#YOU ARE SUCH A DRAIN ON MY HAPPINESS SOMETIMES ITS UNREAL

[immortalsins]

brushed off something my dad asked about earlier (a minor event related to my interests) because he wouldn't get it and he was like ooooh i wish you'd tell me about these things i'm interested to know. ok. you never have been in the past. this is a first. 3 minutes later i decided to take him up on that offer and mention something else related to my interests (i could be going to the heavy music awards, got randomly selected to get a ticket in exchange for money to charity) and he immediately went What if its a scam. how do you know that charity is even real. alright i will never tell you anything ever again

[turnpage]

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generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[double-hoe-seven]

AFC Richmond as boyfriends

Here’s a lil headcanon collection of our favorite himbos as boyfriends.

I did it again for the staff (: AFC Richmond Staff as partners

A/N: Definitely didn’t put everyone but these were my top ones and it’s 2 AM so imma leave it here.

Sam Obisanya

The absolute sweetest man you have ever met

Such a softie, very concerned about making sure you’re happy and comfortable with whatever choices you make together.

He always picks the most random times to surprise you with things; showing up at your work randomly for lunch or with coffee/tea, random little souvenirs from his away games.

He’s always putting himself second and sometimes you have to remind him “hey, babe, you can do things for yourself, you deserve nice things too.”

Just, compliments galore with him. He’ll always find a way to compliment you on something.

The most cuddly person ever, he loves public affection (hand holding, piggy backing, hugging, kissing if it’s not raunchy, etc), he really just likes showing you off because he feels like the luckiest man in the world to have you.

He takes his time with your relationship, letting it bloom and grow at it’s own pace.

There aren’t many fights between you, hardly ever, the last “fight” you had was because you couldn’t unanimously decide which dog to rescue. The solution? You adopted both, now you share a one-eyed Jack Russell Terrier named Starro and a three legged German Shepherd puppy named Harry (Pawter. He was so proud at his pun when he showed you the then 3-month old puppy.)

Again, just the sweetest, more romantic man you’ve ever met and ever will meet.

thesexisgoodtoo. hesaverygentleandgivinglover

Isaac McAdoo

Man’s stubborn.

I mean it, he is as stubborn as a mule.

I’M DEAD SERIOUS, he once pouted for 5 days when you accidentally ate the last Rolo in the flat.

But he’s also romantic in a sort of rugged way?

He won’t go shopping with you but he knows what colors look best on you, he knows what styles look good on you, and he has your sizes and shades memorized.

Bear.

Mr. sometimes-crank-teddy-bear over here.

He’ll say he doesn’t want something but he will eat half of your food if given the chance. If you step away from your food to get a drink or something, there will be a good part mission when you get back.

Its a tradition to go on a date the morning of a game, and snuggle up with a movie after the game.

You have had more than a few drunk texts from him, all of them equally funny and full of sexual innuendos.

You don’t address his Rolo addiction. It could be something much worse anyway.

Richard Montlaur

So many visits to the goat farm he was raised on!

He really has to drag you back to London after visiting his parents because you don’t want to leave all the precious goats (and you and his parents get along famously).

You spend alternating holidays with each others families (except for Bastille day, you always spend that either together or with his family.)

There are always roses in your shared flat.

It’s a constant battle over his facial hair.

He has a grudge against the way the English make French pastries.

He has a habit of falling asleep on the couch or in uncomfortable positions and then wondering why his back or neck hurts.

Little spoon.

He’s teaching you French.

This man is a smooth operator, master at flirtation and romance. He’s good at planning romantic dates and outtings.

Dani Rojas

You 100% believe his mom when she says he was born caffeinated.

One of your first dates was a Mumford and Sons concert which was an interesting experience.

Soft boi hours with him. He’s a lil puppy dog.

Does this man ever sleep? Rarely.

He rises with the son and wants to get the day started immediately but he’s mostly letting you sleep in now.

He LOVES trying new things, exploring new places, generally having new experiences.

His absolute favorite thing to do when he’s not training is playing football (or any game, really) with the kids in your neighborhood. They all love him.

He’s a sweet boyfriend, not as sweet as Sam but he’s a close second.

You alternate who plans date night. You split the chores 50/50 but divvy it up if one of you is sick or has more work to do.

There’s so much alcohol in your flat its unreal.

You usually go to sleep before him but he has a bad habit of throwing himself into bed and partially waking you.

He makes the best breakfast most mornings.

And don’t forget the trips back home to visit his family in Guadalajara.

After a long day of training, he loves just laying down with his head on your lap while you run your fingers through his hair.

Jamie Tartt (Season 1)

FUCK NO

Jamie Tartt (Season 2)

On your first date you got drunk and bonded over shitty fathers.

Not that either of you really remembered the next day, you were both too hungover to immediately recall the night.

His love language is kind words.

At the start he needed a lot of reassuring that you did care about him for who he was, warts and all.

He’s slightly awkward when it comes to romantic gestures so most of the date planning falls on you don’t mind.

He still has some high maintenance behavior but he’s working on it and you’re proud of how far he’s come from the prick he used to be.

Your fights are usually over petty shit like where to eat for dinner or what movie to go see.

He will not hesitate to buy your feminine products for you. He knows your preferred brands and sizes and what treats you like when its that time.

He’s good at those rigged carnival games, the many little stuffed animals in your closet can attest to that.

He talks in his sleep. It’s all nonsense.

He has a soft spot for the neighbor’s cat (and cats in general).

Roy Kent

Rugged.

He’s great to snuggle up to.

The man is honest to boot. He doesn’t sugar coat anything at all.

10/10 times he will go down on you if asked. He’s a giver.

He is the heaviest sleeper in the world. You don’t know why he bothers setting alarms.

Phoebe has a room at your flat and spends so much time with you both.

Many nights have been spent reading different books on the couch together.

He has to clean the drains since 75% of it is his.

Fuck is a very versatile word in your home, used daily.

Not the most romantic man alive but he has his moments.

Date nights are usually relaxed and proper but sometimes you can make the old man have a little fun.

He growls at least a dozen times a day, it’s his main response.

Jan Maas

My beloved

My sweet, beloved Jan who can’t/won’t use a filter to save his life.

He’s blunt in everything and sometimes it makes you want to slap him.

Jan is still getting used to English ways and mannerisms.

He has good intentions but sometimes needs a little help with wording.

He likes going on Aquarium dates.

The more tired he is, the clingier he is and it’s too cute.

Once after a game he plopped onto the couch next to you and basically tried to curl up in your lap.

He can make amazing pancakes.

Thats it though.

You’ll do most of the cooking if you value living in a flat that’s not on fire.

He’s a sweetheart though.

Mostly good intentions though.

Doesn’t mind nudity and had to quickly be reined in by the team. Not at home though.

At home he can easily be found lounging in boxers and a t-shirt while he sips coffee.

He knows what he’s doing.

Tag Team: @bdffkierenwalker​

[tastyykpop]

𝑆𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑢𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

•pairings: enemy, barista and student!jaemin x student and barista!reader

♡𝑠𝑚𝑢𝑡♡

<next>

•warnings: dom!jaemin, brat!reader, brat taming, crying kink, hair pulling, choking, small praising, small size kink, degradation (slut, whore), dumbification (sexual and non sexual use) nanas kinda mean :( but gets a lil nicer :), jaemin refers to himself as nana a lot mostly when they do the dirty, bulging kink, pet names (princess, baby, baby girl, little girl, pretty girl), unprotected sex (please be safe), slight face slapping (he slaps her once), rough sex clearly, some sexual tension, I hope i got everything

You were fuming!

The boy in front of you not even batting an eyelash, just laughing at the mess dripping down your face.

You smelt like an iced americano.

People around you held their hands to their mouths in shock and others tried to hold back their laughter. Some even pointed at you or gave sympathetic looks.

It wasnt like people were surprised anymore. Jaemin always had something up his sleeve for you. But he never went as far as pouring his coffee on you.

"Aw poor baby. Do you need a napkin?" He faked sympathy with a pout and his friends began laughing. You just got up and walk by them, making sure to bump into jaemins shoulder on your way through.

It was almost everyday that Jaemin would do something so uncalled for. It was like he was made to push your buttons. Even as you're walking out of the college building, you can still hear the boy laughing at you. Or maybe it was the other students. Either way, you wanted to kill him.

As you trudged towards your car, a sense of relief washed over you. A great happiness that only comes when you finished your classes and could go home. Only this happiness stayed for a good 2 hours until you have to go to your part time job at the cafe with your favorite person of course. But its not like you can quit. You need the money so you can live and get the education you need, no matter how hard it is being with him.

It was then when you sat in your car and the squishing in the seat made your face curl into a scowl, only made you think of ways to get away with murder. It was gross really. The seats were sticky, plus your hair and clothes were sticking to you like lip gloss. A shower would be perfect right about now.

"Hi y- oh..." Your roommate, jimin, stared at your messy state. Giving you a good up and down before shrugging his shoulders, "jaemin?"

You sighed, walking over to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, "Who else? Its always him."

Jimin gave you a small smile and came closer as if ready to hug you but didn't because he didn't want to get sticky. "You know, maybe you should quit that job."

"No."

He groaned and snatched the water that you were about to sip, "Why? You'd only see jaemin in school. And you wouldnt have to stick with his bickering in work." He huffed, shaking his head, "Girls are so difficult sometimes."

You tried leaping up to grab the bottle from jimin, but all he did was hold it above his head. You stomped on his foot in return. Jimin huddled over and you snatched the bottle, smirking with victory as you put it to your lips.

"You fucking snake." Jimin hissed in pain.

A laugh fell from your lips as you walked by him, completely ignoring his words and his pain, "Im gonna take a shower."

Once you got to your room, the first thing you did was grab your work clothes, a towel, and underwear and got ready for the warm shower.

After you switched on the water and let it heat up, you stepped in and immediately felt at peace as the water cascaded over your body, cleaning off the almost dried coffee. Your hair felt lighter, like a feather and your fingers could now slip through the strands easily without an issue. The scent of your body wash overpowered the coffee smell and you felt much better. Water, soap, and coffee were beginning to fill the drain as you finished washing up. You rolled your eyes at the sight of the murky water. What a bastard.

For once you were actually happy to wear your work clothes after what had happened earlier. The clothes actually felt comfortable and jimin was becoming more and more confused as to why you were hugging yourself with a huge smile on the couch.

"No one should be that happy after a shower." He started flipping through channels on the t.v.

"Dont tell me how to feel, I dont smell like jaemins coffee anymore." You gushed overdramtically. Jimin could only role his eyes.

"Please...you act like he's a demon of some sort."

You squinted your eyes at jimin and flared your nostrils, "he is. Hes a nasty, dumb, annoying, self centered-"

"Okay okay I get it! You hate jaemin! The funny thing is you can never get his name out of your mouth." Everything stopped and your head snapped in jimins directions.

"What are you saying?" A frown found itself on your face, jimin leaned closer.

"Im saying that maybe you might like him."

You shrieked in disgust, blocking your ears with your hands. Jimin laughed at your reaction. Almost falling off the couch in the process. "Ew! Gross! Why would you even think that!"

"Like I said, you can never get his name out of your mouth. I think its pretty obvious you like him." He was still giggling at you except your face was anything but happy, more grossed out at how he thought you could like such a person

"I can't stand you. I'm leaving for work." You stood up and jimin did nothing to stop you from going. Even though you still had about 15 minutes until you normally leave. "Ill be back at 9." The door slammed behind you, leaving jimin alone with another laughing fit.

You got in the car and drove off to your work, still trying to come up with a reason as to why jimin is saying all this. Sure maybe you talk about jaemin a little lot but that doesn't mean you like him. Its very much the opposite and jimin should know that. It only frustrates you the more you think about it. Liking someone like jaemin? Please. That would be your nightmare.

As you pulled up to the cafe, there were only a few other cars parked. Few were from other workers but the majority were most like customers or people just trying to get a free parking space. Lucky for you, there were many open spaces, unlike when you come later and they're filled. Maybe leaving earlier wasnt such a bad idea. It saved you the 3 minute walk.

"Y/n! You're just on time!" One of your coworkers, irene, called out as you stepped inside the shop. "We need help back here!" You had no time to even begin to say your shift hasn't started yet when irene took you by the hand and dragged you to where the coffee was being made. "We have a bunch of online orders coming in so can you please help us with the coffee and food?" She tossed you a brown apron for you to put on and you nodded, trying to get your brain to speed up with everything in the world.

It was so quiet when you walked in that you never even realized that the back was busy. Coffee cups were filled and put into trays for orders, food was being heated or baked. It was a chaotic place right now and all you could do was help. So as fast as you could, you began with the first order on the screen. A large mocha with extra extra sugar, whipped cream, and chocolate curls. Easy enough you thought as you reached for a cup but a hand beat you to it.

Your eyes looked up at the person in front of you and just when you thought everything was going fine, it wasn't, "What are you doing here so early?" You asked bitterly.

"I always come in early. What are you doing here so early?" Jaemin asked whilst holding a death grip on the cup.

"Just felt like coming early." You muttered, watching as jaemin turned away with a scoff, quickly cutting the conversation short. "Bastard."

Jaemin was busy making what you were originally going to do, so you looked for another order to get ready. It was just two cake pops and a small strawberry banana smoothie. Something you've been craving recently from the lack of sweetness and fruit in your day to day life.

The cake pops and smoothie were quick to make and were soon sent off to the customer. You happily beamed and wished them good day once they left.

After then there was a familiar face with a friend right next to him, he was quite handsome you must say. He was indeed so handsome that he just looked unreal. "Hey jimin. Whose this?" You nodded towards the bright black haired man.

"This is taemin! He wanted some coffee so I brought him- hey stop staring at him!" Jimin snapped you out of your trance and taemin chuckled.

"Its okay shes cute." He eye smiled, showing off his perfectly white teeth. He's definitely not real.

Jimin tsk'd, "Until you get to know her."

"Yeah yeah... whatever." You smiled at him, completely oblivious to what he just said.

They both ordered and took a seat next to the window. You were still staring at taemin with your head in your hand until someone tapped your shoulder, "Who are they?" Jaemins voice rang in your ears, making you stand up straight.

"Thats my roommate, jimin, and his friend taemin." You glanced back at the boys, mainly at taemin and just stared like he was your first crush.

"Quit staring your gonna scare him away." Jaemin said earning himself a chuckle from you.

You stuck your tongue out, "He called me cute."

The boy smirked from ear to ear and leaned in close to your face, "He was lying." You grumbled and pushed him away from you, getting annoyed by his presence very quickly.

"Jaemin and y/n, get back to work we have orders to do!" Irene called out. Both of you quickly returning to your stations and getting things ready.

"Look at him. Hes basically waiting for me to come over to him." Seulgi, another person in this school you dispise, said as she looked at jaemin in the back of the room. She wasn't very quiet either considering you were only a few seats away from him. So it only meant that jaemin could hear her, but chose to ignore it. Typical boy.

"Honestly. He looks so good today too." Sana, her best friend, commented.

"Oh and did you hear what he was planning on doing today to y/n? Apparently he's gonna-"

"Class get back in your seats, we have much to discuss." The professor stood in the front of the class. Everyone shifted and moved to their appropriate places and waited for the teacher to begin. Unlike you, who was wondering what seulgi was going to say next. If its something worse than coffee being poured on your head, you may just have to bury yourself six feet under after this.

As you were taking notes something flung towards your head and hit you on the side, looking over was jaemin with a smirk was he held his fingers in a sling shot shape. A rubber band was laying on your lap. Then another one. One even hit your cheek creating a small smack sound as you winced in pain. Oh you desperately wanted to get out of this seat and punch the boy in the face.

"Excuse me sir!" You called out, raising your head. The whole class looked at you and your cheeks began to heat up. "May i go to the restroom?" The professor nodded and you headed out. Not until you stopped in your tracks from a loud smack to your butt, causing the whole class to turn around again.

Jaemin was enjoying this, the way you stared at him with wide eyes and open mouth, made him just want to do it again. He never thought this reaction from you would be so entertaining and he tried his best not show it, with only a small smirk covering his face.

You rushed out of the room, faster than ever and leaned against the nearest surface you could find. Not only were you questioning reality, but also why jaemin just did that.

"That little bitch." You said to yourself as you paced back and forth in the hallway, staring at the ground.

"Excuse me?" Jaemin voice rang in your ears as you looked up with a angry red face. Steam was even coming out of your ears and nose. "Did you just call nana a bitch?" He put his hands to his chest and pouted, "Little girl you need to learn some manners." Jaemin tilted his head to the side and began walking forward.

"Shut up." You had nothing else to say as you grit your teeth, looking at the ground.

Jaemin didnt like that and grabbed the back of your neck to make you look at him, "What? Did your stupid head stop thinking? Your normally so chatty for nana what happened?"

"Jaemin i-" you cut yourself off as you felt jaemin grip the back of your neck tighter causing you to moan in pain.

"Stupid girl." Jaemin whispered, forcefully pushing you away. It was not strong enough to make you fall but at least stumble.

You glowered, earning yourself a chuckle from him. "What will it take for you to leave me alone!?"

"Bring this to table 15 please! Thanks!" Irene smiled as she handed you a small cup of iced coffee and you took it, taking it to its designated place. What you didn't except was to see taemin again, gleaming up at you.

"Hi y/n." He smiled and you tried to remain calm.

God how is someone so beautiful?

"Hey, I didnt except you to come back." You returned the warm smile and started to play with the apron around your waist.

Taemin giggled, "I actually quite like this place, its cozy." He began to take a sip from the straw, eyes still trained on you. If only you weren't so awkward with him, you wouldve found something to say other than staring at him and indulging in the beauty before you. But lucky for you someone behind the counter called for you, quickly averting your attention back to work.

The next order was a shake, so you grabbed the correct ingredients and began using the blendor, when someone came next to you, doing the same thing "You seem like your having fun flirting around." The unwanted conversation with jaemin began, "makes nana kind of jealous."

"Hm funny." You ignored him and continued blending the ice cream.

Jaemin casually rolled his eyes and glanced down at your nonchalant face before returning back to the blender, "you know you really do piss me off."

You sneered and snickered to yourself, "what are you gonna do about it?"

"I was thinking of fucking you dumb or until you know your place but maybe thats a bit too rewarding."

