#all I want is a local (queer) friend group and/or someone to date me. is that so much to ask! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mysticmunson · 2 years

Text

from the script; eddie munson

prompt: the preachers daughter decides to help eddie munson study shakespeare to take a glance into the life of a normal teenager. but when they become best friends, things become a tad more complicated

word count: 7.1k (whoopsies)

warning: smut (18+), religious themes, shame in regards to sex, let me know if i missed any :)

an: hi all, thank u again for 1,000 followers. i adore u all so much. i'm planning on making this a series, i'm unsure of how many parts, but yeah enjoy :)

an 2 : so this was fairly therapeutic for me as i am a spiritual christian, i was alienated and judged by church so i stepped away from it. (esp bc im queer so) but it was very interesting to dive into the shame that comes with growing up.

Friendships always seemed to sprout in strange places for Eddie Munson. He was a proud embracer of the obscure and strange, collecting a group of friends that stuck out amongst the town of Hawkins, Indiana. He loved his relationships with them, they were unabashedly themselves despite the judgment of fellow students or older people who didn’t understand. He shrugged it off, choosing to make his own little family inside the chaos.

Your family was known across the small town, your father had been the pastor at the central church since you were in diapers while your mom managed the place of worship. With a younger brother and sister, you assumed the role of the older sister/babysitter/mom figure. You were always involved in church, it was essentially your whole life besides school, and you had friends that were like family there.

You were in advanced classes in school, hanging out with church friends mostly, dodging a lot of the scandalous things of high school like sex and alcohol. While you loved your friends, you couldn’t help, but secretly long for the unknown.

You often caught yourself wondering if they ever considered taking a dip into the life of a regular 18 year old, branching outside the confines of your conditioning. While under the watchful gaze of not only your family, but the whole church, you found yourself crushing under pressure. College was on the horizon, life was speeding up, and yet, you didn’t know who you truly were outside of your relations.

When Mrs. Cain asked you to tutor Eddie, you agreed without asking your parents. You liked any opportunity to meet someone different from you, plowing through your shyness would be easier with an English book in hand.

You waited by the school's entrance after seventh period, filling out your monthly calendar with test dates and worship meetings, buying time before Eddie would arrive. You watched him exit, his boots scuffing across the concrete as he looked around. You gave a small wave when his eyes met your, putting your book in your bag and meeting him halfway. You introduced yourself briefly, sticking out a hand,

“I’m Eddie, I’ll be the biggest pain in your ass until the school year’s over.”

You shook your head, giggled, grabbing the straps of your bag. You knew he had heard of you, you had heard of him too, you wondered what he thought of you already. His eyes were boylike, kind, despite his grungy clothes that made the two of you standing side by side seem ironic. You both started walking as you suggested going to the local library, only a few blocks from school,

“Don’t mind if I smoke?” Raising a brow, holding it between his lips and hesitating lighting the stick until your okay, which you granted. You made a mental note to spray extra perfume before you walked inside your home tonight.

“I’m surprised the warden let you out of his sight, I thought he’d send a bodyguard with you when you said you’d help me.” He joked as you became flustered, you wished not everyone knew you and your family. But his words were true, your father was hesitant to let you help Eddie. You knew how to win him over though, “I fought him about it, said I would give you a Bible or something, if you wanted it.”

He chuckled as he blew out smoke, pink lips pouting out, continuing your walk in silence before reaching the destination. He grabbed the door, opening it up as the cool breeze reached your skin. You nodded, finding a quiet place to settle, finding a place in the very back. Eddie had to put out his cigarette, leaving him to trail in a few moments behind you. As he exhaled, he shook the unknowing nerves filling his chest.

He saw your pink dress swoosh in the back corner, sitting down and opening the textbook. He took his place beside you at the wooden table, looking over your shoulder, “So, the upcoming test is on Venus and Adonis by Shakespeare, it was his first published poem, that we know of, from 1593.”

Mumbling something about it being ancient under his breath, he watched as you described it passionately, “It’s about Venus, the goddess of love, and Adonis, a man who wants to hunt, but known for his beauty, and ignores her advances. She makes a whole journey to Earth to meet him, he’s uninterested, yet she remains adamant. I don’t want to spoil it all, so let's get started.” You chirped, placing the book between you two at the opening page, “Maybe we could read together, but I do the lines Venus says and you play Adonis? You’re into that roleplay stuff, right?”

The uncontained laugh rang through the library, an older woman shushing him from across the place, a hand covering your own mouth. He nodded, “Shit, I mean, something like that. I’m a dungeon master though, so I’m at a high level.” Puffing out his chest, brushing fake dust from his shoulder as you grinned,

“Sounds cool, I don’t think there's any dungeons in here though, so hunters will have to suffice.” You teased as you looked upon the creased pages, brushing hair from your face. He observed your features briefly, the first time he had been this close to you.

He watched your lips as you began reading the Modern English dialect, which always confused him to an extent, but your soft voice soothed him. He looked down at the page, realizing he needed to make a subtle attempt at grasping the content without his attraction to you derailing it.

“And yet not cloy thy lips with loathed satiety, But rather famish them amid their plenty, Making them red and pale with fresh variety— Ten kisses short as one, one long as twenty. A summer’s day will seem an hour but short, Being wasted in such time-beguiling sport.” Quoting the text, Venus’ words made you bashful, “Wow, he was one horny bastard.” You smacked his arm despite his chuckle, raising his hands in surrender.

You did most of the reading at first as Venus encountered a hesitant Adonis, begging for a kiss or any affection from the beautiful man. A monologue from Venus explained her frustrations, proclaiming love in spite of the lust dripping from her lips.

The multiple stanzas had Eddie in a trance as if you were the first one to write those words, calmly leaving your mouth as if you weren’t tangling him in intrigue. Your voice halted when an older woman said they had to close early today for cleaning.

“Sorry, I didn’t know that was happening, maybe we should continue next week-” Beginning with a hushed voice, but Eddie cut you off, “How about we go to my place? We can finish it there.” Your stomach flipped at the thought of having to tell your dad you had gone back to a boys home, but you agreed calmly. You recalled that you were home alone until tomorrow morning, a church retreat that you opted out of due to upcoming exams.

This paired with his gentle nature made you feel comfortable as you walked to his trailer, ignoring the curious stares of those who saw you. You hope none would bring it up to your father, not out of shame, but out of expectation of his ignorance. He wouldn’t give Eddie a fair chance.

“Ah, not much, but it’s home.” He sighed as you walked inside his abode, taking note of the varying mugs hanging from the wall. Guiding you to his room, he haphazardly threw some stuff around to make it appear more neat, cheekily smiling as he sat on his bed. You joined him, pulling the scripts again, handing him his as he fingers grazed against your skin. Chills etched across your arms, pulling away to flip to the correct page, hoping he wasn’t aware of the effect he had on you.

He whistled absentmindedly while finding where you had left off, “Adonis finally speaks in a few pages.” He smirked at your announcement, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.” He cleared his throat dramatically before you continue,

“Witness this primrose bank whereon I lie; These forceless flowers like sturdy trees support me; Two strengthless doves will draw me through the sky From morn till night, even where I list to sport me. Is love so light, sweet boy, and may it be That thou should think it heavy unto thee?”

Eddie couldn’t stop the blush that trailed on his cheeks at the pet name, placing a hand over his mouth in false concentration. He only realized it was his time when you looked at him expectantly, brows raised, as he stuttered out a few lines. He took a deep breath and said the words with more intensity as Adonis began his rant.

The rant was filled with rejection of Venus, striving for hunting and not to breed. He was glad the words hadn’t been so vulgar for him, knowing if they had been more lewd, he wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face.

“What am I that thou shouldst contemn me this? Or what great danger dwells upon my suit? What were thy lips the worse for one poor kiss? Speak, fair, but speak fair words, or else be mute. Give me one kiss, I’ll give it thee again, And one for interest if thou wilt have twain.”

The words of the hunter felt natural as he continued, your mind fixated on the way he presented himself. You thought of his Dungeons and Dragons group, how interactive and imaginative it was, having to act out different characters and concepts. If he was this intense during a reading assignment, his passion must be astonishing when he loves it.

As his rant concluded, you read the script descriptors of Venus’ cries, distraught over his negligence to her wants. While your innocence contradicted with the goddesses lust, you felt the ache to be touched as she did. Close to tears filled with need, one that wouldn’t be sedated until your wedding bed despite your body pleading for release.

The thoughts were pushed away as you sat up straighter, a nervous scratch covering your throat, “Within the circuit of this ivory pale, I’ll be a park, and thou shalt be my deer. Feed where thou wilt, on mountain or in dale”

The carnal text left you stuttering, continuing, “Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry, Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.” Venus proclaimed, yet your words fell short as you heard Eddie's failed attempt to remain collected.

He grinned, debating on whether his crass commentary would be appealing to you, “Shakespeare was writing about eating a girl out and I still didn’t pay attention!” The gasp did fall from your lips as expected, but giggling followed suit, “Believe it or not, a lot of his plays have allusions to, hm, stuff?” Trailing out the words as if he was the one with little knowledge of sex, your openess allowed his teasing, “So this is what the preachers daughter gets off to?”

You scrunched your nose, squirming in your place, “I don’t ‘get off’ to anything! Let’s just get back to the book.” Your squeak made him laugh, finding your embarrassment endearing, “Well wait a damn minute, you don’t use anything?” He questioned, eyes widening as you smoothed out your pink dress, shaking your head.

Looking at Eddie made you feel different; The way his lips and eyes looked soft this close, his voice wavering between deep and standard, but his small touches had been most enticing. You wondered what they would feel like to grasp you, plush skin under his control with no contraceptives of clothes.

The guilt of your desires sunk in, face dropping midthought, standing up to grab your bag. He looked panicked, “Hey, wait, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” His voice was affable, making you turn around from the door. You hadn’t meant for your own hesitations to make him guilty, he had done nothing wrong, so you swallowed your nerves.

“It’s not you, I swear, it’s me. I shouldn’t be thinking this way-” A faint warmth flushed beneath your skin as his breath hitched, there were only so many ways he could’ve interpreted those words.

The part of you that cleaned the pews every Sunday wished he’d drop it and let you walk out, but the part of you beneath the covers of disgrace screamed. His voice dropped an octave, “What were you thinking about? I definitely don’t think it was about some horny dude from the 1500’s.” You stifle a laugh as you stare at your shoes, focusing on your white socks, “Touch.”

