#a lot of these relationships would be like 'wow i never even noticed you existed until adulthood. i always got you confused with your

[thewertsearch]

Anonymous asked: just read through your entire liveblog and wow. what a place to catch up. do you have any predictions about what the postscratch versions of the guardians will be? what about the guardian versions of the kids?

So.

Mom Lalonde, Grandpa Harley, Nanna Egbert, and Bro Strider, reborn as the story's protagonists, and thrust into a Playerdom I never expected them to bear. The consequences of this reveal are likely to kick in on the very next page - and since that's a page I'm clicking on tonight, this is my last chance for some blind speculation.

There are an absolute mountain of angles I could potentially cover here, and it's impossible to address all the implications of this twist, so I'm just going to touch on a few key questions that Act 6 will need to answer sooner rather than later.

Without further ado, let's dive into our first question.

Who, exactly, is raising these kids?

The simplest solution, of course, would be a one-to-one exchange between each Player and their Guardian. That certainly seems to be the case for Jade and Grandpa, who have been directly swapped. This would imply that Rose raised Mom, Dave raised Bro, and John might have raised Nanna. (More on that later.)

Still, that's not the only possibility. There's no reason why Dave couldn't raise the adolescent Mom instead, for example, with Rose adopting the younger Bro in his stead. That particular configuration has a lot of character potential, actually, because Bro Lalonde would undoubtedly be an unholy terror, and Mom Strider might just be one of the coolest characters I've ever conceived of.

This aesthetic, with those shades? Come on.

...all that said, though, I'm fairly sure we are just getting a one-to-one swap. That's how it appears to have worked for the trolls, and the one post-Scratch Player with a confirmed Guardian already matches this pattern.

Plus, swapping the kids with their own parents is just so interesting, on a character level, as it'd add a whole new dimension of analysis to the fucked-up relationships between Bro & Dave, Mom & Rose, and Grandpa & Jade.

Seeing how they all treat each other, now that the roles have been reversed, would be incredibly illuminating, and might shed some light on the thought processes of the pre-Scratched Guardians, as they were raising their own respective charges.

Anyway - now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about each individual family.

The Egberts

Astute readers will notice that I only mentioned the Guardian-Player parallels for three of our Players above - and that's because when it comes to the fourth, there's a slight complication.

Namely, Dad Egbert no longer exists.

This means that Nanna's home life can't parallel John's, because the man who raised John was never even born. It's possible, then, that John will simply raise Nanna himself, as her grandfather.

Honestly, that's the scenario I'm hoping for, here. Out of our four original Players, I think that John would be the best parent by far - he's sweet, resilient, and has a natural talent for nurturing the positive qualities of the people he loves. If a baby lands in his backyard, he's going to rise to the challenge, octogenarianism be damned.

...now, here's where I'd speculate a little about Nanna's personality, but she's the one post-Scratch Player I can't really get a bead on. We only ever interacted with her Spritesona, whose personality was obviously corrupted by the presence of the jester doll.

As a result, I don't really have a clue what Nanna will be like. The only thing I'm sure about, if John's the one raising her, is that she'll be loved.

The Striders

First of all, I have faith in Dave.

I think he's more or less guaranteed to be a better Guardian than his brother ever was. Granted, I don't think Dave would be particularly paternal, but I also think he'll be able to refrain from beating Bro's ass with a puppet, which is progress.

I think Dave would be a laissez-faire type of guardian, who allows the younger Bro a lot more agency and autonomy than other kids his age, but also struggles to be the adult in the room when his kid needs guidance. He's not going to be as traumatized as his younger self, but I bet it's still borderline impossible to have a serious conversation with him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Kid Bro turned out to be the more mature of the pair.

In a nutshell, Dave was born to be a cool uncle, but was forced unwittingly into a parental role instead. He's doing his best.

Quite frankly, I'm very worried about Kid Bro.

If we assume that every Paradox Clone keeps the same Veil item as last time - and there's no reason why they wouldn't - then Bro will be coming down with Lil' Cal, the cursed puppet created by Gamzee's Chucklevoodoos.

I'm still convinced that long-term exposure to this abomination was the main reason Bro was so batshit insane, and while the younger Bro won't have been around it for quite as long, he'll still have thirteen years of an evil Juggalo's Rage miasma being beamed into his brain.

I think Kid Bro will be a little batshit, but not completely batshit. We'll see a child with the potential to become the deranged ventriloquist who tormented Dave, but one who can still be saved, if we can just get that hell puppet away from him.

Separated from Cal, I still think Bro will be a memelord, and I'm sure not all his interests came from the puppet. I think this guy was always destined to be a pretty bizarre dude - but with luck, this iteration of him will be a little more pleasant to be around.

The Lalondes

Rose... could go either way, honestly.

Just like Dave, I don't think she's the type who'd willingly choose to be a parent. Rose doesn't want a baby, she wants a library full of cursed tomes, a coven of witches to scheme with, and to live in an enormous gothic castle with her wife, Kanaya Maryam. Her ideal lifestyle couldn't handle a kid, and I think she's self-aware enough to know that, and adopt a hundred mutant kittens instead.

That said... if she had to raise a daughter, I think she'd try her best to do right by the girl. I think some part of her would absolutely resent the fact that she's a background character in someone else's life - especially if, like the Sufferer, she remembers being a Player - but she'd do everything she could to keep that resentment to herself.

Rose would be an alright mother. A little cold, maybe, and more than a little distant, but she'd still love her Roxy.

As for Roxy, I can only assume she's a gigantic fucking badass. Even among the Guardians, her barehanded combat feats were always astounding, and I think she and Kid Bro will be the primary combatants of their session.

I also think she'll be one of the most analytical, scientifically-minded Players we've ever seen. Her adult self was experimenting with Ectobiology even outside of Sburb, which suggests to me an intense curiosity about how all this shit works, which isn't present in most of our other heroes. Like Rose, she'll be a researcher, and maybe even a Seer - but while Rose searched for the truth via magic and mysticism, Roxy's research will be entirely scientific.

Honestly, the most exciting thing about finally meeting Roxy is the milestone it'll represent. I'll finally, finally have encountered every character I knew about prior to starting the comic.

The Harleys

Grandma Jade was still the Witch of Space, and was clearly aware of that fact.

This tells us that:

John, Rose and Dave also retained their Titles, even if they don't know it.

Grandma Jade was probably aware of Sburb and its secrets, especially if she was living near the Frog Temple.

Grandma Jade was the Witch of Space. She's gone.

...and I have a theory about what happened to her.

I think that when Grandpa was a baby, Jade travelled to Anachronism Island, just like her predecessor did - but this time around, it wasn't Bec who greeted her at the Temple.

No, I think Jade had a fatal encounter with the new First Guardian of Earth - a corrupted First Guardian, spliced with the same HONK code that created Scratch. Kid Grandpa clearly survived whatever happened next, and I think it's horribly plausible that the new First Guardian is a pseudo-Guardian to him, the same way Becquerel was to Jade.

In other words, this kid might be completely compromised, manipulated by English's servant since infancy. Let's not forget that he's the one who suggested making the bunny to Jade, which is the reason Jack was able to ascend in the first place...

...but someone suggested it to him, first.

Anyway, those are my high-level thoughts about the new timeline's key players. We'll be starting Act 6 in an hour or so, and I've got a feeling that we're about to see Nanna standing in a very familiar room.

After all, it just so happens that today...

[pauline-sunshine]

Wanna smoke?

Jungkook x reader

Warnings: characters are smoking

Word count: 1360

A/N: I apologize for any errors! English is not my first language. Enjoy! Also those edits with this mf smoking live rent-free in my mind. Help.

First time in South Korea! Exciting, right? It was your dream for quite some time and finally you decided to come here to experience rich asian culture and see everything yourself. It was especially pleasant because you ended up to having your personal guide through Korea in a face of Jungkook. You still didn’t believe it, though.

Due to your profession you visited a lot of music events and awards. As trivial as it is that’s exactly how you two met. There was something special about your relationship yet intangible. You could be miles away from each other, you could not talk for weeks, but every time any of you replied to the other’s story it always grew into the most heartwarming and deep conversations. The connection between you two was on another level. It was as if time didn't exist when you were engaged in these exchanges, transcending distance and circumstance. There was no place for awkwardness instead it was a pure hart-to-heart or soul-to-soul interactions. You knew him from another life, at least you liked to think so.

Obviously he was the first one to find out you were going to Seoul. It all stated as your usual conversation but it led to something different this time.

“Guess what, Jungkook,” you teased him with a sly smile.

‘’Oh, i don’t know what’s going on in that pretty mind of yours,” he answered in a raspy voice.

“Well, you’d better be prepared because I’m coming,” you raised your eyebrows in a quick movement and glanced at your FaceTime partner.

“Is that a threat? Am I supposed to be scared?” He tried to joke it off.

“You didn’t get it, did you? I said I’m coming to Korea,” you made sure to emphasize the last word.

“Are you serious? When? I’ll make sure to meet you at the airport,” all of a sudden his joking side transformed into impatience.

“Hey, hey, come down, cowboy. I’m coming in a week. Still have to make a hotel reservation and…” you couldn’t continue because of his interruption.

“What are you talking about? You thought you would come to Seoul and stay in a hotel. Please, make me a favor and don’t say stupid things like that ever again. You’re staying in my apartment.” He wasn’t even asking or inviting you to stay, it sounded more like a demand.

“Well, I guess I can’t refuse then,” you bit your lower lip to stop yourself from smiling.

You arrived quite late at night but he kept the promise and picked you up from the airport. You noticed him in a waiting area and ran to him dropping all your baggage.

“I never thought I missed you so much,” you smiled dissolving in his warm embrace.

“I never thought you would finally become bigger than my phone screen,” he admitted hugging you stronger.

“Told you I was coming,” you teased him and loosened the embrace keeping your hands around his neck.

“Told you I was scared,” he talked back smiling and resting his hands on your waist slightly moving them up and down.

“Now, c’mon, let’s drive home. It’s late,” he suggested while looking into your eyes.

