#a self that was born of grief and anger at the world when he lost his family. And proceeded to destroy the planet.

[animal-123-crazy]

Okay listen when one of the biggest plot pieces revolves around nuclear burger sauce…. Yeah its silly

But yknow the entire Freakshow arc still unsettles me a bit. ALSO SPECTRA??? Im pretty sure my innate fear of psychologists stems from THAT. Spectra freaked me out man

[pichirobi]

fire, air, water, earth.

prince xie lian is one of the most promising up-and-coming avatars the world has yet to see. that is, until disaster strikes his home earth kingdom of xianle. when his people die out at the hands of a plague spirit, bai wuxiang, the nations blame the avatar. with his reputation destroyed, xie lian joins the air nomads for 20 years and travels the world as a scrap-collector. although he has lost the respect of the people he is destined to protect, the spirit world is thrown into chaos without his guidance. xie lian works thanklessly to maintain global balance all on his own. but unbeknownst to him, there's one person, upon the throne of the fire nation, who still believes in the avatar.

welcome to my tgcf x atla au!

click here to follow this tag for updates. read more below for my story notes.

STORY

xie lian is born to the king and queen of an earth kingdom city-state, xianle, and is quickly discovered to be the avatar. a wildly talented one, at that. he learns firebending second, and waterbending third. still young and pampered, xie lian struggles with the humility associated with airbending principles.

at just the age of 17 he begins to travel the world to master the four elements and [katara narrator voice] to restore peace and balance in the world. he acquires a servant (firebender mu qing) and a bodyguard (earthbender & childhood best friend feng xin). it's during this time that he tours the fire nation, meeting with political figures and impoverished citizens alike, gaining a positive reputation for his determination and skills. to celebrate the summer solstice, xie lian is the face of a festival in which he proves his elegance, combative strength, and firebending prowess. during the ceremony, he controversially interrupts it to save the life of a 10-year-old urchin boy.

the lines between the spirit and mortal worlds bleed together during solstices. it's xie lian's festival which attracts a particularly violent spirit to emerge into the mortal world: bai wuxiang. the white-clothed calamity.

xie lian's life is filled with promise until he turns 22. he catches word of a disaster taking place in his home kingdom. he puts a pause on his tour of the nations to return to xianle. there, he finds that a strange and highly contagious disease has begun plaguing his people. its symptoms are unnatural; the work of an angry spirit. xie lian works himself to the bone trying to save his common people. he fails.

when xianle falls to plague, to chaos, to fear, its people blame the avatar. he is dubbed the avatar of misfortune. a failure. xie lian's reputation crumbles to dust and he is helpless to restore his people's faith in him. when the rest of the world learns of how xianle came to ruin, the avatar becomes not a figure of peace to be revered, but a bad omen.

having lost his two companions, his parents, his kingdom, and the global adoration he's come to rely on for his self-worth, xie lian runs away. he disowns his past identity and seeks to start a new life. he finds himself in the northern air temples, where the air nomads pay him no mind, although xie lian is a bit of an oddball. (xie lian might look rougher and jaded but they certainly recognize the avatar. they pretend to not know him—the nomads keep to themselves and as long as xie lian doesn't cause trouble, he is welcome.) he eventually befriends a monk named shi qingxuan.

xie lian seeks enlightenment. he incorporates himself into the monks' way of life, releasing all ties to material possessions and worldly indulgences. he abstains from sex, alcohol, anger, and, hardest of all, grief. he goes on to live 20 years as a scrap collector, practicing what he was taught by his teacher and guide, monk wu yong. xie lian knows it's time to leave the temples when he finally masters airbending.

humbled, xie lian rekindles his fighting spirit. the common people loathe the avatar, but he forgives them. he will save them.

as xie lian wanders the nations, he learns that during his darkest years, literature, art, and scholarly works of the avatar have been destroyed. most people don't even remember what he looks like and much less have the means to learn anything about him. (hua cheng carving xl's face into the side of a mountain: HOLD MY BEER)

meanwhile, there is a fire nation urchin boy who has grown into someone powerful enough to be feared. through his unmatched wit and charisma, he has worked his way up the capital's political hierarchy. a city governor who calls himself hua cheng, is the first aristocrat to challenge the firelord to an agni kai. he is also the first to win. he delegitimizes the royal bloodline and single-handedly reshapes a generation's idea of a competent ruler. bonus points for the previous firelord being xie lian's indecent cousin, qi rong.

now 35 years old, the new firelord, terrifying yet respected by all, leads his people to prosperity and vanquishes every enemy. peculiarly, he seems somewhat uninterested in his position of power. instead, he enjoys turning his attention towards erecting a shrine, a palace, in honor of avatar xie lian.

HUALIAN'S BACKSTORY

the avatar preceding xie lian, jun wu, oversaw great conflicts between the four nations. it is during one of these wars that a seemingly insignificant teenager dies. his soul drifts aimlessly in the spirit world, vulnerable, alone. he encounters the trickster spirit koh who steals his face. time is hard to account for in this realm, and the once-a-teenager forgets his past life, his own identity, simply choosing to refer to himself as wu ming: nameless. many years later, the avatar cycle begins anew with the birth of xie lian.

at 7 years old, prince xie lian and his best friend feng xin are outdoors playing with swords. feng xin takes a break, as he is called inside by the king of xianle, leaving xie lian outside and unsupervised. (feng xin will shortly be told that xie lian is not only his friend, but now his responsibility.) meanwhile, xie lian is left without a sparring partner. until a ghostly silver butterfly flits in front of him. it playfully weaves around the flourishes of the blade. xie lian chases it, away from the palace grounds, across the fields and into the brush, where he falls head-first through a burrow. when he stands up, his sword has disappeared, but not the butterfly. it pulls his attention upward, where he takes in his surroundings: the spirit world.

xie lian continues to play and greet spirits, who are all pleased to meet the new avatar, eventually finding a sad, dissipating ghost fire. the ghost introduces itself as wu ming. xie lian works very hard to cheer it up, promising they'll be friends in this lifetime and the next. wu ming brightens and confesses that koh has stolen its face. xie lian fails to tolerate this news: if he's to be the avatar, he must protect the innocent and slay monsters. with wu ming's warnings, he marches to koh's den to demand his friend's face back.

xie lian succeeds. wu ming doesn't remember much these days, but he's sure that no one has ever showed him such incredible kindness. when wu ming expresses his desire to disappear, xie lian gives him a mantra: "live for me."

xie lian has to leave, to return to a very worried feng xin (who is scared he's already failed his new bodyguard job on day one), but wu ming is invigorated with life like never before. his soul persists, stubbornly, for the avatar. he is reborn back into the mortal world as a fire nation boy. although, the encounter with koh would leave a mark on his body: the sclera of his right eye would be an unsettling blood red. the people of his village would know him as hong hong-er.

elsewhere in the spirit world, the ghost of avatar jun wu senses young xie lian's presence. he also senses the persistence of the ghost fire—a soul reborn. could he, too, return to the mortal world? jun wu entertains a simple but horrifying thought: by swapping places with xie lian, could he achieve immortality as the world's last avatar? thus, jun wu hatches a plan. he strikes a deal with bai wuxiang, the white-clothed calamity, a malevolent plague spirit. bai wuxiang would possess the body of jun wu to eliminate the new avatar. to kill xie lian, and to be reborn.

the plan doesn't go—well, according to plan. the people of xianle are wiped out before he can get his hands on xie lian, and the destruction of a people leaves behind a universal distrust of the avatar. jun wu realizes he would be unable to seize power in such an environment. his new strategy must involve controlling young xie lian, manipulating him into a puppet. it takes a while to pin him down, but jun wu eventually finds him settled in the northern air temple, at his most emotionally vulnerable. jun wu will impersonate a monk teacher, changing his name to wu yong. he will bide his time and play his cards until the world is ready for his return.

EXTRAS

hualian are middle-aged men in this au because it makes sense timeline-wise, but also because sexy silver fox xie lian is what i see every time i close my eyes.

narratively, i'm torn between hua cheng loving the avatar, or hua cheng loving xie lian. thinking about this timeless lovestory, "you, not the state of you," i can see it both ways. hua cheng might love the avatar, xie lian and all of his reincarnations regardless of their body. or, he might love xie lian, regardless of the "avatar" title. ("avatar" may also be this world's equivalent to hua cheng respectfully calling xie lian "dianxia".)

firelord hua cheng presents himself at what he believes is his ugliest, most intimidating form: exposing his burned right eye. as san lang, however, he is at first ashamed to reveal such a vulnerable part of him in front of his love; he covers it with an eyepatch. (the people of the fire nation are like: "a platypus?" [san lang takes off his eyepatch] "PERRY THE PLATYPUS?!?!")

hua cheng teaches xie lian how to bend lightning. they easily trade bolts back and forth to each other in a cute and intimate way. feng xin and mu qing are horrified when they first see this in action.

hualian's first kiss happens when they're battling a sea monster underwater and xie lian loses his concentration enough to accidentally pop hua cheng's air bubble. a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation will do the trick until they can float back up to the surface.

ruoye = xl's spiritual serpent guide (kind of like roku's dragon)

e'ming = hc's super clingy fire ferret

[gardenoflupins]

Grief/Mourning / @wolfstarmicrofic / 878 words

CW: implied self harming tendencies and suicidal thoughts

Remus stirs his tea blankly.

His shitty apartment was dark and suffocating. He kept his blinds drawn and never bothered to turn the lights on. It made no difference to him. He never took in the world anymore. Not since Lily and James had died a year ago by the hands of the man they all loved more than anything in the world.

In the first few weeks following their deaths, people he used to go to school with sent him letters to express their condolences.

It only took a month for the letters to stop completely. One month and everyone went back to their lives. They shopped, they talked, they laughed, they loved, while Remus stayed permanently stuck in time.

He thinks it will always be like this for him. Another year would pass and he’d still feel the same as he did. Then another would pass. Then another. Then another. He feels a bitter sort of resentment for those who continued on with their lives when Remus’s own remained grey and loveless. He had lost two brothers, a sister, a nephew, and a lover all at once.

Yet the world continued moving.

After forcing himself to drink the tea, Remus would move to sit on the desk chair that still had Sirius’s leather jacket hanging on it. It had sat there untouched for over a year and Remus couldn’t bring himself to throw it out because it was the very last thing he had of Sirius. Remus had cast a spell to keep the scent locked in, finding it unbearable to think of even that little thing slipping through his fingers when he already lost everything he had. He’d sit at this desk for hours on end. Too afraid and guilty to touch and inhale the jacket, and too empty and cold to do anything else but sit in silence.

Everyone lied when they told him that time would heal all. It didn’t. He felt more and more heartache as the loneliness suffocated any inkling of life left in him. He had been reduced to a marionette and there was no difference between this and being under the Imperius Curse. The Imperio would at least hurt less. He would have to go through this grief again next year, then again, then again.

Some days he would work at temporary muggle jobs until they eventually fired him for his illness, and he’d repeat the job searching all over again.

Then he’d have tea.

And mourn.

