#hammer horror-a-thon

[centaurianthropology]

Victor Frankenstein (1957): The Could-Have-Been Tumblr Sexyman

Tonight I watched 'The Curse of Frankenstein', the first of the Hammer Horror Frankenstein series, and all I could think was that if this film had come out more recently than the late 1950s, Victor Frankenstein (Peter Cushing) would have been the absolute lust object of the best and most unhinged Tumblr-goers.

Look at this man. He is elegant, he has a thousand great Victorian-era outfits. He has cheekbones for days and pretty blue eyes. He's tall and thin as a rail. He exudes a palpable aura of superiority and bitchiness at all times.

GIF Credit: @doctor-frankenstoned

GIF credit: @docandbat

GIF credit: @theolikeworld

But all this gentlemanliness is a facade, barely covering the feral wet-possum-man hidden underneath. He's twitchy, he's weird. He has absolutely crazy blue eyes. He's obsessed with SCIENCE.

GIF credit: @petercushings

GIF credit: @jihyo-x

He's committed unspeakable crimes! So many crimes, and is constantly one scene away from being roughed up (mostly choked, because I swear the director of this movie had a thing about Peter Cushing getting choked by Christopher Lee ... it happens a lot).

GIF credit: @theolikeworld

GIF credit: @petercushings

GIF credit: @atomic-chronoscaph

He is absolutely, undeniably a freak and a monsterfucker.

He would be cancelled a thousand times. He is the absolute worst. A terrible human being. He would be so many people's Problematic Fave(TM). He would have so many Tumblr-goers cheering on his crimes and hoping he gets worse. And he would! For multiple slutty, slutty sequels.

GIF credit: @lonelyzarquon

GIF credit: @lonelyzarquon

And he was played by a genuinely sweet actor who adored his wife, liked painting miniatures, and was very open about being best friends for life with his looming, 6'5" oft-costar (who another large chunk of Tumblr would be absolutely feral about, but that's another story for another day).

Truly one of the great losses of the passage of time (and the fact that the Hammer Horror flicks really do take a certain sort of taste to actually enjoy), is that Peter Cushing's Frankenstein doesn't get his moment as the Tumblr It Girl of some fabulously-dressed, unhinged, crime-filled, bitchy Halloween season.

[danpuff-ao3]

Another May, another Snarry-a-Thon: the best time of year! (Also happens to be my birthday month, which makes it all the more special!) The Snarry community is so full of creative, generous, and supportive folks which always makes for a great event! Plus...more Snarry in the world! :D

This fest has been so meaningful to me over the years, and in celebration of another fest wrapped up, I've compiled a list of some of my favorites! This year had lots of goodies, so make sure to check out the rest of the collection, too!: Snarry-a-Thon 2023 (and the Master List on DW!)

Info: The Want of You, by Ephemeral (@fleetingdesires) Rated: E. Words: 7,337. 8th year. Student/teacher. Clubbing.

Summary:

On his night off, Severus unexpectedly realises that Harry has grown into quite an attractive man. He's just not going to think too hard about it. No, he's not going to think about him at all. It's fine. He's fine. Everything is fine.

Read for: a fun & sexy time.

Quote:

"Merlin, Snape, why was that so hot?" "Because you like breaking rules, and I broke them for the want of you."

Info: My Soul to Keep, by catharticEscapism (@catharticescapism.) Rated: E. Words: 4,027. Fat Harry. Internalized fat phobia. Fat acceptance. Body image & self-esteem. Past child abuse. Bottom!Snape. Fluff & smut.

Summary:

Harry is self-conscious about his weight gain after the war, and Severus reassures him that he’s loved just the way he is.

Read for: heartwarming & wholesome lovemaking.

Quote:

“I have great regard for your body. There is little I enjoy as much as having the opportunity to lay my hands on you.”

Info: Luck of the Draw, by Writcraft (@writcraft.) Rated: E. Words: 11,857. Getting together. Gay bar. Drag queens. Hiking. Minor injuries. Paddington the dog.

Summary:

Severus is enjoying the quiet life when his participation in a Ministry raffle forces him to go on a date with Harry Potter. During a weekend filled with drag queens, hiking, a twisted ankle and a dog named Paddington, Severus begins to wonder if the quiet life is really all it’s cracked up to be.

Read for: humor & fluff

Quote:

Severus has always loved deeply, jealously, greedily. Even if it is utter madness to think of love and Potter in the same breath, now the fire has started Severus knows it is futile to attempt to resist the kind of yearning he believed long since buried.

Info: Nocturne, by NecromanticNoir (@necromanticnoir.) Rated: E. Words: 54,090. Creature fic. Mystery & romance. Fairytale & horror. Angst & feels. Mutual pining. Dark magic.

Summary:

A Gothic Snarry version of ‘Beauty and the Beast’, inspired by the dark and sensual tale from the Czech film version, ‘Panna a Netvor’. I follow some of the plot, but then diverge and do my own thing. Got to make it even weirder, right? An eerie, erotic, brooding, bloody, batty, haunting fairytale.

Read for: erotic fairytales & dark romance.

Quote:

Severus knows he should not watch in secret - but there, through the window - oh, merciful heavens… The young man is bathing, in the large hammered-copper tub, his skin pale as moonbeams. All around the tub, candles burn; a hundred tiny flickering flames. Severus draws closer to the window, mesmerised. The bath water is white, sprinkled with flower petals and herbs of some kind, perhaps rosemary… The water seems to sparkle; the boy bathes in liquid moonshine.  Severus draws nearer still, and he beholds creamy skin - a pale shoulder, like marble. He is watching a rare creature; a unicorn, bathing in pure enchantment…

Info: old fires and phantom limbs, by LilaDiurne (@liladiurne.) Rated: E. Words: 14,514. 2nd person POV + present tense. Severus POV. Minor Harry/OMC. Exes to lovers. Heartache. Angst with a happy ending.

Summary:

A long moment passes. And then he steps out of the shadows of the surrounding shops and into the bright sunlight, walking up to you. "You came back," you say bluntly, unable to look away. "Yeah." He shuffles his feet a bit, slips his hands in his pockets in such a familiar way that a pang of deep fondness strikes through your chest. "Last week," he adds. It seems impossible that he would have been back in the country for days and you wouldn't have sensed it somehow. How could his presence not send shockwaves all the way to Spinner's End? How could you not know, in your heart of hearts, the instant that he returned?

Read for: poetic prose & immense emotion.

Quote:

The passers-by come and go around you, shuffling about on the street this way and that, oblivious to your predicament, your dilemma. They did not feel the earthquake, they did not see your life crumbling. They do not know that your polished countenance is truly in shambles, held together with worn pieces of twine.

Info: Loose Ends, by Arrisha (@arrisha-ao3.) Rated: E. Words: 9,856. Heavy angst. Trauma. Mystery. Romance.

Summary:

I love you, Severus wants to say. But the timing is never right.

Read for: emotional devastation and/or you need to cry and the tears need help.

Quote:

He never doubted that the boy loved him. But something deeper, darker, lurked underneath. Harry was broken. The war had broken him, and Severus was all he had.

~~ BONUS: Shameless Shelf Rec ~~

Info: Devotion, by danpuff. Rated: E. Words: 25,843. Postwar. Background Hinny. Minor Severus/others. Cheating. Mental health issues. Angst. Unhealthy relationship. Ambiguous/open ending.

Summary:

Is there anything more undignified than needing someone so much?

Read for: all of my Snarry feels.

Quote:

The light of him transforms Spinner’s End. In the way of dreams, every wall is familiar and strange. Every book, every shelf in its place. The sofa is still lumpy, the lights still dim. The wallpaper still peels at the edges. The colors are changed. Just a shade off, he thinks. The air is crisp. Sweet and fresh as an apple. Cold and biting as a winter breeze. Harry is the soft warmth of a flickering flame. The heavy heat of a raging inferno. He is the blazing sun. The harsh light beneath which nothing can hide, and nothing survives.

[collectorscorner]

CC Blogger - New Arrivals @ Collectors Corner : Wednesday 6/23/21

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, ARMarvel’s Voices Pride #1 (Cover J Phil Jimenez Pride Month Virgin Variant

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[rvxen]

OCTOBER HORROR-O-THON 8: HALLOWEEN ATE MY BRAIN

once again, i’m gonna binge on horror movies throughout October! Here are the one’s I’ve seen so far, plus my brief reviews.

THE LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES (1974) Hammer Films teams up with the Shaw Brothers to bring you Peter Cushing reprising his role as Van Helsing, vampire hunter and sworn enemy to Dracula, visiting China with his son to rap with the local scholars about the bloodsuckers. No one believes him except for 8 Kung Fu Masters who wish to return to their ancestral village and destroy the 7 Golden Vampires (Kung Fu Vampires sporting golden bat bling) which has been plaguing the village for a long time. Plus, Dracula has changed his shape (mostly because Christopher Lee declined to reprise his role as the Prince of Darkness) and is helping out his Eastern brethren. Played straight and respectfully, it’s a great film filled with some awesome martial arts mastery and classic gothic horror!

ISLAND OF LOST SOULS (1932) Arguably the best film adaptation of H.G. Wells’ ‘Island of Doctor Moreau’, this film has some great make-up effects and lines that would go on to inspire the band DEVO with the line ‘ARE WE NOT MEN?” (On that note, did you know that director Paul Thomas Anderson’s dad was a horror host called ‘Ghoulardi’ in Ohio which members of DEVO watched while they were teens?) The Criterion Collection edition has an interview with DEVO members and a short film/music video they made in 1976! And if you ever need an example of the word ‘lithe’, the Panther Woman in this movie will help you out. Also, there’s no jumping around in this island’s House of Pain... mostly just pain and fur.

SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (1939) I’ve got to get something off my chest: I really, REALLY, despise the Universal Frankenstein movies. They are SO BORING and SO CONTRITE that I feel ripped off and angry at the end of each one I’ve suffered thru. One good thing I can say about them? The sets are weird and from some German Expressionist nightmare. The sets have more presence than the actors. In this film, after waking up from a ‘coma’ because he was zapped by lightning before the start of the film, Frankenstein's Monster begins staging clever murders (like, c’mon, he can’t talk but he knows how to make a death look like an accident?) for the pleasure of Ygor. Meanwhile Basil Rathborne as the eponymous Son chews the scenery as a distraction for the village idiots who, I bet you’ll never guess, decide to storm the castle! Ygor gets plugged, and Frankie gets pushed into a vat of chocolate or something and dies Terminator 2 style. I tried watching THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN but thankfully the dvd died, itself tired of replaying what was surely going to be more utter banality.

TOWER OF LONDON (1962) It’s not Halloween without Vincent Price. Fortunately, he was in several billion films which we can enjoy, especially his collaborations with Roger Corman. This was actually a film created by Roger and his brother Gene and it’s a tight piece of Shakespeare as a faithful adaptation of Richard III. Vincent plays the mad king as he slaughters his family to get to the crown, quickly going mad as they haunt him at every turn. He also has some of the best sluggish yet startled reactions whenever he starts to slide down the sanity pole.

