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zuzsenpai · 3 months ago

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Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

#Zuzu note;#personal post for ts #tw mental illness #mental health mention #thoughts on autism #tw verbal abuse #tw emotional abuse

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coyotepawsteps · 1 year ago

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my genderqueer autistic ass having an epiphany about my general dislike for vcing (voice chatting) while in the middle of watching neurodivergent & queer tiktok compilations

usually i’m pretty okay with & prefer being in vcs with people who talk while i stay muted, and most of the time i just say that i “don’t really like talking in vcs” without elaborating on that too much but like. i’m gonna spend some time using tumblr as a way to put actual words to a lot of the deeper reasons for this feeling that i’m starting to notice! bc who am i if not a little autistic creature who wants to infodump to people except it’s a lot more comfortable to do so using a platform that feels more like a personal journal than a social media site!! i write all this for myself but i also want it to be in a space where other people can see it, relate to it, share their own experiences, etc.!

(and, with that mention of people sharing their own experiences, please feel free to reply to or reblog this with some of your own thoughts or experiences on this topic, because i’m genuinely curious how other people feel about this kind of thing!!)

i feel insecure about the way i perceive my voice as “too feminine”, i want to present online as a vague gender-fucky creature most of the time but i feel like people hearing my voice will ruin that kind of presentation. after listening to some of those “this is my voice [timeframe] on t” clips, i kinda realized that if my voice was deeper — something more neutral, or vaguely “boyish” but not exactly — this specific bullet point wouldn’t be much of a problem anymore

again a point specifically about my voice itself — i don’t think that i can really regulate the..i guess emotion in my voice? sometimes i speak completely flat monotone, sometimes i feel like i talk in a tone that doesn’t properly convey my current emotions or fit the situation, sometimes i feel like i can be way too hyper-expressive especially when i’m like. feeling really positively, like if i’m happy or excited or laughing at something. i also feel like i talk more high pitched in those latter situations which doesn’t help with the vocal-based gender dysphoria

i frequently describe myself as socially awkward. i am kinda bad when it comes to having conversations with people. there isn’t really any time at all to like, properly process what the other person has said & then reply to it accordingly while having vocal conversations, most of the time you just gotta wing it and hope you get it right. texting is a lot easier for me because then i do have that time to process what was said, and think of how to respond to it, and i have time to reread my response (and change it if need be) before sending it

this is something that i do sometimes mention in my original “i just don’t like talking in vcs” statement to people (just not with this much level of detail & explanation to it) — i feel like i express myself a lot better through writing/texting/messaging than i do speaking. ties in a lot with my emotional regulation/tone of voice bullet point; i express emotions a lot better through textual means. if i’m particularly hyper or expressing strong emotions like anger, excitement, joy, etc. then i usually write in all-caps and type fast enough that i make frequent typos. same thing for if i’m laughing at/about something i find really funny, plus with an add-on of keysmashing (there’s no good vocal equivalent to a really good keysmash). emojis and/or emoticons are really nice to use for conveying emotion wordlessly (some personal usage examples: 😭 for laughing or sometimes genuine sadness/upset depending on the situation; 😂 is also good for laughing/amusement [although i go through cycles of how often i actually use it; some times it’ll often be the only emoji i use for laughing, others i use the sobbing one a lot more and almost never touch this one, and others i rely more on text emoticons or abbreviations]; my most common emoticons are xD, :D, :), and :( with some variations depending on circumstance [e.g. >:) for a more “devilish”/mischievous use]; and, though they aren’t exactly emojis or emoticons, i frequently use abbreviations like “lmao” and “lol” interchangeably with them, with lmao being for actual strong amusement and lol being like a more toned-down “ha ha” kinda thing.) there is, of course, also the bonus of tone-tags being an option in textual conversation, although i don’t tend to use them too frequently unless i’m aware that something i’m saying could be taken in the wrong way by the other person (e.g. if i’m saying something i really mean, i won’t really use tone-tags for it, like if i’m telling a friend “i like playing games with you”; but if i’m joking around with someone while using a flat tone — like a message without any emoji usage, caps, purposeful typos, etc. — i will usually use tone-tags there, for example “i hate you so much /j”)

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jazzhandsmcleg · 4 months ago

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tomorrow is my last day at my current job, which was only ever a three-year contracted position. I don't yet have anything else lined up to replace it, and it's not for lack of trying. in fact, I'm waiting to hear from one place to see if they want to interview me, and waiting to hear from another place who said they'd make a decision this week. but I don't know what's coming next. if not one of those two places -- and in fact even if it is the second place; it doesn't pay a whole lot and I have a shiny new car loan to pay off -- I'm going to have to go out and get a retail job or two while I wait for my professional prospects to improve. story of my generation, right?

I've done that before. I don't really want to do it again, but I'll do it if I have to and it'll be fine.

work the last few days have been odd. I've been trying to wrap up one last project, and the deadline of "Friday" has really put me in the zone. I blink and ninety minutes have gone by. blink again and it's lunch time. lunch today was odd, too. my boss ordered in pizza and a salad and all of us commandeered the lunchroom and shot the shit for almost an hour, aka almost twice as long as our government-mandated lunch breaks. I often get weird about eating with people and COVID is always more or less a concern, so I've never actually eaten with any of my coworkers before. they gave me a card, cleverly done up to look like a governmental record. even the people I've seldom interacted with, even the lady who I suspect doesn't really like me very much, added a nice thing or two to it.

tomorrow I'm taking a cake and some popcorn for everyone to eat, as a little reciprocal goodbye gift. if it weren't for that and for the project I have to finish tomorrow (and, well, for the eight hours of vacation pay transferred to cash I'd be giving up), I'd be tempted to just call out tomorrow and go out without any awkward goodbyes. but it'd be kind of rude to do that to my coworkers, who are a pretty good bunch of people. but I'm not ready to leave. but I've been ready to leave for at least a year and a half at this point. but I've known when I was going to be leaving, at the absolute latest, since the day I was hired.

you know a place after three years, you know? it matters in the way all things do after three years. it's weird to think, I will likely never see these people again. it's a bit of a relief. it's a bit sad. after three years, it's mostly just weird.

I'm so tired. I'm a little glad I evidently don't have anything lined up, because it means I get to take next week to "do nothing"...by which I mean I will clean and apply for retail jobs that I hope will hire me even though I haven't done customer service since 2019 and tackle some home projects I've been putting off and cook and. life goes on.

I'm so tired. I drove home today in an exhausted fugue, my mind stretched out and my back sore from craning over papers all day. I sat down to do my budget before I make the cake, and found myself dissatisfied with all my music. I made a new station on Pandora -- well, technically pianobar -- that spun off from The War on Drugs, and got Under the Pressure, eight and a half minutes of serious, dreamy guitar and solo tenor vocals, with a little brass on the side.

under the pressure indeed.

I opened up realtor.com instead of my budget spreadsheet and started looking at pictures of pretty houses in my area. they're all still out of my price range for the foreseeable future, and it's odd because today I can't even imagine myself living in any of those houses. all of my problems would just be there with me instead of here. is that realization maturity?

life sure does go on.

#Jazz notes #food mention #I'm kind of in the headspace one normally gets to by napping from 1pm to 6pm #that soft fuzzy sense of confusion without urgency and with only a little displeasure even though you can tell you should be feeling more #so here's some train of thought prosetry for you all I guess

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didnt-hear-idsb-live-again · 5 months ago

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hi holly!! i love ur blog and i hope ur well <33

don’t feel like you have to answer this if you don’t want but?? i’m turning 25 in october and i’m feeling really like… anxious embarassed for how little i’ve seriously dated. some of that has to do with anxiety and body confidence, some of it is just that i haven’t found anyone i i’ve super clicked with. i’ve been on dates, but i’ve only ever kissed one person, and even that was more of an ill-defined ~situation than a relationship. i know logically that everyone is on there own timeline but part of me just feels really singled-out and like i’m “running out of time” ((which i know is ridiculous lmao, brains be like that.))

i’m moving soon and i feel like it would be a good time to. idk. reset a bit on my concept of dating and try to put myself out there, but also. scary. how does anyone do that.

tldr; do you have any advice? (but also, again, pls don’t feel pressured to answer <33)

Hi bestie I’m sorry for the delay on this, I wanted to wait until I was able to give it my full attention!!!

I totally get what you’re saying here - even though everyone’s at their own pace, it doesn’t make it any less anxiety inducing to feel “left behind”. And hearing you say some of it has to do with having anxiety and body confidence, something I very much relate to, I can see very easily how its one of those things that feeds into itself: the more time goes on and the more you feel left behind in this way, the more it would make me feel MORE anxious and body conscious, the harder it would make it for me to feel confident enough to pursue someone or move forward etc etc.

I want to say 2 things here, the first one being more spicy and vulnerable than I’ve been on this blog in a very very long time (so sorry if this is like, totally out of the blue to anyone new who reads on,,, we used to be like this every day): when I was a bit younger than you - like 23 - I was in a very similar, albeit not identical, situation. While I had been in a serious relationship for 5 years, he was extremely cold to me and non-communicative about sex, and we only had like. Missionary position sex and didn’t even kiss. I hadn’t done anything with anyone else other than him beyond kissing. And he was also lowkey emotionally abusive so I had no body confidence either. So when we broke up, in a lot of ways it felt very much like I was starting over as a 23 year old who had no experience beyond kissing and that was DREADFUL. I felt scared, I felt embarrassed to even engage in anything sexual because I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing when most people my age did, etc. When I first hooked up with my current boyfriend, in hindsight I was SO remarkably inexperienced. And it just simply… didn’t matter to him. The right person will be vocal and communicative with you about what they want, they won’t care if you’re nervous, they won’t care if things are awkward. It’ll flow naturally and where it doesn’t it won’t be a big deal, and if it is they aren’t your person and you’ll be on to the next. So that’s that end of it - I promise promise PROMISE you, while to that end it feels like A Lot, if the person is right for you it won’t be. And if it doesn’t feel right you can just change your mind and leave - at any point! So while this is easier said than done, moving on to my 2nd bit, just keep this aspect of that in mind.

In terms of moving to a new place and wanting to start over, I think this is a great idea and you absolutely should. I think you’ll hopefully make a lot of new friends, and a new friends obviously comes with the benefit of like “maybe there’s someone for me within that group”, but even if there’s not - make it known you’re looking for someone! I’m a much bigger fan of making irl connections, and the first step to that is like, making it public knowledge you’re looking. Maybe one of the first friends you meet will have a coworker who’s a great guy etc etc. you won’t know unless you talk about it, if that makes sense? So I’d just recommend making it known to people, even though it feels awkward and annoying. Talk to your coworkers and ask if they know anyone or know of a good place to meet people, your new friends, etc etc etc. and like I said im not a fan of dating apps for myself, but I also know they can be REALLY helpful with moving to a new place. I know lots of people that met on dating apps when they moved to a new city, and wound up just being best friends. View it as practice talking to people that may work out, but if nothing else you’ll get more experienced going on dates etc!

I hope this helps bestie. Please keep me updated I wish you the very best of luck!!!

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sunskate · 2 years ago

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tw: sexual assault, abuse

Ashley Wagner IG stories May 4, 2023 about USFS hiring Kelsey Parker Gislason as their Senior Manager of High Performance Management

Hello hello, I have some figure skating tea, which is usually my least favorite kind of tea because it means someone's being bad for no good reason. Now it can be really awkward for me to talk about things in figure skating because I work in the sport and really do want to maintain a positive relationship so that I get hired to do things and people want to be around me. But goddammit it is so hard sometimes. Okay, so let's get into it -

So post-Olympic cycle it's super common to see a lot of movement in administration. You will have staff leave because they've been super burned out, and they'll move onto other jobs. There's just a lot of shuffling going on. So it's not a surprise that we've been seeing this kind of movement. It happens every single Olympic cycle. And I genuinely don't care about the hiring process of US Figure Skating- I'm not that emotionally invested in it. But there's a lot of opportunity to move this organization forward toward a culture of safeety that is informed by the needs that so many athletes have been bringing up. But why would we do that? Why would we use this opportunity to grow when we could just repeat things and do them the same way we've always done them.

I'm going to explain why this is so complicated: so, first part of it that's complex. This person is related to a top official withing our organization and so US Figure Skating loves to hire people they know, which I completely understand. Skating is such a small insular community, so of course like a little bit of that nepotism is going to exist. It's inevitable. Not that many people know about skating. But skating can be learned. It's such an oportunity to bring in a fresh perspective. Someone to be like, tha'ts kind of weird how you guys do that. We need more people to challenge us on this culture because it's so normalized, and it's JUST NOT NORMAL. So that is the first issue here.

The second issue, and the one that really affects me, which is why I'm talking about this in the first place is that around the time that women including myself were coming forward with our experiences of sexual assault with John Coughlin, this individual was extremely vocal against the truth of our experiences, and I want to make it clear that in this position, this person is now a mandatory reporter. And I'm sorry if my trust has been compromised in this person's ability to believe survivors and approach this and many of these delicate situations of sexual assault with any ounce of respect, dignity or appropriate care.

Now I don't believe that she is directly really the root of the issue here. I believe that people are absolutely allowed to continue to remember positive experiences and still have positive things to say about him. I don't expect my experience to completely negate every positive memory someone may have, and I don't want it to. I just want to point out that people are complex, and there absolutely is room for duality in the good and bad of what makes a person who they are. That's all I'm asking for, and so I really don't think that she is the issue here. She is absolutely allowed to believe whatever she wants to believe. But as soon as you put that out on social media, you should become unhirable for certain positions. And when this was one of the more profound scandals that has happened within an organization in the last decade, I think you should be hiring mindfully. And this just feels like one of the first things you would look into, or something you would consider

So this is a long winded way of just being like, what are we doing here? I feel like myself, I went to this organization, pointed out flaws, said I will work with you before I come out with my story so that we're in this together, and we can help make this better. And now what??

It just makes me feel like a lack of care in my experience and that it's years down the road so it doesn't matter as much anymore. But it affects me every single day. And you know, this individual has never approached me and apologized for publicly doing what she did. And I don't need her apology, but it's just a very loud and clear message from an organization that continues to not validate the experiences of the people that have been hurt because of it. And it's just the same $@#%& day.

