#ah!! hopefully im doing this right
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The King is gone. In his place, the Crowned Prince, Welsknight, rules in his lofty court. By his side, his Knight Champion, there to keep him safe until the King returns. But more dangerous than the Court is the Prince's boredom, and though Helsknight tries to do right by his Prince, what sort of knight fears laying down his life for his charge? And what resentment will build when it's demanded?
Finally finished my piece for @mcytblraufest! It is posted in it's entirety and ready to be read in all its 21k word glory!
Also, shout-out to my amazing artists for this project, @winterbyn and @thatapolloguy! Please do check them out!
You can find the compiled work they made for the fic here!
Also, if you're enjoying the fic vibes, I also made a small playlist for it! You can listen to it here!
#the barking writer#mcytblraufest2024#welsknight#helsknight#shakespearian-style tragedy#ah!! hopefully im doing this right#ive never really coordinated posting something like this before :'D
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E&T: A Truly Slothful Start
*points at Erebus* Bro is NOT built for this lmao (btw I drew the sloth demon a v long time ago enjoy)
Suggested battle music: Grandma (Destruction) from NieR: Automata (spotify | youtube)
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Ingredients: combat whump we fight monster, amputation hehe (not gory tho!), slight drowning, undescribed eye whump
PART III: Untitled World
The things that hit him first were the suffocating darkness and the awful chill in the air.
Erebus knew he didn’t belong here. All around him, strange rock formations jutted out every which way, no sign of life among them. There didn’t seem to be any source of light, and yet everything was clearly visible, casting hardly any shadow. The silence was nearly absolute, pressing in on his ears. The only thing he could hear was the freakishly loud sound of his own heartbeat, amplified by the collar around his neck.
Wait, the collar-he reached up for it, fingers closing around the awful strip of leather that he’d been forced to wear since the start of his captivity. He had a sword, he had claws, and N...no one would make him wear another one if he broke it. So he should take it off, right? He should destroy it. He’d always hated it, the way it meant he was owned, how it let-let people put leashes on him and lead him around like a dog. She...she’d said it herself, that he had to wear it so he wouldn’t forget that he belonged to her, but now they were...not together. So it shouldn’t matter.
But he couldn’t stop thinking about when she’d taken it off for the procedure with the envy demon, about how utterly, embarrassingly exposed he’d felt without that stupid collar. Maybe the feeling would pass, and he would just have to get used to being without it. He hadn’t worn one for the vast majority of his life, so it should be easy to adjust back, right? Besides, it was more than just a collar, it was a way for her to know if someone other than her was touching him, and that was violating, it was...it was a way for her to know he was alive. Assuming it worked, assuming whatever signal it was could be sent to another world.
Erebus lowered his hands, still chained together, as he blinked away tears. He-he was really here, in this other world with only a slim chance of ever going back. He’d take every tie to his old life he could get, no matter how painful. And if the spell on the collar worked, then…he owed it to her to let her know he was still alive. He could wear the collar for a little while longer. The muzzle, on the other hand...he didn’t mind tearing that off and throwing it away in the slightest.
Shakily, he stood, grabbing the sheathed sword in front of him. Being expected to fight was…strange. But, looking at himself now, he was practically designed for this, almost every modification giving him some sort of advantage. It made his blood run cold to think about how this had been the plan from the start, how obvious it seemed now. He wanted to lay down and sob and process what had happened, but everything was so different and strange that he didn’t feel safe enough to let his guard down like that. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he buckled the sword belt around his waist and began looking around.
Behind where he’d appeared, there was a bag lying on the ground. Inside was a cloak with holes for his wings, a knife, and a bedroll. Well, better than nothing, but he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do about food and water or lighting a fire. Maybe that demon tongue would be coming in handy, after all. He put on the cloak, grateful to have something to help him keep warm in this place, along with the shoes he still had on from their trip to the desert.
