#alex give women like one chance I can show you the world it’s gonna be way better than it is with him I can dress and we can talk outfits

[valyrfia]

https://x.com/leclercsletters/status/1797698519093895243?t=JTR2sH1DYMJ2_KpiX3R8lg&s=19

she's glowing, beautiful, the white stilleto and jeans combo eats

he's JUST got out of bed, he might not have taken a shower the night before by the fucking looks of it (...for legal reasons this is... a joke)

i need men to leave beautiful women alone

She’s effortlessly beautiful, the epitome of grace and class and style, a mother to a beautiful son. He’s there….I guess. Is he even house trained? Who knows.

“I need men to leave beautiful women alone” it truly is a plague.

[itsatoyboat]

i finished true colors and i’m having a lot of thoughts that i NEED to talk about.

(if this is gonna be long idk, i apologize for your eyeballs)

1. i honestly didn’t like alex at all when i saw the trailer, i was thinking “hmm idk about this one” but as soon as i started to play the game i fell so in love with her, she is so freaking smart and funny, she genuinely cares about the people around her and her story it’s very different from the other characters from LIS anthology. i truly enjoyed seeing alex’s development throughout the game especially her realizing that her powers can actually help the people around her and not harm anyone, the way she controls it after her conversation with gabe was such an awesome upgrade from the alex who was so ashamed of her power to alex superwoman. i liked how the game explored her emotions and her mind about the past, the mine part where alex was struggling to feel everything she felt in those days and then embracing everything was one of my favorite parts. it shows a lot of growth.

2. this game has AMAZING CHARACTERS, every single one of the characters was well written, they had life, they had problems, they had their own emotions with private stuff that was going on in their lives and you could actually talk to them and meet their “layers”. mac for an example was an asshole but i couldn’t pretend i didn’t felt his concern and fear around typhon, the way he was terrified about everyone hating him, he was scared for his life and being very paranoid, i was concerned about him and the game giving you the choice to speak to him or leaving him was a tricking decision cause you could leave him alone suffering or try to help him out, maybe saving his life and this is a lot but he’s alive. the game makes him real and that’s what makes me INSANE about the characters. i know, i’m talking about a game where you’re supposed to feel the characters’ feelings but that could possibly go wrong as well if the characters were shallow and poorly explored and that’s not the case with true colors. they had purpose.

3. alex’s power it’s probably my favorite power. the choices in this game was way harder than the first two games, the craziest thing is you can choose if you want to take someone else’s feeling so they can stop feeling that way, saving them from themselves making alex suffer instead and that's selfish. don’t get me wrong, i’m not calling alex a selfish person but taking someone else’s feeling doesn’t make anything better, you’re taking their right to heal, to be alive and that is so fucking awesome. you have this power to help someone, to “take their pain away” and you will learn that people need to feel what they are supposed to feel so they can move forward cause if we don’t, we are never going to learn. we see that charlotte is pretty angry about gabe’s death, she blames everyone but mostly ethan, she is miserable. alex can choose between taking charlotte’s anger or leave her. if alex takes charlotte’s anger, charlotte is left completely empty, she doesn’t feel anything and when i say anything it’s anything. she is left emotionless and bitter, she doesn’t pass through her way of mourning for gabe and she doesn’t have alex’s back when alex confronts jed. if alex leave charlotte to her anger we have a nice moment between them on the festival, talking about what happened and charlotte gets alex’s back on the black lantern and that’s what i mean from being selfish, if we take someone else’s feelings we are being unfair to them, we are choosing for them and people are supposed to feel, heal in their own time or overcome. by taking charlotte’s anger we deprived her from healing, we are not helping her, we are just making an natural process even more difficult and slower. alex being able to hear what someone is thinking and enter that person’s world from what they are feeling at that moment it’s the best detail for me, everything changes, we get to see the world through that person’s eyes, we can understand them but we decide what to do with that, we can be selfish or actually help. of course, we can take pike’s situation for an example also, if we take his fear we can help him overcome typhon and we get to expose jed but pike’s fear was necessary to take and charlotte was not necessary, pike at least had the pendrive with the recorded calls on it so we had a chance for things to get better.

4. chapter 5 was an amazing ending. finding out the truth about typhon, jed was never a hero, alex confronting her past, the confrontation and seeing who was going to be on your side, alex’s final conversation with gabe and the end, it was better than i thought it could be. i truly loved seeing alex’s past, even with everything that went down she turned to be a good person who wanted to be loved (her passion for music being the thing that helped her connected to me in a lot of levels, that creep cover though i screamed so hard when she started to sing). the mine part was absolutely insane not just alex surviving that fall discovering that gabe was looking for his dad for so long, jed knowing it and all of this time his dad actually died because of jed, alex finding the truth by taking her mom’s necklace back from what was left of that accident it’s so heartbreaking, the confrontation was crazy, i thought no one was going to believe alex because jed was so loved by everyone there it would be so easy to doubt alex and just be on jed’s side which was what ryan did but it’s understandable, jed was his dad, his hero. alex’s speech on jed exposing him after everything was one of the best monologues on that game and man this game had AMAZING dialogues and monologues, everything felt so real and beautiful, the best part of it it’s to forgive jed that’s where alex break him, he regrets everything even more cause when we find out the truth. we find out why jed never enjoyed talking about being the hero of haven springs. at the end jed wasn’t entirely a bad person cause when we forgive him he gives back alex her dad’s jacket talking about how he wanted to give it to gabe but couldn’t, that’s something that made me love even more the characters even jed that was the “villain”, which i don’t think he is. what he did was terrible and he knew that, he tried to pretend nothing happened when alex started to talk but at the end he broke, that always haunted him and that’s the difference between him and jefferson who was actually the villain in life is strange he wasn’t forced to do those things, he killed rachel, he killed chloe, he manipulated nathan, he was going to kill max and if max didn't stopped him on the arcadia bay ending he would kill even more students at blackwell.

5. alex and steph relationship was the purest thing on this game, it was smooth, it was organic, it wasn’t something out of the blue, steph liked alex since the beginning. the plan to pick someone to flirt with diane and get her pendrive i chose ryan and afterwards steph started to feel something, she was so upset that alex used to think ryan was “hotter than her” (i only chose ryan cause i didn’t want to see steph flirting with diane but i saw the scene where we pick steph and omg i should’ve chosen steph cause that scene it’s hilarious), steph was happier around alex, every time she had an opportunity to flirt with alex she took it. seeing their love grow through the chapters was beautiful, i know we can choose ryan over steph but i don’t believe ryan liked alex the way steph did, you can literally see that no matter what alex did steph was going to support her and look at her with so much love and respect and that’s why i think alex and steph’s relationship it’s so pure and right. also they looked so good playing together it’s so cute that they have the same passion for music and THAT LARP SCENE FOR GOD’S SAKE MY HEART MELTED!

6. this part is exclusively to talk about LARP and the fight scenes, it reminded me so much of final fantasy it was so COOL, well thought and so fun. it was awesome to see everyone taking care of ethan and doing their best to make him happy.

7. talking about ethan, this game opened a conversation in my head about charlotte and ethan, i started to think a lot about what charlotte said about ethan how she felt happier when gabe was around and now she was stuck with only ethan again, it made me think that maybe charlotte didn’t want to have a child or if she didn’t had ethan she could have gabe again. that could open a conversation about women who didn’t want to become a mom but it doesn’t mean that charlotte would hurt ethan which makes total sense to decide to leave her alone and not take her anger, she would never hurt ethan. it was again another tricking decision cause we get concerned about ethan when charlotte starts to talk but we know deep down she cares so much about her son, she does everything for him.

life is strange true colors became my favorite life is strange, the story it’s different and great, it’s literally finding the truth about everything, when we understand people’s feelings we discover the truth about them and situations, we understand everything. this game actually made me cry harder and think so much even more than the first one and boy i love the first one so badly. it talks a lot about empathy and how we react to people’s emotions, your choices in this game are way harder than messing with time or moving things with your mind, it’s choices about things that could happen in real life eventually and that is what makes this game so important to me, it’s real.

and also it's the first life is strange to have happy endings like.. ok big steps for my non depression finally

[13uswntimagines]

It Can Be Both (Emily x Alex x Kelley x Reader)

Request: Kelley,Emily,Alex, and yn now like two on each team and yn is a goal keeper just watching confused wondering what the hell everyone is on and how it’s going to end later    (You know)

Author’s Note: I’m going to be honest- this felt very much like a rebound after doing gravity. Like something to get my writing juices flowing again. it ends with a touch of sexual content so warning. hit me up if you have questions or just wanna chat. 

You knew it was going to be a rough one before you even stepped on the pitch. Hell, you knew it was gonna be bad when Alex and Kelley started betting before national team camp had even started. 

Though they were two of the most competitive people on the planet, you and Emily were not (off the pitch at least). But it was hard to stay out of it when their performance, chosen rewards, and/or punishments very much included the both of you. 

You barely even got to admire how good either of your girlfriends looked in white (you made sure Alex knew your feelings about her in that galaxy kit) before things started to get wild. 

“Come on ref!” You yelled, running a gloved hand frustratedly through your hair and shaking your head. Was Sonnett’s challenge hard, yes, but did it deserve a yellow? You didn’t think so. 

You could guess that some of Emily's aggression came from the reward  Kelley negotiated for them if the Spirit beat the Pride. At least Alex was laughing it off and standing. 

“Looks like your girls are trying to murder each other,” Ali snorted, pausing just outside the box to protect against a counter if the corner kick in the other box went south. 

“Vlatko’s probably shitting his pants,” You mumbled, wincing as Emily and Alex clashed again. God, Emily wanted to win. 

“What’s gotten into them,” Ali asked, just as your two defenders collapsed the pocket Alex was trying to slip through. 

You raised your eyebrow at the defender, your cheeks a little red (blatantly ignoring Kelley’s wink from across the field), “you really don’t want to know,” 

Ali looked between you and the three women battling it out on the field, smirking a little. Even though she had seen it more times than she could count, it was still a little strange to see your tall frame look so flustered. “Ooo, so it’s one of those games?” 

“I didn’t ask to be a part of it,” you huffed, crossing your arms indignantly. 

“So there’s not something riding on you getting a clean sheet?” It was Ali’s turn to raise her eyebrows. More red-colored your cheeks, so much so you were sure it was all the way up to your ears by now. 

It wasn’t a secret that it was a thing during the World Cup. One that you very much enjoyed, especially after you pulled off a PK save in the final to come out with a clean sheet. 

You paused, biting your lip. “Not tonight,” 

Ali laughed loudly as Alex set up for her another corner. “Ah, so it all depends on them then?” 

You shrugged. Most of the time you really hated giving up control, but Alex also promised you would like what she picked (even if you weren’t planning on participating). You also trusted Emily and Kelley to stick to your limits, no matter how stoked they were on winning (if they won). 

You sighed when Emily marked Alex just a touch too closely again. “More like Alex and Kel. Guess they got Em on board too,” 

“Did you expect them not to?” Ali asked, her voice showing that she already knew the answer. 

“No, just thought Emily would be on my side,” You grumbled, a gloved hand scratching the back of your neck. 

“Well, I’m sure you won’t enjoy whatever they have planned at all,” Ali rolled her eyes and patted your shoulder, before heading off as the Spirit tried to counter. 

“Shut up,” You huffed, backing up towards goal, your cheeks still very red. You still had 80is minutes to go before you would find out exactly what your girlfriends had planned. 

*****

You had seen a lot of bad refs, but this one was something special. She was micromanaging the field, and you were starting to get tired of it. 

“What the fuck,” You grumbled in between giving your defense direction. 

It was one thing to yell at Kelley for being a little rough (even if it was with Alex), and another to argue with her about 

“Surprised she hasn’t hit her yet,” Emily said, side-eyeing you.

“Be surprised I haven’t hit you yet,” You huffed, barely sparing your blond defender a glance. Fouling as much as she had wasn’t good form, and it wouldn’t help her case with Vlatko. 

Plus you were too busy watching the refs try to corral your most stubborn girlfriend. Her irritation was palpable and you knew if the Ref kept pushing, Kelley was probably going to respond exactly how Emily thought she would. 

“Ooo, kinky,” She laughed. 

You rolled your eyes. “Just clean it up and chill out alright? We need to be able to play to make the team,” 

She snorted, bumping you with her elbow. “Not a chance with what Al put on the line,” 

“I don’t care what she bet. Cool it so we all walk out tonight,” You growled a little more firmly, taking on the tone you used when giving orders on the pitch. The voice that always made her and Kelley listen to you when they were giving you shit for being younger. 

Instead of saluting like she normally would, a very large smirk broke across Emily’s face. “You have no idea what she chose do you?” 

You froze, finally looking towards the defender and blinking owlishly at her. 

So maybe you hadn’t considered that Alex would include you in the bet, and factor in your opinion on her chosen reward. You thought maybe you would just get to watch whatever they had decided and stay safe from whatever punishment if you lost.

Emily cackled as the ball sailed right past your state of stupor, running off to celebrate before you could even respond. 

Despite being in a relationship with them for nearly 2 years, it still caught you off guard sometimes when they included you. It took you a very long time to open up and accept their love (and their physical touch), and even though you were comfortable now, it was still a weird experience to have them care. To have them always think of you when making plans (even ones you weren’t sure you wanted to be involved in). 

You blinked again, shaking your head as though it would help you clear your thoughts. It didn’t, but a warm hand on your shoulder and an annoyed (but concerned voice) in your ear helped. 

“Hey space cadet, you ok there?” 

“Um, yeah,” You smiled tightly at Alex, allowing yourself to lean into her for just a second. It was hard to focus on the game with all the stuff running around your head. 

“Good, cause the ref just called back the kick. Get ready to go again,” She said softly, brushing a fallen strand from your eyes. “and keep your eyes on the ball this time,” She smirked, tapping your nose. 

You wrinkled it under her finger. She laughed a little. It was nice to see you so relaxed, even when you were surrounded by so many people. Maybe they would have to play these little games more often, you know if it could get you to let down your stoic exterior. “You can stare at Em later after we win. She’ll be in a much more… enjoyable position,” she wiggled her eyebrows and squeezed your shoulder. 

“Eye eye captain,” You saluted, earning another laugh. 

“You’ve been hanging out with Emily too much,” she said, with the roll of her eyes as she headed off to her position for the re-kick. 

You wouldn’t let it slip past you again. Alex was right, you would be able to enjoy your girlfriends later. 

*****

“That fucking goal should have counted and you know it,” Kelley grumbled as she slipped into the back seat with you. 

“Well it didn’t,” you mumbled, scooting over as Emily hopped into the other side, effectively trapping you between them. 

“You two cheated anyway,” Alex said from the front seat, glancing back at the three of you in the rear view mirror. You didn’t know it yet, but this was very much part of her plan. 

“We did not,” Kelley snorted, shuffling even closer to you, so your thighs were pressed together, just as Emily did the same thing on your other side. You didn’t think much of it, both defenders were always rather cuddly after a game. 

“So Em distracting y/n wasn’t part of the plan?” Alex asked, raising a signature eyebrow in the mirror (sharing a look with Kelley - one you didn’t see.) 

“And neither of you were trying to remove Alex’s ankles from her body?” You added, wigging a little as Emily’s hand landed on your thigh, just a bit too high to be a friendly touch. 

“We plead the fifth,” She said softly, very close to your ear, sending shivers down your spine. 

You sucked in a shallow breath when Kelley’s hand joined hers on your other thigh. Her lips touched your neck and worked their way up to your ear. 

“But can I just say, your red cheeks made you look very cute tonight,” she purred, nibbling at the skin on your ear, just as Emily did the same on your other side. 

The heat returned to your cheeks, and your hands clenched on your knees. You weren’t quite sure what you were supposed to do with them. 

“I’m not cute,” You muttered, your fingers tapped uncomfortably on your legs. You didn’t like not being the one in control. 

“Just sit back and enjoy it babe,” Emily hummed, her lips working from behind your ear all the way back down your neck to nibble on your collarbone. her hand also shifted to intertwine your fingers. 

The small act helped you to relax a little, and you squeezed her fingers in thanks. 

“Yeah, we’re gonna take very good care of you,” You could feel Kelley’s smirk just behind your ear as her fingers traced a little higher. You knew you could put a stop to this if you really wanted to, but you weren’t sure that you did. 

You found Alex’s eyes in the mirror, flicking between the road and your face. 

“Thought this was your reward, not mine,” You said, your voice coming out in little pants. 

She smiled slyly at you. “Why can’t it be both?” 

Kelley’s hand squeezed your thigh, just as Emily scraped her teeth along your shoulder. “Yeah?” Kelley asked into your ear. 

“Yeah. It can be both,”

[onlyangelcas]

rosé flowing with your chosen family

my addition to @spnwomenweek ☼ day 2: family | read on ao3

“Claire,” Kaia says softly, placing her hand on Claire’s shoulder. “This is your family, what are you so worried about?”

Claire sighs, unsure of what exactly is so nerve wracking about walking into a house filled with her loved ones. Her back is resting against the side of her beat up station wagon, one sneaker kicking uselessly at the gravel under her feet and Kaia is looking at her with those concerned eyes that make her stomach knot up with guilt.

In front of her, past the somewhat wild front lawn, is Sam and Eileen’s new home, where their family is gathered for a last minute housewarming party. Sam and Eileen had put in an offer a few days after their wedding back in March, eager to get out of the dingy bunker and begin their life as a married couple. Claire was happy for them, Sam deserved a life of domesticity, just as Cas and Dean did.

It was weird, those first few weeks after the Winchsesters had defeated Chuck, God, whatever. Claire was devastated by the news of Cas being taken by the Empty, she hardly moved from her bed in the days following. Left confused, broken, and grieving an angel who was like her father in more ways than just his appearance. Kaia was supportive, of course, content to cuddle up next to her and run a soothing hand through her hair or convince her to eat a real meal at least once a day.

Before she even had the chance to fully process the loss of Cas, Jack and Dean had rescued him from the Empty. She remembered Jody’s voice calling out to her, she had slid from her bed and padded toward the front door. Claire was shocked to see Cas standing there, normal trench coat and suit traded in for a sweater and jeans, his hand tightly holding Dean’s. The two men had looked at her with concern, probably taking in her wrinkled pajamas, two-day-old bun, and the dark circles under her eyes. She had passed on asking the millions of questions that had flooded her mind in favor of wrapping herself tightly around Cas.

Claire had never been one to show her emotions so viscerally, but in that moment she couldn’t help the tears that quickly rolled down her cheeks. The joy of seeing Cas, when she thought he was gone for good, standing in her living room full of life and having apparently worked out whatever feelings he had for Dean, was overwhelming. Cas held her tightly while Dean ran a soothing hand across her back, and she wept openly for the first time since the Bad Place.

After that, things had returned to normal. Not normal for Claire, because all she had really known for the last few years was hunting, but the kind of normal where she didn’t have to kill monsters or worry that Sam and Dean were off getting themselves in trouble. There weren’t any monsters to hunt anymore, which left her feeling empty and useless for months. Kaia had pulled her out of that, like Kaia always did, and they decided to travel across the country and see the places they had never been able to enjoy before. It was freeing, to be on the open road, enjoying just being alive.

Claire and Kaia often passed through Kansas to visit Cas, Dean, and Jack at their house on the lake or to swing by the bunker to see Sam and Eileen. They never missed a birthday, wedding, or big event. Which is how they found themselves back in Kansas, Jody had called to let them know everyone was getting together for a housewarming party for Sam and Eileen. Her and Kaia had been in Memphis, enjoying barbecue and Blues, so the drive wasn’t too much of a hassle.

“Earth to blondie,” Kaia says, snapping Claire back to the present. “Are we going inside anytime soon? I’m starving, babe.”

Claire clears her throat, “Yeah, sorry. Lost in my head.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She looks into Kaia’s eyes, the usual soft brown painted with worry, and smiles in hopes it will ease her girlfriend’s concern, “No, I’m good, just overthinking. Let’s go eat.”

Kaia gives her a tentative smile, wrapping her hand around Claire’s and pulling her in for a chaste kiss.

They approach the front door, Claire raises her hand to knock but before her knuckles make contact the door swings open, revealing Sam with a grin spread across his face. He quickly wraps them both up in a hug and pulls them inside the loud and lively house. Claire and Kaia congratulate him on the house before breaking away to greet Jody, Donna, Alex, and Patience.

After hugs are exchanged and road trip updates are given, Claire slips away to the kitchen for a drink and Kaia heads toward Cas and Eileen who are clearly gossiping in ASL in the far corner of the living room.

Claire yanks open the fridge and helps herself to a beer, twisting off the cap and taking a long drink before propping herself against the counter.

“Hello Claire,” Jack says happily from where he’s sitting at the kitchen island, Claire hadn’t even noticed him when she first came in.

“Jack, jeeze, you scared me.”

“My apologies, I didn’t realize you hadn’t seen me.” Jack responds, his hands wrapped around a can of root beer.

“Yeah, I guess I was a little lost in thought.” She says, turning her head toward the door where the sound of Dean’s laughter is filtering through.

There’s a pause then, as Claire contemplates how she ended up here, with this ragtag group of former hunters, angels, and a witch that she calls family. It’s weird, she had always expected her dad to show back up one day and make their family whole again, back when she was young and naive. It’s even weirder, she thinks, that this band of misfits has become a better image of family than she could ever imagine to have with her mother and father. Claire had come to think of herself as a combination of Novak-Winchester-Mills-Hanscum for quite some time now, content to be part of this chosen family.

She still missed her mom and dad, from time to time, wondered what life would have been like if they had stayed with her. Claire never let herself spend too long on that path, knowing that if things had been different she would have never known Jody or Alex, she would never have known Cas, or Sam and Dean, she never would have fallen in love with Kaia. She has a family now; she found a mother in Jody and Donna, Castiel and Dean became her kind-of dads, Sam and Eileen the closest thing she has to an uncle and aunt, Alex and Patience are her sisters, Jack her brother. It’s weird and mismatched, but it’s hers and she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Claire,” Jack says, breaking her out of her thoughts. “You seem troubled.”

Claire flashes him a watery smile, suddenly overcome with affection for her perfectly messed up family, “Actually the opposite.”

Jack smiles back at her, a gap-toothed goofy grin, “Oh, I thought you were upset.”

She pushes herself away from the counter, abandoning her beer on the stone surface, and makes her way over to Jack. “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, Claire, anything.” Jack says, his head tilting up slightly to lock eyes with Claire, who is standing close enough that she’s marginally taller than Jack sitting down.

Claire pulls Jack into a hug, wrapping her arms so tightly around him that her ribs ache, “I love you.”

Jack slowly loops his arms around Claire, resting his cheek against her shoulder, “I love you, too.”

She lets out a wet laugh, giving Jack one final squeeze before pulling away.

“Well,” A gruff voice says from the doorway. “Isn’t that just a sight for sore eyes.”

Claire whips her head around to find Dean lounging against the doorframe, his face soft with a bit of fondness in his eyes.

“Hello Dean,” Jack says, his face still twisted up in a goofy grin.

Dean stalks forward into the kitchen, quickly wrapping the two up in a warm embrace and pressing a kiss to the top of their heads. He pulls away just as quickly as he pulled them in, locking eyes with Claire and giving her a look that conveys all the words he can’t say out loud.

“Jack helped me get a bunch of Sammy’s baby pictures scanned onto a CD and I’m gonna put ‘em up on the TV for everyone, you don't wanna miss it.” Dean says, giving her a gentle pat on the back.

She laughs, “Sounds mortifying, I can’t wait to see Sam’s face.”

