#Winter Relief Program

[narayansevango]

Winter warm sweater and blanket donation by Narayan Seva Sansthan

[zaynes-nieve]

Zayne Confirmed Lore

Anything confirmed by the developers, including any accounts or information within the game! (I will update you as the game continues, and I appreciate any info I can get from you all as well!!!!)

Tender Moments | Memoria | Bond | Devs/Offical/Messages/Calls | Main Story | Annecdotes

Basic Info:

Zayne's Birthday is September 5th | About Him

Other Names: Rei (JP), Lee See-Oen (KR) and Li Shen (CN)

Zayne's Constellation sign is a Virgo (like me)| About Him

Zayne is 6'1 | About Him

Zayne's age is 27 | About Him

Zayne is the Chief Cardiac Surgeon at Akso Hospital | About Him

Zayne's evol is Ice | About Him

Daily Life and a good chunk of the lore

Zayne is a workaholic, and he likes it | Gentle Twilight/About Him

He is good at snowboarding! | Everlasting Snowdrop/About Him

He knows how to peel an apple in one go | Spring Remnants/About Him

He is good at drawing (those anatomical diagrams, ftw!!!) | Suprise Encounter/About Him

He has a sweet tooth (like me) | Nostalgic Sweetness/About Him

He gets toothaches (unlike me) | Nostalgic Sweetness/About Him

He is a terrible patient (Strict against others, indulgent to his own whims) | Nostalgic Sweetness/About Him

Zayne is a teetotaler (a person who never drinks alcohol) | Drunken Intimacy/About Him

He is good at pool but is a strict teacher | Exclusive Tutorial/About Him

His Parents are also Doctors and work with Doctors without Borders overseas | Eternal Attachment/About Him

He sends them a message on his birthday each year, telling them he is just fine! | Eternal Attachment/About Him

Zayne has a hard time controlling his Evol | Main Story 4-10/Never Ending Winter ch.4

Starcatcher Awardee (2046) | Main Story 4-5

Linde Award Winner (Year 2046) | Main Story 4-5 / Never Ending Winter ch.10? Last chapter mention

His patients all are obedient (terrified) of him | A Pure White Heart ch. 3

Dr. Zayne and Dawnbreaker see each other in their dreams | (Never Ending Winter Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.4)

He has a pet squirrel named after the medication, Clopidogrel! | Feed the Squirrel/Message

It appears Zayne also frequently volunteers to assist in medical relief for disasters or joins the medical teams assisting hunters fighting wanders in high-frequency zones | Dawn's Shadows, Foreign Aid/Video Call, Hidden Motive, Medical Rescue

He is quick to forgo his well-being to save others in dangerous situations. He truly puts his own duty as a doctor above everything else.| Medical Rescue, Neon Night

He is surprisingly (not to any of us but to MC ig) a novice to the art of sleeping in. | Fluffy Treatment/About Him

When he is sick he dodges the cold medicine for Hot Cocoa. | Engraved Affection/About Him

Zayne used to secretly tag along to get Milk Tea with the Akso Hospital Staff | Everlasting Wish/About Him

His Past:

Zayne was one smart cookie and skipped several years! But because he was so young and his classmates were not. He had a hard time making friends | Delicacy/About Him

When he was in medical school, he visited a barbeque stall a lot | Delicacy/About Him

He has a good tolerance for pain😭and he gets injured a lot, leaving many scars | Medical Rescue/About Him

Dr. Zayne was in the 35th Cohort of the Skyhaven Medical School in a PhD Program | Never Ending Winter ch.1

He was an intern under Dr. William (took him under his wing) | Never Ending Winter ch.1

It's implied he had to kill William after those black crystals seemed to be turning Dr.William into a Wanderer (Do we consider this confirmed enough?) | Never Ending Winter ch. 6

He Plays Tennis (and won a prize!) | Tennis Game/Messages

Due to the time travel shenanigans and our boy being the best at everything, Zayne is now an expert Jade carver! | Moonlit Dream

He briefly studied keyboards as a child. But quit after a month. | Heartstring Notes

All he knows how to play is Little Lamb | Heartstring Notes

When he worked at the hospital during New Years, the Akso Hospital Staff celebrated the holidays together | Cherished Longing/About Him

Zayne has a brother....it's a Monkey | Cherished Longing

His Likes:

He really hates carrots!!! | A Frozen Promise/About Him

He visits medical museums to relax, or he will go look out at the river | Heart Within Reach/About Him

Our Story 💙❄️☃️

He gave us a little snow seal when we were children (we thought it was a snowball) | A Frozen Promise/About Him

After seeing our name on the volunteer list for the Frontlines, he follows us. Hidden Motive/Insta Acc.

He is our Primary Doctor!!! (we're not gonna talk about the ethics of this LMFAO) | Main Story 1-8/About Him

Zayne said he melted an "old" popsicle (our popsicles at this time) for us when we were kids | Nostalgic Sweetness/About Him

Our Grandmother left us a letter with Zayne, and he seems to know more than he is letting on | Main Story 4-7

We voted for him in the Patient's Favorite Doctor poll on Asko's official account (He also won) | A Vote/Message

HE USES US AS HIS WALLPAPER | Screen Saver/Message

Zayne is not above bribery (whether it is us or his patients) | I Miss You/Message

We gave daffodils to Zayne! (they're garlic) | Gardening/Message

World Underneath

Longly Flame

Williams Girlfriend was named Sienna

She gives Zayne, Williams Martyr Badge.

(See the Everlasting Anecdote for more info on William)

They call Zayne the 35th academic god XD. They pray to him before exams lmfao

Zayne and Dr. Noah are apart of an experiment along with Carter regarding proctores and hearts. It starts growing black crystals

Zayne deletes all of his research

In General this just introduces that Dr. Noah had three protégés; Zayne, Carter and William

Snowy Stairs

Carter didn't get his doctorate degree (what a scum bag)

Carter is stalking Zayne.

He also seems to be playing and is obsessed with life and death

Cabin 607 is a patient, Carter is attempting to use to get Zayne to join him in his efforts at Xander Sciences

His name is Felix, 45 and a teacher

Carter tried to hack Zayne with a Trojan horse. This man is obsessed oml

Carter is now attempting to use MC to get to Zayne and possibly use MC for the X-Heart Experiment

No Morning (The Greyson Anecdote)

Zayne is the type to micromanage

This occurs after Im assuming after MC and Zayne’s trip to Mt. Eternal due to context clues but this may be wrong

Greyson has a crush on a Hunter

Zayne and MC are considered close by the Akso staff

Snowball Flower on Zayne's desk though it looks a little sick according to Greyson

Called a Snow Velvet

Rescue Operation, both Greyson, Zayne attend for 2 days and 2 nights

Awww Greyson got himself a little Hunter girlfriend

CPR and the 6 minutes if they're heart stops. To not give up cause that is when a person is declared dead and can't be resuscitated. (I think Greyson was telling Zayne this but I originally thought it was Zayne telling Greyson)

Overall it really is just getting into how scary being a hunter is from a non hunter perspective. Especially since it's from a surgeon who is like Zayne.

We also learn more about some of the medical conditions that occur with Hunters and protocore symptoms

And once again the mention of the Grim Reaper and again the mention of dark ICE crystals with the dying snow velvet .

MYTH STORIES

Foreseer

Master of Fate

Dawnbreaker

Anything talked about in this section is written as if you have already had the knowledge before hand.

Never Ending Winter: Zayne Anecdote #2

First mention of Dawnbreaker and also where we get the info of Zayne's Nightmare into Dawnbreaker's world.

Zayne mentions the nightmares again and talks about how his current reality is more bloody than his nightmares (Dawn Breaker World)

We get Dr.Zayne's perspective as he is "in that world of ice and snow" Zayne attacks himself from his perspective with dark crystals (which we know from The third ancedote is the color of Dawnbreaker's ice

Dr.Zayne refers to this black coated version of him as the Grim Reaper.

Zayne almost accidentally killed someone important to him when he was 12. He was 12 when he first started getting dreams of Dawnbreaker

Crystals begin to grow off of William (though, they mention the color of said crystals being black, they dont mention if they're ice)

Future edit: 1/25/25: Infold has made it very clear recently between the difference between the dark ice of Dawnbreaker and the black crystals that seems to involve humans turning into wanderers. Zayne now in the most recent main story with Caleb has made it clear that the crystals on Kevi was the ones that were on William!!!

The people Dawnbreaker killed appear in front of him after he kills William

Still in the Dark: Zayne Anecdote #3

Georgie's first description of Dawnbreaker Zayne is that of a Grim Reaper (hence the connection to all mentions of him in Never Ending Winter)

Georige is a young boy who hires Zayne to help him find the person who killed his mom

Dawnbreaker is the in canon title for the serial killer who leaves no bodys only dark blue crystals

There is footage of Dawnbreaker killing these people, so it isn't speculation

Detective Ivan, the police working on the Dawnbreaker case, gives distrubing insight into the situation, giving his point of view that the people who Dawnbreaker is killing leave behind shards like Wanderer protocores

When he catches Dawnbreaker in the act, he finds the victim with tentacles and attacking Dawnbreaker.

Georgie's mother was a worker at an ungergound protocore factory

Zayne, after running out of chocolate, takes some from Georgie, and so begins the Georige & Zayne duo.

DB!Zayne watches Old Doctor Television Shows

He also only lives off of Nutrient Solutions

DB! Zayne also has a Jasmine Plant

He also oftens visits a decayed plaza with a jasmine field

In their universe, Linkon City is a city from a distant past.

DB!Zayne confirms that he also dreams and that it is of our Linkon City

Chapter 4 is where we get the most intermigle between Zayne & DB! Zayne.

Zayne dreams of MC and the snacks we share with Zayne in particular a popsicle which could be a reference to the bond story Nostalgic Sweetness

He dreams of being a suregon. He started getting these dreams also at the age twelve

He knew at 12 that MC and Zayne would meet at 27

Dawnbreaker lives vicariously though these dreams and the remnants of Linkon he can find in his world.

Zayne calls the Humans who leave behind Protocore fragments "Abominations"

He plays some recording about Zhuangzi and the Butterfly essentially not knowing if he was the dream or if they are. (Butterfly dreaming of being Zhuangzi or Zhuangzi dreaming of being a Butterfly) Dr.Zayne and Dawnbreaker to a T.

Georgie dreams of being a monster (Foreshadowing yall). Zayne notices a bump under Georgies eyes 😭

Georgie, on the day he turns 12, begins to show more obvious symptoms of being an Abomination

IK this has been more of a recount, but we got little to work with Dawn Breaker lore yall

Dawn Breakers first kill was when he was 12, after he killed his adopted father, who became an Abomination

It is also here that we learn that if not killed, these beings turn into Wanderers.

Zayne is the one who murdered Georgie's mother

We find out that Georgie's mother requested that Zayne kills her half a month before she turned.

Her Coworkers having turned into Wanderers (She believes it was due to their long exposure to the protocores)

Zayne kills Georgie after he becomes an Abomination

Detective Ivan gives us the run down that the government and those in power are hiding the fact that some of those wanderers were once human. He also intends to stop and destory the investigation against Dawnbreaker, likely so Zayne can continue doing his job.

Eternal Attachment

Zayne's Birthday Card!!!! What is it doing in the Dawnbreaker section people ask as I slowly sink into despair about the implications of it

So! I conveniently didn't mention something in a previous section, Still In The Dark

Why are you telling me this you ask having after reading walls of text or just looking at this section first. Well because of this dialogue RIGHT HERE:

A familiar melody drifts through the darkness.

It’s “Happy Birthday”?

“Happy Birthday, Dr. Zayne!”

The girl’s clear voice rings out, her smile warm like the morning sun.

Is he dreaming again?

“From now on, I’ll always be by your side for your birthday.”

The girl’s sincere yet slightly shy expression makes him unable to resist the urge to caress her cheek.

He lowers his head and discovers they’re holding hands. He reaches out, but right before touching the girl’s cheek, she's suddenly looks shocked.

“You… aren’t Dr. Zayne. Who are you?”

Zayne abruptly wakes up. A gray wall stares back at him. The alarm resounds, and the holographic screen starts flickering red again.

Zayne takes a deep breath. What did that dream mean?

How did the girl see him? It’s as if she saw through time and space, through his dreams, to realize he’s not the doctor.

NOW LETS GO LOOK AT THE BIRTHDAY ETERNAL ATTACHMENT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

Y'all I'm physically sickkkk. It was very mean of INFOLD to do us like this and then hit us with the Special Investigations.

But in all seriousness I think there was a similar situation in a 4 Star memory but I can't find it so maybe I've gone crazy. But it is connecting and preparing/setting the scene for the Special Investigation: Thorns Under The Moon

Special Investigation: Thorns Under The Moon

Dr. Zayne, our Zayne and DB Zayne or DB is Dawnbreaker

This first main story lore that connects our Zayne with Dawnbreaker. Everything else has come from the anecdotes or something extremely similar

Prologue

It's been two months since the N109 Zone

Once again modified protocores & Aether cores are making amouck

Specifically the type of Wanderer with a Beta Protocurve can distort time and space. That new aether cores may appear where these Wanderers do

We start off in Zayne's POV it refers to us as "The Girl" which makes me believe based off last experiences that this is Dawnbreaker

Black Crystals (Like we have seen regarding wanderers) spring out of the walls and move towards us.

It mentions a time distort which reminds me of those Wanderers mentioned earlier.

It then cuts to our Zayne. He had been sleeping. At the Asko Rehabilitation Center in a Sleeping Pod. He had a nightmare.

Zayne has been having nightmares since his visit to Mt. Eternal.

It's been two months and he hasn't been able to sleep at all.

He doesn't tell us what happened in the Artic only that he is having a rerecurring nightmare

MC mentions that Zayne has a business trip next week and that she is concerned for his health

Zayne tries to say something about how even if he collapses they're other doctors but MC isn't hearing it calling him "My Doctor" 💙

Dr. Zayne tells us he will be careful and stay alive

We tell him our concerns about who we think the fragment we gave him after the N109 zone is the cause of his nightmares.

He tries to tell us it's a coincidence but I'm not so sure about that. Zayne has had these nightmares since he was 12 yes but they're has been no indication they occur so often until now. I think the protocore fragment is doing something.

We also learn, relearn? That Zayne is studying the fragment and it's possible relation with Protocore Syndrome.

We learn about the Wanderer and the Protocore we are hunting

It moves through distorting space. Anywhere it appears those with Protocore Syndrome fall into comas and some even shock

The location is Chansia City. Which we then find out is where Zayne is going for his business trip!!!

We ask to join the medical team and it's Approved.

As we leave the building to meet Zayne, someone gets in our way. (It's Carter 🤢)

He tries to invite us to dinner which fucking EW. (If it was clear at this point that while I keep the lore/plot accurate I'm not afraid to put my own opinion on these. Now it is)

Zayne comes out and saves us and we get to see the Carter and Zayne beef live

Carter tried to invite all three of us to dinner but MC swiftly declines saying that the association forbids its hunters from accepting dinner for work related purposes (idk if that's true or not)

Carter is trying very hard to give us these flowers (I'm like 98% sure he did shit to them) but Zayne snatches them before we can decline and THEN GIVES THEM BACK TO CARTER(My God I love this man)

This line is EVERYTHING oml

"They're much appreciated. Unfortunately there's no room for them in MY car" omlllll

Carter apparently came to give us a warning about being careful when we are traveling which is SO fucking weird. How did he know we were traveling YALL.

Once we are in the car we try and get more information on Carter and Xander Sciences from Zayne

It flashes back to one of Zayne's earlier chapters regarding that rich person with Rafayel's art that sucked people into it. How Xander Sciences has been trying to get Zayne to join them

Zayne tells us that the only thing they have in common is that they studied under the same professor. (Which we already know because of World Underneath but again!!!! This is really connecting all of the outside Anecdotes and various other stories to the Main one!)

We get to call Carter crazy which is fun for me personally (Its also how we find out he is trying to poach us from Zayne to be Carter's patient. Ewwwwwwww)

Zayne also gets to call him crazy 🤣

We get more information about why the medical team is going to Chansia from Greyson

A specific patient has a weird crystal growth in his heart that is different from the normal patients. (Beta Protocurve anyone?) When this patient was admitted to the hospital he caused a Metaflux burst.