The words were barely audible, but they rang in Eddie’s head like a holy hymn. He gazed at your demure demeanor, soft colored pastel against the blacks and reds across his walls.

The air was awkward, “It makes you feel guilty, doesn’t it?” He asked, you nodded and while he rarely found himself feeling sorry for someone who ‘fit in’, he felt bad. Everyone knew you as a preacher's daughter and it was ironic that the same community who looked upon her for perfection, complaining when it lacked, was the same group that wanted him out of Hawkins.

A community of people who were supposed to embrace differences met one of their own with the same judgment as an outcast, when there shouldn’t be anyone left out to begin with.

The people he surrounded himself with were experienced with vulgarity, leaving him at a loss for words at someone virtuous, “You don’t have to feel bad, ya know? It’s natural.” The words made you look up and sit on the edge of the bed, “You should do what you want to, especially if it doesn’t harm anyone else. You don’t have to please everyone all the time.”

“I want to please myself.” Blurting the words right in his face, it was too late to take them back in. While the pleasing was different in context, he immediately knew what you meant, still a bit astonished at your brassiness.

“And that’s fine! I started jerking it at 12.” Smiling as you sheepishly grinned, running a hand through your hair. You bit your lip in concentration, unsure of what conclusion you were attempting to reach as you slipped off your shoes, he looked cautiously. “I don’t know how to, really, how do you do it?”

All the air left his stomach as he attempted to calm his mind from the erection threatening to crest. He leaned against his bed frame with a pillow in his lap, just in case.

He looked down, softly chuckling, “Well, the way I do it is different from yours, if you didn’t go to sex ed.” You rolled your eyes, insisting you knew the difference between body autonomy, resting against the opposing side of his bed. “Alright, alright, I get it you passed biology. So you know what a clit is?”

He expected more apprehension at his forwardness, but you nodded, “Well that’s usually the best case scenario, there's a shitload of nerves there. Try rubbing it, keep a good pace, and, uh, reach down further to help make it, hm, more wet?” Questioning his own explanation, he tried to think of anything but you. He could see the interest in your features, like he was uncovering a mystery no one had heard of, which in your case was true, “Can I try?”

While you stuttered the words, he froze, making your heart race faster. He nodded, awaiting you to pull back and leave, pretending it never happened. But he watches your sparkling nails dip under your dress, feet planting to make your knees bent. He could see your white panties, a small wet patch in front of your cunt, forcing a groan down his throat. Your hand disappeared under the material, tentatively dipping into your neediness to drag it up to your clit. Your breath got caught as you applied subtle pressure.

As your eyes fluttered shut, a gentle moan left your glossed mouth, “That’s it. Try speeding up a bit, might help.” He was unsure if he was supposed to be coaching, but you obeyed instantly, watching your fingers trapped beneath material.

Playing with his lip, trying to dissociate the lust beneath him. He felt a bit perverted witnessing this moment, a woman discovering herself, despite it being your idea.

“Eddie.” The whimper fell naturally, but your eyes flew open and your hand pulled away. He saw your fingers glisten, “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“Do it again, please.” His gaze never left your slick hands as they trailed back to your underwear, working at a faster speed. He gripped the blue pillow upon his lap, knowing he was growing harder at your following whimper of his name.

Your breath matched the pattern of the circles on your nerves as you whined, avoiding his name in shame, followed by a shutter. You had been hit with your climax, continuing until it stung. He wished he could suck your hands clean, dying to know how you tasted like on both sets of lips.

Your eyes fluttered open, hazy as you smiled, “Oh, that’s much more fun than Shakespeare.”

—-------

Eddie wasn’t sure how the days following were supposed to happen, but it seems like nothing had even happened. You came over to his trailer, studied Venus and Adonis thoroughly and whatever classes he was struggling with, and you would leave. There was no mention of your discovery on his worn mattress, just the erotic words leaving your character. The only difference is you two became friends, finding time to talk and listen to music after finishing your work.

When you would leave, he would go back to that first night in his bed, imagining more of you exposed. His thoughts were consumed by you, causing a mild hindrance on his extracurriculars like Hellfire and Corroded Coffin. For the first time, his grades were doing well, he was even accused of cheating that was contradicted by taking the test in front of the teacher alone.

He was so enamored by you, that it made him strive to please you, to see that soft smile. He was like a puppy, running up to you after the halls were empty to cheer over a C. You were always supportive, hugging him tightly where he could smell your vanilla perfume.

As you sat across from him on his bed, opening the worn book as usual, reaching the point where Adonis’ horse had run away with a fellow horse. This leaves him stranded as Venus begs for his affection, an argument ensues, causing her to faint.

“They see sex differently,” You had started to explicitly say what the two characters were inferring, “While Venus interprets Adonis beauty as his peak for procreation, Adonis believes he needs more time to develop himself. It makes you question at what age is sex scandolous or normal.The only difference is that Adonis is being pressured by Venus, in some ways tricked by her, which based on other depictions of her is odd.”

He nodded as you explained, focusing on your furrowed brows, “But that is seemingly what Shakespeare wanted, to flip the typical ways of the Greek gods. Most stories of the gods are women being pestered. Venus would, typically, never beg for a man.”

Eddie nods, too focused on you to really give the dissection too much thought. He knew you would want an answer nonetheless, “So Venus is a weirdo and Adonis doesn’t want her, but gets worried when he thinks she died?”

“Exactly. She faints, he kisses her so she wakes up, she begs him to visit tomorrow. He doesn’t want to, though, he wants to hunt a wild boar. She gets a vision of him being murdered by the boar. That’s where we’re at.”

Nodding through your recap, he watches your neck that is exposed due to your ponytail. Your skin looks soft, veins slightly prodding when you turn your head, he wishes he could kiss you. He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

“Shit, so this boar is gonna kill him?” His eyes widened, looking down at the pages.

“Yup,” Popping the ‘P’ at the end, “But we have to listen to Venus first.” He groans, thumping his head against the wall. He played up the dramatics, despite being infatuated with your soothing voice.

Letting him begin the narrator's monologues, he watched through his peripherals as you laid on your back, placing your legs over his. He was glad you weren’t afraid to get comfortable anymore.

The scenes continued, becoming less suggestive and more dramatic. Your mind had focused on Eddie’s hands, resting on your calf, thumb stroking in slight circles. You remembered when you pleasured yourself, wishing he were the one to do it, just as he caressed you now. Biting your lip in concentration, you hadn’t realized it was your turn to read.

Curiosity did have a hold over him as he watched you, “What are you thinking about?”

Feeling a bit sheepish, you twisted to find comfort, “You’re thinking about it again.” He didn’t even need to question it after giving it a moment, knowing the same face you had those few days ago was here again.

Why was he so accustomed to your face of need, it was becoming sad that your lack of control was so apparent. You did agree to his statement silently, picking off your nail polish with nervous energy, but his warm hand covered yours. “It’s nothing to feel bad about, if it makes you feel better, I’m a horny deviant.”

Eddie was the only boy you felt comfortable around, you didn’t have to put on an act, which was ironic since a lot of your time together was spent reading a play. But you weren’t playing a perfect young woman with him.

“Can you teach me how to make a man feel happy?” Despite your timid question, it felt so eroitc as you sat up, face meere inches from his, legs still over his.

“I mean, a brand new guitar makes me horny.” Teasing as you groaned, shoving your face against his shoulder.

“Alright, alright, what do you want to know?” Damn, what didn’t you want to know.

“There’s a boy, I want to learn how to pleasure him.” His heart sank a bit, unsure who you were even speaking of, but he agreed. He may be a practice run, but it was better to experience you for a few moments, than not at all.

“Well, there’s a few ways. What do you want to do?” You looked at him, eyes wide and kind as you shifted to sit on him. Straddling his thighs, you placed your hands on his belt.

“Is this okay?” You questioned quietly, he nodded, breathing deep as you undid his pants. Rubbing his growing bulge over his black boxers, “Do you want to feel good too?” He asked, placing his hands tentatively on your hips.

Mouth hanging open slightly, you nodded, but he put a finger under your chin to close your lips. “You’ll catch flies.”

He pulled you in closer, shoving his jeans to his mid thighs to give you more comfort as he rocked you back and forth against him. Sighing in relief, you placed your hands on his shoulders, looking down at your lap where your dress blocked your vision. You felt him growing harder underneath you.

He could feel you becoming wet through your thin panties, he thought about how easy he could fuck you like this, make you feel like you were both falling apart. You let out soft whimpers against his throat, the feeling of pleasuring yourself was still foreign, but you liked when Eddie would groan under you.

“Am I doing it right?” You whimpered as he gulped, nodding and accidentally flicking his hips up, causing you to squeal. “Shit, sorry.” Laughing as he watched you regained your tempo, smiling against him.

“Tell me how you feel?” Eddie asked, helping you steady your hips with his hands as you began to shake. You cried out at the feeling between your legs, tingling and warm, and the feeling of his cock through his boxers. “C’mon, tell me.”

“It feels good, really good.” Was all you could muster, fingers pressing deeper against his skin as you tried to withhold the bubbling emotions. You were becoming desperate in his lap, throwing away any inhibitions as you leaned your hands against his thighs behind you.

Rolling your hips against his, he choked out a moan, “Oh fuck” He was losing his composure as you threw your head to the side, eyes shut in bliss, “You’re doing so good, gonna make me come.”

“Please” You weren’t sure why you wanted him to come so bad, but you made it your mission with the little information you did know. You noticed how his mouth fell open when you pressed harder, having to remind yourself this started because you wanted to pleasure a partner.

With a few more forceful thrusts, he was coming and gripping your hips harsher than before. He rubbed up against you, cursing out with a groan. Lying limp against the wall, you leaned close to him until he opened his eyes.

He hadn’t come in his pants since he was a young teen, but you had just done it to him. Even worse is he would do it a million times over with you. His eyes were glossy as you placed a finger beneath his chin, pushing it up to close his mouth.

“You’ll catch flies.”

—----

“So, who’s the guy?”

You choked on a breath as you read the script, nearing the end of Venus and Adonis, “It’s Adonis, it hasn’t changed-”

“No, I mean the guy you said you were interested in and went on a date with yesterday?” Eddie asked, looking at you in your usual spot at the tail end of his bed. You were wearing a white sundress, looking more angelic than normal.