THE HAUNTED PALACE (1963) Roger and Vincent worked on a handful of Poe adaptations and so as not to get stale, Roger pitched the idea of a Poe-ish adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Curious Case of Charles Dexter Ward, and it was surprisingly accepted. Price is a sorcerer who curses a small New England town as he’s being burned alive. Flash-forward, his descendent, who looks exactly like the sorcerer, inherits the house and becomes possessed by his progenitor. Lon Chaney shows up as his loyal goon and they get back to their ghastly business involving a fishman, young ladies, and the Necronomicon. Angry village mob ensues. Worth it for the make-up and creepiness of the mutated villagers and a great score throughout the film

THE BROOD (1979) Having watched SHIVERS and RABID last year, I continue down the crooked and fleshy trail of David Cronenberg’s body of work with THE BROOD. Apparently released at the same year as a racecar movie he directed (which I assume is about people who transform slowly, bodily, and viscously into vehicles and then racing them), this film was inspired by David’s custody battle with his first wife. After watching this film, you can say his feelings towards his ex weren’t, uh, pleasant. Up in Canada, a dad tries to wrest control of his daughter while the mother is sequestered away at the Somafree Psychoplasmic Institute under the study of a charismatic Doctor. And then the demon children show up in their late-70s snowsuits a-murderin’. Oliver Reed, Art Hindle, and Samantha Eggers star alongside grade-school gymnasts (fact!) in this film that if you work with kids or are currently going thru a custody battle, you may want to avert your eyes.

[spicynbachili1]

Steam Halloween Sale Picks | Rock Paper Shotgun

As we plunge into the top of Skeleton Appreciation Month, we enter Gross sales Season, a much more perilous time for anybody with poor impulse management. Steam’s inevitable Halloween sale is now stay, and whereas it’s not as sweeping in scale because the inevitable Christmas discount-a-thon due in December, there’s some good offers. You may see the official sale web page right here with horror, zombie and vampire collections, plus some extra extra obscure, private picks under. The sale is stay now, and lasts till November 1st.

Everybody is aware of about Darkest Dungeon and Vampyr, so right here’s a number of extra obscure video games that (principally) match the Halloween profile. Put together for loss of life by a thousand cuts into your free time.

Golden Krone Lodge by Vulgat – £2.79/€three.99/$three.99

A intelligent little hammer horror roguelike. When you would possibly begin out as a human, you’ll undoubtedly find yourself as a werewolf or vampire with restricted management, and have to juggle your (usually unwillingly) shifting type. Easy controls and methods allow you to concentrate on the large issues, like one second being an ideal shadow-lurking predator, and the subsequent second you’re blind as a bat and scurrying for daylight to guard you from the issues you understand are bumping round in the dead of night. Easy pixel graphics match the easy methods, however there’s lots of intelligent tactical challenges right here.

Zombie Night time Terror by Noclip – £1.49/€1.94/$1.94.

It’s Lemmings, however with zombies and tongue wedged firmly in cheek. For some purpose, not too many individuals tried imitating DMA designs’s traditional puzzler collection. Maybe as a result of the sequels already hit the purpose of diminishing returns? Both approach, Noclip have resurrected the components with some enjoyable twists. Taking part in because the unseen overmind of a mutating zombie swarm, you’ve bought to puzzle your minions from A to B whereas consuming as many brains as doable and getting as few zombos shot as you’ll be able to. It’s good enjoyable, and bought a free enlargement and degree editor after launch too.

Tokyo Twilight Ghost Hunters Dawn: Particular Gigs by Toybox – £1.74/€2.49/$2.49

Nicely, that’s a title and a half. And one other half. A guarded suggestion, however this one is simply too bizarre, inventive and low-cost to not give a shout-out. A weird hybrid of visible novel, RPG, squad ways and mini-game compilation with the only most baffling dialogue system since Captain Blood. Oh, and it’s mainly Ghostbusters as filtered by way of fashionable Japanese folklore. Lead a squad of mismatched oddball paranormal investigators round Japan, zapping spooks, yelling at ghosts and choosing the ‘lick’ dialogue motion 90% of the time as a result of it’s hilarious.

Pathologic Basic HD and The Void by Ice-Decide Lodge �� $zero.99/1.29/$1.29 and £2.09/€2.99/$2.99 respectively

Two comparable however wildly totally different simulations of crushing existential dread from Ice-Decide Lodge. Pathologic Basic is a re-translated remaster of the marginally surreal plague survival sim. The upcoming remake/sequel remains to be in improvement and there’s a public alpha construct permitting you to poke round it, however the authentic is totally different sufficient to be value attempting. The Void is extra summary, and extra historically harmful and tough. Save usually in a number of slots, don’t be afraid to just accept defeat, and benefit from the gorgeously darkish artwork, even when the tech supporting it’s getting a bit creaky.

Monolith by Group D-13 £2.79/three.99/$three.99

Solely barely spooky, however there’s sufficient ghouls, ghosts and skulls attempting to homicide you with bullets to make it related. If The Binding Of Isaac is half roguelike, half shooter, then twin-stick roguelike shmup Monolith’s ratio is nearer to 1:9. Whereas the maps are randomly generated and your encounters and the weapons you’ll use are shuffled every time, ability and precision beats luck any day of the week. Sharp pixels, big replay worth (the true ending takes a number of wins), catchy music and nice bosses. Evidently Group D-13 are engaged on an enlargement, too. Learn extra right here.

Glittermitten Grove, aka Frog Fractions 2 – by Principally Tigerproof (actually Twinbeard) –  £6/€eight/$eight

Okay, this one is dishonest and never spooky in any respect, until nu-metal band Korn weirds you out on some weird degree. It’s humorous although, and good, and completely definitely worth the discounted value. Whereas weirdly compelling in its personal proper, fairy town-management sport Glittermitten Grove is only a crafty facade for a much more weird journey. Simply dig down, knock on the door and put together for puzzles, ZZT nostalgia, mini-games and the fourth wall getting kicked down, smashed right into a fantastic powder after which snorted for max boggle-eyed impact. Play the Flash authentic right here first.

So, there’s a handful to get you began. You may hear it already, can’t you? – the hole rasping of your checking account, dry and decrepit, praying for mercy to a merciless and uncaring universe. Spoopy.

  from SpicyNBAChili.com http://spicymoviechili.spicynbachili.com/steam-halloween-sale-picks-rock-paper-shotgun/

[iwantmystery]

‪Today’s early #movie/the next installment in my #October #HorrorMovies watch-a-thon is The Gorgon! The first Hammer movie I ever saw. I love the Universal Monster films but the mood & color in these Hammer #Horror films made a lifelong impression. ‬

[better-than-sleeping]

A Friend in the Walls

Uh, where was my body hidden again? ...The basement? Or was it attic? One of those two, but I avoid going in either, for obvious reasons. I mean, very few people want to see their own corpse and I definitely don’t fall into that category.

It’s fun to drop in on people, see how they’re doing. It keeps me from getting bored and I think I’m kind of lucky in a way, that I exist somewhere with lots of people. Don’t worry though! I know what you’re probably thinking- “hey, if ghosts are real then what if they’ve seen me naked? Or taking a dump!?” Or maybe that’s just what I’d be thinking if I were in your situation. I try my best to give everyone their privacy when it comes to stuff like pooping or getting changed, though I can’t vouch for ALL ghosts, so you should probably stay on your toes. You might have some kind of toilet voyeur with you.

Anyway, when you’re a spirit your whole existence is kinda bitter sweet, with most of that sweetness coming from the people around you. Which is why I want to tell you about them. My residents.

On the top floor is Mr Archman who’s in his thirties (or forties maybe) and all I’d ever hear from his apartment was bang, bang, bang like some loud-ass metronome. I don’t know how long I’ve been gone for, but he still hasn’t stopped his constant hammering, so of course that’s the first place I check out when I realised I could go just about anywhere in the building. And you know what he was doing? Putting up pictures. The walls are almost completely covered with framed photographs and the main theme seems to be “old”. Every one of them is a black and white picture of people; people standing in groups, on the beach, in singles, pairs, any combination or place really. But there’s always people. They don’t have to be smiling or looking at the camera- so long as there’s a person, it seems to be good enough for Mr Archmans’ wall. None of the pictures are of his family.

I wonder what he’ll do when he runs out of space?

Honestly, whenever he’s putting another nail in the wall, a part of me hopes the next picture will be a new one. One of him at a party or something. Sometimes his mouth makes this small straight line, the hammering gets harder- bang, BANG, BANG – and then it all leaves him at once. He’s just left with a blank look in his eyes.

This was why I started to make tea for him, I mean, I can’t get my hands corporeal for long enough to actually MAKE the tea yet, but I get out his favourite mug and put the kettle on. The sound of it turning off snaps him out of it and nowadays he isn’t even confused about whether he switched it on or not. I feel a bit better about myself when I see the calm look on his face.

Today I just watch him for a while like a creep, then when he’s done putting up another frame he vanishes into his bedroom before reappearing briefly on his way out the door. And so I’m left alone without really feeling alone. Being in his flat is kind of like standing in front of a crowd of people, most of whom are silently staring at you. So basically a nightmare, huh?  

I leave pretty quickly.

*

Next floor down is Ms Ward and her baby Matthew. She argues with Mr Archman about the noise a lot, since it wakes up the baby who’ll cry and cry without stopping. Poor thing. Both of them. She must drop the baby off somewhere then pick him up after work and its gone 8pm by the time they get back and her nails aren’t even there anymore, she’s bitten them into dust.

Despite the fog of worry that seems to hang around the place, I do enjoy this floor. Matthew- he’s the only one who’s looked at me since I left, the only person who can see me. Granted, when I first came to visit I think I frightened him a bit, I don’t really know what I look like to him, so maybe I’m all dark and ghosty and child-frightening now. After a few visits he was more comfortable around me though, which is why I started to take the liberty of calming him down when he has one of his cry-a-thons. Ol’ Matty can’t be picked up by me since he’s alive, the most I can do is rock his cradle a bit. Ms Ward walked in on me doing it once which must have looked like some real horror movie shit. I almost found it funny, but couldn’t really bring myself to do a ghost laugh with her making that face. She’s one of the two who’re certain the place is haunted. Ha. Now I feel kinda guilty remembering how on edge she must feel with me around. I wanted to disappear when I saw that look on her face… but that was a while ago now. I think that it’s worth being here if I can make peoples’ lives a bit easier.

No good ideas on getting her to think I’m friendly so far- I had the terrible idea of drawing a smiley face on the mirror while she was in the shower, but the condensation made it look like it was crying and bleeding from the mouth, so I rather hastily wiped it off before she could be traumatised any further.

She actually has more in common with Mr Archman than they know because her place is packed with books on every possible surface. They’re stacked all over the floor too, so they make a mini woodland pathway through her home, and I can’t wait to start hacking my way into them! Slowly I’m getting better at holding things, so once I can start reading that’ll be an instant tonic for boredom. Sleep isn’t really a thing for me, so it gets super tedious once everyone’s gone to bed. Ms Ward has a bunch of different genres, but her collection is mostly what I’m assuming is her favourite- thriller mysteries.

Wait, shouldn’t she be a bit more desensitised to creepy stuff if that’s what she’s always got her nose in? Or maybe that’s WHY she’s so tense- most of the books have some frankly unsettling covers. You can’t shift your gaze without it landing on a detective being garrotted or something.

When I drop in today they aren’t at home, so instead I spend about half an hour trying to pick up a book and turn the page. “Why did you take half an hour for something so simple” you may ask. Well have you ever tried to pick up something that’s just COVERED in butter? It’s kinda like that, but your hands keep shifting through planes of existence. If I still had blood vessels, I’d have a headache right now. Ugh.