He picked up your things and led the way to the car. On the way to his apartment you were talking about your ‘tourist schedule’: things you had to do and places worth visiting. You didn’t notice how the time flew by but here you were entering his apartment.

“Wow” you sighted.

“Wanna look around?”

The apartment’s interior design reflected a blend of modern aesthetics and personal touches that were creating a warm and inviting atmosphere. The living area featured a minimalist design with sleek furniture. The kitchen had dark cabinetry that contrasted beautifully with light countertops. In the bedroom, a calming color palette of soft grays and whites promoted relaxation. The bed was dressed in plush linens, surrounded by tasteful decor that reflects Jungkook's personality. There was also a nice balcony with a breathtaking view of the city. Overall, Jungkook's apartment was a harmonious blend of style and comfort, making it a perfect sanctuary for the talented artist.

He showed you your room and gave you some personal time because he knew how tiring flights can be.

“Make yourself at home, Y/N. Take your time, meanwhile I’ll get us some food,” he said leaning on a doorway.

You quickly freshened up, unpacked some of your things and headed back to the living room. You found him laying the table.

“Hey,” you said quietly letting him know you were there.

“Well, I thought, as it’s your first time in Korea, I decided to order some kimbap, hope you will like it.” He made a gesture inviting you to sit.

“Never tried that but it looks absolutely delicious,” only now from seeing the food you actually realized how hungry you were.

“And for the drinks…” he was going through his liquor cabinet, “wanna try a Korean soju?” He turned to you.

“Bring it here,” you replied with a big smile.

You had the time of your life having dinner with him and laughing at the way he was trying to teach you how to eat with chopsticks. Once the food was finished, the two of you moved to the living room opening another bootle of soju. Maybe it was the tipsy state you two had but every time there were just a little more innocent touches and the need of him inside you was growing stronger. Laughter became quieter, and pauses between sentences grew longer and were filled with meaningful glances.

“Wanna smoke?” You suggested.

“Hell yeah, let’s go,” he stood up and gave you his hand lifting you up.

He didn’t let go of your hand instead he intertwined your fingers and led you to the balcony. As you entered you noticed a little couch with a coffee table on a side with cigs, lighter and an ashtray. He plopped down on the couch while you came closer to the panoramic glass windows just admiring the beauty of Seoul.

“You know, the view is to die for,” you murmured completely mesmerized by what you were seeing.

“Yeah, I know” he agreed. You’ll never know that at this moment the only thing he was looking at was you.

“Do you want to hear my smoking playlist?” You asked while sitting next to him on the couch.

“Sure, I want to hear everything If that’s connected to you” he lighted up his cigarette. You held your one between your lips while finding the song. “Here, let me help you.” He took your chin with his hand turning your face to him. Neither of you broke the eye contact as he lit your cigarette.

“Tanks,” you replied. “Here, found it, listen,” you pressed play. Boy, the last thing he expected to hear was this.

“But that’s…” he bursted into laughter.

“Yes, that’s Black Swan…Hey, you! Stop laughing!” You hit him slightly while making a drag.

“Sorry, sorry, I just didn’t expect that,” he said after letting the smoke out.

“I don’t know…It just makes me feel thing okay?!” You started singing along to the song while reaching the ashtray and stubbing your cigarette.

Jungkook made the same thing and there you were in bare millimeters away from his face. The next thing you knew was your lips meeting his. A shy at first snd soft kiss builds into a passionate one. You move and sit down on his laps whining upon him. “Wow, you’re impatient,” Jungkook chuckled softly against your lips. You rushed your fingers through his hair and his toned torso while he shamelessly explored your body with his arms. His hands roam your back, pulling you in closer. The tension builds, electricity crackling between you as the music continues in the background. Jungkook pulled back slightly, glancing into your eyes, his breath mingling with yours.

“It’s about time, don’t you think so?” He said with a seductive smile. You gleamed and led him into another kiss.

[arrowmance]

[ ♥ ] 𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟒, 𝟒𝐓𝐇 𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑

This letter is directed to... Satan, the Avatar of Wrath. To the demon who I wish I understood more of. cw: reader and satan here do not have a good relationship.

❥ back to the masterlist : upcoming, 5th letter

Dear Satan, 

Merry Christmas!

I never knew you liked fruitcake, I’ve always thought you hated sweets since that incident. Don’t get it wrong, it’s not that it goes against your personality or such, but I’d never think you moved on so quick.

I would like to applaud you, actually. I’m just grateful that I got to know you, perhaps bond? You seemed to be a very reserved person, minus the rage. I never thought a guy like you would be interested in forming a sort of relationship.

Seriously, I thought we would be nothing more than housemates at the start. Just someone who I might ask a clarifying question or two, but now the whole class ships us. Can you believe that? He got mad when he found out, but didn’t wish to risk anything or else situations would get even more dire.

Did you also know I had a dream? It was wonderful.

“The flowers in the Devildom are slightly unpredictable, to say the least— But, why not take a break from there and visit the human realm with me?” I was almost hesitant to ask.

"It's too soon to already go looking for the others. No other realm could compare the serenity this place holds."

What were you saying? Or did you just pull a line straight from a favourite romantic work? Satan, that was rather cheesy of you… And I can’t blame that. I’ve been paying way too much attention to all others. To your brothers. And I was too stupid to realize that.

For why did I choose the Phantom (Lucifer), when Raoul was right there? I’d like to believe you would've loved to continue that narrative.

"Ah... I've lost myself, haven't I?" I recalled you staring at the flower in your other hand. "My apologies if I become straightforward. Being enamored by you puts my senses at ease.."

For in a millennia could we do what lovers do. Like, wow, first few months of the year and you’d theorize (hypothesize?) on how you’d imagine a future with the both of us. From the letter, to the flowers, and I heard you took latte art and other creatives? I just can’t fathom the lengths you go just for these adorable gestures.

And now you act like I don’t exist. 

Satan, if only you understood how it felt. Recently I’ve noticed how you would rather avoid me on purpose, and then you dropped the whole bombshell that somehow, I can no longer see you all again for whatever reasons that you aren’t telling ME. 

To what, get even?

On me because I wasn’t telling you anything and suddenly you’re taking EVERYTHING back, is it now? Look, it was just one mistake, JUST ONE.  But you had to talk. You had to look at me. You had to look down, saying words like: “Yes it was one mistake. One. Two. Three—it’s all the same. You never cared.” 

“I’m trying!”

“Your attempt at “trying” is as good as shit. If you’ve acknowledged why you’re wrong, maybe then we wouldn’t even be here in the first place.”

Okay now arguments and drunkery aside, yes. I admit, I was wrong.

So please, just talk to me already. Look I’ve seen you get mad, but this just hurts. Please, my Raoul, I can’t stand another thought of you dismissing me without a second thought. It’s just with an array of guys at one’s beck and call, I couldn’t help myself.

And as I wrote that paragraph, I could feel the pit in my stomach. It feels vile—utterly disgusting. 

I can't. You may have thought I'm a whole lot of things and I admit I was a shit person for leading you on like that, so, I'm sorry. Even if it's all going circling and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, I'm still not stopping.

I only have one thing to say, and one thing to do.

If you allow me the pleasure of getting to know you once more.

For now, I thank you for a lot of things. Thank you for being an emotional relief. Thank you for making me realize that my intelligence and emotions are not complimentary, as sometimes they'd go against each other. Thank you for those late night study sessions, for accompanying me during the slow hours at the library, for being the other person i could talk about stories, histories and concepts with.

The day our castle fell I was left devastated. I've written a memoir about that day at the cat cafe, where I thought I'd leave the Devildom alone.. Until you came running in, soaking wet from the rain, snarkly commenting how I forgot my diary.

I wished you read it, maybe then I wouldn't even be writing this letter. Then again, it's my fault.

I'm sorry. If you're reading this until now, you know where to find me at Christmas Eve. Same place as before, and bring the scarf i bought you.

Thank you, Satan. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Sincerely, The World's most Exemplary Critic

ps: i love you. if only i knew.

© 𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐖𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 2024. do not copy, modify, or repost any work as your own.

december 4th, 2024 | wave dividers by cafekitsune

[hyperblue]

Everyday I scroll through your blog just to remember what happiness is.

Also, I did have an actual question or request(?) I suppose, I want, NEED more details about your specific AU with Wendy and Jackie, what fo they enjoy? How often do they fight with their fathers? What do they grow up to be??? You've said before that Jack is scared of his powers, so does this result in him going out and having a 'normal' life? How would that affect his relationships with his family?

Of course you don't have to answer but I am very curious!

hello there!! I'm so glad to hear that you're enjoying my blog, thank you for your kind words 💙

and yes i will gladly answer your questions! this will probably get a bit long, i hope that's okay with you

au's mainly focused on twins when they are around 17-18 (kind of symbolic to tim's age when he cloned them because I'm prosy like that)

one of the main reasons why I've decided to go for twins in this au (aside from being indecisive about whether it should be a boy or a girl) is because it gives me a chance to demonstrate how two people can have same upbringing/surrounding and be influenced by the very same group of people AND still form entirely different perspectives and opinions on certain things. i'm going to use both kids' relationships with kon as one of the clearest examples:

wendy appreciates kon dearly, she thinks very high of him and constantly seeks for his company and attention. on the other hand, as she gets older, it becomes really awkward for her to be around him because she's old enough now to actually understand and pear wiggle the whole "my dad cloned me out of this dead dude's dna without his consent" thing in her head, until she has to stop for a moment and go: "wow. that was So Not Okay of my dad." on top of that she's facing a major identity crisis because you know, teens, and starts to question her own existence and even tim's love for her, because she can't be sure now if he actually loves her or if she's just a good enough replacement of what her dad could have loved, but never got an actual chance. which eventually leads to her bottling up lots of anger towards tim, because obviously it's his fault that she can't look kon in the eyes anymore, and none of this would've happened if he just had his shit together and didn't try to clone kon all those years ago (and she's not even entirely wrong)

what she CAN'T fathom just yet is the fact that she loves kon so much partly because she got to see him through tim's eyes; part of her affection for kon is deeply rooted in a way tim spoke about him when she was a kid, always loving, always in awe — essentially, tim was the first person who taught wendy the concept and the feeling of love. and even her awkwardness and guilt that she's experiencing around kon are inherited from tim; she's just mirroring her dad's own feelings about himself without even realizing it

jackie, on the other hand... it would be easy to say that he's just not as close with kon as his sister, but when you start to look at the reasons, well, it gets a little bit messy. you see, jackie was always a "daddy's boy"; he and tim were inseparable when jackie was a kid, they still are, actually, it's just that tim only now starts to realize negative side effects of their closeness but that's for another post. not only that, he's also much more... observant than wendy in a lot of ways, so while wendy was soaking in tim's affection for kon as a sponge to eventually make it her own, jackie couldn't help but notice how hard it was for his dad to have kon in his life only as a co-parent and nothing more (they've bended their friendship as years went by, but it was never easy for both of them); not to mention that tim, to this day, experiences a very severe depressive episodes, to the point of not being able to get out of bed — jackie was very affected by it too growing up. so to him, as of now, it doesn't make sense for kon to stick around and be his usual "weekend dad" if he's not willing to stay forever, and he's kind of resentful towards kon, because he always felt sorry for tim in this situation. not that he doesn't understand why exactly it's the way that it is, it's just that his philosophy on that matter is: if you can't stay forever, do not bother visiting us at all, and stop giving dad any hope for more. jackie's anxiety regarding his kryptonian powers also does not help at all, more on that later

