#alarm at 11… then suddenly it’s 5pm

[heartual]

jelp

[anonymousauthorsblog]

Turning Passions

chapter 11 • call it what you want

this chapter contains writing

lowercase intended

call it what you want - taylor swift

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y/n pov 3rd person

monday

“beep beep beep” the sound of y/n’s alarm blares through her room. she groggily gets up shutting it off from her phone, before looking at the percentage. she softly curses at herself for forgetting to attach her phone onto a charger last night before passing out. the night before, y/n was up trying to get the facials, the movements and the attitude down from the black swan. as she starts to stress realizing that her testing is coming up to audition for her part again. she gets off her bed, making her way towards her bathroom to freshen up for the day. she looks in the mirror going through the list of what to do for her day in her head. “class, dance rehearsal, dance practice,” she keeps repeating to herself feeling like she’s forgetting something. “class, dance rehearsal, dance practice, class, dance rehearsal, dance practice,” “is it a video she has to do with toge?” no. a test for school?. no. math. wait studying.” her eyes lit up. she goes around looking for her phone before reading back the messages her and megumi shared. “shit shit” she whispers to herself. she runs out to look for her friends forgetting to tell them she has company over later to see that they’re all gone. she rolls her eyes before continuing to get ready, praying they’ll understand her later when they show up to a boy in their home. y/n finishes up before packing for the day, to leave the house, heading to the rest of her classes.

the clock ticks “3:58�� until the professor dismisses class, letting the students out two minutes early. y/n races towards the door to walk to the familiar studio she’s been spending most of her time in. y/n walks in, changing and doing her usual routine. she passes through the first original dance class easily as that class was basic rehearsals for those who gained a normal spot in the routine of swan lake. the class passes by until it’s time for her usual private with miss trin. y/n exits her original danceroom entering into the room she’s been practicing in for the pass week. she stretches making sure to hit every spot to ensure her to have a safe practice, until miss trins voice booms in. “WELCOME TO CLASS Y/NNNNN, TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF ONCE AGAIN.” y/n rolls her eyes playfully as she responds “meaning i finally can learn the actual black swan dance?” miss trin nods at her question as y/n jumps up in joy. miss trin laughs at the girls sudden burst of energy before shushing the girl down. “ok, okay. but first i have to tell you, y/n i know you know the dance” the teacher pauses glaring at the ballerina carefully. “but this dance is hard, exhausting and difficult if you’re putting the right pieces together” y/n nods waiting for her teacher to continue. “i know you’ve seen it all about this performance on the internet, but i’ll have to let you know these dancers spent years perfecting this piece while you have two days, don’t disappoint because your dance teacher will take this away from you if she sees once mistake.” y/n gulps then nods her head slowly before getting up. “well let’s get to it, i only have two days” the girl then says. miss trin laughs before saying “alright but remember i better see face before i take this role from you personally!”

megumi pov 3rd person

it’s 5pm, and megumi is setting up for a video. he won’t have to leave for y/n’s until 7:00 and yuji has been on him for not posting, loosing content for his viewers. megumi sighs before testing the camera, mic and finally sitting down putting on his headphones and starting the video. “hey guys” he mumbles. his fans suddenly joining in as the comments go crazy. “i think it’s self explanatory what im doing today. playing ANOTHER game” he says. megumi then looks at the comments to see his views spiking, getting a bit nervous because he’s never really had such a viewing like this before. megumi plays through the game the time rushing from 5:00pm-6:20pm. megumi looks at the time before looking at the camera. “well uh i think it’s almost time to get off, but like usual i can answer a few questions.” he scans through the chat before seeing questions that catch his dark eyes. “do you nobara and yuji live together?… unfortunately”. “when’s the next stream with everyone, uh sorry ill have to ask yuji he usually plans that” megumi continues to scan through the questions until one about his fond friend comes up, “are you and y/n a thing, please just make out already” he reads eyes closing in disbelief at the last statement. “we’re just close friends” the comments start to shoot up at the response. “close friends so you’re finally admitting that she’s a friend?- well i’ve gotten to know her and i enjoy her company so yeah a friend.” he responds. the views start to rocket off after these interactions and megumi starts to get annoyed sharing particles of his private life. he glances more about these comments until one ticks him off. “y/n is always late and tbh not educated of anything, why her” megumis face turns into disgust before quickly defending y/n “y/n is not always late and even if she is it’s none of your concern. i would also like to let you know that she’s a very smart girl and excels in every subject” his fans began to roar in shock before typing the one word. “protective” “protective?” megumi repeats. “whatever, call it what you want” he scoffs before telling the chat to move onto a different topic from y/n. he glares at the time realizing he has to get off to meet this friend he was just taking about. he then wishes his fans farewell before heading off the live before trying to clean up to head to y/n’s place.

3rd person pov

y/n walks into place heading off to her dorm, her feet in shambles after the practice she just got down with. “she wasn’t lying about it being hard” she thinks to herself making sure her steps are calm and soft after the fast and demanding practice she just had. she walks into the housing and pushes up to the elevator too lazy to take the stairs up. the elevator dings as she gracefully walks in. she pushes the button and lets her head fall down. even though it was just monday she feels the stress of the world already falling on her shoulders. she turns her head from the left falling to her right shoulder before looking up and exiting the elevator walking to her dorm door. she opens her bag taking out her keys before hearing a “boom” followed by the laughter of toges voice. she quickly opens the door to see toge and maki with the special guest in the middle megumi, who’s sitting on their couch. y/n looks at the time a little embarrassed from being late, to watch the torture megumi has probably been through with the twisted friends she has. “Y/NNNN heyyy!!” toge yells, maki rolls her eyes crossing her arms over herself. “didn’t care to share you had someone coming over huh?” maki glares at y/n. y/n slowly walks in before looking straight and megumi, she gives an apologetic smile before walking up to him grabbing his arm, pulling him up and towards her room. “well! that was fun! hope you guys enjoyed your time but we have to study!” she says her voice pitch getting higher. y/n then gets into her room leading megumi in, suddenly letting go of his arm and shutting the door, she looks up out of breath “sorry..” she says. megumi looks at the girl and examines her before saying “forgot about studying?” he says. y/n looks at him before going to her desk, “no look, i have my math stuff out!” she broadcasts. megumi rolls his eyes playfully before taking his bag to set up to. y/n shifts over to her bed letting megumi claim her desk. she looks over before saying “sorry if my friends were weird” megumi looks over to the girl before saying “no, it’s fine mine are worst.” y/n laughs “guess that’s why our friends get along so well” megumi lets a small chuckle fall out before leading the conversation into studying. the two begin to study until y/n starts to daze off like the last time they’ve met. megumi shoots a glare and her before closing his book and sighing. his sigh catches y/n’s attention before she sits up straight, “sorry, continue” “no its fine” “it’s fine?” the girl questions. “but aren’t you here to study?” megumi grows quiet at the words the girl just said. he thinks to himself for a moment before getting stopped in tracks. yeah he was here to study and bring an educational tactic to the girl, but in all honesty- he enjoyed y/ns company. he enjoyed having someone who got him right away and wasn’t pushy like everyone. he enjoyed having peace and a friend who was growing onto him faster than he wanted. the boy finally looks up trying to answer before y/n beats him to it? “what or do you just like hanging around me?” megumi is caught off guard by her words, did she see right through him? he looks up in shocked before y/n burst out in laughter. “megumi you should see the look on your face right now!” she gets off her bed before stretching her head, “whatever i think you’re pretty cool too i guess” megumis face quickly turns into a scowl before getting up and gently hitting her with his notebook, “you didn’t even let me answer” he replies. “but you’re okay i guess.” y/n rolls her eyes before lightly shoving him. y/n then looks at the time trying to test her luck, “uh so i know im bored, do you want to watch a movie or something..” she says the last words becoming quiet.” megumi tries to read the girl and looking at the time, it’s definitely late- but the way he can understand how shy she got after asking that- he couldn’t resist. “sure.” y/ns head shoots up before running over to the living room, she sets up the couch before yelling at megumi to get in. they both make it on the couch before, megumi intrudes the scene.

“what are watching..?” megumi hesitates before y/n jumps up, “10 things i hate about you”. “a romcom?” “yeah duh- what you don’t like them?” y/n replies dramatically. megumi looks at the girl mouth slightly apart, “i just didn’t take you for that type” y/n scrunches her eyebrows trying to defend herself before the movie starts, she then shushes the black haired boy and they settle in, watching the movie play. an hour and 37 minutes go by before the movie ends and y/n looks at megumi. “how’d you like it??” she asks excitedly, megumi looks down at the girl before criticizing the movie. “i mean it was okay but-.” “but?? don’t hate on what you can’t have megumi” y/n snaps back. megumi then proceeds to get up before saying “thank you for showing me something i can’t have, but i do have to go back to my dorm” he teases. y/n rolls her eyes “of course!! let me walk you out i guess” the two walk towards her dorm waving bye to each other before y/n yells “YOU DONT HAVE TO ASK TO STUDY TO HANG OUT WERE FRIENDS SOO” megumi looks back before putting his hand up to shows he understands, he slowly walks back to his dorm, red and a little shy after that, but this time with a small smile forming.

y/n locks the door before walking towards the kitchen to find herself meeting with maki. maki sits there with a judgmental glare leaning against the fridge. “you know it’s getting harder to defend you everyday right? y/n looks over to maki confused, “what- defend me from who?” maki walks over before putting a hand to her hair, “cmon y/n you and megumi, do you think toge just shuts the fuck up when he has a new ship to sail? or..” y/n then gets up to leave “maki, seriously we’re just friends” maki then stands before responding, “you show all your friends 10 things i hate about you?” y/n stands there silent before leaving, “whatever floats your boat maki! i’m going to practice!” maki laughs before yelling to her “why because you know megumi will be there to see you” y/n enters her room, not without flipping off her friend, that’s leaving laughing at her actions.

