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artemiseamoon · 2 years ago

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Pt 1: It wasn’t supposed to be this

A narcos mx one shot | Calderoni x Slate f agent*

Words: 6,200 | read on A03

Fic info | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 -finale

An: I made an exception and posted this in full. Anyway, I’m going back to my system after this, just previews on tumblr.

Warnings: violence, mention of injuries and blood, drinking, vague sexual content, drug traffickers, character deaths, lots of angst

Narcos disclaimer: I fully understand how sensitive all this is, which is why I struggled with writing for the show or not. But, I do, and I enjoy it so don’t plan to stop anytime soon. The show is naturally a very real trigger, so off the bat, you are triggered, block the narcos tag. I’m only one of many who write for this show (I blame the actors, it’s their fault, they charmed us). Filter the tag and save yourself and the writers unnecessary exchanges. Criminals, drug traffickers, drugs, really bad people who hurt so many are talked about in this show. In writing these little stories I’m not trying to erase that or gloss it over. Now that I’ve said my peace, remember it’s fully your choice if you continue and your fault if you get upset not mine. Last, if you don’t like the fic/story just move on. Plenty of other things to read. Don’t waste my time. Plenty of other fics around.

The full realization of what happened last night hit during the shower. She drank a lot; this job is stressful, and she usually limited herself to one beer or one drink as a calming agent for a few reasons; to keep in control and to avoid letting her defenses down.

Last night, she lost both those battles and ended up in bed with the Calderoni. Slate couldn't put her finger on why she was drawn to him. They didn’t trust him, she didn’t either he’s not even her usual type but there was something about him.

As they worked with him over the last four weeks, she shoved her curiosity away and denied it was real. She chalked it up to horniness, it had been a very long time since she got laid; a full two months before she came down on this mission. And hooking up locally was out of the question, with anyone in her team? An absolute no, a completely bad idea. Living in abandoned warehouse with a bunch of dudes really limited her private time, so self-pleasure was also not an option.

Maybe all the drinking, combined with a need to get laid led to this. Still, Calderoni didn’t seem like the type to just end up in someone's bed. The man was like a fucking wall; he said what he had to say, made his point, and wasn’t trying to make friends. So maybe the curiosity was mutual, had to be.

Calderoni never outright flirted with Slate, in fact, she was sure he was pretty indifferent to her at first. But then she caught it, the briefest lingering stares, the short, well-hidden glances when he thought she wasn’t looking. At the time, she didn’t know if the attention excited her, scared her, or a little of both.

Slate was thankful he was gone upon waking, seeing him in the light of day, would make all of this worse and she was pretty sure Walt was likely losing his shit because she hadn’t checked in yet. To be fair, she wasn’t that late, just 10 minutes or so. But he already wasn’t a fan of her leaving the place for the night, no matter what bullshit reason she gave him.

...

Walking into the warehouse after a night in a real bed and a decent hotel made it feel gritter than usual. With her shades still on, Slate found the guys gathered into one room.

“Look who decided to join us.” Ossie commented with a grin.

Slate flipped him off and he chuckled. She sat on the edge of the L shaped countertop and sipped her coffee.

Though she felt Walt's stare, she didn’t make eye contact. “I needed a night away from all you stinky boys and a damn shower.”

The reply seems good enough for most, except Walt, who continued to observe her.

She's not too worried though, she's known him a long time. “So, fill me in, what's going on.” She sets the coffee cup aside.

Walt took out a cigarette, lit it, then caught her up with the few minutes she missed.

-The Next day-

Back pressed against the wall, Slate crossed her arms and listened intently as Calderoni addressed the room. It took some work, but she was able to shift the events from a day ago to the back of her mind.

“Felix was in Panama last month, meeting with members of the Cali Cartel.” He walked into the center of the room, hands in his pockets. His profile was still facing the group.

“What was on the agenda?” Walt asked. Calderoni made eye contact with him and stopped walking.

Calderoni responded, “Not sure, but it ended with Felix committing to move more weight. Lots more.”

“Why now?”

"El Padrino’s feeling the pressure.” Calderoni switched to Spanish at this point.

With the tension between the plazas, this intel could be a big win; it had to be connected. Slate and Ossie look at each other, then back at Calderoni.

Calderoni rested his palms flat against the table. “There’s been talk of major construction somewhere outside of Juarez.”

“Construction of what?” Daryl asked.

“Runways.” Calderoni responded. He flipped open the folder he previously placed on the table. Everyone moved closer, including Slate. Walt remained on the opposite side of the table, beside Calderoni.

Calderoni continued, “Amado Carrillo Fuentes. Used to be some kind of pilot, among other things.” Walt examined the file as Calderoni addressed at the group, “Now, Felix has him buying up passenger planes.”

Slate doesn’t hold his gaze for too long, she breaks away first and leans over the table to view the file. This is weird. Just play it cool.

Gaining control of her thoughts again, Slate’s eyes moved to Walt as he spoke. “Federation’s building their own air fleet.”

“And running it out of Juarez.” It’s the first comment she’s made since the meeting started; her voice almost felt unfamiliar to her ears.

Walt adds, “Yeah, if we can pin down Felix’s distribution hub, then we can unlock his entire route network.” Walt hands the file over to Danilo.

Daryl spoke next, “Track shipments across the border, pick them up one by one.”

“That’s right,” Walt nodded, “bleed the motherfucker.”

Done with the file, Danilo passed it to Slate who looked it over before passing it to Ossie and Amat.

Walt leaned over the table. “Starve him of his cash until the government cuts him off.” His eyes met Daryl's. “You know, hang him out to dry.”

“Now, we need to track Amado and the purchase of planes. Especially in large numbers. Maybe discount sales.” Slate said.

Calderoni made eye contact with her, before addressing the group again, “well, Amado just bought a one-way ticket to Belmopan, Belize.”

“What the fuck for?” Ossie asked.

Slate looked at him, then Walt, “Let me guess, an out of business airline getting rid of planes?”

Impressed, Calderoni raised a brow. “That’s where Aero Tropical is based. It’s an airline. It used to be. They just declared bankruptcy. They’re liquidating their entire fleet at an auction next week.”

Walt’s eyes scanned the group, “Looks like we're going to Belize.”

-One week later, Belize-

This might be a win, and it feels damn good.

At the same time. Slate doesn’t get her hopes up. Wins were rare in this work, it's something one just got used to and had to find a reason to keep pushing, to keep trying to make some kind of difference. Some days it was easier than others. But right now, she feels glad she said yes when Walt asked, maybe all this could amount to something useful.

Though they’re here for work, it feels good being in a different setting, like a breath of fresh air. Not just because of the dusty ass warehouse, but because of the whole Calderoni situation.

What happened that night, when she grabbed a drink at the same bar he happened to be at, was never discussed. She went about her job like nothing happened, and even after the meeting last, he didn’t say anything extra to her; just spoke to her as needed according to the situation.

It seemed like that was the end of things. One messy ass slip up. One very wrong but sensual one night stand. Just as Slate was making amends with that fact, she found a little envelope slipped into her jacket pocket after he left.

She stepped away to the broken-down bathroom for privacy. Inside the small envelope was a room key, she recognized it from the other night, same hotel. They had eyes on him the whole time, how he got it in here? She wasn’t sure. On the back of the little envelope was some kind of code, but once she figured it out, she deciphered it as a time and a vague date.

One of the things about being on this crew is most of their time was spent sitting around, talking, coming up with plans, going over information for the 1000th time. Action was few and far in between. Now with this trip to plan, she knew she couldn't get away in the coming days, but from the code on the back, Calderoni was aware of that too.

She didn’t use the key until 5 days later, once all the travel plans were set and all their new equipment arrived. She didn't know if it was pure curiosity, or if she really wanted to see him again; but something led her to that room.

Upon stepping in, she was gently swept inside. Once the door was closed, and locked, his lips met hers. There was no talking, no conversation, just two people swept up in desire and need.

-Flashback-

After drying off with the towel, Slate started to get dressed. Calderoni was still in bed. Though her back was to him, she felt his eyes on her, but didn’t turn around.

“Being seen together once at the bar was dangerous enough, we need to be careful.” She slid her jeans back on and pulled the zipper up.

He sighed behind her, but it had a more relaxed tone to it.” Neither of us knew the other would be there.”

“Because it’s so out of the way.” She glanced at him over her shoulder with a smirk,” that was my hidden spot. Now I have to find another.”

“No,” he sat up against the headboard, “it was mine, then you showed up.”

She turned to face him, “I barely leave the safe house, except a couple of times to get a drink there. Now, I don’t even have that.” She poked his arm playfully.

Calderoni shrugged,” shit happens.”

“Asshole.” Slate chuckled and glanced at her watch. “I need to get back. And, if this happens again, we cannot come to his hotel.”

He didn’t respond right away. Instead, he inched closer and gently caressed her bare back with his fingers. “Relax, there won't be any issue with this place. Trust me.”

Calderoni moved his fingers from her back to her arm, making feather light strokes over her soft skin.

“We’ll have to end this.” He said, his fingers wrapping around her arm with a tight grip before pulling her closer to him.

“I know.” Slate steadied herself with one hand as he drew her into another kiss. Her other hand cupped the side of his face. In between kisses, she whispered, “last time?”

“Last time, or” he slid one of his hands behind her head, “second to last time? Third to last?”

Slate smiled and kissed him once more before breaking away. “I guess we’ll see where the cards fall.” With her lips still tasting of him, she finished getting dressed and grabbed her things.

“I’ll have one of my guys drive you back, drop you off a block away.” He pushed the sheet off and started gathering his clothes. He stopped to look back at her, “Be careful.”

Slate tapped her holstered pistol then moved toward the door, “I usually am.”

-Flashback over-

Belize is beautiful, Slate reminds herself to come back some time, after all this is over and long in the past.

Glancing to her left, she sees Walt using the binoculars. To his left is Ossie, Danilo, then her. Amat, Daryl and Sal are taking care of the other end of things in Juarez.

The auctioneer: Next we have a 1779 Boeing 727, registration number N-1779. Featuring forward and rear galleys. Currently featuring 12 first class seats and 136 coach seats and this aircraft is ready, willing, and able…”

Her eyes drop to Danilo’s hands and his notes.

“We can get in through the north side of the fence. Bad sight line for security,” Ossie said quietly to Walt. They are in the furthest row from the auction, nosebleed seats with no one sitting directly next to them. But there are a few people in the row before them.

Walt replied, “Cut through. Two in, two outside for lookout.” He hands the binoculars over until they make it Slate. She takes a look and listens as they continue to talk.

Ossie, “We need radios. A ladder too.” he paused, chewing his gum. “We can get in through the rear airstairs, under the fuselage.”

“You figure it’s open? Can you even lock up a fucking 727?”

Ossie grinned.” Either way, I can pop the lock.”

“Of course, you can. Troublemaker” Slate commented with a smile. And for a fleeting second, a tiny grin flashed on Danilo's stoic expression too.

Ossie continued grinning for a little longer. Light banter is exchanged between the guys, with little interjection by Danilo.

“I definitely went astray somewhere,” Ossie stared straight ahead, “end up sitting here with you three broke motherfuckers.”

Danila makes a micro expression in response, Slate chuckled, and Walt turned to him,

“I got an amen to that.”

Slate adjusted her shades, while holding her grin a little longer, "You mean four broke motherfuckers.”

-Later that night-

The night sky was dark and starless; the only light is coming from the airstrip, the guard center, and the city in the distance.

Slate took a ground position, on the other side of where Danilo is in the jeep. Covering both angles was a good idea, and so far, everything was going as planned. With the mics, they could all hear and communicate with each other.

Carefully concealed, with a good vantage point, Slate continued watching through the binoculars.

Walt over the mic, “okay talk to me. Are we clear?”

“He’s still there.” Slate answered.

Danilo is watching the same thing she is. “Okay, hold on…"Up ahead the guard left the center and stepped outside. “Guard moving”

Slate and Danilo watch him enter this vehicle and head for the landing strip.

“He’s making his rounds.” She said,

Danilo waited a moment, then gave them the signal, “All clear. You’ve got three minutes. Go!”

Adrenaline pumped through her veins as she waited. Her eyes dropped down to her watch, 2 minutes and 55 seconds to go.

55 seconds later, Danilo’s voice met their ears, “2 minutes, get a move in it.”

Two seconds passed by.

“Heads up. Security on the move.” She leaned forward, following the guards' movements. A nervous flutter filled her stomach. “Fuck, come on guys, hurry up.” She muttered under her breath. The guard's jeep is getting closer to where the guys are.

“Walt - " Danilo warned.

“Yeah, yeah. We see him. We see him.”

Ossie and Walt exchanged a few words, as Ossie worked on the lock.

Danilo, growing increasingly concerned, spoke again, “Walt, you’re running out of time.”

Slate watched closely with bated breath as the guys finally made it inside the plane. She continued holding her breath until the craft door closed. The guard drove by almost immensely after. “Thank fucking god,” she exhaled.

Everything fell quiet for a moment. The guard was now headed to Danilo's view and was out of hers.

Danilo's voice was next over the mic, “He’s going out again. You’ve got three minutes. Move!”

If Slate smoked, she would have a cigarette right now. She hated the things too much to ever indulge.

-Minutes later-

Danilo drove as Walt slipped a cigarette between his lips. His expression full of pride as he glanced back at Ossie. “Six for six baby. He’s a goddamned artist.”

Danilo glanced back through the rear-view mirror, “nice work”

A closed mouth smile grew on Ossie's face. “Thanks man.”

Sitting there, next to him, it almost feels like a proud father kind of moment, in both the way Danilo speaks and holds himself, and Ossie’s response.

Slate gently nudged him, “Nice job, that shit’s impressive as hell.”

Ossie’s smile grew a little wider, “thank you.”

Slate settled her eyes on the landscape through the window again. It’s been a while since everything felt so hopeful, and she hoped this is a feeling they can hold on to a little longer.

-Juarez - Early morning, Chiapas airfield-

Standing on the rocky dry edge, the group waited as Walt viewed the plane and its inhabitants, which included Amado.

Walt lowered the binoculars and turned to his team. “Alright. Find a spot to set up surveillance. Two teams. Sal, me and Amat work the first rotation.” he handed the binoculars to Sal. “This is it.” Walt paused. “Fuckin’ A.”

- Flashback, the day before -

The coffee was still too hot to drink, Slate placed it on the floor and fixed her eyes on Walt. The team is in a half circle, some sitting, some standing, all facing Walt the evidence board.

The room is fuller than usual, there are 4 more guys present, Slate didn’t know them, but she assumed they were working with Walt too, just in a less direct way up until this point. But, if they were about to do what she thinks Walt is going to suggest, they need all the help they can get. The odds are far out of their favor.

“We’ve been over the risks.” Walt takes his time, making eye contact with each one of them. “But I want to be really clear on something. This is no longer the same job you’ve been hired for.” he moved into the center of the circle, “We have no support on this. Shit goes south, it’s on us. Believe me, this is not worth the shitty stipend you’ve been getting paid. Some of you have kids and families.”

Walt continued, his eyes on the other guys now, “Just because you’ve been helping us run surveillance and have known this asshole your whole life, doesn’t mean you're locked in, so if any of you are feeling any hesitation or nervousness, you need to tell me now.”

The room falls dead silent.

Slate stared down at the ground as her mind worked overtime. If they were lucky, a few of them would make it out, but not all, and she didn’t know what side she’d be on. A lifetime of trying to make a difference and help, just to die on some floor like so many others. It’s not what she wanted, but it’s a realistic outcome to all this.

Or, she could go home, pack her bags and head back to the states. It felt like the easy way out, especially after everything, even if it was the safest option. Though her answer scares her, she’s not a quitter, or a runner; she's seeing this through, no matter how terrifying that thought is.

Ossie was the first to speak, he asked “We do this, we cripple Felix’s entire operation?”

From where Slate is sitting, she could see the serious look in his eyes, the determination, she knows his answer too.

“Si.” Walt answered with a nod.

“Fuck being nervous.” Ossie said with more umph to his words. “We’ll never get this chance again.” He flashed a half smile, then looked at Daryl, “come on, let’s do this shit.” Ossie kept his eyes on Daryl and extended his hand.

Never a man of many words, Daryl leaned in and affirmed his answer with a brief slap to Ossie's hand. He then set his eyes on Walt. Slate glanced at Danilo whose eyes were cast down, his left brow slightly raised. With a small head nod, Danilo confirmed his answer, yes.

In short succession, Amat and Sal also say yes, followed by Slate and the remaining guys.

Walt proceeded. “Okay, let’s fucking cripple it.”

-Flashback over-

-Now -

“All right, everybody be safe out there. I’ll be in your ear. Stay alert, stay alive.”

Slate’s original station was on the high point, back at the jeep with Daryl, until shit hit the fan. It started with the overhead lights of the airstrip coming on, followed by yelling. She didn’t know it at the time, but Danilo was shot dead then.

“Fuck!” Slate grabbed a rifle and ran for the trees.

“Slate!”

“I’m going to help!” She called back at Daryl before disappearing into the trees. Running as fast as her legs would take her, she made it down the side of the ridge.

