#actually this question reminds me of a few things from another RP I used to be in years ago

[autumnslance]

I have a question! How do you get over a fear of writing and creating a character? I try to write but I start feeling anxious. My brain doesn’t want to come up with anything. Even trying to imagine a character in another series causes the anxiety. I know I should stop but I don’t like the idea of stopping as I feel like I’m failing.

Is it the creation, or the potentially sharing with others, that's actually scary? Is it what others may say? Is it feeling like what you might come up with isn't "good enough" in some way? Is it fear of a self-insert, or of being derivative? Feeling like you have to create characters and stories to be in fandom, rather than wanting to create for the sake of it?

A lot of times, it's our fear of how others might react or think that stops us. We're afraid of looking dumb, or oblivious, or otherwise Incorrect in some way, and that we'll be ridiculed or scorned for it. We're taught to fear failure and the judgment we think comes with it.

It's easy to say "kill the cop in your head" and "screw what others think, create for yourself" but it IS hard, if it's a point we want to even get to for ourselves.

So figure out what part of the process actually is scary. I guarantee it's not actually "all of it!" There's at least a ranking of "scariest" to "least scary but still nerve-wracking". Once named and acknowledged, and broken down, it's a little easier to tackle.

I made up stories and characters in my own head for years before I ever shared them with anyone. A teacher singling out my and another student's stories as meeting the mark of an assignment in completely opposite ways helped. Screwing up the courage to post to my high school's nascent lit journal was hard.

I was terrified. I was one of the weird kids constantly bullied or ignored. If people knew who I was, they didn't like me cuz I was awkward and unsociable. But I wanted to write, and adults I trusted who read the few things I actually turned in told me I was decent at it, so I did it scared anyway.

And nothing bad happened. Some folks thought my stories were OK. If they said anything at all.

It took me several years before I was able to post anything online. Some was access. Some was fear. Some was feeling like I didn't have characters or stories to share. I got into roleplay, online and in person. My characters were...well, LynMars, my usual handle, is from a Vampire LARP character I played over 20 years ago, and made a lot of baby roleplayer mistakes on. I did her dirty in many ways. She wasn't a good character. Had a basic screwed up backstory but no real goals or plans. I played her for a few years and learned a lot from her, and so she's stuck with me as a reminder.

Several of my characters from those days weren't great; unimaginative, derivative, some very much "wow I did not know better back then..." But...we had stupid goofy RP fun anyway, learned from those characters and each other, tried new things. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they didn't. A lot of times it was nerve-wracking.

There's a lot I write that I don't post. Some because it isn't ready yet. Some because I'm not ready and don't know that I ever will be. It's scary. And some of that is the bully still in my head, and I know it, and some days that's easier to deal with than others. Some days I can tell the bully to screw off. Sometimes I keep those stories private, I tell myself as indulgences.

I give myself the grace to fail, and remind myself that doing it scared anyway is where many of us live every day.

Anxiety sucks. Even with meds and therapy, it doesn't entirely go away. Figuring out how to work around it, or through it, or even wrangle it into submission and work for oneself, is tricky and individual. But it doesn't own or define you and your creativity.

Start small. Start simple. Start for yourself and don't worry about sharing it yet. If making up a new character is hard, find a favorite canon character, marinate and rotate that blorbo in your brain awhile, then file the serial numbers off as you imagine them in What Ifs and AUs. Share only if and when you're ready, if it's a thing you want to actually do.

And you may not. You don't have to create anything to be part of fandom. You don't have to have OCs with full backstories and planned futures. You don't have to write or draw or screenshot stories. You can just vibe.

Find why you want/need to create. How much it means to you. Isolate what parts of creation and/or sharing are so scary. Figure out if it's something you personally truly want or need. Then you'll be able to chart your path forward, one way or another.

[sally-mun]

Since that last question is off the table, how's about this: How would the Brotherhood handle the events of Sonic Unleashed? Do they have any knowledge of the Gaia Prophecy? Would Chaos be the one to keep the oceans from draining like he is in the reboot? And would this finally be the catastrophe that gets Knuckles to finally meet his family, or would this happen way later down the line? Would the brotherhood be prepared in the SLIGHTEST for the planet shattering like that?

I've got to admit first that I never finished Sonic Unleashed because, outrageously bad game design choices aside, I initially played the Wii version and oh my god the Werehog's controls on narrow suspended ledges made the game unbeatable for me. It made me so angry that I've never tried the Xbox 360 version despite owning it and having heard it's better. OKAY, confessions are out of the way, onward and sideways.

So I think it's safe to say that this would have to be late enough in the timeline that Knuckles would definitely know the rest of his family by this point. Maybe I'm biased on that, because I'm looking at it through the lens of my own RP. I know the events of Unleashed aren't in the RP's backstory, which can thus only mean that if they occur at all it's only in the future.

As far as the Brotherhood's handling of it, I think it'd be a really strong shock to their system -- partly because they're more or less 'retired' at this point in the game, and partly because they can't just ignore this shit, it will definitely affect them and their people. Historically the BH tends to keep to their own business and leave the surface world to its problems, but they can't fall back on that philosophy now. For one thing, Angel Island ain't even a thing anymore, so now "the surface world" is necessarily their problem because they live there. Another is the fact that a global catastrophe means they can't just bury their heads and look out strictly for the echidnas, either. What happens to the rest of the world will undoubtedly have consequences for Albion, because C'MON GUYS THE PLANET'S KINDA IN PIECES RIGHT NOW. IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT, YA MIGHT WANNA GET ON IT.

So I suppose that means the biggest takeaway is that it would force the Brotherhood to get involved with other hero groups and be cooperative, especially with there being so few individuals that can use chaos on the scale that they can. I want to say they'd probably be oblivious to the idea of Gaia or its related texts, if just because they spent so long isolated on Angel Island before it went down and they haven't really spent their time on the surface learning about their neighbors. Safe to say they'd be pretty blindsided by the entire situation but probably also trying to give the impression that they should hold some form of authority. Because, well, they're the BH, why wouldn't they think that?

What makes it a little... I don't know, I don't want to say "sad" or "disappointing," but something in that vein, is that by "The Brotherhood" I really only mean Sojourner, Thundy, and Sabre at this point. Spectre has been bedridden for a while, Athair ascended into some Walker-like astral plane or something afaik, and Moritori.... well I mean we DID do one RP years ago where Knuckles found him out in the world trying to live a normal life, but my god he was already so old at that point, and now that it's been even more years since then, he's probably dead by now. Honestly that one session where Knux tracked him down was SO early in the RP too that a lot of backstory wasn't concretely established yet, so I don't even know if that's canon anymore. I DON'T KNOW RP CAN BE WILD SOMETIMES. Anyway my point is that Sojo, Thundy, and Sabre are the BH equivalent of the Three Stooges these days so that'd be an extra layer of "lol wtf are they doing--"

[vwoop-prince]

Had a dream comparable to @n-anon ‘s usual Anti shenanigans and felt the need to share the bullshittery

@markiplier this is your fault

Mark posted a teaser that showed a lot of different rooms in pretty dark lighting. One was split into different sections with a small platform and I’d say it’s like a home theater, except there was another divot to regular floor level in the platformed area. Another had an altar under a window that was filled with books and scrolls that reminded me of Marvin, even though that’s yknow Jack’s ego and not Mark’s. Another had even darker lighting, heavy curtains closed over two windows, some kind of dresser underneath the right one with some trinkets on top. A door was across from the dresser, a bed very close to the left of the door, two closets on the left side of the bed and another door after the small closets. There was something sticking out of the rightmost closet and the other door had a 3D effect on it.

On September 1st, Mark uploaded something not even close to that. It was similar to the WAIA but way lower quality, a single video, and basically just Wilford saying “Alright, it’s time to post it! Let’s go--wait it’s not the right date? We missed the actual date we teased? Why can’t we just upload it now? No? Too much? Alright, fine.” then he pointed a gun at the camera and shot it. And there gets into the actual dream bits.

Mark was in a fairly empty warehouse-style grocery store and went up to me, asking me what I thought of the video that came out today. I said it clearly wasn’t what was teased, and I know it was meant to be uploaded on the 20th of August, but c’mon, man. I asked him what it was he teased and hinted at and he said “Oh, yeah, that. Well, it’s past the 20th so I can’t really upload it now... but I can show you so you can tell everyone else!” I told him my memory sucks and I wouldn’t really be able to tell anyone who could believe me, he said too bad and dragged me to a door that led to a long hallway.

The first door had a nameplate above it that said Derek. Inside was the platform room, with the definition of “good” on a wall. Eric Derekson, distinctly not Derek, was on the platformed section, standing just in front of the sunken bit inside the raised area. There was a projector screen behind him, and this I don’t remember anything of. I know it showed some backstory about him and Derek, I know he was hesitant about this “whole thing, Mark, is this really necessary? Couldn’t we just have videos like Warfstache?” Mark waved him off and the moment the backstory video thing was over, he dragged me from the room before I could ask any questions about what the fuck I just saw.

I remember seeing Bim Trimmer, an amount of Googlepliers that wasn’t all of them (I think blue, green, and Oliver? or just blue and oliver), Bing, and briefly Illinois. Bim’s room was basically just a room that would fit that RP Mark did years ago on here, the Googlepliers’ rooms was like its own little house filled with futuristic hologram things and a lot of weapons, Bing crashed the Google’s house and caused me and Mark to leave early, and Illinois was running from a massive monster that I don’t even think I can describe in the hallways that caused us to go down a side hallway that lead to a single room before a bigger hallway that still had Illinois running around it.

The nameplate above that door was empty, but Mark opened the door for me and dipped without joining me, unlike all the previous rooms. This was just a regular bedroom, it seemed. Bed immediately to the left of the door, dresser with some things on it straight in front of the door, two windows on the dresser wall with sheer black curtains pulled away to let in the sun. Two small closets with sliding doors was on the left side of the bed, the closer closet being fully open and the farther one slightly opened. Probably a hundred or so books and scrolls were scattered around the closets, nightstand, and a few were on the dresser.

A standing mirror was between the farther closet and the window. In it I could see the door on the other side of the bed, wide open into what looked like a small room with nothing in it. Darkiplier stood staring into something the mirror couldn’t show, but when I saw him he turned his face to stare into the mirror and at me. “Come” he said. “Let me show you.” The weird monster things chasing Illinois came through the small hallway and stood outside the door, but they couldn’t even get past the doorway before they recoiled back and continued down the hallway. I wasn’t in any immediate danger besides whatever Dark could do and Mark wasn’t here to force me along quickly, so I ignored Dark and looked around his bedroom.

The walls were a cooler-toned off white and had nothing on them. The floor was a dark stained wood, a fluffy white rug placed over most of it. The king-sized bed was nothing special, just a black bedframe and white sheets with no designs. The dresser was black like the bedframe and looked like normal, with some crystals in various shapes in the back corner. Plants lined the windows. Scrolls in some kind of funky language were unrolled on the dresser. I skipped looking through the windows and didn’t look at the nightstand for too long once I realized it was closer to Dark than I was comfortable with and was just filled with the same scrolls.

The mirror was very ornate, yet made from a shiny silver-like metal that I wasn’t sure was actually silver. The closet closest to Dark just had clothes, lots of suits and some plain t-shirts that reminded me of the beginning to AHWM’s blooper reel. I ignored it in favor of the slightly opened closet. A statue of a lady carved from a black crystal held the door open. I crouched to look inside the closet and saw some candles and a doll laying on the ground. The rest of it was more clothes, but I opened the door a bit further. Dark was standing in the doorway of the mystery room instead of staring at whatever he was before. I asked him what all the scrolls were about. “Storm-summoning” he said. “Nothing more”. There were way too many scrolls for all of them to be for summoning a thunderstorm, but I wasn’t about to try my luck and ask further.

I picked up the crystal lady and moved her a bit outside the closet. I picked up the doll that was in front of the candles. It looked a bit like a little girl with two heads in a red dress. I felt a hand on my head, squeezing it just slightly and I could feel eyes staring at what I was doing. I put the doll back down where it was--tried to get the same spot and orientation, too--and the hand stopped squeezing. I moved the crystal lady back into the closet and went to shut the door when Dark moved away from me, towards the door leading to the hallway.

I stood up and went to follow him. He stopped me a foot from where the door would swing closed. “Are you sure you’ve found it all?” he asked. Then he left, and I could hear the monsters coming from the direction he didn’t. I shut the door he left open and saw a reflective something to its left. A small hole in the wall. I pressed on it and it opened more. In the hidden room was a lot of blurry polaroid pictures pinned to the black walls. I could only tell what they were because of a mostly red one that had tan blobs poking out of either side and its top, a black mass hiding another big tan blop. It was Actor!Mark’s dead body from WKM. Another picture looked like the beginning of AHWM when he jumped down from the glass ceiling to tell us the mission.

The WKM mirror was on the left wall. A sink and another mirror was on the wall with the door out. I looked at the mirror and saw that all the polaroid pictures behind me were unblurred. There was a clipping from a pamphlet or newspaper tapped to the side of the ornate mirror. It showed a bubbling sink, draining the sink, and digging into the drain “to unclog it”. The sink in front of the mirror was bubbling.

I opened the plug and drained the sink slowly. Something was definitely blocking it. I reached down to pry the plug up more because there was no way i was sticking my fingers down there when the plug could move and open it up more. I was so focused on trying to rip the plug up that when I pulled up and looked into the mirror, I saw Dark standing behind me with his arms crossed and eyes staring straight into mine through the mirror. He wasn’t doing anything else, and when I finally popped the plug out and a statue of a crow with two heads came out with it, he only nodded his head and told me to follow him before Mark came back. He was going to the room he was in when I first came in, I heard Mark banging on the closed door to the hallway, and I realized this was why Mark couldn’t just upload it on the 20th.

It was an escape room. A full on escape room that needs to be done physically. Maybe it was opened on the 20th and maybe no one found it, so they had to make a quick video for the 1st to make people realize that something wasn’t right. Maybe he was waiting for someone alone to go through it, fast enough that people wouldn’t really believe them and their jumbled memories. I tried to start recording in the polaroid room before I went to the sink, but after Dark said to follow him, I saw my phone was on a completely different app.

At the door to the mystery room, Dark turned around and took my hand that wasn’t holding the two-headed crow. I woke up before he could take me inside.

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[weaselandfriends]

hi, i had a casual question if you don't mind answering it. would you say that NGE has had any influence on your work? some examples of your writing that made me think this were primarily Terminatrix 405 from Chicago and chapter 12 "I need you." from CxC. of course, the latter is identical to the EoE title card, so the homage seems direct enough. the conclusion of kyosuke and yuria in the airlock, alone and surrounded by space, is aesthetically similar enough to the "hellbeach" (your words not mine, hah) of EoE's last scene. but a lot of that chapter seemed reminiscent of instrumentality, just with the psychosexual aspect being turned into actual text with the explicit rp. and 405's "senseless coagulation of souls" piqued my interest during a reread due to the way sage asserts her selfhood by using her memories of aurora. kinda reminded me of asuka clinging to the presence of her mother during her final battle.

of course, i'm really not trying to imply your work is derivative! it's just that you've spoken about liking EoE and it was sorta fun trying to find any similarities while reading.

PS. sorry about not having any art this time. was trying to decide between drawing murrie and hemet hanging out, or a few outfits for sister in the style of a dress-up doll game. any preference?

Eva had an influence on my work in an unusual way. I first learned of the existence of Eva in college when a group of people in my dorm were watching the climax of the second Rebuild film in the common area. Knowing nothing else about the series, what really stood out to me was how the story would keep cutting from the kids piloting the mechs to the control room where three generic-looking characters in beige uniforms would spout technobabble and give reactions to the mech fight. For some reason I really liked the vibe of the control room and wanted to write a story where the most important characters were people observing the action from afar and trying to influence it by relaying instructions over radio. This idea eventually crystallized into a novel I wrote in 2012 about Luxembourg.

I didn't actually watch Eva until after I wrote Fargo about 4 years later. While I do like it in general and think EoE is excellent, I don't think it's had as much of a conscious influence on my later works compared to what the half-glimpsed back half of Rebuild 2 had to my Luxembourg novel. The Kyosuke and Yuria scene is actually influenced by another thing I only kinda saw once in college when someone else played it in the common area, that thing being Xenosaga. All I know about Xenosaga is that there's a female android named KOS-MOS and that there are enemies that turn people into pillars of salt in reference to Lot's wife, and that was the technological-religious blend that I was specifically thinking of when I wrote that scene. Eva also blends sci-fi with religious iconography, so it's easy to see connections there as well, but Eva's bent is more cabbalistic in nature. Royce does explicitly name drop Eva in one of his spiels, though.

For me, it's a lot easier to be consciously influenced by things that I have barely heard of than things that I have seen a lot or care deeply about. You never want to feel derivative and by pulling ideas I like out of stuff I only have a basic conceptual understanding of, it feels less like I'm ripping something off, because I'm being influenced by general broad strokes rather than specific character and plot beats. Ironically, this can sometimes lead to my references being accidentally more overt than intended; multiple people have pinpointed that the x.Nihilo scene is modeled on Xenosaga, for instance.

As for art, you don't need to apologize for not having drawn something! I always appreciate your art and love to see it, but I'm also glad just to get some nice asks to answer. I'm interested in your "dress-up doll game" idea, mostly because I'm not sure what that would look like exactly. Although I also enjoy your interest in Murrie, because I think she's an interesting character herself despite her being a bit less prominent than the other two main characters of Chicago.

[jisungyah]

Dream State - 22 : HoOoNG~

“That was unessarily loud” Hyunjin stated, hands clasped to his ears looking up at Wooyoung from his seat on the floor. 

Wooyoung saw San gulp, eyes still staring back at him. He didn't look back to Yeosang who he heard taking a sip of his drink a little too loudly.

Hyunjin's hands left his ears, now supporting him up instead as he stared at Wooyoung, his mouth agape waiting for some explanation.

Stupid, Wooyoung was stupid, he was embarrassed and felt guilty because he got caught. A palm raises to cover his face he couldn't believe he thought he could get away with some stupid plan.. it wasn't even a thought out one, he just wanted to avoid San.. he didn't even know why? only the reasons he made up for Hongjoong and Yeosang.

"I'm Wooyoung.." he let out a sigh before continuing "..the same Wooyoung from the Haechan Neck account, I didn't want to tell you at first cause it's embarrassing honestly.. being known as ‘the flirt’ online would ruin our first impressions..but lying about it is probably worse but, I just panicked.."

Wooyoung had been keeping eye contact with San through the whole confession, practically pleading San to forgive him with his glassy eyes.

"it's okay I get it.. to be honest, I kinda knew you were Wooyoung um.. I was just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to say it I guess..", the eye contact was broken for a few seconds as San tried to consider his next words, once connected again Wooyoung's eyes were starting to fill with more tears, "Really it's fine! we all have an online facade.. right?" San nods to himself and turns to the two others for a little help.

Yeosang was kinda thrown off by this reaction from San so he kept quiet while Hyunjin reassured "RIGHT! if you're hyuck's neck maybe we could be moots! you wouldn't happen to know King Xiaojun... "

Wooyoung was not expecting the conversation to turn to Hyunjin admitting he was an 18+ RP account. As Hyunjin rambled about his account being worse in ways they couldn't imagine, far worse than just flirting as a parody account, Yeosang nudged Woo as to say 'I told you so'.  

"you know since we're all friends and this has kinda cleared things up.." Yeosang started.

"Okay but I'm seriously really sorry, that was stupid and I don't wanna blame alcohol but I get more obnoxious when I'm tipsy.. and I was even panicking before so-"

Yeosang rested his hand on Woo's shoulder to calm him from babbling further.

"tsk Wooyoung obnoxious?" Hyunjin let out, laughing to himself while taking a sip of beer, when he finished he realised the others hadn't reacted. Maybe the alcohol was getting to him already. "woah. Wait ! that sounded offensive.. I meant like you're really not obnoxious if we're talking 'obnoxious'? we're talking Minho"

"So we're all good? Wooyoung you don't have to keep apologising, stop worrying about it" Yeosang reassured, hand now wrapped around Wooyoung's shoulders. San giggled at Woo's little pout and if Wooyoung's heart wasn't fluttering already it was racing now. "May I ask ..? did you do the same to Yeosang?"

"Well.. no Hongjoong got to him first"

"SO YOU WERE GONNA..?"

"No !Yeosang !"    "Bitch I know what you look like!"    "BITCH?! I didn't even know you could use that word!"

"Oh.." San seemed to be a little disappointed but no one seemed to notice, Woosang busy teasing each other while Hyunjin laughed at their banter.

"But wait, how'd you know I was Wooyoung? I mean like Haechan's Neck.." Wooyoung inquired turning back to San, sitting up fixing himself after sending Yeosang into a laughing fit with tickles.

"I recognised you from a photo you sent in the group chat"

"w-what?! which pic?"

"When you announced that you went back to your natural hair..? It was only half your face but.."

"I-"

"Idiot, you sent it to both group chats" Yeosang finished Wooyoung's sentence beginning another set of laughter for himself. Wooyoung gave a glare as a first warning, then raised his hands to his friend's waist threatening Yeosang with more tickles which got him to shut up immediately.

"But I was really doubting myself.. added up though. You and Yeosang, Seoul Uni.. but.. didn't you say to Min you weren't coming to the party?"

"We forgot about Min!" Yeosang exclaimed.

Thanks to San's question Wooyoung was reminded to check his phone, silently asking the group with his pointer finger up to excuse him for a moment as he scrolled through the 'PARTY' group chat’s messages. The others quietly waiting for some update on their mutual friend.

"He seems pretty content with Taeil"

Yeosang gave him a stern almost threatening look, "Twice, you said you'd be there for Min"

"Fine.. what do you want me to say?"

Woosang seemed to have a private conversation to themselves before Wooyoung was focused on his phone and Yeosang turned to question San, "Wait, Min said you weren't replying to him? and you haven't been active on the group chat"

Wooyoung whispered something being Yeosang's pick-up line, Yeosang ignoring him keeping his eyes on San like he was in trouble.

"I was busy being lost.. and classes and when I wasn't in class Seonghwa kept me busy" a gulp preceding San's answer.

San seemed to retreat a little to himself, head down unable to make eye contact with Yeosang which caused the latter to feel guilty.

"Sorry, of course you were.."

"To be fair we both were busy with each other too" Wooyoung said to ease the atmosphere, finally putting his phone back in his jacket's pocket.

"Well that's cause you wer-" Wooyoung knew Yeosang was going to make fun of his panic about San and the party, swiftly interrupting with another apology.

"Sorry I- .. We-we're all over the place but I just didn't want Mingi to feel alone or left out, so I um pretended I was busy with an assignment than coming to the party so he could text if he felt lonely.." Wooyoung explained.

"Oh .. that's actually really nice of you..."

Wooyoung didn't mean for anyone to feel guilty but that's how San felt now, knowing he was doing what he didn't want anyone to do to him to one of his best friends.

"I mean Wooyoung doesn't seem like the one.." "Wooyoung is just that nice" "-the kind to lie out of malice! he even taught me that phrase"

Hyunjin and Yeosang accidentally talked over each other but Hyunjin continued anyway, starting to become less aware of his surroundings. He was swaying side to side to the faint music, eyes closed barely open when he responded to the others.

They kept the conversation going, allowing some time for Woo to reply to Mingi and trying to distract Hyunjin from drinking any more. Soon their hyungs gathered with them, Hongjoong tried to slip away for Wooyoung's sake but Woo caught him, it wouldn't hurt they'd be leaving soon anyway.

Although Hongjoong couldn't even introduce himself before San announced that they should get going, saying it was getting late for a school night and Seonghwa wasn't in the best state either. Hongjoong seemed to match Hwa, their few more drinks than what they planned beginning to show some effect on them.

They exchanged goodbyes before introductions could take place, San and Minho helping Seonghwa stand straight, his arms around their shoulders, getting hold of him before he could flop down on top of the boys on the couch.

"Hhhow much longer you guys stayed? we-we we can have fun by ourselves"

Minho noticed Hyunjin's state which was.. pretty drunk for Hyunjin, he left San with Seonghwa while he tried to pull Hyunjin away to leave with them. Wooyoung didn't notice San already leaving with Seonghwa, preoccupied with a whining Hyunjin trying to get away from Minho's arms.

"I'll help you out with Hyunjin if Yeosang is alright enough to get Hongjoong" Wooyoung offered.

"awwhhhh Wooyoung-ah don'tlet-let- don't be such a killjoy cause of Minho!" Hyunjin grumbled escaping from Minho, only to stumble into Wooyoung's arms, face pressed to his classmate's chest causing him to giggle.

"Seriously Hyunjin, how's Kami gonna react seeing you like this?" Minho sighed finally trapping him.

"Ff*ck.. I forgot"

"You're not sleeping over, I'm surprised you didn't get a curfew"

Hyunjin stopped squirming, trying to get himself together when he remembered he'd be returning to his parents in his drunk state.

With the help of Minho and Wooyoung, he made his way down the stairs safely with Yeosang and Hongjoong following behind them, conversing about nonsense until they reached the bottom.

By the time they got down, Seonghwa was free from San's grip trying to make himself comfortable on the side of Minho's car, even after San offered his shoulder as they waited for their driver.

Minho took care of Hyunjin the rest of the way to his car, a few more waves goodbye before the 'Just gotta TOUCH' boys were all seated in the car.

San now in the passenger seat, Minho still the driver ready to take the boys home safely. The other two boys sharing the back seats, leaning on each other still somewhat awake but on the verge of sleep. Hyunjin trying to sober up before being dropped home to his parents but the alcohol in his system tempting him to a short nap. Seonghwa was out of it only half awake because he had some thoughts to discuss with the boys.

The trio left behind began their walk together after seeing Minho drive off. Wooyoung taking over Hongjoong duty knowing Yeosang's stop was only a five-minute walk away, although with their current pace the time could be doubled.

Wooyoung didn't know whether it was Yeosang slowing down in consideration for Hongjoongs drunken state or because he also wanted to enjoy more time together, even if they technically weren't alone. He appreciated it though, the dark night allowing stars to glow through even when the city lights fought against their shine. Setting the mood..

The odd car passing by allowing a flash of light to hit Yeosang, who was shielding the light from the slowpokes. 

The short distance they travelled so far was mostly filled with silence and a few grunts from Wooyoung struggling to keep Hongjoong up because he was distracted by Yeosang.

The few street lights they walked by flattered Yeosang's features with its warm rays, catching him in the process of thought.

Wooyoung was getting used to Joong's weight over his left shoulder. Yeosang suddenly turning back after taking in the stars, causing Wooyoung to trip on his step.

Yeosang meeting Wooyoung's admiring eyes as he looks back to check on the two. "You know you don't have to walk me back, maybe I should be helping you get Hongjoong back to yours"

"No we're getting-" "No no we'll get you back safe first!" Hongjoong speaks up, whispering a sorry for interrupting Wooyoung. "We're getting you safely back to your dorm, we can just take the bus from your place to ours. I can handle Joong"

Yeosang seemed to take their answer but then a smirk played on his lips before mentioning, mostly to Honjoong, that San was still looking for accommodation.

"Yeah I know Yeo.. I was in that conversation with you" Wooyoung tried to dismiss it.

"Yeo?" Both older males asked at the new nickname.

"What? you both call me Woo?? its just a nickname"

"huh, I like it.." Yeosang blushed on top of the residual tint of the alcohol in his system. He never really had nicknames from friends mostly just family but he was called "sangie" or "sang" and although Wooyoung had texted him the nickname before, it felt different hearing it out loud.

