#actually speaking of jack i would like him and tim to meet

[the-mystical-aquatic-gay]

i’ve seen a couple crossovers of doctor who and the magnus archives, which is an amazing idea in general and i would like more

but what i think is potentially the best combination for that crossover that i have yet to see is nine + whichever iteration of the archives crew

imagine this horribly traumatized little ball of sunshine who just had to destroy his entire planet, meeting jonathan jarchivist sims

obviously what point in the tma canon it happened would massively change how that went but i would like to see it and honestly i’m this close to writing it myself

[lionwitch]

Ok, hear me out. An AU where Janet Drake is best friends with Lex Luthor, Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen.

They met in school, and she's a high society girl, not expected or allowed to be much more than a pretty face, but there's this trio of smart idiots (they did all sorts of stupid stuff at school, but they are overall very, very smart), and they're in all sorts of cool classes and extracurriculars, and she wants to learn

So, she snakes her way into the group with well-timed looks and blushes. They eventually include her in all their activities, and so she learns all sort of stuff that she usually wouldn't be allowed to learn, because they help her keep it in the down low. No, she's not taking classes with them, she's being a proper lady and cheering her smart friends on through the oh-so-hard classes.

At some point or another, they all develop a crush on her, fleeting as it may be (they're hormonal teens and they're required to flirt, it was bound to happen)

They flirt publicly, as it keeps the media from pressuring them into relationships— or so they thought. It backfires when they're adults, the media is demanding Janet settle down and stops leading all three of them on. But there would be a scandal if she picked any of them, so she picks Jack, someone who doesn't love her or she loves, but someone desperate enough to climb the social ladder to care if he loves his wife.

When he's not allowed to flirt anymore, that's where Bruce realizes that he actually liked her.

When Tim comes along, and Janet has to go on trips, she leaves him with her trusted friends. So, Tim learns a lot from his Uncle Lex, learns to shoot a bow from his Uncle Ollie, and loves staying with his Uncle Bruce and his children. He figures him out far too easily and does become Robin when Jason figures he's ready to pass on the mantle to his little brother (because they're brothers. Tim spends a lot of time in their house)

Bruce adores Tim, he really does. It just kinda hurts, that he's Janet's kid, but not his.

Eventually, Janet divorces Jack, and she gets to spend a lot more time in Gotham. But by now Tim is as much Bruce's as he is Janet's, so they co-parent the gremlin that is her son, which leads to a lot of time with Bruce.

Bruce treats her better than Jack ever did, and she trusts him far more. They have the memories of years together. Eventually, Bruce tells her the truth— that he never truly moved on from his best friend.

When they marry, sure it's a media circus, but also not a surprise.

She's also a good mom, to Tim as much as to Dick or Jason.

When Jason finds out Catherine is not his mom, sure he gets curious, but he has a mom already, he's happy. He does want to meet his bio mom, but he agrees to do so safely, not go alone. Fine, B, you can come with.

Joker never happens. Jason is disappointed when he finds his mom is not at all what he expected, and he has a much better one at home.

Eventually, when Damian comes into the picture, he's snappy with Janet. "you will never be my mother, you harlot!" but Janet simply puts a hand on his shoulder and speaks calmly, yet sharp as the blade he threatens her with

"You will not speak to me like that, boy. No, I am not your mother. But I am married to your father, and I hold the authority as such, so you will go up to your room, you will cool down, and you will never threaten or insult me again, or you will be grounded."

"You can't do that!"

"She can. She has my full permission to discipline my kids, Damian. In this house, she holds as much authority as I do." Bruce interjects

Damian, begrudgingly, learns to respect Janet, and eventually he does see her as a second mom

The amount of times Oliver or Lex visit the Wayne-Drake household is absurd, but sue them, they like their friends. This leads to a lot of chaos, because every time Oliver visits so does Roy, and Roy hangs out with Dick and Jason, while Damian sticks to glaring at everyone.

Meanwhile, they dote on Tim, because they sure as hell have a favourite nephew, and it's the one they watched grow inside the belly of one of their best friends, the one they all changed the diapers of, the one they've taught a lot of skills to, the one they helped raise in a way they never helped raise any of the other Wayne boys. They don't even try to hide their preference. Now, of course they like all their nephews, but it's always hilarious because when Tim is around his uncle Lex, he's ten times the evil mastermind he generally is, and Oliver encourages it, simply for the chaos, and so does Janet, while Bruce is downright terrified of the idea of Tim as a villain (everyone is)

[f4nd0m-fun]

DPxDC - Mafia Ties

Good parents Fenton and redeemed Vlad escaping to another universe with Danny, Jordan, Ellie, Jazz, Tucker, and Sam because of GIW chaos getting so bad they literally need to go to another world to get help, only for the portal to close, and they can't open it from this side. Jordan is Jazz's age maybe a year older and Ellie accidentally got deaged to her actual age give or take which is probably about a year and a half old. Yes it's the Family Breakfast ship.

@hallowsden

Cue Vlad doing his whole possession stuff to not only get them new identities but carefully accumulate a small amount of wealth, not enough to be suspicious in his opinion but still.

The Fenton parents start looking to see if/where this world has ectoplasm because the kids, and maybe Vlad, need it. Hel, maybe the parents accidentally need it too after all those years of exposure.

I know everyone chooses Gotham for this stuff, but also that's about the most I know about DC and it has a Lazarus pit underground so we're using it.

Vlad doesn't get back into the proper businessman profile, too many eyes for him to feel safe after the GIW disaster, but he does end up a Mafia boss, or at least tries. Also, Hood becomes a new 'son' obsession for him, yeah he has Danny and Jordan and Ellie but this kid is also ghosty and probably hungry or something, right?

Hood doesn't get what's up with this weird older man who always has a baby with him, let alone why he'd even bring a baby along to mafia stuff.

Vlad thinks it's safer to have Ellie in mafia meetings than be left with the Fentons during their research obsession periods because they will literally not pay attention to anything else unless it's an emergency, it's not their fault, they're learning to manage it though.

Speaking of Fentons, they work on clean energy manufacturing topside, but underground they deal with weapons. Mostly they supply them to Vlad's crew, since that's basically their testing grounds, but they also don't make anything that's actually lethal. Vlad isn't a fan of guns though but he isn't about to bring out his plasma blasts if there isn't a good reason. (He pretends anyone who sees him cackling like a maniac hit their head, he did say he hates using guns after all).

Jordan and Jazz are probably about 17/18 now. Jazz is going to college, while Jordan slips his way into the kid's mafia (yes he knows he's a kid now too, shut up, he used to be 24). This is half to annoy Vlad and half because he's curious. Jazz, of course, with a little help from both Vlad and Tucker in getting her grades moved between universes, is in college soon, and manages a full scholarship (not that Vlad wouldn't have paid if he still had his old money, in fact he might even be a little jealous that he wasn't the one to pay for her schooling).

Jordan looks a little more like Vlad than he does Jack, due to the way the ghost half fusion effects everything, but he also looks more like Jack than Maddie because Jack is what Danny would have grown into anyway.

Ellie of course just looks like a nearly carbon copy of Danny of course, just baby and female.

Danny, Sam, and Tucker are all going to Gotham Prep, if Vlad can't pay for Jazz's schooling then he's paying at just some for theirs (they might have partial scholarships but not full ride). Danny still sneaks out at night because he can't stand sitting still after a long time of being a vigilante and ends up running into the Bat. He promptly apologizes for invading his haunt and flees.

If any ships, I'm thinking Jazz/Jason and Jordan/Dick, but I'm a sucker for everlasting Trio and Tim also has a trio of his own.

Back to Ellie and Vlad. He of course is trying to keep any 'Meta' rumors on the downlow, but she's just a baby. The harness she's in is ghost proof mostly so she can't just phase out of it, but you try changing a baby's diaper and they just turn intangible, or put then down to nap when they start floating. Hel, imagine setting her down for two seconds, she accidentally makes a shield, and now she's crying because she wants to be held. Sure, Vlad and Danny both, Jordan and Ellie too, can go through shields in human form, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting or something. Eventually it gets figured out though.

I wonder how long it takes Jason to figure out that this Jordan fellow is related to Vlad. 😂

I also wonder what it would take for Vlad to actually use his ghost form outright, what kind of threat he'd expose himself to for the sake of his family. Just, shoving the kids at Jack - "Darling your aim is iced tea, let Maddie and myself handle this" - and doing what he has to.

And, yes, even as a Mafia boss he refuses to actually swear. Also, he probably still goes by Plasmius, the way his other form looks does NOT help the vampire rumors. Let alone the- well, I read a post on here a while ago where Ellie Danny and Jordan were deaged and needed his ectoplasm to survive. Imagine being a Plasmius goon in a meeting while he's trying to rock his baby to sleep and she's just sucking on his hand. You don't think much of it until you see he's bleeding and, even though it's technically red, your pretty sure it's glowing green and you're not sure if you want to ask (you won't but still). Plus, he's not even reacting to what must be a fair bit of pain, right?

Honestly, there's probably a betting pool about the whole weird family.

And of course I'm bringing in my Alfred Clockwork storyline. Flashpoint Thomas is Frighty, dead Thomas is Pariah, and Gotham is Martha. The moment Vlad finds out that Jason's grandparents are some of the most powerful ghosts in the realms (or at least this side of them in Gotham's case) he's like "okay I won't interfere, but maybe he'd like a friend? He doesn't seem to know a lot of ghosts.' (he tries to figure out which kid would be a better fit and that's when he finds out Jordan's been working for Hood this whole time. "You didn't tell me?" "You didn't know?!") 😂

Basically, give me a Mafia family who's major story plot isn't even the bats outright, it's just trying to survive after fleeing a world that may as well be destroyed at this point. Sure, they interact with the bats, cross paths, maybe even a couple relationships, but, overall, the Fenton-Masters are just outsiders in Gotham, learning to adjust to this new life.

[robinsegghead]

Danny's Daycare Part 11

[Master List]

Dragging himself off the couch (where he’d actually gotten a few hours of sleep- how’s that for ‘not normal’ Red Hood?), Danny checked his phone. He had a missed call from an unknown number two texts, one from Damian one from Tim, and a reminder that Damian was coming over sometime after noon.

Tim: No worries, Danny. I hope everything’s all right?

Danny decided to respond to that later when he heard the bedroom door open and remembered he needed to get breakfast started. Hopping up, he moved to the kitchen, feeling lighter than he had in weeks, and started searching for food.

“‘Morning.” Santi murmured, taking a seat on the stools across the island from Danny. “Wha’s t’eat?”

He’d learned early on that the boys’ Gotham accent was even thicker after waking up and had to keep himself from cooing at how adorable it was. You’re not their dad, chill.

“Looks like….” Danny pulled out the container Red Hood had left the night before and read the little note he also included. Gallo Pinto, make some eggs and toast to go with it- there’s plenty so actually eat it, Danny. -Red Hood “Something called Gallo Pinto. I just have to make some eggs.” He ignored the pointed remark about eating the food and he definitely ignored the part about toast.

Santi sighed and placed his head against the counter. 

“You okay, kid?” 

The boy nodded. “‘M tired. Miguel’sa bed hog.”

Danny laughed. “Looks like you and I have something in common.” Santi looked up, questioningly. “Older siblings who hog the bed. I bet he steals the covers too, huh?” When the boy nodded Danny chuckled again. “Yeahhh…. They always use the ‘I’m bigger’ arguement too.”

“‘F I had a younger siblin’ I’d do it to ‘em too.” Santi sighed. “Did you do it ta Dani?”

“No I… I never had the opportunity.”

Santi tilted his head. “How come?”

He hadn’t told the boys much about himself, though he never held back information it usually just didn’t come up. He wondered though… if they outright asked him about certain things, Phantom, ghosts, Jack and Maddie, would he tell them? “We didn’t grow up together really.”

“But she’s yer sister.”

“Yes, well… I… didn’t meet her until I was fifteen and she was twelve and even after that we didn’t spend much time together. She spent her teenage years traveling and I- well I didn’t.” He let out a puff of air, Santiago was clearly very interested in this topic so he continued. “Dani’s a free spirit, she’s always come and gone as she pleased and well… I couldn’t be happier that shes’s decided to stay here for a little while. Don’t tell her but I kind of missed her.” He stage whispered the last sentence as if she would overhear him.

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. His door opened and closed without so much as a knock and then a very familiar face walked around the corner. “What’s to eat? I'm starving!” She exclaimed obnoxiously.

~~~

“So this friend of yours…” Miguel trailed off, Danny waited in silence for him to finish his sentence. “So your friend….” Danny nodded. “You have friends?”

Dani cackled while Danny huffed, exasperated. “Of course I have friends!” Miguel and Santiago shared doubting looks. “Listen, I just don’t have a lot of time to hang out with people. But there’s Sam and Tucker, we’ve been friends forever, and then Valerie joined the group- oh and Wes is definitely a friend too. We became friends towards the end of high school though so we don’t keep up as much. But yeah, I have friends.”

“Dude.” Santiago breathed. “That’s like… four people.”

“I’m pretty sure every friend is canceled out by an enemy so you’re at net 0 brother.” Dani laughed. “The negatives even.”

Miguel frowned. “You have enemies?”

Danny’s rebuttal was cut off by the knocking at their door- saved by the bell, well, sort of. Metaphorically. Damian was on the other side of the door, wearing slacks and a nice sweater (why was the kid always so dressed up?) and had a bag in one hand weighed down by (theoretically) cat stuff.

“Hi Damian!” Danny greeted. “Come on in!” He’d noticed throughout the time he’d known Damian that the boy was rather proper. He was always dressed nicely, always spoke politely, his posture was perfect, and he had an air about himself… like he knew his importance. He supposed it was good that the kid had that much confidence- maybe it would rub off on Miguel a bit.

Leading Damian to the dining room (which was really just a table in the kitchen), Danny started introduction. “I know you guys met briefly at the store-”

“You’re that guy whose brother goes by dick!” Santiago laughed.

Damian quirked an eyebrow. “Yes, Richard insists on going by it which I think is absurd.”

Santiago quirked his head. “Why you talk like that, man?”

“OKAY!” Danny clapped his hands together. “Let’s not be rude to my friend who is here to do us a favor and teach you boys about owning a cat, capeesh?” The boys nodded, Santiago sheepishly, and Damian untensed slightly. “Miguel, Santi, why don’t you show Damian your apartment and he can answer any of your questions.”

The boys nodded and Damian followed them without a word. The second they were out of earshot Dani gave him a Look. 

“What?” Danny asked defensively.

“Oh my Ancients.” She breathed, her eyes widened as if she’d just realized something.

Danny looked between where Damian had disappeared and his freaking-out sister. “What?”

“Nothing. You’re a dumbass.” She stood up and stretched. “This has been fun but I’ve got some things to see to, people to visit, you know…” She trailed off.

Pursing his lips, Danny tried not to ask. He’d suspected for a while that she was hiding something from him, but he didn’t know what or why. And he didn’t want to know. She was free to keep things to herself, he didn’t need to know everything she was doing at all times. “Okay- don’t forget, tutoring with Jason starts a week from tomorrow and you might learn a thing or two from him.”

“Pffff.” She waved a hand at him dismissively. “I’m already great at English!”

He deadpanned her. “You remember who you’re made from, right?”

~~~

“Do either of you have any questions?” Damian asked, looking between the two boys who’d been listening to his instructions without interruption for the past thirty minutes. When he’d met them- or, re-met them, he’d thought they would be incapable of listening to his expertise without butting in constantly, but he’d been wrong.

Miguel and Santiago shared looks, the older one was the first to speak up. “I don’t think so. Guess we can always ask Danny if we think of anythin’ later on.” He shrugged.

Knowing that Danny was not only new to owning cats but also incredibly busy, Damian hesitantly offered his own number. “If you ever have questions that Nightingale cannot answer or is not around to answer… you may… call or text me.”

“Oh shit man, really?” Santiago blurted out.

Miguel smacked him upside the head but it seemed to be more of a brotherly affection than anything else. “Manners, man.”

“Right, uh. Sorry.” Santiago offered. “Just excited I guess, we never got a pet before.”

Damian knew the feeling. When father had first agreed to letting him get a cat he’d been ecstatic. One cat, dog, and cow later and Damian was still excited any time he rescued a new animal or was able to get another one himself. “That is understandable, I too was excited to get my first pet.” Checking his watch, he stood. He still had homework to do before patrol tonight. “I should be going, but let me know how things are going once you’ve gotten all of the necessary supplies and have fallen into a routine.”

