#all I want is a local (queer) friend group and/or someone to date me. is that so much to ask!

[violetclarity]

how do I go back in time and integrate myself into the queer women-heavy gay sports league in my city instead of the cis gay men-heavy gay sports league??

[drdemonprince]

So, I (a trans guy) am kind of coming to terms with the fact that I might be more gay than bisexual after all. Where I live, the queer community is split pretty definitively between the "women, non binary and trans people" (or FLINTA*, if you're familiar with that horrible term) and the gay male community. While I have lots of problems with the former, it is kind of the community I am in, mostly because it has felt safe during my transition. It still feels safe, but not really comfortable. I want to feel like I am part of the gay male community, especially if I mostly want to date queer men in the future.

I am like, so scared of existing in any gay male spaces. When I tried being in them pre T, I felt like an imposter. When I travelled to the US a few years ago, the only place my then partner (also on T) and me were misgendered consistently was in gay bars (in a lot of famous "gay friendly" cities). All of this has left me with a sense of humiliation and not-belonging that gets reactivated every time I even think of stepping into one again, even if I am fairly certain I would not get this reaction now.

How do I get past the shame that is attached to my previous experiences and learn to actually enjoy myself there?

So, I believe that you have the order of operations wrong here. You don't get past shame and then go out to these gay spaces -- you go out to those gay spaces and then overcome (some) of your shame. And that shame may live with you forever in some form. You can still have a worthwhile life with it.

Go to the gay bars. There are many different kinds of them, all with wildly different energies and clientelle, and it is normal and boring and blase for trans guys to be at each and every single one of them.

One way that many newbies unwittingly screw up is by going to the most circuity, dance-y kinds of gay bars that tend to be filled with young, thin, rich, superficial people -- and then they mistake the meanness of that crowd for the meanness of all gays, or interpret the meanness as a sign they are not accepted by "the gay male community."

There is no singular gay male community. There are in fact a wide variety of subcultures with their own beauty standards, stylistic choices, interests, and norms. And there's a lot of cliquishness and mean girl behavior among people who have decided they are high rank in any particular small subculture, don't get me wrong. But you don't have to believe in any of it. They're just coping with their own history of marginalization and rejection by trying to become a new ruling class within their own tiny pond. You can laugh it off as the work of kind of sad, small thinking and just enjoy yourself and talk to people who are not assholes.

So, go to the leather bar. Go to a pup night. Go to an old-timers bar filled with gays over 60 (they will be nice to you and buy you drinks, I promise). Go to a gay bar that's casual and nerdy, with arcade machines and pub trivia. Go to a drag bar on a weekday night and meet some of the newer queens who are still trying to find their chops. And yes, go to the DJ sets and dance clubs all you like, but don't let what a few snatched bitchy 22-year-olds (or insecure former twink 42 year old real estate agents) get you feeling insecure. They're doing that shit because they are insecure.

Bring a friend. Talk to someone who seems nervous and alone on the side of the dance floor, too. Wear an outfit that will get some compliments. Nurse a drink at the bar and trawl grindr to see if anyone seems worth talking to. Join a dungeon or a gay running group. Attend a gay men's support group at your local lgbt center. Meet a ton of people and just get yourself out there, and quickly you will realize that your mind has wildly over dramatized how much you stand out or how much anybody cares.

Fat gays, disabled gays, older gays, Autistic gays, nerdy gays, poor gays, Black and brown gays, immigrant gays, they all feel like they do not belong and are not welcome too. Find them and be kind to them and hold onto them. Notice who is nice and warm with you, but also don't read into it too much if some people are just neutral. Eventually you will figure out what you like doing, which spaces you enjoy inhabiting, and who you want to be there with -- and then you'll have some fun.

[jojo-oliver]

hi... i was too socially anxious to say anything in person but i was at campbell river pride and i really appreciated seeing your work in person :) i've always admired your stuff on tumblr and had no idea you were from BC! campbell river is kind of a hard place to be queer in and seeing artists selling their pride wares joyfully healed me. i wasn't able to buy anything in person but i hope to buy something online eventually. your art means a lot to people.

Hey, I want you to know that there are queer people all around you. I've been secretly investigating. I've been going to every 2SLGBTQIA+ group's events and introducing myself. I'm in Courtenay and people from Campbell River travel here. I want you to know that there are older gay men who act fatherly towards me and if you didn't know you'd assume they're cishet. They live beside you. There's gay polycules in your area. The same people who look like they work in oil or on a fishing boat. There's middle aged bisexuals who never came out to their parents in their 60s. There's trans people in their 30s who aren't as up to date on the web, but they also live beside you. So many people have reached out to me from the flyers I've been putting everywhere. Did you know you have a vibrant community all around you? We're on a retirement island with an older age base. They're older. They meet up at restaurants sometimes. Some talk about their travels and compare the food to the different countries they've been in. Others talk about the northern forestry towns they've cruised in. If you're ever in Courtenay and you're looking to connect with the local community, DM me. I am so serious, I'd love to send you resources. We're doing Trans Nites every 2 weeks, for all ages and genders. We play board games and go swimming. Did you know there's queer camp outs? The ones I'm seeing for this summer are for ages 7-12 but that's what I'm immediately seeing available. My friend Meika is out hosting a queer camp right now. They're a youth event facilitator. These things are mostly organized on facebook. I can send you the flyers and event information in DM if you want it. Or for anyone else who happens to be near Comox Valley and DMs me. Hi, I love you, I want you to know that there are friends all around you that I have personally met and know the names of. I want you to know that the event organizers are busy creating community and making more for you. I know there's not much in Campbell River, the people who come to our events have told me that. But there's more coming. Also I remember there was someone I scared away twice who looked very afraid. I promise you I'm just a scrungly goblin, I can barely piece my words together in social situations like that hahahaha. We'll be at Courtenay Pride in the Park and we'll be at Discovery Islands pride if they respond to my emails. I hope to see you again thank you for leaving this message in my inbox!!!!

[scrambleseggy]

I think something wild about being an afab going on T at almost 30 and also being someone who’s lived an overall queer experience under a somewhat tedious labeling process is that I have MET toxic masculine trans men. For the record, I very much appear as a cis woman to people, and most people I meet just kinda sum me up as “some sorta lesbian.”

TW from some harsher personal experiences.

Back in my early 20’s, one of my FTM franchise managers sexually harassed me at a company party very inappropriately. Within the same time frame, one of my now ex-friends and on-site manager was dating a trans men who fit ALL the stereotypes of toxic masculinity: disregard for others, pavement princess giant truck, constantly talking over others or using his strength as a source of intimidation (and I would say a source of overcompensation as well lets be real here lol). At a certain point he made this ex-friend cry so much, I had to ban him from my house and tell him I’d try to get a restraining order if he came back.

So it does really annoy me that there seems to be an ignorant group of people who form online when trans women speak about transmisogyny within the community. Because there are trans men out there who act like complete douchebags and assholes to validate themselves in their identity or they’re just plainly assholes, and this is something I would see a lot at gay clubs as opposed to tight knit groups or niche online circles. Trans women and others are trying to tell ya’ll that this is a problem that happens and some of you are childishly sticking your fingers in your ears and going “LALALA TRANSANDROPHOBIA SHHHHHH” and it’s like… Ya’ll, you don’t have to turn a blind eye to this shit because quite frankly it’s embarrassing and very misinformed.

I will say however that as someone who is thinking about transition now, I can empathize with the knee-jerk reaction as well. It’s really scary to have people tell you the negative things you could become or ways you could hurt people. It can actually in my experience be a whole driving force in continuing to remain dysphoric through your life because it’s better to do that than feel like you may end up being completely alienated from everyone, especially if all women are a very important part to you in your life.

The whole “T is poison” thing runs deep. I always had this fear that the moment I’d start it would be the moment I would become the very thing I’m made to be afraid of even if it’s what I want to be. It’s such a difficult ball of yarn to unravel. What if I did get male privilege, but even in my gender euphoria, I end up hating myself anyway? What if I don’t get male privilege or “pass” but people in the “community” (such a loose and confusing word imo) also hate me and then I have no one? If straight women treat me bad after or before “passing”, if lesbian women see me in ways I don’t want to be seen, if cis straight men think I’m a freak and gay men think I’m an intruder… Where does that place me in the world? And who really am I? Will people believe me less or more when I’m hurt by others?

I think it’s atleast something for people to consider because as someone who’s dealing with really bad dysphoria right now, these are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head.

It’s also good to remember that online is online and real life is real life. Yes sometimes they reflect each other, but oftentimes, people lie on the internet (GASP!) and speak in exaggerations.

This is why it’s always good to try and strive for local connects to maintain your own sanity. At the end of the day, I know my own friends who still see me as the same person. And getting to know my own family of queer people of all kinds who I love dearly and they love me back does make the world feel like a more understanding place and less like a cruel and divisive one. I guess it’s just something to keep in mind.

[threeinchthunderthimble]

Radiohead - Creep

Another day, another morning jukebox...

I’ve been thinking about this song lately. I used to think it was one of those red-flag songs for me. Like, if someone really likes the song they’re not gonna be a good fit dating wise. 

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye

There's something about it I found super creepy. And of course, I think thats certainly a part of the song. Its objectively creepy.

You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry

Whoever this person is, they have an incredibly uncomfortable obsession with their object of love. I’ve never been the object of a stalker’s obsession, but if there were lyrics that simulated that level of obsession, these surely would be them, even more so than The Police’s Every Breath You Take. It would always bring out this visceral sense of being trapped and every time it would come on I would change the channel (or have to suffer through for karaoke).

You float like a feather In a beautiful world

That is until I went to karaoke at one of my local gay bars.

I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special

The night was put on by my local Pup group, and when I heard the song come on I groaned internally.

