#Went through wild depressive episodes

[arabriddler]

2 months until my birthday my 23rd year of life was kind of wild

[lurkingshan]

My mind has been spinning and spinning around episodes 3 and 4, and I have so many feelings about them that I have been struggling to decide what I want to write about. One of @bengiyo's questions is about the different feel of this part of the story in the transition from page to screen, including the overall kdramafication effect, and I felt that most keenly where Hyung was concerned.

Let's start with the obvious: Hyung is not supposed to be this young and hot. But then, Young is not supposed to look like Nam Yoon Su, so I guess we can let that one go. More than that, though, I think episode 3 went out of its way to make Yeong Su a more appealing love interest than he ever seemed to be in the novel, and that had a clear purpose: to make the comedown in episode 4 so much worse.

Episode 3 used the familiar trappings of romance dramas to help us understand why Go Yeong was so drawn to this man despite some of his rough edges. They had interesting dates with good conversations. They shared an umbrella in the rain. They kissed sexily outside. They danced together in Yeong Su's (much nicer than described in the book) apartment. I may or may not have actually said OH MY GOD out loud when they were moving together to that old song; it was intoxicating in exactly the way early attraction is. Instead of viewing Hyung through the bitter recollections of Young's memory already knowing he's a bastard, we experienced him the way Go Yeong did when he was first catching his interest, and it was easy to see why he would latch onto this man as a balm and a distraction while he was going through a very hard time with his mother's illness.

Which means it hurt so much worse when Go Yeong emerged from that initial haze in episode 4 and realized who Yeong Su really was. He got a hard look at the deep internalized homophobia Yeong Su was carrying and projecting onto him, and it was not pleasant, nor was the way it echoed across his experiences with his mother.

Another interesting change made in the adaptation was to increase the severity of Hyung's crime; where in the novel he only searched and read articles on the evils of homosexuality, in the show he wrote the damn article while Go Yeong slept in his bed. A much larger betrayal and blow for Young. And this makes sense for the screen version, IMO; the romance is deeper and therefore so must be the fracture. Everything is just a bit bigger and more dramatic to amplify the themes of the story and to help the audience understand why this might drive Go Yeong to such a low moment without the benefit of his internal monologue to connect all the dots.

I was reflecting on these changes and how they affected the tone when I read @solitaryandwandering's thoughts, because I was intrigued by her reception of these episodes as darker, where for me, with the (much) more depressing novel version in my head, they felt lighter than expected. Which is kind of a wild thing to say about a section of the story that includes Young's suicide attempt, but context is everything! The T-aras, of course, also contribute to how different this section feels. In the book, Young is presented as so isolated and alone with this relationship, but in the show he has friends who know and care and try to help and show up for him in his low moment to make sure he is not alone. It makes such a difference to the bleakness of it all, and also makes the story feel more cohesive across the different parts in a way the book intentionally does not.

I think ultimately the adaptation choices made here were smart, and I continue to be impressed with how thoughtful Sang Young Park has been with his different visions for his story in each medium.

[bananonbinary]

ive never actually watched anything gordon ramsey (except chef jr) so i thought id check out kitchen nightmares

it is WILD how different the british 2004 version is from the american 2007 version oh my god

and its not because "ooh americans are insane"

the british one (at least the first few episodes ive seen) is a little depressing, because they didnt do a good job framing a narrative arc. a restaurant is suffering believable problems, ramsey comes in, fixes the restaurant...and then theres a check in a month later to reveal that it went back to shit the second he left. it's honest, but not very fun television.

the american one has the opposite problem. i actually couldnt even get through the first episode because it's so over-the-top obviously staged bullshit. like i can practically SEE the director off screen saying "yes! now everyone shout at once!" and theres a cheesy narrator telling me EXACTLY what i'm supposed to feel at all times. i guess its probably entertaining for some people, but my god i can actively feel my brain going numb at how stupid and substanceless it is.

like, i know reality tv is a shithole, but surely there was a middle ground here, where they told mostly real stories, but with a little bit more editing flare to give it a satisfying emotional arc.

[rifki16]

Love is Better the Second Time Around the Finale

Picture credit : Love is Better the Second Time Around Promotional Twitter account | https://x.com/koi_nido/status/1777532279985668281?s=46

I think I want to have a new tradition in adding a tagline or summary of my analysis immediately underneath the title, for this one is a rushed hollow sweet cake finale.

Of course, spoilers ahead!

During the 5th episode, @respectthepetty told me that some of Tumblr BL watchers deemed the episode was too rush, and filled with unnecessary plotlines. Well, if they were disappointed by the pace of the last episode, I bet you my bottom dollar that they will be less amused by the finale. Although, I still think that the episode is sweet – of course that’s my emotional part of the brain talking, not the rational one.

In terms of the plotline, I have several huge plot holes which you, my dear reader(s) might maybe find an answer which can help me love this episode even more.

