to rub circles on the back of his hand once more, and it seemed to work a little.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Draco trying to calm down. He had woken up from a nightmare about his father, and he couldn't stop himself.

After he calmed down enough, where he wasn't spilling tears and the sobs weren't threatening to sound. He was still shaking, but not as much.

"What happened..?" Harry asked quietly.

"Nothing." Draco snapped back harshly and Harry sighed.

"Mal- Draco it was obviously something, you were-"

"Shouldn't you be enjoying the experience of seeing me vulnerable? Great, now just don't tell anyone."

Harry shook his head. "I wouldn't enjoy that, I don't want to see anyone as scared like that-"

"I don't need your pity."

Before Harry could say something back, Draco stood up, as an effect, Harry was pulled up as well.

Draco grabbed his wand and recklessly cut the sleeves so he could slip it off his arm. Harry grabbed his wand hand with a look of worry on his face.

"Careful! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Draco just glared at him and rolled his eyes. After he finished changing he looked to Harry. "Aren't you going to change...?"

Harry shrugged, and the blonde groaned. "I will not be stuck to someone who doesn't change out of their dirty clothes"

"Oh well, you're going to have to, because you can't make me." Harry said

Draco glared and took that as a challenge. He unbuttoned the other's shirt with a stern look. He carefully Diffindo'd the sleeve and pulled it off of Harry, he grabbed another shirt and threw it at the boy.

"There. Now you have to put this on, or else people will question why you're holding my hand, and without a shirt. It'll be suspicious, don't you think?" Draco smirked and Harry rolled his eyes, glaring.

Harry put it on, mumbling something about him being a prat.

"Now do I need to do the same with your pants?" Draco's smirk grew and Harry blushed.

"No. Turn away"

Draco obeyed and looked away, letting the other change one handed.

After they were changed, they headed down to breakfast.

"My table" Draco said pulling Harry before he could argue. They sat down in front of Pansy and Blaise.

"Potter." Pansy addressed with a nod.

"Parkinson" Harry looked at her. Blaise was smirking at Draco who was glaring daggers.

"How's this incident treating you two?" Pansy asked as Harry took a bite of his food.

"It's a struggle" Harry shrugged as he glanced at Draco, who was pushing his food around with a fork. "do I need to feed you? You didn't eat dinner."

Draco looked at him with a raised brow. "What? No."

"Then, eat."

Draco didn't respond and tried to make conversation with Blaise. Harry glared and pulled Draco's plate closer to himself. He took the fork, put a bit of food on it and raised it. He took his chin and forced Draco's gaze onto himself. Harry squeezed their conjoined hands tightly.

"God damn! Careful Po-" Harry took the chance of Draco's mouth being open and pushed the fork inside. He glared at Harry and chewed it up before muttering "prat."

Harry smirked. "Now continue to eat, or I'll continue to feed you"

Draco rolled his eyes but took the plate back nonetheless. Pansy and Blaise shared knowing looks.

Back in the dorm, Harry and Draco were sitting on the bed in silence.

"Potter?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you do that, at breakfast?"

"Because."

"Do you care about me?" Draco asked in a mock tone

Harry rolled his eyes, but didn't respond.

"Potter?"

"What?"

"You care about me."

"... I swear, Malfoy-"

"And I care about you."

[barrybluejeansandbestjeanist]

Notes on the Artemis Fowl movie by yours truly.

Bear in mind I wrote these while watching the movie. There’s a lot of them.

1. If you think the police and/or reporters would ever be anywhere near fowl manor you’re wrong.

2. Mulch isn’t bad so far but he’d never be caught by police. 

3. Is our first introduction to Artemis him running? I think not thank you very much. 

4. Plus it looks like he’s going to do some water sport. Also wrong.

5. Surfing!!??!!?

6. Artemis doesn’t have even close to the coordination to do that.

7. I don’t even think he knows how to swim. 

8. He doesn’t love Ireland.

9. Of course he doesn’t love school! Have you seen his teachers’ remarks on him? They aren’t nice.

10. It was a boys-only school but that’s definitely one of the smaller offenses.

11. He did do the chess thing if I recall correctly.

12. Same for the opera house.

13. He didn’t clone a goat or name anything Bruce.

14. Unusual is an understatement. 

15. Dr. Po?!

16. Fake chair! Yeah!

17. That exchange from the Arctic incident wasn’t a bad choice to include. Too early though I think. We’ll see how the rest of the movie goes. 

18. He’s got blue eyes. At least there’s that.

19. He doesn’t have a biography!

20. His mom isn’t dead! Disney is just scared of showing mental illness.

21. If you think Angelina Fowl can’t control Artemis you’re wrong. She calls him Arty for god’s sake. He loves his mom.

22. Mysterious absences my ass. He’s the one that should be presumed dead.

23. “This is a sensitive area doctor” sure.

24. Fake chair ftw. 

25. The burden of his father’s name?! He’s proud of that name.

26. This scene wasn’t so bad. We’ll see how the rest of the movie fairs.

27. Who does he think he is? He Artemis freaking Fowl!

28. Skateboarding! I’m about to have an aneurysm.

29. Also, why is he wearing jeans? Get this man a suit!

30. He did not like being at home with his dad. Not in the first book anyway. His parent being out of the way allowed him to do what he did.

31. His dad’s actor looks good for the part.

32. His father is a criminal. World-famous. He did not just deal with antiques and rarities.

33. His dad also didn’t care for fairytales.

34. Music’s nice I guess. 

35. Why is arty wearing a hoodie?! He would never!

36. Artemis was not taught about fairies. He discovered them himself with basically no help.

37. So much physical contact between Artemis sr. and jr. No.

38. His dad did not believe in any such legends.

39. They shared only a passion for crime and that didn’t even last.

40. He wasn’t determined about any such thing. See point 36.

41. He wasn’t preparing Artemis for anything like that.

42. Fairy stones? What are those?

43. There was no peace made between humans and fairies.

44. Tuatha De Danaan? What is that?

45. Artemis would want to get to the point I guess.

46. His work was not coming to an end. What is going on? Can we meet Holly soon?

47. I’m ten minutes in and suffering.

48. Artemis wasn’t really one to smile unless things were going his way.

49. You are a child! You are still a kid! You’re like a literal baby still!

50. The whole point of him being 12 in the books was that he could still believe in magic as well as science. Wtf is going on?

