#a good solid romp

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon: Horror Express

The first thing I realized when beginning this movie was that my ongoing watch party is now a bit of a misnomer, because this is NOT actually a Hammer production. But B-Grade-Horror-Flicks-of-a-Particular-Sort-of-Gothic-Style-from-the-50s-to-70s-a-thon just doesn't quite roll off the tongue like Hammer Horror-a-thon, and I feel like, despite now not watching a Hammer production, the vibes are still correct. So I'm sticking with the name.

The second thing I noticed almost immediately while watching the (frankly sort of sleek) credits is that the entire production team seemed to be Spanish. Turns out that this was a joint British and Spanish venture, produced by Granada Films out of Spain, and Benmar Productions out of Britain, which seemed to be making mostly B horror flicks. And it turns out that this film very nearly didn't get made, because Peter Cushing's wife died shortly before filming was set to begin in Madrid, and he was really struggling and wanted to back out of the film. It was only when Christopher Lee, who was one of his closet friends, stepped in to fill one of the other lead roles (mostly in a bid to support Cushing through the filming) that Cushing decided to go ahead with filming. Which is both incredibly tragic and incredibly wonderful. Get a friend for yourself like Christopher Lee was for Peter Cushing.

The somewhat sombre background of the filming of this particular entry into my viewing experience now explained in greater detail, let's get on to the movie itself.

We begin with a delightfully mustachioed Christopher Lee as Prof. Alexander Saxton, a British academic on a wintry expedition to Mongolia in 1908. His narration puts one in mind of something like 'The Mountains of Madness' by Lovecraft, though I doubt we're going to get quite so cosmic or esoteric in this film, but who knows?

Also, whoever decided that they needed this horror film to be narrated right off the bat by Christopher Lee needs a raise. The man just had one of the best voices.

While exploring some caves while wearing the largest and fluffiest of hats, Saxton stumbles on the frozen body of ... a person?? An ape?? it's fairly decomposed along with being frozen; just the level of still-sort-of-fleshy that precludes looking at a skull and being certain it's human. And also this is a B horror flick from the 1970s, so perfect fidelity with what a decomposed body actually looks like is probably not to be expected.

Although, that being said? One of the better corpses in a state of moderate to advanced decomposition that I've seen in a cheap horror film. I think someone on the production staff actually did some research, and I commend that level of attention to detail.

Human? Ape? Alien??? Who knows!

Anyway, a spot of good old British Empire bodysnatching later, and Prof. Saxton has acquired himself one decomposing body. Why does he want it? We're not sure, but he sure doesn't want it going anywhere, because that thing is in a heavy box with an even heavier lock and chain.

Flash forward to Peking (I think? The only copy of this movie I could find is the Spanish version, so all title cards are in Spanish, and it's been a few decades since I studied that language, but the city seems to be occupied by the Russians at this point, or at least the Russians are in every position of power we see at the station). Prof. Saxton tries to board a train to bring his newly stolen body home with him, but whatever arrangements he tried to make didn't go through. There is no room for him on the train. But just as it looks like he won't be boarding any trains, Horror Express or otherwise, who should walk in, but another British Academic, Dr. Wells, played by Peter Cushing!

And right away there is tension in the air. Wells seems very pleased to see Saxton, while Saxton is looking at him like Wells is the ex he hoped never to see again after a really rough breakup.

Exes-post-really-awkward-breakup was not the vibe I expected from these two in this movie, but I am already excited for it!

Wells flashes a whole lot of cash that buys him, his assistant, and Saxton all places on the train, along with all their luggage. Wells is smug; Saxton is seething, but has to let it happen if he wants a place on that train. The bitter exes vibes are through the roof with these two and I am loving it.

Meanwhile, on the platform, it seems like some folks are not thrilled by the British coming in and stealing their ancient corpses. Two very badly-dubbed men exchange a few words, and then one of the picks the lock on the massive chain Saxton has placed around the box. Unleashing a possible zombie on a train full of rich assholes and at least one body snatcher? Good for him.

Unfortunately, ancient horrors aren't known for being overly picky when it comes to murdering locals versus murdering British academics, and so our delightful lock-pick is the first to die, his eyes whited out. RIP, my guy. You just wanted to stick it to the man.

Saxton, meanwhile, does not want his ex paying for everything and getting the upper hand, so he accuses Wells of bribery, throws a little tantrum, knocks all the station master's stuff off his desk, and somehow gets a little group of soldiers sent to him from a local general?? It is very unclear why he gets this, but Saxton seems very pleased when he gets his ticket without having to grovel to the ex.

Meanwhile, the body of our would-be saboteur has been discovered, and has drawn quite the crowd. A Russian Orthodox priest who looks a lot like Rasputin is praying over him, and seems to be the only one who isn't totally blasé about the dead body with the white-out eyes. And we have our first scenery-chewer of the movie! He declares the box and its contents unholy to a Russian police inspector, and then to Saxton when he shows up demanding to know why Rasputin is trying to break into his box full of 'fossils'.

Got a feeling he's going to be one of my favorites in this movie. I love a good scenery-chewer.

Rasputin tries to demand that the box be destroyed, but Saxton isn't having that, and now that he's got his random soldiers, no amount of dead bodies will stop him from taking his stolen corpse fossils back to England.

Wells, meanwhile, is there collecting animal specimens (he's a biologist, I think??). The exes once again encounter one another as they're loading their respective specimen boxes into the baggage carriage. As Wells watches on, Saxton's box of 'fossils' starts to growl. As boxes of fossils are wont to do.

Saxton opens a little peep hole he had built into the box (so he could gaze upon the decomposed body??). He sees that the body is now partly thawed, but seems to just dismiss the growling as ... I don't even know what. Meanwhile, Wells, is watching on behind him, possibly realizing that his ex is a bit of a freak.

Or maybe he already knew that. Maybe that's why they broke up. Maybe that's why they got together.

"Babe, why did you chain your fossils up? Why did you make a little peep-hole to gaze upon them? Why do they MAKE NOISE?"

When Wells rightly points out that fossils, in general, do not growl, Saxton dismisses it out of hand. It's fine. It's a 2 million year old man ape eldritch abomination. They all do that. Wells just sort of accepts this and ribs him about presenting it to the Royal Society. Which gives the impression that he is very used to Saxton dragging horrors from beyond time back to England with him. It's just a cute quirk at this point.

At this point, a Polish Countess enters with what has to be a very poorly trained stage dog (or a very well trained to flail stage dog) to check her valuables into the safe. For a woman of the early 20th century, she certainly looks like a woman of the 70s, and immediately takes it upon herself to eye up Saxton, hit on him, and let him know she's married all in one fell swoop. She's a complicated lady.

The Countess and her flaily pooch

Saxton doesn't seem terribly interested, what with his ex there killing the mood, and what with the Countess being awfully fascinated by why her dog is so scared of the crate, so he leaves. The Countess follows, and Wells bribes the luggage master to drill a hole into that box and look inside. Because Saxton is a freak, but Wells is a freak too.

And because the station master ended up having the last laugh over both these dumbasses, we discover that they will be sharing a compartment. There is, alas, not only one bed, but there are tiny fucking bunk beds, so the exes must cohabitate.

Oh, also there's some lady who is crying and wants Wells' help? Very unclear why she's there. They both sort of ignore her while they angry flirt about accommodations.

When you're just trying to be a damsel in distress and the most dysfunctional gays on the train aren't even giving you the time of day.

Turns out, she's got no ticket, but has to get out Shanghai (was that where they were???). She offers to make it 'worth their while' if they smuggle her in their compartment. Saxton is deeply uninterested, Wells is trying to be chivalrous, and and she's getting sick of their shit, dabbing at her eyes less and less convincingly as they squabble.

The scene ends with the strong implication that she'll take the lower bunk since they'll probably just share the upper bunk anyway, no point in it going to waste. And given that their argument does indeed migrate up toward the upper bunk, it seems like she's got them pegged. Not having to play the damsel anymore, she settles in for what's bound to be a really weird train ride. We love a practical lady, and how, once she's secured that bottom bunk, she is entirely chill with everything happening. They can bang it out in the upper bunk if they have to; she's not bothered.

I cannot adequately express through photos alone how hilariously gay this scene is.

Unfortunately, the baggage master interrupts this brewing gay romcom by being impressively dedicated to that bribe he took from Wells. He's not just drilling a tiny hole in Saxton's crate, he's basically disassembling it! He fully removes part of the peek-hole, sees a decomposing corpse, and hurries away. But once he's gone, a decomposing arm reaches out to grab the chain and start breaking free. Literally breaking free, like grabs a nail, bends it, and gets to lock-picking sort of breaking free.

I suppose when you have several million years to kill, you pick up a few skills

The baggage master comes back just in time to become the monster's first victim, and it seems like it doesn't physically attack, but rather stares at its victim with glowing red eyes, and then their eyes go white and they bleed out of every orifice. It's simple, but surprisingly competent horror makeup.

Seriously, some solid work from the makeup design team here. Simple but disturbing.

There is now a monster almost loose on the train, and I really couldn't say if it's more Saxton's fault or Wells'. I'm going to blame them both, disaster gays that they are.

And they're not the only freaks on the train! Turns out the Count and Countess are swingers, or at least really into watching the Countess flirt with other dudes, and she's trying to pick out a dress to hit on Saxton. Rasputin, it turns out, is their own personal priest, though it's really unclear why they have him along as they don't seem terribly interested in spiritual advice, and he's not going to be any help at fashion advice. Maybe making him uncomfortable is part of their kink?

Not going to lie, I'm really enjoying these Edwardian swingers.

The Inspector has discovered that the baggage man is missing, and suspects it has something to do with the (now closed again) trunk. Especially after the first death on the train platform, so he calls the gays to the baggage car to answer for everything. Saxton tries stonewalling, Wells tries charming, but the Inspector still insists they open up the crate and see the 'fossils.' And after Saxton nearly gets closely acquainted with the butt-end of a rifle, he relents and hands over the key.

Only to discover that the corpse is gone, and a new one has taken its place! The baggage man got stuffed in the box, and the horror from the dawn of time is on the loose. Saxton admits that it was a 'fossil' (those generally aren't half-decayed, but okay) of a half-man-half-ape from 2 million years ago. How does he know this? Did he carbon date it? Did he ask it??

This will be difficult to explain to customs

And then comes perhaps the greatest exchange ever in the history of cinema:

WELLS: Are you telling me that an ape that lived 2 million years ago got out of that crate, killed the baggage man and put him in there, then locked everything up neat and tidy, and got away??

SAXTON: Yes I am! It's alive! It must be!

Understandably, the Inspector thinks Saxton is insane (he's probably not wrong) and wants Saxton locked up, and the ape found and destroyed. Saxton is not thrilled about that, being rather taken with the idea of a monster from the dawn of time being alive and running around, picking locks and staging crime scenes.

The ape ends up deciding against murdering a few sleeping children (thanks, ape), and instead kills a soldier. It also seems to be becoming less and less decomposed with each kill, so maybe the whole white-out-eyes-bleeding-from-every-orifice thing is how it feeds or something. It's a horror from the dawn of time, man. I don't know how these things work.