Okay, Hiro and Takashi broke up. Then, Takashi sent flowers to Hiro’s workplace. Sure, still heard of, not that out-of-character for Takashi. Hiro became buried deep in his own “sad boy house�� dirt. You know what, as I have written in the analysis of episode 5, great plotline, I have never seen it in a Japanese BL work before. But then, after Shiraishi “slipped” his tongue, during a conversation which I really could not foresee happening between love enemies, and told Hiro that Takashi was at his family’s place. Huh? My confusion is wouldn’t Takashi family’s place be the first place that Hiro would go or check on after they broke up and Hiro found out that Takashi already emptied out his place? Takashi and Hiro broke up right after Takashi’s sister came to Takashi’s place with Hiro present and told them both that Takashi was needed at his family’s place – an event which Hiro was made like such an outsider. This is not The Pornographer: the Film (2021), in which Rio left his place with no explanations and left Kuzumi without any explanations and Kuzumi was practically going door to door with his suitcase trying to find that s.o.b. Takashi is from a very well-off family. He wouldn’t go to a brothel-café-Karaoke joint to just avoid Hiro or recuperate from his breakup. You know what I forgive – give the writers some leaps into faith on the events preceding Shiraishi telling Hiro that Takashi at his family place: the fact that somehow Hiro broke his depression – sad cycle and actually took an initiative and went to Takashi’s place, that then pushed him to take even riskier steps which was contacting Shiraishi or, even the fact that Shiraishi somehow entertained the question that Hiro asked not only through some faceless email, but actually having a meeting with Hiro and ended up having the slip of the tongue moment. I mean I know that Shiraishi has the cut-throat personality inside him, the fact that he did not tell Takashi about the deadline in episode 3. Sure, let’s take another leap right, maybe, the fact that Shiraishi said during the meeting with Hiro that he has conceded his loss to Hiro, maybe he wouldn’t just do something shady like sending Hiro into a wild goose chase or something but still. It’s just that we didn’t know more of Shiraishi’s motivations. Okay, we know that he fell for Takashi, one-sidedly, but is he then a type of the ex-unrequited lover who will support his lover no matter what or not? Okay now I’m dwelling into something that I have promised I would take a leap for.

Okay sure, Takashi finally confronted his mother about being abandoned. Takashi’s colours are now more understood right? He needed to conceal himself from the world because once when he did, his mother shunned him off, hence why he “did not soak his pillow in his tears” when Hiro and himself broke up, hence why every time Takashi did some grand gestures or even said some sappy lovey-dovey thing to Hiro, Hiro always felt like he was in the uncanny valley: something was not right. Takashi might say or do the right things, but Hiro always had, in mine opinion, gut feeling that Takashi-san was not sincere, which was why Hiro-kun kept questioning his love to him. Sure, I accept the line of logic, and the late dot connections which made me kept questioning what was wrong with Takashi’s actions that made Hiro kept pressing Takashi on his sincerity. But then, Takashi had the confrontational conversation with Kyosuke and they conversed well about how Kyosuke leaked a picture of Takashi or was it Hiro – I do not dare to take a look at that scene at all. Props to the writers for emphasizing what Kyosuke did was a criminal act, regardless of the intention. Takashi then explained why he bet on Hiro for not coming. Takashi’s words were: “I didn’t think that our relationship would have worked”. My confusion is this why on god’s phallic dick did Kyosuke conclude that statement by calling Hiro and telling him that Takashi loved him? Huh? Was Kyosuke just being a rascal? Again, Kyosuke CALLED Hiro! Not the other way around. Maybe it was just the way that Takashi delivered the line? That Kyosuke knew it was just a broken guy [Takashi] telling himself what he thought he needed to hear to just feel a little bit better. Maybe the call was to indicate how close Kyosuke was to Takashi, that he knew when Takashi was lying to himself – even when he didn’t know that he was doing it. You see how many leaps into faith which I took to make those rationalizations?

Before moving to the other confusion – plot hole, let me gloat. I WAS NOT WRONG BIATCHHH. Hiro did not know the bet from some overhearing unseen scene. It was Kyosuke ACTIVELY undermining his own relative’s relationship. My brain itch was justified. Also, huge side note, where is the queer struggle pov in Kyosuke’s pov? I mean, okay, what was exactly Kyosuke’s motivation in not making Takashi left by agitating – blackmailing Hiro? Kyosuke liked Takashi, okay. But why outed Takashi? Wouldn’t it be better to just poison’s Takashi’s perspective on Hiro so that you could have Takashi all for yourself without making him be disowned and ergo making him far away from you? Sure, let us assume that Kyosuke never intended to out Takashi and that it was just a huge negative externality that he never wanted. Still tho, there are other BETTER ways in making Takashi all for yourself. Let’s move away from this pivot, because I have a bigger bunion that I want to excise.