We keep trying to surprise Zayne on these trips and it never works XD. He signed all our paperwork so he knew we were coming

Dr Zayne in a surgery clothes!!!

The Wanderer we are chasing closely resembles Myst ( a type of Wanderer) the proctores don't match up however.

The proctore that is pulled from the patient is like the ones we gave Zayne from the monsters in the N109 Zone.

Then out of nowhere a Metaflux occurs

We try and get Zayne and the other doctors to leave the ER but Zayne refuses trying to keep the patient alive

Zayne asks us to use our evol to suprees the Metaflux (Something I didn't even know our Evol could do but also like ofc I will cause he asked me to 🤣)

We do manage to suppress the Metaflux using our Evol and give Zayne enough time

Zayne pulls us off to the side to do a quick Evol examination

Zayne calls us out for not being entirely honest about why we were here. Which fair. But I'm pretty sure it's like classified so-

Zayne counters our point about how the Aether cores can't be causing the mutations due to one being perfectly integrated with our own Heart.

Zayne believes it's human made and I'm definitely inclined to believe him with all the shady shit Ever and Xander Sciences has done.

Somehow the patient is already awake which is genuinely terrifying cause WTF did they do to this dude?

FUCKING CARTER IS BACK AGAIN. THAT WORLD UNDERNEATH SECTION WAS RIGHT. HE IS SO STALKING ZAYNE WTF.

He says he wasn't following us but I don't fucking believe that shit

And this is when we find out that this dude is a Xander Sciences client. Which like. I've been acting like he was already, but this is the actual confirmation from Carter no less

He is trying to get us interested in whatever Frankenstein shit Xander Sciences is doing but both Mc and I could care LESS.

"It's okay, you'll be interested someday"

Omfg he gives me the ICK

He tells us that only Xander Sciences can tell us about what is happening with our heart.

Greyson comes out and tell us that Zayne wants us inside and Greyson also kicks Carter out!!!!

The patient says that "It" trapped him somewhere, a nightmare.

We show him the Wanderer we are hunting. It's the one that put him into the coma

It's a little vague but we ending up in its reality shifting thing.

(Alr outside of the canon, I'ma mention this before we continue. This part is rooted in vague mentions. We still as of now 2/2/25 haven't really gotten any more information about what exactly occurs. We know Dawnbreaker is apart of it but wheter we actually meet Dawnbreaker or Dr. Zayne as Dawnbreaker is something that was debated and still is. Im going to try and keep it to the facts as much as I can but just know that it's difficult to tell even to MC in game who we are talking to. So unless it states otherwise I will be referring to them as "Zayne")

MC deduces after a moment that we are in the Wanderer's protofield

We see "Zayne" and sharp ice crystals materialize around us to pierce our heart

We wake up to "Zayne" in Dawnbreaker's outfit mind you. Which I don't think in any story outside of Dawnbreaker's we ever see Zayne wear.

His figure apparently matches up with the dark figure we have seen before.

MC describes the place she is in and it's Dawnbreaker's apartment from Still in the Dark

Ex. In the fridge is only "weird packets" which we know to the nutritional drink that DB drinks and Chocolate.

MC starts speculating. She mentions how the patient was only trapped in their own dream

She is implying that this is "Zayne's"

"Zayne" mentions that he has dreamed off this place but that everything was better off than it is now.

"Zayne" confirms that this is the place where his nightmares have been occurring

MC mentions how "Every Detail" of this place is fleshed out. That "Zayne" must have seen these places alot to recreate it so clearly (This is what I mean about vague. It's implying that is only a dream of this world but it also keeps hinting that it may be an reality)

"Zayne" mentions that while it dies resemble his nightmares. It is definitely a protofield. We see a Protocore cluster

MC deduces that there is another cluster somewhere and that they need to destroy both at the same time to escape

"Zayne" and MC argue a little bit about who takes the cluster which is across the city.

MC ends up going after it

AFTER SHE IS GONE WERE BACK TO "ZAYNE'S" POV

It goes back to referring to MC as "The Girl"

He freezes the mist and black impurities are in the Ice, some of it still normal Ice. (Is this supposed to be a reference to the fact that DB ice crystals are Black?)

"Zayne" starts seeing people he has killed as Our Zayne or DB.

William • Never Ending Winter

Georgie & Possibly Georgie's Mom • Still In The Dark

A BLACK ice crystal is what shatters part of the Cluster

More lines

"It's Her. But she can't possibly be here"

(It could be a reference to the fact MC can't be here cause she is across the city or because she doesn't exist in DB world)

It's definitely an illusion though as he is imagining her with dark ice flowers growing out of her and her begging for him to Kill her.

He forms BLACK ICE CRYSTALS

A random voice "Zayne" doesn't recognize says

"You shouldn't throw yourself in danger just for her" "Seek your destiny. Only then can you be redeemed" (Is this supposed to be Astra???)

We're back to MC's POV but we aren't back in Chansia. We are in Asko Hospital.

"Zayne" is injured, ice is growing from him.

"Zayne" tells us the clusters was just one layer. We still need to defeat the Wanderer.

MC hears a voice that is echoing "Zayne's" words. (90% certain it's the lines Foreseer gives MC in their myth story) So now Myth Stories are in main story too

Blackened Ice is whats growing on Zayne

MC doesn't think it's just Zayne losing control of his evol

Memoria: Frozen Nightfall

Frozen Nightfall is apart of Thorns Underneath the Moonlight. It is a free five star card taken directly from the story. So you get the cards content without getting the card at all

MC resonates with Zayne as we have done in the past to get rid of the ice.

"Zayne" tells her that the Wanderer isn't the only danger here. He seems certain that he may harm her.

It like suddenly does a Hard Cut? They are back in the city. They aren't in room they were in before and a bunch of mist appears.

"Zayne" is carrying an unconscious MC into a hospital room.

"Zayne" says letting her step into this nightmare was a mistake. He says he has "One last choice"

And seemingly takes the ice that we resonated from him back.

MC once again mentions the weary face of one Zayne and her own merging and then immediately separating.

The attack on MC from the Wanderer wasn't in the protofield

MC asks what "Zayne" did? (I'm not exactly sure what she means by that)

She asks if this is why he has no control of his Evol

MC asks if this dream is more than just a dream to him.

"Zayne" is concerned he will never wake up from this nightmare at some point.

Later, Zayne and MC use their evols together to destroy the last layer. The world turns into "Black Amber"

After defeating the Wanderer they are back in Chansia.

MC makes Zayne back and forth around.

She says she is making sure that "Dr Zayne is the person with me right now." (What does this even mean?!)

MC collapses but she says she is fine. She is holding a part of the aether core fragment it's green

It's been three days since Zayne and MC disappeared in the Protofield.

They discover a strange device in one of the Flux stabilizers in the ICU

Someone tampered with it (Looking at Carter)

We are back in Linkon now. We are in Zayne's home.

Zayne is resting and we get a call from Simone

Simone tells us that the device resonates WITH Metaflux fluctuations

It locates protocores and ATTRACTS Wanderers.

Raymond the rich dude who died, owned Xander Sciences. Xander Sciences was passed on to Ever.

MC says that Ever is creating Monsters

We're back in Zayne's POV. He is in a dream

It looks happy at first but then it goes back to that hallway and Zayne's Evol seemingly attacks MC Again

He is still having those nightmares 😭

Pls hit me up with any more information and where it's from!!

[buckyalpine]

Edit to add: thought it saved with tw, non con, dark winter soldier

I wanna fuck the beefy winter soldier who uses me like a sex doll, just a hole to fuck. I want him to shove it in whenever he wants, fully focused on pleasuring his dick and nothing else. He’s chasing that pleasure at the tip of his pink cock that feels so good, grunting and groaning, wide touch hands holding you down in place.

Imagine he comes to finish a mission, breaking into a large mansion in the middle of the night only to find no ones home except the sweet little maid, still dressed in her tiny uniform, finishing up in the master bedroom.

You freeze on the spot, ready to beg him to spare your life as he shut the door behind him, swiftly locking it. He's programed to kill but you're evoking something new inside him. He feels pressure between his legs, his cock aching with need, a new desperate desire he needs to quench.

You know that scene with the red henley, his thick, muscular body throwing others around with 0 effort. I want that but with no clothes on. Clothes make his body feel too hot. He takes it all off when he stalks over to you, rock hard cock bobbing between his legs when he grabs and throws you over his shoulder. He might as well be an animal, precum dripping from the head down to the floor from your smell alone.

He’s absolutely unhinged.

Hasn’t had an orgasm in years.

Nearly nonverbal as he gets ready to take what he wants.

Your heart races, too scared to cry while he shoves your legs apart, groaning at your sweet scent. He tears your clothes off with his bare hands before experimentally pumping his cock, moaning at the bit of relief it gives him.

He needs more.

"P-Please-please no-Oh God!" You cry out as he shoves his cock in with one swift motion, pounding you with no remorse, grunting and panting, inhaling the scent of your perfect and something distinctly you as he snarls against your neck.

It feels so good, the serum in his veins making his cock swell with each thrust, thick drops of precum already marking you from the inside. His sole focus is to get rid of the achy feeling in his dick by using you, wanting to stop the heavy feeling in his balls. They're too heavy, too swollen, too full, it fucking hurts and your cunt feels so good, wrapped around his cock.

He moans louder with each thrust, pleasure licking up his spine, your needy little squeals just adding to how good it all feels. He loves the sting of your nails scratching down his arms, your tight pussy quivering and fluttering around him.

He sits back on his heels to watch the sight of his cock going in and out, your sensitive button throbbing between your legs. He gives it a flick, fucking you harder when he realizes touching you there makes you scream. He flicks and rubs at it wildly, loving how much tighter you get when he does that.

He gives you no warning when he pulls out and manhandles you till your face is pushed into the mattress with your ass high in the air, his cock reaching a much deeper angle in this position. He grabs onto your hips with both hands and slams you to meet the sharp snap of his hips, muttering something in a language you don't understand.

You can tell he's close, feeling him harden further inside you, his pace starting to falter. He's panting harder, head thrown back feeling that release get closer and closer. He gives you a final harsh thrust before burring himself in as deep as he could go, letting out a deep guttural moan as he starts to spill into you, his hot cum pouring out endlessly.

He wants to stop but he can't, waves of pleasure continuing to wash over him each time he thinks he's almost done, letting your body go limp while he flops on top and practically ruts and humps himself until he's finally soft and spent. He pulls out, searing the sight of his seed dripping out to memory before throwing his clothes back on. The empty feeling makes you whimper.

"moya khoroshaya devochka" [my good girl] he murmurs before leaving, already deciding he's ready to go rogue just to add this location to his list of places to revisit.

-

This wasn't meant to be part of the story but imagine he does come back to take what he wants and you let him. A few weeks later you feel insanely nauseous, throwing up every time you eat, exhausted and constantly wanting to nap.

When he sneaks in again, your scent in different and he knows. You're confused when he doesn't ravish you. Instead he wordlessly puts his hand on your belly. You look at him with confusion, especially when he picks you up softly and puts you to bed instead, keeping his hand back on your tummy.

"nash malysh" [our baby] he says softly and slowly, hoping you'd understand. Of course you quickly piece it together, only snapping out of your shock feeling his cold metal hand cup your cheek.

He makes love to you that night.

He's not sure why. He knows he has to be gentle with you. He should end you, end this mess before it goes any further but its too late. He's soft and slow. He holds you close and moves with such care, giving you deep thrusts with the roll of his hips. He lets his hands lace with yours, pinning you against the bed, squeezing them comfortingly as if to let you know he's not going anywhere.

He knows he doesn't have a lot of time. You'll be showing soon.

He'll figure something out.

Idk why tf I can't just write fics with the winter soldier where he fucks and leaves. It always ends with some stupid fluff which I didn't intend to add.

[jimblejamblewritings]

Pet Soldier | 3

Summary: Bucky's past catches up to him, unlocking painful memories of his time as the winter soldier. The only thing that could make it worse was having to be on a team with a captured HYDRA soldier he wants to see dead. But her healing power is simply too invaluable to let go.

THIS IS A DARK FIC!

Warnings for the Series: 18+ only. Heavy Angst (eventual hurt comfort). Violence. Mentions and depictions of Non-Con and Dub-Con. Psychological Trauma. Not Canon Compliant. Manipulation. Hydra.

Important Warnings for this Part: trauma, torture, manipulation

Pairing: eventual Stucky x reader, Stucky x hydra!reader, Bucky x reader

Word Count: 4.4k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist coming soon)

“I believe it would be best if L/N was moved from Avengers Tower.” 

Those were the first words out of Steve’s mouth. He was trying and failing to get out more before the protests started. Not only had he scheduled an emergency meeting before anyone got a chance to eat but now he wanted to just let you roam free unsupervised? Outside of the tower. 

“Enough! As the captain, I am choosing to make an executive decision.” 

“This is bullshit and you know it, Steve. She can’t be trusted.” 

Bucky called for Dr. Myers. His knee bounced up and down the entire time as he waited for the therapist to arrive on their floor, ignoring the arguments coming from the rest of the Avengers. Every so often, his eyes flitted over to you. Nothing in your body language or facial expressions was readable. Bucky finally sighed in relief once his therapist arrived.  

“Let’s just let the doc decide if this move is best for everyone mentally,” Bucky spoke slowly. “FRIDAY, starting from two months ago, anywhere from one in the morning to around three, please find any time when I entered L/N’s room.” 

That shut the team up. No one could figure out why he would have been in your room but they knew it probably wasn’t good. However, they all expected the problem to be you. Bucky swallowed thickly as the video played. You weren’t the monster. He was. That was the only real thought going through his head. It didn’t matter if it was the winter soldier, not at that moment. 

Tony clamped a hand over his mouth, wide-eyed and head shaking as the video showed Bucky choking you to a point of concernment. The winter soldier’s nightmares were nothing new to the team. But there was always a sort of blank stare in his eyes. An obvious sign that Bucky wasn’t present with anymore.

The soldier on the video in front of them was far more expressive than any nightmare before. There was a concentrated darkness to his gaze and sadistic enjoyment in his smile. Like he wanted you to feel this pain. And that scared everyone. 

“Barnes, what did you do?” Natasha struggled to even look at him. “What did you do to her?” 

“Nothing HYDRA hasn’t programmed him to do,” you answered for him, startling everyone that you seemed to be defending him. “The Asset’s rampages have never been easy. HYDRA found an outlet to subdue and satisfy those rampages with minimal violence and eventually no casualties.” 

“They let him rape you?” Sam asked, unable to tear his eyes away from the now still image on the screen. 

“Why do you sound so surprised? I thought you all go on and on about how HYDRA are the bad guys.” 

“But to allow him to do that to his own handler?” Natasha folded her arms over her chest. “It doesn’t seem within their nature and a good way for them to lose control of their asset.”

You didn’t have a good response so you chose to stay silent, hoping your face didn’t accidentally crack from the relatively bored expression you had been sporting since entering the room. It wasn’t exactly a shocker to you that the Avengers would be horrified by HYDRA practices. But you were a bit surprised to see that their expressions were showing actual concern for you. Someone they believed was a handler and higher-up in that horrid organization. 

Wanda’s gasp drew everyone’s attention. Her eyes never left you, making you squirm in your seat. If anyone was going to recognize the change in your microexpressions, you had expected it to be Natasha or Bucky. You went stiff at the sudden remembrance that the woman still staring at you could read minds. 

“What is it?” Steve asked. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you muttered. 

He was almost taken aback by the lack of authority in your voice. It was a tone they weren’t used to hearing from you. A tone of near defeat. Steve was conflicted. You had just been through possibly the worst thing he has ever personally witnessed and he didn’t want to push it. But if it helped your or Bucky then he kind of really needed to know. He looked at Wanda, knowing she was reading his mind. She gave him the most miniscule nod before speaking in a very sweet tone. 

“Whatever you’re afraid of everyone knowing, we can help. You have no need to be scared.” 

You scoffed. “I’m not afraid of him or any of you. I do not want to be held responsible for breaking Sergeant Barnes.” 

