#again this is no hate on romance or allos or anything related

[goodpointsandbadpoints]

I’m trying to put words to the difference between friends-to-lovers 1 and friends-to-lovers 2. Both are good and fun in their own ways. I’m not trying to say one is better than the other, I’m just trying to distinguish them from one another.

Friends-to-lovers 1: Two people have known each other for a significant amount of time. They have platonic relationship, at least on the outside. But one (or both) are harboring hidden romantic feelings. So they spend part of the story keeping the feelings hidden while performing a platonic relationship (as well as doing plot things). At some point, feelings are revealed and the two begin a romantic relationship.

Examples: 

Always be my Maybe. 

You’ve Got Mail. I’m like 100% sure they’re meant to be in love from online, and then Joe is already in love irl with Kathleen... so yeah there’s already romantic feelings. (there’s also an enemies-to-lovers aspect.)

Spider-Man. Several versions, including the new MCU ones. He’s in love with MJ but is friends with her until, y’know, feelings reveal. 

Yesterday (2019).

With Honors.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Which feels like a hilarious example to put, but it’s true! He really likes her but tries to pass it off as platonic interest at first. 

Chicken Little. I watch a lot of kids movies, okay? Anyway, Abby already has a crush on him from the start of the story, and then at the end Ace says he’s always found her “extremely attractive.” (I love them). 

While You Were Sleeping.

Friends-to-lovers 2: Two people have known each other for a significant amount of time. They have a platonic relationship, and it feels that way on the inside as well. The two have a strong connection, though not a romantic one. They spend part of the story doing plot things and learning more about each other. At some point, the platonic feelings of one person (or both) morph into romantic ones. The two begin a romantic relationship.

Examples: 

Little Women. Specifically Amy’s plot line. 

Howl’s Moving Castle. 

When Harry Met Sally. A staple example of the trope, of course. 

And then all of the other examples I can think of are just canonical friendships that I read as subtextually, potentially romantic, like Spirk or Gimleaf. 

The second one is distinctly demiromantic, and that’s probably why it is the more appealing variation of the trope to me. I’m trying to find a nice slow burn friends-to-lovers fic, but so many of them have the main narrating character already feeling romantic attraction to the other person. I would really love to find something where it starts out completely platonic and changes gradually (or maybe they have a aha! moment) into romantic. 

My mom just pointed out that the enemies-to-lovers trope is more likely to start with no romantic feelings, while friends-to-lovers often starts with hidden pining. 

Another mini thought: I think non-canon ships appeal to me so much because they basically live in the friends-to-lovers 2 area. In the canon material, the characters never have an explicitly romantic relationship. Therefore, I have the room to expand upon that gradual growing of a bond. I can relish the depth of their friendship. (And it feels more like how I experience love: the platonic bond first and foremost.)

[damnfandomproblems]

Fandom Problem #4680:

Outrage over shipping (or lewding) canonically aromantic and / or asexual characters.

I definitely understand the frustration of people just refusing to recognize or acknowledge their identity, since there's so few of them already. But i also see a lot of inflexibility in NOW aro / ace people are viewed or expected to behave. (Mostly either naiive and childishly innocent, awkward quirky teens, or cold robotic and unfeeling). And being aroace myself I rarely see any that actually resonate or feel compelling. Not to say those can't exist ever or that aspec people who ARE happy with them are "wrong" in any way, but I wish the perception what or how an aro / ace person can be wasn't so limited (and honestly---boring).

More of my characters than not are SOME flavor of aspec and all of them have very, very different ways of experiencing it. (And it's not all just "for the representation!!" they just feel natural to the characters and a lot of them are experiences I personally relate to) This includes:

a clout-obsessed social climber who uses relationships as a way of getting what she wants and to boost her ego, and nothing more

someone who's obsessed with the IDEA of romance and really really WANTS to fall in love with someone but it just never happens

someone completely repulsed with sex and romance althogether

an asexual person who wants to try it just to know what it's like but that's all

a sex worker for whom sex is quite literally just "showing up to work" for her, not awful or traumatic or anything, mostly just kinda boring

an aroace person who is so codependant with someone (who's allo) that they basically just form a relationship (along with all the things that usually go with it that the ace person doesn't mind going along with for their sake) I guess what people may call a QPR but that's not a term I personally like to use or find any use for it's okay for others though

someone who's still figuring themself out who hasn't really landed on any specific labels but also isn't really stressing on it that much

someone who takes longer to realize they're aro because for so long what they assumed were romantic feelings was really just feeling flattered, so thought they were "in love with" anyone who was nice to them

aliens whose anatomy includes no sex organs

And sometimes, characters are hot. And characters that are hot get shipped with other hot characters, often with no rhyme or reason other than "hot". Regardless of their canon sexualities. It kinda just comes with the territory of fandom.

(And again I'm really really tired of people using us a a shield to hide their ship hate and sex negativity. Seriously, don't.)

[differentnighttale]

Myself and Asexuality

Yeah, so this is a lil rant about my relationship as being a grey ace girl.

For the longest time, I wasn't attracted to guys, the other way like my peers and I couldn't relate. All my crushes were all romantic and shit but sometimes I do feel the other attraction and sometimes I won't feel it for a month then boom, it comes, and it makes me so uncomfortable. And even I, an older sophomore couldn't believe that people younger than me already freaky ahh thoughts and I didn't.

Other older aces have told me, hey, you might just a late bloomer and did agree because I did feel it but, hey it never strayed that far sometimes and I found myself desiring guys a lot then poof, it goes away.

By then, I used to identify as closely as heteroromantic Grey Ace then.

Right now, I did feel more allo today, but it was still not as wild or intense.

Don't get me wrong, guys, being ace is a SPECTRUM, a very broad and diverse one. Your experiences might not be the same as other people though and that's okay, it's your journey and your trip, hey, you might be wrong, or you might be right, or you might be right.

Try different labels to see if it fits, if it does brava and if it doesn't it's a oh kay.

Okay, Andamo.

Well, to dive in deeper to my experiences. It is my experience with grey asexuality, Aspecs are valid and Arospecs are valid.

I would DNF a book if it's completely filed with NSFW content, I feel very bad about this thought as a reader, I love romance and I crave hand holding, movies and couple stuff but if the couple are constantly at each other, I would DNF the book.

