#against my will. for uni work
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Good morning!! rise and grind!!! It's 6 am time to hustle
#posts i would make to signal i am being kidnapped#but it is 6 am and o am grinding#against my will. for uni work#girl i am going to deliver a project that is so incomplete.... and for the most important subject.... the last project of the year...#and its shit.... like idk what happened but in the last month everything went downhill with this class... and exams started coming#and the other classes are more than okay but this one.... fucked up.... and not even on purpose like i have been working non stop#but it not enough#talking tag#uni#exam szn#exams szn#anyways i am up bc i havent slept#and its been like two weeks where i have been falling asleep while eating breakfast. someone end me now#the good part is that i present this in 4 hours and i can go to sleep finally and just fix it up for next month.....#i do not care anymore#rant
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Had a 25 hour sleepover with my friends, came home and my dad talked to me about politics for 4 hours (can't leave or he guilts me into believing I don't care about his opinion) and then when I tried to tell him I was proud of myself for trying to fix my sleep schedule by aiming for 1am he called me a pathetic failure and refused to see how this made me feel awful and now I'm in bed with my cat how's everyone else's day gone?
#Vent#I'm going to blow something up with my mind#I need to time skip like 4 years so I can be in uni or something and I don't need to deal with this crap#Maybe 1am isn't idea for sleep but I was going to bed at 2#3 am before and if I'd set it for something earlier like 10 that I knew I wouldn't be able to reach#I would just get demotivated and stop#So yeah it's baby steps but at least it's steps#For a man who complain so much about how I'm so lazy and tired all the time#He seems to be actively against me working on it#Vent tw#Gore vents#Gore needs a hug 😞#Gore's cat is racing around the room like she has an Olympics to win
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Finished the batch of animations I downloaded last time, might do some with Ghost next because I already have his model...
#call of duty modern warfare 2#cod mw2#cod soap#john soap mactavish#cod fanart#cod gif#fun fact i made the last gif during a power outage we had today in the city#and i was racing against my laptop's decreasing battery the whole time#the moment i finish rendering BOOM#power back#the power of dancing restored my electricity!#anyways these are like. really fun for me to do for some reason#its like. extremely monotonous bc i have to fix textures for an hour for each gif#but it gives me time to wind down after a full day of doing uni work#and the end result is funny#also yeah his hands are completely broken the auto rigger really hated them...
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do i really want this relationship to continue tho if i genuinely feel worse after every interaction with her and she is in 89% responsible for my already precarious self esteem crashing and plummeting most severely in the span of just three years?
#aside from everything else she literally ruined my face for me lol#never before uni did i think that i was genuinely ugly. like i never thought i was beautiful or anything#but i was like yeah ok this is fine i can work with that my face is cool#i didnt even notice my nose or the colour and shape of my eyes and i actually liked my lips lol well not anymore 🤡#[girl who is your friend voice] yeah my eyes are blue yours are more the colour of idk a swamp or sth.#yeah you do kinda have a big potato nose. and yeah no my lips are bigger actually see#i have this like aristocratic type of features im good for playing countesses and stuff... you're more of a soubrette kind of face tho#idk people often tell me i look like young meryl str/eep (she does tho) haha omg you know who you look like?? d/olora z/ajick! <3 literally!#omg sorry im not trying to be mean look she's not that ugly!#:)#and like the worst part is she's right! she's right. completely.#the only thing i KNOW im better at is like. Being on stage. yes she's prettier yes she's sexier but i know i have a better stage presence#this is the only thing in my life im confident in. i KNOW what to do on stage. i CAN act. im not the best but im genuinely Good.#and like. so what lol it's literally worthless when juxtaposed against alllllll the other things she's winning at#'im worthless and no one wants to fuck me' is what im getting from this relationship. but sometimes it's funny ig
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Man, knowing that I'm less than two weeks from my last final is really shaking me because I have so many things I said I'd do after I graduate and they're very close now!!!
