#a few I feel could have been better
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this old world may never change and sometimes i wonder: do you ever think of me?
#my art#ok to rb#christopher moltisanti#when that wizard cursed me and i felt indebted to his soul#sketchbook tour#sopranos#sopranos fanart#christopher your violent delights will undoubtedly have violent ends (are they even your delights to begin with?)#these are like 6 mo old now. at least the first two#i could prob make these look better if i edited them for longer but i cant be fucked. only uploading these now bc i figured if its been 6#months i probably wont ever go scan these with the heavy duty 800 dpi scanner. this works good enough#i dont really draw like this anymore it got really exhausting#i miss watching sopranos so bad i felt like i was feasting on it for days every time i watched an episode. took so long for me to watch#bc anything that makes me feel that high couldnt be good for me. had to space the episodes out by a few days
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oc time again! + her town & culture (heavily inspired by pre-roman italic populations)
she is suri sauthon. her story is linked to my swtor imperial agent, tar'x, but most of her life except for the one year away where she meets him, is spent in a town in the mountains of mirial.
despite mirial being cold and desert, and many cities developing underground, her town flourishes thanks to a force nexus, venerated in the form of an ancient, sacred, alive crystal. the ecosystem of that mountain depended on what "the horned crystal" was capable of giving them, but mirialans couldn't live off of that alone, so they developed trade and some rudimental technology, even if oftentimes it was bought thanks to the highly profitable trade of a plant used to make medicines that slowed down aging and had overall healing properties.
note: everything that's generated by this nexus has these healing properties BUT they have to be processed, except for those who bathed in the waters of the cavity under the crystal - the "real" nexus, but not the worshipped one. the waters were sacred but they were not thought to be miraculous, unlike the crystal, who instead was thought of as the keystone of the ecosystem: without it, everything would fall apart (and that is partially true: the cavity was the "real" nexus but thanks to the crystal, also strong in the force, the properties were spread all over the mountains). those who bathed in the cavity's waters - so, all of the town, who had a sort of baptism there - could eat the plant, make whatever food with it, and not only that plant, but everything generated by the nexus, that, again, had similar properties. this allowed people to live up to normal life-spans without advanced medicines or, much, really. to those who didn't live there, though, after the processing, had incredible effects, slowing down aging - for those who took it regularly - and making people able to live up to half a century more than the average]
originally, there were four tribes of nomads that lived thanks to horned farm animals that decided to settle down into one bigger town and other smaller settlements, to live off of transhumance. this division of the tribes stayed into the political and social organization: every person belonged to one tribe specifically, and had slightly different rituals and culture. for examples, each tribe had their own priests and healers, with different techniques and traditions. the town, tho, was guided by a group of people in the high priesthood, a position you could reach only by having earned the trust of all tribes. those high priests had many roles: they guided the people into sacred processions common to all the tribes, they managed the trading with outsiders, they did the maintenance of the temple of the summit (the one that functioned as casket to the crystal) and created a special liquid to offer the crystal that helps it grow.
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this particular temple was important because 1. it was very visible, from every angle of the town, and it became an important identity symbol; 2. it stored the venerated horned crystal; 3. it had the altar where sacrifices were made for the crystals. that altar had a hole connected to the cavity, that allowed the liquids to reach the underground; 4. it had various symbols: statues representing each tribe + the high priesthood, and typical mirialan tattoos carved into the wood of the trees that served as columns for the temple, symbolizing 8 values that who dared to enter HAD to have; 5. it was on the way to an important lake (called "mother lake" because the lake the town was built around to depended on the waters of that other lake) where they traveled to in important processions; 6. it was said that a the wizard who unified the tribes made it with its magic, making the plant grow to hold the temple's roof. this wizard was, actually, a force user, obv.