Wells is moping about his ex in the dining carriage while the lady who's stolen their bottom bunk tries to get him to be polite and pay attention to her. His heart really isn't in it, though, nor is it into being questioned by various and sundry people about Saxton. I guess it was cute when Saxton was dragging horrors back to England that weren't going on a killing spree, but a lot less fun when they're picking off people on the same train you're stuck on.

The Inspector drags poor Wells off before he can even eat his dinner to inspect the body of the soldier. He asks his assistant, Miss Jones, for help, and she gives him shit about hanging out with mysterious young ladies at his age. She is immediately my favorite.

Miss Jones is now officially the best and I don't want anything bad to happen to her

He and the eminently practical Miss Jones perform a sort-of autopsy (I guess he decided that the head was the only important bit, but I'm guessing he's a biologist or zoologist or something, and not a proper pathologist, so I'll forgive some sloppiness), and discover that ... gasp! All the wrinkles on the brain are gone!

That ape steals brain wrinkles ... is a phrase I never thought I would ever utter

They also talk some really hilariously bad science about how the wrinkles on a brain are all memories and learning (they are not), and by stealing the wrinkles, the memories have also been stolen. This is not the way brains work, but hey. We don't come to bad horror films for anything like accurate science.

While they're elbow-deep in a corpse, the Countess tries to go and seduce Saxton, but he's pissy about his horror from the dawn of time up and running off on him, and about being locked up, and probably about not at least getting locked up with Wells. And he's even pissier when she says that evolution isn't real.

You can be as sexy as you like, but Prof. Saxton doesn't have time for science deniers.

He admits that he might have brought an evolutionary horror onto the train that's now engaged in a killing spree, and she points out that it's a little fucked that he's moping about being locked up, and isn't particularly bothered by all the murder. Which, fair point.

Speaking of murder sprees, turns out that the lady who stole their bottom bunk is, in fact, an international spy! She sneaks into the baggage compartment, ignores the covered-up body there (I guess she's practical even faced with that), and goes for the safe to steal the Countess' jewels (why does a spy need this? No idea). But uh-oh, the ape snuck back onto the train and catches her. It murders her, and also steals the Countess' jewels. Because sure it does.

RIP to a practical queen

It almost catches Wells too, when he goes looking for her, but gets shot by a well-timed Inspector. But it's got its red eye (the ape is increasingly looking like a furry Terminator) on the Inspector, whose nose begins to bleed before he collapses.

It looks like the ape has been defeated, but why are we only forty minutes into the movie?

Saxton seems to have been freed post-ape-death, and discusses the case with the Inspector, positing that it was absorbing all the knowledge of its victims. So it turns out that the lockpicking was intentional! It picked it up when it ate the guy on the platform. And it knew the baggage carriage when it age the baggage man. And apparently it's now an international ape of mystery, as well, having absorbed a master spy's knowledge. Which I suppose is why it grabbed the jewels.

One of the Inspector's men brings in the bag that our spy stole containing said jewels, explaining that the ape had the bag. The inspector knows that the bag belonged to the Countess, despite having never seen it.

And Saxton realizes something in that moment (in an actual moment of show, don't tell, which is uncommon in bad horror films): if the ape can steal memories, could it push them as well? Could its own mind colonize another?

Is the Inspector really the Inspector?

Meanwhile the maybe-not-inspector returns the bag to the Count and Countess. It's apparently some miracle metal or something. Rasputin is still there, and even more unhinged and hammy, which is great. We really need some proper over-acting in this movie.

Flash from hammy acting to Wells, Saxton, and Miss Jones now working together. The exes seem like they're back together, and Jones is probably just happy that her employer isn't actually hitting on women young enough to be his daughter.

Wells is probably a much more pleasant employer when he's busy dealing with his boyfriend's eldritch horrors anyway.

They're apparently going to look at the vitreous fluid from the ape's eye under a microscope. How did they know to do this? Well, it seems that if brain wrinkles are memories, why wouldn't you be able to see those memories playing in vitreous fluid? We see the inspector, and they figure that its last memory is somehow stored in its eye. Because science.

And also because science, it's not only the last memory, but other memories. Including eyeball pterodactyls. I could not make this up, but I really appreciate the heights of goofiness this movie is now scaling. We've gone headlong into silliness, and it's about time.

Eyeball pterodactyl, because science.

They also see the Earth from space, possibly implying that we're dealing with an alien-ape-man-spy-thing. The Countess comes in, because they're stabbing eyeballs in the dining carriage, and Saxton shows her the Earth in eyeball fluid to prove evolution somehow. She calls in the hammy priest, and he thinks it's all a sign or something. He rants about prophecies or Satan or something (pretty sure he thinks that the alien-ape-man-spy-thing is alien-Satan-ape-man-spy-thing). The ladies give him some really glorious stink-eyes while the gays are definitely wondering who thought it was a good idea to let him at the magical ape eyeball fluid.

These two, contemplating their life choices

Which they have good reason to do, because Rasputin steals the eyeball and runs. They all go chasing after him, and because they're idiots they split up. Jones checks the baggage compartment, and finds the Inspector there. He asks her why she wants the eye and she explains what they saw, and who exactly saw it. And then his eyes turn red, and he kills her, the bastard. Look, that ape can kill spies and soldiers, but this asshole killed the best character in the movie?

He needs to die permanently.

This immortal monkey is going down

Rasputin, who's been watching all this go down, gives Inspector Ape the eye and begs for mercy. So five minutes ago he was convinced this thing was Satan and now he's offering himself up to it? That's some deeply inadequate faith.

Inspector Ape is now insisting that no one is allowed off the train. Mostly because it's determined to kill the Countess, Wells, and Saxton. He even kills the conductor to make sure they can't get away.

Wells and Saxton seem to be trying to figure out whether or not the ape is dead (because apparently Saxton totally forgot about that moment when he put everything together before, and has forgotten that he already suspected the Inspector had been taken over). They have at least realized that they were idiots for splitting up, and insist that everyone on the train stick with the buddy system.

Of course, that doesn't stop Saxton from immediately wandering off on his own and discovering that the conductor has been murdered (and thrown out the train window, to save on special effects makeup).

The train, unlikely to stop, is headed for a station. And at the station we're introduced to yet another character (I feel like we have way too many characters for an hour-and-a-half runtime). And this is ... a bald dude dressed like Evil Santa apparently having sex with some lady in the middle of a busy train station filled with the conductor and multiple soldiers. Evil Exhibitionist Santa seems to know a lot about the train, and possibly even the horror from the dawn of time. It looks like he wants to stop the train by force or something. Anyway, he's apparently some sort of Captain or something, and wants to stop the Devil.

Meanwhile Inspector Ape kills off the engineer who's been in the background of a few scenes because he knows about rockets. And apparently Inspector Ape wants to build a rocket and return to space or something. Just roll with it.

Then it goes after Saxton, but it turns out it doesn't have to drain his memories because he's still totally forgotten about that time he suspected Inspector Ape and instead happily babbles on about figuring out that it's an alien that took over the body of an ape millions of years ago and has taken over another person now. Who knows who! Certainly not Saxton twenty minutes ago!

I think Inspector Ape decided to kill him just to stop him talking, but before he can, Wells comes back with a shotgun. Inspector Ape realizes the boyfriends are back together, and even his attempt to sew some discord between them, implying one of them could be the monster, is immediately dismissed.

Monster?! We're British, you know! (No, that's literally the line)

Not wanting to have to deal with two smug academic boyfriends who are also armed, Inspector Ape beats a strategic retreat. Rasputin, who's gone full groupie for Inspector Ape, then leads him to the swinging Count to kill him for the formula of his super-strong steel to build that rocket ship he's on about.

Now, okay, Inspector Ape wants off Earth. Fair enough. Why does he need to kill everyone who saw the Earth in the eyeball fluid?? Why doesn't he just spend a few years building a rocket and go? Why do Miss Jones (RIP), the Countess, and the academic gays have to die too? Is he just worried Saxton will keep finding other horrors from the dawn of time and he won't be special anymore?

I guess no one expects straightforward reasoning from an ancient alien who eats people's brain wrinkles.

Luckily for the swinging Count, somehow the train does stop at the train station (how did that happen, with the conductor dead? Magic?). Evil Exhibitionist Santa boards with all his goons. This interrupts all murder plans as everyone is assembled, though the count and countess are taken back to their car since they're aristocrats and therefore Definitely Innocent.

Evil Exhibitionist Santa, suddenly worse than brain-wrinkle sucking aliens

He's just as hammy as Rasputin as he sort-of demands answers and sort of seems like he's just looking for an excuse to murder everyone aboard. He claims everyone is under arrest, including Inspector Ape, and when the academic boyfriends object they're basically pistol-whipped into compliance. Things are not looking good, and it would be a fine time for some brain sucking to save everyone's ass.

Unfortunately even the brain-sucking alien doesn't know how to defuse a psychopath with a bunch of soldiers and a gun. Rasputin steps in, and he and Evil Santa attempt to out-ham one another, but Evil Santa has a whip and whips Rasputin almost to death. Inspector Ape doesn't seem overly broken up about it (Wells seems much more upset, and is only stopped from running forward and probably also getting killed by Saxton's brutal practicality).

But realizing the lengths Rasputin would go to protect Inspector Ape finally clues Saxton into what he already figured out once before. he turns off the lights, revealing Inspector Ape's red eyes. Inspector Ape tries to run, but Evil Santa throws a knife into his back, then shoots him a few times. Inspector Ape still makes it out of the room, with Rasputin chasing after. Saxton even stops Evil Santa from following and getting his brain wrinkles sucked (I think this was a poor choice on Saxton's part, since getting rid of Evil Santa seems like the best way to improve the safety of everyone on the train).

Rasputin gleefully offers himself up to be taken over by Inspector Ape, who seems deeply confused by why anyone would voluntarily offer their brains up for consumption, but fuck it. So Inspector Ape Dies, and Apesputin is born

I am comforted by these glowing eyes clearly being full eye prosthetics rather than hellish contact lenses. Protect the eyes of your actors!

Meanwhile, apparently Evil Santa has lost his mind or something, because he and his men are just sort of emptying every bullet they have into the empty door through which Inspector Ape and Apesputin vanished. People are realizing this dude is seriously unhinged, and are all screaming and running. Even Saxton has realized that not letting Inspector Ape eat his brain was probably a really poor choice, and urges everyone to run to the baggage car, and leave Evil Santa and Apesputin to deal with one another.

And apparently Apesputin was the perfect host, because while Inspector Ape could barely handle a single person at a time, he just sort of wades through every single one of the soldiers, killing them in seconds. I know it's supposed to be horrifying and tense, but it sort of becomes hilarious how it Just. Keeps. Happening. Not a single shot fired. Apesputin for the win.

Saxton and Wells duck into their cabin while everyone else is screaming and running, trying to come up with an actual weapon against Apesputin. They already figured out that the red-eye effect only works in the dark, so if they can keep Apesputin in the bright light they might have a chance. They MacGyver something with a lamp and a candle and possibly a camera.