Okay, Hiro went to Takashi’s family place. Okay, I accept that Hiro’s determinism in meeting his lover was the thing that made Takashi changed his mind from “… wouldn’t have worked” to confessing and telling his mother that he wanted to spend his entire life with him. I tweeted that this mental leap of Takashi was confusing – but now I accept that maybe it was Hiro’s daring and just mind-boggling action that made the mental leap. Sure, okay I accept it. This may be a cultural confusion Why didn’t Takashi just leave his family’s place? His first conversation, in the episode, with his mother was just not connecting at all – as I tweeted: all she needed was to accept that Takashi has a husband she might actually have a business successor – why did he stay then? Was the basement scene just a scene of Takashi preparing to go home? Are we not allowed to leave the hostess’ place if we have not been dismissed by her? Or was it just a plot device in making Takashi and Hiro actually met at the family’s place so that Hiro could say all of those brave things in front of Takashi’s mother? Yabai.

Side note: I have also tweeted about how I hated that Cherry Magic the Anime didn’t have the Kurosawa and Adachi’s meeting each other parents’ scene. However, seeing my Hiro, my precious Hiro, saying all of those sentences – not about being the troublemaker, like bro, it was not your fault – in front of Takashi’s mother, AS WELL AS, the lake mouth scene which really had numerous resemblances with Kurosawa-Adachi’s exchange of the rings during the beach live-action film scene, I think it really compensated my disappointment. 😊

With all the rationalization left, all that’s left is how proud I am of these two characters. I’m so proud that Takashi now can lift his mask and actually be true to his husband, yes I’m calling them husbands despite the absence of a wedding scene. I’m so happy that my Hiro was so brave in making steps so that Takashi doesn’t see him as an “outsider” anymore. I will miss this couple so much.

Japanese media companies now have a responsibility of not tangling us, fudanshi – fujoshi and all BL fans, with a meager 6-episode run. Heck we have proven again and again to be a huge driving force for a show’s popularity. How many times have this show, this show alone, become the most popular show on certain platforms, like come on!. This 6-episode trick is really taking and sucking all of the qualities away. I mean, I will meet these media execs halfway, I can accept a 12-episode run, but they might not be ready to make a 24-episode run like American media used to make in the past, or even a 10-episode run with one hour each episode format like Turn to Me Mukai-Kun. Come on, I’m so fed up seeing the quality of my beloved BL work(s) being tarnished and seeing the great couple blossoming before my eyes taken away too soon.

[ikamigami]

AHHHHHHH LAST EPISODE- I CAN'T EXPRESS HOW HURT SUN MAY HAVE FELT DURING THAT OMFGGGGGGG

*cries*

Yeah.. I'm devastated..

I- uhh.. well.. I knew Sun wasn't the best option to talk to Moon..

Moon is awful af.. I- and his mental state isn't an excuse!

Also people are annoying for being angry at Sun (I know wild but some people are angry) when he had to went through some awful shit because of Old Moon.. he has depressive psychosis because of Old Moon's abuse and trauma that also was mainly because of Old Moon!

And yet people have audacity to just be so upset because Sun can't take it anymore?!

Moon brought it on himself.. that's true.. and in today's episode he just crossed every possible line.. he didn't only act like Old Moon at worst times but also like hallucination of Old Moon that Sun saw..

Well.. the only thing that is cruel is Sun saying computer to shock Moon but at the same time.. maybe these shocks will change something in this stupid dense head of this mf..

I'm sure that Sun doesn't want Moon to do anything stupid.. I still think he cares actually and that's why Moon's words hurt him.. he just tries to act like he's past that but that's just bullshit..

Also nothing can excuse Moon's bullshittery! Nothing! Cause while delusions and hallucinations are scary af no one should just be a jerk because of that.. and it's actually not that Moon said a bit of mean words.. what he told Sun today is too far..

I'd beat the crap out of Moon and I hope that Old Moon will do just that.. seriously..

Like "I can't sit and do nothing cause it won't fix anything. It won't change how I feel".. and being a jerk will change something?! Or trying to kill someone will?! Vsjsndjdkkssks Fuck you, Moon!

Literally! Moon can only suck like a loser because "boo hoo poor me, it's all my fault but I'll just cry about it cause I'm a loser"!

I- I'm mad.. I just.. I can imagine how awful Sun feels with all of this.. but idk if I'm fine with doing analysis on that rn..

I'm sorry if it's a bit too much in your opinion.. let me know but I.. hate when people try to excuse their actions because of their mental state.. and Moon is doing exactly that..

I explained already how it was different with Sun so I'm not going to do that again.. what Moon told Sun about not being able to handle killing Bloodmoon was so fucking low..

Thinking about it makes my blood boil..

[faetaiity]

hey if it’s okay with you can you please write the rise turtles helping reader out with overstimulation? thank you! also delete/ignore if you don’t want to!