“I think it’s a bit too late for that,” Tony said, finally finding his voice. “We’ve seen enough HYDRA footage to reach that decision of our own. But if it makes you feel better then Manchurian Candidate never has to know what you tell us. You can talk to just Wanda or Nick or whoever. The only person you can’t avoid knowing is the leader of this team who is, unfortunately, Capsicle. But he won’t tell Barnes, will he?” 

Steve nodded with the utmost seriousness. “I promise.” 

It was like your entire body shut down. When did they see any footage from the facility? How could they be treating you the way they had if they had seen anything? You had made your peace with your past and how it would blend into this new present but that was when you were operating under a different level of assumptions. Carefully, Nick and Maria inched their fingers towards their holsters as they watched your face scrunch up in anger. Frantically, you scrambled for the dog tags hidden under your clothes. 

“So, has it been you this entire time then? Even those times you terrorized me at night?” you spat at Bucky with more vitriol and emotion than the entire team had seen before. “I spent hours rationalizing it was him and not you. Those nightmares might have been one thing but I thought even your real mind was too damaged by HYDRA for you to remember the truth. Yet, you’re saying it’s you? You’ve seen the records and you chose to treat me like this? Not the Asset. Not Soldat. Not even Sergeant Barnes. You, James Buchanan Barnes? Fuck you, Bucky.” 

You threw the dog tags at his face before storming back to the resident area of the tower, choosing the stairs so no one could try to intercept you on the elevator. For once, you didn’t give a shit how many times FRIDAY alerted Tony that you were on the stairs of some levels you weren’t authorized to be on yet. You didn’t stop walking until you reached the residential area again, ending up on the balcony to try and calm yourself with the fresh air. 

The Avengers sat in the meeting room confused. No one had ever seen that much emotion from you before. But they couldn’t figure out what had upset you, especially if you weren’t upset about the winter soldier’s nightmares. Almost afraid, Bucky grabbed the jewelry you threw at him. It slipped from his fingers instantly and landed on the table with a sharp clanking that pierced his ears. 

“What is it?” Sam reached for the metal his friend now refused to touch. Two wedding rings and a small engagement ring flanked either side of the two dog tags. Sam flipped the flat pieces of metal over. “James B. Barnes. Y/N M/I L/N… What the actual fuck is going on?” 

“Bring me Zemo,” Bucky said, darkly. 

Despite being in handcuffs, the man’s face held a smirk that didn’t break even when Sharon harshly forced him into the empty chair. A growl nearly ripped through Bucky’s throat when Zemo started clapping. 

“I take it you finally figured it out, Sergeant Barnes. I admit, you took much longer than I thought. I suppose they fried your brain even more than I believed.” 

“Why?” 

“I told you already. I don’t care for super soldiers, righteous or otherwise. I might hate supposed superheroes even more. Y/N happened to have helped keep one alive all these years when she should have just let you die. Don’t get me wrong, she might be the only person with powers I like, dare I say maybe care for. But small sacrifices must be made.” 

“You knew we’d eventually figure it out,” Steve muttered. 

“I had hoped for the winter soldier’s mind to be more fractured beforehand… There’s still time.” 

Natasha was seconds away from wanting to kill Zemo right where he sat. They had isolated you for months over what was looking more like a lie by the second. She had slapped you clear across the face on her first day of meeting you. 

“What did you do with the real footage?” 

“Flitted through whatever pieces I found could fit a narrative, hid the parts that didn’t fit, only focused on one angle of the cctv. It wasn’t that difficult to get you all to fa—” 

“Where’s the real footage?” 

“Well, I didn’t exactly bring it all with me when I was arrested.” 

“Do you have the real footage of what you showed us?” 

Nick slammed Zemo’s head into the table when he refused to answer. Trying to ignore the blood running from his nose, Zemo eventually relented. The director called in for another SHIELD agent while Tony intently watched Zemo to make sure he wasn’t trying to pull a fast one on them again as he recovered the footage. 

“Get a team back to the Siberian facility. Scour it for footage. It’s solely a recovery job. Get in and out as quickly as possible.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Fury turned back to the team. “Are we ready?” 

Tony watched the screen flicker for a moment before nodding. “FRIDAY has run all the footage we currently have through her system. Just press play on the remote.”      

Despite the fact that they were ready, they hesitated to actually start. What if more of the footage resembled Bucky’s winter soldier nightmares? That wasn’t something they were eager to relive again, let alone so soon. With a roll of his eyes, Zemo pressed the play button. The team stared at a scene that seemed so familiar already, hesitant at what new information they might be gathering. 

“Sergeant Barnes,” you said as you walked past Bucky’s shower stall. 

Instead of staying on you, a second cctv video started to play alongside what they had seen from the original video. 

Bucky wasn’t stoic at all. His body didn’t move but a smile graced his face. 

“Are you just going to stand there the entire time and watch me like a creep?” 

“If I want to admire you, soldier, I can.” Your voice was light and jovial. 

“Well, doctor, if you’re going to keep staring at me, can you at least check for injuries?” 

“Does something hurt?” There was a hint of serious inquiry in your tone. 

Bucky turned ever so slightly, smirk still plastered on his face. “My last mission was really hard. I think I still might be affected by how hard it was.”

You rolled your eyes at the cheesy line but began shrugging off your lab coat anyway. “Well, a doctor’s touch should heal you right up.” 

“I was hoping you might say that, doc.” 

In the meeting room, everyone was slowly turning a shade of red or feeling warmth heat up their faces. Bucky tried to look everywhere else but the screen. However, he kept locking eyes with various teammates and resolved himself to just stare at his tea instead. Tony stopped fixing his cup of shitty breakroom coffee, whipping around to face the screen. 

“Hold on, were you two actually fucking roleplaying? That’s what that was?” 

“It would appear so.” Bucky felt his ears go hot when a familiar part of the audio returned. 

“You’ve been holding out on me, Sarge. Maybe they should send you on more of these hard missions so I can come see you. I didn’t know you were so well endowed.” 

This time, Bucky wanted to leave the room for an entirely different set of reasons. He never thought there would be a day where his bedroom fantasies were broadcasted past Wanda accidentally reading his mind at inopportune moments. He almost wished it had been one of those times. At least he and Steve weren’t into this embarrassing roleplay that everyone was witnessing right now. 

“I’m sorry to have met your acquaintance only recently, doc,” Bucky said through a moan. “Rest assured, I’ll keep coming to your office after all my hard missions now that we’ve met.”

“I’d like that… I missed you, James.” 

“Missed you too, sweetheart. But if you keep touching me like this, I’m not gonna last long enough to return the favor.” 

“I thought you’d be tired. You just got back.” 

Bucky finally turned around, stopping centimeters from your lips. “I’m never tired when it comes to you, only bright spot in this shitty little nazi den.” 

You gasped. “Buck! What if someone hears you? They’ll wipe you again.” 

“Wipe me for what… it happened again, didn’t it?” 

You nodded, thumbs caressing his face. He shuddered underneath you before sighing. 

“I guess it won’t be long before they send me to the machine. I’m sorry if I forget you for a few days like last time.” 

“As long as you come back to me safe. Relatively safe,” you amended when he gave you a look. 

Bucky smiled. “Well, if I don’t have too long before another trip to the frying pan… Think it’s time to start seeing if this hunk of metal can bring you some pleasure. You’d like that?” 

Tony cleared his throat awkwardly as he sat back down with a now prepared cup of coffee. “Well, I’m glad you two found some levity. No matter how much I wish to scrub my memory of this foreplay.” 

“Thanks, Tony,” Bucky muttered, cringing as he heard himself asking you to finish all over his fingers. “FRIDAY, we can go ahead and skip the rest of this one. I don’t think we’ll find anything else of importance.” 

“Certainly, Sergeant Barnes. However, there is probably one more bit that might be of some significance.” 

Reluctantly, Bucky told the system to keep playing the video if it really was super important but to skip as much of the intimacy as she could. 

Bucky smiled as you both got redressed, watching you intently. You pulled your necklace you had taken off to shower with him from your lab coat pocket. Tilting it ever so slightly, you let the rings slip off the necklace along with one of the three dog tags. Bucky plucked one of the plain rings from your hand with grace, smiling as he put it on his right hand. 

“Thanks for keeping it safe for me, doll.”

“I always will.”

Bucky pulled you to his chest, giving you another kiss before you both left the showers. The two of you walked towards the garages hand in hand. With a suaveness that hadn’t been seen since he was in the 40s, Bucky held open the car door for you. 

“Hate that I had to take a shower outside my own home,” Bucky said as he reversed out of his parking spot. “Sorry you had to drive down here, sweetheart.” 

You shrugged. “I don’t mind. As long as it stops you from tracking blood through the house.” 

“I would have cleaned it up, promise.” 

The drive was only a few minutes but you and Bucky made those minutes stretch, including the time it took the elevator to reach the floor with your apartment on it. Giggles couldn’t stop pouring from your mouth when you were lifted off of your feet and carried bridal style out of the elevator. Bucky wouldn’t listen to your laughter filled requests to put you down. He opened the door with one hand, shutting it with his foot once you were both safe inside.

“What would you like to do tonight?” you asked him, accepting that he wasn’t going to set you down until he was ready. 

“Well, I would love to ravish my beautiful wife until the sun comes up but I don’t think she’d let me.” 

“You got that right, Sergeant. But maybe I’ll consider a few hours. After dinner, of course.” 

“Then I’ll go heat up some of that chicken noodle soup we made a few days ago. And can I request that you, Mrs. Barnes, go put on your favorite lingerie and one of my button downs? I’ve been dreaming about that for a few days now.” 

“I think I can make that happen, Mr. Barnes. I might even throw on one of your favorites.” 

“I’m looking forward to it.” 

Bucky wanted the ground to swallow him whole. No one had anything to say. Wanda kept rewinding the last few minutes, hearing those few sentences repeated over and over again. Bucky squeezed the necklace that had been resting in his hand since they brought Zemo up to the meeting room. 

“FRIDAY, please just play the next one,” he whispered. It was the only thing he could do to keep himself from leaving to go find you. 

“Are you sure?” Zemo asked, making Bucky look over at him. “Sergeant Barnes, you were very different as the winter soldier. Even with Y/N.” 

“Just play the damn thing.” 

You were kneeling outside on the balcony in nothing but a thin lingerie dress. The rain beat down on your shivering skin. It was like you were afraid to look up from where you hugged your own body to keep warm. The sound of heavy footsteps reached your ears. 

“Can I please come back inside? Please, Buc—Soldier?” 

He didn’t answer you, not that he could with the mask still on the lower half of his face. But the man made no moves to remove it.             

Bucky felt his heart shatter, bile rising in his throat, as you kept trying to apologize for whatever you did wrong while the winter soldier simply ignored you. Steve took large, slow nods. 

“That’s why she didn’t want to get off the quinjet.” 

“It’s your favorite way to punish her,” Zemo said as he sat back with a satisfied smile. “I noticed that throughout the tapes. The soldier always went back to this one. The rain or snowfall, minimal to no clothing, out there until you let her back in. Sometimes you weren’t even watching her, just left her out there.” 

“Stop,” Bucky murmured weakly, eyes never leaving the screen. 

“You always chose to have her just on the brink of collapse. I suppose that makes the threat more real. You know, if you were feeling extra cruel, you would put her straight in the shower after being out there. Hot water. Never hot enough to burn but it certainly must have felt like it, especially after the snow.” 

“Just stop!”

Your self-soothing was rather loud. Roughly, you kept wiping at your eyes to try and stop the tears while telling yourself to breathe and calm down. 

“It’s not Bucky,” you whispered. “It’s not Bucky. You’re fine… you’re fine, Y/N. It’s not Bucky so he can’t be talked to like him.” 

With stiff joints, you moved yourself to sit against the balcony guardrails. 

“It’s getting rusty.”

The soldier looked down at his metal arm before returning his gaze to you. 

“If I have to replace it, you will get another punishment…” You sighed as Bucky simply ran a finger over all the metal plates, another plea falling on deaf ears. “They can’t have you performing in the field in a compromised manner. They’ve said this to you multiple times now. Let’s go inside and I’ll work on you instead of Karpov.”  

Bucky sniffled at the added context. He watched the soldier nod and finally hold open the door for you. The rest of the video didn’t matter to the brunette. He didn’t need to see it to figure out how the context changed. You weren’t requesting time in cryo because you were sick of the soldier.

You were scared and needed your own recovery time. Because of something he did to you. It was all he could think about. Bucky almost didn’t register the videos were over until he heard Nick tell Maria to make a phone call to Ross and Steve question something. 

“But if she stays here… what if Buck’s nightmares make him hurt her again?” Steve argued. 

“Now that we have gotten some glimpses of the truth, I believe the soldier’s anger towards what he perceived was Miss L/N will be mitigated or gone entirely. FRIDAY monitoring Mr. Barnes’ whereabouts could give peace of mind. But I believe moving her could do more harm,” Dr. Myers said.  

“Then what do you suggest we do?”

The doctor started packing up the new file he created for you. “Be gentle with Y/N. That’s about the best we can do until further examination. And please do not change the decor of the resident area too much, really the entire tower should stay relatively the same. Her environment should be stable unless she is the one to actively make changes. She needs a routine. Like her days at HYDRA, only healthier. And I’m recommending that she no longer accompanies you all on missions unless absolutely necessary. Even then, she should stay in the quinjet.” 

“Anything else?” 

“Oh, comfort. She should be given the option of comfort. Don’t bring it into her room. Let her do that herself but it should be there.”  

Everyone nodded at his suggestion. They could do that. Tony wasn’t even planning on any major redecorations for a while. He was already texting Pepper to pick you up a long list of what Dr. Myers suggested as well as going into FRIDAY’s system to remove all the restrictions that had been placed on your living situations.  

“Buck, where are you at?” Wanda asked gently after Dr. Myers exited.

“I hurt the one good person I had in there. I had a wife. I had a wife and I hurt her.” The crack in his voice was unmistakable. 

“Bucky…” 

He pulled away from Sam’s touch. No one was sure of what to say. Sometimes it was best to let Bucky rationalize and process all by himself. Especially when it came to HYDRA. But this was different and the team wasn’t sure if leaving him to simmer in his own thoughts was a good idea. Even after Maria, Sharon, Nick, and Zemo had left, the team stayed with Bucky. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there but it felt like it was at least an hour before he was able to rise from the meeting chair. He needed to find you and talk. 

The rain had started about fifteen minutes after you had initially stepped onto the balcony. Practically running, you tried to open the door. It wouldn’t budge. Fear ran up your spine at the sudden remembering you technically didn’t have permission to be here yet and your thumbprint wasn’t yet accepted by the lock. Your breathing got shallower as you tried to yank the door off of its hinges. You started calling out to every person on the team even though no one was in your field of vision. It was the only thing you could do at the moment to not completely shut down. 

Bucky was in his head as they returned to the resident area. He wanted to talk to you. Had to. Although, what he was going to say, he was absolutely unsure of. His ears perked up at the sound of crying.   

The brunette ran when he caught sight of you pounding against the glass of the building, pleasing to be let back inside. The terrace door nearly flew off with the force he used to open it. You shook hard as he held you close, bringing you to the safety of inside. Your fist pounded at your chest in a poor attempt to regulate your breathing again but it wasn’t working. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him, teeth chattering the entire time. “I’m sorry for whatever I did, Bucky. Please don’t make me go back out there. Please. I’ll be good. I promise.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He rocked you both back and forth. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. You did nothing wrong. Come on, let’s get you out of these soaked clothes.”   

The bloodcurdling scream you let out the moment he tried to help you up made Bucky accidentally drop you. 

“No! Please don’t take me back out there. Soldier, please!” 

Bucky stepped back with a vengeance, hands up to try and make himself seem like less of a threat. He moved out of the way when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Sam crouched down to your level, holding you by both of the shoulders and doing very exaggerated breaths. 

“You’re cold, aren’t you?” 

You nodded, teeth still chattering. 

“These clothes can’t be comfortable any more. I can fix that if you want.” 

