#absolutely SUPERB you lil sillies

[mage-ical-character-person]

ougwhsnakdkaknjj

Look at them

They’re all so absolutely adorable I love them.

Ouhhgh. The they!! I jus. Just wanna

[shawtuzi]

no thoughts head empty just househusband!reiner

cw: black fem!reader, breeding kink, exhibitionism, lactation kink, kinda sub!reiner, mommy & daddy kink—i’m probably forgetting something but pls enjoy regardless

sfw

househusband!reiner who gets up before you every morning to make you your favorite breakfasts and coffee—yes he will pour the entire cup of coffee out if it’s even the tiniest bit too sweet. when it’s time for you to go he always makes sure to bid you farewell with a goodbye kiss.

househusband!reiner who will either have your lunch packed in ready in the morning for work (he leaves you a cute or spicy little note in every single one he packs) or will come to your job and surprise you with takeout.

househusband!reiner who spends his free time watching tutorials on youtube on how to style little black girls hair for your guys’ daughter. that is his baby right there and he absolutely loves seeing how happy she is after he finishes her hair.

househusband!reiner who constantly gets hit on by other moms whenever he picks up your daughter from ballet practice but he don’t even pay them women no mind too enamored in how cute his little angel looks in her leotard and tutu.

househusband!reiner who prepares a sweet treat every tuesday and thursday for your daughter when she gets off school or the two of them will make the dessert together and surprise you with it when you come home from work.

househusband!reiner who keeps the house nice and tidy all hours throughout the day—until your daughter comes home. her favorite game is to throw all the throw pillows and couch cushions on the floor and walk on them pretending that the floor is lava. whenever reiner tries to clean up the mess she uses those oh so cute puppy dog eyes and convinces him to join her.

househusband!reiner whose lock screen on his is a picture of you and him at the hospital holding your newborn little girl. his home screen is a picture of the two of you on your wedding day, his arms were wrapped around you from behind, pressing a kiss to your cheek and you were smiling probably the hardest you’d ever smiled in your life. those two pictures meant the absolute world to him and he’d rather take a punch to the face than ever change them.

househusband!reiner who is a superb cook!! your daughter has never been a picky eater and it’s bc reiner’s meals are so damn good! every time you come home after a long day at work the table will already be set and there’s a plate waiting at your spot. if you’re working a late night he’ll have a big plate of leftovers waiting for you.

househusband!reiner who doesn’t give a single fuck that he’s a househusband no matter what anyone says. he loves catering to his daughter and hard working wife and at the end of the day he’s probably getting more play than they ever will. there’s nothing that turns a woman on more than a man who actually helps out around the house so best believe you and reiner are getting it in every other night.

nsfw

househusband!reiner who is a god tier pussy eater like this man is the definition of a munch. his fav thing to do is suckle on your clit while three of his thick fingers are shoved inside your clenching cunt. if you’re on a time crunch he knows how to make you cum in less than two minutes with ease but if he’s taking his time he’ll quite literally spend hours between your thighs until you push his head away in need for a break.

househusband!reiner who is soo whiny when you ride him you have to either cover his mouth with your hand or gag him with your panties. he loves when you take charge and even degrade him. no one on this earth is gonna be able to call reiner braun a ‘whiny little bitch’ and walk away still conscious except for you.

househusband!reiner who sometimes sneaks into your showers in the morning and fucks you silly. his intentions are pure at first but once you feel his hands start to grip at your waist/ass or wander to your lower region you know that he’s feeling a lil needy and who are you to deny your sweet husband?? that’s how you always end up pressed against the tiled wall while reiner hits it from the back, whining and moaning into your neck about how good you feel wrapped around him and how lucky he is to have a wife as beautiful as you were.

househusband!reiner who has the biggest breeding kink known to man. he’ll take any opportunity he can to cum in your sweet pussy and mumbles out little ‘thank you’s every time you let him. he’ll also settle for cumming on your pussy, ass, tits, etc.

househusband!reiner who is also into exhibitionism!! if you’re at your office he has no problem sneaking under your desk and throwing your legs over his shoulder and eating your pussy till your legs are shaking. if you’re a couple of glasses of wine in at a dinner party and suggest to sneak off to the bathroom together he’ll be trailing right behind you, his dick already semi-hard in his dress pants.

househusband!reiner who has a massive obsession with your breasts. he loves loves loves when you let him lay in your lap and and suck on your nipples while you jerk him off into overstimulation. if you’re wondering he one hundred percent drank your breast milk. the first time he did it he just couldn’t help it! it hurt his heart hearing how much pain you were in when your breasts were so full with milk so he quickly, yet gently lifted your shirt up and latched onto one of your nipples.

“r-rei,” you gasped gripping onto his hair to pull him away, your breast milk dripping down his chin. “what are you doing love hm?” you breathlessly giggled wiping the milk from his chin. reiner nuzzled his face into your tits, leaving gentle kisses on the smooth skin. “hate hearing how much pain you’re in when they’re full—i wanna help you. will you let me help you? please?” all it took was one look into those pretty brown eyes and you gave in letting him latch onto your nipple once more. by the time he was done he came in his pants and your panties were a soaked mess—safe to say whenever your breasts were feeling a little extra sore you went to reiner for help.

househusband!reiner who has a raging mommy kink and has no shame about it. it kinda ties in with his breeding kink—whenever he’s got you folded in half, thighs clapping against his pelvis he’s whispering the most dirty promises in your ear the word ‘mommy’ will slip past his kiss swollen lips a couple times.

“f-fuck mommy you feel so good shit,” he growled wrapping his hand around your neck. reiner leant down to give you a sloppy kiss full of tongue and teeth flashing before pulling away, “m’gonna fill you up n’ give you another baby i promise. you’d like that wouldn’t you mommy?” his moans were becoming more whiny and breathy and his thrusts were becoming sloppier by the minute—you could tell he was close and you knew exactly how to make him reach him peak. “yes d-daddy please—ah! p-please fill me up, ‘wanna carry your baby again.” reiner let out a loud groan, his hips stilling as spurt after spurt of his hot cum filled you up, your greedy pussy squeezing him like a vice to get every drop out. reiner rested his sweaty forehead against yours breathing out a small ‘thank you’. although the seemed tired and ready to call it a night that was far from the case. reiner let out a hum before sitting back up—suddenly you were flipped onto your stomach ass up, reiners still hard dick rubbing between your soaked folds. “we have the night to ourselves and you think i’m gonna tap out after four rounds? i must’ve really fucked you dumb huh? silly girl now arch that pretty back for me.”

[eternalsa2z]

Savant 2 Fantasy Trophies

(This is a continuation of a previous post called Savant. Because what's better than one secret bimbo genius? Two of them...duh!)

I tried to be happy playing fantasy with my secret silly weapon. But somehow it didn't feel right. Maybe it was my competitive side. Maybe I felt I didn't deserve a bimbo savant like Kiki. Or maybe it was some secret curiosity about exactly how she thought about things. So I asked her to help me understand what goes on inside that bimbo brain of hers.

"Like...you sure you wanna learn from a ditzy doll like me?" she asked incredulously. Eyes wide. Shining with excitement. I nodded and she squealed and hugged me. "OMG yaaaaaay! I soooo wanted a fantasy friend. A bimbo bestie who just, like, gets me...ya know?"

So soon I was being coached by an absolute cutie. Trained to look, act, and talk like her. Because as Kiki says, "Like, to be good at fantasy you gotta BE a fantasy. Duh!" It didn't really make sense. But I'll admit that when we went to a Super Bowl party dressed up in identical outfits, I felt a connection. Even if I just had a breastplate and wig on...I couldn't help but smiling just a brightly as my bestie.

The training continued all summer. Kiki said I needed, like, a state of empty serenity. To clear my head of all my old thoughts. To just focus on picking out a cute outfit, like footballers select their cleats. Memorize how to get my makeup juuuuuust right, like a player putting on eyeblack. How to strut and sparkle and shine, just like a superstar fantasy stud. Or in my case...a superstar fantasy bimbo babe nicknamed Nally!

By the end of summer, things started to fit into place. Not just the thinkys. But, like, my body and stuff. Kiki was sooooo nice and saved some winnings from last year so I could get some lip filler, cute hair extensions, and real boobies!!! OMG we were, like, breasties now!

When draft time came and we showed up in these adorable 'lil outfits, it sooooo made sense. My costume was, like, my strategy! There was a cowboy hat cuz the Cowboys players were soooo sexy this year. Big high heels that were, like, hard to run in cuz running boys are less important to me. Oh and everything is red since, like, we watched that super good red team win the Superb Owl last year and they'll totes be hawt again!

I couldn't explain it. It was, like insti...instink...er, just felt right, ya know? Kiki was soooo supportive and even, like, finished my thoughts for me if I got too giggly or blank for too long. She's not just a great teacher...she's, like, a total awesum teammate to me. Oh and she even, like, started joking about 'Nally's Fantasy Lyfe' which turned into the cuuuutest team name for the year. NFL! Isn't Kiki is soooo clever?

By the end of the year, like, I was sooooo happy! Kiki and Nally, like, both won all our leagues. I was sooooo proud that I was a strong, independent bimbo who just needed another bimbo to show me what to do. I'm like a sav...savvy...er, secret smartie skirt just like Kiki now! Or at least a trophy doll just like my breastie.

Oh ya! Like, speaking of breasties, I'm suuuuuper proud of my boobies too! Kiki suggested I do 'TDs for titties' so like every time a player of mine scored, like, I'd add a CC of silly-cone too my chest. As you can see, like, I did GREAT this year. So great that Kiki and I both got all dolled up to celebrate!

We were also dressed all pretty and stuff cuz we went to a special Superb Owl party. Not to watch the game, of course. I can barely focus on anything but the short commercials anyways. But since, like, it was kinda boring to win soooo much, Kiki wanted to introduce us to another fantasy group. One filled with other fantasy bimbo smarties just like us!

The competition next year will be fierce but the prizes will be enorm...humung...er, like, as big as the fake titties the winner gets! Losing also isn't so bad. Like, you get to be 'lil lesbian pet of the winner alllll summer. A lit-er-all fantasy trophy IRL. Honestly, like, Nally is trying to find a way to trade all her best players to her breastie so they can be top and bottom. Like, being a bimbo doll is the least Nally can do to thank Kiki for, like, showing her how to be a fantasy savant too!

[trainingdummyrabbit]

oooooooobhhhh...... would it be alright if you talked abt ur ocs......... if it's not a bother.......

stands here like some sort of beast . this took me two days. im so sorry. inhales

i can absolutely talk abt my ocs yeah :D never ever a bother!!

this is rose and wolfe! theyre two of my lobcorp ocs whom i love very dearly :] they (and the rest of their group) have their own lil story going on, but i say that very loosely bc im just having fun honestly ^_^ and they sure do love making decisions that make that Rather Difficult For Me. but alas, anyhow,

this is inevitably going to get Pretty Fucking Long! (post-post edit. ~35 paragraphs.) so if youre prepared for that. 👍 yippy!! anyway hope you like fucked up little lesbians bc here we go

im probably going to be retreading ground here a bit bc im gonna try and take it from the top, but also because i dont remember what ive said and what i havent so ill just say whatever i remember ^_^

the basic gist of th storyline is that its kind of a pseudo-murdermystery but instead of dying u get turned into some sort of beastie ! ^_^ aka 'nobody knows what the distortion phenomenon is yet and are kinda too busy freaking out about it to notice headquarters exploded last week'. dont worry about that.

slaps notes on the table. this is gonna be really messy and maybe kinda incomprehensible but its ok bc this is just how its going to be. hope this helps.

OK LISTEN. they started out as one thing and then slowly kinda turned into something else and theyve been haunting me for months but they make talking about them Literally Impossible because of how much they just. fucking cling to each other, narratively. its impossible. they make everything so fucking difficult.

wolfe is some offshoot of a take on those Edgy Playground Wolf Ocs that you see a lot in middle school-- or well, thats the root of it. she was always going to be played fully seriously, but everyone was kinda written more silly-like towards the beginning anyhow. yknow, one of those 'orphan lab experiment who pretty much had to take care of themself and really hates people, with Cool Mysterious Powers theyre really conflicted about' type characters. and honestly a lot of that still sticks, really.

she presents herself in a kind of over-the-top way to try and get people to take her seriously and leave her alone, but honestly its just kind of . offputting.. in a way, shes kind of a stand-in for what its like to be a teenager (neurodivergence notwithstanding). sometimes the only thing you can do to get people to listen to you is to make a scene and yell really loud! and everyone will always discredit it as just something that happens while growing up, being "disobedient" because you want attention or want to be rebellious and contrary, but everything you feel IS real and it DOES hurt and nobody BELIEVES you so all you can do is yell LOUDER. its all theyll respond to. (and all it does is make people double down on what they think of you.)

wolfe is a character that is honestly kind of genuinely a bit extra, a little bit embarrassing, but very genuine. a lot of her life was spent not being able to decide what happened to her physically; just kinda pulled and prodded around whether she liked it or not; (again, the whole orphan lab experiment thing was never a lie.) and thrashing around is really all she can do about it. be inconvenient, irritating, hard to deal with; any small victory, any little foothold would do. unfortunately, most of what that's ever done is make things harder for herself. (she hates being expected to be something convenient to others, yet in her attempts to cast it away, forms her worldview to the dichotomy they set up around her. curious !)

so you have this fucked up lil thing and drop her into an lcorp facility. great superb fantastic. n then you give her some ego gear and it messes her up Big Time because guess what, her body is all sorts of fucked up and is Not reacting well with this whole thing, causing it to quite literally Stick and all those 'mild' side effects are now 'major' side effects and everyones Fussing over you again because youre an Anomaly and you Dont get any rest and youre still getting used to a body and mind that isnt Quite what it was before and you Cant leave since they need to figure out whats going on here and Oh God Fucking Damn It Its Again.