"Does that make me Hong?"

Wooyoung giggles at his Hyung still under the haze of alcohol, eyelids half open and sporting a small pout.

"hehe yeah, that makes you Hoooonnngg~" Messing with the pronunciation of the new nickname earning a disgusted judgemental look from the now called Hong. [like how he said in the one ep of ateez salary lupin]

"Soooo San..??" Yeosang starts up again after a few giggles from the '99 liners at Hongjoong's reaction. The trio now continuing their journey after their short pause.

"We said we'd do interviews sooo.." Wooyoung hoped his mention of their plan would prevent Hongjoong from thinking about just giving San the spare room.

"San..? but Seonghwa said-oh wait yeah we can get San an interview! he seems nice I mean we just goddamake sure he leaves the nsfw stuff on Twitter"

"pffft-" "JOONG!"

"I thought it was Hong!?" Yeosang blurts while laughing

-

San content staring out the window watching the street lights go by but he notices Seonghwa from the rearview mirror pouting. A small smile on his lips with his tongue peeking out trying to take a quick picture while the older had his eyes closed from drink and tiredness.

"Y'all didn't get to meet Hongjoong" he whined a little like a disappointed child when he saw San facing him. San is quick to take the picture and drop his phone but not quick enough to turn around before Seonghwa's eyes are fully open.

"Sorry Hwa-hyung, but I'm tired and you didn't seem to be handling the alcohol well" San spoke with a faint but reassuring smile before turning back to sit in his seat properly.

"San was the only one to not meet Hongjoong, and me and Hyunjin were literally right there" Minho added, trying to make Hwa less frowny-faced.

"Correction, Hyujin and I."

"Oh just shut it Jin and focus on sobering up before we get to your place, your lucky enough I'm giving you extra time heading to Seonghwa's first"

Hyujin is now sat straight, rolling his eyes at the driver sat in front of him. "Oh San! did you know Joong and Woo have space? maybe they can take you in" Hyunjin suggested while brushing his hand through his hair gathering himself together, it would only last a bit longer before he’s feeling woozy again.

"They do? but .. I don't know I-I don't wanna be taken in like a-a a stray cat.."

"I mean you're not far from one" Minho commented flashing San a smile before quickly turning attention back to the road. San was always compared to a cat sometimes even to his own cat by Mingi and his parents. He didn't know whether it was because of his physical features or personality, maybe even both? But he was surprised and flattered that Minho noticed since he had three cats of his own.

"I-I didn't mean for it to sound like that! what is wrong with me today ahhhggghh"

"you're literally always like this?" Minho replies when he spots Hyunjin throwing his head into his hands in an exasperated manner.

Seonghwa was mumbling something about Mingi and Yeosang in the last few minutes of their drive. He didn’t form enough coherent words for the others to make sense of it. 

They finally reached the house. San was glad that Seonghwa’s aunt was already asleep but kept the door open for them. Somehow San manages to help Seonghwa into bed and takes off his make up, not bothering to try changing him into PJs. He also ends up charging Hwa’s phone and setting an alarm for him before he takes care of himself. 

San plops himself on the bottom bunk of Seonghwa’s older cousin’s bunk bed staying in the room across from Seonghwa, for now at least. Bringing the nearest plushie to his chest to cuddle that night San also picks up his phone to check up on the others. 

-

Pan ic : 

Well the jig is up! don’t know how far pretending to be jongho wouldve gone anyway..

also didn’t Hong say something about not drinking too much earlier and he’s going home like that?? i think seongjoong bad influence on each other but wooo ooo WooSang going strong ... for now 

pt.21 < Masterlist > pt.22.5

[ Social Media Woosan AU:

Having finished his first year of college, Wooyoung spends his summer with friends.. online friends mostly., friends made through his Lee Donghyuck parody acc..

Will he be ready to spend his second year with these crackheads ? and what if his twt crush starts attending his university ? ]

A/N if the hyung isnt always accurate its because they are close friends and dont say it often.. also its been awhile .... college was hard second semester soo i didn’t get a chance until recently sooo sorry its very late 

[svperbats]

Soo I'm sending you a prompt back! SuperBat + Clumsy Barry interrupting a romantic moment

A/N: Okay so I’m gonna write this quickly and will also post it here first cause idk I want to.

For @light-miracles

Superbat + Clumsy Barry interrupting a romantic moment

When it comes to timing, Barry is, well, terrible at it. Everyone knows how clumsy Barry is and well it’s not like Kara isn’t the same, but Barry? Despite being the fastest man alive, he tends to ruin moments, especially between Kate and Kara, again bad timing.

To say it happened once would be a lie and to say Barry Allen can keep a secret (aside from his secret identity) would also be a lie, because he just can’t, he’s not very good at keeping secrets. And finding out secrets? Well, let’s just say he expected one of his best friends to tell him that she had something with a mutual friend, one that Barry also considered a close friend (he and Kate got closer since Crisis, probably because she reminded him so much of Oliver, though Kate hates that).

When it happened he just so happened to speed into Gotham, expecting to see Kate, he went to the tallest building he could (thank you speed) and went to see his friend. What he found was something entirely different. She was with Kara, yes, but they were very close, he could barely hear what they were saying, didn’t even understand what was going on. Why was Kara here? Was she helping Kate? He was confused. He was confused until Kate happened to wrap her waist around Kara and Kara squealed before her hands landed on Kate’s arms. He saw her lips move but couldn’t hear anything. He figured she said something only Kate could hear. He saw Kate smirk, which only caused his eyebrows to raise. They were dressed as Batwoman and Supergirl, anyone who didn’t know them, didn’t know much else, but Barry was oblivious and didn’t know what was going on until they kissed.

This was a shock to Barry, yes they acted like best friends during crisis, hell they acted more like that, Kara even told him — before the earths merged and she helped him when he and Barry swapped — that Kate Kane flirted with her. It didn’t surprise Barry but this? This was different. And Barry being Barry, spoke right at the wrong time. Neither of them noticed him until they heard his voice, not even Kara and her super hearing (she was probably too busy listening to Kate’s heart, something that always calmed her).

“Are you guys together?!” Barry asked, his movements of jumping up and down, reminded Kara of how she reacted when she realised Kate was on the same earth. Kara squeezed his eyes shut, muttered something in Kryptonian to which Kate only laughed.

“How the hell did you get here?” Kara asked crossing her arms over her chest, “actually how long have you been there, because somehow my senses didn’t detect you,” she admitted which caused Kate to snigger and leaned up into her ear and whisper,

“That’s because you were too damn busy admiring my muscles and everything else, babe.” That comment alone caused Kara to groan and not in the frustrated way, well at least not the normally frustrated way.

“Well if you weren’t so damn hot in that suit and we went away earlier like I suggested we wouldn’t be in this situation,” she said simply.

“K, do I have to remind you of what we did earlier?” She asked and Kara’s cheek went bright red. “Barry, just answer our question!” She exclaimed.

Barry blinked for a few moments before he came back to reality, “oh right, well basically I was chasing a guy and it led me to Gotham. I got him, but I figured I’d help Kate if she needs it taking down some bad guys and then I saw you two and I didn’t want to interrupt,” he explained.

“So you just stood there and watched? Bar, next time interrupt,” it was Kate who spoke this time, “to answer your question, yes we’re together as both versions, it’s the only way we can get away with doing anything kind of romantic or otherwise as not Kate and Kara, we just tell the press we’re together,” Kate explained, “and after Kara did the article explaining that I’m a lesbian it caused her to come out and tell the world that she is bi, dating me, she even interviewed Batwoman and Supergirl, since everyone expected we were dating before it happened.”

“That might have been because I was excited to see my best friend that I freaked out,” Kara admitted.

“Well that and I practically drool every time you’re in that suit,” Kate mumbled.

“Ditto,” Kara replied.

Barry chuckled and smiled at both of them. “I’m happy for you guys, seriously, I always figured you’d be a better match for Kara than Lena Luthor,” he explained.

“Don’t mention her name around Kate, she still hates her for tricking me and trapping me in kryptonite,” she explained.

“She did what?” Barry asked.

“That’s exactly what I said. Some best friend she was,” Kate muttered.

“I lied to her Katie,” Kara tried to explain but Kate just scoffed.

“K, that’s not how you treat your best friend, even if they lie to you,” she said. I didn’t tell Mary and she literally confronted me about it when her secret hospital was being blown up, it was why I chose to be batwoman again,” she explained.

“Ah yes when you slept with Pennyworth and then were in your bed for a week because well because you...” she trailed off.

“Killed the man who abused my twin sister and locked her and stole my mother’s head from the damn river, yeah I did that,” Kate sighed. “But K, now is not the time to be jealous of me being with Julia, I don’t like her anymore,” she explained. “I love you,” she said softly.

Kara looked at her, her eyes softening as she made an “aww” sound, “you’re so cute!” She squealed which caused Kate to groan (in frustration this time),

“I am not cute!” She muttered, “at least not around anyone but you; I can’t have my cover blown,” she admitted.

“Secrets safe with me!” Barry grinned to which the two women turned around and burst out laughing.

“Barry I love you, you’re my best frie—“ she cut herself off seeing Kate give her look, causing her to roll her eyes, “you’re my male best super friend,” she said, “but you’re literally like Snow white, you can’t keep a secret,” she admitted, “but seeing as it’s this and everyone knows, we trust you, I’m pretty sure Kate would hate you forever if you ever revealed how much of a softie she is— OW!” She explained only to get nudged in the ribs which didn’t hurt that much; it was more a shock than anything else. “In other words, we trust you, right Katie?” She asked.

“Right,” she agreed.

Barry smiled at the two of them, “I’ll leave you two to go back to whatever you were doing, I’ll see you later,” he said before he sped off.

“Bye,” they said before Kate turned around and said,

“So where were we?” But Kara shook her head,

“Home now, I’m not letting us be interrupted again,” she said, picking her up and flying to Kate’s apartment, only for Kara to quite literally pin Kate to the bed. Kate only laughed as they kissed softly before it got heated.

Despite being interrupted by Barry Allen, neither of them regretted being so public, not when what it led to afterwards was even better...

A/N: this was quickly written, on my phone, on tumblr, I apologise for any mistakes. Don’t hate me cause I wrote about Lena, Kate wouldn’t like Lena, imo, she’d probably be jealous of her and tbh she’d never forgive her for what she did to Kara. I don’t like supercorp so that’s one of the reasons I mentioned that and I know @light-miracles doesn’t either. But anyways I hope you enjoyed, yes it has hints of rated M themes but it’s subtle. Another thing the Katie and K thing is something that I always put in my AUs and also something that I got from Instagram where I rp as Kara there and the person I rp with always uses K in our rps and I always use Katie, because nicknames are great.

[fanfalc-616]

The Rights Of A Nindroid

Chapter Thirteen- Variation Two

(Prevoius variation here)

(Discord Here)

This chapter was originally an RP with @ablackswansweet, and there are two versions- one from both character’s POV. I have Swan’s permission to post this.

The young man can feel the android's gaze on him. It's wary of Martha and him, although he can hardly blame it. But he can't help but find the idea of a machine being "scared" kind of funny.

"What do you want?" It asks, most likely knowing something is coming, judging from the resignation in its voice. Kyle smiles internally.

You can almost see the cracks.

The blond is practically buzzing with excitement. A real android! And he gets to study it up close!

Getting closer, he inspects its face. The eerie look almost makes him shudder.

"I want to learn how you work." He takes Original's chin in his hand, moving it's head left and right to get a better look at it. The winces of "pain" from the android are uncanny.

He writes down some notes and takes his place next to the official again. Next part should be fun.

The android seems less than pleased with him playing with its uncovered face. Still, it bites its tongue instead of Kyle's hand (despite its very obvious desire to do so) until the blond is done, and lets out what sounds like a breath of relief.

How can you replicate relief in coding ? It's AI is fascinating.

"Haven't you done that enough?" It whines, trying to shake off its bonds. "With everything you've done to me, I doubt that any competent mechanic would need any more research."

It tries to shoot him a displeased glare, but without its faceplate it just looks unsettling and pathetic.

Kyle chuckles to himself. For a machine, it's talking a lot. Fascinating.

"Thing is, Original, I'm not exactly a mechanic. I'm just really, really interested by your wires and gears. And how well they respond to… Certains stimuli," he says.

A few more words in his notes and he looks at Martha, asking if it's time. She nods. Awesome.

As fast as he can, the blond connects wires to the android, barely able to contain his joy. It's not everyday you get to experiment on a non-human sentient being.

Stepping in front of the control panel, he waits for the official's instructions, almost shaking from anticipation.

Original isn't looking so good. It seems worried. Well, it's right. It should be. The distress emanating from it is very interesting, too. Can it sense the danger looming over it?

“To begin with, my name is Zane, not Original. Second, if you are so interested in ‘wires and gears’ perhaps a robotics course would be a more healthy outlet for you," it tries to reason with him. Too bad that it's way more interesting than a simple robotics course.

After a pause, it adds, "Why are you doing this? I can assure you that I have never meant to cause harm on any innocents.”

Kyle's hand twitches. He looks over at Martha. She's wearing a displeased expression. He didn't expect anything else, and he's probably making the same face as well.

“You can begin whenever you like.” The official tone sounds slightly interested, now.

He hums in response.

"Hey, Original?" He calls out to the robot. "You talk a lot."

He pushes a button and a small jolt of electricity was released. This fairly small amount of energy is only meant to cause discomfort. Wouldn't want to burn it out too fast.

The android squirms and still attempts to free itself, but no real pain response occurs. Interesting. A new paragraph written.

It still tries to reason with him, going on and on about how it wants it to stop, please. Kyle drowns the sound out with his thoughts. That wasn't very exciting.

Maybe with a stronger charge, something interesting will happen? That's what Martha seems to think too.

The android finally looks like it understands it's not talking him out of it.

How advanced is its code supposed to be, again? That took a while.

“I suppose I am talking a lot,” It concedes, “but not nearly as much as an old friend of mine. Jay couldn’t stay quiet if his life depended on it.”

Is it trying to have a conversation with him? Now? In its situation?

It must have thought of something. Let's humor it.

"Heh, yeah. I had a guy like that in one of my foster homes." A smirk grows on the blond’s face as the robot seems startled. "Didn't end well for him either. No one like a constant source of useless noise, don't you agree?"

Even without a faceplate, its expressions are pretty easy to guess. It's almost laughable how a few words shakes it up.

Making small talk is is a smart plan, he'll give it that. It's probably hoping that it'll make him like it enough to not hurt it. Let's see how long this game can last.

"How is your old friend doing now?" He asks, slowly turning up the voltage. The other engineers told him this should be as painful as period cramps, so that's fun.

The android struggles under the amount of electricity building up. But still, it continues to talk. Kyle's impressed.

“I haven’t seen him in a while- I’ve been a little…” It looks at its restrains and winces, probably reminded of its situation.. “... tied up.”

At big crooked smile appears on the blond's face. It's even making jokes now! Powering through painful situations could be a valuable asset if they were to make something like supersoldiers. Looking good so far.

“I don’t think I caught your name, either. What do you go by?” It asks, most likely trying to get information on him. That's not very important data, though. It can have it.

The blond lets his face turn into a surprised expression for a second. "My name's Kyle. He/him, I guess. But I don't think you're going to need to know that."

He turns the charge a little higher again, hoping to see some more interesting pain responses as they continue to talk. This is getting boring. Martha seems to approve of his method, however. Thanks, mom.

"Tell me about your other old friends. You said you were dating, right? How's it like ?" He asks again, a sinister smile on his face. How about a good old Pavlovian shock therapy?

Original fights any sign of discomfort or pain, and its calm expression is almost unsettling when you know what its sensors are going through right now.

“It’s nice to meet you, Kyle," It tells him, the lie barely noticeable. But Kyle has worked with hypocrites before. Original is talented. “I don’t recall mentioning that I was in an active relationship, but I suppose that the background research you must’ve done would cover that.”

Kyle smiles and says nothing. He increases the tension steadily, appreciating the sight of the android losing its peaceful facade, with flashes of pain occasionally visible on its face.

Impressive. The robot is still fighting. Maybe leaving the sensors at their normal settings was too nice, but oh well. Things are just now getting better.

"Yeah, I read your file before coming here. Big fan, by the way." He smiles, but the hostility starts to seep in his voice. "Wonder how they feel about your self-sacrificing nature," he almost spit out.

No. Breathe. Calm down.

Some composure regained, he suddenly sends it a jolt of electricity. Seeing it almost bite its tongue in pain is pretty therapeutic, actually.

Kyle lowers the voltage to let the robot catch his artificial breath. It's going to give up completely pretty soon. He'll have some fun with it first.

"So, your old friends ?"

Its pathetic sigh of relief is still very satisfying. It looks desperate, and tries to explain its past actions. It really doesn't need to. Kyle already knows they're unforgivable.

“When I was fighting the Golden Master, I meant no harm to any innocent people. I was built to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I… I understand that in some ways, I have failed this function, but I do my best to help those in need.”

The android attempts to steady its breathing. Trying to keep keep a sliver of dignity in front of the enemy, maybe ?

Anyways, it stopped talking. Finally.

Kyle sighs and does his best not to give a snarky reply. It seems to believe in what it's saying, anyways. Further proof of how out of touch with reality its AI is.

Another spike of tension, and Kyle is smiling again.

"You didn't answer my question, Original. How was life with your… Boyfriends ? Kai Smith, Jay Walker and Cole Brookstone, yeah ?" He says, insisting on their last names. They know who they are. Perhaps that'll make it talk.

His excitement level goes through the roof at Original's reaction. It goes stiff, most likely from anger. He found the weak spot.

A whimper escapes it, but it doesn't adress it. It's really mad.

“You do not touch them," it snarls at him. If Kyle's hand had been close to its face, there was no doubt it would've bitten him. “If you hurt them, I swear on the First Spinjitzu Master that I will hunt you down to the ends of the-“ Kyle cuts him off by sending it a strong shock. It cries in pain. The blond doesn't feel bad.

"Calm down. I didn't even actually threaten them yet," The boy mutters, leaving the tension run high a few more seconds before leaving it room to breathe again. The pathetic sounds of relief it does each time makes him want to laugh.

"If I wanted to truly use them as hostages, I'd tell you I know which shop they go to every two weeks to buy supplies and food, which is the one at the end of the main avenue."

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the voltage starts going up again.

"I'd tell you we have live feed of them almost every day and everywhere they go."

The pain must be becoming close to absolutely unbearable, seeing how the android trashes around. Fun.

"Or… I'd tell you how one of them already got arrested once, and how easy it is to transfer prisoners or fake an accident."

The power is now all the way up. It's almost scary how much this artificial body can handle.

Before it actually physically breaks, though, Kyle shuts off the power. The android's breath of relief is broken up by what sounds like sobs.

The blond comes closer, chuckling as the machine flinches near him. He takes off the wires plugged into it.

"Don't you dare threaten me or her ever again. Remember who holds the power here," he mutters in its ear before joining Martha with a smile, his notepad black with scribbles. She looks satisfied.

The android looks like it wants to say something, but doesn't have the strength to do so anymore. That's a satisfying sight.

He leaves the room with Martha, closing the door after her.

She smiles at him.

"It's close. You were right, you can almost see it cracking by the minute."

She fondly ruffles his hair and he chuckles, his nose tickled.

"Good job, sweetie."

[colorsicantsee]

Seblaine- Present Day (June/Year1)

Para: All's Well That Ends Well To End Up With You

Rating: PG-13..

Pairing: Seblaine.

Sebastian: @colorsicantsee

Blaine: @twoblueheartslocked

Time: Year One: Present Day- June. About a month after- I Don’t Wanna End It When We’re Only Just Beginning; Part ONE and Part TWO.

Location: Brooklyn, New York

Info:  Sebastian knows how lonely Blaine can get when he’s gone so he surprises him with a trip to the Animal Shelter. Blaine makes a new friend and starts to think he might not be giving enough of himself to his wonderful person.

Warnings: This particular para includes- Brief mentions of sexual situations and mentions of past abuse. This rp as a whole mentions past abuse(Physical, mental and sexual), possible unwanted sexual situations, anxiety, depression, negative body image, drug use, alcohol use, cussing, death(parents).

Extra Warnings: (This RP is not Kurt Hummel friendly. You’ve all been warned.)

Title taken from-Taylor Swift- Lover

NOTES: Some canon events remain in place while others have been changed. Some things may even be out of order. You can consider this sort of canon divergent AU. A few changes are that Blaine’s parents are different from the show (His mother is Filipina), he didn’t cheat on Kurt or date Dave and Sebastian is younger than Blaine. Feel free to send a message if you have any questions!

Under Cut for length.  As usual the para’s are mostly unedited.

 Sebastian’s POV:

Things had been okay. Sebastian was getting his school work done and hadn’t touched alcohol in months. Blaine was going to work and therapy sessions regularly. The two of them had been comfortable and open with each other and things were just...calm. Calm was a feeling that Seb hadn’t known for a long time. Even when he was a teenager and spent his days hanging off of Blaine’s words and soft touches, his emotions  felt so dizzy and intense. Calm was nice, it was welcome and not something he had known he craved for years. 

Though Seb felt some sort of small slice of peace, he wondered if B felt the same way. Of course he knew that his boyfriend was happy and satisfied with their relationship and the way things were going. He knew that Blaine was, to be cliché, fighting an uphill battle mentally. The other man had been through a lot in his young life and Sebastian accepted that. He understood that some things took time to fix and it wasn’t his sole responsibility to stitch up B’s sadness. That didn’t mean he couldn’t help, couldn’t hand the other man the tools. 

Sebastian wasn’t sure where the idea had come from. Maybe he had heard Sarah McLachlan croon from an elevator speaker, maybe it was the grey, grumpy cat that hung around the chip aisle at his local bodega. But, it had popped in Seb’s head that maybe Blaine might benefit from a pet. He had personally never had one, but he had always wanted a dog. He didn’t think he could ever take care of anything but he knew that B would be a natural. 

Seb picked up the phone and shot the other man a quick text. He had made an appointment at the animal shelter nearest Blaine’s place; This Saturday I have a surprise for you. 

The day arrived and Sebastian wouldn’t give in to any of Blaine’s questions or distracting bribery techniques. 

“You’ll see when we get there.” 

They had arrived at the large brick building and he watched his boyfriend’s face as he figured out where they were. 

“Before you say anything, I’m paying all of the fees. I’ll take care of the pet rent, too. I also wanna get everything else you need for you new pet”

 Blaine’s POV:

Blaine felt good. If someone had told him a month ago that he’d feel this good after having one of his worst, irrational panic attacks he’d have mirthlessly laughed in their face. Yet here he was, feeling the best he’d felt in a long time. It was almost alarming. A big part of him was so scared that it was all going to go to shit at any second now, that he’d fall apart and panic over nothing once more and he’d have to beg Seb to help him calm down with reassurances that he already had to begin with. He hated those thoughts, hated that a big part of him still couldn't grasp that he deserved this happiness and that nothing was going to take it away. 

On the other hand there was another part of him that knew he deserved it, knew that things were finally falling into place for him and that he was finally living the kind of life he thought he’d be living when he was a teen. Sure, he still hadn’t ventured out to Sebastian’s apartment in Manhattan yet and a few of his classes were still online, and he was still overworking himself to make up for his guilt over taking Cooper’s money afraid that his big brother might think he was slacking off or didn’t appreciate the loan- even though once he turned twenty-five his parents trust would come through and he’d be okay. Still, he was happy and he wanted to cling to the good feelings and hold them close to his chest in case he ever forgot or to remind him when he had bad days.

He’d been taking his medicine as he should. And even though there was nothing wrong with it he had stopped drinking wine with his meals. He wanted to encourage Sebastian and he’d noticed a difference in how he felt when he woke up in the morning. No more dull headaches or shame over what he might have said while tipsy. He’d been meeting up with his friends more- Sam and David were both surprised when he’d reach out to them to invite them to lunch or even just video games in his apartment. He hadn’t realized how much he was actually neglecting them and it took feeling better to see his errors.

He’d even been trying to call Cooper regularly though his brother was always suspicious when he did so. And of course he’d been spending time with Sebastian. It was like the two of them had just fallen into place with each other, like they just fit and should have always been this way. And as cheesy as it sounded, Blaine was no stranger to cheesy, they just felt meant to be. And that made Blaine feel all the more happy. 

His happiness was edged with nerves and excitement as he sat in Sebastian’s passenger seat and his boyfriend drove them to his surprise. Seb rarely drove, but he had picked him up and had been mum about what they might be doing. Blaine had even pressed a playful kiss to Seb’s favorite spot in his neck to try and get an answer, but all that did was get a wicked grin and a promise for maybe later.  Blaine settled for holding Seb’s hand and trying not to let his brain overwork itself with what it might be. As they pulled up to a big red bricked building with the worlds Animal Rescue in big white letters across the side, Blaine’s heart did a flip as well as his stomach. He turned to look at Seb who had prepared an argument.

“Seb, that’s too much money! I can’t take that!” But once Seb had his mind made up there really was no changing it. He took a deep breath and let his boyfriend lead him into the building, the sounds of dogs barking echoing off the walls and into his ears. Blaine had always wanted a pet growing up, he’d had a puppy when he was very young, but his father proved to be allergic and he was such a busy kid he found it hard to be there for his canine friend. He still remembered his sniffles as his mom and him dove away after dropping him off at his new home. Sure, Blaine was still just as busy, but he had his own space now, and the thought of having something to come home to instead of an empty, lonely apartment sounded wonderful. Sebastian couldn’t just live there.

He was nervous as the person whose name tag read Matthew showed them around and explained how adoption worked. And when they asked Blaine if he’d like to see the dogs or cats first Blaine surprised himself by asking for the cats.

“I’d like to see the cats, if that’s alright?” Matthew smiled and led the two of them into a room where about a dozen cats were free to roam. It was a playroom of sorts, set up to look like trees and leaves. He’d never really seen a place like this before, most of the cats were sad looking and locked up in cages. He found out soon enough that all of the cats in here were kittens and it was better to let them roam and play together. Blaine sat down in one of the chairs so as not to scare them away but  was a little overwhelmed by all the darting fluff and every time he’d settle on one, they’d run away in a blur of white or grey or orange and flip themselves onto one of their playmates. He was just about to ask to see the adult cats when he felt tiny paws on cheek. He looked up and was met with a pair of too large orange eyes in the tiniest black furred body. The little thing was batting at his cheek as if saying- hey, hey I’m here, look at me! It was so small and tucked into one of the little fake leaves that stuck out from the wall, that Blaine had completely missed it at first glance.

“Hey there little one.” Blaine said softly, and reached out to gently pull it into his arms. The kitten instantly stuck his face into Blaine’s and nuzzled against him before batting at one of his curls. Matthew spoke up- “That’s Soot, she’s about six months old, yes, I know she looks so much younger. But, she was born here.  She’s been adopted twice and both times she was brought back. It’s a shame. The first person said it was because her child had accidentally stepped on her because she was too small, and the second one said that his girlfriend didn’t want a black cat because they were “bad luck” and feared if she got out she’d be sacrificed or something. She’s naturally tiny and no one seems to want her. If you ask me they just weren't the right fit for her, and their loss because Soot is the sweetest kitten here. And I think she likes you.”

