#aka what I am currently doing
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I have been incessantly eating the clementines in my house and I have a perpetual craving for sweets. I fear the spirit of Robespierre has possessed me
#rip robespierre you would’ve loved munching on weeks on jelly beans#aka what I am currently doing#rambles
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Question for fic writers!
#fic writers#poll#ao3#no idea what to tag this with and yes i want this to get big as much as i'll hate it bc i'm so curious#according to my statistics i have over 2k comment threads (not comments - comment threads aka comments people have left individually)#so i do not reply to all the comments on my fics unless i am currently writing it/it's a recent fic/the comment is really good
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And if I tell you guys that I'm designing a female version of Edwin and Charles, then what
#dead boy detectives#edwin payne#charles rowland#they have bewitched me#aka im deep in this fixation currently and those two ghost boys wont leave my brain#but i am a simple woman enjoyer and i was like “what if they were women?”#so im doing my research rn and slowly designing them#edwin has a design already? kinda? its a concept sketch but its there#the fashion of the edwardian era is hard to pin down#especially the school uniforms of that time period#im trying my best guys
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guess what tiiiime it iiiiis [comics cataloguing time baby]
#sadly i can only actually do like a fraction of what i have in a pile rn#because i need more boards and bags. so i am only gonna do the ones tht i got pre-bagged and boarded.#aka predominantly backissues rather than current stuff#i have been so behind on actually organizing things dsgfhgfh the stack is Intimidating#tht 'owns over 300 individual comics' in my hyper specific experiences poll was lowballing it bc it was based on where my spreadsheet is#from when it was last updated. months ago#grandpa max is god? i go to church now
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IT at my job get your shit together challenge!!!
#vent#my current assignment is 30 days with a possibility of extension if i do well#except that i cannot fucking access the system i need to do my job#and i am working on somebody else's account aka at the mercy of whether or not she makes sure the manager knows#what i did vs what she did#meanwhile i can access the ehr to see sensitive patient info and tasks from my previous location bc it's still set to that#bc it has yet to change my assignment in the ehr system#and they said they have no clue when it'll be done#but again it's a 30 day assignment they do not have 30 days to get their shit together#i am about to become the bane of their existence tbh
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they should invent an art school that doesn’t make me do work
#yknow what not even that doesn’t make me do work. just tone down the HOMEwork PLEASE#aka like. 70% of what we do lmao#everything is homework all the time… it never ends… I am currently curled up on the hard floor next to an unfinished piece due tomorrow#save me from this suffering#everything else about art school slays and is so fun and healing and awesome#BUT SO MUCH WORKKJJ
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i feel like a lot of people ignore the fact that in a lot of places, bicycling just. cannot be done for half the year, & that's why public transport being good is important. i cannot bike in 5 feet of snow & ice or in 40c heat. i can't even walk in that, unless i have the energy to snowshoe or a bucket of ice water to chug.
"but I can do it!" good for you. unfortunately i live in Berk (snowing for 9 months of the year & hailing the other 3) & cannot unless i want to die. also disabled people exist. & children. & people who live in a place where everything is no closer than 30 minutes away, & 30 minutes in -30c can kill you if you can't afford a good pair of boots & a good coat. i may have bike paths but the river floods past them every year. what do i do then? bike on the highway?? just let me take the train
#people who live in places where the weather is always nice (aka not trying to kill you 75% of the time): you are an outlier#where i live the temperatures range from -30c to +35c give or take. snow hail thunderstorms tornadoes all that shit too#''biking is so fun! even when it's raining!'' dude ima be real with you. it is ice raining. i do not want to be coated in wet ice#do you know what snowmelt is? it's where all the snow melts in the spring & then fucking floods everything#it's freezing dirty water & it kills people because people always underestimate The River#i am not riding my bike through that. it's always colder & deeper than you think & there is always a current even if you can't see it#''but it's not like it's the ocean'' dude. water aint fucking around salt or no#you may look at The River & think ''that's just a lake. seems calm & nice'' but you'd be wrong & you would die from your foolishness#this shit is connected to the Great Lakes. those fuckers are fresh water seas. i do not fuck with that#it's great you live in a place where biking all year round is feasible. but i cannot do that even if i wanted to#''but what if the weather's been nice lately'' then you'd be falling for fool's spring#where it looks like it's getting warmer & then the temperature drops & it snows a whole bunch again#& then it warms up & then it snows again. repeat until like May#we just want good public transport okay i get that exercise is good but i'd rather not risk my extremities for it thank you