Back in the battlefield, all the soldiers are dead and Evil Santa is already bleeding from every orifice, but the ham is too strong with him, and he's not going down in an instant the way his red-shirt soldiers were. They get a second ham-off, this time with even greater stakes. Evil Santa grabs a sword and tries to get up, but it's too late. One more stare-down from Apesputin and he drops dead after two hammy, hammy scenes. Why was he included? I have no idea. Did he do anything for the narrative? I don't think so. He was there to chew some scenery and then die, and I respect that.

Chewing scenery to the end

The boyfriends, still learning nothing from their OWN BUDDY SYSTEM RULE, split up again! Saxton takes the light and the shotgun while Wells goes to take care of the others. And do what? And do why? You're both dumb.

Apesputin goes to finish what he started with the swinging Count and Countess. He manages to kill the swinging Count, but stealing Rasputin's memories means that he's more interested in monologuing at the Countess than murdering her. This gives Saxton enough time to show up and shine a light at him.

Unfortunately, Saxton was the worst guy to send to actually eliminate an ancient horror from the dawn of time, because that's his thing, man. He's way rather talk to it, and Apesputin knows that. So he tempts Saxton with all the knowledge of the world while he, apparently, starts bringing all his victims back as fucking zombies. Which Apesputin can apparently do now.

The swinging Count zombie shoots the lamp, and Saxton and the Countess barely manage to flee the car by power of Saxton shoving Apesputin sort of hard. They run, only to be waylaid by the soldier zombies. Luckily for them, Saxton has apparently been taking sharpshooting classes or something because he manages to shoot most of them, which at least knocks them over long enough that they can keep running.

They reach the baggage carriage and a fretting Wells, who barely notices the Countess in his happiness to see Saxton still alive and kicking. He's already had the idea to separate the baggage car from the rest of the train, which seems like a seriously good idea (although aren't a few of the zombies in there too??) given that they're two middle-aged academics, and there are a bunch of soldier zombies and an alien-Satan-monk-ape-man-spy-thing from the dawn of time now driving the train to who the hell knows where? Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

Two biologists trying to figure out how to decouple a train

And it's especially good since Moscow, not hearing from Evil Santa, has ordered the train stopped at the next switching point, one fork of which, very conveniently, leads straight off a cliff. Why would you build train tracks off a cliff? Oh well, they'll come in handy when they want to kill literally everyone aboard because Evil Santa isn't returning Moscow's calls.

The academic gays manage to decouple the baggage car just in time, and the front end of the train goes off a cliff, effectively destroying this particular evil since the dawn of time. The movie blows its budget lighting a ton of train cars on fire, and the last shot shows a slow pull-back on the Earth itself. Implying there are plenty more horrors out there that these two goofy idiots will probably go and dig up.

These two dudes are definitely not going to learn their lesson and will definitely be digging up other eldritch abominations, just as a couple

So, how did I like Horror Express? It's perhaps not as delightfully exuberant as 'Dracula A.D. 1972', but it still occasionally seems in on the joke and having a good time. And honestly, it was probably the best horror film of the horror films I've seen so far. It wasn't quite scary, but it had some good effects and some really solid makeup.

But the real reason to see this one is getting so ee Cushing and Lee sharing the screen for most of the movie. Their bitchy exes chemistry is way too much fun. Also the fact that the Countess wasn't cheating on her husband, but they were just swingers was a really fun touch. Also, RIP Miss Jones, you were too good for this world.

I also appreciate how goofy the plot got, how pointless Evil Santa was except to chew some scenery, how the horror makeup and effects were frankly better than they had any right to be, and how they blew their budget on eye prosthetics and burning train cars.

All in all, a very gay, solid romp. I definitely enjoyed it and recommend it to anyone looking for a stupid movie with eyeball pterodactyls for the spooky season.

[didsomeonesayventus]

Okay, I trust you as a source for all things Fire Emblem - can you please tell me if Fire Emblem Engage is worth getting? It's a lot of money, and I've seen a real mixed reception for it. I've read reviews that call it uninspired and shallow, storywise, and that some characters are difficult to enjoy. Is it actually worth it, or am I better off just replaying Fates? I am TORN over here.

SO! Good news in brief: if you liked Fates I'm fairly certain that you've got a good chance of liking Engage. I honestly see Engage as Fates 2 with a much better focus on what it wants to be and do! In fact if I HAD to pick a previous entry for fair comparison/vibe similarities, I'd pick Fates, maybe Sacred Stones (though I've yet to finish that one).

Engage is right now my favorite entry of the series.

MORE DETAILED ANSWER UNDER THE CUT (I have only played thru once on normal + casual as of writing)

I still maintain it's a good game and worth it, but you HAVE to be open-hearted about it. It's going to be silly. It's going to be hammy and subtle as a sledgehammer. It will even say the most cringe ass shit with it's whole heart. It's just about the farthest from 3H you can get on the fire emblem scale to the point you could have it sitting next to Kingdom Hearts and I, personally, love that for it, but feel like comparing it to 3H's darker tones is the thing most negative reviewers fall prey to.

Is it simple? Yeah. Absolutely. Terribly predictable, even. Is it heartfelt? YES! ABSOLUTELY! Engage has no time for "wow that was cheesy" because it LOVES cheese and it wants you to know that LOVE IS THE MOST POWERFUL THING EVER. It knows it's running a trite and cliched story and it doesn't care about that so much as trying to hit its notes with just the right vibe- and I argue it does a majority of the time, but can concede some things are rather silly. It's full steam ahead with the power of love and friendship and it does that with about as much reverence as a Sat. A.M. cartoon. A good Sat. A.M. cartoon that you're still thinking of years down the line that was a formative childhood joy.

And it's not about romantic love, actually! Hardly at all! There's a lot more focus on familial and platonic love than romance!! There are explicit "I love you"s regarding family bonds and multiple sibling relationships that make it clear they would do everything for their family. The only romantic aspect is whoever you choose to have Alear S-Rank (the game calls it a ring rank for Reasons but its essentially an S-Rank), and everyone else's supports end at A. Even then there's room in a fair number of Alear's S-Ranks to get interpreted as Really Good Friends, as the focus is not on "I Love You" but moreso the fact Alear and the blorbo in question have a deep, deep bond (though there are S-Ranks that are romantic-tinted and some who will explicitly say they love Alear, and regardless of gender picked! wow! diversity win!). If you were looking for pairing up your sexy chess pieces and getting paired endings, though, there'll be a bit left to be desired.

Again if you like Fates, or Kingdom Hearts, or stories that are cheesy, simple, cliched, but heartfelt, you're going to like this one. The cast is wonderful, and the story has some surprisingly good emotional beats. Oh, and also some of the FUNNIEST supports I have seen. Ever.

Alear in particular has become my favorite lord of the series, just barely scooting ahead of Corrin by virtue of having a more solid characterization and arc that Fates didn't quite let Corrin have. Which, yes, you can rename Alear and give them their own birthday, but there is NO question that Alear is their own character; hats off to Laura Stahl and Brandon McInnis for bringing stellar performances that are essential to the character. Frankly hats off in general to the voice cast as a whole they really bring a charm to the game that cannot be ignored.

I will say that supports are pretty hard to grind out, though, requiring units to be adjacent, and the leveling curve leaves a lot of... wonkiness? It's VERY easy with the rate of receiving new units + leveling funk to have units fall behind, or your army to feel underleveled, if you're like me and mostly skip the side skirmishes (bad gamer, I know). I hear the skirmishes are also kind of wonky and scaled to Alear's level which. Can Be A Problem if you're trying to level or support grind weaker units. Though I will say that playing Normal + Casual playing straight through the main story, while it occasionally made me sweat, it did not make me have to completely redo a map (or, if it did, it was probably only once or twice and I've simply forgotten about the inconvenience). Just made unlocking supports irksome as units fell off and/or made it hard to keep some characters off the bench.

There's also an OBSCENE amount of freedom in what you can do with your units. Go crazy go stupid try not to die. Resource management can get tricky, there's not quite enough gold or bond points to do everything, but you can do a lot of stuff, especially if you find a favorite to focus in on. As for the Engage mechanic: very powerful, but not to the point of sapping all the challenge out of things, and fairly balanced. The Break mechanic introduced I think is a great addition to the weapon triangle mechanics and adds a nicer layer of consideration to unit placement + weapon diversity in your army than before.

Also, if you're worried Engage overly relies on it's intent as an anniversary celebration, don't! Engage still is doing its own thing, and moreso uses references to past entries as spice or flourishes of color. They add some fun easter eggs and flavoring to the story, but it doesn't rely on the emblems or any throwbacks to tell the story it's trying to tell. Are Firene and Brodia a 1:1 for Zofia and Rigel? Yeah! Probably on purpose! They literally got the guy who voices Duma in FEH to do King Morion! Do you need to know anything about Shadows of Valentia to appreciate that? Nope! Just nice to know. Corrin's ring is found in a Northern Fortress, to further help illuminate the cute nods involved.

If you're on the fence, totally get that, especially since dropping 60$ on a game in this economy- ~90$ if you wanna add DLC -is a lot of money to ask for. But I've thoroughly enjoyed what Engage has to offer, and currently am hopping along through playthrough #2 and trying to tell myself to S-Rank someone who isn't Alcryst (I will probably S-Rank Alcryst again). I'd suggest looking into the first few eps of a playthrough if you're still not quite sure, and, frankly, imo there's no shame in just purely enjoying it from a "watched a playthrough" perspective, if you have to.

and, if none of this has persuaded you, please direct your attention to Zelkov and this Honest-To-Alear real support exchange: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1_lsOLB68g

[wordsgood]

thinking about posting my prophecy girls tma au fic. it’s too fun to languish in my google drive forever

[lizardinkart]

Watch starred war but remember:

There are only 6 movies. That is all the movies.

The ones labeled 7, 8, and 9 are advertisements for a theme park and a now-defunct hotel

the jury is still out...

[uchihaharlot]

❓️ HOW do the Uchiha guys sound in bed?

Are they loud? With a raspy moan? Grunting? Gluttural sighs? Panting? Dirty talk? Babbling? Or just open mouth breathing heavily?? 😮‍💨💋

I need to know 🥹💦💕

Oh I love this. A short little Drabble; NSFW

Sounds the Uchiha boys make when having sex; coming.

Madara:

You know, I guess it would depend for this man. I consider Madara to be a rather mouthy individual. So he’s going to really be talking some shit in her ear. ‘I know you can take it a little longer…’ after like five hours and she’s exasperated. The man has an incredibly fast refractory period. In the other hand he might be more of a grunter, and quiet if it’s just a fast romp.

Obito:

Full on whimpering, not in an overdramatic way. The man just has a high sensitivity and feels so deeply in these moments. The sounds he makes is only going to encourage her to make the same. So they’ll be on par with one another and probably come fast too.

