#alcatraz vs the evil librarians

[lyss-overcomplicates-everything]

so I'm rereading Alcatraz Vs. the Evil Librarians (I last read this pre-covid) and I forgot how *funny* it is. Especially compared to, like, you know, the cosmere. It's like-

BrandoSandwitch writing the Cosmere: I will write an interconnected universe that is *so meticulous*

Branderson the Sanderson writing Alcatraz: so anyway, they opened the door to see small British dinosaurs about to be executed for being on the continent and failing to pretend to be beached fish.

[raspberry1w]

If I had a nickel for every piece of media I know in which two of the main characters are a couple, the girl being a white/silver haired sassy sword fighting warrior, who shares profession with one of her parents, and the guy being a dumbass who still some how comes up with most of their plans, and has rare power, and who can sometimes see a part of this power, and it looks like him but more evil and they got together when the girl was blaming herself for something, guy saying that it wasn't her fault and her kissing him after, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

[deadmountaindaughter]

brandon sanderson is great because i don't know of any other author who has written something where the phrase "tactical marriage" makes sense. no i do not mean "political advantage" tactical, i mean "battlefield strategies" tactical. yes this post is about alcatraz.

[book--brackets]

Summaries under the cut

Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman

The winter isn't ending. Nobody knows why.

And Odd has run away from home, even though he can barely walk and has to use a crutch. Out in the forest he encounters a bear, a fox, and an eagle - three creatures with a strange story to tell. Now Odd is faced with a stranger journey than he had ever imagined.

A journey to save Asgard, City of the Norse Gods, from the Frost Giants who have invaded it. It's going to take a very special kind of boy to defeat the most dangerous of all the Frost Giants and rescue the mighty Gods. Someone cheerful and infuriating and clever.

Someone just like Odd...

A Mango-Shaped Space by Wendy Mass

Mia Winchell appears to be a typical kid, but she's keeping a big secret—sounds, numbers, and words have color for her. No one knows, and Mia wants to keep it that way. But when trouble at school finally forces Mia to reveal her secret, she must learn to accept herself and embrace her ability, called synesthesia, a mingling of the senses.

Serafina by Robert Beatty

Serafina has never had a reason to disobey her pa and venture beyond the grounds of the Biltmore estate. There’s plenty to explore in her grand home, although she must take care to never be seen. None of the rich folk upstairs know that Serafina exists; she and her pa, the estate’s maintenance man, have secretly lived in the basement for as long as Serafina can remember.

But when children at the estate start disappearing, only Serafina knows who the culprit is: a terrifying man in a black cloak who stalks Biltmore’s corridors at night. Following her own harrowing escape, Serafina risks everything by joining forces with Braeden Vanderbilt, the young nephew of the Biltmore’s owners. Braeden and Serafina must uncover the Man in the Black Cloak’s true identity... before all of the children vanish one by one.

Serafina’s hunt leads her into the very forest that she has been taught to fear. There she discovers a forgotten legacy of magic, one that is bound to her own identity. In order to save the children of Biltmore, Serafina must seek the answers that will unlock the puzzle of her past.

Wildwood Chronicles by Colin Meloy

In Wildwood, Prue and her friend Curtis uncover a secret world in the midst of violent upheaval—a world full of warring creatures, peaceable mystics, and powerful figures with the darkest intentions. And what begins as a rescue mission becomes something much greater as the two friends find themselves entwined in a struggle for the very freedom of this wilderness. A wilderness the locals call Wildwood.

The Clique by Lisi Harrison

Enter Claire Lyons, the new girl from Florida in Keds and two-year-old Gap overalls, who is clearly not Clique material. Unfortunately for her, while they look for a new home, Claire's family is staying in the guesthouse of the one and only Massie Block—Queen Bee of Octavian Country Day School. Claire's future looks worse than a bad Prada knockoff. But with a little luck and a lot of scheming, Claire might just come up smelling like Chanel No. 19.

Meet the rest of the Clique:

Massie Block: With her glossy brunette bob and laser-whitened smile, Massie is the uncontested ruler of The Clique and the rest of the social scene at Octavian Country Day School, an exclusive private girls' school in Westchester County, New York. Massie knows you'd give anything to be just like her.

Dylan Marvil: Massie's second in command who divides her time between sucking up to Massie and sucking down Atkins Diet shakes.

Alicia Rivera: As sneaky as she is beautiful, Alicia floats easily under adult radar because she seems so "sweet." Would love to take Massie's throne one day. Just might.