*while megumi and y/n are studying…*

authors notes:

hello hello! welcome to chapter 11! thank you for everyone who supporting this smau! in this chapter we’re seeing the development between the two “friends” and how their friendship will blossom into something deeper! thank you all for reading see yall chapter 12! <3

fun facts:

• y/n watches romcoms as a stress reliever from dance!

• megumi got there before y/n due to her being late and toge and maki took an opportunity to poke and investigate him

• nobara, toge and yuji became shippers a while ago but after their recent stream became bigger ones. (they def have a fan page for a megumi + y/n account…)

• the black swan variation is one of the hardest things to do, y/n’s feet has never hurt this much after a practice.

tags list!

@catobsessedlady @prettynai @notveevee @1l-ynn @xcalkenf @heyheyitsurdaily @aceakariii @meltedoctopie @hannahgcherry @juliiizh @domainexpansi0n @makeshiftproject

[la-principessa-nuova]

I’m definitely on a sort of downward spiral of distractibility and sleep schedule.

My official plan is to sleep 12am-8am and work 9am-5pm.

I was doing so well last year, typically falling asleep somewhere between 11 and 1, and waking up naturally somewhere between 7 and 8.

Then in early December, I had the moment where I understood my gender dysphoria and that I needed to transition, and that night I stayed up until 4 am reading about gender dysphoria and then until 5 am taking notes about it and buying stuff to try out presenting femme.

I never fully recovered from that night.

Eventually, around the time I started therapy, I mostly solved the issue (not because the therapy helped me with it, but more like being in a better place helped me get through finding a therapist finally). I was going to bed like 1-3 am, waking up 8:30-9 on weekdays, 8:30-11 on weekends.

Then I came out to my mom and sister, and there were a few nights after that where they unexpectedly came over with a barrage of questions and “concerns” and every time I’d planned on doing something else and so when they left I just continued on as if they hadn’t been there and stayed up late.

But then I got in the habit again of staying up until after 3am, with most nights not being in bed until 4am and so many nights that i’m up past 5am.

so then i sleep through my 8am alarm and usually wake up to my 9am one, check my email and teams on my phone, and if there’s nothing important, i go back to sleep.

So like right now it’s 12:15pm, and I haven’t gotten out bed to start working yet, aside from a few emails I read and archived in bed. Luckily the nature of my job doesn’t require me to do it on a schedule, aside from if i have meetings or someone asks me something, so I’ve been able to work around it mostly, except the part where I’m soooi tired all the time bc even with sleeping in, i’m only getting like 4-6 hours per night.

And I have an interview today for a job that would require me to get out of bed every morning and be on a call at 9 AM, and I kind of can’t imagine that even though I did it for years with no problem.

But I just keep getting so distracted. Like last night I went upstairs at like 11ish PM. I went up because I had an idea for a comic that I wanted to make, that I’d gotten distracted when I tried to make it earlier, and I sat down thinking I’ll do a quick doodle of it to get the idea out, maybe finish it, and be in bed by 1 AM. Then I got more distracted and ended up not staring drawing until almost 1 AM.

But it’s OK, I told myself, I’ll just doodle the concept really quickly and go to bed. Then I got hyper-focused on drawing, and suddenly it was, no joke, after 5 AM.

When I saw how late it was, I immediately went to bed. But by the time I fell asleep it was after 5:30.

But, like, the less I sleep the easier I get distracted and hyperfocus on the wrong things, and the more I do that, the less I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have some ideas to try to get myself back on track, but PDA makes it a real struggle to stick to plans that are ultimately about getting me to stop doing what I want and yield my time, since as soon as I go to sleep, my time is over and the next thing I have to do is work again.

[copperbadge]

How did you change your sleep habits so that you wake up so early? I would like to become more of a morning person but man is it hard

Well, let me caveat this by saying that some people just aren’t morning people, and will always struggle with waking up. Like, I fully acknowledge that. And for those people, no tip or trick of any kind will help. 

But that being said, there is one tip to waking up earlier and one alone that will help you: go the fuck to sleep. :D

I’m constantly baffled by websites and podcasts and such that talk about all these tricks to waking up early, like doing yoga or calling a friend or whatever, and none of them ever mention going to bed earlier. Waking up earlier is 100% unsustainable as a system if it means you are getting an hour or two or three less sleep than you otherwise would. 

When I started getting up early to run, I could wake up at around 4:30 and be fine, but any earlier and I would just roll over and go back to sleep. My goal was to wake up at 3:50, so that I would be actually in clothes and out the door at 4am. So I would set my alarm for 3:40, to give me ten minutes of wake-up-and-snooze time. But I just couldn’t do it, I’d snooze until 4:30. Or worse – snooze until 4:30, decide it was pointless to get up, and sleep until 6.

Then I realized that I was trying to wake up an hour earlier than I had been (my usual wakeup was 5am at that point) and I wasn’t going to bed any earlier. I had already had a revelation, a few years before, that I wasn’t doing anything useful and also wasn’t enjoying myself between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, when I normally went to bed, so I was already going to bed at like 9:30 most nights. 

So I started going to bed at 8:30. And what do you know, 4am became suddenly achievable. It took a few weeks of lying in bed going “Why are the only people in bed me and toddlers” but eventually I got used to it. 

These days I go to bed between 7pm and 8pm. Sometimes earlier if I’ve had a hard day. I rarely see sunset except in deep winter. 

In some ways it’s no way to live life. Everything interesting, socially speaking, tends to happen after 5pm and last until 9pm at least. Nothing is open at 4am except Dunkin Donuts and 7-11. Nothing happens at 4am except drunk drivers. 

But if you want that early morning time, like I do, that’s the sacrifice you make. And for me, who doesn’t socialize much anyway, it’s not a huge sacrifice. But if you want to get up earlier, the only thing that works, and it only works on those who don’t struggle with wakefulness…you gotta go to bed earlier. 

(Did you find this useful or educational? Feel free to drop some change in my Ko-Fi or at my Paypal!)

[sidereal-josuah]

Broken Home II

take me away

INTO DREAMS OF AUTUMN EYES

A low swear came from the kitchen as his mother anciently spilled some of her drink onto the drying cloth she was using. "Josuah, get me a new dish towel," she ordered as she tried to clean up the mess. He was watching TV, a program he had to for a school project, but he drew away to grab what she wanted. Although, he didn't listen to her as much as before he still wasn't a fool when it came to triggering her temper especially when it was just the two of them. It was strange to look at his mother as someone who could hit him at any time. Even though she had only done that to his father, but her actions had not left him unharmed. He knew her patience with his attitude was wearing thin but he could bring himself to care. He wasn't going to be a perfect son when she failed at being a mother and girlfriend. Throughout the months she had actually broken her hand with how hard she had punched his father in his face...and every time the cops came they just carted his father away as if he were the abuser. It didn't matter what he said...no one would listen to a child. Josuah yanked open the door that held towels, blankets and a variety of smaller clothes. He pulled out a dish towel and set it down on the counter beside her. "And put this in the laundry basket," she told him as she held out the soaked towel, but her son hesitated with an obvious glare of disapproval on his face. "What?" Faith soon asked with annoyance when she noticed he hadn't taken it right way. Her son just shook his head slightly and snatched it form her to go throw it away and then washed his hands in the bathroom. "You know," she called out to him from the kitchen. "I'm noticing how much better you listen to me when your father isn't here." Her comment made him scoff because she was only noticing his compliance when they were alone because he didn't want to be attacked. He was eleven years hold now... and he was more of an adult than the two of them. Josuah glared at himself in the mirror as he reminisced on his life, but his features grew less harsh when he noticed that he had grown another inch in height. Relief filled him as he peered at himself in the mirror and then went to his room in order to double check. "Where's the fire," Faith commented with a forced laugh as he quickly moved past her, but he didn't respond and just entered his room. He leaned against the wall in his room and carelessly penciled in his height. It was then that he had the full evidence of his growth and it made him feel good. He could see the maturity puberty was bringing his feature starting to form and it made him proud. "My growing man," Faith's voiced caused him to whirl around and see she was in the doorway watching him. She didn't have any care for his privacy as she moved towards his height wall that he had done alone and admired his growth. He could feel his temper rising as he thought about how she had no right. "Get out of my room," he demanded in a low but assertive voice. "Come on let's celebrate," she told him as she held out her beer to him as an offering. "What you want a full can?" she asked when he wouldn't take it. Josuah could feel his chest burning with his anger, but he had to be careful with his mother because he wasn't strong enough to fend her attacks off. He wished he could just tell her he wasn't interested, but she'd just laugh at him and made some new crud comment. So, instead of answering he just moved to leave the room himself. Faith didn't say anything, but instead walked out of his room and watched her son beginning to collect his homework. "I'm thinking about kicking your father out," she casually spoke to him as she drew the can of beer to her lips for a sip. "Maybe get a new man," she muttered but still she wouldn't get a reaction out of him because his mother infamous for her cutting words. Josuah moved back to his room and had planned to put his work on his desk and take off outside, but as he passed his mother she suddenly grabbed his arm. "I'm getting sick of your f**king attitude," she told him and Josuah felt her hand tightening painfully over his arm. "Let go of me," he snapped at her and roughly tried to yank his arm away, but her hold was like hot iron searing into his skin. "I'm your damn mother I can touch you if I want." She told him bitterly, but he didn't back down and just glowered up at her as he continued trying to pull away. It was then that she let him go and the abrupt release caused him to stumbled back and hit the wall. The sound of his papers and books falling to the ground reached his ears, but they were drowned out by his own voice. "Your not my mother!" He yelled at her and almost instantly her hand came down over his cheek. The hit was so powerful...and the sound so loud that he knew immediately he was going to bruise. "Don't you ever say that to me again." She hissed cruelly under her breath as she stared down at him with rage filled eyes. Pain entered his heart unwillingly...because he knew she would eventually hit him directly...that she would further sever their frail connection. But he was young enough that her actions hurt him...that deep down he did want a mother that actually cared for him. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes and he hated himself for crying because that's all his father did. "I'm sorry Josuah," she dared to say as she reached up and itched at her forehead. It would have been better for him to leave...but his anger finally got the best of him. A low shout of aggression left the eleven year old as he moved forward and shoved his mother so hard that she fell backwards and crashed into the furniture. He watched in silent shock when her head hit the edge of the coffee table and split her skin. But she wasn't a coward...and she picked herself up almost immediately. It was then that the fear set into his heart as he believed that she would beat him if she caught him. Josuah ran for the front door but she was fast and instantly grabbed his arm with her nails digging into his skin, but despite the pain he rammed his shoulder into her chest and broke away from her. She cried out in pain and used the front door for support to regain her balance. Josuah didn't hesitate to take off towards the other hallway and into his parents room where he shut and locked the door. His heart was pounding as he stared at it and expected his mother to break it open. His emerald gaze jerked around the room and he immediately moved to the window to try and yank it open, but it was sealed or broken, he didn't know he just knew it wouldn't budge. Hit the glass in frustration but turned around the room until he went into the closet and hid inside. His eyes burned with tears but he refused to cry. Faith was yelling his name as she rattled the door and pounded on it with the same rage she showed his father. Somewhere inside of him the fear and upset began to fade as he heard her ramming into the door until she broke inside. Josuah felt a coldness wash over him as he stared blankly ahead and waited for her to find him. No plagued him in that moment and it was strange peace as he watched the shadows of her feet approaching. She opened the closet and stared down at him with horror in her eyes and the collapsed in front of him. The display caused him to pull from the coldness that had washed over him as he watched her beginning to sob and apologize uncontrollably to him. His gaze narrowed onto her with confusion and suspicion because she had never done this for her father. Her words were jumbled as she told him that she couldn't lose him, for him not to leave her, and that she was his only mother. She was crazy...but seeing her in such a pitiful state was alarming to him because he didn't understand it...he didn't understand her. "Mommy loves you," she told him as she lifted her tear stained gaze to him and he saw the way her forehead was bleeding from his returning assault. Maybe if his father fought back she would learn that she couldn't get away with her actions. Was that the solution all along? He didn't know...he didn't understand anything and it made him want to cry...cry in frustration...in hopelessness and anger. "I'm gonna go and get some ice cream...do you want ice cream?" Faith went on shaking as she stumbled to her feet. "I'll be back," she whispered as she turned and stumbled as she began to leave. She was so disorientated that he felt like she was going to get into another car accident. "It's fine," He told her sternly and he wasn't sure why he was bothering but he didn't want the guilt of being apart of her next stupid mistake. "I'm...going to visit Harris," he muttered out with uncertainty, but also a forwardness. "Of course," she didn't hesitate to tell him as she turned to face him with a warm smile that made him feel sick inside. "You can spend the night if you want too." For a time Josuah just stared up at her wordlessly. How did she expect him to respond? He could still feel the burning of her assault against his cheek, but when he watched the blood pooling down her face from the gash he had given her back...he felt guilt deep in his heart. It made him want to laugh at his own stupidity but in the end he was still a kid and that made not only his body weak but it seemed his mind too. "Go clean yourself up..." Josuah told her as he finally rose to his feet to exit the closet. She touched her forehead and looked at the blood with that same unfaltering smile. "Yeah, I'll clean up."