(got carried away with this, sorry, i just had to take this opportunity to explain why there are twins in my timkon clone baby au)

so about the kids, wendy is a rebellious soul and free spirit, and her interests really show that about her — she's been horse riding since she was five, tim was a bit hesitant about it at first, but with damian's help they managed to convince him that everything is going to be okay; damian has also bought wendy her own horse, the one she's connected with in her equestrian club (damian is her favorite uncle ever since; she did not let him call her horse a "Bathourse", tho). aside from that she plays guitar just a little, tim's also tried to teach her piano but ended up failing miserably; he also wasn't able to pass on to her his music taste, wendy is almost strictly a pop girl. she's not really good at photography from professional point of view, but she almost always has her little digital camera with her to take snapshots of memories

(she's also really into true crime videos/podcasts, it's one of the activities that she likes to share with her dad; most times after a fight with tim, if she wants to make up or apologize, she just sneaks into his office and starts playing random true crime youtube video at full volume)

jackie doesn't really have a "main" interest or hobby, even though he's passionate about a lot of things, some of them include: art (because damian), sports (although he's not playing himself), cars (because tim), photography (once again, tim), also I'm pretty sure he's good at math — a little bit of this, a little bit of that, as he himself would say. it could create a major problem for him to choose between college programs if he hadn't already decided that he is going to inherit drake industries, so business it is. tim actually had a whole conversation with him, like, "are you SURE that's what you want," resulting in jackie just. shrugging his shoulders, because it's just about as good as any other choice; not that he has some big, special dream anyway. also i think that he probably skipped a class (wendy did not; she's not too excited about going to college)

speaking about jackie being scared of his powers, it's most likely the result of an accident/series of accidents from his childhood when he unwillingly hurt tim or demolished something during tantrums (he used to throw them a lot when he was younger); kon has offered his help at figuring out how to control it, of course, but if for wendy it was existing and she wanted to get even stronger and make more progress, for jackie it was always about keeping it at bay so to not hurt anyone else. he never really wanted to become a vigilante either, which is good enough for tim because he's worried enough about wendy rushing to the field; he's as close at being a civilian as you can possibly get while growing up with bats and having a kryptonian dad. mostly it's a relief for his family ("at least one of us is going to graduate college"), although wendy can't stop bugging him about joining in and being the coolest vigilante twins gotham has ever seen. it's a bit isolating for him, sure, considering that everyone in his family is a superhero of some sort, but with tim mostly being a stay at home dad and only managing comms every once in a while it turned out better than it could

it DID get long, and i start to lose the train of thoughts; nevertheless, i hope you'll enjoy this answer 💙 feel free to ask more about them, I'm always up to chatting about my babies

[cyn-if]

Wow when I read it for the first time I shuddered. From the first scene I could already imagine how it's painful. Wow. My poor poor MC 😭 nah, no ROs can have them. This poor little meowmeow did nothing wrong. Nuhuh. Never-ever. Gonna kill everyone that participated into shackling them or stayed aside and didn't help (looking at you, best friend) 🥰

*ok maybe I'll reconsider it about no-romance route... but MC gonna be super feral >:0

But fr your description of what torturous life (existence even, not a life tbh) MC had led is soo detailed. My jaw hurt while l read about all spikes and things.

Hmm if it's okay could you give us ROs reaction at MC that flinches every time they try to pat/hug/or just move their hand towards MC (maybe to hold MCs hand or just touch them). In the crushing stage 👀

I'm glad you found the writing compelling. I really was anxious about the tone/description of more darker themes because I find that I write a little too sarcastically sometimes. But I'm glad the darker themes are shining through that.

As for the reactions of the ROs at a flinch on first touch: (I've actually got a pretty good scene in mind for a really similar situation coming up in the book, so look forward to that as well as my little explanations!)

Everix would get so concerned about the MC's flinching. They'd instantly accept that the MC might need a lot more time to be comfortable with touch then a normal person, and do their best to respect that. In that moment, they'd probably (somewhat alarmingly) politely apologize and try to comfort the MC with words instead. Everix would, depending on how private the location the first time this occurs, try to play a little therapy with the MC, seeing if there is anything they could do to help the MC feel more at ease.

Hayes would be a little confused, being someone who enjoys touch greatly. The moment would probably linger a little awkwardly, with Hayes thinking over what happened before brushing it off. They wouldn't try to comfort the MC, but would apologize and drop the topic. Restraining themselves from trying to touch the MC, unless the MC initiates or asks. And probably failing at that as well, eventually they'd (in private) want to talk about what they can do to help the MC.

Sam would get irrationally angry, in their head at least. The MC and Sam had been very close (even in a platonic relationship) during their childhood and so seeing the MC flinch at their touch would piss Sam off, most likely being pissed at themself mainly. Sam would apologize, not try and pry or address the topic. But they'd then relentlessly "guard" the MC, if anyone tried to touch them Sam would warn them off. Not (just) because of possessiveness, but to protect them.

Quinn would try to gracefully pivot the situation to give the MC an out, if they didn't want to talk about it. However, if the MC is willing to talk about the topic, Quinn would be obviously curious about why the MC flinches, and would want to try to work with the MC to overcome their tocuhaverseness or at least address it. Depending on just how much Quinn likes the MC, she may even try to think of potential remedies for anxiety (think alchemical solutions to calm the MC down). She would tell the MC about her thoughts, very much trying to "solve" a problem.

Maverick is a unique case, because unless absolutely needed, at the crushing stage of a relationship, he would never dare touch the MC. In his case, I seem him observing someone else try to touch the Mc and noticing the flinch. He'd do his best in the moment to tell that person off, not angrily or violently mind you, but he would be there. Afterwards, depending on if the MC talks to him like friends would and not like a sovereign to a subject, he'd bring up the incident and try to better understand the MC.

[tmf-confessions]

I HAVE TO CONFESS IT. I HAVE TO SAY IT. GOSHDARNIT I HATE LANDER WITH EVERY BONE IN MY BODY- 😭😭😭

Okay, so, may get some slander for this but Let me explain myself first- Lander is literally the least developed, most emotionless relationship in tmf.

1. Its (pretty much) useless to the plot

Literally like, they’re supposed to be “super close”, they used to be childhood best friends and now they’re lovers! But like…When do we see that ever???

Lander was basically just an excuse to give luke some screentime, and to give zander some more screentime. I know that not everything has to be necessary to the plot of tmf, but in general, when things happen, especially in such a short series (less than 15 episodes in season 1), even filler content should somehow be able to push the plot forward, right? Apparently not, because Lander literally did nothing plot wise!

You could argue that yes, it did show Zander and luke that jake was a trustworthy, but theres so many other ways that he could have done it, without the whole lander arc, which could have arguably set up both characters for more interesting arcs?

Honestly, I feel like there could have been an arc where luke accepted stacy, and zander had to learn to deal with heartbreak, and it would still push the narrative in the same direction, could have had a lot more buildup too

2. It feels like it’s just there for representation

As a queer person myself, do not get me wrong, it is WONDERFUL to have representation within media, on bigger more popular shows too! I’m eternally grateful that rosy added them in to showcase a queer relationship, however, lander honestly feels like its just that. Like its there, JUST to showcase a real relationship.

Like, they had a cute confession moment, but it was so early on in the series that it genuinely didn’t seem like something that was built up to. Sure, we got a bit of time, but how much time was that? 2 episodes of build up tops? “Lovesick luke” and “a drummers confession” was like, literally it. Nothing beforehand to build up to it, besides the whole “Zander is gay” and “zander and luke are childhood best friends” thing, but those can exist within platonic relationships too, so thats not really buildup at all

We never get to see why they’re attracted to eachother, other than “wow, they’ve been friends for a while and admire eachother, they must have crushes on eachother” like- even as a person who is VERY VERY VERY romantically attracted (think opposite of aromantic, then scale it 20x past that), its just giving “boy and girl co-star on a show and end up together at the end because you cant have 2 friends be close without them being romantic,” but made queer.

Genuinely, if theres going to be a relationship, i think that (as much as i personally am not really a shipper of it) jailey is a WONDERFUL example.

They kind of grew on eachother, and we see that attraction growing slowly, rather than being shoved in our faces or being rushed. Its a well thought out love arc, and almost perfectly encapsulates a slowly formed relationship. even in such a short show, it didn’t feel rushed.

(While rereading this, i’m really notsure how to phrase my words, so these words absolutely do not reflect my ABSOLUTE feelings on this, but this is about as close as I can get with it. I am in absolutely no way accusing rosy of being homophobic, Infact i see quite the opposite in her, she’s a wonderful ally, its just meh writing)

3. Its honestly not the best ship? (This part is my opinion purely)

Dont get me wrong, they’re not toxic by any means, (infact, they seem quite healthy!) but they 100% have some issues they need to work on. Like… does no one notice how Luke like, threatened jake if he hurt zander? Obsession issues a tad bit, perchance?/notneg

Luke kinda exists to push zander’s story arc along in the first season, so we get like, no luke character traits, which i think definitely contributes to them not being the best pairing, but overall they’re so generically “mehh” of a relationship. They’re just kinda together, to be together.