Kristen Gregory: She's smart, hardworking, and will insult you to tears faster than you can say "my haircut isn't ugly!"

Swallows and Amazons by Arthur Ransom

Swallows and Amazons introduces the lovable Walker family, the camp on Wild Cat island, the able-bodied catboat Swallow, and the two intrepid Amazons, Nancy and Peggy Blackett.

Spy School by Stuart Gibbs

Ben Ripley may only be in middle school, but he’s already pegged his dream job: C.I.A. or bust. Unfortunately for him, his personality doesn’t exactly scream “secret agent.” In fact, Ben is so awkward, he can barely get to school and back without a mishap. Because of his innate math skills, Ben isn't surprised when he is recruited for a magnet school with a focus on science—but he’s entirely shocked to discover that the school is actually a front for a junior C.I.A. academy. Could the C.I.A. really want him?

Actually, no. There’s been a case of mistaken identity—but that doesn’t stop Ben from trying to morph into a supercool undercover agent, the kind that always gets the girl. And through a series of hilarious misadventures, Ben realizes he might actually be a halfway decent spy…if he can survive all the attempts being made on his life!

My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara

It seems Ken can't do anything right. He loses saddle blankets and breaks reins...but then comes the worst news yet: a report card so bad that he has to repeat a grade. How can you tame the dreamy mind of a boy who stares out of the window instead of taking an exam? Enter Flicka, the chestnut filly with a wild spirit.

Over the course of one magical summer, both will learn the meaning of responsibility, courage, and, ultimately, friendship.

Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson

AN ANCIENT RIVALRY REAWAKENS.

Everything I'd known about the world was a lie.

On my thirteenth birthday, I, Alcatraz Smedry ( yes, I got named after a prison, don’t ask ) received my a bag of sand . And then I accidentally destroyed my foster parents’ kitchen. It’s not my fault, things just break around me, I swear !

I thought the sand was a joke until evil Librarians came to steal it. You’re probably thinking, “Librarians are nice people who recommend good books,” but that’s just what they want you to think! It turns out they’re actually a secret cult keeping the truth from you―a hidden world filled with magical eyeglasses, talking dinosaurs, and knights with crystal swords!

Or so my Grandpa Smedry claimed when he suddenly showed up to rescue me. So now I have to go with him to invade the local library and get that sand back, before it's used to conquer the world. And Grandpa says how I keep breaking things is actually an amazing talent. There’s no way that can all be true, right?

Will I ever make it back home alive?

The Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton

Jo, Bessie and Fanny move to the country and find an Enchanted Wood right on their doorstep. In the magic Faraway Tree live the magical characters that soon become their new friends – Moon-Face, Silky the fairy, and Saucepan Man. Together they visit the strange lands (the Roundabout Land, the Land of Ice and Snow, Toyland and the Land of Take What You Want) atop the tree and have the most exciting adventures – and narrow escapes.

[threemoonwatchers]

Guys it just hit me Himalaya was inducted into the cult of evil librarians when she was 18. She could’ve still been a senior in high school.

I imagine she was just working part-time in a library, probably planning to go into library science in college, not suspecting a thing because why would she, and then one day she’s just minding her own business doing her AP calculus homework in the break room when someone suddenly goes “Hey kid. It’s time we show you something.” And take her back to the Secret Cult Area to show her EVERYTHING.

She can’t exactly focus on calculus after seeing a map of the world with three extra continents on it, (among other things,) and her geography grade goes down quite a bit after that, despite her being one of the top students before, because every time she looks at a world map now she can’t unsee the free kingdoms and it’s messing her up because she can’t focus on getting her homework done.

Himalaya wanted to be a librarian to understand how to organize information in order to make it more readily accessible to the world, only to realize that the reality of being a librarian is the exact opposite.

@thesmileystudio you like AVTEL and I’ve gotta share this with SOMEONE it’s bursting outta my brain rn (ironically enough I wrote this post on a trip to St Louis, which is funny if you follow my AVTEL fics for r e a s o n s)

[cauldroninthecrystal]

Finally!! I got this done!

There will be more screenshot redraws in the future, I’m so sorry this one too so long. Motivation for AVTEL right now just isn’t there :(

[inolienkiki]

I’ve never seen this one god-tier Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians joke mentioned by anyone, so I might as well explain it myself. For some reason, nobody seems to notice it, but for me it hit easily as hard or harder than the Gak thing from the last book.

