#alas a self insert has shown up

[seafuren]

some vyn doodles in regards to some en and cn events...

[just-a-floofy-catt]

I took a bit of a break from posting cus im tired as balls atm lmao

But i wanted to atleast chuck something out today so heres the ref/original idea sheet of Avery, my fnaf sb self-insert/oc from a while ago :)

(Ive already kinda shown this b4 but now it just looks nicer)

(And has all the writing stuff below the pic in this post)

Also here's some bonus info on him and his role and all :)

• Hes a trans dude (he/they pronouns) that "is built like a twink and dresses like a femboy" (silly quote from my friend lmao😭), and has an extremely ambiguous voice - British accent btw (grew up in the UK, he moved over to his current residence and lives w a roommate who was his online friend).

• Hes can occasionally be a lil bit of a freak behind the scenes XD. Has indulged in alot of fanfiction, draws some questionable stuff for money and also generally can have pretty crude and vulgar humor sometimes lmao.

• Hes pretty creative with a long ass list of hobbies. Loves fashion and costumes, is an artist, avid sewer and just generally loves making things with his hands in his spare time (100% brings his crochet to work XD)

• Has almost crippling anxiety about literally almost everything.

• Hes very polite and tolerates alot of bullshit to avoid conflict, but inside he is 100% raging with the heat of 1000 suns despite the fact hes outwardly shaking enough to be practically vibrating. He will definitely talk shit about the situation to himself in great, excruciating, dramatic detail with alot of angry cursing later and then probably cry about it.

• The boi is a little try-hard that will do their job above minimum effort in order to get praise, or out of fear for getting in trouble.

• Hes typically empathetic to a fault and a straight up (un)qualified therapist.

• Oh, also, hes a raging insomniac.

- First got the job because art commissions were a little slow and, hey, a more reliable source of money at the time wouldnt hurt.

- He was always kinda curious about the place because the scary stories about it were fun to pick apart and he loved the designs of all the animatronics (pft furry).

- He showed up to the interview scared shitless but they hired him almost on the spot, much to his confusion, as he was probably less than entirely qualified for this sort of job.

- From his very first day, he showed up pushing the dress code XD. But, he was indeed wearing the uniform, so he was technically following the rules(THEY COULDNT DO SHIT TO HIM 🥰) (well they could) (but the understaffing issue was more prioritised).

- His coworkers genuinely have no fucking clue how he manages to give enough of a shit to put that much stuff on every morning. The fits are always very over the top, considering all he had to do was put the damn uniform on, but alas, he usually showed up in head to toe accessories and such. It's honestly the best way he can make himself go into work. If he's gonna work a kinda shitty job that doesn't fit his schedule that well and have to do it on barely any sleep, THEN FUCK YEAH HES GONNA DO IT WHILE LOOKIN GOOD. Thats his philosophy on it, atleast XD.

- At first while he settles into the job hes just given shifts in general areas, working joint shifts with more trained security guards or maintenance people or animatronic handlers (those were his favourites. He always got excited like a little kid when getting to see any of the animatronics) to get him used to the place.

Fazbear ent. Was clearly desperate for employees as they were almost always understaffed, but it seemed that they weren't willing to give many employees a strict job role. Rather, expecting them to be a jack of all trades as to try and fix that little issue.

This also happened to apply to Avery, explaining why he was given such oddly scattered and different jobs to settle him in.

- Even as he did start becoming independent, this didnt much change.

One night he could be watching security cameras in the office, the next he could be counting stock at a gift shop, the next he could be helping out with minor maintenance tasks on the robots (despite his ZERO FUCKING KNOWLEDGE ON THEM. Great job there Faz.Ent. Oh well. As time went on he did get atleast a little accustomed to it and managed not to electrically fry his no-robotics-degree-having ass. And he also gained a bestie in the Parts and Services Department, so that was pretty helpful too).

Shit was pretty damn good.

- Thats when they 'suddenly' decide that daycare security is necessary. Something about parents becoming increasingly weary of the odd 'Daycare Attendant' animatronic.

With Avery being their newest hire and most likely to agree to take the position, he immediately gets targeted.

- Now, Avery isnt fond of kids.

Theyre annoying little shits.

So the second he hears 'daycare' hes like "fuck no".

Not to mention that his uh... 'look' (that management had still protested until eventually giving up) would probably set off some entitled mothers or something, and he'd rather not have parents screaming in his face about it.

- Alas, hes eventually convinced into it, under the condition that he gets to stay behind the security desk and not be bothered at all.

- Theyve had security there before, after a few... incidents... but it seemed like they were putting him on a more long term intended job.

- Turns out, from what he can gather from coworkers, a few people have been assigned to the daycare in the past for multiple different roles, but noone really enjoyed it and everyone avoided the place as much as possible. Sun just generally freaked everyone out with that weird... desperation he always had (which was definitely a part of what the parents had also been complaining about) and Moon just scared them all shitless, with the night security guards always looking over their shoulder in hopes of not crossing patrol with him. Noone really downright hated them, some even felt sympathy, but most were just too unsettled to interact with them.

- Avery, being a bit of a pussy, is even further put off from the job by these sentiments.

However, he perseveres and dresses his best to try and convince himself that itd be fine (aka, that if he died atleast hed die pretty).

- The daycare actually had its own themed uniform alongside the plain guard uniform, as did alot of other places in the pizzaplex. However, since the employees were given a choice, basically everyone chose to not don the more whimsical fits, and instead just use their badge to show the specific job or branch they were supposed to be legally assigned to.

- Avery, on the other hand, fucking lived for that shit. XD

Styled it like a girlboss and walked into work at exactly 6.30am, 30 minutes before the daycare opened, prepared to look perfectly the part for his job.

- When he walked into the daycare (he avoided the slide... hm.. maybe if he ever has a night shift here....) and the lights were already on and bright enough to blind a bitch.

Oh well, their electric bill, not his problem.

- He immediately settled behind the desk, planning to keep his ass planted there for the next few hours with one earbud in, hidden under his hair, as he would halfheartedly watch the kids.

But...

Something felt off.

Really fucking weird.

He was definitely being *watched*.

Observed.

Ugh, creepy.

He ignored it, blaming it on lack of sleep.

And thats about as far as i got plan wise for his lil plotline XD

Yippee

[bardicious]

I posted 1,741 times in 2022

That's 516 more posts than 2021!

336 posts created (19%)

1,405 posts reblogged (81%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bardicious

@ichayalovesyou

@blaidd-gwyn

@olderthannetfic

@awkwardalphajay

I tagged 1,612 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#a bard a witch a witcher and a witchy princess - 485 posts

#witcher - 284 posts

#netflix witcher - 257 posts

#star trek - 246 posts

#where no man has gone before and then some - 232 posts

#not my art - 223 posts

#artist alley showcase - 217 posts

#the witcher - 118 posts

#bardicious personal entry - 108 posts

#fandom - 101 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#everyone is a creep in this story??? literally everyone wants to impregnate ciri??? and i still dont get why??? it doesnt make any sense???

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

477 notes - Posted September 27, 2022

#4

Y'all really had me believing that Marvel ruins the work of perfectly good directors, huh? Bullshit. Ryan Coogler has shown twice that when you're creative, smart, and respect your source material you will consistently make beautiful, fun, thoughtful, and funny movies.

As always, I applaud you Ryan Coogler for being one of the only decent creators in Marvel.

486 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

#3

See the full post

492 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#2

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chris Hemsworth, please, honestly GO FUCK YOURSELF. LMAO.

Okay, so, listen, this is honestly going to be the last I ever talk about this, but the fact that I've been proven right about this jackasses involvement in this whole affair has got me laughing!

In 2017, or the year previous, who the fuck knows, Chris Hemsworth got his friend, Taika Waititi to direct Thor 3. Thor Ragnarok, which heavily diverged from the cinematography and the lore of the previous two Thor movies. Chris Hemsworth decided Thor was too boring. He didn't like playing him anymore. He wanted to play someone new and fun. He wanted to play himself. And he got just that.

I'll give Ragnarok enough credit, that aye, I might be fooled into thinking there was some interest the title character. But after Love and Thunder? No, now I know I've been fooled into watching a costume party by Chris Hemsworth, his family, and his friends. Ding ding ding! What do we have here, Johnny?

A bottom tier celebrity making a franchise that not only was all about him - his character, but all about him!!! He's playing himself!

His daughter at the end of Thor: Love and Thunder, is his daughter in real life (she's cute, no diss). His two sons played younger versions of him. His wife was a wolf woman he made out with! His best friends Matt fucking Damon and Taika Waititi both star in the role and the latter directs it.

I'm sorry, but at what fucking point did I sign up for a lazy written fanfiction? Because that's sure as hell not what I thought would happen in Thor 1 or 2, or Avengers. And you know, I am still mad, because I enjoyed the OG Thor, I enjoyed the OG Loki, and Marvel and, wow, did it not pay off.

Alas, it's on me for watching any new Thor films (aye, listen, I gotta family here!), but I just wanted to tell anyone who ever said Thor is a walking self insert nowadays. You are completely and utterly spot on.

Applaud yourself.

PS. Full Review* -> Here

Have fun!

502 notes - Posted July 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

622 notes - Posted December 31, 2021

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

MY WHOLE ASS YEAR IN REVIEW. I'm either bitching about Marvel, gushing about Witcher, or reblogging Star Trek stuff. Quality year if you ask me.

[kimbap-r0ll]

I'm in a Illumi simp phase at the moment, so how would Illumi react if his S/O got in a death fight with someone who tortured her and experimented on her, so she has the backstory for Eri from MHA, and the background is: the reader has a ablitiy called rewind, you are able to rewind anything,

The reader has a ablitiy which is the quirk of Eri from mha, Her quirk rewind. Eri has a horn where she is able to use her quirk (quirk is a ablitiy, it's something she was born with, a ablitiy she was born with) by her horn.

Eri's quirk allows her to reverse a living individuals body back to a previous state, allowing her to make her target physically younger, heal injuries, and undo bodily modifications. She has even shown the ablitiy to rewind someone's body to a point before they existed.

The source of her quirk's power is located in the horn on her head, and the size of the horn dictates the strength of her power. It is also a accumulation-type quirk which means the power it emits has to build up over a period of time before becoming usable.

For example let's say someone can't use nen anymore but she can use her ablitiy and rewind and now they can use nen again.

So when the readers father held her, she accidentally rewinded him and her mother thought that she was a curse she didn't want anything to do with her, so she just gave the reader to hr father, the readers grandfather, the readers grandfather was the leader of a Yakuza and there was a guy that he took care of called Kai, he took care of him and raised him, the readers grandfather fell ill and told Kai to take good care of the reader, and than the grandfather died, then Kai took over the Yakuza and it was a DANGEROUS VER DANGEROUS Yakuza not your normal average Yakuza, no they were next level. And so Kai instead of taking care of her, starting experminting on her and all that and taking samples of her blood to do some crap or whatever.

So the reader got saved by some hunters. And she was so important and her ablitiy rewind was SO important that a bunch of pro star hunters went to her case they called 'the new case' and a group for them went to save her, yeah it was THAT big of a deal.

And she meets Kai again, and now she wants to kill Kai, her bloodlust and her aura and VERY high and dangerous. Illumi himself was tortured by the assassin training so how would he feel about his S/O literally WANTING TO KILL the guy Kai, completely. And she was made like he never has seen her before, that even Kikyo herself starting panicking from the readers aura. LMAO😭

And how would he feel about the ablitiy??

Honestly where do I even come up with all this??😭 These scenarios I swear.

Hey…is it time for another rant? Already in 2023?

I kinda don’t want to delete my tumblr because of asks but it’s things like this that make me upset. I’ve said before I don’t appreciate asks of this nature. The people that asked me in a few sentences (five ish?) have always been enough but last year when I started I was intending this blog to be for myself and for others to be able to see themselves through my writing. I want people to feel comfort through my blog and this doesn’t fit that goal. I am not a writing machine, and if you can already write this much then you can write the story for yourself.

The ask isn’t even that…interesting to me. It gives no creative room for me, it gives no imagination for the readers of my blog that have no interest in this specific scene. You literally wrote the entirety of the Chisaki Kai arc and Eri’s story in Bnha but with a few tweaks, I don’t think this works.

Should I make it clear I do not write ocs or self-inserts? I really thought I could go through a year on this writing journey without this problem but alas here I am facing the fifth or so similar ask of the same nature.

I’m sorry but anymore asks like this where you write the entire story and it’s extremely self indulgent I will not be entertaining.

With that, I will be closing asks tomorrow. I am a bit sick of this.

[trashcankharla128]

What fun! Also as I see it a lot of these issues have some origin in the whole 'Hermione as a self-insert/ avatar/ wish fulfillment' thing; which isn't bad at all in and of itself, but comes with it's pitfalls. Please know I am NOT saying any of these reasons mean the authors are 'bad' for doing it.

Draco always causing the break up / being overly apologetic: Agree! BOTH characters are canonically prideful, think they know best, and can be a bit spiteful. I think this stems from the "Reformed Draco" thing where people have him over-correct. IMO this is either pure self-insert wish fulfillment OR people feeling that Draco is soooo in the hole for years of overt prejudice & bullying he would've needed to do a full character 180 to ever work out with Hermione.

More than 1 conflict about the same thing: Agree! It could be done well if it's a 'characters are showing realistic growth & change' thing ex: backsliding, but very irritating when it's not addressed as such.

AGREE

AGREE

AGREE

Hermione limited parent grief: Agree. I think this might come from people not having experience with loss of parents/ a symptom of the ever present 'orphan MC' trope. If I try to picture what my life would be without my parents I come up blank. It seems like it might be one of those things that's too big to conceptualize until it actually happens.

Molly vs Narcissa as matriarch: Disagree (partially). I want to differentiate between matriarch & mother figure here. I think this tends to happen because Narcissa is canonically blood prejudiced & not just in a 'woe is me I'm a poor powerless woman caught up in my family's/ husband's actions.' Even in fics that paint her as doing self-reflection & reconnecting with Andromeda etc., I have a VERY hard time imagining a case where Hermione sees her as any kind of mother figure. I DO see her as expecting to be recognized as some kind of authority figure, aka matriarch. For Molly, even though Harry is the one who reported Molly's semi-adoption of him, that action establishes precedent for her as an 'adopter of orphans' which Hermione has become with the loss of her parents. I don't know that Hermione would latch on in the same way especially has Molly is likely quite different from her own mother, but I can 100% see Molly making 'mother figure' overtures.

Ron & Harry being too opinionated: Agree with the 'should' of it all, but alas there is precedent & as far as characterization goes it seems pretty in line. The boys tend to think alike & therefore are frequently SHOCKED and DISMAYED when Hermione does things they would never consider. This might be a Narrator Harry problem, but it often feels like the boys think of Hermione as 'just another dude' with different set dressing. I like to think that as they grow up they get a bit better about this, especially Harry via his relationship with Ginny.

