#again with the screenshot from forever ago lol

[jamrroll]

I’m taking this as depressed Kaveh is officially not a headcanon anymore.

[wiishopwednesday]

longing for something you can never return to

[ID: a collection of images relating to nostalgia. the first image is a genius screenshot of the lyrics to car seat headrest's "famous prophets (stars)." the screenshot reads "We gotta go back/We gotta go back/We gotta go back/We gotta go back." the second image is the "we got the torture labyrinth tomorrow" meme template, edited to instead say "We got missing what we can never return to tomorrow/What?/We got the beginning of the rest of our lives tomorrow/Ohhhh/Okay." the third image is a discord screenshot, with the user's username and icon cropped out so that only the text is visible, and reads "Duuudeee you missed out on those 7 days where god created earth you are fucked LOL." the fourth image is a screenshot of a piece of text, which reads in bolder font "You can never leave home." underneath it, in normal text, it reads "You take it with you no matter where you go. Home is between your teeth, under your fingernails, in the hair follicles, in your smile, in the ride of your hips, in the passage of your breasts." the fifth image is a screenshot of a post made by tumblr user ryebreadgf, which reads "YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK! YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK! YOU CAN BITE AND SCRATCH AND BEG BUT YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!" the sixth image is a screenshot of a piece of text that reads, "YOU KILL YOURSELF AND IMMEDIATELY WAKE UP AS A CHILD ON YOUR PARENTS BED. YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR HALF AN HOUR. THE SUN IS SHINING." the seventh image is a picture of two uneven dark yellow boxed next to each other on a off-white background. the first box reads, in handwriting, "I'm terrified of change." the second box reads, "I'm terrified of staying this way forever." the eighth image is a screenshot of a post made by tumblr user dakotajohnsongf, which reads "women be looking at pictures of their childhood selves and trying to find a way back to them." the ninth image is a screenshot of a post made by tumblr user bestofgentleearth, containing a screenshot from a forum of some kind. a line of text reads "(16 hours ago) butterfly said:" underneath, an indented section of text reads "today, the world looked beautiful again. i'm starting to remember what kept me alive last summer." the tenth image is another tumblr post by user cursedsuggestion, which reads "the friend you miss comes home for good. you never see another mirror. it's summer forever and that terrible thought you keep having finally disappears." the eleventh image is a screenshot of a reddit post, with the original poster's username and icon cropped out so only the text is visible. it reads "I'm not sure how to word this, but I constantly go through this deep sense of loss. I feel like I terribly miss something I love from the bottom of my heart, but I don't know what it is, exactly. Nothing in life satisfies me, nothing makes me content, but l wouldn't say I'm depressed either. There's just this endless search for something, and at times I feel I can catch a glimpse of it - different sceneries pop into my head at times, like of a particular beach at night, and I'm moved to tears. Or I remember a dream and all the feelings that were stirring while I saw that dream, and feel entirely connected to them." the twelfth image is a screenshot of a tumblr post, but the original poster is cropped out so only the text is visible, which reads "wait i wasn't ready. i never finished that game of tag. i still need to learn how to do a cartwheel. my friends and i never finished making that bridge over the creek. i want to go back. can you carry me to bed one last time? and maybe i'll wake up tomorrow in my childhood room with my pink walls and we'll laugh over this dream at breakfast." the thirteenth image is another tumblr screenshot of a post by user heavensghost, which reads "uhhh yh sure u can go back but no one will be waiting for you there."

the fourteenth image is a screenshot of a reddit comment, with the user's information cropped out so that only the text is visible, which reads "HIRAETH (heer-eye-th) 'A deep homesickness; an intense form of longing or nostalgia for a place long gone, or even an unaccountable homesickness for a place you have never visited. A pull on the heart that conveys a distinct feeling of missing something irretrievably lost.'" the fifteenth image is a collection of 3 rows of black boxes, with 3 boxes in each row. the first box has a white, vague form of a human. the second box pictures the human form stretching its arms and legs out. from the third box onward, the human figure starts to dissipate into white dots until it has completely disappeared and only dots remain. the sixteenth image is a tumblr post by user n1ntendos, which reads "I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST I CANNOT GO BACK TO !!!!!!! anyways." the seventeenth image is a screenshot of text that reads "I cling to everything - CDs that skip, rings that turn my fingers green, the dead ends of my hair, old love notes that turn my stomach over and over. And I'm not proud but there are still boxes under my bed. And I'm not proud but my closet is still running out of space. And nostalgia is a fucking waste of time but my heart is full with it. Tell me I won't hold this forever. Tell me there will be a day where I let gloriously go." the eighteenth image is an image of larger text that reads "It's a summer day, and I want to be wanted more than anything else in the world." the nineteenth image is a photograph of a large white dog standing in a dark, flowing river surrounded by a dark forest and green trees. the dog is facing away from the viewer with its mouth open. the dog appears to be glowing, likely due to a lens flare of some kind. the entire picture feels very melancholy and nostalgic. the twentieth image is larger text that reads "Nostalgia is the aching realization that you can't go back again. The longing, no matter how intense, can never be met." the twenty-first image is a screenshot of an instagram dm, with the user's username and icon cropped out so that only the text is visible, and it reads "well the time passes anyway so I have to." the twenty-second image is a screenshot of the spotify lyrics for gerard way's song "action cat." the lyrics read "Hey/Do you miss me?/'Cause I miss you/Do you miss me?/'Cause I miss you/Do you miss me?/'Cause I miss you/Do you miss me?/'Cause I miss you too." the twenty-third image is a screenshot of text that reads "YOUR CHILDHOOD DOG IS ALIVE. YOUR DEAD BEST FRIEND WANTS TO GET COFFEE. YOU HAVE BEEN KIND AND GOOD. THERE IS NOTHING CHASING YOU. YOU CAN SLEEP. WHAT DO YOU DO?" the twenty-fourth image is a continuation of the lyrics from car seat headrest's "famous prophets (stars)" that were pictured in the first image. these lyrics read "We've gotta go back/We've gotta go back/We've gotta go back/(Don't spend too much time on it)." end ID.]