Eventually she made it to the guys and ducked behind the red flatbed truck where Amat and Sal were, both firing from either side, she announced herself as he approached, to avoid getting shot by one of her guys.

With a quick glance to her left, she saw Walt pulling a badly wounded Ossie to the side of the yellow truck, Danilo was nowhere in sight; neither were the extra four guys. Bodies are already piling up in the airstrip.

“Ossie! “She called out,” are you okay?”

“No! We’re fucking pinned!” Walt yelled back. “We gotta move!”

Amat takes cover behind driver's seat door and aims his rifle, then fires, “And fucking go where!”

Sal stayed low to the ground on the other side of the truck, “let’s head to the mountains!”

“We’ll never make it!”

Slate could barely hear Amat over the shattering glass and bullets. What's left of the truck's windows are gone, she lowers her head and shields her face from shards of glass before taking fire again.

Two tires of the truck get shot , the truck titles with a slant. Walt kneeled to the ground and shields Ossie from the continuous gunfire.

Sal was behind the truck now, with Slate, “what the fuck else are we gonna do?”

Slate’s eyes jumped to Ossie again, she needed to get to him. She takes a few more shots and makes a run to the yellow truck, then ducks behind it. “We have to do somethin, or we’re going to fuckin die!”

Staying low to the ground, Slate made her way over to Ossie and Walt. She covered them, continuing to fire as Walt turned Ossie over.

Ossie was in bad shape, her eyes jumped from him and Walt, and back to the caret ahead. Walt kneeled on the ground, over Ossie,

Ossie gritted his teeth, pushing through the pain, "Walt, wait. The keys are in the truck, right?”

Walt continued checking his injury, “the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m fucking dying, man!”

Slate continued to fire back while trying to hear what Ossie is saying to Walt. A heavy feeling of dread washed over her.

“Hang on Ossie! You can make it dammit!” She yelled, her eyes trained ahead; she's working twice as hard to take out as many as she could.

Ossie’s voice was strained when he responded, “no I, won’t Slate.” Even with his hand in the way, they could see the blood pouring out of his gunshot wound. Its fatal, the organs, right under the hem of the fucking vest.

She looked down to find his wet eyes on her. Above him, Walt was still. Slate cursed under her breath and lowered to the ground, by Ossie and Walt.

“Don’t die on me asshole, we have rock concerts to see.”

“Rock out for me,” he forced a grin then looked at Walt, “Please, Walt. Let me fuckin' do this!” he grunted.

The cartel pressed forward, Slate rose back to her feet and returned fire. Walt joined in, then returned to Ossie.

“I can help you get out. Get me in the truck.”

Amat, Sal, and Slate continued to fire. She catches sight of Walt helping Ossie into the truck.

Part of her wanted to run to them, to convince Ossie not to do whatever he’s going to do; but they were dangerously outnumbered, and the cartel continued to get closer and closer.

“Walt, what the fuck are you doing!” Amat called out.

Once Ossie was in the truck, Walt stood on the driver's side door, “cover me!”

Walt made his way to the passenger side where Slate was. Before she could ask a question or, think a thought, Ossie was already moving, driving the truck head on into the cartel as they littered it with bullets. In seconds, he ran over some of the cartel and ran the truck into the gas tank. A huge red-orange fire erupted with black smoke.

With feet hitting the ground hard, Slate, Walt, Amat and Sal ran for the woods, returning fire over their shoulders as they sped away. They had no idea how many the explosion killed, but it did what Ossie said it would, it gave them cover to run.

Walt and Sal reached the tree line first. Amat and Slate stop to take out a few more guys. Slate is first back on her feet, Amat just steps behind her until she heard a body drop. Taking a fearful glance back, she saw Amat was down and continued to zig zag as she ran.

Finally reaching the trees, Slate looked around for Walt and Sal as her heart banged in her chest. Spotting them to her left, she limped over, careful to stay in the shadows.

Walk grabbed her arm and pulled her deeper into the shadows, his eyes moving from her to Sal.

“This is on me.” He pushed Sal forward, “get the fuck back the safe out, both of you, Go!”

Sal looked ahead where Amat was, hesitated then turned to run.

“Get the fuck out of there Slate!”

“I’m not leaving you out here alone!” She walked past him and crouched down, “we’re both making it out of this!”

“Fuck!” Walt crouched down too, the both of them peering through the trees. He would drag her back if he could, make her leave; but there’s no time for it right now, and there’s no way he's going to leave one of his alone out here.

A car pulled up, even in the dark of the night, the sight of it makes Slate’s heart drop. She knows that fucking car; it’s a black Cadillac. Her grip tightened on her pistol; her throat was closing up.

An ill feeling washed over her as Amat laid on his back ahead, a guy on either side of him, rifles trained on his body. Each time their fallen friend groaned, the sicker she felt. Slate shut her eyes quickly then opened them, she hoped the person getting out of that car is a stranger, maybe he just has the same car as -

“You guys got one?”

It’s his voice. His fucking voice.

“Fuckers still alive.”

Calderoni came into full view, the car lights on him like a spotlight, his right hand raised; gun in hand and ready to shoot. Calderoni then shoots both the cartel guys, each one a kill shot to the head.

He kneeled down beside Amat, Slate and Walt were too far away to hear what Amat was trying to say as he spit up blood. Slate narrowed her eyes and saw Amat motion back to them with his head, followed by Calderoni looking that way.

It seemed he was helping Amat up when four guys came running in the near distance. Calderoni dropped Amat, looked back at the guys, then fired once, killing Amat. Walt shut his eyes and lowered his head.

Slate gripped the tree tighter and closed her eyes, tears fell down her cheeks. Her eyes were still closed when Calderoni addressed the men.

“One went that way, and the other went that way.” She opened her eyes to see him pointing in the opposite direction, then another wrong one. “Run, you can still catch them.” The smaller group quickly broke off, leaving Calderoni alone again.

“Stay behind me.” Walt orders as he aims his pistol at Calderoni.

“You out there Walt?” Calderoni takes a step closer, also ready to fire. Then another, the two men inched forward. “There’s nowhere to go.”

“What the fuck did you do?” Walt asked, his eyes glued on him.

“What you made me.” He paused. “If you hadn’t cut me off, I could have warned you this would happen. They found the transponders two days ago. You walked into a trap. But you wanted to go your own way.” Another pause. "He deserved to walk away Walt, they all did. But they were never going to. You made sure of it.”

Slate moved over slightly; a sliver of her face came into Calderoni's view.

Calderoni raised his chin, his brows tensed as he looked at her. He released a heavy sigh, then shifted his eyes back to Walt.

“You should have been the one to die tonight, Walt. But I’m going to let you live.” His eyes moved back to Slate. “Get the fuck out of here and don’t stop walking until you hear them speak English.”

Slate took a step back and gently placed a hand on Walt's arm. They had to get the fuck out here, there was no winning. Even if they could get a shot at Calderoni, dozens of men would descend upon them, and they had no chance of surviving that.

Walt slowly stepped back, his face eventually disappearing from Calderoni’s view.

Late that night at the warehouse

Slate trudged up the dark staircase behind Walt. With the rush of adrenaline gone, the pain in her leg came back full force. Her skin is coated in dirt, sweat, blood; hers and others.

“Who else made it out?”

Daryl appeared first; Walt walked right past him. Slate stopped in place and made eye contact but couldn’t find the words to speak. Her eyes then darted to Sal, who stepped into the room next.

Daryl’s eyes landed on Slate again, then Walt.

“Walt! Who else made it out?”

Walt pulled out a chair at the desk and sunk down into it with a silent breath. He looked broken, completely broken and more fragile than she’s ever seen him before, even counting the times she was around him back home.

Slate sniffled and shook her head, no, to Daryl.

Walt put the gun down, and when he finally spoke his voice was shaky and low, “ eveyones gone.”

Daryl paced, hands on his hips, shaking his head in disbelief. Sal sat on a nearby bench, slouched over and lowered his head, his hands clasped together.

Slate leaned against the nearby wall and looked up at the ceiling, swallowing the lump in her throat and trying to will the tears in her eyes to stop.

-Five days later-

Slate tapped the rim of the glass and watched as the bartender refilled the drink.

“Thanks.”

She quickly knocked it back and lowered the glass to the counter. They were out of Mexico in less than a day. Since being back, it’s been meetings and other bullshit, but to a lesser extent than whatever Walt had to do, since this was his operation. After her last meeting, Slate put in her request for extended leave; she turned down her reassignment papers.

It felt wrong, being back. Maybe she was supposed to die out there. She hasn’t slept much because all she sees is dead friends, especially Amat and Ossie. Then there’s another ghost haunting her waking and sleeping hours. The man she shared a bed with and later watched as he shot her friend and teammate dead. A man she snuck off to see two more times before the trip to Belize and Juarez, a man she had a weird comfort with she could never describe or explain away. A man she now hated with every bone in her body.

She felt betrayed by him. Even if he had a point, even if playing both sides was the only way to get shit done there. Even with that understanding, she still felt angry, and hurt.

Though they all knew death was a possibility when they didn’t walk about that room, none of them deserved that. Not even the ones who had to do sketchy shit in the past. They did not deserve to die; not Ossie, not Amat, not Danilo. From the brief conversation she had with Walt, Ossie and Amat were denied what he promised them, and written off as criminals.

Three weeks later

Slate got out of the elevator and turned left to her new apartment. She wasn’t sure how much it would help, a new city and a new place, but she was desperate at this point to shake the events of Mexico.

Two doors away from her own, she stopped cold in her tracks. A familiar face stared back at her, dark brown eyes, hair combed back, his arms crossed.

The moment their eyes met, he uncrossed his arms and stepped forward, using a calming tone to speak, “you’re a hard woman to find.”

Slates heart rate sped up with each step toward Calderoni. “Get the fuck out of here!”

He called her by her real name and raised a hand, in an attempt to calm her down. “Take it easy.”

“Take it easy! Take it easy!” She rushed toward him and shoved him hard in the chest, he barely budged, and remained rooted on the ground.

Slate shoved him again, this time tears coming to her eyes. He grabbed her shoulders and lowered his eyes to hers.

“Calm down. Can we talk? Inside?”

She wants to shoot him, to take every bad feeling in her body and mind out on him. Down the hall, a door opened, someone stepped out.

Slate cursed under her breath and tore herself away from his strong grip. After fumbling with her keys, she got the door open, went inside, then slammed it in his face.

Distraught, she headed to the Livingroom and sat on the couch, covering her face with her hands. When the door opened, she jumped to her feet and retrieved the gun she kept hidden behind a desk.

Calderoni didn’t budge at the sight; or show any signs of worry.

“I can’t stay long. Put the gun away.”

“No! You set us up!”

Calderoni stood directly in front of her and pried the gun from her hands. He clicked the safety back on and put it aside.

“Listen to me, “he lowered voice, “I did not set you up.”

Slate stared at him; he could see her mind going a mile a minute. She was also trying to decide if she believed him or not.

“It’s not as simple as you, Walt, and those agents who try to help think it is. Everyone, even the good guys, need to be bad and make some grey calls. It’s the only way. You’re smart, you know that Slate.”

She pulled her eyes from his and sat on the couch again.

“Those guys didn’t deserve that, I meant what I said.”

She shook her head and pressed her palms into her knees. “Why didn’t you warn us? Me?” She raised her eyes to his.

“I would have, you heard what I said out there. I was telling the truth.”

Slate rounded her shoulders, getting smaller on the couch. She shrugged weakly and stared at the floor.

“Hey,” Calderoni took a seat next to her on the couch, “I hoped you weren’t there. That you were smart enough to say no and go home.”

She turned her head to shoot him a dark look, “and abandoned the team? What kind of person do you think I am?”

Calderoni started to speak, then stopped himself. It was properly for the better, Slate was nearly shaking with anger now.

“We’ll talk about this, if not now, later, when you’re ready.”

She clenched her jaw, speaking through gritted teeth, “I never want to see you again.”

Calderoni lowered his gaze. He reached out and carefully placed a hand on her thigh. Her eyes dropped down to his hand, but she didn’t move it.

“Tell me to fuck off in the morning, but for now, “he raised his eyes to hers, “let me be here for you, even if it’s in silence.” he forces a small smile. “Keep the gun close if you want.”

Slate scoffed and stared at the table before them. Calderoni stood, retrieved the gun, and put it in her hands before sitting back down.

He watched as she looked it over, turning it, then placed it on the table.

Shooting him could feel cathartic, or it could make her feel worse.

Slate exhaled and closed her eyes. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper, “I don’t want to look at a fucking gun again for a while. I’m so fucking tired - I’m tired - “she let her head hang low.

A moment later she felt his hand on her back, caressing her in a slow circular motion. At first, she stilled to his touch, then, she relaxed into it. With his right hand, he slid two fingers under her chin, angling her face to his. She opened her eyes.

Slate wanted to scream, to yell, to kick him, to use a time machine and take saying yes to this job back; but she couldn't. She couldn’t do anything but sit here right now, as her body felt everything at once, anger, rage, disappointment, grief, loneliness.

Maybe she would yell at him tomorrow, tell him all the things she wanted to say, but for now, she doesn’t have the energy. Calderoni wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him.

Slate leaned against him with a sigh and let her eyes fall closed.

More Narcos

Masterlist

#Commander Guillermo Calderoni #not the real guy #the show!#narcos Mexico #Calderoni narcos Mexico #Guillermo Calderoni #my longest oneshot ever #Ossie Mejia #Amat narcos #Daryl narcos #Danilo Narcos #sal orozco

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sweetcathedral · 4 years ago

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🕸Haikyuu! — The Butterfly’s Ripple Effect🕸

Note: Currently a developing short story as I’m trying to figure out how to format it on tumblr, so that it’s easy to read (might take me a few months for the rough draft). The plot and ending is solidified, just need to piece together the scenes. Of course all Haikyuu characters are post-timeskip, it’s easier for me to write them as adults. It doesn’t make sense, but it will when I have the whole story down!

⚠️: blowjob, raw, forceful (?), cheating, giving in to temptation

The warmth of the sun gently wakes you up, making you flutter your lashes and wince at the brightness of the room. Memories of last night play back in your head as you pull the covers over you, but you look around to see that there was no sign of Kuroo. You hesitate to go back to sleep or look around the house to see if the others were okay from last night, since it wasn’t as loud as it should be.

“G’morning,” Kenma was leaning at the doorway with a cup of tea in his hand and a plate of omelettes in the other. “May I?”

You nodded, rubbing your eyes to fully wake you up.

“It smells nice. How are the others?”

“Oh, Kuroo’s driving them back to Sendai. The others wanted you to tag along on their road trip, but I told them that you’re probably jetlagged and needed the rest. They helped unload your stuff at the entranceway though,” he settled the tea and omelettes on the nightstand before pulling out a bed tray table from one of the drawers.

“I didn’t know you were the type to have breakfast in bed.”

“I’m not. A friend left it here last year, forgot about it and told me to keep it in the end. I just thought you’d like breakfast in bed today,” as Kenma was about to unfold the table, he paused in hesitation. It looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he lowered his head onto your lap. Thinking nothing of it, you run your fingers through his soft hair,

“Tired?”

“. . . I guess . . . I don’t know . . .”

You started humming the tune Kenma used to sing to you back then, when the two of you were still normal. The familiar feeling began to cloud your judgement, letting your fingers trace down the nape of Kenma’s neck. He immediately grabs your wrist, startling you from your trance.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he lifts his head.

“I—, sorry, I didn't mean—”

“Your food’s getting cold,” he changes the subject and continues to set up the bed table, arranging the tea and omelette. Before he was able to leave the bed, you reach for his hand,

“Kenma, wait . . .” the words you’ve always wanted to tell him is caught in your throat, “. . . I’m sor—!”

His hands clamp over your mouth as he gently kisses your forehead, softly dragging his cold fingers down to your throat. Unable to shake off the way it made you feel, he left you in silence.

After closing the door, Kenma briskly walked towards the bathroom, turned the faucet on and locked himself in. He leans against the door, slowly sliding down to the floor and pulled his hoodie completely over his head,

“. . . what am I doing? . . .” he sighs, pressing his head into his folded hands.

A moment later, the sound of your footsteps makes him jolt back up to turn the faucet off. He opens the door to see you standing there, knees clasped together.

“Don’t just stand there, move!” you push through him to get to the toilet and quickly kicked your panties off, landing at Kenma’s feet. “Phew, okay, you can leave now.”

Just as you finished cleaning yourself up, he picks up your wet stained panties.

“Hey! Give me those!” you tried grabbing them back from him, while covering yourself.

Fuck it. Kenma decided to cross the line he drew for himself. At this point it didn’t matter to him anymore, nothing mattered to him anymore. Everything that’s been holding him back has reached its limit, and he was more than ready to risk it all.

“What, it’s not like this is my first time seeing you naked.”

“Kuroo can walk in at any moment,” you argued back.

“He left two hours ago. It takes a total of eight hours driving to and from Sendai, plus the amount of stops he probably took to settle them down,” he quietly closes the door. “Which means I’ve about six hours to have you all to myself.”