The cup was removed and set aside from the blender with your hands placed on your hips, "Im sorry what?"

"Did I stutter?" Jaemin raised an eyebrow and also put the cup down. You went silent, not knowing whether or not to just laugh it off or quickly run away. "And I'm still waiting on my apology."

"One, I am not going to apologize to your bitchy ass. Two, even if I did let you, you could never 'fuck me dumb', it just wouldn't happen. Now stop trying to get in my pants."

Jaemin opened then closed his mouth about to say something, but didn't and just put on a sweet smile, "Go take these to table 7 for nana." He said like he was testing yoj.

"Why? You made them."

"Nana told you to do something little girl, now do it." Jaemins sweet smile was still plastered on his face yet it intimidated you enough to do as he said.

Taemin was long gone when you walked out and you were kind of sad as you weren't able to say goodbye before he left. You placed the shake down on the table and was ready to walk away when you heard your name being called.

"Y/n? You work here?" Seulgis voice spoke as you turned around. Both her and sana were looking at you with shit eating grins.

"Doesn't jaemin also work here seulgi?" Sana asked the girl in front of her and seulgi looked as if she got the brightest idea.

"Oh yeah! Y/n can you get jaemin over here? Pretty please?" She asked sweetly yet with a hint of sourness and you listened, not feeling like ignoring her at the moment.

You told jaemin that seulgi and sana were out front looking for him and he nonchalantly went out without question. Leaving you to do some of the work alone, which you didn't mind considering its jaemin, the annoying bastard who won't leave you alone, but he does help you whenever you need it. And right now, it was a bit busy, and you needed it.

After doing 4 more online orders and sending them off through the driveway, jaemin finally came back with a scowl on his face looking ready to beat someone up. "What the hell is wrong with you!?" He raised his voice only loud enough for you to hear. But you were quite confused on what was happening.

"What are you talking about?" You asked, tilting your head to the side like a puppy.

Jaemin groaned, "I knew you were fucking dumb but come on y/n! Why is seulgi covered in the shake i gave you?"

You paused for a moment, unable to answer that. Is he assuming you spilt her shake on her? Why would you even do that in the first place. Yeah you don't like her, but you're not going to stoop to her or his level. "I dont know."

He slammed his hand on the wall near your head, startling you a bit, "You dont know huh?" You shook your head slowly. "Seulgi and sana both said you purposefully spilt the shake on seulgi. Now answer me honestly. Is that true?" You shook your head again, feeling really small and helpless under his strong gaze.

"I-i didnt spill t-the skake." You muttered quietly.

He inhaled sharply, "Then who did huh? Or maybe you don't know because you're so dumb."

"S-stop..." you frowned, looking down at floor, but jaemin had other plans and made you look up at him. A single tear slide down your cheek and you swear you saw a small grin appear on his face.

"Tell nana what happened." His voice became softer as he swiped away the stray tear on your face.

You huffed, still afraid that he'd do something to you although you knew he wouldnt purposely cause you pain. "W-well she asked me to go get you, which I did, a-and her shake was perfectly fine when I left."

"Are you saying she purposely spilt the shake on herself to make me angry at you?"

"Y-yes."

"Ill believe my little girl for now, but if I find out you are lying, you will be in big trouble got that?" Jaemin lifted his hand off the wall and proceeded to walk back out of the room. Leaving you shocked at his words and still frightened by an angry jaemin.

You went to the cash register once jaemin left to get ready to count the bills until you heard jaemin and seulgi arguing. Lucky for them, no one but you and him were working right now. Irene went home earlier and the normal crew always leave around 6:30, leaving just you and jaemin.

"It was only a prank nana. No need to get so worked up. And besides you didn't even prank her today, be glad I did for you." Seulgi said smiling at the boy in front of her.

Jaemin physically cringed when he heard his nickname roll off her tongue, "you didn't have to do that."

You stood there watching, astonished how jaemin was standing up for you. Hes supposed to hate you. Jaemin didn't even bother going with the girls when they offered him a ride, instead he stayed with you and even helped close. Something he normally doesn't do because he leaves before you and gives you all the hard things to do.

"Hurry up and finish." Jaemin spoke. A little bit of anger still laced in his voice.

"Whats your rush?"

He sighed, "I wanna go home. Plus I can't stand this place right now. I'm pissed."

You finished wiping down that last table and walked over to him, "Just go home then."

"Not without you."

You gave him a dirty look, "im not going home with you."

Jaemin leaned down, his face only inches from yours and whispered, "Remember what I said earlier hm? I wanna fuck you dumb." He then grabbed your waist bringing you closer to him, if that was possible, "Can I do that pretty girl? Can nana fuck you so hard you won't even remember anything but my cock?" You were so lost in your mind that everything became a blur. Jaemins words sounded so sweet but were so lewd. And you were so close to kissing him until he put his finger on your lips, "But you have to wait." You frowned and were only getting more angry by the second. You went from not wanting anything to do with jaemin to just about ready to beg him to kiss you. Was it that easy for him to get in your head? Or were you so sex deprived that now jaemin seemed somewhat interesting?

You laid on jaemins bed getting bored with the constant teasing. He never did anything but that. Jaemin would get close to your lips and back away as you chased him. Hed chuckle and coo at you for being so desperate. But that wasn't the point of all the teasing. He really just wanted you to beg him to kiss you. No words will come out of his mouth telling you to beg, he just excepted it to happen sooner or later. But youre too stubborn to do so, so you grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down to kiss him, catching him by surprise.

Jaemins hands gripped your wrists and pulled them off his face, pinning them to the bed, "You didnt even ask to kiss me." Jaemin pulled away, raising his eyebrow high, "Dont you think thats a bit mean."

"So was teasing me, but I let you continue." You huffed, trying to free your wrists from his death grip but it was no use.

"You dont have a say on whether i continue or not. I'm in charge here and you take what I give you, understand?" You rolled your eyes. It was your intention to make jaemin angry. You wanted to push his buttons.

What you didnt know was that not answering jaemin correctly would earn you a slap to the face. And jaemin was not even fazed by it.

"Dont roll your eyes and answer nana." Jaemin smiled. "Can you say 'yes nana'?"

"Y-yes nana."

"Good girl." Jaemin muttered and began slowly kissing your jawline down to your neck, sucking here and there creating shades of purple and red marks. Oh how he loved the marks he was leaving.

You so desperately wanted to grip onto jaemins hair and pull it but he never budged his hands, only tightening his grasps. As he continued attacking your neck, you began to lift your hips up to get some sort friction. Jaemin noticed and shifted so that his thigh was in between your legs and rubbing against your clothed core. A spew of quiet moans left your lips but you wanted more. Jaemin was going to soft and slow for your liking.

"I thought you were going to fuck me dumb?" You said and jaemin lifted his head to give you a quick kiss on the lips.

"Patience baby. You aren't ready yet." He let go of your wrists and took your shirt off. The cold air made you shiver and jaemin chuckled. "I wanna make you cum at least 2 times before I fuck you."

"Then stop talking and do it." You replied, pushing your hips up to rub against his thigh, but they were pushed back down on the bed.

"Didnt I say to take what I give you?" Your head slowly moved up and down and jaemin smiled, "so why arent you happy with what nana gives you?"

"I want more..." you sighed as he started to slide your pants and panties off, discarding them somewhere in the room. His mouth slowly started kissing your inner thighs and you could feel your heat dripping with anticipation. You whined for more but only got a slap to the thigh telling you to be quiet. Needless to say you didn't listen and continued to try to get him closer to where you needed him most but pulling his hair.

Jaemin groaned grabbing your wrist again and pushed it away roughly. His patience was wearing out. You were more stubborn than he thought, but that doesn't mean he can't still break you. "Next time you do that, I'll flip you over and beat your ass till its purple." Your breath hitched and as much as you were tempted, you wanted to be able to sit for a few days so you stayed put and kept your hands to yourself.

But the desperation was getting to you and you wanted relief which jaemin wasnt giving you until you felt his two fingers circling around your clit. "P-please jaemin." You moaned as he flicked your clit with his middle finger. Then soon enough he stuck two fingers inside you. Your pussy automatically clenching around his digits as he moved at a steady in and out pace.

It felt so good. His fingers felt so good. They made your body twist in pleasure as more moans left your mouth. Jaemin was watching your face closely as it contorted with pleasure. He loved seeing your eyebrows bunched together, so focused on the way his fingers worked inside you.

"My pretty slut. Taking nanas fingers so well." He gushed, still watching your face. Jaemin could feel himself get even more painfully hard but he didn't want to fuck you just yet. He meant it when he said he wanted you to cum 2 times. So he picked up the speed with his fingers, your hands landing on his forearm that was resting on near your hip. "Are you gonna cum for nana princess?"

You frantically nodded your head as a wave of pleasure washed over you. You could feel your cum leak out of you as jaemin leaned down and began eating away at your cunt.

"J-jaemin! So...go-good!" Your head flew back as his tongue sucked on your clit and a loud moan filled the room.

Jaemin smirked against your heat, "I haven't even fucked you yet and your already sounding like a dumb whore. Its so easy to break you princess."

"N-no its j-ju-...." you whimpered as your brain wasnt even trying to help you function right. His tongue was extraordinary. "Mmmm."

"Aw my dumb little princess is so cute." He muttered diving back into lapping at your soaked cunt. It was almost as if on cue and without warning, you were cumming again. Jaemins hasty tongue took it all. Groaning at the taste of you in his mouth.

He sat up over you, grabbing your neck, pulling you into a deep kiss. You tasted yourself on his tongue. Deepening the kiss by grabbing the back of his hair, jaemin couldnt help but moan a bit as his cock brushed against your thigh. He felt big. Bigger than the few guys you've been with and you were ecstatic.

You tugged on jaemins pants and shirt as a way to tell him to take them off and he did after getting off of you and sitting on the edge of the bed. His abs were more defined than you thought and when his cock sprung free, your mouth started watering. Jaemins smirk only grew watching you stare. He was starting to get cocky

"What? You wanna suck my cock?" Jaemin asked sweetly.

"Yes please." You reached over to try and touch him but he didn't allow you. And smacked your hand away. It was a way for him to tease you and you hated it.

"So kind for nana now. Ealier you were so cock hungry that you decided to be a brat. Did nana finally break you?" Jaemin whispered as he moved a piece of hair out of your face, looking at you with fill admiration.

"No you didn't break me. But I wanna suck you off." You whined as jaemin picked you up and sat you just above his cock, the tip teasing at your entrance.

"Too bad. Now I want you to sit." Jaemin said looking into your eyes. You obeyed with a little hesitation. His cock was surely going to hurt you so you took it slowly and started lowering your hips. "Fuck...thats a good girl." Jaemin praised, watching his cock dissappear between your legs and your tummy get full with his cock. "My baby's so tiny you can see my cock in your belly." He said, pushing down on the area where he was imprinted in you.

Slowly you started moving, lifting your hips up and down. You were wet enough that he could easily slide in and out with no problem.

Jaemins head fell back as he sighed with relief, grunting as you picked up the pace, "So tight for nana." He whispered and you moaned back loudly. His cock stretched every inch of you to the point where it felt like you'd split.

"More more more." You whined against jaemins neck, gripping his shoulders tightly. Carefully jaemin flipped you both over so he was on top and continued pounding into your destroyed cunt. He kept a hand around your neck squeezing it every so often as a choked out moan left your throat.

His cock was so deep and fast that you couldn't think straight. You kept blabbering about his cock. Only thing on your mind was how nice he felt inside you. Jaemin bit his lip as he smirked at you, grabbing your hair and bringing your face close to his, "Now will you admit that I fucked you dumb and say your nanas dumb slut?"

"Y-yes, I'm na-nanas dumb sl-slut." You cried, tears falling down your face from how good he felt inside and if you thought jaemin couldn't go any faster, he did. His thrusts were hard and rough, sure enough to hurt your thighs tomorrow as he pounded relentlessly. "So close." Your voice came out choked as your eyes rolled to the back of your head. You held on to jaemins hand that was on your neck as he helped you with your orgasm.

Jaemin wasnt far behind you with his and groaned loudly, "fuck, where do you want it princess?"

"I-inside." You moaned as the feeling of hot cum was shot inside you. Jaemins hips kept moving him through his orgasm until he slowly came to a stop. Both of you panted loudly, there were even a few tears falling down your cheek here and there.

Jaemin slowly pulled out, making sure not to hurt you, and he laid beside you. "You did so well." He kissed your forehead. "Cmon ill carry you to bathroom so we can take a bath." He said picking up your worn out naked figure with so much care. Making you forget he was your enemy.

[spenciegoob]

Songs In The Moonlight (Blurb)

A/N: hi! I love the moon, I talk to the moon... I LOVE THE MOON

Summary: She didn’t realize how all she had to do was wish upon a “star,” and all her dreams would come true.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff

Content Warnings: none! (it does mention reader has blue eyes but only for a moment)

Masterlist

Word Count: 630

___

She waits up for him at night, or at least attempts to. The demonic thoughts that snarl at her from the corner of their bedroom, barring their teeth at the first sign of drowsiness threaten her dreamful state. So she sits awake, staring out the window from the corner of their bed hoping to see his tall figure rush through the streets in search of her.

Sometimes, she would get tired of looking down at the sidewalk, the hope slowly draining from her heart as happy people stroll down the path her lover should be taking. They’re in his way, she would think, before ultimately cursing herself for thinking such negative thoughts about strangers.

The more she waited, the more he felt like a stranger.

But then she would look up at the moon, alive and ebullient. She couldn’t remember which movie it was that they watched together, but a wise woman once said that “if you look up at the moon, we’ll be staring at the same thing no matter where we are in the world.”

She would like to believe he was staring at the same moon.

Lost in it’s everlasting femininity and grace, she missed the way he practically bounced across the DC street one night, methodically brushing past stranglers in the dark and avoiding cars parked while their owners slept. It was the first night she asked the moon to bring home her lover, and in an uncharacteristic display of favoritism, the moon granted her that wish.

She forgot to thank the moon when she heard their front door open.

His curly hair bounced as he rushed over to her positively buzzing from excitement in the doorway of their bedroom. A hand gripped her waist, and she reveled in the way her lover sent her spinning in a vortex when he pulled her tightly against his chest. Archaic songs hummed gently against her in the form of mumbled ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I missed you’s.’

The need to stare into his eyes was stronger than the need to keep her head pressed against his chest, breathing in sync to the beating of his heart, so she pulled away only an inch or two to gaze up at him. His face practically glowed in the moonlight, an ethereal and unreal being standing in front of her and introducing hazel to blue. The moon presented her gift to her with a spotlight only he was worthy of.

“I talked to the moon tonight,” she whispered, grabbing a hold on his cheeks to draw their foreheads closer together.

“And what did you say?” He whispered back, matching her gentleness in tone, even if the way he was squeezing her body like he was afraid she would fly away was anything but gentle.

“I asked for you to come home.”

“I’m home, my love. I’m home.” The two walked to bed together, not bothering to close the curtain of their bedroom window as the moon deserved to know its generosity was not in vain.

She may have forgotten to thank the moon, but he made sure to plenty of times.

And when the night drew to a close, the sunlight replacing the soft blue hue that casted down on the lovers some hours before, she awoke from her slumber to find someone missing alongside the moon. The sun was not an enemy, but she did not appreciate how little she could dream that once again may her lover come home so they could both revel in the way it felt to be loved.

In replacement of his head on the pillow that smelt of sandalwood and lilac was a note. It read:

Whenever you feel so lonely, ask for me to the moon. I will always come back, my love.

-Spencer

___

Taglist: @the-girl-who-writes-fanfiction​ @haylaansmi​ @masumiyetimziyanoldu​ @cielo1984​ @rexorangecouny​ @username2002​ @calm-and-doctor​ @pieceofried​ @mermaidshmari​ @missyoumaybank​ @everythingbutnormal​ @seasonfivereid​ @no-honey-no​ @muffin-cup​

[serenityseventeen]

♪ The Last Day of Summer With You

Dino/Lee Chan : Firefly Meadow

Chan groaned in exhaustion as he continued walking down the dirt road with you on his back.

On the way up the hill, you had tripped over a thick tree branch and sprained your ankle, which was to you, a complete disappointment. You had waited until the last day of summer to take him to a forest meadow to see fireflies only for an unplanned disaster to occur.

“Just a bit more,” You said quietly, after hearing Chan's exhausted breaths. Even though you got hurt and felt bad for having Chan carry you, you wanted to desperately see the lightning bugs. You rested your head on his shoulder and said, “I told you that you don't have to carry me all the way over here, I could walk.”

Chan, despite being quite obvious about the fact that his energy was getting drained, smiled and chuckled. “It's okay. If that sprain was not enough for you to go back, I'm just going to trust you that there's something beautiful up here,” Chan replied, looking ahead. He could see the dirt path slowly fade to just green grass.

It was getting dark and if you had to estimate, you would guess that it was probably around 9 pm. The way up wasn't easy but now that you two have reached a certain point, it was quite easy to tell that the floor was evening out. Trees were surrounding the path and Chan felt a bit skeptical about the place as he looked around.

He didn't know about the fireflies yet.

As you two traveled further away from your car that was parked at the street nearby, deeper into the forest, you could see hints of the destination approaching. You found this place when you were following a rabbit while you were young, and though you've always somewhat hated the look of bugs, whenever you saw fireflies, you'd get reminded that everything ugly in life still had beauty in it.

You wanted to share this special place, that you were sure no one knew of, with the most special person in the world. You wanted to thank Chan for being the kindest, most loving, caring, and helpful boyfriend. Through thick and thin, snowy storms and sunny weather, Chan was always there by your side. Now that another summer with him was about to pass by, you wanted to tell him how special he was.

While he continued to walk, you took out your phone and turned on the flashlight, making sure that it was bright enough to light up the night. Then, in a reassuring voice, you told him, “I have a small surprise for you, do you mind if I cover your eyes?”

“Cover my eyes??” Chan was taken aback by the question but he knew that if he wanted a good surprise, he had to at least follow your conditions but even so, Chan tilted his head doubtingly. “How long will you cover them for?”

You estimated how long it would take for Chan to walk to the firefly heaven, and concluded, “Around 30 seconds? Just keep walking forward, the path onward is flat but the grass is tall.”

