#after what felt like years of uploading issues it is done

[rainbowpufflez]

Guess what’s finally on YouTube

[hazelsmirrorball]

Rockstar Girlfriend VI. | Hazel Callahan

Rockstar! Hazel Callahan x Popstar! Reader

Summary: Hazel Callahan and Y/n L/n have to be in a pr relationship, but both of them can stand each other. 

Warnings: Enemies to lovers! Enemies to lovers! Enemies to lovers! Angst, Fight (not physical) Not proof read. Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my main language. 

a/n: I’m back after a while!! Sorry for being MIA. I don't know how to feel about this but I'm really thankful for all the support. Lots of new things coming soon. love you guys.

part one. part two. part three. part four. part five.

The tour was canceled. 

Everything Y/n had worked for went down the drain. Not only had she lost the tour she risked everything for, but she had lost her bandmates' trust. They were losing followers by the minute and receiving hate left and right. All that success she had gained because of Hazel was almost gone. 

The moment everyone found out about Hazel's outburst, the show was canceled with a blink of an eye. They could hear the cries and screams of fans outside. Y/n couldn’t bear to listen, she felt bad, guilty even. Management said that her band couldn’t perform because they were only the openers, so karma was biting her ass quickly.    

But after one show became two and then two became five, management canceled the whole tour, every single date. They claimed that they couldn’t do anything without Hazel, their star. Y/n tried to be positive that maybe Hazel was joking around and that she was going to come back but when management canceled the tour, her feet finally hit the floor. The tour was over before it even started. The hop of the wave of success both bands were having was cut short. The most anticipated tour of the year was canceled due to mental health issues from one of the band members. That was what got posted on the band's page and every news article. 

But Hazel made it her job for people to know that, that wasn’t the case. If the tour was canceled she wanted people to know the real reason, no more tricks, no more lies and no more fake love. Y/n felt her heart stop when her phone started to blow up with notifications and her eyes landed on a video Hazel had posted on instagram after being MIA for two weeks. 

That was when “Mean” was born. 

“Hi guys! I know I’ve been gone for a while and all of a sudden the tour got canceled. But I’m here to tell you guys that we are currently working to get your back running again. This time we decided it was best to get new openers. Anyways, on my little break I decided to write this song I really hope you guys enjoy!” Hazel said to the camera starting to strum her guitar. Y/n felt her heart drop every second that passed by. If she was already losing everything with a blink of an eye it wouldn’t surprise Y/n if what was left of her career ended just because of that song. 

hazel.callahan via instagram

liked by bottomstheband, y/nnn, and others

hazel.callahan rehearsals for tour are the shit! I missed this a lot, can't wait for tour to start <3

view all 1,550 comments

hazelsbottoms she's backkkkkkkk

user101 mother is back, hope tour doesn't get cancelled this time.

pjandhazeparis sorry to disappoint but I'll be a groupie for life

bottomsupdates why is y/n lurking in the likes? hasn't she done enough

| ynloveshazel please leave y/n alone

| bottomsupdates she's the one lurking her comments

Hazel had uploaded an acoustic version of a song she had written through her break in an attempt for people to understand what she was going through. It was something new, different from the songs she was used to writing for herself and other people. The song quickly took the world by storm gaining everyone’s attention. Fans had caught up quickly with who the song was written for, making it their job to make Y/n’s life a living hell. Her band's account was barely existent by the minute and management was going insane.

Y/n couldn’t let things slide. She had three options, let her pr team do everything for her, clap back and deny the allegations, or attempt to do a song just like Hazel did. The thing was, Y/n was already used to Hazel’s constant help writing songs and honestly she kinda missed spending midnights with her writing songs. She missed how Hazel would slowly touch her skin in an attempt to get her attention or how she got lost in her blue eyes while she tried to explain the chorus of the song. Y/n missed Hazel. She hated herself for running things with her. Things were finally different, this time Y/n didn’t hate Hazel, Hazel just hated Y/n. 

She was going to make things right, possibly ending her career. But it was worth it. If Hazel heard the song, she could lose everything and she wouldn’t care. 

Y/n propped her camera hitting record while sitting in front of it, letting out a sigh. She slowly strummed the guitar she barely knew how to play but all she could think of was all the times Hazel had attempted to teach her how to play it.

“This song is for someone special in my life that I treated so badly. I know I fucked up and I wished I could go back to december, they day I met you and start all over”

y/n's instagram

liked by bottomstheband, ynnnn, and others

y/nnn but if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right

comments have been deactivated

Y/nnn let out a sigh as she looked at her phone flooding with notifications. At least if she was gone for social media, she was certain Hazel had heard the song. Maybe she could get another chance or another life where they could get together with no mistakes.  Y/n’s thoughts got interrupted by a harsh knock on her door. She quickly walked towards it, ready to face her neighbor. But she felt her heart drop when she noticed the familiar blue eyes she had fallen in love with. Y/n’s eyes wandered all over her trying to tell if she was real or an act of her imagination due to the lack of sleep. But as the words slipped out of her mouth she knew it was all reality. 

“My guitar.” Hazel replied, playing with her feet. Y/n furrowed her eyebrows and looked at her confused. 

“What do you mean, my guitar? How do you know where I live?” Y/n responded leaning against the doorframe trying to get a better look at Hazel. 

“My guitar. You have my lucky guitar, I saw it in the video you posted. Now, can you please give it back” 

“No.”

“What do you mean no? It’s mine, L/n.”

“You don’t speak to me, drop a diss track on my name and expect me to give you back you guitar” Y/n exclaimed while looking at Hazel with a surprised look on her face. 

“Are you insane? You do know that all of this is not my fault, right? I was willing to do anything for you but you preferred the fame over me. You fucked up your own career and you fucked up with me. Yet, I came here, to your apartment and you still want to act like the victim instead of saying your sorry. You know what stays with the stupid guitar. I don’t want it anyway. You want to play a game that I’m really tired of playing. I really don't understand why are you like this.” Hazel exclaimed loudly pulling on her hairs.

"I like you Hazel and I'm like this because I know I screwed up the only good thing in my life" Y/n said loudly leaving Hazel with her mouth wide open not knowing what say.

At least he got the chance he desperately needed.  

thank you for reading

previous part.

[hopelesslyromanticgay]

An Americano, Please? Part 3

Word count: 1.3K A/N: Just an FYI, I don't usually upload twice a day, I just felt particularly inspired today. As always, italics in quotation marks signify the speaking is using romanian dialect.

Y/N's POV:

I gotta admit. It hurt when Jenna didn't send me a text immediately. It's been two days, and still nothing.

Maybe it was a meaningless banter. Oh well. I guess I just really thought something could come out of it.

"What are you sulking about?" Nessa asks me one day after our shift. 

"I'm not sulking, I'm just a little sad because I didn't get a text from someone," I explain, "It's not like she owed me a text or anything, but I don't have to be ecstatic over the fact that she hasn't done so."

"Oh my god, you're into the American one," Nessa exclaims, "I knew it! I mean, she's gorgeous. Like if I were into girls I would definitely be into her." I take a sip of my cortado (half espresso, half milk) as I listen.

"Well in any case, she's probably not interested."

"Stop sulking, Y/N," Nessa scolds me, "Let's do something fun. Gotta get your mind off of this girl."

Since our shift just ended, and we have a whole afternoon ahead of us, Nessa and I take her car to Predeal, the closest thing to a modern city we have around here.

It's about seven miles, so about twenty minute drive. The town's mostly filled with ski resorts, but there's a few fun places to shop.

A great deal of the afternoon is spent sitting outside a store judging the tourists. 

"Oh my god she's probably saying something stupid like, 'I know it's winter but my husband will love this hawaiian T-shirt I bought in Romania,'" Nessa mimics the normal thought process of the typical tourist.

"This guy's even worse though,"  I stifle a laugh, mocking his actions.

After a thorough mockery of all of the Predeal tourists, we head back to our town, content with our afternoon.

I still haven't stopped thinking about Jenna, though. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. It's so nice to finally have someone I can talk to in English.

All I can do is hope that she comes back to the shop. Even then though, she probably won't want much to do with me.

Nessa drops me off at my apartment, waving goodbye. Almost instantly, I shed my winter coat, relieved by the warmth of the building.

The first thing I do is turn on the TV and open Netflix. A new baking show just dropped, and I'm not the type to turn down new entertainment.

The show turns out to be a combination of baking and engineering. It seems cool, but it's hard to tell from the first episode.

My phone lights up with a bright reminder Remember to feed Cupid!

Sighing, I get up from the couch and grab my fish flakes.

Cupid is my purple betta fish. She's about a year old and as of yet hasn't had too many health issues, which is super lucky for both of us. She's at the point where she recognizes my face. So when I go up to the tank, fish feed in hand, she eagerly swims up to the glass.

"Hey Cupid," I laugh, sprinkling some food into the tank.

After feeding her, I head back to the couch, where I continue watching my cooking show. Before I know it, I'm five episodes in and the sun is starting to set. I look out of the window, trying to gauge the temperature and weather condition.

It's a fairly clear twilight right now. There's a good chance I'll get to see stars tonight. Actually, I've decided I will see stars tonight.

I don my winter coat and make my way down the apartment complex stairs. One of the perks of not living in a huge city is that I can see the night sky beautifully.

One of my favorite places in town is on the outer edges of it. At this point, all of the buildings are housing, be it apartments or actual houses. The long stretches of pavement are perfect for strolling down while admiring the night. 

Not a lot of people choose to come out here late at night, which is honestly their loss. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm super into nature and the great outdoors, but when I am outside, I can find an appreciation for my surroundings.

So that's how I found myself strolling the streets of Bușteni Romania, not looking at the cement in front of me.

BAM! I find myself crashing into another person, almost knocking both of us over.

"Fuck, I am so sorry," I find myself defaulting to english, "I- I mean, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Y/N?" A familiar voice asks.

"Jenna?" It may be dark, but I can just barely see the details of her face. God I hope she's not mad.

"Yep, it's me," I hear her faintly laugh.

"Are you okay? I almost knocked you over."

"I'm okay, just a little rattled."

"Sorry for that again," I apologize, "I should have been watching where I was going." 

"You could make it up to me by walking me to my apartment?" she offers.

"I'd like nothing more," I laugh, linking my arm with hers and we start to walk.

"So, Y/N, tell me about yourself," she starts the conversation.

"Well, my name's Y/N L/N, I work at a coffee shop. I speak English and Romanian, which is useful for when people like you come to the shop."

"I know that stuff," she interrupts me, "what do you like to do outside of work?"

"You know, the normal things, be around the people I care about, watch shows, I read sometimes, listen to music, that kind of stuff. What about you?"

"Well for starters, I'm Jenna Ortega, I also love to read and listen to music," she tells me, "I also like to write though, I have like, twenty scripts and stories sitting in my FinalDraft™ folder."

"Damn, you must really like writing," I respond, "that's pretty awesome."

"I guess so," she shrugs.

"Have you ever considered publishing your work?" I ask.

"Yeah, I actually published a book called It's All Love," she answers proudly.

"That's like, the coolest thing anyone's said to me all day," I tell her.

"I guess I'm just a cool person," she jokes, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, only an arrogant person would say that."

"No, you have reason to say, it. You're a published author, the lead in a TV show, and fun to talk to. Don't discredit your own awesome-ness." 

She laughs, "thanks for saying that."

"Sure thing." 

"So, does your offer to take me around town sometime still stand?" she changes the subject.

"I'm a woman of my word, Jenna, if you still want a tour, you have my number," I remind her, trying to sound kind and cool at the same time. Which is kind of challenging.

"Oh my god, I forgot to text you, didn't I," she gasps, "I'm so so sorry, Y/N. I've just had so much going on." She starts to talk herself into a panic, "I have work for like, eight hours a day, plus cello lessons, plus german and fencing, it's just so much." If I had known how busy she was I never would have felt so hurt. That must be so overwhelming.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm not mad about it." Which is true. 

"That's such a relief," she exhales, "again, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, Jenna, it's okay. How about the next time you have a day off, we get in touch and I take you around town."

"Well, conveniently enough, my next day off is tomorrow, so how about I see you then?" she offers.

"I wouldn't be opposed to that," I smile, doing my best to hide how excited I am for this.

"Well this is my place," she announces, "thank you for walking me home." 

"Anytime," I reply, sad to know the night is ending. She heads through the door to her apartment, leaving me to walk the short five minutes to my apartment alone.

As soon as I get home, I dash to my bedroom, putting on pyjamas and getting ready for bed. I'm tired from the day. At at the same time, I'm so happy I got to see Jenna. I'm so excited that she wants to see me again, maybe tomorrow! I can't wait to get to know her better.

My phone lights up with a text from a new number

                       +1 ***-***-****

Does 11 AM tomorrow work for you?

-Jenna

I smile, quickly texting back 

                               Sure thing, see ya then :)

I can hardly wait.

[collapsedglasshouses]

WOULD YOU SAY I'M WORTHY? || TWO

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x OFC ; slight Nick Folio x OFC

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @saradika-graphics

SUMMARY: When Eden meets Noah, her life is anything but perfect. Her heart is far more broken than Noah can even guess at this point. Will he be able to mend the wounds he hadn’t caused?

WARNINGS: angst, fluff, eventually smut, mentions of grief/loss, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of illnesses

A/N: OMG. I didn't expect the first part to go that well. Thank you for every comment, like or reblog (especially the rebloggers, ily with all my heart)! im sorry it took me so long to upload part two, i had a lot to do irl. but here it is! i hope you like it!

TAGLIST: @measuredingold @cncohshit @lma1986 @missduffsblog @cookiesupplier @thescarlettvvitch @bngurngheart @dream-machine-love @arkiliastuff @vinyardmauro @lacktoesandtoddlerants @princessmarshmallowx @circle-with-me @thisbicc @xxkittenkissesxx @malerieee @smoke-in-diamond-shape (pls dont be mad if i missed someone, just remind me, im clumsy sometimes)

If you wanna be added to the story's taglist or to my taglist in general, leave a comment or message me privately!

MASTERPOST || MASTERLIST

Eden had been staring at her phone for forty minutes straight.

After waking up, her thoughts had been running constantly. She didn’t have a costume, she wasn’t in the mood to go out, she had just turned 26. All she had done since waking up an hour ago was shower and brushing her teeth. She stood in her kitchen, still wrapped in her towel and her wet, unbrushed hair just dangled over her shoulders.

She knew she was overreacting, but everything reminded her of the things she desperately wanted to suppress.

She had been staring at Nick’s messages from the previous night with a weird feeling in her stomach. She didn’t even know what brought her to the point of agreeing to go to a party. A birthday party of a man she didn’t know, while she also tried to suppress the thoughts about her own age.

She was snapped out of her thoughts, when her phone began to ring. Her sister.

Should she answer?

She continued to stare at her phone.

The call went away.

Thank god.

She blinked for a couple of seconds, while she felt her heart beating so fast that she actually thought for a second, she was going to have a heart attack.

Then her phone rang again. Her sister again. She bit her lip for a second, before she sighed. She knew, she couldn’t ignore all the calls for the whole day, so she grabbed her phone and answered with a simple “Hello.”

“Took you some time.” Her sister answered and Eden could picture the sweet smile plastered on her sister’s face. Her little sister Raven was four years younger than her. At first, her parents hadn’t really planned on having another child, but when her mom fell pregnant with Raven, they were all over the moon. Eden couldn’t remember most of the time before Raven was born, but she remembered vividly how excited they all were when she finally was here.

She always had been the complete opposite of her older sister. While Eden was rather quiet and liked to be alone, Raven enjoyed the company of each and every individual around her. Raven liked to speak; Eden hated it. Raven was great at school; Eden wasn’t.

Even though they were basically polar opposites of each other, Eden loved her dearly and they always got along. But things had changed after Eden moved away from their hometown. She found herself not liking the company of anyone anymore. She knew it hurt Raven, but at the same time she felt like Raven was the only one that understood her and her decisions.

“Sorry, I was showering.” Eden quietly answered her little sister.

For a couple of seconds, it was rather quiet. It seemed like Raven tried to find the right words.

“I know, you hate it, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.” Raven began. “Mom told me to wish you all the best from them too, but they didn't want to bother you any longer than necessary.”

Eden swallowed. She knew she had been a pain in the ass the last couple of months, but she didn’t realize she had driven her parents to the point of not even wanting to call her.

She tried to swallow her doubts, before mumbling a response. “Thank you. I’m sorry for being so quiet.”

“Oh… Don’t worry, Eden. We love you.” Raven answered her quickly and tried to sound as happy as possible, but Eden heard the worry in her voice.

“I’m going to a party today.” Eden than exclaimed, to calm her sister’s nerves and seemingly it worked.

“Are you for real?” Raven exclaimed excitedly. “Yes, I am.” – “Where? Who? I-…?”

Eden laughed quietly. She really missed her sister. She really did.

“A friend of mine invited me to the birthday party of his friend.” Eden answered her sister with a small smile on her face.

“A friend or a friend?” Raven then wanted to know. Eden knew for a fact that Raven was wiggling her eyebrows while asking that question.

“A friend.” Eden rolled her eyes. She knew this was coming.

“Sorry, I was just asking.” – “You know, it wouldn’t be this way before you even asked, Raven.”

“Yes, I know. I just wanted to make a joke… I’m sorry.” Raven apologized.

After that, it was quiet again.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Eden.” – “I’m not, Raven. Don’t worry.” – “It was really insensitive of me… Considering, you're not-…” – “It’s really okay, Raven.”

It was quiet again. Eden wanted to cry because of the awkwardness.

“I… You know… Imma... I need to go.” Raven then said and Eden’s heart hurt. This was exactly how she didn’t want this to go.

“Okay. See ya.” Eden then answered and soon the call ended.

Eden felt bad. Everything felt bad. She just wanted to curl into a ball on her couch and never move again.

She looked at the clock and realized, she needed to head out sooner than later, to find a costume, if she wanted to be on time for the party. So, she sighed and got ready. Before she went out, she ate a bowl of cereal and then grabbed her keys.

While she was walking to her car, she covered her head with her hand. It had started to rain like crazy.

Right as she reached her car, her phone buzzed. It was Nick.

Nick: Just wanted to see if you would come tonight… Nick: I mean, since you didn’t answer yesterday…

Eden starred at her phone for a second, before she answered.

Eden: was about to head out to get a costume

She thought for a second, before she texted again.

Eden: maybe you wanna join me?

Nick instantly answered.

Nick: send me the location and ill be there

Eden sat in her car, nervously biting her fingernails as she waited for Nick to arrive. The Halloween store's neon sign flickered above her, casting a somewhat spooky glow on the damp pavement. She glanced at her phone and saw a text from Nick, confirming his arrival.

Nick: two minutes…

She took a deep breath and stepped out of her car, feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety. The rain had stopped, leaving a crisp chill in the air.

As she entered the store, the scent of latex and plastic immediately crept up into her nose. Rows of costumes, masks, and accessories sat in front of her, ready to be explored. Eden wandered through the aisles, unsure of where to start. Her eyes scanned the racks of costumes, ranging from spooky to silly. She felt totally overwhelmed.

It had been a while since she last dressed up for Halloween. To be exact, it had been about ten years. She also didn’t quite remember what happened on said Halloween, since she had been more than drunk. The only thing she vividly remembered was how she puked her brains out that night.

Before she could think about it any longer, she heard someone enter the store and was soon met with Nick’s broad smile that was almost contagious to her.

"Eden! Happy Birthday!" he exclaimed and hugged the girl for short second while she started to blush like crazy, his enthusiasm echoing through the store. “Ready to find the perfect costume?”

She nodded, trying to match his energy. "Not really, but let’s do it anyways."

For the next hour, they searched through various options. Eden couldn't decide whether to go for classic monsters or popular characters from movies and TV shows. Nick showed Eden some funny and silly options, making her laugh at his playful behavior.

"How about a giant banana?" Nick suggested, holding up a bright yellow costume.

Eden shook her head, grinning. "I don't think so. I prefer my fruits less... inflatable."

Nick laughed with his full heart, before going on with his search.

Right as Eden set her eyes on a black lacy corset dress, she felt Nick’s presence close to her and jumped when she saw him with a ghost face mask on his face.

“What’s your favorite horror movie, Eden?” Nick asked with a deep tone in his voice, while Eden held her chest. Her heart was beating fast.

“Don’t scare me, Nick!” She shouted and shoved him away from her with a small smile on her face. Nick pulled the mask off while still giggling his ass off.

"How about Ghostface from Scream?" Nick suggested, holding up the iconic white ghostly mask.

Eden's eyes lit up with intrigue. "Actually, that's a great idea, Nick. It's simple, yet mysterious. Let's go for it."

“As mysterious as you.” Nick answered while handing the mask to her. Eden smiled a little to herself, not knowing how to answer him, so she just decided to ignore it.

Eden’s eyes traveled back to the black lacy corset dress in front of her and she decided to spice her costume up a bit. If she was going to have fun for once, she was going to do it right.

“Will you try it on?” Nick asked with a spark of curiosity in his eyes. Eden felt how her cheeks heated up at his expression.

“What if I wanted to surprise you?” She answered him boldly and her mind instantly started to race at her sudden change in demeanor. She didn’t even know why she acted that way.

Nick smiled at her cheekily, before they started to add the last touches to her costume. A pair of fishnet tights, some black gloves and a fake knife. Eden decided she was going to wear her old thigh high boots with it.

As they approached the checkout counter, Eden felt a mix of excitement and amusement. She surprisingly was pretty happy about her choice, and even more, she enjoyed the process with Nick.

Exiting the store, they headed back to their cars with bags in hand. Eden couldn't help but smile at Nick's infectious energy.

"Thanks for helping me pick something out," she said shyly but genuinely grateful.

Nick grinned. "Anytime, Eden. Now, let's make sure you turn heads and give everyone a good scare tonight!"

As they parted ways with a hug to get ready for the evening, Eden felt somewhat excited for the upcoming party, grateful for Nick's help in what she thought would be a complete disaster.

[bibbityboppitybillyharvgrove]

Holiday Blues - S.Rogers

Summary - Steve Rogers loves the holiday season, going all out with baking cookies, blasting holiday music and watching a constant stream of holiday movies. Y/N, his floormate and teammate, never celebrated the holidays and he wanted to know why. It takes her time but she finally opens up to him after an impromptu sparring session at midnight.

Word Count - 2117

Author's note - Welcome to Day 8 of my 25 days of fics! This is getting uploaded later than I usually do because it was not written in advance. School has been crazy with the end of the semester coming next week so I have been very busy. I hope you enjoy!

Warnings - Hydra, mentions of torture and brainwashing, Steve is a very patient man, not proofread, vulgar language, use of Y/N, Female Reader, (let me know if I missed any!)

my masterlist

25 days of fics masterlist

Feedback is welcomed and encouraged!

Enjoy!

not my gif

not my gif

As she got older and the world became an increasingly worse place, it was hard to get into the Christmas spirit. She had seen most of the horrors of the world, alien invasions? Check, more than once. Half the world disappearing? Check. Meeting 2 men that were born during World War I? Check and check. She herself was much older than most people assumed, she was born during the late 20s so she knew how the two men felt.

However, only one of them embraced the holiday spirit and that was Steve. Steve who had probably seen worse than most of them, other than Bucky and Nat of course. Steve who was used as propaganda during the war. Steve who was ‘America’s Golden Boy’. Steve who was Captain America. A majority of the world never thought of Captain America as Steve Rogers, no, they thought of a strong man who had been a world protector starting with the second world war. Sure he was frozen for nearly 80 years but that didn’t matter to them, what mattered was the image America attached to him.

Y/N, who was a bit younger than Steve, still understood him better than most. She knew what it was like to be used for the ‘betterment’ of society. She knew what it was like for nobody to truly see the person she was. She knew what it was like to be frozen in time for decades and wake up confused and lost in a world filled with all this new kind of technology. She knew and Steve understood that. He understood that they went through similar things in their lives. He understood what she felt deep down but never let it show. 

Speaking of the horrors she had faced, well there was more than just alien invasions. She had faced escaping from Hydra, who was thought to be dormant. She had to face constant brain washing and memory wiping because no matter how often it was done, there was still a little piece of her inside that was fighting. That little piece was fighting for everything it had which wasn’t a lot. She was poor, her parents had died and her sister had moved to another state with her husband. She was left alone and Hydra saw this, Hydra saw a girl that was lonely and needed somebody so they became that somebody. She was manipulated into becoming a pawn in their game.

She had lost her faith in humanity long before she had woken up in the 21st century. But as she lived in this new century, she felt more out of place than she ever did. Because of this, she hadn’t felt the need to celebrate any holidays or any of her own birthdays. To her, these were miniscule things in a huge world of issues that needed to be resolved.

With living in the Avengers tower, it was quite hard to get away from holidays. Almost every inch of the tower had been decorated for the holiday season, Christmas lights and Hanukkah candles staring her in the face every time she left her room. She had even told Tony that she didn’t want her floor to be decorated but he ignored that request and her floor was decorated anyway. 

Even Bucky, who shared her floor, didn’t want the decorations up. He too could care less about the holidays after all of the horrors he had seen. The two of them brought up the point to Steve who was the other person on their floor. Tony thought it was funny to keep the three of them together and call it the glacier floor but that’s besides the point. Steve admitted he was the one who wanted the floor decorated. Bucky and Y/N knew that Steve had a particular love for holidays, no matter what kind of holiday it was.

The two couldn’t be mad at him so they ignored the decorations the best they could, ignored the constant baking the best they could and ignored the constant holiday movies and songs the best they could.

Steve, on the other hand, was trying to get the two of them excited for the holidays. He couldn’t understand why they hated holidays so much so he took to asking. Bucky was okay with the holidays but Y/N would almost disappear during them. He had asked Bucky first and all he said was he was too old to celebrate holidays to which Steve scoffed at his life-long best friend. Steve knew it was an excuse but he brushed it off since Bucky had started watching holiday movies with him and helped him with his baking.

Steve couldn’t seem to get a straight forward answer from Y/N though. It was like she hated talking about the subject of holidays all together. But Steve watched as her walls cracked a little bit and her true feeling shone through. 

“I used to love the holidays, especially when I still had my parents around and my sister. We had so many traditions that I couldn’t keep track but as I got older and my parents' health deteriorated, we stopped our traditions because they were becoming too much. After they died and my sister and her husband left the state, I was alone so I didn’t feel the need to celebrate the holidays anymore. I had nobody to celebrate them with, I guess I just never went back to celebrated after waking up,” She explained to Steve, but he knew there was more to the story. Her voice changed a lot as she spoke about why she stopped celebrating but it wavered the most when she said she stopped celebrating. He could tell she was lying to him just by her voice but she also avoiding his eye contact and was shifting from foot to foot. Those were her usual tells that she was lying.

“There’s something more that you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?” He asked her.

“There is but let’s save that for another day.” So they did save it for another day, Steve brushing it off until she looked particularly off, more than usual during the winter holiday season.

“What’s going on? You seem upset,” Steve asked her quietly one night in the kitchen. He was cleaning up after a baking disaster with Bucky, the other super soldier going off to bed after. It was just the two of them as it neared midnight, the only light being the gentle ceiling lights that hung over the island.

“Just thinking about my life back in the 30s. I couldn’t sleep so I spiraled a bit and needed to get out of my own head for a bit. Wanna head to the gym with me?” She offered him. He put the rag he was cleaning with down and followed her to the elevator so they could go to the gym.

“You wanna talk about it?” He questioned gently, not trying to pry the information out of her.

“Maybe after I get some energy out.”

So as they entered the gym after getting off of the elevator, it was quiet. He had never heard the gym so quiet before, usually music was playing or someone was in there training but it was desolate. Y/N loved coming to train at this time, enjoying the quiet and the privacy it provided. The two of them sparred for a bit, and by a bit that really means nearly 3 hours before one of them got even remotely tired. 

“You wanna tell me what’s going on now?” Steve asked as they both laid on the floor of the ring, panting and sweating from their long spar session.

“I was taken by Hydra 75  years ago today and tomorrow will be 75 years of me having the serum in my body. It’s why I hate the holidays so much, they remind me of Hydra and what they did to me. Reminds me of times when I was younger and able to believe in my family’s traditions. When I was innocent and not a monster that Hydra created. When I was me,” She explained absently. She was staring at the ceiling as she talked and continued on as he spoke back.

“So Hydra took you on Christmas Eve and you got the serum on Christmas day? Why would they do that to you? You were so young!” 

“Because I was alone and sad. My parents had just died, my dad dying of cancer and my mom dying of a broken heart, my sister got married and left to some southern state with her husband. They saw that I was vulnerable and alone so they used that as their opportunity to take me. I went willingly because I thought that I was doing the right thing, they really knew how to play mind games. Then I met Bucky, he was still Bucky but he was getting tortured and brainwashed right next to me until he wasn’t Bucky anymore. I was the next in line, getting the serum hurt like a son of a bitch, I didn’t think I would live but I did. Then came my torture and brainwashing. I put up a hell of a fight, nearly 40 years until I gave up fighting.”

Steve’s heart was heavy as she talked, not knowing what to say so he just listened. “There were a few times I almost died but they never let that happen, I was a winter soldier, one of two compliant soldiers they could use and abuse however they liked. I was in and out of cryo just like Bucky, when I was in he was out and when he was out I was in, that made for the consistency that they wanted and craved. The last time they sent me on a mission with Bucky was to kill Howard and Maria. I spent so many years of my life frozen in some unclaimed territory so when I escaped right before the issue with SHIELD, I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I had such a hard time adjusting to everything going on because the last time I was out of cryo was the 90s where technology wasn’t as advanced. That’s probably why you found me so quickly, I didn’t know how to lay low and in the shadows in this new world.”

“Come with me,” Steve said, getting up and holding out his hand for her to take. She grabbed his hand, pulling herself up and followed him. He hadn’t let go of her hand and neither did she. They left the tower, both of them in sweaty pajamas, and walked through the streets of New York City. She had no idea where Steve was taking her but she willingly followed. They finally stopped right in front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, brightly lit and holding the winter snow in all of the right places to make the view even more breathtaking.

“That’s beautiful, I haven’t seen this in person ever. I never realized how pretty it actually is,” She rambled about the beauty of the large evergreen. 

“I know holidays are tough and trust me I understand what it’s like to spend them alone, but you don’t have to, not anymore. You have me, Bucky and the rest of the team. We can start new traditions, just me and you and go from there. How does that sound?” Steve asked her, his eyes lit up with joy and wonder, he looked like a kid in a candy store.

“Can this be one of them? Seeing the tree at 3 in the morning on Christmas eve?” She asked innocently as she looked into his storm blue eyes.

“Of course it can. We can add a new one every year.”

She smiled a real smile for the first time since November had rolled around. The two of them enjoyed the view of the tree and the company of one another as the sun started to rise. They stood there until the sun was up and the streets were getting busy before making their way back to the tower. The two of them happy as could be, hands intertwined as they practically skipped through the tower and to the main kitchen floor where they had breakfast as a team every morning. 

Y/N was happy to be starting new traditions with someone she loved dearly, someone who cared about her but never pried her for anything that was on her mind, someone who let her take her time opening up and going to him in times of need. Someone she needed in her life.

[outcaststars]

I've been streaming on twitch for over 4 years. I've made a great community and a wonderful group of friends but I've also had to deal with a lot of aweful people. Recently I've been feeling particularly upset about it all so I'm going to air all my grievances here. TW this mentions bullying, grooming, self harm and abuse. If anyone mentioned in this post trys to comment im just gonna delete it, i also dont care if your fav streamers is here, this is my authentic experience. Also dont go attacking anyone i mention here, the whole point of this is to be better then them.

Rat_emoji

The first streamer I ever had an issue with was Rat_emoji. It all started when I tuned into one of their DbD streams only to find him streaming another, younger, streamers live content.

He had just died to this kid playing Myers, he had TTV in his name and Rat was so mad about what had happened he streamed this kids twitch live to his viewers, all the while making fun of his appearance and stream quality.

A day later I would go back and screen record this whole interaction so I can share that if you want to see it. It felt so disgusting to watch this happen live, he has 100 viewers in chat and they were all being nasty. The only person who told him to stop was drag streamer Suttonfister (i think, 90% sure) who was in the same game and discord call at he time. the whole scene was aweful to witness, it felt like such an abuse of power. Rat didnt directly say anything mean but they made a lot of mean girl comments and didnt moderate anything cruel their chat said, it was obviously intentional.

After this I blocked Rat, it would have been easy to avoid him if he didn't found the stream team "Aussie pride", he got a lot of attention for that and a lot of praise and all of it made me sick. Funnily enough I heard that Aussie Pride was an aweful team to be in. The creators didn't care about the smaller members, planned no events and then disbanded the team with the release of Hogwarts legacy because they didn't want to take a stance on JK Rowling. Honestly it seems like the whole thing was a vanity project. That's why I don't like Rat_emoji.

Dcypherpup

DCpup was the first streamer I tried to network with. He hired me to make some art for him. He wanted me to work on merch for his channel, I declined, saying that I wasnt comfortable with the idea of someone else selling my art. I counter offered to just make him a profile icon, this way we could see how my style suited him and i could work out how to tackle the idea of eventually doing merch.

When the icon was done I sent him the high res file, he asked for my signature (my artist tag, a very small "outcaststars" in the corner) to be removed. When I asked why, he told me he needed it gone in order to upload it as merch.

Naturally I was upset. I explained that we had already made a deal not to do merch yet and I also explained that I was uncomfortable with the idea of removing my tag. I went on to explain why visibility was so important for artists. At the time I was a much smaller content creator and DCpup platform was much bigger.

He apologized and said he would give me a cut of the sales. I said don't bother and reluctantly let him do what he wanted. At the time I was too scared to make enemies so I fell into people pleasing.

I took more work from DCpup because I needed the money and I hoped it would be good for my channel growth. He would upload my work to his store and wouldn't credit me. I was frustrated.

The tipping point was after the final comm I took from him. An animated ending screen. During this process DCpup would message me everyday asking for updates which was annoying. When I delivered the final product he once again asked for my tiny, half transparent signature to be removed. I was so upset and defeated, I told myself I'd fight it but I didn't. I removed my sign from every layer, reanimated the whole thing and vowed not to take work from him.

After the piece was done he wanted to commission me again. I left him on read, then I found out what he was saying about me to other people. A good friend of mine showed me a message he had sent in his stream, telling him not to bother commission me, because I would be too busy doing work for him. I was furious.

Another week later I got raided by someone and told the new viewers to check out my work, it broke my heart when someone who looked at my insta, told me he had no idea I made all of DCpups stuff. Why would he? Dcypherpup went to ridiculous lengths to hide my credit. He was telling people not to contact me and not tagging any comm work with my name. One day he came into my live stream and I was so mad I banned him on the spot .

I wish I had done more to be assertive, live and learn. Funnily enough I found out he posted a big rant, telling people off for supporting JK Rowling when Hogwarts legacy released. Only to be called out for buying it and playing it on his steam, which he had forgotten to make private. He deleted the tweet. What a cunt.

Undertheredmoon and Greenypika

Redmoon is furry streamer that I use to really like. They were funny, had great energy and I would even go as far to say that they were a friend.

All this came to a grinding hault the day he invited furry artist and accused child groomer Daveoverlord to join us on Monster hunter rise live on stream.

Dave wasn't in voice chat and I wasn't reading Redmoons twitch chat at the time, so although I was aware of who Dave was, I didn't realize it was them. When someone messaged me about it a few days later I was mortified, I assumed Redmoon didn't know and I messaged them immediately.

I asked Red if he knew who Dave was and what he had done and the kind of artists he was friends with (cub artists). Redmoon ghosted me, left me on read for a week. I messaged again asking why he wasn't talking to me. He said he was too stressed to deal with this "drama" and didn't care to get involved. He mentioned that if Dave was guilty cops probably would have gotten involved and said he just wanted to focus on his own work.

When I asked Redmoon where he stood on cub porn, he stopped replying. We haven't spoken since.

The same person who told me about Dave joining stream also pointed out that Greenypika was inviting Dave onto his stream. They dm'd greeny and asked them if they knew and greeny said he had no idea and that he'd look into it. Greeny hadn't responded for a few months so I dm'd him with the same message and got the same copy paste reply. TLDR greeny knew and was just lying about it so I blocked him too.

Daveoverlord

Dudes a fucking groomer and now he streams. Blocked.

Cidermarten

Cider and I got into an argument once, the topic of which is no one's business.

His bf weyland got mad at me for it and vague tweeted about it so I decided to start a group chat with them to sort it out. And we did.

I apologised for what I did and cider took some time away from interacting with me. Everyone in this situation wanted what was best. And weyland is now one of my best friends.

