#You can see how it just transitions from a very complex and deep relationship to as simple as her heart will remember

[10underoot2]

I ended up on YouTube and came across this video. I cannot express the impact watching their story in a linear pasaage of time has. Kudos to the editor!

I could do a whole analysis on why their relationship is extremely profound and why we've all grown to love them so much.

They truly moved from unfathomable, new, young, fresh love to 'I forgot how to love you' (Hyunwoo) and 'I love you why don't you feel it anymore' (Haein).

The initial part of their relationship and their journey getting to 'You're my home' is extremely complex, multi layered, painful and so beautiful.

At one point one of them promised to be by each other's side in debt or something more while the other promised not to make them cry. At that point, they completely believed one another.

At one point, one of them said hurtful words and the other forgot to try again. At that point, both of them forgot to open their doors.

At one point, Haein who knows Hyunwoo loves her deeply thought him suspicious of joy upon hearing of her death. At that moment, Hyunwoo was guilty.

At another point, Hyunwoo deeply loved her but couldn't undo the mistakes of his past. At that moment, Haein judged him for his mistake. She forgot to give him the benefit of the doubt. She mistook his love for perjury.

At one point, both of them loved each other but could not openly express it to the other. At this point, both of them were hurting immensely.

At one point, they were both able to overcome it and tell the other how much they mean to them. At this point though, they were faced with imminent death.

At one point, Haein wanted to live, but provided with the option to live with a necessary evil of forgetting Hyunwoo she chose to die. At this point, Hyunwoo wanted nothing more than to convince her of their love fully realizing that this was her ultimate act of love.

I could go on. I'm not even bringing in their convictions and belief in each other. This is complex as it is. I cried watching how beautiful this is. It reminded me why I had fallen in love with these two. You can see where the story goes flat. It's when it becomes as simple as I remember it in my heart despite forgetting.

It undoes the complexity of their relationship and emotions and that makes me sad. So I'm gonna focus on this absolute gem of an edit that reminded me why I was rooting for these idiots all along. ❤️

[heartbeatbookclub]

insert ask that conveniently makes you talk about sayonika here

I have a lot of thoughts about them. None are particularly structured, really...

Trust really fuckin fed us, y'all. One of the first posts on this blog is me talking all about how it illustrates the parallels between Monika and Sayori, subtle as it is about it. I think in many, many ways, they reflect one another's actions, and on an exceptionally deep level, they both understand what makes the other tick. As a consequence, they're both pretty astute when it comes to recognizing what the other needs, what problems they might be having, and a good way to help them through it. It's hard to put into words...they just get each other, y'know?

Despite that, there are some definite fundamental differences. I think the simplest way to explain it is that Monika has a constant preoccupation with being able to do something right the first time, to be able to do something perfect, while Sayori has long given up the thought that she could do anything without screwing something up, and is instead desperately focused on trying to do good enough. In that way, the both of them sort of cover the other's weaknesses.

In that sense, both of them struggle with the thought of measuring up to others' expectations, and feel this constant need to do better, coupled with this constant thought that they aren't enough. Inferiority complex is the keyword here. Both of them have some pretty clear struggles with their own self-worth...

And the benefit of having each other is invaluable, for that reason. Particularly since the two of them understand each other's struggle, they're able to find the words the other needs to hear, and when they say it, it's more trustworthy because of that understanding.

Monika vents about an issue she's having, trying to find a way to really cope with it, and Sayori's answer immediately pierces straight to the core of the problem, identifying an insecurity which Monika didn't even realize she had. She's able to lay bare what Monika feels so she can actually grasp how to deal with it.

On the flip side, Sayori can hide it all she likes, but Monika's able to see clear through that facade, and identify where Sayori is struggling. She tends to a more subtle approach, simply quietly taking some of that burden, or providing whatever affection, praise, or encouragement she thinks she needs. Without even realizing it, Sayori's feeling better already.

They've got each others' backs, through thick and thin. If Monika's lagging behind, Sayori gives her a gentle push in the right direction. If Sayori needs someone to tell her everything's going to be okay, Monika's right beside her not only telling her that, but elaborating on how things couldn't possibly be that bad, because they have each other.

To get away from more general analysis kind of stuff, I think the two of them would just naturally tend towards a very close relationship. They'd grow reliant on each other without even realizing it, each using the other for needed buffer in any social situation, and relying on each other for support in all areas.

Monika would feel incredibly awkward trying to engage in anything romantic with anyone, but I think her relationship with Sayori being so close would just feel incredibly natural, no matter how it ended up progressing. That doesn't mean that transitioning to romance wouldn't feel awkward as hell still, nor that Monika would really feel confident doing anything (Sayori's taking that lead and she's driving the horse to the end of the line), but her relationship with Sayori would be so close naturally that it wouldn't actually change very much.

Neither of them would really be able to be honest about their feelings at first. And at this critical moment, neither of them would be able to clearly identify the feelings that the other had. Both of them would be way too anxious about the fact that the other might say no, and it could ruin their entire friendship, to say anything about it for the longest time. Neither of them can imagine a life without the other.

I think Sayori might be the one to crack first. I think she'd probably get to a point where she wouldn't be able to handle all the fluttery feelings in her chest when they were this close. She couldn't do anything but be honest about her feelings, no matter how anxious it made her feel.

Monika would be taken aback but obviously reciprocate. Now unsure how to even proceed. I think Monika would be the first to say I love you tho

This might be one of the roughest parts of the base game to really deal with when you think about it for an extended period. I don't want to think about it for an extended period right now so I'm not gonna elaborate (already thinking of enough angst with other fic concepts).

[genderqueerdykes]

im seeing you post about transmasc lesbians and thinking now about that post i saw that was like "its kinda weird that top surgery scars are the trans lesbian stereotype and not any stereotypical transfem features" and like. yeah i do think there should be more mainstream transfem lesbians but also why do we gotta take the piss out of transmascs about it

agreed, they're two separate conversations that can be had at the same time

as someone who is a transfeminine dyke and has had a lot of transfem lesbian friends and partners, a lot of lesbian stereotypes that come to my mind are that of what you mentioned with transmascs, plus things such as femmes with flat chests wearing low cut shirts, breasforms, transfem butches binding after growing boobs from HRT, femmes with defined jawlines and deep voices, excitement from growing boobs, femmes with looooooong hair covering almost all the face, never transition transfem dykes, transfeminine butches who have proudly been telling people they were dykes as long as they can remember, dykes especially femmes with visible crotch bulge, there's a lot of transfeminine 'stereotypes' and things to lesbianism but there's no reason like you said to take the piss out of transmasculinity to point out lots of people just do not have experience with transfeminine lesbianism

a lot of people don't and it's fine and they shouldn't act like they do. i lived in a punk house for a few months and met a lot of transfem lesbians there got close to many. once you get exposed to transfem lesbians you become aware of "stereotypes" that are present in the community. it's 2 separate conversations when we we talk about stereotypes from more transfeminine and more transmasculine spaces in the community. they are lesbian experiences, but it is 2 separate conversations that can be held at the same exact time

part of the reason top surgery scars are so well represented in lesbianism is because afab bodies are treated like the norm, but also because a lot of lesbians struggle with gender and especially when that comes to the societal expectations placed on people with breasts. a lot of lesbians want to discuss their experiences with this and it's important. lesbians have rich and deep history of being gender variant people and it's important to let people celebrate top surgery scars. that's a separate conversation, however, it is closely linked to something else.

everyone on every side rejects transfemininity as belonging in lesbianism. everyone silently agrees afab bodies are the norm for lesbianism, so they shun any and all transfeminine experiences and prevent them from appearing in lesbian history. nobody wants to be the one to start romanticizing transfeminine features in the community for fear of backlash or getting silenced or mocked or talked over. we've made it nigh impossible to have the conversation about transfem lesbians, so people begin to fight with each other instead of recognizing that transfem and transmasc have very complex relationships with lesbianism and it's not right to try to silence one for the other

we have struggles that are common in a lot of ways. if we begin embracing what transfeminine lesbianism looks like, we can begin to have a more complete understanding of what the whole lesbian experience is. without putting transmascs down or trying to talk over transmasculine lesbians. we can talk about transfem and transmasc lesbians needing support at the same time. it's important that we do. we need to talk about how transmasc and transfem lesbians are here and that we need help in being accepted as part of the community

it's just wrong to throw any other queer person of the same group under the bus for the sake of trying to have a separate but very similar conversation. im with you. i hope we see less of this down the road. these are 2 very important conversations that we really need to have simultaneously. together at once.

[logan-but-not]

I've been replaying Deltarune recently and interacting with the fandom a lot more. And I've become quite fond of Krisuselle (a polyamorous ship including Kris, Susie, and Noelle). To the point where I think it might be one of my favorite ships of all time. And since I've apparently got nothing better to do. I figured, i'd write a post detailing what about it I and others find so appealing about it. Let's get started:

Right off the bat, one of the things that makes deltarune more appealing in a shipping sense to me is the cast. Nothing against Undertale, of course, it's got one of my favorite groups of characters in anything ever. Everyone is so charming, they're far more complex than at first glance, and they all have well written character arcs. Same goes for Deltarune. But the major thing that differentiates the two is that Deltarune is mostly compromised of kids. Teens yes, but still kids. Kids who aren't really sure who they are yet. Compared to Undertale, where pretty much everyone had at least a bit of understanding of their life, the cast of Deltarune is far more nebulous. They're emotional, immature, dependent, and act like how any other kid would. And then all of a sudden, they're thrusted into this huge adventure where they have to decide the fate of their world. It's a massive responsibility that flips their entire world view. But through that journey, they learn to mature, reconnect, and accept their roles or even defy them. And as someone who is still going through the transition from teenager to adult, I identify with these characters. The self-discovery of who you want to be and what you want to do is something that I, and a lot of others have gone through. And one of the aspects of that journey is love.

Which is why Kris, Susie, and Noelle appeal to me so much. With only two chapters worth of narrative, we've already seen so much of how their lives has been thrown into turmoil. Noelle lost her sister, Susie is implied to have a rough homelife, and Kris has lost literally lost their own will. And yet, despite that, they each have a deep affection for the others. And they come to discover that as they traverse the Dark World. And each of their individual relationships is so unqiue. To the point where I could write whole sections on them. Which I will now do.

Kris and Susie get off to rocky start. They're both put together not of their own volition to do something they never signed up for, figuertaively and literally. And at first, they're pretty antagonistic to each other, almost like rivals, and understandably so. They're both seen as the weird kid, freaks. They've been ostracized from the rest of the world for as long as they can remember.

But as they venture through the Dark World, the both of start to ease up. They learn more about each other and begin to finally start trusting one another. And as they do, they start to grow into the heroes the prophecy foretold them to be. And they both play off the other's strengths to make them into better characters.

Kris inspires Susie to finally let down her emotional walls and allow herself to trust, and use her fighting spirit in a constructive way rather than just break everything she sees.

Likewise, Susie helps Kris to learn how to be a leader, and she is the first legitimate social bond Kris has made since Asriel left. They both make each other better, stronger.

And that's another interesting thing about their relationship. They're not archetypal heroes. When they're thrust into this huge conflict where the two of them are supposed to be the heroes, they reject it. It's most notable with Susie, but Kris does too in subtler ways. And even when they do accept their roles, there's always this sense of rebellion in them. They will be the heroes of this story, but they refuse to let anyone write this story but themselves. Renegades.

Susie and Noelle, on the other hand, have a very different relationship. One that had hints as early as Chapter 1 but really started in 2. At first glance, it just seems like the whole lovesick girl and oblivious crush stereotype (but gay so it's infinitely better). But like almost everything from Toby Fox, appearances may be deceiving. What makes their relationship so fascinating is why Susie and Noelle have affection for each other.

For Noelle, she's drawn to Susie because of her free spirited and rebellious nature. She's not afraid to break the rules or take a stand for what she thinks is right. It's such a contrast from Noelle where she's expected to be this perfect girl who does as she's told, is the top of her class, and knows how to take care of herself on her own. And we can see that she clearly can't always handle it, especially considering her past. In a frightening world where Noelle has lost the biggest crutch of her life, Dess, Susie represents everything that Noelle thinks she needs. Someone to help save this poor Lost Girl.

Susie, meanwhile, is drawn to Noelle because she was the one person who never hated her. Everyone in her life seemed to always be against her, so she lashed out, which did nothing but isolate her more. She had to learn how to fend for herself. At least, that's what she thinks to herself. But throughout it all, Noelle never hated her. By her own admission, Noelle would see the aggression and callousness from Susie and just offer a kind smile in return. And Susie always appreciated that.

The two represent what the other needs on an emotional level. Someone to help Noelle step out of her comfort zone, learn to actually live her life, and find the courage to stand up for herself. Someone that Susie can finally let her guard down around and accept genuine compassion and acceptance from, in a way that only Noelle can provide. And the thing is, neither of them had the courage to actually act on their feeling until they got wrapped up the Dark World. And it's not because they weren't aware. Susie may be a bit dense, but she's not oblivious. No, it goes deeper than that. They don't act on their feelings because neither Noelle nor Susie think that the other would feel the same. Noelle thinks that Susie would never like some random deer girl like her. And Susie struggles to believe that ANYONE would really like her in that way. They're two star-crossed lovers that will be forever stuck in this limbo of mutual pining until one of them finally gets the courage to confess.

But my personal favorite relationship is Kris and Noelle. Unlike with Susie, who's kinda seen as the new girl in town, Noelle and Kris have a VAST implied history. They were extremely close in their childhood. They lived next door to each other, their elder siblings were best friends, their families were intertwined, and by all accounts, they seemed to be happy. Everything from the overworld to the cyber city to the newsletters shows us that Kris and Noelle were once the closest of friends.

But then, something happened, something likely related to Noelle's sister Dess. I touched on her a bit in my Suselle section, but it really does seem like Dess was Noelle's anchor. She protected her, encouraged her, stood up for her, everything an older sister should do. And then, something happened to her. The details are a little unclear, but whatever exactly transpired caused Dess to go missing. And it's clear that this broke Noelle, which caused her and Kris to split up a bit. They were still friends, but they had to grow up without each other. It only got worse when Asriel left for University and Kris lost their will.

But then, the Dark World happened. And Kris and Noelle started to reconnect in their journey. And along the way, maybe uncover some new affection for the other. They're reminded of their time together when they were kids, when everything was so simple. When they both had someone who could comfort them. But things are different now, but that doesn't mean they can't still be friends. And maybe they don't need to face their struggles alone anymore. And that's what I love so much about these two. It's such a tender and soft relationship. There's never any big romantic display. They don't need it. They show their affection in more sublte ways.

Like when Noelle feels reassured when Kris says that they're friends. When she reminisces about their childhood toghether in the city. How she feels sorry for Kris for getting hurt by Susie. And how she is the only one to notice something is wrong with Kris on the Weird Route and how she vows to help them. Noelle has been estranged from Kris for so long that she thinks that the two of them can never be close again. But seeing Kris trying to reach back out to her makes her realize that they still are friends.

Kris also shows a lot of affection for Noelle as well. They encourage her to make a move on Susie because they know she has a crush on her. They constantly play pranks on her. They would play piano for Noelle when they were young. They make sure to look after her after Rudy asked. They get upset when we bully her at the laser gate. And they try to fight against our control in the Snowgrave route at every turn. Kris doesn't want to lose the last remnant of their childhood. The one friend they always had, no matter what.

And this relationship gets even more interesting when you consider how it diverges in the Weird Route. Because it only works because Noelle trusts Kris. We, the player, are using Kris as a pawn to force Noelle to commit horrible acts and even willingly put herself in harms way. Noelle has to try and convince herself that her lifelong friend isn't really making her kill people, including her friend. And Kris has no choice but to go along with it, despite clearly never wanting this. Nothing more than a puppet on our strings. And that's not even getting into the marital themes where Kris and Noelle are forced into symbolically archetypal husband and wife roles, respectively. It's honestly crazy how simultaneously similar and different the two outcomes are. Instead of the both of them reconnecting naturally over nostalgia and a shared adventure, they're forced apart even further apart by a new outside force. And yet, this strengthens their resolve to help the other. The same two friends, but twisted and warped into something so disturbing and sadistic.

Kris and Noelle's relationship is so rich with personal history and buried feelings that it's honestly almost overwhelming. There's so much nuance and ambiguity that it can be interpreted as romantic or platonic as you prefer. And yet it's so different from the other two relationships or really any relationship that Toby has ever wrote. They're two childhood friends who drifted apart over some traumatizing event, who both began to reconnect through a shared adventure and maybe discover something even deeper. It's one of my favorite aspects of Deltarune as a whole if I'm being honest.