“C’mon,” He says, jerking his head toward the living room before turning and heading out the door.

Claire watches him and Jack disappear into the other room, smiling to herself as she snatches up her beer and heads into the chaos. Cas, Kaia, and Eileen are still deep in conversation. Jody and Donna are whispering quietly to each other on the other side of the room. Rowena, Patience, and Alex are pressed together on the couch, a martini glass dangling from Rowena’s hand as she gestures wildly, obviously recounting an insane tale as the other women listen with rapt attention.

She slides in next to Sam, who is leaning against the stairway railing, eyeing Jack and Dean with suspicion as they fiddle with the disc player next to the TV.

“This is a great house, Sammy.”

Sam looks down at her, smiling slightly, “It’s not bad, but it’s the people who really make it home.”

Claire returns his smile, then turns back to the scene in front of her; all her favorite people, the people she loves most in the world, gathered in one room.

Dean always says, family don’t end with blood, something his own stand-in father, Bobby, used to tell him. Claire never met Bobby, but she thinks he might have been onto something.

[buckysmischief]

running in the dark - 1

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 1,291

Warning(s): language, angst from the start but ends on a good note

AN: It you haven’t seen x men first class and/ or don’t know who Alex Summers is & need a face for the character, just google Lucas Till. & if anyone wants to be tagged, there’s 23 spots.

to the permanent tags - if you don’t want to be on the list anymore for any reason at all, message me and let me know. ill be making a post about it in a few days (maybe) but just figured id mention it now lol

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Your attention wasn’t fully on Alex and he could tell, “Where’s your head at?”

“You,” you lied, “and this game.”

“You hate baseball, Yn. Don’t lie.” Alex Summers was a blonde hair blue eyes masterpiece who was sculpted by the gods, too bad their temper wore off on him.

In the hopes of avoiding a public argument, you thought telling the truth would be the safest bet, “My anxiety is just really high, Wanda and Pietro kinda dropped a bomb on me before I left the house and I haven’t processed it. Remember my old neighbor that I was close to, but we fell out of touch? He’s coming back apparently.” For a moment you thought he had dropped it, but no, he’s been wanting to start a fight since you made him late to the game.

“So you’re telling me that you’re thinking of another guy and the irrelevance of his life to yours in the middle of a date that I paid for?” He always knew how to play the victim, and any other night you would have fallen for it, but not tonight. So you ignored him. “Well I’m gonna go, have fun finding a way home.”

You didn’t have to find one, Wanda was always on standby for situations like this - which was reason number four she didn’t like him. The fact that it happened more than once wasn’t information you wanted to share, but after a long session with your therapist you knew that it wouldn’t do well to keep that information to yourself. If Bucky was here it would have been him, which was something else she wanted to talk about but your time would always run out around that point.

The drive to the house from the stadium was short and quiet, but the moment the smell of the ocean began to fill your senses you felt yourself becoming more grounded. Living at the beach was the one condition you had when Wanda suggested you get a place together, which is why she had four houses picked out before she even asked you.

You just wanted to go sit on the roof and watch the waves crash into the sand, but if Pietro’s car parked in the driveway meant anything it was that the three of you were in for one hell of a night.

“Hey there, doll.” Correction, the four of you. “Long time no see.”

“I’m sorry, who are you?” Anger was never an emotion you felt for Bucky before he left, but over time it became the only one you could remember.

Bucky knew you wouldn’t be exactly thrilled to see him, not after cutting all communication, but he didn’t expect that. He expected awkward silence, shifty eye contact, even you going off on him. If he knew you were this mad, pretending not to know him mad, he would have gone about this totally different. “Let’s walk the beach, the moon’s just bright enough to light the way.”

“No.” You wanted to run to him and give him a hug that would make up for the eight years of silence, but when you looked at the man who was standing in your living room… he was a stranger. This Bucky’s hair was shorter and he stood taller, you could spot a few tattoos on his arms and another creeping up the side of his neck, he even had facial hair. If so much had changed on the outside, you weren’t ready to find out how much had changed on the inside, not yet. “You’re a stranger, could be a murder for all I know. Or worse, someone who just up and leaves. Already had that happen once tonight, wouldn’t wanna risk it a second time.”

You ignored everyone and walked up to your room and had every intention of going to bed, but the voices coming from downstairs were too distracting - especially since you couldn’t make out what they were saying. It didn’t help that you longed to have your toes in the sand ever since Bucky mentioned that walk. The last thing you were going to do was show your face downstairs though, so your bedroom window was the only way out.

Once you were safely on solid ground and you could taste the salt in the air it was like you could breathe again. In the last six hours your entire world had turned upside down, again. It always seemed like one thing after another but the last six alone have been a complete joke. Sure, lashing out probably wasn’t the best move but what else were you supposed to do? Pretend everything was okay? Not a chance.

“You know, after all these years it’s comforting to know this is still your happy place.” You didn’t hear him coming, but you figured he’d show up eventually.

“So you’re not a stranger.” he started to smile, figuring you were finally over it and ready to talk, but that wasn’t the case. “You’re a stalker.”

“Can you just drop the attitude for five minutes and look at me? You can be mad at me all you want after that. If you can’t give me five minutes then I’ll leave, but when you’re ready I’ll be at Pietro’s.” He stood behind you for a few more minutes, neither of you speaking a word, before deciding to walk away. Your feet were moving before your brain could even register what was happening, and when Bucky turned around with arms wide open because he knew no matter what you’d never let him walk away from you, you ran even faster.

The two of you just sat in silence for a while, but eventually Bucky’s curiosity got the better of him, “So, who is Alex?”

“Alex Summers, he was a grade ahead of us.”

“You’re dating that asshole?”

“How surprised are you really?” Truth be told, he wasn’t. Of course he hoped that at some point over the years you would stop dating losers and find someone who treated you right, for many years he hoped that guy would be him, but sadly he knew neither of those things would happen.

“You deserve someone who’s going to treat you right, Yn, that’s it.” He meant it. Even if that person was someone else, he meant it. Bucky had tried moving on from you by dating a couple different women but they could never compare to you, especially Natasha. She was so jealous of his friendship with you, even the idea of you, that she had somehow manipulated her way into alienating you from his life. It was something he couldn’t undo, but something he was determined to make right.

“So what about you?” wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible, you asked the first thing that came to mind, “How was the Army?”

“It was fine. Got to travel a bit but I mostly stayed in Texas. How have things been here?”

“They’ve been great.” The lie came out easy, it always did. “Do you wanna head back in? I’m starving.”

He pulled you up from your spot in the sand and as he was carrying you back to the house you realized you weren’t mad at him anymore. You had a glimpse of hope that maybe this was the first step in things finally going back to normal since he left.

“So,” he spoke softly, “we’re good?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, we were never not good.” acting as if you didn’t treat him as a stranger only hours ago.

“I was hoping you grew out of being a brat.” Everyone knew that would never happen.

“Me? A brat? Sergeant Barnes, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

perm tags (49/50): @sociallyeneptbarnes @hopesbarnes @stuckonjbbarnes @superavengerpotterstar @estillion14 @sleepingspacedragon @geeksareunique @imsoft-barnes @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @murdermornings @distractedgemini @screaming-fridge @readeity @whatinthyworld @my-drowning-in-time @valkyriesryde @buggy-blogs​ @hey-its-grey @pinknerdpanda @brokenthelovely @theannoyingnightmarecollector @death-unbecomes-you @rhymesmenagerie @teasgyu @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @https-bucky @also-fangirlinsweden @goalexis123 @missmeganrachel @sunflowersandcherry @miraclesoflove @matsumama @reann-loves-sebstan @thinkoutsidethebex @thefridgeismybestie @niall2017 @maddope @imagine-all-the-imagines @thummbelina @m3ga1nsp1r3d @romaniansweetheart @thebadassbitchqueen @king-sebb @nerdy-bookworm-1998 @bonkyboinkybucky @slaytherinthoughts @kingkassam @anti-the-glitch-bitch @poppunkdork

series tags (2/25): @rebekahdawkins​ @writerwrites​

[amanda-glassen]

The Wonder Years

While getting ready for her first school dance, twelve-year-old Olivia starts a path toward discovering who she is truly meant to be.

Twelve-year-old Olivia typically spent her Friday afternoons with Elliot and some of the other boys in their neighborhood, but with her mom home early from work for the first time in weeks, Olivia wanted a mother/daughter day. Serena Benson wasn’t into sports unless her daughter was playing, so they typically watched movies together or played games, but that afternoon Olivia was particularly excited because she didn’t have any homework over the weekend and she’d get to spend her time with her favorite people: watching movies with her mom on Friday, the Spring Fling with Alex on Saturday, and watching baseball with Elliot on Sunday. Olivia thought her weekend was practically perfect until it dawned on her that she had forgotten something…

She shoveled a handful of popcorn in her mouth as she contemplated the right way to put it. Olivia knew her mom would be upset with her either way, so after finishing her popcorn and chugging a small bottle of Gatorade, she knew the longer she waited, the more upset her mom would be. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

Olivia rested her head on her mom’s shoulder and wrapped her arms around her. “Did you know you’re the coolest mom in the world? You’re so beautiful and smart and fun and I’m so lucky to be your daughter.”

Serena kissed her daughter’s temple. “As much as I love hearing that, I know you either want something or you got detention again.”

“I didn’t get detention again,” Olivia said defensively. She took a deep breath and remembered that she had to calm down if she wanted to remain on her mom’s good side after what she was about to tell her. “You know how I’m going to the Spring Fling tomorrow? Well, I kinda sorta don’t have anything to wear.”

“Kinda sorta?”

“Okay, not kinda sorta,” Olivia responded, trying to give her mom her sweetest and most innocent look. “I have nothing to wear tomorrow, but in my defense, I had a lot going on. My basketball season ended and softball began. Then there was March Madness and the Mets pre-season games. Not to mention, all of the pressure that’s put on kids today to succeed at both academics and extracurricular activities. It’s no wonder I forgot to shop for something to wear.”

Serena playfully squeezed her daughter, causing Olivia to giggle. “Olivia Margaret, what am I going to do with you?”

“Take me shopping and then to Starbucks?” Olivia asked hopefully.

With three hours left until the mall closed, Olivia didn’t even get a chance to browse her favorite sporting goods store. Nearly a year had passed since the last time Olivia had worn a dress and she had already grown out of it as well as almost all of the other clothes she had worn during the previous school year. Olivia looked at her mom casually browsing the racks of colorful spring dresses in the juniors department. She admired how sophisticated her mom always looked and how she could pull off any style better than the women in the magazines. Although she’d never admit it to her mom or her friends, Olivia occasionally felt insecure about the way she looked in her clothes. She was now too tall to fit in the kids department, but she hated most of the clothes in the juniors department because it was either too tight or too revealing for her tastes. 

Olivia hesitated to even sift through the racks, so her mom picked out ten dresses for her to try on. The thought of trying on ten dresses was overwhelming for Olivia, but she trusted her mom’s sense of style and figured once this was over, she wouldn’t have to shop again until it was time for back to school shopping in the summer. 

“Mom, this one’s itchy!” Olivia called out while she had on the first dress and she could have sworn she heard her mom laugh from the other side of the fitting room door. 

“Move on to the next one, Ollie.”

“This one is too tight,” Olivia told her mom without even letting her see how the second dress looked on her. “I can’t move comfortably. What if I wanna play kickball or something? I won’t even be able to.”

“Why would you be playing－” Serena stopped herself. “You know what, if you played kickball outside instead of dancing at your first dance, it wouldn’t even surprise me.”

Olivia tried on the next dress, which ended up being more low cut than she had thought it would be. She wanted to take it off and change back into her jeans and hoodie, but her mom wanted to see at least one of the dresses she had tried on, so Olivia reluctantly opened the door. 

“That’s way more skin than I want you showing at twelve-years-old,” Serena told her. “It’s too low on top.”

Olivia crossed her arms over her chest. “Mom, you picked it. Besides, I don’t have the boobs for this dress.”

Serena covered her mouth, hoping to stifle her laughter. “Well, not yet, but you will someday.”

“No way!” Olivia shook her head. “The moment they start to grow, I’m taping them down.”

“Taping them down isn’t going to stop them,” Serena said as she tucked a strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear. 

“Ugh!” Olivia groaned. “Then what is? When is everything going to stop? I don’t like the way I look and I don’t want to wear dresses or makeup or heels. I don’t want anyone to say ‘Olivia is becoming a beautiful young woman’ or anything like that. I don’t wanna be a woman right now. I don’t know what I wanna be.” 

Olivia tried to be tough and hold back her tears, but she could no longer control them. Instead, she decided to cling to her mom because what she needed to feel most was the comfort of being in her mom’s arms. “My Ollie Koalie,” Serena said softly while she held her. “What can I do to help you? I love you so much. No more dresses, okay? No more of anything that doesn’t make you feel like you.”

Once Olivia had changed out of the dress and back into her jeans and hooded sweatshirt, they left the juniors department and went over to the young men’s department. She may have had to sift through several racks before she found something small enough to fit her, but for the first time in her life, Olivia was excited about clothes shopping. Her mom helped her pick out some black slacks and a black vest and all that was left was the crowning jewel－her shirt.

“Mom,” Olivia said nervously.

“Yes, Ollie,” Serena absentmindedly responded. She grabbed some chinos in tan and olive green and draped them over her arm. “These pants looked good on you and I think we should get you some more.”

“Really?” Olivia asked. “But what about all the clothes you bought me for the start of the school year and for winter?”

“The clothes you’re not happy in?” Serena pointed out. “We’ll donate what you don’t want and refresh your wardrobe, but we can focus on that next week. Right now, we need to get you a shirt.”

“About the shirt…” Olivia hesitated. “Elliot bought a light blue shirt because Kathy’s dress is light blue...and some of the other guys are getting shirts to match their date’s dresses. It’s a thing a lot of the guys at school are doing and I was hoping…”

“Are you trying to tell me you have a date?” Serena asked her now blushing daughter.

Olivia knew her mom had rules against her dating before high school, but she knew Alex was worth any amount of trouble she’d get in. “I do have a date. She’s kinda sorta more than my date.”

“Are we back on kinda sorta?” Serena smiled at her.

“Kinda. I mean, no,” Olivia shook her head. “She’s not my date. She’s my girlfriend.”

“My little Ollie has a girlfriend,” Serena teased. “Is this girlfriend of yours the cute little blonde girl whose picture is the new lock screen wallpaper on your phone?”

“Mom!” Olivia’s eyes grew wide. “You looked at my phone?”

“You were sitting next to me and practically drooling over that picture of her,” her mom told her. “...and I figured if you actually replaced the Giants logo on your phone, she must be really special to you.”

 “There’s something else that’s going to make you think she’s even more special,” Olivia hid her face with her hands. “I’m actually gonna get a pink shirt to match Alex’s dress.”

“A pink shirt?” Serena gasped. “This girl just might be my future daughter-in-law.”

“Mom,” Olivia giggled. “So I’m not in trouble?”

“Have you kissed her?”

“What? No!” Olivia narrowed her eyes. “I don’t do anything like that. Alex and I just hold hands and sit together at lunch.”

“I can’t stop you from liking girls at your age or stop girls from liking you,” Serena began. “You’re way too young to kiss a girl, but if all you’re doing is holding hands and spending time together, I’m fine with you having a girlfriend. Just keep in mind that I will never let the two of you be unsupervised and...Ollie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m here if you ever want to talk about having a girlfriend or talk about anything at all.” 

There were a few other customers nearby, but Olivia didn’t care. She hugged her mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Mommy, and thank you for letting me be me. I think I’m gonna be happier now.”

[that-soccer-guru]

Hello! It’s me again!!! :) How do you think everyone played today?

HI MY DEAR ANON, I'M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, I'VE BEEN SWAMPED WITH WORK BUT HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS.

I know the scoreboard shows that Argentina got absolutely creamed, and honestly that's what I expected to see when I finally got to watch the game. But actually? The US just found their rhythm and the Argentinian players were just trying to do too many jobs to keep up with them. The first 20min of the game were exactly what I want to see out of Argentina from now on, and if Agus and Benitez had been healthy, the game would've maybe been much closer than it was. FUCKING FUND THE WOMEN'S TEAM AFA, FUCKS SAKES.

I am gonna say this right off the bat, the amount of fouls the US got away with during this cup? bro. Especially that KO high kick—I am not a fan of that shit. The fact that a high boot from Argentina got a card but not the high boot to the face from the US? hmmm.

Now, my opinionated opinions. I think a LOT of players showed their best this game. Rose and Press, flawless as always, amazing passes, great runs, really dangerous chances, just oof *chefs kiss* (there was a lil stretch of time before the first goal where Rose made some......... passing choices that were not great, she wasn't picking up her head and was just trying to move the ball forward so they were either ineffective or give aways, but she got it together eventually!)

Geriatrics United FC played really well. I think Pinoe got her stride in and figured out what kind of rotations work for her, she was making less runs to the back and not tiring herself out so much and I think it paid off really well. Lloyd had some really good passes, she was also not moving much past her line and it helped in keeping her sharp. I did love that moment when Cometti told her to stop diving, if you can't tell I love Cometti bc it takes an asshole with personality to tell Carli Lloyd that this isn't a swimming competition.

The defense, sharp as always. Broon and Baby T were holding the backline really well, most of the wing work came from KO in the first 30 so Krueger got to do a lot more backstop work this time, and I did like what I saw. The times she did go high she was putting in great passes and pushing good runs. I think it's not a surprise that I still like to keep my eye on Sonnett when she's on the field, and honestly I am yet to chalk up the hate to anything other than not liking her as a person? For most of the first half after she was subbed in she played double 6s with Ertz, she was putting in good passes, creating nice chances, she had a couple of great shots to the box that could've been goals if the receivers had pulled it off. She's a very physical defender, so what she does it... well.... defend? Clean tackles, great passes, she's trusted to move the ball forward when she needs to and she stays up with Ertz those times and I think it paid off really well, it was a great game for her. Idk what game some people were watching but I'm sure it wasn't this one. Midge, baby Midge, my lil sky flop child, they need to dig her the fuck out of that defense spot now. She really is out there doing her damnedest but you can see it in her game that this isn't her position. Vlatko even swapped Sonnett to the left so Midge could slot into her usual NT position, and it paid off for Sonnett but definitely not for Midge. I just hate to see her in the back.

Ertz, well, JP said it best the woman is a workhorse. 3 games at 90min, that's also bc this team doesn't have great permanent 6s BUT I think that Tierna would've held that spot really well. If they were trying to rest Dahlkemper though it would've been a harder choice. But I digress. She had a better game than the last two, less dumbass fouls, less MMA style moments, good passes, overall I ain't mad at her performance on the field.

BUT OH BOY HER SUB! I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED TO SEE JAELIN HOWELL!!!! Aside from headbutting captain Broon, I think kid did her duty. With enough time to develop and good coaching, and probably training more often with someone like Ertz, she'll be a great Defensive Mid. She has some really good instincts and watching her play, for someone who likes defenders as much as I do, is amazing. (The headbutting was hilarious though, especially because Broon is built from tough shit and nothing short of being stabbed MIGHT keep her down).

Sophia Smith is also another youngling getting to grow used to the NT and I think she did really well. If she can stay healthy she can be a promising replacement for the I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up FC on the edge of retirement.

Okay uh, I'm ngl i forgot Horan was on the field. I expect someone in a playmaking positions to make plays and I didn't see it from her so, eh. Don't get me wrong she had a good game, good passes, as always very physical but this time remarkably less WWE moments, I just expect her Thorns self to show up for the NT and it never happens. Similar to my problem with Alex Morgan except my issue with her is that she can't stay onside to save her freaking life and that is a big problem. She's not particularly physical so everytime she takes part in recovery efforts I know it'll end in a whistle and her dropping like a sack of potatoes, and it usually does. I know she got a goal but Y'all, we can't deny that it was all Sophia Smith fucking hustling. Alex did what she does best, find that sweet spot for a goal, but I don't think that was Alex Morgan being a great player as much as it was Sophia Smith giving her the perfect goal chance.

Now, dear reader, if you made it this far you may be wondering "what about Kristie Mewis!?!?!?" and you know what, fair question. What about KMew. I struggle so much with her because she's been so good. She had great moments in this game, she played a full 90, had a VERY pretty goal, made some good shots at goal. So, what's my issue? I wish I could say she's going to the Olympics. I really want to say she did enough and she's a shoe in for the roster, because holy shit did you see her out there!? Her long passed were nice, her short passes were tight as hell, she was making runs all over the place, she was helping make recoveries, making good passes, taking those shots. I just wish this midfield wasn't as stacked so I can say that her spot is safe. But I can't so I don't know how to comment on her going forward without the roster conversation. HOWEVER she had a great fucking game, and I do love to see her thriving out here. It's a Kristie Mewis world and we're just living in it.

SO, I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this out. But I did want to watch the game to understand how and why the hell Argentina got absolutely smashed when they'd been playing so well the last few games. Injuries really did them in, and the US exploited that really well. Overall I'm looking forward to what happens with this roster. They're getting more dynamic and more efficient at the things they do well, there's a lot of dumbass choices they need to learn to be better in but overall this was a MUCH better game.

[yayeetsonny]

Teamwork Makes The Dream Work~USWNT x Baby reader

Prompt: Baby reader gets injured during the World Cup final

Requested by: @defenseless-squad Enjoy!

Y/N PRO//

If you had told me a year ago that I would be walking on to the field where the women’s soccer World Cup final was being held and that I was starting in the game, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy. This has been my dream since I was 4 years old, and now here I am suiting up along side some of the greats of this generation, Alex Morgan, Christen Press, Tobin Heath, Megan Rapinoe and so many more. My teammates are my idols and I look up to all of them tremendously. At 17 years old I never thought that I’d make it here, or if I did it was going to be several years down the line. I was trying to remain calm and focused but I was practically buzzing with nervousness and excitement. 

“You good, kid?” Megan asked as she wrapped her arms around me from behind. 

“Yeah, Yeah. Just a little nervous is all.”

“I know. We all feel that way, but don’t let it overshadow this. You can do this and you deserve to start today.”

“Thanks Pinoe, I’ll play my very best.”

“I know you will. We all believe in you.”

She squeezed me once more before letting go, as she did Alex turned around to give me a pep talk too.

“You have nothing to prove, you earned your spot on this team and you are gonna kill it out there.” She said while giving me a quick hug, kissing me on the head.

I always thought it was crazy how all of my teammates seemed to know what I was thinking or feeling without me having to say anything. It was a blessing more often than not because I struggled with explaining how I felt a lot of the time.

“What are we?” She asked

“One nation. One team” I said proudly

“That’s right. We play as a team, whatever happens out there, win or lose we do it together.”

And with that It was time for us to walk out of the tunnel onto the field. After we lined up for the anthems, greeted the Netherland’s national team and did the coin toss it was time for kick off. Alex was the captain this game so she started in the circle with a Netherland’s player opposite her. She turned to look at me briefly, winking at me and then the referee blew the whistle and the game was on.

From the start we controlled the game, we wanted to find the back of the net as soon as possible. The Netherland’s had other plans however and were able to hold us off, it was nearing the end of the first half already, I could tell some of my teammates were getting frustrated and I was too. I hadn’t been able to hold onto the ball long and when I did I was taken down with a foul. The entire team, including those on the bench were getting more fired up as time went on. They definitely did not take kindly to people hurting me in any way. After another particularly brutal foul Tobin was in the offending player, Vivianne Miedema’s face while Alex was yelling at the ref to card her.