4. FINAL REASON: It was just there to push jake’s story along.

Honestly, I think this is the underlying reason here. Jake is the main character in a really short show, so if somethings not revolved around him, its gotta be quick. Lander would definitely be so much better with more development, but because its not jake centred, we basically get nothing on them. This isnt rosy’s fault by any means, shes gotta get the main story in ofc, it just sucks that that seems to cost other characters screen time and development that could have been really nice.

Overall, Rosy please make more lander stuff in season 2, I need to stop hating it cause it could genuinely be so cute 🙏

confession #810

[idc-i-just-want-pokemon]

So i've been hyperfixating on ut aus again and reading @signanothername posts have been scratching that itch for the murder time trio and nightmare so

I did a thing.

I've been working on Cally in different AUs so I decided, fuck it, imma put my shitty fc in with the edgiest boys in the ut multiverse.

Basic rundown is the gang attack a timeline with a Cally in it, Horror sees them and because horror came from a timeline with a Cally he tries to act all cool and like he's their Sans. When Cally starts to notice the red eye, the axe, the kinda more mean spirited humour and the crack in the skull Horror hears his coworkers and is like "welp". So he throws Cally over his shoulder and decides the safest place they are is with him, he takes Cally all the way back to the meet up spot and all the while Cally sees people they know running in the opposite direction not being able to see what they're running from but knowing they are heading towards it with someone who is now a stranger to them forcing them towards it. yada yada everyone meets up and is like "tf" when they see Cally and Horror is all "hey they cant do nothin so no problem right? I want a hampter" Nightmare gets briefly pissy but seeing that Dust and Horror clearly have an attachment to the anomaly he like "wow blackmail? sweet" so he says fuck it and allows them to be taken back. So they do and Cally is shitting themselves as they do because they didn't even know Aus exist let alone that there were sanses who could teleport and have tentacles and they're still kinda hung up on the big crack in the head like didn't he have 1 HP how the fuck is he? why the fuck is he? When the fuck is he? when the fuck are they? Are they in a castle? Why a castle? What Sans would be so self involved to even want to have a fucking castle?

But yeah shit happens and Horror tries to take care of Cally when he's there but he is Horror so that basically amounts to letting Cally lean their head on his shoulder and making sure they're fed, Dust tries to avoid Cally and never looks them in the eyes, Killer is intrigued with Cally's relationships with the other Sans' but he figures Cally out as a person pretty quickly and gets bored with them, And when all the others aren't around visiting their AUs Nightmare uses Cally as either a punching bag for fun or basically a pet cat depending on the point in the story, when it comes to the others being around Nightmare will withhold Cally as punishment keeping Cally locked in a room on their own and not letting Horror or Dust know if their dead or alive. When Nightmare is feeling particularly bitchy or upset he'll fuck with Cally by saying shit like they specifically targeted their au for them or that everyone in their timeline doesn't even care anymore that they're gone and are even much happier or even that they aren't the first Cally they've done this to and if they jump out of that window right now then they'll just go to another Cally au and do the exact same thing they did to their timeline again.

Of course they're still the first, Nightmare doesn't care enough about the leverage it gives him over Horror and Dust to go out of his way to get another one if they die, besides it's a lot easier to keep feeding them Oran berries when they get down to 1 hp. He just likes to watch the little spark of indignation in their face die at the thought of being responsible for copies of their loved ones being hurt or killed because of them and their disposition become lifeless as they realise they're never getting out of there, never getting away from him.

SO YEAH THAT'S LIKE MY SHITTY BRAIN BARF HOPE YOU ATLEAST SEMI ENJOYED READING IT??

[loony-binz]

Midoriya Should've Stayed Quirkless.

So i haven't been active in the MHA fandom for quite some time, but nostalgia brought me back to it. And along my nostalgia-fueled binge I've noticed a lot more stuff narrative wise that i kinda wanted to talk about.

That being, of course, that Midoriya (i'll be calling him Deku since it's easier) should NEVER have gotten a quirk.

The narrative theme that MHA pushes (or wants to push i should say), is that "anyone can be a hero" which would be fine and dandy if Deku's entire existence didn't destroy that. What do I mean? I'll tell you.

Literally the very first thing we find out about the world is that quirks are given to 80% of the population, and that little 20% group of "quirkless" people are pretty much shat on in every way, as demonstrated by Bakugou and the entirety of Deku's flashbacks. He's seen as a failure and a wannabe, his mother breaks down sobbing after they get news of his lack of quirk, and he's in utter shambles as well. Despite being able to get into UA on grades alone, it's believed he'll never make it far, and that he simply doesn't have the means to do so. Sound familiar? It should if you're disabled.

Deku is disabled in an allegorical sense, and he honestly doesn't make a bad allegory. It can be interpreted as either physical disability, or neurodivergency due to the broadness of what "quirklessness" entails, along with his overall personality. Things seem to be looking up in this sense, and it would pretty intriguing to see how this kid with no powers makes it by in a school with superpowered kids. Or it would, I should say.

The entire allegory along with the theme completely falls in on itself because Deku, after receiving a speech about how "anyone can be a hero! Even quirkless kids like you!" Immediately becomes allegorically abled a couple scenes later. The entire message becomes completely void after this, as Deku loses pretty much what made his character interesting to begin with.

"But if he did stay quirkless, how would the story even progress?!" I hear you ask, and i can answer that.

See, I am of the opinion that the story would’ve been ten times more interesting had Deku never gotten a quirk. I mean- c’mon. We have Batman don’t we? Sure, we have plenty of characters with downright useless quirks that have made it into UA, so why wouldn’t Deku be the same?

Simple! Just have Deku be the first to join the hero class. A quirkless kid getting by on nothing but his brains and downright insane attunement with his surroundings? And maybe some gadgets from his buddies over at the gear classes? That sounds awesome as fuck! Not to mention nearly all of his relationships with the characters become way more interesting.

Bakugou instead of being threatened by his fantastic new power, instead is witnessing the kid who he bullied for years on end completely dominate any competition thrown his way, and grow his skills at an incredible rate. Not only does he feel threatened, but he’s being proven wrong. Quirkless kids can be heroes. And they can be better than him. Now who doesn’t love a good bully getting their just desserts? And in what is arguably far more satisfying and empowering than just, “Wow Deku has better powers than me”. It also makes his sports arc moment with Todoroki feel far more satisfying as well.

“It’s your power not his” feels strangely more impactful when you realize Deku had to get his “power” from the ground up. He used what he had to get by, despite everyone saying he was nothing. It’s not Bakugou’s, it’s not his parents, and it’s not Allmight’s, it’s his.

Speaking of Allmight, where would he even fit in all this nonsense? Well, who said he had to give Deku a quirk to be his mentor? It was already pre-established that Allmight was thinking of giving Mirio his quirk. If we could have Allmight have already given his quirk to Mirio, it would not only give us a foreshadow of his character, but also give Allmight a reason for Deku to not have his quirk. Allmight used to be quirkless himself, so seeing a little boy in a similar position to himself when he was younger, and wanting to give that kid the chance to prosper for who he is? Not only is that super sweet, but honestly makes Allmight look like a better person.

There were so many ways in which the story could continue as we see it with the omission of Deku’s quirk. And I’m my eyes, a far more satisfying and empowering story that keeps its narrative.

[yakuzacanons]

Wow you're literally the best thing to happen to this platform 🧎‍♀️

I would like to request an angst with fluff ending for Majima and reader 👀 Maybe something involving Makoto and jealousy? 👀

I'd say that it's not just one thing that instantaneously makes the reader break down. First, she notices the wistful look that Majima had when he first tells her about Makoto. Then it's the song that he sings at Karaoke that she just knows it's dedicated to her. And finally, it's when he comes back from Sotenbori acting distant and she immediately knows that something is up, causing her to just burst into tears, resigned and defeated. "Why am I even here?"

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR INCREDIBLE BRAIN TO BRRRR AGAIN

First of all bless u sweet anon, and second of all my brain is going so brrr that if I were to describe it I might explode and we cannot have that. Sorry it took so long to respond to this one, I had to let it simmer in da ol' brain for a bit cuz I have too many ideas for this. Gonna be a long one so sorry in advance but also I am not sorry cuz it's Majima babey! Headcanon below da cut as always. Spoilers for Yakuza 0 and 5.

Majima isn't exactly secretive but he is selective about what he says, especially when embarking into a romantic relationship. The last time he was romantically involved, it ended in a messy divorce. Generally, a lot of things in Majima's life have ended that way so he's delicate whenever he talks about his past.

In doing so, he doesn't realize he's making you feel alienated. Whenever you do ask about his past, it's obvious that he's tense. His answers get shorter, he changes the subject faster. Initially you didn't mind. You knew about his previous marriage, even if only in so few words because he's not one to dwell on that subject. But he never told you about Makoto.

You actually first hear about Makoto via Kiryu, who didn't mean to bring it up. Maybe Majima was just having a particularly bad day and Kiryu says something like "Last time I saw Majima-neesan that upset, it was..." before trailing off. Kiryu can't lie to save his life, and eventually he spills the beans, trying to keep it short by saying "Oh, it's this girl we both knew in the 80's." but it's too late. The secret's out now.

You're not mad that he kept this from you but you're a little surprised. The two of you never had trouble talking about past loves. Even if Majima didn't necessarily enjoy the topic, he was truthful. So why hide this? When you finally confront him with the question, he completely freezes.

He'll immediately deflect with a "How'd ya hear 'bout that?" but when he realizes he can't wiggle his way out of this one, he'll sigh and finally give you the truth. It hurts him that you didn't hear it from him first. Did he plan on telling you eventually? Maybe, probably, he thinks, but secretly he isn't entirely sure. If allowed, would he have left it all buried in the past?