Hermione's lack of outside friends: Agree! Especially as she gets into jobs and fields where she might find more people like her, and crucially gets some distance from the boys.

Bad breakups with exes: AGREE! Plus there's canonical precedent with Lavender, Cho, Viktor, etc. Plus It doesn't make practical sense. The wizarding world is small & insular. There are major class divides, but within these classes no one is burning bridges like that. You have to interact with them forever & everyone is only 1-3 Kevin Bacons away from each other. I think people tend to make Draco have bad breakups with Daphne/ Pansy as part of the "Reformed Draco" over-correction thing.

Hermione's lack of style: Agree! Plus canonical precedent. Hermione went through a lot of effort to look good for the Yule Ball, she shrinks her teeth & is shown to be upset by insults to her appearance (hair, teeth, etc.). I think this is an offshoot of Hermione as self-insert.

Brightest Witch of her Age: Wow! This has become so fanon I straight up forgot it was canon. But yes, definitely Agree!! I feel like the minister of magic thing might partially come from a lack of described & applicable background characters to fill the role?

"Unemployed" Draco: Alas, this is actually a thing. RICH rich people's money makes money for them & they often aren't directly involved in the process. The banks/ money managers basically handle all their investing for them. Thus with infinite income that requires no effort, people either fuck around & do what they want or pick up a career for fun. The only reason this might not be the case is if the govt. seized the Malfoy assets. However, the Malfoys were brought up on criminal charges unrelated to their wealth. Even if their assets were seized briefly during some kind of investigation, they would need to be returned. The assets might be temporarily inaccessible if everything was in Lucius's name & he was refusing to share/ disowned Draco or something like that.

Hermione virgin: Agree! Plus canonical precedent.

Obsessed Draco: Semi-agree. This is sort of situational for me. On the one hand, it often does seem very wish fulfillment-esque. However, in stories where Draco has full on left his old life, family, prior connections etc. behind it generally makes sense. Ya boy needs a life raft. In other cases it might be an offshoot of the 'excessive reforming' thing where people are thinking Draco would NEED to be obsessed with her in order to leave his prejudice behind.

Luna made fun of: Agree! Her friends should not be making fun of her! Affectionate comments on her oddity is acceptable, but mocking is a no-go & OOC for all characters I can think of that have a personal relationship with her. One potential exception coming to mind is Ron, but that's because (as I recall) he doesn't really have a personal relationship with her. They're more acquaintances/ friend-of-a-friend than anything. Of course, even with that said I can 100% see Ron saying something mocking about Luna to one of her friends, then turning around and aggressively defending her honor if someone OUTSIDE their extended friend group said something.

Can we talk about fic pet peeves?

I want to make it clear that this is not about a specific fic or author, but just some things I've seen in this fandom over the years. I've been reading Dramione for almost 15 years now and there are so many things that authors include that have become a pet peeve of mine.

This is not just exclusive to Dramione though, I have dabbled in other HP pairs before (e.g., Hansy, Theomione) and other fandoms (Gossip Girl, Elementary), and I have seen the same things there. I also have definitely come across some of these in published romance novels.

But this is a Dramione blog, so I will talk about them in context to this pairing.

Men being the cause of the breakup. So many times it's always Draco who messes up or says something horrible or doesn't "do enough". He is the one who has to repent and beg for forgiveness. Very rarely do you see a fic where Hermione is the one who is wrong and needs to apologize. And even when she does, it's always Draco who cuts her off and spins it around and makes him the bad guy who caused Hermione to be that way, and she doesn't actually have to work hard for forgiveness. Just a simple "I'm sorry" and he then says "no no, it's me....".

Having more than one conflict in a fic. Halfway through a story, the pair will have a major fight, which causes them to part. You then have a few chapters of them reflecting and then talking and making up. Then towards the last quarter of the fic, something comes up again and the characters react in the same way as before. You would think that they would have learned from the previous argument and not jump to conclusions and actually communicate. It feels like we are taking one step forward and 5 steps back. Why was this necessary? Why show your characters acting this way and show that they did not grow as people?

Focusing on so many other characters. I get that ensemble fics are a thing, but you need to say that in the beginning. You cannot just tag Draco and Hermione as the pairing, and then 5 chapters in, half the page is Harry and Ginny dialogue with no mention of the main pair. Let people know these things.

Speaking of other pairs, you need to tell your readers if you are gonna include scenes of Draco or Hermione having sex with other people. You need to tag these side pairings and say that we will read explicit scenes with Ron or Astoria or someone. We came for Draco and Hermione smut, not Ron or Pansy or Astoria or Viktor.

Since we are on the topic of tags. TAG ALL YOUR WARNINGS! So many times authors don't tag Rape/Non-Con!! Tag pregnancy difficulties, tag character deaths, tag the non-Dramione endings, tag violence, tag blood and gore, and tag any and all kink. Just tag things, it doesn't spoil the fic for people. Letting people know about things that may trigger them is not spoiling, it's human decency to let us know what your fic will entail.

Hermione's parents not being in the fic. Now I know Hermione sent her parents away before the war, but so many times you read about her not going back for them, not being able to retrieve their memory, then not wanting to be part of her life because of what she did. I understand it if this is a part of the fic, Hermione essentially grieving the loss of her parents. But what I have noticed is that most times author just have a throwaway line that her parents are not in her life, and it seems like it's not a big deal. Like oh well Hermione's mother is non-existent, but hey she has Molly now! Hermione's parents are not important in the HP canon, and it seems like authors feel the same, which is sad.

Molly being the matriarch of the trio. In canon, she kind of is because the stories are from Harry's perspective and he encounters the Weasleys and ingrains himself with their family, but she is always portrayed this way in fanfiction as well. As I mentioned in the previous comment, Hermione's mother isn't there so authors make Molly the mother figure for her, which is fine but authors make their relationship closer than what canon implies. But Draco also has a mother and most times we see Molly in the story more than Narcissa. I would assume that Narcissa would be the matriarch of that fic rather than Molly in a Dramione.

Harry and Ron being too involved in Hermione's life. Again this is fine, but it does get annoying to see fic after fic of them butting too much into her life and getting angry when she makes her own decisions. Friends should not try to control you, but guide and offer advice and be there if you fail.

Hermione not having friends outside of Harry and the Weasleys. I would assume that as they got older and got into the real world, they would meet new people and make new friends, not only stick to the same people they knew since they were 11. The Wizarding World is small, but we do have so many other characters in canon that you can use, it's okay to have Hermione become best friends with Padma, Luna, or Dean. You can have Draco even becoming bffs with Neville. He too is always stuck with Blaise or Theo and Pansy. Sometimes he doesn't have any friends and the fic only shows Hermione's friends.

If a fic starts off with Draco and Hermione having a relationship with another person, the breakup is always a bad one. People in real life have amicable breakups with their partners, it doesn't always have screaming and yelling and hatred. Most times this is used as a catalyst for the drama in a fic, but I would like to read a fic where Ron stays friends with Hermione and listens to her when she is talking about Draco, him offering advice or teasing her about a crush. It would be nice to see Astoria and Draco doing the same. And I say this as a huge "Ron Weasley Bashing" fan.

Hermione not knowing about fashion and makeup and having to rely on Ginny for help to get read for a date. Nowhere in canon does it claim that Hermione is like this, so how is this a common trope? I think this feeds into the "Hermione is not like other girls trope".

Hermione being the Brightest Witch of Her Age. In canon this is not a real thing, it is not an honorific that was bestowed on her by some sort of higher authority. It was something Harry and Remus said, it was their opinion. So having multiple people in a fic say this as though it is a proper title given to her annoys me honestly. Because when this happens, the fic always tends to have her being the only one who can solve the problem. So many people came before her and weren't able to do this particular thing, but Hermione somehow accomplished it without much help, with just a few books and at the ripe age of 24! These types of fics tend to have their characters fresh out of Hogwarts, so they are young but are able to become Heads of Departments! Can you imagine the 30/40-something-year-old who has been working for over 10/15 years in the ministry thinking it's only a matter of time before they get promoted to senior status, then suddenly this 20-year-old who just finished school walks in and gets the highest position without any experience or further education? I'd riot!

Draco not having a job. Many times fics have Hermione working hard in her career, but Draco is "in the family business" or "does investments". What does this mean???

Hermione being a virgin while Draco is the sex god. This trope feels sexist.

Hermione not doing anything muggle. This is similar to Harry in canon. It feels like Hermione forgot where she came from, and she doesn't care to go into the muggle world, or take Draco there.

Draco being obsessed with Hermione. Sometimes fics make his whole life revolve around her.

Luna being seen as weird. After all she has done and all she has shown to people that she is a smart, brave, very important friend to the trio, we still have scenes where Hermione and her friends make fun of Luna and her creatures. That is just rude.

This is all I can think of at the moment. I know this is a lot, but I kind of stopped reading fics for a while and as I managed Dramioneasks during this time, I would see new fics and just add them to my bookmarks. So I am now catching up on those fics and I feel like I am reading the same stuff over and over. Same tropes, same themes, same personalities, which is not a bad thing but it does give rise to pet peeves and thinking about older fics and how things haven't really changed over the last 15 years or so of my dramione life.

Again this is not from one fic or one author, but multiple fics and authors I have read over the years. Some of the fics I think are 5 stars have these pet peeves in them.

Do you guys agree with these? Do you have more to add? Leave them in the comments or send us a message. I would love to discuss and rant with you!

-Lisa

[aboutzatanna]

Rating All Of Zatanna’s Love Interests

Zatanna has had quite a few love interests over the years. Despite being a successful stage magician and a superhero whose saved the world dozens of time she can rarely land a second date.

Here is a look at nine of her most prominent love interests from Jeff Sloan to Barry Allen to John Constantine and how they rate.

1. Jeff Sloan

Jeff Sloan is Zatanna's earliest love interest and debuted back in Zatanna's back up feature in the short lived 1972 Supergirl ongoing. He continued to be her LI in Zatanna's second back u p feature in Worlds Finest as well as the 1987 Zatanna Special.

Jeff was her stage manager and bore a suspiciously strong resemblance to his creator Len Wein (gee, I wonder what that could mean?). Thankfully, Jeff never reached Terry Long levels of self insert creepiness. As far as love interests go though, he was occasionally funny and provided some levity. It was amusing to see a male love interest who is a dude in distress to a female hero. Maybe he should form a club with Steve Trevor and the Golden Age Larry Lance (Black Canary's love interest).

Jeff's problem though is that he is so darn helpless and useless against the type of threats that Zatanna usually deals with. At least Steve and Larry gets moments to shine but poor Jeff is like a leaf caught in a hurricane.

Behold, Jeff in his natural habitat:

Source: Adventures Comics #415 and World Finest #277  

Its funny the first couple of times but after a while it gets old.

Rating: 2 out of 5 top hats.

2. Flash/Barry Allen

Zatanna first met Barry Allen in Flash Vol 1 #198 in which she kissed him as part of her act. Then she teamed up with him and the rest of the JL in JLA Vol 1 #87 which could be summed up as 'that issue where everyone pervs on Zatanna'.

She expresses interest in him in JLA Vol 1 #100 and team up together in JLA Vol 1 #102 but she doesn't pursue him on account of him being married to Iris at the time.

That seemed to be it for them until JLA Vol 1 #187. Barry is going through a rough patch in his life, Iris was dead and his life was falling art, while talking to Zatanna he inadvertently inspires her to adopt a new costume, one that represents her own identity rather than her fathers or her mothers.

And then:

Its heavily implied they slept together but this was the early 80's and comics were still prudish about the subject of superheroes having sex lives outside of marriage. Nightwing and Starfire being shown in bed together in Perez/Wolfman NTT was a big deal at the time.

So naturally when we see them later on we are told that they only 'talked' all night. Talked so much all night and acted so awkwardly around each other afterwards that even other Leaguers were going, 'is there something going on between those two?'.

Source: JLA #190

Yep, human contact. That’s one way to phrase it I guess. 

There is certainly a case to be made for Barry and Zatanna. They are both legacy heroes, legacy is important to both their respective superhero families, one is a scientist, the other is a sorcerer and they have been teammates on the League for years. This was also pre-2009 Flash Rebirth Barry: a thoughtful, shy, scientist who works for the police and invents cosmic treadmills in his spare time but is too humble to brag about it. A comic book geek who became a forensic scientist because he was inspired by comics of his hero, Jay Garrick/Flash then later took the Flash name in his honor.  Not a crybaby who breaks the timeline every time he feels sad. Its a nice contrast to Zatanna who is a showman with a more outgoing and extroverted personality who was inspired and models herself after her father and her mother. Also, note that Barry is the one cooking their dinner. Was pre-2009 Barry a good chef? 

But alas the romance never came to be. Both of them were confused about their feelings at first but later on, Barry became interested in being with Zatanna but she wasn’t sure. Finally, the two of them hashed out their relationship in JLA #206 where they decided to remain just friends.

Interesting that it’s Zatanna who suggests they remain friends since between the two, she was the first to express interest in Barry. I guess it shows her growth and maturity in between the time she first flirted with him to this moment.  

Later on, in the Flash book  Iris was revealed to be alive and reunited with Barry. The latter however perished trying to stop the Anti Monitor in 1985's COIE crossover.

Zatanna and Barry's romance would never be brought up again but there were some winks towards it in the 2015 Infinite Crisis: Fight for the Multiverse comic by Dan Abnett:

Rating: 3 out 5 Top Hats

Also fun fact, Zatanna wasn't the only JLA lady wearing fishnets that Barry romanced with, he also had a thing with Black Canary in JLA: Year One:

And he’s shown to be a chef in this comic too.      

3. Blue Devil /Dan Cassidy

Dan Cassidy was a stuntman and gadgeteer working on a movie production when an actual demon, Nebiros,  appeared and fused him to his ‘Blue Devil stunt suit. This set Dan on the path of being a  reluctant superhero who is also trying to find a way to go back to being human.

The Blue Devil series by Dan Mishkin, Gary Cohn and Paris Cullins was notable for being light hearted and comedic in a time when comics were trying to be darker and more experimental. Much of it still holds up today.

Naturally Dan meets Zatanna through Superman in Blue Devil #4. He flirts with her a bit but unfortunately its beyond Zatanna's power to undo the curse put on him:

However, she still provides him guidance on what he can do and the two team up to take on a demon and she returns his flirting by kissing him in Blue Devil #5:

Source: Blue Devil #5

Spoiler alert; he didn’t (Dan, you fool!). Dan knows how to flirt but doesn’t know how to flirt back.  

