#again to try and justify your actions to yourself. (or watch. and hope that they’ll get it right? but maybe that would be worse. prove that

[quietwingsinthesky]

thinks about metatron referencing god only talking about amara when he was drunk and the direct parallels that then draws to john’s relationship to mary’s memory after she died, and hey that was a fucking insane line to put in their show right.

[blu-joons]

Scaring Him Into Thinking You’ve Left Him ~ Min Yoongi

“Have you eaten?” You questioned as he joined you in the kitchen.

He sighed heavily having only just walked through the door, sitting himself down on one of the barstools.

You stood for a few moments awaiting a response, but instead you were greeted by a stony silence that came with what you could only imagine had been another stressful day for him at the studio. It was hard on you as you walked around the kitchen to try and keep yourself calm.

His long days were not fault of yours, yet at times the atmosphere in your home made it feel like it was all your fault, as if it were a chore for him to come back to you after a long day at work.

Before you found yourself in a world of bother you placed the bowl of ramen you’d prepared for him in front of him, it was clear to you that he didn’t want to use his words so instead you tried actions, forcing him to eat up.

As if he knew what would wind you up, he refused to touch the ramen, opting instead to stare it as it cooled, in his heart he knew it was hard on you to watch him be so harsh when you’d gone to such an effort to try and look out for him, but there was nothing you could do about things, if this was the path he had chosen to take.

It bothered you greatly, but you never allowed your face to show it, if Yoongi could be stubborn then so could you, all you were guilty of was trying to care for him when he was barely able to look after himself but all he did at times was throw it all away.

You sat opposite him at the table, pulling your phone out in the hope it would provide some kind of distraction, but you were stuck staring at him.

“Do you want to talk?” You offered, if he wasn’t going to make the effort, you thought it would be best if you did, to try and bring some normality to your relationship.

“What’s there to talk about?” He blankly responded.

Your head dropped; you’d hoped that a small part of him would be willing to come to some sort of compromise that the tension between the two of you needed to be dropped.

“What about the foul mood you’ve come home in?” You challenged him, resting your palms against the cold wood of the table. “We’re supposed to be in a relationship and yet it just feels like you come just to ignore me and try and hurt me.”

For the first time he looked across at you, the darkness in his eyes was one you’d never seen before, the colour had drained completely from his skin.

“I come home and you’re so clingy, I can never get a moment to myself in this house,” he finally admitted, raising his arms defensively into the air.

“All you have to do is say the words and I’d leave you alone.”

He frowned, shaking his head across at you. “I drop enough hints Y/N, but you’re too blind to see it. I come home to relax not have questions fired at me as soon as I walk through the door, it feels like I’m on trial for something.”

“I’ll give you your space then.”

Before he had the chance to speak again you were walking out of the front door in any direction your legs carried you leaving him sat alone at the table as he tried to piece together what had happened and where the two of you went.

He stared across at the empty side of the table, knowing full well how the plot usually played out. Once you’d had the time to cool down and were ready to work things through, you’d come home, and all of the conflict would be forgotten about.

But as minutes passed, turning into half an hour, then an hour, and then passing two, a fear in Yoongi set in that he’d never felt before. It was unlike you ever to be away for this long, especially as the night began to draw in.

His hands instinctively grabbed at his phone, dialling up your number only to be left with the drawn-out tone of your voicemail greeting him. “Fuck!” He yelled, slamming his fists down onto the table as he tried to figure out where to go from here.

After three hours of complete silence, the sound of the front door quietly clicking open brought him to his feet, racing through the house his arms wrapped around your frame as soon as he reached you, pulling you tightly into his chest as he checked you over making sure you were safe. As your head rested against his chest you could feel how heavy his heart was pounding, smiling as you pulled the nervous reaction out of him you wanted.

“What were you playing at staying out for all that time?” He yelled.

You stood back from him, staring up into his eyes as you fully took in just how anxious you’d made him, beads of sweat dripping down his face. “I wanted to prove to you that I’m no pushover, if you continue treating me this way, I’ll just go, for good.”

“I know you’re not a pushover, I was so worried that something serious had happened to you.”

Your head nodded, you weren’t prepared to stand in front of him and apologise for your actions, you’d done what you’d felt was right and would hopefully be the starting point in rebuilding your relationship that so often felt like it was falling apart.

“I don’t care how hard your day is at work, it’s not fair for you to come home and speak to me like I’m invisible. All I’ve ever tried to do is care for you and look after you, I just wish that you’d see it rather than being so oblivious and rude to me.”

“I didn’t realise how thoughtless I was being, you’re right, I have been blind,” he whispered.

You reached your hand forwards, intertwining it with his with a gentle squeeze to reassure him. “You told me you wanted to come home and relax, I thought making you dinner and giving a damn would help you relax, give you someone to talk to when times were getting tough for you.”

His head nodded, it was hard on him trying to find the words to justify how obnoxious he’d been, never did he imagine he’d make you feel so low and have to send you to act in such desperate ways to bring him back to you.

“I’m sorry that’ve done this and made you feel this way, if the offer is still there I think I would like to talk to you about my day, it’s been a bit of a long one.” His vulnerable eyes stared across at you, sighing lightly when your head nodded.

“Why don’t you head upstairs, I’ll grab some snacks from the cupboard seeing as you still haven’t eaten, and we can settle down and you can talk to me, and I’ll my hardest to give you a bit of advice and make you feel better?”

His head nodded, slipping his hand out of yours as he made his way upstairs to tidy up your bedroom, drawing the curtains and turning the lamp on to create a safe space where he felt comfortable to talk to you about all his troubles.

“I wasn’t sure how hungry you were, so I just brought a load of snacks,” you called through, walking up the stairs to join him on the bed, cuddling into his chest.

His lips pressed to the top of your head as you settled against him, “all of these are perfect, they’ll get me through this.”

“So, what’s been going on?”

“Well…”

---

Masterlist

[lemonjoonah]

Beastly Gods - Namjoon’s Tale

Pairings:  Hybrid!Namjoon x Reader x Hybrid!Taehyung Word Count: 3.5K Rating: M Genre: Hybrid AU, Thriller, Drama Warnings: Captivity, Manipulation, Swearing, Themes of Obsession and Ownership, Suicidal Thoughts and Discussions. No healthy relationships to be found here!

Summary: Taehyung offers up information regarding you, in order to quell Namjoon’s objections with his plan. But after misreading the situation, Namjoon’s inaction has allowed you to be trapped by what you fear most... Them. 

A/N: A short companion/sequel to Beastly Gods, so PLEASE make sure you read that story first! This tale will be told from Namjoon’s point of view, presenting you with the chance to see his side of things, while also giving you a bit of a buffer from the Little Dove’s current emotional state.

...

Namjoon watches from a safe distance as you leave your home, venturing off deeper into the forest to forage for your village’s needs. His desires tell him to follow you, but that’s not why he’s here, not today at least. With the coast now clear, he can approach your cabin with caution, and wait for the trickster of a god to show himself. He’s always hated this plan of Taehyung’s, feeding you false truths to take you from this place, but that couldn’t quell his curiosity when he was told that his brother had something important to show him. 

“I didn’t think you would come.” Taehyung’s voice reaches out as the door creaks open. His head poking out to survey the surroundings.

“Neither did I, but others were adamant.” 

He steps out from the safety of the dwelling towards Namjoon’s tree. An arm tucked behind his back. “I have something to exchange...” 

“I told you, I will not take her things to give you more time.” Taehyung may have convinced the others but Namjoon has no desire to dispose of his morals for a token that was not truly given by you.

“Fine, you don’t have to take it, but at least look at it.” He puts forward his hand to reveal a tattered novel, “I grabbed it from her shelf, it’s probably the most worn and read story in her collection. An interesting choice really, although I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make sense.”

Namjoon reaches down from the tree to take hold of the book offered to him. Growling with disgust upon reading the title, ‘Beauty and the Beast’. “Are you trying to imply this is what she wants? That she’s asking for this?” He snaps at Taehyung, his eyes narrowing, “Is this how you justify your lies?”

“Who’s the true villain in this story Namjoon? Who is it?”

It’s been so long since he’s read it but the evil is all too clear, “The pride and greed of mankind... but that does not negate the beast’s actions.” 

“I’m trying to say that there are worse things than us. Just like the beast we offer a different freedom. A freedom which she might find better suits her than this life. She might grow to care for us, she just needs a little push out the door.”

“This is no fairy tale Taehyung, in the end we will always remain beasts.”

“Better that it’s us and not those circling the woods. I know you’ve seen them Namjoon. They are looking for our weakness. They’re closing in, and if I can befriend her, so can they. We must do whatever it takes to keep her safe Namjoon, you know that to be the real truth.”

“Whatever it takes...” Namjoon mutters the mantra while clutching the book, rubbing his fingers over the distressed cover. Knowing whether or not he agrees with what is happening, fate will never be kind to you, all he can do is make it more bearable. “You said it’s her favourite?” 

“By far.” Taehyung smiles back to Namjoon.

Namjoon keeps the book in hand and looks to his wings. With a small wince he tugs out a choice feather and hands it back to Taehyung, “For her in return.”

“I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have it.”

...

He never should have listened to Taehyung. The reveal was too much, the look of terror etched upon your face is too agonizing to witness. It’s a painful scene made worse by your recoil when Namjoon attempts an approach. 

As Taehyung finally lets you go there’s a moment of hope when you claim your bag from the floor. But you then make a break for the balcony and out on to one of the tree limbs.  

You sit perched on the branches, as far away from the house as physically possible. Taehyung makes a small gesture to Jimin, indicating that he should be the one to follow you into the tree, but as his wings open, Namjoon pushes him back.

“She obviously wants a bit of distance. Can we at least give her that for now.”

Jimin looks back to Taehyung who gives in with a nod. 

Namjoon’s gain is short lived though, his mouth turns dry as you pull out the bouquet of feathers. Plucking each quill from the assortment one by one, you release them into the air, and watch as they float down to meet the snow covered ground. It’s difficult to say if it’s a method to taunt, or a way of showing you simply don’t care, but regardless of motive it still stings Namjoon’s pride to see his love disposed of in such a way. 

Even after all their gifts have been discarded, you continue to rest there in indifference, not acknowledging a single appeal from any of them.  It’s obvious you need space, but they can’t all wait forever. Taehyung starts to send a few of them away to keep watch over the forest. They need to survey the village's discovery of your disappearance. Making sure the residents come to the conclusion that you broke the agreement by leaving of your own accord. If there are any questionable thoughts regarding your absence the flock needs to know. 

Taehyung may be maintaining the facade of a victor, but it’s easy for Namjoon to see the cracks forming within. He watches as Taehyung becomes agitated, his wings twitching as the minutes continue to pass. Handling rebellion is one thing, but he doesn’t appear to do well with detachment. “I need to leave you in Namjoon’s care for a short while Little Dove, but I’ll return soon.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.” You chime back.

A smirk crawls into Taehyung's face, your retort proving he still holds power over you.

Namjoon can’t believe what he’s hearing, how dare he choose to retreat now. “You can’t just leave her there Taehyung. You did this to her, you need to fix it.”  

Taehyung leans into Namjoon, meeting his eyes with confidence. “Why do you think I’m leaving? Right now she sees me as her biggest threat. If I step away she might let her guard down. I need you to talk to her and be an advocate on my behalf. ”

“What makes you think I’ll agree to that?” The anger within Namjoon continues to rise, his feathers ruffling out behind him.

“If you don’t, I’ll make sure you never get to see her again. If you choose to work alone Namjoon, that’s where you’ll end up.”  Taehyung whispers his final orders before taking to the sky, “I don’t expect her to fully accept me just yet, but at least convince her that she’ll be safe with us within the nest.” He’s obviously worried you might attempt something foolish out here, and for once Namjoon agrees with him.  

The wind starts to build bringing with it more chilling air and a few flakes of snow. Without the others to support him he grows nervous over ensuring your safety.   

“You should go inside Little Dove.”

“No.”

“It’s getting too cold for you out here.”

“I don’t care.”

“Very well.” Space be damned, if you are determined to put yourself at risk he will have to move in closer. Namjoon finally takes the leap and joins you on your branch, settling down a couple feet away from you.

“Wh-what are you doing?” You shift further out on the branch despite the fact that it now bows from your weight. 

“Since you won’t go inside I’m staying out here until you do.”

“I don’t want your concern, or your pity.” 

“I’m trying to keep you safe.” Namjoon’s frustration starts to show, this is not how he wanted your first conversation to go, but he has only himself and Taehyung to thank for that. “What would you have us do? Truly, I would like to know your answer. What would be the best scenario for you?” 

“Let me go.”

“You would be running off to your own death. Human rebellion is not seen kindly by other hybrids. Out there you’re a threat to be conquered or disposed of.”

“Is that what happened to the others? The ones who left?”

“Yes. We didn’t bother trying to keep them, we had no use for them. We approached and warned them before they left but each one choose to take the path that would soon result in their demise. We have no plans to make the same mistake with you.”  

“You don’t think I’m strong enough to survive on my own?”

He has to make his point. Keeping you safe at any cost. He inches closer, his wings unfurl  before swoops down upon you, capturing you in his arms tucking your back against his chest.   

“What the- Get off me!” 

You struggle in his arms but he holds fast, it’s hardly a stretch of his abilities to keep you locked in his grip. He pulls you back further from the edge not wanting the bough to break while you clash with him. “If you can get me to let go you can have your freedom. But I am trying to show that we surpass you greatly.” 

Launching your free hand at the nearest wing, you grab a fist full of feathers, threatening to pull them from their place. For a brief moment you hold a glimmer of hope in your eyes. You must think you have the upper-hand, but there’s no pain that Namjoon wouldn’t endure on your behalf. “Go ahead, take them. They’re yours.”

You release his quills in an instant. Though he would have preferred if you had gone through with your threat. Favouring your anger over your fear.

“They’ll always be yours,” He whispers lowering his head to your shoulder as you grow limp in his clutches. Your breathing deeps to a sob. 

Knowing he’s proved his point, he’s careful to ensure that you are steady on the large branch before finally releasing you. Your tearful eyes gazing down to the ground below. 

“Even we hybrids would struggle if we went our separate ways. Those who fly solo are extremely vulnerable. We may have disputes on a variety of aspects, but we’ve all agreed to stay together for our own survival.”

“You should have just left me in the forest then...” You wipe the back of your arm across your eyes, not letting a single tear fall down to the feathers below.

“You would have preferred the village over the beast?”

“How did you- the book,” Your sight flickers back to the house which contains your possessions. “You have my book don’t you?”

“I thought you would’ve preferred to escape the village just like the girl in the story... even if you must reside with the beast.”

“Her life was a fairy tale compared to mine, her village far more tolerable and the beast far less terrifying. That,” You point out to the open fields across from the forest, “That was my beast to tame. My prince, my happy end was true freedom.” Your cherishing gaze shifts to a glare as it returns to Namjoon, “You think yourself the beast? No, you and your brothers take a far worse role in the story. You resemble the god that forced the trials and sadness of life upon her, the one who put her in the village to begin with.”

Namjoon can’t help but feel struck down by your real feelings towards the book. “I’m sorry I misunderstood, but we can't change the situation. Trust me when I say that beast is far worse than the ones you’ll find here. This is the only freedom you can have.”

“Then I choose to spend it out here in the cold.”

Namjoon watches as you curl your head into your arms taking a crouched position to hide from both him and the falling snow. He folds out his wing above you, careful not to touch you again, but instead providing shelter from the elements.

You remain silent as he watches over. Not meeting his eyes though he focuses on yours. Jealousy overwhelms him with regards to the way you covet the sky, wishing more than anything you would look at him with the same desire. On top of the battle over your safety, Taehyung has done so much damage by lying to gain your trust. Namjoon tries to reason that he would have told you the truth, he wouldn’t have hidden his true role. But having you beside him now, he knows that he too would do anything to keep you safe and in their arms. Even if you struggle against their hold, it’s better this way, you’ll see. He plans to do everything within his power to help you accept this new life. 

You sit there together for another hour before your gaze starts to falter, closing your eyes to the world around you. Namjoon takes your arm worried that you might lose your balance in your half asleep state.

“Let go of me, I want to stay out here.” You murmur.

“If you do you’ll fall-”

“Then let me fall,” You plead. His chest tightens as you open your eyes with tears again, “Please Namjoon just let me fall.”

“I promise I can make this better, give me a chance. Let me at least try to undo some of the damage we’ve done.” This fear is temporary, your anger won’t last forever, but that fate is permanent. One he would never let you choose.

Namjoon has no choice but to take you back inside the house. He wraps your arms around his neck and lifts you against his chest. With little strength to fight him, you resort to conveying your fears.

“I don’t want to see him. I can’t stay here with him.”

“Then I’ll keep him away. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

“Why should I believe you...”

You start to twist and turn in his arms when the bed comes into view. Pushing away as he sets you down on the mattress. Namjoon can read the panic in your face, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ll be safe in here, the skylight window is well beyond your reach leaving only one exit, the door which he locks behind him. 

It only takes a few seconds for you to start pounding on the door. “No! Namjoon let me out! Get me out of here!” 

He sits down in front of the door not leaving your side for a second. “This is the only refuge I can give you right now. If you don’t want to see him it’s the only work around.”

“Namjoon!” Your pleas become increasingly hard for him to resist. There’s a long pause before you make an offer, one he thought would never come from your lips. “You can take me away, you can give me what Taehyung promised. It would just be us, isn’t that what you want?” You are his Little Dove, learning to tempt with a new song. “All you have to do is let me out!”

It’s his greatest trial not to reach for the lock, but he’s soon released from your pull, when he spots two sets of black wings on the horizon. Yoongi and Taehyung have returned from their surveillance, thereby shackling you in place.

Yoongi lands first with news of the villagers. “Their search party found her footprints in the snow. They could see that she stepped over the threshold and into our territory.”

“No recourse then?” Namjoon asks with optimism. Minimizing the damage will be key, it’s doubtful you’ll take kindly to any acts against the village. 

“No,” Taehyung adds, “They’re too afraid after seeing that she only made it a couple feet before her tracks disappeared.” He then sets his sights on the bedroom door behind Namjoon, “Is she asleep?” 

Namjoon nods hoping the lie will grant you some peace. Taehyung reaches for the handle, Namjoon’s ready to stop him, but Yoongi manages it first with a few words. “You should let her get some rest.”

The new leader appears to take the thought into consideration. He pulls back his hand and steps away, though his gait is riddled with signs of impatience. It’s doubtful that he’ll leave you alone for long, prompting Namjoon to further guilt him into letting you be. 

“You shouldn’t go in there, the only reason she came in was with the promise that you would leave her alone.”

Taehyung pauses his step, a growl builds within his throat and he bares his teeth towards Namjoon, “I told you to advocate for me. Not make promises that prevent me from seeing her.”

Namjoon rises mirroring his stance and anger, “You’ve broken her, do you realize that? She is so lost that she wanted to fall from this tree. She actually considers that as a way to escape. This is your fault.”

“No, I saved her from that forest, from our enemies,” Taehyung counters.

“At what fucking cost? Your lies had too steep a price. She doesn’t trust any of us when she might have if she had been told the truth from the beginning.”

“So she could turn us away at the edge of the forest? No, we can deal with this. We can show her what the world has become for humans. Let her see that we really are the lesser of many evils.”

“If you want to gain her trust, you’re going about it backwards,” Namjoon explains. “We have to acknowledge the original sin, and what came about because of it.” 

Taehyung looks ready to throw him from this tree, instead he pushes Namjoon back against the door which he guards. “Don’t imply that you know her better. I’ve spent longer than you at her side, I know what sins she is capable of bearing.” His mouth twists into a sinister smile, “While we were gone, did she ask you to take her away? Did she express an interest in flying away with you?” Namjoon looks down at the floor not knowing how to respond. One of Taehyung’s hands reaches up to clutch his jaw, his talon like fingers digging in and forcing Namjoon to meet his eyes. “She did, didn’t she?” 

Before he can come to a response Taehyung’s attention is ripped away with the sudden entrance of another. Jungkook bursts through the open door still in flight, creating a wave of destruction, marked by broken furniture, as he makes an attempt to land.

Taehyung drops his hold on Namjoon demanding an explanation for the sudden disruption.“What the fuck Jungkook! Why couldn’t you just-”

“Seokjin and Hoseok...” Jungkook interrupts taking deep dragging breaths. Despite the cold beads of sweat can be found dripping down his face and neck. “They’ve caught an intruder... a pack member.”

Shit. The wolf-hybrids that have been toying with the boundary line. Namjoon cuts in with his own questions too impatient to wait for Taehyung to take the lead. “Did you see any others? Do we know how many we might be dealing with?” 

“They’re trying to get that information from him now.”

With his back now blocking out Namjoon, Taehyung steps in to assign his orders. It’s obvious he feels threatened, he’s picked a hell of a day to take leadership of the flock. “Jungkook, you’ll take me to where they’re holding him. Yoongi go find Jimin, we can’t have him alone out there. And you...” Taehyung turns round to meet Namjoon again as the others ready to leave. “We’ll finish our discussion later. I’ll give her rest of today to herself, you should know though, I plan to see my Little Dove tomorrow.” The smile is back on Taehyung’s lips, as if his point has been proven. He had gotten you out just in time. And even if Namjoon was tempted by your offer to leave the wolves have now added to the barrier blocking that escape.

As his brothers take flight again, he knows his thoughts should be out there with them and the looming threat, but his immediate concerns fall back to you. Taehyung knew you would try and lure him. It’s understandable that you would want to escape by any means necessary, temptation can be a powerful tool. You’re afraid, clinging to and using whatever might help keep you aloft. Nevertheless he can’t allow this to continue, for your safety and his.    

Free to step away from the door he sets his sights on a thin book which graces his shelf. The only salvation he can give now is something Taehyung did not, the truth, as a story that he too treasured in his youth. 

He slips the small doctrine through the gap under the door. It holds the teachings of how and why his race gained power, all while condemning yours to the forest. Inside you’ll find a written account of the revolution that was sparked by the love between a hybrid, and his human.

Namjoon whispers to you on the other side, hoping that you’ll listen, “I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I need you to understand, I’ll do whatever it takes...”

...

The Beastly Tales will continue in the prequel: Conquering Fear 

[prettywordsyouleft]

Forsaken | Part 3

Summary: As one of the Forsaken, Jinyoung had no right to covet anything as his own. When he stumbles across you standing in the middle of the village he had plundered, the memories of old make him risk it all, clutching at the past in hopes for a better future.

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Genre: warrior au / star crossed lovers / angst / romance

Warnings: death, kidnapping, cursing, a myriad of emotions - this is a really sad love story.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 

“Can you tell me about it?”

Glancing at you, Jinyoung sighed. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything,” you urged, leaning forward in earnest. It made him hesitant with your eagerness, considering what you were asking of wasn’t something to get that animated over. You acknowledged the evident unease Jinyoung was experiencing and gently reached for his hand, curbing some of your enthusiasm. “I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to act as if you were a circus creature. I just… I want to understand more so I can better be there for you.”

“You do enough,” he whispered, gnawing on his bottom lip as he contemplated his life story. You had already told him of yours. As the daughter of the head patron of this township, you hadn’t faced a whole lot of troubling times in the short years you had on this earth thus far. You had been sheltered, fed daily, clothed decently and never felt the harshness of winter within your bones like he had. Further, you had been loved – a concept Jinyoung couldn’t quite fathom even now.

“Still,” you persisted, patting his forearm softly, soothing him and loosening off some of his control. “I have been far too privileged in this life. I want to understand the life you have lived so I never do anything to upset you.”

“Bitterness is bound to happen between two very different people, Y/N.”

“So can support and comfort. Let me be there for you, hm?”

He swallowed roughly, nodding as tears formed in his eyes. “I don’t remember much of when I was younger. I never had parents or a home. I don’t know who helped me survive until I was big enough to get by but when was a bit older I remember being found in the woods and dragged to a village. I was hungry so I followed for food…”

“But it was a camp for the Forsaken, right?”

Jinyoung nodded grimly. “If you don’t have anything in life, they give you this and take you as their own.”

Lifting his sleeve away on his right arm, he showed the numbered tattoo scored permanently into his skin. You fingered it tentatively and he shuddered with your touch. Smiling softly, you undid the leather band around your wrist and slipped it over his, hiding the numbers effectively. You then smiled up at him. “I know I can’t remove it for good, but you don’t need to worry about that anymore. You’re safe here with me.”

Jinyoung smiled sadly. If only he could truly believe that.

For a moment, Jinyoung wondered if you had ever truly understood what he was back then. For you, he was just a friend, a lover, a special person you had seen under the warm light that was your world. It didn’t seem to matter how often he would remind you he wasn’t the same as you were, you still didn’t seem to understand who he was.

Born as a Forsaken, the tattoo on his arm would never stop bleeding into his soul despite your efforts to erase it.

For Jinyoung, your treatment of who he was always made him desperate for more of it. He lapped you up with an insatiable hunger, greedy for more of your light to brighten his darkness. The longer he spent around you had made him almost believe his hardships were over. At your side, he only experienced happiness and acceptance.

Maybe that’s why it hadn’t taken him long to race after you, yearning for those emotions once again.

He knew what path you had taken without seeing you move that way, the years spent lurking in the dark making Jinyoung an excellent hunter. Travelling towards the forest as fast as he could, dread filled him. The nightshift would have begun and Mark was assigned this area tonight. He was a first-rate archer, and he hadn’t missed a target in the eight years Jinyoung had spent with him. Pushing himself to move faster, he breathed in relief when he saw you dashing through the forest like a deer. You were too free, not truly understanding how deadly this world could be for someone as dainty as you were. And as he predicted, he saw Mark up ahead, the man reaching for his weapon to harm his prey. Jinyoung dove towards you, grabbing you and spinning you away from the arrowhead that now pierced firmly into the tree trunk he had soared by. The force hurtled you both into a neighbouring tree and he let off a signal whistle of their battalion, watching as Mark lowered his next arrow and retreated into the shadows.

Jinyoung then turned back to you, your eyelids clamped together in fear. He sighed, knowing full well you weren’t ready for death. Someone who feared the end never wanted to take their last breath early. Slowly, your eyes opened and you stared up at him in surprise, your hands reaching for the front of his shirt and anchoring yourself there.

Why did this action always make his heart beat erratically over you? In the face of death or with the anticipation of his lips upon yours, you had always gripped onto him like this.

It made Jinyoung desperate to keep you there, casting reality to the side. “I’ll follow you to nowhere, so don’t try and leave me yet.”

Soul searching, you stared back at him for an immeasurable moment before slumping into his arms, burying your head in his chest. He held his breath, hesitant to rely on the warmth now erasing the chill out of his bones. Would this moment only be fleeting? Would you wake up again and try to leave, knowing he wasn’t the boy who did all he could to please you? Jinyoung was different now. He had more than just you to think about.