I was once into a very good book, but the content was too much for me but hey, what about the cute moments, I enjoyed it Tho. The laughers sweet face and the cats. Don't forgot the pets.

So yeah.

Ace and Aspec people can love and enjoy content like that. That doesn't mean their less or not ace. Fiction is different from reality; this is just me. Every ace person is different.

I cannot get into NSFW manhwas again unless, it is cute and fluffy and romantic and censored, then I'll enjoy it by scrolling. It's too intense, ew the making out. Or l will overlook it like a mean girl.

Yeah, My friends were right.

I don't judge people's experiences in that manner, I will actually be suspired ad interested and secretly wishing that was me sometimes but overall, I am pretty neutral to indifferent.

But I can write it.

Aces and Aspec can write that, we are very good at it.

Guys, but there are a lot of positive aces not all of us are repulsed by it. Grazie.

Then to me, I dislike wearing short skirts and crop tops, it is sometimes empowering but overall, I do not like it. It makes me uncomfortable, and I hate it, no matter how much I get praised. I feel judged.

Again, Aces and Aspec people can dress all hot and stuff, that doesn't mean they are in fact less ace.

On top of that, figuring out that I am probably very huge probably bisexual or biromantic, complicating my feelings because as for girls is either aesthetic attraction, nervousness or staring then boom goes the bomb, the other way.

Thank you for listening to my TEDtalk.

Midcrop.

(If I said anything wrong or offensive, please tell me. I am a baby ace and trying to shed the light to world and this is my experiences. I censor certain words, so it goes to other audiences too.)

Ciao ,for now.

[mordcore]

i've never fallen in love. i fell in love once and realized that this feeling was completely new to me. it was nice and it was awful. i've never fallen in love and i never want to fall in love again.

when people say "you know it when you feel it" then they are right. if you don't know it then you don't feel it.

idk how i can tell for sure, as i've never felt it.

i've always been 100% end-case aromantic.

i used to be greyromantic but my orientations have changed.

i can't know if i will fall in love in the future.

i definitely won't fall in love in the future.

if i ever start falling in love in the future i'll know how to stop it from happening.

romantic feelings are involuntary and can't be helped.

if i ever had them i would be able to control them though.

love isn't real, it's a big conspiracy and no one knows this.

love is definitely real and i should force myself to feel it.

love means romantic love.

love doesn't mean romantic love, it also includes friends and family, it's a big category.

when people say love they always mean romantic love.

except when aros point this out, then they don't.

i am full of love, just not the romantic kind.

i do not love and i never have.

i love, i just don't like calling it that.

i hate the word love and i never use it.

i use the word love for objects exclusively.

i love heart symbolism and red hearts.

i hate heart symbolism and red hearts.

i like anatomical hearts because they are edgy.

i like to be provocatively aro and offend allos a little bit or maybe even a lot.

i don't want to offend anyone i just wanna stop being erased.

i hate romance in stories it's dumb. all stories would be better without romance.

i like good romantic stories because they are character driven.

i cannot relate to romantic stories at all.

i'm totally weak for the "make emotionally unavailable man soft because you're special" trope .

i never read romantic stories and i hate kissing scenes in movies.

i need to emotionally distance myself from kissing scenes in movies because they kind of bring up compallo-related trauma for me.

i hate kissing and i don't ever wanna do it.

i think kissing can be platonic and something to do with friends and it doesn't have to mean anything.

i'm not someone who kisses people.

i've kissed lots of people in my life.

i don't ever want people to have crushes on me it weirds me out.

i want people to have crushes on me so that i will be special to them.

you don't need romance to be committed to someone.

romanctic love is the higest commitment there is.

romance isn't even real.

no one would have crushes if they spent enough time debunking amatonormativity, and romantic love was invented by capitalism.

romantic love has always existed in the history of humanity.

romance is the opiod of the masses.

i've read and said and thought everything about aromanticism that is there to be said.

we have barely even scratched the surface.

[aroaceconfessions]

I had only four serious crushes in my life (which is more than some of my allo friends tbh but I honestly just think they're lucky that their second crush turned out to be someone very compatible with them so they started dating and they're still together and I had no relationships ever)

Even though I do feel romantic attraction I think I'm demiro because I really need to be close with the person first, and because I don't trust easily it's hard for me to get close to someone, so I end up not really developing feelings for anyone

But one of those four crushes used to be super romance crazy, like... believing in soulmates and saying he finally found the one only to get over those feelings super quickly and then blame himself or desperately search for a new crush. We ended up talking about these things a lot because when we met, I had just had a terrible fight with my best friend (we made up and are friends again, but I really hated him at the time), and I needed someone to be my friend instead of that guy. So in a way I also used this new friend to get over someone so I related. I then figured out I was probably on the aromantic spectrum (I knew I was ace long before that)

I'm saying all this because recently we started talking more again and when I told them I don't think I'll ever have a relationship because it's just not for me, they said the same thing. And now we talk way more than we used to and it feels... I don't know, more genuine than before. Back then we would really just use each other for emotional validation and then nothing. We also used to fight a lot but now we're both in a better place.

He also told me he's demisexual. When we were talking about dating stuff again I told them about my ideal relationship (which was just a QPR but I didn't use that) and they were like "you're right, that does sound perfect".

And in short I think he might be the one person I was always looking for. They're biromantic and on the ace spectrum, same as me, and we're also both nonbinary, so that's a HUGE plus for me since one of the reasons why I can't get close to anyone new is because I don't want to come out to them out of fear. But now I don't know how to feel about anything. I don't think I want to date them? I don't think I want to date anyone at the moment to be honest. And he also still says he has a crush on someone else. I just wish feelings weren't this complicated.

[arotechno]

Aromantic-Official’s Pride Month 2018 Questions!

It’s time for me to finally answer the weekly pride month questions set up by @aromantic-official! I realize it’s the last week of pride month and I’m only doing these now, but I’m a mod. So I get to break the rules. ;)

I apologize in advance, as this post is going to be a monster.

June 1-2: Pride Month Kickoff!

1. What aro pride merch do you have and/or want?

As of right now, all I’ve got is an aro bracelet that my friend made me for my birthday and a green aro ring that I got for a dollar. I would like to get my hands on an aro flag, and some pins or something... but I don’t have the money to throw at pride merch right now! Subtle merch is also good, as I’m out to precisely 3 people offline.