51. I do know the Hill of Tara.

52. I take issue with “all I really want is to believe in you” but I don’t have time to get into it here.

53. He’s still wearing a hoodie. >:(

54. Hugging his dad. No.

55. I will accept the helicopter on the front lawn if only because it seems one thing that could’ve happened in the books. 

56. Where are the Butlers? Why are neither of the fowls being guarded? I need more Juliet and Butler in this movie NOW.

57. And Holly.

58. Pretty sure they don’t have a lighthouse. Also, pretty sure fowl manor wasn’t next to the ocean.

59. Might’ve been near a Forrest. I don’t quite remember.

60. Legos?! LEGOS?!??!!

61. Also, star wars? I don’t think Artemis has ever seen a sci-fi movie. He’s too busy making them a reality.

62. Artemis would also not sleep with a book.

63. Why did Butler’s name in the subtitles appear as Domovoi? You know there’s a whole thing about his name and why Arty doesn’t know it right?

64. So his dad disappeared. Not bad. A little late but okay.

65. Everyone has already aired their grievances about Butlers actor so I shall refrain from doing so as well. I’ll just say one word and leave it at that. Eurasian.

66. Also, fowl manor doesn’t look bad. I can accept this house.

67. No no no. No one should be calling him Domovoi. Only Butler.

68. Also, that isn’t the training he had.

69. He is the butler though? I mean. Only sort of but like. ???

70. No. You could not call him Dom or Domovoi. 

71. Very large man in a suit is slightly acceptable.

72. He could totally snap you in half but not without good reason. Come on, guys. He’s a nice guy. Scary, but nice.

73. Like, the dude cooks and gardens and whatnot. How is that not nice?

74. Also, I’m still hung up on the goat thing. Like I don’t deny that he could clone a goat but why on earth would he name it Bruce. Is it a Batman reference or something? I don’t understand this movie.

75. World wide manhunt? Pardon my doubt.

76. Superyacht? Owl star?

77. I get it. It’s a stupid pun.

78. I guess the South China Sea is close enough to Russia.

79. Again. Not an antiquities dealer.

80. Robberies? He ran a criminal empire!

81. Not sure how one would go about stealing the Rosetta Stone or why but sure.

82. I’ve never even heard of Boru’s Harp.

83. Nor the book of kells.

84. Why are you calling Butler Dom???

85. Yes! He is a criminal mastermind! Thank you for slightly acknowledging that!

86. Also, Artemis is not that rash.

87. He’s your dad and a criminal.

88. Why must Disney do this to my boy? He was an incredible character, smart, cunning, and a criminal and now he’s just a sort of smart kid. Lame.

89. I swear if this “raspy voice” is opal I will be so disappointed.

90. What is this? Artemis is supposed to be kidnapping fairies, not the other way around!

91. What is this Aculos and why should I care about it?

92. Also, why isn’t it Christmas? You could at least set it in winter. For crying out loud.

93. That isn’t word for word Artemis. I know you can remember it exactly.

94. I’m starting to think Orion is better than this fool.

95. Why is he wearing a hoodie?!??!???!

96. Just going to have a secret basement full of whatever secret stuff shoved in there because of course.

97. Also. As if butler would know about any of this.

98. Bunch of bottles of water. Okay.

99. ‘Cause Artemis Sr. totally knew about the fairies. 

100. This is a stupid basement.

101. I’m so done with this.

102. Ah yes! An important journal! Predictable.

103. Stupid poem. Stupid way of finding the journal.

104. That was opal I see. I’m dying.

105. Beechwood. Isn’t that guy related to Holly or something? Also, not from the books.

106. Yes, Arty fairies exist. Surprising no one.

107. I like how they made the city look I suppose. And they kept the name the same. Of course, it must be noted that not all fairies live in haven. There are other cities.

108. Why is holly a baby? She shouldn’t look like a child. Also, tons of people have already spoken on holly’s appearance as well so I won’t say anymore.

109. Koboi mentioned. It was totally opal.

110. The fairies don’t look bad either. Though I don’t know if the little things are supposed to be goblins or what?

111. I guess not. These goblins also seem way too smart.

112. “You and I would make a great team” foreshadowing.

113. I do think mulch being taller is kinda funny.

114. Briar Cudgeon looks about how I expected. Do you think he’ll get his face melted?

115. Opal and Cudgeon working together. Unsurprising if a bit early.

116. You spy or you die. The CIA’s motto.

117. L.E.P. Recon. Nice.

118. I’m also not going to address the changing of roots gender and the fact that Holly is supposed to be the first female officer because again, many people have spoken at length about that. Still upset though.

119. Kelp and Verbil are around I see.

120. What is the Aculos? Like I get that it’s a weapon by why should I care?

121. Also, I think Root should be smoking.

122. Holly’s father? Why should he matter or even be a part of this?

123. They kept Holly 84. Good.

124. Reinforcements? Juliet?!!!!

125. She’s 12? She’s supposed to be sixteen! No!

126. Niece!!!! She’s supposed to be his sister.

127. Also, screw Disney for changing the fairy alphabet so we can’t read it.

128. Artemis should be able to decode it though. He’s not much of a genius, is he?

129. Foals needs a tinfoil hat and should look way way nerdier.

130. Troll! Time! Yeah!

131. Yeah! Lava chutes!

132. Foaly’s CGI is a little wonky but whatever.

133. So that’s why Holly’s father is important. Stupid.

134. The executors. You mean the council.

135. Don’t just fly over the surface unshielded, you dolt!

136. Butler your camouflage sucks ass.

137. Butler wouldn’t complain.

138. Butler’s eyes are freaking me out. No one’s eyes look like that.

139. The LEP helmets are stupid looking.

140. That isn’t what a troll looks like. Stop it, Disney.

141. Time Stop. Not a time freeze.

142. The magic looks cool.

143. That’s not how a time stop works. But at least it looks cool.

144. I suppose I can accept that’s how they do mind wipes.

145. “This is a strange wedding” is the best joke so far.