Majima summarizes the events as best as he can without showing any particular feelings towards the matter, but you can see the faintest glimmer in his eyes, a kind you've never seen before. It's a nostalgic ache, both a yearning for what used to be and complete resignation to the fact he could never go back. Eventually you realize that pressing him further is only making him recoil, so you let it slide with a huffy breath. Still, you can't help but wonder what was so special about Makoto that he couldn't even tell YOU of all people that she even existed?

You had nearly forgotten these nagging feelings until you saw the way Majima sang "As Long As You're Happy" at karaoke a few nights later. There was that faint glimmer again. Secretly, Majima's also bugged by his own thoughts and feelings on the matter but neither of you know what to say, if there even IS anything to say, to fix this. He sings to air out these thoughts, not realizing how it looks to you.

You manage to keep it together until Majima leaves to Sotenbori for a work related trip. He'd done this before and it should've been fine but this time it was anything but. You spent nights staring at the ceiling, images of a younger Majima hand in hand with Makoto in the streets of Sotenbori. Him with that long hair you'd only seen in photos and that suit that he doesn't wear anymore. The version of him that Makoto knows and that you could never know.

When Majima finally returns from his trip late one night, you're still lying in bed, wide awake. Normally, he would wake you up immediately and smother you with kisses but instead he walks to the nearby window and lights a cigarette, not realizing you were awake just a few feet away. Majima leans against the windowsill, exhaling heavily, his eyes completely clouded. You'd never seen him like this before.

Before you know it, hot tears are pouring down your face. Was Makoto that big of a deal that he would be acting this, as if he were an entirely different person? Maybe he was, you feared. Maybe the real Majima was still locked away somewhere in an alley in Sotenbori, grasping Makoto close as they hide from thugs, his ever watchful eye fixated on her. The thought drowned you completely.

You hadn't realized it, but your whimpers had become audible. Majima snaps out of his stupor and turns to glance at you as you lay in bed with the blanket pulled nearly over your entire face and it finally clicks. "Ah, shit, shit..." he mutters to himself as he hastily puts out his cigarette. Sure, having to think about and let alone talk about Makoto was complicated for him but he'd gotten over it before and he could do it again. But you? In his daze, he'd forgotten to think about it might've affected you and that hurt him more than recollecting a dozen memories with Makoto ever would.

He rushes to the bed. "Oi, what gives?" Majima's voice is surprisingly docile. He can tell he's hurt you but how could he even begin to approach the issue? He couldn't lie and say Makoto DIDN'T matter to him at all but what could he actually say that would help?

He prods you again with the question, to which you sit up almost violently in bed, throwing the blanket down to Majima's surprise. Your eyes are red and your face is stained with tears. Even though just before you were trying to avoid his gaze, now you were staring straight into his soul. Majima just sits back nervously, eyes wide, as you let out an exasperated "Why am I even here?!".

Majima is stunned as he lets out a meek "Well, ain't it 'cuz we're a couple 'n all?" and immediately realizing how stupid he sounded. He was deflecting again, as he always did whenever Makoto was brought up. His statement only brings you further to tears as you blurt out the one thing you had been trying so desperately not to say: "Why the fuck am I here, Goro? Just to fill some Makoto shaped void in your life?"

Only now does he finally see the extent to which this has hurt you, to which it has driven between a wedge between the two of you. Immediately, he engulfs you in a hug as you cry. Majima knows he's no saint but damn if he could go back to when you first asked and make it all right, he would.

His gloved hands grip you tightly, his fingers pressing into your skin as you continue to sob, his mind flooded this time with memories of you: when you first met, when he first let his guard down around you, and when you accepted him so immediately and lovingly that he thought he was dreaming. How could he take all of that and turn it against you without a second thought?

When he finally speaks, his voice aches in a way you'd never heard before, his accent slipping slightly. "Hey... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... for hidin' this from you and... for only thinkin' 'bout myself. I thought I'd ruin all o' this by talkin' 'bout it... and turns out I'm ruining this instead by lettin' myself get so stuck in the past that I can't see what's right in goddamn frontta me."

Majima gently pulls you away as you sniffle in front of him. "Oi, look at me" he says as he gently lifts your chin. "My past... hell, all of me. Ya never once thought twice about stickin' by my side and I've been an ungrateful sonnova bitch. I know words can't make up for me bein' an oblivious ass, but I need ya to know this: my past, Makoto, all of it, knowing now it'd lead me here to ya, I wouldn't change a damn thing. And I'd go through it all again if it meant gettin' to be here with ya, here 'n now. None o' that matters to me anymore. You do."

You sniffle a few times before finally cracking a smile. "Ah, there we go. There's that cute lil' smile I love" Majima jokes as he pulls you in for a hug, this time smothering you in cuddles and kisses. "Hey, don't make me laugh, I'm supposed to be mad at you" you can't help but giggle. Majima kisses your forehead before laying down next to him, wiping away a few remnants of tears. "Sorry, can't help it. I just love seein' ya smile. Hell, I just love YOU."

[lillified]

I remember you saying earlier (on twitter,not here) that the autobots were kind of boring,since they only fit into a few archetypes. I’ve kind of been thinking about that, and I thought they may also have been boring because of another thing: these few personality types means no one really bounces off eachother, and it doesn’t lead up to any interesting conflict.

This may only apply to G1,or I may just be talking nonsense, but compare them to the decepticons. The decepticons have a lot of different personalities , so they contrast against eachother and a lot of the times,disagree with eachother,creating conflict. However, with the autobots, the similar personality problem can come when no sort of conflict,even ones between certain characters,exists, and everyone has no sort of unique opinions towards eachother. And conflict,you know,makes up a lot for a story and characters.

A lot of people don’t care much about the autobot moments a lot, however you don’t really need to scour the internet to see videos and people posting about Megatron arguing with Starscream or skywarp getting clowned by rumble and frenzy, if you know what I mean.

hey!! wow, it is always surprising when people remember stuff I said lol

I’m admittedly just not really a big autobot fan (if I get the opportunity to write the autobots they’d be very messy) but I totally agree with you here—people seem to like the autobots, conceptually, for very different reasons than people like the Decepticons, and it factors into an interesting dichotomy between how different people view characters as a literary device.

while it isn’t a rule by any means, I’ve noticed there are a lot of people who love certain autobots, but specifically like them in isolation. the idea of the character is more important than anything they’ve actually done. pretty much every autobot that exists has a fan, but they could have little, if any, screen presence. this isn’t bad, of course! in many cases, it’s extremely novel and sweet. that being said, I’ve noticed that even the most prominent autobots have this happen—Optimus Prime is more of a symbol than a character, and that separation is a source of comfort.

This also happens with Decepticons, but I’d argue it’s to a lesser extent? They tend to have much more defined and consistent character relationships, arcs, and themes. The decepticons who are viewed in isolation most frequently would probably be Soundwave and Autobot Megatron, which is interesting (I am honestly not a fan of the modern characterizations of either of these, but I totally understand why people are!), in that their interactions, story purposes, and even personalities are flattened to separate them from the underlying narrative. People love the idea of Soundwave, but fail to give it a personality.

Once again, I don’t think any of this is bad! Moreover, isolating characters from the existing narrative and putting them in different places according to where they might better suit a story is a very good thing, actually. I’ve never agreed with the pushback for iterative/adaptive media altering existing characters’ traits or personalities to suit their thematic purpose, because I think it takes away the agency and undermines the vision of the artist. obviously you can dislike certain characterizations (I do that often) but blaming a deviation from the norm is extremely reductive. Trying to stick to an idealized checklist of how a character ought to act instead of recognizing them as a reactive, dynamic story device is how you end up with flat, unchanging characters and a boring story.

To tie that back to what I like about the decepticons, I think the fact that they are so messy is their strength—they aren’t all just different skins on the same archetype, they’re unique thematic elements which adapt and serve a function in the story. You can make them physically and even archetypally unrecognizable, but as long as you utilize them as elements in the story and afford them the conflict and complexity they deserve, it’s much more difficult to go wrong.

thanks for reading, and thank you for the question!! I hope this all makes sense—I wiped myself out last night and I’m still recovering, so I apologize if this was incoherent lol

[basicallyaturtle]

I have, I think, a strange connection to parasocialness, not a unique one, there are probably a TON of people that feel this exact way but I've never seen it expressed and possibly others will see this and go OH YEAH TOTALLY

So the prototypical parasocial behavior is indicated basically either by A, feeling like someone is your friend who as no idea who you are, both because in 1 performing as a public person, especially an entertainer

(side note what if instead of youtuber or tiktok creator or any specifics, and in lieu of calling it content creation, because gross, or artist, because that's a broader term than is applicable, we called them intertainers for internet entertainers? this is totally not just because I keep misspelling entertainer)

there is incentive to come off as genuine in a way that invites parasocialness not because that's the goal, it's just easier to make an audience that way, and also because 2, if you are an intertainer for long enough, you end up sharing quite a lot of yourself (personal stories, preferences opinions etc) that makes it seem like you are putting your whole self on the internet, when really you are not

or B, feeling like you know enough about a person to conclude who they are, what they're like, that kind of thing, which is mostly due to the same causes as behavior A.

I feel like I emotionally do B a lot, not purposefully, mostly subconsciously and when I find myself feeling that way, or seeking to be that way, by looking up personal information about youtubers or getting invested in a relationship that is partially public (just to mean people know that it exists, not that it is a Public Relationship) or something like that, I take a moment to remind myself that it is not productive or healthy to do that, even if the intertainer in question wanted to know all of their fans, it is just logistically impossible once you get above like 40 people, so stop that. Sometimes I still indulge a little, like letting myself look up one or two things, but only if it's like something they've talked about and are fine with the public knowing, but I am careful about it, and on general principle I just try to not engage in this behavior for intertainers.

However, I find myself on occasion extremely consciously aware that I do not know said intertainer, and they know me even less, and seeing how they interact with other intertainers and think something to the extent of 'man it would be cool to get to know these people more, they seem like a fun group to hang out with' This is one step removed from the parasocial behavior mentioned above, because it is basically going yeah I see them parasocially, it might be neat to be actually just social with them. Like, I find myself thinking that it would be cool to like accidentally stumble upon one of these people and form a friendship with them. This does happen, especially within the intertainer space, where you can be a fan of someone and then end up collaborating with them and becoming friends, but it is definitely not the norm, especially when one of the people (me) is not an intertainer. This also isn't really in the way of oh man I'm such a huge fan and if I met them that would be craaazy, just these people seem like a fun group to hang out with, wish I could get to know them better.