The weight of Kenma’s words dawned on you. The sound of your heartbeat echoes in your ears, racing at the pace things were moving in. It’s only been a day since you got back, but Kenma had been displaying signs of temptation. You knew he was selfish, but you didn't know he can be this selfish—to the point of sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend. Maybe you should’ve set the boundaries right then and there when you and Kuroo told him about your relationship. But you’ve been sleeping around with Kenma for so long that you didn’t realize that these things weren’t normal for someone in a relationship. It wasn’t right at all, especially to Kuroo. It’s cheating, but—

“Don’t worry, it’ll just be between you and me. I promise,” Kenma cups your face so that your eyes meet with his and draws you into a kiss. You quickly pull away from him,

“Kenma, we can’t. You know we can’t, I’m dating Kuroo, and . . .this is cheating—”

“Only if we get caught,” his fingers trace up your thighs.

You grip his wrist with trembling hands.

“Kenma . . . please, I—I can only hold back so much,” your voice begins to break.

“Do you trust me?” he pauses, waiting for your reply.

With guilt, you shyly nodded.

“That’s my good girl,” he lifts you up onto the edge of the sink. Kissing you along your neck and collarbones.

“Not there, you’ll leave a mark,” you stop him.

“Right, . . . sorry,” he pouts. With how far you’ve already taken the situation, you decided to let go of all senses of your morals.

“Come here,” you reach for his face, pulling him back into a kiss. Shocked that you took the lead, but relieved, he places his hand on your wet spot. The feeling of his fingers brushing over your clit makes you throb inside.

“Look at how messy you’re getting and I haven’t even put my fingers in you yet,” he crosses his fingers. “I know you like it when I do this.”

The twisting motion inside you sends waves of pleasure throughout your body, making your toes curl. Hot breaths escape your wet lips, feeling yourself come closer to ecstasy. Before you could reach your climax, Kenma pulls his fingers out.

“No, no no,” you whined.

“What’s wrong?” he cocked his head, knowing damn well what he’s doing. “You know begging doesn’t work on me, you need to show that you want it.” He leans in closer to your blushing ear. “Now get on those pretty knees of yours.”

The glazed look in your eyes catches Kenma’s attention. A smirk tugs across his face, gently gripping your throat, embracing you into another wet kiss. His teeth softly grazes your bottom lip as he pulls away. Reluctantly, you get on your knees.

You work your tongue, stroking up and down his cock. “Fuck,” he grunts, giving you a sense of pride. Impatiently, you start to touch yourself to relieve that aching feeling,

“Ah, ah, ah,” Kenma pulls you by the hair to get you off his cock. He grabs both of your wrists and pins them over your head against the edge of the sink, preventing you from touching yourself. “I’m not gonna let you take that satisfaction away from me. Now open your mouth nice and wide, and stick your tongue out.”

Your hips squirm and tremble, doing as he says.

“Hrmph!” the impact of his cock thrusts to the back of your throat, his grip tightening around your wrists. Tears stream down your cheeks and saliva dribbles down your chin, taking in every thrust he gives you. You choke on his load, filling you so much that you can’t do anything but swallow.

“You think I’m done?” he pushes you to the floor and turns you over, pinning one leg to your chest. The glint in his eyes tells you how long he’s been waiting for this moment. A single, long, moment to put you in a sloppy daze. You can feel his thumb brushing over your slick folds before pressing it in. Although you’re already a soaking mess down there, he wants to make sure you're fully prepped before going in raw.

“Don’t forget, I have you all to myself for more than a few hours,” he says in your ear as he slowly penetrates you. The tip hits you in the right spot making your walls flutter. Only the sound of your panting and moaning escape your lips.

You forgot how rough Kenma gets when his stress builds up and he has nowhere to vent it off on, but that privilege was taken away from him when you and Kuroo started your relationship. Admittedly, you miss Kenma from before he knew about your relationship with his best friend. You didn’t know how he truly felt about it and didn’t want to ask. You avoided wanting to ask ‘cause you’re scared about knowing how he really feels. The day you confronted him about it was also when he started to become distant and detached from you.

Slowly, your mind enters a daze, getting lost in the comfort you find from his guilty pleasure.

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krinsbez · 3 years ago

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Super-Sizing the Superfamily: A DC Comics Storybuilding Project

So, on a forum I post on, we’ve been working on a storybuilding project. To wit, we plan to envision a selection of Superman and related comic books, if the Superman family was allowed to be even bigger than the Batman family, with multiple Superboys and Supergirls, as well as various other characters. To this end, we are be using multiple different versions of some characters, as well as occasionally decompositing existing characters.

At the bare minimum, I'd like to come up with a set of Superman Family titles (not everyone gets their own book, of course), and plot out a year of storylines, culminating in a Superman Family Crossover. Ideally we'd go beyond that as well, but given how ambitious that goal is, I'm not holding my breath.

The project has hit a bit of a wall ATM, so I figured now was as good a time as any to post what we’ve got so far on Tumblr. With his permission, I am tagging @davidmann95, the Internet’s Premier Supermanologist, to get his opinion, but anyone is free to comment or make suggestions.

We begin with... The "Core" Super-fam. Note that this is not an exhaustive list of characters appearing in this thing: -Clark (Superman) -Lois -Jon (Superboy Blue?) -Chris (Superboy Red?) -Kon (Kid Cadmus) (decomposite, based on original, Jacket version) -Conner (?) (decomposite, based on later, Geoff Johns/YJ version) -Kara Zor-El I AKA Zara (Supernova) (decomposite Modern Supergirl , based on TV Show version) -Kara Nim-El AKA Nara (Supergirl) (Variation on Silver Age Supergirl)* -Kara In-Ze AKA Iara (Blue Bombshell) (DCAU Supergirl)** -Kara Zor-El II AKA Tara (Miss Metropolis) (decomposite Modern Supergirl, based on "Cheerleader" version)*** -"Cir-El" (Tomorrow Girl) -Mae (Matrix) (I'm gonna say that for our purposes, she managed to come back after being separated from Linda) -Linda (Mighty Maid) (as per the post-Earth-Angel part of PAD's comic, with the Earth-Angel thing being backstory which we will leave vague) -Kristen (Superwoman) -Karen (Power Girl)**** -Mon-El (?) -"Uncle Carl" (decomposite Bizarro. Imperfect clone, somewhat "cured") -Bizarro #1 (decomposite, Imperfect duplicate, lives on Htrae, etc.) -Jimmy -Perry -Lucy -Kenan (New Super-Man) -John Henry (Steel) -Natasha (Steel? Starlight?) -Lana -Krypto -Streaky -Ma and Pa (I've seen good arguments for one or both of them being deceased by the modern-era...but I'm including them anyways) Possible members: -Lori Lemaris -Luma Lynai -Marvel Maid and Marvel Man -Vartox -Strange Visitor -Sally Selwyn -Lyla Ler-Rol -Thara Ak-Var -Alpha Centurion -More I'm not thinking of.

*In the Silver Age, Jor-El had two brothers, his younger brother Zor, Kara's dad, and his twin Nim-El. We are making this Kara daughter of the former rather than the latter, born on Argo City, which survived the destruction of Krypton, named for her presumed dead cousin, sent to Earth when the systems keeping the city alive began to fail. **Keeping mostly the S:TAS backstory, with the caveats that the people of Argos were Kryptonian colonists, not a separate species, and that she's a relative of Zor-El's wife Alura In-Ze, with "Kara" and "In-Ze" being common family names. ***Something her ship encountered on her journey to Earth created a duplicate that took even longer to arrive, and was the subject of the previous Superfam crossover. ****The original "Super Girl", magically created by Jimmy wishing into existence a perfect mate for Superman.

Next, The Superfam books and casts thereof (not distinguishing between main, supporting, and recurring characters) (no villains as of yet. Mostly)

-Action Comics: Anthology title, each issue spotlighting different members of the Super-Fam.

No specific cast.

-Superman: Duh.

Somehow, I don't think we've specifically cast this one.

-Lois Lane: Again, duh. Serious journalism, with occasional Wacky Hijinks.

Lois

Clark

Perry

Jimmy

Lucy

Gen. Lane

Lex's administrative staff (Mercy, Ms. Tesmacher, the Loisbot, etc.), whom she is “casually bitchy” with

As-Yet-Unselected-Police-Contact

Bibbo

-Jimmy Olsen: Third verse, same as the first.

Jimmy

The Planet staff

Iara (who he's dating; superspeed makes long =-distance relationships easy)

The New Newsboys (Famous Bobbie included)

Scorn

Ashbury

Misa

-Power Girl: Ditto.

Karen

Atlee

Hiro

Mae

-Cadmus: Again. We're basing this mostly on the bit of Kon's '90s book when he was hanging out on Cadmus, with the caveat that the Hairies moved the Wild Area (and thus the whole damn Project) to a pocket dimension with entrance termini in a number of different locations, including, but not limited to, Metropolis, Honolulu, the Un-Men reservation in Louisiana, and wherever the Justice League of China is headquartered.

Kon

Golden Guardian

The OG now-adult Newsboy Legion

The New Newsboys (Famous Bobbie included)

Dubbilex

Tana

Roxy

Serling

Tekka

Kenan and the JLC

Mickey Cannon

Sam Makoa?

Prince Tuftan and friends

-Adventure Comics: Stories about Conner, Iara, and Tara hanging around Smallville; inspired largely by Kon's late '00s title. Back-up feature is stories about Clark's Superboy years.

Conner

Iara

Tara

Lori Luthor

Lena Luthor I

Simon Valentine

Psionic Lad

Lana

Loretta "Golden Genie" York (the character formerly known as the Yellow Peri)

-Sons of Superman: Starring Jon and Chris.

Chris

Jon

Lois

Clark

Beacon

Jor-El AI

Kelex

Ma & Pa

Lucy

Kon

Conner

Kristin

-Planet Comics: About the adventures of the Daily Planet crew in general. Workplace comedy, Clark keeps the glasses on, mostly.

Perry

Lois

Clark

Jimmy

Cat

Steve Lombard

Ron Troupe

Dirk Armstrong

Angela Chen

(I'd like to feature more of the various folks who've been shown working for the Planet over the years)

-Streets of Metropolis: Comparatively gritty stories about battling street-level crime, starring Gangbuster, Black Lighting and fam, and the MPD.

Jeff

Anissa

Jennifer

Lynn

Gangbuster (let's face it, most of y'all wouldn't recognize his real name)

Maggie

Turpin

Henderson

Leocadio

-National Comics (alt. title: Supernova and the DEO): Zara's adventures trying to make it on her own in National City, whilst helping Alex and the DEO.

Zara

Tara (commuting from Smallville)

Linda

Mon-El

Alex

Director Bones (standing in for the show’s version of J’onn, though the relationship is *probably* less familial)

Cameron Chase?

Winn

Simone D'Neige (standing in for the show’s version of Cat Grant)

Lena Luthor II (standing in for the show’s version of her aunt; we’re assuming that she stayed aged up after being de-Brainiaced)

Dreamer

-Steel and the Girls of Steel (need a better title): Starring John Henry, Natasha, Cir-El, and Traci 13.

John

Henry

Natasha

“Boris”

Cir-El

Mia (i’m counting Cir-El and her alter ego as separate characters)

Traci 13

The Supermen of America (a team, including Super-Chief and “Iron” Munro, inspired by Superman’s example, that John Henry is training)

-Nightwing and Flamebird. Adventures in the Bottle City of Kandor, which is majority Kryptonian but has a sizable population of other species. Despite the title, the eponymous duo are not the protagonists, but rather an ordinary citizen who’s taken it upon themselves to unravel the mystery of their secret identity (the truth is that an assortment of people take turns at wearing those costumes)

-Superman Family. Anthology title, with each issues featuring a team-up between Clark and another member of the Superfam.

No specific cast

There are a few other odds and sods here and there, but that’s most of it, asides from the fact we’ve decided to costume the Supergirls thusly:

-Karen, of course, wears the Power Girl costume. -Cir-El has a distinct costume already. -Linda is rocking the DCSHG look.* -Iara has her S:TAS look.* -I wanna say Nara's wearing one of the Bronze Age-era outfits, but they might be too '70s to really work? -Mae is wearing a somewhat sexier version of the classic look (I'm imagining she's the second-most vavavoom-y of the Supergirls after Karen). -Zara I is wearing the second TV show suit with the pants. -Zara II (Tara?) is wearing the Jim Lee cheerleader outfit. Note: despite both being a miniskirt and bellyshirt, her outfit is notably skimpier than Iara's, with a shorter, lower slung skirt, and a tighter top with...what's the right way of saying there's less of it? This is her deliberately distinguishing herself from her older duplicate's more modest look. *May switch these, IDK.

#Superman #Supergirl #Superboy #Lois Lane #Jimmy Olsen #Fanfic ideas #DC Comics #DC Comics Fanfic

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oh-look-isa-weeb · 3 years ago

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Isa hits 100!!

Event: OPEN!

Hi guys!! It's been a long time coming, but I'm proud to say that we've finally hit 100 followers on this blog! I know that it's not very impressive compared to loads of other blogs, but I really do cherish each and every one of you, and so we're celebrating. I've never done an event before and I hope it doesn't flop, but here goes anyway! Read more under the cut for event details :)

Matchups (5/5) CLOSED!

You heard that right: I'm opening matchups!! I've never done this before, so I'm only taking 5, and the quality of those matchups may be… questionable. But hopefully good! Requesting rules are as follows:

Please provide me a name or pseud to call you! This is mostly for personal reference. It can be an emoji or nickname if you're on anon, but going off anon is always the best bet, because then you'll also be notified when it's done.

Personality > Appearance! Having appearance descriptions is always welcome and useful, but please don't make it the bulk of your ask.

Maximum 2 asks per request! I'm very disorganised, and WILL lose parts of your request if you send in a lot.

Things you should include: your gender + sexuality/gender preference, hobbies, interests, personality traits + quirks! The more oddly specific the better, because then your matchup will be unique :)

Please also state which fandom(s) you would like matchups for. You may request more than one, but please specify which one you prefer, as you will get headcanons for ONE fandom only. The other fandoms will then be character only, with no headcanons.

Drabbles

Hey hey hey!! Send in requests for short little drabbles! They can be in the form of title + character (e.g. A One-way Trip to Pain Town feat. Tsukishima Kei) or situation + character (e.g. period cramps feat Tsukishima Kei) but please specify whether you’re sending in a title or scenario and let me know it’s for the event! No request limit on these so go wild :)

Ask Isa!

Ask me stupid questions from this fun little list to get to know your resident dumbass better, or ask me questions from this cool list to get to know my KnY OC, Umiko! I’ve never shared about her before, but I hope y’all show her some love 🥺 Really, I’d just love if y’all wanna ask me random questions. I wanna start conversations with y’all!

Fill in this feedback form!

I know I’ve asked this a whole bunch of times, but please fill in the survey here if you follow this blog (and if you aren’t… what are you waiting for?) so that I know how to manage my blog better, and what kind of content I should do more/less of. Right now I’ve got 2 responses (cries) which I appreciate a hell lot, but I’d love to hear from more of you. It doesn’t take that long, I promise.

A love letter to my moots…

Hello my loves!! You guys have been the greatest supports I could ask for and I love you all very much!! My tumblr journey would've been very lonely without you all, so thank you for being there <3 I'm not super close to some of you, but regardless of how often we interact, you've had an impact on my journey and I'm very very grateful.

@briswriting bri!! You're one of the very very first people I became moots with! I still look up to you so much as a writer because DAMN your writing is immaculate, and I know you haven't really been back much lately but I appreciate you anyway <3

@nightshade-shot suf :D Thank you so much for sticking with my awkward ass! You're an amazing writer with an admirable tenacity, and I really wish you'd have more confidence in yourself and your writing sometimes because you're honestly so cool. I'm so dang glad that I got the courage to pop into your asks that one time, because you're a great friend and I love you so much.

@kaaytea kay <3 You're one of the sweetest people I've had the honor of interacting with, and I'm so glad to have found a writer who loves both daiya and haikyuu. I love talking to you and discussing little things (see: that daiya-hamilton convo) and you're probably one of my closest moots. Please keep blessing the fandoms (read: me) with your immaculate writing!!!

@nya-vivi !!!! vivi my tag game pal :DD thanks for being there from nearly the very beginning and being so supportive!!! You're always tagging me in tag games, which I'm very grateful for, because I'm shy and would never dare to do them without being tagged (yes, this is an invitation for you to tag me in any and every game you get tagged in)

@lilikags hi lili!! We aren't too close atm but I'm glad that I've gotten the chance to talk to you, and your blog is always a welcome presence on my dash <3 I hope to interact with you more (if my shy ass will let me)!!

@eiijunkun hi nemo :) Another wonderful writer who also writes for both haikyuu and daiya!! It's been a while, I miss you ;-; but I'm really thankful that you popped into my inbox to say hi that one time, and I'm really glad we're friends!!

#isa hits 100!#<- will be using tht tag for the 100 event and its related posts!!

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kai-keda · 4 years ago

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Cowards Die Many Times | DreamSMP Fanfic

Wow okay so I literally JUST made a post flat-out making fun of myself for writing this but in the tags I made a comment of “Should I post this?” and wow three people already reblogged with comments expressing I share.

So, you can thank (or blame lol) @thesmpisonfire @tommyistheprotagofthesmp and @ak3m0n for this being posted here at all. Depending on what the response to this is on here, I may or not post it on a03 and, again, depending on the response, I may or may not make this a sort of collection of one-shots detailing different death scenes and how the characters felt in those moments.