BACK TO HER THOUGH: she's daughter of one of the high priests, who was in charge of managing the trades with outsiders, and lives in a house on the mountains with her mother and him. her parents are from different tribes (that's one of the things that earned him trust from the 4 tribes): when a child is born from two different tribes, they don't pick one to allign to, but they're usually linked automatically to the one with more relatives in it (in her case, the father's tribe: she had many uncles and aunts on his side while her mom only had one sister).
later, though, she got quite tied to her mother's tribe due to a mysterious illness that only her mother's tribe healer was able to cure. she spent 4 years (from 10 to 14 years old) living with the healer and learned her secrets. to better study, she wrote them down. when she returned home, she studied to become a priestess with her father. at 22 (the average age: you can't become priest before your 20s), she was supposed to take a test and become a priestess, but the healer of her mother's tribe died and the tribe asked her to take her place. she couldn't technically do that, but both tribes estimated both her and her parents and she was allowed to become both. she then decided to try to become a high priestess, and became one at 25 (a quite young age). being part of the council, she tried to convince the various tribe healers to unite their knowledges and write them down, and eventually made it. healers still remained tribe based but they now had an "upper, inter-tribe level" similar to high priesthood.
years later, the sacred horned crystal is stolen from the temple by some Hutt mercenaries looking for a profit. given the trust she has earned from all the tribes and the fact that her father is the high priest that deals with outsiders (and she's been hearing stories and advice about it since she was little), she is the one tasked with getting it back. without the growing crystal, the keystone to their ecosystem, the village would have lasted only a few years. in hrr quest, she meets imperial intelligence agent tar'x laran and, as they "solve the mystery" and fight to have it back, they get closer. they'll get married and have a daughter, Vegoia (who's the only one who actually will get to the plot of my story. this was all background)
#i overdeveloped this part of the background. IT'S QUITE LITERALLY USELESS. like. Vegoia will have so few memories of it (she'll become jedi)#i will make a post about her too when I'll finish designing her and outlining her story BUT that may be difficult cuz the frame for the mai#story is quite difficult to match with how developed the other stories are getting and i have to figure it Much Stuff yet#so I'm using these post to like. fix a certain part lf the lore because even my own notes are getting older and messy. better to start over#ANYWAY for those curious & who are still reading (if u exist. WTF THANK U!!); my main story is actually a research file in the jedi archive#BASICALLY i was trying to write my own story for years but then i watched a video (tcw doesn't hold up by sheev talks i think) and i finall#understood how to frame all of these stories together in a way that i feel can add to the star wars lore (because. the others were just#like. okay but who cares unless me? and i did want to have a cool frame that maybe some nerd would be interested in looking into)#so: when ahsoka anakin and obi return from mortis; they tell the council about it (yoda knows about it in s6). sheev talks complained that#it was incredibly full of stuff that was done so poorly it could ruin a big part of the original sw story itself and it was never brought u#again. and honestly i agree. SO my story is about a jedi that is tasked with research on the celestials & by having him figure out stuff i#can minimize/limit/reframe some of the controversial things in there (i love mortis arc so bad but i also agree with his critic. I'll Fix™)#so. many stories will be about people who have previously seen the celestials or have been to mortis one way or another (pre-tcw obv) & hav#had experience & knowledge that the researcher is looking for. so i get to have an anthology with many stories#and have a cool frame I'm intrested in developing + i can experiment with different storytelling styles depending on how he finds out stuff#+ there was another sw story with a similar frame i think? so if i decide to write the story as if it was the file itself and not the searc#i can have even a REFERENCE of what a file like that is supposed to be. LIKE. IT ALL FITS!!!#sw#star wars#swtor#the old republic#star wars oc#imperial agent#star wars fanart#mirialan oc#mirialan#star wars story#star wars the old republic#oc: suri sauthon
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Trainer Bakugou who you're a little terrified of the first day you're paired with him. when asking for a trainer at the gym, you had expected the friendly redhead who always looked so sweet and encouraging and cut as hell. you weren't expecting his grumpy looking blond counterpart, who was all glares and shouts for his clients to keep pushing themselves.
