#YOU TALK LIKE 9 YEAR OLD ME WRITING FANFICTION SHUT THE FUCK UP

[everyrishidpanel]

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 43

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: wow, it took a while didnt it? i have a hard time writing this story for a few specific reasons and thats why it takes me longer. i also need to plan the ending of this and its not easy because im scared to forget something. but i hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks so much for still reading this story!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : its late and i hope i dont forget any! i didnt add everything from the 2nd request in my chapter tho. i also promise more requests in the next chapter! its all planned so thank you!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 43 : His chapter

NIALL

June 25th, 2018

"Okay, move slightly on the right." I heard her, doing what she told me cautiously. "Now watch out, there's a step."

"Big or small?"

"Uhm, medium" she replied after thinking about it.

"Gee Liv, thanks!" I replied sarcastically before I carefully tried to put my foot on the step.

She guided me with difficulty until the car and I packed her last few boxes in the trunk. We sat in the car and I started it, feeling her gaze on me but I tried to ignore it until I felt her hand on my thigh. I suddenly relaxed and my eyes met hers for half a second before going back on the road.

"You should have let me help you." she pointed out with a soft voice. "I can carry more than one box, you know."

The left corner of my lips raised gently and I glanced at her again before stopping at a red light and turning my head completely her way. Her eyebrows raised and I sent her a small smile, shaking my head.

"I want you to let me take care of you." I admitted, bending closer to press my lips gently against hers in a quick kiss. "Besides, an old lady like you shouldn't carry heavy things."

With a chuckle, she slapped my arm gently as I started laughing and started driving again. It was already mid june and we had been working on her moving in with me for about a week. Most things were actually bought by Louis so all the furniture stayed there but it took us a while to pack all her stuff and bring the boxes to my house. I mean, our house.

"I'm only two years older than you!" she argued, making me laugh even more. "Do I have to call you 'kiddo'?"

"Please, I'm a man." I let out with a frown, half-joking. "You know it, you've seen me naked."

"Oh how my life has changed since then." she replied wih a chuckle, making me smile too.

We brought her stuff to our room and started unpacking together after I put music on. It invaded the house so loudly that the neighbours probably heard since we had opened the windows. It was a warm saturday afternoon and I still had a little bit more than a week off. I knew we were going to miss each other since I was about to leave for three months (even if i was going to be back here at some point in august for a few concerts) but we didn't talk about it much, as if it would make things worst.

I kept glancing at her from time to time as I was putting her stuff in my closet and my lips curled when I noticed she was dancing while putting her clothes in her dresser. It was nothing new. She had always been like that but somehow, at this exact moment, it made me realize how perfect this moment was. Loud music, finally sharing a house with the woman I loved, watching my girlfriend dance and sing happily close to me with a promise ring hidden in my underwear drawer. That whole scenario happening right in front of me felt like the accomplishment of something very very important and even if I couldn't define exactly what, I tried to remember this in my brain like the movie of a memory I wanted to watch over and over again until i'd be on my death bed. The smallest details seemed important and when she moved a lock of hair that had stuck on her lips behind her ear, I held my breath. Could I write a song about this?

She turned around and our eyes met and suddenly, her lips curled into a fond smile. I loved when she looked at me like that. I was used to it, because she's looked at me like that for as long as I could remember, but it's only now, the second time we're dating, that I realized what it meant and how important it was.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just going to stare at me while I do all the work?"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes before shaking my head and grabbing an other box. It was heavy and when I opened it, I saw a bunch of books, the first one on the top being the one she was reading at the moment. I knew because sometimes we'd just sit together in the living room in silence. She'd read and sometimes i would too, or id end up writing, or playing guitar. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes and I liked it. I grabbed the book and turned it around to read the summary but something else caught my attention and I frowned. Something was sticking out of the book and I pulled on it slightly only to see my face and hers on a few pictures. It came from the photobooth and if my memory served me right, it was from the first time we dated. I pulled on it more to see all the pictures and finally just opened the book so she wouldn't lose her page and let my eyes roam on the older pictures of us. I remembered how I felt, but I was well aware it was not comparable to the feelings I had now.

"Can't believe you kept this."

My eyes didn't move from the pictures but I felt her stop moving and finally get closer to me. I sat on my bed and I felt her sit next to me in silence until I finally looked up in her eyes.

"You have no idea of all the things I kept." she admitted and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "I kept a lot of souvenirs of you, Niall."

My smile curled a bit and she chuckled. "Really?"

"Oh don't look at me like that, it's not like I built a shrine for you or anything." she just rolled her eyes. "But your friendship and your love... yea, it's important for me."

I ran my thumb gently on the pictures for a few more minutes and finally put them back in the book before closing it. I stared at it until Liv grabbed my hand and I squeezed her fingers, looking up at her and sending her a smile.

"You know we need to christen the rooms." This time, she let out a loud laughter and it made my lips curl. "It's true!"

"It only applies to new places, Niall!" she laughed more. "We've already had sex pretty much in all the rooms of this house, and that says a lot!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before she nodded. "All the bathrooms? Bedrooms?" She nodded again and I raised my nose up with a low groan, making her laugh again. "There must be somewhere we didn't fuck!"

"On the dryer."

"What?" I frowned.

"We never fucked on your dryer." she repeated with an amused smile, her head tilted. "We fucked in the showers, kitchen's table, kitchen's counter, on the couch, on the floor of the living room, in all the beds, on all the bedroom floors, in the music room and against that piano.. One time you even grabbed me when I got out of the shower to fuck me against the wall in the hall."

The left corner of my lips curled as the memory came back to my head and I raised my eyebrows. "Oh yea, I remember."

"But I don't remember fucking on the dryer."

My eyes roamed on her and I licked my lips. "We can do that now."

"Join me in 5 minutes?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise when she suddenly got up and left. My fingers gripped the book in my hands tighter and I finally put it on the bed before turning my eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and if I wanted to be honest, I only waited 3 and a half anyway.

I heard the dryer's noise and frowned a bit when I realized she had started it and when I got there, she was sitting on it and I noticed the matching black and silk panties and bra she was wearing. Her legs were hanging down the dryer and she was holding herself with her hands slightly behind her body, her dark hair falling near her back, and I stopped as soon as our eyes met.

"When did you put this on?"

"I wore them all day." she admitted with a smirk before chuckling when my face changed. "I mean, I wanted to show you but we were sort of busy."

I took a few steps closer slowly and put my palms on her thighs, sliding my hands up very slowly on her soft skin.

"Spread your legs, petal." I whispered as she bit her bottom lip but did as I asked.

"I wasn't sure if it actually looked good on me." she admitted low and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh shut up, darling, this makes me so fucking hard." To prove my point, I turned my hips a bit and pressed my hard cock through my pants against her naked thigh. "See?"

I ran my hands up to her breasts, touching them before slipping one of my hands under it to run the tip of two of my fingers on her nipple. "I'm so torn right now. I want to rip it off of you, but watching them on you is so fucking hot."

"Just move my panties aside and fuck me."

Her eyes seemed to sparkle but her expression was needy and I just licked my lips, bringing my hands down to my jeans and unzipping them as I kept staring at her.

"Such a needy little slut." I let out in a low tone. "Tell me how bad you want my cock. Beg me."

Her eyes never leaving mine, she brought her feet on the dryer, exposing her panties even more to me and slowly, I took my cock out and started stroking it. I could feel the dryer getting warmer and the way she seemed to shake over it made me want her even more.

"Fuck, Niall, I want you so bad. I need you deep inside me." she whimpered and licked her lips. "Please, Niall, I need your cock, please i'm begging you, fuck me."

I jerked off harder, making sure the tip of my dick rubbed against her pussy over her panties, and she whimpered and bit her bottom lip harder.

"Move your panties, pet. Show me your pretty little cunt."

She did as I asked and my eyes dropped between her legs as I moved even closer, close enough for the tip of my cock to push inside her. I groaned low and she let out a short whimper as I felt her throb around me.

"Deeper." she breathed out. "Fill me."

Quickly, I pushed myself inside her until I was balls deep and she let out a moan, her head falling back slightly and her eyes fluttering.

"Like this petal? How does my cock feel?"

She squirmed slightly and with difficulty but I watched her shake glancing a few times down to watch her grind despite herself on my dick. The feeling was amazing and I groaned louder when I felt her clench around me.

"So good, so fucking good." she whimpered again.

"You're so fucking wet and horny I just want to watch you fuck yourself on my cock until you cum all over it, baby girl." I let out without thinking. "How about you do that?"

I moved as close as I could and she ground on me for a few minutes. I loved the way she moved, all her facial expressions and the way her moans sounded but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed her waist, my fingers sinking in her skin as I pulled her against me in motion with my thrusts.

"Fuck, i'm gonna cum." I just said still going hard.

I didn't know if it was because of my words or if she had been holding it for a while but she started shaking even harder against me as she came, my name escaping her lips in incredible moans and bringing me to my own orgasm. I shut my eyes tight, pushing myself so hard against her to make sure I went as deep as I could, and when I got down from my high, I leaned my forehead against hers, eyes still closed, as we both panted with parted lips.

"This is so much better." I whispered, moving a bit to reach her lips with mine.

"Better than what?" she asked in a breath as I kissed her gently again.

"Better than anything. Better than anyone." I confessed. "Better than sex without feelings."

It took her about a minute to talk but her words made me open my eyes suddenly.

"Are you in love with me, Niall?"

I pulled away to look in her eyes and frowned for a few seconds before shaking my head. I knew she was probably asking me simply because she wanted to hear it but I couldn't help but fear that she doubted it.

"Yes. I am in love with you, Olivia." I affirmed. "It will never change. I'll always be in love with you, for as long as I live, and maybe even after."

                                                        ---

June 29th, 2018

I was a bit sad she had insisted on inviting Louis and Eleanor on her birthday but I went along with it because it was her day and I loved her. She also had asked for nothing big, just a movie and games night with our friends, and somehow, I was down with that. Normally, I'd want to celebrate in a bar with many more friends but we were about to be separated for a while and I was not in the mood to celebrate that. I was just grateful I could spend her birth day with her.

"Okay, Liv, you sit next to me. Your boyfriend can sit next to El." I heard Louis say as I walked back in the living room with two bowls of popcorn.

"Excuse me? I pretty much intend on watching this movie cuddling my girlfriend, thank you very much!" I argued with a frown as I stood in the middle of the living room.

"If we do that we'll just spend an hour and a half making out!" Louis explained with round eyes. "At least you two will! You're both horny animals!"

"It's not like we were gonna fuck in front of you." I pointed out, rolling my eyes before sitting next to Eleanor who just laughed.

"Don't be a jealous boyfriend, Niall. Liv was my roommate before being your girlfriend again and I'm very sad that I can't wake her up by literally jumping in her bed at 6 in the morning anymore!" he joked with a chuckle before turning to my girlfriend. "Bet you miss it too!"

"6 in the morning?" I repeated with a frown again. "You never wake up so early."

"He did when he had meetings for his album." Olivia pointed out. "As you already know, 'pain in the ass' is in his DNA."

I laughed and she did too but the way she looked at me made me smile. Louis placed his arm on the back of the couch, near her shoulders, and I groaned low at sight. It's not that I wanted to read too much into this, but it was bothering me a lot and it was tough to hide. I was not the type to be jealous and I knew Olivia loved me, but every time I saw them near each other, I couldn't help but remember that they fucked multiple times and that nothing could ever erase that.

What took me out of my thoughts was something hitting my nose and the sweet laughter of my girlfriend. I shook my head slightly and sent her a smile as she sent me more popcorn and I grabbed some from my own bowl before throwing it at her, too. She laughed louder and we kept on throwing popcorn at each other until Louis groaned and stopped the movie. It was crazy how easily Louis could make himself home. He was using my remote for my tv, was sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, cuddling with my girlfriend.

"Fine! Fine I get it!" Louis gave in, raising his hand up in defeat. "You guys can't stay too far away from each other for too long. It's sad but it is what it is!"

He practically jumped off the couch and walked up to me. After a quick head movement, I sent him a smile and got up to. I let myself fall next to Liv and immediately, she cuddled my side like a magnet, making me smile more. I had no idea why I was insecure when it came to Louis, but she proved over and over again that I had no reason to be. I wrapped my arm around her to pull her closer and we finished the movie before grabbing a few beers and talking. It was almost 3 in the morning when Louis and El left and I watched as Liv got up, yawned and stretched.

"I'm so tired, let's go to bed, yea?"

"We really should clean first." I pointed out, grabbing a few bottles.

I was about to bring them to the kitchen but she stopped me with a grimace and a groan. "Niall, we need to sleep. Come onnnn, we can do that tomorrow."

I stared at her and sighed, not really sure I liked the idea but I finally nodded and followed her to the room as she held my hand and pulled me with her. We fell asleep quickly but she did before me and for some reason, I enjoyed watching her snore lightly, her lips parted, as I held her close to me. These days, we fell asleep holding each other face to face and it was very different from our usual spooning. Still, I liked it but when I woke up, she was on the other side of the bed, her legs were over mine, and I smiled at how much she had moved.

I got up, put sweatpants on and made coffee before drinking a cup as I looked at the mess in the living room and the kitchen. She joined me about half an hour later, entering the kitchen as she yawned. It made me chuckle but I liked the mess of her hair and her lazy smile. I wanted that every single morning of my life.

"Slept well?"

"Yes but not enough." she just shrugged with an other yawn.

I poured her coffee in her favorite mug and we both drank in silence, leaned against the counter. After I was done, I put my cup in the sink and without turning back to look at her, I sighed.

"We need to clean now."

"Mm, I just woke up. We can do that later in the afternoon." she just shrugged.

"Liv, we need to clean now. That's what happens when we postpone these kind of things. It'll never be fun but doing it now means we can do something else after."

She stared at me a few seconds and sighed, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I didn't want to argue with her, and I knew how messy she was, but she also knew I was the opposite and that leaving everything as is the night before had been annoying to me.

"Well I don't want to do it now."

I didn't expect that answer and took a step back as my eyebrows raised.

"Why are you being like that?"

"Why are you being like that?" she repeated. "This can wait! I can't believe we're arguing over that!"

"Olivia, please! We left this mess last night and we need to clean!"

"You knew how i was before I started living here, it's nothing new!" she let out a bit roughly.

"And you know how I was too!" I argued before she brought her hands to her face and sighed. "You need to make efforts, okay? I am!"

My voice was a bit too loud and I knew it but I was getting pissed. I couldn't believe we were arguing over something like that. After all we had been through, I didn't want to accept that something so silly could be what would end us.

"I just... I need a shower."

I left without waiting for her answer and stayed a bit too long under the hot stream but when I got out of the bathroom with clean clothes, my lips curled at the sight. She had cleaned a good part of the living room and was now working on filling the dishwasher. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, leaning my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaving a few kisses on her neck and she finally turned in my arms to look in my eyes.

"I'm sorry."she sighed and licked her lips. "I'll make efforts, I promise."

We finished cleaning and ended up sitting at the table with an other cup of coffee and eggs. The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking that I was leaving in a few days and it bothered me. I wanted us to discuss it but at the same time, I was not sure she wanted to talk about it. I knew that she thought mentioning things out loud made them more real or concrete but ignoring them and pretending the problems weren't there wouldn't make them disappear.

"It's gonna be tough, you know. We'll be away from each other for quite a while."

It took her a few seconds to answer as she seemed focused on her coffee but after a while, she breathed in and sighed.

"I know it won't be easy, Niall, but I also know that it will never be as hard as it was without you for a whole year. So yea, I think we can get through this and come out stronger." she said in a calm way before looking up in my eyes. "I hate being away from you but that won't change my love for you, not even just a little."

I reached for her hand on the table and squeezed her fingers before sending her a small smile. "It won't change mine either. And you're right, that year without you was the worse I've ever been through."