Nothing else here, he began carefully making his way along one of the stone cliffs, leaning on it since there had never been a chance to fully heal the gash in his leg. Progress was slow, and maybe it would have been a good time to think things through, but he couldn’t stop tears from forming in his eyes at the mere thought of what had happened, so instead he just focused on the pain in his leg, flaring up brighter with every step.
Time felt impossible to grasp, as if this place was outside of it entirely, but at some point Erebus reached the end of the maze of stone. He was greeted with what looked like a vast ocean, but the water was unnaturally calm, not a single ripple on the glass-like surface. Had there been stars above, it would have been beautiful, but under the canopy of uniform blackness, it just looked like a cold, empty void.
Erebus hesitated to step out in the open, no walls to protect him, but the silence was so absolute that he couldn’t imagine there was another living thing anywhere near him. His leg didn’t hurt quite as much anymore despite how much he’d been walking, so he was able to hobble to the water’s edge and investigate, setting the pack down to make moving around a little easier. The sword, however, still hung at his side, just in case.
The water was clear, and as far as he could tell, there was no sign of life in it whatsoever. It was jarringly different from the seaside at home, where you could hardly take a step without spotting a shellfish or aquatic plant. Here, it was just pebbles, no broken shells or bits of dead coral among them. He crouched and dipped a finger in, finding the water both cold and salty. The ripples created by his finger traveled far, seeming to get bigger as they traveled along. Suddenly, even bigger ripples rushed to meet them from farther out, and Erebus’s stomach knotted in terror as he bolted upright, pulling out the sword, having to hold it with both hands since they were still chained.
He strained his eyes in the darkness, looking for whatever had caused the disturbance. Was that...there was something in the water out there, he was sure of it. He took a few steps back, sword still held in front of him, watching the strange shape grow larger and larger as it approached. The moment the tip of its nose emerged, the surface of the water erupted, spraying Erebus with cold mist and shooting tendrils out into the open air that coalesced into a large sort of web. Arches of water now crisscrossed all throughout the space, severely limiting how much he could fly around, especially since he never had a chance to practice it much. In the middle of the watery network was a large bubble, and when he saw what was inside it, Erebus’s jaw dropped.
The creature was enormous, big enough to swallow him whole in one bite. Its pale gray body was long, with two pairs of flippers that were almost as big as Erebus and a webbed, spiny ridge going down its back. A cruel, curved hook jutted out from the end of its tail, almost as sharp-looking as its conical teeth. As Erebus looked at it in horror, it turned its gaze to him, its blank white eyes staring into his own identical pair. So this…this must be a sloth demon. He was supposed to fight that?
He could leave, just run and hide, this thing couldn’t follow him through those rocky canyons, he could stop and take a moment to think, but this was an enemy right in front of him, and no matter how terrifying, it had revealed itself, no more surprises. Erebus tightened his grip. If he could-could beat this thing then he could really rest. It would be safe here. He would be that much closer to going h…somewhere that wasn’t here. He could do this. He had to.
Despite how much he was shaking, Erebus took flight and approached, finding it difficult to do so while he was holding the sword, but not enough for him to fall out of the air. The demon just watched as he flew past the jets of water, and Erebus hated those blank white eyes boring into him, which just made him loathe his own all that much more. How…how exactly was he supposed to attack it? It was so huge and he couldn’t see any kind of obvious weakness, not to mention that it was surrounded by a sphere of water. While he knew his eyes worked underwater, he could only imagine his wings would be a hindrance, not to mention the heavy sword.
Maybe…maybe he should just retreat for now. Come up with a plan and come back. This was just…it was too much. Reassuring himself that the demon couldn’t follow him, he cautiously turned around and started to weave his way through the tendrils of-there was a sharp jerk on his wing, and suddenly Erebus was being dragged through the air, crashing into pillars of water as he went, barely registering the splash of his sword hitting the sea below as he scrambled to get his wing free of-of-it was that hook it was pierced through the top of Erebus’s wing he couldn’t get it out his fingers were slippery and freezing and useless he had to do something kick his legs flap his wings anything-
Just as those awful teeth came into view, Erebus managed to swing himself back, but the chain on his wrists was caught, wrapped around a tooth, his fall jerked to a halt, he was hanging by his wrists, the hook was gone but his wing wouldn’t work, he had to do something, that eye was so big and so close, watching him struggle, the beast’s throat humming with an ancient growl, hungry, he couldn’t just let this happen, he grabbed the tooth with his left hand and the chain with his right, he could do this, pull himself up enough to-
The great jaws snapped shut, and Erebus tumbled into the water below.
