#a lot of topics I could go in deeper like shifting morals and who's the bad guy and is anyone even a bad guy or are they all bad guys?

[bubblegumflavor]

Johnny Lawrence is a character that is always pushed down. Him being physically stronger than Daniel doesn't help his mind being constantly challenged. He enters the Karate Kid with his mind strong, with the will to make it better, to make it work. Yeah he beats up Daniel a lot and worse than excusable, but he just wanted to talk to Ali and Ali is pretty mean to him, promising she will talk but then just plays the music again... Daniel sucker punches him first. Daniel humiliates him at the Halloween party and yeah, they beat Daniel up but Mr. Miyagi.. an adult.. breaking a teenager's arm? (Tommy) instead of acting like an adult and de-escalate the situation? Well..

While Daniel is provoking Johnny constantly, Johnny leaves Daniel alone until the tournament, where he again, gets manipulated, humiliated, loses his father figure, gets robbed of his chance to win fairly, still has the courage to get up and give Daniel the trophy, saying he's alright which is an apology, I don't care what other people say. Then outside him getting beaten and humiliated continues with Kreese almost killing him for ending up second place.

And in Cobra Kai it continues... I mean it's also funny and entertaining but it also hurts me to think about how often Johnny is forced to take charity from Daniel, how he can't stop drinking, how everything is always his fault, how he just feels worth of Carmen's affection after performing miracles for her, how he wanted Ali but Amanda says hahah not on my watch, remember Carmen and he's like oh yeah... right then I must love Carmen, I figured it out! (But it was Amanda actually... lol)

I was just watching season 1 again and especially that scene where Johnny is literally on the ground to get his beer and Daniel shows off his dominance because he has the money, it hurts. I wish we had seen Johnny not taking the beer because Daniel paid it or something. Just walking out. Let the man have some dignity!! (I could go on forever I really feel like it got worse in the show to the point where his whole purpose is to fulfill Carmen's dreams but I am rewatching atm and see if I just made it worse in my head, I at least was able to enjoy season 1 again and thats a personal win since I wasn't able to rewatch after s5)

Johnny paying back Sid and finally cut him out of his life is so satisfying to watch, I'm so glad they did that.

I know he has some wins too like I feel equally sad for Daniel when Cobra Kai overpowers his Miyagi-Do presentation and Daniel was so excited for it.. I love watching them get back at each other and all just some nuances leave a bad taste in my mouth when I'm overthinking it.

I love Johnny so much.. He is my comfort character and thinking about all of this hurts me physically. So I try not to. A lot of this in Cobra Kai was done for comic relief and gave us hilarious moments and if I don't think too much about it I can enjoy them all but I, personally, will never enjoy content where Johnny is portrayed as weaker as Daniel or submissive to Daniel or anyone else. (Which doesn't mean he can't have weak moments and Daniel be the one comforting him, that is sth different and I love that!) (I don't enjoy Daniel being 'babygirled' either but that's a different story, lol)

Just some thoughts I needed to get out of my system with my sunday morning coffee =)

[mdhwrites]

I really like the blog you wrote about trauma, Amphibia and The Owl House, specifically this one: https://www.tumblr.com/mdhwrites/728309819289845760/thank-you-for-defending-amphibia-s3a-you-dont

Your whole discussion on the 'pendulum' of trauma reaction was fascinating to me, and as an aspiring writer, it's something I'll be keeping in mind when I explore trauma in my own works. With that said, you've already talked at lengths at how differently Amphibia and The Owl House handle trauma, but do you have any other examples that stuck out to you as good/bad ways to explore trauma/angst?

First: It means a lot to me that you feel like I've genuinely taught you something. That is a genuine goal for me, even if I've gotten sidetracked from it at times, so it always feels good when someone says I succeeded.

And I have two examples from the same source not so much about dealing with trauma immediately after the fact but different ways of how to use trauma as backstory. How it can actually help form a character's worldview and the like. I have also then failed to get my brain to not becoming a hissing ball of hate (at me) trying to write this up a couple times now because I still struggle to do Star Rail blogs for some reason. sigh

I can't go much into it but luckily, I think Star Rail's 2.1 and 2.2 patches, with the characters Aventurine and Sunday, actually does a lot of it for me if you've played it. In short though, and trying to avoid spoilers: Aventurine uses his trauma backstory to inform personality. We get to see why he keeps people at a distance, where his gambling habit comes from, what it actually means to him, etc. like that. It entirely flipped the character (helped that it also saw a MARKED improvement in his writing from 2.0) for me into someone I could genuinely enjoy and sympathize with. It also didn't try to excuse why he manipulates people and keeps secrets but helped expand on why as a character he sees this as what gives him the best odds, even if sometimes it's not actually out of intelligence. (I keep wanting to do a blog about how they do this and how while it worked for me, it's a gamble the writers themselves pulled that won't pay out for everyone.)

Sunday meanwhile helps us understand his motivation and worldview from the trauma he has experienced in the past. It's even a well thought out enough backstory that it can be played as a core moral quandary: If presented with this evidence, what would you do? And that literally happens in game as a way to help shift the trauma from just being "UwU, sad boy," to "No, this is genuinely important and as it galvanized me, I hope it galvanizes you." It's a backstory with DEEP thematic and narrative importance while also allowing for great character work.

I really wish I could get my brain to go deeper, I could easily expand on both of these characters and their scenes connected to these elements, including how they're structured, but right this moment I can't. I've had this problem with Star Rail for a while honestly that when I want to talk about it, I often really struggle to unless it's IMMEDIATELY after I experience something. It's a lot of what triggered me recently to talk about how I struggle to be motivated by joy.

But that's off topic and my own problem. Sorry I couldn't do more of a lesson with this but I did want to give a response. See you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[five-rivers]

Pennywort and Swallowtails

For @phantomphangphucker :)

Prompt:  Flynn, due to being Phantom’s aka the Ghost King’s family and part of the Zone’s society, receives a Prince title and is now getting crowned.

.

Flynn couldn’t put his finger on exactly why, but the Ghost Zone seemed different lately.  There was something in the atmosphere, almost.  It felt… lighter, maybe?  

He didn’t like it.  

After all these years in the Ghost Zone, he’d come to regard any change from the norm with suspicion.  The tendency had saved his life multiple times.  Usually, such changes were caused by a nearby and powerful ghost.  Or, on rare and terrifying occasions, a not so nearby and obscenely powerful ghost.

For example, that Pariah Dark guy he’d heard about from some of the ghosts he traded with.  Flynn sure was glad someone else had taken care of him.  Not that Flynn was much good in a fight against any ghost more powerful than that annoying one in overalls that showed up whenever Flynn so much as thought of making anything even vaguely box-shaped.

Which wasn’t that often.  Flynn had never really nailed the whole carpentry thing. Ha.  He’d never been super great at the whole square thing either. Because he wasn’t one.  Skipped school and everything.  The whole high school experience.  Ha.  

Sometimes he really cracked himself up, but only in the most depressing of ways.  

He sighed, heavily.  Maybe he should think about spending more time in his hideaway cave, under his cottage (aka his shack, it was a shack, who was he kidding).  Stock up on supplies.  Get ready to weather a storm.  Literal or metaphorical.  

But hiding out in the cave was so boring.  There wasn’t anything to do down there. Except try to design better grass shoes and to patch his increasingly ragged clothing with limited amounts of thread. He preferred being outside greatly. Even if it was just on his little floating island, messing around in his little garden, growing potatoes and blood blossoms, digging for those crystals ghosts seemed to fear and desire in equal measure.

Flynn was peripherally aware that he was supplying the ghosts he traded with the equivalent of ghost uranium (one of the few human-world things he’d picked up was a middle school science textbook), but…

Yeah.  Guy had to eat, and the Ghost Zone didn’t exactly have cops running all over the place, or the United Nations, or… yeah.  Honestly, the Ghost Zone didn’t have much of anything, at least not in these parts.  It was pretty empty around here.  

Just like Flynn’s heart.  

Ha.  

Yeah.  That was a good one.  

Eh.  Life wasn’t so bad.  He was sort-of-kind-of friends with half a dozen undead monsters of questionable morality, had his own house, most of his teeth, and copious free time.  Plus, it had been a while since the ‘rocks from nowhere’ decided to trash his roof.  Which was bad for the sport he had invented (Chucking Rocks into the Misty Void), but good for roof integrity.  And not having a concussion.  Or losing any more teeth.  

But, back to his original topic.  

Flynn glared absently at the Zone at large. Okay, yeah, something was going on. Was it Flynn’s problem? Maybe.  Was it directly Flynn’s problem?  No.  The day was otherwise clear and ‘normal’ (the term being used loosely in the Ghost Zone), so he might as well go about his day—

The sky tore open in front of him.  

Flynn recognized that.  Before he knew what he was doing, he threw himself away from the portal. The last time he’d stepped through one of those—

The thought crossed his mind that this portal might lead back to Earth, back home, back to Mom.  But he knew from his ghostly friends how unlikely it was that the portal would put him anywhere near his home physically, not to mention temporally. It might not even lead back to Earth for that matter.  

He took cover behind a boulder, cursing his blasé dismissal of potential danger.  Who knew what could come out of a portal?  At least according to the ghosts he talked to.  Hopefully, nothing came out that he couldn’t beat into submission with his ectoranium staff.  

This was going to suck so much.  

The portal disgorged three floating eyeball ghosts in voluminous robes.

(One of the other books Flynn had gotten his hands on was a dictionary.  Which he had read.  Twice. Living on a tiny floating island was boring when it wasn’t terrifying.)

Ah, heck.  He could take one ghost.  Three? Yeah.  Not a chance.  

Maybe they’d leave?  They couldn’t know for sure he was here.  With how unpredictable portals were, and all.

“Flynn Walker,” intoned the central eyeball ghost with a great deal of gravitas.  

Flynn’s body did something between a cringe and a blanch.  

He was never trusting Globithar the Lapidarist’s tall tales ever again.  He wasn’t going to give him any more discounts for them, either.  No way to control a portal his scarred left butt cheek.  

“Flynn Walker,” repeated the eyeball ghost, now with a touch of annoyance.  

“In accordance with the laws of the Infinite Realms,” said the leftmost ghost, in a higher-pitched voice, “we call you to take up your position in the Court of the King of All Ghosts as a member of his family.”

Ah, that ectocontamination Aunt Maddie had sometimes talked about had finally caught up with him, and he was hallucinating something fierce. Either that, or these ghosts thought unbelievable jokes were good bait.  They weren’t.  Flynn would know.  He’d made many unbelievable jokes.  They’d never attracted anything but groans.  

Ha.  

“This is ridiculous,” hissed the third ghost.  “He isn’t even a real ghost.”

“He’s more ghostly than Phantom’s sister,” said the second.  

“We don’t have any choice about her, though.  Can’t we simply… not tell Phantom about this Flynn? Especially if this cousin of his is so craven as to hide at a moment like this.”

Rude, but accurate.  

“He’ll find out,” said the first eyeball, tiredly. “He always finds out.  Damn Clockwork.”

This was officially too weird for Flynn.  Why were they cursing out clocks?

“Because they’re petty and don’t have anything better to do.”

Flynn may or may not have shrieked like a little girl at the voice behind him.  The uncertainty was mostly because Flynn hadn’t seen or heard a little girl since he was in the vicinity of his cousin, Jazz, which was years ago.  At least a decade.  

But he did scream.  Loudly.  Which he really should know better than to do, living in the Ghost Zone and all.  He brought his staff up defensively, too, though, so his self-preservation skills hadn’t completely shorted out.

“Clockwork!” chorused the eyeball ghosts.  

“Yes, yes,” said the ghost who’d snuck up on Flynn, flicking imaginary dust off his robe as he smoothly, and dizzyingly, shifted between ages.  “I’m sure you’re all very shocked that I’m here, after you just finished complaining about how much I know.”  He examined his fingernails.  “Now, Mr. Walker—”

“Walker?” shrieked one of the eyeballs.  

“Yes, he is related to our illustrious sheriff. As I was saying, I am here to bring you to your cousins, who have risen quite a bit in this world.”

“What.”

“It is, indeed, rather surprising,” said Clockwork. “To those who cannot see the twists and turns of fate.  Or those who are willfully blind to those twists and turns.”  He eyed the eyeballs.  

“What,” repeated Flynn, more forcefully.  

“Clockwork,” growled the lead eyeball.  

“Allow me to explain,” said Clockwork.  “Do you recall your youngest cousin, Daniel?”

“Uh,” said Flynn.  He adjusted his grip on his staff.  “Vaguely?”

“He was crowned King of All Ghosts a few weeks ago. As a member of his family and an active participant in ghost society, you are automatically a member of the court. Assuming you wish to be, of course.”

“You- You’re saying I have family here.”

“Indeed.”

“Like, Aunt Maddie?”

Something odd passed over Clockwork’s face.  “No.  Your cousins. Daniel, specifically.”

“Wait, wait, he was a baby.  Wouldn’t he only be, like, ten or something?”

“Fifteen,” corrected Clockwork.  

“How did he die?”

“You will have to ask him that,” said Clockwork.  He raised an eyebrow.  “If you would like, you can sleep on this and I will return tomorrow.”

Flynn bit his lip.  Hard.  Okay. He wasn’t dreaming.  And- And this ghost didn’t seem to be lying. What would the point of that even be, anyway?  Flynn was nothing.  He didn’t have anything they could possibly gain by lying like this.  

“I’ll go with you,” said Flynn.  

“Excellent,” said Clockwork, clapping his hands.  “Then let us away to the castle.”

.

Well.  That was certainly a castle.  Or a palace? Flynn wasn’t sure of the difference. The ghosts hadn’t lied about that, at least.  

It was a big step up from Flynn’s house.  Which, honestly, more deserved the title of hovel. Or perhaps shack.  

Or even hole, when compared to all this.  Dear god, this place was fancy.  

Flynn hunched his shoulders, feeling out of place even as Clockwork led him deeper into the massive edifice.  

Come on, Flynn, he thought furiously at himself. Some of these people aren’t even wearing skin.  You are not underdressed.  

Clockwork brought him to a normally sized (which was, incidentally, not a given in this place, which contained both huge and tiny doors) door with understated but elegant carvings.  “Here are your rooms,” said the ghost.  “You will find a selection of clothing in your size in the wardrobe, and the bathroom is fully stocked and human safe.”

“Human safe?”

“Human safe.”

That was ominous.  

“There is a bell in the room that will summon a servant should you need one.  I will collect you for dinner in three hours.  Long enough for you to relax, I should hope.”

Or long enough for him to worry himself into pieces and chew on their curtains.  

… There would be curtains, right?  This place had to be fancy enough to rate curtains.  

He opened the door.  

Lots of curtains.  Lovely.

No, really.  It had been so, so long since he’d seen curtains.  He might be crying.  

Oh, gosh, that bed looked so nice and soft.  He wanted to—

Wait, no, he was filthy.  Filthy.  Covered in years’ worth of grime.  He hadn’t had a proper bath since he’d still been living with his mom.  

Pathetic, right?

There was a human-safe bathroom in here somewhere. Beyond the snark, he was looking forward to having a human-safe bath.  He was craving a human-safe bath.  With clean water and soap.  

Could the bathroom also have toothbrushes?  Toothpaste?  Unrestrained luxury.  

The bathroom door was in the same style as the outer door, but the handle was different, lighter.  The inside was tiled and surprisingly modern.  