As your hands went on to cover Chan's eyes, he adjusted his grip and your position on his back with a little jump and continued.

Of course, Chan was terrified. As if walking in a forest during the late evening wasn't scary enough, he had to walk with his eyes covered. Sometimes, he would even become paranoid, thinking that he'd be carrying a ghost or something, so he'd always ask you something and hear your warm responses to chase away the fear.

The meadow was like a clearing in the forest. The grass gradually grew taller and there weren't many trees anymore, only one or two in the middle of the field.

At first, you were afraid that the glowing bugs wouldn't be there, or if there were, there wouldn't be many, since fireflies were primarily present during late spring to early summer. You did know, however, that sometimes fireflies could live on or have twinkling bottoms a bit later in the humid weather. You just had to hope that there were some.

With a soft sigh, you looked down at the meadow.

More disappointment. You should have checked for fireflies the day prior. You felt stupid for not doing so.

There was nothing.

No twinkling bugs, no fairyland.

With a sigh, your hands slipped off of Chan's eyes.

“We're too late. The fireflies are gone.”

“Fireflies? What fireflies?” Chan asked. You let yourself down and while hopping on one leg, you took a hold of the tree behind you. The bark was rather smooth rather than rough.

“In the summer, there are fireflies here. I should have taken you here earlier, at the beginning of summer, not at the end...” You looked down, plucking a piece of long grass and fidgeting with it, feeling that everything had been ruined. You continued to mutter, “I wanted to make it special so that you could know that you're special to me.”

Chan felt his heart smile. “Well, it's okay, we don't need to see fireflies... I don't like bugs anyway.”

He had a joking tone, meant for you to laugh, and he didn't fail at that. You just found yourself chortling at what he said because you knew it was somewhat sincere.

“The fireflies are really beautiful,” You commented, looking ahead at the darkness of the forest. “I will make sure to take you here again to see them.”

“I'll wait for that then, but you don't need to wait to tell me that you adore me,” Chan replied, putting his arm around your shoulders to help you stabilize and comfort you. “I mean, you already make me feel special everyday. Who needs lightning bugs? You're already the sun of my world, I don't need anything else.”

You chuckled softly and confessed, “I thought you were gonna say that I was already like a lightning bug, but fortunately, you called me the sun instead.”

Chan chuckled and looked forward, where in the distance, he saw the faint blink of a neon yellowish light with a tint of green.

You dropped your head, and commented quietly, “Still, I think we wasted our time coming up here.”

There was a silence of words as Chan stared at the firefly, subconsciously reaching his hand out toward it. It flew rhythmically, from left to right, high to low, eventually landing on Chan's hand. You were staring at the ground, still bummed, when you felt a slight tap on your shoulder.

You looked up and were met with a cute little beetle. The bottom of the beetle was glowing and its little light was somehow enough. You and Chan looked at each other, amazed at the little beauty. You both smiled, your eyes reflecting the bug's neon glow, your eyes following it as it flew off into the distance.

“I think the climb was worth it,” Chan said, turning to you. He took your hand and gave it a soft kiss. “We got to see a firefly like what you wanted.”

“That's not what I wanted, I wanted a whole pack of them. It would have made this meadow light up like a magical land!” You smiled as you complained, knowing that you felt satisfied.

Chan clapped his hands together. “I've never seen a firefly up close but it looked and made this land so magical, it almost felt unreal. Anyway, I'm happy to have come here with you. It felt special.”

You smiled, chuckling at your boyfriend's simple but sincere words. You could tell that not one of his words was an exaggeration even if it did seem like it since the sentences were so brazen.

“Thank you,” Chan said, brushing his thumb across your hand softly.

You didn't know how to respond. You just felt euphoric at the beautiful moment, making it seem like a hundred fireflies were lighting up the place brilliantly when there was only darkness and the flashlight from your phone as a light source.

You felt thankful to that one lightning bug that was like a blessing.

Noticing the shifting weather, Chan slipped his hand away from your shoulder, walked in front of you, and crouched down. You couldn't see his face but you were sure that he was smiling as he said the next sentence in a gentle voice.

“Climb on, honey, let's head back.”

---------------

© serenityseventeen

a/n: Today's IN THE SOOP ep made me cry- I cried when Seungkwan and Chan had their talk at the Tarp Zone because that was so wholesome and just so- beautiful to see them care for each other... But then I must've looked crazy because after that, I began laughing when they began reminiscing their past lol (and why are they so effortlessly funny lol) + I need to get that Dino fic done... I don't want to work on many things simultaneously, I can see the end!! + And guys- what if- what if i become a dinonara!?!? considering switching my bias to dino, sorry wonu... but I might not change??

[dapandapod]

Longing for you

Written for the Witcher Bog Fluff Battle!  The prompt was:   Dancing!  It’s 1821 words, and I gave myself feelings. Here on Ao3, enjoy <3

The ballroom is sparkling in all its glory.

The chandeliers are newly polished and gleaming in the candlelight, the dance floor big and filled with couples of all shapes and sizes.

Jaskier lives for this.

Lives for watching the happiness on their faces, the subtle seduction of a wanted partner, the romancing of a loved one. The small touches, the twirls, the dramatic lifts and dips. He always get a front row view, best place in the house; on the stage.

With him on the podium is a small ensemble of other bards, playing various instruments and harmonizing with his words every now and then.

It is a lovely night. The only thing that is missing is a partner of his own.

Oh how he longs to dance, to be out on the floor. To have a hand in his, to lead or to be led through the intricate moves, someone's heartbeat close to his. He is aching with it, honestly, and the good thing with that is that it adds an extra flair to his music.

Or so he’s been told. Repeatedly.

So he holds on to that ache and longing, pouring it out for the ballroom to enjoy. This is a very well paying gig after all, and they certainly can use the money.

They, as in him and Geralt. They picked up the pieces after the mountain. Used words, talked about it, and things are as they were before.

Alright, no. It’s better, more like an actual friendship.

The barbs don’t sting anymore, and there are smiles now. Finding Ciri probably helped. She is with Yennefer right now, learning how to handle her magic.

So Geralt and Jaskier set out on the road again. And if Jaskier wasn’t so hopelessly in love with his witcher, everything would have been perfect.

Jaskiers eyes search for Geralt in the crowd, knowing him preferring to be a wallflower on these kinds of nights.

This song has no words, lucky for him, because when he spots that white mop of hair, Geralt is already watching him.

His chest flutters, flips, tingles, and he can’t help the small smile on his lips.

Geralt is standing closer than he expected, and Jaskier can see him break into a soft smile too.

Fuck, he is a goner.

His cheeks burn, so he breaks the stare, takes a breath, and looks back out on the crowd. Fuck he wants to be there. He wants to dance with Geralt, knowing full well it will never happen.

Not only because he is always the entertainment and rarely gets the opportunity, but because Geralt would never. Especially not with him.

Another bard comes to take Jaskiers place and hour or so later. It is going to be a long night, so they are taking turns. That’s what it is when royalty marries.

The second Jaskier leaves the podium he goes to find Geralt. How can he not? His throat is parched, so he should probably find himself something to drink too.

Geralt is where Jaskier saw him last, leaning against the wall. Only, there is a lady there now. A small, petite lady with big eyes, with a hand on Geralt's arm. And he is letting her.

Jaskier frowns.

And when Geralt smiles down at her, Jaskier knows he can’t go there.

So he turns, and finds himself a drink.

Too weak for his state of mind, but a blessing for his throat. He can’t look back. Won’t.

He feels raw, having poured out his longing in his music again. It’s not as obvious as it could be, this time, but he still feels exposed.

Suddenly he feels so alone.

In a sea of strangers, he finds himself standing on the edge of it all. Watching the couples twirl, and a pang of longing punches him in the gut.

This will not do.

Jaskier drains his drink and gives it to a bypassing servant and sets his aim for the gardens.

The garden is equally magical. Small lanterns are hung everywhere, some with colored glass, lighting the pathways and hedges.

Out here it’s calmer.

Some people are strolling arm in arm, some sit and whisper on benches. Jaskier takes aim towards the gazebo, where a single bard with a violin plays for the dancers there. He leans against a pillar, arms crossed and head leaning against the cold stone, and pretends. Pretends that he could be among them.

He is so lost in this fantasy that he doesn’t notice someone approaching. He startles when Geralt's arm touches his, and looks up to see Geralt standing right next to him.

“You disappeared.” Geralt says, nudging him again. That is a thing they do now, touching.

“Yes. You seemed busy, and I decided I needed some air.” Jaskier says, half truths and almosts on his tongue.

He looks away, studying the man playing violin rather than the dancers.

“You sang really well today.” Geralt says, and that’s new. Jaskier looks back at him with big eyes and mouth half agape.

“I- uh… Thanks.” Jaskier unfolds his arms and stands up straight. “You look nice tonight.”

And yes, he really does. Once again, Jaskier managed to squeeze Geralt into some finery, the doublet has golden details that brings out his eyes. Jaskeir especially likes it because of the barely there floral pattern, hidden around the waist. And Geralt, for once, didn’t protest when Jaskier presented it. Just draggin a finger over the fabric and put it on without complaint.

It felt oddly intimate, and Jaskier feels like he in some secret way marked him as his. His witcher, even though he knows full well he is not. Geralt is his own, and never someone else's. Not even Yennefers.

And now those golden details does its job, the small lanterns and the golden threads makes Geralt look otherworldly. Jaskier swallows thickly, ignoring the pitter patter of his heart. Why does he keep doing this to himself?

Geralt tilts his head questioningly.

“What’s wrong? Are you sad?” Geralt asks.

Ah. So something is showing on his face after all. Geralt has gotten better at picking up those things from Jaskier, for good and for bad.

“It’s nothing.” Jaskier says, smiling despite himself. “I just never get to dance, is all. Is what it is to be a bard sometimes.”

They stand in silence for a few beats. Jaskier watches the dance, slow and gentle and intimate, the violin achingly sweet.

“Do you want to dance?” Geralt asks. Jaskier looks back at him quizzically.

“Yes?”

Only when Geralt takes his hand in his does the coin drop.

“Oh you meant with- oh.” Jaskier mumbles when Geralt leads him out on the floor and then stands to face him. “Do you know how to…?”

Geralt smirks, and it punches the air out of Jaskiers lungs. It doesn’t feel real, and then Geralt's hands snake around his waist.

“I have been alive for a very long time, Jaskier.” he says, and leads them through the steps. Jaskier lets his own arms rest over Geralts, so close to his shoulders. It feels too much almost, but it’s tempting.

Together they dance across the floor, so much smoother than jaskier had anticipated. Their eyes never stray from each other, and Jaskier can feel himself smiling. Again it strikes him, how unreal it feels. Almost enough to make him want to pinch himself.

“Having fun?” Geralt asks, and the gentle smile is painful, so painful. Jaskiers fingers curl in the fabric of Geralt's doublet.

“Yes. Thank you, Geralt, for doing this for me.” He says.

“My pleasure.” Geralt says back, pulling him just a little closer, and oh. Jaskier draws in a shuddering breath.

“Geralt?”

“Jaskier?” The way his name falls off Geralt's tongue. It’s intoxicating.

“Why are you dancing with me?” Jaskier asks, despite his fears, despite the terror of being left again.

“You wanted to dance?” Geralt says simply, tilting his head in question again.

“Yes, but you don’t? You never do? And you could have danced with the lady inside?” And Jaskier has to look away now, finally. He can’t look at Geralt when he asks, he can only be so brave.

Geralt doesn’t reply at first. They dance, fluent and flawless, turning among the other couples.

“You don’t know?” Geralt asks, so quietly Jaskier isn’t sure he was meant to hear.

“Don’t know what?” Jaskier dares a look, and Geralt's eyes are fixed on him, his arms tightening and pulling him just a little closer.

They are almost touching now, only inches separating them. He steers them to a corner of the gazebo, out of the way of the other dancers, and stops.

Geralt draws in a breath, as if preparing to say something hard, still holding Jaskeir close. Jaskier can’t breathe, his eyes unwillingly dropping to those parted lips so close to his, and then back up to those amber eyes.

“I care for you, Jaskier. I care about your happiness, about your smiles, everything that makes up you.”

“Geralt.” Jaskier breathes, burning, shattering, breaking and healing all at the same time.

“I love you.” Geralt says and Jaskier feels his eyes sting, his chin wrinkle. Fuck.

“I wanted you to know, because… I’m not the best at words, but I don’t want to lose you again.”

Brave, brave witcher. He looks terrified, with every word he looks terrified but determined, and Jaskier can’t help himself.

Finally he lets his hands slide up over those shoulders, wrapping around them, and then he leans in.

Geralt meets him in the kiss, pulling him flush to his body. It’s hard to breathe, all the feelings contained in his chest fighting to break loose.

The kiss is short, just like Jaskiers breath, and instead he presses his forehead to Geralts, just to be close.

“Fuck.” Jaskier whispers, trying to piece himself back together. “Fuck.”

Geralt smiles and nudges his nose against his. One of his hands to cup Jaskiers cheek.

“Ever the poet.” He teases, kissing the corner of his mouth.

“Fuck off.”

“Alright.” Geralt says, and makes to pull away, but Jaskier grips him tightly.

“No.” He whines. “No, stay.”

“As long as you’ll have me.” Geralt says, and leans his cheek against Jaskier.

“Say it again.” Jaskier begs.

“I love you,”

“I love you too. Have loved you for years."

They stand there for what seems like ages, closely together. Eventually they have to part, Jaskier has to get up on the podium again. But this time, when he sings, the aching is another. He can’t help but to watch Geralt, where he waits by the wall, watching him.

And when the night ends, the sun rising above them, Geralt and Jaskier retreats, ignoring Jaskiers room in favour of Geralts. They hold each other close in sleep, sweaty and warm, but not letting go.

Waking up makes Jaskiers chest ache for an entirely different reason.

Love.

[allshewants]

Loving you

This scenario was inspired on Jackson Wang’s song and MV, LMLY.

Word counting: 2.5k 

For more checkout: allshewant’s masterlist

Today was no easy. It wasn’t because of the work or because your family or even because your lack in have a social life. It was because of his face. His face when he saw her with someone else. The face that the guy you liked did when he saw the girl he likes with someone. It was a mixture of sadness and disappointment and you couldn’t tell how much seeing that made you suffer.  

You and Jackson have been working together for months now. You two were waiters at a Chinese restaurant downtown. You had a good relationship as coworkers, you had your own inside jokers and the way you two worked so well together always got attention of the costumers and the bosses. But despite it you never saw each other for non-job reasons. You didn't know why you and Jackson were like that, at first it didn't bother you, but after some time it started got you a little angry and you had no idea why. Until some days later when you saw the way he looked to a new costumer that entered the restaurant. Her hair was on point, her smile was bright and her clothes seemed fancy, actually all about her seemed to be fancy.

When you saw his eyes on her and the expression that lighted up his face was like someone had hit your heart painfully. You didn't know why you just couldn't stop that feeling every time she arrived and he ran to get her orders full of chatting and smiles. 

After some time you realize what was going on: you liked him and you were jealous of that woman. You didn't know when you started to feel that way for him, you just knew that you counted the hours to go to work and saved a lot of funny posts to send to him and every time you got a new joke you kept it until you could meet him again, so you could tell him and make him laugh that funny laugh he had and that always made you laugh even more.

But then you suspected that he had a crush on that costumer that oddly started to go to the restaurant very often. You didn't know at what point their relationship were, but everyday you watched him running to her table and always paying attention in what she was doing. Sometimes you even got him daydreaming looking to the table she always took when she is there, when it happened you always tried to say something funny to him, so you could have his attention and smile all for you.

So yesterday started normal as always for you. Everything were alright at the restaurant and you and Jackson were chatting a lot, making jokes and laughing of each other. Until that woman entered the restaurant with someone. No, not just someone, she was with another woman even more fancy then her, as if it was possible. The two took their table and as always Jackson went right away to take their orders. Since that at that time isn’t a lot to do at the restaurant you just observed them. 

They were talking and the woman Jackson liked seemed to be introducing the other one to Jackson, she smiled at her and took her hand. You couldn’t see Jackson’s face from that angle but you saw his shoulders suddenly went down. And when he turned to go to the kitchen you saw the disappointment, the frustration and the sadness in his face. Now you knew his feelings for her were unilateral, she didn’t know he liked her. 

After that was like all the happiness and animation that Jackson always had was drained from him. He didn’t even went to their table anymore you had to do that. You tried to cheer him up with some jokes that you knew he always laughed but it wasn’t working. At the end of the day you spend the rest of your shift cleaning everything in silence and it was so awkward for you, you two never were like that, even in your first day working together you were all chatting.  

When you looked at his face the frustration and sadness were still there, but now he seemed to be angry too. You wish you could know what was going on in his mind, don’t know this and seeing him like that, as if he was in another place, got you angry too. But there wasn’t anything you could do. 

After you finished everything you went to the little office to take your things while you said goodbye to everyone. The last one you did it was Jackson, but he didn’t even looked at you. Feeling worse you took you headphones, but before you could put it you heard Jackson calling you. Turning you looked at him very surprised. 

Running his hand through his hair he tried to smile and asked you “y/n are you busy now?”

Even more surprised now you tried to act as everything was normal and your heart wasn’t racing like it was. “Actually I’m not, why?”

“I know its late...”, he talked as if he wasn’t sure of what he was doing, “but do you want to go somewhere else now?”

You never thought your heart could race like that. Not just your heart but all your body seemed to be reacting to his words. Trying to calm down yourself and seem normal, you answered, “okay, like where?”

If he seemed unsure before now he seemed very surprised. Taking your side and walking in your pace he answered, “I don’t know. I think there still some places open at this time right?“, he tried a smile.

Even his lips were smiling you could see that his eyes were still sad. “I think so”, you smiled back.

Some minutes later you two saw a bar that were still open. It was a very simple bar with the basic. And wasn’t full so you two entered.

And now even you two were already at a table and you were already in your third glass of your drink, all this situation still seemed very unreal. You never thought that someday you would do something like that with Jackson. He was in his fifth glass and started to seem a little affected. You got sure about it when he started to talk. 

“You know that woman that goes everyday to the restaurant right?”, he asked and he didn’t need to say more you knew exactly who he was talking about, “We were classmates at high school”, he said smiling sadly and continued, “she had a boyfriend at that time so I never got the chance to say that I liked her. So when I saw her entering our restaurant some months ago I thought I was having a second chance with her”, he smiled even more sad then before.

