#Yay for autistic burnout

[yourundead]

Working almost 10 hour shifts the last 2 days and finally day off tomorrow and I feel like

[dreamlandcreations]

Burnout recovery (?)

It took me a while to figure out why I was so down all the time. But I didn't take the "good news" that well tbh. Because:

"It takes an average time of three months to a year to recover from burnout. "

And I was like. NOPE. FUCK. THAT!

Well, the first few days after that were even worse because I kept pressuring myself to do something, anything other than lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. But even something as so no energy "task" as listening to music was making me... idk how else to say it other than itchy...

Anyway, eventually I just gave up, let it consume me and slept away like 2 days... AND GUESS WHAT? I felt a tiny bit better.

So I'd say the first step is just LET IT ALL FUCKING GO! Turn the nagging in your head off and stop caring about anything else than getting a good rest!

My work drove me insane for the last 3 years or so and tbh it took over my life far, far sooner than that. It wasn't healthy. Letting that go took like 2-3 weeks ( I had "help" from other tortured colleagues 🫶 talking helps!) and a lots of Youtube shorts about "this is business not personal". Yay to scrolling paralysis.

Yeah, and about that. I realised that with the burnout I really burned all the bridges that kept my autistic/adhd traits in check. I mean, I used to have a good balance, now I'm off the scale with both in the worst way.

I think the second step is just trying to stay in that kind of relaxed, "don't care" space while figuring out the reasons why I felt so terrible. Again, Youtube shorts about autism/adhd and work mentality really helped. It was like talking to someone without actually getting myself together enough to open up about this to a "real person" (it never would have happened, you know).

And this is the part from where this might not help anyone who doesn't have adhd (and autism?) but realising that I've become a shell of adhd behaviour was actually a big step. Especially with the adhd/autism traits comparison vids bc I just understood how I was functioning when I was doing all that stuff at once.

The next step(s) I took was trying to take care of myself. Eat, sleep, wash, clean up to feel better in my skin and in my environment. I made it a challenge (chasing dopamine seems to be the only way adhd brain can do stuff). Like I'll put on this song ( I wasn't really listening to it still) and do .... until it's done. It did not help at first. Just getting into a task without thought doesn't work for me. I needed to take a minute and visualise that I'm going to do this and this and this and I'll be done in 3 minutes. I prepared for the task mentally, I hyped myself up then I did it. And it worked. Then I got too much into it and overworked myself 😅

However cliché it sounds, the key is finding balance.

Now I can listen to music, I've read 14 books this year so far and reading 5 others now, and I'm planning my year and thinking about what I want to do in life.

I still have bad moments/days and that's okay. I am still not okay but I'm getting there.

I figured, I need to occupy (not overwhelm!!!) my senses to stop my mind from wandering (and torturing me) so now when I have to do something like dishes, I just put on an audiobook and try to let everything else go.

I still can't watch movies/shows. Which sucks bc I feel like I need visual stimulation too sometimes so idk what's up with that but it's a no for now.

Writing is still a NO! (that's a screaming no in my head). But I started to write down ideas again (something I didn't really do for months)

What I know would improve my health and most likely my mental state is regular exercise, but I'm not there yet. I still regularly skip/forget to eat more than once a day so that's a priority.

It's also difficult to leave the house tbh. The outside world is overwhelming and I don't go out if I don't have to (which is like once a week now).

What I do know is that if you want to do something DO NOT SIT DOWN! You'll never get it done. There's no "in a minute" or tomorrow. If you want it done, do it now.

I'm working on building a structure/routine in my daily schedule that gives me a guide so I wouldn't waste my days but doesn't limit or outright strangle me with too many limitations by being to crowded.

[babyilluwu]

I'm adding so many academic events on my calendar it's almost like I'm promising myself I'll quit being an easily burnt out autistic gal in 2 months

In addition to my 2 classes a week (3 hours each + LOTS of reading) I'm here planning to attend 2 events in September and 3 in October (each with a different 10~15 presentation + an overall duration of 2 to 4 business days). And hey NONE of that happens in my hometown, not even my regular classes yay. Only ONE event is online 😭 (hybrid actually).

AND I also have to send in academic articles for 2 different books in September 1st and 30th, respectively.

