#You can see how it just transitions from a very complex and deep relationship to as simple as her heart will remember

[10underoot2]

I ended up on YouTube and came across this video. I cannot express the impact watching their story in a linear pasaage of time has. Kudos to the editor!

I could do a whole analysis on why their relationship is extremely profound and why we've all grown to love them so much.

They truly moved from unfathomable, new, young, fresh love to 'I forgot how to love you' (Hyunwoo) and 'I love you why don't you feel it anymore' (Haein).

The initial part of their relationship and their journey getting to 'You're my home' is extremely complex, multi layered, painful and so beautiful.

At one point one of them promised to be by each other's side in debt or something more while the other promised not to make them cry. At that point, they completely believed one another.

At one point, one of them said hurtful words and the other forgot to try again. At that point, both of them forgot to open their doors.

At one point, Haein who knows Hyunwoo loves her deeply thought him suspicious of joy upon hearing of her death. At that moment, Hyunwoo was guilty.

At another point, Hyunwoo deeply loved her but couldn't undo the mistakes of his past. At that moment, Haein judged him for his mistake. She forgot to give him the benefit of the doubt. She mistook his love for perjury.

At one point, both of them loved each other but could not openly express it to the other. At this point, both of them were hurting immensely.

At one point, they were both able to overcome it and tell the other how much they mean to them. At this point though, they were faced with imminent death.

At one point, Haein wanted to live, but provided with the option to live with a necessary evil of forgetting Hyunwoo she chose to die. At this point, Hyunwoo wanted nothing more than to convince her of their love fully realizing that this was her ultimate act of love.

I could go on. I'm not even bringing in their convictions and belief in each other. This is complex as it is. I cried watching how beautiful this is. It reminded me why I had fallen in love with these two. You can see where the story goes flat. It's when it becomes as simple as I remember it in my heart despite forgetting.

It undoes the complexity of their relationship and emotions and that makes me sad. So I'm gonna focus on this absolute gem of an edit that reminded me why I was rooting for these idiots all along. ❤️

[logan-but-not]

I've been replaying Deltarune recently and interacting with the fandom a lot more. And I've become quite fond of Krisuselle (a polyamorous ship including Kris, Susie, and Noelle). To the point where I think it might be one of my favorite ships of all time. And since I've apparently got nothing better to do. I figured, i'd write a post detailing what about it I and others find so appealing about it. Let's get started:

Right off the bat, one of the things that makes deltarune more appealing in a shipping sense to me is the cast. Nothing against Undertale, of course, it's got one of my favorite groups of characters in anything ever. Everyone is so charming, they're far more complex than at first glance, and they all have well written character arcs. Same goes for Deltarune. But the major thing that differentiates the two is that Deltarune is mostly compromised of kids. Teens yes, but still kids. Kids who aren't really sure who they are yet. Compared to Undertale, where pretty much everyone had at least a bit of understanding of their life, the cast of Deltarune is far more nebulous. They're emotional, immature, dependent, and act like how any other kid would. And then all of a sudden, they're thrusted into this huge adventure where they have to decide the fate of their world. It's a massive responsibility that flips their entire world view. But through that journey, they learn to mature, reconnect, and accept their roles or even defy them. And as someone who is still going through the transition from teenager to adult, I identify with these characters. The self-discovery of who you want to be and what you want to do is something that I, and a lot of others have gone through. And one of the aspects of that journey is love.

Which is why Kris, Susie, and Noelle appeal to me so much. With only two chapters worth of narrative, we've already seen so much of how their lives has been thrown into turmoil. Noelle lost her sister, Susie is implied to have a rough homelife, and Kris has lost literally lost their own will. And yet, despite that, they each have a deep affection for the others. And they come to discover that as they traverse the Dark World. And each of their individual relationships is so unqiue. To the point where I could write whole sections on them. Which I will now do.

Kris and Susie get off to rocky start. They're both put together not of their own volition to do something they never signed up for, figuertaively and literally. And at first, they're pretty antagonistic to each other, almost like rivals, and understandably so. They're both seen as the weird kid, freaks. They've been ostracized from the rest of the world for as long as they can remember.

But as they venture through the Dark World, the both of start to ease up. They learn more about each other and begin to finally start trusting one another. And as they do, they start to grow into the heroes the prophecy foretold them to be. And they both play off the other's strengths to make them into better characters.

Kris inspires Susie to finally let down her emotional walls and allow herself to trust, and use her fighting spirit in a constructive way rather than just break everything she sees.

Likewise, Susie helps Kris to learn how to be a leader, and she is the first legitimate social bond Kris has made since Asriel left. They both make each other better, stronger.

And that's another interesting thing about their relationship. They're not archetypal heroes. When they're thrust into this huge conflict where the two of them are supposed to be the heroes, they reject it. It's most notable with Susie, but Kris does too in subtler ways. And even when they do accept their roles, there's always this sense of rebellion in them. They will be the heroes of this story, but they refuse to let anyone write this story but themselves. Renegades.

Susie and Noelle, on the other hand, have a very different relationship. One that had hints as early as Chapter 1 but really started in 2. At first glance, it just seems like the whole lovesick girl and oblivious crush stereotype (but gay so it's infinitely better). But like almost everything from Toby Fox, appearances may be deceiving. What makes their relationship so fascinating is why Susie and Noelle have affection for each other.

For Noelle, she's drawn to Susie because of her free spirited and rebellious nature. She's not afraid to break the rules or take a stand for what she thinks is right. It's such a contrast from Noelle where she's expected to be this perfect girl who does as she's told, is the top of her class, and knows how to take care of herself on her own. And we can see that she clearly can't always handle it, especially considering her past. In a frightening world where Noelle has lost the biggest crutch of her life, Dess, Susie represents everything that Noelle thinks she needs. Someone to help save this poor Lost Girl.

Susie, meanwhile, is drawn to Noelle because she was the one person who never hated her. Everyone in her life seemed to always be against her, so she lashed out, which did nothing but isolate her more. She had to learn how to fend for herself. At least, that's what she thinks to herself. But throughout it all, Noelle never hated her. By her own admission, Noelle would see the aggression and callousness from Susie and just offer a kind smile in return. And Susie always appreciated that.

The two represent what the other needs on an emotional level. Someone to help Noelle step out of her comfort zone, learn to actually live her life, and find the courage to stand up for herself. Someone that Susie can finally let her guard down around and accept genuine compassion and acceptance from, in a way that only Noelle can provide. And the thing is, neither of them had the courage to actually act on their feeling until they got wrapped up the Dark World. And it's not because they weren't aware. Susie may be a bit dense, but she's not oblivious. No, it goes deeper than that. They don't act on their feelings because neither Noelle nor Susie think that the other would feel the same. Noelle thinks that Susie would never like some random deer girl like her. And Susie struggles to believe that ANYONE would really like her in that way. They're two star-crossed lovers that will be forever stuck in this limbo of mutual pining until one of them finally gets the courage to confess.

But my personal favorite relationship is Kris and Noelle. Unlike with Susie, who's kinda seen as the new girl in town, Noelle and Kris have a VAST implied history. They were extremely close in their childhood. They lived next door to each other, their elder siblings were best friends, their families were intertwined, and by all accounts, they seemed to be happy. Everything from the overworld to the cyber city to the newsletters shows us that Kris and Noelle were once the closest of friends.

But then, something happened, something likely related to Noelle's sister Dess. I touched on her a bit in my Suselle section, but it really does seem like Dess was Noelle's anchor. She protected her, encouraged her, stood up for her, everything an older sister should do. And then, something happened to her. The details are a little unclear, but whatever exactly transpired caused Dess to go missing. And it's clear that this broke Noelle, which caused her and Kris to split up a bit. They were still friends, but they had to grow up without each other. It only got worse when Asriel left for University and Kris lost their will.

But then, the Dark World happened. And Kris and Noelle started to reconnect in their journey. And along the way, maybe uncover some new affection for the other. They're reminded of their time together when they were kids, when everything was so simple. When they both had someone who could comfort them. But things are different now, but that doesn't mean they can't still be friends. And maybe they don't need to face their struggles alone anymore. And that's what I love so much about these two. It's such a tender and soft relationship. There's never any big romantic display. They don't need it. They show their affection in more sublte ways.

Like when Noelle feels reassured when Kris says that they're friends. When she reminisces about their childhood toghether in the city. How she feels sorry for Kris for getting hurt by Susie. And how she is the only one to notice something is wrong with Kris on the Weird Route and how she vows to help them. Noelle has been estranged from Kris for so long that she thinks that the two of them can never be close again. But seeing Kris trying to reach back out to her makes her realize that they still are friends.

Kris also shows a lot of affection for Noelle as well. They encourage her to make a move on Susie because they know she has a crush on her. They constantly play pranks on her. They would play piano for Noelle when they were young. They make sure to look after her after Rudy asked. They get upset when we bully her at the laser gate. And they try to fight against our control in the Snowgrave route at every turn. Kris doesn't want to lose the last remnant of their childhood. The one friend they always had, no matter what.

And this relationship gets even more interesting when you consider how it diverges in the Weird Route. Because it only works because Noelle trusts Kris. We, the player, are using Kris as a pawn to force Noelle to commit horrible acts and even willingly put herself in harms way. Noelle has to try and convince herself that her lifelong friend isn't really making her kill people, including her friend. And Kris has no choice but to go along with it, despite clearly never wanting this. Nothing more than a puppet on our strings. And that's not even getting into the marital themes where Kris and Noelle are forced into symbolically archetypal husband and wife roles, respectively. It's honestly crazy how simultaneously similar and different the two outcomes are. Instead of the both of them reconnecting naturally over nostalgia and a shared adventure, they're forced apart even further apart by a new outside force. And yet, this strengthens their resolve to help the other. The same two friends, but twisted and warped into something so disturbing and sadistic.

Kris and Noelle's relationship is so rich with personal history and buried feelings that it's honestly almost overwhelming. There's so much nuance and ambiguity that it can be interpreted as romantic or platonic as you prefer. And yet it's so different from the other two relationships or really any relationship that Toby has ever wrote. They're two childhood friends who drifted apart over some traumatizing event, who both began to reconnect through a shared adventure and maybe discover something even deeper. It's one of my favorite aspects of Deltarune as a whole if I'm being honest.

And honestly, I could say that for all three of the relationships. Each one individually on it's own is so enveloping and has so much potential. But when the three are together, they just feel... complete. Kris and Susie, rivals turned to comrades. Susie and Noelle, a blossoming star-crossed romance. Noelle and Kris, long-lost childhood friends who thaw out their frozen hearts. Everyone of those dynamics bounces off of each other so well. And here's the other thing, no ever comes off as a third wheel. Kris acts as a wingman (wingthem?) for susie and Noelle, actively encouraging them to interact and open up. Susie is the catalyst that leads Noelle and Kris to reconnect and looks out for the both of them, making sure they're both safe and happy. And Noelle acts as a comfort to both Susie and Kris, allowing them to open up around her, and she's content to let them be the heroes of her story. They're all just kids who love each other.

And I think that's why this ship appeals to me so much. Because despite all the supernatural and mystical elements of Deltarune's story. The relationships of these three are really grounded. Toby Fox managed to write an incredibly endearing, and incredibly realistic portrayal of teenage love. Because that's what they are, teenagers. They may be emotional, they may make mistakes, they may become distant and closed off, they may be scared of what the world has in store for them. But they can still grow. They don't need to take on the world by themselves, They can learn to let out their emotions and be who they want to be. They can still learn to feel love. Whether it's for your partner in crime or the girl next door, your oblivious crush or your old best friend, your sister in arms or your childhood sweetheart. You can always find love. And there will always be those who can help you along the way.

And I think that's a really profound message.

-follow up

[heartbeatbookclub]

insert ask that conveniently makes you talk about sayonika here

I have a lot of thoughts about them. None are particularly structured, really...

Trust really fuckin fed us, y'all. One of the first posts on this blog is me talking all about how it illustrates the parallels between Monika and Sayori, subtle as it is about it. I think in many, many ways, they reflect one another's actions, and on an exceptionally deep level, they both understand what makes the other tick. As a consequence, they're both pretty astute when it comes to recognizing what the other needs, what problems they might be having, and a good way to help them through it. It's hard to put into words...they just get each other, y'know?

Despite that, there are some definite fundamental differences. I think the simplest way to explain it is that Monika has a constant preoccupation with being able to do something right the first time, to be able to do something perfect, while Sayori has long given up the thought that she could do anything without screwing something up, and is instead desperately focused on trying to do good enough. In that way, the both of them sort of cover the other's weaknesses.

In that sense, both of them struggle with the thought of measuring up to others' expectations, and feel this constant need to do better, coupled with this constant thought that they aren't enough. Inferiority complex is the keyword here. Both of them have some pretty clear struggles with their own self-worth...

And the benefit of having each other is invaluable, for that reason. Particularly since the two of them understand each other's struggle, they're able to find the words the other needs to hear, and when they say it, it's more trustworthy because of that understanding.

Monika vents about an issue she's having, trying to find a way to really cope with it, and Sayori's answer immediately pierces straight to the core of the problem, identifying an insecurity which Monika didn't even realize she had. She's able to lay bare what Monika feels so she can actually grasp how to deal with it.

On the flip side, Sayori can hide it all she likes, but Monika's able to see clear through that facade, and identify where Sayori is struggling. She tends to a more subtle approach, simply quietly taking some of that burden, or providing whatever affection, praise, or encouragement she thinks she needs. Without even realizing it, Sayori's feeling better already.

They've got each others' backs, through thick and thin. If Monika's lagging behind, Sayori gives her a gentle push in the right direction. If Sayori needs someone to tell her everything's going to be okay, Monika's right beside her not only telling her that, but elaborating on how things couldn't possibly be that bad, because they have each other.

To get away from more general analysis kind of stuff, I think the two of them would just naturally tend towards a very close relationship. They'd grow reliant on each other without even realizing it, each using the other for needed buffer in any social situation, and relying on each other for support in all areas.

Monika would feel incredibly awkward trying to engage in anything romantic with anyone, but I think her relationship with Sayori being so close would just feel incredibly natural, no matter how it ended up progressing. That doesn't mean that transitioning to romance wouldn't feel awkward as hell still, nor that Monika would really feel confident doing anything (Sayori's taking that lead and she's driving the horse to the end of the line), but her relationship with Sayori would be so close naturally that it wouldn't actually change very much.

Neither of them would really be able to be honest about their feelings at first. And at this critical moment, neither of them would be able to clearly identify the feelings that the other had. Both of them would be way too anxious about the fact that the other might say no, and it could ruin their entire friendship, to say anything about it for the longest time. Neither of them can imagine a life without the other.

I think Sayori might be the one to crack first. I think she'd probably get to a point where she wouldn't be able to handle all the fluttery feelings in her chest when they were this close. She couldn't do anything but be honest about her feelings, no matter how anxious it made her feel.

Monika would be taken aback but obviously reciprocate. Now unsure how to even proceed. I think Monika would be the first to say I love you tho

This might be one of the roughest parts of the base game to really deal with when you think about it for an extended period. I don't want to think about it for an extended period right now so I'm not gonna elaborate (already thinking of enough angst with other fic concepts).