And honestly, I could say that for all three of the relationships. Each one individually on it's own is so enveloping and has so much potential. But when the three are together, they just feel... complete. Kris and Susie, rivals turned to comrades. Susie and Noelle, a blossoming star-crossed romance. Noelle and Kris, long-lost childhood friends who thaw out their frozen hearts. Everyone of those dynamics bounces off of each other so well. And here's the other thing, no ever comes off as a third wheel. Kris acts as a wingman (wingthem?) for susie and Noelle, actively encouraging them to interact and open up. Susie is the catalyst that leads Noelle and Kris to reconnect and looks out for the both of them, making sure they're both safe and happy. And Noelle acts as a comfort to both Susie and Kris, allowing them to open up around her, and she's content to let them be the heroes of her story. They're all just kids who love each other.

And I think that's why this ship appeals to me so much. Because despite all the supernatural and mystical elements of Deltarune's story. The relationships of these three are really grounded. Toby Fox managed to write an incredibly endearing, and incredibly realistic portrayal of teenage love. Because that's what they are, teenagers. They may be emotional, they may make mistakes, they may become distant and closed off, they may be scared of what the world has in store for them. But they can still grow. They don't need to take on the world by themselves, They can learn to let out their emotions and be who they want to be. They can still learn to feel love. Whether it's for your partner in crime or the girl next door, your oblivious crush or your old best friend, your sister in arms or your childhood sweetheart. You can always find love. And there will always be those who can help you along the way.

And I think that's a really profound message.

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

This is kind of a follow-up to this post about the Targtower brothers dynamic. I just love them. What`s not to love, honestly:

In that post I used the word 'lust' to describe a certain aspect of Aegon`s feelings towards his brother - but upon consideration I believe the word 'desire' to be more suitable. But what are the roots of these feelings and how do they and the form in which they are expressed change with time?

First things first:

1. Long post;

2. Nothing is this post is intended to promote or encourage sexual relations involving minors;

2. I enjoy both platonic (canon version) and romantic/sexual (fanon territory) interpretations of Aegon&Aemond relationship - without belittling any other pairing (canon or not) involving either of them. In fact I quite enjoy some of those other pairings as well.

So, the sensual side of the Green brothers` relationship is not the focal point of the show (or even of their relationship in general) by any means. And it`s not a simple 'I just want to bend you over the nearest piece of furniture and give it to you' thing from Aegon`s part either. It`s deliciously subtle and quite complex even from the beginning of their interactions we see - and it gets even more complicated as they transition into their adulthood.

Teen Aegon is a flirt in general. But when it comes to his brother the flirting intensifies - and begins to resemble 'pulling pigtails'. It`s in the spirit of mockery but one heavily tinged with fondness - and other feelings, deeper and heavier.

It`s the way Aegon's focused on Aemond - to the point that it feels like they are alone, even with other people in close vicinity. This focus doesn`t dissolve even when Aegon looks elsewhere.

It`s in the way Aegon touches Aemond: seemingly carelessly - but there is a kind of hesitance, almost shyness, about his touch. Huge props to Ty for his acting: the not-exactly-platonic undertones are there, yet the vibe doesn`t feel gross in the slightest (the way it might have felt if acted out with less finesse, given the fact that Aemond is a minor after all, and so is Leo) - if anything it`s endearing. And I believe it feels this way because the roots of Aegon`s feelings are not sexual after all.

To Aegon, Aemond is a mystery: he`s his likeness yet his antipode, he`s so close yet so far. He can`t get a full grasp of him however much he tries. Aemond is like some rarity, a mystical object created by the Warlocks of Qarth, the one he wants to dismantle and see how it works but doesn`t dare to do it since he might not be able to put it back together. But first and foremost Aemond is Aegon`s brother - his blood, his companion; the one he wants to feel close to, the one he wants to be like him and tries to achieve it in any way he can - hence the trip to the brothel. It certainly wasn`t a nice thing to do, and Aegon`s train of thought there might have taken various directions at once, but ultimately I don`t think it was about corruption or causing Aemond discomfort but about unity, companionship, feeling close, alike and one - the things Aegon chased after and was deprived of.

A crack-ish side note: Aegon telling Aemond he fancies creatures with 'veeery long legs' with this playfully lecherous grin on his face -

-has never not been funny to me since the moment I realized that adult Aemond, courtesy of Ewan Mitchell`s gorgeous physique, might just have the longest legs among all the characters (or at least he`s damn close to the top).

As the brothers grow up so do Aegon`s feelings.

Both curiosity about the intricacies of their similarities and differences and deep desire for true company and understanding are still very much there. But now there is also so much more. Guilt and shame over not being by Aemond`s side when he needed it most - and seeing a reminder of this on his brother`s face every damn day. Protectiveness that seems misplaced nowadays, but that`s not always the case: Aemond will need Aegon`s support after what happened at Storm`s End - if only he allows himself to accept it. Admiration and envy - about how strong and brilliant his little brother has become, how right he`s turned out to be in contrast with Aegon`s perceived wrongness. And it all comes to a head during the chase and fight scene in episode 9.

A lot of people mentioned that they expected the Targtower brothers to kiss when Aegon pleaded with Aemond to let him go. Well, that`s entirely understandable given that we have this shot:

TGC`s eyes did not just slip there, after all: such things are not done at random, it was a conscious acting choice. And I`m pretty sure Aegon would have indeed kissed his brother if not for Criston intervening and breaking the spell of the moment. Because while under this spell Aegon saw Aemond for everything that he`d ever been to him: his playmate and his toy, his judge and his closest human friend, his solace and his torment - and, perhaps the most important thing right then, his freedom. For years Aemond truly was the personification of the fate Aegon wanted to have - being the second son, free of the burden of the future rule, of excessive expectations, of torturous scrutiny. But also in that moment Aemond literally became Aegon`s freedom, or his best chance at getting it. And so, Aegon was ready to kiss his little brother goodbye - and at the same time kiss his freedom in greeting. But, alas -

-in a few seconds freedom slipped away, and Aegon let go of it - let go of his brother, never tearing his eyes away until the very last moment.

Just look at his face, it`s all there (Tom, you are a genius).

Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record: Tom and Ewan`s chemistry is everything. In a notably short amount of screen time they shared they have managed to give life to an astoundingly authentic, layered and compelling sibling bond that outshines pretty much every other (not that there is a competition going on but still).

To try and sum all of it up, it`s not that Aegon wants to fuck Aemond - it`s that he wants Aemond, period. And that want, need, desire can take many forms and include many things. Their relationship is complicated, dramatic and wholesome with a side of fucked up - but absolutely beautiful. And I, for one, love it to pieces.

@the-girl-in-the-box here you are!:)

[tmisherewrites]

Chapter 4 Deep Dive: Days 1053 and 1054 of the Insurgency

In Chapter 4 we see Crassus receive some news which spurs him to action.

This deep dive is looooong but this was a deceptively complex chapter and included probably the most amount of consideration, thought, and world-building.

Also, you may have noticed, but the Chapter names change depending on the POV character. Syrus' chapter refer to Day x of the Revolution while Crassus' chapter refer to Day x of the Insurgency, just to distinguish their perspectives on the fight even more. But the days are the same, so day 1053 of the Revolution is the same as 1053 of the Insurgency and vice versa.

I'll be talking spoilers below so if you haven't read my fic They Will Come For You In the Night yet, that's the link to the first chapter which starts with Syrus Reed, the other POV character. The link for Chapter 4 specifically is above.

This was the first tricky chapter to write. I wanted to include how the pre-rebellion economy worked as well as hint to the political and economic structure of Panem and the Capitol specifically that we see in canon and make the transition from one to the other as believable as possible. And harder still, I wanted to make that interesting to read. I tried not to include any actual economic terms that we'd use today, but there are loads references I make which have 1:1 counterparts to the real world.

The Economy

These were some of the facts I considered and the impact they would have:

I knew there were some industrialists in the Districts like the Plinths and I knew they made enough money to buy their way into the Capitol. Hence the distinction between districts with industries which are locally owned vs. owned by Capitol citizens.

Because of the above, I knew that there had to be an exploitative relationship between the locally owned districts and the Capitol because those districts wouldn't agree to rise up against the Capitol if they relied so heavily on them for their wealth, hence the mandatory 40% return of profit to investors. This is also an allusion to the fact that in most revolutions, the rebellion needs to, to a certain extent, appeal to the merchant class, or the petite bourgeoisie, in order to trigger the revolt against the owning class, or the haute bourgeoisie.

The districts which had local ownership also tended to become the Career districts because their economic structure allowed them to be more amenable to Capitol propaganda because of their geographic and economic proximity to the Capitol. We can see this in Plinth and Castor's relationship with the other Guardians and their perspective on the revolution as a whole.

I knew there was a well-established and strict class system within the Capitol itself from references to particularly powerful families like the Snows and the Cranes.

Because of the above, I knew that the families which own the means of production in the district specific industry are probably going to be far wealthier than the ones who can't afford to buy out those industries entirely, but can afford to invest, hence the different positions between Crassus and Moss. Kind of like Crassus and the Snows are billionaires, and the Moss's are multi-millionaires, both incredibly wealthy, but one clearly far wealthier and more powerful than the other.

Whataboutism

While not a comment about economics per se, I was very purposeful in making the Cranes the owners of District 11 for two reasons.

Firstly, the Cranes we've seen in canon, Arachne and Seneca, are cruel in thoughtless ways and never consider the consequences of their cruelty. Considering the over-policing and strict control we see in District 11, I knew a family like the Cranes would be more than happy to inflict that much harm.

Secondly, I wanted Crassus to have an example of someone who he considers mindlessly cruel and for him to blame the mindlessness, not the cruelty for the rebels' desire for revolt. This was rooted in a very real phenomena that we have seen in the past and even today. I based him off of some confederate generals in the American south who would've argued that he should be allowed to keep their slaves because they only whip them when they deserve it unlike the neighbours who do it for fun. He's that kind of guy, doesn't stop for a moment to think that the slavery itself is cruel. And in a more modern and currently very relevant context, the removal of a single powerful figure of an industry which is inherently immoral, even if replaced with a far more polite figure, doesn't magically make that industry moral. It's not the figurehead, it's the system, the structure, it's rotten to the core, changing one person won't redeem it.

Quotes

As for the quotes of this chapter, we're back with Frantz Fanon whose work greatly inspired Crassus' chapters. He makes a reference to cognitive dissonance which Crassus needs in droves because he constantly contradicts himself and his beliefs.

I also included a pretty spot on definition of fascism from Robert O. Paxton which I believe fits the political structure of the Capitol well. Though the Capitol doesn't explicitly try to externally expand its borders, I believe the expansion can also be social and economic. So the Capitol does seek to expand it's influence outside of its borders even if its physical landmass doesn't shift.

And the last quote is one that I included because I knew some of the writing for Crassus would seem a little ridiculous and extreme, and while reading Manufacturing Consent, I saw this quote from a 19th century MP in the UK who sounded EXACTLY like how I was writing Crassus. And while I know that the contemporary counterpart to that MP would never be caught dead speaking so plainly about their opinion on the working class, I hope everyone knows that this perspective is still very much alive and that there are people in power today, all over the world, whose internal monologue would be indistinguishable from Crassus'.

[overheard-at-star-command]

'Daddy's Little Princess'

I want to play Dr. Animus for a moment and analyze Mira Nova’s daddy issues. And take a closer look at her dad himself.

(I meant to write this essay for Father’s Day, btw)

In most cases, interpretations of stories are not about what is literally in the text but what is drawn on from the cultural and social experience of the society that created the text. Thus, it’s a stretch to suggest that the writers and creators of Buzz Lightyear of Star Command deliberately wrote Mira’s relationship with her father to be deep or complex. On the other hand, you would be forgiven for thinking that King Nova is just a stock “mean dad” character for a kids’ show.

But, believe it or not, King Nova has a character arc: it’s about a father who goes from being hostile towards his adult daughter to supporting her.

As an adult who has struggled with her own daddy issues, and as someone who has dabbled in the social sciences, psychology, and mythology, I see a much deeper story in the series about the stress of parent and adult child relationships and how the two parties negotiate a new balance between them.

To be up front, I’ve been listening to lectures and podcasts by Jordan Peterson recently, and I will pull interpretive material from his sources. (I understand that Peterson is a controversial figure. If you don’t like him, then go read something else.)

During my first semester of college, a very long time ago, I took an introduction to family studies course. One topic that the got discussed briefly in class was that of family transitions: that is, the question of how families deal with changes such as birth, marriage, divorce, and death. Family transitions bring about changes in how the individual members perform their roles in the family system or relate to one another. The lack of clarity or communication about what these new roles look like creates stress between family members as they try to figure it out on their own. One of the most difficult types of transitions is when an adult child moves out of the household, which my professor referred to (appropriately for this discussion about a kids’ sci-fi show) as ‘launching’. 

Launching creates friction in the parent-child relationship because the parent(s) and child need to redefine the terms of their relationship but will have differing opinions on how to do so. The adult child how has autonomy over their own life. They now set their own boundaries and create their own identity without input from the parent. The adult child either does not fulfil their parent’s expectations for them or outright reject them. The parent wants to support the child but has to let go of providing for most or all of their needs. Social and political differences or even just personal disagreements can cause distance in the relationship and even outright resentment. If not resolved, conflict can lead to one party cutting off the relationship with the other. According to the notes I have saved, my professor remarked that it is the parents who suffer more during launching rather than the adult children.

Father and Daughter

Let me address the elephant in the room: Mira Nova is never mentioned as having a mother. Considering that Mira is a Disney ‘princess’ this is hardly a surprise, since many Disney protagonists, and fairy-tale characters in general, have one or both biological parents missing. Absence or separation from parents requires the hero or heroine of a given story to act as an adult and take responsibility for their own survival. A child missing one or both parents must learn the rules of life by themselves because the parent is not there to teach them. In many cases, absence or separation from parents/parent figures initiates the Hero’s Journey. The archetypal adventure story is a symbolic journey into adulthood itself. Luke Skywalker’s arc in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope is about how he gets off his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm where he spent his childhood and dedicates his adulthood to becoming a Jedi.

Assume, for the sake of argument, that Mira did have a mother, but she is absent because of some unnamed circumstances. She may even be dead. Mira and her father are emotionally close because each is the only nuclear family member the other has, and that closeness gives their disagreements higher stakes and greater potential for damage. If Mira’s hypothetical mother was lost or even killed in some tragedy, it would give King Nova a stronger desire to control and protect his daughter.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention “The Lightyear Factor”, which presents an alternate universe where Mira has lost EVERYTHING including her father. The alternate-universe Mira blames Buzz Lightyear for the crimes committed by his evil doppelganger, including the ones that hit closest to home:

Mira: This is for what you did to Tangea, for what you did to my father! I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him. Buzz: See? For all your rebellious fights with your father, you still cared deeply and you should’ve told him.

As Buzz assumes, the same is true for the Mira in the first universe. Deep down Mira still cares about her father, and even the risk of losing him pains her, as hinted at in ‘The Planet Destroyer’.

Flashbacks: ‘Star-Crossed’ and ‘First Missions’

King Nova is a single father and the monarch of a planet with an insular culture suspicious of outside forces. His go-to parenting strategy is lecturing and discipline. He uses Tangea’s genteel society as a box within to contain and protect his daughter. Without a mother figure in her life, Mira has nothing to mitigate or balance out her father’s absolute control over her. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson, then, instead of being the ideal Wise King and encouraging father, King Nova is the Tyrant over both his planet and his daughter’s life.

The flashbacks in “Star Crossed” tell us that as a teenager, Mira snuck out of the royal palace to explore the outside world, thus starting the journey to adulthood in absence of a mother’s guidance and in defiance of a tyrannical father. It was during these excursions that she met and fell in love with Romac, a Grounder. Mira dating a grounder was the manifestation of King Nova’s worst fears: she had gone into the dangerous outside world and betrayed his expectations for her. Her forced separation from Romac traumatized her, and it is not unfounded to conclude that this incident became a source of hostile feelings towards her father.

An archetype that Jordan Peterson refers to in his lectures is that of the monster parent that devours their own child: think of Kronos in the Greek theogony. The monster parent eats their offspring because they are jealous of the child, either for their potential to surpass them or for having other friends and guardians besides the parent. King Nova ‘swallowed’ his daughter in order to protect her from the dangers of the outside world, those ‘dangers’ being independence, romance, and mingling with ‘common grounders’. In this sense, he is on par with fairy tale parents who attempt and fail to protect their children from the chaos of adulthood, notably the father of Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel’s ‘Mother’ Gothel.

It's ironic: no solid walls can hold Tangeans, and yet the king of that species expects his own daughter to stay inside the palace.

A few years later, as we learn in “First Missions”, the Galactic Alliance approached King Nova about bringing the planet Tangea into their organization. He was not in favor of accepting the offer. He only changed his mind because the Evil Emperor Zurg literally invaded his house, forcing him to see the political necessity. In the process of that home invasion and rescue, Buzz Lightyear came into Mira Nova’s life as an alternative parental figure and a mentor. So Tangea gained membership in the Galactic Alliance, but its king lost his daughter in the bargain.