You didn’t know about this so you felt a little bad for the thoughts you had about the situation. 

“But today she went to the restaurant with her fiancée!”, as he said this last words he asked for another drink. 

So that was what happened. Now you could understand the whole situation, must be very frustrating think that you finally had your chance and then just find out that your someone already had someone. You felt real sorry for him since until yesterday you were kind of in the same situation he was now. 

“You know Jackson,” you started looking serious to him trying to get his attention, “I know its hard when you like someone that don’t feel the same for you, but it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes it happens, that’s life.”

As he took a deep sip of his drink he answered you, “I know, but what frustrates me is the fact that I never had the courage to confess. I didn’t have when I was younger and I didn’t have now. If I had talked to her since the beginning I still would be sad about it if it went wrong, but at least I would had tried something and not just waited my moment”, he finished the talk and took the rest of his drink and were already asking to the waiter for another one. 

His worlds hit you in a way you weren’t expecting. Your chest started to feel heavy, you spent the last months feeling sad and full of self pity for your unilateral feelings, but you never really tried to do something about it, you were too afraid to do something. But now you started to ask yourself: afraid of what? You were already in the no situation? What else did you got to lose?

You felt your eyes wet as you had this thoughts. Looking back at Jackson you noticed that he had another new drink in his hand, putting your thoughts away you started to worry about his state. 

One hour later you were on the middle of street caring both your backpacks and trying to take Jackson to his home. For your luck you were able to unlock his phone with one of his fingers so you could find his address. It was a five minutes walk, but with Jackson drunk as he was you would probably take more time.

You two took actually 15 minutes to finally get to Jackson’s home. In your way you had to stop one time for him to throw out some alcohol and one time for him to admire the stars and philosophize about life and its meaning. This second part were actually very funny you entered in crazy brainstorm. When you arrived to his apartment, for your luck Jackson was able to put his door password, you didn’t know what you would do if he was unable to do that. 

Putting your things on the floor you turned on the lights, his apartment was very simple but still cozy. Before he could go straight to his bed, you managed to convince him to take a shower and change his clothes. At sometime he started to talk no sense and you couldn’t stop yourself from laugh at him. While he was in the bathroom you searched for his towel and some clothes and put it at the door. 

Some minutes later he was in his bad smiling at you and taking your hand, “thank you y/n. Good night.”

You were got out of guard with that. You had no idea how much of that was drunk side or his sober side talking, but that phrase and that smile he made for you opened its way deeper in your heart. You never thought you could like him even more until now. 

Taking your phone you you cursed when you saw that already passed 3a.m., looking to his apartment you considered your options: there was no way you were going to home alone at this time, you could stay there for the rest of the night and explain yourself to Jackson you you wake up. It was an easy decision to make actually. 

With that you went back to his room and took a pair of clothes. You took a shower trying to relax your body. Today you were exhausted not just because of your work, but because all of the thoughts were running in your mind. You knew what you should do, but still you didn’t know if you got the courage. Trying to take your thoughts away with the water you spent sometime in the bathroom. 

Finally with Jackson’s sweatpants and shirt you laid in his couch feeling your body finally relaxing. You were too exhausted to make one clear thought but the last thought you remembered you had were Jackson’s smile before he fell asleep. 

The next morning you woke up still very lazy. Still adjusting your eyes to the lights of the day you heard some noises on the back. Getting up you saw the most beautiful view and suddenly felt very wake. You wish you could see that every morning for the rest of your life. 

Jackson was at the kitchen, no shirt on, only with his sweatpants. His hair was messy and he was making some coffee. Turning to your direction you saw his sleepy face while he smiled at you a embarrassed smile that made you feel even more awake. 

“Good morning y/n”

You took some seconds until you answered, “Good morning Jackson”, you smiled back suddenly remembering that your your hair must be very messy and your face with sleep marks. But you quickly started to explain yourself while you tried to fix your hair, “Sorry for ended up staying at your house without asking you, it was...”

“Don’t worry. I would probably woke up at that bar if it wasn’t for you”, he smiled again and you thought your heart would explode, “do you want some coffee? It’s the least I can do for you after last night.

“Sure”, you answered quickly while you were still able to talk. 

You two drank your coffee in silence at the table at the kitchen. It wasn’t that kind of awkward silence, actually it was a comfortable one. While you were drinking your mind went back to the last night and you started to wonder if that wasn’t your time to take your chance and finally tell Jackson how you felt about him. This thought made your whole body react and you started to feel anxious. 

After both of you finished your coffee Jackson got up and took your cups to the kitchen sink. Taking it as a sign for you to go, you got up and went to take your things. Noticing what you were doing Jackson wet to the door. 

Facing him you finally made your decision. 

“About last night...”, he started but you interrupted him.

“Last night was funny”, you could see he wasn’t expecting you to say that, “let’s do it again another time”, you smiled. 

“Sure”, he answered still surprised, “but let’s go to a new place next time, I think I still too embarrassed to go back there so soon”, he added open the door for you.

Going outside you turned to face him. 

“Jackson...”, you suddenly said and he looked at you waiting. 

“I thought a lot about you said last night. And I think I shouldn’t hold my feelings anymore”, at that point his face was blank, but you couldn’t take it back now, “I like you. I’ve been liking you for sometime now.”, he seemed very shocked with your worlds and got even more nervous for not knowing what it could mean, “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know and... If you don’t like me back I wish our relationship at work continues the same. I don’t want the friendship that we are building to end.”

His face were still shocked. Some seconds passed, he kept the same expression and you started to think that it was a mistake. It was the very first time you did something like that, so you never thought about what comes next.

[switchysmythe]

First Date |Killiot

WHO: Elliot Smythe and Kirin Rhodes ( @kirinrhodes )

WHEN: 3rd August 3019.

WHERE: Town/Kirin’s dorm.

WHAT: First date.

NOTES: I never posted this cause I’m trash but it’s just first date feels between these losers.

Elliot was definitely nervous for tonight because this was an actual real first date and he doesn’t think he’s ever had one of those. He goes for casual clothing, though, because it’s drinks and drinks are easy. He can drink. He’s not running late, not really, he just had been freaking out a little and got himself all worked up because he was going on a date and his nerves were getting the better of him. He needed a damn shot. He did make his way to the parking lot when he was finally ready, dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt with a black bomber jacket. He spots Kirin there and he smiles, feeling his nerves lessen ever so slightly.

Kirin too had never been on a proper date, but he’d been on so many awkward social engagements he figured that this couldn’t be any worse. Besides, any time spent with Elliot was always less awkward than his normal life.  Sitting behind the wheel of his green Maserati he spotted El and revved the engine, and smirked. He waited for El to get in and leaned over to kiss him. “Hello Gorgeous,” he chirped, throwing it into gear and peeling out of the school.

Elliot easily kisses the Dom back, smiling into it. “Hey,” he replies, laughing softly. “Nice car,” he teases. Of course Kirin had a stupidly flashy car, the switch wasn’t even surprised by that at all. He literally screamed rich stereotype, expect for how awkward he sometimes was but that was just adorable and endearing and he liked that side of Kirin. Even if Elliot was awkward himself so it made for extra awkwardness. “I am so ready for a drink,” he tells him.

Kirin chuckled, “could do with one myself,” he agreed, “but first, dinner.” He drove into town and parked near the park. “I’ve ordered food for us, it should be here,” he explained with a sly smile as he got out. In the park a small tent was set up with a kitchen set up and handful of people dressed in white bustling around. A picnic table was laid out with a table cloth and proper table setting. “Shall we, gorgeous,” he asked, offering his hand as they walked up to the table. A waiter met them and seated them, pouring champagne.

“Oh, yeah, can’t drink on an empty stomach,” the switch says with a laugh despite the fact he does that almost every single time he drinks. Elliot notices the tent and the strangers before he gets out of the car, he turns to look at Kirin once he gets out of the car. “Oh, my god, Kirin,” he says with a grin as he takes the Dom’s hand and walks towards the table. “This is... so cute,” he says biting down on his bottom lip as the champagne is poured for them.

Kirin smirks. He loves making Elliot squirm. “The staff is all French, so you’ll have to do the talking,” he explained and then added with a say smile,”and probably very tired, they just flew in this morning”

Elliot lets out a laugh, eyes wide. “You’re unreal, do you know what?” he asks, unable to stop smiling. “You flew in French waiters for our first date?” he asks. He can’t even comprehend it, honestly. He had no idea how their date was going to go but he really hadn’t expected this at all.

“I have been told that before yes, although, usually with less of a smile and more of a eye roll,” he said pleased with himself. “No, that would be silly,” he said, “I flew in a French cook and he brought the waiters.” A waiter came over and offered them bread and cheese and said something Kirin didn’t understand.

“I definitely mean it as a compliment,” the switch assures him. He doesn’t think he deserves this, in all honesty, but he loves that Kirin has done it for him anyway. This is definitely a good first date and it’s barely even started. “Oh, my bad, of course that would be silly,” he says with a laugh. Elliot turns to the waiter and smiles, “je vous remercie,” he says to the waiter once he’s placed the bread and cheese down.

Normally, people speaking in another language around him made him feel uncomfortable mostly because he didn’t like that feeling of not being in control, but it pleased Elliot and he was fairly sure that he was paying the staff enough that they wouldn’t be talking shit behind his back. “You should most definitely speak French more often, Gorgeous. It’s pretty on your lips.” He buttered some bread and unfolded a napkin on his lap. “Does it feel like home yet?” “Yeah?” Elliot replies with a grin. He didn’t speak French very often mostly because nobody here could speak France so it was kind of hard to speak a language where no-one expect your brothers would understand. He liked that Kirin liked it on him, though. “Maybe I will, and I’ll just translate it for you so you know what the hell I’m talking about,” the switch says. “I just said thank you, then by the way,” he explains. He thinks about the question for a moment before he nods his head. “It does, yeah,” he confirms with a sort of longing sigh. He missed Paris too much.

Kirin chuckled, “that would be much appreciated.” He was far from home as well, not nearly as far, but definitely out of his element but he didn’t miss home. It was obvious from the sigh that Elliot did. “Tell me more about it. About Paris. Your favorite places”

“Then expect more French from me,” he tells him, knowing it probably wouldn’t happen all of the time but he could definitely slip it in every now and again. “I just love all of it, I’m super biased but it’s just such a good place to be.” He would recommend it to anyone. “There was a cafe me and my best friend always used to go to, The Hood Paris, it’s amazing. It sometimes has live music and the staff are the nicest, honestly. I don’t know how they could be so nice, it would drain me,” he laughs.

“I look forward to it. The only language my father encouraged me to learn was Mandarin. The plan backfired when the tutor was hot and had sticky fingers.” He listened as El spoke of home but more he watched the Switch’s face. “Sounds nice. I bet you and your friend raised a lot of drinks and havoc. I can agree with that. I’m not cut out for customer service. All the niceties and small talk. No thank you.” The waiter returned with appetisers that looked incredible especially for something made in a tent.

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like it worked out well. Why did he want you to learn Mandarin?” he questions. He doesn’t know how he feels to have Kirin’s undivided attention, having someone just watch him as he speaks. He thinks he likes it, he’s just not used to. Especially in a date setting. Elliot laughs and hums in agreement. “We really did. I miss her,” he says with a soft smile. “Honestly, small talk is not for me. It makes me super awkward so it was food I went that often it stopped being small talk and they just talked normally to us. Made it a whole lot better.” He thanks the waiter again when the food comes and it honestly looks amazing. And kind of familiar.

“Because we do a lot of business with China,” he shrugged. “Everything is about the business. But let’s not talk about that.” Kirin sampled the food. It was nothing like food in Texas, but delicious in its own way. “What’s her name? Was she a school mate?” He tried to think of thoughtful questions as he’d read up on proper date etiquette and it had been big on asking questions. “It sounds nice. You’ll have to take me there one day. Do you plan to move back after school?”

That made sense but he knew business was a sore spot for Kirin so he was happy to respect his request of not talking about it. “No more business talk, got it,” he says as he mimes zipping his lips and then grins at Kirin. “Yeah, we met in high school. Her name’s Simone,” he tells him. “I’ll take you there, definitely,” he says before he nods his head. “I want to, but I guess it depends on my future here, doesn’t it?” He couldn’t force someone to move to Paris with him but that is literally all he wants, to go back home.

“Well don’t zip them. I quite like your lips,” he said. “Simone- Pretty name,” he shrugged as the conversation veered close to small talk. “Well, I could make that very easy for you, you know,” he said. His feelings varied day to day, but his father hadn’t bothered him this week and he was back to sure he could claim Elliot and have happiness. Rather than the ‘I can never have any happiness’ route he usually was on after speaking with his father. “After dinner I thought we could go get proper drunk. I hope that’s not breaking too many date rules.”

Elliot smiles at the compliment. “Thank you, I’m glad you like them,” he replies. “You could?” he asks, eyebrows raising as he speaks. Things were Kirin were never the same, sometimes he was a glass half empty kind of person about his future, and sometimes it seemed like he might realise he doesn’t have to be his father but it never stuck. Elliot laughs. “Who cares about dating rules? We should just date how we wanna date and I am so down for getting proper drunk.”

“So far your lips haven’t done anything I don’t enjoy.” Kirin sipped some champagne frowning when the bubbles tickled his nose and setting it far away from him, wrinkling his nose. “Yes. If you were mine. I’m sure I could make a case for moving the head quarters to Paris. Or at the very least having a vacation home there.” Kirin spoke very matter of fact about this as if it were more a business transaction that he had faith in, than their future. “I suppose I thought everyone did? This isn’t actually my expertise, I specialize more in disposable food related dry goods, than dates. Oh that sounds like perhaps I’ll get a second date. Have I sealed that deal so soon in the first date?”

“Likewise, your lips are also pretty awesome.” He watches Kirin sips the champagne, a small smirk on his lips as he watches the scene unfold. He doesn’t understand Kirin most of the time, especially with his matter of fact he was being right now. The fact Kirin is saying he would change his plan, even slightly, for Elliot makes him feel some sort of way. “You should get a vacation home there anyway,” the switch replies. He’s not sure he wants to hold onto Kirin doing that for him even if it would be really nice. “No idea, honestly, I don’t date,” he says with a shrug. “So it’s also not my expertise either.” He sticks his tongue out between his teeth when Kirin asks about the second date. “I should have kept you hanging a bit longer,”’he teases. “I don’t see why I wouldn’t want a second date with you.”

“Perhaps I’ll have to show you what else they can do later.” He hopes that didn’t come off creepy as he fought off the bubbles. “Perhaps I will. You speak so highly of it. I’ve always thought it was quite a dirty city.” It did make him feel more at ease that Elliot had no standard to judge him by. “Ah but you have been seduced by my Wiley ways,” he laughed, “ah the meal.” The waiter arrived with quite the spread smelling of pure deliciousness. “I had worried this would be...too extravagant.”

Elliot presses his lips together, eyebrow quirking. “Is that so? I think I’d enjoy that,” he tells him. He laughs. “Like I said, I’m biased but you still should do it.” Elliot is kind of stuck on Kirin, it’s frustrating honestly because he hasn’t even known him that long and he also doesn’t think he’ll have a future with him. Not that he thought about the future much but Kirin did. Elliot thanks the waiter again as the food comes and it looks amazing. “It’s not too extravagant, I mean I totally wasn’t expecting anything like this but I love it. A lot so thank you.”

“I’ll look for real estate tonight,” he agrees. They’d been looking to open a branch abroad and expand, why not Paris, he thought. But he was just a kid with no real power, yet. It was still fun to pretend he did though. “I’m glad,” he nodded, “you deserve to be spoiled.” They ate with less conversation and more humming at the deliciousness until the waiter returned with dessert. Kirins eyes big and stomach full he whimpered, “oh I couldn’t possibly.”

Elliot doesn’t know why he’s surprised, Kirin has said before he’s not the type to joke but still, he’s surprised. “Wait, really?” he asks. “Like, that easily?” Elliot can’t even decide what he wants to eat on a day to day basis never mind just decide to get a house somewhere. He rolls his eyes fondly, he definitely didn’t deserve to be spoiled. He thanks Kirin anyway. He laughs at Kirin’s reaction to dessert. “Dessert goes to the heart, not to the stomach,” he jokes.

Well it doesn’t hurt to look, now does it?” The food was amazing and well worth the thousands it had taken to get the chef over on short notice just for them. “Oh that’s quite the saying,” he said, liking it quite a bit. “Alright then, I suppose it is rather small and we’ve come this far.” He would just have to hit the gym hard tomorrow. Once they were finished he sat back in his chair. “I think perhaps we should walk to the bar, maybe walk some of this meal off. I’m not sure how you French do this every day.”

“You make a good point,” Elliot agreed easily. He smiles when Kirin says he likes the saying, he heard it on a vine himself and he literally quoted at the damn time cause it was relatable. After the meal was over, and Elliot has thanked the waiters again. He turns to Kirin as he speaks and chuckles quietly. “Walking to the bar is a good idea,” he agrees. “I personally don’t do it everyday but we totally just build up a tolerance to it,” he teases.

Kirin hummed happily as Elliot spoke French to the waiter. He moved closer, casually letting his hand run over Elliot’s ass before paying the chef and thanking him. They started to walk and Kirin kept Elliot close, hand in hand. “I think that much butter would have me dead by 30,” he chuckled, “I’m surprised you’re not 300 pounds,” he teased, tickling Elliot’s side. “I’ve yet to be out in Lima. I’m sure the night life is...rather disappointing. Where do you recommend we go?”

Elliot smirks and doesn’t miss the way him speaking French affects the Dom. He does lean into his touch all too easily. “It’s a good job you don’t eat that much butter all the time, then, isn’t it? We wouldn’t want you dead so young,” he responds. He laughs when Kirin tickles his side, squirming away from him but he’s soon putting himself back at Kirin’s side. “It’s not the best,” he admits. “There’s a bar we can go to, though.” They know Elliot’s order by now, it’s kind of embarrassing.

“If I died who would take you on dates?” He realized that sounded weird so added, “kidding, they’d swarm if I wasn’t here scaring them all away.” He laughs rather cutely as Elliot squirms then clears his throat, not sure where that girlish giggle came from. “Lead that way, Gorgeous.”