She appeared again Blue Devil #13. Later on, the two were members of the magic team 'Sentinels of Magic' and worked together during events like 'Day of Judgement' and 'Blackest Night'

Dan naturally complements Zatanna and they have a lot in common. They both work in show business, they're both magic, they are both inherently light and fun characters so you can put them in either light stories or dark stories. There is also little chance of one overshadowing the other: Dan is a physical fighter with a power staff but has no knowledge or experience in magic. Zatanna was born into the world of magic, casts spells from a distance, is very knowledgeable about magic but has all the strength and durability of a regular human woman.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Top Hats

4. Dale Gun

Source: Justice League of America Annual #2

Dale Gun debuted during the Detroit period of JLA during which Aquaman disbanded the League after the Earth/Mars war and reformed the team with himself, Martian Manhunter, Zatanna and new members like Vibe, Citizen Steel, Vixen and Cynthia Reynolds. The team set up their new headquarters in Detroit.   

Dale was the guy who looked after and built their HQ and was the primary caretaker of Citizen Steel/Hank Heywood who had been experimented on since birth by his grandfather to become a super soldier.

And to Zatanna and Vixen, Dale was somehow the sexiest person on the team. Yes, sexier than Vibe the living vibrator or the alien shapeshifter or even the sad boy Bucky Barnes super soldier type who has been enhanced in every way possible. Nope, it was Dale Gunn: the balding middle aged dude wearing a neckerchief who oozed Idris Elba levels of sex appeal.  

Zatanna and Vixen, who were friends during the beginning of the run begin competing for Dale’s affections with Zatanna even growing jealous of Vixen. The competition was  settled in Vixen’s favor however: 

Source: JLA #239 

After this, the whole romance angle and love triangle is dropped. Vixen and Zatanna go back to acting like regular teammates and their mutual interest in Dale is never brought up again. Vixen is later seen flirting with Martian Manhunter and goes on a date with Batman while Zatanna got wrapped up in her own sub plot.   

I like Dale but this whole love triangle thing was nonsensical and not the best use of either Zatanna and Vixen’s characters. 

Their attraction to him was out of the blue and not believable at all. Maybe if Dale was adapted to live action and was played by Idris Elba or Michael B Jordan then I might believe that these two heroines would fall head over heels for him.     

Rating: 1 out of 5 Top Hats  

5. Joshua

Joshua debuted in the 4 part  Zatanna: Come Together mini series. He was the son of Marsha who was Zatanna's mentor in the series. The two were said to have known each other since childhood. Joshua is a musician and over all a pleasant guy in the series.

In the series, Zatanna has left behind her stage magic persona to work behind the scenes at a studio and she's dating a guy named Ron but their relationship is clearly set up to fail in the mini. Oh and there is a monster named Xaos from another mystic plane attempting to invade San Francisco and Zatanna has to embrace her mothers magic in order to beat it. Xaos is also credited with sinking Atlantis.    

After Zatanna's relationship with Ron falls apart, she ends up spending the night with Joshua and since this was published in 1993, creators were actually allowed to show them sleeping together:

So that’s what the title was referring to.

Later, Zatanna confronts Xaos with the help of Marsha and the Coven. However, Marsha dies during the final battle. As fun as the mini series was, this was an unfortunate example of the trope wherein a black character is killed off to serve the story arcs of the white protagonist.

At the end of the mini we see Zatanna and Joshua embracing each other at a fundraiser in Marsha's name.

Sadly, this would be Joshua's last appearance as he never showed up again. As far as love interests go however, he is a lot more likeable and pleasant than Jeff or Dale and unlike Barry, he is a character unique to her. He also doesn't suffer from the obvious author self insertion that commonly happens with Zatanna. Although you could argue that while Zatanna is subject to the Male Gaze through her love interests, Joshua is an example of a character seen through the Female Gaze.

The main problem with Joshua is that unless he inherited his mothers mystical powers, he would be a useless Dude In Distress like Jeff.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Top Hats.

6. Batman/Bruce Wayne

Batman and Zatanna had been teammates on the JLA for years and early on it was established that the Zataras had a mansion in Gotham City.

Perhaps building on that, Dini established in the 1993 Batman: TAS episode that Zatara had trained a young Bruce Wayne and that there was an attraction between the two.

In the comics, 2004's Identity Crisis did a number on Zatanna's character by revealing that she mind wiped (and in the process messed up) Dr Light plus several other villains and even mind wiped Batman for trying to stop it, all at the behest of other League members.

Writers couldn't agree on how complicit she was in it nor how remorseful she was about it.

It was Morrison writing her in Seven Soldiers and Paul Dini writing her in Tec that salvaged her character.

By establishing the childhood friendship in main canon in Detective Comics #833, Dini explained why Bruce was extra mad at Zatanna and he used his pet ship to bury the hatchet between Bruce and Zatanna.

Zatanna started falling for Bruce after he stayed at her bedside while she recovered from an injury. He turned down her offer of them being in a relationship and the two decided to remain friends in Detective Comics #844. The writers of Superman/Batman would occasionally hint that there was still lingering feelings between the two but in Dini’s work Batman was almost never mentioned in his Zatanna stories as she had quickly moved on from him.

Establishing that Bruce trained with Zatara also had a positive effect on Zatanna's character as it further highlighted that the Zataras had talent that even a mortal could learn and it became a major part of Zatanna's 2010 ongoing.

Zee/Bruce is a fun pairing, probably because of the contrasts between the two. They’re light and dark, both in costume and personality. Writers also play up Zatanna's lighter playful when around Batman. Plus her guest appearances in Tec is what paved the way for her long over due ongoing.

Unfortunately Zatanna and Batman can't be together for the same reasons as Barry Allen; they're both characters from two different worlds and Batman already has his own supporting cast and love interests.

Rating: 3.5 out out 5 Top Hats

7. Dale Colton

Source: Zatanna #1 (2010)

Dale debuted in Zatanna's 2010 ongoing as an ordinary police detective looking for her help in dealing with supetnatural cases.

Although at first it seemed like Dale was going to fall into the trap of being a nice but still powerless dude in distress like Jeff and Joshua but halfway through her ongoing it was revealed that Dale was the son of the series main villain Brother Night.

Unfortunately, Zatanna's ongoing was cancelled before we got to see this plot line unfold and while Zatanna was interested and Dale was a nice guy, we never got to see them actually become a couple.  

Rating: 2 out 5 Top Hats

8. Nightwing/Dick Grayson

Source: Young Justice #20

On the YJ show, Zatanna was aged down to Dick Graysons age and was on that worlds equivalent of Teen Titans: the Team. Her father was on the JL. Dick was immediately attracted to her and his flirting with her lead to the ship name ‘Chalant’. Dick also comforted her when her father became the host of Dr Fate, they both bonded over being separate from their parents and they finally kissed at the end of Season 1.    

However the two broke up off screen in between season 1 and 2 and Dick moved on to Barbara. Although the tie in comics (YJ #20)  imply that Dick and Zee had a friends-with-benefits relationship before Dick officially hooked up with Barbara.  As of this writing, no interactions between them in S4 yet.   

As far as love interests go, Dick is probably one of the most charming guys that Zatanna has hooked up with. However, I think deaging her takes too much away from her character. All her canonical friends and relationships are with the League, not with the Teen Titans. Then you run into the same problem as Batman and Barry Allen in that Dick has his own world with his own supporting characters and an even messier romantic life than the aforementioned heroes.  Even on YJ, Dick and Zee broke up off screen so writers could pair him with Babs, his canonical love interest.      

I have to bump off some points for this pairing since so much about this pairing happened off screen and I don’t think this pairing told us anything new about Zatanna’s character or developed her in new or interesting way. At least her relationship with Bruce brought a greater focus on the Zatara’s non-Homo Magi stage talent and also fixed the mess  from Identity Crisis and even her relationship with Barry also put a lot of focus on her growth and maturity.      

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 Top Hats 

9. John Constantine

Zatanna and John Constantine were first seen in Swamp Thing #49-50, in which we found out that the two were exes who attended tantric studies together. This triggered Giovanni’s ‘protective Dad’ instinct as he came along to the fateful seance against the ‘Great Darkness’ that resulted in his death.   

Zatanna and Constantine were seen later in Books of Magic #2 where he entrusts her with protecting Tim Hunter (a boy destined to be the most powerful mage of all time) and in an issue of Hellblazer where John celebrated his 40th birthday. The two characters became much more closely intertwined after Nu52 when they were made members of Justice League Dark.    

John Constantine is a horror character with film noir and rock influences. He is a con man who outsmarts demons with his wits but his involvement with the supernatural often ends up having horrific consequences for those around him.   Post Nu52 he is basically ‘magic Batman with a British accent’ and the guy DC pushes as their answer to Marvel’s Dr Strange.

Constantine is the character that Zatanna is associated with the most these days but unfortunately, the relationship has been the most corrosive for her character as a whole.  One common thread that you’ll notice about all of Zatanna’s love interests listed so far here, is that they all have an element of author self-insertion and wish fulfillment. Simply put, Zatanna is hot as hell so writers can't resist pairing her with their favorite male character and John is no exception to the rule. However, none of the pairings listed so far has been as damaging to her character to the extent the relationship  John has been.   

The first time Zatanna was ever fridged, i.e a female character killed off to propel the story arc of a male character happened in JLD: Apokolips War in which she was killed in order to save John. Of course, at first we were told he ran away scared but then later we are told ‘oh no, she put a spell on him to make him run away, she was only pretending to scream for help while being eaten alive’ but this again, brings up the other problem of her just being an ancillary for John’s character. This is not limited to just the JLD movie.    

 I became a fan of Zee thanks to Paul Dini writing her in ‘Tec and her own ongoing which lead me to read all her appearances chronologically from her first appearance to JLD. The dip that Zatanna’s character takes when Constantine enters the picture is very obvious.    

To put things in perspective, Zatanna was created in 1964 and John Constantine debuted in 1985. That’s a 20 year difference. During those 20 years  she went from a young adolescent looking for her missing father to becoming one of the most powerful, useful members of the League who helped saved the day numerous times and had a strong patrilineal and matrilineal heritages. She had also been chairwoman of the League whom even Superman respected.  When Moore paired them in Swamp Thing #49-50, it was because John was a new character and he wanted to entrench him into the DCU and to add an element of human tragedy through the deaths at the seance table and the fracturing of John and Zatanna’s relationship.

There is an element of manipulation in those issues; John  tricks Baron Winters and Sargon into being at the seance, Mento also had no idea what he was getting into and it’s very likely that he was counting on Zatanna’s residual feelings for him and Zatara’s protectiveness to bring them into the seance.  At the end, Mento was driven insane, Sargon and John Zatara dies and John is off to the side having a smoke while Zatanna weeps over her fathers remains.  Hell, I think Zatanna did more to make up for and mourn for Marsha’s death in ‘Come Together’ than John has ever done for Zatara and Sargon’s deaths. 

“Hooray! We saved the world! Oh shit that’s right, I got her daddy killed in the middle of it. Sorry, didn’t notice. Welp, time to have a smoke!”  

(Why did he even drag them into the line of fire if he was betting on Swamp Thing to save the day anyway?)

In Books of Magic #2, John’s attitude towards Zatara’s death is basically ‘oops, I got her dad killed’ and Zatanna is uncharacteristically affectionate towards him in the book. She is kissing him and hugging him. I’m not saying she should have hog tie him and hurl lightning bolts at his face but would you still have affection for a man who is indirectly responsible for getting your father killed? Dini handled their interactions much better in Zatanna: Everyday Magic, she doesn’t hold a grudge against him but she is not pining for him either and it’s a rare story wherein Zatanna saves Constantine instead of the other way around. It helps that Everyday Magic is a story told from Zatanna’s pov while BoM #2 was from Tim Hunter and Constantine’s pov.  

  “Hey babe, sorry about your Dad and we haven’t talked since but you obviously can’t resist the smell of a trenchcoat that hasn’t been washed in a week and a breath that’s like a chimney. I need you take care of this kid real quick.”  

But what bothered me the most about BoM  wasn’t how she acted around Constantine but when she endangers Tim Hunter by taking him to a seedy magical bar where they are promptly ganged up on by all the evil magical characters. Then suddenly Zatanna, whom at that point has seen everything from  alien invasions to multiversal threats to otherworldly demons that threaten the world,  is suddenly paralyzed by fear.

 All so John can show up and look cool as he drives all the demons away. We get a patronizing, ‘ooh I could have handled it John’ moment from Zee but in the moment all we see her do was freak out.  (Books of Magic is a must-read for anyone interested in magic whether you’re a DC fan or not, just know that Zatanna’s characterization in it is flawed and weak so is Jim Corrigans.) 

This continued on to the otherwise excellent ‘Zatanna: Come Together’ mini in which Zatanna, at one point, bemoans ‘if only John were here, he would have figured it out’.

 Again, makes no sense when you consider her non-John history and it just creates the false impression that she is somehow inferior to John when it comes to magic.  

Normally, these ‘off’ moments can be ignored. After all, Zatanna was frequently guest starring in various titles and in big events, if she is not playing a support role, she would at least have a cameo appearance to show how all the magical characters were reacting. She helped rebuild Metropolis after it was destroyed in Adventures of Superman, she was bringing light, heat and entertainment to people while the sun was dying in Final Night,  she kept babies alive during the White Martian invasion in Waid’s JLA run, she and Tempest were the main magic guys in Obsidian Age, she was a part of events like ‘Day of Judgement’, “Green Lantern: Rebirth’, ‘Identity Crisis’, ‘Infinite Crisis’, Alex Ross’s Justice, ‘Blackest Night’ and in 52 weekly series #50 she is the one who figured out how to defeat Black Adam and she lead the magic brigade against the army of hostile Kryptonians in ‘World of New Krypton’. 

Constantine was in Hellblazer, a series that was largely walled of from the rest of the DCU and out of the 300+ issues of it’s original run, Zatanna only appeared once in it.   

Surely, DC isn’t going to wipe out her entire history and relationships just to turn her into an ancilary of John Constantine? Well..... they did.      

Once Nu52 rolled out (which funnily enough was kicked off by Barry Allen breaking the timeline), Zatanna is treated like a glorified red shirt who gets taken out to show how powerful the threat is. In the past, she figured out how to defeat the Demons Three on her own (JLA#206), in JLD vol 1 she could barely hold her own against them.  Her own knowledge of magic and power is treated as second rate to that of Constantine. In JLD Vol 1 #0, she is nothing but a love interest who stands on the side while John and Nick Necro fight over her.   

The end of DCeased can be summed up ‘Zatanna and all the other magic users stood back as John Constantine used their powers to stop Trigon and save the day’. Not just Zatanna but every other magic user is treated as a second rate chump who has neither the wisdom or experience to use their powers and only John is worthy enough to save the day.   This is the case in Injustice as well where John takes more of a leading role than Zee who has actual history with the League.       