A/N:

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE REAL LIFE STREAMERS!

I view the DreamSMP storyline as a sort of Dungeons and Dragons game with no real DM. Just players running around a world that they create as they go along and cause whatever chaotic instances and plot points they can manage. As such, while I write this and as you read this I want you to remember - burn into your brain - that this story isn’t about the real Minecraft streamers. They aren’t even streamers in this fic, they are fictional characters living in a made-up fictional world. I get that the line is blurred due to the nature of the videos this is based on, but I view it as being sort of like how when you write a character like Spiderman, you’re writing Spiderman, not Tobey Maquire.

All that being said, I really wanted to just write this concept of how death and respawn works with Tubbo from a certain festival event but as it turns out, he is very uncomfortable with the concept of fanfiction written about him. (Thank you SMP-boundaries for your God sent Tumblr) As such, even though I don’t see it as me writing literally him as I’m sure he’s seen plenty of, I won’t include anything from his perspective and try to limit any sort of mention of him. (I can’t bring myself to surgically remove him entirely. That would just be impossible because of how much of a part he plays both in what visibly happens and in Tommy’s development) ALSO PLEASE do not go out of your way and tag or try to show any of the Minecraft streamers/youtubers involved in this (not that y’all would lol). I happen to know that Tommy especially doesn’t want to see them even if he’s okay with them existing.

This was also meant to be a sort of collection of ficlets in one chapter. It was going to include more than this one scene and even include a POV from Wilbur but, uh, wow I got really carried away heh

SO YEAH! Now we got the important bits out of the way, please enjoy~

Cowards Die Many Times

“Do I shoot him Wil, or do I aim for the skies?” It was a heavy question. So heavy he couldn’t bring himself to raise his head. As they stood together and allowed the light reflecting off the water shine on them in a subtle way, Tommy considered his options. The answer should have been obvious. After all, this was war and this duel was their ticket to end it all and free themselves from their previous leader. The one Wil and he had labeled as a tyrant.

Dream.

“Tommy I -” A pause. Tommy looked up at his general. The only man he would ever take orders from. Wilbur Soot. He could see in his eyes that he had messed up. This was a burden Tommy couldn’t handle anymore. The deafening silence lasted for all of two seconds but it felt like eternity. He would never know for sure what Wilbur thought of his outburst and challenge towards their worst enemy, but the answer he received relaxed him. If only for a bit.

“I want you to do whatever your heart tells you.”

Tommy took a deep breath and relaxed it before turning around and going towards the man who hid behind a mask.

“Coward.” He whispered to himself. When he thought the word, he believed it was for Dream but now that he felt it leave his mouth and heard the shake of his voice, he wasn’t sure if it was for himself or not.

He walked to the center of the wooden path and held his bow tight. The tyrant, with his bright green hoodie that seemed to act as a target and challenge, laughed with his friends. With George and Sapnap. As if he felt this was all a game and after he won it would all be over with him holding more than bragging rights. The worst of the scene was that even Eret - the traitor - joined in their fun.

With such thoughts running through his mind, it’s no wonder the decision Tommy came to.

They needed their independence.

And Tommy had the perfect opportunity.

He knew what death felt like. He had nearly grown used to it. Maybe that’s why he was always so quick to start fights, skirmishes and even join wars. That was probably why he felt no regret with this decision to challenge the immediate area’s strongest member.

But if he was so used to death, then why did he shake so much?

Dream finally left his friends behind to watch as he walked towards Tommy. The younger of the two swallowed his nerves and did his best to glare. The smiling mask stared him down. Was Dream glaring under there? Was he shaking within the loosely fit hoodie? Was he…

“Are you taking this seriously at all, Dream?”

“Oh, I don’t know. This seems pretty easy.”

Oh yeah, Tommy was killing him for sure. To hell with any sort of ‘honor’ that supposedly came with throwing away ones shot in a duel, Dream was officially a dead man.

“Remember, Tommy,” Dream stated with his usual calmness, “when I win, you give me the disk, Mellohi, and you all give up this silly tantrum for good.”

Tommy glared even harder as now he was angrier than ever. Dream was always after his music disks, his most prized possessions in this God forsaken land. Betting one of them was worth it if it meant seizing total and complete independence forever for this wonderful vision Wilbur had shared with him.

He thought briefly about the disks. About why they were so treasured by Dream and himself.

For Dream they were merely bargaining tools. Something he could use to keep Tommy under control and stop him from starting anymore fights with anymore members under Dreams thumb. The deal would be that if Tommy got involved in any sort of ‘griefing’ of any kind, Dream would burn the disks. Though, to be completely fair and honest, all of that had started with Sapnap burning an unrelated member's home and then dragging both of the now dueling men into the fight.

But for Tommy? These disks were everything. There was something nostalgic about the sound of music, as though there was something he had long forgotten from a time far behind him. It was incredibly rare where they lived to find such things and Tommy, Tommy had two of them. Each a different mixture of sounds that brought their own unique textures to his mind.

He was not about to throw away his shot.

A whisper entered his mind and he did his best to not give away who it was from. For someone to use this ability, one that made themselves freeze in place and become vulnerable, especially at a time like this, it was important. So he simply continued to glare at Dream.

‘There’s no turning back now, Tommy. Good luck out there. My right hand man.’

Tommy took a deep breath before yelling out as loud as he could. “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!”

At the sound of yelling, Dream, Sapnap, George, Eret and even Tubbo - the only other member as young as the loud blonde child and one of their allies - all laughed. But the rest of his side? His makeshift army? They starred with an apathetic energy Tommy wasn’t sure what to feel about. All looked as though they had given up on this hopeless revolution. The humanoid fox and supposed child of the general, (it was unclear how serious he was of such a claim as it was never confirmed) Fundy, even went so far as to let out a sigh and shake his head.

He never was one to find such outbursts funny. It was as though he felt that Tommy treated this all as a simple game with no consequences. Yeah, he hadn’t experienced death nearly as many times as Tommy had, so maybe he did think more of it.

Wilbur, however, was hardly monotone in his expression and voice. As he spoke his next line, he looked directly at Tommy for only a brief second with worry and, more importantly, sadness. Wilbur had also already given up but as Tommy thought over that look, he realized that Wilbur, the one who was always looking after him as though he were an older brother charged with watching over the youngest child, was apologizing for dragging him into this. For supposedly making Tommy experience the worst possible torture this crazy world had to offer over and over.

Death.

“Are both parties ready?” Wilbur had questioned. After that one look, he refused to even so much as glance at Tommy. The younger one understood. Wil could never help getting emotional in times like these, after all.

Tommy turned to look at his opponent and the damn man was putting on a show of yawning, hardly looking prepared. He really was that confident.

Tommy pointed an accusatory finger at the one who seemed to like to smile a bit too much and yelled out “Are you ready to experience death, Dream?! Cause I’m ready to cause it for you!”

Dream shrugged and stood straight, bow in hand at his side. “Let’s hurry and get this started.”

Wilbur, still not looking at Tommy and, more surprisingly, not saying anything about his outburst of a response, stated the rules of the duel.

Turn their backs to each other, count ten paces - no more, no less - and then fire on your opponent at will. The first to die wins the duel and the agreement.

Either Tommy loses one-half of his most prized possessions, or he gains independence for their nation.

The count began. Tommy thought about what it would be like to kill Dream like this. No tricks, no silly traps and no real plans from either of them. Just a single arrow making contact and he would be dead. It was almost unreal. He would be a hero and would be considered a total badass. Maybe everyone, both enemy and friend, would finally respect him.

The count hit four. His thoughts turned away from such happy fantasies. What if Dream wanted revenge? He never took losing very well. Rather, he took it harshly, and the Lord only knew what George would do to them in unofficial retaliation. Dream would probably lightly suggest George return the favor to Tommy in a whisper and then claim to wash his hands of the incident. Just for the satisfaction of showing power while keeping whatever peace they decide upon after all this.

The count hit seven. Tommy centered himself. Maybe it was a bad idea to allow himself to daydream at this time. He probably should’ve been scanning and studying the terrain thoroughly and thinking of how to use it to his advantage and of how the other could use it against him. Think of a plan or at least a vague idea of the literal millions if not infinite possibilities.

Like hell.

Tommy always thought of plans only when he was backed into a corner and even then he was well into a battle.

Dream was the one to come up with every possible outcome and choose one of nine where he won. Tommy refused to be like Dream.

The count hit ten.

Tommy turned quickly and fired. His arrow went off and almost hit Sapnap, someone who was once an ally, if only temporarily, in his and Dream’s initial war. Way further off his target than the young man was willing to accept.

There was no time to think and sit in denial of being such a terrible shot. No time to listen to Dreams lackies yell at him to be a better aim or watch Tubbo cover his eyes while Fundy simply shrugged as though expecting it. Dream’s first arrow went by his ear so fast he almost felt as though it could deafen him and the older of the two was already aiming his second shot while Tommy was stuck in disbelief.

Tommy quickly moved and jumped to avoid the arrow that he knew would hit him if he didn’t but instead of landing on the wooden path, he crashed into the water. The very lake - or was it a pond? - that served to decorate the land and create a nice scenic area to sit and enjoy time with friends around. Tommy had forgotten all about it just as everyone had probably predicted.

Just as Dream had predicted.

As no arrows came, Tommy figured that Dream was waiting for him to surface so he took the time to ponder on his decisions.

After all, there was no doubt they were coming to bite him in the ass. There was no chance of him getting out of the water and not getting shot to death by a single arrow from his worst enemy.

This was it.

He was going to die again.

How much would it hurt this time? How long would he be stuck in an area of nothingness as whatever God that created them formed a new body? Would he be able to see his friends, to see Wilbur, as they are forced to give away any hope of a special place they could call their own?

Would it be slow and torturous as his body reels from the pain or would it be instant and clean? He had no way of knowing any of these things. He had no way of knowing what this death would feel like as, in his experience, there was no rhyme or reason to any of it.

What would one day only sting for a bit as he was instantly brought back to life, would cause him to spasm and feel his heart stop and his lungs give up their air for what felt like hours. In that one case that comes to mind, to add insult to injury, he would be trapped in that plain area that was completely absent of light and life with no way to contact anyone he loved (or hated).

They all knew this.

They all agreed that the fear of what would happen as you see the attacks coming and you feel yourself growing weaker could only sometimes be worse than the experience itself.

Tommy felt torn by everything in a single moment. If they all knew this, then why did they fight in this war to begin with? Was it worth these moments of pure fear and terrible agony?

Whenever he would die he would return as though nothing ever happened despite his true thoughts and experience. He was not one to talk about things like ‘feelings’ or ‘emotions’. That was something for women and only women. No matter how much Wilbur would try to encourage him to be more open like Tubbo, Tommy was a man. And he was always fighting to prove it.

Yes.

He may be positive he’ll lose. He may be certain there is no chance of winning this duel, but Tommy made a decision in that moment as he swam to the other side of the path.

He was going to die but he’d be damned if he let himself be the cause of Wilbur’s hopes in the form of their very own L’Manberg crashing down forever and for good.

First, he had to make it look good so no one else would suspect what he had hiding in the deepest part of his mind. An actual plan.

He jumped from the lake and pointed his arrow directly at the mask and right between the eyes but before he could fire, he was hit.

Ah. This one was going to hurt.

#dream smp #fanfiction #dream smp fanfiction #tommyinnit #kairi yajuu fanfiction #cowards die many times #that's a Shakespeare #just btw #I was gonna add the scene where Tommy and Dream make the deal with the discs but that ending felt too damn right #when I wrote it and then read a few paragraphs back to that point #and it felt even better when I read through the whole thing several times #for quality control and stuff ya know?#anyways this is probably really cringe hah #hope they don't find this #oh yeah!#Not that y'all would but don't @ any of the creators to try and show them this #most of them don't mind that fanfiction exists #but they would rather pretend it doesn't #cough cough tommyinnit himself

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svtskneecaps · 4 years ago

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my wonderful and incredible pal @memesolvernonchwe made a post w her writing process and then like the legend she is went, hey. let’s make it a trend. so!!!! here is!!!!!

my insane writing process

ideas come when they want. sometimes they spring from movies, sometimes they spring from seeing the antics of people around me, sometimes they come out of spite from seeing a fic with missed potential. regardless, either they come as a fully formed fic, or i get half a fic, or i get the intro sequence to a fic, or i get a useless vibe. they come as spur of the moment or they DON’T COME AT ALL. no writing ideas down either i write it immediately after i get it or i DON’T WRITE IT AT ALL

REGARDLESS, I GET IT.

once i HAVE THE IDEA, we yeet directly into planning. usually it’s an absolute nutshow and i don’t plan outside of a few scattered bullet points so i don’t forget things that happen later. most of the stuff i post on tumblr i don’t plan for on paper; it’s a general list of scenes i plan on hitting and thematic through lines and how i want the characters to benefit and change from it, general stuff like that. but i don’t plan that on paper, that’s just something i keep in mind while writing it

planning stays in my brain and i throw the words on the paper like splatter paint

i write the fics when i have words to get down, so it’s pretty inconsistent. as you can imagine. this bit takes forever and half the time i drop fics in the middle cause i just. don’t know what to do.

sm aus consist of “scripting” everything out; i think i know some people who write it on the fly and i admire that but i have to put everything into a google doc in a script format before i do it and i try to have a majority of the work done before i start posting (because if i don’t then it inevitably goes on hiatus halfway through; see: walls could talk taking a year long break in the middle)

one shots i just try to pound out in one sitting if i can and if i’m being honest, if i go into writing a thing then i just blank out and write words until it’s done half the time. i honestly don’t remember what my brain does while i’m writing. perhaps i’m channeling the spirits of the characters i have no clue, but regardless the words end up on the page and now i have coherent trash!!

most of the time i don’t edit. i make minor edits to oneshots when i read through it to put the italics back in, because google docs and tumblr text posts are barely compatible. sm aus i edit more deeply when i make the screenshots, just by virtue of basically writing the whole thing again, in image form

and I’M GONNA GO ON A TANGENT ABOUT SM AUS BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I’M PUTTING A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THE DAMN THINGS

so sm aus, i script the full thing out in a google doc. once i have the script, i make the profiles. i never plan the profiles, i just wing it once i’m done scripting. they take me at least a business week 90% of the time unless i outsource the profile pictures because that shit takes me actual days

once i have the profiles, i start making the rest of the shit. so to make texts, i text myself and delete the extras. and i used to not have contact headers on my phone so i just. made a contact template in photoshop and reused that a hundred times. but now i have contact headers, so in my most recent au i’ve made a contact library!! also because it’s a time loop au, i made a bank of time stamps, for extra coherency, because i wanted the reader to know when in the day the screenshots were taken, because the reader AND the reader insert know the basic bones of what’s happening throughout the day, so i just wanted the continuity and the like

here’s the contacts library for “play it again” ALONE, right now

i don’t slack off when it comes to that shit lmao

anyway, i use social maker for tweets and instagram and social dummy for things like the youtube screenshots, like i had in “i just see you”, yknow just anything that isn’t twitter and instagram. and then i go into photoshop and get rid of the tiny blue bubble for new tweets, bc it blocks the text and i think it looks Ugly. and i fix the contacts. and if there are typos, i fix those, and if the tweets aren’t all from 1m ago, i photoshop it so they are

photoshopping a part can take between 30 and 60 minutes depending on how much i have to do and if the image count goes over the 10 image photo post limit

there’s a lot of shit that goes into a simple sm au lmao i don’t just make the screenshots and slap them up anymore

sometimes i get somebody to read my writing. sometimes i just say fuck it and toss it onto my blog. especially incredibly long fics, those i don’t get people to read bc like. that takes forever and i don’t want to impose on somebody who’s taking time to read it out of the goodness of their heart. so usually i just start posting it and to hell with coherency. i’m here for a good time not a long time and by god i’ll act like it, at least on this hellsite

and then i post it. slam a gif into the header, use the same series of tags with the member’s name being the only thing i change, and slam that baby onto peoples’ dash. seems to work pretty well.

i work best winging it and it’s worked out so far. i’m vibing. i’m having a great time.

HEY, USE THIS AS YOUR EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PROCESS TOO, I LOVE YOU: @gallivantingheart @carat

#not kpop #shut up vic

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floralgothpersephone · 5 years ago

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Top Fave Fandoms

@akai-vampire tagged me in one of these fun little tag games. Thanks darlin! <3 <3 <3 I appreciate the thought!

Rules: Name your top 10 fav character from 10 different fandoms (and tag 10 people).

Most people are putting in .gifs for each fandom... but I wrote a ... well a paragraph about my experience in each fandom instead because I am feeling some deep sort of nostalgia these days and felt like reflecting... so its all under a read more tag if you are interested in my ramblings.

In order of my own discovery, and not importance!

Twilight: Team Edward. don’t @ me, it was my first fandom experience and I wrote SO MUCH fanfiction before I knew it was even a thing. I published it on DeviantART thinking I was so clever, and finding fanfic dot net was WILD. My interest in that fandom was immediately crushed dead the day after Breaking Dawn was officially released and I realized I had read better fanfiction then what cannon gave me. I never even saw the movies because my interest was just gone. *shrugs* But the re-emergence of Twilight recently is giving me life.