2. What are some of your favorite aro-friendly songs? (Feel free to make a playlist!)

Here. Or for more aro playlists besides mine, my aro jams tag.

3. What are your favorite arospec symbols?

I guess just the flag (the version that I use in my icon)? Arrow symbolism is also cool. Or, if you’re from the arocalypse crowd: papos. Although that might be a dated reference now...

(weeks 1-4 under the cut because I’m nice)

Questions for Week One (June 3-9):

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It was the spring of 2014, when I was a freshman in high school. For most of my life, I never really thought about or questioned my orientation. I figured I would know what I was when I felt it. But I always knew I didn’t get crushes, and figured that wasn’t weird and that I’d get them eventually... That didn’t end up happening, as you might imagine. I was never ashamed of who I was, though--not until people made me feel that way, and I realized maybe I really was different or weird. Thankfully, I had stumbled across asexuality, and consequently aromanticism (this was 2014; if you think it’s hard to find information about aromanticism outside of ace spaces now, think about how it was back then), before that point. It just didn’t really click until somewhere down the line. And even then, I waffled on aromanticism vs. asexuality for quite a bit, feeling more drawn to the ace community due to its size and its exposure, and frankly I couldn’t tell which one I was, though eventually I realized that was because I was both! It’s been several years and I’ve grown a lot, and I’ve become more in tune to my aromanticism apart from my asexuality.

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

It’s funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I’m out as aromantic to three people irl, but I’ve never actually properly come out on my own terms. Two of my friends were peripherally involved at the time that I realized I was aromantic, so they were kind of a part of the realization and I never had to explicitly tell them that I had figured out this part of myself. The third friend came to understand my feelings about attraction before I eventually told her the words. But I’ve never had somebody in my life who presumed I was straight that I was able to explicitly decide I wanted to tell that I wasn’t.

In terms of coming out to myself, it took me about a year after realizing I was aroace to say the words out loud to myself. Sophomore year of high school was when I really began to fully accept that this was who I am and that I could say it and be proud of it, rather than it just being a peripheral aspect of my life that I had to pretend didn’t affect me (because we’re so often taught that we’re supposed to be just like everyone else despite our sexuality, but I have always felt that it made me explicitly not like everyone else, and that was the problem). So I said to myself, in the mirror, “I’m aromantic and asexual.” And I started writing it in my journal. At this point, I was in a weird place where I wasn’t even sure my two closest friends knew I was aroace and that it wasn’t just something I had speculated. It took me until the end of that school year to start using the word not only to myself, but to them as well. Even now, I still talk circles around it sometimes. Internalized aphobia is a real pain in the ass.

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

My aromanticism shapes how I see the world in a lot of ways. It affects me every day of my life. It influences my views on philosophy, relationships, my experiences with gender... I can’t relate to the majority of the world’s population on such a basic level that I’m often left wondering what my place in the world is and feeling like I’m living in a different universe altogether. It’s frustrating, but it can also be exciting. I’m proud of the way being aromantic has shaped me. I think the ways I view the world make sense, and being aromantic has a lot to do with it.

I consider myself to be an existentialist, and accepting that my emotional wants, needs, and experiences didn’t line up with the marriage/kids/white picket fence narrative that I was always expected to follow really helped me realize that if I don’t have to follow that narrative, then I don’t have to follow any narrative at all. I can do whatever I want with my life, and there’s no cosmic reason for me to do anything else. That’s voidpunk, baby.

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

That we’re heartless. That we don’t feel less emotions/weaker emotions than alloromantic people, or generally equating romance with emotions. That we need a QPR or other type of non-romantic partnership to fill a void where romantic relationships “should be.” That aromanticism must modify or be secondary to one’s sexual orientation. That we don’t risk being dehumanized or cut off from people around us when we come out. Arophobia in general.

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I love the arospec community first and foremost, and as I mentioned above I love the way aromanticism shapes my view of the world. I love that the aro community, though we are stereotyped as being heartless, is so full of love and compassion for one another that we can’t even argue with each other, we just have pleasant, generally civil discussions and often end up reaching mutual conclusions. I love that I can make this entire long-winded post about my experiences and not only will people read it, but they’ll appreciate it and respect it.

I hate not being understood. I hate the fact that I don’t want to come out because I’m afraid I’ll have to give an emotionally taxing vocab lesson and/or be dismissed or ridiculed and/or be called a heartless monster. I hate that we don’t have any mainstream representation that doesn’t get ripped from our hands by people who claim we do not deserve it. I hate that there are no aromantic role models in the public eye living happy lives for us to look up to; but then again, I have a secret fondness for being part of a generation that future aromantics will be able to look up to.

Questions for Week Two (June 10-16):

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with?

I identify as aromantic. I also use nonamorous as a descriptor a lot of the time. That’s pretty much it. The term arogender kind of speaks to me in a way (I was there when it was coined!), as my experience with gender does feel influenced by my aromanticism, but I don’t know that I’m particularly inclined to use it for myself. I like to keep things simple, I guess.

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m asexual as well as being aromantic. They kind of go hand-in-hand for me, but I’m much more open about being asexual if only because it’s more commonly understood and accepted. Several years ago, I was much more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but in the last couple of years that dynamic has completely flip-flopped. I feel more at home in the aromantic community, as the ace community often feels to me more focused on navigating romantic relationships while asexual, and as an aromantic I really don’t find any solace in that. The ace community has also thrown me and my aro and aroace siblings under the bus multiple times, which often makes me feel unwelcome, unfortunately.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?

Other aspects of my identity don’t affect my aromanticism that much. On the contrary, my aromanticism affects my gender. I identify primarily as a cis female, but even saying I identify that way feels too strong, as it’s a pretty loose identification. Because of the ways in which misogyny, heteronormativity, and amatonormativity intersect, so much of traditional womanhood is based around finding romance, 99% of the time with a man. There isn’t really a subversive narrative for aro women. And femininity often feels like a costume designed to make me appear straight and allo and proper and headed for marriage. tl;dr gender machine broke.

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?

If you want to get obvious, asexuality directly helped me realize I was aromantic in that I would not have known that aromanticism existed without it. So thanks, ace community. You did do me a solid at one point or another.

