#all because of my wellbutrin
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hello so as you know i was in the hospital for a few days but what you don’t know is that when i got discharged i ended up being taken back the next day in an ambulance. i’ve been home now for a week and my body is still healing and recovering but i am doing a lot better!! i’m still very uncomfortable so being on my laptop is hard but i will be starting the @createskz queue again tomorrow, of course i will not be starting it from where i left off (i’d be queueing for days if i did that) but i will try to go back as far as i can. i’m sorry i missed so many posts and if this ever happens again i will make sure to ask for help!! thank you all for understanding 🥺
#it was the worst experience of my life#first they thought i had stevens johnson syndrome#luckily it just ended up being agep#all because of my wellbutrin#i had been misdiagnosed two times before they came to a final decision on what i had#it sucked and i am literally traumatized now and too afraid to take any psychiatric meds anymore#so hi i am crazy and unmedicated!!!
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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well i cant get help from my family so i figured i'd ask here. i need to restock my allergy meds and its 25ish for a 3 month supply, but i dont have enough to cover it. i bumped my comm stuff again earlier so if you wanted something to help me pay for my meds i'd really appreciate it :c
#next to my wellbutrin and esomeprazole my allegry meds keep me functional throughout the day because my sinuses...#they hate me so much. its really bad.#no idea why! i had blood tests and a camera shoved into my sinuses and it was all normal#so this is just my life i guess#please help me maintain my ability to breathe 🙏
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I have about $5 cash on hand and a dream (apple fritters actually being in stock at the store)
#I didn't get a ''congrats on sterilization'' cake I wanted to bake so uh. fave donuts I can take my wellbutrin with?#I mean apple fritters are shaped like a lot of reproductive parts so.#that or I make cookies and buy some frosting and do something themed#not art#vena vents#I don't gotta do a big thing at all even if I wanted to because only my household one of my mom's friends and you guys know#And teleporting cookies is not possible
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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people acting like there isn't still very much an active stigma against cannibas and cannibas users is going to be my joker origin story
when i go to the doctor they still put cannibas use under the tab "substance abuse". not even just substance use. it is fully assumed that people who use cannabis, even as a prescription medication, are abusing it. just because you're friends with a couple of dumbass stoners doesn't mean that we've abandoned the idea as a culture that weed is a bad and scary and dangerous and highly addictive drug that will ruin your life if you use it once
#idk what its like in other countries but in the us and especially in red states fear mongering about weed is alive and well#'it ruins lives' -direct quote from a library board member making it so we can be fired for testing positive even w a prescription#i just take umbrage with posts about addiction that go out of their way to mention weed which we all learned in 6th grade is addictive#but dont also mention that this true of all prescription drugs and that a person can be dependant on a drug for health reasons???#yeah i get anxious and cant go a day without weed. because i use it to treat my anxiety and pain. i also get anxious without my wellbutrin#but people arent lining up to make posts about it?? and like you CAN obviously become addicted to prescription drugs its super common!#so i kind of feel like it would be far more useful to say 'this is true of ALL drugs. including weed caffeine and prescriptions'#you should always research ANY drug you take. prescription or not. find out about addictiveness + side effects + other drug interactions#and you should talk to someone if you feel anxious about your relationship to drugs. prescription or not#there have been many times where i was prescribed way too many drugs at once and it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable#so i talked to my doctors and consolidated several and it actually made them work a lot better#locked reblogs because i KNOW people are going to read this is 'so you should never ever talk about negative consequences of weed'#and im pretty sure the people who follow me will be able to understand thats obviously not what im saying#but as soon as it leaves my blog whos to say. but anyway like. I think we should talk more about addiction to all substances#and not just the ones that were already covered in DARE#I feel like at this point everybody has heard all of the negative possibilities with weed use at least once#and that's not necessarily true of caffeine and even like. benadryl lmfao#I might delete this in 10 minutes if I psych myself out akbdjznsjf