#ashley wagner #she's a real one #having Kelsey Gislason in this position #makes skaters less safe

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death2normalcy · 2 years ago

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Since I’m officially done with the main guides to Stray Kids, I figured I’d do a couple fun guides, just for, well, fun. I’m done with the dynamics, but I didn’t want to stop making these, lmao. So, I thought it would be interesting to kind of explain the boys music, kind of like a summary of all the music they’ve put out. Not each song individually, that may be too much. But maybe the albums/mini albums/ EPs, etc.

This post once again skips around a bit and talks about the two compilation albums they made that includes their remade songs.

(Most of the info was taken from Wikipedia, or from my own listen of the album. I’ve gotten bits and pieces from other areas, but yea. If I got something wrong, or missed something important, please let me know!)

SKZ 2020

released in March 2020.

this one was released as a physical copy in Japan.

actually a compilation album, as well as their Japanese debut.

27 tracks in total, however, they are almost all re-recorded tracks that were remade after Woojin left the group in 2019.

there’s also 3 songs that were recorded in Japanese (My Pace, Double Knot, and Levanter)

the re-recorded songs on this one are: hellevator, beware, spread my wings, yayaya, district 9, mirror, grow up, my pace, voices, question, m.i.a., awkward silence, i am you, get cool, miroh, victory song, boxer, chronosaurus, 19, side effects, tmt, double knot, levanter, and astronaut

no new music videos, that I can tell, as this was mainly just a compilation album

there’s a lot that’s been said about these re-recordings, for sure. i’m not here to talk about all that, as this is meant to just be a guide, but if you’re interested in that kind of stuff, some stays have been vocal about their thoughts.

i think that other members were able to shine more in these newer versions and i’m grateful for that. one standout for me specifically is han on chronosaurus, but a lot of the vocal line is given more time to shine and it’s fantastic.

Peak Position - 3 on Japanese Albums chart.

SKZ 2021

released in December 2021, digitally only.

this is another compilation album that contains re-recorded versions of their previous songs minus Woojin.

this album contains 14 tracks, including the Korean version of scars.

it also contains the previous mixtapes, #1-5, only under their original titles, which in order are, placebo, behind the light, for you, broken compass, and hoodie season.

other songs featured on this album: awaken, rock, 3rd eye, insomnia, my side, n/s, 0325, and maze of memories

again, no music videos for this specific album. also, i don’t think this was an image for the album, but as i couldn’t seem to find out, i just used it.

WAIT. I almost forgot, there was a video. hold on, i’m gonna just copy and paste from wikipedia

The special music video of "Placebo", stated that it was made by the group's alter ego as SKZ Company personnel from their online program SKZ Code, was released on December 24.

Peak position - 5 on Japanese Digital Albums

there were a couple of songs that were never re-recorded. i’m unsure of why the exact reasoning is, maybe because they contained lyrics by woojin, or some other technical reason. either way, they are hero’s soup, school life, glow and 4419

Overall, not much to say about these two. I just wanted to make a quick post and get them out, so I can move on to other things, lol.

#Stray Kids #skz guide #skz #Skz 2020 #skz 2021 #skz thoughts #not too much more #and then i'll have finally finished this series lol

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simplymakkari · 2 years ago

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I posted 2,597 times in 2022

That's 1,037 more posts than 2021!

119 posts created (5%)

2,478 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@amazinggraceling

@jennathearcher

@somethingscarlet13

@robiinbuckley

@sirgnomethegiant

I tagged 1,773 of my posts in 2022

Only 32% of my posts had no tags

#eternals - 283 posts

#druig - 193 posts

#makkari - 192 posts

#drukkari - 164 posts

#moon knight - 129 posts

#stranger things - 99 posts

#inbox - 90 posts

#tumblr asks - 85 posts

#steven grant - 76 posts

#answered ask - 67 posts

Longest Tag: 94 characters

#makkari just hearing his vibrations when he's snoring and thinking its hilarious to record him

My Top Posts in 2022:

Please write some Drulkari sex headcanon.

Love all your fics! The lastest fic makes me tear up🥲

oh boy get that fan ready 😏

Druig and Makkari have definitely tried out every sex position known to mankind at least once (there is absolutely no way they've haven't and swung both ways.) Also they've definitely fucked on every surface of the Domo and Ajak's house just because they can (which led to some pretty awkward walk-ins from their family. Phastos has definitely caught them fucking in his lab, much to his dismay.)

Druig likes to leave the light on wherever they are so he can see Makkari and so she can read his lips and his signs and Druig to her. Makkari loves the consideration and thoughtfulness. Most of time, Makkari doesn't mind the dark and they're extremely attentive to each other, even without signing and she signs one-handed the usual stuff like -- deeper, harder, faster, there -- against his back or his chest for his benefit.

In a modern AU, Makkari likes to send sexy tease pics to Druig at work. Druig gets pretty flustered over her and can't stop thinking about her the whole day. Makkari plays innocent when he gets home. Druig just immediately strips and is down bad and horny af and says "D'ye know what ye do to me the whole day? C'mere." Sometimes they don't even make it into the bedroom and just fuck wherever they are -- wall, floor, table, couch, kitchen, no surface is untouched haha

Druig really, really loves Makkari's thighs/legs (c'mon have you seen those legs of hers?) and loves to kiss and run his hands all over them. He'll fuck between the gap of her thighs when she lets him. Makkari likes to tease him with this sometimes until he begs to be inside her.

Makkari likes to (kinda choke) put her hand on Druig's throat tenderly and vice versa. Druig knows it helps her know when he comes close. Druig is extremely vocal for Makkari and gets extremely mouthy and she loves feeling his ✨️ vibrations and moans ✨️ under her palm. Druig talks nonstop to her, tells her how good she feels, whispers encouragements in Irish and English for her. Makkari goes nuts for his voice and his accent and Druig purposely drops his voice sometimes and makes it deeper so she can feel the bass.

In sex, they definitely meet halfway but switch it up occasionally -- Makkari loves being fast but she'll take the slow, teasing pace from Druig and Druig loves being slow and teasing but he loves it when Makkari uses her speed to her advantage and it makes him feel like his dick is gonna fall off but oh boy, it's so worth it for him.

They definitely like to tease each other as foreplay and throughout their sessions. Druig just whispering "D'ye know what I'm gonna do to ye?" and Makkari just challenging him (sometimes she challenges him how quiet he can be and vice versa and Druig is extremely mouthy.) They make a bet sometimes to see how much they can come in one night and what limits they can push. There's a certain element of playfulness during their sessions as well and the neediness for close contact for them.

Druig seems like he is a pleaser and his duty is satisfy Makkari in anyway she wants. The second she gives him ✨️ those (bedroom) eyes ✨️, he just drops whatever he's doing and goes to town or poundtown.

Druig would eat Makkari's pussy whenever and in whatever location Makkari agreed to. He absolutely loves when she sits on his face. He can't get enough of her.

Makkari loves it when Druig maintains unwavering eye contact with her, whether he's fucking her or eating her out, she is a goner for the way his eyes look when he looks at her when he comes (so, so fucking blue and sometimes his eyes flash gold 🥵)

Druig has a praise!kink and loves when Makkari signs good boy to him. He also has a worship!kink and loves showering and showing Makkari all the love she deserves. Makkari does the same for him, telling him how beautiful he looks underneath her because Druig doesn't get enough compliments like she does. It's up to her to do it for him and she loves the way red blushes across his pale skin. She loves holding onto his biceps (she loves those biceps of his 🥵) when they fuck.

Makkari loves gently pulling and tugging on Druig's hair. She loves the way his hair feels under her fingers and her palms and how soft it is. Druig gets turned on even more whenever she tugs on it.

They both love to kiss and suck on each other's necks (c'mon the way they buried themselves into their necks in the beach scene???) Makkari does it more so to Druig since he loves, treasures and kisses her hands and her fingers.

With Makkari's consent, of course, Druig likes to use his mind control and it helps gives Makkari's hands some rest or to do other things if she wanted. Druig definitely has done some little kinky mind control, like edging Makkari and denying her orgasms at some point in their lives.

They like to do their iconic forehead touch™️ when they come.

They like to hold each other and cuddle or help each other clean up in the aftermath (cause aftercare is super, super hot). They also definitely check in with each other during their sessions as well to make sure everything is going okay.

They both can go hard-core or just sensual, comforting sex.

Makkari likes to steal Druig's clothes or wear his shirt in the aftermath.

Last but not least, their sex life thrives on almost getting caught lol

Druig: "Really, right now, baby?"

Makkari: "Right now. We can be quiet, right? You know you want this."

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"Makkari can see the blue of his pupils reflecting her own face so clearly when Druig turns fully in her direction, the downcast of his eyes finally flicking up to meet hers, tears glistening on his cheeks, his fingers reaching out, caressing along her jaw."

but stranger things have happened in the nighttime - chapter 4 [read here]

A beautiful, beautiful commission from @seancefemme 🥰

175 notes - Posted August 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

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#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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fallinfl0wers · 3 years ago

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hello!! c: I loved prompt 18 and so I was wondering if you could write something with childe, diluc and kaeya (separately) where your s/o is very excited for the date that was arranged, the reader gets dressed and puts on his/her best clothes, but then after waiting a long time for her partner, she realizes that he won't show up. Maybe after returning home find the character sleeping or doing something else? angst/hurt with comfort attempt pls? 😭

When he stands you up, and then apologizes

summary: you had both agreed to this date, you even planned it on advance so that it wouldn't interfere with his schedule together! ...so why isn't he here? includes: childe (19 bullet points), diluc (21 bullet points), kaeya (19 bullet points) format: bulletted headcanons + small dialogues warnings: reader being stood up, also i think this turned out to be really gender neutral? i think i didn't really use gendered words... thank you for your request! i hope you like it >< i'm still not very good at writing kaeya, so i hope this was okay;;

Diluc

Truth be told, you were already expecting this to happen. Deep down.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

You both had planned it with months of anticipation, too. He promised you he'd be here.

But here you were, coming back home after being stood up. You had waited for him for hours, and he never showed up.

So you were back at the winery, and he wasn't even there. The maids told you he had to attend... some business outside.

Just great, you thought as you entered your shared, empty room and put on some more comfortable clothing. He forgot about it.

When Diluc gets home late at night and goes to your room, he's greeted with you snacking on some cookies and reading a novel.

"Love?" "Oh, you're finally home. Hi."

Diluc feels guilty. The reason why he hadn't gone to your date was because he had received yet another threatening letter from the abyss order and had to take care of that as soon as possible.

It really wasn't his intention to stand you up!

Even if you know about his vigilante duties, he feels hesitant on telling you this.

He feels like it sounds like an excuse even if it isn't and he has proof.

So he kneels down next to the bed while you keep giving him the cold shoulder, hurt, yet trying not to show it to him.

"I'm sorry, love. I really am. I promise you this will be the last time something like this happens. Please let me make it up to you."

And making it up he does.

For the rest of the month, he clears his schedule as much as possible to spend time with you.

Whatever you want to get or do, he will get or do.

You want to eat your favorite cake? He'll get the maids to bake it for you.

You want to visit Liyue, you say? He can take you there and get you anything that catches your attention, from a simple dish to the most expensive of jewerly and outfits you could want.

He's awkward with his words, but even then he tries for you and tells you how precious you are to him, how much he loves you and how sorry he still is he sometimes can't spoil you and spend time with you how you deserve.

More than anything, though, he spends quality time with you and does acts of service for you besides the multiple gifts (since you probably rejected a lot of his offers to get you things). That's how he tries to make it all up to you.

He promises he'll be more careful from now on.

And he kept that promise, since in the next big date you organized, he was there an hour early with a bouquet of your favorite flowers, waiting for you.

You were never stood up again.

Childe/Tartaglia/Ajax

Normally, you wouldn't blame him or be too hurt when this kind of thing happens.

You understand he has a very important position within the Fatui and that means he can be sent on important, urgent missions at any time and he can't complain or go against his orders.

You respect his work, you get it and all.

But this time what hurt you the most wasn't being stood up, it was the fact that he didn't show up the next day, or the next, or the next, or the next after that.

He practically disappeared for two months without any notice and without sending any kind of letter or message.

A lot of the usual agents you'd see working at the bank and you knew worked under his command weren't there, and the few who were had no clue where he went.

You were both angry, hurt and worried sick.

You waited, and waited, and kept on waiting.

And the night he finally came back home, fortunately unharmed, you literally tackled him with a hug with tears in your eyes.

"Uwah, you missed me that much~? Wait- it's not the time for this! I'm- I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I couldn't go to our date that day, it really wasn't my intention to-" "S-shut up! I- Do you know how worried I was?!"

He was thinking about your date the whole time he was away on that long, long mission.

Ajax can be a lot of things, most of which are bad things, but he would NEVER break a promise.

So he feels extremely guilty for breaking that one promise he had with you :(

If you thought Diluc could start to get overwhelming with gifts and attention, you have yet to see what Childe is willing to do to earn your forgiveness.

You WILL be treated like royalty, whether you want to or not.

He will spoil you rotten with everything he can. Food, gifts, travels, physical affection, adventures, theatre plays, concerts, art works, books-

Say the word and he will give you whatever you want. No need to hold back! He loves spoiling you, don't feel guilty for anything.

Hell, he would even let you beat him up without defending himself if you were really that mad at him.

"Okay, do you remember what we say in Snezhnaya about pinkie promises? If we break one, we can be thrown in the ice. Do you want us to go to Dragonspine so you can throw me in the ice or something?!" "A-ajax, we don't need to go that far!!" Or maybe you do, hmm...

Overall he's very apologetic and feels a bit disappointed in himself.

He never wants to break your trust, so he will make sure this won't happen again!

Kaeya

The Cavalry Captain is a very busy person, even if it sometimes doesn't look like it.

You know it, you've known it from the very start.

But it doesn't make it any less humilliating or painful to leave on your own after waiting for him for hours just for him not to show up at all.

You go back home and, after having cried for a while, you go to sleep on your own, locking the door from inside and keeping the key with you.

So when Kaeya went back home, he couldn't enter the room to sleep.

This man literally forgot about your date, sorry.