After saying goodbye to Danny and heading out Damian couldn’t help but hope the boys would text him. He pushed the sentiment away quickly. They either would or would not message him and it did not matter either way.

~~~

  “So Danny’s like- not human, right?” And wasn’t that a crazy way to start a conversation?

“Hi Santi, what happened to hi? Hello? How are you? My name is?” Miguel joked back, not taking his eyes off the textbook in front of him.

His younger brother groaned. “Come ooooon! There’s somethin’ weird ‘bout him! He’s gotta be a meta, right?” 

Spinning his pencil, Miguel responded absentmindedly. “What makes you say that?”

“‘Member when he was having a long day last week and accidentally ripped the handle off the fridge ‘cause it wouldn’t open? Or how ‘bout when I left some stuff here the other day and came ta get it while he was at work an’ he was also here? And at dinner that night I asked ‘im how work was and he said it was good?”

Miguel hummed. “Maybe he took that day off and didn’t want us to think he was bein’ a helicopter parent.”

“AH HA!” Santiago shouted, jumping to his feet and pointing. “You called him a parent!”

The older boy groaned. “Santi- I didn’t mean- look, he’s like five years older than me! At most he’s like an older brother and even then-”

“Tell me again how ‘e chased down your kidnappers and kicked their asses? Or how safe you felt when he moved you out of the way of danger? Or how he checked on us a buncha times at night and got you anythin’ you asked for?”

Miguel groaned, completely forgetting about the textbook as his brother listed off more times Danny was ‘meta like’ or ‘dad shaped’. It wasn’t untrue- but Miguel had said he didn’t want Danny to play parent and he meant it. He’d had parents, he knew how that song and dance went, and he wasn’t looking to suffering it again. 

Danny was cool, he fed them, helped them with school stuff, took care of them, all the things a parent did, but he didn’t get on them about curfew, or eating their vegetables, or grades, or any of that bullshit parents got upset about. He was cool. And safe.

He didn’t remember a lot from his kidnapping- Danny said that was probably for the best- but he remembered a lot of loud noises at one point and how badly he wanted them to stop. And all at once they did. After that there was a voice, it was comforting, calming, and gentle hands that held him close. Danny had told him after the fact that he’d moved Miguel away from the danger and had Red Robin take him home.

Because apparently Danny wasn’t done. Miguel had no idea how many guys Danny took out, but any amount was too much. After the way Miguel had treated him, the way he’d yelled at Danny and got mad at him for just trying to help- Miguel didn’t deserve Danny’s help.

“Are you even listenin’?” Santiago asked, leaning close.

“So what if he ain’t human? Meta’s’re cool.” Miguel argued.

Santiago looked at him like he’d said something stupid. “Obviously. But Batman hates ‘em! What if he finds out ‘n kicks Danny outta Gotham!” 

Anxiety clawed at Miguel’s insides but he pushed it down in favor of quelling his brothers’. “That aint’ gonna happen dumbass. Batman don’t care ‘bout Danny bein’ a upstandin’ citizen.”

“Hey guys,” Danny knocked on the door and leaned into Miguel’s room. “Dani wants to go out for a couple of hours this afternoon, go shopping, get food, stuff like that. You guys want to come?”

The boys looked at each other, knowing why Dani was trying to get him out of the apartment. “Nah, got work to do.” Miguel answered casually. 

“Okay… Santi?” 

Miguel froze.

“‘M good, gonna stay with Mick.” Santi answered, unperturbed.

Danny shrugged and left them to their work. When Miguel was sure he was gone he whipped around to Santiago. “You let him call you Santi? Since when?”

His brother bit his bottom lip nervously. “Uh… when… he called me that when I… when you were…”

Right. That made sense. High stress moments make people form bonds or whatever. Jazz said something about that the last time she’d swung by. She was never around for long, just enough to ask the boys about themselves and make sure Danny was eating and sleeping (he wasn’t). “Do you… want ‘im to call you that?”

Up until this point, Miguel had been the only person allowed to call him that nickname.

“I mean… I kind of… like it?” Santi mumbled. “He’s just so nice and he takes care of us and- and I- I… he’s okay- okay?”

Feeling a twinge of guilt and jealousy, Miguel shrugged. “You can let anyone call you whatever you want, Santi.” The two worked in silence for a moment before Miguel’s phone buzzed. “Dani says they’ll be gone for at least three hours ‘n that we can get to work now.”

“I still can’t believe he didn’t tell us ‘bout his birthday.” Santiago huffed as he stood up and followed his brother out of their apartment and to Danny’s.

Miguel shrugged. “He don’t know ours. Maybe he don’t like it?”

They could both understand that a bit. Birthdays were a touchy subject for them, maybe that was the case for Danny?

~~~

Danny was kind of oblivious a lot of the time, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know why his younger sister had dragged him out of his apartment for a multi-hour shopping trip on his birthday after very obviously not mentioning his birthday. He tried not to think too much about what the boys might have been dragged into back home while his sister buys anything she sees and likes.

To be fair, she really did need some stuff for her apartment, she’d furnished it almost immediately after moving in, but she lacked decorations. Dani was a maximalist, she liked displaying her knick knacks from her trips around the world, covering every piece of furniture in pillows and blankets, and making the place feel overall, homey. Something Danny wasn’t as good at.

(Where the hell did she get that from? It certainly wasn’t him. His and the boy’s apartments were  true testament to his lack of decorating skills and although he’d offered the boys many times to take them shopping for decorations and whatnot it seemed they felt similarly about the subject.)

“Danny come on!” Dani sighed dramatically. “You’ve been dragging your feet all dayyyy!”

With a scoff, Danny picked up the pace. Luckily they’d already been shopping for a few hours and she had promised this was the last store. He froze when he saw the store. “I am not going in there with you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be such a boy. It’s just bras.”

“It’s not the bras- it’s shopping for bras for my sister. Not happening.” He was putting his foot down on this one. Dani shrugged and disappeared into the store for way longer than he’d expected. Finding a nearby bench to sit down on, Danny pulled out his phone.

Tim: Astronomy, huh? 

Danny: Yeah its like the only thing Im good at

Danny: After science that is

Tim: And running a daycare apparently

Danny: In my defense I didnt know Id be good at that until I did it

Tim: You’re telling me you just kind of…. Did it?

Tim: No thoughts?

Danny: Something like that

Tim: Dude. What the fuck

Danny: Okay, your turn. Hobbies?

The two had been talking on and off for the last week since Danny had reached out but they were both incredibly busy and often only sent a couple of texts a day. Dani’s impromptu shopping trip gave him a good excuse.

Tim: Skateboarding and photography

Danny: Thats so cool! I remember you said you were going skateboarding with your boyfriend?

Tim: Yeah one of them

One of them? Danny looked up for a moment, his brain rebooting to understand- what the fuck? He couldn’t even get one partner and Tim had two?! How was that fair? Shaking his head, Danny responded.

Danny: Thats cool, does the other one not skateboard?

Tim didn’t respond quickly enough before Dani came rushing out of the store with a large pink bag and a big smile. Danny put his phone away and picked up the myriad of of bags he’d been tasked with carrying throughout their shopping spree. 

“Is that everything?” He asked, trying to keep the whine out of his voice.

She rolled her eyes, carrying only the bag from the last shop they’d been to. “Yes, Danny. We can go home now Ancients, you’re so impatient!”

“I don’t know where you got your love of shopping from but it was not me!” He was just grateful they could fly home invisible and intangible and it wouldn’t take long although it would take a bit longer than if he weren’t weighed down by a dozen shopping bags.

They got to the apartment building a few minutes later, stopping in Dani’s apartment first to drop off the bags- he hadn’t bought anything after all. 

Dani set everything down then gave her brother a thoughtful look. “I wanna say hi to the boys.”

“O…kay?” Since when did she need his permission to say hi to the boys? Before he could ask she’d grabbed his hand and dragged him from her apartment to his. She made a lot of noise trying to open the door instead of phasing through which was strange but Danny was tired.

As the door opened he noted that the lights were all off- maybe the boys were in their apartment? Now that he was thinking about it- hadn’t they been at their place when he and Dani had left earlier? Why did she assume they’d bein his-

“SURPRISE!” The lights flickered on as a chorus of voices shouted at him.

Startling slightly, Danny gained his bearings. Standing in his living room were the boys, Sam, Tucker, Jazz, Valerie, and Wes, all wearing party hats and smiling widely at him. He hadn’t spent his birthday with anyone in a few years so he hadn’t expected anything like this. He probably should have.

“Happy birthday, little brother!” Jazz exclaimed, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Dude! You should have seen the look on your face!” Tucker laughed, joining in the hug Jazz had started. Sam joined too and for a moment Danny felt completely at peace.

Someone shoved through the tangle of limbs and bodies. “Yeah yeah, happy birthday Nightingale.” Valerie scoffed.

“Man you didn’t tell us you had kids!” Wes shouted from the couch.

Danny made his way into the living room and collapsed into an armchair, exhausted from the shopping. “That’s because I don’t.” He thought he caught a frown flit across Miguel’s face but he pressed on. “But they’re good kids and I’m happy to talk about them. Is there food? I’m starving?” He hoped getting the focus off of the boys would help them feel a bit more comfortable.

He wasn’t exactly unhappy that everyone was visiting- he was incredibly grateful they’d taken the time to come all this way and spend his birthday with him but he was worried. The boys had been forced to socialize with people they didn’t know without anyone they knew there to act as a buffer. Sure they’d met Jazz a few times, but they were more comfortable around Dani than they were around her.

Miguel especially didn’t like when there was a lot of attention put on him.

“Of course there is! I brought a meat platter-” Tucker started.

“And I brought a veggie platter and vegan dip.” Sam cut in.

Valerie rolled her eyes. “I ordered pizzas- meat lovers and vegan.”

“I brought drinks!” Jazz offered.

Wes looked around. “Well shit- no one told me to bring anything! Besides I just got off a double shift at the Planet and drove her right after! I haven’t even showered in two days!”

“So that’s what that smell is.” Danny smirked.

Overall, it was a success. The boys seemed to loosen up once everyone started eating and relaxing, Valerie played with the kittens (who were getting quite big at this point) while catching up with Jazz, and Wes was ranting about work.

“I mean- the guy “gets a few interviews with superman” and suddenly he’s like the go to guy! He’s literally superman! That isn’t investigative journalism! It’s an autobiography!” Wes shouts, finishing his rant by stuffing the rest of the pizza in his mouth.

Sam snorts. “Wes, come on, Clark Kent is not Superman.”

Wes gave her a Look. “This is high school all over again! I told everyone I knew who Phantom was- and I was right!” Danny gave him a pointed look before glancing at the boys. “I know who Superman is, I’m ninety-eight percent sure I know who each of the Gotham vigilantes are, I’ve got the Flashes figured out, and no one believes me!”

Miguel tilted his head. “Who’s Phantom?”

Now you’ve done it. Danny glares at his friend. “Small town hero from our hometown. No one’s seen him in years though so you couldn’t possibly know who he is.”

Looking between the curious teenager and the possibly enraged eldritch being that could tear him apart with the snap of his fingers, Wes chose life. “Yeah… you’re probably right.” 