so its pretty fair that shes being Like That about the whole thing all things considered.

at this point shes just trying to make it through day by day without someone prodding her about something or another, just stop Staring at her already, fuck off. just one foot in front of the other and try not to think about it too hard. thumbsup 👍 more often than not she works alone; not just because of her own decisions, but also did you know cobalt scar gets a boost on low hp for the exchange of activating friendly fire? pretty crazy. shes kinda reckless and bound to get herself hurt anyway, so it doesnt really Change anything to just kinda.. send her out there without backup. not like she works well with others anyway, right? itd be pretty dangerous to pair her up with someone n all. yknow.

it kinda sucks, yknow? at this point shes so fucking tired of The Everything that honestly she just wants to get in and get out as quickly as possible without having to deal with any nonsense. shes still really pissed off about the entire Situation, still trying to keep any small bit of autonomy she gets to have, but like. well. sometimes it really is easier to just Do Your Job And Leave. finish your tasks and not think about it and not bother with anyone and fuck off until you have to do it again. thats how it always wouldve been anyway, right? easy. annoying. so, so annoying. god she fucking hates it here.

so anyway, rose. she sucks. she doesnt, but i have to say it every time i talk about her Or Else. shes the reason i have such a hard time talking about The Everything. and also why i had to rewrite this and take Two Days getting to it. she is just. So Much. shes an idiot. shes too smart for her own good. she would fit right in as a YA novel protagonist. this is all stalling on trying to explain what the hell is wrong with her.

honestly on a surface level shes pretty chill all things considered. mostly stays in her lane, gets along with people pretty easily, just kinda goes here, pretty good at small talk. she loves listening to people. she Loves listening to people. the problem. she isnt lying, per se, about her entire Presentation and general manner of being, but she isnt really honest either. shes disingenuous. kind of.

rose as a character is Very aware of how people act, and why they choose what they do in what situations. as such, she has gotten very good at Acting A Part rather than actually Living It. she loves listening to people because she wants to know who they are. not in a "i want to get to know my coworkers ^_^" type of way but in a "writing down all your character traits and quirks to record your habits" type of way. a weird sort of genre-awareness. she is very Very easily able to track exactly what type of person someone is and adjust the way she acts around them to... any sort of effect she wants to, honestly. mostly its just quelling dumb spats and getting people to stop being stupid like people tend to do, but every so often she isnt exactly averse to just kinda... messing with people. only a little! but she Could, if she Wanted to. which she doesnt. because shes nice.

rose sees interpersonal interaction as a complex 'game'. not by that name, but by that function. everyone always Expects something, in engaging with another, and all it really is at its core is getting what you want without giving too much ground. to figure out who the Other is without them figuring out who You are. its a competition. to understand what another person Is is what gives you the advantage. to know is to win, to be known is to lose. keep your cards as close to your chest as you can, and they cant control you. easy. its something everyone Does, but only a few acknowledge. she was just good enough to learn.

but like, admittedly, shes very chill. shes literally nice? like yeah all that but she is literally nice. shes fine. shes like... fine? shes all right. like Yeah it sounds bad when you put it like that but she is literally nice.

rose plays a lot with the idea of Symbol. shes a fully realized person, yeah, but she was never Expected to be. she exists mostly as a formality, and she knows thats all that was really expected of her. she was there to Fulfill An Ideal and little else; so she reaches for what she can when she can. be Sweet and Simple and Pretty-- that's all. and she isnt, she knows this, but it sure does make things simple when thats all people know of you. (impossible for people to dig for information people dont think exists.)

a flower in a broken vase unsure if its defined by the petals or the holes. shes someone intrinsically frustrated by the rules that define her, but is unable to comprehend a self without it. clinging to it because its the sole point of control she feels she can Have over things, but wishing to cast it aside to self realize and prove that shes worth the time of day to acknowledge. (she doesnt care what her caretakers thought of her, but still she defines her actions based on their idea of her. curious !)

so you have these two in the general vicinity of one another right.

rose initially interacts with wolfe as almost a game. a test, even. just to see if she could get anything out of the weird one that sulks in a corner by themself, refusing to interact with anyone. shes just curious, yknow? and wolfe, obviously, takes this about as well as you think she would. dont you have better things to do?? stop asking about my fucking hobbies. ..rose could always count on her for a reaction.

wolfe was very, Very resistant to playing along much at all. she thought that giving just simple brush-off responses would get her to get the hint that it wasnt worth bothering, but then rose would come back with more questions building off of whatever they'd talked about, just... idly talking at her. a frequent annoyance turning into just. consistent background noise. yeah this might as well be happening. but even still, the amount of things that rose remembered and considered and genuinely seemed to listen to kind of caught her off guard. it was... weird. it was really really weird.

it wasnt really all that hard to read what wolfe was feeling at any given moment. it was kind of funny, honestly, especially with how she tended to present herself. (honestly, how did everyone else just Miss all of this?) but after some time, rose was surprised to find that she started to just... speak to her frankly. it was stark, only every so often, almost as if she didnt realize the shift in her own tone. its around then that rose started piecing things together herself and... oh. ohh. (how did everyone just miss all of this?)

Bad News Motherfuckers! Its Fucking Over For Both Of You! wolfe finds someone who is genuinely willing to listen to her on the sole drive of simply Understanding Her, rather than wanting something in exchange, wanting something From her; and rose. god. she finds a reflection of exactly what she wishes she couldve been, things she couldve done, were she not shaped into what she Is. an understanding of something she'd never acknowledged, never knew was there, but was there with her the entire time. someone with a clear understanding of what they are, willing to fight tooth and nail to keep it, regardless of what anyone or anything else tries to do with them. things that the narrative constantly tries to take from them; things that rose wants so desperately to let wolfe keep.

so yknow, girl things. THIS is where things get really annoying.

rose seemed to enjoy messing with wolfe just for fun, but honestly shes just kinda taken by her honesty. she doesnt ever seem to have any ulterior motives when shes around her, she just… is. and does. because she wants to. rose honestly isnt really sure how to handle someone who isnt just… mildly bluffing at all times, especially about connection. that level of vulnerability is scary to her. so she teases her. she expects her being flustered-- and she is-- but still, she finds herself caught off guard by wolfe's earnestness.

even so, rose catches herself being far more open than she intends to be-- accidentally, at first, against her better judgement, but then tentatively, almost as if to test the waters. just how much could she show of herself and still uphold that trust? how many red flags can she put up before wolfe notices? no, that was unfair. before it becomes unforgivable. before it recontextualizes her. she cares, yes, genuinely and deeply so. (but what does that mean, coming from her?) she wants wolfe to be safe. (im asking you to leave.)

wolfe and rose both trust each other to a degree that they dont trust many others. its the passive understanding that theyre very much alike, and the even more silent knowledge that they want better for each other; in a roundabout way of knowing that they themselves deserved better, no matter how much they insist otherwise.

theyre very genuine with each other in a way that kind of surprises themselves. neither of them quite know what theyre doing, nor do they want to put a name to something so fleeting, but… its there.

wolfe desperately wants to be closer to rose, but hates that she desires that vulnerability. (it was always rather dangerous, showing your hand like that.) its an annoying fondness, constantly prickling at the back of her head any time rose is even remotely relevant. even when she isnt. shes kind of haunted. shes very defensive of her in a way she honestly doesnt realize until someone points it out. it just comes naturally to her. (whats the difference between a guard dog and an attack dog again..? (is she really ready to deal with the implications of this? is this not just having another will enacted on you? how does she really feel about that?))

rose, meanwhile, is… actually also conflicted. she likes wolfe. this is obvious. it wasnt intended, and she can roll with it, but it's… complicated. she handles it a lot more analytically. she notices when wolfe takes a step forward, and matches it in turn. equivalent exchange, and all. show that youve noticed, that you care, that youre paying attention. (i think she may be afraid. despite her presentation, she's afraid.)

she acknowledges the feeling of desire in this bond-- she wants wolfe to be able to live outside of others' influence. desperately. (if she cant, then…) she refuses to acknowledge what this says of Herself, though. but most importantly, she knows how easy it would be to simply take the role of someone who controls her. (isnt that just what she's always done to others?) she hates the idea of becoming that. (it would be so easy.) goes out of her way to avoid influencing her in that way-- but somehow, this just makes her more distant. hesitant to touch.

and with that fear, she tends to react, again, logically. tries to solve it like a puzzle, like she always has. finds the shortest distance to a perceived goal. this makes her rather distant, disconnected-- shes trying to control her own feelings by controlling what is around it.

what this means, most importantly, is that she is unable to trust wolfe the way She trusts her. she isnt strong enough to push back against what she sees of herself, or that which she uses to protect herself. giving in to those well-walked patterns instead of being able to brave uncertainty in something that new. she hides herself because she isnt sure what will become of her-- and is too afraid to risk what may come of losing the person she suddenly deeply cares about. setting herself up to crash harder should the worst happen. because she would simply blame herself. proving herself right.

meanwhile wolfe is dealing with Actually Trusting Someone for the first time in longer than she can remember, whether she likes it or not. maybe she was being stupid. maybe this was just a foolish foray into trusting people like she’d always told herself not to do. but… but. rose just brought this sense of comfort wherever she went, this feeling of certainty.

it was never good to let your guard down, but… but just this once, she so badly wanted to. once you let these things go, it becomes harder to get them back. she knew this. and yet, all the parts of her that protested were overruled by a deep desire to simply lie down and fall asleep in that comforting feeling. how frustrating. how annoying. how dangerous. now she had someone she could not argue against. and yet, she held this advantage as if she did not know it was one she wielded, a dangerous thing held without intent. was this trust? …did she want it to be?

and so, foolishly perhaps, she decided to trust. it was a tenuous thing, unbeknownst to anyone but herself. …probably. rose did have a way of seeing right through people. but even through all that, through the Everything… it felt nice to have someone to look out for. someone to worry about, someone on your mind when there used to be nobody else but you. she’d spent so long worrying about the repercussions of leaving your back to someone, yet she’d never known the comfort of having someone do the same to you. she’d never realized how hard it was to do much of anything with fangs bared the entire way. the ache of worry was dull compared to the weight of silence. (she would give her Everything to her. all or nothing, with her. maybe this was simply part of the inevitable problem.)

hey remember the whole turning-into-creatures thing? yeah thats still happening. crazy right? anyway. The Problem.

so you have people turning into things not quite unlike abnormalities, expressions of deep fears and desires running away with what used to be a human. and youve got some fucked up little guy with a Lot of barely repressed issues thats deceptively easy to mess with and actively averse to anybody really reaching out to them whatsoever.

and then rose is trying her best to figure out whats causing all this bullshit going on, but also her . coworker. is suddenly acting Really snappy and distant and its kinda starting to make her worried and she doesnt want to push her but shes looking really rough lately and fuck. wait. god. wait. shit.

long inhale. so you have two stupid motherfuckers 100% willing to drop everything and kill everyone in this facility and then themselves if anything so much as happens to the other (but theyre super normal about it, its fine, the other doesnt have to know.) theyre so good at this interpersonal interaction thing guys they swear (dont look too close though ok haha.) theyre sooo unknowable guys theyre really pulling a fast one on everyone here. they Definitely know what to do to fix the problem forever its fine they totally get it. dont stop them.

anyway heres a bunch of images for no reason

[artifeast]

KINGMAKER EP22!!!!!!! lil liveblog with excessive use of capslock under the cut for this ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL EP

eisen going "stop it" when colette sneezes LMAOOOO

OMGGGG SOOOOOOO SOSOSOSOSO FUN HEARING ARIADNE TALK IN COLETTE'S BODY

yeah girl. experience the Tortures

WIZARD OIL. i would like some wizard oil perchance.

AAAAND COLETTE!!!! GODDD THE VOICE ACTING IS AMAZINGGG

colette's wails in ariadne's voice is so peculiar to hear

oh. oh. oh ariadne's attempt at colette's voice. that's it i'm killing her right now DHFVDVFDVHFVDHVFHVDHFV

WAIT GODDDDDDDD COLETTE'S ATTEMPT AT ARIADNE'S VOICE SHJSFVHDVFHJVDF THEY'RE KILLING MEEEE. they're so bad at this.

ARIADNE DOESN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMESSSSS. GODDDD

the way she says eisen's name is gfdhhfgfhgf. something about the delivery is so funny

filled with complete primal rage at the way ariadne's abusing colette's vocal chords. the NOISES she's MAKING. "YOU SILLY GOOSE YOU!" GSCGFSDFCVGSFS

eisen's excellent taste in coffee making an appearance

there's a million things wrong with ariadne's portrayal of colette already. the coffee's just the cherry on top

TERPSICHORE

THE IMMEDIATE STABBING

colette (as ariadne) going "BONE CLAW NOW!" is so SO funny

NOT ARIADNE WITH THE PLASMA AXE!!!!

love seeing telesphore teleport left and right. he's so cooool 🥰

WALKING IN ON COLETTE TALKING ABOUT CLOTHING, WITH JOHN NONE THE WISER THAT IT'S HER. LOL

TROLLOP?!?!??!!!?

✨THE CIRCUS MUSIC!!!! YIPPEE FUN TIMES!!!!✨

i sneeze like eisen. except 2x louder 😔

omgggg their VOICES!!!

LMAOOOOOOOO POOR EISEN

valuable tiny lore details here in this scene. good neighbors see in more colors AND more dimensions. and eisen is balding

THE BRIEF ARIADNE+TELSIE SWAP LOL. they didn't even get to play around with each other's powers like was discussed in the q&a... for the best really

colette is so clever sending that letter 🥰 i love her

AMAZING episode. so so SO FUN. the voice acting? Superb. i looove the way the bodyswap spell sounds. and more magic lore!!! fun seeing more types of mentalism magic in action!

eisen and telesphore having to deal with ariadne... oof... good on them for handling it reasonably. stabbing notwithstanding.

and colette's struggles... at this point she might just need to learn french lol. but she was able to get away with wayyy more in ariadne's body than ariadne could in hers... mostly thanks to not being around anyone that knows ariadne super well ofc, and ariadne's intimidating reputation. but also her impression was a lil better than what ariadne immediately came out the door swinging with LMAO. the voice colette put on was goofy but i kinda loved it

ohhhhh i will be thinking about this ep for the next two weeks!!!!!!!!!!