146. Why are none of the fairies shielded?

147. Holly has such boring motivation.

148. You shouldn’t just read your dad’s journal Arty. It’s rude.

149. I’m so over arty’s dad already knowing about the fairies as well as this beechwood fellow.

150. Why does this Aculos exist? If it’s so dangerous, why not get rid of it?

151. Opal Koboi. Finally. 

152. Like Arty would ever dress like that. He’d still be wearing a suit and be spotless.

153. “They’re real.” No kidding!

154. Fox!

155. I’m surprised they included trying and succeeding to shoot holly.

156. Kinda wish they’d kept the bury an acorn to get magic thing but small fish and all.

157. Now it’s starting to remind me of the real Artemis Fowl story.

158. Cudgeon is slimy and annoying and I’m here for it.

159. That’s a shitty looking cage.

160. “Not happy” I wonder why?

161. Reflective glasses! Yes! Give me the fowl crew in cringey reflective sunglasses.

162. The Mesmer is done nicely. Love Juliet’s glasses.

163. A flannel and reflective sunglasses. That classic Artemis fowl look.

164. So he did decode their language.

165. The acting isn’t terrible. 

166. Most humans are afraid of gluten how do you think they’d handle goblins is a good line.

167. Again. Not how time stops work but okay.

168. So let me get this right. Instead of the fairy bible which Artemis poisoned a fairy to get they just replaced it with his dad‘s journal. great.

169. Don’t give Artemis a weapon! He’s gonna cut his own arm off!

170. The time freeze does look cool though.

171. I can appreciate them gathering on the beach. That’s kinda cool.

172. Finally a suit! Get this kid properly clothed!

173. Though that tie is a little sus. Why’s it so skinny?

174. That fight scene wasn’t too bad. Again Arty is definitely not supposed to be good at anything physical but it’s whatever.

175. Flair for the dramatic? This is hardly as dramatic as the book.

176. I hate opal’s voice.

177. Waged war on your people? That was 10,000 years ago!

178. Opal’s motives are also super boring.

179. I’m sad we don’t get to see arty practicing his evil smile in the mirror.

180. In one of those pots. From under the rainbow. Fun.

181. Glad they kept the whole while I’m alive stipulation. 

182. Glad to see the goblins still have fire powers.

183. These goblins really shouldn’t be so smart.

184. I hope we get to see mulch unhinge his jaw soon.

185. I do like mulch.

186. This heart to heart is stupid. Artemis wouldn’t trust holly just like that me thinks.

187. I like that mulch is up on all the human pop culture. I do wish he’d make a Gordon Ramsey reference though since he likes him.

188. Mulch not wanting to be tall is excellent character motivation though.

189. Now this is the heart to heart I needed.

190. Is he gonna unhinge his jaw?! I’ve been waiting for this the whole time!

191. Yeah!!!!!!

192. Eat that dirt!

193. Mulch!

194. “What would your parents be?”

195. A really really big dwarf.

196. Sick safe. Nothing mulch can’t handle.

197. That definitely isn’t what I expected from mulch’s hair but that’s okay.

198. Yeah! Holly punched Artemis! Now there just needs to be a lollipop remark.

199. Is that the Aculos? It looks stupid.

200. Also, I do appreciate the inclusion of the iris cam.

201. Opal, you’re so boring.

202. Cudgeon is taking over. Kinda wish it was of his own will because that’s more interesting but whatever.

203. Troll time part two. I doubt butler is going to almost die fighting it. Maybe he’ll wear a suit of armor though. That’d be cool.

204. How is it we’re an hour in and only just now get a d’arvit? Surely many other scenes warranted that.

205. I do like that mulch pickpocketed butler.

206. Don’t just stand in front of the door when A Troll is about to be sent in!

207. The wings do look really cool though.

208. Also, Juliet really shouldn’t be trying to fight a troll.

209. I mean. None of them should but you know.

210. Mulch eating the Aculos is very in character. I’m glad Artemis’s bedroom is being destroyed. It was terrible.

211. While I don’t care for the way the troll looks (Far too human, not enough claws and venom) the amount of destruction it’s causing is appropriate I feel.

212. I guess that’s how the fight can go. 

213. Also, Juliet is so smart and strong yet she can’t pull herself over a ledge? Pathetic.

214. Don’t move butler to a completely different room! He’s got a back injury! You probably just made it worse!

215. Butler isn’t going to die. This is stupid. 

216. Trouble doing the lords work. 

217. I told you butler would be fine.

218. One of the times Butler would nearly die. If we’re following the books then more should follow.

219. Also what is this room they’re in?

220. Butler would not be ashamed to cry.

221. I’m living for everyone’s reactions to where mulch stored the Aculos.

222. I like the way it looks when they get grabbed by the time stop. 

223. She’s gonna save Artemis. Obviously.

224. I like the way it looked when the time stop broke.

225. “Breaking every rule in the book” we haven’t even seen your book! Just his dad’s stupid journal.

226. He and holly should not be friends yet. He kidnapped her!

227. Ooh, forever friends how sweet! Get fucked. Both of you.

228. Now are we in Russia?

229. Opal annoys me so much.

230. So are you trying to tell me that this Aculos is the movie’s version of the book? Holly’s saying that poem.

231. This isn’t how magic is supposed to work.

232. >:(

233. I will admit it looked cool. Begrudgingly.

234. Your dad isn’t dead.

235. He’s in the secret basement that still exists for some reason.

236. Also, I didn’t note this before, but I doubt Arty ever called his dad, dad.

237. Opal is thwarted. 

238. Why she so ugly looking? Pretty sure she was supposed to be pretty.

239. This is so stupid.

240. Opals accomplices, you mean those two dunderheads she had helping her?

241. How are there still fifteen minutes of this torture left?!

242. Again. Butler would not be ashamed to cry.

243. Just wait until Artemis gets magic of his own.

244. I’m so tired. It’s 12:14 at night and I just want this torture to end. Please god just let the credits roll already!