Questions for Week Three (June 17-23):

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?

I mentioned this earlier: I love how open, inclusive, accepting, and willing to have civil and productive discussion the aro community is. The aro community has also given me basically everything, especially the arocalypse gang (hi, guys). Without a community behind me, this blog would not exist, and I would feel devastatingly alone.

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?

In general, compared to larger LGBTQIA+ spaces, the aro community on tumblr is obviously a lot smaller and more tight knit, which makes for an inherently different environment. Smaller voices somehow still speak so loud. That’s symptomatic of its size more than anything, and I haven’t been active in enough larger spaces to say much else.

The only other specific LGBTQIA+ spaces I’ve been in are asexual ones, and while there is some overlap between the two, aromantic spaces feel much more inclusive to me. Though that is likely due to the fact that asexual spaces do still put a focus on romance, while aromantic spaces certainly wouldn’t. The aromantic community is one of a kind and an absolute treasure, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?

I think the aro community could take further steps to improve accessibility (I mean, look at me, I’m writing out this long-ass monster of a post. I’m part of the problem.). But I don’t really have any tips, considering I just broke one of my own suggestions... Don’t listen to me, I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?

Yes. I talk about this from time to time on here... This is probably a hot take, but to me, defining types of attraction too rigidly, while it is helpful for tons of people, can often lead to an accidental hierarchy of types of attraction or relationships. For example, putting alterous attraction over platonic attraction, or queerplatonic relationships over more traditional platonic ones. I’m not saying anyone does this, at least not on purpose, but I think it’s at least a potential issue.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?

I’m nonamorous and romance repulsed. I’m not sure if they intersect, to be honest.

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?

Nope. Again, nonamorous.

Questions for Week Four (June 24-30):

1. Have you ever participated in any pride events, such as parades and festivals? If so, do you feel welcome at these events? If not, would you want to go?

I haven’t. I would go, but I don’t really know how welcome I feel... And I’d need to go without being suspicious, which is pretty much impossible.

2. Do you celebrate pride month? If so, how do you celebrate? If not, why?

Hell, I’m doing it right now! I’ve been working on these questions with the other mods all month. Thaaaat’s about it, as there isn’t much to do around me except for go to pride, and I already explained why that was off the table.

3. Do you have any creative contributions to the aro community (art, comics, writing, moodboards, music, zines, informational posts, etc.)? Which do you like making the most? If you instead support aro creatives, what category of aro creations do you like best?

Hi, yeah, this blog. Shoutout to any of my followers who have been here since last year when all I posted on this blog was my writing... I guess you got more than you signed up for.

I write primarily short fiction for the aro community. I take soulmate prompts and spin them to be aromantic, and usually sad. Soulmates are a concept I hate with all my cold aro heart, so starting this blog was a mean of reclaiming that idea and making it a little less painful for myself and hopefully other aros. I’ve posted about this a thousand times, so I won’t go into more detail.

4. How do you feel aro creatives have impacted the community? Show some love to your favorite aro creators by @’ing them in this post and reblogging a bunch of their stuff. If you don’t have any favorites, now is a good opportunity to find a few!

Without aro creatives, we would have pretty much 0 content in general, as no one else seems to care about creating anything for us. @aroworlds is doing amazing work not only creating wonderful aro content but connecting other aro creators with one another and spreading the word. @aroacearborvitae makes moodboards and edits that brighten my day every time I see them. @arotryinghisbest is writing a novel if you want to go show him your support!

5. Is representation in mainstream media important to you? What about smaller, niche media? If so, why, and in what form would you like it to take?

Both are important, but for different reasons. I’m so thirsty for mainstream aromantic content that I would sell my soul for just one canon aromantic character on television. We need visibility, and we need people to know that we’re out here and that we exist and that we’re not broken or messed up or lying. But niche media is also important, as it often supports aromantic creators directly, and supporting small creators and media outlets is really important. Niche media can even sometimes be a gateway into mainstream media, if it picks up enough steam. Give me aro characters, please!

And that’s that. If you made it this far, congratulations, and thank you. Happy pride month! See you in the future when I hopefully start posting some more actual content...

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Alex

Today I have the delight of introducing Alex, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @arotaro and @mutant-jojos!

Alex is a bisexual, half-Puerto Rican multi-disciplinary aromantic artist and creative with severe ADHD. You’ll find her prolific fanworks on AO3 as EmeraldTrash666, writing primarily for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fandom. Her bold, colourful art for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hetalia, Pokemon and Vocaloid fandoms is also available on Redbubble under the name StellaHagane.

She writes, she creates digital art and she dabbles in music, sewing and fashion design, single-handedly proving that there’s no such thing as too much creative awesome for any one aromantic!

With us Alex talks about finding the word aro, the power of fandom and creative fanworks, her love of aro Jotaro, the challenges of creating with ADHD, the struggles of being an aro gen writer in fandom and the importance of expressing our aro headcanons. Everything she says is absolutely on point, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I guess in some ways my “story” starts out pretty typical. Got older, kept waiting for my First Crush™, never got it, started worrying and trying to force myself to develop crushes. I actually was in a relationship with another girl on a forum I was part of as a teenager, but eventually I realized that I didn’t really like her romantically, and the relationship started to become really unpleasant for me. I eventually felt so miserable that I didn’t even want to talk at her at all, even though we were close friends, but I didn’t want to break up with her - partly because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, partly because we were everyone’s “OTP” and I didn’t want my friends to hate me for ruining that. But eventually I did break up with her, and I’m happy to say she took it with grace and we’re still close friends today! (She’s ace and a great writer/artist herself, too!)

I was part of a very nice LGBTQ+ group as a teenager, but I could never figure out my identity. I felt really ashamed and alone. Whenever I brought up how messed up I felt because I’d never had a crush on anyone, everyone was like, “Oh, sounds like you must be asexual!”, but I knew I wasn’t, and that was the worst part. Even though I knew aromanticism was a thing, nobody ever talked about it. It was only ever in the context of aroaces, so I didn’t know I was aro. I thought I must have had some sort of mental illness or something, but certainly not a legitimate orientation, nothing to be proud of like everyone else.

