#aka the funniest running joke

[cupidofcaravaggio]

You guys really gotta hear me out when I say that a Durin’s line Schitt’s creek au would be the funniest shit ever. Thorin runs a successful business passed down from his grandfather and provides for his sister and her kids, but he loses everything because SOMEONE didn’t pay taxes. Luckily, they are allowed to keep one asset aka some small town that Thrain bought as a joke. Thorin, Dìs, Kìli, and Fìli, end up having to move into a crappy motel there while they try to get back on their feet. Meanwhile, struggling author and motel worker Bilbo Baggins is just trying to finish his book when he is interrupted by a very pretentious lot who are having trouble adjusting. As time goes on and he and Thorin get closer, Thorin realizes that maybe he isn’t as desperate to get out as he thought…

Plus Kìli spending way to much time at some mediocre diner because some gorgeous waitress (Tauriel) caught his eye <3

[chungledown-bimothy]

Top 5 guest d20 cast members (aka non intrepid heroes or DMs)

I'm not going to make the joke, but you do see what you set up for me by not including a question mark, right? <3

Aabria has been in the dome as a player as many times as she's been behind the gm screen, so if she counts, she's #1 for sure (I think she should, and I've been very vocal about why she's my favorite). But my top 5 if she doesn't:

1- Erika Ishii. I don't need to explain, right? Like, pick any aspect of what makes someone perfect to play ttrpgs with and he's got it in spades.

2- Izzy Roland. Truly one of the funniest people on the planet. Whoever decided to put her and Zac next to each other in Coffin Run was a genius. And I love how unafraid she is to take absolutely wild swings with character choices or mechanical asks in combat. She givesn't a fuck, and it's iconic.

3- Hank Green. I was a huge nerdfighter back in the day, so that was fun. But also I loved that he didn't try for a second to hide the Huge Dimension Twenty Fan Living The Dream energy or waste his chance to flirt with Brennan.

4- Carlos Luna. All of the characters of his I've seen (Cheese, Wetzel, I forget which Ken he was in the Barbie oneshot) are so funny but then casually drop things that are DEVASTATING. I think about Cheese and Ayda's conversation at the end of Pirates regularly. And he does such incredible work off camera as well. Everything he touches turns to gold.

5- Jasper William Cartwright. He's got an energy that is just so much fun. I didn't even know who he was before Burrow's End, but he's so damn funny. Idk how to explain it, but his energy is just so damn Good.

[br0ught2l1fe]

Headcanons on what the creeps would be like in a bl^nt rotation [includes jane the killer, clockwork, jeff the killer, ben drowned, and ticci toby]

—————————————————

a/n: these are my headcanons on what the creeps [jane, jeff, natalie, toby, ben] are like during a blunt rotation with eachother. if you havent already, i really recommend reading my headcanons on what the creeps are like high on their own time here just to understand this post a bit better. enjoy c:

✮ in this rotation we have: ben, jeff, toby, jane, and natalie aka clockwork

✮ lets set the scene: usually everyone’s go to smoke sesh spot is ben’s room because it’s just the vibiest and he’s always got the good stuff on him. his room will have his led light’s on and they WILL be on green. it’s a must to be on green. all his other lights like his lava lamp will also be on. and he’ll always have some quiet lofi on in the back to give the room a relaxing feel. [ben can be a jerk sometimes but one thing he will do is make sure everyone is comfortable enough to start smoking. we don’t want any panic attacks]

✮ unfortunately for nina, she is never invited to the sesh anymore because she tends to be highly annoying

✮ mainly the conversations between everyone starts off easy going, usually just talking about what slender did to piss them off this time or whatever crazy/strange thing they witnessed today.

✮ ben is definitely the one that’s got everyone laughing, like i said in another post he’s the absolute funniest when he’s high off his ass. it gets even better when toby starts joking along with him, i mean these guys are masters at bouncing jokes off each other.

✮ jeff will talk about his most recent murders while insensitively making jokes about them while jane rolls her eyes

✮ both jane and natalie at some point will playfully start picking on jeff to which he will playfully pick on them back

✮ this usually starts by jeff saying something stupid or saying something that just didn’t really make sense and natalie and jane will point it out every single time and make fun of him for it

✮ another thing is that when jeff tells a story he uses sound effects and it’s the funniest thing to natalie and jane, they’ll definitely make fun of the sounds and mock him

✮ examplé, jeff was once describing how he timed himself to see how fast he can kill someone [he’s lame like that, i wasn’t kidding when i said he was insensitive to his victims/murders] at one point he described the sound of his knife as “chchchch” to which natalie and jane simultaneously mocked the sound and laughed for a good 10 minutes about it

✮ both jeff and natalie will argue over his hypothetical questions about who is right or why their idea would never work

✮ both jeff and natalie really enjoy discussing on what they would do if a zombie apocalypse were to actually happen

✮ toby and ben eventually chime in to their conversation but they never take the conversation seriously

✮ so we have jeff and natalie arguing like the situation is genuinely happening at that very moment while ben and toby are cracking jokes about what they would do and making fun of jeff and natalie while pointing out the holes in their plans while jane just laughs along and listens

✮ eventually at some point ben and toby will decide they wanna go out and do something which usually involves a gas station run and just running around the nearby town acting like children

✮ jeff, jane, and natalie tag along but they’re falling behind caught up in talking about some random drama that natalie definitely brought up on accident [that girl cant keep a secret]

✮ sometimes if they smoked alot, ben and toby will come up with the dumbest ideas

✮ once, they both went out during the winter in like 40 degree weather and jumped off a bridge literally just for fun

✮ and they’ve done way more dumber things than that

✮ like this one time they both convinced the whole group to sneak into a house party where the cops ended up getting called and toby being the funny guy he thinks he is shouted out something along the lines “aww who invited these guys”. obviously that got the attention of the officers who noticed they were all high. basically that night consisted of a party and running away from cops chasing them.

✮ jane and natalie are basically a duo in the group

✮ eventually they’ll start talking to just each other and it’s usually about more drama natalie can’t keep to herself or they’re talking shit about nina or making fun of jeff

✮ they will definitely start sharing tmi details about their life with each other [as besties do]

✮ after a few hours most of them will get tired

✮ usually toby and natalie get tired around the same time and jane will end up going to her room since nat’s not there anymore

✮ so it’s just jeff and ben left

✮ thats when it starts to get deep

✮ i headcanon jeff and ben to be close friends so once it’s just them left thats when they feel comfortable enough to start getting into heavier topics

✮ i mean this is the one and only time jeff will ever show emotions and disclose information about him actually… like… caring?… about people. which is the strangest thing to hear coming from jeff considering how he puts on a cold and distant persona around people

✮ like he has opened up to ben about how grateful he feels to have him in his life and even toby and natalie too. he has opened up about how he really does enjoy being able to talk about his dumb theories with natalie and to actually know that she is truly listening knowing that she’s also into that stuff

✮ after knowing jeff for as long as he has it’s not strange hearing this from him but in the past he was SHOCKED i tell you. shocked. because it was just so unlike him

✮ but even after years of being jeff’s best friend it still shocked him to hear jeff admit to how he felt bad for what he did to jane even though she really does get on his nerves.

✮ but yea these guys will spill their guts when it’s just them

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a/n: that’s all i got. if you have any more ideas or suggestions dm me and i will consider adding them all to a part 2! if you want to see any other headcanons topics you can dm me those requests too because MY REQUESTS ARE OPENN!!!! also check out my jeff the killer hcs <3

have a great day and don’t forget to be nice 💕

[xenon-demon]

I fucking love pretty much every version of the “celebrity x Just Some Guy™” trope that there is for Steddie, but in honor of having a totally reasonable amount of wine I’m going to tell you about the version I’m currently thinking about all the time, one of my dumbest yet also funniest AU concepts: modern!AU with streamers Steve & Robin and Hardcore Fan™ Eddie who writes reader-insert fic about Steve.

Steve and Robin, aka EvenStevens and BirdBox_ on Twitch (“My name is spelled with a P-H, Robin, that’s such a stupid name.” “No, it’s actually even better this way! You don’t want to just use your real government name for something like this, and you would just make your username ‘SteveHarrington01′ or something equally uninspired-”) frequently stream together and have a shared YouTube channel. They got popular doing reaction videos that quickly devolve into the pair of them bickering on camera, and since the internet just loves the ‘snarky woman and her emotional support himbo’ dynamic, they got very big, very quick. Plus, it certainly doesn’t hurt that they had the combined might of Dustin and Erica to help them bend the algorithm to their whims.

While most people recognize their platonic-with-a-capital-P soulmatism, there are still some that are convinced they’re secretly dating - they can’t decide if it’s hilarious or absolutely maddening that every time they try to disprove the rumors, they somehow get stronger. Robin doesn’t feel comfortable coming out to the internet yet, and without that trump card some people just can’t understand why they’re not dating.

...there are other sections of their fandom, however, that absolutely do believe they’re not dating. Mainly because they’d rather be dating Steve or Robin (or both!) themselves, and write all the reader-insert fanfiction you could ever possibly need about it. Robin is largely ambivalent to the concept of fanfiction being written about herself as long as they’re not writing smut, since at least that way they’re not insisting she’s dating Steve.

Steve on the other hand finds it absolutely hilarious how despite how much he’s changed, he’s back to being the heartthrob he used to be in high school - and, he’ll be honest, he thrives on the attention. He’s given everyone the green light to write whatever they want - dared them to make it raunchier, even - to the point where it’s a running joke that Steve will read your reader-insert fanfiction about him unless you tag it with some form of ‘Steve don’t look’. He even used the prevalence of fic about himself to come out on stream.

