#again some painful thoughts

[gellert-1899]

Grindeldore Headcanon #10(more of a 9.5)

Albus actually never loved lemon cake or lemon candies that much. He liked the taste. They were fine. But he was never that obsessed over them as Gellert thought he was.

But he always got so happy when Gellert brought him some. Not because it was lemon candy, but because Gellert brought it. He felt like the candies tasted better when Gellert was the one that got it for him.

So in time, he had grown to like lemon sweets more. He loved how something sour can be yet so sweet. He also loved how Gellert always had some for him. Just because he thought Albus loved them so much.

After that summer, lemon candies never tasted that good. But Albus started to like them more. Because then, he realised what he loved about the candies.

They tasted like loving Gellert.

Sour, yet sweet.

And eating them was just like remembering all the things they did together that summer. All his memories with Gellert.

Sweet,

And yet sour.

[archiepelago]

alternate surface au inspired by a few ive seen around on tumblr :3

[hazelnootnut]

i'm sorry, siffrin. and thank you, loop.

[rainblescake]

creation meets creator in the most terrifying way possible (you wont believe what happens next)

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

Sometimes I feel like celiac disease doesn't actually count as a disability since it's so easy and stress free compared to deadly allergies, but then I remember that I have to meticulously plan every trip I go to and play 4D chess with uni campus restaurant menus and for a brief moment there was genuine consideration if I should be put on growth hormones because I was so small from not getting enough nutrients

[autisticandhyperfixatingg]

I just finished Dead Boy Detectives and I'm low-key disappointed in the fandom for not mentioning

"Are you always a woman"

"Yes"

I MEAN EDWIN?? WHERE ARE THE FRICKING HEADCANONS????

[an-established-butt-dent]

At home in the shadows. Forgotten dreams.

Solas: Dragon age

Ink on paper

[loopyarts]

I sometimes think about and ponder on how Bruce is such an overprotective yet mostly well meaning parent towards Dick. Yet Bruce is also the type of parent who fails to realise that their kid has grown up and can look after themselves and doesn’t need them for protection and guidance anymore. 

Dick and Bruce are both control freaks but for different reasons. Bruce is a control freak because he thinks that as long as he is in control of the situation that means he can protect the ones he loves from harm or losing them altogether. Because when his parents died he had no control over that. He felt powerless that he couldn’t do nothing to prevent it. Even though he was just a helpless little 8-9 year old boy who could do nothing but stand there watching helplessly as it played out before his very eyes.

While Dick is a control freak for the opposite reasons to Bruce. He needs to stay in control of himself and not let others tell him what to do and values his freedom his independence if that makes sense. All his life even with his own parents he was excepted to do as he was told, like how most children do. He wasn’t listened to in his own mind he felt responsible for his own parents death depending on the version it was because he didn’t tell them about stranger threatening Mr Haly or in some tellings he wasn’t listen to by his parents. He had no one to turn to really and much like Bruce he was just a powerless little boy. Who nobody truly heard, Dick Grayson to the world was just a child and therefore had no voice.

The only person who truly heard Dick’s voice was Bruce Wayne who saw himself in the young boy and knew the only way to save this boy from becoming like him was to get him his justice and put Dick Grayson parents killer behind bars. He became like a second father towards the young lad, family, the dynamic duo crime fighters of Gotham. Which is why Dick was able to heal and move on mostly from the loss of his parents because unlike Bruce. He had someone to fill the void that was lost when his parents died. Bruce Wayne the Batman because like a father to him a second father, in a way he was Dick light shining hope in the darkest part of his life. It’s so important to Dick development as a character and without it he wouldn’t be the same person he is today and it’s also so important that Dick time as Robin was a pretty happy one as well.

Both Bruce and Dick saved each other just by becoming each other new family. Bruce didn’t need anything from Dick all he needs from him is to just exist to remind him why he does what he does.

So imagine the hurt Dick must feel as a young adult. That his second father who heard his voice and listen to him all those years ago. Is now not listening to his voice really anymore or respecting his decisions as a young adult a man in his own right. While it comes from a place of good intentions. Dick cannot help but feel he is still seen and viewed as just a little boy by him and the crushing feeling of never truly living up to his expectations and the shadow that the Bat casts onto him. When will he ever be good enough to finally be taken seriously by him as his own man. Dick coming of age story is about finding one self in the world and crafting out his own legacy and what being a superhero means to him and him alone.