Teen Titans: BBRae... Then RobRae.... then RaeX.... then StarRae... then CyRae... listen.... Raven deserves all the love and attention??? Also, I was in this fandom back when the original series was being released and was in complete denial when it got canceled. And for years I was just reading fanfiction that had been completely abandoned as fanfiction authors just kinda disappeared one by one? It was like, interacting of pieces of history left behind in a void. I was still deep in the Teen Titan fandom when Teen Titans GO! Got released. So during that very very long time of zero new content, I got to re-evaluate all of my fanfiction standards and completely read most every single Teen Titan fic ever written in my thirst for more. Suddenly ships didn’t matter as much to me, I’d take anything and everything. So when Teen Titans GO! Came out, I LIKED IT AND STILL DO. I still think the years and years and years of being in the Teen Titans fandom and being pretty damn isolated from social interaction kinda ruined me for fandoms that are still alive. Social fandom interaction??? hahahahaha, whats that???

Akagami no Shirayukihime: Obiyuki... this was a complete accident and I only fell into this fandom because my fave Teen Titans fandom author was writing for it, and I was reading the fanfiction without ever seeing the show, and like, kinda loved these characters a TON??? Oh no??? Real talk, I read most of the fanfiction published by the fandom before ever actually watching the actual tv show or reading the actual manga. But the fanfiction was so good and so engaging and I was learning all about these characters through this mystery game of putting all the parts together by all the different authors??? I loved learning about these characters through the people who love them the most, and it was magical. But then that became my dirty dark secret as I was suddenly welcomed into one of the most kindest and generous online communities I have ever met??? I have nothing but absolute love for the Obiyuki fandom and family. I had never experienced that kind of community before and looking back on it I still don’t think it was real, stuff like that you can only dream of sometimes. I sat down and actually read that manga and Fiona sat with me so that I watched the tv series so that I could properly engage with them because I liked the people so much. And when life hit me square in the face and I had a complete mental breakdown in grad school, and socializing with people online would give me complete anxiety attacks... and I had to step away from it. But I still mourn loosing that, and I keep trying every so often to see if I can interact again but I fear some chapters just close, and I hold the time I had with it, and the memories from then very lovingly. I will finish those fanfictions though. Even though I have no idea what has happen in the manga anymore I want to at least finish those stories like what they deserve.

Miraculous Ladybug: Love Square. Sooo much love square. All the love square. Only the softest, gentlest, most innocent fluff to cope with the world and all my anxieties, and this stupid show gave me all of that. Plus, there was so much fanfiction to choose from that I was actually able to use tags and warnings to be able to navigate finding things that were safe and not feeling like my options were limited? It was so good to me. I also had never actually watched this show, and was only reading fanfiction of it for... honestly a full year. And when I did actually watch the first 2 seasons... I still didn’t watch the new episodes when they got released, because I much prefer watching the fandom loose their collective mind and getting to play the mystery game of what the hell happened in the show according to the little spoilers and the things people were screaming about. It was fun spectating, and putting it all together. Then reading the fix-it fanfiction and being like “whoa wait, hold up CANON DID WHAT???” ... Honestly I am pretty certain I still haven’t seen at least 10 episodes. But I know everything that happened now! Have I mentioned that I have an insane amount of anxiety of actually watching tv shows on my own? I must have company or else it will never happen. Shout out to Fiona for sitting down and watching Ladybug episodes with me while I screamed into a pillow. And for the record, I did start writing a fanfiction for this one. But I learned my lesson and decided not to post anything until it was finished so I didn’t have to live with the guilt of yet another unfinished story to my name. It was a little mermaid AU, and Adrien is the mermaid princess obviously, while Marinette is a badass pirate. It was fun to outline and write like, 3 chapters but i doubt I will ever actually finish it.

Greek Mythology: Hades/Persephone. Yoooo this is my current thing. I am living for the walking contradiction of the powerful stern Lord of the Underworld falling for a little tiny goddess of Spring... and then finding out the little tiny ray of sunshine is really a complete force of nature to be reckoned with and he just crowned her Queen of the Dead. Beautiful. Poetry. *chefs kiss* Also. I DON”T HAVE TO WATCH ANYTHING. AND ALSO. ITS AN ANCIENT STORY SO LIKE, NO SPOILERS TO NAVIGATE. lol. But honestly this is just a re-awakening of little middle school Becca who was obsessed with the Odyssey and was learning how to throw pottery so that she could actually date her pots, to help out the archaeologists in the future. (honest to god, that one of my main motivations as a little 6th grader making her first pots on wheel) And she was making these super shitty small greek pots and giving them to her English teacher because her English teacher loved the Odessey too. And then Greece had a complete economic collapse and crushed all of baby-Becca’s dreams to get to travel to Greece and see the greek pottery. And she delt with that heartbreak by pretending it didn’t matter and went and found other cool pottery to fall in love with instead. But now its back with a vengeance and once again Becca’s plans to go to Greece got destroyed by yet another economic collapse but this one is just Pandemic style. I am going to get to Greece so help me gods. And yes, I have written fanficiton for this one too, and its honestly like, pretty fleshed out and written down heavily in my notes. I just have to like, type it all out and polish it. But, we will see. I am not allowed to have nice things until I finish the stories that are already posted. :[

Hadestown: Hades and Persephone, love that made the world go round. This gets its own bullet because its a different category because its a Musical even if its also a Greek Myth. And talk about reading all the fanfiction before seeing the source material. But isn’t that the case with most Broadway musicals? LOL. But its okay, I actually went and SAW the musical for this one, and once again, Fiona joined me. I’m starting to wonder if my Fiona is just my fandom anxiety buddy. Also shout out to the Rona for canceling my plans to see it again, not once, but twice now. (I have to go back because I didn’t get to see Amber Gray perform the first time, and hello I am obsessed with Persephone she is my favorite and I really really really just need to hear Amber growl in person okay???) I do have nightmares that she has left the show for good and I will never see her perform Persephone. Like legitimately have had that nightmare multiple times this week. I am just recently trying to navigate the Hadestown fandom on tumblr and still fumbling around with that. No fanfiction for this one yet, but I am making fan-pottery so like. That counts.

Aaaaand you only get 6 fandoms because these are the only 6 that truly matter. Anything else I have been interested in has only been a passing fancy and never one of the true hyperfixations. Also if you got this far and actually read everything, well done, I am impressed. Thanks for taking interest in my ramblings. <3

If I am tagging you its cause I want to play the game, don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to play. <3

@bookloverfio @ruleofexception @wingsofgossamer @claudeng80 @puns-are-funs65 @ourladyoftheundcrground @peachdoxie

#Beccas musings #Becca rambles #Becca does a tag game #and writes a full essay instead #Have some Becca thoughts for anyone interested #I am honestly not sure who would be interested in this but hey #you never know

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texanredrose · 6 years ago

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Vent Post

Alright, I don’t typically do this, but I’ve hit my limit. Please understand, while I appreciate the love and support my stories have received, there is a trend that I have to address because it’s gotten to the point where it’s beyond ridiculous. After talking about it here, I honestly don’t want to have to bring it up again, and I expect no one to go harassing others over it. This isn’t directed at a single person and, for the most part, y’all have been wonderful; I truly couldn’t be more thankful.

However, if you’ve ever left a comment/review regarding Queens of Vale on another work of mine, especially if you didn’t ever leave a comment/review on Queens of Vale itself, and doubly so if you did that without actually reading the contents of the work in question? This is for you.

TL;DR: to everyone who loves Queens of Vale, I’m so sorry the next chapter hasn’t been posted yet. I would love nothing more than to return to it. But I also haven’t gone two weeks without someone using one of my other works to try to guilt trip me into posting it, and that kinda ticks me off.

Text contents of the above picture: “YYBB does have a point. I would LOVE to go back to working on QoV- or Freezerburn fics in general, really- but the amount of comments in that vein I've received have made it a sore spot, to the point where I've considered deleting it from FFN and AO3 entirely just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's also a big reason why I don't post promptly from tumblr to AO3/FFN, because each time I do- even though I've completely stopped writing FB and QoV- I get at least one comment/review/PM like this. I thank you for at least addressing the contents of THIS fic, since a lot of the ones I've received don't do that. You've also at least reviewed QoV before which, again, is something most people DON'T do when they leave comments like this on my other fics.

None of my fics are forgotten or abandoned. I go back and reread them myself and work on updates for them all the time! The next update for QoV, for instance, has been nearly completed for the better part of a year now. But I write what strikes my fancy in the moment and constantly being treated like my hobby should be dictated by others is extremely discouraging. Ultimately, I'm going to do what makes me happiest, because until writing starts paying my bills, I've really no inclination to put undue pressure on myself by compromising my free time to meet arbitrary deadlines.

I DO appreciate that you love the story. A lot of people do and that's fine! I'm absolutely FLOORED by how many fell in love with it! But, if people stopped hounding me to update it (the current record is less than two weeks), it would've HAD an update by now, much like several other fics that I updated or wrote sequels that no one asked for.

I also apologize for the wall of text. This just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back. (I usually delete the aforementioned comments/reviews- which is hard as hell to do on FFN btw- but silence isn't getting me anywhere, so it seems like a tumblr post is in order.)”

For well over a year, I’ve been receiving all manner of comments/reviews/PMs/asks regarding the next update for QoV. They’ve ranged from polite questions to outright demands. At first, I tried to take them with a grain of salt- for anyone who actually read the Author’s Note at the end of the last chapter, you’ll know that I had to rewrite chapters, and thus it would take time for the next update to come because I had other commitments- but as time wore on, I became discouraged from continuing it when the other, smaller things I’d written started getting reviews/comments addressing QoV instead.

I love the stories I’ve written. I love the characters I’ve written. I genuinely care about each and every one and try to put the same love and care into all of them. Can you imagine how frustrating it can be when someone who didn’t even bother to tell you they liked something only mentions it when you’ve offered up something different? And people trying to guilt me into it, like I owe anything to people who couldn’t give the five seconds it takes to type up “this is cute” or “I like this”?

Understand, I’ve been putting up with this for three years- you would be shocked by how many people combed through my previous works to comment about how “it’s too bad you don’t write [ship] because your writing is so good!” Like, examine that statement for a minute; if my writing’s that good, does it matter which ship I write? Judging by how many people have responded to even the most niche ships I’ve written for, I’m going to answer that: no, it absolutely doesn’t. It’s just a method of trying to make me doubt my own abilities and passion, to push me to write something I don’t want to write.

Incidentally, my NOTP list? Entirely comprised of the suggestions other people have provided in reviews/comments like that. Because I don’t believe in rewarding bullies or praising bad behavior by bending to it, even for ships I honestly wouldn’t mind writing. So I’ve dealt with this, on a regular basis, all this time, in silence.

But enough is enough. The ones I’ve gotten recently? Couldn’t even be bothered to read the “this is a commission” literally at the top; the story’s written (mostly), I’m just posting at the customer’s request.

Do you know how infuriating that is? Here I am, writing something that literally tells you what’s up, but you aren’t going to read it because... you want to read... something else? ??? Where is the logic? How can I even be sure you read any part of QoV- because, again, a lot of people doing this didn’t comment/review, so it’s not like I know for sure- and aren’t just doing it for some sort of smug satisfaction? Really, there’s no motivation here to even open the draft.

Y’all, I’m sorry for getting so long winded about this, but it has been building for a while. I’m a little annoyed, to put things lightly. And, yes, I have considered pulling the story from the internet entirely; I’ve gotten to that point before because if anyone thinks I’m scared of threats, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll call your bluff and look you in the eye while I do it. I’ve tagged people before, telling them to save a local copy- that’s how close I’ve been to just washing my hands of it.

And the thing that hurts most of all is knowing that a lot of really good, kind people love the story, too. People who’ve been patient and understanding would love to see an update. Hell, I only even wrote it because Maka made the suggestion! Y’all are the only reason I haven’t deleted QoV and keep working on the draft. But if I post it, the people who’ve been hounding me will think their tactics worked, and they’ll either try to do it on another work of mine or to another writer entirely, and that’s the last thing I want.

So I’m just coming right out and saying it. Until I can go three weeks without someone using another fic of mine to demand an update, QoV will be abandoned. It sucks because I was so looking forward to this arc, which was going to set up some really epic scenes towards the end and focus pretty heavily on the relationship between Yang and Weiss, as well as their relationship with the rest of Patch. I was so looking forward to it, y’all don’t even know! Whenever I start reading over the draft, I get excited all over again!

I really wish it hadn’t come to this. I put out what I think is a lot of content- I’m already over 331k words for 2018, and there’s still more to come; I’m on track to exceed last year’s 340k words- but I’m doing this for fun. I love writing and telling stories, but I’m going to tell the stories I want to tell and I’m too damn stubborn for that to change any time soon.

I’ve always told y’all I’m an asshole. I’m sorry to be a dick but I’m not going to back down because a bunch of people who haven’t spent hours working on stories of their own think it’s okay to dictate how I should be doing it.

And I swear to God if someone waits three weeks and one day to do this shit again, y’all will know. Y’all will know immediately.

#Tex has some shit to get off their chest #and the sad thing is I already KNOW the people who need to read this won't #so this is just screaming into the void #but goddamnit the void's going to listen

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itsclowreedsfault · 7 years ago

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I was tagged by @lovingnikiforov. Thank you Dessa <3

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

I used to have a different username which I dare not say because it was so fucking embarassing, back from my FF.net and writing for HP when I was 12 days lol right before I started writing for BNHA though I changed my AO3 username to match my tumblr one, because you know... brand recognition and all that. (damn you twitter and your character limit)

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

Bookmarks - what really matters (113) Subscriptions - Wandering Wolf (101) Hits - what really matters (3860) Kudos - what really matters (503) (holy shit you guys really love this fic huh)

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It’s a silly image but I love it, and it illustrates the two things I love the most: cats and books :3 I actually had a friend draw that for me back when I was planning on using it on a bookish blog I had, but I never really used it.

(putting the rest under the cut since there’s a lot of questions)

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I do have regulars that I recognize always popping up on my inbox and I love them dearly ♥ As for favorites, every commenter is a favorite of mine okay, if you leave me a comment you gain a star on my favorites list. But I do have a few of the comments that got to me the most coming up on a post for @ficwritersweek next week, so keep an eye out for that!

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I used to have a habit of rereading, but lately I haven’t even had time to keep up with all the fics I’d like to read, so I haven’t reread anything in a looooong time.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

Subscribed to 16, and 75 bookmarked. I’m actually pretty picky about the fics I subscribe to/bookmark >.<

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Fantasy AUs in general. I have a weakness for those okay, I love worldbuilding.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

Subscriptions: 48 Bookmarked: 740

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Nothing I have thought of yet, no haha 10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

writing in general Holy shit what I wouldn’t give to be able to maintain a regular update schedule. Bless all my readers who are reading my WIPs because I know I take a long time to update. (for those reading Wandering Wolf btw fear not, I know it’s been like, 2 months *hides self in embarassment* but I promise the last chapter will be out sooner rather than later).

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

If I consider every fandom I’ve ever written for, popular ships. Back when I started writing for BNHA (which is like half my fics) TodoBaku was a rarepair, but at this point I don’t think it can be considered that anymore, although it’s not popular like others.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

38.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

I have no idea, since I have stuff across google drive, zen writer, and my computer folder and am too lazy to count them lol

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

When it’s an idea that (I think) is going somewhere, I write them down. They stay in my head for quite a while taking shape before that, though.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

That it’s posted (and finished lol), no.

16. How did you discover AO3?

I think it was probably through tumblr? Believe it or not I had no idea AO3 existed back until I joined anime fandom in 2016. I was away from fandoms in general for many years so I only had knowledge of FF.Net :P

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

For all my previous fandoms, hell no, I don’t think anyone would even know my username xD As for BNHA, if we’re thinking of the fandom as a whole, no. I’d say I’m kinda popular with the TodoBaku fandom, though.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Not really.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Hmm, if we’re talking about fics especifically, I’d say everyone in the FicWriters Family from the Grimmauld Place HP forum. Those people were my first contact with fanfic (and fandom friendships) and they were absolutely amazing and inspiring ♥

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

First of all: keep writing. Even if at first you don’t get a lot of attention, keep writing, because you can bet someone out there reads your stuff and is happy that you’re posting them. Second, I found that having a group of people you can share your fics with helps - I think a good part of the reason why I even started getting readers for my TodoBaku fics was because I’d share the links in the Discord server for the ship and the people there would read them.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Depends. With one-shots I usually wing it (unless it’s a long one like Silver Lining was). For multichapters, I outline, though most of the time things get out of control and I end up changing things a lot from the original plan :P

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Thank God, no. With the way I doubt my writing even without getting those, I’d probably be crying everytime I tried to write a word for the next months, at least. don’t be like me

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Smut is my doom. I takes me ridiculously long to write and never comes out the way I wish it did xD I also have a hard time writing angst.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

everything we (never) planned (todobaku urban fantasy/fake dating au)

Wandering Wolf (todobaku fantasy au)

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Depends on what you mean by “plan”. I have tons of ideas, some with vague scenes/outlines planned, but I tend to focus on one story (or chapter) at a time.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

At this point my goal is just to write every day lol and I’m failing spectacularly at it

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Holy shit, yes. So much. Let’s not even consider the fics I wrote when I was 11 because *cringe* but even if I take the stuff I wrote last year when I started getting back into writing fic I can already see a huge difference. Actually, even if I take my first TodoBaku fics from a few months ago, I feel like my writing now has changed a lot from what it was back then.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

Wandering Wolf. Even though it’s not finished yet, I am really attached to this AU and I love writing it. I consider it one of my best fics so far.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

Any of my older cringe-worthy smut fics which I refuse to link for the embarassment lol

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Since I’m a slow af writer who has yet to go back to writing original fiction I’m not gonna say with a novel written, but I hope to at least have started working on one.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

This is gonna be a conflicting answer, but I’d say worldbuilding. Funny enough, it can also be one of the hardest things, but while it’s a lot of work I tend to have an easiest time slipping worldbuilding into a story than, say, writing dialogue or figuring out plot.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Not letting self-doubt stop you. No, for real, I mean it. Dialogue is hard? Yes. Description is hard? Yes. Action scenes are hard? Yes. But being able to force yourself to keep writing even when you feel like every single word you write is shit and want to compare yourself to everyone else - that’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, and am constantly fighting to do.