Or this lovely gem from DC New Talent Showcase (2016) in which he says something ridiculously upsetting to Zee:  

But of course we find out that John Zatara is in hell and Constatine has to keep it a secret. He’s the one who’s really suffering here. 

“Look babe, I know you’re upset about your daddy and all but I hope you understand that the one hurting here the most is me. I’m the one whose suffering!””  

You might argue that Zatanna and Constantine are not meant to be a healthy relationship, if that’s case why can’t we get a story where she moves on from him like Harley did with Joker? Why pair them in stories like Bombshells making them seem like a forever couple?  Why is this relationship, that is ultimately a small part of her entire history, suddenly the thing that defines her entirely? Why is DC acting like the only Zatanna stories that matter the most are the ones with John Constantine in them?    I sure would love to see Zatanna’s mother, Sindella’s story being updated and modernized especially since her story is what introduced us to the Homo Magi. I’m glad Rebirth brought back her connection to Batman and Wonder Woman but I also want to see her friendship with Ray Palmer and Ralph Dibney brought back too as well as her own supporting cast (Mickey and Zachary) and villains and possibly have other love interests too.  That’s part of why I’m doing these posts, to show Zatanna as a whole character and not as an add on of John Constantine.     

This pairing has also lead to this notion that Zatanna has a bad boy fetish, which is plainly not true, if you so much as glance at her on panel relationships. Sure she said falls for losers in Seven Soldiers but that was during therapy when she had hit rock bottom and she comes out stronger in the end.  The reason why she can’t land a stable relationship is due to how crazy the magical world is and how few can keep up with it.  Ultimately, it’s more bullshit meant to justify the JohnZee pairing even at the expense of Zatanna’s own character.  

Also, if writers want to write Constantine as a  morally ambiguous character, they should commit to it, no glossing over, back tracking or excuses or any such bullshit..  

Whether it’s JLD Apokolips War  where its ‘John didn’t really leave her to die screaming for help while she got eaten alive, she put a spell so he can escapes, see, she’s just being a good little cog in his story arc’ 

Or in the latest JLD Vol 2 #13 where we learn than John Constantine used to magical dirty work for John Zatara which just screams ‘see! John is even less indirectly responsible for John Zatara’s death! Zatara wanted to be there! It’s all planned!”  

“That’s right girl, forget about your other friends or trying to do anything by yourself. You’re only as useful as I need you to be, you’re nothing without me.”  

And while Giovanni has never been the perfect parents (just ask Oscar Hampel or Zatanna herself), DC now has to taint John Zatara’s character as well just to keep ramming this horrible pairing down our throats?    

And of course, the scene is topped off by Zatanna saying that she hates  him but she still has to rely on him to save the day because she can’t on her own. Of course, that’s been the subtext their entire relationship during both volumes of JLD. That Zatanna is weak, ineffective, lacks the necessary knowledge, needs Constatnine to advice her and even keep her power in check like in the JLD movie and that no matter how many times John lies to her, keeps secrets from her or manipulates her (like in JLD Vol1), she can’t save the day without him. What a terrible way to treat a heroine who used to be one of the most powerful and effective members of the League.   She is now reduced to being little more than a pawn, a plot device in her father and Constantine’s schemes.    

And even after defeating the Upside Down Man and becoming leader of JLD, Zee is still taking a backseat with John in more of a leading role.

 “Justice League Dark? More like Constantine and his bitches! Am I right?”

Source: Justice League of America (2018) #63

In the same run, UDM is possessing her so she can’t use her powers and while in the past, she has shown to be useful without magic, she has to once again take a step back to let John handle it: 

“HA! I was just kidding. I know you cant do shit by yourself. That’s why’re you with me. Why don’t you sit you pretty ass down there and watch how a real magician handles this shit.”  

Source: Justice League of America (2018) # 59 

(I don’t complain about Zatanna not doing much when she guest stars in Impusle, Streets of Gotham or a Superman book but if she can’t be shown at her best in a book that’s set in her element and where she is meant to be one of the leads then that’s a problem,imo) 

And for some reason she keeps her possession by UDM a secret, which I can only imagine was for the drama and once again she is shown to be useless, reckless and ineffective as a leader.  Who wants to bet that  Zatanna and Khalid will mess up their plan to defeat Merlin and Constantine would swoop in to save the day?    

TL;DR: They took a heroine who was basically DC’s answer to Marvel’s Dr Strange and turned her into a discount version of Scarlet Witch and Jean Grey. Hell, I think even Scarlet Witch gets a better deal these days.  Zatanna got a raw deal and not enough people know or care about it.  Also why does every major story arc on JLD read like an Extended Play of ‘American Gothic’ and why does magic have to be dark all time?     

The best thing that could happen for both characters is if they each went their separate ways in separate and never mention each other ever again.   

Anyway, this is getting long but I had to get this off my chest and taking all of this into account, I think I’m justified in giving this pairing the lowest rating.     

Rating: Negative 50 out of 5 Top Hats 

Good day.

[padfootastic]

Wolfstar stans always say that Remus was OOC IN Canon!!! I mean wtf?? delusional lol. Fanon Remus is a mary sue who suffers and pines after cruel hottie Sirius and then Sirius comes to his senses and runs after his moony, begging for scraps of his attention and ofc James is completely ignored by sirius or they fight over poor hurting remus lmao their Fanon is what is so OOC. I think they self insert into Remus so they can catch the popular Hot bad boy who they can "cure of his bad ways"

hello anon 💜 i see we have awoken to choose violence today (nice) so i’m putting this under a cut so remus fans can skip this one.

yeah i’ve seen that too and i always have to scroll past while making faces because,,,im not here to start shit lol but oh god it’s such an annoying position. like ok, i’ve called canonical behaviours ooc too (cough harry in CC cough) and it’s entirely possible i was wrong, but the remus thing is just. wilfully ignoring everything we know about him? (again: caveat here is if you don’t care about canon, then go for it w/o trying to do critical canon analyses. no harm, no foul)

but here’s the thing, right? remus as we know him in canon is a serial manipulator, liar, gaslighter, and coward. like, this has been shown multiple times. i’m not making it up. in my mind, his actions in dh were absolutely not ooc. they just followed the pattern that had already been established so far. and i feel like so much of his characterisation comes from not wanting to engage with that kind of darkness (because even acknowledging it means your dynamic is changed). i’ve read a few excellent fandom analysis posts on here, actually, about how characterisation of wolfstar has changed over the years (decades?) as the average readership/writer ship has gone from middle aged to younger. apparently, it used to be much more dysfunctional and grittier earlier, dealing with the darkness on both sides. it was interesting. but anyway, yeah, i see it happen with regulus/jegulus too sometimes (even if i can’t comment on it since i’ve barely interacted with that content) where you deliberately turn a blind eye to things because if remus is a coward or bad at relationships, then u can’t actually write that fluffy AU u want. which…isn’t fun. because fanfic is about writing all the fluffy AUs in the world ykno?

but what that’s ended up doing is completely transforming his character into someone barely recognisable to those who aren’t in that particular niche (although,,,it’s not exactly niche is it?) and just. idk. i’m rambling now lol but it just really frustrates me because i cannot escape it. and it always treats sirius so badly. remus is just the most sympathetically written character, even when he’s being an absolute asshole, and sirius can’t breathe without being whacked over the head with it. i hate how much he’s scapegoated, honestly. like, i think i’d be fine with the mary sue-fication of remus if sirius wasn’t so defanged in the process but alas, it isn’t to be.

also that’s such an interesting point because i’ve often thought the same about remus being a self insert tbh. i was talking to someone and they said something along the lines of ‘james & sirius as the hot, rich, privileged characters aren’t relatable as much as remus, who’s poor & tortured & misunderstood, so u have people flocking to the latter’ and that combined with the ‘i can fix him’ energy just,,,really shines through sometimes lol. not so much on tumblr (where i barely interact) but i’ve seen it so much in the mwpp fandom on twitter, and a bit on tiktok. it’s very projection-heavy imo (which like, not a judgement. i’m clearly a projection heavy writer too)

[franki-lew-yo]

The Romantic (2009, R, Gothic Fantasy/Horror), aka the most forgotten animated film in the world

What if I told you there was a movie under serious threat of becoming lost media with no clear reason as to WHY it's been lost other than no one has apparently watched it besides me and a few people on Reddit? What if I told you that movie wasn't half bad and would no doubt have some interest peeked if anyone DID know about it?

The name of that movie is The Romantic.

It was released in 2009 and it's Rated R for nudity and sex scenes [insert Robbie Rotten meme here], though none of it too graphic. It was a pet project created by animator Michael P. Heneghan, originally starting as a flash project for his animation class before he expanded it into a feature film. The film was inspired by movies such as The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, but what I see every time I look at it is a touch of Jhonen Vasquez, Tim Burton, and Roman Dirge- the guy behind Lenore the Cute Little Dead Girl. It's flash animation especially remind me of the puppet-rigged toons of the 2000s (again like Salad Fingers or Lenore). It's not bad, it's just not inherently 'feature film' quality flash, nor is it exceptionally artistic like Sita Sings the Blues in it's simplicity. Like, really, if you happen to find this thing it's not the worst animated project at all it's just amateur for a professional production. I've seen worse flash movies. Heck, if The Romantic were released in separate parts on youtube or Newgrounds as a series (ala Homestuck) I'm sure it would have been really successful and totally in it's element. But it wasn't.

Because next to no one has seen it and I'm lucky to have not only ever seen it when it was available for free but have also found it recently (hush hush, I ain't telling you how) I'm going to actually give you all a plot synopsis under the cut. There will be some details I leave out and I think I've spelled some characters names wrong. It's a bit of a surrealist film as well, so you might need some things explained.

Spoilers ahead:

The Romantic is set in an autumnal, surrealist world inhabited by humans and monsters and ruled by three gods; Po the goddess of love; Pik the god of Hate; and Pjorrc the god of time though Pjorrc was made to live inside a pumpkin moon as everything he touched rabidly aged and died.

((Tapestry art featuring the main three gods of the film.))

A young man (called “Romance” or “The Romantic” by the other characters) performs a bull sacrifice in order to summon Abbledepopa, the unseen creator of the other gods and ‘storyteller’ of the world. The sacrifice does not conjure Abbledepopa but, when Romance spares a monster that was ready to eat him, the monster tells him of a profit named Patience. Patience is a foul-mouthed dwarf living alone with an army of babies who points Romance in the direction of Po.

((Romance outside of Patience's house.))

Romance wants the god’s help because he has fallen out of love with his girlfriend. Po grants him his desire and restores his love only for Romance to return home and find his girlfriend with another man. Blinded by heartache and rage, Romance kills her. He then swears vengeance on the gods for ‘making’ him do it. In the midst of this vow, a corrupt prophet called Fat Daddy kills the queen of Vauxhaul (Romance's home) and her guards, and forges a new body for his newborn son with their bodies. Fat Daddy rallies the townsfolk behind him in supposedly finding the Queen’s murder into follow a new religion called "The Poetic End".

((Romance (right) besides the monster he spared at the beginning of the movie.))

Patience accompanies Romance on his quest and tells him to take Po’s mask, which hides her true face, once he kills her. Romance buys Po’s trust by weaving her a tapestry that tells her story: in the dawn of time Po and Pjorrc were in love. However, Pjorrc gradually became distant and Po became resentful when their daughter, Love, earned Po's original title as the god of romance and love.

In the present day, Romance sleeps with Po for over a year before finally killing her and taking her mask. He and Patience return to his home of Vauxhul only to be chased out by Fat Daddy’s personal army. They flee to Marshallton, the town nearest to the god Pik.

((Romance's hometown of Vauxhul. ))

The king of Marshallton, King Crookie, tells Romance of a prophecy he, Patience, Fat Daddy and all the gods are a part of and that the world is soon to change. Romance then fights and successfully kills Pik when he shows the god of hate his reflection in a mirror King Crookie gave him, but not before losing his hand to Pik.

When Romance comes down the mountain he learns from Patience that nine years have passed since his fight with Pik began. Patience reveals to Romance what Pik saw in the mirror that allowed Romance to take the killing blow; after Love had grown up and married, Po asked Pik to tell her where her husband was always running off to. Pik reluctantly revealed Pjorrc was disguising himself as a human and married a mortal woman. Po found Pjorrc and his pregnant second wife, forcing Pjorrc to leave his human family behind, but not before asking his wife to name their son “Patience”. In retaliation for his treachery, Po proceeded to sleep with fifty men and produce the fifty bastard children in Patience’s house.

((Fat Daddy, the main villain.))

Marshallton and the entire rest of the world has fallen to the rule of Fat Daddy, who captures Romance and Patience. Fat Daddy tortures Patience into telling him how to get to Pjorrc but is unable to convince Romance to take part in his ‘new world’ or give him Po’s mask. Romance and Patience escape and leave the village to be torn apart by the fifty babies Po had, now transformed into veracious monsters after Patience didn’t feed them for the past ten years. Romance confronts Patience when he realizes the latter is Pjorrc’s son. Patience calls Romance out on his mantra of vengeance and points out that all his decisions are his own, not the gods, and instructs him to seek Love herself in Po’s basement. Patience then attempts to confront Pjorrc but is cornered and killed by Fat Daddy before he can do so.

In Po’s basement, Romance finds Love nailed to a wall, her face torn off and half eaten by her deformed husband. Love tells Romance that Po ripped off her daughter’s face in rage over Pjorrc’s infidelity and Pjorrc did not intervene fast enough. Po then threw Love into her basement, turned Love’s husband into a monster, and wore her daughter’s face as a mask - which Romance had broken into pieces moments ago after Patience had shown him his face in King Crookie’s mirror. Romance then finds Pjorrc hanging himself. As he dies, Pjorrc tells Romance to take the hand Fat Daddy had cut off and sew it onto himself, which will in turn help Romance defeat Abbledepopa.

Romance traverses the wasteland and does not find Abbledepopa, but instead a golden loom. Having seen all the destruction he and others had caused, Romance sits upon the loom and accepts his fate as the new ‘storyteller’ of the world, as he begins weaving a new one...

---

I mentioned before the animation quality of the film and why maybe that caused people to overlook it. The only other thing I could complain about on a technical level with The Romantic is it's sound design. Some of the voices and music is a little too quiet and so all these key details I had to go through the film a few times to really piece together. But that leads me to the thing I like about this movie and I'm sure others would to: the lore.