[queer-is-future]

So, Daniel’s laptop background. The picture has been identified via this Reddit thread as being the St. Paul, MN old loading docs below Kellogg Street:

A lot of us have been commenting that this looked Romanesque. It did to me too. And my brain couldn’t let it go. I’ve been thinking obsessively about the Devil’s Minion story, (as one does? lol), and I remembered that the first blood exchange between Daniel and Armand was in the dining room of the Villa of the Mysteries in Pompeii, and when Daniel first sees Armand, he’s standing at the entrance of the house.

“As soon as he’d reached the ancient house, a stillness had descended. No guards here. No one living. Only the sudden silent appearance of Armand before the entrance. Armand again.” (QotD)

The modern entrance, according to research, is the South Colonnades, pictured here.

(pic source and floor plan)

“Armand’s lips had moved in a soft, slightly concealed smile. And then his eyes had misted and closed. He had bent close to Daniel, pressed his lips to Daniel’s neck.

And once again, as he had in a little room on Divisadero Street in San Francisco with the vampire Louis, Daniel felt the sharp teeth pierce the surface of his skin. Sudden pain and throbbing warmth. ‘Are you killing me finally?’ He grew drowsy, on fire, filled with love. ‘Do it, yes.’

But Armand had taken only a few droplets. He’d released Daniel and pressed gently on his shoulders, forcing Daniel down to his knees. Daniel had looked up to see the blood flowing from Armand’s wrist. Great electric shocks had passed through Daniel at the taste of that blood. It had seemed in a flash that the city of Pompeii was full of a whispering, a crying, some vague and pulsing imprint of long-ago suffering and death. Thousands perishing in smoke and ash. Thousands dying together. Together. Daniel had clung to Armand. But the blood was gone. Only a taste—no more.

‘You are mine, beautiful boy,’ Armand had said.

The following morning when he awoke in bed at the Excelsior in Rome, Daniel knew that he would not run away from Armand ever again.’” (QotD)

I mean. He’s doing a puzzle in the beginning episode of a Brueghel painting that’s on the walls of Armand’s Satanic coven in Paris. He’s having dreams, through Armand’s perspective, of his first meeting with them in the club. His laptop has a screenshot of an abandoned loading dock in St. Paul that resembles(?) the architecture of the South Colonnades at the Villa of the Mysteries where Daniel’s life officially changes forever. He’s dying, and in TDM, this is when Armand calls Daniel back to him for the final time. IMO, this is all Devil’s Minion related.

I’m NOT saying I’m right. Or that this isn’t up for debate. Or that they’re even connected.

I’m just saying it’s worth consideration.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Jouno's "Death" and Characterization

Actually I'm adding onto my thoughts about Jouno's death scene because it really is brutal, even compared to the earlier "deaths" of the arc.

[ID: A screenshot from the Bungou Stray Dogs manga. A vampirized Akutagawa bites into Jouno's shoulder. Blood spatters on Jouno's face, scrunched up in pain. End ID.]

I binge-read the manga very quickly on my first read, and so I think there was a lot that I kind of overlooked, especially when it came to Jouno and his characterization. I found the guy interesting, but I wasn't as invested in his character as I was with some of the others.

But even then, his death shocked me with how... cruel it was. And going back and really paying close attention to his character, it hurts a lot more.

[ID: A set of three images from the Bungou Stray Dogs manga. In the first, a speech bubble says "You have what it takes to join the Decay of Angels." Jouno's face is carefully neutral and he says nothing for a panel. In the next, face still neutral, he says "What are you saying?" In the second, a panel of Jouno, bound and smiling in prisoner's garb, is overlayed by Fukuchi saying "Jouno, you were originally an executive in a criminal organization. Seeing the good prospects in your ability and that sense of hearing, I recruited you six years ago, for the sake of this day." Jouno lifts an eyebrow with a small frown on his face and exhales a small puff of air. In the third, Jouno, smiling, says "Yes. From the start, I've known no pleasure but that of tormenting others. Besides, you even said it, that you initially recruited me for the sake of this day." His smile looks a little tight. End ID.]

Looking at Jouno's face here... I'd honestly say he's a bit hurt by this turn of events. He has a very similar background to Dazai. This is the equivalent of Dazai being told that he was only hired by the Agency because they actually wanted him to take up the mantle of the Demon Prodigy again, but this time for their benefit. Because that's his true nature, right?

Jouno was only recruited... because he was never believed in. He was Fukuchi's little criminal pet project, one that didn't go as he intended at all - and Jouno dies for it, only shortly after he starts to get accustomed to the idea of himself as a good guy (even if he's still... morally ambiguous, to be diplomatic about it lol).

But yeah, let's take a second and look at Jouno's particular brand of cruelty - that sadistic streak where he wants to hear the suffering of others... and how easily this was overshadowed by one old woman's quiet gratitude. Fukuchi remembers the beginning of this scene... but he's left unaware of the aftermath of it and how Jouno changed (fitting, for the man forever caught up in the war; who still lives like he's on the battlefield). Jouno is largely self-preservative - it seems likely that, given his criminal background, you stayed alive by asserting your power over others, and Jouno does this by striking fear into others and deriving pleasure in that reaction - but it pales in comparison to appreciation, which Jouno states makes the sounds of fear like silence. The old lady is such a small thing really, but it apparently left a huge impact on him.

I think it's quite a decision made to characterize a guy who is hyper-sensitive to sensory input as being strongly affected by the kind of reactions he gets from others. Jouno compensates with fear and intimidation, but he actually wants to be appreciated. Whether Jouno genuinely cares about justice as an ideal is up for debate still, I believe, but we can be positive he likes being liked far more than he likes being feared. So, while Jouno thought he was appreciated for his pursuit of justice under Fukuchi, and had come to the realization that he prefers helping over harming - his role with the Hunting Dogs was always a cage. Jouno was likely essentially drafted - he joins or he is probably sentenced to capital punishment. Obviously, he takes the offer - as Jouno does not want to die (again, remember he's self-preservative!). Now he's stuck as a Hunting Dog due to the intense monthly surgeries to maintain their bodies, but he's made a pretty sweet life for himself - Jouno is powerful, respected, feared, and he basically gets to act however he wants so long as he is ostensibly pursuing justice (a corrupt cop, really)... only for him to realize he actually does want to help more than hurt, and to then have it be revealed that he was never expected to change for the better from the very beginning.