Next floor!

*

Oooo, this ones Ada’s apartment, I can’t wait to tell you about her! She’s pretty old, constantly playing records of Nat King Cole, Etta James and the like. It gives quite a relaxing atmosphere really, and her place is a mix of standard old people furnishings- (she has textured wallpaper! My grandparents had some before they modernised their house, it reminds me of them)- and new age religious stuff. When I say new age I mean, like, tarot cards and crystals ‘n’ stuff so I guess she’s not that typical of an old person. More of a 50/50 split. So, Ada has these two cats (who never seem to get any more comfortable around me but whatever) that I feed whenever she forgets to. I could never leave a kitty to go hungry, even if it hisses and puffs up at me because I’m an abomination. I won’t give up on them though! Bertie only hissed at me twice when I last visited!

The majority of the time I’m down here, she’ll be chatting on the phone to a friend about her day or laughing along with the telly, and it’s good to know at least someone in this building has a social life. I get jealous, and then I just get sad because I think “is that what I could have been like?” God knows I wasn’t a social butterfly before, but what if they’d just given me time to grow into my skin? Why was that so hard?

Um, yeah… anyway. She spoke to me. One day I was standing next to her chair, she had a cat on her lap, watching tv and she goes “do you want me to change the channel?” At first I think, Ada, cats don’t care about what’s on tv, they just want to sleep and nock things off your counter.  But then she says “I know someone’s there, you come here often don’t you?” I couldn’t reply, so just waited for her to continue. “You can watch tv here whenever you like, ok?” And from then on she’s never turned off the tv when she leaves the house and when I’m standing next to her chair she says random stuff, telling me about what’s gone on in the news, how she’s feeling. It’s nice. I hadn’t felt that kind of calm belonging for a while and I desperately needed it.

Quite a while goes by as I watch tv, or more accurately, stare at the screen while I think about what I’ve been wanting to do for some time now. The cats get fed their bi weekly ‘stop hating me’ treat and I stare at the fridge magnets for the tenth time. How cliché it would be…to leave a message.

Surely she remembered talking to me when we would run into each other? Surely.

Maybe I could’ve been found by now. But no one came.

Let’s move on.

*

This one’s my old place, recently housing a new couple. Dear Sadie and Margot, I can’t really hold it against ya. It’s probably the least cockroach infested flat they have at such a low cost, so enjoy I guess. Well maybe I am a bit annoyed, but I know it’s not realistic that it should stay empty forever just because I used to live there. That’s dumb. It’s like I’m expecting the world to feel sorry for me when really it’s the world who did this to me in the first place. Not their fault. The couple that is. I’m more than happy to fling my petty feelings at some vague representation of the forces that cause things to happen.

They haven’t been here for long, so I don’t know much about them yet, except they’re loud and probably students, and they loooove each other! Also, they’re constantly jawing about something; how do they find SO much shit to talk about!? The room is sparsely furnished, but two thirds of it is filled with their noise. I suppose it’s kinda sweet though, the way they look at each other.

There isn’t anything I do for them. They have each other.

When it’s night time and they’re finally quiet, sneaking glances at each other, or when Ada says something kind and quiet, when Matthew smiles at me, when Mr Archman drinks his tea with a look of peace- that’s the closest to feeling alive I can get. But the feeling of living isn’t an entirely good one. There’s this awful burning that comes with it- I’m lovesick, in the sense that I am sick of their love. I’m sick of everything that keeps me from rest.

I don’t stay long on this floor and my presence isn’t felt by them.

*

The ground floor is another place I don’t tend to stay long in. The woman who owns it is in her 40s and lives by herself. I didn’t know anything about her while I was alive, we never talked, and I only know slightly more than nothing now I have unlimited access to the flat. She leaves early, comes home late, makes dinner, watches tv, goes to sleep…and that’s all. Her standard Ikea furniture gives away nothing. She receives no phone calls. The only thing I can guess about her life outside the apartment is that she has a daughter. On her bedside table is the only framed picture she has, one of her standing with a young woman holding a diploma. The picture itself is an odd length and stops abruptly to the right so it doesn’t quite fill the frame. Like I said, there’s usually no reason to come down here most of the time, but today I heard something out of the ordinary- a woman’s voice. I could tell that she was on the phone since she was the only person I could hear and my interest was piqued (I’m nosy).

The moment I decided to drop down into the room was where it all started to go wrong.

“What are you talking about?...No…I’m afraid I don’t…but she’s only 25! She CAN’T be…” and then, without ceremony, she ended the call. And so her face began to crack. Slowly at first, her eyes were fixed on the middle distance and that seemed to hold it back, like she needed to be fully present in the moment before she could cry. And the crying wasn’t loud and open like Matthews, she hunched over on the sofa and pressed two white-knuckled fists to her eyes, breath stuttering awkwardly through her nose. That was what really made me sad, she couldn’t even cry shamelessly in her own flat.

I know she couldn’t tell I was watching, but I’m very aware that my presence now counts as a violation of privacy by definition and that had me torn between staying or leaving. If it were me, I’d be horrified to find out someone had been watching me cry, I’d just hate that shit! But on the other hand… watching her cry made me feel sadder than I’ve been capable of feeling in a long time. The expression on her face was so raw I felt almost embarrassed to look and each shudder of her shoulders was a punch to the gut. It’s selfish to think this way, but was that how my mother looked when she found out? Did your face crumble in the same way? Could you even cry at all mum?

It was starting to get unbearable, our feelings building in a loop of positive feedback until she was howling and I was ready to break apart. I felt I had to do this now, I had to comfort her the way I wanted to comfort my own mother, tell her it’s alright. That it doesn’t hurt because I don’t remember. Before I know it I’m sitting on the sofa, my hand is solid and resting on her shoulder.

“What the fuck?” She looks around, confused but distracted in the way people get when interrupted from trying to cry out all their feelings. My hand doesn’t move and neither does she. Tentatively her own hand reaches up, and stops when it reaches my own. “Oh my god…oh my god, Hayley?”

I squeeze her shoulder.

“Hayley…Hayley…” A few more times she repeats the name between sobs, sliding off the sofa and onto her knees.

I try my best to remain corporeal as she rests her head on my lap.

“I’m sorry!” Is the last thing she says before she’s crying too hard to talk.

My form only lasts a few minutes before her head passes through me onto the sofa cushion.

I make my way toward the door, unable to comfort her any longer.

*

Times like these, I feel like I should be taking a pull on a hipflask or something, y’know? But then again, I was always real careful to not be a problem drinker when I was alive, if only to spite family tradition. Not like it’s even possible anymore either.

I’ve been thinking about Ada and using my words for a while, but I didn’t want to burden her with any... unpleasant thoughts. For a while I had myself convinced that this might be enough- but it isn’t- and that they need me- but they don’t.

Losing the big things that come with being alive hurts the most, like eating or being with friends, but do you know how weird it is- to stand close to a window on a cold day and notice the glass doesn’t fog up? Or to have the perfect joke for the tv program you’re watching, but you can’t share it? It’s a sneaky kind of loss. Not only have the small privileges that come with being alive been taken away, but their absence reminds you that you’re DEAD, over and over so you can’t forget. Bastards.

The only upside to being a ghost is you can afford to just sit in a grimy, tin can stairwell and let yourself feel. I’ve had plenty of time to feel contemplative without really thinking. “Thinking can come later” I told myself, but the thoughts have already been and gone.

I stand and make my way to Ada’s kitchen.

I push the colourful alphabet magnets into a recognisable order.

“It’s Alice” they say.

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon: 'Dracula A.D. 1972'

I know I said that I would skip this one, but after I posted, my conscience nagged at me. I had said I wanted to see Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing face off again. I had said I might enjoy the worse and hornier sequels to 'Horror of Dracula' even more than I enjoyed the original.

And yet I didn't want to watch the terrible, horny sequel? Weak! Did I fall at the first shitty movie hurdle? NO!

Anyway, tonight I inflict upon myself and all of you ... 'Dracula A.D. 1972'.

From the off this movie commits a massive crime in my book: it implies that Dracula was already resurrected and faced off with van Helsing at least one other time, but probably often. Like, a full lifetime of cat-and-mouse between them. AND WE NEVER GOT TO SEE IT! Yes, I know I skipped all the sequels between the original and this one (I am here for this duo, and owe the Hammer cinematic universe nothing), because none of them had both Cushing and Lee in them, but this movie has the gall to imply that there is some other, parallel universe where there were like five other movies where these two tried to homoerotically murder one another?? And we were denied????

Crimes! Unspeakable crimes!

Anyway, we open with what is the final confrontation between the original van Helsing (whose name was apparently Lawrence rather than Abraham? I completely missed that in 'Horror of Dracula'). Both are killed. It's like Romeo and Juliet, but with a broken carriage wheel and blunt force trauma.

Look at them and imagine so many more movies of this. We could have had it alllllllll ...

But Dracula, who always comes back, is once again resurrected! How does this happen?

A groupie. Dracula got his ass a groupie, who calls himself 'Jonny Alucard', because Hammer Horror has never been about subtlety.

Wait, did 'Castlevania' steal Alucard from 'Dracula A.D. 1972'?? Because that's hilarious if true.

So groupie Alucard buries Dracula's ashes with van Helsing, which is fucking romantic in a creepy way, I guess, and then we flash forward to the swinging tunes of 1972. And I have to say, the cinematography in this film is coming on strong. It's dynamic, colorful, looks interesting, there's cool shots ... the director of photography, Dick Bush (yes, that is his actual name) is doing a lot with his little budget.

We arrive at a party in full swing. If there was ever a stereotypical counterculture party of 1972, it is this one. We have a band. We have sex. We have dancing. We have probable drug use. We have definite alcohol use. We are free of the Hayes Code, baby, and we are making the most of it. And in the middle of the color and the music and the abundance of varying-degrees-removed-from-hippie, we have Alucard (Christopher Neame in one of his very first roles!). The pretentious goth boy at the party, in his ruffles and black velvet and fedora. Before there ever were fedora-tippers, there was this lad.

You can practically hear the 'milady'

And I have to say, with our first real taste of it, the script is sort of solid? There's a fun patter to the dialogue, the characters come across as lively and snappy, and the whole thing feels way more fresh and fun than I was expecting after the fairly sedate writing in 'The Horror of Dracula'. The acting is also bouncier, with all the actors seeming to have quite a bit of fun in the scene. It's goofy, but it's in on the joke.

Turns out, he's a part of a group of counter-culture kids. You've got Alucard (same one? Descendent? Who knows, since grandkids have a tendency to have the same actor as the original, more on that later.), The Monk (I forget his name, but he spends the entire movie in a monk robe making wisecracks, so we're calling him The Monk), a few random cannon-fodder kids, and ... Jess (Stephanie Beacham).

She's got 'final girl' written all over her!

Alucard, to stave off the boredom of endless parties, suggests demonic rites, as one does. Everyone initially laughs, but they're young, dumb, bored, and, most importantly, the teenagers in a proto-slasher flick. So you know they're going to go along with it after they've given him some rightful shit for his continued pretentions. And again, the writing is a bit schlocky, but does genuinely capture the vibe of a friend group, ranging from people eager to give it a try to some who think it's silly to Jess, the most reluctant of the bunch. She thinks there might be some danger involved in trying to do demonic rituals in a soon-to-be-demolished church. And while in real life that's called being a killjoy, in this universe she has reasons to be concerned.