[genderqueerdykes]

im seeing you post about transmasc lesbians and thinking now about that post i saw that was like "its kinda weird that top surgery scars are the trans lesbian stereotype and not any stereotypical transfem features" and like. yeah i do think there should be more mainstream transfem lesbians but also why do we gotta take the piss out of transmascs about it

agreed, they're two separate conversations that can be had at the same time

as someone who is a transfeminine dyke and has had a lot of transfem lesbian friends and partners, a lot of lesbian stereotypes that come to my mind are that of what you mentioned with transmascs, plus things such as femmes with flat chests wearing low cut shirts, breasforms, transfem butches binding after growing boobs from HRT, femmes with defined jawlines and deep voices, excitement from growing boobs, femmes with looooooong hair covering almost all the face, never transition transfem dykes, transfeminine butches who have proudly been telling people they were dykes as long as they can remember, dykes especially femmes with visible crotch bulge, there's a lot of transfeminine 'stereotypes' and things to lesbianism but there's no reason like you said to take the piss out of transmasculinity to point out lots of people just do not have experience with transfeminine lesbianism

a lot of people don't and it's fine and they shouldn't act like they do. i lived in a punk house for a few months and met a lot of transfem lesbians there got close to many. once you get exposed to transfem lesbians you become aware of "stereotypes" that are present in the community. it's 2 separate conversations when we we talk about stereotypes from more transfeminine and more transmasculine spaces in the community. they are lesbian experiences, but it is 2 separate conversations that can be held at the same exact time

part of the reason top surgery scars are so well represented in lesbianism is because afab bodies are treated like the norm, but also because a lot of lesbians struggle with gender and especially when that comes to the societal expectations placed on people with breasts. a lot of lesbians want to discuss their experiences with this and it's important. lesbians have rich and deep history of being gender variant people and it's important to let people celebrate top surgery scars. that's a separate conversation, however, it is closely linked to something else.

everyone on every side rejects transfemininity as belonging in lesbianism. everyone silently agrees afab bodies are the norm for lesbianism, so they shun any and all transfeminine experiences and prevent them from appearing in lesbian history. nobody wants to be the one to start romanticizing transfeminine features in the community for fear of backlash or getting silenced or mocked or talked over. we've made it nigh impossible to have the conversation about transfem lesbians, so people begin to fight with each other instead of recognizing that transfem and transmasc have very complex relationships with lesbianism and it's not right to try to silence one for the other

we have struggles that are common in a lot of ways. if we begin embracing what transfeminine lesbianism looks like, we can begin to have a more complete understanding of what the whole lesbian experience is. without putting transmascs down or trying to talk over transmasculine lesbians. we can talk about transfem and transmasc lesbians needing support at the same time. it's important that we do. we need to talk about how transmasc and transfem lesbians are here and that we need help in being accepted as part of the community

it's just wrong to throw any other queer person of the same group under the bus for the sake of trying to have a separate but very similar conversation. im with you. i hope we see less of this down the road. these are 2 very important conversations that we really need to have simultaneously. together at once.

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

This is kind of a follow-up to this post about the Targtower brothers dynamic. I just love them. What`s not to love, honestly:

In that post I used the word 'lust' to describe a certain aspect of Aegon`s feelings towards his brother - but upon consideration I believe the word 'desire' to be more suitable. But what are the roots of these feelings and how do they and the form in which they are expressed change with time?

First things first:

1. Long post;

2. Nothing is this post is intended to promote or encourage sexual relations involving minors;

2. I enjoy both platonic (canon version) and romantic/sexual (fanon territory) interpretations of Aegon&Aemond relationship - without belittling any other pairing (canon or not) involving either of them. In fact I quite enjoy some of those other pairings as well.

So, the sensual side of the Green brothers` relationship is not the focal point of the show (or even of their relationship in general) by any means. And it`s not a simple 'I just want to bend you over the nearest piece of furniture and give it to you' thing from Aegon`s part either. It`s deliciously subtle and quite complex even from the beginning of their interactions we see - and it gets even more complicated as they transition into their adulthood.

Teen Aegon is a flirt in general. But when it comes to his brother the flirting intensifies - and begins to resemble 'pulling pigtails'. It`s in the spirit of mockery but one heavily tinged with fondness - and other feelings, deeper and heavier.

It`s the way Aegon's focused on Aemond - to the point that it feels like they are alone, even with other people in close vicinity. This focus doesn`t dissolve even when Aegon looks elsewhere.

It`s in the way Aegon touches Aemond: seemingly carelessly - but there is a kind of hesitance, almost shyness, about his touch. Huge props to Ty for his acting: the not-exactly-platonic undertones are there, yet the vibe doesn`t feel gross in the slightest (the way it might have felt if acted out with less finesse, given the fact that Aemond is a minor after all, and so is Leo) - if anything it`s endearing. And I believe it feels this way because the roots of Aegon`s feelings are not sexual after all.

To Aegon, Aemond is a mystery: he`s his likeness yet his antipode, he`s so close yet so far. He can`t get a full grasp of him however much he tries. Aemond is like some rarity, a mystical object created by the Warlocks of Qarth, the one he wants to dismantle and see how it works but doesn`t dare to do it since he might not be able to put it back together. But first and foremost Aemond is Aegon`s brother - his blood, his companion; the one he wants to feel close to, the one he wants to be like him and tries to achieve it in any way he can - hence the trip to the brothel. It certainly wasn`t a nice thing to do, and Aegon`s train of thought there might have taken various directions at once, but ultimately I don`t think it was about corruption or causing Aemond discomfort but about unity, companionship, feeling close, alike and one - the things Aegon chased after and was deprived of.

A crack-ish side note: Aegon telling Aemond he fancies creatures with 'veeery long legs' with this playfully lecherous grin on his face -

-has never not been funny to me since the moment I realized that adult Aemond, courtesy of Ewan Mitchell`s gorgeous physique, might just have the longest legs among all the characters (or at least he`s damn close to the top).

As the brothers grow up so do Aegon`s feelings.

Both curiosity about the intricacies of their similarities and differences and deep desire for true company and understanding are still very much there. But now there is also so much more. Guilt and shame over not being by Aemond`s side when he needed it most - and seeing a reminder of this on his brother`s face every damn day. Protectiveness that seems misplaced nowadays, but that`s not always the case: Aemond will need Aegon`s support after what happened at Storm`s End - if only he allows himself to accept it. Admiration and envy - about how strong and brilliant his little brother has become, how right he`s turned out to be in contrast with Aegon`s perceived wrongness. And it all comes to a head during the chase and fight scene in episode 9.

A lot of people mentioned that they expected the Targtower brothers to kiss when Aegon pleaded with Aemond to let him go. Well, that`s entirely understandable given that we have this shot:

TGC`s eyes did not just slip there, after all: such things are not done at random, it was a conscious acting choice. And I`m pretty sure Aegon would have indeed kissed his brother if not for Criston intervening and breaking the spell of the moment. Because while under this spell Aegon saw Aemond for everything that he`d ever been to him: his playmate and his toy, his judge and his closest human friend, his solace and his torment - and, perhaps the most important thing right then, his freedom. For years Aemond truly was the personification of the fate Aegon wanted to have - being the second son, free of the burden of the future rule, of excessive expectations, of torturous scrutiny. But also in that moment Aemond literally became Aegon`s freedom, or his best chance at getting it. And so, Aegon was ready to kiss his little brother goodbye - and at the same time kiss his freedom in greeting. But, alas -

-in a few seconds freedom slipped away, and Aegon let go of it - let go of his brother, never tearing his eyes away until the very last moment.

Just look at his face, it`s all there (Tom, you are a genius).

Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record: Tom and Ewan`s chemistry is everything. In a notably short amount of screen time they shared they have managed to give life to an astoundingly authentic, layered and compelling sibling bond that outshines pretty much every other (not that there is a competition going on but still).

To try and sum all of it up, it`s not that Aegon wants to fuck Aemond - it`s that he wants Aemond, period. And that want, need, desire can take many forms and include many things. Their relationship is complicated, dramatic and wholesome with a side of fucked up - but absolutely beautiful. And I, for one, love it to pieces.

@the-girl-in-the-box here you are!:)

[marcop0los]

chat so yk how I was talking abt my new wc oc's? YEAH!! Now yall get to hear abt them anyways starting with ThunderClan

ThunderClan

---- DustPatch: A siamese transgender tom. He has a complex relationship with StarClan because of him not wanting to be a Molly but he had a vision of basically cat god giving him the go ahead to transition.

MoosePaw/Step: A young very rambunctious tabby-ish tom. Was looked over for a long time, his parents favored his deputy brother and medicine apprentice siblings instead of him which caused him to act out in various ways. When he got a mentor he finally felt seen until a she-kitty pet joined ThunderClan and his mentor became oddly fascinated with the young she. MoosePaw later got his warrior name MooseStep and finally felt like he accomplished something.

---- RiverClan --- SplitFur: A cocky bastard. He could be seen as narcissistic, he's in a gay relationship with ToxicSting. This relationship is a odd mix of the most horrifying shit, terrible fights and power dynamics but they can also be very soft with eachother, they do genuinely care about eachother. Has a brother he didn't know about from a different clan (LightningClaw).

JuniperPaw/Strike: A tom medicine cat apprentice. He wasn't always going to be a medicine cat though. He was going to be a warrior but when his clanmates saw him talking to no one, talking to the air if you would the medicine cat pulled him aside and just asked him if he's seeing ghosts. JuniperPaw is surprised no one else saw what he did but because of these... things JuniperPaw was seeing he was forced to become a Medicine cat apprentice. The three most common 'ghosts' he saw were DappledHeart, SharkFur and DarkPelt. Odd thing is that SharkFur and DarkPelt have a red aura to them yet DappledHeart has a white one....

---- WindClan --- LightningClaw: A tom with ALOT of issues. Had the biggest crush on his best friend SilentCall. Him and SilentCall were in a secret (affair) relationship until LightningClaw watched as SIlentCall was killed by his gf. Got revenge for SilentCall by killing his (SilentCall's) girlfriend. Didn't find anyone for a long time after that, stayed around his lesbian friends LeafCurl and PhantomVeil. One-day the leader brought a loner into the clan, him and LightningClaw were both elders at this point and they became old man yaoi.

SilentCall: a mute tom cat with deep seeded religious trauma. His parents were HUGE believers in StarClan, they hardly left camp because they believed that even the smallest things would be a disgrace in the eye of StarClan and they drilled this into SilentCall. Lots of things weren't allowed in his parents eyes. For example gay people. So when feelings towards his best friend started to arise he tried nipping it in the bud and got a girlfriend (BrindleStretch). Later though LightningClaw convinced him gay people weren't bad and they were in a secret relationship for a while. Until during a border patrol with BrindleStretch she stopped right where WindClan territory meets RIverClans at the bridge. He was murdered by his Girlfriend.

---- ShadowClan --- SnakeEye: A large tom who acts as if he's an elder, hes grumpy constantly but does have a soft spot for kits. His father was not kind to him, his mother died giving birth to him and his original name was GrassPaw, his father asked the leader specifically if he could mentor his own son, Grasspaw thought this was his father way of showing he cared. He later learned that it was not when his father got a snake to bite and blind his left eye. He never trusted his father after that, he didn't hold the vigil when his own father died of red cough.

KoiFlash: A Tom who actually is pretty normal, he's quite popular with the Molly's but he has his eyes set on the deputy tom: OrcaLurch. KoiFlash didn't have the best kithood, always being thrown around parents since his mysteriously disappeared after he was born but that doesn't stop him from being one of the best Shadowclan cats out there!

---- Extras/Loners --- SirenCall/Cry/Splash: Siren has many names, he was a loner, living on a pirate boat with his paraplegic brother (FalconTalon). His brother died of sickness and Siren went to live with the legends he always heard about from hitchhiking cats. He first joined ShadowClan but was later exiled because of how he acted around others and his lack of social awareness made him "jokingly" threaten other cats. Same went for ThunderClan when he joined there. He was exiled out of thunderclan and decided to go to RiverClans next since he thought his knowledge of the ocean would help him which it did! He did so well in fact he became Deputy! That was until one day when the medicine cat got a prophecy about a loner joining the clans and causing havoc and war. Because everyone immediately thought it was Siren he was promptly exiled (it was not him in the prophecy) .

Hylo: A sweet barn cat. Has nothing wrong with him! He may not know his mother who died trying to protect him from oncoming traffic and his owner (The Farmer) passed a few winters ago and Hylo had to join a clan out of desperation so he didn't starve or freeze to death and got the new name DuskHerder and ended up leaving the clan after winter cause he learned how to hunt on his own but other then that he's a pretty happy barn cat!

[tmisherewrites]

Chapter 4 Deep Dive: Days 1053 and 1054 of the Insurgency

In Chapter 4 we see Crassus receive some news which spurs him to action.

This deep dive is looooong but this was a deceptively complex chapter and included probably the most amount of consideration, thought, and world-building.

Also, you may have noticed, but the Chapter names change depending on the POV character. Syrus' chapter refer to Day x of the Revolution while Crassus' chapter refer to Day x of the Insurgency, just to distinguish their perspectives on the fight even more. But the days are the same, so day 1053 of the Revolution is the same as 1053 of the Insurgency and vice versa.

I'll be talking spoilers below so if you haven't read my fic They Will Come For You In the Night yet, that's the link to the first chapter which starts with Syrus Reed, the other POV character. The link for Chapter 4 specifically is above.

This was the first tricky chapter to write. I wanted to include how the pre-rebellion economy worked as well as hint to the political and economic structure of Panem and the Capitol specifically that we see in canon and make the transition from one to the other as believable as possible. And harder still, I wanted to make that interesting to read. I tried not to include any actual economic terms that we'd use today, but there are loads references I make which have 1:1 counterparts to the real world.

The Economy

These were some of the facts I considered and the impact they would have:

I knew there were some industrialists in the Districts like the Plinths and I knew they made enough money to buy their way into the Capitol. Hence the distinction between districts with industries which are locally owned vs. owned by Capitol citizens.

Because of the above, I knew that there had to be an exploitative relationship between the locally owned districts and the Capitol because those districts wouldn't agree to rise up against the Capitol if they relied so heavily on them for their wealth, hence the mandatory 40% return of profit to investors. This is also an allusion to the fact that in most revolutions, the rebellion needs to, to a certain extent, appeal to the merchant class, or the petite bourgeoisie, in order to trigger the revolt against the owning class, or the haute bourgeoisie.

The districts which had local ownership also tended to become the Career districts because their economic structure allowed them to be more amenable to Capitol propaganda because of their geographic and economic proximity to the Capitol. We can see this in Plinth and Castor's relationship with the other Guardians and their perspective on the revolution as a whole.

I knew there was a well-established and strict class system within the Capitol itself from references to particularly powerful families like the Snows and the Cranes.

Because of the above, I knew that the families which own the means of production in the district specific industry are probably going to be far wealthier than the ones who can't afford to buy out those industries entirely, but can afford to invest, hence the different positions between Crassus and Moss. Kind of like Crassus and the Snows are billionaires, and the Moss's are multi-millionaires, both incredibly wealthy, but one clearly far wealthier and more powerful than the other.

Whataboutism

While not a comment about economics per se, I was very purposeful in making the Cranes the owners of District 11 for two reasons.

Firstly, the Cranes we've seen in canon, Arachne and Seneca, are cruel in thoughtless ways and never consider the consequences of their cruelty. Considering the over-policing and strict control we see in District 11, I knew a family like the Cranes would be more than happy to inflict that much harm.

Secondly, I wanted Crassus to have an example of someone who he considers mindlessly cruel and for him to blame the mindlessness, not the cruelty for the rebels' desire for revolt. This was rooted in a very real phenomena that we have seen in the past and even today. I based him off of some confederate generals in the American south who would've argued that he should be allowed to keep their slaves because they only whip them when they deserve it unlike the neighbours who do it for fun. He's that kind of guy, doesn't stop for a moment to think that the slavery itself is cruel. And in a more modern and currently very relevant context, the removal of a single powerful figure of an industry which is inherently immoral, even if replaced with a far more polite figure, doesn't magically make that industry moral. It's not the figurehead, it's the system, the structure, it's rotten to the core, changing one person won't redeem it.

Quotes

As for the quotes of this chapter, we're back with Frantz Fanon whose work greatly inspired Crassus' chapters. He makes a reference to cognitive dissonance which Crassus needs in droves because he constantly contradicts himself and his beliefs.

I also included a pretty spot on definition of fascism from Robert O. Paxton which I believe fits the political structure of the Capitol well. Though the Capitol doesn't explicitly try to externally expand its borders, I believe the expansion can also be social and economic. So the Capitol does seek to expand it's influence outside of its borders even if its physical landmass doesn't shift.

And the last quote is one that I included because I knew some of the writing for Crassus would seem a little ridiculous and extreme, and while reading Manufacturing Consent, I saw this quote from a 19th century MP in the UK who sounded EXACTLY like how I was writing Crassus. And while I know that the contemporary counterpart to that MP would never be caught dead speaking so plainly about their opinion on the working class, I hope everyone knows that this perspective is still very much alive and that there are people in power today, all over the world, whose internal monologue would be indistinguishable from Crassus'.