And grow numb.

Then he’d have tea.

And mourn.

And grow numb.

More tea.

More mourning.

More numbness.

Then the full moon would come. He’d tear himself raw as the wolf that was once called Moony would grieve over his missing pack. And Remus would allow it. He never complained about the physical pain the next morning. If anything, he welcomed the feeling. Nothing could ever come close to the pain Remus felt each waking day that his family was gone. The deep cuts and mauled skin were featherlight touches in comparison. Remus only felt anger when he’d eventually wake up and pull through. In his youth, he and his friends would worry about the fact that werewolves didn’t live long as they were known to be the reason for their own demise.

Remus sits there bitterly, realising they had wasted their fear on nothing. He wished that the textbooks were right, and he hated Moony the wolf every day because of it. One job. He was a bloodthirsty killer with one job. And he couldn’t even do that right.

Remus hates himself most of all. Even more than he hated Sirius. He hates himself for the way he was. For deluding himself into believing that his friends loved him despite being a werewolf when in the end he was abandoned for the very same thing. He hates himself because he thinks that if he had been born as someone different then he could have avoided everything that went downhill. He could have saved them all.

The biggest reason why he hated himself is because even after everything Remus still loved Sirius. Sirius killed Remus’s only friends and he still loved him. Sirius distrusted and despised him during their last months together and he still loved him.

But it was the previous version of Sirius that he loved. Or more accurately, the one that never existed. It was Sirius who was bold and confident, loving and mesmerising. Sirius who accepted Remus entirely and gave his heart and soul to all his friends.

It was that version of Sirius that Remus missed more than anything. A year later and Remus still can’t associate that Sirius with the real one. His mind protected him from it. They weren’t the same people. He convinced himself Sirius had died. And he had. All the good parts of him died.

That’s the Sirius that Remus mourns.

That’s the Sirius that Remus loves.

And still the world would have the heartbreaking audacity to continue moving on when he was left as nothing but an animated corpse forcing itself to pretend to be human.

So, he’d have his tea.

Mourn.

And go numb.

He’d have tea.

Mourn.

And go numb.

Tea.

Mourn.

Numb.

Tea.

Mourn.

Numb.

Tea.

Mourn.

Numb.

[silkeared]

hey , isn’t that ENDER JACKSON ? i’ve heard that they’ve lived in bearhold for ONE MONTH . rumor has it that they can be rather CONCEITED and BITCHY , but hey , that’s just in their nature as THE PRIMADONNA . they totally make up for it by being PROTECTIVE and RESILIENT . if you’re looking for them , you can probably find them at their work as a PIERCER at ETERNAL INK .

full name ⸻ ENDER LUCETTE JACKSON . nickname(s) ⸻ N/A . age ⸻ TWENTY SIX . gender identity ⸻ CIS WOMAN . orientation ⸻ LESBIAN . pronouns ⸻ SHE/HER . hometown ⸻ LONDON, ENGLAND . current occupation ⸻ PIERCER . species ⸻ HUMAN . faceclaim ⸻ SAVANNAH LEE SMITH . influences ⸻ EURYDICE ( hadestown ) , HEATHER CHANDLER ( heathers ) , CHER HOROWITZ ( clueless ) .

when ender said she dreamed of europe, london wasn’t quite what she had in mind. the dreary mornings, the foggy nights—she ached for croissants for breakfast, wearing berets and red lipstick and smoking outside of café’s. instead, she was born into the jackson family where the most excitement she could have was dropping by selfridge’s to check out the make-up counters. she supposed there was some glamour, in the west end and the parts of town where you could buy bentley’s and BMW’s, but for the most part ender felt stuck. there was more to life, more out there, than smoothing down her curls in the reflection of a store window she couldn’t afford to enter. it was as though her and koda were two sides of the same coin, similar in their features but worlds apart in their views. ender was smart—really smart—and despite her skirts grazing her thighs (a uniform violation, apparently) she scored in the highest brackets for test scores and exam grades. ender was determined not to waste the brain she had been blessed with. academically brainy and self-taught with knowledge, every detail that had entered through one ear had stuck. she was more book smart than street smart, but ender knew how to hold her own in a fight. that was, until they lost their mother. of course it was hard for them both, but a girl needs her mum like lungs need air, like bees need flowers. symbiotic. for the first time in her life, ender started to understand just why koda was such a tearaway. her grades slipped and she deferred her entry to university in order to stay home and take care of the men in her life, a distraught father and a brother who couldn’t cope. and then he disappeared too. one night koda was gone, and it was down to ender to nurse her father’s doubly-broken heart. resentment boiled deep within her; throughout their grief, she had fought to keep her head above water. wasn’t that the job of the eldest, to stand strong, to be the man of the house when their father couldn’t? anger grew, a seething ache. a part of ender wished that koda would come home, the other wondered whether or not he had died—both outcomes filled her with dread, and for five months she remained walking those empty london streets. without her brother or her father to rely on, ender started training as a piercer at the local tattoo parlor and, on weekday nights, put together a formidable quiz team to bring home healthy prize pots (and the occasional bar tab). every night she stared at the bar, hoping that familiar tall figure would waltz in like nothing had happened and order a cheap, heady beer. hearing rumors that her brother had turned up in washington threw her mind into turmoil. ender jackson had always wanted to fly—paris, vienna, dubai—but she had never imagined that she would be packing her chanel boots and booking a one-way flight to the equally dreary, grey bearhold. the moment she touched down, ender realised that she had brought the only sunshine the town had ever seen in her lilac belt, her lime green sunglasses, and the little pink butterfly clips in her braids. by some miracle, the local tattoo parlor had an opening so that she could put her quick-learning to use. for the last month, she has been poking holes in ears and nostrils and . . . all manner of other things, searching local bars in the evenings in a desperate attempt to find the man she lost. when she isn’t working, wandering, or staring at green crushed-velvet couches with dreamy sighs, ender is putting together her ultimate quiz team to keep her finances afloat. she can be found in bars after her shifts, chatting up the bartenders and fluttering her eyelashes (keeping a sickness at bay at the very thought of being seen with a man). there’s something strange about bearhold, something she can’t quite place . . . another mystery to investigate, all in pursuit of her older brother that chose a backwater town over his family.

[i-eat-deodorant]

[Shakes you] TELL US ABOUT YOUR LAMB

LMAO watching this appear in my inbox in real time was a treat.

In my headcanons, the sheep were total pacifists that lived in high-altitude villages in the mountains outside of Shamura's territory. Lamb did have a twin, but it died in utero; they were born as a single child in a species that normally births in doubles. Because of this, they compensated for the lack of siblings by making everyone their friend. They're generally pretty easygoing, gregarious, and considered their place in their family an integral part of who they are.

That's why being the sole surviving sheep hurt them so much.

Sheep get distressed when separated from their flock, and Lamb is no different. Shamura's genocide tore away everything they loved: their family, their heritage, their homeland. by the time lamb was sent to the executioner's block, Lamb had no purpose left. They had nothing--nothing except for an all-consuming rage at what the Bishops took away from them.

Later on, Lamb would gather up the courage to ask him exactly why he chose them–why, in a meadow of flowers, he’d plucked a wilted one. "Wilted one?" came his rumbling laugh. "I chose you, vessel, because you called to me, even if you did not know me by name then. Your comrades, they soiled themselves and cried and sang sheer terror…but you?" An emaciated finger lifted their head, cold finger digging into the soft underside their jaw. "Every death, every head that rolled onto the ground–it fed your fury like an open fire. I could see it. You called out to me, in your final darkest moment, and wished to repay each and every one of their deaths in blood."

That's where TOWW comes in.

The thing about Lamb that sets them apart from all of TOWW’s previous vessels is that they were stripped clean of their worldly attachments before they were crowned. When they were resurrected, it was to a strange and unfamiliar world where everything they once knew was gone, and all they had left was a blood-red crown and a need to kill.

It made them incredibly susceptible to TOWW’s suggestions: of anger, of revenge, of rebuilding a community (but not the same, nothing will ever be the way it used to be) in his name. TOWW gave them purpose. They were literally his vessel–emptied of their own hopes and dreams and replaced with his. His fury was their fury. His hurt and pain was their hurt and pain. When they cut down every bishops and tore the hearts from their chests, they felt glee and satisfaction as if they were personally betrayed by each of them. The lamb they once were died on the executioners block; the Lamb that rose again had no life, and so they lived for him. There was no other choice except to serve. They were devoted, yes, but it was something so dark and twisted it could barely be called love.

It was a one way street of loyalty that worked for the both of them as long as Lamb could live for the TOWW. Their devotion made them much better than the other vessels, because they were willing to push themselves to the point of self-sacrifice to fulfill their god’s wishes.

However, the thing about experiencing the complete destruction of everything they’ve loved for a taste of godly power was that they came out at the end of it knowing it wasn’t worth it. Over the course of their crusades they learned how Narinder sacrificed everything he knew to become more powerful, and got chained as a result. It drew them closer to him, because they empathized with his loss, but they never agreed with his end goal.

So when he asked them to give up themselves, their followers, and the little community they’ve built from the ground up to set him “free”?

He's war-torn; they may not have seen it then, lost in their awe and their grief, but they could recognize the signs now. Hunched back. Nicked ears. Arms rotted to nothing. An eternally bleeding robe, always a wet shade of red. (He's tired. They'd know–they saw the same thing every time they looked in the mirror.) And so they fought. One last time. For him.

Personally I don’t think Lamb was ever afraid of death. They're surrounded by it. They've died way too many times to fear it, even if this last one would be final. Instead, they refused to give up the crown because of him. They knew him, or thought they knew him. They pictured themselves in his position: ascended, free, with all the power that they wanted and the world at their whim and so utterly alone. Power, they learned, did not buy happiness.

In the end, Lamb defied TOWW because they loved him too much to see him destroy himself, all over again.

It’s really hard to justify the in-game mechanic discrepancy of Narinder’s follower form (why did he survive when the other bishops just exploded?) and I think it’s Lamb’s unconscious will holding them back. They never wanted to kill TOWW. Despite everything, they’re still grateful for him being there to catch them and give them a second chance for retribution. Whenever he fell, they wanted to be there to catch him too. 

When they brushed off the mountain of bloodied robes and chains and found a trembling little thing they slew curled in the epicenter, the last thing they expected was to fall for him all over again.

Post-game, Lamb tries to put everything behind them and focus on the cult, but it’s hard! They develop a bit of a two-faced reputation, where they’re incredibly kind and sweet to those in their flock but will coldly and mercilessly strike down anyone outside of it. They’re incredibly conflicted about this, to the point where they see the ruthless part of themselves as an alter ego, where they’re an impostor that took the skin and flesh of an innocent little Lamb after resurrection. Lamb also blames the crown for corrupting their personality (it didn’t, it just amplified a preexisting personality trait that wouldn’t have been expressed had Lamb not gone through what they did) and fears that the more they use their godly powers, the faster this evil side will consume them. Crusades always come with a bit of internal crisis. 