“Dude, What the hell was that?!”

“I’m just playing the game Heath, Take a chill pill.”

“What did you just say?”

“You heard me.”

At this point several players from both sides were trying to get in between the two but they were determined to keep going.

“Don’t you even care that you could’ve seriously hurt her?”

She gestured to me as I stayed on the ground clutching my ankle with several of our teammates crowding me. They all fussed over me and nearly bit the head off of a Netherlands player who tried to see if I was okay.

“Don’t touch her. This is your fault.”

“How is this my fault?! I didn’t even touch her.” Jill Roord said.

“Your team has been picking on her all game. Don’t act like you don’t know.”

“I’m sorry some of my teammates are being extra rough, Especially Vivianne but don’t blame all of us.”

“Whatever. Just leave her alone.” Julie said a bite to her tone.

“Look, I’m just trying to be nice. I just wanted to see if she’s okay.”

“She isn’t, thanks to you. Just leave.”

“I already told you this isn’t my fault.”

At this point I was worried this was going to turn into an all out brawl on the field as I looked up at my teammates. They all had a fire in their eyes and they looked extremely angry at the entire Netherlands team.

Several Players on both sides were arguing with each other and some looked close to throwing a punch but luckily when I called out to them they all shifted their focus to making sure I was safe and okay. Well, all except for Tobin, she was still giving Miedema a piece of her mind.

“Where on your ankle does it hurt?”

“Do you need to be subbed out?”

“Don’t get up, stay down until the medics come check you out.”

The medics rushed out asking me if I needed to be taken off but I said I was okay and that all I needed was some of that numbing spray and I’d be good to go. The girls didn’t like the idea of me staying in the game because they thought

“You need to ice your ankle little one.”

But I needed to convinced them that I was okay to keep going. I could do this, I needed to do this.

“T, It’s not worth it. Please calm down.” I said as Kelley helped me to my feet.

“Easy, put your weight on me babe.”

“I’m okay Kel, I promise.”

“But your ankle- ”

“I know, it didn’t feel great but I can do this. please let me.”

“Y/N, we really think should- ”

“Guys, I promise I’m okay.”

I finally got them to let up and they agreed to let me keep playing as long as I asked to be subbed out if I needed to.

I was afraid Tobin was going to punch our opponent if I didn’t stop her.

“Tobin, I’m okay. Please let it go.”

“No, she hurt you.”

“Tobin, please.”

I went up to where they were standing, continuing to stare each other down and put my hand on her shoulder.

“I’m good T. It’s okay. Drop it before you get in trouble.”

“Fine. If you pull anything like that again I won’t be so kind.” She said while shoulder checking Miedema as she walked passed her.

The ref blew her whistle impatiently and we all went back to our positions so we could restart. The rest of the half went on without a hitch and after the pep talks in the locker room we headed back out onto the field. Jill decided to keep me in for the second half as well and I was beyond thrilled to have the chance to play a full 90 minutes. We kept trying to find the back of the net almost immediately as the second started and after 62 minutes we finally got the break through we were looking for. Alex drew a foul in the box that led to the referee awarding us with a penalty. 

Pinoe being the legend she is of course, stepped up to take it and just like I knew she would, she sunk it in the bottom right corner of the net. We cheered wildly as we had finally gotten what we were after and we could feel ourselves getting closer to being champions for the second straight time. 

After Megan scored there was a renewed energy to the game and we were ready to close it out. 7 minutes later Rose made the score 2-0 as she shot the ball just out of reach of Sari Van Veenendaal. We once again went crazy with the players on the bench joining us in our celebration. We knew at this point that the game was ours to win as long as we remained focused and saw it out.

Miedema was still going after me, clearly not having learned anything from the first half. I did my best to stay away from her or find my way around her but it wasn’t enough. As I crossed the ball to Alex she slid into me, taking my legs out from under me, causing me to land face first in the turf and then as I stayed down she proceeded to step on my back, digging her cleat in as much as she could. 

“Stay down, kid. You know you deserve this.” She spit at me as she walked away.

I didn’t reply as I was too busy holding my back and crying from the pain. My face throbbed and I didn’t doubt that my nose was bleeding, if not broken as well. My teammates were furious and several of them were up in her face and protesting as it looked like she’d once again get let off the hook. Alex was by my side immediately, telling me not to move.

“Y/N, it’s gonna be okay. The medics are coming.” She said as she leaned down by my head.

“Al, my back and my face hurt so bad. Please make it stop.” I cried

“I know babe, I know. They’re coming, you’ll be okay.” 

She got up after telling Chris, Julie, and Alyssa who had come up field to make sure the medics knew everything while she went to go talk to the ref. 

“Come on! That’s a red!” I heard Alex yell

After more protesting on both sides, the ref finally showed Miedema a red and she walked off the field. At this point the medics had gotten me up and on a gurney and I was being wheeled off the field. Alex ran up next to us before I could completely leave the field.

“It’s okay little one. We got it from here, you did so good. I’m proud of you.” 

She kissed me on the forehead and ran back to the rest of the team. I was holding a cloth on my nose and I was strapped to the gurney with something supporting my back. As I was wheeled off the crowd cheered for me and several of the players on the bench came up to pat me on the shoulder. Telling me I did good and that it was okay. I was crying a lot now and it wasn’t just because I had gotten hurt. I had wanted so badly to stay on the whole game and I was frustrated and angry.

I was taken back to the medical room by our locker room and there they examined me for a concussion and any other injuries besides my nose and my back. They determined that neither was broken but that they were both pretty bruised. After getting my nose cleaned up and ice for both I was allowed to go back out and sit on the bench. As soon as I sat down I was swarmed by my concerned teammates.

“How’re you feeling Y/N?” Mal asked

“You played so well.” Ashlyn said 

“It’s okay, we know you’re bummed about being injured but we’re so proud of you.” said Emily.

They all started to ask me a bunch of questions about my injuries and after a moment I snapped.

“Will you guys cut it out?! Please.”

“We’re sorry we’re all just a little worried about you.” Morgan said

“I’m sorry. I know, I shouldn’t have snapped at you guys like that.”

“It’s okay, we get it.”

“I’m so tired.” I whined

“It’s okay. The game is almost over.”

Just like they said, the game came to an end shortly after and when that final whistle was blown I was overflowing with pride and joy for everything we accomplished. We all charged the field and celebrated together, many of us were crying and overcome with emotion, in shock of what we had just managed to do.

“We did it!” I yelled as I jumped on Alex and wrapped my legs around her.

My tiredness long forgotten as I enjoyed the moment.

“Yeah we did, baby! We’re world champs!”

She spun me around and then let me down so I could run off to the group of young players gathered in the center of the field.

“Guys! Holy shit, we’re world champions!”

“Hell yeah!” 

We continued to celebrate and after the trophy presentation we were allowed to go back to the locker room to continue celebrating there. My back and my nose were bothering me but I wasn’t going to tell the others that. I was bummed I couldn’t drink but I still enjoyed watching everyone else (Minus Christen and Alyssa) get absolutely trashed. I got so many videos of my drunk teammates doing stupid things. They were gonna kill me when they were sober enough but it was totally worth it.

“You okay bub?” Christen asked, coming and sitting next to me on the bench.

“Yeah I’m good.”

“You sure? I saw you rubbing your nose and you look uncomfortable sitting here.”

“I uhh… am a little sore.” I admitted

“Y/N L/N, you should have told me sooner. I would have found a way to help you. Come on, we’re gonna go somewhere a little quieter.”

“No what about the celebrations? I don’t wanna take you away from that- ”

“It’s okay, Y/N. We aren’t gonna stop celebrating for several days, I won’t miss much.”

After she convinced me to go with her somewhere we ended up just going to a spot close to the locker room but away from prying eyes. She grabbed a couple ice packs and we got settled on the ground outside one of the many bathrooms in the facility. She had me lay down with my head in her lap, she placed the ice pack under my back and held the other gently against my nose. We stayed there together until it was finally time to get on the bus and head back to the hotel.

Once we got there her, Alyssa and a few of our more sober teammates had decided to lay down in my room with me for awhile before we had to take off again to another party. Just as Chris had said, we partied and those who could; drank for several days after winning, we appeared on good morning America and we had our own ticker tape parade. These experiences were some of the best of my life and being able to do them along side my 22 best friends was all I could ever ask for.

Many days later when everyone was finally sober again and drinking water only for the next several weeks they all coddled and dotted on me. They were determined to help me heal and feel better even though it wasn’t that serious and I’d be good to play in a couple weeks time. Becoming a world champion was certainly the biggest and best thing to ever happen to me and I couldn’t wait to get back out on the field and play the sport I loved with the people I loved.

//

Sorry for any mistakes, mostly unedited.

[iamtrebleclefstories]

I Believe in Second Chances - Part 5

Things are a little different this time around

Or the story where Alex dies while on his way to stop Jo from reading the letter he sent. Somehow, he gets a second chance

Hi! I am so sorry this took so long to update, but I have started planning the following chapters which will hopefully make it easier to update more frequently.

(i definitely wrote this instead of studying for finals whoops)

If you haven’t read part 4 yet, you can find it here

—Part 5—

The next few weeks played out very differently than they had in his previous life. Since waking up in this timeline, the Alex everyone knew went from a manwhore who couldn’t go more than two days without sleeping around to a caring, attentive guy that had everyone scratching their heads in confusion. There had been multiple moments where Meredith, Jackson, Callie, Cristina and even Bailey had given him strange looks due to changes in behavior. They were especially freaked out when they noticed his newfound friendship with a certain intern. 

“So… are you guys a thing now or what?” Callie asked as they walked into the attendings lounge, mugs of coffee in each of their hands. “I’m just trying to figure it out because I’m not really sure what to say to people when they ask.”

“If people ask, just tell them to stay the hell out of my business,” Alex took another sip of his coffee. “We’re just friends.”

“Oh come,” Callie gave him an unimpressed look. “I know you like her. Why don’t you just make a move already? It’s been a month since you met.”

“Because I want to do this right,” Alex sighed and thought back to the way things unfolded the first time. “There are some things I’m trying to avoid, so I need to show her who I am first. She needs to trust me and like me before I do anything about it.”

“I can’t believe you’re actually trying to impress this girl,” Callie took a long swig of her coffee. “Sure, she’s hot and funny, but what’s so special about her? Because you look at her like she hung the moon and stars.”

“She’s just…” Alex shook his head and vaguely remembered the words he’d said to Cristina over seven years ago. “There have been a lot of girls since Izzie. A lot of nobodies. But this girl isn’t a nobody.”

“Who are you and what have you done to Evil Spawn?” Cristina’s voice startled Callie and Alex as she walked into the attendings lounge. “Are you in love? Is Alex in love?”

“Alex is in love?” Meredith raised her eyebrows as she followed Cristina into the lounge. “Is it that intern he’s been hanging out with? Jo Wilson? If so, Avery owes me twenty bucks.” 

“Why does Avery owe you twenty bucks?” Bailey asked as she joined the rest of them. 

“Alex is in love with his intern,” Callie supplied, ducking as Alex threw a paper ball in her direction. “Hey! What, it’s true. You can’t even deny it.”

“No offense Karev, but don’t you think she might be a little out of your league?” Bailey wondered out loud, an amused expression on her face. 

“She’s definitely out of my league,” Alex replied. Realizing that he wasn’t going to get rid of their prying questions any time soon, Alex decided to give them a straight answer. “Look, she’s different okay? We have a lot of stuff in common and she gets me more than anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ve ever opened up to someone as much as I have with her. She’s also a bit squirrelly—not that it’s her fault—and she’ll run if I get too serious too fast, so I’m being patient and taking it slow so I don’t freak her out.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Meredith blurted out. “Because I swear you do not sound like Alex Karev right now.” 

“You guys suck,” Alex stuck his tongue out at the women and moved to get up. “I’m going to get ready for rounds.”

He left the lounge and started to make his way down to the intern locker room. As he neared the door, Alex heard some comotion inside.

“Oh my God, you like him!”

“You are so into him. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“Look! She’s blushing!”

“Guys, stop it!” Jo’s hushed the three women who had been interrogating her. “Okay, yes fine. I like him, but I’m not going to go around acting like some crazy, desperate girl like Leah—no offense.”

“None taken,” Leah shook her head. “Seriously though, you like Karev? I mean, I get the attraction. Both Heather and I slept with him and it was fantastic, but you actually like him? As a person?”

“I know you guys probably think I’m crazy, but yeah I do. I know everyone sees him as this jerk who only cares about getting into someone else’s pants, but he’s different from what everyone thinks. When we hang out and drink beer at Joe’s or at his house, he’s different. He’s funny and kind and charming. You know he bought a couch so that I could crash if I’ve had too much to drink and can’t drive home? Douches don’t do that,” Jo released a breath and shrugged. “Also, you should see him with his patients. Kids can see right through people and they love him.”

“Jo Wilson, you are smitten,” Stephanie teased as a wide grin appeared on her face. 

“Why don’t you ask him out?” Heather suggested. “You’re both comfortable being alone together. But instead of it just being two friends hanging out, make it a date.”

“I don’t know,” Jo answered hesitantly. “I’m not even sure if he feels the same way. Besides, he’s my boss.”

“Oh screw it,” Leah rolled her eyes. “He’s so into you.”

“He’s definitely into you. Trust me, I know,” Shane looked over to the girls, shutting his locker and leaning against it.

“How do you know?” Jo raised an eyebrow. 

“I just do,” Shane crossed his arms. “I was sworn to secrecy, but all I’m going to say is that the attendings talk during surgery.”

“He talks about you!” Heather gasped. “As if the way he looks at you isn’t enough proof.”

“Oh yeah, any time you walk into a room his eyes follow you around with this awestruck glint in them,” Stephanie giggled. “Go for it, Jo.”

“I want to, but… I didn’t come here to get into a relationship or be tied down to someone. I have baggage that no one deserves to be burdened with, much less him,” Jo looked down sadly. “I’ve been burned in the past. I don’t want to open that possibility up again.”

Shane rolled his eyes, “That’s not an excuse to keep yourself from being happy.”

Sensing they were done talking—and feeling a hell of a lot of pride hearing that Jo was already interested in him so soon—Alex waited a couple seconds before popping his head into the locker room and scanning it for Jo, “Wilson! We’ve got surgery in 20. Let’s go!”

Jo’s eyes widened as she scrambled to grab her things. She did her best to ignore the stares and winks her friends were giving her as she followed Alex out the door. 

“Hey, how was your day off yesterday?” Alex asked as they stepped into the elevator. 

“It was nice. A little boring, but I slept past ten in the morning,” Jo grinned.

“Ah, you always did love to sleep in,” Alex muttered to himself.

“Huh?” 

“Nothing, just—I figured you’re one of those people who would rather sleep in,” Alex tried to save his little slip up. “I am, too.”

“You see that’s why we get along so well. I’d never be able to work with a morning person before nine in the morning because I think I’d punch them in the face,” Jo tilted her head in thought.

“You and me both,” Alex chuckled. “Pretty sure I yelled at Kepner one too many times during residency.”

“But she’s so nice,” Jo wrinkled her face in confusion.

“Exactly.”

Jo laughed in response, making Alex’s heart pick up a bit. He loved hearing her laugh. It was probably one of his favorite things about her. He remembered their wedding day and the way she laughed so brightly and contagiously when they realized that they had had sex in a shed with a corpse lying there. If there was one thing that Alex was determined to do this time around, was to replace all the times he’d made her cry to laughter. 

“So, what’s the surgery today?” Jo asked, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Oh, um we’re performing a splenectomy on eight year old, Jalen Brown. He’s got hemolytic anemia and needs his spleen removed,” Alex informed as they walked into the scrub room. “I’m gonna go talk to him before we start.” 

Alex walked into the OR and up to the operating table, smiling as he looked down at the kid laying on it, “Hey buddy. We’re going to do the surgery now. This doctor over here is going to give you some medicine that is going to help you sleep so that you won’t feel a thing. When you wake up, you’re gonna be a little sore, but that’s normal. You’ve got this, okay?”

“Okay, Dr. Alex,” Jalen nodded timidly. “Can you hold my hand while I go to sleep?”

“Sure, thing kiddo,” Alex grabbed one of Jalen’s hands and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Now, count backwards from ten for me.”

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…”

Nodding at the anesthesiologist, Alex walked back towards the scrub room where Jo was staring at him curiously. Alex raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Nothing,” Jo shook her head. “It’s just… you’re really great with kids.”

“Well, I’d hope so. My job kind of depends on it,” Alex flashed her a crooked grin. 

“Obviously,” Jo rolled her eyes and began to scrub. “What I mean is that you make them feel comfortable around you. That’s something I’ve noticed since we became friends. You make people feel safe.” 

Alex stared at Jo for a moment, pausing in his scrubbing. He was grateful that he’d already pulled his mask over his face so that she couldn’t see the look he was giving her. Because, that just might’ve been the highest compliment he could’ve received from Jo. He knew how significant it was that Jo already felt safe around him. There were very few people in this world that made her feel safe and secure, and at this point in her life, he was pretty sure that he was the only one on that list. The people on that list wouldn’t expand for a few more years. 

Alex’s face softened and all he could do was smile underneath his mask at the woman standing beside him, “Thanks.” 

They’d been in surgery for a little while already when one of the nurses answered a page, “Dr. Karev, you’re being paged to L&D for a pediatric patient who’s having a high risk baby. It’s urgent.”

“Crap,” Alex mumbled to himself. Today was the day that he and Jo would meet the girl who abandoned her baby in the hospital. Sighing, Alex looked over at Jo. “Can you check that out for me? I’ll be in there as soon as I can.”

“Yes. Of course,” Jo nodded and promptly stepped out away from the operating table and proceeded to scrub out. 

By the time Alex finished up with his surgery, Jo had paged him multiple times to hurry. He met Jo in the hallway as she ran with an incubator towards the NICU, “Newborn with a CDH. I intubated him but the SATs are still low.”

“It could be pulmonary hypertension,” Alex looked up at Jo as they continued to rush towards the NICU. “Have you ever hooked a baby up to ECMO before?”

“I never intubated a baby before five minutes ago,” Jo replied, eyes wide.

“Okay, we hook up catheters into his neck, pump his blood into the ECMO machine, which puts in oxygen and takes out carbon dioxide. Then it cycles it all back in,” Alex explained as they finally entered a procedure room. 

They set up everything quickly and Alex coached Jo through how to hook up with catheters and get the machine going, “You’re doing great. You isolated that jugular and carotid, avoided the vagus nerve, and now you need to put in a venous drainage cannula.”

Suddenly the machines started beeping. Jo looked up at them before frantically turning back to Alex, “I didn’t even—“

“Switch with me,” Alex traded places with Jo swiftly. “He’s coding. You need to do CPR while I hook him up to ECMO.”

“At the same time? How will that work?”

“You need to start compressions now,” Alex instructed and proceeded to hook the baby up to the machines. “Stop… Go… Stop… Go… Stop… Keep going…”

Some time passed when Jo finally spoke again, “How long have we been going?”

“Twenty minutes.”

Seconds later, Arizona walked into the procedure room, “Hey. I heard you had a crash ECMO. You need my help? You want me to take over?”

Alex smiled to himself slightly. He kept forgetting that he was only supposed to be a fellow that was still learning certain surgical procedures, “No. I’m just connecting the circuit… okay. Initiate bypass.” Alex held his breath for a moment and then released it. “We did it. Son of a bitch.”

“It seems like only yesterday I was showing you how to do your first pulmonary hypoplasia,” Arizona smiled. “I hope you’re taking notes, Wilson. He’s one of the good ones.” 

Jo looked back and forth between Arizona and Alex before letting out a breath, “So, what’s next?”

“Well, now that he’s hooked up to ECMO, the baby has to be monitored 24/7. We have a long day and a long night,” Alex looked up from what he was doing to make eye contact with Jo. “You might want to go grab a power nap, princess.” 

“Ugh, really Alex? Again with the whole princess thing?” Jo rolled her eyes. “I thought we agreed to forget about that.”

“Hey, I wasn’t the one who said it. It was little Briana Ewell who said you looked exactly like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I just so happened to agree,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t know why you’re so hung up on it. Most people would take that as a compliment.”

“It’s embarrassing,” Jo explained with wide eyes. “I don’t need people thinking I got to where I am today because I’m pretty and it was handed to me or that I slept my way to the top. I worked hard to get here.” 

“No one ever said you didn’t,” Alex paused. “But for the record, if anyone ever does, tell them to come find me and I’ll set the record straight.” 

“Oh, no way,” Jo laughed. “We do not need you doing something stupid like going and ‘protecting my honor’ or whatever.” 

“Just go take a nap.” 

***

“You sure you’re not asleep with your eyes open? You’ve been staring at that kid for an hour.” 

“She didn’t even want to see him. She cared more about her best friend’s stupid pizza party than seeing her child,” Jo’s face wrinkled in disbelief. In the before, Alex had made some insensitive comments about how she couldn’t possibly relate to the young girl’s story. This time instead of interrupting, he allowed her to continue. “I just… I don’t understand how you could care about a party more than the baby you’ve grown to know and love for the past nine months. How could you not want to see that baby and hold it and love it? A baby who has no fault in the decisions you made that led you here. Why bring that baby into the world in the first place if you don’t even care enough to sit by it’s bedside when it needs you the most.” 

Alex stood there in silence, unknowing what to say. This definitely had not happened last time. In the before, Jo hardly ever expressed her feelings about being abandoned by her mother until after she’d met her. These feelings though, made it clear to him that Jo had been contemplating whether she was worthy of existing long before finding out about how she was conceived. 

Sensing Alex’s surprise at her small outburst, Jo reached a hand out to touch the baby’s hand, “I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine what could be more important than your kid. If my baby were in the NICU, I would never leave it’s side. Not for a single moment.” 

“It sounds like there’s a story there,” Alex raised his eyebrows slightly. “If you ever feel like sharing it, you can trust me.” 

Jo took a deep breath, “I had a crappy childhood.”

“Me too,” Alex confided. He didn’t want to push her, but he knew that she might feel more compelled to open up if he shared first. “My dad was an abusive junkie and my mom was schizophrenic. So, when I was a kid, I became the parent to my younger siblings. I got them ready for school and made them food and helped with homework. I ran interference for my parents, I kept everyone safe, I took the beatings my mom and siblings were supposed to get. I even stole cars and food to make sure my siblings were taken care of. Someone must’ve reported it, because one day these people showed up and took us away for a few years. We got separated and I ended up with a whole bunch of foster parents who didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. Then at some point, I ended up in juvie. It’s a miracle I am the man I am today. Sure, I’ve got my flaws, but I never would’ve thought I’d become this.” 

“My mother left me at a fire station when I was two weeks old,” Jo started quietly and watched as the small child wrapped his tiny hand around her finger. “I got bumped around foster homes until I was sixteen when I took matters into my own hands and started living out of a car. I parked it behind the gym of my high school so I could sneak in and use the showers before class. My home ec teacher--Ms. Schmidt--she’d let me do my laundry there for free.” Jo laughed slightly. “Everyone asks me how I got into Princeton and Harvard while living in a car. They’d say mean things and start rumors that I’d slept with the admissions staff to gain entrance into their programs. But I got into good schools because I worked my ass off. And when I walked across that stage at graduation, I didn’t have a cheering section filled with family. I had one person, Ms. Schmidt.” 

Jo felt a tear run down her cheek and swiped at it quickly, “This little guy here just came into the world a few hours ago and he’s sick. All he needs is his mother. But she’s too busy talking to her best friend about pizza and cupcakes to even hold his hand. He didn’t do anything to deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to feel alone.”