[overheard-at-star-command]

'Daddy's Little Princess'

I want to play Dr. Animus for a moment and analyze Mira Nova’s daddy issues. And take a closer look at her dad himself.

(I meant to write this essay for Father’s Day, btw)

In most cases, interpretations of stories are not about what is literally in the text but what is drawn on from the cultural and social experience of the society that created the text. Thus, it’s a stretch to suggest that the writers and creators of Buzz Lightyear of Star Command deliberately wrote Mira’s relationship with her father to be deep or complex. On the other hand, you would be forgiven for thinking that King Nova is just a stock “mean dad” character for a kids’ show.

But, believe it or not, King Nova has a character arc: it’s about a father who goes from being hostile towards his adult daughter to supporting her.

As an adult who has struggled with her own daddy issues, and as someone who has dabbled in the social sciences, psychology, and mythology, I see a much deeper story in the series about the stress of parent and adult child relationships and how the two parties negotiate a new balance between them.

To be up front, I’ve been listening to lectures and podcasts by Jordan Peterson recently, and I will pull interpretive material from his sources. (I understand that Peterson is a controversial figure. If you don’t like him, then go read something else.)

During my first semester of college, a very long time ago, I took an introduction to family studies course. One topic that the got discussed briefly in class was that of family transitions: that is, the question of how families deal with changes such as birth, marriage, divorce, and death. Family transitions bring about changes in how the individual members perform their roles in the family system or relate to one another. The lack of clarity or communication about what these new roles look like creates stress between family members as they try to figure it out on their own. One of the most difficult types of transitions is when an adult child moves out of the household, which my professor referred to (appropriately for this discussion about a kids’ sci-fi show) as ‘launching’. 

Launching creates friction in the parent-child relationship because the parent(s) and child need to redefine the terms of their relationship but will have differing opinions on how to do so. The adult child how has autonomy over their own life. They now set their own boundaries and create their own identity without input from the parent. The adult child either does not fulfil their parent’s expectations for them or outright reject them. The parent wants to support the child but has to let go of providing for most or all of their needs. Social and political differences or even just personal disagreements can cause distance in the relationship and even outright resentment. If not resolved, conflict can lead to one party cutting off the relationship with the other. According to the notes I have saved, my professor remarked that it is the parents who suffer more during launching rather than the adult children.

Father and Daughter

Let me address the elephant in the room: Mira Nova is never mentioned as having a mother. Considering that Mira is a Disney ‘princess’ this is hardly a surprise, since many Disney protagonists, and fairy-tale characters in general, have one or both biological parents missing. Absence or separation from parents requires the hero or heroine of a given story to act as an adult and take responsibility for their own survival. A child missing one or both parents must learn the rules of life by themselves because the parent is not there to teach them. In many cases, absence or separation from parents/parent figures initiates the Hero’s Journey. The archetypal adventure story is a symbolic journey into adulthood itself. Luke Skywalker’s arc in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope is about how he gets off his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm where he spent his childhood and dedicates his adulthood to becoming a Jedi.

Assume, for the sake of argument, that Mira did have a mother, but she is absent because of some unnamed circumstances. She may even be dead. Mira and her father are emotionally close because each is the only nuclear family member the other has, and that closeness gives their disagreements higher stakes and greater potential for damage. If Mira’s hypothetical mother was lost or even killed in some tragedy, it would give King Nova a stronger desire to control and protect his daughter.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention “The Lightyear Factor”, which presents an alternate universe where Mira has lost EVERYTHING including her father. The alternate-universe Mira blames Buzz Lightyear for the crimes committed by his evil doppelganger, including the ones that hit closest to home:

Mira: This is for what you did to Tangea, for what you did to my father! I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him. Buzz: See? For all your rebellious fights with your father, you still cared deeply and you should’ve told him.

As Buzz assumes, the same is true for the Mira in the first universe. Deep down Mira still cares about her father, and even the risk of losing him pains her, as hinted at in ‘The Planet Destroyer’.

Flashbacks: ‘Star-Crossed’ and ‘First Missions’

King Nova is a single father and the monarch of a planet with an insular culture suspicious of outside forces. His go-to parenting strategy is lecturing and discipline. He uses Tangea’s genteel society as a box within to contain and protect his daughter. Without a mother figure in her life, Mira has nothing to mitigate or balance out her father’s absolute control over her. To paraphrase Jordan Peterson, then, instead of being the ideal Wise King and encouraging father, King Nova is the Tyrant over both his planet and his daughter’s life.

The flashbacks in “Star Crossed” tell us that as a teenager, Mira snuck out of the royal palace to explore the outside world, thus starting the journey to adulthood in absence of a mother’s guidance and in defiance of a tyrannical father. It was during these excursions that she met and fell in love with Romac, a Grounder. Mira dating a grounder was the manifestation of King Nova’s worst fears: she had gone into the dangerous outside world and betrayed his expectations for her. Her forced separation from Romac traumatized her, and it is not unfounded to conclude that this incident became a source of hostile feelings towards her father.

An archetype that Jordan Peterson refers to in his lectures is that of the monster parent that devours their own child: think of Kronos in the Greek theogony. The monster parent eats their offspring because they are jealous of the child, either for their potential to surpass them or for having other friends and guardians besides the parent. King Nova ‘swallowed’ his daughter in order to protect her from the dangers of the outside world, those ‘dangers’ being independence, romance, and mingling with ‘common grounders’. In this sense, he is on par with fairy tale parents who attempt and fail to protect their children from the chaos of adulthood, notably the father of Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel’s ‘Mother’ Gothel.

It's ironic: no solid walls can hold Tangeans, and yet the king of that species expects his own daughter to stay inside the palace.

A few years later, as we learn in “First Missions”, the Galactic Alliance approached King Nova about bringing the planet Tangea into their organization. He was not in favor of accepting the offer. He only changed his mind because the Evil Emperor Zurg literally invaded his house, forcing him to see the political necessity. In the process of that home invasion and rescue, Buzz Lightyear came into Mira Nova’s life as an alternative parental figure and a mentor. So Tangea gained membership in the Galactic Alliance, but its king lost his daughter in the bargain.

‘The Planet Destroyer’ (episode 7)

The first time we meet King Nova in the release order of the series is ‘The Planet Destroyer’. This is what happens in his first scene with Mira:

Mira: That laser webbing will prevent even a speck of cosmic dust from entering Tangea’s atmosphere. King: This is all much ado about nothing. Tangea can take care of its own. We certainly don’t need monkeys in space suits to protect us. Mira: 'Monkeys in space suits?' King: Mira, you know how much I disapprove of you being part of that space club. Mira: It is not a club, father. It’s Star Command. King: Mmm, yes. Whatever you call it. I don’t like it. It’s beneath us. Mira: Why, because we’re royal? King: Because we’re Tangean. This diversion is keeping you from the proper development of your powers. Besides, if you consort with monkeys. You’re bound to start acting like one.

They have had this conversation before.

Mira returns to her crew feeling absolutely LIVID. “He’s the most vain, egotistical, conceited man to ever walk Tangea!” she mutters.

I think King Nova feels like he is losing control of his life, and he is: his planet’s political status has changed and his daughter has left home. In response, he doubles down on his controlling speech and attitude towards his daughter. He invalidates Mira and her life away from home.

It is my personal headcanon that the lowest point in Mira’s relationship with her father was when she decided to join Star Command. They may have had terrible arguments. She might have left for the training Academy without saying goodbye. He might have not called her or answered her calls while she was at the Academy and perhaps not even after she graduated (or if he did, it was to ask when she was coming back to Tangea). This could be the first time they’ve seen each other and even talked since she left home.

After Mira graduated, she became partners with Buzz Lightyear along with Booster and XR, and Team Lightyear became her new family. Mira has likely talked to her father about her teammates, so I think the king takes Mira finding an alternative family as a betrayal of their relationship. Therefore, he has no qualms about calling them ‘monkeys’ and ‘inferior’ to specifically insult them.

Zurg’s ‘planet destroyer’ device makes Tangea disappear. But Mira, strangely, is not upset about it. I would argue that this bit of exposition could have been written better. However, when Team Lightyear goes to search for Zurg’s weapon, Mira asserts that Tangea isn’t really destroyed because she still has a mental connection to her planet and her father. She doesn’t know how this connection is possible—and then she admits that if she understood her supernatural powers more then she would have a better idea of how and why the connection worked. What Mira really acknowledges is that her father is partly right about needing to develop her powers.

Mira’s intuition leads Team Lightyear to the alternate dimension where Zurg transported the planets he ‘destroyed’. King Nova appears and Mira is grateful to see him alive. But how to reverse the effects of Zurg’s weapon?

King: With my enormous mental powers, I might be able to penetrate the trans-dimensional hull of this so-called ‘planet-destroyer’” Mira: Mm-hm, okay. And what will you do when Zurg’s killer robots attack? King: Oh. Well, I…hadn’t really thought of that.

Now it is her dad’s turn to realize that he does not know everything he needs to save the day. The king has expertise that Mira does not have, and Mira has the combat skills that the king lacks. With Buzz Lightyear’s encouragement, father and daughter compromise in order to carry out the next part of the mission. They succeed, and Mira gets a few tutorials on more ways to use her ghosting powers besides breaking and entering. King Nova does acknowledge that his daughter being a space ranger does have its benefits—but he is not about to give her his stamp of approval.

‘Mira’s Wedding’ (episode 16)

This brings us to episode 16, “Mira’s Wedding.” King Nova admits to Mira when she comes home to Tangea that her betrothal to Fop Doppler was not his idea, but he is one hundred percent in support of the match. At a later moment, King Nova very rudely informs Buzz, Booster, and XR—her other family—that they are not invited: “You. No go. Wedding.” For the king, the forced marriage of is daughter is an opportunity to bring her back into the protective sphere of the Tangean royal court and their father-daughter relationship at home. This is his chance to ‘swallow’ her again after she escaped.

According to Jordan Peterson, the role of the ideal parent is to encourage their child to be strong and independent. The child that is not allowed to leave home because of overly-attached parents can become ‘a crippled monster’. If you want a monstrosity, look at Mira’s so-called wedding dress (*scream*). Thankfully, the whole engagement and wedding is revealed as a plot to destroy the king, and it is duly foiled. Mira is allowed to return to Star Command. The hostility level between Mira and her father returns to its level of grudging respect.

‘SuperNova’ (episode 23)

Now we get to ‘SuperNova.’ Mira discovers ghosting through energy sources amplifies her Tangean powers and gives her more extraordinary abilities. After the first time she does this, she calls her father to brag about it. King Nova, however, sees Mira’s ‘achievement’ for what it really is.

King: Forget this feeling, Mira. Let it wear off. And never think of it again. Mira: *laughing* You’ve got to be kidding! This is so great! King: Listen to me, child: Tangeans absorb the energy we ghost through. It’s invigorating at first, but— Mira: But what? I feel awesome! King: Of course. Until you can’t stop. Mira: Aw, c’mon! I can handle it!

King: Listen to me, daughter: no good can come from this power ghosting. It can destroy you. It WILL destroy you. Mira: You just can’t stand to see me succeed!

Someone watching ‘SuperNova’ for the first time might think that the king is reprimanding his daughter for no reason, as usual. But this time the king is in the right.

The problem with Mira’s relationship with her father is that she cannot tell the difference between her father (or anyone else) criticizing her wrongly and genuinely helping her because the discord between them has lasted for so long Mira accuses him of being jealous of her independence—right assumption, wrong time. After this conversation, Mira doubles down. She becomes addicted to power ghosting through restricted energy sources in order to keep up her ‘high’ and her amplified powers.

As for the king, his parenting style has come back to bite him. It’s a twisted parallel to the proverbial boy who cried wolf.

Mira’s bad behavior gets her a serious reprimand from Commander Nebula. “You sound like my—father!” she says just as her father himself enters the Star Command hangar.

In The Adventure Begins, it was the Commander who recommended Mira to be Buzz’s partner. My personal headcanon is that Mira saw Commander Nebula as another alternative parent figure: the ‘cool dad’, if you like. Commander Nebula chewing her out for her energy addiction and being in cahoots with her real father against her is a huge betrayal.

What’s more, if King Nova is so attached to Tangea, then seeing him away from his homeworld and at Star Command means that this issue is serious. This is him starting to cross over to her side of their divide, even if he himself does not see it as such. He tells her, “If I don’t do everything Tangean-ly possible to stop you from this, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Mira, of course, won’t listen to either her father or her commanding officer. Instead, she decides that she needs to use her enhanced powers to destroy Emperor Zurg once and for all. Buzz, Booster, and XR agree to go with her, but she sneaks out alone for Planet Z: partly to protect them, yes, but running away is a usual way for her to rebel.

The Evil Emperor Zurg had been keeping track on the wayward princess, and when she arrives to destroy him, he has a trap waiting for her. When Mira exhausts her powers fighting him, he puts her in a dungeon cell adjacent to a waiting energy core, a core that fuels a weapon that will destroy Star Command. The rest of Team Lightyear arrives to join Mira, but Zurg springs a cage on them as well.

Enter King Nova. He walks up to the bars of Mira’s prison cell.

King: Don’t do it, child! Don’t give in to your cravings! Mira: What gives you the right to tell me what to do? King: Because I know how it feels! I, too, once ghosted through energy. I felt its power. And it took me to the brink of destruction.

Then, in what is perhaps one of the rawest lines in the whole series, Mira tells him, “Well, I’m not you!”

With that, she ghosts out of her cell and into Zurg’s waiting power core. But then, to Zurg’s dismay, she ghosts right back out of it.

The Evil Emperor is confused. Isn’t Mira so hopelessly addicted to power that she can’t live without it?

Mira’s next line is the moral message of the episode:

“But there are other kinds of strength, like being able to say enough is enough, or helping someone who’s too stubborn to realize she needs help.”

And she looks at her father and her friends as she says this.

Running through the whole scene again, Mira’s statement about learning her lesson seems to contradict the ‘I’m not you’ line. But let me break down the scene from before that moment. When her friends come to save her and get captured, Mira recognizes that their capture is a consequence of her poor choices. 

She tells her father “I’m not you” moments after his big confession, which means she is still processing it when she walks away. I believe that while getting a final charge from Zurg’s power core, Mira comes to terms with what has just happened: her father has confessed that he is not perfect.

Up until this point, Mira’s image of her father was that of a stern tyrant who embodied his own ideas of Tangean perfection. King Nova has now left his homeworld in defiance of his ego and come to Planet Z (Hell) to save his daughter from Zurg (more or less the Devil, horns and all). He has revealed to her that he had the same weakness that she struggles with currently. He wants to help her overcome it not just out of duty but out of compassion. The king’s actions destroy the false image that his daughter had of him. It can be seen as a symbolic death, in Mira’s mind, of the person she thought her father was.

Mira Nova then undergoes her own symbolic death. She comes out of Zurg’s power core no longer glowing like she did when she was supercharged, meaning that she only absorbed enough energy to get out and fight to save her friends. She leaves her spacesuit inside the energy core, rigged to self-destruct in order to destroy the core, and she is armed with a big blaster. Leaving her spacesuit behind to detonate is her way of shedding her ordeal with her addiction; destroying the core itself is ending her physical dependency on it and similar power sources. Both father and daughter have killed their egos.

In the final scene of the episode, Mira apologizes to her friends for her recent behavior. She even informs Commander Nebula that she is willing to resign from Star Command. She holds herself accountable for her recent actions. In contrast to the start of the episode. Mira admits that she isn’t perfect, either as a person or a space ranger. Buzz intervenes and informs Commander Nebula that in spite of her weakness Mira is still good enough to be a space ranger: her actions after leaving Zurg’s dungeon cell prove as much.

And then, at the very end of the episode, King Nova finally tells Mira that she can stay at Star Command. Because of these events, he is finally willing to let her choose her own path for her adult life. Mira has demonstrated to her father that she can do what is morally right for herself.