There was a sink.  

He played with the sink faucet for several long minutes before remembering that he’d come in to take a bath.  

He spent several minutes playing with the bathtub faucet.  

Then he got into the bathtub and experienced a half hour of combined panic (he didn’t really know how baths worked anymore, and the sensations were weird) and nirvana (the sensations were also good).

He had to keep cycling the water.  Because he made it so, so dirty.  He sank into the water, up to his chin.  

When he got out of the water, he decided his hair was a lost cause.  Because it was always a lost cause.  Only, it was even more of a lost cause now, because it was also wet and had been stripped of its usual protective layer of oils.  

There was a variety of toothbrushes and toothpastes available.  He tested them out and discovered that he would probably need the services of a dentist. A good one.  Were there ghost dentists?  There had to be ghost dentists.  They had a lot of teeth.  A lot of teeth.  Sharp, scary, teeth.  

Ugh.  His baby cousin was a ghost.  He’d probably have teeth like a shark.  When he’d last seen him, he’d hardly even had any teeth at all.  Because.  Baby. Little, tiny, baby.  

Who Flynn barely knew.  

Why did he even want Flynn?  Or was it just some weird ghost tradition thing?  

Ghosts were weird.  Anything could be possible.  

He flopped face-first onto the bed.  His bed?  His temporary and maybe permanent bed.  If he was allowed to stay here.  

Oh, gosh.  Clockwork and the eyeballs seemed to know how to make portals.  Could they make a portal back to the human world? To Earth?  

To Flynn’s proper time?

To Mom?  

He missed Mom so much, even after all this time.  

(Dad?  Not so much. He hardly remembered the man.)

He wouldn’t know until he asked, he supposed.  But asking maybe-royalty would be scary. Talking to all these powerful ghosts was scary enough by itself.  

Ehhhh, he thought he’d gotten rid of his more cowardly side by now.  He was living in the scariest place out of the world.  

Ha.  

Yeah.  

He crawled out of the bed, dragging his nice, clean self to the wardrobe.  Oh, boy. Many clothes.  He hadn’t even seen so many clothes since the last time he’d been in department store.  Incredible.  

They were so fancy, too.  He didn’t know how to choose.  

He didn’t even know how to wear half of these things. At least half of them.  

He began to tease lengths of fabric from the wardrobe and lay them on his bed.  Some of them looked cool.  And also the kind of thing that he’d destroy just by touching it.  

Except he had already touched them, and they hadn’t been destroyed yet.  Yet.

Oh, cool, there was underwear.  Wow.  It had been a while.  

.

Okay.  The bed was incredibly nice, but somehow too nice.  Like, no nap nice.  

He wanted to take a nap.  

But no nap was occurring.  

The bed was too soft.  Ugh.  This was like the thing in that one war novel he’d read when he was probably way too young to read it.  

He groaned.  He hadn’t thought that was real.  He’d thought it was an exaggeration, or just drama.  Or something.  

He crawled off onto the floor and the wonderfully plush carpet.  

Maybe he could sleep here.  

.

He woke up to a faint knocking sound and rolled sideways under cover.  What cover? Oh.  Bed.  That was the bed.  He was in the room.  In the castle.  The ghost king’s castle.  

His baby cousin’s castle.  

He was going to cry.  This was so weird.  

Embarrassed, he rolled back out from under the bed and threw on the first clothes that came to hand.  Which.  Might not have been the best of ideas.  But, hey, he was dressed now.  

He stumbled over to the door and spent several long, embarrassing seconds sleepily remembering how to open doors with this type of handle.  Eventually, though, he managed it.

Clockwork was standing there.  One of his eyebrows went up.  “Interesting choice.”

Flynn looked down.  Orange and green went fine together.  What was he talking about?  

Forget it, he wasn’t about to develop a sense of social shame after living in a hut for a decade or so.  

“Come, now.  Your cousins are expecting you.”

Flynn briefly considered ducking out, phasing through the floor and out of the castle using a tangibility trick he’d picked up a couple of years back.  At least, that would spare him from this ‘diner’ he was rapidly approaching.  

He decided not to do that.  Running away wasn’t his style.  

(Who was he kidding?  That was definitely his style.  He would have run away so, so much if he had anywhere to run to.)

(It wasn’t like he could exactly fight ghosts on even footing.  Each and every one of them had Martian Manhunter’s powerset.)

“Don’t be afraid, Flynn,” said Clockwork, looking back over his shoulder.  

“Do you, like, read minds?”

Clockwork chuckled.  “Only the future.”  He swung the large, gilded door open.  

Inside, there was a long table, set with silvery plates.  There were a small group of children beyond it.  One of them waved at him.  Was that Danny?

Flynn took a deep breath and walked forward, back to his family.  

[gureishi]

hello! i’ve never left an ask before so i’m hoping i’m doing this right? but if you’re comfortable with it, do you have any headcannons on saeyoungs relationship with religion? i haven’t seen many people talk about it. thank you sm, and i love your account!! <3

Hello, sweet anon! I'm honored to be the first ask you're sending. And thanks so much for asking me about this! I don't see a lot of people talking about it either, and I'm sure that's because it’s an incredibly complex topic. I’m gonna do my very best to answer it as thoroughly and honestly as I can!

CW: religion, child abuse and neglect

Saeyoung went to church as a child because it was the only place he felt safe.

I assume that he was allowed to go because his mother counted on the church's charity. It's not clear how much the community knew about their situation—but we know for sure that Saeyoung was coming home with gifts of food (and that he was stealing extra for Saeran, since he knew their mother would sometimes withhold food from him for days at a time).

As a kid, Saeyoung didn't believe in God. He tells us this in the normal end: he went to church for the people, not for a relationship with God. He loved the way he felt when he was there: the atmosphere that was full of warmth and kindness; the way people talked to him like he was a normal child (though he'd never seen himself that way); the glimpses he got into other people's lives. The community itself was a sort of religion for him—and he believed in many of the things he heard when he was there. He listened closely to the sermons, and he formed many of his core values based on what he heard: that all people have dignity; that the most vulnerable should be protected and uplifted; that everyone's life is precious.

But it was difficult for him to reconcile the idea of all-powerful and all-loving God with the image of his brother at home, tied up and hungry.

He prayed when he was at church, wanting desperately to believe. If you're real, he'd think furiously—wondering helplessly if his thoughts meant anything at all—then why have you left my brother all alone?

And then he was sent to the agency, and Saeran really was alone, and it was all he could do to maintain his sense of self.

Agents are not meant to have religion. Agents are not meant to have beliefs or values or morals. They're not meant to have families or relationships or any ties to this world.

A good agent stands for nothing—and the training is designed to strip them of the things that make them human.

And he was a preteen: he was just starting to figure out who he was. So it was then that Saeyoung disappeared; if he thought too hard about where he’d come from and what he’d lost, he’d fall apart entirely. So instead he clung to Luciel: the version of himself that was tied up in the church and his religion. Because these were things he chose for himself; they allowed him to cling onto some semblance of hope that he was still a human being.

He started wearing the cross necklace, even though he wasn’t actually allowed to wear any sort of personal or religious insignia—and that tiny bit of rebellion helped keep him grounded. He wasn’t allowed to hold onto his brother or his past or even necessarily his beliefs, but he could have this.

He felt a lot of shame, though. Who was he to call himself Catholic, after all the things he'd done? Who was he to construct his identity around his religion when he wasn’t even sure what he believed?

He didn't pray during all those years. He was afraid to. In the back of his mind, there was a strong image of someone or something—a being who'd heard the prayers of a young, helpless child. He didn't want that being—whoever they were—to know who he'd become.

And perhaps it was that thought that made him start to believe.

Because when he was stuck in a hideout for days on end, hungry and thirsty and barely alive, he had the feeling that someone had their eyes on him. He had the sense that he wasn't all alone.

That feeling made it easier to talk about being Catholic. It was who he was, after all—as much a part of him as his body or his mind. But still, he didn’t quite know how to speak about it. He was flippant; he made jokes. It was easier than saying what he really meant.

And what did he mean?

He tried not to think about it.

But then something shifted; a thread snapped in the carefully woven exterior that protected him from ever feeling anything at all.

You appeared.

The way you spoke to him made him feel strange, like his insides were dissolving. And there was a flood of feelings just waiting to be felt: grief and terror and love and devotion.

He started praying again.

Hi, he thought (eyes shut tight, throwing his thoughts into the universe the way he used to). Sorry I've been...

He wasn't even sure why, but he told God about you. He thought himself in circles: apologies and pleas. He asked about Saeran, not expecting an answer.

But then Saeran came to him.

Of course it didn’t happen in the way he would’ve wanted—but it was only a few days later that he ran to you and found his brother instead. And he had no time, then, to wonder about God and morals and philosophies and beliefs. He thought only of saving you—of saving Saeran—of how he could possibly do both of those things at once. But he did keep praying, because he felt the same sense of safety he’d felt as a child when he shut his eyes and thought about love.

And that’s what it was, he realized later. Perhaps it was when you were driving together, the night air soothing his fevered mind—or it was when he was in the hospital, sitting in the corner and staring in wonder and horror at his brother’s face. Perhaps it was later, when Saeran was home, and hating him.

In spite of it all, he felt hopeful. It was because he loved his brother with such unwavering ferocity—because he loved you with such radiant brightness. He felt God in the space between people and the sound of your laugh and the light that was slowly returning to his brother’s eyes.

As a child, he had believed in nothing and wished for everything. As a teenager, he’d given up on hoping and wishing and praying.

And now he was an adult, and he found that he believed. The universe was vast and inconceivable, and his own little life should’ve meant nothing—but something deeper and greater tied him to the people he loved. Each life, he thought, was precious (after all).

[aliwritesfic]

The Night Shift part 7 (F!Reader x Frankie Morales)

Summary: Sunday lunch with the nightcrew bois, what secrets will come out?

Warnings: Emotional abuse

W/C: 1.9k

Spotify

Part 1 Part 8

The sun was too fucking bright. You groaned and rolled over, mouth dry and head pounding. Your phone told you it was almost eleven, which meant you only had an hour to get ready. That was okay, though. You weren’t exactly dressing to impress. It was only Manny and Frankie . . . Frankie.With a wince, you remembered your conversation with him last night. Had it been painfully obvious that you were talking about yourself? Surely not, if he was drunk too. But as you showered, you thought about what he said, and realised that he was right. At least, he was right about what you could remember him saying. Leaving Kurt wouldn’t mean you would be alone and unloved. You had Manny and Sara; you knew they loved you. But that didn’t change that if you left, you’d have nowhere to go. You had never been the type of person to ask for handouts, especially sympathy handouts. There was just too much to think about.

A text from your phone from Sara told you as much as you needed to know about her night went.

Manifestation WORKS 😉 sent 8:34AM

You spent a few extra minutes washing your face, enjoying the feel of cool water on your skin. Flecks of makeup that you had slept in swirled down the drain, grey and black and blue. Tiny bits of glitter glinted on your cheeks, reminding you of days past when you would drown yourself in glitter to go out clubbing. The memory made you smile, remembering how carefree and happy you were just a few years ago.

Grabbing your darkest pair of sunglasses, you were ready to go. You hadn’t bothered with styling your hair beyond running a quick brush through, and your face was devoid of makeup aside from any remnants left from last night.

It was a quick walk to the bistro, your stomach roiling the entire time. You knew it was food you needed; you had already thrown up several times last night after arriving home. The thought of filling your stomach spurred you on, your feet moving slightly faster. You whipped out your phone to text Manny.

Get. Bread. Please.

There were a few unread messages from Kurt. You knew that avoiding him was immature and would only come back to bite you on the ass when he came home, but the thought of opening them and actually reading them made you feel ill. And he would know when you opened them; he complained whenever you turned your read receipts off. So, you kept them on, to keep the peace, and just avoided opening his messages until you were ready to deal with them.

The bistro came into view, and you saw Manny already sitting at your usual table on the outside terrace. You sat down gingerly next to him and flashed him a weak smile.

“You look terrible,” he said gleefully, pushing a basket of bread and butter your way. You grabbed a small roll and broke it open, inhaling the warm scent.

“I feelterrible,” you told him. “Hangovers don’t suit me.”

Manny laughed ruffled your hair. You groaned loudly, swatting his hand away, which only made him laugh harder.

“Lover, I’ve never seen you in this kind of state before, let me tease you a little,” he said. You flipped him off and ate another roll.

“Is Frankie here yet?” You asked, trying to keep the hope out of your voice. Judging by the look on Manny’s face, you had failed miserably.

“Crushing on the cook, are we?” He waggled his brows.

“No! Of course not!” You said quickly. Liar a tiny voice whispered in your ear. “I was just wondering if he got the right place.”

“Well, wonder no longer, that’s him isn’t it?”

From your spot on the terrace, you could see the familiar figure walking down the shady street to the bistro. Your palms dampened with sweat at the sight of him.

“Francisco!” Manny called, waving him over. Frankie broke into a half jog, raising his arm in a wave. You sunk slightly in your seat, praying that he wouldn’t bring up your conversation with him last night.

“How’s your hangover treating you?” Frankie asked, taking a seat at the table.

“Fucking terribly,” you said, “this is not at all what I was promised last night when I did my fourth shot.” Manny snorted and turned to the waitress who had appeared at your table.

“Good afternoon, dearest Andrea,” Manny said.

“Manny, hun, you know I hate when you use my full name,” Andi, as she preferred to be called, said. You liked Andi, she a couple years younger than you and working her way through a master’s in engineering. “What are we all having today?”

“My usual, please,” Manny said.

“The greasiest thing on the menu for me, I don’t care what it is,” you said. Andy smiled at you in sympathy, knowing the tell-tale signs of a hangover. She then turned to Frankie.

“I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting before,” she said, her voice suddenly an octave higher.

“Francisco, or Frankie if you like,” he said. “Can I have the alfredo?”

“Of course, Frankie, anything else I can get for you?”

You and Manny glanced at each other, Manny with his eyebrow slightly raised. You knew Andi was a flirt, you’d seen her flirt with customers dozens of times, but something about this felt different. Personal. You chewed the inside of your lip, hoping your annoyance didn’t show too plainly on your face.

“So, what didyou do last night, lover?” Manny turned to you once Andi left.

“Drank too much,” you said. “Kurt’s out of town and Sara’s in town so I . . . I could go out. And I saw Frankie and his friends out.”

“Are your friends all as gorgeous as you?” Manny asked, turning to Frankie who blushed deeply.

“I wouldn’t say I’m gorgeous,” he mumbled, adjusting his cap slightly. “I’m just average.”

“Gorgeous and humble,” Manny said, “your partner is a lucky person.”

“I’m not- I uh don’t- I’m not with anyone,” it dawned on you that Frankie was terrible at taking compliments.

“Maybe it’s my personal bias, but out of all his friends, Frankie is truly the most attractive of them,” you said. You knew this could lead to something dangerous, but the chance to see Frankie flustered was just too good to miss.

“Yo-you do?” he asked, turning an even deeper shade of red. You nodded seriously.

“Whoever you date in future is going to be very lucky,” Manny said. Then, never one to linger on a topic for too long, Manny took a sip of his water and declared that it was feelings time.

“Feelings time?” Frankie sounded uncertain.