It's very hard to create a new fantasy world w it's own customs, religions, history and rules out of the blue as any YA Harry Potter/Hunger Games ripoff book could tell you. The Romantic is so unique in how it handles the pantheon and culture of these three gods and their kin; really only four or five characters throughout the entire story aren't connected to the gods or prophecy in some way, as there's the main three gods, Abbeldepappa, and the prophets Patience, Love and Fat Daddy, who make up your main cast besides Romance. There's a lot that's intentionally left unexplained and other info that must be explained, like Pjorrc and Po's marriage and Romance's feelings towards the gods, if we want to understand the former. The movie is paced pretty well and knows when to follow up on what, it's just that again some of those animation and editting shortcomings might make it hard to understand...but I don't think THAT hard. Look, if someone can enjoy Starchaser: The Legend of Orin or even better surrealist world-building films ((Fantastic Planet comes to mind)), then I say there's no reason The Romantic wouldn't have a following. There's no other way I can articulate why and what doesn't work about the story except just to recommend you watch it yourselves, but before I get into that I want to talk themes...because I love the themes and tone of The Romantic.

I revisited The Romantic a week before I made myself watch Centaurworld and The Owl House for the first time...and what a week that was~! The Romantic has the vibe of those kinds of shows along with Adventure Time and Infinity Train ((so I hear, I haven't watched the latter)). It's surreal and you'll only marvel at 'woooah wut an acid trip' for so long before you get into the vibe of the universe. It also reminded me substantially of the Broadway musical Hadestown and not just because this movie is also a self-contained, somewhat self aware fable about the relationships between humans and gods - it's very raw in how the characters talk. It's very emotional and blunt in how kind and how cruel they can be, and it doesn't make excuses or really worships any one of them. Romance himself is the world's most likable Incel: he murders a woman he thought he needed to love and blames his emotions on the gods of those passions...except the gods AREN'T the manifestations of love, time, and hate - they simply dictate and oversee it in the lives of men. It's a dynamic I really like in religious works where Gods are powerful but not all knowing or puppet masters to everyone's design- they have morality too and there is only so much you can blame and get from them.

"You made your gods into excuses and your excuses into gods!"

-Patience. This here is a cool quote. I like this quote.

No matter what, The Romantic is not gonna be a film for everyone. We all have our tastes - I think I'm drawn to it and accepting because I've come to love these kind of worlds that used to keep me up at night - these trippy 70s inspired fantasy landscapes given a whole Avatar: The Last Airbender degree of worldbuilding and character worth. It also doesn't feel exploitive in it's violence, it's sexuality, it's grimmness - it doesn't feel like it's trying to hard or going over the top because it happens to be an adult animated film, something that I love in movies like 9 or Hair High but really turns me off in stuff like Sausage Party or Wizards. Whatever go watch The Romantic...

if you can.

-----

When I first saw this film in 2016 it was actually very accessible and was even uploaded to youtube by the creator himself. I don't know WHAT happened to Michael P. Heneghan, but simply put, the man's disappeared...like...REALLY disappeared.

Lookit his IMDB. He has The Romantic and a wapping two other projects to his name. His Twitter isn't very helpful either. He last updated in early 2020 and he says next to nothing about The Romantic. It's so odd that he would one day be happy with the film enough to host it on Vimeo and Youtube but then just cop out.

According to a Reddit user: "On Valentines Day 2011, Heneghan released the film for free online through all kinds of platforms including direct download, bittorrent, Vimeo, and even directly through Archive.org. He even joked about releasing a 300 gig uncompressed version.

I know I watched it on Vimeo probably as recently as 2016. Now I can't find it anywhere. The website is dead, the Vimeo video went private, even the archive.org version has been taken down. It really looks like he wanted to wipe it off the face of the internet. His newer website mentions it, but again, the Vimeo link is dead and even that website is closed for business."

It's weeeird. What happened Michael?

And yes, obviously, other people worked on the movie.

No - I can't find out anything about them either.

I'm betting on three theories at the moment: 1) this film is an SCP or some Candle Cove weirdness with only me and a handful of people ANYWHERE remembering it, 2) something weird is going on w Michael Heneghan and it involves too something about this film. It was a scam or a scheme or a hidden agenda weirdness, 3) Heneghan's doing okay he just doesn't like this film anymore and wants it hidden while he takes a break.

Look, I get it Michael! What was once our life's worth can become cringe as you improve as an artist - you're not the person making the stuff you were ten years ago...but you should still have the film kept alive somehow. Someway.

I'm seriously the only person to have ever made fan art of this movie on the internet. That just doesn't happen, and I don't think I like being in a fandom of one. The Romantic is a testament to the power of design and storytelling > animation quality itself. Too often I see people equate good animation with smooth animation, with a budget with squash and stretch. These animations are good but art is diverse and there's so many kinds of films out there, the value of the medium can't just be in one style/form. There's a lot of honestly wonderful pieces of art out there if you know where to look and you're willing to see where it leads you.

Don't let The Romantic be the most forgotten movie of all time. Reblog this post. Show it to your friends. PM the animation community reviewer people like Saberspark and someone who isn't Saberspark and smuggle them a copy.

Keep telling the story...

[uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

When banned from using "trivially" in a proof...

“Hello all. In a fellow mathposter's topology class they were not allowed to use the word "trivially" or any synonym thereof his proofs. The person presenting his work then crossed out "trivially" and wrote instead "indubitably." This inspired him to write a program that will insert condescending adverbial phrases before any statement in a math proof. Trivially, this is a repost. Below is the list--please come up with more if you can!

Obviously

Clearly

Anyone can see that

Trivially

Indubitably

It follows that

Evidently

By basic applications of previously proven lemmas,

The proof is left to the reader that

It goes without saying that

Consequently

By immediate consequence,

Of course

But then again

By symmetry

Without loss of generality,

Anyone with a fifth grade education can see that

I would wager 5 dollars that

By the contrapositive

We need not waste ink in proving that

By Euler

By Fermat

By a simple diagonalization argument,

We all agree that

It would be absurd to deny that

Unquestionably,

Indisputably,

It is plain to see that

It would be embarrassing to miss the fact that

It would be an insult to my time and yours to prove that

Any cretin with half a brain could see that

By Fermat’s Last Theorem,

By the Axiom of Choice,

It is equivalent to the Riemann Hypothesis that

By a simple counting argument,

Simply put,

One’s mind immediately leaps to the conclusion that

By contradiction,

I shudder to think of the poor soul who denies that

It is readily apparent to the casual observer that

With p < 5% we conclude that

It follows from the Zermelo-Fraenkel axioms that

Set theory tells us that

Divine inspiration reveals to us that

Patently,

Needless to say,

By logic

By the Laws of Mathematics

By all means,

With probability 1,

Who could deny that

Assuming the Continuum Hypothesis,

Galois died in order to show us that

There is a marvellous proof (which is too long to write here) that

We proved in class that

Our friends over at Harvard recently discovered that

It is straightforward to show that

By definition,

By a simple assumption,

It is easy to see that

Even you would be able to see that

Everybody knows that

I don’t know why anybody would ask, but

Between you and me,

Unless you accept Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem,

A reliable source has told me

It is a matter of simple arithmetic to show that

Beyond a shadow of a doubt,

When we view this problem as an undecidable residue class whose elements are universal DAGs, we see that

You and I both know that

And there you have it,

And as easy as ABC,

And then as quick as a wink,

If you’ve been paying attention you’d realize that

By the Pigeonhole Principle

By circular reasoning we see that

When we make the necessary and sufficient assumptions,

It is beyond the scope of this course to prove that

Only idealogues and sycophants would debate whether

It is an unfortunately common misconception to doubt that

By petitio principii, we assert that

We may take for granted that

For legal reasons I am required to disclose that

It is elementary to show that

I don’t remember why, but you’ll have to trust me that

Following the logical steps, we might conclude

We are all but forced to see that

By the same logic,

I’m not even going to bother to prove that

By Kant’s Categorical imperative,

Everyone and their mother can see that

A child could tell you that

It baffles me that you haven’t already realized that

Notice then that

Just this once I will admit to you that

Using the proper mindset one sees that

Remember the basic laws of common sense:

There is a lovely little argument that shows that

Figure 2 (not shown here) makes it clear that

Alas, would that it were not true that

If I’m being honest with you,

According to the pointy-headed theorists sitting in their Ivory Towers in academia,

We will take as an axiom that

Accept for the moment that

These are your words, not mine, but

A little birdie told me that

I heard through the grapevine that

In the realm of constructive mathematics,

It is a theorem from classical analysis that

Life is too short to prove that

A consequence of IUT is that

As practitioners are generally aware,

It is commonly understood that

As the reader is no doubt cognizant,

As an exercise for the reader, show that

All the cool kids know that

It is not difficult to see that

Terry Tao told me in a personal email that

Behold,

Verify that

In particular,

Moreover,

Yea verily

By inspection,

A trivial but tedious calculation shows that

Suppose by way of contradiction that

By a known theorem,

Henceforth

Recall that

Wherefore said He unto them,

It is the will of the Gods that

It transpires that

We find

As must be obvious to the meanest intellect,

It pleases the symmetry of the world that

Accordingly,

If there be any justice in the world,

It is a matter of fact that

It can be shown that

Implicitly, then

Ipso facto

Which leads us to the conclusion that

Which is to say

That is,

The force of deductive logic then drives one to the conclusion that

Whereafter we find

Assuming the reader’s intellect approaches that of the writer, it should be obvious that

Ergo

With God as my witness,

As a great man once told me,

One would be hard-pressed to disprove that

Even an applied mathematician would concede that

One sees in a trice that

You can convince yourself that

Mama always told me

I know it, you know it, everybody knows that

Even the most incompetent T.A. could see,

This won't be on the test, but

Take it from me,

Axiomatically,

Naturally,

A cursory glance reveals that

As luck would have it,

Through the careful use of common sense,

By the standard argument,

I hope I don’t need to explain that

According to prophecy,

Only a fool would deny that

It is almost obvious that

By method of thinking,

Through sheer force of will,

Intuitively,

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that

You of all people should realize that

The Math Gods demand that

The clever student will notice

An astute reader will have noticed that

It was once revealed to me in a dream that

Even my grandma knows that

Unless something is horribly wrong,

And now we have all we need to show that

If you use math, you can see that

It holds vacuously that

Now check this out:

Barring causality breakdown, clearly

We don't want to deprive the reader of the joy of discovering for themselves why

One of the Bernoullis probably showed that

Somebody once told me

By extrapolation,

Categorically,

If the reader is sufficiently alert, they will notice that

It’s hard not to prove that

The sophisticated reader will realize that

In this context,

It was Lebesque who first asked whether

As is tradition,

According to local folklore,

We hold these truths to be self-evident that

By simple induction,

In case you weren’t paying attention,

A poor student or a particularly clever dog will realize immediately that

Every student brought up in the American education system is told that

Most experts agree that

Sober readers see that

And would you look at that:

And lo!

By abstract nonsense,

I leave the proof to the suspicious reader that

When one stares at the equations they immediately rearrange themselves to show that

This behooves you to state that

Therefore

The heralds shall sing for generations hence that

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times,

Our forefathers built this country on the proposition that

My father told me, and his father before that, and his before that, that

As sure as the sun will rise again tomorrow morning,

The burden of proof is on my opponents to disprove that

If you ask me,

I didn’t think I would have to spell this out, but

For all we know,

Promise me you won’t tell mom, but

It would be a disservice to human intelligence to deny that

Proof of the following has been intentially omitted:

here isn’t enough space in the footnote section to prove that

Someone of your status would understand that

It would stand to reason that

Ostensibly,

The hatred of 10,000 years ensures that

There isn’t enough space in the footnote section to prove that

Simple deduction from peano’s axioms shows

By a careful change of basis we see that

Using Conway’s notation we see that

The TL;DR is that

Certainly,

Surely

An early theorem of Gauss shows that

An English major could deduce that

And Jesus said to his Apostles,

This fact may follow obviously from a theorem, but it's not obvious which theorem you're using:

Word on the streets is that

Assuming an arbitrary alignment of planets, astrology tells us

The voices insist that

Someone whispered to me on the subway yesterday that

For surely all cases,

Indeed,

(To be continued)

[darkeninganon]

you can kill yourself too idm

Oh anon..... (tw under the cut)

I tried that once, but people who love me talked me down. :) Tell me, what does that say about you and I that You tell a stranger who you know nothing about to die, and said stranger has friends that love and support them, thus preventing them from dying?

If you ask me, it says that only one of us has screwed up morals; and it's not me and my friends.

Alas, this is the problem with you anons. You see yourself as morally superior, unquestionably pure and 100% right. You come into my inbox, accuse my friends of heinous things, accuse them of ableism, and then deny me the proof I ask for?

that's not how this works anon.

You made the accusations. You need to provide the proof. This isn't fiction anon. Unlike C!Sam, C!Tommy,C!Techno, C!Wilbur, Atem, Yugi, Yubel, and C-ta you cannot get away with things like this without being called out, providing proof, and without there being consequences for your actions should you be shown to be spreading falsehoods.

Suffice to say, my friends and I don't make our mental health struggles 100% public, and it's for good reason. That reason being: It's not your fucking business. For all you know, one of us could be physically disable and use writing as a way to vent our frustrations, with a character we like being disabled and in a similar predicament. We could have suffered abuse and use a character we identify with as a self-insert to tell ourselves that we aren't alone. We could have sexual trauma from something that seems completely innocuous to you.

What matters here anon is that you are trying to dehumanize us, and I won't let you do that. You may think I'm angry, but really, I'm just a sleep deprived bitch. LOL

[ifeveristoday]

I got out my DVDs for this rewatch (that’s not actually a big deal. I only have season 3 on DVD. 😂) so let’s get to it.

I forgot they did a cold open for this episode!

I know it’s for ambiance but man does Angel have a lot of candles displayed. Probably too ‘mainstream’ for his taste but the thought of Angel furtively going to a Bath and Bodyworks in the mall during their semi-annual sale and just buying out their whole candle selection gives me the purest joy. Let’s be real though, Angel would shop at some boutique/hole in the wall owned by a wizened old character with a twinkle in their eye and everything marked up 20%. Or it would be a steel and glass monstrosity with a collection labeled Candles for Men. That’s the range.

Back to the enormous fire hazard that this scene is -

Wait. Does fire burn on stone?

Shout out to the stunt doubles.

I think that Angel getting food for Buffy for a sort of alfresco picnic while training is really sweet, actually. Also, can't miss the opportunity for both carbs and phallic symbolism ala bread.

Everyone is so embarrassingly horny in this moment. I'd say get a room except they're in a whole giant mansion.

Always remember the bread! What did Angel do with the food after Buffy fled? Fed the no-doubt cursed pigeons that live in Sunnydale.

Thanks for the workout (insert stereotypical dirty laugh).

Oh yes, the awkward 'let's talk about your birthday without mentioning the last birthday you had at all because it's horrifying' chitchat. God, the anxiety Angel is radiating here and Buffy trying to smooth it over. You can't unfrost that trauma cake!