Reasons like her anthropology professor grandfather, Lorrimer van Helsing. Yep! We have another descendent-played-by-the-same-actor, and Peter Cushing is back as a new van Helsing for a modern era. Jessica is well aware of her family history, but both of them seem convinced it's a little more research-based, and she thinks it's fairly similar to any other new-age trip.

I have to say, I love what Stephanie Beacham does with this role. Jessica is young and hip, but also friendly and relatable. She's got a sense of humor, and with her delivering her lines in an easy, naturalistic manner as Cushing is a bit more old-school, you get a great sense of the generational gap between grandfather and graddaughter (no mention of her parents, but she seems to be living with her graddad).

I'm sort of blown away by how fun this movie is so far?

So the group of kids all show up to the soon-to-be-demolished church, which also happens to be where Lawrence van Helsing was buried. Jessica's more than a bit pissed, realizing they were arriving on the date of her great-grandfather's death (which makes Lorrimer Lawrence's child?? I don't think those dates work, but okay). But she ends up deciding that it's a coincidence, and is convinced to stick around by a fast-talking Monk.

The Black Mass scene is pure schlock, and it's hilarious. Christopher Neame really leans into the scenery chewing, and we finally kick off the horror part of this horror movie with gouts of magically conjured fake blood. It's a deeply stupid scene, and exactly the sort of thing I wanted from this movie.

It's so fucking dumb!

The kids scatter, leaving one of their friends behind (RIP Laura, you were great at screaming and getting covered in blood), and Alucard gets his groupie on as Dracula rises from the grave once more. Not that Dracula seems to give much of a damn about him. Poor Alucard, you go to all that work, are that dramatic, bleed all over a lady, and he doesn't even want to bite you. He goes for Laura instead.

So with Laura 'dead' (probably a vampire), Alucard goes about trying to convince his friends that it was all just a hoax, that Laura's fine, and they should definitely stick around to get picked off one by one.

Meanwhile, because we're now in the 1970s, Laura's death prompts an actual police investigation, and since Jess was one of her friends, the police want to talk to both her and her grandfather, who had apparently helped them before with blackmailing witches (can we see the white collar crime witchcraft movie, please??).

While the police are investigating, cannon-fodder teen #2 gets lured to Alucard's flat with the promise of jazz (RIP Gaynor, all we know about you is that you have good musical taste). Once again, she gets bit. Once again, Alucard gets nothing but a telling-off that he still hasn't managed to lure in Jessica (because Dracula is already fixated on the van Helsings). You'd think Alucard's going to start getting pissy about the lack of bisexual vampirism.

When will senpai notice him?

Van Helsing, much like his ancestor, can at least put the pieces together quickly enough (although one wonders why he hadn't already realized that 'Alucard' is 'Dracula' spelled backward, but he's on the trail. Was he trained to hunt vampires, or is he literally just a professor of anthropology in his 60s who's going to have to learn on the fly? We're about to find out!

Lorrimar van Helsing, Scrabble champion

Alucard throws a proper fit about once again being passed over, demanding to be turned. Dracula is not best pleased, but also clearly sort of into the begging. So in the end do we get bisexual vampirism? We do! We cut before it happens (boo), but Alucard finally has his vampire groupie dreams fulfilled.

Good for him

Van Helsing starts his investigation in earnest, grabbing a crucifix, a silver knife (does he know how to knife-fight??), and a bottle of holy water. And it turns out that the cops just believe him. No need to try to convince them about vampires, they're on-board, because we're int he Hammer universe, baby! At some level, everyone in this universe seems to already know that vampires and whatever else are real. He infodumps to the police inspector, who remains totally chill with this information and letting van Helsing run the investigation from here on out so long as they keep it on the DL.

Meanwhile, while he's playing detective, Jess is lured into a trap, since her boyfriend Bob has been turned into Bob the vampire by a newly-vamped Alucard. And unfortunately, she was not trained to be Buffy, so the best she can do is burn the shit out of Alucard with a crucifix before fainting. I'm not judging Lorrimar's parenting skills, but if he thought that that one obsessive vampire constantly trying to bite him and his entire family over multiple resurrections could, you know, get resurrected again, it might have been a good idea to teach her to at least carry a silver knife and a bottle of holy water around with her.

This is 100% an L for van Helsing parenting

Van Helsing realizes that Jessica's gone missing and starts trying his hand at vampire hunting in earnest as the baby vamps drag poor Jess off to Dracula. Luckily, one of the other cannon-fodder teens, Anna, reveals that she got high at Alucard's place once! Hooray for convenient info!

Van Helsing gets to cut his teeth at vampire hunting with a really fun fight-sequence against Alucard. And I have to say, I feel like horniness for the van Helsings runs in Dracula's bloodline, because Jonny really wants a bite of that old man. Luckily, goofy vampire deaths remain a mainstay of this series, as van Helsing takes him down with a mirror reflecting sunlight and a fucking shower of running water. It's so dumb. It's SO. DUMB, and Christopher Neame absolutely crushes it at the hammiest of vampire deaths. Positively gnawing on every inch of that scenery. I love him.

We get multiple vampire fights, and we start off with this? We are truly spoiled.

Tragically, we don't also have time for a fight with Bob, and we've sort of lost track of the other girls, because we're once more pelting madly toward that point of the movie we've all been waiting for: watching those old men fling each other around a room for a bit!

We kick off with some truly unhinged scene setup, as Van Helsing gets his whittling badge by digging a massive pit, carving a ton of stakes, and setting up and honest-to-God pit trap. Meanwhile, he also plants a crucifix on Jessica, who he finds in some sort of magical sleep, so at least Dracula won't be able to bite her before they can have their confrontation. Dracula manages to rip off the necklace, but van Helsing turns up, and its time for a good old lover's tiff.

Van Helsing demands Dracula remember him, and from that point on, Dracula only has (bloodshot) eyes for one man.

The disheveled nemesis ex bitch is back!

The expression of a man seeing his ex for the first time in a century, and the ex is still hot.

The ex is still hot!

And they get an actual verbal confrontation this time (at least Christopher Lee gets some really hammy lines!)! It's over-the-top! It's hammy! The fight choreography is deeply iffy. It's exactly what I wanted! Rough one another up some more!

Luckily for us, a hypnotized Jessica keeps this fight from ending too soon, and that ridiculous spike trap actually gets used, continuing the tradition of very silly vampire deaths. Seriously, does Dracula ever get a dignified badass death? Or does every movie end like a Loony Toons cartoon?

Alas, it's only a five-minute confrontation (I could have done with a lot more), and we end with the spell broken, Jessica fine, and perhaps a massive training montage in store for both the van Helsings.

So you know what? I am so pleased I watched this movie I almost avoided. Yes, it was ridiculous cheese. Yes, it was really silly, and you know what? I really fucking enjoyed it. I could still do with more Dracula/van Helsing fights (only five minutes??), but damn that was fun. Solid B-movie acting, an honestly fun musical score, and Dick Bush (did you forget about him?) really set up some great shots and got a really solid atmosphere going on a tight budget.

I really, unironically, enjoyed this movie!

And next time, we finish out the Dracula movies with 'The Satanic Rites of Dracula', this movie's direct sequel!

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon: Horror Express

The first thing I realized when beginning this movie was that my ongoing watch party is now a bit of a misnomer, because this is NOT actually a Hammer production. But B-Grade-Horror-Flicks-of-a-Particular-Sort-of-Gothic-Style-from-the-50s-to-70s-a-thon just doesn't quite roll off the tongue like Hammer Horror-a-thon, and I feel like, despite now not watching a Hammer production, the vibes are still correct. So I'm sticking with the name.

The second thing I noticed almost immediately while watching the (frankly sort of sleek) credits is that the entire production team seemed to be Spanish. Turns out that this was a joint British and Spanish venture, produced by Granada Films out of Spain, and Benmar Productions out of Britain, which seemed to be making mostly B horror flicks. And it turns out that this film very nearly didn't get made, because Peter Cushing's wife died shortly before filming was set to begin in Madrid, and he was really struggling and wanted to back out of the film. It was only when Christopher Lee, who was one of his closet friends, stepped in to fill one of the other lead roles (mostly in a bid to support Cushing through the filming) that Cushing decided to go ahead with filming. Which is both incredibly tragic and incredibly wonderful. Get a friend for yourself like Christopher Lee was for Peter Cushing.

The somewhat sombre background of the filming of this particular entry into my viewing experience now explained in greater detail, let's get on to the movie itself.

We begin with a delightfully mustachioed Christopher Lee as Prof. Alexander Saxton, a British academic on a wintry expedition to Mongolia in 1908. His narration puts one in mind of something like 'The Mountains of Madness' by Lovecraft, though I doubt we're going to get quite so cosmic or esoteric in this film, but who knows?

Also, whoever decided that they needed this horror film to be narrated right off the bat by Christopher Lee needs a raise. The man just had one of the best voices.

While exploring some caves while wearing the largest and fluffiest of hats, Saxton stumbles on the frozen body of ... a person?? An ape?? it's fairly decomposed along with being frozen; just the level of still-sort-of-fleshy that precludes looking at a skull and being certain it's human. And also this is a B horror flick from the 1970s, so perfect fidelity with what a decomposed body actually looks like is probably not to be expected.

Although, that being said? One of the better corpses in a state of moderate to advanced decomposition that I've seen in a cheap horror film. I think someone on the production staff actually did some research, and I commend that level of attention to detail.

Human? Ape? Alien??? Who knows!

Anyway, a spot of good old British Empire bodysnatching later, and Prof. Saxton has acquired himself one decomposing body. Why does he want it? We're not sure, but he sure doesn't want it going anywhere, because that thing is in a heavy box with an even heavier lock and chain.

Flash forward to Peking (I think? The only copy of this movie I could find is the Spanish version, so all title cards are in Spanish, and it's been a few decades since I studied that language, but the city seems to be occupied by the Russians at this point, or at least the Russians are in every position of power we see at the station). Prof. Saxton tries to board a train to bring his newly stolen body home with him, but whatever arrangements he tried to make didn't go through. There is no room for him on the train. But just as it looks like he won't be boarding any trains, Horror Express or otherwise, who should walk in, but another British Academic, Dr. Wells, played by Peter Cushing!

And right away there is tension in the air. Wells seems very pleased to see Saxton, while Saxton is looking at him like Wells is the ex he hoped never to see again after a really rough breakup.

Exes-post-really-awkward-breakup was not the vibe I expected from these two in this movie, but I am already excited for it!

Wells flashes a whole lot of cash that buys him, his assistant, and Saxton all places on the train, along with all their luggage. Wells is smug; Saxton is seething, but has to let it happen if he wants a place on that train. The bitter exes vibes are through the roof with these two and I am loving it.

Meanwhile, on the platform, it seems like some folks are not thrilled by the British coming in and stealing their ancient corpses. Two very badly-dubbed men exchange a few words, and then one of the picks the lock on the massive chain Saxton has placed around the box. Unleashing a possible zombie on a train full of rich assholes and at least one body snatcher? Good for him.

Unfortunately, ancient horrors aren't known for being overly picky when it comes to murdering locals versus murdering British academics, and so our delightful lock-pick is the first to die, his eyes whited out. RIP, my guy. You just wanted to stick it to the man.