He just got so busy early in the day- he was practically overworked the entire day and couldn't get out to go to your date.

In fact, he was so tired at the moment that he feel asleep the moment he sat down on the couch.

So the apology would wait until tomorrow, when you would finally get out from the room to have breakfast.

You saw no glimpse of him, and assumed he just wasn't home right now.

But as you were making breakfast for yourself, he appeared seemingly out of nowhere and hugged you from behind.

"Hello there, darling... I'm sorry for yesterday, I suddenly got all this work piled upon me. I know, I know it sounds like an excuse but I swear it isn't. I'm just- I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am."

He goes on to explain everything that happened to him the day before and apoogize over and over again.

He feels so sorry :( He was so stressed and overworked, it really just skipped over his head.

He asks you how would you want him to make it up to you.

He will do about everything you want, no matter what it is.

He, too, would let you hit him for a while if you were feeling mad enough to do it.

He's going to be practically glued to you for the rest of the week- or even the next month if he can!!

He will get very touchy and vocal about it too... Overall, Kaeya is going to be really clingy with you.

You might need to tell him to stop if it gets overwhelming, otherwise, he's going to keep on doing it!

#diluc x reader #childe x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin impact headcanon #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #melwritesgenshin #melodywritings

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years ago

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Quinlan and the Interdimensional Ingenues (except not really)

Context: SW Suddenly Omegaverse AU (Original Post), Interior Design (Nesting Divots), Chrono Rating: T+ Relationships: Anakin & Obi-Wan, Quinlan/Obi-Wan

This is like 90% cuddles and scenting that’s a few steps to the side of a/b/o standard. There is a lot of non-sexual licking. It’s a little odd, but I’m assuming that’s what you’re here for. It’s also over 5k words, so, you know. There’s that.

Note: “Ternary” is to the number three as “binary” is to the number two. Binary gender/sex refers to IRL male/female distinctions, and ternary refers to alpha/beta/omega. Gender and sex are much more complicated than is touched on in this particular fic, and trans identities exist within both the binary system and the ternary system. (More notes at end.)

-----

“Sorry to tell you this,” Quinlan says, sliding into the room as quickly as he can, “but we can smell omega distress from several rooms down the hall. What the hell is going on?”

“We’ve having a lot of feelings,” Kenobi says drily. He’s on the couch, looking damnably normal, and Skywalker’s got his face shoved into his master’s neck. Kenobi’s fingers card through the curls, and it’s... well, it would be easy to tell which of them was having said feelings even if Quinlan hadn’t already been able to tell them apart in scent.

“I’m distraught,” Skywalker moans, mushing himself somehow closer.

Kenobi’s eyes go to the ceiling, and he visibly prays to the Force for patience. “I know, Anakin.”

“You think I’m being dumb.”

“I think you’ve had a few months to prepare for this, but that your reaction is understandable nevertheless,” Kenobi says carefully. “Quinlan, would you like to take a seat?”

He hops the back of an armchair in a way that earns him a long-suffering, fond sigh. Quinlan grins encouragingly. “So, do I get to know what this is about?”

“I’m having trouble keeping it out of the Force, but at least I can do that,” Skywalker mutters. He does not lift his head. “I can’t control the scent stuff.”

“Yeah,” Quinlan says, because he’s not sure what else to say. “Do you want me to go get Tano? Might make you feel better.”

Skywalker just whines, high and pained, and tries to curl impossibly closer to Kenobi.

“Anakin,” Kenobi tries. “Anakin, do you want me to explain?”

“I want my--” Skywalker cuts himself off with a choking noise, and then keens. It’s a very omega noise, in the sense that his vocal cords can make it, and non-omegas have trouble mimicking it, and it makes Quinlan want to go over and do his best to fix things in whatever way he can.

(This, everyone is finding, is the truly awkward element to having Skywalker and Kenobi around. They don’t have any experience with controlling their ternary sex instincts, and it makes everyone else react poorly when they do, well, almost anything. They can’t be blamed, considering exactly how inconvenient this is for them, as well, but it’s not a great time for anyone.)

Quinlan tries to keep his own scent pleasant and calm, as soothing as he can make it through the blockers. He doesn’t think it works. “Your what?”

“His wife,” Kenobi says. “Because apparently that was the other way he broke the Code.”

“I looked her up,” Skywalker moans, dramatic as anyone. “She’s already mated and married, in this timeline. To that artist. She’s totally happy and she’s never met me and I’m never gonna be able to work with or around her because I won’t be able to act normal about it and I miss her.”

‘A lot of feelings‘ Kenobi mouths at Quinlan over Skywalker’s head.

“Well, at least it explains the position you’re in,” Quinlan tries to joke. The blank look he gets from Kenobi tells him clearly that the joke didn’t land. “Uh, scenting at the neck like that.”

“Inappropriate?” Kenobi hazards a guess. He doesn’t pull Skywalker away.

“Sort of,” Quinlan says. “You’re family, or as good as, so between that and the need for comfort, nobody’s really going to judge you for it, especially given your backgrounds, but that kind of prolonged neck-scenting for comfort is something kids outgrow in pre-adolescence. It’s only really used for either comfort for extreme emotions, like this, or, uh, between lovers. Post-coital, or during foreplay before, you know, mouths get involved.”

Kenobi grimaces. “Lovely. And what do you mean by ‘of our backgrounds’ in this case? That we have less control, or another factor?”

He doesn’t sound offended. Quinlan appreciates that. “You didn’t have ten years to get that comfort. It’s like... touch starvation, but for scenting. Anyone who knows what’s going on with you, even in the vague sense that doesn’t involve dimensional travel, is going to give you leeway on scenting because you didn’t have that, growing up.”

Kenobi’s grimace doesn’t go away until Skywalker’s breath hitches, hand curling in his master’s robes. “Anakin?”

“I don’t like feeling like this,” Skywalker mutters. “It sucks.”

“I know.”

“And we can’t delay the war much longer, and she was one of the only reasons I stayed even kinda sane through it.”

“I know, Anakin,” Kenobi sighs, running a hand through Skywalker’s hair and, awkwardly as anything, pressing a small kiss to the young man’s forehead. “You’ll have other ways to de-stress this time around. Maybe you’ll actually attend your meditative retreats.”

Skywalker huffs out a breath, in a laugh wet with what might be burgeoning tears. “Shut up.”

“I think you’ve known me far too long to think I’ll ever run out of words,” Kenobi says. He meets Quinlan’s eyes again, but before either of them can communicate about whether Quinlan should leave, Skywalker lurches to his feet, muttering something about a shower.

He’s gone before Kenobi can get more than two words out, and the man is left looking ruffled and confused by his former padawan’s sudden departure. He stays watching the door, and slowly wilts in a way that doesn’t speak well for his state of mind. The man sighs and drops his head into his hands, cradling it with his elbows on his knees, and whatever calm he’d had fades into pure stress, the air curdling with the smell of it.

Quinlan waits, unsure of how to handle this; Kenobi’s Quinlan Vos probably would have known how to deal with the change.

“What am I doing?” Kenobi breathes out, the words almost inaudible from behind his hands.

There are a few moments for Quinlan to consider the many complications and ramifications of getting involved, and then he decides to do so anyway. He stands up and steps around the caff table, and sits down next to Kenobi. He wraps an arm around the man’s shoulders, and brings him in close.

“You don’t have to do this,” Kenobi says, though he makes no move to pull away. “I know you don’t... this is just an obligation. The Council assigned you to gather information and keep an eye out for us in terms of the whole omega thing, since you already shared my heat, and... I know I’m not a friend to you. You barely know me, and the fact that you have to look out for me is something that truly grates. Such care shouldn’t...”

Quinlan waits for him to finish, but he doesn’t.

“I won’t say that they didn’t give me that assignment, because that would be a lie and you’d know it,” Quinlan says. “But I do want to be friends with you. We’re sort of there, already, even if that’s mostly you knowing my other self, and my psychometry, but I’ve seen what a friendship with you could be like, in what you let me see. We’ll never have that same dynamic, because I didn’t grow up with you, and the ternary sex adds an element that changes things, but I do want to be your friend.”

He hesitates, unsure if the rest will make things worse or better, but says it anyway. “As for taking care of you, looking out for you... I do feel a need to do that on an instinctual level, yes, but I can ignore it. It’s an instinct, but one that I, like everyone else that’s grown up as a human or near human in this galaxy, can work around. I am doing more than the minimum the Council requested, and it’s because I do actually like you as a person, and want to know you better.”

Kenobi’s head is resting on his shoulder by this point, tired and heavy, and Quinlan reaches up to brush his knuckles against the beard without looking. His blockers are still keeping his scent down, but the contact seems to make Kenobi relax more. His hands are mostly laced together, and falling into the dip between their legs.

“There’s a way I can help, but it’s, ah... not inherently sexual in nature, but generally only done by those whose relationship is already some degree of sexual,” Quinlan tells him. “To make you feel better, less stressed.”

“I’m assuming you’re not suggesting an orgasm,” Kenobi mutters, dry as anything. He laughs when Quinlan puts a hand on his knee.

“Not exactly feeling it,” Quinlan agrees. He squeezes Kenobi’s knee, and then says, “No, it’s mostly scenting in a way that’s usually only done by lovers; it’s more effective, but very intimate in a way many find uncomfortably sexual, because the amount of tongue involved is very reminiscent of foreplay.”

Kenobi laughs, a little harder, and nuzzles a little. He doesn’t seem aware of the fact that he’s doing it. “Alright, then.”

“I’d also suggest moving to one of the nests,” Quinlan says, and Kenobi immediately freezes. He gives it a moment, and then says, “I know you found it helpful after your heat, Kenobi. The nesting instinct is human here. It’s not shameful. There are people who don’t get anything out of it, but I’ve seen you nesting, and it’s good for you.”

Kenobi shudders and Quinlan thinks he might be fighting down a whine. “It’s a change, Quin. I mean, Quinlan. It’s... it’s just another thing out of many that’s different.”

“And one of the few you have control over?” Quinlan guesses. He tries to purr for support when Kenobi nods against his shoulder, and he thinks the deep rumble is soothing to Kenobi. “I get that.”

“Don’t stop,” Kenobi mutters, and Quinlan can guess he’s blushing about it.

“Into the nest,” Quinlan mutters. “It’ll help convince Skywalker to use it, and he really needs that kind of comfort.”

That’s the line of logic that actually works, and Quinlan isn’t the least bit surprised.

“Fine,” Kenobi sighs, and gets to his feet before Quinlan can offer to carry him or something similarly joking. The man walks to the communal nest at the edge of the room, and then looks down into the barely-used mess of blankets and pillows in the floor divot like he doesn’t even know how to get in.

Quinlan thinks there might be dust, even.

Fine. He can work with that. He’s taken this duo on as a project of his own free will, and he’s damn well going to follow through.

“Want to rearrange it?” he asks, in hopes that he can prompt Kenobi into figuring out what’s wrong.

“I don’t... know,” Kenobi says, frowning in a way that’s more worried and uncomfortable than angry. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Quinlan considers it, thinks of how the dust means nobody’s been here, that there’s not even a hint of scent, and then turns and grabs the throw pillows and thick, woven blanket from the couch.

“Wait,” Kenobi protests. “They don’t--”

“We can put them back later,” Quinlan assures him. He holds them out to Kenobi. “Trust me? I may not be an omega, but I do know enough of the theory.”

Kenobi takes the pillows and the blanket, stares down at them and then at the nest, and steps out of his slippers and into the nest. The layer already there is thin, and likely not doing much for anyone, but it’s the bare minimum and Quinlan can work with that.

He turns and scouts the room for spare fabrics, grabs all three of the outer robes from where they hang by the door, and the recently-used dishtowel that only barely carries Skywalker’s scent, and brings them to Kenobi.

“The robes aren’t clean!” Kenobi protests.

“I could grab something from your room instead,” Quinlan says. “Or you could just leave the hems on the outside. But you need more fabric that actually smells like someone.”

Quinlan wonders, idly, if Kenobi would have this kind of reaction to the suggestion without omega instincts at play, or if it’s just the instincts and he doesn’t realize, or maybe that he’s decided to let the instincts happen since Quinlan’s pushed him into nesting already anyway. The man had insisted in perfectly pressing his robes from the beginning, long before their bodies had had a chance to change, and Skywalker had found it normal, so it’s probably, at least a little, just the man’s personality. It probably doesn’t matter, overall, because all Quinlan has to do is sit at the edge of the nest until Kenobi--the person who actually lives here--is done arranging things.

Quinlan takes off another two layers and offers them, noting out loud that he can get them back later when Skywalker can fill in the gaps or something before too many protests can be voiced. Kenobi hesitantly takes them and tucks them in among his own additional layers. Quinlan’s seen enough communal nests to know that most of the placements are odd and not going to work out long-term, but that’s not the point right now. The point is getting Kenobi to recognize the his body, and more importantly, his mental health, rely at least somewhat on nesting now.

“Are you going to come in?” Kenobi asks, belatedly realizing Quinlan’s still outside the lip of the flooring divot.

“Not without permission,” Quinlan says, and sees the realization flicker in.

Kenobi holds out a hand, silent, and Quinlan lets himself get tugged in among the half-stale, half-new nest. It’s not great, but that’ll come with practice. He tucks himself around Kenobi, and rubs at the man’s arms in an attempt to ease some of the tension that’s clinging to every line of his body.

“What now?” Kenobi asks, just a shade more quiet than Quinlan thinks is really required by the situation.

“A lot of the stress you’re feeling is a feedback loop from being covered in your own distress scent,” Quinlan says. “You can shower to handle that, which is what Skywalker is doing, or you can manually remove it.”

“I’d imagine a wet towel,” Kenobi says, a touch wry, “but given that you mentioned tongue earlier, I’m guessing you intend to lick it away?”

“It’s more effective,” Quinlan admits. “Not at removing the scent, necessarily, but it removes enough to help while also generating comfort and relaxation hormones from the close contact, and being scented by a trusted individual.”

“Makes sense,” Kenobi admits. “You, ah, use scent blockers usually, right? Can you, er, scent me?”