He recalled two weeks ago when you had made him come in his pants, your motive being that you wanted to learn to please a man. You felt a tad guilty knowing the guy you wanted was Eddie.

He had become your closest friend in the weeks you spent at his trailer, finding honest feelings towards him. Whenever you made friends with boys, there was usually a hidden motive by the older people at church, especially as you got older. You were 18, a few months away from graduation, and while you were unsure of your path, there were people planning it. Your family had begun discussing the idea of pairing you with another church family, The Marsh’s.

Their 21 year old son, Gregory Marsh, was in insurance, a devout member of the church and community. He was tall, hair cut short, but not quite shaved. He always had a clean face, smelling of aftershave and cologne. He was handsome, always dressing in work pants and a button up, like a real adult.

You had known Gregory since you were babies, you didn’t think of him in any special way, nowhere near how you felt with Eddie. No one made you feel how he did. But as your adulthood outside high school pended, you were expected to go steady with someone, and either go to college or become a stay at home wife to get the babies made and tended to.

You went out for ice cream with him after work and it was nice. He was kind, handsome, and even a bit funny. But it didn’t feel the same as when you were with Eddie, where everything felt so natural. You hadn’t even kissed Gregory, opting for a side hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Wishing you could just tell Eddie that every thought that passed in your mind was of him, you swallowed your pride, “Uh, Gregory Marsh. My parents want to set me up with him.”

He gulped, he had grown accustomed to the you outside his trailer and the you within. He knew you probably didn’t feel that strongly about Gregory, based on your body language that slouched and the nervous tick of playing with your nails.

Despite this, he nodded understandingly, “Cool. Let’s get into it.” Picking up at Adonis' monologue in an attempt to leave Venus, Eddie stood up to stretch and remained planted as he began.

“You will fall again Into your idle over-handled theme. The kiss I gave you is bestowed in vain, And all in vain you strive against the stream, For, by this black-faced night, desire’s foul nurse, Your treatise makes me like you worse and worse.” Shakespeare wrote of Adonis, but the words from the man before you stung. You wondered if he regretted the moments you shared.

Venus spends the night weeping after Adonis flees, a sick feeling of abandonment taunting your stomach at the thought of this coming true for you. While you two hadn’t kissed, you had both seen each other orgasm inside clothes. When Venus sleeps, she wakes to beg for his safety so you stand to recite it in front of him.

“O thou clear god and patron of all light, From whom each lamp and shining star doth borrow The beauteous influence that makes him bright, There lives a son that sucked an earthly mother May lend thee light, as thou dost lend to other.” Eddie wanted to snicker at the line about breastfeeding, but looked to see you before him. He was still caught off guard by your gentle nature, like for moments he would forget.

As they read, wandering around the room, eyes glued to the pages as Venus runs to find Adonis. She approaches to find him dead, while you both had known it was coming, the words felt weighted in real time.

“Since thou art dead, lo, here I prophesy” The text began, “Sorrow on love hereafter shall attend; It shall be waited on with jealousy, Find sweet beginning but unsavory end, Ne’er settled equally, but high or low, That all love’s pleasure shall not match his woe.”

With the words of unwavering affection leaving your lips, Eddie’s eyes met just inches away. The words were honest, you weren’t sure there was any emotion close to this. He tried to snap out of his trance, but only found himself approaching.

He tucked hair behind your ear, “Can we talk about my favorite scene?” You agreed, breath subsiding as his fingers trailed against your neck. He was so close to you.

“Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry, Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.”

The way he quoted the centuries old text made you believe he lived and breathed it. He was rarely serious, but he was now. Your eyes fluttered shut as his lips brushed against yours to focus on the other side of your neck, wishing he would just kiss you.

“Stray lower.” He mumbled, hovering his hands over your hips while making an invisible path against your throat with his mouth. His lips didn’t pucker despite the want to.

“Stray lower.” You responded meekly, his hand going down to push the hem of your dress up. He walked you back to his bed, letting you fall against it as he knelt before you. You rested on your elbows, peering down at him as he kept eye contact and they only departed when he pulled your panties down.

“Fuck me.” He mumbled, swiping his thumb against your folds that were becoming slick. You shivered at the foreign feeling, trying to focus on anything, but the fact Eddie was on his knees for you.

You weren’t even entirely sure what he was going to do as he spread your legs further, groaning. He began rubbing your clit in small circles, testing the waters to hear you gasp. He watched as your pussy fluttered, becoming more soaked with every stroke.

“How does it feel?” Eddie asked, watching as you attempted to make eye contact only to look away with a pleasant sigh. “Good.” You stuttered as he slipped a finger inside you, clenching at the sudden intrusion.

“Did he touch you like this?” He questioned, skimming the sensitive area inside of you. You shook your head, whimpering as he placed another finger in. His thumb left your clit as his mouth immediately attached itself causing you to choke on your own breath.

“N-No ones touched me, I haven’t even kissed anyone.” He snickered against your clit, sending vibrations in your body while flushing with embarrassment. “You let me spread your legs before your first kiss? You’re gonna kill me.”

You whined as the feeling became more intense, a slight throb in your lower half as Eddie continued to please you. He felt you beginning to tense and sped his pace, glancing up to your blissed face.

He couldn’t stomach the thought of anyone seeing you like this. He had never had a real girlfriend, but he had never felt this urge to protect, even with one night stands. He wanted you all to himself.

“Shit.” Your voice cried quietly as you rode out your climax, trembling with sensitivity. Eddie’s face rose, a surprised, yet happy, expression as he straddled you on the bed. He made sure to hover over your hips, but looked down at you, out stretching his arms as far as they could go.

“You just cursed! I made you come and curse!” He laughed, tilting his head back, knowing he was making you even more flustered. “I, Eddie the Banished, made the holy one curse. That’s it! The skys gonna fall, the floods and the droughts are coming. Didn’t know the end of the world would feel this great.”

You giggled at his rambling, covering your face with your elbow as he finished his rant. He pulled it away, face close to yours as he grinned, expecting himself to tease you once more. But the grin slowly fell as you stared at each other.

He wanted to kiss you more than ever, looking fucked out and needy. He thought he was going to until nerves got the best of him, laying beside you on his bed. Your breathing was still deep as you shut your eyes, trying to regain composure.

“So…” He trailed off, leaning against his elbow to look at you open your eyes, “Did I corrupt your mind with the art of cunnilingus.”

“Is that the only big word you know?” You teased, his eyes rolling with a smirk, “I know more, but I like to space them out, wins over the ladies.”

You laid there, looking up at the ceiling as he rested, perched beside you. The free hand played with the ends of your hair sprawled on his pillow, you could barely feel it.

“Do you like George?” He questioned, his face hard to read as he focused on the strands between his fingers. You froze for a moment, “He’s nice, he’ll make my parents happy.”

“Okayyy, but do you like him?” He repeated, looking down at your face, but you looked the other way. You remained silent, you didn’t want to answer. For him it was a simple question, but for you? There was a calculation behind it, it didn’t just involve your personal feelings, but everyone else's.

“You know who I like? Adonis, let’s finish, we’re almost done.” You rose from the bed, crawling over Eddie’s legs to grab your book that had fallen on the bed. He huffed, “Let’s get this shit over with.”

As you attempted to stand, you felt like a baby deer, squeaking as your legs gave out. You were able to balance yourself before falling, flattening your dress while Eddie just sat with a satisfied smirk at your state.

—-

“In her light chariot quickly is conveyed, Holding their course to Paphos, where their queen Means to immure herself and not be seen.”

The final words of Shakespeare’s first work left your mouth, the silence hanging as Venus retreated in pain and Adonis laid dead. You shut the book, walking to your bag to shove it in as Eddie stood in the corner, one hand on his hip as he observed the final page.

“So that’s it.” He shut the book, tossing it on his bed. He knew he needed help with other classes, but he also knew he was doing significantly better after your help. He kind of wished he wasn’t so involved so that you could stay for more days.

“Yeah.” You announced, turning on your heels to face him, lips pursed to a straight line.

“It was good.” He stuttered, licking his lips nervously. He regretted that instantly as he still could faintly taste you from an hour before, sucking in a sharp breath.

“Yeah, it’s more fun to read with a friend. Maybe we could read the next play together?” You suggested, seeing his eyes light up as a grin snuck onto his face. Before you could even realize what was happening, his arms wrapped around your waist, lifting you into the air and spinning.

“I have a friend, I have a friend.” He sang as you laughed, folding over his shoulder, “And you’re about to not have one!” You yelped, using your spare hand to smack his lower back.

“Hey, hey! You can’t tell me shit, I won you over, admit it. Eddie the fuckin’ Banished conquered the holy daughter.” He gloated, voice deeper in false dramatics. You fake gasped as he set you down, radiating joy from his features.

“You didn’t conquer shit!” You smacked a hand over your own mouth, both sets of eyes going wide as Eddie jumped amused. He put a pointed finger in your face, “Yes, I did! You’re cursing like a sailor!”

“No! If anything, I conquered Eddie the Banished because he is now passing his classes.” You crossed your arms, puffing up your chest as you looked him up and down. He squeezed his lips together, looking up as if in thought before lunging, tickling your sides.

Squealing and attempting to push him away, he finally stopped and bolted for his living room. When you ran after him, he stood with both hands up in protection, as if he were in a karate stance. You held your fists up, jumping back and forth like in fighting movies.

“Not to brag, Eddie the Banished, but I was forced to see Rocky twice by my dad. I’m not afraid of a fight.” This was a lie as Eddie had once watched you cry when he accidentally stepped on a lizard on the way home from school.

You both walked around the small coffee table, eyes glued to each other with eyebrows raised until he ran back to his bedroom, slamming his door.

“Eddie!” Slamming fists against his door, his back pressed on the other side to keep it shut.

“La la, can’t hear you! Don’t want to get beat up by Miss Rocky out there.” He strained his voice loudly, covering his ears with his fingers. You pretended to walk away, marching in place and letting them fall quiet. He timidly opened the door to you pushing through, falling right into his chest, pushing past him to give you space.

A strand of hair stuck to your lip gloss as you cheered, pulling it away, “I did it, I did it!”

Eddie placed the back of his palm against his forehead, grabbing his chest with the other before falling in a melodramatic fashion. He moved both hands to fake a sword going into his abdomen, back arching before arms flailed to his side.