The entire incident is the turning point for Mira’s relationship with her father. That is why I believe ‘SuperNova’ is one of the best episodes of the series. In spite of how hard it is to watch Mira mess up, she recognizes her mistakes and makes amends, and in the process, she makes up with her dad. The episode’s emotional payoff is sincere.

‘The Starthought’ (episode 48)

King Nova enters the scene in “The Starthought” on a completely different footing. He offers Star Command a high-tech spaceship to add to its fleet—on the condition that Mira pilots it. He is willing to support Mira as a space ranger now, but she has to do it in a way that displays Tangean superiority—his way.  

At first, Mira is not down to be the Starthought pilot. “Can’t you accept I am not a princess here? I’m a ranger, like everyone else.” In spite of now allowing Mira to stay at Star Command, the king and his daughter have still not figured out the boundaries of their relationship. As her father, he wants to still provide support for her, but in an environment where she is an independently functioning adult this is inappropriate. Mira keeps her work life and her home/royal life separate. She does not want special royal treatment as a space ranger, but she’s happy to live and work as an equal to her colleagues. It looks like she tried to tell her father about this but he failed to understand.

What pushes Mira to take the bait, however, is a snide remark from rival ranger Rocket Crocket. Mira might not be as arrogant as the average Tangean, yet she still has an ego problem. The need to prove herself is normal and healthy, but she is willing to do stupid or risky things to one-up her critics. Mira does pull off some heroics with the Starthought. However, her showing off results in the Starthought being captured by Zurg.

By far, my second favorite scene with Mira and her father is at Cosmo’s diner after the capture of the Starthought. King Nova isn’t angry with Mira for losing the Starthought. “The important thing is that you’re all right,” he tells her.

Mira: I was showing off, and that was wrong.  King: Wrong runs in the family.

It’s a very interesting admission. King Nova is admitting that as her father, trying to prop Mira up with the Starthought was a poor decision. He was showing her off just as much as she was using the Starthought to show herself off. He does not excuse himself for this or for any other mistakes he has made in the past.

Team Lightyear goes to Planet Z, and thanks to some clever shenanigans from Mira the Starthought is destroyed before Zurg can use it for evil. Buzz makes the following statement to the evil Emperor, but he may as well have also said it to the king:

“It’s not the spacecraft of Star Command that wins battles, it’s the space rangers—and we’ve got the best.”

And as he makes that statement, Buzz is holding Mira’s shoulder, showing her off for who she is.

Speaking of Buzz Lightyear, one thing I’ve noticed about Buzz in these episodes is that he acts as a mediator between Mira and her father. It was Buzz who encouraged Mira to seek her independence and her identity in “First Missions’. He encourages Mira and the king to compromise with each other, as in “The Planet Destroyer”, and in that episode and in “Mira’s Wedding” he prods the king to acknowledge that it was Star Command’s intervention that saved the day. In “SuperNova”, Buzz uses persuasion to try and talk Mira out of her addiction before the King resorts to calling Commander Nebula. Buzz later affirms her capability as a space ranger to save her from expulsion. In “The Starthought,” finally, Buzz, Booster, and XR sneakily followed Mira to Cosmo’s with the king (they may have brought him there), but they offer silent moral support while the king and his daughter talk it out. Buzz ensures that King Nova plays the appropriate part of the supportive parent that Mira needs. Buzz can be seen as an alternative dad figure—but I think he brings a whole new level of meaning to the phrase ‘mom friend’.  

The final scene at Cosmo’s is an apt finale for King Nova’s arc.

King: I guess I just need to get used to the fact that you don’t need your father’s anymore. Mira: Well, actually…I do. The bill? I left my unibucks in my other spacesuit. Thanks, Daddy. King: *laughs* Of course you did. My treat.

Father and daughter are still connected, even though their roles in relation to one another are now those of hands-off parent and independent adult child. The king has also accepted Buzz, Booster, and XR as Mira’s new family away from home.

Mira’s arc in Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is the story of a young woman stepping into her new life as an adult. I conclude, then, that King Nova’s arc is the story of a father who at first refuses to allow his adult child to grow up, but then learns the hard way to let his daughter decide her own future.

I apologize for this being such a long essay but there was a lot I wanted to say. If you are more informed on the subjects of mythology, anthropology, psychology, and family studies or you’re just a fan like me, feel free to add constructive comments or corrections.

My personal takeaway: if Mira Nova can figure out her daddy issues, then mine aren't hopeless either.

Video Sources

(Wish I had more, I put this together on somewhat short notice)

Dr. Joshua Coleman On Family Estrangement

Dr. Jordan Peterson

Pinocchio and Leaving Your Parents

Mother's vs. Father's Roles

Tyrannical Fathers

Saving the Father Figure

Conversation with Jonathan Pageau about AI and Fairy Tales

[libraryofbronze]

From Friendship to Sex, A Lewd Writing Guide (Commission, How-To, Writing Guide)

Okay, so I was asked to do this topic specifically. Actually, I was commissioned for it, but you know what? I'm glad I was. This is a very specific topic that a lot of writers - both erotic and general - struggle with but that often doesn't come up in guides like this. I didn't even think of it either until it was suggested and then I was just like, ''You know what? That actually is a very good question deserving of a proper, in-depth answer.''

The question? How to take a non-romantic relationship like a friendship and transition it into a romantic/sexual one.

''But Bronze,'' I hear you say, ''That's easy! Just have them fuck!''

Well, that's a yes and a no, random commenter I've just made up! In some situations, that will work pretty well! If you're just writing lewds with limited set up, no one really cares how they start to fuck. Just get to the sexing and your readers will love it.

But if you're trying to ground yourself a little bit more in character work, if the story is not totally lewds, or if your personalities and a sense of realism matter, then the question becomes a little more tricky. This is a topic that gets very little attention. Usually, you either know how to do it or you don't. And if you don't, you gotta stumble in the dark and learn it yourself.

So I'm going to be doing my best to lay it out for you. Now, as a disclaimer, this isn't something I'm a total expert in. But I've done it before enough times that I'm pretty confident I can pull it off reliably. I'm going to take those lessons and try to give them to you.

Let's start with the basics. How do you take two characters that are friends or friendly, but not romantic, and turn it romantic? Well, the first thing to do is remember not to do it too abruptly. Humans are actually pretty picky about our partners so any story focused on this should probably be aware that you're going to have it as a subplot for a while. If you don't want them to feel to the audience like just a bunch of robots the author suddenly decided need to fuck, you need to create build up and momentum. You need to make it believable.

So how do we do that?

The first thing to do is to make it natural. Okay, you have your characters. Let's say a girl and a guy. You want them to be a couple. You've got a few questions you're going to have to ask yourself.

What do they see in each other?

What do they want out of each other?

How do they interact?

What's your path?

What do they see in each other? This one is obvious, but it will inform how they treat one another. Presumably, they don't initially feel romantic. At least, not on the surface level. But they should have some chemistry. Friendship is usually the key, so how does their friendship work? Is he strong and supportive? Is she flighty and joking? How do they bounce off each other? What do they enjoy about one another?

Think about that. Make a little list if it helps. It doesn't have to be too complex. As always, you're not doing anything concrete here or binding. It's just to get you in the right headspace.

Let's make an example. Our couple are now called Rebecca and James. The first question we ask is what they see in each other. We start with the nature of their bond - they're friends.

Okay, where did they meet? Let's say they've been friends since school. Since they were kids. They're both young adults now. They've known each other for years and years.

They see each other as reliable. Friends come and go, but to Rebecca and James, the other one has always been there. They've seen through hard times, they've dealt with issues. They trust each other already on a deep level.

So we can add a second attribute to that. Not only Reliable, but also Close. Emotionally, they're very close. Maybe initially, they feel like they're siblings almost. They can share anything with one another. Their bond is based on mutual support. Whenever either of them has a problem ,the other one is there to back them up. They don't need to ask for help. They just know they have it.

This will affect how they interact with one another and how the world interacts with them. Their friends will always expect them to be together. Their families will know each of them well. They'll often group up even subconsciously when they feel threatened or in danger. They subconsciously find safety in the presence of the other.

That leads us to our second question.

What do they want out of each other? So obviously, this probably won't be ''sex'', at least at first. Though, it can be, I guess? It depends on the characters you're working with. ''Sex' can be a goal for one of them, though presumably not for both. If it was a goal for both, they'd already be having it and we wouldn't need to go through a whole subplot to make it fit.

So Rebecca and James aren't focused in sex. But this is the stage where we find out what we can take and use to guide them towards that. In their case, this is easy. Look to the last question, take your answers to that and use them again. Adapt them and evolve them.

''What they see in each other'' is what they're currently getting. ''What they want out of each other'' is what they want to get in the future. These two things will naturally be linked, but aren't always the same.

For Rebecca and James, it's companionship. Their bond is very close and they enjoy spending time with each other. They want to keep doing it. They want to have fun together. Their goal isn't exactly ''to grow closer'', but growing closer is a natural part of what they're doing.

So you see, we're already seeing how this will work! They'll spend time with each other and grow closer, and as they do, sex will become more and more likely. Eventually, one of them will cotton on, and then the fucking will start!

Well, no.

We still have two more questions to answer. At this point, what we have is a deep friendship leaning towards romance. But it's not romantic yet. You still need to know how to take this bond and turn it into something romantic and sexual in a believable way.

So how do we do that? Let's start with the next question.

How do they interact? This question leads off from the two previous ones. The first thing you're going to want to do is get a ground state. How they are before the bond turns sexual. So let's do that now. Let's review what we know of James and Rebecca. -They're close -They look out for each other and protect each other -they share a lot. -They guard each other when there is danger

So let's start with the first. They're close. Emotionally, yes. But also physically. Around each other, they probably have no sense of personal space. You should often describe them as close or interacting. Don't make a big thing of it - that's too obvious, but subtle, small things work well.

''He touched her on the shoulder and she turned around.''

''Rebecca leaned over him, her dark hair falling over his shoulder.''

''He poked her in the chest with a playful smirk.''

''She batted his hand out of the way and rushed to take the prize.''

Stuff like this. Small stuff, subtle, but pushing the fact that they're so used to one another that each of them will do stuff that would come off as seriously weird if they did it to someone else, and their partner won't even blink. Don't draw attention to it. Don't make it big. Just have it be there. Do it often enough and your readers won't have to be told they have a special bond. It'll be plain on the page.

Now, how do we take this bond and start to turn it sexual? Well, actually, pretty easily! We've established that they're close to one another, but we need to show them starting to see each other in a sexual way. There's a few ways we can do that, but I'll focus on the main two.

The first one is the shy approach, the cute, first time couple thing where you want them to be all bashful. The second is flirty, where they know exactly what they're doing and maybe they're pushing it to see how far feels like too far.

The Bashful Approach The bashful approach is most often used with younger, less experienced characters. It's what Rebecca and James would probably end up saddled with, and it's actually surprisingly easy.

Start by referring back to the previous stage. How did you show how close they are? All right, take that and twist it. Now one of them is starting to become aware of the other sexually, what does that actually mean? Well, they're confused. They've never seen their partner like this before. They don't quite know how to react. Stuff that was no big deal before is feeling kind of weird.

Like for example, if Rebecca is casual enough around James that she would change tops around him, he might suddenly feel uncomfortable with it. He probably wouldn't say it or show it obviously, but it would be there.

''Rebecca took off her top and James shifted. His eyes moved to the floor, and he felt a brush of heat against his face. He didn't know why he felt this way! He'd seen her in her bra a hundred times before!

"You okay?" Rebecca asked. "You're acting kinda off."

"It's nothing," he said, forcing himself to look at her. At her face! At her face! Nothing else! Why was he making this so weird?!''

Rebecca can also have versions of this. Remember how we said they were close? She can do something like this:

''Rebecca leaned forward, running a hand over his shoulder and resting it against his chest. Her fingers brushed his muscles, and she felt an odd sensation she couldn't quite place.

"You gonna stay there all day?" James asked. "You're been hugging me a while."

"Um," her face went red. "I'm just resting is all! You're comfy!"''

Basically, the point of both these scenes is the same. It's to show Rebecca/James noticing their partner's body in a sexual way without laying it on too thick. At this stage, you want to avoid mentioning sexual stuff directly. We're in their heads and they're trying not to think it.

Don't tell us that James is hard at the sight of her in her bra. Don't let us know if Rebecca is fantasising about his cock. At least, not yet. We're building to that, but like any reward, it has to be earned.

You don't want to hammer this stage in for too long, but it should happen a few times in subtle ways. Again, this isn't your main plot. You should have something else driving things forward. This should be happening in the background, between other scenes. The point is to build momentum, to create a sense of expectation so that when it does happen, it feels natural. A culmination of everything up to this point.

As things deepen, you can begin to be more lewd. If we're going for the shy approach, the characters should struggle against it. This is their friend! They're used to seeing them in a different light. This new one feels weird, and maybe they're a bit guilty about it.

James is used to having Rebecca as a friend, so why is he suddenly so interested in her chest? When they go swimming, why is it so hard to tear his eyes away from her hips and why is he suddenly noticing how tight her swimming suit is?

Of course, that question is rhetorical. We as the audience already know and so does James on some level. The balance here is to not make him into an idiot. The point is to show him struggling and fighting against the realisation, not make it so he doesn't see the bloody obvious. He damn well knows he's attracted to her - he's just lying to himself that he's not because he isn't ready to accept it for now.

The same goes for Rebecca. The key here is to make it more sexual gradually, by inches, as they fall deeper into their mutual attraction. Make them shy around each other, take that closeness they had before and make it a bit awkward. Don't take it away - they both value it too much. But they're also so much more aware of the other now. Of their body. And of what their bodies does for them.

At some point, you can have them start to fantasise about one another. This step isn't strictly needed - you can cut it out if you're writing a faster story, or it takes up too much space. But as a writing trick, it lets you add in some lewd scenes without racing to the climax just yet.

Have Rebecca dream about giving James a blowjob. Have her wake up soaking and confused, and then, maybe, have her masturbate. She tries not to think of him, but the memory of the dream haunts her mind and before she knows it, she's cumming to the thought of his cock in her mouth.

Afterwards, have her act super embarrassed and flustered around him. Even more funny if he doesn't know why his best friend suddenly can't even get a word in!

Same works for James. Same sort of scene. Have him fantasise about her while jerking off - say he finds some porn and the actress reminds him of her, or he accidentally begins to fantasise about her while playing with himself.

At this stage, they're still awkward around each other, but the walls are starting to come down. They want each other. The audience wants them to fuck, they want to fuck.

All that's left is the final act.

For this part, you're going to need an inciting event. If they're both shy, neither is going to want to make the first move. Even if they both want it and you've established they both want it, they're gonna have to be pushed.

How hard or gentle that nudge is depends on your characters and their personalities. For Rebecca and James, well, they're already super close, so it won't be difficult. Let's take something traditional! They get caught in heavy rain. They're absolutely soaked, so they have to run to one of their houses. It doesn't matter which.

Let's say it's James. He spends the whole time trying not to look too close at her as her clothes cling to her body. When they arrive back at his house, they have to get changed. This is where we can use that closeness from before - most girls would probably not strip down in the house of a random guy even if he was their friend. But Rebecca's known James since they were kids. She feels safe.

So she goes to the bathroom and strips. If you want to, you can build on this. James tries not to be weird about the fact that his best friend is naked only a door away. Rebecca tries not to fantasise about what would happen if she ''accidentally'' left the door open.

James has no clothes for her, but does get her an oversized top. No panties though. We can do a few things here. Either he gets her some boxer shorts or she has to do without. If he gets her the shorts, we can have her have a bit of a naughty moment and decide not to wear them.

Frame it as her being excited, embarrassed, totally humiliated by the thought of being seen… but can't help but plunge forward with it.

While her clothes dry, the two of them hang out and do friend stuff. James is super aware of her state and so is Rebecca. Play with it a bit. Don't make it instant. That's what two experienced people would do. Instead, let Rebecca and James slowly realise what's happening. That they want this. That they both want it. Have them be anxious, awkward, eventually, one of them decides to make the first move. We'll go with Rebecca, but it works equally well with either.