Right now though, he was uncaring of all the lives that he had upon his shoulders. He pulled you closer, lowering his head to your shoulder, inhaling you in. Despite the shirt you wore being his own; your scent had permeated through, filling his senses with nostalgia. How he had loved breathing you in, grounding his nerves whenever he felt he would lose you from his side. His arms tightened around you, coveting you like he had days previous, though this time you responded by clinging to him just as much.

The past was colliding with the present, trying to find a way to establish a place within one another.

“Jinyoung,” you mumbled from within his embrace sometime later and he reluctantly shifted so you could look up, his arms aching now that he had realised just how much effort he had used to hold you to himself. You used the moonlight to your advantage to search his eyes again. “Let’s find nowhere.”

“Right now?”

“Can’t we?” you pleaded, looking like the deer he had thought of you as before. You were too innocent for these parts and it made him swallow roughly, realising his place. He stepped back, and yet you followed him, unrelenting in your grip around his waist now.

“I need time.”

“How much?”

“I don’t know,” he answered simply and you dropped your head. His heart and mind tried to find a solution, hurting as the minutes passed by without a single path forward. He pried your chin out of your chest and stared at you feebly. “Will you… give it to me?”

“I’m cold,” you mentioned instead and Jinyoung nodded, pulling you into his side and helping you through the woods and back to his home. You were more alert this time, given you weren’t rushing through. Looking up at him after entering the cavern-like foyer, you frowned. “What is this place exactly?”

“We built our base into the hills around here. Once we go through the first two hallways, we’re on the other side of the hill where the houses are.”

“So we’re underground right now?” Jinyoung nodded and you smiled. “That’s a clever way to hide.”

“It’s survival,” he merely stated, feeling uncomfortable with your awe. He didn’t want to be seen as clever. The Rebellion wasn’t something to feel accomplished by, it wasn’t a way of life he wanted for any of them, especially not himself. So having you justify their strategic base layout only irritated him and he dragged you through the corridors and doors until you were back in the room you knew of.

You frowned. “There’s no kitchen?”

“We eat together.”

“We?”

Jinyoung implored your curiosity to ease off but you merely waited for an answer and he groaned. “Some twenty men live here.”

“No women?”

“Just two others.”

You finally picked up on his mood and sat down on his bed, bouncing a little on the edge whilst you looked at the size of it. “This bed wasn’t made for more than one person to lay upon it.”

“One person has only ever needed it,” he commented and you merely stared back at him. Jinyoung sighed for the umpteenth time. “You won’t be settled until you finish with your questions, will you?”

Smiling with the unspoken permission to continue, you launched into asking more about the camp. You wondered of their roles, of what happened here. You seemed to steer clear of what he did outside of the camp, and for that Jinyoung was thankful. He didn’t possess the energy to explain the years he had spent under the Rebellion whilst you were living out there in a peaceful settlement.  

The same place he had destroyed from existence.

Jinyoung struggled to dislodge the lump forming within his throat. He had destroyed your world and brought you to this wretched place. Would you even make it here?

“Where will you sleep?”

“I’m fine with the floor,” he announced, watching as you stopped midway in climbing under the blankets. Staring back at him, you shook your head.

“You could sleep beside me.”

Jinyoung cocked his head to the side despite the rush within his chest. “Didn’t you mention how tiny it was before?”

“We’ve done it before,” you whispered and he closed his eyes, nodding softly.

“Shh! They’ll find us,” he chastised and you clamped your giggling mouth together as best as you could.

“I’m sorry it’s just your foot tickled mine!”

“Well, given this bed isn’t made for two, did you expect there to be any room between us?”

“I think we’re not utilising it properly,” you stated, wriggling around until he whined when you elbowed him in the side. Sheepishly, you shot him an apology before finishing with scooting right up against the wall and beckoning Jinyoung closer. He obliged, frowning when you yanked on his folded arms. “You need to move them.”

“Why, I’m keeping a barrier between us.”

“Just because I’ve kissed you, doesn’t mean I will jump you, Jinyoung!” you whispered fervently and his face felt hot as you tugged an arm away from the other. Lifting yourself up and using his upper arm as a pillow, you nestled back down into his side. “There, much better.”

He couldn’t reply, the intense reaction his body was having overwhelmed him. Where you touched now tingled and burned, confusing him of your powers. Just what was this magic you were putting him under? Instinctively, he laid his other arm over your waist and you sighed in content. Blinking slowly with how close you were, he then stopped moving when you looked up at him.

“I love you, you know,” you confessed. “I don’t want to sleep alone anymore. Not when I can be this warm within your arms.”

Jinyoung held his breath as you slipped your head over the arm he had cast across the bed after laying down beside you, closing his eyes briefly as you nuzzled around, trying to find the comfiest spot. Legs entangled with the lack of room and your hands pressed gently into his chest. For a moment, after you both settled into your positions, he merely focused on breathing evenly.

He hadn’t held anyone like this outside of his dreams.

“Are you comfortable?” he asked softly and you hummed in response. You were easily more tired than Jinyoung was and your even breathing indicated to him that you had been lulled into another world.

He hoped that it was beautiful and bright compared to here.

As you slept, he soaked you in, inch by inch. You had blossomed further and he wanted to imprint every part that was different now. Your hair was shorter than it had been as a teenager. Was it more practical to be this length as an adult? His own hair was longer and untamed than back when you would cut it for him. What did you think of his appearance now, he wondered. Was he someone you could still find something attractive in?

A swift breath deflated him then. Why would you be attracted to him? He had nothing to offer you in the way of hope. Even if he wanted to go to nowhere with you, Jinyoung knew it would be impossible unless in the afterlife together.

The Rebellion was moving too fast, making deals with the cities, and taking out villages that seemed to profit too easily on their own. Self-sufficiency would be wiped out before they knew it, and the overlord would block out the light of the people.

If there was a nowhere to run to, Jinyoung knew it would soon be taken by the army of these lands.

Yet as you dreamed within his arms, he hoped you would find it.

_________________

Part 4

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[toushindai]

sometimes a fic you’re very proud of gets unceremoniously booted out of canon compliance by something that........ really does not earn the right to evict your fic from canon compliance, and your only recourse is to

Decide that in your own headcanon, what you must begrudgingly call the “canon scene” was merely a dream, and

Remind yourself why you wrote what you wrote.

Anyway I still love “The Diamond” because it does a lot of character work that I really wanted to see done, and although no one asked I’m gonna talk a little bit this is fifteen hundred words long so a lot bit actually about that out of a combination of sincere enthusiasm and very poorly hidden spite.

Within twenty-four hours of completing the Meg route and learning that both relationships were fully above-board, I concluded that Zagreus would want a threesome, and shortly thereafter I concluded that if he got one, it would be a disaster. I’m speaking literally, this is not an exaggeration. Within forty-eight hours I had a rough outline of what would become “The Diamond” written up, and the structure of the encounter is basically what it is in the final draft: Zag suggests it, Meg and Than are less enthused but decide to go along with it, Than is persistently awkward about the experience that Zagreus and Megaera seem to have with navigating each other, though he makes a gallant effort anyway which is interrupted by a reminder that Meg is still there, watching all of this, and the encounter falls apart.

As I began to flesh the idea out, I really became interested in exploring just... a number of different complications, a number of different tensions that to tell the truth I had expected to be present in the relationships based on the antagonism displayed by both Meg and Than early on. It’s clear that, canonically, they sorted out their differences somewhere out of Zag’s sight. And I have no objection to this, really. But “The Diamond” became about forcing the two of them to face their permissiveness towards the other relationship in close quarters, and to experience tension and discomfort that they may have shrugged off originally. They are each different things to Zagreus—this is a canon line, I just wanna emphasize that that’s a canon line, not something I came up with in a dream once—and in “Diamond,” I wanted to bump those two things up against each other and have them clash in ways that were awkward for everyone involved. Not wrong, not even unnavigable in the end, but awkward in a way that should be faced rather than looked away from. Thanatos, not just an uncomfortable outsider to the D/s dynamics that are so natural and inherent to Megaera’s relationship with Zagreus, but also watching the two of them follow familiar steps and feeling inadequate compared to how well they know each other. Megaera deciding that she is best suited to lead the encounter but in the process of giving Than space to play along shunting herself off into a corner, from where she feels awkwardly left out, and in her attempt to reintegrate herself into the scene by trying to take charge as comes naturally to her, shattering the entire encounter. Because the fic was strictly from Thanatos’s POV, I didn’t get to highlight this quite commeasurately to how strongly I felt it, but both Meg and Than saw glimpses of the shape of the other relationship and wondered, is that something Zagreus needs? Is that something he can’t get from me, does that make my relationship with him lesser? I saw a failed threesome as a perfect encounter to force them to have these thoughts.

(The answer to these questions is of course that neither relationship is lesser; they’re just wildly different, and for Zagreus, with his heart so full of love that it constantly overflows, to have both is beneficial to all involved. Maybe more strictly canonical iterations of the characters can understand that more easily, without having to question it. But where’s the fun in that? I want to see them working through it.)

The other big tension I wanted to put these characters through is... eh, it’s a combination of communication and respect issues. Like I’ve said and will keep saying, it’s pretty cute that Meg and Than sorted themselves out, and certainly that’s preferable to either relationship being secret or even just having to clear surprise polyamory with them after the fact, but at the same time... it is a little weird to me that Zagreus was excluded from the conversation. And so “Diamond” became about how Megaera and Thanatos think about Zagreus, and how they need to do better about that. Zagreus thinks, sincerely, that this will be great fun for everyone involved!. Neither Megaera nor Thanatos agrees, but how is Zagreus supposed to know that when they gripe amongst themselves and agree to go along with it? He gives Thanatos really a number of opportunities to back out, but Thanatos just grits his teeth and treats it as here Zag goes, being unreasonable again, and there’s nothing I can do to stop him. Megaera’s attitude is similar. They both fail to show Zagreus the respect of communicating their actual opinions to him. He’s right to be hurt by that, at the end of the main chapter.

And I wanted to show Than and Meg making this mistake, together, because I feel that even canonically, even with both romances complete, both of them take the attitude that they are reasonable and he is unreasonable. Their adherence to the order of the Underworld and the House is something they are doing that is morally good, and his defiance is something that is morally bad, and they’ll both permit it because of his circumstances and because, mortifyingly, they’ve both come to care for him, but even so that is taking the attitude that they are in a position to permit, to allow, and that his actions are the aberrance. And you know what? That’s a shitty attitude to take with anyone, let alone your boyfriend. I wanted them to face this hurting Zag, and moreover making things wildly uncomfortable for them, too—so that they could see the truth of what a negative stance that is, and repent of it. Decide, consciously, to do better.

And then the last thing I wanted to touch on was an idea that, bluntly speaking, Zagreus is better and more practiced at wanting things. Megaera and Thanatos have been living and working for aeons in this environment where what they sincerely want is the last thing they’re able to take into consideration when it comes to what they must do. Zagreus... lives and has worked in this same environment, but because of whatever quirk of personality, he refuses to sublimate himself. Prior to the game, it seems, this mostly took the shape of just not doing what he wasn’t motivated to do; but now, during canon, Zagreus is going after what he wants no matter how many times he fails. No matter how many times his father or the fates themselves tell him no, he is going to keep trying. And I wanted to look at how this is foreign and overwhelming to Meg and Than, how they might even reject it at first because it’s so foreign—but also how they are drawn to it. How it’s something liberating, how they might learn from it and become more fully themselves. More honest, more relaxed, happier. If only they take the step of admitting that they are in the wrong here, and that they’ve been stifling and harming themselves for a long, long time and calling it justified.

(That post about what your favorite Hades ship says about you has my number so thoroughly; why, yes, I am bisexual, and yes, I do live and breathe for repressed characters letting down their guard for exactly one person; and yes, I am a fan of men getting p—wait, that last bit’s not relevant here.)

I’m ready for 1.0, I think. There’s been a lot of post-clear content integrated into the game without the ramifications of a true clear—one that doesn’t involve the storyteller killing you in increasingly aggravated ways, whatever that’s going to look like—actually being incorporated. And I’m hoping a true clear involves a little more tension. Not permanently, not in a way that breaks some of the happy endings that are already in place. But in a way that makes the characters work for them a little more, in transition. Who clings harder to the status quo, which is broken but has been stable? Who fights a little more against the good that Zagreus is doing by pushing back? What prices are paid for breaking things so that they must be rebuilt better? I want to see these tensions. The game starts in an untenable place and asks hard questions, and I hope that the mechanical difficulty of the escape process isn’t considered enough to have earned emotionally easy answers. Because complication is what I’m interested in. Complication, and characters deciding that it’s worth it to put in the effort needed to address that complication. That’s why I wrote “The Diamond” and that’s why I’m proud of it.

[greyfongschemmenti]

Under Pressure

Bonus Scene: Questioning

Summary: After Lin searches your apartment you get called in for questioning following Mako’s arrest.

You spent the remainder of the night cleaning up your apartment. You were just about to finally head to bed when your phone rings and you grudgingly answer it. “Hello, y/n residence” “y/n, morning.” his obvious identifiable gruff voice that irks you as you sigh “Saikhan” you state plainly “No need to tell you the news, huh?” “Chief informed me. I guess you’re no better than me” you can sense that smirk on his face and you snarl looking at the receiver “I don’t know about that. At least I wouldn’t kiss some councilman’s ass” you smirk and can hear Saikhan grunt at the other end. “Since you know, what’s the point of the call?” “You need to come in for questioning” “Questioning? Sure” “I can get my secretary to send a car” Saikhan surprisingly nice confusing you since the both of you always have this angry banter. He probably finds this amusing. Is he pitying me? “That’s not necessary, Saikhan” you grit your teeth as you hold the receiver to your ear “I don’t have to see you right?” You ask and you here him sigh “I hope not. Just get your ass here. Chief’s waiting”

“Well best not have her waiting long then. I’ll be right over within the hour”

*

You shower and change into a white flow button up and some black pants. You turn yourself at the station and get escorted over to the interrogation room. Pak and Lee greet you with Lee taking out a pair of cuffs. you sigh rolling your eyes as you bring your wrists up and let Lee cuff you. You voluntarily walk over and get sat down in the interrogation room with your wrists cuffed "the cuffs really necessary, men. I thought this was a questioning" you smirk as the two officers walk by the door "Sorry, just following orders"

“Who’s?”

“Chief’s”

you shrug as you bring your arms up on the table "I get it, roughing me up for her? How is she by the way?" you look at your two fellow officers who glance at one another before one of them looks at you. "She's pissed off at you, detective"

"Not surprised, when isn't there a time we don't piss her off" you give them a smirk and they shake their head "no, y/n. She's pissed. Never seen her this upset. It’s like she took it personally"

"what do you mean?" you suddenly lean back in the metal chair intrigued at what you're hearing. "Well I mean Mako is her favorite. We all see it even though she tries not to show it, she’s kept tabs on him since he was in the academy." Pak stated and the Lee added "and you....well you're the lead detective on her team. You two are always figuring out cases so for Chief to have both her rookie cop and detective suddenly under fire...."

"It's suddenly puts a red dot on Chief's back from the press and public. Questioning her position as chief" you finish as you look down and sigh feeling guilty for your actions. "Lin Beifong is an amazing Chief. No one should question her skill sets or her roll as chief of police."

A window opens from the wall "is y/n ready for questioning?" a Chu asks and the two men look at you and you nod as they give Chu a nod and they walk out. A minute passes by when Lin walks in the room and sees your head hanging low "Ready to confess your involvement?" she asks sternly with her arms behind her back.

you keep your head down not meeting her eyes lacing your hands together"You can't arrest me. You don't have proof of evidence. You've searched my apartment. Trashed it for precise." you look up and give her a face "thanks by the way. I'll send over the clean up bill" you wittily remark.

"I can arrest you for simply being an accomplice. You confessed to working with him on that stupid stint operation" She snapped "You have me there" you smirk looking at her, trying your best to seem unbothered by your pain of not being able to have her in your arms. You close your hands as you try to compose yourself and not lose focus, you inhale deeply as you close your eyes for a moment "you alright there?" you bring a finger up to Lin so she'll give you a moment before lifting your head up and opening them. Seeing her again after that heated discussion causes your throat to tighten up and dry a bit. you lick your lips and gulp to keep your throat wet. "I'll tell you what I know. I have nothing to hide." your voice soft yet strong.

She scoffs “Only because you got caught.” she pinches the bridge of nose and sighs “Let's cut to the chase" Lin pulls out the other chair across from yours and takes first notice at your eyes. They show a deepen green, the golden specks that Lin would sometimes gets lost in, gone. The slight bags under your eyes to give the indication that you haven't slept at all. She stays harden still upset that you lied to her.

"Sure, but may I have some water? my throat is kind of dry" you give her a soft smile as you tug on your collar and unbutton the top button of your tunic. Lin grants your request soon there is tray with two glasses and a pitcher of water. Lin reaches to pour you a glass and slides it across to you, you give her a nod and drink half the glass, "thanks, Let’s not waste your time. What do you want to know?" you get serious as you look at her stoic. 

"Start from the beginning, when and where"

"Right after questioning the captain. Outside headquarters. Asami wanted answers. Mako had the idea. Varrick offered the ship."

"and you?" Lin interrupted as she analyzed your face and you returned her gaze sitting up on the chair moving your cuffed hands to your lap "I wanted the truth....I did it for Asami. Her company is all she has left. If the press ever got wind that Asami was involved in a stint operation. Future Industries would plunder to the point of no return."

"Answers?"

"Lu and Gang haven't moved fingers to investigate this case. I've been scrapping left and right at whatever evidence I can find. Mako is the only one who keeps to have an idea, but like you I didn't completely trust Mako. If I was going to trust him I had to risk my neck to see what he was doing. So I had to go along and see what this operation was going to be like."

"Hiring the triple threats?"

"I didn't know Mako hired them until I got to the docks. I was at the office working while the deal took place"

"How can I believe you?"

"Trust?" you look at Lin then scoff looking away "Never mind, you don't do that" you lean back.

Lin grits her teeth as she looks at you analyzing her face and body language, nothing seems to set her off of any indication that you're lying. "Why keep it from me?"

your ear perks up as you look at her then at the one way mirror "anyone listening in?"

"No"

you sit up and place your arms on the table as you scoot the chair in "The less you knew the better."

Lin scoffs "How does that justify your actions. You had the chance that morning."

"It doesn’t justify it. It would've been the same discussion. How I'm being blinded by Mako. I sound like a conspiracy theorist. My gut told me to trust him so I went with it, Lin" your voice strained from the hurt, but you look down to control yourself. Lin suddenly softens a but when she caught that strain in your voice but you continued on having composed yourself.

"I just started here in the city.... Sure, I've moved up the ranks fairly quickly, but in the chance I was wrong-Which I know I'm not wrong about Varrick-” you stressed “I was willing to throw my job on the line. No one would miss me or care if I lost my job on the force."

"That's not true. The officers would" Lin suddenly going soft on you and your brows furrow but you brush it off and shrug "They'll move on. There will be other detectives, better ones. There won't be a better chief than you, Lin. Rather I go down before bringing you down."

Lin looks up and meets your glance "There's always another. Saikhan for instance"

you smirk and let out a laugh "we've seen just how great a job he did the last time he was put in charge. He practically torn down everything you built"

Lin grits her teeth, even though she somewhat agreed to your comments "He wasn't ready"

"Sure as hell wasn't ready. Tarrlok said jump and the son of bitch jumped." you snap

Lin slammed her hand on the table starling you a bit "that is your Assistant Chief, show some respect" she seethed glaring at you

"was" you plainly stated not showing emotion

"you're suspended, not fired"

"Right...” you look away then back at her “will you be making an arrest on me, chief?" you lean back again on the chair losing interest in the matter.

"No. There were no evidence in your apartment. There were witnesses that saw you in your office when Mako and Asami were dealing with the Triads. Your story tracks out with Ms. Sato."

Your jaw clenches when Lin mentions Asami. So she brought her in for questioning too. "So I'm free to go?"

"yes, but you're still suspended"

"Thanks for the reminder.” you say dryly “So can you take these cuffs off or I should I ask the guys?" you look at her as you bring your wrists up to her. Lin stands up and takes out the key walking towards you and starts undoing the cuffs 

you look up at her as she slides the key in the socket as you spoke to her softly "you know this wasn't what I was picturing"

"what was?" Lin too focused on the cuffs

"me cuffed up with you. my image was more in the bedroom" you whispered as Lin turned the key and the cuff opens as she slips. Lin glares at you as she steps back while you uncuff the other yourself before placing the platinum cuffs on the table and hand Lin the key, "thanks" you give her a slight smirk. 

Rubbing your wrists as Lin walks to the door and knocks on it, the door opens. You stand up and walk over to the door stopping in front of Lin "I'll see you....whenever my time is done, Chief" you give her a nod before you acknowledge the officers by the door and walk down the hall. Forcing yourself not to turn around as you balled your fists at your sides and focused on keep moving your feet forward.

Lin watches you leave a part of her hoping that you would turn around. She couldn’t help but feel conflicted and upset that she could've been played this whole time. Though nothing gave her the indication that you lied to her or had any mal intent, your breathing and heart rate was normal. there is no US. My career IS my life Lin's own voices races back to her head and she turns away from you and walks back to her office. Lin, please…. trust and believe me. Now your voice was popping in her head. Honey....please. You’re making a mistake. Lin! 

Once Lin got in her office she slammed it shut and gripped on the edge of her desk. She doesn't make mistakes, she's Lin Beifong. Respected Chief of Police who has worked her entire life at perfecting herself for the job. She isn't going to allow some young detective and a rookie cop, questioning her skills as a cop. She beats them both on experience alone. So then why are your words ringing in her head and causing doubt to enter in her mind. There is no concrete proof in what both of you saying, yet your voice was so sure. Lin could only focus on what she knows and can do that was keeping the city safe. What do you and Mako know that she hasn’t picked up on. 

[scarletwitchsrevenge]

My thoughts on the Loki show

At first, I genuinely liked it. That was until I started to rewatch each episode and looked into Loki’s character, his decisions, his way of behaving. Then it got slightly ruined for me. Then it wasn’t the same as WandaVision or FATWS, even though you can’t really compare those three shows since they are all very different from each other. 

I had just waited for months for this show, to see one of my comfort characters again. But it felt disappointing, not gonna lie.

They ruined Loki’s character arc and I felt like the writers and producers didn’t really understand Loki’s behaviour and personality, and I feel like if Tom Hiddleston got more involved, it would’ve been better. 

His actions and demeanour are so different from what we have previously seen. His lines are much more funnier and light than in the other movies, besides for Thor: Ragnarok that was after the Loki in Endgame was already captured by the TVA. 

Except for Ragnarok, Loki isn’t as energetic, flamboyant, and mischevious in the movies, at least not in the same way, as he was in the show. I feel like they over exaggerated his behaviour and the mischevious side of him. 

In the other movies, he was, of course, mischevious but in a more sly and natural way than in the show. Some examples could be when he winked at Tony and turned into Cap. For me, it’s a bit too much, especially if you watch Avengers, Thor, and Thor: The Dark World. You can really see the changes that he got in the show and I’m not really a big fan of that.

And then there is the whole Loki and Sylvie thing that I really don’t like. If he really falls in love with Sylvie, it shows just how narcissistic he really is. It shows how he hasn’t changed and, for me, it goes against his past behaviour in the show. In the show, they are trying to give him a redemption, showing us how he can be funny, light, carefree, and how he is not as evil, misunderstood and sly as he was in the movies. So I can’t help but feel like they are going against what the writers have been trying to show us; how Loki is a better person and how he has changed. But if he falls in love with another version of himself, has he really?

We also need to reconsider that he is in a new situation, one that he has never been in before. So of course, he is going to act a bit different, be different. He didn’t expect to show up in the TVA and that would throw a lot of people off-balance, just as it did with Loki. So even though I, and many other people, are not a fan of his actions and behaviour in the show, we have to think about that. Think about how we would react, we would probably react the same way, if not worse. So it can be slightly justified and to satisfy yourself, you can always imagine that Loki most likely got a plan and a reason for his behaviour in the show.

But just because his character arc and his behaviour is not satisfying enough as a Loki stan, does not mean that the show isn’t great. It is. 

I love the visuals, the new characters (especially Mobius), the new places, the whole idea about one timeline and other branches. But what I love the most, is all of the things they are setting up in the upcoming movies and shows. Especially Doctor Strange: MOM.

My overall opinion on the show is pretty neutral. I don’t love it, I don’t hate it. I just wished that they would have painted Loki’s character different in the show. He finally got his own show but he doesn’t act like himself. Not the Loki I know and the Loki I have fallen in love with as a character. But maybe they’ll figure that out in season two, we’ll see.

I love Tom Hiddleston’s acting as Loki and I really hope that the next show will be his last appearance as Loki. I hope that he’ll show up in some upcoming movies and shows, especially in the next Doctor Strange movie. 

But before you’ll start to hate on me, remember this is my opinion on the show and that you are welcome to have your own. You are also welcome to tell me your opinion on the show and his character arc, it would be very interesting. 

[seriouslyhooked]

Feels Like This (Part 7)

Emma Swan is a once lost girl who is now making good. She has made a way in the world for her and her young son, Henry, and after years of hard work, Emma is in her last stretch of schooling for the career she’s always wanted. Unexpectedly, she finds herself in a tiny nation no one’s ever heard of for her last year of study. She knows nothing about the place except that it’s beautiful, has a world-renowned child life program, and is filled with possibility. Meanwhile, Prince Killian is hardly happy with the title he received at birth. As the second in line for the crown, Killian has long tried shaking his royal duties. He built a career in the royal navy, and has stayed out of the limelight, but his ship has been called to port indefinitely at the request of his brother, the King. Fate (in her many forms) brings Emma and Killian together and the resulting fic is a cute, fluffy, trope filled romp featuring heart felt moments, a healthy dose of insta-love and an assured happily ever after. Story rated M and will have 12 parts. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6. Available on FF Here and AO3 Here.

A/N: Hey everyone. I know that some of you must hate my guts after last week, and I couldn’t even begin to blame you for that, but I promise I will make things better this week. I hate to linger in the drama, and as such we get a resolution this chapter. That’s not saying the road will be easy, but hopefully it’ll pack some great feels and will end with a bit of forgiveness, not just for CS, but with us too. I’ll wait to see what you all think on that forgiveness part, but without further delay, here’s the next chapter of ‘Feels Like This.’

Agony. That was the emotion clinging to his body and soul through the rest of the processions. From the moment he saw Emma, and took in the range of emotions on her beautiful face, he realized she somehow hadn’t read his letter. Despite the assurances from Jefferson’s team that Emma had spoken with a member of the royal guard herself, had taken custody of the letter, and understood it was important, there was clearly a breakdown in that story. The shock in her eyes was too potent for her to have had any kind of heads up. She was torn apart and hurting, and it was all because of him.