“She got me, it’s over, all that reading for nothing.” He breathlessly whispered, closing his eyes, sticking his tongue out to the side. You got a random drum stick from his dresser counter, poking his stomach as he howled, pulling it towards him to take you to the floor with him.

“Eddie the Banished has the last laugh,” You draped a hand over your forehead as he had, “Miss Rocky is dead by drumstick persuasion.” He clutched you to his chest and rolled over, going dead weight as you whined his name.

“Nope, you’re dead, sorry.” He muffled against his floor, head over your shoulder. You hated the fact that his stupidity was leaving you craving more, his hair right near your nose where you could smell his shampoo.

“Your hair smells like the beach.” You hummed, he popped up with a mix of bewilderment and delightment, sitting up next to you.

“You talk a lot for a dead person, ya know?” He quipped, trying to ignore your sweet comment in favor of your usual banter.

“I resurrected myself.” You shrugged, lifting your back from his stiff floor.

“Uh, no, can’t do that.”

“Well I just did, so.” You stated flatly, standing up and grabbing your bag that had fallen off during your brawl, only halting when you felt arms grabbing your leg.

“You wouldn’t leave me here to rot, would you?” He gave you his best puppy eyes, which wasn’t hard as they looked so soft normally. You found your favorite color within his iris’.

“You killed me!” You exclaimed, attempting to shake him off as he looked offended.

“It was pure self defense, sweetheart, can’t be running up on a dungeon master like that.” He explained, standing up to look at your astonished face.

“You’re not very good at being a dungeon master then…” You exaggerated, his face falling while his eyes squinted, shaking his head. Although it was all in good spirits, his glance made you want to squirm, he had such a hold of you.

“Oh you’ll regret that.” He taunted, raising his hands to sweep against your sides again, but only jolting towards you to see you run to his living room once more. He clapped, pumping his fists with victory as you meekly waved.

“Bye Eddie.” You beamed, turning to walk out his door as he said his goodbye, following your typical route.

His heart continued to race as he stood in silence, peaking out his window shades to see you walking. He teared himself away, walking back to his bed to flop on top of his covers, smiling at the thought of the next assignment.

------

hi! using my tag list from late bloomer, let me know if you would like to be removed or added! :) feedback is also always appreciated.

@masterofmunson @downbythebay4 @wicked-wordy-witchy-witch @femalefilmaker @wiltedwonderland @yourthebrokengirl @jessyballet @iheartyouyou @gloryekaterina @missscarlettangel @variety-fangirl @wigglywoos59 @imsuchafriggensimp @thegirlblogstuff @lovelyladymayyy

521 notes · View notes

wolfstarlibrarian · 3 years

Note

HELLO I was jw what were your favourite fics featuring POC Marauders without the shitty stereotyping 💜

Also thank you librarian for your content. Honestly this is the top tier rec blog in the fandom due to your amazing taste.

Well THIS is a great ask! It’s nice to see fans looking for authentic diversity in fics as opposed to tokenism. Just about all of these fics have been listed on various library lists, but hopefully people enjoying seeing them listed somewhere convenient. Also, this is just a VERY SMALL selection of fics featuring Remus or Sirius as POC, so if you’re looking for more of a certain representation, just send an ask!

Also, a note to authors looking to include representation (other than their own ethnicity) in their next fic: make sure that you read first hand experiences from multiple sources, research with advocacy groups, and THEN try reach out to a peer who can potentially beta/do a sensitivity read for you. It's important that we all try and learn as much as possible on our own before asking our peers to work as our educators. ❤️

POC Wolfstar

Black James & Cuban Sirius

Be My Baby by @remus-john-lupin It’s the summer of 1963, and 18 year old Remus Lupin discovers dance, love, and even himself. (A very romantic and very gay Dirty Dancing AU.)

Latino Remus

Forget-Me-Not by @halictus-writer

For someone who just woke up with amnesia and a bad concussion, Remus Lupin isn't too dispirited. He'll get through it with the help of his friends, taking it one day at a time, as Sirius says. The only (other) problem? There's something important that he's forgetting.

Retrial by phoenixgal

Remus Lupin, host of the popular podcast Retrial, decides to focus on the case of Sirius Black, a man convicted of murdering his high school best friend, for his upcoming season. Remus has gotten too close to his subjects in the past, so he promises himself that won't happen this time.

Desi Sirius

Young Hearts Intertwined by @goodboylupin

There’s a special kind of magic to a wartime wedding.

Latino Remus & Desi Sirius

A Lucky Mishap by softiejace Of course this would be just Remus’ luck - the library printer breaking when the deadline for his term paper is coming up. And to top it off, the pretty boy he’s been running into all week is there to witness his moment of misery… but maybe he can turn things around?

Sephardic Jewish Remus

Candles in the Darkness by @miraxb

In the winter of seventh year, James, Sirius, and Remus are all carrying their own burdens and fears for the growing darkness in their world. Together, they find comfort and light at the Hanukkah celebration in the Lupin household.

Half Syrian Remus

I Tried Writing Your Name In The Rain, But It Never Came, So I Used The Sun Instead by @prefectmoony

Don’t get Remus wrong. He loves his friends, he does! Loves them to the moon and back in fact. They’re his people, his favorite part of everyday, his found family. He’d do anything for them. But the thing is that doesn’t take away from the very simple fact that his friends are fucking ridiculous. Remus knows this, has known it for five years now. But it doesn’t stop him from startling awake on the morning of his sixteenth birthday surprised by the sound of fireworks exploding in their dormitory and a raucous chorus of “Happy birthday Moony!” being shouted into his ear with jaunty gusto.

Chinese Sirius

got a fascination (with your presentation) by @alifeincoffeespoons

When Remus thought of Oxford as a child, he envisioned turrets, laughter, and an unnameable, unforgettable magic. He did not envision vomiting his breakfast all over himself while standing in the halls of St. Catherine’s College.

Cut Your Bangs by @notmycatsname

"There’s something about him that catches Sirius’s eye. His voice is a little whiny, almost off-key. Sirius has heard it time and time again in the bands that Lily plays through their speakers at their apartment but it sounds more genuine, almost heart breaking, through his voice. Remus’s voice."

Black Remus, Desi Sirius & James

Palo Alto by NachoDiablo

Modern AU set in Silicon Valley. It's easy for Sirius to ignore his mixed-up feelings while he's got Remus all to himself, but when Remus starts dating again, Sirius is forced to figure things out before Remus moves on for good. Or before James and Peter strangle them both.

Japanese Remus and Taiwanese Sirius

kavaluan (means white lily here) by @claudiafekete 1926, Taiwan. Japanese empire's prized colony. Remus needed an interpreter. Sirius volunteered.

Philippino Sirius

Problems with Narrative Structure and the Rules of Manly Engagement [+Podfic] by @xinasvoice

"There were easily six hundred people living in the Paramount building in downtown San Francisco. That was a lot of neighbors to get to know, but it only took a single day of living there for Sirius to notice Remus."

Latino Remus & Japanese-American!Sirius

Discards by @picascribit When 21-year-old assistant librarian Sirius spots a cute hipster college student at the Seattle Public Library, he just needs to figure out a subtle way of determining whether he’s into guys. But Remus’s life is more complicated than Sirius knows.

Native American Sirius

Grimsfall by @remus-john-lupin

There is a legend in the old city of Grimsfall that a large, black creature used to emerge from the forest at night, and anyone who met its gaze would be driven to madness before the thing dragged them into the depths of hell.

Mexican Remus & Sirius

A Whole Queer County Fair by @bigblackdogfic Two queer Mexican kids talking, having sex, and feeling their feelings in Arizona.

Indigenous Australian Remus

Among The Gumtrees by WolfstarGarden Sirius inherits his uncle's farm, but finding the right farmhand isn't as simple as he'd hoped: Sirius just couldn’t help but wonder if fantasising about his straight farm assistant was maybe one boundary breach too far. On the other hand, perhaps Remus shouldn’t suck on the end of his pen while lost in thought.

South American Remus

The Delegate by @wanderingbandurria

It’s 1921, and Sirius Black is a sailor that wants to prove himself as a political agitator. He sets foot in a lost, forgotten port in South America, where he’s supposed to help with the local organization of syndicalists. He’s not expecting to meet a brown-eyed man who is there to help put his words into Spanish. A man that’s really not interested in anything but doing his job. Nothing more.

Thai Sirius

Whatever Words I Say -orphaned fic

When Remus Lupin is hired to control the antics of famous lead singer of the Marauders, Sirius Black, he knows he has his work cut out for him. Sirius is contrary and has absolutely no chill, and loves pissing off the press. Remus feels up to the challenge, but he certainly does not expect to fall head over heels in love from the moment he meets the charismatic singer.

Something Beautiful -orphaned fic When Remus Lupin’s ex talks him into a drunken tattoo mistake, he goes to his friend and co-worker Lily for help. Luckily her husand’s best mate is a tattoo artist who can help with the cover up. Unfortunately for Remus, the tattoo in in a rather compromising area, and he’ll have to get over his embarrassment. Luckily for him, Sirius Black is just the man for the job.

So many fics and yet so many more to go! As always, feel free to reblog with your own recs!

#poc #wolfstar #remus x sirius #remus lupin #sirius black #desi #asian #black #Latino #mexican #Japanese #chinese #native american #Philippino #Syrian #cuban #aaaaah sorry this list got so long!