you were hesitant at first, before you quickly realized that it was all a ruse, for the most part. he pushed those who needed that extra encouragement, but was more lenient to people like you who simply wanted a professionals guidance. so, after a few weeks, you liked him for the most part, and his looks damn sure made it easier to cozy up to the big guy.
the only issue you've been having with Bakugou though are the...coregasms, as you've seen them been named on social media, that you keep experiencing. the first time, you weren't sure what it was, why your stomach and pelvis kept tightening up. you couldn't have...climaxed, or anything. you hadn't even been touched!
but, as the weeks go by, and the workouts get more strenuous, they've become harder and harder to subside and ignore, and so had Bakugou's commands to keep going when you suddenly stopped. you can only lie and say its cramps so many times before he realizes that something is up.
you're midway through a good morning, when that familiar feeling starts tightening in the pit of your gut. you clench your eyes shut, shaking your head a little, as if you could ward off the impending feeling. bakugou notices though, frowning at your almost pained expression in the mirror, walking up behind you to stop you as you pull yourself back up. his hands are on your waist, and as you come up, you feel his bulge glide over the curve of your ass, and something in you snaps.
you gasp, buckling over, one hand on your knee as the other reaches back for bakugou's hand to keep you up as your thighs shake. you can feel yourself spasming, clenching and unclenching around nothing, secretly wishing you had something that could fill you up, something that you felt throb against you as bakugou leaned over your form.
"Another coregasm, huh?" he asks you lowly, his lips brushing your ear as you bite your bottom lip to hold back your moan. your eyes buck open though, when his words sink in, head tipping back to look at him in the mirror, only to find his gaze already on you.
"You knew every time?" you ask quietly, panting now that its finally starting to pass over you. but bakugou doesn't let you up from this position, especially since the area you're in seems to be desolate for now.
"It's hard to ignore how pretty you look when you cum, sweetheart." Bakugou seals his words with a firm press to your ass, his cock rubbing the seam, and you can practically feel the heat and veins of it through your thin bottoms. you groan under your breath, getting lost in the feeling of him grinding against you, when he suddenly speaks again.
"You still feel it?" he asks, voice low as he looks at you through his lashes. you nod, biting at your bottom lip as you meet the steady rock of his hips, watching how he smiles before slotting his lips against your ear.
"Want me to help make it go away?" and he does, in the employee locker room after hours. he makes it go away, and rebuild, and go away again and again until you're hoarse and your legs are weaker than they typically are on leg day. bakugou helps the ache go away, but not for that sweet redheaded coworker of his, whose fists have fucked his cock the entire time of watching bakugou rail you over the locker room bench again and again.
#remember when I said in my lion bkg tags that I would write that long fic#sorry but I lied 😔#idk its been so hard to write long fics for me lately!!#I thought it would be better since the brunt of everything in my life has passed#but the creative energy isn't all the way there yet#so I won't rush the process of it!!! when I let it come to me I typically bang out like#3-5 fics in two weeks lol so im waiting for that feeling#but anyway!!! I love trainer character aus they're so seggsy#also I had to throw in eiji sorry what else could I have done#NOT put him in this somehow???? I don't think so#okay bye im gonna write another Drabble ive had in my drafts for a few weeks now LOL#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#bakugou treats! 🍬#also has anyone ever actually experienced a coregasm before??? I saw it on insta and was amazed LOL#I need to start working on my core more to get one lol if im LUCKY
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What if X felt human emotions more intensely than most? (And maybe have more mental breakdowns than most aswell)
#megaman x#rockman x#ロックマンx#mmx x#mmx zero#my art#fanart#well well well if it isnt me projecting onto X again#I drew this as a doodle at 11pm a few days ago but thought I could do it better digitally#if people want to see the og doodle I can post it#Anyway Zero doesn't know how to deal with X since if anything he struggles with interpreting emotions and not feeling enough#Did I make X have autism or bpd or perhaps both? Only the orb knows for sure#or a secret third thing (ptsd)#also wanted to try something new with the manga style since I've been reading the mmx manga over the past week#i think it came out well
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Jellyfish Prince 💙
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#Happy 'It took me a whole month to figure out what Mermay was all about'!#fun fact about me: prior to all this blog stuff I use to be really fascinated by jellyfish.#to the point they were one of the few things I could draw.#when I was trying to practice art before I started making these comics#I was constantly baffled by hair. I did not understand its form or its mysteries.#Then the ghost of my past jelly-loving self suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and went 'Dude. just like jellyfish'.#cue me going 'Oh my god. Just like Jellyfish'. And then I kinda got the jist of it.#This is all to say that the majority of LWJ's appearances (especially early on) are 100% directly inspired by jellyfish#This idea has been lingering in my mind for months...being able to pull off an idea and translate it onto the page....#nothing beats that feeling B'*)#This is teenji btw. He isn't complete unless he's on the verge of extremely frustrated tears. Sopping wet and biting. Just like...jellyfish#And now that I know mermay is a thing I finally have an excuse to dunk him into the water.