"It's... different." she told cautiously, looking up at me and noticing my questioning look. "You spent that year without me because you decided it, it was your choice. You did it for a reason and you wanted to be alone to live things you clearly thought you couldn't live with me. But me... I suffered through it. You broke up with me, broke my heart... I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time, you know? We didn't live that year the same way."

I felt my heart thump hard in my chest and I just nodded very slightly, as we stared at each other.

"You know, Niall... you left me with nothing." she said and I could swear I heard her voice crack. "I tried to find someone else, to find what I was missing from someone else, but I never really found it because what I was missing was you." Once again, she breathed in and sighed. "I know it's not easy but maybe you should try to put yourself in my shoes and... try to understand how I feel, you know? How I felt all those months."

I remembered that she told me it was tough for her but I never really understood how hard it had been until I found out she had literally tried to kill herself. Still, I felt like I couldn't really know the feeling and never would be able to. I remained silent as her words kept running in my head and finally held my breath. I couldn't believe I was thinking about writing a song in such a deep moment but I was and I just shook my head.

"You're right, Liv." I admitted, reaching for her other hand and squeezing both of them tight. "I'll try to understand how you felt in that year we were apart, after I broke you. It's hard to imagine but, I know I've hurt you more than I ever hurt anyone else, and I'll listen to everything you have to say about it."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded. "I can't really put it in the past." she added low. "Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like it's part of our story. I thought I knew who you were, I thought you'd never leave. I mean, we've known each other for decades... I thought you would never break my heart. But it was hard to accept, you know? That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt like... you ripped my heart out. Like you stole something from me that I could never get back without really knowing what it was. And I wanted it back. The worst was.. I still wanted to be with you. If you had came back I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was always thinking of you, no matter who I was with, and yes, it includes Louis."

I stared at her, blinking a few times but still remained silent. I didn't want to let go of her hands and I also didn't want to talk. I thought it was just time to listen.

"I just... I went in bars and clubs to change my mind, I tried to date other people, I tried to drink my pain away... I just wanted to get over you and nothing worked, because I had nothing left." She paused again and shrugged. "I learned that making you the center of my life was not a good idea but it was something I was used to, I did it since I was a kid. Now I don't want to do things for you, Niall. I want to do things for us, and I want you to do the same. It's a team work. I mean, it's us against the world, right? That's what we said?"

I sent her a bigger smile and nodded. "It is. You and me."

[kogo-dogo]

ooh 5, 9, 43 maybe??

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

I can’t read things that are improperly formatted. If something isn’t spaced correctly or is an utter block of text, my brain just shuts off. It could be the most innovative, well-written work to have every spilled from human hands, but the inside of my head would just be angry and afraid and flip the “off” switch. Said brain just expects a pattern, and when that pattern is broken? I can’t do it.

I’m also not huge on most AUs. I’m what a lot of people would have called in the olden days a “canon elitist.” I’m all for flubbing things if you can make it make sense in the context of the original material, but I’m always wary of AUs. I blame the fact I was very heavily into the Elder Scrolls fandom when Mog Mod was popular and everyone’s Dunmer was a goth boy in leather chaps.

That said, not all AUs are made equal. Some people know how to write in-character and compelling content. Sometimes I’m guilty of it myself (I say, while gesturing violently to HRV). I’m just very, very leery of them.

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

The fics I have in mind that are unknown are fics that are literally lost. I think it’s kind of interesting to have Secret Knowledge of Hidden Fics, so I’m gonna share those instead.

- There was an illustrated(?) fic that was lost when the PlanetElderScrolls forum was destroyed, which was a screenshot-with-story fic written by a guy named Captain Jordan. About... Captain Jordan. He was a ship-sailing pirate who hung out in the Sea of Ghosts in Morrowind with a rag-tag group of non-lore compliant friends and kept ending up in weirder and weirder predicaments. Glitches that happened in-game were treated as “canon” to his adventure, and included a whale that jumped so high out of the water that it flew away, a Nord named Cjad who repeatedly died from falling from the crow’s nest, and his Khajiit and Bosmer companions getting into a raging fist-fight while a castle burned around them. It was... not lore compliant, but it was fucking hilarious because the author had one of the best senses of humor I’ve seen in writing.

- A New Vegas crack fic I found on the Fallout Kink Meme back in the day. It was about Vulpes Inculta infiltrating a slumber party with all of the most famous females of the Mojave, while dressed in a bad wig and pajamas. Throughout the whole thing, he was kept perfectly in-character, and so while all of these women are talking about their crushes and painting their nails, he is trying to piece together sensitive information from their conversations. It ends with him becoming convinced they’re oracles because they’re using a paper fortune teller to “see the future,” and he covertly informs Caesar that they’ve predicted he will do “naked Twister with the whore, Santiago.”

- My holy grail that I hope to find again someday: The Vulpes/Deacon fic. It wasn’t a ship fic, but was basically a redemption arc for Vulpes Inculta. I remember he joined a caravan after the Legion was destroyed at the insistence of Courier Six, and marched eastward until he wound up in the Commonwealth. Once there, he’d already realized how misguided he was, and while stopping at... that one settlement that hates synths? He finds a tape for “Join the Railroad” in a trashcan, and is inspired to actually seek them out. The rest of the fic is Vulpes trying to atone for his life as a tyrant and slaver by liberating synths and fighting the Institute (who he considered a second coming of the Legion). He becomes friends with Deacon, and hilarity ensues as... they’re both expert spies but have vastly different personalities and approaches. It was very good and I would pay money to have it back again, but it seems like whoever wrote it wiped it clean from the internet.. and it was unknown enough that I’ve yet to even find somebody who also read it.

43. Talk about a positive experience with fanfiction or the fanfiction community that you will always remember.

As much as I roll my eyes at the “goth boy Morrowind” time of the fandom back in the late 2000s, the Elder Scrolls fandom was actually very encouraging. I was a sixteen year old surrounded by grown adults in the forum I frequented, and I would write some of the worst, most cliche, garbage stuff known to man... and all of these adults would just applaud me and clap me on the back and congratulate me and tell me to keep going and chase that dream.

The same community that harbored all of these bizarre Mary-Sue Nerevarines and goth clubs in daedric shrines were some of the most affirming people I’ve been around. In their eyes, this was all for fun and personal enjoyment, so you can write and do whatever, so long as it didn’t hurt anyone and it made you happy. And if you wanted to put a Dremora in raver gear or dress up your Khajiit like he shopped at Hot Topic? Fine.

Those people are the entire reason I started taking writing seriously in the first place, and I adore them even over a decade later.

[cherry3point14]

Stranger Than Fanfiction: Ch 9

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Dean x Reader   Warnings: One big boy word. Late stage violence (like, literally the last line). Word count: 3,122.   Chapter Summary: Guess it’s time to meet your maker. A/N: Dun, dun, dun!!!!!

Ao3 if you prefer

Once again, it was Friday. She woke up a little later than usual because she was working from home on the advise of the Winchesters. She noticed that she was running low on body wash while she showered and added this to her list. She purposefully picked two odd socks to wear—one pastel pink and one baby blue—because under her jeans nobody would notice. Not that she planned on seeing too many people. The day was full of the usual formalities that she expected out of every single day, which she supposed is why she felt so peaceful. Never would she have suspected that this serenity she had found was the calm before the storm. Never would Y/N have thought that this was the tranquility some people experience on the day before they die.

“Like hell, is it,” you respond to the inside of your car as your foot presses a little harder on the gas pedal. Your speedometer zips past the ‘within 10%’ of the speed limit you’d normally drive at until you’re going 90 in a 70. You are, like she says, calm. You’re a great big blanket of calm even speeding along the interstate. Because you know exactly where you’re going. A little suburb that backs onto Lake Easter in Des Moines.

You’d almost hit the road the day before except by the time you’d street viewed the home you were traveling to, memorized three different routes, and talked yourself in and out of going several times; it was too late. What should have been a good day yesterday—a successful rookie mission and an unexpected kiss—had become all about her. Emma Effiel. You’d looked up her social media and scrolled back as far as a Supernatural convention she’d been to some years ago. You’d read an article in her local paper about a pie baking competition she’d won last summer. The paper hadn’t understood her quote as a reference to some books because they had printed it as is: “Dean loves pie.” They hadn’t even questioned who Dean was. Or the reporter must have asked at the time but she’d pretended to know a Dean.

There is a Dean, obviously. The actual Dean. He’s working. He’d called you before you left to tell you they think they have a lead on the shifter. Another death on the other side of town that fits the pattern. They think they can catch this thing now before the insurance claim is even submitted, and put a stop to this. They also think you’re at home, safe and sound, not driving a hundred and something miles to run a quick errand and save your own life.

If everything goes right by the end of the day there will be one less monster in the world and one less voice in your head.

Although it’s not a voice anymore. It’s Emma. She’s in your head.

You slow down when you take exit 9 onto shorter roads with fewer lanes, slowing down is a necessity to not kill yourself on the way to saving yourself. Eventually, you’re chugging along two-lane roads amongst other people going about their lives. A few red lights, some traffic, and then you’re turning onto her road and parking on the street outside her house.

You didn’t know she was home, technically, but there’s a truck in front of her garage. The bumper sticker says ‘driver picks the music, shotgun shuts their cakehole’ and you figure it’s a pretty safe bet that she’s inside.

Driving is easy but there’s a lump in your throat when it comes to actually walking to her front door. You’ve been walking since you were 11 months old. This is the hardest it’s ever been to move one foot in front of the other.

Her door is whitewashed wood with a window in the middle. You notice doors because you stand in front of so many, this one just makes you wonder if she’ll recognize you through the glass. If you look how she imagined, or if her brain will be able to even leap to something as crazy as you existing.

She has a doorbell so you press the small rubber button with a lone shaky finger. You hear a classic ding dong reverberate inside her home, although dulled by the walls.

She doesn’t take long to answer the door and once she does you’re paralyzed.

“Hello?”

Even with that one word, it’s her. You’ve heard a thousand or more words in that same vaguely midwestern accent. The interesting thing is actually hearing it outside of your head. Usually, she’s amplified, echoing, taking up the whole of your brain. In front of you, she’s so, to use her own phrase, achingly normal.

“Are you selling something? Because I’m sorry but I’m not interested.”

The door in her hand moves an inch and that triggers you, the thought of this door closing.

“Hi, my name is Y/N Y/L/N, I believe you’re writing a story about me.” You hadn’t planned what to say, you’d been more concerned with getting here, although you suppose that’s not a bad place to start.

She narrows her eyes at you but the corners of her lips curl slightly, caught in surprise and thinking it’s a prank. “Did-Did someone put you up to this? Is this a joke?”

“No-one put me up to this. My name is Y/N and you’re writing a story about me, or about killing me I guess. I’m an insurance adjuster with a crappy car and I drink tea instead of coffee. Yesterday I visited a bank with Dean Winchester. Oh and there’s this.” You lean down and pull the hem of your jeans above your ankles, enough to show her your mismatched socks. One pale pink and one baby blue.

She looks between the two strips of fabric peeking out of your shoes. Her bottom lip trembles and her chest shudders to a stop. And then, when she brings her line of sight back up to your face, she faints.

It happens quickly. One minute she's standing there and the next she's collapsed on the floor like a rag doll. The only thing you can think of is what if someone sees this, so logically you do the only thing you can, you step inside and around her. She's only out for a few seconds, she's opening her eyes by the time you click the door closed.

You go through it again. She's woken up half groggy, half scared, and still questioning who you were. With the addition of now asking why you were inside her home.

The thing is, she knows it's you. That's why she'd fainted. Each time she asks is only confirming the obvious fact. It takes a few minutes but eventually, she admits it out loud. She knows you are who you claim to be, and she knows because an image of you was inside her head. You’d laughed at that, almost certain that she didn’t mean it in quite the same way as you've had to deal with. But that was a whole new can of worms that you hadn’t covered yet.

“How did you find me?” She’s got her legs tucked into her chest and her hands wrapped around a heavy glass filled with some amber colored alcohol. Possibly bourbon but you weren’t going to question her, even if it's still eleven in the morning. She’d made you a tea and although you hadn’t told her, she’d made it exactly how you liked it.

“That, well, wasn’t me actually. I have a friend, Stan, he’s done some work for me before. I asked him to try and find you. I didn’t know if he would manage it, I only had your blog to go on.”

Another gulp of her drink. “My blog? You-you’ve read my blog?”

“Yes. I’ve read it.” You state the fact as simply as possible in short, sharp sentences. She is struggling to some things still by now you’re used to a little crazy.

“But you said you hear-hear me writing it? Did you hear me writing earlier?”

“When you casually mentioned that I die tomorrow? Yes. I don’t hear, God, not all of it. I don’t know why…” you let out this laugh, all strangled and broken. It’s a laugh but you are not happy. The bitterness you’ve buried deep down comes crawling out of your throat. “I don’t know why I hear you at all! I don’t hear all of it though. And there are things I didn’t do, like-like I didn’t sleep with Dean.”

There’s something that looks like relief on her face, which she explains when you pointedly stare at her, “oh I wouldn’t have felt good about forcing you to…you know.”

“You’re planning on killing me.” You deadpan.

She looks like she has no idea what to say to that and you have a thousand things to say, that's kind of why you did the drive, so you continue. “Don’t get me wrong, I kissed him and I think I like him but how do I know when I can hear you? You’re in my head whenever he’s around telling me what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and… how do I know what’s real and what's your imagination?”

Emma is staring at the melting ice cube in her almost empty glass like she hasn’t heard a word you said, lost in her disbelief. You let her stare. You're trying to be patient, you can appreciate that you’d had a lot longer to get used to this than she had.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you’re sitting there in front of me, drinking my tea. Talking about my story like it’s…”

“Real?”

She nods, afraid of what might come out of her mouth if she opens it again.

You take a sip of your tea. “Now you know how I felt when I read Supernatural and then Sam and Dean showed up.”

“Wait, you’ve read Supernatural?”

“You didn’t know?”

She shakes her head and you realize that she’d never mentioned it. Your imminent death sure, but she’d never mentioned the books you read and how disarming it had been to meet the characters from them. Only that it was disarming to find out monsters existed at all.

“Fuck, that means Sam and Dean are?”

You manage to smile at that and the idea of her finding your existence to be more impressive than theirs. Even with her bumper sticker. “Yeah, they’re real too. They’re hunting the shifter literally as we speak.”

She creases her brow, “they’re not? They didn’t want to come here?” She must be thinking back to Chuck, to the story of the writer in the book, and how Sam and Dean couldn’t help but investigate.

“I didn’t tell them about you. I mean, I kind of thought I was going crazy at first. Even when you were right about everything I only thought you were right because you were a figment of my imagination, or like, a tumor. I only realized you were,” you wave a hand in her direction, tired of saying the word ‘real’ again, “when I found the story. It’s good, by the way. The story I mean. I read a lot of books, I guess you already knew that, and this is up there. That’s not biased because it’s about me. I thought it would have been weird but actually it was nice to see my life through your eyes. You made me more important.”

Emma nods somehow understanding even if she has no clue, “I can’t believe you read it. Although if we’re playing the game of what I can’t believe the most, it’s definitely still sitting here talking to you.”

Your mind goes back to that part of the story you hadn’t heard but you’d read on your phone. The paragraph had stuck in your head when you read it and in the days since it repeats at particularly quiet moments.

Y/N had never considered herself the main character, not even in her own life. Main characters, those in the books she read, were always so interesting. A tragic past or a troubled present and the perfect amount of development for an interesting future. These characters kept her reading in bed till three in the morning because she needed to know how they would handle their next danger or heartbreak. Or how would that particularly brilliant one figure out who the murderer was with nothing to go on. Main characters could be anything or anyone and next to them Y/N felt so helplessly ordinary. She woke up five days a week and went to her job, she paid her bills on time and went for groceries on Sunday mornings. She always thought she was a supporting character, black and white in a world of color.