(Steve’s in the middle of re-organizing his flower field in Animal Crossing when he’s interrupted by a donation. “Hey Steve, really sorry to tell you this but people are writing porn about you... and they’re making it gay. Like writing about you getting fucked by a dude. Just wanted you to know so you can say something about it.”

Steve stops dead, his screen freezing on his open inventory. “Hey, uh, why the fuck would I have a problem about a fictional version of me bottoming? Or- wait, do I seriously give off homophobic vibes? I’m literally bisexual. Hey Dustin, can you ban that guy please? Christ, the nerve of some people. If that’s how you feel about people being gay, or about people writing things that I’ve already said I have no problem with, you can leave this stream right now because I don’t want you here.“)

Many people lost their minds after that stream, one of them being popular tumblr blog whorefireclub.

Eddie didn’t plan on starting a tumblr blog for self-insert fanfiction about a twitch streamer. Really he didn’t, and every time he thinks about it in terms that plain he kind of dies a little on the inside. It’s really all Gareth’s fault, for getting fed up with Eddie’s dumb parasocial crush on a streamer and daring him to just “get it out of his system already”. So, using a bare-bones anonymous tumblr and many, many beers as his cover story, Eddie posted some of the most quickly written and unedited pieces of writing he’s ever produced in his life.

Except he wrote it with an AMAB reader character - and for those of you unfamiliar with the reader-insert sphere, that’s like fucking hen’s teeth. People are pretty good at making things gender neutral at least in their descriptions, and sometimes the anatomy is vague enough that it’s ambiguous, but the majority is written with AFAB genitalia for the reader character.

Eddie’s little drunken post blows up, and at first, he’s never regretted a life choice more.

After thinking about it, and seeing just how many people left comments with their reblogs or came into his askbox directly to thank him for giving them the representation they wanted, he starts to feel a bit better about the whole thing. In fact, it kind of tickles his “protector of the outcasts” instincts; there are people who can’t enjoy the content they want to because it doesn’t gel with their anatomy or gender identity. Eddie could, hypothetically, if he wanted to be absolutely insane about this one hot streamer guy, help fix that problem somewhat.

A couple of months later and he’s become “the guy who writes inclusive reader-insert fic”. While a fair amount of his work is gender-ambiguous, both in anatomy and in avoiding gendered language, more than half is written for anyone who finds themselves underrepresented in the usual reader-insert scene; anyone AMAB, AFAB people who can’t do female language, he’s even written a few oneshots with intersex reader characters. He did research for it and everything. It’s certainly not how he planned for this to work out, but it’s actually kind of... nice. He’d written a lot of fanfiction in his youth, mainly about Lord of the Rings and Star Trek, and while this isn’t how he’d imagined returning to the hobby it’s actually really fun. (It’s making his celebrity crush on Steve a million times worse, of course, but he’s in denial about that so it’s totally fine.)

He’s a little shit, so his blog header has - underneath his personal details - a PSA that reads “Steve, don’t look at this unless you have the balls to shout me out on stream ;)”. Eddie thinks he’s absolutely hilarious.

Right up until he wakes up to find his following has exploded overnight, and upon checking his DMs from his mutuals realizes that - oh shit - that bastard actually did it and talked about his blog on stream.

And Steve said he liked it. Steve likes the porn that Eddie wrote about him. Jesus H. Christ, Eddie is so unfathomably fucked.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if this were to exist as a fic it would be told through social media posts/DMs. one of those fics that uses unconventional (i.e. non-prose) formatting, you know the ones. the concept actually came from the fact I fucking LOVE fics like that, I’m a slut for any of that House of Leaves-type shit. one time I read a fic that consisted of 8 short stories and each one had a HTML puzzle you had to solve to be able to read it, e.g. one you had to highlight because the text was in white, another you needed to hover your mouse over to make it scroll through the text - I can’t remember the rest but it was SO COOL.

(or, to put this another way, I read homestuck at a formative age and it forever changed how I feel about formatting stories.)

[danthropologie]

So conspiracy theory that Taylor write midnights about f1 drama this year. Look at it this way- Daniel’s obviously mastermind because his ass is half in that seat and also you’re on your own kid cause I saw this gorgeous edit of Daniel to it and it just makes sense, Max is vigilante shit because he’s deadass scheming to get rid of checo because he wants his boyfriend back and also anti hero because he’s brought it upon himself to carry on fernando’s legacy of being the problem but we love him anyways iconic king, I have to give karma to McLaren because they will pay, bigger than the whole sky because we’re going to fucking miss seb so much :(, and lavender haze for dando cause we all know that next year lando is just going to take one look at Oscar and be like, ‘but you’re not Daniel’. If you read this entire thing, I am so sorry you had to tolerate my 4 am brain

oh my god you're a visionary. i do think that there's equal case to be made for mastermind being max OR daniel tho, just because the whole conversation of daniel moving into checo's seat literally wouldn't even be happening in the first place without max refusing to let checo through.

and you're so right that karma is daniel and mclaren, but i think maybe there's also a lewis element to it as well, especially in the bridge with the "ask me what i learned from all those years / ask me what i earned from all those tears / ask me why so many fade, but i'm still here"

i saw a midnight rain edit for carlando that absolutely fucked (link here), but as i have a hard time fucking with carlando in general, i prefer to read it as maxiel. especially since daniel literally spending the year dying on the floor while max was having one of the most successful seasons of all time 😭

the joke's been made a million times but how could question...? be about anything other than ferrari's fabulous fuck ups this year.

and on a similar note, bejeweled is charles @ ferrari in a 'you better figure out your shit before you lose me' type way (aka the direct precursor to mattia getting fired)

labyrinth is daniel having the soul sucked out of him for 18 months straight, then being thrown a lifeline in the form of a red bull polo. also "you know how much i hate that everyone expects me to bounce back just like that" i mean!!!

i know that the album technically came out before they went to brazil, but the great war is literally about interlagos 2022. just the whole fucking thing.

paris is brief but beautiful yukierre affair, rip in peace 🤧

i feel like high infidelity could be a lot of different things, but the funniest and most unhinged is whatever the fuck is going on with nando and esteban and nando's shock jump to aston martin

glitch and maroon both give the constant push and pull of charlos

would've could've should've is from the perspective of the twinks caught in the zak brown twink farm bullshit 😔

and as the daniel brain rot runs deep for me, obviously dear reader feels very daniel to me, but i think it could apply to mick, lewis, etc. basically anyone that spent the majority of the year Suffering(TM) yk

[ashtxeman]

Can I get some Doc Louis headcanons please?

Interesting choice! I gotta do some thinking for good ol' Doc..

For starters his name is, of course, Jerome 'Doc' Louis, and his stagename during his boxer days in the 70's was very similar! That being the very basic 'Doc Louis'.

His name actually has a funny story behind it.. Back when he was joining the WVBA, he still had a cheeky love for chocolate on the side, so at first attempted to name himself after his favourite brand.. Course copyright laws meant that was a no-go, so he just settled with Doc Louis instead. Though, he'd grow into that name as many saw him as the WVBA's accidental care figure.. or better yet, 'doctor'.

He's in the process of legally adopting Mac (AKA Mackenzie Stella) right now!

Speaking of Mac, Doc has taken up learning sign-language in order to better communicate with him as he is mute.

Doc's rivallry with Bull goes a long way back! When Bull first joined he was able to make his way up the ranks quite fast, especially considering there weren't actually that many boxers yet, but it was Doc who prevented him from getting any higher than the Major Circuit (until Doc left, and Bull was free to make his way up to the spot he holds now). Their rivallry is entirely light-hearted, they're actually great buddies. This can be said for many of the other boxers! Even though he's retired, Doc is still one of the guys.

Doc runs marathons for charity, even though he's basically a puddle on the floor by the end of them.

He's just the sweetest guy! He takes Mac out to buy goodies and treats the guys to nights out every so often. The only thing he's not so generous with is his chocolate, which only he gets to touch.

He's such an important part of the WVBA that at one point they actually offered him an official spot on the team, but he kindly rejected since he'd 'put the WVBA behind him'. They weren't too happy to hear that.

He has several different boxers who he regularly hangs around with for catch-ups and chit-chats! For example, he and Joe go to the local café every weekend for coffee and laughs.

His favourite M&M's flavour is the peanut ones.

He loves to go down to the park and feed the ducks, since he thinks it's important everybody finds joy in lifes simple pleasures. Taking things for granted is something he fears.

He has a fear of heights. One time when he and some others went on a trip to a theme park, he had to come up with a lot of excuses to avoid going on the rollercoasters.. until everybody turned around and said they knew, which was a good laugh.

At times he's a people pleaser and it leaves him in a sticky situation. He'll take the blame for other peoples mistakes, forgive people when he probably shouldn't and lets people of the hook with just a quick scold. Course there's some things where he'll actually step up and take charge, but it takes a lot to reach that point.

He thinks 'yo mama' jokes are the funniest thing ever, and laughs at them everytime they're made. It is severely embarassing to Mac.

He's probably the only man trusted enough to call all the boxers by their first names.

In the A-Bracket, Doc gets along best with Joe, Hugger, Tiger, and everybody in the World Circuit (except Aran).

In the B-Bracket, Doc gets along best with Rick and Hoy. He doesn't really speak with the B-Boys much, but enjoys Rick's sense of humour and thinks Hoy's wisdom is worth taking note of.