Cider and I aren't as close as we could be but that's my fault. They're honestly a wonderful person and I appreciate their friendship. There inclusion in this list is to prove a point later but they're also the only person here who I think deserves success.

Stripeydragon and Break trail.

This one is complicated because it involves someone who ment a lot to me.

Back when the exclusive stream team Break Trail formed, my good friend Marsh joined the team. Being an artist he did a lot of the teams promo art of all it's members. Marsh had a lot of anxieties about the team because he was one of its smallest members and often told me he felt underappreciated or out of place. This feeling for worse when artist/streamer and fellow team member Stripeydragon decided he was going to do a redraw of all of marsh's promo work.

I didn't see Marsh much at the time but when this began he spent the better part of a week in my mod chat expressing how upset he was about it. It didn't help he was already anxious but he felt stripydragon was replacing him and even mentioned a time when he tried to give feedback on stripys work only for him to disregard it. Marsh was really fucking upset.

After stripeydragon posted the work my moderator, Ibn, who had been listening and consoling marsh for a week, decided to comment on the art publically. He said he didn't think stripyes version of the art was better and criticized him of slimming down the fater characters.

I wanna pause this to say I don't condone what Ibn did. He ment well but it wasn't his fight and he shouldn't have commented a critique on something no one asked him to judge. Don't do this. Anyway...

Stripeydragon fucking hated this. Not only did he respond to every tweet, he went into the break trail discord and rallied everyone to defend him and attack Ibn, a lot of break trail members also rushed to the comments to defend stripey and attack ibn. He also posted ibns comment in his own discord to encourage others to dog pile on. This shit got out of hand super fucking fast. Ibn was crying and marsh was pissed. It was betray of trust on Ibns part, but the way stripey responded was downright scary.

Shit was at its peak by the time I woke up (Australian timezone) and I immediately went into damage control. I gave Ibn a huge lecture, I was mad af and told him to apologize. I dm'd breaktrails stream team manager Mari, and tried my best to defuse the situation so that both parties could stop. Everyone deleted their tweets. Ibn apologised a dozen times and Marsh told everyone that ibn was just an asshole.

So the story everyone believes now is that marsh actually loves stripydragons work and Ibn is just a weird jerk. There where no consequences for stripydragons weaponizing a stream team and their fan base against someone on twitter. They're still a member of break trail but the team has been dead for a long time. I understand that Ibn was in the wrong and marsh should have just talked about his issues with his team. But this is another case of someone with a big platform and bigger ego not hesitating to use that to attack others.

Starkymorph

this one is fucked up.

Starky mods for a bunch of break trail members, so he had an inside look into the whole stripeydragon thing. Keep that in mind.

About a year after the stripey incident, I woke up to a message from starky. I had recently finished a commission for starky but apart from that we didn't know each other well.

He claimed that ibn had harassed him on stream by bringing up controversial topics and that because he was my mod he wasn't going to support me any more. I was pretty angry, Ibn was causing trouble again. I dm'd ibn and told him I didn't want to hear what he had to say and instead I just wanted the timestamp on Starkeys VOD so I could see what he did myself.

I watched the VOD and what I saw didn't line up with anything starky had said. He made the whole thing up.

What really happened was, starky decided to bring up "cancel culture" and went on a rant about how it was inherently bad and that anyone who participates in it only does it for "self-aggrandizing reasons". A lot of the shit he said was very thinly veiled right wing bullshit dog whistles.

Ibn asked him to elaborate and said something to the likes of "what about people who cancel pedos and rapists" and starky banned ibn and ended the convo.

Ibn didn't start the controversial topic and he didn't harass anyone. But starky was mad and wanted to attack him, he knew Ibn had a history of starting shit so he came to me with a bullshit story thinking I'd believe him and Ibn would lose his friends. And it almost worked.

I tried to talk some sense into starky, I pointed out that his original message was dishonest. Starky doubled down and made up more lies. He continued to claim that things happened during the stream that aren't in the VOD. He even bought up weylandshere and claimed he was harassing him too, out of nowhere! which if you watch the VOD is also completely made up. He said some ablist shit about "high functioning autism" aswell, its all really incoherent. Non of this is true and I downloaded the VOD so he couldn't hide the evidence.

Starky tried to use my argument with cider and Ibns argument with stripy as evidence that we were bad people. I found this really sinister, because my initial reaction to Starkys story, was that i believed him, pretty much everyone reacted this way. It upsets me that i was almost convinced to distance myself from my best friend because of a lie.

A ton of people didn't watch the VOD and took Starkeys word. Starky blocked me and started asking all his followers and mutuals to do the same. A whole bunch of people sub tweeted about ibn being an abuser and me being an enabler. It was fucking aweful. It went on for days.

This only stopped when Kyziethewolf stepped in and defended me. Even tho starky was one of his best friends, he had watched the VOD and told everyone he was lying. Starky doesn't talk to kyzie now and it really broke his heart.

A lot of people still believe starky and I lost a bunch of mutual streamers support because of this. It's one of the worst attacks I've suffered on twitter/twitch to date.

I found out a few months later he's added "outcast is racist" to the narrative he tells people and there's nothing I can do about that

This also basically ended my friendship with Marsh. I've known marsh for 7 years and hes a friend of Starkeys too. During this whole ordeal he never spoke up, it was only kyzie. I was really upset about this because i feel that Marsh could have made a significant change to how this played out if he had of just stepped in.

When he dm'd me a few weeks after asking if I'm make some free art for his project I told him no. I told him I was hurt. He said he just didn't want to get involved in drama. i think its really harmful to reduce harassment to just "drama". We've stopped talking.

Jayedskier

I met jayed though my friend weyland. I needed a 3D artists and he needed work.

Jayed had recently lost a lot of friends because during COVID he tweeted that people not social distancing at a furcon where putting disabled, high risk, people's lives in danger. Totally righteous imo.

He however also tweeted that anyone who doesn't where a mask should kill themselves and deservingly got a lot of hate and backlash. Lost a lot of friends. Since then he was pretty unwilling to comment on any political shit. Publically that is.

The first fight I got into with jayed was when Ibn reposted a Tumblr thread about the YouTuber keffals, and some of the problematic things she'd done. Jayed loves keffals so he dm'd Ibn about it and started a huge fight defending his favourite YouTuber. I stepped in to try and resolve the fight but no one was really happy.

This argument made jayed realise that he didn't have the same values as the friend group he was in. He liked keffals, he thought it was ok to say the R slur and he felt people should be allowed to support JK Rowling.

He left my discord and I contacted him trying to smooth things over. We talked for a long time and I settled on agree to dissagree the hopes to change his mind on some of these issues.

That didn't happen. Jayed kept starting fights about woke shit, even though he's a self proclaimed "leftist" and it slowly drove a wedge between us. He stopped talking to everyone in our friend group, unfollowed us all on socials.

Artists/streamer and friend Ixu had drawn a big group shot of all of us together. Weyland (who is in this friend group) was pretty angry about the whole ordeal so he asked Ixu for a version without jayed edited out. When he posted this jayed got super pissed about it.

Jayed tweeted about how unwelcoming my community was. Screen caped some DM's and changed the context. I was so angry, I had spent months continuing to offer my friend ship and trying to change his mind. One of the last fights we got into he said he was mad that "people" expected him to show support for Palestine and thats kind of the end of it.

This one hurt because it felt like a betrayal. Jayed you can get fucked dude.

Socksthewolf

This one is super recent and is basically why I decided to write this.

I can't remember how I met socks. They work in the games industry and they have a LOT of money/connections. He gives away a lot of stuff, Donates to people a lot. He very affectionate and Everyone loves him. I even accepted a bunch of charity/gifts from him and in return drew a bunch of gift art.

Socks success made a few mutuals of mine uncomfortable. He had a lot of money to put into stream so his channel grew insanely fast. I'm also told he made comments to some mutuals, comparing channel growth that made them feel bad. He ran multiple giveaways and got partner almost a year after starting stream.

There was some drama between socks and one of his mods. I tried my hardest not to get involved. Socks employs a lot of parasocial strategies in order to retain an audience so he flirts a lot and also has a persona of "I'm you dad" on stream. Idk if this counts as love bombing, but it feels similar.

I heard that one of his mods developed a crush on him and when rejected, he drank himself into the hospital. He almost died.

I spoke with this ex mod about it. He doesn't blame socks for what happened even tho he feels the rejection was harsh. I still feel that socks takes advantage of people with his gifts and parasocial friendship. This is a result of that going unchecked.

One of our mutuals found out about this and was really upset. They tweeted about it and tried to hold socks accountable. Nothing came of it.

I grew distant from socks when he started hanging out with Redmoon a lot. Because I felt close to them at the time I messaged him a about Redmoon and what happened between us. He never replied.

This story takes a dark turn when jayedskier, friend of socks, decided to make that tweet mentioned in his section. Socks also went in on someone jayed had mentioned.

This is about my good friend Weyland. Weyland had had someone very close to them pass away recently. Socks complied some tweets and chat screen caps, and made up a story of weyland threatening to kill themselves.

Some of the messages were about weylands dead friend. Socks knowingly changed the context and lied to make weyland look bad.

I honestly think this is the worst thing on this post. To use the death of someone and the personal anguish of someone and ammo for you bullshit story about them is fucking horrifying.

I replied to socks tweet about weyland, I told him what he was doing was wrong. He told me that he feels bad I'm surrounded by toxic people and that he hopes they get better.

After seeing the way socks treats his audience and the way he lied about another streamer, I genuinely believe hes some kind of abuser. Idk the vibe is REALLY off with this one. This feels worse then bullying, there's an ego about it. I've blocked socks on everything. Frankly they scare me.

Final notes

Anyway that's been my aweful experience with aweful twitch streamers. The whole thing has left me bitter and sad and I no longer want to interact with anyone. idk where to go from here.

Twitch TOS doesn't care what people say or do on other platforms. And with other streamers/mutuals so unwilling to get involved or show support I just feel alone.

I do feel compelled to speak up when I see or experience something I think isn't right. I think a lot of neurodivegant people, like myself, feel that way. But I think it's been terrible for my career. I hate the feeling that I'd be so much more successful if I'd shut my mouth and looked away. Maybe even be partner by now. I know a lot of this comes across as just "furry drama" but i think its reductive to label it as that. Content creators who engage in these kind of harmful behaviors need to be held accountable if we want to see any positive change. And im not saying that means "CANCEL" them. some (not all) of these content creators can still learn and grow and be better. Negative attitudes and dismissive statements of "its just drama" create a space for bullies to thrive

Finally, please PLEASE do NOT under any circumstances harass anyone involved in this post. This is not an attempt to rally the masses to lynch some people, im just telling my story so that next time you see someone come forward with claims about a content creator you like you'll see the situation differently.

If you made it this far, wow. Thank you. Dunno if I'll post the vids/screencap evidence. I don't know if I care enough.

[indigosuvi]

There's No One Else I'd Rather Be With

age in bio when interacting. minors do not interact.

Word Count: 852 / Read it on AO3 | Offline Version

edit made by me do not re-upload. edit 2 | edit 3

Summary: An insecure reader decides to leave Abraham.

He knew from the very moment he laid his eyes on you that he loved you. He wanted you. He could never tell you how he felt. He was a fish, sort of, a… Well, it didn't matter, you would never love someone like him. Someone of his species.

He always knew what he was saying, what he was doing. Except when he was around you. He frequently stumbled over his words. If he were anything else, you would have seen him blushing. A part of him was thankful he would never have to experience you seeing him blush every time you were around. He also had the unfortunate ability to read people's minds. It wasn't something he could help or control. He never intended to read your thoughts, but he couldn't help it when he touched your shoulder to get your attention. He knew you liked him back. He wanted to tell you how he was feeling right then and there, but he couldn't. He didn't want to push you away, even though he knew how you felt. He was too afraid that he might be rejected. He was too afraid of what might be said or what might happen.

It was you who had said something first, and he happily accepted it. He enjoyed spending his time with you. Frequently, he would spend his time out of his tank, talking to you, reading with you, and spending time together. You, at times, would join him in his tank, which he happily showed you around. If you didn't know how to swim, he had no issue helping you and teaching you.

He enjoyed every moment with you and tried his best to not read your thoughts. He didn't want to be rude. He loved you. He truly did.

The both of you had been together for months.

Until you couldn't do it anymore. You were a human. He wasn't. You didn't think things could work. You didn't want to hurt him. You were too afraid to tell him what you were feeling, and you avoided him at every chance you could.

Abe was gutted. He spent his time trying to talk to you. To find out what was wrong. What had happened? Was it something he said? Was it his breath from eating the eggs? He just had to be close enough to touch you, and you knew that. Which is why you kept as far from him as you possibly could.

Abe floated in his tank, listening to sad songs on full volume. If he cried, the water washed them away. He couldn't cry. He wasn't a human.

He didn't tell anyone how he had felt, wishing to keep personal matters between the two of you. He wished he could have spoken at least one last word to you. He wished he could have done better to prevent you from leaving. He wished he would have known what he had done wrong.

He climbed out of his tank for the day. He took to writing poems, expressing how much he had loved and cared for you. He would have waited years for you. He could have. He wouldn't find someone else. He wanted you back, or at least to know what he had done wrong.

You avoided the library knowing that's where his tank was. Knowing he would see you before you ever saw him. He didn't want to, but he used his senses from his hands to find you. You were alone. He knocked on the door, waiting for an answer, something before you answered the door.

He quickly grabbed the door. You wouldn't be able to close it, not without hurting him.

"Y/N, please… I just want to talk to you."

You could hear the pain in his voice and yet, you stepped away from the door, turned around, and walked further into the room.

He opened the door and followed after you. He put a hand on your shoulder. It was at that moment, he knew.

You didn't want to leave, you wanted him. You loved him just as much as he loved you. It tore you apart to leave him, to avoid him, to pretend as if you didn't know he spent his days searching for you. You were insecure about your species.

"Y/N, I… I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have accepted your request… I'm sorry for intruding… I shouldn't have." He said as he withdrew his hand from you. His head remained lowered.

"I'm sorry for leaving you." You spoke as you turned towards him. You stepped closer and wrapped your arms around him. He wrapped his arms around you

"Do… Can we talk about things next time…? That is, um, if you'd like to continue… sorry."

"Yes, Abe. I… I still want to be with you. We can talk things out. I just didn't think that you liked me. I'm a human."

He gave you a gentle squeeze.

"I have always loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else."

© SUVIDRACHE — do not copy, translate, modify, or plagiarize my work. reblogs are appreciated!

Tag List: @eli-chris, @queendeeshorrorimagines, @phantomheiko, @unlikelypersonalknight1 / Join my tag list here!

[ms-cartoon]

Sorry for the long wait for this review. Life has been biting me in the rear lately and I’ve been unmotivated to get anything done. But I’m finally finished with this commentary and I haven’t forgotten about the “Unhappy Campers” episode that was uploaded recently. That will be done as well!

Okay, FINALLY Season 1 Episode 8 came out and about, after a year I think. Why was it taking so long? 

Well, short story; professional (or personal?) reasons involving Kesha. Also, copyright issues. 

Long Story? Well, as we all know, Kesha, a pretty known popstar, was voicing the role of a character Viv created for this episode named Beelzebub. As you can see from the gif I put on top, you can tell that there are some similarities there. Not just with the voice, but also appearances here and there.... which was one of the problems and reasons why Kesha didn’t wanna voice this role, at least initially since she clearly changed her mind after a year or so. If you’ve seen this episode, you’d probably know by now that Beelzebub is a party girl; she likes to drink, party, and eat junk food n stuff. And Kesha is ALL those things; party girl, likes to drink and eat. Or at least... she was like that? Thing is, she went to rehab for all those things and is recovering from it from what I’ve heard.

Not that I wanna assume anything but... creating an oc that has certain traits that the voice actor was struggling with and had to get cleaned for, not to mention that Beelzebub is a literal reference to Kesha and how she was back in the day? I don’t know what Viv’s goal was there, but doesn’t she think that might be a little insensitive?? Now, I don’t know if Kesha is sensitive about that, but she must’ve felt some type of way about it considering she wanted nothing to do with HB in the first place and had to wait almost a year to finally decide to do it.

Also, I still don’t get why this episode had to wait a year for this. Like, I get that Kesha is Vivzie’s idol and it was her dream to have her voice someone in her show, but did she really want her to voice a role so badly she wanted to put a pause on the season 1 finale and completely skip to season 2 until finally uploading it a year later? Why couldn’t she just get someone else to voice Beelzebub? Kesha didn’t even sing the song that was played in this episode, and she wrote it!! It just kinda feels like all this was for nothing. This should probably be the last time Viv EVER tries to get big-time celebrities to voice over characters in her show. Especially when it gets so complicated to the point where you have to keep certain famous youtube videos private, when animators can’t even upload animation roughs from the episode, and when you can’t tag Kesha about her association with Helluva Boss on ANY social media. Yeah . . . It’s that complicated. Hopefully, Viv will learn some kinda lesson from all of this, cuz she had to take her “Die Young” animation off YouTube because of it, which honestly sucks (mostly for her anyway). It really is messed up, especially when considering that Viv’s Die Young video was what mainly started her whole career in the first place before Hazbin. I really hope it was worth it,Viv. . . .

Anyway, let’s just jump to the review...

So episode 8 was kinda... meh. It was alright I guess, still like always, I was expecting something outta nothing. Of course, some things happened on here that I just had to complain about, and I’ll explain later. But the gist of it is that... not a lot happened in this episode. As always, the writers were just rushing things. This whole episode might as well have been a 5-minute clip after so much wasted time on some stupid song which I’ll admit is pretty catchy (gives me 2010 vibes). And also what bothers me about this whole thing was that this was about Loona. 

Lemme explain; so y’all remember Ozzie’s right? That whole thing with Blitzo spying on M&M and bringing Stolas along just to get in the club? Yeah, that episode. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that was supposed to be a Part 1 before episode 8 before Viv decided at the last minute to change that. At the end of episode 7, Blitzo pushed Stolas away after dropping him off. He went home and was scrolling through pictures and started to cry after seeing a picture of him, his sister, and mother. I was expecting this whole episode to be about just Blitzo and what he got going on, similar to Stolas and his episode in the second season. Like maybe a flashback of his past or something with the people that was a part of his life and left at some point over what he did. We have yet to know what happened between him and Fizzarolli that ended their friendship. Or what about his sister?? Cuz apparently, she doesn’t like Blitzo either and is holding a grudge about something. With Verosika, well we already know the two dated and why they broke up sorta, but I still feel like we have yet to explore the relationship they had. Like, how the hell did a scrawny little imp like Blitzo get with such a baddie like Verosika??? What was their relationship like?

So yeah, I just feel like this episode could’ve given us a whole other different plot. If anything, the story in this episode could’ve been saved for another. Not that there was any plot to tell anyway, especially when it’s 15-minutes long and rushed as hell. 

It’s literally just Loona at a party...

In episode 7 S1, Blitzo got a text from Loona saying Vortex invited her to a party and that’s where we are. The whole time, she’s having difficulties socializing with folks and is very awkward. Plus we have our new character, Beelzebub to lighten everybody’s mood. She’s also Vortex’s girlfriend, but I’ll get into that in a little bit. Also, after a while, Blitzo comes by to pick her up initially but later joins the party with Loona.

Let’s just get started....

-- Hold up, so no disclaimer of “This is for adults! You have been warned!” warning?? We’re just gonna jump straight into the episode? I’m not sure whether they forgot about that part or if they just don’t care anymore, but to me, it feels rather off. Especially since they’ve been doing it since the first episode of season 1. If you’re wanting to go all out with the r-rating anyway, it would still be best for you to put that disclaimer every time before you start the episode, especially when folks of a younger age are watching it for the first time and don’t like to be caught off guard with anything vulgar.

-- I couldn’t tell if Loona just hung up on Blitzo or just left him on read when he tried to call her. Regardless, she didn’t answer the phone while knowing fully well he’s trying to call her and its pretty rude. I know I’m being nitpicky about this part, but as someone who has parents who’d get onto you a little for not answering the phone sooner and not calling back immediately after finding out you missed the call, it can get a little triggering.

-- The hellhounds in this party don’t even look like actual hellhounds; just over a hundred different breeds of dogs with red eyes. If anything, Loona and Vortex look more like hellhounds.

-- Is it just me, or does the animation and clean-up here feel . . . . off? I mean- Look at the outlines!!

Do you see how different the outlines are in size in each different scene??? They’re thick in one part, totally thin in another, but right back to thick again, and so on. Honestly, the more I notice it, the more irritable it is. I get that there are hundreds of animators working in this show, they like to animate their way, and I’m no animator myself (not yet), but would it kill y’all to stay consistent with the clean-ups here? Why can’t you stick to the same brush size while outlining?

-- While we’re on that topic, Loona’s character model looks much more off than the outlining. I’m not sure how I can explain it, I don’t critique art or character designs often (ironic cuz I draw a lot, lol), but Loona has been drawn so stiff and thick lately. . . . . I dunno. It just doesn’t look the same. You might see what I mean if you just look at the pictures above. Once again, it just seems like the animators and artist cannot stay consistent with the animation and character appearances.

-- Loona butts in on a conversation with a couple of people she apparently doesn't get along with. I get that she's trying to socialize, but why, out of everyone in this party, did you choose to talk to someone who takes embarrassing photos of you and talks shit??

-- So this poodle hellhound took a photo of Loona throwing up that one time at a party she participated in. A party before this one of course. But last I checked, it was implied in ep 3 season 1 that Loona had never been to a party before and the one that Tex invited her to (the one in the episode) would be her first one. The party that Loona vomited at should’ve been her first one instead of the one Beezlebub is running. Not to mention that she has met some of these hellhounds before and is known as “Lunatic Loona” by most of them. This folks is yet another retcon.

-- Loona calls the poodle a bitch, leaving everybody completely shocked for some reason. “Ooooh! Teacher! She just said a bad word!” That’s seriously what they’re acting like. As if NOBODY in this wasted ass party (or in hell at all) has ever said a bad word before. If y’all don’t grow tf up-

-- I’m sorry, but if y’all asked me what I thought The seven deadly sin of Gluttony would look like, NEVER in my LIFE would I have pictured THIS--

I know I cannot have been the only one high off shrooms the moment I seen this character design. . . She looks like a concept art of an OC that was made a 12-year-old Vivziepop. 

 So first off, she calls herself Queen Bee... but is shaped like the rest of these furry fanservice mutts. She’s just another wolf/fox with only a little bit of bug-like features to pass off that she’s only. . . part bee. But why not just make her a FULL BEE??? Why does she have to look like a whole lava lamp hellhound??? Like, I know the lava lamp feature was supposed to be based off her personality, but why can’t that just be her hair?? Why do you have to add that part to her STOMACH!!?? I can’t even tell if that’s just apart of her clothes or her actual body! Either way, its too much!! It must’ve been hard as sh*t to animate her!!!

It doesn’t even make sense that she looks like a hellhound anyway!! Hellhounds are supposed to be in the lowest rank right beside imps and Beezlebub looks like one of them, only with an extra pair of arms!! Once again, why can’t she just be a BEE or something???

-- I always forget that Helluva Boss is supposed to be a musical. Probably because it just doesn’t fit as one at this point, especially with this pop music. When it comes to musicals, the point in the songs is that we would have to feel empathy for whoever’s singing and they also tell a story while we get a sense in what we’re about to see, and it also drops hints in what will happen next. But THIS song, it’s just a little pop music talking about sweets while also introducing Beezlebub. I get that its the point in pop music; there’s not much meaning to them and it’s only meant for you to enjoy and sing along with, but you can’t really call this show a musical when music like this is being played. Like I said from before, it’s still fairly catchy. I’ll admit that, but I could hardly feel for it.

-- I don’t wanna badge Kesha for her acting skills. It’s not like she’s been in a lot of films anyway. I mean, she’s a pop singer first and always, so that’s fair. But it was pretty, meh? Like, she kinda sounded like she didn’t even wanna be there in the studio and is only reading her lines instead of actually ACTING them while putting little emotion in what she’s saying. Honestly, most of Beelzebub’s lines are kinda pointless anyway. Like she’s just saying random bizarre monologues that I can hardly care about or even listen to. I can’t even tell if I was supposed to laugh at them or what. Seems like to me the writers only put those lines in the script just to hear the famous Ke$ha talk more. Not to mention that some of what she said sounded completely unnecessary and weird. For instance, Beelzebub mentioned how she was associated with Satan and thinks of him as her brother, but also finds him hot without his shirt on and said that she could “hit that”. . . . . Uhh, not exactly something you should say or even THINK about your brother figure ma’am. Why y’all gotta have Kesha say all that?? I can definitely see why she wouldn’t wanna act out these scripts!! She must’ve felt hella uncomfortable reading them!

And Viv, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THE INCEST JOKES!!??

-- Okay, so . . . . Vortex, a lower class hellhound, and Beelzebub, one of the seven deadly sins being Gluttony (which means she a higher rank) dating?. . . Um, last I checked, a lower class and someone of higher up than that is kinda frowned upon by most of the demons in hell, as seen with how some people reacted to Blitzo and Stolas’s relationship. But for some reason, no one seems to react to Tex and Bee’s relationship?? Why is it that people mock Stolas and Blitzo for being a thing, but Tex and Bee can walk around and hold hands scott free??? I can tell that Viv just doesn't care anymore about the ranking system SHE made up.

-- I don’t really see Vortex and Bee as a couple anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I actually find it cute they’re together and even like the ship a little bit. But from what little interactions I’ve seen between them, kinda just seems like they’re more platonic best friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess if we we’re to dig deep into they’re relationship, then I might see something, but . . . . I dunno, that’s probably just me.

--  Loona is so hard to read, especially now. The whole time she’s there, she’s just feeling super uncomfortable, like she doesn't even wanna be there even though she's with Vortex, who's the only person she seems to be more at ease with out of everyone in the party. Even when Bee is super welcoming and nice to her, Loona still feels bitter while not even liking her (Probably because Bee is dating Tex). And then for some reason, she just ups and leaves then starts to... tear up?? It's not too clear to me why she’s feeling sad. You can’t blame me for not knowing or picking up on it. It’s not like she was doing much of anything other than standing there and barely talking. How am I supposed to know what she’s really feeling and why she’s feeling it when she’s given no dialogue?

-- I'm reminded that Loona still acts so bitter around Blitzo and it's honestly irritating. She calls to ask him to pick her up and when he asks her if she was doing okay, she responded with such attitude! Aren’t we supposed to be sympathizing with her here??? I don’t care how frustrated she feels right now, especially since she has no reason to be. And I just love it how when people see her and say, "Oh hey Blitzo! Is that your daughter?" And she quickly responds, "I'm his ADOPTED daughter!" Like bitch. . . WAS ANYONE ASKING THAT!! He’s your family!! Paper or no paper!! DEAL WITH IT!! And no shit your adopted!! People can see that he’s an imp and you’re a HELLHOUND!!! Stop being so defensive!! 

-- Are you for real right now. . . . . . 

You were getting all teary-eyed n shit, wanting to go home but as soon as some hellhound hottie starts flirting with you, you immediately get over it and change your mind in less than 5 seconds before you’re about to leave???? Like you don’t even think about it?? Viv, where are you getting at here???

-- I can’t really say much about Blitzo right now. He’s barely there anyway, only making an appearance in the last 10 minutes of the episode for comic relief and a pity party.

-- Viv must really don’t know what to do with her female characters and how to go about ‘em. Loona’s shown to be introverted and sad at first to straight up confident and lively around everyone in a matter of seconds. She’s so quick to make friends and get along with other hellhounds at the party as if it was no issue from before when it was. We don’t even get to see any progression of bonding with these out-of-nowhere friends she’s making. And all because of some dude that called her hot!!! It kinda makes me question on why Loona was even feeling sad in the first place since it was so easy for her to gain confidence.

-- Y’all, I think I’m convinced right now that the only reason Loona doesn’t like Beelzebub is because she’s dating her crush! Like- there’s nothing else to it. Bee and Tex are dating, Loona is still crushing Tex and that’s why she doesn’t like Beelzebub. Not to mention she’s possibly jealous because she feels inferior to her. She’s super outgoing, social, and could easily get along with anyone, something Loona can’t easily do (though that alone shouldn’t even matter because Loona already managed to make friends and some random hellhound flirted with her). You CANNOT convince me otherwise. And if that is the reason, then honey, you’re gonna have to let that go. For real!! You’re lucky that Tex even likes you enough to want to be your friend.

So Bee and Tex confront Loona about Blitzo, saying that he’s been drinking a lot (obviously) and that he’s going overboard with the partying. They suggested that Loona go check on him to make sure he’s okay and that he doesn’t cause some kind of scene (Then again, I don’t see why Bee would care. The point of her being the sin of Gluttony IS to go overboard with nearly anything. I mean- not the whole point, but it’s a common characteristic, so I don’t think she should be worried about it. I guess it’s good to know she’s considerate though.) Then all of a sudden, Loona snaps mainly at Bee and gets so hostile towards her saying, “You don’t know anything about my dad.” such and such, and I’m just like, “Ugh, again with your attitude!!!” 

For one, its pretty bold of you to stand up to a higher rank considering she could squash you in an instant.

But I mean- WHAT IS WITH THE SUDDEN HOSTILITY??? And most people wanna validate her, saying, “It was only a trauma response. You gotta understand that Loona is new to this and she’s not used to people suddenly caring and being kind. She’s just having a hard time trusting people and she did apologize.” Y’all. . . don’t even- First off, Loona's reaction to Bee felt too rushed and forced to be considered traumatic. Second off, someone having trauma does not excuse an unnecessary shitty attitude, especially when Bee has been so kind to Loona this whole episode. Third off, for someone who doesn’t trust people so easily and isn’t used to being given kindness, Loona seemed pretty quick to make friends with everyone at the party who were nice to her. She was sure as hell quick to get along with Vortex after only knowing him for a short amount of time! And he was kind to her too. She wasn’t being bitchy to them then. But when BEELZEBUB is showing care or kindness, Loona will suddenly start to act bitchy??? And because of some past trauma?? PLEASE!!

And some fans would go on to say, "She's just getting over a heartbreak. It takes a while to get over your crush."

They're saying this as if Loona is head over heels in love with Vortex when she was simply CRUSHING on him and from the moment she saw him. And yes, there IS a huge difference especially when Loona only knew Vortex in that short amount of time. I would understand Loona falling in love with Tex if they actually had the time to bond after ep 3. . . . but they didn't. At least there was no indication that they did. And on top of that, just for the record, Loona already knew that Tex had a girlfriend the same day she met him!! Which was five episodes ago!! So before y'all go on and say "She needs time to get over her crush", she should've already gotten over it by now!! I dunno why she's still crushing and blushing around him as if she believed he liked her back!

Why did she seem so shocked after Tex introduced his Bee anyway? As if Loona never recalled him mentioning he had a girlfriend back in ep 3. And say that was the reason why she was sad . . . why would it would it make her sad!!?? Like I said, she should’ve already known Tex had a girlfriend since he brought it up straight to her face. I would understand her being upset if he didn’t tell her and she didn’t find out about Bee until the last minute when Tex introduced her as his girlfriend. Then it would actually make sense for Loona to still crush on him the entire time because she wouldn’t have known he was taken and would believe she still had a shot with him. In this case, it would be understandable why it would make her sad. . . . but we didn’t go that route. Instead, we had to go about it the “Vivzie Way” (the more complicated way).

Point blank, Loona seems to only dislike Bee because she's with Tex and is jealous. And she shouldn't have reacted the way she did out of jealousy when Bee was only showing concern for Blitzo. Trauma or no trauma, I don’t care. It was unnecessary.

-- “Blitzo! BLITZO! Where are you, shithead!!”

Loona . . . . how’re you gonna get all defensive about your dad and then go straight back to calling him names?

-- For once, Loona decides she actually wants to care about her dad (mainly cuz she was told to). I guess its nice to see a cute father/daughter moment between Blitzo and Loona for once. Can’t say I feel for it at all though especially when it immediately starts to become completely pointless a season and two episodes later when we see this happen-

Seriously, how're they gonna have Loona and Blitzo bond by the end of the episode only for Loona to go back to treating him like shit the next? It’s like whatever build-up was being made between them immediately collapsed a season later, and over something as petty as a mild criticism Blitzo gave Loona. You can just TELL that Viv and the other writers don’t think before writing these scenes down!!

Also, how is it that Loona will get all concerned for Blitzo making out with folks in the party while wasted even though she was literally cheering for him to chug a whole barrel of liquor in order to beat Bee in a game. What’s sad about this is that it was one of the only times Loona calls him “Dad”. . . . In a drinking game . . . . .

-- Blitzo: "Loony, will you be there for me?"

Loona: . . .Be where?"

Be invisible, obviously. . . . Frickin' idiot. . . .

-- We're supposed to feel bad for Blitzo, but it's kinda hard for me to do that when he wasn't even the main focus in this episode at all when he should been. Still, it's not like I could feel sorry for him anyway since he brought that whole Ozzie's mess on himself.

For now, I think that's all that could be said about this episode. I might just make some edits if I feel if I left something off. But the whole gist of it is that I feel like this episode was just a whole lotta nothin'. I don’t even think Loona learned anything this entire episode. Of course, the whole plot here was Loona learning to socialize and make friends with everyone, but we didn’t even get to see any of that. And she clearly didn’t learn anything since she was influenced by some rando calling her hot. It’s honestly sad, for real. The females in this show needs some serious work not just in their stories, but their characters too.

[k8epot8e]

Train in Vain: Chapter 1

Notes: Never done this before, I've only ever written academic essays for grad school etc. I got the idea for this story on the train the other day. Wanted to play around with Kid's characterization and his relationship with Kil. The amount of space Kid and Killer are occupying in my brain lately is unhealthy and I especially loved the HC I'd seen of them being in a punk band together. I'd originally thought of this as a one-shot, but I enjoyed writing it so much that I will keep going! My plan atm is to upload another chapter by next week. Please let me know what you think! Going to try to improve my dialogue and action sequences. The general idea is that it'll all happen over the course of one night, like an After Hours, or American Graffiti situation. TWs: Reader is a woman. Sexual harassment of reader. Brief mention of an imaginary sex scene. Light violence. Implied drinking and drugs. Implied familial pressure and sexism. Cursing. Minors dni.

On AO3 I gave it an M but it's a lighter M. Here's that link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53565769

Summary:

You're headed out on a Saturday night when some cute punks help you out of a sticky situation. Next thing you know, you're tagging along to their concert. This isn't something you'd normally do, but they're nice to look at and you need a little more spontaneity in your life. Let's see where the night takes you.

The man was slumped against the faux wood-paneled wall of the train car. You only noticed him because of his massive, muscular frame. He was your age, late 20s, but he had a boyish charm about his face that made you grin. A mischievousness that was noticeable even with his eyes closed as he was currently. His hair stood up in a dark red shock like he'd stuck his finger in an electrical socket. He was pale and riddled with piercings, metal spikes jutting out from his nose and ears giving his angular face an even sharper appearance. He wore goggles loosely at the top of his forehead. A punk aesthetic that seemed simultaneously meticulous and nonchalant. You noticed his massive left arm was metallic from the elbow down. An equally large man sat beside him on the seat to his left. The man was blonde with long hair that layered itself in sharp locks down his shoulders. He had an old-school soul patch that softened his sharp jawline and drew attention to the blue paper mask he wore courteously over his mouth. He seemed tired in a way that betrayed his rough exterior. His traps were huge and strained against the collar of his worn blue t-shirt. Seeing their muscular physiques made you hold your breath albeit briefly as you boarded the train and quickly slid into a newly available seat.

It was mid-Saturday evening and you were making your way to a bar in south Brooklyn to meet up with a friend from college. She'd recently had a baby and her husband had been begging you to take her out. She was always so responsible; you'd historically been one of her very few bad influences and her husband loved you for it. Despite what she would say when pressed, she enjoyed the thrilling sense of ease you coaxed out of her typically rigid demeanor. Your relationship was easy. She didn't need to text or call you to make sure you still felt involved in her life. You could pick up right where you left off, be it months or years since you'd seen each other.

This was how you lived most of your life. Your family and upbringing were so exhausting that you felt an aversion to friction of any sort. That didn't mean you weren't responsible, of course you were. You always did what was expected of you or what you thought needed to be done. You were the oldest girl, rebelliousness was a luxury reserved for other people. Despite this, you carved out ways to satisfy your inner hellion as you could. Little rebellions that you could control but still scratched the itch you had to break everything down. You drank too much, but not enough to be a real issue. You smoked too much weed, only once it became legalized. You had a serious problem with authority figures or anyone for that matter who had the gall to tell you what to do. You would never cause an actual scene, but you'd fume for weeks after the encounter, thinking of clever ways to handle the situation in retrospect. You had a smart mouth, and while you rarely used it on high, your colorful vocabulary and quick temper had gotten you in serious trouble a couple of times before. You secretly loved using your words to cut someone down to their core, but only if they deserved it. When that side of you showed, the really mean one, no one could keep up with you. People would stare at you, eyes wide and mouth agape at your ability to so quickly discern what they truly hated about themselves and launch it back in their faces.