Sam thanked Steve as he took the large towel from the man. He wrapped it around you, rubbing your arms to warm you up a bit. You took his hand after some careful consideration, letting him help you get to your feet. Your breathing was still unstable. Everyone watched you take in large gulps of air as if you were drowning. 

“Nat and Wanda are going to help you get into something dry and warm. Is that okay?” 

Your eyes flitted over to Bucky. Without missing a beat, Sam stepped in front of him. 

“Hey, hey, look at me. He’s not going to do anything, alright? No one is taking you back to the terrace.” 

You wouldn’t move, still staring at Bucky. The super soldier sighed, patting Sam on the shoulder so the other man could move aside. The rest of the team held their breath as he approached you. Even if he didn’t like to speak it, he never forgot a single word of Russian he learned. 

“Let’s go. The girls will put you in something warm, dry. Safe.” 

He didn’t wait to see if you were following, knowing that wasn’t going to help. Bucky’s ears were tuned into you though. He finally breathed when he heard the sounds of your footsteps moving towards him. Nat and Wanda were quick to follow.

✭

TAGLIST:

@lil-riddle-kiddle @valckenaux @fries11 @blackterrae @violetlilites @dakotali

[lesservillain]

alpha!steve harrington x omega!reader

cw: omegaverse dynamics, knotting, bonding/marking, breeding kink, unprotected piv, semi public, mutual pining

wc:~5.7k

Music plays at a low hum from the small radio at your desk. The only station that comes in clear has been taken over by Christmas music since Thanksgiving break. Not even Wham!’’s Last Christmas was giving the same sense of relief after hearing it every day for almost a month now. 

Despite the winter wonderland outside, you still seek out the coolness of your water bottle against your skin, the chill helping to ease the flush that’s been making you sweat like it was mid July in Texas. You’d even cracked the window behind your desk in hopes that the fallen snow would help with your elevated body temperature. But you knew that all of your efforts were for nothing. That no matter how cold you made it, there was really only one thing that would actually be able to ease the discomfort that you felt spreading under your skin; the burden of being an omega in this world. 

Ever since you split with your ex this past spring you’ve been having to deal with your heats on your own. It's not impossible for an omega to go through heats without an alpha to ease the pain, but when you go cold turkey after years of having someone there to satisfy the overwhelming biological need to mate, it can take a huge toll on any omega. 

Science has made leaps and bounds over the last 20 years to improve suppressants for both alphas and omegas. They’re not perfect by any means, but they’re better than dealing with the intense urges that you feel when that time of the month comes. 

The current suppressants you're taking are…experimental. Mixed with a birth control that’s supposed to be able to stop even the swimmers of an alpha in rut from reaching an egg of an omega they’ve marked. They were suggested by your doctor as a preventative, since omegas after losing their long alpha tend to subconsciously scent to seek out a replacement. 

And they worked really well the first few months, not having a heat for nearly half a year. But the added stress of moving to a new town on your own and starting a new job where you were constantly playing catch up after inheriting a mess from the school’s previous nurse, your heat came back full swing within the first month of the school year. The dizziness, increased appetite, a dull ache in your lower back, and hot flashes put you out for three days before you could get a suppressant strong enough to make you functional again. 

Now you’re having your winter heat, which, so far, has been much tamer by comparison thanks to the increased dose of your medication. But the combination of your heat with the influx of students seeing you due to peak flu and strep season, your body has been practically screaming at you by the end of each day this week to go home and relax. 

The sudden overzealous opening of your office door takes your attention off your sweltering body. The all too familiar voice of Mr. Harrington calls out “Helloooo, nurse!” as he occupies the space in the doorway. 

Steve Harrington was one of the school’s sophomore history teachers, as well as the football and basketball coach and the leader of the Student Achievement program. All of the staff, and probably some of the students, swoon over him at any given moment, his presence never missed due to the air that surrounds him. Unfortunately you’re not immune to his charms either. In fact, the natural attraction between the two of you was palpable at times, regardless of how much you try to ignore it. 

Steve could feel it, too. And maybe it was the way his alpha brain was wired, but his flirty personality is jacked up to 10 whenever you’re around. It’s not on purpose, at least not in a conscious way. His amazing hair, the way his clothes hugged his toned body, and his almost unnaturally handsome face made him the poster child for the perfect alpha partner. 

Well, perfect except for the fact that he’s the clumsiest man you’ve ever met in your life, leaving your office at least once a week with a Strawberry Shortcake bandaid after giving himself a paper cut or an ice pack on his head when a ball hits him in the face. 

Despite his accident-prone nature, Steve is a highly desired, single alpha in his prime. And with you being the only unclaimed adult omega in the building, it’s put a huge target on your back for your jealous coworkers who think they have a shot with him. To remedy this, you’ve maintained a firm level of professionalism and platonic friendliness at all times with him, despite his flirty personality testing your willpower.

His intoxicating scent invades your senses sending  a wave of warmth to wash over you before you can even give him a quick glance. You pull at the collar of your blouse willing the air to cool down your shirt. “You feeling okay there, nurse? You look a little flushed. Or are you just that happy to see me?”

“Mr.Harrington,” you say flatly, following with teasing sarcasm as you continue looking over your paperwork, “I was starting to worry you weren’t going to see me this week. Thought you’d finally broken your streak of bad luck.” He lets out an airy chuckle that makes the sides of your lips threaten to curl.

“Oh, honey, you know I can’t stay away from you.” He means it. He would fake appendicitis if it gave him a greater chance to be doted on by you. To get closer to you. “I would have been in here sooner if I hadn’t been glued to my desk all week getting grades in before break,” he says, voicing his grievances that were the result of his own negligence. 

“I see,” you hum, continuing with the sarcastic tone. “I guess I won’t have to replenish my box of bandaids just yet.”

“Weelll,” he draws out, “All that sitting time must have built up my bad luck, because, uh, I think this one may need more than just a bandaid.”

When you finally lift your eyes from your desk, they almost bulge out of their sockets at the sight of him. Where you initially thought his arms were just crossed, you see his right hand is actually covering his left bicep, blood staining down the sleeve of his light and navy blue striped dress shirt. The lack of urgency in his tone had you thinking nothing was wrong, but of course Steve Harrington would find the time to flirt with you while he’s bleeding. 

Tossing your water bottle on the desk and jumping up from your seat, you practically fly across the room to assess the damage, pulling his hand away to find a tear in the sleeve and blood spread messily on his skin underneath.

“Oh my goodness, what happened?” You ask with concern, pulling him into the office by the hand and leading him to a cot, shutting the door behind you. 

“Mrs.Harmon asked if I could stay and help set up stuff around the auditorium for the choir performance tonight,” he explained as you pulled at the material of his sleeve, trying and failing and get a better look at the wound, “and I accidentally knocked a shelf off the wall while trying to get the decorations out. I moved fast enough that it didn’t crush me, but it did knick me a little.”

“A little! Mr.Harrington—” you start with a stern tone, preparing your normal lecture to him about being safe. 

“Steve,” he corrects with a smug grin, insisting that you call him by his first name since you’ve met. 

“Mr.Harrington,” you repeat like a warning, trying to remain professional when he’s so close to you. It’s hard when he’s staring at your face with those big hazel eyes as he watches your face scrunch in frustration while you fiddle with his shirt. A shirt that’s straining to stay together around his large bicep, leaving no give for you to get a better look at his wound. 

Losing your will to argue with him, your hands rest to your hips with a sigh. “Can you, just, slip your arm out of the sleeve, please?”

“Of course,” he says with faux seriousness as you can see his all too satisfied smile, rolling your eyes at him.

Turning on your heel, you walk a few feet to grab the things from the supply cabinet to treat his wound. Your back is turned to him as you fill your arms with gauze, tape, cotton balls, and anything else you may need for a cut that large.

 “You know, you’re probably the clumsiest alpha I’ve ever met,” you tease as you turn to face him again, “Sometimes I think you get hurt on purpose just to see m—“

The rest of your remark dies on your tongue as your mouth goes dry. Taking liberties with your request, you watch Mr.Harrington completely remove his shirt, dropping it on the cot behind him and facing you once more. The white under tank he’s wearing leaves little to the imagination as it hugs his broad chest tightly, thinning the material and making it almost see through. His skin still has the last lingering tint of the tan he was sporting on the first day of school, and different sized freckles and moles decorate his body like constellations in the sky. You’ve never seen so much of him all at once, head feeling fuzzy as you drink him in. 

“I think you might be drooling a bit there, Ms. Nurse,” he says pointing to the corner of his own mouth to further his teasing. But you can barely hear him, the words muffled as your ears start to ring and your vision tilts as if you’d been drinking. The boil you’d been dealing with all day felt like a slight shimmer as your fever suddenly spikes, your body on fire as the scent coming from his newly exposed skin has you reeling.

The supplies you’re holding dropped to the floor, freeing your hands to grasp at the counter behind you. Steve rushes to your side, wrapping an arm around you and easing you to the ground. He barely makes it without dropping to his knees himself, the smell of your pheromones hitting him like a brick. 

“H-hey, what do you need,” you hear him ask, but you can hardly register the words as his scent in close proximity only spurs your heat on more. Even with your clothes covering your skin, the touch of his hand on your waist and the one he’s rested on your knee make you crave more of him in a carnal way, the urgent need to close the gap between the two of you has your body shifting until you’re on your knees and crawling towards him. 

His hands hover in the air, slightly trembling as you lean into him. He falls back on his ass as you get closer until you’re practically laying on him, rubbing against him with your face like a cat. “I need you, Steve,” you purr. He takes a sharp breath in through gritted teeth as your hand drifts lower, lower, until your fingers land on the very prominent bulge straining against his deep blue slacks. “Shit,” his head snaps back at the contact, before dropping back down to look at you with hungry eyes.

“What happened to keeping it professional?” He tries to joke, unsure if this is all just a test from the universe to see how he would react to having his nightly fantasies come true. And while Steve may be resilient in many ways, he wasn’t sure if he could hold back with the way you’re looking up at him through your lashes as if he’d hung the moon and the stars. The scent of his musk permeates the room as he gives into your needs, his desires, letting the primal urges he’s been pushing down since the day he met you front in his mind. 

If you were in a different state of mind you probably would have laughed at his comment. But the intense ache that bloomed between your legs as all your senses start to leave your body has you whimpering against his chest. 

Strong arms scoop you up swiftly, tossing you down on the cot and pulling the privacy curtain behind him. In the split second he was away from you, you managed to grab his discarded shirt and pull it to your nose, inhaling his lingering scent. It was like a drug that you couldn’t get enough of, your thighs rubbing together and hips moving against air as your body seeks out any kind of relief for the ache. 

Suddenly, the shirt is torn from your grasp roughly. You cry out, hands reaching out aimlessly before they’re being grasped tightly around the wrists and pinned to the bed. The cot dips as a weight wedges its way between your legs, pressing against your core in a way that has you instantly bucking against it with reckless abandon, your clouded mind only thinking about satisfying the throb in your core. 

“God, look at the mess you’re making on my thigh already,” Steve says with a low growl, watching you use him in a pathetic attempt to relieve yourself. The grit in his voice hits every nerve in your body on its way from your ear drums to your cunt. 

“You smell so fucking sweet,” he groans as he brings your wrist to his nose and inhales, “Like vanilla or honey, o-or something better,” he stammers. He leans over you, hot tongue licking a thick stripe from your collar bone to behind your ear, lightly biting the lobe and pulling, goosebumps rising on your skin. His hair is just as soft as you imagined it would be as it tickles your cheek, a sharp contrast to the way his teeth bite at your neck, his tongue soothing over the skin. 

You press your cheek into him, whining his name right into his ear, practically begging him to put you out of your misery. He releases one of your hands to grab your face, lips pursing together, making you look him in the eyes. His pupils fully blown out and close enough that you can see your own fucked out reflection in them.

“Listen to me,” he says, swallowing, eyes flickering between your eyes and your lips. “I’ve been wanting to do this for five fucking months. Five long months of fucking my fist to the thought of getting you under me just like this, making you a mess and having you beg for me.” He takes a deep breath through his nose, nostrils flaring as the last bit of his resolve begins to waver. “So if we do this, you’re mine from now on, got it? No more of this back and forth, pretending you don’t want me as much as I want you bullshit. Once I start…I’m not going to be able to stop. Do you understand?”

There’s no hesitation with how quickly you try to nod your head against his grip. The heat coming off of your cheeks warms the tips of his fingers. “Nuh-uh,” he tuts, giving you a little shake, “Need to hear it. Tell me you want this.” 

“Want you, Steve. Need you. Need your cock, please, please please.”

 He curses under his breath before his lips crash into yours. The kiss is hot and heavy right off the bat as teeth clash and tongues dance together in desperation. Your free hand finds its way into his perfect hair, pulling slightly at the nape, eliciting a moan from him that you catch as it leaves his lips.

Steve pulls away from you with a wild look in his eyes. Both of his strong hands release their hold on you so that he could rip open the front of your blouse, sending buttons flying and hitting the floor with a clatter. His mouth is back on you, nipping and biting the skin while his hands pull your tits free from the cups of your bra. 

Mouth moving at lightning speed, he hungrily takes one of your nipples in his mouth, sucking and tonguing the bud while needing at your other breast with his hand. His eyes are glassy when they look up at you, half lidded and unfocused, drool dribbles down your breast from his mouth. 

Everything next happens so quickly you can barely register it. Steve pulls away from you completely, standing up fully to rip your pants down your legs. Once he throws them to the floor, he’s making quick movements to undo his own pants, his right thigh drenched from the slick that had soaked through while grinding against him. 

His cock is so hard that the pressure against the crotch of his pants has the zipper undoing itself once he frees the button. Wasting no time, he shucks down his slacks and boxers in one go, his large cock and heavy balls now on full display for you, the sight making your eyes widen in surprise—and maybe fear?

Alphas are known to be bigger than even a well endowed beta, and omegas are built to handle the size of an alpha’s better than a beta can, but the size of the Steve’s cock less than a foot from your face has you mesmerized at the sheer size of it. But while your mind may be in shock, your pussy has a mind of its own, slick dripping in anticipation for the stretch you’d be receiving. Even in his large hands it looked massive, bigger than any alpha you’d been with before. 

You sit up in the bed slightly, reaching out to take him in your hand, your fingers barely able to wrap around him as you stroke the angry red tip. He curses under his breath as you let your hand roll over the tip, feeling the veins against the skin of your palm with each stroke.

 A little bead of precum bubbles at the tip and something in your mind snaps. Your mouth is on him in an instant, any sense you may have had left is completely gone out the window when that salty taste hits your tongue. 

“Fuck, look at you,” he cooes, followed by a guttural moan at the sight of you trying to take as much of him in your mouth as you can. “Such a good girl. Trying your best to take me in that pretty little mouth of yours, huh?” His words egg you as you continue to suckle at his tip, lapping up any of his spend that leaks out as you keep pumping at his shaft.

You want to keep going, want to be good for him, but ache between your legs is becoming unbearable the longer you go on. Slick is slipping down your thighs, a puddling forming under you on the sheets as your body involuntarily preps itself to take Steve’s massive cock. You look up at him with teary eyes, lifting your ass in the air as a silent plea for him to take you like the bitch in heat that you are. 

And as much as he’s loving watching you pitifully mouth his cock, seeing you present yourself for him turns off the evolved parts of his brain, leaving him to run on primal instincts only. 

Grabbing you by the throat, he manhandles you onto your back and positions you so your ass on the edge of the cot. Your legs fall to the sides, opening as wide as you can get them, pussy on full display and ready to be taken. 

“Hoooooo, fuck,” Steve shudders, licking his lips at the sight of your dripping cunt, hole clenching around nothing, begging for him to fill it up. He runs his fingers through your folds to collect some of your arousal, barely brushing over your throbbing clit. He brings his fingers to his mouth, shoulders slumping in satisfaction.

“Damnit, of course you taste sweet, too. Can’t wait til I can get you in my mouth,” he says with a slight slur. 

You panic for a moment, unsure if you could wait any longer for him to finally be inside you. As if he can read you like a book, he lets out a soft chuckle, taking his cock in his hand and pumping it slowly. “Don’t you worry, baby girl, I’m not gonna keep you waiting any more. Next time, though…”

The sticky tip of his cock taps your clit, sending shock waves throughout your body with every touch. It’s too much and not enough all at once. His name falls from your lips, and he shushes you in return, lining himself up with your entrance.