During that time, I found myself connecting on a deep emotional level to characters like Alphonse Elric, Fujiwara no Sai, the X-Men in general (although I’ve been an X-Men fan since I was literally a baby), basically anyone who was somehow “different” from the rest of humanity, even though I never understood why, since I was a fairly privileged kid who had never experienced much bullying or anything. Weirdly enough, it was Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure that helped me realize I was aro and come to terms with it; I saw an interview with Hirohiko Araki, the author of JJBA, where he was asked what type of girls Jotaro Kujo likes, and replied that he didn’t think Jotaro liked girls. The obvious interpretation would be that Jotaro’s gay, but somehow, one way or another, I decided to go with the idea that Jotaro’s aromantic. Jotaro also happened to be a character I really related to for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate, so around the time I was 18 I put two and two together and was like ... oh shit…

Please click keep reading to continue Alex’s story!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I’ve always been weird in the way I’m very creative, but tend to kinda bounce around from hobby to hobby. Other people draw, or write, or sing, while I draw for a month, and then write for a month and sew for a week and play video games for a week, and then I draw some more, and then I try out something completely new, and then I write again. I think it must be an ADHD thing, idk. In any case, I’ve just always been really passionate about making stuff, whatever that stuff happens to be.

I’ve also always been very much fandom-oriented. Ever since I was a toddler, I used to dictate fanfiction to my mom (back then it usually involved Winnie the Pooh, the Powerpuff Girls, Godzilla, and my dog). I mostly draw fanart. I find that I’m not really capable of writing original stories, but I’m great at getting fanfics in character, and I love writing them. I love taking stories I already love and reinterpreting them, seeing what it would be like if the characters were put into different situations, etc.

Because of my ADHD, I really struggle with actually finishing things. I try really really hard, I really do, and I’ve been trying to push myself even harder these past few years. I’ve made progress, but it’s still extremely difficult, so I’m very sorry for all the projects I’ve abandoned over the years. Sorry I still haven’t finished the fic that was supposed to be done in early March. I’m trying, really. I promise I’m working on the next chapter of BLaD, too.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Of course, pretty much everything I write is gen. Even if I include romantic relationships in my fics, I never write about romance, just stories which also happen to include some characters who might be dating someone. And obviously I always write Jotaro as aro! That’s really important to me. No matter which AU I’m writing, he’s always aro. (And autistic, but that’s off topic.)

I’m also not really into shipping because of my romance repulsion, but I ship Joseph Joestar and Caesar Zeppeli. The thing is … I’ve always viewed it as a unique relationship, sort of difficult to define as being strictly romantic or platonic or sexual, just kind of their own thing that defies words. That’s how I’ve always written it. I had the sudden realization recently that this strange view on the only ship I really actually like (at the moment, anyway) is probably due to my being aro, lmao.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

People don’t read gen fics, and people aren’t interested in aro stories. That’s just the way it is. I do have some dedicated readers, whom I love deeply, but in general… I could post something with a deep plot, something funny and dramatic and witty and touching, something I poured my heart and soul into for months, and it’ll get very few hits/comments/kudos, while someone else could post the same generic 2,000-word romance fic everyone’s seen a dozen times over, with no editing or anything, and get twice the amount of traffic my fics do in half the time. It’s really crushing.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

I dunno… The aro community feels so small. Online, I have a small circle of aro mutuals who all kind of vent collectively, and I’m part of Arocalypse and a few aro/aspec Discord servers, but I still feel like there isn’t really much of a larger community to be part of in the same way that there is for other orientations. Offline, I’ve never met another aro, or even anyone who actually knows what aromanticism is prior to me explaining it to them.

I also don’t feel like there’s a very unified “aspec community”. As an allo aro, I feel very rejected by the ace community - not to say that I feel like I should be part of the ace community, since I’m not ace, but I feel like they throw aros under the bus a lot. I mean, we’ve all seen the “asexuals can feel love, just like anybody else! … oh, except for aroaces, I guess. But the rest of us are normal, so you should accept us!” rhetoric. Both within and outside the aspec communities, aros are rarely treated with the same priority as aces, even though we’re arguably in a much more difficult position than your average allo ace.

That being said, I’m glad there is an aro community at all. I don’t know where I’d be now if I were still questioning. Probably not in a very good place.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

As I mentioned, there’s a general lack of interest in gen fics or sympathy for romance-repulsed people in general. It’s really difficult being romance repulsed in fandom spaces, because nobody cares about anything other than ships. There are very few gen fics, and even less that are a decent length, not abandoned, or cater to my specific interests, so I have to write my own. I don’t often have anything good to read; most of the big fics, the ones with cool plots and long word counts and ongoing updates, are ship fics. If I’m lucky, maybe two gen fics will be posted in one week, and maybe one of them will be longer than a few thousand words. Maybe one might even have my favorite characters. But usually genfics are few and far between, and kind of random in terms of what you’ll get. Sometimes I get so bored that I read ship fics anyway, and then I always wind up feeling really awful afterwards.

I’ve written, over the course of the past two years alone, over 20 gen fics. But whenever I vent that sometimes I’d like to actually get to read something, I always get someone telling me, “Well if you want gen fics, write some yourself! You have to make the change! You can’t demand people write stuff for you!” And of course, at the same time it’s totally acceptable to request ship fics from your favorite author, and if you complain that there aren’t enough fics for your rarepair, it’s seen as relatable and totally valid.

Fandom is just … really, really amatonormative, tbh. I hate it. I’m trying to make a difference (I did organize Gen Jojo Week along with my friend Rachel last year, and hopefully will again this year), but there’s only so much I can do.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

Aside from reblogging my art and promoting my fics? Talk about stuff. Talk about aro stuff in fandom. Seriously! I know it seems obvious that aro people would like aro headcanons and gen fics and all that, but we need to talk about them more. Nobody outside the community gives enough of a shit about us to have aro headcanons, so let’s get them popular. Talk about your favorite aro headcanons. Talk about your favorite gen fics. Talk about how such-and-such character is totally aro; talk about how excited you are to see aro characters in fics. My dream is for aro headcanons to become just as common and popular as any other type of headcanon.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

This is old news to most of the people who already know me, but my current big project that I’ve been working on for several years now is Between Life and Death, a drama/horror/supernatural JJBA fic.

(WARNING: PHANTOM BLOOD AND STARDUST CRUSADERS SPOILERS BELOW.)