Since serving Narinder was their purpose for so long, they kind of flounder on where to go afterwards. For a while, Lamb gets severe separation anxiety when they don’t know where Narinder is–had they made the wrong decision, turning him into a mortal? What if he dies? They live because of him, and if he’s done, they straight up do not have any reason to live anymore. 

Even though he’s a little pissy bitch for the first half a year he’s a mortal, Narinder actually helps ground Lamb a lot. After centuries as an immortal god, they’ve become detached to their followers. Narinder, a former god, had long forgottem how to be a mortal. His slow road to recovery was him relearning how to appreciate life again in its fleeting little details, and through him Lamb was also able to relearn what they’ve forgotten as well. 

Nothing’s ever perfect–they cannot fix the past, and even resurrection cannot bring back non-followers. However, Lamb has already built a life for themselves from nothing once. After the Bishops, after TOWW, they’re able to put the worst of their traumas to rest, and rebuild themselves; a death god dying and being reborn anew. 

[sneverussape]

all right, i'll bite :) for the 4am asks: 12, 14, 39, 87, 100. <3

:3

answering this while a storm rages outside and i’ve yet to have my morning coffee — so this will be…idk unflinchingly honest prob.

12. Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.?

when i was growing up, my parents always reminded us that, had they done something different during their past (dated another person, went to another university, etc), they would not have married each other and we would not have been born. hearing that so constantly as a kid made me have an awareness of What Could Have Been, even though what my parents were aiming for was prob a weird sense of “wow thank god you guys got married” which my brothers and i never gave them lol. i always imagine the scenarios of my parents never getting married to each other and living different lives, but also what would have happened had other decisions been made.

that sense of loss is constant when i think about these things too much - what if we had stayed in x country, what if i had gone to x school for university, what if i had said yes to this certain offer, etc. all of them would have led to a very different life than what i have now. for one thing i’d probably not have the job i have now (a field and institution i never in a million years would have thought i’d be in as a kid), and i’d probably be living elsewhere (likely the US). even staying together with a former partner would have led to a different outcome - i’d probably have kids, live in california, and have a different career/life trajectory. i’m not unhappy with the state of my life rn though, and i think this is the scenario i’d have chosen anyway had i been given the option. the grief maybe comes from the loss of deeper relationships i could have had. i miss the people i’ve had to say goodbye to and are no longer in touch with for one reason or another. i like to imagine that in other universes these other scenarios exist and we’re still having the time of our lives.

14. Would you want to be reincarnated?

no. :)) i want the end to be the end, yknow? whether there’s Beyond or Nothing i want it to be that already. no more repeats, i’m tiredt.

39. Do you know what you want out of life?

whenever people ask me this question, it always reminds me of that scene in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape when gilbert gets asked what he wants for himself, and gilbert says “i want to be a good person”. i watched this as a kid and it really stuck with me. it seems like such a simple thing to be but it’s not. i can’t control most things; i can only really control myself. what i want out of life is just me putting some good out to the world as much as possible, and making conscious decisions that would help rather than harm, even if it’s just for a single person. yesterday my friend was having a hard time but couldn’t leave the house because she had to meet a deadline. i bought her a boba tea and had it delivered to her house as a snack. it was expensive and honestly something she could have done herself but i figured it’d be a nice gesture and one thing to make her day less shitty. i want a kinder world. i try to put out what i want the universe to give back in spades to others. idk that’s all anyone probably really wants at the core of it all, right?

87. Do you anger easily?

yes. my mom has really bad anger issues (likely due to her own childhood as a military brat and being 7 out of 9 kids) and it’s a response i learned to emulate from a fairly young age. i learned to get better control of it as i went through school, copying how my peers and older mentors acted. i think i was always very self-aware, although i don’t know how i was trained to be that way, and i knew anger wasn’t the right response. i’d be seething internally but act controlled on the outside, because i knew that was how to get what i wanted/needed. i’ve mastered it at this point except when it comes to certain people who really trigger a specific response, like my brothers. mannn, the fights we get into. 🙃 i’m slow to outward anger (inside, im always angry with one thing or another lol) with colleagues and friends but when it gets to boiling point, i can be pretty vicious with words. this is also why i prefer keeping it under control because i don’t like the feeling of regret that comes when you say something you didn’t really mean, or something you did mean but know you shouldn’t have said out loud. this is also the reason my sister said she could never be friends with me if we weren’t siblings since i’m far more ruthless than what she can stand. i know that! i accept it. 🥲 i’m working on it.

100. What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

hmm. idk really. even my belief of god gets challenged from time to time. probably the one thing i strive to keep believing in despite parts of me also accepting its impossibility, is how people aren’t really gone after death and there’s still a chance to see each other again someday. it’s a necessary coping mechanism for me, and though i equally accept that it can be untrue, i’d rather believe it is. i’d miss people too much if i didn’t, and i don’t think i can bear losing them so permanently. the heartache is too much.

anyway thank you @greens-your-color for the asks! sorry if it got morose. it’s the lack of coffee. 😪

have a good weekend!

[deadcityhq]

CHARACTER NAME: thorin CHARACTER FACECLAIM: richard armitage CHARACTER AGE/DOB (if relevant/they're not old af): approaching 200 years old CHARACTER PRONOUNS/GENDER IDENTITY/SEXUALITY ETC: hes just blinking at me. it's fine, WE know what he is CHARACTER FANDOM (if relevant): tolkien universe OC OR CANON: canon CHARACTER TYPE (for example: werewolf, shadowhunter, warlock, demon etc): royal pain in the ass? like sure he's a dwarf but-- HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN IN NEW YORK/WHY ARE THEY THERE ETC: checks watch like an hour, hes very confused IMPORTANT CHARACTER INFORMATION TO NOTE AND SHARE (this could be important headcanons for initial plotting, mini bios etc, supporting docs):

born and raised in a different universe, thorin is about to be SO fucked by the plot it's gonna be hilarious okay, lets fucking go

very early in thorin's life, his entire sense of self and stability was turned upside down. his kingdom, his people, the life he knew… it all came under attack from the great dragon, smaug. the mountain kingdom he called home, the one he was destined to one day rule and lead… all lost in a blink as his people were forced to flee-- the mountain lost and the treasure within now claimed by the dragon that brought pain and suffering to all.

the anger and pain was something that remained with thorin throughout the years. the king in exile did all he could, tried hard to provide for his people and protect them. but always, he would feel a disappointment in his heart. the idea that he could not truly save his people, their home, weighed heavy on the would be king.

until, finally, many years later, the wizard gandalf came to him with a proposition. and so, this is how the grand quest to reclaim his homeland began.

a tough journey, but one that thorin continued to have faith in. through every turn, every horror that became clear… he still had hope.

though perhaps, more terrifying than battling a dragon, was thorin's fight against the sickness that swept over him after they reclaimed the mountain kingdom and the dragon was defeated. thorin had been stubborn, determined to not make the same mistakes of prior rulers-- he did not want to become changed by the treasure hoard, but… the dragon sickness came for him with its cold and cruel grip. it changed thorin, elevated his more heated traits… amplified it, poured in the hate and jealousy and paranoia.

and although thorin came through it, fought his way back to himself, he still does not entirely feel healed from it. it isn't so much that the darkness inhabits his heart, but… the guilt related to how it made him act, that sure does linger. combined with the grief of seeing fili and kili killed in front of him, it left thorin out of sorts. but… he had a job to do. post-battle, there was a kingdom to lead and rule. no time truly to think of anything else.

but when thorin heard of gandalf's newest problem… well. for all the ways he had fought for his kingdom, for a home for his people, for a reclaimed throne… maybe there was something that had become more important than treasure.

not that he's exactly been any good at WORDING THAT,,, but. look. he wasn't FAR behind, okay??? in fact, thorin set off after bilbo and gandalf barely days after the pair had left. he just didn't account for how differently time would run in this new world. what do you MEAN bilbo and gandalf have been there a month already??

THREE AESTHETICS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOUR CHARACTER:

the warmth of furs against skin, pulled close against a biting wind

the feel of someone's fingers moving through your hair, helping to add braids

laughter of friends and loved ones long into the night

admin andy app.

[ravenspeakrp]

Welcome to Raven’s Peak, Mina, we’re excited to have you! Chester Kowalski (Witch, Robert Sheehan) has been accepted. Please be sure to stop by the CHECKLIST for the follow list, tags to track, and other reminders.

OUT OF CHARACTER 

NAME: Mina PRONOUNS: She/Her AGE: 27 TIMEZONE: GMT TRIGGERS: N/A

IN CHARACTER 

FULL NAME:  Chester Kowalski SPECIES: Witch, Hallowed Circle Coven AGE: 33 DATE OF BIRTH: 17th October 1990 GENDER IDENTITY: Cismale, He/Him NEIGHBORHOOD: Downtown OCCUPATION: Store Clerk / Owner of Magpie’s Eye WORKPLACE: Herb & Spice Apothecary / Magpie’s Eye POSITIVE TRAITS: Spontaneous, Friendly, Compassionate NEGATIVE TRAITS: Catty, Jealous, Self-Indulgent LENGTH OF TIME IN RAVEN’S PEAK: 22 years FACE CLAIM: Robert Sheehan

BIOGRAPHY

TRIGGER WARNING: Cults, Death, Birth

Florian came into the world to the sound of hymns, prayers in dead tongues, a circle around his laboring mother, people in robes with hands held high as he was birthed on a great carved tablet. There was silence afterwards, the babe held squirming as it cried loud, echoing off the walls. What were they waiting for? A sign. It came when the babe continued to wail, no silence following, accepted by their worshiped deity. Florian had not been slaughtered but, perhaps it would’ve been kinder than what followed. A brand was seared onto the back of the babes’ neck, a symbol written in an infernal language, marking Florian a door for all things dead and demonic to pass through – for he’d been born into the Children of Demise, a witching coven-turned cult who worshiped demons. Not that anybody would know, on the outside, they were just another communal family, preaching unity and recruiting the vulnerable and lost to their cause.

  He was so beloved growing up, doted on by the many mothers, for he was made to be a prophet through which their lord spoke. For all this dread and despair, it was often not reflected on Florian, too young to really know what he was doing. Sometimes, people he couldn’t see talked to him, imaginary friends who told him all about the world, about things that had been – some were kindly and gentle, others waves of anger and grief, wailing about how they died, why had they died? Florian learned that these invisible beings could take over his body and use him as he used dolls. When you grow up with such powers, when others make you feel special and worshiped, it’s impossible to feel terrible about such a thing.

  Except – there was one aspect Florian didn’t like. That was, when the demon would possess him, wear his flesh and do bad things.

  All cults face dissent, no matter how strong. Florian felt this loss the most when his mother, Magda, lost her best friend – the woman had been pregnant and fled for the betterment of her baby. Even at a tender age, he became quieter, more withdrawn from the loss of someone like a second mother. She was the first, and many followed afterwards, years suddenly becoming marred by turmoil and infiltration until eventually, another witching coven aided by hunters came to take the cult down. It was a bloody fight to the end, leaving only a few children and those who quickly gave up their loyalty when faced with violence. A gun was leveled at Florian, barely 12, to finally end the cult’s terrible mission.

