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[a-sloths-diary-blog]

"Naivety can only blind you for so long"

5th, 11th, 15th and 20th, respectively these are very critical in my arrival back from and my start to University again. Unfortunately, these are not positive however very negative as the surrounding issue is of something less fortunate.

On the 5th Mai returned, I was so happy to see her, all the annoyance and anguish dissipated out of my system and I was so delighted to see her, we enjoyed the entire week being drunk and just having fun. Maybe I should host sessions like that again to recover the broken bond, the chains that were holding us as one have been shattered slightly as time went on from that period. The first week of university was decent. She and I were very amicable and ordinary, despite her being dramatic, sometimes over the top, and bitchy (we all are a bit) I decided to let it go because of my happiness to no longer be alone.

This suddenly changed on the 11th when we had our first argument over the most silliest of things. The TV show named the “Undateables” appeared on her feed and she showed me and Joe three clips of the show. Just beforehand we collaboratively made a Shepherd’s Pie together so a good aura and energy was in the air. I have a date that was planned the following day so I was pretty nervous but excited. Anyway to the point, after the three clips were shown of these people who had learning difficulties of some sort being paired with others of a similar heritage, I made the comment saying “Oh, I feel bad for them”. Joe and Mai inquired so I continued, explaining how I felt it was a little mean to brand them as “Undateable”, how they didn’t really have a choice of being with somebody that was “Dateable”. Being called “Undateable” isn’t particularly a nice comment. I had no background knowledge of the show, my opinion was merely an assumption with no valid evidence behind apart from the three clips I had watched. Joe agreed with my comment but Mai on the other hand did not, fair, you can not agree with everything a human says right? She stated that its not being they get to date people who do not have learning disabilities. I continued and said “But, a TV show with the name “Undateable” with people who were born a certain way, its feels mean” she said that I was wrong – that at the end of the show its liberating, fulfilling and all these amazing other things towards them because they find a match and blah blah blah – in her eyes I was wrong, there was no methods or ways for me to be right in the situation. Joe reluctantly said that he agreed with what I said, trying not to take sides I’m guessing which fair play to him, I would’ve done the same. Either way, I stated that my comment was my opinion and I and she would have to agree to disagree because we can’t agree on everything that is set out in front of us. Instead of burying the hatchet, she prefers to have the last word conveying that “In my opinion, I think you’re wrong” blah blah blah, social justice, self-righteousness, evidence A and B. I should of maybe left it there but she kinda ticked me off and so I continued, “It’s not as black as white as you think it is, there are shows such as the ‘Batchelor’ that have ‘desirable’ men and women on their – compare to this show about ‘Undateable’ people from the three clips I’ve seen and the name seems hurtful in its brand. I’ve only seen three clips but I’m not talking about the end game of the show, I’m talking about the name” she replied with another self-righteous comment to which our bickering made Joe shortly yet promptly, leave the room. She blamed me saying “Look what you’ve done”, - “Mai, this is a 2 person debate, It was both of us” I’m not speaking to a brick wall that is not replying. I got up for a drink and we continued and continued and I saw no way of her leaving the situation where it was, she just wanted to win and have a different opinion that others – its amazing to be individual don’t get me wrong but to the point where you’re doing it purposefully to just have a title in an argument of having a different point to convey for the sake of debating is pointless. I left saying “I’m leaving it here before it gets worse, its just a debate nothing personal or serious” to which she replied as I was leaving “Yeah you’re just walking away, your like those self-entitled feminist bitches that think everyone is being oppressed”. I ignored and went in my room – it was almost time to sleep almost 12 (not that that was my excuse for leaving) but at least it was not like 5pm where I would not have a lot to do maybe.

Anyway she also stormed off to her room 5 minutes after me, slammed and locked her door. Dramatic as per usual but what you gonna do.

I went to sleep, annoyed, overthinking as usual but got some rest eventually. The fire alarm had to go off in the morning at 3AM didn’t it, gotta love the halls of residence. Not even exaggerating I was in bed thinking it was a dream, I had my hands over my ears but after realising this illusion, I got up to get my stuff. Slightly opening the door, forgetting my slippers, Mai is outside my room “Come on babe, fire alarm, we have to go”. I, with a face that could properly turn Medusa herself to stone was like “I need my slippers”, I was so tired and annoyed at being awoken from my slumber.