33. Why do you write?

The simplest answer would be, because it’s something I love doing. I love coming up with new worlds, new stories, knowing that I’m sharing something that people are interested in. It goes way beyond that, but suddenly I can’t write well enough to express the feeling (oh, the irony).

I’m going to tag: @chosenofkagami, @cloversdreams, @xenophonspeaks, @ninannarambling and @auriadne. If any of you don’t want to do this feel free to ignore it! :)

#tag

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hotwing-sauce · 7 years ago

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Hello! I was wondering if you could recommend any billdip stories? ( And ChasexJack!!! ) I'm currently stuck on vacation and I would love a good read right now- I've read all your stuff and I love it!!! I think you made a post about what stories you like a while ago but I can't find it? If you can, thank you so much! If not, I'll just read your stuff for like the tenth time again, lol! Keep up the amazing work!

Well hullo there! I certainly can, my billdip and chack loving friend!

I’m going to start with billdip, cause that’s the one you asked about!

—-

At My God’s Feet, I Show My Devotion by @arceustheoriginalone

“Dipper Pines is selected to be the sacrifice for the God that protects his village, The Golden One Who Walks In Dreams

Dressed in the finest silks and weighed down with more than just gold, he ascends the temple stairs that will take him to the end of his mortal life, his soul destined to forever walk the Mindscape. It was there, at the top of the world, where he saw Him, their God, Cipher. It was here, at the alter, where Dipper Pines was destined to die.

Too bad Cipher decides he’s worth keeping.“

10/10, probably my favourite billdip fic in the existence of billdip fanfiction. I mean, the writing style stole my heart. Not to mention the plot is something is something that I genuinely enjoy.

Octobill by @tswwwit

(Homey if you don’t want me to tag you just DM me/I know your tumblr is different then your ao3)

It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Midnight Snack by @roboticspacecase

Dipper stops at a hotel on his way to visit Mabel and finds a tasty looking human to snack on.

Thankfully the stranger is into it because Dipper��s flirting skills suck.

Vampires from the legend herself! If you were a fan of Bite Me, or just a vampire AU in general, you’ll like this!

Chack time, what everyone here comes for (jk, the fandom is dead):

Self-Control by TheFluffyPrince

It was nasty, it was wrong, it was taboo. So of course, Jack wanted to do it.

It’s dragonfucking and I love possessive reptiles fucking humans.

Beat the Heat by Orhpan_Account

Chase was close to conquering his curse, until a monkey wrench was thrown into the works.

I’m really sad that the person who wrote this orphaned it. They were a wonderful author, and I wish I could send them like. Money for making me happy with more dragonfucking smut. Yeah. You heard me. More dragonfucking. Sue me.

The Thing About Bad Pennies by CrystallicSky

They always come back.

This fic also makes me inexplicably sad. It hasn’t updated recently, but this fic is actually the one that got me into writing Chack. I adore this authors writing, and you’ll find it on literally all Chack recommendation lists. Favourite author, hands down. In fact, just head on over to FF.NET or even just hang out on her ao3. She literally has enough work to keep you entertained for the rest of your vaca.

Something Mighty Suspicious by Silvarbelle

Jack behaves very, very suspiciously and Chase Young has to make a decision on what to do about it.

First Chack fic I ever read, still one of my favourites.

—

Now, I know you said billdip and chack, but just in case you’re a little bored and aren’t too picky about your ships, here are a few others!

This Male Has Overslept by @tswwwit

This male naga has overslept. Now, the season is almost over.

Luckily, there’s a brave adventurer nearby! Ready and willing to wake him with Love’s First Annoyance.

This is an original work that like, I would love to see more of? It’s so cute. 10/10 would buy a novel about these two.

dragonfucking by dragonfucker

Oh look. More….dragon…fucking….

Don’t let the summary fool you, this is motherfucking gold. It’s a Hanzo/Spirit Dragons fic, the only one of it’s kind. I’m not even a huge Overwatch fan, in fact I’ve never played it, I know like, the names of five of the characters, but damn.

Move A Heart To Wake by Farasha

Yuri Plisetsky has been suppressing his first heat since he hit puberty. It can come at any time, which is why he’s cautious. But even modern medicine has its limits, and when he goes into heat unexpectedly, he drags Victor into heat with him. It’s a good thing Yuuri has so much stamina.

It’s a threesome between Yuuri/Yuri/Victor. With Yuuri as the alpha. Can I get a hallelujah?

We’ll Walk In Ecstasy by eagle_of_idiocy(flamingofics)

An alien anomaly changes Jim in a way no one could have predicted. His relationship with Spock is ultimately put to the test.

The Chase by eagle_of_idiocy(flamingofics)

When Pon Farr strikes, Kirk uses it to his advantage and leads Spock on a wild chase throughout the Enterprise. An unimpressed McCoy is caught in the middle of it all.

Both of these last two fics are Spirk–mainly because I am a big an of Star Trek. Theyre just beautifully written and have served as a huge inspiration over the last few years.

—-

Annndd that’s all folks. If you ever want more fic recs from fandoms you’re not in, I have plenty! Or ones you are in. I’m not really into a lot of Billdip nowadays, but I can see what else I can find aha.

Thank you for the ask, and I hope you enjoy!!!

#billdip #chack #reccomendations #i have a thing for dragons #so #if anyone ever wants to write me a gift fic #just #dragon sex #any fandom #i don't even care #just dragons fucking humans #i am a tetrophile and a xenophile #god #someone write me a dragonfucking fic

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commedias · 7 years ago

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hello friends !! i am v v tired and emotionally distraught over the fact i was wrongfully terminated today but in more exciting news, this blog has officially turned ONE month old and i hit 200 followers today :-) thus, this calls for my first follow forever. i’ll also be prefacing it with a super cheesy blurb abt how much i love this blog and all of y’all, so buckle your seatbelts and get ready to go !!

when i started this blog, i had no idea i would experience this much joy from writing and interacting with all of you !! i had rp'ed in the past in groups, indie, and 1x1, but this was my first time really entering the krpc, or for those of you don't know korean roleplaying community. i remember using kpop fcs in groups and often being ignored for not using a lot of the mainstream fcs in american pop culture. now that i have this blog, i feel so #blessed to be able to interact with others who use kpop fcs and have high-quality writing as well !! on a more personal note, this blog has really helped me keep in touch with my writing and overall self. writing has always been difficult for me bc i felt like it was so time-consuming (not like i have anything else to do) and obligatory especially within the tumblr community, but all of you have been so patient while i dealt with irl problems such as work and college !! as a result, it really encourages me to try my hardest and push myself as a writer to reply as efficiently as possible. occupying myself like this has kept my mind off of other things going in my life in a way that my own personal writing outside of tumblr couldn't do. it always took me back to the dark place where i was alerady at, a lot of relating to my own personal experiences. now i'm ngl, there's some self-insert here and there with my characters. wooyoung was created to help me sort out my alcoholc tendencies. but the stories themselves take on an entirely new light, your muses helping mine develop into BETTER characters and people overall. being able to create this growth not only encourages me as a writer, but as a person as well. i personally connect with my characters a lot even if they lead different lives than me and care for them as if they were real. even if i'm not always the strongest for myself, knowing that i have my muses, our threads, and a loving community keeps me grounded. i don't rly have many other ppl in my life, so to have the krpc supporting and interacting with me has given me the boost i need. thank you all so much for that. now onto the more fun stuff !!

@chimxrical: although i touched upon it briefly in my other positivity post, you've helped both me and hongbin grow so much. ours was the first thread to truly grab me and push me beyond the standard threads that die out or don't grow very much. you always replied so quickly and it rly made me excited to see how interested you were in our thread as well. i never expected hongbin to grow to as much as he has thus far, only the construct "sugar daddy politician" in my mind when i first conceived him. he had an icy air as part of his job that i myself even couldn't penetrate through at first without meifen warming up to him. his interactions with her really unveiled to me the more intimate layers of his character, that he had a lot of pain and tenderness going on beyond his work. that he didn't always have to be as tough as his work made him, that it was okay for him to dive into the softer dimensions of his personality. i didn't go into hongbin x meifen with all the details that we know about him know like his schizophrenic mother and his strong notions of justice and making the world a better place. but the more he interacted with meifen, the more insight i began to gain into who he was and how deeply his details connected with me. hongbin and meifen's (and don't forget kyungri's) headcanons have always brought joy to me and i love thinking of how far hongbin and meifen will get together the more that our thread develops. and for you as a mun, you've always been SO patient and supportive. whenever i have questions or just want to share something with you, you welcome me with open arms. you have such a kind heart and it shows through all of your characters. thank you for always being there and your wonderful replies to our threads <3

@cxrrvptvs: omg where do i begin ?? i love stanning exo with you and internally screaming over all of the angst between taeyong and jinwoo and all the fluff between sunghyun and dohyun. our muses just love each other very much and it's one of the best things that's happened like ?? your replies are always on point and i love all of your muses. you portray them so amazingly and i love it whenever you add a new one !! your threads with other ppl are so fun to read too tho i do kind of side eye like taeyong's jealous ass would but it's all good bc that's how multi-muse shipping works :-) hands down one of my favorite ppl to roleplay with and i can't wait to have a million more threads with you !!

@justlysts: ahhh what a beautiful child (even tho you're older than me) i know i'm trash at replying to im's and just distance myself from ppl in general, but don't ever think you can't come tell me about your life. i know today you were salty abt those ppl you had to talk to for the concert tickets, but in any other case when u wanna talk lmao !! i don't have a job now so i'll have plenty of time to listen :-) appreciate yourself more bc i love your aesthetic and ur cute hair and korean styles. you have such a cute personality and i love u sending me a million guys to rate. i can tell you're going to go far in life as cliche as that sounds and i'm down to support you in whatever you decide to do.

@sekairph: we've only known each other for a short time but we already fangirl over exo and wooyoung x kiara together and it's so wonderful. i love how much work you put into tumblr from your replies to your resources as a rph and your content is always on point !! i remember when u first messaged me and called me out for how much i reblog you like i honestly didn't even know i was reblogging all of it from you i'm just exo trash rip. your writing is so good and i love hearing insight on kiara with each reply, not strictly limiting into dialogue. our characters have sm natural chemistry and the plot we selected was so bomb like ?? you're so sweet and i wish you all the best and that you'll dream sweet dreams of sehun the next time you sleep. i can't wait to plot more in the future and see where kiara and wooyoung go !! his personality has really started to take more shape around her since i rly didn't know what i was doing with him at first lmao and it's helped me so much with his character so thank you for that :-)

@paidsoul: honestly the realest person out here in this blue hell. even tho tumblr is a sensitive place, i appreciate how honest and firm you are in your convictions and don't make up bs excuses to get out of uncomfortable situations. idk i'm not articulating this the best, but i like how upfront you are rather than following the typical tumblr etiquette of "oh sorry love ahaha :-)!" and shit like that, ya feel ?? your muses' backstories always run me over with a bulldozer but like they're so good and well-thought out ?? like your angst has reasoning behind it rather than the tortured artist with no parents who gets drunk and paints a tree and thinks he's a fuckin rembrandt smh... ANYWAYS thank you for all the inspiration (sounds cliche, i guess life advice) you've given me and i'll take it to heart since someone needs to get thru to my problematic ass. i can't wait to get know you more as a person and also interact thru our threads and have lots of angst together !! also thanks for getting me into the supernatural vibe like fuck i love yanny so much already and deadass i'll probably add more spn muses in the future like a mermaid lmao or MAYBE a demon so i can have heart-wrenching backstories like you (tho i mean my human muses have some angst too like sunghyun and his dead mother) and make myself and partners in threads emotionally distraught.

@sxvrn: okay side note i could have SWORE in our messages u told me your new url was supposed to be like based off 'salvation' but that the original url u thought of started a v or something and looked nothing like salvation lmao bc that's how i feel rn abt your url like i had to copy and paste it but i'm just HAPPY i found your new blog bc i never wanna lose our threads </3 continuing on that tho, i don't see it in my messages now tho and i checked both on mobile and the computer and all it says that you were worried abt changing it bc ppl might not find you but nothing's showing up about the salvation thing so i'm like mandela effect ?? ANYWAYS i'm happy i found your new blog so i could tag you in this (not so) little thing. i live for youngjae's problematic ass messing with sweet lil minsoo, as i've said at least a billion times before. a lot of this would probably be rehashing what i said in my last positivity post about you but idk you're just great ?? like bless you for not sleeping on kim minseok and keeping kuhn as a muse you are a good human being. whenever you post a starter in the tags, i'm always lurking on it like even before we starting talking ooc i kept reading them and thinking who is this amazingly creative person ?? i can't wait to see how your new blog and muses unfolds and i hope that you got over your case of writer's block !!

@grcviity: i used to think snap threads were boring and then you happened and i'm obsessed now *exo voice* someone call the doctor. thank you for your quality snaps and using kihyun monsta x is gonna rise one of these days i tell you. i'm curious to see how our characters interact outside of snap lmao, but i'm sure it will be just as good, if not better. your muses are so god damn cute and so are you <3

@stcrgirls: ayyy your personality is just so fun and so is yeuna tbh !! your replies are always a joy to read and kihyun and yeuna hit home with those feels omg. thanks for letting me tell u abt my college orientation and the lyft driver who i got into ko ko bop !! keep reppin' us pinays, girl, and btw that reminds me you're so pretty like who are you omg ?? your munday selfies were on point i was like damn girl you're mestizo. both pretty inside and out, i wish you all the best and can't wait to see how our threads grow together !!

ok so we're not here all night, here's some other lil cuties i wanted to give a shout-out to: @quietuptownx, @powerpuffs, @licnhrts, @mujehan, @ofwildblossoms, @dearcherryblossoms, @liquoidtears, @pxlimpsest, @rosevined, @niqhtowls, @slideivy, @realizcation, @bcrmuda, @likewinter, @honeyedsins, @shrinemade, @findmexsaveme, @flxrvl, @lawsqwad, @landrogynous, @blazedfires, @pvxilatc, @cacotheisms, @pinkbvbblegvm, @simpaticos, @tearedrops, @undersunrise, @lustrcvs, @fckxillusion, @fckfanxychild,

thank you once again to EVERYONE who made this possible, who continually supported me and waited for my turtle speed replies. thank you to mutuals who i don't talk to yet, but would love to. and even if i haven't followed you back, thank you a million times over. seeing my blog grow has gotten me so excited and given me some of my kick back in life (lmao i'm sixteen for god's sake not like my life's ending already) both as a writer as a person. honestly you all are the best for putting up with all of my exo spam and mun rants. thank you for all of the ask memes and love y'all send me regularly it means the world to me. i can't wait to see where this blog goes and meet even more friends :-)

#but rly thank y'all again <3 #listen i actually tried on this applaud my lazy ass #* ∘ ∙ —— jongdae's 19+ thoughts ; mun musings.

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iatethepomegranate · 7 years ago

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Homecoming Chapter 20

@iontorch @prettybeefballs @darkmagicianknight

(GUESS WHO’S BAAAACK)

The whole fic is a sequel to Human Connection (can be read as a standalone, but character personalities make more sense if read together)

Tag, in chronological order

Shiny New Masterlist of the entire fic series (including AO3 link because I don’t trust tumblr to behave regarding external links anymore)

Pairing: DickTiger

Rating: Mature

Length: 5k (this chapter)

Summary: It's been a rough ride. As everyone slows down in the wake of the past week, dark feelings rise to the surface.

Notes: TRIGGER WARNINGS: Loved ones in medical danger & requiring hospital treatment, not knowing if the loved one is going to survive.

I have included specifics on the medical danger and a summary of that scene in the endnote of my AO3 post on this chapter. You can find the AO3 link to the full fic in my masterlist. I don’t trust tumblr to NOT shove me out of the DickTiger tag if I post external links again.

The scene in question is the final one, when Tiger, Tim and Dick go to the Batcave.