[deceptive-daydreams]

smoke signals just continuing to be one of my absolute favourites on here 🍁🍂

the moment he catches her with Steve and shots at the bar was tense, not only was she drinking but he'll have likely been annoyed she's on her own with Steve. Such a jealous boi 😈 but then they're soft and slushy with eachother again and she's no longer threatened by Nancy 🖤 and the eye contact 🔥 I'm dying.

but her thought process is so familiar to me. putting your entire energy supply into managing how new people perceive you, going into meltdown over off hand comments and how they're meant, wanting to be 'just right' for everyone. its impossible but we try anyway 😭

Two things I loved in particular this chapter were the absence of Jett (ew) and Nancy just sitting back and assessing every interaction as her best journalistic self 🤣 love it 🖤 ta very much for another superb chapter!

AHH I MISSED YOU🖤

god our Eddie is such a jealous lil boy, he for sure was fuming a little bit just by seeing them alone together

ugh and then the one sided tension reader had with Nancy was just so relatable in a way cause your mind just makes shit up and then you’re all convinced that’s the reality of it meanwhile everyone else would be like ?????

THE EYE CONTACT IS EVERYTHING….especially since reader has such anxiety but is totally fine with staring into Eddie’s eyes for as long as she wants like he is becoming her safe space

YES I feel the same way like taking a comment wrong simply because your mind wants to use it against you and it’s like “they don’t like you” and you’re just trying every possible thing to reverse that narrative IT SUCKS

AHAHAH we’re here for the Jett slander, he’s been acting nasty

OK BUT LISTEN I live for Nancy being this sneaky little wing woman so to speak. She hasn’t necessarily done anything but her body language says everything and she kinda flips the situation on reader where reader is like oh she def isn’t interested in Eddie at all…

THANK YOU FOR READING I LIVE FOR TALKING ABOUT MY SILLY LIL FIC WITH YOU💜

[sitp-recs]

Do you know of any fics under 10k that aren’t too angsty? ❤️

Hi anon, I most certainly do! Thanks so much for sending this ask, I was super excited when I saw it because I’m always happy to celebrate short fics - they could use more appreciation! I’ve wanted to do a proper shorts reclist for a while so I indulged myself and went big, hope you don’t mind! Putting this together was quite hard - going through my bookmarks I realized that I usually go for angsty shorts 💀 so I tried my best not to include anything too extreme, I hope these are okay!

This became a lil monster with 40 recs (and I have lots more hehe) so I decided to sort them by genre - the last category includes light angst (more on the contemplative side) because I can’t help myself. Shout-out to @tackytigerfic for giving me a 2nd opinion and helping me polish this - and for being a darling in general. Happy readings!

ROMANCE/COMFORT

1. Sun Stroke by @peachpety (2020, E, 3k)

Warm, sexy and wholesome, this fic makes my heart soar with the magical beach setting, amazing friendship dynamics and the sweet get together with a delicious side of smut!

2. oxygen [Fic & Art] by @maesterchill (2020, T, 4k)

Tentative acquaintances become something more over a shared smoke at the balcony. Sexy, mature, deliciously atmospheric and full of promise - plus Healer Draco is always a treat!

3. Catch the Snitch (No, Catch My Heart) by @prolix- (2020, E, 4.5k)

Gorgeous bath fic where Harry and Draco just... take care of each other. The raw emotion packed here! Lush and vivid build up with stunning body worship, hot and intimate and breathtaking.

4. Thermodynamic Equilibrium by DorthyAnn (2017, T, 5k)

This quiet comfort fic gives our boys some well deserved healing through physical touching and late night companionship. Love the 8th year atmosphere, soothing and familiar.

5. Blue Sky Is Living Here Today by ignatiustrout (2018, G, 5k)

The loveliest kid fic you’ll see today - real characters, gentle longing, soft understanding. It’s a joy to watch dad Draco through Harry’s smitten eyes, as he realizes there’s no rush to live that love.

6. Gravity Centered by @carpemermaidtales (2019, E, 6.7k)

Possibly my favorite Quidditch fic, this has an original premise and amazing Drarry dynamics, casual and organic, sassy and familiar, with a perfect lil twist at the end!

7. Up The by @shiftylinguini (2018, E, 7.5k)

One of the funniest PWPs I’ve ever read, clever and charming with easy banter and delicious smut. A sweet and sexy glimpse into the Drarry married life! Cw Mpreg

8. And a Malfoy in a Pear Tree by lauren3210 (2015, E, 8k)

Sweet sweet coffee shop Christmas romance! Love the light and fun atmosphere, the easy banter and cute wooing while supportive Ron cheers in the background, what a treat!

9. Ice Snakes, Glow-worms and Wolverine Stew by khalulu (2015, M, 8.4k)

Khalulu writes the softest Drarry, it never fails to put a smile on my face. This has a gentle and sweet get together, with lovely slow burn, a gorgeous San Francisco setting and matchmaker Kreacher 💗

10. Life goes not backward by @shealwaysreads (2020, T, 8.8k)

This delicate comfort fic has a special way to tug at my heartstrings - a gorgeous tale about found family and the unexpected wonders of life. Gentle, magical and breathtaking in its simplicity.

HUMOUR

11. in charge by @bonesliketambourines (2020, E, 2.4k)

The ultimate brat Draco, bossy and confident and absolutely gorgeous with his long hair and impossible snark. Charming and funny, this packs so much character and domestic bliss under 3k! Perfect spoiled Draco is perfect.

12. The Morning After by birdsofshore, capitu (2015, M, 5.3k)

This is hysterical and so delightfully creative - Draco exploring Harry’s kitchen and charming a prudish appliance is the kind of cute, silly endeavor I need with my morning coffee!

13. The Spoiling of Sex From Enthusiastic Ignorance by @cibeewastaken (2020, E, 6k)

I’m impossibly enamored with Cibee’s drama queen Draco and his passionate missions! This time he’s decided to get some good diq, and the dialogue and mutual pining will make you smile from beginning to end.

14. All Tied Up by MyNameIsThunder (2020, M, 6k)

This is a secret relationship delight! Sneaking around gets so much better when dramatic Blaise is losing his shit to protect the Council of Serpents’ integrity! A+ faux-drama, super fun and sweet.

15. Luckiest Fucking Size Queen Alive by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (2016, E, 6.2k)

My favorite brand of thirsty and chaotic Draco; being inside his mind is such a crazy ride and you won’t stop laughing for a second. Amazing dialogue and insanely scorching smut as per loveglows’ usual 🤤

16. Sex Ed for Aurors by curiouslyfic (2010, M, 8.7k)

This is a Harry triumph, so fun and charming! Here he’s the one chaotic and thirsty, for a change - I’m obsessed with his internal ranting under the lust potion. Brilliant narrative and top notch characterization, a classic!

17. Ferocious Determination, Insufficient Deliberation, and a Slightly Wrong Destination by Faith Wood (2012, E, 9.5k)

Drunk Draco has never been so absurd and I LOVE it! This goes from hilarious to vulnerable and sweet in a heartbeat; pining Draco is a precious thing and Harry’s gentle persistence made my heart swell.

18. Stand Back: I'm About to Perform Archaeology by Blowfish_Diaries (2018, E, 9.7k)

This fic could definitely use more appreciation - I had a blast with Draco’s hilarious voice and their cute married banter! The plot is quite original and I love the 8th year domestic vibes.

19. The Full Monty by @magpiefngrl (2017, E, 9.8k)

The calendar fic we deserve 👏🏻 this is ultimate thirsty Draco being completely obliterated by Harry’s casual attractiveness but mostly by his kind heart and big smile. One of my favorite comfort reads, hilarious, sweet and so damn sexy, the full monty combo is here!

20. Aural Gratification by birdsofshore (2014, E, 10k)

This fic is a classic, charming and hysterical with an adorable Harry thirsting over Draco’s smooth voice. Such an original concept and engaging read, not to mention the rewarding shade of smut!

SMUT

21. Tense by Faith Wood (2013, E, 3k)

Me, reading smut for the dialogue? It’s more likely than you think 😂 this fic is hilarious and hot all at once, with perfect banter and clever dialogue, really a smut triumph!

22. Under Your Skin by @p1013 (2020, Explicit, 4k)

Great premise and the sexiest build up, ugh so much teasing and anticipation as pierced Draco takes Auror Harry’s control away 🔥kudos at the A+ twist and promising ending!

23. The Slytherin Urn by @icmezzo (2015, E, 4.6k)

This fic’s geniality slaps me in the face, what a fascinating concept! Redemption kink and magical theory walk together as Harry loses his mind over competent Draco doing some badass curse-breaking ritual.

24. Once Bitten by Frayach (2012, E, 5.6k)

Still one of the hottest things I’ve ever read, lush and raw and absolutely breathtaking. Dark and tender at once, it explores biting kink with unapologetic precision and I love that!

25. Matched Set by astolat (2016, E, 5.7k)

One of my faves by the genius astolat, this is a perfect mix of hot size kink, A+ dirty talk and a brilliant and nuanced plot showing how Harry navigates his post-war reality. A must-read!

26. Teeth by @amelior8or (2020, E, 6k)

This fic is an emotional rollercoaster and goes from light-hearted and casual to vulnerable and tender in a second. Hot and intimate feat scorching wall sex, gut-punching lines and enthusiastic consent🔥

27. Born Slippy by @dracoladon (2020, E, 8.3k)

My favorite clubbing fic ever, clever and sensual, a master class in UST including the drunk haze confusion and panty kink as a treat! I can’t even talk about this fic without blushing 😳

28. The Page Eleven Wars by fireflavored (2010, E, 8.5k)

Competitive boys fighting for dominance both in bed and at the gossip column’s first page This is peak enemies to lovers: witty banter, hot smut screaming switching rights and feisty stubborn idiots finally getting over their asses.

29. The Things They Never Say by @bixgirl1 (2017, E, 9k)

Angry porn with (many) feels, this feels like a punch to the solar plexus. The explosive Drarry chemistry gives way to something quieter and gentler and full of longing, ugh but it aches so good. Absolutely exquisite!

30. Sweet Indulgence by @the-sinking-ship (2020, E, 10k)

The title says it all; this is a lush and charming read, with chaotic but nuanced Draco pining over authoritative, edgy Harry 😳 steaming pent up tension that culminates in glorious semi-public smut, is your body ready?

CONTEMPLATIVE/SOFT ANGST

31. Sharing a Pack by sugar_screw (2016, E, 2.7k)

A fully fleshed-out love story in less than 3k, with complex characters and powerful feels. Raw, poignant and unbelievably romantic.

32. Still Life by orphan_account (2019, M, 3k)

A superb and gut-punching story where Harry realizes all the little things that make Draco so very different from him - and falls in love anyway. Powerful in its simplicity and concise elegance.

33. Harmony (Left-Handed Melody Remix) by mindabbles (2010, M, 5.8k)

Draco finds his way post-war and Harry meets him in the middle. Aching and bittersweet but also hopeful, with a delicious side of coconut cake, Harry in black robes and Romeo & Juliet as soundtrack.

34. Let Me Have You and I'll Let You Save Me by Frayach (2012, M, 6k)

Enemies to lovers deluxe version! Come and feast on this original narrative, amazingly clever, rich and detailed, telling us an unlikely but inevitable love story.

35. A Pain of Our Choosing by @lqtraintracks (2020, E, 6k)

Broken boys fucking through their issues and healing together during the post-war is so my jam! A+ LQT goodness, this fic is evocative and quietly devastating, but full of feels and hope.

36. Our Little Life by @tackytigerfic (2020, M, 7k)

I’ve screamed about this brilliant fic recently; inventive, poignant and utterly romantic, this fic shows all the ways in which Harry and Draco find each other across space and time.

37. the keys to your kingdom by thistle_verse (2016, E, 7.5k)

A beautiful love story packing an impressive amount of character, conflict and emotion. We are invited to witness as work partners Harry and Draco finally take a leap of faith and grow out of their casual arrangement.

38. Clear As Mud by scoradh (2005, M, 9.8k)

Subtle and heart-wrenching, the sharp and clever narrative creates fascinating dynamics between this brilliantly written Draco and poor oblivious Harry trying to make sense out of it. An all-time fave. Cw: infidelity (not Drarry).

39. fine i'll hold my breath / til i forget it's complicated by teatrolley (2015, E, 10k)

Fucks buddies gone wrong but make it soft so we get to watch as pining Draco patiently waits for Harry to get the memo. Sweet and intimate, with lots of late night talks and comfortable silence.

40. Tidings of Comfort series by @blamebrampton (2012, G, 10k)

Quietly cathartic and atmospheric, this fic is a poignant balm to the soul; such a beautiful tone, such lovely interactions! A must-read for those who enjoy church settings, honest talks and redeemed Draco. All-time fave.

[gimme-a-hand-scaevola]

A review of the book The Rook by Daniel O’Malley that nobody ever asked for...

Ok so @chemcat92 recommended me this book and I listened to it on audiobook and I just... have a lot of thoughts. I haven’t read the sequel and I’m torn if I will. Having watched some AMVs of the show, it’s a hard pass. My review is going to be in three parts:

1. The plot

2. Wasted Potential - In General

3. Wasted Potential - Gestalt the Most Wasted Character Potential I’ve Read since Drizzt Do’Urden 

Obviously spoilers under the cut. 