The plot of the fic is that Dio wins at the end of Stardust Crusaders, and after realizing that he has no hobbies other than harassing the Joestars, he decides to bring Jonathan back by sticking his head (which��� we’ll just assume Dio preserved for plot purposes) onto Jotaro’s body. Obviously, Jonathan is NOT happy with this arrangement, but it also turns out that Jotaro’s still alive, just not in control of his body. He can still use his stand, so he essentially uses Star Platinum as a sort of proxy for interacting with the environment around him, even though he only comes out when Jonathan’s alone since he doesn’t want Dio to know he’s alive.

Basically, it’s the story of a depressed vampire and a traumatized ghost. It’s a very introspective fic; most of the story consists of conflicts between Dio and Jonathan, and Jonathan and Jotaro struggling to come to terms with their new existences - Jonathan being unable to reconcile vampirism with his personal morals, and Jotaro having one hell of an identity crisis while also mourning the deaths of his friends and family. The plot is picking up, though, and there is an end goal in mind, as well as an eventual sequel!

As for where the story-in-progress is at right now … well, the next “stage” of the plot is hamon training for Kakyoin and Avdol, which will be fun. This chapter also includes several dream sequences, including an extended appearance by Mary Joestar (Jonathan’s mom), and a very serious and dark scene which I almost ruined by having dream!Will Zeppeli refer to Jonathan as his padawan. Yeah.

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

As mentioned, I’m working on chapter 9 of Between Life and Death! And working on and off on some stuff for the mutants AU. Most recently, on a whim I rewrote the lyrics to Handbeat Clocktower by MOTHY to be about Jonathan Joestar. Somehow this went far enough that I’m making an actual UTAU rendition of this “parody”, and hopefully it’ll be done sometime in the next few weeks. I’m really having fun with it and I hope people like it!

[tenitchyfingers]

30 day aromantic challenge by @thearospectrum, in 1 go because I can’t do these things in 30 days, i’ll forget after doing 2 lol

Where do you fall on the spectrum? I’m fairly sure I’m like 95% aro, in the sense that I understand romance and I get the appeal of it for other people, it’s just not for me.

When did you realize you were on the spectrum? How did you realize you where in the spectrum? A couple of years after I started thinking I might be asexual (and only recently I ended up refining my conclusion and getting comfortable with gray-ace), because I encountered the term much later and I didn’t hear anything about the split attraction model, so I thought asexual also meant aromantic all together, or I was just so disinterested in romance that I didn’t even think about it. But I encountered the term online, as I did with... pretty much everything else. 

Basic info question: What is you age/sexual orientation/gender/race/anything else you’d like to add? 27/gray-ace and bi/gnc female/southern european, so neither white nor black/mentally ill

Are you out to anyone? If so, to who? If not do you plan on coming out? I’m out to the closest members of my family and virtually the whole internet lol. And no. I’ve received enough shit as it is, I don’t need more prejudice and judgment from allos. 

Do you still date as an aromantic? No.

Do you have any squishes? If so, to who? Hmmm, I’ve had one lately, and I won’t say. 

Do you ID with the “aromantic” community any? What about the queer/LGBT+ community? Any other communities you ID with? I do. I also id with the LGBT+ community but mostly with the queer community. And I also id as a feminist with common sense, aka not the shitty misandrists and all that stupid ass, immature garbage. 

What exactly does being aromantic mean to you? That I don’t need romance to live and I feel no need nor interest in having a partner or a spouse.

DO you have a lot of aromantic pride? If so how do you show it? I do, actually. I don’t have badges, or flags, and it’s sure as hell easier to find ace-related stuff, but I always make sure to state that I’ll never marry, I’ll never have a partner nor kids. Because people got to know where I stand, and it’s important to me that nobody makes assumptions on me just because alloromantic is the default. 

How do you feel about the aromantic flag design/colors? I like it. Like, aesthetically I think the best flags are the pan and the bi one, but the aro one is nice too?

Do you have any aromatic headcanons? Not really headcanons as much as characters who are clearly aro, it’s just the word doesn’t pop up. But just because a boy who likes boys doesn’t get called gay in narratives it doesn’t mean he’s not gay. So: -Saiki Kusuo, from Saiki Kusuo no Psi-nan, the one who most vocally declares blatant disinterest in romance and sex. He’s just aro, there aren’t any other explanations. -Terra Branford, from Final Fantasy VI. She’s aromantic. again, there are no other possible explanations to her arc which ends with her finding love... by adopting a bunch of children and being their mom. -Makoto Suna from Ore Monogatari. He shows blatant disinterest for romance, while being the expert on romance specifically because he isn’t emotionally involved so he sees his friends having trouble with being in love with the correct amount of detachment. Get an aromantic wingman and your love life will soar. 

What misconception about aromantics do you hate the most? That we’re heartless, or that we have no feelings. That really hurts, actually. Also, that we’re “the kind of people who’ll have sex with you and not text back”. Which I guess is the same thing.

How do you feel about the aromantic ring? Would you (or do you?) wear it? I just found out about it the other day but like... where do i find cheap white rings???

What are some of your favorite aromantic centric blogs that you follow, if you follow any? I... don’t really follow blogs centering on this since I decided I don’t want to have anything to do with any discourse anymore. I’m in a facebook group for aros and I’m good with that.

Who are some of your favorite aromantic bloggers? Man, I don’t know any. Or maybe some of my mutuals are aro and I don’t know it.

How did you learn about aromantism? Tumblr, mostly.

What do relationships mean to you, be they romo/platonic/sexual/etc, if they have any meaning at all? Connections.

Are you romo-replused, indifferent to romance, or do you actually enjoy the notice of romance? I enjoy romance when it’s other people feeling romantic, I enjoy people falling in love, I enjoy romantic stories because they make me feel fuzzy and happy for them, but. The thought of being in a relationship myself gives me nothing. It actually sounds useless and a waste of time and money that I would much rather spend on myself.

Who is your personally biggest ally? I have a bunch of people I know I can rely to. I just... have this defect where I’d rather keep my problems to myself than look for help. Bullying did that to me, and whenever I do ask for help I feel like a burden. Not my fault.

Which argument AGAINST aromantism do you hate the most? It’s not really an argument, but the pervasive notion that being single means being miserable and if you would like hanging out with a cat then you’re a loser. Fuck that.