Angel, you utter dork. You're lucky Buffy finds you pretty. Very powerful himbo energy here. And it's nice to see some light-hearted flirting/banter between them.

How do you know when someone's aura's dirty? Buffy is only asking the reasonable questions everyone has.

Do you hear yourself, Giles. "I'm aware of your distaste in studying vibratory stones..." I can't imagine what that section of the Slayer handbook looks like. Are there pull-out charts?

Faith being conveniently gone for this episode. Boo, hiss.

That workout really did a number on Buffy. I see what you're doing with those crystals.

One of the sad parts of rewatching Buffy is that you just don't have the first time discovery feels of watching it - that magic is gone, but even though I know why Buffy's wobbling in her fight, the reveal is still upsetting. Thinking about how in Season 5, when she does get staked, just as she's questioning her powers - and here, where she's losing them.

Also, obvious observation is obvious - the sexual violence imagery is really, really blatant here - with the vampire crouched over her with the stake aimed toward her heart, just as she playfully staked Angel earlier in a more romantically set scene.

AND THEN THE THEME KICKS IN. Like, damn! Three minutes and you can pretty much tell what the plot is going to be - Buffy and Angel's UST is getting out of hand, Buffy's lone Rangering it, and something is wrong with her. And it's her birthday.

And Buffy's resourcefulness saves the day.

Perhaps you shouldn't be throwing knives in the library, Buffy.

Did they do a geography lesson on Cuernavaca? It's also just fun to say. Like La Cienega. Brief moment to ponder yet again about a show set in Southern California, actually shot in Southern California, with the huge Latine population we have and the Spanish-influenced names and culture and - getting sidetracked by all this casual 90s racism.

"We do it every year for my birthday," except your seventeenth, presumably because of the murderous ex-boyfriend stalking the town you live in and all your loved ones. [Or, he did take her and it was not shown on screen!] Sometimes I wonder if the continuity editors just go, you know, I'm going to let this one go for the 'emotion' and not just so years later, a Virgo with a deep-seated need to obsess over throwaway details will go into a thought spiral to make it make sense.

I think this is also the last time Hank Summers was spoken of with any real affection because then he was Deadbeat Dad for the remainder of the show. Oh, look. The Scoobies are surprised about the traditional birthday ice show that I'm going to nitpick about forever.

Oz is so supportive, and then the clunker of a 'deep' line of ice being cool because it's water then it's not. I do like the Whedonesque school of dialogue, but sometimes you gotta reel it back. I remember the dialogue on Dawson's Creek was getting pinged for the teenagers talking like grad students.

Quiet reflection. Oh you poor girl, you have no idea.

Quarterly projections - is a convincing filler phrase for when you don't need to know what the job is, because it's boring but sounds vaguely official. What does Hank actually do? Who cares! He's an asshole.

Sunnydale Arms, because of course, Sunnydale has a broken down abandoned murder hotel.

Quentin Travers. Boo. Hiss.

The scary music is very scary. Also one of the Council flunkies looks like a very young Vincent D'Onofrio.

This scene with them in the library is so bittersweet because Buffy is fishing for Giles's attention as a father figure substitute ("very sophisticated people go!" breaks my heart) and he pointedly is rejecting this for training talk.

Look for the flaw at its center. THE FLAW IS YOU GILES. YOU YOU YOU.

it's just so terrible, this scene because of how methodical and clinical it plays out. And Buffy is just not there, and then Giles smiles like nothing has happened.

Buffy makes it through another night - next day (another reason why this trial is so horrifying is that it takes place over several days - it's not on Buffy's birthday but leading up to it, so the idea of her getting weaker and weaker and unable to fight to make it to 18 in the first place) and it's time for the Cordelia has had enough of toxic masculinity scene!

Also, Willow blithely ignoring a person's feelings and treating Amy as just a rat is played for laughs and cuteness, but yeah...you can't treat people like puppets or rats [law and order sound]

I love Cordelia's coat. And also, while it does suck that she stood him up, he's not entitled to her time or attention and certainly not to threaten her. Go, Cordy! Fight like a girl! Yes! Pummel him into the hallway.

I also love Willow's outfit here because I think the colors are so complementary and warm and it's a cute outfit. Okay, the knit wooly hat is a bit too Blossom-esque, but whatever.

Buffy is tiny, we all know this, but I do think they purposefully dressed her in larger than her size coats in this episode to make her look even more tiny and vulnerable.

Giles is TOO BLASE for this scene also shut your mouth about throwing knives like a girl

"It's an archaic exercise in cruelty." SO WHY DID YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, BRAIN TRUST. (I am going to be very mean to Giles this whole rewatch, deal with it.)

"But I'm the one in the thick of it." No, you're not. You are going to be adjacent to it, at best.

Hey it's that guy!

Okay, in better lighting, flunkie does not look like Vincent D'Onofrio.

It's impossible to pin down one type of Vampire in the Whedonverse, except for the delineation between Grunt Bait Vampires, and Special Guest Star/Master vampires, but Kralik is the only other example of a vampire with mental illness besides Drusilla, yet he's medicated. Makes me wonder how exactly they got Kralik...he was a monster before he was a vampire, but who vamped him? I don't put it past the Watchers to have vampires created for this purpose.

Curse against lawyers!

Xander and Oz bonding over comic books is so fun. I regret they didn't really get closer until after Xander and Willow cheated because Oz was the one male friend Xander had.

They mentioned her birthday! Thinking about Buffy's love of poetry later on, this is a nice little detail, and it *is* a thoughtful, sweet gift. Also those poems: horny. Oh yes, maybe in a restrained way, but Elizabeth Barrett Browning knew what was up.

The Buffy and Angel relationship in season three is full of these starts and stops that I can see why and agree with others about how it's frustrating on a number of levels. They know why they can't be together, but they still try to find a common ground because they want to need the other one. They still have their identities to figure out - Buffy as the slayer and a young adult, Angel as a person, separate from Buffy and being Buffy's ex sort of maybe.

But this conversation in Helpless is genuinely sweet and a glimpse at what a normal couple at the crossroads would talk about - I think I'm also being soft on this because the other Important Male Figure in Buffy's life in this episode lets her down so spectacularly bad, that Angel being supportive and kind in his awkward way is a nice respite. It's good to be away from the angst and the horror that their relationship has had.

And the self-aware puncturing of the Moment between them is something Buffy does very well. "Taken literally, incredibly gross - I was just thinking that too". Look, it's cute and soft and I will allow it.

The horror of this episode (and there are so many) is that we have to watch Buffy become the helpless blonde in a slasher flick who is being chased by the monsters and she can't do anything about it - that she has to be rescued or die. That the real world with men catcalling and bystanders who ignore women's cries of distress is far scarier than the literal demons that inhabit the town - and Buffy brokenly saying she can't just be a person, she can't be helpless like that [like women are, still, today] is a gut punch. It's uncomfortable and unhappy because Buffy is supposed to be the hero, the [sigh] strong female lead who can kick ass and take names, and this episode is all about finding who Buffy is, separate from her super powers. Also an exercise in emotional torture, but must be Tuesday.

The physicality - the weakness that both Buffy and Giles display in this scene is so, so good. The way Buffy's hand trembles toward the needle in the case and the dawning realization of what Giles has done, has chosen to do - and he bloodlessly tells her what the Cruciamentum is.

Her tiny little "Liar."

GOD WHY DIDN'T SHE GET AN EMMY (rhetorical we all know genre tv only matters if it was Game of Rapey Thrones)

"You will be safe now, I promise you." LIAR.

Another puncturing a heavy moment - Cordelia as cavalry - I love it. Cordelia taking the most obvious approach to the situation - 'oh Buffy might have lost her memory, well he's Giles,'

I can't believe they robbed us of a conversation in the car scene with Cordy and Buffy.

Kralik had to have found a polaroid camera and a metallic sharpie for this whole scenario -- OH I KNOW WHO HE REMINDS ME OF. The Night Stalker and any number of serial killers that terrorized SoCal. Is the show being self-aware of the problem with mothers and parents in general?

Probably a glib accident.

I don't have much to say about the part where Buffy hunts Kralik because it's so masterfully done with the atmosphere and music.

Nice of Giles's backbone to enter the chat now.

This is not business. Ooo.

Buffy's "I thought I killed a man" emo overalls!

Like it's shadowy, but there's still enough light to see facial expressions. Lighting guy, I salute you.

Little red riding hood metaphor. Oh, that's so her stunt double.

CREEPY SEXUAL VIOLENCE REARS ITS DEFORMED HEAD AGAIN

Jump stair scare. I remember the first time I saw it, I jolted in the living room.

Serial Killer Shit. Why are vampires such drama queens?

THAT'S RIGHT, BUFFY DID THAT

The ending scene in the library is cathartic in that Buffy gets to stand up for herself finally, and recognizes what Giles gives up by helping her, delayed as it was, also there's the feeling of hate punching Quentin Travers via your eyes.

Still don't think she should have forgiven Giles so easily, but we don't get to see a lot of aftercare for Buffy when she gets hurt, and it is a very tender scene.

The Scoobies are being way too upbeat if they knew about the fact that Giles poisoned Buffy, which is why I'm assuming she told a very abbreviated version of events ending with Buffy killed the bad guy and Giles got fired, oops.

Xander's big strong man comment and then looking immediately to Willow to open the jar and not Oz...

I could watch this episode again with episode commentary from David Fury, but another day.

[iridescenceoflove]

picture me (just like this) - Chapter 2/2

Still for @lnc2 (I know it's no longer strictly Marichat, but I don't think you mind some Ladynoir). :D 

AO3 + FFN

Summary: Chat Noir’s finished Ladybug’s gift. 

She didn't forget about the photos.

(Or what they meant to him.)

Chat Noir on his part hadn't uttered a single word about the project or any plans for a gift exchange to Ladybug—unlike his usual M.O. of telling her anything and everything under the sun that didn't possibly have to do with identities—so she easily deduced that it was indeed supposed to be a top-secret surprise for herself. Of course, that wasn't exactly a possibility at this point. (Not that Chat had to know such.)

He did, however, try and show Marinette the finished product, and whilst it was extremely tempting to agree, she'd forced herself to impose some sense of curtailment on her eagerness in the end. So instead, she'd insisted on waiting until Ladybug saw it, as it would be more special and intimate for her to be the first one to see it before anyone else. She'd figured she already technically ruined her own surprise, so the least she could do was wait and keep as much suspense as she could—even if there was a desperate desire to just sneak a little peek.

(But he'd sounded so giddy over the phone about it; so she could be patient for him.)

That didn't mean she arrived to patrols without bated breath and searching eyes. According to Tikki, her patience sucked.

Eventually, he showed up one evening with the precious little cargo tucked underneath one arm, and she had to contain the urge to squeal and make grabby-hands.

"What's that?" she blurted as his boots touched the rooftop.

According to Tikki, her acting skills sucked too.

Chat made a show of glancing down confusedly. "You mean this?" He gave it a little shake.

"Yeah, is it a gift?"

Tikki may have been somewhat right.

Chat didn't seem to notice though. "Maybe. Maybe not," he wheedled, rocking on his heels.

"Well, it sure looks like a gift to me," she huffed, impatiently crossing her arms.

"Somebody is the curious cat tonight."

"And unlike you, I deserve my satisfaction," she sniffed primly.

"And someone's not going to deserve her gift instead," he taunted.

"Told you!" she grinned, putting forth her hands expectantly.

"You did not!" he retorted, yanking back the present against his chest. "You were just being nosy."

"Was not."

"Were too."

"I don't see how I was being nosy when it's my present."

"But you didn't know that at first."

She scowled. "I had a feeling."

"How?" he pouted.

"Uhh," she stammered. "Well, who else would you be carrying a gift for?"

"Ah ah ah, I think," Chat declared, hiding the present from her line of sight behind his back, "you just don't want to admit you like my presents. And didn't want this to be for anybody else."

"Pffft," she scoffed, waving a hand, "sure, the diamond earrings and Chanel bag were some nice momentos, but they're a little flashy."

And extremely expensive. And the nicest things she owned that had to stay tucked away in her closet because he refused any of her vetoes, and she couldn't be seen with them without raised eyebrows and questions; but she did admire them from time to time. They were sweet gifts nonetheless.

"Alas, she has specific taste," Chat said, inching the gift back out into view.

Her eyes automatically followed the movement of it. "Please," she blinked very kindly up at him.

He sighed. "Who am I to resist the wiles of my Lady." He dropped the gift into her hands with a flourish.

She grinned triumphantly, appraising the book-shaped object covered in her favorite shade of pink and black polka dotted wrapping paper, topped off with a cute little white bow in the middle.

"I will warn you," Chat informed, astoundingly shy all of the sudden, "it's no diamonds or Versace; in fact, I sort of made it, so it's definitely nothing amazing—"

"Don't be silly—I bet it's one of your best gifts yet," she winked, slipping a finger under one of the folds on the backside.

She was pretty sure it could look like a three-year old did it and she would love it still.

Encased in the wrapping was a simple black leather book with the title Adventures of LB and CN and a yin and yang symbol in the corner.

"Uh, I actually was able to commission Nathaniel to do a little edit of the yin and yang symbol to fit our themes...since, you know, we're like yin and yang?"

She nodded, smiling as she softly grazed a finger over the area.

Flipping open the book, there was the dedication on the first page:

For My Lady, My Partner, My Best Friend

She was certain her cheeks couldn't stretch any further.

The first few photos were definitely from the beginning of their partnership. Like their first fist bump, first pose for the press, and one of their first selfies even—they all were lined against the pages, showcasing the novelty and surrealness that encompassed the first couple of weeks. She shook her head in amazement. Even as it felt so long ago, it was as if it were just yesterday she opened that little box of change and responsibility.

It was clear as she continued that Chat had arranged them in a linear-timeline, as the photos became newer and more comfortable. The photos he had first shown her that night in her room were peppered amongst others she noted, and there were quite a few more photos in between. If she were more courageous and self-disciplined, she would ask him to tell her what they meant to him again. And if she were honest enough with herself, she really wanted him to answer the same way he had that night, just so she could see that sparkle in his eye again—honest, hopeful, yearning, all in a way that made her feel warm and funny inside. He'd talk all night if she'd ask, and she would sit beside him and listen just because she could.

By the time she was about halfway through, more photos including other members of the team started popping up. Viperion and Pegasus posing ridiculously back-to-back, Carapace atop Chat's shoulders, Rena pranking Kim with an illusion, there was even a picture of Queen Bee cracking a reluctant grin and peace sign—they all were moments that somehow got captured. Some of the group photos had little descriptions underneath or beside the photos, like, "Goofing around with our buddies—the gargoyles," or "Ice cream and hang with the gang." Some were left by themselves, with little decals matching their respective kwami-animal theme sprinkled throughout.