Aside from its ever-looming presence, this side of yourself was far away from you tonight. You were excited to see your friend, and shockingly the sun had been out today after nine days of straight rain. You had your AirPods in and were listening to one of your throwback playlists on Shuffle. The Clash rang in your ears, barraging your poor eardrums with excessive volume as the train hitched and swayed down the tunnel.

You let your gaze travel back up to the two large men at the other end of the train car. It struck you that it’d been a while since any man had touched you, let alone one as cute as the guys you were ogling shamelessly. You leered at the veiny forearms of the blonde, thickly folded into a taught cross over his chest. Your libido, ever your betrayer, flashed an imaginary scene in your mind’s eye. A vision of the man's vascular forearms tensed in a wrought-iron grip around the edge of a table in front of you, while he fucked you mercilessly from behind. You imagined what his strong body would feel like pressed against your back. A warmth bathed over your skin, your imagination tricking your synapses ever so gently. The warm sensation quickly shot upwards to your cheeks as you realized that the man was watching you stare at him. His expression wasn't judgemental or surprised, just thoughtful with the faintest hint of a smirk behind his mask. Your face flushed beet red and you quickly shook your head back and forth, attempting to convey to the man that you were not, in fact, ogling him but rather staring into the distance and were abruptly brought back to reality. This pathetic coverup attempt made you feel even more guilty since you knew your lustful gaze had been obvious. You averted your eyes down and to the right, tracing the lines made by an errant shoelace discarded on the floor.

The movement of the train broke you out of your shameful reverie. The driver pulled the break surprisingly hard into the next stop and your body lurched forward with the car. You steadied yourself on the wall to your left and watched as most of the people in your car streamed out of the train car doors. The older woman who had been sitting next to you disembarked and in her stead, a lanky brunette man with a buzzcut flopped down next to you dramatically. He gave you a shit-eating grin as your eyes met his and you quickly looked away.

You thought you felt a gaze from further down the train watching you closely but you didn't move or look up in an attempt to discourage your newly arrived neighbor from talking to you. This evasion failed miserably as he tapped you on your right thigh a little too high for your liking.

“Nice weather today, right?”

“Yep.” You said as you took out your right earbud.

“Where you headed?”

“To see a friend. What about you?” You mentally kicked yourself for engaging with him. Why were you so deferential?

“Me and my buddies are going out. Keeping the party going.” He nodded to a man to his right sitting across the aisle. His buddy was cute, like him, but something about him unsettled you. Something about both of them.

“Cool,” you said as you tried to put your earbud back in.

You noticed how empty the train car was. You and these two guys were the only ones on your end of the car. Why did this guy have to sit right next to you?

“What bar are you going to?” He asked quickly before you had the chance to put your earbud back in, so you stopped, holding it aloft.

“Baratie. It's nautical-themed.”

“Sounds cool. What's your friend's name?” He asked, staring you in the eye.

“Um, Amanda.” You said slowly.

“Hah. Good. I thought you were gonna say a guy's name.” He said and chuckled to himself.

“What?” You asked instinctively.

“I thought you were gonna say you had a date.” He explained. You were still confused.

“What do you mean?” You asked dumbly knowing full well his implication.

“I mean a pretty girl like you should come out with us tonight,” he said, his smile turning more nefarious by the second.

You'd never thought of yourself as pretty, and being called a girl made you feel infantile.

“Excuse me?” You asked not very aggressively

You knew that men generally found you attractive. You didn't know to what extent, but you knew on some level that you were cute. You never felt beautiful, that was a word reserved for tall, model-like women who were pretty in an ethereal sort of way. The women you found yourself watching in restaurants and clothing stores who made your heart skip a beat. They always seemed so effortless.

You were the opposite. You were small and round and angry and everything you did was full of effort. You weren't tiny but you were short. Despite your size, you always felt enormous and awkward. You were always moving out of people's way because you felt so brazenly wide. This feeling came from being muscular. You weren't ripped but you'd always played sports growing up and took every opportunity to carry things so that your mother didn't have to. You were a force of sheer mass and will. Femininity felt out of reach for someone who took up space.

Despite this, men found your willingness coupled with your small stature endearing. Your muscles and general meatiness meant that you had a curvy body which betrayed how seriously you took yourself. Your boobs were objectively huge which made you feel fat. Your large bust in tandem with your wide shoulders and back made you feel like you were going to hulk out of lithely cut women’s clothes. You didn't shop frequently, opting instead to wear t-shirts that swamped you in their width. You had a bit of a belly from your enjoyment of craft beer but generally, you were in good shape and attractive. You'd never admit this to anyone, but you saw the way people looked you up and down in bars.

Self-consciousness flooded your brain as you stared at the man sitting next to you. What did he mean?

“Oh, haha, no thanks.” You replied tentatively.

“Don't be shy,” he said, wrapping his long arm around your shoulders. You could smell minty alcohol radiating from the back of his throat.

“Haha. No, I'm good. Gotta meet my friend.” You said attempting to shrink from his grip.

His hand tightened and tensed on your left shoulder. He leaned his face into your right ear.

“Come on, don't be a bitch.” He cooed, his hot breath making you shiver in his arms.

All the color drained from your face and your heart sank. “Fuck,” you thought to yourself as your brain scrambled for ideas on how to escape.

His friend across the aisle laughed as he pulled you in closer to his body. He discreetly placed a soft kiss on the base of your neck.

“I know you want it.” He whispered. “My buddy and I will show you a good time.” You felt his fingers drift to your inner thigh as he squeezed lightly.

You froze from shock. Your brain descended into a panic as fear wracked your body. You couldn’t move.

Suddenly, the man next to you was yanked into the air and thrown to the floor of the train, his body making a loud thud as he skidded to a stop across the linoleum. The train bounced as your gaze trailed up the strong legs of the man now standing in front of you. It was the masked blonde man from your earlier fantasy. Your shocked expression caught his gaze. There was a silent rage behind his eyes. You didn't know how he crossed the train so quickly to launch your harasser out of his seat, especially in steel-toed boots, but you were grateful for it. The redheaded punk was still asleep, head resting on the wall.

The harasser’s friend, the man sitting across the aisle from you started to yell. He tried to get up in the face of the masked man but was violently shot backward with a swift roundhouse kick. The harasser got up off the floor while the masked man used his inertia to quickly pivot his feet and turn to face the incoming attack. He caught the harasser’s fist with his large left hand and parried with a swift punch straight to the guy’s jaw. You heard the crack of bone when his fist hit the man’s face. The harasser was once again, propelled to the ground, blood spraying from the side of his mouth. You gasped and covered your mouth with your hand in shock. You’d never seen a real fight before.

At that moment, the train car doors opened, and, seeing the chaotic scene, the people on the platform yelled in horror and diverted to other cars. You noticed the redheaded punk was now awake and smirking at his friend’s handiwork, his large arms crossed over his chest. The masked man paused, breathed out calmly, and turned to face you. You held your breath. His right fist was covered in blood, so after a thoughtful pause, he extended his left hand out towards you.

“You okay?” He asked. His voice was steady and reassuring, his large hand extended towards you, palm facing upwards.

“Um. Yes. I’m alright.” You stuttered, still in shock. You looked the man in the eye. The rage from earlier was gone and all that remained was tentative concern. He seemed worried that you would spook at any moment, like a wild rabbit caught against a fence.

Sensing no malice in his gaze, you gingerly placed your hand in his. It was calloused but warm and reassuring. He clasped your palm and helped you to your feet with surprising gentleness.

“Well I doubt we have much time after that performance” the redheaded punk spat from down the car, standing from his seat. His booming voice filled with deadpan amusement shocked you out of your daze. You looked around, people were whispering and looking at you through the train’s windows. You saw the station cop start to hustle down the platform towards your train car, “Hey! You three!” He yelled as he picked up his pace. “I've got an assault on a train down here” the cop barked into a walkie-talkie on his right shoulder.

The masked man put his hand on your right shoulder and looked at you, “Sorry, about this, but we gotta get moving.” In one swift motion, you were gracefully floated from the ground. The masked man draped your body over his left shoulder like it weighed nothing and held your legs snug to his chest. The redhead laughed raucously as they dashed out of the train car with you in tow. The masked man and the redhead ran side by side as they picked up speed, busting through the emergency exit door and darting up the station’s long walkway to the street. The yells of the station cop echoed into nothing as you emerged up, into the cold night air. The two men didn’t stop running until they reached an alley two blocks away. The masked man lowered you gently to your feet and they both hunched over to catch their breath.

“Kil, I’ve never seen you manhandle a chick like that” the redhead howled.

You tensed.

“Kid, you heard the cop, she was gonna get detained. I had to get her outta there.”

“How fucking gallant of you, asshole. What are we gonna do now? That wasn’t our stop.” The redheaded man finally caught his breath and stood up to his full height. He was huge, even taller than you’d originally thought. The masked man was broad and taller than you but the redhead had to be at least 6’5.

“Um excuse me. I’m here too.” You said looking from one to the other. On hearing this, they both turned and looked at you.

The redhead furrowed his brow at you, “Yeah, we know. You got us into this mess.”

Your jaw fell open. “How is this MY fault you’re the ones who basically kidnapped me!” You said incredulously.

“Yeah, if my buddy hadn’t saved your ass you’d be in a holding cell all night being questioned by Paul Blart.” The redhead shot back, his intense golden eyes boring into yours.

“Kid, knock it off. You know it’s not her fault.” The masked man waved dismissively at the redhead. “My name is Kil. Sorry for escalating things. Just thought you needed a hand.” The masked man reached his hand back out to you.

You took his hand and shook it lightly. “No, I appreciate it. Thank you.”

Kil shot a thumb at the redhead, “This ray of sunshine is Kid.”

Kid crossed his arms over his chest and averted his eyes from yours. “Pleasure.” He mumbled.

“He's not that bad when you get to know him,” Kil added. “We’re in a band and are meeting up with our mates for a show later.”

“Oh that’s cool,” you said, “what kind of band?”

“Punk, genius” Kid tsked and gestured towards his outfit with his metallic forearm.

“I didn’t ask you, ginger” you snapped back. Out of the corner of your eye, you thought you saw Kid’s lips shoot up into a reluctant smirk.

“Like Kid said, we’re a punk band. You’re welcome to come to the show if you’re interested, but I’m not exactly sure how we’re getting to the venue anymore.” Kil answered.

All of the commotion had made you completely forget about your own plans. “Shit!” You yelped and dug for your phone in your purse. The screen lit up and you find a text from your friend. “Hey I’m so so sorry but Lulu is coming down with something from daycare. I don’t think I’m gonna make it out tonight. Rain check?” You frowned at your phone. You’d wanted to see your friend tonight but hoped her daughter would feel better.

“So are you coming or what?”

You looked up. Kid was staring down at you, eyeing the message you’d pulled up on your phone. He had an expression in his piercing, golden eyes that you couldn’t read.

You paused to think. You didn’t know these guys, but despite their gruff exteriors, you felt decently comfortable with them.

Maybe it was because you’d already done your hair and makeup, maybe it was because you were still full of adrenaline, maybe it was because you thought of yourself as more rebellious than you actually were, or maybe it was because looking at either one of the men made your insides twist into knots, but for whatever reason you cracked a wry smile and replied,

“Yeah, let’s do this.”

[virgo-mess]

Silver Thread Chapter 8 Part 1

Hello all, I've nearly fully recovered from the flu and bronchitis ailment I was subject to save for a little congestion and a cough, I'm feeling much better! I'm sorry this took me so long to get out to you and that I'm splitting it into 2 parts. It's just what feels right for the pacing atm so forgive me for that abrupt cut off this part is already 12,288 words so we would've probably ended up in 20,000-word territory for 1 post and that's a little excessive, I should have part 2 done and dusted in the next few days!

If all goes as intended Chapter 9 may be the last official chapter for Silver Thread, with a small epilogue instead of a full chapter 10 since we be heading right into Silver Bells after I get this completed. I'm planning on only five or six chapters for Silver Bells and a decently sized epilogue with lots of fun adorable snippets of Veda and Terry in the years following Silver Bells! And then that might be it for the Silver Thread verse for a while, I don't fully foresee the events of Cobra Kai happening in this universe because of the Kreese side of things. But if they were to come to frustration, I feel like Veda will just be at a point where she's keen to be blissfully unaware and totally uninterested in whatever it is Terry and Daniel are arguing about now. At least until Terry gets arrested.....With all that being said I'm still aiming to upload all the chapters for Siver Bells on one day sometime before the end of the month, fingers crossed!

Trigger Warning for part 1: Fluff, romance, me living out travel fantasies through characters, Mild smut, consensual oral female receiving, consensual fingering, Terry and Veda have a lot of cute moments, Implications of Terry breaking into houses to torment Chad and Tommy off screen, Terry also beats Chad severely off screen, Terry destroys Chad and Tommy's property off screen and that's about it for this part!

Veda’s Pov

Veda went through the rest of the aquarium with Terry feeling a lot more relaxed. Terry kept his arms wrapped around her the entire time showering her with sweet words of affirmation and adoration as they looked at all the things the ocean had to offer. Anytime her mind tried to get away from her Terry was there to pull her back to earth and by the time they wandered back towards the boardwalk to get to the car, most of Veda’s fear of impending doom had dwindled. She believed Terry when he said he’d protect her because he already made her feel so safe whenever they were together. He was being especially attentive with her now that the weather had turned out to be hotter than initially forecasted, at around 1:30 LA county issued a heat advisory warning. Veda felt much better now but Terry insisted on making several stops for refreshments inside restaurants and on standing outside the restroom every time she needed to go. Veda didn’t mind as there were still fleeting moments when she would get startled by loud noises or felt like she was being watched. She knew she wouldn’t feel comfortable being alone for a long time and she was happy she didn’t have to express this to Terry, he just knew and was handling her discomfort with so much tender care she couldn’t help but love him more.

They spent part of the drive back to Terry’s house having one of their silent conversations, shared looks of contentment and soft smiles, with the soft sounds of Songbird by Fleetwood Mac lulling on the radio. Veda pulled her hair out of its confines and laid her head on Terry’s thigh, looking into his blue eyes she couldn’t help but feel the song reflected the self-sacrificial and reciprocal nature of their relationship. Veda couldn’t help the way she sang along while Terry stroked her hair in the same soothing motions that he always did, taking his eyes off the road every so often to mouth them back to her with a content smile on his face. Making the song another extension of their devotion to each other, it was theirs and there was nothing Dutch or Tommy or Chad could do to taint it.

“I love you” Veda breathed out as the song died down, gazing up at him with her heart full of pure unadulterated love and adoration, she brought the hand stroking her hair to her lips peppering it with kisses as she maintained his gaze with drowsy but content eyes. Terry smiled at her softly bringing her small hand to his lips to return the gesture, Veda didn’t miss the stray tear rolling down his left cheek and moved to wipe it away quickly. Terry gave her hand one last kiss and a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s a happy tear, you have a beautiful singing voice, baby girl. Thank you for sharing it with me, I’d love to hear it more often if you’d let me. I love you so much sweetheart, you can go to sleep. You’re safe now” he cooed, as he resumed the comforting passes through her hair, Veda relaxed giving him a dreamy smile as she felt he heart flutter the way it only ever did for him, she knew that she’d always be safe as long as Terry was here. Veda slowly drifted off to sleep feeling completely serene and deeply loved.

For you there'll be no more crying

For you the Sun will be shining

And I feel that when I'm with you

It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world

To you, I'll never be cold

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you

It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds are singing

Like they know the score

And I love you, I love you, I love you

Like never before

And I wish you all the love in the world

But most of all, I wish it from myself

And the songbirds keep singing

Like they know the score

And I love you, I love you, I love you

Like never before

Like never before

Like never before

Veda stirred a while later to the feeling of Terry gently trying to shift her into his arms, hovering over her from where he stood outside the passenger door. Veda let out a breathy half yawn and sigh combo as she looked up at him with a dreamy smile and groggy eyes. Terry gave her a soft smile in return caressing her bruised cheek with his fingers gingerly as he placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

“I’m sorry baby girl, I didn’t mean to wake you” he said in a soft sincere tone, Veda wrapped her arms around his neck letting him pull her into a sitting position. Veda beamed at him placing a sweet peck on the lips as she looked deeply into his eyes for a long moment. Remembering the moment, they had just before she drifted off to sleep in his lap and how perfect it was.

“That’s alright, I love seeing your face when I wake up, Romeo” she cooed tiredly, scooting to the edge of the car seat, she wanted nothing more than to be pressed against him right now. Terry chuckled softly sensing what she wanted, he eagerly guided her to wrap her legs around his waist and lifted her out of the car with ease. Terry peppered her cheek with adoring kisses before wrapping an arm around her back and placing his other just under her butt to keep her in place while he walked toward the house. Veda let out a happy giggle and nuzzled her face into the side of his neck breathing in the warm woodsy scent of his cologne, Terry knew it was her favorite and sometimes sprayed her pillow with it if he knew he couldn’t spend the night. She had come to find it so comforting; the way it engulfed her mind, body, and soul like a warm earthy blanket swaddling her like a protective shield. Terry rubbed comforting circles on her back and placed a few more kisses in her hair as he stepped into the entry way. Veda giggled into his neck planting a few kisses of her own.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Silver. I wasn’t expecting you back so soon but I’m assuming the heat got the best of us, huh. Would you like me to prepare some refreshments for you by the pool or is the little one in need of a rest?” came a warm male voice from the entry way, Veda couldn’t pinpoint his accent, but she felt him stroke one of her shoulders with the back of his knuckle affectionately. Veda felt her cheeks flush bashfully at another one of Terry’s employees using Larry’s affectionate nickname for her, all of his staff seemed keen on showing her just as much warm motherly and fatherly tenderness as they showed Terry. Treating her like she was already a part of their unconventional little family made her heart sing. Veda loosened her legs from around Terry’s waist, planting a few more sweet kisses on his neck before withdrawing her face to look at him, asking him a silent question. Terry chuckled giving her a playful pout as he removed the arm he had placed under her butt, using the arm around her back to gently lower her to the ground. Veda beamed at him again and eagerly held his hand feeling her excitement bubble at the fact she was finally seeing the house. Terry chuckled gently turning her to face the man that greeted them at the door, a kind looking older man with short hair black hair and a warm smile. In her excitement Veda tackled him in a bear hug without thinking about it and felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. The man chuckled softly under his breath as he returned her hug and flashed her a reassuring smile when she pulled away timidly.

“Thank you for that warm greeting little one, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you everyone here says great things about you they simply adore you and I understand why. You are quite right Mr. Silver she is a darling and so beautiful, excellent choice, sir.” He said warmly, Terry beamed with pride as he wrapped both of his arms around Veda’s waist and pulled her into his chest.

“Veda, this is Milos, like Margaret he takes care of my every need and absurd demand without hesitation and while you’re staying here, he’ll be taking care of yours too.”  Terry said with a warm smile.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Mr. Milos” Veda said sweetly, flashing him a big grin, she had a feeling they’d be great friends. Milos returned it but Veda didn’t miss the way his eyes trained on her bruised cheek, seeming to just register what it was. Terry let go of her briefly, walking over to Milos to have a hushed conversation; Veda tuned them out and took the opportunity to admire some of the textile bricks in the short entry way of the Ennis house not wanting to think about anything that happened during her heat exhaustion or before their trip to the aquarium. None of it really mattered now that she was here with Terry anyway, the odds of Dutch and Tommy finding her here were slim to none. She was, however, dreading any trips she’d have to make back to her apartment or the evening hours she would have to spend on campus without Terry. She wouldn’t put it past either Dutch or Tommy to track her down there, the campus security wasn’t the best in the world, Cal Tech was a smaller school after all, and Dutch and Tommy blended in well with their school demographic.

“Milos would you mind fetching her bags and taking the car and inform Howard we will be having friends joining us for dinner this evening. While I give my sweet girl a long overdue tour of the house” Terry walked back over to her with a warm smile, as he wrapped his arms back around her and placed a comforting kiss on her cheek sensing her tension. Veda relaxed into his arms and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Of course, Mr. Silver “Milos said, giving her a courteous bow and another warm smile. Veda blushed again giving him a shy smile in return, she still wasn’t used to formal greetings and part of her felt like she probably never would.

“Mr. Milos, you don’t have to bow to me it’s really alright” she said timidly, stroking the backs of Terry’s hands with her thumbs feeling him kiss her shoulder tenderly and tighten his grip around her waist a bit. Milos chuckled softly under his breath throwing her a soft fond smile.

“Nonsense, little one, every lady deserves a gentlemanly greeting, and you may call me Milos. I hope you enjoy your tour of the house.” Milos said with another courteous bow before disappearing out the front door. Veda glanced up at Terry with an eager smile on her face practically bouncing with excitement at this point, Terry flashed her an amused sort of smile as he wordlessly directed her up the entryway staircase keeping an arm firmly wrapped around her waist as they ascended the stairs. Veda let out a soft gasp as they entered the large living room, the late afternoon sunlight was streaming through the large windows engulfing the room in a warm gold embrace with the Los Angeles skyline glittering behind them.

“You like it” Terry said, Veda detected a hint of hopefulness in his voice as he looked down at her trying to read her mind. Veda gave him a bright reassuring smile as she wrapped her arms around his torso.

“I love it Terry, you have a beautiful home, but you already know that don’t you, Romeo” Veda said in a cheery tone standing on her tip toes to capture him in a sweet kiss. Terry beamed at her lovingly, resting his forehead against hers as he brought a hand up to stroke her cheek.

“I’m glad you love it, baby girl because I have an idea to run by you” he said, still sounding hopeful as he looked deeply into her eyes. Veda gave him a reassuring smile as she looked up at him, trying to pinpoint what he might be proposing to her this time. She nodded her head in acknowledgment silently urging for him to continue, trailing one of her hands up his back to toy with the ends of his hair softly.

“I would very much like for this to be your home too, I know you like your independence, sweetheart, but after what happened this afternoon, I don’t feel comfortable with you living in that neighborhood or apartment alone. At least if you’re here I know there will always be someone looking out for you if I’m not available for some reason…” he trailed, stroking her bruised cheek with his thumb, and placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. Veda stiffened slightly letting out a shaky breath, as she thought about Dutch and Tommy, planning what she can only assume is her impending demise. Veda didn’t really have to think about it, she found it cute Terry was so worried about asking her this when she was wearing the promise ring he gave her, it glittered quite beautifully in the summer sun streaming in through the large windows. Moving in didn’t mean she had to get married and start a family right away, this was the modern era, she could still maintain some of her independence, finish school and have a career. Moving in would help ease both of their anxieties surrounding the whole situation.

“I don’t mind moving in at all, Terry. I don’t feel comfortable living there alone now either, but my lease doesn’t end until February and they’ll make me pay for the rest of the year up front and an extra penalty fee if I break it without giving them 30 days’ notice…” Veda trailed, part of wanting some independence steamed from her not wanting to use Terry’s money even if he was shoving it into her hands. She was more afraid of what would happen if she and Terry were to end up like her parents, she knew Terry wouldn’t leave her without a dime to her name but the prospect of being a struggling single mother was still terrifying. Terry shushed her, pulling her in for a brief kiss before giving her a reassuring smile.

“You don’t have to worry about that, baby girl. I’ve got friends everywhere, getting you out of your lease shouldn’t be too difficult, I’ll take care of it. Now, let’s get you familiar with the rest of our home, my angel. I want you to feel right at home as soon as possible” he said cheerily, as he eagerly tugged her to follow him. Veda gave him a rosy smile feeling her heart flutter at him using the word, our, she knew she’d have no problem feeling right at home because to her home was wherever he was, and she didn’t want it any other way.

Terry spent the rest of June working everything out with her landlord, Terry obviously had no problem buying her out of it if she had wanted to, but Veda thought doing things the right way would be better. Because at least then she’d have a clear record in case she needed to rent again in the future. Getting out of her lease the right way involved her heading to the police station to get a temporary restraining order in place, with Terry by her side they granted it quite quickly. However, they were only able to grant her one against Chad Johnson since he had been the one that actually assaulted her that afternoon at the pier, her bruise was bad enough and Terry was able to get the paramedic to attest to the fact she was in emotional distress when he treated her. She couldn’t get one granted against Dutch without them having to open an investigation and look at her hospital records from months prior because she had no evidence of Dutch contacting her since then. Without that they couldn’t determine if what Tommy said was actually a threat to her life. Veda was still afraid, she sometimes woke up from nightmares in the middle of the night, but she was less worried about it now that she had been basically living with Terry since that day at the pier.

Exam week marked the end of June and Veda’s summer classes, the restraining order had successfully terminated her lease agreement and a lot of Veda’s belongings had already found a place in the Ennis House. She was surprised Terry insisted on keeping her cheap décor and kitchen ware, Howard looked at him like he was insane when Terry told him to use Lucille’s hand painted Italian ceramics for serving, he wasn’t a fan of the colorful fish designs taking away from his masterful plating skills. Terry was making all the stops to make Veda feel like the Ennis house was just as much her home as it was his, he even encouraged her to redecorate his bedroom with him so it looked like something they both would like.

 They made a few trips up to Beverly Hills and West Hollywood to look for décor at some of the high-end furniture stores, though Veda was vaguely aware Terry was just trying to keep her mind off whatever he was doing to take care of her Dutch problem. She thought it better not to question anything, but she knew Margaret, Milos, and even Larry were working overtime to feed him information or to keep her occupied when he slipped out of the house. Terry would never be gone more than an hour when that happened, it was still hard for them to be a part for too long, living together only strengthened their relationship and their attachment to each other. Everyone at the office started calling them Terra like they were one solitary unit instead of two separate individuals. They still hardly everargued about anything, they never strayed from their playful teasing and flirting dynamic. Margaret often found them chasing each other down the central loggia, pouncing on each other in the pool, or having one of their tickle fights on one of the sofas. In a lot of ways, it felt like they were living in their own little bubble, set apart from the rest of the world in what Veda could only describe as their own little personal paradise.

🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆

July-

July started with Veda getting notice she aced all of her exams which gave her a great head start to her freshman year. Terry set up an intimate candlelit dinner on the bedroom terrace to celebrate and even made her mom’s chicken cacciatore with homemade pasta and, he plated everything beautifully in her mom’s Italian ceramics. Veda kissed and praised him the entire night feeling especially lovestruck that the first meal he ever cooked for her proved how well he knew her and how much he truly loved her. Veda ended up snapping two polaroid pictures of the whole thing, one to give Lucille so she could see what an amazing job he did and one so she could cherish the memory forever. Terry was of course spurred by her reaction and promised to cook for her more since it made her so unbelievably happy. They ended that night in the bath giving each other a number of orgasms, Veda was grateful the master bedroom was a great distance away from the chauffer’s quarters that were separate from the main house because Terry had her shrieking in ecstasy most of the night.

Veda stirred the morning of July 3rd with her head resting on Terry’s chest. To the feel of him running his long fingers through her thick hair, the same way she’d been waking up and falling asleep since she moved in. Veda let out a content sigh, slowly fluttering her eyes open to see Terry already staring at her with one of his groggy content smiles plastered across his face. His dark curls were fanned out across his silk pillows and Veda couldn’t think of a more beautiful thing to wake up to as she reached up to run her fingers through the ends of his hair and run a thumb down his cheek. Terry let out a content sigh at the action as he bowed down to place a tender kiss on her forehead and then one on her nose. Veda giggled scrunching her nose up just for him loving the adoring smile he gave her in return.

“Good morning, my beautiful girl” he cooed, still running his hands through her messy black waves gently as he stared lovingly into her eyes. Veda swore she felt her heart actually melt as she beamed back at him capturing him in a brief sweet kiss. Terry smiled back at her happily before moving to sit up against the headboard and positioning her to sit across his lap so he could nuzzle his face into her neck. Both of them sat for a moment listening to the birds chirping as they stroked each other’s hair affectionately.

“Good morning, my love” Veda cooed in his ear as she placed a kiss on his shoulder, Terry placed a long kiss on her collarbone before leaning back against the headboard. Looking at her with the same smile plastered across his face and adoration swirling in his blue eyes. Veda loved the way the morning sun streaming in through the windows made his eyes sparkle for her.

“Okay, my sweet girl, how would you like to do things today. Should we have breakfast or brunch, we have an hour and a half drive to Santa Barbara and dinner reservations at the resort are at 6” he crooned, caressing her cheek with a thumb gently even though the bruise she had there had finally healed up a few days prior. Veda smiled at him reassuringly, the spot didn’t hurt anymore but she knew Terry knew she was having bad dreams about the event on a few nights though she did her best to hide it.

“Let’s do brunch, I’m not that hungry right now and I’ve got to finish packing a few things” she said still toying with his dark curls as she smiled at him, Terry nodded giving her another kiss on the forehead.

“Alright, baby girl, you finish packing while I got get us some coffee from Milos then I’ll start the shower and we can get going, okay” Terry cooed, lifting her out of the bed with him before setting her gently on her feet. Veda nodded excitedly, giving him a quick peck on the lips she watched him turn off all the Christmas lights he had strung up for her before heading towards the closet and searching for her duffle bag in one of the boxes they hadn’t unpacked yet.

 She had put off packing because she was nervous about taking a step further into Terry’s upper-class world, well two steps because when they got back from this trip on Sunday, they’d be heading to her first gala later that evening. Everything just felt a little overwhelming because she and Terry had been living out most of their relationship in a secure little bubble, forgetting about the rest of the world and their opinions. Terry had been dwelling in her safe space for some time now, but Veda couldn’t help but think they weren’t the same thing. Simply because Terry had dwelled in her world before, living among regular people for a set period of time when he was in Vietnam, he had even maintained friendships with some of his regular joe war buddies.

She understood why of course, you can easily latch onto people who have been through the same things as you have because there’s an overarching sense of fellow feeling between you. Veda and Terry had that affinity for each other, they both went through difficult things and were hurt by other people. They found their common ground in his car on her 19th birthday right before they confessed their love to the other. Veda had only ever treaded lightly in Terry’s world, the closest she ever got to it was having dinner at the country club in Encino with Dutch and look where that got her. That was why she was so hesitant to give a guy with Terry’s status a chance and although she trusted Terry and his judgement now, she couldn’t help but be afraid of the judgements people in his world made about her. Yet another way Dutch had ruined her sense of self-worth,

Veda fumbled through the closet pulling numerous pieces of clothing off the racks and shelves without packing them. Everything seemed like the wrong choice no matter what the price tag attached to it said, she thought his friends would see right through her charade and badger Terry to come to his senses. Even with all Terry’s efforts to make her feel like she fit into his life she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t. She could faintly hear Terry venture back into the bedroom and turn the water on in the bathroom, Veda let out a frustrated sigh at her still mostly empty bag save for a selection of undergarments, swimsuits, and pajama sets, but she obviously couldn’t walk around a five-star resort in Santa Barbara wearing those. Packing for a three- and half-day trip shouldn’t be this hard, but she suspected a lot of her anxiety was also about the gala they were supposed to attend when they got back on Sunday. Having her first small step and her first big step into Terry’s world lined up back-to-back had her wanting to pull her hair out from the stress alone.

“Are you ready baby” Terry said, playfully wiggling his eyebrows at her as he leaned against the doorframe of the closet in only his boxers, Veda giggled blushing slightly as she gazed over at him nibbling on her lip nervously.

“No, I don’t know what to wear or pack. I want to meet your friends but I’m really nervous about them and the gala” she admitted sheepishly, as she pointed to the heap of clothes she had pulled from the shelves and off hangers. Terry’s eyes softened walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her in a comforting embrace and peppering her face with reassuring kisses.

“It’s okay, baby girl, don’t worry. I will be with you the whole time and if anyone of them says anything out of line I will put them in place, huh. I told you about Ian and his girlfriend Gwen and about Simon and his girlfriend Anna, sweetheart. Ian, Gwen, and Anna are nice, but Simon is a bit stuffy just pay him no mind. Do you remember what I told you yesterday” Terry said, tenderly stroking her cheek with his thumb as he looked at her with sincere eyes.  Veda sighed nodding her head in acknowledgement pointing between their promise rings.

“No one can convince you not to be with me and if anyone at the gala gives me trouble you, Margaret, or Larry will take them out for me” Veda giggled softly, Terry nodded letting out a pleased rumble as he pulled her into a passionate kiss that left her weak in the knees and breathless.

“Yes, you’re my one and only, Veda. Okay, would you like me to help you pick out some things? I want you to feel as comfortable as possible, baby girl. There’s no one on our trip you have to impress, and you look beautiful in everything anyway, I only pick the best remember” he cooed, peppering her face with reassuring kisses and running his hands in soothing patterns up her arms. Veda relaxed into him feeling a bit more at ease as he helped her go through the pile of clothes settling on some floral sun dresses, dinner dresses, and a few short sets just so she had options. Veda let out a relieved sounding sigh as she picked an outfit to wear after the shower, a simple white mini dress with a blue floral pattern and blue Jimmy Choo wedges.

“That’s perfect, sweetheart and we can match, see.” Terry said holding up one of his white button ups and navy-blue shorts with a big grin plastered across his ever handsome face.

“You’re going to do just fine and we’re going to have fun. Let’s go get cleaned up and relax a bit, hmm” Terry cooed giving her another tender kiss on the temple, Veda nodded with a bashful smile on her face as he led her to the master bathroom. Terry gave her one of his giddy grins, Veda giggled raising her arms up for him, helping her get undressed was one of his favorite things these days and she was keen to let him do it as much as he wanted because she loved the way he looked at her like she was a piece of art in a museum. Terry gently tugged her top over her head giving her a playful kiss on the nose before slipping her shorts and panties off swiftly. Veda gave him another bashful looking smile as she returned the favor, gently sliding his boxers down his waist but never breaking eye contact. Terry cradled her face in his large hands for a moment before giving her a tender peck on the lips.

“Do you want me to wash your hair today, baby girl” he crooned with a soft smile tugging on his lips, Veda felt her heart flutter as she looked up at him rosy cheeks, she just loved the feel of his hands in her hair no matter what they were doing, and Terry seemed to really love cleaning her up during their showers.

“Yes, please” she said softly, wrapping her arms around his neck, Terry made a pleased sound before pulling her into the hot steamy water with him. Terry gave her one last kiss on the forehead before lathering her up in her favorite soaps with a warm cloth, Veda let out a content sigh melting into his tender motions. Terry chuckled under his breath as he scooped some of her favorite sugar scrub into his hands, gently rubbing the scrub all over her body as he gazed into her eyes. Veda gave him a dreamy sort of smile; she was keen to let him do this as long as he wanted to, and he knew that. Terry chuckled again giving her a playful kiss on the nose as he helped her rinse the scrubs and soaps off.

“Alright, baby girl, tilt your head back for me. Good girl” he cooed as she immediately threw her head back into the stream of water flowing from the gold shower head for a moment. Terry ran his hands through her thick hair a few times before gently guiding her head into an upright position. He lathered her hair up with some of his sweet-smelling shampoo, Veda repressed a giggle because he made it a point to use it on her all the time now, after she said it smelled nice passively one time in a totally obscure conversation. Terry guided her to tilt her head back again as he tenderly rinsed all the suds out of her hair, he added a drop of conditioner to sit for a few minutes while he cleaned himself up. Veda swatted his hands away from the warm cloth as she switched places with him.

“Alright, your turn Romeo” Veda said, grabbing another warm cloth she pumped some of his favorite soap onto it and reached up to run it down his broad shoulders and his muscled torso and arms. Terry flashed her a bashful smile but made no move to stop her as she proceeded to clean him up, taking her time as she moved around him to clean every spot she could reach.

“I can’t reach your hair up there, Mr. Silver” she chided playfully, Terry chuckled flashing her a mischievous sort of grin before scooping her up off the shower floor. Veda let out a surprised squeal and a fit of giggles as she clamped her legs around him tightly, Terry steadied her by gripping her ass firmly and wrapping his other arm around her back tightly. Veda gave him a playful scowl.

“You could’ve just bent down, silly” she giggled, wetting his hair under the gold shower head before leaning down to pump some of the shampoo into her hands. Terry chuckled with an amused grin plastered across his face.

