#after that ill obv try to eat generally healthy

[sar3nka]

It's absolutely crazy that my body has changed but my weight is... literally normal... hasn't changed since I bounced back after that week long fast. I'm starting to look sick lately. Ordered KFC just now tho :DD gonna be fine,, ahhh. I need to eat cause I desperately need my brain these days.

[always-la-belle-epoque]

hi what is mash and why do you love it so much because i need to know if i need to love it too thanks

Hello, anon! It took a bit because I wanted to put time into my answers, so here you are! 

What Is M*A*S*H: 

M*A*S*H is a tv show about doctors/nurses stationed at a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H) unit on the frontlines of the Korean War. The show focuses on the medical staff as they desperately try to save the lives of young soldiers. Many of the doctors are draftees and they are faced with trying to cope with the horror of a war they want no part of and that is the absolute antithesis to their professional calling. They fight against death every day, struggle against military bureaucracy, and try to keep their sanity. Often that deep stress is released in humor, practical jokes, and wildly unmilitary antics, but the true costs and realities of war are never treated lightly. I’ve never seen another show that can make me laugh so hard and then turn on a dime to make me cry just as deeply a second later. The show is a beautiful examination of human nature, heart, found family, loss, helplessness, despair, exhaustion, humanity, and hope,. 

M*A*S*H ran for 11 years, from 1972-1983 and the finale, Goodbye, Farewell and Amen, is still the most-watched television broadcast in history (the NYC sewer nearly faced collapse because people would all flush the toilet at the same time during commercials, and the streets were totally empty of cars as over half the country, 150+ mil people, watched the finale live together all at the same time. Can you imagine?!). Plus, it’s been in continuous syndication for 45 years which is impressive. M*A*S*H is for all generations, it resonates far beyond the era in which it was made, or which it was made about.

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (in general):

I don’t think there is another show out there in the history of the world that has written such narratively wonderful, deeply moving character arcs. I don’t know if there’s another show out there where the characters grow so much from their relationships with one another. Or a show that depicts masculinity in such a healthy, tender way. It is normal on M*A*S*H for male characters to: Cry. Hug. Tuck each other in. Hold hands. Perform emotional labor. Actively listen. Dance together. Sleep with teddy bears (and not have it be a joke). Admit they were wrong. Change and grow from being wrong. Etc, etc. 

And while Major Margaret Houlihan is the only female lead, her character arc is the most beautiful of any character I have ever watched or read. The show doesn’t start out particularly feminist, but it definitely ends that way (both male and female characters evolve here and it’s wonderful). And if more tv shows had characters half as complex as Margaret Houlihan, tv would be a whole lot more interesting, and women would be a whole lot farther along toward equality, imo. 

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (the personal): 

I was 15 or 16 when I started watching M*A*S*H. I was going through a very dark time in my home life. But my Mom would usually have M*A*S*H on while making dinner or just after. It was their weird time of day where it seemed like a truce between us. Sometimes I’d even sit all 5’8 of my gangly teenage body on her lap and we’d just watch like that with her arms around me (which given that things were darkly terrible the rest of the time it was like being a small kid again in a way I really needed). We’d talk about the characters. We’d talk about the stories. We both loved Margaret Houlihan (it’s interesting that Margaret has the most valuable traits I learned from my Mom - things I like most about her and am grateful she taught me despite all the bad stuff). 

Soon I was racing home after school and jamming in a blank VHS so that I could record each ep. I’d cross reference between tv guide and IMDB to try to see if any eps that I hadn’t seen yet would be on so I could record them for my collection. I made an elaborate cataloging system because they weren’t shown in order! And some eps were shown only rarely!! (I’m only 28, it amazes me that this was how things were not that long ago lol). 

Anyway, the DVD box set came out and I saved up alllllll my $ for it. Thank goodness, because then I got sick and for a few years the M*A*S*H characters were the most consistent and truest friends I had. The show is deeply personal for me. I can watch it over, and over, and over. It makes me laugh, and weep, and cheer. It’s like having friends. Like having family. 

Should You Love M*A*S*H too?

I want you to love M*A*S*H. I want everyone to love M*A*S*H! And M*A*S*H holds up. It’s still radically progressive. It’s still - in this time where North Korea is a frequent headline, where we have a government we do not trust, in a world where we have been at war since 2001 - deeply relevant. 