[darkimpala1897]

More headcanons of my au of Chance and Eddie being brothers aka Munson brothers season four addition

The laundry basket joke was totally directed towards Chance because at home Chance uses laundry baskets that he finds around the trailer park to practice

Chance and Eddie eat together at the pinic table in the woods because Eddie doesn't usely pack his lunch he packs for Chance but not for himself because he packs drugs instead but Chance remembers to make him something

Eddie was at the prep rally but he was hiding under the bleachers because he didn't want anyone to see him and ruin his reputation

Eddie sent Steve to go to the game for him because Eddie didn't want to get out of Hellfire to sneak under the bleachers

Chance was the only one to believe that Eddie didn't kill Chrissy he actually believed his brother was kidnapped but he didn't say anything because if he did he knew his friends would turn on him

Chance had to watch as Jason beat up Gareth and Gareth is like a little brother to him he managed to convince Andy to stay and help fix up Jeff and Gareth

Chance was the one to give Lucas the idea of misleading them

Chance when they finally found Eddie didn't let go of his brother for like awhile

Chance was the one to tell them what Eddie liked food wise

Eddie was happy for once that he got to eat his food without Chance stealing it

Chance had managed to convince Jason and Andy to listen to him after Patrick died he even took them to skull rock were they spied on them Chance kept a tight grip on them so they didn't kill Eddie

Chance was the one to get them into Watergate even though Andy had a total fit about it being cold and Chance not wanting to hear it was like "come on princess don't make me drag you by your hair." And Jason also refused but Chance threw his shoe at him and that worked

Eddie had an absolute panic attack when Chance just popped through the gate he was so close to going full mother hen mode on him you don't even know

Chance and Eddie actually pretty much everyone took there rage out on the bats Andy and Steve both almost gotten eaten alive but they were alright

When Eddie threw his vest at Steve Chance stole Jason's Letterman without his permission because Chance knows Eddie gets cold

When they were trying to get in contact with the others on the other side and running around like chickens with there heads cut off Chance was already touching the werid glowing stuff with Andy because they thought it was werid and cool

Chance doesn't know how to ride a bike so he had to double ride with Eddie it was the fucking funniest thing ever especially because of how Eddie rides

Chance literally almost puked at Eddie's bed he made a mental note that he needed to do laundry

Chance was the one to get into Vecna's trance not Nancy and oh my god Eddie lost his shit he tore that trailer apart looking for Chance's Walkman and music because he was not losing his brother not like that

Chance was okay after that but Eddie still made him wear a Walkman just in case Chance saw Eddie dying Jason dying in that horrible way he saw what Andy would do to Erica and what was going to happen Hawkins he after that was determined to kill the bastard

When Eddie forgot he had a bandanna on him and didn't need a mask Chance absolutely died like laughed so hard and it made Eddie feel better hearing Chance laugh

Chance was the one to suggest the RV to steal but Eddie said it was his idea which Chance let him have because he knew that Eddie was trying to impress Steve

When Eddie said his dad taught him how to hot wire everyone looked towards Chance thinking he knew how to as well he just goes "not my father actually I don't know my father." And Eddie snickers under his breath

They used Jason's credit card to get everything at War Zone and no nobody has yet to inform him

Jason went with Lucas, Max and Erica Andy volunteered to go instead but Chance was like "no no your staying with us." And then he grabbed a hold of Jason looking right into his soul saying "please for the love of everything holy stay standing stand in once spot and don't walk around if Lucas have to tie you to chair he will." Well also tossing Lucas some rope

Chance and Eddie were on the trailer roof together Eddie playing his guitar and Chance playing his violin Eddie was honestly amazed that his little brother baby brother figured a way to play master of puppets on a violin just imagine this scene with me absolutely kick ass

When Eddie decided to use himself as a chew toy for the bats Chance let Dustin use his shoulders to get up into the upside down and those few seconds saved Eddie's life they almost lost him but they got him

The earthquake was unfortunately unavoidable because after Nancy and all of them including Andy killed Vecna the upside down it just sorta collapsed in on itself but Jason survived mostly because he listened and Eddie survived because of his brother

Gareth took in Eddie and Chance intill they had a new trailer and intill Eddie was healed

Bonus headcanon

Eddie graduated with Chance, Andy and Jason Eddie was a total mom that day taking pictures of Chance and his friends well Steve was taking pictures of Eddie obviously

That is it for now, I'm definitely gonna write the Munson brothers and post it on Ao3 eventually I promise but this is my new canon for the dumpster fire that was stranger things season four imao.

[toonirl]

Well folks, we've had a good run, but if we're going down here, we're going down fighting. So without further ado, here is our final

HERBERT P. BEAR CRIME OF THE WEEK

Without a doubt, the jerkiest and by proxy funniest crime, bar none, Herbert P Bear has ever committed?

EXIST!!!!!

This is Chris Hendricks, aka Screenhog, aka one of the first artists and composers to have worked on Club Penguin. In this video he discusses various features added to the game that he was initially against, including Herbert himself.

Imagine the thought of you being so awful that one of the guys in charge of the world you live in thinking it would be a bad idea to have you around. Literally eat shit GLaDOS*.

And then Herbert said "DID IT ANYWAYS BITCH"

*For legal reasons this is a joke pls don't deadly neurotoxin me bestie haha

FINAL ROUND - GLaDOS (Portal) VS Herbert P Bear (Club Penguin)

!!! PROPAGANDA BELOW !!!

GLaDOS: "So mot only is she running your character through a series of puzzles with the intention of killing her at the end, but in the second game she spends the Entire. Time. Verbally and emotionally abusing you, including body shaming and bullying you for being an orphan. If it's any consolation, she does have to exist as a potato for the second and third acts of Portal 2."

"Known for being mean (hot). Mercilessly targets the player character's every possible insecurity. Petty and mean. I understand if you don't want to include her since she tends to dominate polls, lol."

HERBERT: "This mf spends his whole life trying to heat up a frozen island and terrorizing the innocent penguins that live on it all bc he was bad at sailing one time and is too much of a wimp to try again. Classic Misery loves Company type asshole."

"operation blackout would have been NOTHING without him (mostly because he caused it). he has a SOLAR LASER. this polar bear is an ass who literally harnessed the power of the sun and froze the top members of the elite penguin force (a group of penguin special agents) and his best friend is an equally villainous crab"

"Herbert may be a fandom darling in our fandom of like, 20 people. BUT DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU! He is a conniving, EVIL bear, and a professional jerk and some highlights of his jerkishness include...

- Spending ten years of his life (by the time the game closed) trying to destroy the Penguin Secret Agency and Elite Penguin Force (both were agencies that protected the island from disasters and villains like Herbert) with varying success...

- SUCCESSFULLY destroyed the Penguin Secret Agency with a popcorn bomb, which destroyed their HQ. It should also be noted that while doing so, he locked in the player, Rookie, and Gary the Gadget Guy, presumably so the bombs explosion would have killed them all.

-Teamed up with the EPF to stop the Ultimate Protobot 10,000 and the Test Bots, a small group of four dangerous robots after he personally brought them back. When Protobot went "too far" for Herbert's standards by threatening the environment and trying to completely destroy the EPF (despite the aforementioned Popcorn Bomb incident literally destroying the PSA, and also a certain Operation: Blackout), causing him to temporarily switch sides. This might sound like a character growth moment...except for the fact that he immediately betrays them once Protobot is dealt with and attacks and damages the EPF's HQ using a robot hydra made for the Medieval Party that he stole.

- A canonical ex-dictator. Don't believe me? Look up Operation: Blackout on the Club Penguin Wiki! He froze several agents during his reign of terror, was open to freezing innocent civilians, and also wanted to do away with puffles- the pets of penguins. He also banned several hobbies and professions during his reign (being a Ninja, a DJ, a Pirate, etc) for no reason other than disliking them. He also destroyed the EPF'S HQ and exposed two agents' private information to the public. This means Herbert is the first and only character to canonically dox people he doesn't like on Club Penguin.

-Was planning to bomb the EPF literally two months later with a hot sauce bomb (makes sense in context of the game and yes, it is more destructive than it sounds).

-Brainwashed puffles into digging coins for him purely because his henchman, Klutzy the crab brought a coin slot to use for his DIY heater, instead of just removing the coin slot and retooling it to work without one like a normal person."

[imposterogers]

Care to remind the class what Chris Pratt did wrong?

well for one he annoys the shit out of me and has been consistently cast in roles he shouldn't get (aka all of his voice acting roles)

but here's a few links to some of his "problematic" moments. x x x

one of the biggest issues is that he’s a part of the hillsong church (a famously anti lgbt church) but i also want to point out who else associated with them--justin bieber, kylie jenner, vannessa hudgens, hailey baldwin.... the list does continue

the funniest moment imo was when the internet voted him the worst chris (out of evans, hemsworth, and pine) and instead of taking the joke he got so upset that all of his marvel costars came running to his defense x x (despite no one standing up for other marvel cast who have been targeted by racist and misogynistic online attacks)

[critical-thinking-is-mandatory]

Just a little twist of fate

The Butterfly rises, corrupted and sick, to prey on Paris. The Ladybug must stand guard, but she is not protected by a mere house cat. No, a Tigress stands at her shoulder.

aka a Miraculous retelling with a Tiger instead of a Black Cat.

Prologue Chapter One

After nearly two centuries of life, Fu had learned to be patient. When he was younger, he may have come to his decision within moments. Once, Fu may have stopped his search after being assisted by the blond lad. Once, Fu may have seen fit to put both the Black Cat and Ladybug in circulation. But Fu did not make it to a hundred and seventy-two years old by making rash decisions. Fu had learned his lesson, and learned it well.

With the Butterfly active in Paris, corrupted if Wayzz was correct, it was only a matter of time before its’ bearer took action. The Ladybug being revealed was unavoidable. Tikki’s power was the only one fit to combat the Butterfly. Had it been any other Miraculous that was lost, there were others that could combat their effects. But the Ladybug and Butterfly…no they were brothers. There was no other that could perform the task necessary.

The Ladybug could not go into play alone. It was a formidable Miraculous but ultimately a defensive one. Fu’s first instinct was to bring the Black Cat forward, the Cat and the Ladybug were paired, twinned. If both fell to the wrong hands… No. The Monkey, or even the Bee may suit, but there was another. Kin to the Black Cat.