Chapter 20

Helena took point for the journey to the rendezvous point with Jason watching for attacks from the rear. Tiger was sending updates to Batman, who had successfully taken over the facility. The rest of the family had dispersed throughout the building, collecting prisoners now that the immediate danger had passed. No one had come to an agreement about what to do about them yet.

Dick leaned heavily on Tiger while Gloria stuck to the wall, unsteady but moving. Walking was hell. Dick's legs didn't want to support his weight, even without the bullet wound in his right calf. But clinging to Tiger was exhausting in itself and his arms were already shaking. Symptoms were slowly trickling back now that the fight was over. His vision kept swimming and his head kept throbbing and his neck felt like the victim of a bad acupuncture session.

“This is not working,” Tiger said. “We need to stop.”

Helena paused. “Make it quick.”

“You should stop walking,” Tiger said to Dick, lifting him into his arms.

“I swear everyone I've dated has done this at least once,” Dick semi-complained. In all honesty, though, he was just glad Tiger had saved him from admitting defeat a few metres later anyway.

“How are you, Gloria?” Tiger asked.

“Sweet of you to ask, but I'll be fine. We should keep moving.”

Dick rested his head against Tiger's shoulder. Even though Tiger took great pains not to jostle him, every step was like a hammer against his brain. Now would be a great time to go to sleep and get away from this, but he had hit his head a few times today so it probably wasn't the best idea until Alfred could examine him. Damn it.

They passed into a room. The light was too bright. Dick squeezed his eyes shut.

“We have injured,” Helena said. “How close are we to extraction?”

Then came the voice Dick had been wishing he could hear for days. “We need time to clear out any remaining resistance,” Batman said. “Is immediate attention required?”

“No one is about to die,” Helena replied, “but sooner is preferable.”

“We'll need a few more minutes to secure safe passage. I'll send Red Robin and Batgirl to Gotham with the injured as soon as possible.” A gloved hand grasped Dick's, who reluctantly opened his eyes, just a touch, to take in the concerned set of Batman's mouth beneath the cowl. “How are you feeling?”

“Been better. Light hurts.”

“There is a small office in the corner. It should be darker in there.” Batman called for Red Robin to move blankets they had collected into the office. There were enough that Tim was practically invisible behind them. Seeing a pile of floating blankets did nothing to improve Dick's opinion of his own health.

But, soon enough, he was lying on a stack of them behind the desk in the office, largely shielded from the light of the next room. Gloria was set up on the other side, closer to the door, since she didn't seem quite as sensitive.

Dick rested his hand over his eyes, letting out a long breath. The worst was over, and the rest would be done in a matter of minutes. Then he could go home and deal with whatever the fuck was happening to him.

Tiger squeezed his wrist. “Do not fall asleep yet, jaanaana.”

“I know, I know.”

Tiger let him go and there was a shift in light Dick barely noticed through his closed eyelids, but Tiger was definitely moving away from him.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I should help Batman lock down the facility.”

“Unarmed?” came Jason's voice.

Tiger sighed. “I'll need my gun back.”

Dick wanted to stop him, but had no idea how to do that without sounding needy. He hated that feeling. He wrestled with that in every relationship he'd had. He could sometimes be suffocating and too intense and just too much. No one knew how to handle him, least of all Dick himself.

Fortunately, Jason was fighting on his behalf. “We've got it handled, dude.”

“Is anyone watching the front entrance?”

“Red Robin's traps have got it covered.”

“Just give me the gun.”

Jason sighed. “If you insist.”

Then Tiger was gone.

“Maybe he just needs a few minutes,” Jason said. “It's been a long couple months.”

“I need a few minutes for my head to stop murdering me anyway,” Dick said. Then he fully intended to go after Tiger because fuck this insecurity bullshit. He had every right to be needy after everything he'd been through. He just had to figure out how to drag his wounded ass to the front of the building.

The sounds of activity in the other room were slightly muted, but Dick could pick up a few snatches of conversation. Tim and Barbara were discussing data with Helena. Jason was guarding an entrance to the room and Steph the other. Cass and Damian were sneaking up on stragglers together. Bruce was coordinating everything.

Barbara ducked in to shine a light in Gloria's eyes to make sure she didn't have something worse than a concussion. “No pupil contraction,” she said. “You should be okay, but we have a friend in Gotham who can perform a more thorough exam.”

“I can't see Batman letting her in the cave,” Dick replied.

“He's not. Leslie's on standby at her clinic.”

“Oh. Okay. Cool.” Dick couldn't wait for Alfred to clear him for sleep. His body was absolutely done with him.

“Just lie there and look pretty, okay?”

“Will do.” For now. Just being horizontal was doing wonders for his entire body, especially his head. There was still a good old-fashioned marching band wrecking the joint, but at least the drummers had calmed down a little.

Barbara left them to rest. Dick felt well enough to push himself into a sitting position. He rested against the wall while his head protested. He breathed through it.

Bruce and Jason were talking nearby, voices hushed. But Dick and Gloria were nowhere near as loud as everyone else, so the sound reached them anyway.

“What happened in there?” Bruce asked.

“That Daedalus guy,” Jason replied. “He'd taken over that agent's mind. Nightwing called her Alia. I think Helena called her Agent 8 in the briefings she sent.”

Bruce's glare was almost audible. He didn't need to ask why there was a dead Spyral agent.

“Daedalus was literally about to take over Nightwing's mind,” Jason said. “There was no time to waste, so Helena and I shot him. Alia was long gone.”

More silent glaring.

“You wanna hate me? Fine. Nightwing's alive because we chose his life over a dead woman's possessed corpse.”

Technically true, but maybe a little harsh.

“...where was Tiger in all this?”

“With me.”

“Why didn't he shoot? Since you insist it was the only option.”

“One of my guns jammed. He lent me his.”

Dick reached up and got a grip on the desk, pulling himself to his feet. Jason was good, but Bruce was a master of making people confess the truth. They'd committed to this path. If Bruce even got a hint that Jason was lying to protect Tiger, things would be much worse than they would have been if he'd admitted Tiger shot in the first place.

Dick made it to the doorframe, light hitting him in the face. Not great for the headache. He reached for the brightness setting on his mask and tinted his lenses, which helped a little.

“Where is he now?” Bruce asked.

“Watching the front entrance,” Jason replied.

“Fetch him. Red Robin and Batgirl are taking our injured to Gotham in a few minutes.”

“Let me handle that,” Dick said. Neither Bruce nor Jason seemed surprised to see him; it wasn't like he was trying to be sneaky.

“Lie back down,” Bruce replied.

“Yeah, that's not gonna work,” Jason said.

“Let's be honest here,” Dick said. “Alf's gonna have me glued to bed as soon as I get to the Batcave. He will probably drug me. I need to sort a few things out with Tiger, preferably one-on-one and before I'm high on pain meds.”

“We are morally obligated to respect the injured guy's wishes, you know.” Jason patted Bruce's shoulder and joined Dick in the doorway. “I'll help you get down there if you're sure you're up to it.”

“I have a limited window of time. So quit asking questions and help me already.”

Jason bent down and let Dick put an arm over his shoulders. “Of course, your majesty.”

Tiger had found himself a quiet spot near a window that gave him the best view of the gravel road leading away from the building. He wanted more than anything to leave this place, but the best he could do until then was find a few moments to himself. The gun felt heavy in his hand as he leaned against the wall, letting his arm hang loosely by his side, barrel pointed towards the floor. He wanted to throw it. He had to keep reminding himself that was a bad idea. He had no idea how Dick threw loaded guns without accidentally shooting himself, but he certainly wasn't about to attempt it. No matter how much he wanted it gone.

It was worrying to think that, only a few months ago, he had been so determined to find Alia and eliminate the threat she posed. The memory felt like it belonged to a different person. He was never going to enjoy her death, but the man he once had been would have shed a few tears for her and then moved on, confident in the knowledge that he had done what was necessary.

Now, it seemed he questioned everything, even the things no one else struggled with. Dick and Helena had been so doggedly determined throughout this past week, even as Tiger wavered. He had once been so confident in his actions. The man he was now couldn't have spent years infiltrating a rival spy organisation, doing everything necessary to climb the ranks and become entrusted with the kind of information he needed to keep Spyral from threatening the world.

The past few months had been difficult enough. This past week, even more so. He still hated himself for bringing Dick into this. They didn't know about that machine, or that Daedalus had taken over Alia's body, but he couldn't stop thinking he never should have even considered involving him. Helena thought Dick had provided a useful distraction for Bannon so she could search for intel, but was that really worth it?

That torture machine caused lasting medical problems. Dick could never be the same again. And it was Tiger's fault for being so weak, so desperate to have Dick close while he and Helena pulled the scraps of Spyral apart.

If this wasn't the end of Spyral now that Daedalus was gone (hopefully), then everything Dick went through would have been pointless. At least if they managed to destroy Spyral, some good would have come out of Dick's suffering. Even if he didn't think it was truly worth it.

“Hey, handsome.”

Tiger flinched more than he would have liked, jerking his head to find Dick approaching him slowly, mouth stretched in a thin smile that did not hide his pain as much as he probably hoped it did. Jason watched them from the nearest doorway before he shrank away.

Dick leaned against the wall on the opposite side of the window. Poor visibility there, but it wasn't like Dick was in any condition to do much anyway.

“You should be resting,” Tiger said, quashing a surge of annoyance that Dick was pushing himself now that his fight was over.

“Tim and Babs are taking us and Gloria back to Gotham soon,” Dick said, evidently ignoring what Tiger had said. “I wanted some one-on-one time while I'm still mostly coherent, because you bet Alfred's gonna drug me six ways from Sunday.”

“What does that even mean?”

Dick shrugged. “Idiom. Doesn't matter. The point is, I wanna take advantage of my brief burst of lucidity before either pain or drugs take my brain for a ride.”

Tired, shaking, in visible pain and Dick was still playing with the English language in ways that should have been illegal. So he really was quite coherent.

Tiger gestured vaguely to the window. “I am working.”

“Yeah, you looked so focused with the way you were glaring at the floor.”

Tiger came perilously close to snapping at him. He took a deep breath and tried to blow all his misplaced frustration out on the exhalation.

“There is a lot on my mind,” he admitted.

Dick rested his head against the wall, his face twisting for the barest of moments before he smoothed it out again. “We couldn't have anticipated things would go like this.”

Tiger had a sudden urge to deny he was thinking about that, purely out of frustration that Dick had so easily dug into his thoughts. The man was supposed to be resting, but he was on his feet with Tiger, thinking about him rather than his own health. That was infuriating. Even more infuriating was the fact he just knew Dick wouldn't listen if he tried to tell him to worry about himself.

“It is our job to anticipate as many worst-case scenarios as possible,” Tiger muttered.

“So, you're telling me we should've anticipated the existence of a mysterious torture machine that isn't supposed to exist, and that a murderous ghost dude we thought was gone was just gonna show up in the body of your ex-partner?”

The absurdity of this whole situation was beginning to give Tiger a headache of his own.

“I'm sorry about Alia,” Dick said quietly.

“I'm the one who—”

“Shh!”

Something else Tiger was not happy about. They were lying for him. He helped kill Alia and they were hiding it so Bruce wouldn't have cause to throw Tiger to the wolves, even if he deserved it.

“Look,” Dick said, “we can't talk about everything right now. But we will. This is the best thing for everyone, okay? Please trust us.”

Tiger didn't want to leave Dick again. He had to hold onto that. They had spent more than enough time apart. Thinking about it left a sick feeling in Tiger's stomach that he did not want to examine.

“I don't like it,” Tiger admitted. “But it is done. I have no choice.”

Dick sighed, and his calm mask slipped just enough to betray the utter exhaustion lying underneath. “Okay. I can work with that.” He smiled weakly. “I love you.” He reached for Tiger's hand. “Come on. We're leaving soon. I also might need help walking. I mean, despite my rugged good looks, I'm actually wiped right now.”

“Yes. I definitely had not noticed that.”

Jason stepped out from wherever he'd been hiding, holding out his hand. Tiger passed him the gun, pushing down the immense relief he felt now that he no longer had to carry it.

“Get back to rendezvous,” Jason said. “I'll take it from here.”

Barbara took Gloria to a Wayne family friend for medical treatment while Tim took Tiger and Dick to the batcave. Alfred had already prepared a bed in the med bay. Tim helped Tiger get Dick sitting on it before heading out to work on the computer.

“You can remain for a moment,” Alfred said to Tiger, reaching for a tiny flashlight. Tiger crammed himself into a corner, arms crossed, hoping that would be enough to stay out of the way when all he wanted to do was curl up around Dick and go to sleep with him.

“Light hurts,” Dick said quietly. He listed in the seat a little and Tiger expected him to fall. He caught himself, but it took him a while to straighten up properly.

“I am sorry, sir. I need to check your eyes.”

Dick sighed. “Fine.”

Alfred shone the flashlight into each of Dick's eyes while Dick dug his fingernails into the leather gurney and visibly tried not to flinch.

“Hm.” Alfred tapped a note into the computer nearby. “You have unequal pupil dilation, sir. We'll need to isolate the cause.”

“Did Tim send you any data?” Tiger asked. “Dick was subjected to a machine that causes long-term medical problems.”

Alfred clicked around. “Ah. Here we are.”

Dick was swaying a little again. Tiger gave into the urge to steady him. Dick rested his head on Tiger's supporting arm. He leaned more heavily against him with every passing moment Alfred spent reading the files Tim had sent him.

Dick mumbled something that Tiger couldn't understand. He tried again:

“Idonfeelright.”

“You don't feel right?”

Dick nodded weakly.

Alfred stepped away from the computer. “Let's get you lying down, sir. We can do a preliminary brain scan here, but we may need to commandeer a hospital's equipment for an in-depth diagnosis.”

Dick tried for a smile, but only one half of his face cooperated. Tiger's blood turned to ice.

No. No, no, no.

Did they even have the resources to treat a stroke?

Tiger and Alfred got Dick lying down. Dick was too weak to offer assistance. His right side seemed unwilling to cooperate.

Dick shut his eyes, face only half-twisting with apparent discomfort. He didn't try speaking again.

“I can take it from here, Master Tiger,” Alfred said, pulling a machine from the ceiling that hid the cave from view. The machine was a huge white arm with a box on the end that had a half-cylindrical piece cut from it. Tiger had never seen such a machine before and had a sneaking suspicion it was not a standard piece of medical equipment used in hospitals that had entire rooms for brain-scanning equipment.

“Are you sure? I can... hold things.” Tiger absolutely did not want to leave Dick in this condition. If this really was a stroke, it could be fatal. He wanted to punch himself for not insisting they get Dick medical attention sooner. He hadn't seemed in immediate danger. If that decision killed the man he loved...

“I'm sure.” Alfred pressed buttons on some kind of box machine that started a whirring in the arm-end. “There are snacks in the kitchen. Eat something. Rest if you can.”

Dick held out his good left hand, giving Tiger's a squeeze before pulling away. Tiger got the message. This was up to Dick and Alfred now.

“It may not be a stroke, sir,” Alfred said as Tiger forced himself to back away. “There are other medical conditions that cause similar symptoms. Do not panic.”

Tiger didn't have it in him to speak. He swallowed around the lump quickly forming in his throat, nodded curtly, and stepped outside. He shut the door behind him, leaning against it.

He was panicking. Definitely panicking. Dick could be having a stroke. Dick could be dying and there was nothing he could do about it.

“How is he?” Tim called from across the cave. Tiger took a few quick breaths—shallower than he wanted—and joined him at the computer. Tim shoved out a wheeled stool for him.

“We don't know yet,” Tiger said, slumping onto the seat. Talking hurt. Thinking hurt. “Fatigue. Unequal pupil dilation. Speech difficulties. Weakness on one side of the body.”

Tim had changed out of his uniform into civvies—a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants that looked older than Damian. A pair of glasses was set on his nose as he squinted at the data flitting across the computer screen.

“Okay, so, I think we both know the obvious possibilty,” Tim said, with an even tone Tiger envied. “If it's a stroke, we'll deal with it. People survive strokes all the time. It could also be something else. Some migraines do that.” Tim pushed his glasses further up his nose with a finger, offering Tiger a serious look that was somehow reassuring in the fact he wasn't trying to feign a lack of concern. Tim was as calm as possible without being in denial. Tiger appreciated that.

“I didn't take you for an optimist.”

“I'm not.” Tim refocused on the screen, tapping the keys every so often. Tiger had no idea what he was doing. “Listen. I get migraines sometimes. Not the type Dick might have, but I did plenty of research on the various types when trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. Bruce benched me for a bit when they got bad, but I got medication and function pretty well most of the time now. Whatever is happening with Dick, we'll handle it. We always do.”

“You still sound like an optimist.”

“In this family, it's more like stubbornness. Examine all the options, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's all you can do sometimes.”

There was something soothing in listening to Tim talk like this. They'd never spent as much time together as some of the others, but Tiger had always liked him. Matter-of-factness was more comforting than empty platitudes.

Of course, that didn't mean Tiger was going to stop panicking. His heart pounded something terrible and his throat hurt. He was also probably shaking but didn't want to check his hands to make sure.