‘The Planet Destroyer’ (episode 7)

The first time we meet King Nova in the release order of the series is ‘The Planet Destroyer’. This is what happens in his first scene with Mira:

Mira: That laser webbing will prevent even a speck of cosmic dust from entering Tangea’s atmosphere. King: This is all much ado about nothing. Tangea can take care of its own. We certainly don’t need monkeys in space suits to protect us. Mira: 'Monkeys in space suits?' King: Mira, you know how much I disapprove of you being part of that space club. Mira: It is not a club, father. It’s Star Command. King: Mmm, yes. Whatever you call it. I don’t like it. It’s beneath us. Mira: Why, because we’re royal? King: Because we’re Tangean. This diversion is keeping you from the proper development of your powers. Besides, if you consort with monkeys. You’re bound to start acting like one.

They have had this conversation before.

Mira returns to her crew feeling absolutely LIVID. “He’s the most vain, egotistical, conceited man to ever walk Tangea!” she mutters.

I think King Nova feels like he is losing control of his life, and he is: his planet’s political status has changed and his daughter has left home. In response, he doubles down on his controlling speech and attitude towards his daughter. He invalidates Mira and her life away from home.

It is my personal headcanon that the lowest point in Mira’s relationship with her father was when she decided to join Star Command. They may have had terrible arguments. She might have left for the training Academy without saying goodbye. He might have not called her or answered her calls while she was at the Academy and perhaps not even after she graduated (or if he did, it was to ask when she was coming back to Tangea). This could be the first time they’ve seen each other and even talked since she left home.

After Mira graduated, she became partners with Buzz Lightyear along with Booster and XR, and Team Lightyear became her new family. Mira has likely talked to her father about her teammates, so I think the king takes Mira finding an alternative family as a betrayal of their relationship. Therefore, he has no qualms about calling them ‘monkeys’ and ‘inferior’ to specifically insult them.

Zurg’s ‘planet destroyer’ device makes Tangea disappear. But Mira, strangely, is not upset about it. I would argue that this bit of exposition could have been written better. However, when Team Lightyear goes to search for Zurg’s weapon, Mira asserts that Tangea isn’t really destroyed because she still has a mental connection to her planet and her father. She doesn’t know how this connection is possible—and then she admits that if she understood her supernatural powers more then she would have a better idea of how and why the connection worked. What Mira really acknowledges is that her father is partly right about needing to develop her powers.

Mira’s intuition leads Team Lightyear to the alternate dimension where Zurg transported the planets he ‘destroyed’. King Nova appears and Mira is grateful to see him alive. But how to reverse the effects of Zurg’s weapon?

King: With my enormous mental powers, I might be able to penetrate the trans-dimensional hull of this so-called ‘planet-destroyer’” Mira: Mm-hm, okay. And what will you do when Zurg’s killer robots attack? King: Oh. Well, I…hadn’t really thought of that.

Now it is her dad’s turn to realize that he does not know everything he needs to save the day. The king has expertise that Mira does not have, and Mira has the combat skills that the king lacks. With Buzz Lightyear’s encouragement, father and daughter compromise in order to carry out the next part of the mission. They succeed, and Mira gets a few tutorials on more ways to use her ghosting powers besides breaking and entering. King Nova does acknowledge that his daughter being a space ranger does have its benefits—but he is not about to give her his stamp of approval.

‘Mira’s Wedding’ (episode 16)

This brings us to episode 16, “Mira’s Wedding.” King Nova admits to Mira when she comes home to Tangea that her betrothal to Fop Doppler was not his idea, but he is one hundred percent in support of the match. At a later moment, King Nova very rudely informs Buzz, Booster, and XR—her other family—that they are not invited: “You. No go. Wedding.” For the king, the forced marriage of is daughter is an opportunity to bring her back into the protective sphere of the Tangean royal court and their father-daughter relationship at home. This is his chance to ‘swallow’ her again after she escaped.

According to Jordan Peterson, the role of the ideal parent is to encourage their child to be strong and independent. The child that is not allowed to leave home because of overly-attached parents can become ‘a crippled monster’. If you want a monstrosity, look at Mira’s so-called wedding dress (*scream*). Thankfully, the whole engagement and wedding is revealed as a plot to destroy the king, and it is duly foiled. Mira is allowed to return to Star Command. The hostility level between Mira and her father returns to its level of grudging respect.

‘SuperNova’ (episode 23)

Now we get to ‘SuperNova.’ Mira discovers ghosting through energy sources amplifies her Tangean powers and gives her more extraordinary abilities. After the first time she does this, she calls her father to brag about it. King Nova, however, sees Mira’s ‘achievement’ for what it really is.

King: Forget this feeling, Mira. Let it wear off. And never think of it again. Mira: *laughing* You’ve got to be kidding! This is so great! King: Listen to me, child: Tangeans absorb the energy we ghost through. It’s invigorating at first, but— Mira: But what? I feel awesome! King: Of course. Until you can’t stop. Mira: Aw, c’mon! I can handle it!

King: Listen to me, daughter: no good can come from this power ghosting. It can destroy you. It WILL destroy you. Mira: You just can’t stand to see me succeed!

Someone watching ‘SuperNova’ for the first time might think that the king is reprimanding his daughter for no reason, as usual. But this time the king is in the right.

The problem with Mira’s relationship with her father is that she cannot tell the difference between her father (or anyone else) criticizing her wrongly and genuinely helping her because the discord between them has lasted for so long Mira accuses him of being jealous of her independence—right assumption, wrong time. After this conversation, Mira doubles down. She becomes addicted to power ghosting through restricted energy sources in order to keep up her ‘high’ and her amplified powers.

As for the king, his parenting style has come back to bite him. It’s a twisted parallel to the proverbial boy who cried wolf.

Mira’s bad behavior gets her a serious reprimand from Commander Nebula. “You sound like my—father!” she says just as her father himself enters the Star Command hangar.

In The Adventure Begins, it was the Commander who recommended Mira to be Buzz’s partner. My personal headcanon is that Mira saw Commander Nebula as another alternative parent figure: the ‘cool dad’, if you like. Commander Nebula chewing her out for her energy addiction and being in cahoots with her real father against her is a huge betrayal.

What’s more, if King Nova is so attached to Tangea, then seeing him away from his homeworld and at Star Command means that this issue is serious. This is him starting to cross over to her side of their divide, even if he himself does not see it as such. He tells her, “If I don’t do everything Tangean-ly possible to stop you from this, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Mira, of course, won’t listen to either her father or her commanding officer. Instead, she decides that she needs to use her enhanced powers to destroy Emperor Zurg once and for all. Buzz, Booster, and XR agree to go with her, but she sneaks out alone for Planet Z: partly to protect them, yes, but running away is a usual way for her to rebel.

The Evil Emperor Zurg had been keeping track on the wayward princess, and when she arrives to destroy him, he has a trap waiting for her. When Mira exhausts her powers fighting him, he puts her in a dungeon cell adjacent to a waiting energy core, a core that fuels a weapon that will destroy Star Command. The rest of Team Lightyear arrives to join Mira, but Zurg springs a cage on them as well.

Enter King Nova. He walks up to the bars of Mira’s prison cell.

King: Don’t do it, child! Don’t give in to your cravings! Mira: What gives you the right to tell me what to do? King: Because I know how it feels! I, too, once ghosted through energy. I felt its power. And it took me to the brink of destruction.

Then, in what is perhaps one of the rawest lines in the whole series, Mira tells him, “Well, I’m not you!”

With that, she ghosts out of her cell and into Zurg’s waiting power core. But then, to Zurg’s dismay, she ghosts right back out of it.

The Evil Emperor is confused. Isn’t Mira so hopelessly addicted to power that she can’t live without it?

Mira’s next line is the moral message of the episode:

“But there are other kinds of strength, like being able to say enough is enough, or helping someone who’s too stubborn to realize she needs help.”

And she looks at her father and her friends as she says this.

Running through the whole scene again, Mira’s statement about learning her lesson seems to contradict the ‘I’m not you’ line. But let me break down the scene from before that moment. When her friends come to save her and get captured, Mira recognizes that their capture is a consequence of her poor choices. 

She tells her father “I’m not you” moments after his big confession, which means she is still processing it when she walks away. I believe that while getting a final charge from Zurg’s power core, Mira comes to terms with what has just happened: her father has confessed that he is not perfect.

Up until this point, Mira’s image of her father was that of a stern tyrant who embodied his own ideas of Tangean perfection. King Nova has now left his homeworld in defiance of his ego and come to Planet Z (Hell) to save his daughter from Zurg (more or less the Devil, horns and all). He has revealed to her that he had the same weakness that she struggles with currently. He wants to help her overcome it not just out of duty but out of compassion. The king’s actions destroy the false image that his daughter had of him. It can be seen as a symbolic death, in Mira’s mind, of the person she thought her father was.

Mira Nova then undergoes her own symbolic death. She comes out of Zurg’s power core no longer glowing like she did when she was supercharged, meaning that she only absorbed enough energy to get out and fight to save her friends. She leaves her spacesuit inside the energy core, rigged to self-destruct in order to destroy the core, and she is armed with a big blaster. Leaving her spacesuit behind to detonate is her way of shedding her ordeal with her addiction; destroying the core itself is ending her physical dependency on it and similar power sources. Both father and daughter have killed their egos.

In the final scene of the episode, Mira apologizes to her friends for her recent behavior. She even informs Commander Nebula that she is willing to resign from Star Command. She holds herself accountable for her recent actions. In contrast to the start of the episode. Mira admits that she isn’t perfect, either as a person or a space ranger. Buzz intervenes and informs Commander Nebula that in spite of her weakness Mira is still good enough to be a space ranger: her actions after leaving Zurg’s dungeon cell prove as much.

And then, at the very end of the episode, King Nova finally tells Mira that she can stay at Star Command. Because of these events, he is finally willing to let her choose her own path for her adult life. Mira has demonstrated to her father that she can do what is morally right for herself.

The entire incident is the turning point for Mira’s relationship with her father. That is why I believe ‘SuperNova’ is one of the best episodes of the series. In spite of how hard it is to watch Mira mess up, she recognizes her mistakes and makes amends, and in the process, she makes up with her dad. The episode’s emotional payoff is sincere.

‘The Starthought’ (episode 48)

King Nova enters the scene in “The Starthought” on a completely different footing. He offers Star Command a high-tech spaceship to add to its fleet—on the condition that Mira pilots it. He is willing to support Mira as a space ranger now, but she has to do it in a way that displays Tangean superiority—his way.  

At first, Mira is not down to be the Starthought pilot. “Can’t you accept I am not a princess here? I’m a ranger, like everyone else.” In spite of now allowing Mira to stay at Star Command, the king and his daughter have still not figured out the boundaries of their relationship. As her father, he wants to still provide support for her, but in an environment where she is an independently functioning adult this is inappropriate. Mira keeps her work life and her home/royal life separate. She does not want special royal treatment as a space ranger, but she’s happy to live and work as an equal to her colleagues. It looks like she tried to tell her father about this but he failed to understand.

What pushes Mira to take the bait, however, is a snide remark from rival ranger Rocket Crocket. Mira might not be as arrogant as the average Tangean, yet she still has an ego problem. The need to prove herself is normal and healthy, but she is willing to do stupid or risky things to one-up her critics. Mira does pull off some heroics with the Starthought. However, her showing off results in the Starthought being captured by Zurg.

By far, my second favorite scene with Mira and her father is at Cosmo’s diner after the capture of the Starthought. King Nova isn’t angry with Mira for losing the Starthought. “The important thing is that you’re all right,” he tells her.

Mira: I was showing off, and that was wrong.  King: Wrong runs in the family.

It’s a very interesting admission. King Nova is admitting that as her father, trying to prop Mira up with the Starthought was a poor decision. He was showing her off just as much as she was using the Starthought to show herself off. He does not excuse himself for this or for any other mistakes he has made in the past.

Team Lightyear goes to Planet Z, and thanks to some clever shenanigans from Mira the Starthought is destroyed before Zurg can use it for evil. Buzz makes the following statement to the evil Emperor, but he may as well have also said it to the king:

“It’s not the spacecraft of Star Command that wins battles, it’s the space rangers—and we’ve got the best.”

And as he makes that statement, Buzz is holding Mira’s shoulder, showing her off for who she is.

Speaking of Buzz Lightyear, one thing I’ve noticed about Buzz in these episodes is that he acts as a mediator between Mira and her father. It was Buzz who encouraged Mira to seek her independence and her identity in “First Missions’. He encourages Mira and the king to compromise with each other, as in “The Planet Destroyer”, and in that episode and in “Mira’s Wedding” he prods the king to acknowledge that it was Star Command’s intervention that saved the day. In “SuperNova”, Buzz uses persuasion to try and talk Mira out of her addiction before the King resorts to calling Commander Nebula. Buzz later affirms her capability as a space ranger to save her from expulsion. In “The Starthought,” finally, Buzz, Booster, and XR sneakily followed Mira to Cosmo’s with the king (they may have brought him there), but they offer silent moral support while the king and his daughter talk it out. Buzz ensures that King Nova plays the appropriate part of the supportive parent that Mira needs. Buzz can be seen as an alternative dad figure—but I think he brings a whole new level of meaning to the phrase ‘mom friend’.  

The final scene at Cosmo’s is an apt finale for King Nova’s arc.

King: I guess I just need to get used to the fact that you don’t need your father’s anymore. Mira: Well, actually…I do. The bill? I left my unibucks in my other spacesuit. Thanks, Daddy. King: *laughs* Of course you did. My treat.

Father and daughter are still connected, even though their roles in relation to one another are now those of hands-off parent and independent adult child. The king has also accepted Buzz, Booster, and XR as Mira’s new family away from home.

Mira’s arc in Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is the story of a young woman stepping into her new life as an adult. I conclude, then, that King Nova’s arc is the story of a father who at first refuses to allow his adult child to grow up, but then learns the hard way to let his daughter decide her own future.

I apologize for this being such a long essay but there was a lot I wanted to say. If you are more informed on the subjects of mythology, anthropology, psychology, and family studies or you’re just a fan like me, feel free to add constructive comments or corrections.

My personal takeaway: if Mira Nova can figure out her daddy issues, then mine aren't hopeless either.

Video Sources

(Wish I had more, I put this together on somewhat short notice)

Dr. Joshua Coleman On Family Estrangement

Dr. Jordan Peterson

Pinocchio and Leaving Your Parents

Mother's vs. Father's Roles

Tyrannical Fathers

Saving the Father Figure

Conversation with Jonathan Pageau about AI and Fairy Tales

[half-developed-frontal-lobe]

It's not just Tracer either, I do find Kiriko, Reinhardt, and other's interactions...slightly bare? Dry. It's very superficial and one dimension.

Tracer, without a doubt, has incredible guilt about Mondatta's death. I feel like when they transitioned to the new game, they deep scrubbed everything and anything negative at some point, when they should have drilled it in a little bit more.

Now, with Null Sector attacking, I feel like there would be some sort of shadowed relapse. The sunshine character is losing her spark. If Mondatta didn't die, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Null Sector would not be attacking the world right now. If she had done something different maybe, stopped pulling her punches, pushed her limits with her time, and end up physically draining herself more, maybe the Omnics wouldn't be getting subjugated.

You'd see it effect her relationships with those she surrounds herself with, and though she wants to look on the brighter side of things, it could be her in denial about how much stress she has on her mind. Not only that? But the omnics lining Toronto's train station? Catatonic states and motionless? Could you imagine the terror of thinking that her one act of survival just caused millions of deaths if no one told her they were in a sleep state?

Effects on Lena?

- She'd be trying to take more punches. Nasty ones at that. Putting herself in danger more often, because if she can't take the hit, then someone she cares for will.

- Aggression towards people joining. I feel like she should be a little bit more wary with Baptiste. He's from Talon, and sometimes it feels like nobody is on edge with that. I understand the heartfelt moment with Fareeha and Cassidy, but some things are far too simple for all of them to just get along with it.

We the audience know he's a good guy, but that doesn't mean that the ingame characters should.

If Blizzard hits you with a, 'well it's been a few days since the PVE and heroes ascendant, some heroes are cool with-'

Don't give me that crap. How are people supposed to know how time is passing through this universe when there's no milestones to mark it within game?

- Aggression against Ram and Talon. Is much needed. Widowmaker and her lines seem too light.

'I have to work with you?'

'Babysitting is not part of my services.'

'Thats a relief, who'd trust you with a baby?'

When I heard Torb's voice lines in OW classic, it had me deep thinking:

Just seems too...cutesy? This is the same person who killed Mondatta and possibly lit the powder keg of the Null Sector invasion.

If you want good voice lines, you actually need your players to stop in the spawn room to think about what they just heard.

But it seems like a lot of these voice lines are missing that type of punch, and shielding the audience away from the deeper sides of these characters. There is so much more to the optimistic characters like Tracer, and they completely remove part of her complexity by sugarcoating her interactions.