She was, of course, absolutely irrefutably wrong.

You hadn’t believed it, a part of you still didn’t believe it now, but that was before you saw the way Emma looked at you. Granted she was the person who wrote it, and yet it was still there in her eyes. Awe. Past the shock and disbelief, this woman was in awe of sitting in a room with her main character. And you remember how you felt reading the story, how much you’d wanted to know what happens. Not only because you wanted to know how you were going to die but because in her story you really were the leading lady. Sam and Dean, the characters you’d poured yourself over in the books, were playing second string to your story arc. You remember how beautiful her words had been and by association, how beautiful you’d been.

That's when you decide to ask the question. The one that you've lost sleep thinking about, the one that you came all this way to ask. Except as it comes tumbling out of your mouth you're not quite cautionary. You're eager to find out.

“How is it going to end?” 

Your house is quiet when you arrive home. It’s barely dark outside but you’ve driven for more hours than you’re used to. Exhausted does not come close describing how you feel. It’s more than a physical exhaustion—although your back is definitely mad at you—after you’d spent hours talking to Emma you’re mentally ready to check out.

Not check out of life, although, in the end, you’d left that decision up to her.

She let you read where she was up to, which was about ready to finish the penultimate chapter. Then she’d mentioned she’d have to revise it now. Even though it was perfect. Even though you found yourself smiling at the screen because it was that perfect.

In all the work to find her, you never stopped to consider that maybe you shouldn’t find her. You weren’t ready to die but you’re finding it hard to decide if you’d get a better-written death than the one written by Emma Effiel.

Yes, that’s an absolutely crazy thing to think and Emma had told you it was crazy when you’d dare to say it to her. And it is crazy. In the end, you'd argued with yourself while storming around her coffee table, making cases for both endings and neither endings.

There was a reason you'd left this decision up to her. You couldn't make it.

If she killed you then at least you’d live forever in literature, and if she didn’t, at least you might get some peace and quiet. Although, if she does kill you, you told her to find a book publisher already so it would at least be worth it.

You should eat but after weeks of a thousand reasons to not sleep your bed is finally calling you. Which is why your phone rings.

“Dean?”

“You want the good news or the bad news?” He sounds more tired than you, not that it's a competition. He's just winning anyway.

You kick your shoes off, “there’s good news?”

A pause that could be a shoddy connection. “Alright, you got me. The bad news ain’t so bad though. The lead was a bust, the guy had been wormfood for weeks but it's not the end of the world. We'll find it."

There's a knock at your door, "thanks for letting me know. Listen, I've gotta go, someones here and then I am going to sleep for a really long time. Talk tomorrow?”

"Someone's there?" You wonder if he's always so nosy. You don’t remember that in the books.

Pushing yourself against the door, you check the peephole, "it's only Laura, she’s probably dropping off some new case for me or something. I am still supposed to be working remember."

Dean must hear how calm you are at your friend showing up because he sighs all relieved down the other end of the phone and Laura knocks again. "Sorry, I really have to go. I'll call you tomorrow Dean."

There's some muttering with someone else and then a faint, "sure," as you hang up. Not that it matters. You could see Dean tomorrow, you hoped to see him tomorrow. In case it does end up as your last day on earth.

Laura grins when you open up, "Hi Y/N. Had something to stop by and bring you."

"And there I was thinking that you missed me.” You feign hurt in your voice. “It’s fine I've got some paperwork anyway, think you could take it in on Monday for me?"

She follows you inside and the last thing you hear is the lock close and, "sure thing. Perfect actually."

You turn back to Laura with a small stack of forms from the bank in your hands. That’s when she rams the butt of her gun, a gun you hadn't seen, against the side of your head.

Continue to the Final Chapter. 

5eva tags: @divadinag​​​ @darthdeziewok​​ @fluentinfiction​​ @witch-of-letters​​ @supernatural-teamfreewill-blog​​ @magnitude101999​​ @alexwinchester23​​   Dean babes: @thewinchesterchronicles​​ @akshi8278​​​ @bloodydaydreamer​ StrangerThanFiction tags: @jaylarkson @starsandmidnightblue​​​ @ceisbill​​​

[ellovett]

Get To Know The Mun

I was tagged by @permanentlyexhaustedowl @sidecharacter965 and @not-twisted-enough !! Thank you guys, this was certainly fun to fill out! :0

-----------------------------------

1. What do you prefer to be called namewise?

Either Ello, Raven or KC is fine :) KC is what everyone called me back in amino so it kinda stuck with me ^^"

2. When is your birthday?

Oct 8 :)

3. Where do you live? (You don’t have to give city, you can give the state if your USA or country if you are overseas)

The Philippines!

4. Three things you are doing right now?

Typing this in my notes, trying to hide the fact that I'm still using the phone at 4 am while also trying to sleep 🤡

Edit: haha mom caught me and put me to sleep rip so right now im listening to music, typing this and reading fanfiction x)

5. Four Fandoms that have your peak interest right now? 

  Black Butler, Twisted Wonderland, Rupaul's Drag Race and Disney Genderbent, specifically the villains!

6. How has this pandemic been treating you?

 It's pretty normal. We don’t have school anymore so there's a lot of free time. Not so different from my everyday life besides the going to school part, since mom works at home. I was hoping to use this summer to actually plan something with my friends for once. We actually planned to just go to this arcade and play games the day before they announced the quarantine thing so rip

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

Probably Backstabber by Kesha and Just My Type from Saint Motel. Both are hard bops you should give them a listen.

8. Recommend a movie

Movie? I don't often watch those,,,uhhhh OH OH OH! THE WILLOUGHBYS!! IT'S REALLY FUCKING GOOD AND MADE ME CRY AHSHBS you have to give it a watch! It’s so dark and fun to watch and it has a hella good yet sad story

9. How old are you?

 I am 13 years old :)

10. School, University, Occupation, Other?

School, going onto 8th grade. 

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

Cold, always. I'm kinda allergic to heat, my nose gets runny and I get rashes so I would prefer the cold 10x more.

12. Name one fact about you that others may find unusual

Uhh, I like gore and all kinda of gory stuff! I love it! If you'd meet me in person, and mention it even once, i wouldn't shut up about it. 

13. Are you shy?

 y e s . v e r y

It takes a lot for me to be extremely comfortable with someone, and you have to be my bestest friend in the whole world for so many years before I'll be fully comfy with you. But don't worry internet friends (you know who you are)! I still love you guys and I enjoy talking to yall x0

14. Do you have preferred pronouns? 

 She/her !

15. Biggest pet peeve?

When people don't take me seriously, or when I eat and I accidentally bite my lip, and then I eat again and bite on the sAME GODDAMN SPOT. Also when I can’t sleep even though I took my pill, sometimes I’d sleep for 3 hours, and then the next day I get..12 hours.

16. What is your fave ‘dere’ type?

Dandere's and Hinedere's! I love the development between them and their love interest and it's interesting to see how their often shy/cold exterior slowly breaks! Yandere's are cool too! When done right of course.

17. Rate your life 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being best it could ever be

I'd rate it a 7. It's pretty good but it does have it's downsides.

18. What is your main blog? 

 My main blog is this one :) Ellovett

19. List your side blogs and what they are used for 

 My side blogs are ravensayselloh and ellohitsme, personal and writing blogs respectively.

20. Is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

Okay so, please know, that I am very awkward. And if you send me a message and im not replying too fast, it's because I'm trying to think of what the fuck i should say without sounding uninterested or rude so please bear with me im not the most social person :) also please be really honest with me, if you feel uncomfortable talking to me then just please say it ;; spare my dignity and yours,,and I roleplay, so if you have any staff ocs you wanna rp with you can always go to me! :D

Now I shall tag... 

@the27th, @shoujoqueensstuff, @treasureoftheseas, @julie-fandom-artblog @lawlessofdusk @noeyebunnynobunsu @twisted-monarch @tawmatore @wondersbeyondcompare @3rdgymbros @fumikomiyasaki

[psychicglitterdetective]

I am so damn angry

(Rant alert, so if you're not interested, just skip this post)

Alright, I'm so pissed about all the shit I've been going through the last few years of my life. (I'm currently 15 almost 16 rn)

It all happened with my dad. To put it in short, he emotionally manipulated me eversince I was a little kid. In context, I've been living with my grandparents for as long as I can remember due to my dad nor mom having stable jobs and my grandparents (mom's side) were generous enough to let us live with them for this many years.

I was extremely close to my grandfather, he would actually act like a dad then how my own father was. My dad was, to put it in short, a deadbeat. He would always lock himself in our room and just watch TV, if he isn't working. He would always tell me that my grandparents (more especially my grandfather) were bad people and to not get close to them. He also manipulated my mom from visiting her own family (sisters, brothers, etc.) So, we were basically closed off from them all.

Growing up, he was extremely overprotective over me. He wouldn't let me have guy friends, so I would just lie that I didn't have them when I did. I was extremely passionate in ice skating, it would of helped me be more in shape and I would do something other than being locked all day In my house. But he didn't let me, due to the outfits being "skimpy" and "would attract too much male attention" EVEN THOUGH I was fucking 7-9 years old when I took interest in it, I didn't even know how babies were made, and I wasn't even interested in "attracting" boys.

In my early adolescents, I started to get a bit into more "girly stuff" aka make up. I wanted to learn to wear make up to make myself feel pretty. And my mom was all for it. But my dad yelled at my mom, "She's not allowed to wear that shit until she's 18." Most of the girl's from middle, already knew how to wear makeup, and I didn't know Jack shit, I felt extremely left out.

And then, one day, it all came crashing down. It was a seemingly a normal day for me. It was after school, (when I was maybe 11 or 12) me and my mom walked into the house when we heard my grandfather talking to my grandmother. I can't remember especially what he said, but he said something about kicking my dad out.

My mom immediately went to her room, grabbed a suitcase. Practically shoved all of our stuff into it, grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the house.

I should of probably mentioned this before, but my mom was pregnant with my brother at the time and, by command of my father, hid it from my grandparents.

The two must of heard my mom slamming the door and my grandma almost immediately called my mom and asked her what happened. My mom basically dropped an atomic bomb on my grandma and told her that she was pregnant and hung up on her.

After that, we would be homeless for the next couple of months. We would sleep in the car and jump from hotels and motels depending on how much money we would have on us. We would also stay with friends until my brother would be born.

At this point my brother was born. One day, someone offered my dad a job in Florida. He quickly accepted and we would have a road trip to Florida. At first I was enthusiastic, I wanted to think that this would help us have a house and have actual food.

But then, when we got there. The man said that would get us a job wasn't even in Florida, but was in another state where there has been a lot of snowing. So, we basically stayed in a rest spot for maybe a month.

At this point, I haven't been in school for five months. For some people, it would be a blessing. But for me it was a nightmare. It was extremely boring and I had nothing to do. I was, once again, locked in a small space.

My dad was a addicted to smoke. And people with addiction know if if you can't have the thing that you are addicted to, you'd get angry and would do anything thing to get it.

One day in that nightmarish month, my brother was crying because of not eating all day. My mom couldn't lactate and we haven't had money to buy him any milk. So, of course he would be cranky. My dad didn't have any cigarettes that day, and then he yelled at me and my mom the scariest thing that still echoes through my mind to this day.

"Quiet that thing up before I kill it."

For me, an eleven year old to hear those words come out of his mouth, I officially become scared of my father. I didn't cry, because I was scared that my father would kill me.. My mom was scared and immediately picked up my brother, and pulled him as far away as she could from my father. My dad immediately left the car when I broke down.

None of us would talk to each other for a while.

The two then got a job in a hotel. That was the time when I was forced to grow up. My parents had night shifts. So I would stay up all night so that I would take care of my brother. I was basically a second mother to my brother. I would be the one to feed him, dress him, bathe him, play with him. I had to grow up faster than most so that I could take care of him.

My parents were rarely there in those times. I tried to stay positive, and tried not to complain. But how could I tell my parents I didn't want to take care of my brother, even though they couldn't be there so that they could get money. I just couldn't.

It was because of this that it's extremely hard for me to even be clear with my emotions towards people. I would always bottle it all up, and try to not let it show. Yet, I'm naturally a very emotional person so it's extremely hard on me on a daily basis.

I had grown used to changing my brother. To others it would be disgusting, yet for me, it was nothing due to how many times I had changed him that I didn't bat an eye when changing him. My dad, when he would be on break, would force me to change him if he pooped. it disgusted him, I had to do it and I was barely getting into puberty.

I had nothing to do, other than taking care of my brother. I had no friends, I did have a phone, which is where I got my passion on writing. I had finally found something I was truly passionate that no one could take away from me. I would write fanfiction about creepypasta when ever I had the time.

(Which is extremely cringy looking back at it, but it came from a time that I needed something to entertain myself so I kind of look at them in pride.)

To get specific of how we lived. We were cramped in a small generic hotel room. We lived across a Walmart, so we would walk over and get microwaved food so we would have something to eat. We would only eat once a day so that my brother would have more to eat. So, there would be days were I wouldn't eat. I had gone on not eating for maybe 2 almost 3 days. I know what starving feels like.

I can't remember when, but our car got taken away due to not paying for it. The owners were threatening on kicking us out for basically the same thing. So, we were forced to call our grandparents so that we wouldn't be homeless without a car.

During this whole time, my father was putting ideas into my head about how it was their fault that we were homeless for a year.

When they finally came, i didn't talk. I was in a position of being extremely touch starved but didn't want any physical contact with anyone. My grandfather tried to talk to me, but I still couldn't talk. It was like I was forcing myself in not talking.

A few days after, we finally came back to my hometown. They did everything to help me feel back at home. They would take care of my brother so that I wouldn't worry, and even got me back in school.

Everything was looking up. Another thing I should of mentioned is that my parents started to fight a few weeks before going back in my hometown. It would sometimes go from a small disagreement to a full blown yelling contest.

I would always lock myself and my brother in the bathroom and tried to distract my brother by playing with him.

When we got in my hometown, the fights seemed to have gotten worse. I could get a full blown panic attack when ever people would yell at me. I would shut down until was alone in my room when I would start to cry and curl into a ball.

One day, my mom decided that it was enough for her, and decided to leave him. He began to cry, begged on his knees to my mom to let him stay. But she refused. He asked my grandfather if he could atleast sleep in the car in our parking yard but he refused. He came into my room and told me that my mom didn't want him anymore.

In some ways, I knew this was happening. My mom told me, and it gave me trust issues. Mostly towards men and love in general.

I was struggling with sexuality at the time. I was interested in guys romantically, but then I started to get into girl's as well. I come from a strict Christian family, (and I am a proud Christian as well) but most of my family, apart from my cousins, were some what against the lgbtq+. Like, they supported the people who were outside of the family. If it's outside of the family, they would be fine. So I was scared of coming out as bi-curious.

I told me mom one day, in a care ride but she told me that the moment I started to date, that I can't be bi. Even though you don't have to date to know that your sexually interested in the opposite gender.

This is already a long post, I'm sorry. I just wanted to get this out of my chest. I want to get therapy but like I said I'm very closed off with my emotions and my mom wouldn't believe me. I already made a post about my room situation.

Again, I'm sorry for this lengthy post. I just wanted to get this off of my chest, and no one that knows me personally is here so I don't have to worry.

If anything wants to ask for anything, feel free as long as it's not too personal (than it already is lol)

[irwintry]

How to Attract a Sea Bear

Warnings: swearing, alcohol

Author’s Note: 1. Play the clarinet badly 2. Wave a flashlight back and forth really fast (flashlights are their natural prey) 3. Stomp on the ground (they take it as a challenge) 4. Eat cubed cheese – sliced is safe 5. Wear a sombrero in a goofy fashion 6. Wear clown shoes 7. Wear a hoop skirt 8. Screech like a chimpanzee 9. Run (makes them attack again) 10. Limp (worse than running) 11. Crawl (worse than limping)

Word Count: 6k

But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, So I think I'll be six now forever and ever.”