“Well, neither of us can afford therapy, so we use each other as therapists,” Manny explained. “We started it when I was working at Lou’s, and it’s been so long since I’ve had a good feelings time. Of course, you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to, and if you do want, keep it as light or as heavy as your heart tells you. Consent is key.”

Frankie nodded, obviously still unsure of the whole situation. It struck you then how strange you and Manny would seem to an outsider. Andi returned with food for the three of you, placing down the biggest burger you had laid eyes on in front of you.

“Enjoy,” she said with a wink to Frankie. “Come find me personally if you’re not satisfied.”

You could’ve thrown up at the blatant flirting. What made it worse was Frankie seemed to be enjoying it, smiling up at Andi.

“I’ll start,” Manny said, once Andi was gone again. “I’m feeling overwhelmed recently with my new job and the house renovations James and I are undertaking. We had a big fight over fucking tiles last night, and I know we wouldn’t have if I could just be decisive.”

“Does James know how you’re feeling?” You asked. Manny shrugged.

“I don’t know. I’d normally tell him about it in a heartbeat, but he’s been stressed too, and I don’t want to add to it.”

“He’s your husband, right?” Frankie asked and Manny nodded. You glanced at him in surprise. “Husbands should support each other. You usually feel supported by him, right? So why is now any different? His stress is your stress, yours is his. That’s what you signed up for when you got married.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell him what’s going on with you,” you said, realising how ironic that was coming from you.

Manny looked thoughtful as he cut into his vegetable stack. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Now your turn, lover.” You groaned. Feelings time was fine when you were listening to other people, and when the feelings you had weren’t so messy. But you could filter your feelings, and you trusted the two men you sat with.

“Okay,” you took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m feeling like I want to end my relationship. I feel like I’m fucking miserable, but I also feel like I’m trapped. Frankie, you remember that friend I told you about last night? It’s actually me.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious, but I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable by saying that.”

“Oh, my god,” you rubbed your face. “Right. So, like I said, I want to break up with Kurt, but it’s not easy to do.” You waited for one of them to interrupt you, when they didn’t, you went on. “For one, I don’t have enough money to move out. I don’t have much in savings at all because I keep needing to dig into it when he’s short on rent or money for bills or whatever. I don’t love him anymore, I don’t even know if I like him. Also, he said hedkillhimselfifieverleft.”

“Excuse me, he said what?” Manny leant forward, rage curdling his usually placid face. Frankie too, looked furious.

“He said he would kill himself if I ever left,” your voice was small. “I tried, one time, and-and he sent me a video of him tying a noose to a ceiling fan telling me it was my fault he was doing that. So, I went back, because I don’t want his death on my hands.” You realised with growing humiliation that you were crying.

Manny reached across the table and took your hand, holding it gently. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want to bother anyone,” you said, “it was my problem to deal with.”

“When does he come back?” Frankie asked quietly.

“Tomorrow,” you said. Manny and Frankie exchanged a look and Manny nodded.

“If you let us,” Manny said carefully, “we’re gonna help you get out. We won’t force you into anything, but we want to help.”

“Wait,” you sat back, confused, “wait. Have you too been conspiring behind my back? How? When?”

“No, not til this morning. I gave Frankie my number when I first met him, in case he had any questions. Then he messaged me this morning, and we got to talking about how we can help you.”

“If you want our help,” Frankie said. Part of you felt like you should’ve been angry, but you couldn’t be. Instead, you were overwhelmed with gratitude, with love. You grabbed a napkin and dabbed at your eyes under your sunglasses.

“I think I want help,” you said finally. You knew you couldn’t do this without help, even though it embarrassed you to admit that. Frankie nodded, satisfied.

“Alright, we need to make a plan.”

Taglist: @hnt-escape @sharkbait77 @1800-fight-me @annathewitch @darnitdraco @frankiecatfish @punkerthanpascal @nakhudanyx @gracie7209

[mbti-notes]

Hi MBTI. Not type related but I still want to ask because of your social insight. What does respect mean to you? I’ve met people who preach feminism but do not communicate honestly and clearly with girls they sleep around with (eg ghosting), which makes me think that feminism is just political theory, but in practice it means to truly respect other people regardless of their gender (ie being honest, clear and able to put ones anxieties/insecurities aside momentarily to ensure the well-being of

[con't: the other person). I asked myself exactly what respect entails, it’s a concept Ive taken for granted and thought I knew but realized I’ve never actually read/heard someone really putting into words. I’ve been reading online and a lot of people seem to muddle it with the word “admiration” and I think I disagree because I think respect is more about being open to sharing common ground and not placing someone above or below you, as admiration could cause. To me respect and  equality are more similar, and that’s how I linked it to feminism. How would you define respect? And what do you think about this? Thank you and all the best!<3 ]

You're mixing several issues together, which makes your question too complicated. Respect and making moral judgments are big enough topics without adding gender into the mix.

I remember once, a long time ago, I was grappling with a difficult moral dilemma. I approached a few people to talk about it. One person judged me as "incompetent" because the matter seemed quite easy in their mind. One person judged me as "weak" because I wasn't willing to just do what I wanted to do. One person judged me as "fake" because they thought I was only worried about appearing like a moral person in the eyes of others. One person judged me as "selfish" because I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself for the greater good. One person judged me as "overthinking" the matter because I was worried about more than just myself.

Of course, not being assholes, their judgments came out as veiled implications rather than direct criticisms. However, this example reveals some truth: People's moral judgments are often quite egocentric, a mere reflection of their own subjective ego conflicts about what it means to be a "good" or "bad" person. Whichever way they choose to conceptualize morality is what they expect of others (i.e. projection).

We all have to make moral judgments and navigate difficult moral situations. One thing that significantly influences people's ability to make good moral decisions is their level of ego development, you can read more about it in the Type Dev Guide. Suffice it to ask: Is your conception of morality more rule-based (i.e. about the power to judge) or more virtue-based (i.e. about the wisdom to do right)?

The more egocentric someone is, the more invested they are in maintaining a positive self-image, and the more sensitive they are to any data that would threaten their ego and suggest that they are a "bad" person. Egocentric people are more likely to use a rule-based approach to morality because its starkness and simplicity allow for easy detection and deflection of ego threats. If morality is a simple matter of knowing the rules of right and wrong, then moral judgments are a simple matter of whether people followed the rules.

For example, society says that you should work hard in school, get a good job, earn money, and your reward is that you are able to afford your life. Therefore, if you didn't succeed in school, you didn't get a good job, you can't earn much money, you can't afford the things you need, then there is something "wrong" with you. In short, you failed to follow the rules, so you deserve to be punished with the negative consequence of poverty. Rule-based morality is "safe" for the ego because there's no ambiguity that makes you doubt your moral judgment, and hence no reason to doubt your own moral worth.

People often talk about whether someone "deserves" respect, often because they want to make an argument that someone doesn't deserve respect for something bad they did. The more "admirable" someone is, the more respect they deserve? I will respect this person because they are "nice"? I will not extend respect to that person because they are "mean"?

If you approach respect with these "rules", you essentially get to play god. You get to sit on a high horse and judge people as worthy or unworthy. If you obey the rules of being an "admirable" person, you are called a "good" person, so you get rewarded with respect; whereas if you disobey the rules, you are a "bad" person, so you get punished with less respect or even disrespect. This way of thinking is rather childish. Notice how kids argue that they don't have to follow the rules when they see someone else breaking the rules. Their idea of morality boils down to whether they themselves win or lose.

Children, understandably, think in stark terms of reward and punishment because they are only starting to learn what it means to be an "acceptable" member of society. They only see what's on the surface because they aren't yet capable of more sophisticated moral reasoning. When an adult hasn't learned more sophisticated moral reasoning, they continue with the superficial idea of reward and punishment, only they take it further. Now that they are "adult" by society's superficial age standard, they possess the social status and thus the social power to dole out rewards and punishments to anyone "beneath" them in status. In essence, "I was subject to the rules as a child, and now I get to enforce the rules as an adult."

Adding gender into the mix, a lot of people abide by "rules" that they learned in childhood about what a "man" is, what a "woman" is, how they are different, and how people "should" behave according to their gender. Men, as a social group, are taught to obey one set of rules, while women, as a social group, are taught to obey another set of rules. This social conditioning shows up in people's implicit gender biases as well as outright gender discrimination.

If men, as a group, possess the majority of social power and privilege, they become the default reference point for everyone. Social and political decisions are predominantly made from their point of view, in accordance with their needs and desires, and this encourages them to treat women as objects that are only worthy of respect as long as they prop up masculine power. Women, as a group, are taught to see the world through the masculine perspective and believe that masculinity is superior to femininity, so they must behave submissively and serve their purpose to men.

As an individual man, if you follow the rules and elevate masculinity over femininity, you get rewarded with status and power. If you don't follow the rules, you get punished with lower status and being branded as undesirable (not a "real" man). As a woman, if you follow the rules and elevate masculinity over femininity, you get rewarded with some privilege and favors, but always safely within the bounds of masculine dominance. If you don't follow the rules, you get cruelly shamed into compliance and even ostracized if you are deemed a lost cause (not a "real" woman).

It is very difficult for individuals to counter social conditioning because so much of the learning happens unconsciously. It's a steep uphill battle for people to develop more self-awareness about the "rules" they have been taught to follow. And even when one becomes aware of having implicit biases or prejudices, it's not easy to rise above them. It takes a lot of conscious effort to go against lessons that were ingrained into your psyche since infancy. Furthermore, when you're a member of the social group that enjoys more power and privilege, there's very little incentive for you to change, in fact, you have much more incentive to preserve the status quo, which is why inequality is so difficult to remedy.

The unconscious nature of bias and prejudice is why ego development is very important. When you reach higher levels of ego development, your self-awareness grows, and that allows you to gradually shift from a simplistic rule-based morality to a more complex virtue-based morality which recognizes that moral issues aren't always black-and-white. Virtue-based morality is about what's actually in people's hearts and the role that moral conscience plays in decision making.

Taking the example from above: WHY did the person fail in school? Was it simply because they didn't follow the rules and work as hard as they should have? Or was it due to factors that were beyond their control, such as: an untreated learning disability, lack of school funding due to living in a poor area, a dysfunctional family situation that interfered with their learning process, etc?

Rule-based morality is about compliance and shaming people into the appearance of compliance. Virtue-based morality is about understanding and addressing the root causes of moral failing. To be capable of more complex moral reasoning is to dig deeper and ask more questions to get to the truth, which means that morality is no longer a simple matter. The gray areas start to appear, you start to see exceptions to the rule, and you become more empathetic because you're looking into people's hearts and seeing how they have suffered unfairly. You no longer stereotype and generalize about people but treat everyone as a unique individual with unique circumstances to take into account. Egocentric people don't want this level of moral responsibility because then they'd have to always question themselves about whether they are truly doing the right thing, and they would constantly have to confront the many ways they fall short in their morality.

When you truly see the harm of judging people by superficial appearances, you would never want to be a victim of it, and that helps you understand that you shouldn't be a perpetrator of it, either. When you truly see the harm of treating people unfairly based on gender, you would never want to be a victim of it, and that helps you understand that you shouldn't be a perpetrator of it, either. When you're able to empathize with people who were treated unfairly or victimized by unjust rules, you can't help but want to make things fairer for everyone (yes, equality). Virtue-based morality is about moral conscience in terms of what kind of person you hope to be, what kind of influence you want to have, what kind of society you want to live in, and whether you are actually a virtuous person in your heart rather than just appearing like one in public. When you show respect to people, it's not because they "deserve" it, it's because you know that you being respectful to everyone is the first step in helping to create a society that is more respectful to everyone.

[detectivesvu]

Another Round

—

Rafael Barba x Fem. Reader

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 2,454

“Moral of the story, take a chance in life. You never know what might happen.”

—

The bar was rather uninhabited compared to usual. Even for a Wednesday night the crowd was scarce and things were quiet. The smell of liquor and bodily fragrances wasn’t as thick in the air as it normally was. There were a few patrons seated at the various booths around the establishment. Most of them were office coworkers attempting to blow off some steam to ensure that they could push through to Friday where they could look forward to a couple of days off before having to prepare to do it all again the next week. 

There were only two customers actually sitting at the bar. One was an older woman that you had the pleasure of seeing every Wednesday evening for about an hour or two. She was a lovely lady who worked in accounting at a private establishment. She had actually found the bar you bartended at by accident. She had been caught in a torrential downpour and ducked into the nearest building to let the rain pass. That building just so happened to be your little bar that you offered as a temporary home to those who needed it. You convinced her to at least stick around for a drink, to which she ordered a dry martini. Ever since that day, she now came every week. She was convinced that you made the best dry martini (with extra olives) in the whole city. In a general sense, she was great company and an even better tipper.

“Wonderful as usual, [Y/N],” She called to you from the opposite side of the bar; “I’ll see you next time!”

She tapped the money she had left on the bar to make sure that you noted to take your tip. You flashed her your warmest and most genuine smile, waving at her once she made it to the door;

“Thanks, see you later!” You called back. 

Once she left, you were sure to clean off the bar where she sat, taking your tip, and setting her empty martini glass aside to be washed after hours. That left the only other person sitting at the bar. You had seen him about three times over the last few weeks and not once had he seemed interested in conversing with you. You had impeccable customer service as well as having a talent for reading people. You knew nothing about him, not even his name. However, you knew that whatever he did for a living was a killer on his mental health and overall being. Every time he had come in during your shift, he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He would sit in the same seat and very quietly order his usual drink of choice: a glass of scotch served straight. 

He usually would nurse his first drink for a little while before eventually loosening his tie and pulling some sort of work out of his bag. You were never nosy enough to try and figure out what it was, but it seemed to be important based off of the way he usually never took his eyes off of it. Most people would just look at him as being busy, but you looked deeper and identified that he was lonely. 

You knew that some people weren’t as talkative as others. There was a portion of bar-goers that would rather order their drink and not say a single word the entire time. As a bartender, you craved to talk to those people to give your best job performance. As a good hearted human being, you craved to talk to those people because you knew that they desperately needed to. You wanted to be a listening ear to anyone who needed it. No questions asked or judgements given.

You had a rag in one hand and a highball glass in the other as you gently stood in front of the man. He was extremely focused in on whatever he was working on, so you softly spoke to get his attention and not break his stride;

“Can I get you another scotch, sir?” You asked.

A little startled, his head snapped up and his eyes trained on you. He processed your question before sighing and rubbing his forehead stressfully. He leaned back into his chair and set his shiny pen down next to his papers. Poor guy. He was beat.

“Yes, please.” He replied simply.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” You apologized sincerely, but with a slight smile. 

You turned to the array of bottles behind you, selecting the same bottle of scotch you had served him before. He chuckled at your statement and exhaled deeply;

“No, no. Don’t be sorry. I got a little lost there for a minute.” He said briefly motioning towards his work. 

You refilled his glass, returned the bottle to its proper place, and leaned forward against the bar just a little ways off to the side as he began to sip his second drink of the night. 

“I can see that. You always seem to bring work to the place where work is supposed to be left behind.” You astutely noted.

He shrugged and cocked his head to the side shortly;

“You’re observant. I like that.” He responded rather coyly. 

Now it was your turn to shrug;

“It’s in the job description,” You joked; “This might make me a bad bartender, but I’ve seen you in here more than once and never caught your name.” 

He smiled tenderly. It was now that you realized just how charming he was when he wasn’t tied down to his paperwork. 