Great, the stalker song, I thought.

But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here

A few weeks before I had gone out after a hash to a local sports bar. Typical sports bar milieu- cis het straight folks with cis hetr straight politics. While I love dive bars, I knew this wasnt a place where queer people were specifically made welcome. They wouldnt be denied of course, but it was a cis het kinda place.

I went into the bathroom, which was cramped and dirty. No surprise there. I use the stall in the men's since I’m not equipped to be able to sue the urinal- which the stall itself was crammed into an available space that was blocked by the door when open. This is important.

3 drunk people came in helping their friend to throw up. There was some confusion as I was wedged in by the sink, but their friend made it safely to the stall and summarily began emptying the contents of his stomach. But they are hanging out and blocking the door and they look at me and ask me if I’m gay.

She's running out the door (run) She's running out She run, run, run, run

Where I come from, being asked that in a men’s restroom might mean you're gonna get your head bounced from porcelain.

I froze, filled with adrenaline, but something welled up inside me. I was angry. Angry that I should be considered broken, lesser than, a threat. I figured if I was going to be beaten, or die, I would go down being exactly who I am. So I screwed up my courage and said, “yes, I am”.

They started to laugh, then started to get me to date their cousin. So, no biggie, but I left that bathroom with shaky legs. I felt hollow and old all night.

Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

I’m gonna be honest- sometimes I struggle to feel right when I’m in queer spaces. A lifetime of religious trauma sucks man. 

But while I was listening to that person sing, something began to happen. Its like everyone in the room had the same thought, the same feeling. Of loneliness, of longing, or not living in a world that is made for them.

I suddenly understood the song.

But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here I don't belong here

[sapphic-courtship-for-dummies]

Hi, I don’t know if you can help with this and if not it’s ok but I am 20 now and have never dated anyone and I really don’t know where to start, I’ve been on dating apps for about a year and get overwhelmed and stop using them for months at a time but I feel like it’s the only safe way to find wlw in my area so I don’t have much of a choice. I’m just at a loss for where to even begin trying to find a girlfriend and how I should act in the early pre-dating stages (even as early as texting after a match) I’ve gotten a lot of matches but nothing has come of it and I feel a bit depressed and isolated because of it. Sorry to vent a bit

Hi friend,

You're good! I completely understand feeling really alone and inexperienced. Growing up queer in a small town is really just like that sometimes. I was lucky that I had some other queer friends and utilized online communities like you. I didn't have an in person relationship until I was about 20, so I definitely get the pressure and expectation from society that you "should" have done certain things by now (like having a first kiss) when in reality everyone is different and goes at their own pace, and it only actually matters what you feel and what you want and what's right for you.

And as for how you "should" act while in the flirting stage? Man if there was a handbook I'd send you that, but there isn't. That's kind of the thing: we're all just making this up as we go. (The real secret of being an adult is that none of us know what we're doing, that applies to dating too.) Some of it is trial and error, some of it is just doing what feels right! Just be kind, be open-minded, and be yourself! What I normally do is to try to meet someone where they are, like reciprocating/matching their level of enthusiasm to start. In my experience, it's really similar to the process of making a new friend! (Friend+, if you will.) Just try to communicate what you're looking for, assert your boundaries when needed, and be open to the unexpected. People are bound to surprise you.

Dating apps and dating in general can be really overwhelming! Take breaks when you need to! It's daunting to start. I've had one downloaded on my phone for months now but haven't actually made a profile because I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. The process is awkward and messy and unpredictable, which is why I think most people would prefer to just skip to the part where they have a stable loving partner already. Unfortunately it doesn't usually work like that.

But I think if you really want a partner, it's worth wading through the waters. Dating apps also aren't for everyone, and that's okay! I know in person can be really difficult too, especially if your circumstances aren't really conducive to meeting other wlw in public spaces. But you can't give up! There are hundreds of different kinds of date/meet-up/chatting apps nowadays, and lots of other social platforms/local clubs or group activities where you can meet people with similar interests; it might just be a matter of finding one that works for you. And if the most you come out with is some new friends, then that's great! In times like these, it's more important than ever to have a support system that you can lean on.

The most important thing to remember, which I will continue to emphasize ad nauseum, is that you are not alone. I assure you there are tons of other queer folx around the world that feel the same way (like me!). We are here. You never have to go it alone. You are part of a universe that is full of wandering lost souls seeking connection, and in reality you never actually have to look very far. So hang in there, and don't throw in the towel just because you haven't found what you're looking for yet. It takes time, you just have to trust that things will work out the way they need to, when they need to. Have faith, and have patience! It will not be perfect, and it might not even look like what you expect, but I know that it will be worth the wait.

And in the meantime, remember, we're in this together. My inbox is always open. <3

All my love and best of luck,

Sappho 💞

[wolfstarlibrarian]

HELLO I was jw what were your favourite fics featuring POC Marauders without the shitty stereotyping 💜

Also thank you librarian for your content. Honestly this is the top tier rec blog in the fandom due to your amazing taste.

Well THIS is a great ask! It’s nice to see fans looking for authentic diversity in fics as opposed to tokenism. Just about all of these fics have been listed on various library lists, but hopefully people enjoying seeing them listed somewhere convenient. Also, this is just a VERY SMALL selection of fics featuring Remus or Sirius as POC, so if you’re looking for more of a certain representation, just send an ask!

Also, a note to authors looking to include representation (other than their own ethnicity) in their next fic: make sure that you read first hand experiences from multiple sources, research with advocacy groups, and THEN try reach out to a peer who can potentially beta/do a sensitivity read for you. It's important that we all try and learn as much as possible on our own before asking our peers to work as our educators. ❤️

POC Wolfstar

Black James & Cuban Sirius

Be My Baby by @remus-john-lupin It’s the summer of 1963, and 18 year old Remus Lupin discovers dance, love, and even himself. (A very romantic and very gay Dirty Dancing AU.)

Latino Remus

Forget-Me-Not by @halictus-writer

For someone who just woke up with amnesia and a bad concussion, Remus Lupin isn't too dispirited. He'll get through it with the help of his friends, taking it one day at a time, as Sirius says. The only (other) problem? There's something important that he's forgetting.

Retrial by phoenixgal

Remus Lupin, host of the popular podcast Retrial, decides to focus on the case of Sirius Black, a man convicted of murdering his high school best friend, for his upcoming season. Remus has gotten too close to his subjects in the past, so he promises himself that won't happen this time.

Desi Sirius

Young Hearts Intertwined by @goodboylupin

There’s a special kind of magic to a wartime wedding.

Latino Remus & Desi Sirius

A Lucky Mishap by softiejace Of course this would be just Remus’ luck - the library printer breaking when the deadline for his term paper is coming up. And to top it off, the pretty boy he’s been running into all week is there to witness his moment of misery… but maybe he can turn things around?

Sephardic Jewish Remus

Candles in the Darkness by @miraxb

In the winter of seventh year, James, Sirius, and Remus are all carrying their own burdens and fears for the growing darkness in their world. Together, they find comfort and light at the Hanukkah celebration in the Lupin household.

Half Syrian Remus

I Tried Writing Your Name In The Rain, But It Never Came, So I Used The Sun Instead by @prefectmoony

Don’t get Remus wrong. He loves his friends, he does! Loves them to the moon and back in fact. They’re his people, his favorite part of everyday, his found family. He’d do anything for them. But the thing is that doesn’t take away from the very simple fact that his friends are fucking ridiculous. Remus knows this, has known it for five years now. But it doesn’t stop him from startling awake on the morning of his sixteenth birthday surprised by the sound of fireworks exploding in their dormitory and a raucous chorus of “Happy birthday Moony!” being shouted into his ear with jaunty gusto.

Chinese Sirius

got a fascination (with your presentation) by @alifeincoffeespoons

When Remus thought of Oxford as a child, he envisioned turrets, laughter, and an unnameable, unforgettable magic. He did not envision vomiting his breakfast all over himself while standing in the halls of St. Catherine’s College.

Cut Your Bangs by @notmycatsname

"There’s something about him that catches Sirius’s eye. His voice is a little whiny, almost off-key. Sirius has heard it time and time again in the bands that Lily plays through their speakers at their apartment but it sounds more genuine, almost heart breaking, through his voice. Remus’s voice."

Black Remus, Desi Sirius & James

Palo Alto by NachoDiablo

Modern AU set in Silicon Valley. It's easy for Sirius to ignore his mixed-up feelings while he's got Remus all to himself, but when Remus starts dating again, Sirius is forced to figure things out before Remus moves on for good. Or before James and Peter strangle them both.

Japanese Remus and Taiwanese Sirius

kavaluan (means white lily here) by @claudiafekete 1926, Taiwan. Japanese empire's prized colony. Remus needed an interpreter. Sirius volunteered.

Philippino Sirius

Problems with Narrative Structure and the Rules of Manly Engagement [+Podfic] by @xinasvoice

"There were easily six hundred people living in the Paramount building in downtown San Francisco. That was a lot of neighbors to get to know, but it only took a single day of living there for Sirius to notice Remus."

Latino Remus & Japanese-American!Sirius

Discards by @picascribit​ When 21-year-old assistant librarian Sirius spots a cute hipster college student at the Seattle Public Library, he just needs to figure out a subtle way of determining whether he’s into guys. But Remus’s life is more complicated than Sirius knows.

Native American Sirius

Grimsfall by @remus-john-lupin

There is a legend in the old city of Grimsfall that a large, black creature used to emerge from the forest at night, and anyone who met its gaze would be driven to madness before the thing dragged them into the depths of hell.

Mexican Remus & Sirius

A Whole Queer County Fair by @bigblackdogfic Two queer Mexican kids talking, having sex, and feeling their feelings in Arizona.