He was drafted due to this expectation Fukuchi had for him, and when he did not live up to this expectation... his exits are blocked, he's set on fire to stop him escaping, then stabbed from all directions, like one would trap and corner a threat that needs to be contained, or a wild animal. There's... some pretty significant dehumanization to that.

It gets worse though, because Fukuchi is right about Jouno being different from the other Hunting Dogs, but he's off the mark on what's different about him exactly. The difference is largely in that even though Jouno took precautions in case he couldn't make it out (having Aya follow him), he is not devoted (or solely devoted) to that ideal of justice that drives the rest of the Hunting Dogs, nor was he at all intending to sacrifice himself or accepting of that fate.

[ID: A panel from the Bungou Stay Dogs manga. Jouno wears a concerned expression, a sweat drop on his cheek. His hair flies up a little as he moves across a background of dark lines for dramatic emphasis. The sound effect is a shudder. End ID.]

"Be strong... there's nothing to worry about/Don't panic, it's all fine" <-The words of a man who is very much trying not to panic (also Yuki Kaji did a great job in this scene - chefs kiss. The voice acting in the anime is so so good). Jouno's mental narration grows increasingly more desperate in his attempts to escape, even as he outwardly continues that show of pride and bravado, concluding with his "wish" to hear Fukuchi's later suffering - which is what he does to avoid letting others see vulnerability in him.

All the other people who died to Fukuchi had some kind of acceptance around it - Akutagawa sacrificed himself to allow Atsushi to escape and was accepting of that; Tachihara had no intention of a sacrifice play but was prepared to die rather than be turned by Bram, and found his resolve through a mix of the Mafia's and Teruko's influence. Jouno was not ready to die at any point in this fight, nor was that ever his intent.

About Jouno's dynamic with Tecchou: I find it really interesting that the closing and opening lines of the chapter where Jouno slashes at Fukuchi and "betrays" him are things like "at heart there is one intent" and "if there is evil, cleave it" - while they're really just the external hooks for the audience, not any character's thoughts or anything, I do find it intriguing that this sounds a lot more like Tecchou's philosophy than anything we'd seen of Jouno up to this point. In this way, I think Tecchou (and Teruko as well!) has had far more of an influence on Jouno than even he cares to admit.

And I think it's really good that Tecchou appears to be there for Jouno - he's got conviction in his capacity for justice as strong as a samurai and the ability to call him out and believe in him like that of a best friend. While Jouno's death is brutal, it actually validates Tecchou's belief in him - but this is not something anyone else really seems to see in Jouno, perhaps even Jouno himself until that moment. It recontextualizes their interactions: Jouno is the challenger. Tecchou just seems to kind of humour him, really. He doesn't treat Jouno like a threat or an obstacle. He's completely unafraid of him, either simply not reacting to his goads and threats, or calling him out on his bs when he takes his cruelty too far. It's like Tecchou's socializing a feral cat sometimes hjfhdbjvh

But remember that Jouno's grandstanding and desire to instill fear is likely self-preservative. Jouno sees Tecchou unafraid of him and goes "why is it not working??? He must think he's stronger or better than me, or else, he's just really stupid. I need to prove myself stronger than him so he doesn't think he can gain the upper hand on me." And meanwhile, Tecchou is just like "ok buddy let's go get some lunch. I like spending time with Jouno even though he's apparently mad at me for something idk what." Because Tecchou's lack of fear isn't actually because he's cocky or an idiot, or because he doubts Jouno's skill or strength - far from it. He knows full well how dangerous Jouno is. He just thinks "Jouno wouldn't do that". And it's that simple to him. I honestly believe Jouno hasn't quite figured that part out yet, and that he's reading his dynamic with Tecchou entirely wrong on his end. It's the epitome of that rival dynamic where one takes it super seriously and the other is just like "cool man anyways wanna hang out". Anyways I really hope their reunion is given some attention, when it happens.

You might've noticed I said "when it happens" and also that I put death in quotes at the top there - I actually have a question for all of you since I just thought of this on my re-read. Jouno was stabbed multiple times but since he's a Hunting Dog with advanced healing and enhancements I sincerely doubt that actually killed him. Then he was bitten... but the vampires seem to turn really quickly, and we see Jouno's thoughts for a while afterwards. Jouno didn't actually die in that scene, as it's stated he's "near death", and he's captured and taken somewhere by Akutagawa. It's highly likely he was just turned into a vampire, as he was bitten (perhaps his enhancements make the vampire ability take longer to get a hold), but I'm kind of wondering now if he wasn't "taken with them" for some other purpose and Fukuchi has him captured or comatose or something. Well, whatever happens... I hope he comes back to the manga at some point soon (though probably at this arc's conclusion if I'm being honest).

[mysticmoondancer]

I realized something about Jesse's fangs in the season 2 finale. That they're not the same ones his actor had used in the movie and in the season 2 finale! See!

(Left Image: movie, Middle Image: season 1 finale, Right Image: season 2 finale)

It's kind of hard to tell in the season 2 screenshot (the one on the right), but his fangs aren't the upper teeth on either side of the two front middle teeth as seen in the other two screenshots. Instead, they're protruding from his canine teeth.

I don't remember who said this or where I saw it, but I remember somebody pointing out the fang (or vampire teeth) differences between our 3 favorite vampires (Sarah, Erica, and Rory) and the background/one-time appearance only vamps throughout the show. Then I think it was learned that the reason behind that was because they had specially fitted vampire teeth made for Sarah, Erica, and Rory's actors since their characters were technically reoccurring characters, and the actors would have to wearing the fangs/teeth a lot more than the one-time only/background vampire actors would. So, they just gave the one-time only/background vampy actors regular already made prosthetic fangs, instead, since that was the only time, they would get to wear fangs in the entire show.