🍂 FALL 10th WED, 5PM - 11 YEARS OLD

[nuwandatowanda]

(via What It’s Like to Live A Day with ADHD)

Writing about a day in the life of someone with ADHD is a tricky thing. I don't think any two of my days look alike. Adventure and (somewhat) controlled chaos are my constant companions.

As someone who runs a YouTube channel called How to ADHD, who’s engaged to someone with ADHD, who has ADHD herself, and who talks to tens of thousands of ADHD brains, I can tell you this — if you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD. We’re vastly different creatures.

We do have a surprising amount in common though, especially when it comes to the stuff we experience on a daily basis. Most days, it’s:

a rollercoaster of successes and failures

some moments feeling like a genius, and others feeling stupid

both distractibility and hyperfocus

good intentions gone off the rails

little emotional wounds from being judged by the outside world — or ourselves!

the healing from being understood and accepted for who we are

I hope this peek into my experience of one day with ADHD helps with that understanding.

The morning scramble

I wake up suddenly, search for my phone — what time is it??

Oh, okay. Still early.

It takes me awhile to fall back asleep — restless legs — but as soon as I do, the alarm goes off. The snooze button and I trade punches until my fiancé turns it off.

I jolt awake — what time is it now??

I scramble for my phone. 11 am.

SHOOT. Totally missed my morning yoga class, and now there’s not even time to shower. I growl at my fiancé — “why did you turn off the alarm??” — and stumble toward the dryer for clean clothes … which are still in the washer. I start a new cycle, then dig through the hamper, literally sniffing for something to wear.

I throw on semi-decent clothes, deodorant, mascara, take my meds — I’m almost out, SHOOT, gotta make an appointment to get another prescription — grab a Fiber One bar on the way out the door …

And then I run back inside to grab my phone. 11:15. YES! I’ll still make it to my meeting!

With time to spare, I run upstairs to kiss my fiancé goodbye and apologize for my morning crankiness. And I’m out the door! Woot!

I run back inside to grab my keys. 11:19. STILL GOOD!

The part where I wish time machines were a thing

As I jump on the freeway, I remember to call my psychiatrist — also that I forgot to charge my phone last night. Gotta decide between my headphones or my charger (thanks, iPhone 7).

4 percent battery? Charger wins. I wish wireless headphones were an option, but I have a hard enough time not losing regular headphones. And technically, they’re on a leash.

I try using the speakerphone but it’s too noisy on the freeway, so I hold the phone up to my ear as I call. The receptionist says there’s only one appointment available before my meds run out — do I want it? “Um … let me check my calendar … ”

Shoot. It’s the same time as coffee with Anna. This would be the second time in a row I’ve canceled on her. Not much choice though.

I’ll make it up to her, I vow … somehow.

I bring the phone back to my ear and see police lights in my rearview mirror. I panic and wonder how long they’ve been following me. The receptionist is halfway through confirming my appointment — I hang up and pull over.

One policeman eyes the dirty plates on my passenger side floor — I call these my car dishes — as the other hands me a ticket. As soon as they turn away, I start bawling. But I’m very aware I deserved it and weirdly grateful for being called out. I’ll definitely drive safer from now on.

Wait, 11:45?!

I get back on the road and check Waze obsessively to see whether I can make up for lost time. I drive faster, but Waze is annoyingly accurate. Eight minutes late as predicted.

Well, not terrible … you don’t really need to call unless you’ll be more than 15 minutes late, right?

Except I still needed to park … and fix my mascara … and walk over.

12:17. Ugh, I should’ve called. “SO sorry I’m late!”

My friend is unfazed. I can’t decide if I’m grateful he isn’t annoyed, or depressed that he expected it.

I tell him that, half joking. But he takes me seriously and says, “I used to have trouble with that, too. So now I just leave early.”

But this is what I hear: “I can do it, why can’t you?”

I don’t know. I try. It never seems to work out. I don’t get it either.

He starts pitching an internet project he wants me to write and I’m having trouble focusing. I’m doing a good job of pretending, though. I’ve got the thoughtful nod down.

Plus, my meds should kick in soon … Seriously though, does he have to talk that slow?

I see a server hand someone a check and I wonder how much my ticket was for. When do I have to pay it by? Do I have to pay by check? Do I even HAVE checks anymore? Wait, did I set up autopay for my new credit card?

I’ve missed half of what he’s saying. Oops. I start playing with my spinner ring to ground my attention. Focusing gets easier, but this doesn’t look as good as the thoughtful nod. I can tell he’s wondering if I’m listening now. Ah, the irony.

Honestly, this project sounds cool. But something feels off — I don’t know what. I have good instincts, but I’m kinda new at this whole “success” thing. I failed pretty regularly the first decade of my adult life.

It’s weird being successful enough that other people want to work with you. It’s even weirder having to decide whether or not they get to.

I awkwardly end the meeting.

Back on schedule — let’s try to keep it that way

I check my bullet journal, the only planner I’ve ever been able to sort of stick to, to see what’s next. Research from 2 to 5pm, dinner 5 to 6pm, writing 6 to 9pm, relax 9 to 11:30pm, bed by midnight. Totally doable.

My meds are in full effect, my focus is good, so I decide to head back home and start early. I should maybe eat lunch, but I’m not hungry. The table next to me orders fries. Fries sound good.

I eat fries.

On my way home, my friend calls. I don’t answer. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to get another ticket, but I know it’s because I don’t want to disappoint him. Maybe I should do his project. It was a cool idea.

Back home, I cuddle up with a soft blanket, and start researching — and realize why I didn’t want to do the project. I reach for my phone and can’t find it. The hunt begins — and ends with me giving up and using the Find My iPhone feature. A loud beeping emerges from my blanket.

I call my friend. He answers. Does anyone else find that slightly weird? I almost never answer when people call. Especially if I might not like what they have to say. Call it phone anxiety, but a text to announce a phone call is the only way to get me to pick up — maybe.

But he answers, so I tell him why I don’t want to write his project: “Because YOU should write it!” I tell him what he said that made me realize it and walk him through how to get started. Now he’s excited. I know he’ll crush at this. I feel successful for the first time today.

Maybe I do know what I’m doing. Maybe I — I hang up and see what time it is. 3:45.

Oops. I’m supposed to be researching dyslexia for an episode.

I throw myself into the research until my alarm goes off at 5, reminding me to stop for dinner. But there’s stuff I still don’t understand yet. Ehhh, I’ll just keep going until 6.

It’s 7 and I’m starving. I grab way too much food — wait, wait.

I bring the food to my desk and begin typing furiously: “Turn ‘reading with dyslexia’ into a game …”

I write half the episode.

I get a better idea.