245. And now they’re famous. Whoop de do. Just tell us how mulch gets captured and escapes and end the movie. That’s all I ask.

246. You know he hasn’t been referred to as Artemis Fowl the Second throughout this whole disaster. What a slight to him.

247. Ray bans.

248. Oh yeah. Brag to opal. Great idea. 

249. Criminal mastermind. Juvenile Genius. Same difference.

250. Why is his tie so skinny? 

251. Is he gonna fly the helicopter?! Finally something in character!

252. Now just let mulch escape and finish this godforsaken nightmare!

253. Fowls? Protecting us? Pardon me while I laugh.

254. They do the unhinging of mulch’s jaw nicely.

255. And now they mission impossible him out of there. Perfect.

256. I’m dying. Let it be over. Please.

257. No more!

258. Fly off into the sunset. Of course.

259. Thank god! Credits! I’m free!

260. And another thing! They didn’t have the follow-up scene with Dr. Po! That would’ve been a way better ending! And you can’t just have one scene without the other!

[beetlebitchywitch]

BABE. BAAAAABE. okay but imagine surprising Zhuk for your anniversary at the hotel where he's been staying on a business trip, like he's been missing you so terribly and you just show up, and he's so overjoyed that you're there that he just goes so soft and loving and that's the first time he asks you to marry him. It won't be the last, and it isn't the first time he's wanted to ask but it's the first time he's said it out loud

SO this is based loosely on an ASMR that the lovely @monsterlovinghours and I were listening to together, but now with the lovely Russian hubban! In case anyone doesn’t know, Zhuk is the Russian Mafia Beetlejuice AU that none of us have been able to shut up about because he’s soft. So enjoy!

Warning: NSFW.

The luxurious softness of the comforter beneath Zhuk’s body did nothing to soothe the dull ache in his chest that was swiftly getting on his last nerve. Everything about his hotel room aggravated him- tasteless paintings adorned each wall in garish contrast with the dull beige wallpaper, the comforter, though soft, was horrendously patterned and clashed with the carpet, and Lord help him, the minibar didn’t even supply him with quality vodka to drown his sorrows. God, listen to him, he sounded as bad as Scarafaggio, but the truth was, he simply couldn’t help it. It was your anniversary, and his bed was empty- he’d been away on business for a week already and still wasn’t due home for three days, leaving both of you to suffer through your anniversary alone. Could he be blamed if the drab wallpaper invoked his ire when his malen'kiy tsvetok was not there to brighten the room with her smile? The very thought of you, blushing and beautiful in his arms where you belonged, made him wish to tear the comforter balled in his fists to shreds, as if the gaudy pattern alone was to blame for the pain in his chest. He was fully prepared to drink the cheap booze the hotel so graciously provided for him and plan his own pity party when he was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. Your face on his screen both delighted and pained him, and with a haggard smile, he answered it.

    “Hello?”

    “Hey, moya lyubov.” And oh, his native tongue dripped from your lips like honey; Zhuk couldn’t help but clutch at his chest at the sweet sound of it. 

    “Oh, darling, you must go easy on me,” he pleaded, laying back despondently on the mattress. “Just the sound of your voice is enough to torture me.”

    “Wow, dramatic much?” you chuckled, your voice slightly warbled. “You only have to wait three days before we’re together again.”

    “Yes, and if any of those bastards think they can so much as look at you when I get home, they’ve got another thing coming. We’re missing our anniversary, dorogoy. Scarabee got to spend his anniversary with you!” he complained, pinching the bridge of his nose at the very thought. 

    “That’s because Bee didn’t have very important business out of town on our anniversary. How is that going by the way?” you asked.

    “As well as it can be,” he sighed. “My…ugh, associates are being difficult, but they’ll come to see things my way in due time. You needn’t worry, kukla- besides, I only want to think about you, however much it may hurt.”

“I’m sorry, my love,” you sighed. “I’d be there with you if I could, you know that.”

“I know, I know, just…imagining you, how beautiful you must look right now, it makes my heart ache to be with you. God, I can’t believe I have to miss our anniversary. I could’ve been home days ago had it not been for these useless, good-for-nothing, lowlife-”

    “Zhuk!” you laughed, interrupting his tirade. “You have to relax, you know what happens when you get too worked up.” At that, Zhuk smirked, quirking one eyebrow. 

    “I know what usually happens, little one,” he crooned, his voice rich and sweet like honey. “I usually have a pretty little bird ready to sing for me, don’t I? But fate would have it that we have to be apart tonight, otherwise I would be there to make you sing for me well into the night.” Your face began to warm at the thought of Zhuk on top of you, between your legs, inside of you, playing your body like an instrument and composing a symphony out of your moans…

    …You would have to end your little game sooner than you thought. 

    “Oh yeah?” you asked softly, putting a little extra sweetness into every word. “And how would you manage that?” You could practically hear Zhuk smirk on the other end of the line along with the soft rustling of sheets that meant he was sitting up in anticipation. 

    “You know exactly how, tsarina,” he murmured, letting his mind be taken away into his fantasy. “How many times have I had my hands on your beautiful body, hmm? I’ve worshipped you with all that I have so many times I think I could map out the spots that make you moan the prettiest for me. I know exactly how to take you apart, piece by piece, until you have no choice but to cum, trembling in my arms and singing so sweetly…would you like that, dorogoy?”

    For a moment, you couldn’t speak. You nodded as if Zhuk could see you, biting down on a finger to keep from moaning aloud at thought of him worshipping you the way he wanted to. You could feel your thighs trembling in anticipation, but you needed to wait. Just a little longer.