This was a miserable and soul wrenching mistake, a slowly traveling crash in which he had been the operator, and the worst part was that he couldn’t go to her and try to explain himself. He tried to, stopped the horse, and was ready to go to her, consequences be damned, but Liam’s order was clear and he was bound to follow. As such, Killian had been in excruciating pain for hours. He spent the rest of the day imagine how hurt she must be. If he felt like this, undoubtedly her heart ached even more. And still, throughout all of this, there was no one to blame but himself. He alone was the one who had hurt Emma this way. His choice to be selfish and to wait in telling her had opened the doors to her heartbreak, and in all his life he’d never made a decision, or rather a series of decisions, he regretted so resolutely.

He would never, as long as he lived, and forever thereafter, forget the look in Emma’s eyes when she saw him from the crowd. The alarm of her expression was a knife to the chest, and then the waves of hurt and embarrassment and grief that came after laid all his sense of self respect to waste. He had done that to her. He had made her gorgeous face stain with disbelief and discomfort. He’d caused the anxiety and the sadness that were clear as day in her eyes. He’d undoubtedly ruined a day with her son, something that she cherished and had been excited about for weeks. And most importantly he shattered her trust in him and in herself. That part especially killed him. To see the moment where she came to believe that she’d been had, that he’d somehow meant for things to go so badly, that was the worst of all. Emma was brilliant and strong and sure of herself, and he’d diminished that by withholding who he was. He’d never forgive himself for that grave sin.

This wasn’t to say that his ire was limited. He was enraged with himself, but he was also furious with Liam. Keeping him from going to her in that moment may have been the ‘smart’ thing to do, but Killian couldn’t look past the fact that it was also the ‘proper’ thing as well. On a better day, and in a less tumultuous time, he would believe in his brother’s goodness. He’d give Liam the benefit of the doubt and imagine that the call to keep him in the procession was made to protect Emma and not to keep him from making a scene, but he was hardly rational right now. Instead, Killian was desperate, and as soon as the parade was over, he dismounted from his horse and rushed into the castle, disregarding all the staff who tried to help him. He stopped only to thank his grandmother for the distraction she’d provided and remained focused on his mission.

The only thing he could think right now was that he had to get to Emma. He’d go to her like this, dressed in this royal monkey suit, if that wouldn’t be yet another afront to her. She’d been slapped with the reality of who he was hours ago, and he would never try and throw that in her face again. He made it to his rooms in record time, and didn’t bother to even close the door as he went about changing, all the while brainstorming how he would get to her and make this right.

“I know you’re angry with me,” Liam said. Killian hadn’t even realized he was followed by his brother and he was even more angered by the lack of privacy. He bit back a snarl that was very unlike him but came naturally at this moment. “But there was no other way.”

“No other way?” Killian asked, a hollow laugh escaping as he shook his head at his brother’s words. “You might be the king, brother, but you’re a bloody fool if you believe that.”

“Killian I was only trying -,”

“Don’t!” Killian yelled, interrupting him before Liam could say something he didn’t want to hear. “I swear to you, Liam, if you so much as attempt to justify this, if you even think about bringing up my duty to this family, you will regret it.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise.”

“Well luckily for me I was going to do neither.”

Killian glared at his brother but then disregarded him. He had the change of clothes he needed and made quick work of removing the starched pants and suit jacket. In under a minute he was dressed in jeans and a casual shirt, more normal attire that Emma had seen him in at the center. But just the thought of it made a lump form in his throat. What if all of this was over? What if he’d ruined everything? What if she could never find a way to forgive him?

“Okay I lied. I was going to make excuses, forgive me.”

“Forgiveness from me means nothing,” Killian said, deadly serious. “When I myself am unforgivable.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“You have no idea who I am or what I am capable of. You think I was just gallivanting around the globe all these years, brother? No – there is darkness in me, sins on my soul I’ll live with every day, and now the worst among them is what I’ve done to Emma. The nightmares and memories of war I could live with. It’s not easy, but it can be done,” Killian said, expelling his breath quickly and wanting to get off this topic that he purposefully never discussed with family. “But what I did today, and what you commanded me to do… it’s a bridge too far.”

“So this isn’t all about your title, then. That’s not the only thing you’re hiding from her.”

Ice ran through Killian’s veins at Liam’s assessment, but his brother wasn’t wrong. There was a lot he hadn’t yet revealed to Emma. He always made the excuse that their stolen moments together were too fleeting, or that it wasn’t the right time to discuss such heavy things, but the truth was he was kidding himself. He’d wanted to gloss over the bad parts, which wasn’t fair to Emma or to him.

“I’m not good enough for her. The things I’ve seen and done have stained me. They made me different – they’ll always haunt me. But this,” Killian said waving around his rooms, which were so ornate that the French aristocrats of old would gasp in the face of them, “She deserves so much more than I can give her. This world is too demanding with too little wiggle room. She’ll feel trapped here. She’ll resent it. But I can’t let her go. I’ve never…” he trailed off, trying to put into words how Emma made him feel. “I’ve never felt like I was exactly where I’m meant to be; not here, not abroad. But with her there is no question. I’m the man I wish I was, the man I want to be.”

Liam was quiet a long moment, looking at Killian with a mix of emotions on his familiar face. There was concern to be sure, and sadness for Killian which he did not want. He didn’t want sympathy. He knew he wasn’t normal, in the regular sense of the world, but he didn’t want pity for that. Yet beyond that there was also a warmth in Liam’s looks, and when his brother spoke, his tone was open and honest.

“I saw you two today. I watched the exchange you had out there. The things you feel are not one sided. She loves you too. That was clear.”

God Killian wished that that were true, but even if it was, he didn’t know if love could survive this moment. It was a cruel thing, to taste real hope and have it stolen from you by your own missteps, but he had a sinking feeling that was to be his fate.

“My choices and my actions have likely destroyed those feelings,” Killian said, the lump forming in his throat so tight it made it hard to speak.

“I’m not so certain. She’s clearly going to give you the chance to explain yourself, and that alone speaks volumes.”

“And what would I even say?” Killian asked, putting words to his great fear. “There’s nothing I can say that can make this okay. I didn’t lie to her, I made sure never to do so, but a lie of omission is just as bad.”

“Is it though? I mean you’re not a criminal, Killian.”

“No, I’m a prince!” he yelled, the word hanging around them long after he’d screamed it into the room. His chest heaved as he caught his breath and slowly he calmed but he never felt better. “You don’t know Emma as I do, Liam. She’s not the kind of woman who’s going to see this development as desirable. She has no fairytale ambitions, no dreams of the spotlight. She’s a woman trying to make a way in the world for her and her son. She wants a good life for her boy, a healthy and happy home, a decent chance at love, and a partner. She wants a man who can walk by her side and chart the path she’s built for them, she doesn’t want… this,” he said sadly gesturing at the grandeur around them. “And she certainly doesn’t want the scars of my past tossed in as well.”

“Well how can you know that if you’ve never even asked her?”

“I know.”

“Oh rubbish!”

The words from the doorway had both Killian and Liam turning and low and behold there was Gran and his mother. These two women, who had always been his fiercest advocates and caretakers looked upon him with such fierceness of emotion. His mother looked distressed but her love was still tangible. She also didn’t appear to be confused, and in her blue eyes he saw understanding even in her alarm. He was surprised that she was even aware of the situation, but then he turned to Gran and remembered how much the woman could say in a short amount of time. She’d no doubt told his mother, and now, despite her age and smaller stature, his Gran was poised for a fight and looked downright pissed. She was a force riled up this way, and he readied himself for a verbal lashing.

“All you know is that you made a mistake, a series of them if you want to get particular,” Gran said shaking her head. “But here’s a scary truth for you, my boy, we all make mistakes. There’s not a person in this room who has not wounded someone they love. Hurt them in a way they’ll regret to their last breath. It’s a terrible thing, but it is life. People are flawed and our time on this earth is messy. We can’t all be perfect. We can only try to be better.”

“I don’t deserve her forgiveness, Gran,” Killian said, not bothering to waste energy with diversions and denial. This was his great fear, and it slipped past his lips as if she’d forced he confess. “I’m not worth it.”

“Oh, Killian,” his mother said sadly, but his Gran held her hand out towards his mother, a silent show for her to wait. With purposeful steps, his grandmother approached him. She came in close, and he wanted to look anywhere but in the eyes of his family. She was uninterested in that avoidance though, and she put a dainty, wrinkled hand to his cheek. He looked up to her and watched as she took in a deep breath. Instinctively he did the same. Then they both let them go together. It was a remnant of his childhood, a tactic that helped calm him whenever he’d felt small and overwhelmed by their world. Gran always knew and she always helped, and even now, at this lowest point, it granted him a small comfort.

“My dear, I’ve always imagined you to be sensible and smart. Please, for the love of all that is good, do not prove me wrong,” Gran said, her voice softer but no less determined. “If you do not deserve her forgiveness, then you must earn it. You are not defined by a few bad choices you made, or by the scars that life has granted. You are more than the mistakes of your past and your present. You are a man, a complicated, loving, and ever-learning man. You have done wrong. You have caused pain. You have shielded the full truth. Now admit that, repent for that, and show her you will never make a mistake like this again. She’s a brilliant woman. A little guarded, but that’s to be expected with all that she’s known. Show her who you really are. Remind her why she took a chance in the first place.”

“I don’t even know where she is,” he admitted. He’d checked his phone and tried to call Emma as soon as the procession was far enough from public eyes, but she’d shut the bloody thing off, no surprise. God, he just hoped she was safe. He was worried about her, knowing that she must be fragile after the realizations she’d faced today.

“Go to the Center, darling,” his mother said softly, having made her own approach, and taking his hand and holding close. “There’s the party tonight that you mentioned.”

“More importantly her friends are there, that Elsa girl for one, as are the children she’s grown to love. No better place to start your search,” his Gran argued.  

Killian knew they were right and without any more thought, and with only a few swift goodbyes, he headed out to find his Swan. It meant a lot to Killian to have the support of his family, and there was a tiny flickering of hope at their words and advice, but he had to get moving before he lost his nerve. He couldn’t keep talking about this, he had to do something. Only after he was out of his quarters and in the car headed for the institute did he realize something – his family knew way too much about Emma and her habits. Liam he understood, but his mother, and especially his grandmother. Something was afoot there, but he’d have to save that for another time. For right now all he could do was work to get to Emma.

The drive to the institute was faster than normal but it felt like it took an eternity. When he finally got there, he was greeted by playing children and general merriment. The festivities were starting soon, and Emma’s original plan had been to come by when she and Henry were done at the beach. Perhaps he’d get lucky and she’d already be here, he looked around and finally saw someone who might know.

“Elsa, have you seen Emma today?”

“She’s not coming,” Elsa said and Killian’s heart dropped. “She called to say she and Henry couldn’t make it.”

“All right, well do you know where she is, in the meantime? I’ve tried to call her and I really need to speak with her. It’s… well you see… something, um -,”

“She told me what happened,” Elsa said, filling him both with relief and dread all at once.

“Elsa, I -,”

“How could you not tell her?” Elsa asked, not yelling for the sake of any children who might hear, but clearly mad. In fact, Killian had never seen Elsa so much as cross before, so this anger was truly something to behold, unexpected as it was. “Do you know how upset she was? Do you know what it must feel like for her? She deserved to know that, and you should have told her.”

“Elsa, I’m sorry –“

“Don’t tell me that. Tell her!” Elsa said, exasperated but then she let out a sigh and Killian noticed her eyes were misting over. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get so mad. Realistically I know it must not be that simple. It’s just that Emma is my friend, and I never imagined that she didn’t know who you were. Marie told the rest of us what was going on. We were all briefed the day you came, I long assumed Emma was too. Then I began to wonder, but you two were so close, she had to know. When she called today, I could hear the sting of her betrayal. She really had no idea. She was blindsided.”

“I never meant for her to get hurt, Elsa.”

“But surely you must have known she would find out. It was only a matter of time, and you had weeks to break it to her, but you chose not to.”

“I tried, a hundred times, I really did. But we were always here. There were always things that needed doing and children underfoot. And even in the quiet moments… I could have found a way, Elsa, but I couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at me differently. I can’t explain what she means to me, what her seeing me for me has granted me.”

“Even if that’s true it doesn’t change the outcome,” Elsa said sadly. “She needed to know. When were you going to tell her?”

“I was going to tell her tomorrow on our date.”

“You were going on a date? Like an actual date?” Elsa squeaked out, seemingly surprised at the information. “Tomorrow? Oh my goodness, that’s why she wanted me to watch Henry.”

“Aye,” Killian said, curious as to why Emma hadn’t mentioned that part to Elsa.

“I can’t believe you finally asked her. So if you’re asking her on a date, are you serious about her?” He nodded, trying to silently convey the words he wanted to save for Emma. He regretted that it had slipped out with his family before. The first person to know that he loved Emma should be Emma, and despite his quiet non-response, Elsa began to understand that. “And you swear to me that you were going to tell her tomorrow?”

“I give you my word, Elsa. I even sent her a letter this morning before everything happened. It wasn’t enough but it was all I could do.”

“She didn’t mention a letter,” Elsa said shaking her head. “So chances are she never got it.” His heart bled at that confirmation.

“I take full responsibility for her pain, Elsa. I know I am in the wrong. The blame lies entirely with  me. But please, believe me when I tell you that I will do everything in my power to make it up to her. No matter what it takes. She’s the most important thing to me.”

Elsa looked him over, critically trying to assess whether or not he could be trusted. He hoped beyond hope that he would live up to Elsa’s scrutiny, because he was now relying on what else Elsa might know to find Emma and make amends. When she finally nodded, silently accepting his words as truth, he let out a shaky breath. He wanted to ask her where he could find Emma since she wasn’t coming by, but he didn’t have to, she imparted everything she knew on him. Where she was (which was home), what she was doing (making dinner for her and Henry after their beach day), and what he could bring to start to try and make amends (the special dessert that cook was making that both Emma and Henry were desperate for). Killian appreciated all the help, and as he stood in the back with Elsa, waiting on the sweet treats to be wrapped for delivery, he felt a tug at his hand. Looking down he saw Cecelia, who was offering him a shy smile.

“Hello, little love. How are you doing this evening?” Cecelia let out a giggle at his formalities, something he’d grown to learn that she liked over the past few weeks.

“We had dinner, and cake, and we are playing. Pirates and princesses!” she said excitedly. “Do you want to play, Killy?”

The name that Cecelia had begun to use for him, which only his family ever called him, made him happy, in spite of the circumstances. He smiled at the never-ending charm this little girl had, and at her sweet disposition and thoughtfulness.

“Unfortunately, I can’t stay. I’m on a mission you see.”

“A mission?” She asked excitedly. “What kind of mission?”

“I did something that was not very nice, but I feel very badly about what I did. So I am going to say I’m sorry. And I am going to also bring this, as a token of my apology.”

“What’s a token?” Cecelia asked.

“It’s like a little symbol or present. I want to show I’m thinking of the person who I upset.”

“You should bring flowers,” Cecelia said immediately, dragging him as hard as a five-year-old could drag a full-grown man. “Here, these is my favorite.”

Killian followed the little girl to the meadow and watched as she plucked flower after flower until it made a perfectly imperfect bouquet. At one point she let out a little chirping sound of glee, he asked her what had made her so excited and she showed him the yellow flower she had found.

“These are my Emma’s favorites.”

“Well let’s get some more of those then.”

He thanked his lucky stars that Cecelia didn’t ask more about who he had offended. He could only imagine how sad she would be to discover it was Emma, but as he worked to retrieve the flowers with her, Killian solemnly vowed again that he would make amends. This might not be nearly enough to do so, but it was a start, and no matter what it took, he would eventually find a way to win Emma back again. As soon as he had the blossoms in hand, and the dessert with the help of Elsa, Killian was ready to go, but as he looked back out to the car with his driver and took another look at his detail his stomach sank. He didn’t want to do any of this with an audience. He didn’t want the flagrant reminder of why they were different thrown in Emma’s face.

“You know, Elsa and I got really good at ditching our bodyguards when we were kids,” a voice said, and Killian looked over to see Anna, Elsa’s sister, who he also knew to be a good friend of Emma’s and kind to him personally.

“Anna!”

“Oh shoot, pretend you didn’t hear that!” Anna said, her face suddenly sobering. “Seriously, don’t repeat that. To anyone. Ever.”

“I won’t,” he said, curious as to why the sisters would have ever needed their own bodyguards. It was a strange thing, especially seeing where they were now in their lives, but he knew full well it was not his business. “But I hope you mentioned it to offer a suggestion. I’ll take any tricks of the trade, so to speak.”

Anna let out a sigh of relief before looking over his shoulder. “Gus is the main one watching you today, right? The others are stationed outside?” Killian nodded. “Excellent – totally lucked into that one.”

“How so?” Killian asked and Elsa filled in, shocking him further.

“Gus is a great guy, very capable, but easily distracted. He sat down a full twenty minutes for Eloise to make him an origami frog last week. Barely kept tabs on you the whole time.”

“You noticed that?”

“We notice everything,” Anna said with a smile, before pulling out two of the flowers in his chosen bouquet and tossing them away. On second thought they didn’t exactly match, but he didn’t have the chance to thank Anna before she was giving him another gift. “I’ve got a moped in the shed out front. It’s speedy, efficient and has a helmet and saddle bag. You can fit everything inside and get to Emma in five minutes flat. We’ll keep Gus distracted.”

“For how long?” Killian asked and Elsa and Anna exchanged a look.

“Thirty minutes, easy. But if we hit him with a meal from Cook, could be longer.”

“I owe you two, royally.” The two sisters laughed at his words and he groaned. “Pun not intended, but you take my meeting.”

“Two I-O-Us from our neighborhood Captain and Prince. We’ll take it.”

“Call it even if you make it up to Emma,” Elsa agreed, and Killian nodded his head. Then he watched as Anna grabbed his flowers and the dessert and made a big show of asking him for his help on the third floor. He understood her ruse and agreed, at the same time that he nodded to Gus and Elsa moved over to his guard. She struck up a conversation with him, bringing in some of the kids, and quickly Killian and Anna snuck out, getting the moped in record time.

“Emma lives only a few blocks away,” Anna said, writing out the address that she read off of her phone. He was grateful for that as he’d sent the letter this morning through a royal courier. He hadn’t actually known her address, but relied on Jefferson’s intel to get it there. “Here. Do you know where that is?”

“I do,” Killian said, relieved as all hell for that. “Thank you, Anna. Without you and Elsa…”

“Just keep your promise. Make things right with Emma,” Anna said, shooing him away as she stood guard, making sure no one was aware of their deceit.

As he drove out of the front gate, Killian felt free, and he rode as fast as he could without risking his life to get to Emma. Soon enough he was at her building. He parked the bike, and with shaky hands gathered his items of penance. It wasn’t enough, but he hoped it could be a start. Quickly he moved up the front steps, schooling his breathing, and hoping beyond hope she’d open the door. He knocked three times, the heavy metal of the knocker sounding out against the wood. Thud. Thud. Thud. His heart was racing, his mind outpaced it, and seconds stood still until he heard the sound of feet behind the door. A subtle pause, a bated breath, and then…

……………….

Never in her nearly thirty years of life did Emma Swan ever encounter a situation like this one. The drama and the intrigue, the secrets and a big reveal, it was exhausting and complex. In truth it was too much to comprehend, and as a result she was currently standing in her kitchen, staring aimlessly into the refrigerator, and wondering what the hell was going on.

It started with a pretty simple premise: girl meets boy at a new job. That part she had no real trouble understanding. People met every day and sparks flew, that was pretty normal. Not so much for a single mom who was always barely treading water, but it could happen. Theoretically she always had a chance of meeting a man who was interesting and captivating and funny and smooth.

Stage two was also somewhat familiar: girl falls for boy. It was less likely, but still believable. She had never felt any significant pull to a guy except for Henry’s Dad, and even looking past the horrible way that relationship turned out, the feelings were not the same. That love was grounded in need, a need for connection and for love and for family. She was without a center, and Neal was a way to build her world around someone else. With Killian it was different. Emma liked the idea of finding love, but she had no need to build a world around someone else because she already had so much in her life and she understood and loved herself so much more than she had as a girl. Instead, with Killian, she felt a kinship and an undercurrent of possibility. Killian had jolted her out of the small life she was leading and made her dream of more. It was exciting and new, and though she never really expected love like that to come, she knew that it was technically possible for her to feel for someone again. She hadn’t anticipated it, but it could happen, and with Killian it did.  

The next part though, that was what killed her and was completely and totally bat shit crazy: boy turns out to be prince of a tiny coastal nation that no one’s ever heard of, but is heaven on earth. Like… what? What the what?!

This was the making of some cheesy movie or romance book, but it was never anyone’s actual life. Even when girls met princes, they always knew from the jump that they were a prince. But Emma? Oh no, she had to be the one in 7-something billion to completely miss the memo. Okay actually that wasn’t quite right. Most of the issue here was that no one outside of Montenarro knew about this country, let alone its monarchs. Still, she was surrounded by people who were aware of the truth: Elsa, Anna, Marco, Marie. The list went on and on and on, and yet at no point did anyone ever think to let her in on this giant, gaping, gargantuan secret.

Of course, the person who really should have said something was Killian, and for hours Emma had wondered what the hell he was thinking by not telling her. Like sure, maybe it wasn’t polite to introduce yourself as Prince Killian of Montenarro from the jump, and yeah, he was clearly trying to fly under the radar with the kids, probably to make them feel more connected and not separated by status, but it was unfathomable that he would never have brought this up. Especially given the fact that he was in a nationally watched parade today. How did he possibly think she was going to miss that? And more importantly, how could she trust him, or anyone else for that matter, after they’d kept this from her for so long? She thought back to her phone call to the institute earlier where she’d told everyone she and Henry couldn’t make it. She didn’t plan to say anything, hoping to hide the shame of being so stupid, but Elsa could tell something was up, and when she asked Emma couldn’t deny it…

“Are you sure that you’re all right, Emma? It’s not like you to miss something like this and I know that Henry and you have both been looking forward to this. Are you sick? Can we bring you something? Anna or I can come and -,”

“It’s not like that,” Emma admitted, taking in a shaky breath before blurting out a question that had bothered her all day. “Why didn’t you tell me, Elsa?”

“Tell you what?” her friend asked, seriously perplexed.

“About Killian.”

“Emma, I’m sorry, I’m not following you here. What happened with Killian?”

“I saw him today at the parade.”

“Oh I know he called here, just in case we played it on television. He doesn’t want the first time the kids hear to be through the parade. He wants to tell them himself, which I respect.”

“Well I wish he’d had the same regard for me.”

“Regard for – wait, Emma, you didn’t know?”

“No,” Emma admitted, grateful that Henry was putting his beach stuff away upstairs. She had a little privacy and the sadness of this moment could air without her son knowing her pain. “I had literally no idea and now I feel like an idiot because we were there, Henry and I, and I saw Killian and he saw me, and it’s just… it’s like I’m too heartbroken to be mad. Does that make sense?”

“Oh, Emma,” Elsa said, and Emma closed her eyes, willing the unshed tears to go away. She couldn’t break down right now. She just couldn’t, but she would if she continued to think about this. “If I had ever thought in a million years that he would be so careless, I would have told you from the start. Anna and I wondered if you realized in the beginning, and we weren’t totally sure, but we thought maybe if you didn’t know then he was waiting for the right moment. It was hard to tell because maybe he had told you and you and you were keeping things private. I thought for sure he would have told you whenever you got a real moment one on one, and you’ve had a few the past few weeks. It never occurred to me that you were still in the dark. I never imagined…”

“It’s not your fault, Elsa,” Emma said, fending off the tears that threatened to come in the face of this bad moment.

“Has he tried to reach out to you? To explain himself?”

“I haven’t checked,” Emma admitted. “I called you on the land line here. My phone’s been off all day.”

“Don’t you want to hear what he has to say?”

“Of course I do,” she admitted. Knowing it was true. She wanted answers, and she also wanted to understand. Why had he done this? What was he possibly thinking?

“So why -,”

“Because what if there is nothing to say?” Emma interrupted, her biggest fear revealed. “I mean he’s a prince, Elsa, and I’m just… me.”

“You’re not just anything, Emma,” Elsa said determinedly. “You are brilliant and wonderful, and let me tell you something, titles and nobility don’t mean anything. The merit of a person resides in their heart, not in a crown.”

Emma appreciated her friend’s faith in her, and she didn’t think much of how adamantly opposed Elsa seemed to the exultation of nobility. Still, she felt unanchored right now. She’d really begun to feel that connection with Killian was something special, and it was impossible not to question all of it in the face of a secret this big. Because this was big. Really big. Honestly it was -

“Mom?”  Emma jumped at the sound of Henry’s voice and she looked over to her son who had a curious look on his face. She closed the fridge door, unsure of how long it had been open, but her attempt to cover herself didn’t go unnoticed. “You okay?”

“I’m fine, kid. What’s up?”

“There’s someone at the door. They knocked twice already. I’d answer it but you know the whole stranger danger, different country thing.”

“Right,” Emma said wiping her hands down her shirt and preparing to greet whoever it was.  She suspected it was Elsa or Anna. After Elsa had told her that she was absolutely Killian’s equal regardless of status, both Elsa and Anna had been on the phone, telling her to be strong and have faith in herself. They were both hopeful but also incredibly sympathetic, and despite Emma’s protests, both had mentioned sending some cake this way for her and Henry. Still she didn’t want to see anyone. Okay that was true she only wanted to see one person, but as she moved to open the door, she knew it wouldn’t be – wait, Killian? Oh God, he was here. Like actually here.

“Emma,” he said, his voice filled with equal parts relief and anguish.

“You’re here,” Emma said, dumbfounded. She never in a million years expected him to actually come to her house, not after the parade today and realizing who he was. The reminder of his real identity had her looking to the street. What kind of scene was being made for him to come here? But then when she looked there was no one outside, and nothing but a moped on the street. Only then did she realize the helmet he carried.  “Where’s your detail?”

“I ditched them. Didn’t want to draw attention.”

“You ditched them?” Emma parroted, not following him. “Is that an option?”

“I made it one,” Killian said, determinedly. “Look, Emma, I know that what I’ve done is unforgiveable. I said that in the letter this morning.”

“Letter?” Emma asked and finally understanding dawned on her. That thing she thought was an invitation in her tote bag… that had held answers all along. God, seriously? What a mess, and here she’d been thinking on this for hours and maybe there were some answers already in her grasp. But whether or not that was true it was too late now. “That was from you. I thought it was from the institute.”

“So you never read it,” he said and she shook her head and Killian grimaced before straightening his stance and diving into what the letter must have said. “It hardly matters. A letter could never be enough to right what I’ve done. I know I should have told you who I was from the start, and having things go so badly today when what we have is so good… it damn near kills me to know I’ve ruined things before they’ve even had a chance to really form. But I swear to you, on everything I hold dear, that I never meant to hurt you, Emma.”