'Oh shit, that's right. He used to be extremely hateful towards omnics and robots because of the Omnic Crisis.'

We are able to make that connection that this character does not want to be anywhere near an Omnic or the Monastery, and is very much outspoken about how uncomfortable they are when being around certain areas and people.

With the Widow/Tracer voice line, sure, you can assume their relationship with each other isn't good, but it lacks aggressiveness. There should be a sharper line between the two. One where it conveys to the audience Lena's trauma and her loathing towards Widow. Where it shows Widow's remorseless attitude towards her own actions.

This would give such a large insight on Lena's character altogether, and Amelié's if written well.

I've been less motivated to post here lately because I only seem to have negative things to say about the modern state of Overwatch. I know damn well how annoying that is. In the words of Chris Griffin: "Why are you so fucking negative all the time?"

Alas, Lena "Tracer" Oxton is my original character, and I will forever be upset about how the newer developers don't seem to understand them.

First, Black Cat Tracer still drives me up the wall because they would not wear that, but even in the matching spray and name card, they don't have any of their personality. Lena has always been more puppy-coded than kitty-coded, anyway. I get it, though. Let's appease the homophobic straight men who play this game-- and Tracer, in particular-- for a living because that's where the money's at.

Then, I played Overwatch Classic, and as much as it made me appreciate how far the game has come in the few matches where I played any other hero, it is undeniably a Tracer main's playground. Thus, I played fifteen matches of Tracer and Tracer only for the "Play 15 matches as an Offense hero in Overwatch Classic" challenge, but even in my first match, hearing the old Overwatch 1 voice lines was a breath of fresh air.

They used to sound so cool, calm, and collected. Still excited and enthusiastic, no doubt, but more gentle. The way I described it while ranting to my friends who don't play Overwatch is that Tracer's new lines mostly sound like hyperactive Marvel quips written by someone who only had an "incorrect quotes taken from Vines" grasp on their personality and completely Flanderized them in the process.

This is Overwatch 2 Tracer's writing to me:

Sure, they are a silly and clumsy character at heart, but way to overdo it! Also, I still think the person who wrote the "Caught you staring!" line should be flayed alive in front of their family.

Speaking of Overwatch 1 interactions, I also realized how similar many of Overwatch 2's are. I already ranted in a previous post about how Lena used to be angrier towards Talon members-- take going from "It wouldn't be a problem if you just disappeared forever" to "Whoopsie-daisy, I got locked out of my phone," for example. In the same post, I also ranted about how Lena's new interaction with Illari feels like a duplicate of the one with Ashe.

Now, imagine the disappointment I felt when I heard the interaction they used to have with Genji about their survivor's guilt over Mondatta while playing Overwatch Classic and went through Overwatch 2's interactions to confirm my suspicions that they never take a similar tone in the glorified update latter game. They talk about the Slipstream Incident with D.Va and Mercy in Overwatch 2's spawn room interactions, but both times, they only say "Teehee! I can't believe I got lost in time! My bad!"

I know these newer interactions tend to be written by interns in their early twenties, as said interns would always celebrate on Twitter whenever their work got added to the game. Still, as a fellow early-twenty-something-year-old, the drop in quality to hiring actual, experienced writers shows. The only time we get an idea of how Lena copes with their baffling amount of trauma is when Emily tells us, the audience, in the Story Missions that they often fixate on something for hours straight to distract themself.

Whatever, man. Every time Blizzard makes a joke out of Lena "Tracer" Oxton, I give them a new mental illness in my canon rewrite. There are always new ways to torture my homunculus.

[zachthehopelessromantic]

hi! i’m curious about your thoughts on a 29 ° scorpio venus in the 12th house in a composite chart? i haven’t found much info on this placement, but from what i’ve gathered, it can be difficult and intense, also compounded by a square to our leo saturn 😭😭

what do you think?

Sure, I can give you some perspective

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Venus is typically debilitated in Scorpio, which means that Scorpio has a much more difficult time with the themes of Venus. Scorpio is the sign that is opposite Taurus, the sign of possessions, which means Scorpio is that sign that lets go of material possessions for more spiritual things.

Scorpio has two ruling planets, Mars (traditionally) and Pluto in the modern age. I use both to fully understand the deep complexities of the sign. It acts much like how both planets, are very cold and distant in the beginning, and then out of nowhere, it gets scarily passionate and aggressive. This might be a common theme in the relationship, the two people were cold and distant at the beginning and then something happened and there was this surge of passion and romance. It might still be a common theme, there are periods where there is not much romance with the both of you just enjoying each other's company, and then later, there is this mass amount of romantic and sexual energy. Speaking of sexual, Scorpio in Venus couples have great sex.

The 29th degree in astrology is the degree of karmic urgency. It is the very last degree until it transitions into 0 degrees of a sign. Personally, I am very familiar with the 29th degree since 3 of my big 6 are in this degree (Including Venus).

The themes of Venus are very much emphasized in the couple's lives. Now that can be a good thing and a bad thing. It is likely the couple prioritizes each other's love, and are very much gift-givers. Intimacy is a very large theme as well. The bad is that the relationship might be prioritized TOO MUCH, and with Scorpio's obsessive nature, this could be really bad. The relationship may seem like an addiction to both people. Craving each other every minute of every day, never satisfied, needing more and more until the two eventually get totally sick of each other or until someone from the outside tries to intervene.

Venus square Saturn in a composite chart can either make or break a couple. Like I've said countless times before, Saturn is the glue in a relationship. Harsh and harmonious aspects of Saturn are favored highly, in my opinion. But, Saturn can also make or break a couple. Saturn forces us to grow and reflect on ourselves, it makes us feel shitty for the sake of making us feel like a god later on. In a composite chart, Saturn is how the couple can grow. Saturn in Leo couples are afraid of how the public may perceive them, there may be deep insecurities of not feeling adequate enough shared by both people. With the square to Venus, Saturn forces the couple to mature through love itself. Again, jealousy and possessiveness are common themes here.

The two people must realize there are other things outside of their relationship that can be just as rewarding as loving each other. If this does not happen, Saturn will break the relationship up because it doesn't see growth or maturity. Venus Square Saturn may also indicate a long-distance relationship or a relationship where the two do not see each other very much due to external circumstances.

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Hope this helped. ❤️

[likealittleheartbeat]

I deeply appreciate how ATLA depicts all the main characters responses to trauma. Aang’s, for me, however, stands out for its rareness in media. And we are not hammered over the head with the idea that Aang (or any other characters) repeatedly act certain ways because of a single traumatic event. Sure, there are key moments in our lives when a certain event comes to the forefront, but no one experiences the world as constant flashbacks. Rather, we see only in retrospect the way our sarcastic sense of humor or our heightened friendliness were protective responses to a deep emotional injury. Being able to understand Aang’s approach to loss is essential for the show. The structure of the series is founded on his arc (despite an incredible foil provided by Zuko). Our little air nomad initially confronts the loss of his people with a full-on meltdown in the episode “The Southern Air Temple,” where Katara’s offering of familial belonging soothes him. But this kind of outburst is not Aang’s primary response (and actually the literally out-of-character apocalyptic tantrums align with Aang’s overall process of grieving). Instead of constantly brooding (hey Zuko!), Aang leans heavily toward the monk’s pacifist teachings and toward his assumed destiny “to save the world.” He becomes overtly accommodating and joyful, constantly trying to see “the good” in everything with a perfectionist’s zeal. This is not to ascribe his bubbliness only to his trauma. Rather, he comes to emphasize this part of his personality for reasons related to the negative emotions he struggles to face.  Book 1: Water

In the first season, Aang is simply rediscovering his place in the world. “Water is the element of change. The people of the water tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a sense of community and love that holds them together.” This is vital to Aang as he initially faces his experience. He won’t get through this if he is not prepared for his life to change. Even if he hadn’t been frozen for 100 years, his world would never be the same. This fact involves eventually finding new people that he feels safe with. After such a massive loss, he’s learning who to trust, and also often making mistakes; not only does he find Sokka and Katara (and I’d argue he’s actually slow to truly open up to them), this is the season where he helps save a fire nation citizen who betrays him to soldiers, befriends the rebel extremist Jet, and attempts to befriend an actively belligerent Zuko (his moral complexity had only JUST! been revealed to the kid!). He’s constantly offering trust to others and seeking their approval in opposition to the deep well of shame and guilt he carries as a survivor of violence. This is also the season where Aang swears off firebending after burning Katara in an overeager attempt to master the element (one will note how fire throughout the series is aligned with, above all else, assertiveness and yang). Aang is so eager to be seen as morally good to others that he refuses to risk any possible harm to them.  And asserting himself carries a danger, in one sense, that he might make a mistake and lose someone’s positive regard, and, in another sense, that he is replicating the anger and violence he’s witnessed. He has no relationship to his anger at this stage of his grief, so it comes out uncontrollably, both in firebending and the Avatar State. It’s through the patience of his new family that he can begin to feel unashamed about his past and about the ways his shame is finding (sometimes violent) expression in the present. Book 2: Earth In the second season he begins to trust himself and stand his ground. Earth, after all, is the element of substance, persistence, and endurance. The “Bitter Work” episode encapsulates how Aang must come to a more sturdy sense of his values. First, there is the transition of pedagogical style. While Katara emphasized support and kindness, Toph insists on blunt and threatening instruction, not for a lack of care towards Aang. Instead, it’s so Aang learns how to stop placing the desires of others above his own--to stop accommodating everyone else above his own needs. Toph taunts Aang by stealing one of the few keepsakes from the monastery that he holds onto. This attachment to the lost airbending culture is echoed in the larger arc with Appa. And, by the end of this episode, it is Aang’s attachment to Sokka that allows him to stand firm. This foreshadows the capital T Tragic downfall in the “Crossroads of Destiny.” Aang gives up his attachment to the other member of his new found family, Katara, despite his moral qualms. Although he has access to all the power of the Avatar state, his sacrifice is not rewarded. Season 2 illustrates Aang coming to terms with his values. He is learning about what he stands for, what holds meaning to him. Understanding himself also includes integrating his grief, and there’s a lonely and dangerous aspect to that exploration. We see Aang’s anger and hopelessness over longer stretches rather than outbursts in this season. It’s hard to watch and hard to root for him. That depressive state leads to actions that counter his previous sense of morality, as he decisively kills an animal, treats his friends unkindly, and blames others for his loss. Letting these harsher feelings emerge is an experiment, and most people discover their boundaries by crossing them. Finding ways to hold compassion for himself, even the harm he causes others, is the other side of this process. Our past and our challenging emotions are a part of us, but they are only a part. Since Aang now has a strong sense of community and is learning to be himself rather than simply seeking validation, we also see him having more healthy boundaries with new people. He’s no longer befriending villains in the second season! He’s respectful and trusting enough, but he’s not putting himself in vulnerable situations nor blindly trusting everyone. Instead, he’s more likely to listen to his friends’ opinions or think about how the monks might’ve been critical towards something (they’re complaints about Ba Sing Se, for example). By knowing what he cares for, he can know himself, the powerful, loving, grief-struck monk. And he can trust that, though he might not be everyone’s favorite person, he does not need to feel ashamed or guilty for who he is or what he’s been through. Book 3: Fire However, despite a sense of self and a sense of belonging, Aang and the group still find themselves constantly asking for permission throughout their time in Ba Sing Se. It’s in the third season, Fire, that initiative and assertiveness become the focus. And who better to provide guidance in this than the official prince of “you never think these things through,” Zuko. It’s no longer a time for avoidance or sturdy defensiveness. It is the season of action. Fire is the element of power, desire, and will, all of which require us to impact others.  We see the motif of initiative throughout the season: the rebels attempt to storm the Firelord on the Day of the Black Sun; Aang attempts to share his feelings and kiss Katara; Katara bends Hama and a couple of fire nation soldiers to her will. In each of these examples, the initiators face disgrace. Positive intent does not bring forth success, by any means, only more consequences to be dealt with. This is perhaps Aang’s biggest challenge. He is afraid that his actions will fail, or worse, they will succeed but he will be wrong in what he has chosen. The sequencing in the series, here, is important. We have already seen how Aang has worked to care for (and appreciate) the well-being of others and how he has learned to care for his own needs. With this in mind, he should be able to trust that his actions will derive from these wells of compassion. But easier said than done. Compassion can also trap him into indecision, hearkening back to his avoidant mistake in the storm, in which the whole mess began. Aang’s internal conflict, here, becomes more pronounced as the finale draws nearer. I think it’s especially significant that we witness Aang disagreeing with his mentors and friends. He must act in a way that will contradict and even threaten his sources of support if he is to trust his own desires. Even the fandom disagrees about the choice Aang makes, which further highlights the fact that making a decisive choice is contentious. There is no point in believing it will grant you love or admiration or success. For someone who began (and spent much of) the series regularly sacrificing himself just to bring others peace, Aang’s decision to prioritize his own interests despite the very explicit possibility of failure is the ultimate growth his character can have and the ultimate representation of him processing his trauma. (This arc was echoed and made even more explicit in many ways with Adora in the She-ra finale.) The last significant time Aang followed his desire, in his mind, was when he escaped the Air Temple in the storm. To want something, to trust his desire and act on it, is an act of incredible courage for him, and whether it succeeded or failed, whether anyone agrees or disagrees with it, it offered Aang a sense of peace and resolution. Now I appreciate and love Zuko’s iconic redemption arc, but Aang’s subtler arc, which subverts the “chosen one” narrative and broke ground to represent a prevalent emotional experience, stands out to me as the foundation for the show I love so much.

[nabrizoya]

RoW Theories and Things I Want to See

with RoW literally a few weeks away, here’s some theories your way. 

this is Really long. like, really very long; mind you. 

Nikolai might become a disabled character.

It’s just the vibes. If we can take reference from the Too Clever Fox story, there’s a line that says “...and his [Koja’s] fur never quite sat right the same...”, which might hint at it (mostly bc i don’t want him to die). Also if this is indeed possible, it can be used to address ableism if it exists in this universe, especially since Nikolai is someone in the highest position of power. 

Zoya will experiment the shit out of powers. 

Idk why the synopsis says that using her powers might be a great deal, which tbf will be because she is truly the most most powerful atm; but Zoya wouldn’t mind taking the step outside of the old norms and bend the orders until they serve their purpose. That’s the entire goal rly.

But all along, she will consciously keep herself mindful to not hunger or discharge her power in a way that may cause harm. She knows the tyranny of the Darkling and the ways he employed. She knows better. 

More character depth to Zoya. 

Given the excerpts, the book does seem to explore Zoya’s infinite grief. And of course her Suli heritage, which a great part of the fandom consistently wants to shadow what with the talk “white features/ part Ravkan” bs. 

But there’s more. I hope RoW will show Zoya’s dilemma (that was alr hinted in KoS) she has with the power she holds, the responsibility she has with having that power + using it in the way that will not be detrimental to her and the country. It will be a great way to portray her self-awareness and doubt and insecurity. She is a good leader, that much is told in text but not shown. There’s character development from the end of R&R until KoS that makes her evolve from a what she was then to the capable and mature 22 year old she is in KoS. 

Of course all of their capabilities will come to light in RoW but I think Zoya and the agency to her as a character will play an integral part. More so because Zoya is to be the conduit to reversing the current Grisha orders, which runs in parallel with the fact that she needs to go back, go back to the roots of her Grisha knowledge and roots of her i.e. her unending grief and trauma. 

She will need to forgive herself while also dealing with the guilt and anger she may have caused due to her position and power. All of this while dealing with her own complex and contrasting emotions due to her own trauma.

Nikolai is held for treason. 

The word of allying with The Darkling may be out and that is enough reason for the entire country to turn against him. The secret about the monster causes issues more than enough already, and this will plunge the country into deep political turmoil and threats to security. So RoW will be more politically driven. That said...

There’s no overt war. 

By this I mean that there will not be war on the battlefield, both armies or more charging at each others’ enemies and such. Ravka cannot afford one either. The excerpts have already proved that. There will be skirmishes akin to a war scenario, but a complete battle like the last battle in R&R? Like a final battle? That’s not going to be there, I think… What I’m assuming might happen is that the Fjerda and Ravka will take a possible Cold War route, if it isn’t already the case they’re already dealing with atm. 

Ravka’s monarchy will collapse. 

It may become a democracy or any other form of public or majority vote. But the monarchy (as well a possible dictatorship, esp with the Darkling returned) will be eliminated. ...Or so I hope, since it has been alluded to in KoS. 

But that poses many problems. With no one line for the throne, let alone with a crime so dark like a blot on Nikolai’s skill (of taking the Darkling’s help), it is possible that Ravka will shun it, right alongside being torn about it because Nikolai has been, for the best of his ability, a good King. All of this in line with the Resistance rising in West Ravka. 

This ties in with the court matters, especially if I want to hold the further points I make true. The resolution to acquit Nikolai of his charges requires a testification forth a jury which will then make a decision about his motives and future. 