― A.A. Milne, Now We Are Six

-

Up until Luke, there were two types of people in the world. Those who were family (the ones who had to love you unconditionally no matter how many walls you scribbled Patrick Star on) and those who were your classmates. Close friends weren’t in the picture yet. Though public school had been going on for nearly two years now, you were perfectly content with keeping to yourself in the back of the classroom. A sheet of paper and a crayon were enough to keep you happy.

And then, Luke Hemmings had to come and ruin it all.

It was his first day of school after moving to town, and he decided to waltz right up to you and compliment your drawing of the Krusty Krab. If you had kept your mouth shut, you weren’t sure what would have happened. Maybe he would have kept bothering you. But instead, you said “thank you”, and he sat down right at your table while you went on about his funny accent. The other kids stared, of course. You never talked to anyone! Not even the teacher.

When you asked your parents if you could have Luke over for a playdate, they nearly cried. You took the time to introduce him to all of your toys, and he listened. And he was willing to play with them! No one could believe it. Of all of the people on the earth to become your first best friend, they were thrilled to know that it was the nicest one possible.

Slumber parties were common, mostly so the two of you could watch cartoons together the next morning with Eggo waffles or Lucky Charms. Couches became forts while your parents tried their best not to think of the future potential the friendship could have. It was hard not to hope for their child to love someone as wonderful as Luke was to you.

First years became second years, then third to fourth, and nothing changed between the two of you. You couldn’t imagine it ever changing. Not at all.

-

“He was thirteen that year, the age when children splinter off and abandon the old loves.” ― Mark Costello

-

“If you don’t change the channel, I’ll sit on your face and suffocate you.”

“Thank god you said you’d kill me, otherwise that doesn’t sound like much of a threat.”

Luke had been in this situation with you a million times. Your place or his– he was used to constant back-and-forth banter. If there was no banter, then the two of you were most likely not together. The friendship of crude humor and gross farts had only just entered teendom, though Luke couldn’t imagine a thing would change. He knew you didn’t have cooties, and vice versa (he hoped). It didn’t matter. The seven-years-in-the-making friendship meant more than the jokes of scrawny preteens.

“I give you four seconds,” he said.

“Why four?”

“Three... two...”

“That’s a dumb– “

“One!” Luke pounced on you, his arms darting to taser your sides as you screamed and squirmed. Meanwhile, the two capri-suns had fallen to the hardwood with a small splat. “Stop screeching like a damn chimp,” he hissed, but he couldn’t hold in his laughter. “Sea bears don’t like that.”

“Don’t– “ You gasped for air, and finally, you were able to kick him off of you. The remote had dropped down to the floor beside the leaking drink pouches. “Don’t care. I’ll screech like a damn chimp if I wanna.”

“Your mum’s gonna hate that you swore.”

“Your mum is gonna hate that you swore.” You glanced down to the fallen heroes beside you. “You owe me a new Roarin’ Waters.”

“Only if you put on Spongebob.”

“Fine.”

Things were as simple as that. Luke never had to worry about upsetting you, nor you with him, and it all narrowed down to the similar personalities that had developed throughout the past three years. If Luke didn’t have you, he wouldn’t know who he would be.

He had a premonition– a hopeful tug at his heart when he thought what was to come between the two of you. Maybe it had been this way all along. Every side glance or puckered expression made sense in his mind. The humor the two of you shared was unlike any other, and he simply couldn’t fathom the possibility that someone else out there would one day share it with you as well. Luke had never considered himself a jealous person until the few times at your locker or during lunch when he wasn’t the only one in your world.

How could he have let himself get this attached to someone? It would take him years to know.

-

“Did I think he was “the one?” I’ll never know. At sixteen, everyone is “the one.”

― K.A. Tucker, Ten Tiny Breaths

-

It was a rare occurrence for you to keep a secret from Luke. You told him about your celebrity crushes and your desire to write fanfiction (there were minor judgments on his part). You told him about the darker sides to your parents’ divorce, and you always opened up to him about whatever insecurity was going through your mind. However, when your friend Hailey asked you who you though the hottest guy in school was, you knew you would never be able to let him know that you had said his name.

It was the age of formals and sappy first dates, though you still felt too young to understand the complexity of relationships. While everyone else was exploring new ways to make-out, you were too busy trying to get comfortable with yourself. Tight jeans, flannel shirts, and skater shoes were the keys to unlocking the ultimate prize when it came to high school. And Luke, well, the ultimate prize had won him.

You became the way to his heart. In order to get to him, everyone had to get through you. At first, being the gatekeeper didn’t seem all that bad. You controlled who was worthy. If they had done a few sketchy things within the past year, then Luke – through your words – just so happened to not have feelings for them.

As the year went on, more people were turned away, and things became, well, weird. Truth be told, every single person who went to you to seek out Luke was told he, unfortunately, was not interested in them, even if it wasn’t true. You were speaking through jealousy, not facts, and you never figured he would catch on.

So, when he did, naturally, it blew up in your face.

“Did you actually tell Marissa McKee that I didn’t like her?”

The walk home had been silent for quite some time. You could tell his outburst had been building ever since school let out.

“Like, what the actual fuck, Y/N?”

You huffed, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your fluffy sweatshirt. “H-how was I supposed t’know that you liked her?”

Luke chuckled dryly. “Jesus. I told you two weeks ago! You’re supposed to know because we’re best friends. Best friends know that shit. Best friends don’t tell the person their friend likes that they don’t like them back.”

“’m sorry.”

“How could you not know?” he continued. “Like– Jesus.”

You couldn’t figure out what else to say, and neither could Luke. The two of you parted ways a moment later once you turned on his block, and then it was only another neighborhood over in order to get to your place.

It wasn’t rocket science, but you couldn’t figure it out at the time. All you knew was that it possibly had something to do with calling him the hottest guy in school, but you left it at that.

-

“I wish," he said, "I had known at eighteen what I know now - that there are some things on which one does not compromise.”

― Mary Balogh, Simply Perfect

-

“Don’t eat that,” Luke said, voice rushed as his hand jumped to grasp yours. He had a point about his itchy sweater; the red, wool material scratched your skin, albeit barely grazing it. “Do you want to attract a sea bear? ‘m not a big fan of having to clean up blood from my mum’s carpets.”

You tried to keep a straight face as you lifted the cubed cheese off of the tray despite Luke’s request. “The final touch,” you mumbled and set a bland cracker just under the Swiss cube.

His eyes widened. “You’re a dumbass. A real, lactose-intolerant dumbass.”

“Shut up,” you replied with a smirk. But the cubed cheese wasn’t as good as you were hoping it would be.

The Hemmings Christmas parties carved the path for your favorite time of year. Somehow, the snow knew when to fall as ugly sweaters gathered in the living room you used to watch Teen Titans in. Cocktails and hors-d'oeuvres were served on platters, and children danced around legs longer than their own height. And the decorations... sometimes, you had no words. Everything had a place, and everything had a purpose.

This year, your nerves were on high alert. In years past, you and Luke would spend the majority of the night by each other’s side, making snide comments or talking “grown up” with other adults. His girlfriend came into the picture months ago. Nevertheless, she was invited, and she was late. You didn’t know what to do once she got here.

Luke’s nerves were also on high alert. It was the first time Lara was meeting his family, and her lack of punctuality was already not making a great impression. The funny part of it all was the fact that cared more about your impression overall. He needed your approval, whether he wanted to believe it or not. You were the only person who knew him better than he did.

The air stiffened when Lara walked in. Luke didn’t know why he noticed it, but he had, and maybe it was because he knew you better than you knew yourself as well. He could sense every dropped composure or change in expression. He convinced himself it was the twelve years of friendship that caused him to read you so intently. But he couldn’t let all of this bother him.

He hardly saw you throughout the next few hours of the night. And then, it was charades time.

“Ready to have your ass kicked for the fifth year in a row, Lukey?” you said with a smile so sweet it could melt anyone with eyes into a sugary puddle.

Luke shrugged, and his shoulders itched with the movement of his sweater. “Can you even reach my ass?”

“I have my secrets.” You plopped down into the chair across from him and began scribbling down ideas onto tiny slips of paper.

“A secret to reaching my ass? That sounds– “

“Hey, shut it,” said Liz, but she had cracked a smile. “Let’s get on with the game.”

You prided yourself in being the ultimate charades actor. Luke, on the other hand, could hardly figure out how to act out Ghostbusters. But, like you had a secret to reaching his ass, he had a secret to stumping you and your team. It was a miracle it even worked.

“Shit,” you muttered, reading the slip of paper in between your small fingers. Your eyes met his and immediately hardened into a glare. “Die.”

Luke burst into a small fit of laughter, and he hardly felt Lara’s grip on his hand loosen as he focused all of his attention onto you. With a sigh, you held up six fingers.

“Six words,” said his uncle. “Shit, really?”

You rolled your eyes before bringing your hands in front of you to begin acting. You tried your best to look as though you were playing clarinet, though a few other instruments had been shouted out as you kept going. A moment later, you were stomping and holding up the tray of cubed cheese while pounding on your chest like a damn chimp. Luke made sure he took a mental picture of this. He could never forget this moment.

“Time’s up,” Liz yelled through the loud chatter. “What the actual hell was that?”

You narrowed your eyes at your blond best friend and spat, “how to attract a fucking sea bear,” before running over to his spot on the couch to tackle him. His chest hurt from the laughter booming from his lungs, and he could hardly feel his face aside from the occasional burning of his cheeks.

Someone mumbled “that’s seven words”, but neither of you could hear as he attempted to push you off of him. Luke’s senses were overwhelmed. The loud laughing and shouting of the small yet crowded room, plus you being practically on top of his lap at the same time, were sending his brain into some euphoric state.

And somehow, he knew it would all come crashing down.

Lara took him aside moments later. “If you want to keep me around– “

Luke didn’t like where this was going.

“–you will keep your hands off of Y/N.”

Luke didn’t know how to say no.

-

“Everyone, at nineteen, is dumb and beautiful in equal parts...”

― Raphael Kadushin

-

need iced coffee rn

wanna come?

Luke had his comforter pushed up to his nose. Being home for the holidays meant feet dangling off of childhood beds, his mother’s infamous casseroles, and best of all, plenty of time to spend with you. He rubbed his tired eyes before slowly sitting up to answer your text.

You buying?

He replied and sighed, rubbing his neck and pushing his weight out of the twin-sized bed. The small murmur of chatter from the kitchen filled his ears, and if he was honest, he didn’t want to join the conversation. All Luke wanted was a long drive with you.

like hell

i’m drivin bitch

gimme gas $$

Luke chuckled at your response as he dug through his bottom drawer for a thin sweatshirt.

Fine I’m in

The next few minutes were filled with wandering around the small (and quite dirty) confines of his carpeted bedroom and humming along to whatever song popped into his sleepy brain. Your car was in the driveway before he realized, and soon, the familiar obnoxious honking bounced around the four walls.

“Luke, tell Y/N to shut the hell up!” shouted Liz from the kitchen, but it was all fun.

He let out another laugh before rushing into the living room and out of the house with a squeaky “g’bye”. You continued honking even when he clambered into the passenger seat, and a part of him wanted to let you keep going. You were smiling so damn big.

“Shut the fuck up,” he said, hitting your hand away from the steering wheel. “Liz was seconds away from beating you up.”

“Tell her I want that,” you replied before pressing resume on whatever song had been playing on your phone. “If Liz can take me in a fight, then I don’t need goals. Like, I’m set for life after that.”

“Oh, but fighting me is just second nature?”

You shrugged as you began backing out of the driveway. “Yeah, I mean, you’re weak, so...”

“Fuck you.”

“Bet ya wish ya could.”

“I– “ Luke didn’t have a comeback, so he cut himself off.

You gasped. “Does that mean you actually want to fuck me?”

“No!” he exclaimed, his voice jumping up to a much higher octave (which usually occurred whenever he had to defend himself... it was either that, or he was lying).

You giggled, like you usually did when pressing his buttons, and then turned the music up.

Luke hadn’t thought much about sex without anyone else since breaking things off with Lara many months ago. It was tragic but true. No one consumed his mind; he hardly had the time to focus on fancying anyone. He knew how to satisfy himself enough, though Luke couldn’t help but wonder if he was broken. The thought only overwhelmed his mind for a split moment– your poor dancing to the Jonas Brothers distracted him meanwhile.

And then, he was thinking about you.

No, he hadn’t thought about fucking you. For the majority of his life, you felt like family. Hell, you were treated exactly like family. Somehow, along those lines, he still recognized the fact that you were special to him and only him. Years ago, he would have thought it weird to think about you in bed. He still thought it weird, but the more it washed over him, the less acidic the idea tasted on his tongue.

Luke could force the feelings away if he truly wanted to. He could forget he ever spent a moment thinking about you in this way. But instead, he grabbed your dainty hand, wedging his own fingers in between yours before slipping back into the new future his brain was conjuring up for him.

Most of all, you would have no idea that his skin flushed at the thought of spending an evening with you.

-

“He was twenty. I remembered twenty. I'd known everything at twenty. It took me another year to realize I knew nothing.”

― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

-

His hands held the desire to crush the two plastic cups in his drunken grip. If he focused hard enough, he would trample the toes of ditzy dancers, their hips knocking hard into his path. Instead, his eyes were trained on you. You, with the curve of your neck aimed towards a taller man, were too busy to notice your best friend.

The contents of the one red cup spilled over his angry knuckles. Luke hardly noticed the sharp sensation of plastic digging into his skin until the alcohol hit the feet of innocent bystanders. There were loud yelps and threats, but he didn’t hear a single one. He envisioned the smoke streaming from his ears the moment you leaned into the man whose hand traced circles onto your waist.

Luke locked himself in the bathroom. The white-tiled room proved itself to be more interesting than the crowded college party he originally invited you to. There were pictures of city skylines and prints of surrealist paintings, but he couldn’t stay concentrated on one thing long enough before he lost himself in the thought of that man’s hands on you. Luke could have stopped it if he had the mental strength. But truth be told, he preferred feeling pathetic over disappointing you.

He had managed to get comfortable on the small fuzzy rug in front of the sink. His black t-shirt was covered in some alcoholic drink, and he assumed it had been yours before his fingers did the deed of crushing the solo cup to death. This jealousy had sprung up out of nowhere. If he hadn’t invited you over in the first place, he would have never experienced someone captivating your attention like he was so used to doing himself.

An hour of “occupied” and “someone’s in here” passed by slowly, and Luke spent the entire time checking his phone for texts from you. The same wallpaper of your face photoshopped onto Squidward greeted him every time. It reminded him of when a friend or stranger would ask who you were, and he would spend close to ten minutes trying to convince them that, no, he was not dating you. By that point, he’d rather say yes. He had enough knowledge of you to convince them.

someone said some blond has b een pukig his guts out in trhe bathrom for lik an hour now????

is that u??

are u ok

canm i c ome pee

Luke sighed. At least you had texted him.

Yeah, but I’m not puking

Pls join me

He sighed, resting his head against the wooden cabinet behind him as the sounds of the party echoed in his aching head.

hm ok ;;)

“Knock, knock!” you shouted from outside of the door. “You better be naked.” A few giggles left your lips, and if Luke had been any drunker, his entire body would have burst into flames.

“Comin’,” he mumbled as he lifted himself up gradually. His knees cracked as they bent, and it took most of his energy to not keel over into the porcelain bathtub before him.

You were grinning as he opened the door, your body immediately falling into his chest before closing the door behind you. “Comin’, huh?” you questioned, gripping tightly onto his waist. “Thinkin’ ‘bout me as you came?”