[weepingpussywillowtree]

If you've been following the saga this project in its previous form was eaten by carpet beetles while it sat in my closet during autistic burnout. I'm still in burnout but starting to engage in interests again a bit and eat more textures than just soft pasta 😩

New yarn lives in the freezer along with the WIP, in addition to more frequent vacuuming, and we move out of this horrible place in t-minus two months! No more roaches, mice, beetles, bees in my ceiling, and gunfights outside my door.

Anyways, the new yarn is a merino and angora blend, and it's in a more neutral brown so I can wear this shrug over more of my wardrobe when it's finished. I'm about halfway to where I was before, yay!

[findmeinthefallair]

I've had to halt work in the meantime (not that I was earning nearly as much as I hoped..yay) coz the depression would technically count as severe now (I checked WebMD). It's scary that none of the other professionals trying to help me have made me feel better. Maybe this developing country just isn't ready to deal with AuDHD clients yet.

And I'm just not one of the lucky ones. It looks like most people are, but I am not. And this ain't the Boiling Isles.

Like, I took a risk to work as a mental health professional...however, I didn't find out that I was struggling with ADHD burnout and autistic burnout (like, 3 decades' worth of it without it being accommodated or treated..instead I was misdiagnosed or just viewed as having a bad attitude) until after I was licensed. That..has led to a whole host of problems.

It's been a gradual downhill slide since last November, I'm not sure if it's even getting better. Worst of all, I confess that my connection with blorbo Hunter has been fizzling out. It's caused me a ton of stress :S I hung on till 8th April to post my anniversary art, but I think I need to step back and just stick to FFXIV stuff until I start to connect with the blorbo again. Coz I feel that he and everyone else have run off ahead, while I'm trying not to be crushed by depression rubble and am trying to crawl and pull myself out. And other people don't know how to get me out. (Is this a Sword in the Stone type of situation where only I can pull myself out..? Sigh)

I'll do my best to hang on. Hell, I've chosen this year to visit online friends around the world since every other area has crashed and burned so far. I'll be able to make it till then, maybe I could find inspiration again.

For now FFXIV is my main lifeline..I should also start Dungeon Meshi and other stuff..and I really appreciate every word of encouragement people have sent me in the past months. Stay safe

[deathlygristly]

I like being alive with the spousal person so much. :)

Work was hot and busy and demanding and when I got home I was, in his words, "fried."

But now after an hour and a half of hanging out with him and the kitties and having a snack, I feel so much better and yay now it's happy times! As opposed to looking up the symptoms of autistic burnout like I was towards the end of work today, lol.

I asked him how Pixel felt about being Pixel and he said she liked it, so I said "So she thinks being her is a good way to be conscious?" Then I said "I think being near you and her is a good way to be conscious!" and I hugged him. And Pixel, because he was holding her at the time and she was rubbing her face against the afternoon stubble on his face.

[kikiiswashere]

Life Update

Howdy y'all. This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, and one I alluded to in a previous Tag Game post.

I am self-conscious about how much time it has been since I've posted any original content (IE art, fanart, fanfic, etc.), and I feel compelled to share why.

Last year, at 32, I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (Inattentive type). While this has been a revelatory thing to learn about me (and sheds light on so many facets of me I've never fully understood), it has also caused a fair amount of disruption. Namely, trying to behave and maneuver like a neuro-typical person when I have never been that. In light of this discovery, it has felt like my brain and my body are simultaneously in shut-down and overdrive.

I feel the cultural pull of 'perform perform perform produce produce produce' (yay capitalism!) and the aggravation that I "have" been able to behave like that before - albeit at a cost to my mental health and relationships.

Now that I know I am autistic and the mind numbing, body burning way a lot of us are expected to function does not jive with my nervous system, I have hit a wall and in what is known as Autistic burnout. After thirty-plus years of tamping down my mind and body's intuition, they are rightfully rebelling and demanding for a break and adjustment in behavior.

This is one of the reasons I haven't been able to update Children of Zaun in as timely a fashion as I would prefer. I want to write, but the motivation to do so is stuck in executive dysfunction land.

The other piece that is going on in the landscape of my life, is my business partner and I have made the decision to close our studio at the end of this month. There are several reasons for this, but my autistic burnout is among them. It is the right decision, but it is still a hard one to live with.

Hopefully, after we officially close and I have the chance to actually rest in the way my body and brain need, I will be feeling more creative.

Chapter 14 of Children of Zaun is about 1/2 way done, I think. Maybe I'll even post a little snippet for those of you who are bearing with me during these long swaths of time between chapters.

Anyway, thank you for reading! I love you all!