Now the tears were back, misting over in her eyes and she couldn’t try and stop them. Today had been so crazy and she was stressed and angry and sad. But the look in Killian’s eyes as he tracked her sadness broke something else inside her. His longing and his sorrow were so palpable. She knew, even without his words that he was truly sorry, and when he moved toward her, taking her hand, she didn’t pull away. She stayed there, too caught up in feelings to speak, and allowing him to try and explain some more.

“I know my words can’t possibly be enough, Emma. I would never expect them to be. I’ve been foolish and I’ve been daft, and Lord knows I would give anything the world over to take back the pain I caused you. It’s the last thing I would ever want. You deserve so much better, and God above, I am sorry Emma. So deeply, truly sorry. I want to show you how sorry I am. I want to make this right. I know asking you for anything is unthinkable. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or a second chance, but I can’t walk away, love. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t think I could bear it.”

What could she say to such a statement, such bold claims of caring about her and regretting what he’d done? She had so much to say. She was angry and hurt and embarrassed, but underneath all that she still felt the pull that was there before. Despite everything that had happened, she couldn’t help but look into his blue eyes and feel like there was magic here between them. Her heartbeat skipped out of time, and her hands grew shaky. She didn’t know whether she wanted to slap him or kiss him. Honestly, she probably wanted to do both. Still, the only thought ringing in her head was that he was here. He’d come to her, for her, and he was really, actually here.

“Who is it, Mom?” Henry’s question from behind her made her jump, and without thinking she stepped away from Killian’s hold before Henry could see their hands joined together. Jesus, this was all going so crazy so fast, and then Henry’s eyes lit up and he gasped. “Wait, aren’t you… you’re the prince! You were at the parade today.”

“Aye, lad,” Killian said, and though he aimed a kind smile at her son, Emma could tell it took everything in Killian not to wince at the pronouncement.

“But what are you doing here? What’s going on, Mom?” Henry looked to her and Emma looked between him and Killian trying to figure out how to play this.

“Killian and I, um, work together.”

“Wait this is Killian?” Henry asked, and Emma felt her cheeks flush as her son gave away the fact that she’d talked of him at home. “You said he was a Captain in the navy, but I didn’t know he was a Prince!”

Neither did I, Emma thought, but she was at a loss for words. Luckily Killian stepped in.

“At the institute I’ve been blessed to be as I am. I’m not a prince there. I’m just a man. Just Killian.”

“That must be hard sometimes,” Henry said, surprising both Emma and Killian with the words. “Being a prince, I mean. I mean it’s cool, but a lot of responsibility, I bet.”

“Aye, lad. Truth be told I’m not always up to my familial role,” Killian confessed, making Emma’s heart ache with the sincerity he displayed. “Some have said I’m not particularly good at being a prince. I can’t disagree with the sentiment.”

“How are you at making pizza?” Henry asked, completely changing the subject on a dime, in the way only a kid could. Henry showed absolutely no intimidation in the face of meeting royalty. He was completely relaxed, stunning Emma with his nonchalance.

“Erm, well, I wouldn’t really know,” Killian said, his hand moving through his hair in a gesture of uncertainty. “I can’t actually recall ever making my own.”

“That’s okay, it’s easy. Mom’s a master at it. She can show you. Right, Mom?”

“Henry, Killian probably has other things he has to do.” She looked to him trying to assure him that he did not need to indulge her son. But when her eyes met Killian’s she was yet again surprised at the hope she found there. He wasn’t running for the hills or jonesing to get away and back to the palace. In fact, he looked excited at the prospect.

“Actually,” Killian said, hedging a moment making, silently making sure she wasn’t trying to give him the brush off. She purposefully kept quiet, thus giving him permission to make his own call. “There’s no place I’d rather be than here, making pizza as it were.”

“Really?” Emma asked and Killian nodded before motioning to the box he was carrying that she hadn’t paid any mind to before.

“Aye, and I come bearing an offering of sorts. Elsa and Anna send their regards, and cook’s coveted cake.”

“Wohoo!!” Henry yelled, whooping with joy as he pulled Killian inside, dragging him to the kitchen to get dinner underway. For Emma’s part she was still hesitant. This was not something she ever expected, and it was not smart to let Henry get attached to Killian when she didn’t even know what was going to happen between them. But the fact that Elsa and Anna had sent him her way was an endorsement, and if they trusted him after she’d been so honest about her pain today, she didn’t think she should fully close the door on this.

What ensued after that was a few hours of strangely perfect intimacy. Despite the newness, and how much was still unsaid between them, Emma watched Killian and Henry truly bond. He may not have much experience in the kitchen, but Killian was a quick learner, and more than anything he was attentive. He met Henry’s enthusiasm with appreciation and support, and when her kid chattered on all night, Killian only seemed to enjoy himself more. Watching all of this, and knowing that Killian had every intention of speaking to her when they were alone, made Emma’s heart soften, and though she was still scared shitless about his being a prince, she felt her defenses waning at the night went on. Even in the middle of such a mess, this man was perfectly imperfect. He was flawed, and he had acted badly, but he was good still, with a heart so big and kind she couldn’t help but wish for more nights like this, both for her and for Henry. In spite of who he was, Killian seemed to fit here, and hours later, when Henry was readying for bed and had bid them both goodnight, Emma wanted to find a way to say that even while she held him accountable for what he’d done.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking, Swan, you should say it. I promise you I can handle it. No need to mince words or hold back,” he said, showing once again just how much he understood her. She closed her eyes, steadying her breath, willing the questions and the accusations to come, but they didn’t. So instead she said what she felt.

“You’re a prince.”

“I am.”

“Why?”

“Why am I a prince?” he asked, confused.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because if it were up to me, I wouldn’t be a prince. But beyond that, you saw me,” he replied honestly. “The real me. Not the man the world thinks that I am or that my family thinks I should be. You can’t imagine how that felt, how intoxicating it was, when I hardly even knew myself before I met you.”

“You should have told me.”

“I know, love, and I was going to tomorrow. The plan was to have real time together. I didn’t want it rushed or interrupted. I wanted to break it to you gently, because I knew hearing this would hurt no matter when it came. But believe me, Emma, I never planned to be at the parade today. A public spectacle like that when you didn’t know… it was unfathomable and cruel. But I need you to believe that my hands were tied. It’s a complicated story involving politics and parliament, but suffice it to say my brother needed me, and I could not deny the King. I knew it was wrong, but I was bound by honor to my family. They required my presence and I couldn’t turn away from that. Even so, if I had known you’d see me today, that you and Henry wouldn’t already be tucked away at the beach, I never would have gone.”  

“You still should have told me, Killian,” she stressed, appreciating some of the context, but knowing it didn’t actually change anything. He nodded, his eyes taking on a real pain as he replied.

“You’re right, Emma. I started to tell you a thousand times, but fear and cowardice won out. I was terrified – I am terrified – that the truth will have you running. I told myself if I could just find the right moment, then maybe it would be okay. You’d stay because you knew that wasn’t everything I am. I thought if I could make you care for me as I’ve come to care for you…” his voice trailed off for a moment, but he moved towards her, now close enough to touch yet still an ocean away as he continued his confession. “It was stupid, Emma. But more importantly it was selfish and wrong. Keeping this from you goes against everything I feel for you, everything you bring into my world.”

“What do I bring?” she asked, curious as to why he was going to all this effort and facing these hard questions for her of all people.

“What do you bring?” he asked, his voice edging up like he couldn’t believe she would ask that. “Light, Emma. Light and laughter and peace. I’m dizzy from the sight of you, I hardly think unless my thinking is of you, every day I stand in awe of everything that you are, but still in knowing you I’ve found something that feels essential. You calm me, even as you awaken parts of my being I never knew till now. To put it simply, you bring everything, love. It is I who has little but trouble to offer.”

The swirls of emotion that took flight at hearing him say these things was incomprehensible. It was varied and layered, pulling at things in her heart and her soul that she’d always wanted to be and to feel and to know. She knew that he meant this, knew he was showing her his truth absolutely, and yet the tone of his voice was resigned. He was asking for forgiveness but didn’t believe himself worthy of it. And only part of his belief was because of what he’d done. Heartbreakingly, Emma could see most of it was because of this title, this role he never asked for and clearly didn’t yearn to hold. He thought it made him too removed, too burdensome to love. He didn’t see what she did, that he was more than one crown, one title, one role.

Closing the space between them, Emma’s hands came to touch him. One hand came to his chest, the other cupped his cheek. She felt the beating of his heart, and when he looked at her, she saw this sense of hope in his features. It was like she was a lifeline, a saving grace, and she couldn’t help but smile, and try her best to make him see what really was between them.

“You’re wrong, Killian. You may be trouble, but you are also so much more,” she teased. He huffed out a breath, something that wanted to be a laugh but it wasn’t real. It was mired down by doubt, doubt she needed to ease away for both their sakes. “I won’t lie and say I wasn’t angry or upset. Finding out today like I did hurt me. I can’t change that, and neither can you, but in some ways you were right. My knowing from the start would have made things different. I’d love to say it wouldn’t have, but we both know that it would. I’ve got walls and I’ve got triggers. I’m slow to warm and I play it safe. I don’t think I ever could have been so open if I knew the differences between us. I don’t know if I ever could have believed something real could come from this. Knowing would have made me cautious, and yes I probably would have run if you told me too soon.”

His hands came around her, like just the mention of her running made him need to hold her close. And funny enough she didn’t really mind. She loved this feeling, this connection, this warmth. Even with everything, this felt like a perfect slice of heaven. Nestled in his arms she felt safe, like no storm could come that they couldn’t weather together.

“But even if it’s crazy, and I have a million questions, and I have no idea what the hell dating a prince entails… if the prince in question is you, and if you’re still the man I know, the one who gives more than he takes, the one who faces each new challenge, and the one who kissed me yesterday like I’ve never been kissed before… then I don’t want to run. I’m still in this, Killian. The only question is, are you?”

No sooner had she posed the query than his lips crashed down on hers, telling her everything she needed to know without saying anything at all. As life-altering as yesterday’s kiss had been, it was nothing to this. This was a moment shared by two people who had said so much and left it all on the line. There was only want, and desire, and need. She felt it coil from deep within her, radiating through her whole body, and by the time they came up for air she was flooded with the sense that nothing and no one could ever make her feel like this. Killian held the key to this sensation, and it was worth the risk of heartbreak to try and take a chance with him.

“I’ll never have the words to tell you how remarkable you are, Emma. How you revive my very being, and how miraculous it is to feel the way I do when I’m with you,” he said, pushing a wayward strand of hair back behind her ear as he gazed upon her, smiling and joyful and full of relief. “But I aim to show you, Swan. Today and every day I’ll do my best to remind you of all that you are, and all that you mean to me.”

“Good,” she whispered, stealing another taste of him. He growled into the kiss, quickly taking it over and she melted into him again, forgetting everything and living only in the now.

“I hope this all means we’re still on for our date tomorrow,” he said when they came apart again and she nodded, feeling a blush spread over her cheeks.

“I’m still game,” she answered, biting back a groan at her attempt at being casual. It was so corny, but screw it. He didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was looking at her like she hung the moon and the sun and the stars.

“You’re certainly something, love,” Killian said smirking at her in that sexy way and kissing her again. She melted into the embrace but when they broke apart once more, she admitted another fear she had.

“I may be bad at this,” Emma warned.

“You, bad? I don’t believe that’s possible,” Killian said, his voice warm and lush and happy in the face of this second chance.

“I’m not great at dating generally. It never turns out well in the end.”

“For me either,” he confessed. “But I suppose that’s because we’ve never had the proper partners.”

“I’m scared to mess this up,” Emma admitted.

“You are incapable of doing so,” Killian reaffirmed, kissing her gently before resting his forehead against hers. “You’re the reason we still have hope. Your forgiveness is everything, Emma, and I promise you, as different as our circumstances are, I will never again allow you to be hurt. Not by me, my title, or the baggage from my past. You, and Henry, are safe with me. I swear it.”

“Are you sure you can make a promise like that?” Emma asked, doubting anyone’s ability to prevent bad outcomes, but Killian’s determination was unwavering. He was absolute in his promise, and she had no choice but to believe him.

“I am sure. We can do this Emma. We’ll go as slow or as fast as you desire. You’re the Captain of this vessel, so to speak, but if you trust me, I know we can see this through. I’ve never felt anything so surely as I feel that.”

And with that, and with a few more heated kisses, Emma and Killian cemented their decision to really give this a shot. Unfortunately, Killian had to leave soon thereafter, heading back to the palace where everyone was likely worried sick from his ditching his detail, but Emma knew he’d be back tomorrow for their date. And as she watched him ride away, and she closed the door behind him, she made a conscious choice to really give this all she had. Because despite the worries and the fears, and despite the crazy thought that he was a prince and she was an ordinary woman, she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t follow her heart.

Post-Note: Okay so… what do you think? Am I forgiven? I hope that I am, and if I am not let me entice you with the promise of next chapter, which is going to be a fluff and feels filled first date worthy of a prince and his (soon to be) princess. Honestly though, this has always been my vision for this story. I think about that scene in the Prince and Me when the girl sees the prince and he runs to her from the parade and I love it, and yet I wanted to twist that a bit, to turn it on its head and in the process keep Emma and Killian’s love still a private, personal thing. I want them to have more time to grow and nurture their feelings, to know it’s definitely love before the whole world gets a say, and of course throwing in meddling Anna and Elsa, and having Henry push the love birds along a little never hurts either. Anyway, what I am trying to say is I hope you guys enjoyed and I thank you all for reading. Not sure when the next chapter will be ready, because I am in the final stretch of school craziness, but know that it is coming and that I can’t wait to share the rest of this story with all of you. Until next time!

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: “Pomp and Circumstance”

Welcome back, welcome back. I managed to miss last week’s title/summary leak, which for any other show would have been a blessing. With RWBY though I find myself not minding---even hoping for---spoilers, just so I won’t be quite so blindsided by things when I actually watch them. It’s a topsy-turvy world.

We’ll get to that in a bit though. For now, we open on the new Amity Arena immediately flying over the Schnee dust mine. I’m talking the group has barely made it back out into the sun before Ironwood’s men are arriving and setting up base. That’s some real eagerness to get the ball rolling. Funny how Ironwood’s entire plan is doomed to failure and eight of the people helping him to complete it haven’t mentioned that yet...

We get a shot of the Ace Ops triumphantly emerging with Qrow and RWBYJNR positively geeking out over how fantastic their take-down of the geist was. It was admittedly a great battle. The best scene I think we’ve had in a while. Sadly, that charm didn’t carry over into this episode. 

As the gang gushes over how fantastic they were Clover explains that it all comes down to the makeup of their team. They were specifically chosen to compliment one another and make up for any liabilities they might bring. Forethought like this brings back the age-old question of whether Ozpin’s own teams are as random as they appear. Does he really leave it to chance, who you first run into and what relic you happen to pick? Or was he subtly pulling the strings in order to ensure that complimentary teammates ended up together? Even if they don’t realize they’re complimentary at first. Ruby and Weiss are a perfect example of that. 

It’s a question we may never have answered. Especially as the Ozpin hate just keeps piling on and on. Before that though we’re given a ton of humor. Nora, continuing her role as comic relief, slides up to Elm and asks if she needs a new best friend. Their team name could be

I’d watch it.

More pressingly though, talk of team compositions and pairing up leads to a comment from Harriet that we need to unpack. Bear with me for a moment though because there’s something else I want to tackle first. It’ll connect back in a moment. Basically, I want to address my frustration last recap that Oscar was left behind with no explanation and the assertion by others that this was a ‘show don’t tell’ moment. It wasn’t. Providing your audience with no reasoning behind a decision is not the same thing as providing a visual explanation as opposed to a verbal one. On some level the choice to leave Oscar behind functions like an argument and I see this a lot in paper writing:

Student: This ad is really sexist

Me: And...? Why?

Student: I mean it’s obvious? All the women are wearing skimpy clothes and that one guy calls her a ‘bitch.’

Me: Perhaps obvious to you, but we can’t rely on the reader picking up on the same details and interpreting them in the same way. So you need to include that as evidence. In addition, you need to consider potential counter claims. What if I said some women choose to wear skimpy clothing because they feel empowered by it and that my friends often call me a ‘bitch’ as a silly endearment? How do we undermine those arguments in the context of your ad so you can more solidly prove that it’s still sexist? 

Student: Hmm

vs. 

Yang: We didn’t bring Oscar with us

Me: And...? Why?

Yang: I mean it’s obvious? He’s not ready for this fight yet.

Me: Perhaps obvious to you, but you can’t just bank on the viewer coming to that same conclusion. You also need to consider potential counter arguments. What if I pointed out that Oscar fought just as well as you during the premiere battle and that there’s now a history of you excluding him from every event you possibly can? How do you then undermine those points to prove that a) he really isn’t ready yet and b) that you actually left him behind because of his skill and not because you’re all still pissed at Ozpin?

Yang: Hmm

That was not a ‘show don’t tell’ moment. That was no tell combined with no show. A ‘show don’t tell’ would have been Yang going, “I don’t feel so bad now that we left Oscar behind” and then cutting to Oscar training with Ironwood, showing us that he needs to improve his skills as opposed to Yang just telling us, ‘He’s not ready yet.’ But we got neither. 

I bring this up a full episode later because here, in “Pomp and Circumstance” we’re given another shining example of precisely how bad RT’s ‘show don’t tell’ skills are. The Ace Ops. What are we shown? A group that is incredibly close with one another. They’re capable of anticipating each other’s moves and are able to follow directions with little to no prompting. They’re constantly joking, teasing, goofing off in a way that implies real intimacy. Clover proclaims, “What would you do without me?” demonstrating a familiarity that allows him to exude both confidence and playfulness. They’re close enough that he needn’t maintain the persona of their boss; close enough that he can play the part of their hero without anyone taking offense. In short, they act precisely like Team RWBYJNR.

Now, what are we told by Harriet?

“We’re not friends... that’s the job. We don’t confuse the two.”

Excuse me?

There has been nothing---NOTHING---in the last two episodes to imply that this team functions solely as a work group. Based on what we’ve been shown the idea that they’re not friends is laughable. What the audience sees and what the audience is told by a character do not match up. Kind of like how we’re told throughout the entirety of Volume Six that the group is heroic when we’re shown them repeating the actions of the villains. Kind of like how Qrow tells us that Ruby is different from Ozpin even as we’re shown her making the exact same choices. Here, we’re told that the Ace Ops aren’t friends yet shown that they clearly are and this disconnect functions solely as a means of---again---highlighting how special RWBYJNR supposedly is. Because we get a long shot of how devastated that mindset makes them

and then Ruby immediately rejecting the idea that you need to maintain a purely professional relationship in order to be a good team, begging the girls to go out sightseeing with her. Later Weiss proclaims to her father that they’re not merely friends, they’re family. As nice as the sentiment is, this is just another example of how RT is trying to paint RWBYJNR, RWBY in particular, as intrinsically better than all the other fighters around them. The takeaway is that the Ace Ops might be powerful, but without friendship they’ll never be as strong as our heroes... except the Ace Ops are clearly friends. Harriet’s cold and judgmental tone---You consider yourself friends with them?---makes no sense here. This would be an entirely different situation if we were actually shown an Ace Ops team that acted indifferent towards one another and if, later on, that professionalism and lack of knowledge about each other’s temperament, skills, etc. led to a problem. Ruby comes in with a, “See? I never would have made that mistake with my team because I’ve gotten to know them both on and off the battlefield. Being friends is an asset.” But we don’t get that, so all we’re left with is a message of, ‘RWBYJNR is super special even though they’re doing nothing different from the Atlas specialists. But trust us, they’re intrinsically better.’

That message got old, oh, two volumes ago.

In addition, can we please talk about the messy pacing? The group doesn’t want to go sightseeing with Ruby because they’re exhausted. Weiss and Yang act like their traveling and near death experiences happened last night, and later Qrow’s “the finally getting to Atlas part” comment reads as recent too, but as I mentioned in the previous recap, Pietro’s comment tells us that at least a few days have passed. Realistically a few weeks. So which is it? Has enough time passed to justify Pietro creating seven distinct upgrades and apologizing for having their weapons “so long”? Or has so little time passed to justify the group talking about their trip like they still haven’t had the chance to sleep after Penny’s tour? Yes, this stuff actually matters when you’ve got a laundry list of internal conflicts and the audience wants to know how much time the group has had to grapple with them. Has it only been a few days since the Ozpin drama, or a few weeks? Did Yang and Blake murder a guy the other day or last month? We’re simply not told. 

While consistency unravels Ironwood tells Clover that he needs the Ace Ops “on the ground” being “subtle” in their investigations... so maybe don’t bring Marrow. This moment, right down to the humor, is pretty identical to Blake deciding to leave Yang behind when she went to dismantle the CTV tower. Because “Stealth’s not really your... um...” Thing. If only the writing acknowledged these failings in a non-comedy context and encouraged the characters to learn from their mistakes. Marrow might have to listen to his boss and Yang will do anything Blake asks of her, but the rest of the time? ‘You’re really bad at missions that require subtly’ is just going to piss the group off. Even though it’s true.

As the Ace Ops take off Ironwood calls over the team leaders. Which is a bit of a weird choice considering he’s not asking Jaune and Ruby to keep secrets from their teams or anything. They’re literally just going to turn around and relay that info immediately  to YWBNR. So why not just tell them all at once? Chalk it up to not wanting to animate nine characters. Basically though we learn at least part of Tyrian’s motivations here. He’s been killing off prominent figures who oppose Ironwood, including Forest, trying to make it look like Ironwood himself is killing to keep them quiet. And it’s working. More points to Ironwood for throwing out, “I’m not really concerned about my public image” when Qrow accuses him of only caring about publicity. If Ironwood is secretly a horrible dictator who really doesn’t care about his people... he’s doing a very good job of hiding it. 

He’s also super chill about Jaune talking back to him about the embargo, a sharp contrast to Jacques’ “How dare you speak to me that way!” when Weiss takes a similar tone. Like the party way back in Volume Four, Ironwood is presented as the clear hero to Jacques’ villain. He lets subordinates point out difficulties and potential mistakes he’s makings. Instead of just, you know, abusing them. 

So yeah, Jacques is a thing. He shows up pissed that Ironwood commandeered his abandoned mine, but also he’s happy because he thinks Ironwood has screwed himself now. Jacques is gunning for a seat on the council and he hopes the military taking possession of private property, not matter how grimm-infested, will help. He accuses Ironwood of roping Weiss into all this, Weiss reasserts that it was her own decision to help, and we get a lovely moment of the team supporting her. 

I’d just like to point out though, this is all proof that Weiss would have been just fine if they’d sent her to Atlas. The fandom was up in arms over that suggestion, making wild claims about how Jacques would kidnap her or something, but this scene canonically undermines all of that. Turns out Jacques didn’t have spies everywhere, waiting to scoop Weiss up the moment she landed. However long the group has been hanging out in Atlas, he had no idea she was here until she was standing right in front of him (and even then it took him a long minute to realize...) Turns out Jacques can’t just do whatever he pleases with another human being just because he’s her father. In Ironwood’s presence, which Weiss would have ended up in if she’d flown with Cordovin’s blessing, Jacques can’t touch her. Hell, he can’t do anything even if Weiss was alone.  If Weiss is willing to dump racists in the trash with her semblance I think she’s gained enough confidence to do the same to Jacques if he dares try to hit her again. The moment the fandom went, ‘They clearly HAVE to steal military property/disable a CTV tower and risk this tenuous peace because poor Weiss would be done for if they just sent her to Atlas with an armed guard and a transformed Qrow and possibly Maria in a suitcase’ I was just, ‘... What?’ That was never a good justification and this scene just reinforces that.

The one (metaphorical) blow that Jacques manages to land is by telling Weiss how distraught her mother was when she left. I wonder if there’s any truth in that or if it’s pure manipulation. 

As he leaves Winter flies in, clearly avoiding her father. Weiss gets partway through calling her out on that before Penny lands in their midst. 

From here the episode really unravels. With the surprise half ruined, Ironwood takes the group up into the arena and presents them with their huntsmen licenses. Now, full disclosure. I said I wanted this back in the premiere. In fact, my exact words were,

“I don’t think the show would ever go for my suggestion of another school arc so they could finish their training, but at the very least we should provide some sort of loop-hole for these characters. Have Ironwood provide special licenses based on their heroics at the Fall of Beacon and their work since. Because right now we have a world that’s continually emphasizing being a huntsmen as a job, something you earn the right to call yourself, yet 95% of our group doesn’t have that right in the eyes of their society.”

And I still stand by that. In as much as I’m acknowledging that so long as the writing refuses to treat the group like the students they are, taking away that status is the next best thing. However, that was written before the story decided to re-emphasize precisely how not huntsmen-like the group is. Everyone remember that? It was a week ago, wherein the group was characterized like kids playing dress up, following the adults around, acknowledging that it feels like they’re real huntresses even though they’re not, and then they witnessed a fight that put their skills and maturity to shame. A part of me honestly is glad we’re not dealing with this as a moral issue anymore. The other part of me is going, “Really? You set up how the group is still a bunch of students and then turn around and give them licenses an episode later? Can we at least be consistent?”

It’s fine though. It’s done. Yay. They all have licenses. Even though they technically didn’t do the work required to obtain them. And they’re also still at least a year, probably two years, too young to have them. Considering that schools are a four year program. It’s fine. 

The group doesn’t even seem happy to have them though. In fact, they trivialize the moment. That word exactly: “It almost feels trivial now.” I don’t think RT intends for the characterization to come across this way but man does the group sound arrogant. Wow. We’ve been given a huge amount of power and privilege when we technically haven’t earned it, have actually done quite a lot lately that should have resulted in punishments over rewards, this is entirely out of the blue, something we’ve all wanted for most of our lives... so thanks, I guess? We’re feeling kind of iffy. Ruby at least makes some sort of comment about how Ironwood doesn’t need to do this, which just lets him re-assert that they all totally deserve it. Besides, he needs all the help he can get. Remember, we’re about to tell everyone about Salem!

Obviously no one pipes up during this speech. There aren’t even shared guilty looks. They’re just... letting their lie become a part of their ascent into full-fledged huntsmen. Oh boy.

Overall this party just feels depressing as hell to me. Yes, let’s celebrate in an empty, creepy arena that’s a traumatic space for literally everyone here. Made worse by the fact that no one acknowledges this. Once again Penny functions purely as comic relief. I thought that finally, finally we would get a conversation between her and Ruby. Hey, Penny! We’re taking selfies and eating cake in the very place where you were horrifically murdered! Maybe we should talk about that? 

Nope.

Instead we get a train wreck of a conversation between Qrow and Ruby. She brings up the fact that they’re all keeping secrets... and Qrow laughs.

The hypocrisy is really astounding here. Ozpin keeps a secret and gets punched into a tree, along with Oscar. Ruby keeps a secret and Qrow looks like he wants to ruffle her hair. She asks him if she’s just like Ozpin and he responds with, “Oz only trusted himself with the whole truth. You’re trusting others, just making sure they prove themselves first. I think that’s a pretty big difference.”