603 notes · View notes

cosettefauchelevente · 3 years

Note

I hope this doesn't break your ask rules. I don't know where/who else to ask this. This sounds so stupid but I feel like I have no where to go. Radfems, conservatives and the left all have their own brand of lesbophobia. When it comes to dating I'm so scared I won't find a girl who is "normal" in that she isn't deep into any queer politics. I feel my dating pool is limited due to that and wanting to date another gs lesbian like myself. All of this has me pretty depressed. Any advice? Thank you.

if you're willing to swipe through a sea of crap, there are normal people on dating apps. one of my mutuals found someone on tinder last year who was not only normal, but her type, after days of talking about finding nothing but men listing themselves as women, straight couples looking for a lesbian to have a threesome with, and other weirdos (it didn't work out between them, but that's not the point). if you don't want to go down the route of swiping and swiping till you match with someone decent and have a bit of money to spare, you could buy a paid dating app. this will weed out the people who are just there to see how many likes they can get or who just want a hook-up, etc (apparently there's going to be a gc lesbian dating app called club monocle coming out soon. of course I've never used it, but from what I've read they verify that you're a real woman via video before you can make an account, which sounds promising. it's available right now, but it's currently only for friendships, I believe. there's also one called giggle that scans your face to make sure you're a woman first. again, never tried it).

if you don't want to try online dating, my advice would be to go outside and talk to people. i know that sounds obvious but it's the best advice. put yourself out there, take up a lot of different hobbies, join some a lot of clubs, say yes to every event you're invited to. that way, you'll meet a lot of different people, some of whom will be people you connect with. I met every girl I've been involved with organically without even thinking I would meet anyone i hit it off with, they just occasionally appear if you know a lot of people. even if you can't get a date, you'll still make some friends and have some stories to tell.

you could try downloading an app called meetup. it's not a dating app, but one for finding people in your area with similar hobbies and interests. I'm in a book club and a cinema club for my city on there, but they have all sorts of clubs for different activities on there, sewing circles, hiking clubs, cooking clubs, music clubs, etc, and lgbt societies as well. if you're looking for other lesbians than I'd suggest joining a meetup group for lgbt people. of course there might be weirdos in it, but it's an idea.

you actually could try instagram as well! i used to run a lesbian account a few years ago that had 15k followers, and occasionally i would make posts for people to meet each other. i would provide a format for people to fill out in the comments (first name, age and age range they were interested in dating, general area, hobbies and interests, and other info like that), and people who were interested in them would reply to them with an emoji and then they would have to talk to each other in dms. I used to get comments all the time of people saying they met their girlfriends on my posts, which was so cool 🥺. im not involved with the lesbian side of instagram at all these days, so idk if these speed dating posts are still a thing, but other accounts used to do them as well. if you follow a few lesbian pages on there you might run into one. or if you're brave you could just slide into someone's dms.

apparently gyms are a good place to meet lesbians? I haven't had much luck in my dudebro-packed local gym, but I feel like I read about gym lesbians all the time on the internet. or you could maybe try joining a sports team. if you meet a girl that pings you in the gym, you could try asking her to help you use the equipment to try and get to know her. join some outdoorsy clubs, go kayaking or fishing, find a diy club if there's one around (and bring man repellent).

if you have lesbian or bisexual friends, hang out in their circles sometimes. most of the time ssa people have a good chance of knowing other ssa people. I met my last ex through friends, and she was totally normal (until wattpad got to her rip).

that's my advice done. the last time I was actively dating was in 2019, so I asked some mutuals in case anyone had more up to date advice, and the responses were:

"My only advice is that the more requirements you have, the smaller your pool gets. But it's okay. I really only want masculine women, I have a STRONG preference for other lesbians, I don't wanna be annoyed constantly with any politics at all. And y'know, I find women who meet those standards. Maybe I'll run out of women, but I'd rather be single than have something I don't want. It's a bit depressing to think about, but y'know, we'll all probably find somebody."

"Oh boy this will be A Lot but this is basically everything I've either heard or learned:

Do things you enjoy, being normal and also open about your beliefs and eventually you will either gravitate towards the right woman or she will gravitate towards you. Be honest about what/who you are: you are a lesbian who does not believe a lesbian would ever have sex with men. Hang out with normal people and act not necessarily loud or outspoken but just honest if and when it comes up. But a big component is going to normal things. For example, since you don't like queerios, it's probably not a good idea to go to events where they congregate expecting to find that one other normal lesbian who's there hoping for the same thing. It's just not realistic because 9 times out of 10 people hang around people who are like them/share their beliefs. Especially in the current climate. Btw if youre into "not normal" things your search will be much harder tbh. Widen your chances of finding a normal woman by doing normal things as often as possible (ofc things you actually like/would like to try).

Also talk to anyone and everyone you can/want. This is the hardest if you are shy/introverted/anxious etc but it's the only way. Lesbians are ~1% of the population so you need to literally hunt for her. Your dating pool is limited but knowing what you like and not budging on your standards is admirable, not depressing. If you budge on your standards you'll find Something but it won't be what you like and you will have to accept that by either A) caving and compromising B) realizing this isnt for you and getting the fuck out lol."

"tell her to join a gym. normal lesbians love lifting."

"Being outspoken is essential. It's hard if you're shy or tend to be anxious around new people or when stating your opinions, but you won't find what you're looking for if you don't do it (or you might think you have, but as [name] said, two months in they introduce you to their TIM 'lesbian' bff).

It's not easy and not instantaneous, it is tedious and lonely most of the time, but you got to think that it's going to be worth it. Meanwhile, trying to at least befriend like-minded people (lesbians or not) is a nice thing to do, because it will allow you to expand your social circle in the right direction. Don't consider settling an option, and don't lower your standards, but be open-minded towards the type of woman you're looking for.

Try to find hobbies and join groups related to things you like doing that you'd like any future gf to share with you, and check out whether there's lesbian groups in your area involved in it (apparently that's easier if you lift laugh, but there's at least some lesbians with other hobbies) (ps, a ton of those lesbians will turn out to not be lesbians, but that doesn't mean it's applicable for 100% of them)

As for how depressing it is...yeah, we've all been there. It sucks, but unfortunately it's like that. We're too few and too spread out, but even then you're not alone in that loneliness."

"Piggybacking off what [name] said, let me emphasize that expanding your social circle is key ! It doesn't mean you have to become bffs with every single person you're ever within 2 feet of, it just means being friendly/polite/cordial/likeable enough to make connections with people which create options for more connections with more people and so on. Eventually you will ether meet a lesbian or meet someone who knows someone who knows someone who is a lesbian AND she will be perfect for you"

"My main advice is to for her to stay true to who she is and she will attract who fits and weed out who doesn’t. As long as she doesn’t pretend to believe in gender bullshit, her chances of having a gf that does is fairly low and it does increase her chances of finding one that agrees with her. It can be scary to think about, especially with how prevalent it is online and in some real world areas, but there will always be a woman that agrees with her. Getting out, having hobbies and connecting with people with similar interests also helps a lot."

hope this helps!

#ask #long post #anon

11 notes · View notes

benevolentbirdgal · 4 years

Text

“Thirteen” Tips on Writing Jewish Characters / Some Jewish Identity Stuff Explained

So you want to write a Jewish character, but don’t want to write a caricature? Or are worried they won’t register as Jewish to readers, or something will be off or wrong? Well I, friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional, am here to help!

Note: The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well.

Let’s start with the word “Jew.” It’s not inherently a slur, but can absolutely be used as one. I am a Jew. You can call me a Jew, just not a Jew. Like most minority groups, there are slurs against us, but Jew is the proper demonym. It can be used disrespectfully as a noun, but isn’t inherently disrespectful. Think “Chava is a Jew” versus “You’re being such a Jew.” 1a. Any use of Jew as a verb by gentiles (non-Jews) is not okay. Your Jewish characters should be horrified by someone telling them they “Jewed down the price.” 1b. Any use of Jewess by gentiles is not okay and your Jewish character should not be cool with it. 1c. Many Jews would actively prefer to be called such because that’s what we are and “Jewish person” is stepping away from our Jewishness. But I get that not everybody is going to be comfortable calling us Jews. That’s okay, and “Jewish person/people” or “X is Jewish” is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE. 1d. With that said, Jewish people refers to ourselves as Jews. If Sarah is Jewish but is squicked about referring to herself as a Jew, your Jewish readers will immediately know she’s written by a gentile. 1e. Actual slurs against Jews is a post for another time (did you know K*ke literally means circle?).

Your Jewish-American character likely does not speak Hebrew, Yiddish, Ladino, or any other Judeo-Language (languages that are a mix of Hebrew and at least one other language, typically written in the Hebrew abjad). Three notes on this, however: 2a. If your character is an immigrant or the child of an immigrant, they might speak the Judeo-language of the old country. The most common will be Israeli-Americans speaking Hebrew, but families still speaking Yiddish, Ladino, Judeo-Arabic, and other families do still exist. The children of Jewish immigrants might also speak another language that isn’t a Jewish one, like Russian or Spanish. 2b. If they are in a VERY religious Ashkenazi community, they might speak Yiddish at home and in the community. 2c. Odds are decent, however, that your American Jew can read but not understand Hebrew. If your character went to Jewish Day School or Yeshiva, they definitely read Hebrew, and will have some understanding of it (but likely not fluency).

Despite what I just said above, your Jewish-American character likely drops a lot of Yiddish words and phrases into their day-to-day speech. Which words/phrases in probably a list for another time, but the most common will be foods, family names (i.e. “Zayde” instead of Grandpa), and sassy expressions. They may incorporate some Hebrew to a lesser extent.

There’s not just one version of kosher. There’s kosher, kosher-style, Halav Yisrael, glatt kosher, etc. Depending on your character’s level of kosher, they’ve need a hecksher (kosher mark) on any given item or only eat at kosher restaurants, although not all Jews keep kosher and many keep “kosher-style” (i.e. only eat theoretically kosher things).

Your Jewish character should be a whole character, both in general and in relation to their Jewishness. This means, among other things, that they aren’t obsessed with Israel and I/P discourse one way or the other and that while writing you remember that not all Israelis are Jews and not all Jews are Israelis. Your Jewish character is not constantly agonizing over the I/P situation, has a life outside of their Jewishness, and shouldn’t be a cardboard stand-in for your desire to discuss the middle east.