Take care of yourselves, okay?? Okay :)

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

fellow autistic folks &/or ADHD folks &/or auDHD folks with sensory issues, & anyone else with sensory issues. y’all may relate & may feel validated by.

have been experiencing heightened sensitivity & sensory pain (sensory issues) *for a week or so now*. not going away with sleep like usually does. sticks around. makes brain fuzzy or mushy or hurting.

depression, also not going away with sleep (or meds (as much)) as usually does. makes body feel heavy and brain foggy.

have slept a lot past few days to no avail. still exhausted. not feeling better.

still overstimmed. “aggressive”/frustrated response every time any sensory is painful. trying to manage because have kitty and don't wanna upset her with reactivity to sensory pain.

went to therapy on Monday. therapist says “oh, you're in burnout.”

was supposed to work fast food job. liked job, very gender, team kinder than used to. but not able to function unless allowed music, & have to get official accommodation to allow. (currently battling with their HR/disability analyst but hopes not high), because too many overlapping sensory pains (audio (timers, sizzling grill, bubbling stovetop, etc.), burns, etc.).

was unemployed for 4 months before ^, so desperate need for money. but disability doesn't pay enough to live on, & probably will get told “not disabled enough”.

have to try to apply for food stamps, but have been forgetting to go to in person appt every time apply, because am in burnout (PTSD + tism burnout won't allow phone call), so gonna attempt to apply in person or attempt do interview same day. exhausted at thought of.

typed words failing. grammar failed. spoken words dead, even echoes.

stress building. anxiety boiling stomach acid. brain spinny.

i wish people took burnout more seriously. i also wish people took nonverbal / non-speaking & minimally verbal (situational mutism or minimal verbal autism or other i don't know) people seriously & believed when express (sign language, mouthed words, vague signals, or limited words) that *can't* use words (not don't want to, not disrespect, not ignoring, actually cannot).

¿feeling disabled by my own disabilities? a tragedy. never could've seen this coming. (/trying to lighten the mood; a lil sarcastic, a lil lighthearted)

also getting emotional flashbacks (yay complex PTSD) to invalidation and ableism from other points & people in life (especially DNA losers (“parents”)). making feel worse.

i wish didn't feel. that was gonna go somewhere but train of thought died & still kinda relate. i wish didn't have to feel like this, to say better.

if you relate, i see you & i hurt with you. & i hope it gets better/easier.

~Nico

[cuuzca]

Hey hey little life update since im not on here as much as instagram/twitter.

Autistic Burnout is kicking my ass for a number of different reasons. IRL hasnt been easy

chaotically burnt out but fwuq it we ball🤙🤙🤙

im coloring and doing other stuff that make me happy. got some toys i thought were neat. cooking some more. I have had high and low days, like yesterday just survived a head splitting migraine. yay ᕕ( ᐛ ) ᕗ

slowly chipping away at other responsibilities and the comms so dont worry about those.

hanging in there but just wanted to let yall know~

[bishiglomper]

Second time seeing my new GP. Saw my lab results last night so i thought i was gonna get the third degree about my eating habits... But she said everything had actually slightly improved since last time. Except my A1C. That was bumped up to 7.0. Which is.. okay. 👀💧

Told her I think the ozempic was giving me a major sweet tooth and its made eating meat hard. And sissy mentioned my stabbing tummy. But that hasnt happened in a few days.

But she was about to stop the ozempic because stabbing in the left side and intolerance to meat means gastroperesis. Which would be bad. I explained my thing with meat was more of an autistic burnout feeling, not that it hurt my tummy.. So I get to keep it. For now. 👀

I'm only 5lbs away from the weight i decided i would be happy with. Like lemme have that, yeah? 😅

She wants to take me off some meds. She said looking at my med list made her nauseous. Ive been on half of those for over a decade so a revamp is overdue. Especially since now im on 2 blood pressure pills and its starting to run a little low..

And FINALLY

A doctor whos wants communication from my other doctors. And not just to send me away to them to have them deal with me.

I have to sign 5 release forms so she can see what all the specialists have done so she can make informed changes. Like my diabetic meds are broken up between 3 docs, none of which were really from endocrinology lmao

Also i told her i hated cardiology and that they were useless. So once she gets those records we said she could play with my heart all she wants. Maybe since she'll have a full picture she wont just tell me to exercise my tachycardia away. 🙄

I also got a flu shot and my depo. So yay.