Indigenous Australian Remus

Among The Gumtrees by WolfstarGarden Sirius inherits his uncle's farm, but finding the right farmhand isn't as simple as he'd hoped: Sirius just couldn’t help but wonder if fantasising about his straight farm assistant was maybe one boundary breach too far. On the other hand, perhaps Remus shouldn’t suck on the end of his pen while lost in thought.

South American Remus

The Delegate by @wanderingbandurria

It’s 1921, and Sirius Black is a sailor that wants to prove himself as a political agitator. He sets foot in a lost, forgotten port in South America, where he’s supposed to help with the local organization of syndicalists. He’s not expecting to meet a brown-eyed man who is there to help put his words into Spanish. A man that’s really not interested in anything but doing his job. Nothing more.

Thai Sirius

Whatever Words I Say -orphaned fic

When Remus Lupin is hired to control the antics of famous lead singer of the Marauders, Sirius Black, he knows he has his work cut out for him. Sirius is contrary and has absolutely no chill, and loves pissing off the press. Remus feels up to the challenge, but he certainly does not expect to fall head over heels in love from the moment he meets the charismatic singer.

Something Beautiful -orphaned fic When Remus Lupin’s ex talks him into a drunken tattoo mistake, he goes to his friend and co-worker Lily for help. Luckily her husand’s best mate is a tattoo artist who can help with the cover up. Unfortunately for Remus, the tattoo in in a rather compromising area, and he’ll have to get over his embarrassment. Luckily for him, Sirius Black is just the man for the job.

So many fics and yet so many more to go! As always, feel free to reblog with your own recs!

[cosettefauchelevente]

I hope this doesn't break your ask rules. I don't know where/who else to ask this. This sounds so stupid but I feel like I have no where to go. Radfems, conservatives and the left all have their own brand of lesbophobia. When it comes to dating I'm so scared I won't find a girl who is "normal" in that she isn't deep into any queer politics. I feel my dating pool is limited due to that and wanting to date another gs lesbian like myself. All of this has me pretty depressed. Any advice? Thank you.

if you're willing to swipe through a sea of crap, there are normal people on dating apps. one of my mutuals found someone on tinder last year who was not only normal, but her type, after days of talking about finding nothing but men listing themselves as women, straight couples looking for a lesbian to have a threesome with, and other weirdos (it didn't work out between them, but that's not the point). if you don't want to go down the route of swiping and swiping till you match with someone decent and have a bit of money to spare, you could buy a paid dating app. this will weed out the people who are just there to see how many likes they can get or who just want a hook-up, etc (apparently there's going to be a gc lesbian dating app called club monocle coming out soon. of course I've never used it, but from what I've read they verify that you're a real woman via video before you can make an account, which sounds promising. it's available right now, but it's currently only for friendships, I believe. there's also one called giggle that scans your face to make sure you're a woman first. again, never tried it).

if you don't want to try online dating, my advice would be to go outside and talk to people. i know that sounds obvious but it's the best advice. put yourself out there, take up a lot of different hobbies, join some a lot of clubs, say yes to every event you're invited to. that way, you'll meet a lot of different people, some of whom will be people you connect with. I met every girl I've been involved with organically without even thinking I would meet anyone i hit it off with, they just occasionally appear if you know a lot of people. even if you can't get a date, you'll still make some friends and have some stories to tell.

you could try downloading an app called meetup. it's not a dating app, but one for finding people in your area with similar hobbies and interests. I'm in a book club and a cinema club for my city on there, but they have all sorts of clubs for different activities on there, sewing circles, hiking clubs, cooking clubs, music clubs, etc, and lgbt societies as well. if you're looking for other lesbians than I'd suggest joining a meetup group for lgbt people. of course there might be weirdos in it, but it's an idea.

you actually could try instagram as well! i used to run a lesbian account a few years ago that had 15k followers, and occasionally i would make posts for people to meet each other. i would provide a format for people to fill out in the comments (first name, age and age range they were interested in dating, general area, hobbies and interests, and other info like that), and people who were interested in them would reply to them with an emoji and then they would have to talk to each other in dms. I used to get comments all the time of people saying they met their girlfriends on my posts, which was so cool 🥺. im not involved with the lesbian side of instagram at all these days, so idk if these speed dating posts are still a thing, but other accounts used to do them as well. if you follow a few lesbian pages on there you might run into one. or if you're brave you could just slide into someone's dms.

apparently gyms are a good place to meet lesbians? I haven't had much luck in my dudebro-packed local gym, but I feel like I read about gym lesbians all the time on the internet. or you could maybe try joining a sports team. if you meet a girl that pings you in the gym, you could try asking her to help you use the equipment to try and get to know her. join some outdoorsy clubs, go kayaking or fishing, find a diy club if there's one around (and bring man repellent).

if you have lesbian or bisexual friends, hang out in their circles sometimes. most of the time ssa people have a good chance of knowing other ssa people. I met my last ex through friends, and she was totally normal (until wattpad got to her rip).

that's my advice done. the last time I was actively dating was in 2019, so I asked some mutuals in case anyone had more up to date advice, and the responses were:

"My only advice is that the more requirements you have, the smaller your pool gets. But it's okay. I really only want masculine women, I have a STRONG preference for other lesbians, I don't wanna be annoyed constantly with any politics at all. And y'know, I find women who meet those standards. Maybe I'll run out of women, but I'd rather be single than have something I don't want. It's a bit depressing to think about, but y'know, we'll all probably find somebody."

"Oh boy this will be A Lot but this is basically everything I've either heard or learned:

Do things you enjoy, being normal and also open about your beliefs and eventually you will either gravitate towards the right woman or she will gravitate towards you. Be honest about what/who you are: you are a lesbian who does not believe a lesbian would ever have sex with men. Hang out with normal people and act not necessarily loud or outspoken but just honest if and when it comes up. But a big component is going to normal things. For example, since you don't like queerios, it's probably not a good idea to go to events where they congregate expecting to find that one other normal lesbian who's there hoping for the same thing. It's just not realistic because 9 times out of 10 people hang around people who are like them/share their beliefs. Especially in the current climate. Btw if youre into "not normal" things your search will be much harder tbh. Widen your chances of finding a normal woman by doing normal things as often as possible (ofc things you actually like/would like to try).

Also talk to anyone and everyone you can/want. This is the hardest if you are shy/introverted/anxious etc but it's the only way. Lesbians are ~1% of the population so you need to literally hunt for her. Your dating pool is limited but knowing what you like and not budging on your standards is admirable, not depressing. If you budge on your standards you'll find Something but it won't be what you like and you will have to accept that by either A) caving and compromising B) realizing this isnt for you and getting the fuck out lol."

"tell her to join a gym. normal lesbians love lifting."

"Being outspoken is essential. It's hard if you're shy or tend to be anxious around new people or when stating your opinions, but you won't find what you're looking for if you don't do it (or you might think you have, but as [name] said, two months in they introduce you to their TIM 'lesbian' bff).

It's not easy and not instantaneous, it is tedious and lonely most of the time, but you got to think that it's going to be worth it. Meanwhile, trying to at least befriend like-minded people (lesbians or not) is a nice thing to do, because it will allow you to expand your social circle in the right direction. Don't consider settling an option, and don't lower your standards, but be open-minded towards the type of woman you're looking for.

Try to find hobbies and join groups related to things you like doing that you'd like any future gf to share with you, and check out whether there's lesbian groups in your area involved in it (apparently that's easier if you lift laugh, but there's at least some lesbians with other hobbies) (ps, a ton of those lesbians will turn out to not be lesbians, but that doesn't mean it's applicable for 100% of them)

As for how depressing it is...yeah, we've all been there. It sucks, but unfortunately it's like that. We're too few and too spread out, but even then you're not alone in that loneliness."

"Piggybacking off what [name] said, let me emphasize that expanding your social circle is key ! It doesn't mean you have to become bffs with every single person you're ever within 2 feet of, it just means being friendly/polite/cordial/likeable enough to make connections with people which create options for more connections with more people and so on. Eventually you will ether meet a lesbian or meet someone who knows someone who knows someone who is a lesbian AND she will be perfect for you"

"My main advice is to for her to stay true to who she is and she will attract who fits and weed out who doesn’t. As long as she doesn’t pretend to believe in gender bullshit, her chances of having a gf that does is fairly low and it does increase her chances of finding one that agrees with her. It can be scary to think about, especially with how prevalent it is online and in some real world areas, but there will always be a woman that agrees with her. Getting out, having hobbies and connecting with people with similar interests also helps a lot."

hope this helps!

[benevolentbirdgal]

“Thirteen” Tips on Writing Jewish Characters / Some  Jewish Identity Stuff Explained

So you want to write a Jewish character, but don’t want to write a caricature? Or are worried they won’t register as Jewish to readers, or something will be off or wrong? Well I, friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional, am here to help! 

Note: The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well. 

Let’s start with the word “Jew.” It’s not inherently a slur, but can absolutely be used as one. I am a Jew. You can call me a Jew, just not a Jew. Like most minority groups, there are slurs against us, but Jew is the proper demonym. It can be used disrespectfully as a noun, but isn’t inherently disrespectful. Think “Chava is a Jew” versus “You’re being such a Jew.” 1a. Any use of Jew as a verb by gentiles (non-Jews) is not okay. Your Jewish characters should be horrified by someone telling them they “Jewed down the price.” 1b. Any use of Jewess by gentiles is not okay and your Jewish character should not be cool with it.  1c. Many Jews would actively prefer to be called such because that’s what we are and “Jewish person” is stepping away from our Jewishness. But I get that not everybody is going to be comfortable calling us Jews. That’s okay, and “Jewish person/people” or “X is Jewish” is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE.  1d. With that said, Jewish people refers to ourselves as Jews. If Sarah is Jewish but is squicked about referring to herself as a Jew, your Jewish readers will immediately know she’s written by a gentile.  1e. Actual slurs against Jews is a post for another time (did you know K*ke literally means circle?). 