Tucker and Sam laughed as Wes slunk to the kitchen to get more food. “Don’t worry Wes! I’m sure the Planet will recognize your brilliance soon and you can score your own interview with Clark Kent- sorry- Superman.” 

~~~

Turns out, Dani had only bought a bra so she could disguise her gift for Danny in a bag she knew he wouldn’t carry for her. He hadn’t expected gifts but upon opening them he couldn’t have been more grateful. Jazz’s gift had been a yearly pass to the planetarium and observatory in downtown Gotham. She mentioned that he was allowed to bring one free guest with him every visit.

Sam, Tucker, and Valerie had gotten him a bunch of new space themed clothes, blankets, and books- including a new book he’d been debating getting for a while.

Wes promised his gift was coming but ‘it was a bit sensitive and he’d understand when it arrived’. That only worried Danny a lot.

Dani had gotten him the newest model of the Celestron telescope. There was no way a store was just carrying one of those, she’d have to have ordered it specially. Turning it over he found his name engraved into it along with his favorite constellation. He almost cried.

(He did).

The cake was delicious, Miguel and Santiago ate more than Danny thought they should have (but he wasn’t their dad and wasn’t going to tell them to slow down) and ended up in a sugar coma for the rest of the evening. He moved them to his bed and closed the door so he and his friends wouldn’t wake them (What? He didn’t have to be their dad to take care of them like one).

“So Danny,” Wes started. He was on one side of the couch, his legs on top of Tucker and Sam’s laps who were leaning against each other. Jazz had taken his armchair from earlier with Dani sitting on the arm which left the spot next to Valerie on the loveseat. Ironic. “You didn’t tell us you had kids.” He repeated from earlier.

Sighing, Danny closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headrest. “Like I said, they aren’t my kids. I didn’t just say that for their benefit or something.”

Everyone nodded slowly, giving each other looks, but Tucker spoke up. “Sure, but like… you house them, clothe them, feed them, tutor them, love them, protect them… That’s kind of like a dad, no?”

“Not my dad.” Danny shot back nonchalantly. 

Jazz winced. “But like a dad should be.” She added quietly.

He thought about it for a moment. “I’m only five years older than Miguel-”

“Does that really matter?” Valerie snorted.

Shooting her a look, Danny started again. “I’m only five years older than Miguel and nine years older than Santi but if I could legally adopt them and call them mine, I would. It’s not like anything would change if I did, really. I wouldn’t suddenly be overbearing or whatever, but I promised Miguel when he agreed to let me help them that I would not try to parent them. So I’m not. 

“I’m doing what I said I would. Clothing, feeding, housing them, that’s easy, loving and protecting them is something I was going to do whether or not they agreed to let me help. But I’m not going to call them my kids,” not out loud anyway. “I’m not going to… tell them they can’t have more cake than they should or give them a curfew or ground them or- I… I’m not going to parent them unless they outright ask for it.” He finished with a shrug.

The room was quiet for a moment.

“Who would’ve guessed C+ average Nightingale would be the first with a prominent career and kids?” Valerie joked, elbowing Danny in the ribs.

The room erupted in laughter as everyone started bringing up different ideas of where they thought he’d be at twenty-two (twenty-three now) and it was definitely not ‘Daycare owner in Gotham with two pseudo kids’.

Once everyone had calmed down, Danny asked the question he’d been afraid of asking all afternoon. “When do you guys head out?” It had been so nice seeing his friends again, he hadn’t realized how badly he’d missed them since moving to Gotham.

“Well- about that.” Sam chuckled. “I actually got a job under a prominent scientist I’ve been obsessed with since like- forever- so I’ll be moving to Gotham soon.”

“What? Sam that’s- that’s great!” Danny spluttered.

Tucker nodded. “Obviously I’m moving here too and I’ve got a job interview lined up with Wayne Industries.”

“You’re joking.” 

His friends grinned, shaking their heads. 

“You mean, you two are going to live in Gotham?” They nodded. “Jazz and Dani are already here, and Wes is just in Metropolis,” He turned to Valerie. “What do I have to do to get you out here?”

Raising an eyebrow, Valerie scoffed. “As if I’d move all the way to Gotham city New Jersey to be near you weirdos. I’m only friends with you because my life was boring before.”

“So you’re saying we’re exciting?” Dani chimed in.

“I’m saying there’s never a dull moment with you weirdos.”

Danny shrugged, leaning into Valerie much to her dismay. “Four out of six isn’t bad- plus Wes is within driving distance. But I’ll find a way to get you guys here. Just watch, I’ll climb the social ladder, own this city, and bribe you here with crazy good jobs.”

They all laughed. After all, that was a ridiculous notion.

Prev. Next

[intimidating-fettuccine]

Can we have more tea from the mansion? 👉👈

Click here for part 4, which has links to the other three parts

Some of the upstairs floors several years ago had not yet been reinforced (as they have in the present day), and so they were quite weak and fragile. Due to this, everyone was told to be careful and not do anything like roughhousing upstairs. Well, before the floors were reinforced, there were two specific instances. Firstly, Toby got a new pogo stick and Tim warned him NOT to use it upstairs. Toby did, in fact, use it upstairs and he ended up breaking through the ceiling. The second time, Sully and Jeff had gotten into a fight, and Sully suplexed Jeff into the floor, causing both of them to go through. Toby, Jeff, and Sully were required to partake in doing the renovations.

The only time LJ and Jason have ever really had a lasting fight was before one of Jason's galas. As I've said before, he attends many balls and galas in the Underworld so he can remain in the upper class in the Underworld. Well, for these he always dresses up to the nine's in very fancy and original outfits every single time. Before an important one, LJ and Jason were joking around, but as Jason was getting dressed he told Jack to calm down. Jack did not calm down, and he ended up accidentally breaking and spilling a bottle of red wine Jason was going to gift someone on Jason's outfit. Jason was the angriest Jack had ever seen him, and the two didn't speak for months because Jason was so upset, although they talked through it eventually.

Most of the residents have a variety of stuffed animals of some kind. When Sally feels lonely, sometimes she borrows some of their plushies before returning them because she's too shy to ask for them. If anyone notices a plushie is missing, Sally sneaks the plushie next to Smile Dog and says it was him. They all know it's actually Sally, but they don't want to make her upset so they always give Smile a fake lecture and some consolation treats after.

Slender has an incinerator on the property for disposal purposes on the side of the mansion, kind of close to it. When managed correctly this causes no issue, however, Toby one day through some stuff in there he shouldn't have. This caused the incinerator to light on fire, which almost caused the mansion to light on fire. Luckily the damage once they'd finished putting it out wasn't too bad thanks to the incinerator being on concrete, but had it been on the grass Toby would have started a forest fire. Everyone has now lost privileges of access to it and only Slender may use it.

When Jeff first came to the Underworld he was scared and nervous and that caused him to lash out a lot. However, he nearly gave Slender a heart attack one day because Jeff, having to meet Zalgo (as Zalgo is aware of all residents in the Underworld and needs to be aware of any other demons bringing in humans), was not really aware that Zalgo was the king of the Underworld. In fact, he looked up at him in all his anxiety and said, quite loudly and obnoxiously, "Who the fuck is this guy? Why do I have to meet him?" Slender nearly strangled him then and there, but it was pretty obvious Jeff regretted it the moment he said it and Zalgo thought it was funny. Zalgo still teases Slender about that instance to this day.

[pastamansta]

🔥 Tim Burton (him as a person or his aesthetic, your choice!)

"Beetlejuice" (1988) reminds me a lot of another film I watched recently; "Tombstone" (1993). Sold by an aesthetic and a FANTASTIC performance from a side character, audiences were conned into loving a mediocre film. I'm not Lindsey Ellis, so don't expect me to talk about the cartoon.

"Batman" (1989) and its sequel is proof that Burton will not be giving up his aesthetic for God or money. Gotham is heavily disconnected from both the film and its source material, with little reason other than its director. There's a reason no one calls these "Keaton's Batmans," they call them "Burton's Batmans." Jack Nicholson is great as The Joker, but that's no hot take. The hot take is that Devito is too horny as The Penguin, and it makes me uncomfortable for a film that's already so sexual.

"Edward Scissorhands" (1990) is a bitter, bitter film where artist finally meets muse. Not, like, in the plot, but in the production. Depp and Burton were made for eachother... or at least that's what I'm supposed to think. This movie's just too messy, however, and can't decide where its focal point lies and leaves me wishing I had just watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (2000) instead.

"Sleepy Hollow" (1999) leaves me, a fan of the original text, I know that's probably a weird thing to say, miffed, even if understanding. Outside of some pacing issues, it's a bold reimagining that feels like Burton attempting to get out of his comfort zone... but I just didn't need this story to be turned into an homage to B-horror. Go watch that Disney short, eh?

"Big Fish" (2003) is his best film. I am hardly qualified to speak on it, and even if I did, I would cry. So, you know, just go watch that shit.

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (2005) is destined to be compared to "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" (1971), and why wouldn't it? In thirty-four years since the making of the original, not a single person worth listening to said "i need this done right," including Burton himself, which is why he tries to add so much, but no amount of additions changes the fact that he casted his muse instead of someone who could, you know, act like Wonka? So, you know, destined for failure and to be loved by everyone who won't watch movies made before 1987.

"Corpse Bride" (2005) is one of only two claymation films that Burton would actually direct, and he uses this time to steal a Jewish story and make it less Jewish. I don't like the ending or the songs and it feels like it could be cut in half and achieve the same effect.

"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (2007) literally doesn't have the iconic opening number from the stage play??? Overall, there's rarely a pairing of source material and director that works as well as this one... If only I enjoyed the source material, eh? So dark, so bitter, so edgy, so... nothing. I never think about this movie. When I do, I think of Mrs. Lovett's dream sequence and remember the good old days of "Big Fish" (2003) when Burton liked to use color.

"Alice in Wonderland" (2010) is one of my guiltiest pleasures in all of film. It is the reason why every time Disney announces a live-action remake, my ears perk up. If all of them were as wild, unhinged, original, creative, and inspired as this one... Well, I think Disney might not be fucking bleeding money right now. No one ever even mentions that it's a sequel to the original animated film. A SEQUEL, not a remake. Sometime movie-goers surprise me with how little they think.

"Frankenweenie" (2012) blows. I don't care how unique it is, I do not like it.

"Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children" (2016) is one of the funniest remnants of the teen dystopia genre. Like, it hardly applies, but is trying SO HARD that it's unbelievable. Also, props to Mr. "Black People Aren't My Aesthetic" for casting Samuel L. Jackson as a dude who eats white babies. (I do not mean that.) Seriously, this is proof that Burton, as a modern director, should no longer be taken seriously.

"Dumbo" (2019) is AAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHA I FUCKING HATE THIS DUDE HOLY SHIT

If I didn't mention, I haven't seen it. Yes, I know I skipped some big ones. I may watch them one day, but I am in no rush.

[elvesandlanterns]

Ghost Helpline chapter 40

Secrets before dinner 3

Jack peered closely at the green vials, “No way, you actually pulled off recreating a medical grade ecto degecto?!!”

“What like it’s hard?” This bitch.

Before the two could start another fight Ziyad placed their hand down on the little vamps shoulder. Ziyad took over the conversation quickly, “This is great Wilbur, I assume were being given the test batch?”

“Well I cant just go around poisoning my patients now can I？” the manic man laughed, “Though I suppose I can but that would be bad for business.”

Ziyad held back sighs, he admittedly hated working with Wilbur but this was for the greater good. Magical creatures (half breeds his mind unwontedly whispered to him) in the mortal world needed healthcare, and they surly weren’t getting it. Trust came hard to them. Understandably. And while king Phantom was doing his best he couldn’t be everywhere at once. And even if he could be there would always be a sour taste at accepting aide from royalty.

No instead people were more willing, happier even to seek out black market healing guilds like Wilburs. At least then you knew exactly what the catch is.

“Im sure your clientele appreciate it.” Ziyads smile stretched thin. He really hated working with Wilbur, “Speaking of your clientele, when can I schedule my sister to see you?”

Ecto degecto was still in its infancy of being considered a universal blood type for magic kind, but for the death touched it was a necessity. A necessity they weren’t even sure she needed or not. It would be best to check, and Wilburs guild was good at gathering info on his sisters illness. It probably helped that their family paid him so well. Ziyad thought as he bit the inside of his cheek raw.

—- —- ——

Tims heart raced, his sister? His sister?!!! Tim could sill remember the first time he saw the Masters family. The were all gathered about laughing and smiling. They looked so happy.

She looked happy, wheelchair bound and attempting to run her siblings down.

He’d been jealous. Jealous and sad. And suddenly any thoughts of Vlad Masters being some up and coming big bad had disappeared from his mind and he sold his old empty house on the spot. As if the money could somehow be as warm as that laughter.

No no after that first meeting he never suspected Vlad Masters.

He should have suspected his son. Tim grimaced at his own sense of vindication. Guess there not such a happy family after all.

— —- ——

Jason was actually properly shocked at what he heard. …Was …..was this guy EXPERIMENTING on his sister!!! Green threaded to swallow him whole, how dare he! How dare he hurt someone like that! Hurt his family! Hurt a kid.

Holy shit the kid!

Was the kid his sister?? They needed to intervene now!

This sick fuck is going down.

—- —- —-

Jack wasn’t named after anyone in particular. Violet had renamed him far before she had met the Masters family. Far before they knew. /that/ story. Before any of the kids knew about any of the stories that came before them and by then the name Jack had stuck. But being called Red, even as a code name, felt special in its own way.

Violet and Red like a ridiculous beautiful color combination a pair idiots would make up. And they did. Violet, Konstelacio and Red, Jack. The first time around he had been named Jack because it was common, grounding, easy to play off as foreigner trying to fit in. It was practical. But Red? Red was like roses and hearts and blood and Violet. Like being renamed to compliment her entirely. It made him feel secure.

Now if only it also wasn’t also so common.

“It’s Red —-Red——!”

What ?

All Jack heard was his own name as he tripped over the side of a table clutching his stomach as a bullet wizzed by. Crying out as the bond between him and Violet chooses right then and there to flare up terribly.

“Red!”

“Kid! Oh my gods they shot Red!”

—- —- —-

Ziyad feels something off. Gotham was full of shades and shadows and spirts. He had grown use to the felling of being watched but this felt different. Different he scoured the warehouse turning his eyes up the window just as glass shatters to the ground, damn it, “Its Red Hood and Red Robin!! Get down!” He cant reach Jack before he falls yelping in pain clutching his side, he can hear Wilburs yell clearly too clearly, “Kid! Oh my gods! They shot Red!”

He’ll think about how horrible he is later. Later in bed he’ll think about what Reds blood hands and never seeing that kid in the kitchen at fucking midnight ever again. How he’d never get to hear him and — argue over mechanics and science ever again. Later he’ll think about how lucky they all are to not be mortal. Later, later Ziyad will tear himself apart over his piss poor decision making.

But in the moment all he can think about as he sees the kid get shot is, ‘shit, Violets never going to forgive me.’

He doesn’t think at all as Red Hood rounds closer to them, doesn’t pull back his punch because whoever this guy is he is most defiantly not mortal. Not anymore. And while Ziyad might not be a halfa, he is also defiantly not mortal. He doesn’t think and punched Red Hoods helmet hard enough to crack it.

—- —- —-

Jason is momentarily thrown at the shout of “Oh my gods! They shot Red!” Whipping his head around to look at Tim. Tim whose throat he cut, Tim who he hurt and ignored and mistreated. He looks for only a second and a second is all the man needs to get one over on him.

Gripping his head Jason dodges a kick rights himself back up. The kid is on the floor behind them, shes on the floor. Just like Tim. Jason hadn’t been aiming at her. He didn’t mean to.

Swing. The bastard doesn’t let up for a minute and it takes too long for him to realize the space growing between them and the kid until its to late. Beanie guy throwing various liquids at Red Robin as he yanks the pink teen up harshly and makes a dash for it. Whatever he threw at Tim is turning to smoke, odviscating his view of the man he’s fighting.

All he can see is green eyes. All Jason can hear is Tim choking on smoke. On his own blood. On the blood Jason put there.

Oh it is on!

—- —- ——

The vigilantes take stalk of their surroundings. The men had run off with the case of lazerous water but several crates remained, Marked with letters SBS. Tim walked over to the closest one, he had work to do.

He does his best to block out the sound of Jason behind him, he cant do this right now. He cant. Focus on the case. Focus on the case. This was way bigger than the initial drug ring he assumed it would be and he needed as much info as he could get.

“I need an explanation Tim! And I need one now.” He heard his brother growled out, lovely.

Ignoring his questions he pried the top of the box open. What the hell. What the actual hell? This wasn’t drugs or lazerous water this was so much worse.

“Jason shut up.”

“Fuck no you -“

“Jason shut up and look.”

The crate was insulated, cold. And filled with blood bags.

[1987vampire]

Proxies x reader NSFW HCs

alot of these scenes will actually most likely end up in this story im writing lmao, so stick around if you want to see them fleshed out

Let's get the obvious beginner out of the way.

Toby is a tits man, Brian likes ass, and Tim is happy with whatever (he likes tits more he just doesn't want to be rude)

Now, let's start with Toby

Toby is the most submissive bottom you will meet in your life.

Has slipped a bit too far into subspace a few times, and you've had to stop immediately once you realized.

Motherfucker just wants to be dommed and dommed hard. Just tell him what to do, please.

Has the biggest fucking mommy kink (which contributes to his love for tits because the motherfucker will lavish those bitches like no other when given the chance)