Here’s the thing though: it was made in the 70s, about events in the 1950s, and this is 2019 tumblr-land. You’ve all read the roasts about lack of critical thinking skills on this website and ability to contextualize, and those posts are unfortunately not wrong. And the world has changed - and changed for even better than what was, at the time, truly radical! Even terms that were the liberal, pc term in the 70s have changed now and are not liberal or pc anymore which for the 2019 watcher might raise eyebrows. But the show is extremely pointed about calling out racism, homophobia, sexism, military fetishism, colonization, etc. I think maybe the only other show I can think of that goes so hard at dogged and relentless political call outs would be One Day at a Time. So I feel protective of M*A*S*H because in 50 years maybe we will look back at ODaaT and say yikes about certain things, though that feels crazy to say now. 

If you do want to watch, here’s my advice (pull down your pants and slide on the ice (sorry, omg M*A*S*H jokeee)): 

Do not start with S1. Start with S4, or S5 even. For one thing, there are some cast changes at the start of S4 so you get intro-ed to everyone again in “Welcome to Korea pt 1 & 2” and “Change of Command.”  It’s a really good starting point to see a lot of characters on the brink of change. Don’t get me wrong, I still really love S1-3 but the characters haven’t grown yet. I love going back because I know them so well, but if you’re just meeting them, I recommend getting to know them in the middle of their journey, watch them evolve, and then go back and see where they started. And I think Col. Potter/BJ really elevated the tone of the show.

Because M*A*S*H is an older tv show, most people who love M*A*S*H never watched the show in order because we could only watched it in syndication! And you don’t really need to watch in order! In fact, CBS had the final call for episode order so sometimes even the air order is different than the writing, filming, intended order. Also, because they had 11 years of content over a 3 years of war, the show itself isn’t chronological. Due to probability (there are just more Potter/BJ eps) I saw more S4+ eps when I was first watching the show so again that’s my newbie preference. Now that it’s on Hulu (and remastered OMG) it might be tempting to watch in order, but really do recommend skipping around or at least starting later in for sure. You’ll learn context as you go (recs below). Then once you get the characters and their arcs it’s suuuuper fascinating to watch in order. 

 Fight me: Is everyone bisexual on this show??! Yes, yes they are. This is where I go full 2019 tumblr-brain, lol, but looking back I think it’s one of the reasons I loved it before I understood myself. It’s gentle, tender, pretty wavy. Alan Alda’s Hawkeye Pierce is, like, arguably canonically bi, like I even wonder if he was intentionally written/played that way on the dl. It’s pretty blatant?? And don’t even get me started on Margaret Houlihan. Godddddddd. 

 On that note, and maybe you will fall over, but Margaret and Hawkeye are my actual, #1, forever OTP. Which is weird for you, dear readers, I’m sure, as I run a v strict wlw blog and I’m very proud about that. But broken people who heal and change and grow because of the other is my tea, jam, and bread (”crackers and jam! too bad!” ;) ),  and so far the writing of other characters and relationships hasn’t a hope of even coming into the range of depth these characters have (obvs not just wlw ships, all other mlw ships are The Worst as well, we’re all doomed, why does tv suck). But anyway, I would take them over any ship any day of the week goombye (but also….shipping Margaret is kinda like….not the point of Margaret Houlihan). 

It’s worth noting that M*A*S*H has a character named Maxwell Klinger who wears a dress to try to get out of the army via a Section 8 (previously known as a “psycho”) discharge (remember lgbtq was still classified as a mental illness, smh). Obviously, this is potentially triggering. And, obviously, not okay in today’s world. To me the show does call out that it is the policies/laws/politics that are crazy, not Klinger. I think there are still some fairly modern ideas in his portrayal in that anyone who treats him like he is crazy, or is disrespectful, is very pointedly shown to be bigoted/an antagonist. Klinger is excellent at his job, brave, loyal, true, and that’s all anyone who is a protagonist cares about (and I do think they try to show to the extend they could during the time it aired that even if Klinger were not doing it for a discharge, they would respond the same way). Fwif, imo, Klinger isn’t played as a one note joke for wearing dresses, in fact, to an extent, he does wear them utterly sincerely. He loves, deeply loves, clothes and fashion because loving something gives him something to live for. It becomes his passion, not a gag. The gag is that Klinger will do anything to get out of the war through any available loophole he hears about (having an imaginary pet camel, eating 10 sausages in a single day, eating a jeep, trying to get into West Point aka join the military to get out of the military), etc. His comrades in arms treat him very sincerely and are very protective. Early on, a jeep comes in with wounded and Radar pulls Klinger away from the blood, “careful, you’ll get your dress dirty” in the most serious, sweet way. Col Potter is always very serious and sincere about telling Klinger when one of his dresses is a fav, and Klinger positively glows. When Klinger has to trade his dress collection to local women in exchange for shelter for the wounded during a bug out, Col. Potter, regular army in his 3rd war, tells Klinger (who is in tears) that it’s the finest act of bravery he has ever seen (and he means it). When Margaret desperately wants to look pretty and Klinger pulls out one of his best frocks and helps her dress in it - Margaret who grew up in combat boots wanting a crew cut - it’s pretty emotional (and I bawl when he gives her the wedding dress, goddd). As for Klinger himself, he’s one of my favorite characters. He has the biggest heart and I love him (and yes, I might feel differently if I had a different life experience than I do - that is why I’m flagging this as something that might not be for everyone, or might be trigger - because history already is triggering, and not everyone might be as moved by him as I am).