The first thing she does is test the waters. Have her flash her pussy, or her breasts. Something small that she can pretend was a mistake if James doesn't react well. When he does, she gets braver.

''Um, James, I've been noticing the way you've been looking at me…''

''Oh fuck, Rebecca, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! It's just, it's hard not to! Fuck, you must think I'm a total creep!''

''N-no! Nothing like that! Actually I…I was wondering if you wanted to see me with nothing on at all…''

Dialogue is important here. You want to show how inexperienced they are. They're fumbling. Awkward. There should be pauses, breaks, even misused words. Try to show that they're out of their depth.

Like I said before, the roles here can be flipped. It's not really tied to gender! Experiment and see what works best for you.

As things advance, you have to maintain the feel. Don't have them suddenly become sex bots, don't have them launch right into blowjobs or penetrations. They're new. They're fumbling, they're shy. This is the moment their relationship evolves from friendship to sexual, so you gotta sell it.

Exploration is the name of the game. You don't need intense - in fact, avoid it. Intensity comes later. That can be their second sex scene, or their third. What you're doing right now is establishing the change.

Slowly, gentle, gradual, step by step. Have them explore one another's bodies, have them find what feels good. Make them shy but eager, gradually bring that awkwardness that you've been building up into play and crack it. Bring it down. Show them gaining confidence, show the pleasure they're giving each other. Show they both enjoy it.

And at the end, the final step is showing them afterwards! If you want to sell that they're now a couple, have them cuddle, kiss, talk to each other. Realise that their lives have changed. Don't just have a sex scene and fade to black!

And that's it. More or less. What I've given you is a guide, but as always, you should take it and adapt it. It's a framework for you to evolve to your own specific needs. The general brushstrokes should work for almost any version of this shy approach, though.

After this is done, you can pretty easily switch them into relationship mode by doing more of what you were doing before. Get rid of the awkwardness, have them mentioned together, show them interacting closely. Don't ram it into the reader's face, but like, subtle touches here and there.

And more sex scenes, of course.

The Seductive Approach The second main approach is what I call the seductive approach. This is the one you'll use for characters who are more experienced with the world. Who've been around the block and who aren't afraid to face their feelings.

This one will be shorter - there's not as much beating around the bush here. The characters know what they want, they know how to get it, they know or suspect the other one wants it too.

Show them flirting.

Now, how to write flirting can be an article in and of itself, but it's not too hard! Go back to what we asked before. What do they get out of each other? What do they bond over? Take that, have them joke about it. Have them make references only the other will get. Have them be confident - not arrogant - but strong willed, show how much they know each other and how they kind of speak another language that only the other gets.

Now, just make it sexual.

Remember, these are experienced people. They know what it feels like when they have the hots for someone. And they suspect their partner likes them in the same way. So the first thing they'll do is test the ground.

Start with verbal flirting. Not too obvious, but not too subtle.

"''What do you think of my dress?'' Rebecca asked, turning back and forth. "Too small?''

''You mean do you look like you're about to pop out of it?" James asked. ''Because it looks like you're about to have a major wardrobe malfunction in front of the boss.''

''Hah. Like anyone would complain about that.''

''I mean, I wouldn't," James said evenly. ''But it might not do your career any good…''"

So here, we see a bit of interplay going on. Rebecca chooses a dress she knows is too small. She's teasing James, 'jokingly'' raising the possibility of being naked around him to see if he reacts in a way that confirms he wants it too. He has fun with it, but also verbally confirms that yes, he'd like to see her naked.

No question was ever outright asked, but Rebecca now knows the feeling is mutual and she can go a bit further. Or maybe James goes further next time? Just a bit. Don't go too far just yet. At this point, they're mostly sure, but still determining fully.

How are we going to do that? Well, let's say James wants to make the next move. He decides he's going to tease her a little.

" ''Showing off a bit, aren't you?" Rebecca raised an eyebrow as James entered the office door. ''If you're going to fight superman, he's down that way.''

''Oh this? I was working out and didn't have time to change. I figured you wouldn't mind.''

''That's one way of putting it,'' she ran her eyes along his muscular form. ''You can show up like this any time you want…''"

Again, interplay. James has taken it a step further, deliberately showing off his body and Rebecca has shown an interest. Again, nothing has actually been said, but there is a mutual understanding.

The thing about experienced couples who do this? It's a game. They're enjoying it. In a sense, they're already doing couple things. At this point, both Rebecca and James know or suspect it's going to end with them fucking. But they've both danced this dance often enough before that they don't feel a need to rush it.

So how do we move this from fake-platonic to outright sexual? Well, there are a few ways. The first is just to keep doing what we're doing, but each time, they go a little bit further. Maybe Rebecca flashes him, maybe James brings her to a fancy restaurant, but demands she come without panties. It's all a game, and they both know the moves by heart, so have fun with it.

Eventually, they just sort of get to a position where they have sex and keep going as they were. In a sense, they were in a relationship even before they had the sex scene.

Another way to do it is to have something happen that shakes them up badly. The death of a friend, the loss of a job, something of that nature. One of them comforts the other and before you know it, they're fucking.

Or, since they're both already experienced at this, you can just have them like, decide it's time to have sex. Rebecca books a hotel and tells James she'll be waiting there naked for him. James offers to give her a good fuck to help her forget a hard day, one of them intentionally loses a bet to the other. Plenty of options. This isn't like the first path where there are a ton of issues with them getting together. Here, they're both experienced, they both know what they want, and assuming there's no external problem, it probably shouldn't take them too long to hook up.

The issue with writing this version is that it comes down to chemistry. You need to make their flirting obviously fun and obviously something they're both enjoying. Make them like it. Make them love it. Do that, and your readers won't ask why they're doing it more - it'll be obvious!

And once you have that foundation, it's really not a surprise when they have sex. It's the most natural thing in the world. And unlike the other approach, in this approach, the sex does start intense. They're experienced, they know what they're doing and they've both been waiting for this. Have them fuck each other's brains out. Make them cum. Make them moan and whimper and whine. Really go at it. It's the explosive climax of what your readers have been waiting for.

And after that? Well, they can just keep on teasing each other, with maybe some dates scattered in there too. But honestly, they were dating long before they said it out loud, and your readers will know it.

[ideas2goaltech]

Breaking the Chains of Distrust: How Enterprise Blockchain Solutions Are Rewriting Business Relationships

Picture this: It’s late Friday afternoon. You've just wrapped a video call with a supply chain partner overseas. You’re confident your shipment is on track. But something doesn’t feel right. An email from your logistics team hints at a discrepancy. You call to clarify, but the line is fuzzy. A few hours later, you discover the inventory numbers don’t match. Again.

Sound familiar?

For years, businesses across industries have grappled with one shared struggle: trust. Or more precisely, the lack of it. It’s not that partners are inherently untrustworthy, but when operations stretch across borders, time zones, and technologies, information often becomes fragmented, delayed—or worse, manipulated.

Now, what if we told you there’s a technology that doesn’t just track data but makes it nearly impossible to tamper with? One that brings everyone—partners, vendors, regulators—onto the same page in real-time? That’s not science fiction. It’s the quiet revolution driven by enterprise blockchain solutions.

The Problem with Trust in Modern Business

Trust used to be built over handshakes, years of collaboration, and a few gut instincts. But in today’s hyper-connected world, business moves faster, with more complexity and higher stakes.

Companies share vast amounts of data daily—financial records, legal documents, production stats, customer info, supply chain movements. And with so many moving parts, things get... messy. Excel sheets are edited. Emails get lost. And who really knows what happened to that shipment in transit?

The result? Disputes. Delays. Lost revenue. And a massive trust gap.

That’s where enterprise blockchain solutions step in—not as a buzzword, but as a framework for rebuilding relationships on a foundation of shared truth.

Beyond Crypto: Understanding the Real Power of Blockchain

Let’s clear the air: blockchain is not just about cryptocurrency. In fact, some of the most impactful blockchain applications have nothing to do with Bitcoin or tokens.

At its core, blockchain is a digital ledger—a record-keeping system that stores information in blocks, linked together chronologically, and secured through cryptography. What makes it different is that once data is added, it can’t be changed without everyone agreeing to it. Think of it as a giant, tamper-proof spreadsheet, shared among trusted parties.

Enterprise blockchain solutions adapt this technology for the business world. They’re built to handle privacy, scalability, and governance—so that businesses can share data securely, automate workflows, and streamline collaboration without sacrificing control.

The Human Side of Blockchain

It’s easy to get lost in the technical jargon: nodes, consensus algorithms, smart contracts. But at its heart, blockchain is a very human idea. It’s about giving people and companies a shared system of truth.

Let’s say a coffee brand wants to prove that their beans are ethically sourced. With blockchain, they can trace each batch from the farm to the roaster, to the cup in your hand. Consumers can scan a QR code and see the journey themselves.

Or imagine a hospital sharing a patient’s records with another provider—instantly, securely, and without fear of data leaks. That’s the kind of clarity enterprise blockchain solutions bring.

It’s not just about being efficient—it’s about being honest. And that, in today’s business world, is a rare and powerful thing.

Real-World Stories: How Blockchain is Changing the Game

Let’s look at a few examples of blockchain in action—outside of theory, and deep in the trenches of business operations.

1. Supply Chain Transparency

Walmart and IBM partnered on a blockchain-based food traceability system. In pilot tests, the time it took to trace a package of mangoes went from seven days… to 2.2 seconds. That’s not just efficiency—it’s safety, accountability, and a direct benefit to the end consumer.

2. Finance and Reconciliation

In the finance world, cross-border payments are notoriously slow and riddled with fees. By adopting blockchain platforms, companies like JPMorgan Chase have reduced settlement times from days to minutes. It’s about trust, yes—but also speed and cost.

3. Healthcare Records

Estonia, a pioneer in digital governance, has integrated blockchain into its national health system. Citizens control their own data, can grant access to doctors, and receive alerts if records are viewed. It’s secure, transparent, and empowering.

These aren’t side projects. They’re early signs of a massive shift. A shift toward systems that are less about control, and more about collaboration.

Why Now? Why Blockchain?

Blockchain has been around for over a decade, so why is it gaining momentum now?

Simple: The problems it solves are becoming impossible to ignore.

Data breaches are more frequent.

Global supply chains are under stress.

Regulatory demands are increasing.

Consumers are demanding more transparency.

AI and automation require cleaner, more reliable data.

The timing is perfect. As businesses undergo digital transformation, they need more than fancy dashboards—they need trustworthy foundations. And enterprise blockchain solutions offer just that.

[ganymedesclock]

I wanted to ask you a voltron question, cause i know you used to be really into the show. But you don't have to, if you've moved onto other interests. But if you're willing to answer, how do you think the show handled the topic of trauma, especially when it comes to war and near-death experiences? The heroes tended to act like they were fine most of the time, as if they weren't in a really stressful, terrifying situation for a very long time.

I'm going to answer this in a way that's more general rather than specific to Voltron, but I think it is relevant.

I think two things are simultaneously true:

1. there are many action shows, VLD among them, which do not focus exhaustively on War Trauma.

2. there are many instances in fandom, VLD's among them, which somewhat obsessively over-focus on the idea of characters in trauma.

I think VLD doesn't shy away from, gloss over, or ignore, the difficulties of war. If anything, it is rather effective in being a war show, considering that it's also an action show for kids. A huge amount of Shiro's character (especially his clone self from s3-onward, who is retraumatized) depicts his relationship with trauma and how he handles this unhealthily by trying to be there for everybody to the point it takes him a painfully long time to start asking for help in s5- long after it's obvious something is incredibly wrong. There are also more subtle transitions in the story- you can tell that while Lance remains a character who loves attention and the spotlight, he rapidly shifts in how he views heroism. Early on he is characterized as a person who makes bad decisions simply because they are more glamorous (crashing the shuttle by not listening to Hunk or Pidge; taking Nyma for a ride)- by s2 he has settled into a more precise and intense sniper mentality.

I think to a degree the VLD fandom doesn't give the paladins enough credit- yes they're young, maybe a bit improbably young to people not in the target demographic- but they were all basically either students at or graduates of military school, with the exception of Allura who also clearly had combat training. These guys weren't fighting in life or death situations, but of them, Pidge is the one who is probably the most shocked to find the going getting hard, and her bitterness, frustration, and ultimately resolve also factor in here.

We see in canon that whenever someone's in the healing pod, the entire rest of the team camps around them until they wake up. This is framed as a happy, reassuring moment, but it also shows us these guys are pulling closer in the face of grief and loss. They lash out at each other. They get angry. Stresses are afoot here.

But also, it's very clear their happier behavior has a point- s2e5, Eye Of The Storm, says this about as plainly as it possibly can: the entire team is exhausted and run ragged and everybody starts wandering off to do various pastimes, more or less successfully. The point isn't that they're unfazed by what's happening- it's that they're coping.

People have extremely complicated and varied ways of dealing with stress, and, developmentally speaking, we're generally designed to put out whatever efforts we can to make things work. And I think it's ultimately a matter of personal taste if you think VLD doesn't dig into it enough, but I think that it's also the nature of fanfic, both for better and for worse, to dig way more into characters' emotional states (to the point that there are many fics- including some very beautiful fics, that I have greatly enjoyed- where the entire point is just a psychological deep-trawl of what this person is feeling at this point)

And to a certain flatly utilitarian degree, I mean, what's the alternative? We aren't turning on a colorful action cartoon looking for a long period of introspection, anxiety, and despair as our likable heroes break down under the millstone of what they're doing. That's just plain not what this show was built for. If we hunger for that, it's something we should look elsewhere for- or accept that it's not canon's flavor and make a fanwork pivoting it in that direction. As-is, canon- and things seeking to emulate canon's take on these characters- can explore more the things rattling under the surface and problems that might need to be unraveled in years to come after the series ends, while still depicting that ultimately, these guys kept going.

It's a complex dance the human psyche plays with grueling, overwhelming contexts like war. And while it may be naive to suggest you can just step lively enough to come out fine- or that any of these characters ended the story the same way they started... I've never really felt that's what VLD was going for, narratively? Their conflict is not depicted as just a fun jaunt through space. It's hard on them. But they pull together, and they grow and change, and they come out mostly okay, because it is a largely optimistic work.

[random-french-girl]

Hi! I read your analysis on leatin dynamics and I realized I do not understand Fatin’s depth, like, what is she even afraid of? What does she want? It seems that out of the girls she is the one who has no apparent fears or desires beyond sexuality and fame. It’s the piece missing for me to fully ship leatin hardcore because it’s like… they are so different you know? I would love to read your comments

Hi Anon! Thanks for the question! I’m always happy to talk about Fatin Jadmani, my beloved child. Not sure if you’re asking about her characterization in the show, or how it specifically relates to my love of the leatin dynamic, so I’ll try to answer both AND keep in short.

So, Fatin. The traits that you point out - sexuality, fame, and, I would add, wealth and physical appearance - are all true and important to Fatin’s characterization. But, like everything else we learn of the girls in their introductions, they are pretty surface-level, they are not what really matters to them, what they’re struggling with - or at least, not only. Sex and wealth and looks definitely matter to Fatin, to a certain extent, but they aren’t problems to fix - there’s nothing to figure out about these desires, nothing the show tells us needs to be challenged (at least not yet). 

But I thought her episode made it clear what she’s struggling with: Fatin is a cello prodigy, and under a lot of parental pressure, even though she’s not even sure that’s who she wants to be. She uses partying and casual sex as a way to decompress, and doesn’t form deep connections, romantic or platonic. She’s also a teenage girl who learns some shocking truths about her father, reacts inappropriately, and ends up losing not only her close relationship to her dad, but her entire family. 

So what is that Fatin fears? Loneliness and betrayal. After her father betrays her trust, after her mom betrays her too by taking his side, I think she realizes how tremendously lonely she is, and was, but also how badly people you love can hurt you. And so, to protect herself, she puts up this facade of not caring. At first, on the island, Fatin is dismissive, distant, a tad selfish - she’s superficially friendly, but miss “I don’t get tight with girls” doesn’t want to bond, doesn’t want to help out and be a part of the group. Because it’s safer that way. Of course, at the end of season 1, Fatin cares about all the girls, and takes care of them, and trusts them.