Elliot laughs and rolls his eyes. “Are you scaring everyone away?” he asks with a smirk. He was pretty sure that people didn’t even know about him and Kirin, not that he was keeping it a secret. He grins at Kirin’s laugh. “Yes, Sir!” he says as they make their way towards the bar.

"Well not everyone, I allow your family contact," he joked, "But the ones who just want you for your body, I swat like flies." Of course he was doing nothing of the sort and for the most part had kept to himself since arriving, a bit too nervous to jump into the school with both feet. On the plus side, his new hobby of painting had emerged and was slowly taking over his suite. "Ooh don't tease me like that," he said, loving when El called him Sir for some reason. He held the door for the other as they walked into what seemed like a dive bar to Kirin, but by normal person standards was probably just fine. The bartender seemed to know Elliot and Kirin found it quite amusing. "Is this your other boyfriend then?"

Elliot rolls his eyes at Kirin’s response, shoving at his shoulder. “Idiot,” he mutters but he’s smiling. He doesn’t think there’s anyone wanting Elliot for more than just his body anyway. That’s how it’s always been or how Elliot’s made it to be, maybe. “You like it when I call you Sir?” he asks with a smirk. When they arrive at the bar, Elliot is greeted in his usual fashion and he sticks his tongue out at the Dom’s question. “Yeah, got boyfriends all over me.”

"I like when you call me Sir quite a bit, yes, "he said a little blush tinting his cheeks. "Is that alright?" Kirin smirks that he managed to slip one by Elliot and that he didn't notice he said "other " boyfriend, implying he was one as well. "I should have brought a leash," he teased, pulling Elliot closer to him by his belt loop. He ordered a gin and tonic and warns him " Keep that tongue in your mouth unless you plan on using it on me"

Elliot laughs softly and he doesn’t miss the slight blush on Kirin’s cheeks which is kind of really adorable. “Yeah, that’s fine,” he says. He may not be completely onboard with the whole system but he doesn’t mind using titles.  He smirks when Kirin pulls him closer by his belt loop, his stomach swooping at the action. “You want me to use it on you, Sir?” he asks, unable to stop himself smirking cockily at the Dom.

Kirin rolled his eyes hard. “Oh please. The leash is for you. Keep you close,” he said shaking his head. He took his drink from the bartender and gave him a card to keep a tab open. “So what do you do here...”

Elliot looks around the pub for a moment before he looks back to Kirin. “I usually just come with Kurt and we just drink and talk and get really drunk,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders. He moves closer to Kirin after he’s ordered his own drink and has it in hand. “Nothing special but,” he trails off. “It’s alright.”

“Talk.. mmm,” he hums, wondering if Kurt was better at conversation than he was. His eyes scan the room. “Perhaps you should show me your billiards skills, Gorgeous,” he said eyeing the tool table.

“Yes, talk,” Elliot confirms. He follows Kirin’s gaze before he looks back at the Dom and shrugs his shoulders. “Okay but I’m not the best,” he warns.

Kirin narrowed his eyes. "For a man who spends enough time in this bar that the barkeep didn't even need to ask you what you wanted, you certainly seem like you haven't taken full advantage of this amenities." He wandered over to the pool table and started to chalk a cue. He'd played a decent amount, mostly as a child on the pool table at his father's office. His father would bring him in, but then mostly just leave him to entertain himself. The pool table had been a good source of fun for most his childhood . "Come on, Gorgeous. I'll help you," he said, slipping up behind Elliot and handing him the cue, then leaning into his back side as he reached around to put help El hold the cue properly. He had no doubt Elliot at least knew how to hold the cue, it was all just an excuse to be this close to him.

Elliot rolls his eyes. “I come to the bar to drink, why do you think they know my order?” he asks with a laugh. He only ever played pool as a kid and then if he ever won or came close to winning it was always a fluke. He follows the Dom to the pool table. He’s placed his drink down before Kirin comes up behind him. He huffs out a laugh. “I’m not completely hopeless, I can hold a cue,” he tells him with a laugh as he takes the cue from Kirin. “Not that I mind you being this close to me,” he adds art a smirk on his lips.

Kirin uses the position to his advantage and leans into Elliot, breathing hot on his neck. "No? I was really hoping to make you very very hopeless...helpless...mine," he whispered, kissing up his neck as his hand wandered south to grab the Frenchman's ass. "You sure you don't need my help..."

Elliot relaxes into Kirin, feeling those stupid butterflies in his stomach once again. He lets out a shaky, content sigh. “Will you only have me if I’m hopeless?” he teases as he feels a shiver run down his spine from the Dom kissing his neck.  He presses his ass back into Kirin’s touch. “Uh, actually, I think I definitely need your help.”

"No, Gorgeous, but it would make things a lot easier," he teases with a chuckle straightening up only slightly, body still pressed into El's back. "Oh yeah? Well then...let's clear this table and start our own game, yeah?" He reached around holding the cue around Elliot's body and taking a shot. The sharp pang echoed as the cue sent the balls flying towards the pockets, sinking one of the three balls left on the fuzzy table top. He shifted, moving Elliot with him, and shot another in the corner pocket. The cue ball curved right back to his stick ready for the last shot. "Mmm this one will be difficult," he explained, as if shooting around an entire person wasn't challenge enough. "You'd better turn around," he said, gently turning Elliot in place so they were face too face> "And scrunch down a little...might be best a little lower,..."

lliot just lets Kirin control his moves, where he should be, and honestly he’s not paying that much attention because Kirin is so close to him and that’s all he can focus on right now. He laughs when Kirin turns him around so they’re face to face. “Idiot,” he says with a fond smile on his lips as his hands come to rest of the Dom’s hips. “You want me to get on my knees for you?” he asks, raising his eyebrows with the question.

Kirin simply give a smirk as he lines up his shot awkwardly around Elliot. "Well if you think that would be best, then perhaps yes, "he said, smirking the whole time. "Just while I shoot. You understand, don't you Gorgeous?"

“I’m not sure that I do,” Elliot teases, feigning innocence as his hands move from Kirin’s hips to the front of his jeans. “Just while you shoot?” he asks, repeating the Dom’s words as he presses the palm of his hand against his crotch.

Kirin shuttered as El’s hand touched him. They’d yet to get into bed together but if the night went on like this, Kirin doubted he’d be able to resist. “Tonight..tomorrow... the rest of your life...” he said with some strain in his voice

Elliot couldn’t help but feel smug when he heard the strain in Kirin’s voice, knowing it was because of him. “Yeah?” he asks. “Think you could deal with me for the rest of my life?” He asks as he undoes Kirin’s jean button and zips his jeans down so he could feel more of him.

“I co-“ he started, but Elliot’s hand made him freeze and try to catch his breath. His eyes darted around the bar. There were people but not so many they could be lost in a crowd and not so few no one would notice shenanigans happening. He swallowed and took a few quick breaths as El grabbed him. “Not if you kill me first,” he breathed, wrapping a hand around to grab El’s ass. “Naughty naughty. Don’t make me punish you in your bar,” he said, trying to gain any control.

When Kirin falters, Elliot smirks. He knew they were in public and it wasn’t like Elliot hadn’t done things in public before but he came here all the time so he was being brave, or an idiot. “Oh, I don’t want to kill you, that wouldn’t be fun,” he laughs. He raises an eyebrow. “I can stop,” he says as he pulls his hand away slightly. “Not sure I want to be punished,” he adds with a laugh.

Kirin’s eyes were scanning the room again, but this time for doors not people. “You’re going to If this keeps up,” he said under his breath, then grabbed hold of Elliot’s hand pulling it away and pinning it on the edge of the pool table. He knew he was going to regret this, but he didn’t have a choice, “...bathroom. Now,” he ordered, pulling Elliot towards the back of the room

“Hm, does that mean I can’t touch you?” he teases. He hadn’t really expected this to be how their date went but he’s not mad about it, honestly. He should be bothered that Kirin is pulling him into a bathroom he’s been on his knees in way too many times, drunk and with strangers. But he doesn’t care because he wants Kirin. “Fuck,” he practically groans. “Okay,” he says as if he would have ever even considered saying no as he’s pulled away from the pool table.

Kirin practically dragged Elliot into the small room shoving the door shut and then pushing Elliot back up against it. He leaned into El, a hand braces on either side of his body against the door. “You. You are a tease,” he growled, the Dommy side of him creeping out more and more, but he couldn’t help it. “

Elliot looks at Kirin with wide eyes, anticipation hanging heavy in the air. He swallows thickly and despite being desperate to touch Kirin and feeling a little dizzy, he manages a small smirk when Kirin calls him a tease. “But you like it, right?” he asks

He’s not used to having to hold back. Before school he was almost always fucking and scenening with someone he’d hired. No need to hold back anything much then. But Elliot was important. He had to temper himself because god only knows how El would react to his unleashed dominance, seeing El didn’t even believe in the system. In answer, Kirin grabbed Elliot’s hand and pushed in on to his hard cock again. “You could say that.” He lunges in, kissing the boy hard, running his hands all over his body, and trying to strip his shirt off.

Elliot keeps his hand on Kirin’s cock as the Dom kisses him. He groans into his mouth, palming at his length as the kiss heats up. He pulls back ever so slightly, having to move his hand, so his shirt could come off but then his hips are back on Kirin’s and his hand his back on his length. He pushes his hand into his underwear so he can actually touch him. His fingers wrap around his length and he strokes him.

What was he thinking? Hooking up in a dirty bar bathroom? How very pedestrian. But Elliot already was shirtless and that hand on his cock was threatening to drive him mad. His lips crashed back into Elliot’s and he shoved his own hand down the back of Elliot’s jeans, teasing his fingers over the Switches hole. “You deserve better than a quickie in a toilet stall,” he grumbled.

Elliot moans into the kiss as Kirin teases at his hole. He lets out a breathless laugh at the Dom’s words because he wasn’t stopping. “I don’t care,” he tells him without hesitation. He didn’t think he deserved better but he wasn’t about to say that and ruin the moment.

That moan just about drove Kirin insane, and almost convinced him to drop the argument. But he knew he was right. Elliot deserved far better than this. He kept kissing the boy but pulled his hand back, whining. “I will not...” he paused to kiss him again, “...tell our children.... our first time was in a bar bathroom.” He finally, breathlessly, pulled back from El’s lips. “Let’s get drunk and go back and at least allow me to bed you in a proper bed.

Elliot almost pouts when Kirin stops this. He can’t be mad, not that he would be anyway, especially when Kirin is being so nice about it. Though, children? Elliot was not about to touch that. “Fine, okay,” he says but he isn’t really annoyed, he’s smiling. He kisses Kirin again, slow, and then pulls back. “I plan on getting stupid drunk cause I need to focus on something that is on mine boner, or yours,” he says with a laugh as he grabs his shirt and puts it back on.

Kirin is sure he's lost his mind. He'd been dreaming of fucking Elliot for weeks now, nervously dreaming,but still. And here he was turning him away. It was the right thing to do though and this bathroom was grossing him out. "My tab is open, but I don't wish to carry you home, yeah?" He kissed Elliot's lips again, not eager to give him up. "Maybe I can help with that," he said, just as knock came at the door and they had to vacate awkwardly. Kirin lead them back towards the pool table and their drinks on small high top table. He took a big gulp of his gin and tonic to try and ease his nerves and lust. "You will be the end of me, I just know it," he sighed.

‘Hmm, okay,” Elliot replies with a smirk. “I’ll not get too drunk that you’ll have to carry me home, promise.” He kisses the Dom back, and wishes it could continue but he can wait. He’s never been the most patient guy but he’s sure Kirin will be worth the wait. He coughs awkwardly as they leave the bathroom. He smirks as Kirin takes a large drink of his gin before he takes a sip of his own. “Sounds fun,” he jokes, grinning at him.

Kirin eyed the Switch and the smiled. "I suppose, if you're the death of me, I can lay back in my grave with a smile on." He pulled Elliot in by his shirt, kissed him and then pushed him gently towards the pool table. "Come on, show me what you've got, Barfly," he teased. They played a few games of pool, drank, laughed, kissed..a lot, but finally the darkening sky told them it was time to head back. "Balls. It's  nearly curfew. We need to hussel," he said, downing the last of his drink.

“Well that’s adorable,” the switch replies with a shy smile before he’s being pulled in. He hums happily and kisses the Dom back. He rolls his eye at the nickname. “Yes, Sir,” he teases. He’s pretty impressed with how long he’s able to last without just dropping to his knees for Kirin, he manages to even forget about it for a little while as he gets more and more drunk, but not too drunk that he won’t be able to get it up when they get back. He turns to look at Kirin and actually pouts because he kinda of really doesn’t want the date to be okay. “I suppose we should go,” he says as he slides up to Kirin.

Kirin put his arm around El's waist, pays his tab, leaves a decent tip and they walk back to campus with a decent amount of laughter and tripping. Maybe even falling off the sidewalk once or twice. "You're drunk," he teases, though he is clearly just as drunk. "Shhh going back to campus, we have to be good or they'll spank us, "he says, laughing loudly then shushing himself as they get up to the gates and show their ids to get in.

“You’re drunk,” Elliot quips back as they make their way back to campus. He definitely feels drunk and he’s back to just wanting Kirin. “You want them to spank you?” he teases, he’s loud though, always gets louder when he’s drunk. He shows the guards his ID and then walks, stumbles mostly, to the Dom’s dorm.

Kirin's face got red and his eyes huge and he grabbed El pulling him close and covering his mouth. "No.  Shush your mouth now," he said sternly, then laughed at himself. They're laughing when they tumble into the door and Kirin accidentally slams it closed behind them, sending them both laughing again. He pulled El in tight, kissing him hard and fast, hands going to strip the other's clothes off him fast. "You need to be in my bed, right now, naked."

Elliot feels dizzy, and not from the booze. He’s so desperate and needy for Kirin in this moment and god does he want to be in his bed. “Yes, please,” he breathes against his lips before he kisses him again, needy and rough and he doesn’t care.

Kirin's tempted to shove the boy to the floor and demand his mouth, but he forced some control on himself.  He groaned into El's neck as he kissed over his chest. He paused to strip his own shirt off revealing his ripped chest and abs. He walked El backwards towards his bed and then shoved the switch backwards on to it, letting El bounce on the bed as he slipped his jeans off and then with a devious smile, climbed over El, holding himself up with one arm, using his free hand to cup El's face. "You're so sexy...such a tease though....driving me crazy all night.

Elliot’s eyes fell to the Dom’s chest and abs, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide a she took in how good Kirin looked. “Fuck,” he hisses out as the other climbs over him, he’s still looking up at him with wide eyes. “I wanted to see if you’d cave and just fuck me there,” he teases. He leans up to kiss him as his hands trail down the Dom’s chest. “Fuck me,” he says into the kiss as one of his hands palms at the other’s cock.

“I told you...you deserved better than that. You deserve better than this too, but it’s what I’ve got at the moment,” he said, wondering why Elliot couldn’t see that a bathroom was no place to fuck anything but a whore. Kirins eyes roll back and his cock goes rigid as Elliot touches him and begs so softly. “Are you sure,” he asked coyly, pressing his hand down between them, teasing El’s cock. “Are you positive that’s what you want?”

Elliot didn’t care, as long as he had Kirin, he didn’t care where it was . “This is perfect, Kirin, because the date was perfect and you’re here,” he replies. They could be anywhere and Elliot wouldn’t care as long as he had him. He lets out a groan at the touch and nods his head. “I’m sure, I want this. I want you,” he assures him. He doesn’t think he’s been more sure of anything in this moment.

Kirin softly shook his head. "You deserve better than a bathroom fuck," he said simply, "So do I. " He leans in kissing El again, their bodies writhing against each other. Kirin groaned at the request. God he wanted to fuck this man. "Ah ah ask nicely, "he teased, losing all domminess as Elliot palmed his cock and made him whimper. He returned the favor, moving to tease El's hole. "I think I want that mouth first."

Kirin wasn't wrong about that. "You do deserve better," he agrees without hesitation. He rolls his eyes when Kirin tells him to ask nicely as if telling the Dom he wanted him, and this, wasn't nice enough. He moans as Kirin teases his hole. "Kirin," he practically whines because god he just wanted him.  "Okay, fuck, you can have my mouth," he agrees.

"As do you," he corrected, not willing to let Elliot weasel out of that.  With their bodies so close, Kirin feels like the world has gone and time has stood still for them. The way Elliot whines his name makes his heart flip in his chest. "Elliot," he whispers back, teasing his finger into his hole gently.  "Good boy..." he whispers gently, lovingly, "But ...I realize now...I don't wish you to move from my arms. I quite like your body so close to mine." He continued to kiss El's neck and back, holding him tight to him. "I believe I could be quite happy if you never moved again." Elliot, once again, does not comment. He also doesn’t let on about the fact he doesn’t like to be called good boy because this moment is too good to bring up that. “How are you being so cute with your fingers when they are?” the switch asks. He lets out a quiet laugh as his twists his fingers in the Dom’s hair. “I think I would be quite happy if I never moved again as well,” he says and he’s smiling fondly at the Dom on top of him because he’s ridiculous and Elliot can’t seem to get enough of him.

“It’s one of my many talents,” he whispered, making his point by gently kissing El’s skin and making him moan by finding that sweet spot with his fingers. “Well...perhaps a little moving wouldn’t be awful,” he said, taking his fingers back and quickly grabbing lube from the side table and slicking his cock. Gently he lined up with El’s hole, kissing his neck. “You ready Gorgeous,” he asked, hips barely containing their excitement.

Kirin was definitely going to be the death of Elliot. He shifts to watch the Dom as he applies the lube and then he’s there and this s about to happen. He looks at Kirin and nods his head, he’s more than ready. “Yeah, yeah, I’m ready,” he confirms eagerly, eyed wide and his body tingling with anticipation and excitement.

Kirin smiles softly. The booze still tingling in his system is making this moment feel good ls a little extra. Like a movie. Something he needed to get perfect.  Slowly, he eased in steadily, until his thighs met Elliot’s ass.

Elliot tenses around the Dom’s length before he lets himself relax, groaning at the feel of Kirin inside of him. “Fuck, Kirin,” he moans as he grips hold of his forearms, looking up at him with lust blown eyes. This was really happening and Elliot was delirious with how food it felt to feel so full by him.