Quinlan can see just how much Kenobi dislikes using the words. He tries to keep it quick. “I use a cream blocker over my scent glands, namely at the neck and wrists, since the rest are covered in fabric. It’s... well, it can be wiped off, or also removed orally. Most manually-applied blockers are formulated to be safe for contact with the mouth or genitals. Only really gets to be a problem if there are rare allergies or with specific species. It doesn’t taste like anything, if that matters.”

Kenobi’s discomfort is almost palpable, but Quinlan lets him work through that. This isn’t really something he can make a choice for Kenobi about, and the discomfort is... well, it’s not really the kind of discomfort usually associated with ternary sex and associated behaviors. Everything’s just very new, and comes with changes to the body that Kenobi never agreed to.

“Right,” Kenobi says. “I want to... to at least try it, I think.”

He turns and blushes, eyes anywhere by Quinlan’s face. “I don’t know how much longer Anakin will be. I’d rather he not think we’re, er...”

“Then I’ll take care of that part fast,” Quinlan promises, and is rewarded by Kenobi offering a wrist.

It’s... not sexual. Quinlan knows he has a hard time explaining this to near-humans that don’t have the scent glands, that don’t have the ternary dynamics. He’s had a similarly hard time explaining it to Kenobi and Skywalker. It’s not sexual, just intimate, when he pulls Kenobi’s wrist to his face, closes his eyes, and breathes in the scent of a distressed, uncomfortable, bitter omega that he’s shared a heat with and knows as almost-friend. The smell, this close and this strong, triggers the production of pheromones of his own, and when he feels Kenobi tentatively start pressing kisses to Quinlan’s own wrist, he relaxes. He brushes his lips against Kenobi’s wrist, and then puts his open mouth to it, the slightest press of teeth and his tongue laving across the skin. He hears Kenobi’s gasp, an almost-yelp, and pulls away long enough to press a kiss the the veins under his lips, and to say, “Relax, Kenobi.”

He forces a purr out, low and rumbling, and feels it work on Kenobi just like it did earlier. There’s a tongue pulling, a little dry, to rub away the blocker on the inside of his wrist, and he turns his attention back to Kenobi’s. The scent is even stronger on his tongue, bitter and unhappy, and his body continues to produce calm and comfort as he pulls away the uglier feelings painted on Kenobi’s skin.

More pheromones leak under his mouth, but less bitter. Less intense. He does what he can, opens his eyes and turns and sees that Kenobi is unduly focused on his wrist, mouthing and not quite purring, but oddly fuzzy in the Force. His eyes are closed, but Quinlan’s pretty sure they’d be glazed if not.

“Kenobi?”

“Hm?”

“Guess you haven’t encountered this outside of a heat before,” Quinlan mutters. He shakes his arm a bit, and puts his other hand on Kenobi’s shoulder. “Kenobi, hey, look at me?”

Kenobi pulls away, blinking, and then makes a face. “That...”

“Didn’t like losing control?” Quinlan guesses. The answer is clear enough. “It’s a matter of practice, especially for you.”

“Why did I... it smelled and tasted like... like I was safe,” Kenobi mutters lowly, eyes on the nest instead of on Quinlan. “I’ve never associated any sense with safety other than the Force.”

“You trust me,” Quinlan says, as if that’s not a little terrifying in its own way. He already knew that Kenobi trusted him, but he thinks that this strong of a reaction might make him Kenobi’s most trusted person after Skywalker and maybe Tano. “And since you trust me, your body subconsciously takes cues from mine, when it comes to pheromones. I project comfort and safety, and your body takes it as... not fact, but affirmation.”

“So I won’t react to anyone like this,” Kenobi says, not quite begging for Quinlan to confirm, but close to it. “Just you, and... does that same logic apply to those who aren’t Alpha designation?”

“Yeah,” Quinlan says. “Not in the same way, but familiarity and trust does affect which pheromones affect you, and how strongly. Children are largely unresponsive to aggression pheromones from their parents, by default, since their minds process it as aggression in defense of them, rather than aggression at them.”

Kenobi purses his lips, but nods and looks at Quinlan’s other wrist. “Moving on?”

“If you’re okay with it,” Quinlan says, but he brings his cleaned wrist to Kenobi’s and rubs them together until his own comfort scent is covering up what’s left of the distress. “Take a smell at that and see how you feel.”

Kenobi eyes him warily--he’s pretty sure he hasn’t done anything to deserve that, but allows it because, well, Kenobi--and sniffs at his own wrist. His brow furrows in confusion, and he sniffs again.

“Good?” Quinlan hazards.

“I... yeah,” Kenobi says. He sounds as confused as he looks. “I like it. It’s... the safe thing, again, but mixing with me?”

“That’s how it’s supposed to feel,” Quinlan assures him. “Other wrist?”

If he were actually the friend that Kenobi had grown up with, if he’d actually had a Kenobi to grow up with, he thinks he might have thrown in a few joking pet names by now.

But he’s not, and they didn’t, so he won’t.

He thinks he hears Skywalker finish up in the shower, but Kenobi pulls his mouth to the neck, and mutters that they have some time while Skywalker does something to his hair. Apparently, there are products needed for those curls.

The angle’s going to be a little uncomfortable if they try to get at each other’s scent glands simultaneously, so Quinlan suggests that Kenobi handle getting the blocker off first.

“Why?”

“More convenient,” Quinlan says, and then clasps Kenobi’s hands so their wrists rub together. He squeezes, just a little, a touch of reassurance, and smiles and tilts his head. “All yours, Kenobi.”

The man smiles, brittle, and almost giggles. Maybe Quinlan was doing something oddly similar to his counterpart from Kenobi’s dimension. Maybe it was an inside joke he didn’t know. It doesn’t matter, because Kenobi’s leaning in and mouthing along Quinlan’s neck and throat like a man possessed a half-second later.

Quinlan closes his eyes and threads a hand into Kenobi’s hair, focuses on warmth and comfort and protection, rather than anything aroused. Kenobi slows down, lapping at Quinlan’s neck and inhaling, and in the Force he radiates confusion.

“That’s it,” Quinlan mutters, and Kenobi makes a low chirruping noise that he immediately stifles with an annoyed huff. “Hey, no, those are normal. You don’t have to be embarrassed.”

“I want control over my own body, Quin,” Kenobi mutters, and switches to the other side. He rubs his face against Quinlan’s neck, and it’s another point on the list of things Kenobi does that he might not realize are based in newer instincts. “I don’t like something being wrong with me, and not understanding what it is.”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Quinlan mutters, using the hand in Kenobi’s hair to guide him into actually removing the scent blocker instead of donating a case of beard burn. “Even going as fast as you did just now wasn’t something wrong. Your instincts got a bit confused, that’s all. You’re fine.”

He purrs until Kenobi is done, and gets that chirruping noise again. Kenobi’s still annoyed about it, but Quinlan’s just happy he’s getting less uncomfortable about it.

“Okay, sit up and turn around,” Quinlan says, and Kenobi eyes him again. “Have I steered you wrong yet?”

“No.”

“So trust me,” Quinlan urges. “Just turn around.”

Kenobi does. Quinlan sits up and rearranges his legs so there’s one on either side of Kenobi, half-bent. He pulls the other man closer, blankets folding oddly beneath them, and wraps his arms around Kenobi’s waist.

He breathes for a moment, chin hooked over Kenobi’s shoulder, and asks, “Good?”

“Oddly so, yes,” Kenobi mutters. He might be blushing. “Er, should I... do anything?”

“Hands on mine, if you’d like,” Quinlan tells him. “We can lie back down and spoon after I clean up your left.”

The noise Kenobi makes is low, affronted in a way that speaks to his ongoing embarrassment. Quinlan ignores it, just gets to work taking away as much of Kenobi’s stress scent as he can, mouthing along the man’s neck and managing a purr that isn’t even forced. It rumbles out of him unprompted, his hindbrain piecing together the relaxing omega in his lap and the safety of the Temple and the pride he’s got in doing this right, the knowledge that Kenobi’s happier than he was an hour ago and it’s all Quinlan’s doing.

He rubs his face along Kenobi’s neck as he finishes up, scenting and being scented back, and is gratified when Kenobi starts purring too. The nuzzling is mostly soft, though Quinlan’s stubble is nothing to Kenobi’s beard; the hairs trap Quinlan’s scent where it’ll do the most good. He follows a hint of mischievous intent and tugs at Kenobi’s earlobe with his teeth, earning himself a little whine. He laughs, and licks the curve of Kenobi’s ear, immediately scenting further.

“Anakin’s going to be back soon,” Kenobi says, sounding almost sleep drunk.

Quinlan switches sides and guides them both down to lie, chest to front, in the nest. He works more slowly on the other side, keeps himself propped up on his elbow, forearm slipped neatly under Kenobi’s neck. The scent gland at Quinlan’s wrist rests under Kenobi’s nose, right where it’ll have the most effect. His other hand rubs up and down Kenobi’s side, and by the time Skywalker reenters the room, Quinlan’s done with licking the stress off and rubbing his scent into anything he thinks will help. He’s lying fully on his side instead of having his head propped up, and just doing his best to spread comfort through the room through Force and smell. He maybe nibbles at the back of Kenobi’s neck, here and there, because the man has lothcat response, and

“Guys?”

“Over here, Skywalker.”

The kid--not really a kid, but younger than Aayla, still, so he counts--rounds the couch, and sees them among the added cloaks and pillows and blanket. He stares. Kenobi starts to stiffen back up.

Quinlan increases his purring, and rubs his face against Kenobi’s neck, and glares up at Skywalker for good measure. Kenobi can’t see past Quinlan, probably, and squirms. Skywalker tilts his head, and then puts up a finger in a ‘one moment’ sort of gesture. He runs off.

“Anakin--”

“Kid’s fine,” Quinlan assures him, and Skywalker skids back into the room at unsafe speeds, arms full of what Quinlan’s pretty sure are his own duvet and pillow, and falls face-first into the nest. Kenobi jerks back into Quinlan, but Skywalker ignores this in favor of rearranging the nest into something approaching functional. He’s better at it than Kenobi.

Quinlan��s pretty sure Skywalker was more open to these things from the start. It tracks.

“Now Anakin, really,” Kenobi sputters, as Skywalker finishes layering things in the way he thinks is best. Skywalker beams at him, earlier melancholy forgotten for the moment, and flops down to drop his head somewhere near Kenobi’s chest.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” Skywalker says. “This is good for you.”

Kenobi blushes, and Quinlan scrapes his teeth against the back of his neck again.

“Quinlan!” Kenobi yelps, jolting. “Not--we’re not alone!”

“Helps you calm down, though,” Quinlan says, pressing a few close-mouthed kisses at Kenobi’s hairline.

“Different cultural standards,” Skywalker adds, half-guessing but sure of himself nonetheless. He seems entirely too delighted to be here. “You know what? We should invite Ahsoka.”

“She’s not your padawan here,” Kenobi scolds.

“Yet,” Skywalker corrects. “As soon as I get all my psych evals cleared, the Council’s going to promise. She’s basically my padawan already.”

Kenobi sighs, aggrieved in a manner that feels more fond than actually upset, in the Force, and places a hand lightly on Skywalker’s.

Skywalker chirrups and wriggles closer, pressing his face to Kenobi’s tunic with a smile.

“I see someone’s feeling better,” Kenobi notes, and moves his hand up to play with Skywalker’s hair. “The shower helped?”

“Mm-hm,” Skywalker says. “’nd some of the stuff they made me learn in therapy.”

Kenobi hums low in his throat, an aimless vocalization, as he continues to comb his fingers through Skywalker’s hair.

Skywalker blinks, slow and bleary, with a soft and dopey smile, and Kenobi stops.

“What?”

“I like it when you play with my hair,” Skywalker says, almost too low to hear. His eyes close. “Feels nice. Cared for. Family.”

Kenobi freezes, breath hitching, and Quinlan shifts and lifts just enough to see the man is staring at his own hand in confusion and a slight bit of fear.

“Kenobi?”

“I didn’t even question it,” Kenobi says faintly. “I don’t... I haven’t done that since he was just a child, but I didn’t even question it. I stopped myself from commenting that he’s too old to come to his master for cuddles, because he’s not, in this dimension, and I’m getting used to that, but I started playing with his hair like it was normal and it’s not.”

Quinlan puts his mouth to Kenobi’s trapezius, just enough pressure that he’s not biting, just there, and purrs.

It’s several inches away from anything resembling a mating bite, but Kenobi tilts his head and whines anyway.

“Obi-Wan?” Skywalker prompts, brow furrowed. “It’s not... I mean, I’m not going to say it’s okay, since I know we’re both still upset about our bodies being changed without our permission or input or even a warning, but we’re getting used to it. We’re working with it. The hair thing is fine with me, I like it and would have before. And now that you know you’ll want to do, uh, that sort of thing--”

“Subset of grooming behaviors,” Quinlan tells them, pulling away from Kenobi’s neck with a final open-mouthed kiss. He sees the face Skywalker makes in response to the words, and feels Kenobi’s discomfort, so he elaborates. They’ve compared most of what they hear with tookas and lothwolves, so he thinks he knows what this is about. “We’re not exactly going to start licking each other clean--excluding scent comfort, that’s different--like lothcats, but you’ve already noticed that humans and near-humans are more tactile than you’re used to. Most forms of care, especially of partners and children, ends up physical in some way.”

He gestures between the two of them. “You view Skywalker as family, for all that you shy away from defining it, and so naturally gravitate to care. The easiest way for that to manifest when sharing a nest is usually playing with someone’s hair. Since he’s younger than you, and you’ve spent as much time as you have being the adult in his life...”

Quinlan trails off before he can comment on the question of whether they’re closer to brothers or father-and-son. Kenobi’s already expressed discomfort with that topic, well before they started naturalizing to this dimension. Quinlan’s not going to push for Kenobi to acknowledge Skywalker’s importance to him.

(They’ll have to address it at some point, but that’s a job for the mind healers, not for Quinlan.)

(For all that it’s going to impact and be impacted by their dynamics, that much is definitely not Quinlan’s to handle.)

Kenobi shudders in his arms, but doesn’t shake him off, and doesn’t stop Skywalker from burrowing somehow closer. Quinlan settles back in as Kenobi returns to playing with Skywalker’s hair.