Shisui:

My rotten solider. He’s definitely full mouth all up in your ear or the crook of your neck guy. Lots of hisses, and depending on how close he is, will change octaves. If it’s been a while, his mouth will slack open and he’ll give out a throaty groan when he first slips in. Very loud when he comes, it’s his way of affirming that this feels so good.

Itachi:

So reserved and respectful. He’s the heavy breather. Makes up for it with deep kisses and thrusts. His lips are so busy with hers that he doesn’t necessarily leave room for sounds. Maybe a few breathy kisses here and there, but will get a little louder right as he comes; a heavy panter if you’re on top. Very still soft though, and it’s always over your lips.

[bambisworlds]

needy little girl

simon was trying to finish paperwork before his next special forces assignment, but it was proving difficult to focus since bambi was visiting him on base. she's the ultimate distraction (1,155 word count)

*bambi is my oc, click on my pinned 'about my blog' post to learn more about her :)

content warnings, mdni 18+

f!reader, bambi!oc, needy!reader, bookworm!reader, established relationship, masked!simon, thigh riding, p in v, unprotected sex (don't do this), creampie, use of "Daddy" (three times), use of "good girl" (twice), let me know if forgot anything x

When Bambi asked to visit Simon on base for a few days, he knew having her around would be a struggle. Not because she annoys him, but because he can't keep his fucking hands off of her, the same way she is with him. 

Simon was in his office, pouring over files about his next extraction. He was extremely behind; this was supposed to be done this morning. But, this morning, he was busy fucking Bambi into the mattress, so he didn't have the time to finish his paperwork.

He hoped their morning romp would sate Bambi for the rest of the day, and himself for that matter, so he could focus on his work. But he was wrong. 

Bambi sat in the chair across from his desk. She nibbled on her bottom lip as she subtly glanced up at him every once in a while. She had a romance novel in her hands and a smutty one at that. The kind that made you rub your thighs together and set it aside so you could handle your own desires. She was subtly staring at his mask while subconsciously licking her lips.

"I can feel you starin' sweetheart," Simon said, not looking up from his paperwork. "Focus on your book, baby; I'll be all yours again in a few more hours." He says, still focused on the files before him. 

"I can't read the book. The book is the problem." She huffs, crossing her arms in defiance.

Simon glanced up at her, setting down his pen. "What's wrong with it? Is it written badly?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing beneath his mask. "It was on your list of books you wanted; that's why I got it for you."

"No, it's not bad." She says, looking back down at the book. "It's excellent, actually." She says softly, rubbing her thighs together. 

Simon catches the subtle movement of her thighs and smirks knowingly, "I see, it's one of your smutty books." He chuckles, "Let me guess, it's turned you into the needy little girl I love so much?" He asks. Bambi couldn't see his smile because of his mask, but she could tell he was from his tone and how his eyes lit up. Bambi nods timidly, still rubbing her thighs together. "How about you hop on my thigh and make yourself feel better." Simon proposes, and Bambi perks up with an eager nod.

Simon leans back slightly in his chair, "C'mere, sweetheart." He encourages her as she crawls onto one of his muscular thighs. Unable to resist, he dipped his fingers beneath her skirt to see how wet she was. She was soaked. "Poor thing," he tuts, rubbing her clit through the fabric of her panties for a few moments before pulling away. Bambi pouts as he withdraws his hand, for a moment thinking he is going to finger her. "Don't pout. I have work to do," Simon says firmly, turning back to the files on his desk. "Don't just sit there starin' at me; my thighs waiting."

Bambi huffs and starts to roll her hips, rubbing her clothed cunt against his cargo pants. Simon hums in approval, his free hand resting on her hip as she grinds against him. Bambi whimpers, wanting his hands elsewhere,  "Don't get greedy on me now," Simon warns, his thumb rubbing circles on the underside of her breast. Bambi whines and halts her movements, pouting at Simon. He sighs and sets down his pen, "Knew you'd do this to me," he mutters in mock annoyance, abruptly lifting her ass onto the edge of the desk and pushing her back down against the solid wood, "Such a needy fucking girl," he grits as he hastily undoes his belt. 

Bambi whimpers, spreading her legs wide on the edge of the desk, "Need you all the time, Si," she whines.

"I know, sweetheart, you just need Daddy to take care of you," he says as he yanks her panties down her legs once his own pants and briefs are shoved down to his ankles. Bambi nods pitifully in response as Simon drags his cock through her slick folds. His free hand lifts up towards Bambi's mouth. She obediently spits on his palm, and he brings his hand down to rub the spit over his impressive length. 

Simon moans in approval as he sinks his cock into her, sliding in without resistance from how wet she was. Bambi moans as well, gripping the edge of his desk, "Let's take care of this needy fuckin' pussy," Simon says as he sets an unforgiving pace, Bambi's body jostling on the desk with each smack of his hips against her thighs.

Bambi's mouth drops open with desperate moans, her head tilting back on the desk, repeating 'thank you Daddy' on a loop as he plows into her. "Such a good girl, thanking her Daddy," Simon grunts, continuing his unforgiving pace. The legs of the desk begin to scuff on the floor, but Simon barely registers it. He was practically drunk off of Bambi's cunt. Bambi moaned and squealed each time he bottomed out inside her, her tits bouncing beneath her pink sweater from the impact. Simon was laser focused on watching his cock move in and out of her, her delicate folds spreading open with each thrust of his girthy dick. 

Pens began to roll off the desk, and a picture frame of him and Bambi toppled over as he continued to slam into her. His files were long forgotten, hidden underneath Bambi's enticing figure. The papers were likely tearing and ripping, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Simon moaned and grunted with each thrust; his mouth dropped open beneath his balaclava as he lost himself in her sopping cunt. "Best fuckin' pussy in the world," he moans.

Bambi's mewls grew progressively louder, converting into high-pitched squeals and squeaks as the desk creaked ominously beneath her, her orgasm building rapidly within her. She sobbed desperately as she came, her body trembling wildly atop the desk. Her hands moved around blindly for something to grab onto, knocking things off the desk in the process. Simon practically whimpered as he felt her squeeze him, his grip tightening on her hips that would surely leave a bruise.

"Fuck!" Simon cried out as he followed suit, seemingly forgetting that the halls outside his office were filled with soldiers. He slammed into her one final time, grinding his pelvis against her as he released into her cunt. Simon moaned in bliss, his head falling back as Bambi's walls continued to spasm and contract around his cock. His hips moved on their own accord with a few shallow thrusts before he finally stilled. 

He panted heavily, looking down at Bambi, "Are you gonna be a good girl and let me do my work now?" he asked firmly. Bambi nodded, his cum beginning to leak out around his cock and onto the desk.

if you have any requests including the people on my masterlist please comment them below or on my masterlist!! (check here: about my blog  to see what things i'm not comfortable with in regards to requests <3)

[joelswritingmistress]

Neighbors With Benefits: Part 10 (Joel Miller x f!reader)

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Life felt completely up in the air. It was as exciting as it was anxiety-ridden. The BMW remained at Joel’s house overnight, and even long after you’d gotten home after your romantic romp in the lake, jealousy and insecurity ate away at your core - not to mention every other heightened emotion you could think that you had no idea what to do with.

He said he wanted this, you reminded yourself. Still, there was a looming dark cloud over your inner paradise in the form of the legal situation between Joel and Cecille. Should she try to convince him to take her back, maybe she would be enticing enough for him to agree to it. After all, this wasn’t some high school couple that was simply calling it quits. This was a marriage.

Your racing thoughts disallowed you to have a solid night’s sleep. Each time you awoke you took a glance out the window to see the car beside Joel’s truck. It was torture. When the morning finally did come, you were pleased to see Cicille enter her vehicle ahead of Joel. The question was, was she going to work, or was she leaving for good?

Your phone went off soon after, and you barricaded yourself in your room to take Joel’s call.

“Hey.” The one word practically came out as a sigh of relief.

“Hey.” Joel cleared his throat, “Look, I’m uh, I’m going golfing with your father after work.”

“Oh, yeah,” you remembered, “That was today huh?”

“Yeah.” He paused, “And then I’m going to get a room somewhere for the night.”

“Like a hotel?”

“Yeah.”

“So, is um… is Cecille staying there permanently then?”

“Honestly, things are a bit of a mess, and there’s nothing legally keeping her from being there. She loves to make my life a hell of a lot more difficult when it’s convenient for her, hence why this thing is ending the way it is.”

“I’m sorry.” You sighed.

“I shouldn’t even be venting all that out to you,” Joel went on. “But, I just wanted to let you know that I wasn’t going to be at the house tonight.”

It felt like a crushing blow that you were potentially losing Joel as a neighbor. Having him right next door was exciting and fun. Sneaking back and forth had been an addicting addition to the relationship. To have his ex-wife appearing out of the blue to take the house back over felt unfair, if their verbal agreement had stated otherwise.

“What hotel are you staying at?”

“I have to make some calls on my lunch break,” he explained. “And, uh… if you’re around I wouldn’t mind the company.”

“I’m around,” you explained with a nod, though you knew he couldn’t see the gesture.

Joel hesitated before speaking again. “Thanks for… understanding. I’m sorry for how this all must seem from your point of view.”

“I trust you,” you said to him. “Divorces happen and from what I’ve heard through the grapevine they’re rarely easy.” You paused a second before adding, “I’m here for you.”

“Thanks.” Joel sighed heavily on the other end of the line, “I, uh… I’m really lucky to have you, honey.”

“The feeling is mutual.” Despite all the heavy feelings, a smile still formed on your face.

“I’ll text ya the name of the hotel this afternoon.”

“Okay.”

“I, uh, I can’t wait to see ya. I know it’s only been since last night but I got used to you sleeping next to me.”

Your heart went from a steady beat to outright pounding in your chest. “I loved waking up next to you.” And I fucking love you!  You wanted to shout it. You wanted to cry as you told him. The thought of it alone made you want to burst into tears but you didn’t know why. The feelings were so intense and the circumstances were so up in the air that it left you feeling a bit tossed in all directions. It was overwhelming.

“Well, if you’ll have me, tomorrow morning you will.” Pep returned to his voice as he spoke those words.

“You know by now that I’ll gladly have you.”

“Okay, then,” Joel said, “It’s a date.”

That was enough to hold you over. While the long term held some serious questions, the short term had you back to walking on air. Spending the night at a hotel with Joel already felt like a little slice of heaven. No one would know where you were. No one would be there to potentially interrupt or catch you. In your mind, you could play house again and act in your fantasy world like you were husband and wife.

When you made your way back downstairs to see your mother filling her travel coffee mug, you smiled. “I can make the pasta salad for the picnic tomorrow,” you offered, “And whatever other appetizers will hold overnight. Oh, and I’ll set up the volleyball net this afternoon. Dad’s going golfing, I think.”

“Thank you,” you mother said with a smile. “That would be great.”

“Hey, I’m not going to be home tonight, but I promise I’ll be back for the picnic.”

“You’re staying out?”

You nodded. “Yeah.”

“Holly’s?”

“Mm-hmm.”

You mother squinted her eyes. “Is there… something you’re not telling me?” She asked with playful accusation.