No one wants her? Blaine’s heart squeezed at the thought of someone hurting this sweet little thing and he had to blink back a swell of emotion as she lifted her head and stuck her nose against his lips as if to kiss him! Her head bobbing like she was drunk. She was probably just smelling him but it almost broke his heart in two and he knew that he wouldn't be leaving without her. She had already snuggled into the crook of his arm and was purring so softly, the vibrations tickling Blaine’s arm. The sensation instantly calmed him. He was half in love already. And even though he was worried about taking Seb’s money he looked up at his boyfriend pleadingly, the words getting stuck in his throat, his eyes bright. His voice was shaky and his emotional display would have embarrassed him  if he were really thinking about it, but all he could think about was her cold little paws pressed against his arm, her tiny claws kneading him slightly.

“I-I do. I mean, I want her. Please, Seb?”

Sebastian’s POV:

Seb had had a feeling that Blaine was going to visit the room where the cats and kittens were kept. From what he understood, cats were pretty low maintenance and despite what people might say, could form loyal bonds with their owners. Plus, B wouldn’t have to take a cat down the many flights of stairs to go outside at random hours of the day. A cat could watch itself while he worked and went to school and even if he ever spent the night at Sebastian’s. 

Blaine’s eyes lit up when they walked into the room covered in acrobatic leaves and man made branches for the cats to climb and lounge on. Sebastian crouched on the floor next to where his boyfriend sat and observed the tiny creatures wrestle and bathe themselves. The older cats that were awake in the cages meowed and pressed their wet noses against the bars trying to get Matthew’s attention. They were probably looking for some new food, he thought to himself.

He hadn’t even caught the moment that the little black ball of fur ended up in his boyfriend’s arms. It seemed as if the two of them had known each other for years, the little thing was emitting little trills of pleasure as it worked its claws into his sleeve. B’s eyes were glossy when the attendant mentioned that Soot had been returned a few times. Sebastian bit his lip and knew that this was the one. 

“Of course. This is the whole reason we came.” He smiled at his boyfriend and reached over so the kitten could sniff his fingers.  Sebastian looked up at Matthew, “Where do we fill out the papers and pay the fees? She’s ours.”

Soot was loaded into a cardboard box with little holes poked in the side. She didn’t like it and kept poking her black nose through and basically screaming at them to let her out. Blaine filled out all of the paper work with giddy energy and Sebastian handed over his card for them to swipe. He hadn’t been worried about how much it would be but she was surprisingly cheap since she had been brought back a couple times. 

Sebastian wrapped an arm around Blaine as he clutched the noisy box in his arms. He sat in the passenger seat smiling as he gently held onto his new pet’s carrier. They drove around for a few minutes before they found a pet store. 

“Don’t be shy in here. There’s no limit.” 

Blaine blushed and began to protest.

“You need litter, a cat box. Food, she obviously needs some toys, too. Don’t forget about a water dish.”

Blaine’s POV:

Blaine’s heart fluttered against his ribcage, a feeling he couldn’t quite place fell over him when he heard Sebastian say ‘She’s ours’. She was theirs now. They had done something big together. He let out a little laugh and fought the urge to pull Seb into a thank you kiss right in front of Matthew. He nodded, barely believing that he was actually going to get to take a living creature home with him and as he signed the paperwork and Sebastian paid he felt even happier than he had when the day started and that was saying something considering he didn’t think he could feel any happier. Instead of something terrible throwing a wrench into his joy he’d been gifted the most adorable thing. 

Blaine settled back against Sebastian’s comforting arm as his boyfriend drove away so they could shop for her. She sat on his lap in her little cardboard crate, screaming for attention and slipping her tiny little paw out through the holes before shoving her nose through it. She did this over and over again.  Blaine pet her nose and her paws to calm her, but didn’t let her out for fear that she’d get lost in the car. He was so excited, he couldn’t wait to share his apartment with her. Wondered if she’d like his music, or if she would sit in the window and stalk birds, wondered if she’d cuddle up on his pillow as he slept. He realized then that the thought of Sebastian having to go home and leave him alone for the night later on wasn’t as hard to stomach as it had been the day before. Of course he hated that part. When Seb couldn’t stay because of early classes or whatnot. He wanted his boyfriend there all the time, he felt safer and more whole, had gotten used to letting Seb’s arms be around him, letting his hands touch him without tensing up and he loved it, but maybe, just maybe, with Soot in the picture he wouldn’t stay up too late wishing he wasn’t alone. Maybe she’d help take the edge off his nighttime loneliness away.

The store welcomed animals so he was able to put her little crate into the cart Seb had gotten for him and he was thankful, couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her out in the car. He was still nervous about the cost, animals were not cheap and he was on his own now, Cooper’s year of “free” rent was pretty much up and almost all of his extra money went into his apartment and food. He knew he was lucky, most college kids had to stay in dorms or be extremely well off to make it like this. But when Cooper had helped get him out of his horrible situation with Kurt, a dorm wasn’t an option. They both knew Blaine couldn’t handle all of those people around him, couldn’t handle a stranger in his room. His severe anxiety wouldn’t let him. Maybe luck wasn’t the right word actually considering, but either way, Blaine got to live alone and that money added up. He hadn't gotten a pet in the first place despite desperately wanting company that couldn’t hurt him over the last year and a half because he couldn’t afford it. It was like Seb had read his mind, finding thoughts that Blaine himself didn’t really think of often. 

“Seb, this is all going to add up. Are you sure?” Seb was sure and Blaine had to really look at him before he let himself put anything in the cart. He meant what he said. He’d help. And Blaine would find a way to come up with vet money so he could get her fixed, he’d find a way. Even though he had a feeling Sebastian would try and help with that too. Over the next half hour he and Seb had managed to get her about twelve new toys ranging from mice to a wand with a fish on the end to a scratching post with a fuzzy heart hanging off of it. She had a giant bag of food meant for kittens under a year old, a food bowl, water dish, litter box,  and a little red collar with a bell so small Blaine was sure he’d never hear it.  The total was too much, and Blaine instantly felt like a bad cat dad because he wouldn’t have been able to afford that if he were doing this on his own. But when he voiced it Seb shook his head and reminded him that this was a present.

On the way back to his apartment Blaine made the appropriate call to inform his landlord that he’d gotten a cat and that he’d bring in the money first thing. He tried not to cringe when he was told the deposit price. It’s a gift, Blaine. Let him do this for you. He made it through the call without much resistance, the landlord seemed hesitant at first, but since they didn’t have a no pet policy she had no choice but to let him do it. The two of them set up the little apartment before letting the little lady out of her crate and Blaine made sure the bathroom door was shut so she couldn’t go hide there. He wished he had a door to his bedroom, but it was so small there weren’t many places she could go. She let him put her new collar on without struggle, pressed her forehead against his cheek and squirmed to be let down. She sniffed around the room, and made her way across the small apartment, poking her nose in everything before settling on her food, took a bite, then a drink and then promptly darted across the living room floor and dived right into the scratching post and busied herself playing with the fuzzy heart hanging off of it. He couldn’t help but laugh from his spot on the couch. They were quiet for a moment as they watched her play.

“I think I’ll keep the name. I mean look at her, she looks like a soot spot against the wood floor. It’s pretty perfect.” He paused, his eyes glued to her little body. She was playing so hard, it was like she hardly noticed she had been taken to a completely new place. She seemed at home, and when Blaine clicked his tongue against his teeth and said her name softly in a high voice, she actually came over to him and rubbed her scent all over his hand and leg, she went and did the same to Sebastian before once again darting and diving. This time at once of the little mice. She flipped onto her back and she rabbit kicked it before doing it all again, her micro bell tinkling as she moved. Guess he could hear it after all.

Blaine was fucking obsessed. 

“God, I can’t believe no one wanted her. “ He finally turned his gaze to Seb and reached out to take his hand, linking their fingers together. He scooted so he was close to him, his hand sliding up to his chin to bring his face down to his before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He did it again, his own lips slipping into a small, bright smile. 

“Thank you. You have no idea how happy this has made me. I-I didn’t think… well, I didn’t know I needed this. I still feel like it’s too much money… But, I’m gonna accept it, she’s perfect.”

 Sebastian’s POV:

Sebastian helped Blaine unpack all of Soot’s new toys. He helped set up the cat box and insisted on pouring the litter even though he had never done it before. I mean, how hard could it be? A  giant puff of grey dust surprised him and made him cough and flail a little bit. The scene had made Blaine laugh, though and that had made the mess worth it. 

Soot seemed to fall into an easy playful mode immediately. She looked like she had always belonged in the apartment. The two of them watched her, laughing at her ridiculous belly flops and wobbly jumps. 

“I think the name is perfect. She’s like a little smudge.” Sebastian pressed in closer to Blaine’s side. He could not only see his boyfriend’s happiness but he could feel it radiate off of him. Sebastian felt pleased. B now had a little companion to warm the lonely nights he had to be away, to hold on to when he felt upset. 

Blaine never had to come home to an empty apartment again. Seb thought that that sounded great, his own empty apartment felt cold and haunted at times. Not literally, of course (he’d fucking move.) but by the past. The stench of vodka would sweep by him when he felt bored. Sometimes his sheets didn’t feel clean enough, seemed matted with bad nights and past lovers. He was thankful that Blaine didn’t have to experience that, that he could walk into the tinkle of a little jingle bell and the flash of orange eyes looking for their food bowl to be filled. 

Sebastian shook his thoughts away and focused on the kitten again. “I’m glad. You guys are a perfect match.” He pressed into the kiss, he could feel Blaine’s smile against his lips. Sebastian loved that feeling. 

“You’re welcome.” He wanted to insist that the money didn’t matter but didn’t want to come across as braggy. Sebastian found that his careless feelings about spending offended some people. He used to not care, would swipe his card with a smirk and casually mention his big purchases. Seb had grown so fucking annoyed by himself after he started getting cleaned up. He had become better and knew that B spent a lot of time worrying about money. Sebastian found it better to just let that part of the conversation go. “Always glad to help. I wanted to do this.”

“Do you think she’ll tucker herself out soon?”

Blaine’s POV:

“You wanted to make me the happiest man ever? God, you’re so good to me, I really don’ t know that I deserve it.” He smiled up at Seb after their shared kisses, relishing in the simplicity of the moment. He wondered if Sebastian ever thought of getting a pet himself, he wondered how big his apartment was. Sure, it was New York, but as he knew, Seb had money and his parents never taught him to shy away from it. Did his home ever get lonely too? Blaine had never even been there before. Had a hard time imagining himself there, letting himself be touched or kissed there, or undressed and bare. Because it wasn’t a space of comfort that he’d built himself. And spending too much time in Manhattan was difficult for Blaine to think about, sure, he knew how to avoid Kurt, knew his spots, knew Rachel’s spots. He’d known how to avoid Seb for three years before this too. But there were so many memories attached to the place, bad ones. Spots where Kurt would drag him and then humiliate him. So many places to avoid.  It was also the place where you and Seb reconnected, he reminded himself. You managed to go to that Warbler party, you could totally go to his apartment. 

God, everything with them really had happened just so fast. Both times they’d been together and Blaine knew, without a shadow of doubt that Sebastian was the only person he’d ever want to touch him again.  He still tensed up sometimes, still loved that Seb showed his hands before reaching for him even though they’d done so much together, it helped him. He still got nervous before intimate moments. They’d had sex a couple more times since he’d panicked and he loved every minute together. He trusted Sebastian and only Sebastian with his body and even more, his mind. He knew that he always had trusted him and maybe that meant that he could trust himself to be intimate in a new place. Sebastian’s  space. The man had just given Blaine an incredible gift that he otherwise couldn’t afford and had uprooted himself to spend all of his free time over here, in a shitty small Brooklyn apartment in a shitty neighborhood. Blaine felt he needed to give him more. Why was the thought so hard?

He looked over at the kitten, Soot was still hopping around, her little paws making the daintiest sounds on his scuffed wood floors as she jumped and landed on her feet. Little Soot showed no sign of stopping, but then again, from what he knew about cats and the countless animal videos he’d watched over the years to cheer himself up the creatures seemed to play hard and then promptly pass out like a loaf of bread.

“I don’t know, she’s going pretty hard though.” He reached out and grabbed the stick with the fish on the end and she instantly started to chase it. She grew bored when Blaine wasn’t fast enough on wiggling the string and pounced over to a new mouse, and as the two of them laughed at her, she visibly started to slow and then she  sat down on her tummy, hiding the mouse under her little body and then she tucked her paws under her chest like they were cold, then her eyes started to close and she was purring loudly as she fell asleep, her head pressed into the scratching post mat.

“Well, I guess there’s your answer… I mean, could you imagine falling asleep that fast? And we’ll never be that fucking comfortable.” Blaine chuckled, looking back up at Seb in amazement, his smile so big his cheeks kind of hurt from the happiness.

And there it was- the tiniest bit of clean litter dust clinging to Sebastian’s cheek and it reminded Blaine of the snowflake that had clung to Seb’s cheek that nerve wracking, miserably bittersweet New Year’s Eve night on a Manhattan rooftop, six short months ago. The night that had set this whole relationship back into motion. The night that un-paused their story and dusted off their beautiful and imperfectly perfect  book cover and set them back on their path. He sometimes wondered what would have happened if he didn’t accept, how bad off would he be now? He took a deep breath and reached out to brush his thumb over the spot. His skin tingling as he brushed it away. It wasn’t as pretty as a snowflake, but the way it had gotten there had made him laugh and he wanted to hold onto this moment just as close as the snowflake moment. That night could have ended them in further disaster, but Blaine had taken a chance because Seb had done the same and had reached out. 

They had come so far since that night and yet it felt like they’d always been here. The four years they spent apart were the worst ones of Blaine’s life, and while it wasn’t just because they were apart, there were many factors, but not being together was a big one. A mistake that had cost them greatly. As he leaned against his boyfriend now, in this moment, he knew that he’d made the right choice in accepting Seb’s invitation after that night. He bit his bottom lip, his smile taking him out of his what- could- have- happened memories and putting him back in the now because Seb was here and there present day choice had gotten them this far. The ‘what ifs’ didn’t matter anymore.

“You had cat litter stuck to your cheek.” He tried to laugh but his voice came out a bit breathy. “I know you can’t stay tonight, and I’m okay with that, I’ll have great company and it’ll feel a little better here. But, you don’ t have to leave just yet do you?” He felt selfish even asking, he knew Seb had a lot of studying to do and that he studied better in his own place without distraction. “I mean, just for a few more hours? We don’t have to do anything big. We could just hang out? I can make us dinner and we could watch one of your trashy shows you love so much. Just for two hours even, maybe by then she’ll be awake and I'll have some entertainment.” He tried to keep his tone teasing, but Seb had done so much for him today and he didn’t want him to go yet. So he laughed and then swallowed, working himself up for his next question. 

“And maybe soon, um, like in the next month or so I could, well, maybe spend the weekend at your place? I could make you your first home cooked meal in your actual house. You could show me your favorite spots around your part of town, I mean, we’re always here. Your place is just as important as mine.” He gave a smile showing he meant it, his thumb tracing over Seb’s long fingers in a comforting rhythm to the sounds of his cat's sweet purrs. It may have seemed a simple request, but it was a big deal for him and Seb knew that because Blaine had never asked to go before, and Seb had never asked him there either. They both knew it would be a task creating a new comfort space for Blaine to be in and for Seb to share his life. But their relationship was more than this apartment and this part of New York, it was everywhere and Blaine wanted to show that. 

 It was out there now and he found he didn’t want to take it back.

 Sebastian’s POV:

“I wish I could just imagine what it felt like to fall asleep that fast.” Sebastian shrugged his shoulders and watched the peaceful scene. “Your floor is a mess. I guess you better get used to it. There’s probably no need in picking it up, right? It’s really taking a lot for me to just...not start picking all of those mice up.”  He laughed, “maybe we should get a tote or something for all of this crap.” 

Sebastian could sense the change in Blaine’s honied eyes. He thumb brushed against his cheek, reminiscent of a snowy New Year’s Eve. He would have felt mortified for having fucking cat litter on his face if it weren’t for the look on the other man’s face. Blaine looked hopeful and was looking at Seb like he was the most perfect thing his eyes had ever fallen upon. Normally he’d say something sarcastic or witty but no words fell from his usually silver tongue. God, Blaine could make him feel so much better with just a glance of those damn eyes, the color of dead leaves, chrysanthemums, and sun tea.  Seb swallowed the lump in his throat and tried for a sly smile, but instead his just for B grin spread across his face.  “Of course. We can do whatever you want.” He cleared his throat, “Umm. I can make a pot of coffee when I get back and dig into my schoolwork.” 

He was a little taken off guard when Blaine mentioned visiting his place. Sebastian could swear that Blaine could see his thoughts painted across his forehead or something. Maybe it just came with knowing somebody for so long or maybe Sebastian didn’t have as good of a poker face as he thought. 

“We can do that. There’s no rush.”  Sebastian laced his fingers with his boyfriend’s. “But, what will we ever do without Ms. Katy Perry watching over us like our very own gay Goddess?” He laughed and pointed at the candy colored poster on Blaine’s wall. “I don’t own anything quite that colorful. Just imagine like...an updated version of the apartment in American Psycho. God, that’s a terrible description isn’t it? But, my father did hand pick it after all so I suppose it’s on brand.” He took a breath,” all jokes aside, I’d love that. Now, what were you planning on making for dinner? I’d ask if you need my help but we both Know I would start a fire or cut my finger off or something.”

Blaine’s POV:

“It’s alright, Seb.” He shook his head and gently squeezed his boyfriend's hand. “I promise at bedtime I’ll pick all the toys up. I think I have a small container up in my closet that I can use until I can get something better. And the next time you’re here they won't be spread out like that, I just wanted to give her options for her first day here.” Of course Seb was worried about the little tornado of toys around his miniature apartment. Adorable. 

Blaine noted the way Sebastian cleared his throat, his voice a little wobbly and emotional as he told him they could do whatever he wanted and he wondered if it was because he was thinking about the night they reconnected too. Seb was looking at him adoringly with his big grin, the one that only Blaine really got to see, and big green blue eyes that told him he’d done something right. He looked up at his boyfriend, and gave him a relieved smile as Seb relented and said he’d stay. He wanted nothing more than for Seb to always look at him that way. It wasn’t something he was used to, maybe years ago, but now, he had the chance again and he wasn’t going to let it drift away. And maybe wanting him to stay was selfish, but Blaine was never selfish and today he wanted to be.

“You’re right, what will we do?” He teased as he thought over what he had to cook in his small refrigerator. He laughed over the American Psycho quip because of course Seb’s house was sophisticated and plain. “I guess I’ll just have to decorate your house up with various pop stars, won’t I? I’ll make sure there’s an extra pop of fluorescent pink just for you. I’ll make sure your fairy lights are a delightful shade of purple. You can pay me back by keeping your axes in your car for the night.” He paused, giggling at their jokes before pressing another kiss to Seb’s lips. “I’d really love to be there, too. Let me go see what I can put together.”

Blaine didn’t have much, but he had ground turkey, pasta and cheese, red pepper flakes and some bread from the deli so he put together a simple spaghetti and meat sauce with a little bit of a kick and made his own garlic bread. Over the next three hours they sipped on coffee and iced water and watched one of Seb’s terrible reality shows while Soot snoozed away, exhausted from her busy day. And after the dishes were cleared and they were settled back on the couch they kissed and giggled and messed around a little bit. They didn’t get too serious, but their lips were swollen by the end of the night and Seb let Blaine put his hands all over him- teasing and touching until Blaine was sure Seb went home for the night completely satisfied. 

After he’d gone, Blaine sent Sebastian a photo of all Soot’s toys cleaned up and tucked under the little coffee table so she could get them out when she wanted; See, all clean! To which Seb sent a photo back of his homework spread out in front of him, yet another cup of coffee just visible in the frame; Yes, looks so much better! And a bit later, in bed, right before falling asleep, Blaine sent Seb a photo of Soot curled up next to him against the wall by his head. Blaine angled it to show the empty space where Seb was absent; The only thing missing is you. <3. A bit later, Seb sent one of himself back, lying in bed, his chest exposed, with a little grin on his face. The spot next to him empty; Ditto. Your spot is waiting.

And then they fell asleep with declarations of I love you’s and wishes of goodnight’s from both of them. 

 /fin.

[we-justhere]

Oops pt. 2 but not like you’re thinking

Before I get into this, I just want to make it clear that I am very bad at commitment. I’m not good at doing things every day, either because I forget to or lose motivation, and almost as soon as I promised to post things I fell into a bout of ‘sadness’, no further details needed. I have requests that I will fill, you have been heard, but until then. 

I did a rp with @the-elusive-libbin and she gave me permission to post it. Granted there’s demand there might be a second part, but I’m posting this now because it’s starvation and the second half would be stuffing. I don’t want to subject you to it if that’s not what you’re here for, I understand. This is @the-elusive-libbin‘s own self-insert and Jakurai Jinguji of  Hypnosis Mic: Division Rap Battle. Let me know if you enjoy it. 

~~~~~

Exhaustion and fatigue was something Jakurai was sort of used to. He had a high stress job that squeezed the energy out of him throughout the day, and often he would be able to be just fine until he got home and he would instantly collapse after getting at least a few mouthfuls of food into his belly. But that was all granted things went sort of well.

Everything needed his attention today, and emergency after emergency forced him to go in and out of rooms without being able to even think between moments. He lost track of time and didn't exactly desire to check, but before he knew it he was stopped and told to take his lunch.

He probably did need to eat. He definitely needed to eat, but by then he was already full of adrenaline and had patients to take care of. He brushed off his breaks and his lunches and kept working, not yet feeling any sort of hunger or exhaustion. He wasn't worried about it yet.

He actually didn't have to worry about it for a long time and his body was patient enough to keep him going until his last patient. All of a sudden his body started slowing down and it took that much more effort to keep his eyes open and stay awake. He fought with his body on it for as long as he could until he was free to go, at which point he went right to his desk and fell asleep.

It wasn't as much of a 'I'm going to take a nap', it was more of a 'I'm going to collapse in the middle of work if I don't sleep'. Either way, he was completely blacked out.

Lily started down the miraculously clean corridor towards the doctor’s office. Sterile white walls surrounded her as she walked, a maze of monotonous barriers that all seemed to connect to everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Lily knew her route and hardly even had to think about where she was going or which direction to take, she had grown accustomed to it all through work.

The doctor was her higher up, that was all too true and she worked mostly for him as his nurse and organizer, in fact it was rare that she ever worked for another doctor within the practice; but today was different. She had hardly seen the long haired man with his ever present bags under his eyes and his white coat today aside from one point mid day where she had reminded him of his break, during a fleeting moment where the two passed by one another in a corridor. It had been way too busy to breathe, let alone chat and so the nurse thought it best to save discussing future plans with the older male until after the rush. The rush passed and the doctor was still MIA.

Lily approached a large, grey door that sported a miniature, frosted glass window and a small, golden nameplate. ‘Jinguji Jakurai Sensei.’ It stated in bold, black lettering. Perhaps the nurse had thought it best to check the doctor’s office last? In theory it should have been the first place she concluded to find the target. With a sigh at her own thought process, she turned the handle and entered the room What she saw left her slightly in awe. The doctor was sat at his desk, seemingly passed out, his long hair draped across the surface as his folded arms cradled his sleeping head. This was the first time the nurse had ever seen the doctor in this state. At first she became concerned that he may actually be dead but the soft rise and fall of his back as he breathed disregarded that notion.

The sound of the door stirred the doctor, forcing a quiet groan of unwillingness out of him. He hated the idea of moving, of waking up after sleeping for what only felt like a few seconds. His body was drained,, exhausted after not even finishing a full day. It was rather disconcerting.

His arms were suddenly comforting here, but once he saw who was in his office that comfort melted away into slight embarrassment. "Excuse me." He murmured as he straightened himself out, brushing out his uniform. "Our break.. is it over so soon? I only meant to be a few minutes." He combed his hand through his hair. "I'll be right out with you. I must have lost track of time."

“It’s only me.” Lily smiled, clipboard clutched close to her chest as she listened to his words carefully. Seeing him in a sleeping state like that was so out of character, so unusual, so....adorable! She wished just for a moment that he would fall back asleep. She shook the thoughts from her mind, quite literally and made herself dizzy in the process. “Hmm, sensei....you were gone for quite a while. You uhh, how do I put this? You fell asleep for longer than you may have thought. Your shift is over...you slept through.” She touched his shoulder gently with the softest smile she could muster. “You were so exhausted, I think your body may have started working against you there.”

His rest felt so short.. had he really slept that long? He glanced at his clock and felt his heart sink when it was confirmed before his very eyes. "Damn." Of course he slept through the rest of his shift. He held his hand to his forehead, cursing the time and his own body. It was embarrassing, being that reckless on the job when there very well could have been something serious that he should have been present for. Not that he seemed to mind that sort of thing, as his own stomach was one of the very things that he neglected most when it needed his attention. 

 "I didn't miss anything, did I?" He continued, meeting Lily's eyes. "I wish you would have woken me up sooner."

"You didn't, all of our patients remained stable after you left. We were busy but we managed to keep a hold of it all. Everything's okay. I'd have woken you up but I had no idea you were sleeping in here." She gestured to the office. "My apologies sensei, had I known where you were I'd have come to get you sooner"

It helped to know that he, at the very least, wasn't absent for something serious. He couldn't even imagine how embarrassed he would be if they needed him and he wasn't there because he was napping in his office. He would have to make it a note to force himself to sleep better at home, not that the damage hadn't already been done. "I'm glad they're doing better. Our patients, I mean." He started to trail off a bit as a growl tore through his stomach, stealing his thoughts away. He cringed at the feeling and clutched at his stomach. "Ah.. excuse me.."

Lily stared at the doctor’s stomach for a moment and then blinked. Once. Twice. Was- was that what she thought it was? The nurse’s thoughts were confirmed when she saw a hand grip tightly at the doctor’s abdomen. “W-was that your-?” A light blush rose to her cheeks as she accidentally cut herself off .

"We had an emergency during what was supposed to be my lunch." His arm didn't leave his stomach, partly out of shame and partly because the pain was somewhat lessened with the pressure. It was embarrassment after embarrassment, and Jakurai couldn't tolerate another noise like that. "I suppose that might have been a part of the problem. I didn't exactly have enough time to.." He cleared his throat and spoke in a more hushed tone. "You understand."

The nurse could feel her heart pounding in her chest and her face felt warm even without physically touching it. It took a minute or so before she could speak again, secondhand embarrassment washing over her. She had never in her life heard the doc's stomach and now she had, while they were alone....and it was fairly loud. "Y-you haven't eaten then?" A question that was more rhetorical than not.

The pause was just as excruciating for him, if not more. He was very grateful when she started talking. "Not since.." Well, his breakfast wasn't exactly outstanding either. He usually just ate whatever was quick enough to bring along with him if he even felt breakfast was necessary, as he was normally fine until lunch. Maybe 'fine' wasn't the best word, but rather he didn't feel weak or queasy until then. "No, I guess I haven't."

"Your poor tummy!" She almost cooed, accidentally using a less scientific term for stomach in the process. Perhaps she meant to keep that part in her mind bit regardless she blurted it into the open and now she felt even more warm in the face.

"It doesn't usually give me trouble." He loosened his grip over his stomach, choosing to ignore how cheery she seemed to be about the situation~ "I suppose I don't really allow it to give me trouble. We don't exactly have time to be focusing on ourselves." He was more or less speaking for himself. Obviously. "I'll be fine."

"You'll be fine when you get sustenance sensei. Your stomach is empty and you need fuel." She reached out and tentatively placed her palm against his midsection over his clothes, her hand shaking nervously as she did.

He didn't make any sort of effort to stop her. She already heard it, he didn't feel the need to pretend it didn't happen. He did get a slight tingling sensation under her palm, but that was greatly overshadowed by the dull, nigh constant rumbles that he had been trying so hard to conceal. He was sure she could feel them, but he couldn't tell how she felt about it. "I appreciate the concern."

It was then that without thinking Lily began to rub at the abdomen in front of her, setting the clipboard she held with her other hand down on the doctor's desk. She could feel harsh vibrations from palm to fingertip as his stomach clenched and spasmed under her hand. Deep yet fairly quiet grumbling came at intervals, sounding through the layers of muscle, skin and organ. Up and down, gently adding pressure as she rubbed his concave stomach, her face turning a colour that she presumed to be nothing short of crimson. The nurse could not meet his eyes and therefore could not tell his expression. The nerves were too real.

That certainly answered his question. He initially assumed it was a mistake, that her hand had slipped or something, but that proved to be absolutely ridiculous within the very same instant. He felt his breath leave his lungs once he realized what she was doing, but the more she massaged his clenched muscle the better it started to feel. Her hands felt soft and comforting even if they were above his clothes, and it really did feel like she was suppressing painful hunger pangs and making them more bearable. If not for her hot blush, the doctor would have no insight on how she was feeling or how nervous she was.

 He gently took her hands into his, temporarily pausing the massage. "I don't understand where this is coming from. You have to tell me."

"I-I just-" she stammered. He was actually HOLDING her hands. Both of them. Not just one, but both! She would have flushed more if she could. "I j-just thought if I massaged your stomach it would ease the p-pain. I meant no I'll will"

"It did ease the pain." He started to let go of her hands when he saw how quickly she fell apart. "It just seemed so sudden. You're always so nervous around me." It was such a confident move. Seemed so out of place for someone so timid, especially one that was proving his point with that powerful blush. "I really didn't mind it."

"w-well I..." she hid her face in her hands and said nothing more. What if he thought she was weird now? What if he became wary around her? 

  "I didn't mean to embarrass you." He stopped himself from touching her hands again. "I just needed to ask. I'm sorry if I.. spoiled it for you." Whatever 'it' happened to be. He didn't think of it as a pleasure thing and really did think she was doing it to help him feel better. It was a service, more like~ "It felt nice."

Lily peeped through the fingers on her one hand and gulped nervously. Was he actually smiling softly back at her? Her heart skipped a beat and she removed both hands from her face. "W-would you like me to continue?" She fidgeted on the spot.

The massages to help with the pain ironically kept him from going home and properly eating. The irony wasn't lost on him. This was the better option though-One where he got a free massage after a long day from someone that could hardly be around him without nearly combusting before this. "I wouldn't say no to it." He agreed, a slight purr evident in his voice. "Though I imagine it will get worse no matter how much you take care of it."

“T-then...” Lily tucked her hair behind one ear and knelt down on the floor next to the doctor. She placed her hand back onto his empty tummy and began to massage once again. “Then I’ll continue a while longer.”

His cheeks reddened as she knelt next to him. He didn't get this sort of attention a lot, really ever, and especially not from her. He didn't think she was even capable of doing this. He felt like he should talk, or say something at least, but all he could really think about was her hands. "Have you thought about doing this before?"

She flinched. “What? D-do you mean massaging your belly?” She immediately flushed and ducked her head as she realized what she had said. 

"Y..yes." It was strange to go from how they usually talked to each other to how they were talking now. His hand twitched, a visible effort he made to stop himself from covering his stomach as a noisy rumble sounded off beneath his shirt. It would take some time to get used to hearing that. "..You don't have to answer that."

Lily twinged as the doctor’s stomach groaned beneath her hand and was surprised at the little noise he gave off himself “Answer your question or your stomach?” 

"The question." His face flushed at her statement. "I assumed that this had to come from somewhere. That you wouldn't have done this for no reason." He looked at her hand rather than her face. "I'm looking too far into it."

“M-maybe you are.....” she trailed off, letting her words linger in the air for a while. She massaged what she thought was a knot and earned a deep roar from the belly in return. Changing the subject seemed to be a good option so lily took it. “You sound so empty.”

The roar was extra painful for him, making it impossible to stop a grunt. It was bittersweet, both the pain of such deep growls with the pleasure of the massage, and he couldn't agree more with her. "I'm sure I've gone this long without eating before. I can't remember it ever hurting this much." That didn't really mean an awful lot. "I guess I stuff it when I get home on days like this before I give it the chance to hurt."

The nurse’s eyes widened. “Stuff...” it came across as a question though it was never meant to be. Her eyes met his finally as they sparkled hopefully.

"Not intentionally." He dragged his fingers through his hair, taking her question as concern or judgment. "I just try to shut it up before it gets started. I don't mean to gorge or anything. I stop before it gets to be too much. I promise." His mood shifted when he saw that glittering in her eyes. There wasn't any sort of judging to be seen on her face. "I really do try not to eat too much. Even when I'm hungry." 

“I see~” she smiled, her grin showing just how happy in the moment she actually was. “But you have been stuffed before? Full of food.” She knew talking about food could possibly upset his stomach into complaining and cramping up but in Lily’s eyes that was a bonus. Regardless of embarrassment, she was finding a way to push through and talk about things she really wanted to talk about. Things she truly desired.

"I don't think I've ever needed to." He had accidentally overeaten maybe once, but he never let himself indulge. He was tired when he got home, lunch was his main meal and dinner was what he could get down before he fell asleep. Stuffing himself.. didn't seem so bad right now. It actually sounded nice, and thinking about it made his hunger feel that much more dramatic. "Maybe I will tonight.. since I've already slept plenty."

Lily fidgeted. She remembered how Hifumi tended to cook for the doctor on occasion to save time and an idea struck, sticking to her mind like tape to paper. “I....I could cook for you sensei...I-If you’re not busy.” She rambled, her face flushing. “I mean you don’t have to, it’s not weird like a date or anything....!!!Date?!? No I didn’t mean that, well I did, it’s just that you’re hungry and I have food...I mean I can make food....I’m going to stop talking now.”

Her scrambling was sort of charming. This was the Lily that he had come to know. He had somewhat expected an offer after her line of questioning, though he had to admit he didn't know what the offer was going to be, exactly. Free food was always a pleasure regardless. "I don't know how much energy I'd have to cook when I got home anyway. If it's not too much of a bother, of course, I'd love to eat with you. Ah, please don't feel pressured to feed me. I know it seems pretty bad, but I assure you I know how to feed myself.”

Lily paused, her face turning red. She stood and looked around the doctor’s chin area, again avoiding eye contact. “T-then....w-would you like to come to my house for a homemade meal? I’ll t-try to keep the portion size as accurate as possible...”

He wasn't sure what she meant by 'accurate', but he would trust her. They were both trained to take care of people, who would know better than her? Homemade sounded good anyway, no matter what it was she planned to cook. He supposed people enjoyed cooking for him, that he wouldn't have to cook for himself with all of this pampering.  "That sounds nice. I wouldn't mind the company, either."