What does she want? Control over her own life, and finding her purpose. Look, the wilds is a coming of age story. It’s about growing up and surviving a deserted island a mad scientist’s evil experiment the transition to adulthood. It’s also about teen girls specifically, and how our society treats them, what it expects of them, how it hurts them. Fatin, just like the other girls, is navigating the end of her teenage-hood, and figuring out who she is, and who she wants to be, and what she’s been told she should or shouldn’t, can or cannot, do. Will she go back to the cello? Will she be the person her parents want her to be, or someone completely different, or a bit of a mix? We shall see! She is just at the start of her journey.

So yes, Fatin and Leah are very different, you’re right. But they’re also two lonely teenage girls (in a group of eight lonely teenage girls) who are slowly finding community with each other and realizing what actual, genuine love is. And they both have a complex, contradictory relationship with childishness/adulthood: both rebel against being treated as children, craving control and agency, but they also both very recently lived through an experience that signaled the end of childhood in a pretty abrupt/traumatic way (Leah because of Jeff, Fatin when she lost the ideal image of her father) and they’re both still reeling from it, and missing the safety of childhood. “I want my mom,” Leah cries, in Fatin’s arms. And Fatin replies, also crying, “me too”. 

And I, who’s also crying at this point, find this dynamic and the parallel of their narratives very compelling.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Lovebug (7/12)

Summary:  

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Notes: Feedback is very much appreciated :D

They all called her Hange. But they said her name like it was a title, like it was something that had to be said with as little chance of a slip of a tongue as possible. It was a practiced phrase, a relished sensation.

That was the first thing that came to mind when Levi started to give a little more thought to his surroundings. There was a bigger picture that could have explained such reactions. Hange was walking next to him. More importantly, next to her was Zeke, the owner of the two hectare complex housing both a sixteen floor hospital, a medical arts building and two parking lots.

And that was just one of his hospitals. Levi liked to remind himself of that, as he followed behind, a little more perceptive than usual of the stares, the whispers and the returned smiles.

Zeke was charismatic. Hange was charismatic. When they walked straight ahead, their strides confident, Levi could only gape, slowly becoming more self conscious of his own inability to keep his back straight. Suddenly, he was aware of his own inability to greet every single one of the workers by name, greet every single stranger like he had known them his whole life.

Maybe Hange did know some of them. “Hey, Hange that one patient you just talked to, is he regular or something?” Levi asked.

Hange shrugged. “No, I just met him.”

Levi hadn’t been close enough to hear the conversation but the grins exchanged, the confident tone with which Hange navigated the conversation. They had all seemed just a little too natural at first glance. She didn’t seem at all exhausted by multiple interactions in a row.

Hange had stopped just a few inches in front of Levi before turning back at him. “You seem stressed,” she commented.

Zeke went ahead, still chatting with a balding man in a business suit. He gestured in the same manner, chattered with the same confident tone.

Yes, after staring for a little longer than what could have been comfortable. Levi had to admit to himself, he was a little more stressed than usual. “I’m fine,” he said, turning to Hange, forcing his gaze on her. Averting eyes would only make the process of being stressed, more stressful.

“It sucks Erwin couldn’t come,” Hange continued.

“Erwin doesn’t know much about how the application actually works so I’ll just document what’s needed in our proposal and we’ll just need his take on prices and on budget allocation and that’s enough,” Levi explained.

“Maybe, they’ll do it over another game of golf,” Hange mused. “If we do play golf again, would you join?”

Levi raised one eyebrow at her. “Why waste your time playing golf again?”

“To close important business deals.”

“You can do it in the office.”

Hange chuckled. “You’d be surprised how many businessmen have closed deals on the golf course. Investors don’t work eight to five jobs in the office you know. A lot of them like to play a good game of golf then go into the office and sign the actual paperwork there. It builds camaraderie.”

“Is that why you know how to play? For business purposes?”

Hange nodded. “I’ve learned golf, a few gambling games to mingle. Besides, people like to know how their business partners and their fellow investors think and what better way than watching them over a few games right?”

“I’m not a rich businessman, I wouldn’t know,” Levi muttered. He walked ahead of Hange and surveyed his surroundings. There were patients, nurses, doctors and visitors. They all had their own conversations Levi would most likely never figure out the meat of. His own disconnect from them, his much closer connection to Hange and by extension to Zeke, had made him aware of the fact that he was painfully poor.

There was a wry smile plastered on Hange's face, as if she was starting to sense the discomfort herself. “Yeah, to be honest, it is a rich man’s game. Most businessmen who play golf, have shares in private golf courses or memberships and it’s customary to invite fellow business partners for a game in your home country club.”

“How much are these shares?” Levi enunciated those words just a little slower. It was an unpleasant thing to ask that only served to aggravate his own self consciousness. Somehow, he was feeling a little masochistic at that moment.

Hange shrugged. “Depends on the club. Maybe a few tens of thousands of dollars a year, sometimes a hundred.” It turned out she hadn’t noticed his discomfort or maybe he was just too good at hiding it.

Levi still attempted a light response. “Figures why I never learned how to play then.”

“Yeah, well to be honest, although I have played as a kid, I only got to play a lot more when I got together with Zeke. His family owns shares in country clubs in a lot of countries.”

It was a question of transitivity, one Levi quickly answered. And the large numbers he was starting to lose control of in his mind, had manifested as a cough, an almost painful, raspy one.

“Are you okay?” Hange asked. It had only been a week since the drowning incident at the beach. It subsided quickly after and Levi surmised that it wasn't the fault of his own poor health. It had been his own inability to fathom numbers, to comprehend wealth and his own blatant poorness that had frozen time for him.

Hospitals. Real Estate. Resorts. Country Club Shares. Although it was only a small aspect of it, his mind was also back to tasting the free flowing tea in Zeke’s private airplane.

“I’m fine,” Levi said. I just tried to mentally calculate the amount of money your husband earns and spends on a yearly basis. A mental note he added just for himself.

Zeke would obviously have a lot of money. He would obviously be faced with the problem on how to spend the money. Those were facts Levi grappled with as he took a deep breath just to clear the remnants of burns in his throat.

And those facts only made it more difficult to move as Levi stumbled closer and closer upon a burning conclusion.

Zeke was filthy rich. Zeke was powerful.

Levi was a meagre employee who made a meagre annual salary which was probably less than their pocket money for one trip to Europe.

Zeke had proven to be abrasive, just a little bit of a bastard. He proved to be somewhat unpredictable.

Levi was under his mercy, under Zeke’s very flamboyant whims. He clambered for solace elsewhere, back to Hange who had caught up to him. Hands behind her back, she continued to walk through the hospital like she was strolling through a park.

She was a good reminder that he wasn’t alone. Hange would help him through whatever whims or threats that came with taking up the business venture of a billionaire as a typical employee. As he studied Hange’s distracted expression, Levi had to admit, he wasn’t so sure where Hange stood in that whole relationship.

Zeke loves Hange. Hange loves Zeke. But how much help would Hange be to him? Even if Hange was helpful, even if she was supportive. Until when? For how long?

He soon concluded, the only thing he could be certain of was uncertainty. What would determine the success of the application, could be Hange or it could be him. The only thing he could predict or he could control would be his own actions.

It wasn’t motivation that had him moving faster. It was discipline. “Where are we going?” Levi asked, his voice more mechanical than a second ago for sure.

“Zeke’s office is on the top floor,” Hange answered.

Levi feigned understanding. Hange had said it like she had answered the question moments back. Maybe she did and he was just a little too unhinged at that moment. Besides, they were taking too many pit stops towards the office, only prolonging the grueling journey.

Hange and Zeke were talking to everyone on the way up. After a while, Levi tuned them out, willing himself to focus on something a little less stressful like how much the finishings on the hospital could have been, how much the tiled floors below him could have cost to not gather dust from his shoes so easily.

And he thought again to every single person being paid by Zeke to even be there. Time went incredibly slowly but as soon as they arrived at the front of the room, Levi could have sworn time passed way too quickly.

“Managing a hospital costs a lot of money, Levi,” Zeke explained as he stood outside the door of what could have been his office.

“I’m perfectly aware of that,” Levi responded, mustering as much ‘professional’ as he could with that sentence.

“Well, you look a little astonished, surprised? Or maybe that’s just your natural face.” Zeke said it like it was a truth that could be easily brushed off.

Somehow, that pushed a few buttons for Levi. He clamped his mouth shut, scolding himself for not even noticing that for a good few minutes that it was wide open.

That was more bait for Zeke. “Difficult to fathom eh? Just imagine some of these machines cost more money than most people would ever see in your life.”

And Zeke had multiple hospitals, more hospitals than Levi could even count with both hands and both feet maybe, and that monkey was completely aware of how much he actually had. It was in his demeanor, his approach towards others.

The door opened with a loud click and a grating creak. “It’s been a while Mr. Jaeger, Hange,” the woman on the other side greeted.

Everyone called Hange, Hange. Levi noted once again. It only seemed natural that Hange would have preferred that anyway.

Zeke went ahead inside the office confidently like he owned the place---since he owned the place. Hange gestured for Levi to follow behind and Levi used that last few seconds to spare a glance at the small girl with black curly hair, sleepy eyes and a very mature looking face.

“You’re Levi right? Zeke and Hange told me a lot about your application and we’re very much looking forward to seeing it in action.”

Levi subtly patted the phone in his front pocket, not for anyone to see. It just served as some reassurance that he hadn’t completely forgotten it at home or it hadn’t fallen off. When he spent too much time calculating numbers, calculating assets he would never own, and maybe never even fathom, he was aware that he may have been distracted enough to forget why he was there in the first place.

“This here is Pieck,” Zeke waved his hand with great flourish. Really though, when Levi was completely aware that that man most likely owned half the country, any gesture he did could be described as something overly flamboyant.

Pieck nodded at Zeke then at Levi. “I handle the psych wards here. Hange’s been requesting permission to test here and Zeke, he’s been raving non stop about your application,” she said with wonder in her eyes.

Zeke? Talking wonders about my app? Levi attempted to sneak a glance at Zeke, withdrawing it at the last minute after noticing, Zeke was looking right at him.

“There’s a lot of potential for that application,” Zeke answered. He had shifted to a more professional demeanor.

Hange nodded. “I mentioned this over email but Levi and I have been doing a lot of testing on it. This type of technology can be used to improve the accuracy of diagnosis, the effectiveness of treatments in psych wards…”

“Yes, I read your email and Zeke and I have been discussing this already.”

Hange’s eyes widened. She turned to Zeke. “You have?”

“I’ve been working with the other doctors here on getting volunteers among the kids. We currently have an emotional management program for kids and this would be a great opportunity to see the application. We could set a date for testing the application…” Pieck looked down at her tablet, sliding her finger over it.

From Levi’s own position, he couldn’t clearly see what she was fiddling with, his own tech savvy instincts though were hinting to a calendar. He continued to watch her finger slide over it, sliding across weeks or months he supposed.

More than enough time to get an application ready for testing.

“What about sometime this week? Would Wednesday do?”

“Wednesday? To test the love alarm app?” I thought we’ll be doing it now. He turned to Hange who seemed visibly confused as well.

Hange furrowed her brows. “We could test the love alarm now,” she suggested.

“Oh yes, definitely. But what about the test build of the application we requested?” Pieck asked.

“You have a test build already right?” Zeke turned to Levi. “If I remember correctly, you mentioned working on something… Hange, you’ve been neck deep on that proposal right?”

Levi opened his mouth to speak. It’s not ready. That was a lie. There was no build but Levi couldn’t even allow himself a sliver of confusion in his expression. It was a professional meeting. He was supposed to have everything under control.

“I have been working on something…” Hange started.

But it’s far from ready. We barely have anything out.

Pieck seemed too expectant. She turned her ipad over to him, clear enough for him to see. “We’ve informed the doctors of some free time around this week. It would be best to have it before most of the younger kids go on summer vacation. The cycle of our emotion management program ends this week and the doctors are already very familiar with the kids---”

“When does the next cycle end? We could get something available by then,” Levi said.

“We won’t be holding them during the summer unfortunately. We’ll be using that time to process data and results… So would December do?” Pieck turned to Zeke.

“What do you think Hange? This is one project you want to do right?”

Try another hospital. Another group of kids. Another program. Levi’s mind was racing with too many alternatives.

“Yes, but I don’t think the test application will be ready by then,” Hange argued.

“Where are you two now in the process?” Zeke asked.

The planning stages. Levi couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

“We don’t have anything worth presenting yet,” Hange said.

“Well, we’re not asking for a perfect product.” Zeke wasn’t addressing it at Hange. HIs blue eyes were fixed on Levi. When Levi found himself unable to even force a hint of indignance out of his mouth, he started to realize, those weren't just eyes. They were millions of dollars worth of investments, billions of dollars worth of assets in one long stare.

Levi tensed up on his seat. They weren’t asking for a perfect product but with that much money on the line, he didn’t have much room for his own decisions.

“You could do something right? Take some code from the love alarm just to get something ready?” Zeke suggested. They were reasonable suggestions Levi could easily expound on himself.

“What do you have in mind?” Levi forced himself to meet the man’s eyes.

“You’re the developer. I’m merely an investor.” Merely. The word, the way Zeke had emphasized it with an almost mocking tone, implied the complete opposite. “Tell me Levi, If he put his mind into it, what do you think a developer can do?”

They didn’t test the love alarm that day. Levi left the hospital two hours earlier than planned and went directly to his office.

***

He couldn’t have gone there any slower. The train couldn’t have run any slower and of course, he probably wouldn’t have wasted so much time fiddling with the key over his door knob if his hand hadn’t been shaking.

It was as if the whole world was trying to slow him down. He had two days---less than 48 hours--- to get something for testing. With the amount of work needed, the mountains of code needed to be written, copied and pasted, tested, Levi wasn’t seeing it in days, he was seeing the countdown in his head. When he stared at a clock, he was seeing numbers moving backward, sweet sweet time, pulling away from him.

Time was a precious asset, a precious resource and somehow, such a prospect had Levi clumsier than usual. He fell into the chair on his desk with a thump. He had leaned far back enough for a split second, that he had almost expected his chair to topple backwards.

He didn’t have the time to recover from such a terrifying prospect. While his hands were still shaking, his breaths coming out ragged, Levi forced himself forward. He turned on the computer, allowing himself a brief respite while it booted up.

His work computer was still one of the fastest of his kind and had only allowed him less than a minute to catch a breath. He typed out his username, password. He opened up the server manager.

Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Levi said aloud. That was what Zeke had promised them. As quickly as he repeated those requests to himself, Zeke’s other words echoed in his head, an unwelcome visitor.

You can break down the love alarm into that right? We’re not asking for a perfect application.

He took a deep breath, letting it out as a hard firm huff more than an exhale. As if the force in his chest would be enough to wake him up. The work was overwhelming. He should  be calling someone else in to help out.

There were other factors pulling him back though.

For one, it was a Saturday. He saw himself working all the way until Monday. Just recalling Zeke's face, his question had Levi’s head spinning, his hands hovering much more quickly over the keyboard.

It was a challenge from Zeke to him. And he concluded for himself, he didn’t even wanna get Hange involved.

It would be nice to have her here---. Something inside him attempted to argue.

To cheer you on? It was a selfish proposition so Levi scolded himself and concluded that a good punishment would be to just focus.

He did first what he knew best. He copied the necessary code from both the frontend and backend. He worked efficiently. While importing data, he was copying and pasting code. While booting a phone up, he was opening necessary tabs on Github and Stack Overflow.

By the time the sun was completely down, by the time his eyes started to get just a little too crusty and a little heavy, he had a sorry excuse for an interface, a sorry excuse for an API on the server.

He looked at the clock at the lower right of his computer. Eleven in the evening. How long had he been staring at a screen? It was a waste of time to calculate that, so he quickly calculated something a little more pressing.

He had far less than forty eight hours until he needed to submit something.

He had finished a framework in only a few hours but he had more than enough experience developing the love alarm to know, the hard part wasn’t in the actual building. It was in the data loading, it was in the actual testing.