Hi! yeah, sure! I can write for this! But it's gonna be how I experience overstimulation, which makes me irritable, passive aggressive and want to be alone for the rest of the damn day- You didn't specify poly or separated so I went with separated because it was quicker to write.

Yeah, this is 100% self-indulgent.

Separate! Rise! Turtles x Overstimulated! GN! Reader

Post Format: Headcanons

CW: Crying, Leo getting depressed, mentions of separation anxiety + arguments, and Reader wanting to be left alone in their room for multiple hours (Not necessarily Isolation, but wanting to be in an environment that they can control) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raphie:

Is the best in terms of reaction

The worst reaction he has regarding you snapping at him is irritation, he will almost never snap back at you

He (mostly) doesn't blame you for your outbursts, he knows what you're going through, and he knows that you'd never snap at him without a valid reason

Hates when you stay in your room for hours by yourself, but he never intrudes when you're trying to calm down unless you're on the verge of doing something dangerous

Tries to keep overwhelming stimuli out of the lair when you're visiting

Yes, that usually can include Leo.

However, the first time you got overstimulated around him did go poorly

He kept asking you what was wrong, pretty much making you want not want to talk about it

At one point it got too much for the both of you (He started getting pushy, irritating you more and making him also start to become irritated) and you just went home to cool off

It took you the entire day to calm down

Once you did, you felt horrible and apologized to him, explaining you tend to get overstimulated really badly around noises and crowds

And asking questions or touching you makes it worse, because being overstimulated makes you easily agitated

He understands and you two talk about what irritates you during these times

He makes sure no-one else bothers you, so that you can calm down quicker

After you've calmed down, please spend time with him, despite the fact that he understands why you need to be left alone, he still feels distressed when you snap at him or can't stand being around anyone.

Leo:

Is the worst in terms of a reaction

He has separation anxiety, so when you leave for hours to calm down and relax, he gets whiny

Often texting you and BEGGING you to let him come in, he swears he won't do anything!

You learned that is a lie the hard way

You relented once, he came in and cuddled you, kissing your cheek softly, making your skin feel like it's getting pricked by needles

You didn't say anything that time, not wanting to hurt his feelings, you felt you could tolerate it as long as he didn't talk or ask questions

Despite the fact that he wants to be in your room while you're relaxing, he gets really aggressive if someone else tries to come in

He once yelled at Mikey to get out when Mikey came to ask you if he could borrow something for an art project

Mikey has never left your apartment quicker lmao

The first time you got overstimulated after you met him was a fucking wild ride

It was a giant argument, making you cry from frustration

He kept getting in your space and touching you up until you snapped at him

He instantly starts freaking out, trying to defend himself (from what you may ask? nothing rational, just thinking his crush suddenly hated his guts) and started asking questions, irritating you further until you left

He got into a depressive episode, almost crying because he thought you hated him, he pretty much was a bit of a simp since day one, so this was a blow to his false confidence

Once you calm down and talk to him, apologizing for your behavior, he calms down as well, understanding that you couldn't help it and that you didn't hate him.

He reacts a lot better now, but please give him attention when you're feeling better, because if he's the cause of your Overstimulation, he'll definitely be in a depressive episode until you are okay with him being around you again.

Donnie:

2nd best reaction out of all four.

ONLY second best because unlike Raph, he will snap back if in a sour mood or if he's overstimulated as well.

If asked, he will leave you alone, only texting you every few hours to see if you're okay

As I've mentioned, he also gets overstimulated, and will ask you if you can leave him alone for a few hours so he can relax.

Also gets aggressive if anyone tries to visit you

Especially Leo, because he's aware that Leo can overstimulate you more than most people can

First time you got overstimulated, he most likely realizes the signs early and backs off

Once you leave, he might wait a few hours before sending you a text

Donnie: Hey (Y/N), you okay? you were pretty irritable when you were here

He won't force you to talk about it, but he is there if you need to talk.

If for any reason, you can't leave while overstimulated, he'll take you into his lab, putting headphones and a weighted blanket on you for your comfort

After either of you calm down from being overstimulated, you two tend to seek each other out, usually to talk about what happened so perhaps you can avoid triggering each other.

Mikey:

Has the 2nd worst reaction

Only because he doesn't get extremely depressed like Leo when you go to cool off, but he's just as clingy

Doesn't like it when others come to bother you but isn't nearly as aggressive as the others.

The first time you got overstimulated around him, he got panicky and started asking you questions, causing you to become irritated

He starts crying a little once you snap at him and it hits you like a truck

You calm down enough to tell him that you just need time alone, which he tries to deny, not understanding why you want to leave him, but eventually he relents and lets you go home

Once you calm down you call him and tell him to come over

It takes him about 20 minutes to come but once he does, he instantly hugs you and apologizes over and over, for what you may ask? he doesn't know, all he knows is that he made you angry.

You tell him he didn't do anything wrong and sit him down to talk about it

He understands once you explain why you got so irritated by his response to you being overstimulated

He does still spend time with you, even when you're in your room trying to calm down

He doesn't interact with you, all he does is draw while on the floor.