Your Jewish-American character likely does not speak Hebrew, Yiddish, Ladino, or any other Judeo-Language (languages that are a mix of Hebrew and at least one other language, typically written in the Hebrew abjad). Three notes on this, however: 2a. If your character is an immigrant or the child of an immigrant, they might speak the Judeo-language of the old country. The most common will be Israeli-Americans speaking Hebrew, but families still speaking Yiddish, Ladino, Judeo-Arabic, and other families do still exist. The children of Jewish immigrants might also speak another language that isn’t a Jewish one, like Russian or Spanish.  2b. If they are in a VERY religious Ashkenazi community, they might speak Yiddish at home and in the community.  2c. Odds are decent, however, that your American Jew can read but not understand Hebrew. If your character went to Jewish Day School or Yeshiva, they definitely read Hebrew, and will have some understanding of it (but likely not fluency). 

Despite what I just said above, your Jewish-American character likely drops a lot of Yiddish words and phrases into their day-to-day speech. Which words/phrases in probably a list for another time, but the most common will be foods, family names (i.e. “Zayde” instead of Grandpa), and sassy expressions. They may incorporate some Hebrew to a lesser extent. 

There’s not just one version of kosher. There’s kosher, kosher-style, Halav Yisrael, glatt kosher, etc. Depending on your character’s level of kosher, they’ve need a hecksher (kosher mark) on any given item or only eat at kosher restaurants, although not all Jews keep kosher and many keep “kosher-style” (i.e. only eat theoretically kosher things).

Your Jewish character should be a whole character, both in general and in relation to their Jewishness. This means, among other things, that they aren’t obsessed with Israel and I/P discourse one way or the other and that while writing you remember that not all Israelis are Jews and not all Jews are Israelis. Your Jewish character is not constantly agonizing over the I/P situation, has a life outside of their Jewishness, and shouldn’t be a cardboard stand-in for your desire to discuss the middle east. 

The Jewish experience varies dramatically with geography. Jews living in Omaha, Richmond, Philly, Kansas City, Boca Raton, and New York City are all American Jews. They will have drastically different Jewish experiences. I strongly recommend doing research on the Jews in the specific place your story takes places, but generally:  6a. The closer you are to the northeast coast and NYC (except south Florida) the better and more varied your Jewish resources.  6b. NYC has the highest Jewish population of any city on the planet. Big cities like Boston, Chicago, and L.A., as well as just outside of NYC in NJ and NYS, and suburban/exburb south Florida will have lots of Jewish resources: day schools (Jewish + secular education mix), maybe Yeshivas (Jewish focus), multiple synagogues, a Jewish Community Center, Jewish dating services, social stuff, Jewish charities, and youth activities. Your character will have other Jewish friends and their gentile friends will likely know other Jews. Antisemitism is still a problem and usually takes the form of excluding Jews from activism, thinly-veiled stereotyping or excusing antisemitism from people from other oppressed groups, but it’s usually not as overt as elsewhere. Almost always safe to disclose Jewishness.  6c. Small and mid-size cities Denver, Virginia Beach, Charleston, and Harrisburg will have a JCC or Jewish federation, multiple synagogues, and maybe a Jewish day school. Your character is not the only Jew their gentile peers have met, but the bagels are meh. They will have other Jews to bond and commiserate with. Antisemitism here is mostly like that in big cities with occasional burst of overt incidents and attacks. It is generally physically safe for them to disclose Jewishness.  6d. Big towns and small cities in the south or mid-west will have maybe one synagogue - probably reform or Chabad. Your character will have to seek out Jewish spaces, but they will be easy to find. They will not be everybody’s First Jew, but it will be unusual. Antisemitism here is mostly overt - most of the antisemites your character deals with will be very obvious and many will be violent. Jews in such situations will not hide their Jewishness per se, but will be more selective in choosing to disclose it.  6e. Rural areas and small-small towns will not have a synagogue. Your character and their family may be the only Jews or there might be a small group that meets on occasion or carpools to the nearest synagogue. They will have to actively seek out the others Jews and they will be difficult to find. Disclosing their Jewishness is a serious consideration and not always safe. Odds are they are many people’s First Jew, which gets really weird real fast. Beyond the harmless ignorant-but-trying-to-learn-from-their-first-Jew types your character will interact with, there’s also violent and overt antisemitism here.  6f. If your character is in college, they will likely have a Chabad and/or a Hillel on campus if they are at a large school or a school with a significant Jewish population. 

Related: when Jews meet each other for the first time, a game of “Jewish geography” ensues as they try and trace people they know in the other person’s state/city/community. 

Jews come in all shapes, colors, sizes, genders, sexualities, politics, and religious beliefs. There are all sorts of Jewish people with tons of different intersecting identities. Don’t box yourself in to writing one kind of Jew. Just research a ton on the particular subsection of the Jewish community your character is a part of - a Mizrachi-Jewish Persian-American bisexual woman is going to have a different experience than a straight Ethiopian-American Jewish man who is going to have different experience from a queer Ashkenazi-Jewish-American girl with non-Jewish family.  8a. Jews with Ashkenazi (eastern/northern European) ancestry and customs are the biggest group in the U.S., but by no means the only group or representative of every Jew. Sephardi (Spanish/southern European/north Africa), and Mizrachi (north Africa and the middle east) are the next biggest groups. It would not be unusual for your character to have Polish-Jewish, Iraqi-Jewish, Moroccan-Jewish, or Russian Jewish ancestry or a mix.  8b. Each of these groups have their own customs, Judeo-languages, local holidays, and local historic tragedies. Generally, historic Sephardi communities were linked between themselves, historic Ashkenazi communities were linked between themselves, and historic Mizarchi communities were linked between themselves. The three had some, but limited contact. Additionally, all three major groups have subdivisions within them.  8c. There are also smaller groups that don’t fall within the three traditional categories, like the Ethiopian Jews, the Cochin Jews (India), Chinese Jews, Gruzim (Georgian), and more. Most of these smaller groups were not in contact with the wider Jewish world.  8d. All Jewish groups start from the same base texts (the written Torah), and the majority include the oral Torah as well. Local interpretations and traditions develop, these are referred to as minhag(im) (customs). For example, the biblical commandment is to not boil a baby goat in its mother’s milk. Some communities extend this to mean no chicken and milk, others reason that chickens don’t produce milk so the mixture is acceptable. Both are equally valid interpretations rooted in tradition, but they are different.  8e. Marrying between Jewish subgroups in the U.S. is super common and outside of extreme or really intense groups is not frowned upon. Traditionally, the father’s minhagim are followed, i.e. a Syrian-Jewish father and a Spanish-Jewish mother would follow the Syrian-Jewish minhagim with their children. Many modern couples choose the mother’s traditions or mix them up, but that’s the traditional route. 

Unless they are VERY religious, your character’s family is unlikely to be particularly wound up about them being LGBTQ the way a comparably Christian family might, at least not because they’re Jewish. Samuel’s Jewish mother is likely unconcerned he likes boys and is much more empathetic than he must marry a Jewish boy and raise any kids Jewish. 

There are so many Jewish holidays, and they are not all celebrated the same or with the same intensity. Probably enough material for its own post, but the ones most likely celebrated by your character: 10a. Shabbat and/or Havdalah. Shabbat starts Friday nights with candles, wine/grape juice and challah bread, Havdalah ends Shabbat with a braided candle, wine, and aromatic spices. Shabbat dinner is usually a meat meal and it is common to invite guests or eat with friends and family (in normal times).  10b. The “High Holidays” - Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. Jewish students often skip school for these. Yom Kippur is a 25 hour fast with services all day, Rosh HaShanah has services in the evening and morning.  10c. Passover - arguably the most important holiday. Celebrated with two sometimes agonizingly long Seders (ritual meals), family gatherings, and abstaining from leavened bread for 7/8 days.  10d. Hanukkah - Not actually that spiritually important, but culturally important for American Jews. Typically celebrated with candle lighting, presents, visits to family members, and greasy food. 

There’s a lot of wine involved in Jewish ritual, so it’s unlikely your character’s Jewish family are teetotalers. 

Jewish families tend to be very intense, loud, opinioned, caring, and involved, compared to many other assimilated American families. Shabbat dinner is not quiet. Dissent is a Jewish value - differing opinions are allowed (and expected in many circles), as is the ability to argue/defend competently. 

Jewishness can mean ethnic identity, cultural identity, and/or religion. There are several major denominations religiously, although that needs to be its own post in detail. The noteworthy movements at this point are Orthodox (further subdivided into Ultraorthodox and Modern Orthodox), Conservative (middle of the road, no relation to conservative politics), Reform, and Reconstructionist (both very “choose your own/your community’s adventure).

Probably will write more parts in the future, but this is heinously long already! Hope this is helpful!

[nerdygaymormon]

hi! i was wondering what you thought about going to pride (parties/parades/events). i've been told that celebrating queerness or acknowledging that I am gay in anyway other than as an admission of sin or 'i am gay but you know what jesus helped me rise above it so im basically not even gay anymore and i never talk about it'. but i really want to go to pride, but is that bad? like, "celebrating the homosexual lifestyle" is wrong, but is there even a "homosexual" lifestyle? anyway, any thoughts?

I know many gay church members who hold callings and are “out” and known in their congregation and community who go to Pride. Every June my social media is flooded with pictures of them at Salt Lake Pride. 

The Church doesn’t discourage people from going to Pride, or to not acknowledge they are gay or any other similar restrictions (although the Church used to discourage all these things, even counseled against using the word “gay,” but no longer). 