I start working on that one — WAIT — laundry! Not gonna beat me THIS time!

Switching the clothes to the dryer, I realize my workout clothes aren’t in there. Argh, I missed today so I have to go tomorrow or I’m not gonna feel good.

I grab my yoga pants and a bunch of other clothes off the floor of pretty much every room in the house and start a new load. I remember to set a timer!

I sit back down to write, but the idea doesn’t seem as great now.

Or maybe I don’t really remember it.

ADHD, the after hours

I can tell my meds are wearing off. It’s getting harder to hold all the thoughts in my brain while I work with them. The page in front of me is a random tangle of words. I’m getting frustrated.

The timer goes off. I gotta change the laundry — except the dryer’s still going.

I set the timer for another 10 minutes and head to the couch to hang upside down and try to get my brain to work.

Upside down, I remember I’m trying to get better about work-life balance and wonder if I should stop, even though I haven’t gotten much done. But tomorrow’s super busy, especially now that I have to work out, and — BZZZ.

I race back to the laundry room, take a corner too sharply and run into the wall, bounce off, grab the dry clothes, dump them on my bed, switch over the wet ones, and start the dryer. I race back and check the clock. 9:48.

Okay, I’ll keep working, but I’ll stop at 10:30. And fold the laundry. And relax.

10:30 comes and goes. I find a way back into that idea and I’m in a flow. I can’t stop. This is hyperfocus, and it can be both a blessing and a curse for those of us with ADHD. I write and write, and rewrite and rewrite, until my fiancé comes to check on me and finds me passed out in front of the computer.

He carries me upstairs, sees the pile of clothes on the bed, pushes them aside, and tucks me in. I promise to do better tomorrow, to make more time for us. And to fold the clothes.

He kisses me and tells me that clothes are just clothes, but the stuff we make lasts forever.

I hug him, hard. And see the time over his shoulder — it’s 3am. I’m gonna have to choose between sleep and yoga. Tomorrow’s gonna be another scramble.

Written by Jessica McCabe on July 27, 2017

[justkpopstuffinmyhead]

Yongguk - Dangerously Innocent ♥ [Part 2]

Member: B.A.P’s Bang Yongguk

Pairing: MafiaLeader!Yongguk &  You

Genre: Angst-ish

Warnings: Swearing, Blood, Shooting and other Mafia stuff.

Words: 2,530

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Epilogue.

Three days later - it is Monday already - you prepare yourself to return to work and beg your boss for forgiveness after missing 1.5 weeks of work without an excuse.  You arrive at work a bit early and immediately enter your boss’s office. “Uhm.” You clear your throat. “Mrs. Oh?” You ask and look at your boss who just started noticing you. “Y/N! Oh my God are you alright? I couldn’t believe when your brother came in and told us that you actually slit your ankle on a stone and had to go to the hospital! We wanted to visit you but your brother said that you weren’t allowed any visitors because you had lost so much blood and were on strict bed rest!”She carefully pulls you over to a couch in the corner of her office and sits you down. ’My brother?’ You think to yourself. You are an only child. “Talking about brother. Why did you not tell us that you had such a good looking brother!” she wiggles her eyebrows at you and looks at you again worriedly. “Are you sure that you can work again?” You nod and stand up, assuring her once again that you are sure and that she doesn’t need to worry. As you leave her office you think to yourself that those guys are better than you had thought.

They stocked up your fridge so you would come back to a full one and made sure that your workplace was familiar with their cover up story. What you don’t know is that the man who kidnapped you has friends and that those friends are watching your every step. You walk over to your desk and immediately your colleagues come over to talk to you about your injury. You have to tell the story about seven times and at the end of your shift you almost believe it yourself. You go home after 8pm that day because a lot of work had piled up on your desk and you need to catch up on it quickly. The neighborhood that once seemed safe to you despite its bad reputation now, after it had happened, makes your blood run cold and you are quickly limping through it in order to leave it behind as fast as possible. You don’t know that people are following you silently. Quickly entering your apartment you lock the door after it was falls shut and feel sick with fear after walking through the same street alone in the dark, so you just remove your makeup and go straight to bed, trying not to think about what happened. Ever since Mr. Bang brought you into this black and white room you have nightmares every night and this wasn’t going to change tonight.

You throw yourself from one side to the other and wake up to a loud banging on your door. Sitting up, you are still covered in cold sweat as you scramble to your feet and quickly grab your keys while running to your frontdoor. As you look through your peephole you see dark, curly hair and those cold eyes that are now obviously in pain. You quickly open the door and he stumbles inside and falls onto your couch while you are still closing the door behind him and locking it once again. “Mr. Bang” you gasp and hurry over to him. His thigh is covered in blood and he is swearing under his breath with that dark voice of his. “I need your help” he says and looks at you. “Well, obviously” you reply sassily, feeling more confident now that you are in your own home and not in his office. He gives you a death stare. “You need to remove that bullet out of my thigh and stitch up the gun wound.” He tells you straightforwardly and you just nod, suddenly feeling scared again. “Get you first-aid box.” You hesitate for a second and he just screams “NOW!” You nod and get the first-aid box that you found in your bathroom. Yongguk must have put it there. “Take the scissors and cut my pants open.” He calmly instructs and you do as you are told, your fingers shaking the entire time. There is so much blood on his smooth skin that you aren’t even sure where exactly he is shot. “Now clean up the wound. Carefully.” He tells you and quickly adds “Please.” You do as you are told and clean the wound with a soft, wet towel. “Fuck!” He groans and fists the blanket that is on your couch. “Can you see the bullet?” He wants to know and you carefully feel the wound. “Fuck Y/N careful!” he yells and you look at him angrily “Just Shut up and let me take a look if you want me to remove this thing!” You tell him and he growls at you deeply but keeps his mouth shut. You imagine what the situation would be like if he doesn’t have a bullet stuck in his thigh. Him sitting in front of you with his pants cut all the way to his underwear, growling at you with that insanely deep voice. The thought alone made even more adrenaline pump through your veins. And that has to be the only thing that keeps you going because under normal circumstances the amount of blood would have made you faint long ago. When you carefully put pressure onto the sides of the wound, you can see a small silver piece of metal. “I can see it now.” He hisses in pain and tells you to grab the tweezers and carefully remove the bullet. This is easier said than done but as you finally pull it out you hear him sigh in relieve.  He then tells you exactly how to close the wound and disinfect it. When you are done he looks you deep in the eye. “Thank you” he says and you smile tiredly, sweat running down his forehead as well as yours. “Let’s get you to bed” You say and with your help he makes his way to your bedroom. “Sorry for bleeding all over your stuff.” He says and you sigh. “You’ll pay for it.”Is the only answer he gets and he just agrees. You help him out of his blood-soaked pants and his equally soaked shirt until he is left in his snug boxer shorts; the tattoo on his chest is now clearly visible in the dim light the moon provides. You ignore your burning cheeks and help him remove some of his blood from his body and later put the covers over him. As you sit down next to him you feel his stare on your face. “I won’t call the police. I promise. Just rest.” You assure him and he nods tiredly, a small smile spreading across his face.”Night” he mumbles and you just nod and watch him fall asleep. You quickly follow his example with your head rested on your bed and your arms beneath it. Your eyes are heavy again, now that the adrenaline has left you and you feel worn out.

After resting on your forearms for a few seconds you fall asleep only to wake up hours later by a hand brushing against your cheek carefully. “Your alarm has been ringing for the past four minutes, Y/N. You need to wake up.” His voice is heavy with sleep and sounds strained. You sit up and stretch, trying to get the soreness out of your muscles. He smiles at you tightly as you stand up, shaking out your muscles once again. “I will be gone when you are done with your shift.  But I’ll have Zelo pick you up from your office.” You look at him questioningly. “Why should someone pick me up from work?”  You enquire. “I haven’t been in your neighborhood by accident.  We got a letter yesterday that … friends of the person who pulled you into all this sent. . They are trying to threaten us though you. Kidnapping you, having you tell everything to the police. I will have someone watching you the entire time and take you to our place after work. We will take care of everything else afterwards.” He is already back being the leader he obviously was born to be. “You can’t just pull me out of my everyday life! I have this apartment, a job, friends and a family I need to take care of.” You argue and he sighs. “But without us protecting you there won’t be a you to take care of all those things.” He suggests and you nod thoughtfully understanding how important this is Fortunately your family lives across the country and should be save, but in order to keep it that way you should probably follow his instructions. “Can I at least like… Pack some stuff. Like clothes and you will take it with you.” He nods and you quickly stand up. “I will pack now and then go to work.” You say quickly and pack all your favorite clothes and everything else that is necessary to go through the day comfortably such as your laptop, a cable to charge your phone, your toothbrush.  You then take a quick shower and dress in one of your favorite dresses that you would regularly wear for work. As you come back to the bedroom, your hair in a high ponytail, Yongguk looks at you in awe and can’t do anything but smile. It is the biggest smile you have seen from him until now “I got you some pain meds. They should numb the pain for a while so you can get back without screaming down the entire neighborhood” He quickly thanks you “Bye Mr. Bang!” you say “Yongguk. My name is Bang Yongguk” he answers and you smile at him. “Goodbye Yongguk” you correct yourself and make your way out of your apartment, rushing to work as quickly as possible with your leg.