Which argument FOR aromantism do you hate the most? I have none. There aren’t enough arguments FOR us to nitpick from.

Do you believe people can choose to be aromantic? Absolutely fucking not. Orientations are not choices wtf??? I hate people who do that, who treat identities like accessories. If you’ve had a bad breakup and feel like you hate romance, you’re just having a knee-jerk reaction, but you’re still allo. 

What kind of things do you relate with aromantism, be it personal or more generalized? I don’t know what this is supposed to mean tbh. 

Have you had the chance to meet other aromantics? If so, how has that gone for you? No. I suspect one of my aunts is one, but idk.

Talk about you best aromantic friend(s). I don’t even know whether I have any.

Talk about the person who is the most supportive of your aromantism. There are none in my life.

Do you own any aromantic merch? If so, talk about it. If not, do you plan on buying any? I’d like to! I’d definitely buy a t-shirt, but I’d need to try it on in person and uhhh I don’t really think there is going to be aro merch around at pride parades any time soon.

Have you faced any bigotry based on your aromantism? Yeah. Every time I say I don’t want a partner or a spouse or that I don’t care for getting married and all that. 

Something you hate about the aromantic community? What is there to hate??? We’re just in a corner minding our own business, plus we get thrown under the bus by everyone else... we don’t harm anyone, so there is no reason to hate us and I sure as hell won’t start doing so. 

Something you love about the aromantic community? How chill and supportive people are. 

[cantskank]

fuck this is long...tldr i’ve been lame but getting better

the last post is brought to you by me getting into the magnus archives for some positive ace rep

then having the absolute and overwhelming focus of the fandom be focused on that character’s romantic relationship

then the people who ignore or gloss over the fact that jon is ace or make him have sex anyway to make martin happy????  which just like fucks me up a bit

(esp bc exact quote, “jon...doesn’t” really disputes the idea that he would have sex with martin)

(also much more minor but it bugs me to see people in the fandom refer to jon and martin together as gay.  jon is biro ace, i think gay is not particularly accurate.  and gayness is excellent!  don’t get me wrong.  but that’s just not accurate to what jon is.  and it would not at all bother me if there were equal amounts of “aww look at them they’re so asexual together!”  and that description probably feels weird and wrong.  but it’s just as correct as saying “they’re so gay and cute!” or whatever i keep seeing people say about it!  it is just as accurate to call their relationship ace as it is to call it gay!  and not wanting to acknowledge or even consider that is really telling in what it reveals about how non-aces feel about asexuality.  it just builds to a picture of ‘we want our own representation and we will discard or ignore the ‘uglier’ bits of one of the ship character’s identity because asexuality is foreign to me/irrelevant/unnatural/weird/something i don’t fully understand and am afraid to/uninteresting.’  and i very much want to sympathize with the former (again, the whole reason i got into the magnus archives) and very much want to kill the latter with fire. this is also relevant to me in that about a year ago, i started thinking a lot about how as an aro ace, being told i had straight passing privilege, and the fact that i am not out (but would not lie and call myself straight) and just generally allow people to assume whatever they want about me when it comes to my orientation, whether that’s gay, straight, bi, ace, whatever, (and also having had mostly straight friends for the couple of years before that when it had very much been the opposite prior to that (and that does make a difference, to me at least),)  had resulted in me very much creating this narrative of being ‘effectively straight.’  not at all in the sense that ‘yes i’m basically straight and i feel mostly straight’ but in that i felt like ace-ness and aro-ness, if i wasn’t going to be out about it (which i’m not but which i may end up changing down the line), was not something i was allowed to consider as separate and distinct and special and important about myself?  because society would not like to think about aros/aces.  what society wants is to send the message that “not having sex is not important.  not having sex is not normal and makes you a loser.  not feeling romantic attraction is shameful and unnatural.  not feeling romantic attraction is something that makes you a monster.  do not talk about your disinterest in these things, it is at once completely unimportant/irrelevant and for our comfort and to allow you to conform socially you should not talk about it AND it is disgusting and freakish and makes you broken.”  so.�� it is somehow unimportant AND deeply disturbing at the same time.  anyway, for me this resulted in feeling that my aro ace-ness was unremarkable and i should not consider it something exceptional about me, and i should just settle into viewing myself as close to the default.  and maybe you would think i am part of the default, as a first impression, and that’s fine.  but i realized i didn’t want to think of myself that way.  even if people will insist it is this way, asexual =/= straight.  i get to, and i want to, think of asexuality as its own distinct thing, and it does not have to fit into the paradigm of gay vs straight because it cannot fit into that paradigm.  i had refused to give myself the space to think of it as special because no one was telling me it was special.  and not being out definitely had a huge effect on this.  but it is just factually untrue to view myself as unremarkable for being asexual and as ‘effectively straight’ because it’s wrong!  it’s just wrong!  and if i am firmly of the belief that i am not straight, i must be equally firmly of the belief that i am not gay.  there is no judgment involved in either of those statements, but i must respect myself and my identity enough to firmly believe it is its own identity, and worthy of being considered that way, and not merely framed in which ways it relates the false dichotomy of gay and straight.  meaning, i cannot frame my asexuality as “not quite gay but not quite straight” but as its own entity: i have my own distinct orientation and it is aromantic asexual and i do not experience attraction.  full-stop.”  which may seem basic (and may seem like a very minute difference) but it was an important step for me in my identity.  i don’t think i’m quite explaining it right.  i will say: whether they realize it consciously or not, i think a lot of people think of sexuality by how much you deviate from the norm.  the norm is straight.  the most extreme not-norm (by, again, the false dichotomy that has been set up) is gay.  how different you are from the norm will probably determine how important your sexuality is to you because non-normative sexualities are oppressed and the fight to be allowed to feel you are worthy of respect means your sexuality feels and is highly personal.  and, this would be a measure of how gay you are.  before my perspective shift, i felt very little about my sexuality (other than mostly dread at dying alone.  which i still feel!).  therefore, i was not very different from the norm, and my sexuality was not worthy of consideration.  it was not allowed to be very important to me, especially if i was not going to be very out.  BUT!  this is not a good perspective!  again, false! dichotomy!  there is no reason to view yourself on a sliding scale of gay and straight!  i am Neither!  and it is for this reason that i feel very strongly that gay is not the right way to describe jon!  it can be, and if it feels right to him then that is a fine and excellent way to identify!  but his identity is asexual and, by necessity, he is not gay.  just as he is not straight.  which is okay and allowed.  and by many people choosing exclusively to refer to jon and martin as gay, while extremely understandable, feels like a failure to understand the above.  allo identities do not hold precedence over aspec identities because aspec identities are worthy of their own consideration, not just as something “missing” and inherently lower priority to allo identities.  and calling the relationship gay exclusively, feels like they kind of believe that.  and any reluctance to call their relationship ace (which i think MOST people would find very strange and weird and uncomfortable) is a lack of education and understanding on what asexuality looks like, the kinds of relationships asexuals have.  asexuals are not some remote, gross thing that cannot be understood and must be ignored, we are people and we are here.  if you haven’t noticed, our entire online presence is BUILT around education and visibility.  these are things you can find out and understand very quickly.  and hopefully people will not view asexuality as something weird and shameful and something that should just be ignored. holy shit that was a long aside.)