Zoya as the Interim Head. 

After all of this, Zoya’s point about Ravka not accepting a Grisha Queen will be true after all, because there will be no monarchy to welcome such an arrangement. 

But Ravka will need a good and trustworthy leader despite Grisha powers and Zoya is the best person to take care of that. The comment “...becoming a steady leader...” and the “Welcome home, Commander,” were there in KoS for a reason (and this is what I think it will link to). 

That being said, there’s more nuance to this than my summary. Zoya is a character of colour. That—in addition to the already existing threats, objections and possible question of capability in the position—ill play into how she will be able to discharge her responsibility. It’s not going to be convenient.

EDIT: taken from a reblog/addition to the og post:

A smoother/more structured transition

Once after the monarchy collapses and a leader must be chosen, it will not be Nikolai. Nor will it be Zoya, though she might serve as an interim head. What I assume might be possible is that someone older is chosen, someone older and loyal and with the proof of knowledge and service to the country. Possibly by majority vote or elected by a council.

Instead of the sudden change, this can be a smoother (if that can even be said about such a major political scenario change) or more structured. I also say this because a. if Nikolai is indeed charged (and later acquitted), firstly his political career will already hold a blot if the word about using the Darkling as a resource is out and secondly, he’s way too young to serve as the leader (by modern standards, sure, but like, the required age will be set while drafting the constitution? currently its 35+).

Instead, the current cast can become representatives (which Zoya would already be, (mostly the head of the) international committee that safeguards the Grisha all over the world) and the Triumvirate will be dissolved. (it should be, tbh)

And hey, b. after all of this, they can and kind of need to take a step back. Nikolai and Zoya will be able to truly explore their relationship, given how Nikolai mentions how he wouldn’t marry unless he’d have had the chance to court someone and marry someone he barely knows nor knows him. For Zoya’s part, she does know Nikolai but surely probably not the extent of openness that a healthy relationship has, and on Nikolai’s part, he admits he barely knows her beyond as a General except for just little things about her.

They could be able to realize and work on their feelings while alongside being involved with the workings of the country and the constitution.

“One day you will overstep and I will not be so forgiving.” 

Need I say more? Something that Zoya does will cost her Nikolai’s goodwill and we know Zoya knows her practicality and the extent to which she will unapologetically move if there is threat to the country and its King. She will do what was right and required. 

A major part of that line ties in with Magnus Opjer and I think with the confidence in the versatility of her powers, Zoya might as well move w/o any word to the Triumvirate to eliminate the most direct threat to the throne. This will bring splits in Nikolai and Zoya’s relationship. 

How this tension between them will be resolved without compromising either of their values, without playing into fandom stereotypes and others must be carefully handled. All of this while showing the best of their dynamicity, practicality and priority as they carefully pull out just those weak sticks of the jenga without putting the whole country into trouble. And with a war in plain sight, they’d know better than pointlessly argue and would rather see how the two of them are wrong. This ordeal will bring out just how condensed power is in the current scenario, imo. 

Importance on the way women have shaped history. 

Something that KoS has already set precedence for. Zoya being a PoC, Nina taking into account of the sufferings of women she comes across and the consistent ‘Who will remember them?’ will be elaborated on further. As for how it is done and how well it is done, that remains to be seen. 

Baghra is alive but maybe not thriving bc she’s stuck in the Ice Court. 

They entered a chamber where an old woman sat with her hands chained, flanked by guards. Her eyes were vacant. As each prisoner approached, the woman gripped his or her wrist.

A human amplifier. [...] But the Fjerdans used them for a different purpose – to make sure no Grisha breached their walls without being identified.

Kaz watched Nina approach. He could see her trembling as she held out her arm. The woman clamped her fingers around Nina’s wrist. Her eyelids stuttered briefly. Then she dropped Nina’s hand and waved her along.

Had she known and not cared? Or had the paraffin they’d used to encase Nina’s forearms worked?

- Chapter 22. Kaz; Part 4: Trick to Falling, Six of Crows.

Nina will be the one to free her and together they might wage a war from Djerholm together.

This gets even more interesting because we know the anguish and scorn that Baghra feels for her son at the same time; she understands the wrongness that he used to seek and will continue to. Zoya does take Baghra’s name at the Fold when she mourns and rages over how people forget the destruction and most importantly, forget the women. Baghra could be the symbol of the stag as the art piece depicts, or will be shown with relation to the Darkling’s powers.

As for how she will play into the story, perhaps she will be the one to help reverse and find the roots of the orders, in the sense that changes the perception of the Grisha powers for the Grisha as well as the common folk of Ravka. She is the only other person other than Juris and the Darkling to have the age of eras together, knowing Ilya Morozova, and she will be instrumental in giving Ravka an advantage over Fjerda. Either that or she will help in scrubbing the prejudices of Fjerda slowly away with whatever powers she has left. Or both. 

Alina will reappear, but will not contribute to the plot significantly.

Zoya understands that the truth she knows about the Darkling is very minimal not enough to end him for once and for all. It makes sense that she will probably consult Alina for it. So, Malina appearance, possibly at the orphanage. Alina will not directly contribute to this war, but she will play a critical role in defeating the Darkling.

Besides, Alina —and Baghra— are the only ones who know that there has only ever been two Darklings. Zoya did sense, multiple times during KoS, that the Darkling is damn old. Yuri mentions it. And while it is not outright specified, the fact that Zoya thinks that she realizes just how ancient Lizabetha is in context of meeting the Darkling is enough proof for her to seek more information about the age and the older skill of the Darkling. 

And I think it goes without saying that I want to hope that the Darkling and Alina will not meet. Pls, she’s had enough. 

Lada is the lost, other friend that Zoya refuses to bury. 

“She saw her mentor die and her worst enemy resurrected, and she refuses to bury another friend.”

Liliyana is dead, we know. But there’s no other mention of Lada except for the “wondering what happened to the pug faced girl.” Lada is possibly a part of the group of women and a Grisha returning to Ravka from Fjerda, exploited by the parem. She might die being unable to withhold the sheer torment of the parem induction, which will devastate Zoya because Lada was also the closest she’s had to a family with Liliyana. 

Either that or Lada is already dead or dies some other way, and Zoya cannot bring herself bear the grief of losing her. 

Cameos: Inej and Jesper. 

The most likely of the crows to appear in RoW are Inej and Jesper and they’ll play equally important roles in the plotline. Here’s a breakdown of why:

Inej

Inej has taken the responsibility of becoming a slave hunter, and it makes sense for Inej to make an appearance in the book, given that there’s going to be a ship taking the Grisha from Fjerda to Ravka. 

The women aboard are vulnerable and require immediate attention, which Inej will immediately zero in on. She will have enough reason to suspect both Leoni and Adrik on the ship, especially when the jurda parem is still a secret. Leoni and Adrik cannot give that information away because they don’t trust Inej (and have no reason to either). Inej won’t trust them either, not until she understands that the reason why the women are being taken to Ravka and for what reasons. 

Which gives her excellent reason to step in, try to analyze the situation and help the women accordingly.

Here’s an exciting thought though. Once after the entire misunderstanding is overcome and Inej understands (esp. if Nina is brought into the conversation and security and secrecy of the conversation is ensured), there may be discussion about how the Grisha might find a safer space in Ravka.

Inej’s appearance might also extend to playing a pivotal role in giving Zoya the confidence to seek her heritage and where she hails from, to embrace the part of her past and forgive herself and others for her mistakes. 

ALSO, 

Grisha finding a safer space in Ravka will mean that Inej can pitch Jesper’s case for him to Zoya. Being the highest authority who takes cares of the responsibilities of the Grisha, Zoya will be the best person to talk about this with. 

And so, here comes Jesper. 

Jesper

For one, I wish Jesper and Leoni interact, talk and just bond like the iconic siblings they would be. <3 But more than that, Jesper plays very integral to the plot for more reasons.

Jesper’s arc will parallel Zoya’s. Both of them are new to their powers in their own individual sense; Zoya is trying to use her new powers in a way that hasn’t been done before, thereby breaking the Grisha orders of powers and Jesper (assuming he has decided that he might want to learn and embrace his Grisha powers) is learning them afresh. 

This journey of them trying to embrace, learn and relearn and reject older norms and experiment really work in tandem.

That will lead us to a further (plot) theories. 

Ties with Novyi Zem 

As of the KoS end, Ravka has no support from anyone atm. Sure the Kerch will provide funds but Ravka has no real allies. Here’s where Novyi Zem and Jesper come in. 

We know Novyi Zem is a new country and also that it is the second safest country for the Grisha in the universe. As of KoS, their agreements are not renewed and they would be since between Kerch and Novyi Zem, Ravka was forced to pick Kerch. Yet Ravka needs their help in acquiring jurda for the antidote. 

So here’s the deal: Ravka will get their jurda but at many conditions that the Novyi Zem will impose on Ravka to not let exploitation get in the way. 

The conditions imposed could be (these are just some at the top of my head but I hope there are more to ensure the safety and security of the Zemeni, in Novyi Zem and in Ravka too) : 

Naval support from Ravka

We know of the Zemeni ships and ofc Nikolai has been hard at work trying to develop plans to use the sea to its fullest advantage. While the news of the izmars’ya isn’t public, Zemeni can place a condition for technical aid from Ravka since Ravka does have the technical knowledge it can dispatch as a condition.

A Grisha School in Novyi Zem

Think about it. Ravka, despite being the safest place for the Grisha, still isn’t entirely safe. Not all Grisha become soldiers in Ravka, they have a choice to abstain but those who are training are still recruited a honed for purpose alike preparing for war, especially the teens and preteens from the time of the Civil War. The training does take a lot of time. Ravka intends to make a home first and then service, but at the moment, while the Grisha are provided safety, it’s not assured in the best sense. Both the facts about a home and service are in precarious positions atm.

TL;DR: Ravka isn’t entirely safe for Grisha therefore the Grisha themselves too are not + Ravka is war torn. 

So what happens? 

One of the conditions as the next best country that serves as home to the Grisha, Novyi Zem may put forth the prospect of building a Little Palace like institution for the Grisha in Novyi Zem. It sounds morally wrong in the sense that the Grisha there will also be trained for war, but the war will end and soon, the Grisha will not be subject to serve for something but engage in economic activities as anybody else with the progression of time.

All of this won’t happen immediately either; learning their powers, honing it in the way that is unocnventional from what it had been pre-RoW and that transition + the building of the establishment in Novyi Zem and laying foundation for the  transnational panel or committee for Grisha that Zoya talks about will all take so much time. 

A few Grisha representatives from Novyi Zem can learn at the Little Palace and by the time the construction of the institution is done in Novyi Zem, these Grisha, along with other willing Grisha who either want to return to the country they were born in (like Leoni) or are offered to teach in a different country can do so too. 

There will be stricter terms so as to not ensure exploitation and possible colonization in these nations. 

Zoya mentions in one of her chapters that eventually there will be a need for the a  transnational panel or committee for Grisha. Jesper can Zoya can make it possible, adding in other countries to the panel slowly as the war recedes. 

Kaz and Wylan? 

Least likely to make an appearance, in my opinion. I think they’ll be mentioned plenty of times or brought up once and given great importance for how they can help in the side plot. 

Shu Support: 

This is more a hope than an actually theory dfbkdhjadfh but Makhi might have to step down from the throne because Ehri will take the place; either as a Queen (no...) or she might oversee the process of strengthening Shu Han and finding a leader (if she doesn’t want to become one herself). 

Ehri is capable, more than capable despite the little we know of her from the last chapter in KoS. All I hope is for an understanding and friendship between Nikolai and Ehri (and the subsequent cancelling of the marriage duH) for this to happen. She has little interest in statecraft but with the time she might spend with Nikolai, she might change her views. Even if not then she still gets the happy ending she deserves with Mayu (which is canon at this point rly).

Emotional Development or Breakdowns

Okay but I really, really, really hope we get to see all the three protagonists lose their shit and deal with their trauma, seek help or trying to stop isolating themselves or anything else they do to cope? Nina, Zoya and Nikolai, all of them cry, all of them get to completely lose it, let themselves be human and healthily cope and learn to rely on the people they trust the most. Like the sheer power and potential to show the myriad of ways to deal with grief, sadness, stress and more and make use of the trio’s backgrounds to show healthy and diverse ways of helping themselves, by letting themselves and others help them is just *combusts* Incredible! 

That being said, can I also ask for moments of fear and desolation from the side characters too? Impending war isn’t small business, it will take its toll on people, and all these reactions just cement their fears and what they value the most so. pls. Humanizing them rly. 

The Saving Each Other 

As much as I mostly kinda hate this trope, there are traces in the KoS that Zoya might be the one to end Nikolai’s affliction. On the other hand, there is talk of Nikolai helping Zoya control her powers which seems counterintuitive when you consider that Zoya knows that there is a line that she must never cross and that she is very, very careful about it and will continue to be. 

They can instead be the ones who motivate each other in times of distress as they always do (as shown with how Nikolai tries to gain control over his monster during the burning thorn ritual in KoS, allowing himself the vulnerability but also knowing that giving up will be unforgivable to both himself and Zoya as well) but I seriously do not wish for each other to be the ones directly ending one another's misery. Or perhaps this is just a fear imo that Leigh wouldn’t even take the route of (in which case, thank fuck).

Stab Stab Stab 

Zoya gets the chance to kill the Darkling with the rest of her friends. After all, Darkling does call them all his old friends. Just Julius Caeser him all the way and put a bow tie on the book. *chef’s kiss* Everybody deserves a second chance... at ending a tyrant when it fails the first time. 

+

So far, this is it. Rule of Wolves is in less than a few weeks and im- asdfghjkl. not Ready. i’m more Worried than Ready.

[ganymedesclock]

I wanted to ask you a voltron question, cause i know you used to be really into the show. But you don't have to, if you've moved onto other interests. But if you're willing to answer, how do you think the show handled the topic of trauma, especially when it comes to war and near-death experiences? The heroes tended to act like they were fine most of the time, as if they weren't in a really stressful, terrifying situation for a very long time.

I'm going to answer this in a way that's more general rather than specific to Voltron, but I think it is relevant.

I think two things are simultaneously true:

1. there are many action shows, VLD among them, which do not focus exhaustively on War Trauma.

2. there are many instances in fandom, VLD's among them, which somewhat obsessively over-focus on the idea of characters in trauma.

I think VLD doesn't shy away from, gloss over, or ignore, the difficulties of war. If anything, it is rather effective in being a war show, considering that it's also an action show for kids. A huge amount of Shiro's character (especially his clone self from s3-onward, who is retraumatized) depicts his relationship with trauma and how he handles this unhealthily by trying to be there for everybody to the point it takes him a painfully long time to start asking for help in s5- long after it's obvious something is incredibly wrong. There are also more subtle transitions in the story- you can tell that while Lance remains a character who loves attention and the spotlight, he rapidly shifts in how he views heroism. Early on he is characterized as a person who makes bad decisions simply because they are more glamorous (crashing the shuttle by not listening to Hunk or Pidge; taking Nyma for a ride)- by s2 he has settled into a more precise and intense sniper mentality.

I think to a degree the VLD fandom doesn't give the paladins enough credit- yes they're young, maybe a bit improbably young to people not in the target demographic- but they were all basically either students at or graduates of military school, with the exception of Allura who also clearly had combat training. These guys weren't fighting in life or death situations, but of them, Pidge is the one who is probably the most shocked to find the going getting hard, and her bitterness, frustration, and ultimately resolve also factor in here.

We see in canon that whenever someone's in the healing pod, the entire rest of the team camps around them until they wake up. This is framed as a happy, reassuring moment, but it also shows us these guys are pulling closer in the face of grief and loss. They lash out at each other. They get angry. Stresses are afoot here.

But also, it's very clear their happier behavior has a point- s2e5, Eye Of The Storm, says this about as plainly as it possibly can: the entire team is exhausted and run ragged and everybody starts wandering off to do various pastimes, more or less successfully. The point isn't that they're unfazed by what's happening- it's that they're coping.

People have extremely complicated and varied ways of dealing with stress, and, developmentally speaking, we're generally designed to put out whatever efforts we can to make things work. And I think it's ultimately a matter of personal taste if you think VLD doesn't dig into it enough, but I think that it's also the nature of fanfic, both for better and for worse, to dig way more into characters' emotional states (to the point that there are many fics- including some very beautiful fics, that I have greatly enjoyed- where the entire point is just a psychological deep-trawl of what this person is feeling at this point)

And to a certain flatly utilitarian degree, I mean, what's the alternative? We aren't turning on a colorful action cartoon looking for a long period of introspection, anxiety, and despair as our likable heroes break down under the millstone of what they're doing. That's just plain not what this show was built for. If we hunger for that, it's something we should look elsewhere for- or accept that it's not canon's flavor and make a fanwork pivoting it in that direction. As-is, canon- and things seeking to emulate canon's take on these characters- can explore more the things rattling under the surface and problems that might need to be unraveled in years to come after the series ends, while still depicting that ultimately, these guys kept going.