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I know I've been on about this for a while now and I'm being a hater but you're telling me SydCarmy was "always meant to be platonic" even though there are two seasons of writing making use of tried-and-true explicitly romantic tropes, themes and writing signals, and SydLuca is going to be romantic because...he was nice to her on screen for a few minutes?
I don't even care if people ship SydLuca, or if they just prefer it, but you can't honestly tell me that you believe Carmy was always meant to be a friend but Luca is an obvious love interest.
Just because Syd and Carmy haven't kissed or confessed their love to each other doesn't mean that isn't very obviously the direction this show is going. The Bear has already shown you who is endgame. It has shown you every episode of the show so far.
Honestly I really don't think The Bear fanbase understands this show or cares about these characters or the story being told here, which is unfortunate because this show is shockingly well-written in comparison to most shows right now, and we should be so grateful for it but all we're doing is complaining that the writers led us on by not making a ship canon fast enough. It's just. Sad.
#The Bear#SydCarmy#I was like a casual fan of this show two days ago#and now seeing how little respect this show gets from it's fanbase I'm losing my mind#I mean I shipped SydCarmy before anyway but now it means so much to me#it means so much to see such a realistic and purposefully well paced romance take place#so many shows portray romantic relationships and their beginnings in ways that just don't really happen in real life#and this show very purposefully said no. These are characters who are strangers. who are working together. Who are in a tense environment#and each of them has problems - one of them the type of problems that makes developing new relationships pretty difficult#these two would not get together right away. It would take a long time. And there would be ups and downs.#And even when that's the case. Even if when it takes a long time and doesn't go smoothly and is hard -#it can still be beautiful. It can still be romantic. It can still happen and here's how#and I'm just so inspired genuinely. It is so difficult to write romance without being cliche and so difficult to write it in a way that#could actually happen in real life and I really do hope I can write something half as good some day#and then to know so many people have no appreciation for it at all#because they prefer the shows that have characters make eye contact a few times and then confess their love for each other like#it's just fucking sad. So sad that so few people have any appreciation for good writing especially the difficult of romance writing#like I really just don't even know what to tell you. In real life these two would not have confessed to each other yet. They would not have#kissed yet. They would not have even realized they have feelings for each other yet because those feelings would still be developing#and I also want to point out that given the disparity in power between Syd and Carmy in season 1 it wouldn't have been healthy for them to#get together much sooner. He was her boss. He was also her idol. Before they can even get together that needs to be balanced out.#And then on top of that don't you see the value in Carmy realizing the dream girl he's romanticized in his head - Claire - isn't actually#what he wants? Don't you see the beauty in him being disillusioned from that? And realizing that Syd is what he wants?#Don't you see the beauty in Syd having an idealized vision of what Carmy The Great Chef is like realizing she was wrong and that he's human#and flawed and then realizing - she loves him anyway? She loves him more for not being on a pedestal and for having his flaws?#Are you telling me that even thinking about this doesn't move you? Doesn't make your heart ache a little?#And again - ship and let ship - but what is Luca? What is Luca if not just what she was hoping Carmy would be when she wen to The Beef?#What is he if not just another man who she has not seen under pressure yet? Not seen reliving trauma yet? Not been her boss yet?#It's easy to look at him and think he's better than Carmy - and that's the point. That's the point The Bear is making.#It is easy to want someone you don't know. It's hard to want to someone you do know. But that's what love requires and that's the point