One of them is going to be leaving all the discord servers I don't talk in and also pruning following / friends lists like hell and back. This will allow me to finally come off invisible on discord, and it'll be nice to have discord statuses available to me again ;~;
#sg.txt#for context I do not currently feel safe coming off invisible on discord#because there's this one guy in the one uni club i was in for a while#who has some fucking grudge against me for NO REASON#and since i would like to not be accused of seriously abusing them again#(they have me mistaken for SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY)#i have not spoken in that server or come off invisible in months#graduating means i can leave all those servers and then the fucker can't track me down anymore#it's also why i started looking for and then changed my url#and i'll also be updating my website domain as well!#then the only thing i have left to change is my email which i can't atm#because i need gdocs still#but ugh it'll be nice. that club was a great idea until they refused to kick that person out after they levied false accusations against me#i hate not standing my ground but it was so not fucking worth it#getting rid of all that shit will be nice#like bye university friends it was fun for a bit but i'm movin on now#(boston's foreplay long time starts blasting)#actually yeah lmao my graduation playlist consists of#boston's foreplay / long time; alice cooper's school's out; piko's the glorious unseen; and megurine luka's no logic#don't need any other songs just those four#wild#in other news i got wacup working
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yea we are never making progress ever the more people I talk to about unions and striking the more I keep hearing the same excuse of "they're selfish, they should just find another job if it's not paying them well/the conditions are bad" because last night my cousin called the people that work for national rail and other train services doing a walk off/striking are selfish for doing so and when I tried to explain to her that no act of striking the workplace is selfish when this is done to change the workplace for EVERYBODY not just those striking she started saying I'm doing too much over a "fake scenario" because she said would never strike when I wasn't even addressing that I felt like I was in a twitter arguement but in real life because at this point it's willful ignorance if you try to flip over the tables and say what I'm fighting for isn't even real when you just said people that strike are selfish....
#shes one of those ppl that nobody can ever tell them they're wrong so when the one time everybody else was like#you're wrong striking isnt a personal thing ppl do it so they can eat and not be at risk of losing their homes due greedy ceos#she got mad as fuck at me and shes now holding a grudge against me like 😭 you can stay ignorant if you want#but just know the rights you have now at your job were there because people unionised. those '#'selfish' people are the reason why you are able to even have breaks at work#this happened when a film and tv union came to my uni and somebody said it felt like a cult.... fighting for better#environments in the film industry is cultish? we are DOOMED.
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It's been weeks but I'm still always thinking about the AI writing dude that got caught lying about how he trained it because his AI was using omegaverse terminology and the only place it's used heavily enough for it to have an impact was ao3 because not only omegaverse exposed him, if you add a character named Steve, the AI will automatically create one named Bucky and that's the funniest AI thing I've ever read and I took 3 courses in uni about AI.