“Like what?”

“Well… you barely stay at this house anymore,” she began, putting a hand up before you could protest,” And it’s fine, you’re a young woman, you can do as you please. But, as your mom, of course I’m a little curious.”

Crap. Where was she going with this?

“Are you in some kind of secret relationship?”

“Mom…” You shook your head.

“With some guy… or even with Holly?”

Your eyes bugged out of your head and you began to laugh. “What? Holly’s been my best friend since middle school.”

“It happens.” She shrugged, making you laugh further. It was a relief that she thought of Holly before Joel, though you knew sooner or later you would have to tell her the truth.

“No,” you giggled now, “I can’t wait to tell her you said that.”

“Oh, don’t make fun of me,” she said, shaking her head, “You girls always teamed up on us moms growing up.”

“Some things never change,” you teased, laughing out loud. In the lighthearted nature of your talk, you almost wanted to blurt out the truth and tell her you were in love with Joel. In your heart, you knew a part of her wouldn’t judge, but the other rational part of her would break down every reason why getting involved with him was a terrible idea - and you didn’t need that right then. Still, you decided to be half honest with your mother. “I am seeing someone,” you admitted.

“I knew it.”

You chuckled, “But, I didn’t want to put anyone in an awkward position so I kept pretending I was staying over at Holly’s”

“Who is he? Did you meet him at school? What was his major?”

“It’s still a bit new,” you explained, “But I really… really like him. A lot.”

Your mom’s face seemed to glow. “You’ve never said that about anyone… maybe your high school boyfriend, but…” She shook her head, “Oh, I can’t wait to meet him!”

You already have. A smile lingered on your face but you could feel how forced it was from the tense feeling in your cheeks.

“You will,” you explained, “I promise. In time. I just… maybe don’t tell Dad. It’s a weird, in-between time I’m in. I feel like an adult and a kid at the same time and I’m living with you guys and-”

“I get it,” your mother cut you off, “I’ll keep it between us. I’m glad you’ve met someone that makes you… glow.” She grinned, “I knew it. I knew something was different. He treats you nice?”

“Yes,” you said right away, “Very nice. He’s a gentleman. I think you and Dad have set a good example of what to look for in a relationship.” You winked and decided to butter her up a bit - not that it wasn’t true; but sucking up a little wouldn’t hurt once she found out that Joel Miller was your secret lover.

“Your father and I love each other very much,” she concluded, capping her coffee. Your mother smiled and pointed at you, “He’s a good man.”

“And a great Dad.” You exchanged a kiss on the cheek, “And of course you’re a great mom.”

“Stop trying to make me cry before work.” She cupped your face, “My baby is growing up. And it’s hurting me and making me smile all at once.”

You smiled back at her, exchanged another hug and then parted ways for the day. You spent your day cooking and did a little baking before whipping out all of the yard games for the following afternoon. The volleyball net was a little frustrating to set up alone, but you figured it out. And then you followed with setting up cornhole, staking in a set up for horseshoes and even dragging out a set of folding tables so everything was more or less ready for Saturday.

“Hey!” Joel’s voice caught your attention unexpectedly from next door later in the day.

You whipped around with a smile and had the urge to run across the yard to greet him. You played it cool, of course and smiled, staring at him with your hands on your hips.

“Hey!” You shouted back.

“Straighten out those horseshoe pits! They’re cooked!” Joel smiled wide and winked.

You laughed and bit your bottom lip. “Maybe you should come over and straighten them out.”

“I can’t,” he motioned like he was hitting a golf ball, “I’m play golf with my girlfriend’s father.”

He said that loud enough for anyone to hear, but you realized that no one was home to even question it. It made you laugh out loud.

“Keep you ball out of the rough,” you shouted through cupped hands.

Joel began to laugh out loud. He smirked and put his hands out the sides. “No promises.”

Fuck. You wanted to kiss him. No, you wanted to pounce on him.

“Check your phone in about thirty seconds.”

“Okay.”

“Your dad comped me a room on the golf course,” he went on with a shrug, “Felt bad about what’s been going on.”

“He what?”

“I hope that’s okay,” Joel added.

“Oh, yeah…” You hadn’t realized your shock had translated into some form of disapproval, “Of course that’s fine. That’s a really nice hotel.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, “Check in is any time after four. I’ll still be playing then, but you can go whenever you’d like.”

“Do I just use your name?”

“I know it’s probably risky but I gave both of ours.”

You smiled. “Well, I better go inside and freshen up then. I’ve been sweating out here the last hour.”

Joel looked around in all directions before making the trek over to your yard. Your heart rate began to pick up again and you took just a few, nearly-frozen steps toward him. When he reached where you stood he asked, “When do they get home?”

“I, um.. well-”

“Do you have any butter I can borrow?” Joel smiled playfully, reminiscent of the first conversation you’d had together on the back step.

You smiled back and swallowed hard. “I have whatever you need.”

“Is there time?” he asked more directly, looking you in the eye.

“There’s time,” you whispered back, as if someone might hear you.

Joel looked like he wanted to pull you against him and kiss you; but he didn’t. He let out a deep breath, holding your eye contact until you led him inside the back door a step behind you. When you got inside it was as if he had been overseas at war. You didn’t know if you pulled him to you, or he pulled you to him, but your lips crashed against one another’s.

Wondering if you could get caught was the farthest thing from your mind when your hand was tangled in Joel’s wavy hair. He held you with such force and kissed you with such ferocity that you couldn’t hold back what you were feeling.

“I love you,” you gasped in between kisses, “Fuck, I love you, Joel.”

Joel’s tongue dominated yours harder and you only separated from him because you felt like you couldn’t breathe. He let out a gasping breath of his own and let out several deep breaths into your open mouth.

“I love you, too, honey.” He swallowed hard, pecked your lips and you kissed on another more firmly. Joel’s hand lingered on the side of your face. “I fucking love you.”

CLICK HERE FOR PART 11

@pedropascal111 @axshadows @mybritishstyle @untamedheart81 @amyispxnk @goodvibesonly421 @cosmic006533-blog @ashleyfilm @maybetomorrowgirl @rebeccawinters @cuteanimalmama @writlingerz @vickie5446 @drewharrisonwriter @churchofjoemiller

[afeelgoodblog]

The Best News of Last Week

1. Amazon deforestation falls over 60% compared with last July

Deforestation in the Brazilian Amazon fell by at least 60% in July compared to the same month last year, the environment minister, Marina Silva, has told the Guardian.

The good news comes ahead of a regional summit that aims to prevent South America’s largest biome from hitting a calamitous tipping point.

2. 4,000 Rescued Beagles, Bred for Research, Found Homes and Best Friends

A heartwarming story unfolds as a beagle named Fin marks the end of a heroic 60-day mission to save almost 4,000 dogs from distressing conditions at a breeding facility. Beagles once underfed, sick, and mistreated have found their way into loving homes, enjoying grassy romps and birthday cake celebrations.

From "Sir Biscuit of Barkingham" to "Nervous Nellie," these four-legged heroes are adapting to their new lives with wagging tails and leaps of joy.

3. 'Cancer-killing pill' that appears to 'annihilate' solid tumours is now being tested on humans

A "cancer-killing pill" has appeared to "annihilate" solid tumours in early research - leaving healthy cells unaffected.

The new drug has been in development for 20 years, and is now undergoing pre-clinical research in the US.

4. Petting other people's dogs, even briefly, can boost your health

It turns out even short, friendly interactions with canines can be good for our health. Evidence is accumulating that levels of the stress hormone cortisol drop in people after just 5 to 20 minutes spent interacting with dogs — even if it's not their pet.

5. FDA approves first pill for postpartum depression

The Food and Drug Administration on Friday approved the first-ever pill for postpartum depression.

The medication, called zuranolone, is taken daily for two weeks. In a pair of clinical trials involving women who experienced severe depression after having a baby, the drug improved symptoms — such as anxiety, difficulty sleeping, loss of pleasure, low energy, guilt or social withdrawal — as early as three days after taking the first pill.

6. Taylor Swift Gives Bonuses Totaling Over $55 Million to Every Person Working on Massive Eras Tour

The pop superstar recently gave bonuses totaling over $55 million to everyone (from her dancers to riggers, sound technicians and catering, among others) working on her massive show.

TMZ previously reported that Swift, 33, gifted truckers on her tour $100,000 each ahead of her concert stop in Santa Clara over the weekend.

7. Successful room temperature ambient-pressure magnetic levitation of LK-99

In summary, this paper provides confirmatory synthesis and enhanced magnetic levitation of LK-99 at room temperature. The results support the possibility of intrinsic high temperature superconductivity in this system, but lack electrical evidence. More measurements and theoretical work are still needed to conclusively demonstrate and explain claimed room temperature superconductivity in this apatite material.

----

That's it for this week :)

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[hockeyboysimagines]

okay we need a sequel to practice makes perfect where matthew is proven right and knocked hallie up first try 😂

Your wish is my commend anon. Please read part 1 before this, as it won’t make sense otherwise. I hope this is everything you’re imagining.

“Sooooooo?”

“So what?”

“Did you take it?”

Hallie rolled her eyes “No I didn’t take it yet. I’m not late, we still have another week.”

Matthew slumped down in his seat and crossed his arms “Ugh. Can’t you hurry it along? Like talk with your uterus and tell it to do us a solid?”

“The fact that you know nothing about the female body is amazing considering how good you are in bed.” She looked down at her abdomen “Excuse me in there. Can you tell us if you’re sending a period this month? My baby daddy wants to know.”

His mouth fell open and he started laughing “Baby daddy.”

“Is that not what you are?” Hallie asked reaching forward to run her fingers through his hair “I mean after all wasn’t it YOU.” She said jabbing him in the chest with her pointer finger “Who was just bragging about being 2 for 2 the other week? The cabin? The bar bathroom? Ring a bell?”

“I don’t know. I can’t remember the bar bathroom.”

“Can’t remember my ass!”

“Oh no. I remember your ass.”

He ran a hand up her thigh and gave her hip a tug, pulling her over to straddle his lap, and looked at her smiling cheekily “Kidding. Of course I’m your baby daddy. Thomas looks just like me, now Lilly…..”

Hallie’s mouth fell open and she slapped his chest “Rude.” And then she reached down between them to palm him through his shorts “I guess if that’s how you feel I’ll find someone else to give me this.” She ground her pelvis into his, and he felt himself get hard.

“Never.” He reached forward and let his hands travel up her thighs to her hips and then leaned up to kiss her collarbone. Hallie closed her eyes and felt goosebumps erupt across her skin as his lips moved across her skin, tongue sliding across her neck, and up her jaw to her mouth. He had just started to kiss her, hand coming up to grip the back of her neck when-

“Daddy!!”

He stopped and his head fell forward with a sigh.

“Daddy come play!”

She smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek “We’ll finish this later. Your mini me is calling you.” she climbed off him and helped him stand, turning to head towards the kitchen when she felt his hand on her ass “I like these pants.” He said hand coming to the other side of her hips “They make your-“

“DADDY!”