“We really should invite Ahsoka, though.”

“Not tonight, padawan.”

-----------------------------------------------

Additional notes:

I initially wrote “ternary gender,” but found that it didn’t strike true to how I envisioned gender and dynamic playing out among Jedi culture in particular. While the term ‘dynamic’ is used regularly in a more casual setting, Quinlan uses the term “ternary sex” when talking about it in the company of Anakin and Obi-Wan. I view it as a subconscious attempt to keep a clinical view of the ternary sex system present in the omegaverse dimension, in recognition that it’s new and unfamiliar and often unpleasant for Anakin and Obi-Wan, having come from a dimension that doesn’t have ternary sexes or the associated reproductive capabilities, instincts, or cycles.

I’d like to explore how the ideas of sex, gender, dynamic, and so on intersect within the context of this universe, because I think it’s something I’d have a lot of fun working with, but this is not the fic for that.

#Quinlan Vos #Obi Wan Kenobi #Anakin Skywalker #QuinObi #anakin and obi wan #obi wan and anakin #disaster lineage #time travel #dimension hopping #omegaverse #SW Suddenly Omegaverse #past anidala #star wars #the clone wars #nesting #grooming #scenting #we went fully weird with this and I'm not apologizing... much #Phoenix Posts

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stuff-from-the-void-matron · 3 years ago

Text

Laurel Wreaths & Animal Teeth (10)

(technoblade x fem!reader)

(a/n: y’all seemed to like chapter 9 so here’s chapter 10! I know, I know. still no technoblade! BUT! he WILL be arriving soon~ very soon. >:3c but for now just enjoy the rest of the utter nonsense that’s the election. and remember! reblogs and comments REALLY make writing the next chapter possible. if y’all lose interest then so will I. so reblog and comment y’all! <3)

There was an eerie silence hanging over everyone in attendance. Nobody quite knew what to say, or even how to react to this startling new information. Not a soul spoke as a few people on stage and in the audience shared confused glances, not even whispering their questions to each other lest they shatter the heavy stillness. At least that was the case before HBomb hopped up out of his chair and gave a loud and cheerful “WHOO! NEW PRESIDENT!” that successfully slam dunked everyone back into the moment at hand.

Suddenly you were surrounded by noise as everyone started talking at once.

Meanwhile you remained mostly unaware of it, well more like distantly aware of it.

You stared up at the stage, locked in place from how floored you still were.

What in the absolute hell was Wilbur talking about??

You can’t have won! Because you weren’t running!

So there’s no way for you to WIN something you were never actively competing for!

There had to be a mistake. Maybe this was just some more of their silly pranks and japes before they read off the real winner, which actually wasn’t that huge of a stretch for this SMP if you were being honest. Or at least that’s what you were telling yourself anyways. Vaguely you could hear voices talking all around you, but it seemed far away, so you weren’t really registering what was being said. You were mostly just staring blankly at the stage, not really seeing any of the people up there as you tried to process what just happened.

It took Tubbo grabbing your elbow and shaking it to snap you out of the almost trance like state you'd slipped into. You looked down and he actually looked excited, but you could also see shock in his expression as well. You looked behind you to the rest of the crowd and some were clapping and cheering while others stood silent, shocked like you if you had to hazard a guess. You looked back up at the stage when you heard Tommy calling you to come up with them. You were still sorta frozen but thankfully Tubbo nudged you forward, reminding you that you needed to move. Silently you made your way up to the podium, mouth feeling dry and stomach feeling like it was full of stones.

Now that you were zoned back in you could hear the arguing coming from the podium. You were sort of dreading coming face to face with Wilbur, already knowing how… not great he took Schlatt winning from the original timeline. And he apparently knew and was friends with the ram hybrid. So you couldn’t see him being happy you won.. But when you got to the stage where the others were you couldn’t focus on Wilbur because all at once your vision was overtaken by Tommy, who was babbling about how you won! And how the hell did you win?? You weren’t even running! And how he’s pretty down they lost but at least Quackity and George didn’t win! (that got a ‘fuck you!’ out of the Spanish speaking young man) You gave a weak chuckle and said you’re not sure how or why you won but it was crazy indeed.

Quackity, Schlatt, and George were the most vocal about not thinking the results were fair. Though to be clear, Wilbur didn’t look thrilled either, but he was doing his best to look professional or put together you guessed. Or at least not blow up in front of literally everyone. You kept an eye on him while Tommy led you up to the mic and told you to give your first decree as president. But you sorta… didn’t want to be president. You hoped you wouldn’t upset anyone by not accepting the job. But you didn’t think you’d make a good leader. So you turned away from the mic, hoping nobody but the ones beside you on stage would hear when you asked if you had to accept the role.

This caught all the mens’ attention and Wilbur was quick to give you an out, saying no you didn’t technically HAVE to accept the presidency. In fact if you weren’t ready or willing to fill the role then the runners up, aka him and Tommy, would happily do so for you. But then Quackity, Schlatt, and surprisingly Fundy said that wasn’t fair either since both Pog2020 and Schlatt/Swag2020 were tied with the amount of votes. And you had to admit, that didn’t seem fair. But Wilbur perked up and you’d swear in that moment he was the embodiment of the ‘lightbulb above head’ phrase. Then he grinned and turned to Fundy and Niki and asked to speak to them before urging them and Tommy off the stage, leaving you and Schlatt/Swag2020 on the stage alone.

Not wanting to leave everyone in the audience hanging, you gave a polite smile and assured them that the others just wanted to…. recount the votes! They weren’t sure Wilbur counted them right so they figured recounting with some other witnesses there would clear things up! The crowd shared confused glances but it was Tubbo who yelled out that that sounded sus as hell! And if he were you he’d think they were trying to cheat or something! You snorted a laugh but assured him it was alright and you didn’t think they’d be that ballsy~

-0-

Fundy and Niki followed behind Wilbur and Tommy, the latter of the two males just as confused about what Wilbur was up to as the pair behind him. But then they all gathered in the white house and Wilbur turned to the members of Coconut2020 and said he had a proposition for them! The brunet said that since it was clear that you weren’t really up to being president, his tone derisive like your refusal of the position was tantamount to spitting in his food, then if Fundy and Niki agreed to combine their votes with Swag2020 then Wilbur could be president again and things could go back to normal!

But the blonde woman and fox hybrid didn’t look convinced.. Niki said they’d just be giving them their votes so they could win, while they got nothing? Fundy frowned and asked what positions he and Niki would have in the Pog2020 cabinet if they joined their votes with theirs. Here is where Wilbur hesitated, unsure what positions he could give them. But then he smiled and said Niki would be the First Woman, since she was the first woman to join L’manberg! And Fundy would of course be everyone’s Little Champion! He couldn’t help but baby talk his son, he’d never been able to take Fundy seriously, not really anyways. What with his alert little triangle ears, furry face, soft little paw beans, and fluffy tail. He was just too cute for Wilbur to take him seriously. Even now. But it was this attitude that would be his downfall. Because it’s what caused Fundy to snap.

“No, Wilbur! This is serious! I’m not some baby for you to dress up and prance around! I’m a fucking adult! I have my own house, I pay taxes, I fought in a war for fucks sake!” the hybrid shouted, clearly upset.

Wilbur was shocked but tried to calm Fundy down, not fully realizing how mad his son was until the red haired male practically snarled,

“I’m not going to sit here and hand over the votes Niki and I earned just so you can treat me like a child!”

Without another word he turned on his heel and stormed out of the white house, leaving three stunned people behind. Tommy looked up at Wilbur, opening and closing his mouth, wanting so badly to say something, maybe lighten the awkward mood but not knowing what or even if he should speak at all. Meanwhile Niki just sighed and gave Wilbur a soft disappointed look. She knew Wilbur loved his son, and that often translated to him babying the hybrid. But she’d warned him, as kindly as she could, that it seemed to upset Fundy that his own father wouldn’t treat him like anything but a kid. She’s not a parent herself, so she figures it must be hard for a parent to see their child as anything but a child, even after they’ve grown.

But she can see Fundy’s side too. It must be massively frustrating to be looked upon like you’re just a kid. Especially since Wilbur doesn’t even treat Tommy, his own younger brother, as a child as much as he does Fundy. And she’d seen first hand how Wilbur’s attitude towards Fundy, whether or not the brunet intended for it to happen or not, did in fact influence how others treated the red furred hybrid. She’d seen Tommy, Tubbo, Eret, Sapnap, and even herself a couple times sort of not treat Fundy with the respect you’d show to a fellow adult. She tried her best to kick that habit, and her and Fundy’s friendship had really blossomed thanks to it, she thinks. But she believes Wilbur just pushed his son to his breaking point…

“He’s right, Wilbur. You can’t keep babying him. He’s a grown up now..” Niki said neutrally.

Then she let out a tired sounding breath of air and turned to follow after the fox hybrid, saying she would go check on him. But she also said Wilbur needed to talk to him later, man to man, and make things right. Said brunet looked rather flummoxed, not sure what the hell just happened. It was Tommy who broke the silence by giving an almost weak sounding ‘holy shit’. Wilbur turned his perplexed gaze to his brother and asked what the HELL that was all about! Said blond winced and gave a sigh while awkwardly scratching the back of his head, not thrilled with the weird turn this conversation took, but answered Wilbur,

“Ehh… looks like you and Fundy have some unresolved personal issues, bud..”

Wilbur barked that this wasn’t the time for Fundy to let some personal vendetta against him cloud his reasoning! They were in the middle of the do or die of the election! If they couldn’t get Fundy and Niki to agree to join their votes with theirs then they won’t win! And they’ll be in a tie with Schlatt and Quackity! Wilbur jerked his hands down, like he wanted to slam them against a table or something. But instead he just viciously scrubbed his fingers through his curly hair, feeling embittered with everyone around him. All he’d wanted was to lead HIS country! Like he rightfully should have been able to! All this election bollocks and now he was having to try and convince HIS OWN SON to help him stay president?! If it were him and Phil needed help he’d give it! Well he would if Phil were ever fucking around..

The sound of a crowd cheering caused the two to whip their heads towards the area where the stage was before they looked at each other. Not a word was spoken between them as they both took off in a run towards the stage, wondering what happened and what they were missing. They rounded the corner of the building to the left of the stage to see you smiling and waving daintily to the crowd. Not sure what they’d missed, Wilbur rushed up to Niki and asked what happened. Did you accept the presidency already??

Niki raised an eyebrow at her friend and nodded, saying you’d finally relented and accepted the role as president after she and Fundy came back from ‘recounting the votes’. Niki hummed and said she figured that you finally accepted the results after it was made clear that if you didn’t then everything would be stuck in a tie. But then Niki’s reflecting mood brightened and she said she really thought you’d do a good job as the new president. Even joking that you had to be better than Schlatt.

Niki never voiced it out loud but she’d been worried Schlatt and Quackity would win. Schlatt was the biggest worry for her. To his credit, he was actually a really funny guy and she could see why Wilbur was friends with him, they just had a good chemistry and their senses of humor bounced off each other well. But… Schlatt could also be blatantly power hungry and hateful if not kept in check from the few times she’d met him or heard stories about him from Wilbur. Niki felt like giving him the amount of authority that came with being president would only end poorly. And Quackity was an alright guy in her opinion but he could be vindictive and petty too. She got the vibe that any amount of power given to him would instantly go to his head and turn him into a jerk.

But again, these were just her personal (and not spoken aloud) opinions…

She always hated being mean to people and saying hurtful things. So she kept her opinions to herself more often than not. Unless it was super important anyways. So instead of elaborating on Why she was so relieved that Schlatt and Quackity hadn’t won she instead flashed the two members of Pog2020 a smile and said it had been a fun race, and despite all the drama she really thinks Tommy’s friend will do a good job. Then with a keen raise of her eyebrows the blonde suggested with a cute smile,

“Oh, maybe you could be a member of Reader’s Cabinet! I’m sure she’ll be needing a vice president, secretary of defense, treasury, and other positions!”

Niki was honestly just trying to cheer up her friend, but the cheerful smile slipped off her face at the dark look that crossed Wilbur’s. She grew concerned when she saw how hard he was clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. His behavior over the last few weeks had been slowly worrying her, but this was starting to make her anxious. And when he started marching towards the stage she shot a panicked look to Tommy, who could do nothing but give her an equally worried and confused face before they both tried to hurry after their brown haired friend. But he got up onto the stage before either of them could grab his arm, and Niki was about to call after him but he reached your side, clearing his throat and alerting you to his presence.

You looked down and saw him standing at attention next to you, hand outstretched for a handshake and a polite but serious smile on his face. You were surprised, thinking he was handling this with more grace than you’d expected, but a feeling deep in your gut was still on edge. You knew the destruction Wilbur Soot was all too willing and capable of doing in the selfish pursuit of keeping power over the country he made. The lives of his friends and family be damned. So while you really really wanted to hope that Wilbur will be better since you won over the other parties… you’re also highly skeptical that he will manage to keep his sanity.

But instead of showing any of your reservations you instead simply smile and shake his hand, thanking him for congratulating your win and promising him you’ll do your best with the presidency and taking care of L’manberg. And if you noticed how his smile looked a little too angry at the edges then you didn’t say anything..

So instead of dealing with the mess that was Wilbur Soot you focused on the crowd and let go of Wilbur’s hand to stand at the sort of comically short podium and spoke out to the people you were now responsible for,

“Well, this all was certainly unexpected..”

Chuckles erupted from the crowd at that, making you feel a bit better about all of this. At least you weren’t the only one to see how wild all of this mess was.

“I’m actually really shocked! I wasn’t intending to run for president but I suppose life has other plans for me. But regardless, I’m honored you’ve all put your faith in me to lead you. I swear to do my absolute best for you and help L’manberg flourish.”

Applause from the crowd made you give a genuine smile. Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad?

-0-

In the audience, watching this all unfold behind a mask and tapping his foot, stood the familiar looking figure in a green hood. Hanging around next to him was Sapnap in all his black and white dressed glory. And at some point George had gotten bored with the drama on stage and had left Quackity’s side (not that the duck hybrid had even noticed or cared) and wandered over to stand with his two friends. They watched Wilbur hand over the presidency to you and George made an off hand comment that Wilbur sure didn’t look pleased with losing, a smug laugh in his sleepy tone. Sapnap snickered but stared at you and elbowed his taller friend, asking in a curious tone while subtly gesturing to you,

“Speaking of, why didn’t you tell us you’d let someone new on the server, Dream?”