#i am against ai with art#but the comp sci in me finds this shit fascinating#omegaverse fucked a tech dude over#like? ks0akaoakapaka#it's amazing#but its a good thing im not in uni anymore because i would be fighting for my life in the ai discussion#because my professors are big on machine learning#and i have works on ao3#this shit is personal for me and that would be a mess osoakapakapakaoak#but the steve bucky things is truly amazing lol#thoughts thoughts thoughts
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me vs letting a piece of writing be ‘good enough’ but not perfect
ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ grrrrrrrrrr
#i’m going to tear my haiiiir out#you know what it is????? aside from suffering from debilitating ocpd ofc#it’s because it’s dabi#it’s because it’s dabi’s birthday gift#and i just want it to be the very best most perfect it can be#also it’s at 9.7k now sigh#anyway every time i’m tryna rush against the clock to get something out before 11:59pm i always feel like im back in uni LMAOOOO#but anyway!!!!! sorry everyone;; sorry dabi;;;; it’s just Too Big (hahahaHAHAHAHAHA)#no but in all seriousness i’ve been editing since i got home from the doctors and im only on page 7 oUT OF 25 sooooooooo#it’ll be a day late <3#this has been clari with the updates#my therapist says i have to talk nicer to myself but goddamn it’s so hard when i’m just like !!!!!!!! LEAVE IT!!!!!! it’s fine!!!!!!!#and ocpd goes iTS NOT IT MUST BE PERFECT EVERY LINE MUST BE PERFECT NOW OBSESSIVELY GO OVER IT >:(#i’m working on resisting that voice no matter how much anxiety and terror it causes me#aaaaah
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Also everyone is betting against me retaining my accent and instead coming back sounding more America post camp
#summer camp tag#Hybrid accent#the first two groups that said id come back with an america accent i brushed off#but then it just kept adding up and now it seems theres no faith#my uni classmates said it my work friend said it my old flatmate said it my school friend said it my college friends said it#even my family is betting against me! unsurprising from my mum she thinks i pick up the regional accent of every place i live 😡#but my aunt and cousins said it too#side note. i did learn my dad doesnt think i even have an accent to begin with let alone the weird one people always comment on#i cannot let my accent win but i never notice that i start to assimilate it so theres minimal hope honestly#esp as bristolians already think i sound american but i dont agree
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who the fuck makes 5pm a deadline.
#uni#MY UNIT IS WORKING AGAINST ME#i thought i had til 8pm for this assignment#turns out i only have til five o’ FUCKING clock#and if i quit my degree right now. what then#what then#studying#more like studying who the fuck thought 5pm was a good deadline
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a quick comparison of a comparison I'd done last month (19-Apr-24) while getting back into the knack of drawing my guy
#my art#my ocs#personal#cos here comes the tag ramblings#people following me not knowing that this OC showing up in my art was created for an original verse back in 2014#an ancient artefact of my highschool self who's grown with me#he doesn't get to be a savant on medical sciences without some kind of draw back now#if I don't get to know everything there is to know about all aspects of medicine he doesn't either#suffer the need to refer back to books and reference guides to make sure you're correct#having him back as a muse got part of me itching to go back to uni AGAIN only this time for medsci... but my GPA is too shit#max gpa in nz (all A+) is a 9.0 and to go into med as a grad you need min 6.0#and my cumulative after 2 degrees is... 4.9 >:|#I think my sheer determination to slam my head against the wall for 7 straight years while refusing to get medicated for anything should-#-merit special justification for entrance but that's just me haha#A better path for me would probably be gaining qualification in medical laboratory science - as despite being a lab tech-#-I am not positioned for the analysis n interpretation of samples for diagnosis but I'd like to#mostly I just isolate PBMCs and stand in the blast zone of 7 centrifuges almost as old as me#I find a lot of purpose in my grunt work... but it'd be nice to have a more direct understanding#but I know myself and I know I can't study and work at the same time- but hey... I could surprise myself#oc: JS Antyllus
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i'm scared of graduating and leaving my comfortable known environment but i have to remind myself that i left my known environment to study here in the first place and like myself better now amen
#nevertheless The Fear.#actually.. there is like elements to the fear i cant talk myself out of with reason because#when i came here to study i knew it would be an art environment but to do a masters degree at the university is just#so different if i stay here#i think if i do it in a different city the city itself is already so much an arts environment that i dont think it'd be as hard to integrat#(but then of course i would leave my whole integrated friend group behind and THATS rough)#but i KNOW uni students from my city. some of them study in our building. and they are NOT cool or chill or like normal#theyre so fucking judgemental it is wild girl your building is an art building leave off#< anyway thats architecture tho so who knows#but no still its just... scary. because now im so used to actually having so many social connections that it'll be hard to become a no one#in a crowd again#but then on a third hand if i DONT do this masters degree do i just work? where? im not doing a masters at my current school#(at least not yet) that's for damn sure#it's so stupid i still have 7 weeks of school left but it's keeping me up at night#change is good for the soul take it easy but take it <- litany against whatever this is
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I just got over Covid a couple of weeks ago and now I’m sick again. Ugh.