The Jewish experience varies dramatically with geography. Jews living in Omaha, Richmond, Philly, Kansas City, Boca Raton, and New York City are all American Jews. They will have drastically different Jewish experiences. I strongly recommend doing research on the Jews in the specific place your story takes places, but generally: 6a. The closer you are to the northeast coast and NYC (except south Florida) the better and more varied your Jewish resources. 6b. NYC has the highest Jewish population of any city on the planet. Big cities like Boston, Chicago, and L.A., as well as just outside of NYC in NJ and NYS, and suburban/exburb south Florida will have lots of Jewish resources: day schools (Jewish + secular education mix), maybe Yeshivas (Jewish focus), multiple synagogues, a Jewish Community Center, Jewish dating services, social stuff, Jewish charities, and youth activities. Your character will have other Jewish friends and their gentile friends will likely know other Jews. Antisemitism is still a problem and usually takes the form of excluding Jews from activism, thinly-veiled stereotyping or excusing antisemitism from people from other oppressed groups, but it’s usually not as overt as elsewhere. Almost always safe to disclose Jewishness. 6c. Small and mid-size cities Denver, Virginia Beach, Charleston, and Harrisburg will have a JCC or Jewish federation, multiple synagogues, and maybe a Jewish day school. Your character is not the only Jew their gentile peers have met, but the bagels are meh. They will have other Jews to bond and commiserate with. Antisemitism here is mostly like that in big cities with occasional burst of overt incidents and attacks. It is generally physically safe for them to disclose Jewishness. 6d. Big towns and small cities in the south or mid-west will have maybe one synagogue - probably reform or Chabad. Your character will have to seek out Jewish spaces, but they will be easy to find. They will not be everybody’s First Jew, but it will be unusual. Antisemitism here is mostly overt - most of the antisemites your character deals with will be very obvious and many will be violent. Jews in such situations will not hide their Jewishness per se, but will be more selective in choosing to disclose it. 6e. Rural areas and small-small towns will not have a synagogue. Your character and their family may be the only Jews or there might be a small group that meets on occasion or carpools to the nearest synagogue. They will have to actively seek out the others Jews and they will be difficult to find. Disclosing their Jewishness is a serious consideration and not always safe. Odds are they are many people’s First Jew, which gets really weird real fast. Beyond the harmless ignorant-but-trying-to-learn-from-their-first-Jew types your character will interact with, there’s also violent and overt antisemitism here. 6f. If your character is in college, they will likely have a Chabad and/or a Hillel on campus if they are at a large school or a school with a significant Jewish population.

Related: when Jews meet each other for the first time, a game of “Jewish geography” ensues as they try and trace people they know in the other person’s state/city/community.

Jews come in all shapes, colors, sizes, genders, sexualities, politics, and religious beliefs. There are all sorts of Jewish people with tons of different intersecting identities. Don’t box yourself in to writing one kind of Jew. Just research a ton on the particular subsection of the Jewish community your character is a part of - a Mizrachi-Jewish Persian-American bisexual woman is going to have a different experience than a straight Ethiopian-American Jewish man who is going to have different experience from a queer Ashkenazi-Jewish-American girl with non-Jewish family. 8a. Jews with Ashkenazi (eastern/northern European) ancestry and customs are the biggest group in the U.S., but by no means the only group or representative of every Jew. Sephardi (Spanish/southern European/north Africa), and Mizrachi (north Africa and the middle east) are the next biggest groups. It would not be unusual for your character to have Polish-Jewish, Iraqi-Jewish, Moroccan-Jewish, or Russian Jewish ancestry or a mix. 8b. Each of these groups have their own customs, Judeo-languages, local holidays, and local historic tragedies. Generally, historic Sephardi communities were linked between themselves, historic Ashkenazi communities were linked between themselves, and historic Mizarchi communities were linked between themselves. The three had some, but limited contact. Additionally, all three major groups have subdivisions within them. 8c. There are also smaller groups that don’t fall within the three traditional categories, like the Ethiopian Jews, the Cochin Jews (India), Chinese Jews, Gruzim (Georgian), and more. Most of these smaller groups were not in contact with the wider Jewish world. 8d. All Jewish groups start from the same base texts (the written Torah), and the majority include the oral Torah as well. Local interpretations and traditions develop, these are referred to as minhag(im) (customs). For example, the biblical commandment is to not boil a baby goat in its mother’s milk. Some communities extend this to mean no chicken and milk, others reason that chickens don’t produce milk so the mixture is acceptable. Both are equally valid interpretations rooted in tradition, but they are different. 8e. Marrying between Jewish subgroups in the U.S. is super common and outside of extreme or really intense groups is not frowned upon. Traditionally, the father’s minhagim are followed, i.e. a Syrian-Jewish father and a Spanish-Jewish mother would follow the Syrian-Jewish minhagim with their children. Many modern couples choose the mother’s traditions or mix them up, but that’s the traditional route.

Unless they are VERY religious, your character’s family is unlikely to be particularly wound up about them being LGBTQ the way a comparably Christian family might, at least not because they’re Jewish. Samuel’s Jewish mother is likely unconcerned he likes boys and is much more empathetic than he must marry a Jewish boy and raise any kids Jewish.

There are so many Jewish holidays, and they are not all celebrated the same or with the same intensity. Probably enough material for its own post, but the ones most likely celebrated by your character: 10a. Shabbat and/or Havdalah. Shabbat starts Friday nights with candles, wine/grape juice and challah bread, Havdalah ends Shabbat with a braided candle, wine, and aromatic spices. Shabbat dinner is usually a meat meal and it is common to invite guests or eat with friends and family (in normal times). 10b. The “High Holidays” - Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. Jewish students often skip school for these. Yom Kippur is a 25 hour fast with services all day, Rosh HaShanah has services in the evening and morning. 10c. Passover - arguably the most important holiday. Celebrated with two sometimes agonizingly long Seders (ritual meals), family gatherings, and abstaining from leavened bread for 7/8 days. 10d. Hanukkah - Not actually that spiritually important, but culturally important for American Jews. Typically celebrated with candle lighting, presents, visits to family members, and greasy food.

There’s a lot of wine involved in Jewish ritual, so it’s unlikely your character’s Jewish family are teetotalers.

Jewish families tend to be very intense, loud, opinioned, caring, and involved, compared to many other assimilated American families. Shabbat dinner is not quiet. Dissent is a Jewish value - differing opinions are allowed (and expected in many circles), as is the ability to argue/defend competently.

Jewishness can mean ethnic identity, cultural identity, and/or religion. There are several major denominations religiously, although that needs to be its own post in detail. The noteworthy movements at this point are Orthodox (further subdivided into Ultraorthodox and Modern Orthodox), Conservative (middle of the road, no relation to conservative politics), Reform, and Reconstructionist (both very “choose your own/your community’s adventure).

Probably will write more parts in the future, but this is heinously long already! Hope this is helpful!

#jewish #jewish writing #jewishwriting #jewblr #writeblr #writing advice #jewish identity #jews #jewishidentity #super long post sorry not sorry #writing jewish characters #writing jews #jewish writing help #jumblr

264 notes · View notes

nerdygaymormon · 4 years

Note

hi! i was wondering what you thought about going to pride (parties/parades/events). i've been told that celebrating queerness or acknowledging that I am gay in anyway other than as an admission of sin or 'i am gay but you know what jesus helped me rise above it so im basically not even gay anymore and i never talk about it'. but i really want to go to pride, but is that bad? like, "celebrating the homosexual lifestyle" is wrong, but is there even a "homosexual" lifestyle? anyway, any thoughts?

I know many gay church members who hold callings and are “out” and known in their congregation and community who go to Pride. Every June my social media is flooded with pictures of them at Salt Lake Pride.

The Church doesn’t discourage people from going to Pride, or to not acknowledge they are gay or any other similar restrictions (although the Church used to discourage all these things, even counseled against using the word “gay,” but no longer).

There may be a local leader who imposes his own tougher standard, but he would be out of line. To say you are sinning by declaring you’re gay is contrary to the Church’s position. The Church say it is not sinful to be gay, it’s actions that are sinful. The Church also does not expect Jesus and His atonement to change anyone to not be gay.

The Church’s requirement is for a gay member to remain chaste (to not engage in sexual activity). You can read more at the Church’s website. Basically, any activity which is permitted for straight single people is also permitted for gay single people.

Can a person go to support groups for queer people (like GSA or PFLAG or an LGBTQ community center) and be a good member of the church? Yes

Can a member be in good standing and attend a gathering of queer people who are playing games or going to the movies, or to an art exhibit together? Yes

Can a person go to a celebration like Pride and be a good member? Yes.

Can a person be “out” as gay and serve as a missionary? Yes

Can a person attend a conference for LGBTQIA members? Yes. In fact, Affirmation and North Star both hold conferences in Utah that are well attended. Affirmation’s conference even does a session for LDS Church leaders like bishops and stake presidents

Can someone who is gay hold hands, hug, snuggle with, dance with, date and kiss with someone else who is gay? Yes...unless you’re attending one of the church schools because it’s against the Honor Code. However, while allowed, these things make leaders very nervous because they’re steps along the way to becoming a couple, having a relationship, and so on, but these are not unchaste activities.

Can someone go to a gay bar and remain in good standing with the church? Yes, but this is getting into an area where leaders would also be concerned about straight members going to a bar. However, in many places a gay bar is the only queer-specific space and you could be going there to see a performance or something along that line.

Can someone vote in support of gay marriage and show that support on social media and remain a member in good standing? Yes. Elder Christofferson clarified this back in 2015.

Can a church member attend a gay wedding and still have a temple recommend? Of course. We can celebrate the milestones of the lives of our friends and family. This is like asking can a member attend an infant’s christening and remain a good member.

Essentially it comes down to this, as long as you aren’t having sex and you aren’t advocating for the church to be forced to perform gay marriage, or in some other way to use the government to force the church to change its teachings and doctrine, you’re welcome to follow your conscience and still be a member in good standing.

As for “celebrating the homosexual lifestyle,” what even does that mean? A homosexual lifestyle is however a gay person lives, and there’s many ways to live as a gay person. That’s like talking about a “heterosexual lifestyle,” it’s basically meaningless because however a straight person lives is their “lifestyle.”

83 notes · View notes

arcticdementor · 3 years

Link

I was talking to Sarah yesterday and I had a revelation I think is worth sharing.

Let’s begin at the beginning. About a month ago, Instapundit posted this.

Now, I’ve been thinking of the rise and fall of civilizations lately. I can’t think why it’s been on my mind. It’s a tale as old as time—a civilization emerges, establishes a new worthwhile order, the good things brought forth by said order soften up the people maintaining it, the softening turns to decadence, and the decadence gives way to the barbarians, who clean the slate. Where would you say things are lately?

…

In short—the federal government of the United States of America has become impotent at almost all good things.

Expanded out—There is no start to its talents. It cannot maintain its borders. Since the “election” it doesn’t even try. No surprise there. It cannot maintain friendly relationships with allies—as our recent screwing of Britain on our way out of Afghanistan shows. The “leader” of the “free world” could not be bothered to pick up the phone for our closest ally. Speaking of Afghanistan, it can’t win a war. It can’t even lose gracefully. In fact it fucked up leaving so badly some people are entertaining that it intended to fuck it up, because how the fuck does somebody above the age of six not notice that pulling the military out first and the civilians out second is not even a remotely workable strategy? Resulting in leaving millions of dollars of equipment—and—excuse me, what? Millions of dollars of dollars in the desert? Fantastic.