But Fu had not yet found a second bearer and he was pressed for time. He did not know when the Butterfly holder may act, and every hour he delayed was another hour that his Champions did not have to prepare. And should it come to it, less time for him to find a replacement if his choice proved wrong.

Fu had spent most of the day testing dozens of the citizens of Paris, somehow he still came up disappointed. The girl in the early morning had been exceptional, pulling him out of on-coming traffic when the crowd of onlookers had been frozen in horror. The others, while kind and polite, failed to live up to the standard the girl had set. None had gone above and beyond the call of duty, none had truly-

Fu’s train of thought broke, just like the carton of eggs in his bag of shopping, as he found himself on the ground. His cane had skittered out of reach, now scooped up by a boy, possibly eleven or twelve.

“Looking for this?” He held it out towards Fu.

“Thank you, young man.” Fu pushed himself up on an elbow, reaching for his cane. The boy sneered and snatched it out of reach. Fu paused, startled.

The boy flung Fu’s cane into the street. “Go and get it.” More pre-teens appeared in Fu’s line of sight, hooting and hollering as if the child had just told the funniest joke of the century.

“Young man, that was hardly kind,” Fu scolded. One of the other kids, a scrawny thing with a mean face, spat in Fu’s general direction. Fu turned his nose up as the group collapsed into another round of mean-spirited laughter.

“Hey!” Fu and the children turned in the direction of the shout. A tall girl, older than the crowd of kids, startled at the attention, almost as if she hadn’t expected that to work. She shuffled awkwardly at the attention, mouth working silently as the children began to titter amongst themselves. Her fists at her sides clenched and unclenched so rapidly Fu almost thought her fingers would fall off. The girl seemed to resolve herself, her whole countenance shifting to pull herself taller and more confident. She stomped one foot hard, flung an arm out to point down the street and bellowed with what had to be every ounce of authority she could muster: “Get lost!”

Silence followed, the girl’s shoulders rising and falling with every heaving, angry breath she took. Fu thought he heard one child whimper. The group of children muttered amongst themselves before tossing one last “whatever” and trotting off to cause mischief somewhere else.

The girl approached Fu, eyes shifting in the direction the kids had run off in. She knelt before him, eyes lowered beneath a curtain of dark hair, dyed purple in places.

“Are you okay, sir?” She asked. The girl’s voice was surprisingly soft after the impressive display Fu had just witnessed. She helped Fu into a sitting position, sitting back on her heels as he brushed off his shirt front.

“Nothing broken but my unfortunate eggs,” Fu said with a less than amused chuckle. The girl swore quietly and moved to inspect the spilled egg carton. Several had cracked on the pavement but others the girl held up to a narrowed eye and, after being inspected, placed back in the now wet carton.

“Sorry about your eggs,” the girl mumbled. She brushed a stray clump of eggshells off the carton and held it out to him. “These ones are okay.”

Fu took the carton and tucked it back into his shopping bag. He dusted his hands off and cast a quick glance around himself. His cane! It was still lying in the street.

“My dear, could you fetch my cane for me?” Fu pointed to where it sat, thanking his lucky stars that this was a quiet street. A busier road and his cane would be destroyed. The girl looked in the direction he gestured and rose, jogging over to where his cane lay. She returned his cane to him, face lowered and hidden behind her hair all the while. “Much appreciated.” He took her offered hand and, together with his cane, levered himself to his feet. He didn’t have to exaggerate his pained groans in the slightest.

The girl shuffled her feet and wiped her hands on her pants in an obvious nervous gesture. She cleared her throat once, twice, then pointed at a pushbike, propped up nearby. “Do you want a lift?”

“Thank you, little one, but my home is not far,” Fu said with a slight nod of his head. He turned and tottered away before she could reply. He tossed one last ‘thank you’ over his shoulder, turned down the next alley and kept tottering along. A smile grew on his face.

“Wayzz, I think we’ve found our next bearer.”

[stormblessed95]

YoonMin Dynamics

My biases!!! I'm so excited for this one! I adore them so much! They are perfect for the old married couple jokes, which is why the fandom calls them the old married couple. Lol again, boundaries are non existent and the love is so so high between these two. They are the first to tease each other, the first to pick on each other and bicker, but also the first to tell the other members to knock it off with the teasing when it goes too far about the other person and the first to praise each other about everything too. A very classic case of chaos and softness making the sweetest and funniest mix. No, I don't think that there is or ever was anything romantic between Yoongi and Jimin. I think there are major soft spots held for each other and I think they love each other ALOT, in a platonic sense of the word. These are of course, my personal opinions. You are free to agree or disagree as you please. Let's talk about Yoonmin now though!

As always with BTS their physical boundaries are low and nonexistent. YoonMin is no exception. Yoongi is one of the least touchy members of the group, but we can often see him seek out that touch with Jimin and find comfort in Jimin's touch as well where he doesn't always seek out that physical affection usually. We see it in how often and how easily they hold hands or reach for each other's hand. We see the hand holding often in RUN, and we have even seen Jimin offer his hand to hold during an interview where Yoongi was fidgeting and seeming to be nervous. We see it in the way that Yoongi will give Jimin shoulder massages and rubs in between photoshoots or whenever he ends up standing behind Jimin and how Jimin melts back into it or asks for more whenever he does. We see it in the way that K-army told us about how the first time they ever saw Yoongi initiate skinship with the members (not accept it, but ask for it/start it himself) was during a 2013 fansign with Jimin. He was asked which member he was closest to, and Yoongi answered by saying that he was "close to everyone, but Jimin-ah, come here" and proceeded to pull Jimin out of line and wrap him up in a big hug as his answer that he was closest to Jimin.

We see it in the way Yoongi takes his damn time delivering punishment spanks to Jimin. Lol We can see it in the easy way they will climb into each other's laps or hold onto each other during different activities. We see it in the way they both obviously enjoyed and found great amusement in the other wearing a maid outfit. We see it in the way Yoongi would obviously enjoy the occasional check out or while watching Jimin dance or sit and enjoy the ab reveals with ARMY. The way he watches Jimin dance is special. Or how he will occasionally ask Jimin for hugs. Or how Jimin will get up close and personal and flirt with Yoongi and tap his chin or try to make and hold eye contact during parts of the songs they sing together. We can their physical intimacy and comfort when Yoongi washed his clothes on Jimins abs during their debut year in the shower and posted a photo of it to Twitter like he promised ARMY he would (with the caption that he keeps his promises and that this looks erotic), or how he would constantly compliment Jimin on his muscles and his body and say how much he loved them. We see it in the way that Jimin lost a game of Jenga and his punishment piece said he had to kiss someone and he immediately start stripping off his jacket and going to try and climb on top of Suga to ask if he wanted to kiss with him. Or how Jimin is constantly enveloping Yoongi in the sweetest backhugs. Or if Yoongi comes up behind him and gives a hug or rests behind him, Jimin knows it's him without having to check.

We can see their bond in the way they compliment each other too and flirt occasionally with all the compliments they throw out there at each other. Like above, when Yoongi says he doesn't like rice cake, but he does like Manggae (aka: Jimin) while smirking at him. Lol We see it whenever Yoongi is wearing a hanbok or a punishment outfit and Jimin makes sure to let us know that he thinks Yoongi looks very handsome or can definitely pull the outfit off. We see it in how Yoongi is always complimenting Jimins body or saying he has a small face (appeals to Korean beauty standards) and making Jimin blush. Jimin saying that seeing Yoongi's face makes him smile and just makes him happy. The way that Yoongi never misses a chance to tell us or to tell Jimin that Jimin's voice is his favorite and is wonderful and amazing and that he loves it. We see that love of Jimins voice anytime the camera catches him immediately start to smile big or simply stares whenever Jimin starts singing at award shows or other similar events. Or the way he kept petting Jimins fluffy hat and telling him how cute it looked on him. Neither one of them will ever let the opportunity pass to not let the world know that the other is super cute, and I appreciate that. Or how in 2013 a fan commented under a sleeping Jimin photo saying she wanted to keep Jimin and Yoongi REPLIED to her saying that "Jimin is mine, nobody can have him." Yoongi please! Lol

Jimin looks up to Yoongi alot and thinks he is so cool and wants his approval on things, like when he rapped CNS during Muster and immediately looked for Suga after walking off and started giggling and getting embarrassed as Suga told him he looked super cute and did good. They are always hyping each other up. Im still waiting for their official subunit! They both obviously want one! Yoongi keeps saying he wants to produce a track for Jimin and Jimin keeps telling Yoongi to call him for a project and he is ready to work. Please, I would die for that subunit!!