~~~~

That’s all I have for you. It’s pretty long, sorry about that. Maybe.

[awhitehead17]

Would You Go If I Asked You?

TimKon, High School AU, Prom, Friendship, Suit Shopping, Fluff, Humour, Getting Together. 

Summary: It's that time of year when everyone talks about nothing except prom. Tim hates it. He doesn't want to go and has repeatedly told his friends this, they just aren't listening to him. However, his adamant decision about not going becomes questionable when his best friend appears at his house, dressed to the nines, and asks him a certain question.

Enjoy! :D      

“Cassie that’s beautiful!”

“You’re going to look stunning!”

“I wished mine looked like that!”

Tim rubs his hands over his face and groans. Thanks to Bart, Jamie and Kon he had been left alone at the lunch table with all of the girls in their friendship group. While he loved them all, being alone with them while they gossip and talk about dresses and make-up wasn’t something Tim enjoyed doing.

At the moment, because it’s that time of year, all they were talking about was prom. Cassie was showing everyone at the table a picture of the dress she will be wearing. Tim catches a glimpse of the photo and has to admit, that was a stunning dress. A long red dress, covered in a gold glitter pattern, the glitter wasn’t too in your face but was just enough that in certain lighting you could see it sparkle.

This goes on for most of lunch, the girls each show the others what dress they’ll be wearing or are planning on buying. Tim blanks out of the conversation in favour of his phone, how could the guys leave him to the wolves like this? He knows that Kon and Jamie both have football training (a short session during lunch) and how Bart is stuck in chemistry catching up with work, but that didn’t stop Tim from scowling and cussing them out.

It was nearing the end of lunch and most of the girls start to get up from the table, saying their goodbyes before leaving for class. Soon enough it was just Cassie and Tim left at the table.

“Sorry for ignoring you Tim.” She says apologetically turning to face him.

Tim shrugs and gives her an easy smile, “Na don’t worry about it, I know what you girls all get like. Especially this time of year with prom around the corner.”

“Yeah. So…” She trails off looking at him expectantly.

He raises an eyebrow, “So what?”

She huff and smacks him in the arm, “You know what! Got yourself a nice looking tux yet?”

This time Tim huffs and shakes his head. It was only a matter of time before that question came up, though he’s surprised it didn’t come up earlier when the whole group was together.

Cassie sighs, “Tim come on, we’ve talked about this. Why don’t you want to go? It’ll be fun and everyone is going.”

Tim shrugs, “I don’t know, I just don’t see the point in going. I don’t really want to go if I’m being honest.”

“There’ll be food, music, dancing and we’ll all have a blast because the whole group is going!”

“Sounds great, I hope you have fun.” Tim deadpans. She uses that same line every time when trying to convince him to go.

That’s when the first warning bell rings, indicating the end of lunch and to start getting to class. Together they start getting up and walking to class. Before they part ways, Tim turns to her, “I’ll think about it.”

She doesn’t look convinced, “You said that three weeks ago. Better think quickly because it’s only four weeks away!”

They part ways and Tim shakes his head. Right, another four weeks of nonstop talking about prom and everything surrounding the topic. Great times.

“I’ve still got to decide on what colour I want. I know what style I want but just can’t pick a colour. I’m stuck between light grey and dark grey.”

“How dark is the dark grey?”

“A charcoal kind of grey.”

“I would say go for that one. It’ll match your hair better.”

“I suppose.”

Tim was ready to smash his face into a brick wall. If anyone thinks that girls are worse than guys for getting ready, or worrying about their appearance, they are very wrong. Guys are just as bad, if not worse, than girls.

It was after school and they were chilling at the local park on the grass in the nice weather. It didn’t take long for the conversation they were having to turn to the topic of prom. Tim just couldn’t get away from it.

Bart had brought the topic up wanting opinions on what suit colour they think he should get. Kon and Jamie immediately jump in on the topic and offer him their opinions.

Kon leans back on his arms and looks up at the sky, “Man I’m glad I got mine done early, saves me worrying about it now and at last minute.”

Next to him Jamie snorts, “The only reason you’re done is because your Ma made you get it early. We all know you would’ve been getting it the day before amigo.”

Grins at him, “but my point still stands. What about you? You got yours yet?”

Jamie nods, “Nearly, just need to get a tie now.”

“Aw man that's what else I gotta think about!” Bart exclaims, “I need to work out whether I get a tie or a bowtie!”

The two of them start bickering about what would look better and Tim decides just to let them get on with it. That’s when Kon turns to him, poking him in the leg to get his attention. “You’ve been awfully quiet Timmers. How about you? What suit you got?”

Tim takes a breath and reminds himself that Kon is his best friend and lashing out at him for the question, when he very well knows Tim’s opinion on prom, wasn’t really acceptable. “I don’t have one and I won’t be getting one. You know that I don’t want to go.”

Kon frowns and Tim feels slightly guilty for the harsh tone of voice he had used but thankfully his friend doesn’t take any offence. “Well I didn’t know if you had changed your mind about it yet that’s all. There's still time if you do want to go.”

He shakes his head not really want to hear it. Thankfully, Tim is saved from that conversation when the others get their attention again.

“Hey guys, we’re going to go shopping this weekend to look at accessories. Want to come?”

Kon sends Tim one last look before turning away, “Yeah sure. I’ve got nothing better to do anyway.”

They all look at Tim waiting for his answer and after a moment of debating he shrugs, “Fine, at least it’ll get me out the house for a bit.” He rather not go, there was a new RP game that was coming out this weekend that was calling his name but as he said, at least he’ll get out of the house and at the same time be with his mates.

That Saturday afternoon Tim finds himself in a clothes store trailing behind his friends. They had been to at least three different shops before this one in search for accessories for Bart’s prom suit. Bart has been leading them all over the mall for several hours looking for what he wants and it didn’t seem like he was going to be stopping any time soon.

He and Jamie were over by the ties looking and comparing different ones while bickering about everything the other pulls up. Tim rolls his eyes at their behaviour. At this rate they’ll be leaving this shop with empty hands.

Tim was soon distracted when a heavy arm wraps itself around his neck, he’s then forced to bend over as knuckles rub harshly against his scalp. Letting out a squawk Tim fights back until he’s released, he pushes the other body away and stands up straight to sort out the damage that had been done to his hair.

Opposite him Kon was laughing and Tim couldn’t fight the smile that makes its way onto his face as he watches his best friend. After a moment Kon gets a hold of himself and chucks his arm back over Tim, this time letting it rest against his shoulders.

“Would you stop frowning man? I swear it’s going to end up sticking and you’ll look like that for the rest of your life. What’s wrong dude?”

Tim sighs and shrugs, “Nothing, I’m fine.”

Kon’s other hand comes up and flicks him in the ear. Tim complains and rubs the sore spot. “Yeah right dude, I know you, remember.”

Well he’s not wrong, they’ve known one another since they were pubescent teenagers. Kon gives him a squeeze, “Now come on, we may as well make use of our time because I don’t think they’ll be finished arguing over ties anytime soon.”

His best friend leads them through the shop and Tim simply lets him, it wasn’t until they were standing in front of suits that Tim gives him a disapproving look. “Just at least look at some of them, see if any catches your eye!”

Tim rolls his eyes and goes to argue but seeing the determination on Kon’s face he thinks better of it and decides to humour his friend instead. Looking can’t hurt anyone right?

Two hours later, somehow, Tim finds himself walking out of the store carrying a new suit. He doesn’t know how it happened, just that it did and how it was mostly Kon’s fault. Jamie and Bart also walk out of the store carrying something of their own. Bart now has a bowtie that matches the colour of his suit and Jamie walks out with the tie he wanted.

Tim still doesn’t know if he’ll go to prom, even after finally getting a suit for it. He couldn’t deny that spending the day with Kon, just the two of them by some extent, was actually pretty nice. They don’t spend a lot of time together just by themselves, the only thing that would have made today better would have been if they were doing anything else other than suit shopping.

Three weeks go by and it’s finally the night of prom. His grade at school had been buzzing and that’s all people could talk about. Tim very much wanted to skip the day at school but he was forced to go anyway. Somehow he came out the other side still somewhat sane.

However he wasn’t going.

He didn’t want to go. The suit he brought a few weeks ago remains hung up on the back of his bedroom door completely untouched and still in its bag it came in.

Instead, he was choosing to spend this night in his comfy clothes, surrounded by his favourite snacks and watching a few new films that’s popped up on Netflix recently. At least that’s what he was planning because then a knock came from the front door and Dana was shouting up to him.

“Tim, your friend’s here. I’ll let him up!”

Tim barely had time to try and work out what she means when his bedroom door was opening and revealing his best friend. His mouth drops open when Kon walks into the room, dressed in a navy tux with a white shirt, fancy dress shoes and his hair was styled and jelled back. He looked hot.

Kon beams at him, his smile unintentionally finishing off his whole look. He looked perfect. Not that Tim was going to tell him that of course.

“Hey man.” Kon greets him in the end.

Getting over himself Tim sits up on his bed and shoots his friend a look, “Hey Kon. What you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with everyone else?”

“I thought I’d make a small diversion on my way to Cassie’s.” He explains giving Tim a once over. “You’re not dressed.”

Tim rolls his eyes, “Kon I’m not going, I’ve told you this. Therefore I don’t need to get dressed. I hope you all have a good time though and I’ll have a look at the photos later on.”

Kon sighs and Tim feels himself bristle at the action. “That just won’t do…” Kon mumbles to himself before walking around Tim’s room, he finds Tim’s suit hanging on the door and picks it up, bringing it over to his bed.

“Now come on, get dressed, shouldn’t take you too long and we can be at Cassie’s by the hour.”

Tim glares at his friend and crosses his arms over his chest, refusing to even make a comment at the behaviour.

Kon’s frown soon morphs into his puppy dog eyes look, the one he uses when he wants to get his own way. “Please Timmy.”

“No Kon. I am this close to telling you to fuck off right now.”

“Oh come on dude please!” Kon whines, he then moves and sits down next to Tim on the bed, throwing an arm over his shoulders. “It won’t be the same without you man. Please come, at least for me if not anything else.”

Tim snorts at his words, “You asking me to prom Kon?” He teases with a small smile. In the back of his mind he’s screaming at the idea of it.

Next to him Kon stiffens, “Would that work? Would you change your mind if I asked you?”

Most likely. “Well I know you wouldn’t actually mean it now though.” Tim comments with a raised eyebrow.

Kon shoots him a determined look and stands up off the bed, he moves around so he’s in front of Tim and kneels on the ground. He reaches out and takes one of Tim’s hands in his own, holding it steady, “Timothy Jackson Drake, would you do me the honour and be my date to tonight’s prom?”

God, why does this seem so much like a wedding proposal? Kon looks absolutely stunning and the way he was just looking up at Tim with hope in his eyes. Tim feels his barriers finally break, the ones he’s had up since this whole prom nonsense started

“Yeah okay, fine. I’ll go.” Tim mutters in the end, defeated. He wishes that it was really real, not that he’ll ever tell Kon that. He’s kept his crush very close to his heart and hasn’t told anyone about it, he’s really tried to not make it obvious the entire time.

Once again Kon beams at him, he stands up and makes Tim rise up with him. Before Tim could protest Kon was wrapping him up in a hug and holding him close. Tim tenses for a moment but soon relaxes into the contact.

They pull apart but neither of them actually let go of the other and Tim finds himself staring up at Kon’s face. He doesn’t know who moves first but he certainly knows when their lips make contact, the world could end and he wouldn’t have even noticed.

Kon’s lips were soft and kind of tasted minty, he feels the other teens hand rise up and cup the back of his head as they tilt their heads to accommodate the action better. When Kon nips his lips Tim lets out a moan and opens his mouth which Kon instantly takes advantage of.

They eventually separate and Tim blinks up at him, wondering what the hell that was all about. Did that really just happen?

“Okay so I have wanted to do that for a really long time and I really hope this doesn’t end our friendship, but in all seriousness would you actually like to go to prom with me despite you obviously not wanting to go. I know the group is all just going as friends but I would really like it-”

Tim stops Kon’s nervous rambling by kissing him again. This time keeping it short and sweet.

“Yes, you know what yes, I’ll go with you to prom Conner Kent. And I have also wanted to do that for a long time.”

There’s a pause between them but eventually Kon leans forward and rests his forehead against Tim’s, smiling dopily. There’s a similar smile on Tim’s own face that he doesn’t bother try to fight.

No one comments when they turn up late to prom. Their group of friends all smile knowingly at Tim and he gets the suspicious feeling that he had somehow been set up on the whole thing, especially when no one comments on how he’s turned up after, very clearly, stating he didn’t want to go.

Tim wasn’t going to complain however, especially not then because he gets to hold Kon’s hand and dance with him, he’ll just demand answers out of them all later on. He’s glad he went prom after all.

[bledmagic]

**the following is no way indicative of direct rp interactions & is solely referring to the personal canon to idrylla. if your muse wants to refer to the closeness of one of the companions listed here by all means, unless you are holding another rper muse in mind as that connection is different & not based upon these by the interactions idrylla & that muse has had. however if you would like to base interactions on these descriptions with your muse def lemme kno & we can plot on this further !

idrylla is not the only focus of the story, they are one of many that line the cast of our main tale & the interactions between idrylla & these characters drive the story forward or back. as the game still rests within the area of early access & there are hints from datamining of future companions this list is not complete nor is it going to contain anything proper beyond act 1 in terms of connections. with the previous statement said, here is each of our companions & the relationships held with idrylla as per the canon to their character & me. **i will note if i have romanced a npc like this, as the game is in early access n just like in who’s line is it anyway the choices n points dont matter there is no canon romance for idrylla at this moment in time. 

LAE’ZEL: idrylla has very few memories of the nautilus. their capture, their containment, & the escape itself is somewhat of a blurry mess. what they do remember is lae’zel. they remember her face, her struggling, her escaping that pod. they saw the moment the mind flayer infected lae’zel & the fear held within the githyanki’s features. all of this is unspoken between the two, but for idrylla it’s spurned a lot of emotions that have boiled down to pushing idrylla to get close to lae’zel & be quite defensive of her with strangers( shadowheart can make a few insults as a treat, lae’zel in return can make some serious threats in return as a treat ). it is with the first weeks of travel idrylla can be found hanging out along side lae’zel like a safety net, finding the familiarity of their escape as a bridge to base a friendship upon. despite that link that idrylla has tied between them they find lae’zel absolutely delightful in every way possible & considers lae’zel probably the closest friend idrylla has had in years, the honesty lae’zel shows in the most blunt way a refreshing change from the passive aggressiveness of the wizards guild peers. beyond all this, lae’zel is also the first githyanki has ever known & has prodded the poor warrior with a multitude of questions to absorb the info like a weird elf sponge, even going out of their way to learn on their own & ask lae’zel about later on. idrylla holds lae’zel’s opinon in high regard & often will ask her or look to her for her advice & even if not followed takes it in consideration. anyways they are best friends. ( lae’zel: we are not ‘friends’ / idrylla: you’re right. we are best friends, pal. / lae’zel: tch. ) **lae’zel has been romanced 

SHADOWHEART: while idrylla did try to save shadowheart from her pod, idrylla also has particularly failed at every turn to get shadowheart to even attempt to trust them. traditionally anyway. since the common ground of the parasite & needing to team up & trust each other has failed to get shadowheart to loosen up, idrylla has taken the approach to just be a utter nuisance to shadowheart. often chiding the other with jokes or teases, stirring up trouble between shadowheart & lae’zel, forcing shadowheart to go talk to people at parties( notable example is when idryl forced shadowheart to dance with them at the big fun tiefling celebration party in which shadowheart was so emabrassed she probs would have died on the spot if she wasnt actually having fun the whole time ), etc etc. shadowheart stresses idrylla out, so tightly wounded & clearly bothered by something that is clearly at times more dire than the worm in their brain. it activates idrylla’s older sibling mode near instantly as often the fussing of the other reminds idrylla very warmly of their younger siblings, one being very similar to the uptight cleric. when shadowheart does breakdown some of those walls & reveals her religious beliefs idrylla presents themselves as very accepting. while agnostic themselves, they do make a point to show they hold no ill will to shadowheart & support them, but more importantly wants shadowheart to learn to rely on them from then on to be more honest about anything. it’s after this shadowheart tends to be less antagonistic toward idrylla. but only a little less.

WYLL: idrylla noted early on that the “”””stone”””” that rests in his socket has a heartshaped looking pupil & annoyingly( to everyone except wyll himself ) calls him hearteye. as a baldurian they are very well versed in knowing the various tales & stories of the blade of frontiers. wyll is idrylla’s favorite drinking companion & the two get along like a pair of bros in a budding bromance that will make the fans go crazy. wyll holds a hard sense of justice that idrylla tends to think of a buzzkill at times, but does value the pull of morality his chiding holds considering her own moral standing at current is fuzzy at best. she does truly worry about how skiddish he tends to be about his guarded secrets & once learning upon the truth they promise to aid them in his quest to save his ‘totally not devil girlfriend’ & when wyll protests about such a title idryl simply responses ‘oh no i totally get it, hearteye.’ with a laugh & wink. idrylla also has wyll teach them the use of the blade, taking those teachings & applying them to their learnings of the staff as a weapon vs a channel for magic. often one can see them sparing in camp on down time. wyll is also the only one of the companions who gave idrylla a proper condolence when idrylla’s less than tragic backstory is revealed to the the companions, to which idrylla who was properly touched thanked him with a hand to their heart & a ‘aww, thanks man. you’re a real one.’

ASTARION: idrylla is far softer on astarion than they should be & they will deny it. usually such a judgement of letting astarion getting away with ( in most cases, literally ) murder is preceded by a loud groan or sigh. it’s not that idrylla wants to dull astarion’s sparkle, but more of a general worry. the more idrylla learns of him, the more & more they just feel bad( astarion: i rather be spared of pity, thanks / idryl: it’s not pity. i don’t pity you its just. well hearing that shit that happened to you ? makes me sick, man. horrible things to go through. makes me want to hit something. ). but the primary worry is what will happened to their newfound friend once the parasite is extracted, will astarion burn up in the sun ? prevented from hanging out with them at bars ? will they not be able to find something for him to eat on the journey they set on ? idrylla has no real way to comfort astarion in the face of his past & it makes them uncomfortable. all that can be offered is a arm about his shoulder & a ear to listen.  beyond all this, however, the two get along disturbingly well. idrylla’s current fuzzy moral standing & general pull to do really stupid things setting a stage for the two of them to act in their own chaotic fashion. the two make comments with each other that would make people wonder if they share a braincell. idrylla often pulls lae’zel into their shenanigans much to her dismay. the fact that astarion is a vampire spawn has absolutely zero negative effect or reaction from idrylla. **astarion has been romanced

GALE: i hate these two. considering gale being a wizard busybody i have to do the most divergent shit with this mf. love this catdad, anyways here go. gale & idrylla absolutely know of each other prior to the events of the game & have a loving rivalry friendship thing going on. they have met a few times due to the wizarding guild( take in mind, this wizard guild is something im developing for idrylla & is not canonical to the game ) of which gale would visit, but is not apart of, due to his associations. the two never had a proper moment of conversation prior but are as i said, very aware of each other at least in terms of their talents in magic. so whilst there is a pre-established link between them they are without a doubt strangers. their rivalry comes out at any time magic is spoken about or knowledge thereof. a interesting change in demeanor for idrylla who, for all intents & purposes before & during the events, tended to not have a proper ambitious or know-it-all bone in their body. the two will often agree about magic or purposely disagree. they speak of other wizards & generally are capable of working together to figure out spells or something magical in puzzles. when gale says that idrylla knows nothing about the weave, it took everything in idrylla to not set him on fire. when faced with the truth about gale’s utterly stupid need to consume magic & the reason behind it, idrylla simply just starts smacking him on the arm & calling him an idiot( considering idrylla’s recent expulsion from the wizarding guild spurred on by peers that are  power hungry & would do whatever they could to get ahead, the ordeal of gale sits very heavy on idrylla. while they does apologize later & explains the why. ). over time the two have gotten less antagonistic to each other & more or less bicker for the fun of it, showing that the two have found themselves more or less comfortable with each other & in their aventures found respect in each other’s talents. so far anyway. idrylla has threatened to steal gale’s cat( in jest to make gale wig out. )

[tc-obsessed]

july tc challenge

this blog is most likely just for me to talk about him because i really can’t talk about this with nobody else, so i am actually doing all the question at once cause I don’t have that much time to do it once a day

this challenge is made by @baeby-tc

1. describe your tc’s physical appearance.

He is taller tan me, has a curly hair he lets it grow to his ears and a little long so he can handle it, I have always seen him with it thrown to the back, he has brown hair and brown eyes, he is a bit full but I think it makes him cute

2. what was the first thing you’ve ever said to your tc?