Also has the biggest praise kink you will ever see. Has came embarrassingly fast because you called him your good boy.

99 percent of his knowledge of sex comes from porn so,, he's going to have to be retaught most everything.

Has definitely groped your tit too hard on multiple occasions because he thought it was the right thing to do.

Surprisingly good learner, though. Just wants to make you happy.

He's the best one for quickies out of all of them only because he cums extremely fast while still prioritizing you.

(He makes up for how fast he cums by how many times he can do it. Motherfucker will paint you white all over before his body gives out. Plus, his CIPA makes it to where he can't feel the burning in his legs as he fucks you for hours. Has literally kept going until his body gave out because you wanted him to.)

All the boys have very specific thoughts on oral. Toby will give or receive, whichever makes you happier, but when he's allowed to go down on you, it's like you're his last meal.

It's one of the only time's he'll disobey your commands because it doesn't matter if you've already came three times??? He's still eating, lady, shhh.

Tried to dom one (1) time. Not doing that again. Dude started crying half-way through because he thought he was hurting you and your feelings by ordering you around.

You had to pause and take a bath with him afterwards while he calmed down. He spent half the bath blubbering into your neck and apologizing more times than you could count.

Now, Brian is the exact opposite of Toby.

You asked to try and let him be the bottom a single time and he fucked you so hard you couldn't walk the next day.

A little shithead who loves blowjobs. Will give you head, but much prefers you on your knees with him stuffed so far in that he’s tapping the back of your throat and you’re gripping his thighs while he uses you for nothing more than his pleasure in the moment. 

Will mix degradation in with praise like he's been doing it his entire life. Has given you whiplash multiple times because of it.

He's so loud, too. Toby is whiny and begs, but this dude is in your ear with low grunts and groans, his voice spilling the foulest words he can think of.

Has you seeing stars while mumbling into your neck shit like "your pretty little pussy's taking me so well - like you were built to be my cocksleeve. Just a cumslut who takes whatever I give you. Look at you, all fucked out of your mind, pretty little baby. Can't wait to paint your fuckin' insides. It's what whores like you deserve."

He's also the best at aftercare, though. You normally have to take care of Toby after, and Tim does jack shit unless needed.

Brian, though, has his dresser packed with shit to take care of you with after. Will bathe you, dress you, tell you little reassurances, make sure you're okay.

He's also best at knowing when to stop. He can sense your hesitation as if he's the one feeling it.

Because of his dirty mouth, he's had to break off sessions early a few times. The biggest was when you started crying halfway through him fucking you missionary, and not the kind of crying he liked (because let's be real, this motherfucker loves to see you cry and beg to cum.)

He had called you a whore a few too many times through the session, and you had taken it a bit too close to heart (it was something that hit a bit harder than needed since you were dating multiple men at once.)

He spent the whole night cuddling you and reassuring you that he didn't really mean it. He loved you, they all did, it was just for the roleplay. "Stop crying, pretty baby, we're okay. I'm not actually mad. Let me see a smile, c'mon, doll."

Also, let me mention that because y'all are so fucking loud, Tim has banged on the door quite a few times trying to get you to calm down.

Tim made the mistake of grumbling to himself during dinner one time in front of you and Brian that 'you're so fucking loud it sounds like you're recording a goddamn porno in there.'

If you hadn't been choking on your food so hard, you might have noticed the sly grin that crossed Brian's face, though it was brought back later when he ended up filming you quite a few times from that night. It wouldn't be posted anywhere - fuck that, you were theirs, and no one else's.

(he did accidentally share a video of you cumming to the group chat all four of you were in on accident while sending cute pictures of the two of you. The mortification of hearing your moans come through the speaker of Toby's phone while he stared at it dumbfounded was enough for you to not talk to Brian for a whole week. It didn't matter if they had seen you like that before, it was still embarrassing!)

(Brian didn't tell you that the other two - Tim especially - had been sent worse videos than that.)

SPEAKING OF TIM.

Let's get started with this man. Tim is the laziest motherfucker known to man but it is nice. 

Really, he’s not lazy, he’s just tired a lot, and he doesn’t want to put the effort in the fuck you senseless when you’ve got two others for that. 

He prefers sleepy fucking where you’re both half-out-of-it and breathless. He enjoys both of you on your sides with him spooning you, his hips moving just enough to give enough friction for the both of you to cum after a while. You can and will fall alseep right after with him still buried inside of you.

Speaking of, what’s the best way to get y’all’s sexual tension out while still being lazy (besides just making you ride him which he does very often) ? Cockwarming. 

He won’t even just do it in bed when it’s the two of you. He’s shimmied his pants down just enough for his cock to slip out and pushed your panties aside (since you were only wearing an oversized shirt and underwear. I mean, what did you think would happen?) and made you sit on him in the middle of the living room while the other two were lounging around, too distracted to notice. 

However, if someone does notice (Especially in the beginning because you were horrible at hiding your flushed cheeks and heavy breathing from understimulation) he would not hide it.

“H-hey, y/-y/n, what’s-sss-s with the f-fa-face?” Toby had asked innocently one night while you were all watching TV together. You knew Tim was smirking behind you as he lifted the hem of the big shirt just enough to let Toby know what was going on. Boy blushed so hard and covered his eyes, smacking his face harshly in the process, and Tim and Brian snickered (because of course Brian already knew.)

Cockwarming also means that the second you finally - finally - start fucking, it’s over for the two of you in less than a minute, your fingers clawing at him as you finally get your release after hours. (the longest he’s made the two of you wait was four hours because we’re watching Toby’s favorite movies, we can’t interrupt him, now can we, darlin’?’

He’s also a huge fan of facesitting. Not the biggest fan of receiving blowjobs only because it makes him feel too vulnerable, but he could have you sit on his face for hours and not complain, his hands gripping your ass tight enough to leave bruises as he laved his tongue over your clit over and over. 

The only - only - times Tim has fucked you rough was when it wasn’t even really him. You had been half-asleep with your back to him one time as he rutted into you slowly when you suddenly felt yourself flipped so you were ass up with your face being pushed into the mattress, his hips jutting at a speed you didn’t know he could reach.

You didn’t even have to look back to know that Masky - his alter that didn’t show himself too often around you - had taken over. 

During getting fucked that time by Masky, you ended up so deep in subspace, trying to please the man you didn’t get too see that often that you let him him rip orgasm after orgasm from you until you couldn’t think straight and you entered a space where all you felt was pleasure, and you couldn’t even see straight.

You were brought out of it by Tim pressing a cold rag to your forehead, whispering sweet nothings to you as he tried to get you to come to, apologizing profusely for letting it happen. You had just grinned and - though your voice was thoroughly fucked up from screaming - told him to let Masky know he could do that again any time. Tim had gotten so flustered that he walked out of the room for a few minutes. 

Speaking of alters real quick.

Tim and Brian are the only ones to have them - Masky and Hoody respectfully, of course - and they come out around you very little. Hoody comes out more than Masky though, and you can tell the difference in how quiet Brian will get. 

Hoody and Masky have fucked you both separately and together (so have Tim and Brian but we’ll get to that in a second)

Masky loves you ass and prefers to have you in doggystyle over anything while Brian’s love for blowjobs is only intensified in his alter who will have you gagging on him until you almost pass out. He’ll give you a moment to breathe in just a second, just hold on a little longer, okay?

Hoody is almost always silent besides grunts that let him communicate with Masky. This is apparent even when you’re not fucking, and the three of you have to teach yourselves how to decipher the man’s made up language. 

Masky is quiet too, but will grumble to himself more than anything, calling you the worst name’s he can think of while he slams into you so hard that you don’t even have to move yourself to give Hoody a proper blowjob, his grip on your hips and force of his thrusts are enough to have you bouncing back and forth quickly. 

It’s not like you could really move anyways, not when Masky’s picking you up by your thighs and holding your hips up as he plows into you.

They love spitroasting but have definitely done double penetration even if you complain that you’re not prepped. Who cares? You’re obviously ready for it, look at you already cumming even though they haven’t moved. 

Now, as for threesomes and or foursomes

Nine times out of ten, Toby is too embarrassed to do anything in front of the other two. Maybe if you coax him enough, reassure him that nobody will judge, he might join in for the night, but it’s an incredibly rare occurrence. Watching Brian boss you around is enough to make him squirm. You were supposed to be in change, not him? But there you were with your tongue sticking out as you rolled your hips against Tim, ready to fit either of them in your mouth. The other can always take another hole. 

Toby not wanting to join doesn’t really both the other two though, and though it’s still not as common to have a threesome compared to one on one, Tim and Brian are always ready to share. Especially when you look so pretty whining into the air as you take both of them at once. 

You don’t mind if Brian takes a few photos, right? I mean, just look at you! This is a perfect moment to capture. Ignore the fact that you’re now Tim’s home screen, your pretty tits out in the open as his cock is buried inside of you, Brian’s hand gripping the flesh of your hip. Why wouldn’t he want to see it all the time?

The same applies to them as their alters. Spitroasting is their absolute favorite, though Tim prefers it if you ride him while you slobber all over Brian instead of him having to use his energy to fuck you into oblivion. 

They love double penetration as well, but once they tried to fit both of them in your pussy instead of one in your ass and you came so hard that you passed out. It’s brought out on special occasions after a l o t of prep.

really, overall. you have a boy for whatever mood you're in and you're literally never horny because the second you mention it someone is on top of you.

[forestlingincorporated]

Teen Titans #29

So, one of my favorite types of fics to read is Different First Meeting fics between Jason and Tim. I looooove reading Enemies To Caretaker, of which I fed handsomely on fairly recently. Big Brother Jason fics give me warm fuzzies, and Tim Drake needs a hug, and I feel like if these two actually got to know each other and worked past their preconceptions, they’d get along surprisingly well. And Still A Jason!Robin Fanboy Tim Drake is just a fun concept. 

Also, it just FEELS right for the middle siblings to band together after Damian comes along, lets get those abandonment issues in the party. 

So, for mysterious and very secret TimKon Week 2021 reasons, I was rereading some Teen Titans, and I stumbled over the Original Tim+Jason First Meeting, and I just sort of wanted to talk about some interesting things I found in there rereading it after several years. 

First thing right off the bat, when reading fics, normally it’s either the Core Four at the tower that Jason puts to sleep, or it’s Tim alone for the night. In the comic, none of Tim’s close friends are even at the tower, Jason waits for Bart and Cassie to leave, and Conner actually hasn’t come around for an in-universe month, because this is after the Superboy’s Birthright arc where Lex mind controls Conner. 

The people Jason knocks out were his own teammates when he was a Titan. He specifically says he never got to work with Beast Boy or Cyborg directly, so he doesn’t feel bad electrocuting them, but he feels bad putting Raven under much more gently because she used to worry for him. 

Tim has just gotten off the phone with Bruce when Jason shows up. It seems like Bruce might’ve been picking Tim up, but something’s come up with Martian Manhunter going missing, so Tim tells him he’ll catch a ride with Cyborg. 

This is actually really interesting to me, because it’s a small moment of Bruce letting Tim down. It’s a conversation he’s probably had with his biological father many times when Jack’s canceled on him. 

Gonna acknowledge this abomination real quick. This is So Stupid, and I’m glad as a fandom we just all agreed Jason didn’t do this. It makes me ask so many questions. Where did he get that oversized Robin costume? Why’d he tear off his perfectly good clothes? Why did he do this? Why the yellow tights? WHY? 

A lot of things are actually happening here that are actually Really Interesting if you just look past the stupid fucking outfit. Because this comic actually flew really close to greatness, they just ended up dropping the ball by not continuing to do more with it. 

First off, Jason doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s immediately like “yeah, yeah, yeah, Red Hood, whatever, I’m Jason Todd, bitch! Fight me.” 

Secondly, Jason’s done his homework. He knows A LOT about Tim. He knows his name, he knows he has a dad, he knows he went to prep school, and he knows the story of how Tim became Robin. How he GOT that last bit of information, I’d honestly like to know. But even HAVING the information isn’t enough; he’s still letting his preconceived ideas get in the way. The surface level information about Tim’s life only served to fuel his jealousy and anger (thanks, Lazerus Pitt!). He’s so focused on Tim’s privilege that he’s looked past evidence of hardship; if he’s done this much research on Tim, he’s no doubt seen records of multiple boarding schools, lengthy travel records, news reports, a death certificate.... He can’t even bring himself to BELIEVE parts of Tim’s story that aren’t lining up with his world view, like HOW he became Robin. 

Jason has convinced himself that what he’s discovered about Tim and the period of time when Jason was dead - the fact that Bruce was spiraling after his death, that his family mourned him, that Tim had to step up to the plate at a weird suicide prevention buddy system - is all a lie. Despite the fact that he’s beating Tim’s ass, he speaks to him with the assumption that Tim’s a child who’s been manipulated and lied to. 

Meanwhile, it must be SO PAINFUL for Tim to hear Jason say these things: I bet he said the same thing to you he said to me, didn’t he? That you have the talent to make a difference in Gotham. That he needed someone he could trust in his war on crime. That you were one of a kind. The light in his darkness.

Bruce never said any of that to Tim. Bruce rejected Tim, he didn’t want Tim, and begrudgingly accepted Tim. 

Going back to Jason waiting for Tim’s other young teen friends to leave the tower before going in, only drugging his own former teammates, is much of his anger seems directed at THEM, not just Bruce. To Jason, it looks like they didn’t mourn him either, he has no statue. I find it interesting that he smashes Donna Troy’s statue, who died after him, and I believe she came back before he did. 

Unless he was keeping track of the news from the League of Assassins, to Jason, Donna never died. 

And most importantly? Tim shuts Jason down. Tim “Bitch, Please” Drake out here like: you’re a fucking idiot, he loved you to death, he barely let me audition for the role. 

Tim shows some deep resentment towards Jason in this scene. I mean... earned, Jason literally came into his house and starting hitting him, but Tim’s relationship towards the Idea Of Jason has gone through a few changes. At first Jason was ROBIN! THE BOY WONDER! And if maybe Tim thought Bruce wasn’t AS happy with Jason as he was with Dick, there was still SOME hero worship early on. But it only takes Bruce and Alfred and Dick using Jason’s death as a cautionary tale a few times to get Tim to see Jason AS a cautionary tale - the kind of Robin NOT to be. But the more Tim craved Bruce’s paternal attention and approval, and the more Bruce withheld it or made Tim work for it, knowing that Bruce did that, in part, because of his love and grief for his dead son (Tim having an actual living breathing father plays a part, too), and those feelings towards Jason have started to fester.

Jason can’t let it go, though, he thinks the concept of Robin was a mistake and had always been a mistake, and if he can hurt Tim, so can Scarecrow, Penguin, The Joker. 

This is a good time to bring up that one thing I think Jason probably doesn’t know is Tim is injured. It is a little over a month since since Conner shattered Tim’s right arm. Tim is still healing from a comminuted fracture in his forearm. And looking at this picture that is - ah, yes, that is the injured arm Jason is swinging Tim by. Tim is probably healed by now, the cast IS off and he’s a child, but bones don’t fully return to full strength for 3-6 months. 

Jason is conflicted. This is clearly, in part, a fucked up way of “protecting” what he sees as a manipulated child, to convince him to leave Bruce. But there’s also clearly some deep, deep jealousy thrown into the mix to complicate matters and cloud his judgement. Ultimately, Jason isn’t there to kill Tim. Tim would be dead if he was. He’s there to “beat some sense into him,” and he ultimately fails, and fails badly. 

Tim is found by the older Titans, awake by now, though it seems Jason knocked him out to, uh, fuck with the memorial chamber, and Tim... does not beat around the bush. No secret identities here just “yeah, Jason Todd beat the shit out of me.” 

And their reactions are HILARIOUS. 

One more little sidebar, in the comic, Jason gets in with a D.N.A. check that never removed him from its permissions. Usually in fic this is a unique pass code. I’m not sure which version I like better, honestly. There’s something about Jason physically inputting a code that accepts him even though he’s supposedly dead that I really like, and just feels better than a dna scan. A dna scan sounds SAFER, sure, but there’s something about the Titans leaving in an honest SECURITY RISK out of sentiment that I like. 

Lastly, I really like how it ends. Jason honestly thinks Tim IS a good Robin, and it seems like Jason’s done some research on the core four, mentioning Tim’s “real friends” again while the “camera” is on Conner and Cassie, suggesting that Jason KNOWS about them and possibly that targeting the tower while they were gone maybe wasn’t an accident or out of convenience, but fully intentional. And again, Jason’s real problem is highlighted: he feels alone, forgotten, unmemorable, no family, no friends. 

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. 

[pascalpanic]

Just One Mission (Agent Jack “Whiskey” Daniels x Champagne’s Daughter!Reader)

Inspo: I Like It, I Love It by Tim McGraw

Summary: Your father, Champ, runs Statesman, and you’re his best- and only- female agent. Your normal partner, Tequila, is out, leaving you with another agent. Normally this would be fine, but it’s with Whiskey, who practically ignores you, despite the fact that you’re crushing hard on him. You’re sent to the county fair to track an undercover bad guy under the guise of being a couple for your latest mission, and it starts to feel more and more like something is happening, not just between your fictional couple.