There may be a local leader who imposes his own tougher standard, but he would be out of line. To say you are sinning by declaring you’re gay is contrary to the Church’s position. The Church say it is not sinful to be gay, it’s actions that are sinful. The Church also does not expect Jesus and His atonement to change anyone to not be gay. 

The Church’s requirement is for a gay member to remain chaste (to not engage in sexual activity). You can read more at the Church’s website. Basically, any activity which is permitted for straight single people is also permitted for gay single people. 

Can a person go to support groups for queer people (like GSA or PFLAG or an LGBTQ community center) and be a good member of the church? Yes

Can a member be in good standing and attend a gathering of queer people who are playing games or going to the movies, or to an art exhibit together? Yes

Can a person go to a celebration like Pride and be a good member? Yes.

Can a person be “out” as gay and serve as a missionary? Yes 

Can a person attend a conference for LGBTQIA members? Yes. In fact, Affirmation and North Star both hold conferences in Utah that are well attended. Affirmation’s conference even does a session for LDS Church leaders like bishops and stake presidents

Can someone who is gay hold hands, hug, snuggle with, dance with, date and kiss with someone else who is gay? Yes...unless you’re attending one of the church schools because it’s against the Honor Code. However, while allowed, these things make leaders very nervous because they’re steps along the way to becoming a couple, having a relationship, and so on, but these are not unchaste activities.

Can someone go to a gay bar and remain in good standing with the church? Yes, but this is getting into an area where leaders would also be concerned about straight members going to a bar. However, in many places a gay bar is the only queer-specific space and you could be going there to see a performance or something along that line. 

Can someone vote in support of gay marriage and show that support on social media and remain a member in good standing? Yes. Elder Christofferson clarified this back in 2015.

Can a church member attend a gay wedding and still have a temple recommend? Of course. We can celebrate the milestones of the lives of our friends and family. This is like asking can a member attend an infant’s christening and remain a good member. 

Essentially it comes down to this, as long as you aren’t having sex and you aren’t advocating for the church to be forced to perform gay marriage, or in some other way to use the government to force the church to change its teachings and doctrine, you’re welcome to follow your conscience and still be a member in good standing. 

As for “celebrating the homosexual lifestyle,” what even does that mean? A homosexual lifestyle is however a gay person lives, and there’s many ways to live as a gay person. That’s like talking about a “heterosexual lifestyle,” it’s basically meaningless because however a straight person lives is their “lifestyle.” 

[arcticdementor]

I was talking to Sarah yesterday and I had a revelation I think is worth sharing.

Let’s begin at the beginning. About a month ago, Instapundit posted this.

Now, I’ve been thinking of the rise and fall of civilizations lately. I can’t think why it’s been on my mind. It’s a tale as old as time—a civilization emerges, establishes a new worthwhile order, the good things brought forth by said order soften up the people maintaining it, the softening turns to decadence, and the decadence gives way to the barbarians, who clean the slate. Where would you say things are lately?

…

In short—the federal government of the United States of America has become impotent at almost all good things.

Expanded out—There is no start to its talents. It cannot maintain its borders. Since the “election” it doesn’t even try. No surprise there. It cannot maintain friendly relationships with allies—as our recent screwing of Britain on our way out of Afghanistan shows. The “leader” of the “free world” could not be bothered to pick up the phone for our closest ally. Speaking of Afghanistan, it can’t win a war. It can’t even lose gracefully. In fact it fucked up leaving so badly some people are entertaining that it intended to fuck it up, because how the fuck does somebody above the age of six not notice that pulling the military out first and the civilians out second is not even a remotely workable strategy? Resulting in leaving millions of dollars of equipment—and—excuse me, what? Millions of dollars of dollars in the desert? Fantastic.

It makes self sabotaging and idiotic choices to stymie its own domestic oil industry, while accepting a pipeline not from Canada, but one that’s a joint Russian-German venture instead. Which means the problem, contrary to any environmentalist whining, isn’t the pipeline—it’s the pipeline with a friendly country. Big surprise— its only true interest in the environment lies in international agreements that hamstring us while doing nothing to China, the world’s largest polluter. It either can’t be trusted on energy production  and the environment, or is trying to get it wrong.

It can’t manage its economy. What could have been a “V” shaped recovery has been turned into an “L” shaped one. What could be contributing? Paying people to do nothing? Rampant inflation? Meanwhile all the dumbasses running the country can think of is spending several billion more dollars that don’t exist. The country has infrastructure problems for a fact, but they’ll only acknowledge that to the extent of cynically plastering the word on an “infrastructure” bill which is in fact just a far Left wishlist that largely ignores actual infrastructure, in the hopes people will be dumb enough to support it because it has the right label.

And on.

And on.

And on.

What aptitudes does it have besides taking money, trampling civil liberties, and ignoring constitutional laws at gunpoint? News flash, dummies: We don’t need peaceful protestors incarcerated without a trial. We don’t need the weight of the federal government turned to the problem of violating states rights because Texas passed a law Biden doesn’t like. We need military egresses that look like they weren’t planned by Bozo the clown and an economic plan better than something China would design for us as an attempt to permanently sink the country. Is there anyone at all in DC who can provide that? If not, is there anything useful they can do? I’ll wait.

…

This is what decadence looks like. When the government stops even attempting competence because nothing and nobody that currently exists can replace or displace them so who cares about results? When comfort and plenty have become so common, been taken for granted for so long, that the question of utility or even basic sanity isn’t even distantly considered. When it’s assumed that self-harming policies that will obviously damage the country won’t really matter because nobody has ever known a world without America and fundamentally has no idea how the present day came to be. When the country’s most educated start chasing bizarre and unimaginably stupid ideas on economics that boil down to “inflation won’t happen if you double the monetary supply by printing money, if only you just believe hard enough”. In fact, when education stops being a means to greater insight, more useful abilities, and a better life, and becomes a cult devoted to the kind of idiocy that can survive only with strenuous censorship, the tenets of the cult being treated by the indoctrinated as a collection of sacred mysteries and deeply-thought paradoxes— while to those not similarly trained it is self-obviously a collection of contradictory and self-serving lies.

Verily, decadence is here. We can infer that what comes next is the barbarians. And we have options. Mexican illegals? A heady mixture of poverty-stricken Marxists who have never known a system that wasn’t corrupt, functionally lawless, and devoted to the tenets of voting oneself rich; and outright criminals with lives like “a demon’s resumé”? Perhaps radical Muslims? By sheer numbers worldwide they’re the most likely option. The Taliban just got a huge infusion of cash and a big boost in morale. In a few short days we’ll know whether they’ve arranged a thank you gift for Zho Bi-Xen and his kleptocrat marching band to commemorate his intended pull-out date. But even if, and God I hope, they have not, we can expect an uptick in terrorism and quite shortly. Or perhaps China? The Middle Kingdom would laugh at being called barbarians, but I call genocidal communists like I see them. Mao was morally three steps below a pig and Xi has enough power to aspire to greater depths. As is I wouldn’t dream of feeding a pig Mu Shu Xi due to the great risk of poisoning the pig.

But there is a barbarian group not considered. Us.

Hang on. Before you balk, listen. Look again at what these idiots are selling as the fruits of civilization. Defenses of pedophilia and urinals as art. And more, too—sterilization and disfigurement of teenagers in the form of sex changes. Black supremacy as a panacea to made up threats of white supremacy. Books nobody reads, movies nobody watches, paintings that exist only to launder money—even the ones not made by Hunter Biden.

What good person would not be proud to be considered a barbarian by these miserable, over-decorated Faberge people? I’d be mortified if they agreed with me! So they think I’m a sexist or a racist or whatever. Fine. They do not use these words to mean the same things I mean, so it’s a pointless argument, and they are now officially beneath my explaining myself to them. When the people who are calling me names are so morally opaque that the Taliban can make devastating critiques of them just by referencing the foundational works of their own gender studies programs, I’m done caring about the names. Fine. I’m what you think is a racist. I’m what you think is a sexist. But you think a lot of very stupid things, and as the curtain continues to draw back on the carnival of madness that’s been behind the scenes the entire time it’s occurring to me that what you think and reality overlap so seldom that the only time not to ignore you is when I can ridicule you. If that is your civilization, someone hand me a pointy horned helmet.

…

Yes, this is a moment of peril, but also opportunity. See in your country what every hostile group listed above sees in it—the makings of great civilization, along other, less stupid lines. All of it guarded by weak, fat, stupid people with no will and no self-belief. Take that mindset and go forth.

Get involved in your local systems. There is an old prayer for God to make ones enemies ridiculous. Congratulations to whomever was still praying it. Your prayers have been answered. Will you tell me that you cannot defeat these people? People who lose casual debates to terrorists not on principle but on basic facts?

…

You can’t reason with them so don’t bother. Recent events have made it clear you may as well try to talk sense into a three-day-old mackerel. Just confront them with their own stupidity so that people who see the inevitable video understand what this is about, and don’t feel that you are too good to shout them out of the room. You’re the barbarian, remember? Not like the nice civilized people with their gender-queer Tik-Tokers pushing vaccine propaganda. That means you’re excused from conversations with morons. Don’t bother trying to find common ground. Look at where they’re standing! Do you want to try to find the midpoint between that and reality? Silly. Pointless. Send them back to their walled online gardens to whine to their equally stupid friends about the barbarians.

Can we take it back from the ground up? I don’t know. But hey, it’s got to be worth a shot. Join the fun! Find some friends and locate a low-hanging political event to raid. When was the last time you went to a town hall for your town? Isn’t just a part of you curious to know whether your local county commissioner starts by declaring her pronouns? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see someone like that made very uncomfortable? You can make that happen. You can probably do it within the next month. Bring a few friends! Or a few dozen. Some of the people reading this probably were afraid to do that kind of thing for fear of losing their job. The Biden economy might have freed up some of your time. What have you got to lose now? More importantly, the way things are going, are you going to lose it anyway if things continue as they are? Think on it.