Okay. That’s one hell of a messy statement, but let’s take it at face value for a moment. So tell me, Ruby. Precisely what does Ironwood have to do to “prove himself” to you? How long do you feel you need to wait? One more mission? A dozen? A few weeks? Months? ...Years? There’s no surefire way for someone to prove that they’re trustworthy and if, after that person has already shared their own secret plan with you and continually treats you as an equal---please help me in this fight, feel free to talk back to me, here’s licenses so you’re legally a part of this team---you’re still iffy about their motivations... what more can they do? You might just keep waiting and waiting for some sort of sign, putting things off because telling them is so risky and you just want to be sure. You might even reach a point where you’ve known Ironwood for ages and you still haven’t told him because, well, you haven’t gotten that proof you were looking for yet. Especially if you were, say, in a time of peace where telling him only feels like a cruelty. Especially when you’ve been betrayed so many times before and are always fighting against those memories. Your little, ‘I’m just waiting until I know I can trust him’ could theoretically go on for decades because we can never absolutely know a person. Lionheart is proof of that. Ironwood might one day look to you and say, “How can you not trust me yet?” and you might respond with, “What have you done to prove to me, without a doubt, that I should?”

I’m reusing this: 

Ruby is in precisely the same position Ozpin was with his inner circle. Including Qrow. If Ruby is unsure that a military-minded, incredibly stressed man should have this information now, despite how trustworthy he might seem, why would Ozpin have been sure of that a year earlier? Ironwood was the same military-minded, stressed, seemingly trustful guy. If Ruby felt like she couldn’t rely on Qrow mere weeks (or even days) ago because he kept refusing to stay in contact (something that was established way back at Beacon. That’s not new) and falling into drunk, pessimistic stupors, why would Ozpin feel like he could rely on him in other ways? Especially when those “other ways,” telling them about Salem’s immortality, would lead to absolutely nothing good. Seriously. Has the group suddenly come up with a plan to defeat her, proving that Ozpin was wrong not to bring more creative minds into the fray? No. Has the group fallen apart for a long stretch and has only now made noises about moving forward for the sake of moving forward, something they’d already agreed to do as huntsmen fighting immortal grimm? Yes. All telling them about Salem did was make them more depressed and stressed, the two things that draw literal monsters to their door. That’s it. Their goals and motivations are precisely the same as when they started: keep fighting. Ironwood, on the other hand, has to know about Salem because his plan hinges on her mortality. Ozpin risked nothing by keeping this secret from the group. He arguably saved them a lot of grief. Ruby, on the other hand, risks countless lives and chaos across Remnant because she’s letting Ironwood inch closer and closer to telling the whole world, all in an effort to muster up an army that will accomplish nothing. 

Ruby is Ozpin in this scenario, but her secrets carry more weight than his ever did. This isn’t a group of teens feeling morally outraged that their leader told a lie; how dare you not tell us everything when we’re risking our lives... even though we’re always risking our lives and would continue to risk our lives whether you told us or not!  This is an incredibly powerful general about to change the shape of the entire world if he doesn’t learn the truth. The stakes are nowhere near comparable. Combine that with the fact that Ruby and her friends just finished taking the high road. That’s the kicker here. That Ruby doesn’t just admit, ‘Yeah... I’m like Oz. Because he was right. You do sometimes need to keep secrets and it is hard to trust people.’ No, no, no, they have to keep demonizing him. Ruby needs reassurance that she’s nothing like that evil secret keeper... even though we can all see she 100% is. She’s arguably worse now that she wants to play the victim to Ozpin’s secret keeping while simultaneously doing the exact same thing to Ironwood. She’s arguably worse since her secrets risks far more lives than Ozpin’s ever did. Where’s the fandom’s outrage over Ruby’s manipulation? Who’s punching her? When they bring up Summer, Ruby needs to characterize her death as “another Oz secret” wherein, like the fandom, she assumes he holds responsibility before there’s any proof of that. Even when Qrow admits that Ozpin has no more idea how Summer died than he and Tai do, he rescinds it! “But who knows what he may have hidden from us over the years.” Excuse me, but you all need to stop gearing up to assign blame without evidence, especially when you all are currently committing the exact same sins Ozpin did. We’ve been doing this since Volume 5:

Yang: I just learned that my uncle is the one who kept his semblance and bird transformations secret from me, but I’m going to blame Ozpin for it and demand “no more” lies. Even though up until now he’s never lied to us.

Qrow: I just admitted that your mother’s death is her own secret, but I’m going to subtly blame Ozpin for it anyway and remind you, as well as the audience, that he could be keeping an untold number of secrets from us. Truly a horrific thing when we, too, are keeping a bunch of secrets.

It’s also just a complete OOC moment that Qrow would be laughing about Ruby keeping secrets and hugging her as he tells her to press on while likewise maintaining his suspicion of Ozpin. Because Qrow’s whole beef with Ozpin is that he’s supposedly “wasted” his life while serving him. Everything he does is worthless because of Salem’s immortality. So if he’s now (randomly?) on team, ‘Do things because they’re right even if we can’t win in the end’... why is he still upset? If he can admit now that all this work---building new CTV towers and taking up everyday missions---is still super important, then why isn’t he thanking Ozpin? ‘Oh wow. I realize now how worthwhile this work is, regardless of whether Salem can be defeated. I guess I do owe you that gratitude for allowing me to do it all in the first place.’ Is no one ever going to acknowledge that Ozpin was right? About their work and about the need to keep secrets? You all are literally adopting his views, his mindset, and his choices. But nope. Nothing. It’s just an illogical mix of ‘Everything we believe is what Ozpin taught us’ with ‘But oh yeah screw that guy.’

The only reason Qrow is all buddy-buddy with Ruby’s secret keeping is because he’s in on the secret. Objectively speaking, if Qrow had a right to know about Salem’s immortality than so does Ironwood. They were both inner circle members. They both served Ozpin for (presumably) the same amount of time. With the exception of maybe hearing about the brother gods---and even then Qrow didn’t take that story literally---they seemed to have the same level of clearance. Ironwood has done just as much to “prove” his loyalty as Qrow ever did, but he doesn’t want to admit that telling someone this kind of horrific info is just plain hard. So Qrow, like the entirety of RWBYJNR, makes it about their own status as heroes, adopting a ‘we’re totally different’ mindset. I get to know about Salem’s immortality. Ironwood though? No, no, we’re justified in keeping it from him. People just aren’t allowed to keep things from us.

It started off with Yang’s ‘How dare you keep secrets only I’m allowed to do that’ nonsense and has now spread to the entire group. We had an entire volume of people verbally and physically assaulting Ozpin in the name of his lies. Now Ruby does the exact same thing and gets hugs and praise for it. I spoke too soon last episode. The hypocrisy is unreal.

I honestly didn’t think RWBY was still capable of frustrating me to this extent, but here we are.

Oh, and so long as we’re riding this frustration train... where is Oscar? 

He was not acknowledged once in this episode, let alone invited to the party. You know, the one that he could have really easily been flown in for now that the danger is gone. The one that Winter, Penny, Marrow, Elm and Vine all make an appearance at, but not the guy they’ve been traveling with and who is way more invested in his ‘friends’ getting their licenses than some random Ace Ops members. From here on out I’m officially calling BS on anyone who tries to justify the group/the writing excluding Oscar. There was no reason not to invite him to a planned celebration specifically designed to give this team, a team he’s a part of, a bit of downtime. Sorry you didn’t get an armor upgrade, or get to go on the mission, or get to attend the after party. Everyone just kind of forgot you exist or couldn’t be bothered to explain why you’re missing. RWBY really just doesn’t like him or Ozpin and boy, does it show. 

The remaining plot is minimal. The group pulls up a mission board and Jaune gets roped into escorting school children, a mission with absolutely “no danger” in it. So if we actually get to see him completing this, you know they’ll be danger. As they continue choosing their first jobs as huntsmen we return to Jacques, brooding in his office. Whitley makes a brief appearance to announce that Watts has barged his way into the manor. We learn that everyone apparently thinks Watts is dead---that helps explain why they’re still using his code. A dead guy  isn’t much of a threat---and Watts tells Jacques that he can help him regain his lost wealth, get a seat on the council, and screw over Ironwood. Through the pretty silly line of “Have your cake and eat it too.” I like that expression, but it’s hard to make it sound sufficiently threatening...

And that’s where we end! A rough ride this week, folks. Can’t complain about the break...

Until next time. 

Minor Things of Note

Watts’ comment about how Whitley is the spitting image of Jacques makes me think of cloning. Like, I don’t think the writing would actually go there, but it’s a potentially cool option. Evil billionaire with access to fantasy technology has two rebellious daughters before finally just cloning himself a ‘son’...

Where is Maria? What is she doing? Can we please stop abandoning important characters and then having the cast acting like they ceased to exist?

[bearpillowmonster]

Re: Zero, you've probably heard about it. It's that one Isekai anime where a nerdy guy gets teleported to a fantasy video game-like world, nothing we haven't heard of before, so what sets it apart from the rest?

Not a whole lot. I'll give you my ranking and then get into spoilers (blockquoted). STORY - 7 - This is very much a weeb kind of anime, I don't really mean fanservice, because they talk a lot but there isn't an absurd amount of cleavage, it's actually pretty self aware about it, almost too open, I know Japan has different standards as far as that goes though. I'm not a fan of the "return to your savepoint" ability he has, I wasn't a fan of it in Edge of Tomorrow and I'm not here. It's not the concept that interested me, it's not even the characters, in fact I can't remember why I put this on my watchlist other than it having good reviews and the same place that was talking about Snafu being so good was talking about this. But I can tell you this, I may not know why i started this. (Though Elsa kinda got me to stay, ngl)

And I've always hated when people get sick in media, I just do and Subaru gets sick quite a few times because of multiple reasons, I hope the other seasons don't keep that up. ART - 7 - Some of the action seems fluid enough, I would say it only gets better as it goes on. There are some pretty brutal moments here and there, I was surprised. I'm just not a fan of many characters designs.

SOUND - 8 - It's fine enough. CHARACTER - It's taken down a notch because he has to reset each step of the way and characters can seem clueless. I do like the aspect that he gets to explore different routes and things he could've done differently as well as learning more about these characters through that and focusing on each one separately. I'll mention Subaru specifically in the spoilers. Because of that I'll give it an 8 (just because it's thorough) but maybe a 7.5 otherwise.

ENJOYMENT - 8 - I actually had fun watching this, I wanted a fantasy series and this scratched that for the time being. I was in the final quarter and was like "but we've barely started but at the same time, so much has happened." it didn't feel like filler, it kept the pace up, it explored possible routes, asked and answered questions, the only big downside is what I already mentioned. OVERALL - 7 - Despite popular opinion, I like Rising of the Shield Hero more. In fact, around episode 12 or so, you'll want to drop Re:Zero. It isn't until about 18 where it starts to show off again, it broke itself to build itself back up, so if you yourself are thinking of dropping it, you might want to consider waiting a little bit or at least looking some of it up to reassure yourself. You'll know it comes back to form when they talk about the title.

Now SPOILERS, get ready. I waited for him to tell somebody about his powers time and time again and then he finally tries to do it and he isn't capable, imagine how disappointed I was. Luckily, they do use that as a bit of a weapon so at least it has a use. Also, he can tell people about the future, there's just barely any merit to it since he can't tell them how or why he knows it. There's a surprising subplot about racism too. Rem and Rom. I don't like that they're demons but so far they have a decent story and I assume that they're mean to resemble mythical 'dae'mons. Subaru is our main and well, he's an idiot. I understand making references and trying to be 4th wall breaking and stuff but he truly just stumbles into stuff sometimes especially when he's asked NOT to go to the royal induction, it's all just because he's the main so they need to put him in somewhere. On top of that, they have a little fight during that arc between the nominees for Queen about whether or not they should go over the information because "it doesn't really matter but they'll explain it anyway." Then that's exactly what happens, that whole scene was pointless and basically just said "This lore is nonsense." That's really self depreciating. That's one of the main reasons I mentioned that "You'll want to drop this." but you DO find out that his seemingly regular douche-bag of an ego is actually becoming "Pride". I see where they might've done that on purpose and it did do a lot of things in return. The question is, was it justified? I mean, he gets punished, a redemption arc, and a deeper dive into Rem. The amount of stuff he goes through is insane and I think they did a good job of displaying that considering for part of it, he just completely shut down. But afterwards, they just tell him how great he is anyway. Also Betelgeuse is kind of representative of what Subaru might've become had he kept going down that route. They never did explain what exactly happened to Emilia before Puck went nuts on Subaru. Also the ending was nice but I did like Emilia's action in the previous route, I think she should've been given another chance, I thought part of the lesson was that she can handle some things on her own. I actually would've liked to see her give the final blow to Betelgeuse.

[pastelzodiac]

How Each Zodiac Sign Acts When They're Angry.

Are you a ranter or a slow-burner?

No matter how laid back you are, you will get angry, and sometimes that anger gets out of control.

You may be the type of person who gets angry easily, or you may be slow to anger. Is your anger long-lasting, or do you hold things inside you until they explode?

Our zodiac signs are a great way to assess our personality traits, especially when it comes to how to express anger.

A horoscope can only provide so much information, because no matter how your anger presents itself, no one is immune from the feelings that come with it. When this intense kind of anger bubbles up from deep within us, it can be almost impossible to handle it delicately.

So, what does this mean for you (and everyone in your way)? It means a lot of wreckage, hurt feelings, and harsh words.

There are many kinds of anger and many ways of expressing it, but is the way you express anger just a personality quirk, or is it determined by your zodiac sign?

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Tempestuous Anger

If you're an Aries, you're known to explode without considering how your actions will affect others.

You aren't one to sugarcoat your feelings, and if you're mad at someone, they better watch out. The fire of your rage is easily lit, but will quickly be extinguished if the person you're screaming at doesn't react and remains calm.

You cool down quickly and usually feel very sorry about your outburst after the fact, but that won't stop you from blowing up again later on.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Explosive Anger

When you get angry with someone, you give you subtle hints at first, becoming silent and cold, before you erupt like a volcano spewing hot rage.

Those born under the Taurus zodiac sign don't get angry easily, but when they do, they often express anger by throwing things. You're also entirely capable of losing your mind at the drop of a hat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Vocal Anger

Geminis love to talk, so it makes sense that your go-to form of anger expression is screaming, shouting, and hurling sarcastic and occasionally mean words.

But since you're known for having two sides to your personality, screaming isn't the only way you express anger. You can also be cool, level-headed, and strike someone's jugular with the perfect cutting remark.

Whatever anyone does, they better not judge you or offer an opinion on what you should be doing with your life, or they'll be the focus of your rage.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Expressive Anger

When Cancer gets angry, you first express it by sulking, then (if no one has caught on) you move on to passive-aggressiveness, before completely withdrawing into your shell.

Once you're in protective shell mode, people should decide that the best plan of action is to ignore you, for this is when you need love and sweetness the most.

If you're still not getting what you need, your silent fury will morph into crying, and if you're still unsatisfied that no one is taking your feelings seriously, you'll throw down. Every pent-up emotion and unresolved feeling of anger from the past will be unleashed.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Roaring Anger

When you get angry, Leo, you go beyond anger and end up storming with rage.

You aren't afraid to roar, and the louder and more intense your shouting is, the better you feel. Your go-to is offensive language, and you have a tendency to think only of your emotions when you're angry.

While you might forgive someone for doing something that has angered you, you're not very likely to apologize for your behavior.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Suppressed Anger

Virgo, You aren't especially comfortable with expressing your anger, so you hold it in until you blow up, no matter how insignificant it is.

The suppressed anger of Virgo often causes digestive and health issues, too. You feel very misunderstood, and it can be confusing and awkward for everyone when your anger finally comes out.

Your anger usually isn't about what's happening right now, but rather something that happened in the distant past. Virgo, if you can take a moment from crying and slamming doors, you'd see that no one is out to get you.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Seething Anger

Is there anything Libra hates more than confrontation? Not much.

You don't like to show your anger since you think it's not a very attractive emotion. It also often doesn't go very well with your charming and attractive persona.

While you like to try to be above anger, sometimes you can't talk yourself out of it, and will end up losing your cool. But when you do lose it, you truly believe that whatever way you expressed your outburst was the best way possible.

Libras have a way of justifying everything — even when it's a meltdown.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Brutal Anger

Scorpio isn't easily angered, but when you are, people should do whatever they can to get out of your line of fire. Your stink-eye will send shivers down anyone's spine, and the sarcastic things you say when angry are brutal.

You aren't a sign that forgives and forgets, and you can never just let it go when angered. People should beware of the furious Scorpio — because the emotional destruction you wreak isn't pretty.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Fiery Anger

Sagittarius is ruled by fire, so it makes sense that you can flame out quickly. You use your words when angry, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those around you.

If someone upsets you, it's not unlike you to unfriend them immediately — both in social media and real life.

The best way for people to deal with you when you're angry is to side-track you, as you have a tendency to digress enough that you forget why you were so incensed in the first place.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Destructive Anger

Capricorns take anger very seriously, and you usually don't express it unless pushed to your limits. You're known to smash whatever is handy and cut someone with criticism when given the opportunity.

You'll say people have disappointed you rather than express how angry you are with them, so people shouldn't let your calm(ish) demeanor fool them. When you're driven to an outburst, it's so out of character that you'll shock everyone around you.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Quiet Anger

You're usually very chill and it takes a lot to get you mad. Aquarius' first line of defense when angry is to just stop talking to people, get in the car, and drive around until they feel better.

You'll try to ignore the source of your agitation as long as possible, hoping that you can eventually manage to cool yourself down. If you can't, you'll go into extreme infuriation mode and finally lose your temper.

Although you may unload all of the negative feelings you've been having, it still may take you a while to start talking to friends again.

Pisces (February 19 - March): Emotional Anger

Pisces are constantly in their feelings, and that's a good thing because it means you don't get angry very often. But when you do get angry, you can be outright terrifying, even though the only person you tend to lash out at is yourself.

When in a middle of a rage, you can become violent, self-destructive, and your vivid imaginations go full-throttle with the drama. Once your anger passes, you need some serious alone time for your heart to heal.

Hey guys! Check out our new arrivals » www.pastelzodiac.com. Free shipping ALWAYS ♥

[moominquartz]

Humans are fascinating in that they are meant to change. Gems cannot. Their programming is irreversible and resolute.

A Rose Quartz character study. Contains spoilers through Steven Universe Future S01E04: Volleyball.

Rose Quartz has never loved anyone more than she has loved Greg Universe.

It almost hurts to admit. She loves Pearl, of course — and that, perhaps, is a fault; for Pearl adores her to the point of exaltation.  But Pearl’s feelings for Rose are solely because she was programmed to adore her Diamond, and therefore Rose can never allow herself to reciprocate; the one thing she cannot allow her. That is a conversation she and Pearl will never have, because Rose is a coward.

But Rose is a hypocrite, because she adores Greg in much the same way.

“My Greg,” she murmurs between kisses, enjoying very much how Greg could never know the true connotation of that phrase. How beautiful, to promise oneself so wholly to another, not out of duty or propriety, but because one wanted to.

“My Rose,” Greg tries once, and Rose freezes.

No one has called her theirs in centuries. Pearl stopped once the rebellion began in true force, because it could ask some people to connect the dots — even in private, Rose had felt it was too risky, and it would reinforce a mindset Rose wanted to eradicate. (Not that she’d been successful at that.)

Rose had called Pearl “my Pearl” countless times; at first, it had made Pearl intensely uncomfortable, but over the years it had turned into a point of pride. She’d always meant it, every time. Rose had not used such a term of endearment with any of the men she’d dated — not before Greg. And even then, she hadn’t meant it any less.

But Greg whispering those words makes Rose remember every member of her court. She remembers the way Pearl had said those words shortly after assuming her new identity. She remembers every Jade, every Pebble, every Pearl —

I shouldn’t have been standing so close, my Diamond —

Greg’s hands curl around hers, begging her back to the present. “Hey, are you okay?” he asks, voice softer than she could ever deserve.

“Of course,” she murmurs, a lie they both recognize.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Greg says. “Would you rather I not say that?”

She nods. It ends there.

Greg never pushes her for anything. Never asks her for details. Never questions the horrible, horrific past she hides from everyone.

She doesn’t deserve it. She deserves someone who demands explanation, who demands her to prostrate herself and accept judgment for all of the people she’s ever hurt. Someone who sees right through her and refuses to accept her.

But Rose Quartz is a coward in love, and Greg is a soft blanket; he is her shield from her own past, and she takes great pleasure in escaping in him.

-

When she accepted her colony, she left Spinel behind. Thousands of years later, she tends the garden surrounding her fountain and wonders where Spinel is now. Did she ever look for Pink Diamond? Did she ever find that Pink was shattered? Did she accept that answer, was she given another role on Homeworld?

Without Pink Diamond, Spinel had no purpose. Had White shattered her?

Rose considers the Garden. She considers making the trek to the desert alone, reactivating Pink Diamond’s ship, and returning to the Garden. Finding Spinel, if any pieces of her remain, and bringing her back to Earth.

But it was quite possible that the other Diamonds would be notified if the ship was used again. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk bringing the Diamonds’ attention back to Earth.

After all, after the Corruption, they had abandoned the place. Even with gems in such a maimed state, the planet itself was safer than it had ever been. She couldn’t risk all the life on Earth for just one gem.

Just another mistake she’d made, never rectified. Just another crime, never judged. Just another fear, never put to rest.

-

Bismuth proposes the Breaking Point with a gleam in her eye.

Rose doesn’t turn her down out of any sense of justice, out of any sense of morality. In all honesty, Bismuth brings up an argument that shouldn’t be ignored. In war, when the enemy is willing to shatter you, you cannot simply poof and bubble. It’s a time consuming, delicate way to eliminate them, and Homeworld has greater numbers, heavier artillery, and too many resources.

But Rose can’t allow Bismuth to shatter her. Even if Bismuth has no idea that she’s presenting this idea to her greatest enemy.

When Bismuth insists, when she points out the strategic benefits, Rose knows she’s right, and she knows she has no real argument against her.

“I’m sorry,” Rose says with finality, “but it isn’t right.”

“Isn’t right?!” Bismuth’s temper is flaring, spiking past just irritation and incomprehension. “What does that mean? This is a war, Rose! We don’t have the luxury of moralizing our actions! We need to prioritize our soldiers. Your soldiers!”

“Calm yourself.”

Bismuth’s fuse does not extinguish. She threatens her, says she’ll go to the others about this. And Rose cannot justify herself to the others, who will no doubt see that Bismuth’s weapon is exactly what they need. And if they question her, they’ll dig, and they’ll expose a truth Rose cannot possibly hope to explain. It terrifies her.

So Rose extinguishes Bismuth’s fuse for her, and pretends — for her own sake — that it never happened.

-

Pearl, broken beyond repair. Spinel, abandoned. Bismuth, bubbled and hidden. Pearl, enslaved and silenced. Lion, dead. All of the Rose Quartzes, bubbled and falsely judged. Hundreds and hundreds of Gems, corrupted. Amethyst, isolated. The Earth, permanently scarred.

At some point, all of her mistakes add up to a terrifying sum.

Humans are fascinating in that they are meant to change. Gems… Gems cannot. Their programming is irreversible and resolute.

Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond, and Pink Diamond is a monster.

-

After a particularly trying tour of the Prime Kindergarten, Rose asks Greg pointed questions about human reproduction. And, though red-faced and flustered, he explains it to her. He takes her to the Budwick Library, where they go through health textbooks and detailed diagrams, and Rose realizes something extraordinary.

“Do you think we could do that?” she asks, as the book shuts.

“Huh?” Greg blinks at her, confusion writ across his face. “You mean — have a baby together?”

“Do you think we could create life together, you and I?”

Rose thinks of the Kindergartens. She thinks of how much life she recklessly destroyed in order to create gems who only worked to destroy even more of it. But humans… Humans were designed to preserve life, gloriously, nothing being sacrificed for their survival except time and energy.

Greg’s eyes are on her, thoughtful and sensitive as always. “I… this is probably a weird question, but uh.” He blushes. “Do you even… do you even have that kind of… equipment?”

“I could shapeshift it,” she murmurs, enraptured. “I could give myself ovaries and eggs and a vagina and a cl—”

“I-I guess you could!” Greg squeaks out. She giggles; she can’t possibly begin to fathom why he’s so embarrassed about this when it’s such a gift. “I… could you… could you hold all of that? For months?”

“Sure.”

Most gems couldn’t, but she’d had plenty of practice shapeshifting. And on top of that, she was one of the most powerful gems in existence, though she would never tell Greg that. Not unless he asked.

“But I thought…” Greg runs a hand through the gorgeous mane of his hair. “I thought gems couldn’t… reproduce like that.”

“We can’t.”

He starts, turning quickly to stare at her in horror, all the adorable awkwardness and embarrassment vanishing. She understands, and she wants it anyway.

“You mean…”

“I don’t think I would ever be able to give birth in the way that humans can,” Rose admits as she stares at the cover of the textbook. She places her hand on the cover, caressing the image of the pregnant human. “Gems aren’t designed for it. But if I could give up my form to create another life…”

To allow a new life to form and to erase an irredeemable one in the same breath.

“I — Rose.” There’s something odd in his voice. “I don’t know. I… You’ve lived for eons. You would seriously give all that up? You wouldn’t — you would die for this?”

“Yes.”

The answer is easy. The loose ends that are left in her life aren’t within her reach. What better bow to tie on her existence than to make up for her mistakes? To create a being that not only is capable of change, but is designed to?

“I…” Greg’s voice shifts. He sets his hand over the one she’s placed on the book. “...Let’s talk about this later, okay?”

“Of course.”

-

When the test is positive, things change drastically.

Firstly, Garnet forbids Rose from accompanying them on any missions.

“My future vision is useless here,” Garnet explains as her gaze, though obscured behind her visor, lands on her still flat stomach. “And… from what you and Greg have explained to me about human pregnancies, it seems a fragile thing. Let’s not test fate.”

“I can take care of myself,” Rose insists. “I am not a human.”

“I know.” Garnet shrugs, a half-smile playing on her lips. “Heed it anyway.”

So even though Rose rolls her eyes and huffs and pouts, she does as Garnet asks. After all, Garnet has never steered her wrong before, and Rose doesn’t want a reason to fear for her child’s life before it’s even begun.

Not that she’ll be around to fear for it when it has.

Secondly, Amethyst starts avoiding her. It isn’t what Rose expected, but she isn’t surprised. Amethyst has never adapted very well to loss.

Thirdly, Pearl shatters.

Not literally, of course. But Pearl becomes fractured, pieces of her former self.

“I hadn’t realized it was actually possible,” Pearl whispers in horror.

The two of them stand on the cliff above the temple, watching the waves. Below them, Greg and Amethyst are jamming, and Amethyst hits the drums with more voracity than usual.