"I actually got some of these photos from them," Chat said as she landed on a selfie of Viperion and Ryuko. "I mentioned to Rena what I was doing, so she offered to have herself and the others send some photos as a contribution."

If anything, the thought of her team each pitching in some of their own photos was even more touching, and her cheeks were already aching from all the smiling she was doing.

"That was nice of them."

It truly surprised her—the amount of pictures that had been taken and printed so she could relive them all, each photo recalling each moment with clarity and affection.

But to finish it off, at the very end was a photo of her and Chat sitting on a rooftop, her head on his shoulder and their backs to the camera as the sun set; two figures against the fevered oranges and yellows of the sky, side by side. Underneath read—

Ladybug,

No matter what happens, I hope you can look back upon this with fond memories and remember some of the best times. Because my best times are when I'm with you. So here's to all the memories—even good and bad—and many more that will stand the end of time, just like us. You and me, against the world.

Your Partner, Chat Noir

By the time she got to the ending line, it was becoming too blurry. She swiped a knuckle under her eye, not wanting to risk a single teardrop lest it mar the precious page.

"Oh my god, you're crying! I messed up, didn't I— I'm sorry, this—"

She effectively cut off his rambling worries as she threw her arms around him, hugging him fiercely. "You didn't mess up a thing. I love this."

"You do?"

She fervently nodded her head against his shoulder as she laughed, the ends of his hair at the nape of his neck tickling her cheek. "I do. This is amazing."

"On par with Versace?"

"Better," she corrected, running a hand over the front cover reverently. "This is the best gift ever, Chat." She already knew its rightful place where it belonged; nestled in between the two dried roses in the box tucked in the secret corner of her closet.

He grinned, looking simultaneously shy and pleased as he stood before her. "Well, I thought you could use something that'd bring a smile to your face."

'And—and she just looked so happy, so carefree, standing under her umbrella in the rain with a smile that could turn any cloud in the sky away as she explained. I couldn't help but take a photo, because I knew then that as long as I know her, I'd always try to get her to look like that. Happy.'

"You make me happy."

The words slipped past her lips, unbidden, honest, and completely unchecked; but she wouldn't take back the words for anything.

"I do?" he blinked, voice colored with surprise and wonder, as if any foresight to insert the usual flair of charismatic self-assuredness into his tone disappeared.

And maybe, that was why it only felt right to be honest: "Of course! I—I may not say it often enough...but you're my partner. My best friend. You've always made me happy."

Because when he'd noticed she was feeling down, he'd taken the time and effort to make something special for her, just to try and cheer her up. And sometimes, she really wondered why she drew that line for herself, and when it had become so blurred. Especially when he looked at her like that as she held what she knew was going to be one of her most treasured possessions for the rest of her life.

It turned out she didn't have to ask again. "It goes both ways, My Lady; you make me the happiest Chat around." It was said with earnest veracity—the same veracity he'd wielded when talking about her on her chaise that night—eyes sparkling and honest, his smile hopeful and yearning. A photo wasn't necessary when her brain already committed that look to her memory.

She stepped forward. "Well," she said, before stretching onto tiptoes so her lips could meet the smooth curve of his right cheek. "Thank you again, Chat Noir. I'll cherish this forever." She pulled back, the tips of their noses barely grazing— "And the book."

Smiling, she launched off the rooftop, a blushing open-mouthed Chat Noir in her wake. As she landed on the facing building, she slid her yo-yo open and pressed the camera icon, giggling as the yo-yo audibly clicked.

This was definitely a memory for the books.

[star-shard]

So the ending of Hounds of the Basketville. It’s Moriarty, he’s in a little concrete room, and uh oh he’s scratched Sherlock’s name a hundred times, and Mycroft says: let him go. Clearly some build up for the coming episode and a reminder that Moriarty is fucking insane. 

But hang on.

He’s right there. Moriarty is right there. In a locked, concrete cell. He’s scratched Sherlock into CONCRETE WALLS. The man equated with the British government, said to be smarter than Sherlock has him RIGHT THERE. And he

L E T S  H I M  G O.

i.

i.

Mycroft’s reasoning? An interrogation that didn’t lead anywhere... alas.

THE MAIN ANTAGONIST IS IN WHATS BASICALLY A PRISON CELL. AND THEY LET HIM GO. 

Later. The writers retcon this bullshit by saying they only had him in holding for Mycroft to feed him false information about Sherlock so that Jim can continue on with his scheme.

(A plot point devised entirely to give Sherlock and Mycroft god level intellect to be one step ahead of the antagonist the entire time because they couldn’t write themselves out of a paper bag and they had to have SOME way that Moriarty gets beaten, it can’t be from quick thinking, has to be planning done OFF SCREEN months in advance the audience is never aware of. Or oh wait maybe they didn’t, maybe thats not even the real answer, they give multiples, they said it just to mess with the viewers, really absolves them from any criticism of shit writing, great out, boys. Even if that is your out it still renders Mycroft’s decision to let Moriarty go completely meaningless. Gutless writing, my dudes)

Still, even pretending the writers don’t have a huge boner for their self insert OCs ‘Sherlock and Mycroft’. Let’s pretend this is a story with actual characters that make decisions.

Here it is: Don’t let the crazy motherfucker hellbent on murdering your only brother back out into the world. Maybe save the trouble of an hour and a half and KEEP HIM THERE? TO AVOID A N Y AND A L L OF THIS TRAUMA AND HULLABALOO? 

OR BETTER YET HAVE HIM SHOT IN THE HEAD RIGHT THERE, THE END, ROLL CREDITS 

‘Oh, but he’s a government worker he can’t kill someone, and there isn’t a prison strong enough :( ‘

OH WAIT

SHERRINFORD 

Can’t use that excuse, they literally created a fictional prison thats meant to be the SUPER strongest in the world. (Which actually turns out to just be a plot device to show off how super duper duper duper duper DUPER smart the ‘sister’ is.) BUT STILL. Strong prison, Moriarty isn’t supernatural, toss him in, roll credits.

GOD

....

....

Season 3 really did destroy season 2′s final episode. All the stakes, all the tension and emotional weight was rendered useless. 

Letting Moriarty go was already a dumbass thing to do in the first place. A really really REALLY stupid ass thing to do. But, if you want to write Mycroft as a cowardice traitor. Keep him that way. Force this character to accept these consequences. That at might add some interesting tension between the characters. Some sibling drama the audience ACTUALLY might want to see.

Though I doubt they’d actually allow that, they enjoy a status quo. So scrap that entire plot line. If you’re not going to follow through with something holding such weight to the plot it’s bad. 

Let’s say they still want that edge of your seat final scene to set up the finale. You want the audience to do it for you. 

Allow me to fix it for you.

--Moriarty is shown in a study in an illustrious mansion. On the walls, Sherlock has been carved all over. Showing that Moriarty’s obsession has reached a breaking point, that all the money and power and security aren’t enough. Sherlock consumes his thoughts and destroys his state of mind. It’s even started to destroy his house, close up on Sherlock’s name on a priceless piece of art. Life is meaningless now to Moriarty. He has to finish this. Cut to black.--

There. Same affect, no dumbass choice on Mycroft’s part. 

That’s it. See ya.

[airlock]

airlock grades the Conqueror archetype

and this one will wrap up the series! or, perhaps, trample it with iron boots -- because this is the realm of the ones who declare the wars, control the huge empires, storm the protagonistic homelands!

(do note: under cut are spoilers for… everything, and also a significant amount of me criticizing or blamming characters that you might like. you’ve been warned! but all hope is lost; whether you read on or not, I will post this and you can’t stop me. ahahahahaaaa!!)

the scourge of akaneia

(8/10)

Medeus is the launcher of some sort of an archetype of his own, in the sense of the big honking draconic/demonic being whose defeat seals up the plot, but he also distinguishes himself very much from that pack -- in that he’s never really idly awaiting for the endgame to come, but instead, he’s pushing the buttons and making things happen, even if his signature pose is the lazy villain slouch.

he’s easily one of the stronger villains in the Akaneia saga -- active, intense, and, quite rarely for this point in technology, a splendid realization of the motivations that drove him to villainy. it’s hard to disagree that he did the “as long as there’s evil” clincher better than Loptyr.

the scourge of valentia

(6.5/10)

the remakes have breathed much of the good and the bad of the series’ modern instances into the man who knocked Mycen up.

there’s a frequent criticism of Rudolf in that the convoluted plots he weaves, leading up to his death, make no sense and feel like deliberate plot behavior; I’d say Shadows of Valentia does good on clarifying the need for all of his scheming, though, as he has to contend with a decadent church that steadily eclipses his crown’s influence and has the furthest possible goals from his.

the problem, of course, is that all of this clarification comes about in the fashion that these things tend to on this side of Awakening: past the point when it’d have fang. why only have the red-armored reindeer start acting like Alm’s father right at the time of the final showdown? there was plenty of time to build him up in the cutscenes before that, but we waste all of that time on him bullying his nephew instead. and that particular thing ends up making no sense at all!

it sucks not only for making Rudolf weaker as a villain, but also for how much it cheapens Alm’s subsequent drama. we’re really supposed to buy that he’s all torn up about committing patricide, when the father he killed was no father to him at all except for a half minute before croaking? and seriously, this time, all the people being like “don’t judge him too harshly” after Alm went and killed him just end up sounding fiercely insensitive to him.

and last but definitely least, seriously, his older sprite was better lookin’.

the scourge of akaneia, book II

(6/10)

what, you give me a chance to use that gif, I use it, plain and simple-

ahem! so what to make of our here fallen hero? his tragic downfall is quite compelling, truly striking as a situation that no particular individual can be blamed for but was merely the sad result of the trappings of the system. alas, that much is cheapened quite a bit when the result of it in actions tends to run the gamut of arbitrary villainy; it feels like the last real character-informed action in his arc is when he finally gives in to the Darksphere, and from there, it’s all because plot.

still, having a formerly playable character turn crooked as a main plot point is a player punch that other titles have rarely shown similar bravery to pull off, and that’s very much to merit. Shadow Dragon even goes the distance in trying to strengthen the punch by giving Marth and Hardin one or two tidbits of extra dialogue with each other, but those sadly end up landing quite stifled and fail to contribute to the buildup.

it has to be said, though, I really hate how this side of the remake makes his evil self look like a lunkering zombie when old Mystery of the Emblem dodged the gonk and gave him some kind of sexy vampire look instead. that was working better. so I guess that makes Medeus the only one of the list here who didn’t strike the remake fortune with a worse character design?

the scourge of jugdral

(11/10)

Arvis is my favorite Fire Emblem villain bar none. he’s the full package, and should be zenith to with any antagonist in this series aspires to.

starting off, he boasts an extensive backstory that not only establishes his motivations, but even his personality, his neuroses. but what’s better yet is that he’s such a good villain, he carries himself perfectly in the game proper despite most of the detail of what made him who he is falling to the wayside of additional material. none of that text exists to make right the deeds that he gets up to, too; it’s hard to blame him in the end, but he’s not to be absolved, anyway.

he’s also masterfully crafty, and unlike certain toadies I’ve covered earlier who dip into his pool and pretend to be the real mastermind, he’s out there doing exactly what needs to be done in order to turn the bickerings of his continent into a cycle of mutual destruction that naturally pulls him all the way to the top. you know how, if you get enough of the gang killed, you can have an ending where Seliph ends up having to take over the whole continent, leaving him stuck being Arvis 2.0? folks sometimes call that a “wtf seliph” moment, but I’d call it the crowning excellence of Arvis’s schemes -- his M.O. is never to take over the empire, but ever to undermine the existing leadership so thorougly as to make himself the only option left.

and what’s more: although the zenith of his arc is the stuff of late-term plot twists, this is that rare occasion when the plot twist is done well and doesn’t just ruin the rest of the story because of the secrecy required. the tipping point is built up to very well, with Arvis’s uncertain allegiances and sketchy character -- masterfully played so that he’s suspect, but hard to instantly point fingers at. the cherry on top is when he fakes coming to your aid at the very end, making it so look like that’s his place in the plot, until it isn’t and he betrayed you and murdered everyone. what magnificent brutality!

my god, is this long enough yet? because seriously, I could keep going. I’ll spare you all since we’re not even halfway done with this list yet, but I think I’ve made this much abundantly clear: Arvis is a master class in how to write a primary villain, and nothing less.

the scourge of leonster specifically

(5.5/10)

technically, a conqueror per se he isn’t, but he’s very much occupying a similar role in Thracia 776, as the one who directly made possible the imperial occupation of Manster and also the one who actively pursues Leif.

as far as villains in that particular game goes, Raydrik is one of the better inserted, having been given a place in the story of Jugdral that doesn’t encroach on anyone else’s but still makes him more than relevant enough of an enemy to Leif. it’s unfortunate, however, that having to play second fiddle to a stooge like Veld dials down the extent to which he can seize on that in full.

the scourge of elibe

(4.5/10)

the world’s sharpest fidget spinner has a fairly interesting concept going, specially with how it fits into the grand scheme of Binding Blade -- is it easy to disagree with the misanthropic antagonist, when the majority of the enemies you’ve faced up to that point were the assholes that were supposed to be on your side?

unfortunately, it’s still pretty easy to disagree with Zephiel in the end. I might be thinking of the earlier and more stifled fanslation, but he’s far too stoic to sell the bread that he’s supposedly growing. were that he ever really showed the sorrow and anger he feels at the lot he’s been dealt, and how it compels him to such drastic lenghts as attempting to erradicate humanity itself, he’d have made for a far more convincing villain; alas, depressive emotionless doesn’t really mesh all that great with the sort of arc he’s trying to build.

in fact, it weakens his impact quite a bit that so much of his backstory only ever goes through in the form of his sister lengthily expositing about it; he only gives his own words on the matter obliquely, and the thing ends up landing like it’s a sob story intended to drum up cheap sympathy, even though it actually explains what he’s doing.

Blazing Blade puts in the valiant effort of showing you in actions not words what led him down the path of villainy, but your prequel should not be tasked with the work of establishing you as the villain you are in your actual game.

credit where credit is due, though, this guy’s theme song slaps so hard, you end up in a dungeon with Sophia. in terms of audibly announcing how fucked you are when he’s in the neighborhood, he’s second only to Arvis.

the scourge of caelin specifically

(5/10)

Blazing Blade is mostly about preventing conquests from taking place to begin with, but this guy fits the bill neatly enough, as someone who sparks the conflict of Lyn’s story by making moves on his ambitions.