Anyways, I'm rambling again. 😅

Well, I think they also had Jesse's actor get specially made fangs done for him, too. Like with Vanessa, Kate, and Cameron. Especially since he was the main bad guy in the movie and would be showing off those pearly white fangs of Jesse's quiet a lot throughout the movie. Now I have a theory about why his fangs were probably different between the two season finales.

Ok. So, for season 1, they probably still had his specially fitted/made fangs on hand somewhere in storage, and when they decided to bring back Jesse for the finale episode, they just used those ones.

But as for the season 2 finale, the fangs were probably misplaced or lost somewhere or whatever. And they either didn't have time to make new one's or there wasn't enough money in the budget to make them. So, they just went with the regular old already made ones that the one-time only/background vampire actors normally would use, instead. Fresh out of the package I'm assuming and not sterilized recycled ones that one of those background actors had used before, though. 😳 Lol! But that could explain why Jesse's fangs look so differently in the season 2 finale compared to what they looked like in the movie and season 1 finale.

*sighs in relief* MAN! I've been meaning to make this post FOREVER it seems! Lol! Well... more like ever since the day I discovered this, that is. Which like... a few weeks ago. 😅 But it's finally been said and is out there now! So, yippie!

I like to give a special thanks to the bestie @bettyweir for providing me with the screenshots of Jesse's fangs. You're the best and (in the words of your Debbie Dazzle meme) sparkle on! 😄😘

[cookieclimax]

Expressions with my OC is taking absolutely forever (probably should've done 1 at a time instead of going for 28 all together)

So while that's taking ages I've been thinking about doing more hazbin hotel x pony.mov bullshit?

I made a couple things with Cherri Bomb and Angel Dust a while ago, but if I do any more in the future I should probably just pump out colorless paper drawings instead of doing screenshot edits again… Cos for me it's about the goofy ass cartoony faces, y'know? And colorless takes less time

I already have an idea for one so far, with Charlie and Alastor, with faces from Apple.mov

Applejack's expression on the left and Spike's expression on the right remind me of the scene where Alastor was trying to rizz Charlie up for making that deal, being all "what's a favor between friends?"

(Took me way too long to find that goddamn gif, jfc, at least it has the exact moment I envisioned)

Edit: lmao it's done, didn't even wait the full week for results

[diamondzart]

*claps* ANALYSIS/THEORY TIME GUYS

I just finished rewatching Despicable Me 2 and I got a bunch of screenshots here yeah lets gooooo! You already know which character is the main focus for me here ;)

Okay I just wanted to try and clarify the whole “they worked together for 40 years and then Nefario just straight up abandoned Gru at first opportunity”. I’m here to say that he probably never planned to leave forever. More like he wanted to lure Gru back into being evil. And this leaving was just a step that he needed to make for this plan to work out properly.

As we know from Minions 2, in his early 30s Nefario was about to start living honest life without any crimes and other stuff like that, but Gru just came and dragged him back, this time for the rest of his life. And now he is in mid 70s, there is already no time for him to change the lifestyle again, he is already fully devoted to villainy and can’t imagine his existence without it. And then Gru goes “oops yeah I wanna live an honest life”, and Nefario is like “…….man what the f**k did I tell you like 40 years ago???”

He just can’t change himself anymore, he feels out of place, but he doesn’t want to grow apart with Gru since he is probably the only one who he can truly call his family. So he tries to do the same thing that Gru did to him all those years ago - drag him back into being villain.

He goes to work for El Macho and slowly takes the minions after him, and basically this whole purple army thing is just a big bait for Gru. I’m almost certain that he convinced El Macho that they need to invite Gru into this plan, since he was really happy to finally see him in El Macho’s lair and even brought the confetti to celebrate their reunion as a team. He was hoping that Gru will get inspired, that they will be back to being villains and will take over the world together with their new forces.

I’m pretty sure that at some point Nefario would just quietly get rid of El Macho and go “oops, looks like there are two of us again, cool right?”

He looks quite disappointed when Gru doesn’t show any enthusiasm for the idea. He doesn’t want to take over the world without him. All of this was just to bring his evil boi back into the business. Aw.

And he definitely didn’t expect El Macho to sic the purple minion on Gru. That was the moment that he realised that the situation went out of control. “Destroying the family in case Gru doesn’t join us” clearly wasn’t on his to-do list.

So almost immediately after that Nefario goes back to Gru’s side and sabotages El Macho’s plans. Because the whole plan of luring Gru into the villainy transformed into a big life threat for everyone too fast. Not only for Gru, but for the girls and Lucy as well.

Does Nefario treat the girls like granddaughters? I think yeah, kind of. His attitude to them evolved from DM 1 a lot. I think he even started seeing in them the echoes of his past with 11 yr old Gru. Just look how happy he is about bringing them with him into the battle and giving them guns and stuff, he forgets for a minute that Gru is much more protective about children then Marlena was.

There is a sparkle in him that reminded him of the younger days when he and small Gru were just having genuine fun. Maybe he even felt for a few moments that he went back in time, he wasn’t as excited about anything through the whole movie as much as he was about giving the gOrls the guns and letting them have pure fun without consequences. He is clearly having the time of his life during the whole final battle scene.