So, ever since I learned about the Smedrys being named after prisons, I was waiting for a cousin named Elba. Not only would it make sense as a name and as a prison, I thought it’d be kinda cute and fit the style. Unfortunately, this never quite happened… but the fact that I had my eye on it let me catch EXACTLY why.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, Elba was the island on which Napoleon was imprisoned after his defeat. It’s a fairly well known prison, I think— at least, more well known than ADX or Kazan (right? Tell me I’m not missing important prison facts?) The issue here, which should stand out to any Attentive Readers- as Alcatraz might say- is that France doesn’t exist.

It’s never really addressed specifically, or explained in detail, but it’s sort of a recurring gag in the books. The entire concept and history of France, including the Napoleonic Wars, is a lie invented by Librarians. I should specify that this is canon, not just a joke, and not something Alcatraz made up in the one book where he pretends to be stupid. The world map at the beginning of the books is mostly focused on the Free Kingdoms, but if you take a quick look at the Hushlands silhouettes it’s pretty clear that France is missing.

So, no France, no Napoleon, no Elba. When I first noticed this, I was impressed by the level of detail that went into the continuity of even this dumb joke. And then…

(Ok, now that I’ve revealed this post as completely incomprehensible, spoilers below the cut.)

I went into book 5 with this understanding: no France, no Napoleon, no Elba. But fortunately— maybe even as intended, though I have no idea whether any of this is common knowledge— I had missed the point. Elba is the name of the island, not the prison, which has its own name.

So I was reading the Highbrary infiltration, processing Alcatraz’s complex feelings about cousin Dif, and then— I can’t remember where— someone finally addressed Dif by his full name. D’If Smedry. And immediately, dozens of alarm bells went off in my head. France doesn’t exist! Napoleon doesn’t exist! His prison on the island of Elba— the Chateau D’If— isn’t real! WHO IS THIS GUY??

An incredible experience indeed.

[bookfirstlinetourney]

Round 1

She awoke to a boxcar full of corpses, which was damn lucky, because it meant she now had a one-way train ticket to exactly where she wanted to go.

-Amber Skies, @cryptotheism

So, there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.

-Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians, Brandon Sanderson

Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree.

-Hogfather, Terry Pratchett

[the-lunatenebris]

Me: What do you mean? I do not have any obsessions, you’re crazy.

Also me:

[girlboss-malewife-gauntlet-melee]

ROUND 1 MATCH 3: EMMA/PAUL VS. ALCATRAZ/BASTILLE

Paulkins Propaganda: "THEYRE SO SWEET AND FUCKING STRAIGHT I LOVE THEM SM PLEASE"

Alcatraz/Bastille Propaganda: none

[sum-stimboards]

AVTEL Stimboard

Vampire-Bat-Stims Anniversary Event #4: Book Series I enjoy

📖-👓-📖 / 👓-📖-👓 / 📖-👓-📖 At long last, I'm continuing on this event

Alcatraz vs the Evil Librarians is by far my favorite book series

-🌈���Spencer (it/its)🐀🌈

[specificpollsaboutbooks]

Fiction Works with Footnotes

Round 1

2001 : A Space Odyssey :

he wrote notes for the whole series but 2001 is the most famous, one of the first hard sci fi to break into popular culture. clarke wrote in detail about the real world science and technology that inspired the story and was really optimistic about what the future would hold. it was written in 1968 when space travel and computers were new and emerging technology and much of it holds up today

The Dark Talent :

The author's foreword literally ends with "I've figured out how to use footnotes*

*Obviously, the world is doomed as a result. Oops."

other notable footnotes include

"*Other than, you know, eating bricks, glaring at passersby, and winning growling contests"

"*And don't say 'the French.' Everyone knows they're not real"

"*Note"

"*Wouldn't tennis be way more interesting with explosive balls?"

"*Besides, I really didn't want to make a habit of vaporizing my own clothing. Once in a series is my limit."

There's also a footnote that takes up more then half the page. I read this book in middle school and i think it changed my brain chemistry

[thesmileystudio]

AVTEL x Gravity falls anyone? Got any ideas?

@cauldroninthecrystal @the-lunatenebris ?

[cosmereplusshowdown]

LOSERS round 1 poll 3

[book--brackets]

[threemoonwatchers]

I caved y’all there’s a Himalaya playlist now whoops

Gonna be real most of this is based on my interpretation of how she might’ve been feeling pre-Knights of Crystallia and also I’m SERIOUSLY hyperfixating rn