Part 1: The Plot - i.e. I think Daniel discovered books four days before he started writing 

Ok so... The plot of this book. It starts off STRONG I will give it that. Myfanwy Thomas wakes up in a rainy part surrounded by bodies wearing latex gloves and no memories. She soon discovers her previous self lost her memories but because she was organized and knew it was coming, she has eased new Myfanwy’s transition. She gets to choose to stay in her life through letters and then we get an easy way to give flashbacks. Anyway this part RULES. 

Honestly, the book starts strong as hell. Myfanwy discovers she has supernatural powers over people’s nervous systems and is a trained bureaucrat for a supernatural wing of the government. This all runs sort of like a combination of Heroes and Harry Potter in the best way possible. And here is where we find the strongest part of the book: the superpowers. 

We don’t have to look that far to find Heroes type shows or books where everyone has a special ability, so if you’re going to go that route, you’ve gotta bring it. And honestly, Daniel brings it. They powers are cool as hell, they’re inventive, they’re well bounded. I felt like I understood what people’s powers and limitations were. We were in a land with magic, but it never felt cheap. This is going to dovetail into my absolute RANT about Gestalt but give me a sec to get there. 

Ok. So honestly I don’t even have any complaints until the third act. Act one gives us the set up, act two introduced the big bad the Grafters and so far so good. We’ve got good but elitist supernatural guys vs. bad but more egalitarian supernatural guys. We also know that it was someone in the supernatural org (it has a name but the name is so stupid I can’t spell it) that betrayed our protag and stole her memories and they’re still around and teamed up with the evil Grafters. Intrigue?? Don’t know who to trust???? Love it. 

For some reason everyone is either old, or hot, or so inhuman it’s viscerally horrifying. Love this touch. Eleanor from the Good Place taught us that it’s totally free to imagine everyone in a story as super hot. And it is. So they’re all super hot. Love it. Good commitment, Daniel. 

But then we get to Act three. So, this was a big swing on ol Danny’s part because a lot of the effect of this had to do with carrying out mystery. We’d built a lot of tension on the suspense  Who Betrayed Myfanwy. So obviously it’s really important for me to be surprised or at least satisfied with who this is. (As an aside, I would have been ok with guessing correctly, I definitely don’t subscribe to surprise trumping cohesive plot). Ok. With that on paper... like... holy shit. What a stupid “reveal.” 

So in part 1, like the first scene we get of old Myfanwy’s letters giving us context, she says that her apartment at work was inherited from a dude Conrad something that got promoted. And then she says it’s super badly decorated, and later we see it and this shit is straight out of Austin Powers, mirror over a round bed, The Whole Shebang. But she also says that this guy who otherwise is supposed to be very smooth and charismatic like... asks her about the decor.... every time they interact. Every Time They Interact. The second this was mentioned (WHICH IS AFTER WE KNOW SHE WAS BETRAYED) I'm like “oh ok so this guy bugged her room he’s the villain” and I only wasn’t sure because it was WAY too obvious. 

But no. He’s the villain. He has a big reveal where he’s like “AND I BUGGED YOUR ROOM” and I'm like... well... yeah. Of course you did. But here’s the thing tho... Myfanwy’s like... WHOLE ASS JOB is planning covert ops. So... is she good at her job??? IS SHE???? 

But we also don’t actually show how characters are based on their actions, we are just told how they are. But we will circle back to that in the Gestalt part. That’s honestly the sum of my rant about the plot. It was nothing. It put all its eggs in the basket of the worst most boring reveal of all time. Daniel, I think you might just be boring. 

Part 2: Wasted Potential - Everything but Gestalt who gets a special part to themselves.

The big sin of this book might just be too many good ideas. There’s a lot of characters, they all do cool stuff, but we have like 200 pages, so there wasn’t enough time to do anything with all these guys. I got lost about who was who like 80 times because they’re basically all sneaky hot magic guys. One of them smokes and is a soldier and he seems chill. 

There’s a vampire and he gets a scene and a long intro that reads more like a wiki page. Like it was interesting but you would have lost NOTHING cutting him as a character except that he was cool. You never ever believe that he was the bad guy because it’s super well established in the Certified Back Story that he could give two shits about the politics of the humans. He’s there bc he’s an adorably young vampire who is very curious so his dad set him up as a powerful government agent as though it was enrolling him in a prep school. Love it, but again, we don’t.... need him around. 

There’s a lady who can walk through dreams and I thought she was going to be important based on the fanfare of her introduction but then we forget about her basically entirely. 

There’s a whole American wing that we also only see anything interesting about in side story. Basically the world building is really good. Like pretty superb to be honest. But it’s bracketing a story that is nothing so it makes even good characters seems really random. And that bring us to:

Part 3: My Darling, Gestalt. My Type. My Weakness. What a Sad Little Thing You Are (Also misogyny)

Alright... if the rest of this review wasn’t salty enough for you... let the salt begin. Gestalt. So named because of the word meaning larger than the sum of its parts. And so they were destined to be. And so they were most definitely not. So Gestalt’s whole thing is that they are one consciousness with four bodies. They can either control one body at a time and sort of shut the others down or they can control them all at once but that becomes harder if one of them requires more attention than another, like if one is in a fight. 

Two twins (men), one fraternal brother, and a sister. If anyone is thinking “uhoh, only one girl, hmm can Daniel handle that? Seems like maybe some Smurfette style misogyny-lite is coming,” you would be wrong. Super wrong. Because it is not misogyny-lite. It’s aggressive Fight-Me-In-A-Perkins-Parking-Lot misogyny. So go fuck yourself, Dan. 

Alright, so to number Gestalt’s sins. 

1. Scrape off some of that intro mustard.

They’re introduced in the LONGEST fucking passage I’ve ever read telling me that this dude is hard to talk to and weird. Like, I’m in an urban fantasy book already, I'm all set. Also... bitch SHOW ME they’re weird. Like can I see some interactions that give me second hand embarrassment??? No. It is actually never uncomfortable to talk to Gestalt. I only know that because people are super fucking rude about them. But it is never earned. So I don’t feel sympathy when people are like “Oh noooo you have to spend a car ride with Gestalt? Ewwwww sorry.” I’m just like, “What’s your fucking problem? They seem fine.” 

2. They’re supposed to be Bad At Planning but when?? 

Alright so there ARE times they’re bad at planning and we will GET TO THAT. But it’s only post-reveal like... what we are told during a monologue that they were dumb as shit. And that wasn’t even like not being good w/ details like it’s implied they are, it’s literally like doing dumb ass stuff. And it felt more like my bud Dan didn’t have a good handle on why stuff was dumb as rain than Gestalt being silly. 

Also.... this is a stupid use of this sort of character. They’re dumb and bad at planning??? THEY’RE A JOINT CONSCIOUSNESS why would you waste that making them “Good at kicking ass.” ugh. Fine. 

3. They get sidelined IMMEDIATELY 

So a guy named Pumice Stone or Kettle or Lil boy Bad At This or something outs that Gestalt is working with the Grafters because he like.... wasn’t paying attention. It was boring. But anyway so they capture two of the bodies and then stop addressing Gestalt until the end. They have one weird scene where the protagonist like.... freaks them out but ok. Fine. Why is Gestalt so Yelly. Why are so many villains in this book yelly. Ew. 

4. The REVEAL MONOLOGUE. 

I know this is a long ass review already. But my Feelings Must be Heard. So in the end when Conrad surprises no one but “smart” Myfanwy that he was the bad guy, we also get a reveal from the surviving Gestalt bodies that:

a. There’s an incest baby

b. They’re afraid of death

c. They’re so phenomenally stupid I have lost all interest in them

So... this is where the misogyny comes in. I’ll note here that the only time we interact w/ Eliza, the special girl body, is when she takes a carried to Hogwarts the super secret magic school with Myfanwy and she doesn’t do anything except we get the internal note that she’s like... gained weight. This is the misogyny-lite we expect. (And no, Dan, you don't get any points bc a female character is the only pleased she got pudgy bc YOU wrote the female character so we’re all set there.)

And then we discover that the weird blonde (lol oh yeah they’re all hot blondes) baby that Conrad “Evil Austin Powers” British-Last-Name has with his weird wife is actually a Gestalt body that Eliza had after she boned down with her other body who is genetically a brother and consciously herself. 

K. Ok. I have. Ok. Alright. Daniel. Ok. 

SUBPART A: My Feelings about Gestalt: Oh Eliza, my darling, my dear, would that I could bring you Justice

So after Eliza is shot dead one of the interchangeable boy bodies of Gestalt yells at Myfanwy about how terrible that is bc it was the only body who could bear children so now THE HORROR they’ll die. 

For god’s fucking sake Daniel O’Malley. What the fuck is your goddamn problem. You LITERALLY wrote a Smurfette Syndrome character who is only important because she can have babies. She is literally just there to be a baby-box. What the fuck. Get fucking wrecked. Thank GOD Starz cut your program and fuck the Aurealis Awards for giving you an award for this fucking book. But they’re a sci-fi award so this is probably super progressive for them. I was pleasantly annoyed by the basic nature of this book until this part. Now I am just done with your content. This was more overtly sexist that Supernatural. So... real swing and a miss. 

ANYWAY FORTUNATELY this opens a whole new can of worms that I get to ruthlessly mock certified Basic Bitch Daniel O’Malley for. 

SubPart 2: Gestalt Raises Interesting Philosophical Questions Daniel Isn’t Smart Enough to Address

So, remember, I would have cut this dude more slack if he didn’t do that to Eliza. Gestalt, to be honest, this whole review is dedicated to what you Could Have Been. 

Interesting Questions or Comments We Could Have Asked:

Does having a baby being one of five of your bodies affect your consciousness? That thing doesn’t have object permanence? Is there like an intellectual cost to having another baby body? No, we don’t care. I think we just had there be a baby bc “Weird sister-sex” was as interesting as Daniel could get. Side Note: The obvious question of “lol haha lol is it incest or mAsTurBation is not going to be addressed here bc it is literally too boring to consider)

Does having a body who textually is said to have post-partum depression affect your joint consciousness? If not, why bring it up?? Bc she has “weird lady disease” is that why???

Are they....afraid of death????? Why didn’t you ever bring this up? Why have they showed only excitement at the prospect of very dangerous fights up to this point? Why are all four bodies in the field. 

WHY ARE ALL FOUR BODIES IN THE FIELD. Ok so here is one of those points that is definitely stupid but stupid in a dumb as dirt way. If you were afraid to lose your baby-box body, why would you send her into battle? 

Why didn’t they freeze a bunch of her eggs? In fact, why did she bear it at all? Why put your one female body that you only want for babies through that sort of danger? Canonically they all get paid an absurd amount and Gestalt is paid for each body, they can afford a surrogate.  

Why let a weird dude who is at best contemptuous of you raise your baby body? Why wouldn’t you want to do that? Doesn’t that give him a huge amount of leverage over you? 

Is the quality fo Gestalt’s form destined to decline if genetically they can only make more bodies by full genetic sibling offspring? Does that scare them? Again... does their physical brain affect their consciousness? 

If so... maybe that would be a good reason for them to want to join up with the Grafters who are way ahead in genetic research and engineering. 

ANYWAY Gestalt is sexist as shit and boring as hell and had SO MUCH WEIRD POTENTIAL. 

In summary: It was definitely fun but Fuck you, Daniel O’Malley 

[anais-mitchell]

Hamilton Angelica Tour in Atlanta, 6/2/18 Evening

So, this was my first time EVER seeing Hamilton and being the extra person I am I had to document all my thoughts so I could remember everything I loved and share it with others! The cast was the full Angelica cast with Edred Utomi as Hamilton and Karli Dinardo as Peggy/Maria. Putting this review under a read more because it is LONG. If anyone has any specific questions about cast members or songs feel free to ask!

We were seated in left orchestra, and while there was no obstructed view there were moments where characters (often Eliza for some reason) were either blocked by someone else or had their back to us.

(I also credit the structure of these rambles to @fourteenacross whose Hamilton reviews are always so well thought out and insightful 💙)

Alexander Hamilton: I nearly passed out when I heard that first note. But this is just such a good introductory number, everyone played their parts very well. The staging is unique and beautiful and when the ensemble all sang together towards the end I felt it in my soul. The “me? I....” part was as striking as expected.

Aaron Burr, Sir: I could tell from the get-go Edred and Nicholas had awesome chemistry as Hamilton and Burr. The bursar lines were really funny. Edred seemed very deflated in his little “ha” after Burr’s advice. The squad introductions were predictably fun and Chris Lee’s dancing is a godsend.

My Shot: I lovedddd Edred in this song. He had so much energy with the squad and was very determined as Hamiton should be!!! Chris’s delivery of “anarchy” will never fail to crack me up, and Chaundre’s coat flip was awesome. Ruben got the crowd so pumped on the “rise up” bit which is one of my FAVORITE parts of the show. But my favorite part of this song was definitely Edred. He had a great little nervous “oh am I talking too loud?” and his “I imagine death” was so vulnerable and convincing. I loved seeing the sisters in the wings, I’m not sure if this was intentional but I almost saw Julia kinda staring longingly at Ham? Foreshadowing? Or me looking too much into things? Who knows?

The Story of Tonight: Edred and Ruben both have lovely singing voices which made this a 10/10 number. The camaraderie felt so real and it’s just such a sweet little number that I adore.

The Schuyler Sisters: All around so much fun. Karli’s Peggy wasn’t as pouty as some of my favorites but she was still very cute and got some laughs. Nicholas had a very funny delivery of “your daddy’s got money.” They all sounded amazing and had awesome energy!! But one of my favorite dumb details in this show is Eliza’s facial expressions during Angelica’s roast and downsides of being pretty far left, Burr was completely blocking Eliza from my frame of vision :(( still, overall great number and Sabrina especially slayed!

Farmer Refuted: Really funny. Edred’s Ham was so frustrated with this tiny guy because “he’s WRONG and I’m RIGHT and I need to SHOW HIM.” Lafayette distracting Burr in the back was a great detail as well.