We also see their bond in the way they are always bickering and teasing each other. It's a comfort and an easy familiarity to be able to tease each other and know you won't actually cross any lines because you know it's all from love. We can see this when Jimin keeps saying "He will choose me no matter what" and is always right. The way that Jimin tried to flirt with him as Yoonji only for Suga to pull a fake gun on him from his bag. The way they tease each other about their hair or outfits or being tired/lazy. Or about their dancing or trying to mimic each other's voices. The teasing each other about games. Run bts is super a bicker fest for yoonmin. We see it during the Festa videos over the years, the way they are the first to take a shot at the other and yet also the first to tell the other members to knock the teasing off too. Or when Yoongi said that he wants to produce music with Jimin, that if he would take a member to a deserted island he would pick Jimin and if he was to pick a member to date, it would also be Jimin... and Jimin responded to all this by teasing him saying "ooo you want me so bad." Lmao we see it in their shock and the way they teased each other and how it KEEPS happening when they accidentally show up places like to vlives or airports in matching outfits totally unplanned. Or how during the fashion show RUN episode, Yoongi very much so wanted to be in charge of dressing up Jimin (and succeeded in giving his rose to Jimin and getting to pick his clothes)

We see their emotional bond in the way they connect with each other, relate to each other, support each other and take care of each other too. We see this when Yoonmin shared a tent and Yoongi set up Jimins bedroll and sleeping space for him so he wouldn't have to worry about it. The way Jimin praises Yoongi constantly for cooking for them when they travel. The way that Jimin calls Yoongi his baby and checks on him all the time and snuggles him whenever he wants or offers a hand to hold whenever he needs it. We see it when Jimin was Yoongi's loudest and proudest cheerleader during his basketball game. We see it in the way they have consistently made time to play basketball together since debut till now, with the basketball hoop in their new practice room at Hybe for them to play together. We see it in the way that Yoongi repeatedly tried to make Jimin smile and kept checking on him when he was injured and couldn't do the choreo during a concert. And we see it again during that same concert when even though Jimin couldn't dance, he made sure he didn't leave Suga alone on stage for their Spring Day part together, quickly running to still go sit back to back and sing with him. BV1 yoonmin was just all smiles and support and love, it holds a special place in my heart for sure. We see it in the way they occasionally share clothes, how one of Jimins most special items and memories is his leather jacket that was actually passed down to him from Yoongi and Hobi who both wore it/owned it first. (Matching airport outfits by accident photos here because I had to)

We see it in their birthday notes to each other over the years, it's always the sweetest messages. We see it in Jimin's geniune joy that radiated off him when Yoongi told him "I love you" during Festa 2018. Or Jimin making Yoongi blush and get flustered by having everyone tell him I love you during Let's BTS. How touched Yoongi was when Jimin visited his Shadow set and how grumpy he was when Jimin DIDN'T visit one of his solo MV sets (and the way they bickered over this during a press conference). Lol We see it in their geniune smiles and laughter around each other. We see it in the way that Yoongi has said that Jimin gives the best hugs and is the most comforting member. That he listens to their problems and makes them feel better and feel heard. We see it in the way that when Yoongi dropped into a full bow and cried and at concert when he saw his parents there, and Jimin immediately came to sit and offer his silent support right next to him the whole time until he was ready and able to get up and continue. We saw it during ITS when Yoongi offered to get rid of all the scented candles in the main house because Jimin didn't like the scent after they first arrived and then immediately bundled him off to get lunch. We see it in the way that Suga had Jimin's good boy pose photo as his wallpaper on his phone for the longest time because he thought it was cute. We see it in their matching red soulmate string bracelets (Tae has one too!).

We see their bond in the way that Yoongi 100% took Jimin under his wing during debut years and Jimin just stayed there for sure. They are truly very close and love each other so much. We see it in the way that Yoongi has a soft spot a mile long for the maknae line, but especially for Jimin and the way that Jimin gives it back to him just as much. Whether it's the way Jimin's soft spot for Yoongi matches the one he has for Jimin, or the way that Jimin can give back the teasing 100% and the constant support too. Maybe it's the way that Jimin struggled with knowing his place or if he would debut, with perfectionist tendencies and some mental health issues, maybe Yoongi saw himself in Jimin a little bit, which is what led to some of that initial favoritism we saw in their dynamics in the early years. Yoongi was and still often is very protective over Jimin. Jimin often also makes space and time to be a silent support system for Yoongi as well too, never pushing him to talk before he is ready, just offering a silent and comforting presence which is something Yoongi appreciates I think.

No, I don't see any romance here. Nor do I see any want for anything more than friendship from either one of them. I never have. They appreciate each other and have a deep and beautiful connection for sure, but I see only platonic love between these guys. It's a friendship that I love to witness and greatly admire and find so much fun in too. I love that they have each other and trust each other. I love that they are each other's biggest hype man while also keeping each other humble. I love their music styles and I love their personalities. I love how they are truly so different, yet also so so similar and how they mesh together and love each other. I love that they can truly be themselves around each other and know that they've always got their backs, no matter what. And I love how much fun they always have together.

My biases! Automatically makes them one of my favorite duos! Lol love getting to talk about them. Ending this off with the reminder that these are simply my personal opinions. You are free to agree or disagree with any or all of this. Watch original content and form your own opinions! Love these two and love talking about them. I'm not here to convince you of anything.

Hope everyone has a lovely day! 💜💜

[necromancy-enthusiast]

Vexen deserves this after everything he's been through in the various polls he's featured in. Even in his own poll that was literally just different versions of him, crispy Vexen aka when he was getting murdered by Axel won. Admittedly I also voted for Crispy Vexen, but hey. He can never get a break and that's one of the funniest running jokes about him but he deserves this one.

@cyberpunkboytoy

[multifandomfangirl93]

Imagine Stucky reading the fanfiction you wrote about them.

Let’s just say that one night, Bucky can’t sleep. While you and Steve are curled up with each other, Bucky is laying next to you both on his phone.

Recently, Bucky has been SUPER intrigued with Tumblr. He say you in it one day and got curious, so you showed him the app. He added it on his phone and began to maneuver it on his own.

You have two accounts. One for your own fan girl enjoyment and one to please the people (aka your Stucky page). You never thought Bucky would figure it out. You post everything on there. Interaction you have with the boys (nothing too crazy. Just like the funny stuff.), hilarious things that they do, the boys being crazy with the team (mainly Sam), and some fanfiction. Even though you have the real thing, you continue to write since you have a pretty good following and the account was active WAY before your relationship.

Bucky was scrolling through his feed and saw a post from your Stucky blog. He was slightly confused at first. This post was exactly what happened the other day. Sam played a joke on Steve. He made the kitchen floor slippery so that when Steve fell, he could crack a joke about his “real age”. It was hilarious, but Bucky wasn’t sure how this person knew about it. Exact details.

So, Bucky figured out how to get to the blog and started reading. After a couple posts, it dawned on him. This was you! He found a secondary page.

Dumbfounded and curious, Bucky continues to scroll and read. After a while, he runs across the fanfiction. Bucky knew you had a thing about taking care of them and he also knew that you liked to be babied when you were sick, but he never would have been able to imagine you writing about it.

Bucky’s chuckling woke you and Steve. You groaned and buried your head into Steve’s chest, batting blindly at Bucky and shushing him.

Steve slightly sat up, cradling your head to his chest carefully, and eyed his other partner. “Buck. Hush.”

Bucky just laughed louder once he knew he woke you already. He absolutely roared with laughter when you kicked him off the bed.

Peering down, you and Steve watched as Bucky laughed, literally rolling back and forth while clutching his phone to his chest and his stomach. Tears were running down the mans face and he was turning red.

You and Steve gave each other a look. A look that said “he’s finally lost it.” Steve grumbled before getting up, snatching the phone from Bucky and looking at it. Confused, Steve passed it to you.

Upon looking at the screen, you turned white as a ghost. “No.” You whispered, tossing the phone across the room, which made Bucky all but die of uncontrollable laughter.

“What?” Steve asked, coming to sit next to you. Steve was so confused. You looked about ready to bolt and Bucky was wheezing from laughing so hard. “What’s going on?” Steve insisted. The poor man just wanted to go back to sleep. It was only 1245 and you guys went to bed around 1030.

“He found my other account.” You said, burying your face in your hands. “It’s one I still keep running. It’s about us. Mainly about both of you.” You started, wringing your hands as you spoke. “I used to write stories about us being together and some other stuff before our relationship. It was all fantasy and other really liked it. I just kept posting some of the funny stuff that happens with you guys just to keep the page running since I have so many followers.”

“Okay.” Steve says, completely confused still. “What’s got him going?”

“She used to write stories about us.” Bucky got out, finally pulling himself together. “She used to make us seem so sweet and innocent and and and she even fantasied about how we would take care of her.” Bucky snorted, laughing again. “One of the stories, she paints my nails and you refuse and it’s the funniest thing Stevie. You gotta read em.” Bucky says, wiping his tears and sitting up.

“This is so embarrassing.” You mumbled, getting up and walking toward the en-suite.

“Oh. Y/N.” Steve would call, attempting to follow you. He got a door slammed in his face instead. Turning around, Steve stomps over to Bucky and gives him a smack on the head. “Look what you did. She was younger. You know how easily embarrassed she gets. Plus, you woke her up and she gets emotional when she’s sleepy.”

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. He felt bad for not controlling himself better. “Your right Stevie. Gimme a minute.” Bucky said, hauling himself off the floor and making his way to the bathroom. He could hear your sniffling from the other side of the door.

Knocking lightly, Bucky placed his forehead on the bathroom door. “Doll. Can we talk?” He asked.

“N-no. Go away.” You murmured, coughing around a small sob. You were just so embarrassed and extremely exhausted. You could help the flow of tears. You were mad at him. You just wished this could have waited for a better time.

“Baby.” Bucky hummed. “I promise I won’t laugh anymore. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed at all.” Bucky explained. “I thought it was cute and actually very accurate for someone who didn’t know us yet.”

Silence followed for a short time as Bucky heard your breathing even out on the other side of the door. For a second, he wondered if you fell asleep in the tub. You’ve done it before when a nightmare woke you and you cried silently in the tub until you fell asleep (the boys are hard sleepers when they are in the tower, so they didn’t notice when you crept out of bed.). They found you not long after since your spot in the bed had grown cold and they finally woke up and came looking for you.

Just before Bucky was about to open the door, you did it for him. Looking up into his eyes, you asked one simple question, “You promise?”

Chuckling, Bucky nodded and reached up to wipe your tears. “I promise baby doll.” You let him pull you into a hug, finally feeling content again. “Ready to go back to bed?” Bucky asked, just as Steve let out a loud snore behind them.