When you calm down, please cuddle him, he'll feel so much better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Made this at 1 am, sorry if it's ass lmao, me sleepy.

[n1ghteeea]

The Real Ghostbusters’ future analysis

Do you guys ever think about how tragic the real ghostbusters’ lives went on to be after they dismantled the group. Cuz I do, maybe even more than necessary, and I’ll go over EACH of them in this post.

Ray

At first he worked in uni, which is okay, but ended up being fired and had to settle for selling old cars while grasping every opportunity to pay off his debt. Ray, the guy who is the most ‘in love with his job’ as stated countless times in the show, is SELLING CARS.

In the “Look Homeward, Ray” episode we see a similar situation with him quitting ghostbusting to work in retail and he was MISERABLE because he is obsessed with his work, I’d even went on to say it’s his hyperfixation with how he forgets about everything at times, including time and other tasks he has (from one ADHD guy to another). And that man is selling old cars. Jesus.

Peter

He went on to Hollywood to sell the idea for the second Ghostbusters movie and has been doing that for SIX YEARS. Six years he was out in LA trying to push it through. To do that you need connections, and I’d imagine that making them is not easy, not even talking about how you need money to survive, and since he never said anything about his job, it is probably like super lame. Again, he LOVED ghostbusting and didn’t want to trade it even for a life of stage and fame (“Banshee Bake a Cherry Pie?”).

In “Take Two” episode we saw that he does not get along with Hollywood people, he has too strong of a moral compass and principles, so I can only imagine how those six years where he NEEDED to interact with them constantly went.

And finally, his father. He has a difficult relationship with him, but it’s easy to see that while he still cares for him, he hates how Jim makes money and would rather die then help him in his ‘projects’. Well guess what. His dad also went on to Hollywood to sell a movie about Ghostbusters. A movie no one clearly wanted, similarly to Peter’s (cuz I believe if his idea was a banger he wouldn’t have spent 6 years pushing it through), so at the end of the day he became like his dad, which is absolutely the worst nightmare of every person with bad parents.

Winston

I would say that Winston is relatively better off than others. He got his pilot’s license and went on to travel, which is cool as hell. However, Winston was the glue of the group. He was always the one saying “we’re a team, we need to stick together no matter what”, which can be seen in maaany eps, the most prominent one is probably “Ghostbuster of The Year”.

And he needed to watch them all drift apart, unable to do anything, and going non-contact because in “Back in The Saddle” they were catching up as if they never talked since they parted ways. That’s wild.

Egon

Last but not least 💪 technically you could say that he doesn’t have it that bad. He still lives in the firehouse, he works as a prof of his own course, right? WRONG ‼️

In the comics that are arguably canon, but logically still make sense, Egon get transported into an empty dimension where everything is normal, except he’s all alone. And this is what he thinks of that.

Bro hates being alone. He needs his friends around even if he doesn’t usually show it. This was his nightmare situation and he lived to experience it in real life. For six years.

When it comes to teaching, cool, but he’s a scientist, not a professor. He was excited and interested in experimenting and discovering, not teaching. Additionally, no one takes his course seriously, he has an average of 3 student per semester, and even they are only there for an easy A. That is depressing.

His life does get better after he creates Extreme Ghostbusters: he’s no longer alone, he’s (kinda) doing what he used to, but even then he still struggles with his self-image and midlife crisis, poor guy :(

Overall

These guys are the epitome of ‘frequently bought together, do not separate’, they cannot be without each other.

In “Look Homeward, Ray” Ray leaves the group thinking he’s not good enough and they do EVERYTHING in their power to bring him back.

In “Cry Uncle” Egon’s uncle Cyrus (god I hate that guy) takes Egon away to help him in his lab and the whole team is at first miserable (sitting around the phone waiting for him to call) and then makes 1500 miles one way to ask him to come back.

In “Egon’s Ghost” even though it’s not the only instance, when Egon gets sucked into limbo they go in for him with a condition of ‘either we get him back in an hour or we all stay here’ like THESE GUYS ARE A FAMILY. I did not see this kind of relationship in the live action movie, but in the show? They aren’t just colleague or buddies, that’s a FAMILY.

Even the fact of separating itself is heartbreaking, and accounting for the fact that neither of them went on to do something exciting (except maybe Winston) it is absolutely devastating. Man.

Even in “Back In The Saddle” they get one (1) successful bust and go ‘hell yeah guys, let’s go back to being Ghostbusters, I think we dropped it off way too early’ like yeah, I’m sure that’s what people with their lives together would say.