Your colleagues all look at your bandaged ankle with pity and help you whenever you need to crouch or pick something up. When work is finally over at 5pm you walk outside, expecting to find another man dressed in a black and white suite to pick you up but are surprised to find a young, mischievous looking boy with black hair standing outside, leaning against a black motorcycle, a helmet in his hand and another one on the machine. “Zelo?” you ask, remembering the name Yongguk told you. “You have to be Y/N” He says and bows lightly. Your Boss comes outside at the exact moment and looks at Zelo, smiling brightly. “That’s so nice of you to pick up your sister! But next time you should take the car to do so, young man” She says teasingly. You look at him with big eyes and mouth “Sister?”At him but he ignores you and just smiles brightly at your boss. “I will remember to do so Ma’am.”  He says playfully and waves his hand at her as she makes her way down the street. “So you are the one who told them about everything?” You ask and he just nods, handing you one of the helmets. “Yup.” He says, smiling cheekily. Zelo looks more like a young boy than a member of a mafia group. You take the helmet awkwardly and look at it questioningly, not entirely sure how to put it on safely. Zelo sights and grabs it roughly from your hands and put it on your head, pushing the visor back. “Let’s go.” He says, helping you onto the bike and shouting. “Hold on tight!” Over the roaring of the machine. You do as you are told and as soon as he feels your tight grip around his waist he rushes off. You press your eyes shut and wait for it to be over, fearing for your life. Sooner than you expected Zelo turns off the bike and helps you off it, pulling the helmet off your head. “Here we are.” He says and you look at the familiar building. Your frown quickly changes to a smile when you see Himchan waiting for you at the door and you limp over as quickly as you can. “Doctor!” You exclaim and he smiles back at you warmly. “How are you doing Y/N? And I told you when you left that you should call me Himchan” he scolds you jokingly. “I am fine. It still hurts but it’s fine. Himchan” you add and he smiles, feeling satisfied. “Let’s go. Yongguk is waiting for you.” He says and you are being guided down the halls.

He isn’t taking you to Yongguks office but to another room. When the single, wooden door open you enter another black and white room, but other than the one you stayed in, the bed sheets are a deep burgundy red. Yongguk is covered in those sheets and fast asleep. You grab Himchans arm “He’s asleep. I should come back later.” You say and Himchan just shakes his head. “Yongguk asked to be woken up if something happened or when you returned” he explains and carefully shakes the man’s arm to wake him up.  “Did something happen?” Yongguk asks, immediately wide awake, his voice so dark that shivers run down your spine and arms. Himchan just steps aside to allow their leader to look at you. “Hi” You whisper shyly and he smiles at you, bigger this time. More cheerful. You walk over to his bed and Himchan claps your shoulder as he walks past you out of the room. “How was work?” He says and lifts himself up into a sitting position. “Okay. Busy and my colleagues asked a lot of questions regarding my ankle.” You answer and help him up. He pats the space next to him on the bed and you sit down carefully, brushing you dress straight beforehand. “How are you doing?” You ask, looking at his leg that is covered by the blanket. “Better, thanks to you. I got good pain meds and Himchan checked the wound again. You did good work. He was really impressed by it.” He tells you and a warm, proud feeling fills your chest. “I did my best, despite my grumpy patient” You tell him, smiling down at your hands. “Thank you.” He says again and covers your fumbling hands in your lap with his. You look at him, his good looks and unexpectedly warm smile making you blush furiously. “Your room is just down the hall. It’s the one you were in last time. I would keep talking to you but I’m on strict bed rest and those meds make me feel dizzy. If you need anything just ask someone. They are all prepared to help you with whatever you need.” He explains and you stand up, leaving the room, but not without taking a last look at the handsome man in this burgundy bed sheets, remembering how he colored you couch a similar shade of red last night. You eat a quick dinner and go to bed early that night, trying to make sense of this mess.

[granborough-station]

I always seem to travel at a time when my life is changing, and I always seem to travel in the autumn, so I suppose I could say my life changes most in the autumn.  It’s probably not true; it’s probably the same thing that makes the clock always read 11:11 when you look at it or the new word you just learned to suddenly be everywhere.  I travel in autumn and life is always changing, and since I tend to be more introspective than usual when I’m traveling, it feels like everything changes in the autumn.  Certainly, though, I’ve had some major changes this time of year--this trip is a memory, in a way, of the death of my mother, which happened this time of year five years ago--so I suppose I can’t rule it out completely.

The days leading up to my trip were tremendously awful.  

My insulin dose had been adjusted a few days prior, and rather than do the expected thing when you’re given more insulin and dropping low, my glucose levels skyrocketed to the point that I was afraid I’d have to go to the emergency room.  Instead, I pushed on and was rewarded with a rollercoaster that made me leave work early the day before my flight, sick and shaking.  I got home at 5pm and slept straight through until 3pm the next morning, at which point I forced myself to get up, since I still had things to do before meeting a friend for Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry.  This was probably a mistake; in my defense, I was hoping this would make me sleep on the plane and awake refreshed when I arrived, but of course it didn’t happen that way.

The museum and the friend were lovely, and a great way to start the whole holiday.  I really highly recommend the MSI for anyone visiting Chicago; it’s not cheap, but it’s not the most expensive museum in the city, and it’s well worth the fare (especially if you’re an IL resident like I am and go during the free admission days!).  The friend gave me a ride to the airport and things at the airport went just fine.  The woman at the counter checked my passport and my bag and even moved me to a better seat than the one I’d selected (though, sadly, still not a window seat--perhaps for the best, though, considering the stomach distress my illness was causing).

Then things went a little...rough.  Rough air, precisely: we had the worst turbulence I’ve had on an international flight, ever.  Normally turbulence on an international flight is just a little bit of rolling and is reasonably short lived, but on this flight the turbulence was so extreme the whole thing seemed to be rattling my teeth out of my head, and it was so frequent and persistent that they started and stopped and restarted the dinner service three or four times.  Considering all I’d had that day to that point was a cup of chili and some crackers (since that was all I was willing to risk keeping down), I was a little bit frustrated by the time dinner did come out.  It wasn’t very good, either--British Airways living up to the idea that English food is horrible, haha.  Anyway, between the turbulence and the hunger and the crying baby (yes, there was one of those), I found it impossible to catch more than an hour’s sleep (ironically enough, I put on the new remake of The Mummy, stayed awake long enough to see the gorgeous Sophia Boutella a few minutes, and the moment she was replaced with Tom Cruise I fell asleep and slept until the credits were rolling!).  By the time I landed in London, I was hungry, tired, and sleepy.

The less said about border control, the better.  Terminal 5′s border control was immensely slow, and I missed Terminal 4 so much.  That, more than the uncomfortable seats, poor food, and uninteresting in flight entertainment will send me back to more familiar airlines--sorry, BA.  After more than an hour in line through customs, I literally walked up to the desk and placed my passport and landing card in the officer’s hand--yes, 12 days, holiday, thank you--and was done.  I’d made the assumption that I’d be able to charge my phone--and there’s another gripe for another day, because my phone is not unlocked as I’d hoped it would be--on the plane, so I ended up sitting at a port plugging in and charging and eating a cheese sandwich.  

I was meant to meet a friend to go to the Tate around 11 or so, but after finally eating something satisfying and sitting so long charging my phone, I found myself nearly blacking out on the tube into the city, so I negotiated an hour’s nap--and then promptly scared her by sleeping through my alarms and not waking up until three hours had passed--nearly time for the show we were both going to see.  In the end, I managed to pry myself out of the bed with a crowbar and get myself to the station where, after I wandered around Angel like a lost puppy for half an hour, she took mercy on me and found me.  We went to her hotel so she could give me a prize I’d won in a raffle--an incredibly gorgeous calendar--and then we headed to the theatre, where we had drinks and I inhaled a halloumi salad before the show started.

I love visiting the Almeida Theatre.  It’s one of my very favorites in perhaps the world, to say nothing of its superiority here in London.  Their programming is always phenomenal, and we saw a controversial new play called Against by Christopher Shinn.  It was an interesting play, but I’m not certain whether I liked it or not.  It’s very well acted, and I’m seeing it again Tuesday, so I’m interested to see how I feel about it when it’s more familiar to me.  I have a more in-depth response to the show over on my main blog, if you’re interested in learning more.  After the show there was a talkback that seemed less about the show itself than about volleyball, which I’m quite alright with, as it ended up in Ben Whishaw very enthusiastically talking about why volleyball is very important, which was adorable.

After the talkback, my friend and I sat in the bar and had drinks and talked about the show, and then when the bar closed, we moved to the lobby, where we chatted until we were both wiped from a busy day of travel and good theatre.  I headed back to my airbnb, which is absolutely amazing, by the way--I can send a link to the listing for anyone who’s looking, but it’s a Victorian semi-detached that’s been converted into flats, and my host and her partner live on the top flat.  My host is a plumber, and she’s been restoring the place, so there are the most beautiful green ceramic tiles in the kitchen (where I’m writing this next to the huge window that opens onto the houses behind it) and painted tiles in the hall--and vintage fixtures in the bathroom.  The pictures in the listing don’t do it justice at all--I don’t think photos could, really--and the price was very, very affordable.  Either way, my host and her partner have gone on a mini-break and so it’s been fun to do the shopping and pretend a little bit that this could be my place!

[autodidact-adventures]

World War I (Part 11): August 1st

The tsar's telegram to the kaiser, telling him that Russia had to mobilize, and they accepted that Germany must too, but it need not mean war, could possibly had worked – were it not for the inflexibility of Germany's military plans.  Germany couldn't possibly mobilize their forces into a stand-off while negotiations were worked out.

A postponement of hostilities for the purpose of negotiating, without a specific time limit, would wreck their plans to defeat France before having to fight Russia.  Russia would gain an advantage, and as time passed, that advantage would grow.  (France would also gain an advantage, although to a lesser extent.)  When the kaiser suggested something like this, the Chief of Staff Helmuth von Moltke refused it, coming close to calling the idea insane.

Moltke had become Chief of Staff in 1906, and ever since then, he'd been working on a top-secret plan for fighting a two-front war.  This plan was called the Schlieffen Plan, named after Alfred von Schlieffen (his predecessor), who had first suggested it.  But Moltke made it into Germany's only military option.  He'd spent about 10yrs working on it and tinkering with it, trying to make it work. It relied upon speed – speed was essential.  So anything that slowed Germany down could allow Russia to get into the war before France could be taken out.