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my new obsession of the month is original post-split/bfb 16
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#its an interesting selection for both of the casts thats for sure#not positive nor negative#i can see a tiny bit of potential#book and taco having originally been on the same show makes me curious as to if they couldve had a potential arc to#become friends again#from the writers standpoint at least#a part of me feels like it was a good thing to seperate saw and gaty#saw needs to make new friends besides the 3 or so she already has (lollipop taco and gaty)#i can see her and leafy getting along#or flower#“hey flower youre pretty can i smell you” saws exact words taken from her mouth#with loser on twos side i feel like him and winner could get a few or a lot of interactions#for the better or for the worse#(this is me trusting that the writers can actually make a meaningful arc between the two after whatever happened to one of the last ones#(aka the tacobook one. which is a diffrent post all by itself#(i hate that stupid fucking “arc” theres so much to fix about it. using the least amount of words#possible it basically turned 8 names into one of those mean girls movie))#would they do the same “have cots have nots” with the selection of objects for bfb 17+? theres some gray objects in the mix so i wonder how#theyd do that#maybe have them choose their own team or something? idk#bfdi#bfb#tpot
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I have many thoughts on the second half of season 2 of invincible. But the main one is, that clearly the writers tried to consciously make sure that Amber and Mark's breakup make sense so she wasn't a disposable black girlfriend, but they sort of failed. Because it doesn't really matter how well written the act of disposing her (in the narrative) is if, at the end of the day they never entertained letting a black woman be the main love interest in the first place. The act of disposing the Black woman is still happening.
Like I do love the character of Amber, and I love that she's black, but not if it continues this trend. Especially cause, now I think, what's the purpose of racebending so many other characters, like Amber and Rex, and even our main guy Mark, but nor the main love interest, Eve? Why are we holding on to Eve's whiteness above all else when actually making her black would be a huge reversal of a super common trope? Why does the main love interest have to be White when no one else has to be?
#invincible#YBSA speaks#tbh i think this is more complicated cause this is one of the few times that i feel like a show is actually trying#and succeeding#at being better than the source material when it comes to race and gender and sexuality#so for once i feel forgiving 2 the writers#but still#Eve AND Amber could have been black who's stopping them?
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couldnt decide on drawing fish or horsies
#the first one is bc I was totk infodumping and I was like yoo what if the other races lived in the depths at some point too#like. there are statues that depict each of the races but no evidence they actually lived down there#it would be so cool if we had stories of Zora that lived in the depths and changed from being in the dark for so long. like their scales#glowed and they grew long fins to feel and smell in the dark. we could have Zora based on deep sea creatures#the other one I wanted to do was depths rito but there are so few documented nocturnal birds. even less people associate with darkness#so it would have been mostly owls but maybe kiwi and nightjars. rito are so hard to draw#the other thing I was thinking was they evolved again and turned into bats. theyre pretty damn good at evolving so why not#but then my brain was like horsies. so I drew bat fluttershy#I want to give her a bat nose and membrane.. apparently the mane 6 turn her back but she grows a fang. but I also want her to have bat#wings under her feathers. like it looks like normal Pegasus wings from the outside but the inside is lined like a bats wing with membrane yk#femoral membrane and leaf nose also. maybe she gets quieter flying and better night vision plssss#discord also for fun but I wanna stylize him tmrw#my art#myart#doodles#mlp#my little pony#mlp fluttershy#mlp discord#loz#botw#totk#botw zora#eye contact#scopo
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Hey there, are you ok?
hey! thank you for checking up on me, this was really sweet!
i SWEAR i did not die. i just got a bit busy doing SladeRobin Week (which i will finish so help me god-) as well as things in my real life. i'm still trying to find the balance of like. fandom creation and working. i am very lucky to have the living situation that i do rn, but it is the sort of schedule where i do have to be ready to watch a baby at really any given point so. it's a tricky balance right now, but i'm going to be active here again! maybe not as many asks answered a day as before, but i want to try to answer like, a few a day and whatnot.
i also think i got briefly overwhelmed, in that i got more asks faster than i answered them. which is the opposite of a problem and something i'm very lucky for! but it did make it difficult for me to keep up and know what to answer next. (this is *not* a discouragement to sending asks! i love them all and pls send as many as you want! i just am a little slow sometimes so i appreciate the patience! <3)
so! i'm back and i'm good, ty for asking! we are back to the regularly scheduled programming <3
#necrotic answerings#this was really sweet anon#like not asking for content. just checking in#made me so soft#also when I initially was going to come back there was you know.#the fucking us election.#and I think it's very fucking clear by the everything about me how I feel about that#I needed a few days to just. handle feelings on all that#also also I started a new show. my partner finally convinced me to watch 911.#so i've been thinking about those lil firefighters.#which. I did make a blog for 911.#haven't posted anything yet! but I made it.#bc godDAMNIT the dead dove scene over there is scarce. fandom full of antis Jesus.#I like a challenge tho. I'm bringing the dead dove to the firefighters not even god can stop me on that one.#I have almost 100 asks to work through.#AND I WILL FINISH THE WHUMP ONES I SWEAR ON MY LIFE PLEASE.#I just had a few weeks of adjustment to both my sister and my brother in law working full time again#I love my darling nephew. but I cannot type and play with him at the same time.#taking care of babies is like. easy until it isn't idk how better to explain it#he will sleep for 4 damn hours and I will be peacefully bored#then he wakes up and wants to fight Jesus.#I don't like kidfic but I could write a good one with this experience by now tbh.
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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still working on tweening and etc but small self-indulgent sneak peek hehe
#my art#wip#bocchiposting#i wholly underestimated the amount of tweening needed and the amount of layers#originally i wanted to cover the entire song with parts for kita and bocchi#but given my current health condition + having work i think i'll just finish small chunks first and then see how much i can do b4 school#i can definitely finish the intro but i really want to draw in bocchi for a specific part sdjfhdskfjks#unfortunately i currently have the constitution of a sick victorian child! Any stress or strain sends me to the bed!#so i cannot crank this out within 5 hours like i used to be able to#the song is mesmerizer obv credits to that#it really has been a process of oh im just gonna do something small for fun oh no this needs more for a better streamline#halfway through i was like. would this have been easier if i just used. live 2d. probably. but i am too far in.#i need a good video editor program so bad but all the tutorials online are for AE and i do not have the money for that </3#and the next best option is apparently blender and i've done a few tutorials but i have never been able to retain the information <3#the learning curve is seriously hard and i don't have the time for that either </3 time is money fr#i tell myself to not feel guilty for drawing when i could be studying bc this is needed <3 this is self indulgent <3#self care!!!!!! rahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!#kk rambles
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Honestly it annoys me that pride, ambition, and generally having a big ego are always villainous/evil-coded personality traits because personally I think if you genuinely are a prodigy at what you do you are 100% within your rights, perhaps even deserving, of flaunting your skills and being proud of the fact you can do something that only a small fraction of other people can do. Is it even ego at that point if you genuinely are as good at your field/skill as you say you are? Are people not aware that becoming a prodigy at something is something that takes lifelong sacrifice and practice sometimes to the point of giving up on having a normal life, relationships, etc even potentially destroying your own health???? God I fucking hate how pride in your own skills and ambition are so villain coded all the time. As if it's evil to want to be good at something and be recognized for what you rightfully earned
#squiggposting#this is part of why i like pharma obviously lol but it's happened to me w#other blorbos ive had in the past#bc like full offense if you're capable of doing something like partially inventing the cures to 5 different terminal diseases#in only a few months/a year of research. or if you can do an organ donation and replacement surgery#with yourself as one of the donors. you literally ARE the best doctor who has ever lived#and you DESERVE to flaunt it bc. what fucking achievement is higher than that???#some feats demand recognition in my opinion. maybe it's just bc I've always been competitive#and from a young age enjoyed a (relative) degree of fame for being really good at certain things#ive always enjoyed being an object of awe bc bitch i spent my whole life working to be this good#do i hold it over ppl or treat them badly for not being as good as me? i admit i used to but i grew out of it#but the ego? certainly not. i think if you're good at something you should own it#i think if you're a prodigy and put your skills into doing good work youve earned your fame and recognition#this expectation of false humility we have is sooooo annoying#ohhhh boo hoo pharma is a little bit of an annoying asshole about being a better doctor than ratchet#the cures he helped design will save literal thousands of lives from now until the rest of time#but somehow the way he FEELS about it is more important than the CONCRETE POSITIVE GAIN he put into the universe?#and also in general i hate it when ppl assume that pride/ego and being kind towards others are mutually exclusive#in general i feel like i could write an essay about how self vs others is treated as a dichotomy#where it's assumed that in order to uplift others you have to self efface and diminish yourself#or if you flaunt yourself it automatically means you're putting down others. it's not true.#video essay topic for later lol
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“uh … it’s a bit girly … no?” javier examines himself in the reflection of his knife’s blade, looking this-a way and that, the dark blue of a large silken bow now peeking sheepishly around his neck as it sits gently in his hair. next to him, kieran clams up a smidge, hands still held close to his chest nearby his completed ribbon project on javier’s head. he finds it in himself to wring his hands a time or two rather than immediately undo his work as javier seems to continue to formulate his final opinion. “you … think so? look at me?” kieran asks, politely as a mouse. javier easily complies, turns at his hips and looks behind, up at kieran where he sits on the stump above him.
kieran, as he peers over, can’t help the meadow of flush that blooms over his neck, then his ears, then his nose and his cheeks. he can tell javier is deep in thought by the look on his face, mouth twisted just a might sideways, cocking his mustache awry, and the deep wrinkle sat between his brows. the ribbon he used matches javier’s vest perfectly, and the shine of the silk warms bright in the sun, just like every piece of jewelry and metal javier has adorned himself with. with this ribbon, javier’s hair sits lower on his head, ponytail draped down his nape and more hair framing his face in his bangs. kieran resists an urge to tuck one side back behind his ear.
kieran thinks that he looks like a painting, a muse, a love letter so heartbreakingly full of adoration that the only language it could be written in is bright swipes of pigment on a canvas. as he makes eye contact with the silk squinting around the red of a necktie, he thinks that javier may be right, if ‘girly’ could sum up ’poetry written in effeminate reverence’.
kieran always did think women made better art, wrote better books- found a better way to love. softer. warmer. prettier. like javier.
the world sounds like it’s underwater.
“i think … it’s very pretty. it suits you real well.”
earnest to a fault, the look in kieran’s eye dances gingerly with javier’s internal voice. it dips and sways him, and javier, despite his instinct, finds himself charmed by its rhythm.
“-b-but! i could take it out! if you don’t-“ javier looks down at himself in his knife again, the sunlight filtered through the leaves glinting a yellow green around his dark features, and kieran hands him patience on a silver platter. a rich blue makes friends with bright green quite easy, javier thinks. this is how he must look through kieran’s mossy lens.
“pretty … yes. you know, i think you may be right. i’ll keep it. gracias.”
#oizy asked me at some point to write about the exchange that happens when kieran first gives javier his first big ribbon … i think#and i’ve been thinking about it this whole time :’] and i’ve been wanting to write them for a long while now too so i thought it would be fu#n to just jot it down :’] … this could have been written better but i fear if i don’t post it now i never will LOL i’ll just overthink it 🥲#i have a few more writing drafts started that i hope i can finish soon …. writing is very fun for me ! i just … run out of steam easy and th#en never pick drafts up again 💔💔💔 i’m kinda the worst creater ever LOL#anyway ! yeah i think javier initially was very put off by it but kieran with all of his autismo wisdom simply does not gaf about gender#gender* roles. he just thinks ribbons and bows are so pretty and javier walks around like a little peacock so kieran thinks that he (literal#ly) deserves a big pretty bow on top !#this is still in horseshoe overlook actually. right before they move though. in the cusp of that time where javier begins to get curious abo#ut kieran and kieran begins to feel just a teeny weeny bit braver when it comes to … having a personality around the other gang members LOL#and at this point kieran’s attraction to javier (at the very least physically) has been fully realized. javier never really did like him (or#so he thought) but he’s left him completely alone for the past month or so and so kieran thinks he’s got enough emotional berth to try and#give him a gift. that’s why they’re so awkward and weird lowkey LOL javier is still a bit spiteful but i think towards the end of horseshoe#he has moments where he’s able to be very very calm about kieran and try to empathize with him. especially in the moments where kieran is so#kind to him that javier simply cannot find it in himself to think that it’s an act of some sort. it was immediately after this that javier w#ent hunting and gutted a rabbit so hard on accident that he ruined the meat by puncturing the intestines. he confuses even himself sometimes#pining ! but in a really weird and subtle and calm way ! i do think they have their moments where it’s like a wildfire in them and they just#get completely burnt up by it … but sometimes they also pine like the wax and wane of the ocean lapping at the bank. easy. calm. warm. love#unrealized yet but ever-present still. they carry the weight of love in their hearts around every day. these two are burdened by it. but whe#n they are together … this weight … the pits in their stomachs that they cannot rid themselves of … when they are together all of the sudden#it seems as though the world around them slows down. and it’s easy to feel … calm. like they belong there. like they’re okay and safe and ..#free.#anyway. i like them a normal amount :) and sometimes their dynamic is really complicated to me ! and they contradict themselves sometimes !#and that is really fun to me !!!#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#hero more like shakespeare
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The Passenger (2023) dir. Carter Smith // NEVER AGAIN - MICHELLE
#the passenger#post:music#yapping#i actually havent been able to stop thinking of this scene with this song#idk i feel like (some of) these lyrics are fitting for this#“everything reminds me of them” -me listening to my personal playlist#i prolly have like 200 other songs i could use with these two AISJUHDGFB#“i thought i knew you better than this” dont mind me ripping my teeth out. thinking about how benson didnt even think-#-randy couldve been the one to call. that he was truthful when he said he needed to use the restroom.#that the woman who had nothing in her pockets. no phone. was the one who called. not even considering to check randys pockets-#-after leaving him alone. ughghhfhhhdgfj#ik benson prolly wouldve wanted to die anyways. to prove his point.#-but i do still think a part of him really DID want to undo the past few hours. to before seeing sheppard.#maybe then they could've 'resolved' another one of Randys problems. and left town. gone to the city even.
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not that i have the opportunity to even do it right now of course since i’m at work, but just like alan has graffiti in the dark place screaming “don’t write” i think i need something plastered around with “don’t drink”
#mk.op#alcohol /#possibly tbd and tmi but i’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my alcohol consumption#tied to the stress/depression/anxiety issues i face#i know it’s not a good coping mechanism#nor will it solve these feelings#i might need to take another of my apralazolam pills instead#there’s a lot of things at work that just seemed to suddenly overwhelm me i think#paired with knowing i’m not exercising as i should and could be eating better though i have made some improvements#and i have my follow up doctors appointment in a few weeks and im scared of that#i just want to cry so badly right now#but it feels so invalid and stupid and just an endless loop
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