#ace of hearts alloromantic asexuality

[traceyshortfilm]

Hello all! Thank you for your patience and support on this podcast! If you haven't already, please read this Instagram post <3

In today's episode, I'll be recounting a sweet love story submission from an alloromantic ace couple! Thank you Skye & Cloud for sending in your story!

[thetisming]

Todd is the kind of guy to play go fish and say 'ohohoho, ace of hearts, you say?' whenever he gets an ace of hearts. and then someone he's playing with says 'do you have an ace?' and he's like 'WHAT? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?' completely genuinely

[nanaarii]

Can we kiss in bed, without it leading to sex?

[theeviltriplet-fromao3]

Yk I kinda regret calling it Ace of Hearts. Not that I think it’s a bad name, just that there’s better.

Especially since “Ace of Hearts” is much more suited for alloace

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

In My Dreams

romcom novella

when the nature reserve she works at goes into lockdown due to dangerous fugitives in the area, an ace woman is stuck for two weeks with the childhood friend she was in love with as a teenager

[thalfbloodloser]

i wish we had alloaro representation in media. a charming character who fucks - both literally AND aesthetically. one that makes other characters go "wow! they're so cool and good in bed, but ultimately un-datable, because as soon as they sense any romantic intention on you, they flee" (kinda like lucifer morningstar from "lucifer". he's aroallo in my heart)

a character who's funny and has a horrifyingly 80's sense of fashion (they have a curly combed-out mullet and mismatched earrings. you'll find them at pride wearing a corn costume because it "matches the aroallo flag" and they're "being subtle") or one who's the embodiment of a 60's greaser (their motorcycle helmet is themed after the aro flag and the back of their leather jacket says "LOVELESS / LOVE LOSES") or one who's a girly fanfiction writer that has more ships than a star wars movie (their fics are muntifandom-ly famous and most their stuff is covered in yaoi/yuri patches and stickers. everyone thinks they're a hopeless romantic because of it, but that's exactly why they're so big on the fiction ≠ reality discourse) or...

anyone else, really. just ultimately a HUMAN who's casually aromantic. one who doesn't make it a parade but isn't subtle about it, either. will they hold other character's hands? maybe. kiss their cheek? perhaps. hang out with them, on picnics and walks along the river? can't see why not! but platonically. or maybe have them be genuinely romance-repulsed & not so eager to participate in anything socially perceived as romantic. that would also be amazing.

let them express themselves sexually! let them fuck. give them a..."fuckbuddy", if you must. or a best friend who's sexually involved with them - classic romcom material, i know - but without it being "complicated"; because there's no romance involved to complicate it.

give them funny scenes. another character tries to kiss their lips or ask them on a date? they laugh nervously, the scene cuts and we get a hilarious shot of them escaping through the bathroom window. or audibly saying "ew" and then regretting it. another character is struggling to write a romcom/romance book without it being corny? we get a scene where our character casually describes the most romantical (and, to them, unappealing) plot ever - because, much like aces acing the smut department, they're far from misunderstanding what is or isn't heartstopping for alloromantics - only to have the other character stare at them like "?????????? HELLO????". give us a scene of them being confused as to why their hookup is yelling at them for acting "so casual" and responding with a quotable shitty line ("just because we had sex last night i can't call you "bro"? / "what? expected me to marry you or something? get off my bed, it's 9AM" / "would you rather have me mad? sad? what's happening here. give me a hint")

but give them complicated scenes too. scenes portraying the loneliness that comes with being aromantic but not asexual, the lack of community. them talking about how hard it is to maintain sexual relationships just sexual. the painful "breakups" because one of their friends declared their undying love for them but they cannot possibly match that energy, even if they wanted to. have them weep because somehow that keeps happening. the unfairness in being accused of heartlessness and selfishness by other queers. the shame on being told they're fetishistic and the reason why queer men/women/people are seen as sex-crazed or impure.

...anyways, i'm rambling- do y'all have any aroallo ocs? or ideas for alloaro characters? maybe aroallo headcanons? i'd love to know what you think! :)

(don't tag as #ace / #asexual / #asexuality)

[merely-a-caricature]

There are various symbols that we in the ace community are familiar with like ace rings and cake. But there’s an interesting one I don’t see talked about very often. I would like to take the time today to talk about a lesser known symbol, ace cards.