It makes self sabotaging and idiotic choices to stymie its own domestic oil industry, while accepting a pipeline not from Canada, but one that’s a joint Russian-German venture instead. Which means the problem, contrary to any environmentalist whining, isn’t the pipeline—it’s the pipeline with a friendly country. Big surprise— its only true interest in the environment lies in international agreements that hamstring us while doing nothing to China, the world’s largest polluter. It either can’t be trusted on energy production and the environment, or is trying to get it wrong.

It can’t manage its economy. What could have been a “V” shaped recovery has been turned into an “L” shaped one. What could be contributing? Paying people to do nothing? Rampant inflation? Meanwhile all the dumbasses running the country can think of is spending several billion more dollars that don’t exist. The country has infrastructure problems for a fact, but they’ll only acknowledge that to the extent of cynically plastering the word on an “infrastructure” bill which is in fact just a far Left wishlist that largely ignores actual infrastructure, in the hopes people will be dumb enough to support it because it has the right label.

And on.

What aptitudes does it have besides taking money, trampling civil liberties, and ignoring constitutional laws at gunpoint? News flash, dummies: We don’t need peaceful protestors incarcerated without a trial. We don’t need the weight of the federal government turned to the problem of violating states rights because Texas passed a law Biden doesn’t like. We need military egresses that look like they weren’t planned by Bozo the clown and an economic plan better than something China would design for us as an attempt to permanently sink the country. Is there anyone at all in DC who can provide that? If not, is there anything useful they can do? I’ll wait.

…

This is what decadence looks like. When the government stops even attempting competence because nothing and nobody that currently exists can replace or displace them so who cares about results? When comfort and plenty have become so common, been taken for granted for so long, that the question of utility or even basic sanity isn’t even distantly considered. When it’s assumed that self-harming policies that will obviously damage the country won’t really matter because nobody has ever known a world without America and fundamentally has no idea how the present day came to be. When the country’s most educated start chasing bizarre and unimaginably stupid ideas on economics that boil down to “inflation won’t happen if you double the monetary supply by printing money, if only you just believe hard enough”. In fact, when education stops being a means to greater insight, more useful abilities, and a better life, and becomes a cult devoted to the kind of idiocy that can survive only with strenuous censorship, the tenets of the cult being treated by the indoctrinated as a collection of sacred mysteries and deeply-thought paradoxes— while to those not similarly trained it is self-obviously a collection of contradictory and self-serving lies.

Verily, decadence is here. We can infer that what comes next is the barbarians. And we have options. Mexican illegals? A heady mixture of poverty-stricken Marxists who have never known a system that wasn’t corrupt, functionally lawless, and devoted to the tenets of voting oneself rich; and outright criminals with lives like “a demon’s resumé”? Perhaps radical Muslims? By sheer numbers worldwide they’re the most likely option. The Taliban just got a huge infusion of cash and a big boost in morale. In a few short days we’ll know whether they’ve arranged a thank you gift for Zho Bi-Xen and his kleptocrat marching band to commemorate his intended pull-out date. But even if, and God I hope, they have not, we can expect an uptick in terrorism and quite shortly. Or perhaps China? The Middle Kingdom would laugh at being called barbarians, but I call genocidal communists like I see them. Mao was morally three steps below a pig and Xi has enough power to aspire to greater depths. As is I wouldn’t dream of feeding a pig Mu Shu Xi due to the great risk of poisoning the pig.

But there is a barbarian group not considered. Us.

Hang on. Before you balk, listen. Look again at what these idiots are selling as the fruits of civilization. Defenses of pedophilia and urinals as art. And more, too—sterilization and disfigurement of teenagers in the form of sex changes. Black supremacy as a panacea to made up threats of white supremacy. Books nobody reads, movies nobody watches, paintings that exist only to launder money—even the ones not made by Hunter Biden.

What good person would not be proud to be considered a barbarian by these miserable, over-decorated Faberge people? I’d be mortified if they agreed with me! So they think I’m a sexist or a racist or whatever. Fine. They do not use these words to mean the same things I mean, so it’s a pointless argument, and they are now officially beneath my explaining myself to them. When the people who are calling me names are so morally opaque that the Taliban can make devastating critiques of them just by referencing the foundational works of their own gender studies programs, I’m done caring about the names. Fine. I’m what you think is a racist. I’m what you think is a sexist. But you think a lot of very stupid things, and as the curtain continues to draw back on the carnival of madness that’s been behind the scenes the entire time it’s occurring to me that what you think and reality overlap so seldom that the only time not to ignore you is when I can ridicule you. If that is your civilization, someone hand me a pointy horned helmet.

…

Yes, this is a moment of peril, but also opportunity. See in your country what every hostile group listed above sees in it—the makings of great civilization, along other, less stupid lines. All of it guarded by weak, fat, stupid people with no will and no self-belief. Take that mindset and go forth.

Get involved in your local systems. There is an old prayer for God to make ones enemies ridiculous. Congratulations to whomever was still praying it. Your prayers have been answered. Will you tell me that you cannot defeat these people? People who lose casual debates to terrorists not on principle but on basic facts?

…

You can’t reason with them so don’t bother. Recent events have made it clear you may as well try to talk sense into a three-day-old mackerel. Just confront them with their own stupidity so that people who see the inevitable video understand what this is about, and don’t feel that you are too good to shout them out of the room. You’re the barbarian, remember? Not like the nice civilized people with their gender-queer Tik-Tokers pushing vaccine propaganda. That means you’re excused from conversations with morons. Don’t bother trying to find common ground. Look at where they’re standing! Do you want to try to find the midpoint between that and reality? Silly. Pointless. Send them back to their walled online gardens to whine to their equally stupid friends about the barbarians.

Can we take it back from the ground up? I don’t know. But hey, it’s got to be worth a shot. Join the fun! Find some friends and locate a low-hanging political event to raid. When was the last time you went to a town hall for your town? Isn’t just a part of you curious to know whether your local county commissioner starts by declaring her pronouns? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see someone like that made very uncomfortable? You can make that happen. You can probably do it within the next month. Bring a few friends! Or a few dozen. Some of the people reading this probably were afraid to do that kind of thing for fear of losing their job. The Biden economy might have freed up some of your time. What have you got to lose now? More importantly, the way things are going, are you going to lose it anyway if things continue as they are? Think on it.

#thomas kendall #sarah a hoyt

2 notes · View notes

lightinalexandria · 3 years

Text

Love, Men, Women, and LGBTQ+ Life in Egypt

August 13, 2021 اغسطس ١٣

A good friend posed the question to me this week of asking “Where are you local?” Instead of “Where are you from?” I might even tweak that slightly to “Where do you feel at home?” For most of us, and in fact for most other places I’ve lived, the equation is a simple line graph. More time, more familiarity, more comfort, more feeling like home. I’m challenged here, at the end of my second summer in Egypt, with a different calculus.

The more I speak with my friends and teachers in their “heart language” of Arabic, the more I see how deep the generosity, sociability, and collective spirit run. Not all my friends are Muslim, but I see these traits represented in the 5 Pillars of Islam beautifully, and I’ve been told so in many different ways.

That’s the part that feels more like home. But of course, if it was all sunshine this would be a different story. This is not a happy post. I don’t have any female friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy. I don’t have any queer friends here who are truly, uncomplicatedly happy.

Of course that doesn’t mean there are no happy females in Egypt; my internationally minded, English speaking group isn’t representative, I know, and I’ve had many conversations with more conservative teachers and friends about the contentment that can come from living inside a more rigid structure.

But…I don’t know everyone in Egypt. I just know my friends. And many of them are desperately, painfully unhappy, stressed, in ways that I understand more fully the longer I’m here. I think “right and wrong” or “good and bad” are wildly unhelpful terms, so when I’m trying to understand how I feel about these societal norms and systems, the right to happiness of my friends is my bellwether. Systems that make more people happier without hurting others are ones I want to support, period, which also means my anecdotal circle can’t be my only data points. I’m a little nervous where those conclusions might lead me, dancing around big questions of class and culture and religion, but more nervous not to draw a line in the sand with the best metric I know and explore from there.

Apparently sexual harassment has decreased a bit since the government put some teeth into a new anti-harassment law a couple years ago and they made an example of a few offenders. That’s nice. The street -especially at night- still does NOT feel like a safe or friendly place, and I just get tiny glimpses of that walking near female friends. Life is lived in the streets here, the pedestrian density like Times Square, always, so the sheer volume of people quickly makes crowd thoughts and judgement evident. Sitting with a female friend at anything but a super upscale cafe, I see the glances and catch bits of the conversation as they pass judgement on her for hanging out with me. What a wild thought, that any conversation I have with an Egyptian women starts with the brave act of her choosing to engage at all, know the subtle pressures that will start in from all sides. One of my friends who wears a hijab told me that when she went to Cairo, she brought extra wide clothes to walk the streets with, and it didn’t matter. She got just as many comments as when she was back in tights clothes.

Who gets the blame? Young men have so few opportunities to interact with young women outside immediate circles, period, but are still somehow supposed to meet a potential bride and move her into the new house that he’ll buy with cash savings from the extended family? Old black and white Egyptian movies show women in skirts and t-shirts, and Egyptian music videos show Western dressed Egyptian women gyrating, but aside from a few pockets of wealth and international society in Alexandria, those images of women don’t exist in the real world here. Men are allowed and encouraged to date casually, but women are called sluts for kissing someone who may not be an eventual husband. Women are supposed to protect their virginity, while men want to fool around with lots of women but settle down with a virgin bride. The math doesn’t work. My heart goes out to the working class men in an impossible, frustrating position, society and politics conspiring against biology, but while they have to worry about their reputation, women here worry about reputation AND safety, always.

And LGBTQ+? First of all, it’s just so difficult to have intimate relations here -every lives with family, you can’t be intimate until you’re married, you can’t be married until you own a house, you can be arrested in public spaces for PDA, and no one will rent rooms to an unmarried couple-. That means there is a SIGNIFICANT percentage of the men here who sleep with other men, feel shame, would never consider themselves gay, and would only consent to being a “top.” Honestly, it reminds me of what I know of the sexual politics in prison culture, except no one’s in a physical prison here.