Oh my GOD that was a lot. I hope you like the whole thing, I spent like 50 minutes on making this post, lol :D

Any thoughts, maybe? I’d be very happy to hear from you, thank you for reading! <3

[diabolicalvixen]

hello, i just want you to know that you were one of the few artists my 11-year-old ayayui-rotted brain clung to!!!

now, 8 years later, i'm back in tumblr and i checked out the ayayui tag AND I SQUEALED WITH JOY when i saw you!!!

thank you so much for the wonderful art. (to this day i cannot get that seggsy ayayui basketball art you drew lol)

I wish I can tell you how much your message means to me, this made me a little teary eyed

trigger warning: depression talk below

8 years ago was just about 1 year before my depression peaked, and also the last time I heavily pushed out art before I stopped almost completely. I can tell you exactly because I started therapy at the end of 2020, and before that it took me almost 3 years to admit to myself that I need help. I wasn't ever in danger of unaliving myself but those were still some dark times. My diary from those years is so sad, that I can't bear to read it. But I still vividly remember one very personal entry that I want to share with you to convey to you what you did for me (and past me) today with that message

---

(this is paraphrased + translated)

December 2019

I haven't picked up a pen or a brush in what feels like forever and I don't know if I ever will again. I feel like a failure. My art looks like crap compared to others. It's messy and simple and you can tell i just wanted to get it finally done at one point. I bet no one uses that much references as I am. I want to delete it all. I don't even want to call myself an artist when I look at my stuff, that's just embarrassing. It looks so much better in my head, but my hand can't replicate what my mind sees.

Maybe it's a good thing Mom and Dad talked me out of studying art. My portfolio is cringe. I don't even know if this current degree is going anywhere, I haven't studied in a while either, I'll probably fail my exams. Whatever, I'll try next semester again.

I told people online that "I'm back" like a 100 times already, but no one cares anymore. That's the internet, if you stop pushing out content, you'll become irrelevant. Can't blame them. That's life I guess. I want to draw but I can't, it's not fun anymore. I'm not creative anymore. Where did it all go? Why do I feel so tired all the time? Maybe I'm just lazy. Even this entry almost took up all of my energy for today.

I slept 12 hours and I'm still tired.

---

A bit melodramatic but that's how I essentially felt like all the time, thinking about my art just made me spiral even more. I did receive some supportive and loving messages during those years and I have every one of them screenshotted and saved on my computer, but back then they were only able to pull me out for a very short time before I slipped into my black hole again. I had little bursts of creativity here and there but nothing compared to how it was before. Most of it I didn't even post because I ended up hating it.

I had my very last therapy appointment about three months ago and even though I'm in a much better place now, I'm still coming to terms with closing that chapter from my life. Something about your message made me very sentimental today - in a good way.

Thank you for liking my art 8 years ago. Thank you so much for still recognizing and remembering me 8 years later (!!!) and thank you for taking some time out of your day to message me! This truly made my whole month already, and we only have 2nd of July!

(about that seggsy basketball art, I reposted it a while ago - even though every fiber of my being cringed so hard 😂)

[57sfinest]

2, 3, 7 and 24 lol

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

mmm i'm gonna go a little sideways from the prompt because harry isn't necessarily my fave but i just do want to say i don't think this man is topping. i think the emotional fallout from martinaise has stripped him of his ability to ever top or dom or be in charge in any sexual capacity like ever again. someone tries to get him to top and he gets the thousand yard stare like oh no... i dont top..... not since The Accident..... like already immediately post-amnesia you've got these comments saying sober sex is scary for him, his blood flow is bad from the alcoholism so his dick is operating at a generous 48% capacity, he's got chronic pain + will probably feel that bullet in his thigh forever and ever and this is a perfect storm that equals to This Man Aint Topping. physical and emotional agony if this man even tries. you put this man in a situation where he's expected to top and he says 'i can't... not after everything women have been through...'

that being said i think if you can convince him that there is a shortage of tops for the future communist utopia of revachol & you remind him "from each according to his means" etc he might try. like if you tell him mazov topped then it might actually work. but otherwise call this man a cheese pizza cuz there's no topping here

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

there have been many. but i think one that angers me the most is the idea that dora was somehow wrong for leaving harry. i did see once (many months ago) that she should have stayed because of what the breakup did to him and i know for a FACT that person completely missed the point of the last dream on the seafort. that shit was crazy

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

i'm very good at maintaining my own separate opinions so there's no character i HATE but [strapping on my bulletproof vest] kim took a back burner in my brain for a while because the sheer volume of genuine sincere unironic 'kim is a good cop and his purpose in life is to be harry's support system' i saw was like. mind numbing. i'm not talking about lighthearted fun with his character i was seeing people genuinely believing that shit and i got so sick of it that kim became a secondary consideration for a while. i do love him his character is super interesting & i'm currently working on an analysis, but i think it was a case of oversaturation for a few months there

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

i am lucky to have not seen much but i think one of the things i see start some conflict is that there are 2 equally good and valuable types of Disco Enjoyment: 1) silly goofy fun and 2) full 10th-grade-english-teacher-mode analysis. and people can do both but i personally have deleted several anons who i think didn't realize this fact and therefore took my character analysis posts as personal attacks on the Silly Goofy Fun activities rather than the braindumps they were. most of the rancid shit i HAVE seen has mostly come down to: we are looking at the same thing through different levels of detail and canon-compliancy and are forgetting that Ignoring That Shit is an option

[marshmellowtea]

Actor 1-9 >:3

ngl i'm kinda surprised this wasn't the first character i got because. gestures at my icon. i'm basically asking for this HFKLDSJF

1: sexuality headcanon

generally i'm a pansexual actor truther buuuut honestly that damn sexuality flexibility has slipped in again, like. any queer sexuality WILL make me happy with him. special honorable shoutouts to aroace spectrum actor who hasn't yet realized that no, this isn't how most people experience sexual and romantic attraction AND my aus where he's a lesbian though, those have a place in my brain forever <3

2: otp

acting attorney, always, forever. i'm also fond of throwing damien and/or ben in the mix sometimes, but. yeah. :')

3: brotp

him and william for SURE, these two wouldn't leave my head no matter how little i knew how to characterize the colonel hgklajsdf. also him and celine when i don't want them making each other miserable because as much as i love them as besties i also love when they're dysfunctional assholes lmao

4: notp

i.....don't know if i have any?? i'm not big on romantic willmark but idk if that means anything cuz i don't really hate it either ghlaskjf, i just have other preferences. it's also not that big of a ship so like, idk.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

the real question is can i think of one that i haven't already rambled about on here before HFKLDSJF okay i know i've mentioned that i headcanon him with super curly hair, and i think that once he starts to settle down with y.n. more(/get more comfortable in his gender identity DON'T think i've forgot about transfem genderfluid actor it never dies) he starts to grow it out, but the thing is. he does not know how to take care of curly hair. and unfortunately, neither does y.n. (my self insert does not have curly hair lmao) so it's a lot of googling and trial and error to figure out how to take care of it......eventually they get a good routine for him though, which is good because he LOVES having long hair, it makes him feel so pretty 🥺 he also loves putting little barrettes/clips in it, i had the thought of him having little rose clips in it a while ago and hrhrghghhg he's so CUTE.....