“Now where’s the fun in that, baby girl, I’m combining a lot my favorite things. I get to look at you and hold you all while having you wet, naked and pressed against me. You’re spoiling me doll and it’s not even my birthday” he said teasingly, giving her ass cheek a gentle squeeze as he stared back at her with a hungry glint his eyes. Veda rolled her eyes, her cheeks flaring a brighter shade of red as she felt her clit throb eagerly at the action. She ignored her arousal as she started lathering his wet hair up gingerly, she tensed up a bit as she felt his hard cock brush against her thigh. Terry cooed a string of sweet nothings in her ear, caressing her back where his hand was still holding her against him.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, remember you’re always in control” he crooned reassuringly, as he tilted his head further into the water so she could rinse all the suds out. Veda dragged a finger along his cheek affectionately, feeling her heart swell in adoration as she tilted his back towards her.

“I know, Terry, I trust you completely it’s just a reflex and I’m sorry it happens, but I promise it’s not because of you. Do you want conditioner, my love?” she asked sweetly, Terry shook his head, leaning up to pepper her face in tender kisses before setting her gently back on the ground to quick rinse out her hair. When he finished, he wrapped her in a tight warm embrace, almost like he was trying to pry the reflex out of her, she really wished he could but they both knew it wouldn’t subside until Dutch was finally off the horizon.

“Veda, I know you’re not doing it on purpose sweetheart, and it isn’t your fault it happens, so you don’t need to be sorry. I promise it doesn’t bother me when it does because I love taking care of you, I love you always, okay” he whispered reassuringly in her ear, stroking her bare back with his long fingers and kissing her head more times than she could count before turning off the water. Veda beamed at him dreamily feeling like her heart might burst with how happy he made her, she let him lift her out of the shower and wrap her up in one of his big plush towels. Staring up at him as she silently made her decision, this trip would mark the solidification of their relationship and devotion for each other. Veda couldn’t remember ever being this sure about anything in her life, but she was sure about her feelings for Terry, and she was sure about his feelings for her.

“I love you too” she cooed back at him.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

They got dressed and finished their morning coffee before finally heading out for Santa Barbara around 10:30. They spent the whole drive laughing and talking about everything and nothing, all they really cared about was seeing the other smile. Veda even sang along to a few songs just to see Terry beam at her adoringly as he traced patterns on her thigh. They stopped for a quick brunch before nearing the San Ysidro Ranch around 1:30 in the afternoon. Veda gasped as she took in the sprawling greenery dotted with olive trees and French lavender swaying in the warm summer breeze against the lush foothills of Montecito.

“See, baby you fit right in my gorgeous little nymph” Terry crooned pointing to the outfit he helped her pick out this morning, now she knew why he kept gravitating to her floral pieces. Veda giggled placing a few kisses on the back of his hand as he pulled up to the reception cottage to check them in. Terry let Veda wander around the garden for a minute, watching her wander around in one of her child like wonder fixations, with an adoring smile on his face.

“Smile, sweetheart” he said holding up her polaroid camera, Veda blushed wondering where he had it stashed away, she misplaced it after snapping a picture of the Chicken Cacciatore he made for her, Lucille made sure to call and shower him with warm motherly praise after she got it. Veda giggled giving him a coy smile as she stopped to pose for him in front of one of the big rose bushes. Terry beamed at her as he raised the camera to his eye and snapped two polaroids of her, he shook them for a few seconds as he walked over to show her the end results with an adoring grin on his face. Veda blushed wrapping her arms around his torso as she looked down at them with a bashful smile on her face.

“They look good, Romeo, good work” she cooed, letting her cheek rest against his chest as she stared up at him with loving eyes, Terry placed a small kiss on the tip of her nose still beaming down at her as his blue eyes glittered in the warm summer sun.

“I didn’t do that much, my sweet girl, you’re just that gorgeous the camera loves you. We really have to start taking more pictures together though. To immortalize all our time together because I never want to forget anything and we’ll have photo albums to show our children someday” Terry said in a cheery tone, Veda gave him a shy smile at the mention of their future hypothetical children. They still hadn’t really talked about that possibility since she started the pill. Veda’s curiosity was piqued on the subject as they strolled into the reception cottage with her arms still wrapped firmly around his torso. Veda didn’t listen to much of Terry’s conversation with the receptionist as she stared up at him for a long while, Terry flashed her sweet smiles and placed kisses on her forehead during the pauses in his conversation. She hadn’t really thought about what Terry would look like as a father but seeing how much care and love he showed her on a daily basis had her thinking he’d actually be a great father. This she knew with absolute certainty, there were no doubts or second guessing, there was just the truth, and the truth was Terry would be every bit as much of a doting father to their kids as her own father was to her and Daniel. They say you often fall for people that remind you of your parents in some way and for the first time Veda could see her dad in Terry, maybe that’s why being with him felt like déjà vu, why their love felt like it had transcended time and space a million times over before they even met, and why she felt like they’d been together forever.

Veda was pulled out of her inner epiphany by Terry stroking her cheek gingerly, Veda gave him a dreamy sort of smile as she looked at him in a new way. Terry smiled back at her gently guiding her out of the cottage and back into the warm summer sunlight, she admired how the sunlight seemed to swirl around him as they walked back down the cobblestone steps and through the lush colorful gardens. Veda found herself wishing she could draw the scene unfolding before her in all its beautiful, serene glory, in their own little personal paradise once again, the world around her seemed to fade and the only thing surrounding her was him.

“Just making sure you’re still with me, baby girl, looked like I lost you to a memory” Terry said, his eyes still glittering in the light as he opened the car door for her flashing her one of his charming smiles in an almost carefree manner. And there she saw it again, a quick glimpse in the golden summer light, one of her father’s carefree laughs echoing distantly in the back of her ears like a lullaby. Veda smiled back at Terry swooping in to place a quick peck on his lips, her heart still swelling in a new kind of dreamy rapt as she stared back at him.

“I was just thinking of how you’ll be a great father someday” she said sincerely, Terry gave her an adorable, uncharacteristically shy smile as he gazed back at her with rosy cheeks. His eyes were still glittering like little pools of rippling water as he placed a hand over his heart at the compliment.

“That means so much coming from you, my angel, you’re so sweet. You’ll be an amazing mom, Veda, hopefully to my children.” he breathed out, Veda’s eyes softened as she reached out to stoke his cheek tenderly putting as much sincerity in her next statement as humanly possible.

“Terry, you’re the only person in the world I’d ever even consider having children with. If they’re not ours, I won’t be having them, can’t promise I won’t take someone else’s though” she said teasingly, hopping back into the car so they could drive back to the cottage they’d be staying in. Terry chuckled, relacing his fingers with hers as he restarted the car.

“Adopting is always an option, sometimes hand-picking children can be nice at least you know what you’re getting but I have a feeling our kids would be quite perfect no matter what” he crooned, slowly making his way to the back of the Ranch property. Veda giggled bashfully, peeling her eyes off the gorgeous scenery to look at him.

“Zoe thinks our children will be quite terrifying. How many children were you thinking about having anyway, Mr. Silver” Veda quipped playfully, though she was really quite serious because she didn’t think she could handle birthing more than two children, maybe even three if she was feeling particularly ambitious but difficult pregnancies tended to run in LaRusso bloodline and with her luck, she’d be the worst of them all. Terry gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as he looked at her with soft caring eyes.

“Oh, sweetheart, however many you want to give me of course. Your body and your comfort will always come first even ten years from now, okay. We can talk about it all when we’re closer to that phase which will be way after you graduate from college, preferably USC but if it’s CalTech that’s fine too. You should be enjoying this stage of your life without worrying about kids, sweetheart. I don’t mind waiting for you at all, you know” Terry said flashing her a sincere smile as he turned into the private driveway, Veda hadn’t thought much about USC with everything going on lately, but she was starting to come around to the idea with them living together now. It also helped that USC campus was a lot bigger than the CalTech campus, she had thought of how easy it would be for Dutch to track her down at such a small school. Veda beamed at him leaning over to pepper his face with kisses.

“I know you don’t, you always take great care of me, my love and I really appreciate you being so patient with me. You’re the most amazing boyfriend in the world and I love you so much. Where will we be staying” Veda cooed, accenting each word with a tender kiss, Terry put the car in park before capturing her in a loving kiss.

“I love you more than anything in the world, baby. We’re staying in two bedroom Kennedy Cottage, it’s where John and Jackie Kennedy spent their honeymoon. It’s got all the luxuries, a private hot tub, an outdoor rain shower, a great terrace overlooking Channel Islands, complimentary in room dining for every meal if you want princess, a great oversized claw bathtub and a little extra surprise just for you, sweetheart.” Terry said with a bright smile as his eyes glittered in the afternoon sun, Ved blushed smiling back at him with a newfound excitement at the mention of a surprise.

“Oh, I don’t mind it just being you and me of course but I thought the others would be staying with us. What kind of surprise could you have possibly planned for me and why, Romeo” she said teasingly, Terry chuckled staring at her with loving glittering blue eyes as he toyed with the promise ring on her finger.

“If I tell you, it won’t be a surprise now, will it baby girl. Ian is planning on proposing to Gwen, so he booked the Olive cottage which is right next to ours and I don’t like Simon enough to let him impede on our romantic getaway, baby. Let’s pop in and see your surprise before we meet the others for tea in the garden, my sweet girl” he said eagerly placing a kiss on her forehead, before hopping out of the car and opening her door for her with a gentlemanly bow. Veda giggled gently taking the hand he offered her to step out of the car, she gave him a quick courtesy with a playful smile on her face.

Terry chuckled as he opened the back car door to grab their bags, he lazily threw them over one of his shoulders so they could hold hands as they walked through the private gated entry into the private courtyard garden. Veda was practically bouncing in excitement when the stone cottage came into view looking like it was pulled right out of a fairytale, Terry always took her to the most romantic places imaginable.

“I really love this resort so far, Romeo everything is so pretty here, thank you for bringing me here with you. We have to get someone to take our picture in front of this before we leave, you know, for our photo albums” Veda said coyly batting her lashes at him with a knowing smile on her face, Terry’s whole face lit up just like she expected it would and she felt her heart swell with joy.

“Oh, sweetheart, you know I’d bring you with me everywhere if I could you don’t have to thank me, I’m just happy you agreed to come and escape some of the festivities for the holiday with me. We’re going to take so many pictures this trip, my sweet girl, don’t you worry, in fact I know exactly what picture I’m going to take of you next, come on” he said unlocking the front door, Veda felt her heart rate pick up in excitement wondering what type of surprise Terry had in store for her today as they stood in the doorway of Kennedy cottage. Terry set their bags down by the door and pulled out her polaroid camera as well as a Nikon F3 with a giddy grin plastered on his face.

“Alright, close your eyes for me baby” he crooned, giving her a playful kiss on the nose. Veda giggled as she placed her hands over her eyes for him, she could make out the sound of the door swinging open. Her body was still vibrating in excitement as she felt him gently place his hands on her forearms, guiding her through the front door carefully.

“Okay, just stand here for a second” he whispered placing a kiss on her forehead, she could hear the excitement in his voice as he let go of her forearms and shuffled about the room for a second.

“Alright, baby girl, you can open your eyes now” Terry said eagerly, Veda giggled softly under her breath, she found his excitement just as adorable as he found hers. Veda beamed slowly removing her hands from her eyes and let out a soft gasp as she took in the living area. Completely wonderstruck by all the vases filled with bunches of pink and red roses, lilies, peonies, and bunches of pink and white hydrangeas. She heard Terry snap a few pictures of her awed doe eyed expression from where he was standing by the open patio doors with a look of adoration on his face. Veda beamed at him again with rosy cheeks and a fluttering heart.

“Oh, Terry, this is so beautiful, thank you” Veda breathed out looking at him with adoration of her own as she moved to walk around the vases carefully. Terry met her halfway flashing her a warm adoring smile.

“Wait, you have to see the bedroom and bathroom, baby. They’re both set up of course you can decide which one we sleep in” he said excitedly, gently lacing his fingers with hers to guide her to one of the masters. Veda giggled with a blush spreading across her cheeks as they walked into one of the rooms to see more flower filled vases. The king-sized canopy bed was covered with pink and white rose petals with a bottle of champagne sat next to a plate full of fruit and chocolate covered strawberries. The posts had pretty fairy lights spun around them, Veda felt her heart flutter, after the incident at the pier she couldn’t sleep very well and would wake up screaming and sweating from a few nightmares. The nightmares were less frequent now but she still needed a little light in the room to keep her from being startled by the dancing shadows streaming in through the bedroom windows. Instead of getting a nightlight or leaving the light on in the bathroom, Terry hung a few Christmas lights over the headboard and along the windowsills for her because she had said Christmas was her favorite holiday.

“You spoil me too much, Romeo” Veda said breathlessly, wrapping her arms around his torso in a side hug looking up at him with unadulterated love and devotion in her eyes. Terry’s eyes softened a bit, returning the look in her eyes tenfold and giving her a tender kiss on her healed cheek. They had one of their unspoken moments with rosy cheeks and adoring grins before they ventured into the master bath, the graceful clawfoot bathtub was filled with more flower petals with unlit candles and more vases of lilies, her favorite flowers, surrounding it in a way that also made it look like he pulled it right out of a fairytale just for her.

“Seriously, how are we going to spend anytime with your friends with the room set up like this, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Ian isn’t the only one proposing this weekend” she said pointedly, she couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by it given that this was one of the most romantic cottages on the property. Terry chuckled unwrapping himself from her arms he took a step back to snap another picture of her with the polaroid and then the Nikon before pulling her in for a sweet passionate kiss that had her head spinning. Veda moaned fisting his white button up in her hands in an attempt to pull him closer but the cameras in his hand were getting in the way. Veda grumbled impatiently trying to swat the cameras out of her way, Terry chuckled against her lips before pulling away and silently motioning for her to follow him back into the bedroom. Veda pouted up at him, playfully letting out an exaggerated groan as she rewrapping her arms around his torso and rested her cheek against his back. Terry chuckled again taking careful steps so she wouldn’t fall over him as he walked towards the bed.

“Hold on baby girl, I’m just setting the cameras down so we can play some more before we go meet the others for tea in the garden. I want you to be nice and relaxed” he said teasingly, setting the cameras down on one of the nightstands. Veda bit her lip, loosening her hold on his torso a bit so he could turn around without her having to let him go. Terry chuckled softly, turning around, and cradling her face in his hands as he placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

“So, what’s all this for Romeo…” she trailed looking up at his curiously, Terry flashed her a sweet smile as he stoked her cheeks with his thumbs softly. Veda sigh contently as she leaned into his touch with a dreamy type of smile on her face.

“I hadn’t planned on proposing, I just like making you feel special because of how much I love and cherish you. And to show you how appreciative I am that you’re stepping out of your comfort zone for me, sweetheart. I know you’re nervous about meeting my friends today and about the gala on Sunday when we get back and I just want to remind you how special you are to me. I have a lot of time to make up for, if I had known this type of love was out there for me, that you were out there, sweetheart. I never would have wasted my time on anyone else, I wish you were my first everything, Veda. You will definitely be getting a proposal from me someday and it’ll be ten times more beautiful than this, trust me.” Terry said wholeheartedly, brushing a few of her stray hairs out of her face. Veda’s eyes softened as she smiled up at him coyly, feeling her heart swell with joy at him sweet words. He always knew what to say to ease mind and to make her feel so special, she couldn’t imagine what a proposal from him would actually look like if he considered this and her birthday ordinary surprises.

“You already make me feel so special, Terry, you don’t have anything to make up for, silly. You would’ve been waiting an awful long time unless you had hightailed it to New Jersey two years ago. This is a very beautiful surprise, thank you my love” she cooed leaning up to give him a sweet kiss Terry sighed deepening the kiss as he tangled his fingers in her hair. Veda moaned digging her nails into his back as a warm bubbly arousal spread through her stomach to her clit. Terry made a pleased sounding hum before pulling away to let her breathe as he looked at her with lustful blue eyes.

“Veda, you would’ve been so worth the wait, can I help you relax now, baby girl” He cooed placing soft kisses down her cheek, Veda nodded breathlessly tightening her hold around his torso a bit. “You know I like you to use your words baby” he said teasingly, running his hands down her bare shoulders gently. Veda blushed biting her lip as she looked up at him through her lashes.

“Yes, please help me relax, Terry” she said softly, Terry’s eyes softened the way they always did when she spoke like that to him, he let out another pleased hum before peppering her face with adoring kisses as he walked her backwards towards the bed.

“Lay down, my sweet girl” he cooed, lowering her onto the petal covered duvet gently before reaching to move the fruit platter and champagne bottle onto the nightstand. Veda giggled softly as she watched him grab a piece of fruit off the plate and pop it in his mouth, Terry smiled at her adoringly as he grabbed a second piece.

“Here baby” he whispered holding a piece of cantaloupe to her lips looking deeply into her eyes, he still jumped at the chance to feed her every chance he got. Veda blushed coyly opening her mouth for him with a smitten smile on her face, Terry smiled down at her setting the sweet piece fruit on tongue delicately.

“Thank you, Romeo” she cooed as she finished chewing, Terry smiled leaning down to capture her in a brief heated kiss, running his large hands over her bare shoulders and collarbones, settling them just above her dress as he hovered over her, his glittering blue eyes full of love and lust as he stared at down at her. An idea seemed to spark in his pretty eyes as he moved away from her slightly, sometimes his quick moves away from her still caused her to panic a little. Her hand clasped around his arm reflexively and Terry flashed her a reassuring smile.

“You’re welcome baby girl, I’m not leaving I’m just grabbing this, okay” he said softly, grabbing the polaroid camera off the nightstand, Veda gave him a timid smile as he snapped a picture of her sprawled out form on the plush mattress with her dark waves laced with rose petals.

 “I’m sorry baby girl, you just look so gorgeous spread out for me on top of flower petals. Like a beautiful little garden nymph, I’ll get right to work now” he said playfully, leaning down to place hot open-mouthed kisses across her collarbones and cleavage stopping just above her the neckline of her dress with a teasing glint in his eyes.

“Terry, stop teasing me” she whined, Terry chuckled finally popping one of her ample breasts out of her dress and closing his mouth around her nipple, sucking, and teasing it with his teeth until it was hard and sensitive. Veda let out a breathy moan watching him suckle on her breast through lustful hooded eyes, tangling her fingers in the ends of his hair just the way he liked her to, Terry moaned in approval. Sliding one of his hands up under her dress and unlatching his mouth from her nipple to speak to her.

“Fingers, mouth, or both baby girl” he purred, moving her panties to the side and running a long finger along her slit in a feather like manner.

“Both please” she moaned, spreading her legs for him eagerly, Terry let out another moan of approval as he captured her in another passionate kiss. “Do you want me to move up so you can lay down too” she cooed breathlessly; Terry smiled down at her stroking her cheek affectionately.

“No, that’s okay my sweet girl. You’re the only person I’ll never mind getting on my knees for” he cooed giving her another brief kiss before lowering himself to the floor. Veda gave him a bashful smile as she reached out to hold one of his hands, Terry laced his fingers with hers, giving her a sweet smile and a few soft kisses up her inner thigh. Veda moaned as he let a finger tease her entrance which was already dripping with her arousal. Terry made a pleased sounding hum as he replaced his finger with his tongue, lapping up her juices as he moaned against her heat. Veda whined impatiently, wanting him to close his mouth around her swollen clit and toy with her g-spot already. She felt his warm quick breathes against her folds and knew he was laughing at her as he looked up at her with amused eyes, Veda gave him the biggest pair of puppy dog eyes she could muster as she pouted at him, sitting up slightly to place her free hand on top of his head. He loved getting her needy for him.

“Terry, please” she whined, trying to position his head where she wanted it, Terry pulled his head back still chuckling softly, gently moving her hand towards the end of his ponytail.

“Okay, baby girl, okay” he chuckled, finally dipping a longer finger inside of her tight heat slowly, Veda moaned fluttering around him as he gently stretched her out.

“You have such a tight little pussy don’t you, baby girl” he coaxed adding a second finger as he stared at her with lustful blue eyes. Veda let out another moan, absentmindedly nodding her head in acknowledgement, staring back at him with needy brown doe eyes. Terry smirked at her cocking a teasing eyebrow as he stilled his fingers inside of her, Veda pouted with a furious blush on her cheeks as she remembered his teasing reminder a few minutes ago.

“Yes Terry, I have a tight little pussy…” she said, Terry bit his lip, as he resumed pumping and angling his fingers inside of her at a steady pace but still leaving her clit annoyingly neglected. Veda pouted at him again, tightening the hold she had on his hand sharply, Terry flashed her a teasing smile.

“Yeah, baby girl, such a tight perfect little pussy…” Terry cooed teasingly, Veda narrowed her eyes at him as she tugged impatiently on his ponytail. Terry continued his agonizingly slow pumps with the same teasing grin on his face, she knew he was only doing it because he found her getting needy for him adorable and because he wanted to hear her ask him for it. Veda flashed him one of her impish smiles as she batted her eyelashes at him just the way he liked her to.

“Oh Terry, please make my tight perfect little pussy cum for you” Veda coaxed confidently, Terry groaned maintaining her gaze, he increased the pace of his long fingers were pumping inside of her wet heat.

“That’s my good girl” he mused latching his mouth onto her clit, Veda cried out arching her back and curling her toes as she threw her head back against the cushiony duvet covered in flower petals, against another expression of his love and devotion. Terry moaned against her, eating her out feverishly and giving her hand a squeeze to get her attention in her dazed state of ecstasy.

“I’ve got to see that gorgeous face when you cum for me, my sweet girl” he crooned as he halted his starved laps and sucks on her sensitive bud, Veda forced herself to raise her head off of the bed. “Hold on, baby, here” he cooed letting her hand go for a brief moment to move some of the pillows under her shoulders, Veda gave him a dreamy smile and a kiss on the forehead before leaning back to rest against them, lacing her fingers with his once more. Terry flashed her another adoring smile, he placed a few tender kisses against her folds before resuming his hungry laps and sucks, occasionally pulling his finger out of her heat to let his tongue thrust inside of her. Every action withdrew a mess of depraved moans and cries of his name until Veda came to a mind-boggling orgasm, her whole-body trembling as she entered another Terry induced stage of euphoria. As usual Terry replaced her panties gingerly and smoothed out her dress before pulling her into his arms, stroking her hair as he purred sweet nothings in her ear. Veda let out a sigh of contentment as she nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, inhaling his comforting scent with ragged breaths.

“You’re okay, baby” he cooed, Veda pulled away to look at him with a dazed smile on her face, nodding her head animatedly.

“I’m very relaxed now, Romeo, thank you. Would you like me to return the favor” she cooed, peppering his face with kisses as her hands toyed with the button on his shorts. Terry chuckled, placing a kiss on her shoulder, and popping her breasts back into her dress gingerly.

“Oh, baby girl, this was all about making you feel special and showing my appreciation for you. I love worshipping you, seeing you completely spent for me is reward enough for me, you don’t have to return anything.” Terry said sincerely, Veda gave him a loving kiss on the lips.

“I know that, Terry, I want to show my appreciation for you too. You’ve been so patient with me when it comes to intimacy, I don’t mean to keep you waiting like this I know it’s hard for you and I’m sorry. So, returning the favor is really the least I can do” she said, Terry rested his forehead against her looking at her with a serious expression in his eyes.

“Veda, we’ve talked about this baby, waiting for you isn’t hard for me at all, I told you from the start sex and intimacy are completely your decision all I care about is being with you. When you do decide you’re ready, let me know, you deserve to have a special first time, sweetheart and I’d love to be the one to make it as special as you deserve, okay” Terry said with intense earnestness in his voice, still gazing into her eyes as she sat enfolded in his arms while he stroked her dark hair gently the afternoon sun mirrored them, streaming in through the glass door it danced across the flower petals and duvet encircling them in a golden embrace of warmth. Veda relaxed in his hold, her heart swelling with adoration in the purest form, her brown eyes brimming with blissful tears.

“Okay, I’m almost there, I promise.” She said sincerely because she was almost there, she was so close to letting go of all those formidable defenses she had put up those months ago and trusting Terry with her heart, mind, and body. Terry beamed at her, softly placing a kiss on her lips with so much love and tenderness she felt like she might fly.

“I know you are, sweetheart, I promise I’m not going anywhere regardless of if you’re ready to do that or not, okay. I’m afraid I’ve made us almost twenty minutes late for tea. Are you ready to head over to the garden, my beautiful girl?” he cooed, Veda nodded, letting him pull her to her feet. She laced her fingers with his almost immediately as she smiled up at him with rosy cheeks. Terry smiled back at her, giving her a quick but tender kiss on the forehead he grabbed the Nikon off the nightstand and gently guided her out of the cottage.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Terry’s Pov

Terry couldn’t think of time he ever felt as happy as he had in these last few months with Veda by his side and the thought of anyone wanting to keep this from him, to keep her from him, made him unbelievably angry. His efforts to track down Dutch had not gone in vain, Chad as promised was the first stop on his on his spree. Terry started out slow with calculated minor inconveniences like having Chad’s Chevy Camero towed and impounded, stealing or damaging precious items in his puerile bedroom, cutting off half of his picture-perfect golden locks while he laid passed out on his bedroom floor, and totaling his families Princess 45 in the Marina del Rey harbor. All child’s play for Terry really, getting Chad kicked out of Berkley was the real cherry on top of his expertly crafted ploy to corner Chad in a Pasadena alleyway to pummel and maim him. Terry wanted to make Chad suffer ten times more than he made Veda suffer when she sat helpless and ill on a bench on the hottest day LA had seen this summer.

As Terry had expected, Chad Johnson was a complete and utter coward who only had the gall to assault and hit someone if they were a defenseless young woman. Chad was on the ground groveling for mercy before Terry even laid a hand on him, he sat on his knees and confessed his misdeeds like Terry was a benevolent priest who would just forgive his attempt to further traumatize Terry’s precious little angel. Terry quickly figured out Veda was just one of many pretty girls, Chad Johnson had forced himself on. Berkley showed Terry the upmost gratitude for helping them keep their prestigious reputation. Flashing them a copy Chad’s fresh restraining order and a picture of the mark he had left on an innocent doe eyed girl had the school board eating out of the palm of his hand. The dean even went as far as to call up Chad’s parents on speaker phone while Terry was still sat back in the cherry armchair in his office with his arms laying lazily over his lap with a deeply satisfied slightly sinister look in his blue eyes. By the time Terry had cornered Chad in the alleyway his father had kicked him out of the house and confiscated his Chevy Camero, Chad had been alternating between his friends couches for almost two weeks by then. Of course, Chad’s parents were more pissed off by him being kicked out of Berkley and tarnishing the good Johnson family reputation in Encino then they were about him assaulting Veda, but it had served its purpose at least. Aside from Terry putting him in the emergency room for a day, Chad wasn’t going to get accepted into another prestigious establishment with that on his record anytime soon, a real-world life altering consequence for hurting his sweet girl was sure to make the message sink in for him and for Dutch and Tommy. Terry was sure they got it too, but he still intended on taking them out one by one at a spine chillingly slow, calculated pace. Tommy was next on the list and like he had done with Chad, Terry started with minor offences like keying and slashing the tires on Tommy’s brand-new Corvette and damaging several of his mom’s priceless fine China after Tommy threw a little bash while she was out of town.

It was only a matter of time before Terry successfully got Tommy kicked out of Berkley too, he knew the suspense was eating away him and Dutch, Ben and Riley kept him updated after Chad’s unfortunate ‘mugging by a mystery assailant in an alleyway’ and Tommy’s new car being mysteriously damaged. Dutch and Tommy were finally catching to the fact they were being toyed with by someone, but they hadn’t figured out who it was since Daniel LaRusso was out of the country. Terry put his spree on pause to spend the holiday with the love of his life on a secluded romantic getaway before he introduced her into upper class society on Sunday. Once some headlines broke about Terry Silver’s serious committed relationship with a young, gifted beauty, Veda would be even more unobtainable to Dutch than she already was. She didn’t have to vocalize it; Terry just knew the only thing standing in the way of her giving herself to him completely was Dutch. Her fear of Terry abandoning her was replaced with a new fear of Dutch tearing them apart, leaving them to dwell in an existence of deep melancholy until they meet again in their next life or wherever they were going after this. In a true Romeo and Juliet type of fate, Terry was going to do everything he could to prevent that outcome and to erase her fears after this weekend. But for now, Terry was going to do what he did best, make her feel so loved and special Dutch wouldn’t cross her mind for a single second. He’d capture every rosy smile, every adorable pout, every fit of childlike wonder, and every loving doe eyed gaze like his life depended on it because she was his life now, she was his whole world. And she deserved a starring role in all the photo albums he only wanted to fill because of her, to hear her freely express that he was the only one she’d ever consider starting a family with and that she thought he'd be an amazing father to their children made his heart skip a beat just when he didn’t think it was possible to love her any more than he already did.

Terry and Veda spent that walk to the gardens enjoying each other and the beautiful landscapes San Ysidro had to offer. Laughing and practically skipping down cobblestone paths, they happily snapped as many photos of each other as they possibly could, seemingly ignoring the rest of the world in one of their blissful bubbles until they reached the lush colorful resort garden. He held her hand tightly as they walked along the winding cobblestone pathway under the dreamy wisteria laced pergola, he’d surely be taking multiple pictures of her here before they headed back to get dressed for their private group dinner at the Old Adobe. He picked it because he knew Veda would love eating in a California historic landmark even if she for whatever reason disliked his friends, if she said she did Terry wouldn’t hesitate to drop them in a heartbeat. Luckily, that was not the case when they finally strolled up to their tea table a fashionable twenty-five minutes late, Veda, Ian, Gwen, and Anna got along as well as he was expecting and hoping they would. She rightfully hated Simon after he undermined her acceptance into CalTech by vilely implying she must have laid down on the dean’s couch, Terry resisted the urge to knock him silly for Veda’s sake, he resolved to public humiliation. Reprimanding Simon in the middle of the resort gardens with a stony expression and sinister eyes for the all the other guests to see as he calmly told him to enjoy this trip because it would be the last annual trip he was ever going to be invited to. Simon was silent for the rest of the day, only uttering words to the wait staff during their private dinner in the Old Adobe while a very relaxed, happy Veda freely laughed and participated in all their discussions like she’d been a part of their friend groups forever. It was everything Terry had been hoping for and somehow so much more, he had no doubts the gala on Sunday would seem less imposing to her now and that made him happy in a way he couldn't explain.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Veda’s Pov

Veda was relieved to find she actually quite liked Terry’s friends, Ian, Gwen, and Anna were exceptionally warm and welcoming towards her even more so after Simon had all but accused her of sleeping with the CalTech dean of admissions to get accepted. Terry jumped to her aid before he even got the last word out, forever her knight in silver armor always keeping his word. She hadn’t expected him to bar Simon from any future trips, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t happy about it. Simon pretty much refused to speak to anyone after that and after dinner he silently retreated back to Acacia cottage while Anna joined them to watch the orange pink sunset on Kennedy cottage terrace and drink cocktails.

On the morning of the fourth of July Terry and Veda joined the others at the pool for more cocktails, a nice lunch at the Stonehouse restaurant, and another afternoon tea before going their separate ways around dinner time. Veda could tell Terry was getting a little anxious about the evening fireworks, so she decided it’d be a good idea to put their rose petal filled clawfoot bathtub to use, they drank champagne and ate their delicious appetizers while they waited for their room service dinner to arrive. They sat cuddled up in the warm bubbly water, feeding and holding one another with big goo-goo eyes, completely love-struck in a way that was more deeply romantic than overtly sexual.

“Here you go handsome, did Ian tell you what he planned out for his grand proposal” Veda cooed feeding him a mini quiche with a smitten looking smile on her face, Terry placed a loving kiss on her shoulder mirroring her smile back at her with twinkling blue eyes.

“Thank you, my gorgeous girl, Ian whisked her away to one of the hiking trails to see the waterfalls while the staff sets up their cottage for them with a great candlelit dinner and as many red roses as they can fit, I’m not so sure those two will end up heading into to town to see the fireworks after all. Anna told me she’s only taking Simon to see the fireworks so they can talk…” Terry trailed, Veda giggled knowing he wanted her to feed into one his adorable attempts at gossip.

“Waterfalls aw that’s so romantic. Oh, no, a talk. I’m afraid that’s never a good sign is it Mr. Silver, are we talking a splitsville talk or a honey, you forgot to take the trash out again talk” Veda quipped with amused brown eyes, Terry chuckled feeding her a piece of Canapes with an adoring smile.

“We can go see the waterfall tomorrow if you want, sweetheart. Oh, it’s definitely a splitsville talk, Anna has been putting up with Simon’s unsavory remarks and lackluster bedroom performance for a full four years and to top it all off he never popped the question.” Terry quipped; Veda gasped in mock outrage as she popped another mini quiche in his mouth with a playful smile on her lips.

“Four years and no ring, poor Anna wasted four years of her life on a total dud. I’d love to see the waterfall with you tomorrow, Romeo” she cooed happily, she could faintly hear the staff enter the living room to set up their dinner in front of the fireplace as requested. Terry captured her with a sweet tender kiss.

“We can definitely do that tomorrow before dinner at the Veranda. I believe they’re setting up our dinner for tonight, my angel, do you want to bundle up in the bathrobes or do you want a pair of your cute pjs” he cooed, Veda placed her finger on her chin in playful contemplation, she knew which Terry wanted her to pick but she was getting a bit cold.

“How about I wear the robe over my pjs until I’m nice and warm in front of the fire, Romeo” she said coyly, Terry chuckled placing a playful kiss on her nose as he gently moved the bath tray out of the way as he stood up to step out of the bath.

“That’s a great choice, baby, here” he said helping her to her feet, he tenderly wrapped a fluffy towel around her goosebump ridden body before gingerly lifting her out of the tub and onto the heated bathroom floor. “I’m going to grab your pjs, you stay here and let your feet warm up, baby girl” he cooed, wrapping a towel around his waist, and shuffling to the bedroom he came back shortly after wearing emerald, green silk pajama pants and his bathrobe still open and baring his chiseled torso. Terry gazed at her with a bashful smile tugging on his lips he held up a brand-new short silk emerald, green nightgown with lace detailing over the breast cups and matching panties. Veda blushed with a timid smile playing on her face.

“I don’t remember that being in my bag, Romeo.” She said teasingly, Terry chuckled giving her a soft kiss on the forehead his eyes still tinkling in the warm romantic bathroom lighting.

“That’s because it was in my bag, I like when we wear matching outfits, may I help you put them on…” he trailed with the same bashful looking smile, Veda giggled nodding her head eagerly in confirmation.

“Yes, you may, you may also carry me to the living room” she chirped, loving the way his face lit up Terry gently unwrapped her towel from her body and took a few minutes to admire her bare body aimlessly running a finger the curve of her left hip.

“So gorgeous” he hummed softly, bending down to help her step into the soft lace panties he slowly glided them up her legs and thighs, he his fingers gently caress her skin before settling them on her hips he drew a few soothing circles. Before repeating the action as, he pulled her arms through the nightgown armholes tenderly, letting his fingers dance upon her skin as he slid the rest of the gown over her head, the gown waterfalled over her breasts swiftly. Terry gave her an adoring smile as he helped her into her rope tying it securely around her waist, Veda mirrored his smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck, Terry scooped her off the heated tile floors with ease.

“Onward my noble silver steed” she cooed playfully, Terry rolled his eyes letting out a deep amused chuckle as he carried her out of the bathroom and into the living room where their dinner, a bottle of red wine, and a warm crackling fire awaited them.

“Alright, my princess, where would you like to sit” he cooed in her ear with a sweet smile playing on his lips. Veda smiled back at him with rosy cheeks and a beaming smile.

“On your lap of course, Romeo. So, we can keep feeding each other” she said sweetly, Terry eagerly sat down on one of cushions placed on the floor with a beaming smile of his own. He poured them each a glass of wine before getting to work, spearing a piece of her herb crusted lamb, he brought the fork up to her lips. Much like he did at the roof top place, it was hard for Veda to believe that was only a month and half ago because to her it felt like ages. Time seemed to move differently when she was with Terry sometimes, she couldn’t remember what her life was like before he was in it and now that she was so deeply in love with him, she couldn’t bear to think about what her life might look like if she lost him. She didn’t think there was any feasible way for her to exist in the world without him now that she knew what loving him felt like.  