  An older witch stepped in and stopped him. She took Florian – renamed him Chester – and adopted him as her own son. Chester has grown up in Raven’s Peak with little issue his entire life, being a loyal servant of the Hallowed Circle Coven that rescued him all those years ago. Recently, Chester has been dealing with his adoptive mother’s health decline and subsequent move into a care home the next city over.

[xaracosmia]

ꕥ — WELCOME TO CATA COSMIA, MIKE SCHMIDT. 🌕

ꕥ — OOC INFORMATION;

name / alias: Peter age: 21 pronouns: he/him ooc contact: PetePepsi (Twitter and Tumblr) other characters in xc: Josh Futturman

ꕥ — IC INFORMATION;

name: Mike Schmidt age: 28 pronouns: he/him series: Five Nights At Freddy’s (Film) canon point: one week before film epilogue app triggers: Child murder, child abduction, mentions of death and suicide of a loved one, drug misuse/addiction

personality: Mike is vulnerable with a tough exterior, emphasis on the vulnerable. He’s deeply empathetic, haunted by his past and the more recent traumas he’s faced (nearly getting murdered by the same man who killed your brother will do that to ya), and slow to trust. He tries to keep his emotions in, and leads with a dry, uncaring facade, but he wears his emotions on his sleeve if you know where to look. He has a deep-rooted anger inside, at the world that took his family from him, and at himself for failing to save them from it.

something your muse struggles with: His explosive temper. Mike bottles things up, and can snap at a moment’s notice. He’s small but mighty, and will beat the shit out of someone with (seemingly) little prompting. It’s a result of his trauma, and something he’s working on, somewhat. Though, that mostly manifests in him either leaving the situation or shutting down completely when too upset, for fear of losing control.

your muse’s greatest strength: His determination, willingness to fight tooth and nail to find the truth and protect those he cares about. Though, sometimes this can come back to bite him, his stubbornness and obsessive search for the truth could have disastrous consequences. Double-edged sword.

history/background:

Michael “Mike” Schmidt was born in 1972 in Minnesota (yeah the FNAF movie takes place in Minnesota apparently, I guess). He had an uneventful childhood, two loving parents and one younger brother, named Garrett.

That is, until he was 12 years old. Mike and his family were out going camping. His parents stepped away for a moment, asking Mike to watch his brother, who was playing with a red toy plane. Mike lost sight of his brother for just a moment, helping someone at the campground retrieve their frisbee. Mike heard the sound of a car engine starting, and immediately ran towards the sound, only to see his brother being driven away in the back of a stranger’s car. Young Mike ran after the car, but his brother was unfortunately gone, abducted in broad daylight, right in front of him.

Garrett’s disappearance rocked the Schmidt family. Though, they would receive a new addition some years later, around when Michael was 18, a girl named Abby. But this new addition wouldn’t save the family. When Abby was 5, Mike’s mother would pass away, and his father would take his own life soon after due to grief. Though ill-equipped to raise a child, Mike gained custody of Abby, and put his life on hold to raise her.

Mike had trouble keeping down a job, often getting fired due to insubordination, or getting into verbal (and physical) altercations with fellow staff or customers. But he tried his best for the sake of his sister, putting her as a priority over himself, making sure she was as safe and comfortable as his meager salaries would allow. Meanwhile, his Aunt Jane fought with him to take custody — mainly so she could get the monthly checks from the government. The very same checks that were the only thing standing between Mike and homelessness. (Mike is almost certain she knew this, and was doing it out of spite.)

One day, Mike found a book titled “Dream Theory,” while looking through items at a garage sale. It discussed the concept of using dreams to recall lost memories. Mike was certain that his younger self had seen his brother’s kidnapper, and tried to use the techniques in this book to remember. Every night, for months, years, he would dream the same dream — the afternoon of his brother’s disappearance. He used the 2000s equivalent of ASMR subliminals (and sleeping pills, which he had been prescribed for his chronic insomnia) to help out, but never managed to see the face of the kidnapper. Only managed to retraumatize himself, over and over and over. Never letting himself move on, forgive himself, or forget a single detail of his mistake.

In April of 2000, Mike had an altercation at his mall security job. He had an episode and beat the living daylights out of a man he believed to be a kidnapper, right in front of his kid. He got fired for this, as you can imagine. He sought out the help of career counselor Steve Raglan to help him get a new job, and though Steve was a bit cagey, he did manage to offer him something: overnight security at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. Mike initially refused, refusing to work nights so he could take care of Abby and continue his nightly search for answers.

But, Jane issued him an ultimatum at the next appointment with Abby’s psychologist. Either Mike would sign over custody of Abby willingly, or she would sue him for it, and make sure he would never see his sister again. He had no choice, he couldn’t lose Abby and couldn’t let Jane take her. He just needed a steady job to look good for the judge, and this was as good a job as any right? He had his friend and longtime babysitter, Max, watch his sister, and went down to Freddy’s.

Mike’s first nights at Freddy’s were mostly uneventful — he continued trying to use his dreams to find Garrett, and met local police officer Vanessa. But, one night, five strangers showed up in his dream — and he would later learn these were the five missing children of Freddy’s. He tries to get their help, but they run away. And, strangely, he wakes up from one of these dreams with a gash on his arm… It’s nothing serious, he assures himself.

Unbeknownst to Mike, his friend Max was unwittingly working with Jane to gather incriminating info on Mike to help her win the custody case. Max and her brother, along with two other men, broke into Freddy’s right after Mike got off shift and trashed the place. His sleeping pills at his desk provide some serious incriminating evidence. Vanessa scolds him for this, and warns him to stop sleeping on the job, throwing his pills away. “When you’re at Freddy’s, you stay alert.”

That night, after Max doesn’t show up, Mike regrettably has to take Abby with him to work. The children again appear in his dreams, but he’s able to ask them for help this time. They seem to agree, but tell Mike that there will be a price to pay… but he wakes up before they can explain more. Mike finds Abby playing with the animatronics, which are moving around on their own! Abby calls them her “friends” and explain that they’re the ghosts of the kids who went missing at Freddy’s. Mike tries to use Abby to get more information from the kids, but it backfires. Abby accidentally touches a stray wire from the animatronics and is electrocuted, nearly dying if not for the intervention of Vanessa.

Mike goes home that night, devastated and guilty that he almost lost another sibling. He calls Jane, believing himself no longer worthy of taking care of her. But, at least according to Jane, if he gives up custody willingly she’ll still allow him to see her. Abby is heartbroken, shutting herself in her room. Mike resigns himself to this, and has Jane watch her as he makes one last desperate move.

Mike buys more pills, makes his way to Freddy’s, and falls asleep back at his desk. His dream is different, the idyllic picnic is peaceful, and his parents and Garrett can see him. The children offer for Mike to stay here, to live in a world where he saved his brother and his parents never left. The only catch? In return, the kids get Abby. Mike impulsively agrees, desperate to spend more time with his shattered family, but immediately tries to take it back. No dice. The spirits of the children attack him, nearly killing him before he manages to snap out of the dream. Only to wake up someplace worse, strapped to some kind of weird killer Freddy mask. He breaks out of the restraints, discovering the bodies of Max and her crew — the animatronics had killed them. He tries to run, almost caught by the animatronics before he’s rescued by Vanessa.

Vanessa tells him the animatronics/children’s spirits are being controlled, manipulated by a man in a rabbit suit — William Afton, her father (TWIST!). She helps Mike break into the building to find Abby, who Mike narrowly rescues from being stuffed inside a springlock suit. He is attacked by the animatronics, but subdues most of them (Mr. Cupcake beats the shit out of him), only to find himself face to face with The Yellow Rabbit himself… the very same man who murdered his brother. He gets his shit kicked in.

Vanessa rescues him and Abby, but is stabbed in the process, seriously wounded. Abby manages to help the kids’ spirits turn against William, and he is trapped inside the yellow rabbit suit, dragged away. The happy little family is reunited.

A few weeks pass, with Vanessa still recovering in the hospital. Abby is doing better than ever, socializing more with other kids. And as for Mike? He’s happy seeing her happy, dedicating himself to be better for her, never taking what he has for granted ever again.

Now let’s see how he fares having all that taken away again. Welcome to the Cosmias, Mikey boy!

powers/abilities: none inherent abilities: none

items/weapons:

Family photo — circa 1984

A red toy plane

A really creepy figure of Balloon Boy

“Visit Nebraska” poster and cassette tape of nature sounds

Copy of “Dream Theory” book

starting ability: N/A starting item: copy of “Dream theory” book

extra:

i’ve been waiting for this one :) collecting josh hutcherson muses like chaos emeralds

discord id: visitnebraska1972

passcode: gee how come your mom lets you have TWO josh hutchersons in your xara cosmia

[1shepherd7wanderers]

What do they think about the Empire? Did their feelings on the matter evolve over time?

Ooh, my first question! Thank you so much! It took longer than I expected, but I wanted to write about all my characters' views on the Empire. The others' are below Hohoka!

Hohoka

As of the end of EW, Hohoka just sees them as people like any other with their own sets of problems and desires. Her opinions up to this point have changed over time. Growing up in Thavnair, she didn’t experience any grief at the hands of the empire, and they weren’t really in her life. She heard her father even traded with them on occasion. After the attack on the Waking Sands, her views began to cloud with anger. It wasn’t until after the end of A Realm Reborn that Hoka lessened up again. And it was all thanks to Triple Triad. Well, not all. One of her own retainers was a Garlean soldier and then she remembered Drust in his hut. It didn’t hurt though that she found out a couple of soldiers enjoyed playing rounds of Triple Triad and she did too. After experiencing so much, she realizes they have families and problems by then, and it only gets stronger all the way to EW.

Kiyomi

She does not condone many of their actions. They've done terrible things and hurt those she cares about and she will always handle the ones responsible with a rage befitting the crime. In her mind though at least they aren't superstitious cowards, which is more than she can say about Doma. She appreciates that they are open and own up to their thoughts and actions for the most part. (In a different life, she even joins the Empire)

Aluette

Ever since she lost her brother to the Empire, she's been prejudiced against those associated with it. Only recently in helping soldiers who surrendered, including Garleans, and visiting Garlemald proper has she started trying to shift her views to not all are evil. Quill helps her work through the tough times too.

Quill

He has mixed feelings towards the Empire. Born in Garlean-occupied Bozja, his family was torn apart in part by the war. Brothers were conscripted into one side or another. But at least his school, sponsored by the IVth Empirial Legion, provided some succor from a home life of neglect. Through his schooling, he also knows of the Empire's mindset, even though he doesn't agree with it. Now, though he works to liberate lands from Garlean control, he will help any soldier who surrenders to him, Garlean or not.

Aisbryda

She is self-sworn to protect those in need of protecting, and yes that often means fighting the Empire. She has seen and met those impacted by the terrible things the Empire does. She couldn't understand it, still can't. But Aisbryda will help a soldier if her gut says so.