He said my name to know if I was in the class and I think I said like, “That’s me” and he proceed to smile like always.

3. is your tc single or taken? Or are you unsure? And are you single or taken?

So far as I know he is single, we met after I broke up with a toxic ex, and now I actually am in a relationship, which its kind of hard because its not a serious one and he also knows I am in love with H.

4. is your tc more of the athletic type, the nerdy type or the artsy type?

Super duper artsy, he is my teacher at an art college, and also super nerdy he is like such a geek for like games and stuff I really don’t have a clue.

5. if you and your tc were in high school together, do you think you’d be friends?

Not really, I don’t think he would be able to handle or want to even be near me, I was really depressed and was super mean, and he is an easy going guy who doesn’t barge in somebody else’s problems, also he is super into cute girls and I am totally the opposite

6. name one song that reminds you of your tc and explain why that song reminds you of them.

The song is one that I love, and H kind of didn’t like much but since we heard it together he always pops into my head when I listen to it, its Graduation by Hyukoh. I think its one the moment I appreciate of him cause we were just naming random songs we liked and he literally grabbed his computer and started showing his songs as I said which ones I liked, we started with like two more classmates then just the two of us, until he left.

7. is your tc fashionable or are they more of the simple type? what is one outfit you’d love to see them wear?

Fuck no, like he is such a bad dresser, I am so interested in fashion and he always wears this ugly orange jacket, I swear to god I would kill to see him in something more for his age, like I think it’s really nice how he likes but he has such a bad style, I think if we ever come to be together I would go out to shop for him and try to find other color that its definitely NOT orange.

8. would you be willing to become a teacher and teach your tc’s subject if it meant you two could be together?

Not really like a teacher, but I would be so down to be his assistant, though he already has one.

9. does your tc drink or smoke?

No, I have seen photos of him drinking but now he always avoids it. And he doesn’t like the smell of cigarettes.

10. name one item that is always on your tc’s desk.

It used to be like a mug with coffee or a coke, now its just water. And I like to think it was because of me, but that’s an story I’ll leave for another update.

11. has your tc ever done anything that has either thrown you off, annoyed you, angered you or bothered you in any way? if so, what did they do?

Its unfair cause he is really nice, he has never said or done anything, I just get plain angry or sad when I cant see him, and that isn’t his fault.

12. does your tc have any past jobs that you know of, before becoming a teacher?

None that I know of.

13. does your tc have kids or siblings? if so, how many?

I am sure he has a few brothes.

14. are you taking your tc’s class next year?

Unfortunately I cant, he only teaches first and second years, and I am already a third year, if I could I totally would do it.

15. has your tc ever met your parents? if you were there, what was the meeting like?

Thank god no.

16. has your tc ever given you detention? if so, what was it like?

Nope, we don’t have it at college.

17. has your tc ever failed you? if so, how did you react? if not, how would you react?

No, and I think I would just accept it, like he is a teacher for a reason, if he thinks I didn’t understand and I need another year learning, so be it.

18. what are your tc’s hobbies/interests? are they similar to yours?

He is into like a really nerdy rp podcat/talk show? I am so into tv shows, he draws characters form the rp, and I just focus on drawing homework and ocs. So not really, but we both enjoyed game of thrones.

19. have you ever spoken on the phone with your tc? what did you talk about?

I have texted him before, never called, and mostly is for my new animated project or things for the student council, once or twice we talked about something not related to college, but that’s also a thing I plan on explain into detail later.

20. if you had your tc’s class during quarantine, what were your zoom calls like? if not, have you spoken to your tc since quarantine?

No, and I don’t know if its good or bad, because I definitely want to see him, but its not like its private so I guess I would be really sad for not having his attention. And yes, we have talked, I asked him for advices in my new proyect, he is really sharp and has a good, and then he responded two of my ig stories, so I am happy he actually talked to me first.

21. if you had the chance to go anywhere in the world with your tc, where would you go? what would you do?

So, I know he has gone to japan a few times, and I would actually enjoy to go with him there, like, imagine him saying his experiences and helping me with things he had to learn.

22. does your tc have any nicknames for you?

Sadly no, he is really professional, so if he ever gave me a nickname it would be kinda wrong, tho he calls me by my name when he is talking about work and by my nick name (everybody at my uni calls me by that), when we ran into each other at the u. sometimes he switches it up.

23. have you ever cried in front of your tc? why? how did they react?

I been close to it, but he actually passed by and I turned around so he wouldn’t see me.

24. have you ever walked/drove to/from school with your tc?

No, sadly. I am always early and he is always late. But we have bumped into each other on the stairs.

25. do you know which teachers your tc is friends with at school? if so, do you like those teachers?

Yes, I mean most of them know each other, and they are all so friendly.

26. why does your tc’s voice sound like?

Hard to describe, he has like a confident lowish voice.

27. do you like your tc as a teacher? are they a good teacher?

He super professional and like strict, and soo picky, like he can give you so many advices and at the same time try to make room fot you to think about it and have a solution yourself, he is great.

28. does your tc prefer books, shows or movies?

Shows I think, he likes how a character grows from his past mistakes, but he likes reading too.

29. is your tc stern or easy going, in class?

Kinda both, like he is really nice and easygoing until he needs to be stern.

30. how would you describe you and your tc’s relationship?

Weird, like we are friendly, but he has always this way to push me away, but at the same time we always makes things that caught my attention or he talks to me like nothing.

31. do you address your tc by their first or last name?

Yes, its actually normal, everybody calls him by his name or a nickname, i personally call him his name with a rhyme

[evalinkatrineberg]

Breaking Down

A/N: 18.8k word C6 side rp with @arin-schreave . Contains the usual - phone calls, tea, and a breakdown. You know how it goes. ;)

The fact that I wasn’t even surprised to find myself in the kitchen, beginning to make coffee around two in the morning should have been my first sign that something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t that I was completely oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t exactly thriving at the moment - I knew I needed more sleep, I knew I needed to stop skipping events I deemed non-essential for school work, and I knew I needed to stop avoiding the people I had begun to think of as friends - and yet, no matter how tired I was, I was in no way making an effort to change anything.

After eight days in a row of having the same dream, I had bitten the bullet, and actually began to research the psychology surrounding recurring dreams. The answers I had found were not reassuring to me in the slightest. Despite that, I had kept the dream to myself, knowing that whenever my brain did finally shut off, and let me rest, it wouldn’t be long before I was awake again, my heart racing like I had just run a marathon.

That’s exactly what had happened tonight. I had attempted to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, I really had, but within forty-five minutes of falling asleep, I had jolted awake once more. At that point, I had traded my pajamas for a pair of loose jeans and an oversized university sweatshirt that I had stolen from my father when I had done the laundry months ago, and had then smuggled here with me. I was glad I had thought to do that. The concept of having to put on a dress at two in the morning wasn’t exactly appealing. I was at the point where I hadn’t even bothered putting in my contact lenses, opting to stick with my glasses instead.

My only coherent thought had been that if I was going to be awake, I might as well do something productive with the extra hours. So, I had wandered down the halls in a daze, stopping when I finally reached the kitchen, where I now stood, staring at my coffee as it slowly dripped through the filter and into the pot, as if each droplet was a memory I could shove back out of my head. Plink. Lukas’s lips on mine. Plink. His fingers trailing across my chest as he buckled my seatbelt for me. I shuddered, wishing my mind would throw the memory - if that was what it was, as I was beginning to suspect - of that night back wherever it had been buried before.

“Oh, hey, Evalin.”

The sound of another voice made me jump. Who else was awake right now? Why was anybody else awake right now? My shoulders still tensed, I looked over my shoulder, only to see Arin looking back at me.

Of course this would be how he’d see me for the first time since the ball. He just couldn’t have stumbled into me when I actually looked presentable.

The letter I had written to him that night currently sat folded in my sweatshirt pocket, where I had placed it after re-reading it once I had woken up the morning after the ball, and immediately deemed it completely incomprehensible. I couldn’t send something like that to him. I had already made myself look like enough of a fool at that point, with the amount of champagne I had drunk. I probably owed at least half a dozen people a sincere apology, Arin potentially being one of them.

I rolled my shoulders back and down, exhaling as I did. “Oh, hello!” I replied, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I was sure he could see that I looked worse for the wear - though whether or not he even noticed was another issue entirely - but maybe I could cover that up with a facade of energy and happiness. It was Arin, after all. He probably had forgotten about the ball by this point.

He raised his eyebrows at me as he walked closer, passing me on his way to the fridge. “What are you doing here?”

My gaze immediately drifted to the pot of coffee slowly filling up besides me. I could try to lie, to deny that it was mine, but who would believe that? Covering that up wasn’t as easy as covering up exhaustion. Each drip of coffee was now a reminder that this was my life, this was what it had come to - standing in the kitchen of a palace with a prince who was grabbing a late night snack, while I looked like a stressed college freshman during their first midterm week, after pulling eight all nighters in a row.

Yeah, things were not going great, to say the least.

“Making coffee,” I admitted, turning to face him. At two in the morning, you know, like normal people do. “I couldn’t sleep, so I figured I might as well be productive.”

His eyes drifted towards the coffee pot, and then back to me. “Is something going on?”

I refused to believe that he didn’t know the answer to that question. Yes, he often stayed up late working, based on my own observations, and whispers I had heard from other people, but surely he must have known that the majority of people did not make coffee in the middle of the night when things were going well, or even just when things were normal. There really was no way in which I could spin this to make it look good.

“Just,” I began, closing my eyes for a moment. Just what? Just tired? Just confused? Just leave me alone, please? My thoughts were only becoming more jumbled the less sleep I got. The clearest thoughts, the easiest ones to process, were those that were true. Short, simple sentences, that contained only facts, and little emotion. Hadn’t I said multiple times that I needed to be more honest with him?

I reopened my eyes, exhaling before trying to speak again. “I really haven’t been sleeping much at all.” My voice was quiet, my words a lot sharper and faster than I would have liked, but it was a start. A stepping stone. A building block.

“For some reason, that seems to be going around at the moment,” he sighed.

Some part of me wanted to be angry, interpreting his words as a dismissal of my own problems. That part of me was exhausted, and clearly not thinking straight. He was right. How many nights had I seen Reggie in the library these past few weeks, working just as late - if not later - than me? Even Idalia seemed exhausted whenever I saw her in lessons, and Arin himself was also awake right now, after all.

I gave him a soft smile, quelling the rising tide of anger I had felt. “I’ve noticed. I just…” I trailed off, distracted once again by the droplets of coffee making their way into the pot. Plink. Something was going on back home with my family. Plink. Arin didn’t even know if he felt anything more than friendship for me. Plink. Lukas’s hand on my chest.

This had to stop. I tore my gaze away from the coffee, watching him as he continued to make his way towards the fridge. “Can I be honest?”

“Go for it,” he said with a nod.

I felt my throat close up before I could even open my mouth. Opening up to others had never been a strong suit of mine. Not because I didn’t trust the people I was close to with my secrets, but rather because I cared about them, and knew their worries, and didn’t want to add to their own problems. Half the time when I tried to confide in someone else, I’d end up choking up before I could finish talking, which only made whoever I was talking to more concerned. So, at some point, I had just slowly stopped being fully open with others, content to handle my problems on my own.

I felt like if I didn’t say something about what was on my mind soon, though, I was going to burst. I’d just have to keep my emotions in check, was all.

With a sigh, I pulled myself together. “I’ve just been super worried about my father. He called me from his work phone when it was two in the morning in Carolina, asking if I was okay, and then he called me by a childhood nickname that he hasn’t used in years, and really only ever used when something was wrong -” I shook my head, unsure of where I was going with this, and sure that it sounded a lot less serious than it felt to me “- and I know it sounds stupid, but trust me, it’s not a good sign.”

My throat was tightening up again, but I was nowhere near done explaining all my current thoughts and fears. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath, my chest and shoulders shaking with the effort. “And when I finally stop worrying long enough to fall asleep, I keep having this dream -” I cut myself off with another shaky breath, cursing how weak I must have looked. I was better than this. So much better than this.

What was going on with me?

Arin turned away from the fridge to face me, his hands empty. “Have you talked to him again?”

“I haven’t had the time,” I answered, looking down at my feet as I shook my head, “which sounds horrible, I know.”

“Well, it’s about six right now in Carolina, right?” He asked, glancing at his watch.

I took a look at my own watch before I replied, shaking my head as I read the time. “Five-thirty.”

“What time is he usually up?”

I knew the answer without even thinking about it. Early. He was just as bad as me when it came to sleeping in, which was another reason his late-night phone call had been so strange to me. Had he just not slept that night? It seemed impossible - my mother would have had a fit if he had stayed overnight at the lab, and yet, there really wasn’t any other plausible explanation.

“School’s in session, which means he’s probably already driving to work,” I explained, my voice still shaky as I looked back down at the ground, “so I’d have to call the work phone, which I am not going to do.”

“Evalin.” He sounded so far away, even though he was right in front of me. “If it’s bothering you that much you should reach out. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

I grabbed the edge of the counter with one hand, my watch clattering against the surface as I did. Taking another breath in an attempt to steady myself, I replied, “No, it’s not calling him that I’m worried about, it’s just who else could answer that phone. It’s -” I shook my head, feeling my throat close up again as I lifted my head upwards to meet Arin’s gaze. It’s someone who I can’t believe I ever called a friend. It’s Lukas, his lips on mine, his hand on my chest.

“There’s certain people I just couldn’t handle talking to right now,” I finished, swallowing as I looked down again, the sensation of fingers trailing across my skin vivid enough that if I closed my eyes and reopened them, only to find that I was in the backseat of June’s car, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

I needed help. I needed to talk about it. I needed to stop thinking about it.

When I looked up again, Arin was frowning and nodding. “Do you want me to call?”

“You’d do that?” I furrowed my brows, shaking my hair out with my fingers. Even if he was serious, was it worth it? What would I even say to my father, and how would he react if he picked up the phone and Arin was on the other end of the line? There were other possibilities too - Proctor could pick up, or even Lukas himself. It was also possible that another intern or professor could pick up the phone, only to hear the prince on the other end of the line. I could already hear the gossip the lab rumor mill would be churning out if that happened. The prince called Dr. Berg because he’s going to pick Evalin. No, the prince called Dr. Berg to let him know that Evalin will be sent home soon. No, the prince called Dr. Berg as a background check on Evalin.

“Of course I would,” Arin answered with a nod, as if I was foolish for thinking otherwise. “Only if you want me to, though.”

I offered him a small smile, drumming my fingers along the countertop as I looked down at my phone. It probably couldn’t hurt to at least try, and see what would happen. “Yeah,” I finally decided, my voice quiet as I unlocked my phone, looking back up at him. “Okay. Thank you. I should have the number saved.”

“Dad, I assume?” He asked as he took the phone, looking at me expectantly.

“Father,” I corrected. “I pulled it up. Thank you, again.”

After blinking once, he nodded, taking my phone and pressing the call button. “Of course.”

He was silent for a while, listening to what I assumed was the phone ringing, and then, with any luck, somebody picking up. After what felt like an eternity, he cleared his throat. “I’d like to speak with Mr. Berg.”

I was about to correct him, and say, “Dr. Berg,” when he shot me a look of confusion. I narrowed my eyes at him in response. What does that mean? Who picked up the phone? What had they said? I hadn’t anticipated just how frustrating it would be to hear only half of the conversation.

Whoever was on the other end of the line replied, the response prompting Arin to raise his eyebrows. “Actually, I asked Evalin to let me borrow her phone so I could speak with her father. I wanted to touch base with him about his upcoming visit to the palace since I’m really looking forward to meeting him.”

I had to give him credit where credit was due - it was a pretty convincing lie. He almost had me fooled.

Looking over at me, he mouthed, “Who is this?”

I furrowed my brows, running over my options in my mind. Clearly, it wasn’t my father. It likely wasn’t Proctor either, since she wouldn’t have cared why he was using my phone. She likely wouldn’t have even picked up if she saw my number pop up on the caller ID. The majority of the interns in the lab wouldn’t know my number on sight - I was sure of that much - so that left one person. My eyes went wide, and I felt the color drain from my face as I came to the realization. Thank God I hadn’t been the one to make the call.

“Lukas,” I mouthed back before looking down at my feet once more. He must have had the morning shift today. I wondered what kind of project Proctor had him working on. Was it further research on our cancer experiment? Would he now get credit for my idea? It was all I could do to keep myself from being sick right then and there as the thought ran through my mind. I leaned against the counter, fully relying on it to keep me upright as my mind spiraled down the newly opened rabbit hole, the scenario growing worse and worse by the second.

Lukas would get credit for my idea. Arin wouldn’t like me after I told him about how stupid I had been that night in the car. He’d send me packing. I wouldn’t be able to find work because of Proctor. I’d be stuck on the streets, living out the rest of my loveless days as an Eight, a cautionary tail of what not to do when you were a Selected.

Arin’s eyes narrowed at whatever Lukas had come back at him with. “Actually, it’s all been arranged with the Dean. It’s a surprise for Ev and her family, so this would be the first time he’s hearing of it, but no message is needed. I’ll get his direct number from her.”

There was another pause as Lukas responded again. Then, “I didn’t start with that because I don’t believe it pertains to you. This is between me, Ev, and her family, so nothing else is needed from you.”

Just like that, it was over. Arin blinked once, holding my phone out to me. “Can I say something?”

The world slowly stopped spinning as I reached out for my phone, placing it on the countertop behind me. I nodded as I looked up at him, searching his face for any clue as to what might have been said in that conversation. What had Lukas told him? Arin didn’t seem upset, or angry, so it couldn’t have been that bad. I felt my heartbeat slow back to something closer to normal, my breathing easier than before.

Arin paused, and then nodded. “He seems like a twat.”

I let out a laugh, the sound shaky and airy, lacking substance, as I shook my head. “You have no idea.” A few weeks ago, I would have said that he was right on the money. Lukas had been a twat for consistently calling me, trying to make me worry, attempting to persuade me to return home, and making me question why I was even here in the first place. Friends were supposed to be supportive, and he had been anything but. It had taken me a painfully long time to realize that, though, and now, it just felt too little, too late.

“How well do you know him?” Arin asked with a grimace.

“We -” I cut myself off, swallowing my original answer. We’ve been friends since we were lab partners freshman year. Had we ever been friends, really? I had offered him my time, my stories, my advice, my support, all while he had apparently been lusting after me. I wasn’t an expert at friendship - I had never claimed to be - but I had a sinking feeling that true friendship felt nothing like what we had had.

The worst part was, I had cared about him, as a friend. I worried when he looked distressed after talking to his family, I felt sympathy for him when he opened up about his life story, I had been willing to give him an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on if he decided that he needed it, and what did I get in return? He had pressed me for details about my life that I hadn’t been ready to share, and had always insisted that he knew the proper solutions to my problems. Even looking back on his reaction when he discovered that I had signed up for the Selection, it seemed like he had had my life planned out for me, before I ever did, and that it was apparently bold of me to have had the audacity to throw a wrench in his version of my ideal life. He had my future mapped out, without my input, without my say. What kind of friend did that?

I cleared my throat, shaking my head as I looked down at the floor once more. “I thought we were friends, but I don’t think he thought the line was drawn at friends.” My voice was little more than a whisper. His lips on mine. His fingers on my chest. Had I elected to block that memory out, not wanting it to have been real? That seemed like a plausible explanation. What other memories had I blocked out, forcing myself to forget in order to keep my illusionary delusion of a happy life together? How long had this been going on? My mind had always been the one thing I could trust, that I could rely on, but now, I wasn’t even sure of that.

My world was ripping apart at the seams, and I couldn’t sew it back together fast enough. I let go of the counter, intent on tucking some of my hair behind my ear, but was unable to keep my hand from shaking as I did.

“Evalin?”

I looked back up at the sound of his voice, softer now than it had been before. He hadn’t moved from where he stood, but even from here, as I felt tears begin to form and blur my vision, I could see the concern in his eyes.

“I…” I trailed off, knowing I should open up, but unsure of where to even begin, or how he’d react when I did. I had to stay calm, and keep my wits about me. “I started having this dream recently - often - and sometimes I swear I remember it, but it’s like I’m watching it unfold.” I opened my mouth to continue, but no words came out. Instead, the only sound was a raspy breath, the air barely passing into my lungs as I choked up again.

I turned my head towards the ceiling, willing my eyes to stop tearing up. I would not cry. I could not cry.

I sensed him stepping around the island, moving closer to me, but making no move to touch me. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m here for you.”

It’s okay.

It was so far from okay.

“I -” My voice cracked as I lowered my head to look at him, gravity pulling the first tear out of my eye for me, so I didn’t have to let it go myself. “I don’t know why I didn’t remember.”

I was crying. I knew I was crying. I hated it. I needed to stop. Shaking my head, I removed my glasses, using the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe my eyes. I didn’t do this. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

“I mean, I was seriously fucked up that night -” I attempted to explain, “- like capital “B” bad, and we were driving home and had to stop for gas, which was weird, but I didn’t question it, and my other friend had to go inside to pay.”

I shook my head again, taking another deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Why hadn’t I questioned it? I should have questioned it.

“And he just started kissing me,” I continued, the words pouring out of my mouth before I could even think about them. “And I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything.”

There was no stopping the tears from coming anymore. I locked eyes with Arin, rooted in my spot. “I’m sorry, I know this is a lot, I just - I don’t know why I didn’t remember, or why it’s only coming back now.”

He swallowed, but made no move to come closer. “Can I hug you? Are you okay with that?”

His response caught me off guard, but I nodded, looking down. “Yes.” At least my voice hadn’t cracked this time. I’d leave here with a shred of my dignity in tact.

Before I could look up again, he had stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me. I couldn’t speak, the only thoughts going through my mind pertaining to the memory being in that backseat, the feeling of the cold window against my forehead when it was over, and of somebody else’s arm wrapped around me as I was led up a flight of stairs.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said softly. “I’ve got you.”

I allowed myself to sink into his embrace, his touch firm, assuring me he wasn’t going anywhere, and yet still gentle, as if he was afraid I might shatter if he held on too tightly. I couldn’t remember when I had last cried in front of someone like this, or had been held in this kind of way. Time slipped away as we stood there, him rocking back and forth, and me just crying into his shoulder, completely incapable of any other action, with the exception of one mumbled, “Thank you.”

It could have been minutes or hours before my tears finally started to slow, and I picked my head up, wiping away some of the last few. “Thank you. I -” I cut myself off with a shake of my head, already knowing he would tell me not to apologize. “Thank you.”

“No thanks are needed. I’m here for you, I hope you know that,” he insisted, slowly reaching up towards my face with one hand, wiping away some stray tears from my eye with his thumb. The gesture was so simple, and yet he was so careful about it, his eyes never leaving mine. Something inside my chest broke, and then started putting itself back together again.

I could only nod, taking another deep breath, my chest and shoulders still shaking with the effort. “I really appreciate that.”

He nodded back, and then frowned. “Is there anything I can do?”

“I’m really not sure,” I admitted, biting my lip as I shook my head, my voice still quiet, as if I lacked the strength it would take to speak at a normal volume. “Just you being here - having someone to talk to - was good, though.”

“Okay.” He nodded again before letting go, taking a step back away from me, his face becoming blurry in my vision.

My glasses. I took a step backwards as well, feeling the counter against my back as I reached my hand behind me, feeling around for the frames. After a few blind pats, I felt them. Picking them up, I slowly slid them back on to my face, blinking as the world came back into focus. There was Arin, a stain from my tears on his shoulder, his face filled with a blend of caution and concern. He deserved better from me than this. I was stronger than this. I handled my problems on my own. I didn’t fall apart in kitchens, or cry in front of other people.

Except I just had, and I felt much less burdened than I had when I had first walked in here, in the pursuit of coffee.

“I wish I could give you more of an answer, but…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I really just don’t have one, right now. At this point, I think the best thing I could do would just be to figure out some way I can sleep, so I can think straight, and then go from there.”

“Of course.” He swallowed, nodding again as he stepped away towards the pantry, coming back with a box of tea. “Have you tried this?”

One look at the box told me that I never had. “No,” I answered, shaking my head. “I haven’t. What is it?”

“It’s tea that’s supposed to help you sleep,” he answered, putting the box down on the other end of the counter, and then sliding it towards me.

I grabbed the box, taking a close look at what it was. SleepyTime Extra. A fitting name, I hoped. A quick glance at the label and some writing on the box revealed that the active ingredients were chamomile, tilia flowers, and valerian root, which would make sense. There were numerous studies that showed that valerian root helped with falling asleep, and even improved the quality of sleep. Some studies even suggested that it helped alleviate anxiety, though there was less evidence for that than there was for its use as a sleep aid. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. “Thank you,” I replied, still reading over the labels for more information.

I looked at my watch, wincing as I saw how late it was, and set the box back on the counter, keeping one hand on it as I looked up at Arin. “I think I’ll have to give it a try tomorrow night. I normally wake up soon, anyway, and I don’t want to throw off my schedule, or miss anything.” I bit my lip, knowing full well I needed sleep, but also that I shouldn’t skirk any of my responsibilities. I also didn’t want to skip my morning run. Running was the one time I didn’t have to think, my body going on autopilot as I put one foot in front of the other. I was pretty sure it was the only thing that had helped me keep it together for the past few weeks.

I wished I had misread my watch. How had it gotten so late?

He swallowed once, nodding. “Okay.” His every motion and word seemed calculated - cautious even, as if he were afraid one wrong move could set off a bomb. It was a full role reversal. That was normally how I felt talking to him.

I was too tired play a guessing game with his thoughts tonight. “What is it?”

He just shook his head. “It’s nothing”

No, we were not going to do this again tonight. Not when I had opened up to him. “It really doesn’t look like it’s nothing,” I argued with a small sigh. “Please tell me?” My request came out sounding more like a question as I second guessed myself once again. Was this pushing too far, prying for information he’d rather keep private?

There was a glimmer of hesitation in his eyes as he took a deep breath. “I just want to make sure you’re comfortable, and that I don’t cross any boundaries.”

Oh. I couldn’t do anything other than look at him as I thought back to our previous interactions, trying to figure out what he had even done that might make him think he had crossed any lines. Our kiss, maybe? He hadn’t asked me, but I had also practically asked him to kiss me. I was pretty sure that there hadn’t been any issue with the way we had sat together on the floor of the theater, either.

I took a deep breath, shaking my head before looking at him once again. “You haven’t - at all. You always ask if things are okay, and never push for more than I’m willing to give. You’ve done nothing to make me uncomfortable.” I tried to give him a reassuring smile, but fatigue got the better of me, and I was sure it didn’t come across with as much certainty as I had intended it to.

“I hope I haven’t done anything to make you feel that way, either,” I added after a moment's thought, looking down for a moment as I cleared my throat.

He didn’t meet my eye, instead looking down at the box of tea. “I just don’t want to do anything wrong.”

For the second time that night, I felt my heart break in two. I took a few steps towards his, reaching for his hand, to give it a squeeze. “You haven’t.” At all. Please, don’t think you have.

His gaze shifted to our hands then, his caution, his reservation, evident in his face. “Will you make sure to tell me if I do?”

“Yes,” I answered immediately, squeezing his hand another time as I flashed him a soft smile.

He nodded, looking up at me, a soft smile flashing across his face for a sliver of a second.  “Thank you, Evalin.”

Thank me? No. That was wrong. I should be thanking him - for being here, for caring, for offering to do better - for everything.