If you’re a 30 Rock fan you will know the star Alan Alda as Milton Greeen, Jack Donaghy’s father, and if you love Beauty and the Beast you will know that the actor who voiced Cogsworth is a major (lol pun) character in S6-11! But that’s all crazy to me because they are always M*A*S*H, first and forever, and always in my mind! I can’t believe they’re all in their 80s now, or that so many of them have passed.  :( They are truly my whole heart, my family, my home. 

If you do want to watch, recommend you start with the following eps (omg this list is long but it feels so short):

Welcome to Korea pt 1 + 2 (s4)

Change of Command (s4)

Aid Station (s3)

Death Takes a Holiday (s9)

Carry on, Hawkeye (s2)

Bug Out pt 1 + 2 (s5)

Dear Sigmund (s5)

Period of Adjustment (s8) *my first ep ever :,)

The Bus (s4)

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (s1)

Tuttle (s1)

Crisis (s2)

O.R. (s3)

5 O'Clock Charlie (s2)

The Nurses (s5)

The Interview (s4)

Movie Tonight (s5)

Abyssinia, Henry (s3)

Hepatitis (s5)

Your Hit Parade (s6)

Peace on Us (s7)

Eye for a Tooth (s7)

Old Soldiers (s8)

Life Time (s8)

Stars and Stripes (s8)

Hey, Look Me Over (s11)

There’s a million more things I could say about the show. I feel like I haven’t summarized it justly. If anyone wants to chime in with why they love M*A*S*H, what your fav ep is, etc, please do :)

[not-poignant]

Skejenskkw pia I thought you might be able to give me some advice on this,, I’m tired all the fucking time? I’m assuming it’s because I’ve got an illness my body is dealing with while trying to complete 3 A Levels, 2 of which are coursework subjects. But I’m just so tiiired all the time. I had a nap today and then I felt wORSE and had three hours more naps which just resulted in me feeling even more tired and sick. I hate this and I have no idea how to handle ur cos my mum never really dealt

with the fact I have a lifelong condition that makes my life shit? She didn’t want to “confirm” it I guess so it’s not registered as a condition I have because she never really told the doctors how much it’s affecting me, and even with me I’m only just now starting to teach myself that this condition affecting my life and not allowing me to do certain things is okay, and I’m not just weak. My mum had a constant attitude of I just need to “get over it” so idk I just have no idea how to deal /:             

*

I mean the person you really need to start speaking to about this is definitely a doctor, without a parent present if possible. It may be worth using an app or tracker to start monitoring your symptoms (or to just write them down say twice a day) and also monitor how it impacts your quality of life (i.e. socialising, studying, working, general feelings about life etc.) I’m not really sure what A levels are or ‘coursework subjects’ are because I’m Australian, aside from being intense and relating to school.

It’s hard to give advice because, along with me not being a medical specialist of any kind, there are a lot of things that can cause chronic tiredness - hundreds of diseases (probably thousands), and also many mental illnesses as well. Sometimes it can be cured, sometimes it can’t. But it can almost always be managed with good medical care. Sometimes people do feel worse after long naps. The current recommended length of a nap is well under three hours. Sick people may need to sleep longer, but if you come out of a sleep cycle at the wrong point, you’ll feel exhausted anyway, which goes for healthy people as well.