6: favorite line from this character

okay i actively went and tracked this screenshot down because this line in date fuckin ruins me like

why does he say this about himself AHKLJKLDSF 😭 actor mark [REDACTED] kink confirmed ig

7: one way in which I relate to this character

ATTENTION WHORE LMAO. and on a more serious note the tendency to self destruct/isolate when we feel hurt but that's a little much for a fun ask game lol so ATTENTION WHORE!!

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

god. i adore him to bits but so much. so many. to choose one in particular the whole hero speech he gives damien makes me want to curl up into a ball and die like honey no please, stop talking 😭

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

i know he's a problematic fave, but listen......in my heart he's done nothing wrong........my beloved....... ;_;

[arsenalgbt]

hello! this is an appreciation message for you. long story short, i started to read your writing on ao3 in 2016, i remember at that time i couldn’t find any caninho fic then i found yours! let me tell you what i’m gonna be to this probably will be always one of my favourite fics ever. and i love your terfinha and hendollana too!

at that time, i was in a bad place mentally and your fics were something i was looking forward to, it was my comfort place.

after world cup this year, i’ve started to read football fics again and the other day i saw your ben/willo then i started getting nostalgic when i read your username.

in one way or another, you saved my life. so i just want to say thank you! i’ve grown up and i’m in a much better place right now. i hope you have a good day ahead. and thank you again. 🤍

I would like to apologise and thank you, because best believe when I first got this in my inbox (back in February? march?) you made my day. honestly I wasn't sure how can I convey my feelings of being so honoured by this uplifting and kind message 😭 like I'm hella proud of what my writing could be of somewhat an aid for you back then, but also so happy and grateful because you took your time to write to me (and in a much better place to boot! like!)

you, my dear anon, will definitely stay with me forever in the form of screenshot!!! I made a post a couple of weeks ago stating how unsure I was to reply but today, with me abandoning my jacket for the first time, I didn't want to keep you waiting and wondering. thank you. seriously thank you so much. sorry I have nothing to offer you but quotes from Tumblr dot com:

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not

there is no unlived life or alternative reality where everything went right…. there is only here and now what are you going to do with it 

anne carson wrote beautifully about this: “i’m not saying move back towards life, i’m saying the future isn’t elsewhere. we’re locked in a spaceship, h of h, we have nothing but continuing.”

“do it for the vine” = allow yourself to live life in the moment instead of maintaining a facade of normalcy for the enjoyment of not only yourself but of those around you

“commit to the bit” = adhere to the guidelines of an event that will in retrospect be nothing but a minuscule footnote, but continue to execute it for the complex web of happiness it brings you and your collective now

“fuck it we ball” = get the most you can out of life by putting the very thrill of being alive first and everyday occurrences and responsibilities last

lastly; I just re-read my old Liverpool fics and wow I just can't believe I've been writing for so, so long. sorry for the unbeta'd everything, sometimes the cringy storyline (I was young............ LOL).

LISTEN I HOPE YOU READ THIS. I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY OF YOUR OWN TERMS! thank you for being here!

[papermint-airplane]

I promise I will be a better Simblr soon! 😭 There's been such an adjustment period coming back to Tumblr for the first time in years. I'm like... what do I do with this thing? Stories? Legacies? Random screenshots with no context? All of the above??? Is it ok to interact with other Simblrs? Is me liking every post annoying? Because I genuinely like everything. Teach me the rulesssss. 😭😭

No but seriously, I have a ton of stuff I want to post and I'm going to set up a queue one of these days. I don't know if I can do continuous narratives since my brain is all over the place all the dang time these days but I wanna get more involved here. The Sims community is one I have such deep love for.

Like, not to get too personal but... you know what, it's my blog, whatever, fuck it. The Sims games and the community as a whole has given me so much comfort in dark times. When I got the Sims 1 at 16, I was trapped in a shitty home with abusive Fundie parents, no friends, and newly developing mental illnesses. The Sims gave me something to do to get my mind off things. Gave me some of the control I never had in my life. When Sims 2 came out two years later, I discovered the community through image boards (remember those, fellow Millenials?) and never looked back. At a time when I desperately needed friends, these strangers with their cute little pixel people showed me more love than my parents ever did.

Years later, due to circumstances, I fell out of the community and couldn't even play the game anymore. Things changed, I changed. I got medication, I got into therapy, I started trying to make sense of what happened to me. In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I was so scared and confused like eveyone else. I ended up turning to the one thing that gave me comfort 20 years ago when I was a teenager. I am so glad I did.

Not only do I absolutely love my game, I've made so many wonderful new friends from r/sims3 on Reddit. I'm able to express myself again in a way that I thought was lost forever. I've always been a writer but the years of trauma and mental illness took my words away from me. Playing the Sims again has brought the words flooding back. I get so much joy from writing about my beloved Sims and reading others' stories.

I'll never say anything like "the Sims cured my depression" because that's a total lie. I'm still depressed, I'm still traumatized, I'm still on meds and in therapy and will be possibly forever. But this community gives me an outlet that has turned out to be one of the healthiest, most positive hobbies I think I've ever had. I will always be grateful for that.

So yeah. That's all I have to say. I didn't think this would be so long but I guess I just wanted to express my appreciation for this community. I look forward to getting to know other Simblrs and sharing my little world. I just enjoy being here and posting what makes me happy.