#working in a giant Petri dish (uni campus) probably doesn’t help#fever seems to have gone down#but if i lie down i can’t breathe and sitting up i can’t sleep#despite really wanting to because the gravol is kicking in#exactly how i wanted to spend my long weekend thanks#at least i decided against going home so i didn’t carry whatever this is to my immune-compromised mother#i’m whining#ignore me#life
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and today in "why is fandom so antisemitic" just blocked two more followers in my sideblog, which makes it about 10 of what would have been almost 35 followers over a couple months. because the "all israelis are evil" bs is really big in mcyt circles.
also haven't watched the new season of hc because I don't want to touch the fandom anymore and enjoying things alone isn't as fun when you know there's a fandom. but also the fandom is full of people that wish I was dead so I dont want to be there either. which means right now the only things in my life are the jewish bloggers I follow (love yall) and doing daily challenges in microsoft solitaire. and university ig but it's the weekend and Im trying not to think about my homework rn
also gave up and made a "btw Im israeli plz stop following me if u want me dead" post on the sideblog. hope it works ig.
#its also wild bc I do fandom art on that blog and people love it#even my dad thought it was awesome enough to commission me for his own work stuff once! thats awesome#I got paid for the art I did for him with a merch hoodie from the fandom#and I love it and I love the art I did and I love the original content its based on.#but I cant even watch the new season without thinking about how I want to liveblog but cant because liveblogging attracts attention#and fandom attention scares me now. half a year ago I worked nonstop to get any amount of positive attention in the fandom#I stopped family dinners to watch new episodes and liveblog half an hour after the sessions were out to get people to see my posts#and now. I want none of that#a month or so ago I joined the community discord. the people were so nice to me#and then I went to the vent channel. bc someone mentioned there's i/p stuff in there. its all anti-israel#to the point I felt uncomfortable staying there despite never saying a word about where I'm from beforehand. almost felt unsafe to be there#just... that fandom prides itself on trying so hard to be wholesome and safe after the dsmp fandom ended up so toxic#and here they are wishing I was never born#because I never would have been born if not for this country. my grandparents on my dads side met in the resistance against the british#my parents met at uni. they never wouldve met if not for this country#I wouldnt be alive if not for this country and while I dont like the government I love this country so much#Im just so sad#ישראבלר
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What I would give for public transportation
#the freedom to go places without having to ask for a ride everywhere#my main issue with going to a smaller uni#is there's zero public transportation#and even back at home#i have to ask to go literally anywhere it's frustrating#and it's always the thing they use against me when I'm mad at them#like oh we drive you to work quit complaining#grrh
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How being sick messes with your mental health is sometimes worse than the illness itself honestly 😕
#i mean it depends on what kind of illness you have if it's serious or just a bad cold#but i just had a very bad cold and it sucked so much#the symptoms were not nice but i could handle it#but i had to stop sports for a whole week and that was hard#i also didn't get anything done for uni really#sports just help me sm to be in a good place#and then you don't get things done you need to do for uni/work bc you can't concentrate well#and that makes you stress even more and beat yourself up because of deadlines#i just missed my routine and structure so much because normally i have some things i do almost everyday#and it keeps you motivated / disciplined#and just being outside getting some sunlight or also meeting people#without that i just got into such rut and i felt so disapointed in myself because i couldn't finish anything#like maybe i should have tried harder#and you miss your life because these days just suck#oh and i had to play tennis half ill 🙃#because we had no players left bc of injuries no time or being ill even more#i did not even play that badly against a strong opponent and got a few points#but did not feel 100% and i wonder if i was fit maybe i could have won that set in which i got those points :((#and then who knows i might have even had the chance to win the match#maybe not because my opponent was great but also i wasn't even that far off in that one set#well it's pointless#rant#and now i'll have a very stressful week of catching up ahead 😔
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