“Here, baby girl” he cooed, Veda accepted the food with a beaming smile and rosy cheeks. Veda flashed him a sweet smile as she speared some of his honey glazed chicken, she brought the fork up to his lips and like always Terry met her halfway. They continued feeding each other as they shared one of their many wordless conversations between bites of food, sips of wine, and kisses on the cheek basking in the glow of the crackling fireplace in their own little personal Eden for a long time. In fact, their moment was so long they forgot what day it was, their comfortable silence was soon hindered by the loud rumbling booms of the intrusive warlike fireworks display over Stearns Wharf, a measly six miles away from San Ysidro Ranch. Veda could see the faint colorful flashes of light flooding in though the patio door windows for a second, she thought she felt the rumbles vibrate through the cottage floors but then she remembered what or rather who she was sitting on. Her eyes darted to Terry just as he dropped the fork in his hand, her heirloom beets left a deep purple red stain on the white bathrobe she was wearing but she was too concerned with her Romeo to care. Terry’s face had gone a ghostly shade of white and his eyes glazed over in a way that made her think he had left his still trembling body.

“Terry” she said in a soft but frantic tone as she reached up to caress his cheek gingerly, not wanting to startle him with the sounds of surrounding fireworks still aggressively flooding in through the cottage walls. Terry didn’t reply, still staring off in what she could only assume was the dark brooding jungles of Vietnam, his mind lost in a dark distant memory.

“Terry” Veda cried a bit louder this time, but it seemed to have much of the same effect or lack there off. Veda nibbled on her lip nervously as she reached behind him to pull his raven curls out of their confines, raking her small fingers through it in an attempt to bring him back to her, she’d read up on a few grounding techniques in case something like this happened. Simulating the five senses as a means to pull his mind out of a dark traumatic spiral seemed easy enough for her to manage if she could get him to a place where he was at least talking. The passes she was making through his soft dark curls seemed to help a bit because Terry’s blue eyes met hers, they were no longer glittering with happiness, instead they were now flooded with waves of anguish and melancholy. Veda was relieved to see at least a glimpse of some sort of recognition in them, his blue orbs softened a bit as they swept over her face in way that made her think he was trying to figure out if she was real. His left arm was wrapped tightly around her waist and his right hand trailed down the length of her cheek delicately.

“There’s an angel in here John” he said in the form of a meek sounding whisper, Veda’s eyes softened as she registered what he said, her heart was still heavy with concern, but she could at least work with what he gave her. Her fingers were still raking through his dark curls as she leaned in to place a soft peck on his cheek.

“No, Terry, my name is Veda, remember” she said softly, Terry’s body stiffened a bit as he stared back at her and let his hand drop from her face with a small flash of fear in his eyes. Veda calmly gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek and laced the fingers of her free hand with his.

“Veda are you here to take me to Ponytail” he asked in a shaky voice, Veda calmy shook her head, smiling back at him softly trying to handle this with as much care as she possibly could.

“No, Terry, I’m going to take you to the bedroom so we can cuddle, you’re safe with me. Come on” Veda coaxed, slowly rising to her feet and gently gripped his other trembling hand in hers, Terry looked up at her with hesitant eyes before slowly rising to his feet. Veda smiled reassuringly she walked backwards to maintain his gaze and draw soothing circles on the backs of his large shaky hands, guiding him gently into the master bedroom and over to the king-sized canopy bed. 

“Why don’t you lay down so I can make the room safe for us” she said gently urging him to lay back in the middle of the king size canopy bed and reluctantly let his hands go. Terry nodded in acknowledgment, seemingly more alert but still on defense, he watched her flick on the fairy lights spun around the bed post with wary childlike blue eyes. Veda sighed sadly, he almost looked at her like she was a stranger as she shuffled about the room at a slow pace so she wouldn’t frighten him further. She shut the bedroom and bathroom doors softly and flicked on the tv in an attempt to drown out some of the aggressive fireworks. Before lowering all the window and patio door shades and rushing back towards the bed. Terry’s eyes were squeezed shut as he laid upon the plush duvet his body still vibrating, Veda sighed softly, she swore she actually felt her heart break just seeing him this vulnerable.

“Terry, I’m done making the room safe for us so I’m going to lay down with you now. Is that okay?” she cooed, Terry’s eyes flew open sharply taking in her form at the edge of the bed with wary captivated blue eyes. Veda held his gaze while she peeled off her white bathrobe, tossing it lazily on one of the armchairs before sitting next to him softly on the bed. Terry’s eyes traveled over the dark green nightgown like he was trying to pinpoint where he had seen it before.

“Thank you for the nightgown, Terry. I like matching with you too, green is one of my favorite colors. It’s also very soft, like my hair, see” she said, gingerly guiding one of his hands to the ends of her hair Terry’s blue eyes softened a bit raking his fingers through her thick black waves on instinct. Veda reached out to mirror him, gingerly raking her finger through his soft dark curls while she stared at him intently his blue eyes were still trained on her face looking slightly bewildered. Veda smiled back at him softly, she had successfully tackled his sense of sight and touch, he was at least focused on her now even if he didn’t seem to know who she was at the moment, still lost in the jungles of Vietnam. She could think of a few things to say to get the gears turning in his head but maybe the best thing for right now was just to comfort him, luckily, she knew exactly how to do that now.

“Terry, I’m going to lay down by you now, okay. You can keep playing with my hair of course, Romeo” she cooed, she guided him to wrap his free arm around her waist before lowering herself to lay on part of his body like she usually did. Veda rested her cheek against his collarbone and tangled her fingers in his dark hair again, looking up at him with deeply loving eyes, she started singing to him just as the last hurrah of the belligerent 4th of July finale was rattling the walls. Terry, although still trembling, listened to her sing with adoration and recognition flooding back into his eyes and his arm tightened its hold around her waist. The harsh booming noises slowly died down and the walls stopped rattling as they laid tangled together in an intimate solace with Veda’s dulcet tune sounding over the dull chatter of whatever was playing on the tv and throughout the still room.

“Oh, my Veda” he breathed out, tangling his long fingers through her thick waves Terry bowed slightly to rest his forehead against hers. Veda continued her lullaby for him long after the fireworks stopped vibrating the cottage and Terry’s body had relaxed beneath her completely. Slowly slipping back into their personal bubble with loving gazes and tender passes through the other’s hair. Terry sighed in contentment, having finally come back to her after his trip through the haunting trenches of Vietnam he gazed at her with adoring devoted blue eyes as he placed a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose. Veda ceased her singing to pull him into a tender kiss still raking her fingers through his soft dark curls with great tenderness as she stared back at him with just as much devoted adoration.

“Thank you, my sweet girl. I love you” Terry whispered; Veda caressed his cheek with a soft smile tugging on her lips before she trailed her hand delicately down the length of his bare chiseled chest. Terry gave her a soft smile and another kiss on the tip of her nose.

“And I love you, you don’t have to thank me, my love. I’ll always protect you; I’ll always take care of you” she cooed his declaration back to him with sincere brown eyes. Terry caressed her cheek softly and pulled her in for a long, tender loving kiss before pulling away to gaze deeply into her eyes again. Veda smiled softly at him still gently trailing her hand up and down his chest in comforting passes. “How are you feeling, my love? Is there anything I can get you?” she cooed giving him a soft peck on the cheek, Terry shook his head with a sweet smile dancing on his face, his blue eyes were twinkling again, and Veda felt a wave of relief pass through her. She wished there was something she could do to keep that amount of melancholy from ever flooding his beautiful eyes again.

“No thank you, baby girl, you’ve done so much for me already, I’m just sorry you had to see me like that but I’m okay now, thanks to you.” Terry said softly, Veda shushed him looking at him as seriously as he looked at her yesterday, when she had apologized for keeping him waiting as she reached up to cradle his face in her small hands.

“That’s not something you have to apologize for Terry, it’s okay. I told you; you could tell me anything, that you could show me all your demons and open all your boxes and we would handle them together. I meant that, I love you, I love every part of you, and this is a part of who you are and that’s okay. It’s going to take a lot more than this to scare me away, okay, my love. You’re always safe with me” Veda said wholeheartedly, gingerly stroking his cheeks with her thumbs hoping he could see the love and sincerity swilling in her eyes. Terry smiled back at her dreamily, shaking his head in acknowledgement as he turned to kiss the palm of one of hands.

“I know, baby girl, thank you so much. Are you still hungry, I know I cut our dinner a little short, but I can have them bring us some fresh food” he cooed, finally sounding like his normal doting self. Veda giggled shaking her head at him she gave him a playful kiss on the tip of his nose.

“Terry Silver, I’m the one taking care of you right now, I want you to just relax, okay. So, are you still hungry, what can I do to help you get comfortable?” she chided softly, Terry chuckled under his breath at her with amusement swirling in his twinkling blue eyes.

“No, baby, I’m not hungry and all I want to do right now is snuggle up and hold you” he crooned, Veda smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips before she let go of his face.

“That I can definitely do for you, Romeo. Here let’s get under the covers, hmm” she cooed, Terry chuckled standing up for a moment to help her roll down the duvet as he eagerly slides his bathrobe off, tossing it lazily on one of the armchairs before crawling into bed next to her. Veda smiled softly, gently urging him to lay down while she moved to pull the covers up and over them.

“How would you like to cuddle, my love?” Veda asked softly as she laid her head down on a pillow, Terry smiled rolling over on his side he draped an arm over her, gently tangling his hand in her dark hair. Veda rolled over and instinctively inched closer to him pressing her body against his she placed her hand on his cheek she rested her forehead against his.

“Like this, sweetheart, I just need to see something good right now and you’re so angelic, Veda, so lovely, so beautiful, so sweet. I love you so much” he crooned, giving her a sweet kiss on the lips, Veda smiled melting into him as she felt her heart swell with an overwhelming amount of love and joy.

“I love you too, Terry” she said, looking deep into his eyes she began to sing to him once again, over the faint chatter of the tv. She didn’t stop until Terry’s eyes fluttered shut and his breathing came out in slow deep sighs. Veda placed a soft kiss on his lips before drifting off to sleep.

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 05/03/2024

Grand Dad Metropolis

Season 1 Featured on: GiIvaSunner's HighestQuality Video Game Rips Volume 2 Also on: GilvaSunner's Highest Quality Video Game Rips: Volume 3 & Knigra, 7 Somari Dad

Ripped by MtH

Requested by an anonymous reader! (Request Form)

Juxtaposed to yesterday's post on a rip that's barely a week old in Willievan Afton Polkka, today we're going OLD school: to a time early in Season 1, back when the mere act of melodyswapping in any capacity still felt like witchcraft (and honestly, to me it still kind of does!). At first glance, Grand Dad Metropolis may appear to just be yet another funny flintstones edit amidst a sea of others - but in the context it was released in, it managed to both be incredibly funny, and mind-bendingly impressive at the same time. I'll try to summarize.

I've been alluding to the significance of April Fools on SiIvaGunner a handful of times on here, notably in Violet Snow Memories, and I've gotten quite a few requests to cover Season 7's April Fools event in particular. Rest assured: that day will come, but I think its important to cover some history beforehand. SiIvaGunner as a channel, one initially all about lightheartedly bait-and-switching unsuspecting viewers, obviously goes hand-in-hand with the very essence of April Fools. But then that raises the question: if the channel, in the early days of Season 1, was already aiming to pull pranks on people all days of the year, what could they do to change that up for when April Fools rolled around? The answer that the team came up with was perhaps the funniest one they could've done: for the entire day, every rip uploaded was of *actually* completely unedited video game music. Funnier yet, all the music chosen were of songs that already featured *some* of the notes from The Flintstones theme, giving the illusion that they had been edited just subtly - effectively driving the audience mad with confusion over whether or not the funny Grand Dad theme was going to play or not.

But where does Grand Dad Metropolis come into this? You can probably hear yourself that, unlike what I'm talking about here, it IS actually edited, if you're familiar with the original track. That's the thing - viewers back then were VERY familiar with the original track, as part of a running joke dating back to just a month after the channel's creation. The track Grand Metropolis, playing off of its very funny name, had been uploaded *six times* to the SiIvaGunner channel (back when it was still called GiIvaSunner) before April Fools rolled around - and in each of these instances, the track had been completely unedited. It was hard to really discern what the point of these repeated uploads was other than to just be mildly funny filler, that the joke was just in how the name of the track evoked the thought of the Grand Dad meme itself without any need to change the melody - until you realize the number that comes after six. Seven. The Seventh Grand Metropolis rip was yet to be uploaded - until, again, the day of April Fools.

With these two in jokes combined - the joke of Grand Metropolis being repeatedly uploaded without any edit until it had reached six out of seven total Grand uploads, and the joke of Season 1's April Fools being to do the complete inverse of the channel's typical activity - Grand Dad Metropolis was the ultimate payoff to a joke almost two months in the making. But see, the quality of the rip runs runs yet further: It was understood, back in the early days of Season 1, that most melody-swap rips made used songs where replacing or modifying its lead melody wasn't all too much work, be it well-understood 8-bit music such as on the NES, or songs whose stems and such were fully available to make isolating individual instruments a non-issue. Grand Metropolis had no such advantage, its performed with a live guitar played by Jun Senoue of SEGA's sound team, it doesn't have any sort of release out that allows for isolation of its instruments, and its sound is distinct enough to where it would seemingly be a huge challenge to recreate from scratch - Yet somehow, ripper MtH was still able to make Grand Dad Metropolis sound shockingly authentic-sounding, to the amazement of many. Check the video's comment section yourself, you'll find even some rippers like SonicHeroesFan1 of Green Panty Zone (Sequenced Ver​.​) fame left amazed at how a rip like this was - at the time - even possible.

There's of course a handful of other jokes featured throughout the rip as well, following that initial hit of getting the long-awaited funny flintstones. The melody goes through Snow Halation, Hiroyuki Sawano's Before my Body is Dry and Gangnam Style - all three jokes being quite historically important to SiIvaGunner's legacy, as I've covered in Stone Halation, voiceless and One Winged PSYcho - V​.​S. Sepsyrop respectively. That importance, paired with the prior-described lengthy context that surrounded it, really makes Grand Dad Metropolis a sort of milestone in early SiIvaGunner, a distillation of everything that gave the channel its initial intrigue, featuring some of the most core-to-the-channel jokes, ones pushed hard by the team's earliest members since the channel's inception. That part of the rip is undeniably important, of course, and yet...its the gag that still sells it for me. The gag of finally receiving the seventh Grand Metropolis was such a genuinely funny one to have unfold in real time and, paired with how funny April Fools of Season 1 was to begin with, ensured that Grand Dad Metropolis would be one I'd remember for all of time. For as often-sloppy, unplanned and rough as Season 1 can often feel, the novelty of the channel's conceit and the cleverness of the team resulted in it being one of the most devious and surprise-filled periods of the channel's entire life. And to me, that is what Grand Dad Metropolis most proudly represents. Pure, unfiltered Season 1 silliness.

Speaking of that silliness - huge shoutout to the "GiIvaSunner's HighestQuality Video Game Rips Volume 2" April Fools album this debuted on, featuring 245 uncompressed FLACs of Grand Metropolis, where exactly ONE of them was actually Grand Dad Metropolis. I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to actually talk about Volume 2 on here, so please look it up on the Wiki - its one of the funniest things the channel's ever done.

[hooked-on-elvis]

"WE THRIVE ON CRITICISM"

A LITTLE BIT ON THE CONTENT OF THE "ELVIS MONTHLY" MAGAZINE

This os one of the hundreds of articles published on the Elvis Monthly magazine. "Elvis and the twisted knife" by Louise O. Spencer, published on the September 1960 issue (No. 8).

It's a great article this one but, naturally, some parts of it called my attention the most, like this one:

(...) Another woman, columnist, whose bitterness is so violent that she heaps her vituperation on any hapless head who comes within her line of dislike, berated him and his fans. "He has no talent, cannot sin and used his body gyrations to excite the wrong emotions in the young." She stated his fans are immature, neurotic, not normal, ignorant and just plain silly. (...) We know and have known all along the wonderful and generous things Elvis had done for him family, friends and neighbors, and fans. His giving and kindness is done with sincerity, without ostentation, it is done impulsively, lovingly. And no-one will ever know all the generous things he did for his buddies in the Army. But what's the use? Let them rant. Let them rave. Elvis can stand it, and so can we. Remember our watchword: WE THRIVE ON CRITICISM.

Now, aren't these words unbelievably contemporary? This was written in 1960! It feels like an embrace to us, a friendly support from people who knows what we still have to deal with. Being an Elvis fan is not easy. We constantly face the need to defend him from all misinformation spread over the years. The second you say you're a fan there's judging glances on you. That's so annoying, so unasked for, so stupid. I felt like sharing this with you, fam. Let's keep going. Our boy deserves us to defend him whenever necessary. After all, he gave us everything he had in his heart. ♥

Credits to Keith Flynn for the dedication, generosity and great effort uploading issues of, among others, "Elvis Monthly" magazine on his website, as well as many other precious files. This above is not the full article where the words come from but it surely worth your time reading it fully. If you'd like, go to keithflynn.com and look for the September 1960 issue -- No. 8.

FURTHER INFORMATION

The "Elvis Monthly" magazine was founded in 1960 by an English fan, Albert Hand. It was part of the material meant for one of the English Elvis Presley Fan Clubs members (Official Elvis Presley Fan Club of Great Britain). The magazine was very welcomed by the Elvis fans at the time since reports tells fans could only get better information on Elvis before the magazine came along through newspapers, tabloids and/or generalists movie magazines which weren't always reliable or had information delivered as often as fans would like it to be. Subscribing to Elvis Monthly was a good way to keep themselves updated on what was going on in the King's career and life. The magazine was very dear to the UK as well as World fans, but also to the Americans themselves.

Albert Hand met Elvis in some occasions, one of them being in 1962, visiting him on set while Elvis was filming "Kid Galahad". Unfortunately, it seems Albert passed away in 1972, taking from information I got through Elvis forums discussions. The Elvis Monthly magazine kept going for more 28 years after Hand's passing but it was put to rest in early 2000. I found a satisfying explanation on the reasons why on elvisnews.com. Albert had a few other publications apart from the Elvis Monthly, other 100% Elvis as well as more generalists ones on the entertainment world as a whole and its stars.

Elvis and fan (and author) Albert Hand, founder of the Elvis Monthly magazine, first issue published in February 1960. In the pictures, Albert is meeting Elvis on set of Kid Galahad. Albert, surely, published in one of the 1962 issues (special edition "Meet Elvis") about his meeting with EP. His introductory words were so relatable! Look:

Hi there! Now this guy Elvis Presley… I suppose you've heard of him. He's the feller who makes films in threes, has fan clubs by the dozen, sell records by the million, and makes hearts flatter by the billion. No doubt you're one of his fans. You KNOW you are but one of many; you KNOW he's never heard of you; you KNOW if you changes to being a Jimmy Crockett fan overnight your absence wouldn't even be noticed… and yet you feel -- very deeply -- that Elvis is one of your closest friends. You fight for him! You praise him! You love him! You'd DIE for him! And yet you are just not able to explain to anyone why this should be so. Well, I guess it's about time you really met him. Perhaps not in person, but at least through the intimate pages of this picture-strewn book. He's a wonderful person, this Elvis Aron Presley. He's all that you think he is, whether your laudship for his lordship be as a singer, as an actor, as an entertainer, as a good-looker, or as a man. I know. You see, I really have met him … Albert Hand

[worldismyne]

was there any drama behind warrior u ending in the middle of an isuee?

Drama? Not really, more like, a series of unfortunate events.

The creator's computer crashed, destroying around 10-15 finished pages that had yet to be uploaded.

She was writing as she went, on an issue that was the origin story of the fan favorite villain, Hevvin. I think there was a lot of pressure to make it perfect, and when she went to go back and redo the pages, did what a lot of creators in her position would do. She second guessed the direction the issue was going and thought what she had made was 'terrible'.

She was very open about how she felt she wrote herself in a corner. She enlisted the help of fans to post one page fan comics while she decided what to do, and in the end, decided to end the series.

We were all sad, but from my POV, most people were understanding. It was a for free webcomic she had started in college and made 100s of pages for us. A lot of us had been in a position where we couldn't finish a fic or lost something we'd been working on to computer issues. It was just sad to see it happen to something on such grand of a scale.

A few years later, there was a problem with the webhost, and the official website for the comic died. She was also applying for animation jobs, which at the time the industry was very anti-fandom. So her DA and other galleries that had WU stuff incidently on it was deleted. Her WU blogs got caught in the shuffle, so we lost the original ask blog and concept art blogs. She made a new WU blog that has what she was able to save, but was very clear by 2020 she was ready to move onto a different project.

I can't stress enough how intensely parasocial the fans were by the series end with both her and the characters who'd been accessible through ask blog format since before tumblr (we have an archive of the old formspring for the blog, it's 30 webpages long, and that was just a fraction of it). She read and promoted any fan work that was made on the blog. Even posted the thumbnails for unfinished issues, and had been writing issues out of order.

There was a lot of pressure from the fanbase to make certain ships canon and Hevvin fans were half the fanbase (tumblr sexyman level obession). She was very clear what she would and wouldn't write, that she was pantsing the comic the entire run (no outline, just vibes) and by the series end there was so much pressure to appease the fans, I think the pages getting lost was the straw that broke the camel's back.

((For context, when all this was going down superwholock was on fire with fans harrassing people at cons over ship takes, homestuck was in full swing and fans of that would reach for other webcomics like WU during hiatuses. It was not a great time to 'let down' an audience on tumblr))

I wasn't on her end of the inbox, but I saw her get exhausted from demands to incoporate ships, headcanons, and update faster. It's one thing to get writers block after loosing a good chunk of work, it's another to have that happen in front of 10k+ fans who treat you like any old mutual.

She is aware of our efforts to revive the comic, but has been clear she's ready to move on to different projects. We did get a nice lil promo on the official blog.

Now she has a new comic series, where she works on one issue at a time. When the issues are done she posts them, when they aren't she talks in vague updates. Lately she's been focused on helping raise money to get people out of Gaza.

The orginal WU fandom is mostly gone, though we had a few pop in, nostalgic over the comic as we finished the unfinished issue. Atm we got about 99 peeps following on tumblr and consistent traffic on comic fury.

[avdiobliss]

Okay so for college in September one task was to analyse three albums of your choice! The albums I picked were:

Moral Panic - Nothing But Thieves

Parachutes - Coldplay

Hurry Up We’re Dreaming - M83

I was talking to the Georges about it and figured there’s someone out there that would maybe enjoy my ramblings about the albums and songs! So I’ll upload it here :)

I would have written so much more but I had a limit of 1500 words and even this is over that 🤷‍♂️

My three favourite albums

1. Moral Panic by Nothing But Thieves

So Moral Panic is one of the best albums to exist. All the songs were so good that they added five extra unreleased songs to make Moral Panic II. For a 62 minute long third- studio album, you’d have thought they would have discovered their sound, but it is different to everything else they have made. Produced during the end of 2019 and being released after the first lockdown, the title was inspired by lots of social issues around the time. With so many different sounds in one album, from the love song ‘Impossible’ with the slow, sad tempo to ‘Can you afford to be an individual,’ challenging societal standards it’s certainly a mix of emotions. Lead singer Conor Masons vocals have always been exquisite, but this album really helps to bring it out with the different live versions available, including the O2 arena video available on YouTube. With easily recognisable guitar and bass riffs and Conor’s vocal range of B2 – D6, this album is the great goodbye to their sound before releasing Dead Club City, an experimental electro-pop album to introduce their new and different ideas. Now it’s time to go into the individual songs. The first track, ‘Unperson’, is a song that starts quieter, but gets into that heavy feeling very quickly. The repetition of lyrics helps to add to the feeling of confusion that was being felt, especially during that time of the year. Going from heavier music with talking into a quick break including softer singing helps to give that whiplash feeling the band are trying to construe. Then having the break of lyrics at the two-minute mark, and having the drums slowly start to increase in severity, just makes the starting song the best introduction to the rest of the album. Now, the second song varies as to whether you are listening to Moral Panic, or Moral Panic II. Whilst writing this, I am listening to the complete collection, and that is what I will go off. The second song is ‘Futureproof’, which just starts with the heavy drum and guitar chords. Yet again calming down slightly whilst Conor sings, as though they are trying to highlight them even more. Having both the lyric tone and the rest of the song start to decrease just shows how in-tune they are as a band. Also, Conor's breathy tones just really bring everything together. The change from ‘Miracle Baby’ to ‘Impossible’ just creates even more confusion about what is supposed to be going on. Going from songs questioning standards to a love song talking about how the love interest makes everything easier in life. And yet some lyrics could be taken in the wrong way. “I could drown myself in someone like you.” But maybe that juxtaposition is exactly what they are trying to do. The faint violin gives the track an almost melancholic sound, and Dom’s backing really makes it other-worldly. There is just a pause where no-one plays, and it goes into singing and that change just represents the entire sound of the album.

2. Parachutes by Coldplay

So, when I first heard we had to write about three albums, I was just going to do three NBT albums. But then I thought about albums that had changed me as a person. And I knew this album had to be done. Everyone knows this album because of ‘Yellow’ but it’s so much more complex than that. Released in 2000, it was post-Britpop and Coldplay were here to make a change to music. Following the release of Radiohead's album ‘Kid A’, the slow and melancholy vibes were exactly what people were looking for. Not only that, but the whole album was dedicated to the drummer’s mother who had died two months prior to the release. Considering the sad, atmospheric sound the band were trying to create, they definitely did a good job. Every song is similar, making it a great backing album for anything chill. It is the perfect soundtrack for studying, crying and trying to fall asleep. The first track of the album being ‘Don’t Panic’ really helps to set the mood for the whole album. The repeated guitar chords create a familiarity with the whole song, and the lower voice really does just make it exactly what they were aiming for. That familiarity sets itself into you for the entire album. Considering this was my top song last year, I think that says a lot about how my year went. The soft introduction into ‘Shiver’ is brilliant, that slow transition into the song is just what you are looking for. This song seems more upbeat as it goes on, almost giving the listener hope, with the drums creating a steady beat to rely upon. And then those first lyrics hit, and you realise that no matter how happy those melodies are, the lyrics will be sad. And that was exactly what they were aiming for. Deriving from artists such as Lou Reed, who did the same thing. Okay, I’ll do ‘Yellow’ next. Quite possibly Coldplay’s most popular song, with lyrics connoting love and admiration, it is almost a wake-up call between all the other songs. Whilst yes, the melody is the same, those lyrics are so much happier, almost as if Coldplay were trying to tell a story though the album. These lyrics show love, but based on the context of other lyrics, it may be unrequited. Hence the happy backing, but sad lyrics. This album is so complex, with so many different theories about what everything means. That is what helps to make the album as amazing as it is. And finally, ‘We Never Change,’ with its depressing guitar chords, doing the same thing repeatedly, being strummed harshly, is the perfect penultimate song. The lyrics slowly get more uplifting, changing the entire point of the album, is brilliant. The piano really does just round the whole ending to this song out. I simply have no words. The genius the band have to create a song with this much emotion, and lyrics the listener can relate to, is why this album is one of my favourites. Even adding a secret lasty track makes this album cool. ‘Life is for Living’ has simple plucking and is simply Chris singing along in the beginning. Violins then join in, and it makes it the perfect ending to a perfect album.

3. Hurry up we’re dreaming by M83

M83’s sixth studio album is exactly what you’d expect from a French electronic band. The experimental synth sound is certainly out there, but it works. The frontman had recently moved to Los Angeles and wanted to base the album off the excitement of discovering a new place and dreaming of your childhood, as he had moved from France after living there for 29 years. Being over an hour long, to ensure people don’t get bored, every song is different. I mean, there’s a whole song about frogs. And the title is in French. And it’s just a child talking. For the entire song. When I said this album is experimental and “out there,” I was not kidding. The use of a child throughout the entire song with upbeat, carefree melodies really represents the childhood M83 were trying to construe through this album. Each song blends into the other, making the whole album seem like a fever dream, yet again that idea of dreaming as a child coming into play. Let's talk about popularity. ‘Midnight City’ is the most well-known M83 song. Appealing to the idea of a futuristic world, with the synth repetitive notes is exactly what you would think a night drive through the city in 3000 would sound like. The lyrics explain how comforting the city is, and it is a tribute to the whole city. Every song starts off quietly, getting into the tune, almost cautiously. But some songs stay the same, including ‘Where the boats go.’ A slower song, acting as a break. ‘When will you come home’ into ‘Soon, my friend’ shows the deeper connection the artist has with the album, making it personalised and strengthening the bond. It makes the listener feel more involved, and all of these emotions being involved in one album is one of the reasons I love it so much. This complexity works with the nostalgia I feel when listening to the album, as it’s something I used to listen to a lot as a child. Many songs have an ambience of a forest, with the juxtaposition between the city making it confuse you, the same feeling you’d get when moving into a new place. One of my favourite songs from this album is ‘Steve Mcqueen’, purely because it builds up for nearly a minute and then goes into it, making it seem so easy to quickly change like that. The vocals are just enough, not overpowering the song but helping to add that backing that brings it all together. Ending with ‘Outro’, just as the album does. This song is exactly what you need to chill out, giving the album the kind of ending it needs. It prepares you to listen to it all over again. The break at the minute mark before the strings come back in with the singing just feeling like you’re being reborn. The constant switch in the album from being quieter to everything all at once is overpowering, but it works so well that it isn’t overwhelming. It’s peaceful

[azulejo178]

Smile dear!

This fanfic takes place after the events of chapter 7 of hazbin hotel

Warnings: this is a tickle fanfic, if you don't like it keep scrolling.

I'm sorry if it's very short, I've been busy with exams. When I finish taking them, I'll try to upload content more often. You can leave me ideas in the comments. I hope you enjoy it. ♡

.⭒☆━━━✰━━━☆⭒.///////

- "What's got you all worked up, dear? Is there more on your mind than just angels?" Rosie asked, concerned.

- "What do you do when someone you love lies to you about who they are?" Charlie replied.

- "Romance is my specialty, come on, give me the details."

- "My girlfriend is an exorcist angel and she was never able to tell me."

- "Damn, what a secret. How does that make you feel?"

- "Um, I feel angry. I thought we shared everything."

- "And she always supports me in my ideas and... and now... I don't know if all of that was true or a lie... that thought is horrible. Do I really think like this? Yes, no... maybe?"

- "But do you love this girl?"

- "Um, I don't know... yes."

- "And have you ever doubted that she feels the same way?"

*Charlie shook his head no.

- "So what's the problem?" Rosie asked.

- "That she was part of those people who have caused us so much trouble."

- "But... doesn't your silly hotel try to redeem people?"

- "Yes..."

- "Maybe that girl is also seeking redemption."

- "No, because she knows better than anyone that I believe in second chances, why hide it from me?"

- "Because it's hard to admit things you're not proud of, especially if those things hurt the ones you love. She messed up, of course, she's not perfect, but dear, nobody here is. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that words are meaningless, but actions reflect the heart."

"Thank you, Rosie," Charlie said as he gave her a tight hug.

"Hey, I know what will cheer you up."

"What thing?"

"Something I haven't done to Alastor in a while." Charlie opened his mouth to speak but only giggles came out as Rosie began tickling his sides.

"Haha Rohosie."

"That's my name, dear," Rosie replied as she pinched his ribs.

"Noho-"

Charlie tried to escape the ticklish sensation by kicking Rosie with his legs.

"Oh no, you won't get away," said Rosie as she magically conjured some flowers to hold his hands.

"Much better," Rosie said as she went for his armpits.

Charlie burst into laughter.

"Look, it seems like I found your spot," Rosie said with a chuckle.

Charlie was a small and cute puddle of giggles. Although he had to admit that it felt good just to laugh and let go.

Years went by without her laughing like this. The whole issue of angels and extermination had her very overwhelmed. Rosie noticed that she didn't even make a real attempt to escape. In reality, being Lucifer's daughter, she was 100 times more powerful than Rosie, but still, she sank into the feeling without complaining and lost herself in her emotions.

When Rosie noticed that his laughter had stopped, she decided to stop and got up to bring him a glass of water.

"Do you feel better?" Rosie asked.

"Yes, thank you," Charlie said with a smile.

Rosie returned the smile.

"Hey dear, now let's go. We have to convince them. But before that, let's go visit a certain deer," said Rosie raising her voice slightly knowing that Alastor was behind the door and had heard everything and quickly went out to chase after him.

"Then the only thing that was heard were giggles and squeals throughout the room, the inhabitants of the cannibal city looked at each other with a smile, except for Susan, who thought to herself: Ash, how ridiculous, when will they tell us the news?"

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2003 Finally, the last day of January has arrived. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it’s felt like this month has been dragging on forever.

My bangs are now to the point where they reach if I put my hair in a ponytail on the crown of my head, but if I lower it towards my neck, they can’t quite make it yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet, though, since I began growing them out.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. I won’t be sending her any more mail till I hear from her, wherever she may be.

In Webshot’s email to me, they said that until they change their system, they recommended something called a canvas, which they gave me numbers for, in Photoshop, to get around the centering issue. I guess this would put the picture towards the handle if it’s uploaded that way, though they say it’s time-consuming. I’ll let Tom check it out and let me know what he thinks. If we can’t get around the centered picture issue, I may forget about getting more mugs as I really don’t like the centered pictures. What kind of company would make mugs like that anyway, unless someone requested it? I’m really shocked that this is the only option they have, though they claim it may not always be that way. Let’s hope not.

When I expressed my worries about going back to getting too many things through the PO, Tom said priority mail shouldn’t be the problem regular mail can be.

I may not have heard from my Mary, but I heard from Tom’s Mary. My letter prompted her message. No, she never was offended by the pictures, she’s just been sick since right after Christmas with bronchitis, pleurisy, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. All one hell of a coincidence too, since I put a “sick spell” on her as soon as I pulled out my so-called present from her. During the first day or two that I was really fuming over the stunt she pulled on me, I didn’t wish she’d drop dead or anything too serious, but I did wish her ill. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated real hard on her being all sneezy and feverish and just plain old miserable. So to read what I read was quite numbing, seeing that there’s a 50/50 chance I did this to her. Do I feel guilty, if I did? Maybe just a little, but more so I’m curious. It’s definitely worth testing, but on whom? I wonder if I could put a sick spell on someone I never met like maybe someone at the bank Tom dislikes. I don’t know about that, though. I have a feeling that if this isn’t just a coincidence, it has to be someone I know and that I’m really pissed off at. I don’t see how I could place a spell like that on someone without being furious with them. Just how do I go about testing this thing, I wonder? Stand on a street corner and ask people to piss me off so I can see if I can get even by making them sick? Then again, I don’t need to ask anyone to piss me off. That will happen on its own. It always does. I just hope it’ll be someone I know. It’s hard, for example, to tune in to people I’ve never met that are fucking us over like the bank is with this mortgage bullshit. I don’t know who they are or what they look like, so I can’t imagine being able to inflict any kind of suffering upon them, and if my rather ill thoughts had any effect on Steven or Dan, I’ll never know it.

Anyway, whether or not this is something I’ve done or that just happened, since Mary has been damned in the health department pretty much all her life, I still would’ve preferred the pictures to have given her a taste of her own medicine. Instead, she thinks they’re oh-so-cool. Well, of course. The woman loves to have her picture taken and played with, so why wouldn’t she? In fact, I should’ve known she’d just love it. At least I didn’t give her the reaction I still think she wanted/expected from me for giving her a piece of my mind about her attitude and mouth at the casino.

Just like God’s compensating me after how sickly I was throughout most of my 20s with great health, he’s also compensating for my being skinny throughout most of my 20s with being fat now. Last night when I stepped on the scale only to find I’d gained 3 pounds since I woke up from nothing but 1,200 calories and a 20-minute pedaling session, I was so bummed and so frustrated and even pissed! I thought God was supposed to help those who help themselves. Another general rule that doesn’t apply to me or what? When I saw what I saw, part of me wanted to starve forever and another part wanted to say, Ok, you want me big? As big as I can be? I’ll just run to the grocery store then and eat everything in sight! It is so discouraging and frustrating to work as hard as I have all for nothing. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have lost at least 10 pounds by now, and to know that I’ll eventually gain a ton of weight whether I eat 1000 calories a day or 2000 a day isn’t very comforting either. Yet it’s getting more and more obvious that that’s where I’m headed; to end up between 150-200 pounds no matter what. It’s like it’s an inevitable fate I can’t avoid. God wants me to be big. I’m drinking lots of water, having 1,200 calories a day, working out, eating a low-carb, high-protein diet, so what’s wrong? What more can I do if doing the “right” thing isn’t working? And why should I deprive myself of weekly treats if I’m only gonna get bigger anyway? I’d literally have to starve myself to keep my weight even right where it’s at right now. I have no rights to my own life and now no rights to my own body. And I’m supposed to think he’ll let me do dolls? It’s all about what God wants me to be and to hell with what I may want. Why don’t I just be a good girl, give him what he wants, up my calories to 1,500 a day and just let myself get as heavy as he sees fit? If I’m not meant to be thin again, then there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I’m meant to be heavy, then it’d be as much of a waste of time crying over it as it’d be to cry over my being short. No one can say I didn’t at least try. If people like Roseanne Barr can get through life on the heavy side, then so can I. There really isn’t anything I do now that I couldn’t do as a heavy person anyway, short of rocking out. I could work on the computer, I could read, I could watch TV, etc. I could even keep my muscles strong with the Bowflex and the pedaling. I’m tired of trying to be something I can never be. From now on, if I’m going to work really hard, I’d prefer it to be for something a little more achievable.