Sexual health is also a huge challenge; access to STI testing apart from HIV is impossible for unmarried women and hugely expensive for men. Someone in my circle here had complications from a “Plan B” pill and wasn’t able to go to a gynecologist as an unmarried woman. Someone else was hospitalized for an unrelated illness, and jubilant that as part of the hospital stay, insurance would cover the full battery of STI screening before surgery, the first time in a very active sexual life they’d ever had that. Someone else just lost a friend to HIV; they told the family it was cancer, but were too ashamed to seek the HIV treatment pills, and died in a few months.

Mental health has its own obstacles. Someone I know was told by a licensed therapist they were going to hell if they kept sleeping with men, unmarried. I heard that from women and queer friends as well. How do you establish a relationship of trust in the first place if licensed practitioners in the country are able to say things like that in the privacy of their sessions without consequences?

So, full circle to the beginning of the post. “Where do you feel local?” or “Where do you feel at home?”

I feel infinitely more familiar and comfortable here than my first few weeks, no denying that. 95% of the time I can make myself understood in daily life (very different than understanding 95% of what’s being said to ME in daily life, but progress). I can call businesses here to ask questions. I can tell meandering stories. I can cross the comically busy and chaotic streets without an adrenaline spike. I run into friends on the street most days, and my last 100 meters from my neighborhood entrance to apartment involves a dozen different greetings and little conversations. I have my favorite….everything; food carts, Syrian sweets, juice shops, rotisseries, beaches, bars, cafes, and a good rapport with the folks working there. I have a lot of lovely but more surface level relationships, and a few real and intimate friendships. All that DOES feel local, does feel like home.

If feeling local or at home here means giving any kind of tacit acceptance to the norms that make my friends so unhappy, though, I don’t want to claim the label. I also don’t feel like I have any right or power as an outsider to do much more than listen, affirm, connect to resources when I can. I left China after staying in Xinjiang province and seeing the government’s cultural genocide of Uighur society, and I haven’t been back since. (You can read my writings at the time with the link here) What’s my path here in Egypt? Love the player, hate the game? Can I come back next summer and complete my 6 months of study plan, knowing I float through a golden bubble of American male protection I can’t extend to my friends here? I really don’t know yet. No wise or pithy ending sentence here. Just a lot of hurt, a mixed bag of emotions, and a whole lot of people who deserve uncomplicated love and happiness.

#womens rights #intersectionality #human rights

3 notes · View notes

gaylotusthatexists · 4 years

Text

hidden

pairing: moxiety

summary: Virgil has been in a relationship with Patton for a month now, but isn’t sure how much longer he can keep it up whilst closeted.

trigger warnings: implied homophobia, talks of breaking up, please let me know if i need to add anything

word count: 1489

a/n: it’s day fourteen of pride month!!! today’s prompt was ‘boundaries’. i had a lot of fun with this one tbh, and i’m just a little bit sorry but i hope y’all enjoy!!!

ao3

Virgil had been with Patton for a month now, and things were... okay. He was still trying to settle into it. This was his first boyfriend, and, whilst Patton was certainly more experienced, having been in a few relationships himself, they were still trying to figure things out between them. Virgil loved Patton, he really did - he'd known that way before they were even dating, back when he could only ever see them as friends, even Patton knew that Virgil loved him back then. But dating was different than just being friends, and Virgil wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to keep this up.

Patton was very physical, he always had been, and he was loud and wanted everyone to know just how much Virgil meant to him. And that was fine, it wasn't much different to when they were just friends, but... Virgil was still scared, sort of. He didn't know how any of this worked, didn't know how to give back to Patton, didn't like the way that people were always staring at him. He knew they probably weren't, knew that he was just paranoid, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that every time Patton brushed against him, every time they held hand, every time they embraced, they were being watched.

It didn't help that Virgil was still very much closeted. Of course, Patton knew, and so did a few of Patton's friends, but Virgil's (all straight, as far as he was aware) friend group had no idea, and neither did his family. Coming out to any of them seemed like a daunting task - he imagined his friends wouldn't care that much, although they did occasionally make 'jokes' that were, well, jokes that didn't exactly give Virgil much faith. And then his family... He couldn't come out to them, not yet, he was terrified that it would go terribly wrong, and he knew his parents feelings about the queer community, and...

He breathed in and out as he walked down the hall, hand in hand with Patton, on their way out the building. A Friday afternoon, the end of the week. The two would usually hang out in the local park on a Friday, as both of Virgil's parents worked late and Patton's younger sister’s friends always went round to his house. What Virgil hadn't been expecting that day was for his other friends to be waiting outside the building for him.

"Virgil!" one said, hopping down from the steps and walking besides him. "You coming to the party tonight?"

Virgil let go of Patton's hand, wiping it against his jeans. "Not tonight, sorry," he mumbled.

His friend seemed disappointed. "Why not?"

"I, um, kinda already have plans?" he said, motioning his head towards Patton, who awkwardly waved at his friend.

"Who's this?"

"This is Patton," Virgil introduced. "We're, uh, we have a science project together." They weren't even in the same science class, but his friend didn't know that. Virgil had to think of some excuse.

"Oh." His friend hummed. "Well, I'll text you tomorrow, yeah? Think we're heading down into town, you should come with."

"Y-Yeah, definitely." Virgil nodded. "Just let me know what's happening."

"Yup." His friend smiled. "See ya!" He walked off, joining Virgil's other friends again. Once Patton and Virgil had left the school gate and turned the corner, he let out a breath.

"Sorry," he said, talking Patton's hand again. "I, um..."

"Why did you tell him we're working on a science project together?" Patton asked, innocently.

"I, uh..." Virgil tapped his fingers on his leg. "He doesn't know."

"You could just tell him we're dating," Patton said.

"No, I- He doesn't know that I'm..." He trailed off.

After a few moments of silence, Patton let out, "Oh."

"Yeah." They turned into a park, going to sit on their usual bench.

"Are you planning on telling them?" Patton asked, after a while.

"Not really."

"Oh."

Silence again. Virgil breathed in. Patton seemed to get the idea that Virgil wasn't going to speak anymore. He nuzzled into Virgil's side, as he usually did, and for a moment Virgil relaxed. He felt, for a moment, like the world wasn't watching him, like he could just be himself and nobody would care.

But then he remembered his friend staring at Patton, confused, concerned. He must have seen them holding hands when they walked out the school. What if he'd followed them? What if he was that desperate to know what was going on that he was spying on them now? What if he knew that they were a thing, what would happen to Virgil? Would he be kicked out the friend group? Would he tell his parents? Would he tell the whole school?

Patton kissed Virgil's cheek, and Virgil scooted away, trying not to look at the confused, slightly hurt look on Patton's face.

"I can't do this," Virgil whispered, trying to get his heart rate under control. He knew he probably wasn't being watched, but didn't even want to risk it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep this up, how much longer he could stay hidden when all he wanted to do was hold Patton, allow Patton to show his affection, but he couldn't let go of the anxiety surrounding everything, the fear pulling him down deeper and deeper.

"Can't do what?" Patton asked, moving closer again.

Virgil turned away. He didn't want to look at Patton, couldn't look at Patton when he said this. "This. I... I can't do us. I'm scared, every second of my existence, that one day the wrong person will find out and everything will turn to shit. And I... You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who isn't afraid of the world knowing what goes on between you and them."

Silence, lasting much longer than Virgil was comfortable with. He felt like he could cry. He didn't want to, didn't want Patton to think he was upset, didn't want to hurt Patton. But maybe there was no other way out of this.

"You're not... You're not breaking up with me, are you?"

Virgil could feel himself shaking, and maybe he was going to cry. Brilliant. "I... I don't want to," he admitted, "but... we might have to. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

He felt a hand land on his shoulder, and part of him wanted to swipe it away but the other part was just happy for human contact, for warmth, and for a moment his shaking calmed down.

"Is this because you aren't out?" Patton asked. "Because, really, there's no pressure for you to come out, if you aren't ready or if it isn't safe, or..."

Virgil breathed in and out. "I do want to stay with you," he promised. "I just... I just think that it's better for both of us if we..."

"Virgil," Patton said, moving closer again and trying to twist his body around to look Virgil in the eyes. "If... If there's anything I can do at all to help you feel safe in this relationship, you can tell me, y'know?" He smiled, softly, and Virgil melted. He loved Patton's smile. "I know I can be a little much sometimes, so... just tell me, okay? We can work out some boundaries if it makes you feel more comfortable. I don't mind staying hidden, I just... I want to be with you."

Virgil stared at Patton for a while longer, unsure what to do. He didn't want to have to leave Patton, but he also didn't want to be hard work, didn't want to have to force Patton to stop doing everything that he wanted to. Patton deserved so much better than Virgil. But...

"Please, Virgil," Patton said, quietly. "Just tell me, whatever I have to do. I'll do it. I want you to feel safe."

Virgil breathed in. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Virgil." Patton took his hands, squeezing them tight. "Whatever will make you feel comfortable, just tell me."

Virgil's eyes drifted to the ground. "Public affection is a little much, sometimes," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't mind in private, do whatever you want in private, but... when there are people around, especially in school, I'd rather you not touch me constantly. Short hugs are fine, and hand holding is okay sometimes, but... kisses and cuddles are..."

Patton nodded. "I get it, Virgil. I understand."

The tips of Virgil's lips tilted up. "Are you sure this is...?"

"It's okay, Virgil," Patton said, smiling. "We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, yeah?"

Virgil smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, thanks."

They stared at each other a moment longer, before Patton hummed. "How about we go back to my house? No one will see us there."

Virgil nodded, a little too quickly. "Yes. Yes, yeah that'd be good."

"I love you, y'know?"

"Yeah. I love you too, Pat."

#prideprompts2020 #thomas sanders #sanders sides #moxiety #virgil sanders #patton sanders #my writing #my fanfic

39 notes · View notes

goldenpinof · 5 years

Text

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape. I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem. Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

#basically i'm gay #daniel howell #danielhowell #dan and phil #amazingphil #phil lester #yes im tagging i dont care #if there's a flaw somewhere (like a missed part or sm) dm me so i could fix it #id go through it again anyway but just in case #oh and it's literally just dan's substitles so all credits to him or whoever did that #hmm i wonder if they hired someone. interesting #have fun #the script

2K notes · View notes