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#I'm having anxiety for some reason which is an unfamiliar physical feeling for me#I do depression and my SISTER does anxiety we're the mental illness brothers you see#but nooo apparently she has lent me some anxiety or whatever#anyway I was feeling useless and kind of like shit about how I never do anything anymore#and never get anything done or help around the house or even clean up my own living space#so I just decided I was gonna get out of bed at three in the morning and sweep the whole house#which like. that's fine I guess#and I wouldn't sit down or take a break even when I wanted to stop because I have got to!! start fucking doing things I can't just#be a lump that complains and consumes resources all my life#but anyway that was a bad idea or whatever bc my hands and feet got real hot and red and now I feel like I'm gonna frow up#I'm laid out on the couch near the phone charger. save me phone charger. charger for my phone save me#so what do we think am I feeling unwell from the activity because I don't do the activity enough or because I am just unwell#last time I swept a large area AND mopped was less than a month ago#I. also had to lay down after that actually except I was at work#just laid across a row of seats like yeah just. gimme a fuckin second to necromancy myself here#anyway#I'm a lil anxious bc of my neurology appointment I guess?? it's either that or the Wellbutrin#OR a yet to be identified food sensitivity maybe??#I actually have no fucking clue I just have a bunch of ideas ranked by plausibility#I'm. a little dizzy and the nausea is mcgetting me#farewell cruel world it's been nice knowing u
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been wondering why i've had huge mood swings lately till i realized that i haven't taken my meds properly in days lol
#my meds are usually covered by my welfare#but because i 'got too much money' recently (aka i got a bit of extra from my relatives etc) the government was like um buy ur own pills(:#and i cant afford em rn so i've been rationing my last few wellbutrin pills over the course of a week or so#either by not taking em at all or only taking half dosage#hopefully i can afford at least a couple week's dosage when i get more munny next week#personal
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Wellbutrin era over it’s time for strattera 😍
#all wellbutrin did was gives me Alzheimer’s#I started putting ice cubes in a bowl instead of milk when I wanted to get cereal because my brain thought I was filling my water bottle#oh it made me more motivated alright. More motivated to not do SHIT#I’m hyper and manic and lazy at the same time#otty rambles
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I don’t know if this is hypomania, but I’ve done intense workouts three days in a row, started training up my voice again, I’m thinking about getting into running ,I want to bake an apple crumble pie and learn to play the guitar better.
#bipolar II#the vibe is i don’t know if I’m simply happy or if this is a symptom but I’m in#neurodivergent#my dad really said what if she inherits all my diagnoses as a little treat#Wellbutrin is love#but Lamatrogine is life#because I wouldn’t be in life without it
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My life is falling apart again but because I cannot understand how to function as an adult
#leaving my job bc I feel like everyone there hates me#electric bill past due electricity WILL be shut off tomorrow if I dont figure it out#I just got on wellbutrin and because I couldnt pay them#they cancelled my service#so back to weening off meds and starting everything again#everyone talks about how being an adult is hard when you never anticipated living past a certain age#i never pictured myself not living past 27 but I definitely never considered what I had to do to make myself be a functional adult#and now I feel like several children stacked together in a trench coat- just pretending to be an adult all the time
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I was scrolling and saw your art and it made me really happy because I realized you made time and time again!!!
It’s literally one of my favorite things I’ve ever read, so cool!!!
This is so sweet, thank you for sharing!
It's sort of "illusion breaking" so to speak, to think of my art being both out there in a way that someone could happen upon it, and then further that someone may happen upon it twice, and finally that on doing so they find it recognizable...
I always think of myself and my work as something that sort of sits behind the curtain. The idea that it might take up space in this way is unreal!
This is the kind of thing that means more than you could imagine.
So thank you!