“Isn’t that the wonderful thing about humanity?” Rose replies, awe and love coloring her voice. “Nothing is predictable. It’s always changing. If Greg had been anyone else, I don’t think I could have done this.”

Pearl frowns. Tears are in her eyes, but she does not shed them. Rose wishes she would.

“You know, Rose, that I have followed you through the furthest reaches of space, and I would follow you to the very end.”

Pearl’s fists clench.

“But I don’t believe I can follow you in this. Rose, you… you will be gone. Dead, in the human sense. You’ll be shattered.”

“Shattering means I would be in pieces for the rest of my existence,” she corrects, calm, quiet, patient. “This is different. I would cease to be, and instead, a new life will sprout in my place. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“Of course it isn’t!” Pearl snaps, raising her voice at Rose for the first time in years. “You can’t keep using that word! You can’t — you can’t just abandon us like this!”

“We have nine months until the child is born. I won’t be leaving until then.”

Nine months is but a blink to the two of them, and Pearl’s hurt, defeated expression shows just what she thinks of that.

“In these nine months, I need you to come to terms with this decision I’ve made. I don’t need you to understand it, just accept it. And, my Pearl…”

Rose wraps both of her hands around one of Pearl’s, and her dearest friend freezes.

“I need you to promise me that you will not abandon my child as I am abandoning you.”

Pearl begins to shake as the tears, finally, slip from her cheeks. “Rose… Rose, this isn’t fair. You know this isn’t.”

“I know.”

Neither of them move. Rose waits as Pearl, trembling, terrified, wrestles with the ugly jealousy and pure adoration inside of her. The sun has set and the city quieted by the time Pearl finally meets her eyes again.

“... I promise.”

It is the cruelest thing Rose has ever asked of her.

-

Rose doesn’t technically need to eat, but after discussing it with Greg and Vidalia, it seems that energy is a thing babies need.

“All of my energy comes from my gem,” she tells them. “Surely the baby will simply take energy from there as well.”

“I dunno,” Vidalia mutters, eyes heavy with makeup as she looks to her own son. Rose remembers baby Sour Cream fondly, though he has grown exponentially since their adventure. “The babe doesn’t have your gem yet. Maybe you should be eating.”

“They’re part human too, after all,” Greg murmurs.

Rose doesn’t think it’s necessary, even still. But the idea of her eating, and that energy going to the life forming within her, seems to comfort Greg, so she agrees, however reluctantly.

And then she discovered that food seemed to directly correlate to the horrendous “morning sickness” that she’d heard so, so much about. They didn’t have a restroom within the temple, which meant a lot of unpleasant mornings were spent by the seaside.

It even interrupts peaceful sleep spent at Greg’s side in his cozy little van. It drives her absolutely crazy, and Greg frets, stumbling after her as she rushes to the ocean waves. Sometimes she actually pukes, sometimes she doesn’t, and she hates its lack of predictability.

“Garnet,” Rose whispers one morning as she collapses, somehow exhausted, onto the temple’s warp pad. “Can’t you just use your future vision to tell me when I’ll puke?”

Garnet chuckles. “Sorry.” She isn’t sorry. “I’ve told you before. You’re already an anomaly, hard to pin down with foresight. Throwing human pregnancy into the mix is… well. You’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

Rose groans. Garnet’s smile stays for only a moment more, before she sits next to her.

“Rose. You know that I will follow you, unerringly.”

“Of course.” Rose’s eyes close, though she knows Garnet’s remain open.

“I know that Pearl and Amethyst are struggling with the choice you’ve made, the choice you’re making, in their own ways. But I just can’t understand it.”

Rose gestures, without looking, toward everything. “You know how I feel about humans, don’t you? How could I possibly resist the decision to create one?”

“You’ve resisted before. None of the humans you’ve been with have spawned this desire in you. Except for this one.”

Garnet is clever and wise, and it isn’t just Sapphire that makes her that way. Though Sapphire has the gift of foresight and level-headedness, Ruby has always been the less naive of the two.

Still, Rose doubts she can ever properly explain this decision to any of them. Maybe Pearl could come the closest to true understanding, if she ever thought to put her (understandable, justified) emotions to the side for a moment.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life,” Rose says, opening her eyes and staring upwards. Stars are still visible, though the sun has already begun to warm the night sky. “Perhaps even too many mistakes. But this decision… doing this, with Greg. This isn’t one of them.”

They say nothing for a while. No doubt Garnet is waiting for Rose to say something clarifying and sensical. The fusion watches her expression while Rose watches the sky. The stars vanish, midnight blue becoming purples and pinks and reds and oranges, and when the sun is finally high enough for the sky to be its typical, baby blue self, Garnet sighs.

“I’ll never understand it,” she says at last. “But at the same time… I do.”

Rose is relieved, even though she almost wishes Garnet had taken that bait. ‘Elaborate, Rose. You said ‘too many mistakes.’ Enumerate them.’ But Garnet is too trusting, and Rose is too afraid, and so she lets the mystery die.

-

Whenever Rose happens to be in the same room as Amethyst, Amethyst immediately has something more important to do. Rose thought she’d be fine with it, but after a few months, it has become something that hurts.

She misses the starry-eyed little gem who would follow her around, hanging onto every word and imitating every action. Of course, that desire is too close to something she doesn’t want to be, but she cannot help her programming, faulty as it is.

She is over the morning sickness by now, and her pregnancy is beginning to show. Rose can’t help but be awestruck by it, because her body seems to be shapeshifting without her consciously willing it. Is this growth?

Pearl, bless her gem, is making an effort. Rose sees it, appreciates it; she sees the way Pearl flinches at the sight of her, at the reminder that Rose will be vanishing from her life, and appreciates that Pearl looks anyway. Garnet looks upon her and sees an even larger blind spot than usual, and accepts it, prepares for the worst case scenario as she knows she may not be able to avoid it.

But Amethyst? Amethyst refuses.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Rose confesses to Pearl and Garnet one night. “I can’t. I can’t spend these last few months without her.”

And it may be selfish, but Rose believes Amethyst will regret it if this continues on; if Amethyst doesn’t speak a single word to her until she’s giving birth. By then, it will be too late.

And she cannot allow another mistake.

Garnet decides to speak to Amethyst first. She says that will go over better than Rose trying to corner her, and Rose agrees. So, though she doesn’t hear the conversation, when Garnet brings Amethyst outside of her room, Rose feels fear strike her heart.

Amethyst looks… disgruntled, like she’s just been scolded. Her arms are crossed as she comes to Rose and Pearl.

“Pearl,” Garnet calls. “Let’s give them a moment.”

Pearl looks like she might roll her eyes, but she does as Garnet heeds, and a moment later the two of them have vanished into the warp pad. Now it is just Rose Quartz, alone with an Amethyst whose entire existence is built upon Rose’s mistakes.

“Amethyst,” Rose begins, quiet and gentle. She won’t startle this little one. “Let’s talk about this. You can’t keep avoiding me forever.”

“Yeah I can,” Amethyst snaps, shoulders tensing. “Just watch me. What will it matter when you’re gone, huh? If that’s what you want so bad?”

Rose blinks. “Uh… wait, that isn’t what I want. I’m going to have a child, remember? Just like humans do all the time.”

“Yeah, but humans don’t die when they do! Well — well, most of them don’t! But you found out you’d like, have to die, and you were just like, ‘all right, sure, sign me up!’”

“Am—”

“I just don’t get it!” Amethyst all but shouts, loud enough that she may have even been heard in Beach City. “You can’t just run away when you want to! But you’re gonna do it anyway! You’re running away and never coming back, and you don’t even care that everyone wants you to stay!”

“Is that not what you’re doing?” Rose challenges, and Amethyst’s eyes meet hers for the first time; wide, shocked, tearful. “Running away?”

“I…!”

“Maybe I am,” Rose admits. Amethyst blinks, frozen. “Maybe I am running away. But maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m hitting two birds with one stone: I’m hiding from my mistakes, but also, I’m creating new life from nothing. It’s… it’s almost like I’m human.”

Almost.

Amethyst sniffs before she plops down onto the ground next to her. They both stare out at the sea for a second, until Amethyst turns and places her hand on Rose’s growing belly.

“There’s someone in there, huh,” Amethyst says, not quite asking. Rose smiles and nods anyway.

“I… I just dunno what we’re all gonna do with you, Rose.” The little one leans against Rose, sighing as she drops her hand from her belly. “I felt like, if I didn’t acknowledge it, I could pretend it wasn’t happening. And… and you’re just getting more pregnant.”

“Maybe I should have talked to all of you more seriously about it,” Rose murmurs.

“I think I’d still be super mad,” Amethyst snorts. “But like… I dunno how humans work, but I promise, we’ll be super helpful to the baby. It’s gonna be like I was, right? With no memories and no idea what its purpose is?”

“Yeah.” It’s a melodic sigh, celebratory.

“Sweet.”

Isn’t it?

-

The very first time she feels the babe kick her from within, everything — not just in her pregnancy, not just the morning sickness and the craving human food and the aching back and feet, but in the entirety of her existence — everything has been worth it, for this one moment.

“Greg,” she whispers, stars in her eyes.

Greg lifts his head from the book he’s got in his hand. “Hmm?”

“Greg, come here — oh!”

He sits upright, stretching. The day has been a lazy one, and as enjoyable as it’s been, he’s moving too slow. “You’re going to miss it!” she insists, grabbing his hand and yanking it over.

“Whoa!”

She presses it to where the movement just was, waiting, on the edge of her seat, hopeful. Greg seems to stop breathing, eyes widening, as they both oggle her belly.

And then—

“There,” Rose whispers.

Life.

“Oh my god.” Greg’s eyes water. He laughs, slow and surprised, and then it evolves, changing into something ecstatic and joyous. Rose cannot help but join him, overtaken by emotion in a way she has never been before.

Then Greg begins to sob, and his arms wrap around her, holding her close.

As she embraces him in her warmth, she wonders if humans have been in her shoes before; if they have made loved ones grieve for them before they’ve passed, knowing they’ll be bringing new life with their passing.

A part of her aches. A part of her fears.

“They’re in there,” she murmurs, hoping to comfort him. “Kickin’ around. Probably gets that from you.”

Greg chuckles, though it’s tinged with tears. “Yeah, right, miss ‘rebel leader.’ They’re gonna get all of their feistiness from you, and you know it.”

She can’t help the smile. “Yes. I do.”

-

By the time they are recording the tapes — the only thing their child will ever have of her — Rose can’t help but think, for once without any fear at all, as she stares into the camera and speaks to someone she will never know:

Rose Quartz has never loved anyone more than she has loved Steven Universe.

[incomingalbatross]

For the Director's Cut ask: Illumination, as much or as little of it as you would like

Ooh, thank you! :D

(Illumination: part 1, part 2)

Some of this I may have already said in comment responses, but I’ll try not to repeat myself too much. :P

I don’t remember as much about Part 1... But I do remember being very pleased with the title, since the lightsaber is both literally and metaphorically illuminating the scene for Mike.

Rereading Adair’s parts makes me laugh a little, because he is just... not here for the Weird Jedi Drama that’s suddenly popped up. He just wants to escape in peace!

Oh! Here’s my favorite thing about Part 1 that I know I haven’t mentioned before...

Something flickered in Psmith's eyes. He smiled at Mike for an instant. Then his eyes fixed on his lightsaber blade, as he began to twirl it faster and faster before him.

"Don't worry, Padawan," he said lightly, still watching the blade's glow as he began to move purposefully toward the corner.  "I'll be right behind you."

Cool as his demeanor was, there was a note in his voice Mike had never heard from him before.

“Don’t worry, Padawan. I’ll be right behind you,” aka (in my head) the last words he heard from the Jedi Master who died to save him--and whose lightsaber he’s now wielding.

(I know he never reached Padawan himself, but I think either he looked older than he was or he was part of a group of kids being protected? My memory is a little hazy on that, I’m afraid...)

The “something” in his eyes and the note in his voice are both related to this. After years on the run, trying to make sense of the slaughter in the Temple and especially of that master’s sacrifice to save him... Finally, he’s found a good reason. He’s realizing that he’s found something to do with his life that feels like it justifies the price paid for it--and, perhaps paradoxically, it’s repeating that payment. He’s honoring the sacrifice for his life by giving up said life--but, after all, anything really worth living for is worth dying for. And even with the survivor’s guilt, Mike’s life feels more than worth his.

Anyway yes I have Feelings about that bit.

And Part 2! Part 2 took significantly more work, both because it was longer and because it had a lot more moving pieces. (This was the story that made me realize “oh hey, apparently I can write a decent action scene,” which was nice.)

Managing the action-dialogue balance, and trying to find a plausible skill level for Psmith that still worked with the story, was... an adventure. :P

I knew from the start that I wanted the headmaster’s POV, to parallel Mike and Psmith, and also for Dunster to keep his deus ex machina role (albeit a slightly more dramatic one). And I’m glad I got to keep the headmaster’s sympathetic side--I do like him.

It didn’t make it in here, but I think Adair probably killed Downing? I figure he’s very villainous in this setting, and as our most straightforwardly-heroic character it felt fitting for Adair to defeat him.

Hm. I don’t think I noticed this when I wrote it, but...

“Are you really hoping to leave with your friends, at this point? If you don’t catch up within a few minutes’ time, they’ll almost certainly leave without you.”

“Such is my hope, I confess…” for the first time, Psmith let his speech be interrupted by the demands of combat, but soon picked up the thread again, “A forlorn one, perhaps, but I hold fast to it.”

It sounds like he’s saying he hopes he can leave with his friends... But I’m 95% sure that I (and Psmith) meant it as “I hope they leave without me.” He snuck double-talk past me! That is very Psmith.

Psmith had to try a mind trick, because he would--but it couldn’t work if I wanted to give Dunster a meaningful role. I’m fairly certain that’s how the trooper who shot him found his way in--I’m not happy about Psmith’s wound, but I must confess I’m proud of the poor guy’s quick thinking.

(Also, figuring out what to call the Imperial troops was a bit of a pain... I mostly went with “troopers” but I wasn’t sure about it.)

The “speak when you’re spoken to, one-word answers” bit was good tactics, but I also wrote it as set-up for Psmith’s last line. ;)

Psmith’s reaction to Dunster (as I’m sure you noticed) was a deliberate echo of his book reaction. “He laughed, sir.” “Laughed?” “Yes, sir. He rolled about.” I enjoyed the chance to actually write it, instead of just hearing about it!

The headmaster is coming with them because A) I wanted to get them to safety, and he was the POV character, and B) I needed that final exchange between him and Psmith. ;P

Is Mike “the best pilot ever to pass through (their) unhallowed halls”? I don’t know... But this is Psmith talking about him, so of course he says he is.

Psmith may or may not be adding some emotional push to convince the headmaster... but either way, the facts are true, and they both know it.

...I’d forgotten Dunster says “The Force be with you.” I appreciate that (and so did Psmith--it’s not often he gets respectful acknowledgement of Jedi culture, obviously).

“Turning away, he scanned the hangar a moment before zeroing in on one TIE fighter.“ Force powers! Finding Mike’s mind!

“Why?” the headmaster asked helplessly. “I mean, I know why you came here, but why stay so long? Why reveal yourself helping this escape, if you really aren’t part of the Rebellion? Why … Why any of this?” (...)  “Jackson,” he said matter-of-factly. Hey look, it’s my favorite part. :)

This was also intended very much as an echo of his canon talk with the headmaster--I love those few moments of rare, unfiltered honesty, when he drops his masks and flowery language and just tells the truth. Fewer words generally mean more, coming from him, so I took that to its logical extreme. ;)

Thank you again for asking! It was fun revisiting this... Psmith is a joy to write, even if he’s also a challenge.

[heartofsnark]

Black Market Wonderland (Chapter Six): A messy brain, I’m not okay

Notes:  As always, thanks for the continuous support of this story. There has even been people doing fan art of Tsuneko which blows my mind. This was another chapter I struggled with, I’m still unsure when writing Rhion. But, I love him enough to try.

Word Count:  5,499

Warnings:  Nightmare, Suicide (within nightmare) and another panic attack for good measure. I feel like Tsuneko has a lot of panic attacks but given her situation, I feel it’s justified.

Missed the last chapter? Link Here!

Tsuneko’s dorm kitchenette is filled with savory and sweet scents; she puts the finishing touch on the final dish with a low hum. She packs it all away in containers, it will be a pain carrying all of the dishes, but she’ll have to manage. It’s odd how excited she is about this, after dealing with Ichinomiya and Oh, visiting Wonderland feels like a vacation. For all his eccentricities, the Hatter has by far been the kindest of the men involved with the auctions. The only one who can even compare is Baba, but his kindness comes with incessant and nauseating attempts to flirt.

There are a few blotches of stuff on her apron and she hopes it doesn’t stain, ironic given what it is, but she can’t help it. She tosses it in the hamper and throws on a jacket; she already changed into more casual clothes the second she was back from the boutique. She feels so much better in her own clothes, her hair done a way she likes, and she even put in her tongue ring. It was something reckless she did a few years ago in college, she rarely gets to wear it anymore with her job, but it feels nice to have it back in place.

She gathers the food, balancing it all in her arms as she heads out. Tsuneko has to cut through the lobby to head towards Wonderland. She feels a little out of place, she’s basically only here if she’s working, so wearing her casual clothes in the lobby is a new experience.

“Tsuneko!” A familiar and accented voice rings out, every muscle in her body tenses as Mr. Bucci comes over.

“Hello, Mr. Bucci, it’s a pleasure to see you again.” She’s careful as she speaks, aware of the possibility of showing her tongue ring. As much as she likes fucking over Ichinomiya looking like some sort of delinquent in front of his potential work partner feels like a step too far.

“I thought you were spending the day with Carolina and them?”

“I was with them earlier, but I had to leave, I’m on my way to drop off some food actually.”

“You cook?”

“A little, actually,” she manages to open the top container, “do you want a piece of cherry almond bread?’

The older man guffaws at her struggling to get a piece out, she’s hoping the sweet can soothe any bad impression she’s made.

“Thank you very much,” he takes a bite, “there’s nothing better than home cooking, I swear.”

“I’m so glad you like it, I’ll have you cook something just for you while you’re here.”

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll be looking forward to it then.”

Tsuneko waves him off and sighs once he’s out of hearing distance, he’s definitely easier to contend with than his daughter, but she’d still hate to upset him. Not only is he important for Ichinomiya’s work, but she really doesn’t want to make enemies with the Italian mafia. Doesn’t sound like a good time to her. She takes the stairs down to the Hatter’s tea room and knocks on the door.

“It’s Tsune- Alice.”

“Come in! Come in!”

Tsuneko steps into the room and no less surreal than it was the first time, she’s not sure she could ever get used to this. This time the table is already set, the decorations from last time are still out, and the costumed men are already at the table.

“We’ve all been waiting; I’ve been so excited I could barely set the table.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, now,” she tells him as she sets everything out, “do you mind pouring the tea?”

The scent of Assam tea mingles with the smells of the food she’s made; Yorkshire pudding with roast, gravy and vegetables. Along with the lemon chiffon pie he requested as a dessert, she made cherry almond bread. He seems to have a taste for sweet fruity things; the lemon chiffon pie and raspberry sauce both coming to mind. The Hatter’s eyes are trained on her as she plates the main course; she tried to make a lot since the March Hare and Dormouse are here as well.

“You seem to be in high spirits today, Alice.”

“Do I?”

“You do.”

“I had a lot of fun cooking for you, plus I’d rather be here than with any of the penthouse guys any day.” she answers with a shrug.

“Ahh, you’ll make my heart fly out of my chest, saying things like that.”

“Pfft, sure, I just hope you like everything I made.”

“It smells so delicious; I might drift off to sleep.” The Hatter closes his eyes and takes a deep inhale.

“I swear to god, if you fall asleep before you even try any of this, I’ll be shoving it down your throat.”

“Ah! How scary!” He jolts up in his seat with wide eyes and she can’t help but snicker.

“Here you go,” she places a plate in front of the Hatter and the two pseudo-furries, other than initial greetings the two have never spoken. If they’re the people the Mad Hatter is always with, he must get lonely, doesn’t he? She shakes off the thought and takes her seat.

“Yes, this is it! Look how the middle is sunken in, isn’t it lovely! ~”

“I just hope it tastes good.” She tried them before hand, but just because they taste good to her doesn’t mean they’ll meet his standard, since he actually knows how they’re supposed to taste.

“Let’s have a taste, Alice,” her leg bounces with nervous energy as the Hatter takes a bite, “mmm, it’s delicious, both the texture and flavor is perfection! ~”

“Yes,” she pumps her fist, “I’m so happy you like them!”

Her nerves relax and she takes a big bite out of her own Yorkshire pudding, the soft texture of the bread mixed with the flavor of the gravy brightens her smile even more.

“How is it?”

“It’s really soft and delicious.”

“Yes, I’m so glad you like them, Alice! ~”

“I’m happy they turned out well, I was really worried when you first asked me to make them. I had no idea what they were.”

“Really? What did you think it was?” He tilts his head to the side, his oversized hat nearly falling off from the movement.

“Uhhhh,” heat floods her cheeks and she stares at her plate, “like dessert pudding, possibly…shaped like a dog…like the terriers.”

“Pfffft, hahahaha!”

A peal of laughter escapes his painted lips and she buries her head in her hands, her skin feels like it’s on fire.

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me!”

“You say the most interesting things, Alice! ~,” he takes a bite of the roast beef, “mmm, the roast beef is perfectly cooked and the gravy is robust and flavorful!”

“You’re too nice.”

“It’s a lovely dinner, the roast beef is sliced so perfectly thin. If it’s cut too thick, it wouldn’t make for a good sandwich later. Ah, isn’t it a wonder how such a delicious meal can be made from such simple ingredients?”

“It really is. I thought it would be a lot more complicated.”

“Flour, eggs, and milk, that’s all the batter is, it’s like it’s transformed by magic!”

Tsuneko’s face is red through the entire meal, as laves compliment after compliment on her cooking. Every bite of food is accompanied by a noise of pleasure and a poetic gushing of how much he loves it. He cleans his plate of the main dish before digging into the cherry almond bread.

“Mmmm, the tart cherries and sweet bread are a lovely a combination! ~”

It’s gone in moments and she’s licking crumbs off her fingers, as the Hatter begins to dig into the lemon chiffon pie. She can’t get over how childlike all his actions seem to be, excitedly digging into every dish with an impossibly wide smile.

“The ephemeral meringue reminds me of a night blooming cactus as it melts instantly in my mouth. The sweet and sour lemon cream gives life to my very heart! ~”

“I’m pretty sure if your heart was pumping lemon cream, you’d die.”

“And I’m pretty sure you can’t make pudding into the shape of a dog,” he teases with a soft smile.

“Shut up.”

She pouts and takes a sip of tea, once the food is gone the March Hare and Dormouse take their leave, not long after a familiar fluff ball comes walking in.

“Oh, Cheshire, how are you today?”

The Hatter greets the oversized cat as she tries to jump into a seat, but she has trouble lifting herself. Tsuneko puts her hand under Cheshire’s back feet and gives her a lift up.

“Back from your nightly walk, are you?” Cheshire mews back at the Hatter’s question, “Oh? That’s wonderful. That’s the best part of taking a walk, isn’t it?”

“What did Cheshire say?” Tsuneko raises an eyebrow, humoring the Hatter’s attempt to be Dr. Doolittle.

“She was watching a beautiful butterfly fall asleep and felt the night breeze caress her cheeks.”

“Sounds like a lovely time, are you hungry?”

Tsuneko gets a little piece of roast beef, letting Cheshire eat it from her hand. Once she’s cleaned her hand, she starts scratching her ear, the cat leaning into the touch and purring.

“I think Cheshire has gained some weight.”

“It’s fine, she wears it well, want me to brush her fur out?”

The Hatter smiles brightly and brings her a brush. She begins stroking it through the cat’s fur; the silky fluff is relaxing to pet through. Cheshire curls up in her lap, purring with every brush and pet against her fur.

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something, about the auctions,” Tsuneko brings up, scratching under Cheshire’s chin.

“Hmm, what could that be?”

Tsuneko’s mouth dries out, thoughts of that stage, that night. This isn’t stage fright, she knows that. She’s never been afraid of speaking to crowds, but any advice or help from someone who steps onto that stage regularly is welcomed. She clicks her tongue ring against the roof of her mouth, fidgeting with Cheshire’s fur.

“Do you…ever get…nervous getting on stage?”

His head tilts curiously to the side, his hat once again threatening to topple over. He chews on his painted bottom lip and his face wrinkles in concentration.

“Are you nervous about it?”

“Uh….maybe, just a bit.”

“Why would the stage make you nervous?”

“Y’know, being stared at...and gunk…” She supposes severe trauma from being sold like a literal object can be safely tucked into the ‘gunk’ category.  

"You worry about the silliest things," he waves his hand like it'll make her fear disappear, "you'll do wonderfully!"

Despite the chipper tone, not a single word that came out of his mouth was helpful. She sighs, she’s not sure what she expected, the Hatter is eccentric at best and completely detached from reality at worse, why would he be able to help her?

“’Preciate it,” she teeters back in her chair with her feet on the table and Cheshire still in her lap, “so, you grew up in England?”  

His smile drops and every muscle in his body tenses, like she’s thrown cold water on him. She plays with the ring in her tongue, nervously pushing it up and down. She’s never seen him like this, like her one little question has sent his world crashing down.

“The place where I grew up…yes.”

“You said the Yorkshire pudding was from your home country, so I was curious…”

“The place where I grew up, it’s a place where there are beautiful roses…”

His eyes soften when he mentions the roses and Tsuneko finds her own wandering to the walls of Wonderland. Roses are painted over them, what she once assumed was just another reference to his favorite fairy tale has taken on a new meaning. Clearly, he has conflicted feelings about where he came from, but the roses seem to be a pleasant memory for him. There’s a pang in her heart, as strange as he is, he’s a kind person and seeing him hurt for even a second hurts her.

“That must be nice, roses are really beautiful.”

“They are,” he’s beaming again, “being surrounded by beautiful things is the best. That’s why Wonderland is so incredible. The clear sky, the lush garden, a wonderful table at which to have parties, roses, and-oh, I know there’s something I haven’t shown you yet, Alice!”

He’s gesturing flamboyantly as he rushes towards the wall, Cheshire hops out of her lap to start sniffing around the room. Tsuneko idly picks at the fur left on her shorts and tights while she waits for the Hatter’s new surprise. She hears the click of a switch and her breath catches in her throat.

The ceiling has shifted, no longer showing an evening sky, it’s now pitch black with gleaming stars. It looks so real, she knows it’s not, but she can see the starlight shining against the velvet black. It almost feels like she’s back home, sitting on her roof and stargazing again.

“Whoa, they look so real.”

“They are real stars in Wonderland.”

“It reminds me of when I was little,” Tsuneko can’t help but say, maybe because he talked a bit about his past, she feels like she should share her own.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it was a small place so you could see the stars really well. I use to always climb up to the roof of our house to see them. My dad kept telling me I was gonna fall and break my neck, he would worry over the stupidest shit.”