TLDR: the old men yaoi angst in the real ghostbusters is real 🎉

[sweetlummie]

Rainbow

Joel Miller x fem!reader

A/n: Hello all, I’m not doing too good so here’s a little something I wrote to comfort myself I suppose. Also not proofread so any and all mistakes are mine! Btw this story was made with both game and show Joel in mind! As always constructive criticism is welcome! Enjoy! Likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! 🫶🫶💗💗

Warnings: depressing stuff and a little bit of suicidal/death thoughts (if you’re struggling with these thoughts and think you might be a danger to yourself please reach out and get help. You’re not alone and you are loved 💗)

W/c: 1k+

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

Stillness. Silence. You laid in your bed, staring up at the ceiling. You weren’t quite sure what you were feeling. You felt nothing. You couldn’t even find joy in the things you loved to do anymore. You couldn’t find it in you to interact with anyone either. You just disappeared. “I don’t belong here.” You often thought. You were certain no one would care if you just stopped, if you just left, if you just died. You felt your life as you knew it was insignificant and meaningless. Everyone else in the settlement seemed to be having fun, seemed to enjoy their life despite the horrors outside the walls. You should be more grateful that you found a safe place, you found somewhere to live a somewhat normal life in the apocalypse but you weren’t. You wished you weren’t here. The monotony of your life was suffocating your every fiber. When mornings would come you stayed in bed later than usual. You’ve let your responsibilities slip away from you as you simply didn’t care anymore. Maria would come to your house, you looked disheveled in a dirty oversized sweater and some tattered sweatpants. Your hair wild and greasy from lack of care. At first she was gonna scold you for being irresponsible but she took one look at you and just felt bad for you. The scolding words dying on her lips as she noticed the lackluster look in your eyes. You just looked dead.

A few more days pass and there’s a knock on your door. Sighing you willed yourself to get up and open it. Your eyes widen when you see who was standing on the other side. No one other than Joel Miller himself. You haven’t really spoken much to him, you both have been patrol partners once or twice and you volunteered at the school his kid attended often, helping them out in the library. Ellie became a close friend of yours as you had similar interests and hobbies. Joel himself was quite fond of you. You were a quiet girl yet you were such a spitfire. You never let anyone, even himself, boss you around or treat you badly. He liked that about you, you carried yourself well. So seeing you like this, broken and hopeless really surprised him.

“Hey sweetheart..” Joel gave you a small smile, he held a tub of something you couldn’t make out in his hands. “Oh- hey Joel.” You returned the smile and stepped aside. “Come in, what can I do for you?” You said as he made his way inside your house. He took a look around. A little messy, yet cozy. He wasn’t being judgemental because he knew you were going through a rough time. This whole visit came about when Ellie asked if he’s seen you, when he shook his head, the girl expressed her concern about how you essentially went missing for a few days that no one has seen you except Maria but she said you weren’t doing too well. He wasn’t one for caring about other people that weren’t his brother or Ellie but for some reason he felt worried about you, he felt compelled to check up on you.

“Jus’ wanted to see how ya were doin’.. uh I brought some cookies me and the kid made together.. nothin’ too special.” Joel said as walked into your kitchen, setting them down on the counter. You chuckled for the first time since your depressive episode. “You? Baking? Wow, color me impressed. You wanna take a seat and have some milk and cookies with me?” Joel laughed. The request was so innocent and truth be told, just seeing you, Joel would do whatever to spend more time with you. “Sure.” Joel replied as he took a seat.

You prepared the milk and brought it to him, placing it on the table along with your own. You went back to get the cookies from the counter and you set it between the both of you. You picked up a cookie and dunked it in your milk. Taking a bite, your eyes light up. “Woah- Joel these are amazing!!!” Joel smiles as he takes a cookie for himself and eats it. “Thanks, I take full credit- Ellie jus’ preheated the oven and mixed some ingredients. She got tired easily.” You laughed, you were really enjoying his company and his presence. Just this one visit alone made you feel so much better.

“So.. ya haven’t been around lately.. Ellie and I are really worried ‘bout ya darlin’. Everything okay?” Joel asked as he looked at your face, you averted your gaze to your hands. You were tapping your foot on the ground as for some reason you grew nervous. You weren’t used to anyone asking if you were okay, no one really cared about you. Why did he and his daughter care? “Uh yeah. I’m all good, don't worry..” Joel could immediately tell you were lying. “Darlin’.. it’s okay.. y’know you can talk to me right? I may not be good at givin’ advice or be any good at any of this emotional stuff but I’ll listen to whatever you need to get off your chest..”

Joel was honestly surprising you. You never expected him to be here let alone asking you to talk about your emotions. What strange times. You nodded as you both ate your cookies. Perhaps you wouldn’t tell him now what was wrong since it’s a whole lot of trauma you have to unpack and you don’t want to frighten the poor man. But the mere fact that Joel was in your house offering you emotional support and delicious baked goods warmed your heart and made you think that maybe there are people who care about you. People who would be affected if something were to happen to you. If there was anything you learned today was that in your bleak, gray life there were still slivers of rainbows in the form of people like Joel and Ellie who valued you more than anyone else did in your life.