“He isn’t alone,” Alex shook his head and reached over to squeeze Jo’s free hand. “He has you and me and the nurses. Who knows? Maybe he’ll be okay. But for now, we just got to make sure he’s strong and well-taken care of, okay?”

“Okay.”

***

It was alright for the most part. The little guy pulled through the night and was doing okay. Not that Alex doubted he would pull through. After all, the kid lived in his past life, so he figured that he’d make it this time around too. What wasn’t alright was that today was the day that this girl would abandon her baby with the help of her mother.

It was happening right now actually. As Alex was walking down the corridor, he could hear Jo’s voice rise in volume, “Woah, woah, hey! Hang on. You can’t just leave. You have a baby. She has a baby upstairs. He’s one day old.”

“Yeah,” the girl replied. “And he’s all messed up.”

“So you’re just gonna... You can’t--you can’t abandon him! No! You can’t! No!” Jo placed herself in between the elevator doors, blocking their exit. “No!”

“Let me on,” the girl’s mother frowned. 

“No!”

“You don’t wanna mess with me,” the woman growled.

“You don’t wanna mess with me,” Jo countered. The woman grabbed Jo by her scrubs, causing Jo to react and push her against the elevator. “No, stop. You can’t abandon that baby! You can’t do that!”

“Get off me!”

“No!” Jo shouted. 

“Let her go,” the teen girl trying to get in between Jo and her mother. 

“No!”

“Hey! Let ‘em go,” Alex came and pulled Jo off of the woman. “Let them go.”

Jo turned and glared at Alex angrily as the elevator doors closed, allowing the two women to escape. Seething with anger, Jo yanked herself out of Alex’s grasp and ran down the hall. 

Knowing that she would need a few minutes to calm down, Alex waited before going to look for her where he knew she’d be. He found her lying on a gurney in the tunnels he’d introduced her to a few weeks ago. It became their spot where they’d go to meet up and talk, hang out, or have lunch together.” 

“Look, I know this hit home for you and it sucks, but you can’t go around assaulting patients.”

Jo let out a sharp breath, “She was abandoning her baby.”

“I know,” Alex jumped up onto the gurney and motioned for her to scoot over so he could lie down next to her. He laid on his back and grabbed one of her hands, making comfortable circles on the back of her hand. 

“I’m just… I’m so angry,” Jo sobbed, the tears finally winning. “How can she not love him? I loved my baby so much even though I only knew about him for a couple weeks.” 

“Wait what?” Alex was confused. In all the time he’d been with Jo (both past and current timeline Jo), he’d never heard anything about a baby. “You had a baby?”

“No, well yes, but no,” Jo shook her head, tears still running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m not making any sense, right?” Jo paused, unsure if she should share this part of her story. She was nervous. What she was about to tell Alex, she’d never mentioned to a single soul before. “Years ago, I was pregnant. But the father wasn’t a good guy. I wanted to keep the baby, but it became more and more clear that if I did, it would never be safe. My life was too complicated and dangerous to raise a child. So, I went to a clinic all by myself and had an abortion. And I cried the whole time, because I had started picturing all of these wonderful things about what my baby would look like and be like. I fell in love with my baby. I wanted my baby. I loved my baby. But my greatest act of love was ensuring that it would never have to go through what I went through. I was a mom to that baby for less than five weeks and I loved it more than this girl ever loved her baby... I’ve never told anyone that before.”

Alex laid there in silence for a moment. He was surprised that Jo mentioned this experience she had, especially when she still hadn't brought up Paul yet and it was so early on in their friendship. The Jo from the before had always been very reserved when it came to sharing about her experiences with Paul. She continually attempted to pretend like it never happened rather than face it fully. She’d been through hell and it was understandable. So, hearing that Jo had had to have an abortion back while in her abusive marriage made Alex want to cry. 

He reached to wrap his arm around Jo’s shoulder and pulled her close, placing a light kiss on her forehead, “Jo. You have one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. Despite everything you went through, you became kind and strong and loving. I know this hurts and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. But I promise, this baby will not be like you. We will get him into the database and we’ll get a social worker down here and we will make sure this kid gets a good home.” 

“You promise?”

“Yeah I promise.”

***

“Hey Alex!” Jo called out as she made her way to the parking lot. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Alex asked. 

“Nothing’s up… I just, I wanted to say thank you earlier today. That case was extremely difficult for me, but you helped me be okay. So, thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” Alex cracked a small smile. “I told you it would work out. Those parents fell in love with him. He’s going to be okay and live a very happy, full life.”

“Yeah,” Jo sighed slightly. “I guess you were right. I’m glad that he’s got people.”

“So do you,” Alex took one of Jo’s hands in his own. “You’ve got to stop acting like you don’t have people. You’ve got people. You’ve got me. Don’t forget that.”

And although she’d been told those words in the past, for the first time in her life, she believed them.

[feverinfeveroutfic]

chapter eighteen: narcissus staring at his reflection

Another few weeks and another few weeks worth of having her ears blown out by the sheer amount of shows that took place before her, and Sam truly felt herself to be part of the music world as well as the art world. Every night, all the way until the final date in San Antonio, about a week before they had to prepare for the flight up to Oulu, in Finland, Charlie asked her to make a little sketch for him before he went up to the stage as sort of a good luck charm. He lent her a little blank notepad which he had found from the glove box in Anthrax's van, and he always made it specific, as well: they had to be in a sketchy style with strictly a black ink pen.

“Why exactly that?” she asked him one evening while the Cherry Suicides were setting up for their opening gig, and he gestured for her to move in closer to him.

“A little bird told me that Louie got one before I did,” he replied in a low voice.

“Zelda!” she hissed.

“Nah, not Zelda,” he assured her. “I did see it in the front window of Testament's van, though.”

“Oh, I see. Propped it up within their sight so everyone could see it.”

“Exactly! I'll get you more paper, too.”

“Yeah, I'm kind of starting to run low on this notebook paper, if I'm honest.”

But nevertheless, she sprung right to it: a little scratchy drawing of Charlie upon the lined paper, complete with the black curls all around his head. Sometimes, she drew a little drum kit before him to make it look as though it was in fact Charlie there: this was one of those times. Within a few minutes flat, she finished it and signed her initials at the bottom of the page, and then she handed it to him for good luck.

“You ought to compile all of those together in a collection of sorts,” she suggested.

“Like a little book!” He then snapped his fingers; from underneath his bangs, Sam made out the twinkle in his dark eyes. “There's an idea for you.”

“An art book?”

“Yeah! Something to do some day when you're out of school and you've made it big at some point.” He flicked his bangs back and he flashed her a little wink.

“Not soon? While you guys are over in Scandinavia with the girls and with Metal Church?”

“Nah, it'll take too much of your time, if I'm honest. Even I can tell you that. By the way—you heard this from me—” He glanced around him before he returned to her. “—we're gonna be with Ozzy, too.”

“No way!” Her face lit up at the sound of that.

“Yes way! But—” He leaned in closer to her again and he lowered his voice a bit. “—please don't tell Zelda, though. Scott and I want it to be a surprise for her. We got her and Minerva both into Ozzy and Randy Rhoads shortly after the announcement was made that we would be going to Finland. As far as the two of them know, it's just gonna be us with them and Metal Church.”

“Okay—” Sam was cut off by Frank and Dan skirting past her with their guitars in hand. She then glanced down at the notepad in her hands: two pages left, and of course not nearly enough to tithe her over until they left for England at the end of August.

“Also, Zelda wants to talk to you,” Charlie picked up again, that time with a slight clearing of his throat.

“About what?” she asked him.

He shook his head. “Dunno,” he confessed. “She just told me earlier over breakfast that she wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Well, where is she?” Sam wondered about that especially since she had bunked with the Cherry Suicides every night on this stint of the tour. She could have easily spoken to her about it at some point during one of those nights.

“She and Morgan are both signing autographs right now, believe it or not. I guess those girls are getting quite the fan base now. You know it's only a matter of time before they go Testament's route and start their own fan club. Morgan and I were talking about that just this morning over breakfast and I was like 'yes! You totally should at some point. Eric'll probably help you out with that, too, because he's the driving force behind that.'”

“What they get for thrashing all around,” Sam chuckled.

“Right! In fact, I've been seeing a lot more women in our crowds now because of them. Definitely more of the punky type of women given their music—lots of dyed mohawks and black leather and studs, but women nonetheless. From a mile away, I can tell they're all women. Not only do I have to owe it to the four of them, but I want to hand it to you and—” He cleared his throat. “—Marla and Belinda especially. Our first real big female fans.” Without a moment's hesitation, he put his arms around her and Sam returned the favor.

She then tucked the notepad into her pocket and before she could step away, Charlie spoke again.

“Did—Marla move into her new place by chance? I know it's been a while. I'm just—you know, just kinda curious.”

“I think she did?” Sam recalled: every night seemed to melt into itself, despite the new surroundings each and every time. “I'll have to ask her when I see her tonight, because I'm not too sure if I'm honest. I called her from the room last night and she told me that she's waiting for a direct deposit from me. And I promised her I'll get it once you guys run off to Finland, 'cause that's when I get the money from Jon.”

“I see. You know, I, um—” He cleared his throat again. “I still think about her from time to time.”

Sam squinted her eyes at him, and she flashed back on the night in which Marla came with her and Joey to her parents' house.

“She told me—you guys broke up because you have feelings about someone else.”

“And I do,” he answered, frank.

“Do you mind me asking?” She lowered her voice enough to where only he could hear her over the commotion around them. He nibbled on his bottom lip and he gazed off to the side.

“I won't tell anyone,” she vowed. “I promise. I'm not like Belinda—I'll keep a secret.”

He chuckled at that, but then his expression turned serious once again.

“Rosita,” he replied through gritted teeth.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He nodded at her. “She's just—she's a babe. She rocks, too. Just the way she plays bass, man, it just—it kind of reminds me of the way Frankie plays bass and the way Cliff used to play bass, too.”

Her heart skpped a few beats at the sound of Cliff's name.

“Real friendly and just—” He shook his head again. “I've tried to ask her out but I just never got the courage to do so yet.”

“You ought to,” Sam told him. “Cliff did and we just clicked from that point on. For all you know, she might be the one for you.”

Charlie sighed through his nose and he nibbled on his bottom lip again.

“It's a long flight up to Helsinki from here,” he said. “That's a long time to think of the right words. I just don't really like being put on the spot like that. When I asked Marla out, she and I were all alone. It's just—finding that solitary moment, you know?”

“Yeah. 'Cause we're surrounded by people constantly.”

“Right. Exactly, yeah! I can always pull her aside—like when people are getting off of the plane. I'll ask her right there.”

“You should.”

“I don't wanna make any promises, though, 'cause something always come up. Things always come up, especially while on tour.”

“Right...”

“But I'll give it a shot, though,” he told her. “That's the only promise I can genuinely make is that.” He sighed through his nose and he glanced down to his hands. “And thank you for this, by the way.” He flashed the little sketch to her.

“Just—an artist to another artist.”

“Exactly!” Charlie peered over his shoulder to the other side of the room to the front doors and he knitted his eyebrows together. “Time is it?”

“I think it's almost noon?”

“I think Zelda might be on break. Why don't you go talk to her?”

Sam then nodded her head and once she tucked the notepad into her purse, she ambled over to the stairs at the edge of the stage; she padded across the narrow strip of carpet before the stage and then she made her way up one of the two aisles that split the rows of seats into neat thirds. She reached the double doors at the top there and she pushed open the one on the right: indeed, right in the front lobby of the theater was Zelda and Morgan seated at a low white table with felt tip pens in hand. The former had combed her back into a slick pompadour upon her head while the latter had on a bright red cowgirl hat and red lace gloves on her hands, complete with a red and black lace brassiere under a red lace bolero.

Zelda then turned her head and her face lit up at the sight of Sam.

“Hey, there she is!” she declared. “We were just discussing special outfits for tonight's show, given we're in Texas and whatnot.”

“Kinda makes me wish I had my black hat with me,” Sam confessed with a pat of her own head.

“We could be dead cowgirls,” Morgan said with a smirk on her face. “With nooses around our necks and splatters all over our hats.”

“Dead punk cowgirls,” Zelda corrected her with a nod. She then returned to Sam. “So what's up?”

“You wanted to talk to me about something?”

She hesitated and then she gasped and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, that!” Her expression then turned serious. “Been meaning to tell you this for a couple of days now, and it just keeps slipping from memory. Just because I have other, important things to worry about and remember.”

Sam lingered next to her, and the edge of the table.

“Another reason to be nicer to Alex the next time you see him,” Zelda started again as she held the pen in between two fingers.

“What's that?” Sam asked her, and she hesitated once more.

“Do you ever notice how bullies tend to travel in packs,” she pointed out, and Sam stopped right in her tracks.

“What do you mean?”

“They travel in packs and the ones getting picked on are usually solitary.” She turned to Morgan. “Wouldn't you agree, Mo? That bullies travel in packs and their prey often stands alone?”

“Oh, yeah. And it's always a sign of vulnerability, too. They won't admit it, though. But why do you think—cowgirls—punks—metalheads—all travel in packs? Same mindset. Bullies have a similar mindset, but they refuse to admit it.”

Sam frowned at that as Zelda returned her attention to her.

“They travel in packs because they know they're weak on their own. So—my suggestion, Sam.” Zelda twirled the pen in between her fingers. “The next time you see him, like when we're out in California when we get home from Finland—talk to him. And really talk to him, too. That boy deserves it. He just looks—lonely to me. I don't really know his full story, other than what Louie, Zetro, and Greg have all told me about him, but I feel like he's an easy target. So—the little blow up you guys had makes me wonder if he sees you in a shitty light, and I know you're not like that at all. But he needs to know that. He needs to know that you're of good stature. I know it's gonna be hard, given he's so hard himself but—he's still just a young buck, though. We've met a few teenagers signing autographs in here—and it's just so cool to see. These young girls—a lot of boys, too—”

“The girls come for the music, the boys come for something else,” Morgan joked.

“Right!” Zelda burst out laughing, and then she straightened herself out. “But—we've been seeing these kids coming through here in Texas—and there were those kids in Portland, too. And I think it was that bunch—in Tacoma and also in Portland, that got me thinking about Alex again, because he's still just a kid and we haven't seen him in a few weeks 'cause they're with Overkill right now. And I just think—he's legally an adult, but he's still just a boy, though. So—try to talk to him if you can. Let him know that he belongs with the whole gang and everything.”

“It's a little bit hard for us,” Morgan filled in, “because we're punks. We're a punk band. A punk band opening for a metal band, so it just feels a little weird with us and whatnot.”

“But we think that,” Zelda continued, “—since you and him actually have a little bit of history with Cliff especially—you could do it better with him than any of us can.”

“Why us, though? Don't you think one of the guys from Testament could try and talk with him?”

“Because they're dudes,” Zelda replied with a flutter of her eyelashes, “they're not good with feelings like us. I actually tried doing that with Louie once and he was struggling with it, I could tell. One of the things that drove me nuts about him was how it almost felt like I couldn't talk to him about anything on an emotional level.”

Sam thought about that night in Boston, where Louie confessed that Zelda was his affair, and she tightened her lips at the very thought of that. Yet another secret to keep under wraps.

“Anyways—if you could do that, he could probably be a little more—present, I'd say? I was actually talking to Louie just last night and I guess they've been struggling lately.”

“Why's that?” Sam asked her.

“I guess they've been kicking serious ass with the music lately but—they're sorta lacking with the presence. Alex moves around a little bit but he's like stilted, though.”

“They're getting accused of being too much like Metallica, too,” Morgan added.

“Yeah, that's another thing! Chuck apparently sounds way too much like James which is horse shit to me. There's a little parallel there given they're all from the San Francisco Bay Area, but I don't really see it to be honest.”

A knock on the glass door to up the lobby from them caught their attention. Sam recognized that head of fiery red hair in the midday sun outside as she peered in through the smoked glass pane. Fiery dyed red hair coupled with large brown sunglasses, a white camisole over a matching long skirt, and a big shabby hand bag.

“Hey, it's Marla!” Sam called out; she padded over to the doors but before she reached Marla there, she returned to Zelda and wagged a finger at her.

“I'll remember that,” she vowed, and Zelda nodded her head at her. Sam then opened the door and she was greeted by a blast of hot humid air in stark contrast to the air conditioner around her.

“Hey, you!” Marla greeted her and she stepped inside the lobby and shut the door behind her.

“I was wondering when you'd get here,” Sam replied and they embraced one another.

“So Bel and Aurora helped me move my things into the new place in Hell's Kitchen,” Marla started again as she took off her sunglasses, “I just need the other side of the first month's rent and the deposit, too.”

“Well, this is the last date of the tour before they—” Sam gestured back to Zelda and Morgan at the table. “—head up to Helsinki next week. That's when I get paid.”

“Okay, good!” Marla then reached into her hand bag for something and she took out her big Polaroid camera.

“Hey, I remember that.”

“Oh, yeah, we got together at L'Amour—many moons ago, and you made that drawing of me and Charlie. And you used that Polaroid, too. I decided, eh, why not have it again?”

She turned back to Sam again.

“You wanna get something to drink? I'm like dying of thirst right now.”

“I'd love to.”

“You ladies wanna join us?” Marla called to Zelda and Morgan.

“We're shooting the rock star bullshit and signing autographs,” Zelda replied. “We should be seeing more people coming through here in about ten minutes.”

“Yeah, I saw a bunch of people standing out in the shade around the corner here. I thought maybe they showed up early for will call.”

“Nah, it's for them,” Sam told her. “They're actually starting to make serious headway in the music world now.”

“Right on! Anyways, there's a juice bar right up the street here. We can sit in the shade, too, and I just heard that we're not too far from the River Walk and the Alamo, either.”

“So you can literally call me Sam Houston now!”

Zelda and Morgan laughed out loud at that.

“Right!” Marla chuckled. “But anyways, it's actually not bad out—it's just the sun is hotter than holy fuck is all.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Sam returned to Zelda and Morgan. “I'll see you girls later—”

The two of them stepped outside to the sun as it hung high in the clear blue sky over their heads. Indeed, it wasn't that hot out, but the contrast of the air conditioner and the sunlight on their heads and the sidewalk around them made Sam wish for one of those large oak trees to cover their heads all the way up the block to the corner.

“So we've got a nice view of the water,” Marla told her.

“And it's close to school, too, I remember you telling me that.”

“Yeah, it is! No more taking the stinkin' subways so much. And by the way, Bel told me to tell you that, yes—we will help you. We kinda have to help you.”

“I moved cross country,” Sam recalled, “with the help of my parents, and almost by sheer luck, I met Frankie and Joey, but yeah—I could definitely use a little help.”

They reached the juice bar in question and Sam took to the table right before the front door, right underneath an oak tree and a pair of short stubby palmetto trees, and she set her purse down before her. Marla offered to buy up for her given she hadn't a lot of money on her at the moment.

“I'm just gonna use the bathroom real quick, though,” she told her as she set her purse down on the table before her. Sam nodded her head as she watched Marla head inside of there: that cherry red hair as bright as the very sun itself. Sam gave her hair a toss back and a light breeze came up from behind her. Still not enough to beat the intense summer sun, and she reached into her purse for a ponytail holder.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something by the corner to her left. As she tied up her hair, she looked over and spotted Joey at the corner of the building. He was looking at something, but she couldn't tell as to what he looked at there.

She set her hands down on her lap and she watched him. He stood before the glass and he leaned back a bit. He was looking at his own reflection.

She had an idea.

That in and of itself could act as her newest painting, and she would put more thought into it this time around. She knew he would move at some point. He turned his back to her right then. She had nothing with her but the little notepad and the ink pen in her purse.

But then again, Marla's camera stood right there on the table next to her. Without a second thought, she picked up the camera and she pointed it in Joey's direction. All the times she thought of making a stained glass window about his likeness.

Slim and delicate, almost elegant in fact. The black curls sprawled down his back towards his thin waist. The white shirt he wore only accentuated the thinness of his body and the richness of his curls.

She took out the camera and she took the cover off of the lens. She peered in through the aperture and there he was, right within her line of sight.

“C'mon, Joey, turn to the side again,” she muttered to herself; she rested her finger on the bottom on top. For a second, she felt like a genuine photographer. “The other side. C'mon, Marla's gonna be back soon.”

Like magic, he turned to the right side. She pressed the button and the flash dissipated with the midday sun so he couldn't see it. The camera spat out the Polaroid and she took it before anyone could see it for themselves. She waved it about so the ink would settle in on the paper.

His slim body was as flat as a washboard, and his curls sprawled down towards his waist like tentacles. He had slightly bent his legs at the knees all the while, but she knew she had the perfect subject to work with no one was looking. The decision now was between acrylic paints on canvas once again, or to go forth with the stained glass idea. If she carried out the latter, she would have to take a better shot of him, or he would have to sit still for her again, and she had no idea as to when he would do that again for her.

But she chuckled to herself as she looked on at the photograph in hand. She glanced up and she recognized Marla's head of cherry red hair on the other side of the glass, thus she quickly slipped the camera back into Marla's hand bag and she stashed the Polaroid into her own. Joey then strode away from the glass reflection and towards the front door of the juice bar for himself.

Some day, she would carry out that stained glass idea with him. It was a matter of when and how. Add to this, as she peered into her purse once again, she spotted that little plastic bag at the bottom there. A little more inspiration was all she needed, courtesy of Joey himself. But she had no lighter to do that just yet.

She took another glimpse up to the front door of the bar, and Joey had made his way inside; Marla then doubled back outside, right past him and towards the table once again. She squinted her eyes against the hot summer sun.

“So they've got all manner of smoothies and good stuff for us.”

“I'll take blueberry if they have it,” Sam told her.

“The special for today is blueberry pomegranate.”

“I'll have that then!”

Marla opened her bag for her wallet and frowned at what she saw before her.

“What happened here?” she wondered aloud.

“What do you mean?”

She picked up her camera and she delved about the bottom of the hand bag for something.

“The cover came off of the lens.” And Sam shook her head at that given she merely tossed the lid in there. Marla stuck the cover back on and then she returned for her wallet.

“It is getting kind of long in tooth, though. I've had it a long time... anyways, I'll be right back. And Joey's in there, by the way!”

“Oh, boy!” Sam felt her face grow warm at the sound of that, and Marla returned to the front door once again. The sight of Marla putting the cover back onto the lens made her think of Zelda's words to her. She could keep a secret, and yet she needed to heed by that promise as well. She reached into her purse again, and that time for the notepad and the pen.

The last night of the North American stint for the time being and she could fill in the next two pages there with some other things. She lifted the penultimate page and then she set the pad down on the table before her.

“'Talk to Alex,'” she muttered to herself as she wrote the words down on that final page of the notepad. Now she had something else to live to, especially since Marla knew nothing about what had happened that morning in her own city.

[metanoiamorii]

❛A DEVIL'S FINEST TRICK IS TO PERSUADE YOU THAT HE DOES NOT EXIST.❜

Dámianus took in a breath when he heard the familiar, annoying footsteps stomping forward. With haste, came the familiar, annoying voice. "Can you believe it?!"

Breathing in, it took his full strength to keep a leveled tone, not show his annoyance. "Believe what?"

His brother scowled, as if he was the idiot present. "They failed!"

"Pity." Was all Dámianus could think to say. He had to hide his smile upon hearing the news. He had an act to keep. "They must have not followed the plan, I did give them detailed instructions after all."