“Did you ever fall?”

“Yeah, but I broke my arm, so,” she shrugs her shoulders, “won that one.”

The Hatter laughs and she finds herself joining it, cracking up at her own dumb ass.

“You have a way at looking at the bright side, I suppose,” The Hatter manages to say as his giggles die down.

“Hmmm, more like just spiteful enough to say I won no matter what, but spin it however you want,” she pauses for a moment, “you want to like properly stargaze?”

“Properly stargaze?”

She smiles at the way his head tilts again; she wonders what he looks like beneath the makeup. His behaviors alone are too cute; does he have a cute face to match? Wait, what is she thinking? He’s an auctioneer who helped sell her, no matter how kind or cute he may or may not be, she can’t forget that.

“Yeah,” she shakes off the odd thought, “when there are stargazing event people will get blankets and lay out on the ground to watch them.”

“Oh,” his eyes are bright and wide, “that sounds like fun, let's do that!”

“Okay, help me move the table so we can lie down.”

She hooks her fingers under one side of the table and the Hatter’s eyebrows furrow, but follows suit in getting his hand on the other side. He’s biting his lip, is he worried about something?

“Count of three lift it up with me okay; one, two, three!”

She lifts and realizes why he was worried; she’s definitely lifting the brunt of the table’s weight. His arms are trembling from what he’s holding up, he’s not very strong. She finds herself smiling as she guide him to helping her move the table further off to the side, that must be why he needs the furry guys to move stuff. They put down the table once it’s far enough to the side and he’s letting out soft huffs of air, little beads of sweat make his makeup run a bit. It wasn’t that heavy, next time she could probably lift it alone.

“Do you have any extra blankets?”

“Uh, um, in the closet.” He points her in a direction; he’s too winded to be dramatic about it.

She’s smiling as she rummages, finding the biggest softest blanket she can. It falls across the center of the room with a soft noise, big enough for two and a cat. Tsuneko falls back against the blanket with all the grace of a boulder, stretching her arms and legs out to feel the soft fabric beneath her.

The Hatter follows suit, falling in place beside her. She can feel the warmth of his presence next to her, the fabric of his costume brushing against her, his limbs tangled with her own in the places where their sprawled bodies overlap and the way any semblance of personal space has been abandoned.

It’s not uncomfortable though, it should be but it isn’t. This kind of thing usually makes her want to scream and run away. Blurring of boundaries and sharing stories of the past, things that normally put a pit in her stomach feel fine here with him. Why? She’s never told Sakiko or Chisato a thing about her past, not even little anecdotes and she usually doesn’t let them too close, a casual touch here and there too. But, she’s never been able to relax like this, just letting someone be in her space.

Her eyes drift from the artificial stars to the man beside her, eyes narrowing as she tries to crack this code. His hat fell off, the teal hair color must be wash out, and she can see black patches of hair starting to peek through. The white face paint around his neck and forehead has started to rub off, little patches of regular fair skin beneath. She wants to fix it, retouch up his hair and makeup for him. She’s so accustomed to his over the top fake appearance, seeing even glimmers of the person beneath it is making her a little uncomfortable.

It’s because he’s fake.

The realization of it hits her. That’s why this is okay, why she can tell him about falling off the roof and can let him into her space, he’s not real. He is, but he isn’t. Sakiko and Chisato are real people they’re opinions, judgments, and actions have an impact on her. If they know the dumb shit she’s done or see her vulnerable, they’re judgment would hurt so much, because it’ll mean something.

The Hatter is fake, he may exist, but everything about him feels fake. It’s not like talking to a real person; she’s talking to a character, someone whose existence only impacts Wonderland. Everything about him is so far detached from reality, even Wonderland feels like she’s stepped into another world; it feels like nothing here matters. Like saying things to an imaginary friend or Kiyo. It means nothing, so why bother with boundaries? But, the Hatter exists and can give some sort of proper response. He’s not real enough, not enough of a person for her hang ups to matter, but enough of a person that it doesn’t feel like she’s talking to herself.

He falls into this uncanny valley of existence and it brings her a sense of comfort. There’s someone she can tell stupid things too, someone who can hear her, but not impact her. He’s a step up from talking into the void, but still a step down from talking to people. She can relax and have no fear with him, something she thought she could only do alone.

“Do I have something on my face Alice?”

“Huh, ah no, hey, you want to hear something stupid that happened after I broke my arm?” She stares back at the sky as she changes the topic.

“What’s that?”

“A couple days after a kid at school was annoying me, but I couldn’t punch him because of my arm. I was so upset I couldn’t fight because of my cast, I went home and tried to cut it off with a handsaw.”

“What!?” he slaps a hand over his mouth as he laughs.”

“My dad caught me before I broke through it all and had to take me to get it redone; I was so upset I didn’t talk to him for a whole day.”

“I never imagined my Alice was such a violent child,” he teases.

“You have no idea, I was a garbage kid. Like bad seed, demon spawn type shit. My parents would have had better luck raising a rabid dog, I swear.”

“You couldn’t have been that bad.”

“You want to bet? I swear every kid and their parents hated me. One time, a kid’s mom brought in cupcakes I didn’t like, so I pushed him off the jungle gym. Who does that!?”

“Alice, that’s awful!”

“I know, I was the worst, I’m not sure how my folks put up with me.”

“Lots of patience, I’m sure.”

“I think my dad still has a scar from when I bit him for telling me to go to bed.”

“You’re starting to sound more like the jabberwock than my Alice.”

“I can see that, I might be a jabberwock in disguise, you never know.”

“I’d still be happy to have you, even as a jabberwock. I’d adore you, claws and all.”

“You’re too sweet-oof,” the wind is knocked out of her as Cheshire hops onto her chest, “well, hello to you too.”

“What’s that Cheshire? Hmmm, you’d love Alice as a jabberwock too, guess we’re in agreement.”

“Awww, is that true sweetie?” She scratches over the cat’s fur, feeling Cheshire lean into her touch and purr.

“She means every word of it, no matter what she’d adore you.”

Heat flood Tsuneko’s cheeks, he’s really too nice to her, even knowing he helped sell her she can’t help thinking how nice he is.

“Hey, there’s even constellations up there,” Tsuneko points up at the projected night sky, “I’m pretty sure that’s Capricorn.”

“Do you know the constellations Alice?”

“A few of them, not a lot though, there was a girl in my class who could find and name them all in a second.”

There’s a pang in her heart, guilt eating at her when she thinks about that girl, but she swallows it down like bile and pushes those thoughts from her mind. She wants to be happy right now, in this little piece of Wonderland completely divorced from reality and in front of this odd man who seems to only exist here, she wants to be happy.

“Hmm, I’m afraid I don’t know any of them, Alice.”

“I only learned a few from other people; if I’m being honest they don’t mean anything to me. It all looks like random dots to me, the stories are interesting though.”

“Did you get invited out a lot, Alice?”

“Uhhh, invite isn’t really the right word, I just kind of showed up, whether anyone wanted me there or not. They’re fun though, have you ever been to anything like that?”

“Huh!? Uh, I can’t remember clearly, I’ve been in Wonderland for the past four years, so…”

“You haven’t been outside in four years?”

“Huh? Of course not,” his voice trembles and his eyes widen, “are you suggesting I go above ground, your jokes are too much Alice.”

“Hmm, okay, I understand.”

She’s not sure she does fully, but she can tell he must not want to push the issue. Maybe he’s agoraphobic? Why wouldn’t he ever want to leave, he’s even more cut off from reality then she realized. Does he have a family? Do they know what he does?

Does she want to know?

If she knew about those things, he’d be more human. If he’s more human, would she still feel so safe being like this with him? Would this new-found sense of comfort, a strange almost friendship, be ruined once he’s real?

Her eyelids are heavy and she can’t help yawning. How late is it? She checks the time on her phone, it’s past two am, how did time pass by so quickly?

“Are you tired Alice?” The Hatter asks with a soft voice, it feels like a lullaby to her sleepy brain.

Even in Wonderland, completely separate from reality, she’s not going to sleep in front of someone. The most she’s ever allowed is the occasional dozing off at hair salon, but those are never deep or enough for dream, just resting her eyes before she’s told to move. If she allows herself to sleep here, it’ll be a deep dreamy sleep. She’ll have a nightmare and scare him, or worse. There’s no place far enough from reality for her to allow herself to be that vulnerable.

“Yeah, I have to get headed home.” She pulls herself up to her feet and the hatter follows suit.

“Oh…you know, you could sleep here.”

“Uh, no, I couldn’t intrude like that.”

“It wouldn’t be intruding; I…have a room you can use.”

“Huh, you do?”

“I do and it might not be safe for you to walk alone so late.”

“My dorm is like five minutes away.”

His eyes focus on the floor and he pouts.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

His voice is soft and timid; he looks like a lost puppy dog. If he has another bedroom, there are a couple of doors around Wonderland, then she wouldn’t be near him while she was sleeping. So, it wouldn’t be an issue.

“Alright, where’s the spare room?”

“Oh! Yes! It’s right this way! ~”

He’s back to excited child status and all but skips towards one of the doors. She trails after him, movements sluggish with exhaustion. The Hatter opens the door like he’s revealing the most magical of secrets and her eyes widen.

The room is gorgeous, if not for the fact it would mean living with someone, Tsuneko wouldn’t mind staying here permanently. Part of the walls are soft floral patterns, the lower half pastel blue and white vertical stripes. The bed has a soft blue blanket and pale pink canopy.

“It’s so cute!”

“I’m glad you like it, you can use it anytime you want.”

“I really appreciate it, thanks.”

“It’s no problem, I’m happy to have you here; I’ll let you sleep now.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Alice.”

She waves him off for the night and shuts the door, why does he have the extra room? It seems like an odd thing to keep, the March Hare and Dormouse obviously don’t stay here. But, everything about him is odd, so maybe it’s best not to question things. She sends a quick text asking Chisato to check on Kiyo if she can and kicks off her boots, she doesn’t exactly have pajamas here, but she’s tired enough to fall asleep in anything.

Maybe it’s the stress of the shopping trip with Carolina finally coming down on her or having just gotten to relax with someone, either way she doesn’t feel the usual resistance to getting ready to sleep. She’s ready to crash already, she just hope she doesn’t make any noises to attract attention to her room.  The walls don’t seem too thin, but that doesn’t mean soundproof.

She sets an alarm on her phone, tosses off her jacket and undoes the bun that’s been holding up half of her hair before throwing herself on the bed. It’s plush and so soft; it isn’t just nice to look at. Tsuneko roots and finds her way under the blanket; her eyelids grow heavier and heavier as she drifts off to sleep.

A deafening sort of silence overwhelms her as Tsuneko stands in the house; too cold, too dark, and too quiet to be considered a home.

The silence is pierced as rope shifts and wood creaks. Her heart pounds in her ears and she jolts into movement. A different kind of overwhelming, too quiet replaced with too loud, complete whiplash.

Too loud.

Too desperate.

Hot tears stream down her face, her lungs burn with the need to breath. It’s like she’s on fire, heat simmering under her skin and sweat running down the back of her neck.

Tsuneko sees her. Long dark hair falls over her face, noose wrapped tighter around her neck and the wood creaks with the strain to hold her body up. She doesn’t look dead, like she could move or breathe any second. Maybe, Tsuneko can save her.

She’s under them, forcing their weight up onto her shoulders. If she can lift them up higher, she can reduce the tension, stop them from strangling.

If only she was taller.

If only she was stronger.

If only she was smarter.

If only she was faster.

If only she was better.

If only she was enough.

But she’s not.

The weight of the body slumps heavy her shoulders, they’ve gone cold and decay is setting in.

Too short, she couldn’t get them up higher.

Too weak, couldn’t lift them up further.

Too stupid, why didn’t she grab a ladder, something to cut the rope?

Too late, if only she had gotten there sooner.

Too cruel, that’s why they’d choose death over her.

She’s not enough good things and too many bad things, a disgusting mess that drives everyone away.  

Death is more desirable than her.

Death was better than one more moment with her.

Tsuneko wakes up with a jerk, knocking a pillow over in her frenetic movement. Her face is soaking wet, hot tears flooding her vision, she tries to wipe them away but her fingers are numb and trembling.

She can’t catch a deep enough breathe; every breath is a desperate gasp that just feels too shallow to keep her going. Her throat is tight, like it’s swelling and her heart won’t stop pounding.

Just a little peace, that’s all she wants. Why is that too much to ask? Why is her mind constantly reminding her of every failure, why does she have to be such a failure?

She needs to get away. Doesn’t matter where, just away.

Her hands are shaking; she nearly drops her phone and puts her jacket on inside out. She doesn’t bother zipping her boots, just shoving her feet into them before moving.

That’s all she needs to do right now, is move, go, get away. The door of the spare bedroom closes behind her with a noise and her panic fogged brain can just hear the sound of water running.

It’s coming from the bathroom, a shower.

The Hatter is taking a shower, so mundane, but so odd to think of with him. His hair color and makeup would be completely washed away, he must look…human. The water stops and the door starts to creak open. If she stays she’ll see who he is, he’ll be real.

She’s gone.

The door to Wonderland slams shut behind her and she’s taking the stairs two at a time, just pushing forward with every stumble or trip that threatens to send her falling back down.

She doesn’t want to see the real him.

She doesn’t want to see him as a person.

She doesn’t want the illusion broken.

If she lets that happen…

It’s over.

It’s ruined.

Whatever glimmer of happiness, whatever minute amount of peace she’s found here will be destroyed.

He’ll be real, he’ll be human, and he’ll know what a mess she is.

He’ll have shown her the real him before he’s ready, there’s a reason he’s like this, he’ll never want to see her again.

She’s so sick of everything going to shit.

She’s sick of how fragile every moment of happiness is.

She doesn’t want to destroy anything else.

She doesn’t want to ruin anything else.

She doesn’t want to be like this.

Why can’t she stop being like this?

Why can’t she just be happy?

Her feet hurt. She stops moving, a few random people brushing past her without concern for her state. She’s somewhere in the city, she’s not sure where. She just kept moving.

She’s breathing heavy, but it’s different. Huffs from exertion rather than panic. Her heart is starting to calm. Her limbs are heavy and leaden, but no longer numb. She just wants to fall down in the middle of the street and rest, maybe in the road so a truck tire can cave her skull in.

Instead, she checks her phone. She’s going to be late for work. If Ichinomiya thinks she’s avoiding work for the bet, she’ll lose automatically.

Does it even matter?

Can she even get her life back on track if she wins?

Even if she does, will it make her happy?

It’s not like she was ever really happy before.

Maybe even if she wins she’d be better off dead.

She doesn’t have time for this anymore. She’s used up her daily allotted breakdown time it seems, mental health takes a back seat to a paycheck until further notice.

Tsuneko sits down at a nearby bus stop, looking at the schedules available and makes a call, a heavy sigh on her lips.

“Yeah, Kenzaki, I’m going to be late. Sorry for being a bother.”

Her voice cracks with how much she means it. She’s just making everyone else’s life harder, fucking things up, that’s all she ever does.

[ttomatoez]

Anata no Koe

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125325/1/Anata-no-Koe

Summary:  "The one who filled his lonely existence with the emotion called love was Sakura." - Kishimoto. Post-war, SasuSaku fluff and bonding.

Pairing: SasuSaku

Rating: T

A/N: I’m super new to tumblr (as far as posting goes), but I’ve always gotten my ff recommendations from this site, so I thought I’d post some of my own work here to share it with you guys! One day I hope to live up to the same standard as all the wonderful ff I’ve read over the years, but in the meantime, I do hope you enjoy this fic. :)

-CH. 1: 白詰草 - White Clover

She looks happier; peaceful, even.

It's the first thing he notices as he watches her emerge from the shadows outside his holding cell, wordlessly following the brush of her pink hair against the curve of her neck with his mismatched eyes as she steps down the stairs into the light.

He can already tell she's calmed down a lot. There's a softness to her features that he hasn't seen on her before, but he thinks he likes it. He likes the grace in which she walks in her heeled sandals, diligently focused on the metal tray full of first-aid supplies nestled in her arms (as if somehow the pair of quivering glass bottles are what she's been chasing after for so many years and not him). His gaze lingers, calm and curious on the angle of her jaw as she bends to place the tray on one of the visitors stools. It must be the serene expression on her face that's making his chest tighten. The natural arch of her brow leading down to the curve of her lashes, blinking softly. Or the warm half-smile at her lips that could just as easily be a smirk if only he were able to reach into her mind and access her thoughts.

"Sasuke-kun," she says lightly. The shy smile at her lips is soothingly familiar, but it's contradicted by the concerned pinch of her brows as she lifts her head to meet his gaze.

The smile is fake. She's upset.

For the moment, all is still and silent in the hollow, underground caves that have contained him over the past day and a half as they stare at each other in silence. Foreign chakra flickers like static around the otherwise ordinary steel bars, likely sealed three or more times to keep him from escaping. It would take a lot more than that to lock him up for more than five minutes, but he hasn't said anything about it. The drive to fight is lost on him now, discarded right along with his left arm and whatever else remained of his inner demons back at the valley of the end. If he still has any negative feelings buried underneath the numbness in his heart, he hasn't noticed. All that's left of his former self now is an empty shell, a broken bird with the world at its throat.

He looks away discretely, jaw tightening in frustration and shame, absorbing all the unspoken feelings smoldering in her gaze from the other side of the bars. She doesn't have to say anything for him to see what's inside her heart. There's so many conflicting emotions there: disappointment, confusion, anger, hurt, fear, but most of all concern. Concern, not for herself but for him. He's seen the same gut-wrenching pain reflected in her jade eyes over the course of several years, always born from the consequences of his selfish actions, always so selflessly forgiving... It's hard not to recognize it on a surface level - it's Sakura, after all - but without the blind rage and adrenaline-fueled hatred there to cloud his perceptions, he feels it start to gently penetrate the walls of his heart in a way that he can only describe as uncomfortable. For the first time, he can't bring himself to look at her.

She looks off nervously as well, following suit, the smile on her lips settling into an even line. What he may not realize is that over the years, she's become an expert at interpreting all of his non-verbal gestures. If he knows what's in her heart, she knows what's festering in his equally as well (to some extent), but she knows him well enough not to bring it up. For him to simply acknowledge her feelings like this is enough of an apology for right now, so she doesn't mind returning the favor by not pressuring him for more. Maybe someday they'll both be comfortable with expressing themselves out loud, but that day isn't today.

"How's your arm?" she asks, attempting to steer the conversation along. The bandages around his stump are still fresh from when she first put them on a day or so ago while he and Naruto were still unconscious. She did her best to close the opening, cauterizing it with chakra before covering it in healing ointment and wrapping it in several layers of thin gauze, but she knew that the blood would begin to build up again at some point and she would need to come back and change it.

That's what the first-aid supplies are for.

"It stings," he mumbles, glancing at it as if it belonged to someone else.

"Ahh," A genuine smile curls at her lips that he doesn't see. "It'll do that."

Behind him she's already started shuffling the items around in the tray, ripping the gauze into sheets and wetting them with saline. At first it's little more than background noise but curiosity gets the better of him eventually, and he finds himself once again quietly following her movements as if he were a child drinking in new information.

At one time, it must have been around age thirteen, he remembered his distaste for the pinkette had been so strong that he swore he wouldn't touch her if she were the last woman on the planet. He used to find creative places to eat lunch and take shortcuts through the forest just to avoid talking to her, but that had been a different Sakura the whole time. This Sakura; the one with sparkling green studs in her ears who's taller and blinks slower when having a conversation. This Sakura who is not so helplessly clumsy, who measures liquids with her lips slightly parted and barely looks at him anymore, even if it's just long enough to see all the minor ways in which he's changed in such a short amount of time. What would his younger self say if he saw the woman she is now?

They make eye contact as she carefully gathers the tray back into her arms. It feels electric - almost as if nothing ever happened between them in the first place - and she finds herself melting under the smoldering intensity of his gaze. Part of her yearns to know what he's hiding from her; the interest is there, taunting her from the depths of his natural eye. Burning, unyielding. It's the same look she recognizes from the battlefield when he'd caught her delicately under his arm, drinking her in as she drifted in and out of consciousness. At the time she assumed it was love, or at least something like it, but she was wrong.

She looks away for the second time, severing the connection faster than the heat can finish rushing into her face.

"Your bandages need to be changed every two days to prevent infection," she says evenly. The door to his cell would be hell to open for him, but it opens easily enough for her, allowing her to slip through and close it back behind her without ever coming close to dropping the tray. "Right now I'm doing it, but you should be able to yourself after a few sessions - oh, you don't have to stand, Sasuke-kun!"

It's as if she'd anticipated the pain, because by the time the stabbing sensation reaches his chest through his back, she's already lightly dropped the items and rushed to his side to hold him up.

"Here," she says, guiding him back to the wooden bench he was sitting on before. "Sit."

He's sure he must look like an old man, but that's really the least of his worries as he clutches his shirt tightly with the only hand he has left. The pain is similar to what he imagines it feels like to be stabbed by a fistful of chidori; duller and more achey but similar. Is it even possible to feel internal bleeding? Sakura answers his questions with her eyes faster than he can ask them.

"Lean back and relax," she says - it's really more of an instruction - as the pain slowly starts to recede, decaying gradually under the green hue of her chakra pressed to his chest. "I knew there was going to be a little bit of pain from muscle exhaustion, but I healed every major issue I saw when we found you."

Her hands are soft in contrast to the hardened look on her face, slim pink brows drawn together in concentration. The chakra pouring into him is light like a caress, and as more of the pain starts to disappear, he even catches the sweet scent of flowers that's probably her shampoo.

"Sakura-" he grinds out.

"Hush."

He gives her hand a squeeze. At first she thinks it's for comfort, instantly taking her back to their struggles in the chunin exams, but she realizes too late that he's actually pulling it away.

"Just leave it," he says.

Her frown deepens as she slips her hand from his grip. On her face are the words I don't understand.

"Sasuke-" she responds, omitting the honorific. "You're in pain."

When he doesn't look at her she knows there's something else there, but it's not the normal, everyday 'tsk', or 'you're annoying'. It's something deeper; something he probably doesn't even fully comprehend himself. He has a terrible track record of suffering in silence, which is something that has always annoyed her about him, but she continues to try and help him regardless. Even when he doesn't want it.

Her jade eyes blink at him for a few seconds, grasping for the tools to understand but receiving nothing. He's panting lightly now, and there's even a faint tic forming at his brow indicative of frustration.

"At least let me-"

"Sakura."

Naturally, she doesn't make it any easier for him to forget she's there.

The next few seconds pass by wordlessly. He wishes he knew what to say to make her stop worrying, but worrying for Sakura is like breathing and there's probably nothing he can do that will make the medic in her disappear. It's annoying, genuinely, but in a way that's justified by the part of him that isn't quite so wrapped up in his own stubbornness. In other words, his inner self; the part of him that's sealed under strict lock and key and that's often overpowered by his outward persona. The real Sasuke is a lot more docile and caves easily whenever she appears upset or needy. He's calm and curious at the same time but still excitable, much like his older brother, with a rather long-standing, subconscious need to love and be loved by someone that won't eventually disappear. Sakura has the ability to give him that, but that's perhaps what scares him the most about her.

He feels her shoulder shuffle against him and hazards a glance, only to find her pouting like a schoolgirl, lips slightly pursed, eyes downcast and focused on something in the distance. He can't help but look at her skeptically, a small smirk forming on his lips; the last time he saw that face, it was on a much younger version of herself. A much more energetic and aggressive version that once loved him with the strength of her entire being. Always chasing after him, dying for reciprocation. It's funny how simply seeing him in pain is enough to make her forget about all of those conflicting emotions he saw in her earlier. Now she's back to being Sakura again; the same girl that held him in her arms through all of his recklessness, shedding countless tears over his well-being and selflessly shouldering his pain whenever he lacked the ability to express it. She was there even when it put herself in danger. Even when he was the one doing it to her...

He leans his head back and sighs, resting his neck on the padding. The pain in his chest has dulled; he's starting to acclimate to it.

"I deserve it, Sakura," he says finally. "For what I've done."

Her eyes are on him again as he studies the intricate patterns decorating the cave ceiling. Before she speaks, she takes a second to think.

A statement like that is hard to deny when she considers how much trouble he's caused; how many people have lost their lives, directly and indirectly, as a result of his actions. It wasn't even that long ago that he'd betrayed them all completely, punching her through the gut and into a genjutsu. And if that isn't enough of a reason, he then threatened to take control of all the shinobi villages at all of their expense.

As if they meant nothing to him... As if she meant nothing.

The question of whether to forgive him or not weighed heavily on her at some point several months ago - she grieved for a full year when he left the village - but she's past the point of hating him now she thinks. Hatred is like a very strong poison, silent and contagious; it's what drove him to do most of what he did in the first place, but like all poisons, there's an antidote by the name of love. She decided a long time ago not to follow in that cycle, if she were even able to at all. If Naruto doesn't hate him, then neither does she.

He flinches at the sudden warmth of her fingers sliding over his knuckles to grasp his hand. It's such a foreign feeling that he figures it has to be an accident and attempts to tug it back, but (surprise) she doesn't let him go.

"What about if I have mercy on you then?" she replies to his earlier comment, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. He doesn't realize how deadly he looks right now as he flicks his gaze on her, pinning her there with the weapons that are his eyes as if to say what are you doing? Sakura thinks that in his confusion he looks somewhat like a caged animal preparing to pounce at the slightest wrong touch, but it's strikes her more as cute than frightening. Sasuke's panic response has always been defensive rage, but the circumstances are in her favor this time since he's stuck here with her for the immediate time-being. Unbeknownst to her though, he's long forgotten the question.

Before he realizes it he's tracing her movements again, watching her like a hawk as she grasps his hand in both of her palms, slowly bringing it up to rest on her cheek. To his surprise, she closes her eyes, nuzzling it gently as if it's something precious to her.

...

His eyes widen. He tries to swallow, but his mouth is too dry.

"We missed you Sasuke-kun," she says as her eyelids carefully lift to reveal a pair of somber green eyes, glistening now from welled up tears, still clutching his hand to her cheek. It's not that he's afraid to move it - maybe he would if he could - but his body has locked up entirely against his will. He can't move it.

"We all missed you, and-" There's that same bashful look again. How is it possible that he's the only one making eye contact? "W-We forgive you...ya know..?"

Her hands form nervous fists at her sides, but he doesn't seem to notice. She takes a quick glance at his face; it looks like he's been punched in the gut.

"That message is from all of us," she mumbles, fully aware of the heat spreading over her cheeks. She wishes he would say something; she can't stand the silence as it compels her to keep talking. "Even though you're locked up right now, it's only because Tsunade-sama is still out of the village You're fully pardoned, it's just that the council—ha?"

She jumps slightly, green eyes widening at the feel of his hand sliding slowly down her jaw, taking its time over her neck, before coming to rest on her shoulder.