and the post was precipitated by seeing fanart of a very romantically intimate moment and not being at all interested in that for myself.  i really want to be close to someone (/some people which is too much to hope for) but just so emphatically not in that way.  just...a lot of clarity in what i want?  because i am sometimes so miserable for being aro specifically that i wonder if my identifying this way is wrong and unhealthy, whether it’s worse to consider myself aro and causing more problems than it’s solving.  sometimes i wonder if i was too quick to dismiss romance and all my self-discovery and self-reliance has been for nothing?  maybe being miserable about amatonormativity has just been because i’m alloro but just miserable and self-hating and trying to ruin the fun for everyone and the problem is not that romance has been artificially elevated but just that i have deep-seated issues with romance?

anyway it was more of a relief than anything to have my aro-ness confirmed by my gut reaction.  um, i still think i need to let go of some of my bitterness about amatonormativity, only because it’s not serving me to be my happiest self (not because it’s not bullshit), but it’s not because i’m unconsciously not aro. 

here’s what i think i want for myself:

like i said above, letting go of some of my anger at romance and at amatonormativity in general.  there’s definitely a place for that in me, but people talking about romance should not make me miserable like it’s starting to do.  in a lot of ways this comes from me being jealous and bitter about not having this supposedly wonderful, normal, natural experience, and not being confident in it being okay- great, even!- to be aro and not experience that.  i want to become more neutral about romance, since it is equally okay to not experience that.  my existence and validity is not threatened by other people having romantic relationships.  it’s okay for that to be an important thing for them, and (/because) it’s equally okay for it NOT to be important to me.

sorta referenced in my point above, but i want to rely less on other people to make me valid.  it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels, i am the way i am.  i want to be much more confident in that for myself.  i can’t progress and build a better relationship with myself if i don’t trust my own experience and emotions over what other people would tell me is true about myself (or how the rest of the world works). 

i know this is kinda what got me feeling not great in the first place, but i want to find more ace/aro rep for myself.  potentially this could make things worse (in the way i mentioned above; relying on that representation to really speak to my experience and finding that it does not, and that fandom in particular is very caught up the romance- and just generally allo- side of things).  but i am hoping/relying on the possibility that increasing ace/aro rep will give me way more options and a higher chance that i will have my own experience reflected.  i want to start listening to the penumbra podcast, since i’ve heard there are at least two aspec characters, one of whom is even aro ace! side note, thinking about it a bit: the first ace rep i had was a few months ago, when i watched bojack horseman and saw todd’s story.  i think i was a bit spoiled in that rep.  todd’s story was really focused on his own self-discovery.  he was alloro and wanted a relationship, but in my mind he didn’t care so much about getting that.  even when he was in a relationship, he still got to be cool and have his own adventures.  having a romantic relationship was secondary to his story and, you got the sense, secondary to him as a person.  and, his asexuality was very important to him once he realized he was ace.  he was very open about it to people, not ashamed, and he did have a journey with his sexuality that the audience was brought along.  that is everything i want in an ace character!!!  then i got into the magnus archives, expecting to have a similar experience.  instead, we find out jon is ace because we as the audience hear him being outed without his knowledge between his friends, based on information from his ex (again, presumably without his knowledge).  and word of god says "although whether that’s how the archivist himself would actively identify, who knows?”  also a very different take on ace rep than bojack horseman.  and i love jon and martin as a couple, but i have just been really overwhelmed with how much of that is the focus of the fandom (plus my normal/main fandom is hockey and that can be VERY platonic.  i can make it as platonic as it gets).  those are two different ways of being asexual, and they are both valid!  they probably each ring true for many.  from my perspective i prefer the bojack approach because i feel more affirmed by todd’s rep than by jon’s, but that doesn’t make todd more accurate representation.  i guess the moral of the story is, not all ace rep is the same, and don’t get invested in seeing yourself (or the kind of rep you want) in every ace story.  and my solution is to broaden my ace rep rather than only have a few and ultimately not be happy with it.  (also i want to be very clear that the importance of ace rep is something that is built up entirely in my mind.  jonny said they always considered jon to be asexual from s1, way before he was revealed to be in the show.  they were not going for ace rep, they just felt asexuality fit his character best.  it is me (and others like me probably) who came to this story knowing this and placing expectations and stakes onto this character as The One Who Represents Us.  i relate waaaay more to martin (as we all do i’m sure) but because my other options are so! very! limited! when it comes to asexuality i put all my emotions and expectations and self-worth on how this one character could represent my entire experience.  which has nothing to do with the creators of the show, who are just telling the story they want to tell.  so they can’t give “bad ace rep” because there are so many ace stories to tell and it’s not their fault or their problem that options are so limited that we end up building up any character that is ace into the one who represents all ace experiences.  my fault, not theirs, is what i’m saying.)

probably obvious after my word-vomit but cut back on actively seeking out magnus archives fandom/content!!!!  it does not make me feel better about myself.  romantic relationships do NOT make you more worthy.

just generally being more positive and affirming about being aro ace (and being aro in particular!)  it is excellent and there are so many good things about being this way!  i would like to focus on those more for myself :)

holy shit i wrote a lot.  i had a lot of feelings that i wanted to get out.