"How are you so apathetic?!" Makjo scoffed, eyes rolling. "That's our father—"

"Your father." Dámianus corrected. "You are his son, I am his errand boy."

"Oh wow, its a misery you proved yourself capable and he saw your potential!" Makjo mockingly threw back, going as far to make a fake, crying gesture to accompany his words.

Dámianus, however, quick to smile, tilted his head to the side. "Oh, does that mean he saw no potential in you?"

It was worth it, to watch the brat's features scrunch and his face to go red. A finger raised, and going to bite back. "You—"

Already walking off, Dámianus tucked the parchment beneath his arm. "I suppose I will go meet with our allies and see what went wrong." Casually he spoke, striding forward, leaning down, pecking his brother's cheek, and using the opportunity to quietly whisper, "Don't grow too comfortable. Many people will come for your crown." Before Makjo could reply, he had already taken his leave, to find better company he could tolerate.

At least the brat was an idiot. He had yet to see through everything. He had slipped up with their father, the bastard caught on at the last second. He barely corrected that.. But he had no doubt with Makjo, the brat would never see anything coming... still. He needed to be more careful if all were to be successful.

♧ Chosen Name: Dámianus D'truiryxr

♧ Aliases:

• Dame

• Dami

• Damocles Aliah Teivel; his human guise

• Your Glorious Insane Highness

• Ali; reserved for his nanny alone

• Funny Monkey Man; reserved for his partner

• Lord Teivel

• Princeling

♧ Known as:

• The Angel Of Darkness

• The Mad One of The Void

• The Mad Trickster

• The Mad One

• The Trickster of Madness

• The Bane of All

• The Lord of the Citadel of Madness

♧ Gender: Agender

♧ Preferred Pronouns: He/They

♧ Race: Old One

♧ Sexuality: Grey-Asexual; Aromantic

♧ Ethnicity: Will appear Kiyese in a human guise

♧ Height: 7'02 in his true appearance; 6'03.5 in a human appearance

♧ Age Appearance: In a human guise he appears in his late thirties, early forties.

♧ True Appearance: Dámianus is said to take after his mother more than his father. From his father he inherited the smooth rounded ears and slim, nearly hairless tail with a tuft of black fur at the tip. As the natural red eyes he possesses. He's rather slim, but tall, with pale skin. He possesses a set of dark wings that tend to drag behind him and are rarely used. For the most part, humanoid.

♧ Human Appearance: For the life of me, I cannot find out their name, so if anyone knows it please tell me.

♧ Key Personality Traits: Manipulative, Cunning, Brilliant, Quick-witted, Vengeful, Well Mannered

♧ Alignment: Lawful Evil

♧ Parents:

• Rihtyxr, father

• Unknown mother

♧ Siblings:

•  Hinvyka, brother

• Kysia, sibling

• Tysie, sister

• Nevzan, brother

• Makjo, brother [deceased]

• Mal'rybos, brother

• Slyra, brother [deceased]

• A several hundred other siblings

♧ Partner(s):

• Misam

♧ Other Blood Relations:

• Tyronjis, uncle

• Kaiuroga, aunt

• Arz-Ler'erso, uncle

• Trik'Rjrkite, uncle

• Au-Zaiur'hka, aunt

• Rons'ta, uncle

• Gazini, cousin

• Ao-Ao, cousin

• Eoau, cousin

• Ny'jsetti, cousin

• Jitka Shirin, nanny, sister and maternal figure

♧ Allies:

• Isfétte

• Jitka Shirin

• Kregznic

• Marzomme

• E'aligesri

• Rohabizal

• Ao-Ao

• Eoau

• Gazini

• Jinx

• Ianira

• Misam

• Mehpijka'om

• Eskrja

• Grumpy

• A few hundred others I haven't fleshed out

♧ Enemies:

• Rons'ta

• Tyronjis

• Kaiuroga

• Arz-Ler'erso

• Trik'Rjrkite

• Au-Zaiur'hka

• Rihtyxr

♧ Brief Backstory:

The eldest of Rihtyxr's hundreds of children, Dámianus always served closer as an errand boy than a son. He grew up fast, without the choice of a childhood, to take care of his siblings. Early on, he accepted his role in the family and gracefully handled the responsibilities thrusted onto him. The older— maturer— he became, the more he would distant himself form his family and those family ties. He treated his family like colleagues and allies and not a family.

Only by the influence of Jitka and Isfétte would Dámianus finally accept his gifts and natural talent as a mastermind, and one manipulative son of a bitch. With their assistance and guidance, he would hone his talent to have power over them. When he finally held a strong belief in himself, he set himself to the task of consuming power. Slowly, he turned the allies of his family against them, buying their loyalty to serve him.

With the dependence the family held on him to make their plans and ensure their survival, he was able to trick them. He fooled them into going to war with Khaalida, and trapped them under her watch. The power vacuum was his for the taking... But he decided to play the long game. He allowed his siblings to fight for the power, and he accompanied his cousin— G'javinizia — on his travels across the multi-verse for a time. To further his own knowledge and powers.

When he finally became confident in himself once more, he returned. He got his old allies in line and began to form new ones. And soon, he finally began to get involved in the affair of Viogia to plant his influence. When his influence was sewn deep, Dámianus created his human guise and entered, to act first hand and began inacting the plans he had started so long ago.

♧ Weapon of Choice:

• Roibac'da, The Whip of Insanity

• Tac'bet, a sentient chain

• A set of chained gloves

• His signature cloak

• His sword collection

• A treasured fan he's gifted to his partner

♧ Classification: Trickster

♧ Power Domain: Madness, Trickery, Illusion, Psychic, Enchantment, Time, Wishes

♧ Playlist:

• Burn, Beth Crowley

• Where The Lonely Ones Roam, Digital Daggers

• Coming Home, Avenged Sevenfold

• Feeling Good, Michael Buble

• Broken Crown, Mumford and Sons

• Leader of the Broken Hearts, Papa Roach

• Centuries, Fall Out Boys

• Everyone Wants To Rule The World, Future Royalty

• When You're Evil, Voltaire

• You're Gonna Go Far Kid, The Offspring

• Hard To Kill, Beth Crowley

• Trouble, Valerie Broussard

• You Can Run, Adam Jones

• The Dark Ones, Karliene

• Keep You Safe, Crane Wives

• She Lit A Fire, Lord Huron

• Control, Halsey

• Castle, Halsey

• Monster, Imagine Dragons

• When The Day Comes, Nico and Vinz

• Last One Standing, Simple Plan

• Soldier's Dance, Adrisaurus

• Final Warning, Skylar Grey

• Angel of Darkness, Alex C

• Meet Me On The Battlefield, SVRCINA

• Night Of The Hunter, 30 Seconds To Mar

• Bad Man, King 810

• Throne, Bring Me The Horizon

• I'd Love To Change The World, King 810

♧ Current Wip: Coming Home [CH], The Legacy of Vires Ius [TSOVI], Mercy No More [MNO], A Rope In Hand [ARIH]; he's likely to appear in all of my wips in Viogia as a source of problem starter.

COMING HOME:

THE LEGACY OF VIRES IUS:

A ROPE IN HAND:

GENERAL:

ON ALL:

♧ Some fun facts!

• He has a pet cat named Grumpy, it's based off a displacer beast!

• He takes a shot of whiskey every time one of his idiots does something stupid.

• He's a man that just wants a vacation at this point, somewhere nice and quiet, a distant beach, without responsibilities.

• He says he doesn't like children, but if given the opportunity he'd probably adopt an entire orphanage or seventy.

• The only people he will possibly listen to, to get him to back down from doing something, is Jitka and Isfétte.

• He knows how to hold a grudge. It doesn't matter how many years it takes, he'll get payback... In an extreme fashion that is probably unwarranted in that degree.

• Given the chance, he would kill 96% of his siblings and family...

• Although he's the source of major chaos in the universe, he cares deeply for order and rules.

• In public he will dress in tailcoats, but as long as he's home he prefers to wear a variety of kimonos.

• The only way you can upset him is by: mentioning Rons'ta in his presence, favoring his siblings in his presence, dissing his nanny, being disrespectful towards women when he's around, hurting and/or belittling children and animals in his presence. And then, and only then, he'll kill you without remorse!

[nepar]

Mer,

This is not the way I wanted to do this. I'm leaving Grey Sloan. I already left actually. I'm gone. This is not the way I wanted to do this, but you know me. Any chance to take the easy way out. Or maybe that used to be true. I don't know. What I do know is I owe you the truth, and I don't know how else to tell you. But you know as well as I do if I showed up on your doorstep, you'd yell or give me guilt or cap or whatever you do that seems to always set me straight. You we're always the one to set me straight... to point out when I was being an ass. And when that didn't work, you'd flop in my bed and say the one perfect thing that would make sense.

But the thing is, I can't come back. I can't face you. I deserve the guilt and to be called an ass, but I don't want to be set straight. I don't want you to say the right thing because the one perfect thing isn't in Seattle. Not anymore. But I swear, it's not about work or you or Jo. It's about me. I left. And I'm with Izzie. This is probably the part where you're gonna get on your phone and call a million times and leave hateful messages on my machine till I call you back. But I can't, Mer. I can't lie to you, and I can't promise I'm gonna come home because it's not home anymore.

When you were in danger of losing your license, when I called everyone to write letters and show up on your behalf, called Izzie, too. I want to say I hoped she wouldn't answer, but the truth is I hoped she would. I want to say," I had to call her for you," but that would be a lie. The truth is your trial gave me an excuse good enough to call her. 'Cause I wanted to know where she landed. I wanted to know if she was alive and well. I wanted to hear her voice. When she picked up, blurted out the whole thing about you picking up trash off the street and needing a letter that proved you're better than that. And she laughed and said, "Of course she'd be trash-picking, trying to save the world."

And then these voices were in the background and a girl was singing a song about "greasy, grimy gopher guts" that I learned in first grade and I started laughing and I asked if she had kids and.. Izzie got quiet. For so long, she was quiet, and finally, she said, "Yeah, I have kids." "Twins." And it turns out they're my kids, Mer. Izzie's and my kids. She had our kids.

I love Jo. Deeply. Still. I think I always will. And if was just about two women I love, I'd choose my wife. You know I would. But is not just her, Izzie made our kids. She was single and wanted children and couldn't have them because the cancer nuked her eggs. But she had our embryos.

Back then I was too freaked out to care about what she did with them if we never used them. So, I signed papers saying she could do whatever she wanted with them. And so she used them. And she had twins. Eli and Alexis. I should have told Jo or told you, but I didn't. I got through the trial and then I came here, and I met the kids. Met my kids, Mer. They're five. And hilarious and stubborn as hell, just like Izzie. Like this little team that gangs up on me with stubbornness and sticky hands. And the second I walked in the door, they wanted to show me their rooms and the look on their faces when they were showing me all their toys and books and... asked if they could call me... Dad.

They both want to be doctors and Izzie teaches them to bake just like her and they scribble pictures of stethoscopes all over the walls in chalk. And Alexis.. oh she's got Izzie's eyes. And Eli smiles crooked just like I do. And now I live in a freaking farm in Nowhere, Kansas. And the kids play with the chickens and Izzie goes to work as a surgical oncologist. Oh, and she is amazing, Mer. The progress she's made. She's alive. And she's a miracle and keeping other people alive. And I'm applying to the hospital nearby.

And I wanted to be mad at Izzie for keeping them from me, but I can't because all I am is grateful she made them. Oh, they're so damn smart, smarter than I was at their age. Hell, sometimes at my age. And they get to have everything. A home where they feel safe and loved, and they play "sleepover", where they just keep swapping beds non-stop, all night until they land in ours at 4:00 a.m. And they wake up with two parents, when I rarely never had one. Oh, I love them, Mer, with every inch of me and every cell, and I get to be their dad. I'm the guy who lied and said I only had one ball to get into Seattle Grace and it worked. I got a job and a career I love based on a lie that no one really cared about, and I made it work.

And when I look at my kids and doubt if I know how to do right by them, I just think of you and Zola and Bailey and Ellis. And you've grown into this incredible mother, this incredible surgeon. You did that. You always said Cristina was your Person. Then I was your Person. But you've always been your own damn Person, a force of freaking nature. You've never needed anyone but you. And you can come here, you know? You.. You... You could show up at my door and. and get me to walk away from all this and just go back to you and Jo and the hospital and everyone that helped me to get here. All.. two.. one! But I hope you don't. Mer, you are my best friend, and I will miss the hell out of you, but I'm finally exactly where I should be. I never had that before. So, I hope you come here one day, but not to ask me to leave. I hope to come to meet my kids and they get to call you "Auntie Mer." Because you will love them, and they will love you. And until you're ready to do that, try not to hate me too much. Please?

- Alex.

[guymaito]

For the ask thing :3:

Top 5 animals? Top 5 fav/comfort movies? Top 5 fav cartoons/shows?

I’m honestly glad to know theres other people including you who actually like Pakku and his character :3 Yes he was a completely asshole at the start but he did change, it’s just that it was so subtle that not everyone saw it

Also random song associations with characters:

Fighter by Jack Stauber reminds me very well of Piandao, Pakku, and Jeong Jeong as their younger selves during the war.

Why do I associate Grace by Lewis Capaldi with Bumi? (the music video tho would give more context to why it might make sense)

Oh Klahoma by Jack Stauber reminds me of Piandao and his overall anxieties for his partners.

Consider some of these songs as sorta song recs? Idk but still :3

1. Giraffes!! the reason why their tongues look like That is cause of extra melanin and to prevent sunburn!!

2. Seals!! there are 33 different kinds of pinnipeds and there over 50 extinct pinnipeds

3. Dogs!! they can only see in shades of blue and yellow, so bright red roses look yellowish brown and lively green grass look dehydrated and dead

4. Crows!! a group of them are called a murder

5. Cows!! they’re actually colorblind, they can’t see red specifically, so male cows, bulls aren’t getting mad at the color, they’re getting angry at the movement

1. The Losers movie from 2010, it’s a action mystery movie about Clay and his team that are a part of an elite US Special Forces Unit and are approached by a mysterious woman to exact revenge on their handler, Max, who betrayed them and just,,,the characters, CHRIS EVANS, jake jensen and all of his kinda weird glory, THE ELEVATOR SCENE, also cougar!!

2. Captain America and The Winter Soldier movie, it’s a action movie, which makes me realize that a lot of my faves are prolly gonna be action something, but anyways, it’s about Steve Rogers, who now lives in the nation's capital as he tries to adjust to modern times. An attack on a S.H.I.E.L.D. colleague throws Rogers into a web of intrigue that places the whole world at risk. Joining forces with the Black Widow, Natasha Romanov, and a new ally, Sam Wilson, Steve struggles to expose an ever-widening conspiracy, but he and his team soon come up against an unexpected enemy. oh my god,,,just,,,the fight scenes, the running scene at the beginning of the movie, steve meeting sam that way, just everything!! this was also my introduction to marvel so in my mind no other marvel movie can live up to this (other than spiderman away from home)

3. Spiderman Far from Home, again, it’s a action movie, i’m not gonna explain this cause the post is getting long, but!! mj and peter!! just,,,all of their scenes!! also jake gyllenhaal!! the fight scenes!! the soundtrack!! everything about it is amazing!!

4. Thunderforce, again, i’m not gonna explain, it’s an action adventure and comedy movie (ofc it is look at the other 3 🙄 /s), the relationship between lydia and emily!! the relationship between lydia and emily’s daughter!! the humor!! the fight scenes!! the soundtrack!!,,,,just everything about is good despite the bad ratings

that’s more like a top 4 than a top 5 but that’s like,,,,all the movies i genuinely like and will rewatch if given the chance and for that where’s a honorable mention: Hamilton (the movie version on disney+ that came out i think nearly a year ago), the soundtrack is amazing, the characters are better, got some funny moments and is mostly historically accurate, like yeah angelica did forget her name cause at the time of her meeting alex ham, she was married to a man named john church (or something church idk) so her last name was church but she introduced herself to alexander as angelica schuyler, not angelica church, so in satisfied she was telling the truth about forgetting her own name, but in the same song she said that her father had no sons even though the real angelica had 3 brothers.

1. Avatar the last Airbender, ofc or else i would have a blog (mostly) centered around it and it’s sequel /s but fr though?? it’s such a good show!! zuko’s redemption arc, iroh’s redemption arc (even though his more subtle than zuko’s) , aang!! love him and his character so much, especially when he gets to be a sassy little shit, sokka and his shit humor and brains, katara, toph, hakoda and HIS shit humor, the fight scene with hakoda (he fights kinda like a waterbender, using his opponent’s momentum against them), bato and his lovely, lovely voice, piandao, aang going ‘how about he get on YOUR back and you can fly us to the south pole’ or something like that to sokka after he complained about appa not flying higher, the boiling rock episodes, hakoda apparently being a good dad but a shitty prison riot starter (love that for him), just!! atla is such a good ass show, im not changing my mind. also!! i like the way they introduced ozai, not showing his face but still presenting him as not only a shit dad, but a shit person as well, like up until book three, we only saw him like, the neck down and in like, a flashback or two (i don’t really remember how many flashbacks ozai was in actually cause it’s nearly been a full year since i last watched it) and that’s it, so it made seeing his face for the first time all the more better cause you was already like ‘what the hell does this shitbag look like’ and then you see him and now ur like ‘oh!! THATS what he looks like!!’

2. The Legend of Korra, again, ofc or else i wouldn’t have a blog (mostly) centered around it and it’s prequel, just,,,,korra’s arc from being hot headed to calm is fantastic but also sad considering the way she went from that to this, korra’s book 1 character!! for whatever reason i really like b1 korra, just,,her design, her hair style (even though she had it for nearly the entire series) just!!! book 1 korra <3, also the entirety of book 1!! just amon posing as a anti bender nonbender despite being a waterbender himself, the scene where tenzin and his kids nearly lost their bending, which would’ve meant that, if tenzin did lose his bending but his kids didn’t, that would’ve meant the strongest airbender would’ve been his 11 year old daughter, the gruesome way to end the season finale episode by doing a murder suicide which was dark as fuck for what?? a kids show??, also the villains in this show!! their good as hell!! the backstory of the red lotus and how and why they were created?? amon and his anti bending?? kuvira and her plan to basically rule the earth kingdom (idk i haven’t finished book 4), unalaq and his spiritual stuff and wanting to become a dark avatar and fusing with vaatu?? also!! the other disturbing scene of korra basically getting tortured near the end of book 3, i mean?? it deadass left her hella traumatized and unable to walk, again hella dark for a fucking kids show

3. The Walking Dead, even though i haven’t finished it or watched in like, 4-5 months, i just,,,the way the presented negan!! practically foreshadowing him the entirety of season 6!! him appearing at the very end of the season 6 finale and pretty much having an entire episode dedicated to him in the very beginning of season 7 (which is why some fans argue he was introduced in s7 not s6 cause of the fact that he didn’t show up until the very end of the s6 finale but had an entire episode with him in it in s7, while others say vice versa cause the very the first time we see him was in s6 not s7), the fact that the walking dead logo was getting progressively more and more decayed as the series go on?? the fact that the WALKERS (the zombies) are getting more and more decayed as the series go on?? dale’s death scene?? shane’s death scene?? negan’s relationship with rick’s daughter?? the fact that this show also has what?? 11, 12 seasons?? which reminds me that i’m still on season 9 of twd

4. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, just,,,salem and his sarcasm?? sabrina’s aunts?? sabrina herself?? just!! everyone is just so fucking funny in this show it’s unreal, specially salem!! a lot of my favorite scenes have salem in them, the ‘are you on a women’s chat room again?’ (or something like that) and salem saying ‘i like the attention’ in response, that one harvey and salem scene that i don’t know how to describe without turning this into a giant paragraph like the ones before this one

5. blue’s clues, it was my favorite childhood show and i love the reboot of it so much!! especially p for pride moment in that song i don’t remember the name of, blue themself!! steve leaving which was sad but getting an equally amazing host in the process?? amazing!! the scene where salt and pepper introduced their baby, paprika?? just,,,it’s such good show and i loved it when i was younger and i still love it now!!

[amphtaminedreams]

Film Tier Ranking 2019: A Bad Year for Bird Films

Hi to anyone reading,

I’ve finally put it together: my 2019 film tier ranking! I know tier rankings are a bit 6 months ago but seeing British crisps sorted into god, good, mid and shit tier all over Twitter, the format really resonated with me and I was like I MUST USE THIS AT SOME POINT! And I guess since there probably isn’t much of an audience for crisp tier rankings on Tumblr, it makes more sense for me to do it with films instead, especially as doing a 2019 year in film review was something I previously claimed I would do; here’s to 2020 and following through on my proposals.

I think 2019 in general was an okay year for film, with the end of the year definitely outselling the beginning. One thing to bear in mind is that a lot of films that I would’ve been able to see in 2019, I.E Little Women and Parasite, didn’t come out until 2020 in the UK so they won’t make it onto this year’s list. It’s not a snub by any means. I more fall in line with the Elsie Fisher Film Awards school of thought than the Oscars, which have yet again disregarded several incredible performances this year: Florence Pugh in Midsommar, Taron Egerton in Rocketman, Lupita Nyongo in Us, and of course, Greta Gerwig’s direction of Little Women. I’m sure there are many more but those are the first few that come to mind. Oh to be in 2017 when nominations made fractionally more sense.

This list also includes films that weren’t necessarily released this year, but that I just got around to watching; there were a couple of disappointments but also a lot of films I can’t believe it took me this long to finally watch and have definitely made their way into my favourites. My goal for this year is to get through even more of the films on my verrrry long Letterboxd watchlist, and more specifically, watch said films without going on my phone, which is a really bad habit of mine. I find it hard to sit still! Let me live! 

I also want to try and put aside my prejudices about visual quality and watch more pre-2000s movies this year; it’s really bad but I never managed to get more than half an hour into Psycho, of all films, solely because I couldn’t deal with the black and white. In 2020, I am going to stop being a whiney Gen Z/cusp millenial-er and give older films the chance they deserve.

So, without further ado, here is my film tier ranking of everything I watched in 2019! If you make it til the end and have any thoughts or disagreements, let me know. I love to hear other’s opinions and get new perspectives on things and am totally open to any criticism. Happy reading:-)

God Tier

Knives Out (Rian Johnson, 2019)

Knives Out. What a film.

I feel like I waited forever to see this at the cinema. They must have started showing trailers for it in, like, August, and I had to wait til mid-November to see it. How are you gonna just dangle a film with Toni Colette and Lakeith Stanfield in my face and then make me wait 3 months? Totally unethical.

But that being said, when it finally came around and I did see it, as much as I love Toni and Lakeith, there was one stand out and it wasn’t either of them: ANA DE ARMAS. I have to admit I’d never heard of her before but she acted the shit out of a role I feel I’d ordinarily find irritating and gimmicky. Daniel Craig, whose character seemed annoying as fuck in the trailer, was actually surprisingly funny.

Stylistically, it was a very cool film and I liked the subtle commentary on class that was running throughout. Also, I thought the ending was very clever. My issue with a lot of whodunnits is that they just pick someone who doesn’t make sense for shock factor *cough, Bobby Beale in Eastenders, cough* but the shocks here were more in the details. 

Hustlers (Lorene Scafaria, 2019)

There wasn’t one single moment of Hustlers I didn’t enjoy and it’s quite amazing that there wasn’t one single point in this film about strippers that I felt gratuitously sexualised women. THAT is why you fund female directors. It made the whole thing look like a calculated art form, which I think the unsexy amongst us can all agree that it is. Constance Wu was a fantastic lead, J-Lo was kind of robbed for a supporting actress nom, and Keke Palmer and Lili Reinhart were hilarious too. 

