#actually i think its funnier if he just has shitty force of personality but was able to do his job anyway. cha dont equal looks fuck yoy

[pigeonliker420]

i dont remember how 5e stat rules work they sort of just flushed out of my head instantly but to me stats are forever 10 as the baseline normal person with a believable amount of training in it (adventurer standard), 11-17 normal human achievable in maybe one or two areas with dedication, beyond that ur blessed or got a god on your side and over 20 is you Are a god, and in the reverse direction 9 is talented but untrained, 8 is normal person and less is something went wrong somewhere

[imthefailedartist]

The Bubble 2022

This movie is very long and the novelty of it wore off very, very quickly.

There are funny jokes and scenes, but few and far between. Showing the "Cliff Beasts" final cut wasn't funny after the first time. It's funnier if we just see them acting on green screen then for one scene we see the finished product (Spoiler: the genitals scene) to highlight just how terrible the movie is.

This feels like Judd Apatow wanted a way to force us to accept his other kid as a star. It did not work. Someone famous, who thinks they're normal, wrote it and it's why the movie just doesn't function. They are trying to make fun of the thing but realized the people they are satirizing are their friends.

It could work. It should work. It's got the parts that work and they do, but rarely. If the movie took its premise more seriously and had the ridiculousness happening around the seriousness you've got something. Think Tropic Thunder. It could've worked as a behind the scenes documentary, especially because they make a point to highlight the behind the scenes camera man.

This could've played with language in such an interesting way. "In these unprecedented times" became a meaningless mosh of words after hearing it so often. It could've been such a great joke. A bunch of clueless, spoiled, actors who think their crappy movie is going to be the thing that unites us or whatever saying that in earnest to camera. It would be so funny. Them lamenting about how hard this has been then cut to a crew member who can't go home and is making significantly less and is worried about where the next paycheck is coming from because Hollywood is essentially shut down.

Netflix did this and very well with Death to 2020.

Wishes and Musings

Karen Gillan's character being obsessed with her shitty boyfriend was never compelling. It felt like she never liked him.

The director trying to use this as his comeback or a new director trying to prove themself or a nepotism kid using daddy's money and connections.

The "love story" was pointless. It could've been funny if it was a tactic to get him to behave. He's an actor with a history of not showing up or walking off, so they use her to keep him in line but they actually start liking one another.

What the hell was that bullshit at the end with them fighting for their rights. See that's the problem with this movie being a vanity project. No regular human is going to give a shit about these rich asshole being mistreated. Which they were and that's bad, but it felt shoehorned.

The tik tok star could've felt more out of place, and isolated by the big name actors. But imagine moments of her phone endlessly buzzing with notifications and the stars panicking because they aren't getting the same social media interactions. Dichotomy of fame and internet fame.

Her trying to teach them how to use tik tok but then thinking it's beneath them. Also this would've been a great role for Diana Silvers. Instead we're stuck with Apatows daughter and she's not bringing it.

Keegan Michael Keys character trying to start a cult is funny and the realization moment is great but it's buried because we don't see his character to often.

Dustin trying to imbue more meaning into the movie while the writer a normal person is telling him no one cares about that. They just want to see flying t-rex's get shot in the genitals was great

They could've had a side plot of the crew trying to sabotage production to keep extending filming for more money.

Guz Khan was great. I wish he would've come back.

Needed more of the actors and director being sad about being separated from their families for so long, but also being happy because quarantining together in their big mansions was too much together time.

This movie is 2 fucking hours long. WHY!!! They could've cut this to a tight 70-80 minutes and it would've maybe been funny.

[missinghan]

time lapse ⤖ seo changbin

❖ genre : idiots to lovers! au; long-distance relationship! au; fluff; a teeny tiny bit of angst

❖ word count : 14,9k.

❖ warning : explicit language, suggestive remarks & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you used to see Changbin as a friend until you realized that you both don’t look at each other the way best friends are supposed to. 

one.

Apparently, people like you and Changbin don’t look forward to spring breaks, ever, because you simply cannot see the point in getting pumped for the very few days of sleeping in only to dread every last moment of it. Hence, he keeps FaceTiming you every day and night with such ridiculous reasons it actually boosts your ego into thinking that he misses you. 

Oh, boy were you wrong.

But this time around, he seems so flustered and burnt up all of a sudden it makes a smirk creep its way up to your lips. Seeing him in such a vulnerable state, you’re more than satisfied like a sadistic predator. You can really use some tea right now, it’s been a little boring without any dramas other than Hyunjin being dramatic over how his hair does not look good in any way, shape or form. That alone is enough for you to throw him off a cliff because since when does Hwang Hyunjin not look good?

Changbin asks. “Have you eaten?”

“Yes, I have. You’ve been asking the same question for five minutes straight.” You roll your eyes at him in the bitchiest way possible. 

He questions subconsciously, only to have you narrow your eyes at him. “You have work tomorrow, right?”

“Bin, you have my schedule. Of course, I have work tomorrow.” You utter in disbelief. 

“Can’t I just make up excuses to call my favorite girl?”

You make a gagging noise. “Cut the bullshit. Spill or I’m gonna whip out the big gun.” 

“And what is that?” He drawls the question in boredom. 

You grin at him coyly. “I’m gonna tell Chan to poison you with cilantro.” If Changbin had to choose between eating cilantro and jumping into a tank full of sharks, he’d definitely, without a second thought, sleep with those horrifying fishes with ridiculously deadly teeth. He hates cilantro with an ignited passion, and he’s entitled to that decision for the rest of his life. He’s sworn that he would never eat cilantro as long as he lives. 

“Fine,” Changbin huffs in defeat as he holds his phone up while lying on his bed. “I need your help.”

You twirl the end of your hair dreamily and acknowledge his request. “I like the sound of that, go on.” 

He shoots you a dirty look, proceeding to continue. “How do I get a girl to notice my feelings for her?” 

His words strike through your eardrums like a lightning bolt. You don’t know whether you should be crying or laughing because 1) Changbin was never the kind of guy to be interested in having a girlfriend, he has always kept his hands to himself since forever although girls were more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere; 2) How come he has never talked to you about this? You feel utterly betrayed because the key to having a long-distance relationship is to not hide anything from each other. And he’s doing the exact opposite of that; 3) You don’t feel as happy for him as you’re supposed to and now you feel like a horrible friend. 

“Oh-my-god.” You gasp scandalously. “I’ve been waiting for this day to come my entire life! And it’s happening right in front of my eyes! It’s actually happening! Wait… did you already pop your cherries or…” When Changbin looks like he’s about to put your head on a stick, you quickly realize that you should have just focused on the topic. 

He fakes a smile. “And what day is that?” 

“The day that my best friend asks for relationship advice from me! To finally embrace the most amazing thing to happen in life, called ‘love’! Duh.” You prop your head onto your hand, blowing a few strands of hair out of your face. “So, who is she?” 

“I don’t know if you can really help me Y/N but she’s like 5,000 miles away from me right now—“

“What did you just say?” You cut him off unintentionally. “Is she an exchange student?”

“Yeah? You can say so..” He trails off and scratches the nape of his neck sheepishly. “We met on Tinder and got to see each other later at a uni conference, and she’s really—“

You cut him off again, this time, it’s intentional. “Run, just run away.”

“Why?” He looks at you weirdly. “You’re not making any sense right now.”

You chuckle creepily, making him shudder. He’s never seen you laughing in such a dark tone it makes him wonder if you’ve been possessed or not. “Running away is actually a smart move, my friend. Just get yourself out of the war before there’s blood on those precious fingers of yours. Exchange students get all the attention. Guys or girls, doesn’t matter. Students are gonna be attracted to them like a bunch of moths to a tiny spark of flame.”

“But, but—“

You stop him before he can even say something stupid. “No but. And a long-distance relationship too? Not ideal. You can’t just slide into her DMs and ask her to be with you when you’ve only met twice. Unless her feelings aren’t necessarily not mutual. But yeah, I doubt that.” 

“Whatever, I might as well just gonna fly home and watch some shitty movies with you instead.” Changbin purses his lips in boredom and runs a hand through his hair. “Do you wanna watch that zombie movie still? Zombieland right?” 

You nod eagerly because gosh, after months and months, he still remembers. It’s one of those little moments which perfectly showcases how much Changbin cares about you. Because unlike some people, he actually pays attention to what you’re saying. And you would be lying if you said that those little actions of his never made your heart tingle. They do, and it sucks. 

“Damn right, I’m pumped for the sequel, never really got the chance to watch it since college has been nothing but a bitch to me.” 

“You’re so fucking spoiled, Beastie.” He snickers, biting back a smile. But deep down, you can clearly see right through his facade and feel the slight disappointment in his brown eyes. Exchange student or not, if it’s what makes him happy, then you fully support his decision. And if that girl ever tries to pull a dirty move on him? You’ll hunt her down and sell her off to some random mafia organization. 

You laugh wholeheartedly, trying to lighten up the mood. “Listen, if you kept scrolling through Tinder, having a girlfriend wouldn’t be a problem. Because I’m pretty sure there’s not gonna be a single person who’d not swipe right.” 

Changbin cocks a brow. “Why not?”

“Because you’re hot as shit!”

He groans loudly at your bold statement, cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment. “Shut up, mom.” 

You smile cheekily at him. “Love you too, honey boo.”

two.

As much as you clown Changbin for using Tinder since the day he asked you for dating advice, you can’t help but think that you’re a little bit lonely without his company. Funny enough, you also found yourself scrolling through the infamous app for hours and hours until there’s a match. 

The only thing that’s funnier than Changbin asking dating advice from a total fetus than you is you talking big games to him when you haven’t even got laid, not even once. So obviously, you’re so close to pissing your pants as you dread the drive to your date, tremendously. 

“Since when did you even start using dating apps?” Yeji scrunches her nose in disapproval as she starts the engine. You both just finished watching ‘Dolittle’ since Robert Downey Jr. is an icon and you’re not planning on missing out on any of his movies. But that’s not the point because the point is, your roommate knows your impulsive ass too well. Meaning, she’s not letting your day end without giving you something to feel better about it. More straight forward-ly, she’s trying to lighten up your mood before your date can piss you off. 

You singsong, trying to wiggle yourself out of the situation. “Since Seo Changbin asked me about a girl.” You know Yeji just as well as how she knows you, so you’re taking advantage of her carelessness to bring up a whole new topic before she can lure you into ‘the talk’. 

Yeah, ‘the talk’, sounds scary enough if you’re thinking about that one awkward, intimate conversation with parents about how babies are made. You think it’s utterly useless since society is basically corrupted and kids these days are all over the place, watching porns left and right with their parents’ IDs. So having ‘the talk’ with Yeji is definitely not gonna be full of questionable statements in replacement for making love. 

As far as you know, she only forces someone into ‘the talk’ with her when they suddenly have some kind of romantic interest in another human being. Upon hearing that, she’s gonna be out and about, playing the role of God and telling people all of the do-s and don’t-s along with a detailed description of how she’s gonna drag that person to the very bottom of hell if they end up breaking their heart. You’re sure as hell that you’re not ready to talk about it with her. In other words, you’re not ready for her to torment you about some boy that you haven’t even met. 

“Seo Changbin, dating someone?” Yeji fakes a gasp. “Wow, tell me all about it.” 

You roll your eyes at her. “So you knew?” 

You don’t know why you’re even surprised anymore since Changbin tells Hyunjin everything who’d spill everything to Ryujin for their midnight gossip session who’d complain about it to Yeji later on. The cycle is fully completed before you even know it and that does not make you feel any less of a dumbass. 

“Duh,” She purses her lips before making a turn at the second intersection. “Listen, just enjoy your date, I’m not gonna tease you about it until you tell me how much of an asshole that guy is.” 

You sigh in relief, drowning into your seat like a jellyfish. “Thank God.”

“But,” Your roommate drawls the word for a painfully long time. “Can we just talk about how it’s such a shame? You and Changbin would make an extremely adorable couple, right? I kid you not.”

You choke on your own saliva, coughing furiously as your hand desperately tries to roll down the window for some fresh air, mainly for the heat that’s slowly creeping up on the apples of your cheeks. “Who would ship me and my best friend together? That sounds like every drama to ever exist. Ew.” Hissing at her like a snake, you repeatedly fan your face with the hope to rid off the annoying coral tint. 

Yeji narrows her eyes at you and quickly diverts her attention back on the road because no one is getting pulled over on a gorgeous Saturday night, at least not her. She still has to finish the last episodes of the drama she’s been fangirling over. “So you’re telling me that you’re not jealous when Changbin told you about other girls? You’re totally, absolutely, entirely okay with him hanging out with some random chick in Italy?” 

It makes your blood boil even more when she mentions the fact that yes, Changbin is having fun with someone who’s probably ten thousand times hotter than you in Europe, but you’re more pissed off at the fact that she’s always right. Of course, you’re fucking jealous, why wouldn’t you? You can’t even fathom the sheer fury that’s running through your veins. Your heart is pumping pure exasperation into your brain. Even your liver can’t filter such anger. You hate the idea of Changbin wrapping his arms around someone other than you so much you’d rather choke yourself to death than even glance at such sight. 

But, for the sake of a completely normal conversation, your mouth says otherwise. “Why not? He’s not my property, I don’t get to decide who he falls in love with. Moreover, he deserves someone he truly adores. That’s not my business for all I know.” 

“Liar,” Yeji smirks. “Enjoy your date all you want, Y/N. Try not to think about Changbin too much or your date’s gonna flip.”

Again, you can’t stress enough how annoying Hwang Yeji is because somehow, in which you still don’t know how, she can read your mind in a snap of a finger. So it’s no surprise for her to know that you’ve actually thought about dating your own best friend before. It sounds so cliché you might bury yourself alive if you accidentally slip one day and confess your stupid feelings for him. As if on cue, your sixth sense is currently tingling, trying to tell you that you will definitely make a fool of yourself as you try to elaborate on how you feel about Changbin. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” You sneer sarcastically at her as she parks her white Rover right in front of the restaurant. 

The moment you step out of her car, Yeji tosses you a look. “Don’t you dare trip on me Lee freaking Y/N, don’t even try it.”

“I’ll have Minho pick me up, now skittle outta here.” You grimace before shutting the door close. Turning on your heels, you inhale sharply and push the glass door open to enter what seems like literal hell on Earth for the next four hours or so. 

three.

Being on an actual date reminds you of why you never even use dating apps in the first place. 

The only part that prevents you from running away is that Yeji has his dating profile. She knows his number, his occupation, his face, and all that jazz because meeting strangers for the very first time and already eating out with them gives you every right to be paranoid. But you’re not gonna tell him that because you still respect him just fine. And in case he’s acting all sketch, you’re gonna make sure that he’s not going home in one piece. 

Okay, you can’t just blame Jaemin because he’s not an asshole. He really isn’t. He’s a nice guy in general: respectful, confident, and outgoing with a good sense of humor. Respectful? Checked. Confident? Checked. Good sense of humor? Checked. Outgoing? That’s the dealbreaker right there. You don’t hate him for it, it’s just he’s too outgoing for an introverted potato like you. 

Both Jaemin and Changbin have very strong personalities like every Leo should. You’re most definitely not an astrology nerd but you’re educated enough to know that Leos are dramatic, warm-hearted, passionate and impulsive. 

In which, Changbin makes you laugh your ass off until you can’t even breathe whenever he’s whining about you waking him up at 9 a.m. But you gave Jaemin nothing but a scrunch of your nose when he yelped out loud as his mashed potato was too hot. And you kindly offered to finish it for him after knowing that he can’t have dairy products. Changbin’s managed to get you out of the house every weekend even when it’s a simple trip to the mall and whereas, Jaemin makes you feel more of a voiceless being when he continuously brings up one topic after another at the literal speed of light. You almost miss how you can just throw out the most random sentence without being afraid of someone judging you. 

Clearly, Jaemin isn’t the one to blame here. 

Admittedly, it’s just a ‘you’ problem. 

And even more admittedly, it’s just because Na Jaemin is being himself, and will always be himself. He’s never gonna be, and will never be Seo Changbin. 

Seriously, what’s up with Changbin taking over your mind today?

“Do you perhaps wanna watch a movie after dinner— you’re not listening to me, aren’t you?” Jaemin stops mid-sentence when he catches your dreamy expression, for the fifth time that night. 

You quickly regain your composure and sigh in defeat. “Fine, you got me. Again.” Burying your face into your palms, you’re practically choking on your own frustration because you don’t wanna lash out on him just because he’s not your type. “Ugh, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve never been on a date with a stranger before. Who’d have thought talking on texts was so much easier?” 

Jaemin props his head on his hand and makes eye contact with you. He breaks it after a good five seconds to catch you off guard, slowly processing his current thoughts like a lawyer in court. “Let me guess, you’re in a long-distance relationship with someone but since they’ve been away for quite some time, you got bored. So that leads to you, drum rolls, hopping on Tinder to find a one night stand.” He closes in proudly, a triumphant smirk painted on his slightly chapped lips. 

For the first time after hours of dreading Minho to come and pick you up as soon as possible, you can finally let go and have a good laugh. It’s like the pressure of being on a date is gladly lifted off your shoulders and you feel like you’re just catching up with an old friend. Which is weird because Changbin— Would it kill to stop thinking about Changbin for once in your life you dumbhead?

“And how did you know that?” You smile at Jaemin, deciding to focus on him for the rest of the night so that he doesn’t think you’re disrespecting him. A date is still a date. Even when the feelings aren’t mutual, the amount of respect should be.

He slowly takes a sip of his water and chews on his steak after. “Not to be creepy but when you went to use the restroom, a notification showed up and I saw your lock screen. He looks like one of those hot SoundCloud rappers who manages to stay anonymous under their stage name even when they’re mad famous. You know, cool people making dope music without being too problematic like ‘real’ celebrities.” Jaemin says it with such admiration you’re nearly more than ready to rant about how talented of a music prodigy your best friend is. But for the sake of him being your best friend, you’re not gonna do that. Yet. 

“We’re not dating, just childhood best friends.” 

He wiggles his eyebrows at you with mischief laced in his brown eyes. “You have a thing for him then. Aha! I knew it! All best friends are obligated to be together, it’s an unwritten norm of the universe.” Wow, just when you thought that no one would know about your feelings for Changbin other than your annoying, chaotic friend group. 

“In my defense, he was the one who set that photo as my lock screen.” You grunt under your breath but don’t even try to hide it. “I shouldn’t have swiped right.”

“Be grateful that you did.” Jaemin inhales the last bits of his dish with satisfaction, dabbing the sauce on his lips away with a napkin. “Because not only am I paying for the meal, I’d love to meet up again to hear you ramble about the boy on your phone. As friends. Also because you totally saved my lactose intolerant ass back there.” He declares loud and clear, smiling from ear to ear. 

You roll your eyes at him in slight annoyance. “Fine, but I’m paying for the movie tickets.”

Jaemin extends his fist. “Frozen 2? I know a place that’s having it tonight.”

“You got it, broski.” You chuckle and bump your fist with his while your heart is yelling at you to get the fuck out of this restaurant because you’re about to suffocate yourself with the amount of painstakingly awkward silence that this place possesses. 

Before you even know it, you’re walking out of the Hilton Hotel with an empty bucket of popcorn in your arms as Jaemin hogs two cups of Coke which are left with nothing but ice cubes right beside you. It’s like the whole being too cautious thing that’s been driving you insane has disintegrated into literal dust. Watching a movie with Jaemin feels like you’re babysitting your non-existent little brother while your parents are out of town and Minho is bar-hopping with the guys. Except for the fact that he gave you his hoodie because the cinema’s ACs are ridiculously cold as always. But it’s really nice, actually, because although the date didn’t turn out how you expected it to be, you did make a new friend. 

That rarely happens so you’re definitely giving yourself a pat on the shoulder. 

“The plot was kinda messy, don’t you think?” You ask him after tossing the bucket into a nearby trash can. 

Jaemin nods in acknowledgment and swings an arm around your shoulder. “It was all over the place, I’m with you all the way. And Elsa in that purple dress too? Yikes.”

You laugh with him, continuing the conversation with much less ‘watch what you’re saying’ and more ‘actually enjoy the date for the sake of it’ until you both reach the parking lot. “Drive safe and text me when you’re home, okay?” You remind him like the bossy person that you are as you pull out your phone from your purse. 

“You’re not my mom.” Jaemin snickers and his fingers hover above the tips of his keys inside his pocket. “Wait, your brother’s picking you up right?”

[9:35 p.m.]

y/n | hey, pick me up already. 

meanhoe | sorry sis, I’m a bit occupied over here. 

meanhoe | just call a ride home or smth.

[9:36 p.m.]

y/n | LEE MINHO ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

y/n | do you have the slightest idea about how many serial killers are lurking the streets, waiting for girls like me to fall right into their traps?

meanhoe | paranoid.

[9:37 p.m.]

meanhoe | let me tell you about how Han Jisung is taking a nap on my lap rn.

meanhoe | in graphic details.

[9:38 p.m.]

y/n | or I can just tell you about that time when mom and dad found you right next to a trash can on a sidewalk instead? 

y/n | it’s a very lovely story, trust me.

[9:39 p.m.]

meanhoe | ugh, what do you want?

y/n | nothing, Jaemin will drive me home.

y/n | goodnight.

[ 9:40p.m. ]

meanhoe | hey! I can make it up to you still!

y/n | I SAID GOODNIGHT.

You toss your phone back into your purse in pure disappointment. And with a prolonged sigh, you turn to Jaemin. “He abandoned me. Can you give me a ride home?”

He cackles at the scowl on your face and gestures you towards the seat next to the shotgun window. “Hop in.”

four.

“Wow,” Minho utters. “Just wow.” 

“It’s you again, why am I still surprised at this point?” 

He grins coyly and slips the keys into his pocket before running a hand through his bed head. Chuckling creepily, he watches as Changbin struggles to roll both of his suitcases across the bumpy surface of your front porch. “You left my sister crying with a bucket of ice-cream for Italy. How does that feel? You know, to finally be free from her ?” Minho inquires with an amused smile. “But on a serious note, she missed you, very much so. Did you even tell her about this?

“Minho, it’s supposed to be a surprise. Do I have to translate ‘surprise’ into whatever the fuck of a language that all snakes speak in general or you’re fully capable of doing that yourself? Also, it would be so incredibly kind and generous of you to actually comprehend my messages.” 

Minho chuckles and leans back against the wall comfortably. “Why not move back here then? Aren’t you done with your degree already? Or did Italy blind you with their good food and hot girls? You’re quite qualified to be my roommate.” He drags the last part. “Just wish you didn’t have to give me that attitude whenever I’m trying to start a civil conversation.” 

Changbin scoffs at him, clearly uninterested. And Minho’s definition of a civil conversation just concerns him even more. “I have enough qualities to be your roommate? Let me guess, smart ?” 

“Secretly a nerd.” Minho tuts. 

Changbin shoots him a dirty look. “Composed?”

“I’d say indifferent and stubborn.” 

“Brave enough to kill some stupid bugs for you?” 

Minho rolls his eyes. “More like painstakingly reckless.”

“You literally fell off the couch when Jeongin accidentally popped a balloon with his pen.” 

A smirk blooms on his lips. “But you gave him an entire lecture about why he shouldn’t bring pens to a party. Inspiring leadership.”

“Looks good in black?”

Minho looks unimpressed. “Everyone looks good in black you moron.”

“Then why the fuck are you trying to pull me into your system?!” Changbin throws his hands upwards, a frustrated groan escapes his lips. “You know I hate commitments. They give me anxiety. Especially when it involves you.” Which is not entirely correct because he did have a date last week or should have had a date last week. He was so close to pissing himself in the middle of a Michelin rated restaurant. But lucky him, his date flaked out on him before he could start having a full-on mental breakdown inside the restroom. 

A glint of curiosity ignites in Minho’s orbs. “Because you absolutely have no life whatsoever.” He starts calmly, going back and forth within the limited space of the hallway. “And don’t even get me started about your love life. It’s drier than Chan’s attempt at making macarons. Oh and remind me, did your goldfish die or did you kill him? Did he die or was he killed? Or was it both?” He taunts further, and further, and further until he’s hanging on that weird borderline between having Changbin lunge at him like a predator and succeeding at luring him back to Seoul. “I’m being as kind as my mind can possibly allow without a drop of caffeine so you better take it while you’re at it.”

Changbin is fuming with nothing but pure anger. He’s so fucking close to crush every single strand of liveliness left inside of the man in front of him until he turns white like a complete ghost. But he’s also convinced that Lee Minho is just a non-biological heir of the Angel of Death. Hence, getting rid of him is impossible. “Come over here and make me.” Crossed arms, he’s determined to not leave the city without at least throwing a punch at Minho’s ridiculously perfect face. 

“What are you? Four?”

Changbin stops himself from throwing hands at him and turns on his heels. “Nothing, it’s just that I don’t really like you all that much.” He makes his way to the kitchen, tossing his black beanie onto the counter. 

“Yeah, me neither.”

He protests triumphantly. “See?”

“Listen up you man child,” Minho grits and walks behind him through the living room, passing by a hungover Jisung with Woojin on top of him at an unusually persistent pace that seems to cover up the bubbling anger inside his stomach. “Would you stop what you’re doing and listen to me when I’m trying to prove my own point? I’ve known you for all my life—“

Changbin interrupts him. “Those times when you passed by me at the library and made fun of me for studying for finals in high school? Doesn’t count.”

Minho hides behind a rather cheerful voice, his stare colder than an ex-wife’s fighting for custody over her child in court. “That doesn’t matter! Y/N went out with some guy last night and even let him drive her home. I don’t even know if she’s okay or not since she wouldn’t pick up for the past hour. And I just can’t let those two idiots at home alone, completely unaware of their surroundings.” Changbin shoots him a weird look and he quickly brushes it off with a click of his tongue. “Don’t ask.” 

Changbin chokes on the can of Coke that he just grabbed from the fridge. “Wait, so she’s not here?”

“She moved in with Yeji months ago in an apartment near college, didn’t she tell you ?”

“No?” He raises a brow. “And what date? Who? How? Where? When?” 

Changbin’s starting to panic a little bit because if you were to be on a date, you’d most likely hide in the restroom just to text him for a good five minutes. Very much like him. Anyway, he’s also quite concerned about the fact that you didn’t reply to Minho’s texts all morning. Maybe he’s overthinking again but he knows that you’ve forced yourself to be a morning person even when it’s the holiday since you don’t wanna dread bringing back your old habits when a new semester hits. 

Minho drums his fingers against the dining table. “Who? Some boy called Jaemin? How? Tinder. Where? The Hilton Hotel. When? Last night until almost 10 I believe.”

Now Changbin’s fully entered panic mode because since when did you even use Tinder? And not tell him about it too? What if you’re already kidnapped and sold to some creepy people from China to make profits off your organs? “That’s it. Give me her address, I’ll go.” He drops his backpack onto the floor and grabs his coat, downing the last few drops of his beverage in a rush. As soon as Minho texts him your address, Changbin dashes straight through the front door like a tornado to the point that it has Woojin facepalming himself on Minho’s dad’s old carpet. 

“My job here is done.” Minho cracks his knuckle and takes a seat at his family’s dining table, picking up his phone only to receive a text from you. 

[8:23 a.m.]

y/n | ugh, is your friend gonna come over to pick up the speaker or what? it’s been fifteen minutes.

y/n | and what’s his name again? Jackson?

meanhoe | yeah, he’ll be there in ten.

meanhoe | eat a chill pill sis, I’m in charge.

five.

You frown furiously at the series of messages that you and your brother have been sending each other for the past ten minutes. Something smells fishy, and you can already see that stupid, self-indulging smirk spread across his face without him being right next to you. But then again, no one really knows what’s going on inside that disturbing glimpse of thing called ‘a brain’ inside his head because magically, and spontaneously, everything works out whenever he’s in charge. 

Except when he’s in the kitchen with Jisung and Hyunjin as his cannot-be-anymore-useless vice-cooks, aka when they’re holding onto each other for dear life the moment Minho cracks an egg onto a heated pan with oil boiling along the edges. 

“Ugh, Yeji! It’s supposed to be your turn to do laundry, you ass.” You repeatedly hit your roommate’s sleeping figure with a pillow, slightly mad at the fact that she’s still in bed when you’re done with grocery shopping. Sometimes you wonder if her only talent is sleeping through earthquakes. Maybe that’s how she has mad stamina and can still do a decent thirty minutes of cardio after dance practice. 

Yeji mumbles nonsense into her pillow and slaps your hand away only to bury herself under the wool blanket again. It takes every strand of energy left inside of you to pull the soft fabric over her head and onto the floor it goes. “Why are you making such a fuss out of me forgetting to do laundry ?” She sits up grudgingly like a zombie digging itself up from its own grave and yawns obnoxiously. 

You blink numerous times at her in disbelief. “Uhm, hello? Because I don’t have anything to wear? And also, FYI, it’s almost ten, okay? Wake up Sleeping Beauty. Prince Charming isn’t available today.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” She whines loudly before dropping onto her backside in defeat. “You’ve never binge-watched any dramas before, you’d never get it.” Hey, it’s not your fault she chose to stay up until 3 a.m. for a stupid drama. You’re not gonna tolerate her complaints about migraines after having lunch, not this time. 

“Besides,” She glances at you before throwing an arm over her head dramatically. “You look good in that hoodie, where did you get it?” 

You grab various pieces of clothing dangling off of her bed and her beige-colored computer chair as you ponder about your life choices. “Na Jaemin, who else? God, and I need to give it back to him too.” 

Yeji teases. “Are you making an excuse to meet him again?”

“We didn’t click, that’s all I have to say.” A smirk finds its way to your lips. “I basically adopted him now, so yes, I am making an excuse to meet him again because a mother has every right to see their son.” 

“You’re so weird.” Your roommate purses her lips before turning her back against you. 

You scroll through your feed in pure boredom. “What do you want for lunch? Wait, it’s too early for lunch, what about brunch?”

“Anything will do.” Yeji shrugs, not even trying to get out of bed when it’s already 9 a.m. So naturally, you’re already facepalming yourself at her questionable sleeping habits. 

Now, where is that guy Jackson?

As if on cue, your doorbell rings. You’re dead meat to me. You roll up your sleeves and put on your ‘formally serious’ face before grabbing the tote bag right beside your couch. Without even checking who’s there through the peephole, you swing the door open in a rush. “Look, Jackson, I’m really not in the mood to invite you inside for tea nor biscuits so just take the speaker and—“

“Y/N, I don’t need a speaker, stop bombarding me with information that my brain can’t even comprehend. And who the hell is Jackson?” Changbin puts his hands up as if you’re holding him at gunpoint. And you almost laugh out loud at how he looks like he just found out Trump is president, he— wait, Changbin’s here?

You subconsciously drop the speaker without noticing that you might break something before Jackson actually gets here. “You came back?!” Your mouth automatically goes agape, utterly speechless. 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” He chuckles when you crash yourself into his embrace as an attempt to hide your teary eyes. Meeting Changbin in person again feels like a rollercoaster full of mixed emotions, you have so many things to say but nothing comes out right. Maybe it’s best if you just keep your mouth shut for the time being. 

And thank God he still smells the same and doesn’t shower himself in ridiculously expensive cologne like other guys because you’d disown him if he starts smelling like a Tommy Hilfiger store. Changbin gently wraps his arms around your waist, rocking you from side to side. “You missed me that much huh?” Suddenly tongue-tied, he’s officially lost the ability to form a proper sentence when you hold onto him so tightly, so desperately. 

When you pull away, you don’t even know what to say when so many things are running through your mind at the speed of light. After all those years, he’s changed. Yes, people change. But Changbin changed, for the better. He looks impeccable even in a simple black t-shirt with a grey bomber jacket thrown over his figure. Wait, has he been hitting the gym? You swear, last time you saw him he was five times smaller. His jawline can now cut you too apparently. Years of friendship and you just found out your best friend is an actual health freak. 

“As if..” You sniffle into the crook of his neck, tears continuously streaming down on your cheeks. Eventually, you give in. “Fine, I did miss you.” 

Changbin laughs wholeheartedly, sending vibration throughout your entire body. “Missed you too, Beastie.”  And it’s there again, that fuzzy feeling tickling the pit of your stomach. It feels wrong, and your heart knows that too well. To the point that you’re afraid of your own feelings for him, that you’d hurt him, or he’d hurt you. You just can’t decide if confessing to him is worth the risk of destroying your friendship forever. But it’s most definitely not. Maybe it’s better this way. 

“Wait,” Changbin scrunches his nose and pulls away. “You smell like a guy.” Then something rings a bell inside of him. “Right, you went on a date with some cute boy without telling me? Explain yourself.” 

You scratch the nape of your neck sheepishly, slightly embarrassed. “Well… long story short, I got bored and downloaded Tinder. He was cute, but not compatible.” 

“There you are, what took you so long?” Yeji pops her head out of her bedroom, almost giving you a heart attack. 

You toss her a look. “What do you mean ‘what took you so long? Did you know? Again ?” And she nods apologetically. “Why the fuck do I feel so left out right now? Are you guys setting me up for something sketchy? Who’s in charge?” 

“Your brother, obviously.” 

You step aside so that Changbin can walk into your living room before shutting the front door closed. “Zip it, he’s adopted.” 

six.

Kim Woojin, as always, throws his annual ‘welcome back’ BBQ party whenever someone returns from a long trip for a fairly long time. Of course, he would never leave Changbin hanging. 

Which, also means you’re obligated to accept the fact that he just single-handedly dragged you out of your apartment with the most minimal of physical effort. So now you’re stuck inside his stupid kitchen, with your siblings (no not Minho, not that heathen), potatoes. You look so incredibly alike your brother might actually be whatever with the harsh truth that you can’t stop taunting him about how he’s adopted. 

Anyway, because you’ve always been terrified about the thought of accidentally having your sleeves caught on fire, Chan just shooed you back inside to work on the potato salad. And the worst part of making a potato salad? Peeling the skin. Seriously, you’d marry someone who invented an automatic potato peeler, that’d be godsend privilege. 

The saying goes : ‘When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade’. Likewise, but in your case, it’s : ‘When life makes you cook, get yourself a best friend who’s good at it instead’. Problem solved. Changbin might not be as great as *snorts* Minho, but he did manage to survive multiple months in Italy without spending too much money eating out when he’s very, absolutely, entirely financially capable of doing that for the rest of his life. He appreciates home-cooked food because of the process, the time, the effort, the love that every family member (or one family member) put into the dishes. And it may not be something that’s Gordon Ramsay-approved, but gathering around at the same table gives people the chance to catch up, to communicate, to care more. 

And what does that mean? Well, that means when Changbin, fortunately, makes it out of the war zone in Woojin’s backyard where Hyunjin is chasing Jisung with a dead spider between his metal tong, he finds out that he just, in fact, got himself into another disaster. Bits of potatoes’ skin is everywhere, scattered randomly from the kitchen aisle to the wooden cutting board. Bottles of mayonnaise and mustard are lying lifelessly across the dining table, saucing dripping from the opened caps. And jars of different spices look like they just got dumped into one big bucket, mixed together, and then carefully divided them evenly into each one again. Changbin is utterly alarmed right now and he can’t decide whether he should be helping you or just run away. But since it’s you, he can’t simply turn on his heels and leave because chances are, you’re gonna fucking stab him in his sleep. 

“Woah, who did you kill ?” He gasps, taking slow strides toward your figure standing at the kitchen aisle. 

You blow a few strands of loose hair out of your face, crying dramatically. “My sanity, it’s long gone.” You tell him as you try to stir the mixture of mayonnaise, paprika, apple cider vinegar, celery seeds, mustard, and sweet pickle relish in a stainless steel bowl with a wooden spoon, trying hard not to ruin Jaemin’s favorite hoodie. “And if you’re not planning on giving me a hand, then the exit is right that way. No one’s stopping you.” 

Changbin shakes his head at you in disapproval for a hot minute before pulling your hair free from the loose bun, accidentally dousing himself in the more than familiar scent of your shampoo. Fresh, and a bit pepperminty, he missed this so much it’s starting to get creepy. Basically his heart just swells, but he’s gonna choose to be in denial like usual. “Better get your hair out of your face first.” He says and effortlessly puts your messy, black mop of hair into a high ponytail. It’s not like he hasn’t done this before because Changbin tends to play with your hair a lot while you’re both on a Netflix marathon. But this time, you didn’t know what it was, but the moment the tips of his fingers brushed past your bare skin, they sent electricity down your spine and goosebumps rose on your skin. The fact that your little heart feels like it’s running on a treadmill for hours doesn’t make it easier to deny how much he can affect you without even trying.

“Why are you still wearing that hoodie ?” Changbin points out, confused. 

You answer monotonously, still mad at your roommate. “Because Yeji forgot to do laundry. So I have nothing to wear.” You hate her even more now because she’s probably gonna be out and about, going to questionable parties with Ryujin until dawn and asking for a cup of water when she gets back home on your bean bag chair. “I’m gonna have to return it to Jaemin soon.” 

Changin snickers. “Yeah, you better.” He finishes chopping up the hard-boiled eggs, celery, sweet onions, and fresh dill, dropping the ingredients into the dressing that you just made. 

“So,” You walk over to the dining table to grab the bowl of chopped potato. “How did your date go? Was she cute or did she look like a potential serial killer? Wait, serial killers can look cute.” You shiver at the thought of losing your best friend in some foreign country because someone can literally be kidnapped in a span of fifteen to twenty seconds. So you don’t see the point of being ashamed about always being paranoid. 

Changbin helps you pour the dressing over the potato before stirring the goodness together with a wooden spoon. “Ah, that,” He scratches the nape of his neck sheepishly. “She’s okay I guess. But you never know, talking over text is always easier.” 

You decide to let Changbin finish up the dish and grab some paper towels to wipe down the table and counter. “So you guys never met up ?”

He looks hesitant to tell you. “Technically, we were gonna see each other every day because of the internship but I guess no? Our schedules aren’t exactly compatible. Maybe I’ll just ask her out again when I fly back.” 

You stop cleaning up the mess on the kitchen aisle and turn your attention onto your best friend. He’s nibbling on his bottom lips, guilt is evident in his eyes. 

“What internship?” You ask. 

seven.

Seo Changbin used to have ( and still has ) a soft spot for you. And everyone knows that all too well. 

He wasn’t kidding when he said that you’re his favorite girl. He wasn’t kidding when he said that he’d take a bullet for you. But you kinda wish that he was because falling in love with your childhood best friend just sounds so wrong on so many levels altogether. Jaemin night be right, it is written in the stars for some people to fall in love with their best friend but that life is not for you. There’s just something about the idea of Changbin and you as lovers that twists an immediate knot in your stomach. Sometimes you wish he doesn’t have to be so affectionate towards you so that you can give up on the one thing that’s holding you back : false hope. 

He would always drag you out of bed in the middle of the night to watch the stars and talk with him even when you guys were practically inseparable. Your group of friends constantly tells you that Changbin could never keep his hands to himself when it comes to you but realistically, he’s just a secretly clingy person who loves cuddling. But those little moments where you guys were sharing the same bed, snuggling into each other’s presence like it’s the last sense of comfort in the entire world were the ones you cherish the most. They can make you smile stupidly to yourself all day. 

And Changbin never failed to surprise you too. He once made the whole fancy breakfast in bed with flowers that only happens in movies and you couldn’t stop talking about it. Even ‘till this day, you still can’t shut up about it. He only brushed it off and told you that he wanted to spoil you since it’s your birthday but you took it as something much more than just a birthday present. Because those little actions of his are what set your heart on fire and you feel like it could combust anytime if he keeps looking at you so tenderly all the time.

Changbin isn’t a man of many words because he truly believes that actions speak louder than words. At least for him, his actions are much more powerful than his words. But that doesn’t mean his words never had any kind of effect on you. Because they did, greatly. You still remember how you’d always wake him up in the middle of the night because your stupid brain cells decided to give you a mental breakdown after bottling feelings up for so long. But Changbin didn’t just scold you for keeping everything to yourself, he did something else much more magical and much more comforting than any advice you could ever have. 

He’s written plenty of songs for you before, and you can still vividly hear the familiar melodies every now and then whenever you’re in a really dark place. 

It felt like a tight hug when you were all alone and in distress. But what sucks is that it makes you miss him even more. Where in the world is he? What is he doing? Does he have a decent life? Moreover, is he happy? You were always worried sick about Changbin because he’s that type of guy who works his ass off for things that he’s passionate about but he’d be willing to do something else for others because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Hence, upon hearing about him turning down an internship just to fly back, you didn’t know what to say or think. 

You yell at Changbin. “Are you out of your mind?!” 

He huffs in disbelief. “I’m a fully grown man who has every right to make my own decisions so I chose to visit my friends instead of torturing myself inside a studio. Yeah, sue me!”

“Do you have any idea how many opportunities and chances that internship would bring? There’s no need for you to do that just because of us!”

Changbin points out snarkily. “Well, you were the one who decided to call me at 3 a.m. every single day, complaining about your insomnia and shit.”

You gasp scandalously. “Why are you even saying that? It’s like you don’t even know me! I’m trying to put your benefits before mine, why is it so hard to understand that? Are you trying to say that I’m the bad guy in this conversation?”

“Maybe you are,” He says through gritted teeth. “Likewise, I’m trying to put my friends first instead of locking myself up within four soundproof walls twenty-four hours a day, five days a week, until spring break is over. You are being fucking ridiculous!” 

You’re slightly taken aback when Changbin had the audacity to say such things. Why is he still so fucking stubborn? “I’m the one who’s being ridiculous? Me trying to not get my best friend's talent wasted, me trying to not have my best friend make the rest of his break go wack because all we do here is apparently get drunk, eat, sleep, and repeat. That, is being ridiculous ?” You let out a humorless laugh. “Well, if I need to keep on doing that in order to keep you on track with your dream, then I fucking will.”

He hisses at you. “What are you? My mom? I’m a fully grown adult for fuck’s sake!” 

“Yes, I am technically your mom since the day you threw up on my dress in kindergarten. I even wiped your puke off of your face, you ungrateful brat.” 

“Uhm guys, you might wanna tone it down..” Felix tries to cool off the situation since he doesn’t really enjoy eating dinner while two people are continuously throwing daggers at each other with their eyes. 

Another thing, no matter how whipped you are for Seo Changbin, there’s still this little demonic part in your heart that screams to strangle the light out of his eyes every single day. Even back then, you guys bickered like there’s no tomorrow without a care in the world. Fortunately, your problems were always quick to be resolved because you just could never bring yourself to hate him even when you wanted to. He’s just that contagious, never fails to put a smile on your face nonetheless. 

So naturally, it’s ten minutes into the BBQ party in Woojin’s backyard and you’re more than ready to fight him. Metaphorically, not literally because you’re too utterly soft for him anyway. 

“Shh, shh,” Minho easily shushes Felix up with his index finger over his lips. “Lix, keep it down, the Petty Olympics is just getting started.” 

Jeongin purses his lips. “You’re such a snake, did you know that?” He’s obnoxiously chewing on the slices of grilled steak that Chan just took off the iron rack. Like Felix, he wishes to enjoy dinner in peace but that has not happened for quite some time and he’s already sick of it. 

Minho rolls his eyes at the younger boy with nothing but disgust in his eyes. “Wow, what a truly shocking revelation, Jeongin. It’s for the irony, sarcasm is needed in order for my joke to work.” He sips on the glass of whiskey in front of him like how he simply sips on his coworkers’ complaints about their relationships every morning. “Now run along, grab your monthly paycheck and buy yourself a sense of humor.” 

Jisung snickers. “Wow, is he mean today—“ 

You cut Jisung off unintentionally, huffing with such determination. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

Changbin says casually. “It’s not like I want to.”

“I will break you.” You give him your best death glare.

He tips his imaginary hat with a smirk tugged on his lips. “If that’s what makes you happy, then I certainly cannot wait for it, Little Mistress.”

eight.

It’s the second time you’re hanging out with Jaemin and still, you can’t bring yourself to develop any non-platonic feelings for him. Do you really want to date him? Not really. Again, he’s not a bad guy. In fact, girls can just pass by you both walking by the Han River and they’re already eyeing him up and down like an expensive piece of steak. 

Maybe it’s something about trying to push Changbin out of your mind for once in your life. Or it can be something about the fact that he actually has some kind of romantic interest in his Tinder date. Or you’re just being ridiculous and totally overthinking the situation. 

It’s sad, but you’ll have to accept it sooner or later. You see Jaemin as nothing but a friend, and a little brother because he’s funny, respectful, and everything you can ask for in a guy. But, at the end of the day, he’s just not Changbin. 

And although you’re madly in love with your best friend, it seems like Jaemin gets you and manages to keep your mind off of him for the day so that you don’t end up crying alone in one of the bathroom stalls. You can’t be any more thankful. 

“You seriously didn’t have to watch ‘Dolittle’ twice just because of me,” Jaemin tells you as you both stand at the front door of the movies, hugging his bucket of popcorn closer to his stomach. 

You smile at him. “Robert Downey Jr. is worth watching any movie twice. That’s why I’m still not over the Endgame depression phase because I may or may not watch it one too many times.” 

He rolls his eyes at you and proceeds to throw his garbage away. “Crybaby.” Then, he wraps his arm around your shoulder and walks you towards the entrance. “I had fun tonight. Thanks, Y/N, it means a lot. Should I walk you home?”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t.” You answer cheekily. 

Jaemin teases, “Because your boyfriend might show up and punch me in the face?” 

“Shut up! He’s not my boyfriend!”

“Woah, I didn’t even say who it was. You’re so whipped for him.”

You elbow him in the stomach, earning a low grunt from him as a response. “I shouldn’t have given you your hoodie back. I should have burnt it or something.”

He wiggles his eyebrows at you, holding onto the paper bag that you brought tightly. “No, keep it if you want to. You look good in it.” 

Before you can even clap-back at him with a witty retort, your phone vibrates inside your pocket. “Sorry, someone texted me.”

[ 9:23p.m. ]

meanhoe | Y/N WHERE ARE YOU?!

meanhoe | SOMEONE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE!

meanhoe | I’m upstairs rn, but there were some sketchy sounds earlier. I think they’re in our kitchen.

meanhoe | Bin’s still in the living room!

meanhoe | COME HOME!!

Oh. My. God. 

nine.

“Changbin, pick up, pick up,” You murmur and keep pacing back and forth at your parents’ front porch, frantically fumbling with your phone in your hands. “Goddamnit just pick up!” You groan out of frustration when you can’t even open the door because it’s locked, and Changbin’s not doing a great job at responding to your calls either. Which can only mean one thing, he’s being held hostage inside along with your brother and the intruder’s probably confiscated their phones. 

You’d take a bullet for Changbin if that’s the last thing you could do for him. There are no words to fathom how important he is to you, so now instead of thinking of how to save his ass, you’re stupidly, foolishly thinking back to high school where he would always eat lunch with you whenever Minho’s too caught up with practice, where you both would lie under an ugly tree at the very back of your school’s enormous backyard, trying to do homework and dozing off five minutes after. Changbin’s been with you through thicks and thins, with all of your ups and downs. His lack of doubt for you was what helped you survive those horrendous years and you’ve decided that you’re not gonna let go of him, not in this life. 

Therefore, you’re about to do something dumb. That something is going to prevent your best friend from getting murdered. But the chances of getting your head blown into bits are undeniably high too. That wouldn’t matter now, would it? If the intruder dares to tick you off, he best believes that you’re gonna fucking take him down with you. 

Mustering all of the courage you have left, slowly, your fingers hover over the doorknob, the other on the wooden surface, ready to bang on it like a crazy person. You inhale sharply and close your eyes. 3..2..1..

The door suddenly swings open, causing you to stagger forward and your eyes widen in panic. “Y/N? What the hell?” Changbin catches you in time and frowns furiously at your soaked figure. Your hair and clothes are doused with rain, the tips of your fingers as cold as ice from staying outside for so long. You flutter your eyes open at his words, mouth grows agape when you find out that your current position can’t be any more awkward. 

Great, now what?

Wait, where’s the intruder? “Are you okay?!” You mindlessly throw yourself at him, holding onto him so tightly like he’s gonna disintegrate into thin air once you let him go. Blood is roaring inside your ears, your heart is picking up its pace as you have so many questions, so many things to say but.. he seems pretty okay? “Is Minho okay too? Where is he? Why didn’t you pick up my calls? Why was the door locked?” 

Changbin pulls away softly to prevent you from hearing his heart thumping vigorously inside of his rib cage, eyes as wide as a goldfish’s. “What? Minho’s downtown today to meet up with his old friend who’s studying abroad. Didn’t he tell you?” 

“No?” You knit your brows together and take a full ten seconds to process what just happened. Why do you feel like you just got played? 

He closes the door and walks you inside. “And why the hell do you look like a wet rat? Did you just walk home? Weren’t that Jaemin guy supposed to drive you instead?” You purposely ignore his questions and continue to piece the little amount of information that you have together. But once you throw a glance at your parents’ living room, you see a box of fresh, piping hot Hawaiian pizza with ‘Fast and Furious’ playing on the forty-eight inches TV. With that, everything makes sense. 

You ran home as fast as you possibly could, under the rain when it’s dark outside all alone and this is how your brother repays you? 

“Wow,” You utter, somewhat lightheaded. “I need to sit down.” You tell Changbin when he comes back with a white fluffy, towel. He clicks his tongue in annoyance, wordlessly bringing the towel to your head as an attempt to dry off your hair. You’re startled by his sudden affection, cheeks growing pink as you avoid eye contact. 

Changbin caresses your cheekbone gently as if you’re far too fragile for him to touch and you just play dumb by batting your eyelashes repeatedly to shake the droplets of rain away. He quickly snaps out of it, taken aback by his own action. “Would you care to tell me what happened before I put you on trial?” He says with his arms crossed.

Your blood slowly boils as you choke on your own exasperation.“Minho told me that someone broke into our house and basically held you hostage. So I rain-checked on Jaemin, ran home only to find you in one piece with a pizza while watching ‘Fast & Furious’.” You hide your face behind your palms in sheer embarrassment as Changbin cackles his ass off in his annoyingly adorable laughter that makes you crack up every time. 

He throws his head back and continues to laugh wholeheartedly, holding onto his stomach for dear life. “He got you good, wow. So much for supporting his sister’s second date. I’m sure he just wants to make sure that you’re home before twelve.” 

“HE COULD HAVE JUST PICKED ME UP HIMSELF! HELLO?” You throw your hands in the air, huffing. You swear to God, Minho’s dead meat to you tomorrow morning. Your brother knows your feelings for Changbin all too well and he’s just doing everything he can to kick Jaemin out of your love life but the irony here is Jaemin was never there in the first place. But, Minho’s an evil mad genius so he still succeeded in pushing you back to Changbin when you’re trying to avoid him the most. Props to him, you’re now stuck inside a house with your best friend because your parents are currently going on vacation in Bora Bora. 

That wouldn’t be a problem unless you’re madly in love with him. But you are, and it sucks. 

You exclaim, smacking Changbin’s arm, causing him to whine loudly. “Would you stop laughing? I was scared that you’re gonna get murdered!” 