If you read this far, I feel like I owe you an apology lol. I won't apologize, though, because my therapist says I do that too much and I shouldn't be sorry to be myself. So, if you're still here, I'm just going to say thank you for seeing me.

[meiozis]

I have only really interacted with your fics, so i cannot say much about you personally.I did send an ask a good while ago, saying how your writing made me believe love is real or something along those lines. I think about your reply to my sleepy hazed and sentimentally sappy ask very frequently. I even have screenshotted it haha. I kept thinking about you saying this

“i promise love exists outside of my writing, it's in every small thing forever and always, and it accumulates under your nails like dirt did when you were 5 and playing in the sandpit with a kid you met half an hour ago who is now your best friend

and my words exist outside of me, and if you like them you can carry them with u wherever you go and make them your own”

It was like something just kind of clicked in me. I will save you from the bore that is my love life but essentially it’s almost non existent right now, and has been since a pretty bad relationship ended nearly two years ago. I had somewhat just made myself numb to the possibility or desire for love after that but when I read your writing It was a glimpse of what I had tried so desperately to shut out and I missed it so much.

I had missed pining and affection even the pain that came with it. Your response even furthered that and made me realize that I hadn’t even been looking for love in other facets of my life. I started looking for love in everything, not even romantic but just pure love. Putting love behind my own actions more and loving very liberally. Trying to view small things others do as acts of love. I was so obsessed with acts of love ai even based an assignment in a photography class (it was very well received in critique lol). Ive chilled out a bit since then but I still carry your words with me wherever i go and It has given me such a deeper appreciation for the life i’m living.

Now the fun part is a little association game i like to play! like i said i don’t know you personally but i’ve read your stuff and so here’s a few things they remind me of! i don’t have a reasoning for any of these

the colors apricot and lavender! the artist japanese breakfast, and UA. Tangled headphone wires and arm warmers. the times 7:34pm and 5:56 am. The fizzing of a dissolving tablet when dropped into water, waiting outside for your ride to arrive, oolong tea, sweet cream foam, and a pumpkin fig danish i had one time.

This one’s a little crazy person talk and I’m also not rly sure how it correlates but it does in my mind. It was a trip i went on earlier this year, to a beach. I was at, not my lowest but pretty low, one night i sat by the ocean til 5 am thinking about how i could just walk into the sea and never come out. What would happen to me? would i drown or would i just walk until i found somewhere new? maybe the fish would just carry me. no one would know where i’d gone, not even myself. At some point the sun came up and i saw a fish get washed onto shore. As it just sat there completely still I thought about how maybe it’s the universe’s trade off, the ol switcharoo. It comes out I go in, it wanted out as much as i did. It started flopping around gasping and squirming so i pushed it back into the ocean and it stopped for a second, probably to regain stability, and then darted back into the sea. I went inside, made some breakfast and thought about the countless things that have pushed me back in. your work reminds me of those things too

hope u are safe warm and having a lovely time love u xoxo

it's really nice to hear from you again <3 (the rest is under the read more because i got a little carried away)

honestly i think about that ask almost daily too, because even if technically i know that people read my writing, it's such an unbelievable thought that it makes someone feel things and evokes emotions in them and that my words stay with someone, and thank you for gifting me your words in exchange of mine

it genuinely makes me so happy that you found a way to let love back into your life and a way to be happier i wrote parallels & almosts while coming out of a bad relationship and i remember how much energy and constant conscious effort it took to turn to a blank page and let myself fill it with anything even remotely good or happy, a bad relationship can be such an immobilizing and degrading chapter in our lives, and even if you get stuck in that chapter and forget how to turn to the next page for a week, a month, a year, a decade, it's such a big thing that you didn't close the book and put it back on the shelf, and you pushed that fish back into the water and you pushed yourself back into the water

yeah, that moment of stillness sometimes lasts for longer than we want it to, and maybe we shut down a little and forget how to spot the flowers that bloom where the road meets the sidewalk and the concrete has cracked a bit, but just like that fish in the sunrise you're back in the ocean and it doesnt matter how long it took to regain your stability, all that matters in the grand scheme of things is that you did it and to go on a bit of a tangent i think theres something funny abt how i first read your ask at 5am with my head so full of thoughts i was worried it's going to explode, and it reminded me of a story i wrote up for a comic for one of my classes this semester (the comic got ditched for another project, but the story is still dear to me) and even though it's never seen the light of day, it still reminded me of your story, so i hope you dont mind if i share it with you

Rain knocks on the window politely, so you let it in. Water flows between the cracks of the floorboards, and slowly fills up the room. The sea laps at your feet, hugs your ankles first, then your knees and waist, closes in around your ribs slowly, pushes more and more until you’re neck deep. You let it push you under, gently, comfortably, closing your eyes and filling your ears with ringing.

Is this what it’s like?

The pressure gets stronger and stronger, crushes your ribs into fine powder that the water washes away immediately. It keeps growing, until eventually you can’t feel anything anymore.

You keep falling, deeper and deeper until you touch sand, soft under your feet. Your heart feels at peace, settling into a slow rhythm. Small specks of light flood your vision, bubbles in the water turning into stars in the sky.

You float among them, and pick one out. It rests in your palm, weightless yet heavy, holding the entire weight of the universe. Full of knowledge and love, warm against your skin. You kiss it goodnight, a smile on your face as it explodes in your hold.

With it you’re gone, but so is everything else.

i keep rereading your story, and man, it's a poem of some sort, the ol switcharoo and the fish carrying you away... yeah i'll think abt this for the next 10-15 business days

and the associations oh i really cried over your message at 5 in the morning and it cleansed my soul in a way a little bird takes a bath in a puddle after a spring rain... they are all such lovely things to be associated with that part of me that i share on this silly blog, im putting your message in my pocket and carrying it around with me everywhere <3

thank you for taking the time to write me all this, and thank you for carrying love with you and sharing it and letting yourself take a bite when youre craving it, i hope youre having a lovely day and taking care, stay full of love, love u <33

[not-poignant]

10 (I know you have maybe and monet but if you could maybe share a lil titbit about them?), 36 and one you fancy answering for the mean asks pls!