His friend glanced at him for a second longer than normal before replying with a tense tone to his voice that he hadn’t let her on. That caused both Sapnap and George to jerk their heads up to look at him in visible confusion. While George stammered through a series of ‘what’s’ and ‘wait hold on-’ Sapnap was loudly questioning what the hell he meant. The mask wearing player shushed them both before looking up to see if anyone had heard them or looked over at the twos’ loud exclamations. Thankfully nobody had. So he sighed and led them a bit further away from the crowd and explained that he’d not authorized any new members to the server. and it was true, he hadn’t. But both hybrids still looked confused and George asked, clearly puzzled,

“Well then how did she get on the server?? Nobody else can let people on, right, Dream?”

Sapnap nodded but stopped when their taller friend let out a flat hum before shaking his head ‘no’. That caught the shorter twos’ attention so he elaborated by asking them,

“Who on this server is known to have Creative Mode?”

The two blinked before it dawned on them and they looked even more shocked than before, only now it was coupled with anxiousness. Sapnap harshly whispered to the two, asking why the hell fucking GOD himself would actually let someone onto the server?? DreamXD never bothered with players and stuff, only being rumored to be seen by players if they broke server rules. George added on that this all sounded really weird. And an idea hit him and he couldn’t help but voice it.

“You don’t think… she’s linked to DreamXD.. do you? Like working for him or something?” he asked a touch nervously.

The other two didn’t say anything, not really knowing what to say to that. Sapnap could only shrug while the tallest of their group remained silent, none of them having any answers to the string of questions they’d just let loose.

They would just have to wait and see it seemed.

-0-

@lady-bee-fechin @kacchasu @putridjoy @lunawritesstories @galaxypankitty3030 @paradigmax @zachariethememerie @killmewithafanfic @trinity-1002107 @hufflepuff-demigod @truthdaze @exorcisms-with-elmo @redbloodtea @heythereimhaylz @olyink @jackalopedoodles @nikkineeky @artsimatsu @hufflepuff-demigod @corpiet @beepa99 @anxiousnarwhale @bananaaddictmilkshake @realitycanbeajerk @lostandsouciant @thegeekisheere @sparkling-gayyy

#technoblade x reader #techno x reader #technoblade #dsmp #dream smp #mcyt x reader #c!tommy #c!tubbo #c!wilbur #c!fundy #c!niki #c!quackity #c!schlatt #c!george #c!sapnap #c!dream

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eeunoia · 4 years ago

Text

ENHYPEN Mini series

E N H Y P E N as Campus Heart-throbs

pairings: park sunghoon x reader

summary: you’ve always been in love by sunghoon’s mysterious vibe. you loved everything in him and everybody knows about your feelings towards him. you think you’re happy enough as long as you can see Sunghoon but what happens when you discovered that you were sick?

word count: 8.7k

warnings: I’m no doctor, I’m not professional at these kind of stuff. I did some research but since i’m not that smart I might not make it so clear and might have mentioned some wrong things but please be considerate and just act like I know what i’m saying. lol

a/n: YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!! So, I’ve asked for opinions if whether I should make it a happy ending or nah, and since the opinions were in half, I decided to do both. Yeah, both. So, this one is the happy ending one, if you’re interested in reading the other version which is the tragic on, here. I just want to tell you that I cried writing that one. I decided to do both versions since I, myself can’t even choose what I wanted. I have ideas and plots for happy endings that obviously I cannot include in the sad one and vice versa. So why not make the two version, right? So everyone is happy!!! 🌸

tag list: @jakeysim @kpoppinandlockin @en-sun @f1iore @dilfhwa @rubyanne @enhappy @bunnylover0193

Park Sunghoon

Class 3 - A - “The Ice Prince”

You watched Sunghoon did a perfect routine during his practice for ice-skating one day. While leaning over the railings holding a bottle of water and some light snacks, you waited patiently for the perfect timing to greet him. Your eyes settled over his black hair that’s naturally swaying with his graceful movements. His pale complexion that gives highlight to his now tinted red cheeks. His breath fogged out from his pink soft looking lips as he exhale. He’s always wearing this blank face and still look so ethereal.

A proud small smile appeared over his slightly red face as his mentor gives him compliments for what he just did. You can’t help but to smile as well. This is the rare moments where you see him make different expressions. One of the reason why you love going to his practices.

Sunghoon was given a 15 minutes break that quickly made you jolt a little at your position. Out of excitement, you wanted to go and greet him right away but you tried to contain it and just wait for him.

“hello, y/n.” being someone who’s often in the ice arena, people knew you already. You gave them a warm smile and waved a little before going straight towards Sunghoon.

He was busy fiddling with some of his stuff. With a bright smile you tried to approach him as silent as you can be. When you were near him, you clapped your hands.

“That was a good routine.” you suddenly said. It didn’t surprised him at all. He just turned his head towards your direction then furrowed his brows at you.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. You kept your smile then handed him the water and snacks that you’re holding.

“Water?” you offered. His eyes darted over at the one you were handing him. He sighed as he pursed his lips over at the side trying to suppress his emotions.

“I have one already.” and he even raised his hand that’s holding a water jug. You pouted and then offered him the snacks instead.

“How about snacks? I bet you don’t have it!” you quickly tilted your head to go and look over his stuff to check if there’s any snacks prepared.

He sighed heavily as he stared down over at you. He’s way taller than you so your head was just below his chin. He sniffed, nose starting to get a little bit cold because of staying around the ice rink for too long.

“y/n, you’re supposed to be in the class right now.” he interrupted what you’re doing making you pout a bit more then stand straight in front of him fiddling with the snacks you were holding. His eyes looked fierce as he stares right at you. Feeling kind of intimidated, you lowered down your head.

“How about you? You’re supposed to be in the class too but you’re here!” you even tried to reason out using some nonsense thoughts. You yourself find it a little stupid to say that but it’s too late to take it back. Sunghoon’s already furrowing his brows at you with annoyed look and confusion over his face.

“What? I’m excused because of practice, y/n! What are you even talking about?” he asked you that made your lips pursed more into a pout. You lowered your head.

“I just want to see you...” you muttered under your breath. It was just enough for Sunghoon to hear it. He let out a sigh as he raised one of his hand to massage the bridge of his nose before puffing out a more calmer sigh.

“Alright, you saw me already.” he walked towards his things and laid down his water jug beside his bag. You saw how his eyes darted over you right after. With a quick glance over his eyes, you quickly looked away. It’s not the first time he gave you those icy stares but it still gets you every time.

“Go to class now.” he commanded firmly as he stare at you. Sunghoon was used to your presence. You were always vocal about how you feel towards him so he clearly knows why you’re acting like this. He don’t want to be rude to you since you’re not really doing anything bad.

With a pout you raised your head up, gathering some courage to look right into his icy blank eyes. Butterflies in your stomach went crazy the moment you two met eyes. With a blushing cheeks your hand rise up showing him the snacks you were holding.

“At least take the snacks.” you were pretty consistent too. One thing about you is that you don’t give up so easily. Especially if it’s Sunghoon that we’re talking about. He just kept you going for some reason. You’ve never liked anyone this way and you don’t think you can ever like somebody like this.

Sunghoon sighed as his eyes looked over your now shaded red hand. Because its so cold, your hands now were freezing a bit and it’s red already. Without saying anything, Sunghoon just gently grabbed the snacks and placed it above his bag then moved inside the ice rink because his coach was already calling him.

Your smile grew bigger as you looked at him skating away from where you were. It was just a simple gesture, he didn’t even said anything but still, it made you so happy. To be acknowledged by him, it’s already enough for you.

You smiled brightly as you jogged towards Sunghoon’s table. He was already seated and was flipping through his books. Everyone else were busy talking with their friends and here he is busy fiddling with his text book. Typical, Sunghoon.

You knocked over his table to catch his attention and you succeeded because he raised his head and his icy blank eyes met your warm ones. You smiled showing of your teeth and your eyes smiles together with your lips. You excitedly waved towards him as he gave you those stares. Butterflies went crazy inside your stomach, as usual.

“Good morning!” you greeted him with a smile. He just stared right at you before nodding his head once. Your smile grew bigger and you started walking towards your table to put your things down. Your seat happen to be just beside Sunghoon that’s why you get so lonely whenever he’s not there because of training.

Your teacher arrived and the class soon started. Everyone settled down and silent themselves once she started talking about the discussion for today. You’re silent too but you pulled out something from your bag. With a small smile after glancing over Sunghoon’s direction, you saw how he’s seriously eyeing in front listening attentively. He looked so handsome while a serious face was plastered over his face.

You slowly slid in to his part a notebook. It caught Sunghoon’s attention so he stared down at it for a while before his brows furrowed even more.

“What is this?” he asked you sounding so confused. You gave him a small smile before you looked back in front.

“Notes. I took notes of the lessons you missed because of practice.” you said trying hard to be heard by your teacher.

Sunghoon stared over at the cute notebook and clenched his jaw. He was about to say something but you interrupted him.

“You can’t say no. Just act that I didn’t prepare it for you. Put that inside your bag and I won’t ever bring up that you accepted it.”

“You don’t need to do this, y/n. I can handle myself. The teachers can even provide me the notes, you know?” he didn’t sound upset, offended or anything. It’s like he’s just making you understand a point. You do understand, but you can say you’re a little stubborn.

It just makes you happy whenever you help him even in the smallest ways. You feel like your life had make sense. Sounds a bit weird but that’s how it makes you feel.

You rolled your eyes as you looked back at him. His eyes were already darted over at you so you can’t help but to blush as you stared at each other’s eyes. You can’t still stand it so you lost and looked away.

“I know that but now you won’t have to ask for the notes from them since I already made you one. And besides, isn’t it the thought that counts?” you suddenly turned your head towards him because you thought he’s not looking anymore but your eyes grew big as your nose touched each other.

Sunghoon was caught off guard too. He didn’t even realized that he was leaning so close to you. With both of your cheeks tinted red, you quickly move away from him gulping a bit too hard to get rid of the sudden lump over your throat. You’re not sure if someone saw what just happened but you’re too flustered to even care about it.

The awkwardness slowly grew between you and Sunghoon as the discussion continued. You tilted your head trying to scribble over your notebook. Sunghoon, on the other hand, was trying to catch up to whatever the teacher was saying. His mind was occupied by how close your face was to his tho. He didn’t know you have beautiful eyes. Were your eyes had always been that pretty?

As the discussion went on, the more the two of you slowly feel at ease. It slowly faded away and you two listened carefully to the lesson. Nobody dares to look in each other’s eyes again during the whole period. You feel like your heart will burst if you look at him so refused even though you badly want to.

Break came faster than you expected it to, maybe because you were occupied you didn’t notice the time. As you and your friend walk your way towards the cafeteria to have lunch, you noticed Sunghoon with his friends. They’re kind of loud and loves to goof around while Sunghoon watches them silently. He have this small smirk over his face.

He’s an introvert and just prefer to stick to his small circle of friends that made you interested to him even more. You’re curious as to how he is when he’s with those people he’s close to. When he’s with the people he cares and value. Your stomach turns just by thinking of caring Sunghoon, bet he’s so warm to those people. You can’t help but to feel a little envy.

“Watching Sunghoon again, huh?” your friend took notice of your eyes not leaving the quiet boy. You smiled at her and you started eating your lunch. Your table was just a couple of tables away from their group so you can hear them being loud and rowdy.

“He’s so cute, right?” you told your friend while smiling. She gave you a smile as well and nodded her head. She’s actually amused at how you’re so consistent with showering Sunghoon love. She feels bad too because she thinks the boy is just too cold and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment.

“Don’t you think he’s a bit too cold for you?” she asked you and your smile faltered a little bit but you were quick enough to put it up once again. You thought about it as well but you just can’t find anyone you can like other than him. You tried, but you just can’t seem to like anybody else other than him.

Your eyes dropped over to your food, “He isn’t called the Ice Prince for nothing, f/n.” then you smiled at her. She rolled her eyes as she chuckle realizing you have a point.

“I’ll serve as the warm one, he’ll provide the cold.” you jokingly stated that made her laugh. That actually made sense because you are a very warm person that people really just can’t help but to adore you. You’re always bright and positive.

You walked inside the Ice arena holding a water bottle at one hand and snacks at the other one. It’s weekend and you heard that Sunghoon’s gonna be here and since you have nothing else to do, you decided to drop by even just for a short time. You just want to see him doing short routines and maybe give him the things you brought with you.

As you enter, you already saw him at the rink doing some moves that you don’t know. It was graceful as always for your opinion but something’s just not right, he’s face looked so stressed out. He isn’t wearing his usual blank expression while he’s coach were telling him a few things. He ran his hands over to his hair once.

The frustration get a bit more clearer the more you approach the railings. There’s nobody else here with him practicing. He stopped at doing three amazing spins but despite that he looked unsatisfied. He slid towards his coach as he told him things that just made his jaw clenched. You’re a bit far from him so you can’t hear it but it seems like he isn’t happy about it.

He ran his hands over to his hair again as he nodded his head towards the coach. He tapped his shoulder once before he exited the rink off to somewhere. You watched as Sunghoon skate his way towards a bench to maybe rest. You pouted feeling upset now that he looked upset.

A big heavy sigh was the first one you heard the moment you approached him. He clasped his hands together as he rested his elbows over his knees. His eyes were pierced over to the vacant ice rink. He seems like to be in his deep thought as you watch his fingers fiddled a bit too furiously.

“I thought you want to keep your hands clean as much as possible? It won’t look clean if you bruised it.” you decided to let him know your presence.

He looked over your direction a bit surprised that you’re here. Well, you do often come during his practices but today is weekend. He didn’t actually expect you to be here at all.

You gave him a small wave and your signature bright smile and walked even closer. He just silently watch as you approach where he was seating.

“What are you doing here?” sounding a bit amused, it didn’t came out as a rude remark. It came out more of with curiosity.