I had to do the mental health assessment. My sister was with me. That was kind of funny. She had opinions. 😅

Its hard to answer things like that because i am depressed and anxious, but about very specific things. 🤔 like my dysfunctional body. And the house.

In other news, I really need to do laundry. I wore this new bra i had picked up at a thrift store. I thought it was a sports bra, but now im thinking it might be some kind of compression top.

Its very comfy. I like it. Might live in it. 🤔

Normally i wouldn't want to squish my boobs but as long as it doesnt make my gut stand out, i really dont care if i dont have boobs. 🙃

[emerson-the-psycho]

Apologies on my behalf, I completely overlooked your request to infodump about Zelda- here I am now & also out of my autistic burnout!!!

*smug smile*

My favourite game has to be Majora's Mask simply because of THE STORY. THE MUSIC. THE LORE. THE THEORIES.

The story: A moon crashing on a town & you have to save them while you're searching for your best friend? You encounter LOTS of fates & stories, which make the upcoming destruction even more difficult to process - unless you stop the moon.

The music: Listen to 'Song of Healing'. Boom. There you have it. Seriously, this one is magical. I wouldn't be surprised if it were composed by a yokai with music powers.

The lore: It is the sequel to Ocarina of Time, exploring a parallel world of Termina with the same characters seen in Hyrule - which is amazing. Also masks with magical powers, four giants protecting the land, the Goddess of Time, Hylia, has her first appearance in this game.

The theories: There is a theory going on that the main protagonist, Link, died searching for his friend & is now in purgatory going through the five stages of grief. I know, there are valid points AGAINST this theory, but I. Love. It.

You probably didn't request it without reason, so I guess you're familiar with the franchise.

What is YOUR favourite Zelda game & WHY?

You probably know who wrote this ~

AHAHHAHHHHHH YOU ANSWERED IT YAY~

I really really really really LOVE, Twilight Princess 😁

I am in no way as big a Zelda fan as you are, (Meaning I am not properly educated in the LORE~) But I do know that the games are FANTASTIC-

also, who could resist this lil’ guy?!?!

ThankyouthankyouTHANKYOU~

[victra-victorious]

the annoying thing about autistic burnout is I CAN TELL I'm not functioning! I've got brain fog, I'm being weird, I'm alienating people, and there's literally nothing I can do about it! yay me!!!!

[rabbid-rabbitt]

autism and did are so weird together

collectively we are medium support needs , its likely we were our entire life but we didnt get recognised until we were 11-12 and diagnosed at 16 (waiting lists yay!/sarc). when talking to our mum about things it turned out most of our family just learned to somewhat accomodate us, we did have frequent meltdowns as a child but it turned to cutting when we entered secondary school at 11. we used to consider ourselves high masking but honestly it was always obvious we were autistic because we did a terrible job masking, we were just fully verbal and academically smart so we were labelled as quirky.

nowadays we're older, our family has learned proper accommodations for us but we cant even attempt to mask due to severe burnout we experienced at 16. we are still fully verbal and academically smart for the most part, this is where the did kicks in. a lot of my alters, especially younger ones are semiverbal or even nonverbal all together and need more support than what we usually get. its only recently we started accepting this part of ourselves but it still feels so weird that our support needs can vary this way. we dont class those alters as a different support level because we do believe their experience still falls under msn even if its on the higher side of it but its really shown that we have a lot more internalised ableism we need to work on than we thought

[c0smicfern]