Turning, you and Bucky giggled at the sight before you. Steve was sitting up, head leaned back, fast asleep. He clearly tried to wait for his partners to get it together and come back to bed, but failed miserably in his tired state.

Bucky walked over and gently adjusted your lover, laying Steve down in his spot and covering him up, placing a kiss on his forehead. Steve sighed contently once you finally climbed back in bed and give him your own kiss.

“Good night my loves.” You whispered, laying down and feeling Bucky cuddle into your back.

“Good night doll.” Bucky murmured back.

[tonkatsumeal]

the other side of paradise

ft. zhongli

warnings: use of zhongli’s other name

notes: gn!reader, modern!au (?), kind of ooc?

a/n: MORE ANGST also i posted this on my ao3 but it's a noctyx (nijisanji en) version! if you see it dw it's me aka loudmeow :) also hi sorry for being gone LMFOAOAOAOOOO my bad

synopsis: “Always, after he was in bed, there were voices—indefinite, fading, enchanting—just outside his window, and before he fell asleep he would dream one of his favorite waking dreams.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sometimes I dream of the ocean waves hitting our bare ankles as we run across the shore. The sharp rocks in the sand prove us of our time there, bloodied and jagged and real. Sometimes when I wake up, I still feel the ache on the bottom of my stained feet. I smell the seawater from my bed, all in its salty and bitter glory. It burns a little. The smell, I mean. But also the thought.

And sometimes I dream of the laughter. The stupid hiccups and the incessant giggles (I always said I hated when you did that, but I secretly smiled too when my back was turned). I would dream of me making a small joke, and I would dream of you laughing at it like it was the funniest thing you had ever heard in your life. A big hearty laugh, like it came straight from your chest. Whenever I heard your cachinnation, I could feel it in my chest, too. The warmth it exudes is similar to that of a mother’s embrace. (Not that I’d ever felt that before, though. It just feels like it would be similar.)

I liked the way your tone changed with your mood. When you were happy, I could hear the smile in your voice, even without looking at you. (I found that fact to be quite cute but, I would never admit it to your face.) When you were focused, you would always murmur an unfamiliar tune, and when asked about it, you would say, “I didn’t even know I was humming.” And when you spoke you always accompanied your words with the corners of your lips turned upwards. It was like a buy-one-get-one-free deal, as just talking to you was a pleasure in itself.

When I wake up from such a delightful dream, how could I not long for it afterwards? I often found it unfair the way I would open my eyes and see myself alone in my room. The silence always falls too heavy on me—and I crumble. It mocks me with a sing-songy voice you would hear from condescending pre-teens playing ball in the middle of a street. It leaves me humiliated, utterly helpless. I never remember how I cope with it each morning.

When the light of the sunrise shouts at me from my window, I am forced to push the comfort of my sheets away from my tender body. I look down at my darkened hands without a thought going through my mind. It’s when I realize my closed eyes were filled with tears, and a downpour finds its way into my synthetic hands.

Walking outside in the rain is a hassle, so I opt to stay inside where it's safe. Where I don’t short-circuit, where I can bask in the comfort of solitude, where I don’t remember you. Hah. Ironic how I say that, but everything reminds me of you, whether I like it or not.

The violet that comes in t-shirts and bookbags and graffiti remind me of your favorite purple sweater, and makes me scratch the phalanges of my index finger—they would be long lasting scars in flesh if I were human. When I walk past a person performing on the street (even though the sound is always god-awful, unlike your sweet voice), my shoulders tense up and fold into themselves. I have to remind myself to breathe, and to just act normal. Be normal.

Yeah, it’s difficult to live without you, but I do it everyday. At least… I think I do.

No; no. I live, but, I had forgotten what it was like to be alive.

To have someone nudge my shoulder to shut me up, to have someone mock me and draw on my face when I’m asleep. To expect a smile when I wake up, to expect snorting as I groggily open my eyes to meet face-to-face with a paint brush. To have someone steal my signature seat on the dinner table. To have someone be there for me. To just have someone there.

When I sit at the edge of my bed, feeling the crust of dried tears in the corners of my eyes, I stare at my cold and messy floor. Random objects scatter beneath my feet, an ocean of the known unknown. The history books I had collected over the generations to make sure you were not forgotten had been sprawled across the birch floor next to nick-knacks and doohickeys. Sometimes I’m tempted to pierce myself with whatever’s below, stomping into the abyss that is my room. It’s unsightly. So I lay back down, not even bothering to wipe my face clean. It beats having to deal with reality, where the world looks colorless and damp. Where the world is without you.

I want to be with you. Even though I don’t deserve to want it, I want to be with you. It doesn’t matter what we do; we could lay around for hours, not saying or doing a thing; we could tread around the harbor like kids, full of light and childish innocence. And I’m patient. I can tolerate the sick mornings. I won’t complain—I haven’t for the past few years I’ve dreamt of you. I can stand the suffering as long as I can see your faces in my dreams once more, because I fear that wanting you too much will take you away from me.

And you’re all I have.

So when I dream again—and I see you, and you see me—I’m happy. Happy like——I’m basking in the warm spring sun. The clouds make funny faces; you notice them all, but I can’t find a single image in the sky. It’s the perfect weather for a picnic; where I can set down a patchwork blanket and lay on it as I please; a book in one hand and your head on my shoulder. I can feel you relax unto me, and I relax in turn. You complain that it’s too “hard” (something I found as a compliment), and I jokingly tell you to get over it. We laugh, and we smile, and we get up to wander for a bit, and we smile again. Flowers bloom while we walk, and I feel my chest tighten. I pray in my head that it is hay fever.

“Please don’t go away again,” I say. It was out of the blue, and you almost didn’t notice the agonized expression on my face. I mean, I understand. I had never said something like that before. You were quiet for a moment—a moment too long, in fact—and I suddenly felt embarrassed at my abrupt plea. It had been a long, long time since I felt so unsure of myself.

I was about to defend myself, a hesitant laugh almost escaping my lips before you spoke aloud, “Silly Morax.” You laughed your usual laugh. I didn’t know whether to be tense or glad that you were acting normal. “What’re you on about? You’re paranoid for no reason!” I let out a chuckle of relief after being stunned at your response. What was I thinking? This was enough, the feeling. Just being able to share your warmth is enough for me. Time didn’t matter—five minutes or five days, I didn’t care. Just as long as I could see you. That’s all I—

“Yeah… You just have to accept it as it is; it has to happen eventually.”

I wake up again. Ridiculously enough, your expression imprinted itself into my mind. The one you made when you left me.

The space around me is blurry, a wave of red and black and somehow green follow where my vision leads. My stomach churns and I swallow back a gag. I can taste the blood coming from my lips at how hard I’m biting down on them, something to take my attention away from the pain in my chest. It feels like I’m being impaled. Like someone ripped my heart out and crudely put it back together with zip ties and a prayer.

It feels like I’ll never see you again, and I don’t know how to react. A chill runs down my spine, and I do not shiver, but I still shroud into a ball. Tight and secure, but so easy to collapse.

I know myself, but that is all.

[qslovebot]

KISS FOR YOUR LIFE: SPENCER REID

Summary: A BAU case leads the reader to take on an undercover role to flush out a ten-person mafia. Before the work can begin, things go awry and the reader has to improvise and pretend to seduce Spencer to keep her cover and arrest the real unsub.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings/includes: talk of murder, mentions of sex, suggested past experiences with misogyny, suggestive jokes, unsub is a radical feminist, swearing, arrests, guns, making out, sort of fluffy end.

Word Count: 4159

A/N: Written like an episode. I removed Rossi so... AU? First actual fanfic on here, tell me what you think?

Today was your first official day at the BAU, switching from two floors down as an underestimated agent to upstairs, with the Big League. Agent Hotchner decided he needed new, young-minded blood. He was notorious for picking the best of the best and after an intimidating interview with him and his brooding questions, he decided he wanted you on his team.

You had been here before, of course. You frequently visited the ever-chatting Penelope Garcia for lunch, sometimes in her office, sometimes heading downstairs for a slice of pizza or a salad. She vented about her issues, while you talked about the constant misogyny that ran through the men on your floor. She was five years older than you and decided that as your 'elder' she would put on the angry soccer mom look and kick their asses. But, lucky for you, two floors upward, the men didn't act like children on the job, so Garcia could keep her regular look.

Here it was, glass entrance, high ceilings. The air smelled like paper and was filled with a fresh sort of low mumbling and the small clicks of the keyboards. A semi-fresh start. Today you would organize your new desk, sort files, meet the others...

"Agent (Y/L/N), we have a case in Boston, we will be briefed on the jet. Get your things ready, we leave in twenty-five minutes," Agent Hotchner said as he walked by. He didn't stop for a single second, those dark dress shoes clomping heavily to the desks of your new fellow agents to inform them as well. So much for your plans.

Not wanting to appear unready, you rushed to set your things down and grab the few things you needed for the case. Hotchner had said always bring three spare outfits rolled to the smallest packing size possible, toiletries (toothpaste, toothbrush, hairbrush, and feminine hygiene products) as well as one extra pair of shoes. Those were already packed into a small bag, so in with those went your notebook, pens, and highlighter. You came prepared, so in no time, you were on the jet for the first time, exhilarated.

A hand was extended to you when you took your seat. It belonged to a man with caramel skin and a dazzling smile, "You must be (Y/L/N). The name is Derek Morgan." Anyone who used 'the name is' seemed like they felt superior in some way. It was used in the media to introduce someone of importance. 'The name is Bond, James Bond', ran through your head as you gratefully shook his hand.

"My name is Emily Prentiss and I... didn't quite catch your first name," a woman with a v-neck sweater also reached to shake your hand. "I think I may have heard it, but I must have forgotten."