You’ll Be Back: I thought this was done well, but honestly it might have been my least favorite king song of the show because he didn’t have many funny moments until the back half of the song. He did this growl on “and ever” that was hilarious, but to me the funniest part was the ensemble scurrying out SO QUICKLY when he called them and following his dance moves. 

Redcoat transition got some audible gasps.

Right Hand Man: The beginning of this song where the Schuyler sisters and ensemble sing at the front of the stage then quickly run away is just one of my favorite little details of the show. Such captivating and almost haunting choreography. Carvens has AMAZING stage presence and such a powerful voice!! His Washington was so frustrated with everything and very authoritative. The cannon “BOOM”s were so loud in the theater and really brought you into the scene. Nicholas had a very funny delivery of “from a distance.” I loved loved loved the Schuyler sisters harmonizing in the wings as well.

A Winter’s Ball: This was the first of many moments where Nicholas used obviously fake cheeriness to cover up how annoyed Burr was with Hamilton to AMAZING effect. Chris looked so put out when Hamilton pushed him aside lmao. And I totally missed the faces of the guys towards the end bc I was watching Angelica and Eliza like YES THOSE ARE MY GIRLS. Whoops.

Helpless: Ahhh this was just so CUTE. You could actually hear Julia smiling through some lines, her Eliza was so smitten and pleading w Angelica. Edred and Julia had fantastic chemistry and you could so feel the love between them. Julia had a wonderfully “wtf” reaction to “Angelica tried to take a bite of me.” Also, I owe my life to all her riffs. She has such a lovely vibrant voice that reverberated through the theater so well.

Satisfied: This is my favorite song in the whole show and Sabrina did not disappoint. First of all, seeing the “rewind” bit live is SO COOL. I loved that Sabrina genuinely played it as feeling a real emotional and romantic connection to Hamilton but also was so protective of Eliza and knew she couldn’t have him. She was the perfect blend of Angelica’s stoicism and emotion. And oh god THE BRIDGE. That scene where it’s just Angelica, Eliza, and Hamilton on stage and Angelica looks absolutely gutted as she delivers the “at least...” part and Eliza has this huge smile.... ugh just rip my heart out. No fancy riffs in the end but she did it well. Sabrina’s ending was heartbreaking and the staging w Angelica totally alone on stage was :((( I want to hug her. Fun tidbit: when Eliza and Burr are dancing, Burr was doing this SUPER dorky dance I can’t even explain and Eliza had the funniest look on her face.

The Story of Tonight (Reprise): They were all v drunk and silly and I loved it. Literally any scene Lafayette was in, Chris Lee was doing all kinds of weird dance moves that cracked me up. When Laurens was teasing Burr about Theodosia, Mulligan came up behind Burr and did this huge exaggerated thrusting motion that had me DYING. Edred’s “oh shit” was everything. In the final few lines after Hamilton said “what are you waiting for?”, Nicholas did this little almost resentful laugh that was like, “you could never understand.” Such a great dichotomy between these two characters and the actors did it so well.

Wait For It: First of all, Nicholas has an incredible voice and great stage presence and he rocked this number. I was fully captivated. Also, he got some laughs on “I’m keeping the bed warm while her husband is away” and “Theodosia she’s mine” which I’ve never heard laughs on? However, he had a REALLY BAD line flub that made me cringe but he recovered well. In the bridge part, he lowkey started singing the lyrics to The Word Was Wide Enough and then had like 5 seconds of silence before catching it again YIKES. But he made up for it doubly by going SO HARD on the final chorus w amazing emotion and intensity. You so felt Burr’s philosophy and wanted to root for him so badly. Loved it.

Stay Alive: I absolutely loved the little bit with the Bullet just skirting over Hamilton at the beginning. Robbie Nicholson’s Charles Lee was SO ANNOYING. It was perfect. The instrumentals of this number are superb as well. I really enjoyed Eliza and Angelica's presence in the balcony as well, Julia riffed a little bit on the “stay alive”s and it sounded very good. The Lams moment at the end was subtle but definitely there.

Ten Duel Commandments: I just really enjoy the staging of this song and the use of the turntable. I know I keep talking about the minute deliveries of Nicholas’s Burr, but THEY WERE SO GOOD. His “can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?” and “okay so we’re doing this” were just comic gold.

Meet Me Inside: INTENSE. Carvens basically bellowed his first “meet me inside.” Edred was super argumentative and pissed up until “call me son one more time” where he realized he messed up. Carvens “go home” was very firm but not yelled or whispered.

That Would Be Enough: Julia is a star. This number was just all kinds of cute, she was super touchy and physically affectionate with him and they really tugged on my heartstrings. Also she had one of my favorite touches that Solea did where she holds her belly on “and we could be enough” and her final “enoughhhh” had such a nice vibrato. The ending pose warmed my heart. Such a touching little song.

Guns and Ships: I LOVE CHRIS LEE!!!! His rapping was very crisp even with the accent and he had hella energy. His Lafayette was so eager and energetic. Something you don’t see in bootlegs is how COOL the choreography of passing Washington’s letter to Hamilton is. The Hamliza goodbye was very sweet, Edred touched her belly and she looked very sad.

History Has Its Eyes On You: Carvens has such a captivating and strong singing voice. All the harmonies of the ensemble and the ensemble singing together were transcendent.

Yorktown: Hi again I still love Chris Lee. It felt really good to clap for “immigrants, we get the job done.” You could really feel Edred’s emotion on the part about Eliza and his energy throughout the number was amazing. Jennifer Geller was mesmerizing as the bullet and I adored her part with Ruben. Mulligan’s rap WENT HARD Chaundre really brought it. Also I would like to reiterate my love for Carvens his “not yet” was so powerful!!! That emphasis!! I have never felt more alive than when the entire ensemble was singing at the end and all the chants. Another hidden gem of this number: on the second “the world turned upside down,” I could CLEARLY hear Raven Thomas doing a lil riff and it was much appreciated I was kinda sad to not see her as a sister.

What Comes Next?: This was funny. 

Dear Theodosia: Nicholas and Edred had gorgeous harmonies together. A lovely and simple number that worked so well with the two of them.

Laurens Interlude: OUCH. Between Hamilton, Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan I didn’t even know who to look at. Hamilton looked so gutted, he was gripping the chair and just seemed devastated. Laf and Herc were in the balcony reading the letters and Lafayette gave a little salute and Mulligan just took a drink. Ruben had a very mournful and sad delivery and the stare between him and Edred towards the end was just heart wrenching. They definitely played up Lams in this scene.

Non Stop: I seriously love this number. Edred and Nicholas play so well off of each other. Edred had awesome energy and totally internalized the whole persistence and blind determination of Hamilton in this number. I completely missed his little flourish on “I practically perfected it” tho FOR VALID REASON and that reason was Nicholas delivering the line “he’s just non stop” with the ensemble through gritted teeth and a fake ass smile which was PRICELESS. Nicholas’s “okay” after “you’re a better lawyer than me” was really high pitched and funny. After Hamilton left, Burr like chased him down during “I’ll keep all my plans close to my chest” and it seemed like Burr was just desperately trying to prove to Hamilton that MY WAY OF DOING THINGS IS JUST AS GOOD AS YOURS, one of many excellent little character moments Nicholas threw in bless him. Edred and Sabrina had excellent chemistry in that tiny bit, his long stare at her was painful. “The other 51!!!” was just as emphatic as I could have hoped for. Julia’s “Alexander... AlexANDER” was pissed and I loved it, the final 30 seconds were beautiful. Julia has amazing riffs that sound so clear even when the whole ensemble is singing. Edred’s last “I am not throwing away my shot!!” was so LOUD lmao what an amazing number though it was a perfect Act 1 closer.

What’d I Miss?: After seeing Act 1, I knew Chris’s Jefferson would just be above and beyond, and I was so not disappointed. @ontheupandupagain said something in her tags the other day that he has such a good singing voice in this song AND HE REALLY DOES, his voice is like silk. But the acting was just invariably hilarious. His best scenes as Jefferson were playing off of Chaundre’s Madison though. Chaundre coughed into his hand and then shook Chris’s hand with it and his face was just like, “what the fuck dude?” and I thought it was SO FUNNY. He also did so much crazy stuff with his extra af coat which I loved.

Cabinet Battle #1: This was highkey the funniest number in the show. Chris and Chaundre had so many tiny little flourishes that had me in stitches. Ex. Chris getting ALLL in Edred’s face, Chris dropping the mic and Chaundre trying to pick it up but fanning it like it was too hot, Chaundre being so offended by “getting high with the French” that he literally shoved an ensemble member out of their chair and had to fan himself, them delivering “you don’t have the votes” with dance moves in PERFECT synchronization. Ugh so good. Edred was really good in this too, his mimicking of Jefferson’s dance moves was hilarious and he went v hard in his bit. After Jefferson and Madison left, he was very indignant w Washington like “I’m right!!! Listen to me!!!”

Take a Break: Julia and Ruben were very cute. Philip was tapping his legs like a little kid while playing the piano which was very in character. I thought Ruben’s Philip rap was very good! He was nervous until like the last two lines and then had such a funny victorious run up the stairs. But again, left orchestra probs, Edred was totally blocking my view of Julia beatboxing :( And god bless Edred for having equal amounts of chemistry with both Sabrina and Julia. The “my dearest Angelica” hits you right in the heart and Sabrina was almost fearfully hopeful but then dismissed it right away. Julia and Sabrina had awesome harmonies, and the bit where Angelica tried to go after him and Eliza stops her will never not hurt me.

Say No To This: Edred was very actively narrating to the audience in the beginning so you could definitely tell everything Maria did was through his retelling. His first “show me how to say no to this” got laughs which was kinda weird. One part of his performance that was so unique was that his “fuuuuu-” was very exasperated and funny more than downright shocked and horrified. Karli definitely played Maria as more of a victim too, she looked so panicked during the middle bit. Her “stay” note was AWESOME. One bit that tugged at the heartstrings was after James Reynolds clipped his whip thing, she stared at Hamilton very longingly and it almost seemed like a cry for help. I really liked the way all of them did this number.

The Room Where It Happens: Okay so this was definitely the best performance of the whole show. Hands down. Nicholas ran the gamut of Burr’s emotions from frustration to anger to horror to unbridled ambition. I can’t even really comment on Chris, Chaundre, or Edred because of how captivating Nicholas was. One touch I really liked was when Jefferson and Madison were planning for the meeting, Burr was aggressively pointing at them to the audience like “look at them!!! look how corrupt they are!!!” But yeah he tore that ending up on Leslie and Josh levels. There was huge applause MIDWAY THROUGH THE ENDING. He went so so so hard, literally slamming on the floor in just an unhinged state of finally letting go of his calculated demeanor. Such a huge shift for Burr and a showstopper in every sense of the word. Ugh I have chills just remembering it.

Schuyler Defeated: “They don’t like you” was delivered to great effect. Burr was almost nagging Hamilton towards the end as Hamilton walked away. These two just really had endlessly great chemistry.

Cabinet Battle #2: Very good all around. They were both super frustrated, and all the typical funny lines were very funny. I think Edred could have gone a just a little bit harder on “you must be out of your goDDAMN MIND” but hey that’s a very minute complaint. Chris got all up in his face for “Daddy’s calling.”

Washington On Your Side: Jefferson’s “wtf” face when Burr shows up will never not amuse me. And Chaundre’s “which I wrote!” was so indignant. They were all very calculating through the whole number and the crescendo of the song pumped me up so hard. 11/10 guys.

One Last Time: This was my favorite number Carvens did by far. His Washington was very desperate to have let a good impact on his country but in a very different way than Hamilton is. Edred’s reactions to all the different bits, especially “Jefferson started it,” were great. And I’d be lying if I said the ending didn’t draw some tears to my eyes, Carvens has such a powerful voice and this song is so cathartic.

I Know Him: I enjoyed it. The lines that are usually funny were funny.

The Adams Administration: Nicholas almost broke because of the king bouncing, but he kept it together. The “sit down” bit was predictably very funny. i loved how conniving Jefferson, Burr, and Madison were at the end, especially how Chris said “let’s let him know, what we know.”

We Know: Hamilton was kinda dismissive when he first said “Secretary Jefferson” but slowly realized something was up by “what is this?” He was very frantic to discredit their accusations. Chris’s “my God” was so disgusted and he was on such a high horse it was HILARIOUS. It totally reminded me of Gina Linetti high horsing Amy in the Season 1 B99 Thanksgiving episode, it was that good. Also, Eliza and Philip in the balcony was a subtle but heartbreaking touch.

Hurricane: I would literally die for the staging, lighting, and choreography of this song. Some of the light changes just hit you straight in the heart and all the choreography with the ensemble holding the chairs is so good. As for the actual performance, I think Edred was the perfect balance between Lin’s quieter emotions and Michael’s almost rage like intense emotions. He got kinda choked up at the part about his mother which ouch. Edred just had a lovely voice too which really shone through in this song.

The Reynolds Pamphlet: This song is EXPLOSIVE live. Chris was so thrilled and Edred was so defensive. Philip was so upset seeing the pamphlet. And oh god, when Angelica showed up Hamilton was so relieved but she yanked away so quickly and she genuinely seemed pained to do so. She was so so hurt and angry, she almost looked on the verge of tears because she had sacrificed so much for him and Eliza and he just threw it away. She almost spit out “god I hope you’re satisfied” into his face and raised a finger in his face, it looked like she could hit him. Rather than staying in his face like Renee did, Sabrina was so angry she left right away. And the dancing in the middle of the stage was definitely the funniest thing the king did.