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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LEAKS IN A FEW HOURS PLEASE BE MID 😁 (WE ARE FUCKED BEYOND IMAGINATION)
#this man has been in dealings with death the past month like it’s actually over.#you ppl are so lucky i’m joining the game so damn late bc the episodes i would have had all these years…#in the mean time packing for my trip and emptying my queue so i can start blogging again like a normal person (aka refilling it and getting#myself in the same position i’m currently in that’s preventing me from blogging like a normal person because i am mentally ill)#guys also lowkey i’m thinking about using twitter more instead what do we think (THIS POST WILL GET ZERO NOTES)#<- i say this and then add five billion tags to my posts on here and think holy shit i could never do twitter
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#feeling so entirely disillusioned with life rn#the current ai situations is already shitty but the true ai wave hasn't even started yet. we have no idea whats coming but we are so fucked#at least a quarter of all the software job postings are for AI development now#if we're in capitalism hell rn then we're about to enter mega hell#i was only feeling a little depressed today after job searching but then#i went on youtube & was hit with the memory of what yt used to be before 2010#& seeing all those slick & shiny hd seo-optimized yt thumbnails suddenly disgusted me#but ai is about to make the internet a whole lot worse#ai is about to make art a whole lot worse - and not just visual arts. ALL the arts#(sf ballet (aka. the most prestigious ballet company on the west coast & who plays to 3k+ ppl per night) has no fucking artistic solidarity#& designed all their commercial art for the nutcracker this past xmas using ai)#ai is about to make the job market a whole lot worse#i don't want to be a raging fear-mongering type of person but i am extremely pessimistic & depressed about the future#or the near future anyways. i'm hoping that once the consequences of unrestricted ai reveal themselves further#that legislators will finally start taking it seriously & start doing something to protect workers from it#but somehow i feel it will be too little too late#personal post
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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Every time I pass by the timewriter starting the mine section I have to take a second and just look at how many cigarettes are around, mostly wondering if all of them are from Luis waiting around for Leon to get to him
#txts#re4#re4make#wondering if you could get like a time estimate from that#or an estimate of how many cigarettes Luis smokes like per hour or smth#as a non smoker literally any cigs around are many for me#as a born and raised in a smoker household-these seem like an average 'bored and got nothing else to do but smoke' amount#unclear#anyhow i will keep hooking my claws into any details i can find#just today i saw that during the shooting gallery if you hit your targets Luis does lil victory hand poses or whatnot#but you cant see them because you are turned around#like.....thank you but also how dare i not have noticed that even longer ago#anyhow it's midnight rn so i got nothing but thinking to do :3c#idek what to make of this like this isn't anything extra#other than apparently Luis got his cigs from Ada#good for you dude#just needed the thought out there#and remembered it bc i am currently on my knife+handgun only run#i have upgraded all of them except for extra knives...i have so much money for my next run aka no heals+prob no merchant either#yes i still love this game#i am nowhere near done with it#i am grabbing all treasures in this one and after the next (no heals no merchant) it's gonna be hard work getting to S+ everything#speedrun time
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i used to be extremely sensitive to anything and even a slight consequence would push me to fix the issue but now not even the worst things happening will get me to do anything about it
#this problem is supposed to be for those dumb lazy people that i could never become#what happened#where is my extreme rage i miss that guy#not like anger#my rage would actually cause me to do stuff and be able to think#it was basically my personality#all i have left in terms of feeling is any of the following#distracted by youtube video aka numb or extremely fleeting dopamine#despondence but cant cry because of course why would my body actually let me feel what i want to#and talking to fp which is the best one out of the current three#but nothing can replace being good at something#real autism#its not that i dont enjoy talking to him#its just like my brain cant create enough serotonin from human interaction#even when it is literally fp#im sure if we actually interacted one on one irl it wouldnt be like this#but my brain has decided that initiating irl confrontation is the most daunting thing imaginable#even when its as straightforward as making a plan to hang out with someone irl#i hate how the one thing i dont want to be anxious about is also the only thing i am anxious about#i dont know if such a brutally fucked prefrontal cortex can ever be fixed#but im also incapable of not waiting for a solution#even if all that comes out of it is being let down