It's a complex dance the human psyche plays with grueling, overwhelming contexts like war. And while it may be naive to suggest you can just step lively enough to come out fine- or that any of these characters ended the story the same way they started... I've never really felt that's what VLD was going for, narratively? Their conflict is not depicted as just a fun jaunt through space. It's hard on them. But they pull together, and they grow and change, and they come out mostly okay, because it is a largely optimistic work.

[random-french-girl]

Hi! I read your analysis on leatin dynamics and I realized I do not understand Fatin’s depth, like, what is she even afraid of? What does she want? It seems that out of the girls she is the one who has no apparent fears or desires beyond sexuality and fame. It’s the piece missing for me to fully ship leatin hardcore because it’s like… they are so different you know? I would love to read your comments

Hi Anon! Thanks for the question! I’m always happy to talk about Fatin Jadmani, my beloved child. Not sure if you’re asking about her characterization in the show, or how it specifically relates to my love of the leatin dynamic, so I’ll try to answer both AND keep in short.

So, Fatin. The traits that you point out - sexuality, fame, and, I would add, wealth and physical appearance - are all true and important to Fatin’s characterization. But, like everything else we learn of the girls in their introductions, they are pretty surface-level, they are not what really matters to them, what they’re struggling with - or at least, not only. Sex and wealth and looks definitely matter to Fatin, to a certain extent, but they aren’t problems to fix - there’s nothing to figure out about these desires, nothing the show tells us needs to be challenged (at least not yet). 

But I thought her episode made it clear what she’s struggling with: Fatin is a cello prodigy, and under a lot of parental pressure, even though she’s not even sure that’s who she wants to be. She uses partying and casual sex as a way to decompress, and doesn’t form deep connections, romantic or platonic. She’s also a teenage girl who learns some shocking truths about her father, reacts inappropriately, and ends up losing not only her close relationship to her dad, but her entire family. 

So what is that Fatin fears? Loneliness and betrayal. After her father betrays her trust, after her mom betrays her too by taking his side, I think she realizes how tremendously lonely she is, and was, but also how badly people you love can hurt you. And so, to protect herself, she puts up this facade of not caring. At first, on the island, Fatin is dismissive, distant, a tad selfish - she’s superficially friendly, but miss “I don’t get tight with girls” doesn’t want to bond, doesn’t want to help out and be a part of the group. Because it’s safer that way. Of course, at the end of season 1, Fatin cares about all the girls, and takes care of them, and trusts them.

What does she want? Control over her own life, and finding her purpose. Look, the wilds is a coming of age story. It’s about growing up and surviving a deserted island a mad scientist’s evil experiment the transition to adulthood. It’s also about teen girls specifically, and how our society treats them, what it expects of them, how it hurts them. Fatin, just like the other girls, is navigating the end of her teenage-hood, and figuring out who she is, and who she wants to be, and what she’s been told she should or shouldn’t, can or cannot, do. Will she go back to the cello? Will she be the person her parents want her to be, or someone completely different, or a bit of a mix? We shall see! She is just at the start of her journey.

So yes, Fatin and Leah are very different, you’re right. But they’re also two lonely teenage girls (in a group of eight lonely teenage girls) who are slowly finding community with each other and realizing what actual, genuine love is. And they both have a complex, contradictory relationship with childishness/adulthood: both rebel against being treated as children, craving control and agency, but they also both very recently lived through an experience that signaled the end of childhood in a pretty abrupt/traumatic way (Leah because of Jeff, Fatin when she lost the ideal image of her father) and they’re both still reeling from it, and missing the safety of childhood. “I want my mom,” Leah cries, in Fatin’s arms. And Fatin replies, also crying, “me too”. 

And I, who’s also crying at this point, find this dynamic and the parallel of their narratives very compelling.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Lovebug (7/12)

Summary:  

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Notes: Feedback is very much appreciated :D

They all called her Hange. But they said her name like it was a title, like it was something that had to be said with as little chance of a slip of a tongue as possible. It was a practiced phrase, a relished sensation.

That was the first thing that came to mind when Levi started to give a little more thought to his surroundings. There was a bigger picture that could have explained such reactions. Hange was walking next to him. More importantly, next to her was Zeke, the owner of the two hectare complex housing both a sixteen floor hospital, a medical arts building and two parking lots.

And that was just one of his hospitals. Levi liked to remind himself of that, as he followed behind, a little more perceptive than usual of the stares, the whispers and the returned smiles.

Zeke was charismatic. Hange was charismatic. When they walked straight ahead, their strides confident, Levi could only gape, slowly becoming more self conscious of his own inability to keep his back straight. Suddenly, he was aware of his own inability to greet every single one of the workers by name, greet every single stranger like he had known them his whole life.

Maybe Hange did know some of them. “Hey, Hange that one patient you just talked to, is he regular or something?” Levi asked.

Hange shrugged. “No, I just met him.”

Levi hadn’t been close enough to hear the conversation but the grins exchanged, the confident tone with which Hange navigated the conversation. They had all seemed just a little too natural at first glance. She didn’t seem at all exhausted by multiple interactions in a row.

Hange had stopped just a few inches in front of Levi before turning back at him. “You seem stressed,” she commented.

Zeke went ahead, still chatting with a balding man in a business suit. He gestured in the same manner, chattered with the same confident tone.

Yes, after staring for a little longer than what could have been comfortable. Levi had to admit to himself, he was a little more stressed than usual. “I’m fine,” he said, turning to Hange, forcing his gaze on her. Averting eyes would only make the process of being stressed, more stressful.

“It sucks Erwin couldn’t come,” Hange continued.

“Erwin doesn’t know much about how the application actually works so I’ll just document what’s needed in our proposal and we’ll just need his take on prices and on budget allocation and that’s enough,” Levi explained.

“Maybe, they’ll do it over another game of golf,” Hange mused. “If we do play golf again, would you join?”

Levi raised one eyebrow at her. “Why waste your time playing golf again?”

“To close important business deals.”

“You can do it in the office.”

Hange chuckled. “You’d be surprised how many businessmen have closed deals on the golf course. Investors don’t work eight to five jobs in the office you know. A lot of them like to play a good game of golf then go into the office and sign the actual paperwork there. It builds camaraderie.”

“Is that why you know how to play? For business purposes?”

Hange nodded. “I’ve learned golf, a few gambling games to mingle. Besides, people like to know how their business partners and their fellow investors think and what better way than watching them over a few games right?”

“I’m not a rich businessman, I wouldn’t know,” Levi muttered. He walked ahead of Hange and surveyed his surroundings. There were patients, nurses, doctors and visitors. They all had their own conversations Levi would most likely never figure out the meat of. His own disconnect from them, his much closer connection to Hange and by extension to Zeke, had made him aware of the fact that he was painfully poor.

There was a wry smile plastered on Hange's face, as if she was starting to sense the discomfort herself. “Yeah, to be honest, it is a rich man’s game. Most businessmen who play golf, have shares in private golf courses or memberships and it’s customary to invite fellow business partners for a game in your home country club.”

“How much are these shares?” Levi enunciated those words just a little slower. It was an unpleasant thing to ask that only served to aggravate his own self consciousness. Somehow, he was feeling a little masochistic at that moment.

Hange shrugged. “Depends on the club. Maybe a few tens of thousands of dollars a year, sometimes a hundred.” It turned out she hadn’t noticed his discomfort or maybe he was just too good at hiding it.

Levi still attempted a light response. “Figures why I never learned how to play then.”

“Yeah, well to be honest, although I have played as a kid, I only got to play a lot more when I got together with Zeke. His family owns shares in country clubs in a lot of countries.”

It was a question of transitivity, one Levi quickly answered. And the large numbers he was starting to lose control of in his mind, had manifested as a cough, an almost painful, raspy one.

“Are you okay?” Hange asked. It had only been a week since the drowning incident at the beach. It subsided quickly after and Levi surmised that it wasn't the fault of his own poor health. It had been his own inability to fathom numbers, to comprehend wealth and his own blatant poorness that had frozen time for him.

Hospitals. Real Estate. Resorts. Country Club Shares. Although it was only a small aspect of it, his mind was also back to tasting the free flowing tea in Zeke’s private airplane.

“I’m fine,” Levi said. I just tried to mentally calculate the amount of money your husband earns and spends on a yearly basis. A mental note he added just for himself.

Zeke would obviously have a lot of money. He would obviously be faced with the problem on how to spend the money. Those were facts Levi grappled with as he took a deep breath just to clear the remnants of burns in his throat.

And those facts only made it more difficult to move as Levi stumbled closer and closer upon a burning conclusion.

Zeke was filthy rich. Zeke was powerful.

Levi was a meagre employee who made a meagre annual salary which was probably less than their pocket money for one trip to Europe.

Zeke had proven to be abrasive, just a little bit of a bastard. He proved to be somewhat unpredictable.

Levi was under his mercy, under Zeke’s very flamboyant whims. He clambered for solace elsewhere, back to Hange who had caught up to him. Hands behind her back, she continued to walk through the hospital like she was strolling through a park.

She was a good reminder that he wasn’t alone. Hange would help him through whatever whims or threats that came with taking up the business venture of a billionaire as a typical employee. As he studied Hange’s distracted expression, Levi had to admit, he wasn’t so sure where Hange stood in that whole relationship.

Zeke loves Hange. Hange loves Zeke. But how much help would Hange be to him? Even if Hange was helpful, even if she was supportive. Until when? For how long?

He soon concluded, the only thing he could be certain of was uncertainty. What would determine the success of the application, could be Hange or it could be him. The only thing he could predict or he could control would be his own actions.

It wasn’t motivation that had him moving faster. It was discipline. “Where are we going?” Levi asked, his voice more mechanical than a second ago for sure.

“Zeke’s office is on the top floor,” Hange answered.

Levi feigned understanding. Hange had said it like she had answered the question moments back. Maybe she did and he was just a little too unhinged at that moment. Besides, they were taking too many pit stops towards the office, only prolonging the grueling journey.

Hange and Zeke were talking to everyone on the way up. After a while, Levi tuned them out, willing himself to focus on something a little less stressful like how much the finishings on the hospital could have been, how much the tiled floors below him could have cost to not gather dust from his shoes so easily.

And he thought again to every single person being paid by Zeke to even be there. Time went incredibly slowly but as soon as they arrived at the front of the room, Levi could have sworn time passed way too quickly.

“Managing a hospital costs a lot of money, Levi,” Zeke explained as he stood outside the door of what could have been his office.

“I’m perfectly aware of that,” Levi responded, mustering as much ‘professional’ as he could with that sentence.

“Well, you look a little astonished, surprised? Or maybe that’s just your natural face.” Zeke said it like it was a truth that could be easily brushed off.

Somehow, that pushed a few buttons for Levi. He clamped his mouth shut, scolding himself for not even noticing that for a good few minutes that it was wide open.

That was more bait for Zeke. “Difficult to fathom eh? Just imagine some of these machines cost more money than most people would ever see in your life.”

And Zeke had multiple hospitals, more hospitals than Levi could even count with both hands and both feet maybe, and that monkey was completely aware of how much he actually had. It was in his demeanor, his approach towards others.

The door opened with a loud click and a grating creak. “It’s been a while Mr. Jaeger, Hange,” the woman on the other side greeted.

Everyone called Hange, Hange. Levi noted once again. It only seemed natural that Hange would have preferred that anyway.

Zeke went ahead inside the office confidently like he owned the place---since he owned the place. Hange gestured for Levi to follow behind and Levi used that last few seconds to spare a glance at the small girl with black curly hair, sleepy eyes and a very mature looking face.

“You’re Levi right? Zeke and Hange told me a lot about your application and we’re very much looking forward to seeing it in action.”

Levi subtly patted the phone in his front pocket, not for anyone to see. It just served as some reassurance that he hadn’t completely forgotten it at home or it hadn’t fallen off. When he spent too much time calculating numbers, calculating assets he would never own, and maybe never even fathom, he was aware that he may have been distracted enough to forget why he was there in the first place.

“This here is Pieck,” Zeke waved his hand with great flourish. Really though, when Levi was completely aware that that man most likely owned half the country, any gesture he did could be described as something overly flamboyant.

Pieck nodded at Zeke then at Levi. “I handle the psych wards here. Hange’s been requesting permission to test here and Zeke, he’s been raving non stop about your application,” she said with wonder in her eyes.

Zeke? Talking wonders about my app? Levi attempted to sneak a glance at Zeke, withdrawing it at the last minute after noticing, Zeke was looking right at him.

“There’s a lot of potential for that application,” Zeke answered. He had shifted to a more professional demeanor.

Hange nodded. “I mentioned this over email but Levi and I have been doing a lot of testing on it. This type of technology can be used to improve the accuracy of diagnosis, the effectiveness of treatments in psych wards…”

“Yes, I read your email and Zeke and I have been discussing this already.”

Hange’s eyes widened. She turned to Zeke. “You have?”

“I’ve been working with the other doctors here on getting volunteers among the kids. We currently have an emotional management program for kids and this would be a great opportunity to see the application. We could set a date for testing the application…” Pieck looked down at her tablet, sliding her finger over it.

From Levi’s own position, he couldn’t clearly see what she was fiddling with, his own tech savvy instincts though were hinting to a calendar. He continued to watch her finger slide over it, sliding across weeks or months he supposed.

More than enough time to get an application ready for testing.

“What about sometime this week? Would Wednesday do?”

“Wednesday? To test the love alarm app?” I thought we’ll be doing it now. He turned to Hange who seemed visibly confused as well.

Hange furrowed her brows. “We could test the love alarm now,” she suggested.

“Oh yes, definitely. But what about the test build of the application we requested?” Pieck asked.

“You have a test build already right?” Zeke turned to Levi. “If I remember correctly, you mentioned working on something… Hange, you’ve been neck deep on that proposal right?”

Levi opened his mouth to speak. It’s not ready. That was a lie. There was no build but Levi couldn’t even allow himself a sliver of confusion in his expression. It was a professional meeting. He was supposed to have everything under control.

“I have been working on something…” Hange started.

But it’s far from ready. We barely have anything out.

Pieck seemed too expectant. She turned her ipad over to him, clear enough for him to see. “We’ve informed the doctors of some free time around this week. It would be best to have it before most of the younger kids go on summer vacation. The cycle of our emotion management program ends this week and the doctors are already very familiar with the kids---”

“When does the next cycle end? We could get something available by then,” Levi said.

“We won’t be holding them during the summer unfortunately. We’ll be using that time to process data and results… So would December do?” Pieck turned to Zeke.

“What do you think Hange? This is one project you want to do right?”

Try another hospital. Another group of kids. Another program. Levi’s mind was racing with too many alternatives.

“Yes, but I don’t think the test application will be ready by then,” Hange argued.

“Where are you two now in the process?” Zeke asked.

The planning stages. Levi couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

“We don’t have anything worth presenting yet,” Hange said.

“Well, we’re not asking for a perfect product.” Zeke wasn’t addressing it at Hange. HIs blue eyes were fixed on Levi. When Levi found himself unable to even force a hint of indignance out of his mouth, he started to realize, those weren't just eyes. They were millions of dollars worth of investments, billions of dollars worth of assets in one long stare.

Levi tensed up on his seat. They weren’t asking for a perfect product but with that much money on the line, he didn’t have much room for his own decisions.

“You could do something right? Take some code from the love alarm just to get something ready?” Zeke suggested. They were reasonable suggestions Levi could easily expound on himself.

“What do you have in mind?” Levi forced himself to meet the man’s eyes.

“You’re the developer. I’m merely an investor.” Merely. The word, the way Zeke had emphasized it with an almost mocking tone, implied the complete opposite. “Tell me Levi, If he put his mind into it, what do you think a developer can do?”

They didn’t test the love alarm that day. Levi left the hospital two hours earlier than planned and went directly to his office.

***

He couldn’t have gone there any slower. The train couldn’t have run any slower and of course, he probably wouldn’t have wasted so much time fiddling with the key over his door knob if his hand hadn’t been shaking.

It was as if the whole world was trying to slow him down. He had two days---less than 48 hours--- to get something for testing. With the amount of work needed, the mountains of code needed to be written, copied and pasted, tested, Levi wasn’t seeing it in days, he was seeing the countdown in his head. When he stared at a clock, he was seeing numbers moving backward, sweet sweet time, pulling away from him.

Time was a precious asset, a precious resource and somehow, such a prospect had Levi clumsier than usual. He fell into the chair on his desk with a thump. He had leaned far back enough for a split second, that he had almost expected his chair to topple backwards.

He didn’t have the time to recover from such a terrifying prospect. While his hands were still shaking, his breaths coming out ragged, Levi forced himself forward. He turned on the computer, allowing himself a brief respite while it booted up.