Now this is still extremely parasocial, I still look at the facades that intertainers put up and think wow what a cool person wish I could know more about them and get acquainted with them. I think this is even more nefarious (meaning like, it can infiltrate the mind without one noticing not that the people that feel this are nefarious), since as detailed, I see it as one step removed from the prototypical parasocial behavior even though it's like still really presumptive of the nature of how people present themselves online. It's also, for me at least, harder to write off. Like I know it's parasocial, but unlike with the other behavior where I go stop being like that, it's not healthy, and then stop, I find it difficult to get rid of this latter feeling. Like if an intertainer says they're going to a convention I think oh that would be the perfect opportunity to bump into them. I immediately say to myself no that's a bad idea and kind of stalkerish, and I've never even gone to a con and there's none ever near me so that's not even like something I'd do, but the thought of wanting to do that, and that it could work lingers in my mind in a way the other kind of stuff doesn't, possible because I don't want to see it as parasocial, and it feels more disconnected from the idea, despite it still being so. In that case, strangely, if I was just a huge fan and wanted to meet them, then that would be a normal thing to do at a con, and I am being MORE parasocial by having this idea that I could 'accidentally' meet them and befriend them.

I also specifically have this thought of 'oh I'd be super causual about it' Like if I saw a person I was a fan of on the street I would just be like oh shit it's you love your work because that seems like the thing to do, not freak out. Or if I coincidentally (and I actually mean coincidentally here, not like the 'accidental' of the other thought) were to like move in close to someone I was a fan of, ti would be cool to see them around, and it would be neat to try to get to know them more. and this is a particular weird part to me.

Wanting to get to know, or even befriend, neighbors is a normal thing to do. I would like to become friends with neighbors, so I have people that live near me I am friends with, and also just because having friends is nice. I don't do that now with neighbors because I'm a shut in grad student but that's besides the point at the moment.

If I was neighbors with an intertainer that I enjoyed, and I wanted to become friends, or at least acquainted, with them, then that would be parasocial, because even in recognizing I do not know very much about them, I would still be entering the sphere of communication on uneven ground because I would know way more about them than they knew me, the same issue as before. I think even if I tried to like forget about their work entirely, or create like a distinction between the intertainer and the person, the parasociality would still creep in inevitably. And if I just pretended to not know about it to them specifically, like ask what they do and be all coy like oh I don't really use youtube or whatever, then that would be worse in a way due to the deception, and on examining what would happen if it became known that I did know their work, they would feel a little scandalized, rightfully. Also if I got to know them, then tried to interact with them as a fan of their work, then it would be overly familiar, like it would be unfair to any other fan that I got to do this. I sometimes also feel this way when I interact publicly with irl friends that have, not a following, but people that they don't know that enjoy their work, like I'm being overly familiar with them in this public setting, that's kind of strange even though we are actually friends because it looks like I'm being insanely parasocial or that it's unfair that this person can talk to you like this but people they don't' know can't. (This also verges on the 'you can be jokingly rude to friends but try doing that on anon asks and you're just a dick because yeah you don't know that person or 'egg discourse' where constantly badgering a public person about their gender identity is different from nudging at a close friend in a jocular manner, both of which are kind of landmines and I don't want to touch anymore because that's not really what this is about for me)

That is all also more of an emotional feeling than one I think is actually based on some truth, and may be a reflection of how I would feel if I learned that someone 'got' to do that that wasn't me (I am also aware that that sounds kind of deranged, but I mean that I would feel this in a kind of knee jerk response, not to say that that isn't my feeling, but I recognize that it is unreasonable)

I also would be more motivated to get to know an intertainer that I share a neighborhood with than a generic neighbor, which is certainly parasocial, but could also partly due to the fact that a generic neighbor also includes plenty of people I just wouldn't get along with, so in having them be an intertainer I know, I would at least know that I would get along with them-- Accept it I wouldn't! I just caught that as I was typing actually. just because I like an intertainer's material does not mean I would necessarily get along with them, and is even less indicative of how they would find my personality, so in saying that I am still being parasocial.

I don't know what I would do in that situation of I'm being honest, realistically continue to be a shut in and just know I have someone I 'know' online as a neighbor, but just thinking about it happening, or 'fantasizing' (not that per se, but just kind of thinking it'd be neat if that happened, maybe idealizing) about it is still parasocial.

Actually I had an opportunity to do this kind of. There's a youtuber who made videos about going to undergrad where I am currently doing my PhD, and he's involved with some of the programs that the department at a lab attached to the university does, so he's around, though not on campus, at that lab, for a few weeks in the summer, and what I do, while not related to that subject, is tangentially connected, just because they're both ultimately about nuclei and shit. I have a friends who is a fan of his, as am I somewhat, and he joined the program, not to meet the guy, but because his research is in that subject so it made sense, but in getting to meet him, my friend was telling me about how nervous he was to meet and first, and it was really awesome to get to work with him. And I couldn't not think that if I met him I simply would not be like that. There was a vague sense of superiority that I knew was unfounded, but I thought like pfft I would just be casual and could become friends with him. I didn't end up going to the lab most of the summer, so I never met him, and I never felt inclined to go there just to meet him, but I had this sense of my friend is being weird I would be so normal. But as with the convention thing, it is arguably more parasocial to try to play it cool and get to know them more rather than just be a fan, though different in this case, because my friend was basically working with him, and while he was initially like woah guy I'm a fan of he wasn't like actually off putting or like being a super fan obsessive kind of guy anything. But yeah all my feelings surrounding that situation were actually stranger, I think, than just being a fan.

This is also more complex on tumblr I think, since a lot of blogs are just like things the person finds interesting, and often there really isn't that facade, at least not in a purposeful way. Sending asking, directly reblogging and tagging posts, likes being visible, it kind of leans into the feeling of yeah this is a person you can be friends with if you just try hard enough. Sometimes this is true! people make mutuals in this way, they follow each other, then come to know each other better, sharing other contacts, dming, @'ing, you can become actual online friends with people on tumblr in a way that I think is harder on any other platform (though I'm only on youtube and tumblr so if there's other social media platforms like that then my b, I saw that post where someone was dating on quora so I guess anything is possible). There's more to this as well, like being mutuals on tumblr can also just be a blog thing, not necessarily a friend thing, or you can have friends that only follow you or you only follow them because either blog does not have stuff on it actually interesting to the other. Anyway, all that to say, it's really easy to be parasocial on tumblr, and also easier to actually be friends on tumblr, but that's a side thing, I'm mostly interested in parasociality as a youtube phenomenon, which is where I experience it.

All that also to say that thoughtcrime isn't really a thing and if I'm not being a creep or doing anything harmful or anything like that then like who cares, but I find categorizing which thoughts are useful/productive and which are harmful/unproductive and other categories and try to cultivate a mindscape that is healthy to the best of my ability (though mental illness definitely does not help with that) and I noticed a strange pattern of parasociality that I haven't heard before, and maybe has been left behind in the popular conception of it, or else discussions of it are happening and I just haven't seen it, or that I'm the only one to feel exactly this way (that seems unlikely though given the number of people that are)

[lowcallyfruity]

you should tell me some things about sebepel like headcannons!! If it’s not a bother of an ask, I’d like to know the ship more :3

HIII ANON HIII OMG I GOT THIS ASK AND STARTED GOING INSANE I LOVE SEBEPEL ARHFHFHFHFFBFBFB

UM!!! So!!! Me personally!!! If you want some Sebepel content Epels school uniform vignette is a good place to start!! It’s soooo cute <3 like EEKSIES <3 it drives me insane when I read it be because it’s SO sweet and ARYRUFFHFHHFHFUFUFH. then there’s the Harveston event!!! It’s Sebepel central!!! GRGRGRGRGR they’re so cute in the event!!!

OKAY. So. I’m probably gonna post my sebepel hcs tommorow or like. In the next few days (I just need to figure out how to format it) BUT ILL GIVE YOU SOME OF MY HCS FROM IT TEEHEE <3333

Sebek calls Epel by his name often instead of human. He calls him human sometimes but not as much as the others. People start noticing this and go “huh. Strange”

Sebek loves talking about his lovely boyfriend who is the coolest guy to ever exist!!! (He might even surpass Malleus. Sebek is very conflicted) boasting about how amazing and strong he is for a human!!! How he’s very talented and skillfull.

Epel starts speaking less formally with Sebek and occasionally going full blown with his Dialect. Sebek wants to learn more of Epel’s dialect. And Epel gladly teaches him. ARGHHHH Sebek loves Epel’s accent so much.

UGH I HAVE THIS WHOLE THING WHERE LIKE. EPEL IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY SEBEKS HATRED FOR HUMANS STARTS CHIPPING AWAY SLOWLY. LIKE “wow. This human is so very cool. Wow. He’s so talented and amazing. Wow” AND IS LIKE ONE OF THE FEW HUMANS HE TREATS WITH RESPECT AND NICELY AND ARHFGHGHFHF BUT IT DRIVES HIM INSNAE BE AUSE “HOW COULD HE FEEL THIS WAY FOR A HUMAN?!??” AND HES SO CONFLICTED AND ARGHHHH AND WHEN SEBEK FINALLY GETS OVER HIS HATRED FOR HUMANS HE CAN FINALLY LOVE EPEL TO THE FULLEST AND WITHOUT SHAME AND CAN START TO PROCESS HIS FEELINGS AND AHRBFHFDHJDJDJSJSJSJSJSHS AND EPEL IS JUST SO KIND AND CARING AND UNDERSTANDING AND ARFHHFHFJFNFNFBFJ

Also not a hc I think? But one of the reasons why I love sebepel so much bc I think Epel is one of the few characters that doesn’t treat Sebek like shit (at least from what I remember???)