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There's a well 🎉
#rat rambles#I forgot to post this since I headed to shower straight after finding it but I am suddenly thinking I might be able to find an ending#Immmm not sure how much waiting will be involved so I probably wont get it tonight but. grabby hands#I also worry there might be some rng or smth similar thatll make me have to wait longer due to the dreams#they showed this same place but theres two different ppl who can be in the dreams#one old man and one younger man#and based on what the face said I probably need the old man to be the one using the well#so hopefully that wont be too annoying to wait for#now ofc. Im worried this will go poorly. especially if it Is an alternative ending. especially given how early you can get here#Ive fumbled around a lot and its still only been about 2 in game weeks#and if Im not mistaken theres only two major waits you would have to do to get here not counting the door that takes 2 hours to open#but yeah if Im remembering correctly you only need to wait for a spider to spin its web and for a mushroom to grow#so you could theoretically get there very quickly if you use your books wisely#which feels a bit easy for a good ending so I worry for the poor lil fella#based on what Ive pieced together so far it doesnt seem like the alternative ending(s) will be much better#one of them is ofc. death. but the actual waiting out the counter one is probably maybe also sort of death I think#theres not a lot of info I have access to when it comes to the king but based off of that one face dialogue and the shade's dialogue in the#white crystal room I have a feeling the king is going to do smth similar to a certain other king and freeze the world or smth like that#Im saying freeze because my current bet is that hes going to turn everything into stone#which isnt great and Id generally speaking like to avoid that#I have some vague theories abt the shade as well but theyre a lot more wibbly wobbly#rn Im kind of interpreting them as a sort of manifestation of the weak will of a man who has already given up on the world#aka the last of the kings will that he will need to have the will to wake up in 400 days#but that will evidently is stronger than both he and the shade expected given that theyve made it this far#even a weak will has the capacity to hope for something better#idk this is more in the realm of personal interpretation than theory I just think the shade is neat#man its nice playing new games I should do this more (<- says guy who doenst have money)#anyways I hope the shade doesn't get completely fucked over by this ending#Im fine with it being underwhelming if it needs to I just want the shade to be able to touch grass
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important (very much secondhand, and also unverified, i just saw someone who was there say this) gloomtown update: seemingly at one of the recent shows (possibly during vip?) dallon mentioned loving seeing & being in pits & would love to see folks open one for spkothdvl????
this is the best news wavernot4love could ever receive in regards to idkhow world i think
#upstate ny gang do be prepared 4 me to open this thing UP @ the next idkhow gig#this thought has floated around my head for years and now it is officially condoned .... i knew dallon knew ball#technically i have no proof of this being said or anything but i don't imagine someone would randomly make this up#and regardless it is the kind of propaganda i am happy 2 spread as it doesn't harm anyone and is Fun i do think#oooo i am so jittery this was even talked about on the subreddit a while back as a concept!!!! and now it may be a Thing!!#listen i remember being 18ish going to night heat thinking “man you know what it'd be so cool if surfing was a thing to idkhow”#and now here we are with this very adjacent thing#it is 2:30 in the morning aka i will more likely than not be dreaming about pitting 2 idkhow momentarily#goodnight friends i am very content with my current state of having No thoughts but idkhow brain ever since my gloomtown shows#idkhowposting
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UGH I LOVE LITERATURE IT'S SO COOL
#i've decided to read The Emissary by Yoko Tawada again#i read it for the first time when i was 13 and haven't stopped thinking about it since#and like the great scholar i am (currently not in school) i've decided to do some quick research abt the book and the author#and WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOKO TAWADA IS BILINGUAL SPEAKING BOTH GERMAN AND JAPANESE#WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S CURRENTLY LIVING IN BERLIN AFTER GETTING HER DOCTORATE IN GERMAN LITERATURE#of all the things i expected to read on her wiki page THAT is not it#but i absolutely love it. good for her for real#genuinely if you get the chance to pick up a copy of The Emissary (aka The Last Children of Tokyo aka Kentoshi) PLEASE DO🙏#it is such a surreal and whimsical read#AND i've spent the last 6 years thinking about it so it's GOTTA be good#the swarm
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