In a split second, he pulls you flushed against him, rocking you back and forth as he ruffles your hair. When the vibration of his chuckle emits from his chest just makes your heart skip a beat. Changbin’s never been the cheesy, romantic type like Hyunjin but sometimes he does these things that just messes up your heart more as if it’s not already all over the place. 

“Come on, Beastie, go change your clothes. I wouldn’t wanna cuddle with a sick person.” 

ten.

One shower and five minutes later, you’re on the sofa right beside Changbin with your head rested comfortably on his shoulder. The first episode of ‘The Umbrella Academy’ is blaring clamorously on your dad’s TV as your eyelids grow heavy, hanging on the edge of shutting before your favorite character even pops up. 

Changbin notices your sleepiness and pulls the wool blanket closer to your body, high enough to cover the rest of your shoulders as you snuggle into the crook of his neck. He pouts at the box of pizza and two empty bottles of Henny before playing with your hair, braiding a small section of it in boredom. He’s definitely not the type to rewatch any shows but since you’re just so pumped for the second season, you insisted that you two should binge-watch season one all over again. Obviously, he doesn’t see the point because he already knows everything, how does rewatching it has anything to do with getting him ready for the next season? Besides, you’re already falling asleep when it’s only ten minutes into the episode. 

But is Changbin gonna let you sleep in peace just like that after all those years of you waking him up at an ungodly hour? Nope. 

“Hey,” He nudges you with his elbow. “They said there wouldn’t be a second season.” 

You jolt up from your sleepy state, eyes shooting open in utter surprise and disappointment. “Wait what?! Why not?!” You cry out dramatically, hands batting in midair like a madwoman as if they’re looking for something to hold onto. Soon enough, you plop yourself back onto the couch in defeat, letting the alcohol take over your entire body. You can already feel it kicking in as your limbs grow lighter and so does your mind. Gosh, you just wish you weren’t so lightweight. 

Changbin chuckles at you, caressing your hair softly. He pulls you closer to him by your shoulder and takes in your scent like it’s the last sense of comfort on Earth. “You’re so cute when you’re drunk, did you know that?” He studies your features closely, quickly realizing how much he must matter to you for you to show this vulnerable side to him so casually. Giddiness is an understatement for the way that his heart just beats ten times faster, the way his arms hold you close so gently but so tightly at the same time. In this cracked darkness with the insufficient source of light from the TV screen, you’re so beautiful it takes the breath right out of his lungs. You seem too serene to be true, eyes closed, lips slightly agape it makes him wonder how it feels to seal his with yours. 

As if on cue, your favorite character appears on time and you swat the sleepiness away, pointing at the screen with half-open eyes. “Five! He’s so cute, can I adopt him, please?” You giggle and show him those infamous puppy eyes. Changbin can never resist it’s actually frustrating. 

“Yes, you can adopt a serial killer who knows how to travel through time, absolutely.” Changbin facepalms himself. “Honestly, what do you even see in him?” 

“He’s smart and funny, and a total badass. I like how he never sugarcoats things and stays true to himself. But, he also puts others before himself without expecting them to do the same thing back. His actions speak louder than his words because there are countless times where he saved his siblings although he talks to them as if he sees them as nothing more than a bunch of assholes. I admire him in so many ways although he’s just a fictional character. And you know why?” You cock your head sideways, leaning closer. “Because he kinda reminds me of you.” 

Changbin tenses up at the last part. “W-What?” 

The ‘sober Y/N’ would never be brave enough to tell him what you’re planning on saying next. “I love you, Bin. I know that I might not act like I give a fuck, but I genuinely care about you. You mean the world to me.” You blurt mindlessly, hiccuping into his ears. “I really do love you. I just never got the courage to say it.” You hum and toppling over his figure on top of the couch, your legs straddling his. 

“We can’t.” Changbin places his index finger on your lips to stop you from decreasing the distance. “You’re not thinking straight right now.” 

You pull back, frowning. “Why? Because I’m not sober? What do my feelings for you have anything to do with alcohol?” You’re not mad, but rather curious. Either way, you can’t seem to get mad at Changbin for more than ten seconds. 

“I- I don’t wanna hurt you.” He stutters and stops as he sees the heartbroken look in your eyes. It hurts even more because deep down, the sober part in you knows that you’d never fathom enough courage to actually tell him how you feel. And you also know that you’ve just potentially fucked up more than ten years worth of friendship. Changbin’s warm brown eyes stare at you with nothing but pure sincerity. “It’s like I’m taking advantage of you in this kind of state. It’s not right. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” He brushes your hair out of your face and sighs. 

“Bin, you respect me like no one else does. You know it. I know it. We know it. You’re my best friend.” 

“That’s the problem.” He pulls you closer while rubbing little circles on your back. “Promise me that we’ll never change, yeah?” 

You wrap your hands around his neck, a tear threatening to fall from the corner of your eye. “Yeah..promise.” 

“Y/N, you didn’t do anything wrong.” He reassures you as a confirmation, standing up from the couch that he’s been occupying for too long. You keep your gaze low, unable to meet his eyes as you’re ashamed of your own action. You shouldn’t have done that. What were you thinking for fuck’s sake?

Changbin turns off the TV before guiding you towards the stairs in the dark, holding onto your waist tightly enough so that you won’t slip. “Don’t blame yourself on this, okay?”

You voice quietly, almost a whisper. “Okay.” 

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

eleven.

That night, you held onto Changbin like he’s the last thing you’re ever gonna see although you knew too well that it’s meaningless. What’s the point anyways? He just slapped your confession away and that alone was enough for you to understand that he sees you as nothing more than a friend. However, it’s still better than being stuck in that weird gray area that just keeps messing with your mind. You wouldn’t want to get in his way either. So when Changbin tried to peel your hands away from his torso gently in the middle of the night, your eyes remained closed as you rolled on the other side of the bed. 

When you woke up in the morning, he was already gone. 

It’s like he’s never been there all of those years as if he’s just an illusion that your delusional self made up to comfort yourself when things get hard. All of his belongings were nowhere to be found, his bed in the guest room was neatly made, something that he’s never done before. Changbin left no traces, no notes, no messages, no nothing like it’s a natural implement for ‘Don’t bother looking for me, I’m not gonna come back’. But to you, it feels more like ‘You fucked up our friendship, Y/N. I will never speak to you again’. 

Losing a best friend of a lifetime is way worse than going through a breakup. But it hurts more when you’ve unintentionally developed feelings for him when you know too well that it’s not right. It’s not right. And you seriously screwed up. You just hurt the one and only person that’s so incredibly close and special to your heart. Therefore, you’re distraught, unable to do anything right for some of the following days. Utterly destroyed, you can’t seem to stop blaming yourself for what happened. 

Changbin’s done so much for you and you can’t be any more grateful to have him in your life. There was this time where you totally lashed out on him because you were just having a ‘bad day’. He didn’t even get mad at you, he never gets mad at you. Instead, Changbin let you lock yourself up in your room for an hour until he came back with a box of chocolate and flowers. Everything fell right back into its place again and you really don’t know what you did to deserve him. He always goes out of his way, prioritizing others’ benefits rather than his own. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone at all because, in your heart, you know that he can be hurt easily too. 

So it’s no shocker that you’re madly in love with him. You like how he smiles and looks at you like you’re the only person that’s existing in this celestial sphere. You like the sound of his laughter because it reminds you of Spongebob sometimes, it’s ridiculously adorable in the best way possible. You also like how he clings onto you and lets you be the big spoon whenever he’s having a long day, you can’t stop smiling knowing that he finds comfort in your presence. 

The only flaw about him is that he’s all about that healthy life, which is good for him but you’re not adapting that any time soon. And he doesn’t talk about himself enough as he’s always used to listening to others’ problems instead. He’s flawsome, but you’re willing to embrace it all. Yes, as cheesy as it sounds, you love all of him. 

Just because he’s Seo Changbin. 

You stay up for many days, thinking an awful amount and flashbacking to when you’re on top of him, staring at him so tenderly as those idiotic words slipped out of your lips. All of because of one single beer. You just wish you could take it all back. If so, maybe you wouldn’t have lost the person you care about the most. 

“No, she won’t eat no matter what I say.” You can hear Yeji’s voice echoes from the living room as you throw an arm over your eyes. “I don’t think you should see her right now, not when she’s on the verge of breaking down every two seconds.” You don’t even have to look to know that your brother’s outside, probably worried sick about you. Minho might not be the type of person to show affections on a regular basis, but he genuinely cares about the people around him. He just doesn’t know how to express that he cares. 

The front door closes with a small ‘click’, making you jolt up from your bed. Your roommate pushes the door to your bedroom open and runs a hand through her hair. She practically grimaces at the current state of your room : curtains closed, clothes scattered all over the place with you still in your PJs. It’s funny because normally, you’re the one who complains whenever she’s being messy, now Yeji has the perfect reason to pay back. “Jesus Christ,” She frowns when her hands open the beige-colored curtains. “Get yourself together, will you?”

“Leave-me-alone.” You hiss at her like a snake when the light comes flooding in, blinding your eyes in the process. “What do you want? Am I not depressed enough to be at peace?”

She shakes her head and sits down next to your reclined form on the bed, a hand finds its way to your back. “No, you’re just in denial.” Yeji pulls your figure closer, embracing you with as much sincerity that she can muster. She might as well have you scream at her for forgetting to do laundry and waking up late rather than seeing you barely alive like this. If this goes on for too long, you might end up in the ER. And she can care less about whatever you’re planning on doing next because clearly, you’re not emotionally stable enough to make your own decisions right now. 

You look down. “About what?”

“About the fact that Seo Changbin likes you too.” She says softly. “Only a dumbass can’t see that he’s completely head over heels for you.”

You chuckle dryly. “He’s not, he probably hates me.”

“He never hated you, he never hates you, and he will never hate you.” Yeji sighs as you snuggle closer to her chest. “Why would you think that Changbin hates you?” 

Your eyes widen in terror as the night before when he left replays in your head over and over again. The more you think about it, the more you wanna kick yourself for not controlling our own feelings. Three words and your best friend’s gone. He was right, you guys could never, you weren’t thinking straight. Even down to that moment, Changbin put you before him and treated you with nothing but respect. “Because I ruined our friendship. Things are never gonna be the same again. I shouldn’t have fallen for him, I’m so stupid.” You let out an audible groan and bury your face into your palms. 

Yeji peels your hands away and forces you to look at her. “I don’t see why falling for Seo Changbin is considered stupid. You see things in him that no one else does, and you even had the courage to confess how you truly feel, even when it’s because of a bottle of Henny. Not everyone can accept that because people are cowards when it comes to commitment and their own feelings.” She keeps looking you dead in the eye as if she’s testing you. “Look, even if Changbin doesn’t feel the same way. He can never hate you.”

“And why should I believe you?” 

Your roommate laughs in disbelief, shaking your shoulder forcefully. “Are you blind? Do you even hear yourself right now? Haven’t you seen the way that he looks at you, eyes sparkling like puppies and all? If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. Even if it’s not the love that you wanted him to return, he still loves you as a friend. He just ran away because, well, he’s human too. He might need some time to himself and make up his mind.” 

You stare into the distance this time, eyes empty. “True love doesn’t count if it’s not returned, don’t you agree?” 

Yeji rolls her eyes at you, she looks like she’s about to personally drag your ass across the planet, straight to Italy just to make up with Changbin. “Oh-my-god, you’re impossible! Of course, it counts! So what, you’re telling me that your feelings for him after all these years would mean nothing if he doesn’t say those three words back? I know that you’re sad and angry about what happened, but I think it’s much better than bottling everything up all to yourself. You were brave for doing that, Y/N.”

Your lips stay sealed as you decide to listen to her lecture obediently like a child. “Do you think Changbin would want to see you like this? No, no one wants to see you all depressed and miserable. Do you have any idea how worried Minho is? Have you checked the notifications on your phone? It’s not like you can’t move on with life without Changbin, you can and you will if that’s what you have to do.” 

“So..?” 

“Are you gonna step up and get your life back again or what?”

You groan internally, because gosh, you hate it whenever she’s right. 

twelve.

From then on, Changbin’s like a phantom in your life, not because he’s constantly popping out of nowhere to scare the living daylight out of you, but because he’s constantly on your mind. Everything feels a little bit emptier without him. You don’t have to worry about having cilantro in your daily meals because he’s not there to complain about it. And there’s no longer a random cup of chai tea in the fridge on Sunday mornings because he can’t buy you one anymore. 

But at the same time, everything reminds you of him. Like how his pairs of designer shoes aren’t laying around at your front door, how his favorite hoodies aren’t being forgotten at your place intentionally, and how the Stitch stuffed animal he gave you last year still reeks off his significant scent. Everything gives you a hard time to finally let him go, but ultimately, you know that you’ll pull through. And you did. 

You move on with a college degree waiting for you at the end of this dark, bumpy road. Changbin, on the other hand, you can’t say much because his SoundCloud account is currently empty. He deleted every single song, every mixtape, every demo possible as if he’s trying to wipe his existence out of your life completely. Which makes it more difficult for you to muster up some courage and reach out to him again. 

It’s almost a year, and you wish he could have just given you a sign about whether he’s fine with being friends or not. But as always, leaving notes is definitely not his department. The thing is, you feel like you both didn’t just grow apart. You also grew up. 

“Y/N, did you ask me to go to the movies just because you didn’t feel like studying for finals?” Jaemin nudges you with his elbow and you smack his arms in return. Okay, technically you did grow up but old habits die hard, and you’re still procrastinating. Nothing new, but the occasional non-dates with Jaemin somehow helped with the aching part in your heart. You can’t say that he’s your new best friend because gosh, no one could ever replace Changbin. But ever since you found out that you guys go to the same college, you kept running into him on campus. Hence, hanging out with him is practically unavoidable. 

You laugh, letting him swing an arm around your shoulders. “Nope, it’s because I love hanging out with you.”

“Does that naturally imply as you love me?” He grins coyly before approaching your car at the very end of the parking lot. You’ve talked about this before. ‘Love’ is an overstatement for the love that you have for Jaemin. Of course, you love him, just not in a romantic way and he accepts that. Although he does sometimes pull you in as a stunt just to get a discount for buying a couples’ combo. You let him, only because you’re both broke college students who are dreading your own student’s loans. 

“Sure, I just love you so much I can’t even bring myself to say it without doing this.” You slowly feed his ego and your right hand quickly grabs the right side of his ears, dragging him into the driver’s seat of your car. Jaemin stops wincing once you let him go, pouting when you enter through the back door. “Serves you right.” You scoff, throwing him the key to start the engine. 

He rubs his now swollen, red ear in pain, whining out loud like a kid that’s not allowed to buy popcorn when their parents bring them to the movie theatre. “This is domestic violence, I’m suing.” He complains but still hits the gas and starts backing out of the overpacked parking lot. People go wild during the weekends. That’s why you’re letting him drive because you suck. 

You smile satisfactorily. “Ah, enslaved child labor at its finest.” If looks could kill, Minho would probably find your corpse in the car, limbs spread wide open because Jaemin is occasionally tossing you dirty looks through the rear-view mirror as he finds a way to hide a body while driving towards your neighborhood. 

When you get home, you politely offer Jaemin to stay for dinner but he said he’s got a date to catch up with so you just let him be. Yeji isn’t gonna be home until nine because of her shift at the café so you basically have the whole apartment to yourself until your roommate returns from work. 

Exhausted from spending all day on campus and going to the movies after, you quickly get rid of your long coat and plop yourself onto the couch. You waste absolutely no time and automatically hang yourself upside down on the cushioned surface while scrolling through your feed in boredom. You like to change up your position every ten minutes so that you feel less like a potato while your blood circulation isn’t gonna get blocked anywhere. 

The moment you’re about to accept a video call from Jisung, you’re interrupted with a rather strange notification. You decide to text him, saying that you’re busy with a presentation and open the email from an unknown email. The email doesn’t have any specific title and you don’t think it belongs to any of your classmates. However, there’s a file attached to it which makes you even more confused. Who’d send a random video to someone they don’t even know? What if this is some kind of trick that people use for human trafficking? Like once you tap on it, there’s an automatic tracker on your phone and soon enough, you’ll go missing. 

“for_you.mp4”

It makes your heart skip a beat as realization hits you like a truck. Deep down, you know, you know who it belongs to and you’re even more terrified to watch it. But you have to, you have to watch it. With a sharp inhale, your index finger trembles until it comes in contact with your screen, opening the file. 

“Is this thing on?” 

You immediately burst into tears as soon as Changbin appears. You’re stupidly, foolishly crying as he awkwardly adjusts the camera angle, checking himself in the monitor and runs a hand through his hair. Changbin’s wearing that one fitted black t-shirt that he probably bought in big bulks, warm brown eyes peeking through his messy bangs. He’s never looked better to the point that you’re tongue-tied, unable to scream even when you have so many questions, so many things to say. Yet only tears come streaming down your face. You missed him dearly, and here he is finally. 

“Y/N?” Changbin quirks a brow and smiles. God, you missed his smile too. “If you’re watching this video, don’t..post it on social media. It’s gonna be a real tearjerker.” 

You chuckle, wiping your tears away with the sleeves of your hoodie. He didn’t change, at all. “I don’t know if you can still forgive me for what I’ve done, but I still owe you an apology. I’m sorry for running away. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I’m sorry for not treating you right. It’s just when you said that you loved me, it sparked so much skepticism inside my head that even I couldn’t understand what I was thinking. Next thing I know, I was out the door, straight to the airport. I was an asshole and I know that. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself right now because you did nothing wrong. In fact, there’s something that I’ve been wanting to tell you too. I can’t seem to be complete without you. You’re it. You’re my endgame.” 

When Changbin takes in a deep breath, so do you. You nervously scratch onto the black nail polish that’s starting to chip off on your pinkie, waiting for him as he fiddles with his fingers. Suddenly, he looks straight into the camera and laughs. “Why are you still here? You didn’t see the notification, did you?”

What notification?

Your trains of thoughts are once again canceled when your phone buzzes. You’ve just got a notification from an app that you barely touched since Changbin left. “SpearB just posted a new track. Check it out!”

“Neverending Story ( Demo ).” 

Faster than a tick of the clock, you start playing the track, fingers drumming impatiently on one of your throw pillows. “Be mine, yeah?” His raspy voice sounds ten thousand times more attractive because it’s been a while since you’ve heard it and chills run up your spine. Adrenaline is pumping through your veins, your heart hanging on the verge of exploding. The soft instrumental blends in with the piano in the background perfectly, drowning out every other sound in the entire world. But what throws you off is that Changbin starts singing. It’s the first time you’ve ever heard him sing and it’s truly breathtaking that you can do nothing more than sitting there with a hand over your mouth, letting the melody guide your mind. 

“Whenever you smile, whenever you struggle

I'll always protect you

For you,

I can even go against time

Just to appear in front of you

I believe, I believe

Even if the world changes

Can you promise that we won't?”

The first verse bleeds into the pre-chorus, then the chorus itself and Changbin starts rapping, spilling the feelings that he’s been struggling with saying out for you. Every word, every sound, every note hits differently and you feel like you’re already on cloud nine, drifting off into a daze. You can fully acknowledge and feel the ignited passion that he has for you even when he’s more than five thousand miles away, on the other side of the planet. But that’s all you need honestly because what more can you ask for? 

As if on cue, the song ends and there’s a knock at your door. 

Heat rushes up the bridge of your nose as you wobble towards the front door, head still slightly lightheaded from the mixture of emotions. You quickly fix your hair, straightening your hoodie and your toes curl from the nervousness. The moment you twist the doorknob, Changbin backs you up against the wall, shutting the door with his feet. He stares you down intensely, making you feel extremely small in comparison. But those eyes of his are filled with nothing but adoration for you and only you. “I’m in love with you, the same way that you meant it back then. I’ve been in love with you for even God doesn’t know how long. I booked a plane ticket and wrote the song as soon as that thought clicked in me. You’re all that I need. I want you to be my one and only. And I still want you back, so what do you say?” 

Your lips curl upwards softly into a smile. “You’re really outdoing yourself, aren’t you? I confessed to you when I was drunk and not only did you film a video, but you also wrote a song for me?”

“Only for you, Beastie.” Changbin chuckles and pulls you closer, sealing the gap between your lips. He’s done it, he did what he’s been wanting to for his entire life : to know what being in love actually feels like. His kiss isn’t even somewhere near as those movie stars’ that you both used to make fun of every weekend. It’s one that steeped into a passion that flickers at the very pit of your stomach, one that makes you feel like home, like he’s your safe place. Changbin’s said everything that he wanted but he kisses you as a silent promise that he will do stupid things just to be with you, to have you right by his side for the rest of his life. 

He’s the first to pull away, resting his forehead against yours as you both exchange shallow breaths. Smiling at you, Changbin can’t help himself but peppers small kisses all over your face from your forehead to the tip of your nose. 

Life likes to toss you around and fuck you up sometimes but somehow, magically it always puts everything back in its place. The amount of tears that you’ve shed feels like payment for what you’re holding in your arms right now but there’s nothing that you won’t do to be here, in his embrace. Technically, Changbin didn’t have to say those three words back and he only did because he could, not because he needed to. 

Even if he’s five thousand miles away, no one else is closer to your heart than he is. He loves you with all of the madness in his soul.

[marybeatriceofmodena]

Ben Solo’s Story Arc - An Autopsy

This will be the second post before I publish the full TROS review, mainly because it’s yet another thing I want to get out of the way first. After which, I’ll be posting an announcement about the future of this blog, but no worries – I’ll be sticking around.

After Rey and her parentage, I’ll be talking about Ben here specifically – mainly because I have a pretty big inkling that his plotline for TROS was mutilated, and that he initially actually had an arc.

Except, somewhere in the executive meddling, for reasons I myself am not sure of (okay, I got some theories but it’s pointless to share them here), it got cut.

The Rise of Kylo Ren might be an inkling that there was something more in the works, also that when it comes to its take on Snoke, it directly contradicts things TROS sets up. The simplest explanation is that the Lucasfilm Story Group had a hand in TRoKR, and not for TROS. But even then… the comic reveals things that make me BAFFLED they didn’t put that in the films. I don’t want to be that person who thinks 30 minutes of TLJ should have been dedicated to Snoke’s origins, but stuff like how Ben didn’t even destroy Luke’s Jedi Camp? THAT’S the kind of thing you need to include in your film.

Also, I 110% believe the rumors that JJ Abrams just ignored the Story Group’s existence entirely. Wanna know why? Just the fact that Exogol is established as the Sith world… when we know thanks to The Clone Wars that it’s Moraband – which would have been super easy to use. But fuck continuity I guess.

I will say though, I am NOT surprised it’s leaking out that the movie was severely tempered with and was constantly changing during production, simply because from my first (and only) viewing… I could tell something was wrong. Namely, I could tell that Ben’s arc had been mutilated – and the more I think about it, the more glaring it gets. It’s not even that I’m mad that Adam Driver (aka Golden Globe/Academy Award nominee Adam Driver) gets relegated to playing Darth Exposition for 75% of the film (and godawful exposition at that), it’s literally that so much of what remains of his arc makes no sense, and it affects Palpatine and Rey by extension.

I explained why Rey’s character arc was butchered here, and I’ve also talked about how Palpatine’s implication in her arc didn’t work either, so I won’t talk about it too much here, nor do you need to have read it prior in order to understand this post. I will also point out that a lot of what will be my speculation – so for all I know, I could be wrong, but I’m trying to fill in the holes here.

So, for starters… somehow, Ben knows that Palpatine is still alive. Somehow, he knows how to get to him. AND SOMEHOW, THE WRITERS DECIDED NOT EXPLAINING SHIT WAS THE WAY TO GO. This is not even on the level of not explaining who the fuck Snoke is in the two previous films – while I do think there could have been a throwaway line in TLJ, it didn’t “hinder” the story.

HOWEVER, not explaining how Palpatine is still around and kicking (well, he’s on life support so kicking might be a little too flattering), why he decided to reveal himself right there, right then, and how the hell Ben knows he’s around, how he figured out how to get to Exogol using the holocrons… THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM. This is the triggering element of the rising action in your story. But before you do that, YOU. NEED. EXPOSITION. TO. SET. UP. THE. CONTEXT. OF. YOUR. STORY.

What TROS did would be like skipping Finn’s intro when he’s with his Stormtrooper squad on Jakku, removing the interrogation with Poe and Kylo entirely, and just start TFA with him escaping with Poe without any explanation given. Oh, and also cut out Rey’s introduction as well, and we first meet her when she kicks Finn’s ass in Niima Outpost. You’d just have a bunch of characters coming out of nowhere, and you’d have no frigging clue what they’re doing, and what they want. And that’s what TROS does with Ben and Palpatine.

Take the handling of Snoke, for instance. I’d be a lot more mad about the Snoke retconning if it wasn’t for… what I’m going to call the “Snoke Stew” (and I’d crack a joke about how it was probably made with the DNA of a guy called Stu, which is not funny but still funnier than most of the jokes in TROS). That’s pretty much the one thing that stops me from being mad, because of how STUPID it is.

But the explanation for Snoke’s origins just… retcons so much that has been established before, INCLUDING INFO FROM A COMIC THAT CAME OUT AFTER TROS. We knew Snoke had a past, even if we weren’t privy to it yet. We did kind of know that he was a rich guy, like all the shitty rich people we saw in Canto Bight, who happened to be a Dark Sider and was seemingly smart enough to kill his way to the top. Considering how exploitative the First Order is when it comes to resources and that a rich patron would be welcomed with open arms, it makes sense.

With the explanation given by TROS, it just provides a fuck ton of plotholes to the fact he took over the First Order while killing off old Imperial higher-ups to establish himself as Supreme Leader. Do you really think a guy in a golden bathrobe would just be able to take over out of fucking nowhere because he killed all the higher-ups? No. And even if some of the higher-ups knew that Snoke was a Palps plant (like Pryde seems to), I doubt Ben would have stayed Supreme Leader for as long as a year.

But that’s not even the biggest problem! Seriously, I don’t know if Palps is senile in this film, because we got an ENTIRE trilogy explaining how the guy is one of the worst evil masterminds to have ever lived, in the Galaxy Far Far Away and even in today’s culture. Here, you don’t even understand what the fuck he even wants! I’m “guessing” he fucked with Ben to get his revenge on Anakin, because he uses Ben as his lackey while being seemingly totally oblivious that Ben is working against him (what happened to “every voice in your head”???). He wants Ben to kill Rey… while knowing Rey is his granddaughter, and while telling her when she shows up that he wants to use her as a new host or some shit. Seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY.

This said… I honestly wonder if Ben was initially meant to be the new host, and not Rey. Because not only that was an actual theory I had pre-TROS, but it would make a shit ton more sense than having Rey be the host – not to mention it’d be the ultimate revenge against Anakin (and if you want to get REAL yucky, he may have planned to have Rey be his new consort, but I’ll spare you more speculation about that aspect). But nah, I guess.

The most damning thing in all this is that there’s no difference in Ben’s overall behavior and actions AFTER Snoke has been killed, when it’s clear Snoke was the biggest influence on him. Saying that Palpatine just kept messing with him makes no sense because with Snoke dead, any voice Ben would still hear would make him go “NOPE” and do exactly the opposite of what said voice tells him to do.

Like, for real, with Snoke dead, unless he’s REALLY stupid (I mean… Ben is reckless, but not stupid), why would Ben do anything a now Random Voice would tell him to do?

The thing is, there have been hints in previous material that Ben isn’t exactly 110% on board with what the First Order does. He’s clearly against blowing up planets, he snarks about how Stormtroopers should be clones instead – which could just be a throwaway snarky line, but considering Ben’s past… I can see him not being too fuzzy about the Stormtrooper program. Like, I’m not saying he’d start a Galactic Free Donut Day, but there would be a change. It wouldn’t be Business as Usual – especially that Ben wasn’t that young (23) when he joined Snoke, and it’s a little hard to go from “My uncle tried to kill me in my sleep and I’m going towards the one figure I think can protect me” to “Blowing up planets and enslaving people is the way to go”. It would have worked if Ben had been brainwashed from his teens, but not so much as an adult – hence you need a little more nuance with Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.

Oh yeah, and the Knights of Ren? They’re just there to look cool. “But they kidnapped Chewie!” Yeah, what was the fucking point of them kidnapping Chewie apart from giving a reason for the Beautiful Friendship Gang to get on the Star Destroyer and give us fake suspense because we all know how it’s gonna end, just end my suffering already. Also, NO INTERRACTION WITH BEN? DID YA FORGET CHEWIE IS LIKE, HIS UNCLE? DID YALL FORGET BEN WAS PART OF YOUR FAMILY OR…

Seriously, that sequence on Pasaana where they’re just standing there on top of a fucking mountain? I called that part the Backdesert Boys. That tells ya how much I hated it.

Oh yeah, and they’re fighting fodder for Benny Boy in the end, because of course they were Palps’ lackeys all along, can’t think of anything else that’s more imaginative.

So what could they possibly add to Ben’s arc, that would explain so much, like how Ben finds Palpatine, or how he’s always one step ahead from the Beautiful Friendship Gang in their Wild Goose Chase no one fucking cares about?

This is where I got into speculation/conspiracy theory territory. Brace yourselves. 

*

So, the film has Lando reveal that he and Luke “knew” about Palps being around thanks to snooping around… except that makes no bloody sense. Lando was never involved in a Force plot of any kind, and he was never that close to Luke anyway. I mean, Lando’s a nice guy and all, but he’s not really besties with Luke – he’s Han’s friend.

So that research should have taken place either before Ben joined Luke at Jedi Camp, either after. Then again, before would make no sense, because why would Luke leave that critical of a search on the ice for 10 to 15 years? The only place where I can place it in time, where it would make logical sense… would be when Ben was around, and it’d make WAY more sense to have him be Luke’s sidekick in that search.

It would have totally explained why Luke freaked the fuck out reading Ben’s mind, because only Palpatine can give her that severe of a PTSD-like reaction. It would have totally explained why Ben would run to Snoke, grooming and desperation set aside, under the promise that they’d associate to defeat Palps, because if you ignore the plot hole extravaganza of TROS, you’d bet Snoke wouldn’t want Palps anywhere near his throne – mainly because Snoke is a wannabe Palpatine who targeted Ben to get his own Vader. It would have totally explained why Ben thought becoming Supreme Leader is a good idea – even if it’s morally wrong, it makes logical sense. It would have totally explained why Kylo was collecting Sith artefacts in the year gap while keeping in mind he made his distaste for the Sith clear in TLJ. It would have totally provided the audience (and Rey) a good reason to forgive Ben, because even if he had godawful methods, he wanted to do the right thing and save the galaxy from the person who came this close to destroying them, as well as his family. That would have provided for him the means to realize that he cannot defeat Palpatine using Palpatine’s means – as Rose said, he’ll win by saving what he loves, and not destroying what he hates. That would have made Rey the glitch in the matrix, who must join forces with Ben because without her, he would have been doomed despite his best efforts.

And before you tell me that would have been unnecessary… let me put it to you this way. Ben keeps saying it's too late, and if it was just that, it could be interpreted as him thinking he went too far to come back. But he also adds that he has "something to do", and I'm here waving my arms like "WHAT? WHY? FUCK, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KILL YOUR FELLOW STUDENTS!!! THEY'RE NOT EVEN BOTHERED TO SAY THAT IN THE ACTUAL FILM!!!"

Hence why my theory is the simplest way to just tie it all neatly together, without retconning anything. There.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUPER SIMPLE TO DO. Except that, as I mentioned earlier, they mutilated Ben’s arc, and left him to play the part of Darth Exposition, until the very end, when they have Ben save what he loves… but even then, I can’t even appreciate that either, because it happens in a way that makes EVERYONE look horrible, while Ben is, from a storytelling perspective, a saint… a saint everyone ultimately forgot about.

[that-one-fandom-vore-blog]

chained and bound (to this hopeless town)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3

Ao3 Link

Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. Which must mean Anna Shephard must be the best fucking person to have ever lived, or, at least, the best person left alive. Lucky her. To be fair, she hasn’t got much competition. As far as she knows, she, Steph, and Nick are the only people still alive.  After a year of fighting off the undead, struggling to come to terms with her new reality, Anna is suddenly thrown back into the midst of her past without so much as a warning. Old friends, old faces, and old fears all resurface, along with zombies that seem to be getting smarter with every new day. So much for a warm welcome...

Co-written with the wonderful @thebadhalfofafandom! Warnings up here for: Flashbacks, panic elements, gore, swearing, zombies, and vore.

“Out of all the places for the damn engine to freeze up, it’s here?!” Anna shouted as she swung herself out of the car, slamming the blue painted door shut behind her for good measure. She could practically feel Nick and Steph looking at her as she stalked to the front of the car, looking helplessly down at the blue hood as if she could convince it to start up with a glare. It had been running just fine— fine enough, for the clunker it was— three bloody seconds ago, but now, fucking now, the engine had finally quit. 

Anna scuffed a shoe on the ground before delivering a swift, sharp kick to the blasted thing’s tire, hard enough to send a jolt up through her foot. “Fuck,” she hissed under her breath, then again, louder: “FUCK!” 

Drawing back her foot, she kicked the vehicle again. Harder, this time, squarely on the side of the door with a dull thump with enough force to chip the paint. 

“You don’t have to blame the car,” Steph huffed, coming to stand beside Anna with her hands stuffed firmly in her pockets. “Blame the snow— or the idiot,” she paused, giving Nick a pointed glare, “who was driving.” 

The glare she earned in return was almost as heated. “Oh, fuck off, Steph,” Nick shot back, “s’not my shitbox that got us stranded, anyway!” His volume rose dangerously at the end of his sentence, the words coming out in a near bark. 

Neither of the others dignified him with a response as his boots crunched in the snow, grumbling under his breath. It wasn’t worth trying to decode anything he said— Anna had dated him before, and if she was being honest, she’d rather date a zombie. He practically was one, anyway. 

...he’s gotten better.

A year of travel had done the tensions in the group good, and besides, he didn’t eat brains.

Though… as Anna watched him pace in a circle around the hood, she was beginning to doubt he even had one in his thick skull. She’d definitely rather date a zombie, and where better to find one than Little Haven? That, as far as she knew, was where it had all started… 

Out of all the places to break down, why did the little blue shitbox have to pick here? 

Anna’s gaze drifted from the sight of Nick and Steph glowering at the engine, which was now starting to let off a good amount of smoke, to the surrounding countryside. There wasn’t much there to see, not really, but Anna didn’t need the visual. She could see it so perfectly in her mind’s eye, the snow stained with blood, the smoke rising in the horizon. She could feel it, too, feel raw terror curling in her chest like a poisonous snake and the feeling of another hand locked tight with hers, but then it was being pulled away and she was screaming, screaming with a voice that splintered and broke—

“JOHN!” 

Her grip on the candy cane she called a weapon tightened. Her heart started to beat harder in her throat, like when she’d watched— she’d just watched— as her best friend was—

Do. Not. Think. About. That. 

Snapping back into the present, trying to force those thoughts out of her head— thoughts of gentle eyes and bloodied screams— Anna crossed her arms and watched with a clenched jaw as the other two bent over the hood. Steph had popped it open, and although Nick looked like he wanted to help, Anna knew Steph wouldn’t be letting him anywhere near the engine. 

Sucking in a breath through her teeth, she began to saunter over. She held the plastic candy cane in a too-tight grip, though, managed to look as casual as she could. Her breath formed a cloud in front of her face as she carefully stepped closer, squinting over Nick’s shoulder to see what the problem was. 

...whatever the problem was. 

Was a car’s engine supposed to look so black? 

The whole thing smelled like gasoline, though, and she was quick to cover her nose against the stench. 

“Fuck,” she intoned again, slamming one hand down on the hood for good measure, loud enough to make Nick jump back in fright. “Fucking— god— how come it had to be here?” She moaned, unable to keep her voice from sounding far too sharp. “This has got to be the WORST place on earth—”

“Yeah, and screaming about it when there could be zombies around is a great idea!” Nick cut in, shuddering violently in the cold. “S’fucking freezing, Anna, and there’re more important things to worry about than the fact that the ruddy car broke down, alright?” 

"What? Am I not allowed to be upset that the moment we get back into this shitty little town in the middle of winter, we get stranded. And now you're just standing there!” Her gaze flicked down to the weapon hanging loyally at his belt, and she gestured blindly at it.  “Being all 'at least I got a cool gun now' as if that'll help us! News flash, asshole, it won’t! Not unless it’s loaded with screws!” 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Steph flinch. 

“It’s like you’ve never even seen a car before—” she tried to joke, though, Nick’s voice was louder. 

"At least I'm not screeching about it!" He hissed at Anna, who looked like she was going to beat him with her candy cane as he stalked closer. She felt like beating him with her candy cane, come to think. It’d be satisfying to just bash his head in and—

She barely realized she was raising the lawn ornament until Steph stepped between them and raised a hand in Anna’s direction. Her eyes were narrowed in a glare, and although her tone was light, there was anger flickering just beneath its surface. 

"Hey ladies, why don’t we just focus on finding a place to stay rather than arguing who's being the least productive?” She asked, seemingly immune to the glare Anna shot her way. Instead, she locked eyes with the taller girl. Her hand came back to rest at her side, though, not before scrubbing over her face. “Look,” she started, taking a step back to stand before them, “this is ass, but you don’t have to be assholes about it, okay? So shut the fuck up, let’s ditch the car,”

“Shitbox,” Nick corrected. 

Steph pinched the bridge of her nose and inhaled sharply. She looked almost ready to snap, though, as the engine belched out another thick plume of smoke, she sighed. “Shitbox…” she corrected, glumly, turning her eyes to the still-steaming engine as she continued, “and find somewhere where we won’t get eaten alive, okay?”

Anna didn’t answer. 

Nick shuffled his feet. 

Again, Steph sighed, heavier and harsher. “Okay?” She tried again, elbowing Nick hard in the ribs for emphasis. 

“Fine, fine, okay— just keep your hands off me!” He sputtered, annoyance written across his face. The snow crunched under his weight as he stepped to the side, crossing his arms tightly against his chest. “So what’s the plan, then?” 

All eyes turned to Steph. 

The silence that fell was somehow worse than the argument. It was awkward, broken only by a few little sputters from the shitbox’s engine trying dogeddly to start. 

“Don’t fuckin’ look at me like that!” She protested, though, after a moment of silence and a kick delivered to the ground, she exhaled heavily. “What about the school?”

Anna stiffened, but before she could speak, Nick shook his head.

“No. Too risky. After Savage let those fuckers in, they probably got stuck inside,” he explained. “And voila, zombie motel.”

Steph set her jaw. “What about an actual motel?”

A snort escaped Anna. “A literal zombie motel. Check-in at the front desk, gotta be out by ten, don’t mind the bellhop, he bites.”

It sounded funnier in her head. It came out too sharp, too sarcastic, and was met with an awkward sort of silence. 

She coughed and looked up at Nick. “This whole town’s gonna be completely infected.”

“It’s been a year,” he returned, evenly.

“Great.” Anna’s cold glare only intensified as she started speaking again. “A year for all those things to get hungry and fester. You’d need a bunker if you didn’t want to—“

In a flurry of motion, Nick gave a shit-eating grin and snapped his fingers. “A bunker!” 

Anna couldn’t help but snicker. “What, you know where one is? Got one in your backyard?”

Nick’s grin only grew. His chest puffed out with pride and as Anna watched, he put his arms to the sides. “The military base! It probably has backup generators, or at least of a lot of stuff that we can burn. Won’t smell great or anything, but the army’s fucked off from there, so the place is ours.” 

"Holy shit, you're right!" Steph exclaimed. Nick’s enthusiasm was contagious, apparently. The short blonde gave a laugh of disbelief. “We could probably get there before dark, if we really hoof it.” 

Anna looked up to the sun where it sat in the sky and squinted for a moment through the clouds before giving a small, apprehensive nod. “Okay,” she huffed out, before giving a soft snicker. “Can’t believe we forgot we had an airbase. It’s practically on our doorstep.” 

Steph’s nose wrinkled. “It practically was on my doorstep,” she grumbled back, though, any irritation was masked with a crooked smile. “Military assholes had no concept of when was too early to be practicing their shooting.” 

As the trio began to march forward through the snow, Anna gave a snicker. “Yeah, reminds me of our asshole, here.” 

“Hey!”

Steph exhaled a laugh and shook her head, once again, moving to jab Nick in the ribs. “Quiet, remember? Don’t wanna attract any zombies.” 

“Yeah,” Anna agreed with a cheeky grin,  “‘specially not because you’re firing that thing at the ass crack of dawn.” 

The three fell into an easy step together. If Anna squinted, she could almost pretend things were back to normal. It was just like they were hanging out during a snow day, really, with the small flakes that were beginning to fall and their breath fogging up the air. The snow had masked the town Anna remembered as Little Haven, masked the carnage and blood that had been there as they’d sped off in Steph’s bright blue shitbox.

They didn’t talk much, though, they didn’t need to. The place was a ghost town. Nothing seemed to move, not a zombie, nor another group of survivors. Little Haven had never been much— it was Little Haven, for fuck’s sake— but it seemed so much more barren than she’d remembered. 

Because you’re remembering it before everything went to shit. 

Those memories were getting blurrier. With everything she saw, every broken window, every unhinged door, they began to replace the thoughts of riding her battered bike down the streets. When things were better. Back when her and her father would make snow angels on the lawn, and John would be over, smiling that crooked smile and—

Don’t.

She quickened her step. That was the last thing she needed to be thinking about. He was the last thing she needed to be thinking about. She didn’t need to think about his dreams, or how she felt when his arms were wrapped around her and the horde was converging, grabbing at him with their spindly fingers and—

Fucking don’t. 

Setting her jaw, Anna lowered her head and tried to focus on where they were going. 

“This place gives me the fucking creeps,” Steph commented, breaking the silence that had been steadily growing around them. 

Nick scuffed a boot against the snow. “Yeah, ditto,” he agreed. 

There was an awkward silence where Anna should’ve spoken, but instead, she slung her candy cane over her shoulder. The hard plastic resting on her shoulder was a small comfort. It kept her grounded, reminding her of the fact that Little Haven as she knew it was gone. She bumped it up against her shoulder between steps, harder with every second 

The sun had just begun to set as the group finally found the chain-link fence that surrounded the base. That sinking feeling that had accompanied Anna right from the start— that feeling she could only describe as Little Haven dread— had only gotten worse, and it intensified when she looked upward at the cold steel. 

“Shit…” She mumbled. 

She knew it wouldn’t be easy— it was a fucking military base, for Christ’s sake, it wasn’t going to be a cakewalk. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Steph took her pack off her shoulder and began to sift through its contents. 

“I can’t fucking see anything,” Nick grumbled. “How am I supposed to—“

Steph hit him in the back of the head with a flashlight, ignoring the sharp yelp of protest she earned in response. “Here.” She snapped, passing another to Anna without making eye contact. Her gaze was fixed upward, and as Anna looked up as well, she saw what Steph was looking at.

Sharp spikes of barbed wire lined the top of the fence.

“So we’re not climbing,” As she spoke, Anna’s eyes began to travel along the length of the chain link, looking in vain for any sort of opening. Zombies wouldn’t be able to get in, she hoped, but neither would they…

The snow was piled high beside the posts, and just as Anna was trying to figure out if it was worth trying to climb—

“You just gonna stand there looking pretty?” 

Anna flinched. Her gaze shot to where Nick had been standing moments ago, though, as she flicked on the light, her brow furrowed. 

Where—

“Over here,” his voice came again, and as Anna tried to locate it, she turned her head back to the impossible fence—

To meet Nick’s gaze and cheeky grin from the other side. 

“Gate’s open,” he remarked, gesturing over to his right with his flashlight beam, swinging it at enough of an arc to momentarily blind Anna. 

Swinging one hand up in front of her face, squinting through a scowl, Anna managed to focus on the fence once more—

Oh for fuck’s sake. 

—and the obvious gap in it where the gate began. 

“You snuck in here, before?” Steph questioned, beginning to trudge forward with Anna behind her. Her pack jingled with every step, punctuated by the crunching of her boots and the steady swaying of her own, heavyset flashlight. It cut through the darkness with a wide beam that made the snow glitter. 

“No,” Nick returned, “I thought about it, though,”

“Should’ve,” Anna fired back, her shoulders tensing further with each step she took past the gate, “they would’ve turned you into swiss cheese.” 

The noise of mock protest she earned from Nick hit her with a wave of familiarity so sudden that it hurt. Swallowing hard against a sudden knot in her throat, Anna pushed ahead, reaching the door in a matter of minutes. 

The door, like the fence, was unhinged and hanging loosely open. Anna shared uneasy glances with the other two, but not a word was spoken as she pointed her flashlight beam into the dark interior. 

Rank air wafted out to greet her, sending a cold chill down her spine despite the warmth of the building. They filtered in single-file, Anna with her cane raised in one hand, Steph with her flashlight ready to bludgeon anything in the way, and Nick with his hands shakily clamped around his gun. 

Their beams, minus Nick’s, which only illuminated his pocket, shone outward in a wide fan, casting long, humanoid shadows that seemed ready to come off the walls and grab them. 

Anna shifted her grip on her cane. "We should split up,” she hissed out in a whisper, “cover more ground. Maybe if we're lucky we can find a new engine or car, and hopefully, get out of here as soon as possible." The last part of her sentence was lost in a whisper, more to herself than either of the others. 

Get out. 

Like John never did, because he’s dead— he died here, did you think about that, Anna—

“Sure,” Nick’s voice cut in, breaking her out of her thoughts, “I’ll take…” He looked to Anna, who shrugged. 

“Doesn’t matter to me,” she shifted her weight before turning her light to the nearest hallway, “you can take that one, I’ll…” She hesitated, before turning right. “I’ll take this one. Steph, you can take the one on the left. Meet back up in… an hour?”

She shone her flashlight back toward the group in time to see them both share nods. She found herself bobbing her head in agreement as well. For a moment, she wanted to say something else. The air was charged, not tense, mind, but there was an energy that couldn’t be denied. She could feel it— feel it in the tight feeling in her chest and the fact that she was digging the plastic hook of her cane deep into her shoulder. 

“An hour,” she said, uneasily, and before she could try saying anything else, she turned sharply to the right and disappeared down the hallway. 

Her footsteps seemed far too loud. Anna trudged through the halls cautiously, trying to see with her barely working flashlight in one hand and candy cane at the ready in the other.

It didn't take her long to stumble upon a barely-open door. She quietly opened it with her shoulder, clutching both items tightly. The light weakly shone on the room’s contents, only illuminating a few feet before her. She squinted, daring to stick her arm into the room a little farther in and shining the light from side to side. It was reflected on a few objects she couldn’t make out, and for a moment, it looked like eyes—

Remember when you thought it was safe and it wasn’t? Remember who paid for it? 

—it wasn’t eyes. 

She knew it wasn’t eyes. 

Inhaling through her teeth, Anna squared her shoulders, and stepped inside. 

It wasn’t what she was expecting. As she swept the light’s flickering, shaky beam around in a wide circle, she was made aware of shelves surrounding her in neat rows, and their contents. Vials upon vials of contents. Their labels were scratched and worn, and as Anna squinted at a vial containing a bright, ugly yellow liquid, she felt a chill wind down her spine. 

It was weird, how everything was just… left like this. 

Some places looked completely fine, like the untouched vials. It was nothing new, truly, everywhere was a ghost town now that everyone was dead, but it still made unease creep across Anna’s skin like a cold wind. 

Shuddering, she began to walk down the rows of shelves, paying less attention by the second to the vials decorating them. What use were a bunch of random chemicals, anyway? What use were—

The hook of her cane bumped against a shelf with a sharp clang, causing Anna to let out a sharp yelp. 

“Shit!” She hissed, swinging her light around in time to see a vial wobbling. The liquid inside it was red, and although it quickly settled back down, she didn’t move the light away. Beside it lay a stack of papers. They were tucked messily in place beside it, dog-eared and yellowed, but still intact. 

Carefully, Anna reached forward and took the packet in her hands, carefully setting the cane up against the nearest shelf to better leaf through the hand-scrawled notes. Her breath stuck in her throat when she finally managed to decipher what it said. 

UNIDENTIFIED PATHOGEN CURE PROTOTYPE TESTING: TRIALS 1-10

“I knew they were working on a cure,” she whispered to herself, both excitement and anger filtering through her voice. 

Dad could’ve made it. 

John, too. 

Nobody would’ve had to die… not Chris… not Lisa…

Even thinking their names made her heart sink. 

Anna grabbed the packets, already planning out how to best tell Steph and Nick what she’d found— how maybe, maybe things could finally go back to how they’d been— when something cut through the noise of her thoughts.

A clumsy, sluggish shuffling cut through the silence, followed by a low, feral growl. 

The papers tumbled from her grasp before she could stop them, though, she barely noticed. Already, she was shoving her flashlight in her pocket, grabbing her weapon, and beginning to raise it. Her steely gaze was fixed on the door she’d come in through, listening in tense silence as the shuffling drew closer… and closer… 

When it finally entered her line of sight, it was alone. Just one. Nothing she couldn’t deal with. Already, she was readying herself to swing, but—

Recognition flashed across her face. 

Her stomach dropped. 

No. 

It was wearing a tattered sweater, smeared with blood and torn in spots, but—

No, please, no...

If the brown hair and soft face didn’t give it away, that Christmas sweater with the tree and lights did. 

Her best friend. 

One of her only friends. 

John. John Pine. Still wearing that sweater he’d been so proud of, the one that devoured batteries by the dozen. His head was cocked harshly to the right, though, as Anna tried to back away, it began to straighten out. 

 The second those eyes— deep brown, just like she remembered— met her own, the creature gave a little snort of excitement and began to stumble in her direction with its— his—deadened gaze fixed on hers. 

“No…” Anna’s voice was soft and shaky. It felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room— like it had been sucked out entirely.  Her hands felt clammy. Her heart was beginning to beat like a kickdrum, thumping through her veins at a rapid tempo. “No, please, John… don’t do this,” she begged, trying her best not to let her voice break. 

John didn’t register anything she was saying. If anything, he was growling louder by the second, an awful, grating noise that rose above the panicked rushing of blood in her ears. It was barely human— hardly a noise she could ever picture him making— but it was escaping his throat regardless as he shuffled closer and closer to his potential meal. His gait was shambling, closer to a limp than the goofy stride Anna remembered—

He was limping before it happened, don’t you remember? He fucked up his leg and then—

Anna gripped her candy cane tighter. She had to kill him. If she didn’t, then he’d rip her to pieces. Zombies were vicious— all of them were vicious beyond repair, they were hardly human anymore— 

But John isn’t—

The creature before her gave another throaty growl. His whole body seemed to wobble unsteadily, as if he couldn’t decide which direction to walk, or if he could even walk at all. Everything about him was wrong, clashing so horribly with how she remembered him. She was frozen to the spot, looking into those eyes that were so familiar it hurt, those same eyes she’d looked into before the horde had converged on him and she’d screamed, screamed so loud her throat had hurt—

“JOHN!”

Struggling to inhale, Anna began to back away. She kept her weapon raised, the wicked, plastic hook up over her shoulder, trying to ignore the way her hands trembled and the fact that the memory was rising in her mind faster than she could hope to block it out. 

“LET GO! L-LEMME GO—” 

Another set of arms wrapped around her. She tried to beat them back, her body shaking. Her hands were clenched in tight fists. Her legs kicked out wildly as she tried to get her footing, broken, terrified sobs catching in her throat. 

Nick’s voice was loud, but not louder than the noises, the sounds of a horde beginning to feast— “No, Anna, no! Leave him!”

Her eyes welled with tears. She had to kill him. He wouldn’t want to live as a zombie. Living as a zombie wasn’t living at all, surely he’d known that, he’d had to have known that.  Her only option was to swing but…

“Leave him.” Nick had said again, ignoring the way her hands beat against his side. 

She couldn’t. Her grip loosened as she backed away at a faster pace than before. Fuck, she was useless. 

She could feel her throat closing up as she tried to find an exit, not taking her eyes off the creature— it’s not John, it’s not, stop pretending— shambling toward her. His head was cocked to the right, mouth slightly open, glossy eyes boring into her own. She felt her stomach lurch at the sight of dried blood smeared around his mouth, her insides turning to water. Bluish, broken veins decorated his cheeks, and when he gave another lurch, right hand swinging downward, her gaze tracked automatically to the vicious bite embedded in the back of his hand.

The same sort of bite that he’d use those crooked teeth to give her. 

“John?” She choked out in a whimper, frantically searching his eyes for any recognition. He was closer. There were only a few feet between them, and that distance was closing fast. 

 “Please, you don’t have to do this, please...” Tears threatened to spill from her eyes as she gathered what little courage she had left and screamed: “JUST GET OUT OF HERE—“

Anna’s back slammed against one of the shelves before she could process what was happening, barely having enough time to register, the various glass vials on the shelf began to crash at her feet. Chemicals splattered across her coat and shoes, and as she tried to stumble away, momentarily forgetting the zombie— 

Something crashed against the back of her head. Things went dark immediately.

They were quick to flicker back in a mess of disjointed sounds and messy colours that blurred and spun drunkenly around her. Spots were dancing across her vision, and as she blinked blearily and tried to focus on the overwhelming, dizzying sensations, she was made vaguely aware of something pooling around her. 

All over her, actually—

Shit, my head—

Everything was too slow. Raising one hand, frantically feeling her hair, she gave a sharp gasp as the feeling of something liquid—

Blood or chemicals—

Shit, both are bad—

And if the shelf fell—

With a wince, Anna struggled to get to her feet, feeling as though she was forgetting something, addled mind fighting to put it all together and—

Wait, what about—

“SHIT!” Anna’s eyes snapped open remembering the zombie in front of her, but she wished she never opened her eyes. Everything was… wrong… horribly wrong. Her frantic eyes shot to the shards that were around her feet— should’ve been around her feet— and the puddle that looked more like a small lake than anything. 

Her heart leapt into her throat. 

The shards littered around her, their wickedly sharp points glinting in the low light, were longer than her arms. They were longer than she was tall, which was impossible, and how—

How much had been in those vials? 

How hard had she hit her head? 

This CANNOT be happening. 

I can’t be—

A sudden sound from above caused her blood to run cold. 

Shit. 

Her hands felt clammy.

Shit, shit, shit. 

Frozen in place, whole body trembling, Anna shakily began to look up… up, up, up… 

Her heart plummeted to her shoes. Her grip on her plastic cane suddenly felt weak—

At least I got something my size...

She managed to think through her panic. Her face paled exponentially, all the strength she had draining from her in one fell swoop. She tried to open her mouth, to scream, to cry out, to beg for her life— anything— but no sound escaped her lips, save for a strangled squeak. 

This can’t be happening. 

He was huge. 

John had always been taller than her, that much was true, but the zombie before her was easily a giant. He didn’t seem to be looking directly at her, though, and as Anna watched, paralyzed by fright, she realized he didn’t seem to see her. His glassy eyes were out of focus, trained on the shards around her, and although he was growling— a horrid, awful sound that shook her to her core— it was quieter than before. Confused. 

Hope flickered to life in her chest. 

Maybe he can’t see me. 

Was it possible? Maybe his eyes had decayed enough that he wouldn’t bother with her, or maybe she was too small for him to care. She just had to get out of his way and then—

Another growl shook through her. Louder this time. 

No—

Her small victory was quickly cancelled out as suddenly, John’s eyes locked onto her form. His lips began to curl back in a snarl, showing off a dizzying array of teeth that used to smile the sweetest, most crooked smile—

A snarl vibrated through her chest. Panicked, Anna tried to stumble away, her fight or flight instinct finally kicking into high gear. Her little body chose flight. 

She stumbled forward, boots slipping in the puddle surrounding her. She skidded, terrified at how quickly the tables had turned— she’d been bracing herself to kill him and see his blood speckle the floor but now—

Anna tried to tighten her sweat-slicked grip on her weapon. Her vision was blurred, though the panic coursing through her veins was making things sharper. Everything was picking up to speed with her racing heart, and as she helplessly skidded, she could feel him getting closer. 

No, no— NO—

She couldn’t outrun him. She was too small, now, and her head was pounding with every second that passed. 

Panicked beyond belief, voice shaking, Anna forced herself to meet his gaze, looking in vain for anything familiar in those hollow eyes. “John—”

That’s not John, he’s gone, he’s not there—

 “—p-please!” She stammered, “I-It’s me, it’s— it’s Anna! You— W-We— We’ve been friends for— for years, years, John, PLEASE—”

Her words broke into a scream as John lurched forward. Stumbling backward, brandishing her weapon as though it would help, Anna let out another broken plea. 

“NO! P-Please, John— you— you have to remember me, I— You— You were going to go to art school, a-and I was gonna go to Australia—”

It seemed like a distant dream. Australia. Art school. Things that had mattered before the world as they knew it had ended without any warning. 

Her throat began to close up. She sucked in a sharp, frantic breath through her teeth, trying to say something— anything— that wouldn’t end in her demise—

He reached forward. That hand— that monstrous, discoloured hand riddled with bluish veins— was inches from her, and the distance was closing. 

“Y-You jumped in front of a horde just to save my life!” 

Do you remember his hands around your waist? When you were calling to him? He wasn’t answering. 

The hand less than a centimeter from her face. Instinctively, she put her hands up to her face and gave a sharp, guttural cry: “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”

He would rip her to pieces in seconds. He’d use those same clumsy hands she knew so well to tear her from limb to limb, those teeth would pierce her, and her blood would speckle the floor and—

She screwed her eyes shut tight for good measure at the crunch of glass under one of his feet coupled with the sliding of fabric across the floor. 

He’s kneeling.

Her stomach twisted in a knot. She had seconds left to live, seconds left to muster a final plea, or an attack, or even an escape, but—

A soft, rumbling noise rolled through the air, close enough to make her whole body buzz with the sound, then… 

Then, nothing. 

Nothing at all. 

...what?

Anna slowly lowered her hands, after a few quiet, tense moments. Her breathing was quick and sharp. Why… why was she still alive? 

Why hadn’t he killed her? 

His hand was still there, his huge fingers poised and ready to snatch her up without a second thought, but—

They hadn’t. 

He hadn’t. 

Questions began to swarm in her mind, but above them was one desire: to get away. 

 Stumbling under her own weight, Anna made it about three steps back before a shard of glass met the bottom of her boot. It skidded along with her, prying a startled yelp from her throat and prompting her to swing her arms out for balance. 

John flinched. That hand that had been so close to brushing her skin shrank back. 

Anna’s mind was beginning to race as she looked into John’s eyes, her balance still somewhat wobbly. Her confusion was clearly written across her face. 

It didn’t make sense.

Is he—

She couldn’t let herself hope.

No. 

Impossible. He’s probably just wondering if a small human is just as satisfying as a normal-sized human.

She didn’t want to believe it. Those eyes seemed lucid— they looked so much like his that it hurt. A knot formed in her chest. Her legs wobbled like those of a baby deer as she forced herself to keep her eyes locked on his, ignoring the fact that his veins were too prominent, his teeth almost unnaturally sharp. 

He’s just sizing me up. 

A cold chill spread across her body. Her instincts were screaming at her to run— he was frozen, for fuck’s sake— it would be easy enough to make a mad dash for cover, but no matter how she tried, she couldn’t force herself to move. Her fingers weakly twitched at her sides. She felt like she was going to throw up. 

Trying to stand, sitting up as well as she could, Anna felt her whole body sway unsteadily. The room spun in a nauseating fashion, everything around her blending in a mess of nonsensical swirls that immediately brought her back to her knees. 

Shit, definitely concussed. 

That was the last thought Anna had before that hand reached out to her again. Accepting her fate, Anna looked down, closed her eyes and hoped it would be quick, but… that moment never came as she noticed. She gave a small gasp at the feeling of something touching her, something cold and almost clammy that started at the top of her head and trailed its slow way down her back. She held her breath as it stopped, then repeated with a tad more certainty. 

It took several seconds for her to realize he was petting her. 

Petting? 

Why would a zombie—

Why hasn’t he hurt me yet?

Daring to hope, Anna looked up, trying to get her vision to focus on the soft, concerned eyes of her friend. It seemed so familiar. She wanted so desperately to believe that he remembered her, but it was impossible… right?

Struggling to find her voice, Anna managed to quietly, incredulously ask: “Am I dead?” 

The petting stopped. Those eyes she knew so well were hidden by a slow blink for a moment, and then John did something that made her heart skip a beat. He shook his head. Like a human would.  Like he was alive. 

Anna’s eyes widened. “Wha— c-can you—

Slow down. 

Taking a deep breath, she tried again. “—do you remember me?” She asked him, hardly daring to hope. It was probably just a twitch, and her size had distracted him from thoughts of eating her, that had to have been it—

He nodded. That soft face she remembered sported a small, crooked little smile that she could recognize anywhere. Twitchy and uncertain, sure, but there. 

Before she knew it, she was sobbing.  All of the anger, sadness and regret she held for the past year overwhelmed her. Her throat ached from having shouted at the creature before her, her sobs coming out in hoarse sounding barks. Her tears ran down her cheeks faster than she could try to wipe them away. She was vaguely aware of a soft, concerned grumble and forced herself to look up again through her tears. 

“N-No, I— It’s not your fault, I— oh my god, John—”

Another bout of wracking sobs made her chest ache, causing John to pull his hand away. His brow was furrowed, his eyes tracking her every move. 

Anna tried to wipe her eyes and gave a broken laugh. “I-I’m just so glad to see you again after all this time!” 

Glad was an understatement. Her legs wobbled as she forced herself upright, stumbling toward his hand unsteadily. “A-And you— you remember me, you— it’s really you, I—” She swallowed hard against the knot in her throat. “—I can’t believe this, I— what’re the odds?” 

One in a million. One in a billion. Less, even. 

Laughing again, close enough to his hand that she could’ve reached out for it if she wanted, Anna finally caught her breath. The adrenaline— that giddy rush that had surged through her— was fading. “The only thing that could make this any better would be if I… was…” 

Wait—

“Normal sized!?” Her voice took on a sharp lilt of confusion as, yet again, another reality crashed down on her like a ton of bricks. “Holy shit, what the fuck happened to me?!”

She watched John’s shoulders give an unsteady shrug. 

“I— How—” 

It must’ve been that cure. The vials she’d knocked over her had done it, but how it had happened was beyond her—

She was snapped out of her thoughts by the sensation of John’s fingers curling around her waist. A breath caught in her throat. She gave a sharp, frightened gasp and clung tight to her weapon, the ground suddenly so, so small. His whole body swung uncertainty, and although his fingers weren’t too tightly clasped around her, Anna’s chest felt too tight. Her head was still throbbing away. She couldn’t find her voice. 

Shit, no— 

He wouldn’t. John wouldn’t—

But a zombie would. 

Fear began to spike through her, but she managed to give a small whimper of: “J-John?” Using her free hand to bat at his fingers, she tried to grab his attention, but all she earned in response was a little grumble. Her whole world pitched dangerously as he stood, causing her to squeak. This was terrifying. She was so high up— John had always been tall but this was taking things to a new level. One hand wrapped tight around her cane, the other in a tight fist, Anna felt her stomach lurch as he got to his feet. 

Christ, they were high up. 

Anna managed to get in a sharp breath before John’s grip on her abruptly switched, depositing her on the surface of his palm. A small rumble shook through her, and as she looked up, she nearly yelped. He was so close, close enough for her to feel his breath. 

Zombies breathe? 

She’d never been close enough to find out— nobody ever had, without getting bitten or ripped to shreds, but as the seconds ticked forward, she realized that John was just… watching. He didn’t blink, but his warm eyes were trained on her, his brow slightly furrowed. 

She exhaled. 

It’s fine.

You’re fine.

“Right, o-okay, I—” Shakily, standing as well as she could, she turned her head and forced herself to look down at the mess she’d created. The liquid looked almost like blood puddling around his feet, and as she squinted—

Wait—

The papers she’d dropped weren’t soiled by the puddle. They were a little crumpled, splashed in spots, but otherwise fine. 

A cure. They were working on a cure.

Turning back to face John, she gestured down to the papers on the floor. “Can you grab those papers?” She asked him, continuing to explain as he tilted his head and focused his bleary eyes down where she’d pointed. “Th-They were testing all this shit so it’s gotta be recorded. There’s gotta be a way to reverse this!” 

Both the zombie thing and her reduced height… 

Clinging to John’s thumb for balance as he bent over, Anna watched him fumble with the papers for a moment before—

A growl shot through the silence, followed by another.

John’s hackles raised near instantly and he stood back up with the papers in his grasp with a sudden, jerky motion that caused Anna to yelp. 

“Shit, the vials!” 

Of course they’d heard the crash— fuck, she was an idiot— and now they were going to come and rip them to shreds—

Would they attack John? He was one of them, and maybe that would keep him safe, but Anna certainly wasn’t, and now that she was bite sized—

Shit.

“We gotta go!” She urgently instructed, earning herself a nod from John. 

She didn’t do a thing to protest as he carefully drew her closer to himself and began to take one limping, shuddering step after the other. Was it fast enough? Her mind was racing from one panicked thought to the next, and the speed of them only intensified with every step he took toward the still-open door. 

Please, please, c’mon…

She inwardly begged, holding John’s thumb in a deathgrip, trying to see if anything was coming their way. 

They were mere inches from the door when the first zombie made itself known, lurching so suddenly into their field of vision that Anna let out a shrill scream and shrank backward. Its lips were pulled back, thick, black strands of drool oozing from its open jaws, and it wasn’t alone. More and more began to pour through the entrance in a swarm, some of them still sporting military garb. 

No, no, please—

John began to growl, the noise low and grating, making Anna’s ears ring and her headache thump harder. His grip on her shifted. 

Hundreds of scenarios began to race through Anna’s mind, each one more brutal than the last. There wouldn’t be any escape, and they didn’t seem interested in John at all. She’d been reunited with him for nothing, and soon, she’d either be one of them or nothing more than a red stain on the floor, and nobody would ever know—

Before her thoughts could even finish, John’s fingers once again closed around her waist and she was suddenly lifted, that nauseating feeling of being picked up too fast causing her head to spin. Trying to focus, legs swinging wildly, cane nearly slipping from her hands, she realized she was being dangled above John’s face. 

More specifically, his mouth. Her panicked gaze met his own. 

“J-John,” she stammered, “what’re you—”

She was cut off by the intimidating sight of John’s mouth opening beneath her, those teeth that seemed inhumanly sharp mere inches from her feet. She barely registered the thunder of his voice, though, once his maw was closed, she processed the one word he’d managed to wheeze out.

“Safe…” Even though voice was thick and gravelly, like he had just had woken up dehydrated, she understood. 

But… what did he mean, “safe”? 

Heart lurching into her throat, Anna struggled to cling onto his fingers. “Wait, wh-what are you talking abou—” Anna didn’t have any time to wonder what John meant before, without warning, his loose grip on her was gone entirely.

Down she plummeted.

A strangled scream escaped her throat. She looked down, and as she was being dropped—

His jaws opened to greet her, wider than before, displaying in horrific detail the inside of his maw and his pink, quivering tongue. 

“JOH—”

The rest of her protest was lost in a wheeze as her little body hit a slick, foreign surface. She hardly had time to register what was going on before her surroundings went dark with a snap that caused her to let out a shriek and ball up. Her body was shaking, and as she forced herself up onto her hands and knees, she nearly lost her balance. The ground below her—

That’s not the ground, that’s his tongue, you’re in his MOUTH—

—shifted and slid as she frantically tried to process what had happened. There wasn’t much light, but it filtered between his lips enough for her to see the faint, pinkish tongue beneath her and the terrifying, pointed shapes of his teeth fencing her in. Her heartbeat was rapid, her breaths short and laboured. 

Why—

Why did he—

I thought he wouldn’t—

Was it a trap? Anna felt like she was going to be sick as the muscle beneath her shifted, sending her sprawling onto her front once more. Saliva was pooling around her little frame, and as she struggled to get up— to claw and punch and kick everything she could reach— an annoyed sort of grumble rang through the space, loud enough to make Anna clap her hands over her ears. The tongue beneath her curled slightly, the edges of it pushing on her sides and keeping her confined to the middle of his mouth despite her squirming. 

The noises it made were making her repulsion grow by the second. The muscle squelched beneath her weight, and there was another annoyed little grumble before something smacked against her side. Something hard and plastic.  

My cane!

Rolling sharply to the side, Anna snatched it up and moved to stab him with the sharpened end, trying her best to stand in the cramped space. She ended up bent awkwardly in place, her shoes sinking into the fleshy surface beneath her, her back pressed up against the roof of his mouth above her. 

Bracing herself, Anna tried to force his jaws open from the inside to no avail. Saliva dribbled down her sides in thick strands, enough to make her shudder violently. She began to shove at the surface above her harder, digging her nails in—

Everything pitched hard to the right. Anna’s legs gave out from under her, and clutching her candy cane tight against her chest, she landed on his tongue with a squelch, giving a sharp gasp when everything turned to the left, then right again, almost as if he was shaking his head. 

Shit, my head.

The throbbing feeling was getting worse by the second. Struggling, landing a good hit with her heel to the flesh beneath her, Anna moved a hand to clutch at her wet hair. 

 This concussion isn’t going to get any better if he keeps doing that, not that it’ll matter if he doesn’t let me out!

When she pulled her hand away, thin strands of drool connected it to her head. Her hair was practically slicked down to her, and as her eyes adjusted to the dim, faint light filtering through his teeth, she realized the rest of her was hopelessly soaked as well— her jacket, her shirt, her tie— covered in saliva. 

What the fuck—

Is he—

Is he fucking TASTING ME?

Terror surged through her once more, though, it was quickly followed by a rage that bubbled over her and made her ball her hands into fists. “JOHN!” She shouted, bringing a fist down as hard as she could manage on the tongue beneath her, “LET ME OUT! I KNOW YOU’RE STILL IN THERE! PLEASE, PLEASE SNAP OUT OF IT!” 

For a moment, everything stopped. 

She lay there, panting, covered in spit and feeling absolutely disgusting as the surface beneath her curled over her side once more. 

“John, please…” She whimpered, moving to crawl further toward the front of his mouth. All he’d have to do was open up his mouth, and she’d be home free— 

Before she could say anything else, Anna was suddenly pressed against the roof of the mouth, squishing all the air out of her in a sharp wheeze. 

No, NO, NO NO NO—

Everything tilted back. Anna dug her fingers into the surface of John’s tongue in vain, panic rushing through her veins. She kicked and squirmed wildly, though, with a soft squelch, she felt the muscles of his throat begin to latch onto her legs. 

Her eyes widened. 

A deafening gulp muffled her scream. She was forced back faster than she could grab anything. Her desperate, reaching hands skimmed one of his huge teeth before disappearing into his gullet entirely. The light disappeared instantly, and although Anna couldn’t see, she could still feel the powerful muscles of his esophagus engulfing her tiny frame. 

“NO!” She was forced downward at a rapid, terrifying pace. Her arms were pinned up above her head, and with each tug from the slick muscles, more slimy substances connected with her body. 

“NO, N-NO, JOHN—”

Another swallow cut her off, the muscles around her squeezing the air out of her lungs and making the panic coursing through her intensify. She could barely move. The darkness was smothering her, alive, squeezing her every inch of the way down—

Her legs were free. 

Eyes widening, knowing what it meant but refusing to believe it, Anna tried one more time to claw at the walls of his throat, but it didn’t matter. 

With a final squeeze from his gullet, Anna dropped onto a cushy surface. She managed to land on her knees, her panicked eyes darting this way and that in the darkness. Everything was eerily still and quiet, the only thing she could hear the quick pounding of her heart.

He couldn’t have.

Her chest felt heavy. Slime dribbled down the back of her neck, making her shudder violently. 

Where else could she be? Her senses were on overdrive. She was painfully aware of the feeling of sticky saliva clinging to her body, but also aware of the noises surrounding her— soft gurgles and growls, uneven, shaky breaths, and—

A low thumping from above her. 

His heartbeat. 

He just put me in and… 

God, she couldn’t even think it. 

...like I didn’t even matter?!

Her best friend— someone she’d thought was dead, had eaten her. Whole and alive. Her days— her minutes — her seconds were numbered. How long did it take a zombie to digest? How long did she have to breathe the stale tasting air and wait for acid to melt her into nothing? 

A gurgle echoed through the fleshy chamber, loud enough to make Anna jolt and grasp her weapon—

I still have it. 

Without hesitation, she dug the pointed end of it into the stomach’s floor as hard as she could manage, standing on wobbly legs. She braced herself against it, driving it in deep before tugging it free with a sickening squelch. 

“NO!” She snarled, stumbling forward, ignoring the dizzy feeling that came with standing up, “I am not dying in some SHITTY TOWN,” she punctuated those words by driving the sharp end of the cane into the closest wall, “in some BROKEN DOWN BASE,” she pushed it in further, “where NO ONE WILL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!” 

Running on sheer desperation, the shrunken survivor used what little strength she had left to drag the sharp tip through the wall of flesh, feeling her entire environment abruptly tense around her. A growl rolled through the space, making everything vibrate. 

It only encouraged her to continue. 

Removing the edge, Anna began beating him with the blunt end, hitting him over and over again as if the cane was a baseball bat. 

“If you want me to stop” she hissed through her teeth, “then LET! ME! OUT!” She hit him with every word, choking up slightly as she did.

Those three words suddenly made it all real. Her whole world began to crash down around her, the realization coupled with the churning motions of the stomach around her enough to bring her to her knees.

She was stuck in this horrible small town. She was in a worn down military base. Her friends wouldn’t know what happened to her. She was tiny. And she was in the stomach of one of her closest friends. 

Anna Shepherd was going to die. 

Her grip on the candy cane loosened to a point where it slipped from her fingers, though, she barely noticed as it hit the fleshy floor beside her. Her eyes began to sting from tears. There was no joy in them. Not this time. 

Alone in the dark, alone with the realization that John, her closest friend, the person she would feel safe to talk about anything around— the person who helped her through her mother’s death and always, always been by her side,  the person she cared for the most—

Another organic rumble from the stomach around her sent a cold chill through her body. 

John was going to kill her, and nobody would ever know. 

As the adrenaline faded and her limbs grew weak and heavy, Anna began to curl into a ball, her hands shaking violently. She wanted to scream out to him, or hit him with the cane as hard as she could manage, maybe even carve her way out. If she just managed to claw hard enough, she could do it, couldn’t she? 

All she did was let tears trickle down her cheeks and curl up tighter. What else could she do?

She was alone. Stupidly alone. Had Nick or Steph been there, they would’ve been able to bludgeon him and this whole thing never would’ve happened. They wouldn’t just give up, either, they’d fight with everything they had and then some, but… 

She was so tired. Her head was pounding at a mile a minute, and her limbs felt so, so heavy. She was going to pass out, soon. 

And I’ll never wake up again. 

Before the darkness behind her eyes engulfed her limited vision of the soft walls surrounding her entirely, Anna managed to choke out a sentence so quiet, it sounded like a breath. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you…” She whimpered. 

Then, there was nothing but the darkness and a low, slow heartbeat thudding above her. 

[pass-the-bechdel]

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, once.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Seven (30.43% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Sixteen.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Film Quality:

Significantly flawed, and well-known in fandom for it. Unpopular opinion? I still think it’s better than the first Avengers film.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Natasha and Laura pass in a single-line trade. It’s sooo close to not counting.

Female characters:

Natasha Romanoff.

Wanda Maximoff.

Maria Hill.

Helen Cho.

Peggy Carter.

Laura Barton.

FRIDAY.

Male characters:

Tony Stark.

Steve Rogers.

JARVIS.

Thor.

Clint Barton.

Strucker.

Pietro Maximoff.

Bruce Banner.

Ultron.

Sam Wilson.

James Rhodes.

Ulysses Klaue.

Heimdall.

Nick Fury.

Erik Selvig.

Vision.

OTHER NOTES:

Everyone talking about Strucker like we already know who he is...

The “Shit!”/”Language!” gag was funnier before they hung a lantern on it. Not least because it takes almost a full minute before Tony harks back to it (fifty seconds, actually. I checked). If you’re gonna make a Thing out of it, you gotta follow up immediately, not after fifty seconds of cutting around to different character intros and action shots and a whole lot of other dialogue. 

Urrgghh, ok, I’m going to break my standing rule about not discussing source material, because we gotta acknowledge the colossal wrongness of re-writing the Maximoff twins - canonically Jewish Romani - as willing volunteers in a Nazi science experiment. It gets worse the more you think about it. There are a few things about this movie which generated significant negative outcry, and this incredibly offensive decision is one of them.

Tony and Thor fighting over who has a better girlfriend does have a certain charm to it. If you’re gonna have a testosterone-off, it might as well be about how great your partner is.

I got a zero out of ten on this out-of-nowhere forced romance crap with Natasha and Bruce. We’ll come back to this later.

“I will be reinstituting Prima Nocta,” Tony declares, as he prepares to lift Thor’s hammer and thereby theoretically take charge of the Nine Realms. Primae noctis (believed to in fact be a myth) refers to a supposed Dark-Ages law that granted lords the ‘right’ to take the virginity of any newlywed peasant woman who lived on their land. So, this is a wonderful little rape joke from Tony (or, y’know, not so little, since primae noctis in reality would make Tony a serial rapist). Ha ha ha ha. Hilarious. Good one.

I’m really mad about the parts here that are total garbage, because mostly, the revels sequence has a nice low-key quality to it, good solid team dynamics. 

I can’t fucking believe that they played the ‘and then Bruce falls with his face in Natasha’s cleavage!’ gag. I cannot believe it. Is this a disgusting frat-boy comedy from the nineties?

Honestly, Tony, just shut up and admit that you KNEW from the get-go that it was wrong to try and make Ultron happen (that is why you kept it secret from everyone else to begin with); don’t try to defend the decision now that you’ve got a ‘murderbot’ on your hands. Take responsibility for a bad choice instead of talking shit about how you had to and everyone else is just too short-sighted, damn it! 

Andy Serkis is delightful.

The Iron Man/Hulk fight absolutely KILLS the momentum of this film. It goes for way the fuck too long (eight minutes) and has no narrative significance at all. Pro tip for action scenes: they should always be driving the story somewhere. You can pull off eighty minutes of action so long as your plot is advancing alongside/within it.

Also, Iron Man causes a huge amount of additional damage during this fight, in the service of the aforementioned pointless action. His efforts to minimise Hulk’s effects are extremely poor, and calling in his relief organisation to clean up after the fact does not negate that. 

Gotta love that throwing a wife and kids at Hawkeye at the same time as we suddenly start pushing this Natasha/Bruce thing. That’s not transparent at all. I also understand this to be a major deviation from Clint’s identity in the comics, and very unpopular with fans for that reason, but regardless; reinventing him as a family man to reset the romantic blather after baiting fans with the possibility of Clint/Natasha in the first Avengers movie is such a shitty move. I was not invested in the ship myself and would have loved to have them reinforce the just-friends relationship between Hawkeye and Black Widow, because there are not enough platonic friendships between compatible men and women in fiction, but 'they’re not interested in each other because they’re busy with someone else!’ is a weak reinforcement indeed. Less forced romances, and definitely less token wifey who exists for no other Goddamn reason at all. This comes out of nowhere, and not in a clever-surprise kind of way.

“You still think you’re the only monster on the team?” Natasha says, after telling Bruce about her sterilisation. This earned a HUGE backlash, and for good reason - despite all arguments about how what Natasha meant was that her being raised to be an assassin makes her a monster, the direct implication of her words as they are phrased and as the discussion is structured is that her inability to have children makes her monstrous, and that’s deeply offensive. It’s also completely in keeping with a narrative which is often played out against women, in which their value as people is attributed directly to their ability to produce offspring, so it’s not even like this outrageous implication of monstrosity - the corruption of what it means to be female! - is that unusual. It’s awful, but not unusual. Add on the fact that 1) Natasha’s nightmare-flashes specifically foregrounded her sterilisation over all other details of her training, supporting the idea that she believes that it’s what makes her irredeemable (instead of, y’know, all the murdering and stuff), and 2) this is Joss Whedon’s work and he is OBSESSED with highlighting the womanhood of his female characters and treating it like their defining trait while also variously punishing them for it, and you’ve got every reason to interpret this terrible fucking line as exactly the heinous thing it (presumably, unwittingly) seems to be. 

Steve ripping a log in half with his bare hands is the funniest thing in this whole movie.

Thor’s brief side-adventure with Erik Selvig is pretty out-of-place. He just...goes for a swim in a convenient magic pond that Selvig chances to know about. Seems normal.

Ultron is full of such boring, empty rhetoric. Reminds me of Loki in The Avengers, with all that sound-and-fury. 

I love Paul Bettany.

Man, they sure do find Natasha instantly. It’s almost like making a damsel-in-distress of her who needs to be rescued by the team was completely meaningless...

Breaking my no-BTS rule (since I already have done for this movie at this point) because it’s well-known how Joss Whedon ordered Elizabeth Olsen not to show exertion or ‘ugly emotion’ on her face in this film, because God forbid she compromise her attractiveness by being human. Joss Whedon is not human; he’s fucking trash. 

The final fight sure does just, y’know, get to a point where it ends. They really did not ratchet up the tension over the course of the Sokovia conflict, it just goes along until it stops (also, they say Sokovia is a country, but then they never call the city anything else, it’s just Sokovia. Is the city conveniently named after the country (very confusing), or is it a city-country, like The Vatican? I kinda assume it’s option three, which is that no one bothered to care because it’s just some fake European placeholder anyway and we’re not supposed to notice such a dumb oversight).

“I was born yesterday.” This is the best quip in this whole thinks-it-is-way-wittier-than-it-is movie.

Helen Cho deserved better than to be a prop rapidly dismissed and then just trotted past at the end for an ‘oh, she survived, btw’. 

Back when I reviewed the first Avengers movie, I said that I considered that film to be heavily overrated, so maybe it’s not such a surprise that I actually like this one better. The two primary problems I had with that first film were the overly simplistic plot, and the fact that most of the characters were OOC compared to previous films, and this movie does do better on both scores, so I feel more engaged by it, and less annoyed. That said...this movie has still got a lot of problems, and those include iffy characterisation and a plot with various holes, nonsensical complications, and conveniently ignored or smoothed-down dynamics. When I say I like this movie better than the first one, I mean just that: I like this better. That does not mean I am here to sing its praises. 

The tacked-on romance is part of the problem - for Clint as well as Natasha (but especially for Natasha). After Hawkeye was so heavily under-used in the first film (and his slightly-ambiguous relationship with Black Widow was the only human element that made him a character instead of a prop), Age of Ultron attempts to compensate by giving Clint a personal life, in the form of a magically-appearing heavily-pregnant wife and a pair of nameless children. The function of this family appears to be 1) to give Clint a reason to not be interested in Natasha, and 2) to ‘humanise’ him by giving him something to fight for and get home to, because we all know nothing legitimises a character quite like some otherwise-irrelevant dependents. Want a man to seem lovable and important? Give him a pregnant wife. That’s what women are for, anyway, right? To enhance a man’s story? In this case, to provide a man whose purpose in the story has been contested with insta-personality, because ‘he’s secretly a family man, ooh, twist!’ is way better than having to spend time on giving him something to do in the plot that is actually meaningful in some way. Great logic. Makes Hawkeye super dynamic, right? 

Natasha, unsurprisingly, is hit much, much harder. As the only female avenger and one of only two prominent female characters in a cast which has seven-to-nine male characters of equal or greater importance/screen time (YMMV on whether or not you think Fury and Vision count for that list), the pressure is already on for Natasha to be served up a quality narrative, because if she doesn’t get one, well...she doesn’t have six-to-eight alternative characters to pull the weight for her gender. The best solve for this problem would be to avoid the ‘Token Woman’ cliche in the first place, but since we missed that boat...not having the personal story of your only primary female character revolve completely around her womanhood and her catering to heteronormative expectations of a love interest would have been a good choice. This weird, forced, chemistry-free thing with Bruce Banner? Was the worst thing they could have used to define Natasha’s presence in the film. It sticks out like a sore thumb every time they have an awkward interaction, and it leads in to that atrocious ‘monstrous infertility’ element (though that particular egregious mistake could have been included with or without a romantic blunder, it...probably wouldn’t be, and we’d all be the better off). Even the Hulk-whisperer part of the relationship - while not awful on its own with all the unnecessary romance and Unresolved Sexual Not-Tension removed - serves to highlight Natasha’s female-ness by making her the soft maternal figure for the team, because God forbid one of the other male members of the team be asked to ASMR-speak to the Hulk while delicately caressing his hand. If Natasha’s presence in the first Avengers film leaned too heavily on her gender identity as a defining trait (and it did), this movie doesn’t fix that problem at all: it doubles down on it. 

The good news for most of the excess of male characters is, they by-and-large don’t feel as OOC as they did in the first film. The boorish romantic entanglement aside, Bruce Banner is still a naturalistic character highlight (all credit to Mark Ruffalo, who probably doesn’t know how to turn in a bad performance in the first place), and Thor’s dialogue is way less ridiculous this time ‘round, so he lands a lot closer to his personality from previous films simply by virtue of sounding like the same guy (unfortunately, the plot does not have the faintest idea what it wants to do with him as a character). Steve Rogers is still being written as if being Captain America is his character, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of his identity, albeit one which conveniently allows him to behave in a stereotypical self-righteously bland manner, thus avoiding the need for any nuance in his perspective or actions. This borderline fanfic-flamer ‘Captain America is my least favourite character so I’m going to write him as a boring stick-in-the-mud and then hopefully no one else will like him either!’ approach doesn’t grate quite as badly as it did in the first Avengers, and it can’t cancel out the innate level-headed charm of Chris Evans, so as disappointing as the bias is, it’s still a better balance here than it was last time. The one character who is not so flatteringly handled, however? Also happens to be the one who was arguably handled best last time, and unfortunately, he’s the one who is essentially treated as the ‘lead’. 

The big problem for Tony Stark is that this movie is not interested in digging in to the pathos of any character, it’s all-flash-no-substance on that front, and Tony really, really needed a less heavy-handed slathering of ‘afraid of what might come (feat. messiah complex)’ to motivate his actions and reactions in this film, because without any exploration he’s basically just a billionaire kid playing with matches. If this were an Iron Man film (either the first or third one, anyway), we’d get into some tasty deconstruction of Tony’s mental state and confront his hubris, etc, and - crucially, most crucial of all, it’s a mainstay of all his past stories in the MCU - Tony would own up to his mistakes, listen to the advice of those around him, and take contrite steps toward fixing the problem not just in the direct sense of ‘beating the bad guy’, but also in the personal and emotional sense of working on his own flaws and making amends with the people he hurt along the way. This movie offers none of that. To begin with, Tony’s ‘I know best and I will not be taking any questions’ approach to creating Ultron feels like a significant step backwards in his character development so far (Iron Man 3 was specifically about addressing his PTSD and associated tumultuous emotions surrounding the fear of imminent alien invasion, so his reactionary and secretive behaviour in this film feels particularly out-of-touch with a mental reality Tony has been explicitly working on for the past couple of years); Tony is actively aware that it’s a bad call and thus hides it from the other Avengers until it’s too late, and then he’s bizarrely unrepentant about his mistake. Worst of all, he actually attempts to repeat that mistake, only worse, late in the film (the fact that his idiotic ‘mad scientist’ pep talk actually convinces Bruce to help him again is the weakest character moment for Bruce outside of the aforementioned romance crap). The plot rewards Tony’s second, far worse mistake, in the creation of Vision, who turns out to be ‘worthy of wielding Thor’s Hammer’ and whatnot and conveniently provides every necessary skill to defeat Ultron in a deus ex machina so overt you could use it as a textbook example, so even though Tony had absolutely no way of knowing that he’d get a good result this time and almost every reason to believe he’d just compound the existing problem, his reckless disregard for the literal safety of the planet is treated like a good thing because it happens to work out this time, and they just kinda sweep under the rug the fact that Tony is playing God (and being uncharacteristically stupid and selfish about it - in other films, Tony is normally only reckless with his own safety, and it’s when his actions spill out into unintended consequences for others that he realises the error of his ways and cues up a positive learning curve; it’s what makes him palatable). At the end of the film, once Ultron is gone and Tony has thrown some dispassionate wads of cash into ‘relief efforts’, he strolls and quips and eventually drives off into the sunset in his expensive car, with nary a mention of, I dunno, maybe a little guilty conscience? Maybe a hint of having learned a valuable lesson? The closest he gets is just suggesting that it might be time he retires from Avenging, but neither he nor anyone else lets on that there’s a need for serious self-reflection. The Tony Stark in this movie is the nightmarish male-fantasy version of the character, the playboy with the cool tech and no limits who does whatever he wants and then...literally rides off into the sunset in the end, no muss, no fuss. He’s kinda like a complete reversion to his original self, pre-Iron Man, frittering money around and designing weapons of mass destruction while convincing himself he’s bringing peace to the world one explosion at a time, but that Tony has no business here, seven years of character development down the track.

While we’re talking iffy characterisation, we should also segue into plot, and that’s something we can do easily enough by looking at our villain, Ultron. Calling Ultron an actual character feels...ambitious. He’s a CGI robot full of empty rhetoric and, you guessed it, more of those quips that this movie has in place of any meaningful dialogue. I’d call him self-fellating, but he ain’t got nothing to fellate, so instead he just blathers a lot in a manner that sounds vaguely poetically intelligent but is, upon a moment’s consideration, just vapid nonsense (much like Loki in the first Avengers, as noted above, but at least Loki had the benefit of a flesh-and-blood actor delivering his lines with conviction; James Spader does solid work as the voice of Ultron, but trying to make a CGI robot who spouts a school-kid’s attempt at edgy philosophy sound like a genuine menace is an uphill battle). Speaking of genuine menace, I assume the reason the film is called Age of Ultron is because A Couple of Days of Ultron Causing Disturbances in a Handful of Specific Locations was too much. For all the big talk (and there is..so much), Ultron doesn’t get up to all that much trouble, most notably in the sense that he apparently has his code all over the internet and yet he doesn’t bother stirring up a single ounce of chaos with that ungodly power. Why bother including this as an element of the character if it achieves zero story? Is it purely to make Ultron seem ~unstoppable~ because he keeps downloading into new robots? Because it didn’t really land, y’all. They try to play it like a big victory for the good guys when Vision burns Ultron out of the ‘net, but in context it’s meaningless because he didn’t do anything while he was there. Pretty much everything about Ultron was all talk, little to no action - even a whole bunch of the trouble he did cause happened off-screen, with Maria Hill just popping in to let us know that ‘there are reports of metal men stealing shit’. Cheers, cool. And you know, Ultron makes a song and dance about how he’s going to save the world by ‘ending the Avengers’, but then he...does not pursue that at all. He tries to make himself a pretty body, the Avengers thwart him, and then he enacts a doomsday machine to destroy all life on Earth. Like every other aspect of the character, the whole ‘end the Avengers’ schtick is just white noise, there’s no meaning in it. Ultron is just a same-old-same ‘What if Artificial Intelligence wants to WIPE US OUT?!’ cliche, and maybe that’s what he was in the comics too, I don’t know, but it’s the job of the film to tell that story in a dynamic way, and they had two and a half hours to do it. And yet.

There should be more to this than a nondescript placeholder villain concept and a series of action set pieces that just kinda happen until they stop. At least the first Avengers had some variety in each of its action sequences, using the location and the different skills and weapons of its antagonists, whereas this one is just ‘there are robots and the good guys punched and shot them until they were all broken, the end’. Even making the city fly in the end doesn’t actually make it interesting, not least because the characters spend most of their time running around the (weirdly, perfectly stable) streets not having to deal with any consequences of being up in the air anyway, and the doomsday device is too nebulous to ratchet up any real tension about figuring out how to deal with it. The conflicts with the Maximoff twins have at least some spark of life in them, but the characters themselves are treated to an over-simplified and very contrived narrative arc that uses what they do and what they know more as plot devices than as details of actual people’s lives, leading to a cheap death for Pietro so that Wanda will be distracted enough to abandon the big ol’ doomsday button, and it’s just all so convenient. There’s no heart in any of it, and it makes the moments that try to have heart all the more embarrassing and out-of-place (don’t even get me started on what a prescribed attempt at tugging the heart-strings it is to have Hawkeye name his magnificently well-timed newborn after Pietro, because DAMN). When I said I liked this movie better than the first Avengers, I meant just that: I like this better. That’s not to suggest that it is significantly better in any sense, because it isn’t, and I can’t even argue that this one has a better story, because honestly, it doesn’t. The first film made more sense, it was just less interesting to watch, and the things about it that were contrived were contrived in different ways. The first film was weaker and more irritating on character, and character is always the most important part of a story for me, so as annoyed as I am by the major character blunders in Age of Ultron, I’m still not as annoyed as I was after The Avengers. That is damning with the faintest of praise; this is just not a particularly good movie, it makes a poor use of its cast at the best of times, delivers a sub-par action extravaganza, and the script is not half as witty as it gleefully convinces itself that it is. It comes as no surprise, I’m sure, that I am very glad a certain writer/director departed the franchise after disappointing everyone with this outing. I say I like this better than the first Avengers, but gee, it’s a close call.

[wandernic]

My SPOILERY Be More Chill review

In honor of tonight’s opening, I wanted to put together my impressions of the show, brought to you by five off-Broadway and four Broadway preview viewings. I will divide things up by scene/song to better order my thoughts. Please DO NOT read if you haven’t seen or don’t know the story well already. 

(In that case, here’s a mini-review for you: GOOOOO SEE THIS! Okay now do yourself a favor and close this window.)

More Than Survive:

I like the change to Mr. Heere just eating cereal in his underwear, and unable to drive Jeremy to school. This better conveys Jeremy's real frustration with his dad being mentally checked out than the (admittedly funnier) off-Broadway scene, which just made Jeremy seem grossed out by him.

I miss the Chloe-Jake breakup scene a bit, but it didn't really add much to the narrative other than seeing them as a couple for a brief moment. The next mini-scene where Jenna addresses the breakup with Chloe accomplishes what's needed, plus adds to Jenna's narrative as the girl everyone goes to for the dirt and nothing else.

I Love Play Rehearsal:

I would shower Stephanie Hsu with multiple Tonys for this scene alone. Her Christine is equal parts adorable and batshit, and we can easily see why Jeremy finds her so much more fascinating than the conventionally attractive popular girls at school.

Minor gripe: BRING BACK JAKE'S DAB. That shit was hilarious, and in a simple move showed how Jake, while trying to live up to the cool jock everyone knows him to be, has the same amount of dork inside that everyone does.  

The Squip Song:

Ugh I get they're trying to clean this up for a staid Broadway audience, but Rich drawing the penis on the wall and brazenly peeing in front of Jeremy are both missed. Not just for the humor, but because without it Rich just seems like his Squip made him merely mean, instead of confident. That confidence would presumably be what Rich was seeking with a Squip, not to become a garden variety bully, so it loses something in the translation when Rich isn't displaying that through his inappropriate jokes.

I do appreciate Rich's bullying of Jeremy being stepped up, because it's important we get a fuller idea of Jeremy's suffering. Off-Broadway, it just came across as "I can't get the girl I dig and a boy at school sometimes says shitty things." Though certainly emotional bullying is awful, its pervasiveness over a long period of time is hard to convey in a few short scenes. Having Rich also physically intimidate Jeremy makes you feel Jeremy's fear in a palpable way, which leads you to sympathize more with him.

Also can we give Gerard Canonico a Tony merely for the "It's from Japan!" scream? I think, yes. Seriously, his performance in this role is so iconic, it's hard to imagine another actor playing Rich.

Two-Player Game:

The perfect scene for conveying the true dynamic of Jeremy and Michael's friendship. That dynamic being, Michael is a much better friend to Jeremy than Jeremy is to Michael. This is one of the challenges for Will Roland in portraying Jeremy: he is not an easily likeable character. Yes, Jeremy is bullied at school, but he also makes everything about him, his needs, his pain, etc. There isn't a moment in which Jeremy checks to see how Michael's doing (lest we forget Michael is also bullied - the backpack prank was pulled on him, too.) So this song works as both a fun bop, and as a display of the unequal nature of this friendship.

Also, on the whole I *love* Chase Brock's choreography. Especially in "Halloween" and the utterly phenomenal "The Pitiful Children." The one exception is when Jeremy and Michael get up from the bed to finish this song; these moves are clunky and not sharp. It's hard to tell if executed more crisply, they would work better for me, or if the actors are intentionally sort of keeping it loose to demonstrate that these dudes are not as cool as their peers.

Be More Chill:

Jeremy's Squip being activated and the ultimate dramatic appearance of that Squip is one of my favorite moments in the show. My God, the evolution of the Squip from last summer has me floored. It was always good, but what Jason Tam is doing with this character now is must-see. This Squip is like an emotionally abusive partner. He coldy points out what he sees as your flaws, then smooth talks you about your amazing potential, and you forget that you were ever hurt or mad to begin with. Rinse, repeat. He also reminds me of the current administration, in that he'll say something totally out of bounds, then quickly walk it back to where he really wanted you, and you're temporarily swayed by the dial-down that he's not so bad after all. Fucking masterful.

If this man isn't nominated, seriously fuck the Tonys.

Do You Wanna Ride?

What I love most about this besides its hilarity is that it shows a bit of quid pro quo in the seemingly one-sided Chloe/Brooke friendship. While Chloe pretty openly treats Brooke poorly on multiple occasions, when Brooke wants an assist in trying to get Jeremy to say yes, Chloe immediately jumps to her cue and joins in. This is actually more than Jeremy ever helps Michael with anything in the entirety of the show, which is pretty fucking sad when you think about it.

Katlyn Carlson and Lauren Marcus have perfect chemistry as the best frenemies we'd love to hate if only we didn't kind of totally love them so damn much.

Be More Chill Part 2:

I liked the staging for this better at Signature. It serviced the choreography much better when they didn't throw a mall fountain mid-stage that forces them to redirect the dance moves in a less visually striking manner. I especially miss the hoveround rolling down center stage with the mall shoppers trailing behind it. We've already been to Payless and the food court; we know it's a mall. The fountain is unnecessary. Also, can we give Troy a better alter-ego when he goes on? The Starbucks get-up just looks like Michael went to work at his mall job and for some unknown reason put a wig on.

Sync Up:

I love the expansion of the supporting roles in the show, something this song supports to great effect. I don't have a lot more to say on this scene since it's new to Broadway, and I don't remember as much as the other scenes.  Also I believe before this song is when Jeremy ditches his glasses, and I like the change from first preview in how that was accomplished (though I did laugh at the Spiderman rip-off that first night).

A Guy That I'd Kinda Be Into:

I MISS THE PART WHERE BROOKE NODS HER HEAD ALONG WITH CHLOE WHILE LECTURING CHRISTINE. This is in all caps because that shit was comic gold; why take it out? It also demonstrated how in tune with Chloe's whims and emotions Brooke is, which is to say, too much. If I can't have this back, I'm going to at least need someone to explain why it was taken out.

I believe this scene is where the Squip puzzles over the person Christine is, and I love both that she's entirely confounded him, and that post-song, she ultimately defeats his carefully constructed plotting just by being the unpredictable person she is.

As for the song, this has been unchanged that I can see, and that's because it does exactly what it needs to do well.

Upgrade:

One of the best changed scenes from Signature. It was fine there, but is much more fleshed out now, and gives more insight into many of the characters that is needed and appreciated. I especially appreicated the added dialogue between Jeremy and Brooke, in which we get Brooke's insight into her self-doubt, and how Jeremy's seeming interest moved her.  

I did prefer how the Squip insinuated himself more in this scene at the first preview. When he was trying to get Jeremy to get with Brooke, he pretty much physically climbed on him to push him into her on the bleachers. In a future preview, the Squip stood completely away from them onstage, directing Jeremy with hand motions, and I didn't think that worked at. All. Last Sunday, he stood near them and physically pushed Jeremy with just his hand to kiss Brooke; while an improvement, it still wasn't as effective as the first preview for two reasons.

One, the complete disregard for personal space is just much funnier. Two and more importantly, when the Squip was literally pushing Jeremy's body into Brooke's with his own (imaginary) body, it demonstrated an important aspect of the Squip's control of Jeremy. What looks like the Squip being physically seductive is really a demonstration of his seduction of Jeremy's mind. This is significant, because Jeremy ends up doing a lot of things he doesn't particularly want to do, but the Squip seduces him into thinking he does. I found that incredibly effective.

Loser, Geek, Whatever:

My gripe with this otherwise effective scene is the singing of the song itself. Every time it starts to build steam melodically, it's cut off by Jeremy saying/shouting so many of the lyrics. The build-up then has to start again, leaving the song to finish up not as impactful as it could be. This could be a barn-burner Act 1 closer, and instead it's just pretty good. Also I don't know how Will Roland takes that loooooong end note up and down and back again, and still belt as powerfully at the end of it as the start. The show must be using some new can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet technology to pump air into his lungs from backstage. This actor has taken on a very difficult character and pitched it just on the line of where it needs to be to work. So impressive.

Halloween:

Love the song. LOVE the choreo (lookin' at you, Chase Brock.) Love LOVE the addition of the Squip front and center. This makes so much sense, because by manipulating Jeremy he's really manipulating all of them, and his inclusion in the midst of the party instead of on its periphery demonstrates this incredibly well.

I don't love the substitution of a pumpkin candle for a gas can. What even was that thought process? That sucks up the drama of that moment almost entirely. What level of foreboding does one accomplish with a pumpkin?

This scene contains my only major problem with the show, and that is Jake's sudden and unexplained loss of interest in Christine. Are we to infer that they slept together once and that's all Jake was after? And that all of his character development in Act 1 was bullshit? In which case what was the point of developing his character at all? This whole thing could be easily fixed by a line or two where Jake realizes he still has feelings for Chloe, but that never happens. I haven't seen the show since last Sunday (when multiple people told me it was locked in), so I hope since that time they've unlocked it to fix the one glaring flaw, either clarifying Jake is a dick, or Jake misunderstood his own feelings. In any event, Britton is absolutely CRUSHING IT with the nuances of Jake, and I can't wait to hear him on the Broadway cast album.

Do You Wanna Hang?:

Katlyn Carlson is a comic genius. All the little touches she throws into this hilariously awful attempt at seduction are amazing. The only part of this I liked better at Signature is when Jeremy asks her if she's jealous, and in this version she's crying while saying "obviously not." (Or at least she was on Sunday). I think this works better if she immediately *stops* crying at that point, playing it like it's the most absurd possible question Jeremy could ask.

Michael in the Bathroom:

Alternate title: George Salazar at the Tonys

Michael is quite simply the beating heart of this show, an odd role for a supporting character. As played by George, he is that quirky, too weird to be popular but too sweet to not love friend that if we were very lucky, we had growing up. Michael is so important because to be frank, Jeremy is kind of a self-involved dick. That would make the show entirely dependent on Will Roland's ability to make us relate to Jeremy through those trials he faces that we've all experienced - and he does an amazing job. But he also gets a Herculean assist from George, who so convincingly relates how steadfast and loyal to Jeremy Michael is, it makes us believe there's something special in Jeremy that warranted this devotion.

A Guy That I'd Kinda Be Into (Reprise):

During the couch scene between Jeremy and Christine, they've cut out Christine's very valid explanation as to why she can't date Jeremy (it involved getting to know herself better first). This is a problem, because it doesn't make sense at the end of the show when she likes him - we never see why she made that leap, so we're meant to assume she likes him for doing the bare minimum of correcting his own mistake. The way it was at Signature, we find out at least that she just isn't in a head space to date someone on the heels of her breakup with Jake, which shows she could be interested in Jeremy once she gets past that.

The Smartphone Hour:

Easily one of my favorite scenes. Tiffany Mann as Jenna is a delight from start to finish, and this is her moment to shine. Her comic sensibility is perfection. Lauren and Katlyn chime in with equally hilarious support.

My only complaint in this number is the slight lyric change to "Jake's house." For pity's sake, we just spent three or four songs at Jake's party; I promise you, we grasp who's house it is. And the change ruins the flow of the song a bit.

The Pants Song:

Okay yes this song is sweetly funny and does exactly what is needed to advance the plot here. But I just want to talk about Jason SweetTooth Williams overall right now. HOW IS HE A REAL PERSON THAT CAN SO EFFORTLESSLY JUMP FROM ROLE TO ROLE WITHIN SECONDS WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT. Mr. Reyes and his delusions of grandeur is my favorite, but Williams brings equal skill to all his roles, including Jeremy's dad. What a talent.

The Pitiful Children/The Play:

This may be my favorite song. Especially with the song, choreography, and performances here, this show is firing simultaneously on all cylinders. I also love that Jeremy and Jenna have an extended conversation that lets us know her a little more. Tiffany Mann gives a heartfelt authenticity to this that is lovely.

I think this is the scene where these critiques go (apologies if not). I wish Jeremy didn't tell his Squip "you were supposed to make Christine like me!" One thing I love about Jeremy is that he is not really into the popular girls, but the most interesting girl. He digs Christine because of all that she is.

When he says this line, he is upset because the Squip didn't make Christine do what he wanted, meaning he now wants her to change to like him. I think this would work better and make Jeremy come across as less of an incel if the line were more like, "you were supposed to make me someone Christine would like!" It was, after all, himself that Jeremy was looking to change - not Christine, who he loves as she is. That is this character's saving grace, and this diminishes it a bit.

That said, I do think there was an overcorrection in trying to make Jeremy more likeable. In the three previews I saw before Sunday, Jeremy tricks Jenna into drinking the Squip-spiked drink. In the last version I saw, he actually tells her what it is, and she immediately drinks it. It's pretty unrealistic that she would do that. Worse, it conflicts with Jeremy's "you were supposed to make Christine like me!" outburst. If we must allow for the fact the Squip has gained so much control of Jeremy he no longer cares that Christine likes him of her own choosing, he's certainly not going to care about respecting Jenna's need to consent to taking the Squip. Given the choice, I would either change Jeremy's line about making Christine like him, or his choice to tell Jenna what's in the drink. Back-to-back, they don't give us a good sense of how much control the Squip has of Jeremy at that point.

After Jeremy and Michael battle everyone and Jeremy makes his final choice, as the result becomes clear, Michael bizarrely explains what is happening on the spot. This makes little sense, especially in light of the fact that at the hospital, he asks Jeremy how he knew what would result from what he did. Um, he didn't know, you literally explained it to him in the middle of the last scene, bro. I would omit Michael's inexplicably instantaneous explanation from the Play scene and let the audience sit with the aftermath a moment, before having it clarified in the hospital scene.

Voices in my Head:

Not a fan of the lyric changes here, which seem to water down the edge of the teens ("she probably thinks that acne is hot") to morph them into Stepford children ("we got your back 'cause we are your squad" - vomit). Otherwise, this scene wraps everything up well and leaves you satisfield with the weird, wild journey you just went on.

What a score (my #1 favorite in all of musical theater history), what a cast, what a show! If there are not multiple Tonys thrown at this masterpiece, any significance the Tonys have is null and void.

In short, GET THERE or you’re missing the show of the year!

[skiller0dani]

Demon and the Dame | Part Five

Summary: After 6 long months with Dean in the wind, Eleanor finally sees him again but it’s not the reunion she was expecting.  

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Eleanor Walker (OC) 

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Spoiler Alert Season 10, Swearing, Gore, Violence, 

A/N: I know I posted earlier but that part was REALLY short and I felt bad so here’s another post for you guys!! If you think I didn’t put enough Demon!Dean into this series don’t worry!! Demon!Dean will reappear in flashbacks ;) 

Part 4  Part 6 Masterlist

6. Fucking. Months. He left 6 months ago and for 5 of those months Eleanor searched everywhere for him, practically tore the country in half looking for Dean but he was gone as quickly as he came and it only occurred to her after he left that he didn’t even give her his last name. He left and he gave her no way of finding him, so Eleanor gave up and settled on living in some dirty apartment just outside Lebanon. Her search was met with dead end after dead end, without a last name she didn’t get very far. She followed a lead from the Black Spur to San Francisco where she heard rumors of someone fitting Dean’s description but it turned out to be a druggie robbing drug stores. From there another source led her to Colorado but that turned out to be a morbidly obese man whose name happened to be Dean, but he was in jail for attempted burglary. Most of her searches went like that. 

Eleanor felt stupid, she had a good setup in Beulah and she dropped everything to find her mystery man. Dean probably isn’t even his real name and no matter how many times Anne-Marie had warned her to stay away from Dean, Eleanor just didn’t listen. “He’s no good El, just stay away. Trust me I learned the hard way.” And now Eleanor is convinced that Dean left her worse off than he left Anne. Since now she was working at some sleazy bar where the tips are shitty and the uniform is slinky. Eleanor thought that taking a job where the required uniform showed off your tits and ass would have decent tippers, but she turned out to be dead wrong. Man was her judgement skewed, and every day she itches more and more to return to the Black Spur, but some other part of her doesn’t want to give up. She doesn’t want to stop looking for Dean. She considered trying to look for his brother and work backwards from there, it’d be easier to find Dean that way but he never mentioned his brother’s name. She can’t even remember if she heard him say it when he came in to the Black Spur. Sean? Seth? Eleanor swears it starts with an S. 

Since she gave up her search her heart hasn’t hurt any less, but she has found a new interest in hunting. It feels good to save people and while it took her a while to learn what kills what, and what everything is, Eleanor doesn’t think she’s half bad at it. She finds it particularly entertaining to kill vampires and those are usually the cases she looks into. Dean stumbled into her life, protected her, made her fucking head spin and then poof he cruised right out of her life in a 1967 Chevy Impala. Oh and she had tried to track the car using the plates but apparently Dean changes and ditches the plates on a regular basis. So that led her to a garbage dump in the middle of Ohio. Yet another dead end. He was just gone and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. Every part of her still loved him, he was wild and mysterious and sex on legs. Part of her thinks he doesn’t want to be found, that he’s holed up in some other run down bar making eyes at a pretty petite waitress in tight jeans. Doing with that waitress what he used to do with her. She tries not to think of that- it makes her violently jealous. 

Donning her Reporter getup- she waited for the witness while she was speaking with the police. Eleanor was pleasantly surprised when she learned of a possible vamp attack right here in Lebanon, at least she didn’t have to take off work to investigate- or stay in some dirty motel room. Not that her apartment was much better. When the young girl turned around, Eleanor dove in with her voice recorder. “Excuse me ma’am my name is Donna Gilman, I’m with the Lebanon Daily, and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about the attack?” Eleanor asked, learning early that it’s much easier to use fake badges and fake names that way she couldn’t be tracked, and nothing could be traced back to her. The witness- whose name was Elaine Marshall- told her about the attack. About how the man had “shark like teeth and moved quickly” how he lunged at one of her friends and ripped her throat out, with his teeth. The police of course are saying that because of the adrenaline and the fact that she was so shaken up that she was just seeing things. That the man most likely used a weapon to kill her friend- but Eleanor knew better. The man was definitely a vamp.  

Looking at the police sketch of the man, Eleanor realized that he was a regular at the bar she works at- Nighttime Rush. The bar really lives up to its name as it’s only open from 10 PM to 4:30 AM. And it really was a rush from the moment the bar opened to the moment it closed. In case anything like this had happened, Eleanor hid some supplies she would need for a hunt under the floorboards in the back where the employee lockers were. Working her usual tables with her small tight uniform on, and a tray in her hand she looks around the bar for the man. “Hey sweetheart, can I get another drink?” A familiar voice asks from her right causing her to stop and her blood to run cold. Eleanor hesitantly looks to her right to see the one and only Dean sitting with his brother at the bar. He’s clad in a black suit and sending a sideways smile at her while he tries to subtly look her up and down. Her voice is hoarse and broken as she whispers, “Dean?” And he looks nothing but startled. 

Eleanor turns and makes a beeline for the employee lounge in the back, where she hears footsteps following her. Three guesses who they belong to. Dean turns the corner, and his eyes settle on her. He seems different somehow, like a different person. He doesn’t send off the same feeling of danger that he did before, and she can’t quite put her finger on it but she can tell something has drastically changed him in the last 6 months. “How did you know my name?” He asks, his voice a mixture of forceful and confused, his eyebrows are pinched together as he stands a safe distance from her. Eleanor however is just as-if not more- confused than he is. He seems genuinely confused, did something happen to him? Does he have some form of amnesia? She looks over his uniform and notices a small slip of paper sticking out of the inside pocket- a paper with his name written at the top like someone left him a note. 

“Saw it there,” Eleanor said as casually as she could, gesturing to the paper and Dean glances down, letting out a breath. “Sorry, didn’t mean to...y’know.” Dean says, awkwardly itching the back of his neck and Eleanor looks him over. He’s more reserved than he used to be, not as confident, he almost seems unsure of himself. Which is drastically different from the overly confident, self assured person she met back in Beulah. Eleanor could hardly control the trembling in her voice, he really doesn’t remember her. “You hunting the vamp?” Eleanor asks boldly, wondering if what Dean told her about monsters and his family all those months ago was true. Dean raised his brows, looking taken aback but soon a sly smile takes over his features. “Yeah actually, you a hunter?” He asks and Eleanor swallows, nodding. She was only a hunter because of him. Ironic right? 

“Eleanor Walker.” She introduces, sticking out her hand and Dean takes it. “Dean Winchester, the guy that’s with me is my brother Sam.” Sam! She knew it started with an S, “mind if I join you in cutting down this vamp?” Eleanor asks, smiling and Dean nods. “The more the merrier.” He laughs, watching Eleanor as she moves to her hidden supplies. Winchester. So that’s his last name. “Hid some stuff here, is our vamp in for a drink yet?” She asks, prying back the floorboards to ensure her supplies are still here. Dean checks his phone and nods, “yup he just walked in. You got a plan? Me and Sam were going to tail him.” Dean says, arching a brow in her direction when she nods. “I was gonna lead him back here, and slice that bastards head off.” Dean smiles widely, and Eleanor notices how much nicer he is now than he used to be. “That is a plan I can get behind. How about I stay back here just in case you need help, and Sam tails you both back here just in case he runs off.” Dean suggests and Eleanor places a hand on her hip. 

“What? You think I need help Winchester? I may be a girl but I could totally take you.” Eleanor teases and Dean chuckles, “oh I bet you could...” He mumbles, his eyes trailing over her as she moves back to the bar to find Sam. Mostly because she wants to find the vamp but partly because she needs some space from Dean. Eleanor has no idea how she’s supposed to act like she doesn’t know who Dean is, and with how different he is she almost loves him more. He seems to care more, he’s funnier, more laid back, gentler, and everything he wasn’t when she first met him. Once she finds Sam she leans across the bar to talk to him. 

“Long story short I’m a hunter and I’m here to help you and Dean. We have a plan.” Eleanor whispers in Sam’s ear, but Sam nods. “Dean texted me, nice to meet you Eleanor.” He responds, showing her the text when the vamp walks into the club. She nods towards the door and Sam nods, his hand resting on the hilt of his machete. Eleanor flips her hair behind her back as she slinks over towards the vamp, swaying her hips a little more than she normally would. The way this is all set up reminds her of the first vamp hunt she went on with Dean before he left the Black Spur. 

“You sure?” Eleanor asks Dean but he rolls his eyes, “yeah I’m sure. Trust me.” He says and she nods, seeing the vamp leaning back against the back of the motel. She takes a deep breath and slinks over to him, swaying her hips more than she normally would, and the vamps eyes land on her right away. “Hey baby,” She says, batting her eyelashes at him. He turns to face him, his eyes wide and hungry. “Oh baby, you look positively delicious,” He whispers, slamming her back against the brick wall. The vamp presses her hard against the wall and her vision is blurry from the impact against the wall. His fangs come into view and he leans down dragging his fangs against her pulse point to bite her neck but Dean swings his machete, cutting off the vamps head. “I thought you said you were coming when I came over! You said nothing about me getting slammed against the goddamn wall Dean!” She snapped, wiping off vamp blood from her neck and face. “Don’t be a baby, you’re fine.” Dean snaps, shrugging his shoulders. 

Eleanor leans up into the vamp, having been flirting with him for a few minutes now. She takes his hand and begins to lead him back to where Dean was waiting and Eleanor prays this isn’t going to be like last time. She had to miss work for days due to a concussion that vamp gave her and Dean didn’t even give as much as a sorry. Eleanor casually sent a nod towards Sam who stood up and followed them at a safe distance. Once she led him back to near the lockers she turned, reaching back to grab her machete when the vamp showed his teeth. His hands went around her neck and she brought a knee up and slammed it into his stomach. This gave Eleanor enough time to scramble for her machete but Dean sliced his head off before she had the chance. Eleanor sat gasping against the lockers when Dean crouched in front of her. “Eleanor, are you okay?” Dean asked with genuine concern in his eyes, looking her over. She nodded slowly, feeling surprised at his concern. Before he was just indifferent. 

“Good, now care to share a drink with us? I say you’ve earned it.” Dean laughed and Eleanor nodded, taking his outstretched hand and being pulled up. A few hours later they were all sat at her kitchen table, sharing a bottle of Whiskey, which still appears to be Dean’s drink of choice. That much didn’t change about him it would seem. “So, Eleanor how did you get into hunting?” Sam asked, all three of their heads a little fussy from the alcohol. Eleanor racked her brain for an excuse as both Sam and Dean were awaiting an answer. She then remembered what Dean said to her all those months ago, “uh it kind of runs in the family.” She said quickly, knowing full well that her parents died in a car accident when she was very young. Which might work in her favor as she has no other family, so no one to rat out her secret. “Ah another born and raised hunter. Explains why you’re so good at it.” Dean compliments, sending a wink her way. Eleanor avoids his gaze when Sam checks his watch. “Shit it’s already 3.” He says and Dean nods, “yeah we better go before we fall asleep at your table.” Dean laughs and Eleanor nods, feeling both relieved and disappointed he has to leave already. This Dean is much more pleasant to hang out with than the Dean from six months ago. 

“Here, this is our number. Feel free to call or join us on a hunt anytime.” Dean said and Sam nodded as they headed out. Once they said their goodbyes and the door clicked shut Eleanor rested her head against her hands. What the fuck is going on? 

[rsaied]

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:27 PM hi

🥀 — Today at 8:27 PM what?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:28 PM why did sherry and chris ask me what my feelings about you were

🥀 — Today at 8:31 PM maybe because you told me last year you never want to speak to me again and now you're speaking to me again but i keep getting hostile vibes and you keep unfollowing me and it doesn't seem like a joke when you do it for days on end.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:31 PM well now you un followed me [8:31 PM] i think [8:32 PM] any way. its a bit. you said some thing dumb and i un followed [8:32 PM] the longer it lasts the funnier

🥀 — Today at 8:33 PM i don't remember unfollowing you. [8:33 PM] it's not that funny. [8:33 PM] i guess i did..?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:34 PM i guess so [8:34 PM] either way. you could say that its not very funny in stead of joking back and not telling me its not funny to you [8:34 PM] i am not a mind reader and you make your self hard to read any way

🥀 — Today at 8:50 PM alright. i just don't want to come across as too sensitive.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:50 PM it wouldnt kill you to show a little human emotion

🥀 — Today at 8:51 PM uh huh. i did that and you broke up with me. [8:51 PM] did it again and you said you never wanted to speak to me again.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:51 PM actually i broke up with you be cause we werent compatible [8:52 PM] and i said i dont want to speak to you again be cause you tricked me for weeks. justified or not [8:53 PM] you tricked every one, but its kind of shitty when we just broke up and we kept up conver sation like we were total strangers and not . us

🥀 — Today at 8:53 PM you broke up with me because i changed and you didn't. i got over my jealousy and you just went deeper into your jealousy and paranoia until you couldn't bear to be with me knowing that i had considered having feelings for someone else. you told me that yourself.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:54 PM thats the long way of saying we werent compatible any more [8:54 PM] also im the one who showed human emotion there

🥀 — Today at 8:54 PM so you admit i changed? [8:55 PM] remember when you said you were going to work on your mental health? what happened to that?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:56 PM sure. you changed yes [8:56 PM] ive worked on it plenty [8:56 PM] im still tired. but im not suicidal and im not jealous and im not [8:56 PM] well i might still be paranoid. but thats p t s d

🥀 — Today at 8:57 PM great.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:57 PM why

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you have no respect for me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 8:58 PM i never said that

🥀 — Today at 8:58 PM you don't have to. [8:59 PM] your impossible standards and the way you ignore parts of me that i've made clear to you say it for you.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:01 PM what im possible standards [9:01 PM] and what parts have i ignored lol

🥀 — Today at 9:02 PM i don't show enough emotion for you, for example. except for when i've showed you more than enough emotion, but that was too much and you conveniently don't mention it when you're acting like i'm an apathetic bitch. [9:04 PM] you ignore everything i've done for you and the commitments i made to you and everything i put up with for those last few days when you act like i'm some villainous mastermind who's just hurting you for fun. [9:04 PM] i haven't changed, according to you, except for all the ways i've very demonstrably changed. [9:06 PM] i guess i just haven't become exactly the person you want me to be. [9:06 PM] who do you want me to be, leon?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM does it matter?

🥀 — Today at 9:07 PM sure, tell me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:07 PM no

🥀 — Today at 9:08 PM so there is an idea. [9:08 PM] a little unfair to constantly test me against your ideal when you won't even tell me what it is, don't you think?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:12 PM you dont have to live up to my expectations [9:12 PM] even if i told you (i wont) you wouldnt want to [9:12 PM] so i dont see the use in this conversation in the first place [9:13 PM] not every one is going to live up to what i want and thats fine. why is this an issue [9:13 PM] is this be cause i told your new friend what i think? did he tell you i did? he asked. it was not un prompted [9:14 PM] if my opinion or what ever was wrong then thats fine. you can explain i am biased like i said i was and prove me wrong

🥀 — Today at 9:15 PM my who? [9:15 PM] you started this conversation.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:15 PM are you not friends [9:16 PM] & i dont know what the use in the conversation about what i want you to be is. dont play stupid

🥀 — Today at 9:16 PM that's kind of just where my rant went and then you ignored everything else i said. [9:19 PM] it was actually a rhetorical question. and it's kind of fucked up that you have an answer.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:19 PM i was "acting like youre an apathetic bitch" by saying it wont kill you to show emotion [9:19 PM] i dont really have one lol

🥀 — Today at 9:20 PM that and yesterday when you got pissed at me for not acting triggered.(edited)

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:20 PM i dont ignore what youve done for me. but i also dont ignore when you trick or manipulate me either. and one of those is kind of im portant [9:20 PM] not saying you have to act triggered but asking for pictures is a bit much [9:20 PM] also not pissed. just un comfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:21 PM i think both of those are actually important. [9:21 PM] i haven't manipulated you since 1998.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:22 PM yes of course my apologies. i will include "gave me a raise and threw me a birth day party" with "forced me to hide the tragedy in raccoon city" on the same bullet point about adam

🥀 — Today at 9:23 PM i saved your fucking life. countless times. i'm not talking about going to the aquarium with you. [9:25 PM] not only did i save your life but i almost got myself killed doing so. countless times. i risked my life and my objective and the trust of my very murderous employers to save you. that's more than a birthday party. [9:25 PM] i opened up to you. i showed you myself more vulnerably than i had ever shown anyone. you know that's the scariest thing i could possibly do. [9:26 PM] but you pretend you don't know. that's the problem. after all the struggle of showing you who i am you act like it never happened.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:29 PM what, you dont regret any of that ? [9:29 PM] im doing what you wouldve wanted. pre sumably [9:30 PM] its not like i dont know any of that happened. its that the delilah shit made me not trust you

🥀 — Today at 9:30 PM i regret opening up because you're hurting me like this now. [9:31 PM] you aren't fucking acting like it happened. [9:31 PM] it's not about trust. [9:31 PM] gave you a raise and threw you a birthday party? seriously? [9:32 PM] your example makes it sound like those five weeks overshadowed fifteen years of dedication. [9:32 PM] i have apologized again and again. i know it was wrong and you know i know that too. [9:34 PM] my apology doesn't make it right. i'm just saying that the lesson has been learned and i'm not trying to act like i didn't do anything wrong.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:36 PM okay [9:36 PM] so why does it surprise you that i dont trust you. you under stand how peoplw have breaking points

🥀 — Today at 9:37 PM i just said it's not about trust. [9:37 PM] this is what i'm saying. you don't listen to me. you don't respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM i do listen. christ

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM do you just pretend not to hear, then?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:38 PM what is it about then. fifteen years ?

🥀 — Today at 9:38 PM it's about respect.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:39 PM i can respect you and still think the giddiness about being a pathological liar is uncomfortable

🥀 — Today at 9:39 PM you can't respect me, ada, and say i haven't changed. [9:40 PM] you can't respect me, having seen me struggle and heard me express to you how difficult the lies are, and say i'm giddy about being a pathological liar. [9:41 PM] and i'm not pathological.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:42 PM then why do you do it

🥀 — Today at 9:43 PM we've had this conversation before.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:43 PM why do you still do it

🥀 — Today at 9:44 PM because i still have the same history i had then. [9:44 PM] i lie less, not that you'd know.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:44 PM less [9:45 PM] sorry for doubting you

🥀 — Today at 9:46 PM yeah because i'm not instantly better. [9:46 PM] thanks. you really make me feel good about the work i'm doing.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:47 PM does it matter what i think.

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM if we're going to be friends, yes, it  matters if you respect me.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:48 PM i do respect you

🥀 — Today at 9:48 PM literally everything you've said in this conversation indicates otherwise. [9:50 PM] what does respect mean to you?

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:50 PM well. i dont know [9:50 PM] i guess i dont

🥀 — Today at 9:50 PM thanks.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:51 PM is that sarcasm

🥀 — Today at 9:52 PM i think it's acceptance. that's what i wanted to know for sure. now i know for sure.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:52 PM i dont know how to re fute half the shit youve said which means you must be right [9:52 PM] and if toure right that means i dont. so

🥀 — Today at 9:54 PM okay.

٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ — Today at 9:54 PM okay [9:55 PM] im sorry.

🥀 — Today at 9:56 PM uh huh. "sorry i don't respect you". great. [10:01 PM] if you actually want to make amends or figure out how to respect me, you have loved ones who are also my loved ones and they can help you or get you in contact with me. but i'm going to block you because otherwise i'll just keep doing anything for you. [10:01 PM] [ada has blocked leon!]

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

//siblings bein’ siblings :’)

-

boy theyre really piling on the dick with roger. and yet, it somehow feels kinda forced. not quite as goofy-forced as ‘matt swirl my brandy and show off my scratched eye engarde’ but still... 

he’s so obnoxious that i wanna hold up a hand like “chill, chill, youre the villain, you dont have to try so hard. yeesh.”

-

In spite of everything, it's still (Tr)u(cy)

-

Did Godot also ghost write the gramarye creed?? We didn't need this man 

-

I love that she's "magical girl Trucy"

-

That is a HUGE ASS SWORD. Trucy must be ripped to balance that shit with one hand 

-

(Cries) the judge bravo’d her my heart

And Apollo asks her to be careful I fhfhfhggg 

-

JUDGE! Don't call her a butt!! - Bonny: a fan of mine took some footage of the me in the show. It's kind of creepy but it might help.

Me: ok well it can't be any creepier than the normal show footage which focuses on her quite a bit anyway---

(Footage is shot from backstage)

Me: BODYGUARD. DEMAND A BODYGUARD IN UOUR NEXT CONTRACT.DO NOT PERFORM WITHOUT ONE.

-

"What a waste of time"

I know, sadmad, it is a waste of time hinting And blabbing on when the contradiction is SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

-

To this games credit, I actually looked thru the footage to check for the edit and it's actually there. You can see the screen skip ever so slightly. I mean it's a little improbable that Trucy was still in the same position after twirling but that's a neat little detail. Not bad, SOJ, not bad at all.

- (Snerk) sexy pan up shot for mr retinz

- I know everyone loves the 'what's crackalackin homie" line but it stinks of pandering to me

It's like mr grossberg saying his hemerhoids were doing the Harlem shake. But I don't even think they were referencing the meme back then.

Also something about the way they write Nahyuta feels like the equivalent of a foreign character saying "it is-- 'ow you say..."

-

Burger barn sounds like the shittiest restaurant on earth. I wonder if it was the Ramen Ranch in the Japanese version...

-

"It's pretty long so I'll just show you the part with.." OHHH NO. We learned our lesson in dual destinies. We watch ALL the footage, damn it.

-

That must be Trucy! ... Six seconds after she runs in the opposite direction, also shown rising up into the rafters. ‘kay. Sounds legit. Prosecutor sadmad, please call me a moron and threaten more insignificant reincarnations...

-

"It threatens to disrupt the karmic course of this case" You mean it's so bullshit that you're obviously going to lose, right? It's ok, you can just come right out and say it. Nobody will mock you.

-

huh. retinz just called sadmad ‘pretty boy’

gee whiz guess theyre gay for each other now. c’mon fandom work your magic.

-

I'm starting to really not know what the victim’s last rights actually are. could you be a lil more clear on that sadmad

-

“My OBJECTION.... is NOT FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!!!”

but it sure is for mine [snicker]

also gr8 excuse there, roger

-

“every industry has its own way of doing things, just as we in the legal profession focus exclusively on evidence and testimony’

really? for some reason i thought you were more interested in The Magic Pool and The Screams of the Condemned.

-

i can see theyre trying to write sadmad funny but its just not.... funny???

even with roger’s obnoxious persona i find him funnier. his texting sprite is hilarious. he just looks so fuckin pleased with himself.

-

Lang Zi says... Nahyuta needs a different schtick.

-

( well this numbskull has a thick skin, so there )

-holds back tears-

-

phoenix, drunkenly, from the gallery: DEAD PERSON... PUNISHING SOMEONE THROUGH A SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBER..? APOLLO GEDDOWN THE FUCKIN GHOS’S ARE COMING AAAHHH

-

“not bad for a shitty soap opera twist”

yeesh, that was a very sudden bout of self-loathing from the writers.

-

poor manov. somehow i feel more sad about his death than the entirety of the victims in DD (apart from Clay that is)

i mean he was just some magician tryna make it big.

-

(sigh) they tried to do the ‘are you high’ joke again and yet they still dont understand what made it funny in the first place.

-

“Strange are the karmic threads before me...”

is that Koorahneese for ‘shit, I'm losing!!’

-

NOW I FEEL EVEN WORSE FOR MANOV

-

i love when villains do that thing where it’s obviously fucking them and a jury would haul their ass to jail in 2 seconds but since it’s the bench trial system theyre like :3c I'm not admitting to anything! I just revealed something incriminating and suspicious as fuck but since my name isn’t carved into it you cant punish me~~~

im not being sarcastic either, at this point its just funny 

-

apollo: AHH, HOW DID YOU READ MY MIND?!

roger must have assistant’s blood in him; all of them can do it 

-

ohhhh. ohhh. i think. i see how he did it. if so, shit bro; that’s fucked up. but actually a pretty good sneaky murder method, with some pretty good foreshadowing that really stuck in my mind. 

Not bad, SOJ. Not bad at all.

-

‘do you think the audience will let you get away with the twins schtick twice in a row?’

alright writers, your self deprecation is making me a little uncomfortable now.

-

i like picturing manov’s soul sitting on he judge’s head.

“could you hurry it up? I'm tired of listening to butterfly over there banging on about last rights. i just wanna see retinz get his ass kicked.”

-

wait did i completely miss something 

what the fuck is with the random tuna boat joke

did i miss a reference to it before

is it a joke on turnabout: tuna-boat ??

-

hang on. is this a half-case? 

they did this in dual destinies with the two last ones. i guess they can’t fit five full cases into a game after all... for some reason.

-

i was right! well done. thats a well written twist. anyway, most importantly:

IM STILL CRYING OVER MANOV. HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS

-

as much as i appear to like ragging on these games, i really hope the rest of the cases are as good. 

-

sadmad: you f––

writers: [shake heads vigorously and make cut-throat motions]

sadmad: ..! ..uhh... [opens up a thesaurus] dim-witted... ignorant... imbecilic?

writers: [nod and sigh in relief]

sadmad: putrid red pepper. 

-

“just some good old fashioned logic”

oh look at that they just admitted the ‘rethinking the case” mechanic is just an off brand logic rip-off.

-

wow that was the most over-the-top prosecutor breakdown I've ever seen. how did that even work? physically, i mean

maybe the soul butterfly is getting its revenge

-

NOO!!! NOT VALANT!!!

also holy shit that was one helluva hallucination. I'd like to think Magnifi was responsible from beyond the grave for one last feat in dickery. 

-

Trucy’s absolutely right and murder is 99% never justified, but Magnifi is heavily implied to be a bag of dicks. 

-

“Wow trucy, i never knew that being the best could be so tough good for your dating life’

-

“do you think I'm a naive greenhorn?” “No, she's not...”

don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing, don't use the ‘smile in spite of everything’ thing––

Ff fffffuuuuck

god dAMNIT

what is japans obsession with smiling thru shitty times??? its, like, ok to cry when you feel down, you know? its admirable to be strong in times of distress but your worth isn't based solely on how well you can pretend not to feel like shit

why not present that quick-ass thinking she did to get around Bonny’s mistake? THAT is the mark of someone who’s ready to be on stage. somebody who’s ready for any eventuality; that’s the mark of a clever performer. she kept a cool head and let the show go on; thats impressive!!!

get this shoe-horned in shit outta my face.

-

alright alright... theyre trying to have an emotional moment between siblings. ill calm down... for now.

-

Apollo: You’ve really changed Edge––– eh h I mean, Nahyuta.

Nahyuta: fuck you. 

-

trucy: you don't like to talk about your past, do you? because you always change the subject!

apollo: its not so much that i don't like to talk about it as that it’s constantly being rewritte––– 

[shotgun cocking sound from capcom]

apollo: I-ITS PARTY TIME, ITS PARTY TIME, EVERYBODY’S GETTIN DOWN BECAUSE ITS PARTY TIME

-

phoenix: you're a full fledged lawyer, apollo

apollo: aww gee thanks

phoenix: do you know the definition of full-fledged, in the bird world

apollo: uh

phoenix: it means they fly the coop. leave the nest. go to a completely different country, shall we say

apollo: ah

phoenix: just putting that out there apropos of nothing.

-

PHOENIX TALK TO YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER. CHRIST. shit. sigh.

-

apollo is now fucking dead, and living up to the title “Spirit of Justice”

[kanralovesu]

Konosuba is Amazing and Here’s Why [First Episode Breakdown]

Its no secret that Konosuba is amazing, and if you’re just learning this now, literally stop whatever you’re doing and go watch all of season one. Its free on Crunchyroll. Do it. This post will cover pretty much all of episode 1 of Konosuba season 2. Free Crunchyroll users like myself just got it so watch that episode before reading this. Now, as they say in Brazil, LETS BREAK IT DOWN!

Konosuba derives almost all its comedy from one thing and one thing alone, and that is the subversion of expectations. Now, you probably already understand this considering Konosuba is a very obvious parody of the isekai genre (see Re:Zero or Sword Art Online if you’re not sure what I mean by this). While parodying isekai shows is one way Konosuba subverts your expectations, it by no means is the only way it does and we can see plenty of great examples in the episode. 

(Text Scroll) The first great use of this is in the Star Wars text roll. Not only does this instantly tell a new audience what kind of show this is, it also delivers an amazing joke. While Kazuma is rattling off his exposition about how amazing his journey is, the background shows a different story, almost always showing the exact opposite of what he’s describing. For Japanese viewers this joke is even better because you don’t have to read subtitles, and the scroll is in English so they’ll naturally ignore it and get the full extent of the funny recap. Again, what makes this so great is that it sums up the entire show for new viewers. This is a show about nerdy references and heroes who act all high and mighty but are really just idiots. This is the perfect introduction shot. 

(Phoenix Wright Reference) Note how when Konosuba uses a reference to another medium, they don’t just reference it directly. Instead, they take that thing you’re familiar with it and play with it to subvert your expectations. We expect a Star Wars text roll to be epic and world building, but instead we’re treated to something that wants to seem epic but really isn’t. Later, in the courtroom scene, we get more than a few Phoenix Wright references, but note how the titular “Objection!” is actually underplayed when Megumin does it. This subversion of expectations is actually less for comedy and more to show how weak our team is. The prosecutor is the one getting the awesome movement and motion lines, and when we see Megumin objecting, we expect to have the same result but aren’t given it. This isn’t sets off our brains and says “Yeah she doesn’t have a chance does she.”

(Kazuma gets Arrested) The second scene continues on this trend, but does it using the flaws of the characters. Its no secret from watching the first season that these characters are parodies on standard rpg tropes, each with their own quirk and fatal flaws, so I’m not going to bring that part of the scene up. What I really want to talk about is the new characters, the police women and the crowd (they act as a single character). For the police women, this scene is 100% set up for the next scene which I’ll get to later. For the crowd, however, we’re treated to some good old-fashioned expectation shattering. This is supposed to be the hero moment we’ve all seen in movies a thousand times, where the chanting starts and the crowd convinces the mean old government that our main character isn’t evil. Instead, we see them quickly cave under pressure, thus triggering a major shift in the direction of the scene. Whereas before, the individual jokes where themed around defending Kazuma, now they’re themed around pretending they don’t weren’t involved. Now, this by itself would be a funny joke, but what I think turned this into an amazing joke is how at the very end the crowd supported Kazuma in the trial, but only after he effectively won. A decent comedy writer makes a good job but a great one uses that joke to build to an even great one. When we see the crowd supporting Kazuma we realize just how fickle these people are and if we can’t laugh at that on its own they even throw in the part where the judge nails the main crowd guy in the face. This is the kind of instant karma, people loves viewing. 

(Combination Lock) So now we’re in the prison with one of the most memorable comedy moments in recent history. Of course I’m talking about the combination lock. So why did this joke stick in our heads? We take I’ll give you a hint: it has to do with expectations and breaking. Unpredictability is a must for breaking expectations and nothing in this episode caught me more off guard than the fact that a prison cell uses a combination lock. But that alone wouldn’t have been funny if it hadn’t been for the crazy good build up to the joke. We hear Aqua’s master plan for escape and as a view we of course expect it to be total bullshit, so when it actually makes sense we’re caught off guard. By the time Kazuma goes to unlock the door we’re like “Wait, this is actually going to work.” BAM It’s a combination lock. There is no way anyone could have expected it and so don’t you dare spoil this punchline to anyone. 

(Second Jail Scene and Why its Not as Good as First) Now the second iteration of this joke certainly wasn’t as good as the first but it still made you chuckle. The reason why its worse is because we can clearly see that this plan is doomed to fail the minute Aqua throws the saw in with Kazuma instead of using it herself. We’ve seen establishing shots of the jail cell so the fact that the window is too high is nothing new to us. The part that made this funny was Aqua thinking she could just convince the guards to give him the box, but that punchline pails in comparison to what we just saw and it does so because we already know Aqua is an idiot. We’re not surprised by the fact that she didn’t think this through. Its may be funny that she’s stupid, but it won’t have you rolling on the floor like last scene.

(Interrogation part 1) While I think the combination lock is the single best punchline in the episode, the interrogation scene is by far the funniest in my opinion. The base level comedy here is that because of the magic bell, Kazuma is being forced to admit he’s a real loser. The music in this beginning bit really sells it, at first being mysterious like a real interrogation, but cutting out during parts where Kazuma answers. This beginning bit also master’s the one-two knockout punch which is ironically the opposite of what I’ve been praising the show on so far. You see, the reason why Kazuma answering about why he fight the Demon King is so funny, is because we know he’s instantly going to lie. It’s a joke built on creating an expectation rather than breaking a preexisting one. This punchline also triggers a shift in the music to a more lighthearted joking tune. 

(Interrogation part 2) While that’s funny, it certainly isn’t Konosuba level funny. The shift in direction directly after that is what makes this scene amazing. The police women apologizes and admits she might be wrong about Kazuma. This enables him to take control of the scene and start acting like a big shot, something he does rather well. Now, I don’t know about you, but during this entire part of the scene I knew Kazuma was going to try and get her to say something that would use the bell of truth against her, and I thought that at least once they’d make the bell ring for her just to show the audience it could. They would then go on to subvert this soon after. What I did not at all expect was that the very first question Kazuma asks her would deflected so easily. Just to recap, just in that small scene, the writers had me create an expectation of what was about to happen and then shatter it immediately. This is bold as its really hard to guarantee that everyone was thinking the same thing I was, but it shows they really have trust in the intelligence of their fans. They know we picked up on the bell’s alternative use and they know what we think will happen. They don’t even need to show it to us because they know we know. This is frankly amazing and whoever wrote this should be proud. The good news is in case you didn’t get what Kazuma was going for they show the bell during the police women’s answer telling us through good direction what his intent was. Just like with the guy in the crowd, we then get immediate karma for Kazuma. The police women has shown herself to be superior in terms of character and proceeds to tell him about how everyone shits on him behind his back. All that remains is a little story and we’re off to the courtroom scene.

(Courtroom) This scene really isn’t as funny as the rest of the episode, but it serves a narrative purpose and has Darkness’ character moment at the end. Besides that, the scene gets by on a prolonged Phoenix Wright reference which also highlights how much of a shitty person Kazuma is. The ongoing joke is how flawed the court system is, which I’m sure would have been funnier to me if I had played a Phoenix Wright game. My friend always tells me about stupid shit they do like interviewing animals and accepting testimony from the victim through channeling. 

(Final Scene) The last scene is a fairly standard joke, but a great way to summarize this whole breaking expectations thing. This mainly plays with the trope of the adventurer opening a door to signify a new chapter is beginning, with the guards (cleverly placed in one of the last scenes by the way) breaking down the door instead. They seize all of the groups property, but more importantly they remind us what Kazuma was really doing when he was opening that door, not starting a life of adventure but returning to his comfortable mansion where he had tons of booze and other luxury items. So not only did they destroy your expectation that Kazuma was going to open the door, but they also reshaped how you viewed that whole thing. 

And so there you have it, a really fucking long paragraph of text about why Konosuba is amazing. I probably didn’t need to go as in depth as I did, but hey I already wrote it so I sure as hell am not turning back now! Plus, learning through example is a great thing. Hope that didn’t seem to repetitive, its just that they do use the same formula in almost every joke, and that’s not even a bad thing. Konosuba has mastered the formula for making you laugh and I can’t wait to see what the next season has in store for us!

TLDR: 

(Because this is so long I included markers for what scene I talk about where, so you can skip to a particular one you want to read about)

Konosuba uses the art of breaking expectations to deliver some of the best jokes in anime. When it uses a reference, it doesn’t just do what that reference does, it uses it as a basis to set the audience’s expectations and then subvert them. The first jail scene has one of the most memorable punchlines in recent memory and the reason for that is because of its brilliant buildup and the completely unexpected twist. The second jail scene doesn’t do as well because we already know Aqua’s stupid and so her acting stupid isn’t that funny. The interrogation scene is by far my favorite in this episode because of the massive shifts of control which are abused for comedy. Also, the scene not only creates and expectation but shatters it as well, which is bold considering you need your audience to all be on the same page. Then we get to the courtroom, which is just a long Phoenix Wright reference that gives Darkness a character moment. Finally, the show decides its going to subvert the hero walking through door cliche and its pretty funny. 

[eggheadsguidetorunning]

The Worse Movies I saw in 2018 Part I

I prefer to do this list a little late to get some of the worst movies that came out in December a chance for me to see and hate them, at least that is the excuse I’m using.

10. Ready Player One

               So, I am cheating a bit here because I mainly hated the book, but the movie wasn’t any good either. I guess the best way to compare the two is by comparing the amount of pandering they do. The movie multiplies the amount pandering by ten but then you divide it by a hundred because it has a bigger audience because of this the pandering is more bearable in the movie then it is in the book.

Another good way to show the differences is to show the differences is through well the actual changes from book to movie. One of the biggest changes are the challenges. The first challenge in the book is to make it through the tomb of horrors, which the main character does by himself at level 1. Then to beat the lich at the end of the tomb in a game of arcade Joust. The movie isn’t better but instead of basing the challenge in the movie around sucking the dick of nerd culture the first challenge is just well dumb. In the movie the main character needs to drive backwards to win a race. Now consider that video games have people who test them for a living to make sure these games work there is a huge group of people who the first thing they do when they play a game is see if they can go backwards just to test the game. By the way in the movie it took someone seven years to solve this puzzle too.

               It may be silly to contain a movie on my top 10 worst movies I saw simply because the book was bad but screw it this is my list, and Ready Player One the movie is mediocre in comparison to the shitty book but it’s still a bad movie.

9. Jurassic World Lost Kingdom

               Originally, I wasn’t planning on putting this movie on the list since it’s easy to pick on movie that is designed to be a corporate sell out. Then realized there would be a bunch of movies I would have to remove from this list on that philosophy, so decide this movie deserves a spot here. Spielberg should be laughing at the fact that someone managed to make a Jurassic Park movie worse than Lost World. A Jurassic Park movie in which the good guys justify letting loose a bunch of ferocious dinosaurs on society because the dinosaurs have a right to live too. Just forget the fact that they will massacre a huge number of people who also have the right to live. How do we know the dino’s have a right to live? Well because the girl who is a genetic clone sees herself in them because the dinosaurs are also clones. Like they aren’t trying to even hide that the reason why they can’t kill the dinosaurs is because they need to make sequels.

               The bad guys are super irredeemably stupid and of course they then die in humiliating ways, and I can’t honestly believe that some of them don’t see their death coming. In what must be the dumbest black-market auction idea ever the bad guys have a bunch of villainous people come over to their mansion in which the murderous dinosaurs are stored to be sold to these people. Like hey guys come over to my mansion full of killer dinosaurs we will a party while we sell them to you. I think if they thought about it there was a safer way to do this sale of killer dinosaurs. I don’t know maybe they could have done it all online like most black-market sales do?

And who still thinks the Weyland Yutani idea of owning the most highly evolved killing machine, that is uncontrollable, is smart idea and while I’m at it who thinks Umbrella Corp ideas are any good as well. Well I invite you to go dumber than them. See, while these two evil corporations that constantly make or try to control evil and super strong next phase of evolution kill everything virus, aliens, or monster then try to make these things into weapons and somehow don’t see how this could bite them in the ass. They are at least super corporation and using that structure of a giant corporation to contain their abominations. In Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom a dude decides to make a super raptor in his mansion and sell it. This ends badly and nobody in the audience will ever be surprised by this ending badly even the kids know this is a bad idea. Don’t watch this movie you have already seen this movie done better.

8. Death Wish (2018)

               Bruce Willis is the only good part about this movie, but of course he isn’t the only part of the movie and he isn’t even always great in it. This was may be the most confusing movie I saw this year not because it was a hard plot to follow but because I don’t know why this movie exist or what it was trying to accomplish. Why did they decide to remake Death Wish? Was there supposed to be some sort of political statement was there not supposed to be political commentary? Was this supposed to be high drama or high action movie? What was the point of this movie why does it exist, I just don’t understand! It felt like the director was unsure of his own wok, but at the same time he seemed overly confidant in his poor choices in making this movie.

When you remake a movie that was beloved in its time you should be trying to improve the original concept or give it a different outlook. This movie is just a worse version of Death Wish and doesn’t really do anything interesting. In fact, I wonder why this movie had to be a Death Wish remake or even have the same title as Death Wish. I would enjoy this movie more if it was Die Hard 6 or something instead. That would be so much easier to justify and maybe even make it easier for it to be more fun and stupid. As it stands this movie was a boring mess. I really don’t have much more to say than that.

7.Truth or Dare

                I actually love this movie which is why it isn’t higher on the list. There is nothing scary about this scary movie and the attempts they make to scare you are only made funnier by their horrible filter Instagram face effects. I really want to know who saw that effect and said yeah that’s creepy make a movie about it. I want that person to make more “horror” movies.

               What’ better than the horrible effects is when this movie write itself into a corner and then tries to somehow miraculously get out of it without any though on how this miracle comprise the movie. Like how a character will be dared to kill the main character because I don’t know, no reasons given, so for the main character live some side character jumps, or stumbles, in front of the gun and gets shot instead. Then because character with a gun failed to shoot the main character she instantly gets possessed and kills herself.

Yes, she gets possessed you read that right. What, I failed to mention is that the reason any of this happens is because a demon possessed a game of truth or dare and will force people to play. Don’t play you die fail the dare or don’t tell the truth and you die. To make matters worse some genius thought the game would be more fun if there were moments when you were forced to take a dare, so now sometimes someone has to choose dare instead of truth.

To make matters worse (or from my personal view better) near the end of the movie they are about to exercise the demon, and someone choose to take a dare and then refuse to do the dare. This should mean game is over since now the demon has to kill this person and let the exorcism be completed. Thus, say the rules the demon has followed. What happens, and spoilers by the way, is the demon possess the guy who didn’t take the dare and leaps the person needed for the exorcism and then kills the mcguffin character and finally kills the person who refused the dare, thus the demon breaks his own rules. Now consider the scenario above in which a person is dared to kill the main character and fails so the demon takes over and kills the person failed the dare. Now the question is raised if the demon wanted to kill the main character then why should the demon have not just shot the main character then the person who failed the dare? There was nothing stopping the demon from doing this. In conclusion, this a really poorly written movie and its only number seven because it is a funny poorly written movie.

6. Clover Field Paradox

               I feel everyone forgot about this movie because of Bright, but I didn’t forget, and I didn’t watch Bright. So, let’s have a movie with an almost cosmic horror-set up but then do nothing with this build-up of humanity seeking for knowledge that we shouldn’t have. Then let’s have a Hadron Collider make a tear in dimensions to release a bunch of nightmarish monsters that we never get to see until the very end of the movie. Don’t worry though, to make things interesting we will have the crew just jump to a different reality through the tear, but instead of going somewhere interesting we have them simply go to an almost completely similar reality except they failed to get the Hadron Collider to work. We could have them go literally anywhere else the possibilities are endless, but no. At one point though the movie even seems to try to do something cool by doing some crazy Event Horizon shit. By having the ship seem to be attacking the crew but instead of focusing on this the movie just kind of forgets about this. Also, there is no reason for the ship attacking and killing the crew.

The main villain, in fact, ends up being a crew member from the alternate dimension not an alien or cool monster just some lady with a gun she arguably shouldn’t have. This is because this movie isn’t about cool sci-fi monster but is about a poor political subtext on the doom of humanity if we cannot work together to get a better fuel resource and we end up running out of gas. That subtext is the main conflict for the whole movie. Why are we up in space? Because gas. Why did the alternative dimension team fail? Because wars over gas. Why are there monster in Cloverfield? Because Hadron Collider.

The balls of this movie to have such freedom to do such an interesting thing with dimension hopping in space and monsters from another dimension, yet what they decide to do is the most boring thing they could have done with this set up. When they decide to through in a tie in to the Cloverfield monsters at the end of the movie and using one line at the beginning of the movie to justify this it becomes obvious that this movie is just lazy. Welcome to this list Cloverfield Paradox. Hopefully, you ended this Cloverfield movie franchise thing, so we don’t get something worse from Cloverfield later.

5.The Darkest Minds

               Hahahahahahahahahahahah. This movie is great. It’s the ultimate young adult (YA) cash grab movie of the year. It even has a sorting system like Harry Potter, but that sorting system is allegory for racism and involves mutant kids in concentration camps. You know all the things YA novels need… right? These mutant kids are like x-men mutants, but more boring because they all kind of have the same powers. One group of kids is super smart, another use electricity and a third group control’s the world. References to Harry Potter and Star Wars are also used to help the audience know that the directors/characters are hip to current pop culture. As well as there being a forced romantic relationship between a girl whose only personality trait is that she lacks self-esteem and a guy who is kind of, but not really, edgy. Fuck, this movie even has a shopping montage in it.

               We need go back a bit and tackle one of the dumber points. I earlier mentioned how you would get a house assigning thing applied to you but instead of a sorting hat this sorting method gives you a color and is supposed to be allegory to racism, thus it being a color. To explain how this system works you would be assigned a color based on your super power so if you were super smart you would be green for example. They would then sort you in the not concentration camp (but its totally a concentration camp) by your color. Allegory is ham fisted here but it at least works. Once you get outside the concentration camp everyone will call you a green or ask what your color is, and you will answer that it is green. Now this could be allegory for how racial discrimination can come to define others, and how labels that are given never truly go away. Unfortunately, that’s not how the movie handles it. The movie seems to look at it like kids would say I’m a green just like they would say I’m a Ravenclaw, I’m a member of district 9, I’m part of the Athena’s house, or I’m whatever Divergent was. So, this allegory for racism is also supposed to be like house sorting in the positive pop culture connotation. Which is idiotic because those two things don’t really mesh, and it feels like the movie wants to have its cake and eat it too.

Then again this could also be commentary on how schools label the gifted and thus limit them, but it runs it the same problem of the kids labeling themselves and embrace the labels even when they have the freedom not to.

  ��            Not to mention all the hammy acting plot lines that disappear or go nowhere. The fact that a 17-year-old girl kills a woman in a horrifying fashion but that is fine because the woman who was killed was evil. There is also a final fight that is so over the top stupid it bounces back to being kind of cool.

Despite this being a bad movie I suggest watching it with a lot of friends and a lot of alcohol.