Faine

She's a free spirit who just wants to travel and fight. Doesn't care much about the Empire until they get in her way or hurt those she cares about. She was sheltered growing up, so she knows little of the world outside of Coerthas. This included the Empire. 

Odinvel

Growing up in the Empire-occupied Fringes, his family raised him to hate Gridania and the Empire equally. When he ran away to Gridania, he found the Empire was the enemy there too. But he doesn't care too much about politics as long as he and his new family are left alone.

Albi

He knows well the economic impact of the Empire and has heard stories that would give children nightmares of Magitek, blood, and destruction. It framed his view of the Empire when he first came to Eorzea. After everything he's seen, he curses the destruction of historical sites by the Empire but he also knows that not all of them are bad.

[theshoesofatiredman]

Op this is beautiful. Where do I put the rough rage that runs through me when I think about all of the wasted years? Who do I blame when it seems like everyone else around me was born into the same sinking ship?

I don't know if I have a satisfying answer to your question, but I think for me I needed to put it into words. I wrote a lot when I was heavily deconstructing. I journaled about the parts of my life where religion hurt me. I posted a lot on this blog. Every week in therapy I fought to make space for my emotions to be valid even though they hurt. Especially because they did.

I also needed music, I think. Other people's rage and grief turned into music helped me to feel and process my own. Every night when I drove home I listened to my deconstruction playlist like I was putting on armor, reminding myself that my bitterness and frustration and sense of betrayal had a seat at the table, that they were what I was feeling and it was okay to feel that way. It was okay to hold the anger in my hands.

I started to feel the anger slip through my fingers when I was able to experience the freedom found in life outside religion. In Ursula K. Le Guin's The Tombs of Atuan, the wizard Ged becomes trapped at the hands of a young priestess, Tenar, who was dragged into the cult of the Nameless Ones at the age of six. It is all she has ever known. When she is starting to break free of her religion's hold on her mind, Ged says this to her of her gods:

They have nothing to give. They have no power of making. All their power is to darken and destroy. They cannot leave this place; they are this place; and it should be left to them. They should not be denied nor forgotten, but neither should they be worshiped. The Earth is beautiful, and bright, and kindly, but that is not all. The Earth is also terrible, and dark, and cruel. The rabbit shrieks dying in the green meadows. The mountains clench their great hands full of hidden fire. There are sharks in the sea, and there is cruelty in men’s eyes. And where men worship these things and abase themselves before them, there evil breeds; there places are made in the world where darkness gathers, places given over wholly to the Ones whom we call Nameless, the ancient and holy Powers of the Earth before the Light, the powers of the dark, of ruin, of madness… I think they drove your priestess Kossil mad a long time ago; I think she has prowled these caverns as she prowls the labyrinth of her own self, and now she cannot see the daylight any more. She tells you that the Nameless Ones are dead; only a lost soul, lost to truth, could believe that. They exist. But they are not your Masters. They never were. You are free, Tenar. You were taught to be a slave, but you have broken free.

We do not have to serve an apocalyptic god any longer. We were taught to he his slaves, but we are no longer bound in his chains. We're free.

Eventually Tenar becomes physically free of the cult as well and in that moment we get one of my current favorite passages in all of literature:

A dark hand had let go its lifelong hold upon her heart. But she did not feel joy, as she had in the mountains. She put her head down in her arms and cried, and her cheeks were salt and wet. She cried for the waste of her years in bondage to a useless evil. She wept in pain, because she was free.

I think there is going to be a time of weeping, of mourning our years spent in service to a useless evil. But that's not all there will be.

What she had begun to learn was the weight of liberty. Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one. The road goes upward towards the light; but the laden traveler may never reach the end of it.

The road goes upwards towards the light. So much love and joy and meaning can be found in life outside religion. The wasted years feel distant when I'm enjoying life with my boyfriend, when I'm surrounded by my queer friend group, when I'm on hikes or cooking dinner or singing Chappell Roan in the car.

Some days I still feel the anger rise up in me, still cry from the years wasted. But life has gotten bigger and fuller since leaving, and the grief and anger smaller in comparison. I hope it will for you too.

One thing I wasn't prepared for in deconstructing was how angry I would feel about having essentially been lied to my whole life. The world isn't ending. The Christian God isn't real. Jesus was a human man and an apocalyptic preacher who thought the world was going to end in his followers' lifetimes, and he was wrong.

Idk, I guess it's a reasonable reaction but I don't know what to do with it. Where can I put my anger, when those who taught these lies to me were indoctrinated themselves? I hold it in my hands.

[whitherliliesbloom]

lives apart

[ ffxivwrite2022 ] ★ [ masterlist ] ★ [ #14 - attrition ] [ emet-selch, heavy mentions of wol ] ★ [ 902 words ]  ★ [ endwalker ]

attrition - sorrow for one's sins that arises from a motive other than that of the love of god

returned to the aetheric sea, hades realizes the height of his ignorance.

He had thought his gaze of contempt was deserving and just once upon a time - back when he’d still donned the title of Solus, of the ascian who opposed the new age of men. 

An emperor, the godfather, the eldest of elds, he whose judgement is absolute and infallible. He’d gazed upon the splintered shards of the stars and found the newly born denizens wanting - undeserving of the right to live in their stead.

And it was in that judgement- that anger and envy that he’d blinded himself to his own sins and lost the essence of who he once was, what the man in the seat of Emet-Selch should have represented.

And it isn’t until he’s returned here- drifting lifeless, yearning, regretting through the aetheric sea does he remember that girl... does he realize.

Ah, your gaze of contempt was an exact mirror of mine. Poetic, really.

He thinks back to the expression upon the Warrior of Light and Darkness’ face with a sort of affection Solus would have frowned upon with disgust, one that Hades would’ve denied until the very end... but he as Emet-Selch understood the reason for better than any other. 

Whenever he’d pass her and her companions by, whether in the Oculus of the Exarch’s sanctuary of crystals or in the midst of burning stars - a scenic recreation born from the deepest, darkest pits of his memories...he’d watched as she frowned, as she scowled, as she looked upon him with an anger he’d once thought was undeserving. 

Who was she to cast judgement upon his actions as if she was worth an ilm of her life? Who was she to thwart his efforts? Who was she to deny them, to deny their hopes and dreams, to deny their right to live - their right at their anguish for the unfairness of their fate.

How unfair, Solus snarks, the man who conquered and crushed and has learned to justify it all, it’s two completely different matters. How ironic, Hades chimes in, the man who has remembered their meeting in elpis from so many ages ago, that you should echo the very same words she has all the right to be saying to you.

Emet-Selch keeps silent, haunted by both and eternally denied of his sound rest as he drifts and drifts with naught but his thoughts. 

A voice from the past sounds in his head, one that he knows to be a fragment of his imagination... but one that resonates loud all the same.

And what of you? Running from your mistakes is quite unbecoming of one of the fourteen, don’t you think?

Oh, yes. Ever so self-righteous, you are, Emet-Selch and Hades mutters back with a roll of their metaphoric eyes... You’re just like your mentor.

But they know her words to be true, they know her words to be just. 

Azem’s words cut deep, as does her soul-piercing gaze and intuition, her creativity, her insight, her intellectual depth. There were many things about Azem that he’d remembered, none he didn’t look back upon with a longing fondness. But most importantly of her was her morality, her altruism... and her ever so unique stance on the world - that all life is important, all life must be cherished.

Azem’s soul had been so tenacious, so determined in her mission to help those around her that even sundered as she was, she had been reborn fourteenfold, with the exact same selflessness and fire within her. 

And the tragedy of it all comes with the part he played in trying to smother her light - to extinguish the love and hope she represented. He hadn’t realized... refused to realize until it was too late.

Was it regret? Was it grief? A part of him believes he has no right of such emotions, and another, more prideful part of him says it is merely indignation at his defeat... that he should be so weak as to lose to just a fraction of Azem’s power. Pathetic. 

But what he does know - he as Emet-Selch.. who has regained memories of Hades and Solus both... is that he has made his final judgement, his final decision. 

Not on the right of the new age to live, not on the worth of existence. But of himself. 

Who is it that he wants to be? What name is it that he wants to be remembered by?

Solus zos Galvus, the man who tore apart countless homes and almost single-handedly destroyed the lives of many, many innocent generations to come? Hades, the man of duty who worked alongside a mysterious starlight from the future.. the man who forgot.

Or Emet-Selch, the man who knows, who remembers, who has carried the weight of a thousand, thousand lives upon his shoulders and who had become blinded on his conquest for a past that was never to be returned. Of the man who has the sole duty of eternal guilt and sorrow for all that he has done.

He has made his decision, and not a moment too soon, as he feels the pull of his soul being summoned by a magic force all too familiar and warm.

Antheia. 

No. Illya. 

Hers is a call he will never refuse. Her beckoning is one he will always answer. 

It’s the very least he could do to atone - the very least he could do to repent.

[annmarcus63]

GIVE US TO HIM

Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion

Warning: this might hurt a little

on ao3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/34157128

Grandma said once that to give away your raw score is forbidden.

"Your heart in it's full rawness, chaos, is a precious and dangerous thing. Never you should do something as giving it to someone else."

"But our ancestors used to do it. Look ma ¡look!" said Jaskier holding his story book on the air for grandma's tired eyes to see. A handsome knight was lying on the dry grass, dying from a wound on his stomach. He started calling for his love, an ancient fae with blond hair and fair skin. She fell upon the prairie from the charged clouds, with something shiny between her hands. The fae feed the wound with her raw core, her heart. The knight lived along side her, flying amongst the starry night, happily ever after. "This are just stories, Julian" said Grandma with contened anger in her dry voice. She took the book and close it on her thighs "Things were rarely like that. Knights and kings are more inclined to use our cores against us and other people. We can't recover from that loss" Julian look at the drawing on the coverbook, the fae was kneeled by a pond and the knight stood glorious in practically all the cover, leaving a very small space for the real hero, the one who save the life of the protagonist.

"Never give your raw core away. Stop reading these, THEY wrote this, Julian, you must be clever than her" said Grandma pointing at the beautiful fae. Julian nod, undesrtanding much more that he wanted to, and so little, so so little. Maybe that was the reason his family were hiding, they never express it in a literal way, that was the point really, but Julian notice anyway. The way, for example, of how they said their names and the rust taste that was left on the air after. It was common to hide their real names for fae, but you'd give that name knowing it's false, on the opposite when you say the false name thinking is the real one then another fae would know. Losing the self was something of a disease between the fae. Jaskier later knew that his parents have not choice but to lose themselves to save the lineage. Most fae really. Humans did that. Like they did to the elfes. Julian promise to never forget about the fae from his last storybook. He'll never forget about her sacrifice and the sacrifice of his people. But come on, after some years it was just naturally that, despite the wound on the history, a selfish creature he was and he forgot. He was raised as human, and he wanted to be a bard oh how he want it. And he did accomplish that, and a bloody good one that's for sure. Fae were extinct for all the world and that wasn't a cover, they're doomed to extinction sooner or later. It has been years since the last time Jaskier felt another fae being born. He is Jaskier troubadour, master of the seven liberal arts a mastermind amongst the crowds, a legend…an idiot most of the time basically.