WC: 5.1k

Warnings: language, obvious mentions of alcohol (this is Statesman after all)

A/N: Can I get a yeehaw for our favorite cowboy? Biggest of thank yous to @remmysbounty for helping me name this!

“You can’t be serious. Why can’t anything ever be straightforward around here? Why do I always have to go play make-believe?” You asked, pushing your glasses back up your nose to clarify his hologram. You move from where you stand, against the window showing the New York skyline, to walk towards the meeting table.

Champ gives a chuckle, as if he knows everything. Of course he does. He’s your boss and he never fails to make that known. “You came into this job knowing you’d be doing undercover work, Amaretto,” Champ says with a pointed look. You bite down on your lip to avoid cussing and look down to avoid his eyes. “Plus, you’re our best. And our only lady.”

“Whose fault is that?” you grumble, crossing your arms. Normally it doesn’t bother you much, but today you wished more women worked in the field. “Why can’t I go with Tequila? Him and I work well together, you know that,” you ask, hating your voice and your tone. You sound like a whiny teen complaining to her dad. Honestly, it was close enough, and maybe even worse: you were a fully grown woman complaining to her dad.

Your father, Champ, sighs and removes his hat. “For God’s sake, ‘Retto. Tequila’s mission has been extended. I’m sorry to tell you that Agent Whiskey will be your partner for just one mission, for one night.”

“Dad, I-”

“That’s Champ when you’re in here, Amaretto,” he chides, which makes you groan and plop down on an office chair, kicking your legs up onto the table and crossing them. “It’s a small mission. You can handle it. Whiskey’ll treat you right.”

As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you knew you could handle it. You would be more than fine pretending to be Whiskey’s sweetheart for the evening. It was what came after that you didn’t want. You had known Jack for a while now, and had been hiding a crush ever since the man first entered your life. 

You had been a Statesman ever since your father revealed to you that he wasn’t just the head of the Kentucky distillery- he was the head of a spy organization under the same name. Your career here hadn’t been long, but you were already proving that the skills must run in the family. You were the first female field agent, had a perfect mission record, and no unnecessary kills or injuries. That impressed Jack as much as the rest of the facility, maybe even more. You were a stunning and sharp woman with brains to match. 

As much as Whiskey wanted to flirt with you, to tell you just what he thought of you, he held back. Your father held his job by a string. In order to hold back everything he thought, he kept a distance. You were the only woman in the company Whiskey didn’t flirt with. “He hates me,” you say sharply to your father, telling him what you really thought Whiskey’s opinion of you was. He complimented every woman around him, but he actively avoided you. When you had talked in the past, it was brief and he had always found an excuse to leave. How else could you take that?

“Prob’ly just jitters around the boss’s girl,” your father drawls, and you want to scream and shout and throw a temper tantrum. “Besides, you both have roles. Neither of you have to be yourself.”

Stopping you before you can launch into a rant, a knock comes at the meeting room door. You look and- speak of the devil- Whiskey peeks his head in, finding you alone in the meeting room. “Sorry. Heard ya talking, you in a meeting?”

Your father laughs as he hears the man’s voice. “Tell him to put on the glasses,” he tells you, only audible through your earpiece. You relay the message to him and once Jack’s glasses are on, he straightens a little, addressing your father. “Good to see you, Whiskey. Just telling Amaretto about the mission,” Champ tells him, and you roll your eyes.

“Right, that mission. Next week?” He asks, clarifying, eyes darting to you briefly before finding your father again.

“You got it.” A knock comes at the meeting room in Kentucky, and your father turns for a moment, then back to the two of you. “Ginger’s callin’. Talk to you later, darlin’, and you too, Whiskey.” He takes off his glasses and the image of him disappears. 

You remove your legs from the table, swiveling your chair and removing your glasses. “How exciting, huh?” You ask dryly, eyes finding Whiskey’s. “The hottest week of the summer and he’s sending us to Alabama to spend a night outside.”

Jack chuckles a little, your sarcasm penetrating through the shield he has up specifically to deflect you. “At the county fair, no less. Couldn’t these idiots set up shop in a refrigerated warehouse?” He sighs, adjusting his hat. 

Tearing your eyes from him, you look out of the impressive window instead. “Sure to be a fun time,” you shake your head. He looks so handsome, and it makes you want to punch something. “Why my father loves to put me in these situations, I’ll never know. He’d never do this to Julep,” you lament. “I must be the expendable kid.”

“Julep is 17,” Whiskey reminds you, raising a brow. “You’re the only one of age, and you’re probably the only competent one too. He showed me a video of Rosé at the gun range and good Lord, how the hell did a man like that birth something so clumsy?”

“Why do you know so much about my sisters?” You ask him, tilting your head. 

“Your father never shuts up about ‘em. He shows them off constantly,” he shrugs. “Shows us videos, pictures. Even knew plenty about you before you came.” You raise an eyebrow at that, and he shakes his head quickly. “Barely anything personal. Hell, I don’t know your real name. He’s never called you or your sisters anything but your nicknames.”

You stand, gathering the folder you brought into the room with you. “Well, that’s a comfort. I’m not Champ’s daughter, I’m Agent Amaretto, and that’s the way I’d like to keep it,” you say, your voice slipping away from sharp and into flirtation. Whiskey’s deadpan slips into a smile and you press the folder into his chest as you walk past him, and out of the room. The smile grows wider as he turns to follow you.

-

Whiskey was right. It’s the hottest week of the summer, the August heat making you feel sticky and swollen, and you’re in Alabama. Disgusting. You look in the mirror and groan as you look at yourself. You were told that you and Jack need to blend into the atmosphere of the county fair, and you sighed. 

The past week, the two of you had prepped for your mission, slowly melting the thick layer of ice that subdued both your crush and his flirtation. He had slowly slipped into his regular self around you, which you didn’t notice. You didn’t know the real him. You had become more of yourself too; less sharp, more smiles, even a few laughs at his terrible southern euphemisms and adages. He finally called you darlin’ and sugar and sweet thing, and you felt your face warm more than it should. You let your walls down by the time you got on the plane, joking around with him and making actual conversation. During the flight, the two of you had enjoyed picking cover names, deciding on Beau and Jolene Pruitt, a newly married couple. Both were native Alabamians with thick drawls, not that it would be out of character for Jack.

Getting to wear casual clothing around that man excited you far more than it should, and you had spent a stupid amount of time picking out something that would fit in but also look nice. The wardrobe women had packed you plenty of options to mix and match from, and you settled on something that seemed to be a mix between your cover and yourself. You wore short denim cutoffs, ripped and distressed, with cowboy boots to match. You also wore a white tank top and a red, white, and blue flannel, either to be worn open or tied around your waist. A large gold cross pendant rested on your cleavage, as many women around here similarly had. It was imperative that neither you nor Whiskey could be recognized, and you had been given a wig of thick hair the opposite of your natural color, plaited into two French braids that were long and ended around your waist. No mission was complete without your gold, wire-rimmed Statesman glasses. 

You have to admit, you enjoy this look, minus the gaudy jewelry. You get to show off a little bit more than you normally would, and you secretly hope Whiskey may up his flirtation with you. You’re recognizable to someone who would know you, but the change of hair color and the glasses are a solid cover-up. You snap a picture in the mirror, sending it off to the ladies in the wardrobe department.  you ladies spoil me- I love getting to look cute for a change!

The women reply a moment later with a picture of all of them. You’re always cute, sugar! Show that man what he’s missing!

So, maybe you had confided to the wardrobe ladies that you found Jack attractive. Who didn’t? They agreed, but all showered you with attention and insisted you should make a move on this mission. You had said no, but they had hounded you over and over until you told them yes. It was a lie, but they didn’t need to know that.

A knock comes at your hotel door, and you smile before you can stop yourself. You force yourself to drop it, tossing one of the braided tails over your shoulder, and open the door. “Well there, Beau,” you drawl as you see Whiskey, but you stop and laugh a little as you scan his body. 

His reaction is the exact same, after a brief scan of your outfit. You both break into laughter. Jack is wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a white t-shirt, and a flannel with a different pattern but the same colors- red, white, and blue. “Stealing my thunder with the outfit, I see. Are you going to put your costume on or what?” You ask teasingly, and he shakes his head. 

“Believe it or not, Jolene, this is my costume. Seems the only different thing about being Beau is my name.” He grins wide at you, adjusting his similarly gold-rimmed aviators that rest beneath his classic Stetson. 

You shake your head but smile. “Why am I not surprised?” You tease, turning and grabbing your phone and the large bulletproof purse you’d be carrying tonight. “The ladies in the wardrobe department are going to love this,” you chuckle, and then freeze for a second. 

They did this on purpose. 

Whiskey has the same thought as you. He had confided in the ladies in the wardrobe department that he found you absolutely stunning but unattainable, due to the fact that your father was the control of his… everything. They had chattered excitedly, telling him that he should make his move on the mission too. He had done the exact same as you- said yes, but as an appeasement. “Well, they sure are. We’ll have to get someone to take a picture of us while we’re there.”

You nod, your heart skipping a beat at the fact that he wants a photo of this. It’s just for the mission, of course, you tell yourself and brush it off. “Oh, and that’ll be perfect cover. Of course these two would want a photo taken of them. We can do it right in front of the marks- better yet, we can ask them to take the picture,” you chuckle happily and sling the heavy purse over your body. 

“Or we can take a picture now,” he chuckles, nodding to the mirror you just took a picture in a moment ago.

“Sure,” you nod and lead him over to it. “Uh… smile?” You laugh and hold out your flannel for the photo. Jack makes finger guns and gives the camera a seductive face in the mirror, making you laugh. “Jesus, I thought you were the smooth agent.”

“Smoother than you. You’re smooth like a gravel road in a dry spell, look at that pose,” he says and zooms in on the picture. “Pose like you have some confidence in that pretty little head, honey,” he teases. “Copy me.” He makes the same pose, and you mimic it, taking a picture before bursting out laughing. “Much better,” he nods as he looks at the image. “Better send me that,” he nudges your side before walking to the door. “Well, Jo, let’s get this show on the road.” Smiling at the picture, you send the image to the wardrobe ladies. very subtle, Charlotte! You fire off before pocketing your phone and following him along. “Aw, Jo and Beau,” you coo, your personas snapping into place as soon as you leave the hotel room, clutching his arm. 

The two of you meander down through the hotel, finding your way to the parking lot. You break away from him to sit in the Bronco (of course he brought it) but you find yourself missing the contact of your arms intertwined. It’s probably for the best though, you think to yourself. If you have to keep touching him all night, it’s quite possible the Alabama heat may melt whatever’s left of the iceberg you’ve built to hold back your crush on him. 

-

A man bumps into you, and Whiskey is at your defense before you can defend yourself. “Watch it, cowboy,” Jack fires back, his hand resting on the small of your back. You smile up at him, practically making heart eyes. It looks in character, and you’re glad for that, but it’s entirely you. 

“My hero,” you giggle and place your hand on his chest. 

“Just for you, sugar,” he says sweetly and you beam up at him. He looks around, as you do, but the two of you rest there. It’s hot, unbearably, but yet you enjoy the contact your body makes with his. Both of you wear your flannels around your waist, allowing your grip on his arm to hold his strong muscles directly. It’s definitely enjoyable. “You hungry, honey?” He asks. 

You have to admit, you haven’t eaten much today, mainly out of nerves for the mission. But everything is going just swimmingly: you have eyes on the target, have a plan to infiltrate them later, and are now just biding time to seem normal. “I… yeah, I am,” you nod and look up at him. “How ‘bout some cotton candy?”

“Now, darlin’, if you’re hungry, that ain’t gonna do the trick,” he says and raises an eyebrow, removing his aviators and hooking them on his collar. “This is the county fair, for cryin’ out loud. Let’s get you something deep fried.” You nod in agreement and the two of you wander over to a stand selling various deep-fried atrocities. You smile and chuckle, letting him order for the two of you. The vendor hands you each a ridiculously large corn dog, and you laugh. 

The smell of the food makes your stomach growl. “Oh god, I didn’t realize just how hungry I was,” you moan as you bite into the food, your thick accent dropping. “Good choice, babe,” you tell him, smiling at how easily it comes. 

“I know you, sugar,” he teases, leading you to a picnic table where he sits across from you, munching on his own. No one else is around here, allowing you to speak freely. “Really, I do. I found out your real name the other day,” he says with a smile, and you nearly choke on the breading, halfway down your throat. He finally says your name aloud, drawing it out, making it sound like it’s coated in honey and dripping with flirtation.

You look down at your food, biting your lip. “Who told you that?” you ask, still staring down.

Jack chuckles at that, ignoring the question. “Beautiful name for a beautiful lady,” he teases, and you chuckle, shaking your head. The flirtation is much better than the stone-cold silence before a week ago, but it doesn’t do anything for the growing crush you have on the man. “Champ must’ve known you’d be a stunner.”

“Have you heard of nominative determinism?” you ask as you look up, tilting your head and twirling one of the long braids of your wig around your finger. The words sound funny with the thick accent you’re putting on. Whiskey shakes his head. “It’s this theory that your name shapes who you become. So, if you said that my name was chosen for beauty, I would grow to become my name, so I’d be beautiful.” He nods a little at that. “Do you believe in that kind of thing?” you ask him genuinely, tilting your head and taking another bite of the corn dog. 

“Clearly,” he chuckles through a mouthful of food before swallowing it. “Your name is pretty, you’re pretty. Someone has a name with a bad reputation, they become it.”

“Your mama named you Jack Daniels, you become Agent Whiskey,” you tease with a growing smile, accentuating that drawl that you’ve perfectly picked up from your father and the mustached man in front of you. “I’ve thought about that a lot with you. Did they assign you that name because of your name? My dad never talked about work with us before I became an agent.”

Whiskey shakes his head at you but does give a laugh. “Prob’ly, just thought it’d be funny, I ‘spose. They needed a new Agent Whiskey anyway, I believe. Last one died or retired, they never told me. Filling the vacancy while making a pun out of it. Your father has a sense of humor, doesn’t he? ‘S sure great at givin’ nicknames.”

You shake your head at that. “Don’t I know it. He’s been calling me Amaretto since I could give him sass back. Told me I was a little bitter, just like the word means in Italian. Julep’s too sweet, Rosé is a mix of gentle and bold. No one calls us by our real names unless we’re in trouble,” you chuckle. “You should hear my mama shout when Julep gets in trouble. She nearly shakes the house, and Julep likes to avoid it by pretending she can’t hear her. She’ll hide in her room, and my mama just shouts and shouts until the neighbors come over to make sure the family’s all still alive. It’s in a loving way, of course, nothing bad.” You shake your head, clearing the topic from yourself. “But it’s like your mama knew you’d get into something with alcohol. That’s odd.”

Jack chuckles and takes the last bite of his food. He doesn’t respond, just cleans up his little area and waits for you to be done, watching you with his chin resting in his palm. You smile as you notice that, looking away, and he does too. The two of you stand and walk along again. He offers his hand, to hold it, and you take it. You’re not entirely sure that he did that as Beau, and you’re certain you didn’t take his hand as Jolene.

Walking through the midway, you catch your mark out of the corner of your eye. “Go time,” you murmur to the man, dropping his hand. “Sir,” you ask and pat the man’s shoulder as he walks past. He stops and you shoot him a cheesy, massive grin. “Hi there, would you mind takin’ a picture for my husband and I?”

The man nods. “Sure, ma’am. Where do you-”

“Oh wonderful. Here,” you say and position the man, handing him your phone, then move back to stand by Jack. “Beau, honey, here,” you say as you position the two of you for the camera. You wrap his arm around your waist and place your hand on his chest, grinning ear to ear. He’s doing the same.

“How ‘bout this?” he asks, swooping you up and holding you bridal style. 

You squeal into his ear, laughing. You almost call him by his real name but stop yourself. “Beau, quit!” You giggle and smack his chest teasingly, playing along with it and smiling for the photo. He lets you down only to pick you up again, hoisting you onto his back, piggyback style. Finding no other choice, you wrap your arms and legs around him, and he rests his hands on your thighs to hold you up. “Beau Pruitt!” You exclaim, emphasizing the words, hoping that the man taking your photos registers the name, knowing it’s not someone threatening. He’d probably take your phone and run if he heard you call the man holding you up by his real name. 

He finally lets you down and you thank the man, taking the phone back and continuing to walk along, naturally lacing your fingers through Jack’s. “What was that?” you ask lowly, smiling despite the pretend annoyance in your voice.

“Playin’ the part, sugar,” he shrugs and smiles at you. As you wander through the midway, Jack’s eye catches on a brightly colored, massive teddy bear hanging from the rafters. When Jack gets a plan, he goes all in. “You know what, honey, if this is to be a proper date, I am gonna win you a teddy bear,” he chuckles, grabbing his wallet.

You quickly push the hand holding his wallet down. “Don’t be ridiculous, babe. I don’t need a teddy bear,” you laugh.

“I am takin’ you on a date to the county fair. It’s only fitting that I win you a teddy bear!” He argues back, laughing. He hands a bill to the attendant, earning him quite a few balls to toss at the stacked milk jugs. “Here we go. This is for the big, tie-dye one up there,” he declares before hurling a ball. 