Luke peeled you off of him. His eyes were wide as he asked, “how many drinks have ya had?”

You held up four fingers, or maybe it was five. Or maybe three. Luke couldn’t tell– he didn’t care. You dragged down your pants a moment later.

“W-wh– what are you doing?”

“Goin’ pee,” you replied before sitting yourself down onto the toilet.

Luke sighed again as he turned away from you. This whole night was a terrible decision.

“What are you doin’?” you asked him. Your voice was still light and slurred, but you sounded happy. It was hard for Luke to comprehend the emotions surrounding him at the moment.

“Givin’ you privacy.”

You snorted. “Okay. Fourteen years of like, no privacy at all, and now you decide to give me privacy?”

He tried to focus on the sounds of the party as you spoke. “Mhm.”

There was a loud flush. “So, what’s up your butt t’night baby boo? Why’d ya lock yourself in here?” The sound of rushing water filled the small space, so he turned to face you once more.

Luke shrugged. He had no way of telling you about the jealousy that coursed through his veins at the sight of you pressed against another man. He had no way of communicating the fact that this jealousy ran deeper than just friendship.

“Lukey, I can read ya like a book,” you said, plopping down onto the rug he had just spent a whole hour sitting on and waiting for you to text him.

He shook his head. “Jus’, no reason,” he replied, another shrug following.

You quirked an eyebrow up at him in suspicion. You weren’t going to let him off the hook that easily. “You locked yourself in the bathroom when you received your first college rejection letter.”

“I promise, I’m fine.”

“You say that, but– “

“Are you having a good time?”

“What?” you asked.

Luke leaned back against the door the moment someone knocked their knuckles against it. “Occupied. I said, are you having a good time?”

“Well, yes, but– “

“Then, that’s all that fucking matters.” Luke wanted nothing more to be in bed with you at the foot as you went off about some dramatic contestant on that evening’s episode of Jeopardy. He didn’t want to be in this position with you.

You stood up, your arms folded tightly across your chest. Your eyebrows were knotted, and your lips were pulled into a frown. “What’s your deal?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled out so low he could hardly hear.

“Lu, what is your deal?”

“That fucking guy!” he shouted. “That guy who had you wrapped around his fucking finger is my deal. Okay? Happy? I’m fuckin’ jealous for some fucking reason. I wanted to punch his fuckin’ smirk off of his fuckin’ face because his fuckin’ hands were– “

“You’re jealous of a guy touching me?” you whispered.

Luke wanted to pay a random buff guy to punch him in the face so he could forget this conversation ever happened. That wouldn’t cause you to forget it, but he could at least convince you that you were going crazy.

He let out a long, shaky exhale before bringing his hands up to his temples. “I fucking guess.”

Your lips were pulled into a deep frown. It was the kind of frown that you wore whenever someone disappointed you, no matter how small the issue. If they couldn’t pick up a candy bar from the store, cue the frown.

“Can– can we go?”

Luke nodded. Both of you had accepted defeat.

-

“When you are in your twenties, even if you're confused and uncertain about your aims and purposes, you have a strong sense of what life itself is, and of what you in life are, and might become.”

― Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending

-

Luke had, once again, pulled out the old red sweater for the annual Hemmings Christmas party. However, this year, no girlfriends were attending alongside him. It was relieving to know he could catch up with you whilst surrounded by the primitive atmosphere of his immediate family. Plus, he already down one beer before the afternoon began. Despite his (very) minor intoxication, he still convinced himself he was seeing things as the sight of hanging greens and white berries tied with a bright red bow caught his eye.

“Mum, what’s this?”

Liz ambled over and grinned. “Mistletoe! Figured we’d start a new tradition.”

“Wh-what?” He would definitely need another beer within the next hour, and the party hadn’t even started. “Why?”

His mother shrugged as she continued going through her decoration checklist. Wreaths were hung, platters were stacked with all sorts of foods, and champagne flutes were delicately placed beside the many bottles of alcohol. The Hemmings family took their Christmas parties seriously. The large fir in the living room had gifts below the lowest boughs for weeks.

“Jus’ need more excuses to kiss Andy,” she replied smugly.

Luke rolled his eyes, and he almost accepted that as her final answer before she continued.

“The whole family decided that it’s about time you and Y/N get together anyway,” she said, and nonchalantly at that. She was stacking the brownies without bothering to look back to see her son’s gaped expression.

“What?”

She hummed.

“Ya can’t be serious, mum!”

“Of course ‘m serious,” she chuckled. “We swore ya’d be together by now.”

Luke sighed. The past few years had changed your relationship, both distance and different feelings combined, but he tried to ignore it as best as he could. He assumed you were doing the same. By this point, there was no way he could deny the nerves that built in his stomach at the thought of being in the same room as you. Something tugged in his heart when it came to you, and it only ever pulled him closer.

The evening came, and it only took about thirty minutes for the aunts, uncles, and cousins to get absolutely smashed. Luke, on the other hand, cradled his second beer until the glass no longer held a touch of cold. You had willingly joined a few of his cousins for a conversation on the couch, while in the dining room, his uncles were yelling political statements that had no reason to be shouted. Luke was left in the kitchen to analyze the foods.

“Okay, I get that like, marriage is a thing, but I don’t wanna talk about that with your cousins,” you said on your way into the kitchen. You had done something new with your hair, and Luke couldn’t stop thinking about how soft it looked against your dark green sweater. “Don’t eat all of the little smokies!” you wailed, crossing your arms. “Ya fuckin’ animal.”

Luke chuckled and tossed his used toothpick into the trash under the sink. Meanwhile, his eyes caught a glimpse of– “your shoes. What are those? Fuckin’ clown shoes.”

Your mouth fell open. “Meanie. I bought these on sale. ‘m sorry they’re too ugly for your Christmas party.”

“Oh, no, I’m not worried about that,” he said with a grin. “’m worried about the... the sea bear.”

You rolled your eyes and started towards the living room. “Fuck you.”

“Bet ya wish you could,” he replied, following suit.

“Literally, I never– “

“Stop right there!” Liz shouted from across the living room. A little over a dozen heads snapped in the direction of you and Luke, and their smiles only widened. For a moment, Luke couldn’t figure it out.

But then, he looked up.

“Shit,” he mumbled, eyeing the mistletoe that hung above the two of you.

Your eyebrows furrowed as your eyes followed his gaze, and once again your mouth fell open slightly.

“If ya don’t kiss, I’ll beat you up,” threatened someone, and their statement was followed by a bunch of kiss chants that sent Luke’s blood boiling.

He wasn’t angry, nor was he upset. He was nervous. Your eyes were still locked on the dainty branches hanging just above his forehead, and Luke didn’t know what to do. Your lips, the lips that he had thought about kissing for years, were pulled into a small pout.

“We don’t have to,” he mumbled, trying his best to smile through the pain of the situation. But he knew it wasn’t a bad pain. The ache was crawling up his chest and into his throat, preventing his voice from tossing out words that didn’t need to be said.

You shrugged, neck twisting to face the family that had practically become your own after all of these years. If this had occurred years ago, would he feel your hesitance the same? “Let’s just please ‘em,” you sighed with a chuckle. “They won’t let us live it down otherwise.”

“Ya sure?”

You nodded, the small smiling growing ever so slightly as your shoulders rose and fell with grace. “No harm in it.”

Luke nodded, too. You were wrong, however, because if nothing changed after this, the harm would come to him.

“So, we just– “

He took a small step forward, touching the tip of his boots to the tip of your clown shoes. Sure, he had been this close to you hundreds of times before, if not closer, but the proximity meant nothing then. It meant nothing when he crawled on top of you to retrieve the remote. It meant nothing when you attacked him after a game of charades. It meant nothing until he finally realized it always meant something.

Luke inhaled sharply, resting his hands on your waist as you gave him another reassuring smile. He truly loved your smile. “S’okay?” he whispered while leaning in and resisting the urge to back away.

You hummed. Your hands had found their way up to his neck, and his skin burned from the touch. Even without the pads of your fingers dancing along the muscles along his throat, his skin would still burn.

He felt as though years had passed by the time you closed the distance, your bottom lip gently nestling in between his. You put an ample amount of pressure into the kiss, careful not to overstep your boundaries, but Luke’s mind took control after that. His fingers dug into your waist as he took the chance to press his lips a little harder against yours. The skin on his cheeks would melt off if either of you took this a bit further. Every nerve in his body had ignited.

And then you let go, and suddenly everything felt cool again. He didn’t like the sensation of your lips leaving his, but he did like the timid smile that stretched across your blushing cheeks. There were cheers from his parents, hoots and hollers from his uncles and aunts, but he could hardly hear a single thing. Luke needed you to know how that kiss made him feel.

“Um,” he mumbled, letting out a cough as he reached for his beer to take a quick swig. Luke glanced over at the clock on the stove before looking back to you. “Grab your coat and meet me outside.” He took off towards his bedroom a moment later.

The shaking in his hands hadn’t subsided by the time he met you outside. Your teeth were chattering, but you looked too damn adorable in your knit hat. He couldn’t believe that he had kissed you. He couldn’t believe that he had kissed you.

“W-what’s up buttercup?” you stuttered with a great big smile. Maybe you hadn’t minded the kiss at all. Nevertheless, it didn’t make the upcoming conversation any easier.

Luke kicked a chunk of snow onto the sidewalk. “Uh.” He winced, brushing his curls back before adjusting the beanie on his head. “Shit, I don’ really know where to start.” He let out a defeated laugh. His hands were already raw despite the fur-lined pockets of his coat. If only he had brought gloves.

You didn’t say anything as the two of you rounded the corner onto the next street over. The street lamps and porch lights lit the path well with the help of the snow as a reflector. Luke believed that, throughout his sixteen years of knowing you, he had shared secrets much deeper than his fondness towards you. None of them proved to be as nerve-wracking as this moment right here.

“Y’know when we were like, sixteen, and you told the girl I liked that I didn’t like her?” he asked, a hot puff of air hitting his cheeks as he exhaled rapidly. Luke gazed over at you and watched your confused expression tighten.

“I-I think so?”

“I wasn’t really that mad.” Luke wanted to reach out for your hand, similar to the times he would do it just to hold onto something.

“Oh, okay.”

“And the time Lara asked me to stop– “

You snorted. “Fucking hated that bitch.”

Luke smirked in response. “Yeah, that really pissed me off. It destroyed me. I dunno why I didn’t realize that I’d pick you over her any day. Fuck, I’d pick you over anyone.”

“Really?”

Despite the conflict arising in his brain, Luke reached out for your hand, and he was relieved when you gladly complied. “Mhm.” He blinked and breathed out a few times to hopefully steady his heart rate. “’nd when I got mad ‘bout that guy at the party a few years ago.”

“Oh, Lu, I told you I hardly remember– “

“But I do,” he said, frowning. “I was so jealous. Like, so fuckin’ jealous. Didn’t know why. Couldn’t even figure it out. And then, it clicked, and suddenly– “

“What clicked?” You stopped walking, your eyes widening, but just barely.

Luke swallowed thickly. “I jus’– I guess I– “ He sighed. “I don’t even know when I noticed but– “

“Luke,” you chuckled, tugging on his hand, “it’s just me.”

He stared at you, noticing how relaxed you seemed in his presence. You were right, it was just you. He nodded and took one more deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

Your smile faltered, and in that moment, Luke could feel his heart fall to his feet, but the smile soon grew once again. “Y’are?” You bit your lip.

He could feel his lips twitch into a grin as well as he nodded again, his grip on your hand slackened gently. “Yeah,” he whispered.

In one swift movement, you had your arms wrapped around his neck as you pressed your cold lips to his. Noses bumped, and teeth clashed, but neither of you seemed to care as your embrace tightened. Luke could feel your smile against his chapped cheeks, and he didn’t mind one bit that your toes were on his. He hardly had enough strength to balance the two of you, but if you were to collapse into the snow bank beside the shoveled path, he wouldn’t care one bit.

“Is this– um,” Luke pulled away to look at you. “Does this mean– “

“If you don’t get too bummed over losing charades again for the ninth year in a row, I might just be in love with you, too.”

[ashthatdrmmrgrl]

ANSWER ALL THEM YOU BITCH👩‍💻🤪

Ooh she's getting fiesty 😈😂 here you are, love ❤

1. What is your preferred place to write?

Laptop/computer, but since I dont have either anymore, my phone is my go to

2. When did you start writing?

I think it was 8th grade offically; my english teacher got me into reading and writing so that was the 2013/2014 school year I think

3. Favourite thing to write?

Idk, I like writing gay smut if that counts for something 🤷‍♀️

4. Fluff or angst?

I'm good at writing fluff but I love reading angsty stuff

6. Where do you usually find inspiration?

Ideas come to me in dreams, otherwise if I'm watching a movie/TV, listening to music, or just seeing something during the day will spark something.

7. Do you listen to music to help you write?

Yes! I would get soooo distracted if I didn't; that way I dont hear anything outside my head and I can focus on my writing (I'm listening to music now as I'm answering these too actually 😂)

8. What's the biggest "challenge" for you as a writer?

Finding time to write at all; I've got so many ideas bopping around in my head but life gets in the way 😭😭

9. Where do you usually go to write?

My room usually; it gives me privacy and a lot less distractions than my living room or outside the house.

10. Can you give us a sneak peek at your current WIP?

Yes!! I love this scene so much so you get to read it again;

My phone buzzed in my hands and I look down to see Sofia's face smiling at me. I pause my music and pull my earbuds out. 

"The Kid's calling," I say aloud before answering. "Hey, Fi!" 

"Hey yourself, is Steve available? I've got history questions that I need help with and he's not answering his phone."

I roll my eyes but put the phone on speaker. "Steve, Fi needs help with her homework."

"What's up, kiddo?" Steve asks, keeping his eyes on the road. 

"Stupid history homework; about the Commandos and I thought, 'what better way to finish this then get it straight from the source, old man," Sofia says. Sam lets out a small laugh and Bucky shifts awkwardly beside me. 

"Alright, shoot," Steve says with a shake of his head. 

"Original 7 members? I only know 3 of them off hand," Sofia starts.

"Easy, Me, Buck, Dum Dum, Morita, Jones, Monty, and Frenchy," Steve says casually. There's a pause before Sofia's sigh echoes through the car. 

"I don't think my teacher would appreciate it if I put their names in as if we were best friends," Sofia says offhandedly.

Steve cleats his throat awkwardly. "Right. Uh, Steve Rogers, James Barnes, Timothy Dugan, Jim Morita, Gabriel Jones, James Montgomery Falsworth, and Jacques Dernier," Steve reiterates after Sofia's let's out little "uh huhs."

"Why were the Howling Commandos formed?" Sofia asks next. 

"To eliminate and wipe HYDRA bases off the map; although it seems we weren't very successful," Steve says with a frown and I see his eyes flash towards the rear view mirror, to look at Bucky, I'm assuming.

"Who did the Commandos capture during a raid in the Alps?" 

"Arnim Zola." 

There was a pause and I couldn't help but look over at Bucky who almost looked startled that he had spoken.

"Who was that?" Sofia asks a moment later. 

"Oh, uh, Sofia, that was Bucky," I say, my voice cracking at his name. Sofia stays quiet. I check my phone and see the phone was still connected. 

"Bucky?" Sofia asks, sounding doubtful.  "As in Stevie's Bucky?" 

I feel Bucky almost stiffen in surprise next to me. "Yeah, that would be him," I confirm. 

Sofia stays quiet for a few beats again before clearing her throat. "Right, well when do you think you guys are gonna be home? I hate all of this cooking I've gotta do now that you guys are gone, not that either of you were chef's," Sofia complains. 

"I'm not sure, kiddo," Steve chirps from in front of me. I lean my elbows onto the front seat and rest my head near his shoulder. "We've got something really important to take care of." 