    “And oh, moya zhena, after I’m done with you…I will finally get to hold you in my arms. A single day without getting to see you is painful enough, but to go an entire week and not be able to hold you close, to feel your warmth…a man could go mad,” he said softly, his voice laden with longing. Your breath caught in your chest at the sudden switch in tone, your heart softening at the sweetness of his words. “When you’re pliant and sated for me, my love, I’ll lay you against my chest and feel your heartbeat race, press my lips to your hair and simply be with you…oh, dorogoy, I miss you so much…” His voice trembled as if he was going to cry, and your resolve finally broke. 

    “Zhuk, my love…you don’t have to miss me anymore,” you said, quickly rushing to where you needed to be. 

    “What do you mea-…there’s someone at the door,” he said, his question interrupted by a quick series of knocks. “Give me a moment, my dear.”

    Zhuk took a moment to straighten his shirt before striding swiftly to the door, throwing it open to find…oh.

    In an instant you were swept into his embrace, his strong arms wrapping around you and pulling you inside the room. You buried your face in his chest, inhaling the scent of cigar smoke that you’d grown to love and miss so much as he murmured into your hair, “Moya lyubov’, moya dorogaya, o moya zhena, ya tak po tebe skuchala…” You let out a sigh from deep in your chest, relaxing into his arms as he continued to whisper sweet words you couldn’t understand. 

    “Surprised?” you asked. You looked up to send him a sweet smile and gasped at the sight of unshed tears sparkling in his eyes. 

    “Of course I’m surprised, how are you even here? Where have you been?” he asked, quickly wiping the tears away from his wild eyes. 

    “I was hiding down the hall. You know, human beings have invented these wonderful things called planes,” you said slyly, moving your hands up to rest them against his broad chest. “You should try them someti-”

    He silenced your teasing with a firm kiss, pulling you as tightly into his arms as he could as the feeling of his kiss made your fingers curl into his sweater. You kissed him back with equal fervor, your head swimming as if you were getting drunk off the taste of him and the feeling of his large hands spread across your back. He pulled away, but only an inch, leaving the tiniest of gaps between  your lips. 

    “I believe I promised that I’d make you sing, kukla,” he crooned, his warm breath puffing out over your lips. You hummed, smiling softly as you lean in to softly peck his lips.

    “Then you better keep your promise,” you whispered. You met his eyes for the briefest of moments before he was taking your lips again with a growl, his fingers clawing at your jacket to swiftly unbutton it and throw it to the floor. You became a tornado of hands tearing at clothing, both of you working quickly to rid the other of your shirts before getting caught up in another kiss as you tumbled to the bed, Zhuk hovering overtop of you as he worked to rid you of the rest of your clothing. He groaned in satisfaction at the sight of you, bare and waiting, and he couldn’t stop himself from dragging his lips across your skin like a paintbrush across canvas, painting splotchy bruises across your neck and chest and only being spurred on by your moans. 

    “Mm, dorogoy, I’ve missed the way you taste,” he groaned, taking one of your nipples into his mouth and grinding his hips into the bed at the sound of your pinched off cry. He released it, teasing it with the tip of his tongue before continuing lower, nibbling at the softness of your tummy while his fingers traveled up your inner thigh, the teasing touch sending heat to pool in your stomach. You bucked your hips with a soft gasp as his fingertips slowly but surely came to tease your clit, feeling Zhuk smirk against your skin as he came to be eye-level with your pussy. “Sing for me, won’t you, little one?” With a little wink, he slowly dragged his tongue over your clit, holding eye contact with you for a split second before you threw your head back with a high-pitched cry. His tongue continued to tease you while his fingers prodded at your entrance, two sliding in after a moment and stretching you so beautifully. 

    “Z-Zhuk…mm, fuck,” you whined, his fingers curling inside of you perfectly and sending waves of pleasure to the tips of your toes. “God, you feel so good, I fucking missed you.”

    “I missed you too, moya zhena,” he groaned, pressing a reverent kiss to your clit as he continued to stretch you, preparing you to take him fully. “Mm, I missed hearing you moan for me. I knew you’d sound so sweet when I finally had you, but…oh, my dear, you exceed all expectations.” 

    You keened at his sweet words and even sweeter kisses, his free hand grabbing at your thigh and spreading them wider to better accompany him as his tongue and fingers continued to drag you closer and closer to your climax. Your moans grew louder as his fingers drove into your most sensitive spot over and over again, his lips sucking mercilessly at your clit and vibrating with a moan as you dug your fingers into his hair. Just as you felt like you were going to fall over the edge into a pleasurable oblivion, he moved away, chuckling at your objecting whine. 

    “No need to worry, kukla,” he said with amusement. “I’m going to give you exactly what you want.” 

    He came to hover fully over you again and you gasped at the feeling of the head of his cock prodding at your entrance. His hand cupped your cheek, forcing your eyes to meet his as he slipped inside, groaning at the feeling of your wet heat enveloping every inch of him. When he finally bottomed out, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, nuzzling into his touch and pressing a light kiss to the center of his palm. His eyes bore into you intensely, and you could feel his hips shift a little as he tried desperately to remain still and give you time to adjust to the size of him. 

    “I’m alright, moy lyubov,” you reassured him, pressing another kiss to his hand before gazing up at him pleadingly. “Move…please…”

    Zhuk let out a deep sigh and pulled out a bit before thrusting back in, shuddering at the feeling of your pussy gripping his cock as he moved. He picked up the pace at the sight of you, head thrown back and tits bouncing as he fucked you, and mouth hanging open as you let out beautiful moans. God, you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, and he could never get enough of you. Not even for a second…not even for eternity.

    “Marry me, dorogoy,” he moaned, thrusting perfectly into your G-spot and growling at the sound of your cut off whine. “Oh, my love, moye sokrovishche, moy yedinstvennyy, vykhodi za menya…”

    “What?” you asked bewilderedly. “Zhuk, I-oh, fuck-I can’t understand you.”