While it wasn’t Bruce intention, he did in fact put pressure onto Dick even though he doesn’t want him grow up to be like him. He values him so highly and he is glad that he grew up to be a much better man than he will ever be. He loves his surrogate son so much but with that comes fear. Like any parent he cannot help but worry for Dick future and the decisions that he makes as an adult and he will state his opinion on what he thinks of said decisions Dick makes in his life. He didn’t approve of Dick dropping out of college which caused some tension between the two of them for a good bit.

I always found Batman #330 original released in September 11th 1980 really interesting because of how Lucius fox and his son Tim Jace fox comes into play in that story Bruce compares himself to Lucius while Tim to Dick and how he cannot understand why would in he in Bruce’s eyes be throwing away his future. So when Bruce is talking all this nonsense to Tim he wasn’t actually speaking to Tim rather it’s the things he wanted to say to Dick.

Dick probably understood at that point that this was never about Tim or the thugs rather it was about Bruce who took out his own frustrations with Dick by projecting them onto Tim and the thug members. The themes and parallels to a father that being Lucius and his son Tim to Bruce and Dick within that comic book story makes it so painfully clear to me. It was about a Father who was upset with his son life choices for his future and only wants what is best for him even if he isn’t going about it in the best way possible.

The biggest hurdle for Dick and Bruce relationship as surrogate father and son is miscommunication and how the other isn’t willing to listen to the other. Bruce is the parent who always think he knows what is best which is not always the case which leads to him fighting with Dick all the time because he is blinded by the idea that his adult son might know better then him and stubbornly refuses to budge on that for a stupidly long time.

[crabsnpersimmons]

I’m curious about the onesie now

also @pizzaplex-stargazer cuz you noticed too!

here's what Moon was rocking before Clip started making clothes:

after their PizzaPlex went under, the DCA bois had to figure out a lot of things, one being: clothes. unfortunately, Moon's really big, so he struggled to find things that fit him and were comfortable. the onesie is the first thing he found that fit him and made him feel really cozy. so he still wears it at home (he prefers comfy clothes at home anyways) when he needs a pick-me-up.

of course, he can't work at the salon in a bunny onesie, so here's what Clip made him (under Sundrop's direction):

Moon does prefer comfy clothes, but he has to admit, sometimes he likes the attention these clothes get him. he's iffy about them though, he feels that they show too much of him and he prefers the specific kind of comfort that comes from being an amorphous bundle of coziness.

[anirritant]

umm i guess im treating this like an au now ahah

pmd2 darkrai hasn't had time to figure out wtf is going on (he's been here for like an hour tops). he's lost his composure immediately lol

[hecksupremechips]

Thinking of vlr Akane is so conflicting cuz on one hand I’m so upset that she doesn’t ever get a moment to just rest and enjoy being alive again I’m upset that she just gets deeper and deeper into this role she’s built for herself and she loses her humanity and will never ever be that girl who died in the incinerator. But on the other hand, I need her to get so, so much worse I need her to be so obsessed with perfection she has this unique ability to change the course of history and she will burn everything and everyone to the ground in the blink of an eye if it means she can "reset" and get a perfect timeline and I desperately need her to never be satisfied with anything because really, is there anything that’s worth all the damage she’s caused?

[epickiya722]

I chuckle seeing how sometimes Yuji be punching Sukuna back into walls, bringing him to the ground on his knees or back, etc, like Sukuna's big ass weigh nothing.

And I wouldn't even say this is just him using cursed energy. Nah, that is that raw strength.

[sluckythewizard]

[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED, AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs. VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[paintedpeeta]

I know everyone loves talking about Katniss and Peeta being affectionate in everyday life and mirroring her parents, but I also go crazy about them being affectionate and Peeta realizing he has a safe home filled with love unlike his parents. I just imagine him remembering his parents just tensely being with each other and contrasting that with him and Katniss who are always touching in some way and greet each other with kisses and hugs.

no because throughout the first two books he’s so physically affectionate to her (even though i’d assume this isn’t learned behaviour from his home) can you IMAGINE what it’s like when they’re safe and living together and in an established relationship? when he realises that she enjoys and takes comfort from his affections??

[sidereon-spaceace]

torn between wanting to make all my ocs Specialest Little Guys and overpowered VS. the fact I just finished watching all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings and am deeply moved by the struggles and worth of the common man