10: When was your last physical fight?

Hmm. (Maybe this was meant to be question 15? But I'm doing 10 since that's the number I see).

I do not physically fight now that I think about it. I did a couple of times when I was younger? Easily like over two decades ago though, probably with a sibling, lol.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Yes when it comes to personal relationships. No when it comes to trolls online.

The last person I knew re: this I gave like 5 second chances, which was my own fault (and partly listening to their gaslighting, every time they said 'I never did this thing' (that I literally had screenshots of), and ended up hurting them too. If I'd just made a strong decision in the first place and stuck by it, things wouldn't have gotten so toxic.

But once you've crossed my line, you're on my shit-list forever. It takes a lot to get me to a place where it's like 'nope, this has happened too many times, this is not a good situation for me' but once I get there, I do not forgive. I can wish a person well, and still want the best for them, but they will never be allowed to hurt me or my loved ones ever again.

It just...takes a lot of time to get there. And the majority of people I've met, the vast majority, have never gotten there and never will.

As to online trolls, they basically get no chances, lmao. I've got no time for that!

Honestly most of my friends / partner/s and folks I know have never needed 'second chances.' Sometimes we've had arguments or disagreements, but never the kind of betrayals that even require a second chance. It's something I've only experienced very rarely, and I now treat it as a huge red flag if I'm in that situation, because I can go years and years without experiencing it.

-

From the horrible questions meme!

[100dayproductivity]

9/100.

So here's a new thing I'm going to try. I'm going to revisit every post from my first round of 100 days and delete each one as I process them. Firstly, because I think it's a good idea to go back and review your past self and the progress (if any) you've made. Maybe there are some useful insights to be gained. Secondly, because the posts in this blog are mainly a type of to-do list that served their purpose in the moment and do not need to live on forever on the Internet.

I've already deleted my very first post in which I introduced myself (middle-aged single mother of two; hi, nice to meet you, welcome to my 100 Days of Productivity blog) and stream-of-consciousness listed out what to-dos were on my mind. I reiterated the two main to-dos more concisely the following day on my first 1/100 day post. Here's a screenshot:

So, that first item, patching up the wall behind the fridge? It's been about 9 months or so since I wrote that post and the wall still hasn't been patched up. Why not? Clearly there are obstacles. What are the obstacles? Well, the first obstacle is the patching up part. I need that putty stuff for patching up drywall. I had some in the basement but I looked for it last night and couldn't find it. I think I threw it out some time ago because it was all dried up. I seem to recall asking in my local Buy Nothing group if anyone had some all those months ago but no one did. I'm loathe to buy an entire container of the stuff to only have to use a tiny bit and then have to eventually throw an almost full container out again when it inevitably dries up. I'm a slave to my aversion to contributing to frivolous waste. I think people seem to think it's about the money (even I think that sometimes) but it's deeper than that. What it comes down to is climate anxiety. The holes in my drywall behind my fridge where I removed an overhead cabinet gives me climate anxiety 🤔

Um... Maybe I should just stop into the hardware store today. I need lightbulbs too anyway.

Next, some insights.

Firstly, the healthy and nourishing food. Jesus, that comes up a lot! Clearly I don't think my diet is very good. We will revisit this.

Secondly, I was complaining about tight hamstrings 9-ish months ago! And now I'm suffering from plantar fasciitis! Related? Absolutely! I ignored my body telling me that it needed some care and attention so it started complaining more loudly so I couldn't ignore it anymore. Lesson: listen to your body, don't ignore it!

Final screenshot:

"I don't know why I struggle so much with this..." Well, I still don't know, lol. I have begun to wonder whether I have ADHD? I don't really know much about it but I keep seeing memes and adverts that I find relatable and make me go 🤔 "One really productive day and procrastinate for three..." I feel like I definitely have highs and lows of energy. I'm trying to figure out how to work with my energy highs and lows. Almost like a surfer trying to catch a wave. This is still a work in progress. 🏄

So that's my rehashing of my first round of Day 1/100.

Now, for my running to do list. I'm adding a new to-do right at the top. Actually, adding two:

To-do:

Pick up polyfill and light bulbs at hardware store.

Look up "best hamstring stretches".

Take bed cover out of dryer. ✓

Deposit cheque. ✓

Pick up paint primer. ✓

Pick up produce, bread, milk, butter, sandwich stuff. ✓

Recurring:

Do hamstring stretches.

Roll out knots in leg muscle.

Do Sun Salutation x10

Take inhaler

I managed to do four Sun Salutations yesterday. I think maybe 10 is too ambitious?

What's on your list today?

[sabrinasfadingmoon]

literally love your profile icon…hope is forever my girl ❤️❤️ disclosure I haven’t read all of your Wednesday ficts so pardon me if I ask this and you already covered it but maybe Enid could spend some time with the Addams family? Like Morticia seeing Wednesday is like all about Enid would be cute. Love your writing!

hiii thank you !!! someone requested to me awhile ago to write enid and wednesday being together for family weekend. So- “jealousy, jealousy” was originally supposed to be this oneshot where I planned to do ^ that but it got away from me! I do plan for some family weekend stuff with enid and Wednesday in that! It might be awhile tho.

I think the timeline in the fic is the rave’n then family week shortly after. And that’s not counting for filler chapters (that I wouldn’t really describe as filler but it’s just the two big events you know)

But yes! It’s not written yet but between you me and everyone who decides to follow my tumblr it’s planned for the future!!! I don’t know if you’ve read “jealous, jealousy” but if you are going to that’s something to definitely look forward too!

Thank you so much for the ask and your sweet words! I also love hope and hold her dearly to my heart!!! Fun fact! That’s actually from a screenshot Danielle (the actress) was in from a movie called a measure of a man! She’s not in it a lot but I watched it and just loved her in a scene so much I had to use it as my pfp lol. Anyway thanks so much again!!! This got really long dhdhhd