Burn: UGHHHHH MY HEART. First of all, Julia’s voice is just beautiful on its own. But she really brought the emotion in this. She was so devastated and betrayed, and the fact that she played Eliza as so utterly in love with Hamilton before just really fucked me up. She barely choked out the “I’m” after the long pause. Her ending was super angry though but it was all anger coming from real sadness and hurt. After her final line, she did this little choked sob that just put the nail in my coffin of love for Eliza. This whole song I was just fully engrossed and probably had my mouth just hanging wide open.

Blow Us All Away: I whispered “oh no” to my dad at the beginning of this. Ruben’s Philip was so confident and idealistic and the father/son scene just made you want to scream at Hamilton. Little observation, Eacker’s cape is so swooshy and the actor was playing around with it so much. But yeah this Eacker seemed so much older than Ruben’s Philip and there was a definite power imbalance. Ruben seemed really nervous right before :( and oh god, when he shot on seven my heart just dropped to my stomach because WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. The whole theater gasped.

Stay Alive (Reprise): :(((( Edred’s Hamilton was so panicked and desperate. You could tell he really internalized it when Philip said “I did exactly what you said Pop” and was horrified that this was partially his fault. And Julia just ran out with tears already in her eyes and it was just over for me. She was so motherly and you could tell this was just her worst fear of something bad happening to her son. Ruben didn’t expressly play it like he was dying but he definitely seemed terrified and in pain and didn’t have the Musical Theatre Death Smile which thank god. You could hear a pin drop when the heartbeat stopped, and Julia did a version of the scream that was more like a sob but wow I was in pain. And she yanked that hand away from Hamilton so quickly. It was like she felt he didn’t deserve to mourn with her.

It’s Quiet Uptown: My god, what an intimate and beautiful piece of theatre. I cried which was a given. But really, between Hamilton, Angelica, Eliza, and the ensemble, the grief is so raw and powerful. There are some staging bits I never noticed before, like the ensemble kneeling and doing the sign of the cross during the lines about church. Edred was SO CHOKED UP during some lines. You could just feel how much regret he felt and how he realized how much he’s messed up everything. His delivery of “and you would smile, and that would be enough” was particularly gut wrenching. Sabrina’s voice was beautiful and so sympathetic in this song too which just added to all the poignancy. And then UGH. When Julia’s Eliza took his hand she was just so tired and relieved and devastated. Edred was audibly sobbing (so was I.) This scene is just the perfect encapsulation of the unconditional love Hamilton and Eliza had for each other and Edred and Julia’s performance was just so :(((

The Election of 1800: Chris Lee dramatically saying “Can we get back to politics?” and Chaundre Hall-Broomfield saying “Please?” through tears is really just the best way to get an audience full of crying people to laugh. Burr was SO FAKE during this song I loved it. His reactions to the voters was priceless, and when he greeted Hamilton with “Alexander!” he had such a fake ass smile and exclamation with his arms spread out for a hug; it was GOLDEN. Edred was so emphatic when he said “Burr has none” and Nicholas seemed so personally betrayed. And of course, the ending was flawless. Burr was trying so hard to go back into his cheery public persona but Jefferson just wanted nothing to do with him.

Your Obedient Servant: Burr was LIVID at the beginning of this song. Nicholas had such a great buildup to his anger. The back and forth between the two was just so good through the whole song and they hit the comedic bits right on. But the actual challenge part was very “shit’s about to go down.” 

Best of Wives, Best of Women: They were such a good Hamliza pair :( so soft, so in love, so pure. 

The World Was Wide Enough: Both Nicholas and Edred were just on their A-game for this song. It seemed like Nicholas, for the first half, was really trying to justify to the audience that he was doing the right thing and that Hamilton was a bad person who deserved this. His “this man will not make an orphan of my daughter” was heart wrenching. And props to Jennifer Geller for being a fantastic Bullet, especially in this song. Edred’s monologue was so mesmerizing; every word was delivered with purpose and you really got the vibe that he just wanted more time. And I truly think that “rise up, Eliza!” and then “my love, take your time; I’ll see you on the other side” is one of the most emotionally impactful moments in the whole show. My heart just stopped. My heart also stopped on the shot because woww ouch. You could instantly feel Burr’s regret and just overall thought of “what did I just do?” Angelica and Eliza looked so sad when they came out. The final bit, with Burr alone in the middle of the stage and Hamilton looking down on him from the balcony, and then the light going out on Hamilton is just genius direction. Nicholas had a really dramatic pause on “for Hamilton and.... me.”

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: The instrumentals of this song alone make me tear up. Sabrina was so fierce coming out for her part and I loved it. And then was Julia came out as Eliza I was just a mess. “I live another 50 years” was delivered particularly well. She was so frantic trying to ensure she had done everything, and then there was that moment of beautiful clarity with the orphanage. God bless Julia K. Harriman and God bless Eliza Hamilton. The ending with Hamilton and Eliza was absolutely breathtaking and the perfect final moment of their love, and Julia’s gasp was everything.

Edred Utomi as Hamilton: I will admit, I was a little bummed to be missing Austin Scott as I’ve heard great things about him. But I was so impressed by Edred! He had killer chemistry with Julia, Sabrina, Nicholas, Ruben, Chris, Carvens, Karli and basically everyone with whom he interacted. His singing and rapping voices were both equally good. I did prefer his Act 2 to his Act 1 though as I think he was more comfortable and really thrived in some of the more emotional numbers i.e. It’s Quiet Uptown in which he absolutely destroyed me. I really have no complaints, he did everything a great Hamilton needs to do and was such a nice guy at stage door. I hope he gets a lot more opportunities to go on in the future and maybe even a principal role in a company.

Julia K. Harriman as Eliza: I was so excited to see Julia as she was amazing in First Burn and the audios I’ve heard of her. Her journey as Eliza was so heartbreaking because she was genuinely so in love with Hamilton and was so betrayed and sad by the events of Act 2 :( she was a very good mix of an angry Eliza and a sad Eliza but she conveyed her  inner strength so well. I can’t even pick a favorite number for her because she wowed me in every song she sang. Plus, her voice is just out of this world and I would love to hear her do some recording in the future.

Nicholas Christopher as Burr: If you couldn’t tell from my review, his Burr was one of the best parts of the show. This role suits him perfectly and he was able really make you sympathize with Burr. It’s such a complex role to play and he did it with aplomb; he had a very distinct difference between Burr’s almost corny fake public persona and his inner ambition and drive. His final verse of Wait for It and his entire Room were religious experiences, plus he was so emotionally impactful in The World Was Wide Enough. I also loved that his Burr was so funny! Burr is usually not a comedic role but he had a much more subtle humor than the characters who are explicitly played for laughs and he had me cracking up. He had so many little moments of characterization that made the payoff in the end that much more worth it. He is now right up there with my all time favorite Burrs and I would kill to see him again.

Sabrina Sloan as Angelica: I knew of Sabrina before she was cast because of her run as Vanessa in ITH, and I was super excited as she was a Vanessa I really enjoyed. She so did not disappoint. I feel like the role of Angelica is being turned into a mostly “sassy” role and sassy can sometimes cross into bitchy or straight up unlikable, but Sabrina really made you feel all of Angelica’s emotions and that is exactly the kind of actress that my favorite character deserves. I obviously loved her in Satisfied because that song is the very thesis of Angelica as a character, but she was also so good in Reynolds Pamphlet and Take a Break. In the gran scheme of the play, Angelica does not get that much to do despite being one of the most well written and complex characters imo, but Sabrina forced you to be so invested in Angelica and feel her every feeling. I adored her.

Carvens Lissaint as Washington: Superb. For those of you who don’t know, Carvens used to tour as a poet before musical theatre and that honestly helped his performance so much. He knew exactly what words to emphasize to punch you right in the gut; his “not yet” was seriously so good how does one make two words so powerful. He has all the gravitas of CJack and has a very gospel-esque voice that he put to WORK in One Last Time. I was so thrilled to see him in this role and I can only wonder what his Burr and Laf/Jeff were like on Broadway.

Chris Lee as Lafayette/Jefferson: THE ACTUAL STAR OF THE SHOW. Listen I am a person who gets very annoyed by the emphasis of Jefferson as a character over the females and Burr in the fandom but god Chris Lee is a revelation I am so sad he is leaving but infinitely glad I was able to see him. Everything he did was so funny. In Act 1, if you looked in the background of any scene he was doing these little body roll dance moves and in Act 2 he just had this super jazzy and unbothered swagger when he walked which were both amazing. His singing is also super underrated as this is not a singing heavy part but he riffed all over the place in What’d I Miss and Story of Tonight. All of his little flourishes in the Cabinet Battles were just golden and he played so well off of Chaundre and Edred. Definitely my favorite Laf/Jeff so far.

Rubén J. Carbajal as Laurens/Philip: He has a man bun now! I enjoyed him more than I thought I would. I wasn’t particularly wowed by him in the bootleg but seeing him live was different. This role is really small but I think it can be one of the best parts of the show when really done well, and while I don’t think Ruben reached that level, he definitely didn’t fall into some of the tropes I really dislike for that character like the smiley death scene or the complete lack of chemistry between Laurens and Hamilton. (Seriously, the boy is 19 and dying I will never understand why some performers insist on making it seem like he’s all mature about it Philip should be TERRIFIED it irks me.)

Chaundre Hall-Broomfield as Mulligan/Madison: I thought he was awesome. His Mulligan was very brash and booming like Oak’s which I liked, and he went really hard during the Yorktown rap. His Madison was FANTASTIC against Chris’s Jefferson. He was such a sweet guy at the stage door too.

Karli Dinardo as Peggy/Maria: She was announced as an understudy right before the show started and she was good! She didn’t really wow me but it’s such a small part I was satisfied with what she did. I preferred her Maria to her Peggy because she was able to add some emotional nuance to the character. She has a really nice voice so that helped. It would have been cool to see Isa but I’m not disappointed, I thought Karli’s performance was super well done.

Peter Matthew Smith as King George III: Good! All King George’s blend together for me honestly but he was funny.

Ensemble: Every moment where the entire company sang together was heavenly and filled the theater so perfectly. The choreography of this whole show is just so great and they were all amazing dancers and added so much to every scene they were in. Appreciate ensemble 2kforever. Jennifer Geller was an excellent bullet and really drew your eye in every scene. Like I said before, Raven’s voice really stood out in some parts which I loved.

Stagedoor: It was kinda awkward because nobody really cheered or anything when the cast came out? But everyone was really nice. Julia, Chaundre, Karli, Edred, and Robbie Nicholson all came out and were super nice and took pictures. I was next to a little girl and they were all so sweet to her. Chaundre passed out flyers for their BCEFA event on Monday too which was cool. When Edred came out someone next to me said they cried and Edred was like “me too!” lol. But there was one girl next to me who was pushing and kept calling the male cast members “dad” and asking when Chris would come out which ugh. We left after Edred bc our ride was there and I think Chris came out after him bc I could hear cheering down the street rip.

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading my rambles, I enjoyed it so much and couldn’t ask for a better first Hamilton cast! It went above my sky-high expectations and I cannot wait until I get another chance to see it, whenever in the future that may be.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 21/11/2020 (Billie Eilish)

I’ve got an easy week ahead of me since nothing happened this week. Okay, that’s a lie because there are some big stories here but we only have six new arrivals, meaning that this might be a shorter episode and honestly I’m glad. We’ve had immensely busy weeks since I started this show, full of album bombs from 21 Savage, Ariana Grande and Headie One, bizarre new entries from years ago like “Train Wreck” or “All Girls are the Same”, interesting and intriguing new arrivals ranging from Clairo to Giggs and most importantly, a lot of comical mediocre garbage from D-Block Europe. This week, however, I’ve got half of my usual bargain bin of pop music and whilst some of these songs are notable and worth talking about... well, you’ll see. “positions” by Ariana Grande is spending a fourth week at #1. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Firstly, let’s run through the drop-outs, most of which are inconsequential considering this is a slow breather week between two massive ones – BTS are coming next, folks, and bringing Megan Thee Stallion with them. I think our most notable losses is how absolutely everything from Kylie Minogue, the Kid LAROI and even dutchavelli is completely gone here, including “Cool with Me” with M1llionz, the actual single from the record. I guess we can say goodbye to the top 10 hit “Breaking Me” by Topic and A75, as well as the drop off of one 2020’s biggest #1 hits, “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande – we can wish a perhaps premature farewell to “Jerusalema” by Master KG and Nomcebo Zikode while we’re here. The bigger stories probably lie with our returns, many of which are peaking or returning to their peak like “Sofia” by Clairo at #75, “All Girls are the Same” by the late Juice WRLD at #73 and “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #71. The Christmas songs have also started flooding in, one of which is a new arrival that we’ll talk about later, but so far we just have the controversial classic “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl returning to #63, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! – the biggest #2 of all time – back at #44 and already, on November 21st, more than a month before the big day, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey moving up to the top 40 at #30. I don’t see much competition that’ll block this from #1 this year. Also, speaking of all this holiday music, “Holiday” by Little Mix returns at #36 thanks to silly UK chart rules that meant it was traded off with “Happiness” from last week. I’ve already reviewed all of these songs – or close enough to all of them – but one I haven’t reviewed is “Yes Sir, I Can Boogie” by Baccara returning to #57 as it becomes the new Scottish football anthem. You know, that Spanish disco track from 1977. It did hit #1 that year, but this is such a bizarre return I felt the need to talk about it... but, never mind, I think I should take advantage of having less on my plate this week. In terms of fallers and climbers, “Straight Murder (Giggs & David)” by, you guessed it, Giggs and Dave, dropped out of its top 40 debut to just #56 this week, joining the biggest faller, “Dynamite” by BTS, presumably having its streaming cut or just finally running out of the K-pop steam, dropping from #21 to #52. Other songs backing away from the top 40 include “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST at #49, “Confetti” by Little Mix at #42 and “Loading” by Central Cee at #41. What worries me is there’s not much that seems to be replacing it, other than maybe “Plugged in Freestyle” by Fumez the Engineer and A92 at #45 or our biggest climber, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #30. It should also be noted that strangely, the album at #1 on the Album Charts has no presence in the UK Top 75 – which I review because, really, who cares about those last 25 songs? – probably because of how many physical albums were sold instead of digital sales and streaming. It’s an AC/DC album so it’s expected that the audiences who stream songs and buy CDs from Australian rock legends don’t overlap, even with a big lead single that nearly charted on the US Hot 100. Well, let’s talk about the songs that DID debut finally, starting with... the revenge of the Sith.