His work computer was still one of the fastest of his kind and had only allowed him less than a minute to catch a breath. He typed out his username, password. He opened up the server manager.

Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Levi said aloud. That was what Zeke had promised them. As quickly as he repeated those requests to himself, Zeke’s other words echoed in his head, an unwelcome visitor.

You can break down the love alarm into that right? We’re not asking for a perfect application.

He took a deep breath, letting it out as a hard firm huff more than an exhale. As if the force in his chest would be enough to wake him up. The work was overwhelming. He should  be calling someone else in to help out.

There were other factors pulling him back though.

For one, it was a Saturday. He saw himself working all the way until Monday. Just recalling Zeke's face, his question had Levi’s head spinning, his hands hovering much more quickly over the keyboard.

It was a challenge from Zeke to him. And he concluded for himself, he didn’t even wanna get Hange involved.

It would be nice to have her here---. Something inside him attempted to argue.

To cheer you on? It was a selfish proposition so Levi scolded himself and concluded that a good punishment would be to just focus.

He did first what he knew best. He copied the necessary code from both the frontend and backend. He worked efficiently. While importing data, he was copying and pasting code. While booting a phone up, he was opening necessary tabs on Github and Stack Overflow.

By the time the sun was completely down, by the time his eyes started to get just a little too crusty and a little heavy, he had a sorry excuse for an interface, a sorry excuse for an API on the server.

He looked at the clock at the lower right of his computer. Eleven in the evening. How long had he been staring at a screen? It was a waste of time to calculate that, so he quickly calculated something a little more pressing.

He had far less than forty eight hours until he needed to submit something.

He had finished a framework in only a few hours but he had more than enough experience developing the love alarm to know, the hard part wasn’t in the actual building. It was in the data loading, it was in the actual testing.

He didn’t allow himself to relax. Around three in the morning, after spending hours cleaning the interface, he fell back dead on the backrest of his seat and he allowed himself a few minutes to close his eyes.

Few minutes turned into hours in a split second. He had forgotten to set an alarm. “Fuck,” Levi hissed. That word hadn’t been enough though to carry the frustration that had bubbled inside him since hearing those words from yesterday afternoon.

What can a developer do if they put their mind into it?

Hange’s words were a savior in their own way. Levi, I’m in no hurry. Take as much time as you need. They were comforting but they didn't do much to stop Levi from sitting up and going back to work.

Had it been for Zeke? Or had it been for Hange? Or had it been his own pride that had him pushing himself to restart the boot up the idle computer.

Zeke was the important stakeholder. He held the funds. Hange was just a benefactor of the funds. Ultimately, Zeke made the final choice.

He took one deep breath, letting out a shout at the exhale. He pulled himself to a kneeling position and pressed the power button on the computer. Pulling himself up by the base of the chair, he walked sluggishly towards his white board and wrote out three words, right next to each other.

Happy. Sad. Angry.

He had no time to make an algorithm. But he could make estimates. He wrote out the basic model under each word.

“When numbers are above this line, the alarm rings,” Levi muttered to himself. When he was speaking out loud, he seemed to make some sense.

It wasn’t as easy as that though. A machine learning model after all relies on probability, it relies on prediction and the only way to get the machine to figure out probabilities was to give it data to mine from.

He turned back to the computer and typed a query. Exporting the data would take a while. Another opportunity to rest.

He used that moment to take a glance at his phone. A notification from Hange was at the top of his lock screen. He immediately unlocked his phone.

5:34 AM

Ping me if you need any help.

It was just 6:30. Hange sent the message an hour ago.

5:35 AM

Sorry for checking in late. Zeke took me out for dinner

Maybe Hange had sensed the slight irritation Levi would feel at seeing the first text sent more than twelve hours since they separated at the hospital.

5:35 AM

He wanted to spend the night with me.

5:35 AM

Just the two of us.

5:37 AM

No Phones

Out of spite or out of exhaustion, Levi kept his reply stone cold and professional.

6:36 AM

Complete the table below:

Happiness: Endorphins, Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin

Anger: Adrenaline, Cortisol

Sadness: ??????

Hange’s reply came before the data export even finished

6:50 AM

Sadness: Lack of neurotransmitters.

It was a shitty reply. So Levi gave a shitty reply in return.

6:50AM

?????

Lack of neurotransmitters? Somehow, Levi didn't trust Hange to reply on time. A quick google search later and a few hours of stress later, Levi had derived the sadness model form happiness model. The models were done, they just needed to be coded.

That did nothing to placate the turmoil inside him. For some odd reason, he thought looking at his phone could pacify him somehow.

8:28 AM

Sorry Levi, Zeke took us out golfing. I’ll try to be there before lunch.

8:37 AM

Zeke’s calling the shots today :’) I’ll still try to be there before lunch.

Levi kept his reply minimalistic.

10:36 AM

K

Technically, it was already ‘before lunch’ so Levi wasn’t expecting anything. They haven’t seen each other in a while. He whispered to himself, just to placate whatever irritation had settled within him, manifesting as an almost permanent grimace as he started to code again.

Lunch came and went quickly with a half finished burger and fries and just a passing thought that Zeke and Hange were probably having a feast at whatever country club they were in.

“Be here before lunch my ass.” Levi said those last two words with bitter burning venom, loud enough to echo in his small office space. It would be nice if somehow she could hear it wherever she was. “My. fucking. Ass. ” He repeated, channelling all the irritation, the exhaustion, the impatience into three words. In another space, maybe she could have heard it. “Fuck me in the ass.” He let out another taut swear, enjoying how that at least sent a splits econd long wave of euphoria through him.

Maybe it could count as therapy if he typed out the words ‘my fucking ass’ or ‘fuck me in the ass’ to Hange’s message box. He didn’t have to send it though.

2:37 PM

Zeke wanted to go shopping. I swear I tried to leave.

Fuck me in the ass. Levi typed. Under it, he typed something else.

Lunch time. My. Fucking. Ass.

It would have been nice to send out. For at least a few second, it sounded like a good idea to send it. Levi had enough self control though and he had enough forward thinking skills not to send it. The profanities on the message box were enough to at least calm him down.

No, you haven’t seen your hubby in a while. Take your time :-)

Was the sarcasm apparent? He focused for a little longer on the smiley face at the end.

4:35 PM

No, you haven’t seen your hubby in a while. Take your time :-) :-) ;-)

Then he added two more just for authenticity's sake. And he went back to coding, assuring himself that the burger and the regular fries would be enough to last him until he finished the damn application.

7:30 PM

Levi! You want anything for dinner?

Levi saw that message in between reviewing a hundred compiler warnings all on the same line of code. He ignored it. Instead, he decided sending himself a pull request and reviewing the code himself as a mental exercise was a better use of his time.

8:47 PM

Hey, I might be a little late. We went out to dinner but I bought you take out. :D How are things going?

Despite the compiler warnings, the code managed to compile, so Levi allowed himself the luxury of a quick break.

10:10 PM

Fine.

After replying, Levi sat up from his seat, shifted his weight to his legs one by one. The window was a good few feet away but he saw that as a good chance for exercise. He opened the window, allowing the fresh air in, first as a weak wave only thin enough to fit through the peek. He opened it a little wider, popping his head through the gap, noting how the streets were completely empty. He stared back at the clock on his computer screen.

Ten on a Sunday evening. Typical.

He sat back on the chair, with a loud and firm plop, freezing for as long as it took for the chair to stop shaking. He leaned back and pulled the test device from his drawer. A part of him was tempted to close all the Stack Overflow and GitHub tabs.

He wasn't ready to call it a day though. He didn’t trust his ability to code anything accurately with that short of a time frame.

A few minutes later, the APK file was loaded. He booted up the application, stifling a cringe at the shitty interface.

The shitty title screen with the shitty plain white background flashed on the screen.

ALAR

M

He wasn’t particularly good at front end and UI engineering so he closed his eyes and begrudgingly whispered to himself Zeke's words. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Really though, it would have been nice to submit a perfect test application. Just to show up Zeke. Just to impress Hange. It would have been great and Levi allowed himself a grin as he leaned back on the chair and stared at the ceiling.

A good few hours later, he started to test. Soon after, he started to theorize something else. Maybe he jinxed it. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so hopeful.

Suddenly, he was scolding himself for just being a little too ungrateful at the shitty user interface. His mind continued to wander, his threads of imagination continued to wind, interweaving against one another, tightening to uncomfortable knots in his brain. And suddenly he was scolding himself over the hundreds of compiler warnings he ignored.

The application should alarm when someone angry, sad or happy holds it. That was how he programmed it.

Or at least, that was how it was supposed to work. When his brain was muddled with confusion and eventual frustration, heavy with tension, he took a quick break to stare at his phone.

11:58 PM

Zeke got a little drunk. I just have to bring him home.

Levi decided then, (and he was certain of it), he’d rather not have Hange there.

11:59 PM

No need to come here. Go take care of him.

His phone volume had been set to the lowest level. Just in case, Levi put his phone on silent as well.

He turned his attention back to the test device. “Come on, fucking hell. Work.” Levi hissed as if the code, the computer understood anger, as if it understood frustration.

“It’s the exact same fucking code. I just changed the algorithm,” Levi said louder, as if the code understood verbal arguments.

All to no effect. So he went back to the compiler warnings.

1:38 AM

Just tucked Zeke in bed. I’m taking a cab now. I swear, I’m really on the way now.

Levi had conveniently checked his phone around the time Hange texted. He had been checking the phone anyway in ten minute intervals.

1:39 AM

No need.

He started to use his own phone for testing, just in case a diffeent device suddenly made everything work. Besides, he liked to see the notifications there. He liked her messages. Yet at the same time, he didn’t want her there. Frustrated and confused, he slid his phone towards the end of the desk and it hit the wall with a resounding clatter, loud enough to make Levi wince.

He slipped out of the chair and onto the floor with a crash, loud enough to rival the impact of the phone on the wall just a second ago. His back was sore, but still he couldn’t help but entertain the thought that he would have been willing to experience that again, just to get the application to work.

You’re angry now right? He asked himself, as he held the test device in front of him.

The alarm didn’t ring.

You’re sad? Right? He was sad. He was sure his eyes were red rimmed from lack of sleep. His eyelids were a little crusty for sure. And as the application stayed silent, stayed inactive even when it was right in front of him, even when he had dropped almost painfully on his face, the phone remained silent, still.

Maybe his application was an idiot. Maybe it fell for fake smiles. So he forced a smile then, as he pressed his back on the ground, stretched his legs forward and stared at the ceiling above him.

Silence.

He broke the silence himself, with one grunt as he slammed the phone on the floor next to him. “Fucking hell.”

The one curse had him reflecting. How angry was he? Who was he angry at? And why wasn’t the alarm going off?

Anger was a negative feedback loop. The more he let his anger take over, the more frustrated he became. Then the more the device should have rang but it didn’t. Then the more frustrated he became.

The frustration should have been enough to make it ring. If it had been working correctly.

Eventually, the anger became strong enough to take control elsewhere. It pushed him to turn towards the desk, push himself up, just high enough to be able to stretch his hand up and pull his own personal phone back down with him on the floor. He lay back down on the floor, raised his phone on front of him and booted it up. He turned on the application and looked through it again.

No response.

Happy. Sad. Angry.

No response for any of them.

A banner appeared, falling over the application.

1:59 AM

Levi, I’m here, where do I go?

No need. He willed himself to type it again. He didn’t want her there, but he did. Conflicted feelings had him frozen on the floor, the phone just above him, his eyes fixed on the screen.

If Hange came, then she came. Who was he to stop her?

2:00 AM

Do I go to your office??

2:05 AM

If you don’t answer, I’ll just assume you’re in the office.

2:07 AM

Even if I waste my time, It’s my fault anyway.

2:07 AM.

I’m sorry.

Hange wasn’t in any obligation to be there anyway. She was an investor, not an employee, he reminded himself. He was watching the banners shift like he was watching paint dry. The former though was far more interesting. More than interesting. It was a relief. It was a consolation.

It was home. In the dim room, all alone, he wanted her there. By god, he wanted her there.

There were footsteps and they quickly got louder, the sound of a bag hitting the door, then the sound of the rustle of belongings.

He had left the office door unlocked at least and she was impolite enough to barge in. He liked her impoliteness, it had just made everything flow much better.

He followed her with his eyes, as she slipped through the crack of the door. He watched closely as her face shifted from that of pure surprise, worry… Then pity.

Was that pity? Did he look that pathetic?

“Hey, are you okay?” Hange asked.

“Tired,” Levi answered. He gave her a once over, allowing himself a sliver of a smile at her cocktail dress, the jacket over her, the light make up on her face, the golden studs on her ears. God she was beautiful. “Fun night?”

She nodded. “Zeke wanted to have fun tonight. I humored him by tagging along,” she said lightly.

He’s a lucky man. “Must have been fun.”

She put a hand to his face, and gave him a light slap. “I brought takeout, some sandwiches. Did you have dinner already? We can have it for breakfast.”

She had slapped him hard, not hard enough to leave him burning definitely, but still, he felt some heat resonate from his cheeks. “I tried,” he muttered.

“Tried what?” Hange asked.

“Building the app.”

“Levi, don’t kill yourself over it. You could have asked Petra, Gunther, Eld or Oluo for help right?” It was just like Hange to mention their names like she knew them her whole life.

“They’re on leave.” It was a natural excuse and that had been one reason why he refused to ask for help. He surmised that maybe some of it had been more than that.

“I tried to ask for an extension from Zeke,” she said.

“How did that work out?” It was a half assed response at best. He didn’t want the extension.

“He said no. He expected a lot from you. Besides, he promised the hospital already… Without consulting us.”

"Without consulting us?" Levi repeated. He slammed his fist down on the floor. "Fucking hell."

"Yeah, it's our fault. Zeke did that. I should have helped you and I know I made you wait…" Hange's voice was warm, it was a melody to his hears. ".. .so when I was stuck with Zeke, I made a few calls, picked this up from a good friend of mine." She pressed something cold into his palms.

He didn't even have the energy to crane his neck.

"It's a USB, with data from previously made research, on neurotransmitters, responses from people who've taken tests. I thought it would help build the app so I made a few calls and --"

"I'm done."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm tired."

"Hey, we could cancel tomorrow. I'll just tell Pieck. We can rebuild the app, focus on getting something out."

"Hange, I'm done."

"You're giving up?" There was a crack in her voice, something that sent a twinge to him

He let out a soft chuckle. "No. I managed to make something.”

Hange's eyes widened, a smile curled up her lips. “You’re kidding.”

“But it barely even works."

"What makes you say that?"

"It doesn't ring."

No matter how angry, no matter how sad, no matter how happy, it didn't ring. The algorithm was broken. That had been Levi's conclusion. The same conclusion he had come across when they had tested the love alarm again a few days back.There were just too many compiler warnings maybe?

Hange wasn't a developer and maybe that's why she had been a little hopeful. "I'll test it out, send me the file?"

One APK file later, a few clicks on the phone, and the alarm rang in the dim narrow room.

It made his head pound, but still, it was music to his ears. He had been too tired to even let out a strong exhale, a sigh of relief. "Are you happy? Sad? Angry?" He whispered.

"It says here, I’m happy," Hange answered.

"At least we know it works," Levi said.

"Why don't we try yours again?" Hänge pulled his hand up, guiding the phone back in between his finger tips.

"It didn't work the first time," Levi argued.

"Again." Hange was insistent and at that moment, she was much stronger than he was.

He unlocked his phone, and opened the application.

"Turn on the alarm," Hänge said.

He didn't need guidance, he made the application after all. Her voice had been coaxing, she had made everything go smoother in her own way.

He dropped the phone on his chest, stared up at the ceiling, frozen as the phone vibrated in his chest. "What does it say?"

Hange let out a short laugh. "This application can read multiple feelings at the same time? Is this expected behavior?"

"Why?"

“It says you're angry."

"I'm tired. Of course I'm angry."

"And sad," Hange added.

" Oh really?" Something started to sting at his eyes.

"And guess what, it also says you're happy."

"Am I?" Levi asked. All he could feel then was relief, relief that in the end it had alarmed. "I guess that means we're at least kinda ready for tomorrow…" He could have said more, if his voice didn't crack.

"Hey, rest. It doesn't look like you slept well."

"I slept a bit last night."

"People need at least six hours of sleep at night… and really, Levi you don't look so good."

He didn't need to see it to understand. His eyes were heavy, his rims were prickling at one another and one cheek was wet, and it brought the 'wet' all the way down to his chin, in one straight trail. A few more soon followed.

Sad. Angry. Happy. But he liked to think he was just exhausted. That feeling loomed far above the others anyway.

It rang for no reason then. He concluded. Maybe it was a bug. After all, how did something just start magically working after not working for hours before that?

Hange spoke up again in the slience. "Hey, are you crying?"

He only noticed it when she asked. His mind was quick to explain it. "Sometimes, people tear up when they're sleepy right?"