He didn’t allow himself to relax. Around three in the morning, after spending hours cleaning the interface, he fell back dead on the backrest of his seat and he allowed himself a few minutes to close his eyes.

Few minutes turned into hours in a split second. He had forgotten to set an alarm. “Fuck,” Levi hissed. That word hadn’t been enough though to carry the frustration that had bubbled inside him since hearing those words from yesterday afternoon.

What can a developer do if they put their mind into it?

Hange’s words were a savior in their own way. Levi, I’m in no hurry. Take as much time as you need. They were comforting but they didn't do much to stop Levi from sitting up and going back to work.

Had it been for Zeke? Or had it been for Hange? Or had it been his own pride that had him pushing himself to restart the boot up the idle computer.

Zeke was the important stakeholder. He held the funds. Hange was just a benefactor of the funds. Ultimately, Zeke made the final choice.

He took one deep breath, letting out a shout at the exhale. He pulled himself to a kneeling position and pressed the power button on the computer. Pulling himself up by the base of the chair, he walked sluggishly towards his white board and wrote out three words, right next to each other.

Happy. Sad. Angry.

He had no time to make an algorithm. But he could make estimates. He wrote out the basic model under each word.

“When numbers are above this line, the alarm rings,” Levi muttered to himself. When he was speaking out loud, he seemed to make some sense.

It wasn’t as easy as that though. A machine learning model after all relies on probability, it relies on prediction and the only way to get the machine to figure out probabilities was to give it data to mine from.

He turned back to the computer and typed a query. Exporting the data would take a while. Another opportunity to rest.

He used that moment to take a glance at his phone. A notification from Hange was at the top of his lock screen. He immediately unlocked his phone.

5:34 AM

Ping me if you need any help.

It was just 6:30. Hange sent the message an hour ago.

5:35 AM

Sorry for checking in late. Zeke took me out for dinner

Maybe Hange had sensed the slight irritation Levi would feel at seeing the first text sent more than twelve hours since they separated at the hospital.

5:35 AM

He wanted to spend the night with me.

5:35 AM

Just the two of us.

5:37 AM

No Phones

Out of spite or out of exhaustion, Levi kept his reply stone cold and professional.

6:36 AM

Complete the table below:

Happiness: Endorphins, Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin

Anger: Adrenaline, Cortisol

Sadness: ??????

Hange’s reply came before the data export even finished

6:50 AM

Sadness: Lack of neurotransmitters.

It was a shitty reply. So Levi gave a shitty reply in return.

6:50AM

?????

Lack of neurotransmitters? Somehow, Levi didn't trust Hange to reply on time. A quick google search later and a few hours of stress later, Levi had derived the sadness model form happiness model. The models were done, they just needed to be coded.

That did nothing to placate the turmoil inside him. For some odd reason, he thought looking at his phone could pacify him somehow.

8:28 AM

Sorry Levi, Zeke took us out golfing. I’ll try to be there before lunch.

8:37 AM

Zeke’s calling the shots today :’) I’ll still try to be there before lunch.

Levi kept his reply minimalistic.

10:36 AM

K

Technically, it was already ‘before lunch’ so Levi wasn’t expecting anything. They haven’t seen each other in a while. He whispered to himself, just to placate whatever irritation had settled within him, manifesting as an almost permanent grimace as he started to code again.

Lunch came and went quickly with a half finished burger and fries and just a passing thought that Zeke and Hange were probably having a feast at whatever country club they were in.

“Be here before lunch my ass.” Levi said those last two words with bitter burning venom, loud enough to echo in his small office space. It would be nice if somehow she could hear it wherever she was. “My. fucking. Ass. ” He repeated, channelling all the irritation, the exhaustion, the impatience into three words. In another space, maybe she could have heard it. “Fuck me in the ass.” He let out another taut swear, enjoying how that at least sent a splits econd long wave of euphoria through him.

Maybe it could count as therapy if he typed out the words ‘my fucking ass’ or ‘fuck me in the ass’ to Hange’s message box. He didn’t have to send it though.

2:37 PM

Zeke wanted to go shopping. I swear I tried to leave.

Fuck me in the ass. Levi typed. Under it, he typed something else.

Lunch time. My. Fucking. Ass.

It would have been nice to send out. For at least a few second, it sounded like a good idea to send it. Levi had enough self control though and he had enough forward thinking skills not to send it. The profanities on the message box were enough to at least calm him down.

No, you haven’t seen your hubby in a while. Take your time :-)

Was the sarcasm apparent? He focused for a little longer on the smiley face at the end.

4:35 PM

No, you haven’t seen your hubby in a while. Take your time :-) :-) ;-)

Then he added two more just for authenticity's sake. And he went back to coding, assuring himself that the burger and the regular fries would be enough to last him until he finished the damn application.

7:30 PM

Levi! You want anything for dinner?

Levi saw that message in between reviewing a hundred compiler warnings all on the same line of code. He ignored it. Instead, he decided sending himself a pull request and reviewing the code himself as a mental exercise was a better use of his time.

8:47 PM

Hey, I might be a little late. We went out to dinner but I bought you take out. :D How are things going?

Despite the compiler warnings, the code managed to compile, so Levi allowed himself the luxury of a quick break.

10:10 PM

Fine.

After replying, Levi sat up from his seat, shifted his weight to his legs one by one. The window was a good few feet away but he saw that as a good chance for exercise. He opened the window, allowing the fresh air in, first as a weak wave only thin enough to fit through the peek. He opened it a little wider, popping his head through the gap, noting how the streets were completely empty. He stared back at the clock on his computer screen.

Ten on a Sunday evening. Typical.

He sat back on the chair, with a loud and firm plop, freezing for as long as it took for the chair to stop shaking. He leaned back and pulled the test device from his drawer. A part of him was tempted to close all the Stack Overflow and GitHub tabs.

He wasn't ready to call it a day though. He didn’t trust his ability to code anything accurately with that short of a time frame.

A few minutes later, the APK file was loaded. He booted up the application, stifling a cringe at the shitty interface.

The shitty title screen with the shitty plain white background flashed on the screen.

ALAR

M

He wasn’t particularly good at front end and UI engineering so he closed his eyes and begrudgingly whispered to himself Zeke's words. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Really though, it would have been nice to submit a perfect test application. Just to show up Zeke. Just to impress Hange. It would have been great and Levi allowed himself a grin as he leaned back on the chair and stared at the ceiling.

A good few hours later, he started to test. Soon after, he started to theorize something else. Maybe he jinxed it. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so hopeful.

Suddenly, he was scolding himself for just being a little too ungrateful at the shitty user interface. His mind continued to wander, his threads of imagination continued to wind, interweaving against one another, tightening to uncomfortable knots in his brain. And suddenly he was scolding himself over the hundreds of compiler warnings he ignored.

The application should alarm when someone angry, sad or happy holds it. That was how he programmed it.

Or at least, that was how it was supposed to work. When his brain was muddled with confusion and eventual frustration, heavy with tension, he took a quick break to stare at his phone.

11:58 PM

Zeke got a little drunk. I just have to bring him home.

Levi decided then, (and he was certain of it), he’d rather not have Hange there.

11:59 PM

No need to come here. Go take care of him.

His phone volume had been set to the lowest level. Just in case, Levi put his phone on silent as well.

He turned his attention back to the test device. “Come on, fucking hell. Work.” Levi hissed as if the code, the computer understood anger, as if it understood frustration.

“It’s the exact same fucking code. I just changed the algorithm,” Levi said louder, as if the code understood verbal arguments.

All to no effect. So he went back to the compiler warnings.

1:38 AM

Just tucked Zeke in bed. I’m taking a cab now. I swear, I’m really on the way now.

Levi had conveniently checked his phone around the time Hange texted. He had been checking the phone anyway in ten minute intervals.

1:39 AM

No need.

He started to use his own phone for testing, just in case a diffeent device suddenly made everything work. Besides, he liked to see the notifications there. He liked her messages. Yet at the same time, he didn’t want her there. Frustrated and confused, he slid his phone towards the end of the desk and it hit the wall with a resounding clatter, loud enough to make Levi wince.

He slipped out of the chair and onto the floor with a crash, loud enough to rival the impact of the phone on the wall just a second ago. His back was sore, but still he couldn’t help but entertain the thought that he would have been willing to experience that again, just to get the application to work.

You’re angry now right? He asked himself, as he held the test device in front of him.

The alarm didn’t ring.

You’re sad? Right? He was sad. He was sure his eyes were red rimmed from lack of sleep. His eyelids were a little crusty for sure. And as the application stayed silent, stayed inactive even when it was right in front of him, even when he had dropped almost painfully on his face, the phone remained silent, still.

Maybe his application was an idiot. Maybe it fell for fake smiles. So he forced a smile then, as he pressed his back on the ground, stretched his legs forward and stared at the ceiling above him.

Silence.

He broke the silence himself, with one grunt as he slammed the phone on the floor next to him. “Fucking hell.”

The one curse had him reflecting. How angry was he? Who was he angry at? And why wasn’t the alarm going off?

Anger was a negative feedback loop. The more he let his anger take over, the more frustrated he became. Then the more the device should have rang but it didn’t. Then the more frustrated he became.

The frustration should have been enough to make it ring. If it had been working correctly.

Eventually, the anger became strong enough to take control elsewhere. It pushed him to turn towards the desk, push himself up, just high enough to be able to stretch his hand up and pull his own personal phone back down with him on the floor. He lay back down on the floor, raised his phone on front of him and booted it up. He turned on the application and looked through it again.

No response.

Happy. Sad. Angry.

No response for any of them.

A banner appeared, falling over the application.

1:59 AM

Levi, I’m here, where do I go?

No need. He willed himself to type it again. He didn’t want her there, but he did. Conflicted feelings had him frozen on the floor, the phone just above him, his eyes fixed on the screen.

If Hange came, then she came. Who was he to stop her?

2:00 AM

Do I go to your office??

2:05 AM

If you don’t answer, I’ll just assume you’re in the office.

2:07 AM

Even if I waste my time, It’s my fault anyway.

2:07 AM.

I’m sorry.

Hange wasn’t in any obligation to be there anyway. She was an investor, not an employee, he reminded himself. He was watching the banners shift like he was watching paint dry. The former though was far more interesting. More than interesting. It was a relief. It was a consolation.

It was home. In the dim room, all alone, he wanted her there. By god, he wanted her there.

There were footsteps and they quickly got louder, the sound of a bag hitting the door, then the sound of the rustle of belongings.

He had left the office door unlocked at least and she was impolite enough to barge in. He liked her impoliteness, it had just made everything flow much better.

He followed her with his eyes, as she slipped through the crack of the door. He watched closely as her face shifted from that of pure surprise, worry… Then pity.

Was that pity? Did he look that pathetic?

“Hey, are you okay?” Hange asked.

“Tired,” Levi answered. He gave her a once over, allowing himself a sliver of a smile at her cocktail dress, the jacket over her, the light make up on her face, the golden studs on her ears. God she was beautiful. “Fun night?”

She nodded. “Zeke wanted to have fun tonight. I humored him by tagging along,” she said lightly.

He’s a lucky man. “Must have been fun.”

She put a hand to his face, and gave him a light slap. “I brought takeout, some sandwiches. Did you have dinner already? We can have it for breakfast.”

She had slapped him hard, not hard enough to leave him burning definitely, but still, he felt some heat resonate from his cheeks. “I tried,” he muttered.

“Tried what?” Hange asked.

“Building the app.”

“Levi, don’t kill yourself over it. You could have asked Petra, Gunther, Eld or Oluo for help right?” It was just like Hange to mention their names like she knew them her whole life.

“They’re on leave.” It was a natural excuse and that had been one reason why he refused to ask for help. He surmised that maybe some of it had been more than that.

“I tried to ask for an extension from Zeke,” she said.

“How did that work out?” It was a half assed response at best. He didn’t want the extension.

“He said no. He expected a lot from you. Besides, he promised the hospital already… Without consulting us.”

"Without consulting us?" Levi repeated. He slammed his fist down on the floor. "Fucking hell."

"Yeah, it's our fault. Zeke did that. I should have helped you and I know I made you wait…" Hange's voice was warm, it was a melody to his hears. ".. .so when I was stuck with Zeke, I made a few calls, picked this up from a good friend of mine." She pressed something cold into his palms.

He didn't even have the energy to crane his neck.

"It's a USB, with data from previously made research, on neurotransmitters, responses from people who've taken tests. I thought it would help build the app so I made a few calls and --"

"I'm done."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm tired."

"Hey, we could cancel tomorrow. I'll just tell Pieck. We can rebuild the app, focus on getting something out."

"Hange, I'm done."

"You're giving up?" There was a crack in her voice, something that sent a twinge to him

He let out a soft chuckle. "No. I managed to make something.”

Hange's eyes widened, a smile curled up her lips. “You’re kidding.”

“But it barely even works."

"What makes you say that?"

"It doesn't ring."

No matter how angry, no matter how sad, no matter how happy, it didn't ring. The algorithm was broken. That had been Levi's conclusion. The same conclusion he had come across when they had tested the love alarm again a few days back.There were just too many compiler warnings maybe?

Hange wasn't a developer and maybe that's why she had been a little hopeful. "I'll test it out, send me the file?"

One APK file later, a few clicks on the phone, and the alarm rang in the dim narrow room.

It made his head pound, but still, it was music to his ears. He had been too tired to even let out a strong exhale, a sigh of relief. "Are you happy? Sad? Angry?" He whispered.

"It says here, I’m happy," Hange answered.

"At least we know it works," Levi said.

"Why don't we try yours again?" Hänge pulled his hand up, guiding the phone back in between his finger tips.

"It didn't work the first time," Levi argued.

"Again." Hange was insistent and at that moment, she was much stronger than he was.

He unlocked his phone, and opened the application.

"Turn on the alarm," Hänge said.

He didn't need guidance, he made the application after all. Her voice had been coaxing, she had made everything go smoother in her own way.

He dropped the phone on his chest, stared up at the ceiling, frozen as the phone vibrated in his chest. "What does it say?"

Hange let out a short laugh. "This application can read multiple feelings at the same time? Is this expected behavior?"

"Why?"

“It says you're angry."

"I'm tired. Of course I'm angry."

"And sad," Hange added.

" Oh really?" Something started to sting at his eyes.

"And guess what, it also says you're happy."

"Am I?" Levi asked. All he could feel then was relief, relief that in the end it had alarmed. "I guess that means we're at least kinda ready for tomorrow…" He could have said more, if his voice didn't crack.

"Hey, rest. It doesn't look like you slept well."

"I slept a bit last night."

"People need at least six hours of sleep at night… and really, Levi you don't look so good."

He didn't need to see it to understand. His eyes were heavy, his rims were prickling at one another and one cheek was wet, and it brought the 'wet' all the way down to his chin, in one straight trail. A few more soon followed.

Sad. Angry. Happy. But he liked to think he was just exhausted. That feeling loomed far above the others anyway.

It rang for no reason then. He concluded. Maybe it was a bug. After all, how did something just start magically working after not working for hours before that?

Hange spoke up again in the slience. "Hey, are you crying?"

He only noticed it when she asked. His mind was quick to explain it. "Sometimes, people tear up when they're sleepy right?"

***

Hange was there when he woke up and he was glad to see her. Her eager presence was a reminder enough that she didn’t have to be there.

“Happy Monday!” Hange chirped joyfully, as if that had been the best thing to say while Levi was still getting used to his surroundings.

He never completely got used to it. The back of his head was throbbing from having fallen asleep on the hard wooden floor. The front of his head pounded. He couldn’t even lift his head without feeling some protest from his back. A light prickling sensation had settled on his fingers, all extending from an ache in his wrist. “Happy Monday,” Levi muttered. Was she mocking him?

“Sorry, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to move you,” Hange said wryly.

Not moving him might have been the better option. He barely got any sleep at night. In the small office, if it were between falling asleep sitting down on a comfortable chair, falling asleep on a floor, the floor won by a little more.

The phone sat on his hand, cold and hard. Levi pulled it up to his face to check the time.