Cold shocked his system, despite the fact that his left arm felt like it was on fire.
He couldn’t stay down here. He had to get to the surface.
But, down there, a faint glint. Metal. His sword. His only hope of winning.
He swam towards it, progress slow and painful and-
His left hand was gone.
There wasn’t time to mourn it.
His remaining hand wrapped around the hilt of the sword. It was heavy, too heavy for him to swim up with.
He was running out of air. He had to try. This couldn’t be the end. Not here. Not so soon after-
The hook pierced through his wing again, and it was all he could do to hold onto his sword this time around.
The sloth demon pulled him up and out of the water with its tail, tossing him high into the air as it opened its great jaws to swallow him whole. His wings torn and useless, all Erebus could do was flap them desperately and hope it would be enough, hope he could at least-his foot landed on one of those teeth, holding him for just a moment before he slipped, but it was enough to aim his sword hold it steady launch himself down drive that point right down into the demon’s eye paint that awful soulless white with red hear the roar of agony so loud he could feel it in his bones and now the water was collapsing falling back down the great corpse falling with it he had to get away wrench the sword out jump back splash into the water struggle to the surface to the shore drag himself out of the water collapse on the shore and breathe.
He-he’d won, but just barely, and the losses were-Erebus bit back tears, looking away from the ragged stump at the end of his left arm. There was no way he could survive six more fights like that.
This horrible, hostile place was going to destroy him, and there would be nothing left of him to go back home.
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Tags: @dramaticcollapse @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @galaxywhump @as-a-matter-of-whump @mnmlover2002 @tears-and-lilies @yet-another-heathen @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @starnight-whump @unicornscotty @thebewilderer @kixngiggles @itallstartedwithharry @inky-whump @redstainedsocks @lonesome--hunter @his-unspoken-words @susiequaz12 @its-mysweetlittlesecret-blog @whumpasaurus101 @patheticlittleguy @jadeocean46910 @whumpinggrounds @pumpkin-spice-whump @suspicious-whumping-egg @befuddled-calico-whump @whump-in-the-closet @pumpkinsncoffee @aryreads
#i wrote something#erebus & terror#erebus#somiaken#combat whump#amputation#suggested music is just there for you to listen to during the fight sequence if you wish!! it has been selected as Fitting#yeah he was uh. he was sizzling in the frying pan like bacon for the last while but i have since dumped him into my giant campfire#delightful isn't it#IT'S THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: MAN DECIDES TO KEEP HIS COLLAR ON LMAOOOO#trauma and attachment to neteri go crazy#he will cry so much later dont worry but right now he is running on adrenaline and fear. terror if you will#he needs a cozy little safe place to do the sobbing#so let's go beat up the giant aquatic dinosaur demon im sure that will end well-oh no#his ass lucked out i sure hope that's not a trend 🤪 almost like he wasn't ready for this or something#hopefully the funky water bullshit was described well enough just a bunch of random arches of water basically#so it's more Water but the fight isn't totally underwater hooray#ah finally the handcuff chain wrapped around tooth incident i have been waiting for so long <3333#listen i cant say anything about sloth without saying TRULY SLOTHFUL rezero activity confirmed
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I keep telling myself im gonna stop talking politically with people and then i do anyways 😭😭 cant bloody help myself 💀
#in my defense is because someone was calling me a hp fan. because tbh. it was a big part of my personality but i of course just.#detest it and anything to do with it now because of jk r*wling#but yeah the way i was called it and then when i tried to explain that i hate her because ahes racist - islamophobic - a zi*nist - trans#phobic etc etc and then suddenly its like 'oh ill need to find my own proof#LIKE HOW ARE YOU CALLING ME A SUPER FAN AND THEN NOT TRUSTING MY KNOWLDEGE ON SOMETHING THAT I DO IN FACT KNOW A LOT ABOUT AND ACTIVELY KEEP#UP WITH. im gonna scream and never stop. i actually am so exhausted of constantly being told im wrong or just flat out ignored when im right#and then its like 'twitter isnt a credible source' WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN#LIKE ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF TALK#yes random accounts saying any old thing isnt reliable BUT THE ACTUAL TWITTER ACCOUNT OF THE PERSON SAYING THE STUFF#omfg i actually just. i hate it here. i want to never speak to anothwr person ever again.#le text post#anyways. main point is i do not wanna be associated with hp or jk r*wling at all anymore. and hopefully people will fucking do that#sorry not to go on but the other point of 'oh but the books are still good it doesnt change that' FROM PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER READ THEM AAA
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love restarting durge playthroughs in baldies gate 3. this really is just like shadow the hedgehog (2005)
#crush 40 was so right when they said black-hearted evil... or brave-hearted hero......#can you see all of me walk into my mystery hold on for dear life...... love it when that happened. in baldurs.#actually i do think its comical that my usual rollout is like durge/shart/laezel/astarion. team dark adjacent indeed#anyway im finishing up some wips today WHEEEE i will hopefully have stuff ready to post in a couple of days LOL#hope everyone is well. im mostly recovered from covid but still have some leftover funk... ah well#personal.txt
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that
#ow....... my heart 🥹#im not even really sad about anything specific its just been such a long week. and probably the comedown is enhancing it#i just want to cry snottily into someones shirt for like half an hour and maybe ill be okay#its just so haaaard. and i think the meds do help a bit but it still takes effort on my part too. and it sucks a ljttle bit that theyll-#take a while to get used to and maybe therell still be some side effects anyway. and also they could be stopped by shortages at any time#i guess it just scares me a bit the idea of depending on smth like medication just to get a little closer to being a functional human#i wish that came with existing already.. but no point lamenting abt it. the cards have been dealt and its not all that bad really#i just want to be happy.... not all the time but maybe a solid 60-70% of the time. if thats not too much. dont we all girl!!#ah my life is pretty good as it is though and i have a lot to be grateful for. but im allowed to want a little more... right 🥹#im going to go to beddddd. hopefully ill sleep better tonight and tomorrow will be a nice day. at least i dont have to work yayy#ahhh. also its my birthday soon and it always makes me sad coming up to and having a birthday i dont know why..#i dont mind getting older but i guess it makes me feel quite reflective and sometimes its hard to think about the past/future#i want to be able to celebrate birthdays and let people be nice to me and have fun about it! and i say every year ill try better at it#but i never manage to get there it always feels like too much to ask for and too much to take.. ah. well its okay really#ill make myself a cake and do smth fun. and have a good cry at some point but thats just part of the day#not for another few weeks anyway.. okay 10pm lights out zzzz#.diaries
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Yayyyyyyyy finally working on my pinned post :D having fun :D
Its funny to me cause I'll do these super organizational things for fandom purposes and genuinely have fun with it, but then would rather die than be even remotely organizational for school
#theres two wolves inside of me:#meticulously tagging my tumblr and photo gallery(this is one example)#vs: all of my school papers no matter the class are just shoved into my backpack all together#my parents are always like why cant you put this focus into school#dont you understand that my blorbos arent there :<#anyways one day ill actually post my pinned post#its that kinda thing where i cant stop adding to it and itll never be perfect so it just sits on my draft#but atm im going through and making a directory for all my race gifposts#looking at 2005 in January is crazy bcs wow i really did do 9 races in a week#its sooooooo satisfying to have 2005 be completely finished#itll be cool to (hopefully) see the other seasons begin to rack up while 2023 is slower#as ive mentioned a bit still a little wild for me to be at the same place at both 2009 and 2023#ngl....imola being canceled is satisfying for me bcs it means Monaco is in its rightful place as Round Six#id have to check but like...in most seasons in the past 2 decades monaco is generally the 6th#so that it lines up makes me happy bcs consistency is key!!#tho I wonder if ill watch several races before 2023 monaco hmm probably!#ah anyways having fun looking through these older posts bcs tumblr's tagging system sometimes sucks#like you know when you look up your own post on your own blog and it doesnt show up???? bugs me sm#catie.rambling.txt
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hey i just wanted to tell you that even though i don't know your exact feelings, i can relate a lot to what you've expressed on here... life is very tiring, it's okay to acknowledge that. i won't even pretend that things will get better because who knows and it won't feel like a possibility when you're as down as you say. i get that. i feel the same way right now. if it's any comfort to you, you're not alone in those feelings or thoughts and i know it takes a lot to be vulnerable about it. please forgive me if i'm overstepping by even messaging you about this. i do hope things will get brighter for you, i hope you can find even small things to keep you going. i'm sure one day it'll be different, i want to believe it will anyway. i personally enjoy your presence here and i look forward to whatever content you create, and seeing you find joy in the same group as me is nice. take care friend, do what you can. i'm sending you love
🫂🤍🌙 You're not overstepping at all;; I really appreciated your kind words 😞🖤 It means a lot to me genuinely I appreciate it... I hope that you too start to feel a little warmer and happier as the days go on... Take care of yourself as well ☹️🖤
#i feel so lonely i guess that's the hardest part of it all right 🥲#because no one around me really understands how i feel#of course it helps knowing i'm not insane in my feelings...#i hate feeling hopeless and sorry for myself like this... 😞 i hate being miserable 24/7 you know... i know i sound so annoying complaining#every day that i wish i were dead like 😕 i feel bad for the ppl around me who have to deal with me...#idk 😞 im just so tired ah...#anyway 😞💗 thanku for being so sweet i really appreciated your kind words...#i am sending you a (chan voice) big hug ☹️🖤#wish i could do more to make you smile but 🫂 hopefully you know you're also not alone... at least you know the loser known as chrisbangs li#is also kinda down in the dumps and supporting you 😿🫶#anon#answered
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literally got the most mad I've been in a bit
idk why the character creator decided "let's give them daddy issues on MAX LEVEL" when I was being made
#the butts chronicles#idk. felt right tho#like I hate feeling lost. this felt. idk. correct ig cause#shit that happened lol#anywaysss#today just also sucked major ass anyway#bathroom ceiling finally busted open and I spent the day having to deal with that#it hopefully is over for now#still something left to do tomorrow but tbh idgaf Im major tired and gotta spend tomorrow in misery anywy so ✌️#ah well. necesito leche tbh
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My brain won't turn off, my thigh keeps being dodgy, it's too warm, and it's period time, I'm not loving life right now
#i just want sleep#but nope#not allowed#at least the pains arent so bad yet#and the period should fix my thigh hopefully#cant help the warmth though#and my tummy kinda hurts but its not too bad right now all things considered#tw periods#i do not think im going outside with friends today :(#should probably message danny back tbh its been over a week#i really post on here the way my mum used to post on facebook which i dont think is its intended use but ah well
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okay so the tags on that last post got me feeling those melon collies so i'm just gonna. tagdump in here. slightly sensitive topics? so uh. scroll down (or press J to jump to next post). or read my thoughts like the morning paper. sorry. cheers.