Kirin gasped as he bottomed out inside Elliot. He'd never done this this slow before, never stopped to savor the sensations. "FUck" he echoed, kissing Elliot's warm skin and wrapping his strong arms around the other. "You feel even more amazing that I dreamt you would," he whispered, starting to very slowly ease out and then back in.

[asinnerslife]

IN A WAR WITH YOUR MIND

Chronic Anxiety & Panic attacks generally don’t subside  overnight. At first, my expectation was that it would. When it didn’t, I became  more anxious. Even though I still have my fair share of dark spots, I’m doing  everything I can to dig in and accept that this is going to be an extended  journey that I finally have enough courage to start facing . When you’re in it,  it feels awful and scary and unreal your body feels like it left you into  another world and your stuck and cant move and your body and your mind is  completely removed from any “normal experience”. In those moments, sometimes all  you can do is have hope and pray and remind your self that all your test the  ekgs and chest x-rays and blood work came out good , its hard but give yourself  permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling, and be patient. I know  firsthand that this is a lot easier to said then done.it’s a scary place to be fighting, healing from something  that has caused you so much pain and exhaustion. waking up every morning to  fight the exact same demons that left you so exhausted the  night before an  doing it all alone again.  

Maybe you have a friend or family member who’s  there for you who tells you that you can turn to them, but they will never  understand the pain  and how your body feels when you go threw these episodes  .you feel alone in the never-ending battle you fight every single day. And so  you stay silent, doing your absolute best to heal from the things that has  brought you so much pain and confusion . And every morning you wake up and try  your best to continue to fight, to continue to heal from something no one even  knows you are dealing with. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world, I know.  Trying to heal, trying so freaking hard to keep healing from something that  nobody even knows you are hurting from you don’t even know what your hurting  from or what’s bothering you most of the time . but your tired of feeling un  normal I know what your going through 100 %. Sitting  in meetings or taking phone calls or having to talk to people and acting like  everything is fine and you are cheerful and happy why the DEMON is sitting right  there on your shoulder saying I’m still here hurry up before I send you this  sensation or feeling or pain to your body to make you look like an idiot in  front of everyone.. nobody will understand the fight you fight with yourself the  prison your mind traps you in.its a tireless fight. I  may look perfect on the outside but on the inside I am suffering. Getting  through the day is exhausting everything is difficult. Some days are physically,  mentally and emotionally draining. I  find myself getting easily frustrated with my friends, family members and  co-workers, even though I know there’s no way they know I’m having a hard day.  I’m extremely irritable  I just want to be far away from people and hide in my  own bubble but I also know that’s the worst place to be is all alone with your  thoughts. I spend a lot of time staring off into space trying to regain control  of my own mind sometimes things don’t get done at all I easily lose focus on the  things that I have to do but my physical body is present but my mind seems so  far gone I just lose track of myself at times. I find it difficult to experience  joy to its fullest extent anymore I’m sure you have been there as well right?  the hobbies we used to love that brought us so much happiness and joy eventually  become a burden and we don’t  find pleasure in them anymore. you become less and  less excited about anything and feel as though your living your life half  numb.I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied by studying different things or  just taking a random drive but  that fear always seems to hide in the back of  your mind if you can really enjoy anything on your own or not anymore. I used to  always be that person whos always on the go rather its always hanging out with  friends going to the movies or going fishing or to parties I was always into  something and now these past few years I feel I lost more friends I lost the  things I used to love to do because there’s no one to do them with anymore and I  feel the friends I got now feel sorry for me so they have to be my friend and I  don’t like feeling that way and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or my  life because most people when you open up to them they find that as weakness and  I don’t want to be weak. weak to me is trying to get help for something you know  is just a mind trick and doctors anymore don’t want to help you I  feel as though they don’t  understand the chaos that it is going inside my mind.  Perhaps they thought I was okay because I managed to drag myself to the doctor’s  office and everything I said made sense I’m tired of going to a doctor that “  ACTS “ as though they hear you but they don’t there just to worried about  writing you a prescription anymore. then just simply talking to you and giving  you ways to try and overcome this mind battle and were it came from. If  you know someone living with high-functioning depression or anxiety or   excessive worrying who mentions there struggling to you , please just listen to  them, and don’t try to ignore how they feel because the fact that they are  suffering even though they are not showing it takes courage. sometimes its just  in our heads and we just need someone to listen to us so we feel as though were  still alive or still normal. Living with a chronic mental illness often feels like waiting for  the other shoe to drop. I’ve been struggling for a while but I’m finally coming  around to admitting it I  still find it hard to communicate how I feel but I try now.  

[ghelikblack]

Welcome to Spacekru

You can read the full story over here

Space smells like the Mountain did. It is a pungent, unnatural smell, mixed with rust and new metal and rosins. The scents waft through the ventilation system, following her everywhere and making her nauseous.

Nobody else seems to be bothered by the stench, but Echo has to regularly swallow back bile, holding her breath for as long as her lungs allow. Sometimes, when there is nobody around to witness, she allows herself to empty the contents of her stomach when nausea overtakes her.

There is much to be done, and little time to be ill, so she controls herself. Raven Reyes needs able-bodied people to help her carry heavy machinery around. The skaikru second is a witty, spirited woman, always with a thousand things to do. She explains the tech in long rambling tirades that leave the spy struggling to understand. The frikdreina, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have trouble following some of the explanations. She readily asks for clarifications when needed and is rewarded with Raven Reyes’ appraising smile and gentle words.

It is slightly unsettling to be surpassed in rank by a frikdreina, but Echo knows her life lies in the mercy of her former enemies, which makes her a slave to their whims in all but name.

So she bites her tongue and helps Raven Reyes set up her heavy machines.

Monty Green is the group’s High Farmer – not that there are any other farmers in the small band. His mangled hands won’t allow him to do much of anything, so he spends his days ordering Bellamy Blake, Murphy and Echo around the soon to be his hydroponic farm. Bellamy Blake and Murphy are also responsible for aiding him in more personal matters.

Their healer is Harper McIntyre, and Echo cannot bring herself to cross the threshold of their med bay with the gleaming instruments and the pale walls and the syringes.

She stands at the door, holding the box of supplies they’ve ordered her to bring to the blonde woman, her feet rooted to the ground and her heart beating in her throat.

She hears it: the whirl of machinery and the thud of the boy's body as it is laid down on the floor. The crude comments of the two young monsters as they drag it through a metal door and turn to the silent cages. The impotence of knowing there is nothing she can do and the knowledge that she is too afraid to do anything even if she could. The room smells of death, and she knows it will rear its ugly head towards her. Next time their crackling electricity touches her and the world turns dark and unreal, next time their poison paralyzes her, and she's caged inside her own mind while they bleed her like a pig she will not wake. She's trapped, and she's in line for a dishonorable death and they-

“Echo?”

The monster touches her. Crackling electricity at its fingertips, the bars of her cage close in on her and she doesn’t want to die. This is not how she dies.

“Echo?!”

Another monster is on her, pushing her to the ground. No bleeding then, they just want to have their drunken fun with her. She pulls her lips back from her teeth. If they don't put her down with their poison, she might get an honorable warrior’s death after all.

She fights them off, waits for the bite of their lightning weapons, but it doesn’t come. Someone slams her against a wall, stone weirdly smooth and cold like the hands of death. Her arms are wrenched behind her back. Someone’s shouting. Someone’s sobbing.

She feels the sturdy frame of the monster at her back, squashing her. She feels the cloth rubbing on her bare back, the foul breath fanning over the side of her face.

She bucks, but she isn't strong enough to shake him. Adrenaline is still coursing through her veins, muting the gut-wrenching fear. "Get it over with, then."

“Where are you?” asks a weirdly familiar voice at her back.

The question comes so out of left field, it leaves her blinking at the stonewall. Only it’s not stone. It’s metal. A metal wall makes no sense. The mountain didn’t have metal walls, only doors. To her left is a dark window. The mountain didn’t have windows. She turns her head and sees a familiar profile.

No monster. Just a Skaikru man – Bellamy.

The world comes rushing into focus, and she remembers: Praimfaya, Polis engulfed in flames, a small tin can rocketing into the sky.

“You with us?”

She nods against the wall, and Bellamy lets go of her arm, she can feel the throb of her skin where his fingers wrapped around her forearm. He steps back, allowing her to turn and see what she has done. Harper McIntyre is tipping her head back, blood pouring out of her nose. The frikdreina Emori has a red welt on her cheek and here is starting to swell shut. Still, she's holding a furious looking Murphy back.

Bellamy stays close, shielding his people from her.

Echo feels sick. She is on borrowed time already, and she’s lashing out like some rabid animal.

You know what has to do with rabid animals.

She backs away, her back colliding with the cold metal of the hall's wall.

Nowhere to go.

They are going to put her down. She is useless if she can’t perform a simple task like deliver supplies without causing a scene.

"Murphy, why don't you help Harper get the bleeding under control?”

“What about her?”

“I’ll deal with Echo.” Murphy doesn’t look happy, but he turns to Harper McIntyre, closely followed by the frikdreina Emori, leaving Echo and Bellamy alone in the hall.

“Come, let’s get out of here.”

The spy follows.

He’s probably kicking himself for wasting resources on her over the last few days. The precious air they spent on her could've significantly helped when they first arrived at the palace in the Void.

He opens a door and steps aside, their execution chamber, no doubt.

When the light snaps on, she sees a bed and a small desk, shelves mounted on the walls.

She turns to him, and Bellamy shrugs. "I noticed you sleeping under the desks in the mess hall. We have enough room for you to have a bed, you know.”

Echo looks around the room. Is this a Skaikru tradition?

“There is no need for last rites. It would only be a drain on your resources.”

Bellamy frowns. “Last rites? What because of what happened?”

“I attacked your healer.”

There is a moment of silence. The Skaikru leader can’t her in the eye, staring instead at the wall behind her left shoulder. “It was the mountain, wasn’t it? You thought you were inside the Mountain.”

It isn’t a question, so she doesn’t interrupt.

Bellamy rubs the back of his head like he’s wont to do and wanders into the room, collapsing into the chair. Echo remains standing by the door. When he talks again, he does so looking at his hands “I know what it’s like. Going somewhere and finding yourself back in-“ he cuts himself short, hiding his weakness as quickly as possible. With a sigh he looks up, eyes flitting over her before fixing in a point over her shoulder. “Nobody here is going to punish you for something you cannot control.”

“Warrior's dream is an infection. It needs to be cut out before it spreads to other warriors."

His eyes snap to her so quickly, she takes a step back. “I won’t kill anyone else. Like it or not you are one of us now, and I am not losing anyone else.”

“With all due respect, master, what good is a mind crippled warrior to you?”

"I told you once, and I'll repeat it. You are strong."

Echo huffs, fighting to reign her temper in. “I am a sick warrior with barely a grasp of what is going on. Let’s face it, there is nothing up here I can do to help you. I can’t even get supplies from one end of the ship to the other!”

“It took four of us to take you down.” He stands. “We need you to train us.”

Echo frowns at the unexpected command. “Train you in combat skills. That is my purpose?”

Bellamy nods. “Yeah.”

He is giving her a reason to be here, something to do and the wave of relief that washes over her makes her knees go weak.

“I won’t let you down, master.”

“Please, just call me Bellamy.”

full story over at AO3

[mynotsoawesomescenarios]

Selfless |2|

A/N: I was going to do a sad ending but I really cant suffer like that. So, YAY HAPPY ENDING!

Also, thank you for all the love given to this mini series??? I didnt expect that at all. I hope this ending is good enough for you all and holds up to the standared you expected it to be.

~Admin Allie

“Y/N?” You nodded your head and unlocked your door and he understood your hint. The last thing you would want to do is have this discussion in front of his mother and your children. He pulled open the passenger seat door and settled in. It was quiet for more than a minute and you went to ask him what her wanted to say but he interrupted before you could draw a breath.

“I love you.”

You were silent for more than a moment. You allowed the simple words to sink into your broken heard and mend the frayed bits that had never healed.

“I love you so much, and being away from you forced me to realize that.” His voice broke and he drew in a long breath. “I realized that so many things I thought I knew about love were wrong.” He bit down on his jaw, still fighting him past self. “Making you happy, spending time with you and giving you the life you deserved is how I expressed my love for you.” He stopped speaking but the way he ended his sentence let you know that he still had something to say. “And when I left…when I took all of that away from you, it broke me in a way that only a person who knows the feeling of love can be broken.”

You stayed quiet. There was no way that you could respond to him as you were experiencing too many emotions at once. He looked at you, teary eyes nearly begging you to say anything, but when you didn’t, he closed them and accepted what had felt like rejection. He looked out of the window and gave himself a nod, letting himself know that he had tried. He lifted his hand to the door handle, ready to step out of your life for the second time. This sent a jolt of fear into you, you couldn’t lose him again so you quickly shouted.

“I love you!” He never turned to you, he just froze in place. “I love you so much,” Your voice started to thicken. You had so much to say to him, all of which fell between the emotions of love and hate. “But you have no idea how fucked up my life has been since you left.” He knew this would come and he was ready to take every word of it. “I know I told you to forget about us, your family, but did it ever occur to you that I never actually meant it?” You weren’t waiting for a response and nor did he give you one. “If you knew that you loved me so soon after leaving, why did you stay away for so long?” He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He knew how difficult your life had been, so he felt that he was in no place to cry right now. “Jongin, look at me,” is something you didn’t have the heart to say when he left but you made sure he saw all of the pain that he had given you, all of the visible stress that you wore on your face.

He looked to you, eyes bloodshot from refusing to let his tears fall. “Jongmi, you know how smart she is, wise beyond her years. But that didn’t stop her from thinking that she had done something to make you hate her and me. And Jongmin, he thinks its normal to only have a mom, he-,” You started losing your composure. This is what has made you the saddest. Its not your own pain that has been eating at you, if he had left just you, you would have been over it. But the pain of your children drained you. Knowing that your daughter thought her father didn’t like or want her and your son think that he was supposed to only have a mom broke you past a point you could bare. You never healed from the divorce because your children themselves had never healed from not having a dad.

He looked at you and you could tell that he identified with your pain. He allowed himself to cry and to cautiously take your hand while you let your tears hit your lap. The car was filled with both of your sobs. “I’m so sorry,” he choked out. The words, while so short, held too much power. The way he wept when he spoke made your heart cry out for him. Had it been anyone else, you would tell them to leave after saying what they needed to. But with him, you knew he was genuine to the core, and it was never his intention to hurt you. So, with his apology, you sucked up your tears and looked to him.

“You’re forgiven.” He still shed tears when he looked at you but he no longer cried out. “This doesn’t mean that you get a pass back into our lives though. The kids will still need to adjust and heal, as do the both of us.” He nodded, unable to say much because of his voice now being hoarse. “But with time, we can get back to how we used to be.” He nodded and looked at you, you knew the look, the same one Jongmin gave you when he wanted to be hugged, kissed or comforted in anyway. You smiled at him and stretched your body over the console and snaked your arms around his waist. He didn’t think twice to embrace you. He wrapped his hands around you and let one of them fall to the back of your head, into your hair. You pushed your face deeper into the crook of his neck and breathed in deeply while he buried his nose into your crown and took in a deep inhale. The amount of love being felt in this small space was unreal.

You pulled yourself away from him and couldn’t find anything to say.

“I don’t really want to go back in the house right now… I would love to see the kids again, I really would. But I just need to be with you.” He looked down to his hands and picked at the hangnail on his right thumb. You started the car and he looked up to you, confused. “Where are we going?”

“I think you know.”

After only an eight-minute ride, you pulled up to the beach you and Jongin had met when you were in middle school. You walked to the spot next to the big rock, where you two always sat after classes. Close to no one ever came to this beach because there was nothing but pebbles and water, hardly an enjoyable beach to others. You sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, just simply enjoying the mere presence of Jongin.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Jongin said with a laugh in his voice.

“Of course, I do, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“I was just sleeping, no one asked you to throw rocks at me.”

“Okay, first, you looked like you weren’t breathing. Second, who sleeps on a beach filled with rocks?”

“Man, I could sleep anywhere when I was a kid.” He chuckled but mostly to himself.

“And you still could when we lived together. You used to fall asleep in the corner of the living room or drape half of your body over the kitchen table.” You both laughed at the memories.

“God, I missed this so much,” he looked off to the water and you nodded in agreement

“I have too. I’m happy today happened.” You were both quiet for a while. Today actually happened and the position you two were in was nearly unbelievable.

“Why did you come here anyway? You haven’t been here since-…sorry.”

“No, I haven’t been here since my parents passed.” You nodded and smiled at where the sea met the sun. “I came because I needed to find someone to keep the kids for a bit. Things have been…hard, financially.” His calm expression transformed into one of shock. He was tripping over his words before he could produce a sentence.

“Wh- Is- Oh god. Do you still have the house?” He got closer to you and slung his arm over your shoulders, trying to comfort you although you had already coped with the situation you were in.

“Yes, that’s why I had to bring the kids here though. There’s no way for me to support myself, them and the home all at once.” You shook your head and pursed your lips a bit, a habit you displayed when you were faced with a tough decision. Jongin noticed this and you nearly saw his brain trying to work something out for you. “Jongin, we just started speaking to each other again,” you giggled. “Don’t stress yourself out with the problems that are my own.” He shook his head at you.

“If it’s your problem, its mine too. We are family and I have to help you in any way I can.”

“Jongi-,”

“No,” his voice was stern. “I finally need to start taking responsibility for my family. I know, you are the most giving and selfless person I’ve ever had in my life, but you cannot refuse my help, especially when it comes down to you being separated from our children.” He looked to you and you kept your mouth shut because he was right.

You talked over the finances and Jongin decided that his income would go to the house while you used your money to support the family. This talk led to the talk of living situations. Now that he was back in your life, for what seemed like for good, you decided that he could come over whenever he wanted to but living together again was out of the question at this time. He was understanding of this wish, as expected, but that didn’t stop him from wishing that he could wake up to your face every day.

“Are you ready to head back? I miss the kids already.” You don’t know when, but you were now snuggled into the side of Jongin’s body with your head resting on his shoulder. The sun had started to set and the sky was displaying beautiful colors only nature could create.

“Yes, I’m ready.”

-

Jongin pushed open the door of his mother’s house slowly and instructed you to be quiet. You both slipped off your shoes and tip toed toward the room that was currently filled with laughter and the smell of Soybean Stew. You loved the smell and taste of his mother’s food.

He looked back to you and signaled you to stay put as he entered the room with sunken face. Ah, always putting on an act, Jongin had a flare for dramatics sometimes.

You heard his mother scurry to her feet and walk to him. “How did it go?” You didn’t hear a response from him but you head a smack that sounded like the impact was soften by clothing. She had a thing for hitting him on the back when he did or said something dumb so you assumed that was the action that had taken place. “You were supposed to bring her in for dinner!” She yelled while whispering. “You didn’t try hard enough and now you lost her again.”

You were confused but not at the same time. Up until the split, you and Mrs. Kim were joined at the hip. She had only been cold to you because she wasn’t good at expressing emotions of sorrow, so she was just mean to you whenever you tried to contact her. But you never spited her for that. You knew she was sad, not only did she lose a daughter that day, she had lost a best friend and grandchildren as well.

“What are you going to do now, Jongin?”

“I’m going to do as you asked.” You heard joy in his voice.

“What?” She was fed up with him and she didn’t understand why he was expressing happiness until he pulled you into the room. Her face dropped and her eyes instantly filled with tears as she ran across the room to embrace you. For some reason, her hug was so much warmer than anyone else’s, you were sure it was because love radiated through out her entire body.

“I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry for being so nasty to you, Y/N. You know me..” She was choking on her tears and you rubbed her back, silently forgiving her. As you two hugged, the kids ran into the kitchen and Jongmi went straight to her father. Watching them as he lifted her up in the air and seeing her face light up with childlike happiness made tears sit at the waterline in your eyes. Once you started to shake with this emotion that could only be described as a mix of many, Mrs. Kim hugged you tighter. Your tears kept falling when you felt little arms wrap around your leg. You knew it was Jongmin, always your comfort when you cried, always drying your tears with his tiny palms. You parted from Mrs. Kim and scooped him up.

“Mommy, why are you sad?” He cupped your face and wiped away the streams that stained your face. You shook your head and kissed his hand which left some of your salty tears on your lips.

“I’m not sad, Minnie. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” You thought he wouldn’t understand the concept of being so overwhelmed with emotions that you cry but his face said that he did. His own eyes welled up and he wept with you. Jongin came to you, smiling Jongmi still in his arms, and kissed the top of his son’s head.

“Come here, baby bear.” Without any hesitation, which you would have otherwise expected, he moved from you and settled himself into his dad’s free arm.

After the tears and onslaught of “I missed you”, you all settled down for dinner. There was a lit of catching up between everyone, even the kids. Jongmin wasn’t usually a talker unless he was happy, and he rambled on about the random things he loved. In his excitement, almost no one knew what he was saying but everyone looked at him with such adoration in their gaze. Jongmi talked about school and some cool things her science teacher taught her about crystals. You just listened to them speak on and on but when you looked up and saw Jongin’s radiant smile, you tuned everything out. Everything stopped. You really did love him so much more then anyone could understand. And to have him back in your life, just like this, was everything beyond magical.

After puting the kids to bed and giving Mrs. Kim, who insisted that you still call her “Mom”, her good night hug, you and Jongin were left to wash the dishes. You pulled out your phone and turned on some music. You made sure it was low because the house had thin walls and a lot of open space. You ran the water, making it nearly scolding hot and you added a generous amount of dish soap. You added the dirty plates and bowls to the water and let them soak for a few seconds before washing, rinsing and handing them to Jongin to dry them. A song that you listened to a lot in the past years came on. While it would have made you sad any other time while listening, it was a lot less upsetting while you were still in your height of happiness. You swayed back and forth to the song as your hands sunk wrist deep into the hot water.

“I see you still got those moves.” You smiled and nudged him with your elbow. He let out a deep chuckle while he reached for your hand and pulled it out of the water. You looked up at him but his action called you to look down. He took the towel he was drying the dishes with and wiped down your hands, freeing them from water and bubbles. His right hand clasped around your left one and he pulled you closer. Your heart was beating fast, it’s tempo completely different from the slow song that was playing. Without a que, he started to sway with you. Naturally, your body followed the motions and you mimicked his movements. He looked into your eyes with a light smile on his face. He didn’t say anything but his eyes were an open book and they told you that was was going to do something you were willing to welcome. His face got closer to yours and his eyes were trained on your lips. You closed the distance between you two and softly pressed your lips onto his, giving him a gentle kiss that represented your fresh start together. You pulled away from him, reluctantly so.

“I...” you hesitate, “think I’m all healed.” You spoke as you pressed your forehead on his and kept your eyes squeezed shut.

“If you are, then I am too.”

[tiddytarot]

Hiiii.. So I have this friend that I’ve made online and we’ve known each other since December last year. Anyway, I was just wondering if you could see what his thoughts are about me? My initials are A.L and his first initial is J (or T if we’re going by a name he doesn’t use) but I’m unsure of his surname.. Thanks pal.

I pulled 3 cards for you; 2 of chalices, the stars reversed, and queen of chalices reversed.

“The Two of Cups shows the beauty and power that is created when two become one. The card reflects balance, mutual respect and harmony in relations with one another. There is no ‘I’, just ‘we’, and both parties are focused on a mutually beneficial outcome or win-win situation.The Two of Cups typically points towards a relationship that is based on mutual attraction and romantic inclinations. It reflects the clear, nurturing, supportive and heartfelt exchange of emotions that is the gift of a romantic relationship. The Two of Cups represents love that is nurturing, creative, clearly focused, inspirational and equally fulfilling. In a reading, this is often a beautiful start to a new romance in which you will experience understanding, harmony and deep love between two souls. The seed has blossomed into a tree of appreciation. Kindness and thoughtfulness will bind your two hearts together with the feeling of being simultaneously very special to one another.In some cases, the Two of Cups can refer to marriage, proposals and engagements, particularly as this card portrays what looks like a wedding or hand-fasting. It is a reflection of commitment between two individuals, to say that they will go through life together, always considerate of each other’s needs and wishes.Outside of love, the Two of Cups reflects a partnership of sorts, be it a business partnership, friendship or even a relationship between a person and their pet.On first glance, the Two of Cups shares a similar message to the Lovers. However, the energy of the Two of Cups is slightly weaker than the Lovers card. Whereas the Lovers is the reunion of two complete beings, the Two of Cups is a less mature union that, stable as it may seem, does have the potential to come undone over a longer period of time. So, while the union is strong now, it is not clear whether the relationship shown by the Two of Cups can stand the test of time. Only the two people involved can decide that.Despite the focus on the two beings shown on this card, the Two of Cups also points to what is happening within the individual. To be truly loved, deeply treasured and valued highly by others, you must first and foremost strive to create those feelings for yourself. That is, when you work toward loving yourself, you hold your inner spirit in high regard, treating it with deference and deep respect. When you see yourself in this positive light, other people cannot help but respond to your personal sense of value in an equally positive manner.”

When the Star is reversed, it suggests that your spiritual mission is distorted. Instead of hope, you are feeling despair or discouragement. Instead of being filled with positive possibilities, you find yourself dwelling on negative issues. Negative thoughts will wear away at you to the point where you may give up control of the situation and concede defeat. To remedy this, the reversed Star suggests you identify what is making you feel discouraged or overwhelmed and work on moving past these issues. They can take on an importance far greater than they deserve and can hold you back.

In a Tarot reading, the reversed Star card also indicates that you are beginning to feel disengaged and uninspired with life or components of your life (for example, work, hobbies, relationships, personal projects, etc.). Perhaps you started out with great vision and enthusiasm but you are now finding yourself overwhelmed by day-to-day routines that are boring and dreary. You may find life a chore now, when it used to be such a pleasant experience. This Tarot card is particularly relevant for career readings, when you are feeling that you are no longer connected to the work you do and you feel that you need to move on or make a significant change to your career.

The Star reversed may reflect a loss of faith in a particular situation, resulting in you waiting for a sign or a ‘calling’ to proceed further. You may need reassurance that you are still on the right path, particularly if you have been experiencing setbacks or challenges along the journey. Remember the advice of the Tower, which is to see these setbacks as opportunities to change and grow. Know that even if you are feeling uncertain or fatalistic about whether you will ever achieve your goal, this is just a momentary setback and you will soon see that it was an important part of your journey forward. Oftentimes, the reversed Star card is more about a test of faith than it is an indication of a negative outcome. Sometimes you need to go through an incredibly trying time in order to come to a point of personal transformation and awakening. You need to keep believing in the Universe and know that it will do what is best for all. This is a test of your faith and you will no doubt come out of this a stronger person.

The Queen of Cups reversed suggests that you may be feeling out of touch with your emotions or that you are forced to restrict how you are really feeling deep inside. You may be struggling to express yourself effectively, instead bottling up your feelings internally. If you do not address these emotional issues, they will eventually reach boiling point. Your stress levels may increase and your ability to cope with everyday issues could suffer.

The Queen of Cups reversed suggests some dissatisfaction or feeling of disconnection from your spirituality that has arisen in your life. This may be as simple as a growing realisation that you need to find your path and get more involved on a meaningful level with others in your faith.

The reversed Queen of Cups may also suggest that you are allowing your imagination to run away with you. You mean well but unfortunately you cannot be relied on. You are letting your emotions take hold and you are not thinking clearly with your head. At its worst, the precious qualities of imagination and flowing fantasy might turn out to be weakness and thoughtlessness, turning in any direction that any wind may blow, getting lost in a dream world of unreal fantasies. You are becoming easily overwhelmed by emotion, and you are becoming moody, unstable, brooding, suspicious, and overly secretive.

The Queen of Cups reversed represents an overemotional wreck who can be driven to manipulative and vindictive behaviour. Your mood swings are making life difficult for others and you are emotionally draining on those around you. You tend to play the emotional heartstrings to your advantage. Within you, you may also harbor angst and self-loathing for your inability to do more with yourself and your talents.

In relationships, this card heralds a time when separating the emotions from any sense of sensibility may be difficult. Strong emotions may seem to take all parties on a roller coaster ride. Within projects, jobs, or workplaces, all members may feel their emotions are a little frayed from stress. With this in mind, the reversed Queen of Cups also warns against entering into any agreements with those who seem to play on your sense of guilt or pull on your emotional heartstrings, for they may not be what they seem.

The reversed Queen of Cups can indicate an over-reliance on other people’s emotional responses, which may result in a co-dependency type relationship. You may want to examine your current relationships. Is there co-dependency? Are you giving too much of yourself and not getting anything in return? This Queen nurtures for the sake of inducing dependency, and places undue importance on being in a relationship, no matter what its quality. There could also be a tendency towards having too many expectations from your partner.

A reversed Queen of Cups can also indicate the abuse of alcohol and substances, particularly if this abuse is driven by your emotional state (i.e. you drink more when you are feeling upset).

I decided to just copy-paste instead of summing up what the description says and linking the whole card bc I feel like it makes things easier for everyone lol. if you have any questions tho I'm happy to sum stuff up for you tho!!!!!!!

[or6it]

what do you love most about every member in bts? 💗💞💕💓💘💖💝

💛 seokjin: um what is there to not love about this man? i love calling him ‘God’s masterpiece’ because he’s just? an insanely beautiful person inside and out? i think the thing i love most about him is his humbleness throughout his time in bts. we all know jin has been working his ass off for years trying to improve in every way possible, while constantly feeling like he’s not good enough, and that he can never be as good as the other members. even though he feels like that he still remains so humble and grateful for where he is and whats hes doing. he really pours his heart n soul into what he does without wanting anything in return. and he loves all the other members more than anyone else in the world and he rly acts like they’re his family 😌  he’s always trying to put a smile on everyone’s face n make them laugh n thats just so sweet i love him

💛 yoongi: honestly yoongi is one of the most inspiring people i have come across. his passion for music is so amazing.. hes so hardworking and he loves his work and i seriously admire that. similarly to jin, i love how grounded and humble yoongi has stayed despite the immense amount of fame they’ve received. you can really tell just how thankful yoongi is whenever they win an award or achieve anything of importance because… you know how much effort and time he has put into bts and their music… and it must be so heart warming for him to have all that pay off. i love how he continued to follow his dream of making and producing music even through all the hardships.. and wow.. look at him now. also he’s just the biggest softy in the whole world i can believe some people don’t see that

💛  hoseok: wow mr jung hoseok…this man is just SO talented. he literally excels in every field its crazy? he’s so dedicated to his work and he seems to love every second of it and i think thats to admirable!!!! he’s obviously the Mood Maker of the group so he’s always trying his best to make everyone laugh n to bring the energy up and i think that he does an amazing job at it. Honestly he has the best stage presence.. he brings performances together and makes them 10000x better its so amazing. also… despite being the mood maker he’s also very sensitive and he’s not afraid to express his emotions and cry.. i love how comfortable he is with fans and that hes actually willing to show himself in quite a vulnerable state… what a guy

💛 namjoon: there is an endless list of things to love and adore about namjoon. i think what i love most about him is his ability to learn and grow.. he’s open minded and understanding and seems very passionate about educating himself. obviously he has made his fair share of mistakes in the past and continues to be labelled as That Problematic Idol.. but honestly u can see that he’s trying his best to learn from mistakes and move forward. he’s so kind hearted n full of love its so endearing :( u can really tell he’s a bit overwhelmed by their success.. and he’s so thankful to armys for bringing them to where they are.. hes just such a genuine person and an amazing leader whom we love

💛 jimin: park jimin is literally the sweetest angel to walk this earth? he has the biggest heart and it’s so full of love for everyone.. for bts.. for armys.. for his friends and family… like i cant imagine this man actually hating something? he seems to be the supportive member that everyone goes to when they’re dealing with something hard and thats so sweet.. that he has the ability to help and support the people that he loves through hard times so well.. truly he’s an angel? uh also he’s actually just one of the cutest people i have ever seen.. everything bout him is cute? his wholesome laugh.. his smile.. his little baby hands…idk hes just the cutest when i think bout jimin i just want to squish his cheeks n give him a nice big hug and make him laugh :( also he loves attention and validation which is just…libra antics and i love it.. he deserves the attention he gets 

💛 taehyung: tae is such a sweetheart. he cares about all the people in his life so much. he seems to admire the other members so much.. and he cares soooo deeply for his family its so beautiful.. despite everything he always remains himself and he’s not at all afraid to just have fun and act a bit silly… but still knows the time and place for it? and when to be serious? he just doesn’t seem to take his fame too seriously and tries his best to remain 100% himself. also his love for children and animals.. wow how ideal is he… the way he acts around really young fans or the children of fans.. is so sweet it makes my heart so warm 😌  the relationship dynamics between him and jimin is rly cute like theyre constantly supporting and looking out for eachother n it makes me rly happy

💛 jungkook: honestly i don’t even know where to start on jungkook… u know recently seeing him crying at the wings tour final made me think so much about how much this guy has been through? the fact that he gave up his childhood to follow his dream… how bangtan basically raised him through his teen years.. and still he’s turned out to be such a beautiful loving person. it kinda seems like it’s all unreal to him.. like he hasn’t quite come to terms with the fact he made it yet? even so he’s so humble.. also despite the fact he left home so early he didnt try to grow up too quick you know? he still has his very chilidish silly side .. even though hes a little shit sometimes and we all pretend to hate it.. i think its rly nice that his personality wasn’t drained out of him over the years, and he doesn’t try to act super mature. also his relationships with all the other members is so cute he obviously thinks of them like family and looks up to them so much? its so sweet

[plaidred]

IIH Awareness Month

Hello friends!

Every year I strive to share this, and I hope that for the sake of awareness that you'll take a moment to read this and to share it too.

As a quick disclaimer: by sharing this information I am not asking for help, opinions or pity. What I want is for you to know more about this rare disease. IIH is considered one of those orphan diseases where there are not enough people afflicted with it for drug companies to consider it profitable to research. (IIH is estimated to only affect about 1 in every 100,000). So we need to raise awareness - get people talking about it, and get doctors, researchers and other health care innovators to take notice.

September is Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH) awareness month. IIH is a rare condition that for reasons unknown (thus idiopathic) there is too much cerebral spinal fluid in the body (the liquid inside your head and spinal column that keeps your brain cushioned). As there is too much fluid pressure builds up in the cranium, and since there is no where for that pressure to go it creates a lot of havoc on the body.

Common symptoms include: headaches, nausea/vomiting, dizziness, lightheadedness and balance problems, visual disturbances, vision loss (partial, temporary, or permanent), tinnitus (ringing/pulsing in ears), pain in neck/back, memory difficulties, depression/anxiety, fatigue and exercise intolerance.

There is no cure for IIH!

For some severe cases surgery is the only option to save a person from the ongoing pain, or from vision loss. The most common surgery involves a shunt which drains the spinal fluid either in the head or spinal column to somewhere else in the body, usually the heart or abdomen. The surgery can be risky. Many people that get shunts often need several more revision surgeries throughout their lives to reset the shunt when it becomes blocked or due to other complications.

There are some clinical trials involving a less invasive placement of a stent in a vein in the head, but it doesn't seem like the practice is wide spread yet and requires some specific criteria to be considered an option.

Some doctors prescribe certain diuretic medications, but these meds are not meant to be taken for the long term and many people stop treatment with the medications because the side affects are too severe.

At this time there are several promising branches of research, one including the clinical trial with the stents. I also just read a medical journal last weekend about a study on a medication already approved for use on diabetes that may improve intracranial hypertension, but the study has so far only been done on animal test subjects.

I eagerly read new medical journals whenever they come out, and I am hopeful that someday someone will either find a medication that helps this condition without creating horrible side affects or someone finds a viable surgery option that minimizes the risks of brain surgery.

I am currently by choice untreated for my IIH. I don't want to start a risky chain of surgeries, and based on what I know of available medical treatments I do not want to try them. I don't want to damage the delicate balance I currently have. My IIH is stable, right now actually more stable than its ever been, and I don't want to change that unless there is a proven method to help it.

Though I was only officially diagnosed a few years ago I know now that I have had this condition for a long time, even as early as childhood. My symptoms were the worst in high school and college, and frankly I don't know how I survived, and how I managed to get the grades I did. One day as a teenager I started to count how many days in a row my headache would last. I never came to an end of that count. My pain does not respond to OTC pain killers or even prescription opioids. I don't remember what it's like to not have a headache, and I don't know who I would be without it. At my best my headache is a constant annoyance, at its worst my headache immobilizes me to the point where I cannot move or speak.

I frequently have various ringing or pulsing sounds in my ear (every night when I lay down to sleep I hear the sound of my heart beating in my ears). Every now and then it sounds like a tornado siren blaring in my head, which really catches me off guard!

I do have a small blind spot in one of my eyes, but it has been stable this past year so I'm not very worried about it right now. It's small enough that I don't even know its there, only specific tests can find it.

The worst thing for me, even more than the headache, is the dizziness and nausea. I often feel sea sick just sitting still. On really bad days I feel as though the floor is at a constant tilt, and if I close my eyes my brain can literally not tell which direction is up. I feel as though I am floating somewhere between gravity and space in a vortex of unreality. I have a hard time concentrating some days because I spend so much energy just trying to convince my body that the room is not actually moving.

While my headache condition is constant I have been able to identify some of the triggers that are sure to put me over in the "very bad day" category. These include anything that gets my heart rate up (exercise, climbing a hill, being in hot weather, stress), not getting enough or good enough quality sleep, shifts in the barometric pressure (storms-a-coming) and not eating enough or drinking enough water.

I consider myself very fortunate. There are many other people with IIH that have it A LOT worse than I do. I count my blessings that I function enough to have a career, sometimes see friends on the weekend, and sometimes still have hobbies. So please do not pity me. I am living life as best I know how and to the fullest extent that I can.

If you want to know more about IIH and consider donating to its research please check out the IH Research Foundation: http://ihrfoundation.org/ . I'd also be happy to try to answer any questions you may have.

I also want to leave you with this little video. I didn't make it, but I find it's a good introduction. Warning, the video contains graphic pictures of surgery scars. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBX9gazAGxc&t=163s

Thank you for your time! If you have a moment please share this information. Get the word out there. Let's get a conversation going about this chronic condition, and lets keep looking for a cure! 😁

[balloonstand]

@afphrodites​ olivia: my birthday is in march and I like stuff that’s fun and has an actual logical ending

me: it’s october and there is no ending in this gloomy episode of introspection

HAPPY VERY BELATED BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST ONE ily so much that I’m branching out to a new pairing

Finn/Poe 3.5k 

The planet shivers beneath them. This had been in their mission briefing, the planet’s near-constant seismic activity, and Finn had been prepared something more dramatic than these little quivers, but this suits the odd, dark planet. It suits his odd, dark mood.

Poe is several long strides ahead of him, making much better time up the rocky hillside. His hand checks back on the blaster strapped to his leg with nearly every step. It makes Finn nervous. He is never sure how much danger he is in on these Resistance missions. He gets locations, dates, and objectives; nothing more. He thinks that Poe has information he does not. He doesn’t think he should ask him. He is out of breath from the climb and the question would huff out of his lungs on wispy, weak breaths.

He keeps his head down and counts his steps. It’s something he used to do before. He would count and count and count anything he could distract himself with. He has a thousand tricks to keep his mind occupied and active, but counting is his favorite. He lets himself play with it, makes his stride longer and shorter to make the steps come slower or quicker without falling too far behind Poe or catching up to him. It shouldn’t matter, but Poe set this distance between them and Finn is committed to maintaining it.

He is wrapped up in his numbers and his palm itches. It has been itching since he first held that lightsaber. No, it was before that. It has been itching since he fired on First Order pilots from Poe’s gunner seat. His palm itches like he needs to wrap his hand back around that lightsaber or that gun’s trigger. He needs to hold something. A weapon- his palm wants to feel the weight of a weapon, he thinks.

Poe keeps climbing and Finn keeps following. Poe leads them up, up like he’s trying to climb back into the sky. Finn’s legs are starting to burn and he counts his steps louder in his head. He is in the thousands now. His palm itches.

Fifty-odd more steps and then Poe disappears from his view between two huge boulders. Finn stutters. The planet is dark, the rocks are dark, the sky is far away – too far away to see more than a handful of its stars – and he is alone with his empty hand. The ground trembles for him. He forces himself to take a step (one, he starts over in his count), then another (two), and another (three) until he catches sight of Poe again. Poe looks back at him over his shoulder and Finn can see the curve of a smile in his lips and cheek. Finn smiles back reflexively. He isn’t sure if Poe sees it because he is already turning away, his hand checking for his blaster again.

Thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six.

“Here,” Poe says. Neither of them has said anything for hours, not since they began their climb, and Finn is startled to hear language from outside of his head. Poe seems taken aback by it as well; he has to try again. “We’re here.”

Finn looks around. They are nowhere. Poe is watching him with a sly smile on his face, like he is waiting for Finn to figure it out. Finn looks around. Black sky, black ground, black rock, black rock, black rock- cave. He looks from the cave to Poe, whose smile sweetens from sly to proud and Finn smiles back. The planet quakes gently beneath them.

“You weren’t kidding about the cave.”

“I wasn’t kidding about the cave.”

“A cave.”

“A cave.”

Finn laughs. Poe has been promising him a cave since Finn’s first Resistance mission. When Finn was recovering in the sickbay after- after Starkiller and before he was even able to open his eyes, Poe had told him every story General Organa had ever shared with him about the rebellion against the Empire. Finn had laid in that bed, his back roaring, and had focused on Poe’s words. He had grasped and clutched at them and used them as a rope to pull himself up out of the pain. He had no steps to count, nothing to count at all, so he immersed his being in Poe’s words.

Poe had been telling him about General Organa, Han Solo, and the jedi Luke Skywalker landing the Millennium Falcon in a cave that was not a cave at all but the mouth of an asteroid-dwelling creature when Finn had finally been able to open his eyes. After Poe had lurched forward and grabbed Finn’s hand, after he had lurched away just as abruptly and ran to fetch a medic, after Finn’s vitals had been taken and he had been helped into a seated posture, after he had heard his positive and optimistic prognosis- after all of that, Poe had sat back in his chair and smiled lazily and beatifically at Finn.

“It was the cave that woke you up, wasn’t it?”

The cave? Finn can only mouth the words.

“The story I was- You woke up because you liked the cave, huh?” Poe slouches in his chair and grins bigger. “If you really want to see a cave, I can make that happen. You’ll start flying missions with me as soon as you’re healed. I find a nice cave for you. Promise.” Finn had not been able follow Poe’s words very well, but he could tell from his tone of voice that he was making a joke. The corners of Finn’s mouth stretched up on their own and pulled his lips into a smile. Poe’s voice had gotten excited and Finn had drifted back into sleep.

Finn and Poe smile at each other now, and Finn wishes he understood their joke better. He feels like he is on the fringes of his own laughter every time. He is grasping it only with his fingertips and he wants to hold it securely in his hand.

But he takes what he gets and his laugh is genuine as it mingles with Poe’s in the mouth of the cave. The planet shivers under them and it’s a mirror of their laughter.

The laughter finishes and after a quiet breath, Poe tells him more: “We’ll stay here tonight. We can set up the beacon in the cave and then move it up the hill when we’re done.”

It doesn’t take them long. Poe does most of the setup, with Finn mostly handing him whatever he points at. It echoes that first time in the Millennium Falcon, with Rey under deck fixing the ship and Finn picking up everything in sight but never what she needed. It’s only an echo though; Finn is here in this cave with Poe and not- he doesn’t know where Rey is. He doesn’t think about it, in the same way that he forces himself to count his steps when his hand itches and his legs hurt and he can’t catch his breath, and Poe is three steps beyond his field of vision.

“Help me move this outside,” Poe says, wiping his hands on the legs of his orange pilot jumpsuit. His fingers brush along his blaster.

Between the two of them, they shuffle the beacon all the way to the cave mouth. It is cumbersome and unwieldy and Finn is sweating by the time Poe says, “Yeah, here is good.” Finn wipes his face and flops his weight against the beacon. He looks up at the sky and tries to catch his breath. His itchy right hand curls around one of the rods on the beacon. It’s not quite right. It’s not what he really wants to hold.

Poe’s head is tilting back on its axis. His dark hair brushes the back of his flight suit as he looks up at the sky. Finn watches Poe’s expression for a long moment before following his gaze up. He wants to see something in the sky to make him feel that craving that is writ large all across Poe’s face, but he doesn’t see anything particular among the stars. He looks back at Poe, then down at his feet.

When is his hand going to stop itching? Maybe if he can hold Poe’s blaster he will feel better. More whole, maybe. He almost reaches out right then to take it from Poe’s holster, but Poe points up to the sky.

“We’re up there. I wanted to show you this. We’re up there.”

“Up there? What do you mean?”

“See that star?” Poe leans in and Finn tries to follow his eyes and his pointing finger to the correct star. “That’s the sun that Starkiller destroyed. We’re far enough away to still see the light from it as a star.”

Finn rocks back on his heels. The battle on Starkiller, the sky ever darkening, the snow- these images rush through his mind and Poe is right, he really is up there. If they could see the that ice planet, he would be able to see himself scurrying over its skin, looking for Rey. He would be able to see Poe soaring over his head, guns ablaze. They’re really up there.

He is about to say something – he doesn’t know what, but his mouth is opening and he can feel words crowding in his throat – when the star flickers and begins to dim.

The night slants into a dreamlike, unreal quality. The star is beginning to dim, Finn thinks distantly, because the First Order’s weapon is draining it, guzzling its energy. He is watching it die again. “Oh,” Poe says quietly, “we really are up there.”

The star dims more and Finn-Up-There is picking up the lightsaber. Finn-Down-Here clenches that hand around nothing. He needs to hold something- something in particular. He needs it and his hand won’t be right until he does.

The star dims more and Poe takes a step closer. “We’re really up there,” he repeats slowly, like he is tasting his words before he says them. He is coming closer.

“Yeah,” Finn says. His mind bends around the concept, but it cannot encompass it. He is up there; he is down here. The star is dead; it is still dying. Poe is close enough that their shoulders bump and Finn’s hand itches, itches, itches. He doesn’t even know what their mission here is. He wasn’t really a part of their mission up there either.

The star is a faint pinpoint of light now and Finn suddenly wants to stop watching. He doesn’t want to see it shrivel any smaller. He can’t watch it any longer. He turns away, goes back into the cave. He’s not up there, he is only down here.

He still sees Starkiller in his mind’s darker corners. It lives in his head and sometimes it makes itself too large to ignore. It takes him back to laying face-down in the snow with his back searing. Unable to move or speak or even think, and eventually slipping into darkness. He doesn’t want to be there.

He scratches his palm.

“Finn.”

He turns around and Poe’s expression is impossible to read in the darkness.

“I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know we’d see it- fade like that.”

Finn shakes his head. “I see it all the time anyway. Don’t you?”

Poe’s silhouette nods. “Guess so.”

He pauses and the darkness becomes paired with silence and stillness and Finn has to bump his shoulder against the cave wall to remind himself that he’s there.

“I have plenty of things I think about all the time,” Poe says eventually. He comes into the cave and sits near Finn. Finn can feel the pressing darkness like a heavy coat, and the silence stretches. There is nothing to say now, but words are clawing at his lungs. Are they asking to be spoken? Finn thinks that if he opens his mouth nothing would come out. There is nothing to say. They were both there, but now they are both here. Reality remains reality, no matter what was up in the sky just a minute ago.

They eat because they have to eat. It’s part of what must happen on a mission, so they do it. They were given rations and therefore they must eat rations.

They eat. Finn usually enjoys watching Poe odd and habitual demolition of his meal. It must be from a thousand identical consumptions of a thousand identical meals on a thousand identical missions for the Resistance. Finn, with a messy twelve missions under his cap, picks his unorganized way through his meal, unregimented and unfamiliar and unhabituated.

Yeah, Finn usually likes to watch Poe go through his meal routine. He likes that he can predict every bite that Poe will take, and in which order. It makes him feel like he knows him. One time, only a couple of missions ago, he had mirrored every bite and he and Poe had eaten in sync. He had thought it would be funny. Poe hadn’t even noticed and Finn had felt oddly lonely in his imitation.

It was not the only time he had tried to do exactly as Poe did. He had taken his jacket, his droid, his mission. He had known exactly what he was doing. Later, he had mimicked his walk when he first got out of that hospital bed and could not quite remember his own. He had relearned how to hold his blaster by watching Poe because he did not want to hold a weapon like a stormtrooper would. He had wanted to be a true member of the Resistance and Poe- Poe, he was the Resistance. And the Resistance must eat and must do missions and must be able to see Starkiller drain the life from a sun as many times as it encounters it. Finn does what Poe does.

His hand itches.

He feels trapped. On this planet, and by the darkness and instability of it. In this cave, on a joke he doesn’t fully grasp. By this mission, in a Resistance he knows almost nothing about. By his damn hand, with a longing he can’t even name, let alone understand. No, this is not abrupt. This feeling has been building in his chest since he stood alone looking at the wreck of the TIE Fighter he and Poe had taken from the First Order. He had been trapping himself in the unknown ever since. He would never have guessed that the vast unknown could feel so confining. He is trying to toe its line in the darkness, aware that a single small deviation could send him tumbling back into the known- the life he had never wanted. The unknown is tenuously fragile.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Poe says. He’s packing away their plates and utensils. Finn had missed their meal buried in his thoughts about the meal. He can tell Poe is smiling, even without looking over at him. It’s there in his voice. Finn can practically feel it in the air between them.

“What am I thinking, Poe?”

“Finn, you’re thinking about the Resistance, of course.”

“Of course.”

“Of course! We’re all thinking about the Resistance. We wake up for the Resistance, we eat for the Resistance. We lay down our heads at the end of the day to dream about the Resistance. We,” he says grandly, “are all the Resistance.”

“Just you.”

“Me?”

“You’re the Resistance.”

Poe had been laughing and gesturing along with his well-worn loyal testimony. But he quiets. He stills. His posture is stiff and contained. Finn feels his own smile drop off his face. He is unsure what he said wrong.

“You think that?” Poe’s voice is very soft. Finn can still feel that he is tensed, ready to spring at an unknown trigger.

Finn sets his chin. “I said it.”

“You think that?”

“I think it all the time.”

And Poe’s tension unravels. A ribbon slipping off of a package. Slowly, and then it’s gone. He sags. This is not relief, Finn realizes. It is something else- something sadder. Finn’s hand itches.

“I’m a pilot,” Poe says.

“You’re the first member of the Resistance I met.”

“We stole that TIE Fighter together. I flew it, you shot.”

“You blew up Starkiller.”

“Who told you that?”

“You did.”

“Finn.”

Finn pauses to let him finish. But Poe doesn’t finish. He lets Finn’s name – it was Poe’s choice for his name, Finn thinks just like he always does when Poe says Finn – he lets it hang in the darkness. Finn thinks about the star flickering in the sky. Poe is up there right now, destroying that parasite of a planet.

“You did,” Finn says finally.

“We all did.”

“All right. But you did.”

Poe looks at him. Finn looks back. They can’t read each other’s faces in the darkness but they look deeply anyway.

“Finn,” Poe says again and his voice is smaller than before. “That was my fourth mission. Jakku was my second. It was only my second and I got captured.” Poe clears his throat, and when he speaks his voice is a little rough. “You rescued me, you know.”

Finn scrubs his hand against the rocky ground, trying to scratch that itch. He needs to grasp something, to fill his hand with something solid. He needs to fill himself up with something heavy. Sandbag his soul to keep himself grounded- present. His mind wants to float and wander in the dark. It wants to slide to his right, slide over to Poe. He needs to shakes that instinct out of his system. He needs his hand to stop itching. He curls it into a fist, but that feels somehow emptier.

It is too empty, Finn decides. He can’t stand it. His right hand is drawn to cover Poe’s blaster. It is in its holster strapped to his leg and Finn twists his wrist so he can place his palm fully over it without drawing it out of the holster.

Poe doesn’t move his leg away, but his voice is urgent. “Finn-“

“Just let me.” Finn is embarrassed to hear a crack in his voice that frays the edges of his words.

“Finn.”

“I’m all right. My hand just-“ He cuts himself off. It sounds too strange to say aloud.

Poe licks his lips. “Itches.”

The planet stops shaking for a moment- or maybe Finn only imagines it does. He’s already looking at Poe, picking pieces of his expression out of the dark. He tries to look closer, to look into him.

“Yeah,” Finn says slowly. “It itches.” He wants to ask so very badly and the fact that he wants to know so much makes him feel that he shouldn’t ask. How do you know? Does yours? He doesn’t ask.

Poe puts his hand over Finn’s, pressing it more securely against the blaster. His fingers fill the spaces between Finn’s, his palm is warm and solid.

“Is that better?”

Finn nods.

Poe takes a deep breath and Finn thinks he’s going to speak, but he just slips his hand under Finn’s and holds wraps their fingers together. “Is that better?” It’s a whisper.

Finn nods, his heart pounding.

“You’re the Resistance too, you know that right?” Poe whispers. “I recognized you the moment you took off your helmet. I saw it in your eyes, Finn. I knew who you were.”

Their hands should melt into one, Finn thinks distantly from his daze. This is how it should always be.

“I’m the Resistance,” Finn says.

“You’re the Resistance.”

“We’re the Resistance.”

“We’re-“

They’re laughing and there’s no room in their mouths for words with all that joyful laughter. Finn can’t say what exactly is funny, but he knows that he knows as much as Poe does about it. They created it together.

It’s so natural to rearrange their bodies so that their faces are turned towards each other. The pose of their first meeting, the smiles of their first moment of recognition.

It’s so natural for Finn to hold Poe’s face between his hands, to rub the pads of his thumbs along Poe’s cheekbones.

When their lips meet, it is with months of crushing anticipation crashing together- anticipation that Finn hadn’t even known had been bubbling between them until he felt the hot pressure in his chest, unable to wait even the microsecond between that realization and the moment that his lips touched Poe’s for the very first time. Their lips melt together like their hands did and Finn is falling into Poe, into love, into their future. This is who he is. It is who he can be, who he will be.

Poe, Poe, Poe, beats in his heart and he can hear his own name beating in Poe’s in a returning refrain.