What grandma failed to mention is that for a fae to be able to give their core away the recipient must be worthy at the eyes of the fae. Once this worthiness makes evident, that person would plant roots in the core itself, whether the fae want it or not. It's inevitable. Grandma should have said "be aware of where you place your heart. Hold it until you're fully sure of them" But well, it wouldn't have matter in the end. Jaskier have never being someone who follows advice, much less from his dead relative. It happened naturally, like breathing, eating and shitting. One moment he was standing next to Geralt under a pouring rain, the witcher kept looking for a missing girl on the edges of the woods, her parents place a bounty on the towns board, they couldn't offer payment in form of crowns but they're willing to let them sleep on the girl’s room. Jaskier became indignant, how a witcher is supposed to take a payless bounty? No, that is unacceptable. But despite the protesting bard and zero reward whatsoever Geralt went anyway, he look for a girl who surelly was already dead.

"I found her body near the cave by the pond. You can go for her by morning when it's safe. I'm sorry" after a minute of silence the parents with equal expression of cold sorrow release a heavy sigh charged with so much grief.

"What did it?" asked the father

"Nekkers. I got rid of the pack living there"

"Thank you, witcher. You and your bard can come in, i'm sure you're exhausted” Said the mother with great effort, like someone who can't breathe quite well.

Geralt rapidly added "No, I'm sure you and your husband need time to resign and mourn alone. My bard and i already had another place to stay" Eh, no they didn't.

"But...we don't have any crowns"

"I didn't do this for payment" And while the parents thanked infinitely to Geralt, Jaskier felt something wild and untamed surging from his chest. Reaching unabashed for the witcher with a big golden heart standing next to him, explaining to a mourning parents that he went to search for their lost daughter because he wanted to help. This new awareness of chaos, he knew what it was.

Chaos, core, raw.

And it had marked Geralt as his. We want him.

Give us to him. He's worthy.

He was doomed, so doomed from the very beginning since they encounter each other on Posada. Grandma tried to warn him of this. Oh grandma, you and i both know that I was never obedient or wise. So Jaskier let it happen, four years after knowing the witcher and his raw core already belong to him. But he didn't do it. He hold back despite the urgency on his chest because he wasn't sure it'll be welcome. Geralt was still trying to get rid of him in every town, sometimes Jaskier felt like a pet you don't want but you can't abandon it either. Surely there'd be a time in the future. And Jaskier wait and fell in love deeply with each passing year. And Geralt...well he was the same and also different in his own way, more at ease around him, softer maybe. Jaskier didn't need to be call a friend to felt like one to Geralt. They're friends, even if one part has being in denial for the past decade.

And then the djinn happened follow by the complicated affair with one Yennefer of Vandenberg. The curse caused the core to retreat afraid and wounded. He hurt us, he wished to hurt us. Jaskier argued with the voice that it wasn't his intention, he didn't even know he was the one with the wishes. In truth his heart shattered not for the wish but for the easiness in which the sorceress become someone important to Geralt, something to hold on to even if drowning. One decade and still Jaskier thinks he haven't reached that relationship level with his friend.

He doesn't want us

No.

"Uhmm?"

"What?"

"You said no"

"Oh, it's nothing" Geralt didn't ask again

But weak and in love he was, the raw core and him reached out again, with fully open arms for Geralt to pull. Jaskier long to belong to him, oh how he did.

Yennefer and her shining imbecile knight join the hunt and he was jealous because as soon as she appear the witcher was drooling as if she was all he needed to shut down the darkness inside.

Don't you know? inside me there's a full light waiting for you to hold

At the softness of the afternoon Jaskier found Geralt sitting on a rock lost, as usual, in though. But this time were different, he had failed three people, Borch's dead has left a wound that surely would scar badly. And the bard felt a deep sadness for his golden heart witcher. He's definitely blaming himself for the fall, for that narrow and insecure path alongside the mountain as if he was the one to build it.

Jaskier asked him to come with him to his home, to the coast, he yearn to be there with him and feel the sea wind on their faces while walking by a cliff near a quiet village that Geralt wouldn't mind to visit.

We want to be his.

Give us to him.

We can love him better.

But Geralt didn't want him, he wanted Yennefer.

He give himself to him anyway.

"Here" said Jaskier putting a hand on Geralt's thigh, surprise, instead of flinching away Geralt held Jaskier's hand and with most carefulness took what was inside the palm. A small glass vial, similar to the ones where he pours his potions. He held it on his gloved open hand. There was something inside, warm and inviting. White, almost yellow that make Geralt felt calm and safe.

"What's this?"

"A gift. It'd take care of you" Geralt frown at him, confused and uncertain of what it meant, but he took it with a barely there smile only for Jaskier to see.

He's a coward, he couldn't confessed him the reality of what it meant because he was terrified of being rejected, grandma said that a rejection is so devastating that it might kill him. And even at this point in their friendship Jaskier couldn't know for sure.

It's me. Take me, i'll protect and save you if needed to. Have me, please have me.

Geralt went that night at Yennefer's tent and Jaskier felt glad for not having told him the truth

"If life could give me a blessing it would be to take you off my hands"

No, no, not now.

They're doing fine.

And then very fast very suddenly Geralt reached for his breast pocket to held the vial of raw core on his fist and toss it unceremoniously to the hard soild.

The noise of shattered glass invaded Jaskier's ears before the heavy blankness surged from his chest to every corner of him.

“No, no, no” said he, giving a fumbling step towards the vial but deciding to turn around instead.

Away away away away.

He can't see me like this.

Something was tearing in fine lines caused by the trembling, an earthquake from his very bones that were fighting on maintaining their solid formation. Something inside was bawling with such and intensity that make his ears bleed.

Was this dying? let it be death for he can no longer take it. Does breathing always hurt this much? like if his lungs were filled with wool and the air only add heaviness on them. What was this? a beating heart, so afraid so betrayed, like a laugh from his ancestors. He wanted to throw up his intestines, they're on fire, but when he tried only saliva flood. He was not himself anymore, and to become whole was an impossibility that the pain was making sure off. Dirt get inside his mouth, his cheek on the ground was getting cut by rocks. A voice calling for him to react, to say something. But he no longer have a voice, he was death itself preparing for a long dream.

I’m sorry grandma.

I'm sorry, said to himself

and he remembered the blond fae on the cover book between grandma's hands, of how she give her life to save her love one, but who'd give their life for her?

who'd give their life for him?

He needed to sleep, right here on the mountain ground, to become whole again or at least half whole.

He begged for death instead.

[itsclydebitches]

Rewatching RWBY there's this chilling lack of empathy through the volumes that I used to just wave off. Yang has no empathy for Tai, Blake is just entirely about what Blake needs, Weiss almost kills a woman at a party and her takeaway is 'my dad is mean so I'm going to run away'. Qrow sinks hard into depression in vol. 6 and Ruby's reaction is to yell she's never needed him. No one has EVER helped a civilian. It's so prevelant. Knowing how 7&8 go really changes the earlier writing.

I think there was a great deal of well-written empathy in the early volumes — after all, this cast was designed as the kind, well-meaning heroes — but that care was expressed almost solely within the group itself. Ruby sits by Jaune in the hallway and says "Nope!" to his self doubt. Weiss offers Ruby a hand up after she fails to kill the death stalker. Yang seeks out Blake and gets her to open up about what's bothering her. Now, I want to emphasize that there's nothing inherently wrong with this. It actually makes perfect sense. These are our main characters and they're written as peers co-habiting the same space. Of course whatever emotional growth we get, which automatically includes moments of compassion, would be directed towards each other. Similarly, the dynamics originally introduced — that of teachers and parents — likewise (rightly) puts the burden on the adults to provide the comfort, not the other way around. Port snaps Weiss out of her arrogant mindset. Ozpin reassures Ruby about her leadership worries. Tai is there to support his daughter when she's recovering from a lost limb. That's the natural order of things, so to speak.

The problem, to my mind, begins to occur when the group exits those dynamics. They're no longer students, they're licensed huntsmen. They're no longer kids, but equals who never needed adults in the first place. They're no longer doing things for themselves and their friends on personal downtime, they're doing them for the community at large as a profession (to say nothing of the world-altering war they've insisted on shouldering responsibility for). That's what a huntsmen is meant to be, a defender of the people, not someone who uses that power for personal interests alone. All of this is a huge change from where we started out: cutesy kids going off on comparatively low-stakes adventures because one or more of their teammates are invested, only just beginning to realize that they're signing up for a job where their desires come second (that fireside conversation at Mountain Glenn).

This change invites — demands, really — that the audience read them differently too. Qrow's spiral in Volume 6 is a good example of this. If Ruby is demanding to be treated not just as an equal in terms of maturity and experience, but also as the primary leader of this group, then the viewer expects her to treat her uncle as an equal too, not dismiss his hardship. I've seen numerous fans defend that arc with some version of, "He's her uncle. He's supposed to take care of her. He's failing" but that, according to the show, is no longer the dynamic. Qrow is now just a member of Ruby's team, someone she's responsible for as their leader. It's easiest to see the problem if we switch out Qrow for any of the other members. If Blake developed a drinking problem, do we think Ruby would just shout at her until she magically got over it? If Jaune endangered the group, do we think they'd all be angry about it, rather than trying to figure out the source of what caused the mistake? We don't even need to think hypothetically for that one because we saw it on screen. Jaune attacked Oscar and drove him off, not just threatening him, but arguably endangering the whole team by requiring a search party. Fans have long insisted they had to steal that airship right then because being in Argus was too much of a risk, but if we buy that reading (which I personally don't, but), then that means Jaune made things exponentially worse by forcing them out into that super dangerous city, rather than allowing everyone to stay hidden inside. He made a massive mistake which, according to the logic of Qrow's arc, should be met with frustration, disdain, and eventual demands to get over his anger at Ozpin or ship out. But, of course, he received nothing but concern. Yang was worried about him, not Oscar. The search becomes about his grief for Pyrrha and his team's willingness (as well as Pyrrha's family member) to provide more comfort. Suddenly, the tendency to express care solely towards those within the group becomes a flaw the story won't acknowledge.