“Rafael Barba. You’re [Y/N], right?” He introduced himself.

You nodded, but your head was hard at work. That name sounded so familiar. Where had you heard that name? Surely you hadn’t ever met him outside of work. Then it hit you.

“Barba...oh, you’re the prosecutor on the Lindsey Darien case!” You announced.

His smile changed into a surprised expression;

“I am. Not many people remember my name,” He admitted; “Usually I’m just the lawyer that people happened to catch on the morning news.”

You laughed gingerly at that. You couldn’t even imagine being a criminal prosecutor. It all made sense now. The late night arrival at the bar, the tense posture, the constant attention being on his work. He might as well have the weight of the world on him. It was no wonder he always looks so uptight. You couldn’t comprehend the things he probably saw everyday. The stories he had to hear on the regular would keep you up at night for weeks. You were just fine slinging bottles and cleaning up crushed pretzels off of the floor. 

“That case is...an intense one, yeah?” You questioned, being careful not to pry.

He shot you a look that read ‘finally someone gets it’ and ‘you don’t even know the half of it’. You knew he couldn’t tell you any specifics and honestly you didn’t want to know. Again, you were behind a bar for a reason. You weren’t cut out for that kind of work. 

“To say the least. One of the hardest of my career.” He confessed, finishing off his drink.

You wondered if there was anyone outside of work that he was able to talk to about his job. You hoped he wasn’t confined to only speaking to people involved with the cases he dealt with. That was a lot of bottled up feelings to carry around all the time. 

“Well, in that case,” You proclaimed; “The next one’s on me.”

You refilled his glass once more, knowing this would be his last one for the night. He never drank more than three. He thanked you and proposed a new topic, wanting to continue speaking with you. He was beginning to find himself intrigued by you. He had met lots of bartenders in his life, but none of them seemed to have the same kind of energy that you did. He found it refreshing.

“What about you? I bet you’ve got some stories.” He remarked.

Oh, you definitely had stories. You learned very quickly that bartending was going to allow you to see the absolute best and worst of people. In a weird way, that’s what made your job so beautiful to you. It was a relief to know that it was okay to not be your best all the time.

“Sure I do. All bartenders do,” You agreed; “Are you asking for the craziest, funniest, or scariest thing I’ve ever encountered, counselor?”

He groaned with a modest guttural sound;

“Please. Call me Rafael. I don’t need my favorite bartender calling me by my job title too,” He said with a smirk; “But how about your favorite story?”

You felt your cheeks get hot at his nonchalant compliment. Many of your regulars were adamant about you being their preferred bar technician, but for some reason it felt different coming from Rafael. Something strange was brewing inside you and you could feel it in your chest...almost like a weird flutter. He was feeling it too, but he brushed it off as the alcohol settling in. 

“My favorite story...” You repeated; “Well, I do have one in particular.” You declared.

He was very tuned in now. He was not the same man you had just been in contact with when he first walked in. 

“I’ve been at this bar for a long time. Like, almost 15 years. I’ve had a lot of regulars come and go,” You began; “I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve forgotten a good many of them. But there’s this one guy that I’ll never forget.”

Rafael was watching you from over the rim of his glass, sipping slowly to savor his drink. He wasn’t sure where this was going yet.

“He came in every week when I was working and each time he looked more defeated than the last. After he had been coming for awhile, I finally asked him what was going on in his life,” You recalled; “It turned out that there was this woman that he had been friends with since elementary school. He was head over heels for her and always had been.”

You smiled brightly as you continued telling the story. It still gave you chills to this day;

“He was worried because he didn’t want her to reject him. He didn’t want to ruin their friendship. They were both getting close to their forties and he had convinced himself it was too late to get married and start a family. On top of that, he was scared that if they did get together then he’d always regret the times they could’ve had together but didn’t because he waited too long,” You told; “I told him that there was a reason she was still in his life. There was a reason that she never committed to anybody else. They had been tip-toeing around one another for decades. I knew they were meant to be together.”

Rafael was an extremely good listener. He wasn’t one to overly enjoy cheesy romantic stories, but this one was awfully captivating. For the first time in weeks, he wasn’t thinking about work.

“We talked for a long time, up until closing time. I convinced him to go for it. I told him that it wasn’t worth never taking his chance and then always wondering what could’ve been. The next time I saw him, he had a woman with him. Sure enough, it was her,” You recounted; “Turns out, they had been waiting on the other to make a move. They’ve been married for...13 years now.” You said doing the math in your head.

Rafael’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. Turns out you were quite the persuasive speaker.

“They’ve got two kids. One biological and one adopted. Even after they got together, he didn’t stop coming here every week. She would just always come with him.” You continued.

He leaned his face into his hand. He was positively amazed.

“Wow. Do they still come around?” He asked curiously.

You shook your head;

“Sadly, no. They moved out west a couple of years ago. Although, he still has family here so anytime he visits the city he’ll come by. So we somewhat keep in touch,” You answered; “Every time I see him, he thanks me for giving him a push. He never would’ve taken a chance if I hadn’t.” 

You took Rafael’s finished glass from the bar counter, setting it aside as well. He was speechless.

“Moral of the story, take a chance in life. You never know what might happen.” You advised.

“I’ll say. That’s incredible.” He exclaimed. 

You smiled, happy that he thought so.

“Does that satisfy your story telling request?” You asked.

“Very much so. I appreciate it.” He expressed his gratitude.

Just as you were about to offer him a different story, his cell phone rang. Oh, well. There was always next Wednesday. He fished his phone from his pants’ pocket, read the caller ID, and groaned. He began packing his things up and you took that as he had to leave;

“Duty calls?” You asked.

“Yep. I’m sorry to cut this short.” He apologized,

“No worries. You know where to find me. It was nice to finally talk with you.” You said sweetly. 

He smiled a bright, happy smile. It warmed your heart.

“You too. I’ll see you next week for sure.” He returned the sentiment.

He was in a rush to get back to his office, but you ducked under the bar to grab one of your business cards that had your number on it. With all this talk about taking chances, you found it appropriate to take one yourself. In the split seconds it took you to grab a card, he had already dashed out of the bar and down the street. You laughed in amusement, shoving the card in your pocket. You saw that he had also left a healthy tip, but with a small piece of paper on it as well. 

Looks like you weren’t the only one wanting to take chances tonight.

He had left his office phone number as well as his cell phone number. With a small note that read; 

Consider this as me taking a chance of my own. Call me sometime. 

You grinned, making sure you didn’t lose the piece of paper. You wondered how he was able to scribble out a note and make it out of the bar in the few short moments that you weren’t paying attention. But it didn’t really matter. You had a new favorite customer.

One that was going to have a bigger impact on your life than you would ever dream of.

[sebthesnipe]

Morality, Magic, and Chocolate Cows

Hi @logicalyfun!!

Storytime! I wasn’t apart of the @sanderssidesgiftxchange at all. So, the fact that you got me as a pinch hitter is kinda a miracle in its own right ;3 But I’m super glad you did! I’m so sorry you didn’t get your gift on time but now you get to chill with me! And I can be pretty awesome sometimes… Occasionally… Rarely but hey! Who keeps track of that kind of stuff anyways? 

So, how did I become your pinch hitter? Well, you see. I’ve got this amazing best friend and beta reader @gilby-the-geek-girl. She actually /did/ participate in the exchange and because she’s just so amazing she offered to be a pinch hitter for it as well. 

Anyways, You’re prompt got sent to her. This one right here:

“Your giftee: Fabi

Tumblr: Logicalyfun

Media to receive: Fan fiction, Fan art

Wish 1: Puppiesss

Wish 2:  Fantasy world

Wish 3:  Starry sky night

Topics to avoid: Remrom, no NSFW”

And it gave her pause. You see, I wrote this awesome fic called My Dearest Procyon (also on AO3) that checks almost all of these boxes (minus the puppiesss, but there is a REALLY awesome cat and dragons too!). So, she thought we’d be perfect for each other! So she sent your prompt to me and here we are!

Now for the bad news… I had every intention of checking off every one of your wishes, but the story got away from me and I’m pretty sure I struck out. However, I really think you’ll like it! Please forgive me for not sticking strictly with the prompts but I do mention each, and I highly recommend MDP if you really like those things.

I’ll also make you a deal! If you don’t like this ficlet, let me know and I’ll write you a new one that adheres to your prompts exactly! ;3

(Also... posting this on Patton’s B-day so it’s like double meant to be!)

So, without further adieu, I present Morality, Magic, and Chocolate Cows:

“Have at you!” Roman cried, his tiny form bounding off the small hill to swing at his brother, his cardboard sword bending at an odd angle.

“Actually,” Logan commented, hurrying along behind him, flowing blue cape flapping in the wind. “It would’ve been ‘ye’.”

Roman  ignored him, adjusting the oversized ‘shining armor’ every time he took a step. The costume was far too large for Roman’s three foot, seven-and-a-half-inch tall body, though it was adorable to watch.

Remus, to his credit, laughed menacingly, the Sharpie mustache on his upper lip thinning from the effort as he parried his brother’s flopping cardboard blade with a small stick. His own costume consisted of a sheet, stained green, with what Patton hoped was paint (though he had never bothered to ask), wrapped around him like a toga.

“That's totally fair! Two against one!” Janus called from the safety of a tree branch; the yellow fabric of his shirt just visible through the leaves.

“I’m not fighting! I’m observing!” Logan called in his high-pitched voice, adjusting his glasses before the pointed wizard’s hat on his brow dipped forward, knocking them astray once more. His adorably pudgy form was wrapped in a shimmer fabric that reminded Patton of the stars Logan always seemed to want to tell him about.

“If you and V would help, your prince wouldn’t need an watcher-outer!” Roman whined, pausing in his attack to peer over at the older child and his companion, sitting in the shade below.

Remus took the opportunity to smack his twin across his butt with his stick, knocking Roman to the ground with a grunt.

A shrill cry filled the air, causing the other children to glance at Patton, who had been sitting on a blanket a few feet away.

Patton pushed to his feet, smiling softly as he approached the three boys, Janus and Virgil hurrying up to the crying child as well.

“It’s broken isn’t it!” Virgil rushed, his own tears threatening to fall. “Remus broke Roman’s leg! We’re all going to the hosp’al! I don’t want to go to the hosp’al! I don’t like doc’ors!” His words turned into a wail as he plopped on the grown next to Roman, waterworks in full force.

Patton examined the small scratch peaking through a tear in Roman’s jeans.

“Hm,” he sighed as if considering whether or not the wound was fatal. “We may have to amputate.”

“What?!” Remus gasped excitedly.

Janus moved over to Logan, attempting to whisper in his ear and failing. “What does ‘amputate’ mean?”

“Ample ate,” Logan attempted to repeat. “It means to eat a lot.”

“We’re going to eat him!” Remus gasped with a grin.

Patton couldn’t help but give a small chuckle at the exchange before sinking down on the lush grass and scooping Roman into his arms.

The pretend prince curled into the embrace, hiding his face in Patton’s chest as his wailing turned to sniffle.

“I don’t wanna be eaten,” he grumbled sullenly.

Patton felt Virgil curling into his side, tears soaking into his shirt. Patton glanced down, offering another small smile as he pulled him close as well.

“No one is getting eaten,” Patton chuckled softly. “Are they Remus?”

“Pft, no fair!” the mustached boy pouted, folding his arms over his chest and glaring down at his mismatched shoes.

“Why don’t we all come up with ways to make Roman’s boo-boo feel better?” Patton offered, motioning for everyone to move closer.

“I rather not,” Janus sighed softly. Still, the young boy scooted closer and sank down on the grass next to them.

Remus gave another ‘hmph’ before doing the same, though he made sure to sit far closer to Janus than anyone else.

“I can help!” Logan chirped excitedly, digging into his pockets with purpose.

Patton couldn’t help but allow his soft smile to turn even more fond. Logan was always the best helper.

Whatever Logan had in mind, it certainly got Roman’s attention. The sandy blond boy turned his head just enough that his cheek rested against Patton’s chest, eyes glued to the wizard.

A moment later, Logan produced a plastic wand. The pink shaft was a little too large for his tiny hands and the star at its end seemed to flash with tiny lights (no doubt running off of a few double A’s).

“I can cast a spell on him!” Logan offered confidently.

“But yes’rday you said magi’ wasn’t real,” Virgil whispered, still clinging to Patton’s shirt.

“Turn him into a frog!” Remus demanded eagerly; his pouting forgotten.

“Yeah, but I read it in one of my books today, so it has to be real! Right, Patton?” Logan asked, looking up at him expectantly, the others following his lead.

“Oh of course!” Patton reassured with a large grin. “Magic is very real.”

“It is?” Janus asked, suddenly invested in the conversation.

Virgil reacted in a very different manner, burying his face deeper into Patton’s side and giving a small cry. “Magi’ is scary! I dun wanna be turned into a frowg!”

“Oh sweetie,” Patton cooed, messing with the youngest child’s hair. “It’s not that type of magic,” he reassured.

“What other type of magic is there?!” Remus demanded, inching closer as he bounced with elation. “The type that can turn him into a giant squid?! Or make toilets talk?!”

“Ew!” Roman whined in response, once again earning a chuckle from Patton.

“I’m afraid not,” Patton admitted with no little amusement. “No, this kind of magic isn’t just reserved for very smart wizards.”

“It’s not?” Logan asked, moving closer and sinking down as well.

“Oh no. We all have magic of our very own that we can use whenever we want.”

“Nuh uh…” Janus breathed though he didn’t sound too convinced.

Patton nodded continuing. “Sure, we do.”

“What’s my power?!” Remus asked impatiently, “Can I make lasers come out my eyes?! Or maybe… maybe… um… summon a giant octopuspus to devour my enemies?!” He bounced to his feet roaring loudly as he stomped about.

“Your magic is something far greater,” Patton laughed.

“No way!” Remus breathed in awe; antics forgotten.

“Him?!” Roman gasped in disbelief.

Patton nodded. “Remus has the ability to see into other worlds!”

“Lame!” The boy in question huffed, falling back onto the grass.

“What do you mean?” Logan asked curiously.

“Well, Remus makes such a great villain because he sees things differently then we do,” Patton explained.

“So, he’s evil! I knew it!” Roman declared, shifting in Patton’s arms to simply sit in his lap, wound forgotten.

“Not at all,” Patton countered, acting as if he didn’t see the way Remus blew a raspberry at his brother. “Just because someone is different doesn’t make them evil.Though it can be scary, differences are what gives us our power. Take Logan for example.”

“Me?” Logan blinked in surprise, clinging to his wand a bit more self-consciously.

“Mm hmm,” Patton nodded. “Logan understands Remus better than anyone. He can understand how Remus sees the world.”

“So, he’s evil too?” Janus asked.

“I am not!” Logan cried.

“No one here is evil,” Patton laughed. “No, Logan’s magic power is that he can understand anything if given enough time.”

“So, you can figure out where chocolate milk comes from?!” Roman asked, pointedly staring at Logan who now sat a bit straighter.

“Well, if regular milk comes from a regular cow… and Patton says cows are just like oversized dogs… and there are a lot of different kinds of dogs… Then chocolate milk has to come from chocolate cows.” Logan explained in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Whoa! There are chocolate cows?! That’s so cool!” Roman gasped.

Patton was about to speak when his attention was pulled to the small hands tugging on his shirt in a patient persistence.

“Yes, Virgil?” Patton asked softly.