"Okay, well stay safe, and don't do anything stupid; Sam, keep them in line," Sofia says with a laugh.

"Will do, Half Pint," Sam promises.

"Well, I'll talk to you guys later. And it was nice to meet you Bucky," she says. 

Bucky doesn't respond, but the rest of us say goodbye before I hang up. 

"Thanks, Steve," I say, clapping my hands over Steve's shoulders. 

"Anytime; I don't mind helping the kid out," Steve says. 

I ruffle Steve's hair before leaning back and laughing. Bucky was looking between Steve and I with confusion written all over his face.

"So the kid?" Bucky asks, his eyes resting on Steve for a moment before looking at me.

"Yeah, she's great," Steve says excitedly and flashes Bucky a smile. 

"She's my sister," I say and look down to see Sofia had texted me. 

I forgot to ask while on the phone but could you ask Steve if I can look through some of his stuff that the museum let him have back?

"Hey Steve, can she look through the stuff the Smithsonian gave back to you? She didn't say what for though," I ask. 

"Yeah, no problem, tell her I've got stuff in the chest at the end of the bed."

"Cool cool, thanks," I say and pass the information onto Sofia. 

"Not a problem," Steve says as he takes the off ramp and turns left. "Sharon's just up here," he points out a black car that was pulled over under the bridge. 

Steve pulls over and ducks out of the car and greets Sharon with a smile. 

Bucky sits up and looks out the front window, eyes flickering across the background, scanning the surrounding area. Bucky's knees hit the back of Sam's seat and he glares at the back of Sam's head. 

"Can you move your seat up?" He asks for probably the 100th time this trip, sounding bored.

"No," Sam replies once again. 

I roll my eyes and squish myself against the window. "Scoot over here more," I offer, pointing towards the leg room that I've got behind Steve's seat. 

"Thanks," Bucky mumbles and scoots over so his arm is pressed against mine. It was quiet while we watched Steve and Sharon talk as she popped her trunk. "So," Bucky starts quietly, trying to exclude Sam from the conversation. "How long have you and Steve been together?" 

Sam, of course, hears and snorts out a laugh, having to hold onto the door for support. 

I felt my face flush and I reach over the seat to smack Sam across the side of his head. "Shut up, bird brain. Steve and I aren't together though," I say, turning to look at Bucky who looked embarrassed. 

"Sorry, I just assumed…" Bucky apologizes. 

"Nah, it's okay, everyone apparently thinks the same thing," I say with a shrug. "Steve's like a brother to me. Plus right now he's not swinging this way."

Bucky's eyebrows shoot up as he looks at me with wide eyes. "So like, he's..?"

"Gay? Yeah, basically. He still likes women, but he's actually with my brother, Graham," I say, pulling up a picture of Graham, Steve, Sofia, and I on my phone. Tony insisted on us having more family pictures even though we were the least conventional family on the planet.

"So being… a homosexual," Bucky says, almost sounding like the term was weird coming off his tongue. "That's openly okay now? I don't mind, but the 30s really pressed people down, so I didn't think Steve… at least I think, from what I remember," Bucky trails off and looks out to see Steve giving Sharon a hug before grabbing the gear from the trunk. 

"He was hard on himself at first," I say, remembering how weird Steve would act whenever Graham would say something to try and test the waters. "I think knowing and befriending Graham really helped him a lot, seeing that it's not a mental illness, that you wouldn't be imprisoned or institutionalized for it."

Bucky still looks at Steve, but there was a small smile crooked at the corner of his mouth and his eyes seemed fond. 

"I'm happy for him," is all Bucky says in reply.  

"So am I," I say, patting Bucky's forearm with my hand. "So am I." 

11. How many stories have you written so far?

Well I've only ever completed 1, (excluding oneshots) but I've got... at leave 7 going, a few that I've discontinued, and a shit ton of ideas that haven't been written yet 😂

12. What's your favourite thing that you ever wrote?

Well I'm honestly so proud of my Beauty and the Beast Lashton fanfic that I wrote and the only one I've ever finished. But I'm also sooo proud of 2 WIPs that I'm writing with the lovely asker

13. How many chapters does your longest series have?

I dont have any series yet, but my longest fic has like 200,000 words and no distinctive chapters yet (writing specific scenes then gluing them together)

14. What's your favourite character/person to write for?

I only really write Lashton or Stucky but I'm my cowritten books I have an OC be with Ashton Irwin and Bucky Barnes because DAMN they are kweens

15. "OCs" or "Reader" inserts?

I personally like writing OCs but I've been getting into readers lately

16. Can you tell us anything about your current WIP?

I suppose, but asker already knows since she's helping me write it 😂 it's a Marvel fic about these two girls and their brother who lose their parents in the Battle of New York in 2012. Brother is working for Stark Industries already when Steve asks my OC to join the Avengers but my OC and her brother keep that a secret from their younger sister (my friends OC). That's enough for now tho 😘

17. How long was the longest fic you ever wrote?

Question 13 kinda answered this question but its 200,000ish and growing

18. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel and 5sos mainly, but I used to do Supernatural back in like 2015/2016. I also dabble in Shadowhunter stuff too

19. What is/are your favourite fandom author/authors?

Well the asker is such an amazing writer I love her work, um, @Larry_Lashton on Wattpad is good, @moonstruckbucky and @sunmoonandbucky are phenomenal

20. Have you ever written an AU?

That's basically all I write; I've only got one original piece and not many are real to whatever reality.

21. What is your favourite AU trope?

I have a weakness for Professor Seb/Bucky and I love stucky (and StuckyxReaders) so if you know of any hmu 😉

22. A fanfiction trope you can't help but love?

ENEMIES TO LOVERS FUCK

23. For how long have you been a fandom writer?

Shortly after I started writing, so like 2015?

24. Have you ever had an idea for a story and forgot about it?

Absolutely! I usually loosely plot out the whole thing and try and hit the main points but by like... 1/4 or 1/2 way through depending on how long it is I'm like fuck I totally forgot I was going to add that (and by then it wouldn't make sense to add it in)

25. What do you do to motivate yourself to write?

Listen to music, but I also read what I've got to help myself get back into the flow of the story.

26. How did you find out you like to write?

Like I said it was 8th grade and my english teacher showed me this new side of reading that I didnt know about and then I was like fuck I can do this too!

27. Are there any writers (fanfiction writers or not) that have inspired you to start writing?

Well I used to only read the Twilight series, but then I read Cassandra Clare's books, and the it sorta branched out from there, so Stephanie Meyer and Cassandra Clare are who you should thank for that 😂

28. What's your favourite fandom to write for?

Does Stucky count as it's own fandom? Because that ship sails itself man #ExceptEndgame #FuckingSucked

29. Describe your style in three words.

Um... smutty... gay.... fluffy?

30. What would you say is the most "famous" fic you've ever written?

Well I've got one on Wattpad with almost 20k but it's a continuation of a story that has like 300k, otherwise most of my other ones on there have 4k actually.

31. Blurbs or drabbles?

Both are great, dudes 🤷‍♀️

32. Have you ever written smut?

33. How long does it usually take you to write?

Used to be I could get like 20 chapters (decently long ones too) in about 8 months but now I'm not really posting anything and I'm slowly working on a current WIP

34. What's your favourite font to use when writing?

Ariel, size 11, 1.15 line spacing. Veranda is a nice font too though

35. What do you prefer to write: longer or shorter fics?

I like long ones man; but I either write forever long ones or oneshots 😂

36. How do you keep yourself inspired? Seeing new things, listening to new music. Sleeping?

37. Have you ever written something you didn't like but posted it anyway?

I don't think so. I mean I've posted stuff that I wasn't excited about, but I don't think I've ever hated anything I've written

38. What's your "strong suit" as a writer?

My OCD with punctuation and formatting?

39. What's your favourite trope?

Friends who are oblivious to the other persons feelings so they dont ever make a move until they're drunk 🤷‍♀️ *40s Stucky bonus*

40. How many likes does your fics usually get?

300 for 4k reads on Wattpad

41. Have you ever used a prompt?

Absolutely! Sometimes you just need a little help and there ain't nothing wrong with that!

42. What is your weakness as a writer?

I am obsessed with the small details that nobody cares about (especially height comparisons) but I think that comes from my artistical side.

43. Have you ever cried or felt any emotion while reading something you wrote?

Oh absolutely, all the fucking time!

44. Have you ever done a collab with another writer?

Yes! Only 1 other writer who is also the asker 😘😘

45. One thing you love about fanfiction?

I think it's an amazing thing to write because people already have deep connections with the characters so you dont have to waste the first part telling their story (unless it's an AU, but even then it's totally okay to just jump right into it!)

46. What's your favourite emotion to cause your readers?

I definitely enjoy leaving them on the edge of their seats, but I also love writing fluffy scenes that make peoples hearts flutter

47. What's your favourite thing about writing?

The creativity and ability to create a reality! There's endless possibilities and that's so fascinating and amazing to me

48. Do you post your writing on other platforms? I only post on Wattpad, but I have thought about posting things on tumblr too! Thoughts?

49. What app/apps do you use to write?

Either google docs or just in Wattpad itself

50. One thing you don't like about fanfiction?

Some people get the characters totally wrong personality wise and that sorta bugs me when reading because I get confused

51. Least favourite trope?

Coffee shop AUs are a little boring unless somebody brings something new to the table (like one of them is a vampire or witch or single parent instead of just like OH this barista/customer is cute). But if I come across a coffee shop AU I'm not going to NOT read it, you know?

52. Favourite words to use when writing?

No? I mean I know everyone's writing is different and unique to the person but I don't think I have any favourites.

53. Least favourite words?

When writing straight smut I get uncomfortable with certain words people use to describe the female anatomy other then that no 🤷‍♀️

54. Do you usually like what you write?

Yeah! And if I don't, I'll change it until I like it before posting it 😂

thank you @scaryaryanna for the lovely ask and thank you to anybody who stuck around to read everything ❤❤❤❤❤

[s3dgy]

I posted 13,635 times in 2021

2 posts created (0%)

13633 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 6816.5 posts.

I added 30 tags in 2021

#sedge is jojoposting - 9 posts

#hsfdgjsh - 5 posts

#jjba - 4 posts

#sedge's first fic adventure - 2 posts

#vento aureo - 2 posts

#what the fuck - 2 posts

#psa - 2 posts

#star trek - 2 posts

#reactor core is the only valid -core - 1 posts

#boogie baby - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 95 characters

#which means i’ve pretty much been living in a straight-up pile of garbage for the last 6 months

My Top Posts in 2021

#2

hey!!!

since i have one friend in particular who i know has some personal hangups surrounding jjba, i’ve come up with the tag “#sedge is jojoposting” so that it can be blocked for those who don’t wanna see me posting about jjba!

0 notes • Posted 2021-10-16 18:00:52 GMT

#1

i wrote a terrible self-insert fanfic when i was 11-12 and now i'm going through it and fixing my pronouns for Gender Euphoria™ reasons but leaving the rest of it alone, here are my thoughts but i'm not gonna provide any context

the plot of this fic was basically just the "you wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid" meme

hoo boy was i Repressed™ and it shows

WOW i really have been a sucker for hurt/comfort from the jump huh

jesus fucking christ i could really go down a rabbit hole psychoanalyzing this shit

LMFAO 😂😂😂 I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA OWN NOT ONE BUT MULTIPLE LANDLINE PHONES AS AN ADULT

LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LIVE IN APARTMENT THAT WAS LARGE ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE A THING

IN THIS ECONOMY??? OH HONEY

okay WHAT the fuck was my obsession with owning a satchel??? like bitch??? hello???

side note: i did end up getting a satchel like two years later, so, yay for that i guess

cannot BELIEVE i simped this hard over an anime character when i was in middle school

wh- hang on what the fuck. that. that doesn't make ANY goddamn sense, how did i think that would work physically??? bitch

hm. you know what, That Sentence In Particular says some shit about me that i am not ready to unpack yet, so i'm not gonna!

you know i know i said i was only gonna fix the pronouns but it's my gender and i get to experience the gender euphoria so i think i'm also gonna change the way my hair is described to match the way it looks now

y'know, now i'm kinda understanding why my 6th grade english teacher prohibited me from writing fanfic for a school assignment but still. she was kind of a bitch about it and that was unnecessary.

god i remember writing this in the notes app on my iphone 3gs. i remember copying/pasting giant chunks of it to send to my best friend through kik messenger because she didn't have a cell phone. but most importantly i remember her hyping me tf up and how important that was to me. good times

hsfdgjsh my professors are gonna be talking to me in class like "so what'd you do last night? get any sleep?" and i'm gonna be like "no i fucking psychoanalyzed my childhood self through the lens of my old fanfiction"

BOY HOWDY WAS THAT A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS. REALLY WISH I HADN'T DESCRIBED THAT PARTICULAR ACTION IN THAT WAY.

bitch i am begging you to use normal fucking words p l e a s e

a MINIVAN??? of all the cars i could've picked for myself to drive, i chose A MINIVAN??? i mean it's practical, space-wise, but WHAT THE FUCK

of fucking course the minivan is green. i mean it still IS my favorite color tbf

wow this bitch did not give a FUCK about car insurance costs okay. damn wish i could be her 😔 she's out here tokyo drifting up in this bitch

oh my fucking god i did NOT understand how cars work lmao. or like, fuckin physics for that matter

i- did this vehicle just not have airbags in it or something??? because they probably fucking should've gone off by now holy shit

"put the car back into second gear" BITCH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SECOND GEAR AND FIRST GEAR SETTINGS ON THE GEAR SHIFT OF MY CAR EVEN DO.

aaand we're just gonna... okay. i mean it makes sense in context i guess, but... okay. fine. you do you, kid.

wh- how did paint get scraped off the sides of the car??? the sides of the car never fucking touched anything i- fuck it. never mind.

i- okay i know the car thing was kind of bonkers per my earlier description but it wouldn't have caused THAT to happen

IT'S ON FIRE??? IT'S ON FUCKING FIRE??? B I T C H

okay so we're just back to our regularly scheduled programming after all that then? cool whatever i guess

y'know i'm not sure of the accuracy of that scientific technobabble but it sounded at least a little bit believable so. good job, past me. you get points for that one

my fucking god why couldn't any of these characters tell a halfway-decent lie to save their lives lmao

ahhh wait i remember why the car is Fucked™ now. it's because the mental image i had in my head of a different scene involving a car involved a different car, so i had to COMPLETELY DESTROY the first car i mentioned for some goddamn reason.

wh- MILK??? bitch what were you ON

1 notes • Posted 2021-02-26 08:28:47 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[jaskiersbeloved]

2x18 Awake, Arise, or Be Forever Fallen

WARNING: This review contains spoilers

1.MAGNUS

Omg. Boiiiiii did Harry killed it. Magnus and his doubts were so real. Honestly I’m praying that he won’t take The Queen’s offer. Luke’s right this is stupid and dangerous. But aside that… I’m happy to see this very human side of Magnus. With second thoughts. Thinking. Being helpful. Being confused. God. More of this please.

2.MALEC

I need to say this right freaking now. They DIDN’T brake up. Nah. Nu-uh. Stop.Okay? Okay. So I’m glad we have this clear. So focusing on the flashbacks. Holy shit. That was gooooooooooooooooooooood! They fixed 2x07, gave us the flashback from 1x06 and that morning scene. OMG they are getting better and better. Even THE HARD TALK was… Really good. Healthy. I have cried but I also enjoyed this. Call me a masochist… (Btw if you wanna see my theory about Malec click here) Btw… I have almost forgot how annoying Alec was in s1… Character development guys, you’re doing it right…

3. Alec

I feel you dude. Geez he is such a great leader, brother and lover. He has his flwas, he has made mistakes but he is learning from them and it’s great. I love how they somehow comapred Alec from s1 and the one from s2. I love how he was worried about Max, comforted Izzy, how he didn’t blame her and that he said to Magnus that he has no right to ask him for help his FIRST. And that he really was willing to fight for him. Go, Alec!