Tim let Tiger sit there while he worked. Tiger wanted to pace around and probably throw things, but that would require energy he did not have. One part of him longed for sleep. The rest of him was too restless to even consider it until he knew whether Dick was going to be okay.

They'd been through so much. Dick had been through so much. He couldn't lose him now. What would he even do if Dick died tonight? Tiger had dragged out every ounce of strength he had and shoved it into getting them home safely. He had nothing left. He couldn't take one more piece of bad news. Not tonight. Possibly not ever.

Tiger didn't know how long he sat there, before a roaring sound echoed through the cave.

“That'll be the fam,” Tim said, swivelling in his chair. They watched the batmobile and a fleet of motorcycles roll in from the deeper recesses of the cave and park on a wide platform that held a few other vehicles in various states of disrepair.

Bruce and Damian hopped out of the car. Jason and the girls swung themselves off motorbikes. By the time they reached Tim and Tiger, cowls and masks had been discarded and other various accessories—mainly gloves—were in the process of doing the same.

“Snacks are upstairs,” Tim told the group, who all headed for the stairs except for Bruce.

“Report,” Bruce said. His hair was moulded to his head with sweat.

“Gloria has a concussion,” Tim replied. “Barbara's keeping an eye on her at one of our safehouses tonight. If there are no complications, Helena will get her home tomorrow.”

“And Dick?”

“We don't know yet.” Tim paused for a moment, face grim. “There have been some... complications. Alfred hasn't given any updates so far.”

“What kind of complications?”

“Fatigue, speech difficulties, weakness in one side of the body.” Tim listed the symptoms without inflection. Tiger could feel a swell of anxiety rise in the boy next to him, before he beat it back. “We don't know the cause yet.”

Tiger was grateful no one had tried speaking to him. He wasn't sure what would come out of his mouth. Sobbing, most likely.

Bruce sighed, unlatching his cape from the rest of his uniform. “He's strong. If anyone can survive this, it's him.” There was something about his voice that almost made that sound believable.

Tiger bit his own finger to stop himself from bursting into tears.

Jason came back down the stairs. “If you three want anything to eat, you better get up here now.”

Tiger's stomach felt like knives. Eating was the last thing on his mind. Maybe he could drink some water and try to take his mind off Dick for a moment. That second thing was unlikely but at least he could try.

Bruce stayed downstairs to update computer files based on intel received from Spyral, but Tim and Tiger both followed Jason into the manor.

The rest of the family was standing around the kitchen benches, munching on sandwiches and cookies and fruit and a vegetable platter. Jason shoved Tiger towards the food, so he grabbed a tiny stick of celery. Celery was close enough to water that maybe he wouldn't feel sick eating it.

Cass offered him a reassuring pat on the arm, but mercifully did not attempt to hug him. Embarrassed that she had read him so well, but relieved that she could, he gave her a nod. Smiling was beyond him in that moment.

Tim told the group about Dick's condition. Possibly because they were tired after a long night, everyone quietly absorbed the information and kept eating. Tiger was also grateful for that. He was barely holding together. He did not need sympathy. He kept his gaze on the counter so he wouldn't make eye contact with anyone.

Tiger ate his celery as slowly as possible, but there came a point where to continue gnawing on a piece the size of his thumbnail would stick out as particularly ridiculous. Jason shoved a glass of water into his hand instead.

Most of them were still wearing their earpieces. Bruce's voice crackled to life in Tiger's ear.

“I have an update from Alfred,” he said. “No blood clot in the brain. Dick is not having a stroke. He is in severe pain, so it would appear that he has a particular type of migraine.”

The room collectively exhaled. Stephanie quickly passed the information to Damian, who was the only person not still wearing his earpiece. The group gradually began to trickle out for showers and bed. Tiger stayed put, sipping his water slowly. If he made any sudden moves, he definitely would start crying.

Jason stayed with him. “You'll be pleased to know Helena blew up the place, with a few extra explosives in that torture machine for good measure once she'd extracted all the data from it. She's hanging out in Gotham until Gloria's up to travelling. Don't know what she plans after that.”

Tiger shrugged. Helena had been tight-lipped about what she wanted once Spyral was no longer a threat. St Hadrian's still existed. It was a school as well as a headquarters. Perhaps Helena could shut the school down or replace all the staff and change it into something less espionage-oriented. Tiger didn't much care at this point.

“You've totally got a right to freak out, you know.” Jason leaned against the counter, ducking his head into Tiger's line of sight. “You've been through a lot.”

“I'll consider it once I've seen Dick,” Tiger said, draining the last of his water. He wasn't sure when Dick would be well enough for visitors. Migraines could last hours. He didn't want to make it harder on him just to satisfy his own anxiety.

His earpiece crackled and Alfred's voice floated in. “Master Tiger, do you have a moment?”

Tiger's heart jittered in his chest, which was simply ridiculous. This was not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe Dick was feeling better.

“Yes?” Tiger managed to keep his voice relatively even, but Jason still gave him a look.

“Master Dick is asking for you.”

“Is he well enough?”

“No, but he insists.”

Tiger felt a surge of warmth, tempered by frustration. Happy that Dick wanted to see him, but not so happy he was going to make himself feel worse just to have a few moments with him.

“I'm on my way,” Tiger said.

“What's up?” Jason asked.

“Dick is in no condition for visitors,” Tiger replied, rinsing his glass out in the sink. “But he wants to see me anyway.”

“Classic Dick.” Jason waved him on. “Go forth, my friend.”

“Never speak like that again.”

Jason snickered, shoving Tiger towards the door. “Get outta here.”

Tiger headed back to the batcave. Bruce was still working on the computer, but a sandwich had appeared beside him. Either Alfred was, in fact, a superhero who could be in two places at once, or someone else had brought it to him.

Alfred was waiting outside the door to the med bay. He beckoned Tiger over and said, in a low voice, “He is sensitive to light and sound, sir. Be careful.”

“I'll be quiet.”

“Only a few minutes. Then he needs to rest.” Alfred opened the door, waiting in the doorway while Tiger crossed to the bed in the middle of the med bay.

Dick was laid up on his back, a dark sleeping mask over his eyes. Alfred had covered him with soft blankets with a damp towel on his forehead.

The fingers on Dick's right hand twitched a little. “Tiger?” His face pinched with pain best it could, his right side moving the tiniest amount. The paralysis didn't seem has complete as it had before, but it was still there.

Tiger gently took his hand, running his thumb over Dick's knuckles. He wasn't entirely sure how much Dick could feel, but apparently it was enough. Dick let out a breath and sank a little into the pillow. He was still holding himself tightly, tensing every so often.

Dick squeezed his hand. There was no strength in it. Tiger brushed his lips against his knuckles and Dick managed a small smile.

Alfred put his hand on Tiger's shoulder, nodding towards the door. Tiger gave Dick's hand one more kiss and gently laid it back down, stroking his knuckles as he worked up the willpower to leave.

Then he left Dick to rest, hoping the pain would be gone by the morning.

#dicktiger #homecoming dicktiger fic #dick grayson #tiger king of kandahar #fanfiction #my fics

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frenchibi · 8 years ago

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1/2) Hi! I'd just like some advice some a seasoned writer who has a pretty damn consistent track record *Pokes*. I very recently starting writing, its the first time I've actually contributed to a fandom. With my first upload I was very nervous and feeling down right vulnerable, I remember thinking "If people don't like it, I'll probably take it down" but hallelujah, reception has been positive. TOO POSITIVE for me. It's a first world problem, but now I feel I can't measure up to expectations,

Hey there, friend!!

First of all, thank you for messaging me! I’m going to try and give you a bit of advice as best I can, though all I have to go on here is my own experience so I’m not sure how well that will translate into anything helpful :’D

I’d just like some advice some a seasoned writer who has a pretty damn consistent track record

Haha, thank you. The whole thing feels a little surreal to me. While it is true that I’ve been writing for… uh, 15 years now (what the fuck) and fanfiction specifically for at least 6 of those, I still wouldn’t consider myself a “seasoned writer” because, well… truth be told, a tiny bit of that nervousness doesn’t go away no matter how long you’ve been writing. Also, “consistent” – well. One of my resolutions for this year has been to post one fic every week. So far I’ve managed, more or less (if we disregard my own time zone a bit), but most of the time I’m flailing and wondering how the hell I’m even still doing this. It may look consistent, but tbh I’m struggling with that every week xD

I feel I can’t measure up to expectations

What you have to understand about writing fics in particular is that it is incredibly unpredictable. Putting something out there that you’ve poured your heart and soul into does not guarantee that anyone will click on it, read it or like it (and even then, they might not leave a comment, or reblog if we’re talking tumblr). There is no formula to follow for a “fic that will be liked”, and there are infinite factors why people click on fics and why they don’t. What are you tagging, what’s your summary, is your work complete or not, at what time did you post it, etc etc etc – and people are incredibly picky. So as a rule I’d say it’s… dangerous to put too much value in the feedback you get or don’t get, because not getting any hits, kudos or comments doesn’t necessarily mean that your writing is bad. Those numbers have little to no correlation to the quality of your work, and that’s… a hard concept to wrap your head around.

Now, that said, in your situation… you’ve gotten very positive feedback and maybe even a few subscriptions, you might be able to assume that people will come back to your writing – and of course they will expect something similar (in quality, though that is incredibly subjective as well) to what you’ve written before. These expectations can be terrifying, and I get that. (And they can also make you afraid to try new things, maybe even to write for different fandoms, for fear of losing the audience you’re building. I know this, too. I’ve been there often enough).

This might sound a little harsh, but, with respect to quality – I think if you could do it once, you can do it again. I feel like faith in one’s own abilities is a difficult thing to have, especially with how unreliable feedback is for fic writers. (I don’t mean to sound ungrateful here for the wonderful responses I’ve received for my own writing, but at the same time I’m aware of many, many times I’ve been bitter and unhappy about getting little to no meaningful feedback for something that I personally thought was pretty damn great or something I really enjoyed writing. Putting your writing out for people (people you don’t know, mostly, and people who can be very opinionated, too) to judge is grueling and not always rewarding.) Also - the more you write, the more you’re going to improve with experience!However, the first and most important opinion on your work is your own. If you don’t like what you’re writing, it’s unlikely that other people will, either. You’re not writing to please other people. First and foremost, you should be writing things that you would enjoy to read, as well.

Now, as for your questions:

How do you stay motivated?

I feel like this is a very subjective question and depending on which writer you ask, you will get different answers. I also feel it has a lot to do with personality? Also everyone struggles with different aspects of being creative.

For me, it’s like this: I get inspired all the time. Hear a new song? Potential AU. See interesting people in the street? AU. Watch a movie? AU. Have an interesting conversation? Hc for a character. The sun’s shining? Fic idea. It’s raining? Fic idea. Snow? Idea. Feeling sad? Idea. Feeling happy? Idea. Feeling empty and unmotivated? Okay but what if I project this onto xy character? - you get the picture.

So for me, there’s never a shortage of ideas – my problem is focus. With 50k ideas, how do you pick one to focus on? My answer is: You don’t. You write whatever the hell you feel like writing. Forcing something that you’re not 100% into never really works out to anyone’s satisfaction. At least it’s never worked in my case, because my writing heavily depends on my emotional state. (An attitude that @josai taught me, by the way. I am always WAY too worried about “pleasing my readers” by writing what they want. No. It’s your writing. You’re the one sharing ideas, here.) If this means that it takes longer to update a certain AU, then I guess that’s how it is. But since I’m very excitable, if my readers want a particular update, all they gotta do is scream at me about a particular fic, I guess, and I’ll immediately be inclined to jump on it again. I’m… very easy that way.

As a general rule, if you’re finding it hard to motivate yourself to write, I can suggest several options:

1) Clear your schedule for an hour (or half) every day, find a quiet corner, get a cup of [hot beverage of choice] and just write. If you don’t have any ideas, look up prompts and write drabbles. Experiment with your style. Mine is dialogue-heavy, for example, so on occasion when nothing is working I try for something more descriptive. Or: minimalist. Tell a story in as few words as possible. OR the drastic opposite – how overboard can you go, describing every tiny detail? These kind of exercises can help you find a style you’re comfortable with and also expand your repertoire, so to speak. (btw, I have posted some of these more experimental fics of mine, hmu if you want to know which ones they are)

Alternatively, if no prompts are helping: do a writing exercise. One I particularly like is to give yourself a time limit (say, 5 or 10 minutes) and then force yourself to write without stopping, no matter what. No ideas? Tough luck. You gotta keep writing. Even if you’re just writing about not having ideas. Fill a page. Maybe fill two. I find that getting started is the most difficult thing, and this sort of exercise can help you with that.

2) Get yourself an accountability group – a reliable one, not “just” the commenters from your first fic. WRITER FRIENDS! Most of my ideas are fleshed out by talking about them to other people in the fandom, and having someone else get excited with you can really boost your motivation. Also, of course not everyone just has writer friends – they’re surprisingly easy to make, though. I’d say 90% of the people in this fandom that I talk to who are writers became my friends after I yelled at them about how much I love their work. It goes both ways, of course, but that’s just a bonus?? You get to see what people you admire are working on, and maybe get their input for some of your works!! Jackpot! Excitement is incredibly contagious, and I feel like that’s what makes fanfiction writing so rewarding. The “sharing” part of it. That’s why I do it. And even if one of my fics doesn’t get as many responses as I might’ve liked, at least I got to yell about it with a couple friends. This ties in to your next question:

How do you not get so invested in other people’s opinions on your writing?

See, anon – you’re under the misconception that I’m not invested in people’s opinions :’) On the contrary. I check notes and comments religiously, read the tags of every reblog I get, and scream when someone leaves me a comment that’s longer than one line. I don’t think it’s possible to get over caring so much for feedback – at least not for a person like me. Maybe there are ways. Maybe there are people who are just so incredibly confident in their abilities that it doesn’t matter to them at all. I am not one of those people xD

What helps, though, is having the above mentioned Trusted Writer Friend(s). Put your value in their opinions instead of the opinions of “the broader readership” because everyone is different and there’s no way you can please everyone. And if you’re not sure you can trust/value another writer’s opinions that much (we’re all different, too, after all) – have some faith in yourself. I know that’s the most difficult thing ever, but it’s not a problem anyone can solve for you.

How do you get over those feelings of self-embarrassment (self-consciousness?) when you write?

Those fade. I may care a lot about people’s opinions, but when I write something, I have a pretty good idea of whether I think it’s “good” or not, by my standards. I know my own style well enough by now to know what I want it to be – and if it’s not, I scrap or rewrite. As simple as that. And if none of it helps – take a leap of faith and just post. It might not be as bad as you think it is, because we’re overly critical of ourselves. There’s got to be a point when you stop revising and just post the thing, otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy with worry and perfectionism.

I am very prone to doing this, and what helps here is an opinion from outside, from someone you can trust. I always shove my writing into one of my friends’ faces before I post, because two pairs of eyes are more likely to spot typos and mistakes and stuff like that, and it makes me feel a bit better about posting it. There’ve been disagreements there too, though, of course. For example, I’m very particular about rhythm in my own fics, but I’m never able to explain exactly what I mean by that? Sometimes a sentence just doesn’t read well, to me, and I have to rewrite it until it feels right, which can be… tedious and questionable if seen from anyone else’s perspective but my own. It’s hard.

That said – sometimes I just… have a feeling, about my writing. This is a very subjective thing, again, and ties into what your focus is when you write and post – are you telling a story, conveying a feeling, an idea, a relationship? That differs from fic to fic, and your approach to different areas of focus might be different. For some of my fics, I didn’t want anyone else to read them before I posted them, because I felt that if I made changes that someone else suggested, it might take away from the impact that I wanted to convey in my own words.

It also ties into why you want to write – and this might sound, I don’t know, arrogant, maybe? But. In general, I write because I have stories to tell. I write because I am excited about ideas and about my interpretations of the characters and I kind of… want to expose them and see what people feel. I’m… ambitious about them, in a way, because I tend to like my own ideas a lot? So I want to know if I can make people agree with me, convince them of my interpretation, in a way. Get them just as excited as I am. I know it’s not a contest, but I’m competitive. That gives me the drive to keep writing, because I want to be better. That’s a huge part of what drives me to keep writing and posting, even if my most recent fic didn’t get as many responses as I would have liked.

It’s like… why write another coffee shop AU, if there are already so many? Well, because mine would be different. I don’t know about better, but I’d still want to tell a story my way. Have you ever read a book and thought “I would have worded that differently”? That’s why I write. Because sometimes I like my own words better than those of other people.

All this, of course, not to say that I don’t get super excited about other people’s writing! On the contrary. I see works on a daily basis that I feel have a better grasp of the characters and of the English language that I do, and those make me want to improve.

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I agree. That’s… generally what writing makes me feel xD

I guess, in conclusion – there’s no right way to do these things. I can just tell you what works for me, and hope it helps you a bit. If you feel like I didn’t answer your questions to your satisfaction, feel free to shoot me another ask, or twenty. I love talking about this, and I know everyone has different opinions/tips/advice here so hmu anytime!!

#French speaks #anon #answered #this got really long I'm sorry?? D:#I hope it still kind of makes sense #anyway thank you so much for asking #this was really interesting to think and write about #I hope I was able to help you a little!#my writing #writing #advice

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