It hits the top jug and Jack winces. “Ah fuck. Bad shoulder,” he chuckles, picking up another.

“Then why the hell are you doing this, Beau?” you ask, catching yourself before you can call him Jack and holding down his arm. “I don’t need the teddy bear!”

“I already paid the attendant,” he chuckles and leans in to your face, taunting you. He uses your distraction to slip his arm from your grasp, throwing it and hitting the second row of bottles. “Hell yeah!” Jack crows excitedly, arms in the air. You laugh at his excitement and decide to let it happen. He throws three more balls before he knocks down the whole final row, whooping excitedly. “That one, if you please,” he tells the attendant and points to the large bear hanging from the ceiling of the booth. The attendant takes it down and hands it to him, and he promptly hands it to you, beaming. “For you, my dear,” he says, pride radiating from him.

“I love it,” you laugh and hug the massive bear to your chest, kissing its forehead. “I think I’ll name him… Whiskey.” He grins at that and takes your hand again, leading you through the crowd.

-

The rest of the night passes more like a date would than a mission. You and Jack converse happily, simply avoiding real names but talking like you would between friends. His hand rests in yours the whole night, and you enjoy it. The sun begins to go down and the humidity lessens, as does the stifling heat. It’s almost cool now; the both of you wear your flannels properly now, unbuttoned in the front. You munch contently on some cotton candy you finally convinced Jack to buy, even feeding him some to further your ruse. Sighing, you look around and take in the absolute perfection that is this tiny county fair. The sunset is beautiful and the lights of the carnival section are starting to come on. You start to speak until you hear a too-familiar voice through your earpiece.

“Amaretto, Whiskey. They set up shop in the pig barn, but they’re at their most vulnerable. Time to move.” You both groan as you hear your father’s voice. You look down at your interlocked hands between the two of you, then up quickly, remembering. Your father can see what you see with these glasses on. His voice comes in through your earpiece alone now. “See, I told ya it wouldn’t be so bad to spend a little time with Whiskey. I’ve noticed you’re not hating it.”

You shake your head and pull out your earpiece, tucking it in your pocket and murmuring a curse to your father. Jack notices and you simply shrug. “Wasn’t working right. You’re gonna have to relay the messages for me.”

He nods then pauses, listening. He chuckles and turns to you. “He says to put it back in, he knows you can hear him just fine.” You groan and put it back in with a frown. “Next time you want to have family dinner, count on one less plate,” you hiss through the piece, making both Jack and your father laugh. “Whatever, get us to the pig barn then.” Your father guides the two of you through your mission. They’re indeed at their weakest, just four men loading their van with their backs to you. Luckily, they’re the four that Statesman wants. You and Whiskey each easily take out two, leaving them tranquilized on the ground. “Pops, they’re good. Send in the recon van.” A few moments later, the van rushes in through the utility door, and two recon members load the men into the van. You and Whiskey give them a nod, smiling at them and thanking them before leaving the barn.

The voice comes through on just your earpiece again. “Take the rest of the night off. I know you want to.” 

He’s right, you do want to, and so for once, you listen to your damn father. “The rest of the night is up to us,” you say as you turn to Whiskey, removing your earpiece and your glasses and putting them in your bag. You reach for his earpiece, taking it out too, both of you almost shivering at the contact of your wrist to his cheek as you take it out. Jack catches your palm and plants a kiss to it and you grin. “Would you like to stick around, maybe go on some rides?” you ask and put away his earpiece before sliding your hand into his. “As Whiskey and Amaretto?”

Jack grins at you. “I thought you’d never ask.” 

The rest of the evening is spent on rides and eating ice cream, getting squished into Jack’s side on the Scrambler and flipped around on the Slingshot. You both laugh practically all night, overjoyed. You check your watch and look up excitedly, eyes lighting. “The fireworks are gonna go off in ten minutes.” You look at the wait for the ferris wheel- it’s about as long. “Let’s go on the ferris wheel to watch it.”

Jack nods. “Whatever you say, sugar,” he nods, lagging for a moment as you start to run to the next ride, then catching up and pulling you into his chest, kissing your head. You laugh at the feeling of being trapped in his arms and wrap your arms around him too, allowing the bear hug to last a moment longer than it should.

The both of you wait in line for a few minutes, continuing the conversation you’d been having before.

The line eventually shortens enough for the two of you to get on, and you sit, hands on the lap bar. Whiskey sits next to you, draping his arm across your shoulders. You look up at him and smile, scooting into his side. You give a little whoop of excitement as the ride starts moving, and you jump at a loud bang.

You timed it perfectly.

The sky lights with different colors, a variety of fireworks lighting off and illuminating the dark night sky. The stars are clear all the way out here, in the middle of Alabama, and you beam at the image. You pull out your phone to snap some pictures but Jack holds your hand down. “The pictures never do it justice, darlin’. Just look up at those and remember ‘em real hard.” Laughing softly, you rest your head on Jack’s shoulder as you watch. It’s stunning, absolutely gorgeous, and you look at Jack for a moment to find he’s not watching the sky, but has his eyes trained on your face, watching your reaction.

The moment is perfect. He can handle the rejection, he decides, if he has to, but he has to move now. “Can I kiss you, Amaretto?” He murmurs quietly, his face already moving close to yours. You give an answer in the form of a gesture: taking his face in your hands and closing the gap. The kiss is perfect, his soft lips tasting of the cotton candy you finally persuaded him to buy a few hours ago.

He sighs softly, his hand finding the side of your face as well. He breaks away for a moment and looks at your lovely face, grinning at the way your eyes reflect only his face, the dark night sky, and the colorful fireworks. “I think your pops named you wrong. Furthest thing from bitter. You’re the sweetest, most perfect thing I ever did taste,” he drawls before closing the space again, pressing his lips to yours. Your heart pounds in time with the bursts in the sky, erratic and loud, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re finally kissing the man you’ve been crushing on since the moment your father introduced you to the Statesman.

A particularly loud firework startles you and you jump, breaking your kiss and grinning at him, the adrenaline from both the scare and the kiss pounding its way through your body. You look at him and want to say something but can’t find the words. You simply giggle and look into his eyes, making him laugh too. You sit there for a moment, laughing, while the ferris wheel stays stationary. As it moves, you cling to his chest again, looking up and beaming at him. “Kiss me again, cowboy,” you demand, and he chuckles.

“Any time, sugar,” he says with a smile as he takes your chin in his hand and kisses you again.

[multimetaverse]

did you see the new hsmtmts eps 8-12 synopsis?

Yes, it's good to know that there are actually 12 eps this season as Larry had said in an interview before S2 premiered that there were 11 eps. Also it doesn't look like we'll be seeing very much of rehearsals or the actual show? It may be covid linked but it does seem that the musical aspect of the series has been dropped somewhat this season. So it looks like we get the Menchies in 2x11 and we probably don’t get a regular school performance like we did in S1. I get that it’s largely covid’s fault but it is lame that we’re not gonna get much of an ensemble show for a couple eps as the show is at its best when it’s focusing on the found family aspect of the wildcats.

Looks like Gina meets Jack at the airport in 2x09 which fits with his character description saying he has wanderlust. Interesting that we see Lynne again (I just learned that Tim Federle named Mike and Lynne Bowen after his own parents who have been happily married for 40 years). Also cool that we’ll see E.J.’s dad. They’re kicking Howie and Kourtney into high gear which should be fun. Presumably Gina and Nini’s rising secrets are to some extent about Ricky which could suck especially since Nini was already jealous of Ricky and Gina being flirty and hanging out back in S1 so it could feel like retreading old ground. I wonder if Ricky’s unexpected facetime/party crasher he reevaluates will be Lily, she certainly seems interested in him. The Seblos fight would presumably be about their different financial backgrounds which could be interesting if handled correctly. 

There’s a lot that’s kept vague obviously or just not mentioned. Going by the 2x05 synopsis for example, we would have had no clue that it the Miss Jenn/Mazzara/Mike Bowen triangle would be an important part of it, or that E.J. would have his most substantial role so far this season, or that the show would finally circle back to Portwell. We have no mention of Antoine though we know he shows up next ep, nothing for Zachie Roy or Lily or North High in general, nothing of Miss Jenn or her many gentlemen callers. Extrapolating from the first 5 eps it’s likely that Rini break up or at least take break sometime later this season ( I believe there have been clips from various trailers from later eps that show Ricky without his necklace). The theme of second chances is clearly going to be important the last two eps, it’s mentioned in the 2x111 synopsis and is the title of 2x12. Does Nini try and get into YAC again or some song writing summer camp or something? Does Gina speaking her truth mean clearing the air with Ricky or with EJ? And is Mr. Mazzara showing a softer side to woo Miss Jenn or to help EJ or another student? So far S2 has been uneven but with 2x05 it finally seemed to find its footing so hopefully the 2nd half of the season will be even better.

[lady-literature]

Ok, we've seen Bio!Dad Bruce, Adopted!Dad Bruce, and both adopted and blood siblings for nearly all the robins. Now consider Bio!Mom Marinette. She's got the looks to be a Wayne, so do Jason/Tim/Dick. Imagine one of them being her actual son and then meeting Bruce. Imagine something happening and Marinette is separated from her child so Bruce adopts said child until she can come get them. Imagine all the different scenarios.

I have said it once, and i shall say it again: I fuck with mominette

but, hmmmmmmm. this is a tricky one. I can’t imagine that there would be much that could keep Mari away from her child for long enough for Bruce to need to adopt them. Unless she was presumed dead or, perhaps, previously knew Batman/Bruce and left them in his care and then something magical/inter-dimensional went wrong so she’s MIA for a bit (which, if he then turned around and made them a child hero I can only imagine the thrashing he’d receive when she came back).

keeping with backstories as much as possible I suppose it’d look like this:

The Flying Graysons are not a duo but a trio. Mary and John and Marinette, who are all as in sync as any three people could be. It’s no secret in the circus that, while Mary and John are the ones who are married, Mari is hardly the third wheel in their act. Mary and Mari have been together longer than they’ve known John, and when the three discuss children, it’s always Mari who they agree should carry the child.

(Mary’s life is in the sky, but Mari has always been able to flit back and forth. She can stand to keep her feet on the ground for a few months, but Mary always jokes that it would kill her.)

It’s Mary who gets final say on the name, and soon, Richard John Grayson is born to three loving parents and an extended family in the circus they all call home.

but when Dick is eight, Mari is called away for business, whether miraculous or fashion or simply friend related, it doesn't quite matter. She chooses to go on her own, for one reason or another and when she kisses each of her little family goodbye, she does not know it will be the last.

Mari doesn’t hear about their deaths until she catches back up with the circus a week later and when she does they break the news. she almost collapses with grief before the rage distracts her. because Haly explains to her that Dick is gone. That he’s an orphan now even though Marinette is his mother too.

(She’s had the name Grayson for years. all her official documents say Marinette Grayson. The fucking idiots in charge of this whole joke of an investigation seemed to have believed that Mary was a nickname, and no one would listen to her son when he cried about a second mother.)

and then, before she can storm in and demand the incompetent Gotham forces fix this Dick is already being bundled up and brought to Wayne Manor. Which is just,, great.

Mari’s never punched a billionaire before, but she supposes there’s a first time for everything.

***

(and yeah, i know Catherine wasn’t actually his mom but Shelia can choke for all i care about her) or like this:

It’s not drug addiction that takes his mother, but Jason gets to watch her fade all the same.

It’s a different sort of poison, but it’s just as deadly and painful.

The very air in Gotham suffocates her, digs into her skin and winds around her heart like a vice, turning her veins thick, inky black.

Gotham is killing her slowly, but their only alternative is her dying quickly instead. If his mother was to step foot outside of Gotham she would burn, a supernova on earth. 

Her miraculous was shattered, broken while she wielded it and the backlash was enough to send her to this death-life. her miraculous shattered and so did she.

His mother is broken and wrong but no matter how much Jason tries he cannot fix it.

He watches his mother wither away to ashes and later—when he is more man than boy and has tasted the death that took away the only person who ever seemed to give a damn about him—he wears her colors in remembrance. 

***

Marinette married Jack Drake out of obligation more than any sense of love.

But, she supposed, it could have been worse. Jack is not a cruel man and he’s gone on business more often than not, which leaves her and their son and the servants of the manor.

It’s not the life she wanted, but it’s far from terrible. Tim is the light of her life, and regardless of her feelings for his father, she adores him just as she always knew she would.

They are as close as Mother and son can be, which means she notices when he starts disappearing for long periods of time. At first she had believed him to be taking pictures—he’s grown very fond of photography and Marinette encouraged creativity at every opportunity—and well. Technically she isn’t wrong.

She stares at her son unamused when he tries to use that argument.

he’s oddly tight lipped about why he’s been following around Batman, and it takes all her skill in prodding and teasing out her son’s worries to get him to speak.

“Batman needs help,” he finally tells her. “Bruce Wayne needs help.”

And, oh. Well then.

“Okay,” she says simply, already planning how best to approach this situation. grief is a tricky thing and her and Bruce aren’t exactly close.

“He needs a Robin,” Tim insists then and multiple pieces suddenly click in her mind.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“But-”

“No. You are not going out and fighting crime at your age! If you think he needs a partner so much, then I’ll do it.”

if Tim is put out by being told he can’t go out and fight crime with Batman, it is very much overshadowed by the idea of his mom going out and fighting crime with Batman.

(Before the end of the week, Marinette has taken Tim over to Wayne manor and all but forced themselves on the household.

In six months, Nightingale takes to the streets of Gotham, fluttering at Batman’s side like she’s always been there.

In a year, Marinette has spoken to Jack—who gives his blessing which she appreciates even if she hadn’t needed it—and she begins spending more nights in Bruce’s bed than she does her own.)

[whaleofatjme1920]

I saw the 1920s thing you did for the Foundation Squad and it made me wonder...what if they all accidentally encountered the creepypastas when they were accidentally yeeted in a different dimension by Bright out of spite.

The Creepypasta Crossover

[Including: You know the drill, all of them. Respectively, @lynxlycan, @hereggssuitcasefish, @celestialissues, @thegracelessfaceless]

[Warnings: Like, none?]

[AN: What a nightmare.]

Blanket statement that they're all used to this kind of stuff working at the Foundation so like, it just kinda makes sense to them? They're more annoyed than anything else.

Dr. Quill

Probably meets Jeff the Killer. Doesn't like him. I think that they would fight. A really shitty game of tag tbh. Eventually gets to sit down and talk to him and well, it's kinda awkward. They learn about each other's universes and I think that's kinda neat. Still hates that Dr. Bright threw her in there. Like what??? That's so rude?? it's a learning experience though.

Dr. Sora

Meets Masky. I know he's Marble Hornets, but like, I like this one. Due to him not being as problematic, they get along just fine. Sora is hesitant to really tell him anything, but they end up talking a lot. Tim doesn't understand anything about the Foundation but like, shadow organizations are kinda cool in his opinion. Not too far off from him and the Operator. i think they're good friends in the end. Is not mad at Dr. Bright.

Agent Icarus

Meets Clockwork. They'd legitimately try to fight each other before calming down enough to get to actually speaking. They also get along just fine. Clockwork has seen other Independents that have wings and Icarus's are no different. I think they actually really enjoy each other's company. Tell each other a lot about the odds and ends of what's going on in each other's worlds. Also is not mad at Dr. Bright. If possible, i think they'd somewhat regularly go back to Clockwork's universe to meet with her. It's just nice imo.

Dr. Tjme

Meets the Operator. Hates it. Hates Dr. Bright. I am not elaborating further.

Nurse Grace

I wanted to say meets Toby but instead, meets Eyeless Jack. I think EJ is the most formal when it comes to meeting. He and Grace talk about medical things and kinda lull into an easy friendship? EJ is by far the most mature creepypasta here other than Masky. Does not want to fight Grace, they're just good friends and research buddies. Isn't mad at Dr. Bright but isn't too happy at the same time because Sal was really, really stressed.

[365days365movies]

April 12, 2021: Mrs. Doubtfire (1992) (Recap)

Hey, Robin Williams. Been a while.

I’m sorry that I haven’t watched your movies for a while, and that I always skip your comedy stand-up when my phone’s on shuffle. I just...let me explain. Since I was a kid, you were one of my favorite entertainers. That might as well have started the day I was born, because...well, we share a birthday, fun fact. But it definitely continued with the first movie I ever saw in theatres.

While I don’t quite remember the first time I saw it, Aladdin was one of my favorite childhood movies, and I knew that you were the voice of the Genie from an early age. You might have actually been the first actor I ever knew by name. Which makes sense, because your stardom during the ‘90s was nearly unparalleled.

The next film I remember seeing (and hearing) you in was Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. That also starred Tim Curry, who would also be a major figure of my childhood. It also wasn’t the best movie, in hindsight, but it is the only time I’ve heard you rap since.

But eventually, I watched your forays into live-action, too. Jumanji, Hook, even the objectively bad Flubber, are all movies that I vividly remember watching during childhood. I was really excited for Flubber, even, and I LOVED Jumanji growing up. I liked Hook, too, but I appreciated that more as I got older.