“Wha’s my magi’?” The youngest boy asked in a hushed whisper as the rest talked among themselves.

“You, my dear sweet shadowling,” Patton whispered, booping his nose. “have one of the strongest powers among us.”

“I do?” Virgil’s eyes grew wide, his hand lifting to his mouth to suck on his two fingers. It would be a few more years before Patton could manage to break him of the habit but it was cute nonetheless.

“Oh, yes. You have the power to protect. You tell us when something could hurt us or do damage in a way we haven’t noticed. In a way… You can see the future.” Patton’s allowed his voice to turn a bit wispy as if humbled by Virgil’s power.

“Sounds like a bunch of lies to me,” Janus interrupted, obviously eavesdropping.

“No one asked you!” Roman spat. “You didn’t even help protect your prince and now I’ve got a boo-boo! It’s not like you have any magic! ” He pointed at his knee, lifting it to put the scratch on display.

“Well, neither do you!” Janus argued.

“Oh, I think you both are pretty powerful when it comes to magic,” Patton offered.

“Well of course I am… I’m a prince!” Roman announced.

“Janus does too, Roman.” Patton mitigated.

“Like what?” Remus butted in, more curious that malicious.

“Well, Janus can work magic on people’s feelings,”

“I can?” Janus blinked in surprise.

“Well, of course Kiddo. You’re the best at it! You always know just what to say to make Remus feel better after he loses against the Prince’s armies,” Patton explained, “And you always know how to answer Roman’s questions about his costumes.” Naturally, Patton left out the fact that Janus used little white lies to work his magic and that he didn’t quite agree with the method, but the results were noteworthy.

“Boring!” Roman whined. “What about me?” Roman looked up at Patton expectantly.

“You, dear prince,” Patton replied, nuzzling him affectionately. “have the ability to change the world as we know it. You can push us to follow every passion our heart desires. You give us the very drive that will sustain us throughout our lives. ”

“What? That’s not fair! Why didn’t I get a cool power like that?” Remus huffed, sulking once more.

“’Cause I’m the Prince and I say so!” Roman answered, squirming in Patton’s arms. “Now, be quiet, Patton is talking about me!”

“Mneh!” Remus stuck out his tongue once more, but his brother ignored him.

“Now, now. I think all of your powers are cool,” Patton attempted.

“But Patton…” Logan mumbled, softly, as he stared up at the seemingly grown man. “What’s your power?”

Patton’s chest tightened at the question. Leave it to Logan to pull at the one string Patton wasn’t prepared for. What was Patton’s power? He manifested just as they all did, only he was the first. He grew faster than the rest of them, unable to keep up with Thomas growth, unable to keep up with his insecurity.

He was just Patton…. He had no magic… He wasn’t special. Not like the others.

He forced his smile to remain in place, trying not to let his voice crack as he answered. “Why would I ever need to be more than just happy pappy Patton when I get to spend time with all of you amazing magicians?”

“Patton?” Logan called, his voice distant and far too baritone to be coming from the pudgy boy before him. “Patton are you in here?” Logan called again causing the man to glance over his shoulder.

The memory he had immersed himself in froze, the boys still staring up at him.

He wiped a tear from his eye quickly and waved his hand, the children disappearing, leaving him alone in the small field behind their childhood home.

“I’m over here!” Patton called, standing and dusting off his pants, trying not to feel the loss. They had needed him so thoroughly. Everything was so different now. The boys were all grown. They all faced Thomas’ problems with a maturity Patton never could seem to muster. No doubt they thought him the child now.

 Logan strode up the small hill in his usual dark polo and striped tie adorning his broad shoulders.

“There you are,” Logan greeted with the same half smile he always did.

“Sorry, did you need something?” Patton asked softly, forcing his smile to turn warm.

“Yes, actually,” Logan admitted. “It seems Remus and Roman are fighting again, and Virgil and Janus are placing bets on who can make the most constructs in the imagination. It is truly a disaster. There are puppies and octopoda everywhere. No one will see reason. I could really use your help.”

Patton softened a bit at the words. Maybe they still needed him… just a tiny bit. He supposed he could live with that.

“Puppies?!” Patton squealed in excitement.

Logan’s gaze moved about the scene taking it in, obviously having expected Morality’s reaction. “Isn’t this…” he hesitated, turning on his heel. “Wasn’t this the field behind our home back in Orlando?”

“Oh…” Patton breathed, flushing slightly. “Is it?”

“It is! Thomas used to play out here all the time! We all did!” Logan mused, with a small huff of laughter. “Wow, it has been quite some time.”

Patton offered a melancholy smile as he glanced around. He missed it all. It was nice to have the memories though. At least he could relive it when ever he wanted. Though he doubted Logan would even bother to try to remember-

“You know 7% of Americans really do believe chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows,” Logan informed him, “And Roman is still one of them.” He laughed.

Patton’s heart fluttered at the fact that Logan remembered such a minute detail. He really was magic.

The sound of Logan’s deep chuckle had Patton joining him. “Best not spoil it for him,” Patton teased lightly as Logan offered out an arm for him to take as they headed out of the memory.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Logan reassured.

 La Fin.

[downwiththeficness]

In the Bond-Chapter 2

Summary: Lilah often wished she’d never said yes to working with the Gecko brothers—usually while dodging gunfire. At no time was she regretting that decision more than when she’s hanging upside down from the ceiling, staring down a group of hungry culebras and one (1) extremely powerful sun god.

Word Count: ~2,300

Warnings: None

A/N: This is an AU of my Story In the Blood, which can be read here. Basically, this fic explores what would have happened if Lilah had met up with Geckos before she met Brasa.

Taglist: @symbiont13

Start from the beginning   Next Chapter   Read on AO3   Masterlist

Lilah slid into a chair and regarded the lovers. Kate was sitting in Richie’s lap, rolling her eyes as he pressed intermittent kisses on her cheeks and neck. She’d grown used to their easy affection since the brothers had saved Kate from Amaru. For the first few days, Richie had hardly let go of Kate’s hand, would go where she went, snarling at anyone who came a little too close. Even now, he didn’t go very long without touching her, no matter the situation—a hand on her thigh, a the small of her back, toying with her hair. Kate seemed to take it all in stride, a soft smile that somehow made her look impossibly young.

It was Kate’s eyes that Lilah noticed first when she’d stepped through the doors of Jackknife Jed’s.  They flashed with gloom, aging her in a way that in no way reflected in her actual face. Looking at her made Lilah feel so disjointed that she still struggled to hold the younger woman’s gaze. Still, despite the unease, Lilah liked Kate. She certainly made dealing with the ever-arguing brothers just a little bit easier. Lilah couldn’t so easily be out-voted any more, and that was worth the disquiet she sometimes felt in Kate’s presence.

The door to the office flung open, Seth barreling through with no regard for how it hit the shelf behind it, a few of Richie’s knickknacks shaking in their stands. He was wiping sweat from his brow, his ever present frown just a little deeper than normal. Lilah’s eyes narrowed as she watched him come closer.

“Hey, watch the merchandise,” Richie called out, one hand lifting from around Kate’s middle to gesture broadly at the memorabilia.

Fandom was the one thing that Lilah and Richie really agreed on. They’d spent a lot of time on stake outs talking Star Trek, and then Firefly, followed by a whole host of niche geeky topics. He was surprisingly insightful about the little details that made each show unique. And, Lilah had spent a lot of time in hotels watching old B horror movies to be able to hold her own when he went down a rabbit hole.  It made the fact that she disagreed with him about the tenants of Jedi life acceptable, in his mind.

“We’ve got bigger problems than Obi Wan’s lightsaber, Richie.”

Seth was definitely in a mood. He might not understand Richie’s interests, and he might roll his eyes when his brother went on a tangent about canon timelines, but he at least respected Richie’s belongings enough that he didn’t intentionally screw around with them. This, whatever it was, was serious. Lilah eyed him narrowly, waiting.

Eyes vaguely betrayed, Richie muttered, “Its Mace Windu.”

Kate patted Richie’s arm lightly, saying, “What’s the problem?”

Rounding his desk, Seth sat heavily. After a deep sigh, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper, tossing it on the desk in front of him. It bounced, making a soft ‘shhh’ sound as it slid across the pressed wood of the tabletop.

“We got a message today,” he explained, “And I don’t know what to make of it.”

Lilah leaned forward and plucked it up with two fingers. The paper was a heavy vellum, thick woven. She unfolded it, curious. The ink was a deep red, the lettering thick. As she brought it closer to read, Lilah caught a fragrance that had followed her in the weeks since their last failed mission.

Oh, no.

The letter was meticulously worded. The writing thick and bold, swirling softly around the crosses. Formal. Elegant. Commanding. Brasa.

Lilah read and re-read it, “He’s asking for peace.”

She looked at Seth, brows lifted in surprise. Then, she stood, stepped to Richie’s desk, and handed it to the younger brother. All the while, she tried to keep her face as neutral as possible. Lilah was grateful that Seth never bothered with the overhead lights, that only the lamps on either desk illuminated the room.  Her face was hot, her hands shaking. She didn’t know how to stand so as to draw no attention to herself while she internally panicked.

“He’s playing a game,” Seth said as he opened a drawer in his desk, pulling out a bottle, yanking out the stopper, and drinking straight from it. “Its a trap.”

Richie took a few moments to read the letter before Kate took it from him. She stood and read it, as well. Lilah watched her face, trying to discern her reaction. Kate chewed her thumbnail as her eyes flicked over the page, her brows together. A shadow passed over her expression.

“No,” Kate uttered so low that Lilah almost didn’t hear it, “He’s really asking for peace.”

Lilah didn’t have the time to think about how she might know that, or the implications. Or, how she might feel about those implications.

Seth scoffed, “How the fuck do you know that?”

Setting the letter down on Richie’s desk, Kate shrugged, “I spent a lot of time with him when I was...when she was inside me.” She sniffed, “Even though Amaru thought they were bullshit, he obeys the old laws. This is a formal call for peace talks. He’s written it in his own blood.”

Lilah felt her eyes widen, shocked that Kate could tell whose blood was on the paper. Shocked even further that someone would write a letter in their literal blood. Shocked still further that she cared how he might have procured his own blood in enough supply to write such a letter.

There were a few side effects from Kate’s possession, little quirks that Kate would sometimes display without really thinking. She’d stand up way too fast, know who might walk through the door next, hear conversations from the next room. Lilah did her best to just roll with it, but this was a little bit too freaky for Lilah’s normal ‘roll with it’ sensibilities. She deliberately set it aside, hoping that she wouldn’t need to examine the thought later.

Richie lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke through his nose, “Why now? We’ve spent the last six months fighting and killing each other, and now he wants to talk peace.”

Lilah sat down, folding her hands in her lap as she tried very hard not to think this was about her. She could not be so self-centered as to think that Brasa would give up a war just because she happened to be on the other side. A war he was, by all accounts, winning as the Gecko’s ceded more and more territory to the culebras he seemed to govern.  There had to be another explanation. A trap, maybe, a false sense of security.

“Alright,” Seth drawled, “We get him in a room and gank him.”

Kate gasped, looking horrified, “We have a chance to get real progress, here. Do you want to fight forever?”

Lilah definitely knew the answer to that question. Seth’s entire life was a fight—physical or otherwise. He wasn’t comfortable if there wasn’t some sort of conflict to battle through, his brother at his side. Even if they achieved peace, he’d be at someone’s throat within twenty four hours. It was both endearing and utterly frustrating to watch him cycle through the same motions over and over.

Seth rose, leaning his hands on the desk, “You, more than anyone, have a reason to want every one of those snakes dead.”

Sneering, Kate crossed her arms, “I, more than anyone, have a reason to want all of this to stop. I don’t want to see any more death.”

Behind her, Richie shifted uneasily in his chair. Lilah took each of them in, knowing there was far more history than she was privy to playing out right in front of her. It left her feeling like she couldn’t make a good decision, didn’t have enough data to create a strategy. This was not her preferred method of moving through life. She remained still, waiting.

“We should meet with him,” Kate asserted, hip cocking to the side.

It was not a rare occasion that Kate would insist that they act in a certain way. She had a strong moral compass that clashed with the brothers’ more criminal predilections. More often than not, Kate centered them, kept them from going too far. Lilah was grateful. She had never been successful in stemming off their momentum, once they got started.

“Absolutely not,” Seth shot back, his mouth a firm line.

Lilah surprised herself by adding, “I agree with Seth.”

Richie stubbed out his cigarette, “I’m with Kate.”

This was not surprising. Richie tended to side with Kate on most things. Lilah caught the look he sent Kate, though Kate was still looking at Seth. His eyes were following the line of her petite body, admiring in a way that made Lilah look away, embarrassed.

Seth circled his desk, leaning his hip against it, “Two against two. How’re we going to break the tie?”

There was a beat of silence, then Richie stood and offered up his fist, “Best out of three?”

When Richie beat Seth two to one, Seth gave him a hardy ‘fuck you’ and strode from the room. Richie heaved a beleaguered sigh and followed him. Lilah dropped her head in her hands, boggled by the decision making skills of her partners. Rock, paper scissors...honestly.

“Why don’t you want to meet with them?”

Lilah lifted her eyes at the question, feeling her chest constrict, “I won’t have to do the actual meeting, Kate.” Lie, lie, lie, Lilah, “I just don’t think we’ll be successful.”

Kate tilted her head to the side, “You think its a trap?”

Lilah grabbed onto that line of thinking. It was logical, far more logical than ‘No, Kate. I just don’t want to meet up with someone who claims I am his bondmate and with whom I have exchanged blood’. Even in her head, it sounded so incredibly stupid. Not to mention the fact that she’d been hiding it long enough that admitting it would only lead to suspicion.

“I think Seth is too hot headed,” Lilah clarified quickly, “I think that it’ll fall apart before it even gets started.”

There, that was a convincing lie that was pretty grounded in enough truth that even Lilah half believed it. She very carefully did not study Kate’s face to see if the lie had landed.

Kate moved closer, her ancient gaze peering at Lilah carefully, “You’re right.”

Oh. Okay.

“Thank you.”

“You need to go with them.”

Ah, fuck.

“What?”

Kate nodded, her expression hardening, “You go with them, keep things level, make this work.”

“Me?” Lilah didn’t like how high her voice came out. She cleared her throat, “No, you know them better than I do. You go. Bring me whatever contract they draw up, I’ll red line it, make sure its fair.”

That was her role. Look over the game plan, find the flaws, work out the kinks. In that, Lilah was comfortable and safe. No need to put herself back in a room with Brasa. No need to let this get even more out of hand. No need for the messiness that would come from that.

Shaking her head, Kate took a step back, “I can’t. I can’t face him. What I did to him was,” she searched for words, “terrible.”

The sudden turn of Kate’s tone, the way her face screwed up in real disgust, made Lilah sit up and stake notice. Where had this come from?

She inhaled, trying to parse the words, “What does that mean?”

Kate’s eyes were focused on the middle distance, her mouth quivering, “Amaru loved torture, all kinds of torture. She didn’t care who it was that she hurt. I—she liked,” Another breath, “Brasa was blood bound to her, she could make him do things, do anything. She never got her hands dirty, but him…”

Lilah waited for more, but Kate simply stopped speaking. She looked shell shocked, tears welling up. God, but Lilah had been completely fooled by Kate’s frequent smiles and clear headedness. She hadn’t known how much trauma the hell queen had put Kate through, hadn’t even thought that Kate was conscious of the things that she’d done while trapped inside her own body. Moved to action, she stood and embraced Kate, saying to her the only comfort she could think to give.