“OKAY!” He yelled back, scowling and huffing “He’s so impatient.”

Hallie started laughing “You sure you want another one?”

“Ha ha. I want 4 more.”

“4-what I-4?!” Hallie’s sputtered at him until he started laughing.

“Can’t help it. You’re just so easy to get pregnant.” He shrugged and winked at her turning to find Thomas and take him outside to play hockey in the driveway, a daily past time for them.

4 kids. Was he crazy? She thought as she made her way through the house and upstairs to check on baby Lilly, as Thomas called her, who was taking a nap. On her way she passed the bathroom, and stopped.

Biting her lip she reached under the sink and pulled out a test. She didn’t feel pregnant. Last time she’d known right away, after said romp in the bar. Exactly 5 weeks later she was holding a positive test while Brady celebrated before the Battle of Alberta playoff series. When at home, some form of protection was always used unless they were trying. But there wasn’t much thought that went into spontaneous bar bathroom sex, or her last minute availability to be in Ottawa some weeks ago, both of which had been protection free. She held it in her hand, doing a mental count and pulled her jeans down.

Today would be 5 weeks exactly, and taking one couldn’t hurt. It would however prove his theory, and he would now be 3 for 3 on getting her pregnant on the first try.

Thomas was the night in the cabin, the first time they’d had sex.

Lilly was the bar bathroom, the first time they’d been out celebrating the trade with his new teammates.

And now if she was pregnant today, it would be after the game in Ottawa, all three being on the first try.

She would never hear the end of this.

She set the test on the counter, pulling her jeans up and washing her hands while she waited for it. She however was not alone before it finished because Matthew himself threw the door open and stopped, surprised to see her but then his eyes zeroed in on the test.

“What the- your taking it without me?!”

He pushed past her and peered at it, eyes moving between what appeared in the bubble and the difference between positive and negative. A smile spread slowly across his face like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes and he turned to her.

“3 for 3!”

“No WAY!” She said grabbing it and holding it up. There it was. A pink plus sign clear as day in that tiny circle.

He thrust a fist in the air and gave a very loud “YES!” Before he pulled out his phone, fumbling to unlock it with the amount of excitement running through him.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling my parents to tell them that their son has successfully knocked you up 3 times on the first try. Let them tell me again that Brady’s more talented.”

“Matthew do not-“

But Chantal had already answered the phone.

“Hello I was just going to-“

“Hallie’s pregnant!” He yelled gleefully into the phone.

“AH!” Chantal screamed on the other end. She heard a clatter in the background and Keith yelling “What?! What happened?!”

“Hallie’s pregnant!” She yelled voice breaking a little.

“Again? He’s out of control.”

“Yeah remember that next time you tell me Brady is better. I’d like to see him do that.”

Hallie’s face burned with embarrassment as she accepted ‘congratulations’ from Keith and Chantal, who promised to come visit soon and hung up. But Matthew wasn’t done, he texted several teammates, all of whom chirped him, including Sam who said he didn’t think he had it in him, and then made one last phone call, looking at her and cracking a large evil smile.

“Now what are you doing?”

“Calling Brady to tell him that C on his chest is nothing compared to the C in my pants.”

“MATTHEW!”

[rampantram]

How did henn and helob meet? Was she caught in one of his traps?

Lenn’s head was throbbing.

Consciousness came like a brick to the head as her eyes fluttered open. The bright moonlight made her groan, feeling a knife of pain stab at the back of her eyeballs. Stretching her back, she quickly found that she was restrained, hardly able to move her arms a centimeter from her sides. With a panicked gasp, she dropped her head forward, eyes widening at the sight of her body wrapped from neck to toe in a bundle of spider silk. 

“H-How…” she muttered to herself, already feeling a bead of sweat run down her temple. The last thing she could remember was being chased by heretics of the Old Faith, all while making a mess of her escape: stumbling into bushes and catching nearly every overgrown root with her feet as she made a desperate sprint in the opposite direction of their screeching calls and glinting swords.

Then, she remembered a scuffle, something she had no chance to witness as the world began to spin, leaving her faint and limp. Oddly enough, she didn’t remember hitting the hard, cold ground.

She was beginning to put together why.

Being mindful of her breathing, she struggled against the strong layers of webbing, her knees tucked to her chest and affording her no aid as she tried forcing them forward against her silken prison. It was growing difficult for her not to hyperventilate in panic.

Then, a sound caught one of her long ears, sending it upright: joyful calls and hollers, somewhere to her right. Turning her head as best she could, she spotted two figures, both dressed in unfamiliar garb, romping around in an open field just outside the woods, flakes of snow just beginning to fall from the cloudy, gray sky. Joy overtook her as she opened her mouth for a loud holler, only for her lips to be closed shut by something that felt almost like solid bone.

She shuddered a breath through her nose as warm air blew over her neck, sending her fur to stand on end. A deep, sinister chuckle rumbled next to her left ear, making her shiver. She didn’t want to look, worried that maybe whatever was there was somehow worse than her own imagination, but she glanced slowly to her side anyway, letting out a muffled squeak upon seeing the large, purple-irised eye blinking right at her.

The monster let out another low chuckle, revealing said eye to be on his forehead - one of three - as he craned forward, drool dripping from his fanged mouth as he smiled at her excitedly.

“Such pathetic little morsels~” the giant spider mused, a lilt to his voice that almost sounded like an accent, “But so good for a midnight snack, mmm?”

Lenn was shaking, her entire cocoon shuddering like a leaf in winter, which only made the spider laugh more, though he was sure to keep his volume low so as not to alert her only possible saviors, who she could hear laughing to themselves in whimsy.

“And how should I cooks the little bunny, hm? Perhaps…roasted over a fire? Or maybe I’ll make it into a stew~” Lenn’s fear was becoming unbearable, feeling the stipple of anxiety in her chest as well as the racing of her heart. She stiffened as another one of the spider’s sharp legs grazed along her opposite cheek. “Or perhaps I’ll just eat it raw? I do loves the crunch, crunch, crunch of their little bo-”

CRUNCH

Lenn bit into the monster’s arm as hard as she could, her buck teeth driving directly into the joint of his leg. She immediately felt her cocooned body sag a bit, the monster having released his grip on her, one of his sharp legs scratching across her binds as he recoiled back in shock.

Lenn hit the ground hard. She thrashed to escape the remaining strips of silk and scrambled to her feet, hearing the pained hissing of her former capture quickly fall quiet as she hopped over some brush and weaved through the trees. Like her escape from the heretics, she didn’t have a plan for where she was going - just anywhere from here.

As she ran through the dense trees, she listened for any sign that the spider was following her - the snap of a branch or rustle in the trees - though she hoped he’d given up and saw her as too-difficult-prey. Fortune didn’t seem to be on her side, however, as something suddenly hit her in the back. She felt herself lifting off the ground.

“No, no, no, no, no!” she muttered in a panic as she thrashed midair, spinning herself every which way and grazing the dirt with her feet. Spotting an old, fallen arrow, she hurriedly grabbed it up by the sharpened head, paying no mind to the way it cut through her palm and under her fingers as she fumbled it behind her, desperately sawing at the piece of silk that had stuck to her back just as she began to lift even higher.

She felt the force of her body weight as she landed on hands and knees, shockwaves of pain traveling like lightning through her shoulders and hips. Looking up, she saw a large, fluffy, purple blob falling down towards her. With a scream, she scrambled to crawl forward, feeling one of the giant spider’s legs pinch at her side before roughly turning her to land on her back. He landed right over-top of her, all eight legs surrounding her like a spindly cage, save for the one she had bitten earlier.

The giant spider laughed, grabbing at her foot as she tried to scramble backwards, dragging her through the dirt back below him. “This little bunny is quick on her feet, hmm?” Despite his smile and jovial tone, he looked annoyed - really annoyed. Lenn flinched as he grabbed at her cut up hand, raising it for inspection before eyeing her mischievously. Her eyes widened as he opened his fanged maw, purple drool dripping down his chin as his tongue hung from his mouth. She tensed and cringed, her eyes shut tight as he dragged his large tongue over her bloody palm, with her making little, frightened sounds of protest until Helob let go of her arm. “So much fuss for one meal. I might just eats you whole right now to avoid anymore trouble-”

A rustle in the nearby brush snapped his attention away from her, his three eyes narrowing as his irises shrank to knife-like slits. She thought of attempting another escape but felt another one of his legs pin down into her shirt, effectively trapping her as he stared in the direction of the growing noise beside them. Looking for herself, she saw a sheep emerge from the darkness of the woods.

I-I thought they were all… she gulped, wondering if she was already dead and had entered some sort of hellish purgatory.

The spider’s smile widened, looking more genuine. “Ahhh, my number one customer~” he crooned, not moving his leg from her shirt as he adjusted his posture. “Dangerous wanderings in the woods once more, hmm?”

“Yeah, I mean - the usual,” the lamb replied casually, a relaxed smile on their face. Glancing down at Lenn, their ears lowered slightly, eyes quickly returning to Helob. “You seem busy yourself.”

Helob hummed sinisterly. “Mmmm, just gathering up a little snack…” His impatience was beginning to show, the large pair of external fangs near his mouth clicking once, then twice, before relaxing again.

“Oh, well, as it so happens-” Reaching under their red fleece, the sheep produced a rather hefty-looking bag of what sounded like gold coins. “I was actually hoping to run into you today, so…”

Helob’s eyes narrowed, his smile hardening. The sheep waved the bag around during his silence, jingling the golden currency inside. Lenn, meanwhile, was holding her breath and looking tensely between the two.

“Mmmmm, very well, Lamb,” Helob finally conceded. Lenn exhaled quietly as he unpinned her shirt, “I accept your generous offerings~” Taking the bag of coins from the lamb, Helob skittered back, allowing Lenn to shakily stand on her feet before quickly moving behind the lamb. Helob’s eyes narrowed thinly again. “Don’t eat them all at once…” With that he rose back into the trees, making a show of some noise they could confuse with him traveling away before falling completely silent.

He listened as the lamb introduced themself, Lenn reluctantly doing the same. She thanked them for saving her, which they waved off casually before tending to her bloody, drool-covered hand. The lamb’s attentiveness made Lenn blush slightly, and Helob could feel an irritated rumble grow in his chest. Helob counted the coin Lamb had provided - 500 whole gold pieces, just as he had estimated - as he watched them talk. Lenn obviously needed settling down before the lamb could convince her to come to their grounds, something Helob suddenly found…bothersome.

He watched as they both moved into the woods from the direction the lamb had originally arrived, soon disappearing from sight. His festering was interrupted soon after by a glint from something left behind in the clearing. Lowering back down, Helob picked a small pocket watch strung on a silver chain from the ground. It was downright tiny - small enough to wear around one’s neck as the chain implied - and shined under the silvery moonlight like a star. Turning it over, he saw the front was decorated with an engraving of a rabbit sitting on a crescent moon.