Saxton, meanwhile, does not want his ex paying for everything and getting the upper hand, so he accuses Wells of bribery, throws a little tantrum, knocks all the station master's stuff off his desk, and somehow gets a little group of soldiers sent to him from a local general?? It is very unclear why he gets this, but Saxton seems very pleased when he gets his ticket without having to grovel to the ex.

Meanwhile, the body of our would-be saboteur has been discovered, and has drawn quite the crowd. A Russian Orthodox priest who looks a lot like Rasputin is praying over him, and seems to be the only one who isn't totally blasé about the dead body with the white-out eyes. And we have our first scenery-chewer of the movie! He declares the box and its contents unholy to a Russian police inspector, and then to Saxton when he shows up demanding to know why Rasputin is trying to break into his box full of 'fossils'.

Got a feeling he's going to be one of my favorites in this movie. I love a good scenery-chewer.

Rasputin tries to demand that the box be destroyed, but Saxton isn't having that, and now that he's got his random soldiers, no amount of dead bodies will stop him from taking his stolen corpse fossils back to England.

Wells, meanwhile, is there collecting animal specimens (he's a biologist, I think??). The exes once again encounter one another as they're loading their respective specimen boxes into the baggage carriage. As Wells watches on, Saxton's box of 'fossils' starts to growl. As boxes of fossils are wont to do.

Saxton opens a little peep hole he had built into the box (so he could gaze upon the decomposed body??). He sees that the body is now partly thawed, but seems to just dismiss the growling as ... I don't even know what. Meanwhile, Wells, is watching on behind him, possibly realizing that his ex is a bit of a freak.

Or maybe he already knew that. Maybe that's why they broke up. Maybe that's why they got together.

"Babe, why did you chain your fossils up? Why did you make a little peep-hole to gaze upon them? Why do they MAKE NOISE?"

When Wells rightly points out that fossils, in general, do not growl, Saxton dismisses it out of hand. It's fine. It's a 2 million year old man ape eldritch abomination. They all do that. Wells just sort of accepts this and ribs him about presenting it to the Royal Society. Which gives the impression that he is very used to Saxton dragging horrors from beyond time back to England with him. It's just a cute quirk at this point.

At this point, a Polish Countess enters with what has to be a very poorly trained stage dog (or a very well trained to flail stage dog) to check her valuables into the safe. For a woman of the early 20th century, she certainly looks like a woman of the 70s, and immediately takes it upon herself to eye up Saxton, hit on him, and let him know she's married all in one fell swoop. She's a complicated lady.

The Countess and her flaily pooch

Saxton doesn't seem terribly interested, what with his ex there killing the mood, and what with the Countess being awfully fascinated by why her dog is so scared of the crate, so he leaves. The Countess follows, and Wells bribes the luggage master to drill a hole into that box and look inside. Because Saxton is a freak, but Wells is a freak too.

And because the station master ended up having the last laugh over both these dumbasses, we discover that they will be sharing a compartment. There is, alas, not only one bed, but there are tiny fucking bunk beds, so the exes must cohabitate.

Oh, also there's some lady who is crying and wants Wells' help? Very unclear why she's there. They both sort of ignore her while they angry flirt about accommodations.

When you're just trying to be a damsel in distress and the most dysfunctional gays on the train aren't even giving you the time of day.

Turns out, she's got no ticket, but has to get out Shanghai (was that where they were???). She offers to make it 'worth their while' if they smuggle her in their compartment. Saxton is deeply uninterested, Wells is trying to be chivalrous, and and she's getting sick of their shit, dabbing at her eyes less and less convincingly as they squabble.

The scene ends with the strong implication that she'll take the lower bunk since they'll probably just share the upper bunk anyway, no point in it going to waste. And given that their argument does indeed migrate up toward the upper bunk, it seems like she's got them pegged. Not having to play the damsel anymore, she settles in for what's bound to be a really weird train ride. We love a practical lady, and how, once she's secured that bottom bunk, she is entirely chill with everything happening. They can bang it out in the upper bunk if they have to; she's not bothered.

I cannot adequately express through photos alone how hilariously gay this scene is.

Unfortunately, the baggage master interrupts this brewing gay romcom by being impressively dedicated to that bribe he took from Wells. He's not just drilling a tiny hole in Saxton's crate, he's basically disassembling it! He fully removes part of the peek-hole, sees a decomposing corpse, and hurries away. But once he's gone, a decomposing arm reaches out to grab the chain and start breaking free. Literally breaking free, like grabs a nail, bends it, and gets to lock-picking sort of breaking free.

I suppose when you have several million years to kill, you pick up a few skills

The baggage master comes back just in time to become the monster's first victim, and it seems like it doesn't physically attack, but rather stares at its victim with glowing red eyes, and then their eyes go white and they bleed out of every orifice. It's simple, but surprisingly competent horror makeup.

Seriously, some solid work from the makeup design team here. Simple but disturbing.

There is now a monster almost loose on the train, and I really couldn't say if it's more Saxton's fault or Wells'. I'm going to blame them both, disaster gays that they are.

And they're not the only freaks on the train! Turns out the Count and Countess are swingers, or at least really into watching the Countess flirt with other dudes, and she's trying to pick out a dress to hit on Saxton. Rasputin, it turns out, is their own personal priest, though it's really unclear why they have him along as they don't seem terribly interested in spiritual advice, and he's not going to be any help at fashion advice. Maybe making him uncomfortable is part of their kink?

Not going to lie, I'm really enjoying these Edwardian swingers.

The Inspector has discovered that the baggage man is missing, and suspects it has something to do with the (now closed again) trunk. Especially after the first death on the train platform, so he calls the gays to the baggage car to answer for everything. Saxton tries stonewalling, Wells tries charming, but the Inspector still insists they open up the crate and see the 'fossils.' And after Saxton nearly gets closely acquainted with the butt-end of a rifle, he relents and hands over the key.

Only to discover that the corpse is gone, and a new one has taken its place! The baggage man got stuffed in the box, and the horror from the dawn of time is on the loose. Saxton admits that it was a 'fossil' (those generally aren't half-decayed, but okay) of a half-man-half-ape from 2 million years ago. How does he know this? Did he carbon date it? Did he ask it??

This will be difficult to explain to customs

And then comes perhaps the greatest exchange ever in the history of cinema:

WELLS: Are you telling me that an ape that lived 2 million years ago got out of that crate, killed the baggage man and put him in there, then locked everything up neat and tidy, and got away??

SAXTON: Yes I am! It's alive! It must be!

Understandably, the Inspector thinks Saxton is insane (he's probably not wrong) and wants Saxton locked up, and the ape found and destroyed. Saxton is not thrilled about that, being rather taken with the idea of a monster from the dawn of time being alive and running around, picking locks and staging crime scenes.

The ape ends up deciding against murdering a few sleeping children (thanks, ape), and instead kills a soldier. It also seems to be becoming less and less decomposed with each kill, so maybe the whole white-out-eyes-bleeding-from-every-orifice thing is how it feeds or something. It's a horror from the dawn of time, man. I don't know how these things work.

Wells is moping about his ex in the dining carriage while the lady who's stolen their bottom bunk tries to get him to be polite and pay attention to her. His heart really isn't in it, though, nor is it into being questioned by various and sundry people about Saxton. I guess it was cute when Saxton was dragging horrors back to England that weren't going on a killing spree, but a lot less fun when they're picking off people on the same train you're stuck on.

The Inspector drags poor Wells off before he can even eat his dinner to inspect the body of the soldier. He asks his assistant, Miss Jones, for help, and she gives him shit about hanging out with mysterious young ladies at his age. She is immediately my favorite.

Miss Jones is now officially the best and I don't want anything bad to happen to her

He and the eminently practical Miss Jones perform a sort-of autopsy (I guess he decided that the head was the only important bit, but I'm guessing he's a biologist or zoologist or something, and not a proper pathologist, so I'll forgive some sloppiness), and discover that ... gasp! All the wrinkles on the brain are gone!

That ape steals brain wrinkles ... is a phrase I never thought I would ever utter

They also talk some really hilariously bad science about how the wrinkles on a brain are all memories and learning (they are not), and by stealing the wrinkles, the memories have also been stolen. This is not the way brains work, but hey. We don't come to bad horror films for anything like accurate science.

While they're elbow-deep in a corpse, the Countess tries to go and seduce Saxton, but he's pissy about his horror from the dawn of time up and running off on him, and about being locked up, and probably about not at least getting locked up with Wells. And he's even pissier when she says that evolution isn't real.

You can be as sexy as you like, but Prof. Saxton doesn't have time for science deniers.

He admits that he might have brought an evolutionary horror onto the train that's now engaged in a killing spree, and she points out that it's a little fucked that he's moping about being locked up, and isn't particularly bothered by all the murder. Which, fair point.

Speaking of murder sprees, turns out that the lady who stole their bottom bunk is, in fact, an international spy! She sneaks into the baggage compartment, ignores the covered-up body there (I guess she's practical even faced with that), and goes for the safe to steal the Countess' jewels (why does a spy need this? No idea). But uh-oh, the ape snuck back onto the train and catches her. It murders her, and also steals the Countess' jewels. Because sure it does.

RIP to a practical queen

It almost catches Wells too, when he goes looking for her, but gets shot by a well-timed Inspector. But it's got its red eye (the ape is increasingly looking like a furry Terminator) on the Inspector, whose nose begins to bleed before he collapses.

It looks like the ape has been defeated, but why are we only forty minutes into the movie?

Saxton seems to have been freed post-ape-death, and discusses the case with the Inspector, positing that it was absorbing all the knowledge of its victims. So it turns out that the lockpicking was intentional! It picked it up when it ate the guy on the platform. And it knew the baggage carriage when it age the baggage man. And apparently it's now an international ape of mystery, as well, having absorbed a master spy's knowledge. Which I suppose is why it grabbed the jewels.

One of the Inspector's men brings in the bag that our spy stole containing said jewels, explaining that the ape had the bag. The inspector knows that the bag belonged to the Countess, despite having never seen it.

And Saxton realizes something in that moment (in an actual moment of show, don't tell, which is uncommon in bad horror films): if the ape can steal memories, could it push them as well? Could its own mind colonize another?

Is the Inspector really the Inspector?

Meanwhile the maybe-not-inspector returns the bag to the Count and Countess. It's apparently some miracle metal or something. Rasputin is still there, and even more unhinged and hammy, which is great. We really need some proper over-acting in this movie.

Flash from hammy acting to Wells, Saxton, and Miss Jones now working together. The exes seem like they're back together, and Jones is probably just happy that her employer isn't actually hitting on women young enough to be his daughter.

Wells is probably a much more pleasant employer when he's busy dealing with his boyfriend's eldritch horrors anyway.

They're apparently going to look at the vitreous fluid from the ape's eye under a microscope. How did they know to do this? Well, it seems that if brain wrinkles are memories, why wouldn't you be able to see those memories playing in vitreous fluid? We see the inspector, and they figure that its last memory is somehow stored in its eye. Because science.

And also because science, it's not only the last memory, but other memories. Including eyeball pterodactyls. I could not make this up, but I really appreciate the heights of goofiness this movie is now scaling. We've gone headlong into silliness, and it's about time.

Eyeball pterodactyl, because science.