You smiled again like as if you’re not smiling already then sat down over at the bench next to where Sunghoon was. “I came to see you practicing.” you were honest and direct to the point.

He let out a sigh and rolled his eyes looking away. “You should go, this isn’t really a good time to bother me.” he bit his lower lip after letting out those words. He was frustrated that he can’t stop his own mouth from saying harsh words. Sunghoon is cold towards you, but he never been so rude.

He was just so stressed out because of practice. With the competition just around the corner and all the pressure the people around him was giving him, he can’t keep himself calm down.

You pouted, you’ve never seen him this frustrated in all the practices that you’ve been present. It somehow upsets you because you don’t want him looking like this.

“Why? What’s going on?” Sunghoon furrowed his brows at you clenching his jaw as your soft voice slowly reached out over his iced heart.

He was about to tell you to go home and leave him be because he’s kind of getting alarmed by how you’re making him feel but he was stunned when your eyes met his. He suddenly got the flash back of your eyes in up-close.

“Are you okay?” you asked once again with worry all over your eyes. Sunghoon lost it. For weeks of being under so much pressure and heavy practices, this is the first time someone actually asked if he’s okay.

He lowered his head feeling something melting inside of him. You got worried seeing him like this so without even realizing it, you walked towards him and sat down closer.

“Is everything okay?” you asked again then gulped worriedly.

Sunghoon shut his eyes balling his fist. He was restraining himself to be close to you since he think it wouldn’t be good for the two of you but your soft voice and comforting aura doesn’t help him after all. It kept on sounding so comforting like as if something’s pulling him closer to you.

He looked at your eyes for a while before he glanced away seconds after. He gulped, “I’m so t-tired.” there’s something in his voice that you couldn’t explain. It hurts you to hear him like that.

“Then rest. If you’re tired, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break.” you don’t know what to tell him exactly because you’re not an ice skater first of all, then you’re not sporty as well.

He looked at you with his blank expression that made you a bit anxious. You probably sound dumb at what you said and it didn’t made sense to him at all. You sighed and pursed your lips before you starred over the snacks down at your hand.

“Look, Sunghoon. You might feel under a lot of pressure right now that’s why you’re pushing yourself to do so much. I understand that you want to do good and everything but you also need to rest. Physically and mentally, if you’re tired you need to at least take a break.” you heaved a sigh after telling him those words.

His eyes slowly trailed down to his hands that were now calmer than before. He do realized how the pressure stressed him out and did think it kind of not healthy for him anymore. But he doesn’t really have a choice, it’s not like he have anything better to do other than to practice.

He sighed and pushed himself up to go back to the ice rink and maybe practice a little bit more of those routines. You followed him silently as a brilliant suddenly came up inside your head. You stood up leaving the snacks and water back at the bench as you come near the railings to call for Sunghoon.

“Sunghoon!” You shouted his name. He was already half-way in the middle of the rink when he turned his head over at you. With a little hand gestures of him to come closer, he let out a sigh and with a blushing face, he did approach you.

You smiled as he came closer, “Do you want to like spend the day with me instead? We can do all fun stuff today so you can relax!” you told him. You’re not really sure if he’ll agree or what but you still want to try your shot. Honestly, you don’t have anything plan for today. You just really want to go at the ice rink to go and see him even just for a short time but since it worries you so much, you wanted to at least make him feel a bit better.

He stared at you for a while before rested one of his hand over at the railings. Your eyes darted it for a while and you blush when you noticed it inches away from yours.

“What will we do? And besides, I don’t think my coach will let me go today.” he said sounding a bit bored. You smiled and raised your hand showing him your pale palm because of cold. Sunghoon’s eyes noticed it and realized even when you’ve been here a lot of times, you must’ve been still not used too with the cold.

“I can ask for his permission myself! You can just wait for me here.” you told him excitedly. The fact that he didn’t really straight up rejected your offered hyped you up.

He can’t even say anything else with what you said. He’s used to about your pursuing skills but he can’t believe you can go as far as that just for him. You smiled at him, making him blush a bit. You didn’t noticed it since you turned around and walked towards where his coach is probably.

You did see him talking to somebody so you patiently wait for them to finish. When you saw them bidding good-bye’s with each other, you straight up went closer to him.

“Coach-nim!” you called him out. When he noticed you, he kind of looked surprised because it is weekend. He do know you for someone who likes Sunghoon and visit him here often.

“oh, y/n-ah! What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I came to watch Sunghoon, coach-nim.” you smiled at him. He smiled as well finding it amusing how hard working you are for Sunghoon.

“Really? But Sunghoon’s not in good condition today, tho? He kept on making mistakes with his routines.” he sounded worried for him too. You pouted feeling worried once again.

“About that... can I snatch him from practice today? I feel like he’s under so much pressure lately that it stressed him out too much.” you said with both hands clasped together like as if you’re praying.

His brows furrowed and did noticed that Sunghoon did look like he’s under so much stress lately. With a smile, he gave you a small nod. You shrieked in happiness.

“Maybe Sunghoon do need to relax to lessen his stress.” he said. Both of you walked back to the ice rink together. You listened carefully with his reminders with you. He asked you to avoid heavy activities that might cause injury to Sunghoon.

“Sunghoon!” he called out the boy who’s in the middle of the ice rink and still trying to do some routines. He raised his head and looked over your direction. He slowly skate closer and his coach talked to him and his eyes darted over at you. After their talk, he skates outside the rink and gather all his stuff.

“I’ll just change. C-Can you wait for a bit?” he asked glancing away for a while because he’s shy. You chuckled and nodded excitedly at him.

“Where are we going?” he asked you as he followed behind you cutely. You turned your head towards him and saw him starring at you like a bored child.

He’s walking so slow, cutely waddling behind you. With a sigh and after you rolled your eyes, you decided to walk closer to him and pull him by his arm. “Can you just follow me?”

You didn’t told him where you two will be going because you wanted to surprise him. As you made it to the building, Sunghoon starred at it innocently. It’s obvious he haven’t been there before which is a good sign. As you pull him inside, he realized you took him to a pet cafe.

He grew a small smile over at his face because he do want to go here but because he can’t find himself asking his friends to go with him, he didn’t had the chance to. And besides, he don’t want to go alone.

“Y/n!” the owner already know you since you’re often here. You gave her a hug as her eyes darted over the tall figure behind you. He have this blank expression with his face but he did bowed a little to show manners.

“Who’s this fine man with you?” her eyes gave the two of you those teasing look. Sunghoon glanced away as he scratched the back of his head feeling shy as you blush as well.

“U-Unnie, this is Sunghoon. Sunghoon, meet f/n unnie. She’s a friend and she owns the cafe.” you said. He bowed again, still looked liked a snob. Your unnie’s moth went ‘o’ as she realized it’s the guy you’re always talk about.

“Oh! He’s Sunghoon! The one you always talk about!” she blurted out even before you can stop her. You blush hard as that caught Sunghoon’s attention. He looked at you and saw how your face was so red.

Slowly, a small smile spread through his face finding you cute. Before your Unnie can spill more about you talking about Sunghoon, you asked if you two can go inside and play with the dogs. She did let you in and thankfully let the two of you play with them peacefully.

“So you talk about me with other people?” Sunghoon was suddenly in the mood to tease you. He said that while you’re seating beside him busy feeding the dogs that were hovering you around.

You blushed once again as you lower down your head. It made him smile even more, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarra--”

“Nah, that’s okay. I just hope they’re all good things.” he said that made you raise your head to look at him. He’s not looking at you anymore but he have this small smile over his face as he play with the other dogs.

“Aaaaaack! No! They’re everywhere! Where is it? AAAAAA Y/n help!” you can’t stop laughing as you watch Sunghoon do the VR thing. You’ve never thought you’ll see this side of him. It was so cute!

He reached over you trying to get a hold of your arm for support but you moved away making him scream as the zombie in the game kept crowding him. He was gaining attention the moment you two entered the place because he’s so good-looking, now he gathered attention because he screamed so much.

You were having the best time of your life just by watching him enjoy (?) the VR. When he finished, it looked like he lost his soul and that made you laugh so hard. His head snapped over your direction then marched towards you making your shriek in terror and ran away. But he scooted you pretty quickly and spun you around once both of you end up laughing.

“I told you I don’t like the scary one!” he told you but you were still busy laughing. He then broke into a smile as he watch you laugh heartedly. It was a fun scene to enjoy.

You two spend the whole day just randomly trying new stuff together. It ended pretty well and without even realizing it, you two just grew closer to each other. Time passed by quickly and after enjoying the day, Sunghoon decided to walk you home already. You two were just silently walking side by side but it wasn’t awkward at all.

With hands holding an ice cream, you two trailed the way over to your house. As you arrived, you turned to face him smiling. You can’t describe how happy you’re currently feeling. It was just overwhelming.

“Thank you for today, Sunghoon! I really had fun.” with full sincerity, you told Sunghoon starring at his eyes. You blushed as you saw how his lips formed into a smile. His hand then reached out to you then gently messes your hair. You were dumbfounded for a moment.

“I should be the one thanking you.” he shortly replied. With your cheeks still blushing like crazy, you smiled at him.

“Are you feeling a bit better now?” you asked curiously, eyes getting a bit bigger with anticipation. Sunghoon smirked as he find you cute with that innocent looking face.

“I feel so much better now.” and he smiled once again. Your lips fell open when he showed you those smile again. You can’t even count how many times he smiled today! You are so happy that you’ve got to make him smile. Is this how a Park Sunghoon warms up to people?

“I’m glad I could help.” you felt shy when you realized you’ve been starring so much. After a small wave, he told you to go inside since it’s late already.

Feeling a bit sad that the day’s finally over, you pouted as you turn around then started walking towards your house. You were already near the house when he suddenly called out for you.

“Y/n!” you were fast to turned back around waiting for what he’s gonna say.

Showing off his boyish grin, he told you, “Next weekend, do you want to skate?” your heart beat went crazy the moment you heard him say that. Is he asking you to hang out with him?

“That sounds so fun but I don’t know how to skate!” you ended it with a pout that made him chuckled softly.

“That’s fine, you got me beside you the whole time. You’ve got the best trainer with you.” and he even raised his fist cutely. Your smile got bigger, looking at him.

You raised your fist at mid-air too, “Yay! I’m excited!”

“You’re here.” he noticed you right away when you entered the arena. He’s the only one in the middle the rink and as usual, Sunghoon looked fine. The week passed by like a blur. With the exams nearing, everyone was busy and Sunghoon was busy with practices as well so he didn’t went to school that much.

“Hi.” you greeted shyly. You don’t know what’s up with you but you’re extra shy today. Knowing that he invited you to be here this time and that you didn’t come here uninvited feels so great.

He smiled, “Let’s gear you up first!” he sounded excited. Well he is excited. He really did had so much fun last weekend so he’s really looking forward to making you try skating. He skate towards the exit so he can go out of the rink and help you with the figure skates. He told you he’ll provide one so you won’t have to worry about it.

Sunghoon helped you wearing it, like literally he made you sit down and he’s the one who wear it to your feet. After that, you started feeling nervous again just by thinking of going inside the rink. But despite of the worried feeling, you were excited. Excited to know more of him by joining in one of the things he values the most.

“Okay, careful. I’ll hold unto you, don’t worry.” he was very patient as he guides you inside the rink. As expected it wasn’t easy, but having Sunghoon beside you sure helped a lot.

Step by step, he tried teaching you the basics. He told you how you can safely land to prevent injuries and what to do to keep your balance and so on. Slowly, you did some progress faster than you expected.

“Woah, you’re talented!” he exclaimed and right after he said that you fell flat your butt.

There’s a couple seconds of silence before you two broke into laughter. It didn’t hurt but it sure is embarrassing but making it as a source of laughter eases it down. He skates easily towards you to help you get up.

“Chase me down, y/n! I’ll buy you ice cream if you can touch me even for once!” he suddenly told you as he dash away from you. You shrieked at him but tried your very best to catch him.

He played with you pretty badly as he kept on skating fast when you just learned how to do it. With a pout you finally gave up. He chuckled finding you cute as he slowly approached you.

“Since you worked hard, I’ll give you consolation price.” he said with a smirk over his face.

“What is it?” you asked curious.

“Ice cream.”

You laughed, "Your price is ice cream and your consolation price is ice cream too?" you asked finding it funny. He just nodded his head like an excited kid.

When he near you, you smiled at him. “Why don’t you do some routines for me? I’ll be here and watch.” you suddenly suggested.

Sunghoon's eyes darted you and you saw something flickered into his eyes. He smirked as he ran his hand over his hair once.

“What do I get in return?” he asked you teasing. You pursed your lips in a pout trying to think of something you can bribe him.

On the other hand, Sunghoon was busy eyeing your puckered lips. It was so red like your cheeks because of the cold. He gulped trying to look away but his eyes trail back over to your lips for some reason. He tilted his head a bit trying to shrug off the taught.

“What do you want then?” you ended up just asking him. You can’t think of things to bribe him so you decided to just ask him. You’re pretty sure you’ll try and give it to him just to see him skate exclusively for you today.

He smirked slowly skating towards you.

“How about a kiss?” your smile faltered at what you just heard from him.

You even thought you heard the wrong thing. Are you that crazy for him that you actually misheard him asking you for a kiss? Aaaa. Unhealthy.

You shook your head a bit, “H-Huh?” you asked trying to make him say it again to be clear.

He smirked and made it in front of you. Feeling nervous you slid your feet away from him but he was quick enough to go closer. He leaned downward so your eyes will be at the same level.

"a kiss?”

Your cheeks turned so hot as your eyed starred intensely through each other. He showed you a boyish grin showing off that cute vampire teeth at the corner. You gulped, trying to show him it didn’t affect you that much even though you can feel your heart going crazy inside of you.

“O-Okay! A kiss in the cheek if you do the routine perfectly.” slowly leaning away you saw his smirk towards you.

“I didn’t say anything about cheeks. What do you think of me, a child? I want a kiss in the lip---” you were quick enough to interrupt what he was saying.

“Go on and start with it Park Sunghoon. I repeat, I want it to be perfect. I’ll be very strict.” you tried shutting off what he just saying. He chuckled finding it cute that you kept changing the topic.