Nicholas has promised to “take no provocative action” while mobilizing, but what he didn't know was that to Moltke, the very act of mobilization itself was provocative action.  Russia was trying to demonstrate how serious the situation was, in order to get the Central Powers to negotiate.  But it had the opposite effect. Germany, like all the great powers, was scared of appearing weak, and of seeming like Russia's mobilization had forced them to negotiate.

It wasn't just the speed issue.  Moltke and his staff had turned the Schlieffen plan into an inevitability if war broke out – and the inflexibility of their plan meant that they had to invade France (via Belgium and Luxembourg) as part of mobilization.  They hadn't imagined a situation where this wouldn't work, or where it would be better to do something else.

So now the generals told Wilhelm that only Russia could prevent war, and they could only do so by accepting the double ultimatum, and stopping all military action.  The deadline for the ultimatum was noon on Saturday, August 1st.

Neither Russia nor France responded to the ultimatum.  Moltke & Falkenhayn urged the kaiser to declare war between Germany & Russia, and Chancellor Hollweg reluctantly agreed with them.  Wilhelm did so.  The declaration was telegraphed to Germany's ambassador to Russia, Friedrich von Pourtalès.  He was instructed to deliver it at 6pm, but he wouldn't receive it until 5:45pm, and he would have to decode it before taking it to Sazonov.

Later that afternoon, the German ambassador to Paris asked Viviani for France's response to the ultimatum.  Viviani told him that, “France will have to regard her own interests.”  An hour later, France announced a general mobilization – Joffre had warned that every 24hrs of delay would lose them 10-12 miles of territory once war began.

15min later, Wilhelm also agreed to mobilize, and the order was made public at 5pm.  It was a solemn ceremony, with the kaiser inviting Bethmann and some of Germany's most senior military officials to be witnesses.  Many of them had tears in their eyes.

After that, they waited for word from Pourtalès, and while they waited, they began to discuss what would happen next.  An argument soon ensued.  Admiral Alfred von Tirpitz, who lead the German High Seas Fleet, said that they didn't need mobilization or a war declaration – they should allow all reasonable possibilities of negotiation to play themselves out.  The kaiser was uncertain, but the others disagreed.  Moltke & Falkenhayn insisted that they must not delay mobilization.  Bethmann said that what they needed now was a formal declaration of war (he would never have agreed to mobilization if they hadn't got full confirmation of Russia's mobilization).

Suddenly, Gottlieb von Jagow, head of the foreign office, burst into the room, interrupting the argument.  A message had just arrived from Ambassador Lichnowsky (their ambassador in London).  It was still being decoded, but it seemed to be important, and it would be ready within minutes.

Tirpitz said that this was good reason to delay the mobilization, at least until they heard the message.  Moltke & Falkenhayn said that that was nonsense, and they left to oversee the mobilization.

The message was quite surprising.  Lichnowsky said that Sir Edward Grey (British Foreign Secretary) had just phoned him, asking that “if I [Lichnowsky] thought I could assure him that in case France should remain neutral in a Russo-German war, we would not attack the French.”

This was just before a meeting of the British cabinet was about to be held.  Lichnowsky had said to Grey “that I could take responsibility for such a guaranty, and he [Grey] is to use this assurance at today's cabinet session.”

The kaiser and Bethmann were extremely pleased with this turn of events.  This would be a great diplomatic victory, and they would be free to deal with Russia without having to worry about France.

Moltke & Falkenhayn were summoned back to the palace, and the message was read to them.  The kaiser ordered Moltke, “We shall simply march the whole army east!”

Moltke was the nephew of the great Field Marshal Helmuth von Moltke, who had led the Prussian army to victory in the 1866 Austro-Prussian War, and then the Prussian & Germany armies to victory in the 1870 Franco-Prussian War.  Moltke (the younger) had benefited from being his namesake, and it was probably why he had become Chief of Staff.  But he was not like his uncle.  He was insecure, gloomy, and constantly worried about the future, believing that Germany's enemies were quickly growing stronger, and soon their position would be hopeless.  He'd even thought about a preventive war (which Bismarck had disparaged as “committing suicide out of fear of death”), but he'd never actually suggested it, or prepared for it.  In 1914, he was 67yrs old, recovering from a bronchial infection, and tired. No-one thought of him as a military genius.

But despite all this, he was a competent and experienced soldier, and what the kaiser said astonished him.  Later, he would write, “I assured his Majesty what this wasn't possible.  The deployment of an army of a million men was not a matter of improvisation.  It was the product of a whole year's work – of timetables that once worked out could not be changed.  If his Majesty insisted on leading the whole army eastwards, he would not have an army ready to strike, he would have a confused mass of disorderly armed men without commissariat.”

Furthermore, if they turned east, France would have 62 army divisions at their back, ready to attack them.  How on earth could Britain guarantee 100% that France would leave them be?

The kaiser responded very insultingly to this: “Your uncle would have given me a different answer.”  Moltke would say later, “This pained me a great deal, for I have never pretended to be the equal of the great Field Marshal.”

He tried to explain to Wilhelm why it wouldn't work.  Once the mobilization plan had been executed, they then could start moving troops east.  But he couldn't accept the responsibility for the military consequences of halting this execution.

Bethmann interrupted and said that he couldn't accept political responsibility for not responding positively to Britain's offer.  Eventually, a compromise was worked out.  Falkenhayn and Moltke went into a side room, and Falkenhayn argued that they had to at least slow down the mobilization – they could halt the army at the Luxembourg border.  Moltke gave in.  This could work for a while (but only for hours, not days).

But the kaiser's joy was premature.  The message turned out to be inaccurate, and it's not certain exactly what happened.  Probably Grey had been tossing out an idea to see what sort of response he would get.  He might have been unclear in what he said – everyone was exhausted by this point.  At any rate, he certainly wouldn't have intended for Germany to use the idea as an opportunity to delay fighting France so they could deal with Russia first.  Nor would he have expected it.  He probably was hoping that Germany could organize a defensive position while the Austro-Hungarian dispute was worked out.

Lichnowsky had been an exceptional ambassador during this situation, understanding the dangers and telling his government what it didn't want to hear.  Even back in 1912, before taking the job in London, he had told Wilhelm, “it is understandable that each increase in Serbian power and her expansion towards the sea is regarded with alarm by the Austrian statesmen; but it would be incomprehensible if we should run even the faintest risk of becoming involved in a war for such a cause.”  Now, his feelings on the matter were even stronger, and he was always forthright in saying so.  It's possible that he assumed too much, hearing what he wanted to hear.

So for a few hours, Wilhelm was working on new schemes and hoping that it could turn out all right after all.  The German foreign ministry cabled Lichnowsky, telling him that Britain would have to guarantee French neutrality, and that they'd give them until 7pm the next day to make the arrangements.  Germany would refrain from attacking until then.

But another message from London arrived, and crushed the false hopes that had been raised.  Lichnowsky reported that Grey had met with his cabinet, and said to him that a German violation of Belgian neutrality “would make it difficult for the Government here to adopt an attitude of friendly neutrality.”  The fact that Germany had been unable to promise they'd respect Belgian neutrality “has caused an unfavourable impression.”

Grey had asked again if it would be possible for France and Germany “to remain facing each other under arms, without attacking each other, in the event of a Russian war.”  But there was no more suggestion that Britain was promising neutrality in return for that.

So, overall, Grey was basically offering nothing.  Not only that, but he was strongly implying that Britain would probably fight with France if war broke out, especially if Germany invaded Belgium.

The kaiser was furious.  He raged about the deceitful English (his feelings about Britain were usually a complicated mixture of admiration, envy and resentment).  He then put the original plans back in motion, and told Moltke that mobilization could go forward as they'd originally intended.

Later, he would scribble in the margins of Grey's last message, “My impression is that Mr. Grey is a false dog who is afraid of his own meanness and false policy, but who will not come out into the open against us, preferring to let himself be forced by us to do it.” In this, he did have a point.

In St. Petersburg, the Ambassador Pourtalès was admitted to Sazonov's office not long after 7pm.  These two men were friends, although they'd been quite at odds during July (for obvious reasons). Pourtalès had been in St. Petersburg for 7yrs, and was quite fond of Russia.  He was old, and preparing for retirement.  Like others, he'd had little sleep for days.  He asked Sazonov quietly if Russia would accept the double ultimatum.

Sazonov was also exhausted.  He'd just come from a meeting with the British ambassador, where he'd been trying to reassure him that Russia's mobilization didn't necessarily mean war.  He told Pourtalès what the tsar had told the kaiser earlier – it wasn't possible to halt mobilization, but Russia still wanted to negotiate and avoid war.

Pourtalès took a copy of the ultimatum from his pocket and read it aloud, adding that the consequences of refusal would be serious. Sazonov repeated himself, and Pourtalès repeated that the consequences would be serious.

Sazonov said, “I have no other reply to give you.”

Pourtalès replied, “In that case, sir, I am instructed by my government to hand you this note.”  He had two messages (both were declarations of war) – one for if Russia refused the ultimatum, and the other for if they didn't reply.  In his confusion, he gave both to Sazonov.

The two men burst into tears (later, each would say that the other had cried first).  They embraced, and then pulled apart and began to accuse each other.

“This was a criminal act of yours,” Sazonov said.  “The curses of the nations will be upon you.”

Pourtalès said, “We were defending our honour.”  Sazonov replied, “Your honour was not involved.”  Finally they parted forever, with Sazonov helping Pourtalès to the door.

[remembermemorablememories]

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

post #414

main points:

- ultrasound

- wawa for lunch

- packing camera and gear

- issues with external drives (almost thought i lost everything/corrupted)

- dad’s birthday dinner!!