“Its the past. And, it wasn’t you.” Then, “Are you still blood bound?”

She felt like real shit for asking, but she needed to know what Brasa’s relationship was with Kate, and if it would make their own relationship (did they even have a relationship?) more complicated. Kate made a soft sound in the negative and Lilah let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. That was one complication she had, thankfully, avoided.

Kate’s body was taut, “When she first brought me back, when I met him, I felt the power I had over him. And, she abused it. I drained him dry that first night, to regain her strength. After three days, when he managed to stand up off the ground, she did it again. Because she could.” Kate pulled back and looked at Lilah, “That wasn’t even the worst of it. How can I look him in the eye after all that?”

Lilah shook her head, “Like I said, it wasn’t you. And, if he really wants to talk peace, he’ll set it aside. If not, fuck ‘im.”

That, at least, was the truth. Lilah had been fighting his kind of less than a year and she was tired of it. She wanted peace. She wanted to go on nice, normal jobs—jewel theft, a bank heist, possibly even some fine art that they could sell on the black market. Stuff that was in her wheelhouse, in her comfort zone. If he was going to hold Kate responsible for the actions of Amaru, then he wasn’t worth negotiating with. Full stop.

Kate loosed a soundless laugh, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

[peaches-and-honey-and-the-moon]

Some thoughts on reality shifting. It's a decently long post that may not quite make sense sometimes. But just a few things I wanted to talk about. If anyone wants to talk about it with me, i would love that!

I love the theoretical of reality shifting because it's a neat idea. To be able to move your conscious from your current timeline/ reality to a new one. Similar to astral projecting in a way, but seemingly more permanent if you're able to perfect the ability to do so. You could theoretically move to a reality where harry potter like magic is the norm and you could be a protégé student in your magic school where fair folk walk among humanity. You could become a powerful vampire in a secret society. Or even move to a reality where you're living the life you've always wanted like falling in love and being successful in the job you love, no trauma from your current reality. Life still has it's hardships, but you're able to overcome them with grace because you gave yourself those abilities in your scripting for your new reality.

And maybe the ability to shift realities is totally real, and the few times I attempted it were failures simply because I currently lack the control and power to shift successfully. Maybe that's totally a possibility. I could only know with more practice.

However, the foundations of reality shifting seem weak to me and raises some "ethical" concerns. Maybe moral concerns is more accurate to say. Such as, you currently would already, theoretically, be existing in the world you wish to shift to. A flesh and bones, living version of you. But that person still has a consciousness and a life up to the moment you switch to that reality. What happens to that consciousness when yours from your current reality enters that one and enters that body? do you trade bodies and realities? If so, I would assume in most occasions this would be nonconsensual because you're forcing them to exit their known reality and world into your "old" one where they would have no clue what is happening or where they are. Maybe, in that case, there should be communication if possible for you two to knowingly switch, making it a mutual shift. Maybe, your two consciousnesses merge to create a new one. However that seems like it would be nonconsensual as well, because you would be forcing yourself into that body and forcing that existing "soul" so to say, to merge with yours. Maybe then you could shift yourself into a newborn baby, scripting that you remember who you were before at certain ages so that when you hit the age you shifted from your original reality you fully remember everything and are fully aware of your actions. That still would have similar issues with what I stated above, but arguably less so because you would be starting as a newborn with no grasp of anything. (I would like to think this way would be the best so that you grow organically in the new reality, thus as you grow, you grow establish in this new reality. Therefor, growing up with the rules of the world.)

Another issue I have is with the scripting of your shift (this one is more nitpicky and probably just something I have thought about. I am aware this may be an unpopular opinion/ moral fear about scripting and shifting). You could script trauma and awful events. Scripting in self harm and other negative things. The issue I have with this is because in doing so, it feels as if it is being glorified. I say this because, with everything you could write in, you still would choose to write in those events (such as sexual assaults', abuse, etc..). It feels similar to when writers add those to their books for no reason other then "tragic backstory". And knowing the internet and how it can be, I know there are people out there who have not experienced things such as sexual assaults' (which I would like to say, I am so, so happy about that. I'm glad for every person who has never had to experience that and similar negative, to put lightly, events). But some of those people would write that into their script for that "tragic backstory". Or putting in mental illnesses they do not have because they "want it". We see that often on the internet with people faking illnesses and disorders or deliberately doing something to cause themselves to have that illness/disorder (which, that last park usually indicates underlying conditions that should be checked out.). And knowing the larger part of the shifting "community" demographic is teenagers. Now, in saying all this, I am not saying to not script things you already have (although, personally i would not.) if you feel the want or need to. I'm not quite sure how to word that, but this point basically boils down to " you don't need a 'tragic backstory'" and that I am immediately critical of anyone who would want to put those sorts of things into their "desired reality".

Another point I would like to talk about is that the other people in the Real people in their own reality, just living their lives. I have seen people who have "shifted" brag to a point about being awful to people in the reality they shifted to. Examples include shifting to Hogwarts and being verbally and even physically abusive to characters they simply don't like. Not even "bad" characters. Just characters they don't enjoy in the franchise.

On that topic, there's also the validity of shifting into franchises such as harry potter. That is a set universe. The books are written. In theory, you would shift into a similar reality that you could actually have impact in. But then, it wouldn't actually be that franchise, it would be an existing reality nearly identical to the franchise. Which has it own morality crisis's. However, that would be incredibly interesting to study that as a whole. To see what's the same and what's different. But again, everyone there would still technically be real people with thoughts, feelings, and lives. So to treat them as merely a lab study would be unethical and frankly disgusting.

Something else, is for people with maladaptive disorders or mental health disorders in general, this can be dangerous. Because, it leads to deeper sort of "drops" into the disorders. Because it could cause harm by thinking that if you convince yourself hard enough and repeat the same mantras and go to sleep listening to the right audios, you could end up in the "perfect life". This way of thinking can cause episodes. I've heard people on tiktok talk about how it has caused episodes. So please, anyone reading this. Be fuckin careful!

A few last things for now because I'm starting to lose my train of thought. But if reality shifting were truly real, that would be really cool and also terrifying. Because if you shift, you can actually be killed or hurt. Everything you went through would be real. If you were only there for a short time, or kept going back and forth, you could severely impact those around you. Who's in charge of the bodies your consciousness isn't in? I've seen things where it's an exact replica of you that just continues on with your "normal" life. As well as, I am of the ideology that every decision we make alternations to our current reality, like the butterfly effect. So how do we explain the ripples that totally shifting your reality would make? How would reality shifting steer the course of the current world, all of the current realities and worlds? What constitutes the right amount of personal power and resolve to actually go through with a full reality shift?

I will probably come back to this later, because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings and like the discussion of these things.

[astrology-with-charu]

𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐮𝐬 𝐌𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐍𝐨𝐝𝐞 : 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝓞𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓲𝓮𝔀

North Node in Gemini today meeting Venus comes up with gems creating opportunities and potential for success in Venus pursuits - music, creativity, arts, pleasure, love, finances. This is a very progressive aspect promoting choices which are more untraditional and progressive in love, fashion, creativity, finances and diplomacy. This is a great aspect for business diplomacy and partnerships of all shapes and form as well as for self expression. Pluto and Sun make a trine giving us willpower to forge forward despite the blues and hesitations or blockages that the Mars Saturn quincunx are bringing to us. But there is more to all this so as usual we would go deeper in Sun Pluto style today.

Read it on Medium

Watch it on YT

𝓓𝓮𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓵𝓼

Venus the planet that rules our choices, finances, creativity, love and heart is in Gemini till 2nd June. Venus in Gemini loves her variety, her choices, her ability to change her heart. She is social and attracts with words, gets seduced by the brain versus brawn. She is witty and has innate love of knowledge, words and communication. Gifts of words she is called. She has no problem in chit chat or making conversation on any topic. Her love, beauty and benefits are manifested on the mental plane. Passions are intellectually understood and easily expressed like by William Shakespeare. A lot depends on how this transit is personally assimilated in ones chart but atleast by transit we get a piece of Shakespeare in our every day life without his Neptunian surrealism.

Through our mind and words, we all have the opportunity right now to bring more love and beauty to the world. Venus is with watcher of the east - Aldebaran star which rules hands and fingers & brings about creative works of prominence. This is the other side of Antares, the Sagittarius religious war. Activation of Antares and Aldebaran that we are observing this month do presage war and as I mentioned in my May forecast - it comes with a moral choice where we need to rise above. It will further get energised with the 31 May contact. With Venus meeting the opposite side of war, we have opportunity to meet war with love and with diplomacy. In the same vein we all have opportunity to mend relationships & conflicts through words too. Words are of huge impact as is the mindset right now.

Venus contact with the karmic point North node right now also brings to prominence a karmic bond - a significant relationship or connection that is new or old one becomes deeper. These bonds can be with an entity or a person. Sometimes the life path we are on is greatly influenced & shifted by our personal life and heart choices during this time. This transit can also have impact on our financial situation - we either might be making an investment into our forward path or getting ideas on how to monetise our forward life path. This is forward movement.

North Node boosts Venus - our sense of worth and it wants us to choose differently - more progressively and it may not come easily right now but thats what is required. Choices in love, in finances, in creativity are greatly shifted as you expect more from yourself, others in your life, your career and in general raise your mindset and standards in your own mind. This is elevation of our heart choices and ambition should be allowed to soar - from this position we should be drafting the forward vision of our life.

𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐮𝐬 : 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏

Venus is now an evening star all of this year - Venus Hesperus our heart and choices is rising behind Sun our ego and identity, hanging out in the evening sky- it dawns the feminine and seeming more “matured” garb. We can see in our own natal chart how is Venus placed versus Sun, if its ahead of Sun in zodiacal degrees you know you have this evening star Venus. Feeling after the action - it brings forth emotions that is a judgment of an action that has already been performed. Unlike morning star Lucifer Venus who acts as he feels he must act. Normally Venus reaches this evening star “maturity” after a crisis - physical or psychological reaching this more mellow, matured and wisdom phase. United Kingdom has evening star Venus - you can see that in the creative expression and contrast it with United States whose Venus is Lucifer - morning star. Evening star Venus comes with a baggage of traditions. It in no way means an evening star Venus cannot emotionally over react . It just means that evening star Venus emotions are an after effect of an action, a forced reaction while morning star Venus emotions cause the actions.

ℍ𝕖𝕟𝕣𝕪 ℂ𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕝𝕝, 𝕊𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕠𝕔𝕜 ℍ𝕠𝕝𝕞𝕖𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕊𝕦𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕞𝕒𝕟 𝕥𝕠 𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕒𝕤𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕡𝕣𝕚𝕧𝕒𝕔𝕪 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕞𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣 𝕍𝕖𝕟𝕦𝕤 𝕨𝕒𝕪 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙 𝕙𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕍𝕖𝕟𝕦𝕤 𝕚𝕟 𝔾𝕖𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕚 (𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕧𝕠𝕔𝕒𝕝 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕒𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟) 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕙𝕒𝕤 𝕍𝕖𝕟𝕦𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕛𝕦𝕟𝕔𝕥 ℕ𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕙 𝕟𝕠𝕕𝕖 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖 :

“𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕚𝕥 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕓𝕖 𝕗𝕦𝕟 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕡𝕖𝕔𝕦𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖, 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕠𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕡, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕠 𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕖𝕔𝕙𝕠 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕞𝕓𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕠𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕟𝕖𝕥, 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 ‘𝕡𝕒𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟’ 𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕔𝕖𝕕, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕥 𝕔𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤 𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕞 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕡𝕖𝕠𝕡𝕝𝕖 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕞𝕠𝕤𝕥.”

“𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕞𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕟𝕖𝕘𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕒𝕤𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕡𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕓𝕠𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕗𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕒𝕣𝕖𝕟'𝕥 𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕖.”

“𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝕤𝕠𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕝 𝕖𝕟𝕝𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕞𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕕 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕥𝕪”.

“𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪 𝕚𝕟 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕟 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖. 𝕀'𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕖𝕟𝕠𝕣𝕞𝕠𝕦𝕤𝕝𝕪 𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕗𝕦𝕝 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕖. 𝕀𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕞𝕖, 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕒𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕠𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗.”

So emotional reactions which are forced out of evening star Venus are possible too but they are more subdued and more “English” in expression.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

The judgement after action is indeed the case with Venus and other personal planets charting the course Mars our actions have already charted end March. A delayed emotional reaction and acceptance of what has already happened. Normally an evening star Venus is more traditional so you would find it critically judging its own “frivolous pursuits” against the evening star Venus traditional and cultural or spiritual values.

Know that this choice is a tough one. But the only way ahead is forward.

There is an introspective color to the time right now as the forward movement is based on a choice we have made in the past - around end of March. We made a choice or we took a karmic step or a karmic event happened to us which moved us away from the past. Now we are moving to the exploration of the “newly opened lands” - the unexplored unexperienced field of potential. We are facing the unfamiliar. Anything could happen. But we keep our heart open and flexible to the new experiences - material, emotional, mental. The virgin field of consciousness and activity that this degree represents. Venus North node help us face the future by opening our mind to positive new information, forward looking, separating us from the past.

Mercury in its strength in Gemini also achieves its longest elongation - its farthest from Sun and its the point of gaining perspective due to distance. We gain a unique perspective on past events especially events since February which would help us in the move forward. We spoke of it in Mercury in Gemini post/podcast/video.

Delayed evaluation of end March actions against a traditional value system along with gaining perspective with distance is a key theme playing out right now.

But North Node lures with the future, its seduction is the growth thats unknown versus past thats stagnant. It drops signs and hints right when you are slipping back, showing you that you are on the right path forward. It also brings some needed objectivity to the situation. Pluto is right now retrograde - our transformation from now on is more internal versus external but supporting Sun our ego and identity - that process of inner transformation and strength you are undergoing somehow doesn’t let you go back as well.

We have a lot of power over our own life and choices, fate interjects but mostly to awaken us to this realisation. Evolution means move forward which North Node Venus guide us through but it also means elimination. An elimination which is based on introspection. Sun Pluto transit right now might suggest its beneficial for us to evolve forward by eliminating some clutter of the past too. May be today’s introspection brings that up too.

Power through!

[easilydistractedbyfanfic]

I’ve been thinking about that scene in False God’s when Raven locked Murphy in the containment room and at least there is a silver lining: If you look at DNR and how Raven told murphy to survive and he replied with “that’s what cockroaches do”, it could be argued that is what Raven meant to. In her telling him to “go be a cockroach” it was really her stubborn, emotionally repressed way of saying “I *need* you to survive this”. I don’t like the cockroach thing except for when it’s between them!

Hey friend! So I’ve been sitting on this response because I’ve been really still so unsure exactly what I think about this scene & comment. I started to answer a coupla times but then I just erased it because I didn’t feel like I was explaining myself well.

Ever since I started writing fanfic for Raven & Murphy, I spend a decent chunk of time picking apart their motivations and personalities, both in canon and when I write them in an AU. Especially when canon eps don’t give us a lot of insights to why they say something or react in certain ways, and yeah - sometimes even seem OOC for plot or for laughs or whatever.

So, I’ve thought a lot about this. Let’s dive in!