They also see the Earth from space, possibly implying that we're dealing with an alien-ape-man-spy-thing. The Countess comes in, because they're stabbing eyeballs in the dining carriage, and Saxton shows her the Earth in eyeball fluid to prove evolution somehow. She calls in the hammy priest, and he thinks it's all a sign or something. He rants about prophecies or Satan or something (pretty sure he thinks that the alien-ape-man-spy-thing is alien-Satan-ape-man-spy-thing). The ladies give him some really glorious stink-eyes while the gays are definitely wondering who thought it was a good idea to let him at the magical ape eyeball fluid.

These two, contemplating their life choices

Which they have good reason to do, because Rasputin steals the eyeball and runs. They all go chasing after him, and because they're idiots they split up. Jones checks the baggage compartment, and finds the Inspector there. He asks her why she wants the eye and she explains what they saw, and who exactly saw it. And then his eyes turn red, and he kills her, the bastard. Look, that ape can kill spies and soldiers, but this asshole killed the best character in the movie?

He needs to die permanently.

This immortal monkey is going down

Rasputin, who's been watching all this go down, gives Inspector Ape the eye and begs for mercy. So five minutes ago he was convinced this thing was Satan and now he's offering himself up to it? That's some deeply inadequate faith.

Inspector Ape is now insisting that no one is allowed off the train. Mostly because it's determined to kill the Countess, Wells, and Saxton. He even kills the conductor to make sure they can't get away.

Wells and Saxton seem to be trying to figure out whether or not the ape is dead (because apparently Saxton totally forgot about that moment when he put everything together before, and has forgotten that he already suspected the Inspector had been taken over). They have at least realized that they were idiots for splitting up, and insist that everyone on the train stick with the buddy system.

Of course, that doesn't stop Saxton from immediately wandering off on his own and discovering that the conductor has been murdered (and thrown out the train window, to save on special effects makeup).

The train, unlikely to stop, is headed for a station. And at the station we're introduced to yet another character (I feel like we have way too many characters for an hour-and-a-half runtime). And this is ... a bald dude dressed like Evil Santa apparently having sex with some lady in the middle of a busy train station filled with the conductor and multiple soldiers. Evil Exhibitionist Santa seems to know a lot about the train, and possibly even the horror from the dawn of time. It looks like he wants to stop the train by force or something. Anyway, he's apparently some sort of Captain or something, and wants to stop the Devil.

Meanwhile Inspector Ape kills off the engineer who's been in the background of a few scenes because he knows about rockets. And apparently Inspector Ape wants to build a rocket and return to space or something. Just roll with it.

Then it goes after Saxton, but it turns out it doesn't have to drain his memories because he's still totally forgotten about that time he suspected Inspector Ape and instead happily babbles on about figuring out that it's an alien that took over the body of an ape millions of years ago and has taken over another person now. Who knows who! Certainly not Saxton twenty minutes ago!

I think Inspector Ape decided to kill him just to stop him talking, but before he can, Wells comes back with a shotgun. Inspector Ape realizes the boyfriends are back together, and even his attempt to sew some discord between them, implying one of them could be the monster, is immediately dismissed.

Monster?! We're British, you know! (No, that's literally the line)

Not wanting to have to deal with two smug academic boyfriends who are also armed, Inspector Ape beats a strategic retreat. Rasputin, who's gone full groupie for Inspector Ape, then leads him to the swinging Count to kill him for the formula of his super-strong steel to build that rocket ship he's on about.

Now, okay, Inspector Ape wants off Earth. Fair enough. Why does he need to kill everyone who saw the Earth in the eyeball fluid?? Why doesn't he just spend a few years building a rocket and go? Why do Miss Jones (RIP), the Countess, and the academic gays have to die too? Is he just worried Saxton will keep finding other horrors from the dawn of time and he won't be special anymore?

I guess no one expects straightforward reasoning from an ancient alien who eats people's brain wrinkles.

Luckily for the swinging Count, somehow the train does stop at the train station (how did that happen, with the conductor dead? Magic?). Evil Exhibitionist Santa boards with all his goons. This interrupts all murder plans as everyone is assembled, though the count and countess are taken back to their car since they're aristocrats and therefore Definitely Innocent.

Evil Exhibitionist Santa, suddenly worse than brain-wrinkle sucking aliens

He's just as hammy as Rasputin as he sort-of demands answers and sort of seems like he's just looking for an excuse to murder everyone aboard. He claims everyone is under arrest, including Inspector Ape, and when the academic boyfriends object they're basically pistol-whipped into compliance. Things are not looking good, and it would be a fine time for some brain sucking to save everyone's ass.

Unfortunately even the brain-sucking alien doesn't know how to defuse a psychopath with a bunch of soldiers and a gun. Rasputin steps in, and he and Evil Santa attempt to out-ham one another, but Evil Santa has a whip and whips Rasputin almost to death. Inspector Ape doesn't seem overly broken up about it (Wells seems much more upset, and is only stopped from running forward and probably also getting killed by Saxton's brutal practicality).

But realizing the lengths Rasputin would go to protect Inspector Ape finally clues Saxton into what he already figured out once before. he turns off the lights, revealing Inspector Ape's red eyes. Inspector Ape tries to run, but Evil Santa throws a knife into his back, then shoots him a few times. Inspector Ape still makes it out of the room, with Rasputin chasing after. Saxton even stops Evil Santa from following and getting his brain wrinkles sucked (I think this was a poor choice on Saxton's part, since getting rid of Evil Santa seems like the best way to improve the safety of everyone on the train).

Rasputin gleefully offers himself up to be taken over by Inspector Ape, who seems deeply confused by why anyone would voluntarily offer their brains up for consumption, but fuck it. So Inspector Ape Dies, and Apesputin is born

I am comforted by these glowing eyes clearly being full eye prosthetics rather than hellish contact lenses. Protect the eyes of your actors!

Meanwhile, apparently Evil Santa has lost his mind or something, because he and his men are just sort of emptying every bullet they have into the empty door through which Inspector Ape and Apesputin vanished. People are realizing this dude is seriously unhinged, and are all screaming and running. Even Saxton has realized that not letting Inspector Ape eat his brain was probably a really poor choice, and urges everyone to run to the baggage car, and leave Evil Santa and Apesputin to deal with one another.

And apparently Apesputin was the perfect host, because while Inspector Ape could barely handle a single person at a time, he just sort of wades through every single one of the soldiers, killing them in seconds. I know it's supposed to be horrifying and tense, but it sort of becomes hilarious how it Just. Keeps. Happening. Not a single shot fired. Apesputin for the win.

Saxton and Wells duck into their cabin while everyone else is screaming and running, trying to come up with an actual weapon against Apesputin. They already figured out that the red-eye effect only works in the dark, so if they can keep Apesputin in the bright light they might have a chance. They MacGyver something with a lamp and a candle and possibly a camera.

Back in the battlefield, all the soldiers are dead and Evil Santa is already bleeding from every orifice, but the ham is too strong with him, and he's not going down in an instant the way his red-shirt soldiers were. They get a second ham-off, this time with even greater stakes. Evil Santa grabs a sword and tries to get up, but it's too late. One more stare-down from Apesputin and he drops dead after two hammy, hammy scenes. Why was he included? I have no idea. Did he do anything for the narrative? I don't think so. He was there to chew some scenery and then die, and I respect that.

Chewing scenery to the end

The boyfriends, still learning nothing from their OWN BUDDY SYSTEM RULE, split up again! Saxton takes the light and the shotgun while Wells goes to take care of the others. And do what? And do why? You're both dumb.

Apesputin goes to finish what he started with the swinging Count and Countess. He manages to kill the swinging Count, but stealing Rasputin's memories means that he's more interested in monologuing at the Countess than murdering her. This gives Saxton enough time to show up and shine a light at him.

Unfortunately, Saxton was the worst guy to send to actually eliminate an ancient horror from the dawn of time, because that's his thing, man. He's way rather talk to it, and Apesputin knows that. So he tempts Saxton with all the knowledge of the world while he, apparently, starts bringing all his victims back as fucking zombies. Which Apesputin can apparently do now.

The swinging Count zombie shoots the lamp, and Saxton and the Countess barely manage to flee the car by power of Saxton shoving Apesputin sort of hard. They run, only to be waylaid by the soldier zombies. Luckily for them, Saxton has apparently been taking sharpshooting classes or something because he manages to shoot most of them, which at least knocks them over long enough that they can keep running.

They reach the baggage carriage and a fretting Wells, who barely notices the Countess in his happiness to see Saxton still alive and kicking. He's already had the idea to separate the baggage car from the rest of the train, which seems like a seriously good idea (although aren't a few of the zombies in there too??) given that they're two middle-aged academics, and there are a bunch of soldier zombies and an alien-Satan-monk-ape-man-spy-thing from the dawn of time now driving the train to who the hell knows where? Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

Two biologists trying to figure out how to decouple a train

And it's especially good since Moscow, not hearing from Evil Santa, has ordered the train stopped at the next switching point, one fork of which, very conveniently, leads straight off a cliff. Why would you build train tracks off a cliff? Oh well, they'll come in handy when they want to kill literally everyone aboard because Evil Santa isn't returning Moscow's calls.

The academic gays manage to decouple the baggage car just in time, and the front end of the train goes off a cliff, effectively destroying this particular evil since the dawn of time. The movie blows its budget lighting a ton of train cars on fire, and the last shot shows a slow pull-back on the Earth itself. Implying there are plenty more horrors out there that these two goofy idiots will probably go and dig up.

These two dudes are definitely not going to learn their lesson and will definitely be digging up other eldritch abominations, just as a couple

So, how did I like Horror Express? It's perhaps not as delightfully exuberant as 'Dracula A.D. 1972', but it still occasionally seems in on the joke and having a good time. And honestly, it was probably the best horror film of the horror films I've seen so far. It wasn't quite scary, but it had some good effects and some really solid makeup.

But the real reason to see this one is getting so ee Cushing and Lee sharing the screen for most of the movie. Their bitchy exes chemistry is way too much fun. Also the fact that the Countess wasn't cheating on her husband, but they were just swingers was a really fun touch. Also, RIP Miss Jones, you were too good for this world.

I also appreciate how goofy the plot got, how pointless Evil Santa was except to chew some scenery, how the horror makeup and effects were frankly better than they had any right to be, and how they blew their budget on eye prosthetics and burning train cars.

All in all, a very gay, solid romp. I definitely enjoyed it and recommend it to anyone looking for a stupid movie with eyeball pterodactyls for the spooky season.

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon Rapid-Fire Double-Feature: Nothing but the Night (1973) and The Gorgon (1964)

Because life got away from me and I couldn't get through nearly the number of 50s to 70s bad horror flicks I was hoping to during October, I'm holding them over during this, a slightly clear weekend. Instead of fully summarizing and commenting on these films, I'll be doing more rapid-fire thoughts and reviews.

So let's start with the more recent one, 'Nothing but the Night'.

So I've got mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, there's some really decently written women in this one, which is fairly uncommon in horror films of this era. Georgia Brown does really well in a slightly understated role as a hard-nosed reporter who slowly comes around to just wanting the truth. She's somewhat noir, and I really liked her performance. But Diana Dors' brassy, abrasive mom-on-a-mission is one of the movie's highlights. You're genuinely not certain what she's doing or why she's doing it, and the unfortunate thing about the movie is that you never really find out.