- drive to newark hotel

today i:

- woke up at 9am to my alarm. dad left me a luggage suitcase lock. i got out of bed and went straight to the radiology place in the hospital. i searched the car before i left and found my keys that i was looking for last night. it was in a weird position in the back seat, almost falling through the seats into the trunk (it was a crv with open trunk). i was like ?? but glad i found it

i put in the address and drove there. but then realized that there was another similar address but in a different town. i quickly drove there (fortunately it was only 10 minutes away) and then ran inside, calling ahead to tell them i’d be a bit late

i got there around 10:10am for a 10am appointment. first i was briefly checked in and updated my primary number to my home phone since i’ll be abroad/unable to take calls. i was shown in around 10:20am and a woman took an ultrasound of my abdomen. it was a lot of “deep breath and hold it” on all sides, then she sent it to a radiologist and i was out of there. very easy and simple, and my doctor will get results of it tomorrow

- picked up wawa on the way home. got mom a bbq cheesesteak and myself a bacon avocado sandwich + mac and cheese chicken fingers

started watching bob’s burgers but mom came down and we chatted a bit, she was talking about some of her meetings and how they were going

- started packing up all of my camera gear (gorilla pod, drone), organizing liquids in a plastic bag, getting shoes, swimming trunks, all the leftover stuff. i decided to set up my new external hard drive i ordered and i had to update NTFS for mojave i’m guessing cause a bunch of prompts showed up

then i tried to copy christmas 2018 photos from california to my old seagate hard drive and it wasn’t working cause it was only on read-only. i thought this was weird and tried using NTFS paragon on seagate instead of WD. but then... it crashed... or at least was taking a while. and suddenly i couldn’t access my seagate hard drive... i was low key freaking out cause it had stuff from the past four years of college

i tried plugging it on my PC and that didn’t work either... so then i tried back on my computer and saw an option to “verify” it. it ran for maybe 20-30 minutes and suddenly it was fixed. i was watching the detailed logs say it was verifying files and folders. i looked into it and apparently there’s a “dirty” bit set for NTFS drives if they’re corrupted. the verifier “chksum” or something like that is the only thing that can set it back. thank god it fixed itself

- took a long shower. shaved, replaced bandaid on dog bite. moved stuff out of our grandparents room to my room, packed up all my remaining stuff (finding swim trunks) and then i was all set to go :D 

- dad got back from work around 5pm, and then sheena got back from rehearsal around 5:30pm with a fruit cheesecake for dad’s birthday!! yay :) mom had gone out to go swimming around 4pm but also got back around 6pm and then we went to a nearby steakhouse that we’ve been trying to go to for dinner the past few weekends. they had a bit of a wait (even after i put my name down on the waitlist over the phone) but eventually we got seated

it was a decent meal, got a caesar salad, chicken roll appetizers, and a filet main dish with cauliflower. but i think the chef might’ve screwed up cause mom and i both got medium and dad got medium rare. but mom got medium rare, and dad and i got what looked like well done.... rip.... 

while we were eating we also talked with sheena a bit about her game plan with the SAT cause she wants to take it earlier and get it out of the way in june but we strongly suggested taking it later in august so she could have more quality time to study and also take care of her mental health/not stress herself out so much

- came back home and ate the fruit cheesecake and sang dad happy birthday!! :) it was very wholesome. i took some videos from dinner and the cake and sent it to the fam

- around 9pm, i got my stuff (all ready) and said good bye to mom and sheena. then dad and i drove to the hotel near newark. on the car ride dad told me about the back story of how he met owen’s dad (through rooming in college at san marcos), currency value/printing money, and some other stuff. i drove us there so that dad didn’t have to drive all the way (just the trip back)

- checked in around 10:30pm, and said good bye to dad and wished him a happy birthday. then chilled in my hotel room watching the end of now you see me 2 on FX, while typing yesterday’s blog post and today’s

it’s 11:57pm. i need to wake up at 5am tomorrow. yikes. early flight at 7:30am yay :upside down smile:

i’m still not sure what i’m gonna do in regards to daily blogging while traveling. because i feel like i’m gonna be really tired to do it at the end of the day every night... but i guess we’ll see. maybe i’ll do highlights. but i’ll also be recording/vlogging so like... do i need to blog really? but it’s also nice to have the big overview. argh idk. i have also been thinking about stopping this for a while now. it’s getting to be a lot. maybe just more condensed thoughts instead of so detailed the way i do now?

anywho, i’m gonna go to sleep

[ikefonseca]

Out of the Fire.

Monday morning I had woken up with a new hope and sense of reassurance that it was going to be ok. I was waiting for the phone call letting me know that my truck was all ready to pick up from the shop. So I spent the morning sending out emails and trying to catch up on a little work. Eventually I did get the call from the repair shop that my rear axles had to be replaced as well. And that it was going to be quite a bit more than expected. Also that they called around all over and couldn't find anyone in town that had the parts in needed. I'm trying not to panic because I know that it's not going to help solve my situation but DAMN! Sweet mother of god can I catch a brake here? Alright back on the hustle it is. I start calling places all over town. Hoping that between all of us we can find what we need to get me rolling again. It was evening by the time I finally heard back from the shop. They had found one. I still needed the other side to make this work but one was better than nothing. He said they will keep searching first thing in the morning. I had originally planned on leaving first thing Tuesday morning to head to Albuquerque. Luckily I had given myself until Wednesday to get there. If I can locate the part and get it to them in time I can leave first thing in the morning Wednesday and still make it to my show in Albuquerque on time. Late Tuesday morning I found a place in Glendale that had what I needed. It was at wrecking yard about 25 minutes away from where I was staying. They told me they could have it ready tomorrow afternoon or I could come down and pull it off myself. Waiting until tomorrow is not an option so I called a cab and headed towards the wrecking yard. When I get to the place it takes me a minute to find the truck I need through the land of broken dreams. The final resting place for so many trucks and cars. I found the truck that had my part. Now I only needed one and luckily for me this truck only had one on it to spare. With some small struggle I finally removed the part. The walk back through the wrecking yard with the axle in my greased covered hands I felt such a rush of accomplishment and pride. Almost as if I had just battled a wild beast and was now walking out of the jungle carrying its head as a trophy. Ok a little dramatic, but hey I was excited. My cousin picked me up after he got off work and took me out to Tempe where the repair shop was. I dropped off the axle and and let them get to work. If everything goes right I'll have Champ back tonight and make it to Albuquerque in plenty of time for my show. On the drive back to Glendale I get a call from the shop. I thought oh nice that was quick! Nope. Apparently the axle that they had found had the wrong bolt pattern and would not work. They told me that they could get one with the right bolt pattern from a guy they know that happen to have one. One. But they couldn't get it until the morning. Just to give you a little timeline refresher, tomorrow morning is Wednesday. I'm booked to play in Albuquerque Wednesday night and it's a 6 and a half hour drive. At this point all I can say now is, it is what it is. I told them I have to be on the road by 11 to make this work. 12:30pm was my absolute deadline if I was going to make the show, and that's If I drive like a bat out of hell. They told that the axle would be there first thing in the morning by 7:30am and would get picked up by the shop to get the bearings pressed. Ok, so again, if everything goes right I could be on the road in time to make Albuquerque. I told ok I'll see you in the morning and we headed to my cousins house. The silver lining about this whole situation is that I'm able to spend time with my family in Phoenix. My aunt, cousins and their kids. It's actually been a real treat. If I hadn't had that I most likely would have completely lost my shit by now. Alright it's Wednesday morning and it's go time! I'm like a kid on the first day of school. Up at five and ready to roll. My cousin let me use his ride after he went to work. So I made made my way to the shop. Low and behold they had the axle there first thing. Yes! This was going to work out. Just have to wait for the delivery driver for the shop down the way to show up and go get the bearings pressed. Perfect right? Nope. This delivery driver took his sweet ass time getting there. Over two hours later he shows up and takes the part. The shop that presses the bearings is only 14 minutes away. This should take long at all. Waiting.....still waiting. Where the hell is this guy? It's now noon. My window for being on time tonight is closing fast. I told the shop that I would go pick it up myself. I don't how quick I got there but it was definitely under the 14 minutes that google suggested it would take. Part in hand, I got it back to the shop. I now have all the pieces to hellish puzzle. All they have to do now is put it together I'm off! I'll be a little late but I'll get there. I had already called the place I was playing in Albuquerque to let them know and they were super understanding about it. Yes! It's all going to work out! Nope. As I watch them struggle getting the drum on I know that something is up. Not a good sign when you see all three shop guys standing there staring at your truck confused as hell. Well they finally figured it out. They axle that they had found, the one I just had pressed and took all morning was the wrong one. It was an axle made for disc brakes not drum brakes. There was no way they could've know so I'm not mad at them, I'm just mad at my situation. So pretty much this means I need to find another axle to leave town. It took me over three days to find one. At this point I don't know if I'm ever going to get out of here. Albuquerque canceled. I've only missed one show once in 20 years and this was going to be my second. It killed me to make that call. Luckily they were again super understanding. And rescheduled me for Thursday. There's hope! I'm still left with the task of finding an axle for a 1969 f-100. The guy at the shop told me that he found one. Only thing is that the place closes at 5pm and it's 35 minutes away. Its 4:25 and rush hour. Challenge accepted! I still have my cousins car there because he hasn't picked it up yet. I'm not gonna lie, what happened next is kind of a blur. It's almost as if I was suddenly driving in the indie 500 and I was in first place. This wrecking yard was super far out of town. So far that by the time I got to the exit it felt like had gotten off the highway in some weird David Lynch movie. I called the place and told them I was almost there and the guy told that they have to set the alarm at 5pm. It's now 4:57. I pull into the parking lot and run into the place up to the counter. 4:59 pm. I let out a huge FUCK YEAH!!!! I look across the counter and it's this super country old timer looking at me like I'm bat shit crazy. I don't even care. I gladly pay for the part and head back to the shop. My cousin was there by the time I got back. Gave his keys and gave him a hug. Said my goodbyes and he went back to his place. I handed over the axle to the guys at the shop and let them put Champ back together again. It's about six o'clock now and I'm finally seeing it work. Everything fits and it's really going to work this time! By 7 pm I hear the sweetest sound. Champ rumbling around the corner of the shop. It's over. I've got my buddy back. I can't thank James and the rest of the crew at Just Brakes shop in Tempe enough for sticking this out with me and getting me back on the road. They really did do a stand up job. I usually don't like night driving but nothing was going to stop me tonight. I headed out of town up to the mountains on my way to Albuquerque. I'm so happy. Now I not only have Phoenix my rear view mirror but also the safety blanket of having friends and family close by. California and Arizona have be great because I had taken my time and gotten to see so many friendly faces the whole way. It doesn't even seem like I left Portland 20 days ago already. I've still got long road to New York. A whole month to be exact. New people to meet. New things to see and experience. And I get to do what I love more than anything the whole way. Truly blessed. Thank you to everyone who helped me out of this jam. It means everything to me. It really does. I promise to you I will do my best and make every day of this crazy life count. As I drive through the night through the mountains I ride in complete silence. Just Champ, the road and I. So peaceful. I made it to highway 40 which will take me to Albuquerque in the morning. That's all I have in me today. I crawled into the back of Champ and closed the hatch, not only to this day but to the chapter of this tale that has been Phoenix Arizona. I'll see you all in the morning. To be continued...