maybe catatonic depression? it's something i'm considering as an explanation for the burnout, although it wouldn't really explain the skill regression or increased sensitivity. still, i think it must be more likely than autism. despite my previous gut feelings about it, some autistic people at times just *assuming* i am also, and the surface traits that i seem to share in common, i'm still missing some of the very *foundational* traits. even the traits that i seem to have, i experience completely differently from anything i've read. i have a certain repetitiveness, but i generally don't get upset if it's disrupted. i pretty much just use it as a coping mechanism, so i feel like there's some stability in my life. i have adhd, so there's plenty of chaos in my life. i don't think resenting that & wishing i could have more stability in my life makes me autistic. i think it makes me a person with adhd who is very tired of their adhd. during my burnout, i had one meltdown that was triggered by the threat of a 'routine' (if you can even call it that) being disrupted, but that was just what drove me over the edge. it's also not something that i typically experience in normal daily life. that was just a very busy day full of crowds, rejection, etc., and all i wanted at the end of the day was to curl up with the plushie that i sleep with every night. so yeah, the threat of it being left with my sister, who lived 2 hours away from where i was staying for that trip, when i couldn't speak to explain where i had left my stuff in her dorm made me *extremely upset*. that was a very difficult period of my life, and that day, in particular, was exhausting. i don't think it's significant that the thing that finally broke me that day was the threat of one of the only constants in my life being left behind when i was already lashing out at the other people with me & myself. i mean, i almost *never* react that way to anything except being yelled at. even then, that doesn't even consistently trigger me to that point. i think, generally, i'm pretty resilient, but i get worn down at times. i think living away from my home state & the stability that i used to have has done a number on me. i kind of want to talk about what that word, 'stability,' means for me. for me, the only things that really, actually disrupt my stability are major, sudden changes. like when my dad said i couldn't actually live with him & my stepmom after helping move him & my sister into her home just a few days prior. felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me, so, of course, i started screaming (my responses) & crying. is *that* a meltdown? bc it feels wrong to categorize it as such. it was definitely *an outburst*, but that's what i've had historically more than anything else. i think if i have enough self-control to *intentionally* self-harm when i reach that level of overwhelming emotion, then it probably *can't* be a meltdown, can it? every time i delve into this line of questioning, i feel like i have to make so many concessions for any significant impairment i experience & don't directly associate with adhd to look anything like autism. i mean, again, while i feel like my cognitive empathy is worse than most people's, i'm still relatively attuned to most social cues. i'm aware this is something i could have learned, but i don't feel like i was ever *that* bad with them. nor non-literal speech, although i may tend to interpret things more literally than they're meant at times (i'm not convinced this can't be attributed to human nature or possibly even adhd). i'm not proficient in doublespeak, so i mean most things i say in a very literal manner. i still utilize plenty of figurative flourishes to get my points across, though. so, ultimately, maybe it's just severe depression that gave me catatonic symptoms during my burnout (AND after ig, yay! :3). it doesn't line up perfectly, but i feel like that's as good of an explanation as i'm ever going to get.

god. maybe i should just go in for another assessment, so the notion can be summarily dismissed. i feel like that's the only thing that will fix this for me. and if they tell me that i am again, then maybe i am. maybe i've come to some false conclusions about autism, but i don't think i have.

[mirandamckenni1]

Liked on YouTube: RATE THIS CHAIR?! | Autism Memes || https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__snj1GL694 || Autistic person reacts to Autism, ADHD, neurodivergent & INFJ (apparently) Memes! 💛 I posted another Actually Autistic TikToks reaction last week 💛: https://youtu.be/8bKavXJa524 💛 If you need more memes, here's the playlist 💛 : https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEHi2YmjD7gEssdqTn0247t_niQMt2b22 00:00 Real autistic people yay 00:20 That funny feeling 00:50 Medieval Autism 02:07 RATE THIS CHAIR 03:39 My Worksona 04:35 Autistics Don't feel Pain 06:42 Autistic = INFJ?? 07:54 INFJ Beasts 08:21 Trying to act surprised by your diagnosis 09:10 Quitting on Day one 09:46 Don't focus on yogurt 11:48 Microwaves shouldn't beep 13:09 being infantilised again 13:49 The best depiction of masking 16:02 I don't vibe with this spoon 💛 Videos I mentioned/are relevant 💛: Could you actually have Dyspraxia (DCD)?: https://youtu.be/8dYz6pCjEy8 13 Signs of Autistic Masking: https://youtu.be/H4vcMWB7fuQ Autistic Burnout: https://youtu.be/zHZuzwl6r3c AUTISTICS, CHOOSE YOUR FORK! | Autism Memes: https://youtu.be/bVoxCnaeNRI Thank you so much for taking to the time to watch! Feel free to make requests for future videos in the comments. DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional. *Books I'd Recommend about Autism: Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry): https://amzn.to/40fKx2m Aspergirls by Rudy Simone: https://amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg *Unmasking Autism by Devon Price: https://amzn.to/3LhMV3j *Links with a star are affiliate links. The channel will receive a small commission if you buy anything on Amazon after clicking through with this link. There's no extra cost to you and any money will go towards putting out more content. I'd love to post twice a week and put more time into research for these videos. Thank you so much - I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories in the comments.

[pretty-volatile]

Monday, April 17, 2023 6:49 am

I'm currently I'm feeling pretty bluh. I've noticed that it's been hard to get to sleep mentally, whereas before being so physically exhausted would help me pass out right away. Um obviously I go through times where I'm a little/a lot more focused on a specific mental health facet (?) of myself and well...