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

[spc-rambles]

I adore the steelworks gang, like more than I've seen other people express online.

First of all...

My little icon Lexi.

They have been known and initially regarded for their silly voices and jolly nature but I don't often see people looking into why they do it. Like their voices make them more wild than Marion who's generally loved by some fans but they also do it in spite of themselves. They and Theo did an entire upbeat song about how much they are failures to railway engineering with lyrics like:

"We're experiments gone bad

in other words whoever designed us must be mad."

These are not the words of someone with self esteem in how funny they are! They even showed them actually depressed when saying 'We can't do anything.' for the final time in the special.

And anyone who knew how long it took for more in-your-face LGBT+ representation in 2018 She-Ra will know that if this special just came out three or four years later, we might've had proper gender-fluid Lexi representation.

As for Theo...

He is still a pure little bean and I feel the ambiguity of his design makes it all the more reason for him to feel bad about his design. I don't know what about his design warranted gigantic cogs on his sides but we don't know what went on in whatever workshop he was built at. For all we know he could've had the Henry treatment, having been dumped on the doorstep on the first desperate railway executive needed an engine, as a last ditch effort for a dying manufacturer.

As for him being on the spectrum, I can still see it in his behaviour. Lexi was truly not gender fluid but once you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

And some characteristics are visible in him.

His unintentional bluntness. "Are you being scrapped?"

His tics and stutters.

His shakes in excitement, if you were to count it as stimming.

And who's to say he's not limited to physical disabilities? He and Lexi, depending on how successful you can view it having designs as unique as them on British rails, are the perfect ones to have given the body language they were adamant on giving all the engines back then.

Him being so gentle and anxious is generally adorable, so yeah, not so much to say about his actual personality.

Speaking of not much to say, not much to say on Merlin either, at least nothing that people haven't said already. We all know how awesome he is.

Beresford is MY MAN!

Beresford just wants a friend guys. He said in his own song that he was always ignored by engines who just want to get a job done. No time to chat with him. Loneliness can drive him mad. It is kinda sad that his appearance in Royal Engine was not only a sign of the further appearances these characters could've had but how it was also kinda a rehash of the scene we got in his last appearance, so maybe an episode of his own where he learnt to make friends properly would've been fun.

Ah well, at least he got some friends in another life.

And what can I say about Hurricane?

Keeping it real, working with steel.

Since 1902

He is such a chill guy, that while his companion might've had a lot of hard labour in mind for Thomas, he seems so genuine in wanting to take Thomas in while still acknowledging his terrible position. He could've done with standing up to Frankie though. But whatever, that's meant to be a part of his character, and he was voiced by the chad Jim Howick no less.

It's so funny when people say he sounded like a member of the royal family when he's played kings before.

And then there's Frankie.

Oh my god I adore her so much. Her manipulation being legitimately intimidating at the best times, especially when she's actually chasing Thomas down in the dead of night, her musical style bribing him into working for her, her VA's performance capturing all of her personality through line delivery perfectly.

Everything about her class, her demeanour, most of her lines makes me so curious about her whole life.

How is she running this steelworks better than the human manager of the works if there even is one? How are the human workmen so ok with her doing this? How did the other engines before Thomas get into doing her work? How did they get out? How did Hurricane stay with her for this long, let alone not encourage some potential friends of his to work with her? Was she indirectly responsible for Hurricane surviving as long as he did to still be a tank engine after she was built? Why didn't the railways surrounding this fictional steelworks not agree with this most likely non-existent human manager not just agree to get a lot of their engines to transport steel from their works? What did Frankie do? What are you hiding from us!?

The whole mystery surrounding her and her apparently feeling put-down and apparently not evil at heart according to her character profile and her role in the book 'Delivery at the Docks' makes her potential crimes such a goldmine for story potential that I really want to delve into very soon.

And yeah, that's what I have to say on them in canon. All beautiful characters that I feel need more recognition on a regular basis.

[dungeons-and-dictions]

It’s Analysis Friday about precisely why Hazbin Hotel is such a stand out.

But first - this is probably my last Hazbin Hotel-related analysis until the next season; give me asks during this long dry spell!

Why on this specific topic? Because I’m tired.

Y’all.

Listen.

I’m all for subjectivity. People can just like or dislike things regardless of quality. Heck, I know Helluva Boss is part of the Hazbin world, but it gives me too much cringe and vicarious embarrassment to handle.

(Yeah, I’m weird. I know)

But I keep hearing people say Hazbin Hotel is mid or just relying on hype.

Those are fighting words!

We are getting quality on par with Disney movies for a tv series!

That’s crazy! Let’s break it down.

Musical numbers

Talented singers play the main crew. Stephanie Beatrix plays Mirabel Madrigal, Kimiko plays Izzy, etc.

There were 2 songs per episode! And because it is truly perfect for a musical, we even get thematic reprises and callbacks!