With that, he glanced around, taking a deep breath. Our hands. Was the contact making him uncomfortable, after everything I had said? I let go, tucking some hair behind my ear instead. With a week smile, I grabbed the box of tea in my other hand, unsure of what to say to make him more comfortable. Maybe he just needed time to himself, to think, to process. I could understand that.

I didn’t want to be alone, and yet, he might need to be. “I don’t want to keep you up longer than you have to be.” He was a human, who needed sleep as well, and if he was lucky, he might be able to get some tonight. I sure wasn’t going to.

“Oh.” He blinked once, appearing to be taken aback, his eyes drifting to the box of tea. With a nod, he offered, “I can go if you want.”

I furrowed my brows. I had been offering to leave, not asking him to leave. He hadn’t even gotten whatever he had come here for out of the fridge. “No, that’s fine, I can go.” Or, maybe he wanted to leave. “I mean, whatever you want to do!”

“I don’t need anything, and you were here first,” he insisted, shaking his head. “I can leave you in peace.”

“I-“ I bit my lip, trying to organize my thoughts into a coherent sentence. I wouldn’t be at peace if he left. If anything, I wanted someone here, with me,  more than I wanted anything else, right now. It was nice, not being alone. “Why do all of our conversations seem to end like this?” With me, unable to voice my true thoughts, and you, misunderstanding? Or, maybe I was the one doing the misunderstanding. I shook my head before looking up towards the ceiling.

He hesitated for a moment. Then, “Do they?”

Had he seriously never noticed? I looked back at him, nodding, not shocked to see the surprised expression on his face. “It’s like, towards the end of every conversation, we just both get so awkward. Is it something I’m saying or doing? What’s causing it?”

He grimaced. “I don’t know what it is. Is it something I’m doing- in your opinion, I mean?”

“No, not that I can see. It just feels like there’s always some - I don’t know, miscommunication? I don’t know.” I shook my head. “Maybe I’m imagining it.”

He swallowed and the shrugged again, the gesture smaller this time. “Maybe there is, but I’m not sure I’d be able to pinpoint the cause for you.”

“Right, sorry, I -“ I shot him an apologetic smile, and then shook my head, swallowing once. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

I held his gaze, though my voice was quieter when I spoke. “I didn’t mean to put you in an uncomfortable position, is all.” I just wanted company. I just wanted to talk to you.

“Well, calling things awkward doesn’t exactly help.”

“God, you’re right.” I couldn’t help but wince. “I’m sorry, I…” I trailed off, shaking my head as I tried to locate my train of thought. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Evalin, really -“ he grimaced again “- there’s no need to apologize. It’s fine.”

How could he even say that, after admitting that I had made him uncomfortable? After I had called him awkward? Maybe I should have just let him leave.

“Is it? Really?”

“You don’t think it is?” he asked, gripping the counter in his hands.

I sighed, flashing him a small smile. “Here we go again.” It was like the ball all over again. My note to him weighed heavy in my sweatshirt pocket, my illegible writing likely more understandable than anything we were saying now. I reached my fingers under my glasses to rub one of my eyes, wondering if I should just bite the bullet and show the letter to him.

He simply raised his eyebrows. “Well, then tell me what you want?”

“I never know how to answer that,” I admitted, still smiling as I shook my head at myself. The question itself was kind of vague - I could never tell if he meant right now, in the moment, or if he meant long term. I had guessed long term twice now, in the past, and neither had gone particularly well, so maybe he did mean currently. It was worth a shot. It wasn’t like the situation could get much more uncomfortable than it already was. “Right now? Honestly? Not being alone is nice. Still, though, I don’t want to keep you awake.”

“I’m not going to sleep any time soon,” he stated. “So if you want me to stay, then I can.”

“Stay, then, please.” My voice was painfully quiet to my ears. I thought back to our time at the ballet, and how it had felt to lean my head on his shoulder, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as we sat nestled side by side, our hands clasped together. That. I wanted that. It seemed like too much to ask him for, though, judging by the way he had reacted to just our hands touching.

He nodded, leaning back against the counter. “Okay then, I’ll stay.” A moment passed, and then he hoisted himself up over the edge, so that he was seated on the countertop, his feet dangling over the edge.

I watched him for a moment, unsure of what to do next. It was too much to ask, to lean my head on his shoulder, but we could still sit side-by-side without touching. So I followed his example, looking down at my feet once I was seated. The last time I had sat on a counter, I had been a toddler. I had stepped on a bee in our front yard, and my father had to pull out the stinger with a pair of tweezers. He had set me down on the counter while he ran to the bathroom to get the first aid kit, and I had simply watched him, not even crying as I wriggled my legs back and forth, banging them against the cabinets. What would he say, if he could see me now, now that I knew all that I had done wrong? Would he be upset? Sad? Angry? Still proud, somehow?

I looked over at Arin. “Were you serious when you mentioned family coming to visit next week?”

“I was,” he answered with a nod. “You were going to find out in the next few days anyway.”

My family was coming here, to the palace. I was going to see them, for the first time in months. I would have been beaming, if I had had the energy. “That might just be the happiest news I’ve gotten, recently.”

He smiled, his eyes a bit distant as he nodded. “I’m glad you’re excited.”

I nodded along, my smile falling a bit as I took in his expression. “It’ll be nice to see them - for me, at least.” A flicker of a smirk crossed my face as I imagine how him meeting them might go. If my whole family was coming, I knew Lydia and Gabriel especially would show him no mercy. Even my father would likely be hard on him, though not intentionally. My mother would likely be the one to keep the peace, as she often did, her upbringing too rooted in politeness and manners for her to do anything but, most of the time.

He smiled back, the expression soft. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, looking down at my feet again as I continued to imagine the chaos my siblings would no doubt unleash if they were invited. “It’s going to be good to catch up with them. Is it just parents, or siblings too?”

“Everyone who can make it,” he answered, his own smile growing now.

He looked so thrilled about the idea, that I almost laughed at him. “You really have no clue what you’re in for, then.”

“Believe it or not I’m actually fairly decent in social situations,” he replied, shrugging.

“Oh, it’s not you I’m worried about. My family…” I trailed off, shaking my head as memories of my siblings’ antics flashed through my mind, absentmindedly swinging my right leg back and forth a bit, taking care not to hit the cabinets with my heel. “We’re all just very close, and a tad protective of each other, even if we will tease each other into oblivion.”

“That's fine,” he insisted. “I’m sure I can handle anything thrown at me.”

He had another storm coming if he truly believed that. Maybe he was right, though. There was always a chance that my siblings would listen to our mother, and behave themselves. Alternatively, they could come at him full force, and he could just take it, and be okay. Or, would he fight back? That could get ugly.

I let out a single laugh, covering my mouth with my hand as it turned into a yawn. “Imagine four Ayeshas. That’s your most likely scenario.”

“And I’ll manage it,” he repeated, shrugging again. “Trust me. I know my limits.”

I had no doubt that he did, but would my my siblings - again, Lydia and Gabriel in particular - have any regard for them? I wasn’t sure. What did that mean for them, then, if things went south? Would they simply be asked to leave, or were there other consequences? Would Arin stoop so low as to take out any frustration he had with them on me? I didn’t think so, but I wasn’t about to put anything past him.

I nodded, still a bit lost in thought. “They’re good people, honestly, we just place a lot of value in family, and putting them first.” My voice was quieter now, my tone entirely serious. At least he couldn’t say I didn’t warn him. I looked down, wondering what it would take to get my point through his thick skull. Clearly, arguing with him wasn’t the answer. So, I looked back up at him, forcing myself to offer him a small smile.

He won’t punish them for caring about you. He has to understand the kind of bond siblings have. He was an oldest brother himself, after all.

“Well, that’s good to know, but really -” he looked over at me again “- I’ve had years of practice, and believe it or not I’ve met families before.”

“Right, of course.” He’d been engaged before, for crying out loud, and interacted with powerful officials from Illéa and abroad almost every day. There shouldn’t be anything my siblings could say that would get to him, and yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the calm before the storm. I shook my head. “I don’t know why I’m so worried.”

“It’s natural,” he assured me, chuckling as he looked away again.

“I think you would’ve been entertained by how nervous I was the first time I met your mother. Though, she did catch Jen and I off guard.” I smiled at the memory, both at myself for being terrified for no reason, and at the kindness Mélanie had shown Jen and I. To think, it had been completely by chance that I had ended up in the kitchens that evening. If Lukas hadn’t called me…

Lukas. My smile faltered.

Arin raised his eyebrows. “What happened?”

“I had wandered in on Jen making cookies while I had been on the phone with Lukas -” my voice was quiet, my smile completely gone as I thought of his name, his face, his words “ - before I really realized -” his lips on my lips, his fingers on my chest “ - back when he was just a twat.”

I had to stop making this about him. This story wasn’t about him. I shook my head, as if the very motion itself would shake him right out of my brain. Goodbye, Lukas.

“Then your mother walked in for wine, and ended up pouring us glasses, which I think caught both Jen and I by surprise. It -” I paused, trying to figure out how to best describe the experience of drinking wine and talking with Mélanie “- was nice, though. She’s nice. Though, I think she might have been annoyed by how skittish Jen and I were.” I flashed him a small smile, hoping the gesture would serve as proof that I didn’t dislike his mother in the slightest.

“Then my father called, and I left,” I concluded. “It was an eventful evening.”

“Oh,” was all he said at first, a look of embarrassment making its home on his face. “I hope she didn’t scare you too much. She can be a lot.”

“No!” I shook my head, giving him a smile that was as reassuring as I could manage. His mother had been lovely. If only I had relaxed sooner when speaking to her, then maybe the evening would have gone more smoothly for all parties involved. “No, I think I was definitely more nervous than was warranted. She was really nice.”

“She has her moments,” he offered, going silent for a moment before adding, “and I’m sure you’ll get to meet Amma in a few weeks when she’s home.”

“Amma?” I tilted my head to the side a bit, smiling as I asked the question.

He nodded. “The Queen. She’ll be home in a couple weeks.”

Queen Anjali would be back in the palace, and soon - potentially even around my upcoming birthday, not that that mattered. I hadn’t heard of anyone meeting her before she had left for her world tour. I supposed we’d be the lucky few, to get to meet her now.

“Oh,” I responded, straightening my back a bit. “What’s she like?”

“She’s busy,” he answered, raising his eyebrows, “and you might actually want to hold off on meeting her if my mom scared you.”

“She didn’t scare me,” I argued, thinking back to how I had even told his mother as much. She wasn’t scary. That wasn’t the right word for it. She had been an unknown, and a parent, that deserved respect as such. I didn’t imagine she’d care to share wine with two of her son’s potential girlfriends, who had practically invaded her home, and more specifically, her kitchen.

“I think it was more that I didn’t know what to expect. So, thanks for the warning, I guess?”  I laughed, but the sound was hollow and tinny to my ears. Nervous. A reaction that Arin himself had kind of validated. Yet, if he wasn’t worried about meeting my family, I was willing to attempt to suspend judgement and do my best stop being intimidated by his. “Busy, though, I can imagine.”

“Very busy,” he echoed with a nod, “but not all of the reasons are bad. We’ll have a Halloween party in the next few weeks, and I’m looking forward to that.”

I wanted nothing more than to be blissfully excited at the thought of a halloween party, and yet, I hesitated. Would I even be around to see it? Arin had narrowed the Elite down to eight instead of ten. More girls were being sent home, faster than I anticipated. The clock was ticking, and if Arin didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about him, then my time was almost up. I began to do the mental math. He had sent home two girls about every two to three weeks. Assuming he kept with the tradition of a final three, and assuming that I even made it that far - and both of those were pretty hefty assumptions - that gave me until about mid-November to win his heart. I hated thinking of it that way, but when it came down to it, that was the truth of the matter. I was here to compete for and hopefully win his love.

“That sounds like fun,” I replied, swallowing my questions and concerns. “Was Halloween a big celebration for you all?”

He just shrugged. “I mean we used to go trick or treating but we don’t usually have celebrations this big. It’s just for the Selection.”

I smiled a little, remembering what Halloween had been like for me as a kid, running around my neighborhood in a bedsheet and calling myself a ghost. “Did you go into the city to trick or treat?”

“No,” he answered, shaking his head, “we would go to my grandparent’s neighborhood. It’s about half and hour away.”

“That must have been fun - all costumed up, and everything.” I turned my head slightly to get a better view of him, grinning at the image of a little Arin running around in a Halloween costume. I wondered what he had gone as, when he was younger. The costumes must have been amazing, coming from the palace, after all.

“It was,” he admitted with a nod, “but I’m sure the party will be just as fun.”

“Oh, for sure. I suppose I’ll actually have to think up a Halloween costume this year.” Assuming you don’t send me home before then. If this conversation was any indication of how interested he was in keeping me around, my chances weren’t looking too hot. He sounded like he was talking to someone he’d rather not be in a conversation with, but didn’t want to be rude to.

Once again, he shrugged. “It’s not a big deal or anything, but I’m sure you could ask your maids about it.”

Okay, he was definitely either tired, or just not in the mood for this conversation. That was fine. I appreciated the company, sure, I mean, I had literally asked him to stay with me, but I had no intention of holding him here against his will.

“Well, it gives me something different to think about,” I replied, pushing myself off the counter, turning around once I was on my feet to look at Arin again, a small smile on my face. It was late, an hour when most people were asleep. He probably just needed sleep too.

“What’s that?” He looked at me like I had just tried to explain calculus to him, his gaze wavering only when he stopped to blink a few times, his eyes refocusing on me, and the world around us.

So, just lost in thought, then. I was rather familiar with the sensation.

“What were you thinking about?” I asked, leaning forwards against the counter, my curiosity now piqued.

He cleared his throat. “I was just thinking about my grandpa.”

“You’ve mentioned him once before,” I noted, feeling my gaze soften a bit. “Were you two close?”

“Yeah, we were. I just miss him sometimes.” He nodded once, his smile fond as his eyes grew distant yet again. His grandfather must have passed away a while ago, then. Unfortunately, I knew all too well what the pain of that felt like. The image of my mother’s parents flashed before my eyes, of them smiling in their front yard, watching my siblings and I as we chased each other around with balls and sticks, allowing us to let out all of our chaotic, childish energy before returning home.

I offered him a small smile, reaching for his hand without a second thought. “What was he like?”

“Oh,” he began, looking down at our hands, now touching. I followed his gaze, wondering if he wanted me to let go, but ultimately, I decided not to. He hadn’t asked me to, or expressed discomfort with the gesture. I had never been great with words. The simple gesture of holding his hand, or squeezing, was probably more supportive than anything else I could have offered him.

“He was great, from what I remember. He’d rarely ever raise his voice. And he was a fantastic storyteller.”

I paused for a moment, considering the mention of him never raising his voice, wondering if that was a common trend from other people in Arin’s life. I dropped that train of thought, though, in favor of something lighter. “A storyteller?”

Arin nodded. “Yeah, he’d make up all sorts of stories and tell them to us before bed sometimes - actually any time, if you were willing to listen. I think he’d have made an excellent writer, if he’d have had the chance.”

I furrowed my brows as I looked at him, my words slow, cautious, as they left my mouth. “Why didn’t he have the chance?”

“Oh, well he was a politician, so that would have been below his caste, but he also just never had the time, and when he did…” He trailed off then, taking a deep breath.

That was enough. I wouldn’t push him for anything further. One person crying in this kitchen tonight had been enough for the both of us, I was pretty sure. Instead, I squeezed his hand, unsure of how else to convey that I was there for him, and glad he had finally opened up to me a bit, at the same time. “He sounds like a really great man, and his stories still live on - in you, and in anyone else who heard them.” It sounded cheesy, but it felt like the right thing to say.

“I hope so,” he replied with a nod, turning to face me and give me a small smile. “One day, I hope to be just a fraction as good as he was.”

I came to the conclusion then that Arin couldn’t see how good he, himself already was. A bad person wouldn’t have stayed with me, wouldn’t have held me while I cried, wouldn’t have asked me if I was okay with even the slightest touch. Arin had helped me find solutions to my problems, had sat through an entire ballet to make me happy - none of those added up to him being a bad person. Had he made mistakes? Yes. Was he perfect? No - who was? He didn’t need to be perfect to be good. That was a lesson I had spent most of my own teenage years learning for myself. Perfection was impossible, but you could still be good.

I felt my smile melt into something softer. “Obviously, I never met him, but I have met quite a few people these past almost-twenty-one years, and I can confidently say you’re one of the good ones.”

He just snorted. “How long has it been since you’ve slept?”

“I think I’ve gotten fifteen hours total this week,” I answered, grimacing at my own response before looking back up at him, my expression now dead serious, “but I meant what I said.”

“Ev -” concern shone in his eyes “- you really should sleep.”

“I know.” I sighed, my shoulders sagging under the weight of the admission. My body was so tired, but my mind was only just waking up. “Believe me, it’s not for lack of trying.”

His eyes darted to the forgotten box of tea on the countertop. “Why don’t I make you some tea and then walk you to your room?”

The offer was tempting, and rather sweet, but a quick glance at my watch had me rethinking accepting it. I usually started my mornings pretty early, and my routine was the one thing that I had going for me right now, that kept me together when everything else got crazy. He was right though, and I knew that. I should sleep. I bit my lip, still unsure as I asked, “How strong is the tea?”

He looked down at the box, biting his lip as well. “I’ve never actually tried it,” he admitted.

Hypocrite. He’d tell me to do whatever it took to get some sleep, but wouldn’t do the same for himself. I furrowed my brows, getting the feeling that this tea had been bought with the express purpose to be used by him, and yet, he had never touched it, apparently.

That was none of my business, though, nor was it the problem at hand. “I just don’t want to accidentally oversleep,” I replied kind of sheepishly, my voice quiet as I lifted my eyes to meet his.

“Something tells me it’ll be okay if you do,” he assured me, shooting me a soft smile, “and if not, then whoever has a problem with it can take it up with me.”

I cast another look at the box. Arin would do that for me? He’d go as far to tell others to let me sleep undisturbed while there were other tasks I should be doing, and yet still had the audacity to say he wasn’t a good person?

It had to be guilt, I decided then, but about what?

I had some digging to do.

I exhaled once before lifting my head to look at him more fully. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeated back, leaving for a moment to grab a Pyrex for the water, which he filled in the sink, and then popped into the microwave.

I watched him as I leaned back against the counter, my mind running at full speed as I absentmindedly fiddled with the letter in my pocket. Had it been something that had happened with Felicity, that had made him feel like he couldn’t possibly be a good person? They still talked, though - had danced together, even. It didn’t add up. Was it something that had been going on for a long time, then? Even Hugo had said that Arin could be a difficult person, and they had known each other for quite some time.

I had never asked Arin’s other friends or family about him, or why he was the way that he was. Something about that felt wrong, almost, like I was gossiping about him behind his back. He had a right to keep things to himself, if he wanted to. Now, however, I kind of wished I had asked.

“Thank you, again,” I offered, watching the Pyrex spin in the microwave.

“No problem,” he replied, leaning against the opposite counter, looking at me with a soft smile on his face. His eyes flicked down, towards my pocket, and his expression changed to something more curious.

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What is it?”

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You’re fidgeting.”

“Oh.” I had been, I realized as I looked down at my hands. It hadn’t even registered, I was so deeply lost in thought. “I didn’t even realize, but yeah, I’m fine. Just realized I had something in my pocket I had forgotten about,” I lied, looking up and giving him a smile. I wouldn’t ask him about the guilt he carried. Not yet, at least. Another night, perhaps.

I had to get rid of this incomprehensible letter anyway. I pulled the folded up piece of paper out of my pocket, walking over to the trash bin. The apologies it contained were likely worthless, anyway. He’d never accept them - just tell me that I needed to stop apologizing.

“I wrote something down after the ball, but honestly, I can’t even read it,” I explained, shaking my head and laughing a bit to myself. “I don’t know why I kept it.”

He eyed the paper as I paused, watching as my hand hovered over the bin, ready to drop the letter in at a moments notice. “What was it?” There was no suspicion is his voice, just genuine curiosity.

“A letter, I think. Probably apologizing.” I shook my head. “Like I said, it’s completely illegible.”

“You didn’t want to mail it?” As he asked the question, the microwave beeped, and he made his way over to it, pulling out the Pyrex.

“It wouldn’t have to go that far.” Just to your room. I shook my head again, opening the lid of the trash bin, and dropping the letter in. The top closed with a satisfying thud. “Plus, again, illegible.”

This whole letter or note thing was terribly impractical. I should just ask for his phone number instead. It might save me from leaving an embarrassing written record of all of my thoughts. I never drunk texted - I was usually too wrapped up in my own thoughts, or whatever was happening around me to even think about my phone. Besides, after reliving my drunkest moments vividly each night for the past week, I wasn’t inclined to touch alcohol again anytime soon.

Setting the Pyrex down on the counter, he set his eyes on me, hesitating for just a moment before asking, “Who was it for?”

You, you idiot. Isn’t it obvious? I felt blood rushing to my cheeks, but I just shook my head, making my way across the kitchen, back to him, and the Pyrex.

His eyes lingered on me for a moment, but he didn’t ask me for more details. Instead, he walked towards the cabinet, grabbing a mug before turning back. Once he had reached the Pyrex again, he pulled a tea bag out of its wrapper, wrapping the string through the handle of the mug as he set the bag into the mug itself.

I let out a breath, glad to let the matter drop, even if I had brought it up in the first place in an effort to cover up what I had truly been thinking about. Arin would have dismissed what I had written out of hand anyway, telling me to stop apologizing - if he could even read what I had written, that was.

I looked at the mug for a moment, still unsure about the tea. If I pulled an all-nighter tonight, there was a possibility that I’d just collapse from exhaustion at the end of the day tomorrow. Wouldn’t that be better? A full night of sleep? Then I wouldn’t have to reorganize my entire day tomorrow to account for sleeping in, if I didn’t wake up after two hours again.

I turned to him, narrowing my eyes. “What were you doing up this late?”

“Same as you, I guess,” he answered, pouring hot water over the tea bag, and then pushing the mug my way. “I couldn’t sleep, so here I am.”

There was no way out of this. I had to drink the tea. I brought the mug to my lips, taking a tentative sip, keeping my eyes on him. The taste wasn’t terrible - very earthy, with a hint of sweetness - but it definitely wasn’t something I’d go out of my way to drink again. “Any reason in particular?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s just the way things are with me, but you -“ he narrowed his eyes at me “- you’re not a lost cause yet.”

Hypocrite! I raised an eyebrow, chuckling a bit before taking another sip, half tempted to force him to drink some tea, too. “‘Yet,’” I echoed.

“You’re still young, and you have time to dig yourself out of this hole,” he argued, shrugging.

Could he even hear himself, talking about his life and habits like he was a middle aged man, and I was some child who had come to him for help. It was absurd. I shook my head, rolling my eyes and smiling as I finished what was left in the mug in one go, just wanting to get it over with.

“For starters,” I began, setting the mug down on the counter, “I’m only two and a half years younger than you. As to your other point , I think I’m just used to a reverse schedule - I used to wake up before sunrise regularly, at home.” It was likely that I hadn’t been getting much more sleep before coming here than I was now, but somehow, waking up early to get work done was looked upon with approval, encouraged, even, whereas staying up late was often frowned upon. It was funny, considering the end result was the same.

“Well, all I’m saying is save yourself before you’re like me. You have two and a half years to make sure this doesn’t become your future.” He pointed at himself, as if he was the epitome of the worst thing I could possibly be two and a half years from now.

I raised an eyebrow at him, pushing the empty mug further away from me. “And what, you’re beyond hope? There’s absolutely nothing that can be done to help fix your sleep schedule?” He was being absolutely ridiculous. If I wasn’t a lost cause, neither was he.

“There’s a lot more to it than just sleeping,” he replied with a shrug, “but maybe one day I’ll be able to sort myself out.”

“You will.” Was it guilt that was making him feel like this? Perfectionism? A combination of both? There was definitely more to Arin than I was seeing right now, but I wasn’t about to pry, to push for details he might not feel comfortable sharing yet. I placed my hand on his shoulder, keeping my touch light as a feather. “I’m here, if you ever need or want to talk.”

I meant every word I said, even as I felt myself growing drowsier. Removing my hand from his shoulder, I laughed lightly to myself, a particular memory coming to mind. “I’m pretty sure I told you as much when we went roller skating.”

He immediately grimaced. “No offense, but I think that’s the last time I’m ever skating.”

“None taken.” I felt my smile soften as I pushed myself away from the counter, rinsing out my mug in the sink. Looking back at him over my shoulder, I reiterated, “My point still stands, though.”

He chuckled. “I know. Thank you for that. I appreciate it a lot.”

“Good.” My voice was soft as I gave him a small smile, my thoughts still moving at a million miles per hour despite the tea and my own pre-existing exhaustion. As if on cue, I yawned, covering my mouth with my hand as I did. I needed to think, to plan, on how to find out just what Arin had done or been like in the past, that had led him to this point. It would be easier to do that alone, at my desk, or maybe even in my bed, to give myself the illusion that I was sleeping.

I inclined my head towards the door. “Should we go?”

“That quick, huh?” He chuckled. “Maybe I need to start downing this stuff in my spare time.”

You should.

“I mean, I was already physically exhausted, I just need to shut my mind off,” I muttered, frustrated with my own mind as I shook my head.

He just blinked. “I’m glad I could help you shut your mind off then, I guess.”

I winced, realizing just how harsh my words had been. “That didn’t come out like I meant it to, sorry. I meant that I’m not awake because I’m not tired, but because a lot of the time, I get too wrapped up in my thoughts to fall asleep, if that makes sense.”

“I know, it’s fine.” Arin shook his head, eyeing the door as he did. It wasn’t fine, and I knew that. There were so many other things I could have said instead, so many better words, nicer phrases, than what I had chosen.

“You ready?” he asked.

I looked around, assessing the rest of the kitchen, before nodding. “Let me just clean up the coffee I made earlier.”

I knew technically someone would have to come around and clean it up in the next few hours, when breakfast prep started, but I didn’t intend on making extra work for anyone. My mother would have had a fit if she watched me leave a full pot of coffee on the counter. So I walked over to the pot, taking off the lid, and then pouring the contents into the sink, watching as they spiraled down the drain. It almost seemed like a waste.

I shook my head at myself. That was ridiculous. The coffee was cold, by now. It’d be awful to consume. Not that that tea Arin had made was much better. The valerian root made it smell faintly of dirty socks, and it tasted like twigs and rain water. I didn’t even think it was doing anything for my mind, except making me feel like I was mildly hungover.

I rinsed out the pot, drying it with a towel that someone had left on the counter, before returning the pot to the coffee maker, and turning to look at Arin. He was standing by the door, watching me, his expression a mix of confusion and something that looked almost thankful. “Oh.”

I shook my head as I walked across the kitchen towards him, chuckling. “What? I wasn’t just going to leave it! I can hear my mother getting on me about that already.” My mother, who’d be here next week. What would she think of Arin? Would she see him as a Prince Charming, or would she see through the facade, and see the well-intentioned, but troubled person underneath? My father often liked to share how she had called him a Three with a savior complex when he had first asked her out. I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d read Arin similarly.

“Evalin!” I mimicked my mother’s voice, accent and all. “We didn’t raise you in a barn! Clean up your messes!” I’d heard that exact line too many times to count, I realized, laughing a little at the memories of flour coating the kitchen, or pine bristles littering the living room floor. Still smiling, I sighed, readying myself to hear similar lines from her in the upcoming week. She’d have plenty, especially given the company, I was sure.

“Well, with my mom it used to be quite the opposite.” He chuckled. “Too much cleaning on my part.”