First check in is that I've become a lot more acquainted with my autistic self. I think I've noticed fewer meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts/overstimulation/overwhelm than before. I still 'mask' a lot, but I'm trying to be more myself and therefore being able to better regulate and recognize the things that send me into those moments. So yay. Can't be open with everyone, but those I have been open with are very kind and accommodating.

For ADHD, my partner and I have brought the return of my perpetual lists! All over the place indeed. But so helpful! So necessary! Otherwise shit wouldn't get done. Overall struggles with ADHD haven't been too too much to handle.

For my bipolar, it seems when I try to accommodate my ism I also tend to help keep my mood swings to a minimum. But I still fluctuate, I would just say not as bad as the big dramatic ups and downs that would cycle one after the other. I seem to be getting some more stability in between. Still go through my psychotic phases though, but that's mostly workable. My partner is there for me too especially during those times.

For my eating disorder, um, that's still complicated. I try not to weigh myself and try to wait a long time in between weigh-ins. For a while we were only eating a meal a day only cause I didn't have enough money for more food. This month is a little better so we get to eat more frequently. It's still hard not to listen to what my eating disorder makes me feel when my coworkers constantly talk about their eating/weight issues and just sound like a lot of disordered eating and/or unhealthy body image/relationship with their body. But I just try to take it day by day.

For my (C)PTSD um well of course that's something I'm always going to be battling with. I try to logic my way through my memories and trauma, and when I do feel the pain of the past, it washes over me completely and I get stuck. It's hard to process all by myself, and I feel bad for even the things that I have shared with my partner since I know they have their own trauma to carry.

But what has my attention again is my BPD. Since discovering I struggle with this and learning what I do that hurts people or hurts myself, I've truly made an effort to work on all those things. The black & white thinking, the splitting, the running away, the self-harming, the self-isolating, etc. I've learned that my BPD episodes really correlate with my CPTSD & autism and since I've been working on the others, I've been better at managing my more harmful BPD behaviors/thinking. I still struggle with the idea of self harm, while I haven't cut myself in years now, it's still something I look back on, craving like an addiction, not quite being able to let it go but knowing it's no good for me. This has extended to my other self harm tendencies, not just cutting. I still crave stronger drugs than weed sometimes to escape reality/myself. It's a big feeling to sit with, accept, and let go. I fear I could give in, but I'm lucky to not have access. I would day for the most part I'm sex-repulsed due to all the sexual trauma that I've finally had a chance to sit with and process. Unfortunately that has affected my sexualness with my partner, but it's also brought on a whole new level of intimacy and romance, while also still occasionally doing it *wink*. I still self isolate a lot. Mostly out of a fear of being left, rejected, forgotten, judged, or having any sort of strong attachment to someone that could have the potential to end in heartbreak. My partner is my one true person, my best friend, my soulmate, my love. Everything I could need and more. It just sucks not having friends sometimes, that aren't work buddies. But even friends stop talking to me eventually so... I certainly still deal with my black & white thinking, also thanks to the ism. I try to stop and rethink or opposite action, etc. But it can be hard and my partner often has to call me out on it. Even though my partner is my most stable, comfortable, safe, protective, reassuring love that I have ever had, I unfortunately still deal with projecting my trauma onto them. Of course it doesn't help that if it's something that's happened between us two before, even if not intentional. Trauma response just be like that sometimes *shrug*. My emotions haven't quite been up-down like before, but more of the empty, stress, depression, fatigue, fog, etc. That certainly hasn't been helped by COVID. But the inability to recognize or name my other emotions and having a specific set of emotions that I always pick from to TRY to remotely describe how I feel could also be due to alexithymia. I still have outbursts. I still get petty and cranky and irritable. I still get major secondhand stress from others. But the way I handle those things are a lot better. Even my partner would agree that my BPD has been more manageable, smaller things that we can confront head on rather than the big explosive shit that used to happen. Idk just thinking about whether I still deal with it/how much I deal with my BPD traits. Wondering if I had it to begin but realizing the reason why I don't have to deal with it as much is because I really have put in effort to put more love into myself and my life and my partner, to heal the trauma a little that caused all this. It'll take me my whole life, but it seems to be getting better in some ways.

Anyway I've been up way longer than i should be and now I'm going to go self loathe like i normally do. Ttyl~