    “Marry me, sweet one,” he said again, leaning down to take your lips in a long, languid kiss as he drove into you over and over again, his thrusts growing erratic and off-rhythm. “Be my wife, be mine forever, oh god, so close, cum for me!” 

    God, there were so many things happening at once. Zhuk’s cock was driving into you so perfectly, your pleasure clouding your mind with fog, but not enough to not recognize that he just asked you to marry him and cum for him in the same breath. The latter seemed the most likely, your body trembling in his arms as it chased its pleasure, climbing to heights you’ve rarely ever known before finally hitting that peak. Your fingers scrabbled for purchase at Zhuk’s back as you came, and came, and kept cumming until it felt like your body would simply fall apart. You felt his teeth sink into your shoulder as he followed soon after, groaning harshly as he spilled inside you. You took what seemed like days to come down from that high, so long that you hadn’t even noticed he’d moved you to lay on his chest. You finally looked up to see him smiling softly at you, his fingers carding gently through your hair. 

    “There she is,” he murmured, his chest still heaving with heavy breaths. “Have you returned to me, dorogoy?”

    “Mmhmm,” you hummed, pressing a soft kiss to his pec. “That was…fuck, that was so good.” 

    “Mm, I agree,” he said, taking one of your hands in his. “But you still have not answered me.” It took you a moment to clear the fog from your mind, but then you remembered and gasped softly, your heartbeat beginning to pick back up. 

    “I…did you mean that?” you asked. When you looked into his eyes, you could tell he was nothing but serious, but you wanted to hear him say it. You needed to hear him say it. He lifted your hand to his lips with a soft chuckle, pressing a reverent kiss to your knuckles. 

    “I meant it more than I’ve ever meant anything,” he murmured, gazing into your eyes intensely as if to convey his seriousness with one look. “I never wish to be apart from you, tsvetok. You came into our lives like a firecracker, but you’ve never fizzled out. You took our gray, boring lives and filled them with color, and I never want to lose that. I never want to go back to who I was before I met you, so I’ll ask again…will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” 

    You paused. A million questions ran through your head. Would you marry the others as well? Would you be able to invite your friends and family to your wedding? And most importantly, were you ready? Were you ready to commit yourself fully and completely to them? But looking into Zhuk’s hopeful eyes, swimming unshed tears and taking you in like a work of art…you could only come to one answer.

    “…Yes. Yes.”

    He was on you before you could blink, his lips enveloping yours in a desperate, overjoyed kiss, his hands grabbing at you and refusing to settle on one place for too long. You kissed him back just as fiercely, laughing against his lips as his hands finally rested on your waist, his thumbs stroking your skin as he peppered little kisses to the corner of your mouth. 

    “Oh, my love, I’m…I’m so happy,” he said emphatically, pulling back to look you in the eye, his own brimming with tears. “Are you happy?” You hummed with a soft nod, unable to keep a warm smile from spreading across your face.

    “I’ll be happier once you get me a ring,” you said with a wink, getting a teary laugh from your now fiance. 

    “Not to worry, dorogoy…” he murmured, leaning down to kiss your forehead before letting your rest on his chest once more. “Once I get you the ring, I’ll just ask you again.” 

    Little did you know that even after you were married, Zhuk would continue to ask you to be his bride. If you brought him tea to the smoking room on a cold winter night, he’d spin his wedding ring on his finger and ask you to marry him. If you woke him gently in the morning after a night of making love, he’d drag you into a kiss and beg you to stay with him forever. Even after a fight, when you’re both stewing in your own anger and feeling alone, he’d come up behind you, press a kiss to the nape of your neck, and ask you to be his wife. No matter the occasion, no matter the mood, there was never a bad time for Zhuk to ask you to marry him, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

[creativefiend19]

Raven cycle asks 5 11 24 :)

Hey Anon! Thanks so much for the Asks. I’m loving them!

I already answered 5 :) Seems like a popular one!

 *

11. Opinions on Kavinsky?

Right. Not pulling any punches are you? This is going to be a long one (I’m tempted to make a Kavinsky-style ‘that’s what he said’ joke here, LOL). Just read the bolded bits if you can’t be bothered to read everything (I wouldn’t blame you.)

(TW: some canon level discussion of physical and sexual abuse, but Kavinsky is his own warning anyway, right?)

I’m not actually going to answer about Kavinsky as a Person. Because, y’know, he’s to your taste or not. But I’m really interested in Kavinsky as a CHARACTER. How Maggie uses him to move the plot forward, why was he in TDT anyway. Here is my list, in no sort of order:

A. He was the villain of the piece. Very true, IMO. K was Coded to be the villain of TDT. We’ll come back to this in a bit.

B. He was Ronan’s gay awakening. Really tho? Idk. He did bring the Gay motif to the fore, I grant you. But the sex dream featured both K and Adam. And pretty much anything K said to Ronan about being gay was a slur or a joke or full of not very subtle internalised homophobia. Except maybe when he says to Ronan: Don’t tell me you don’t swing that way. This is K at his most authentic and vulnerable - no jokes or slurs now. Just desperation. 

Also, K definitely has low regard for Ronan's personal boundaries. Although, his dialogue about consent being overrated and 'sometimes you just gotta take it'? I've always wondered if the 'take it' hinted at K actually being a survivor of sexual abuse, rather than the more obvious indication of him being only the abuser.

(However, I love that little trip Ronan has of: does K have 3 balls, is he Gay etc. Lol)

But there is no doubt about the fact that K is, well, sexy – to put it frankly. Not just sleazy sexy, like bad boy sexy, but legitimately has animal magnetism. Even sensible Blue feels it a bit, when K enters Nino’s and she’s torn between wanting him to notice her, with his Full and Vulgar Lips, and being relieved that he doesn’t (definitely interesting that she thinks about K ‘swallowing’ her, just like Ronan dreams of later. Those must be Some Lips). Even Gansey is egged on by him at the substance party – with the infamous Molotov cocktails and the ‘dog’ dialogues. Adam seems the only person genuinely unaffected by K.