[lightinalexandria]

Love, Men, Women, and LGBTQ+ Life in Egypt

August 13, 2021 اغسطس ١٣

A good friend posed the question to me this week of asking “Where are you local?” Instead of “Where are you from?” I might even tweak that slightly to “Where do you feel at home?” For most of us, and in fact for most other places I’ve lived, the equation is a simple line graph. More time, more familiarity, more comfort, more feeling like home. I’m challenged here, at the end of my second summer in Egypt, with a different calculus.

The more I speak with my friends and teachers in their “heart language” of Arabic, the more I see how deep the generosity, sociability, and collective spirit run. Not all my friends are Muslim, but I see these traits represented in the 5 Pillars of Islam beautifully, and I’ve been told so in many different ways.

That’s the part that feels more like home. But of course, if it was all sunshine this would be a different story. This is not a happy post. I don’t have any female friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy. I don’t have any queer friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy.

Of course that doesn’t mean there are no happy females in Egypt; my internationally minded, English speaking group isn’t representative, I know, and I’ve had many conversations with more conservative teachers and friends about the contentment that can come from living inside a more rigid structure.

But…I don’t know everyone in Egypt. I just know my friends. And many of them are desperately, painfully unhappy, stressed, in ways that I understand more fully the longer I’m here. I think “right and wrong” or “good and bad” are wildly unhelpful terms, so when I’m trying to understand how I feel about these societal norms and systems, the right to happiness of my friends is my bellwether. Systems that make more people happier without hurting others are ones I want to support, period, which also means my anecdotal circle can’t be my only data points. I’m a little nervous where those conclusions might lead me, dancing around big questions of class and culture and religion, but more nervous not to draw a line in the sand with the best metric I know and explore from there.

Apparently sexual harassment has decreased a bit since the government put some teeth into a new anti-harassment law a couple years ago and they made an example of a few offenders. That’s nice. The street -especially at night- still does NOT feel like a safe or friendly place, and I just get tiny glimpses of that walking near female friends. Life is lived in the streets here, the pedestrian density like Times Square, always, so the sheer volume of people quickly makes crowd thoughts and judgement evident. Sitting with a female friend at anything but a super upscale cafe, I see the glances and catch bits of the conversation as they pass judgement on her for hanging out with me. What a wild thought, that any conversation I have with an Egyptian women starts with the brave act of her choosing to engage at all, know the subtle pressures that will start in from all sides. One of my friends who wears a hijab told me that when she went to Cairo, she brought extra wide clothes to walk the streets with, and it didn’t matter. She got just as many comments as when she was back in tights clothes.

Who gets the blame? Young men have so few opportunities to interact with young women outside immediate circles, period, but are still somehow supposed to meet a potential bride and move her into the new house that he’ll buy with cash savings from the extended family? Old black and white Egyptian movies show women in skirts and t-shirts, and Egyptian music videos show Western dressed Egyptian women gyrating, but aside from a few pockets of wealth and international society in Alexandria, those images of women don’t exist in the real world here. Men are allowed and encouraged to date casually, but women are called sluts for kissing someone who may not be an eventual husband. Women are supposed to protect their virginity, while men want to fool around with lots of women but settle down with a virgin bride. The math doesn’t work. My heart goes out to the working class men in an impossible, frustrating position, society and politics conspiring against biology, but while they have to worry about their reputation, women here worry about reputation AND safety, always.

And LGBTQ+? First of all, it’s just so difficult to have intimate relations here -every lives with family, you can’t be intimate until you’re married, you can’t be married until you own a house, you can be arrested in public spaces for PDA, and no one will rent rooms to an unmarried couple-. That means there is a SIGNIFICANT percentage of the men here who sleep with other men, feel shame, would never consider themselves gay, and would only consent to being a “top.” Honestly, it reminds me of what I know of the sexual politics in prison culture, except no one’s in a physical prison here.

Sexual health is also a huge challenge; access to STI testing apart from HIV is impossible for unmarried women and hugely expensive for men. Someone in my circle here had complications from a “Plan B” pill and wasn’t able to go to a gynecologist as an unmarried woman. Someone else was hospitalized for an unrelated illness, and jubilant that as part of the hospital stay, insurance would cover the full battery of STI screening before surgery, the first time in a very active sexual life they’d ever had that. Someone else just lost a friend to HIV; they told the family it was cancer, but were too ashamed to seek the HIV treatment pills, and died in a few months.

Mental health has its own obstacles. Someone I know was told by a licensed therapist they were going to hell if they kept sleeping with men, unmarried. I heard that from women and queer friends as well. How do you establish a relationship of trust in the first place if licensed practitioners in the country are able to say things like that in the privacy of their sessions without consequences?

So, full circle to the beginning of the post. “Where do you feel local?” or “Where do you feel at home?”

I feel infinitely more familiar and comfortable here than my first few weeks, no denying that. 95% of the time I can make myself understood in daily life (very different than understanding 95% of what’s being said to ME in daily life, but progress). I can call businesses here to ask questions. I can tell meandering stories. I can cross the comically busy and chaotic streets without an adrenaline spike. I run into friends on the street most days, and my last 100 meters from my neighborhood entrance to apartment involves a dozen different greetings and little conversations. I have my favorite….everything; food carts, Syrian sweets, juice shops, rotisseries, beaches, bars, cafes, and a good rapport with the folks working there. I have a lot of lovely but more surface level relationships, and a few real and intimate friendships. All that DOES feel local, does feel like home.

If feeling local or at home here means giving any kind of tacit acceptance to the norms that make my friends so unhappy, though, I don’t want to claim the label. I also don’t feel like I have any right or power as an outsider to do much more than listen, affirm, connect to resources when I can. I left China after staying in Xinjiang province and seeing the government’s cultural genocide of Uighur society, and I haven’t been back since. (You can read my writings at the time with the link here) What’s my path here in Egypt? Love the player, hate the game? Can I come back next summer and complete my 6 months of study plan, knowing I float through a golden bubble of American male protection I can’t extend to my friends here? I really don’t know yet. No wise or pithy ending sentence here. Just a lot of hurt, a mixed bag of emotions, and a whole lot of people who deserve uncomplicated love and happiness.

[gaylotusthatexists]

hidden

pairing: moxiety

summary: Virgil has been in a relationship with Patton for a month now, but isn’t sure how much longer he can keep it up whilst closeted.

trigger warnings: implied homophobia, talks of breaking up, please let me know if i need to add anything

word count: 1489

a/n: it’s day fourteen of pride month!!! today’s prompt was ‘boundaries’. i had a lot of fun with this one tbh, and i’m just a little bit sorry but i hope y’all enjoy!!!

ao3

Virgil had been with Patton for a month now, and things were... okay. He was still trying to settle into it. This was his first boyfriend, and, whilst Patton was certainly more experienced, having been in a few relationships himself, they were still trying to figure things out between them. Virgil loved Patton, he really did - he'd known that way before they were even dating, back when he could only ever see them as friends, even Patton knew that Virgil loved him back then. But dating was different than just being friends, and Virgil wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to keep this up.

Patton was very physical, he always had been, and he was loud and wanted everyone to know just how much Virgil meant to him. And that was fine, it wasn't much different to when they were just friends, but... Virgil was still scared, sort of. He didn't know how any of this worked, didn't know how to give back to Patton, didn't like the way that people were always staring at him. He knew they probably weren't, knew that he was just paranoid, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that every time Patton brushed against him, every time they held hand, every time they embraced, they were being watched.

It didn't help that Virgil was still very much closeted. Of course, Patton knew, and so did a few of Patton's friends, but Virgil's (all straight, as far as he was aware) friend group had no idea, and neither did his family. Coming out to any of them seemed like a daunting task - he imagined his friends wouldn't care that much, although they did occasionally make 'jokes' that were, well, jokes that didn't exactly give Virgil much faith. And then his family... He couldn't come out to them, not yet, he was terrified that it would go terribly wrong, and he knew his parents feelings about the queer community, and...

He breathed in and out as he walked down the hall, hand in hand with Patton, on their way out the building. A Friday afternoon, the end of the week. The two would usually hang out in the local park on a Friday, as both of Virgil's parents worked late and Patton's younger sister’s friends always went round to his house. What Virgil hadn't been expecting that day was for his other friends to be waiting outside the building for him.

"Virgil!" one said, hopping down from the steps and walking besides him. "You coming to the party tonight?"

Virgil let go of Patton's hand, wiping it against his jeans. "Not tonight, sorry," he mumbled.

His friend seemed disappointed. "Why not?"

"I, um, kinda already have plans?" he said, motioning his head towards Patton, who awkwardly waved at his friend.

"Who's this?"

"This is Patton," Virgil introduced. "We're, uh, we have a science project together." They weren't even in the same science class, but his friend didn't know that. Virgil had to think of some excuse.

"Oh." His friend hummed. "Well, I'll text you tomorrow, yeah? Think we're heading down into town, you should come with."

"Y-Yeah, definitely." Virgil nodded. "Just let me know what's happening."

"Yup." His friend smiled. "See ya!" He walked off, joining Virgil's other friends again. Once Patton and Virgil had left the school gate and turned the corner, he let out a breath.

"Sorry," he said, talking Patton's hand again. "I, um..."

"Why did you tell him we're working on a science project together?" Patton asked, innocently.

"I, uh..." Virgil tapped his fingers on his leg. "He doesn't know."

"You could just tell him we're dating," Patton said.

"No, I- He doesn't know that I'm..." He trailed off.

After a few moments of silence, Patton let out, "Oh."

"Yeah." They turned into a park, going to sit on their usual bench.