Midsommar (Ari Aster, 2019)

Midsommar was such an experience that it took me a good few days afterwards to decide whether I actually liked it. I saw it the day it came out because I loved Hereditary so much and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I kind of had an idea of the way it was going to go, we could all kind of guess evil cult was the route that was being taken from the trailer, but I just didn’t realise quite how weird it’d get. 

The gore was great, the visuals were stunning and the character arcs were surprising and for that reason, I think this is another game changer for horror from Ari Aster. I didn’t love it like I loved Hereditary but it continues to play on my mind and 7 months later I still can’t resist a good “Things you Missed in Hereditary” or “Hereditary Themes Explained” Youtube video essay. That’s how you know a film fucked with you and that’s the ultimate goal of going into a horror for me. Put that on my headstone after I inevitably get myself into some mortally dangerous conflict because I want to “get fucked with” a little bit.

Booksmart (Olivia Wilde, 2019)

So here’s the thing with Booksmart: I was getting progressively more and more drunk throughout it so I might be a little biased when I say I loved it. That being said, worth revere seems to be a commonly held opinion so I’ll stick to my guns. Plus, movies like this, which just focus on girls living their lives, are few and far between. Why have we had to wait THIS long for the female Superbad?

IDK. But Kaitlyn Dever, Beanie Feldstein and Billie Lourd proved it’s definitely a genre worth investing in so hopefully we see more lighthearted female-led coming of age comedies. One Ladybird per year isn’t enough for me.

The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos, 2018)

I included The Favourite in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch that I made earlier this year so I don’t have all that much to say about it that I haven’t said already. To summarise, it’s an instant classic: the cinematography, the cast, the lines, it’s all perfection. 

Suspiria (Luca Guadagnino, 2018)

I also included Suspiria in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch list so sorry if I’m repeating myself, but I adored everything about it. If I had to sum it up in one sentence I’d say divine feminine energy, but inverted. Plus ballet. That dancing scene in the mirrored room will probably never leave my mind (if you’ve watched it, trust me, you’ll know the one I'm talking about), and if there were awards given out for creepy montages in horror, this would win all of them. It still blows my mind that Tilda Swinton played 3 characters in this film; 2 of them are so distinctly different, if anyone put two and two together without prior knowledge of this fact then I’ll blow my own head up too. This is why I got so mad when there was all that discussion around her being the new female Doctor Who and there were people asking who she was. How can you not know who Tilda fucking Swinton is!? She’s a legend! 

Sorry, is the wannabe film snob in me showing?

Annihilation (Alex Garland, 2018)

Though I initially watched it because it’s branded as a horror, Annihilation ended up being a surprisingly introspective take on human nature and our self-destructive tendencies. Nothing really went the way I expected it to, even though I was constantly trying to guess that trajectory from beginning to end. 

Visually, Annihilation is magnificent. Like, it’s tense, and where exactly the plot is going is shrouded in mystery, but most importantly, it’s super fucking pretty. Sure, the only thing that was mildly horrifying was the *SPOILER* end result of that bear scene but I didn’t mind too much because there was always that edge-of-your-seat possibility something like that would happen again. 

Also I realised that Gina Roduriguez is really hot in this! I would just say in general but that video of her saying the n-word kind of took away shot at real world magnetism. WHY SUCH A SHITTY APOLOGY VIDEO!? WHY?!

Assassination Nation (Sam Levinson, 2018)

So I didn’t clock until I was looking up directors that Sam Levinson, Euphoria director, also directed this, and suddenly everything makes sense in the world. They both have that dreamlike, exaggerated feel that perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster that is being a teenager, only in Assassination Nation obviously the threats are a bit more...tangible. As in its actually other people trying to kill our protagonists this time round, not just angst. 

Not gonna lie, it’s not a patch on Euphoria because that show is probably the best thing I watched all year, but I did thoroughly enjoy it, even if I did feel the social commentary, despite how in your face it was, got a bit lost in translation at times. I think it’s the kind of film that, once again, would’ve felt more genuine coming from a female director, however that’s not to take away from how witty, modern, and completely relevant it still is as we move into 2020.

Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley, 2018)

Right. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Why don’t more people talk about this film? Like it has Tessa Thompson and the world’s best earrings! Lakeith Stanfield getting more than 10 cumulative minutes of screen time! Armie Hammer being that bitch we all knew he was irl (probably)! Scathing critiques of late stage capitalism! It’s insane, in the absolute best way.

SPOILERS AHEAD: I had a mini paragraph written about the last hour of the film and the descent into pure unadulterated chaos, and how it’s like, the internet’s best kept secret, because ordinarily you lot can’t keep your mouths shut about a film or TV’s shows most crucial reveals for more than 5 minutes and THEN...My FBI agent must be feeling real cheeky because THIS tweet pops up on my Twitter timeline. 

Fuck this shit, I’m out. Onto the next film. MI5 stop peeping my drafts. 

Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham, 2018)

I don’t want to repeat what I said about Eighth Grade in my 50 Films you Should Watch list but Elsie Fisher’s performance in this is why I wish the Oscars also had some kind of rising star award category à la the BAFTAs. Honestly, every 13/14 year old should watch this; it’s a reminder that although feeling like an outsider is by its nature quite isolating, it’s prolific enough that a 29 year old man, 10 years out of “high school”, gets it.

American Animals (Bart Layton, 2018)

My sister and I absolutely loved this film so you can image our disappointment when we turned round to our parents at the end and our enthusiasm wasn’t matched...as in, I’m pretty sure they were both asleep for a lot of it. WHICH I DON’T GET. Because to me, there wasn’t a dull moment. American Animals is what happens when a group of university age boys with the finesse of the American Vandal Turd Burglar try and apply that to an Evil Genius stye heist, part Netflix, talking head abundant documentary, part live-action film. Splicing a stylistic reenactment with interview footage of the men who really attempted to commit the crime elevated what I probably would have put in the Good Tier™ to the God Tier™; seeing the guy Evan Peters is playing alongside Evan Peters playing him, now only the remnants of the arrogance we see in the reenactment left behind, sharply reminds you of the fall from grace these boys deservedly went through. Plus Barry Keoghan from The Killing of a Sacred Deer is in it, proving that unsettlingly stiff is NOT in fact his natural state. 

Gerald’s Game (Mike Flanagan, 2017)

I wish there was a shorthand way to say I wrote about this in my 50 Films You Should Watch list so I’m gonna keep it short but here we are! This was great! If The Haunting of Hill House isn’t proof enough, Gerald’s Game (not to take away any credit from Stephen King) is a reminder that Mike Flanagan is the king of subtle, niggling sensation in your stomach that something is about to go very wrong horror. I hear he and Ari Aster have a timeshare situation going on with the crown.

The Ritual (David Bruckner, 2017)

Okay, so this is the film that made me realise we should all be very scared of forests. Nope, all the documentaries into the Aokigahara Forest weren’t enough, apparently. I subjected myself to this too, as if my unfit, cold-blooded, bug-fearing, scared of the dark ass doesn’t already have enough concerns about my survival odds in the great outdoors. 

Really though, setting aside, this film maintains the sense of dread throughout and keeps you guessing what’s going on until the very end. Much like The Descent, the group dynamic and characters are realistic enough that it adds to the believability of a scenario I, in principle, know would never happen to the extent that I might keep away from vast, wooded spaces for a while just in case.

Dumbo (Tim Burton, 2019)

If film Twitter came across this post and saw I’d placed Dumbo in a higher tier than If Beale Street Could Talk I can only imagine the outrage. And sure, the latter is probably a much higher quality film. But sometimes a movie, for reasons you can’t quite put your finger on, gets you right in the sweet spot, and Dumbo did that for me. Maybe it was that the CGI elephant reminded me of my cat (I know, leave me alone), maybe I was emotional that day, I don’t know, all I know is that I cried like 5 times and was smiling for the rest of it-to be fair, the exploitation of animals for our entertainment is something that is still very much going on and that was something that was playing on my mind a lot whilst I was watching it. IRL Dumbos should be free too. Dumbo rights.

The VVitch (Robert Eggers, 2016)

This film taught me that there’s nothing wrong with joining a coven of young witches and getting naked and levitating around a fire. And that’s an important life lesson. Plus it gave us the quote “wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”, which is not only so perfectly creepy and simultaneously empowering that I had to get it tattooed but also, created ASMR. I just made that last bit up obviously but Black Philip getting his own ASMR Youtube channel?

The Descent (Neil Marshall, 2006)

For me, much like The Ritual, The Descent is a perfect horror film: it’s got the ghouls but the situation the characters find themselves in is also terrifying by its own merit. The reason The Descent made it onto my 50 Films list and the Ritual didn’t is because, let’s be honest, it’s 2020 and you can get mobile signal in most places. You could probably at least make a 999 call if you got lost in a forest. If you DID get stuck in an underground cave and it collapsed in on itself, you’d be pretty fucked; the idea of it makes me shudder and I will never set foot in an underground tunnel at any point in my life for any amount of money EVER after seeing this. Also, the women in this are great and the creatures in this are genuinely quite terrifying, especially the first time you see them. 

Chicago (Rob Marshall, 2003)

Ah, Chicago, the last film on the God Tier™, proving that this list is in no particular order. Because WHAT A FIM. WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS MORE?! Like don’t get me wrong, I know it deservedly won Best Picture in 2003 but I’m talking about right now! I mean, fucking Titanic is still out here getting referenced left, right and centre and yet Chicago gets paid dust! Can you tell I’m mad and that I think Titanic is hugely overrated?! Is that maybe coming across?!

ALL the songs are bops, Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot (I saw someone on Letterboxd say that Catherine Zeta-Jones in this film was their bisexual awakening and honestly, if I hadn’t already known I was a raging bisexual, same, because I FELT things in that All That Jazz opening) and Cell Block Tango is the revenge fantasy anthem I never knew I needed. Smart, tongue in cheek, beautifully shot and makes men look like little bitches which is probably why my dad hated it but what did I expect.

Good Tier

Zombieland: Double Tap (Ruben Fleischer, 2019)

Onto the first film of the good tier, Zombieland: Double Tap definitely exceeded my expectations. I was super worried about the prospect of a sequel as I love the first one so much and assumed it would be crap. Obviously, it doesn’t match up to the original because the original WAS so original, but it was still a fun, easy, witty ride. And I was SO glad they didn’t *SPOILERS AHEAD* kill off Tallahassee at the end because I really thought that was coming and it seemed so predictable and unnecessary. Highlight was the introduction of the lookalikes at Graceland.

Judy (Rupert Goold, 2019)

So, this is the first of two consecutive rants I’m about to go on about Oscar nominations and people’s reactions online. Prepare yourself.

I’ll start with the underlying message: just because you think something else deserves the praise more, doesn’t mean the film/album/*insert whatever artistic medium you wish here* that IS getting the praise is shit. 

Like people are angry that Lupita Nyongo wasn’t nominated for best actress for her performance in Us which is COMPLETELY valid as she carried that film on her back. In the same vein, people are also angry that more women of colour haven’t been nominated for best actress. Also valid; I’ve yet to see The Farewell but I’ve heard great things about Akwafina’s performance and I love her so even though I haven’t seen it, I’m gonna take the general consensus that she should’ve been nominated too. The Oscars definitely has a problem with recognising the work of POC. BUT, because of this, people are angry that Renee Zellweger has been nominated for her performance in Judy, saying that it’s typical “Oscar bait”. I agree, it is typical Oscar bait. However, a lot of the people saying this will in the same breath say (or tweet rather) that they haven’t actually SEEN Judy. 

How can you possibly say that Renee Zellweger doesn’t deserve any of the praise she’s getting when you haven’t even seen the film? Don’t get me wrong, the film itself is good but not outstanding (hence its place in this tier), but you can see Renee genuinely put her heart and soul into this film; it was powerful, and it was sympathetic but it was also nuanced and subtle where they could’ve just capitalised on all the sensationalised stories of the actions of a woman clearly deeply suffering in her final years and had it be full of shouting and screaming. The Wizard of Oz has always kind of felt like home to me because of the childhood nostalgia factor and so I’ve always been interested in Judy and I think Renee captured her heart and her spirit in a way she would be deeply honoured by. Maybe the film itself doesn’t deserve the acclaim it’s getting but I think Zellweger definitely deserves the nom and I think most people who’ve actually seen it wouldn’t contest that. 

Joker (Todd Philipps, 2019)

Okay so second rant. I’m sorry. I have a lot of feelings. Most of them aimed at the annoying tendency of internet users, Film Twitter™ and Letterboxd users I’m looking at you in particular, to be wildly exaggerative. 

There just seems to be no nuance online. It’s not just yeah, I didn’t like the film personally and the message could be perceived in a certain way by certain individuals, it’s I HATE THIS FILM AND IT’S DANGEROUS AND THE DIRECTOR FUCKING SUCKS. I noticed this trend when La La Land came out (which if I had watched last year would certainly be in God tier for me). It’s like, if a film initially receives a lot of praise and buzz, there’s almost this wave of compensatory vehement criticism in response that’s usually disproportionate to how controversial the film actually is. People didn’t like that Joker was popular because they didn’t like Joker so suddenly it’s the worst film ever and the possibility of it getting any critical acclaim is wrong. I even saw people berating Todd Philipps for channelling Martin Scorsese as he’s the only person to ever be influenced and take direction from one of the most dominant figures in film of the 20th and 21st century. I mean, what’s wrong with that?! If it was any other director, it’d be called homage. But because everything has to be seen through this malicious lens, its copying. 

I think one of the few very valid criticisms about Joker was that it further perpetuates the idea that psychotic people are dangerous, and I can totally see where they’re coming from. At the same time, we have to accept that whilst the majority of people who are psychotic aren’t a danger to anyone apart from themselves, most “dangerous” people don’t just become dangerous because they thought, fuck it, why not? A lot of people in the prison system ARE suffering with some kind of mental illness. The character’s psychosis doesn’t make him dangerous, it’s his underlying resentment and sense of entitlement that grows throughout the film that makes him dangerous, and I think a lot of people seem to miss this point. They say that the way the film ends implies Philipps is justifying the actions of the films protagonist. However, we KNOW the Joker is an unreliable narrator, he’s one of pop culture’s most infamous villains and that being said, both in film and in the real world, few villains see themselves as the villain. Joker is about why HE thinks he’s justified in doing what he does, not why he IS justified in doing what he does because he’s not, and that’s pretty clear from the moment he shoots someone in the head on live TV. Honestly, I think there’s a bit of wilful misinterpretation going on because people don’t like that film

I liked Joker. It was gritty, it was interesting, and sufficiently dark. I didn’t think it was the best film of the year but I understand why it got the praise it did. Obviously, it’s okay that people disagree and DON’T like it. But can we please get a bit more well-acquainted with the middle ground?

It: Chapter Two (Andres Muschietti, 2019)

Okay, essays over. Back to regular scheduled programming of less impassioned reviews. Though I will say I deserved better than my Letterboxd comment of “so you can just fucking roast Pennwyise to death?” getting absolutely 0 traction. One day my grand total of 5 followers, one of which is my sister, will recognise my brilliance (lol).

It’s hard to say how much I really liked this as I think my perspective of how much I did enjoy it is warped by how much I disliked the first one. Child actors really aren’t my thing and the only cast members I warmed to in the first one were Finn Wolfhard and Jack Dylan Grazer whereas the cast here were a lot more likeable, imo. Bill Hader, Jessica Chastain and James Ransone were all great, with the only let down being James Mcavoy; I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I just think he was really miscast in this role. 

Another thing I enjoyed a lot more about this instalment was that due to the more episodic/anthology-like/Creepshow-esque structure with each character conquering different monsters from their past individually, the narrative felt like it had a lot more direction, and it didn’t drag as much despite it having a significantly longer runtime. I haven’t read the Stephen King novels and I don’t know much of the pacing issues are down to them so this is me coming at it from a screenwriting angle but it felt as if the climax of the first film just kept going on and on. Every time I thought it had finished there’d be another confrontation between the kids and Pennywise whereas Chapter 2 seemed to have a more definitive third act and I appreciated that.

Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher, 2019)

So, here’s one where I WILL agree with the general online consensus: if Rami Malek got nominated for playing Freddie Mercury last year and Renee got nominated for playing Judy Garland, why the fuck didn’t Taron Egerton get one for playing Elton John? Why didn’t Rocketman itself get a nomination when Judy did? Though I personally preferred Judy because I’m more interested in her story, technically and narratively Rocketman is the better film in my opinion.  This was so cleverly edited and sequenced and told with such a brutal honesty on Elton John’s part (it was co-produced by his husband David Furnish and he was heavily involved in everything from the set to the script), that I can only come to the conclusion that the obligatory biopic nomination only comes when the focus of said biopic is no longer with us as a kind of honorary thing. Whilst something like Bohemian Rhapsody was much more of an easy watch (which just goes to show how glossed over Freddie Mercury’s life was in the film), the way the story was told, by the time we got to I’m Still Standing that happy ending felt so earned.

Aladdin (Guy Ritchie, 2019)

You can hate all you want, Prince Ali and Never Had a Friend Like Me are fucking bops and somehow they were even better in this incarnation of the film. I was initially hesitant about Will Smith being cast but rather than trying to impersonate Robin Williams he went his own route and it really worked. He was the highlight of the film. It was undeniably visually stunning too. Madonna’s ex did good.

Us (Jordan Peele, 2019)

Ah, I feel so conflicted when it comes to Us. Like, there were some really strong points and it’s definitely a good standalone horror movie. It’s just you can’t help but compare it to Get Out, and with that unsatisfactory exposition dump ending, I left feeling so disappointed. It seemed to me that Jordan Peele got in a bit over his head here with trying to tie such a vague social metaphor and the actual in-universe plot together, and so ended up leaving both a bit half-baked. He tried to OutPeele himself and for me, it didn’t work. 

The doppelgängers were so scary as this ambiguous, vaguely threatening presence that if you are gonna give us a full blown, sit down explanation of why they exist it needs to be really bloody good. And this explanation didn’t make much sense. For example, *SPOILERS AHEAD* I imagine that the tethered just not being able to walk up the escalator into the “real world” was supposed to be some kind of metaphor for social mobility but it’s not fleshed out enough to work. In our world, there are REASONS why the idea of social mobility is flawed. In the film, it’s just like gee, if they chose to just walk up the escalator and go on this murderous rampage now, why couldn't they have decided to do it years ago back before they all lost their fucking minds? Why were they just copying the originals for all those years? HOW did they know what they were doing? See, the metaphor as I understand it is supposed to be that we depend on the oppression of others like us in order to maintain our social status, but not only is this kind of too general a statement to try and use a feature length film to make, I don’t really understand how this dynamic works within the narrative of the film. Technically, there's nothing to stop the tethered and the originals co-existing apart from the tethered deciding not to walk up the fucking escalator. We’re not talking a bourgeoisie-proletariat relationship here. The explanation of it all just being a “government project gone wrong” was too vague seeing as the plot working seemed prior to this to hinge onto something vaguely supernatural and the eventual plan of the doppelgängers seemingly had no purpose or application to the real world like the climax of Get Out did. It just left me feeling kind of like...why? Why did this all happen? When the ending and the twist was that predictable (the old Pretty Little Liars finale style twin switcheroo was blatantly obvious from the mother’s “it’s like she’s a different person” line near the beginning, let’s be real), I was expecting some final revelation that flipped my expectation on its head or at least felt helped things click into place. Instead, it seemed a bit hamfisted and like I was supposed to feel things were deeper and more significant than they actually were.

All that being said, I appreciate that if anyone other than the writer of Get Out had come out with this movie, I probably wouldn’t have these issues. Us was funny, it was fresh, and the concept of doppelgängers is something I’m so glad to see brought back into our modern pop culture database. The people are right, Lupita was incredible in this and it is a travesty that she didn’t get nominated. My sister, who was so creeped out by her vocal performance that she had her fingers in her ears every time Red spoke, still won’t let me attempt an impression of it. And that Fuck the Police sequence? Iconic. 

On the Basis of Sex (Mimi Leder, 2019)

I apologise in advance for the shittiest “review” I’ll ever write, but honestly I can’t remember all too much about this film other than it being good. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I’m sorry. You’re a cool lady.

If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins, 2019)

EURGH, THIS WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FIM. The score, the shots, the rawness. I imagine it’s devastatingly real. Like, *SPOILERS AHEAD* you think there’s going to be a happy ending but there’s not. It should be disappointing but it’s an honest choice. And side note: fuck those annoying middle aged white ladies in the seats behind me and my friend who lost their shit and started giggling every time the N-word was used, JFC. I hate living in a Tory stronghold. 

Cam (Daniel Goldhaber, 2018)

So, as I said, I’m a fan of the whole doppelgänger thing. It freaks me out. The point in this film where the protagonist is approaching her bedroom door whilst she watches HERSELF livestreaming from inside that same bedroom had my heart in my mouth wondering what she was going to encounter on the other side. And you see, the ending of this was a lot more ambiguous than the ending of Us, so I should’ve had less questions. Whilst I’ve seen other people saying it WAS unsatisfactory and that they felt like we were owed more of an explanation, I liked the simplicity of the answer we got and the wiggle room it leaves for our own interpretation. The way I see it, given that we were told by the fan the protagonist meets with in the motel room that *SPOILERS AHEAD* it was a case of some kind of software copying these women’s likenesses to steal their viewers and thus their profits, is that Cam is a kind of a commentary on the capitalist exploitation of women’s bodies and the demand for (and desensitisation towards) sexually violent content; we don't necessarily need to know who is behind the virtual cloning, which is terrifyingly believable given how realistic some of the deepfakes I’ve seen are, because it doesn’t matter. We're basically told money is the motive and we know the kind of lengths some people will go, and someone DID go to in Cam, to in order to make a shitload of money and that’s as true in real life as it is scary. On the other hand, if you want to believe there’s a more supernatural presence behind the events of the film, there’s enough left to the imagination that you can go down that route too. Some films are better left un-exposition dumped and this is the proof. My one criticism, is that, like many films, it would be even better if directed by a woman; I’ve seen people say that its portrayal of online sex work isn’t entirely accurate and though I can’t say with certainty that women working in this industry weren’t consulted in the first place, I imagine a female director would not only be more likely to listen to their concerns but could translate the confusion and fear that comes with being expected to makes oneself sexually desirable to get ahead in the world but then shamed and used for doing so even more viscerally. A few tweaks and it’d be God Tier.

Colette (Wash Westmoreland, 2019)

The costumes, sets, and Keira were so, so stunning. Also it was just an inspiring, beautiful story. The navigation of womanhood, so called “deviant” sexuality and self-expression against the backdrop of early 20th century Paris with a load of Edwardian era tailoring thrown in, it’s everything I could possibly want and more; 10/10 moodboard content. 