The breach of his tip stretching you wide is like a shot of morphine in an IV drip, your body becoming numb and a live wire at the same time, replacing the pain with a fuzzy haze all over. 

Steve watches the way your face contorts with pleasure as hips rock back and forth slowly. His teeth bite down on his bottom lip, trying his hardest to hold back so you can get used to his size, but the vice grip you have on his cock has him quickly losing his resolve. Body falling over you, he brackets your head between his forearms as he finally folds. His breath fanning over your face has your eyes fluttering open. Met with the most divine visual of Steve’s pinched brow, scrunched up nose, and slack jaw fill your vision entirely. Your breath is punched from your lungs as he makes that final thrust, bottoming out inside of you with a shuddered whimper. 

“Oh, my god,” you breathe, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in closer. He buries his head in the crook of your neck, rubbing his face against your skin, marking you with his scent. He begins to move, setting a pace that makes every thrust feel like heaven, the tightness of your walls amplifying every ridge and bump of his cock as it drags back and forth. “Fuck, Steve, you’re so big,” you whine, “Never felt so full be-fore!” The last syllable comes out as a gasp as he thrusts into you hard, spurred on by your words. 

His arms wrap around you tightly, laying all of his upper body weight against you to pin you in place so he can fuck into mercilessly. The feeling is mind melting, nonsense words mixed with repeating his name over and over fall from your mouth with each punch of his cock against your cervix. Each thrust hits that spot inside of you dead on, throttling you towards the edge quicker than your mind can handle in your current fucked out state. 

“Fuuuuck,” Steve’s voice is strained next to your ear, thrusts slowing as you “Don’t squeeze so tight, baby, I don’t wanna cum yet.” 

His words have the opposite effect on you as your whole body trembles beneath him, cumming so hard his cock your vision goes white. Your chest presses into his as your back arches off the mattress, the skin to skin friction against your hardened nipples stimulating you more as he fucks you through your high.

He lifts his head to watch you come undone with a wide eyed, feral look. He’s panting, too, with a string of saliva from his tongue to the skin of your shoulder where he had latched on, the skin red and already speckling with broken blood vessels. 

 “You’re so pretty when you cum on my cock like that,” he says with heavy breaths, “Wanna see you do it again, and again, and again,” he babbles, leaning in to trail kisses along your jaw, continuing to thrust into you harder and harder, in his own world now. You can only cling to him as he ruts into you, nails scratching down his back. “Gonna fuck you over and over and over until it takes. Big, round belly on full display for everyone to see. You gonna tell everyone Mr.Harrington got you pregnant when you can’t hide it anymore? What will all the other teachers think?” 

“Fuck, Steve, please.” 

“What is it, baby? Tell me what you want.”

“Want it, Steve. Want your knot.”

“Oh, is that right?”

Suddenly, he pulls away and out of you completely. It’s such a shock to the system you can help but cry out at the loss of him. But the vacancy doesn’t last long, his strong arms lifting and flipping you with ease until you’re face down into the mattress, ass being propped up on shaky legs so he can bottom out in you once more. 

This new angle changed everything. A wanton moan feels like it was being pushed out of you as it felt like his cock was in your lungs. One hand grabs a hold of your hip while the other pushes down on the back of your neck, effectively pinning you down so he can pick back up his brutal pace. There was no rhythm to his thrusts, driven purely on animalistic instincts as he chases his own pleasure, using you as a means to get him there.

“You want my knot, huh?” The question is rhetorical, said in the heat of the moment as he feels his peak nearing. “Want me to give you my knot and really knock you up? I’ll ruin you for any other alphas that think they have a chance. Cause you’re mine now, aren’t you, sweet girl? No other alpha’s gonnna fuck you like I can, right?” 

“No-no, Steve! Don’t want anyone else! Only want your knot! Please, please!” Your eyes lull as he fucks you stupid, mouth parted open as you drool onto the sheets. 

His weight shifts, trailing kisses down your back until he gets to that spot on the back of your neck. A chill runs down your spine as his teeth scrape against the skin over your scent gland. “Well, if that’s the case…Guess you wouldn’t mind if I held you to that, right?” 

The primal part of your brain is screaming for him to do it; mark you and make you his, permanently. The logical side fights for dominance, reminding you that you never wanted to be owned by an alpha, which is why you and your ex broke up in the first place. But the way he was making you feel right now had you second guessing all your morals. He hums over you, lips lingering against your skin as he speaks. 

Before you could answer, his hips were stilling inside you, the base of his cock swelling as he pumped you full with his spend. It would have been painful if it didn’t trigger the release of oxytocin in your body, making you cum with him. Your legs start to give out, but his hold on you tightens as his spend continues to spill into you., the  His body shakes above you, chest heaving as tries to catch his breath.

The two of you take a moment to come down from your highs. The air around you feels electric as the two of you become one, his knot settling within your walls snuggly, the steady stream of Steve’s cum filling you to the brim until you couldn’t possibly take anymore. He rests his head over your scent gland, rubbing his face against it out of comfort while you still emit that sweet, sweet smell. 

Everything feels right in the moment, until it’s interrupted by a knock and an intruding aroma. To you, it smells like smokey wood and cinnamon, but to Steve, it’s a threat. The smell of another alpha trying to get near his omega and claim her over him. You can feel his body tense up, breathing picking up in a panic, lips pressing against the skin as his mind races.

“Steve?” You say his name meekly. There’s a short pause between you, a split second before you feel it, his teeth clamping down on your skin. It’s like every nerve in your body lights up all at once. The sensation is powerful it makes you cum again, clamping down on Steve’s still hard cock buried inside of you. The moan he lets out against you is pornographic, teeth still clinging to your skin tightly as his saliva mixes with your body’s natural scent.

“Hey, everything okay in there?” The muffled voice calls from the other side of the door.

“Get the fuck out of here, Eddie!” Steve yells out to the janitor, another alpha that you’d seen in passing, pinching your skin as he does his best to keep his teeth on you. It’s quiet for a moment, and you think that Eddie left until you hear a loud, booming laugh, and a faint “About damn time!” as the new smell starts to dissipate. 

Steven feels your body jolt slightly beneath him and refocuses his attention on you. You do it again with an audible snort. At first he thinks you might be crying, guilt creeping in as he’s realized what he’s done to you. But as you get louder, it’s clear that you are actually laughing. 

“Was tho funneh?” He asks, drooling down onto your back.

“I don’t know,” you say through fits of giggles. “I think I’m losing my mind.”

“Thounds like et,” he says, laughing along with you.

“Sorry, I just…wasn’t expecting any of this.” Your body shifts under him, growing uncomfortable in the position you were in. Steve senses this, releasing your skin and licking your wounds so that, with careful maneuvering, he’s able to get both of you comfortably on your sides. He wraps his arms and legs around you, holding you close to his strong chest, eyeing his handiwork of his mark as you rest your head on his arm.

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for,” he says softly, kissing the back of your head. “If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me. I took things too far…But if I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t regret it.”

It could be the residual high from your heat, or the change in your brain chemistry from his mark, or just the fact that you’ve been pushing down how much you really wanted this with him from the moment your hands touched when you both went for the same bagel at the first staff meeting over the summer, but you couldn’t deny that you didn’t regret it either. 

For so long you’ve been in denial, trying to ignore that he was the reason your suppressants stopped working because you wanted him so badly that your body was rejecting them when he was around. Denying how happy you get when he brings you coffee in the morning, or how much you look forward to when he sits with you during his lunch period to talk about whatever shenanigans his multitude of friends get into, or how the whole reason you started this heat was because he let you sit in the passenger seat of his BMW while he jumped your car after work on Tuesday, the inside smelling so overwhelmingly like him that you had to jump out and rush straight to your car before you ended up jumping him in the middle of the parking lot. 

“Steve?” You request his attention just above a whisper, breaking the silence between you. He hums quizzically, resting his cheek against yours. “Did you really need to grade papers this week, or have you been avoiding me this week because you knew I was going through a heat?”

His cheek vibrates against yours as he chuckles from his throat. “You’re so smart, you know that, right?” He kisses your cheek before settling back with his head on the pillow, forehead resting against the back of your head. 

As the two of you lay there you ask him a million questions, picking his brain to its fullest extent with this new closeness the two of you share. Really, you just like the sound of his voice, but he does say a few things here and there that make you belly laugh.

“Don’t do that,” he laughs along with you, “We’re never going to come undone if you keep squeezing me like that!”

“I can’t help it,” you wipe a tear from your eye, trying your hardest to suppress your giggles. 

Thirty minutes pass and Steve’s knot finally goes down enough that he can pull out of you. It feels like a part of you is missing now that he’s no longer occupying you after so long. Hot, sticky cum pours from you like a storm drain onto the sheet below. With a sigh, you make a mental note to add new sheets on your list of things to replace, right under a new box of bandaids.

Oh, shit. Steve’s arm.

As he starts to gather the discarded clothes on the floor, you see that that blood has dried up and mostly rubbed off after everything. After the two of you redress, you wearing Steve’s button up after he made your blouse no longer wearable, not that you were complaining as the need to nest was starting to kick in, you cared for his wound. Just a cut left behind that would be okay with a little disinfecting and a few steristrips. 

“You forgot the most important part,” he says with a shake of his head as you place the last strip on his arm. You tilt your head at him in confusion, a smile forming on his face as he looks at you with a sparkle in his eyes. “Aren’t you gonna kiss it better?”

[ordinary-barbie]

is it new year's yet?

summary: you absolutely adore christmas. unfortunately for you, your boyfriend Billy despises the holiday. can you get him to look on the merry and bright side of life? modern-day au.

tags: billy x fem! reader, swearing, some suggestive content but no actual smut, reader and Billy are in their mid-20s and live in California, mention of Neil being an abusive pos, some angst but mostly fluff

title from the song by Sabrina Carpenter!

note: enjoy this belated christmas present, haha! It's definitely cheesy but maybe a little cheese is good sometimes, ya know? also this is my first time dipping my toes into ST fanfic so be gentle!

Billy hated Christmas.

Well, it wasn't always this way. Back when he was a kid - when his mom was still around - Christmas was a magical time. His mom adored Christmas and always found a way to make it special. But after she left, the magic of the holiday faded. Neil certainly wasn't going to make it merry and bright. When he married Susan, Neil managed to put up some sort of effort for her and Max, but didn't do shit for Billy (unless you count the black eye Neil gave him a few years ago after he forgot to buy Max a gift. Happy fuckin' holidays).

These days, everything about the holiday seemed to irritate him. The garish decorations hanging everywhere. The songs that were so goddamn overplayed. The whole "holly jolly, merry and bright" vibes made him sick.

And yet, somehow, he ended up with someone who wholeheartedly embraced everything about this corny-ass holiday: you.

Billy honestly didn't know how he managed to land you. Where he was all sharp edges and harsh words, you seemed to radiate light and kindness - though that didn't mean you took any shit, from Billy or anyone. He'd had his walls built up for so long, and he'd finally found someone who was willing to chip away at his exterior and love him truly and deeply.

When Billy first admitted to you that he wasn't a fan of Christmas, he wasn't sure how you were going to react. He knew how much you adored the holiday and was terrified that this was going to be the breaking point, the thing that finally convinced you that you deserved better and you should leave him.

Instead, you giggled. Fuck, Billy wanted to bottle up that sound so he could listen to it whenever he wanted. "Wow, I had no idea I was dating the Grinch," you teasingly replied.

Billy snorted, though he was secretly filled with relief. "The Grinch had a point, all right? This shit gets annoying."

You softly smiled at him. “The Grinch also discovered the magic of Christmas and his heart grew three sizes,” you countered in response.

Billy rolled his eyes but couldn’t stay mad at you long. "Yeah yeah. But that's not gonna be me."

🎄🎄🎄

Billy sighed, tugging at the ugly Christmas sweater you'd bought for him - a green sweater emblazoned with a drawing of the Grinch and the words "Bah Humbug!" across the chest. ("It suits you!" you'd teasingly told him.) "I cannot believe you talked me into this," he grumbled.

Susan and Max (who was on winter break from her psychology graduate program at UC Irvine) had invited the two of you over for Christmas Eve dinner, requesting that you wear "your merriest Christmas sweaters!" Though Susan had divorced Neil years ago, she still held a soft spot for Billy, and she'd quickly taken a liking to you as well.

Billy was reluctant to go, not because he hated Susan and Max or anything (honestly, one of the only good things Neil ended up doing was introducing the two of them into Billy's life) but because of the whole...Christmas of it all. But you'd really wanted to go, and Billy found it really difficult to say no to you.

Yeah, he was totally whipped.

You beamed up at Billy, looking adorable in your maroon sweater covered in white snowflakes. "It's gonna be fun, I promise! And we don't have to stay super long if you're not feeling it. We can just pop in, give Susan and Max their gifts, and then skedaddle out of there."

Billy had never been more in love with you. "You're definitely getting eaten out when we get back home."

"BILLY!" You yelped, burying your face into the side of your boyfriend's neck in embarrassment. Still, when Billy chuckled, you couldn't help but grin a little. Slowly but surely, your Grinch was becoming less, well...Grinchy.

🎄🎄🎄

Christmas Eve with the Mayfields went well. At first, Billy was hesitant to partake in the festivities, but his exterior melted away and he enjoyed laughing, drinking, and having fun with his former stepmom and stepsister.

He'd even cried at the end of It's a Wonderful Life, fully debunking the boastful claims he'd made that he never cried at movies. (Later, when both of you were alone, he explained that it was his mother's favorite movie, and your heart nearly burst.)

Before you and Billy left for the evening, Susan privately pulled you to the side for a chat. "Thanks for convincing him to come visit," she said, looking at you with kind eyes. "I know Christmas hasn't brought up the best memories for him, but it was so nice to see him happy. And I think you have a great deal to do with that."

Susan's words made a warmth grow in your chest. Billy wasn't the easiest guy to get to know, but you'd tried your best to break down his walls. To see him so happy, and to see that other people noticed the change, made you overcome with emotion.

The words you'd wanted to tell Susan wouldn't come out - thank you for your kind heart, for never giving up on Billy - so you just enveloped her into a hug. Max and Billy, who'd been yapping to each other about hockey, made their way over, curious about the random display of affection.

"Can I have my girlfriend back now?" Billy jokingly asked, smiling fondly at you and Susan.

Susan laughed. "All right, you kids get going now."

"Yeah, please go suck each others' faces off outside of our home," Max quipped. Billy ruffled Max's hair, causing the redhead to playfully scowl at him.

You and Billy said your goodbyes to Susan and Max, promising to visit again soon. When you'd climbed into Billy's truck, you couldn't help but feel a bit smug, happy that things had worked out the way you thought they would.

"What's got you grinning like that, huh?" Billy asked as he backed out of Susan's driveway.

You shot Billy a coy smile. "Oh, nothing. Just basking in the fact that I was right about you coming around on Christmas."

Billy scoffed. "This doesn't mean I love Christmas. I just don't hate it anymore, all right?"

You chuckled softly, content with this small victory. Maybe Billy would never be enraptured with the holiday festivities like you were, and that's okay. But you were happy that he was willing to indulge you anyway, and enjoy himself in the process, even if he wouldn't openly admit it.

🎄🎄🎄

"I think you're forgetting something, babe," Billy informed you as you kicked off your shoes and prepared to go into your shared kitchen for a snack. "Look up."

You scrunched your nose at your boyfriend, confused, before noticing the sprig of mistletoe that hung from a light fixture in the hallway. "Mistletoe? Billy Hargrove, you little minx."

Billy smirked, pulling you into a deep, searing kiss. Hey, maybe some of those goofy Christmas traditions weren't so bad. Especially if he got to partake in them with you.

[mythmash]

Resources & Mutual Aid Masterpost

this is a collection of all of the resource, information, and donation links i've found. this is not a completed list, i will be adding new resources and links as i find them. you are welcome to send me a dm or ask with any additional links, fundraisers, information, or other resources that you know of and i will update this post accordingly. if there are any missing or incorrect links, please let me know.