NEW ARRIVALS

#65 – “Cut Me Off” – Yxng Bane featuring D-Block Europe

Produced by DZL and Akeel

The music I’ve been listening to has been pretty much all over the place recently, ranging from 1990s drum and bass to McAlmont & Butler to bitcrushed hyperpop to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin to... Young Thug, for some reason. That’s part of the reason I like doing REVIEWING THE CHARTS. It keeps me grounded to what music is actually popular, important and what I should be looking out for. With that said, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to look out for D-Block Europe, but they keep on popping up on the chart week after week regardless. Well, a collaboration between these two is never unexpected; after all, they have an entire album together, which has sometimes confused me since Yxng Bane has always been a smoother Afrobeats crooner whilst D-Block Europe make stiff, comical trap-adjacent emptiness type beats... whatever that means. The collaboration, I have to say, actually works and I’ll admit, I’m actually pretty fond of this track. It’s got a pretty minimal beat off of mostly dancehall percussion, sparse vocal samples and bass, but it picks up a lot of groove during the chorus and whilst Yxng Bane isn’t exactly the most interesting frontman, he does ride the beat fine and his sing-songy flow is pretty damn catchy. He takes care of the first half of the song, before D-Block Europe even come in, and surprisingly, the first other voice we hear is Dirtbike LB. No, Dirtbike isn’t interesting but he sounds a lot more engaged than usual and he actually sounds mentally sound and happy, so that’s good, even if he rids the song of any of Yxng Bane’s subtlety. His flows are pretty solid, even if they are sometimes copped from NAV on “Lemonade”, oddly. This beat can also handle Young Adz’s fascination with leaving empty space in his verses, as he has some pretty complex melodic and triplet flows over the beat, which never loses its funk even when threatened with how awkward D-Block Europe tend to be, and that final flow Adz uses over the pumping 808s is smooth as all hell and actually has some swagger for once. He doesn’t say anything embarrassing and there’s actually some wordplay going on here, so I really can’t complain about this track as much as I wanted to. Will it stand up to replay? Maybe not, but this is pretty great actually and a massive improvement from all three of these dudes, although this may just be a fluke like “New Dior”. If these guys want to show more fluke brilliance from now on that would be great. Just saying.

#60 – “HOLIDAY” – Lil Nas X

Produced by Take a Daytrip and Tay Keith

I like Lil Nas X. I enjoy his fun social media presence and meme-heavy persona, which may grow old to a lot of folks but I still like seeing him pop up on my timeline. I admire how he is openly gay and not afraid to discuss that in his music especially when he has the impossible platform of “Old Town Road”, one of if not the biggest songs of all time. I’m intrigued by his willingness to blend genres and break down boundaries in styles of music from sound, presentation and even race, even if it loses him some points on actually developing said tracks, mostly ending up as demos – the initiative is there. However, on that last EP, and especially this song, his charisma is the driving force and I don’t think Nas can replicate the magic of even “Panini” without more than his natural, jovial and playful tone. To start off with the positives, I do like the cold, icy beat that fits with the vague, pretty false holiday theme here, and they are some nice little details like that wobbling synth-bass differing from typical distorted trap 808s, the background keys replicating the melody of the second chorus throughout, and even the morphing of the producer tags to form a sentence. Tay Keith took it to ten instead for this beat, I suppose, and it is a good fusion of the two production styles. The problem I have with this song is, unfortunately, Lil Nas X. His delivery is checked-out and bored, and that makes these hard-to-sell lyrics about his career both irrelevant to the ostensibly Christmas-themed song and just not convincing in the slightest.

I can’t even close my eyes and I don’t know why, I guess I don’t like surprises / I can’t even stay away from the game I play, they gon’ know us today, yeah

This is the chorus and he’s saying absolutely nothing here. It’s just rhyming words that would have fit for a demo but are produced with some robotic multi-tracking and engineering to make it sound professional but also dull and manufactured. Sure, the verses and pre-chorus have more depth but this type of self-aware flexing and snarky one-liners only works well when it doesn’t sound like it’s being played completely straight (No pun intended). The song and artist exhumes character and optimism but both the beat and Nas here sound sour, mean-spirited and almost ugly. Most of the throwaway pop culture references are pretty pointless and awkward as well, with some really awful lyrics.

Ayy, and I’m sexy, they want to sex me

I call redundancy, Your Honour. Oh, and what a pre-chorus. “Hee-hee, I’m bad as Michael Jackson”? In 2020? It’s not like I expected anything lyrically superb from Lil Nas X, but less filler and... unfortunate implications would have been fun. Man, I do want to like this song, and I’m excited for that “CALL ME BY YOUR NAME” track he continues to tease, but for now this doesn’t work as a Christmas single at all, unless your idea of the Winter holidays is joyless cynicism. Okay, well, maybe in 2020, that’ll work out for you but any other year, this wouldn’t cut it.

#59 – “A Little Love” – Celeste

Produced by Josh Crocker and Jamie Hartman

This song is an advertisement. So much of an advertisement in fact that the full name of the song is “A Little Love (From the John Lewis & Waitrose Christmas Advert 2020)”. The John Lewis company is a brand of high-end department stores across the British Isles and have become kind of an iconic Christmas tradition in the UK for their heart-warming but often fantasy-adjacent advertisements they release every November or so. It always comes with a song, sometimes original, sometimes a cover, and nearly always a dreary piano ballad. This year they enlisted BRIT Award winner and British soul newcomer Celeste but not even new blood and an original song written for the advert can make this sound anything resembling interesting. A lot of people thought this John Lewis advertisement was disappointing – I don’t have an opinion because I do not care about the quality of adverts. I also do not care about the quality of the song which I’m sure you can tell is very little. This advert becomes increasingly irrelevant as the years go on and not even Celeste’s pretty unique voice can make this anything more than dull and half-baked. I mean, it’s well-mixed, but so is nearly everything that charts. You really can’t say this is anything but a product that serves as promotion for another product. It’s no surprise this didn’t debut high because in 2020 – and really any year – people would and should want more than this. Hopefully this doesn’t coast off of the advert and become a hit because, I don’t know, it kind of sets a bad precedent. Maybe I’m just pretentious. Probably.

#43 – “Flavour” – Loski and Stormzy

Produced by Mike Elizondo and Steel Banglez

Last time we saw Loski, he was going for a threatening and menacing “bad guy” drill track, but now he’s making room for the ladies in that drug trafficking route, rapping over a smooth Afrobeats instrumental courtesy of Steel Banglez, who’s still around actually amongst the waves of rip-offs and producers courting his style for their own, and it’s just a hook-up jam where the guys mostly trade bars about girls. Of course, Stormzy gets the first verse, but with the deadpan delivery of both of these guys but especially Loski, the somewhat shoddy vocal mixing on Stormzy’s voice, I find myself caring so little about absolutely any of this. This beat is kind of distracting in how it mixes Eastern strings with Afrobeats rhythms, early 2010s dance music synths (the main synth pattern sounds as 2014 as possible) and trap skitters. The hook is barely existent, neither of the guys have chemistry or charisma here, not even Stormzy, and the song’s about two Loski verses too long. No, the lyrical content isn’t anything but vaguely cute, surprisingly inoffensive and shockingly lacking in misogyny for once, and I don’t expect it to be. Honestly, Stormzy name-dropping Everybody Loves Raymond is probably the highlight. I’m sure Ray Romano is beaming.

#7 – “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” – BBC Children in Need

Produced by Brian Rawling, Mark Taylor, Anoushka Shankar, Sheku Kanneh-Mason, Grace Chatto and BBC Concert Orchestra

When I did my Spring episode, I was met with a BBC Radio 1 cover of “Times Like These” by the Foo Fighters that was released to support the NHS workers during the COVID-19 pandemic and the first British lockdown. This “Live Lounge Allstars” single went to #1 and naturally, with a second lockdown we have a second single by a second BBC radio station with second-rate “Allstars”, which is probably why it’s just credited as BBC Children in Need this time. Oh, and for some reason, they credited every single BBC Child in Need on the Spotify page this time. Now last time we had you know, the actual Foo Fighters, as well as global superstars like Dua Lipa and Ellie Goulding, as well as Sean Paul, Rita Ora and members of Coldplay, alongside many, many others, all of which were or are relevant to this day. So for this second song, not only did they take an absolutely crap Oasis single from their early-mid-2000s years, way after they had stopped being worth listening to, and stripped it of any of its genuine orchestral backing and intriguing and iconic Liam Gallagher vocal deliveries. I’m not going to go in-depth like last time. It still butchers a classic, but a classic song I hate in the first place, just getting rid of any redeemable elements that Oasis still had in 2002, so I don’t care enough about the source material but really this is weak and boring, with questionable vocal mixing and unimpressive vocal performances from everyone involved. If you’re wondering who everyone involved is, it’s Izzy Bizu, Grace Chatto of Clean Bandit, Melanie C, Jamie Cullum, Ella Eyre, Paloma Faith, Rebecca Ferguson, Jess Glyne, LAUV, Ava Max, James Morrison, Gregory Porter, Nile Rodgers, Jack Savoretti, Anoushka Sankor, Robbie Williams and Yola... as well as some of the more bizarre additions, like Jay Sean riding high off of an uncredited sample of his hit last year, Kylie Minogue clearly only here to promote an album (In fact, that can sadly be said for most of the artists here), Lenny Kravitz and freaking CHER both being somehow completely unrecognisable, Goddamn Bryan Adams and KSI of all people, who doesn’t even get a rap verse like AJ Tracey and Sean Paul on the first cover. He’s just... there, I guess? None of these guys are in sync at all and the song was unremarkable in the first place but I can’t get mad at charity going to a good cause, even if all of these musicians could just cough up some of their own cash. I expect to see this fall dramatically next week.

#2 – “Therefore I Am” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

This, however, I predict will stick around. Billie Eilish bravely drops the lowercase for a brand new song – and maybe perhaps could possibly be a lead single – and it acts as an attack on the critics, particularly a response to all of the nonsense that has been thrown her way for being a confident young woman in the industry who decides she doesn’t want to conform to outrageous beauty standards set by the media. I think a very recent notable one was when she was photographed by paparazzi walking and looking like a completely normal 19-year-old woman (although, perhaps one with particularly vibrant hair dye) and was met with criticism from the news media and a lot of different narratives on social media, ranging from general body-shaming (which she already took a stance towards in March on her tour with a pretty cool short film) to weird professions of beauty when, no, she did not look like she was keeping up appearances and that is completely fine. That image displays a problem with how society holds celebrities and particularly women to a ridiculous fashion standard, even when they’re just walking from place to place, like they can’t look like your normal, ordinary, every-day adult woman, which, you know, they are. I think she really gets to that point when she says this:

Top of the world but your world isn’t real / Your world’s an ideal

Sadly, I think the rest of the song is rather underwritten and feels like a vague diss track towards critics, using arguments that really only apply when talking about cyberbullying and genuine toxic media press (which the UK knows well), and generalising them with all critics, making it seem like a human attack on mass-media corporations, which doesn’t really go down as well as she wants it to. The pre-chorus, chorus and even the second verse and bridge feel pretty underwhelming in terms of content too and whilst her carefree delivery is supposed to make the lines hit harder if anything it just weakens the blow. The minimal production from FINNEAS with a pretty nice 808 bass groove and distorted percussion, as well as a pretty piano flourish, does help to make this sound a bit less tired but honestly just makes Eilish seem out of place if anything, which isn’t true for anything else the two have made together, so I’m personally not a fan and think this is a rare miss for Billie and FINNEAS. I agree with the message, but this could have been executed in a much more impactful and aggressive way that would have made more of a point, in my opinion.

Conclusion

That’s not to say that the song is bad, though and I’ll give “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish an Honourable Mention even for just being interesting and more than the most basic, factory-produced equivalent of its genre that could be made, which can be said for most of the rest of the tracks here. Best of the Week does go to Yxng Bane and D-Block Europe of all people for “Cut Me Off”, and I can’t bring myself to dislike a charity single so I suppose Worst of the Week goes to Lil Nas X’s “HOLIDAY”, and the Dishonourable Mention will be brought to you after the messages. In other words, it’s “A Little Love” by Celeste. Here’s this week’s top 10:

I’ll brace myself for the upcoming week now, and you can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want to see me Tweet complete nonsense the majority of the time. I’ll see you next week.

[emetoandotherthings]

Tell me more about Cain getting homesick when he first moved to uni! How did he deal with it? Who did he talk to about it? What things made him feel a little bit better? What things made him miss home? Did he get Freshers Flu on top of all that? When did things start looking up?

Badly... I think the biggest difference was the transition from a busy house where he’d been really involved, to student accommodation where he was - essentially - on his own (Damian was in another nearby student flat!). He tried really hard to jump feet first into different things, but he felt quite out of place and really very lonely. He spent quite a lot of time wandering around campus, identifying different locations that he could draw, and sketching different scenes. 

Initially he didn’t talk to anyone. He became very adept at pretending that everything was absolutely fine - really the only person he was even remotely near being honest with was Eden. Damian suspected Cain was missing home, but he didn’t think very much of it - he thought it was just bedding in time, sort of thing. Sketching was really one of the things Cain immersed himself to try and remove himself from the situation. It was lots of little things that he missed: hearing what Zachariah had been doing that day at school, giving Jethro their customary morning high-five, constantly picking Silas’ hockey socks out of his washing... all those silly little things that you don’t miss till they’re not there. 