C. He was Ronan’s Dreaming mentor. Yup. Because Niall bloody Lynch was such a shit excuse for a dad or a responsible dreamer, Somebody had to teach our Hero, so we could have an actual fucking story. 

Ronan needed an Obi-Wan Kenobi. And how Absolutely Brilliant of Maggie to make KAVINSKY Ronan’s mentor! It’s like Darth Vader teaching Luke about the Force:‘In and out like a motherfucking thief, Luke. And, ah, speaking of motherfucking…’ (LOLL I crack myself up sometimes). So, it all immediately becomes hella complicated and interesting and full of possibilities!

Aside: unfortunately for the complexity of the story, Ronan isn’t actually swayed  by the Lure of the Dark. Or the Lure of the Kinky Sex. Or the Drugs. Or the Violence. All of which are supposedly siren calls to Ronan’s self-destructive tendencies. 

D. He showed how much of an asshole Ronan can be. (Okay, I LOVE Ronan to bits. But he’s not a perfect person, and is not meant to be. His flaws are never in question).

Ronan takes advantage of K offering to teach him to Dream and then just - fucks off! Without so much as a thank you, literally. Wham bam thank you ma’am. In fact, it was Ronan who was ‘in and out like a motherfucking thief’ in this situation, to be fanciful about it. Not saying how K reacted to this was in any way excusable, tho, let’s be clear.

But here is where Ronan’s arrogance makes him a POS. And maybe he was influenced by Gansey: We matter Ronan (and K doesn’t). Or maybe Ronan cares about field mice and people he loves and is an absolutely heartless bastard to everyone else. Maybe this is just pre-evolution Ronan and he grows into a less 17- year-old- toxic-masculine- closeted-gay- angry version of himself.

E. He is Adam’s narrative foil. So, here we have two ‘broken’ boys from horrible families, with violence in their backgrounds. Except Adam is poor and K is rich (and born Magical pbly). But K wastes it all on drugs and Dreams. Adam ‘rises above’ the disadvantages of his life, and works three jobs and is coded for Ivy-league greatness. 

F. He is Ronan’s narrative foil. This is who Ronan could’ve been if he hadn’t grown up cocooned in the loving valley of the Barns. (Corollary: so who would've K been, if he'd grown up at the Barns? Interestingly, Adam wonders this about himself in BLLB). 

So, the tools that Ronan uses to veer away from K’s path in life are the tools that make him the Hero of TDT, if not the Hero of TRC. Ronan is the Greywaren. He will not steal from Cabeswater. He is someone with unshakeable principles (mostly!). He loves himself and others (see Albino night horror, and Maggie actually saying: The Lynch brothers love themselves and each other). He is loved in return. 

And so, very much like a goth skinheaded Harry Potter, Ronan is coded to Rise above it all, as the Hero.

Therefore, K is coded to die as the villain.

That is the simple truth, as I see it. He existed to be the Big Bad, teach Ronan to dream, kidnap Matthew, lose the readers’ (and Ronan’s) sympathy, and show how not-K Adam is. And then die in a literal blaze of glory. 

So he’s out of the picture and not complicating the remaining storylines with his seductive presence. His Fatal Flaws make him Lose so the Heroes of the story Win. He is Bad and the Gangsey is Good. These are all understandable, and typical, authorial decisions.

TL;DR: So, in other words, I absolutely LOVE Kavinsky as a character. And I think he is one of Maggie’s most brilliant creations in TRC. And definitely the most tragic.

*

24. Who would you want to do a reading for you?

Thankfully, after that K thesis, this is a short one.

I would love for the three psychics to do my reading together: Maura, Calla and Persephone.

I would actually be very intrigued to have that ‘Tree of Life’ spread done, with All the Fox Way ladies (whom I Adore) and all their very individual card decks, but TBH I don’t want to know That much about my future LOL.

***

Anon – thanks for this absolutely Smashing  ask. It was so much fun for me, I cannot tell you. I hope it was fun for you too, and you don't regret opening this can of worms!

TRC Ask Meme

[virtualreylo]

My review of TROS:

As some of you may know, I went to see TROS on the premier night, and I wanted to give myself a full week to think everything through to see what stil stood out to me. See-the-fuck-below:

I want to first say that TROS was honestly better than I thought it would be, however, IT WAS SO RUSHED.

I felt like we the audience had zero time to actually react to what was happening because this movie literally had two, maybe even three, movies crammed into a single one.

Rush Job / Leia:

We weren’t given the opportunity to actually feel as though Chewie had died, or really get to know Dio, or properly grieve Leia-Effing-Organa-Skywalker-Solo.

Like seriously, what the hell was up with that? This woman had given so much to the Star Wars universe, and the characters along for the ride couldn’t even have a minute to respond and process.

It was always just so “Onto the next thing!”, and I hated it.

Poe/Finn/Rose:

I did like that we were able to kind of get a glimpse of Poe’s background a little more, but when he was given the title of ‘General’, I WISHED they would have also given him just an extra five seconds to process and acknowledge this! That was a huge step for every one around him, and for Leia to do, and it was just glossed over.

With Finn, I hated how he interacted with Rose. Those few seconds reminded me of how we deal with an annoying little cousin. Those two characters literally spent an entire movie together, at least show they’re more than strangers.

I do like how it’s more obvious that he’s force sensitive, but I HATE that JJ made it seem as if he was trying to tell Rey that he had feelings for her or some shit. I mean, if you were paying close enough attention, Finn was telling everyone else around him about it, so it made sense that that was what he was also trying to tell Rey (John Boyega has also confirmed via Instagram that Finn was not trying to tell Rey he loved her). It just could’ve been handled differently, and I don’t think Finn’s story had to be based around Rey, of course, until he met Jannah...

Rose - My, my, my. It was such a shame to see her character pushed to the sidelines in such a harsh way. I understand she may not have needed to be such a big character in TROS, however TLJ made me feel like she was part of the gang.

If JJ wanted to exercise his creativity, he could have included her and formed it in a way where it wasn’t so in your face. Instead, after alllll the backlash and harassment Kelly had dealt with, her character was pretty much trashed, and at a time when female friendship was needed in the Star Wars films.

C3PO/Chewie:

I actually loved C3PO’s humor in this one - But part of me did feel a little betrayed about how easy it was for the gang to decide to just destroy his mind (Its rediculous when you think about it lmao). I am not saying it didn’t make sense, I just wish they would have taken only an extra 5 seconds to be like “Mmm... Are we sure?” - But no, it was always “On to the next thing!”

Chewie - Yall already know that I wanted a bigger reaction to the almost-death. Again, literally 5 seconds more could have made the difference.

In addition, it would have been amazing to see Chewie and Ben interact...

Lando:

Okay.

What the actual fuck?

I seriously felt as though I blinked and Lando just popped up with no acknowledgment.

AGAIN.

I was soooo frustrated, because Lando was a big character that I think a lot of people were looking forward to seeing, and the only one excited to be there, was Lando himself.

Everyone just kinda had the reaction of: “Oh, hey.” on screen. WTF!!!

Hux:

The spy, eh? Full on caps-lock-pissy-mode activated.

HOW FUCKING RANDOM AND THROWN IN WAS THAT?! WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING IN TFA AND TLJ? WHERE WAS THE HELP THEN?? WHY DID HE ALL OF A SUDDEN CARE NOW?!

ALSO, SMALL FUCKING REMINDER, HE STILL WASN’T ON THE RESISTANCE’S SIDE!!!

HE HELPED THEM ONLY TO TAKE KYLO REN DOWN, HE SAID HE DIDN’T GIVE A DAMN WHO WON.

Sorry. The end.

Also, he looked hot af in this movie.

Rey:

Now, let’s get into the heavy.

I, again, hated how rushed this movie was, and that included how they dealt with Rey’s character and growth.

Only one year had passed, you’re telling me she learned all of these powers and moves by Leia? Let’s say that was the case, JUST SHOW US HOW. Even a 10 second clip of just their various training methods or sessions! Anything.

Don’t get me wrong: I know Rey is a Palpatine (Rolling my mf eyes) - so she would obviously be very powerful. But the last we saw of Rey, she was lost and struggling how to move on.

Her saber was broken, she had the Jedi textbooks, and she was lost.

What happened??

Along side this, I was extremely disappointed to find out that she was indeed a Palpatine. I had my theories when TFA came out, but I, along with so many others, loved the fact that she didn’t have to be part of any big name in order to be a strong, self sufficient lead, and I think Rian Johnson did a great job at letting us know and feel that during the mirror/cave scene in TLJ.

Rey’s overall attitude this movie really left a sour taste in my mouth. I get that she was hurt, and angry, and panicking... But, she acted like an ass quite honestly.

But, to me, it kind of played into the dark side of herself, though I wished that was explained a bit more for people that don’t really get into Star Wars as much as we do.

With that said: I wished Rey was still a nobody from Jakku, and that she kept a little bit of her curious/sweet side. And I wished her growth was shown a bit more - Not in just the powers she used against Kylo Ren.

Ben Solo / Kylo Ren:

Can we seriously just take a minute to thank Adam Driver? This isn’t me being up his ass. As an aspiring director, his acting was amazing in this movie, and I feel he really out did himself.

With that said: I, again, hate how everyone’s characters and growth were glossed over in TROS, as if TLJ never happened and it’s really so childish and disheartening. If Abrams wanted to literally skip TLJ, he should have manned up and taken on TLJ himself.

I feel like Kylo Ren was back in his TFA ways; Demanding, with a little charm now. I liked it, but I would have liked it a little more if he actually talked to Rey like a normal human being like he did in TLJ.

(But, Kylo Ren with an attiude? FuCk YeS pLeAsE.)

Ben Solo: Can we all just marry you now? That fucking switch was everything, his ‘Ow’ was everything, his lightsaber throw-age was everything, his interaction with Han was life, and kicking ass and forgetting names was the best fucking time.

I wished he had more lines in the end, literally, how does he barely have any lines as BEN SOLO!!!!

But jesus, the way he literally crawled out of the dark to save Rey was everything.

And that kiss? I could stare at it for hours.

Amazing acting with these characters, brav-fucking-o.

The end (+THAT “death”):

Ben Solo is not dead.

That is not denial.

I think that is the “hope” that JJ kept referring to. There are so many big points that show he isn’t, and I think down the line, we will get another movie with his comeback.

With the end, I hated how Rey didn’t seem to react to his death either, but I think it leads to something bigger: She feels him out there somewhere, in the in-between.

I do not like how she adopted the Skywalker name... I wished she stuck with the “Just Rey.” shit. I lived for that.It’s great, she has some sense of belonging, if that’s what you want to call it... But again, it was thrown together and it isn’t real.

The ending itself was left open: Yellow lightsaber, and walking around on Tattooine? I really doubt she stayed there.

Overall:

I hated how rushed it was, and how JJ tried to erase TLJ (Seriously, if you aim to do that shit to a movie, JUST DON’T TAKE THE JOB, YOU SCARED/POSSESSIVE POS!! Let’s say the movie was split up in two, with the same outcome, but at least TLJ still existed in his world - I would be 100% okay with that!

But, that’s not how it was handled, and we the fandom, were provided a “close” to a saga that we rode with for many, many years just to have it all thrown down the drain without a second thought.

 I do believe a LOT of last minute decisions were made, especially with editing. But I sincerely hope that we get a glimpse into the shit that was left out, at least on the DVD extras, or an extended version of the movie (GOD, PLEASE).

When all is said and done:

- Ben Solo will come back.

- Rey’s story will continue.

- Hopefully we have a director that actually cares about the characters and story.

- I am looking forward to the novelization, the Kylo Ren comics, those DVD extras, and once the dust settles I really want to see what JJ and the cast have to say for this shit.