When we got outside the halls of residence, Mai apologised saying she took it too far, at the time I didn’t apologise back, I was overwhelmed with the situation of the alarm going off and being tired and grouchy that I just said its no problem, it was nothing personal. In the morning, I did apologise saying that I was tired in the previous situation and that’s why at the time I did not say much about the scenario but she seemed to take full responsibility of it and we moved on. I still held it at the back of my mind for later reference but still, I was glad we were kind of normal once again.

It was after this that I noticed more of her bitching side more often, as soon as someone left the room she would start saying negative things about them. I do the same don’t get me wrong, but at least before I do it, I slip it into the conversation its usually going to be directed towards. E.g. Joanne will say something “I moan a lot” and I’ll agree saying “Yeah, more than a lot”. So at least if I do talk about it with someone, and they hear it, at the very least it does not come as a surprise to them.

She talks about Cat frequently and her dishes not being washed up “She never washes her plates up and expects others to do it for her” I disagreed with her last time conveying that I saw her do so.

She also made a sly comment about me today but I think she was getting my reference towards her and her ignorance with cleaning the kitchen. She was like “People need to wash the communal stuff once it’s been used” and Sasha was like “That doesn’t bother me too much with Mai, or J_____ because he always cleans my knives as soon as he uses them” Mai’s reply? “Oh okay, maybe we can forget about that one.”

As I distance myself away from her, I feel crude but it’s not done maliciously but rather because she’s annoying me. We may be growing apart this way but it saves an argument that she will try to dominate. As much as I tell her the things that annoy me about her, she will try to match it with things that annoy her about me. Which is fine, nobody can synergise that well without there being a single issue, trust me, you’re a fool if you believe so. Naivety can only blind you for so long until you start to see the truth in people.

[a-sloths-diary-blog]

Diary Entry #1

Back again in the New-Year and almost half-way through January and my life is already a spiral of conflict. It’s a little bit of good conflict however, sort of not. The good thing is that I went on a date that I actually enjoyed (I hope he did too) with a sweet guy named D. He seems lovely, smart and someone who I could just chill and have a chat with. But the only problem is, is that dating him has brought a truth into perspective that I didn’t wish to be brought back. I can’t go back now, I can only progress forward. Beforehand, I always said that my sexuality was Bi, it felt easier I’m guessing to say Bi instead of the big G.A.Y. But D on our date said something, he asked if “eventually would you tell your parents” after speaking about an ex he came out of the closet for (First date btw, I always overthink it but). I said yes, reluctantly, but after that it got me thinking way too deep. After the date, I went out clubbing and came back very drunk, nothing unusual for a student. However, I started to reveal my deep subconscious, feelings, thoughts and emotions that I kept locked away eternally for these 18 years. Alcohol and lovely date unlocked that door.

I revealed to myself that I actually was gay, I took the news sadly because I did not want to be branded. Its something that is always stigmatised, something that people always judge others for. I was always told that being gay was wrong, my Dad didn’t say anything about Bisexuality but always bible-bashed the gays so it was almost like twisting the truth to fit others expectations. But I can’t hide it any longer, I am going through a whirlwind of inner turmoil trying to come to terms with this hidden and dark truth.

After a fruity student flat party with the musketeers yesterday (two of my best friends PCT and DR), I awoke happy as ever but then I started to think about coming out and the chain of an effect it would have had on my life. If I told P (Mum 2 - family friend, like a mother) then my guess and hopes are that she would take it well and not judge me for this lifestyle I have acquired. I want to tell her, maybe it will ease the conflict brewing inside but how, I have no money to see her/travel home from university and I don’t want to do it over the phone, I want to do it in person where I can see how she takes it. Whether she is disappointed in me or proud for being honest with a side that has been locked away for so many years.

As I’ve always said, I did not choose to be this way but I wouldn’t have it any other. Being the way I am means I can explore a new life that many others can’t, that’s an experience worth the sorrow felt in my heart. I shouldn’t be judged for who I love but rather who I am as a person.

Typing this does ease a bit of the darkness away, I can only hope that tomorrow it improves but this is my new normal and instead of seeing all the consequences of my honest and genuine life I should embrace the newfound liberty and freedom of being true to myself. I should not regret telling M (Flatmate) who I am, it’s me, if she doesn’t accept it, I can always find people that will. I think she did but that lesson should be applied to everything and everyone. Easier said than done, but if you are judged on the way you love then those who condemn you are not worth your time or your typing.