I can’t help but feel like he could have been written to be more interesting and compelling -- like, if he didn’t look like he’s roughly as close to death’s doorstep as his brother is anyway, and/or if he’d mentioned having heirs of his own that he wished to pass Caelin down to instead of Lyn... or maybe if he dropped the cacklevillainy for a moment to seize on what a genuinely frustrating feeling it’d have to be, being all but the designated heir for 15-odd years and THEN some random granddaughter appears out of nonwhere.

that said, he wasn’t intended to be a particularly complex villain; he’s the tutorial villain, with the tutorial villainy. I ultimately can’t grade him higher than such a role merits, but it’s ultimately understandable that he wasn’t written better.

the wooden scourge of magvel

(7.5/10)

although he’s not actually there at any point of Sacred Stones, it’s not for no reason that Lyon put his undead inflatable doll self to work -- and I mean that both in the pragmatic sense and in the character sense.

Vigarde’s presence is palpable, echoing through the backstories of a great deal of characters and informing their actions and choices for the greater part of the game; that’s a very impressive thing to accomplish without being there in the first place, and it builds him up to quite the solid character.

the scourge of tellius

(8.5/10)

so, this guy’s motivations are kind of wack; the clear intention there to mirror and contrast the protagonist ultimately lands flat, and his ideology does little to impress meaning upon his actions. also, it’s pretty lame that he has all the cool battle quotes he has when only Ike is special enough to actually hurt him. I’m getting the criticism out of the way now because the rest of this is going to be nothing but gushing.

what an incredibly entertaining villain! his great crooked grin never feels like an affectation -- he may be theatrical and cruel, but he has his firm reasons for doing everything he does. and the plot doesn’t tell him what to do; he tells the plot what to do, with flair. and his master plan, if hard to conciliate as an entirely human thing -- again, his ideology doesn’t land that well as an explanation for the things he does -- shimmers in its sheer audacity: provoking a world war in order to intentionally enrage the gods! holy shit. and he almost succeeds, at that.

his backstory is also a point-for: it’s not the sort of backstory that explains things, per se, but it serves instead to establish that Ashnard has been Ashnard for as long as there has been Ashnard, and that’s splendid. not everything has to go all the way to the egg!

right, right, again I’m going to try not to go on forever, but I’d be remiss in not closing with one of Ashnard’s greatest strengths: the banter. this guy has the guillotine-sharp tongue to match the extent to which he doesn’t give a shit about anyone, and it makes for magnificent lines. the part where he tears Bryce a new one and still gets to deploy him to the final battle is easily one of Path of Radiance’s standout moments, in my opinion.

the scourge of valm and good arcs

(1/10)

this guy gets quite compelling dialogue for what’s easily one of the most batshit villains in the whole franchise, and even Awakening itself.

as usual, the game elects to make the parts of his motivation that makes sense a secret for after you kill him -- which not only makes them irrelevant by the time they land, but also make him sound like he’s bonkers while he’s still around. all of his playing at being Rudolf 2.0 lands seriously flat in a story that has otherwise not really established the gods he keeps talking about breaking free from. and once the cards are down, well, he succeeds in being Rudolf 2.0, in that, as far as I hear, Rudolf made a lot less sense before Shadows of Valentia came about; his M.O. of imperialism to prevent the apocalypse is just one big honking what the fuck??. how hard can it be to just tell people about that? who’s going to stop you, Excellus?

and I will also never forgive him for directly influencing his ancestor’s weaker design in the remakes-

the scourgoo

(??/10)

so from where I’m standing, his plot twist also sounds pretty lame, but hey, I’m not going to start rating Fates people now, right

so, how are you all enjoying your brutal subjugation under The Empire (TM)? do you welcome your new militaristic overlords, or are you already mounting the resistance? the ins and outs of what sort of catastrophe we’ll be facing in the upcoming Three Houses are yet to be revealed, but before we set about blaming the crests, what would you expect from the sort of figure who’d be pushing the lances to make it happen? comment what you will through replies and reblogs, but rest assured that you’ll never figure out the master plan behind this invasion... ahahahahahahaaaa!!

[thepursuitofirony]

Dandy: The Psychology of Willful Blindness

Danai Gurira/Andrew Lincoln or "Dandy" as some call them are as obvious as the day is long, but I've noticed for quite some time that people tend to ignore the obvious elephant in the room with these two. That elephant? The obvious attraction between them and the inappropriate aspects of what is deemed a "friendship." People who are into them or curious about them are deemed weirdos simply because we refuse to twist ourselves into a pretzel to defend something that we would never defend if this were the "real" world with "real" people. That lead me to wondering why exactly that is. This lead me to a book called "Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril (public library)" by serial entrepreneur and author Margaret Heffernan.

This phenomenon is actually quite common in the human psyche, and I'll break down the how's and whys of that for you now. The first point the book examines is how “we could know, and should know, but don’t know because it makes us feel better not to know.” A lot of times, we do this, mostly because digging actually causes discomfort and most people dislike things that make them truly uncomfortable. For example, many people will know their partner is being unfaithful; they will see the signs, they will go through the messages, but they will not explicitly bring it up and when they do it's because they're already done. Why? It's because sometimes we know the truth, but we don't like the truth and we choose to believe the lie because it feels better. With Danai and Andy, I feel like a lot of people do think that these two are perfect beings. And in stan culture, celebrities are infallible deities deemed "problematic" if they show their flaws. It's a harmful way to view people, who are multifaceted, complex, and imperfect, but alas that is celebrity culture.

Furthermore, this goes into what people believe they are capable of. In most people's minds Danai Gurira is an esteemed playwright, a constant champion for human rights, a feminist, an activist, and all of that is true. Danai Gurira IS one of the best people in the world, but she's also human too. She's capable of all the things that regular woman are capable of, and that doesn't make her lesser than us, it just makes her like us. That's true of Andrew Lincoln too, who most have placed into an almost unrealistically perfect box of perfection. He is the perfect father, the perfect husband with the perfect wife, and he's incapable of anything that would make him less than that. Andrew Lincoln is the ultimate "unicorn" to some, and it's clear that some are okay with self inserting or sexualizing them to fit their fantasies, it's unheard of that he may be attracted to his coworker. This also doesn't take away from the wonderful human being that he's shown himself to be, the caring leader, the hard worker, the person with the biggest heart, the most generous actor, it just adds to that. He has many sides to him, which should make him more human. But that's where the willful blindness comes in. In some people's eyes, "Dandy" shatters the illusion. It turns perfect husband and father into deadbeat adulterer that doesn't love his family. It turns selfless feminist activist into homewrecker. But both of those things are narrow minded and simple characterizations of two very good people, who possibly went about all of this in the right way, and couldn't help the feelings that developed. That's the way I choose to see it.

With that, I leave you with this quote from the book:

"Whether individual or collective, willful blindness doesn’t have a single driver, but many. It is a human phenomenon to which we all succumb in matters little and large. We can’t notice and know everything: the cognitive limits of our brain simply won’t let us. That means we have to filter or edit what we take in. So what we choose to let through and to leave out is crucial. We mostly admit the information that makes us feel great about ourselves, while conveniently filtering whatever unsettles our fragile egos and most vital beliefs. It’s a truism that love is blind; what’s less obvious is just how much evidence it can ignore. Ideology powerfully masks what, to the uncaptivated mind, is obvious, dangerous, or absurd and there’s much about how, and even where, we live that leaves us in the dark. Fear of conflict, fear of change keeps us that way. An unconscious (and much denied) impulse to obey and conform shields us from confrontation and crowds provide friendly alibis for our inertia. And money has the power to blind us, even to our better selves."

[maneaterwithtail]

Character I Love Meme: Axebear

Time to take my own advice, while slow on the adaptation analysis project Fangbone Page II Screen (its tag search for it) That's mainly as I only have a tablet and need a terminal and time to really try to hammer out entries. Which, looking back, haven't been good enough I can't fault a lack of discussionGetting a little down on the project I figured should at least try to have some interest in Fangbone and discussion on it stirring, especially if want robust discussion outside of Fangbill pairing, which I have disinclination for but is easily, and understandably, the most popular subject and stuff on the Fangbone tag.

Still want to Promote @rubyreddraws @g-00lden @cordset and others and appreciate likes from folks but really more of a forum/conversation sort as to socmedia guy. But I hear using standard memetic questionnaires can cause discussion on threads to keep up, if no fanart or theories to really go into...also sucker for design and feel, in a way character needs more love.

Whole series does, but I think appreciation of animated Fangbone's leader-cheiftain is in order for those who like interesting and thick characters who have character and not just a joke either. Though is a joke, but so is EVERYONEon the show, but a nuanced one with lots of valiance

1: Orientation headcanon

Functionally bisexual.  Prefers/more familiar with men and dismissive overall of feminity but not *self consciously* macho 

2: otp

Triple

Him, Ms. Gillian, and Twinklestick.  Likely after some character growth for him, some respect for the last, and Ms. Gillian gets her muscled man meat who knows she’s a prize.

3: brotp

His battle Brother died some time ago and he’s found no replacement worthy for the honor to entitle, so tends to act “alone” or with subbordinates 

(bonus points if looks like GN Axebear...or maybe not).  Technically is kind of this with Twinklestick but has ISSUES about “softbelliedness” and being civilized and so on.  Also it was sort of a shotgun arrangement (needed a wizard, couldn’t pay him in material wealth, position by elderhood/capture-marriage was the workaround)  But get along as seen in show with begrudging concession though takes for granted

4: notp

One-eye the Slippery...Just got a thing of “all antagonism is UST” though do see them getting more Bro-like.. but more hate One-eye for being a living conflict ball and asshole

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Basically the Mighty Lizard Clan, in my head, have taboos on relationships which he follows, if not embodies.  That includes same sex relations but to us they would seem peculiar in specificity versus our assessment.  (you always sleep with men why freaked out at two of them marrying and raising a kid together? Why mock hetero marriage or think child custody works like dividing lovestock birth!!!)

As Chieftain he’s physically intimate (that oil rub demand) with tribesmen in certain ways.  But affection if not codified in writing comes with specific rules/guidance he knows and expected to follow.  Also if abusive, well can be challenged or they can leave and spread word of how treated, which is shameful (as mentioned relations not be public, plus other stuf)

 Hilariously, while known and universal in Skullbania, committed marriage is rare amongst the Mighty Lizard Clan. Fangbone’s parents are unique or rare in the clan. The clan being predominantly male and most procreating comes through inverted demographic clans, or wandering wench groups, during special days of revelry (which the Chief is expect to lead/direct) and meetups, or “bridal stealing”  much like the MLC claims its artisans and teachers which can be true kidnappings or “pay-offs” or similar with no direct obligation to *keep* the target even if must serve kidnapper.  Kidnapee may escape (in quotes or this is sincere) and unlike with goats or gear clan not obligated to help retrieve beyond personal bond/wish. Escapee goes back to their clan who can return as will or “reclaim” by their method or way.  Gets complicated with the ‘civilized’ societies like out in Minkwater (professional damsel/wetnurse/broodmare is a thing, got a guild and everything)

Recreating with tribesmen is done, its not shameful but not proudly displayed (unless making a statement..or being ‘lazy’ or) compared to other MLC activites (why we don’t see it or introduced as such).  Hilariously this is looked down on with battle brothers, as you’re meant to be equals, and there are superstitions about positions, history of exploitation, worries about protege setups, etc (insert our own justified issues with pedophilia, teacher-student hankypanky, and power dynamics/abuse and harassment here) But this is in a “assume not, unless otherwise stated” situation.  Those of equal standing can and do marry but this is more for alliance.. sort of.. its complicated.  

There are hopes to have more women as a subgroup and thus ‘revive’ the female branch and traditions but most of the women are all warrior and aggro ala fangbone himself (as the MLC leans TOOmuch on warrior and only warrior plus lost a lot of women due to reasons generations before Axebear took the seat, then they keep selecting or slanting things to guys...)

Basically as Village Elder he is sort of married to Twinklestick who, as wizard/shaman from out of the tribe, occupies a weird position regard to elder, barbarian, man or woman, and husband/wife (unlike typical one isn’t expected to be/auto-dumped after x time of no kids produced).  Personally has little recreational interest in ladies, but not unattracted to them, more he’s so much about work and already has an atypical spouse AND as chieftain has open “rolladex” if frisky AND has obligations for how he sexually must act out for the good of the clan... well he GETS where Ms. Gillian is coming from.  But she’s not like Lizard Clan suitors or women.. but not like Minkwater wenches either...

And now she’s showing not just wisdom (thus a possible good target for bridal and teacher theft) but also feirceness in battle and leadership (that really gets him going). And so forward that’s different and unique (so exotic and new, and Fangbone likes her ALOT).  Twinklestick likes her too much though and well that’s a problem.  As for one technically Twinklestick is “teaching capture” who by dint of “is a magical storied wizard” who could leave at any time and no one in the tribe could really stop him and recapture be a bitch as his ‘clan’ likely act in defense of his egress as to insist on his return.  So how could this relationship work, it isn’t like a man having two bridal captures, or a brood and lifetime-battle-brother or permenant ally or something he gets and familiar with...

what he feels inclined to do he knows he’s not suppose to do.  And that’s a sign of going soft/corrupt from Earth, like Ms. Gillian of the Steel Desk who is NOTsoft like he thought Earth was but strong in ways Bill and other Earthlings have shown and helped train Ingrid and defeat drool with...WHat can he DO!!!!

Secondmost? Until mentioned SPECIFICALLY in an episode I thought he was Fangbone’s father (explained a few things about look, Fangbone’s attitude, and so on) but the MLC do communal raising with obvious biases to flesh and blood.  That or Fangbone was adopted by Axebear out of the “fighting pits” they stick the kids into until they graduate/prove themselves.

6: favorite line from this character

too many to choose from...

But one that gets the most acute reaction from me? 

“I, Axebear, will crush all teachers, parents, AND INTERVIEWS” *smash*

7: one way in which I relate to this character

His hygenic presentation/mannerisms are bold like I wish I was, and while obstinate he is genuine and has method to his madness.  Even when makes are harsh authorative judgement when out of his depth, committing to plan and fearing issues or messups will re-assess what feeling and own values and make decision on that.  And despite it all WILLAPOLOGIZEand openly justify redecision

I was not a good older brother growing up so liked the niance of him being a leader and that particularly showing strenght and leadership with affection, judgement, and self reflection.  He didn’t even need, as expected, any direct prompting to take Fangbone back.  And get how he was embodying MLC values not betraying them.  ANDlearning to integrate/appreciate new and diverse things. And reassess his views.

Overall just like is bold ANDthoughtful at once and not..a contradiction?

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

Being attached with lamer weirdos or someone with a tendency to not think, ramble, or have to do something “again” as that describes how actually AM and would think see me.

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

More to the latter than the former but not so problematic as given space to grow while staying true to self and, in a way, avoids some problematic cliches about barbarians/less advanced peoples and how respond to things.  Its more most comfortable with what he knows and thinks best. As to “too dumb/macho to live”