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Resource Master Document - Google Doc including resources for Palestine, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Sudan, Haiti, Yemen, Hawai'i, and Lebanon.

Charity Navigator - Find and support charities.

Vetted fundraisers that have contacted me recently - Updated on 01/12/2025

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Palestine

@/genderqueerdykes Palestine Resources Page - A list of resources, information, petitions, gofundme campaigns for civilians and more.

Gazafunds.com - a project that highlights random crowdfunding campaigns for people trying to evacuate from Gaza.

How to donate e-sims via #ConnectingGaza

BDS Movement, BDS Targeted Boycott List, & BDS Instagram

Vetted Gaza Fundraiser List (Alternate Link)

Palestinian Children's Relief Fund

Gaza Soup Kitchen fundraiser for Palestinian kids in North Gaza

@/gaza-evacuation-funds list of fundraisers and fundraiser information

HEAL Palestine & Donation Page - Provides Palestinians in Gaza with food, clean water, shelters, "makeshift classrooms," and even medical evacuation when it's possible.

Rami Kashou - Website of a Palestinian designer, where 100% of the proceeds on certain items will go to HEAL Palestine.

Fund a Kitchen in Gaza - Free tool that helps you locate and donate to community kitchens currently serving some of Gaza's most vulnerable.

The Sameer Project - Mutual aid group that covers additional needs such as meals, tents, cash aid, and medical aid.

Dahnoun Mutual Aid - Mutual aid group that covers additional needs such as meals, tents, baby supplies, cash aid, and winter clothes.

Extensive list of Gazan mutual aid projects and nonprofits

Palestinian gofundmes low on funds

Vetted Campaigns low on funds

Low on Funds Campaigns Google Doc

Buy Palestinian Olive Oil & ShopPalestine.org

@/a-shade-of-blue & her Freshwater Pearl Necklace Raffle for Gaza fundraisers with low donations - a-shade-of-blue shares verified Gaza campaigns with vetting evidence.

@/creatingblackcharacter's Donation Drive - Donate at least $10 to any campaign or fundraising program of their choice and receive a written thank-you card. If you donate $20 or more, you can receive a specialized card with whatever you want.

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Congo

What's happening in Congo: Resources + Info + how you can help

Focus Congo

Help Women in the Democratic Republic of Congo

@/genderqueerdykes Page for aiding the Democratic republic of Congo - A page with known organizations providing aid to Congo, as well as information and educational articles. They are also currently looking to include civilian aid campaigns.

Infographic on what is happening in Congo with how to help the #FreeCongo Movement

FriendsOfTheCongo.org campaign page

Backmarket.com - Buy refurbished tech and devices instead of buying new from companies with the highest exploitation of the DRC like Apple, Google, HP, Microsoft, and Intel.

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Sudan

The War in Sudan

@/genderqueerdykes Page for aiding Sudan - A list of resources, information, petitions, gofundme campaigns, and more.

Thread on the control of Wad Madani and why the celebrations of its liberation are justified

How to Help the People of Sudan & List of organizations and fundraisers

Sudanfunds.com & their Campaign List- Website focusing on gofundmes for Sudanese individuals and families.

List of Sudanese fundraisers

Extensive list of organizations and fundraisers for Sudan

Support survivors of El Gezira massacres - RUSUL, a U.S.-registered nonprofit, is raising $150,000 to provide essential aid to 300,000 people in Gezira State. Donations will help fund: Emergency Evacuation and Shelter, Healthcare, and Protection & Psychosocial Support.

Fundraiser for Sudanese women who have escaped the RSF - Fundraiser to provide essential hygiene kits with sanitary pads and toiletries, safe spaces and temporary shelter, and food and water supplies to families who have lost access to basic resources.

Video by Sara Al-Hassan (@/bsonblast) highlighting multiple campaigns and organizations to help Sudanese refugees & her linktree with additional resources

Saving Al Geneina linktree - Resources to help Sudanese refugees & displaced families.

Hope Relief & Rehabilitation for Disabilities Support linktree - A Sudanese organisation dedicated towards improving the lives of People with disabilities and other vulnerable groups.

Youth Smile Initiative Sudan Refugee Project - a project under Youth Smile initiative a registered NGO in Uganda aimed at reducing hunger which is killing Sudanese in the Kiryandongo refugee settlement.

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Lebanon

Where to donate for Lebanon?

Information on supporting African migrant workers in Lebanon

African women needing to evacuate Lebanon and the gofundme (link)

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US-Based Resources

LA Wildfire Resources - A collection of all of the information and resources I’ve found to help those affected by the Los Angeles count wildfires.

The ACLU & their Know Your Rights Page

ACLU Campaigns & Initiatives

The Trevor Project - Suicide prevention and crisis intervention nonprofit organization for LGBTQ+ young people.

10 ways to be prepared and grounded now that Trump has won - Article by David Hunter on how to survive the Trump presidency, both on the personal and on the political plane.

HCSHC - Haitian Community Support and Help Center to donate to and support Springfield, Ohio Haitians.

Mental Health warm lines that DON'T call the police

InclusiveTherapists.com/crisis Mental Health Crisis Resources

Apply for a new adult passport

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[thecheekyblog]

It Sunday!! So it is reset Sunday!

I don’t know for you but February has been pretty draining to me and knowing this month is coming to an end, i feel today is a great time to do some introspection.

Take your journal, and think about the fact that you made it through that challenging month. For me, I haven’t been this busy with work and felt like all that i do was not enough and just felt overwhelmed over all. Than i realized, man ITS WINTER! Everything would be overwhelming, i dont go out, way less socializing, more procrastination, no shit i feel so low.

If you live in Canada, especially in Quebec, you would know that winter been kicking our ass and i decided to do some about it! I look into ways to bring more joy into my life, active joy. Not Netflix or TikTok (which tbh turned in into a zombie lowkey)

I decided to find indoors hobbies and go back into walking 10k steps a day. I felt like i needed to find a purpose until summer comes back and i can be the goddess of the sun that i was always meant to be.

For the hobbies, i started reading again, BAKING ( because fly girls bake pookie ), working out more (yoga mostly because I’m a stiff queen rn and i dont like it).

So on this fine Sunday, do a list of the things the better you would be doing! Like what perfect you do on her free time you know! And also take some time to reflect and be grateful for yourself and all that makes you who you are.

Use today to plan this last week of February and prepare what you want your March to be. March will mark the end of the first quarter of the year. MAKE IT COUNT!

Here is a list of few hobbies you can do inside.

Creative & Artsy Hobbies 🎨

Painting & Drawing – Watercolors, acrylics, or digital art

Calligraphy & Hand Lettering – Beautiful writing styles

Scrapbooking – Preserve memories with creativity

Pottery & Clay Sculpting – Handmade ceramics and crafts

Mindful & Relaxing Hobbies 🧘🏾‍♀️

Meditation & Mindfulness – Stress relief and focus

Journaling – Gratitude journaling, dream logs, bullet journaling

Reading – Fiction, self-help, history, or poetry

Puzzles & Brain Teasers – Sudoku, crosswords, Rubik’s cubes

Astrology & Tarot Reading – Explore spiritual insights

Learning & Skill-Building Hobbies 📚

Learning a New Language – Apps like Duolingo or Rosetta Stone

Taking Online Courses – Skillshare, Coursera, Udemy

Playing a Musical Instrument – Piano, guitar, ukulele, or digital music production

Coding & Programming – Build websites, apps, or game

Creative Writing – Poetry, short stories, novels

Food & Drink Hobbies 🍽️

Baking & Cake Decorating – Experiment with new recipes

Cooking International Dishes – Try cuisines from different cultures

Mixology & Bartending – Make creative mocktails or cocktails

Fermenting Foods – Kimchi, yogurt, kombucha

I hope this help and i hope you giriliees are okay

[newyorkthegoldenage]

Jacob Getlar Smith, Snow Shovelers, 1934. Oil on canvas.

"Snow Shovellers," an oil painting by Jacob Getlar Smith (1898-1958), created while he was in the New Deal's Federal Art Project. The description for this painting reads, "Many artists went out into the cold to find subjects after the PWAP began in December 1933. Jacob Getlar Smith found men hired by the government’s new work relief program, the Civil Works Administration, to shovel snow from the streets and park paths of New York. Some of the snow shovelers sport crisp fedoras and warm overcoats while others wear battered caps and ragged coats; some have practical boots while others wear shoes more suited to office work. Men used to physical labor stride along vigorously; those accustomed to sitting behind desks walk more slowly, bowed with weariness after a morning spent clearing snow. Black and white, poor and middle class—all had lost their jobs to the Great Depression. Smith showed them gathered into the ranks of the New Deal social programs that offered them all the means to get through the winter. A boy pulling a sled walks alongside the men, a reminder of the families who looked to these men for their support."

Photo: New Deal of the Day Text: A New Deal for Artists exhibition label

[narayansevango]

Winter Shelter: Donate Blankets and Sweaters with Narayan Seva Sansthan

As winter sets in, the biting cold becomes unbearable for many, especially those living on the streets or in underprivileged communities. Every year, countless individuals face harsh weather without the basic necessities to keep warm. To address this pressing issue, Narayan Seva Sansthan, a renowned NGO, has initiated its Winter Relief Campaign — an effort to distribute sweaters and blankets to those in need.

The campaign provides a simple yet impactful way to help vulnerable individuals during the winter months. When you donate a blanket or donate a sweater, you’re not just giving a physical item; you’re offering warmth, hope, and a shield against the biting cold. This small act of kindness can significantly improve the lives of people struggling to stay warm.

Narayan Seva Sansthan is committed to improving the lives of underprivileged communities across India. Through their ongoing efforts, they’ve proven how collective action can make a difference. This winter, their focus is on ensuring that no one has to endure the freezing temperatures without adequate protection.

By partnering with Narayan Seva Sansthan, you can directly contribute to this noble cause. Your donations can provide the essential warmth to those in need, creating a ripple effect of kindness and compassion.

Let’s make this winter season a little more bearable for the less fortunate. Visit Narayan Seva Sansthan’s Winter Relief Campaign to contribute today. Together, we can ensure that everyone has access to a warm and safe winter.

Take a step towards humanity — donate now!

[verbotenlove33]

Adi and the Winter Relief Fund ❄️

It’s the first official day of Winter - let’s take a look at Adi’s annual charity drive established to prevent anyone from being cold or going hungry. There simply wasn’t enough of him to go around to cuddle up with and keep warm, so funds had to be raised to provide food and coal to those in need in order to chase off the chill 🔥🔥🔥

[neocatharsis]

[PRESS] NCT Doyoung Donates 30 Million KRW on His Birthday to Support Hungry Children

NCT 127 member Doyoung has made a generous donation to support hungry children in South Korea on his birthday.

On February 7, the international development NGO G Foundation revealed that Doyoung donated 30 million KRW on February 1, his birthday, to support children in South Korea facing food insecurity.

Doyoung’s warm-hearted donation is expected to be a great help to low-income children and teenagers who are struggling to secure meals during the school break due to a lack of proper care. The 30 million KRW donation will be used in various ways to provide healthy meals for children and teenagers during their growth stages. It will fund nutritious lunch boxes and side dishes, as well as food kits for easy meal preparation to help children quickly solve their hunger. Additionally, special meal costs will be supported for children living in orphanages and child care facilities, allowing them to enjoy their favorite foods freely.

NCT Doyoung personally selected the charity for his donation, aiming to help children and teenagers who are at risk of going hungry during the cold winter break, ensuring they can have safe and healthy meals. Following last year's birthday donation, Doyoung continues to spread positive influence by supporting vulnerable children and teenagers in need.

Doyoung has consistently donated to support various causes, including assistance for low-income teenage girls and disaster relief for Turkey and Syria. His total accumulated donations, including this recent contribution, have surpassed 340 million KRW. His acts of kindness are having a positive impact on many people and setting a good example.

Doyoung expressed, "I wanted to share the love I've received with many people. I hope my heart reaches everyone, so that we can all have a warmer winter despite the cold."

Park Chungkwan, CEO of G Foundation, said, "We are truly grateful to Doyoung for his warm-hearted donation for the healthy meals of hungry children. Thanks to Doyoung's contribution, we can deliver hope and courage to children who need help." He continued, "Providing food and meal support for hungry children plays an important role beyond just satisfying their immediate hunger—it helps them feel that they are receiving love and encouragement from others. We will continue to expand our support programs to ensure the precious heart that Doyoung shared reaches the children's tables, enabling them to live healthy and happy lives."

Translated by NCTDAOYlNG

[hopesallwegotleft]

Fireplace

Prompt #4: Fireplace Words: 718 Summary: Kind of a counterpart to the Snowman prompt, but for Salim. Continuing from the previous prompts, Salim reflects on his life and comes to realize something about his evolving relationship with Jason. Note: Has hints of Salim struggling about fitting his same-sex attraction into his religion.

All his forty-one years, Salim has lived with fire. He was born into it, into a desert country where even the winters are warm, as foreigners would claim. The summers are sweltering, yes, but when Salim thinks of Iraq, he thinks of the colorful rugs in his neighbors’ home, of his family dancing the choby, of climbing onto the roof with his father and Noor and watching the moon and stars at night, silhouettes of palm trees swaying in the wind. He remembers fondly the other children he’d play games with, the way he’d make Daniyal grin with a clever comment and the heat that gathered around his heart at that, even though Daniyal was a boy. 

He grew up with that same fire, listening to the lessons on hell, the warnings to avoid any wrongdoing, the lectures on the Fire whose fuel is men and stones. Then, as he had his hopes set on going to university, to learn all he wanted, to get a good education and provide for Rajwa, he was conscripted. With hundreds of other men he trained under the blistering sun with no cool water to provide relief. As a soldier, he was sent out into the field against their neighbor, hiding behind whatever cover Iraq could provide, temples pounding, sweating into his uniform as he curled up tight against the ground, praying all the gunfire and bombardments would miss him and his troop. In the summer of 1984, as their generals rotated their platoons, God provided him with succor, granting him leave to visit Rajwa. Nine months later, his beautiful baby boy was born.

Finally, he was tested by the fire. After fighting for survival and earning the rank of Lieutenant, he thought God couldn’t test him more than he already had. But an ancient Sumerian temple, a pit of hell buried beneath some poor shepherds’ huts, taught him otherwise. As he rode a rickety elevator, sinking down further and further into new layers of hell, his forehead burned with heat, his mind feverish as thoughts swirled through his mind. Was this punishment from God? What laws had he transgressed? Perhaps he’d been cowardly when he only meant to be careful. Or perhaps he held too much love for some of his fellow men.

Then, as if to dispel the thought, God made the impossible happen: his former enemy risked his life, returning to hell to help him escape and see his son again. 

In the end, care for his fellow men is what helped save him.

Now it’s been more than half a year since the events at the Zagros mountains. The scorching fire has died down. He no longer feels the intense heat that has followed him throughout his life; Britain’s climate is more tepid. But sparks catch again when he visits his friend Jason in America. He makes a sarcastic comment when they watch a dumb wrestling program that has Jason working hard to suppress a grin. It doesn’t matter. Salim can see the devious glint in his eyes, the one that says Jason enjoyed his joke but thinks he shouldn’t let it show. He feels utterly comfortable with his friend, like he is back in the safety of the home he grew up in, free from judgment and free to act, and so he places his hand on the couch between them, palm up and inviting. 

He’s not surprised by Jason placing his hand into his own. It’s not even the second time he’s initiated such contact. And Jason’s spent enough time in his home country to know it’s a platonic gesture of friendship between men there. He said as much with a single, challenging look at Salim when they first held hands. 

No, he’s surprised by himself, by his own reaction. As he looks at the corner of Jason’s lips curving up, at the slight shake of his head as he watches TV, at the way their fingers slot together, a familiar warmth washes over him, like he’s sitting in front of a fireplace. The pleasing glow fills the very core of his being until he’s swimming in it. Seeing Jason’s happiness, being in his company and completely accepted for who he is, he brushes his thumb over the side of Jason’s hand, feeling that love again.