4. Sebastian

Haha!! A 12-year-old outsmarted you bitch! And Clary too! How does it feel, sweetie? Go back to Edom, really, I don’t need you here. But God. He was scary af and he is a master of his game. Too bad that he haden’t check this box (for him, not for our mains ofc), I wonder what he’s up to now. I mean he doesn’t know about the Lake, does he?

5. Luke

YES!, Yes! Yes. FINALLY! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG!!! They finally have showed him as a pack leader! A strong one who knows what he should do and how to do this. The man who gets what he wants. The man who cares. Who thinks about his pack. A FREAKING ALPHA. God, that fight with Russel and that he decided to spare him and even make him go back to his pack were AMAZING. Alpha Luke my friends. He will protect you. He knows bettter than you what is good for you. Listen to him.

6. CLARY

Yes, Go, girl! I’m proud of you and I can finally say it. She figured out who Jonathan is. She made the plan. She discovered what the Mortal Mirror is. She did it.! She fought Sebastian. She was finally making responsible decisions. Omg. I can’t belive it! I feel SO blessed! Keep it up, please, please, please!

7. MAIA

WHO HAS HURT MY PRECIOUS RAY OF SUNSHINE?! LET ME AT HIM! I WILL KILL HIM WITH MY 5ft3′ BODY! Oh girl you deserve so much better. I’m glad that we are learing more about her and her past. She deserves to be happy. To smile. And besides how she was willing to help Bat was really touching. I love her so much

8. Saia

I ship it. I really do. They are cute together and I so, so hope that it will last long enough and IF they breake up they remain friends. Simon is listening to Maia, he wants to help her and wooooow. And the kisss was so sweet. ^^

9. Simon

Even though he hasn’t done much in this episode I enyoed his apperences. Really. Smiling and being serious when Maia needed him. Make him smile more. Make him work with Downwolders more. It makes really good things to him.

10. Izzy

Poor girl. Really. She must feel awful. But she doesn’t deserve this! She didn’t know! And OMG all of the Lightwood family were GOLD. And I’m so glad that literally no one blamed her. So she shouldn’t do this either. And boy she’s gonna kick Sebastian’s ass. I know this. She’s so angry.

11. JACE

Hm.. There wasn’t very much of him to write about him… But I really liked him being worried about Max and his struggles and willing to take Sebastian on his own. Really. Hope I would get to write about him more next week.

12. Ollie

Girl. REALLY? I thought Raphael has fixed it! Stop spying on Luke! You’re gonna get yourself killed! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DRAG YOUR GIRLFREIND INTO THIS!

13. The Seelie Queen

Uhm.. Your royal Highness? With all respect… SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. You’re gonna start a war, can’t you see this! Listen to Luke and shut up! Btw… HOW DARE YOU CALL MAGNUS’S LOVE FOR ALEC A CRUSH! BITCH BE PREAPRED ‘CAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW THE DAY OR AN HOUR WHEN I COME AFTER YOU!

14. Bat

Awww… Poor him :( He is so scared but… He’s in good hands. He’s gonna be fine, right? RIIIIIIHT? Under Luke’s and Maia’s wing he’d be safe…

15. Max

Yaaay! the didn’t kill him! So me and my bro were right! Life for life!

16. AFTER ALL

How I LOVED this episode! it was even better than 2x13! And I thought they won’t beat this in the SAME season! Fuck. ANYONE who will say that neither Harry, Matt and Will can play gonna get killed by me. Really. Don’t you have eyes people?! They were all AMAZING. I want more,more, more!!!! And I think I’m gonna do the crazy thing and give this episode 6 out of 6. Really. Good job guys. Keep it up!

P.S. I’m 100% sure that Matt just gave the writers some of his fav malec fanfications and made them to use those fanfictions. No one will convince me otherwise, not even Matt himself!

[allmyawesomeness]

Prison Bars and Past Wounds

A/N: So this is my first fanfiction work. I obviously don’t own HP or CM! I wrote much of this piece on my iPod around midnight when creativity struck while I was supposed to study for exams! So there will probably be plot holes and loose ends - mostly because I’m not decided on whether I want it to be a oneshot or multichapter thing! Although my mind is currently ruled by the APA because even though I was writing for pleasure, my first instinct was Size 12, Times New Roman :P Oh and heads up guys - its a loooong one!

I would like your feedback but be gentle dear readers.

He woke up suddenly, eyes looking wildly around the small space. By the time he relaxed, another scare was ready for him in the form of a shadow moving in the dark. Slowly, as his eyes focused, he noticed the dim light emanating from the corner and as the shadow moved forward, he finally saw that it was a person. “Wha….How?” This was all he could utter in his shocked state. “Spencer” His name called out as a mere sigh was all that he got back. But it was enough to kick his tired brain into gear. “Hermione! What are you doing here?? HOW did you even get in??” “Shhhh..wake up everyone, will you!” hissed Hermione, even as she waved her hand. He could feel her magic, like a tingle up his spine, even though she didn’t say the spell out loud, nor could he see anything. For a moment there was absolute silence. Both figures waiting to see if anyone else had heard the slight commotion. A deep breath and Hermione moved forward and down on her knees to look her oldest friend in the eyes, “Diana told me what happened. Well I called her first to check up on her, but then the caretaker told me she was freaked out but I guess she calmed down when she heard my name ‘cause next thing I know I’m hearing you’re in jail for MURDER???” Spencer, who’d opened his mouth to ask a question of his own, wisely shut it as she continued. “And at first I thought this was an April fools prank but a) its not April and b) your Mum’s sense of humour is much better than this!” “But why are you here?” was all Spencer could think and so he asked her just that. “Because You’re in here!! Damnit Newton, I could’ve helped you! I could’ve gotten you out. I still can! You should’ve told me!” The worry and hurt in her voice worked very well to bring out his own. Although a calm person by nature, his anger and pain exploded out of him. “Told you? You made it very clear who you do and don’t care about Hermione and I was firmly in the latter. Your actions have assured me of that. So NO! I didn’t tell you and I wouldn’t have told you! We haven’t spoken in years for fucks sake!” There was no response that she could come up with. The last time she had seen Spencer so angry was also the last time they’d had a full conversation. Granted it did end with a shouting match and storming out by both parties involved. Guilt and pain was clear in her eyes, but Spencer’s own emotions had currently blinded him to hers. Ten years and it still feels too soon to be understanding, to forgive. Deep breaths, and lets try this again, thought Hermione. “Spencer, you’re in jail!” “I know.” “For murder and drug possession with intent to distribute.” “I know.” This was accompanied by a raised eyebrow, his expression saying much more than these two measly words, something more to the lines of hurry up and lets get done with the recap so we can get to the big fat elephant. This did very little to help her temper in check. 

“Well if you know, can you please put your damn pride and ego aside and fucking talk to me!” “Pride! Really Mimi? Great! So if I hurt you, I’m a monster and its alright if you don’t talk to me but when you’re the one at fault and I do the same, it’s my pride?” “It is when the alternative is you rotting in a 2x2 cell for the rest of your life!” … No response. This silence from Spencer was getting on her last nerves. Despite this, a small part of her brain noticed that he called her Mimi again and filed away that piece of information for later examination. “Please Spencer. Let me help you. I can get you out of here in a blink. You know this.” Still no reply from the man in front of her. His quietude was doing wonders for making Hermione all the more desperate to put her point across. She was aware of her past mistakes and the hurt she caused her friend. But she was trying to make things right now. Irrespective of that, she would never let anything like this happen to her Spencer, however he may or may not feel about her now. He’s not your Spencer anymore, he’s not your anything anymore sweetheart, reminded her mind. “I-I know I was wrong Spence. I know. And I’m so so sorry. I also know nothing can make that better. Nothing can take away your pain or what I did to you. But please let me help you now. Let me do this. I’m begging you. After this if you never wanna see me again I’ll go away. You won’t hear from me ever again. Just….just let me get you out of here. I know you don’t wanna stay here. Please.” ….. “Please. Please say something at least.” “I can’t.” “What?” “I can’t let you help me escape out of here.” “Spencer don’t do—” “It’s not my pride Hermione.” “Then why would you ask me to leave you here.” “Because my team is doing everything to prove I’m innocent and get me out. They’re giving their all to find Lewis and clear my name. I can’t let all that go to waste by doing this. If I escape, it would say that I have something to hide, that I’m guilty. I would never be able to be an agent again. And I couldn’t live with that. The BAU, being SSA Dr. Spencer Reid is all I’ve known. Its all I ever want to do. The BAU is where I belong. And I’d lose that completely if I run away.” “So what, you’re gonna spend however long that takes in here hoping they’ll be successful?” Disbelief was apparent in her voice. Spencer couldn’t fault her for it, there were times he himself doubted he’d survive long enough for that. He knew he wasn’t made for prison. But he also knew his team. He knew his family. He knew they’d never give up. And so he couldn’t either. He said so to Hermione. “I have to. They’re my family. They’d never give up trying for me. I owe it to them to do the same.” Hermione looked down as all the strength that had been holding her up seemed to seep out of her as the realisation hit her that he would go through this torture, all because he had so much faith in his team, whom he clearly loved as his family. There was a time when you were his family but you gave it up. Don’t be bitter now, her brain told her. Her eyes had filled up when she looked up at him. “So that’s it. I just leave you here? How do I do that?” “You’ve done it before. Easily.” Came the reply. The words weren’t angry or taunting. There was no scorn or even sarcasm. Just tiredness and a hint of bitterness that comes from old wounds. He felt guilty when he saw her flinch but made sure not to show it. Hermione’s voice was small when she replied “I’m sorry.” “So you’ve said. But it’s not that easy Hermione.” “Spence..” “It was never just about me, you know.” “What?” “It was that you found this new world with people like you, who had your power, and suddenly there didn’t seem to be any place for me or your parents anymore! And I get it, I do, how it feels like you’ve never belonged anywhere and then you finally find this place where you’re not a freak or the weird one. Neither your parents and nor me would ever begrudge you that acceptance and belonging.” And suddenly Hermione was realising that she was so off the mark in understanding why her best friend since she was a little girl was hurt by her! He’d never before opened up about his anger, only lashing out. Now that he was starting to talk, she couldn’t utter a word to him, only listen as he spoke. “It was that we were replaced. All of us. You found Harry and Ronald and suddenly I wasn’t there in your life anymore. But what hurt me more was that you left behind your parents dammit! I get that the Weasleys were like your family, they accepted you and you found people who you could look up to and they considered you as a daughter and vice versa. But you forgot that you did have parents back home. Parents who loved you unconditionally and were ready to stay away from their only child and The most important person in their lives just so you could find yourself and somewhere you belong. Did you think they were happy sending you away every year, knowing it was distancing you from them, that they could never be a part of that world? How easy do you think it was for them when the daughter they’d spent 9 months away from, wouldn’t come home for Christmas and Easter year after year, preferring to stay back with her friends in school? That even when you came home for summers, you’d spend most of it over at the Weasleys? That they didn’t hurt? But they did it anyways. All for you. And you very conveniently forgot about them. They tried so hard for you, expecting you to at least try to include them in your life but you’d just say they wouldn’t understand because they didn’t have magic, you’d never even give them the chance to be your damn parents because you had found Molly and Arthur Weasley! I wasn’t hurt because you left me behind. I was hurt because you were so selfish that you didn’t care what you were putting them through!” It was like a bucketful of ice water had fallen on her. Spencer didn’t mince his words and every sentence was a knife to her heart as she realised just how much she had destroyed her relationship with her parents, disregarded everything they had done for her. It broke something in her to hear from him how much she had fallen. As everything Spencer had said registered, she slowly started feeling like she couldn’t breathe. Her guilt seemed to choke her and she was still frozen. It was this that softened Spencer, as her saw that Hermione was finally face to face with all she’d put them through. The anguish was still there, but when his best friend, the first love of his life was breaking down in front of him, he finally hugged her to him. Because she would always be his best friend, the one who stayed up with him all night when Diana would have her bad days, who cursed for the first time when his father left him and his mom. He knew a part of him still loved her and will always love her. One does not get so hurt by just anyone. And one doesn’t hold a grudge for a decade for just a friend.

He could feel her fight him back, and after all these years he realised he still understood her because he knew she felt undeserving of his comfort and care, but he gave it to her anyways. He could feel his shirt soaking through as her tears ran unchecked. He slid down from his bed to the ground to hold her more easily as she sobbed in his arms, but he didn’t say a word. He couldn’t tell her it was alright because it wasn’t, and he couldn’t tell her he forgave her because he hadn’t, but by just holding her in her arms he let her know that he was still there, despite everything. “Do you make a habit of hugging people you hate? Is that one of the strategies you use on your suspects to break them?” Came the muffled voice from the woman in his arms. Despite the serious situation, Spencer choked out a laugh at this. “I don’t hate you Mimi. I’m just hurt by you. I’d hardly be holding all this resentment for you if I hated you!!” “I-I’m sorry.” There was a strangled laugh, without any humour really, that came from Hermione. “I seem to be saying this a lot. Funnily it doesn’t feel enough. I know it isn’t. But I’ll work—” “Hermione stop.” “No. You’re right Spence. I was selfish. I left you all behind. And I got angry at mum and dad when they wouldn’t tell me before going off on a holiday or some doctors beyond borders thing because then they wouldn’t be there for some event I’d have but I never realised what I was doing! I just, I know I have to make a LOT of amends, a lot of wrongs to right. And right now I can’t think of anything to do but beg and apologise until I come up with something I CAN do! But for now tell me how to help you Spence? You can’t expect me to leave you here and just not do anything but sit and fucking wait! Give me something, anything.” “There’s nothing to do Hermione. My team is working on finding Lewis, and when they do they can prove that I was drugged and I’m innocent.” “Who is this Lewis? You’ve mentioned him before. Is he some guy you put away?” “Peter Lewis, or as the media called him, Mr Scratch was an unsub who drugged people with……” and so Spencer recounted the whole story behind Scratch and why the team believes he’s the one behind framing him. As he finished, Spencer was aware of a dangerous glint in Hermione’s eyes, one that he knew meant she was preparing to destroy Lewis. Her words just confirmed this. “I’m gonna find him Spence. I swear to you, I’ll use every resource at my disposal but I will find this son of a bitch and he will pay! I can’t get you out of this jail but I WILL get you out of this mess somehow, no matter what it takes. I know your team is doing their best and I will do too. You just stay strong.” Spencer couldn’t help but smile. He recognised her fierceness and knew this quality in her never changed. This ruthlessness in protecting those she cared about was something she got from her mother. Mama granger was a ball of love and affection but when her family is threatened, she could obliterate anyone in her way, and similar was her daughter. He was amazed that after ten years, he could still recognise this in Hermione. “I will. I’m still hanging in there. I have to believe he will be caught. But Hermione, don’t do this. You don’t need to get involved. Lewis, he doesn’t care who he harms as long as he gets to his targets. Don’t get hurt.” “Spencer he won’t get to me. I went through a war. I know how to be careful. Don’t worry about me.” “You shouldn’t have to be careful. Just- just take care of my mom and your parents, he goes after those close to us, he’s already shown that.” “I’m not backing down. Our parents will be safe and I will be safe and so will you. The only person Not safe will be him when I find him. I need to do this Spence.” “Mimi, this is not your fight.” “It’s mine as long as it’s yours. I failed you once Spence, I won’t this time. You’ll get your life back. I promise.” “This is totally ridiculous. Ugghhh!! I can’t talk you out of this can I?” “Nope.” “Just be safe. I have yet to forgive you and I won’t be doing that if you’re dead.” ….. There was no sharp retort to this, and so he looked down on Hermione to see what she was thinking. Before he could ask her anything she spoke. “You’ve changed so much. You-you’re much more at ease and comfortable with yourself, despite where you are right now. It’s good to see you at peace with who you are.” She finished with a soft smile on her face, one hand stroking his cheek. They both turned bashful when they realised this closeness but didn’t move away, instead leaning closer. A soft touch of his lips to her hairline was all that happened, but it was as significant as any passionate kiss. But that was how their relationship had always been - silent as sleep and as vivid as dreams, passionate like a fire and calming like a breeze on an Indian summer evening. It is a dichotomy of contradictions. It was a reflection of how they both were as a person - silent, private, often appearing unattached due to rational thinking, but also feeling so much and so intensely. Hermione knew there was a long way to go to mend their relationship. Forgiveness has to be earned. But she was willing to work and could see that Spencer was not turning her away. Slowly she felt the peace settle in her heart, although the guilt remained. Spencer too felt more settled. It felt good to be able to say what had hurt him and have Hermione finally realise her mistakes. It didn’t change the past but with the experience from his work, if there’s one thing he has learned, it’s that there is too much evil in this world to hang on to the mistakes of everyone over their heads, especially when they are repentant. He knew his tendency to not confront the main issue had lead to them not talking to each other for over ten years, but he was tired of all the hate and resentment. He was ready to give her a chance as it was clear she was willing to go to great lengths to make things right and he had missed her. It was hardly the best timing for all of this, but he still went to sleep that night with a small smile on his face.