I suppose it's decades too late, but spoiler warning here. The movie ends with a bit of a weak twist, that I sort of feel undermines the movie. Apparently some rich assholes have set up an orphanage (you know that's never good) and are using the children there as vessels to transfer their consciousness into so that they can live again or something. The main little girl at the heart of the story is, in fact, an adult woman transplanted into a little girl's body.

It's a goofy premise, but no more so than most horror films of the era. But I honestly think this one might have worked better if they'd gone full 'Bad Seed' with it, and we as the audience know that she's the murderer from the beginning. The young actress in the role is honestly fairly good, and I think she'd be able to pull off playing innocent before killing more and more people who all seem to want to help her. The mystery could have become why she was doing this, rather than trying to figure out what's even happening in the plot. It's a movie so concerned with keeping its central secret until the big reveal that there are large parts of the movie with very little happening. It's a little TOO obscure, and it could have been a lot creepier if they'd let the audience in a bit more.

The good things here are the performances. As I previously mentioned, both Brown and Dors turn in strong performances, with a lot more drive, intrigue, and nuance than women were often afforded in this era of movies. Gwyneth Strong, the child actress in the central role, does a fairly solid job at it.

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are both solid, but aren't given as much to do as the women, and less investment in everything until near the end, which makes them a little less compelling. Still, their scenes together are a big part of the appeal of the movie. Their first scene together, in particular, ends with what feels like it's seconds away from devolving into an outtake, with the two of them exiting the scene almost giggling together. It's a moment of real genuine friendship that I really loved.

Also Christopher Lee has to fight a horde of semi-possessed children in a deadly game of tug-of-war to keep from burning to death at the end, which is both deeply goofy and really unsettling, and is one of the few parts of the movie that was honestly sort of chilling. Strong has to do a villain monologue, which she struggles a bit with, but there are moments where she's also fairly effectively scary.

It ends on a fairly downer note, and I'm not sure I'd recommend it, but it's definitely not the worst of the movies I've watched. It's a bit slow, keeps its secrets so well not much happens for the bulk of the film, and doesn't do as much with Lee and Cushing as it could have, but the performances are strong, the character writing is decent, and it's fun just to see Lee and Cushing be pals for a bit.

'The Gorgon'

Tragically, I can see why this attempt at another serial from Hammer never took off. The key to their serials is really the strength of the central monster. The 'Dracula' flicks work because they feel racy for the Hayes Code era, mostly because Christopher Lee can convey a level of feral sensuality that turns some really poor scripts into something worth watching. And because you like to see him and Peter Cushing fling one another around a set for a bit, if you're me. But mostly you watch 'Dracula' for Dracula. Likewise, you watch the 'Frankenstein' flicks because you want to see Peter Cushing be completely unhinged. Appropriately to the source material, the creature is not the central monster of these films, the doctor is. You watch those films for him.

So 'The Gorgon' had to sell us on the Gorgon. This was already tough, since gorgons are a bit more obscure than vampires or mad scientists. We had enough cultural context to know, even without being told, what it was that both Dracula and Dr. Frankenstein want. Their motivations are clear going in: Dracula is driven by hunger and sexuality; Frankenstein by hubris and a desire to prove his intelligence. But what is a gorgon's motivation? Why does she do what she does?

We don't know from context, and the film doesn't seem interested in telling us. In fact, the film does very little to really sell its newest monster. Prudence Hyman can mug for the camera quite well, but she's given so little to do! She essentially stands in one place and stares. She doesn't get to talk. She doesn't even really get to interact with other actors. The nature of the monster is solitary.

I was hoping that, since we find out late in the film that she's actually projecting herself through another person, we might use the character of Carla (Barbara Shelley) to explore the monster. She could be a monster of loneliness, of resentment that every attempt at connection is doomed to end the same way. That's sort of a cool concept, honestly, but Carla spends the entire film with amnesia, unaware of what she is, and so no exploration gets done. And the film is far more interested in telling the stories of the various guys who try to hunt the monster or protect the monster or avoid the monster than it is in exploring its central monster. So she fades into the background of her own movie, and the movie falls flat as a result.

Which is too bad! Like I said, the concept is good. Cushing's performance is actually really good in this one, as the doctor who's figured out his assistant is, in fact, the one housing the consciousness of the gorgon. He goes to increasingly desperate lengths to protect her, willing to sacrifice anyone else to do so, and all the while not trusting her enough to just tell her why he's doing what he's doing, which eventually destroys their relationship and gets him killed.

Lee gets to turn in one of his rare heroic performances as a crotchety professor turned monster hunter, who is the only one to make it out alive in the end. He doesn't get as much to do as Cushing, and they only share about a minute of screen time, but it's a workmanlike performance.

And hey, a wild Patrick Troughton appeared out of nowhere as a major supporting character! He's always a fun one to see crop up, even if he's given as little as Lee to do in this film.

Richard Pasco as Paul Heitz is the doomed lover of Carla (though they spend all of two scenes together before declaring their love, so I sort of doubt their connection), and is probably given the most to do in this film. And again, he does fairly well in the role, as does Shelley as Carla. She's got some strong scenes, but she's hampered by a script that lacks the one thing that really could have turned this one into a gem: someone going completely off the wall. Someone turning in such a bravura performance that you want another film with them. If Prudence Hyman had been given more time and more to do, she might have been able to do that, but because of the way the movie was written, that was probably more likely to fall to Carla, who never gets to realize what she is and fucking WRECK some assholes. I was waiting for her to get to cut loose, and instead she gets ... nothing.

And there was never a second 'Gorgon' movie. Having seen it, I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed that the Hammer films were too cowardly to let a lady get as unhinged as they let Lee and Cushing get in their respective series.

[centaurianthropology]

Hammer Horror-a-thon: 'The Satanic Rites of Dracula'

So, after an unexpectedly delightful turn with 'Dracula A.D. 1972', we conclude our brief detour through the Lee/Cushing Dracula flicks with 'The Satanic Rites of Dracula.'

The opening credits are sort of a fun mix of the super funky opening credit song for 'Dracula A.D. 1972' with the more traditional sound a fury of the original 'Horror of Dracula' theme. Sort of like this is an attempt to bring the previous film together with the older films? We shall see. We also learn that the script is once again by Don Hougton, the same screenwriter who wrote 'Dracula A.D. 1972' (and I genuinely thought the script in that was pretty solid for being a B flick), but we've lost our beloved director of photography from that same movie, Dick Bush (still his real name). So we might not be be getting the rather ambitious shots and compositions we got in that film.

Behold, Dick Bush, who didn't shoot this film, but apparently won BAFTAs for his cinematography, and after 'Dracula A.D. 1972, I believe it. Sad to see you won't be taking this trip with us, King.

And post-credits we really do jump straight into the Satanic Rites, which I appreciate. Truth in advertising and all that. We have a bunch of pudgy middle aged dudes in robes, and, showing me why we jumped in rating from 'A.D. 1972' (PG) to an R rating, we immediately get a topless lady sacrifice. I mean, these movies have been very horny, but these are the first more-than-suggested boobs I've seen in my admittedly short viewing experience.

Then again, they're catering to the drive-in crowd, so tits were probably a major selling point.

Our Satanic rites, meanwhile, are being recorded and listened to by a dude with killer muttonchops and a fluffy vest. The very picture of 70s dude. He brings of mug of tea to an equally mutton-chopped and fluffy-vested dude in another room, while a third guy lies in a cot tied up. Our prisoner starts groaning, drawing Mutton Chop #2's attention, who promptly gets his ass strangled by Mustache, who sneaks away past an oblivious Mutton Chop #1.

Sometimes you gotta do your Satanic rites while bored dudes in fluffy vests record you for reasons.

But while he's sneaking out he triggers an alarm, alerting the cultists and getting Mutton Chop #1 to pursue him (along with yet another guy in a fluffy vest). Mutton Chop #1 is shot by a sniper, who picks him up in a car and they make their escape.

I had presumed the Mutton Chop army were surveilling the cult, but apparently the cult is aware of the recordings and is into it? Maybe they're making a documentary.

Seriously, where can I get one of those fluffy vests? I want one.

Cut to Mustache lying on a cot in some sort of brightly-lit, sterile interrogation room or something. He's being questioned by dudes about a guy named Porter while a doctor monitors him and all his answers are being recorded. He describes 'obscene rites' and claims to have photos.

Then he dies, because of course he does.

The dudes talking to him seem to be police or investigators or something. There also seems to be a routine for disposing of the bodies involved in the supernatural, apparently, because they'll be forging a death certificate for him. We're twelve minutes in and we have a cult and a supernatural governmental investigatory agency. Which I suppose is the logical conclusion for the Hammer universe, given how many monsters populate it. At some point, someone is going to try to regulate and litigate them.

Also their boss might be in the cult. So we've also got government corruption. This plot so far is a lot more complex than 'Dracula gets a groupie to resurrect him in the 1970s so he can slasher-flick his way through a group of hippie teens', and I'm not altogether certain yet that it's going to be for the better.

So they decide they'll bring in someone to help them, because of corruption and 'I'm only on your side in this room' and 'outside this secret we're keeping you're on your own.' Cheap spy thriller stuff, but it all seems to be a convoluted way to bring the same police inspector from the last film back into the picture to investigate the cult.

Because he honestly didn't leave much of an impression in the last film, I had to look it up. And yes, it's the same actor (Michael Coles) come back to play the character again, this time looking gloriously 1970s. While I don't mind his return, I'm a little disappointed, because with that outfit he looks a lot like David Warner, one of my favorite actors, and I was really excited for a second before realizing it wasn't him.

He gets briefed by the Government Dudes (mostly an excuse to get the most mileage out of the Satanic Rites set and the fact they still have a naked lady on screen). You get the feeling that half of the 'cultists' are just there to ogle and Touch Boob. And it turns out they're all powerful and well-known middle-aged dudes hoping to Touch Boob. Then the naked lady, who seemed very into everything right up until this point, gets stabbed by the High Priestess (the only one at the rite who seems like a real professional, and not just interested in Boob).

Meanwhile, while they're briefing Murray, the woman who ran the recording equipment for the Government Dudes is getting in a high-speed chase with the Mutton Chop Army. They catch her.

Back to the ritual, and the naked lady is brought back to life and healed. Sacrificial recycling! Cool!

Having got caught up, Murray immediately brings van Helsing in on the investigation, bringing one of the Government Dudes back. Because Murray is nothing if not practical.

And we're reunited with Lorrimer (hopefully I'm spelling that name right now) van Helsing, still mostly a researcher, with no strong indication if he spends much of his time monster hunting, or if that's more of an occasional treat. We also get reunited with Jessica van Helsing. And right off, grand tragedy: we no longer have Stephanie Beacham as Jessica. However, to make me far less sad about the loss, her replacement is none other than Joanna Lumley!! I have loved her since 'Sapphire and Steel' (legitimately one of my favorite shows ever), and she brings a very different quality to the role.

The (slightly revised) van Helsings and Inspector Murray

Joanna Lumley is a much cooler, quieter presence than the effervescent Stephanie Beacham. While Beacham was a contrast to Cushing's more quiet energy, Lumley seems to be an older and more mature Jessica, matching his energy rather than contrasting it. She's soft spoken, and has apparently become a very talented supernatural researcher in her own right. I'm still hopeful she's at least gotten some training as well as research chops, given her line of work. I'm not expecting Buffy, but I'm at least hoping for concealed crucifixes and holy water. After all, Lorrimer isn't much for physical violence either, and every time Dracula gets defeated it tends to be with improvised weaponry.