“Hmhmhmhm…” Helob chuckled to himself with a grin. “The little bunny dropped her tiny trinket~” he mused to himself, his interest peaked at the question now on his mind: would she come back for it, despite everything that’s happened? With another low, sinister laugh, Helob rose back up into the trees, tucking the small trinket into his body fluff for safe keeping.

[cineflections]

You know, if there was one manga that would be adapted to live action and succeed, I never would have guessed it to be this one.

I'm ofc talking about the One Piece Live Action on Netflix

A whole day binge right after release, I was READY, and thankfully, I was not disappointed. There are cuts and streamlining of the story, characters coming in earlier than in the manga/anime, and some of the emotional bits don't hit as hard as in the original. Still, I can feel the love the production team has of One Piece. The characters are goofy and lovable, but they are also serious and straight-faced.

One thing that I noticed throughout was the constant close up to faces and sometimes straight on, as if almost breaking the 4th wall. The very first scene with Luffy is like this, but there he DOES look into the camera directly, but the pov of the camera is revealed to be a newsbird. It's like a statement that they know this is a silly pirate romp, they know that some people will not take this seriously, but they will not do 4th wall breaks silly, but in-universe silly. Does that make sense?

I laughed at several points in the show, big and wide smile on my face and pointing at the screen several times...

But I do wonder how much of my laugh was on the show's on merit or if I was only calling back on the the source material. At times I did feel the straw hat crew not being as iconic as in the manga/anime. The extreme reactions, the over the top noises and actions, at the same time I realize that real people generally don't act like that.

I appreciate the show runners attention to details. Putting stuff in to tease future arcs, adapting some cover stories, some of the complete unhinged behaviors of characters (Garp I'm looking at you!).

This show adapted Romance Dawn, orange town, syrup village, baratie, and arlong park.

There are so many moments that are almost scene by scene taken from the manga. Luffy in the barrel and meeting Koby. Alvida with her giant spike club. We got to see some pre-captured Zoro moments (particularly him killing a baroque works agent!), Nami being a sneak.

Then we meet the one and only clown Buggy! They hammed him up, they made him a showman and a real clown (with a real bulgy nose as well, props!). I loved Buggy. Goddamn what a show stealer. Excellent casting, his devil fruit was show cased so well and it looked good!

Usopp's introduction is the most changed. The kids are gone and the Black Cat pirates never call in the entire crew or Jango. Instead of the fight on the slope by the beach it's instead in Kaya's house from which they cannot escape. The actor for Kuro nailing the mannerism and hand movements, altho his "teleporting" looks a bit wonky.

With Baratie we are finally introduced to Sanji! Who's British now 😆. And Mihawk's introduction tho! Badass and just so over the top and goofy. I love him so much! This is where we got the biggest change where we instead get Arlong and crew coming in smashing the place up (a tiny bit). Arlong may not be as tall as he should be but I love the practical approach instead of CGI, which means he actually feels present! All the fishmen we see are guys in costume and prosthetics!

Arlong Park felt a bit more rushed than the earlier parts, but I do think they nailed *that* scene tho.

If the bar for live action adaptation was below the ground, I would say now there's a new bar, which is on the ground 😅. I think it's a solid show but it might be my bias talking. I do have some gripes tho.

One thing that was constant in East Blue Saga was how much village people hate or are scared of pirates. I think they got the marines right, and the pirates, but they failed to really have the village people be a character in their own right. In the manga and anime the villagers are mostly a monolith who will think and act alike in situations and be part of the happenings either by watching or fighting. We got just about none of it here, except a mention in Arlong Park. They did some really good and cool world building with lots of people populating the sets in the background - but that's it, they're just extras to fill out the screen. There are ofc a few exceptions but I felt it was not enough.

I wish they had Luffy be more agile when using his gum-gum powers. Whenever he springs a pistol or a whip is stands in place, which I found boring (and they did so well with Zoro's fights!). I do think the explanation is that they decided for Luffy to be coming into his powers as we go. That we will learn with him all the things he can do (him not knowing he can blow himself up like a balloon proves this). I hope that in season 2 (please netflix!) they show the growth in his fighting!

But to end this long post. I just wanna say how much I fucking love the dude playing Mihawk. Goddamn he's so fun. MVP.

For the straw hats, I would say that Usopp feels the closest to manga version, and Luffy feels the most distant from it. But I don't dislike this, and I think the actor for Luffy has so much potential to really make the role his own.

It will never be "just like" the manga and anime, but that's ok! It's a new adaptation (in live action) made by people you can tell loves the source material and really really tried to make it work! I respect that, and I respect this show. Please watch it on Netflix! It's a fun and silly time, just like it should be!

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Thirty One Days of Horror Movies! Day Fifteen :D

Scream!

When a series of brutal murders strike the town of Woodsboro, all of them carried out by a ghost-mask wearing killer with a taste for horror movies and a love of taunting the victims before he strikes, high schooler Sydney finds herself and her friends being targeted...while at the same time suspecting that the killer might well be one of them

Some classic slasher movie goodness for today, with the film that's often credited with reviving the genre

Many sequels and "homages" later, the original film is still an entertainingly meta gory little romp, with its tongue in cheek riffing on the tropes of the genre, the iconic look and voice it gave to the movies knife wielding murder mascot and a solid cast making this a fun entry into the world of slasher films

While it might not be as original as when it first came out, this still makes for a fun watch for Halloween month <3

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: The Worst Duke in London by Amalie Howard

4/5. Releases 9/24/24.

vibes: 10 Things I Hate About You, weird crunchy heroines, Big virgin heroes, sex deals

Heat Index: 7/10

The rather slimy Lord Huntingdon wishes to court Viola--but Viola can't be courted until her rather odd and aloof sister, Evangeline (sometimes known as Effie) is courted as well. That's where Gage, the completely broke new Duke of Vale, comes in. Huntingdon offers him a deal: if Gage courts Evangeline, Huntingdon will settle the debts Gage's late brother left behind. It seems easy enough. What Gage didn't expect was Evangeline's prickly nature--or, that when she did warm up to him, she'd offer a deal of her own. Sexual exploration with no strings attached? It sounds great to her. But Gage might not be able to keep himself from falling...

Obviously, this is a 10 Things I Hate About You retelling. I actually don't like that movie; after a somewhat more recent rewatch, I realized that it super isn't for me. Fortunately, this book is a lot more fun, with a much more endearing heroine (who is a weirdo, yes, but not an asshole) and a hero who basically falls headlong.

This is very much a romcom--and probably the most antihistorical of this series thus far (more on that later) which isn't a bad thing. It fully embraces its roots while dialing the heat up a good bit and throwing in some rather zany hijinks that you can really only get in a historical romance.

Is it perfect? Not quite--the pacing is a bit off to me, which leads to a pretty rushed finale. There isn't ever any major reason why our hero and heroine can't be together (I mean, at least none that she's aware of). But the book is a solid romp, and it's QUITE sexy. In fact, I would say that the sex is the best part of the novel, which is a compliment. This is a refreshingly sex positive book, and while Gage and Evangeline obviously fall in love (and fall hard) there's never any sense that either of them should feel any type of way about having casual sex for the sake of it. And they're both virgins!

Quick Takes:

--To go back to that antihistorical thing... While I wouldn't say any books in this series have been accurate or cared to be, this one felt less so? That's not a critique. I sincerely don't care about historical accuracy, as long as the writing and story is good. This did push it a bit, to the point that I felt like it was trying a bit hard. But for the most part, I found it funny, and I look forward to the handwringing over everything.

--There's a rather fabulous author's note in which Howard details the history of sexual education and pleasure for women of bygone eras, especially those we typically see depicted as repressed sex haters in certain historical romance novels. I loved every bit of it, and I so appreciate the resources!

--Briar and Lushing have always been the couple I was most excited to see, and the set up we got here has me even more hyped.

--Evangeline is truly an odd girl, and Gage is absolutely about it. Her obsession with animals led to some super funny moments--Gage is covered with kittens and rescues lambs and plays with her dog, and she is so horny she could SCREAM.

--Gage claims to be English versus Scottish (because his dad is English; his mother is very much Scottish, and he loves Scotland) but from the moment we're told that he's Big as Fuck, it's clear that he's a classic Scottish historical romance hero. Evangeline is all too happy to have him in a kilt.

The Sex:

Like I said earlier--the sex scenes in this book, as well as the way sex is discussed, are really the standouts. Gage and Evangeline have great chemistry. There's a real playfulness to their dynamic fairly early on, and this doesn't let up in the bedroom. Both Gage and Evangeline are virgins, and there isn't much dithering or concern over why he's chosen to abstain (somewhat--I mean, he clearly did STUFF). It's just a thing, and it does lead to a first penetrative sex scene that's rather funny, and also rather tender.

You get some stuff we're only now started to see more of in historicals--sex toys! There's some semi-public sex. "I need you now" sex (OOOOOH I LOVED THAT SHIT). An untouched orgasm that made me read the scene twice to ensure I'd read it right. DELIGHTFUL!

If you're looking for a blithe, irreverent, and super sexy historical romcom, this is what you want. It does get a little caught up in the weeds at points, but it stays funny, and it stays hot. Which I'm certainly not mad at, personally!

Thanks to NetGalley and Forever for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[pyramidsoul]

Jeffrey Dahmer and the relationship with animals

Unlike other serial killers, Jeffrey Dahmer never found interest on harming or torturing animals. In fact, abusing animals since childhood it’s an important factor which may link to future violence towards humans. However, hurting animals wasn’t under Jeffrey Dahmer’s radar.

“We’d go out and play in the fields, run around, she was a good dog to have.” -Jeffrey Dahmer

Childhood:

Since he was a kid he showed interest in animals, having a goldfish and a turtle as pets at only 18-months-old. The mother, Joyce, remembered those moments with affection, affirming the kind relationship his boy had with the animals: “Jeff was so very gentle with the turtle”.

He also had a cat, Buffy, during the time the family was living at Pammel Court. Unfortunately, due to the father’s job, The Dahmers had to move in Bath, Ohio, and they had to be sell Buffy. It was at that time, at age 7, that Dahmer was given a puppy to help distract him from the recent move. He named the puppy Frisky, she was a lovely black and white dog, and Jeffrey was very close to her.

Also around that time Jeffrey’s brother, David , was born. He loved his brother, yet he loved his dog more, as Joyce recalled: “…More adjusting for Jeff, but he loves Davy and is good to him. Frisky comes first in his heart, though. They really romp and play”. Jeffrey spent time playing and running out the camps with the dog.

Jeffrey Dahmer and a cat, possibly Buffy

Around age two or three, a curious fact had happened. His father was riding his bicycle with Jeffrey seated on the handlebars, when Jeffrey spotted what looked like a ball of dust (in the eyes of Lionel). Curious and pointing at it, Jeffrey encouraged the father to come closer, when Lionel noticed it was a baby nighthawk which had fallen from the nest. With Jeffrey’s urging, Lionel took the little bird at home and raised it with Jeffrey on his side. At the beginning they nursed it feeding it a mixture of milk and corn syrup, to switch with solid food later once the bird became strong enough. It almost became a pet, and a name was given: “Dusty”. “It was almost like a pet. It would come back when you called it, eat out of your hand and stuff like that.” Joyce said. When the bird grew and became stronger, it was ready to be released. It was Lionel who cradled it and took it outside, and when he opened the hand the bird flew away. It was a delightful moment, and all the three members of the family were happy.