What are ace cards? Well, they’re a way to identify different aces. The meanings of the different suits are as follows:

Ace of Spades ♠️ = Aromantic Asexuals

Ace of Hearts ❤️ = Alloromantic/Romantic Asexuals

Ace of Diamonds ♦️ = Demiromantic Asexuals and demisexuals

Ace of Clubs ♣️ = Greyromantic Asexual or Greysexual

I will probably make some other posts on other ace (and maybe aro) symbols as well, so be on the lookout for those!

[stabbydragon]

Ace pride idea

You know that game headbands where you wear one of these headbands, put a card in it, and you have to guess what the card is?

And you know that thing where an Ace of Spades is for aromantic asexuals, Ace of Hearts is for alloromantic asexuals, Ace of Clubs is for demisexuals or demiro aces, and Ace of Diamonds is for graysexuals (graces) and greyro aces?

Well next June, I’m going to buy one of those headbands and stick and ace of spades in it and just wear it everywhere

[jrhartauthor]

When it comes to writing contemporary romance, there are certain expectations that readers may have:

A happily ever after or happy for now ending (HEA or HFN)

Chemistry between the main character and love interest

Intimacy

But when it comes to the last point, it’s high time to recognize that intimacy comes in different forms. For one, not every book needs on-page sexual intimacy. Many writers choose a closed-door sex scene, or to have their characters go as far as kissing and stop short of anything past that. But as LGBTQ+ representation in fiction grows, and we start to see more asexual and aromantic rep in stories, it may not just be about what an author wants to share on the page, but also about what a character feels comfortable with doing with their partner.

When it comes to writing characters under the ace and aro umbrellas, it’s important to know that these identities aren’t a monolith. Some asexual characters are sex-repulsed. Some enjoy sex in the right circumstances. Some enjoy sex under all circumstances. Asexual simply means “does not experience sexual attraction.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the character doesn’t want to have sex. Similarly, asexual characters may have an identity anywhere along the ace spectrum. A character could be asexual, gray asexual, demisexual… the list goes on.

Aromantic characters could want a queerplatonic partnership. Some aromantic characters may be okay with a relationship where their partner is alloromantic, and experiences and shares romantic feelings toward them, even if they don’t share those feelings in return, and that’s okay too.

When writing your character, taking time to research their specific identity and make sure that you’re writing it authentically is a huge help. Spend time learning about the terms used within the ace and aro communities, and what your character might feel, think, and understand of sexuality and romance.

As I wrote The Heartbreak Handshake, I honestly wondered whether or not readers would be okay with an contemporary romance with hugging as the peak of physical intimacy in the story. While the series it is a part of—the Clover Hill Romance series—ranges from no sex on page to open-door fully descriptive sex, and I knew there was a place for it in the series itself, having space in a series and space in readers’ hearts is a very different thing.

It turns out a lot of my fears were unfounded. The reality is, pushing your character outside of their comfort zone will bother a reader far more than writing something they may feel is “tame” by comparison to other stories. And if they’re not a fan of where your character (and you) draw the line? They may not be your target audience!

Regardless of if you’re writing the spiciest of spice allo romance, or an asexual one, using inclusive language is incredibly important. In the same way that you wouldn’t want to say “my friend Taz likes both genders,” (if Taz likes men and women, you can say men and women without dismissing that other genders exist), using inclusive language when it comes to asexuality and aromanticism can be helpful too. Check out the difference between these two ways of phrasing things:

“After spending so much time with her, my hope is that one day, we’ll be more than friends.”

“After spending so much time with my best friend, my hope is that she’ll feel the same spark I do.”

Both of these sentences imply that two people are on the cusp of a potential relationship, and that maybe they’ve been friends in the past with a possibility the relationship may shift in the future. Now take this example into consideration.

“Judging by the way they both acted, I got the impression they were more than friends.”

“Judging by the way they both acted, I got the impression they were definitely into each other.”

Again, both sentences convey the same basic meaning. But once again, one conveys that being friends is “less than” being in a romantic or sexual relationship. This isn’t true! And for many, a friendship is equally (or more) desirable.

All it takes is a little shifting of your language to make it more inclusive, and make sure that you’re putting romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships on equal footing.

If you’re not asexual or aromantic, writing a character that is can be hard. After all, there are tons of misconceptions about asexual and aromantic people. Hiring a sensitivity reader within this community—especially if they share your character’s exact identity—can help you ensure the most accurate portrayal possible. Even if you are ace or aro, the reality is, different ace and aro people have different experiences, and getting a second perspective (or third! Or fourth!) can help you flesh out your character more realistically. Lived experience when writing will almost always be better than writing a character you don’t share an identity with, especially if that identity is a margilized one—like another race, sexuality, or gender identity. Keeping that in mind as you write can help you pick your character and what you’re writing to begin with.

No one will ever argue that beta reading isn’t difficult or time consuming, but unlike beta reading, sensitivity reading places a special burden on the reader, often on a marginalized reader. Sensitivity reads are often reserved for reading a specific racial, sexual, gender, cultural, or disabled identity, and this can put a huge emotional or mental drain on a sensitivity reader. As a result, sensitivity reading should be paid work whenever possible. That said, if a sensitivity reader is up for a work or goods exchange, by all means, that’s an option too. Just remember that a sensitivity read requires a very different skillset and level of effort than beta reading or editing, and should be compensated accordingly.

You don’t have to skirt around your characters’ identity in writing. Often, sharing character identity actually helps a reader find what they’re looking for, both as you write and as you market your work as a writer. Being unapologetic about your characters’ ace or aro identity can help you find the readers your book is after.

Understanding Asexuality-The Trevor Project The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)* Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation-UNC Chapel Hill’s LGBTQ Center 5 Asexuals Explain what Asexuality Means to Them-Tinder (Video) 4 Demisexual People Explain what Demisexuality Means to Them-Tinder (Video) r/Asexuality and r/Aromantic on Reddit (Additional identities linked in Reddit Sidebars)** What it Means to be Aromantic-VeryWellMind Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA)

*Please note: AVEN’s forums have sometimes been problematic. Your mileage may vary. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Reddit can often be problematic, especially outside of LGBTQ+ subreddits, but also within them. Viewer discretion is advised.

Please note Amazon links are affiliate links

The Heartbreak Handshake (cis m/nonbinary)

Goodreads | Amazon

Clover Hill Romance Series website | Goodreads | Amazon

Sex-repulsed asexual MC, nonbinary MC, autistic MC with sensory aversion to sexual intimacy, MC with ADHD

Content warnings: real-life aviation disasters resulting in death, autistic character faces unkindness for being autistic, referenced ace-phobia

Paxton McKee, Clover Hill’s rideshare driver and handyman, is known by his customers as responsible, dependable, and loyal. On first dates, though, he’s known by another word: boring. His dates never seem to appreciate his in-depth knowledge of famous aviation disasters or his LEGO expertise. His book club buddy, Mrs. Sawyer, keeps trying to set him up. But after so many failed dates, Paxton’s given up on finding someone who can accept him, special interests, stims, and all.

Hand-crafter Remi Sawyer put Clover Hill in their rear-view mirror to sell at craft fairs across the country. But being a traveling artisan is harder than Remi thought. With mounting bills, they’ve ended up back home. Being in their old teenage bedroom is weird. Even weirder, their mother keeps trying to set them up on dates, even after they’ve made it clear the homecoming is temporary.

To get Mrs. Sawyer off their backs, Paxton and Remi agree on a scheme: they’ll go on three dates. When it’s over, Paxton can pretend to be heartbroken, and Remi can get back on the road. They even shake on it. But awkward dates lead to the realization the two have a lot in common. Kissing is gross? Check. Spending quiet time doing projects together is enjoyable? Double check.

But Remi is still hell-bent on leaving Clover Hill again, and Paxton is dead-set on staying. Can they find a new vision that doesn’t involve Remi leaving their kindred spirit behind, or are they both destined to lose the person who might be their perfect companion?

–

Go Truck Yourself (cis f/nonbinary)

Coming Soon

Clover Hill Romance Series website | Goodreads | Amazon

Aromantic MC, nonbinary MC, Asexual MC, bi/panromantic MC, single parent MC, autistic child side character

Content warnings: attempted business sabotage, mentions of absentee parents, brief mention of a parent’s sobriety/rehab, brief mention of a deceased parent, mention of the death of a sperm donor/family member, minors using curse words, family member with dementia, mention of foreign exchange study programs in a positive light, mentions of travel social media and modern colonization

Between being a single parent and running a successful food truck, Myla Horan has no room for drama in her life. She's got her nose to the grindstone to make Tasteful Noods a successful noodle business year-round. But when her friend-turned-rival Zo comes back to town, they start to squeeze into her prime Clover Hill locations… and her profit margins.

After Zo moves back to town to care for their ailing uncle and starts a business of their own, they’re not surprised that Myla’s Tasteful Noods are faring better than their tiny food trailer, You're My Jam. After all, driven Myla can do anything she sets her mind to. Unfortunately, it also means all of the animosity they ended things with has resurfaced.

When Myla and Zo agree there's only room in Clover Hill for one of them, they make a deal: whoever loses the First Annual Clover Hill Food Truck Frenzy shuts down their truck. Forever.

But will serious sabotage leave them both truckless for the competition and threaten both of their chances at victory? Or will they work together as an unexpected dream team and find out they’re better as partners than rivals after all?

–

Getting Off (cis m/cis m)

Goodreads | Amazon | NineStar Press Website

Demisexual MC, biromantic/bisexual MC, gay MC

Content warnings: homophobia, homophobic slurs, bi-erasure, biphobia, sexual assault (on page), forced outing

JJ is certain he’s got everything figured out. He’s straight, right? He’s just not into the hookup culture prevalent on his college soccer team. But he’s trying to hide that to avoid getting on his team captain’s bad side.

Kade is anything but straight. Out and proud, he’s curious about how the “other half” lives… even as his best friends remind him there’s more to the LGBTQ+ community than just the “G.” Curious, Kade texts JJ a simple question: do straight guys ever get off together?

When JJ’s reply leads to a head-spinning sexual spark, he starts questioning everything he knows about his sexuality, both in terms of who he’s attracted to, and also why hookups have never been his thing. But when JJ endures trauma that confuses him more, he starts pushing Kade away. Kade has to learn how to be a supportive friend, and more than that, a supportive partner, or risk losing JJ altogether. And JJ? He has to fight for his team to be team players, even when they suspect he’s “playing for the other team.”

Please note: I haven’t read every book on the above lists, and cannot vouch for them. My inclusion of these lists here is not a recommendation of these books specifically, but instead an indication they exist.

LGBTQReads List of Books by Romantic/Sexual Orientation from @lgbtqreads

EpicREADS list of 23 YA Books with Asexual Representation from @epicreads

QueerBooksforTeens list of books with Aromantic Characters

QueerBooksforTeens list of books with Asexual Characters

Buzzfeed’s list of 17 Books about Asexual and Aromantic Validation from @buzzfeedbooks (cc: @buzzfeedlgbt)

Did you find this post helpful? Consider buying me a Ko-Fi!

[eleiyaumei]

Rambling about aro, ace, aroace, demi Sesshōmaru

romantic attraction =/= sexual attraction, aromanticism =/= asexuality

For most people, their romantic identity matches their sexual identity (e.g. aroace, gay, straight, bi) but that doesn’t mean that they are the same. Alloromantic asexual people and aromantic allosexual people might be the best examples for this but it’s also possible to be heterosexual and panromantic.

As far as I know, alloromantic allosexual Sesshōmaru is the most common representation of him in fan works which makes sense because most people on the planet identify that way.

In regards to “proof” that Sesshōmaru might be one identity or another, in my judgement, there is none, neither in manga nor anime – not even in YH, which I do not include in this because for me, it is not canon. There are several instances where Sesshōmaru’s kind of feelings are ambiguous, especially in the case of Kagura, but none show explicitly that he feels romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. (If you disagree, feel free to let me know!)

So, in accordance with the “lack of proof on sexual and romantic attraction”, I interpret Sesshōmaru to be aroace. But this is influenced by me being ace and thinking in the pattern “asexual until proven allosexual”. Similarly, alloromantic allosexual people might think “allo/allo until proven otherwise” and see Sesshōmaru that way until he says something like “I am not interested in romance and/or sex” and that’s valid as well.

But 1) we can’t look inside his brain, heart or body and determine what he experiences

and 2) we as fans can headcanon him as whatever identity we like.

(I personally separate interpretation from headcanon for interpretation to mean “something that can be supported by the text” and for headcanon to mean “whatever someone imagines – whether supported by the text or not”.)

Interpreting or HCing Sesshōmaru as demisexual and/or demiromantic seems to be the best compromise for a lot of people, allo and aro-/ace-specs alike. Like, he ‘is’ asexual/aromantic until he forms a deep bond with someone and he then ‘becomes’ allo.

Demisexual/-romantic people, please tell me what you think of that wording because I’m not a fan of it. It reminds me of things allo people tell a-spec people, the whole “You just have to find the right person”, or of what supporters of Purity Culture want people to be like: Abstaining from sex, sexual thoughts, fantasies etc. until you marry and then having sex regularly to reproduce, pleasing your partner etc.

I’m also not fond of the wording of the common definition of demisexuality/-romanticism: “Experiencing sexual/romantic attraction after developing a strong emotional bond with someone” because it can make it seem like you automatically experience these attractions once you formed said bond when I don’t think that’s the case for most demi people.

I prefer the definition that I heard from a demi person (Christi Kerr), in the vein of “rarely experiencing sexual/romantic attraction and when you do, it’s towards someone you developed a strong emotional bond with”. [Source]

Demisexuality and -romanticism aren’t experienced in a monolithic way. Some might develop sexual/romantic attraction to every person they bond with emotionally, some might predict a possibility that they will develop attraction once they get close to a specific person and some might get close to people (with the hope/assumption that they’ll develop attraction) only to realize that they still don’t feel attraction towards them.

(As an asexual person who only experiences sexual attraction towards 1 fictional character, I’m pretty jealous of the first two groups. Like, “It’s THAT easy for you guys? GREAT. Wish that were me.” But I know that no experience is “easy”, people can still deal with unreciprocated feelings/attraction, fleeting attraction, and many other struggles.)

What worries me about people HCing Sesshomaru as demisexual/-romantic is the potential that some allo people only use that HC to fetishize/project their own fantasies onto the real identities of demisexuality/-romanticism. Like, they might accept the aro/ace parts only because he does experience attraction towards them/their OC(s)/the person(s) they’re shipping him with (and attraction is kinda a must-have in romance/smut works) and because it gives them a sense of relationship security, fewer reasons to get jealous towards people he’s interacting with.

But I have to be fair and acknowledge that people can separate fact from fiction and can see their fantasies as such. Though, I must admit, I’m pretty pessimistic about that since the spectrums of asexuality and aromanticism are not common knowledge and a lot of misconceptions are roaming about...

[traceyshortfilm]

EPISODE 2 of Ace of Hearts: A Podcast for Alloromantic Asexuals is out NOW!! Find your listening platform here 💖

What would my caveman name be? 🗿

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

looking for: advice, help figuring out how to reconcile my feelings

tws: queer infighting (sort of?) acephobia mentions, arophobia

So, i've been struggling with this for a while now. I'll start by saying I am extremely pro my ace family and ace rights, I understand the type of persecution they face and it's horrible. None of what I'm dealing with from the asexual community is convincing me that asexuality is bad or asexuals have bad intent inherently.

I am aromantic and bisexual (not asexual), and I've faced a lot of flack from alloromantic and allosexual people for being bisexual and aro. You know, the idea that I'm just using people for their bodies and stuff. So that's really tiresome and frustrating, even the little things like "oh you're aro, you're not physically attracted to people?". Ignorance stings even if it's not malicious.

So I obviously take great comfort in the aro community. And the aro community is very connected to the ace community. Which I have no problem with! I have had a lot of trouble finding aro people who aren't ace, which is isolating and difficult.

So here's the main problem. I've faced a lot of hate and microaggressions from aro ace people and alloromantic ace people. Ace people either refusing to count alloaro people as a demographic, or acting like anyone who's aro must be ace. The worst for me is when they talk about specifically ace things and add aro in like it's just a descriptor. I'm writing this and my heart is aching bc I'm being lumped in with a group of people who aren't me!!! They're a lovely group of people but it's the same feeling of being misgendered. I can't pick a fight with everyone who does this, and if I express my frustrating with how I've been treated it's very easy for people to just label me as acephobic (which would be a horrible thing to be!!! except I'm not, I'm very clearly stating that some ace people are being bigots towards alloaro people).

I don't know how to reconcile my love and support of the ace community with the intense amount of persecution I've faced by many people in that community.

I know in my head that I can be angry at arophobic aces, but if I try to talk about it, and even in my emotions, it's so hard.

Hi anon, 

I’m so sorry this has been impacting you in such a painful way - I deeply sympathize because though I’m aspec myself, I am not aro, so I found myself nodding along to several points you made along the way in your post when trying to navigate the community where I’ve also mainly stumbled on people who identify with both.

At the end of the day it is a spectrum - well all sexuality is - but there is a wide coverage here, and unfortunately with not enough resources, representation and education about the asexuality spectrum many of us get lumped together in not only ignorant ways, but painful and even abusive ones, too.  All that being said, at the end of the day, there is a huge difference between making bigoted commentary about a group of people, and responding to commentary about a group of people that includes you (and I’m very sorry to hear that some people mislabeled your advocacy of what is said to you and/or how you are spoken to/about as being automatically aphobic).

Of course we cannot argue with everyone we come across, but it’s equally valid to want to be surrounded by people who do not make negative commentary about your romantic orientation, even if it’s from a place of ignorance versus say active harassment - if it hurts, it hurts, and you deserve a community where you can just be without the commentary based on false assumptions and aphobia (which I can appreciate might feel hard, when over 80% of aroromantics in this study have “reported not being taken seriously, being ignored, or being dismissed by others.”)

In regards to how to respond where it doesn’t feel hard, it might simply come down to a practice of one step at a time (and potentially looking into boundary scripts and how to respond to aphobia & bigotry resources) - but I believe it’s equally important to find a community of people you can just be with.  No one has the right to decide who belongs in public, shared spaces, so I don’t mean to suggest shrinking yourself into a box - but finding other people you can share with and who “get it” can be incredibly validating too as you navigate bigger spaces along your journey.  The AUREA website has both online resources, as well as in person groups, and here’s a reddit forum that might at least be able to help you find some online communities across various social media platforms?

Regardless of what happens next, you deserve to be embraced for who you are, as you are, and I hope you find a community that roots for you.

Mod Kat

[the-ace-lesbians]

(Warning for potentially TMI, you don't have to read or answer if you don't want!)

Hi, so I (18F) have been identifying as aroace for about two years but I'm starting to wonder if my feelings towards other women are just platonic or if I may be an ace lesbian.

I really liked some of my friends in high school but I don't know if it's a crush because I didn't think about them constantly and it kind of faded whenever I didn't see them for a long time (like over COVID and summer vacation). When I try to think about if I've had crushes, there are no really obvious answers but there are a few people that are kind of in this weird blurry area of, "I never thought of this as a crush at the time but looking back I was kind of weird about her and really wanted her to like me so maybe???" Since I was like 13 or 14 I really liked reading or writing stories about girls in a relationship and even daydreaming that I was one of the characters in the story dating another girl, but I never fantasized about it with real people.

Another hangup is, is it romantic attraction even if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of marrying someone? I don't know if I just have weird feelings about marriage from living with a conservative family that has very strict rules for how married life is supposed to go, or if I genuinely am just not romantically interested.

Like, I like looking at other girls and would love to cuddle with one, and I think I would probably love to love and be loved in a romantic way, but thinking about marriage as the end goal makes it all turn sour. It's less, "I want to settle down and get married and live together" and more "I admire you, I wish I was as strong as you, I want you to tell me about your day, I want to rest my head in your lap while we watch a movie, maybe I want to kiss, and if you called me your girlfriend I think I'd be flustered in a happy way but marriage scares the shit out of me."

So I guess for aces it's a question as old as time: I think I like girls, but does it sound like "I just think they're neat" or "I think I spilled my heart on your shoes, oops"?

I love love, and I love talking about love, romantic or not, so I think I have some good thoughts here for you, anon! I'll put it all undercut to save the people my endless ramblings haha.

Just going top to bottom here, I'll try and answer some questions and give some general thoughts! I am an alloromantic asexual lesbian myself, so if any arospecs read this and disagree or have corrections, please reply to this!

As far as I understand crushes, anon, they don't have to be constantly having romantic feelings about people, or even really recognizing the feelings you have as romantic - romantic attraction is hard to nail down because of how wishy washy and different it can feel and be for everyone. For me, I'd see romantic attraction in myself as the want to have and receive romantic intent with physical interactions, and to be perceived as a romantic couple with my partner by others; Basically, when I kiss a partner, or we go into public together, I want to do it with the intent of being in a romantic relationship.

But, of course, identifying that want is so hard as is. I look back and realize that my obsession and love of certain people's friendship, including feeling jealous when they were with others and not me, wasn't just me being a 'weird kid' but me having a crush on them. I've rarely ever felt the 'butterflies' feeling, or thought about getting married to anyone - actually, the only time I've considered 'marrying a crush' was a comphet crush (The idea of getting married to him CRUSHED me and I didn't know why).

Even at 22, I'm sitting here and I'm pretty sure I have a crush on a friend of mine, we're talking with romantic intentions in mind, and I literally will sometimes find myself forgetting what I was saying when I look at their face or they flirt with me. And yet, I'm still confused because I don't have all those stereotypical 'fluffy sparkly love' feelings.

I will say, I feel as though the media we create and consume shows a lot about our internal desires and wants - obviously there's a nuance to this, but the things we make and consume says a lot about who we are, so I will say that actively making or consuming media about sapphic relationships might tell us what you want or what your brain enjoys, even if you aren't focusing yourself in those situations.

Discussions of sex/asexuality as a comparison to this: Personally, as an asexual, I've never really had fantasies about sex or even intimate situations that involve me, those make me feel uncomfortable and gross, or I just can't actually imagine myself in them at all - unrelated, I can't even consume content that has real people, or even characters played by actors (like, in fics). I find that having a barrier between 'me' and the 'enjoyment' of whatever I'm consuming is what lets my brain understand it and enjoy it. This could be similar here, just with romance; I don't want to have sex, I don't feel sexual attraction, but using a 'third-party' (for lack of a better term) can let me understand and consume the content and scratch some part of my brain.

As far as marrying someone goes, I can completely see where that can be scary or confusing, especially if you come from a conservative background (my deepest sympathies, and I hope you're in a better place, or soon to be). Plenty of alloromantic people don't want to get married, but do have romantic attraction to their partners, even long-term partners - marriage can serve as a 'symbol' of devotion and love, but it's mostly legal, and some decide to go for less legally binding ceremonies. Marriage is a very scary thing, especially when faced with the concept of the 'ideal' conservative marriage, where things are often unfair and unhappy long-term.

Me personally, I'm not that interested in marriage, especially because I'm not able to get married for other reasons. If I were to have a partner I wanted to show commitment to, we'd probably do a more symbolic ceremony and I wouldn't want anything to change after - no sudden shift in division of labor, no new expectations of either of us, none of that.

Romantic attraction without the want to marry is perfectly normal, and increasingly common - and, alternatively, I've seen a few arospecs who want to get married without romantic attraction behind it. This can, again, be because of commitment or devotion to a partner they might have, or strictly for those legal reasons (and, speaking of that, shout out to the countless marriages just for the legal benefits).

As far as if it's romantic attraction or not, that's not something I can decide for you, because romantic attraction is so different for everyone. If you feel the want to be with someone in a romantic sense, or if you get 'fluttery feelings' (I learned recently that those are real, which... wild) thinking about a certain someone, or even if you just find yourself happier around one person more than others, it could be a good indication that there's a romantic want/urge in your brain that just needs to be untangled.

I wish you the best in figuring it out, anon!

[burntearlgrey]

Fascinating time I’m having. Stuck in the Late Night Thoughts ruminating on the nature of romantic asexuality and the fact that it feels like this weird grey space that I inhabit. Most modern romance—that I’ve been exposed to—is at least tangentially related to or implies the concept of sexual intimacy in some form or fashion. Conversely, most aspec rep I see is the aroace double whammy—which is amazing to see represented! Please don’t misunderstand my meaning here—but I feel like there’s a dearth of rep in the alloromantic ace/allosexual aro categories that honestly would really fill my heart to see. I know that of course these demographics exist, and perhaps it’s just that I’m isolated from it, but sometimes it does feel lonely to see how romance and allosexuality are treated as separate from aspec rep as a broad rule.

[wolfjackle]

Hi, I am writing a book about the history of asexuality through the lens of my and others personal experiences of being asexual and I saw your post about the time you spent on AVEN with regard to the terms for the community. I wondered if you would be willing to talk to me about your experience of being in the community and if you had an suggestions for historical moments or resources?

Thanks for your time!

I'm absolutely happy to talk to you, but I don't know how much help I'll be. I discovered Asexuality around 11 or 12 years ago (early 2010s) and have been in and out of online ace spaces since.

I didn't have any doubt about my identity. It went from reading the word in a fanfic and going "huh, that's a thing?" to "Oh, that's me" within a week. Literally, within hours of actively looking up the term, I accepted it for myself. It didn't distress me, it didn't bother me. It did make the rest of the world make a lot more sense, though.

IRL, I'm half out. As in most of my close friends know, but for my family, I've never bothered to use the word "asexual" or "aromantic". I just tell them I don't plan on dating/getting married and now that I'm in my 30s, they rather believe me.

I managed to miss the worst of the Discourse™ by simply not being on tumblr at the time. I was in school (18 credit semesters + part time work), then moving and starting a new career. I also dropped off online social spaces for a while with the death of forums. By the time I came back and got comfortable, the worst of the discourse had passed.

Now, though, I'm not really in ace circles very much. I think it's because I just can't get into how they're organized. Having to rely on reddit (which I stopped using in July due to API changes) or Tumblr is...very slap-dash. I prefer the organization of forums. Where you have one specific area for memes, one for serious discussion, one for jokes, one for people new to the idea and settling in, etc. When it's all mixed together, I find I have to sift through a lot of what I'm not in the mood for to find the stuff I want to engage with.

I feel like I probably know more than what I think I do. I'm always surprised when I come across aces who don't realize certain things. The amount of tags and comments on my addition to the allosexual post prove that. So many people hadn't heard the ace definition of "self contained sexuality" and found it resonated with them. I'm glad I could teach them that bit of history as the definition is the one I relate most to as well.

I've seen people who think that only the ace of spades is a valid ace symbol when really it was the entire suite. Ace of hearts = alloromantic ace, Ace of spades = aroace, ace of diamonds = demiace, ace of clubs = grayace.

Most people know about the black ring, at least.

Anyway, if you think I can be of help, please reach out! I'll answer what questions I can and tell my (admittedly rather boring) story.

[that-queer-fanboy]

Aroace headcanon's for bl characters

Be Loved In House: I Do:

Yu Zhen - Sex and romance indifferent or favourable grey aroace or allo

Shi Lei - Sex and romance indifferent or favourable grey aroace or allo

Cherry Blossoms After Winter:

Taesung - Sex and romance favourable grey aroace

Haebom - Sex and romance indifferent or favourable grey or demiromantic grey or asexual

Color Rush:

Yeonwoo - Sex and romance indifferent grey or demiromantic asexual

Yoohan - Sex indifferent and romance favourable greyromantic allosexual

Don't Say No:

Leo - Sex indifferent or favourable and romance favourable grey aroace

Fiat - Sex and romance favourable greyromantic asexual spectrum or allo

Leon - Sex indifferent and romance favourable greyromantic pansexual

Pob - Sex and romance indifferent demi aroace.

Light On Me:

Shinwoo - Sex indifferent and romance indifferent or favourable grey homoromantic asexual.

Taekyung - Sex indifferent and romance favourable grey or allo (potentially homoromantic) asexual or greysexual.

Lovely Writer:

Gene - Sex adverse and romance indifferent or favourable grey or demiromantic demisexual.

Mr Heart:

Jinwon - Sex indifferent and romance adverse or indifferent grey or demiromantic grey or allosexual

Sangha - Sex indifferent and romance favourable grey aroace or allo

Mr Unlucky Has No Choice But To Kiss:

Kouta - Sex adverse and romance indifferent grey or demiromantic allosexual

Shinomiya - Sex and romance indifferent grey or demiromantic greysexual or allosexual.

My Engineer:

Bohn - Sex indifferent and romance favourable greyromantic or alloromantic bisexual or pansexual.

Duen - Sex adverse and romance indifferent demiromantic grey or demisexual

Ram - Sex and romance indifferent grey aroace

King - Sex and romance indifferent allo

Thara - Sex and romance indifferent grey or demi aroace (demiromantic demisexual)

Frong - Sex and romance indifferent allo.

My Love Mix-Up!:

Ida - Sex and romance indifferent greyromantic asexual.

Aoki - Sex adverse or indifferent and romance favourable demiromantic bisexual

Oh! My Assistant:

Joonseok - Sex and romance indifferent or favourable aromantic bisexual

Old Fashioned Cupcake:

Nozue - Sex indifferent and romance adverse grey or demiromantic greysexual

Togawa - Sex indifferent and romance favourable grey aroace

Semantic Error:

Jaeyoung - sex favourable and romance indifferent or favourable grey or demiromantic bi or pansexual.

Sangwoo - Sex and romance adverse or indifferent grey or demiromantic asexual.

Senpai This Can't Be Love:

Yanase - Sex and romance indifferent grey aroace or allo

Kaneda - Sex and romance indifferent grey or demi aroace

Takara-Kun and Amagi-Kun:

Takara - Sex indifferent or favourable and romance adverse or indifferent grey aroace (greyromantic greysexual)

Amagi - Sex adverse and romance favourable greyromantic allosexual potentially ace spec. (I genuinely don't know enough to label him besides allo broadly)

Tinted With You:

Heon - Sex and romance indifferent grey aroace.

Eunho - Also sex and romance indifferent grey aroace.

*Will probably be edited as I watch more

Plus and Minus:

Zheng Ze Shou - Sex and romance favourable grey aroace.

Fu Li Gong - Sex indifferent/favourable and romance favourable grey aroace.

Kato Yuki - Romance and sex indifferent/favourable demi aroace (I also think he has ADHD).

Jian Ying Ze - Romance and sex indifferent grey aroace (I also think he has ASD).

A Shoulder To Cry On:

Dayeol - Sex indifferent and romance adverse or indifferent grey or demi aroace.

Taehyun - Sex adverse and romance adverse or indifferent grey or demi aroace.