"Are you planning on telling them?" Patton asked, after a while.

"Not really."

"Oh."

Silence again. Virgil breathed in. Patton seemed to get the idea that Virgil wasn't going to speak anymore. He nuzzled into Virgil's side, as he usually did, and for a moment Virgil relaxed. He felt, for a moment, like the world wasn't watching him, like he could just be himself and nobody would care.

But then he remembered his friend staring at Patton, confused, concerned. He must have seen them holding hands when they walked out the school. What if he'd followed them? What if he was that desperate to know what was going on that he was spying on them now? What if he knew that they were a thing, what would happen to Virgil? Would he be kicked out the friend group? Would he tell his parents? Would he tell the whole school?

Patton kissed Virgil's cheek, and Virgil scooted away, trying not to look at the confused, slightly hurt look on Patton's face.

"I can't do this," Virgil whispered, trying to get his heart rate under control. He knew he probably wasn't being watched, but didn't even want to risk it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this up, how much longer he could stay hidden when all he wanted to do was hold Patton, allow Patton to show his affection, but he couldn't let go of the anxiety surrounding everything, the fear pulling him down deeper and deeper.

"Can't do what?" Patton asked, moving closer again.

Virgil turned away. He didn't want to look at Patton, couldn't look at Patton when he said this. "This. I... I can't do us. I'm scared, every second of my existence, that one day the wrong person will find out and everything will turn to shit. And I... You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who isn't afraid of the world knowing what goes on between you and them."

Silence, lasting much longer than Virgil was comfortable with. He felt like he could cry. He didn't want to, didn't want Patton to think he was upset, didn't want to hurt Patton. But maybe there was no other way out of this.

"You're not... You're not breaking up with me, are you?"

Virgil could feel himself shaking, and maybe he was going to cry. Brilliant. "I... I don't want to," he admitted, "but... we might have to. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

He felt a hand land on his shoulder, and part of him wanted to swipe it away but the other part was just happy for human contact, for warmth, and for a moment his shaking calmed down.

"Is this because you aren't out?" Patton asked. "Because, really, there's no pressure for you to come out, if you aren't ready or if it isn't safe, or..."

Virgil breathed in and out. "I do want to stay with you," he promised. "I just... I just think that it's better for both of us if we..."

"Virgil," Patton said, moving closer again and trying to twist his body around to look Virgil in the eyes. "If... If there's anything I can do at all to help you feel safe in this relationship, you can tell me, y'know?" He smiled, softly, and Virgil melted. He loved Patton's smile. "I know I can be a little much sometimes, so... just tell me, okay? We can work out some boundaries if it makes you feel more comfortable. I don't mind staying hidden, I just... I want to be with you."

Virgil stared at Patton for a while longer, unsure what to do. He didn't want to have to leave Patton, but he also didn't want to be hard work, didn't want to have to force Patton to stop doing everything that he wanted to. Patton deserved so much better than Virgil. But...

"Please, Virgil," Patton said, quietly. "Just tell me, whatever I have to do. I'll do it. I want you to feel safe."

Virgil breathed in. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Virgil." Patton took his hands, squeezing them tight. "Whatever will make you feel comfortable, just tell me."

Virgil's eyes drifted to the ground. "Public affection is a little much, sometimes," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't mind in private, do whatever you want in private, but... when there are people around, especially in school, I'd rather you not touch me constantly. Short hugs are fine, and hand holding is okay sometimes, but... kisses and cuddles are..."

Patton nodded. "I get it, Virgil. I understand."

The tips of Virgil's lips tilted up. "Are you sure this is...?"

"It's okay, Virgil," Patton said, smiling. "We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, yeah?"

Virgil smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, thanks."

They stared at each other a moment longer, before Patton hummed. "How about we go back to my house? No one will see us there."

Virgil nodded, a little too quickly. "Yes. Yes, yeah that'd be good."

"I love you, y'know?"

"Yeah. I love you too, Pat."

[goldenpinof]

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

[ayy-spec]

@abrofriend ‘s Abro Ask Game!

1. Lizards or Cats?

I’ve never met a lizard, but they seem like cool little guys. I do like cats, but they both seem good

2. Are you on the a-spectrum?

Very much so! I often have periods of feeling no attraction at all, and sometimes when I do feel attraction it’s gray. I’m also demiromantic.

3. Do you crush easily? 

No. I thought that I did as a kid, but looking back I think that most of my “crushes” were just me wanting to be friends with a boy and saying “oh so a crush!” I would say that I’ve only had 3 real crushes in my life.

4. Have you tried out other labels before this one? 

It’s funny, abrosexual was actually one of the first labels I identified with when I started questioning my sexuality, but then I thought it wasn’t right for me and tried some other labels. I identified as a lesbian for some time, and then as “nonbinary and likes girls”. Then when my sexuality changed again I realized that I’m abro/fluid. 

5. Are you abrosexual, abroromantic, or both? 

I ID as abrosexual and I don’t label my romantic orientation by gender. I experience romantic attraction so rarely that it doesn’t seem helpful.

6. Are you still questioning? 

No, I might switch labels or find new ones I like but I think I know where I’m at.

7. Do you like the flag colors? What do they mean to you? 

I think the flag is very pretty! I feel like the different shades represent fluctuating sexuality and changing intensity of attraction. I like that there are 2 colors in addition to white because I feel like it represents experiencing distinct sexualities. 

8. What’s it like when you fluctuate? 

I usually don’t notice it until I see someone pretty and either feel attraction for the first time in a while to a person of that gender or I see a pretty person and don’t feel attraction when I was expecting to.

9. How long are your “phases”? 

They usually last months at a time. When I identified as a lesbian that was a phase of only liking women that lasted at least 6 months, maybe over a year.

10. Have you come out to anyone (It’s ok if you haven’t)? 

Yes, but I’ve only come out specifically as abro to one of my therapists. Other times I’ve either said queer, bi, or fluid.

11. What do you like best about our community? 

Unfortunately I haven’t been involved in the abro community specifically. My favorite thing about the queer and a-spec communities is the acceptance of all different kinds of people and what they like.

12. What have you shifted to most, lately? 

Ace mode babey. I’ve been in this phase for probably 2 months now

13. Fandom blog or aesthetic blog? 

This is an aesthetic blog, but my main account is humor and just whatever I’m feeling

14. Green or pink? 

Pink

15. Do you have a crush right now? 

No

16. Are you involved in your local community? 

This is kind of a vague question. I assume this is referring to my local LGBTQ+, and the answer is yes. At my job I actually run an LGBTQ+ support group!

17. Do you like multiple genders, or just one? 

I shift between liking different genders, but I have been attracted to people of all different genders.

18. Do you have an abro blog? 

This blog isn’t abro specific but I do post abro stuff sometimes

19. Do you want to know more abro people? 

I’d like to know even 1 other abro person lol

20. Do you like being abro?

Honestly, I wish that I had a stable allo orientation. I feel like things would be easier, especially finding someone to date. However, I don’t think being abro is a bad thing. I love the flag and it’s definitely interesting to have a fluid orientation.

[chemartsblog]

For Love of Sassy Brunettes

Pairing: Steve/any sassy brunette, BrOTP Steve & Bucky

Summary: Bucky knows there’s one thing that get’s Steve’s engine going: Sassy Brunettes.

For the Love of Sassy Brunettes

If Bucky could pin it on a singular event, he’d say that Steve found his fondness for brunettes when a nine-year old Chloe Dayzula saved his pasty ass from the local bullies. The girl was fierce with brown curls, tanned skin, brown eyes and a mouth that’s not afraid to sass anyone out. Normally, Bucky could easily take out Donald Stump and his crew, but he wasn’t there that day and those bullies tried too advantage of it.

Fortunately, Chole was, and she did not like seeing those bullies beating down the sick kid with asthma. From the way Steve and the other kids tell it, that spitfire literally kicked Donald Stump’s ass to the ground. Then she got in-between the bully and Steve, put her hands on her hips and yelled, “My dog’s got bigger balls than you, Stump. Go play on the train tracks if you wanna show off your manliness.”

That right there…that image of a strong sassy brunette defending the weak was burned into Steve’s memories forever.

When Bucky got on the scene, Steve was a stuttering red mess as he tried to thank the girl. “I-I don’t know how I could thank you, Chloe.” Steve mumbled, shifting slightly on his feet.

Chloe had grinned and batted her eyelashes prettily. “You could get ice cream with me.”

Steve looked like he just found gold on a well-trodden road. He smiles eagerly, “Y-yeah of course—em sure yeah!”

Bucky has to bite his fist to stop himself from laughing, but at least Chloe found it endearing. She laughed and took his hand, taking him towards the ice cream shop. When Steve looked back, Bucky gave him two thumbs up and mouths a ‘good luck’.

Steve and Chloe ‘date’ for a month until she had to leave with her parents to go to another state. It’s the first time Bucky sees Steve cry over a girl.

                                                                                                                  _*_*_

Over the years, Bucky starts seeing a trend in Steve’s crushes. Almost all of them are brunettes and who usually show a hint of fire in them. As far as Bucky knew, they were all girls until Yin Pothong transferred to school. The fourteen-year-old boy was tall, lithe and very very handsome. Even Bucky couldn’t stop his double glances at the teen’s exotic features. The wavy tussle of dark brown hair rested neatly on his head, his eyes a deep dark black that makes all the girls (and boys) melt.

They said his parents were mixed, which is why he looks so damn good. Bucky can believe it, and Steve definitely believed it.

It was probably the third time Steve tripped over his legs when Yin passed by during gym, and Bucky’s had enough of his friend’s painful mooning. So he does the ‘good friend’ thing and calls Yin over to them during break. The tall amiable boy smiles brightly and waves at Bucky and Steve.