Later…

Those fucking dogs! It’s a good thing there wasn’t any garbage in the burn bin cuz they got into it again. I went and picked up the few pieces of tin foil they tore out and replaced the lid. A couple of dogs were barking by the pipes this morning till I shooed them off, too. One was a huge poodle!

Once we get to around noontime, it’s so beautiful out. Makes me glad I am in Arizona between then and sundown.

I was thinking more about this odd coincidence here with Mary getting sick. She’d probably be quicker to believe I did it than I would be. She’s the one who believes attitude affects things (yeah, that’s why I lost the weight I was so sure I was going to lose) and that it’s a mind-over-matter kind of life we live, unlike me who believes more in fate. There have been too many things I was negative about only to achieve positive results, and too many things I was positive about only to achieve negative results to say that attitude’s connected, though perhaps it’s different for everyone.

Anyway, I thought of a few test subjects with a wide variety, though I highly doubt it’ll work only because I still think I have to be pissed when I do it and pissed at the person I’m trying to curse if I can really do it at all. In other words, while I’m pissed at one person, I don’t think I can curse another. Also, although I am pissed at the people who are fucking with our house payments, I don’t think I can blindly place curses on people I don’t know. If that were the case, I just might send the whole damn world to hell! That’d surely keep them off my ass.

The test subjects, since I certainly don’t want to test someone I care about (although most people are like milk. Eventually they sour), are going to be whoever’s fucking with our house payments, the cheeks (we don’t hate him, but hey, we don’t like him either), and this warped lady rat that’s just sitting around wasting space and money cuz Tom just has to disagree with me and insist we keep her cuz I don’t want to.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2003 I remembered yesterday that I wanted more mugs from Webshots to replace my old, chipped cat/dog collection. I decided on a few more rat pictures and a mouse shot. Actually, it’ll be two different pictures side by side on a screen-sized background that I’ll upload when the time comes. Their mugs are $10 each for their 12 oz. mugs and I think I’ll get 4 of them. I’ll probably order them all at once too, which means I’ll get them in mid-March or sooner. Then that will be one more thing out of the way and I can concentrate on saving for dolls and clothes.

A nurse left a message yesterday with advice that wasn’t very helpful. Most of it is stuff I already know and do. She said the doc said to have 1,200 calories a day, drink more water, have low-carbs, try an over-the-counter stool softener he recommends (I didn’t bother writing down the name of it), and try Weight Watchers, too. Not a word about fiber.

I think I’ll just stay like I am for a while. My body wouldn’t be hanging onto its extra weight like this if it didn’t think it needed it. Besides, I could be a lot worse than I am, but like I said before, I’m pretty small and fit for a woman my age.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and I asked his opinion as far as what the doctor said. He says he thinks I should try the shit softener they recommend, and that maybe we can both join Weight Watchers. I wouldn’t mind the extra help of a program like WW, I had just thought it’d be even more appointments and a lot of money. However, they’re saying they’re not too expensive these days since you don’t have to buy their food, and you can do it online, so that’s the good point right there since not everyone can attend the meetings or wants to.

I also question just how complicated and or effective it may be and for how long. I mean, if things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig really work, then why aren’t we all skinny?

I finally had a full flow today along with major cramps.

I also asked Tom’s opinion on the mugs. I’ve got 4 mugs picked out, and I asked him if he thought I should get one at a time, two at a time, or all at a time, and he says one at a time, so I guess that’s the way I’ll do it. After all, they don’t have any shipping deals the more you order.

These damn rats, particularly Little Fella, have been rather leaky lately. I never had such territory markers before! It’s gotten to be rather bad. Every time I pick up Little Fella, especially after he’s been in the closet, he’s wet. He even marked Tom’s bed! He thinks he owns the whole house.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2003 I’m up a pound from last week to 127. Yeah, the diet’s going pitifully slow, and lately, I’ve barely been able to make any progress at all. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. It’s just too obvious. I can’t think of any reason other than to spite me that it would get in my way, but whatever it is, it’s definitely in my way.

I know slow progress is better than no progress, but I’d prefer the faster route. Especially since the general rule of slower weight loss not returning as easily doesn’t apply to me. I can gain it back just as quickly and as easily if I lose 1 pound a week, and having lost just 6 pounds in 4 weeks, I’m pretty close to that as it is.

What do you do when you’re doing everything right, but it still doesn’t seem to bring much in the way of results? I left a message at the doctor’s office, letting them know I’ve got my calories cut to 1000-1200 a day, I’m exercising regularly, I’m avoiding sugar and having very little starch, yet I’m stuck a lot and when I do go, it’s not much. I asked them if they could recommend something that wouldn’t add a substantial amount of calories to my diet, and Tom and I figured they’d probably tell me to take fiber supplements. The question is, will they work? Because if they don’t, nothing will.

On the flip side, I know I could look a lot worse than I do and that I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do. Today I wore the shorts I grew out of at 120 pounds over a year ago. If I weren’t working out like I am, I’d never be this size at 127 pounds. I’d be way bigger. So maybe I can keep getting fewer inches for the weight like I have been if I can’t ultimately lose any more weight. At this point, I’d settle for getting down to 110-115, which is what the doctor recommended in light of my muscle weight, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. Tom says that on a scale of 1 to 10, omitting my age, I’m about a 6 or 7 as far as my overall fitness level/appearance goes, and an 8 or 9 for my age.

I forgot to say that I got a kick out of Mary’s answer to Suzanne when she asked if she thought the experiences she’s been through have made her stronger and she said, “Yeah, ain’t that funny?”

And the experiences I’ve gone through have only made me want to isolate myself even more. Ain’t that funny too? If I never had neighbors again in my life it’d be too soon!

I checked on a map to see where Fort Myers is and it’s way down there on the Gulf side. Great location for hurricanes! I wonder just how much longer after the 7th she’ll be here?

Anyway, back to the diet thing; I really hope it is just a case of my needing fiber supplements. Somehow I doubt it’ll be that easy for me. Especially if I’m right in my belief about something up there trying to block me from doing what I’m trying to do. Even my periods are fouled up. I never got the period I was supposed to get, just spots. I’m not that late yet, though, so we’ll see.

The question is, is it cuz of something up there, or is it simply a lack of fiber? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Some would say God and or evil sources prevented me from being the singer I once wanted to be, and others would say, “No they didn’t. It wasn’t that you couldn’t sing or that something was out to get you. You just didn’t have the connections.” Same as the old baby dream. Some would say, “God and the devil didn’t stop you from conceiving, your husband did. After all, your fertility tests were fine. It was his infrequent cumming and his lack of desire to do anything about it that prevented you from conceiving.”

Anything’s possible, but I just don’t think so. I think God has his plans for all of us and that he sometimes uses others to control us, punish us, and achieve those plans. In other words, a normal sex life wouldn’t have changed destiny. It’s just that I can see it not being in my destiny to be a singer, to be a mom, and maybe not even a dollmaker, but not to lose weight? How can it not be in anyone’s “destiny” not to lose weight? If that’s the case with me then that just goes to show the extremes to which I’m controlled.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2003 Paula left a message saying she has to return to court on February 11th but didn’t say what for or anything else about it.

If this month finishes up without the cheeks stopping by, I’d say we’re looking at a 70% probability that he’ll never be back to bug me here. After I got the piss test out of the way I really felt like I’d finally reached the beginning of the end. I only hope I’m not kidding myself. You just never know when it comes to the law. They’re famous for throwing all kinds of curveballs at you.

His not showing up lately, though, does make sense. Tom thinks the main reason they do house calls is to see if you’re doing anything wrong, and while that may certainly be a factor, I think the main reason is to see if you’ve run. Any normal, reasonable PO would figure, well, she’s only got 9 months left out of a 30-month sentence, so why would she come this far just to run now?

I already made an order from Ashton-Drake with the first of my budget money, plus silver change I had saved up. Yesterday I was browsing through their site to see what was new and there I found a $20 bronze figurine of a gorgeous ballerina named Lily. It’s 10½ high and posed unlike any of my porcelain ballerinas.

Unfortunately, it has to go through the PO, but we might get a tracking link for it. Tom will check later. We had a choice of waiting 6-10 weeks for it, or for just $4 more, we could have it shipped within 6 business days, so we opted for that which would put it here on the 5th. As with any doll coming to the PO, though, I worry it’ll make it to me without a problem.

I actually got a little color on my chest the day I sat out while he worked on the trucks, and I tried to today, only I kept getting assaulted by flies.

I cannot believe how many dogs we’ve got running loose in this town! Especially where there are so few houses. If this 10-acre lot were in Phoenix, there’d be 60 houses on it. Most of the lots within a 10-mile radius of our house are 10-acre lots, so where are all these damn dogs coming from and why won’t anybody in this state other than Mary allow their dogs indoors? There were 4 of them yesterday that cut through a corner of the land, then Tom said a little dog strode on over the other day. Yesterday I saw a dog I’d never seen before, and today I spotted a little puppy!

Because it’s been a while, I decided to send Mom a quick note, thanking her for the Christmas money, telling her about the pedals we got, and other trivial things. I also told her that if the reason Mary hasn’t answered my email is that I may’ve offended her with the superimposed pictures of her I sent, then I’m sorry, though at the same time, I’m not. I’m sure she’ll understand that I wanted to teach her a lesson by giving her a taste of her own medicine because I’m sick of her offending me with my own pictures. I explained to Mom that in light of how often she’s used other people’s pictures for this or for that, I assumed it’d be okay to do the same with her pictures. On the other hand, one can only spend so much time trying to please others or else it’ll drive them crazy, as I’m sure she’ll also understand. If Mary’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so be it. I simply can’t spend my time worrying that the things I say/do might upset others, and this is the truth. My days of trying to please others are over within reason. I don’t normally set out to deliberately be a mean, compassionless person, as I told her, but I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s hurt feelings either if they don’t like something I do. As I’d tell anyone, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, cuz if I don’t like you, you bet I’m going to do all I can to do the same. With my husband the rules are different, and as I told Tom, as long as he loves me, the rest of the world can hate me for all I care. I can’t deal with fragile assholes like Mary. She’s just gotten to be way too moody, sensitive, and non-tolerant for my taste. I don’t know if this has to do with the freeloaders or not, but either way, I don’t care anymore! Nor will I care if Mom doesn’t understand my letter and decides to brush me off too, though I think she’ll understand just fine. I have a strong feeling Tom and I aren’t the only ones Mary’s driven crazy with the photo sessions. I mean, this is no hobby of Mary’s. This is literally a full-scale obsession. Just one look at her walls will tell you that as they’re literally covered with pictures, mostly of herself and her nieces. There’s barely any wall space free of pictures. I’m surprised the bitch hasn’t plastered her ceiling with them yet! Meanwhile, I spoke my mind and all I can continue to do is my best with people. That’s all anyone can do.

Later…

Okay, it’s definitely, definitely next door’s dogs that have been doing the bulk of the barking, and as I just proved to Tom, they do come barking onto the land, so there’s no defending, playing down or making excuses for them. He kept insisting he’s never seen the dogs on the land, but as I told him, just cuz he hasn’t seen them doesn’t mean I haven’t and that they don’t come over here cuz they do.

It appears that while they still have the small black dog, they now have a medium tan dog instead of a medium black dog unless I just haven’t seen the bigger black one. The tan one was just standing there a little beyond where the car is parked barking at us as we stood on the front steps. I first heard it barking from my office. The kid was out there too, at the edge of their property. He was just standing there dumbly, not even calling the dogs or anything.

Tom said he wondered if it was barking at the cat, though I didn’t see the cat that usually hangs out here, and like I told him, they seem to do it just to do it. They bark on and off from sunset to sunrise. It’s been horrible lately. They used to keep their dogs on their land, but those days are well in the past now. The dog was barking like it wanted to get someone’s attention over here too, looking expectantly at the front door, wagging its tail. Yesterday when I shooed it and the black one away from the front of the house, it was wagging its tail playfully, happy to see someone and to get attention. It’s obviously like most dogs out here, been cast outdoors as if it were old furniture, ignored and neglected.

I just wish we could get that fucking truck running and the place fenced! We’d still hear them, but not nearly as much.

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2003 Woke up at 125½. So I’m averaging about a two-pound drop each week. Still kind of slow, but at least the weight’s going.

The weather’s been gorgeous. I sat outside for a while yesterday. Today we’re supposed to have a record high of 82˚. I don’t know if I’ll bother sitting out, though, as white as I am.

Now I’m not sure if the nighttime or early morning barking I’ve been hearing is the renter’s dogs or next door’s. When I poked my head out the side door at 8:00 this morning, it sounded like they could be coming from Dan’s place. It’s been bad lately, that’s for sure. Hopefully, it’ll get better as the weather warms back up. We still may have a little ways to go, but I doubt we’ll have any more freezes.

Tom ordered a new cylinder head, but now, who knows how long it’ll be before the truck’s running, licensed and registered? We may not have to choose between fences and the kiln in the end. I mean, the choice may be made for us, cuz if the truck’s not running we can’t get the fences unless we have Dave haul them.

Tom has a cold for sure this time around, but as usual, I’ve escaped catching anything. However, I slept rather poorly last night as my allergies kept waking me up. That’s been happening a lot lately where I wake up unable to breathe out of my nose. Tom says I shouldn’t open the windows so much. It’s hard, though, not to want to take advantage of letting fresh air in here when it doesn’t smell like shit. You spend so much of the year being shut up cuz of the heat, that it’s nice when you can open windows.

Tom gave me the first of my allowance money, as I call it, so that way I can keep track of what I’ve got.

I had Tom pick me up white paper at the grocery store. It’s thinner, but not much of a bleeder because I’m using a laserjet. Ink tends to bleed through it more than powder does. I should be able to print Mary’s stuff back to back without a problem.

I went and printed out the ’98 and ’99 journals just because I’m so sick of the fine-tuning job. Besides, who cares how I wrote what 5 years ago? The sick freeloaders and the courts might care, but I don’t. I wrote what I wrote, how I wrote it, and so be it. Those days are over with.

I reorganized my radio stations, knocking off the rap station I had on my list. I’m just so sick of hearing about gangs and violence. They are what they’ve made themselves. That’s all I can say.

Last night I could’ve sworn I heard this soft knocking sound while Tom was in the shower and I was in bed reading, but neither of us saw anything suspicious.

Tom got a couple of toner cartridges from work that were leftover, so that’s good, although I shouldn’t be printing nearly as much stuff now. I’ll actually be printing more for Mary than myself. For myself, I’ll only be printing out my current and future journals. I’ll probably do printouts every 3 months.

Midge, one of Barbie’s friends, has a “pregnant” version of herself. I thought it was cool and different, but understandably, it turned out to be a controversial doll. The idea was to promote family, and that’s fine. But what about being single? What about being gay? What about being straight and childless? There are other lifestyles to consider and it’s just too stereotypical. If you’re going to promote one lifestyle, you should promote others as well.

I was kind of surprised to spot it online in the first place. After all, we’re living in a time when work is in and family is out.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2003 Tom and I sat down and discussed our new budget plans. We decided we should each get $15 every payday, which is twice a month, for spending money. We decided on $85 a week for groceries and that we’d split any leftover money. We’re also going to be setting aside money to save. We want to ultimately get $5,000 or so saved. His mom isn’t going to live forever, and should we need thousands of dollars like we did for the well, there’d be no one to run to for help once she’s gone.

So, we decided how much to set aside for various things. Maybe this can be an added incentive to lose more weight (I’m back to 126) as the more I save on food, the quicker I can get something.

I may not get any more colored paper for a while because white paper is so much cheaper. It’s $10 for 500 sheets of colored paper, yet for just $5 more I can get 1,500 sheets of white paper.

I was thinking I’d start with those $30 fairies from Ashton, then get a few fashion dolls, then probably save for some more Ashton dolls, since the HSC doesn’t have their dolls for nearly as long. For example, I know it’s no use to save for a $200 doll they may have that I like as it’d only be gone by the time I got the money saved. It’d take just about 7 months to save that much if I didn’t save on groceries along the way.

I finished the 1997 file.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2003 Yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day so I couldn’t resist strolling around the land. It was one of those days where it was rather warm in a T-shirt but too chilly for halters and things like that.

Since barbed wire is cheaper than grids, we talked about a barbed wire fence with closer gaps at the lower part of it to keep smaller dogs from getting through. We talked about having the bottom strand 6” off the ground, then an 8” gap between the first and second strands, then a 10” gap between the second and third, and a foot between the rest. If this doesn’t work, we’ll run a low-voltage wire around the base that will zap them away. Meanwhile, the big dogs, which are mostly what we’ve got running around loose here, couldn’t get in for sure.

I’m still not sure what I want first, that or the kiln.

Later…

The renters are making us feel anything but secluded today. Why must the most crowded rental be closest to us, huh? There are a ton of people out there right now. There’s got to be at least half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids. At least they’re quiet, though you can hear voices outside. Not surprisingly, the main attraction is the horse I still would’ve preferred them not to have gotten. They live their whole lives out front and at the right side of their place, the two sides exposed to us. Those in the other rentals probably can’t see them, though they no doubt can hear them. I appreciate the fact that they don’t play music for us, but still, why couldn’t a couple move in there who were out all day?

Right now someone’s running the horse round and round in circles again. I hope they don’t tame the horse so they can ride it. I don’t want them stealing even more of our privacy by cruising by the side and front of our house, even if they would be a couple of hundred feet away. I have a feeling, though, that if they really do end up being unhappy with this horse, they’ll just get one they can ride and be content with. They’re not going to just give up and waste the little corral they put up.

Tom says we’ll have oleanders and bougainvilleas blocking them out by the fall, but I don’t believe it.

He says that right now he’s going to see about getting the white truck running. I don’t believe that either, but if he’s able to, he’s going to begin making our new circular driveway we want in front and get the damn pipes covered for once and for all so no dogs can play with them as if they were these giant dog bones. Then, whenever we get the damn fences, which probably will be barbed wire, he’ll secure them with a cement covering so the monsoon’s hard rains can’t do what they did before and wash the dirt off of them.

Anyway, it’s another gorgeous, clean-smelling day out there so I’ve got the windows open.

I don’t think I can flip my schedule around in time for my dentist appointment on the 3rd, so I’ll be staying on days till after the 5th (the next freeloader day). I got up at 6 AM today and won’t let myself sleep later than 10:00 till then.

I just finished typing up a draft where Mary talks to one of Justin’s lawyers, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the hell Mary would bother. He’s her enemy. The shit cock appeared all sympathetic towards Mary, only to tell Suzanne he was going to basically turn right around and stab her in the back by saying that she did it as Justin’s defense. Yet he himself admitted Justin was crazy and guilty as hell. How can he do that and then go home and sleep at night? I just don’t get it. I mean, there are some very warped human beings in this world, that’s for sure, and I don’t see why Suzanne would even think of having Mary talk to any of Justin’s defense attorneys or pigs. None of them are on her side.

I feel almost as bad for Mary for the way she’s been treated since losing Gretchen, as I do for her for losing her in the first place.

And another crazy thing is that the judge won’t allow Mary to mention Gretchen’s name or Justin’s lunacy, saying the jury would automatically convict him of Gretchen’s murder out of prejudice if she did.

But that’s what they should do. He is crazy and he did kill her, so why should anything be done to hinder them from doing the right thing?

I always said judges were fucked up for a reason, didn’t I? They’re just as bad!

Anyway, the wind’s now blowing easterly, which means that standing by the open kitchen window, I can hear voices here and there, but with my office on the other side of the house, I can’t hear them in there. It’ll really suck when there’s a house across the way, cuz I know it’ll just have to be a big family, they’ll just have to live outdoors and in front, and someone will just have to be home 24/7.

Later…

I just shut all the windows to keep the smoke out of here. Yeah, they’re barbecuing back there now, and I swear there’s got to be half a dozen cars there. They’re about the rowdiest I’ve ever seen them, but fortunately, I still have yet to hear music from them. I wonder if it’s a special occasion or if this is going to be a regular occurrence, particularly on weekends? And are they going to be this active in the summer heat? They’re going to have to be out at least a little more often than they were last summer to feed and water the horse, which Tom said he saw someone riding. I didn’t see anyone on it yet myself, though.

Again, nothing could ever be as annoying as city noise out here, but if we did have a pool and a porch in back or towards the side where the master bedroom is, it would not be very peaceful, and we’d sure as shit have no privacy. Not without those hedges.

Anyway, there’s no music and they’re not just a few feet away, so I may as well get used to their presence cuz they’re not going away. Not anytime soon from what I can tell and vibe.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2003 I gained 4 pounds in just two days of eating. Although I haven’t had sugar yet this year, the bulk of what I ate was starch, so that’s almost as bad. If I’d eaten the same quantity/calorie amount, but in meat or veggies, I may not have gained so much back.

I realize now that no, the bike doesn’t have anything to do with the weight loss. After all, I always said that only a good old-fashioned diet can cause weight loss. The water pills do help, though.

Once again I’m asking myself if I want to continue on only to achieve something that can be so easily lost. It’s just that I could end up gaining hundreds of pounds if I eat whenever I’m hungry. Most people reach a maximum weight and settle into whatever they’re going to be as long as they won’t diet, but with me, there is no max. I’d just keep gaining and gaining. I wouldn’t gain 30, 40, 50 pounds like most people, then just stop.

Maybe, with the aid of the water pills, I’ll get down to 105 as originally planned and bounce between that and 110. Meaning, I’ll take two days a week off, then spend the rest of the week working off whatever I gained from my days off. I can’t just get down to 105 and expect to stay there unless I diet every single day for the rest of my life and never take a day off which is simply not going to happen.

The truck’s both better and not better. It’s running much more smoothly now, but it’s smoking way too much. Tom’s not only worried it’ll flunk inspection, but that a pig will pull him over before he could even get there, and you know you can’t even go a block without running into a cruiser. It’s going to cost us another $300 for the parts needed to make it run more clearly. Tom insists it won’t keep costing us a few hundred every few weeks/months, saying that the thing has only so many parts anyway. He says we can probably use it for hauling things for many years to come.

I forgot to mention that Scot won the Probation Officer of 2001 award. When I saw the plaque on his office wall, I nearly laughed out loud. I mean, what did he win it for? For being so serious most of the time? For being overly by the book? For going bald and covering it with a baseball cap every day of his life?

I wonder if the black bitch ever fears me (for real) and wonders if I’m going to do anything after October, or if jail really got me off her ass for good? Then again, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. There’ll never be any justice in this case and we all know it. She and her cronies fucked me over, they got away with it, and so be it. They won, I lost, and there’s not a damn thing I can ever do about it. All I can do is use what I’ve learned and apply it to the batch of sickos that may move in and fuck with us from properties closest to us in the future, which means we’d move. There’d be nothing to say or do but move anyway, cuz nothing we said or did would help us or change anything.

The things that we went through in Phoenix versus out here tells me that although we were cursed in both places, we were cursed for different reasons. With the freeloaders, it was simply to punish us in a place we were stuck in. There was no way out at the time. We couldn’t simply up and move from there anytime we wanted to or else we’d have moved much sooner than we did. It wanted us to stay right where we were and to have to sit and listen to next door’s shit.

Here, though, it wants us out. It’s pissed we came here and the troubles we’ve had here seem to be mainly punishment for moving. Especially the part where I’m forced to leave here for half a year.

Our latest punishment for moving here is that the bank that deals with our loan/mortgage is demanding we pay a couple hundred more bucks each month. That puts it from $850 to $1,050. Although Tom says we could afford to pay as much as $1,100 a month, he’s fighting it because one, it’s not fair, and two, they’re breaking a legally binding contract.

To back up a bit, Tom had told me he was trying to get extra money from the bank and that they were ripping us off with the payments, and not to bother answering out-of-area calls, which I normally don’t anyway as 9 out of 10 times they’re sales calls.

Then, after Tom left for work yesterday afternoon, I went out to feed the prairie dogs (which really are ground squirrels, even though I still call them prairie dogs). When I turned around to go back in the house, I found a 2-page legal document taped to the door.

The document looked a little scary to me what with the paragraph that talked about auctioning off our house on March 26th. I paged Tom immediately, and he assured me that he’d have it all worked out in a couple of weeks and that there was no chance of us losing the house, not that I don’t have mixed emotions about moving anyway. Meaning, it wouldn’t be the end of the world as long as we stayed out of the city and never again lived in a 50-year-old 1400-square-foot dive.

When he got in this morning, he explained it to me in full, telling me of all the different options we have. As he said, he initiated this because he knew we were getting ripped off, and all they’re trying to do is bully him around a bit in hopes that he’ll cave in and just allow them to keep ripping us off, but he says he won’t, and that if it came down to it, we’ll take them to court. However, the reason he doubts it’ll come to that is that the bank wouldn’t want the bad publicity it’d bring over a couple of hundred bucks a month. As it is there’s a class-action suit against the bank for not paying their employees overtime like they did with Tom. He thinks they’ll be willing to settle out of court, though, and while they may not back the payments back to the $850 they’re legally supposed to be, he thinks he can get it down $100.

It all makes us all the more wish we could strike it rich, dump society altogether and just go live on the ocean for the rest of our lives, only docking every few months for supplies and to shop for fun stuff. Since that’s not likely, I find myself thinking more of a house in the woods somewhere. It’s not that I’m unhappy here. Not by a long shot. This isn’t Phoenix, we don’t have freeloading assholes next to us who can’t sit still and shut up, I do love this house; it’s just that the freeloaders know we live here, even if that probably doesn’t mean anything, and I don’t like the openness. As I told Tom, though, no place we could live could ever be as bad as Doe and Art’s, Brattleboro, Valleyhead or Estrella, and we’d always have each other. Also, I know each place we could live would have its pros and cons, so it kind of balances things out anyway.

Tom told me that on his way to work, before I discovered the papers on the door, some guy was outside with court papers, claiming it was about a foreclosure on someone else’s house.

“Then what would he be doing here?” I asked Tom this morning. “See, I think he was shitting you because he didn’t want to have to deal with handing you the papers personally and then have to deal with your reaction. Besides, I never heard a knock on the door. That alone tells me he saw you were leaving, watched the house from wherever then came back in when you were gone.”

I wonder if the old guy looking for this other guy was connected to this but at that hour?

Why, oh why, though, are we such a magnet for rip-offs?! I mean, I know everyone gets taken advantage of, but it seems we really are one of the extremes. When it comes to being ripped off, leaks, and things breaking, we’re way ahead of most people.

The question we’ve been asking ourselves is, should we get the fence or the kiln first? If I still had two or more years of probation, I’d definitely opt to do the fence first, but now I don’t know. Yes, I’d like to keep dogs off our property and make it a real nuisance for people to bug us, but I really want to get on with the dollmaking once and for all, too.

Mary sent me some book drafts and some sexual fantasies to type up, along with a quick note saying her book looks great, she’ll be sending stamps soon and that Suzanne secured an order for her to be allowed to be at Justin’s sentencing hearing. Then after that, there’ll be an extradition hearing. Why she needs to be at the sentencing hearing when someone can always tell her what the sentence was, and why there needs to be an extradition hearing, beats me.

Since putting air fresheners in the car doesn’t last long, I think I’ll take the remaining two Vanillaroma fresheners and stick one in here and one in the master bath.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2003 We were in and out of Scot’s in a flash, then it was off to a rather fun day.

Instead of going to the dollar store and the grocery store, we went to Office Max and Walmart, though we did stop for lunch as planned. He got a burger and fries and I got the Chinese I’d been craving for eons. I probably shouldn’t get it again too soon as their portions are huge. I only ordered a side of pork fried rice and some shrimp egg foo young, yet I’ve got enough food here to last a few days!

The food bumped me back up a pound. I thought it’d be two pounds, but see how easy it would be to undo all I’ve done? It’s just that I couldn’t undo it as quickly as I could if I weren’t pedaling.

We went to Office Max so Tom could check out chairs, but he didn’t find any he really liked.

At Walmart, we got a lot of stuff for the car, including fuzzy leopard car seat covers and carpet for the floor.

For me, I got a few bushels of flowers each for a buck (a couple with pink roses and one with irises). I got raspberry-scented bubble bath with Rapunzel Barbie’s picture on it (I guess she’s a really popular Barbie right now). I got a 3-pack of flavored lip gloss, a sports bra, and some really cool gold glittery lip gloss. It’s the most glittery I’ve had yet.

Lastly, for just a few bucks I got a Barbie nightgown for Chris that ended up on Jade. It wouldn’t quite cover the soft part of Chris’ legs because the gown was cut higher at the sides. Jade’s jacket fits Chris just fine, but her pants were too short, so I took an old jumpsuit of mine (a combination of t-shirt/shorts) and cut it above the waistband. These made the perfect shorts for Chris, only I had to pin them in back as they were a bit large on her. It looks like she’s got culottes on, actually, and the jacket covers the pinned waist, though it’d be hard to see anyway with the way she’s sitting on the loveseat.

For now, Jade’s pants will wait for someone new to wear them.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2003 I was surprised when Tom came home without any mail from Mary. It makes me wonder if she moved already.

We were also surprised to receive the new carburetor in the mail. Tom thought he was going to have to pick it up in person.

Today’s a freeloader day. Gotta go report, hope I’m in and out without incident, then it’s off to the dollar store, the grocery store, and for some Chinese take-out. Today will be a good test to see just how easily I gain the weight back using the bike (I call it a bike, even though it’s not literally a bike). I woke up at 126 even. I have a feeling that had I not taken water pills yesterday and a couple of days ago, I would still be struggling to get under 128.

I can’t believe how easy the bike is, yet so effective! I can very easily do 30-60 minutes a day. Never again will I use that boring, clanky, back-breaking rower or that boring treadmill. The bike’s definitely the best. I can watch TV while I use it and actually hear it or I can read. And all without straining my back, killing my feet, or jarring my knees and ankles like jogging. Also, I get a good workout that’s not too kick-ass. You should have an elevated heartbeat that’s comfortable and not feel like your heart’s going to explode.

I decorated my inhalers yesterday by printing out a few floral pictures I taped around them.

Tom suggested I just go ahead and print journals on one side of each page, and I think that’s what I’ll do.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2003 Woke up again at 126½. Looks like I’m going to be stuck today too, so I’ll probably take a water pill. I’m close enough to my period to do so anyway. It’s just that the shit makes me a little drowsy.

Tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on Chinese so I may end up putting back most of what I lost. That’s how easily set back I can be.

Thanks to the freeloaders, Tom had to go to work last night. He got in a short while ago and crashed. He’s got to be back at work earlier today. Like at 4 PM. Then he’ll sleep from about 2 AM – 8 AM, then we’ll leave for Casa Grande at 9:00.

I just hope things will be okay from here on out, but again, 9 months seems a bit long for something not to come up. Wouldn’t it just be oh so wonderful, though, if I could know that from here on out my only burden was to make sure I was on schedule for reporting every other week and that was it? Well, I don’t know if it’ll be that simple from here on out, but at least I don’t have to report at a set time as that would only make it much harder and more stressful. To think that I might only have to see Scot’s face just 18 more times after tomorrow is just wonderful! Nothing against Scot. It’s just that he’s connected to the freeloaders, so naturally, he makes me think of them. Anytime I see or think of Scot, I remember the freeloaders. They go hand in hand just like with the K and even Teddy Bear. Thinking of and remembering the freeloaders is something I do well enough on my own without any connection reminders for help.

The freeloaders also put a hold on Mary’s mail which I almost dread getting. It’s like, how many favors you got for me this time around?

At least the freeloaders gave me a day off from the cheeks. Then again, it’s hardly a “day off” when you don’t expect him in the first place. If he doesn’t come by March, then I’ll start to seriously think that the home visits were truly over as of last August. If only I’d know it, if that’s really the case, as that would’ve eased a lot of the stress. On the other hand, like God would do anything to help ease my freeloader-related stress? Yeah, right!

Tom said he was working on dealing with the bank, cuz he suspects they’ve been ripping us off by having us pay more per month than we’re supposed to.

Why must everyone use us at will and rip us off? Huh? Why do people love to take advantage of us so damn much? Are we that easy? Do we look like these vulnerable, gullible suckers or something or does this happen to everybody? I don’t know about that. I mean, it really seems like we’re the extremes in this case.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be rather boring and predictable. And of course, what’s a series after 1990 without childbirth in it? It’s just so old! Besides, I may not have wanted a kid for about 5 years now, but still, I don’t need to see this shit and risk rekindling old desires. Wanting a kid you can’t have is the ultimate torture, the worst thing God can do to a woman. He may have a lot of people fooled as to what he really stands for, but I see right through him. I don’t care how crazy it sounds; I know he’s a mean and vengeful God. I don’t see him punishing me with that all over again once the freeloaders are out of my life, but how convenient that’d be since there’d be no one too close to sic on me. It’s a scary thought too, and as the end of this 7-year nightmare gets closer, the more I wonder – what’ll it be next? What will he whip my ass with next, other people, financial problems, health problems, or will I fall into a deep depression of some kind for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine at this time?

Actually, for me the absolute worst thing he could do, if he ever decided to hate me that much, and luckily I don’t think he does, would be to have Tom killed, be it in a car wreck, an illness, etc. If he really knows all, though, then he would know that killing him meant killing me as I’d be right up to join my husband in a heartbeat!

Oh, I have more shitty news to add to the list too, and that’s that they’re no longer going to make stock options available to employees at the bank. That really sucks big time. Next January, we might be able to make one last sell-out, but that will be it.

Lisa turned 20 yesterday. I couldn’t care less about everyone else, but I’ll always wonder about Lisa. At this point, she’s still probably quite naïve, with still many years ahead of misery, loneliness and cigarettes. I wonder, though, did she get out of the house? And if so, how did she get out, where did she go and what’s she doing?

Guess I’ll go proofread now. I’m less than a month away from quitting smoking and I don’t even know it. Not a clue! About two more years to go too, before the freeloaders switch from being a visual/audio part of my life to a financial/steal-my-freedom part of my life.

Later…

Oh, that damn laser jet! It’s all well and good and all that, but I get so many paper jams. Particularly when doing flipsides of pages. It makes me wonder if when printing journals I should print on only one side of the paper, do the flipside with the inkjet, or quit printing journals altogether.

I just had an idea. I’ll go and print ’03 at the end of the year on one side of the paper, then I’ll flip the pages upside down and over and do ’04 on that side. During the year, the paper will have time to settle out flat.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2003 God help the freeloaders’ neighbors today, whoever they may be. The shit I went through with them makes me wonder if they’re just as rude as they were to us, or if this has caused them to settle down a bit, but I doubt it. I don’t think they’re capable of getting along with others and being considerate of those around them. I think they live in their own little obnoxious world and to hell with who may have to deal with it. Besides, why should they worry about neighbors who complain about them when they know they can get them thrown in jail?

I was thinking about that and their pig pal. Both Tom and I agree that judging by the way they were carrying on in court, they are friends. However, there are a few things that just don’t add up. If they’re really buddy-buddies, then why didn’t the pig come after me when the default warrant was issued? And why didn’t he book me the day he dragged me to the station? And why, when asked something about sending forms pertaining to me to the DA or filing them, did he say to file them? These are the only things that don’t make sense to me.

I’m just so sick of blacks, Mexicans, and all the problems they add to our already fucked up society. If they’re really “just like us,” then why are the bulk of them the jobless criminals that they are? I don’t buy it when they claim they can’t get decent jobs cuz of discrimination. Some might really get discriminated against, but for the most part, they use that and the past as a crutch, an excuse to just sit on their lazy asses. They are what they make themselves to be.

And when are we ever going to have equal rights? When can we have our white TV channels and our white beauty pageants like they can have their black this and black that without being called racists?

I really think we should go back to segregation. I mean, the idea of mixing used to be wonderful to me, but now that I see all the controversy and turmoil it causes, I think we’d be asking for less trouble if we segregated ourselves. You simply can’t order everyone to get along with each other. There are always going to be groups who hate other groups. The Arabs hate the Jews who hate the blacks who hate the Hispanics who hate the Indians, etc., and like it or not, this is the way it’s always going to be. Fortunately, though, you don’t have too many states pushing so hard at deseg like Arizona does. Tom says it’s just the opposite and that this state’s got one of the highest prejudice rates there is, but if that’s the case, then why is everyone running around kissing their asses out here, which of course, is sending the wrong message? All it’s doing is saying to minorities is, “It’s okay to pick on whites or to do this or to do that cuz this state will let you get away with it due to your color.”