#edit: oh cool the mature content warning doesn't actually hide the tags? that's fucked.#i'll drag these to the top hopefully it'll push some lines back#one last space-filler tag for the road - weird brain thoughts afterwards#i dunno i'm just. i do not have a sense of self. i do not have a sense of identity.#essentially anything i can ascribe to myself is worn in the same vein that it fits close enough.#like clothes picked out after hours of unsuccessful shopping and im just tired and want to go home#am i a writer? sure. i write decently. i have a decent grasp of sentence structure. puts me leagues above plenty of other writing i see.#but then when i actually decide that i should write something i'm just filled with dread.#i can't respond to rp's i enjoy with partners i enjoy. i can't write fics about prompts and premises that i like.#am i a gamer? sure. i got multiple consoles; multiple game sources for each console; a backlog of games ive had to catalog.#but when i try to pick one out to play i just. don't want to. nothing appeals. nothing looks fun. i ask for suggestions and i take none.#anything singleplayer i have to stream or it's not fun. anything multiplayer i have to coordinate with others until we get bored.#what do i *do?* what do i *enjoy?*#i can keep myself occupied if needed but at the end of the day im not fulfilled#am i a programmer? that's the closest thing to enjoyment i've gotten in a long time#but do i actually enjoy the act of programming or do i enjoy the result#where at the end of the day i can show off what i made and get lauded with praise#i get a similar sense of satisfaction when im doing tech support and pull something out my ass and everybody goes ��whoa how'd you do that”#the analogy that i've used a lot is how in some games at the start it's fine and fun#you're getting progression you're making progress you're learning and earning#but eventually it just. stops. there's more - not just in theory; it's right there! you can see it! - but it's just. so far away.#you can get there EVENTUALLY but it's just a grind. just a slogfest. there's more to unlock. more to explore. just sign in today. tomorrow.#keep coming back. you'll get there. eventually. it'll take forever.#now if this was an ACTUAL video game people would recommend that you stop and step away. does it spark joy? no? stop playing.#but ah. i can't quite stop playing this one.#and don't worry! i don't plan on putting down the controller! even though i mope and grump and weirdtalk my way down this hill#there is ZERO chance of me doing that.#but i ah. don't have a desire to keep playing.#it's a weird middle state to be in. don't wanna put down the controller. don't want to keep playing. i am just sitting here.#ive been attributing my more frequent thoughts on the matter to the whole roommate situation
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Ok but for real us being soft over the Vessels’ tummies has helped me so much today
Like my pants were falling off my hips all day again. The same pair of capris that I was wearing last week and made the note: “Pulling a Vessel with the way my (loose ass) pants (with stuff in pockets) are coming down my hips”. And uh. Same today again. And so I didn’t tie them tight enough (partially bc I like not having to untie them to take them off). And so they were under my belly button and sliding down all day. Which is fine. But especially when I was doing stuff they slid further down and underneath my belly. Held up only by a hip. And if my shirt lifted up then like. It was all exposed. Soft round belly. Love handles. That crease by your hip (and above it too) (far rounder than all the vessels combined but that’s ok I’m fat and it’s okay.)
And I’m. Okay with it. (Today). I’m soft and squishy and round and it’s okay. And you know what? It’s even cute. Cute and soft and squishy and OKAY!