[yuzurujenn]

[2024.09.25] Newsweek Japan Oct 2024 - Special Feature: Yuzuru Hanyu's Message to Noto

Lending a Helping Hand

Someday you'll be able to smile - What Yuzuru Hanyu wants to convey to the disaster-stricken area of ​​Noto

Nine months have passed since the Noto Peninsula earthquake that occurred on New Year's Day this year. In this special feature, we highlight the thoughts of figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu, who experienced the Great East Japan Earthquake in his hometown of Sendai, Miyagi Prefecture, and continues to support disaster relief efforts, as well as the voices of young people who have begun their journey towards recovery in Wajima City, Ishikawa Prefecture. What can the lives of people living in the aftermath of the disaster teach Japan, a country prone to earthquakes?

Earthquake disasters take so much away from people. What they truly are can ultimately be understood only by those who have actually experienced them. At the same time, if there is something to be gained from a disaster, it can only be conveyed by those who have lived through it.

After achieving consecutive victories at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics and the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics, figure skater Yuzuru Hanyu announced his transition to professional status in July 2022. A native of Sendai City in Miyagi Prefecture, he experienced the Great East Japan Earthquake in his hometown on March 11, 2011, about three years before winning his first gold medal.

Hanyu spent several days after the disaster in an evacuation center with his family, and experienced a period when he was unable to practice properly because his home skating rink was closed. Over the past 13 years, he has supported disaster victims and engaged in relief activities for disaster-stricken areas throughout Japan.

On September 14, he participated in a skating class in Kanazawa City, inviting elementary school students from Ishikawa, Toyama, and Fukui Prefectures, who were affected by the Noto Peninsula earthquake. The following day, on the 15th, he performed alongside Akiko Suzuki, Satoko Miyahara, and Takahito Mura in an ice show titled “Noto Peninsula Reconstruction Support Charity Performance.”

Although the performance was held without an audience, public viewings were conducted in the disaster-stricken cities of Suzu, Wajima, Nanao, and Shika, and a paid streaming service was also offered to the general public. Proceeds will be donated to Ishikawa Prefecture (streaming is available on Lemino until September 30).

During a press conference after the performance, Hanyu was asked why he chose to skate in Ishikawa despite the event being streamed. He said, “I wanted to skate close to those who have suffered, those who are currently suffering, and those who are troubled by various things.”

Why does Hanyu have such deep sympathy for the victims and continue to convey his

memories of the disaster? If there is one thing he would like to convey to the people of Noto, what is it?

This magazine conducted an exclusive interview with Hanyu in Kanazawa City on September 15th. An hour and a half after the performance ended, Hanyu appeared at the interview location wearing the charity T-shirt. The fabric, dyeing, and sewing of the T-shirt are all "Made in Hokuriku," and on the front of the T-shirt is the word "CHALLENGE," the theme of the performance.

When asked about his feelings for Noto, Hanyu spoke about his own journey of continuing to challenge himself alongside the memories of the earthquake.

(Interviewers: Satoko Kogure and Nozomi Ohashi from the editorial team)

-In June of this year, Hanyu visited Wajima City for an interview with Nippon Television's news program "news every." What were your thoughts while skating at this charity performance?

My strongest wish was to make people smile, even if only a little. When I visited Noto, I couldn't forget the smiles on people's faces when they told me things like “It used to be like this” and “We had so much fun back then”. I realised that the smiles became fewer when talking about the present or the future, so I skated with the hope that people would smile in this "moment", and spread feelings of kindness and warmth.

-I heard that the production costs for the performance were kept low by not focusing on elaborate lighting, allowing as much of the revenue as possible to go to charity. You yourself have donated more than 300 million yen to ice rinks and disaster-stricken areas.

When the rink that I used as my training base became unusable due to the Great East Japan Earthquake, Shizuka Arakawa (Olympic gold medalist in figure skating) helped advocate for the restoration of the rink in Miyagi Prefecture and Sendai City.

I always think that it was these various circles of support and the thoughts of many people that led to my Olympic gold medal. That’s why I want to give back (donate) to the rink that helped me so much and to support those in the disaster-stricken areas who have cheered me on.

-You were 16 years old when the disaster struck Sendai City. I imagine that this experience had a big impact on your subsequent skating career. Can you tell us about your memories of the time of the disaster?

Just before the earthquake, there were several tremors, including one that was a magnitude 5, but it didn’t damage the rink. So, when the earthquake on March 11 happened, I initially thought we would be okay, and since the general public was also present, I felt I needed to calm everyone down, saying, “It’s okay, everyone.”

But gradually the earthquake got longer and stronger, and eventually the electricity went out, there was a loud sound of glass doors clashing, and the building began to crack so hard it seemed as if it might collapse... I experienced the earthquake amidst that deafening noise.

It was very tough at the time, but I kept my skates with me at all times. There was no electricity in the evacuation center, so I remember looking up at the sky and thinking, "The stars are so beautiful," and warming myself by a kerosene heater. Lifelines were not easily restored, and I had no time to think about skating. But many people organised charity performances, and that was the trigger for me to think that I had to practice skating again.

There was a sense of wanting to support the disaster-stricken areas through various ice shows, and I was able to continue skating with support such as being allowed to go to the rink early (before the show) to practice.

-I think there are some things that only those who have actually experienced it can talk about. What does it feel like to have the town you've lived in taken away in an instant?

I didn't lose anything, so to be honest, I don't feel it as much. You know how sometimes a familiar store renovates or moves? It felt like that happening all at once across the whole town, and a world I had never seen before suddenly appeared. Even though I thought, "It’s all broken," I didn't have time to feel sad about it.

-Two weeks after the disaster, you left Sendai and resumed skating practice at a rink in Kanagawa Prefecture. Even now, there are people in Noto who have been forced to leave their hometowns due to the disaster. What were your thoughts when you left your hometown?

I had things I needed to do, so out of that sense of mission, I felt I had no choice but to leave my hometown. It meant leaving my family behind, and I struggled thinking whether it was right for me to go alone. I always had the feeling that I had fled the disaster area.

Now I might think that there is no need to have such a feeling, but back then, I went (to Kanagawa) with a sense of mission to do the best I could, even though I was tormented by guilt.

-In the disaster-stricken areas of Noto, many of those who wanted to move into temporary housing by this summer have finally begun to regain their living conditions. While it’s quite challenging to shift focus from recovery to reconstruction, how do you remember the path to recovery based on your own experiences?

I was 16 years old, so I couldn't take any active steps to support the recovery. I had no choice but to wait for the government and local people to take action.

In that situation, I felt that I was given a role that only I could play, which was to work hard at skating for the people affected by the disaster. It wasn't a proactive or voluntary feeling, but more of a passive one.

Wherever I went, no matter how I skated, I was labelled a "skater from the disaster area." It felt like society had created it for me before I could even think about the meaning of skating as a skater from a disaster area. I didn't rebel against it, but I felt like various burdens were placed on my shoulders before I knew it.

-So, you could say that being from a disaster-stricken area become part of your identity?

It took many twists and turns before I could accept it. I had just entered high school and was in my second season as a senior (2011-12), and thanks to all the hard work I had put in, I was able to achieve results and even became a member of the Japanese national team. But I was frustrated that I was no longer seen as anything other than someone from the disaster area who was trying his best, and it was a tough time for me.

But then I read letters and messages of support from all kinds of people, and I started to think, "There's probably no one else who can receive this much support," and gradually (being from the disaster-stricken area) became a part of my identity.

-I believe you have turned your experience of the disaster and being from a disaster area into your strength. How can one transform such experiences into something positive?

It's really difficult, isn't it? You can't force someone to look forward, and what has happened so far and what will happen in the future is different depending on each person's position. But surely, a time will come when something happens. In my case, it was the supportive messages from everyone, as well as my results and failures, that provided me with the opportunity to accept the reality of the earthquake.

For example, in Noto, it could be when the water supply is restored, or that people no longer have to go to school in Kanazawa (away from their hometown), or they can start a business in a different place. I think that there are many different opportunities waiting for you. I think that in the process, people will gradually come to see their own way of life and the value of their own lives.

I think that the disaster is something that "shouldn't have happened." Absolutely. However, as sad as it is, what has happened cannot be undone. What has been lost cannot be brought back. However, at some point, we must accept and acknowledge that reality.

It may take decades, but the time will come when you will be able to smile again. I believe that, and I think it's okay not to push yourself and just let things take their course.

I can’t say I want people to smile right away, and I myself have found it difficult to visit places like Ishinomaki City in Miyagi Prefecture, which suffered from the tsunami. So much was lost there, and I hesitated, thinking if I had the right to go.

But I thought that by winning the gold medal, and achieving consecutive victories, by showing my gold medals and my performance, maybe I could provide a small trigger for others to feel, “I’ve worked hard too,” or “There is meaning to my life”, so I’ve finally been able to take action.

I'm sure that some sort of opportunity is waiting for everyone, so I want to say that it's going to be okay.

-If there is anything you’ve gained from the earthquake, what do you think it is?

I started to think a lot about life. I realised that the same time will never come again, and that this moment is truly a one-time experience.

I also think that I've come to live my life constantly thinking about my responsibilities.

-What do you mean by responsibility?

It's the responsibility to the people who gave me their time to watch my performance. I can't show them something half-hearted, I can't spend time without putting my life or heart into it. Also, as someone who survived the earthquake, I feel a sense of responsibility for how I live my life.

-You've seen a lot of things as a result of the earthquake, such as life and death, sadness and small joys. Do you feel that it has broadened the scope of your expression?

Yes, that’s how it turned out. It would be better if the disaster never happened. But since it happened, it has some kind of impact. The deeper the sadness, the happier you feel about the smallest things. After the earthquake, I was able to feel happiness in things like the sprouting of grass, something I wouldn't have been able to feel if I had always been happy.

And I also think that I feel a sense of happiness from having opportunities to talk with various people and share thoughts like this. I'm sure that each and every one of you has something that made you feel the way you do now.

-Is the happiness you felt when you were a competing athlete different from the happiness you feel now?

During my competitive days, the happiness I felt was more selfish, driven by the results I achieved.

Now that I'm a professional, I think what people who come to see my skating want is the kind of experience they can get through watching my performance, or the kind of expressions they can see, among other things.

When I think about it that way, I realised I'm doing it for the people around me... The time and energy I’ve dedicated for everyone connects directly to their smiles and emotions, and that truly makes me the happiest. Since becoming a professional, I’ve come to think more like this.

But I think that has always been a part of my personality. It’s a very trivial thing, but ever since I was a child, I have always felt happy when someone praised me. I would feel happy when someone looked at me and thought, 'That was good.' That’s probably the fundamental source of my happiness, and now it has just grown in scale.

-Today's solo performance was "Haru yo, koi". You performed this song in the ice show "Notte Stellata" (Italian for "A Starry Night") held in Miyagi Prefecture last March, with the aim of sending hope from the disaster area. Did you choose this song without hesitation this time as well?

Yes, I think this was the only choice. Most importantly, I hope for everyone to feel kindness. Of all the songs I’m currently skating to, "Haru yo, Koi" has the most heartwarming and familiar melody that resonates deeply.

This song was used in a morning drama in the year of the Great Hanshin-Awaji Earthquake (the theme song for the NHK morning drama "Haru yo, Koi" from 1994-95). It was also sung by Yumi Matsutoya for a charity project to support the recovery from the Great East Japan Earthquake, so I chose it because I felt a connection to it.

-The title of today's performance was "Challenge". What is your current challenge?

I think every day is a challenge. After all, when I think about wanting to deliver a good performance and for the audience to feel something from it, I realise that even if I perform the same performance, if there’s no improvement in it, it's unlikely that people will think it was “good”.

It's very difficult to continue evolving from a point that I consider to be complete, and that's the challenge for me. I think that the fact that I am alive now and going through each day is, in a sense, a continuous challenge, an ongoing challenge to protect my life. When I think about Noto or remember March 11, it feels like that’s what it is.

-Do you ever feel exhausted or lonely from continuously fighting and challenging yourself?

For example, in your daily life, when you come home from work and feel “I’m so tired”, I think that means you must have worked really hard (laughs).

Because what I do is showy, people pay attention to my every move and I get reported in the media for what I’ve done. But to me, this is just a part of my life.

Everyone has a lot of hardships in their daily lives, right? We rarely get praised for what we do. It's not so easy to hear things like, "Thank you for cooking dinner again today!" or "You worked hard today, that’s great!" I think that's just how life is.

Everyone is fighting hard every day. In my case, it’s just that my efforts are visible to everyone.

-Hanyu will turn 30 this December. What do you envision yourself doing at 40, 50, and 60 years old?

That’s just a future I can only imagine now, so I don’t really know how it will turn out, but I think I'll still be doing my best in the "now" at each moment.

As I said earlier, working hard or fighting is the same in any field, and even when there’s no work, or if I’m just playing games, I’m sure I’m still fighting in my own way.

There are days when I feel lonely despite being surrounded by people, and days when I can feel the warmth and kindness of those around me, and I think that this will never fundamentally change.

Since what I’m doing is on a large scale, I feel great happiness and also great sadness. But I think the range of those emotions is probably the same as everyone else’s.

I don't know if I'll still be skating when I'm 40. It might be impossible by 60, but I believe the range of emotions I have will remain constant throughout my life.

-How do you feel in your daily life now? Are you happy?

Yes, I’m happy. Because everyone is happy.

-So that’s what happiness means to you.

I mean, living day to day can be surprisingly tough, right? Sometimes I think, "It’s such a hassle to eat..." Ah, this might just be me though (laughs).

For example, even if I want to sleep all day or live carelessly, society doesn’t really allow for that. There are rules in the world, and we have to live according to them. I think everyone is doing their best within those rules.

In the realm of skating, I’m doing my best within the rules of skating. I have to face thousands of people with my one life, and I may think, "I don’t have the energy for tens of thousands of people!" But still, I try my best.

So, even if not everyone in the audience thinks it was great, if even one person feels happy because of it, that’s enough to make me feel rewarded and happy. So, I think right now is probably the happiest I've ever been.

-At the press conference in July 2022 when you turned professional, you said, "For me, the existence of Yuzuru Hanyu is heavy." Does that still hold true?

Honestly, I’ve never thought that it wasn’t heavy. But I think this weight makes me reflect deeply on the meaning of my life.

Of course, there were times when I felt like I was becoming disconnected from the so-called Yuzuru Hanyu that the general public sees, and there were times when I struggled with negative feelings because I couldn’t keep up with that image.

However, it’s precisely because I am Yuzuru Hanyu that I want to live my life to the fullest. As long as there is a place for me to perform and a society that has high expectations of me, I have to keep working hard. Perhaps "I have to work hard" has a similar meaning to "I have to live." That's what I think.

Source: Newsweek Japan Oct 2024 issue, pg 18-25 Online: https://www.newsweekjapan.jp/stories/culture/2024/10/517791.php Info: https://x.com/Newsweek_JAPAN/status/1837401474730520872

[itwasrealtome]

AGENT GRAY

Chapter Eight • The Heart of the Matter

TAGLIST FORM

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⚠️ DO NOT READ IF THIS MIGHT TRIGGER YOU

Olivia Benson x fem! FBI Agent OC

Summary: Alexis finally gives some news after two months. Olivia has dinner with Ed and realizes that he doesn't consider the same future as her.

Content Warning: Usual SVU & Violent Crimes talk • Mention of the Religion Case, Verses, Murder, SA, Bible,  killer being named The Preacher, mention of serial killing, mention of Quantico

*

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4

Manhattan, LANGFORD HOUSE

07:42 AM

The kitchen was still half-dark, lit only by the dim winter light filtering through the frosted window and the slow steam curling from two mugs of coffee. The scent of toasted bread hung in the air, untouched. It was one of those slow, peaceful mornings, undisturbed by criminals or the boundless energy of a little girl.

Ava sat at the table, legs curled beneath her, flipping through her school program for the day ahead. She had tidied up the classroom of everything connected with the end-of-year festivities. No more Christmas trees, lights or window stickers. She had to regain the focus of all these little human beings on the essentials–language, motor skills and sociability. All this before another holiday.

Across from her, Miles leaned into his laptop, his expression tense–eyes tracking the blinking cursor on the screen as if willing it to turn into something else. Anything else. He hadn't slept much. Not since before the holidays. Not since the Preacher. Not since Alexis left.