#asks#anon#kind words#this really means so much to me!!!#I'm so glad you like my guys and I'm so glad you've found me here!#you'll get to see plenty of them hahaha#I hope to return with the series soon!#I mean I say soon vaguely...#I've only finished 3 episodes. I'm still working on writing.#I also STARTED TAKING WELLBUTRIN#and this shit slaps#I didnt realize how anxious I was ltierally all the time#it's helping so much#I'm getting so much more done#I'm excited to go to bed#because I'm excited to get up in the morning#and because I know that tomorrow will be able to be a good day...#before it was sorta like. well tomorrow might suck so I better milk this mediocre day for all it's worth.#and then getting up meant facing everything that scares me#but like. omg.#world of a difference...#wow#there might even be something better out there for me cause the executives arent really functioning at the moment#but as of now I'm going from like 20% to like 70% maybe#which is.#holy shit#I might talk about this more later cause wow
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If each side had a theme song, what would it be?
my music taste recently has been so weird and skewed that im going to use that as a reference in order to defy expectations
remus: a look in - kwite
roman: paper bag - fiona apple
janus: dont blame me - james marriot
virgil: skeleton bones - mccafferty
logan: bigmouth strikes again - the smiths
patton: wellbutrin - primrose
#ask#i struggled the most with logans#bc i dont think id listen to stuff hed actually LIKE#a runner up for logans was shadows by nick lutsko#a runner up for januss was its been a long long time by harry james#yes i WILL explain these#(not all of them have good explanations but like)#wellbutrin was an antidepressant guys!!#one that isnt often prescribed anymore because of really bad side effects!!#also dont blame me???#was i all you hate#but you knew that id be?#okay anyway my music taste is so normal
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#i saw my new doctor the other day and like. it feels so good to have a doctor that actually cares?? and doesn't pin every problem i have on#my weight?? she said she asks all her afab patients w a bmi over 40 when the first time they were put on a diet was#which was 6 years old for me#and she said the oldest answer she's gotten was TWELVE#she took my disordered eating seriously and gave me an ed diagnosis that other docs beat around the bush about because I was too fat for#them to think me literally starving myself and making myself throw up was a problem lol#AND I'm back on meds i have something for anxiety and depression#and she said she was surprised they never put me on Wellbutrin when i was literally on the max dose of zoloft and it didn't work#and I was like yeah WHY didn't they put me on something else#she was awesome. she's going to find a tech to do my transvaginal ultrasound for my endo diagnosis that will be gender affirming to me#I'm getting set up for a sleep study to do something about my sleep apnea that the doctors previously found out i had AND DID NOTHING ABOUT#I'm getting new testosterone options so i don't have to have a panic attack every time i have to self administer an injection!!#i just can't believe it#if you're willing to drive to Cleveland and need an amazing doctor i will let you know who she is she's just amazing
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in other news I took a risk and got medium-light wash jeans for the first time in many years and it feels really weird wearing them but i think they look pretty good
#for real hollister I guess is just my one reliable source for well-fitting jeans now#I wanna get another pair of black ones so if I have to wear them at Work I can like. switch between them when necessary. but I’ll get to#it when I get to it. I need a new binder more than anything still rn#but yeah it’s a good brand for jeans if you’re not too pressed about them having to be pure denim or w/e#decent enough quality for your money#though I can’t comment much on how they fit anyone much bigger than me or what have you. keep in mind I have a tiny 26-28in waist#im rambling cause im really hyped up about the job thing and the new clothes and because I haven’t eaten all day for no good reason so I’m#running solely on coffee adderall excedrin and wellbutrin (ie: a shit ton of stimulants)#kibumblabs
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Ugh I really need actual adhd meds and not just Wellbutrin only.
My brain isn’t handling it well and I know I’m just tiring myself out more than normal
#I keep thinking of talking to you too but what good will that even do for me#I know it’ll all be far different than whatever is in my head and I don’t want to feel resentment more than I do currently#I wanted to look back and remember what was good but because of your choices I don’t think I can#I don’t know. what I do know is my head is spinning and I’m tired and at least concerta + Wellbutrin kept me sharp and more focused#yet malleable to how rough my life actually is too#shut up pls dex
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