Imho, the most important thing is to - where possible - start validating for yourself what’s happening. This may be through doctor’s appointments, or seeing a therapist if it’s possible, or looking into coping mechanisms for chronic illness, looking at how you eat / exercise (obvs where possible) / stay hydrated etc., considering something like mindfulness meditation (it won’t cure the tiredness, but it can help with the despair that comes with it). 

It may also be worth looking into chronic illness support groups etc. on Facebook. It sounds like you already know you have a condition, even though you haven’t disclosed it, chances are there are probably support groups on the internet for it. Many people with chronic illnesses and mental illnesses are sadly invalidated by parents, so you’ll also realise that you’re definitely not alone in your situation, and that helps with external validation as well .

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time, anon. Keep taking care of yourself!

[tinknevertalks]

(You'll be fine!) 🐺, 🌜, 🦀, 🅱️

(And @youblowuponesun7 suggested I answer them all... So I will. XD (And so should you, person who is @youblowuponesun7)) (Urk, if that doesn’t show, @viennainspringtime went for cat, moon, crab, and the letter B in a square. XD)

Thanks for the asks, lovelies! XD (I bet half these pics won’t work.)

🌡- What television programs do you watch when you’re home sick? - I don’t get ill very often, but usually something easy to watch, that I’ve seen before... So Stargate SG1 or Red Dwarf.

🎂- What’s your opinion on over-the-top competition shows like Chopped or The Amazing Race? - Eh, if I fancy watching them, cool, but otherwise it’s at my periphary and I don’t take much notice. (Saying that, until it moved to C4 (and Sandi fricken Toksvig took over - she reminds me of my aunt too much for comfort) I loved The Great British Bake Off. And The Great British Sewing Bee...)

🍖- How much food does it take to make you feel completely stuffed? - More than is healthy? It depends on the food (obvs), but yeah... I can put food away. :-/

💐- Do you like aesthetic posts/blogs? What would you say your ‘Aesthetic’ is? - I like them ok. My aesthetic... I’m not quite sure what it is (if it was a board I’m pretty sure some of the pics would be a chubby girl in jeans, a notebook and pen, Helen Magnus in a leather jacket, food, a stock pic of a mum and daughter, CDs in a pile... Huh, ok, that’s my aesthetic, things that bring comfort and Helen Magnus. XD)

💃- Can you swing dance? - Nope. :(

💎- What would it a suitor have to do to win your hand in marriage? - Mark was just his weird self and I liked it enough to put a ring on it. XD

👻- Do you enjoy Halloween? What do you usually do during the holiday? - Yes. I used to dress up. Now I just love seeing all the kids on the block in their costumes.

📬- How excited do you get when you get a letter addressed to you (that isn’t a bill or junk mail)? - Super excited! XD Love getting post!

🎞- Do you or your parents have any baby pictures? - Of myself or of babies in general? There’s like one each of mam and dad in the house, a bunch of me (not so many of my sibs - we got progressively poorer and pictures weren’t taken as often because it cost a bomb to get them developed), and a bunch of Charlie (because technology now is awesome).

📲- How often do you get texts/calls from your mother? - Personal ones, not often at all. Work related? Almost daily. I work with her though so that’s why.XD

🗜- What’s the worst injury you’ve ever gotten? How bad was it? - I haven’t really had bad injuries? Had a car crash once, came away with bruising and a friction burn (and enough stress that I thought I missed a period, hadn’t, that October I had Charlie).

☁️- Describe a dream you’ve had that’s always stuck with you. - Dad as the Terminator. DX

🌜- What’s your favorite bedtime story/lullaby? - The Wizard of Oz as a story. Lullaby... Oddly, I loved singing Small Bump to Charlie when she was a baby because I used to sing along to it when I was pregnant and it would chill her out. :)

🍏- Is there something you refuse to eat no matter what? - Probs, but can’t think off the top of my head what it is.

☃️- What’s your opinion on snow days? Do you bundle up and play or it an opportunity to sleep in? - I LOVE snow, and I like playing in it for a little while, but after that I want a hot chocolate and to stay in whilst everyone plays. XD

🦀- When you travel, do you like to try local cuisine and flavors? Or will you stay within your comfort zone? - Not travelled enough. I’d like to think I’d try something different but I doubt I would.

💮- Have you ever been a ‘Good Samaritan’ to a total stranger or acquaintance? What happened? - Gave someone a parking pay and display ticket thing that had 50 minutes left on it because I wasn’t going to be using it. They were over the moon (but we’re a thrifty bunch around here, so that could be why XD).