He had worked on the case alongside the Special Victims Unit, day and night, no matter how tired he was or how much he locked himself away in his Bible again. He spent most of his time at the 16th precinct, squeezed onto a piece of Rollins' desk, under the scrutinizing eye of Rafael Barba. Carisi knew the subject well too, but had a completely different perspective. The Preacher, as the press had named him, had in him all the darkness Miles had tried to escape all his life.

He'd struck again, leaving more verses behind, just enough to mock the whole team on his tail. He'd gone after two other families outside New York, and had found a new target. Again. One morning, just as Miles was about to go mad, his unit chief, Reynolds, put him out of his misery. The case was taken away from him. It now belonged to the Quantico team.

And with that came Miles' breath again.

As he scrolled through the headlines, not really reading, just keeping his hands busy, the screen blinked with a soft ping. Miles blinked, too, surprised. A video chat request lit up the screen, the name making his chest tighten.

ALEXIS GRAY

He answered before the moment could pass. The video feed flickered to life, grainy and rough from distance, then sharpened just enough to catch Alexis' face, a backdrop of grey sky and blurred aircraft looming behind her.She wore her fatigue jacket half-zipped over her body armor, a comms earpiece slung around her neck. Her hair was tied back haphazardly, wind whipping strands loose across her forehead. Bruises darkened the curve of her cheekbone and a butterfly bandage held tight to her brow–but she smiled, crooked and easy.

—Well damn, Miles said, almost on a breath. Look who decided to check in.

—Good morning to you too, sunshine.

The agent had almost never enjoyed such friendly bickering. His partner could have called him any number of names, he was just happy to see her safe and sound.

—Lex, thank God. We've been climbing walls over here.

Ava was already leaning toward the screen, relief warming her voice. She had left her chair for the one next to her husband, so close just so she could be fully in frame too.

—Yeah, I figured. Alexis said. Sorry. It's been–hell.

Her voice cracked faintly on the word, like it carried more weight than she meant to let on. Behind her, there was the low roar of an engine starting up and the bark of orders being shouted, muted by distance. Her eyes flicked over her shoulder. She didn't have much time.

—How are you, hun'?

—Alive. Mostly in one piece. Can't really complain.

—What happened?

Miles' question was simple. He watched his friend touch the bandage with a slight wince, her lips sealed as the words sought meaning. She could never reveal anything. Nor a place. Nor a date. Let alone a name.

—It was just a small complication. We got the objective. Everyone made it back.

Ava softened her tone, face still taut with worry. The commander had already been out on at least three deployments since they first met. Short periods here and there. Not to mention that famous week of annual training. It should have been a relief to see the young woman return each time, but the couple held their breath with each new departure.

—We've got Champ, by the way. He's doing good. Sweet as ever. Sleeps by Charlie's bed every night.

That pulled a true smile from Alexis, tired but genuine. She had done everything to get the dog out of his army assignment. Everything to bring him home, safe, away from danger, away from anything that could have cost him his life. It had already been six years since she first adopted him. Four since they had both had a taste of civilian life.

—Thank you for taking him in. He's... he's all I've got when I'm not out here.

—He misses you, Ava said. So does Charlie.

—How is she?

The little girl hadn't gone a single day without asking about her auntie Lexi. From the minute she opened her eyes to the minute she closed them again at Champ's side in the evening. She wanted to climb on her aunt's lap when she came to the house, run after her in the park, and get a few treats on the sly.

—Thriving, Miles answered. Still calls you her hero. Demanded to draw you in full FBI gear with a cape last week.

That laugh–the one that only surfaced around the Langfords–bubbled up, raspy and warm. Alexis rarely laughed in such a way. She was always so serious, so focused on her surroundings. It was only something she allowed herself in the heart of their home–in the heart of her closest family.

—Tell her she got the outfit right.

They stood in the warmth of it for a moment. The kind of quiet that felt full, not heavy. Two months away and yet just a few seconds were almost enough to make them forget all about it.

—Lex... Ava hesitated. There was a case while you were gone.

It wasn't her place to explain such a thing, but she knew Miles well enough to know he wouldn't say anything himself. He glanced toward her sharply, but didn't speak. He couldn't.

—What kind of case?

Alexis straightened slightly, instantly more alert despite the distance between them. She saw Ava looking toward her husband, concerned. He didn't try to stop her.

—Family, she said quietly. They were murdered. The daughter and mother were assaulted. The father and son were forced to watch. It was... bad.

Miles' jaw tensed, but he kept his gaze low. It was enough to alert his partner. If he had nothing to say, it meant everything.

—He left verses, Ava continued, her voice gentler now. Biblical passages. Written on the walls. The floors. Mirrors.

There was a flicker of understanding in Alexis' eyes. She looked toward her partner, watching the tension in his shoulders. She knew everything about him, from his unconditional love for his wife to his darkest secrets. Under normal circumstances, she would have taken the lead on the case, forced him to go home early, let her handle things her way.

—Miles, she said quietly. You're okay?

—I didn't want you worrying about it out there, he confessed, voice low. I know how you are. You'd want to come back. You'd blame yourself for not being here.

She didn't deny it. He was right. Family was family, and nothing could stop her from coming home. Since her move to New York, Alexis had taken Miles under her wing. They were glued at the hip. She had his six and he had hers.

—You're not alone, you know. Even when it feels like it.

The aircraft behind her let out another sharp hiss. She turned her head toward it, nodding slightly off-screen. Time went by too quickly. Soon, she would be back on a flight to another destination. The last one, with hope.

—You should've told her.

Alexis blinked, her eyes finding the two faces on her screen. There was so little time left before she had to hang up. Was this really something the man wanted to dwell on?

—Told who?

—Benson.

The commander looked away for a split second, like the name had brushed too close to something she didn't want touched. She knew that sooner or later Miles would bring the subject up. But she had so little time.

—I didn't think it was relevant.

—She's asked about you. A lot.

—She's my colleague.

Miles gave her a look. The one that seemed to say 'you really think I'm going to believe that'. He had spoken with Olivia. Many times. He knew about the help his partner was providing, about the dinners spent in the Lieutenant's office, about the nights of work.

—Come on, Lex.

—I'm serious.

—Yeah, and I'm not blind.

Alexis sighed and rubbed the side of her face, wincing slightly when her fingers brushed a bruise. She didn't want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. Olivia Benson was only a colleague from an NYPD unit. They had already worked with the police. She didn't see the problem.

—There's been talk, Miles said slowly. About her and Tucker. Trouble in the air.

The woman frowned but didn't react much. That was the thing about her—she didn't show anything she didn't want you to see. He saw it anyway. The way her shoulders went a little stiffer, the way she didn't blink.

—Okay, she shrugged. Why are you telling me this?

Miles didn't answer right away. He just studied her through the grainy video feed, head tilted slightly, brows pulled together. She hated that look–the one that said he saw too much, knew her too well, could read her without her needing to speak.

He leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest.

—Because I know you. And I know you pretend like it doesn't mean anything. But I saw the way you started to open up around her. The way you looked at her.

—It's not like that.

Ava tilted her head, leaning closer to the screen. Since her husband had told her all about the two women, she was just as invested as he was. It was simple to recognize the signs when you knew a person as well as they knew Lexi.

—Isn't it?

Their friend glanced toward the plane again. Her ride was clearly getting ready to board. The noise picked up again in the background.

—I leave. That's what I do, she said at last, quieter now. It's easier that way.

—Easier doesn't always mean better, Lex.

She didn't answer that. Instead, she shifted the phone in her hand, her fingers tightening a little over the case. Her voice softened again, this time with a thread of genuine care.

—Tell Charlie I'll be home soon. And give Champ a treat for me, or he'll hold a grudge.

—We love you, Ava said, firm and sure.

Miles barely had time to remind her to be safe. She was gone. The screen blinked black, leaving them in a familiar quiet. The kind they didn't welcome, but knew how to hold space for.

—She always comes back.

*

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7

Manhattan, Vanessa's Restaurant

08:16 PM

The gentle hum of conversation floated above the low clinking of cutlery and glasses. Vanessa's, nestled near the heart of Manhattan, carried the kind of upscale coziness Olivia had always preferred–dim lighting, cloth napkins, waiters who knew your name, and no need to shout to be heard. Outside, the streets were slick with slush, the kind of wet cold that sunk into your bones. Inside, it was warm, nearly too warm. The kind of comfort that softened things you weren't ready to face.

Olivia sat across from Ed, a nearly empty plate in front of her–pan-seared halibut, barely touched. His fork scraped gently across his dish, the last bites of steak and roasted potatoes disappearing as he ate with quiet, deliberate motions. The wine had been poured, the candle flickering between them had burned low, and it had the feeling of a night winding down. Or maybe, it had never really started.

Ed set down his fork and leaned back slightly, hands resting around the base of his glass. He'd been sitting on something all evening. The Lieutenant could tell–she always could. The way he kept glancing past her, as though watching the window rather than looking at her directly, had only confirmed it.

—I've been thinking, he said finally, voice low, steady. About putting the shield down.

Olivia blinked slowly. She looked up fully now, trying to read his expression.

—You mean... retiring?

—Yeah. Not just from IAB. From the job.

The words hung between them, weighty and final in a way he didn't try to soften. She searched his face, unsure if he wanted her to talk him out of it–or just listen. He looked tired, not physically, but in the way someone does when they've spent too long on the front lines of something they no longer believe in.

—I've done the work, Liv. All of it, Ed continued. And I'm not ashamed of that. But I keep thinking... I don't want to keep running until there's nothing left for me. I want mornings without a pager. I want to sleep without my phone under the pillow.

His smile was faint, but it lacked apology.

—I want peace.

Olivia sat back slightly in her chair, her thumb brushing unconsciously across the surface of her wine glass. She'd heard people say it before—about needing out, about being tired. Hell, she'd said it once or twice herself. But Ed wasn't just talking about leaving the job. He was talking about a whole new kind of life.

—You never said you were considering it.

—I've been sitting with it for a while, he admitted. And not just stepping away from the job... but maybe finally starting something real. Something stable.

He reached slightly across the table—not touching her, but close enough to suggest them. The idea of a life outside the NYPD. One where Olivia wouldn't need to keep her badge in her coat pocket or sleep with her phone beside the pillow. One where they'd share mornings instead of brief evenings. There was gentleness in his expression, but also something firm. Intentional.

—I think I want that. With you.

Her phone buzzed on the table, lighting up. A single vibration—just a message. Olivia's eyes flicked down, and all at once the restaurant, Ed's  voice, the clink of forks—it all softened into the background.

Miles Langford.

Her heart paused, her hand closing over the phone before she could think better of it.

Got a call from Alexis. She's okay. Busted up, butterfly bandages, looks like hell, but she's okay. Boarding another military flight. Can't say where.

She stared at the words, rereading them once, then again. Alexis. Gone since the morning after Halloween. No goodbye, no details, just one of those black-op disappearances Miles couldn't explain and she couldn't ask about.

She didn't realize her thumb had tightened against the screen until she felt the ache.

Across the table, Ed watched her carefully.

—Everything alright?

She lifted her eyes, blinking like she'd just returned to the room.

—Yeah. Just... work.

He didn't push. Not immediately. But the lightness from before was gone. The tone had shifted.

—You've been distracted lately, he said after a moment. Always at the precinct. Always somewhere else.

Olivia exhaled slowly, forcing the phone face-down on the table.

—I'm trying. I really am.

—I know you are. But this–us–it doesn't work unless we both show up for it.

She nodded once, fingers curled around the rim of her cup again. Her voice was quiet.

—You're talking about a whole life change. I just... I wasn't expecting that tonight.

Ed tilted his head, almost surprised.

—We've been circling for months.

—I know, she murmured. And you're right. You deserve something stable. Something that doesn't leave you waiting at restaurants.

Her boyfriend watched her with the kind of patience that came from years on the job–he didn't press, didn't demand answers. But the weight of what he'd said still hung between them like steam off their untouched dinner plates.

—I meant it. I want to build something that isn't just chasing ghosts through this city. I want something real. With you.

Olivia looked up. There was no question that she cared. That was never the issue. But the way her jaw tightened, the subtle crease between her brows—it was the look of someone who knew she couldn't give what was being asked of her, not the way he wanted it.

Maybe that was part of what had been missing all along. Not just timing. But connection.

Real, terrifying, unspoken connection.

*

TAGLIST: @nciscmjunkie @makkaroni221 @thefatobsession @certainlychaotic @ginasbaby @kiwiana145 @kobayashi-fr

[mikazuki1709]

Hot Spring Diplomacy | Ratiorine Fic

Fandom: Honkai: Star Rail

Ship: Dr. Ratio/Aventurine, Ratiorine

Rating: G

Words: 2.737

Tags: Hot Springs & Onsen, Aventurine Has a Crush, Protective Dr. Ratio, Fainting, Attraction, Soft Dr. Ratio

Summary: On a business trip together, Aventurine and Ratio find themselves together in a hot spring - and Aventurine has to learn that the power of hot spring diplomacy should not be underestimated.

Preview:

Sometimes, the past caught up with Aventurine in the most unfair ways. Today was such a day. 

“I'm incredibly sorry, sir, but we do not allow tattoos in our place. I'm inconsolable, but I cannot grant you access.”

The lady who was standing at the entrance to the hotel’s hot spring looked like she really meant it, but of course that did not change the facts. Once again, the visual reminders of his past as a slave were interfering with Aventurine’s new ‘freedom’. 

The others looked at him, and Aventurine could tell that they felt a little unsure what to do. This was supposed to be the final part of the business trip which had brought them to this remote hotel out in the mountains in the first place. He could almost read everybody’s mind. The schadenfreude of the other party, the insecurity of his subordinates - the only one who was a little harder to read was Ratio, who had joined the meetings as a more or less neutral expert. He was standing there with his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking at the scene with furrowed brows. Did he disagree with what was happening or was he just annoyed by the delay it caused? It felt impossible to tell, and Aventurine lacked the time to give it more thoughts. 

He called over his subordinates and instructed them with what to say and do. His initial plan would not work without him, for the two men he had brought along lacked the boldness to use the IPC’s knowledge about the other party’s financial situation and shady dealings against them with a smile on their face like Aventurine would have done it, but there was little he could do against this now. 

Or maybe, this was not really true, he thought when Ratio suddenly showed up next to him. Out here in public, it was impossible to fill him in on the details, but a brief look into those intelligent eyes convinced Aventurine that he had at least grasped half of his plan anyway. They gave each other a small nod, and it really helped to put Aventurine's mind at ease. If things really started to go downhill, Ratio would step in. That was a great relief.

Still, the next hours were going to be boring. Aventurine might have just headed back to his hotel room to do some additional work on his laptop, but he did not feel like it. So instead, he found himself a nice spot at a window, with a great view over the surrounding landscape. 

It was winter and very cold, and unfortunately, today the sky was cloudy. It made everything look darker and pretty devoid of life, which did little to improve Aventurine's mood. It really would have been a perfect day for a bath in the hot springs. To him, it even would have been a first-time experience. Also, he would have to lie if he pretended that he had not at least looked a little forward to getting a closer look at a certain someone's impressive abs in the process. It might easily have been a once-in-a-lifetime chance for him!

He sighed and grabbed his phone. Might as well take the time and play a little game or two. And while he started pretty much unenthusiastic, in the end he was still playing when he finally heard the others leave the bath.

After he had convinced himself that everything had gone well, the official part of this business trip was over, and his subordinates soon retreated to enjoy the hotel bar together. Aventurine had initially thought about doing the same, but he knew his presence would only make them feel unwell, so he excused himself. There was a TV in his hotel room, so his plan was to search for any slightly entertaining program and call it a day.

That was when he was unexpectedly addressed from behind.

“Any plans for the evening, gambler?” 

It was Ratio. Aventurine gave him a smile. 

“Does watching sitcoms in my room count as a plan? If not: no.”

Apparently, the idea of wasting his time away like this offended the doctor. It was easy to read from his features how unhappy he was with that reply. 

“If you are still interested in visiting a hot spring, I might have an alternative for you.”

[...]

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