He did a playful salute. “Yes, Ma'am.” and he swiftly skate towards the middle. Sunghoon felt at ease as he started doing the routines he’s been practicing for his next competition. He was completely into it when he started skating gracefully. Your mouth fell open as you watch his every moves. He’s very talented and it feels like he's really born to skate.

You can’t help but to feel a bit teary eyed when you saw him smiling while skating. He really do enjoy it so much. As he gracefully do everything without any mistakes, you just find your heart beating like crazy. It's like it’s rejoicing because the person who she belongs to.

Wiping off the tears away quickly before he can even see it, Sunghoon was smiling brightly as he approach you closer.

“How’s that?”

“Perfect.” you muttered right away. He smiled and leaned downward towards you.

You get it right away so you blushed furiously then sighed heavily trying to calm yourself down. He smirked as he tapped his cheeks where he wants you to give him a kiss. With another big sigh, you decided to lean fast to ease the racing of your heart.

But Sunghoon suddenly turned his head purposely causing both of your lips crashing into each other. Your eyes grew big as you became dumbfounded at the moment. He copied your expression making you feel flustered even more. He started skating away and you tried to catch him behind.

“Yah! Come back here!”

“Catch me first!”

And you two continued the day by just playing with each other in the rink growing closer and developing something special between the two of you.

As Monday came, you were early in school because you had to copy some notes in one subject that you happen to miss because of a club meeting. You're too busy with what you were doing that you didn’t noticed Sunghoon entering the room. Girls inside the room greeted him that he didn’t really bothered responding to. They were used to it tho, he’s naturally like that.

But what they didn’t expect is when he smiled a little as he approach the seat beside you. Finding you too occupied by what you were writing, he suddenly covered your eyes from behind.

You smiled after being shock for a while, “Park Sunghoon, i’m copying notes right now.” you muttered that made him smirk as he lets go from you.

“How did you know?”

“Your hands were too cold. How’s practice?” you asked. He's from practice and he went straight here for class that’s why his hands were cold.

He sat down beside you as he kept your eyes glued at you. It’s like there’s nobody else inside the room, it’s like it’s just the two of you. For him, you’re one of the few people he freely lets into his world.

You fished something from your bag then handed it over to him then you continued writing once again. Sunghoon looked over at what you handed him with confused eyes.

“What is this?” he asked.

“Hot packs. I bought them on my way here. I figured your hands would be so cold so I decided to buy you some.” you told him like it was nothing. But without you knowing, you just caught him off guard. You’re naturally caring but he didn’t know if he deserve something as great as this.

He didn’t even notice he grew attached to you. With a small smile he opened the hot packs and kept smiling like an idiot beside you.

The students around you were obviously amused at how you two were acting. The girls envied how affectionate he is towards you. They’ve never seen him like that. Suddenly, the Ice Prince is now warm towards someone. It sure is interesting.

The days continued like that. You two becoming more close to each other. You often spend time together and find it odd whenever one of you is not around. It’s like you two can’t be a part from each other anymore.

“Where are you going?” he asked when he noticed you rising up from your seat.

You looked at him and smiled, “I’m just going to the rest room.” you told him.

He gave you a short nod trying hard not to ask you if he can go and accompany you. He doesn’t want you to think that he’s a creep or something.

You hurried yourself to the bathroom when you feel a bit off. Lately, you noticed that you’re not feeling well. You often just shrug it off telling yourself that maybe it’s just because you didn’t have enough sleep or something. The moment you arrived at the bathroom, you felt yourself coughing so you did. It was a bit hard and made your chest ache a bit.

As you raise your head to look in the mirror, you were confused as you saw blood streaming down your nose.

Sunghoon grew so attached to you that’s why when you suddenly skipped class for almost a week now, he grew worried of you. He didn’t want to make you think he’s too clingy or anything so he tried really hard not to go to your house. Maybe you’re on a vacation. But without telling him? You often tell things to him.

Feeling so frustrated about it, he decided to approach your friend. He never talked to her but for you, he’ll do it.

“f/n.” he called her out with cold flat voice.

She turned her head towards him a little shock that Park Sunghoon is in front of her. The students together with her was dumbfounded as well.

“Uh, do you know where Y/n is or is anything happened to her?”

She felt something lights up inside of her that make her happy seeing how Sunghoon really warmed up for you. She realized that you really did melt the ice in him but she slowly felt a bit sad for the two of you.

She tried pulling off a smile for him.

“She was sick for days so she can’t go to school, Sunghoon.” she saw how he furrowed his brows. When it comes to you, he sure do shows a lot of expressions.

"why she didn’t tell me?” she shrugged her shoulder off.

“maybe she didn’t want to worry you.” he wasn’t convinced. He’s still furrowing his brows.

He clenched his jaw as he nodded at her, “Okay. I’ll just go and see her later.

”Her eyes grew big, “No! U-Uh, she’ll go to school tomorrow so you don’t have to check on her anymore.” even if she sounded a bit suspicious for Sunghoon, to hear that you’re finally going to school sure excites him.

He nodded and turned his back at her after saying a soft thank you.

“Sunghoon!” to hear your voice sure made him so happy but he made sure he didn’t show it. He turned around showing off a serious expression.

His eyes trailed from your hair down to your feet. There you are, walking closer to him. He didn’t even realize how much he missed you until you’re now here again in front of him.

He rolled his eyes. “What made you think it’s a good decision not to tell me that you’re sick?” he asked you with furrowed brows.

You kept your smile, to see him again after so long just made you so happy. To see him in front of you looking so worried makes you somewhat happy because it just showed how he cares for you.

But it also makes you so scared. How come all of this is happening right after you became close to the person you love? You felt so guilty for making him grew close to you and seeing him getting attach to you just makes it even more hurtful.

Why does all of this have to happen after you melted the Ice Prince’s ice?

Sunghoon noticed right away that you’re unusually pale. Your lips aren’t as red as always and your face seems like it lost weight.

He raised his hand to cup your face, “Why are you so pale? Are you still sick?” he asked, worry lures over his tone.

Stopping yourself from crying you smiled, shaking your head lightly. “I’m fine now.” you lied.

“I have something for you.” you said changing the topic. He furrowed his brow as he looked down over the gift you prepared for him.

Since you’ve been gone for a week, you missed a lot of things including Sunghoon’s match. He did won and you were so proud of him.

“What’s this?” Sunghoon asked eyes glued over to the present.

You pouted, “I’m sorry I couldn’t attend your match.” you started feeling a bit more emotional. Starting to feel a little ache over your chest, you tried to dismiss the thought.

“It doesn’t matter. As long as you’re okay now.” he told you and brushed away some strands of hair away from your pale face.

He clenched his jaw while he examined you. He couldn’t tell what’s up but something sure is wrong.

You smiled trying really hard to stop yourself from crying. You handed him the gift again making him raise up his head to you.

Your eyesight slowly became blurry as the pain in your body kind of became impossible to ignore.

As he looked back to you, his brows furrowed when he saw blood rushing down to your nose.

“Are you okay? Y/n!” he was fast enough to catch you when you lost consciousness. He tried to wake you up as he called out for help.

Your friend saw and quickly dialed your parent’s number. Everyone’s shock at what’s happening. Sunghoon was panicking as he stared at your unconscious self.

“Sunghoon, carry her. Let’s take her out of the building. We already called the ambulance.” Sunghoon looked up over to his friend, Heeseung

He nodded and easily carried you. As he ran while you’re over his arm, he doesn’t know how much fear he was feeling. To have you over his arm looking like that scared him so much. He doesn’t know what’s happening to you or what’s wrong. He’s never been this scared in his life.

“y/n! Hold on, baby.” he whispered eyes getting a bit teary and lips shaking.

All you can hear was muffled sound. You feel like you’re whole body was so heavy and that you’re in somewhere deep. Everything was dark but you sure can hear familiar voices around you.

You can hear your Mom’s soft cries, your Dad’s voice that’s trying to calm her down. But there were nowhere around. You can’t see anything but dark. It feared you.

“Y/n, sweetie.” you can hear your Mom called out for you.

As you feel warm hands gently massaging your arm, like as if some force pulled you, your eyes slowly opened to be greeted by a familiar room.

“U-Umma...” heads snapped towards you. You saw your Mother smiled warmly at you. She looked so happy despite of the tears all over her eyes.

As you roam your eyes around, your heart pounded when you realized you’re back at the hospital. Where they kept you for a week... away from Sunghoon.

Sunghoon...

You were with him. And as if on cue, Sunghoon’s tall figure came into your line of sight. You saw his worried and at the same time relieved face. His eyes... it isn’t cold. It was like it just finished from crying.

Your eyes cried as you glanced away from him, guilty. Pain was all over your body but the pain in your heart for him was the one that stands out the most.

“I don’t want to be here! I wanna go home, umma!” You started crying loudly making everyone go in panic.

Your brother looked over Sunghoon and asked if he can call the doctor that he quickly agreed too. You fainted two days before and ever since, he can’t sleep properly.

When he was on his way back to your room, he heard you crying to your family. He stopped from walking inside deciding that he should go and give you guys some privacy. But before your feet can even move, he heard you mentioning his name.

“He can’t know about my condition, umma! Please, just tell him not to go here anymore! I don't want to see him! He’s just gonna be sad, it’ll hurt him. It’s my fault appa!” you cried hardly. He clenched his fist as he heard you say those words.

“I’m gonna die. I’ll leave him soon, it’ll break him.” Sunghoon’s eyes watered as he heard you say those words.

To hear that you’ve got Leukemia felt like his whole world colapsed, to hear it actually from you, just hits him too hard.

“Y/n! You’re not gonna die! We’re here for you. The doctor’s said you can still make it. Honey, you won’t die.” Your Mom told you but you just kept crying.

Your brother reached over your hand as both your parents hugged you, crying. You looked over your brother and it broke him. To see his sister at a state like this, pale and full of pain was hard for him. He’s not used to it.

“Oppa, i don’t want my ice prince sad. I don’t want to see him sad, please.” your plea hurts him even more. Sunghoon heard everything and he was sad as well. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to stay beside you.

He loves you, and if anything, this is the time where you need him the most. He won’t disappoint you.

Sunghoon didn’t visit for days. You kind of admit, you missed his presence. But you thought, it’s also for the best.

“Y/n, honey? Do you want to go at the rooftop?” you turned over your Mom and she’s smiling at you.

You lost weight pretty fast than expected. You‘re starting to feel your whole body to ache more often too. With a nod, you decided to go to the place in this hospital that somehow ease your worries.

Slowly, you and your Mom went over the rooftop. But after she opened the entrance, you already started bursting into tears.

There were cute decorations everywhere. Some of your relatives were there. As your Mom slowly guides you at the center, your eyes met a pair of familiar eyes.

The eyes of the person you’ve been missing.

“W-what are you doing here?” you asked towards him.

He smiled a little approaching you while holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses. Your eyes watered and so does the people around you.

“I love you, y/n.”

Of course you’re aware of what he felt towards you. That’s why you knew as well he’ll be so sad if he knew about your condition.

You tried smiling even when tears stream down your eyes, “Acute Myeloid Leukemia said no, Sunghoon. It said I’m all his.” you tried to say it as a joke.

He shed tears as well and it broke you. You didn’t know looking at him standing in front of you hurt. You're scared to leave this people around you.

“Call him out then, baby. Let’s beat him together. Let’s beat that cancer together.” your eyes looked over his hand that was reaching out for you. With eyes full of tears, you reached out for it.

Sunghoon pulled you into a hug as everyone cheered around you. He was happy to have you around his arms. He loves you so much that he’ll never leave you.

“I’m scared, Sunghoon.” you cried over his chest. He dropped a kiss over your head before whispering, “I know, but I’ll be just here for you. We’ll all be here for you.”

You nodded your head and that where it all started. That's where you’re fight with cancer started. You struggled a lot but he made sure he was there. He made sure you know he was with you in every trials.

It was decided that the only way to cure you was a bone marrow transplant. The doctor said that if the operation went well, you’ll be good. You’ll live. It wasn’t easy to look for a donor. You’ve waited and waited. And Sunghoon was with you all along. Months passed by and you’re love just grew even more stronger.

He stayed with you always and had proved his love to you. He was very patient at you and always make sure hat you’re well and everything. He was there to cheer you up every time you feel like losing hope, he’s there to make you happy, he’s there to calm you down and he’s there to keep you on fighting. You’re just beyond thankful for him.

Then it finally happened, with tears all over your eyes you called Sunghoon. He was in the middle of practice for a competition.

“Baby! Is everything alright?” he picked up right away.

“Sunghoon...”

His heart thumped in worry.

“Tell me what baby? You’re making me nervous right now.”

“The doctor called... She said I already have a donor.”

Sunghoon was silent in the other line. He was crying. This time, happy tears. It felt like all your wait was all worth it.

“You’ll be alright.” Sunghoon said to you while smiling. You’re already in your hospital gown.

“I’ll see you guys later.” you tried to look brave for all of them. Sunghoon smiled at you as he leaned forward giving you a smack over your lips.

“Come back to me healthy, okay?” he muttered.

You nodded your head and waved at them. You were taken at the room where they’ll perform the surgery.

“Are you ready, y/n?” your doctor asked you.

You nodded as you slowly felt your eyes getting heavy.

“Do you promise to get me ice cream after?” you pouted over at Sunghoon who’s leaning over the railings.

He nodded smiling at you with a cocky grin, “If you can beat me, baby.” and he slid his way towards you to give you a kiss at your lips.

You frowned at your boyfriend, “Don’t you think you’re being a little unfair here? You’re asking me to race you!”

He smiled at your cuteness and just shrugged his shoulders off. You rolled your eyes, surrendering.

You finally concurred cancer. Sunghoon did stayed with you and never left your side. He was so happy that you’re okay now and that he can spend the rest of his life with you. For him, to be given the opportunity of meeting you is just life-turn event. You were his happiness.

When you started sliding through the ice, you were smiling at the thought you’re getting ahead of him only to be surprised when he hugged you suddenly.

"i love you, y/n."

You smiled warmly returning the hug. “I love you, Sunghoon. Thank you for staying beside me.”

He smiled, “Thank you for not leaving me and for fighting.” and he leaned towards you kissing you passionately.

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