That made a lot of sense, given how particular he had been about the way he had placed the books I’d given him, and the book he had had when we kissed in the library, on the desk and table respectively, lining up the edges both times. Looking back on it, I couldn’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with the deeper issues he had alluded to earlier.

I was thinking too far into this. Shaking my head, I replied, “I’d like to think I’m tidy and organized, but my mother always seemed to walk into the kitchen right as I had made a mess, before I could clean it.”

It was true, I thought. My desk, my books, and my notes, especially, were all organized and color-coded, lined up in alphabetical order. I didn’t think well in messes. A cluttered house led to a cluttered mind. Even my room here was tidy, my books all lined up on my desk, against the wall, the rest of the space bare save for a single vase of daffodils and my laptop.

“My mother always seems to be the one making the messes,” he responded, heading towards the door.

“You balance each other out, then.” I smiled, inclining my head to the side a bit as I followed after him, taking a few larger strides to make up the distance between us. “I always used to organize my father’s books, in his study, when I was little. He used to just leave them everywhere -“ I shook my head, chuckling as I remembered the mess of books and papers that usually littered his desk “- and it made me feel important, like I was his assistant.”

“A brave man,” Arin notes as he walked out into the hall. “I’ve never been the biggest fan of people touching my stuff.”

I followed him out, taking up a spot at his side as we walked, still thinking about my family. “That's one way to put it, though I think my grandfather referred to him as, ‘a fool who loves his children too much,’ instead.”

It wasn’t as if my grandfather didn’t love us, or my father, either. He took us sailing and swimming every summer for the first fourteen years of my life, keeping us all with him and my grandmother in their little cabin in Tromsø. Us kids would get into so much trouble, those days. The sun didn’t set that far north in the summer, so there was seemingly no end to the amount of havoc we could cause, or antics we could pull. We only slept when we were physically too tired to stay awake. We’d push each other off my grandfather’s boat, ask him to stop on the side of the road so we could look at the goats - the possibilities each given day were endless.

I really wished the recent conflict with Swendway didn’t exist.

To my side, Arin sucked in a breath, sharply. “I’m not sure I could ever love any child that much.”

I looked at him with a soft smile, not entirely sure how to respond to that. Was he trying to have a talk about wanting children with me? We weren’t anywhere near that point. He was still technically dating seven other girls.

Unless this was his way of narrowing down his dating pool?

“Everybody has limits, I think, they’re just different for different people,” I decided aloud. “My father loved us a lot, but there were still certain lines we couldn’t cross. The attic was completely off limits to us kids, for instance, and he wouldn’t answer a lot of questions about his childhood, and there were times he’d lock us out of his study. He didn’t do any of that because he loved us any less. He’s simply still a person with his own feelings, concerns, comfort zones, and needs for privacy, with or without children in the picture.” I concluded with a small shrug, hoping my response might do something to assuage his worries about parenthood.

He looked pensive as we continued to walk, the hallways practically empty at this hour. “Maybe, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be that man. I know it’s expected, but I can’t really see it.”

I hadn’t considered it like that. Sure, I had always pictured having children in the future, but it was always a choice. I could choose - and likely would choose, if I was being completely honest with myself - to work, and not have children. Arin, however, didn’t have that luxury. He’d have to provide an heir.

As would his wife.

“You’ve got time yet,” I assured him. There shouldn’t be any rush - on him, or his wife, whoever that would end up being. We were all young - anywhere between nineteen and twenty-four. Time was in our favor, as Mélanie had said. “A lot can change in a few years.”

“I guess.” He pursed his lips. “Yeah.”

He had to become a father, and he thought he would be a bad one. I didn’t envy his situation, even as I continued to rationalize it in my mind. I felt my gaze soften as I looked at him, my voice quieter when I spoke again. “I think that the fact that you’re even worried about it means that you wouldn’t be the worst father out there.”

“Well, that’s good to hear considering I don’t have much choice in the matter.” He stopped at the foot of the stairs, looking up towards the top, as if there may the answers to the many challenges he faced.

“Arin,” I started, stopping beside him, and looking at him out of the corner of my eye. I’d have to be careful in choosing my next words. Walking barefoot, avoiding shards of glass. I could do that. “What would your ideal future look like, if you had a choice?”

“Maybe I’d be a professor or something like that,” he answered, still looking towards the top of the stairs. “I don’t know.”

“I could see that, actually,” I answered honestly. It was almost too easy to picture him at the front of a lecture hall, talking passionately about a topic related to history, or maybe politics. I grabbed his hand, giving him another soft smile, about to tell him just that, before I stopped myself. It was better left alone. He already had said that he didn’t like to consider hypothetical scenarios, if they weren’t realistic.

“Thank you,” he replied, squeezing my hand, “even if we both know that wouldn’t happen.”

“What would you teach?” The question left my mouth before I could stop myself. I stiffened, knowing I had fucked this up again. He was going to get so upset.

Arin shrugged. “I don’t know, and I don’t want to think too much about it because I won’t be able to do it.”

“No, that makes sense.” I looked down, my smile falling. I paused, debating what to say, if there was anything I could say to make this better, but instead, I just started thinking out loud. “Growing up - especially with my father being a biology professor - all I ever thought I would do was biology. I didn’t even question it, to be honest. Now, though, seeing that there are other things out there -“ I shook my head “- I don’t really have a plan, and I’m used to planning my life down to the second.”

“And now?” He glanced over at me.

I shrugged, still looking down at that bottom step. “Like I said, I have no plan.” I hesitated, taking a breath before continuing. “I mentioned it before, I think, but I had a pretty big falling out with the professor that I used to work under, and it ended in her more or less saying that she’d put in a negative review of me at every biology-related job I applied to in the future. I don’t doubt her, either. She’s very well known and respected in the field. So, I’m not sure yet.” I looked over at him, shrugging, though the motion was almost minute. I wasn’t ready to tell him about my applications to the Swendish universities, even though that was my most likely backup plan at this point. Something told me that the idea wouldn’t go over well with him.

“Did you speak with the dean like I suggested?”

“I sent an email, but got no response,” I answered, shaking my head. “So, I’ll just have to make up my biochem lab some other time.” I did my best to offer him a smile, but my mouth ended up in more of a straight line. When was, “some other time”? Would there even be another opportunity for me to finish my degree, if I ended up winning this? Surely there must be - Arin himself had completed college, after all. I’d likely just have to finish my degree at Angeles University then.

“Oh, well, I’m sorry. Maybe you could what AU has to offer for the fall?”

“No need to apologize. It’s not like any of this is your fault.” I shook my head, already way ahead of him. AU offered the lab I needed, but it wasn’t realistic at the moment. It was a nice idea, though. I looked up, my smile a bit more genuine this time. “I’ve considered it, though - AU, I mean. I’m just not sure if I have enough time in the day.”

He nodded in the direction of the stairs. “Well, is there anything that can be done to lighten your schedule?”

No, basically everything I do is mandatory. Run. Breakfast. Lessons. Lunch. School work. Dinner. More school work. Attempt to sleep. Fail miserably.

Did AU offer midnight biochem labs?

I laughed a little jokingly, my brain to mouth filter switched off, apparently. “Maybe if I stopped fretting over making everything I do as close to perfect as possible…” I trailed off, wishing I could die along with my poor excuse of a joke. Great, now he’ll probably be even more concerned.

“I’ll consider it further, though,” I relented, looking down. “The one plan I do have as of right now is to at least finish my degree.”

After that, everything was up in the air. Maybe I could leave here and go right to Swendway, get an apartment, some plants, and maybe even a dog, like I had always imagined. I could meet someone, settle down, and potentially start a family, if our lifestyles allowed for it. Alternatively, I could stay in Angeles, and find an apartment here, or just fully transfer to AU, and live in a dorm. At this point, I was close with almost all the girls who were still here. It’d be nice to have friends nearby, to be able to see them all on holidays, or just for fun.

What if I win? That was still a possibility. I could try and finish out my degree, marry Arin, and then what? Be forced to produce an heir? No, I understood completely where Arin was coming from on that issue - I wasn’t ready to consider that yet. Maybe once I was twenty-five, or even older. I had just fallen apart eighteen ways to Sunday, admitted to not sleeping, and to being a workaholic - not exactly prime mother material, if you asked me. I’d need time, and it seemed he did too, if not more.

“I like that plan,” he said with a smile, beginning to lead me up the stairs. “You should do what you want to do, even if you don’t know what that is yet.”

“So I’ve been told,” I shot back, biting my lip as I followed him up the stairs. Then, quieter, I added, “You should, too.”

He remained silent as we made our way to the top of the stairs, making no move to acknowledge what I had said. I followed, staying one step behind him until we reached the top of the stairs. This man’s insistence that he deserves only the worst is going to prematurely give me grey hairs. I came to a stop, tugging on his hand, which I was still holding, in an attempt to get him to look at me. I couldn’t fix him - no one person could. That wasn’t my job. Only he held the keys to bettering himself. At the same time, I couldn’t stand by and say nothing.

He stopped, his eyes meeting mine as he looked at me over his shoulder. Now was my chance. I kept my face serious, but my tone as light as I could, given the context. “Look, you said it yourself - I’m not beyond hope. Don’t forget that you aren’t, either.”

“I’m working on it,” he replied, nodding, “but right now it doesn’t feel that way.”

A familiar cracking feeling spread through my chest, and I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry or hug him as tightly as I could, and let him know that it’d be alright. Both of those options felt wrong, though, like he wouldn’t interpret their meaning in the same way I did. I settled instead for simply squeezing his hand. “It takes time, but -” I nodded once, offering him a small smile “-it’s possible.”

I was fifteen, just a girl, in my high school AP Calculus classroom, crying over the grade I had just received on our last exam. It wasn’t good enough. It was never good enough. I was a disappointment, a failure, even, regardless of whether or not the grade was a passing grade. There would always be somebody better than me, more worthy of being here than I was.

“Evalin,” my teacher had said, slowly stepping around her desk towards me, “it’s one bad grade. It’s not the end of the world.”

I looked up, frantically wiping away the tears that I couldn’t stop from coming. “It’s not good enough. I could have done better - I shouldn’t even be in this class, if this is the best I can do.”

“Evalin,” she had repeated, taking a seat in the desk next to me, now empty since the lunch bell had rung, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please, don’t worry about it. You’re doing fine in this class.”

I shook my head. “‘Fine’ isn’t good enough! My parents…” I trailed off. They had access to my grades online, and likely already knew how bad I had done. I could picture them discussing it right now, sharing their disappointment, their disgust, their anger. I had big shoes to fill, and I was failing miserably.

“What did you get on this exam, again?” My teacher looked over my shoulder, peeking at her own red handwriting on my paper. “Oh, Evalin, that’s not even a bad grade! An A-minus in this class is something most students would kill for!”

Was she crazy? “It’s not an A.”

She smiled a bit as she shook her head, exhaling heavily through her nose, as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “How about this - do me a favor, okay? Take the night off. I’m not collecting your homework assignment. In fact, I’m giving you a new assignment!” She stood up, shaking her head, placing her hands on her hips. “Do something relaxing, something fun - play a game, binge a TV show, watch something funny on Y’allTube. Be a teenager, for once.”

“I have other homework to do.” I shook my head as I hurriedly began packing my books, slinging my bag over my shoulder. The walls were closing in on me. I needed to leave. I couldn’t get out of this room fast enough.

“You’re clipping your own wings before you ever even have the chance to fly,” she called after me as I made my way to the door. “There’s more to life than just school, you know?”

“I need to get into college,” was all I said in reply before leaving.

It had taken me far too long to realize how right she had been. “There are better days ahead.”

I was twenty, almost twenty-one. I was here, walking the halls of the palace with the prince. I still wasn’t perfect - I never would be - but I was good enough to make it this far. The Elite. I was part of the Elite, and I had earned my spot here.

He chucked as we continued on down the hallway. “My standards are low, don’t worry.”

“Why does that make me worry more?” I grumbled, my smile turning into a frown.

“I didn’t mean it like that -” his expression was nothing short of surprised as he looked over at me “- just my expectations aren’t high.”

That’s the same idea, just worded differently, Arin. I raised an eyebrow at him, a teasing smile returning to my face once more. “You know that doesn’t sound much better, right?”

“I don’t know, Evalin,” he sighed. “It’s just the way I see things, I guess.”

He was a pessimist, then. No surprise there, honestly, so why was I frowning in disappointment? “No, I get that,” I assured him, shrugging a little. I was getting a clearer picture, a sharper image, of who Arin was now, pieces clicking into place as I put the puzzle together. Hugo had been right on two counts - Arin was complex, and I wanted to know the details.

“Right now I take things one day at a time, personally,” he continued as we neared my room, “but as the heir it’s a much bigger picture I have to look at.”

Naturally. Politics was a game of chess that I was only just beginning to understand as I scratched the surface of it. I had only seen the tip of the iceberg, as of right now, but I was certain that the lurking underside of this world would become clearer as my time here went on - and it would go on. Arin seemed content to keep me around for a while, or at least long enough to meet his Amma, when she returned in a couple of weeks. The thought was both thrilling and terrifying.

“Of course,” I replied with a nod. “Our actions now affect the future. That logic applies in any field.” The butterfly effect, I believed my father had once referred to it as. If we kill a butterfly now, it could change the entire course of the future, just as doing cancer research now could lead to a cure in the future, or how implementing a social welfare program now could benefit the lives of Illéan citizens in the future. It made perfect sense.

He nodded as I turned my head to look at him, his eyes distant. He was lost in thought once again. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, clearing away any notifications without even looking at them. They could wait. Right now, I had other goals in mind. Immediately upon unlocking my phone, I opened the contacts app, clicking the “add contact” button, and extending the phone towards Arin. “Sorry if this is too forward, but can I have you number? Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course! It’s just, the whole sending notes thing is nice, but kind of impractical, when you think about it -” I shrugged, not really sure what I was saying, at this point, my mouth moving, compelled by a mind of it’s own “- and I promise I’m not the type to blow up your phone. In fact, if you ask my family next week, they’ll probably complain about how often I leave people on ‘read’.”

He blinked once before nodding. “Oh, yeah.”

Maybe I really should think less.

He took my phone from my hand, quickly typing in a string of numbers before handing it back to me. “Here you go.”

I smiled, quickly opening up my messages app and starting a new thread.

Evalin: Evalin :)

            Delivered 3:58am

There, now we both had each other’s numbers. I wasn't sure what had compelled me to ask him, but it had just felt right. It was a gut instinct, I supposed. I should learn to act on those sometimes, instead of planning my every move down to the millisecond. Satisfied with the outcome of my request, I locked my phone and slid it back into my pocket, stopping as we reached my door. So, this was it, then.

I turned around, my back to the door as I faced him. “Thank you, Arin.”

“Of course,” he replied with a smile and a nod. Then, laughing, he added, “No more notes, I guess.”

“No,” I agreed, a grin slowly spreading across my face as I laughed along with him. “I suppose I'll have to take care not to rip the old ones.” I sighed a bit more dramatically than the situation called for, but something about it was easy, fun. It was unlike so much else, these days.

I looked at my door for a second before meeting his gaze again. “Can I give you a hug, before we part ways?” I wasn’t quite ready for a kiss goodnight - not yet, not when I knew the same dream would likely rear its ugly head once I fell asleep, if I even fell asleep at all, but a hug - I could do that.

“Oh, sure.” He chuckles, opening his arms and standing still, looking at me expectantly.

I went for it, wrapping my arms around him and holding on for a few seconds, taking in the feeling of it all, and putting it someplace special in my memory, for easy access in the future. I almost hated how right it felt. He was still seeing seven other girls. He still clearly had some kind of feelings for Felicity. Yet, here I was, so sure of us as I stood in his arms.

I let go, smiling as I looked at him. My feelings were my issue to sort out, and he was already working out his own. Maybe we’d fall together, or maybe we wouldn’t. Either way, I was certain we were both on the right path, right now.

“Goodnight, Arin. Get some sleep, will you?”

“I can’t make any promises.” He laughed a little at first, before looking down at me with a sad smile.

I came to the conclusion then that we were both just procrastinating on attempts at sleep that we knew would ultimately fail, too wrapped up in our own thoughts to let ourselves rest. I exhaled through my nose, looking at him a tad sadly as I put my hand on the doorknob of my room. “At least try?”

We could both at least try.

“I -” he paused, then nodded solemnly “-okay. You try too?”

I repeated his own actions, hesitating for a second before nodding, the ghost of a smirk flickering across my face. “I’ll give it a shot.”

“You should let me know if that tea works out, because if so, I may have to give it a try,” he replied, smirking ever so slightly.  

I wasn’t so sure it would, at this point, but nonetheless I responded, “Well, if I’m not at breakfast in the morning, then there’s your answer.” I leaned back against my door, one hand still firmly gripping the doorknob, but not yet turning it. It appeared that even despite telling each other to sleep, we were both still intent on procrastinating doing just that.

“If you’re not down by lunch, I may have to head up the search party,” he retorted, laughing at his own joke.

“Yeah,” I laughed along, shaking my head, “if I’m not awake by then, something is seriously wrong.”

“Or maybe you’re just having some good dreams,” he teased, his smirk growing as he spoke.

I was unable to stop myself from snorting and rolling my eyes, before smirking right back at him. This man was going to be the death of me, I swore. “Maybe it’s just a replay of you falling while roller skating, on loop.”

“That’s the best dream you can come up with where I’m the star?” He raised his eyebrows at me.

I hummed thoughtfully for a moment, sarcastically tapping my index finger against my lips as I considered it. “I suppose sitting on the floor at the ballet theater is a close second, or maybe the kiss in the library.”

Lukas’s lips on mine, too strong, all wrong.

No.

Arin’s lips on mine, hesitant, soft, as if he was waiting for confirmation that he wasn’t going too far.

Just the difference between him and Lukas alone left me baffled as to how he could think he was a bad person.

He raised his eyebrows even further. “Is that so?”

We were in this for the long haul, I realized, taking my hand off the doorknob and crossing my arms, all the while smirking back at Arin. “Well, it’s hard to have a bad dream about something so enjoyable.”

“I’d still argue that I don’t find the ballet pleasurable,” he shot back, tilting his head to the side a bit.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Not even the intermission?” When we sat together on the floor, my head on your shoulder, your head on mine, side by side, hands locked together.

“The ballet itself? Not likely.”

Was he dumb? I rolled my eyes, smiling a bit even as my frustration mounted. “And yet, I recall you sitting through it for a certain girl in blue.”

“I did.” He nodded. “And maybe I’d do it again.”

He would, if I asked. I knew it without even having to think for more than a second. It was just the kind of person he was, at least around me. I wondered if it was different for the other girls, or if he treated us all as if we were equals.

Entertaining that thought made me feel gross, slimy, sick to my stomach. I let it drop, instead inclining my head to the side a bit, and replying, “She might like to sit next to you again sometime, like you did on the floor. I think she also mentioned wanting to kiss you again, at some point.”

Was I ready to go there, right now? I wasn’t sure. Oh, God, what was I saying? I should’ve ducked into my room when I had had the chance, and spared myself the misery.

He raised his eyebrows at me, and rightly so. “Did she? A lot has happened since then and I’m not sure she feels that way still.”

This was my chance. I could change my tune.

Some part of me didn’t want to, though. The kiss with Arin had been different, kinder and softer, than anything I had felt before. I wanted to enjoy the sensation of kissing and being kissed again. I didn’t want Lukas to ruin that for me, and yet my mind kept going back to the same place - his lips on my lips, his fingers on my chest.

It was as if I could feel them now. My heart rate quickened, even as I answered, “She did,” with an affirming nod. “You might have to ask her first, though.”

I was just in the mood to make bad decisions while sober, it seemed.

“Well,” he began, swallowing once, “asking is very important.”

I just nodded, not trusting myself to say anything in response, even if I could find the words. I wanted to kiss him - had wanted to kiss him again for a long time. A dumb part of me wondered if kissing him would help me forget about Lukas, though I already knew every therapist I had ever seen would tell me that that was the wrong answer.

I had never liked therapy, though.

He glanced down the hall in both directions, taking a tiny step forward as his gaze settled on me again. We were doing this, then. Fuck my old therapists. I grinned back at him, pushing myself off of my bedroom door so that I was standing in front of him, my arms still crossed as I looked up at him. “Have any questions?”

“Many,” he answered, raising his eyebrows as he peered back down at me, “but I always do.”

Well, fuck, me too. I raised an eyebrow back at him in response. “Such as?”

“Where eels come from, and why eagles used to be Illéa’s national animal.”

I snorted. Smartass. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to keep myself in check before replying. “I’m afraid I can’t answer either of those, unfortunately.”

“The world may never know,” he replied with a small smile.

I shook my head. “A true tragedy.”

I uncrossed my arms then, beginning to reach up, intending to place my arms on his shoulders, my hands on his back. Something stopped me in my tracks though, leaving my arms hovering in midair. Would doing that make him uncomfortable, like he was pushing me too far? He wasn’t. I wanted to do it. He couldn’t know that, though. He couldn’t read minds.

He blinked, his expression almost surprised, though his voice was soft as he said my name. “Evalin.”

I sucked it up. “Are you okay with this?” My hands were still hovering in midair. “Because I wouldn’t be in this situation if I wasn’t.”

“I think so.” He nodded. “Are you?”

“Yes.” My answer was more sure of itself than I was, but I rolled with it anyway, reaching my hands up over his shoulders, lacing my fingers together behind his neck.

I could feel his pulse quickening as he looked down at me again, mumbling my name once more. “Evalin.”

I smirked back up at him. “Yes, Arin?”

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, his voice a bit softer now.

I smiled back at him, looking into his eyes. “How nice this is. How I like being close to you.” I felt a faint blush start to spread across my cheeks, my voice softer too as I added, “How I kind of want to kiss you.”

He swallowed. “And what if you did?”

Was he nervous? It sure sounded like it.

I inclined my head a bit, still looking up at him. “Would you be okay with that?”

“Yes,” he answered with a nod, stepping a little bit closer.

I smiled. “Good.” With that, I closed the distance between us, leaning in for the kiss.

He kissed back, his lips gentle, soft, as he leaned me backwards until I made contact with my door. I rose to stand on my toes in an attempt to get a better angle. This kiss was longer than our first, but the touch just as feather-light, nothing pressured, nothing forced. Even sandwiched between him and my door, it was clear to me that I could break away whenever I wanted to. I had a choice. I had a say. My voice, my wants, mattered.

He reached up, putting his hand on the side of my face, his palms warm against my cheek. As he leaned down more, I leaned forwards, sliding my arms further over his shoulders and deepening the kiss. In response, his lips parted further, and he ran his fingers through my hair. It was heaven, bliss, euphoria. I could have stayed in that moment forever, my head empty of thoughts, the only sensation his lips on mine, his touch, the rise and fall of his shoulders beneath my forearms.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that. It wasn’t long enough, and yet, even feeling like that, I still was the first to pull away, completely out of breath. I pulled my arms back so that my hands rested on his shoulders, smiling at him as I attempted to catch my breath. If there was one thing I now knew, as he stared back at me, somewhat breathless as well, it was that Arin and Lukas couldn’t be more different.

We stayed like that for a few moments before he asked, “Was that okay?”

My smile only grew. “So much better than okay,” I answered, still a little breathless myself.

He chuckled a little, before responding, “Well, that's good to hear. You were very quiet.”

“Ah, sorry, I was just a little lost in thought - good thoughts, though.” I leaned back into my door a bit, only to feel it slip out from behind me. Either I had turned the doorknob when my hand had been on it earlier, or I hadn’t closed the door all the way when I had initially left my room. Regardless, I stumbled backwards, frantically trying to catch my balance. I would not let this night end with me falling on my ass in front of him.

Arin let out a noise of surprise, his arm quickly reaching out in my direction. He managed to wrap his fingers around my wrist in the knick of time, tugging me back upright as gently as he possibly could, given the circumstances. I just stared at his hand on my wrist, taking in the sensation of his fingers on my skin, blushing as I straightened up again and looked around the hallway. Luckily, it was still empty, save for us.

“Thank you,” I said, clearing my throat. “Right, so, I suppose this is really goodnight, then.”

How many times had we already said goodnight to each other now? Did the word even hold any meaning to us anymore?

“I think so,” he agreed, pulling his hand back and nodding, before glancing between me and my door. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered, a smirk forming as I spoke. “I guess we’re even now, now that I’ve almost fallen in front of you.”

He simply laughed. “Try not to fall on your way to bed.”

“I’ll do my best,” I assured him with a nod, grinning as I took a few steps into my room. I stopped when I grabbed the doorknob, turning back to look at him before adding, “Go get some sleep, Arin.”

“Some other time,” he replied with a smile, taking a few steps back.

This man was going to be the death of me. “Arin.”

“Yeah?” He raised his eyebrows.

“You need sleep, too.”

He shrugged, then gave me a small smile. “Sometimes.”

“Am I going to have to go full big-sister mode on you, and tuck you into bed to get you to get some sleep?” I narrowed my eyes at him, remembering how I had done the same exact thing for Randall in the past. “Because with what’s coming up in the next week or so, now, I am more than prepared to do that.”

“Big sister mode?” He blinked once. “Are you sure?”

Well, I had been hoping you would have more common sense, and it wouldn’t come to this. I rolled my eyes. “My point is - sleep!”

He just shrugged. “We’ll see.”

I was so close to losing it on him, but I kept myself together. Narrowing my eyes at him, I slowly began to close my door, throwing in one last “Goodnight,” just for good measure.

“Goodnight.”

I watched him take a few steps backwards before I shut my door completely, hoping that for once he might actually take my advice.

--

It was five-forty in the morning when Harald walked into the office. An earlier start than usual to his day, certainly, and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had already missed out on something important as he made his way to the door, clocking in. On the far wall, his daughter’s friend, Lukas, was hanging up the phone with a loud sigh. Was he really even his daughter’s friend, anymore? Even after everything that Harald had witnessed last fall, she still seemed to consider him one, and yet, before she had left home three months ago, he had pulled into the driveway just in time to see her shove Lukas off their front porch. He knew that he shouldn’t have been as proud to witness that as he had been. Violence was never the answer - his own father had drilled that into him often, when he was a boy - but the occurrence served as a nice reminder that his daughter would be able to handle herself just fine.

“Good morning, Mr. Bernhardsen,” Harald offered by way of greeting, watching the boy tense up as he took his hand off the receiver.

“Dr. Berg.” Lukas inclined his head in greeting, his hands clasped behind his back as he smiled. “How are you?”

Harald ignored the question. He didn’t deal in pretty niceties, especially not where people like Lukas were concerned. They were a waste of time. Instead, he inclined his head towards the receiver. “Rough call?”

Lukas just shook his head, chuckling. “Just a particularly enthusiastic solicitor. Nothing exciting.”

The only thing that kept Harald from saying anything in response as he nodded was the hope that if he remained silent, Lukas might leave. Luck seemed to be in his favor that day, because within moments, the boy had exited the room, striding across the hall into Proctor’s office. They really were a perfect match as a mentor and mentee, and he didn’t mean that just because he wasn’t particularly fond of either of them. He had a sneaking suspicion that their goals outside of the lab aligned as well as their goals inside the lab did.

As soon as Lukas had fully vanished into the room across the hall, Harald made his way over to the landline, dialling a familiar code. It wasn’t a well known fact amongst the interns, but all calls to and from the biology department’s general landline were recorded for quality assurance. It was written into a contract that all interns had to sign at the beginning of the semester. Not that any members of the younger generation really read those contracts anymore. They could have signed their lives away without ever really knowing.