The Boy (William Brent Bell, 2016)

I can’t believe this film was made in 2016, and it almost makes me move it down to mid tier based on the fact that a lot of the allowances I made for cheese factor I made on the assumption it came out earlier in the decade. BUT, that being said, I was creeped out for a good portion of this film. Most horrors I watch and I’m probably a bit too chilled (a head comes off or some witchy ass ghost screams into the camera and my only thought is some kind of judgement of the SFX), and yet I felt like watching this behind my hands. I don’t know what it is about dolls and puppets, Chucky was my childhood fear even though I never actually watched the film, but something about the uncanny valley of it all makes me just spend the whole time they’re on screen silently praying they don’t start moving or talking. So in a way, given the resolution of the film *SPOILERS AHEAD*, the premise of The Boy was actually a lot scarier to me than the reveal of what was really going on. Someone hiding in my walls? NBD. That demons are real and that they live inside creepy old dolls? Terrifying. Why does everybody I debate this with disagree!? You can't call the police on a demon! At least with a human being you can stick them with the pointy ending of something! Regardless, I enjoyed the journey and trying to work out how things would end and if there IS anybody secretly living inside my house right now, even if you are a supposedly dead murderous family member (last time I checked I didn’t have any of those so I should be all good), kindly vacate. Thanks.

Oprhan (Jaume Collet-Serra, 2009)

So the fact that this film is based on a real life case makes this all the more terrifying. It was a bit campy and tacky at times but the shot of *SPOILERS AHEAD* Esther taking off her makeup in the mirror and revealing her true age will always be iconic. Plus I love Vera Farmiga, even though I did struggle to see her as anyone other than Norma Bates. 

First Reformed (Paul Schrader, 2018)

A hauntingly beautiful film with a lot of room for interpretation. There were so many gorgeous shots and so much subtext, this is proper 10/10 media studies essay material.

The Invitation (Karyn Kusama, 2015)

I would say the concept and implications of this film, which don’t fully hit you til the final shots, are a lot better than the film itself. It feels very realistic though and is definitely tense.

As Above, So Below (John Erick Dowdle, 2014)

I was so stoned when I watched this that a lot of the allegory and Dante’s inferno references went straight over my head, and it just seemed absolutely balls to the wall wild. I couldn’t buy that the characters would just KEEP GOING either when things began to get terrifying, like people in horror films really out here making the most nonsensical decisions and it drives me mad. But anyway, it was definitely entertaining and there’s a lot more to it in terms of plot and mythology than most similar quality horrors and I appreciate that 

Climax (Gaspar Noe, 2018)

Climax is an interesting one that I think I’ll have to watch again to judge how much I truly like it. As with Us, I know it’s a good film, but I think my expectations of what it was going to be left me slightly disappointed. See, when I read about the premise I assumed that the horror was going to come from seeing the perspective of the characters on said acid trip and that leaves so much room for any kind of terrifying visuals you want whether that be something based in realism or fucked up creatures of the imagination. Buuuuut, it wasn’t that at all; at no point does Climax take place from the first person perspective of any of the characters. Similar to Darren Aronofsky’s Mother, the horror comes from not being able to do anything but watch as everyone starts losing their minds and the situation gets increasingly more dire. It’s pure stress; the acting is so unnervingly good that you really do feel like you’re watching some unintentionally horrific incident take place. That’s not a bad thing-I like it when films make me feel something intense, whether that emotion be positive or negative. It was just a different viewing experience to the one I had precipitated. 

Mid Tier

Nativity (Debbie Isitt, 2009)

I find Mr.Poppy hilarious. Does that make me a child? Probably. I’m not really one for Christmas movies but this one’s alright.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (André Øvredal, 2019)

I get that it’s based off a book so it’s not exactly like the “monsters” were a secret in the first place, but for those of us who didn’t read the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books as a kid, my main beef with this film was that they basically revealed all of said monsters in the trailer. Like how It: Chapter 2 spoiled the scene with Beverly in the old lady’s apartment but with EVERY. SINGLE. CREATURE. The only one that wasn’t was the “jangly man” and the only takeaway I have from him is the “jangly in the streets, but is he jangly in the sheets?” Letterboxd comment I read afterwards. Like the creature designs are the selling point of this film and by showing us them all before we’ve even seen it, any anticipation that would’ve built up from their reveal was kind of gone. Plus, it definitely felt like the writers were trying to ride on the hype train of “It” when they wrote this-only they made it even more childish. I mean, I know it was classed as PG-13 in the US which is maybe part of the reason it was so tame but the Woman in Black was a 12 when it was released here and it could be the bias of my 13 year old brain but I remember that being terrifying to watch in the cinema.

Also, I found it weird how *SPOILERS AHEAD* a couple of the main characters died and there didn’t really seem to be any consequences? Idk, maybe that’s because I found them all a bit one dimensional but I’ve seen others make the same criticism so I don’t think so. 

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a BAD film. It just wasn’t super good.

Charlie’s Angels (Elizabeth Banks, 2019)

I’ve never seen the 2000s Charlie’s Angels so I really don’t have anything to compare to, but I don’t think this was THAT bad. I was fairly entertained throughout and I enjoyed Naomi Scott and Kristen Stewart’s characters. My main issue was the unnecessary inclusion of Noah Centineo, and that weird ass montage at the beginning of stock video shots of girls just...doing miscellaneous things. Why, Elizabeth Banks, why!?

Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley, 2019)

In some ways, I see why Toy Story 4 was narratively necessary: co-dependency had been a running theme throughout and we needed to see Woody (I feel stupid saying this considering he’s a fucking toy but allow it) realise that he can exist independently of Andy, and that there’s more to life than pleasing somebody else. The way Toy Story 4 ended felt like a satisfying conclusion to his character arc, and as well as the animation being top tier, Forky was a hilarious addition to the cast. However, I don’t think it carried the emotional weight of the 3rd Toy Story, which I think people had accepted as the last instalment and had used to say goodbye to the franchise, and therefore the sceptic in me thinks that the obvious purpose of this addition was a cash grab. I don’t doubt that a lot of people worked incredibly hard on it-I’m just saying that the propelling force behind the film probably wasn’t “the people need to see Woody’s character growth” and that was quite apparent throughout.

Doctor Sleep (Mike Flanagan, 2019)

There were some really beautiful scenes in Doctor Sleep; the astral projection sequences in particular were magnificent and I loved Rebecca Ferguson as the villain. Stylistically, though I didn’t find out he was the director until I was writing this up, you can definitely tell it’s Mike Flanagan, and like I’ve said, he does horror very tastefully. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t all that interested in the premise and I wasn’t hugely invested in grown up Danny Torrance either. The execution was great and the return to the Overlook was brilliant, of course, but the story just wasn’t for me and nothing much sticks out as being a particularly intriguing plot point.

Mary Queen of Scots (Josie Rourke, 2019)

What to say about Mary Queen of Scots other than...yeah, it was alright. I mean, I really should’ve liked it more than I did, because these specific events were part of the Edexcel A-Level history curriculum (Can I get some Rebellion and Disorder Under the Tudors students representation up in here!?) and I usually love seeing history translated onto screen, plus it centred around Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan. It was just very...meh. I feel like there’s so much more complex a story here than was told. Both women were undoubtedly a lot more complicated than this film made them out to be and I think to reduce Mary Queen of Scots to a Mary Sue-ish heroine was a disappointing choice. Plus, if we’re gonna talk historical accuracy (which all the racists came out of their caves to discuss at the time), Mary and Elizabeth never actually met; I’m sure there was a more creative way to explore their dynamic than by forcing an interaction that never actually happened.

Apostle (Gareth Evans, 2018)

There were elements of this film I really liked; the mythology behind the cult, I.E what the townsfolk actually worshipped when you stripped away all the secrecy was pretty interesting. However, I felt it depended too much on atmosphere and not enough on plot, and I didn’t warm to any of the characters.

Searching (Aneesh Chaganty, 2018)

It’s difficult because technically, Searching is obviously an ingenious film. My issue is the way it ended, which was imo, super anti-climatic, and honestly pretty predictable in that it seemed like the writers just went out of their way *SPOILERS AHEAD* to make the culprit the person viewers would’ve ruled out by default for shock value, and then work out WHY that person was the culprit from there. I was expecting something a lot darker to be behind the protagonist’s daughter’s disappearance-irl, these situations usually are-and so maybe it’s just me being a bit of a sadist but I was disappointed by how things resolved themselves.

Deliver Us from Evil (Scott Derrickson, 2014)

So, this isn’t boring. It’s interesting to have a horror navigated through the lens of something as procedural as a police investigation. But ultimately, the acting isn’t great, there’s very few scary moments, and it’s a little cheesy. As horrors go, it’s pretty shallow-it is what it says on the tin.

Dumplin’ (Anne Fletcher, 2018)

I watched this right at the beginning of the year and I can’t remember all too much about it, but I remember not hating it? See, looking at the cast, Odeya Rush and Dove Cameron are both in it which would suggest I’d come away hating MYSELF instead but yeah...I got nothing. 

Lights Out (David F.Sandberg, 2016)

The concept is very scary, the execution not so much, and the actual storyline is a little cheesy. I found myself just being like OH MY GOD, IT’S BELLA’S DAD FROM TWILIGHT! And then *SPOILERS AHEAD* getting mad that they did Charlie Swan dirty like that by killing him off in the first 10/15 minutes.

The Goldfinch (John Crowley, 2019)

So I LOVED the book of The Goldfinch. I read it after the Secret History and even though most people seem to prefer the latter, the former hit me right in the sweet spot. The length was almost one of my favourite things about it; I felt by the end that I came to know the character so well he felt like someone I knew in real life. When I heard Ansel Elgort was cast as Theo, I was really happy; I’m not necessarily a huge fan of him as an actor, I've only ever seen him in shitty teen-y dramas which I forced myself to like at the time E.G. The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, but he looks kind of exactly how I pictured Theo looking. Almost like an Evanna Lynch as Luna Lovegood situation. And then honestly, the actual film came around, and I found myself much preferring the young Theo sections. I get that Theo is quite a muted character and I hate to properly slate anyone’s performance, but Ansel as him felt a bit flat. The casting in general was pretty whack; I love Nicole Kidman but she didn’t feel right as Mrs.Barbour and it seemed that they added a lot to her character to the detriment of Hobie’s character who was a much bigger part of Theo’s life in the book. Also, can we talk about Finn Wolfhard as Boris? I’m sorry, but that accent was godawful. Really bad. Boris’ accent was always supposed to be kind of ambiguous but this was just butchered Russian. Another gripe that my friend and I, who also read the book, had with the Vegas section of the film (which was otherwise probably the best part) was that they never properly explored the complexity of Boris and Theo’s relationship. Obviously I’m not saying that I want 2 minors to shoot a sex scene but it could have been referenced when they reunite as adults because the kiss on the head when they part in Vegas seemed misleadingly platonic. It was heavily implied in the book that there was some kind of love that went beyond friendship between the two and I didn’t get that in the film at all. 

Ultimately, when you try and adapt a book as long as the Goldfinch, you’re always going to have some pacing issues and people complaining that things were left out or that X or Y character didn’t have enough screen time. But in ways, I think the fault here was trying to stay TOO faithful in the limited time available. They definitely could have focussed less on certain relationships and more on others, and when it comes down to it, I think we lost a lot of the grittiness of the original book for the sake of pretty visuals. 

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino, 2019)

Don’t get me wrong, this would 100% be in shit tier if it wasn’t for the last hour or so of the film and all the Manson lore which is so disappointing because I love Tarantino films and I love that era. As for the first couple of hours, I loved the vibe and I love Margot Robbie, and I think it was very respectful towards the Tate family (if anything radiated through the screen more than anything else it was Sharon Tate’s sweetness), but I just wasn’t that invested in Leo or Brad’s characters-it all just felt a bit pointless. I really like Brad Pitt and even that couldn’t really save it for me. Maybe if you took away the remaining 2 hours and 20 minutes of Leo DiCaprio making vague allusions to his own career to a girl only slightly younger than the combined age of all girlfriends past I’d enjoy it more but then I don’t think there’d be much footage left. I guess we should just be grateful that Tarantino managed to refrain from unnecessarily sprinkling the N-word into every other line of his script this time, right?

Also.

SO. MANY. FEET.

But then again, this did result in Brad publicly mocking Tarantino’s foot fetish during his speech at the SAG awards so...I’ll allow it. Sometimes kink shaming is okay. Especially when it’s this guy:

Isn’t it Romantic (Todd Strauss-Schulson, 2019)

I guess as romantic comedies go it wasn’t AWFUL because it was self-aware but still just not my cup of tea and it didn’t really make me laugh. Plus, I feel like it did just follow the plot of a conventional rom-com in the end so...what was it all for, you know?

Green Room (Jeremy Saulnier, 2016)

I think my disappointment with this film was a case of too high expectations. It wasn’t as gory as I hoped, in fact, there was very little on screen gore at all. I was just expecting something very messed up and I didn’t get that. But then again we did get Maeby from Arrested Development singing a fuck Nazis song so I guess that was a nice surprise?

Shit Tier

Birdbox (Susanne Bier, 2018)

First the disappointment of the Goldfinch, and now Birdbox (although they were chronologically the other way round but for the sake of this review, let’s just ignore that). It really is a bad year for bird films. 

It’s weird because when this first came out I remember everyone hyping it up and making memes about it and stuff and then I actually watched it and dear god, it was boring. Honestly, who paid you lot to pretend you cared enough about it enough to make content? And where can I get in on this action?

I mean it didn’t start off terribly but then they killed off SARAH FUCKING PAULSON and somehow managed to make SANDRA FUCKING BULLOCK unlikeable. How does one do that? The mind baffles.

Pet Sematary (Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer, 2019)

The kid acting was bad, the leads were meh and there wasn’t one creepy moment. This should be SO MUCH MORE hard hitting than it actually was given the subject matter and it just fell completely flat. I will say, though, *SPOILERS AHEAD* that the ending was appropriately doom and gloom and even though I’ve seen lots of others say they hate it it was probably the only thing I actually liked.

The Lion King (Jon Favreau, 2019)

Seth Rogen and Billie Eichner were the only good things about this which is sad because I fucking love Donald Glover and I was so excited when he was cast as Simba. Like, it was pretty but empty and unnecessary and I’m not one of these people who think CGI remakes always have to be this way-I loved Dumbo and I liked the live-action Jungle Book too! I just think the people who made this cared too much about good CGI and realism and less about heart. There was no personality whatsoever and it’s such a waste when you think about the fact that they had Donald and Beyonce on board. 

Red Sparrow (Francis Lawrence, 2018)

Eurgh, I hated this. I think Jennifer Lawrence is stunning and I usually love her films but every shot of her in this felt so male-gaze oriented, even the ones which were sexually violent, which I found to be completely unnecessary in the first place. At times it felt almost torture-porn-y which was not what I expected at all seeing as the marketing made it seem like some kind of female empowerment movie.

It Comes at Night (Trey Edward Shults, 2017)

I literally can’t remember fucking anything from this film. Clearly there is a very, very fine line between atmospheric and boring.

Warm Bodies (Jonathan Levine, 2013)

Maybe it’s because I watched this about 6 years too late and the whole human-girl-falls-in-love-with-supernatural-creature hype train has long since left the station but I couldn’t even finish it. Cutesy necrophilia ain’t for me, sorry Nicholas Hoult. Still love ya. You’ll always be Tony Stonem to me xoxo

Million Dollar Baby (Clint Eastwood, 2005)

I’m pretty sure this movie won a lot of awards so I’m sure this is a very unpopular opinion but the way this film ended was so...depressing. SO depressing. Did it have to be THAT depressing? The Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode outsold.

This is the range Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank wishes she had.

Would You Rather (David Guy Levy, 2013)

Started off well but became cheesy and predictable as it went on. The acting wasn’t great either plus there was another unnecessary attempted rape scene here too. 

Christmas with the Kranks (Joe Roth, 2004)

So I watched this movie in the run up to Christmas because my best friend and her mum were referencing it like it was this cult classic (which I guess for some reason it is?) and I’m sorry to her and her mum but what the hell is this shit?! It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s just bad.

The plot, the characters, EVERYTHING, it’s ridiculous on every level. I wasn’t into it enough to suspend my disbelief that anyone’s neighbours would actually care THAT much that they weren’t celebrating Christmas. Go on your damn cruise, take me with you whilst you're at it, ease my seasonal depression! I wouldn’t mind so much if it was funny or if the protagonists were likeable but it wasn’t and they’re not. Nobody’s actions made any sense. It didn’t put me in the Christmas spirit at all it just made me angry that Jamie Lee Curtis’ agent made her do this shit. She’s a scream queen goddess and she deserves better.

ANYWAY.

I’m now realising that I should have started on shit tier and worked my way up to god tier because now this post has ended on the rather sour note of me getting worked up over Christmas with the Kranks, lol. As always, these are just my opinions and I love to hear other people’s; when it comes to something like this, it’s all a matter of preference and there really isn’t a right or wrong answer, so I’m open to discussion!

With the Oscars less than a week away now I rushed a little to get this out on time, so apologies in advance if anything doesn’t make any sense or there’s any typos, I will look back over it at some point over the next couple of days to check. 

But if you read to the end thank you! And stay tuned for my overview of Paris Haute Couture Week S/S 2020 if that’s something you’re interested in as that will most likely be next post!

Lauren x

[holidaywishes]

Trying to Change

  Requested: 👍

  Summary/Request: Anything Seggy please. Always love stories with him. Maybe that he's trying to persuade a girl to date him and admits his playboy ways but wants to prove he's crazy about her

  Author’s Note: So, I don’t know if this is exactly what the anon was looking for but when I saw the request this GIF immediately came to mind and I needed to write something around it. I also wrote this in the middle of my World War I lecture so... my attention was split -- hopefully there’s no war talk in here...

  P.S. Just so no one gets confused, Y/H/C is your hair colour; I’m pretty sure every one knows all the abbreviations but I always like to put disclaimers in here if I use something other than the typical ones..

  P.P.S If y’all haven’t tried it, download the InteractiveFics on Google Chrome and you can enter in your name -- it’s kinda fun!

  Warning: none? fluff, Tyler being a playboy

  masterlist

Tyler’s P.O.V

  You were over Sophie’s shit. She had invited herself out with you and Rads, making sure to wear a revealing outfit. It was fine at first but when every girl thought she was your girlfriend because of how closely she was sticking to you, you felt like you were going to scream.

  “Just fuck off for a second!” you yelled at her and she raised her hands, her jaw dropping at your tone and you noticed Rads drop his head and laugh.

  “Fine... jeez, you don’t have to yell” she whined. You finally had a chance to work the crowd, searching through hundreds of platinum blondes to find the one you wanted to waste your time with tonight, dancing with one here and there or a group of girls when you were alone for too long on the dance floor. But none of them really did anything for you. You didn’t want to indulge your playboy reputation anymore than you already had and you figured the only girls that would approach you tonight would want that reputation. So, you left the dance floor to grab a drink and watch the crowd.

  That’s when you saw her. She stepped in front of her group of friends with a smile so bright it almost blinded you and you tried not to lose her in the crowd.

  “Seggy...” Rads called from beside you, trying to grab your attention but your eyes stayed focused on the smile of the (Y/H/C) stranger you’d never seen before. You watched as she made her way to the middle of the dance floor, encouraging her friends to dance with her as the music changed and she twirled, “Tyler!” Rads stepped in front of you and you raced to move him out of the way but it was too late, she disappeared somehow.

  “Shit..” you whispered, “where did she go?”

  “Who? Sophie?” he smiled, “Dude that chick left as soon as you shrugged her off...”

  “What-- No not her, the girl...” you gestured to the dance floor where you last saw her, “the girl with the hair and the smile and the eyes...”

  “I have no idea who you’re talking about, take a shot and then you can look for her.” He pulled you over to the bar and you sighed, still searching the crowd for this girl you couldn’t get out of your head, even with the multiple busty blondes that Rads had wrangled up for you.

  “Excuse me! Hi!” you heard a soft voice yell at the other end of the bar, “Can I get a Vodka Cranberry! Thank you Cutie!” You looked to see the face that matched the voice, not knowing who to expect when you saw a smiley redhead who looked vaguely familiar. You kept your eyes on her to see if you could recognize any of her group and your eyes grew wide when you saw the (Y/H/C) girl from before, her smile still as blinding as before and you tried to catch her attention; failing and deciding to send the group shots instead. When the bartender directed their eyes to you, you locked eyes with her and you felt your stomach flutter and then abruptly fall when she immediately looked away.

  Fuck...

  “Oh my gosh!” your friend Cecilia said, brushing her bright red hair off her shoulder, “I think Tyler Seguin just sent us shots”

  “Yeah right..” you rolled your eyes

  “No seriously, look...” she pointed in the direction the Bartender showed you the drinks came from. You followed her finger and caught his eyes before feeling your cheeks flush with heat and you lowered your gaze,

  “Ooh someone’s blushing! Go over there and thank him for the shot!”

  “Stop Benny” you said to your friend pointing out your embarrassment, “I’m definitely not going over there... seriously look at all the girls he’s surrounded by. Why would he send us shots?”

  “Maybe he wants to be surrounded by more girls?” Cecilia replied and you scowled slightly

  “I’m not interested“

  “Bullshit,” Benny shouted before you told him to quiet down, “you’re not interested? I don’t believe you for a second!”

  “You think I want to waste my time trying to get a guy’s attention who clearly doesn’t give a shit about women unless they’re half-naked and feeding his ego... or sucking his dick?” you said bluntly, raising your right eyebrow, “no thanks. I’ll take my chances with the creeps and weirdos on the dance floor”

  “Oh come on!” Cecilia added

  “No guys, seriously. Yeah, sure, fine, okay. He’s attractive,” you admitted and your friends nodded heavily in agreement, “but he’s not looking for anything other than a hook up. Even if by some random chance he sent us shots, he’s not thinking about anything serious and I’m sorry. I’m not wasting my time with someone who isn’t going to respect me. I deserve better than that...”

  “Oh babe, of course you do! We didn’t think you’d get this defensive...” Benny said, rubbing your arm

  “I’m sorry,” you whined, “I just wanna dance.. let’s dance!!” It only took one big pout to convince them to follow you into the middle of the dance floor before you felt a light tug on the train you had created; you continued anyway, not thinking that it was anything to worry about. When it was just you and Cecilia on the dance floor, however, you found yourself searching for Benny -- whom you found talking with Tyler Seguin.

  “What?” Cecilia said, following your eye line, “oh shit! What do you think he’s saying?”

  “I swear to god Cece, if he tries to bring him over here I will slap both of you...”

  “What did I do?!”

  “You encouraged him!”

  “Whatever, just dance. Let loose!” You stopped dancing for just a second before giggling at Cecilia’s terrible dance moves and continued bopping along to the music. Sure enough, though, Benny came over with Tyler Seguin and Alexander Radulov in tow.

  “(Y/N), Cece, this is Tyler and Alex,” he said, introducing everyone, “Tyler, Alex this is (Y/N) and Cece...”

  “Nice to meet you” Cecilia outstretched her hand to the two men in front of you, clearly waiting for Tyler to shake her hand but his eyes were trained on you, even though you were looking elsewhere

  “It’s nice to meet you..” he called out to you and suddenly you were snapped back into the conversation, “(Y/N)...” You smiled politely before attempting to dismiss yourself

  “It’s nice to meet you both as well... I’ll be right back. Entertain these two won’t you?” you said gesturing to your friends as you ran toward the restroom, sending a quick text to Benny.

  “I hate you and I’m leaving”

  “Don’t leave (Y/N), they’re actually really nice...”

  “I don’t care. This was supposed to be a fun night out to celebrate the end of the shit show that was this semester. Finals are done, school’s out, vacation started five hours ago”

  “We can still celebrate! This way we’ll just get free drinks...”

  “No boys remember...”

  “I know babe but just, come back. Cece and I will make sure there’s always someone between you and Tyler if that’s your worry...”

  “😒”

  “Don’t be rude...”