I woke up at 126.5 and I was stuck yesterday, too. The question is, how much of it is real weight-loss, versus water loss? I did take a water pill yesterday. Nonetheless, maybe I really can lose a decent amount of weight. I’ll just be doing it in slow motion and could still be dieting in June at the rate I’m going, but I guess I don’t mind the wait. Slower is better than never at all.

Tom says that for my age I look fine, but if I were 17, I’d be chunky.

And if I’d had kids I’d be considered anorexic, since pregnancy leaves 90% of women much heavier than they were beforehand, and they almost never lose the weight, either. I guess that’s another reason to be glad kids weren’t meant to be or else I probably would be stuck in the 140s, 150s or maybe even higher. You usually gain 50-60 pounds during pregnancy and you only lose about 20 upon delivery. What’s left over is yours to keep.

Anyway, I started at 133 and my goal is to get to 105. When I get to 118, which will be right around the halfway mark, I’ll have Tom take another picture. 118 still seems worlds away!

I asked Tom if he thought I’d still be skinny if I were still alone, broke and smoking, and he said no. I don’t know, though. It’s just that upon reading back, the weight gain does seem to be more connected to quitting smoking than to age. I quit smoking at about 108. Just 4 months later I was 125 and ever since then, nothing’s been the same. Losing weight hasn’t been nearly as easy as it used to be. I doubt I’d have remained around 100 pounds all my life had I been able to keep on smoking, but I don’t think I’d be nearly as big as I am today.

If only I didn’t have asthma and if only a pack of cigarettes were the 75¢ they used to be when I started smoking in – what year was it – 1979?

Anyway, technically I’m down nearly 10 pounds since I did peak at 136. It’s just that by the time the actual diet began, I had slipped down a few pounds.

It must’ve been colder today cuz the heat came on before midnight. Usually, it doesn’t come on till between midnight - 1 AM. It took almost till 2 AM to kick on the other day.

I wish the AC was temperature-sensitive like the heat is, but it’s not. In order to have it comfortable in the daytime, it’d be a freezer in here at night if I didn’t adjust it, and in order to have it comfy at night, it’d be an oven in here during the daytime. It has a mind of its own. In the summer I set it to not come on till it gets up to 82°, yet it goes and kicks in 78°.

Although lots of fun, neither rat goes into the kitchen, making it easier to let them play unsupervised. Those that traveled down to the den and up onto the couch were the ones I had to really watch to keep them from tearing up the couch like Houdini and Little Buddy did.

I’ll be watching Charlie’s Angels in a few hours. What a show that was! Back in those days you rarely had blacks in the picture, and the subject matter wasn’t nearly as depressing as it is now. Back then it was petty crooks, swindlers, scammers, blackmailers, extortionists and murderers (usually amongst business partners). Today it’s all about race, poverty, gangs, child abuse, child molestation, domestic violence and crack whores having crack babies.

I guess they felt that addressing these sickening issues would help curb them, but they obviously thought wrong. People felt that doing this and making stiffer penalties would curb crime but people just don’t understand how invincible criminals think they are. Most criminals are as sure that they’ll never get caught as they are that the sun will rise and set, so no amount of threat of stiff punishment’s gonna stop them.

Earlier I heard the faint traces of bass, and the nighttime dog-barking is still worse than ever.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2003 Paula called again this morning, and although I heard the phone ring, I didn’t feel like gabbing with her. Being the weekend, she’d want to prattle on for hours. Besides, we just spoke and God knows I can stand to talk to that flake only so often! She sure is funny, though.

I wonder how much of a pest Mary will be when she’s free. If she can be a demanding pest at times locked up, I’d hate to see how she’ll be on the outs. I’m afraid she’ll want to be here constantly to use the computer/printer, but if I have to put my foot down about that, I will. Hopefully, us living where we live won’t make it all that convenient for her to bug us too often anyhow.

I’m slowly rolling back around to days, so if Scot is anywhere near, I’ll be ready for him. Let’s see, so far there’s been 11 visits which took place on 6/18/2001, 7/25/2001, 8/15/2001, 9/13/2001, 1/7/2002, 1/24/2002, 2/13/2002, 3/14/2002, 5/13/2002, 6/24/2002 and 8/8/2002.

I was surprised to weigh 128, two pounds lighter than I woke up at, towards the end of my day and with being stuck again, but then I remembered I took a water pill earlier.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2003 Up to 2,701 album views, half of which are of my pictures. Another doll shot download, too.

Paula called too, and left a message saying they moved her court date up to May, though she’s still going in on the 23rd. Sounds like the 23rd is a pretrial hearing or something, and May will be her actual sentencing day.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading now. I’m up to mid-’97. I’m right at the point where the black bums start slamming car doors like crazy and when they got the dog to torment me with after I hauled off at them for basing me out at 6:30 in the morning. Just a couple months away from when they took it out of the back yard one night and tied it to the Jeep’s fender in the carport so it’d be right smack outside our windows, and when she came screaming at our door. Oh, why didn’t I beat the shit out of her then?!?! She had a lot of nerve too, coming to our door and telling me to shut up. Then even more nerve to tell me she was sick of my shit when she and her sick associates were the ones dishing it.

Anyway, it was too obvious that they got the dog just to use it against me, and I remember that I not only felt sorry for the dog but how grateful I was the day the housing people caught her with it and made her get rid of it. That must’ve pissed her the fuck off big time, too.

The question is, how is she gonna feel in a little over 9 months from now when she no longer has any kind of a hold on me?

This time period was also when I began to realize that it takes a lot more than shared blood to make a family. All the years of abuse I took from my family began to have an accumulative effect on me, causing years of simmering emotions to boil over.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2003 Tom went back to bed shortly after the knocker left. Especially since he has to leave for work at 4 PM today for a meeting.

I hope Paula gets the doll’s dress before the 23rd in case she really does go to jail.

The freeloaders are giving us Monday off. Yeah, it’s MLK Day, so no cheeks that day.

I’m feeling once again like the dollmaking thing is just another joke on me, like it’s never going to happen. Too many things keep coming up to prevent it which tells me something right there. Well, I’ll just do what I said before and forget about it if we still don’t have the kiln come summertime. I’m not going to make the same mistake I made in the past by struggling for things that aren’t meant to be.

Although at only 100 DPI, I went and scanned every picture of Mary’s I have. She has a total of 40 pictures which I’ll burn onto a CD for her once she’s out. I hope she gets her own PC and printer! She certainly could use it. As soon as my PC is upgraded and equipped with a burner of its own, I’ll be making Paula a CD of pictures and journals. That is, after I edit the hell out of them, of course.

Later…

Yesterday, Tom slept longer than I’ve ever known him to in the near-decade we’ve been together. He says the diet’s making him tired. I was tired too, when I first started dieting. I’m now 128 and amazingly regular. Funny thing is, though, I’ve been eating more. Like 1,200 cals. Maybe it really does take twice as long and is twice as hard to diet alone, and maybe the diet and exercise combined really are helping, so I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it a little while longer. I still don’t think I’ll get to 105-110, and I still want a Chinese buffet break on Wednesday when we go to see the cheeks like we planned (he’ll make his own stop for American food).

Think I’ll go download some nature sound MP3s, like rainstorms, birds, wind chimes, oceans, brooks, waterfalls, etc. The wind sounds suck. They sound too much like a swarm of bees.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2003 Wow, I just got a letter from Mary dated the 24th and postmarked the 27th! Don’t know why it took nearly 3 weeks to get to me. That happens sometimes, I guess.

At this time she thought she was going to be there till the summer and asked for two copies of her drafts along with her astrology, saying she’d mail them to herself in Florida the day before she left Estrella, but I take it that she wants me to just wait and send the stuff to Florida, seeing that she’s leaving next month (unless there are more delays).

She still expects to be released in 2004 or 2005 at the max. I hope so! And I hope she really isn’t on intense probation for too long, but like I’ve said before, you can’t count on or trust the law to come through for you. I’m sure she knows this by now, though. She’s not stupid.

She says Virginia, who killed her drug dealers, is worse than Hope, but at least gets her own commissary.

She doesn’t yet know why José is in jail.

I sent her a couple of pictures of Chris, one face shot, one full body shot, and a few drawings I did years ago. She asked to see them which was nice. I sent her a person, dogs, and a colored drawing of a cat surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

I’m back to 129, but since I doubt I’ll shit for 2-3 days, I’m sure I’ll gain a pound or two back. I felt so teased earlier. I felt like I had to take a dump, but as soon as I sat on the toilet, the feeling was gone as quickly as it had come. All I can do is just eat sensibly and exercise regularly. It all goes to prove, though, that no, attitude is not always connected to the outcome. I was sure I’d lose the weight, yet I couldn’t, just like I was sure I could never quit smoking, yet I did.

I’m in mid-1997 with the proofreading, and right before the folks visited, I wrote that I had a feeling it was to be our final meeting. I sure got that one right!

I also wrote that I was struggling between being angry at his mom for using him and feeling guilty about complaining about it, but now I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for how I felt, and I shouldn’t have felt guilty back then, either. She did a terrible thing. She stole my husband from me, ran him ragged, and milked us of a lot of money. Why shouldn’t I have felt any hard feelings just because she might have done us a favor or two in return? She still used the shit out of my husband and took his attention away from me when I needed it more. I also think Tom should’ve realized what was going on a lot sooner than he did and put an end to it sooner, but he could never be nearly to blame as much as his mother. She knew that because he was so kind and generous, he’d have a hard time saying no.

The last mouse died today, so no more mice for a while. Next time, though, they’ll have all new cages and accessories.

In better news, the stock did sell yesterday, after all, for just under $1,500. I still don’t know what I’ll get for my next doll order or when, since we still have to get the damn carburetor so the truck can be up and running, then get the fences. We don’t know for sure how much the fences will cost, but I vibed $450.

There are a couple of really nice HSC dolls I’d like, but one of them is a 750-piece limited edition, and the other’s 750-piece closed edition, so by the time we get the extra money, they’ll probably be gone. In that case, I’ll just get the fashion dolls I want, but I’m pretty sure at this point that I won’t be bothering with Ashton-Drake.

I looked, and there is a fourth Playboy doll that will soon be available (I don’t know why they have her listed as the third in the series) named Ava Fabian. She’s a brunette and is going to be wearing Playboy’s original bunny suit.

I can’t believe that of the first four dolls, they’re all white. Especially what with the way everything’s so mixed. I mean, you can’t even find one TV series, one movie, or one commercial without a black in it these days, and Asians too, of course.

I finally spoke with Paula. Of course, she had to call when Charlie’s Angels was on, but oh well. She called at 5:30 her time, saying it was 10° and that there were two feet of snow. Naturally, I rubbed in our beautiful weather, although it is quite cold at night. Especially out here where there’s not nearly as much concrete to hold the heat in. While it can get up to 70° during the daytime, it can get down to the high 20s at night.

Paula says she goes to bed at 9 PM and gets up at 5 AM every day, and is her same old self. The conversation was the usual; about the losers she hangs with. If ever there was a woman attracted to abusive men, it’s got to be Paula B. She’s worse than my sister was. It’s sick. It really is. But more so, it’s sad. I can see a guy being attracted to an aggressive woman only because most guys, unlike most women, don’t have much self-respect. This is crazy, though. Totally crazy. She talks of how Miguel, her current PR of choice, put stitches in her head and about how she’s going to trial (she pled not guilty) on the 23rd for slugging him, yet says they’re still the best of buddies. She said she doesn’t want to dump him because he and Justin grew close, but that’s crazy. Any man that can beat a woman can beat a child too, and they should not be allowed near either one. Especially a child who cannot fight back.

Maybe he could, though, because according to Paula, my predictions for Justin getting into all kinds of trouble are already ringing true. He pulled a knife on a fellow student, so she says, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Any kid who grows up with an aggressive mother whose millions of boyfriends are abusive is almost guaranteed to end up violent and in trouble with the law constantly. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Justin ultimately ended up in prison for years. I hate to say it, but it’s what I see plain as day.

She asked me if I saw her having to do 90 days, which is what she says she’ll get if she loses the trial, and at the time I didn’t see anything, but afterward, once we’d hung up and I’d had a chance to concentrate on it in silence, I did feel a slight vibe saying that she is going to jail. Sorry girl!

Then she says she may have to do an additional 30 days for getting caught driving without a license, something she never bothered to get, for reasons I can’t fathom.

Every other time we talk she says it cracks her up that Tom and I don’t sleep together.

Now, how can that crack someone up? I mean, what’s so funny about it? It may be odd, but funny?

She’s one funny lady, though, that’s for sure. Let’s see… she wants to send Tom a carburetor cuz they’re cheaper there and claims that the FBI hung up her phone when we were accidentally disconnected. She reminds me of Ellie!

I finally, after 6 months, found out what she thinks of the dolls. She says she likes and kept them all, though she hasn’t got them set up cuz she needs shelves.

Meanwhile, I’m sending her an extra dress that will fit a couple of the tall dolls which I can’t imagine ever having a use for. I told her that after that, though, I wouldn’t send anything else to her unless she contacted me saying she wasn’t in jail. I don’t want to be sending stuff her ditzy associates may not remember to give to her once she’s out.

Anyway, she’s at the end of the year’s probation she got for slugging that pig. I still can’t believe she got a year of probation for slugging a pig while I got half a year in jail, plus 2½ years of probation over a fucking letter! But then again I can because life’s so unfair.

What’s sad is that Paula’s the kind who’ll never get anyone decent, not that that’s an excuse to take just anything she can get. It’s just that the more stable people are going to see Paula as not good enough for them. I’ve walked in her shoes before. Back when I was young, naïve, mixed up and too nice, all I’d get were assholes. Those who had their shit together and who were more mature basically looked down on me, knowing they were too good for me at the time.

Later…

That was scary. Really utterly terrifying! I was playing with the rats. Tom was still in bed. Suddenly, there was a knock on the utility door. Whenever I hear a knock at the door I think – black bitch! Especially when 90% of the knocks have been connected to them.

I ran and opened Tom’s bedroom door, flipped on the light, and woke him up with the news. He asked me what my vibes were and I said I didn’t have any bad ones. Nonetheless, against my better judgment, he went out and checked after the third knock to find an old white guy looking for some guy.

Later he went out to look around and came back saying that it sounded like he was going door to door, judging by the way the dogs were going off, but dogs go off around here a lot lately, so I don’t know. I guess he was harmless.

I should’ve figured it wasn’t black-related, though, since the pigs have always preferred to come to the front door and only in the daylight. The cheeks, who also uses the front door, wouldn’t come at this hour to a client on standard probation.

“You also shouldn’t have turned on the light or walked as noisily,” Tom said, which is true.

Although few and far between, I can’t wait for the fences that will stop these casual visitors, or at least make it a bitch for them to bother us.

Fortunately, I still don’t have any bad vibes, but if there’s going to be any more trouble, I still say it won’t be till before or after 10/30. It’ll depend on how the freeloaders feel. Not being in the same county helps, but will they feel they “got me” and so be it? Or will their little victory of 2000 go to their heads, making them feel invincible and like they can do anything to me and get away with it (not that there wouldn’t be a grain of truth to that)? Sometimes abusing others can be a real addiction for some people.

The so-called easy diet hasn’t been so easy lately. For the last few days, I’ve felt as if nothing could fill me up. Like I could eat a ton of food and still be hungry. I can’t lose weight anyway, so I may as well eat when I’m hungry. I’m not going to make a pig of myself and eat for the hell of it, but I see no sense in going hungry anymore for no reason at all.

Mary was right when she said the clip I received today would be painful. The sick fuck I’d love just 5 minutes with, broke James’ arm when he was around two. As I told her, I know all too well the agony of a broken arm, and where the hell was God throughout all of it? Nowhere! He just didn’t give a damn, did he? I still can’t understand how she can worship something that allowed all this and so much more to happen! After considering all she and her kids have been through, doesn’t it ever make her wonder if perhaps she’s kidding herself by telling herself that God wants her to be happy and that he doesn’t want her to suffer? I mean, if he never wanted her to suffer, then who did and why didn’t he intervene?

And how the hell could she stay with Justin one second longer? I mean, what was she thinking?! Of all the dumb things I’ve done, not even my dumbest of all judgment calls comes close to how dumb she was to have put up with his shit for as long as she did. She had people she could’ve gone to. Some people may be truly stranded with no place else to go, but she had people she could’ve run to, and if she didn’t, I’d rather be homeless on the streets than live with such abuse!

Just what was she thinking? That he’d one day be a prince who treated her and her kids with the utmost love and respect? Please! How could it take one abused kid and one dead one to realize just what she was dealing with??? I’m sure Murphy and Andrew were abused, too. I don’t know who’s worse, her or Paula.

The woman prosecuting Justin in the James case asked Mary the same thing most people have undoubtedly wondered – why didn’t she leave? Mary’s answer to that was that she was too scared to because he threatened to kill her, her family, and her friends, but I don’t buy it. Oh, I don’t doubt she was scared. It’s just that as I’ve said a million times over, actions speak louder than words. Most people don’t act on their threats, and it just seems to me that it’d be a worthy gamble to take by breaking away despite the threats, rather than stick around and risk getting killed. I’d take my chances and leave as you’re a lot more likely to get killed by an abusive person than without them. If you break away from an abusive person, things can only get better, but if you stick around, there’s no hope for any change.

Anyway, in case I haven’t yet said so, Andrew and James were adopted and Murphy lives with her aunt Carolyn.

Another thing is that there is a huge difference between Mary and Paula, and that’s that Mary realizes she fucked up and has learned from it. Paula’s 35 years old and she still doesn’t get it. To quote from Mary’s own words; she lives in torment and regrets the fact that she let her fear of a man get in the way of doing right by her kids.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2003 Tom left a message that I got when I woke up this afternoon saying he messed up his diet by stopping at Whataburger, he has a bad belly, never wants to eat again, and will be getting up late.

He didn’t go to bed till early afternoon as he was keeping an eye on the stock. Guess we didn’t sell any today or else he’d have added that to his message.

After browsing through the HSC’s extensive doll section, I find myself leaning more and more toward forgetting about the Ashton dolls. They’re nice, but at the HSC I can get dolls that are much bigger at a more reasonable price. We’ll see, though.

I wasn’t surprised I was able to shit yesterday, seeing that the day before I had something like 1600 calories, but since I had about 850 yesterday, I was surprised to shit today, but I did.

I’m 130 pounds. To lose 3 pounds in two weeks is pitiful. I know some say it’s better to go the slow way, but I think losing 3-5 a week would’ve been more reasonable. That’s just not going to happen, though, slow or fast. I’m heavy and that’s that. This is the way I’m meant to be or else I wouldn’t be this way. Rather than drive myself crazy by trying to be something I can’t be, I may as well accept it and learn to live with it.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2003 Chris came a half-hour ago. She’s just so-so. Not bad, not great. Her eyes do look realistic enough, and the doll itself is lovely, but her head’s a bit droopy, she’s got a wire armature which is harder to pose than lock-tites, and she had black ink all over her legs that we had to scrub off. Because she has no breastplate, I’ll have to buy her an outfit with a tight neck. It’s hard to stuff certain dolls just right, cuz if you stuff them too little they’ll sag and if you stuff them too much they’re too rigid to sit. The hands, feet and face are molded wonderfully and makes for the best doll yet for holding Barbie as she was made to hold things. She cups Barbie well in her right hand and holds Barbie’s hairbrush in the other between her thumb, index and middle fingers. The other two fingers on that hand are curled toward her hand, making me wonder how the hell I’m going to polish those nails! Her wrists are just about the exact same size as mine. Because she’s a girl doll, she’s fatter than Ciara, who’s a woman doll, even though she’s a couple of inches shorter. She’s got apple cheeks of her own, but it looks cute on her.

The ink splotches obviously happened in transit. As the UPS driver pointed out, the box was dented at one end, but fortunately, it was at her feet. If it had been the other end, the ink would’ve gotten on her face and it’d be impossible to get it all off. We got it to fade, but not disappear. I guess it’s just part of my doll curse, though it could’ve been worse.

It’s now been 22 weeks since Scot was last here. If he doesn’t come sometime in February, I’ll start to wonder if maybe he really is done with the home visits, and of course, I’ll be almost sure that he is if he still hasn’t shown up come March.

Ever since I got the test out of the way, I’ve had a sense of being “home-free,” so to speak. I only hope I’m not kidding myself with some false sense of finally, after all these years, seeing the first shimmer of light at the end of what’s been a very long tunnel. It’s just that every time I thought I’d detangled myself from these sickos’ grip for good, they managed to grasp hold of me yet again and strangle me with their shit all over again, making me wonder if they’re not a permanent part of my life.

If they don’t pull any new stunts and if there really are no more tests or being woke up by home visits, and if all that’s left to deal with is setting my schedule to be available to see him 19 more times and make the monthly payments, then all I have to do is hope there are no new changes along the way that aren’t good. There were a couple of other changes I forgot to add to my list too, making it a total of 5 changes over the last 20 months. At the start of last year, Maricopa residents were told to report on the 1st and 3rd Friday of each month, rather than the 1st and 2nd. At the start of this year, the report day was changed to Wednesdays.

I don’t know. It’s too soon to go getting my hopes up, thinking I’m on my way to being forever done with this shit, but we’ll see. Besides, there’s just going to be something new as soon as it really is done and over with.

Later…

So far I worked out with the pedals for 40 minutes. Did 20 with the legs and 20 with the arms.

I haven’t received any email from Mary, and Dave, although he’s still sending jokes, has ignored my question asking what they thought of the pictures I superimposed so that tells me that I just may be able to “fight back” after all and that Mary really didn’t like them. That’s good, though. I didn’t want her to like them. That was the idea; to show her what it’s like to be embarrassed and put on the spot. That way, maybe she won’t be doing it to others.

I can’t believe how much I’ve come to dislike that woman! I don’t hate her, but I don’t like her. She does have some good in her, but as I’m finding out she can really be a non-tolerant hypocrite!

I don’t think the pictures are the only things that have got her pissed off. I think another thing that bothers her is that she didn’t get the reaction from me she wanted.

Anyway, so much for getting Mandy cuz she’s sold out. That’s okay, though. There are other dolls I want.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2003 Mary and her damn favors! This really is starting to get old. Even Andy never asked for as many favors during the 11 years we were friends. I already put my foot down as far as serving her friends go, and if I have to do the same with multiple story copies, I will. At least she���s footing most of the postage.

In her letter today she asked for a copy of her book so she could have it during the remainder of her time at Estrella. At first I was like, there’s no way I’m going to waste the paper and stamps when she’ll be out of there in just 3 weeks, but because she did send stamps, I went ahead and printed a copy. I pulled the margins wide and made the print really small, though, and used plain white paper. Some of it was faded a bit since I’m low on toner. Tom’s going to pick me up a new cartridge tomorrow, he says. Meanwhile, when she gets to Florida, I really hope she hangs onto the copy I’ll send her there. I don’t want to be printing multiple copies any more than I want to play organizer.

Chris hasn’t arrived yet, but the pedals are here and I absolutely love them! They’re the best thing I’ve used yet as far as cardiovascular training goes. It’s the quietest and most comfortable too, yet still effective. I can feel it in my legs, my heartbeat and my raised body temp. I can read or watch TV with it easily and I can even put it on the counter or a table and do my arms if I want to as well.

I shit today, but I’m sure that will be it for 2-3 days. I know something’s obviously blocking me from losing the fat, but oh well. I tried. I can live with being heavy. I wouldn’t be this big in the first place if it weren’t meant to be. At least I can keep strong and fit. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to work on maintaining my current weight or if I’ll let myself gain all the weight my body wants. It’s just that to me, overweight is overweight. What difference does it make if I’m 30 pounds overweight or 60 pounds overweight? So, if I’m going to remain overweight since I really don’t have much of a choice, I see no sense in worrying about how overweight I am or may become.

Meanwhile, I may live like a hermit, but no one can ever say I’m too lazy or inactive!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2003 I am so, so pissed right now. I’ve been stuck since Friday and no, I’m not stuck at 129, I’m up a pound! It’s totally obvious that something up there does not want me losing weight.

But why??? There is no logical reason why dieting like this should plug me up. Nothing’s changed but my calorie intake. I’m still eating the same things, just less of them.

How I wish I could make myself throw up! If it won’t come out the end it’s supposed to, I wish I could make it come out the other end, but throwing up has always disgusted me so much that I could never do it. I’ve tried numerous times, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Losing 3 pounds in 12 days isn’t much at all, and I know losing weight slowly may be better than not at all, but I don’t know about that. Especially if that means having to do this damn diet for 3-4 months. Perhaps it’s time to tell myself that there are worse things in life than being fat. You’re working so hard for so little. If something up there wants you to keep the weight then it must be for a reason. Which would you prefer; being fat or being back in jail? You want the freeloaders back living with you? You want to be paralyzed instead? Blind? You tried your best, now just drop it and move on.

But still, it bothers me. It really bothers me that I have no control over my life or my body. No, we do not control our own destinies. Not for the most part, anyway. We really are puppets in a script written by God in which we’re forced to act out, like it or not.

This reinforces my fear that if it won’t let me lose weight, how’s it going to let me do dolls?

Anyway, I’ll probably hang up the dieting. I thought I’d be ok if I’d just play catch up regularly enough, and only be slowed down a little bit, but that’s obviously not going to be the case. So there’s no sense in sticking to the diet as well as I have been, for next to nothing in return. I’ll just use the bike and Bowflex for strength and stamina, keep the fat and just work with what I’ve got.

Last night I happened to catch the doll show on the HSC and saw a wonderful $110 doll named Mandy in quite a unique pose. She kneels on one knee with her arms sort of wrapped around her other leg. She’s almost all porcelain. All of her arms are porcelain, anyway, and she wears a print sundress that’s tied at her shoulders. I thought she was Indian, but they have her down as black. I don’t care, though. I like the doll. As posed she’s 22”, but would stand up to 34” if she could stand. I hope to get this doll as soon as we have the money, but I won’t count on it. If I do, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. No doll collector gets every doll they want, and if I miss out on her, I’ll get the other dolls I’ve been wanting that I know will be around for a while. Still, I’m going to try and will put the other dolls on hold to get her first if I have to.

Anyway, I’m taking the time to work on my neglected proofreading project until more work from Mary comes in.

Later…

Maybe the best cure for being stuck is to simply bitch about it in this journal, cuz I just went. When I first felt it coming on, I was like, No, it’s simply wishful thinking, a tease.

The question now is whether or not to continue with the diet and just lose weight the slow way.

I noticed earlier that I’m smaller in the upper abs and at the sides where my ribs are. It would take a massive amount of weight loss to deflate this face, though, and pick up this neck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2003 Still 129 pounds. I’ve been stuck again for a couple of days as I figured I would be, but as long as I keep playing catch-up in the end, I’ll be ok. I still have till Wednesday to get to 127 and still make my limit of 3 pounds per week. Tom thinks my pedaling a half hour a day will speed up the process, but I doubt it. Not at my age and height. But it will help keep the lost weight off and will give me increased strength and stamina. It’s good for the heart too, and as you know, heart disease runs rampant in my family.

Tom said that in light of our lovely PO who likes to send half of our packages back, he emailed the HSC and asked them to please not give our pedals away should they be returned for any reason. They replied saying they wouldn’t give them away, and in fact, their records show it was delivered to our PO this morning, but since it’s Saturday, we won’t be able to get them till Monday. You can’t get packages on weekends at this place. You can’t even get into your PO Box before 6 AM. In Tempe, we have 24-hour access, though we’re not going to renew that box once it expires in March.

So, the Tempe PO throws packages on their shelves and forgets about them, and this one returns them. At least they’re right on with regular mail.

I can’t believe how well we’ve both been sticking to our diets! It’s almost been too easy. He’s lost more, though. Like 7 pounds. He says it’s because he has more fat and that he has more fat in his belly alone than I have in my entire body.

Since he hasn’t done so in ages, he played hooky the last two nights, claiming to get the cold he never did end up getting like he thought he would. He’d still be getting 3-4 colds a year for real if I hadn’t insisted he take vitamin C tablets every day.

He’s taken the time off to work on the truck and install new faucets in the bathroom sinks. The single-lever faucets I told the deaf, dumb, and illiterate Mexican to install in the first place.

They look like the one we got in Phoenix with the clear round handle. It’s not perfectly round, though. I don’t know how you’d describe it. It’s sort of angled all around.

When he installed the one in the master bath it really stunk like hell! That’s because of that one’s closer to the septic tank with fewer turns and kinks.

In my bathroom, he also installed a really cool toilet paper holder. It’s just a bar with a catch at the end that’s angled slightly upwards. It makes changing toilet paper a cinch.

He also got a ready-keyed new handle/lock for the side door. Yeah, all 3 doors in this house were definitely damned from the get-go. It was getting stuck and to the point where it couldn’t be locked from the inside.

To my surprise, I finally caught the mouse in the late afternoon yesterday, and rather than killing it, we opted to walk it on down just past our property to the north. How amazing it is, I thought as I watched Tom walk down there, to have been here just over 3 years and still, there’s no one towards the north or the east. Not close, anyway, although there might be a couple of properties away in those directions.

We never did receive a tracking link from UPS which leads us to believe that the doll people never gave them our email address, but I think it’s safe to assume she’ll be here Monday or Tuesday.

Got 4 letters from Mary yesterday which were obviously sent right before I spoke with her aunt. She says she’ll be there another 30 days. Guess that means that by February 7th she’ll be gone.

She enclosed a book of stamps which was very nice of her and which will help a lot since she’s got a ton of stuff for me to send to her, and there’s even more on its way, too. She asked if I could give Michelle my email address so Todd could send me pictures he has that she wants. She answered my question of “Why me?” by saying that if she sent them to her family they wouldn’t mail them to her, and come to think of it, I think she told me that before. I asked for more pictures of her shortly after I got out and she said something about having a hard time getting any from her family.

Anyway, I emailed her note and my address to Michelle, wrote her another letter since she’s going to be sticking around a while longer, and enclosed her friend Brandi’s copy of that psychologist’s and philosopher’s words. I wonder if this is the same Brandi who’s in for killing this guy she was going to get it on with in some hotel. According to her, though, she only ripped the guy off and it was her boyfriend that killed him, so who knows for sure what really happened? I wasn’t there and I don’t know them. Guess I just don’t care, either.

I had to scan the astrology pages she tore out of a book cuz that’s the only way they’ll accept them unless they come straight from the publisher themselves, which was the case when I tried to send Bob word find puzzles. It was a huge job, too. There were about 30 pages and each one took about 4 minutes just to queue up. It took hours to do and I hope it’ll be a long, long time before I have another scanning job that big.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2003 Tom got a message saying Chris was shipped today, so we should get a tracking link from UPS sometime today, too.

Oreo makes his own schedule and Little Fella makes his schedule mine. Oreo only gets up in the daytime if food is coming into the cage, for the most part. Little Fella went to bed a few hours before I did last night, then was up and waiting for me when I got up today at noon. I hope I’m up when Chris comes, which could be as early as Monday. I’ll make sure I don’t sleep too late. Fortunately, UPS doesn’t come early around here.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2003 It’s over! Yes, I had the test and it was a piece of cake. That’s because, by the time we got there, I had to go so bad I probably would’ve peed my pants had he not been able to flag down a female PO as soon as he did, and once we entered the bathroom, I started peeing as soon as my ass hit the toilet.

She seemed pretty cool and I didn’t feel dirty or like I was being molested or anything like that. I was a bit surprised when she asked me why I was on probation. Usually, they’re pretty impersonal.

Afterward, I got a kick out of how the cheeks said, “So you saw her go?” to the lady. I was thinking, Well, she wasn’t looking in the mirror and picking her nose!

Anyway, as of 10:00 last night, an unusual calm came over me and I slept just fine. I thought I’d wake up a zillion times, but I slept right through.

What was funny was that as Tom pointed out, he may not have been planning to test me, since he wasn’t prepared. Whenever he’s tested me before, he’s had things set up, labels on cups, etc. But as soon as I saw him I told him I had to pee real bad either way, and that’s when he commented on it being a while since my last test and got the stuff he needed, along with the PO. All I know is that whether or not he was ready to test me, I was ready to get it over with, and it’s nice to be able to call the shots for once pertaining to what goes on with me.

Anyway, I’m just so glad it’s done and over with. It takes a lot of the stress off me, and I’m going to be really pissed if he surprises me with any other tests. He said the tests, as long as they were clean, would get further and further apart, and I’d like him to keep his word, something people in law enforcement seem to have a hard time doing.

He didn’t mention stopping by, but he reminded me of how much time I have left.

He’s got a lot of stuff in his office. Pins, pictures, matchbox cars of cruisers, patches, and even a rattlesnake skin from a rattler he killed.

After the cheeks, we went to a dollar store where I got a clump of red roses and a clump of maroon roses. I put them on the refrigerator.

I also got a pink plastic toddler chair that I thought would be cool for dolls between the 25”-35” range.

Lastly, I got 3 ballerina figurines. They’re not great, but for a buck each, they sure are nice.

On the way to and fro, we passed a dozen pig cars and got hung up by more creeps than usual.

I woke up today at 129 like I hoped and expected to. What I didn’t expect to do today, though, was take a dump, but I did.

I think I may’ve forgotten to mention this, but a few days ago I discovered both the two remaining crabs dead. That didn’t last long. I guess this climate is just too dry for them, although it was far from dry today. We got lots of clouds and some good steady rain for most of the day. Not the kind that fills the washes, makes running water, and gets cars stuck, but enough to saturate the ground. No leaky doors, either!

Since we’re finally having a normal winter as far as rainfall goes, I wonder if we’ll have a normal monsoon, too?

I almost caught the mouse this morning, but it managed to escape before the trap door shut all the way. This is one major clever mouse! Of course, every time I let the rats out, Little Fella, who loves to come out way more than Oreo does, triggers the damn thing. Oreo sleeps through most of the day like most rats, but my fella never sleeps, so it seems. Oreo’s venturing further away from the cage, but only if I’m there, and if I move back towards the cage, he follows.

Unfortunately, the bike’s not coming via UPS, after all. It’s coming by regular mail. They claim it’ll only take 10 days, but I know that’s bullshit. The HSC dolls never arrived on time, and as the Handi-Stitch taught me, dolls aren’t the only packages that we have problems getting. Half the packages coming to this PO have been returned, so I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s 50/50 as to whether or not we get it. That will really suck if they return it cuz then the same thing will happen that happened with Tasha. They only had so many, so if this gets returned, they won’t keep it for long. They’ll assume we changed our minds and give it to someone else.

As for Chris, Tom says he expects her to be shipped by Friday. I hope so!

Since the Humane Society ripped us off, we’ll have to order labels from the catalog we usually use. I emailed the HS about the stuff they never sent us, but I won’t expect an answer.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2003 I sent my last letter to Mary at Estrella last night. I checked to see if there was any new mention of Monster since his trial was supposed to be yesterday. Naturally, there wasn’t. Baby killers just don’t pique the public’s interest in this state the way supposed threatening racists do.

I was typing up a heart-wrenching yet beautiful poem Mary wrote about the pain she feels in losing Gretchen, and she is so totally right when she says that the more you love someone, the harder it is to lose them. I love Tom more than anyone I’ve ever loved or will love and I can’t imagine not killing myself if he were to die. I’d have nothing to live for. He is my life. All else is just an addition to it, some good, some bad, some neither.

She has been so cursed throughout her life. In a sense, much more so than I have. I hope something up there will give her a break with age as it has with me (with the exception of the freeloaders, of course).

Since I last mentioned spotting it, I’ve seen this untrappable mouse we’ve got living with us 3 more times. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that it won’t allow itself to be trapped. It’s just an unusually smart mouse. It’s not hurting anything that I know of, though, so I don’t mind it residing with us. I just wish I knew if it’s been in the house all along, or if it’s coming and going through any vent openings we may’ve missed. If there are any openings, and if that diamondback returns to living under and by the house once they’re active again, I doubt many mice will be going through there. I think that’s why we went so long without any coming up in here; because the rattler was scaring them off.

Anyway, I guess I just hadn’t been putting enough cheese in the trap to entice the mouse, but this time around I put a healthy pinch of cheese in it.