The recording began, Lukas’s voice ringing through the phone, loud and clear, and as grating as ever. “Hello, Evalin. Always good to hear from you first thing in the morning. What brings you to the office landline today?”

Evalin. His daughter had called? Why?

Something was wrong.

A man on the other end of the line cleared his throat. “I’d like to speak with Mr. Berg.”

Harald knew that voice. He had heard it on the television often. The prince.

Why had Prince Arin called the biology department to speak with him, using his daughter’s phone? Were they together? He checked his watch. It would be two-forty in the morning in Angeles right now. What were they doing together at two-forty in the morning? Harald didn’t like the images that were coming to mind.

“Ah, reverting to looking through cell phones, now.” Lukas clucked his tongue. “That’s never a good sign.”

“Actually, I asked Evalin to let me borrow her phone so I could speak with her father,” the prince replied smoothly. “I wanted to touch base with him about his upcoming visit to the palace, since I’m really looking forward to meeting him.”

This reply raised a whole new set of questions. How close had Arin and Evalin grown, in the past few months? The last Harald had heard, the pair had been at each other’s throats while roller skating, arguing about every topic under the sun. That had been months ago, though. It was entirely possible that a lot had changed since then. Or, perhaps the prince was looking forward to meeting him for other reasons. Harald’s frown deepened, his mind wandering towards a box kept in the corner of the attic of his house. Was it finally time for that box to see the light of day once again? Conflicts with Swendway were worsening. It seemed counterintuitive.

Lukas’s reply didn’t wait for Harald to finish his thoughts. “Well, I don’t know why she’d let you call now, since she knows her father won’t be in for another half hour.” There was the sound of some keys clicking, and then, “Hmm, looks like he hasn’t put in for any time off in the upcoming weeks, either. Unfortunate. He must not reciprocate your feelings. Do you still want me to take a message?”

Oh, shoot. He still had to do that. He’d do it immediately after he was done listening to this call. He’d been so excited at the prospect of seeing his daughter again, that the practical side of preparing to do so had been forgotten.

“Actually, it’s all been arranged with the Dean. It’s a surprise for Ev and her family, so this would be the first time he’s hearing of it, but no message is needed. I’ll get his direct number from her.”

Two more concerns were raised by this message. The first being the usage of the nickname, “Ev,” for Evalin. If she really was there with him - and she must be, because it was her phone being used to make the call - that meant she was okay with it. She must have been very comfortable around the prince, then. Their relationship must have improved since the time they had gone roller skating. Harald wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but the thought did make him a little uneasy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his daughter to be happy - that was all he had ever wanted, really - but in a practical sense, their relationship likely wouldn’t last. She wasn’t the only girl he was dating. It was a recipe for heartbreak.

The second concern was that no call had been made to his cell, as of yet, which meant the prince must have lied. What else was he lying about?

Harald had a bad feeling about this entire situation.

“Ah,” Lukas replied, “I see. Well, I don’t know why you didn’t just start with that. Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything else you want to know?”

“I didn’t start with that because I don’t believe it pertains to you,” the prince answered sharply. “This is between me, Ev, and her family, so nothing else is needed from you.”

“Alright, then. Glad to know I’m not needed by you. Have a nice day!”

The call ended abruptly after that. That must have been when Harald had entered the room. He exhaled heavily, knowing this spelled out nothing but trouble. He reached into his pocket, taking out his cellphone, and clicking on the contact, “Goose.”

It went directly to voicemail. He tried a second time, only to get the same result. After the third time, he gave up, accepting that he wasn’t going to get a response. He debated leaving a message, but ultimately decided against it. He was going to see his daughter in a week anyway. He could reassess the situation then.

He only hoped the prince was as eager to talk as he claimed to be. Harald had some questions, and needed some answers. He had to assess the situation, and prepare for the damages to come - and they would come, more likely than not. Even Evalin herself had to realize that.

His sweet little girl, who saw the good in everyone and everything, was in love with a prince who had already broken off one engagement, and didn’t seem particularly enthused about entering in another. Harald had let her do this to herself. Now he just needed to see how badly he had messed up, and what he could do to fix it. After all, the important thing about mistakes wasn’t how big they were, but rather how you handled them after the fact. That was the most important lesson he had learned as a father.

Harald had made many mistakes over the course of his life, but the solution had always been the same. Watch, assess, set a new plan.

That was exactly what he would do now.

[ladymelissaduthe]

Challenge #1

Alternately Titled: To be a Princess

I actually don’t have wifi right now, but hopefully data can come through for now. I’l probably reupload this with the gdoc format soon hehe 

I actually wanted to post Missy’s RP with Jackson which happens the night before all of this, but I’m not too happy with it right now so SJKNJKDNDK yeah here is the reaction fic for now + the first meeting RP,,, cause it’s technically late... I’M SORRY BSDJKDNKJD Mentions of @safiya-schreave and @felicity-graham HAHAHAHA and features the first meeting with @arin-schreave hehe, thank you guys for some spicy material to work with <3 (2341 words,,, I think)

When I was a little girl, I learned that to be a princess was to have a thousand pairs of shoes. Shoulders back and tummy in, lift the chin and slowly turn your head from side to side.

I would personally like to thank Barbie for being the role model I didn’t think I’d need on a day like today.

Sure, Barbie had Julian, (The superior Ken from a Barbie movie if you asked me), but today, we had a real life princess give us a crash course on… royal life amongst us. It was like Barbie: Princess and the Popstar more than the Princess and the Pauper really. She walked in, and well, it felt like the chatter in the room quieted down once she came in. Princess Safiya.

She seemed nice when she came in, clipboard an all—ah well doesn’t that sight remind me of days I’d be instructing relatives around a rehearsal dinner. She begins to read from a script attached to the clipboard.

“I hope you all had a restful first night in the palace because now our work begins. Today I will begin to instruct you on conduct and protocol, a process that will continue for the duration of your stay. Please know that I will be reporting any missteps on your part to the royal family.” An amused expression ghosts her features before she continues. “I know it sounds harsh, but this isn’t a game to be taken lightly. Someone in this room will be the next princess of Illéa. It is no small task. You must endeavor to elevate yourselves, no matter your previous station. You will become ladies from the ground up. And this very morning, you will receive your first lesson.”

Hm… fair. I nod from my spot in the room, ready as ever to learn. I mean, how hard could it be? The sound of the door opening catches my attention, was another girl late?

Oh… OH.

Well I’ll be damned, that was Felicity Graham.

I thought she was taller.

I focus my attention back to what the princess was saying, only seeing Felicity move through the corner of my eyes until she came right back into my line of sight when she walks over to where Safiya stood, the two seemingly having a hushed conversation the no one probably an ear away could hear. I lift a shoulder up, busying myself and turning my attention to around the room. Guess they needed their privacy.

The set up was simple around here, simple at a glance but most probably high quality and very expensive. The room was mostly decorated like it was straight out of a home décor issue on an old money family. The elongated room was complemented with high-rise curtains tied with golden chords, tables were laid with cloths that were definitely a multi-count. There were centerpiece bouquets at the center of every table: dahlias and veronicas, if I wasn’t mistaken, the accent cloths were pinned to the sides with a lighter tulle? No, more of a sheath with gold weaved into it.

A few months, I decorated a wedding in a location similar to this, a sort of hall in an old building back in Orleans for the governor’s daughter. Except, maybe this has twice the budget…. Or maybe five times the budget. I wonder what was happening with the princess right now?

Oh they’re still talking. Why does the princess give Felicity a look? You know, one of those scary looking faces you shoot at a girl when you both see the same dress on sale and it’s the last one in-stock.

I try to wrack my brain up for anything I knew about them, figuring out why Felicity would be here. Those two were best friends, I know, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in the same room with the girl(s) my ex was replacing me with. Well, ya know, that’s just me. I just needed a refresher on which glass was for water and which one for juice.

“My sister sent someone to replace her. Lucky for us.”

The princess doesn’t seem too happy. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like for your best friend to be your brother’s ex-fiancée. That whole… situation was a big question for the entire country. My circles of other wedding planners whispered reasons why it was called off. Interesting allegations really. Oh their poor wedding planners, they better had a cancellation clause.

“Table manners are very important, and before you can eat in front of the royal family, you must be aware of certain etiquette. The faster we get through this little lesson, the sooner you get to have your breakfasts, so faces forward, please.”

The princess continues onto basic table manners, easy things that my Grammy used to grill me for back when I was little girl. Then again, there was a time when she used to be a Debutante ‘round Midston and her habits never left her.

“If you follow this one, I’ll be disappointed.” Oh so I guess we were allowed to speak with our inside voices. That’s… convenient. I nod along, hearing a snort from Felicity. The princess makes a face before continuing.

“She wanted me to make a final addition about how to address me and the rest of my family.” I should be paying attention to this one. The whole addressing royalty was definitely a new thing to me. The princess proceeds to explain who we call what, all the formalities and whatnot before we’re asked to stand and start with a crash course on curtsies.

“Now, I suppose you’ll be practicing your curtsies. I’ll be walking around if you have any questions. Or to critique.”

A good piece advice my mama gave me rings in my head, Imagine that a string is attached to the top of your head and pulling ya up. Maybe it’ll help me right now. It was something she always told brides during wedding rehearsals so they looked like they just glided down the aisle. I straighten up, imagining a string on the top of my head.

“and don’t forget I’m here to help you.” I hear Felicity say.

Wow, was she really?  

let’s just insert a timeskip here

It took a bit of a while before it was my turn to meet the prince. Not too long, but I suppose the buffet breakfast was a nice consolation. It was lovely that there were some vegan options. I was careful not to eat anything that could have stained the lovely lilac dress that took me literally forever to pick last night.

I was led outside of the room right after I finished some sliced fruits, careful that my lipstick wasn’t ruined from the meal. Someone opened the door for me as I was led into the room.

Alrighty, here we go, Missy. It’s just like meeting a new client. Winning smile, spring in your step, genuine interest. You practiced a couple of questions with yourself last night. It’s just a boy. It’s just a boy. You could do this. Just, try to impress him. No pressure.

There was a sofa, and beside it stood the prince. Oh, he seemed shorter in pictures. I walk towards him, reminding myself to keep my smile on and recall that I needed to dip down in a quick curtsey.

“Hello Lady Melissa. Please have a seat.” The prince greets before motioning to the sofa.

“Good morning, Prince Arin.” I glance over to the sofa before taking a seat, keeping my smile. “Thank you.”

He sits beside me. Up close, the first thing I notice was that his hair looked nice. Was that shallow? I mean… hair care and personal grooming was a good sign, right?

“How is your morning going?”

Compared to last night, I was in a much better mood, but of course I still felt tense. The cameras around wasn’t helping.

“Nothing short of spectacular.” I reply, recalling the answer I practiced in my head. Sometimes, it helps to practice answers. Oh wow, I really was nervous about this, wasn’t I? Shoot. “Woke up, never though I’d see such a great view of the ocean from my room, but there it was,” without knowing it my hands go up, “the sky was orange and glowing.”

I look to him, the memory of the sunrise bringing a genuine smile to my face. “How about you? How has your morning been going?”

“My morning has been fine, thank you.” He smiles at me. “Which province are you from?”

“Proud to be representing Midston. I bet you kind of had a hunch from the accent, but Orleans to be more specific, home to Mardi Gras and the best looking French Quarter in Illéa.”

The prince shakes his head, “Sorry, I honestly hadn’t noticed. But how do you like Angeles so far? It must be different from Midston.” His eyes trail elsewhere. Maybe towards the cameras?

“Well one thing I noticed was that… the buildings here are pretty tall.” I lift a shoulder up. “Don’t see that often where I’m from.” I chuckle before I look to where he looked, and realize that it indeed was a camera he glanced at a couple of seconds ago.

Don’t fix your hair, don’t fix your hair. My hand reaches up to tuck literally nothing back into place. Shoot. Don’t fix yourself around cameras, much less the prince, MISSY.

“It’s just as hot here though,” I add while fanning myself with my hand, “but I don’t know if that’s the weather or I’m just really nervous.”

“Nervous about which part?” the prince seems to watch me, still trying to maintain his smile.

I try to stop fidgeting, letting out a deep breath. “Not might be the same for you but I think meeting a prince for the first time would make you feel the slightest bit of jitters.” An unintentional laugh escapes me, and I try to smile. “Sorry, is it a little too much?”

The prince seems to shake his head, “No, uh… I’m mostly used to it.” He seems to pause for a moment before speaking up. “What do you do in Orleans?”

Without thinking, “Weddings.” I instantly say, “I mean, I plan weddings and debuts.” I start to ramble, “Catering, decorations, invitation, whatever a client wants for their special day, I can make it happen.”

He blows out a breath and nods, “Ah, I see. And how is…” he seems to hesitate at the next word, “wedding planning?”

Someone please, slap me.

Oh dear, it must still be a sensitive topic for him.

I try to give him a comforting smile, “It’s quite lovely, I don’t think I’ve experienced something as magical as someone’s wedding day. I’m just happy to help make the magic happen.” I’m reminded of my conversation with Jackson in the kitchen last night. The happiest business… he called it.

I blink, ah yes… way to rub some salt into a wound. QUICK. Find a way to salvage this. “Debuts are just as fun too. Just as much cake and magic.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” He seems to shift slightly, “So you enjoy it?”

“Very much.” I reply. He still seems weirded out by it. QUICK. Change the topic. “Are you… a party person, your highness? Or a little more of a party of one kind of person?”

Prince Arin tilts his head, “I’ve enjoyed parties and sometimes I like to be alone. But honestly I don’t mind the chaos.” He then frowns. Why would he be frowning? Is he… one of those extra-introvert types? What did they call those people again? Eh, the only thing I really knew about those kinds of people was that they had a social battery or something like that.

“I think there’s always something to celebrate,” I bobble my head, “but we’ve all got a battery that can only take up so much uh… chaos. Nothing too different.”

He seems to blink in surprise, “That’s a different way of looking at things. It seems like you have a pretty high tolerance.”

Well, that’s one way to put it. I’ve always just been a really social type.

“I believe it’s all about perspective.” I smile, recalling another piece of advice my Grammy always told me. “Just gotta choose how you wanna perceive things instead of accepting them the way you first saw it. I mean, that’s what my Grammy’s always reminded me.”

“So move on with your life?” The prince looks at me curiously.

If only moving on was easy as saying that you were moving on.

“You make moving on sound bad.” I chuckle, recalling how… bad it really could be. “See it more of moving forward. Someone used to tell me , ‘Forward to a tomorrow, completely different from yesterday’. ” I glance to the prince. “I’m still figuring out that last piece of advice out though.”

I don’t know why I still quoted that. Quoted him of all people, but good advice… was good advice.

“And who was that?” Prince Arin asks, I catch him tilting his head to the side, “That sounds like something my mother would say.”

The answer seems to be stuck in my throat, I pause before saying, “That’s a story for another day, your highness.” I try to change the topic. “Your mother sounds very wise though. Are you two very close?”

“We are,” he nods before glancing at his watch. “But I can tell you more about that another day.” Touché, a chuckle escapes me.

Prince Arin stands, “It’s been a pleasure speaking with you this morning, Lady Melissa. I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.”

“Missy, you can call me Missy.” I follow and stand up, dipping into another curtsy. “Have a nice day ahead of you, your Highness.” I give him one last smile, seeing him nod and take it as my cue to turn and leave.

Someone please tell me that was a good first impression.

[ranger-kellyn]

11 Favorite Excerpts

In honor if it being the 11 year anniversary of the first fic I ever posted, Platinum Bound, I thought I’d list out 10 of my favorite excerpts from everything I’ve posted so far, 1 from something I haven’t posted yet, and then kind of just. Talk about it~

As always, feel free to talk to me about any of my fics, no matter how old or new~ I’m very vain~<3

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1 - Come With Me - Prologue - 03/02/2015 - Completed

A day that was supposed to be filled with sorrow and mourning had turned out to be very lovely. The cold that had long persisted since November had decided to lighten its icy grip on this one day in particular. It was almost a tragedy in itself that the weather failed to match the mood by pouring a relentless downpour. Rain was fit for a funeral. Not sunshine.

The opening to Come With Me has always had a special place in my heart, and while I know my writing has gotten better since then, I always hold up this opening as like...my premium brand, I suppose.  I love the mood the prologue sets up for Siebold’s side of the story.  Mismatched weather.  His parents having the same death date.  A sense of odd relationship dynamics with them.  Clear indication that there’s going to be a lot of conflict with Jean as shown by Diantha, Siebold’d childhood friend, who has a clear disdain towards him.  CWM may not be my BEST WORK, but it’s probably one of my favorites.  ALSO....come on...the restaurant’s name is Apple of The Earth, which is a direct translation of pomme de terre, which is French for potato.  And like???? i just get a little kick out of it every time

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2 - It Takes Two - 12/16/2014 - Oneshot

Siebold chuckled.  “A water dark type?  My, my.  You’ve already put yourself at a disadvantage. Cress shook his head.  “Don’t give away your secret ingredient just yet, Siebold.  Leave something to the imagination, please,” he teased.

If there is ONE THING I LOVE it’s writing flirty banter for these two, and this fic if full of it.  My first fic for Cress/Siebold, staking my claim on the pool noodle that is this ship.  I AM the captain of this pool noodle

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3 - Second Chances - Chapter 7 - 06/14/2017 - Ongoing

“It was supposed to be me!” . . . Shaking, she stopped herself in the front hallway.  Looking over the large, glass-famed map, she felt as though she was leaving her own body as she slammed herself against it in a last ditch effort to feel something other than emotional pain.  In an effort to put a physical wound to her emotional one. 

There’s plenty of happier lines from this fic I could choose.  Ch 10 had a section I was considering instead, but I think this emotionally charged section has always stood out for me. I like to generally characterize Cynthia as someone who is in control of her emotions, or at the very least, is very good at compartmentalizing things, but here, she absolutely loses it.  No rationality.  No seeking help.  Just raw pain.  It was supposed to be me. Because it was!  It absolutely was!  In the previous chapter you learn that Diantha had fully intended to propose to her!  But was instead manipulated by her mother and manager into leaving Cynthia.  While Cynthia didn’t know that, we do, and that makes that line so much more painful to me.  I swear.  ONE DAY.  I’ll actually finish this fic.

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4 - Fortune and Fame - Chapter 1 - 03/23/2016 - Completed

“The best part of that outfit would be taking it off.” Her mouth turns into a smile. “I should think so,” she tells you.

Second person POV is a HUGE pain in the ass, but I still love this silly little fic, and I love this silly little moment EVEN MORE.  What can I say.  I love flirty banter. This whole fic was an absolute experiment, and while it certainly could be better, considering 2POV is not something I regularly work with, I’ve never been too upset with it.

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5 - Stockholm - Chapter 4 - 06/20/2016 - Ongoing

“You’re my mission and my mission alone.  I don’t need outside help,” he tells me. I catch myself about to laugh.  “Figured you would welcome it seeing as whatever you think you’re doing to me clearly isn’t working.” He moves closer, enough for me to feel the warmth of his body, but it’s only when I think he’s looking at my lips do I come to my senses, pulling my legs up to my person, and pushing back up against the wall. “I would say it’s working just fine.”

i like to think of this fic as me playing in a sandbox.  i don’t REALLY know what i’m doing, but i’m having fun, and that’s all that matters. This is a fic I had been thinking about for the longest time.  I abandoned it back in 2016.  I don’t really remember why, but I posted the first update early this year, and I just.  I’ve been loving it since.  I haven’t played in first person in SUCH a long time, it’s just nice to play in the space, and explore a darker emotion I guess.  Game verse Commander Saturn/Dawn is always a weakness of mine

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6 - Shadows of My Heart - Chapter 4 - 02/22/2011 - Completed

Looking at Kellyn, I notice that he has taken his jacket off and is now offering it to me. Shaking my head, I tell him that I can't take it, even though I would love nothing more than to take him up on his offer. He walks closer, smiling as he places his jacket over me. Now, the only thing I hear is the sound of the rain bouncing off of Kellyn's jacket, and the sound my own heartbeat. I'd have to be crazy or dead to not be blushing right now, and obviously my pulse is still going…

if you’ve followed me for a few years, you might think this is a weird pick for me.  i complain about it a lot.  i experience a lot of visceral cringe whenever i reread it (Like i did just now searching for a section i liked) But that’s why I like it.  I love having this visible benchmark of where I’ve come from, and where my ideals have shifted to.  I’ve always written Kellyn as my Ideal Man™© and in this fic he is suCH A “NICE GUY” AND IT’S JUST. SO BAD. I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT WITH THE KIND OF PERSON I USED TO WISH I WAS WITH. This fic is, at best, clumsy.  Younger me was venting a LOT of stuff. Everything I put Rhythmi through in the fic, I was dealing with irl, and NOT handling them well.  I never recommend this for reading, but I list it here because it’s like looking in a time capsule.  

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7 - Washington Blues - Chapter 2 - 04/30/2012 - Abandoned Work

Looking back up at me, the afternoon sun shines on her face.  As if I needed to be reminded that she is very pretty.  “I believe that it is too soon to be giving a definite answer, but,” she pauses to brush some hair behind her ear, “I do believe I am going to like it here.” I nod, liking the answer she has provided.  I put my pink bag over my shoulder, and step down the stairs.  “That’s good to hear.  I do hope you come to love our little band,” I say, putting a little emphasis on “our”.  Hopefully she will start using that term as well.

This fic has been abandoned since 2012, but as I was rereading it just now, I...felt a weird urge to give it a second chance?  Marching band was my EVERYTHING in high school.  It was basically my personality.  It and Homestuck.  If nothing else, I think I might give this fic a redo, because it’s something my younger self would have loved.  I had so many ideas I wanted to explore and I think it would be a fun space to explore. Just reading it I got the most tactile memories of band camp, from the sounds, all the way down to the god awful smells.  One day I’ll give this fic another go, but probably in 3rd person lmao.  Also, it’s kind of funny.  I remember holding this fic up as like.  My Magnum Opus.  I considered chapter 1 to be the BEST thing I had written up to that point. Now? It’s so fucking D RY......and no real person talks like they all do l m a o I love being able to see how far I’ve come. 

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8 - Hindsight - Sometime Feb 2014?  - Oneshot for an old RP group

This question led him to placing both of his hands in his lap.  “I would never describe her as winter.  It’s the season she hates the most.  From what I’ve gathered during our travels together, understandably so,” he answered, not meeting her eyes. 

While this fic is OLD it holds a very special place in my heart.  I had stopped writing for a while.  For about 2 years nothing I wrote ever really panned out, and joining that RP group was literally the best thing I could have done for my creativity.  It was so much fun, and I met some truly incredible people thanks to it.  Literally, everything I’ve written since I attribute to that group.  <3 I may not talk to most of them anymore, but I have some of the best memories of that time, and I just.  Genuinely don’t think I would have HALF of what I have written now if it hadn’t been for their support.  <3

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9 - Ours For The Taking - Chapter 2 - 01/28/2012 - Abandoned Work

Killing is in the nature of almost every Pokémon, but we humans have inhibited that out for the most part. It doesn't take much to trigger the instinct though. A couple kills and then they thirst for blood.

Now i know this looks like a WACK ASS PICK.  It’s been abandoned since 2012.  It’s bad.  It’s gore.  It’s bad.  But that’s exactly why I picked it.  That, and I know it would chap Farla’s ass bc she told me years ago how awful this fic was. The whole reason my writing confidence took a blow.  I can look back and know that this fic wasn’t great, but I hate for my younger self that they were knocked down like that.  You can’t learn the boundaries of your writing until you try to push them.  Maybe I could have turned into a great gore/horror writer if I hadn’t been knocked down?  Who knows?  But because of that negative experience, I now approach all comments I leave on fics with “unconditional positive regard”.  I firmly believe if someone wants con-crit they’ll ask for it, and even then, I’m not someone who is going to offer up that criticism.  That’s not my jam.  I’m just here for a good time.  This fic may be bad, but that’s why I love it.  I love how over the top, 2Edgy4me the two chapters are. 

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10 - Getaway Car - Chapter 5 - 01/01/2019 - Ongoing

Pulling away just enough to make them look at one another, Cynthia looked her over.  She was getting more drunk admissions than she ever thought she would, and she was in no frame of mind to worry about pushing her luck.  “How did that make you feel?” she asked. She let her hand trail down her arm as she spoke.  “Grounded.  Like nothing else in the world mattered except us in that moment.  I wasn’t worried about filming, deadlines, what people might say or think, or– anything, really.  All that mattered was the calm you brought me, and how without meaning to you’ve made me feel like the most important person in the room.”

It’s no secret that Getaway Car is like.  MY BABY.  This is MY FIC.  MY BABY.  I CHERISH THIS FIC FOR SO MANY REASONS. I like venting through characters, and this fic is no exception.  But I loved writing this moment specifically, because it just...I think it encapsulates everything Diantha has been looking for.  She lives a charmed, chaotic life.  Up to that point in the fic, she’s with a man who can’t really be bothered to give her the time of day, but also can’t handle the idea of letting her go.  Without meaning to, without necessarily trying to, Cynthia makes her feel like the most important person in the room.  She grounds her, and someone who lives a star-studded life needs that.  This fic is my baby.  My everything.  It’s probably what I’m known for at this point, and I’m A-OK with that because these two are my everything.  (ALSO, I specifically posted this fic when I did to get Farla to leave me a review, and had a good laugh about it when she did.  My “bat shit crazy” plot device has ended up being my most popular fic~)

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11 - Namtaflu - Chapter _ - Draft from NaNoWriMo 2019

The sound of something rising to the surface of the water attracted everyone’s attention.  Turning their eyes towards the water, one by one, countless Starmie and Staryu began to surface, floating atop the water, their bright gem center’s shining in the moonlight.  “Oh, wow,” Bianca said, holding the Audino closer to herself.  "What are they doing?” Hilbert asked, turning himself so he wasn’t having to strain to look at them.  Cheren shrugged.  “They’ve always done this.” "They’re looking at the stars,” Hilda added.  “It’s what Nona would always tell me.  She said she read it in a book somewhere.  They surface at night to look at the stars, and they’ll even start blinking here soon.”  As she said it, from out in the distance, quick flashes of red began to move along the waves, reminding both her and Cheren of fireflies from further south.  Soon enough, the entire shoreline was filled with the water pokémon blinking away at the stars, almost as if they were communicating with each other, or even something else.  A few Audino continued to sit with them, everyone moved to silence by the display, afraid to make a single noise, not wanting to scare them at all and make them stop.  The display moved in waves, like a heartbeat, ebbing and flowing.  At times they were bright enough to cast a glow onto the shore, and at others it seemed like they had collectively stopped for the night. Once Broadway and Manhattan had decided to retire for the night, the group came to an agreement that it was time they retired for the night as well.  They had stayed up long past sundown, but it had been worth every second.   

I won’t be posting this fic WELL until my three current ongoing fics are completed, but this fic is pretty much everything to me.  I first got the idea for this fic back in 2013, my senior year of high school.  I wrote the first draft my first NaNoWriMo in 2014, and did a second draft of it last year.  This fic has evolved SO MUCH, but this last draft is where I’m REALLY happy with it.  I firmly believe there’s never a “right time” to write a fic, but I also believe this fic absolutely benefited from me not posting it after that first draft.  They’re almost two entirely different stories.  The original had a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and this time, i decided, FUCK THAT, and now it’s a hilda/hilbert/cheren/bianca poly fic ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I can’t wait for the day when I actually get to share this fic with the world.