  “🤨” He sent you a few GIFs in response until you finally agreed to meet him back where you left everyone. But now you were faced with the fact that you had ran away from Tyler Seguin, which made you look extremely pathetic...

  “She’s back!” Cecilia greeted you with a hug so she could whisper in your ear, “what the hell?”

  “Yeah, she’s back! And she wants a drink!...” you squealed back, skipping past everyone to head to the bar. Once you were there, you waited for the bartender to come your way when Tyler whistled to grab her attention

  “Wow...” you said under your breath

  “What can I getcha Ty?” she flirted and he gestured to you

  “No no I think she was asking what you wanted,” you said snidely, squinting your eyes, “I’ll wait...”

  “Let’s see if I can guess...” the bartender said, leaning in toward Tyler. Oh this should be good, you thought to yourself, “you look young... and a little unsure of your choices. So I’m gonna say something sweet and easy. Like a Cosmo...” you fake laughed at her response before you finally decided to order a drink yourself

  “I’ll take a Jameson on the rocks please. Three fingers, no ice, a splash of water...” She took a step back before looking at Tyler and preparing your drink, handing it to you shortly after with a scowl on her face. You brought out your wallet to pay but Tyler stopped you

  “Put it on my tab, Erin, thanks...” You rolled your eyes at his gesture and went to find your friends with Tyler right on your heels, “you don’t like me do you?”

  “I don’t like people who whistle at bartenders”

  “She’s a friend”

  “I’m sure she is...”

  “Dance with me”

  “No thanks. I’m not here for that...”

  “What’s your deal?”

  “My deal?”

  “Why won’t you give me a chance.. I’m a nice guy.” You looked him over once which he clearly took notice of, stepping back as if to give you a better view

  “Hmm nope. I’ll just be taking Cece and Benny now...”

  “Hold on,” he said, grabbing your arm gently, “one dance, that’s it. If it doesn’t go well, I’ll leave you alone. Hell, I’ll even tell Erin to make you all pay for your drinks if that’s bothering you. Just dance with me...” You reluctantly agreed and he tried his best to get you to smile with some really awful dance moves, it almost worked until a tall, platinum blonde came up to Tyler and whined that he was ignoring her.

  “What are you talking about Sophie?” his voice was agitated but she didn’t seem to notice

  “Can you take me home...?” she whined and pouted at him as he stood in front of you

  “No, Sophie, I can’t take you home. There are cabs outside...” he tried but she continued to whine and you couldn’t handle it, so you turned away, “no (Y/N) wait.” You heard him tell this girl to go home and then tried to grab your attention back

  “I’m gonna head out,” you said, kissing Benny and Cecilia on the cheek before turning to Tyler, “you tried...” You smiled at Tyler before shrugging and turning to walk away

  “Wait...” Tyler called out to you, running in front of you, “you don’t understand. She’s not wi-- we’re not together...”

  “It’s not my problem, thank you for the drinks”

  “Can I get your number?”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes”

  “Why are you trying so hard?”

  “I don’t know...”

  “Wow.. great response”

  “You’re different, I guess. You don’t... cater to me”

  “And you’re not used to it?”

  “Not one bit”

  “I know your type and I’m not into it. You tried your best but it didn’t work. Now I’m leaving...” you rolled your eyes and shifted your body from side to side in annoyance

  “Just.. please, give me one chance... have dinner or lunch,” he emphasized when you started walking away, “with me. Please.”

  “Why?” you said skeptically

  “Because I don’t want to let you leave without at least trying...”

  “My friends have my number...” was all you said before turning on your heels and leaving the club; completely unsure of everything that just happened.

Tyler’s P.O.V 

  You tried not to call her right away. After you got her number from her friends, you didn’t want to come on too strong, so you made a contact for her and just stared at her name in your phone the next day until your eyes practically lost all moisture.

  “Fuck it, I’m calling her” you said to yourself

  “Go for it dude,” Jamie replied, thinking you were talking to him, “be bold...” You laughed sarcastically as he mocked you from the couch

  “Shut up! It’s ringing...” you yelled and Jamie laughed

  “Hello?” (Y/N)’s voice chimed from the other end of the phone

  “Hi” was all you could muster

  “Hi... sorry who is this?”

  “Tyler.. Seguin.. we met last night...”

  “Right. So my friends ended up giving you my number I take it...”

  “They did... Are you free for lunch?”

  “What, like right now?”

  “I could come pick you up or meet you somewhere...”

  “Uhm.. I don’t--”

  “Please?” you pleaded, noticing Jamie’s eyebrows raising at your tone

  “Can you give me like 15 minutes? I’m just in the middle of something.”

  “15 minutes is perfect, text me your address and I’ll pick you up!” Your smile stretched clean across your face when she gave you her address and your heart began to race after you hung up the phone

  “Ty?” Jamie asked, “you okay?” You raced around your closet, trying to decide what to wear before Jamie came to where you were and leaned against the door frame

  “It’s just a lunch date, dude, relax...”

  “I’m just so nervous.. From the second she walked into that club last night, I was hypnotized or something”

  “Fine, just don’t try too hard. Just wear some jeans and be nice to her...”

  “It’s not like I’m gonna be a dick to her”

  “I don’t know how you are on dates...” Jamie teased and you laughed, before quickly fixing your hair and changing out of your sweatpants. You hopped in your car and turned on some music while you drove to pick up (Y/N), trying to tell yourself to calm down -- it was just lunch. It would be fine. When you pulled up in front of her apartment building, you sent her a text and she replied with a wink emoji before saying she’d be right out. She walked out and it was like the sun was drawn to her; her hair glowed, the short little summer dress she wore tangled with the wind and her smile shone through everything else; you couldn’t stop staring even after she opened the passenger door.

  “How’s it going?” she said melodically, raising her eyebrows and widening her eyes when you didn’t answer

  “Good, good,” you turned forward, “where should we go?”

  “I thought you were the man with the plan?”

  “You want me to choose?”

  “I thought you would’ve already chosen...” she laughed

  “I know exactly where to go then.” You took off to one of your favourite lunch spots, stealing glances at her throughout the ride but neither of you spoke. You had never been in a more awkward situation but not want to get out of it.

  What the fuck was this? you thought to yourself. Why is he just sitting there not talking to me? The car ride was bad enough but you’re at his favourite restaurant and it’s relatively quiet and he’s still got nothing to say?

  “So.. uhm..” you started, “why this place? What makes it your favourite?”

  “It’s got a great atmosphere!” he mused, “and it’s not insanely crowded all the time, which is a huge plus...”

  “Yeah, I can see that”

  “Are you from Dallas?”

  “No, I grew up in Victoria but I was born in Chicago”

  “Oh, that’s... not what I was expecting“

  “What were you expecting?”

  “I’m not sure, it just seems a little strange. What were your folks doing in Chicago?”

  “My Dad is from there, so his work and everything was in Chicago. But when he met my Mom, they planned to move to BC so they could go somewhere a little quieter I guess?” you said, raising your voice at the end, “and then I came along and they had to put moving on hold while they figured out some of the details.” You laughed as you told your little story about your parents. From there, the conversation really started to pick up. He told you about his family and where he grew up. You asked him what he’d be doing if he wasn’t a professional athlete, he asked you if you thought you were where you thought you’d be at this point in your life, you said no not at all but mostly because you weren’t sure where you thought you’d be at this point. You essentially played 20 questions that turned into 50 questions which turned into you gushing about your life story; leading him to gush about his life story. When he started talking about Boston, you suddenly straightened your posture and snapped yourself back into defense mode.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked and you furrowed your brow

  “What do you mean?”

  “You seem tense all of a sudden...”

  “I just...” you sighed, “I guess I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...”

  “No, I don’t know actually,” he sat back in his chair, visually frustrated, “why don’t you tell me.” You lifted your eyebrows once before leaning back in your own chair, mirroring Tyler’s position.

  “I know what kind of guy you are, I know your type,” you said, “snapback, tattoos, nice car, dimples, and a little more money than you probably need. Pair that with the fact that you know you’re attractive and you’re just a massive douche...”

  “Wow... you really got burned by someone didn’t you?”

  “What? No!”

  “I think that means yes...”

  “No, a yes would’ve meant yes”

  “We were having such a good time. What changed? Why start acting like a bitch now?”

  “I told you. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to tell me what kind of game you’re playing; what’s the bet?”

  “I think you’ve seen too many movies.” You rolled your eyes and prepared yourself to leave

  “Thank you.. for lunch and for picking me up and for.. making me laugh for a bit. But I should probably get going”

  “Wait! That’s it?” he tried, “you’re just giving up? God damn it, why do I have to try so hard with you?”

  “That sounds like a you question”

  “Just sit down”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Sit. Down.” He said firmly and you obliged, though you weren’t sure why, “just hear me out for a sec okay?” you nodded shyly and you watched as he thought about what to say; like he was searching for the perfect words to say.

  “Are you okay?”

  “My reputation sucks. I know that. I was a kid though, when I got into the league, and I tried to act like nothing affected me or that I was a tough guy -- because I was a Bruin, it was the gig -- but after I was traded my rep beat me to Dallas and I was being ‘chased’ by girls everywhere I went and it was nice for a little. I like the attention... but once the hookup was done, they’d move on and so would I. It was pretty miserable but it was what I was dealing with and then I got into a relationship and it was intense but it wasn’t gonna last. After a while I realized being single was better than being... I don’t know, vulnerable I guess...” he stopped to take a breath, leaning his arms on the table and resting his head there for a second before continuing, “when I saw you last night, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I didn’t want to lose you from my sight. When I did, even for a minute, I went crazy and then there you were at the bar and I was like.. ‘I need to do something. I need to get her to look at me...’ and then you did but you didn’t seem interested and I gotta tell you, my heart sank. And I had to work so hard for you to even consider dancing with me. So I did.. but it was like one thing after the other and I --”

  “Okay, calm down.. just.. breathe” you said, reaching out your hand to calm his nerves by placing it on his arm

  “You were just so beautiful. And your smile was the most intoxicating thing in that club and the light seemed to follow you everywhere you went. I knew if I didn’t try, I’d never meet you. I’d never know you and my life would be completely wasted if that happened. So, when you looked at me with those big, (Y/E/C), almost Disney Princess eyes, I knew I was in trouble. I knew I’d never get you out of my head...” 

  “And then I said ‘no...’”

  “Yeah, a bunch of times, and I knew that you knew about my reputation and I needed to prove to you, show you, that I’m not that guy. I don’t care what Instagram thinks about me or what the girls of Dallas think of me, I’m not that guy and the people I surround myself with know that I’m different than I was. I only let people see this side of me if I want them in my life...”

  “You want me in your life? You barely know me”

  “Then let me get to know you,” he pleaded, grabbing your hand with both of his, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone, or at least not for a long time...” You looked at him, holding your hand, eyes begging for an answer and you thought about it all for a minute. It was a lot and you couldn’t say that you weren’t flattered but you also couldn’t say that you weren’t hesitant. The last thing you needed was to let yourself feel something for Tyler Seguin for it all to have been some excruciatingly long joke.

  “How do I know that this is... real?”

  “I promise you, I’m trying to change.. I’m not perfect but I’m trying...” You squinted slightly at his answer and he tried to reassure you, “I want you. I know you know that I could probably go into a random bar and hook up with the first girl I meet but I don’t want that. I don’t want meaningless.. anything anymore. I want someone I can talk to for hours, someone I can share my insecurities and my vulnerabilities with. I want this. I want you.”

  “You’re very convincing..” you smiled

  “I’m serious” he said as he walked over to your side of the table

  “I still don’t know...” you followed his eyes as his head fell, “maybe we can take it one step at a time. Nothing too fast. Nothing too serious. Just step by step, day by day, minute by minute if we have to...”

  “Okay!” he exclaimed, standing up so quickly he reminded you of Tigger, “that’s just fine by me!”

  “Okay.. good. Because I make no guarantees that I’m actually any good at this...”

  “Too late.. I’m hooked.” He smiled and leaned in to press a light kiss your lips; you slowly returned the kiss before almost evaporating into it.

[flawlesspeasant]

Do you have any new Jolex fics to post or recommend?? Nobody has been posting any lately.

So here’s one I wrote (circa season 11 or 12...?) in which Jo confronts Alex about the way he treats her vs. the way he treats Meredith.

            _________________________________

Jo slid her hand down into the left pocket of her white lab coat and wrapped her hand around her pager as she leaned back against the silver metal bar that lined the perimeter of the elevator.  She sighed and pulled the pager from her pocket, sweeping a loose strand of her silky brunette hair away from her forehead and out of her field of vision with her unoccupied hand.  Upon seeing that she had no new pages, she crossed her legs at the ankles and rested the palms of her hands against the metal bar behind her.

The elevator dinged, and on the wall above the doors, the number “3” lit up in bright yellow fluorescence.  The motor that was in charge of making the doors pull back stuttered and just as the doors began to close, a pale white hand with hairy knuckles slipped through the crack and caused them to retract once again.  Jo clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes upon noticing the silver, expensive-looking watch on the wrist that belonged to the hand on the door; she recognized that watch and she knew exactly who it belonged to.  She took her palms off the metal bar and stood up straight, prepared to breeze right past him once the doors were fully opened.  The argument was still fresh, she still wore the irritation on her shoulders like a jacket and she’d rather walk up three flights of stairs than ride in an elevator with him.

Alex slipped through the elevator doors and stood directly in front of them, planting his feet firmly and making a bold statement with his demeanor.  He had been walking down the steps just as Jo was entering the elevator and he had to act quickly if he wanted to make his move.  Still out of breath from running down the steps to get to the elevator before it closed, Alex wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and folded his arms across his chest.

With a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head, Jo turned around and retreated back to the corner of the elevator she was standing in before she tried to run.  She knew Alex was trapping her and to a certain extent, she was trapped.  He was standing in front of the door, the doors were closed and for at least 45 seconds, she had to witness whatever it was that he wanted to say.  She didn’t have to listen, though, and to make her point, she kept her hands in her pockets and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling.

“Look,” Alex started, lifting his head upwards and giving a stern expression that Jo didn’t notice for the fact that she refused to look at him.  “I know you’re mad at me but we’re gonna have to talk about it sometime.”  Jo kept her eyes geared towards the ceiling, which made Alex suck his teeth.  “Alright fine, you don’t wanna talk about it?  You don’t wanna fix it?  Fine.  I did my part.”

Jo smirked to herself and let out a disgruntled, sarcastic chuckle.  “Sure you did,” she whispered, mostly to herself.  She cleared her throat and finally laid her eyes on him.  “You’re right.  I don’t wanna talk about it,” she shrugged.  Alex raised his eyebrows and tilted his head, clearly confused.  “I’m just tired of having this argument when nothing ever changes.”

“Because I’m not sure what you want me to change.   You snap on me all the time and you never tell me what your real issue is and then somehow you expect me to ch--”

“The way you treat me!”  Jo held her hands out and threw her head back, feeling her blood beginning to boil once again.  Their initial argument was at least an hour ago and up until this point, she was relatively calm again but the second she allowed her mind to wander, to revisit the very thing that had ruined her day in the first place, the anger was instantaneous.  “Don’t make it seem like I’m throwing all this on you out of nowhere when I’ve been telling you about the same thing since last year!  It’s not...random, Alex, it’s been the SAME thing!  And thought maybe you would’ve done something about it by now but obviously--”

“What do you want me to DO, Jo?!  What do you want me to say?  You want me to stop being friends with Meredith?  Not gonna happen.  I’m not going to--”

“I didn’t ask you to stop being friends with her!  I never asked that, I just want you to--”

“It’s not about what you want!”

“Yes, I know!  You’ve made that painfully obvious since the beginning.  I’m aware that it’s not about what I want and you know what?  Maybe I’m kidding myself at this point.  Maybe I’m stupid to think you actually give a damn about what I want.  It was never about what I want.  It was always about what she wanted then and it’s still about what she wants now.”

“Jo, there are things that you’ll never understand, alright?  She was there for me when nobody else was, she was the only one that ever gave me a chance and we’ve been through alot together.  She’s the only person--”

“I know that too,” Jo mumbled, tucking her hair behind her ears.  She cleared her throat again and made her voice the best impersonation of Alex’s she could offer, “She’s the only person that ever had your back, the only person in this world you can trust, yeah Alex, I know.  And you’re right, maybe I don’t understand.  But I don’t WANT to understand.  I’m not asking to understand...I just...really need to get away from you right now.” 

The elevator dinged once again and Jo heard the familiar sound of the motors buzzing.  The doors parted once more and on the other side stood two nurses that she didn’t recognize, their coats slung over their arms and their purses on their shoulders.  She side-stepped Alex but was quickly shut down by Alex putting his arm up and blocking her exit.  She glared at him with a clenched jaw, and Alex shrugged.

“Take the next one,” he mumbled to the two nurses waiting to get on and his own anger shot through the roof when the two women looked at him in disbelief.  “Take the next one!” 

The two nurses shook their heads at him, but eventually, they did as he said and walked away to wait for the next elevator.  Alex jammed his finger into the number “10” button, which was the highest floor and would allow him the most time, and let the doors close behind him once again.

“I need to get away from you, Alex,” Jo closed her eyes and tried to breathe through her nose to calm herself down.  “You really need to let me go.”

“No,” he put his hands on his hips and stuck his neck out.  Jo raised her eyebrows.  Was he telling her no?  Was he telling her what she could and couldn’t do?  As if she wasn’t angry enough.  “You run from your crap all the time.  You’re not running here.  You’re not running out on me.”

“Let me go,” she clenched her teeth and in her pockets, her hands involuntarily bawled themselves up into fists.  

Alex rolled his eyes at her and shook his head.  “You know what Jo?  If you really wanted me to fix it, you’d do more than just stand there with that sour look on your face.  I can’t fix anything unless you tell me how to.  I hate when you act--”

“Because it never freaking changes!  It never changes so I don’t know why I have to say anything to you when you don’t put forth an effort!  All you do is dismiss me and then tell me how much you care about me when in reality, you can’t be bothered to show it!  Why do I have to say anything when nothing changes?  I’ve been telling you about the same thing for a year!  A whole year!  Matter fact, longer than that!  And nothing I do ever changes a thing!  I put forth the effort, Alex!  I moved us out of that house because I wanted t-to BE with you!  Is it wrong for me to want to have you to myself?  Because if it is then...WOW, yeah I’ve been nothing but unreasonable.  I just don’t understand what YOU want me to say when nothing I say changes a thing.  We can have this argument a million times but it’s always going to be the same.  She’s still gonna be a bitch and you’re still gonna defend her so what’s the point here?”

“Stop calling her a bitch,” Alex mumbled and put his head down.  It was his only defense, the only thing he could say and not sound like a tool.  It was the only thing he even had to say for himself.

“No, I’m not gonna stop calling her a bitch because that’s what she is.  She’s been nothing but a bitch to me.  Everyone has.  But it’s always worse when she does it because she rules the roost and does so with an iron fist.  She’s a bitch and she makes everybody else a bitch.”

“She’s not a bitch.  She’s just--”

“God, don’t you ever say anything else?  You’ve already TOLD me about all the crap she’s been through.  It’s a sucky excuse and an even poorer explanation.  I’ve been through crap too and I don’t go around stepping on everybody else,” Jo folded her arms across her chest and sighed.  “...I’m not knocking her.  We all have our crap and we all go through it and I get that. But Alex...why is that license for you to feel obligated to her and not me?  I could’ve used somebody...when all that stuff with Steph was going down and everybody around me turned against me, I thought...I thought it would be okay because I still had you.  But..I didn’t.  I didn’t have you, and I still don’t.  But you know who did?  You know who does?”

Alex sighed and felt his shoulders slouch.  He ran his fingers through his shaggy, wavy brown hair and swallowed hard.  He had nothing else to say.  In truth, he didn’t realize just how much it bothered Jo.  He knew that she had an issue with some of the things Meredith did and up until today, he thought they were all corrected.  She didn’t like how Meredith came in the bed and kicked her out, it was resolved and hadn’t happened in a while.  She didn’t like how Meredith could just come in the house as she pleased without warning, and they moved out.  It was resolved.  He didn’t know just how much Jo was bothered by all of this...and he had no defense.  He had nothing to say for himself.  He sighed again and looked up at Jo, his heart dropping upon noticing the tears lined around the rims of her bright brown eyes.

“I’m just...juggling,” he said.  “I’m trying to be there for her and for you and--”

“You’re doing a crap job.”

“It’s hard, Jo!  It’s not easy!”

“It shouldn’t be!  It shouldn’t be hard!  It shouldn’t be tough for you to be there for the both of us. It shouldn’t be easy, but it shouldn’t be hard for you to be able to turn off the supportive friend and turn on the supportive boyfriend.  It doesn’t have to be hard, Alex.  You’re making it hard.  Just...let me know, okay?  Let me know where I stand.  Let me know...that she’s higher on the priority list than I am.  You’ve already shown it, just say it.  She’s a priority and I’m not.”

“That’s not--”

“It is,” Jo nodded.  “Meredith...oh, Meredith.  Let me make sure Meredith’s okay, let me make sure her kids are okay, let me make sure she has a shoulder to cry on.  Oh, Meredith’s upset?  Let me go cheer her up, let me go make sure she has someone to talk to.  But Jo?  Oh, she’s fine.  She’s only being ostracized by more than half the damn hospital, she only lost her best friend, but she’s pulling through!”  She tucked her hair behind her ears.  “I’m just the one you come home to.  Just the one you roll over to in the middle of the night and climb on top of when you’re hot and ready.  You show it plain as day...might as well own up and say it.”

“You’re being selfish,” Alex mumbled and Jo’s jaw immediately dropped.  “You can’t have me to yourself all hours of the day Jo, it doesn’t work like that.  You’re being selfish.”

“...I’M selfish?!”  Jo’s voice rose as she took her index finger and stuck it on her chest, pointing to herself.  Her arm trembled as anger coursed through her body, white hot and in the place of blood.  “Now I’m selfish?!  How selfish was I when I was holding your hand as your dad was dying?  How selfish was I when I was rubbing your back as all your friends, the one’s that have been through OH SO MUCH with you, voted against you?  But I’m selfish, right?  Selfish for wanting my boyfriend...if you’re even that anymore.  I’m selfish for wanting the man that I love.  You know Alex...some people…” her voice cracked as her eyes gave way to tears that she quickly brushed off.  She chuckled again and prepared for a dose of heavy sarcasm.  “Some women want..a ring, maybe?  They want to talk about having babies with the man they’ve loved for years but me?  No,” she shook her head.  “I don’t want a ring...I don’t wanna marry you...I don’t wanna be the mother of your babies someday.  Ii just want...to feel like you actually care about me.  That’s all.  And if that’s too much, then you know what else?  Just get me a boat.  Or an island, whichever one is cheaper.”

“Jo…”

“Just the boat, Alex.  The boat.  Or the island, I don’t care,” she shrugged her shoulders and as soon as the elevator dinged again, she wiped her face and prepared to leave.  

“Jo, when you said… ‘if I’m even your boyfriend anymore’...what’d that mean?” Alex turned and let his eyes follow her as she shuffled past him in a desperate attempt to get out of the elevator.  “What’d that mean?  You breaking up with me?”

Jo whipped around fast as she stepped off the elevator.  “I just want a boat or an island, Alex!”  She held her hands up and backpedaled, ignoring the stares she got from the nurses and passersby for yelling.  “That’s all I’m asking for.”

Alex watched her as she walked away.  He kept his eyes on her until the elevator doors shut again and she was nothing but a memory.  He still wasn’t sure what she meant and at this point, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  

He had no idea how to fix this.