His grip tightens, clutching her as his head gently lowers, shading his face with his bangs. The urge to pull her into him is so strong he can hardly stand it, but there's still a barrier there that pushes her away with equal force. The walls around his heart are still so impenetrable that sometimes, not even he can override them. No matter how much he wants to feel her head on his shoulder, tears of joy staining his shirt as she clutches him with the intensity he knows she's been repressing under fake smiles and gestures of strength for at least the past few years, he can't seem to make himself move.

"Sasuke-kun?" Her brows furrow gently but part of her is still able to understand. She feels the invisible pull of his heart as if it were made of gravity.

She moves before he has the chance to, gently wrapping her arms around him as if she were a blanket, gathering him into a warm hug that gradually tightens as she tries to hold back the tears that have already started to leak out of the corners of her eyes.

‘We forgive you.’

Somehow he thinks it will take him longer than a few minutes, or even a few days, to soak in those words, but in this moment he's thankful (almost as much as he is overwhelmed) for her presence; her touch, her scent, her voice...

He blinks into her shoulder, arm hovering over her lower back as he moves his head to look at her face. Physically, it feels the same as when she hugged him back at the hospital when they were genin. She's still just as soft and warm and feminine as she was back then, eyes squeezed shut in happiness, latched to him with every ounce of love left in her being. It's always been a lot for him to process - it still is - but he feels more now that he's ever felt in the past. Even as his arm squeezes her closer, softly succumbing to her efforts as he buries his face in her neck, he still feels paralyzed by insecurity and the weight of exactly how much he doesn't know. It's always just been easier to sever the bonds, but he's past that now.

"Sakura," he mumbles into the fabric of her collar, eyes softened and glazed over in concentration.

The past several hours left alone with nothing but his thoughts have had a substantial effect on him, giving him the opportunity to ponder over a litany of things; things that bother him, things that he thinks shouldbother him, things that don't even concern him... Now that the war is over, his goals achieved, he can't help but wonder what to do next. Did he even have a choice in the matter? Sure he's been pardoned, but was he really that innocent in the eyes of the village?

Her cheek brushes the side of his head as she turns to look at him. "Mm?"

He hesitates, closing his eyes against the comfort of her shoulder. "What do you think I should do?" he says. "About the village?"

.

.

.

She tries hard to swallow the sting of uneasiness lingering in her gut as she packs the extra gauze back in its wrapper, tossing his old, bloody ones on the right side of the tray where she'll be able to throw them away later. If only she'd been more prepared for that question, maybe she could have given him a better response than what she did...

‘Don't worry about the village. Worry about being a better you.’

Back over on the bench he looks over his new bandages, gripping his fingers as she'd told him to do to better adjust to the stiff material. Whatever he's thinking in that head of his, somehow, she feels like she only made things worse.

"Thank you, Sakura," he says as she lifts the tray back into her hands, ready to leave. At first she thinks it's just for the bandage change, but it's overreaching and actually applies to multiple things. He has the world to thank her for, but all she can seem to picture right now is the night he left, his words to her, and how she'd woken up to a cold bench at her back and a huge hole in her heart.

"Sasuke-kun," she bites her lip, brows drawing together in concern as she looks at him, at the sudden distance between them.

‘Please be here when I get back.’

"I'll be back in two days," she says, and he watches quietly as she disappears into the shadows, the sweet scent of cherry blossoms lingering in the air.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 2.3

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in chapter 2, it was Kaito time all the time (my favourite kind of time), kicking off Shuichi and Kaito’s soon-to-be-epic friendship by hanging out with him all day and learning about astronaut training, communication, and the overactive imagination he had as a kid and hasn’t really lost. Then, thanks to his motive video showing up, I discussed the merits of the “Kaito’s parents died” train over the alternative, and how simply “living” is only an effective motive for murder in this killing game when you’re dying.

This time, we’ll continue talking about the motive videos but in a less Kaito-centric way, as Shuichi rushes to discuss them with everyone else.

Shuichi:  “Ah, I’ll think about that stuff later! I should hurry and tell Kaito!”

It’s pretty adorable how Shuichi just immediately jumps to thinking that Kaito deserves to know this information about his most important people, not even considering that knowing might make Kaito more inclined to murder someone and maybe it’s better not to tell him.

I’m a little surprised Shuichi doesn’t also wonder about his own video, though. On my first time through, I thought this was actually the point of mixing them up – that watching anyone’s video and seeing the format of “here’s the most important people in your life, oh no something bad’s happened to them” would make everyone think “but what about my most important people? Surely they have to be okay, right?” and be desperate and potentially willing to kill simply to see their own video and confirm whether or not their own loved ones are safe.

Bahaha, if you examine any room other than Kaito’s when Shuichi is trying to find him…

Shuichi:  (This isn’t Kaito’s room! Come on, calm down, get a hold of yourself…)

I like the game justifying the player goofing off by trying to play it off as part of Shuichi’s frantic mental state.

Shuichi:  “Hey, has anyone seen Kaito!?”

Kiyo:  “You seem in a panic. Over the Kubs Pad if I’m not mistaken.”

Good job making it obvious to everyone in the dining hall whose video you have, Shuichi.

(Man, I wonder who got Kiyo’s. You’d think that his would have raised some red flags about him. Makes me think that it has to have been Tsumugi, because she’s the only person who wouldn’t have tried to act upon that and warn everyone about the fact that he’s a serial killer. Or he got his own too.)

Important thing to bear in mind from now on: Kirumi has seen her own motive video and is now plotting murder.

Kiyo:  “Kaito and Keebo went to gather everyone else so that we may discuss our plans.”

Of course Kaito would have been one of the people who’d volunteer to do that. This is about co-operation, after all!

(I bet Kaito was the one who went to drag Maki here from her lab.)

Maki:  “I ignored it because I figured it was something stupid.”

This is so wonderfully Maki. Of course she’d think it’s dumb and not want anything to do with it, especially if it seems related to the Monokubs. It’s actually a somewhat-necessary plot point that she never watches Ryoma’s video, but the writers didn’t even remotely have to force it for her to not do so.

Gonta:  “Y-Yeah! Why Gonta get Tsumugi’s video—”

So either the videos’ creators put more effort than was necessary into Tsumugi’s video given that they were supposed to only be seen by their intended recipient anyway, or Tsumugi’s video was kind of suspect but only in a subtle way that went over Gonta’s head. (Then again, Kokichi’s going to see it too eventually, so probably not the latter.)

Ryoma:  “Why not? They’re videos of the most important people in our lives.”

Aww, Ryoma. Look at him being desperate to see if he has any people like that.

Keebo is the most adamant out of anyone that exchanging videos would be a bad idea. I wonder if that was his inner voice telling him that, since the people behind that voice obviously have experience with motive videos in other killing games.

Ryoma:  “I’m against that.”

Tsumugi:  “Huh? Against it? Why? If you see that video, it’ll turn into a motive, right?”

Ryoma:  “That’s why I want to see it.”

Ryoma wants a motive to live!

Kaito:  “It might not matter to you whether you get killed or not, but… We’re different! We all want to live! Wake up already! You’re like some zombie wandering around with no will to live!”

If this were anyone but Ryoma, Kaito would be trying to figure out why he’s acting this way. But because it’s Ryoma, seeing him like this in the first place makes Kaito angry and he gets stuck on that and can’t see beyond it.

Ryoma:  “No will to live, huh? Hmph, if that’s how you see me, then so be it.”

Ryoma’s reaction here rather implies that he thinks Kaito’s judgement of him is wrong – after all, he wants to see the motive videos so that he can find the will to live, which in and of itself is will to live. It’s interesting – but fitting, given how he is – that Ryoma doesn’t really care what Kaito thinks about him and isn’t going to go out of his way to correct him.

Ryoma:  “But I’ve got no plans to change my opinion. That’s just not cool.”

So presumably by this, he simply means he’s not going to change his mind about wanting to see his videos, and not about having no reason to live, since he very much is hoping his video will change his opinion about that and give him a reason to live.

Kokichi:  “Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about killing or dying…”

For once, this is a true statement.

Kokichi:  “But I think it’d be better if we didn’t cooperate with each other. Actually, we *definitely* shouldn’t cooperate with each other!”

Tenko:  “We shouldn’t cooperate? Why not!?”

Kokichi:  “Think back to all of Monokuma’s actions so far. Whenever we tried to work together, Monokuma would retaliate with a plan to make us suffer. It happened when Kaede wanted us to cooperate, and again with these motive videos, right? Which means, the more we try to cooperate, the more he’ll try to make us suffer.”

This is true, but Kokichi is completely missing the point. Obviously Monokuma retaliates by inflicting suffering every time people try to co-operate because everyone’s co-operation is really bad for him! If everyone co-operates fully, there’ll be no more killings and they might manage to escape, which is exactly what he doesn’t want! This means everyone should co-operate more, not less! Sure, Monokuma will continue to try to make them suffer, but that suffering will be worth it if they keep co-operating anyway and manage to escape. Kokichi is too caught up on the fact that the initial suffering inflicted by Monokuma is bad and not focusing on the end result they’ll reach if they push through it anyway because he is a gigantic coward. This is one of the most transparently cowardly opinions Kokichi ever expresses. It’s also very similar to his mindset in chapter 1 when he discouraged everyone from continuing to try the escape tunnel (shoutout to the anon who brought this up and made me realise that they’re related) – he got hung up on the initial pain and suffering it caused them to the point of ignoring the fact that it would have been worth it in the end if they managed to get through it anyway.

…And it’s honestly a little frustrating that nobody else actually picks up on this and explains how drastically Kokichi is missing the point here. I’d have expected Kaito to potentially do that, at least.

Also remember how Kokichi hinted at this opinion of his before, after they saw the Flashback Light, and this is him now explicitly spelling it out in order to be, arguably, helpful. But the thing is, Kokichi hints at so many things he’s aware of that would be potentially helpful to everyone if he spelled them out and explained why he thought this way, but this is the only time he ever does so. Which rather makes it seem like the only reason Kokichi is spelling this out is not because he cares about being helpful to everyone else but because he’s trying to protect himself. Because even if Kokichi pointedly doesn’t co-operate, if everyone else works together and Monokuma decides to make them suffer for it then he’ll make everyone suffer, including Kokichi, and Kokichi doesn’t want that.

Kirumi:  “You are saying that if we do not rally together, we will not be made to suffer?”

Kirumi, at least, is probably semi-agreeing with him because her priorities now are to make sure her murder plan goes off without a hitch, having seen her own motive video, and the less wrenches Monokuma tries to throw into the mix, the better for her.

Kokichi:  “That’s why I had no choice but to screw with you guys.”

Yep, because you’re a huge coward who’s just terrified of what the big, bad Monokuma might do to everyone (especially you) if they actually try and fight back against him.

Shuichi:  “And you’re not lying to us right now?”

Kokichi:  “…Whether I’m lying or not, what I’m saying is still true.”

Surprisingly enough, Kokichi’s statement does make sense. He’s saying, “whether I really feel this way or not, I’m still making a valid point”. Which is the case about a lot of the things he says, really… at least insofar as his points are ever valid, which is frequently debatable, including right now.

Kokichi:  “Anyway, we shouldn’t force ourselves to co-operate. Let’s just all do our own thing.”

Co-operation is not something that people have to force themselves to do, especially not in a dangerous situation like this; it’s just human nature to do so. The fact that Kokichi thinks of it this way is pretty telling about how he really feels about co-operation, in a way that doesn’t have anything to do with how Monokuma may or may not respond to it.

Shuichi:  (It’s *because* we’re trying to co-operate that Monokuma is making us suffer…? But what about… everything we went through…? What was the point of Kaede sacrificing herself…?)

I’d ask why Shuichi hasn’t figured out how obviously Kokichi is missing the point either, but his questioning the point of Kaede’s sacrifice indicates he sort of gets it. Monokuma retaliated to Kaede’s co-operation by leading her into a trap that got her killed. But if they just agree with Kokichi here and never co-operate again, then Kaede only ever existed as an example of what not to do rather than as motivation for the rest of them to keep being brave and trying their best to escape. Kaede would have basically died for nothing.

Kokichi:  “Let’s just exchange our motive videos instead of cooperating with each other.”

Considering that Kokichi got his own video, he knows that Monokuma was not trying to make it so that nobody sees their own video and that mixing them up was an accident. So given what he also just said about co-operation, most of the reason Kokichi wants everyone to see their own video is probably because he knows that’s what Monokuma intended to happen, and he’s afraid that if everyone keeps preventing each other from seeing their videos then Monokuma will do something even worse to them to force this next murder through. He wants to prevent Monokuma’s wrath by giving Monokuma what he’s after – which is to say, another murder. (So much for him saying just a few minutes ago that it’s not that they shouldn’t care about killing or dying – there was a part of him that meant that, but here he goes, being willing to let another murder happen anyway so long as the victim isn’t him.)

But also, look at how he worded that like everyone agreeing to exchange their motive videos wouldn’t also have been a different kind of “co-operation”. Both everyone sharing and everyone not sharing would count as “co-operation”. The only thing that wouldn’t be co-operation is if only some people secretly share their videos without agreeing it with everyone else. I think that’s also partially what Kokichi’s afraid of and why he wants everyone to exchange the videos even if he’s insisting on not calling that “co-operation” because he’s allergic to the concept. He’s afraid of the idea that everyone has to trust on the surface that nobody will share the videos, when anyone could break that trust at any time and then secretly be out to kill. If everyone shared the videos, there would be no more trust necessary from anyone once it happened, which is probably why Kokichi doesn’t think of that scenario as “co-operation”.

Kokichi feeling that way about people secretly seeing their own videos is also pretty hypocritical of him given that he received his own motive video and hasn’t told anyone, giving him currently the second-most reason to kill someone without anybody else knowing that he has that. Not that he would act on it, because he’s already certain he’ll get caught and executed if he tries that, but.

Kokichi:  “C’mon, Gonta, let’s go.”

Gonta:  “What? Gonta, too!?”

Kokichi:  “We promised to think of a way to get everyone to exchange their motive videos, remember? […]”

Gonta:  “W-Wait! Did Gonta make promise!?”

No, you didn’t, Gonta! LEAVE HIM ALONE, KOKICHI.

(This kind of thing is exactly why Gonta needs to be more sure of himself.)

Kaito:  “Quit screwing around… ‘Our sake’? Yeah, right. I’ve had it with his lies.”

Kaito knows what’s up. Because you’d think, given Kaito’s extremely keen intuition regarding people, that if Kokichi really did secretly care about doing things for everyone’s sake, Kaito would be able to pick up on that even though all outward signs say otherwise. Just like how he’s going to pick up on the fact that Maki is a good person despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Kaito:  “Wait up, Ryoma! Don’t forget. We’re all struggling to get out of here alive. So don’t get in our way…”

Ryoma:  “I’ve got no intention of getting in your way. I’d never do something so uncool.”

Kaito is probably saying this because he’s worried Ryoma will also try to get everyone to swap videos and therefore increase the chance of a murder happening. But of course, Ryoma only cares about seeing his own video, and he’s very much not the kind of person who’d deliberately endanger everyone else just to get something he wants (unlike someone else here). Someone with no reason to live, but who still cares about everyone else around him, wouldn’t ever be that selfish.

Kirumi:  “My workload has increased significantly… This calls for a more tactical approach.”

Yep, on top of all the requests everyone’s just given Kirumi, she’s also got to come up with a whole murder plot now.

Really, though, let’s respect Kirumi for the fact that she continues to try and fulfil everyone’s wishes right up until she commits murder. She still cares about everyone here and doesn’t want to have to sacrifice them all to escape.

Himiko:  “…”

Tenko:  “…Wait, what’s wrong, Himiko? Are you hungry?”

Himiko is clearly too depressed to feel hungry, what with the newest motive having made the situation even more awful again. But I can understand why Tenko might assume this, since she’s probably the sort of person who gets in a bad mood when she’s hungry and she’s projecting that onto Himiko.

Shuichi:  (I wish I could do something on my own, but that’s impossible… If I screw up, it’ll be just like Kaede all over again—)

Shuichi is still beating himself up and being afraid of making the slightest mistake.

Shuichi:  (I can’t stand around doing nothing! I… promised her!)

But since he’s still desperate to try and do something, why don’t we say he’s going to do so by trying to pry Gonta away from whatever nefarious plans Kokichi has with him? By which I mean Gonta is my other free time target in this chapter, because it’s at least vaguely plausible that Shuichi might be worried about him in particular after Kokichi dragged him off like that at breakfast. (And because I really like Gonta, okay, shush.)

Ryoma:  “Since the motives were swapped, as long as we don’t sort them out, no murders will happen… Or so Keebo said, but… Somebody might take action because they want to see the motive…”

Hah, Ryoma’s having the same thought that I did first time around. Of course, he’s thinking this because he wants to see his own motive video more than anyone else. (Except… you really don’t, Ryoma. Trust me on this.)

Himiko and Angie are hanging out in the same place. Oh, dear.

Kaito:  “How in the world did he end up like that…?”

Kaito is still hung up on Ryoma. At least now it seems he’s progressed to the point of wondering why Ryoma feels this way. I’m… not sure if he knows about the part where Ryoma slaughtered a whole mafia. You’d think he’d have heard that from the news? But even if he did, it’s not like the news would have mentioned why, so.

Sorry, though, Kaito, I’m going to leave you to brood for now. Shuichi has a Gonta to try and pry away from Kokichi. He’s hanging out with Kokichi right now, of course.

Gonta:  “Oh! Shuichi! You here to help Gonta think of way to get everyone to trade motives?”

Unfortunately it seems that Kokichi has already convinced Gonta that trading motive videos is the correct course of action.

Gonta:  “Huh? You wanna spend time with Gonta? But Kokichi already invite Gonta…”

Kokichi:  “Oh, it’s fine. Let’s hang out later.”

Gonta:  “O-Okay! Then what should we do, Shuichi?”

There’s an exchange like this whether you hang out with Gonta or with Kokichi for each of the time slots when they’re plotting together. It’s a neat touch.

Gonta:  “Gonta very, very happy! This maybe first time Gonta spend free time with anyone!”

…except for Kokichi just now. Let’s assume Gonta doesn’t think that counts in the same way. After all, Kokichi’s spending time with him for a specific purpose and not because he just wants to hang out as friends.

But, aww, poor Gonta not having had anyone want to hang out with him before just because he looks scary.

Gonta:  “So Gonta will work hard! Treat Shuichi like true gentleman!”

Shuichi:  “Ah, it’s okay, Gonta. You don’t have to be so… intense. Just talking is fine.”

And he’s so desperate to make sure he shows Shuichi a good time so that Shuichi won’t regret hanging out with him. Gontaaaa, just getting to spend time with someone as lovely as you is more than worth it.

Gonta’s idea of a good time is racing.

Shuichi:  “Race?”

Gonta:  “Gonta good at running! Running full speed through forest so much fun! Plus, feel good to run like wind. Maybe nice change of pace.”

Because it’s the kind of thing he always used to do for fun in the forest and he doesn’t realise a lot of people in human society maybe don’t find it as fun as he does.

Shuichi:  (Gonta grabbed my hand and pulled me firmly, and I ran along behind him.) “G-Gonta! You’re running too fast!”

I’m picturing Shuichi being dragged along so fast that his feet are barely touching the ground any more as he flails behind Gonta like a banner. I keep vaguely wanting to draw this.

Shuichi ends up so exhausted that he almost trips and falls down the stairs to the basement, but Gonta catches him.

Gonta:  “No thank Gonta… Gonta make Shuichi run… This all Gonta’s fault… Sorry… Gonta not very fun after all…”

Here’s more of Gonta apologising because he’s so unsure of himself – he wasn’t sure what the best thing to do while hanging out with Shuichi was, but he picked the best thing he could think of, and yet now he’s ended up convinced that it was a terrible idea and he should never have done it. Poor Gonta, always desperately trying to do the right thing but never knowing how.

Shuichi:  “Why did you invite me? Kaito looks like he’d be better at running…”

Gonta:  “Invite Kaito? You sure? Gonta not wanna make trouble…”

This is me picking not-the-nicest dialogue option again just so that I can have a chance to say: oh man wouldn’t it be great if Gonta and Kaito did actually hang out more, though. They’re both adorable and very similar in some ways but very different in others and I’d love to see them become better friends than they do in canon.

Although really the problem here isn’t that Gonta invited Shuichi – since after all it was Shuichi who invited Gonta to hang out in the first place – but just that Gonta suggested an activity that wasn’t the most appropriate for Shuichi, because he wasn’t able to see that not everyone would necessarily enjoy it as much as him.

Shuichi:  “Ah, um, Gonta… I had a lot of fun, running with you. I’d like to do this again sometime. The next time you need another change of pace.”

Shuichi still says this, though, regardless of which dialogue option you pick! So yay. Having a change of pace and moving his body instead of using his mind is exactly the kind of thing Shuichi needs right now, even if Gonta doesn’t realise it.

Gonta:  “Gonta do anything for Shuichi! Gonta protect you! Like gentleman!”

Shuichi:  (Gonta is brimming with positivity. …Gonta really is pure.)

Exactly what I was about to say, Shuichi! He’s such a good.

Tenko:  “I can’t stop thinking about it… Who’s in my motive video? N-No, I can’t! I would be falling right into Monokuma’s trap!”

See what I mean about how I thought the real trap was people wondering about who’s in their motive video and be potentially willing to take drastic action just to see it?

Keebo:  “I also want to know what is contained in my motive video… But…”

Keebo’s video almost certainly contains his father, the professor who created him. Keebo probably already knows this and is thinking instead about what bad thing may or may not have happened to him according to the video. This is exactly what’s so dangerous about knowing your video exists and roughly what it’ll be like but not its exact contents.

Himiko and Angie are together again, this time in Himiko’s lab. We all know where this is going.

Himiko:  “Angie’s been talking to me non-stop…”

Yeah, brainwashing you. It doesn’t look like Himiko had much of her own input in the matter, either.

Gonta and Kokichi are also still together, of course.

Gonta:  “Oh, Shuichi… Kokichi say stuff that hard to understand… Make Gonta feel sleepy…”

Poor Gonta. Let’s imagine Shuichi assumes from this that he did enough earlier to prevent Kokichi from manipulating him. Totally not just because I still want to hang out with Kaito once more in this chapter or anything.

Interestingly, Ryoma is hanging out in the corridor not far from where Maki is guarding her lab. He doesn’t know she has his video yet, but he has seen hers, so he’s the only one right now other than Maki herself (and Tsumugi) who knows why she’s guarding that lab.

Meanwhile, Kaito is hanging out inside Ryoma’s lab, which means that he’s apparently still brooding about Ryoma on some level even though this time he manages not to voice it to Shuichi.

Kaito:  “Oh, Shuichi. What’s up? You wanna talk about something?”

Shuichi:  (Should I hang out with Kaito for a while?) [Yes]

Kaito:  “Yeah, that’s fine. I… was just thinking I wanted to talk to you.”

This is a little hint that Kaito is already thinking of starting to train Shuichi! Honestly it wouldn’t be surprising if he just up and started doing it now. Let’s assume he decides to wait until nighttime anyway because he prefers to train outside when the stars are out, since, you know, space. And maybe some other reasons that we’ll get to.

Besides, we still have the rest of his ridiculou – I mean, very exciting and definitely true story to hear, right?

Kaito:  “Hey! If you’re back, that means… Haha! You really want to listen to my stories, huh!? Well, if you say so!”

It’s pretty interesting that Kaito’s idea of “how to make friends with someone” appears to equate to “telling them (completely exaggerated and made up) stories about how cool and heroic he totally is”. He does not know how to have normal, down-to-earth interactions with people at all.

Shuichi:  (*You* were the one who said you’d finish the story next time…)

Again with Shuichi sounding mildly annoyed, putting this scene probably before the training. That said, Shuichi still came to hear the rest of the story, so he can’t be that annoyed.

Kaito:  “Umm, what happened after that…? Oh, I remember! Something amazing happened before I got off my boat!”

Shuichi:  (You say it was amazing, but you forgot it? …I’ll keep it to myself.)

Yeah, that wasn’t Kaito almost forgetting his made-up details or anything, because it all definitely happened.

Kaito:  “I got caught in a storm. I thought I was done for, but right when I was preparing for the worst… My boat was eaten by a whale!”

Shuichi:  “Ah. I see.”

I love how deadpan Shuichi is about this whole thing.

Kaito:  “It was a whale, man! The second smartest thing in this world after me! It probably saw my greatness and hid me in its stomach, away from the storm.”

So the whale wasn’t even a greater danger – it was a deus ex machina magically saving him from the danger of the storm without him having to overcome it himself, because he’s just that much of a hero that of course he got out of trouble effortlessly, right?

(Also please take note and appreciate that Kaito is the smartest thing in the world. Clearly.)

Shuichi:  (I didn’t expect this kind of tall tale from you, Kaito.)

…I mean, after the first half of it, what else were you expecting, Shuichi. Although I suppose this whale part is the most implausible part yet.

Next, tiny Kaito decided to conquer the land by entering the jungle.

Kaito:  “I came across something. A giant anaconda that could swallow a man whole!  […] But that was just the beginning… Defeating him opened a gate…”

Aren’t we going to hear about how you defeated the giant anaconda, Kaito? That sounds like a more exciting story to tell than simply the fact that you did defeat it because you’re just that awesome.

Kaito:  “There was a whole civilisation in a giant underground cave! I invaded their empire and made the emperor my sidekick, but…”

Apparently Kaito’s tendency to make literally everyone into his sidekick even extended back to his “heroic adventures” when he was younger. Although given that this emperor was almost certainly imaginary, it seems that back then, his definition of “sidekick” was maybe a bit closer to the normal one. This is probably why he started using that word for the actual people he made into his “sidekicks” later.

Kaito:  “But the time limit came so fast and I had to go back to my gramps’ house.”

Shuichi:  “The time limit?”

Kaito:  “Well, yeah. My summer vacation was over, duh.”

…And there we go: the actually true part. Man, tiny Kaito really knew how to entertain himself during a summer vacation, though.

Kaito:  “Huh? Why I wanna be an astronaut? Was that what we were talking about?”

Shuichi:  “Yes! That’s what we were talking about!”

I love how Kaito got so excited about telling his ridiculous story that he completely forgot the reason he started telling it.

Kaito:  “That’s simple! The universe is the final frontier for me to conquer!”

…I mean, really, Shuichi, you should have been able to figure this out yourself from the story. He conquered the sea and the land, so obviously the next step would be space!

Kaito:  “And it’s sorta cool, isn’t it!? Aren’t astronauts the best!?”

Shuichi:  “…” (So essentially, ‘because it’s cool’ was your reason…)

At first, at least. We’ve heard more from him in other FTEs, including the ones with Kaede, about why he wants to go to space now, which there’s a lot more to than just because space is cool. He probably looked into being an astronaut first because he thought it sounded cool, and then got more serious about it after learning exactly the kinds of things astronauts do that he wanted to be a part of.

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