“Hi Bucky.” Then he turns his brown eyes to his red quivering friend. “Hi Steve.”

Steve is a statue. A very red gaping statue.

Bucky clears his throat, “Ahem, y’know Yin, Steve is also a big fan of the Brooklyn Robins. We got tickets to one of the games on Saturday, but I can’t make it…” he hints.

Yin grins. “I’d be happy to; if Steve’s okay with it?” He answers glancing to the still statuesque teen.

Bucky discretely grinds down on Steve’s foot, and somehow snaps him out of his stupor.

“Y-yeah yes—well—I mean—that is—!”

An exasperated Bucky delivers another quick jab to the stuttering teen’s side, and Steve manages to get himself together to string a coherent sentence.

“Yes. Yes. I definitely wouldn’t mind. Love to have you there, Yin.” Steve finishes lamely.

It doesn’t seem to discourage Yin, which is a good sign. The handsome brunette takes out a piece of paper and writes his address and home number on it.

“Here, call me if anything comes up. Otherwise we should meet up at my place before the game. Probably 12? My mom probably would want to make lunch for us.” He says.

Steve takes the piece of paper like it’s the most precious artifact in the world, and looks at Yin with wide eyes. “Y-yeah 12 is good.”

“Great! See you then, Steve.” And Yin takes off, heading towards another group of people.

Bucky grins, “Smooth dude.”

“Shut up, Buck. You were the same way with Mellissa.”

“That’s because I got lost in those massive tits.”

Steve slaps his friend’s arm playfully. “You’re an animal.”

“Never said I wasn’t.” Bucky grins.

They pause and Steve asks carefully, “So you’re okay if I’m…a little queer?”

Bucky grins and ruffles his friend’s hair. “Tits, pecs, dicks, vag’s. Doesn’t matter to me. You’re still the most awkward fucking dude I know.”

“Ha-ha.” Steve retorts, but there’s a relieved grin on his face.

                                                             _*_*_

One of the strangest things Bucky starts recalling during his imprisonment is all the faces of Steve’s crushes. For whatever reason, the drone of the names and faces going through his brain are enough to keep him relatively sane during the kooky doctor’s experiments.

If some of the guards give him weird looks every time he starts listing the names of Steve’s sassy brunette crushes, well…he’s too tired of Nazi shit to care.

In fact he’s just in the middle of talking about Yin when lo and behold Steve comes barging through the door. Well he thinks it’s Steve, but this Steve is waaay bigger than the Steve he remembers. Is this a hallucination?

“Who’s the sassy brunet who saved you on the playground when Donald came after you?” Bucky asks suspiciously. Big-Steve snorts and answers, “Chloe Dayzula. My first crush.”

Bucky looks him up and down. “Huh. What happened to you?”

“I joined the army.” Is the easy answer.

Whatever, Bucky’s too tired to complain or think too hard on it.

_*_*_

The moment Bucky recovered and laid eyes on Elizabeth ‘Peggy’ Carter, he knew. He didn’t even have to look at Steve standing beside him. Peggy is the whole package, and he’s going to gloat at their wedding.

Honestly, Bucky gets it. Peggy is hot, dangerous and has the look of someone who’s not afraid to kick your ass. He’d be jealous if it was anyone but Steve. As it was, he’s more than happy to play wingman to the dork. And Steve really needs it. The two idiots dance around each other like nobody’s business. It’s one of the worst cases of pining Bucky’s ever seen. The air around them tense and sizzling with unsaid promises. Every eye at the bar on the two, asking will they? Are they?

It’s kinda cute how Steve’s changed so much but still retained that awkward boyish attitude when it comes to women. Bucky would have laughed if he hadn’t seen this same dance for the past eighteen years. Still, it’s cute that Steve found a dangerously hot brunette in the army of all things.

Bucky puts down his drink and sits across from Steve, eyes gleaming and smirk sharp.

“So…Peggy.” He starts.

Steve sighs, “Bucky…”

“What?” he asks innocently. “I’m just stating the name of our very pretty, very brunette, and very spicy lady.”

“If she hears you say that she’ll fill you with lead and then turn you inside out before doing it again.” Steve retorts.

Bucky shivers. “Yup you’re right about that, but what if you said that?”

“She’d have to use the bigger guns.”

“Alright, fair enough.” Bucky acquiesces. “But seriously, it’s like I wasn’t even there. Did you forget that I was standing next to you?”

Steve chuckles. “I could never forget you, Bucky.”

“Better not. I snagged you that hot boyfriend, Yin.”

“No you didn’t.” Steve denies.

“Yes I did, Steve don’t even start. If I hadn’t dropped in with that whole, ‘oh no. I can’t go to the baseball game’ schtick, you’d have been mooning over him until he moved.”

The larger man sighs, “Yeah you’re probably right. He was something.”

“Like a Peggy something?” Bucky grins.

Steve pushes Bucky, and this time, it actually topples the man down.

“Oh shoot, I’m sorry Buck!” Steve cries as he helps his friend up. Bucky waves him away.

“Eh bound to happen someday.” He says. “But you owe me.”

“What do you want?”

“I call best man.” Bucky grins.

Steve laughs. “Win the war first; then we can talk about weddings.”

(Bucky’s last thought as he falls is: Damn I’ll miss my best friend’s wedding.)

                                                               _*_*_

Seventy years would change everything and nothing. Steve convinced him to stay after the whole Hydra debacle, and they were able to rescue his mind with Stark and Shuri’s help. The first thing he does after staggering out of the pod is hug Steve, holding onto his brother and best friend tightly.

“Sorry about Peggy.” He mutters.

Steve smiles sadly and pats his back, “It’s okay. She lived a good life.”

“I’m glad.”

Of course, Stark isn’t really one for sappy reunions and snaps at the two. “Uhhh…why don’t I see any loving for the two amazing geniuses that recovered your brain?” he sasses. “I’m just saying that we saved your brain. With our brains and a lot of cool science stuff.”

Bucky glares at the man and then turns to Steve. He leans close to his ear and whispers, “I swear to God Steve if you’ve got a boner for that guy…”

The silence and tension in his shoulders is all he needs to know. Bucky groans and drops his head against Steve’s shoulder.

“Uuuugggghhhh.” He intones dramatically.

Steve pats his head. “Sorry, buddy.”

“You owe me so much for this.”

                                                     _*_*_

At least Steve makes good on his promise and gives Bucky the honor of best man. Take that Sam!

Bucky raises his glass in a toast and grins. “Tony, of all the sassy brunettes that Steve has liked over the years, you would be the last one I thought Steve would marry.”

Tony sends him the middle finger, but Bucky just laughs it off and continues. “But you really stepped up and showed that you’re the best one for my brother. So best of luck to Steve and you. You’re probably the only two people who could marry each other without going insane.”

The dining hall is filled with laugher and applause as Bucky bows and takes a seat. After the wedding ceremony, Steve comes up and gives him a hug and a playful punch. Stark actually does the human thing and gives Bucky a proper hug too.

“Wow is the world ending?” Bucky jokes.

Tony rolls his eyes. “You weren’t funny seventy years ago and you aren’t funny now.”

“Rude. Steve are you going to let your husband talk to your brother-in-law like that?”

Said man rolls his eyes in response. “I’m not getting in-between your weird play-feuds. Just don’t have another Poptart incident.”

“Hey that was all Thor.” Tony complains.

Bucky nods vigorously, “Yeah we hardly had anything to do with it!”

“Clint, Bruce and Tasha think differently. Even Thor thinks differently.”

“Figures.” Bucky mutters. “They always blame the class clowns.”

“I’m more of a class genius.” Tony retorts.

Before the two can get into another bickering session, Steve hauls them towards the photographer. They get one good picture, and then Bucky somehow gets cake all over Tony and it’s just pandemonium from there. Steve is fine with it. It wouldn’t be a Stony wedding without an impromptu food fight.

                                                      _*_*_

Bucky should have known something like this would happen. Steve is the biggest sap he knew and Tony is no better. Especially when it comes in a cute seven-year-old package.

Steve saved this tiny child from a bombing in Queens. Unfortunately, poor Peter lost his aunt and uncle during the attack, leaving the child with no home to go to. Steve only had to give the authorities his best, Captain America look before they’re handing him the paperwork to take the child into his temporary custody once Peter’s been cleared by the doctor’s.

Bucky should have known it would be anything but temporary.

And it got worse when Tony found out the child’s potential genius. The two children were busy playing in the lab all day, and Steve just looked over them like a proud mother duck. Bucky would have torn his hair out if it wasn’t so damn cute.

Of course, Tony and Steve filed for adoption within a week of knowing Peter, and soon they’ll have a newly minted Peter Parker-Stark-Rogers.

Bucky sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, while Steve gives him the biggest puppy-dog eyes as he tucks Peter close.

“Steve.” Bucky says.

“Bucky.”

His friend looks at Steve then at the small child in Steve’s arms and honestly, Bucky’s a stupid sap too because he gets it.

“I call godfather.” Bucky replies.

“You’ll have to fight, Clint, Thor, and Bruce for that honor.” Steve answers.

“What about godmother?”

“You’ll have to fight Tasha and Pepper for it.”

“I’ll try my hand at godfather.”

“Good idea.”

Bucky shakes his head in amusement. “I always knew you had a weakness for sassy brunettes, but this wasn’t what I expected to come out of it.”

“Because I married Tony?” Steve asks.

Bucky shakes his head and looks meaningfully at the small child who’s building some kind of spider robot with Legos.

Steve looks offended and gasps. “Peter is not sassy.”

“Yeah Uncle Buck, I’m not sassy. I’m an angel.” Peter…well sasses.

His old friend only has to give Steve a look and the sheepish man just shoots Bucky a wry grin.

“What can I say? I have a type.”