And then it spirals. The thing to remember is that no single act here is bad on its own, especially when we consider that yes, we want flawed characters. Rather, it's about the pattern. Ruby is allowed to get mad at Qrow for his behavior and chuck her scroll in frustration. She's human. I'd be crazy frustrated too. However, if Ruby is meant to be written as a caring, sympathetic character, she should not only respond to the situation with frustration, yelling, a refusal to listen, and demands that he follow her lead, no questions asked. We can, and should, acknowledge that Weiss was the victim during that party. Her father was hurting her, the woman was beyond insensitive, Weiss was triggered in regards to a horrific event, and her power acted on its own. However, if we want to write Weiss as a compassionate, mature huntress to-be, she should acknowledge that she nearly killed someone — even an asshole someone — and vow to work on her control because she's not willing to put someone in danger like that ever again. Both of these moments have a "They could have been handled better" response attached to them — the former more-so than the latter imo — but these moments are made far, far worse due to later events in the show, events where the characters are cruel without any justification attached. Weiss didn't mean to attack that woman, but she did mean to ignore Whitely and threaten him with her weapon. So once we see that, it informs our understanding of what came before it. "Oh. The fact that Weiss never reacted to nearly killing someone isn't just a bit of missed potential, it's an early indicator that she... doesn't seem to care. If she endangers people, threatens people... that's fine with her." The group has a right to be frustrated with Qrow. The group did not have the right to magically steal Ozpin's entire life story, assault him, and blame him for the world's problems until he felt his only course of action was to run from them. So when we see that it becomes, "Oh. The fact that the group treated Qrow so poorly isn't just a one-time mistake born of a stressful situation and young adults being out of their depth in regards to alcoholism. They really will just abandon anyone the moment they start making mistakes." Anyone outside of their group, that is.

To say nothing of how all of these moments interconnect. Yang's recovery isn't just about getting used to not having an arm, it's about getting used to having a new one. Weiss' party isn't just about nearly killing someone, it's about not committing manslaughter because someone else stepped in. The Volume 6 arc isn't just about trying to escape with the Relic, it's about trying to get it somewhere safe. Fans frustrated with Ironwood's treatment don't harp on these details out of some desperate attempt to make him look good post-murder spree, rather, they recognize that he's a character that's been around since nearly the beginning, originally written as a good guy, and thus has accumulated a number of key connections with the cast. So when none of those connections are acknowledged during an arc about trust... that makes the group look very uncaring. Yang doesn't care that he gave her the arm, Weiss doesn't care that he saved her from hurting/potentially killing someone, Qrow doesn't care that he's trusted Ironwood for years (in a rival-bros way) and that they've been heading towards him this whole time. And when Ironwood begins to spiral, they don't do anything to try and help him, let alone acknowledge that their own choices, that lack of trust and empathy, had a hand in getting them here. "But it's not their responsibility to fix him!" Isn't it? Even a little? Just as human beings seeing an ally struggling under horrific decisions and circumstances? Sure, they don't have to try... but that doesn't make them look very heroic to my mind. And we can't even shrug that off by simplifying things with, "Well, Ironwood is evil now so who cares about him." They simultaneously don't care about finding Qrow who is missing, then captured. They don't do anything to try and find their missing teammates, with the exception of sending May to do it instead. They don't help the army fight off the grimm. Don't try to make sure Pietro and Maria had portals to escape through. Barely hesitate when the newly resurrected characters goes, "Kill me. That's the easiest thing for everyone." And these are just a few of the big ticket moments. It doesn't even begin to cover all the details we get that paint a picture of, "Wow okay. They just really don't care about people outside the group, huh? I mean, they say they do, in a life-or-death way, but they're not putting forth effort to show it on a daily basis."

And if you pick up on all that, if you acknowledge how much the group has changed based on where they started out, you might wonder when in the world that started. Surely we didn't just flip a switch around Volume 6. So you re-watch early stuff and, sure enough, there are moments that feel like setup for what's to come later. Not intentional setup (quite obviously), but a lack of care towards details across the series that, once the dynamic changed, became far, far more pronounced. Characters should be at least somewhat recognizable from start to finish, especially characters who have only experienced about two years of in-world time, so if we now get to see Ruby blandly commenting on all the people who are dying, or Weiss using her weapon as a means of coercing her little brother into doing what she wants, or Yang and Jaune dismissing Ren until he gives in to their point of view... we're going to look for the beginnings of that behavior early on. As you say, we were able to wave all those little details off due to a number of important factors. Now though? Now they feel like they hold a lot more weight, simply by virtue of that early material proceeding what we have now.

[deans-haunted-baby]

Okay I see there are those who are confused as to why most of us are pissed about 15x19 I will gladly explain in depth:

Let’s start off with our boys Adam Milligan & Michael. These characters have not been seen for 10 fucking years. During that time there were Adam stans like myself campaigning like mad to have him and the infamous archangel return for some much needed closure. We had to content ourselves with headcanons, fanfictions and metas based on what we briefly knew of Adam and Michael as people while they unfairly sat in Hell. You might have seen the “Adam’s Still in Hell” memes that circulated. WE WAITED OVER A DECADE FOR THIS. And finally SPN answers our prayers and returns these boys back into the story for the final season. None of us anticipated what their arc and dynamic would look like. Before we could only imagine who these two characters were/are after having been trapped in a cage so long; what their personalities would be like and if they’d be antagonistic to TFW. 15x08 was a surprise because not only were Adam and Michael likable right out of the gate but the writing for them and their dynamic was damn near flawless! And Jake fucking stole the show he killed it as these two. It’s a crime they were not featured in more episodes because the chemistry between these characters is amazing and they’re played by the same dude.

We were given so much background into both Adam and Michael’s psyches in just a short period of time. Their motivations, interests and how they viewed those that wronged them (like the Winchesters); how Hell affected/changed them both and how they viewed their families. We got to see them banter, cooperate with one another and most importantly their different personalities. With Jake Abel appearing in only a handful of SPN episodes, he still fleshed out Michael and Adam beautifully; giving them layers and complexities that most side-characters (who’ve appeared more times than they have) didn’t. The way Jake played Adam’s anger and resentment towards his brothers was brilliant because it’s more under the surface compared to his angsty teenage self in 5x18. He’d become somewhat restrained, laid-back, gentler and wiser which works because Adam displays traits similar to Sam and Dean. He’s kinder and has a sense of humor but none of that distracts from rational thought as he’s quick to analyze and dissect situations. Man, he would’ve made a great hunter/Men of Letters recruit. We know right off the bat Adam’s pissed at his brothers for abandoning him in a thousand-year-prison-sentence and didn’t lift a finger BUT that ironically doesn’t compromise his willingness to help them unlike his past self in 5x18. Jake gets the point across with this character without saying much and that’s what made him so compelling to watch in this episode.

Now Michael was even more of a mystery onion since he wasn’t onscreen as much as Adam had been in past episodes so Jake got to really build on top of this character. Going from the uptight, cold-blooded merciless celestial warrior/dutiful son of God we saw in 5x22 to someone whom despite his arrogance and regal princely demeanor was very human, intelligent, fair, mindful and compassionate. He trusted Adam and respected his opinions even if he didn’t agree 100%. Whereas most angels take over the vessel completely from their original occupant; Michael chooses to share his vessel with Adam as a mutual agreement which says a lot about who he is. He’s fascinated with humanity and wanted to explore it instead of returning to his throne in the clouds. We know that Michael was created specifically to be Humanity’s protector and guardian of Heaven and Earth so these quirks he’d demonstrated in 15x08 aren’t too far off. He holds a lot of pain inside from his abandonment issues with his father whom he loves to a fault and grief over the death of his brothers. On the surface there’s very much an abused child syndrome thing going on with him though he masks it with a domineering presence. And above all this we saw that he was capable of forgiveness. Whether or not Michael always had these traits inside to begin with, its very evident that his friendship with Adam influenced the person he became post-Hell. And that was someone who, like Castiel, chose to rebel for the sake of free will by aligning himself with the Winchesters after witnessing the evil his father had committed. He actually cared about saving the world. This is what we call character development.

What does 15x19 do? It shits all over that. We don’t get to see Adam and Michael’s dynamic at all; and this was perhaps one of (if not the first) most healthy portrayal of a relationship between an angel and its original vessel occupant in the history of Supernatural. Adam is just killed off-screen Thanos style without so much as one last word and Michael barely reacts like he gives a crap. It was just established to us in 15x08 that he’d developed an emotional bond with Adam through years of inhabiting the same body. He protected Adam while they were trapped together in Hell. They were each other’s only friend and source of comfort. They’d developed a certain co-dependency on each other while respecting one another’s space. They’d both made peace with their joint situation. All they had was each other and the writing in 15x19 basically tells us their relationship meant absolutely NOTHING to Michael based on his OOC actions in this episode. He shows up much darker and shadier now that Adam is gone and its like all those years of friendship, things like that independence, newfound strength and humility he’d gained from living with a human for so long are erased. Michael just reverts back to Chuck’s 5x22 bitchboy persona in the most ridiculous 180 shift I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life. And all because his little brother called him mean names. Pitiful. Just when he lectures Lucifer about standing up for what’s right; he betrays his own words, his allies and the rest of humanity in T-minus 2 minutes. That is total character assassination. Nothing about this motivation makes any sense.

There’s no build up to it, no foreshadowing in 15x08 or throughout 15x19 until they get to the lake. He’s completely deconstructed as a character in this episode and rendered weak. It’s like 15x08 never happened. Stripped of all his development for lousy shock value. Instead utilizing all of what he’d learned through Adam and sticking it to Lucifer by proving he could be more than what Chuck tried to mold him into; Michael becomes just another NPC in the story forfeiting the hero he was. And his reasons for siding with Chuck are never specified. Was it about about saving Adam? Was it about proving something to Lucifer (whom he’d already killed in anti-climatic fashion)? Was it all an act that he was in on with the Winchesters; cause there’s absolutely NO FUCKING WAY they could’ve predicted he’d flip on them like that for their magical plan to work. Not after everything Chuck’s done, killing Adam and Jack and leaving Michael to rot in Hell for eternity. And why would he suddenly go along with destroying the Earth when defeating Chuck would probably get Adam back (if that was his goal) which IT DID not to mention its his sworn duty to freaking protect humanity, hello? So his betrayal meant jack shit in the end as it got him killed by his fucking dad!! He’s brought back into the show only to be ruined forever and killed off in the stupidest fashion.

Moving on.

Jack Kline & Castiel. This iron-clad relationship has been in development for 4 in 1/2 years since before Jack was even born. And next to Adam & Michael its the other most healthy relationship on the show. Castiel, a million year old celestial being, spent the first 9 years of his arc on Supernatural following around the Winchesters, being torn between his loyalty to them and to Heaven. He rebelled when he was supposed to be a straight-by-the-book warrior of God. And he defied every rule in the process even when the odds were stacked against him. There was an endless rinse and repeat cycle of love, loss, betrayal and redemption when it came to his relationship with Sam and Dean. It made his character complex, interesting and layered but it still didn’t give him an arc that was his own. Castiel started out moreso being written as just the Winchester’s angel BFF/side-kick. Until Lucifer got Kelly Kline pregnant in 12x08 then things really took off. Before this, Castiel was a lost soul. His faith was broken, he was depressed, lonely, battered and rundown from years of being conflicted over the other angels and Sam & Dean. He felt he’d lost a sense of self and meaning in his life. And didn’t have a mission. Once he turned on Heaven’s orders, Castiel was a rebel angel without a cause so to speak. But like I said this changes the moment he meets Kelly.