It seems likely that the radiation scenes were meant to call back to s4, both in terms of plot (radiation, nightblood, who is going to take the risk vs will someone be forced vs will someone volunteer), as well as with Raven telling Murphy to go & be a cockroach, as you point out. They’ve shuffled all the positions up, but there is a lot to be said about how they each might FEEL about these new roles. For example, Murphy and Em0ri fought against being given/forced into nightblood in s4, and now they both have it due to voluntarily agreeing to it. I actually dive into this with regard to Murphy’s feelings on how it’s his fault that they have nightblood and that if he hadn’t made some of his choices in s6, then Raven would never have asked them to go into the radiation chamber to begin with (see link below). Anyway, yes, s4 parallels ARE here.

Despite the lack of clarity in the line of “go, be a cockroach” (WHY she says it), there’s absolutely no way she ever wanted Murphy to die. She wants him to survive, both in order to fix the pipe so they don’t all blow up but also because she cares about him. This is an established relationship over multiple seasons. So yes, it could be her way of telling him to survive, or it could have been her way of lashing out at him because of the hurtful things he said to her prior to that scene. It’s... rather amorphous, isn’t it? I don’t think the writers did a good job with it UNLESS they want us to feel off-kilter with it, because there’s many interpretations that have been made. The scene should both tell & show the audience how we ought to respond and overall, I would rate these scenes as confusing because they don’t make it clear.

You’ve got Raven & Murphy both anxious and frustrated but they’ve proven that they actually work pretty well together in the past in these conditions - see s4 (him helping her figure out how to land the Vesta in the water), s5 (them working together on Eligius IV, scrapping plans at the last minute for new ones, and trying to keep each other safe/rescue each other when they’re caught), and in s6 (Raven wants to storm off with her own plans after learning about the Primes, Murphy calms her down and reminds her of facts and she accepts his plan. Then she backs him & his plan in the burning at the stake scene). They work well under pressure, together. Shown multiple times.

But, the addition of Em0ri being actively involved throws them off, I think. The dynamics shift too much. Maybe I am in the minority because I know some fans are all like ohhh memoraven, but all the scenes I know of with the 3 of them, I always think that they don’t work out so well. Think of the 3 of them in scenes in s4, s5, and s6 - they never collaborate, in fact when the 3 are together, often arguments happen or someone storms off. There’s only the s6 end hug which is like .08 seconds and duh they do all care about each other and are glad the others aren’t dead.

So, Raven works great with just Em0ri (and vice versa), and Raven works great with just Murphy (and vice versa). But all together? Nope, imho. Anyway, let me not get too off track and just say that there’s plenty of snapping between the 3 of them in these radiation scenes, including Raven saying the “moral anchor” line, which didn’t make sense to me at the time but now I’m wondering some stuff.

Okay but staying on topic, I do think Raven & Murphy were BOTH at the limits of their fear and frustration and anxiety and this is part of why they lashed out at each other AND why things escalated between them. I think Raven probably said the line and locked him in out of anger, fear and worry - especially because Murphy was already shown being willing to help. And yes, I think you’re right that they wanted the words as a s4 parallel even though they don’t quite make as much sense in this particular situation.

If you are interested in a deeper look at what I mean, then please read my latest fic, which is all about what Murphy was thinking in 7x09 and those radiation scenes too.

Hope this at least sort of answers your question, Murven friend! Thanks for the ask!

[into-the-clintoris]

OKAY

I recently got all swept up in the idea of an Umbrella Academy and The Adventure Zone crossover, and thought, yeah, you really can do a taz crossover with literally anything, huh? Now I absolutely MUST combine my favorite thing with my other favorite thing, Sanders Sides.

Hear me out.

So there I am, wracking my brain for a way that these characters could meet, and it doesn't really make sense because they're in Thomas's head and it's just kinda stupid and then this morning, I realize I'm approaching it all wrong. I'm looking at this from the perspective of a TAZ fan trying to fit something into the lore of my favorite podcast. I need to look at it from the perspective of a fander.

And what do fanders do? We make aus. Specifically found or biological family aus that no one asked for.

So @aubrey-tiny and @sanderssides-schmanderssides (my ts sideblog) proudly present:

Sanders Sides TAZ and McElroy AU

Note: for the sake of this AU, I'm only going to be speaking on Balance since the dynamic shifts so much all the time.

Okay, there are so many different ways this could go, even just in the first round, but personally I think that Griffin is Logan. Why? Because of the classic TAZ NPC pose, which is pinching the bridge of your nose in exasperation. Logan already spends so much time rounding up the other sides and keeping them on topic, so he might as well just be the long suffering dm. Furthermore, it takes a lot of creativity to come up with something like TAZ Balance, but I also think that we have to give credit to the careful planning, the rule noting, and general knowledge of DND that is required of any DM, all of which is more Logan's department. When I think of Griffin, I also think of philosophy, and the way he observes the world and the emotions it creates, and in general I associate philosophy with Logan's way of thinking and looking at the world.

Patton is Clint/Merle. Absolutely zero contest. He's small, he's goofy, he's the heart of the group with his faith and just general wholesomeness, bad jokes, dad jokes, IS THE LITERAL DAD, and is a healer. Doesn't get more Patton than that. He's also the mediator. The whole arc with John is so incredibly Patton -- what's that Merle Quote about joy? Also very Patton.

Here is where it could get sticky. The fandom usually pins Roman as the more flamboyant, effeminate, center of attention characters, so some might make him Taako, but I think Roman is Travis/Magnus. Remember, Roman's main thing is heroism and adventure, strength, sometimes a bit of a himbo, all of which describe Magnus PERFECTLY. "Do good recklessly" is absolutely something Roman would say. Roman, out of all of them, is absolutely the one who would be tempted, and then absolutely refuse to give in to a Grand Relic, and absolutely delight in the plans that he ruined because of it. Roman rushes in! And he is Creativity, so he would absolutely pick the most heroic class, then be disappointed to find that he has very limited options, then say fuck it and try to find a way to use as many moves as he can in the most creative way possible. Not to mention the excessively extensive backstory that Travis wrote and tried to shoehorn in as often as possible is exactly what a manifestation of creativity would do.

Lastly, Virgil is Justin/Taako. At first glance I can see why it wouldn't make sense, but it tracks once you think about Taako's personality and Justin's attitude toward the game. Theyre both sassy, kind of have that "dear god i do not want to be here attitude" but its all for show. Justin also wrote a bit of a gruesome past for Taako, which Virgil would absolutely do. But thats all surface level. To dig deeper, Taako is the anti hero, the one that would do anything, regardless of the morality, to save his friends. Virgil is known for the unconventional way he protected Thomas, by being the bad guy, until he realized people actually wanted to hear his voice in a good way. Remember when Taako said, "I'm worried no one else will have me"? That sounds like Virgil too. Virgil would take Lucretias betrayal the way Justin would, too. Family is the most important thing in the world to him. The fatalistic attitude, the "the world is ending and I don't care" thing, all very Virgil. And in the end, Taako never sees himself as a good guy. I don't think Virgil would either. (Oh, and Virgil would go batshit over dating the grim reaper are you kidding me???)

So that's my idea for a TS McElroy AU. Let me know what you think, and maybe some art?? I just don't want Veggie Sides to be my biggest contribution to this fandom.

(PS Janus and Remus would run Monster Factory lmao)

[nuitapp]

When the Planet ♃ of Luck, Growth, and Expansion was traversing through his home territory of Sagittarius, the party didn’t stop! But now, Jupiter is entering serious Capricorn on Dec. 3, so the party may wane…just a bit! But Jupiter is a positive influence no matter what it transits, so there are opportunities to manifest blessings in your life with this great benefic. Jupiter is travelling through the territory of the intense Saturn & Pluto conjunction that is building currently and is exact in January, giving us a welcome break for the part of our charts that has been under this heavy influence. Capricorn is all about discipline, and putting in those step by step efforts towards your goals, so if you’ve been doing the work in this sector, Jupiter is here to bring you the rewards of your work!

Overall themes of Jupiter of Capricorn will be:

📍Getting rewarded for our hard work towards our goals

📍Expanding our work ethic

📍Getting realistic about our long term goals

📍Bringing blessings with government, structures, and big business

📍Improving relationships with father or authority figures

While we’ll all be feeling an expansion around general Capricornian themes, where it’s transiting by 🏠 is where the cosmos is REALLY working for you. Jupiter’s blessings aren’t guaranteed - it represents opportunity, but it’s up to you to take action.

The team at NUiT have added positive mantras so you can work with the energy and begin to manifest YOUR Jupiter in Capricorn gifts!

Jupiter in Capricorn for Capricorn risings - 1st 🏠 expansions

Our rising or ascendant sign is the view by which we look at the 🌍 around us. So you should find Capricorn risings, that your mindset is much more expanded and optimistic with Jupiter crossing over your ascendant. Thank goodness, because you all have been hit by so much heaviness with Saturn, Pluto and South Node gathered on your sign. Expect this transit to feel much more optimistic and light. You’ll find you’re more apt to say YES to life. This optimistic influence is why many associate Jupiter ascendant transits with gaining weight - you might find yourself saying YES to dessert, that cooking class, that winery tour more often! You could say yes to travelling, to meeting different people, studying a new topic, taking a new class, getting more spiritual or making a lifestyle change. Expect the weight on your shoulders to be lifted, ESPECIALLY after January, Capricornians.

“I expand my worldview

I welcome in new experiences to my life”

Jupiter in Capricorn for Aquarius risings - 12th 🏠 expansions

Aquarius, you’ve been doing lots of work on your own internal psyche. It could have been an isolating influence this past year, with Saturn, Pluto and South Node heavying your subconscious processes. You may have had to put in work towards dealing with the skeletons in your closet, analyzing your subconscious programming and perhaps even doing shadow work. Jupiter in the 12th 🏠 transits can be a highly spiritual time, of diving within, to understand the inner you and getting to know yourself on a deeper level. 12th 🏠 is the 🏠 of isolation, so you may be feeling more drawn to spending more time alone, or want to 📓 a spiritual retreat to get away from your daily reality. Frame this year as a time to uncover what you hold back and really dive into the inner you.

“I dive within for inner knowledge and my sense of faith

I enjoy my own company”

Jupiter in Capricorn for Pisces risings - 11th 🏠 expansions

Pisces risings, you 🐟 are so energetically sensitive. This Saturn, Pluto and South Node in your 11th 🏠 may have been brutal to live through, but you did the work to clean out your friend groups. You may have been working to identify the people who uplift your energy and the people who take away from it. If you’ve had to cut off some toxic influences, the Jupiter in Capricorn transit will bring you some worldly, spiritual friends to reward you from the work in realizing your worth.  You may feel an expansion in the people you encounter or with your online presence - widening your influence. 11th 🏠 is also the sector of our chart ruling our hopes and dreams, so you could potentially feel more optimistic around your goals and where life will take you. Let the Capricorn influence inspire you to put in the work towards that big picture vision

“I expand my network

I receive recognition”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Aries risings - 10th 🏠 expansions

Aries risings, lots of pressure has been coming up for you all to crystallize your public persona and career. You could be feeling like you have needed to prove yourself to others. It may have been feeling as of late that you’ve been putting in twenty times the effort and receiving none of the praise at work. Jupiter entering this sector should bring some rewards - perhaps a promotion, a period of ✌️ with your authority figures or freedom if you’ve wanted to shift career paths. You could receive positive recognition in your line of work or attract some new opportunities - make the most of it, Aries!

“I invite in 💛-aligned career opportunities”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Taurus risings - 9th 🏠 expansions

Taurus, you all are realistic, hard working folks. But you may have found this past year, you’ve been feeling a little blocked in your worldview, spiritual mindset or perspective, being more pessimistic about this 🌍 and what’s possible for it. You’ve been working to get your ducks in a row - perhaps getting your passports ready for travel, working at your schoolwork or gaining a certification in some area. Jupiter in Capricorn will bring you the rewards you’ve been working for this past year and broadening your perspective.  If you’ve been wanting to move and travel abroad, your lucky streak starts Dec. 3 and lasts for about a year, so all of your work will be well worth it! You may start a new certification or class, broadening your mental perspective if you aren’t interested in physically travelling,  since Taurus does tend to be a comfy homebody like . You may get more spiritual and join a new spiritual group - say yes, bulls!

“I broaden my perspective and invite in new opportunities for learning, travelling and faith”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Gemini risings - 8th 🏠 expansions

Gemini risings, there could have been some changes in your partner’s income in the past year. Perhaps your business partner was sued, your spouse lost their job or your parents stopped supporting you financially. In one way, it hasn’t been a year you’ve felt like you can truly depend on those around you, rather you had to go out and get what you wanted for yourself. But with this transit, it could bring an expansion in the moral, emotional, financial or spiritual support you receive from others. Jupiter in Capricorn will reward you for being disciplined about your own work and finances, and you may begin to receive support from others. You could have lucrative payoffs from a legal case, receive dividends from your stocks or otherwise just reap 💰 from others.

“I invite in support from others”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Cancer risings - 7th 🏠 expansions

Cancers, you sensitive souls don’t necessarily like being in the spotlight, but with North Node transiting your sign this year, you’ve been thrust into the spotlight, whether on social media, at work or with your creative projects. You may have found this year really called upon you to step up and depend on yourself. The heaviest planets in the zodiac have been weighing down your 7th 🏠 of other people, so you could have been attracting karmic partners, or people who weren’t emotionally there for you whatsoever. With Jupiter tracing the steps of Saturn and Pluto, that will change starting Dec. 3. You’ll start to attract more optimistic, worldly, educated individuals who uplift you and support you. Jupiter also rules freedom, so if you’ve felt stuck in a stagnant 💛 or business relationship, you could free yourself from their influence as well. You deserve this, crabs. Be open!

“I attract optimistic, joyful people”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Leo risings - 6th 🏠 expansions

On Dec. 8 the Jupiter rays will be moving into the sector of life ruling service, day to day and health. This year has been rough on you lions. With Saturn, Pluto and South Node going through this sector, everything has just felt like so much WORK to maintain and you may be feeling weighed down with all of the burdens. You could be feeling low energy or listless, but with Jupiter illuminating this sector, you could get some answers to your health problems or a solution of some sort. You may find lions that it’s more pleasant to take care of your health. You may start up a new health practice or take it more seriously. Jupiter will also cast a glow on your act of daily working, so you may find it more pleasant working and have better working relationships.

“I find it enjoyable taking care of my body and my obligations.”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Virgo risings - 5th 🏠 expansions

Virgo, your detail-oriented mercurial minds is what makes you so beautiful, but over the past year, you’ve been so critical of your own creations. You’ve felt more interested in birthing something new but felt blocked in being able to fully explore it due to your overly critical mind. This is the inner 👶 🏠, so with Jupiter expanding it, you can ease up the stress and feel more expansive. Jupiter in 5th 🏠 will bring the confidence you need to perhaps put your work out there boldly, just as a celebration of being alive. Or, if you’ve been limiting in regards to your 💛 life, this energy could bring happiness, confidence and  fun back to your dating life.

“I create from my 💛”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Libra risings - 4th 🏠 expansions

My balanced scales, you’ve been working so hard to create a steady foundation for yourself. Family relationships could have been tense or your living environment could be stressful in 2019. Maybe you had to put in a ton of work on your 🏠 or apartment, with repairs and maintenance eating at your wallet. 4th 🏠 also rules emotional state, so you could be feel apathetic and detached from your daily reality, but Jupiter brings your internal state ✌️. You may free yourself from a toxic living situation, enjoy a period of ✌️ with your family members or expand your physical environment by remodelling or redecorating your space.