👗- What outfit will you wear out on a date? - Depends on where we’re going. Last date I wore a dress, the one before I was in jeans... Mark doesn’t care overly much so long as we hold hands and have a good time. :)

🅱️- Favorite meme? - “Is this a [whatever]?” Dunno why, I like it.

🐺- If a witch cursed you, what creature do you think they’d turn you into? - A frog, because I used to be cool with them but not seen one in years so I don’t know how I’d react. Or a spider, because they are evil. XD

In other news, the midwife appointment went fine. Blood pressure was peachy (120/70, pick the lumps outta that!). Couple of things to keep an eye on (weight, gestational diabetes, possibility of PND, weight... I said weight already... Still...) but otherwise she was happy. My dating scan is on the 22nd August (so early birthday present for me! XD). Happy times! (I might start a preggo-blr so anyone who wants to avoid pregnancy posts can avoid without having to blacklist words because I’m not sure how I’m gonna tag shit.)

It was time to go home.

[redlipsfortheguillotine]

Dr Took My Appendix or: How I Learned to Stop Searching and Love the Iron, Part II

Part II Appendixgate

Now I’m not someone who believes things happen for a reason. Not at all. I think things happen, some of which as a result of our own actions, for better or worse, some as a result of the actions of others, and some just randomly. But I think every time something happens, we have choices. Bad breakup, fail an exam, have a drinking problem, get robbed, anything really – we choose what to do with it, if we can. Sort of like when people say depression happens for a reason. Yeah, the reason is usually being born with mental illness, developing them in life or as a result of another illness, medication etc. It’s not that deep, and it’s a shitty deal. Likewise, I believe freak medical emergencies happen for the reason that, well, they just do. Disease, accident or in this case, standard appendix ticking time bomb gone awry.

On July 31st I went to bed feeling totally fine. Well, still bored and insufferable. But fine. August 1st, I woke up at 4am with stabbing pains in my gut. Sort of similar at that point to the pain you get when you have food poisoning or a bad GI bug. I got up, had some quick and horrendous toilet action, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I called in sick to my practicum (which I only did because I couldn’t stand up straight because of the pain). Mid morning, I took a taxi to the ER, because it was much worse. Appendicitis vaguely occurred to me since right lower quadrant pain is a hallmark of the condition. I was given an ultrasound by the bedside – note, bedside ultrasounds are less reliable, and ultrasounds in general are unreliable when performed on someone with abdominal fat as the visibility is bad. The Dr said it “probably” wasn’t appendicitis so he wasn’t going to do a CT, and that it would either get better or worse. He said he’d get me some Advil (seriously, on behalf of the entire medical establishment I’m sorry we think an Advil is helpful for anything that brought you to the ER). He forgot, and I went home. I took Advil every 4 hours, which took the pain from a 9 down to a 7, so that was the routine. My pain level of 10 up to this point in my life was my first IUD insertion about 9 years ago, just for reference. At this point my practicum instructor called me and reassured me that when I got in on Tuesday we’d sort out a way for her to test my skills and we’d figure out the missed hours.

On August 2nd, I woke up feeling still shitty, but hoped I could get a lost of rest. Around lunchtime I started feeling a bit weird and nauseous. I turned off the fan and curled up on the couch with a blanket. I was freezing, which is obvs weird as I am always sweaty. Suddenly I realized I was going to puke, and walked to the bathroom, noting that I was walking into furniture on the way. I went to throw up, didn’t, and sat down on the bathroom floor. I noticed my toes and feet were super pale and blueish, stood up and saw my face was too, and my lips were purple. Now I may just be in the beginning of LPN school but I know that these are bad things. I said out loud to my reflection, “this is bad, I’m scared.” Then I stumbled on back to the living room to call my mum, and as I leaned over the couch my fingers smartly dialed 911. I explained my situation and was told not to eat or drink in case I threw up, and that there were no ambulances available but they’d send one when they had one. Yeah. That’s a thing. Probably worth its own blog post. I took my temp which was 38.5, so that got me thinking, well maybe this IS appendicitis. But what’s with the weird feeling? I called my mum, who called Al on her cell while talking to me on her house phone (and tried at one point to put the phones together so Al and I could hear each other – useless, but cute!). I asked her to help me time my pulse, which I discovered was 160. Um, shit, I thought. It’s normally 76, so this is an issue. 