***

Hange was there when he woke up and he was glad to see her. Her eager presence was a reminder enough that she didn’t have to be there.

“Happy Monday!” Hange chirped joyfully, as if that had been the best thing to say while Levi was still getting used to his surroundings.

He never completely got used to it. The back of his head was throbbing from having fallen asleep on the hard wooden floor. The front of his head pounded. He couldn’t even lift his head without feeling some protest from his back. A light prickling sensation had settled on his fingers, all extending from an ache in his wrist. “Happy Monday,” Levi muttered. Was she mocking him?

“Sorry, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to move you,” Hange said wryly.

Not moving him might have been the better option. He barely got any sleep at night. In the small office, if it were between falling asleep sitting down on a comfortable chair, falling asleep on a floor, the floor won by a little more.

The phone sat on his hand, cold and hard. Levi pulled it up to his face to check the time.

6:30 AM. Work starts at eight. Fuck. He forgot to deploy application changes the night before.

“You should take a leave.” Hange could have been reading his mind or the stress could have just been apparent in his heavy eyelids and his voice, a hoarse whisper.

“What makes you say that?” Levi asked. He had hoped to use that moment to prove how okay he was. Sitting up was enough to leave him wincing, dealing with his exhausted body that had protested such a simple movement.

“You don’t wanna take one?”

“I forgot to deploy the changes. We’re supposed to do a sanity check today,” Levi said.

“Do it over breakfast?” Hange suggested, pressing a brown paper bag on his hand. "I brought sandwiches from last night."

“You know you can go home now. We can meet later at the hospital.”

“I wanna have breakfast,” Hange said, her voice firmer than a second ago.

“Go have breakfast with Zeke.”

Hange’s face was like that of a wounded puppy. It came quickly as a flash before shifting to something a little more sly. “I’ll take you out to tea? You never had your tea time at the country club.”

It could have been tea or maybe it was the efforts Hange had taken to insist. Sometimes, insisting was more than enough. Particularly then, when he was overwhelmingly and unbearably tired.

“What do you have in mind?” Levi asked.

“We can see what’s open,” Hange answered.

He let out a sigh, as if deciding to take a break was the hardest thing he could have done. All for the sake of one Hange Zoe. On the contrary, it was a surprisingly easy decision to make.

Levi opened up the messaging application on the phone, running his mind through quick calculations. Three hours. Just enough time for quick tea, enough time to get home and shower and get back to the office by ten.

Running late. Deploy fixes to production. We sanity check when I get to the office at around ten.

He sent over that message to the group chat of his own team, making sure to tag Eld and Petra.

He felt a little guilty but something else won over. A weak suggestion, heavily supported by his sore back, his swollen eyes and his trembling hands. Maybe he deserved a break.

***

They moved the goalposts. Levi was in no shape to brave the public transportation crowds on a Monday morning with a total of less than six hours of sleep the past few hours while his mind was complete mush at having coded an entire application himself.

Hange had alternatives. “I could have called a car to pick us up.”

Alternatives Levi wasn’t completely in good terms with. “No thank you, I’d rather not impose on your dear husband.” On top of that, he wanted his tea now.

The only shop which sold tea the least painful walking distance away was the convenience store just outside the building grounds. The convenience store had enough variety that he could be at least a little creative with his breakfast.

Paper tea cup in hand, Levi popped open the cup, He had asked for an extra large cup for one reason.

The green tea bubbled inside the container and Levi was a little adventurous that morning and maybe a little crazy. The past two days were crazy. He reminded himself, obliterating the guilt and the fear of risking his own health and sanity.

He poured ten shots of espresso onto the cup of green tea. He couldn’t be too sure how it would taste. Then he remembered, no one actually drank caffeine for the taste anyway. He drank half of it in a gulp. It could have been the bitterness that burned, or the actual heat of boiling water. When he was still making a conscious effort just to be aware of the streets in front of him, just to stay sitting up on the pavement, he couldn’t be too sure.

He took a big bite of his sandwich to drown it out. Then another. Then two more before crumpling the brown paper bag and pocketing it.

Hange humored him, sitting down next to him on the pavement just in front of the convenience store. She was still in her cocktail dress, a jacket over it. The corners of her eyes were still a little darker from the make up from last night. She looked ridiculous, like an overgrown teenager out on a wild night and had failed to get home on time.

His mind was running on too many scenarios, a total waste of brain power. The espresso would kick in eventually. And maybe it had been the espresso that had him suddenly laughing like an idiot.

Or maybe he was going crazy.

“Are you okay?”

He probably was going crazy. At that point, Levi was already skimming the stages of acceptance. “Where the fuck did you even go last night?”

Hange sighed. “Drinking, a little gambling. Zeke wanted to celebrate the new deal. ”

“And that’s why you played golf that morning. ”

Hange hummed in response. “Zeke and Erwin played. I probably would have invited you but yeah, with the application… Would you have had time?”

Somehow, Levi was slightly offended that they hadn’t even invited him. He blamed the caffeine. “Really? Well, fuck it. I don’t even play golf.” The caffeine continued to bubble, the irritation followed suit. “I’m sure they had a good sleep the past few nights,” he added.

“Well, they can’t do what you did.”

“Who cares? I’m at the mercy of money--- Zeke’s money. Rich people like to throw around orders then money,  as if money’s just magic. As if developers --- employees are just bunnies or trick monkeys.”

Hange put up her hands in surrender. "You have every right to shit on rich people."

Levi dropped his shoulders and leaned back on the wall. “What can I do when millions of dollars are on the line?”

“You could have said---”

“Said no? And what? Risk losing this deal?” Risk losing you?

“I told you before, this is my pet project. This is my timeline. I can decide how long it takes. Zeke just wants---”

"Wants what?" Levi challenged.

It was a challenge for Hange but it looked like the world was on a mission to accept it. "Hange, what are you doing here?"

It took Levi a few seconds longer to put two and two together. After all, imagining that big ham of a voice within proximity of a place that sold teabags by the dollar was preposterous even for him.

"Zeke, what are you doing here?" Hange asked.

"Just need to drop a few legal documents at Erwin’s office. I saw you two on the way here, in a convenience store parking lot of all things?" His voice was judgemental, as expected. Still it was softer than that of two days ago.

It was easy for Levi to surmise that the blonde was most likely nursing a hangover. He relished the view of Zeke struggling to approach them. Misery loved company after all. Zeke’s gait was a little slower and if Levi squinted, he was sure the ungraceful wobble would have been more laughably noticeable.

“Right, you had the lawyer look over it already?”

Zeke nodded. “I’ve set up a post dated check.” He turned to Levi. “You’ve finished developing a build for testing?”

Levi managed a nod, closing his eyes as he did, to alleviate the pounding. And of course the irritation.

Zeke had been professional about the question. Levi couldn’t help but sense entitlement in it. When he was in a bad mood, any request reeked of entitlement. He spent a good few seconds after, reminding himself, Zeke was paying millions for it, and deserved every right to ask questions and expect.

“Zeke…” Hange sounded, almost breathless. “This is more money than I expected.”

How much money? Levi didn’t wanna know but from the tremble in her hands, her wide eyes, Levi didn’t think he even wanted to know.

“Think of it… as compensation for forcing you to delay your PhD,” Zeke said. “That was your plan before we got married right?”

PhD?  Now that he did think about it, Hange mentioned something about delaying a PhD, all to marry Zeke.

“Yeah, if this study… this testing goes well, I could publish it for my doctorate degree,” Hange said, a ghost of a smile on her lips. A ghost of a smile for just a second. It soon got wider.

Levi only noticed a second later, his mouth had gone the opposite direction as realization dawned on him.

Right, Hange wanted to do research.

Right, Hange wanted a PhD.

And Zeke was the one who had put everything together for him at that moment. “This is your dream right?” He pressed the cheque deeper into her palms.

Hange nodded. Was that the first time he had ever seen her struggle to find the right words?

The hints were all there. The pet project. The doctorate. Hange Zoe who was just a little too interested in neuropsychology.

Why didn’t you tell me this was your dream? This was your PhD? It seemed most criminal that he couldn't even put two and two together. Levi would have wanted to scream back then. He wasn’t in any position to break anyone’s good mood though. Hange’s smile was too wide, her eyes too bright.

“I have a meeting at nine. Breakfast?” Zeke asked.

“I had something to eat already,” Hange said. “But we could get a quick brunch.”

Zeke turned back to Levi. “You’re free to join us.”

“No, I have work at ten,” Levi said. “I’ll see you two later, in the hospital.”

“I’ll see you later.” Hange gave Levi a softer smile, one just for him. He couldn’t read too much into it then. Still, he continued to stare, as she turned back and got into the car.

Zeke stayed outside for a second, leaning on the door. His eyes fixed on Levi’s.

Tired eyes on tired eyes. Levi though wasn’t sleepy enough to hear those last few words.

“Levi, thank you,” Zeke said.

Levi was taken aback for just a second at such a seemingly uncharacteristic expression. Fortunately, pleasantries were basic and automatic if he just put on the right facade. “You’re welcome.”

He watched Zeke get into the car and he stood still for a second longer, watching the car get smaller before it turned the corner of the parking of their building. He started to reflect while recalling the interactions until then. He should have been somewhat grateful for the pleasantries exchanged. After all, the man was worth billions and there weren’t many who did receive the honor of being personally thanked by billionaires.

Somehow, that exchange had only made him sadder. Hange being there next to him suddenly going absent had only made him lonelier. He gulped the rest of the concoction of a while ago, coughing out the bitterness, shaking his head to feel that last buzz.

He checked his phone. 8am. He needed a shower before work but his legs were deadweight.

So he called a taxi, not bothering to calculate the cost. After all, he did deserve a break.

[gossiprry-backup]

anons, please teach us more on tarot/astrology <3//

Oh mod you’re opening a can of worms!!! Astrology is so complex. Everyone should start with knowing all your planet placements. You need your birth time, date and place. I use Astro.com. Basically your sun sign which is what most people know is just the surface and it’s the side you show externally most. You have your moon which is your more private/emotional self. Venus placement deals with how you are in love. Mars is aggression passion and what motivates you. Jupiter has to deal with areas of natural gifts and luck. Mercury is about mental capacity and communication. Neptune is about spirituality and dreams/delusions. Uranus is about unexpected changes. Pluto is the planet of transformation/deep change. Rising sign is how people think you are on first impression or how people perceive you (in esoteric or soul based astrology your rising sign is your souls path) then you have your MC which deals with career and the opposite is IC which is about home life. You also have your nodes. South node shows energy from past lives and what you bring to this life and North Node shows where you are trying to go in this life. Each house has energy of the corresponding sign and each have their own purpose (so first house is Aries and has some of that energy and deals with the self). There are three types of astrology— esoteric, western and Vedic and they all have differences. Then you have synastry which is when you compare two natal charts to see how the two individuals energy interacts. You also have a composite charr which is the energy of the relationship. This is a brief over view but there’s so much.

I also encourage people looking to understand themselves more to look into MBTI, human design, and Enneagram. All of these are tools to understand your energy and what is going on within you. Once you know what is yours it’s easier to see what isn’t yours. After you learn you start getting a hang of understanding the energy at play. It’s very helpful.

This is basic overview. There’s transits, progressed charts, also a chart ruler which is what energy is most present based on connections between planets and where you have a lot of planets. I love astrology and highly recommend everyone look into.

this is so confusing but cool. aries is the best.

[mc-critical]

I love to boring you but what do you think of Murad IV in MC:Kosem ? I really like him but he seriously need of a therapy with a psy *a great one !* and i don't think he treated Ayse (or Farya !) correctly ! He is trash (more trash than any others characters i think) but i also like her complexity. How do you find him ? Do you think he deserve more recognization like Selim or not at all ?

I don't like him one bit as a person. He's problematic, hypocritical and abusive and his actions go beyond every sort of justification, no matter how much he tries to justify them himself. However, he is interesting and complex as a character and you can still see where he comes from and how do his beliefs unfold. He clearly has a detailed arc; and that arc causes him to be way more paranoid, way more selfish, way more overindulgent, which was to his detriment.

Let's face it: the show portrayed him as a very bad ruler (I spoke about why here) and from what I've read, historically, he isn't any better, either. I don't know what does he deserve to be recognized for, aside from the conquering of Baghdad, which did nothing to absolve his crimes in the show, aside from how well-written he is. Any possible redeeming quality of his is destroyed by all his problematic actions piling in and all we've left is a nuanced exploration of his problematic traits. With MC Selim we have a much more understandable circumstance, the child neglect which explained his drinking and lay low tendencies and why it looked like he didn't care for what the other brothers did. Thing is, Selim arguably wasn't all that problematic at first (the provocations between him and Bayezid were more mutual than anything else) and what really pushed him to "villainy" was the death of Mustafa and Cihangir, the complete destruction of the concept of brotherly love in his head. His redeeming qualities were as balanced as his "villainy" and you see within how human he is and how everyone around him who wasn't Nurbanu did somewhat screw him over from the start. The nuance is on his entire persona, not on his problematic deeds. I do believe that MC Selim's writing should be way more respected, because of all the nuance. I don't think he's fit for a padişah in the show, but he isn't some cardboard cutout who only drinks and schemes. He has actual issues, desires, sensitivity, vulnerability and compassion. Murat is a different kind of a character. He's both a bad ruler and a horrible person, he doesn't really have a transitional point to begin his problematic deeds, since he's like this in the beggining. He has his reasons in his backstory, but they recontextualize his paranoia, not what comes out of this paranoia. His transitional point was more him getting even surer of his beliefs than beggining a path of ruthlessness. Worse, it strips him from any possible scruple he had deep inside and what we would see from this point on is his further moral descent and nothing else. He has two areas of justification: a fragment of his past and the "Shadow of God" mentality that only ring more shallow the further we go. (it's fascinating writing-wise, but that's about it.) With Selim at least we have his motives becoming stronger the more we go and watch him succeed. They're different thematic explorations altogether and one of them isn't much on the sympathetic or deserving of recognition spectrum by design.

What I like the most about Murat's writing is that no matter how strong and dangerous it is, his paranoia comes from a real place. While with Süleiman we only had hints of said paranoia in a few flashbacks, with Murat we had an actually devastating, shown on-screen event that had the harder job of making such sudden by the show change more believable. Murat, for whatever he is, is shown a tiny bit of understanding by the script when there actually are people actively working behind his back. Süleiman assumes he's been betrayed, but since the events that open his paranoia are mostly events molded or completely taken out of context and no one actively works behind his back until much after said paranoia was allowed to occur (even Mustafa's organization worked primarily against Hürrem, not SS, one attempt to kill SS aside, which the object of his paranoia saved him from!!!!) - we, as audience, have no reason to buy it whatsoever, which brought the understanding for SS soo down for me. But Murat's paranoia made him go way out of proportion to the point he went even further than SS by willing to end the whole state so he could be there and rule. And just like SS, his paranoia quickly became all selfish in nature to the point of alienating everyone around him who wants to give him decent advice and thinking himself as right all the time. He wanted to be a lone wolf, driven by toxic masculinity from the start. And him feeling overshadowed by Kösem... no matter how understandable it has the chance to be because of the time period, made him blind and instead of gaining experience in order to rule unscathed and firm, he decided to fixate himself on the past and on his role and possible deep-seated resentment of his mother, he made all the wrong decisions in every aspect of his life.

His anger issues are especially illuminating, since he tends to lash out on the slightest thing gone wrong, to the point of exercising physical violence. His anger probably stemmed from how he could only watch during Osman's death and the subconscious blaming of Kösem because of it, along with Musa's death and them not giving him time to shine, something he thought belonged to him and was his right, but by ruminating on all this, he, once again, focuses on his own feelings and own world, he, once again, reaches devastating extremes. Anyone who ever tries to defy him suffers from this. Anyone who tries to defy him is evaluated by how much he's fitting for his mold, for his world, something far beyond a wish for loyalty.

He didn't love any of his women, IMO. His physical violence and abuse was highlighted by his dynamics with them the most and he always decided on the harshest punishments when it came to them. One might argue that his relationship with Farya played its part in somewhat humanizing Murat and disguising this overally questionable at its impossibly best love story for ratings and stuff, but the more we went, the more abusive it got and Farya could never get over his unpredictable and turbulent nature that strived to strictly control every single thing that was close to him to toxic levels. I won't even begin with how he treated Ayşe, because that was such a trainwreck and she deserved much better than to constantly fear for her life, because this guy could go immediately crazy and kill her and her kids. With Sanavber it was only slight infatuation and that's all for me, because in that point, I doubt this guy was capable of love. One Murat went and there came the other before Sanavber arrived and Murat was on the path to become his cruelest self.

All in all, I don't mind anyone going out there and trying to explore him ( in fact, I would actually love such discussions!), but he's hot trash, he should die in fire along with Süleiman and I'm struggling everyday to declare which one is worse in my book, because they suck the same for me, but in different ways. I appreciate their narrative roles, but otherwise... screw them both.