6:30 AM. Work starts at eight. Fuck. He forgot to deploy application changes the night before.

“You should take a leave.” Hange could have been reading his mind or the stress could have just been apparent in his heavy eyelids and his voice, a hoarse whisper.

“What makes you say that?” Levi asked. He had hoped to use that moment to prove how okay he was. Sitting up was enough to leave him wincing, dealing with his exhausted body that had protested such a simple movement.

“You don’t wanna take one?”

“I forgot to deploy the changes. We’re supposed to do a sanity check today,” Levi said.

“Do it over breakfast?” Hange suggested, pressing a brown paper bag on his hand. "I brought sandwiches from last night."

“You know you can go home now. We can meet later at the hospital.”

“I wanna have breakfast,” Hange said, her voice firmer than a second ago.

“Go have breakfast with Zeke.”

Hange’s face was like that of a wounded puppy. It came quickly as a flash before shifting to something a little more sly. “I’ll take you out to tea? You never had your tea time at the country club.”

It could have been tea or maybe it was the efforts Hange had taken to insist. Sometimes, insisting was more than enough. Particularly then, when he was overwhelmingly and unbearably tired.

“What do you have in mind?” Levi asked.

“We can see what’s open,” Hange answered.

He let out a sigh, as if deciding to take a break was the hardest thing he could have done. All for the sake of one Hange Zoe. On the contrary, it was a surprisingly easy decision to make.

Levi opened up the messaging application on the phone, running his mind through quick calculations. Three hours. Just enough time for quick tea, enough time to get home and shower and get back to the office by ten.

Running late. Deploy fixes to production. We sanity check when I get to the office at around ten.

He sent over that message to the group chat of his own team, making sure to tag Eld and Petra.

He felt a little guilty but something else won over. A weak suggestion, heavily supported by his sore back, his swollen eyes and his trembling hands. Maybe he deserved a break.

***

They moved the goalposts. Levi was in no shape to brave the public transportation crowds on a Monday morning with a total of less than six hours of sleep the past few hours while his mind was complete mush at having coded an entire application himself.

Hange had alternatives. “I could have called a car to pick us up.”

Alternatives Levi wasn’t completely in good terms with. “No thank you, I’d rather not impose on your dear husband.” On top of that, he wanted his tea now.

The only shop which sold tea the least painful walking distance away was the convenience store just outside the building grounds. The convenience store had enough variety that he could be at least a little creative with his breakfast.

Paper tea cup in hand, Levi popped open the cup, He had asked for an extra large cup for one reason.

The green tea bubbled inside the container and Levi was a little adventurous that morning and maybe a little crazy. The past two days were crazy. He reminded himself, obliterating the guilt and the fear of risking his own health and sanity.

He poured ten shots of espresso onto the cup of green tea. He couldn’t be too sure how it would taste. Then he remembered, no one actually drank caffeine for the taste anyway. He drank half of it in a gulp. It could have been the bitterness that burned, or the actual heat of boiling water. When he was still making a conscious effort just to be aware of the streets in front of him, just to stay sitting up on the pavement, he couldn’t be too sure.

He took a big bite of his sandwich to drown it out. Then another. Then two more before crumpling the brown paper bag and pocketing it.

Hange humored him, sitting down next to him on the pavement just in front of the convenience store. She was still in her cocktail dress, a jacket over it. The corners of her eyes were still a little darker from the make up from last night. She looked ridiculous, like an overgrown teenager out on a wild night and had failed to get home on time.

His mind was running on too many scenarios, a total waste of brain power. The espresso would kick in eventually. And maybe it had been the espresso that had him suddenly laughing like an idiot.

Or maybe he was going crazy.

“Are you okay?”

He probably was going crazy. At that point, Levi was already skimming the stages of acceptance. “Where the fuck did you even go last night?”

Hange sighed. “Drinking, a little gambling. Zeke wanted to celebrate the new deal. ”

“And that’s why you played golf that morning. ”

Hange hummed in response. “Zeke and Erwin played. I probably would have invited you but yeah, with the application… Would you have had time?”

Somehow, Levi was slightly offended that they hadn’t even invited him. He blamed the caffeine. “Really? Well, fuck it. I don’t even play golf.” The caffeine continued to bubble, the irritation followed suit. “I’m sure they had a good sleep the past few nights,” he added.

“Well, they can’t do what you did.”

“Who cares? I’m at the mercy of money--- Zeke’s money. Rich people like to throw around orders then money,  as if money’s just magic. As if developers --- employees are just bunnies or trick monkeys.”

Hange put up her hands in surrender. "You have every right to shit on rich people."

Levi dropped his shoulders and leaned back on the wall. “What can I do when millions of dollars are on the line?”

“You could have said---”

“Said no? And what? Risk losing this deal?” Risk losing you?

“I told you before, this is my pet project. This is my timeline. I can decide how long it takes. Zeke just wants---”

"Wants what?" Levi challenged.

It was a challenge for Hange but it looked like the world was on a mission to accept it. "Hange, what are you doing here?"

It took Levi a few seconds longer to put two and two together. After all, imagining that big ham of a voice within proximity of a place that sold teabags by the dollar was preposterous even for him.

"Zeke, what are you doing here?" Hange asked.

"Just need to drop a few legal documents at Erwin’s office. I saw you two on the way here, in a convenience store parking lot of all things?" His voice was judgemental, as expected. Still it was softer than that of two days ago.

It was easy for Levi to surmise that the blonde was most likely nursing a hangover. He relished the view of Zeke struggling to approach them. Misery loved company after all. Zeke’s gait was a little slower and if Levi squinted, he was sure the ungraceful wobble would have been more laughably noticeable.

“Right, you had the lawyer look over it already?”

Zeke nodded. “I’ve set up a post dated check.” He turned to Levi. “You’ve finished developing a build for testing?”

Levi managed a nod, closing his eyes as he did, to alleviate the pounding. And of course the irritation.

Zeke had been professional about the question. Levi couldn’t help but sense entitlement in it. When he was in a bad mood, any request reeked of entitlement. He spent a good few seconds after, reminding himself, Zeke was paying millions for it, and deserved every right to ask questions and expect.

“Zeke…” Hange sounded, almost breathless. “This is more money than I expected.”

How much money? Levi didn’t wanna know but from the tremble in her hands, her wide eyes, Levi didn’t think he even wanted to know.

“Think of it… as compensation for forcing you to delay your PhD,” Zeke said. “That was your plan before we got married right?”

PhD?  Now that he did think about it, Hange mentioned something about delaying a PhD, all to marry Zeke.

“Yeah, if this study… this testing goes well, I could publish it for my doctorate degree,” Hange said, a ghost of a smile on her lips. A ghost of a smile for just a second. It soon got wider.

Levi only noticed a second later, his mouth had gone the opposite direction as realization dawned on him.

Right, Hange wanted to do research.

Right, Hange wanted a PhD.

And Zeke was the one who had put everything together for him at that moment. “This is your dream right?” He pressed the cheque deeper into her palms.

Hange nodded. Was that the first time he had ever seen her struggle to find the right words?

The hints were all there. The pet project. The doctorate. Hange Zoe who was just a little too interested in neuropsychology.

Why didn’t you tell me this was your dream? This was your PhD? It seemed most criminal that he couldn't even put two and two together. Levi would have wanted to scream back then. He wasn’t in any position to break anyone’s good mood though. Hange’s smile was too wide, her eyes too bright.

“I have a meeting at nine. Breakfast?” Zeke asked.

“I had something to eat already,” Hange said. “But we could get a quick brunch.”

Zeke turned back to Levi. “You’re free to join us.”

“No, I have work at ten,” Levi said. “I’ll see you two later, in the hospital.”

“I’ll see you later.” Hange gave Levi a softer smile, one just for him. He couldn’t read too much into it then. Still, he continued to stare, as she turned back and got into the car.

Zeke stayed outside for a second, leaning on the door. His eyes fixed on Levi’s.

Tired eyes on tired eyes. Levi though wasn’t sleepy enough to hear those last few words.

“Levi, thank you,” Zeke said.

Levi was taken aback for just a second at such a seemingly uncharacteristic expression. Fortunately, pleasantries were basic and automatic if he just put on the right facade. “You’re welcome.”

He watched Zeke get into the car and he stood still for a second longer, watching the car get smaller before it turned the corner of the parking of their building. He started to reflect while recalling the interactions until then. He should have been somewhat grateful for the pleasantries exchanged. After all, the man was worth billions and there weren’t many who did receive the honor of being personally thanked by billionaires.

Somehow, that exchange had only made him sadder. Hange being there next to him suddenly going absent had only made him lonelier. He gulped the rest of the concoction of a while ago, coughing out the bitterness, shaking his head to feel that last buzz.

He checked his phone. 8am. He needed a shower before work but his legs were deadweight.

So he called a taxi, not bothering to calculate the cost. After all, he did deserve a break.

[gossiprry-backup]

anons, please teach us more on tarot/astrology <3//

Oh mod you’re opening a can of worms!!! Astrology is so complex. Everyone should start with knowing all your planet placements. You need your birth time, date and place. I use Astro.com. Basically your sun sign which is what most people know is just the surface and it’s the side you show externally most. You have your moon which is your more private/emotional self. Venus placement deals with how you are in love. Mars is aggression passion and what motivates you. Jupiter has to deal with areas of natural gifts and luck. Mercury is about mental capacity and communication. Neptune is about spirituality and dreams/delusions. Uranus is about unexpected changes. Pluto is the planet of transformation/deep change. Rising sign is how people think you are on first impression or how people perceive you (in esoteric or soul based astrology your rising sign is your souls path) then you have your MC which deals with career and the opposite is IC which is about home life. You also have your nodes. South node shows energy from past lives and what you bring to this life and North Node shows where you are trying to go in this life. Each house has energy of the corresponding sign and each have their own purpose (so first house is Aries and has some of that energy and deals with the self). There are three types of astrology— esoteric, western and Vedic and they all have differences. Then you have synastry which is when you compare two natal charts to see how the two individuals energy interacts. You also have a composite charr which is the energy of the relationship. This is a brief over view but there’s so much.

I also encourage people looking to understand themselves more to look into MBTI, human design, and Enneagram. All of these are tools to understand your energy and what is going on within you. Once you know what is yours it’s easier to see what isn’t yours. After you learn you start getting a hang of understanding the energy at play. It’s very helpful.

This is basic overview. There’s transits, progressed charts, also a chart ruler which is what energy is most present based on connections between planets and where you have a lot of planets. I love astrology and highly recommend everyone look into.

this is so confusing but cool. aries is the best.

[mc-critical]

I love to boring you but what do you think of Murad IV in MC:Kosem ? I really like him but he seriously need of a therapy with a psy *a great one !* and i don't think he treated Ayse (or Farya !) correctly ! He is trash (more trash than any others characters i think) but i also like her complexity. How do you find him ? Do you think he deserve more recognization like Selim or not at all ?

I don't like him one bit as a person. He's problematic, hypocritical and abusive and his actions go beyond every sort of justification, no matter how much he tries to justify them himself. However, he is interesting and complex as a character and you can still see where he comes from and how do his beliefs unfold. He clearly has a detailed arc; and that arc causes him to be way more paranoid, way more selfish, way more overindulgent, which was to his detriment.

Let's face it: the show portrayed him as a very bad ruler (I spoke about why here) and from what I've read, historically, he isn't any better, either. I don't know what does he deserve to be recognized for, aside from the conquering of Baghdad, which did nothing to absolve his crimes in the show, aside from how well-written he is. Any possible redeeming quality of his is destroyed by all his problematic actions piling in and all we've left is a nuanced exploration of his problematic traits. With MC Selim we have a much more understandable circumstance, the child neglect which explained his drinking and lay low tendencies and why it looked like he didn't care for what the other brothers did. Thing is, Selim arguably wasn't all that problematic at first (the provocations between him and Bayezid were more mutual than anything else) and what really pushed him to "villainy" was the death of Mustafa and Cihangir, the complete destruction of the concept of brotherly love in his head. His redeeming qualities were as balanced as his "villainy" and you see within how human he is and how everyone around him who wasn't Nurbanu did somewhat screw him over from the start. The nuance is on his entire persona, not on his problematic deeds. I do believe that MC Selim's writing should be way more respected, because of all the nuance. I don't think he's fit for a padişah in the show, but he isn't some cardboard cutout who only drinks and schemes. He has actual issues, desires, sensitivity, vulnerability and compassion. Murat is a different kind of a character. He's both a bad ruler and a horrible person, he doesn't really have a transitional point to begin his problematic deeds, since he's like this in the beggining. He has his reasons in his backstory, but they recontextualize his paranoia, not what comes out of this paranoia. His transitional point was more him getting even surer of his beliefs than beggining a path of ruthlessness. Worse, it strips him from any possible scruple he had deep inside and what we would see from this point on is his further moral descent and nothing else. He has two areas of justification: a fragment of his past and the "Shadow of God" mentality that only ring more shallow the further we go. (it's fascinating writing-wise, but that's about it.) With Selim at least we have his motives becoming stronger the more we go and watch him succeed. They're different thematic explorations altogether and one of them isn't much on the sympathetic or deserving of recognition spectrum by design.

What I like the most about Murat's writing is that no matter how strong and dangerous it is, his paranoia comes from a real place. While with Süleiman we only had hints of said paranoia in a few flashbacks, with Murat we had an actually devastating, shown on-screen event that had the harder job of making such sudden by the show change more believable. Murat, for whatever he is, is shown a tiny bit of understanding by the script when there actually are people actively working behind his back. Süleiman assumes he's been betrayed, but since the events that open his paranoia are mostly events molded or completely taken out of context and no one actively works behind his back until much after said paranoia was allowed to occur (even Mustafa's organization worked primarily against Hürrem, not SS, one attempt to kill SS aside, which the object of his paranoia saved him from!!!!) - we, as audience, have no reason to buy it whatsoever, which brought the understanding for SS soo down for me. But Murat's paranoia made him go way out of proportion to the point he went even further than SS by willing to end the whole state so he could be there and rule. And just like SS, his paranoia quickly became all selfish in nature to the point of alienating everyone around him who wants to give him decent advice and thinking himself as right all the time. He wanted to be a lone wolf, driven by toxic masculinity from the start. And him feeling overshadowed by Kösem... no matter how understandable it has the chance to be because of the time period, made him blind and instead of gaining experience in order to rule unscathed and firm, he decided to fixate himself on the past and on his role and possible deep-seated resentment of his mother, he made all the wrong decisions in every aspect of his life.

His anger issues are especially illuminating, since he tends to lash out on the slightest thing gone wrong, to the point of exercising physical violence. His anger probably stemmed from how he could only watch during Osman's death and the subconscious blaming of Kösem because of it, along with Musa's death and them not giving him time to shine, something he thought belonged to him and was his right, but by ruminating on all this, he, once again, focuses on his own feelings and own world, he, once again, reaches devastating extremes. Anyone who ever tries to defy him suffers from this. Anyone who tries to defy him is evaluated by how much he's fitting for his mold, for his world, something far beyond a wish for loyalty.

He didn't love any of his women, IMO. His physical violence and abuse was highlighted by his dynamics with them the most and he always decided on the harshest punishments when it came to them. One might argue that his relationship with Farya played its part in somewhat humanizing Murat and disguising this overally questionable at its impossibly best love story for ratings and stuff, but the more we went, the more abusive it got and Farya could never get over his unpredictable and turbulent nature that strived to strictly control every single thing that was close to him to toxic levels. I won't even begin with how he treated Ayşe, because that was such a trainwreck and she deserved much better than to constantly fear for her life, because this guy could go immediately crazy and kill her and her kids. With Sanavber it was only slight infatuation and that's all for me, because in that point, I doubt this guy was capable of love. One Murat went and there came the other before Sanavber arrived and Murat was on the path to become his cruelest self.

All in all, I don't mind anyone going out there and trying to explore him ( in fact, I would actually love such discussions!), but he's hot trash, he should die in fire along with Süleiman and I'm struggling everyday to declare which one is worse in my book, because they suck the same for me, but in different ways. I appreciate their narrative roles, but otherwise... screw them both.

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall