#Zurgo

[ti0mumu]

Tehehe~

Hiiiiiiiiii~*

[hyralc]

my localization of mtgjp's comic

[incorrect-mtg]

Back before he became a planeswalker

Sarkhan: If I saw a dragon, nobody would be able to stop me.

Zurgo: Stop you from what.

Sarkhan:

Sarkhan: Nobody would be able to stop me

[googlyeyesonmagiccards]

Givin' real Thanos vibes

[almostlookedhuman]

[leafdrake-haven]

Tabby’s Cards to Look Forward To! Tarkir commander edition time!!! :D

[hyde-the-toad-bard]

Sometimes something beautiful happens when you find a fun deck tech.

So I pulled Starfall Invocation in a Bloomburrow pack today, and my first thought was "Hey! This would go great in my Zurgo Helmsmasher deck!"

Now, we all have had some weird intersections of mechanics and flavor(Gingerbrute with Colossal hammer equipped via Sigarda's Aid, as if the angel is blessing her champion, a cookie man, with the world's heaviest hammer). My Zurgo deck fits this profile often, holding 8 swords at once while running directly into wrath of gods like it's nothing.

However, when I thought to put Starfall Invocation into this deck, I thought of Radahn, who has a very similar aesthetic, and the fucking image of Zurgo yeeting a whole ass star, or better yet, himself, onto the field killing everyone, and then maybe brushing off a teammate to get them back into the fight, is just perfect for him.

[vonbaghager]

Is Squee, the Immortal good? No. Will that stop me from putting him in every Brawl deck i own that's part red? Also no. He is my favorite little guy.

[fictionkinfessions]

I can't believe I'm voiced by Stuart Zurgo.

IF YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. - young Xehanort fictive, kingdom hearts

kge

[wifelinkmtg]

we're so fucking back

Hiiiiiiii so Tarkir: Dragonstorm comes out real soon and there is... nothing major wrong with it! No racecars, no evil clowns, no suppurating mass of yet another shoehorned IP crossover event, just... Magic. Remember Magic? One of the best games ever made on this wretched earth in spite of everything? This is that!

And sure, I could complain about some things, like how the Abzan and the Sultai have the exact same color scheme for some reason, or all the inconsistencies in the overall time travel plot, like how Zurgo is suddenly a big badass like in the old timeline instead of the whinging bellbonger he was in this one or how the mammoths are suddenly unextinct, or how the application of the "Druid" subtype represents a desire on the part of WotC to appear less racist without wanting to understand anything about how racism operates at a structural level so they're just changing surface-level aesthetic elements at random while periodically looking back at the audience for approval like in that one dril tweet, but frankly I'm past wanting Magic: the Gathering setting and story to be good, you know? I just want it to be good enough.

AND SISTER, IT IS

Riverwheel Sweep (art by Wayne Wu)

At this point I believe my record on women with blindfolds and intense upper-arm muscle definition speaks for itself, but just in case: this is real hot. As for my stance on being wrapped up in a length of red silk, reeled in, and forced to my knees: surely you can guess.

Flamehold Grappler (art by Wayne Wu again, good job Wayne)

I firmly believe that everyone should shave their head at least once in their life, and only partially because I think it's hot when women do this. It also really helps to break the back of the beauty standards cop in your head. "But I have a weird-shaped head! I could never pull that off!" Bitch everyone has a weird-shaped head, or a weird hairline, or one little patch of hair that grows in the wrong way, or something. Get comfortable with your own weird body—you'll be happier.

Anyway while I like the idea of a woman with four additional flaming arms, in practice I think burns are Not Worth It. Probably she doesn't have those all the time, so I suppose she could just be a good-looking girl who can beat me up, which I'm not complaining about, but also consider: if you took a bath with her the water would never get cold.

Meticulous Artisan (art by Anna Pavleeva)

Really really long nails, on the other hand, are worth it. I want to stumble out of the bedroom the following morning covered in cartoon kiss marks and an alarming number of lacerations.

Also—we're all on the spectrum here, yeah?—"meticulous" is one of the hottest things a dom can be. Slow, patient, curious about stimulus and response. "What happens if I touch you here? Interesting. What happens if I hurt you there? Very interesting."

Constrictor Sage (art by Nereida)

One of the other hottest things a dom can be is a giant snake lady. Have you ever held a snake, realized it's just smooth and pleasantly-textured skin over nothing but muscle? Holding a snake is a kind of tactile and sensory bliss—we are all on the spectrum here?—which exceeds any number of smooth rocks or plunging your hand into a bowl full of flat glass beads. I've never met a rope that could compare to the coiling allure of snondage.

And while we're on the subject: look how her victim is arching her back. Look at the spectral snake beside her head flicking its tongue out across her jaw. There is something very lesbian going on here, and I hope they both enjoy themselves.

Felothar, Dawn of the Abzan (art by Victor Adame Minguez)

I'm really enjoying her th—hang on, what the fuck is she wearing? The weird burning face breastplate? Wait all the Abzan are wearing this, this Arnim Zola bullshit? Can she team up with four more for the full Voltron? Is this intended to tease an upcoming Power Rangers secret lair?

WAND! MAKE MY MONSTER [Become Immense]

Okay shut up about that it's Eshki time.

Eshki Dragonclaw (art by Tran Nguyen)

I am immediately in love with this character and this piece. I love the bright colors and the patterns on her coat, the beads in her hair. I adore how stylized, how just one step shy of cartoony it is. I really enjoy her dog, who is evoking for me the demons and monsters of traditional east Asian art. And the girl... I want to see her on runways. I want to see her in magazine shoots talking about her nascent music career. God help me, I want to be her songwriter in that music career, and you know, I would try to keep her grounded and safe against the pressure and the predation of that but she's getting actually famous now—look at her, of course she is—and working harder and harder and the fans and the producers keep wanting more more MORE and she can't stop, she can't even slow down and when I tell her I can't keep watching her do this to herself she says who cares, there's a hundred better songwriters drooling for the chance to work with me but I see her face in the instant before she composes herself to say that and it breaks my heart but I leave anyway. And when they start putting her in movies I watch them, I watch when they cast her opposite whatever fifty-year-old man they have doing Bond this decade, watch her go to bed with him, watch her face-up floating dead in the pool when the bad guy takes his revenge, and I follow along when the press inevitably turns on her like botflies. The court case against the powerful industry figure she loses, the tabloids talking about her drug use, the easy punchlines she makes for nepo comedians. And then one day she's gone—dead or vanished, no one can say for sure—and that is all.

Until one day, many years later, there's a woman in the park sitting with her back to a tree, not singing but playing guitar, dark-haired, face different from how everyone remembers it, and she's playing the last song I ever wrote for her, the one she never recorded, never performed. And I stand there across the way, unable to move, and she plays until another woman comes to get her and she slings the guitar on her back and they go off hand in hand. And wouldn't that be enough? In all this wide world, wouldn't that be enough?

NO. IT'S A PEDESTRIAN, TOOTHLESS LITTLE FANTASY. YOU HAVE PEOPLE THESE DAYS WHO LOVE YOU BACK IN UNCOMPLICATED WAYS. HAVEN'T YOU OUTGROWN THIS

Mostly, I think. Every once in a while it's fun to indulge, tho—and for a pedestrian, toothless fantasy, isn't it awfully pretty?

CAN YOU PLEASE JUST EAT PEOPLE OUT IN YOUR FANTASIES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

Well, maybe next time. Whenever Wizards deigns to bestow upon us another actual Magic set. Or whenever I nail down what the next seminal, life-changing essay is supposed to be about. See y'all then.

[card-of-the-day]

Today's Card Is: Zurgo, Thunder's Decree

[goqmir]

my biggest complaint with new tarkir is im very much not sold on pivoting the centered color for each clan from an allied color to the enemy color. their premises havent changed enough to make that a cohesive change imo. jeskai should not be centered on red and mardu should not be centered on white i think. the vibes are a little off there.

maybe ill feel differently in a few months but it kind of just feels like they said "okay the clans are now aligned to their enemy colors" and mechanically made that the case (jeskai's flurry being a traditionally red effect, mardu making small tokens like white often does, temur having a lot of blue effects) but then didnt put in the effort to change the vibes direction of the clans to match. maybe this is just me placing the old tarkir vibes onto the new one but like... isnt that what you want your audience to do...? use their knowledge of the clans to understand the new cards? why change things so slightly if youre gonna attempt a color philosophy shift.

also the ikoria triomes were already centered on the enemy color. like, i understand that they are probably never returning to ikoria but idk its weird to have diverse interpretations of the wedges between the clans and the triomes and then make them both the same now. however zurgo is centered on white now and hes kind of killing it there so maybe im just hating to hate

[craccoonofficial]

Tarkir: Dragonstorm doesn't make any sense from a lore perspective. At least, the previewed cards don't make sense. Like, back in the last two Tarkir sets, the clans were abolished by the dragonlords. They don't exist anymore. Let's take the Abzan for example. Dromoka did a couple of things when she took over. Like the other dragonlords, she banned the old name of the clan, but most notably, she also banned the practice of necromancy by punishment of death. The spirit dragon in the Abzan commander deck reanimating stuff from your graveyard would be treason. And there are no khans anymore, the very word was outlawed by the dragons. I considered that the commander decks were from the old khans timeline, which would make sense with Zurgo as leader of the Mardu, but the Sultai, Abzan, and Temur all have different leaders than in the Khans timeline. The watermarks are the ones of the old khans, too, instead of the new dragon ones.

[epherwillc]

Zurgo: Finally!

Z: I, Zurgo, khan of the Mardu, am going to kill the khan of the Jeskai and-

Narset: wait

Z:

Z: what do you mean wait

N: we’ve done this before, right? I feel like we’ve done this before

Z: what are you talking about we’ve never-

Z: wait

[googlyeyesonmagiccards]

Can we has googly eyes on zurgo?(helm smasher)

Y'know, I'm suddenly very glad for the Ultra Pro sticker so I can't remember what year I first cracked this guy. *takes back medicine*

[almostlookedhuman]