At least make sure the lady can whittle herself a pit trap like her grandfather!

We also learn that one of the wealthy men who wanted to Touch Boob was an old school friend of van Helsing's: Professor Keeley, a biochemist who won a nobel prize (feels like the satanic rites would have come up in a Nobel background check, but maybe they were just handing those things out like cereal box toys in the 1970s).

Van Helsing is hoping that Keeley is innocent, and proposes he go talk to the man first. The investigators figure he might get more out of Keeley than they would, and agree to the plan.

Keeley isn't doing well. He seems like he's in the middle of some sort of breakdown, being worked into exhaustion. The actor playing him (Freddie Jones) was a fairly well-known character actor, and ends up doing a lot with a little screentime. His chemistry with Cushing is solid, and his performance very much conveys the feel of a man doing work he's not even sure why he's doing.

And what is that work?

Growing mold, apparently.

We come back to the lady recording the session, and find her in the same cot that Mustache was in at the beginning of the film, having been captured bt the Mutton Chop Army. The door gets knocked open by the fog machine, and we are re-introduced to an already re-resurrected Dracula. It's sort of impressive how little Christopher Lee seems to age in this role, looking about the same as he did in 1958. She gets bit, of course, and I suppose we've got our first new vampire of the film.

Keeley, a little more with it, is meanwhile monologuing about evil while van Helsing sorts through is papers. He's honestly really up front about the whole 'I am a satanist!' schtick, which is considerate of him. Lorrimer slaps him a few times to try to snap him out of the monologue, and demands to know what he's been researching because it looks a lot like he's been engineering a new strain of Yersinia pestis (the Bubonic plague) which, one assumes, would be resistant to penicillin now (fun fact: the plague is basically entirely cured thanks to the invention of antibiotics, which it's very responsive to). And how did he do that? Radiation. He has radioactive plague which is apparently lethal in seconds and spready by touch somehow.

So we have spies, a mad scientist, biological warfare ... this is feeling rather sci-fi horror, and I still have no idea why anyone is doing what they're doing. I definitely have no idea how Dracula is involved. Is he directing all this, or is he mostly along for the ride?

I really hope the answer is deeply stupid, because so far this movie is trying to be clever and is mostly boring. I want some real goofy shit kicking off soon.

Unfortunately for van Helsing, the Mutton Chop army has been monitoring Keeley's work, and arrives, shooting van Helsing (in the head??) but somehow only giving him a little scrape. Because that's how guns work. He patches himself up with a cute little white bandaid and he's good to go.

Congrats to Lorrimer van Helsing for being able to slap a bandaid on a gunshot wound to the head and apparently be fine.

Keeley is a lot less lucky, because he's apparently completed his work, so the cult just has him murndered and hanged in his lab, snatching all the moldy petri dishes plague.

Meanwhile, Murray and Government Dude are ragingly misogynistic to Jessica, who they brought with them to the cult headquarters but insist she not come in with them or act as an expert on the supernatural for them, despite her being trained to do exact that. Instead they leave her at the car. Why did you even bring her if you were going to be such dicks? I hope you both get murdered by Dracula, you pair of bumble fucks.

They question the high priestess, insisting they're investigating a bunch of 'motorcycle hooligans' and want to search the mansion for them. Meanwhile, Jessica sneaks into the house, deftly avoiding the security system that Mustache tripped. She finds that Dracula still likes to put his crypt in a really publicly accessible place (some things never change). She discovers the recording lady from the Government and tries to rescue her, only to be beset but a whole heap of vampiric bisexuality. She doesn't seem happy about being mugged by a ton of vampiric ladies, but the first one? I think Jessica was at least a little happy she found the sexy lesbians dungeon.

Luckily for Jessica, all the lady vampires seem much less interested in biting her than feeling her up. Unluckily for her, we get confirmation that Jessica did not, in fact get training on vampiric ass-kicking (boo! Both the van Helsings falling down on the job; it's apparently been two years and you two did NOT have a training montage, did you??). Murray and Government Dude rescue her, and Government Dude recognizes the new vampire recording lady, and Inspector Murray stakes her. They leave the other vampiric ladies and run, pursued by the Mutton Chop Army.

Jessica, hoping she's found the lesbian dungeon, and only finding the vampire dungeon.

Van Helsing at least is already suspecting Dracula's involvement somehow, and he thinks that something is being organized. He wants to investigate Keeley's bakroller, a guy named D.D. Denham who owns a combination of various corporations with the other guys who were spotted in the cult.

And wait, according to van Helsing, they're whipping up this plague to wipe out all of humanity. Is the entire plot of this movie actually about Dracula getting so sick of being resurrected that he wants to wipe out humanity so he can get some damned sleep? Because if that's actually the plot of this movie, I might take back every bad thing I've said about it so far.

The Government Dudes, Murray, and Jessica do some surveillance of the cult headquarters, but oh no! Government Dudes are both assassinated by one of the Mutton Chops with a sniper rifle. Rest in Piss you misogynistic bastards. I hope Jessica stakes some vampires just to spite you.

While they're being taken down with regular bullets, van Helsing has been smelting silver bullets for a tiny holdout pistol. Because it's the 1970s and van Helsing is strapped now, even if it's with the world's most adorable derringer.

Murray and Jessica barely outrun the sniper and find the Government Dudes' car, but oh no! It's an ambush! Murray is knocked out, and Jessica is taken prisoner to once again play the damsel (boo once more).

Meanwhile, van Helsing goes to confront 'Denham', and it's deeply unshocking that it's actually Dracula. Who's now a corporate criminal as well as a vampire (is that some sort of commentary on corporate greed? Or is that too smart for this movie?).

And for the first time in what feels like WAAAAY too many movies, we get an actual conversation between Dracula and van Helsing. Dracula puts on a cad Bela Lugosi accent (cute touch). And yeah, the plot of this movie really does seem like Dracula wants to get some fucking sleep. They have a quick chat before van Helsing confirms it's Dracula and draws his adorable derringer.

Look at this adorable tiny gun

Only to have his aim knocked off-course by the other cult members. They want to execute him right away, but Dracula isn't going to let that happen. They only just got their first proper conversation! Van Helsing is too sexy! Dracula absolutely has to keep him around for a way more convoluted seduction death.

It's so dumb. I'm thrilled we've finally gotten to the stupid part of this movie, and hopes it gets dumber. And since van Helsing is now captured, I am also really hoping we get some genuine scenes between Cushing and Lee. Don't get me wrong; I love it when they throw one another around a room for a bit, but to actually exchange meaningful dialogue? In my Dracula movie??

Hopefully it's more likely than I fear.

Meanwhile, Murry nearly gets murdered by the high priestess vampire, only to realize that the entire crypt of vampiric bisexuality is filled with conveniently placed stakes and has a full fucking sprinkler system. Which feels like a serious oversight on the cult's part. I am deeply disappointed he wasn't ripped to shreds, and all thanks to the worst home planning in the world.

He finds Jessica once again in a magical sleep (this happens to her every few years), but has to leave her and hide from the cult members dragging van Helsing in. Dracula once again means to bite Jessica, this time complete with pyrotechnics and monologuing.

But he is once again gets properly derailed as soon as van Helsing starts talking. Because poor Jessica seems to mostly end up being a setpiece in their weird little back-and-forth. She's there mostly to get a rise out of van Helsing, to really kick the fight off properly.

But what actually happens is, in the middle of some not-so-great dialogue about plagues and shit, we actually get some real acting out of Cushing and Lee. Dracula seems almost desperate. behind the bluster, he seems miserable. He seems tired and sad and just wanting an end. And van Helsing confronts him about it: is all this convoluted bullshit just a cover for his death wish? Does he want to annihilate an entire planet just so he'll finally be left alone?

The looks they give one another in this moment is a reminder that, despite some dogshit movies and some dogshit scripts, both Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing were world-class actors. They could take this really poor script and make a moment in it that transcended the material.

Even just for an instant, this movie was really genuinely good.

it's hard to convey how good this very brief moment was in an otherwise sort of shit movie.

But it turns out that staritng an apocalyptic plague wasn't what the cultists signed up for. They signed up for power and to Touch Boob. They try to protest, but Dracula hypnotizes one of them into breaking the vial of super plague, which is about the happiest we've seen him all movie. I think he figures he'll finally get a proper quiet time.

Unfortunately for him, the addition of pyrotechnics was just as bad as the idea of the Basement of Conveniently Placed Stakes and Sprinkler System, and everything quickly catches on fire with only one of the cultists infected. Murray rescues a still-asleep Jessica, and we get our confrontation. Dracula totally forgets the plague plot, van Helsing apparently is spry enough to jump out a second story window without any repercussions (but a cut guarantees we don't see it).

And Dracula is defeated by a shrub. No, seriously, he gets killed by a bush trying to get to van Helsing just because van Helsing keeps shouting his name. Because apparently hawthorn is really damaging to vampires, and he doesn't think to go around it? It's easily the most anticlimatic and least exciting of their confrontations. I know on paper it sounds really hilarious, but honestly? The pit trap in the last movie was a lot more fun.

So, yeah, have to say that this movie was a disappointment. After the audacious silliness and energy of 'Dracula A.D. 1972' I was really hoping for something equally fun. But this movie was front loaded with a boring spy 'thriller', and back-ended by a sci-fi plot about the radioactive super plague which somehow wasn't even stupid enough to be fun. There was one really solid scene, one moment between the two leads I'd been hoping for over multiple movies, but that was followed by the least fun confrontation, and an end that felt like, in more skilled directorial and writing hands, could have played out like a subversive tragedy.

Because that was how Cushing and Lee were clearly trying to play it. They were both tired of the chase, tired of repeating the same pattern again and again hoping for different results.

With a better, more self-aware script focused on that heart of the movie, I genuinely think this movie could have been incredible. This could have been a genuinely tragic swan-song to the series. This would be the final Dracula movie for both the leads, and it just sort of feels like a disappointment, all the more so for the inkling of what this could have been.

I hate that this one ends as a bit of a downer, especially after 'Dracula A.D. 1972' was such an unexpected delight. It was a breath of fresh air, and this movie just felt as tired as Dracula seemed in it. I feel like the treatment of Jessica really exemplifies that. In 'A.D. 1972' she was inexperienced but clever, young and fun and zesty. This movie makes her just someone there to deliver a few lines and scream. We don't get the character growth hinted at by making her a full researcher or letting her seem more mature, and Joanna Lumley's considerable talents were completely wasted. Why cast such a talented actress and then do nothing with her? Why finally allow van Helsing and Dracula to talk and do nothing with it beyond what the actors could conjure from thin air? Why actually touch on the tragedy of Dracula being dragged back from the dead again and again and AGAIN and not pay it off in a better, more satisfying way? You could have turned that confrontation into what would have been suicide-by-van-Helsing, make it a real tragedy for both of them, a moment of genuine understanding.

But no. This is a movie of poor writing, dull pacing, and wasted opportunity.

I'm hoping for something much stupider and much more fun next time. I had been meaning to save it for myself later in the run, but after this disappointment, screw it. Next time, we watch 'Horror Express', and hopefully that's as gloriously stupid and fun as 'Dracula A.D. 1972' was.