@criminal-minds-fanfiction @original-criminal-fanfics @dontshootmespence @reiding-and-writing @bookofreid @prettyboyandmione @criminalmindswriting @speedreiding @illegalcerebral @imagicana you guys are amazing and gave me confidence to actually write myself! thanks guys! xx

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty Six

I woke up like this - crappy. 

Haha, putting a morbid twist on Beyonce doesn’t work that well, huh? In all seriousness, my rising wasn’t that bad. I actually got close to 9 hours of sleep and only woke up twice to have a delightful coughing fit. 

My throat still felt pretty hoarse even after drinking water when I woke up in the middle of the night. The joys of having gastritis: the stomach acid seeping through my ruined esophagus and into my throat sucks up all the moisture in my mouth. 

And I thought having ‘dry mouth’ while I was still on antidepressants was hard to live with...

On the plus side, I didn’t have a single sneezing fit while I was at work. Maybe whatever illness I picked up two weeks ago is finally losing traction. I’m sneezing right now after coming home, but I will enjoy the small victories. 

Work was fine, pretty chilled in parts. I let three of my classes have ‘juice parties’ since they finished their first assessment last week while my fourth class had theirs yesterday. I even bought each of my students candy and chocolate. It feels nice having enough money again to splurge on other people, especially my students. Almost all of my monthly pay cheques in the past 6 months had gone to X and her ridiculous whims; I felt so trapped for the longest time. I can’t believe I let someone I loved use and abuse me so much. 

My students were pretty noisy and annoying all day and I finally snapped with my sixth graders when they would shut up after I repeatedly tried to get them to calm down and listen to me. So I dragged them outside into the hallway twice: once to do Jumping Jacks and then to hold their hands above their heads for a minute the second time for one minute. I made them re-start whenever they didn’t listen or follow my instructions to show them that I meant business. 

And after that - blissful silence for 10 minutes before the bell rang while I let them watch ‘Shazam’. 

It feels to get my way, even in these small situations. As dumb as it sounds, it makes me think that just maybe, I can take control of my life again after all the turmoil I’ve experienced in recent times. 

I’ve been re-reading a lot of my old fanfictions that I wrote years ago, all the way up last year. I took a hiatus from creative writing after X got ‘sick’; my heart just wasn’t in it during that time. A part of me is itching to get back into it; I seem to do my best work when I’m broken-hearted and miserable. But I don’t have any tangible ideas, only a desperate urge to write about something and everything. 

Anyway, I often re-read the comments that people have left on my stories to give me an ego boost and I came across a few from X. We first met online when she read some of my fanfics about random K-pop idols. 

Yes, I know, I like Korean pop music and it’s kinda embarassing. In my defence, the music is catchy and the idols are hot af. What else would’ve inspired me to write? 

But back to me and X. 

She was what you might call a ‘fanfic groupie’ of mine minus the sex. She liked my stories and she commented on lots of them over the years. But I didn’t notice her at first since I was still licking my wounds over my break-up with KA, who I had met in similar fashion. 

Yes, that’s right, I dated two of my fanfic groupies and both relationships fell apart. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. 

Anyway, I read through some of X’s old comments and they almost made me smile. This is mainly because I felt like I was reading a different person’s comments and not that of my ex-girlfriend. Some of her comments were before we dated and some of them were after we started dating. But all of them are the same: sweet, adoring and kind. I don’t care so much about the ‘adoration’ part, but I do miss X’s kindness and her sincerity. 

I miss everything I had before, especially the writing part. I always dreamed that I would one day became a world famous novelist like J.K. Rowling. Reading Harry Potter in my teens got me through some dark days and I always wanted my writing to do the same for other people. But that ‘million dollar idea’ that will land me a Hollywood movie deal as well is eluding me so far. Writing’s one of the few gifts that I have which makes me feel special and the spark is just gone these days. 

I hope I can write again soon, it might lift me out of this depressing hole that I’ve dug for myself lately. 

I started typing my blog entry while waiting for some bread that I ordered to arrive. Did you know that you can order some food items from online stores in China that will deliver to your home within an hour? I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but China is kind of fucking cool that way! I’m so addicted to online shopping. Maybe I could making shopping my new significant other instead of an actual person...

Alright, no more talking nonsense. I need to go to the gym and hate every bit of exercise I’m about to engage in. I haven’t binged Netflix in a while, maybe I’ll do that tonight. There are a couple of shows with new seasons I’d like to catch on. Plus, there’s a new Chinese drama that C recommended to me I’d like to check out. 

I have plans with D tomorrow to celebrate her birthday in the evening. I hope the present I ordered for her gets delivered to my work tomorrow. Since I’m gonna meet her, I might not have time to exercise tomorrow evening. So I’ll put my gym clothes into my work bag and take it to school tomorrow. I’m only teaching two classes anyway, so I have time to slip away for 20-30 minutes to exercise and then do the rest of my work at my desk. 

When I felt down last night about X, I texted K and told her about it. She told me to try and take it one day at a time. She’s right, I need to give myself time to heal. No one who’s ever had a broken heart in the history of broken hearts has ever recovered from that hot mess in record time. 

I’ll only know I can breathe easily again after I’ve come up for air and swum back to shore. 

I’ve thought of a few stages of post break-ups that I’ve summarised into the 5 D’s which I seem to have gone through so far: 

Stage 1 - Disbelief

Stage 2 - Distraction

Stage 3 - Debauchery

Stage 4 - Depression

Stage 5 - Departure

I feel certain that I’ll amend the names of some of the stages or switch the stages around at a later time. But for right now, these seem to fit my situation well, especially stage 4. 

I wonder when I’ll finally get to stage 5. 

[cherry-choke-a-cola]

Right Here in My Arms Chapter 3

You giggle when Sam pulls you out of the chapel entry way outside and kissed you.

“Mrs. Winchester,” He mumbles into your mouth.

You giggle some more at your new name.

“Mr. Y/N,” At this he pulls back from your lips and starts to laugh and you both head back to Sam’s car. When both of you are seated in the car and same has started the car and pulled out of the chapel driveway, you look at the marriage certificate and run your fingers over Sam’s signature, tracing the smooth loops of the ‘S’ and the clean stroked of the ‘W’ noticing how gorgeous his hand writing is. You then run your fingers over your signature, noticing nothing different about your first name but your last name looked a bit … off. You weren’t used to singing ‘Winchester’ as your last name but you figured as time went on, that that would change.

“So, did you wanna go get blitzed or just go and lock ourselves up in our room for a few days?’ Sam asks you, keeping his eyes on the road and his right hand in yours.

You smirk and look at him, “I think we both know what we’re going to do, Sam.”

“You want to go walk the strip and hangout with all the celebrity impersonators, too?” He asks in mock glee.

You hold back a laugh and slap him on the arm.

Sam Laughs, “Hotel it is.”

 [Back at the Bunker]

“I can’t believe you went to Vegas and got hitched, Sammy! I mean, Y/N’s a great girl but do you remember the last time you went Vegas? You got ‘Love Potion No. 9’d by a crazy lady and married her the same day! I mean, I’m pretty sure she did butt stuff to you while you were unconscious!” Dean fumes. To say that he was not happy about this ‘unholy union’ as he so crudely put it earlier in the conversation, was an understatement.

“Dean, Y/N did not slip me any type of love potion or brew. She loves me and I love her. This happened naturally. She’s not crazy like Becky was, she didn’t sell her soul and there wasn’t any demons or witches involved.” Dean scoffs.

“That you know of. There’s something off about this situation, Sammy.” Dean pushes Sam out of the way and stormed up the stairs to the bunker door, not even acknowledging you.

You jump when the bunker door slams shut. Sam walks over to you and pulls you into a hug.

“Don’t worry about Dean. He’ll get over it.”

You pull back to look at his face.

“So, you were married before?”

Sam sighs and leads you to the kitchen and heads to the fridge hand you a beer and getting one for himself.

“A few years back the was this woman, Becky, who Dean and I had help form and a couple of cases and she happened to be in Vegas the same time I was. She was really obsessed over me.” You listened with rapt interest as he told you the fiasco with this Becky person and how she had sold he soul so she could Sam to fall in love with her. When he was finished, so were your beers. After disposing of the bottles, you both went into Sam’s room and plopped down on the bed, Sam laying on his back with his arms behind his head and his eyes closed. You situated yourself so you where laying on your side facing Sam, propping your head up with your elbow.

“I can’t believe she was that determined to make you want her,” you said as you snuggled up closer to Sam.

“That is why too much fanfiction is bad for you,” He said with amusement evident in his voice.

You yawned and placed your head on his chest and fell asleep listening to Sam’s steady heartbeat.

 [2 months later]

“For the last time, Y/N, Beth is a hunter, she’s 56 years old and she has a wife! She was texting me because she needed help on case!” Sam huffed, his hair was ruffled after repeatedly running his hands through it in frustration as his tried in frustration to explain to you that he wasn’t cheating.

Your heart was pounding and you were shaking in anger. You could’ve sworn that the texts between Sam and Beth that you saw were anything but innocent, but when Sam gave you his phone to look at them for a second time, you realized that they were innocent and that Sam was telling the truth.

Sighing in resignation, you hand him back his phone.

“I mean, dammit Y/N, I married you! Not every damn woman that I happen to encounter. You’ve been acting like this for the past month and a half! First it was you glaring at any woman who looked at me, then it escalated to you getting us thrown out of five bars in one week because you kept picking fights with all the women. Oh! And let’s not forget the night that Dean had to come help me bail you out of jail because you knocked out three girls before you kicked the crap out the bouncer! Then, you started following me every time I left the bunker without you!” You looked up at Sam, shocked that he knew you were following him.

“Yeah, I know about that. You’re not as sneaky as you think. And this isn’t the only time you’ve looked through my phone or my computer. You don’t trust me and you don’t respect my personal space. I have nothing to hide from you Y/N and I have tried time and time again to prove that to you but every time, you never believe me. What do I have to do to get you to trust me?”

Sam sits down roughly on his side of the bed with his back to you and his head in his hands. You looked down at your feet and release the breath you had been holding and try to think clearly. You don’t know how to explain your behavior the past few weeks. All you know is that when a woman who wasn’t you tried to look or talk to Sam, your vision went red and all logic flew out the window, and the only thing to do that made sense was to kick said woman’s ass and whenever he started talking to a woman via text or the internet, you took your anger out on Sam. You never tried to kick his ass but you did have terrific aim and you always threw the heaviest book you could find at him. To say that something was wrong with you, couldn’t be even more true.

Sam thought at first it was because you might have been pregnant but three pregnancy tests later and that theory was debunked. Sam and Dean had stayed up countless night trying researching, trying to see if odd behavior was caused by something supernatural. When everything from demon possession to curses were ruled out, Sam started to get discouraged and thought maybe Dean was right and this whole thing was a mistake. He even thought that this was how you were when it came to relationships. Hell, you were a hell of a lot younger than Sam and prior to getting married, both of you hadn’t known each other long enough for him to know about any of your prior relationships.

When Sam stood up and grabbed his keys and phone before heading towards the door, you broke away from your thoughts.

“What are you doing?” Your voice was barely audible and you feared what he might say.

Sam’s hand paused on the door knob and he didn’t bother to look at you.

“I don’t know, Y/N. I need some space for a few days away from the bunker and I need you to give me that space by not following me. I’ll have Cas zap you into the dungeon if you do follow me.” He opened the door and walked out. You stood there in shock, trying to process what just happened. A couple of seconds later when you hear the bunker door open and slam close, you knew that Sam had done what he said and left.

Every fiber in you told you to get up and follow him to see if maybe this time you would find him in the arms of another woman even though he had requested you stay put. After much deliberation, you decided to just stay put and wait. The urge to just get up follow him writhed inside you like a snake and burned like an itch.

Grabbing Sam’s laptop off the dresser, you sit on the bed and open it, finding that he had changed his password. A couple of hours in to trying to crack his password, there was a knock at the door.

“Come in,”

Dean opens the door and finds you staring holes into Sam’s computer screen.

“Hey, uh, where’s Sam?” You don’t bother to look up.

“We had a fight a few hours ago and he said he needed space and left for a few days.” Dean laughs dryly.

“You mean he’s been gone for a few hours and you haven’t tried to secretly follow him?” At this, you look up from the screen to glare at Dean.

“Fuck you, Dean.”

“You could if you didn’t marry my brother.” Before you could throw something at him, he turned and left.

 ***

After trying a few more times to get into Sam’s laptop, the 48-hour lockdown was activated and you gave up. Looking at the and seeing that it was nearly a quarter to three in the morning you decided to go to bed.

Three days had passed since yours and Sam’s fight when he walked in the bunker still in the same clothes he with on and stubble had started to form into a beard from not shaving. He looked like hadn’t slept of showered in the time that he was gone. When he walked down the stairs to where you were sitting, you had noticed that he was carrying a thick envelope.

“Hey.” He offered as he sat down across you in the library and had started to fiddle with the envelope.

“Hey,” You reply lamely. “What’s that?” Sam sighed. Avoiding your eyes and slid the envelope to you.

“I need to talk to you. Y/N, you know I love you. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I didn’t. But …” He paused.

“But?”

He gave you a forced smile before continuing.

“But … these past few months have been ridiculous. You don’t trust me or respect me as your husband. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and …” He paused again and looke at the silver band on his lef ring finger and then looked back at the envelope. “And I’ve decided that it might be best if we both go our separate ways. I’m obviously not what you’d thought I’d be like as your husband and this is not what I want out of a marriage.”

Your vision started to go fuzzy and your heart started acing and your ears started ringing.

Sam slid the envelope towards you and took off his wedding band.

“I’m asking you for a divorce, Y/N.”

You started to stand up and then felt yourself falling to the ground before darkness and silence surrounded you.

“Y/N!”

***

Everything was dark and you couldn’t move. You could the faint voices of Sam and Dean and a couple of unfamiliar voices.

“…Seizure … brain overheated …”

“Will she … okay?”

“…into shock … coma …”

“Isn’t there … can do?”

“…So sorry …unlikely to wake up …”

“…vitals … dropping…”

“…decisions to make … keep Y/N …. life-support or … pull …plug.”

“Not much time … before … brain dead.”

“Can you … alone?”

“Of course.”

“Dean and I …. Find what did … please wake up … don’t leave … still love you.”

“Hang in … kiddo. Gonna fix … right up.”