#body image#tummies#I think I was sappier about it before I had to try to remember and retype it but anyway. I’m actually just. feeling okay about my body rn.#which I’m really happy about?!?#like even through the pain it does so much?!#I was able to walk around and see what shops were around in an unfamiliar shopping centre#I was able to drive with minimal pain (though I do have the seat warmer on for my back)#I got to enjoy some lake time though I didn’t venture through the mud so I didn’t have to clean my work shoes which are bad enough rn#I was able to bring up my bags and groceries in one trip#I was able to scale the salmon. zest and cut and juice a bag of lemons. cut up a bunch of veggies for soup and make all of that#I got a shower (hot for comfort of course) and did a small load of laundry that I’ll have to toss into the dryer later#and I haven’t fallen down. I haven’t given up. and I’m. doing alright?!?#honestly shocked. I’ll crash tonight but that’s okay.#and I can squat down to do things that are easier closer to the ground#(ok sometimes the knee kinda clicks? out and feels like I have to rip it back into place but we’re ignoring that bc it’s been a little whil#(though usually that just means I’m due for it to happen again and not be able to bend it for a while again… ah well#hopefully I’ve strengthened it enough again that I’ll be fairly ok at least for a while…#rambling rambling eh whatever#like yeah I’m fat and there are a few reasons it would be nice to be smaller but it’s not worth the Bad Things I fall into to get smaller#and right now I’m just? so okay with it??? and I just need to keep this moment in posterity bc I can’t remember the last time I was this ok#and even POSITIVE about my body?#(I mean yeah my boudoir shoot was pretty awesome but that was years ago now and also she edited stuff as well)#(and tbh i want to do another boudoir shoot at some point. but im doing at least a few tattoos first i think. make my body Home more so 1st#just kinda. relishing in this peace and …happiness?#this is good 😌#it feels nice to feel nice about myself and my body :)#shatters’ fragments
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I fell up a step stool at work, trying to get workers comp is a thing and a half don't do it lol
ᵛᵛᵛ ᵐ���ʳᵉ ᶦⁿᶠᵒ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ˢᵗʳᵘᵍᵍˡᵉˢ ᵗᵐ ᵒᶠ ʷᵒʳᵏᵉʳˢ ᶜᵒᵐᵖ ᵛᵛᵛ
luckily it's just a bad strain, but im also kinda sad I didn't break my shit for milestones sake lol. It happened at 12:40am and I worked till 5:40am when my manager came in as well lul.
I figured it wasn't broken cuz I could wiggle my toes and could stand on it without being in immense pain, but when I got home my Mom saw and she's a nurse and she said there's a possibility something could be broken bc it swelled immediately - im uncertain if i heard a pop or crunch bc I had headphones in :).
But getting workers comp - I was told to go home, mother told me I need to get it seen/an xray, called back told I should've filled out an incident report, didn't get to do that till the next day, where there the managers just handed me a list of doctors that work with my work. I start calling places, one place it took 3 calls to figure out they don't take workers comp any more, another said they couldn't see me for two weeks, and then another place had to be the one to tell me 'oh - [your work] is supposed to set up the appointment for you' - *why* give me a list of doctors if they're going to choose anyway - more back and forth calls with my manager and like the head of the store - finally HR guy gets in contact with me - apparently your initial visit is covered regardless of where it's at - great perfect there's an urgent care right down the road from me, start heading there, HR guy calls and says the *urgent care* is also by appointment only, so I head to one that's 30 mins away -MIND YOU- im driving myself around, uncertain if my shits broken or not lol. But after that it was fairly smooth sailing, the walk-in clinic was very nice and the HR guy is very sweet and helpful - letsfuckinggo Greg.
The doctor was also concerned about it being broken which makes me feel better, and not just like My Mom being A Mom tm and concerned. The doctor/we were concerned about the high tiny bones. But yeah just a bad strain. It happened on 'Tuesday' (i work nightshift so tues 11 to wed 7am) and my schedule worked so that I was off wed and thurs,, that was my two days off 🙃🙃🙃.
My Manager (whos a Good guy) has "threatened" that he's got sit down work for me and evil laughing lol. There's been talk of physical therapy but idk. But that's whats happening with me lul
#ghost rambling#it's just a bad strain but goddamn#the Stress tm of trying to figure this stuff out is a lot#no one cares but my blog is for me and a summary of shite that happens in my life lul#ive never broken nor strained anything so this was definitely an experience#and now i know how to get workers comp which hopefully never happens again Or I can help someone who also needs it lol#ive got a brace and yeah physically im doing fine - mentally this was a lot for someone who fucking dreads making phone calls and appts.#honestly tho the calling and back and forth hasnt been as anxiety inducing as usual - i think the Cocern for Injury has outweighed#the everything else. This has been a speed run tho of the idea that 'adults dont know everything'#like the phenomenon of being grown is just going from place A and saying 'i need to do this/dumb question' and the ease of the Experienced#Worker/Helper taking in stride with no judgement of being like 'ah yes you do x/y/z' go to place/person B#ppl are helpful and really are just trying to do there job like regardless - that doesnt fully make sense - but like you dont have to know#how to do everything - folks will help and point you in the right direction
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Congrats on sending that application!