“I build a comforting, inspiring sanctuary”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Scorpio risings - 3rd 🏠 expansions

This Capricorn energy makes a nice sextile to your Scorpio energy, giving you some more positive energy. You may expand your skill sets, choosing to invest in a skill set or spend more time marketing yourself or your business. You could gain a new certification, in a topic you’ve been interested in - yoga, welding, you name it! It’s a nice time to be curious about the 🌍 around you after a period of feeling limited or blocked.

“I enhance my skill set.”

Jupiter in Capricorn transit for Sagittarius risings - 2nd 🏠 expansions

Sagittarius, you’ve likely been working harder than you ever have before and been feeling like you’re not reaping any of the rewards. Jupiter is coming to give you some rewards of your monetary reality. You could get a raise, start a second stream of income or free yourself from a job position that was not aligned with your goal. Jupiter’s luck could cast a glow around your 💰 or jobs, so support it by looking for a job with more income. You could also manifest an opportunity to work abroad or remotely - boost your 🏦 account AND your worldview, Sagittarians!

“I expand my 💰”

[queeranarchism]

When the Right accepts the reality of Climate Change

This is going to be a long post and it's not a fun story. In fact, it might take away hope in an already difficult time. But I think it's an important thing to talk about:

When the political right fully accepts the reality of climate change, we're f*cked.

The common narrative is this: Scientists and climate activists on this left are facing the reality of climate change and have the solutions. To save us all, what they need to do is defeat the (mostly right wing) climate change deniers and convince everyone of the severity of the problem. If they convince enough people about the reality of climate change, they will also have enough people on their side to create the big changes necessary and climate collapse will be averted.

Now, to be honest, I don't think climate collapse can still be averted. We can do something to slow climate change but we are clearly nowhere close to achieving the radical changes that could prevent climate collapse (if that is even still possible) and I don't see a revolution on the short term horizon. It sucks but it's time we started facing that climate collapse is really coming. But that's not actually what I wanted to talk about. Here's a (kinda-democratic-law-and-order-blah) article with more on that: https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/what-if-we-stopped-pretending. If you disagree with me on that, do keep reading, the rest of this post will still be relevant.

Back to the topic: in the years to come we will see more and bigger climate disasters and at some point anyone still denying climate change will look absolutely ridiculous. The political right could dig themselves in deeper and lose all sense of reality and some might do that but at some point most on the right will turn around and accept that climate change and likely climate collapse is a real and urgent threat.

And here's the shitty thing: they will come up with different solutions than those that the political left is suggesting. Because they work by their own logic based on competition, authority and control. So here's the 4 most likely answers they would come up with:

1. More borders. Less refugees.   From a capitalist point of view, climate change is first and foremost a matter for resources. If oil and water and food and inhabitable ground are all running out, then the most important thing to do is to hang on to all you have. From a state's point of view, this is also what it needs to do to serve it's most basic interests: 'If most of the planet will die, we'll be the survivors'. This isn't hypothetical. "Expected water shortages leading to increased pressures on our southern borders, requiring more resources to secure border crossings" are the kind of sentences that have been in military planning documents for two decades now. Military strategists are already gearing up to make sure their state survives while the world dies.

2. More police. More prisons. More surveillance. If there are shortages of oil, water and food coming in even the wealthiest countries, then social unrest will surely follow. From a right-wing point of view, the best way to prepare for that is to make sure there are more camera's, more boots and more guns on the street and less civil rights getting in the way of maintaining order.

3. Less democracy, more dictatorship. If you're right wing and you've finally faced the reality of climate change, shit's getting urgent. Now you can choose a number of drastic solutions. Some are very expensive - the most expensive thing EVER - and require creating the kind of society that you (as a right wing person) consider 'unrealistic' or morally unacceptable. Other proposed solutions sound a lot more attractive. Like the idea to fill the atmosphere with sulfur to stop the heat of the sun (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stratospheric_aerosol_injection). This comes with a lot of risks and unknowns and doesn't actually remove any CO2 from the air, but hey, it's better than changing our whole society, right? If this is the road you go down, you will also realise that such a drastic and distopian sounding plan isn't likely to be embraced by the masses. Most don't like the idea of indefinitely filling our air with sulfur to block the sun. So the obvious answer is that a strong leader must declare a climate emergency, abolish 'democratic checks and balances' and take the necessary action. And since this plan would need to be maintained for a few decades, that leader's power should be pretty long term.... Other attempts on the right to science our way out of climate change without social change are likely to have similar results. 

4. Population control. This one even sneaks its way into some leftist discourse under the guise of 'having less children as a green consumer option'. Spoiler alert: this is never how population control actually works out. What we're likely to see under 'moderate' right wing governments is pressure on reproductive rights, particularily those of the poor and people of color, accompanied by secret draconian measures such as forced sterilisation imposed on the undocumented, the institutionalized, prisoners. The idea of sterilising those 'unfit to reproduce' has a long history in 'western civilisation' and is still here. It will manifest itself in the context of the ugly reality of climate collapse. The 'population control' option of the far-right politician is of course genocide. If there are too many people, too big a carbon footprint and not enough resources: better make sure the best people survive, right? This isn't hypothetical either. 'Eco-fascists' who believe that climate change demands mass murder (of everyone except white people) already exist. 

So yeah... when the political right accepts the reality of climate change, we're f*cked.

But I'm not writing this just to mess with your last bit of hope. I wanna face this reality because it allows us to ask the next question: So what do we do? Here's some answers I would give:

1. Stop trying to convince the climate deniers on the right. Let them bury themselves into their own ignorance. Let them reason themselves into insignificance. We don't actually want them on our side. The longer they stick to their bullshit the better. Instead, cut out their noise and let's focus our energy on far more relevant conversations like 'can we still prevent climate collapse?', 'how do we actually prepare for climate collapse?'. Those are the public conversations that should be taking place.

2. Reduce the power of the right wherever we can. Whether it's unionizing, elections of the streets: what we do to reduce the power of the political right now will be vital in the years to come. If they're as strong 10 years from now as they are today, they can put their own 'solutions' into action and we'll really be f*cked. Everything we can do to change the balance of power will make all of our survival more likely.

3. Resist any normalization of the 'population control' narrative. Make sure everyone knows that the richest 10% are responsible for 49% of CO2 emision while the poorest 50% are responsible for 10%. Make sure everyone knows that we could actually sustainably feed the planet if we distributed food better. If you see 'having less children' suggested as a green choice, have a serious conversation about where that line of thinking is most likely to take us. If you see someone romanticizing a future in which most of the world population is dead, don't give such a horrible notion an inch of space. Make it very very clear that the 'population control' narrative lays the foundations for genocide. Destroy those foundations wherever you find them.

4. Prepare to be (more) illegal. If we don't manage to create a big shift in power, it is very likely that we will soon see far more repression. The only way we can continue to resist and survive is if we're prepared. So things like increasing our ability to communicate and move undetected, and our ability to break the law and get away with it, are vital things to work on in the years to come. If we do end up with more fascist dictatorships, it'll be what keeps us alive.

5. Strengthen everything that keeps us alive and fight everything that kills us. In the coming crisis, everything we have will matter. Every reproductive right we protected. Every water source we protected. Every community we strengthened. Every step towards equality that we took together. And everything they don't have will matter. Every legal power the cops didn't get because we resisted. Every prison that didn't get build because we resisted. Every fascist group that didn't get off the ground because we resisted. The struggles we're already in against social inequalities are all going to matter more than ever. We can't put any of them on hold to 'focus on the climate first'. We fight economic inequality, racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism and more now because the progress we make in every one of those struggles is part of what will keep us alive.

[mssapphire]

Deconstructing Romantic Love, and what’s actually wrong with it (pt. 1) - Desire and Admiration =/= Love.

In our infinite quest for happiness, one pervasive question we tend to have is: what is love? (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no mo’). And in this quest we have tried to find a million different answers and we have tried to deconstruct and understand what works and what makes it dysfunctional.

In the last century or so, we have tried to come up with alternatives to what we have identified as the root of all evil and female oppression: heteropatriarchal romantic love. And I say in the last century because Romanticism is a 19th c. thing - and to understand how it completely changed society and our relational dynamics, I’d suggest Alain de Botton (it’s a long video but 1) it’s worth it and 2) if you don’t have the time to read his book(s), it’s a great alternative).

This has given way to different forms of “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. I’ll eventually write a post abut the history around different Free Love movements - and how the term has definitely meant different things in different moments of time, and how we have now devoid it of any meaning, to the point we’re back in the clutches of patriarchy through rampant consumerism of bodies. But that’s a post for another day.

What I’d like to explore today is that the problem doesn’t rely in what relationship model you choose to follow (monogamy, polyamory, relationship anarchy, open relationships), but in the way we (mis)understand love. I recently wrote a post about the meaning of being emotionally responsible, making an emphasis on why it’s so difficult for cis straight men. And following that thread, I’d like to come to another crossroads we (but, again, specially cis straight men) seem to find ourselves on: confounding admiration and desire with love. Let’s break that down.

I could really, really go on a tangent here, but I’ll try to stay focused. We could trace back our culture’s confabulation of love, admiration and desire to Courtly Love. Courtly Love taught men that love but, most importantly, loving the right way, was something that could make you a better person, morally (and even socially) superior. The right way to love a Lady, who was the purest being incarnated on the face of the earth, was to admire her beauty which was no doubt a display of her own moral worth (yes, these are white beauty standards, where the most celebrated type of woman was blonde, pale as porcelain, and with blue or green eyes) - and yes, physical appearance being equated to moral worth was a thing in Medieval times (you can guess which are the good guys or the bad guys in a Medieval story only through their physical description). But here comes the plot twist about Courtly Love: you didn’t even had to have met the object of your desire to love her. So you have an entire tradition of poems being written by men to, for and about women they hadn’t even met. They had just heard about their reputation, and they completely made up a fantasy as to who the woman was - a woman they not only proclaimed to love, but also a woman whom they loved so much they could die for her.

This was fertile grounds for Petrarch’s poetry, now in the Renaissance, who took Courtly Love one step further: actually attaching the object of his desire to a real, living person (Laura). Fast forward to Romanticism and the idea of loving someone to the point it kills you, and that they’re the one and only object of your desire, and your “soul mate”, and thus complete and complement you in every single way has now become the trend as to how we perceive love.

But that all sounds very exotic and distant. What about the present? Certainly, you can’t compare these guys to the guys on tinder trying to hook up with anyone who’ll say yes. But allow me to say: 1) yes, yes I can and 2) it’s not only these guys - but even those who seem “more decent” and actually take you out on a date, and even date you for a while. Allow me to elaborate.

Again, I am going to go ahead and quote bell hooks’ definition of love (this is something I do, a lot): you have to distinguish love as a feeling vs love as a verb (we’ll circle back to this). When you understand love as a feeling, and as a feeling only, desire and admiration tend to feel a lot like love. And the problem lies therein society’s portrayal’s of love: “love at first sight”, passionate sex as the ultimate display of what love is and should be, blind admiration towards that person and how you have to stick through thick and thin until death do us part (does that ring a bell?).

“Seeing no wrong” with the object of our affection (or what we now call “missing red flags”) is something we do when we blindly admire someone. And, thus, that convinces us that real love, true love, is that in which you find no conflict, and where the other person is perfect and without flaw. The problem with confusing admiration and love is that, to admire someone, we have to put them up on a pedestal, so we can continue to admire them without our image of them crumbling. Think about all the times you lost respect for your idols as you found out who they really were, as a person, above and beyond their work.

The same happens with desire - which is something more visceral and raw. That person is desirable as long as they fit the fantasy we have about them - which relies to physical attributes, yes, but about things they do and don’t do. Even more so, sex is something that gives you the illusion of intimacy, because sex is inherently emotional and vulnerable (and the idea that it isn’t is capitalistic bullshit, but that’s a topic for another post).  So while you’re engaging in sex, you can enjoy all those endorphins and mushy feelings, without actually doing the hard work of actually getting to know the person for real. The moment the person displays a behavior or an attribute that clashes with the idea we have in our heads (maybe they’re too awkward, or they have bad breath in the morning), our fantasy, built on desire, starts to crumble.

Let me drive the point home with a personal example. An ex of mine was initially deeply attracted to me because of my intelligence (it was a good thing that he found me physically attractive too). He would be delighted when he saw me debate other people (and destroy them), to the point it immediately triggered physical affection. But as the relationship progressed and we found ourselves sharing and discussing personal views, his attitude started to shift. A quality that he usually admired me for, became something that made him feel contempt. “You’re so smart” turned into “you’re too smart” which eventually turned to “I can never talk to you because everything turns into a debate”. My attitude and approach hadn’t changed. What was happening is what always happens in an emotional relationship where you’re actually getting to know the person: I was falling off the pedestal he put me in. 

And, suddenly, I was seen not only as a human being with flaws and shortcomings, and far from perfect - but having to be so close and vulnerable in front of me was also deeply uncomfortable to him. Because when you’re really close to someone, that makes you reflect on yourself. True love and intimacy is an exercise of self reflection, which allows you to become acquainted with the best and worst sides of you. In my ex’s case, having to be confronted by the intelligence he admired so much initially, made him feel stupid and insecure.

Which leads me to another thing: in this confabulation of admiration/desire for love, men also get another short end of the stick. Because patriarchy has convinced them that a woman’s love lies in her admiration for him, the object of their desire (who has to instantly desire them back just because they want this person) has one job and one job only: to admire and support him unconditionally. This means that men are permanently stuck in a position where they have to display strength and bravado, as they fulfill the role of protectors and providers. And what happens then? you never truly get to know who they are inside. So any sort of criticism, disagreement or conflict is perceived as a threat - if you’re not admiring them, you’re personally attacking them, and you don’t really love them.

Again, the problem with all of this is that we still haven’t understood what love actually is. According to bell hook, love is also a verb. It’s the actions you take in order to nurture the relationship, so you both feel seen, known, heard and understood. It’s getting to know the other person deeply and honestly. It’s seeing ourselves reflected in their eyes and getting to know new depths about us that we hadn’t before.

Think about it in another way: if that person wasn’t physically attractive to you anymore, would you still love them? if that person presented flaws that you hate, would you still love them? If they didn’t have the same social status or job? if they didn’t engage in specific activities with you? and what would you be willing to do if those things change? these are all important questions to assess where your feelings for someone stand.

To be clear: you can love someone and admire them and desire them. But just because someone desires you or just because someone admires you, that doesn’t mean they love you. Again, love is in the work you do. And if you do your homework, you will find yourself admiring that person on deeper more significant attributes, like their compassion and patience and integrity, while you even learn to understand and appreciate their flaws in the context of who they really are - that’s what being understood means.

The problem is not monogamy. In fact, I find it more responsible and sustainable to understand just how much work goes into having healthy loving relationships and deciding to have that with one person, than being a hot ass mess and falling in and out of an unending string of relationships because we’re trying to score “woke points” by denying monogamy. Because if you think you’re defying monogamy while at the same time you’re following the same romantic standards to relate, then you’re not really subverting anything.

Next time you feel like you might feel love for someone, ask yourself if what you’re feeling means that you actually have the willingness to do the work required to be in a healthy relationship with them. If you find their presence in your life worth the effort or not. If this is a nourishing relationship, then the answer will probably be yes.