Around age seven or eight instead, the first violent act of the child showed up. Jeffrey developed a certain fondness for the assistant teacher at school, and so he decided to give her a present. It was an innocent child gesture, a naive gift, but significant for little Jeffrey. He caught a bowl of tadpoles in a stream nearby a school where the family was used to go, to give them to the teacher as a sign of affection. Unfortunately after some time he would’ve found out the bowl was given to his friend Lee. He felt betrayed and as a sign of revenge he sneaked into Lee’s house garage (where the tadpoles were kept) and killed the animals pouring motor oil into their water.

“It stood about as tall as this table, short fur, looked like a Doberman, real friendly dog. My dog was chasing it into the street and this car came by and both dogs were together, right next to each other, and that car slammed into the big dog and just missed mine by that much. Boy, did I feel lucky.”

Dahmer remembering an episode with Frisky and the dog of his neighbours

Adolescence:

During adolescence he focused on his single hobby, started years before. At first he began watching and starring animals, such as snakes, toads, crabs, turtles, fish and wild rabbits. When living in Bath, Ohio, Jeffrey spent a great amount of time in a hut next to the house, collecting rests of animals. There was a skeletons collection, with the rests of squirrels, birds and chipmunks, and there was a jars collection with insects inside in formaldehyde. He even had a graveyard outside where he buried the dead animals.

However, his interest grew more and more, and it evolved in road-kills interest: he picked up dead animals in the streets, which were invested by cars, bringing them home. He was interested on the “mechanics” of the inside, and he wanted to know how it “worked”. He cut them open down the front, exposing the innards. Still, none of the animals were alive during the process, as he picked up dead creatures specifically. He usually found foxes, opossums, cats, raccoons and dogs. One of the dogs he found was very large, and after he brought it home as his usual, he waited for the skin to rot off to collect the bones later then. Another one was a Beagle, and after examining the insides, he grabbed the skull of the creature, putting it on a pole. Curiously, another time again, a chilling fact occurred, when he kidnapped a dog of a neighbour with the intent of killing it. He didn’t find the courage to do so after watching at the dog, and so he freed it. There’s also been one time in school where he stole the feral pig from the biology laboratory, taking it home and once in the garage, he removed the skin and flesh and kept the skull of the pig.

When in highschool, Jeffrey Dahmer shared a friendship with a certain Jeff Six, another student of the Revere High School. The friendship wasn’t deep at all, and it required no specific commitment. It was with him that Jeffrey spent some time in his car. Unfortunately, Six had a weird sadistic habit which Jeffrey didn’t like at all. While on the road, if a dog was spotted, Six would speed up to hit the animal. “His big thrill was to find a dog that was walking in the road and speed up real fast and hit it. It just amazed me. In one day he went through four dogs. How many dogs just walked into the road in front of him . . . He’d speed up real fast and just tick them off.” Dahmer said subsequently. One time in particular marked Dahmer quite a lot, when Six hit a little puppy, and when the latter looked back and Dahmer noticed his terrified eyes, he insisted to stop the car so he could go away, sickened by these acts.

The dog’s skull on a pole

Jeffrey Dahmer never killed an animal himself. It is frequently the case that people who grow into multiple murderers have evolved from sadistic children, and cruelty to animals in childhood is a common characteristic shared among them. Dahmer’s case is different in this regard as in most others. He displayed no cruelty, and was not interested in watching an animal suffer or react to pain.

- The Shrine of Jeffrey Dahmer

Adult life:

When living with his grandmother in West Allis, Wisconsin, he took care of the grandma’s cat, Jody, who liked. Jeffrey expressed his love for cats even with his neighbours, Vernell and Pamela Bass, when he saw their cat on their apartment. “He was very impressed when he saw our cat walk out of the bedroom picking her up and saying he liked cats a lot.” Vernell explained. Douglas Jackson, downstairs neighbor, also stated he was used to see Dahmer in the backyard smoking cigarettes or drinking beers surrounded by cats, which followed him wherever he went.

As he moved in his own apartment in Milwaukee, Apt 213 at 924 North 25th Street, he allowed himself to get a fish tank. It was a 30-gallon aquarium bought from The Fish Factory, a fish shop where he would usually wander around admiring the variety of fishes there, from their colours to their shapes. He was so fascinated indeed, so much that when he got caught they found books about fish care in his apartment. “It was nice, with African cichlids and tiger barbs in it and live plants, it was a beautifully kept fish tank, very clean . . . I used to like to just sit there and watch them swim around, basically. I used to enjoy the planning of the set-up, the filtration, read about how to keep the nitrate and ammonia down to safe levels and just the whole spectrum of fish-keeping interested me.” Dahmer said. He was so enthusiastic about trigger fish and puffer fish as well. He reminded the time when he saw the puffer fish in the store with enthusiasm: “I once saw some puffer fish in the store. It’s a round fish, and the only ones I ever saw with both eyes in front, like a person’s eyes, and they would come right up to the front of the glass and their eyes would be crystal blue, like a person’s, real cute.”. This was a very precious hobby for Dahmer, and after his arrest he would recall his aquarium moments with nostalgia, missing them.

Jeffrey and Jody at grandmother’s house in 1990.

“The cat's doing fine. She always wants to be brushed."

Jeff nodded.

"You know how she likes that."

"Yeah."

"She's always trying to be brushed," I said. "Remember how you used to do it?"

He stared at me silently.

- Excerpt From A Father's Story

Sources: The Shrine of Jeffrey Dahmer - Brian Masters; A Father’s Story - Lionel Dahmer; Across The Hall - Vernell Bass; Step into My Parlor - Edward Baumann; My Friend Dahmer - Derf Backderf

[jjs-brainrot]

Alright, finally finished all the anime I was keeping up with for the Summer 2024 Anime season that isn't continuing into the Fall season (Oshi no Ko S2 technically has 1 more episode but my opinion on it isn't going to change at this point).

I was originally thinking this would be a pretty slow season, but I ended up with way more shows that I was obsessed with then I was expecting. My only complaint was it seemed like the majority of shows I was keeping up with this season just got ignored a lot of the general anime community.

Like that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely felt weird being one of only a handful of people actually hyping up a bunch of the shows that I felt were the best this season had to offer.

A-Tier (Shows that I became obsessed with and were the highlight of my week)

VTuber Legend: Easily the best and most unhinged yuri this season. Will be the gold standard that all future VTuber anime projects will have to be compared to.

Mayonaka Punch: Vampire x Cancelled Youtber yuri. An absolute romp every single week right up to the end. Another strong addition to P.A. Works' collection.

Dungeon People: Another strong contender for the "how would a fantasy dungeon actually work?" sub-genre that's starting to form. Only instead of an ecosystem, it's a work place this time. Also has some strong max level wizard x high level rogue yuri.

B-Tier (Good shows that I can definitely recommend giving a try)

The Fable: A pretty solid yakuza/hitman crime drama/comedy. Definitely much more emphasis on the drama then the comedy but it was consistently good drama.

My Deer Friend Nokotan: Deer girl doing deer things the anime. Humor could be extremely hit-or-miss and it veered more into being weird for the sake of being weird a lot of the time. That's not really a bad thing exactly (I've definitely enjoyed my fair share of "lolrandom" anime over the years), but the swerves were starting to get a bit tiresome by the end.

Oshi no Ko S2: Yup, that was Oshi no Ko. I don't honestly have much to say about it tbh. I enjoyed it enough that I kept watching it every week and would be down for a third season, but I also barely remember half of what happened this season.

C-Tier (shows I liked but were very flawed)

Plus-Sized Elf: If you're looking for an ecchi about bbw fantasy race ladies moving around with their tits frequently out, this is the anime for you. The only thing that really held it back for me was the half length episodes.

Quality Assurance in Another World: Video game QA testers getting isekaied. A neat concept and had some fun ideas but the pacing was just bizarre and frequently left arcs feeling unfinished before moving on to the next ones.

(S)pecial-Tier (For series that I've already read the source material. Can be either positive (+) or negative (-).)

Sengoku Youko (+) (continuing into next season): While the quality has been more up and down compared to season 1, it's still been a solid adaptation so far.

Spice and Wolf S1 (+): Another excellent adaptation of Spice and Wolf. We'll have wait until next season to start getting into more books not covered by the first anime, but I am happy we finally got book 3 in anime form.

(D)ropped/DNF/Do not Recommend Tier (only counting anime I've watched 6+ episodes of)

Nothing

[foxofninetales]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love!

Thank you (and all the others who tagged me) for this ask!

It was so hard deciding! I still don't know that these are my favorites, but they were the ones that spoke to me as I was scanning my list of works.

Gunpowder and Ink, (DMBJ) but very specifically the ficlet where Wu Xie and Pangzi meet for the first time, In Which Something Lost Is Found and Something Unexpected Is Recovered, which is a glorious romp involving vaguely Regency-era shenanigans, mistaken identities, and okay maybe a tiny bit of arson. This is VERY specifically written with the TLT2 versions of these characters in mind, and I'm very pleased with how the characterizations came out. Plus, possibly the best opening sentence I have ever written.

Hold Me Fast, Let Me Not Go (DMBJ, KanSang) I love a fairytale rewrite, and I especially love a good Tam Lin story. This one was written in a single day after I saw this piece of art from @psychic-waffles and went a little bit mad. Kan Jian's solid, earthy perspective is such a perfect lens for this story, in such contrast with the wild, unearthly beauty of the fey.

Unreliable Narration (DMBJ, Liu Sang + the Iron Triangle) Beyond characters and plot and setting, writing is about the joy of words and all the delightful acts of sleight-of-prose that you can accomplish with them. I'd had this idea in my head for a while before I felt I'd grown enough as a writer to attempt it. My goal was to create a story that was as satisfying on the second read as the first, and I think I managed it. The third paragraph from the end is one of my favorite pairs of sentences I've ever written. Plus, whump!

Where the Heart Is (DMBJ, Liu Sang, Wang Meng/Wushanju) This was another of those story ideas that had lived with me for a long time before I finally wrote it. I just really love the concept at the heart of this fic, and how different this familiar world is when viewed from another perspective and on another timescale.

Cabbages and Kings (Liu Sang + the Iron Triangle) Sometimes in exchanges you draw the perfect recipient to write a story that will resonate with both of you, and @dinomight was mine. I wonder if this will ever stop being my favorite of all the things I've written. There is so much of my heart in here: comfort, and home, and cats, that time of year when the world begins wrapping itself in winter, and finding a place where you can be loved for who you are. So much of writing this was trusting the story: most of the worldbuilding just spilled onto the page without conscious thought. I also really enjoyed using this particular writing voice - wry and thoughtful and very aware of the tiny beauties of the mundane.

Bonus mentions: The Language of Flour for teaching me that I could write humor, and Intersection for teaching me that I could write at all.