THANK UUUUUU
#it was to a dominos and my partner is a gm in training at a different branch and i have over a year delivery driving experience#already and know Exactly How Low Their Standards Are so im not worried about getting it‚ mostly just that my brain will still be too mushy#to handle a job again#but i mean since it is just dominos and im only aiming for part time it hopefully shouldn't be too bad#and i do not care if they don't like me bc my resumes already pretty good as is i don't need a glowing review from dominos#esp bc i could just put my bf down as a dominos reference and theyd probably just Assume i worked for him and call him#instead of the store i actually worked at KWNDLABFKSBFJD#which is v good bc having seen a lot of what goes on behind the scenes on the manager side via my bf. i already know i am#going to cause problems LMAO#i have the Transgender Working In Very Liberal Area Right Next To Very Conservative Area Protection Aura#wherein the bosses here are So Very Scared of getting in trouble for bigotry and want to look sososososo woke. that i can get away#with being way more blunt abt when shit sucks lol#bosses don't really know what to do when The One Openly Transgender One directly calls out unfair expectations to their face#and to be clear i do mean liberal as in Liberal we're still very much in the North Idaho Splash Zone so like#open bigotry doesnt happen and the public will be on your side if it does. but boy do they know actually nothing about it#you know the type i mean kwbfksbfkd#like the best example i can think of is a couple ppl at my last job still she/her'd me long after i started passing as male#and me Being A Transgender™ had made the news rounds#and my other coworkers wouldnt correct them and would just he/him and they/them me back#which im fine w bc thats how my pronouns work is just. idk whatever you think‚ if you wanna she me you can just look dumb LMAO#but crucially 99% of my coworkers Didnt know thats how that worked‚ they just knew im A Transgender and look like a man#and that everyone else didn't use she/her for me anymore��� so like an actually left place would rightly assume#they were doing it deliberately to be shitty and correct them‚ whereas here theyre just like. ah im sure they just havent noticed#since you went by she/her when you started here#and its like no i dont think the beard i grew halfway through working there went unnoticed actually#given that Thats When The Universal He Himming Started#im rambling again sorry for this word avalanche irt a simple congrats i got distracted JEBFKABFKSBFKDBFMD#anyways. tyvm it was stressful and i still dont want to do it but its out of my hands now so i have to follow through and at least give it#a try and i appreciate the encouragement‚ it rlly did make me feel a lot better just seeing the ask#gibberasks
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i swear, one of my biggest writing weaknesses is accidentally switching back and forth between past and present tense. like why can’t i just pick one and stick to it!?
#proof reading something right now that starts out one way then suddenly switches to another and im just like#why do i do this 🙃#and sometimes I genuinely can’t choose which I think sounds better#but ah whatever I try my best#hopefully it isn’t too annoying if people notice it#kodi rambles
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i wish i could just go to sleep for the night now but it’s only 6:30 and i won’t be able to stay asleep that long.
#i just really don't want to be awake and do life right now#now i just have to pass the time until it's late enough to go to sleep#i know this is a common depression thing but this is actually kind of improvement for me#because sometimes when i'm really depressed i don't want to go to sleep because that means that i'll have to wake up#ugh i don't want to wake up#ah damn the suicidal thoughts are back#i don't want to exist#why do i feel so bad today#im going to be in php probably awhile longer even though ive been there the longest now out of everyone else in php#other people who got there after me are going down to iop but it doesn't sound like i will be soon#my doctor is still making medication changes so that might also play a role in keeping me in php#they probably also want my suicidal thoughts and depression to be better#it's not like i feel ready for iop anyway. what would i do with my extra free time?#i don't think im ready to not have therapy like everyday#idk how much longer insurance will be willing to keep me in php#i have been hospitalized twice in the last 1.5 months and they probably don't want me back so hopefully they will listen to my doctor#ughhhhh
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