[a-sloths-diary-blog]

"Naivety can only blind you for so long"

5th, 11th, 15th and 20th, respectively these are very critical in my arrival back from and my start to University again. Unfortunately, these are not positive however very negative as the surrounding issue is of something less fortunate.

On the 5th Mai returned, I was so happy to see her, all the annoyance and anguish dissipated out of my system and I was so delighted to see her, we enjoyed the entire week being drunk and just having fun. Maybe I should host sessions like that again to recover the broken bond, the chains that were holding us as one have been shattered slightly as time went on from that period. The first week of university was decent. She and I were very amicable and ordinary, despite her being dramatic, sometimes over the top, and bitchy (we all are a bit) I decided to let it go because of my happiness to no longer be alone.

This suddenly changed on the 11th when we had our first argument over the most silliest of things. The TV show named the “Undateables” appeared on her feed and she showed me and Joe three clips of the show. Just beforehand we collaboratively made a Shepherd’s Pie together so a good aura and energy was in the air. I have a date that was planned the following day so I was pretty nervous but excited. Anyway to the point, after the three clips were shown of these people who had learning difficulties of some sort being paired with others of a similar heritage, I made the comment saying “Oh, I feel bad for them”. Joe and Mai inquired so I continued, explaining how I felt it was a little mean to brand them as “Undateable”, how they didn’t really have a choice of being with somebody that was “Dateable”. Being called “Undateable” isn’t particularly a nice comment. I had no background knowledge of the show, my opinion was merely an assumption with no valid evidence behind apart from the three clips I had watched. Joe agreed with my comment but Mai on the other hand did not, fair, you can not agree with everything a human says right? She stated that its not being they get to date people who do not have learning disabilities. I continued and said “But, a TV show with the name “Undateable” with people who were born a certain way, its feels mean” she said that I was wrong – that at the end of the show its liberating, fulfilling and all these amazing other things towards them because they find a match and blah blah blah – in her eyes I was wrong, there was no methods or ways for me to be right in the situation. Joe reluctantly said that he agreed with what I said, trying not to take sides I’m guessing which fair play to him, I would’ve done the same. Either way, I stated that my comment was my opinion and I and she would have to agree to disagree because we can’t agree on everything that is set out in front of us. Instead of burying the hatchet, she prefers to have the last word conveying that “In my opinion, I think you’re wrong” blah blah blah, social justice, self-righteousness, evidence A and B. I should of maybe left it there but she kinda ticked me off and so I continued, “It’s not as black as white as you think it is, there are shows such as the ‘Batchelor’ that have ‘desirable’ men and women on their – compare to this show about ‘Undateable’ people from the three clips I’ve seen and the name seems hurtful in its brand. I’ve only seen three clips but I’m not talking about the end game of the show, I’m talking about the name” she replied with another self-righteous comment to which our bickering made Joe shortly yet promptly, leave the room. She blamed me saying “Look what you’ve done”, - “Mai, this is a 2 person debate, It was both of us” I’m not speaking to a brick wall that is not replying. I got up for a drink and we continued and continued and I saw no way of her leaving the situation where it was, she just wanted to win and have a different opinion that others – its amazing to be individual don’t get me wrong but to the point where you’re doing it purposefully to just have a title in an argument of having a different point to convey for the sake of debating is pointless. I left saying “I’m leaving it here before it gets worse, its just a debate nothing personal or serious” to which she replied as I was leaving “Yeah you’re just walking away, your like those self-entitled feminist bitches that think everyone is being oppressed”. I ignored and went in my room – it was almost time to sleep almost 12 (not that that was my excuse for leaving) but at least it was not like 5pm where I would not have a lot to do maybe.

Anyway she also stormed off to her room 5 minutes after me, slammed and locked her door. Dramatic as per usual but what you gonna do.

I went to sleep, annoyed, overthinking as usual but got some rest eventually. The fire alarm had to go off in the morning at 3AM didn’t it, gotta love the halls of residence. Not even exaggerating I was in bed thinking it was a dream, I had my hands over my ears but after realising this illusion, I got up to get my stuff. Slightly opening the door, forgetting my slippers, Mai is outside my room “Come on babe, fire alarm, we have to go”. I, with a face that could properly turn Medusa herself to stone was like “I need my slippers”, I was so tired and annoyed at being awoken from my slumber.

When we got outside the halls of residence, Mai apologised saying she took it too far, at the time I didn’t apologise back, I was overwhelmed with the situation of the alarm going off and being tired and grouchy that I just said its no problem, it was nothing personal. In the morning, I did apologise saying that I was tired in the previous situation and that’s why at the time I did not say much about the scenario but she seemed to take full responsibility of it and we moved on. I still held it at the back of my mind for later reference but still, I was glad we were kind of normal once again.

It was after this that I noticed more of her bitching side more often, as soon as someone left the room she would start saying negative things about them. I do the same don’t get me wrong, but at least before I do it, I slip it into the conversation its usually going to be directed towards. E.g. Joanne will say something “I moan a lot” and I’ll agree saying “Yeah, more than a lot”. So at least if I do talk about it with someone, and they hear it, at the very least it does not come as a surprise to them.

She talks about Cat frequently and her dishes not being washed up “She never washes her plates up and expects others to do it for her” I disagreed with her last time conveying that I saw her do so.

She also made a sly comment about me today but I think she was getting my reference towards her and her ignorance with cleaning the kitchen. She was like “People need to wash the communal stuff once it’s been used” and Sasha was like “That doesn’t bother me too much with Mai, or J_____ because he always cleans my knives as soon as he uses them” Mai’s reply? “Oh okay, maybe we can forget about that one.”

As I distance myself away from her, I feel crude but it’s not done maliciously but rather because she’s annoying me. We may be growing apart this way but it saves an argument that she will try to dominate. As much as I tell her the things that annoy me about her, she will try to match it with things that annoy her about me. Which is fine, nobody can synergise that well without there being a single issue, trust me, you’re a fool if you believe so. Naivety can only blind you for so long until you start to see the truth in people.

[remembermemorablememories]

Monday, June 11, 2018

post #154

- start of week 2 of work

- 1:1 meeting with mentor

- workin’ all day

- melee 

- dinner and some mo work

- chill at home / install bootcamp

today i:

- woke up at 8:15am to my alarm. got changed and stuff and then took an uber to work

i left around 9 and got there around 9:30am. ate some yummy breakfast (pancakes, sausage, potatoes and eggs)

- went to my computer to catch up on my emails and log everything that i’ve worked on the past week. began to look a bit at the code that i have to do for my next PR. also re-ran my build from last friday and now it’s suddenly working

- had a 1:1 meeting with my mentor. i learned another cool internal debugging tool and we also had a check in just to see how things are going

- went to lunch reaaaaal quick. like i literally ate from like 12:15pm - 12:30pm

- got down to business. i had to figure out why my build that was literally working in the morning now failed because i changed a word to its plural version... also started on two new PRs that are basically setting up my project

the first two went pretty smoothly, but the builds also kept failing. i honestly wasn’t sure what the issue was, so i inspected the code over and over again... no luck. i just re-ran it once or twice and then suddenly it worked. maybe someone else’s builds were messing with mine

- also ironed out my third PR but realized that i didn’t account for the fact that my second PR wouldn’t be merged/approved yet so it led to compilation issues (which is expected)

- stopped by a bboy class that was being held downstairs. fiona found it on the calendar and we’re probably gonna try to go to that starting next monday. they have a session every week 4-5pm so i definitely wanna try to get some practice in. i just swung by to get a feel for it, i wanted to work on my PRs for the day

- around 5:15pm, some people went downstairs to play melee. i figured, my iOS builds were taking a long time (like 30 minutes) so i might as well take a break. we ended up playing until like 7pm... LOL

i went downstairs to grab dinner takeout (it was indian curry, SO GOOD) and then took it back upstairs to try to get my builds to work

- unfortunately, i still had issues, even after rebuilding like 2-3 times. i was watching john oliver’s “stupid watergate ii” episode while i was waiting. i also played some melee just to practice some techniques

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOVPStnVgvU

i called it quits around 9pm even though the build still failed. i’m not sure why, the error messages don’t seem to be correlated with what i changed. i’ll figure it out tomorrow. ubered back, getting back around 9:30pm

- chilled for a bit and watched an episode of mob psycho 100 S1E6

- my airbnb host arrived home and picked up the mail so i finally got my flash drive. i helped her install a plant thing on her patio and now i’m installing windows 10 onto my macbook. i’m waiting for the bootcamp assistant to work so i’m just tryna kill some time...

overall, pretty productive day i’d say

also i need to wait for my airbnb host to go upstairs so i can go to the living room to use the vacuum. i tried to sprinkle more baking soda on the sheets today while i was out at work... it didn’t work. sigh

i’ll probably go shower and hopefully this bootcamp installation will be done by then

good night