55 minutes later the ambulance showed up, at the same time as Allan arrived from work. I got into the bus and the paramedic and I agreed that I was super sweaty, and my pulse was nuts. I told him the Dr had said maybe it was the stomach flu, and he gave me the paramedic face that says “this is definitely not the stomach flu it’s obviously an infection but I don’t diagnosis so I’m not saying that.” Got to the ER, where we all learned together that getting an IV into a sweaty arm is very hard. No IV Gravol for me! A bed became available, and as soon as I stood up nausea gave way to me telling the paramedic I needed to poop. Yep that’s what I said, at age 34 to a paramedic “I need to poop.” Allan came in with me to make sure I didn’t pass out, and then we both quickly decided we weren’t ready for same room pooping, so he stood outside. While, I might add, another patient screamed that she was dying. Hospitals are awesome. Anyway, I got to the bed, and thankfully saw a smart and pro Dr, who said “this is going to hurt,” poked me in the gut hard and whipped his hand away. (Rebound pain is a fairly definitive mark of appendicitis, it’s the removal of pressure that really hurts). I scream-moaned and he said “K! Appendicitis I think, let’s get you some morphine and a CT scan.” Morphine is awesome, just for the record, and I went from pain that was now a 10 to a nice fuzzy 5. The CT showed my appendix was 3 times its normal size, with probable fluid collection which could indicate rupture, and p.s. I have 3 accessory spleens (called splenules!) that are maybe useful and probably cute. Got scheduled for emergency surgery 45 minutes later.

Woke up and discovered what a 10 on the pain scale REALLY feels like. Yuck. What I thought was 15 minutes in the recovery room was actually 2 hours of Al feeding me ice chips until they could get my pain down. Two 5mg doses of fentanyl later and a lot more ice chips (and Allan asking me questions about North Korea for his own amusement) and I got wheeled to my room. Nb: fentanyl gets shit-talked but medically it’s epic, it’s just only great in a medically supervised environment where you can be reminded to breathe and the dose is exact. Though you’ll do stuff like text your friend and have no recollection of doing so. But I digress. I soon discovered I had a drain extending from my belly, to collect what was in fact a ton of fluid from the ruptured appendix and the large abscess that caused said rupture. The next couple of days involved a lot of pain (a new 10! Post surgical pain after fentanyl wears off), a lot of Dilaudid (aka hydromorphone - also gets shit-talked, also great in a medical setting), a bunch of crying, me trying to convince my surgeon that I had to get out and go to my practicum, and a lot of help from nurses, my mum and my husband. We nurses are obsessed with whether post-surgical patients are passing gas. This is because we need to ensure bowel paralysis is not an issue. No exception here, I had someone asked me if I had passed gas every couple of hours. All I wanted to do was lie in bed, but I know walking helps gas passing, and I now completely understand how hard it is to get post-surgical patients to walk around. But I did. I’d walk up and down the hallway with Allan and my IV pole as support, ensuring my drain was securely pinned to my gown so it didn’t pull on that incision. I had low BP so lots of potassium IV, I had about 5 bags of IV antibiotics a day, and Heparin shots to prevent blood clots. On the day I was released I had my surgical drain removed. This involves a friendly nurse pulling a couple of feet of tubing out of you, followed by a 12-inch piece of plastic, while you make alien noises and try to breathe out enough for your ab muscles to stop trying to pull the tubing back in. You guessed it – new 10 on the pain scale. Luckily, I can’t remember that pain, cause my mind was like NOPE block that shit out. I got home, and thank Odin for Allan, who fed me healthy food and toweled me off after showers (and made fun of me for making him carefully dry between my toes), gave me meds because I was too high to correctly dose myself, and carried my pillows to and from the couch/bed every day. It took about 3 weeks of inactivity and my formerly unshakable quad muscles atrophied to nothing.

For the first time in my life, I felt an overwhelming need to go to the gym. More specifically, I wanted to lift weights. I felt weak. After surgery, the drain and what turned out to be sepsis, I was wrecked (thank you Dr idiot for sending me home instead of getting me a CT scan, thank you me for following my intuition when I knew there that my body was screaming at me that something really bad was happening). I’m fine, but sepsis kills people, and as I know now it takes about a month to recover from. Then some recovery from all the antibiotics themselves. But honestly, I’m so grateful for antibiotics and for the paramedics and for that second Dr for quickly and correctly diagnosing me. I could have done without knowing what sepsis felt like but I’m glad I now do, for my own benefit and the benefit of my future patients. I went through a lot of feelings (even more than usual!) over those weeks, from being angry I couldn’t finish my practicum or continue onto the next term with my friends, to feeling lucky to be alive, from feeling good that I had a break from the school work I had not been handling well. Eventually, I settled somewhere in between all of those feelings. I enjoyed the food Al made for me (including actual vegetables for the first time in months). I gave up coffee, which my Dr had been suggesting for oh, several years. (I suggest trying to quit coffee while immobile, without responsibility, and hopped up on drugs, it’s much easier). I watched several seasons of RuPauls’ Drag Race, and eventually, I started watching CrossFit documentaries on Netflix.  This was the first sign that something was very different. I was choosing to watch fit people on tv, and I wasn’t crying that I was out of shape and they were better than me – I was feeling inspired. Needless to say, I’m not sure if I found it stranger or if Allan did, but it was clear that post-surgery Rachel was perhaps some sort of Rachel 2.0.

Part III coming soon

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0

[useless-lesbian-canadian]

All the numbers ✨

this was almost mean in a way cause its so late but here you go, i dunno why youd wanna know all that about me but thanks for making me do them all i guess :P 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?- tbh i dont even know, its been too long3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? - my mom, she’s coming to the city sunday. i miss her. 4. Are you easy to get along with? -i would like to think so yes, i try to be easygoing and nice so theres that. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? -no7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - i mean i think id want to be, i doubt it would happen tho….8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? - honestly nobody..9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - sorta, i mean i get that its so mainstream but I’ve never been one to talk about it unless its with someone I’m interested in and have know/had a connection to for a while. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - someone who i no longer in my life so it doesn’t matter. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? -“ lol am i supposed to support you eating them or stop you tho” to my cousin12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? -  Stay- Zedd & Alessia Cara, How Not To- Dan + Shay, Lights Down Low- Max Ft Gnash, Happier- Ed Sheeran and still giving it up for Closer- Chainsmokers & Halsey 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? - if i like you yes, if i dont then dont touch.14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? - sorta, i believe in luck, and that I’m one of the unlucky ones, but not sold on miracles yet15. What good thing happened this summer? - i moved to Edmonton! YAY16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? - fuck i dont recall who that was, but i think it was a friendly weird drunk thing so probably not. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? -yes to think otherwise is extremely stupid and arrogant to think humans are the only life out there18. Do you still talk to your first crush? - no, well i mean unless we’re in a group setting, 19. Do you like bubble baths? - i love baths in general, I’m sad i only have a shower right now :( 20. Do you like your neighbors? - i dont know them, i dont like where they park their car tho21. What are you bad habits? - uh I’m bad at texting back, sometimes i dont think before i speak/type, 22. Where would you like to travel? - the world, Greece, Ireland, Switzerland, Australia 23. Do you have trust issues? - oh fuck yeah, ill admit to that,24. Favorite part of your daily routine? - sleeping?? 26. What do you do when you wake up? - either check my phone or get something to drink27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - a little darker, my family was making fun of me a couple weekends ago cause i look like a ghost in our family photo28. Who are you most comfortable around? - my family and cousin and our friend group29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? - ha, haha hahaha that would require them to use words to break up and not just ghost away out of my life forever. 30. Do you ever want to get married? - maybe, if i find the right person. 31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? nope not at all32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? - tbh idk, I’m more on the demisexual scale here and i dont really think of sleeping with random people including celebrities 33. Spell your name with your chin. no I’m too tired34. Do you play sports? What sports? - soccer and basketball for fun with the fam 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? -tv, i need music to live36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - uh i dont think so37. What do you say during awkward silences? - ramble or ask weird or lame questions 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? - nice and kind with a good sense of humour, has to have some smarts and be a little more mature, but still can fool around. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? -hollister, their jeans are great, winners, warehouse one, 40. What do you want to do after high school? I’m way past high school, still dont know41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - yes but not on everything. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? - i could just be observing, or I’m a little sad, or maybe I’m uninterested in the topic43. Do you smile at strangers? - i try to44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? oh fuck uh ocean i guess45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? - the need to have money to stay living 46. What are you paranoid about? -nothing really i dont think47. Have you ever been high? -nope48. Have you ever been drunk? - yup, wish i was right now49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - not that i know of51. Ever wished you were someone else? - sorta, wished i was different than i am 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?  - everything53. Favourite makeup brand? -…….. moving on 54. Favourite store? - walmart cause its cheap and I’m poor55. Favourite blog? - oh uh idk56. Favourite colour? -blue or purple57. Favourite food? -pizza58. Last thing you ate? - mcdonalds chicken burger59. First thing you ate this morning? - left over wings, so unhealthy but I’ve had a bad week sue me 60. Ever won a competition? For what? i won the music award for highest mark in school. 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? -nope i was a good little nerd62. Been arrested? For what? -nope 63. Ever been in love? - yup, do not recommend 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? - it was with my best friend we were 15 in my basement, he was to shy so i kissed him first it was nothing special, turns out I’m gay as fuck65. Are you hungry right now? - nope66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? - ……..67. Facebook or Twitter? - twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr? -tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? -no70. Names of your bestfriends? - like irl, Sam, Haley, Zach Cassidy, Des71. Craving something? What?- a relationship that lasts 72. What colour are your towels?- blue, and i have a hudsons bay one that is HB colours72. How many pillows do you sleep with? - 4 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - yup gotta have melman with me74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? - uh under 20 but thats all I can say 75. Favourite animal? - puppy! 76. What colour is your underwear? -navy blue77. Chocolate or Vanilla? -choco!78. Favourite ice cream flavour? -choco or cotton candy79. What colour shirt are you wearing? -grey and it says hog wars 80. What colour pants? - no pants81. Favourite tv show? -atm survivor 82. Favourite movie? - ghostbusters but then new one obvs 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? - mean girls is that even a question?84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? - mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? - Glen Coco86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? - Dory87. First person you talked to today? - my cousin88. Last person you talked to today? - my cousin, we’re roommates so...89. Name a person you hate? -Trump90. Name a person you love? - my mom91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - eh sorta, i like punching thins when I’m in a bad mood but i dont because that not healthy 92. In a fight with someone? -nope93. How many sweatpants do you have? - uh 4/594. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? - uh 10 maybe95. Last movie you watched? - Moana 96. Favourite actress? - oh shit uh atm melissa mcarthy 97. Favourite actor? - ryan reynolds 98. Do you tan a lot? i burn99. Have any pets? no my dad does tho i count them sometimes 101. Do you type fast? - yeah sometimes 102. Do you regret anything from your past?- a lot of shit man, way to much. 103. Can you spell well? - nope this is just a fact 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? - you know what no, they dont deserve it 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? - all the time, I’m a country kid at heart106. Ever broken someone’s heart? - i dont think so107. Have you ever been on a horse? -no horses scare me 108. What should you be doing? - sleeping109. Is something irritating you right now? - sorta 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - hahahahah fuck off yes111. Do you have trust issues? - didn’t i answer this already???112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? - probably all my fam at my great grandmas funeral 113. What was your childhood nickname? -Cera after the triceratops from land before time 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? - yup to Italy, LA, and British Columbia 115. Do you play the Wii? - used to 116. Are you listening to music right now? -nope 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?- yes 118. Do you like Chinese food? - yes119. Favourite book? - i can’t remember its name but its gay as fuck 120. Are you afraid of the dark? -nope121. Are you mean? - i dont think so122. Is cheating ever okay? - no never 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? - for some time yes 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? -no125. Do you believe in true love? - idk it constantly changes, sometimes 126. Are you currently bored? -nah not really127. What makes you happy? - music, my family, food 128. Would you change your name? - no 129. What your zodiac sign? - leo130. Do you like subway? - yes131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? - too bad bro I’m gay 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? - this was already a question stop repeating 133. Favourite lyrics right now? - Yeah, you're worth the heartbreak and the regret But I don't know how not to Think about you When it's late at night and quiet134. Can you count to one million? - yes135. Dumbest lie you ever told?- a guy asked if i was single while i was working so i said no because fuck if I’m gonna deal with that 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? - closed137. How tall are you? - 5'5138. Curly or Straight hair?- its wavy 139. Brunette or Blonde? -im a blonde, tend to like the brunettes tho 140. Summer or Winter?- summer141. Night or Day? - night142. Favourite month? - august 143. Are you a vegetarian?- nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? -milk145. Tea or Coffee? - neither 146. Was today a good day? -it was ok 147. Mars or Snickers? - snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote? - its song lyrics but “beauty goes deeper than the surface” aka half of my tattoo 149. Do you believe in ghosts? - oh hell yeah