"(Y/N)," you replied with a small smile. It felt nice to be greeted with kind eyes, rather than greedy ones. "It's not a very memorable name, don't worry."

Emily looked apologetic, but soon reverted to her previous smile. I was greeted by the blonde woman across the aisle, too far to shake my hand. "My name is Jennifer Jareau, I'm the media liaison, but you can call me JJ, everyone does. It's really great to meet you- for a moment I thought Penelope had made up a friend as a result of too many hours in front of a screen."

You laughed a little, ruffling your hair. She seemed outgoing, but I had already started profiling Derek Morgan and I wanted to stop there. Agent Hotchner sat down with someone I had never noticed on my visits to Penelope. I had noticed everyone else here on this jet at least once before, but... not him. How had you missed him?

He stood at about six-one, maybe six-two? He was thin, much the opposite to Morgan's greatly muscular arms. This man was calm-looking, quiet. His clothes said that maybe he was meticulous and orderly- he looked like the kind of person who didn't own a single pair of sweatpants. His face was chiselled, with a sharp jawline and cheekbones that carved the shadows on his face. His eyes, however, were much softer. Long eyelashes and dark eyes made them bigger, but they were slightly blocked by bronze-toned brown curls that at the end of his combed and gelled hair, wrapped around his jaw, neck, and face.

He was beautiful, if you were entirely frank with yourself.

And he didn't even notice you were there until Hotchner nudged his arm in a way that said 'say hello' the same way one would introduce two toddlers. You were sure you weren't a toddler and nor was this man, but it appeared you both may have been the youngest there.

When he looked your way, you wanted to look away, but couldn't. He seemed surprised to see you there and you were trying to play off the staring by introducing yourself. "Hi, I'm SSA (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I don't think we've met, it's nice to meet you." You extended your hand and he just shook his head no, his lips pressing into a tight line.

He didn't shake hands, you realized. Probably a slight germophobe. You cleared your throat, "I'm sorry if that was an uncomfortable gesture, I didn't know." Humiliating.

The tall man opened his mouth to say something, shut his mouth, opened it again but then turned a little pink and sat down immediately next to Hotchner and stared at his hands that were folded in his lap. You had thought you nailed pretty much every introduction, but this one? Fuck.

You reverted back to your business with a sigh, patting your knees. It felt like you had somehow lost something. JJ whispered to you, silently pointing to the tall man, "Dr. Spencer Reid, human encyclopedia, dictionary, and knows pretty much everything." You nodded a thank you and she nodded back.

Derek Morgan, however, tapped Emily Prentiss on the shoulder and mumbled, "Reid did his 'pretty-girl-freakout'."

Emily gasped, "Oh, he did!

The two seemed to have forgotten you were in front of them and they noticed your confusion in unison, both of them freezing up and chuckling nervously. You smiled an extremely awkward smile and left thinking about Dr. Spencer Reid for later as you got to the case.

This was about a female mafia boss who seemed to take on the personality, style, and characteristics of the taste of rich men and kill them after having sex with them. The woman was reported and seen by one witness to see her and that was the only person outside of this mafia who had seen her face, so they were working with the sketch artist and would have the picture ready and accurate upon our arrival.

Victimology was simple, she was after men who had too much power. She probably identified with being a radical feminist. She was after their money and had sex with them to dethrone them on the way. Possibly bordered on a personality disorder considering she seemed to be entirely all-in to her 'disguises'.

The funniest thing was the way they all looked at you when you announced those lines. Perhaps you would work yourself out of the 'child' stage faster than you thought.

The BAU hit the precinct in much less time than I had expected and on the ground, running. You were immediately given things to do and you were on top of it all, every order. That was until the drawing of the Mafia leader AKA 'The Seductress' was pulled up and the whole BAU gasped at how she looked EXACTLY like you.

"Do I need my cuffs?" Morgan joked. You had covered your mouth in disbelief and the rest of the room was doing double-takes.

You laughed nervously, "I swear... that isn't me, but oh my god..." Morgan was laughing and Emily and JJ whispering and had confused smiles. Spencer Reid stood in the corner, his hand on his cheek, seemingly studying the photo. He looked statue-like, borderline godly.

"Can this be used to our advantage?" Hotch launched back into technical thinking, brow furrowed. You looked at him, mouth open, but immediately shut it out of professionalism. What was going on in his head?

Reid spoke up, "If we position her just right and at the right time in one of the hotspots for that group, we can possibly get her to somehow trick the other members into some sort of turn-in."

Her. Indirect. Did you do something wrong?

"Or a simple appearance could start gossip and a possible flock to where she was spotted. As long as people aren't seeing double or reaching to do so, she can play as The Seductress." Emily said, looking at you. "Are you up to try, (Y/L/N)?"

All eyes on you. Your first day turned to chaos. But this was your job and you would prove your place here. So you agreed and in a whisk of an afternoon, you were transformed into the mirror image of The Seductress while you were talked through the plan through a radio. Turned out, so prove a professional place, you needed to make yourself look ridiculously unprofessional.

Pinned up hair, dark cat eye makeup, a dress similar to hers that happened to be on hand. Long, deep red, with a long slit up the side and your tits were practically falling out of it, but the dress fit and they were secure, so you dealt with it. There was no other space for a gun other than the side of your thigh where The Seductress kept hers knife. Now, you had to get going, meaning you had to face the BAU in the getup.

When you walked out, Derek Morgan hooted and whistled and Emily gave him a look that said 'oh lord' like an annoyed sibling. You smiled a little and essentially just kept walking, figuring if you moved, it would give them less time to stare at your tits.

Turning the corner, you noticed that Dr.Spencer Reid was much redder than he had been earlier on the jet. So maybe he really did think you were pretty. You caught yourself smiling at the thought, but shook your head free of any ideas. Professional! No crushes on Spencer Reid!

You arrived near the scene, dropped off by Hotchner. "You know what to do. Reid will be going with you to the crateyard, he will also be nearby when you head in. If you see The Seductress, do not make the arrest. If you can, lure her."

You nodded. Wow, first time in the field with the BAU and you had the leading role. No pressure, no pressure, just... everyone depending on you. But the pressure came back when you realized you had heard right and Reid was going with you, alone. You had done really well with the job so far today, minus finding the tall doctor extremely attractive. He came to stand beside you and since he was much taller than you were, you were sure he could look right down your dress without even trying. Not like anyone had to try, but he had the upper hand.

You ached to cover yourself, but that was a major risk. The Seductress was confident, she wouldn't cover-up. You got into the tinted car with Reid, him in the driver's seat and you in the passenger's seat. Silence crept up, but he turned the engine over and headed east to where the mafia was to meet up.

"Some first day," you mumbled nervously.

Reid seemed to think you had said something to him and he talked to you directly for what seemed like the first time. "P-pardon?" He had a stutter when talking to you and to be honest it was cute but there was no time to crush!

"Oh, I was just remarking to myself on how this is my first day and I'm already... so... out there." You sighed and pat your knees. The jitters crept up, but so did butterflies. "Nervous, I'm nervous."

He looked over and swallowed hard, so hard it was audible. Was he fighting the same urge to be friendlier or was he just fighting the urge to look at your tits like a twelve-year-old boy would? Either way, you were glad he was with you. He smelled like books, leather, and cologne and it was oddly calming.

You reached the other side of the crateyard in a few more minutes and he handed you your gun, which you shoved into the holster on your thigh. "You're going without a vest so... k-keep focused," Spencer said- and it seemed like he had so many words jumbled on the tip of his tongue, but refused to say them. You thought he was afraid to annoy you, as you knew he liked to give lengthy explanations. "I'll be behind, uh- the crates."

You smiled at him and watched him look away, his curls falling in his face. God, he was so gorgeous. If this went wrong, you were glad you would go with that shy look of his in the front of your mind. He pulled on his vest and you put out a hand and stopped him. "If they see you with the vest at all, in any way, they'll know what's happening."

He nodded, keeping his eyes from yours as he pulled on a plain black jacket over the vest. For a genius, he seemed to have his mind a little fuzzy tonight. In the dark of the night, the only lights were flickering lamps on high-beamed poles. Your heart was beating hard as you waited for the signal to begin to move.

"G-good luck," Spencer's words fumbled out of his mouth and I looked at him for a moment where he looked right back at you. He chewed on his bottom lip, eyelids fluttering as you tried to look anywhere else and there it was- the radio signal. The tension that was there in that brief moment defused. You gave him a small smile before opening the car door and standing tall, in the aura of The Seductress.

Spencer waited until you were out between the crates to leave the car. You heard the door shut gently behind you, but his footsteps were silent. Much quicker than you thought, there was a gruff voice that didn't belong to Spencer. "My lady, may I say what an honour it is to have you join us this evening." You spun to face a man in a dark suit. You didn't have The Seductress's voice, so you nodded in the most gracious way you could.

"Bernard and Lolita are waiting inside the abandoned building for the small exchange as well as the rest of us, but Mamacita... you're being tailed by the FBI." He said, pointing to the crate that hid Dr. Spencer Reid. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I'll go kill him for you!"

So flat out, he wanted to kill Spencer Reid, a rotting smile on his face as if it was an act of kindness. He knew Spencer was there, he saw... but you weren't busted? God, this man was stupid.

"No," you said, in a quiet, yet strong voice, grabbing the gruff man by the shoulder pad. "He is my kill."

The man grinned an evil grin and you did your best to smile evilly in return. You showed him your gun and he rubbed his palms together. "The gluck and Glock," he chuckled. "Can I watch?"

He thought you were going to fuck and kill Spencer. Your heart skipped a beat and you tried hard not to show it. Oh no... how to work your way out of this... Spencer couldn't help you. Or... could he?

You glared at the man, "No, but I know that his team is on the way. Get Bernard, Lolita, and anyone else in on the next killings from that abandoned building and run straight west. Do not stop. I will catch up to you once I'm finished with the agent here." You improvised the best you could and this stupid man bought it. Little did he know that the team was stationed Westbound.

"Got it," his face was dazed and malevolent. "But I'm not leaving until I know you've got this handled, my lady."

"You question my skill?" You shot back, still acting.

He looked scared for a moment, "No, not at all, I just... You're a lot shorter than I was expecting."

You stared daggers, "And you insult me?"

"Just wanted to know you had it covered... in case something is fishy here..." was he really catching on or was he confused and just running through the precautions?

Fuck, you had been so focused on the cover you forgot you were a profiler. This man was small-minded, probably brought into this ordeal through family ties. Since he was so stupid, he was trusted with less... hence why he was outside the building as the lookout, rather than in on the meeting.

Why he wouldn't leave- he was so incapable of proper interaction he had never had the chance to be with a woman. Watching was the only way he would ever see. He was stupid and he was stubborn. He was not going to leave until he saw the beginning.

The best thing would be to let him stay for proof. "Fine. But when I give you my look, you run and get everyone running straight West." You narrowed your eyebrows at him and he looked like he was going to sweat out of his skin. But... this meant...

You had a few seconds, you rushed over to behind the crate to where Spencer stood, his gun in hand. "W-what are you-" he questioned in a whisper-yell.

"He's onto me, I need you to go along with this- can I kiss you, Dr.Reid?" You whispered back. His eyes went wide and his cheeks flushed pink. Once again, being professional called for being unprofessional. You really didn't want to kiss him- at least not now, not like this. He wouldn't speak and the mafia man was coming. "Reid, if I don't do this, he won't flush the group West and we'll both be shot and if not shot, targeted by a mafia!"

"Y-yes!" he practically squeaked, his back to the crate he was hiding behind. This really was the only way- this other man would not be talked down, because he was taught to just shoot, rather than listen and understand. "I'm sorry if I-"

You cut him off by reaching up, grabbing the collar of his shirt and kissing him. It took him a moment, but he kissed back. You could feel the heat off of his cheeks. The first day on the job, you had embarrassed yourself, gotten dressed like a Mafia killer, played the part, and now you were kissing Dr.Spencer Reid in a crateyard... and he was surprisingly not a bad kisser. He was a little sloppy the first few seconds but moments later, he figured it out. His one hand went on your jaw, the other on your waist, both of them shaking. You could tell that the shaking wasn't because the man watching you both right now had a gun, it was you.

You were making out with him, hard. Your body was pressed to his tightly against the crate and Spencer was holding you there. Your hands were still gripping his shirt. Messy altogether but your lips met in every perfect way. It was good, but for work. This was when you knew to stop- you had convinced the other man. You pulled away, turned your head and mouthed to the mafia man, 'GO' and he ran.

Now things would be extremely awkward. You pushed yourself away from Spencer whose hands stayed on your waist and face until you were entirely out of his reach. You laughed anxiously and he stood there, hands behind his back. That was... that was wow, but... it was for the case. For the case.

It was time to get moving. Spencer knew it, you knew it. The real Seductress was on her way. You turned your head over your shoulder and he was moving slowly, head down. You fought off a small smile. He was entirely red, gun still held loosely in his hand.

You turned your head and were met by a sharp blow to the face. Both of you had let your guard down. Stupid.

"I don't like impostors," said the female voice that was the source of the blow. Hell, it was her. Spencer clocked his gun into place and you turned, elbowing The Seductress in the chest. She returned with another hard blow that you ducked, spinning around her and kicking the back of her leg. She recovered quickly and shot up, punching you in the stomach. You lost your breath for a second and she took the opportunity to punch you in the jaw and pull a knife.

"Put the knife down!" Spencer called. His voice was stronger facing a woman with a sharp knife than it was when talking to you alone. "I know who you are, you want what's right for women, correct?"

The Seductress narrowed her eyes at him like her next meal, leaving you on the ground. Would Spencer shoot if she threw that knife? Odd she didn't have a gun on her. She must have been relying on the others for more protection. You stood up quietly, watching her slowly advance on Spencer. He had your lipstick smeared over his lips, he looked rough, but he held his gun out in front of him and had the other hand up to reason with her. "Men like you think yourselves above women. You, FBI, you think yourself better than men and women alike because you're the authority. Tell me, how do you like your women, Agent?"

He gulped, eyes flickering to you. You pulled out your gun. "I think... I think I'm a weak man and I'm no better than anyone. I don't deserve women." Spencer said, looking at the evil lady. In person, she looked a lot less like you.

"Lies. It's the instinct of men to feel superior to women. You'll have a lot less instinct when you're dead!" She snarled, lunging at him with her blade out. You pulled the trigger, she fell to the ground. Not dead, but wounded to pass out. Spencer narrowly jumped out of her way, watching her knife clatter to the ground.

You looked up at Spencer, bewildered. You had done it. You saved the case, took down a murderous mafia boss. It was only when Spencer pointed at your face and said, "Y-you're bleeding, (Y/N), are you okay?"- that you noticed your cut lip and the blood pouring from your forehead. But you also noticed he called you by your first name.

He reached a hand forward but retracted it when you winced from the sudden pain. Adrenaline took the pain away temporarily, you supposed. There were still things to be done. Spencer called for backup and a medic and watched as you cuffed the woman. She wasn't going to die, but she did need help.

Once medics arrived, Spencer drove you both back to the Westward situation, where ten arrests had been made. You were in a state of haze, so how Spencer's jacket got around your shoulders was a mystery. When you stepped out of the car, you were greeted by the rest of the agents.

"Are you okay?!" Prentiss was the first to greet you both. She grabbed you by the shoulders and looked at the nearly-dried blood on your skin. "We got worried when you didn't follow soon after, you got her?"

"Yeah," you smiled tiredly.

She grinned back. "Fill us in on the details on the way back, okay? Let's get you two cleaned up."

But Derek Morgan found Spencer, "Hey pretty-boy, is that royal rouge you've got on your lips there?" he teased. Spencer panicked and looked into the mirror of the nearest car, seeing that he did in fact have your lipstick on his mouth. He tried to wipe it off with his wrist, but it still stained. You wiped your own lip with your thumb and Derek caught you. "Okay, Miss Newbie, I see you."

Your eyes widened and Emily raised her eyebrows at you, a teasing smile on her lips. "It was to keep my cover. It's what sent those guys your way, one of them has serious sexual issues." You made sure they knew it- to save yourself and to save Spencer. Derek Morgan spun away with a huge knowing grin, back to Hotchner who was conversing with the Chief of Police. Emily pulled you away to the other medics and you shot Spencer a smile as you went.

He smiled back, still wiping off his mouth.

-tags

@ellyhotchner @softhairedhotch <3

[sorrelchestnut]

Polaris and Hold Fast for the WIP meme?

(For the "WIP Folder" askmeme, still taking asks if anyone wants to play!)

HOLD FAST is a little side story picking up after the events of chapter 2 of Sharp Edges, aka Ed having a totally great and normal day with no problems whatsoever. :D

"Um, Ed?" says Stede, from right outside the door.  "Are you quite alright in there?" Ed almost trips over the bathtub.  "Uh, yeah, mate!"  His expression in the little bathroom mirror is panicked and - it's gotta be said - more than a little deranged.  All the rainwater mostly managed to wash the charcoal out of his beard, but the paint on his face has gone all drippy and smear-y, like a whore after a failed baptism.  It's not a good look.  "Just- cleaning up a bit." There's a pregnant pause, during which Ed imagines Stede battering his way through the door like he did the night of the fuckery.  He's completely unprepared for Stede to say, delicately: "I can go, if you'd prefer?" What Ed would prefer is a couple good lengths of rope and a sturdy anchor to make sure Stede never goes anywhere ever again, but even he is aware that would make him sound like a lunatic so he just calls back, "Just give me a fucking minute!" and hopes that Stede can't hear the strident note in his voice. "Er, right, yes, of course."  Another pause, and then a funny little knock of Stede's knuckles against the door frame and his footsteps fade away down the hall. Ed listens to make sure he's out of earshot and then points at himself in the mirror.  "Get it the fuck together," he hisses at his reflection.  His reflection grimaces back at him, deeply unimpressed.

Polaris is a Stede/Izzy AU where Stede runs away to sea the morning of his wedding without all the cushioning comfort of his family money and ends up sharing a night to remember with a handsome and dangerous pirate in some grimy port, never to be seen again. Ten years later Izzy's looking to sell some cargo and gets sent to the best fence in Nassau, aaaaaand ta-da. This one is wildly self-indulgent even for me but the incredible that our stars should divide got me thinking about alternate meetings and then this grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let go.

"Excuse me!" Izzy glances over his shoulder to where the twat has followed him out the door.  "The fuck do you want?" "To say thank you," the twat says, which is unexpected enough that Izzy actually comes to a stop and turns, facing him.  He's haloed in the doorway, the spill of lantern light painting true gold into his hair and casting his face into shadow, but Izzy can just make out the edges of a smile anyway.  "It was very kind of you." "Yeah, well, wouldn't have had to if you'd kept your nose where it fucking belongs." "You're not wrong," he says ruefully.  "I just can't abide a bully." "Not going to last long in this life, then," Izzy drawls, then scowls at himself.  Why is he fucking talking to him, why isn't he just fucking walking away- -but it's too late, because the twat laughs like Izzy just said the funniest joke in the world and swipes an errant lock of hair out of his eyes.  "Probably!" he agrees, and steps forward into the light.  He's older than he looked at first glance, maybe mid-thirties, with smile lines at the corners of his eyes and a patchy reddish beard starting to fill in on his jaw.  "Stede Bonnet, at your service."