Of course, during this time period, you also made less family-friendly films. The Fisher King, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Good Morning Vietnam, and What Dreams May Come were all very successful, and cemented your reputation as an actor. I also haven’t seen any of them. In fact...I don’t think I’ve seen any of your dramatic roles, and that’s something that I’ll fix this year. Hell, in a few days, I’ll watch The Birdcage, another of your big hits of the ‘90s.

But why haven’t I seen them up to now? Well...I was going to watch these films, about seven years ago. But...I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Because it hurts. A lot.

I know that this is a downer, but my relationship with Robin Williams today is tainted by his tragic death. I was fucking BROKEN when his death was announced, and I really haven’t been able to watch him since. I’ve seen Aladdin recently, but that’s about all I could stand to watch. I mean, the guy shares a birthday with me! I’ve always loved his comedy stylings, and his improvisational skills are something I’ve internalized to a certain degree.

So, yeah. This one’s tough. But, it’s about time I moved on, and celebrated the man’s career for what it was: stellar. And that also brings up an important question, that some of you have probably asked by now:

HOW HAVE I MISSED MRS. DOUBTFIRE, WHAT THE FUCK

I KNOW I KNOW OK?

Look, I’m not entirely sure how I haven’t seen this movie, because I’m MORE than aware of it! I remember it airing during the ‘90s, my Dad AND girlfriend love this movie, and I know FOR A FACT that my family owned both the DVD AND THE VHS of this movie! So, how? HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN IT BY NOW?

I honestly have no idea, but let’s fix it now, huh? Yet one more man-dresses-as-woman movie this month! And no, I am not watching White Chicks...because I’ve already seen White Chicks. Also, it’s...problematic.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

 Recap

Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams) is a voice-actor, and a good one. Which, given that it’s Robin Williams, isn’t entirely inaccurate. He’s also a voice actor with a spine, as he morally objects to a scene in the cartoon that he’s performing for, in which the main character smokes. By the way, I’m 99% sure that this cartoon is animated by Chuck Jones, and it looks well-made.

Anyway, this leads to him quitting the cartoon altogether, and allows him to pick up his kids early from school. These kids are Lydia (Lisa Hykub), Chris (Matthew Lawrence), and Natalie (Mara Wilson), and it’s Chris’ 12th birthday. Daniel arranges a...surprisingly large party, given that it’s completely impromptu, and it comes with a petting zoo and complete trappings. However, it’s not a party of which his wife will approve.

This wife is Miranda (Sally Field), a successful architect and the breadwinner of the family. After getting a call from the neighbor about the party, she comes home and busts the outrageous party. And for the record, I’m entirely on Miranda’s side here. This party is INSANE, and very irresponsible, given the fact that Daniel currently has no job. And yeah, he’s a very loving father, and a good person, but...it’s too much.

Miranda feels the same, and after 14 years of frustration, she realizes that she no longer loves Daniel. In a genuinely sad scene, she tells him that she wants a divorce. And she goes through with it MUCH to Daniel’s detriment. He has no home, as he’s staying with his brother, Frank (Harvey Fierstein) and his partner Jack (Scott Capurro). He also still has no job, meaning that he has no way to provide for his children. This means that he has no ability to provide, and the judge awards Miranda full custody. Oof.

However, this is a conditional arrangement, as another hearing for joint custody will be held in 3 months, and if Daniel can get a home and job in that time, he has a chance. He performs a litany of voices and impressions with his court liason, Mrs. Sellner (Anne Haney), which amuses me, but not her, and he gets a job in order to be with his kids for more than one day a week.

Meanwhile, Miranda IMMEDIATELY starts dating fellow designer and old flame Stuart Dunmeyer (Pierce Brosnan), like, almost before Daniel leaves the house. He bids a heartfelt goodbye to his kids, with the promise that he’ll see them on Saturdays. And now begins the absolute hatred and petty bitchiness of Daniel and Miranda! Seriously, it’s...it’s fucking terrible, and it takes away from my sympathy from either side. I get that divorce is rough and ugly, but GODDAMN, neither of them perform the act with any form of tact or grace.

This is put on display during the kids’ visitation to Daniel’s semi-crappy new apartment, which doesn’t even seem that bad, to be honest. Miranda dropped them off late and picked them up early, as if to slowly starve Daniel of time with his kids, which is extraordinarily shitty of her, fuck me. Daniel’s not taking it well, understandably, but then does something...really dumb, when you think about it.

See, Miranda’s looking for a nanny, to help watch the kids and clean the house during the week. Daniel volunteers his services, which is actually a good idea, but Miranda says she’ll think about it, which we ALL know means no. I DO NOT like Miranda, even if I understand the initial reasons for the divorce. She’s being especially spiteful, and it’s not a good look.

Daniel’s stupid idea, though, is to change the phone number on the ad for the nanny, which Miranda shows him before she takes the kids. Instead, he calls her number, and pretends to be various terrible applicants, until finally supplying his own applicant: the completely fictional Euphegenia Doubtfire (Daniel Hillard).

Daniel plays Mrs. Doubtfire as an elderly British woman, and a seasoned nanny in her day. Which is why it’s weird to me that, when he does to Frank and Jack to help him make an elaborate disguise as Mrs. Doubtfire, that they go through various other impressions and get-ups. Which, yes, is goddamn hilarious, but also makes NO SENSE, given that they’ve already established her character to Miranda. Funny, but nonsensical.

But, regardless, Euphegenis Doubtfire comes into being, and introduces herself to Miranda and the kids. Mrs. Doubtfire is exactly what Miranda’s looking for, although the kids aren’t exactly overjoyed, ESPECIALLY the oldest, Lydia. Also, during this first meeting, Miranda openly bad-mouths Daniel in front of the kids, in just the WORST fuckin’ way. I genuinely dislike Miranda A LOT. Again, the divorce was certainly justified, but I REALLY don’t like her. Daniel loves his kids, and they’re HIS kids, TOO. Stop using them as weapons against him, OOOOOOOOOOOH I DON’T LIKE MIRANDA

Anyway, that evening, after she’s officially been hired by Miranda, Mrs. Doubtfire heads home, only to find court liason Mrs. Sellner waiting to speak with Daniel. After a litany of puns, and a humorous changing scene, Daniel accidentally throws the Mrs. Doubtfire mask out of the window, and is forced to improvise through equally humorous circumstances. Hence, the above meringue mask scene. Has anybody tried that, by the way? Could that work as a groundbreaking beauty technique? Or would the sugar just feed the skin bacteria and give you acne? Genuinely curious.

Now going between his job as Daniel and the nanny job as Doubtfire, Daniel’s not doing too badly for himself. The nanny job begins, and Mrs. Doubtfire IMMEDIATELY contrasts with Daniel, creating a disciplinarian atmosphere in place of Daniel’s formerly loosey-goosey attitude. Which is interesting, and it works! I mean, it’s not how I would parent, but it does work. Doubtfire makes the kids to their homework, rather than watch TV, and then attempts to make dinner. Instead, though, the dinner’s ruined, and Daniel orders takeout and makes it LOOK like homemade food. And it looks good, too! Daniel’s full of hidden talents.

After dinner, as Mrs. Doubtfire’s leaving, Lydia apologizes for backtalking her earlier, and thanks her for making her mom happy with everything she did that evening. he also says that she’s still a bit messed up about her dad being gone. And yeah, it’s sweet-but-sad. 

Going forward (and in a montage set to Aerosmith’s Dude Looks Like a Lady), Mrs. Doubtfire takes care of the family, and Daniel even betters himself to become a better Mrs. Doubtfire. Which...to be honest, Daniel REALLY should’ve done this before. I get that he needed the pressure of losing the kids to do this, but...look, Daniel really wasn’t that responsible of a parent, and the fact that THIS is how he learns to be so is...not great. Like, here’s an example, OK: take Donald Trump.

Yeah, I know, what’s this politics doing in my peanut butter? And WOW, that reference is older than me, but anyway. Let’s say that, in two years, a new politician comes on the scene, and her name is Karyn Walldottir. She has somewhat centrist views, and behaves in a way that’s inclusive to the majority, and backs up her claims and promises with evidence (at least true enough for us to suspend our disbelief). This is, of course, Donald Trump disguised as a woman in order to gain custody of the United States of America again. Naturally.

Karyn Walldottir gets elected in 2024, and all of her policies are markedly different from Trump’s and Biden’s, but leaning closer to Biden in progressive standpoints (assuming that that worked for him come 2024). While Trump is doing this specifically to be president again, he ends up revising his personal policies, and being a better person and president for the country. A literal impossibility, I know. But suspend your disbelief to ask this question:

WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T HE DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

OK, now that that dumbass (and mildly horrifying) thought process is concluded, let’s get back to Mrs. Doubtfire. In the process of Mrs. Doubtfire’s ingratiation with the family, Miranda’s been dating Stu, whom Mrs. Doubtfire subtly insults when they meet. And yeah, Daniel’s being a little petty here, but it makes a bit of sense at least.

That night, after an accidental intrusion by Chris when Mrs. Doubtfire is going to the bathroom, Daniel’s basically forced to tell Chris and Lydia his little secret, which Lydia’s happy about, but Chris is understandably weirded out about. But, they agree to keep the secret from their mom and younger sister.

At his OTHER job, delivering film reels from a TV station, he witnesses the filming of an extremely boring kids educational TV show, and comments as such to another man watching. As he quickly learns, this is the owner of the station, Jonathan Lundy (Robert Prosky), on whom Daniel makes a good impression.

In the meantime, Mrs. Doubtfire has a talk with Miranda about their love lives, real and fictional. Daniel realizes how badly Miranda had been suffering in their marriage, which she never told him because...well, he never seemed to take anything seriously. Which is entirely fair...but this is why Miranda’s a tricky-ass character. She’s got two sides: there’s the justified caring mother and strong woman, and there’s the PETTY ASSHOLE who genuinely doesn’t care about Daniel or his feelings AT ALL. Jesus.

And Stu...look, Stu is LITERALLY a Gary Stu, who’s mostly perfect. Sure, he’s not always been that way, but he definitely is now! He’s responsible, wealthy, in love with Miranda AND her kids. And yeah, at a country club that he’s a member of (OF COURSE he is), he privately badmouth Daniel in front of Mrs. Doubtfire, calling him a loser, and...yeah, he’s not really unjustified in that statement. Fact of the matter is, Stu is barely even a plot device.

Meanwhile, in Daniel’s day job, he finds himself alone in the studio, where the toy dinosaurs from the TV show are still sitting on the table. He plays with them, gives them voices, sings some songs, and impresses Mr. Lundy, who’s there in the shadows after all that. He’s impressed, and invites Daniel to dinner to talk about a potential future show at the network.

But then, it’s also Miranda’s birthday coming up, and Stu’s holding a dinner for her, to which Mrs. Doubtfire is invited. Trouble is, it’s at the OH FUCK IT. YOU know what this is. It’s at the same time and place as the Mr. Lund meeting yaddayaddayadda LOOK. We ALL know how this is going to end. It’s the GODDAMN LIAR REVEALED TROPE AGAIN. And here’s the thing:

I FUGGIN’ HAAAAAATE THE LIAR REVEALED TROPE

You know, that thing in movies (especially family movies of the ‘90s) where somebody starts off a situation with a lie, they get deeper and deeper into that lie, grow close to people under false pretenses, and then OH NO! THE LIAR IS REVEALED! And everybody’s angry and/or sad, the liar slumps off, defeated and broken, but then realizes the error of his ways, while everybody else realizes the same thing, and he comes back to vindicate himself, and is welcomed back with open arms. And it introduces unneeded tension AND I HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING HATED IT.

Let’s list the examples, shall we? A Bug’s Life, Aladdin, Mulan, The Road to El Dorado, Chicken Run, How to Train Your Dragon, Klaus, Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, Megamind (SUBVERSIVE MY ASS), Over the Hedge, Rango, Toy Story, Steven Universe (the whole Pearl/Sardonyx arc, which went on for WAY too long), the list goes on and fucking on. And I GODDAMN HATE IT. Not to say it can’t be done well. Disney actually usually does a pretty good job with it, and Dreamworks uses it A LOT, but almost always pretty well. But sometimes...GOD. Either way, it’s still used FAR too fucking much. And look. Here’s another one. Joy.

Look, at this point...I will freely admit that I'm biased against this trope, but it’s also obvious where this is headed. Basically, Daniel switches back and forth between the dinner with the family, and the dinner with Mr. Lundy. With Mr. Lundy, he gets absolutely SMASHED. Great. Great decision, Daniel.

So, yeah, Mrs. Doubtfire’s also smashed, which is pretty goddamn apparent to them all. At this point, I’m wondering why Daniel, as Mrs. Doubtfire, didn’t just say she was sick as hell, and had to go home. Or, considering the fact that Daniel proposes her as a show idea regardless, the switch wasn’t even necessary! And that means that none of what’s about to happen, happens. Or, here’s a crazy thought, maybe Daniel shouldn’t have POISONED STU’S FOOD WITH CAYENNE PEPPER THAT HE’S ALLERGIC TO! 

YEAH! Because that causes Stu to go into anaphylactic shock for a hot sec, causing him to choke. Mrs. Doubtfire does the right thing and gives him the Heimlich maneuver, and in the process, SURPRISE! IT’S BEEN DANIEL ALL ALONG! BUH BUH BUHHHHH DA DA DA DAAAAA DA

Yeah, so Miranda is understandably ENRAGED by this revelation, and it’s all over. Daniel represents himself in court at the custody hearing, but the judge deems his “lifestyle” dangerous for children. Which...yikes, Judge, that statement didn’t age well AT FUCKING ALL. But, given Daniel’s admitted stupidity with this whole idea, he’s not wrong about the dangerous part. But, I have to say, Daniel’s speech in his own defense is nice...although he also says he’s addicted to his children, so let’s throw a second yikes on there for good measure.

The speech moves Miranda...but not enough to prevent Daniel has his custody stripped away from him! GOD THEY BOTH SUUUUUUUUCK. Daniel’s a broken man, and Miranda and the kids are similarly broken without him and Mrs. Doubtfire. However...Daniel’s career isn’t broken AT ALL, as Mrs. Doubtfire is now a kid’s show host! Yeah! And she’s a hit! And again, it brings me to wonder why Daniel DIDN’T APPLY HIS OBVIOUS TALENTS LIKE THIS IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE

Realizing that she made a mistake, she goes to the set during the filming of a show. She congratulates him on the show, and he replies by stating how broken he is now! Thanks, Miranda! Well, after an argument, and after Miranda sees how badly she’s messed up someone she used to care for, they come to an agreement: joint custody. FINALLY GODDAMN IT

And good, because I don’t want them back together. I have to give this film props for that: they acknowledge that these two are NOT good for each other, and they deliver a message in the end: families are families, no matter how they’re shaped. One mom, one dad, uncle or aunt, grandparents, adoption, two separated or divorced parents...oh, also, two dads or two moms. Yeah, that isn’t said in Mrs. Doubtfire’s final monologue, which is odd considering Daniel’s brother and his life partner...but it’s also kid’s TV in the ‘90s, so I guess that sadly makes sense. And with that, and their new family arrangement, Daniel takes his kids on an afternoon out, as himself.

...Look. That’s Mrs. Doubtfire, yaddayaddayadda LOOK. I don’t dislike this movie. In fact, here: have this mini-Review:

Cast and Acting - 9/10: Good, although Brosnan was a little stiff.

Plot and Writing - 5/10: It’s an idiot plot, what can I say? It’s actually based off of a book, which was a surprise to me, but it was adapted by Randi Mayem Singer and Leslie Dixon, and...eh. Still an idiot plot.

Directing and Cinematography - 8/10: It’s Chris Columbus, you get what you get. Definitely has that Home Alone flair to it.

Production and Art Design - 8/10: I mean, yeah, the Doubtfire disguise was good most of the time, but...I dunno, I could still tell it was Robin. But, still, it was good. Took 4 hours of makeup, fun fact.

Music and Editing - 8/10: Music by Howard Shore (ooh, Howard Shore!) was pretty nice, especially the ending theme. Editing by Raja Gosnell was...RAJA GOSNELL???

OH GOD. Yeah, OK, I see what happened here. Also, I didn’t know he was an editor! I just know him as the director of the Scooby-Doo films, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, The Smurfs films, Big Momma’s...

...OK, no, I am not doing Big Momma’s House OR the Madea movies. THE TROPE-BUCK STOPS HERE! I am moving on to something else! But, of course, I have to sum this up in a Review. See you there!

[much-obliged-timothy]

So I was reading a fanfic for a different fandom where a character ends up the single father of an oops baby and...

Anyway, here’s a totally self-indulgent “what if Tim accidentally had a child” fic ft. Rhys accidentally befriending the kid and being very panicked about it (and yes I will be more than happy to write more of this weird AU if anyone wants to read it)

Rhys paced his office nervously. “Zer0, did I make a mistake? Oh my god. I can’t believe I agreed to employ a doppelganger of Handsome Jack.”

The vault hunters had contacted him with an absolutely bizarre story. While invading Handsome Jack’s casino, they’d found his sole surviving doppelganger, a man named Timothy Lawrence. Timothy had been all too eager to get out of the casino once they’d claimed it for themselves, but had nowhere to go and, they’d warned, was lacking a bit in his social skills after seven years of being locked in a casino where almost everyone wanted him dead. 

Still, the man had apparently proved highly adept at business when they needed help getting issues for the casino sorted. Moxxi thought he’d be an asset to Rhys, appearances aside.

Rhys had them send over a resume and some examples of Timothy’s work, and was surprised to find that Tim was actually highly skilled at business negotiations and research. He had experience helping Hyperion develop new weapons and other various tech, and had worked as a vault hunter for Jack at one point, giving him valuable combat experience.

So Rhys had agreed to take him on, at least on a trial period to see how things went. Today was the day Tim would arrive, and Rhys couldn’t stop fretting that Tim would be too similar to Jack to bear. 

“He helped Jack rise to power, they said,” Rhys babbled, his anxiety growing. “What if he’s just like Jack? I don’t think I can take that ego again. This is such a mistake!”

Zer0 watched him pace, but offered no comfort. He didn’t seem to have any concerns over the situation. 

There was a knock on the door and Rhys froze, shooting a look at Zer0. Zer0 touched his gun then gestured to the door, a silent assurance that he would handle it if things got out of hand.

Rhys didn’t enjoy the thought of anyone being shot in his office, but he enjoyed the thought of being protected from Handsome Jack 2.0. “Come in.”

The door swung open and in came Handsome Jack. Rhys stared at his face for a long moment before shaking himself. Tim’s hair was longer than Jack’s, the mask on his face cracked. He had a cybernetic hand that was fidgeting with the visitor badge pinned to his jacket. He certainly had Jack’s sense of how to dress for the job; he wore jeans and a hoodie with a jacket over it instead of anything dressy.

Tim noticed Rhys eyeing his clothes and shifted awkwardly. “Uh, sorry. No money to buy anything nicer right now. I’m Timothy Lawrence. I know the mask has to go, too, but I’m arranging to have these stupid clips removed with it.”

Rhys processed his words, but only distantly. When Tim had shifted, he’d revealed that he wasn’t alone.

Tim again noticed where Rhys’s gaze went, and fidgeted more with his pass. “So, the job? Moxxi got me set up with a place to live nearby for now. I just moved in yesterday, so I’m ready to start whenever you need me to.”

Rhys continued staring. He had not been informed that Tim wouldn’t be coming alone.

Tim sighed quietly and nudged the little boy out from behind his legs. The boy stared distrustfully at Rhys, clutching a tattered teddy bear with the Hyperion logo on its stomach to himself. 

“This is my son, Phoenix,” Tim explained. “I, uh, don’t exactly have a sitter. Hard to have contacts when you’ve been locked in a casino for seven years.”

Obviously Tim had found a way to pass the time. The boy couldn’t be any older than five or six, with skin a few shades darker than Tim’s, messy, ruddy hair, a splattering of freckles over his cheeks and nose, and hazel eyes. His left eye had a familiar strip of blue amongst the hazel.

“You said I get my own office? Can I see it?” Tim said, shooting Rhys a pleading look.

“Oh, um, right, yes,” Rhys said, fixing his already straight tie. 

“Hey, stay here. We’ll be right back,” Tim said.

The boy’s eyes widened in terror, but Tim smiled and ruffled his hair. Phoenix clutched at Tim’s jacket.

“I’ll be right back,” Tim repeated. “That guy there? He was a vault hunter, just like I was. He’ll keep an eye on you for a few minutes.”

Phoenix looked over his shoulder at Zer0. His curiosity seemed to win out over his distrust as he eyed Zer0.

Tim took the opportunity to slip out of the room, Rhys following. They walked in awkward silence until they reached the office Rhys had secured for Tim.

“Okay,” Tim said, shutting the door as soon as they were inside. “Look, I kinda had a, uh, thing with a friend named Ember. We’d been stuck in that casino for a while at that point and everyone was trying to kill me and we just- got careless a few times. Phoenix was born in that damned place. He lived his whole life in there, hidden between me, Ember, and a friend of Ember’s from the vice district. Ember told me to take him with me to Promethea so he could experience life in the real world. Not that this shithole planet is fancy living, but-” He stopped and groaned. “Sorry, injected with Jack’s DNA. Anyways, please, he’s scared to be alone.”

No one had warned Rhys that in addition to getting a traumatized employee, he’d be getting the man’s traumatized son as well. But what was he going to do? Turn him out onto the streets?

Rhys sighed quietly. He hated kids, mostly because he had no idea how to talk to them and they frightened him.

“He can’t go into meetings with you,” he said at last.

Tim looked so relieved that Rhys didn’t even regret the decision. “Thank you. Really, thank you. Oh, finally, a CEO who isn’t an absolute dick. He’s no trouble, really. He’ll stay in my office with me, and he thinks everyone wants to kill him so it’s not like he’ll go bothering anyone.”

At Rhys’s startled look, Tim grimaced. He touched his mask and shrugged.

“Look, I’m not going to lie. My kid is…” He cursed softly. “I didn’t want that for him. But I had no choice. I started teaching him about guns when he was three. We taught him how to hide, and not to trust anyone. It was the only way we could keep him safe. It’s going to take time to break him of all that. B-But I’m a good worker! I won’t make you regret this! Well, I mean, the occasional Jack moments probably will, but other than that, no regrets. I hope.”

This was too much to handle right now. “You need to go get fingerprinted downstairs. Then we’ll get you settled and go over your schedule and duties.”

Business. He could do business. He couldn’t do a traumatized Handsome Jack doppelganger with a paranoid son.

“Right, let me just go let Phoenix know,” Tim said, opening the office door.

“That’s a cool name,” Rhys said as they started along the hallway.

Tim shrugged again. “Ember wanted something with fire. I guess we thought it was fitting, since he was born in the wake of Jack’s death and my, uh, sort of freedom. I mean, I still had a bomb in my face and was trapped in a casino. But no more Jack ordering me about.”

He at least didn’t sound bothered by Jack’s death, so Rhys took some comfort in the fact that Tim appeared not to hold any loyalty to his former boss. Moxxi had claimed Timothy hated Jack, but Rhys was still worried after everything he’d been through with the AI Jack. 

They stepped back into Rhys’s office, and Phoenix was immediately back at his father’s side, clutching Tim’s jacket in one hand and his bear in the other. Tim squeezed his shoulder and gently pried his hand off.

“I need to go get fingerprinted, Phoenix,” he said. “I’m just going to be right downstairs.”

The kid looked torn. Rhys felt a flash of pity.

“It should only be fifteen minutes if they’re not busy,” he said. Maybe knowing how long Tim would be gone would calm the kid.

“Fifteen minutes,” Tim said, smiling. “That’s nothin’, pal. I take longer in the shower.”

“You take forever in the shower,” Phoenix said, but grabbed Tim’s jacket again. 

Once again, Tim gently pried his hand away. “Fifteen minutes, pal. Then I’ll be back.”

Phoenix watched his father leave the room and began to pace silently, keeping Rhys, Zer0, and the door in view as he did so. He was rubbing the band of a watch strapped to his wrist, far too big for him. Rhys realized it was a digistruct watch, and sat down in the hopes he wouldn’t spook the kid into summoning whatever was stored in there. 

Phoenix kept shooting a look to Rhys’s cybernetic arm, looking like he wanted to say something. He kept snapping his eyes back to the door, but his gaze would drift back to the arm.

Rhys finally held it up. “It’s, uh, it’s an Atlas cybernetic. State of the art.”

“Dad has one,” he said, holding up his hand. “He lost his hand in the casino.”

“That’s because Handsome Jack is a controlling asshole,” Rhys said, then snapped his mouth shut. Shit, could he swear in front of kids? Was that legal?

But Phoenix stared at him, slowing his pacing. “You knew him?”

“Sort of,” Rhys said, rubbing the back of his neck. “We...worked together? Sort of? He tried to kill me. Not a good time.”

The distrust on his face evaporated a little. “He locked my mom and dad in the casino. Dad said he’s a freaking asshole. But I’m not s’posed to call anyone else that word.” He pointed to his eye with the sliver of blue in it. “Dad said that was Jack’s last ‘screw you’.” 

Rhys stared at Zer0 for help. He hadn’t expected to shit talk Jack with a little kid today, and wasn’t sure what to do now that it had started.

“Much more lively now/He must like you a lot Rhys/You have made a friend,” Zer0 said.

“You talk funny,” Phoenix said.

“He speaks in haikus,” Rhys explained. “Well, mostly.”

Phoenix frowned. “I dunno that language. My mom speaks French.”

Rhys laughed in surprise. “Oh, no, it’s not a language. It’s a type of poetry.”

“Oh,” Phoenix said, then shrugged in a movement that perfectly mimicked Tim’s. 

Rhys couldn’t help but stare a little as the boy resumed his pacing. He wondered if any of his features had been inherited from Tim’s original appearance. He wondered if it was hard for Tim to look at his kid and see both himself and Jack in him. 

Rhys busied himself with paperwork to keep from staring any longer. However, as fifteen minutes passed, and then another five, and then even more, Phoenix’s pacing grew faster.

He rubbed at the band of his watch more, eyes locked on the door. He looked terrified, checking the time yet again and hugging his bear tighter.

“They were probably just busy,” Rhys said, because as much as he didn’t like kids, he felt bad seeing one break down right in front of him. “He’s okay.”

“What if he’s dead?” His voice cracked a little and he paced even faster, clutching the bear so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

Rhys got up and slowly approached. “Hey. Hey, Phoenix. It’s safe here, okay? No one here will hurt him. I promise.”

“But he looks like that freaking asshole!” Phoenix said, pointing at his eye again.

“I know, but I warned my people he’d be coming today. They all know he isn’t really Jack. No one is going to hurt your dad,” Rhys assured. Phoenix still looked scared and frantic, so Rhys tried a different approach. He held his cybernetic hand out and let an image come up in his palm. “Have you ever seen a skag before?”

Phoenix nodded his head, looking torn between watching the door and looking at the holographic image. “Uh-huh. But just one.”

Rhys let the holograph play out. “Look how they run! I got stuck on Pandora years ago, and these things were scary.”

“Pandora?” He tugged at the ear of his bear. “Dad said it’s a shithole. I’m not s’posed to say that, though. Mom gets mad and says dad has a dirty mouth.”

“It kind of is a shithole,” Rhys agreed. “Promethea is much better. I think you’ll like it here. You and your dad can explore this weekend when he’s not working.”

His eyes shot to the door again. “But he’s not back!”

“He’ll come back,” Rhys said. “I won’t let anyone hurt him while he’s here. I promise.”

His eyes widened and he looked at Rhys. He seemed torn between distrust and hope.

The matter was settled as Tim reappeared in the room, looking out of breath. “Sorry. Some freaking idiot down there couldn’t find her ID and held up the whole line. I- Umph!”

Phoenix launched himself at Tim, wrapping his little arms around Tim’s waist tightly. There were tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

“Hey, hey.” Tim knelt down and hugged him, kissing his head. “I’m okay. I’m right here, pal. I’m okay. I’m sorry I took so long.”

He stood up with Phoenix in his arms, running gentle fingers through his messy hair. Phoenix nuzzled his head against Tim’s neck, wiping at his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Tim said, kissing him again. “I have shitty time management skills. Oops, don’t tell your mom I swore again.”

Phoenix put an arm around Tim’s neck to hold onto him. “Dad, this guy showed me a skag. On his hand!”

“‘This guy’ is my boss,” Tim said. “A skag, huh? Can’t say I missed Pandora’s brand of cannon fodder creatures.”

“You and me both,” Rhys said, standing up.

“Can you show dad?” Phoenix said, pointing to Rhys’s hand. “They look so stupid.”

Rhys brought up the image again. With his dad safely back with him, Phoenix was much more interested, peering at it with curious eyes.

Tim wiggled the fingers of his cybernetic hand. “Yea, mine doesn’t do that. Cool, though.”

“One of the vault hunters who saved us had a skag,” Phoenix said. “And a...a...something else.”

“Jabber. You saw their jabber,” Tim said. “Shit-flinging, obnoxious beasts.”

Phoenix tightened his hold on Tim. “You’re not s’posed to swear, dad.” He gave Tim the hint of a grin. “Gotta shut me up.”

“Ice cream it is,” Tim said with a long sigh. “After work, though. I’ve got to earn money to afford to bribe you, pal. So, let’s get on with it, Rhys.”

Rhys took Tim and showed him around a bit before bringing him back to his office. As Tim had assured, Phoenix was quiet the whole time, just clinging to Tim. When they reached the office, he sat in a chair in the corner, playing with his tattered bear and not bothering either man as they went over Tim’s schedule and duties.

“Well, I’ll leave you to get settled in and do the basic paperwork,” Rhys said, shaking Tim’s hand. “If you have any questions, you know where my office is. You’ll be primarily reporting to me.”

“Hey,” Phoenix said as Rhys headed for the door. He was clutching his bear tightly again, glancing from his dad to Rhys before blurting out, “Can you tell me about Pandora sometime?”

“Oh,” Rhys said in surprise. “Yea, sure. I mean, a lot of my experience involves me being in fear for my life. But, sure.”

“Hey, been there done that on Elpis, kiddo,” Tim said. “Phoenix, let him get back to work. You can help me get some papers organized, if you want.”

Phoenix hopped off the chair. “M’kay, dad. See ya, boss guy.”

Rhys left the office and stared at the door once he’d closed it. Today had not gone as he’d expected, not at all. And he had a sinking feeling he’d accidentally made the kid like him.

Great. He’d been so worried about dealing with a Handsome Jack doppelganger, and now his bigger problem was a small, curious child. Rhys wondered if life would ever let him catch a break.

Part 2

[galaeus]

OKAY AS PROMISED HERE IS THE VERY DISORGANIZED BULLETPOINT MASTERLIST OF 

“HOW I FEEL ECHO J. GALAEUS WOULD GET ON WITH THE CANON CHARACTERS OF MASS EFFECT”

long post so you can read it under the cut. (in order of me1 to me2)

THE COUNCIL / ALLIANCE

lmfao absolutely not, she cannot stand those hypocritical donuts

also fun fact, her dad left Contraxia and wound up serving the alliance on a refugee grant leaving his child and baby mama to rot so that’s a lot of baggage to be had

COMMANDER SHEPARD

This is completely up in the air because there are a ton of Shepards on indie and they’re all unique and fantastic, but I will drop that Echo respects fighters. Shepard is a fighter and a strong willed person, so I don’t doubt that she’d respet the shit out of any Commander.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Debatable. Ashley has a pretty strong background of family and religion and Echo tends to shun her Contraxian culture/has little to no feeling when it comes to her own family ties back home. They may be something of adversaries given they are both strong-willed and outspoken individuals.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Echo is pretty neutral to Kaidan, but given her ties with Cerberus, I don’t think he would be neutral with her. Dude certainly believes in a cause and she can respect that, but I don’t know if he would want to associate with her. Plus there’s that pesky problem she has with Alliance so they will most likely butt heads.

LIARA T’SONI

Echo is more than likely very intimidated by how smart Liara is (that woman is wicked intelligent) but that wouldn’t necessarily be any reason for her not to speak with Liara. They both have mommy issues, so that’s a bonus. If anything, she finds Liara to be a very brave and honorable individual so she’s equal parts nervous around her as well as respectable.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

This is a tough one and it depends on the timeline. With her father being Alliance, she tends to not think too highly about C-Sec. However, they both have major daddy issues to deal with, so maybe that’s enough to bring neutral ground. He’s a ruthless fighter and she respects the hell out of any fighter she comes across.

ME2 Archangel status, I do enjoy the concept that she knew of him/perhaps even crossed paths with him when she was in the midst of her gig as a hunter-for-hire on Omega before Cerberus snatched her up. She has a bit of a revenge list of old ring-runner/betting pools she’s tracking down for soul-sake that she wants murdered, so I wonder if she’d come to him for help? Otherwise they’d meet on the Normandy. Turians/Contraxians like fighting, so that’s A+.

URDNOT WREX

I seriously do not doubt that Echo and Wrex have stumbled into each other at some point or another. He’s a Krogan, Krogans love Contraxia’s lawless wasteland of fighting and chaos, so I feel as though they would have a pretty interesting bond. Bonus points if he actually knew her when she was a fighter on Contraxia!

TALI’ZORAH

Granted she’s intimidated by very smart people (see: Liara) but I think her and Tali have the opportunity to get along great. Quarians and Contraxians are treated as second-class citizens, so I think she would want to make an alliance with Tali strictly due to the fact that their people are very much frowned upon in most corners of the universe.

JOKER

For the love of god do not make puns around her or she will break the coffee machine.

MIRANDA LAWSON

MISS MIRANDA, DID YOU PICK UP ECHO FROM OMEGA ON BEHALF OF THE ILLUSIVE MAN?

Ok but in all seriousness Echo digs that Miranda has zero qualms with stating that she’s the best at what she does because while Echo is shameful of the people she’s murdered (hello, 33 very personal deaths in the gladiator arena) she also knows she is highly capable at what she’s good at. They have both been used and abused in many different ways, so I’d be curious if they had a partnership grow for those little things or if they would butt head strictly on the principle that Miranda is pretty poised and Echo is... not. I would love to explore it.

JACOB TAYLOR

ALLIANCE DADDY ISSUES UNITE. Okay but can they please bond over the fact that their dads were in Alliance and, while he joined Alliance to follow his legacy, Echo basically got the shit end of the stick as a gladiator? Plus he’s super skilled at fighting. I think she’ll like him.

GRUNT

Again, like Wrex, I have a feeling Echo will like Grunt. Krogans love fighting and they love Contraxia’s nature and debauchery, so I think eventually they would warm up to one another and be amicable.

MORDIN SOLUS

Mordin talks much too fast and confusing for Echo to understand him but she appreciates his matter-of-fact nature -- even if it takes her a while to get used to it. Echo tends to take a lot of things literally, so it works out that it’s so neat and plain in front of her when they speak.

JACK

heart eyes motherfucker

No seriously these two both have bodies painted with ink that talk about their past and I SCREAM about it. However, Echo’s champion mark tattoos were involuntary, but she was allowed to choose the design after a kill/winning fight. Jack was also involuntarily held for so much of her childhood just as Echo was held against her will to fight against her peers as she grew up, so they have some very fucked up childhood problems to comb through. They both have really intense viewpoints of the world and tend to be loners, so I would love to see if they royally hate each other or if they become complete and utter nuisances on the galaxy.

KASUMI GOTO

She’s gonna be super gay for Kasumi and think she’s like the greatest person to talk to I can already feel it in my bones and I am so sorry for the simping that could be had here.

LEGION

Oh god has Contraxia ever even been bothered by the Geth? I have no idea. It would be interesting if she came into meeting him with an open mind, because he is an interesting character. Plus there is always the battle of ‘we are legion’ vs her individualistic nature, so I think it would be a neat dynamic to explore.

THANE KRIOS

She knows of him. Like I guarantee she knows of him because his skill would be revered where she’s from (Contraxians really put assassins/fighters on the top of their respect list) and I think because of that, she would be open to discussing her former life. Plus there is almost... repentence? in getting to know Thane? He hates what he’s done just as much as she loathes what she had to do in order to survive her life as a gladiator, so I wonder if she would actually get spiritual and real with him behind closed doors where the rest of the crew cannot hear the crimes she’s committed against humanity.

SAMARA

Big gay and scared of you. That’s all I can say about her right now skdfjsf

ZAEED MASSANI

I have a feeling these two have definitely crossed paths, even if it was before the Normandy. They’re both bounty hunters (though her assassin/hunter stint was short-lived given Cerberus picked her up for their own usage) and they’ve both been scarred by war in one way or another, so I’m curious to see if they become neutral acquaintances.

TIM / THE ILUSIVE MAN

While indebted to him for picking her up in the middle of Omega running around as a hunter-for-hire, she is fearful she traded one cage for another. That being said I think she’d buy into whatever he was telling her to do and do it without questioning because it’s better than what her old life used to be.