Originally Castiel was suppose to kill Kelly in 12x19 because she was carrying the child of the devil and Nephilim are considered forbidden abominations. Told that if Lucifer’s kid was born he could unleash even more evil into the world. But instead of doing what he thought he should, Castiel decides to runaway with her. Choosing to protect her from all threats (Lucifer, demons, other angels, princes of Hell); this especially included the Winchesters. During this short time-frame the angel develops a strong, emotional bond with Kelly and her unborn son that stretches all the way to the S12 finale; to the point where it actually gave him a power-boost. From the womb, Jack appoints Castiel to be his father and protector and he’s given a glimpse into the child’s destiny that he’ll bring paradise to the world. A prophecy that the writers establish head on. This is an unusual circumstance because right here is where Castiel’s solo arc apart from the Sam & Dean takes shape. The journey of becoming a first time parent and guardian. Its a new kind of independence that for the first time has nothing to do with his friends or his family members/colleagues in the sky. Its his own personal mission that he willingly accepts, the second he connects with Jack from inside Kelly. Castiel immediately falls in love with him, before they even see each other; and adopts the boy devoting himself to keeping him safe. Making a promise to Kelly that would later become a vital plot-point in the seasons to come.  

Castiel literally risks everything (Heaven and Earth) to ensure Jack’s birth and ends up dead by 12x23′s startling conclusion. Leaving the newborn infant Nephilim alone in the care of the Winchesters going into season 13; scared, confused and aged into a seemingly 18 year old boy for his own protection. And Alexander Calvert who is a fantastic addition to the cast really brings something wonderful to this role; he’s like a breath of fresh air and a bright light in the middle of a dark room. Jack’s naïve, innocent and curious about his surroundings but also as Castiel once put it “remarkably intuitive”. Right when he’s introduced his arc is intentionally paralleled with Castiel’s. Their alien-fish-out-of-water beginning is practically identical as is their adorable stoic facial expressions. Like father like son. And this helps because while the angel is currently dead in the beginning of season 13, there’s an empty void he’s left behind. So Jack is kind of his temporary stand-in. Odd enough this type of switcharoo would’ve been considered very controversial but it’s handled quite well. Alex is so likable and charming I almost wish Supernatural had introduced him sooner. I mean I really thought I was looking at Castiel’s actual mini-me and not the son of Satan. But I digress Jack’s story in the first half of this season is pretty much about discovery and reuniting with Castiel. He’s a baby so everything is new to him but he’s also one of the most powerful beings in the universe destined for greatness which makes the Winchesters very nervous.

Jack remembers choosing Castiel as his dad which is why he already feels strongly connected to him. Its a bond so powerful that it actually resurrects Castiel out of the Empty the first time. Something Chuck himself was unable to do (that was until the mess that is 15x19). When they’re finally reunited the payoff comes so naturally. Misha and Alex have such a phenomenal onscreen chemistry starting with that first hug; they really play off one another so well that it doesn’t feel like two angels interacting but a genuine father and son duo. So much of what makes Jack and Castiel’s relationship so relatable, deep and endearing is because of what the actors bring to it. But they’re not just a fascinating relationship, they’re compelling on their own too. Both trying to find their way in the world and within the Winchesters’ lives. Death is no stranger to either of them (tragic being that Jack is only a toddler). They’ve each experienced their own personal pain, traumas, life lessons, mistakes and decisions. The biggest for Castiel would be his deal with the Empty to save Jack in 14x08. While for Jack it was the consequences of said deal that would lose his soul causing him to accidently kill Sam and Dean’s mom in 14x18 as a result (something that Jack struggles with immensely to the brink of depression from so much guilt and regret that he’d rather die). Repercussions that would follow into the shows final season. What’s interesting about this deal though is that Castiel made it on parental instinct alone not as a promise to Kelly. He chose to sacrifice himself for the sake of his son as a selfless act of love and kept it a secret from Sam & Dean until his death in 15x18. That’s the extent how much this child meant to him. The other great thing about their family dynamic is that it parallels nicely with the Winchesters. Castiel and Jack share this unconditional love that can never be broken. its even greater than their ties to the Winchesters themselves just as Sam & Dean’s love for each other is greater than any of their other relationships. They would do anything for each other. Castiel would go to the ends of the earth for the little nougat baby because that’s his son.  

Each time these characters were faced with danger or died, Castiel and Jack were overcome with extreme devastation and distress. That said its not just pain that binds these two its happiness. Jack is the best thing that ever happened to Castiel. Literally becoming a father to that child saved him. It brought him back to life, restored his faith and gave him a sense of self-worth and hope he’d long since abandoned. And for Jack, Castiel is the best dad he’ll ever have! He gave this baby comfort, wisdom, nurturing, strength. Was always there when he needed him whether it was to talk or to have his back. No other person in Jack’s life has ever made such an important impact nor made him feel more safe and loved than Castiel. Even when Jack had done such a horrible thing to Mary alienating himself from his family; it was Castiel’s unyielding devotion to Jack that ended up being his salvation. This was huge because once again he’d chosen over the Winchesters proving that no matter what (whether it be the world ending) his son comes first. So when Castiel’s pact with the Empty finally comes due in 15x18 you’d think it’d have an earth-shattering affect on Jack in 15x19. I mean for the first bit it does...until he becomes God. Then its like to hell with that relationship. Castiel is a complete afterthought to Jack and the rest of TFW in this episode. JACK DOESN’T EVEN GET TO GRIEVE HIM PROPERLY. And he just lost his dad because of a deal he’d made a year ago for him. A DEAL JACK HAS BEEN FUCKING DREADING WHILE HE WAS SOULLESS MIND YOU. And when he finally has the power to bring him back, he doesn’t? Jack just walks around with a conceited smirk on his face, bids Sam and Dean adieu and fucks off. I mean who gives a shit right, its only your dad that you love more than anything. This was extremely OOC given that time in 14x14 Jack nearly lost his shit when Castiel got infected with gorgon poison; the anti-venom wasn’t working so Jack resorts to using his powers putting his soul at risk.

I mean if he was so limited to helping Castiel in the Empty AT LEAST FREAKING CLARIFIY THIS TO THE AUDIENCE. This is not about shipping a certain pairing btw. Jack becoming God is not the issue its his characterization after the fact. His first instinct would’ve been to save his dad above getting in touch with the Earth. Yes we knew this transformation was coming it was foreshowed way back in Season 12. Does that justify bad writing or character assassination?? HELL NO.

This is what I’m talking about, episode 15x19 deliberately butchers these characters and their relationships. It shat all over them. No one is behaving like themselves. The pacing is wonky and inconstant. The script feels like it underwent several rewrites and I swear there were scenes cut out. The acting is off too and maybe the pandemic could be blamed for these things but it ultimately falls on the writer. Buckleming screwed up by showing us they don’t know who the hell these characters are, their motivations nor do they give a rat’s ass. And its noticeable on screen. I’ve known better fanfiction writers for SPN than these guys. It’s like they all came back to work but just didn’t care to put the effort into it. That’s why people like me are upset and we have every freaking right to be. Some of us have been with this series for the entire 15 year run. I at least expect these characters to be handled better and for things to make sense. 15x19 doesn’t and its not satisfying its just a cruel joke. The writers and Dabb should be embarrassed to have put this out there thinking we’d just swallow it and shut up. But far as I’m concerned the only thing this episode serves is to disrespect and ruin everybody while angering long-time fans.

MICHAEL. ADAM MILLIGAN. JACK KLINE AND CASTIEL DESERVED BETTER. And that’s the tea.

[ufvincent]

hello friends ( lets choose to ignore how late this is. punctuality is not one of my strong suits hahehe ) excited to be here & write ! fun facts abt me before we get started: i work fulltime & tend to knock out as soon as im home thus the lack of activity + i luv fe3h but have yet to finish a single playthru ... #badgamerthings. wiki is my best friend 4ever.  here is his portfolio page & read on to find more :^)

cue rambling & hoping it makes some semblance of sense:

second born (but heir) of the duke of vessalius (a state within gleerium), thus holds the title of ‘marquess’ (which is for the first son of a duke, but he inherited at a young age from his older brother after his death)

early childhood has him loved as the family’s baby but has since been forced to adapt to a certain loneliness as per life’s circumstances 

(the turning point being the aforementioned brother’s death @ the hands of a protester, a grief his parents basically never got over, and in turn is the start of his loneliness, worsens after his mother died a few years back)

anger @ the circumstances leads to many bad decisions, inclination towards self ruination, a lack of respect for both himself and the world at large. (violence Is the key)

father has him oblige to using an alternative outlet for his anger, reminds him of the good his mother represented (as a former star champion for his ppl & known for her warrior prowess, which she put on the backburner to build a family but continued supporting in more of a figurehead position)

pledges to follow in her footsteps and become a good soldier, thus begins his post-grad fixation with training

mostly devotes himself to his training simply bc he feels he no longer has any other purpose in life, there is no passion, its his competitive behavior & need to prove himself that enables him to work hard; moves up the ranks until recently, when a form of self sabotage (re: physical brawling) leaves him injured.  knee takes time to recover, and by then his peers have rushed ahead and begun making names for themselves within the ranks. 

re: aforementioned injury; sometimes u can see him limping around, tho he tries to mask any discomfort. while the pain is real as his injury isnt too old, it is also psychogenic (when fixated on how much hes failed, the pain flares up more)

simply existing. accepted he’s a good for nothing, but reluctant to admit he’s miserable.  pretends he can accept anything that comes his way b/c he has lost the energy to care any further. adopts an  ‘it is what it is’ philosophy to hide behind

(but is also moody, like the type to say ‘lol ok’ b/c he thinks theres no point arguing and then approach u again in 2 min like ‘ok but actually. wtf’.) 

currently on a (forced) journey of a self discovery to 1) figure out what he Can Do before 2) hes subjected to his father’s responsibilities evermore as the role of the dutiful son requires of him. currently favors charity work / going into town to see what needs to be done in order to be helpful (also b/c it keeps him out of their home)

tense r/s with father now, as he essentially hasnt been given the time of day since he became his heir & believes hes his fathers biggest disappointment. 

has no will to care for his own life, exists to date b/c he cares more for his baby sister than anything else/his own self

tl;dr he’s waiting to die

idk what else to put here im crossing fingers ive mentioned all i need to!

plot wise! 

honestly open to anything, i feel there’s more room for antagonism generally considering his family’s position but also. he is slated to be a little infuriating. 

specifically open to filling the younger sister slot since that would be fun! overprotective vincent + family trauma. what a fun time 

pseudo siblings are so imp and so fun. found family is beautiful

in a similar vein, ppl that have known him all his life (whether it means a positive or negative r/s)

he went to lotus academy until he was 18, so possibilities for meeting there! 

or someone he met during/closely trained with during the last 4 years before injury, comrades haha... heart_emoji (open possibilities, with re: training = moving around a lot so ability to meet more ppl (& with or w/o the pretense of his title))

or during his random escapades into town where he can typically get away w/o being noticed. he adopts a new name each time - u know him as like.... nick.,....... subin, ...... bobby.

besties keep u sane. vincent will be the exception 2 the rule (befriend him. its fun!)

i am the worst at jotting down plots but genuinely open to anything, lmk if smth comes to mind and we will make it work!

if u got this far. my liege ... i applaud u  (bowing_person_emoji)