When it comes to Sebek, I think a lot characters are like “ugh! Sebek is so annoying I hope he DIES” (okay I’m being dramatic but they don’t like him and they tend to express that) but I’ve never seen that with Epel? Epel doesn’t say anything bad about Sebek (from what I remember) he’s always pretty neutral when it comes to Sebek and doesn’t really talk bad about him the way others do. He’s kinda just like “oh. That’s Sebek. He is. Talking about malleus.” Maybe even sometimes like “he’s a bit strange but whatever :)” AND THATS JUST SOOOO ARHFHFHHFHFHF TO ME LIKE SAUSUDHDHJSAISUHSHSJ SOBBING CRYING

Okay so this is where I start yapping EVEN MORE. Basically I just talk about how I personally view their relationship and what it would be like pre-relationship and during relationship. I’m putting this here bc it’s long and I don’t want to make anyone feel obligated to read all of this.

UGH SORRY I JUST TALK SO MUCH. I didn’t mean to make it this long but I just love them SO MUCH. To me they’re a very loving and caring relationship…. Who help each other grow and just care about each-other so much. They’re both so patient with eachother and AUFHFHFJFFH WHICH LIKE MEANS SO MUXH TO ME BC LIKE. Sebek is neurodivergent and Epel isn’t but even still I like to think that Epel tries so very hard to make Sebek happy and like let him know he’s cared for and loved. And It’s just ifhhhh I could talk about them and how they handle Sebeks neurodivergence forever but I won’t 😭😭😭

BUT EVEN WITH ALL OF THEIR WHOLESOME PATIENCE AND I GUESS “MATURITY” THEYRE STILL JUST SILLY TEENS AND YEAH AUGHGHFH. They are SUCH a power couple to me!!!! Like “hell yeah that’s my bf!!!!” And they get so super silly together!!!! They goof around and act ‘cringey’ and hype each other up!!!!

Idk in my head it’s just. They make it work. They are overall healthy to me and hehehe they’re the couple that stays together forever after highschool and everyone is like “WHAT?!?!??” But also not surprised (especially those close to them they’re like “yeah ofc”

I was trying to think of situations that like. That would be angsty or like. Smth. But. I really can’t see it with them? I can’t see them having like. Big serious fights. Maybe like silly play fights that get taken a bit seriously and end up hurting eachother, but, I also think they can end up solving those,, maybe a bit quick? Idk they just seem like the type to understand eachother. Or at least try their best.

Hmmm I think I guess sometimes they have moments when they don’t see eye to eye and they are stubborn and don’t agree,,,,, but again. I think they can get solved easily….

Like idk I guess I see them more having bursts of like “idk man :/“ but they easily go back to like “oh it’s okay :)”

I think on Sebek’s part there is insecurity that Epel will stop loving him because he finally has someone that CARES about him. That pays ATTENTION to him. And he’s so scared of losing that. He’s scared to be annoying he’s scared to be loud he’s scared to talk so much because he doesn’t want to lose Epel. That’s his friend. And eventually his boyfriend. He doesn’t want to lose this person that finally actually SEES him.

But, Epel is always there to reassure him that he will ALWAYS love him. He will always be there for him. Epel will always be there to support Sebek,,, and Epel is willing to learn ways to make him happy and comfortable. Epel will be patient….. and he will listen…..

OH NY GOD THIS ID GETTING SO LONG BUT SIGH OKAY.

I think pre-relationship, Sebek would be nice to Epel!! Bc like!! Wow!! This is such a cool guy!!! And Epel would be like “huh. Weird” at first because like “I don’t think Sebek is like this? People tell me things that don’t match this at all????” So he finds it strange at first. But eventually grow to like it (for a lack of a better word ig) and finds it endearing. He thinks it’s cool!! I mean Sebek is a nice guy!! He’s glad he can learn about him and hang out!!!

AUGH IDK I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH I COULD TALK ANOUT THEM PRE- RELATIONSHIP AND HOW THEY BOTH VIEW EACH OTHER AND DEVELOP THEIR RELATIONSHIP SHIP FOREVER. LIKE UAH. THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME OKAY?????????

IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING LONG. THIS GENUINELY WASNT MEANT TO BE THIS LONG- I GOT SO CARRIED AWAY 😭😭😭😭😭 AOUGH I JUST STARTED TALKING BC SUHDDHDJDJSJJSJSJZJZKSJZ DRIVES ME INSANE.

YOU JUST ASKED FOR SOME THINGS AND I GAVE YOU A WHOLE ESSAY HELP

UGH. They’re just stupid teens what more can I say 😭 they’re so dorky and gay for each other your honor 😢 they drive everyone insane 😢😢😢😢

[feynavaley]

My life is a comedy.

I'm on a business trip with my superior, so I've been spending a lot of time with her even outside of work hours. Today, during a casual conversation, I let slip that I have a huge crush on that other coworker I've written about in the past.

To be perfectly honest, I thought everyone knew by now. The women, at least. I've been doing my best to be subtle, of course, but I've been on the other side as well and I know -- hiding something like this is impossible. Even if you don't do anything in particular to make it obvious, there's the way your eyes literally shine when you look at that person, the adoring expression, how you blush and/or stutter when you interact... Every person is different in how they react to this, of course, but from the outside, you can tell when there's such a strong interest.

...except apparently, I've been doing a much better job at hiding my feelings that I thought for my superior was flabbergasted.

Her first reaction was a gasp, followed by, "You're jocking, right? You must be jocking!"

Feeling rather foolish at that point, but thinking I was too far in to back down, I assured her that no, unfortunately, I wasn't jocking. Nevertheless, I'm definitely able to keep up a professional relationship and pretend my feelings don't exist.

Turns out that wasn't what my superior was concerned about. Apparently, what everyone has been noticing and commenting about behind my back is that he is completely smitten with me. He has never explicitly denied when confronted about it, either, just veered the conversation to a different topic. Which -- is not a denial.

Not to mention, it would be completely understandable if he didn't want to make a move without knowing how I felt about it -- after all, I'm much younger than he is and he's also technically one of my superiors, even though I'm not directly under him. Being the sensible person he is, he is aware the situation would be quite uncomfortable for me if I didn't reciprocate his interest.

...but I do. And I can't believe this is happening, but it is. I don't know if this will turn into anything concrete, still... Wow. Moreover, my superior is absolutely thrilled about this and she said that as soon as we're back, she'll make sure he somehow gets the input he can make a move.

[the-ultimate-tree]

My initial thoughts on side order

(Written pretty much as soon as I finished it. So don't expect these thoughts to be super coherent and/or accurate)

Putting in a "read more" here because WOW did this thing get long.

Before we start, I have only finished the main story of Side Order so far, because I've been playing it all day. If I tried to get any closer to 100% completion than I currently am, I'll be here all night as well.

It was very fun to play (so fun that I spent all day playing it, as previously mentioned). I think that a part of that is down to how different it is from the three Hero Modes, and from Octo Expansion. Going up the tower was never too frustrating (which may be partly becasue I am primarily a shooter/dualies main, ie the two palettes you get first if I'm not mistaken) but it was difficult at times. Which is good! There weren't too many floors, but there weren't too little either. And I really enjoyed the colour palette system. It was very fun how you just gradually get higher and higher in strength, but you almost don't notice it as you're going because youre almost always only getting one pallette chip at a time. (Also I like being overpowered, which was the case in the bonus levels with chip saturation, which were my favourite levels). I also liked the variety and randomness in the levels a lot, and their gradual difficulty increase. Maybe I should play more roguelites. The danger stages were very fun as well, and the ones with the lights out were genuinly quite creepy. They also added even more variety than the gameplay already had, as you couldn't predict when they'd show up.

I was a massive fan of almost everything about the Jelletons. Primarily the fact that their existance meant NO MORE OCTARIANS. Not that I dont like Octarians, I just think we've been fighting against them for far too long. I also really liked the Jelleton's general apperance and skeleton fish theme, and the jelly part. They looked really cool. The main thing I don't really like that much about them is the lack of explaination about what they actually are. I know we can kind of explain it away with "ohh simulation blah blah blah" but still. It bugs me.

The story is quite a different beast all together. It was pretty good. I l liked the insight we got on things such as Pearl and Marina's relationship (it all but confirmed Pearlina as canon in my eyes). The only problem was that it didnt entirely make sense. What the fuck was order's deal. How did it even get there. I was just. Confused. And my confusion wasn't really helped by the final boss, and the aftermath of said boss, like... is it an octoling of some kind? I just don't know. Maybe it's revealed in the post game somehow. It was cool, dont get me wrong, but... why was it there exactly? Why was it the antagonist, especially when the Telephone is right there. I know it was implied to have died at the end of octo expansion, but we didn't exactly see it die. It just kind of faded out into light, and we never saw it again. It was also on the side of order in the FinalFest of Splatoon 2. Having the Telephone as the antagonist would especially make sense because of the original purpose of the Memverse, that being, to unsanitise the sanitised Octolings (and other creatures). It stands to reason that if the Telephone had found out about it, it would be more than a little bit angry, seeing as it is the one that sanitised all those octolings in the first place. I thought the telephone would make sense as the villain even before I found out about the existance of order (not that much before mind you, it was during the boss fight against marina, because the stuff that was holding her was turquoise and looked a little like sanisised ink, because of the colour). Also, the whole plot to take away the free will of the people of the world using the program that was meant to save them from sanitisation does feel like something the Telephone would do. At least it feels like that to me. Maybe it would just want to resanitise them, I dont know.

The boss fight against Marina and the section leading up to it was my favourite part of Side Order. There were so many unknowns at that point! Like who was doing this, what did they want, what had happened to Marina, etc etc etc. And in the part leading up to the fight against her, those unknowns kind of came to a head, and I was wondering what would happen after the boss fight, because surely this couldn't be the end? It was not the end. I quite like how both of the Splatoon 3 storylines have sort of "false starts" before the story really begins. Hero Mode had it and now Side Order has it too. It's a shame that Splatoon 3 has seemingly exchanged the story making sense for cool openings. At least both Splatoon 3 Hero Mode and Side Order are very fun to play. Also Ahato was there! (Or Acht or Dedf1sh if you'd prefer to call them that, I'm just used to calling them Ahato). They are my favourite character in Splatoon, and have been since I found out they existed, which was in the days of the Octo Expansion.

i was very much a fan of the whole colour thing, with saturated colour v greyscaling. i really liked the visuals of it, and how the saturation of the colour kind of represented power and free will and stuff like that. Just the visuals of the game in general were exellent.