Just when I woke up and decided it’d be best not to take the laxatives we got in case it reacts on me while I’m suffering on account of the freeloaders tomorrow, I ended up shitting up a storm on my own. Perhaps tomorrow I will finally be back in the 120s and won’t wake up at 130 for the fifth day in a row. I’m still glad I got the laxative, cuz I know something’s going to fight me along the way and that I’m just going to turn right around and be stuck all over again. That’s how it worked the last time. When the Gods do give in to my wishes, they don’t necessarily make it easy for me. If I were regular, on the other hand, I’d have this weight off in no time. Guess later is still better than never.

The Dead Zone has returned, and I also have another new show I’ve been glued to ever since I first saw its premiere. It’s called Cirque du Soleil (circus of sun), the coolest circus I ever did see. That’s because it mainly consists of acrobatics. Things like trapeze artists and dancing gymnasts with astonishing flexibility. It’s incredible!

Although anything’s still possible over the next 4½ hours, I’m beginning to doubt the cheeks will show up due to the weather, along with the fact that he hasn’t said he’d “try to catch me at the house” like he used to almost always say, and the fact that he was talking as if he knew he wouldn’t see me till tomorrow. It’s both cloudy and windy, and I’ve never known him to come on days that weren’t clear and calm. If he doesn’t show up today, that still doesn’t mean he won’t show up at some point during this month. Like I said, if we got down to the last 6 months without visits/tests, then I’d think that was over, but it still seems pretty damn unlikely, no matter how much he may think testing or the whole probation thing, in general, is unnecessary.

Later…

The weather has improved since I last wrote. In fact, it’s gorgeous out. There are still some clouds, but not as many. It’s also gone from windy to breezy too, and I have the windows open to let some fresh air in which, fortunately, doesn’t smell like shit today. The wind’s blowing westerly, so if there was any shit in the air, I couldn’t blame it on the renter’s horse.

Heard a sonic boom earlier. We’re still fortunate enough not to hear them as often as we did the first few months of living in this house. I hope it stays that way, too. Particularly while the freeloaders still own me.

Anyway, I still don’t know what to make of the cheeks. Just maybe he will stick to the basics of just having me report and make payments, something he has no say over (although he could cut the reports in half) and skip the home visits and tests altogether, but I doubt it. He’s too all or nothing, like most people. His unwillingness to cut my reports in half just because the courts won’t do the right thing by letting me go, and the things he said when he first informed us of Casa Grande, tells me that. The way he mentioned not being able to always test people in Maricopa, and for me to “be prepared” is a dead giveaway. He’s had the opportunity to test me the last few times I saw him in Maricopa yet he didn’t. There were no trials or cases of any kind going on and the bathroom, which is off of the judge’s office, was perfectly free and available, so this tells me he’s not going to be “nice,” so to speak and do me any favors. He’s simply been waiting till he can test me with eyes on me. This doesn’t surprise me, either. I knew all along that it’d be this way. I knew that if God was going to allow the jail time to be played up to the max, he’d do the same for the probation part of it. He’s been whipping my ass good with these freeloaders from day one and he’s not about to give me any breaks till it’s over. It’s like he’s all or nothing too, by making me suffer on account of them to the extremes which I have. I just hope that if I’m right about being tested that he gets it’s the fuck over with. I’ve had it hanging over my head for 2½ months now. Enough torture! As soon as I can get that out of the way I think I’ll finally be able to breathe a lot easier and that it’ll ease a lot of my stress. But will the remainder of the time be smooth sailing? Or will something else come up? Nine months is an awfully long time to be on probation without some change or new demand of some kind. First there was the demanding of payment receipts, then the anxiety of the classes hanging over me, then the PG switchover. When you think about it, 3 things in 20 months isn’t that bad, but that’s approximately one new issue every 8 months and I’ve got 9 left. Well, closer to 9.5. I just figured that I may be blessed with not having to have any connection with the black bitch the final two weeks, so I consider it to be 9 months and a week. Not long when you consider what I started with, but long enough in itself.

I look out the window and I think wow, such a beautiful day. Such a beautiful day spoiled by the stress of what could happen tomorrow. Always the freeloaders taint anything that’s good in my life. It never fucking ends. It’s a way of life for me now. It’s been that way for years. Always with me, always with them.

Amazingly, I haven’t seen the renters today. Maybe that’s because it’s warmer today, whereas yesterday was cooler. Too cool for opening windows. You know it’s cold out when the heat comes on in the afternoon! Especially in a dual-paned windowed house with 6” walls.

Later…

I might’ve just seen the cheeks go by, though I can’t swear to it because he was going in the opposite direction in which he usually goes and because he drove on the property across the way. I’ve only seen him drive on the road, plus, the lovely weather’s clouding up and cooling down once again.

Anyway, we’re going to go in the afternoon tomorrow so I don’t have the pressure on me of trying to be up early. Especially when I know I’m going to have a hell of a time sleeping tonight. I need time to wake up and psych myself up for this shit, so to speak, and to get my bladder full. It’s gonna take a half hour to get there, so if I leave with my bladder too full, I could piss my pants along the way! I have to get it just right.

God, what did I do to deserve this shit?! Why does he hate me so? Is it because I’m supposedly Jewish? Short? Cuz of my forefathers? Why???

God doesn’t have to love me. In fact, he doesn’t even have to like me. All I want is for him to leave me alone and just ignore me if he hates me that much and stop using me as a punching bag with those he does love and worship!

I try to tell myself to just relax, that they can’t hurt me, that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I didn’t do anything wrong nearly 2½ years ago, either, so if that’s the case, then how come I got thrown in jail for 6 outrageous months, then ordered to report twice a month to a PO, and to pay $40 a month, and to do 100 hours of community service, and to see a therapist, plus all the other humiliating shit for 30 more months?

There is another possibility and that’s that he may trust me enough to let me pee unobserved, but I doubt that, too. Again, he’s just too all or nothing. I mean, why should he when he has plenty of eyes available? Just to be nice and considerate of my feelings? I don’t think so!

As special as Little Buddy was, these rats really are just as friendly, playful and loving. Oreo’s like an “outside Sneezy.” Meaning, where Sneezy wouldn’t leave the inside of the cage when the cage door’s open, Oreo won’t leave the few feet surrounding the outside of the cage. They sure do like to get attention, climb all over me, and get treats from me.

I’ve got all the betas in the kitchen now to make for easier cleaning/feeding. I have two side-by-side on the counter and one on the island.

Later…

Tom and I just got done playing with the rats.

He also listened sympathetically and patiently to my bitching about the stress over tomorrow. A part of me was like, Don’t let yourself be subjected to this shit anymore and just run. Go! Get out of here!

Then I was like, Uh-uh. I got forced out of this house once. Next time I go willingly, but not until I’m ready to do so.

Meanwhile, I got a call from Mary’s aunt. She left a message asking me not to email Terri Morganthal, the prosecutor in the Florida case, a copy of Mary’s book if I haven’t already done so, till after the trial. She was obviously worried that it could hurt Mary since the defense would have to see it, too.

I called her back and told her I already sent it, but since there was nothing incriminating in it, I see no reason why it should make a difference. Carolyn, who said she was going to see Mary tomorrow, said she’d tell her this. She also said she’d call me if she learned anything that I might not know (I told her I rarely see the news and never read the paper).

Speaking of the news, well, it did make the news after all. The sick twist pleaded guilty to the James case! Everyone’s ecstatic about it and I can see why. This will help Mary a lot. Hopefully, it will, anyway, but as Carolyn says, I don’t know about her being released in ’04. I told her the same thing I told Mary, that speaking from personal experience, I wouldn’t put much faith in the system. You just can’t always buy what pigs or lawyers tell you. The presentencing guy told me to hope for the best, but expect the worst, and I think that’s what Mary should do. Life simply isn’t fair and you can’t always count on people to do the right thing, so as far as the pardon she expects to get within 2-3 years of her release – I don’t know. Even if I knew that’s all I’d have to do, I’d still run cuz I didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t kill anyone, so she shouldn’t have to do 5 minutes. Even if I was guilty of being a mass murderer, though, there’s no way I’d stick around for even just a year of intense probation, though that’s just me. She got to do what she’s got to do. I just hate to see her get her hopes up for nothing, then end up heartbroken. All I can do is hope things go as she hopes/expects them to.

Anyway, Mary was supposed to go to court today, but it was canceled. Also, I’m not sure when she’s going to Florida. Carolyn says they might not take her there till Justin’s sentenced (Mary is doing Florida time right now, too). They’ll both ultimately end up in Florida, but as Carolyn says, they’d probably send her back here to do her probation time cuz here’s where her family is. Well, I didn’t get into it with her, but they won’t send her anywhere, nor will they care where her family is. However, they do transfers, so she should easily be able to get a courtesy transfer from Florida to Arizona, but they’re not going to pay to move her back here.

I asked Carolyn if she had a computer and an email account and she says she hardly ever turns her computer on and doesn’t know how to use it. I’m just hoping Mary will have access to a computer in Phoenix once she’s out so she can work on her book more easily, but by then, I think it’ll all be written and proofread. Then, the only thing to do will be to organize it, print it out, send it to a publisher and hope for the best.

I was rather dismayed to hear Mary may get a place in Phoenix with her mother. This is the same mother that beat her and told her she was a worthless this and a worthless that. Why oh why would she want to live with anyone that’s done that to her? I just don’t get it. She writes a letter of inspiration to this abused woman, and that’s all well and good, but wouldn’t her living with her mother be regressing herself in a sense? I really think she needs to wipe people like her mother and Derek out of her life for good. She needs people in her life who haven’t/won’t verbally, mentally or physically abuse her. No, I just don’t always understand Mary’s way of thinking or her beliefs, but I still love her dearly. She has to make her own mistakes as well as her own successes just like the rest of us. Back when I was a single, naïve, poor 24-year-old, people told me it would be a mistake for me to have a kid. Yes, it would’ve been a mistake, but had I made that mistake, it would’ve been mine to make.

Anyway, I guess Mary could be here as late as February because that’s when the sicko’s to be sentenced, but we’ll see. Like I told both her aunt and Mary herself, her stuff’s ready to be sent to Florida as soon as she tells me she’s there. Meanwhile, I don’t want to be sending any more mail to Estrella. They could be moving her right now for all I know. Whatever happens, whenever it happens, all I can do is hope things go as well as possible. The poor girl’s been through enough as it is.

There’s a line from one of the poems that goes, “If you don’t like the cast of characters you’re involved with, get rid of them and start a new bunch,” and when I first read that I was like, yeah right! Like I could just dump the cheeks and the whole damn thing? On the other hand, that’s exactly what I did with my family. They were a problem and I disengaged myself from them one by one. At least I got to have some say with them and believe me, it’s a lot easier to detach yourself from those not living within a few feet of your house.

Both of us still aren’t sure what to think as far as what the future may hold for me in Casa Grande. As he pointed out, Scot has proven to pull surprises. We never expected him to write that note of recommendation to the courts to let me go, but he did.

Another thing Tom pointed out that never crossed my mind, was that another reason he may be hesitant to cut my visits is that it could cause the courts to give him more clients if they see he’s gone and cut people. Cutting people would only give him more time and less to do, which I know the courts would gladly fill in. Like I always said, as soon as someone’s let go, a new person comes in. They keep things running as consistently as they can. Even Gina commented on how as soon as one’s done with community service, in comes someone new. Plus, Scot has complained about his caseload before. A lady mentioned his having 25 people, and that was when he came out and said he wished he had 25, but that he had 70.

I don’t think that was the cheeks I saw earlier. That same SUV with the same loud engine that also drove on the property across the way went by again, and I could clearly make out the profile of a woman driver this time around.

The ear doctor called back to say they never got my referral. Despite the incompetent people in this world, I don’t buy it. I think they’re just swamped with too many patients, so they figure they’ll give some of them the runaround to discourage them from making appointments. Well, it worked because Tom and I decided he’d look around for a very small pair of tweezers. Once he finds them, I’ll oil the canal for a few days before he goes picking out dead skin.

Something just hit me. Carolyn said, “Here’s my number, in case it didn’t show up on your Caller ID.”

Well, how’d she know we have Caller ID?

Tomorrow’s the day I return to the 120s for sure! It’s the end of my day and I’m 130, exactly what I woke up as. In the past few days, I’d be 132-133 at the end of the day, so I’d wake up back at 130 the next day. Not tomorrow!

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2003 And so it was 10 years ago that I got hired as a dancer, and 3 years ago that the freeloaders came back into our lives in a whole different way that’d be a million times worse than when we all lived together.

Tom’s still working on the truck. In fact, he’s doing that right now. After 3 years, we finally got the doors fixed. I wish Tom had thought of this clever idea sooner, though he shouldn’t have had to. The Mexicans should’ve done the job right back in the factory in the first place, which was what we paid for. They look great, nonetheless. No leaks, no gaps. One less thing to have to worry about and to have to do.

To my utter shock and dismay, again I woke up at 130 and I’m still stuck, too. I get stuck every time I try to diet. Especially in the last year or two. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me to lose weight, and if it is an outer source controlling me, then that’s really scary. It’s really scary to think that something I can’t see or touch or control could have so much power over me. I’m hoping it’s just a case of my system simply needing time to adjust to the extreme cut in food intake, but I don’t know. I just have one of my bad feelings. If I’m right, the question is, why? Why would something not want me to lose weight? Just to punish me and piss me off? Why is it so important to whatever’s up there that I remain big? There are much worse things in life than not being able to lose weight, something I didn’t use to have so much trouble doing, but I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’m going to add laxatives to my diet as well as a daily Slim-Fast meal bar to keep me from feeling sluggish. It’d bring my calorie intake up to about 1100, plus whatever I have in gum and coffee, but it may help regulate me. I just don’t want to be doing all this hard work and going through all this hunger for nothing! I’ve got to start shitting out what I eat or else it really will be all for nothing. If this plan doesn’t work, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to let fate have its way with me yet again and not worry if I end up at 200 pounds, or do I want to maintain the 130? I highly doubt anything’s wrong with my thyroid as it was checked not too long ago. Besides, if there was, God wouldn’t let the doctors find out if he really is doing something to keep the weight on me besides plugging up my system.

I was out gathering trash earlier. Things like empty boxes and packages of car-related stuff. I didn’t want it to blow around in the wind cuz our shit wouldn’t end up on someone else’s land for them to have to deal with. Our stuff would stay right here on our land.

Still no cheeks, though tomorrow’s quite possible since he’s come a few times the day before I was to see him. If he doesn’t come by March or April, then I’ll start to believe he’ll never be back, but I think he will be. I’d be quite shocked if he never showed up again, but not as shocked as I would be if I were never tested again. I just hope he gets the damn test done and over with on Wednesday so I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of it hanging over my head, but I don’t know. God’s never dealt me any breaks yet when it comes to this shit, except for the work/class issue, so why should he start now? Oh, the hell I go through for these freeloaders!

I still have the feeling, and oh, how I hope I’m right, that once we get to somewhere in March, I’ll feel a lot less anxiety. Like I’ll finally be able to see the shimmer of light at the end of this very, excruciatingly long tunnel. Words can never describe the hell I’ve gone through for these freeloaders. Where my parents definitely have first place in causing me pain and suffering be it directly or not, the freeloaders definitely have the runner-up spot, and I’m sure they always will. Upon going out on my own, I never would’ve believed it if I had been told that such stress, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, lack of freedom, and loss of money could be caused by neighbors. Family, ex-lovers, old friends, yes, but I never would’ve guessed I’d be made to suffer so severely by neighbors. And those things I mentioned above are just the major things. That doesn’t cover the little things like the cold showers, the inhumane food, the cellies that were crazy, loud, rude and obnoxious, the being controlled and treated like a child, etc.

Four adults (two women, two men) were out playing horsy for much of the afternoon, In fact, one guy got thrown as the horse went down. I guess it didn’t like the idea of being ridden. I had wondered why I hadn’t seen them riding the thing up and down Meadow Green and Ralston. Whoever was on the horse when it went down was lucky they weren’t hurt.

Anyway, one of the women took the horse in back and while on the ground, she steered it round and round in circles by its reins. I don’t know what the point of that was, but anyway, the horse is cool to look out the window and see, when you consider what my view on Oswego St. was, but it’s stealing more of our privacy. They’re always, always home and outside. I don’t know how all those people can afford to be home all the time, but I hope they’ll at least be indoors more often when it gets hot like they were last summer. It’s just that when it’s hot, I won’t have the blinds open in the kitchen which faces west, so it wouldn’t matter if they were or not. Now’s when I can comfortably have it open, let more light in, and enjoy the view of the mountains, but now is also when they’re out and about to spoil my view of nature. At least they’re white and quiet.

Tom said Mary will probably be unhappy about the pictures I played with and sent. Oh, poor, poor thing. She can dish it, but she can’t take it, huh? That’d be typical of her, but I don’t know. With the way she loves posing for the camera, she still might get quite a kick out of it. Tom’s so sure, though, that now she won’t call him to make extra money by working on her house when she needs it, but that’d make no sense. Why not call him just cuz she may be mad at me? She never liked me anyway. This is nothing new. Ignoring Tom cuz of me would be like me not talking to my friend Mary simply because Paula said something I didn’t like. What’s one got to do with the other?

Anyway, if she really was offended by the pictures, maybe she’ll finally learn from this. Maybe she’ll realize that as long as she’s willing to embarrass others and put them on the spot by constantly taking their pictures, others are likely to do the same to her. If she can make Christmas tree ornaments out of other people’s pictures, why can’t we superimpose pictures of her?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2003 The anxiety over this Casa Grande shit’s starting to settle in. Is God ever going to find it in his cold merciless heart to set me free of these freeloaders and not replace them with a new long-term problem?

I tell myself all I have to do is sit down on a toilet and pee in a cup, but that’s not all I have to do. I have to do it with eyes boring into me for reasons I shouldn’t have to. What the fuck do letters and journals have to do with drugs and alcohol? I’m sick of the general mistrust of us so-called criminals and all the automatic assumptions. They assume I very well could be a druggie cuz I supposedly wrote a threatening letter, and they don’t trust me to give them my own piss so they have someone watch me. It isn’t just about punishment, power, control and money, but the lack of trust and personal security of those within the system. When they lock someone in a cell, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to carry mace and stun guns, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to show up at your house unannounced, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” Well, this is all the more reason I don’t trust them! It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you, it’s hard not to dislike someone who dislikes you, and it’s hard to trust people that don’t trust you, and I sure as shit can’t trust anyone within this demented system! Attitudes and emotions really are as contagious as they say. That’s why a lot of people can’t stand to hang with those who are depressed as it brings them down, too.

Tom listened patiently as I bitched about it and for that, I am truly grateful. The poor guy’s had to put up with so much himself on account of these sickos.

I’m 37 years old and my 30s have been nothing but freeloaders! They’ll forever be the highlights of my 30s just like loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and struggling to make ends meet were the highlights of my 20s.

Tom thinks it’s possible that the cheeks will never be here again and that he won’t test me because he doesn’t think it’s necessary, but I doubt it. Especially the testing part of it and especially if he doesn’t have any say in the matter. It’s just that the tests cost them money, Tom pointed out, but with all the money this state takes people for, they can well afford it. Controlling me would be worth the few bucks it’d cost them. Besides, I could never cost them a microscopic fraction of what the freeloaders have cost us, trust me.

The diet, which started off well, isn’t going too well anymore. Not that I haven’t stuck to it, cuz I have. I woke up down 2 pounds after the first day, down another pound after the second day, then nothing at all today and yesterday. I’ve been stuck for a day and a half so I hope that’s all it is. I’d hate to end up working so hard for so little. Stuck or not, and that is a common problem with dieting, no one should have 1000 calories or less in 3 days and still weigh the same, so if I wake up at 130 again tomorrow, I’m going to be a bit worried and a lot discouraged.

In other news, my hair’s an inch shy of the middle of my ass when pulled straight. I still wish I had thin straight hair for the most part. Instead of damaging it with the straightening iron, I let it get to where it’s nearly dry after washing it, then I gather it into one or two ponytails and put elastics down the ponytails a couple of inches apart. It dries up straighter that way.

Tom said he’s 95% done with the truck and that he’s still confident we’ll have an AC running in it before it gets hot. I hope so! There’s still always the chance, though, that he runs into other problems as he puts the engine back together.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2003 Just 4 more days till I’m humiliated beyond imagination. I’m surprised my heart isn’t pounding with dread, though I’m sure it will be once it gets close. I still don’t understand how he can agree that my being on probation is pointless, yet not cut my visits down. That’s rather hypocritical when you think about it. He’s such an all-or-nothing kind of guy, but so are most people, unfortunately. Everything has to be one way or another. There’s no happy medium. No grays between the whites and blacks.

At least the freeloaders tripled my music collection. Thanks to them and their hate and vengeance, I’m not stuck listening to the same old, same old music forever, though I’ll always love the music of the 70s and 80s.

The purple glass fish died. See, this is why we shouldn’t have wasted our time and money on fish. They die left and right. I’m going to let them die off and just keep frogs and betas. At least the beautiful angelfish are doing well. The algae eater has grown since we got it. It’s one of those that grows for as long as it lives.

In other animal news, the prairie dogs are back! That sure was fast. I was wondering if they’d come out as late as March like they did in ’00, or January like last year. I’m glad they’re back. The only thing I don’t like about them is their squeaking. It’s so loud that it’s woken me up a few times. Until I realized what it was, I thought it was the rat’s or mice’s wheels squeaking. The prairie dog I saw appeared to remember me and that there was food here because it gathered up what I put out rather quickly and didn’t run down into its hole when I opened the door.

Of course, we see rabbits hanging out all year long.

Just 12 views of our land album and over 1000 of one of the albums with me in it! Two more downloads this week too, which makes it a total of 18. I think they were from my Wildlife album.

We checked and found that the reason Chris hasn’t been sent yet was that they’re to be closed till the 6th, so it’ll probably be a week and a half before the doll gets here. They haven’t even taken the money yet.

The ear doctor’s secretaries have been giving me the runaround. I can’t get them to tell me a simple little thing – that they did get the referral that was posted on the 17th of last month so I can make an appointment. Instead, they’re costing us a fortune in long-distance calls and making empty promises of getting back to me. If they don’t want to see me for whatever reason, can’t they just say so? I wanted to just forget it and clean it myself with oil, but after Tom checked it out, he said it really looks like it needs to be done and says he’ll play phone with them and get the appointment made.

I miss the days when you could just call a doctor and make a damn appointment! Now you have to fight with a maze of answering machines only to usually end up nowhere. It seems only dentists have real people still answering their phones.

Instead of getting the bike, we might be getting something different which Tom saw on the HSC. They had 1,200 left and he ordered one online after verifying it was what they said it was. It’s just pedals instead of a bike, but there’s something about it that makes it quiet so we can hear the TV while we’re using it, and it only costs $70. He says they usually run for $140. We haven’t received a tracking link for it yet, so we don’t know for sure if we’re going to get it. At least they use UPS if we do.

Yesterday, after just two days of dieting, I was down 3 pounds, but today I woke up the same at 130. I still don’t think it’ll take me the 8-10 weeks I thought it’d take me. It should be more like 4 weeks at the earliest and 6 at the latest. It depends on how badly my weekly snacks set me back. This week I may get a bigger snack than originally planned because I’ve already lost a week’s worth of weight in just a few days. As long as I lose at least 3 pounds a week, I’ll be ok.

Tom went to the hardware store yesterday and got the strips of wood we’ll need for the doors, plus a plain white soft toilet seat for my bath.

Oh, and he also got a spray gun for the front hose so I can take the rat’s cage out and clean it. It’s just too big for the shower stalls.

Now for a quick Mary update before I go work out and do some cleaning. I put my foot down as far as the favors for others go unless it’s something as simple as email. Even she said she knew I’d want to kill her for this and to let her know if she was overwhelming me, but could I please print a copy of a certain set of poems some doctor wrote for her friend Brandi? I said I would, but no more favors of this kind after this. I don’t know these people. They’re her friends, not mine. Besides, I work for her.

She offered to send stamps which I thought was really nice. It’d help. Especially when I send all the stuff she wants sent to Florida, but why must it always be me? Can’t her aunt send some of this stuff? She mailed me some photos as well as some cards, and I told her to let me know how many pictures I can send at once when she gets to Florida. I don’t want to be getting a bunch of stuff returned to me.

I emailed a copy of her book to someone named Terri for her as she asked. I forget how she knows Terri. I think she’s a social worker of some kind.

She says Monster’s trial begins on the 6th, she has court on the 7th, will probably be at Estrella till around the 15th, and life with Virginia still sucks, but she’s surviving. I guess she just tries to ignore the cracks she makes.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2003 Looks like Michelle hasn’t dumped Mary after all, and no, I’m not embarrassed or upset over the fact that I sent the earlier journals. This is a stranger whose opinions are meaningless to me. If she mentions it to Mary, and I’m sure she will, all I have to say is that I sent it to her by accident.

Anyway, Michelle says she’s just been busy and hasn’t been on her computer. She has over 200 emails. I’ll have Tom mail her message I enclosed with a letter to Mary tonight, and hope she gets it before she leaves.

Hopefully, Mary will be able to let me know soon if she is leaving for sure or if she’s going to be sticking around a while longer. I’d like to know and understand more about the outcome of the AZ case and what’s to be happening with the FL case, but for reasons I can’t fathom, Mary’s rather secretive about this. I can’t imagine why, though, since she’s got nothing to hide. She’s not the one who did the abusing.

I really do hope she moves soon. Not just so no one could possibly recognize my name on my mail to her and get nosy, but I don’t want to have to visit her at Estrella at the end of the year. It isn’t because I don’t want to see her, but I just don’t want to return to that jail! I don’t want to have to wait forever to see her, either.

I wish there was a way of letting Teddy Bear know just how much I ended up falling in love with her and how much I miss her and wonder about her, not that it’d necessarily do me any good. Yes, I still miss her and long to be in her arms. I can close my eyes and feel exactly what it’d be like, too. I can still see her face and hear her voice as clearly as I did nearly two years ago.

I’m still also sorry she never cared enough, in the end, to follow through with her word about seeing me. I believe her feelings at the time were sincere, but I know that today, she probably hardly remembers me and barely ever thinks of me.

Or, as I theorized before, maybe she cared more for me than I thought and maybe that’s why she never contacted me. I’d like to think that the reason she blew me off was just that she fell too hard for a married, long-distance woman. Not that someone talked her out of seeing me, that Ida may’ve said something, that she may’ve got wind about my mail pertaining to her, or simply because someone else stole her heart (although I wouldn’t want her to be alone and lonely). Of course, there’s still always the slim chance she never got the letter, lost my number, or was simply too shy to call.

I think of all the possibilities that could’ve happened had we gotten together and wonder if I should be glad I never got the chance to find out for sure just what would’ve happened. Would I simply have seen her a few times a year? How long would she have been in my life? Would we have become intimate? Would we have both fallen so deeply in love that I’d be willing to risk giving up my home/security to go live with her (though I can’t see myself dumping on Tom like that or being able to live with never seeing him again) and if so, how long would it have lasted? What would a relationship with her be like? As good as I think it’d be? Would we have gotten sick of each other at some point?

Well, I guess I’ll never know what might’ve been, just like she’ll never know just how much I came to love her. I was hot with lust for her, but I was also in love with her. I’m sure I always will be, too.

This isn’t good; starting off a new year still teary-eyed over Teddy Bear. Damn you girl for doing this to me! God, a simple little phone call would’ve been nice. Just a quick little explanation would’ve been better than to be completely ignored. I don’t know, perhaps she felt it was best for both of us.

Although hungry as expected, the diet’s going well so far. I feel I’ve already lost a pound or two. I may actually be able to lose more like 5-10 pounds a week on this diet, and at first I worried that’d cause the cheeks to want to test me more than just one more time, but I’m not going to stop or slow down my dieting for the freeloaders. They’ve had enough control over my body as it is. I also have a voice that can say “no” to any more testing and be the one to call the shots, for once, as far as what I do. One more test. Period. He can have all the non-observed tests he wants, he can even have me strip-searched, but just one more test with eyes upon me.

Anyway, after I’ve been up for 5 hours is when I have my popcorn, and once I’ve been up for 10, I have my meal. At least I have that to look forward to. That’s the one time I get to eat till I’m full, though I’ll be so hungry by then that I don’t know if that meal will exactly fill me up.

We took pre-diet pictures of each other and although mine came out dark, it serves its purpose. I am one big girl! It’s ok, though, it’s all going away. All this fat shall be melted away. I’m totally determined this time around. Perhaps they are right when they say you can’t lose weight for others and that if you try, you’ll most certainly fail. I failed to lose weight for Teddy Bear when I thought she was a person of her word and that I’d surely be seeing her, but this time around will be different. I’ll make sure of it.

The only one I’m skeptical about is Tom. He, like most guys, doesn’t do a very good job at sticking to diets. He only lost a substantial amount of weight once since I knew him. That was back around the mid-90s and he packed the weight right back on. It seems it’s harder for him to stick to exercise than dieting, and exercise is the key to keeping the lost weight off.

We’re hoping to hit the hardware store and get the bike tomorrow.

If I don’t see a link real soon telling me that Chris is on her way, I’m going to be worried. Especially now that the holidays are over. If we don’t, Tom will go to their site and read more about what they say about shipping time. We know UPS takes 3-4 days, but they might not ship the doll out for 4-6 weeks. Hopefully, we’ll find something out soon. It’d really suck if they did send her and UPS misdelivered her. I’ve never known them to be like that, though. That’s why we made it a point to order from those who use UPS and not the post office.

So when I’m between 100-110, I’m skinny, between 110-120, I’m so-so, I’m chunky in the 120s, and fat once I hit 130.

I wonder what’s going on with Webshots. They still haven’t updated the daily pic section.

Tom still insists he wants to get it on, but hasn’t initiated sex only because of my lack of interest, and I still don’t know what to think. I guess I mostly think he’s as uninterested as I am, just by his actions, but what if he’s telling the truth? Then I’d feel guilty. But what would I do about it? Should I lie and say I suddenly want to get it on?

But I don’t. It was Teddy Bear I wanted sex with, but since that will never be, I’m just not interested in doing it with anyone at all. At least not now I’m not. Maybe things will change in time, though I don’t know when. I have a feeling that since I’ve settled into this mode for the last two years, I’m going to stay this way for a very long time, but anything beats being horny all the time and wanting a kid. It was hell on me, totally depressing, to constantly want sex with someone with such a low appetite, and to want a kid I couldn’t have. Besides, sex for the most part with Tom was boring. It was ok in the beginning when it was new, save for the fact that he rarely came, but then in time, with or without his cumming, it just got old. As I said before, the same thing would’ve eventually happened with Teddy Bear.

Later…

Well, now I know what they were working on in back. Yes, that horse is theirs, and they did put up a little corral of some type. Naturally, it had to be in front and towards the side of their house that’s closest to ours. Time will tell if this horse thing is a good thing or not. I wonder if it’ll smell more, but perhaps not with just one horse that’s 400 and something feet away. I guess besides making Maricopa a little smellier, the only real harm it could do would bring more outside activity. Activity that could get close to the house. If the worst they could do, though, is take away a little more of our privacy by riding by the house, then I’ll take it cuz there’s worse shit they could do. They don’t play music that can be heard inside the house and that’s the main thing right there. I’d rather them trash our land, stink the air up, and be outside screaming and barking non-stop than hear shit, particularly the thump of bass or drums, in this house. This might be a good sign. They have been quiet and I’ve always said that it’s the quiet people who move too soon. Well, you wouldn’t normally go out and get a horse, then up and move. I’d say they’ll be here for at least 5 years.

I’m just surprised George would allow it, although if you allow section 8, you’ll pretty much allow anything. Maybe he sold the land and a new owner took over. After all, I haven’t seen his truck in a while.

There’s still house number 4 to be brought in, though, and who’s to say what’ll end up living in that? At least the one closest to us has turned out to be ok. It’s a bitch, but all we have to do is move as soon as God sics us with problem neighbors again. I’m not about to stick around and take the same old shit all over again, believe me! At least they can’t torture us from closer than about 400’!

Well, I guess I’ll go play phone with the doctor’s office and try to set up an ear-cleaning appointment.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2003 Maricopa, AZ Age 37

My starting weight is 133. Ridiculous. Absolutely sickening to weigh that much at this height! But that’s all the more motivation it’ll give me. I’ll have Tom disgust me further when he gets in by taking my pre-diet picture.

Meanwhile, just one more year, freeloaders, just one more year! Almost, anyway, though I know I can’t stop God from picking someone else to sic on me to replace the blacks. All I know is that in about 300 days from now, nothing I do, nothing I say, no place I go, no check or money order we write out, nor my schedule, will ever again be connected to these blacks.

This is the year I rid my life of the bitch forever, the year I get thin again and stay that way for a while, not allowing freeloaders or any other people/circumstances to cause me to regain the weight till I’m ready to do so. The year I, Jodi Lin S, AKA Mystery, Dawn, whatever…shall begin a career in doll making. There are 3 steps to that. One, I get the equipment/supplies and learn to make dolls. Two, I make the dolls I want to make for myself. Three, I sell dolls.

Mary was doing well there for a while with better punctuation, but it was short-lived. Some of the stuff had nothing but commas and I’d have to stop, go back, and decide whether or not that comma should be a period. Sometimes there were even commas where they shouldn’t be. I don’t understand this. Could it be a particular way of teaching at the convent? I doubt it. I can’t imagine any teacher teaching their students to write without punctuation or caps. Especially without punctuation. Anyway, it gets frustrating at times, but I know she’s trying and I understand that habits take time to change. As long as she’s working on it, though. Especially when I’m busier making dolls. That way I can type stuff twice as fast. One step at a time, though. She need not bother with caps yet, just give me periods along with the commas so I know where the ends of sentences are!

It’s a good thing we got only one Flovent inhaler cuz I may have to stop it cuz it’s making my voice hoarse. Once I suspected the Flovent was to blame for this, I checked the list of adverse reactions listed with it and hoarseness was one of them.

The other day Tom came to me and said it just hit him as far as how to fix the doors go. We’ve been going about it all wrong, he told me, and I agreed. Putting barely stickable weather stripping up just to have it fall down was a waste. Anyway, he told me that all we have to do is get some strips of wood the next time he’s at a hardware store and put it in the gap up top. The damn door’s too low and doesn’t quite meet up with the frame up top. We can do the same with the back door.

As for the front door’s leak, Tom caulked the sill from outside the other day, and when the sun comes up I’ll test it by hosing water on it, but somehow I doubt it’s fixed. It’s like we’re doomed to have something that we can’t stop from leaking no matter where we go. We could live in 100 more houses yet each one would have its share of leaks, some of which were unstoppable.

We took the rat guard out of Tom’s office doorway (the curtain rod we screwed in between the floor and underside of the door) and we’ll take the one out in the retreat door just as soon as we get wood for it to make an extension that the rats can’t get through.

Our last mollie died yesterday, and the mouse is still in the house, so I discovered yesterday while I was reading in bed. I saw it run from the bathroom and go behind the nightstand. I set up the trap by it, but just like I thought after I dropped it when I had it trapped in the utility area, I didn’t catch it. I just don’t think I’m going to catch this one. It’s too clever for some reason. Most mice are dumb, but this one remembers the trauma associated with it and avoids it. The big question is, has the mouse been in the house all along? Or is it coming and going through openings we missed? Nonetheless, it hasn’t hurt anything so it can live with us till the next time we bomb, although all it has to do is run down in the vents to escape the fumes, even if we did seal it up so it can’t get outside. I just hope it doesn’t have babies in the house. I love mice, but we don’t need a bunch of them living loose in the house or down in the vents. I miss ceiling vents!

I’m sorry to say that there might be a horse living at the renters. Tom said he heard them trying to teach a kid to ride a bike the other day when he was out working, and I was like, on dirt? What a way to learn! Not that I don’t like horses, but I hope I’m wrong. We have enough horse shit stench in the air as it is, and that’d be just one more thing to drag these people outside. They’re outside so much of the time as it is. They’re always home and always outside unless it’s hot. That’s the pattern I’ve noticed in the year that they’ve been here anyway. If the horse is theirs, that means our land has to be ridden on (till we get fences) and it’d be a wonderful way to bring loud, shrilly kids closer to the house. Besides, what are they going to do? Keep it tethered to their front tree? That’s ridiculous. Shouldn’t they have fences if they’re going to have horses? I’ll check it out when the sun comes up, but hopefully it’s just a case of them knowing someone who came to visit via their horse and it was just waiting for them.

Then again, I don’t remember seeing any saddle or ropes attached to it, so maybe it got loose. But it was there for quite a while and they’d had to have seen it, though I didn’t see any people out when I spotted the horse. Hmm… guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Later…

Oh, my God, I absolutely don’t believe it! I was right about the leak. It was seeping in under the sill. I just tested it and all is as dry as can be.

No horses in back that I can see of either.