Actually it was Cain getting fresher’s flu that was the turning point! Cain got it on week three of the first semester (so a lil bit after Fresher’s week but still), and it was that proper bone deep lethargy, with a wracking cough that made his ribs ache, the flashes of hot and cold sweats, he really was an utter mess. He had been supposed to meet Damian for a drink, but he phoned to put him off, and while on the phone had a coughing fit. Damian appeared at Cain’s door ten minutes later, absolutely horrified that Cain hadn’t asked for his help earlier. It was at this point that the ill and exhausted Cain gushed how lonely he was feeling, and Damian felt unbelievably guilty because he’d been so excited about finally getting to uni and studying that he’d kind of neglected a little bit, and he needed to buck up because Cain had always been there for him. 

So Damian looked after him until he’d recovered from fresher’s flu, then he made a huge effort to involve him with his new medic mates - Zara and Aleks. Cain also decided that he needed to find a church community as a support network, so he went along to a student lunch (cause free food - yeah!), and this is where he met and struck up a friendship with Jesse (who had been similarly lonely). So Jesse became part of this small but expanding group of friends, and they started hanging out as a bunch. Cain got a superb mark on his first uni assignment which helped as he began to feel more settled and happy!

[carpethefanfics]

Unrequited IV

Thank you for waiting lovelies. I am a sick mess but I cannot wait for you to read this.

Here is the final piece of what started as an expression of my love for Remus and Lily’s friendship but became a four-part series about my two absolute favourite ships.

Unrequited. Unrequited II. Unrequited III.

Unrequited V.

Enjoy.

The couch feels hard against her back

Not the normal pillowy softness that she can slump against

But then again so does the carpet she’s sitting on

There is no comfort in this spot

And she knows it’s not because of the place

It’s because the inside of her body is knotted and twisted

Her muscles feel tight

It’s hard to move, hard to breathe

This air of tension just seems to follow her

Getting worse by the day

But she’s trying to let it melt away

Her feet are outstretched towards the blazing fire

And she’s staring at it again just like she always does

Not even bothering to pretend that she’s doing homework this time

She has to think

She has to dedicate tonight to not avoiding her head

Because she deserves that much

And so does James

And because she knows her friends have been worried

Knows they have been trying not to pry

Knows that they been trying to make whatever she’s going through easier by restocking her ink and making her bed and leaving her hot cups of tea

And she appreciates them so much for the care they’ve put in

For the soft words they’ve used to smooth out her rough edges

And she’ll thank them, she will

She just needs to focus on her breathing right now

Focus on herself right now

Because Remus hasn’t come down these past few nights

He’s seemed less hollow

With that beautiful dimple returning to its spot on his cheek

He’s seemed less hurt

And the sound of soft laughter that she has so missed in the back of class

He’s less like her

And it makes her happy

And it makes her want that

Because Sirius is different too

He hasn’t been disappearing at all hours of the night

He’s got this new look in his eye

This new colour

Like he’s seeing the world through a completely different lens

And his back is straighter

And that charm so slick on his tongue seems to remain there

She knows something has happened

Knows that it’s still running its course

That she has done all she can and has to back away now

Has to let her friends find their way to each other

Whether through pulling hair and ragged teeth or gentle fingers and tender glances

She has to let them …

She has to let herself

Because it’s been days since she watched Sirius run his fingers along Remus’ forearm

The way their eyes always find each other

A million thoughts moving between them without even a breath

And just being in the vicinity of them makes her feel strangely light

And it makes her even more angry at herself than she was before

Even more disappointed that the calm, calculated Lily Evans has lost her marbles

This silly boy … this .. this charming man flip her on her head

But it’s been days of going over it

And she keeps letting her head get in the way of her day

She’s walked into so many people and walls and tables now because her eyes are glazed over and she’s telling herself to stop trying to catch his eyes and she can’t count the bruises anymore

But sitting in front of the fire

Nothing but the ground beneath her and the silence around her is helping

She knows that what she feels for James is more than jealousy

Or that it could be more

She knows she wants to try

That she wants him to know she wants to try

And she knows most of all

That she wants to apologize

Not for all the things she’s said

Or for pushing him away for so long

Because that James Potter deserved it

He needed to know that she could never trust someone, never love someone who could be so careless and derisive in everything he did

She wants to apologize for the last few months

The kindness that he’s been offering

The friendship he’s worked so hard to have

The way she’s been rolling it off her back

And he was so hurt that day

She could see it in the darkness of his eyes and the clench of his jaw

Hurt because he didn’t understand yet what she wanted

Why she was being the way she was

Why she was pushing

Didn’t understand that her heart was mixing up her brain and fogging up her emotions and making her someone she has never wanted to be

But then she hears the familiar swing of the portrait hole

The sound of cheery well wishes for a good evening

And all those thoughts fall away because there’s James

That soft smile that rises when he realizes she’s there

She’s the only one there

But then he walks into the soft glow of the fire

And she can see his tie is undone, his shirt is untucked, his hair is wilder than usual

And she wants to knock her knuckles into his jaw

Wants to slap herself

Because the jealousy rising inside her is all the more frustrating

And exhausting

She just wants this to be easy

Just wants to say the words and curl under her bed sheets where no looks of rejection or laughter can pierce her skin

But this is James

And it’s never been easy

‘Lily flower.’

That smile on his lips has her reeling

‘Potter.’

His head tilts to the side, that smile now a smirk

‘Come on Lils we were doing so well.’

He slips down next to her, their thighs nearly touching, their shoulders ever so slightly resting together now

‘How’ve you been?

‘Wonderful. Yourself?’

‘Oh superb Lils, just superb.’

There is something about being around James Potter that just causes sarcasm to flood from her mouth

An uncontrollable urge to put the walls back up that she’s spent all day trying to tear down

And with him looking like that she can’t seem to stop herself

‘I can tell. The outfit, the hair. Must have had a lovely evening. Who was it this time?’

Lily’s eyes are narrowed on the fire

Her arms crossed over her chest, her fingers gripping tightly into her bicep

Her nails painful against her skin

James seems surprised, nothing but a small snort leaves him

‘Who was what?’

‘The person obviously. The one who’s got you looking like this.’

‘I’ve no idea what you’re on about Evans. There’s no one.’

‘Oh what you snogged yourself then?’

James’ eyes are boring into the side of her face

And her cheeks feel like they’ve been lit on fire

‘I haven’t snogged anybody!’

‘Whatever you say Potter.’

‘You’re one to talk Evans.’

Lily turns to face him at his words

‘Excuse me?’

James’ eyes are wide and dark

His brows furrowed in anger and utter disbelief

A look she has seen a thousand times before

A look that has left her cheeks stained with tears

A look that has left her chest sore

‘Oh so you and Remus haven’t been cozying up on this couch the past few weeks? It’s like very time I turn my back you’re practically in his bloody lap!’

His voice is raising

But he’s speaking through his teeth because his jaw has gritted

‘What! You know, coming from James I-snog-everything-with-a-pair-of-legs Potter that means nothing. Got your next several Hogsmead dates set up I’m sure.’

‘Why would it even matter to you? You’ll probably end up right here with Remus anyway!’

Lily is standing now

And so is James

And she doesn’t know when they did that

Or why they’re so close

But she’s losing control and everything she wanted to say, every conversation they could have had has disappeared

‘You’re right I probably will after walking into the Three Broomsticks and seeing you and Sirius with your tongues stuffed into someone’s mouths!’

She knows she’s always been hot tempered

And she doesn’t know what it is that James brings out in her

But her palms are sweating

And the words coming out of her mouth are unstoppable

She just wants to make him leave

Just wants to get away

‘Sirius? What’s Sirius got to do with this?’

But he’s pulling her right back in

Asking all the right questions to get all the answers she doesn’t want to give

She’s trying to turn away

Trying to make it to the safety of her dorm, the safety of a silencing charm

But James catches her wrist and she’s spinning back towards him

‘Don’t back away from me now Evans. You’re never one to give up in a fight.’

‘It’s not important! It doesn’t matter!’

Hot tears are spilling down her cheeks

And she’s flustered by the yelling

And how much she doesn’t want to be yelling

How much she wishes she could just turn her emotions off

‘Course it matters! Obviously something more is going on here than you and my best mate snogging behind my back.’

Lily can’t believe the words coming from James

The assumptions

Her and Remus have always been close

Always been so similar

But how doesn’t he know

How doesn’t he see the look on her face when he makes her laugh

Or see her turning to speak with Marlene because she can perfectly see him

Hasn’t he noticed that she’s been trying so hard to keep her guard down

That she’s failing so miserably at that right now because of how close he is to knowing the truth?

‘Snogging! Are you bloody insane! Remus and I are nothing more than friends you absolute moron!’

‘Oh excuse me for assuming that your three in the morning meetings were actually for homework like you said they were!’

His hand is still on her wrist

And she knows he can feel the heavy beating of her pulse

‘They weren’t for either!’

It’s getting quicker the more they talk

The closer he gets to her

To knowing

‘Well what were they for then!?’

‘None of your business James, merlin you can be insufferable!’

‘Of course it’s my business! You two should at least have the courtesy to tell me!’

‘Nothing is going on between us!’

Her lower lip catches between her teeth as she quiets herself

And she rubs the back of her hand on her cheeks to wipe the tears

She feels herself coming to the truth that she’s buried

That Remus tried to pry from her so long ago

Her voice quiets and her throat tightens

‘We-we’ve ... we’ve just got the same problem and he’s been trying to help me figure it out.’

But James is still heated

His voice is lowering too but the look in his eye is wild

It’s a look Lily used to yearn for

To know she could push his buttons as fast as he pushed hers was thrilling

But now it hurts

Because she doesn’t want this anymore

She wants the Lily that’s so comfortable being herself around a James Potter that makes her heart race

‘Oh a problem you say? And what problem could be so important that he can’t come to me or Pads? And you can’t go to Marlene or Dorcas?’

‘Stop it!’

She’s yanking her wrist from his grasp because her thoughts aren’t reaching her mouth in time

And she just needs to say it, just needs a moment

But James has always been as stubborn as her

Always been as fiery

‘Fine. Run. Just like you always do when it comes to me!’

When it comes to me

She turns back to look at him and the anger has fallen

There’s nothing left but that same look from that same day

The one that feels so painful so see

So painful because this conversation is so out of control

And ten minutes ago she was ready to pour her heart and soul out

Ready to admit to everything

Ready to apologize

‘You really want to know? You really want me to tell you why we’ve been down here?’

‘Merlin yes Lil, that’s what I’ve been bloody asking you!’

‘Sorting you out!’

‘Sorting out- sorting out me? What?’

James seems taken aback

And his eyes narrow at her

‘Yeah sorting out my head when it comes to you.’

‘What does that even mean?’

‘It means ..

Well it means ..

It means I think I’m bloody in love with you, you- you ridiculous- you … ’

Lily feels her eyes prickling again

And she catches the red carpet beneath her feet rather than his eyes

And she can taste the words coming out of her mouth

Knows they need to be said

But she doesn’t even want to hear herself say them

Doesn’t even want to know what James will say

‘With your stupid hair and that god-awful smile and-and the way you look at me ...

We talk and its incredible and there are so many moments where I just want to tell you, where I was so close to telling you but-but you’d moved on. You’re out there snogging half our year and I hate it’

‘You … You love me’

James sounds astonished

But her eyes are still on the ground

Embarrassment and fear washing over her all at once

‘That’s what I said’

‘You love me?’

‘Yes Potter get it through your head.’

‘I love you.’

Lily tears her eyes from the carpet and sees his face

His eyes are soft and warm like melted chocolate

And his cheeks are pink

But his smile is there

The one that gives her that swooping feeling

But she’s just as surprised as he sounded

‘What?’

‘I love you. Always have, always will. Told you that ages ago didn’t I?’

Lily can’t believe what she’s hearing

Because she thought she’d broken it, broken them

Thought he could never forgive her for shredding his already broken heart

But he’s standing here with his hand wrapped around her wrist saying all the words she’s wished and dreamed and hoped he’d say

‘Yes but…‘

‘But nothing. It’s you, it’s always been you. I don’t want those other people. All I wanted was to move on. I thought you hated me and it was literally killing me and then we were friends. And oh god us being friends, Lil that’s been amazing. But- Say it again. I need you to say it again.’

She slips her hand out of his grasp to intertwine their fingers

And takes a step forward as the worry falls away

As she berates herself for ever believing that this was anything less than what she thought it was

Because that look in his face and that feeling he gives her is everything

‘I love you’

James raises his free hand to brush her curls behind her shoulder

‘I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear you say that …’

Their noses are brushing

‘And I think I could live out the rest of it completely happy if I heard nothing else.’

Their lips barely touching

And Lily can feel laughter bubbling inside her

Because James says the most over-the-top things

But he has always given her everything he could give

Even when he took a step back

Even when he gave her the space she needed

And it was driving him mad inside

It was all for her

It was all because of her

And when their noses brush

When she realizes how comfortably their palms fit together

It’s like all the agonizing days of thinking melt away

James is touching the corner of her jaw as his eyes roam her face

The glow from the fire making the moment so calm

Quelling the heavy pattering of Lily’s heart

And she realizes that sure James Potter wears his heart on his sleeve

And he says what he’s thinking even if its too soon

Even if its scary

Even if they’re this young and this feels too real and her walls fly back up

But yeah, Lily smiles as James leans forward

She could be completely happy if she heard nothing else too

To be continued ....

[fictionkinfessionsarchived]

I miss being able to access hammerspace and make holes and stuff. Even if I used those to cause mischief. I mighta been the one responsible for Wally's missin' keys more often than not eheh, sorry bud.. Also miss kissin' Edgar's face all the time. And how he would help my silly fears of real spiders by relocating them for me. Absolutely superb you funky lil' spider.