A very minor thing, but I like how Side Order pretty much confirmed that coloured fingertips is a thing that Octolings get with age, since Agent 8 in the Octo Expansion didn't have them, and they do have them now in Side Order.

Thank you very much if you read this far! I hope you enjoyed reading my extremely rambly thoughts. I might make another post if I have more Side Order related thoughts and/or when I finish the post game.

[oh-bonerline]

I think there might have been a weird, unfortunate, subconscious fault that fell to Waughy ie Ross’s mental health/not seeing his friends. Like obviously it was the pandemic’s fault, obviously Waughy had NO ill intent, but the way Ross described himself seeing everyone & the way John described how happy he was too, along with the subsequent arguments (in a Matty-is-your-ex manifestation), I can’t help but think there was some small part of Ross that (not actively) blamed Waughy for being away from them. I’m not sure if that even makes sense because I don’t think it was THAT serious, & I don’t even think you did it on purpose, but it was just a thought I had while reading. The pandemic taking a toll, and it’s all John all the time, and then getting a chance to remember all the More he has in his life and things start going south…like a worldwide example of the struggle they always had aka not being able to (or Ross not wanting to) exist in the real world.

Which as I was typing just reminded me of another thing; the way Raughy do all this role play & Moss never do. Raughy always reinventing themselves in intimate ways, Moss always being themselves in those same intimate moments. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, maybe just something in the middle. It’s a dichotomy I noticed awhile ago & I don’t think anyone’s brought it up so I wanted to call it out. A really concrete *Matty voice* juxtaposition of the way the two different relationships work that hurts me so good.

Ooooh this first point is interesting. I think you're right. I don't know if Ross would ever be able to recognize it, but I think there's definitely a certain guilt he feels when he starts spending time with Matty as a friend again because he knows parts of that upset John. I can see that shifting over time into blame and resentment. Which I think John, who is a lot more perceptive about these things, ultimately realizes himself by the end of the chapter. They can either have each other and no one else or they can have all their friends and not each other.

And I'm so glad you've pointed out this second thing. It's something I've not so subtly been trying to illustrate with John and Ross. I think there's still authenticity when John and Ross role play, like they're still themselves at the heart of it, but they are trying to re-contextualize their relationship. I don't think it's good or bad either. It's just how they work together.

Matty and Ross, on the other hand, are most of the time right there in the present moment with each other when they fuck. Even when they're off in their weird sex realm and, like, spitting in each other's mouths or whatever, they're still Matty and Ross. I think the closest they ever come to role play is some of Matty's gender stuff but that's still just an extension of Matty's authentic self really. And there was one time they pretended to be their teenage selves, but it was less of an alternate universe sort of thing and more of a 'wow we really should have been doing this when we were teens' sort of thing.

Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts!!

[diariesof-kg]

Straight Facts.

2024_20_07

The conscious mind can be overpowered by the subconscious mind.

I am proud of myself for not speaking about how I truly felt these last two days. But also I realized it's suppressing my emotions and I need a place to release. I feel like I change too many therapists. Not literally, but I do make progress and then I no longer need it. My way of coping is, expressing things out loud as if they are trapped in my mind and need to be released.

Before I begin explaining yesterdays events. I also note the fact that I always consider my partners feelings. That's how the relationship tends to last. I say that, because in every relationship I have been in except one, each individual always does something to hurt my feelings and never consider my feelings. I think a therapist will have a clinical explanation for that.

What is so powerful is the mind. And for a moment I said we had a great weekend, no arguments or disagreements and then this happens. The true question is, why no one praises me, when I do things but crucify me when I don't do what I have been doing all along. What is so ironic about this and what I was about to say yesterday but held my tongue. Even though it was never said to her so how could she have known, is the fact that, what I did yesterday she did it to me last year. My actions were not intentional yesterday. It was a crazy day at work, like can I even vent about work things?

She has an issue because she felt like I forgot about her, because I woke up in the morning and drove to work. Started working, then co-workers start talking to me, about yesterdays drama at work and I post on Instagram a few times, go back to the drama, then work again. I didn't text her first before doing anything else. At this point of the conversation, I tried to explain my reasoning and reassure that was not the case. Then the interrogation begins. I always advise people not to do that. At some point and when I did therapy, if you explain yourself and your partner continues to question you to no end, and you begin to feel a certain way, then end the conversation. There is no means to an end when a million questions are presented. That's what abusers do, they question and question you until they break you down and you admit to something you never did. So for me, I was with someone like that years ago and had to go through therapy to get out and was taught communication skills while in a relationships. I don't want that for this relationship at all. I am here to be understanding but I also don't deserve to be treated as if I continue to do this to you constantly.

Back story on how this all correlates. This is the millionth reason why, I say my partner never put me first. There were moments, right after we got into a relationship and in between the moments where Candy Cane existed. I remember being active on Instagram and I would see she liked two hours ago and then text me whenever. And I told one of my bff and screenshotted it, like this is weird. I never mentioned it, because it was a lot going on and the Candy Cane thing was already in effect. Even at this time, I texted her first everyday and after the Candy Cane incident, I remember telling my best friend I am going to stop doing it, at which I did. I did it occasionally, but she didn't notice. I mean why would you notice a change like that, when you are still engaging with a ex-fkc buddy. So when I say I was never put first and she replies that she did, it's like pulling out a million reasons why she didn't. She will never understand that statement and will never take that moment to admit, "you know I realized I didn't put you first..." I also remember, thinking at that time I would text her before I started work, and she would reply hours later. Or I wouldn't text first and she would take forever to text. And I remember that feeling too, I was like wow she starts work at a certain and doesn't text me when she first wakes up & how I figured this, is by asking questions. I ask questions that are unrelated at that moment, because I already know i am piecing together a case. I did ask her about what she does in the morning and she said, she wakes up and be on social media and as a Capricorn that's all I needed. And at first it hurt because I was like damn, I text you first everyday excited and when I don't text you first, you on social media. My other blog mentioned this as well. I use to say to damn, she don't think about me first.

So, unintentionally I didn't text her first and this is what happens. The universe I believe is unfortunately giving her a taste of her own medicine. Mind you I been texting her all this week, which I had to remind her at which she replies "what's changed?" Like, nothings changed, I got busy. Any answer isn't good enough. I even said, I will be sure to text you first every morning and won't lack again. Not good enough. Turn around and tells me, "now it feels like you doing something you don't wanna do..." How? If i was already doing it? It's like going in circles. Then my bff called about todays events and what we doing with the children, if anything. I was suppose to be off at 12pm, but he input it into the system for 1:00pm so I took a "30 min lunch" but I didn't take a lunch I just killed time and my co-workers were asking me questions. She said I said I would call her at lunch, for the first time, since my brain laps a lot. I know I did not say that. On my break, she wanted to know what my statement is, and I refused to tell then she asked me when I was getting off and I did not say, then she said she was coming to my job, Lol. Never said I would call back on my lunch, I just said I will call her back. I remember that clearly.

cont'd: Diane calls and we gets to talking and then I put my phone to my side when my co-workers come up to ask me something or I walk away, now she called and I missed it and she wrote "okay" When I checked my phone and saw the okay, I replied, "hold on..." so I hang up with Diane, because the drama at work had gone left, Lol. It's really not that deep, but I can't speak on it, so there's that. Had my brain going left to right. I called her back and it was clear she felt some way. Now I understood how she felt, and when she asked me questions, I responded until I got to a point, where I am like, I am not doing this. The most dangerous thing about me, is when I laugh. I am not laughing in a hilarious, funny mood, it's literally, the laugh of how ironic the situation is and also, I noted things and you have no idea. But the question that was real life not cute, she looked me dead in my face and goes, "who were you on the phone with?" and I said, Diane, then I guess she couldn't hear and she thought I said someone else's name. I repeated it, Diane and she paused like she shouldn't have asked and like she was wrong for assuming otherwise. That's a no no for me in my book. Asking me who I was on the phone with as if I be chatting with random ppl, I don't like that. I really don't, you can feel how you feel but coming at me like that, is an absolute turn off. Also, she said, she wants to be babied or something like that then turned around and said eventually you will get there. That was a turn off as well. I am not an animal that you are trying to train to adapt to your emotions. I never had someone tell me that, Lol. I seriously need to go ahead and click book an appointment for this therapist. Because I have concerns and for the sake of my mental health.

You know what is sad though, when i was going through it and had to deal with the candy cane stuff and it hurt, she always told me "i don't know what to do...or how to fix it." And here I am every time she feels some way, I find a way to fix it and acknowledge I was wrong and reassure to do better, but I never got that. When I cried after she told me she wanted to spend more time with Candy cane and she said I don't know how to fix it but I can reassure you, then turn around and texted her behind my back for weeks, like -- where was the reassurance at. It's a lesson learn, yes the past still haunts me, because for a Capricorn when we cry and tell you how we feel and you throw your hands up, it's like saying a lot but nothing at all.

She calls me sneaky and that's another time for another blog.

I will end this blog with overall thoughts: I understand people's feelings that's why its easy for me to change or adapt to make their feelings matter over mines, but throughout time, I am still questioning why in my relationships, I can never be understood. I understand people can't be who you are. But also felt or thought, feelings and emotions are universal and if people use the statements, "i want people to treat me how I treat them." then why isn't that genuinely implemented. I question all the time, when I get in relationships why people mistreat me and here I am from the start giving them the world. I replay almost once a day, "i wanted to spend more time with her..." and I was really an option even though I was in a relationship already. I often question, why people don't choose me. But then realized that you can't seek others to choose you, you choose yourself always. Someone said to me, you should have played the song, "you should've cheated." Lol, because unfortunately, people get into relationships, but will continue to speak to their exs behind my back, meanwhile I am giving them everything. That's crazy.