Does anyone recall when similar things have happened in animation? MLP:FiM had a glorious episode that was ALL musical with a reprise. That’s all I have at this scale outside of Disney.

Characters

I’ve always known Vivzie to put thought into her work, and this shines through so well in Hazbin.

Lucifer’s depression is similar to my own

Angel’s gradual changes and struggles are realistic

Charlie’s breed of passion is the same as mine in my career

Alastor’s extremely manipulative yet we all love him

Velvette had one of the best formal character intros I’ve seen in a long time

Hazbin Hotel works really hard to get away from stereotypes, and dives in past superficial traits.

Also, we get things like Valentino sounding like he’s squeaking because moths squeak. We don’t need these things!

Animation

You know what else we don’t need?

Airplane arms!

Complicated dance moves!

Cute leg swishies with cuter sound effects?

Every second you see is 10+ frames traditionally. (Idk the studio’s technical details). That’s wild to add in these complicated extra details! And they flow so nicely! This level of quality for 2D (and honestly 3D too most of the time) is unheard of in the West nowadays.

And on that, western adult animated shows typically are so poorly made, especially in the art. Even the few I have seen that have okay stories to tell absolutely stink in terms of visuals and movement.

Story

Yeah, this is the biggest weakness Hazbin Hotel has, no doubt. The story is actually an incredible premise, and truly done pretty well within the awful time constraints. I think everyone is valid in saying it was far too fast! Hopefully we get more (or longer) episodes in upcoming seasons.

But at the same time, this is also the nature of musicals. If you think this is fast, don’t watch the Les Miserables musical where everyone only sings. Idk why, but singing the entire time makes everything seem like you’re in a race car on autopilot.

Don’t forget; the symbolism just drips out of the screen in this show. The fact that I could still do more analyses even now is a testament to that with all the content I have done since it aired. Vivienne goes hard on the details.

But put yourself in Vivzie’s shoes. You do the impossible, shot for the moon while hoping for maybe the top of a 5-story building, and you were offered the stars. Your project has been a part of who you are before you even went to university, and a major company gives you a way to bring it to life? Why wouldn’t you settle for this good of a deal?

Innovation

People do not bring up often enough that Vivienne broke a glass ceiling separate from that of gender. She showed that YouTube animations can be taken seriously, and even be aired.

In this age, the Saturday morning cartoon blocks I grew up with no longer exist. There were tons of great shows, and I could talk with other kids about it. Nestled within these weekends were shows that ran short pilot episodes for potential series. The last time I saw one was Adventure Time’s pilot.

It’s been a whiiiiiiile.

So having a cutesy little indie pilot animation amongst thousands on YouTube be such high quality and get a mainstream platform? Spindlehorse made history!

Moreso, Helluva Boss is also demonstrating the capacity of indie studios like never before - and what may pave the way for the future of animation too.

Out of all the animated series running on YouTube, Glitch is the only creator who does 3D that I am aware of. Even Glitch’s work has only started within the past few years, ie after Vivienne managed the impossible.

So please, stop complaining about subjective parts so much. Hazbin Hotel objectively has some of the highest craftsmanship in western animation.

We are blessed that Vivienne’s dream has come true in such a glorious manner. When I discovered her back in 2012, I couldn’t have guessed the pilot would be so successful, nor that it would change what was possible for animation!

[angelmichelangelo]

between sainw and the last ronin i just get SO SAD picturing the brothers dying. their deaths STILL take my breath away like an actual gut punch and i tear up. like. i care about these turtles, this family SO MUCH and seeing bad things happen to them that can't be fixed will always break my heart

seeing the lows leo sunk to in s4 before getting help is so heartbreaking, the idea of how much worse he might get losing don and splinter (and casey, we never mentioned casey but he also died) and then feeling responsible for hurting mikey even if he saved his life... damn. is it even more painful to picture that he did go to japan, did try his best to fix himself with the ancient one, only for it to not matter in the end anyway because by the time he returned raph and mikey are so bitter towards him for leaving to begin with? even though deep down all three of them want to be a family again? except they will never be able to rekindle that because they fucking die on the floor trying to save the world?

it's just so so sad.

mikey feeling guilt over losing his arm because it led to the others leaving OUCH. OUCH OW OWIE. BABY BOY. COME HERE. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

the 2003 writers were WILD because how do you just write all of this trauma into a single episode and then never return to it. how do you never even dig into how donatello copes after the insanity he witnessed? sainw writers please come here i just want to talk ;___;

a miniseries would be soooo good. for now all we have is fanworks (amazing fanworks btw), but maybe someday! 2003 seems to be getting a lot of attention from official sources this year (two new toy sets, 2k3 don appearing in the saturday morning cartoon crossover issue, and the 2003 variant covers and comic in the anniversary issue) so that + the success of the last ronin... now would be the best time for them to return to sainw!!

UGH YES sainw and last ronin.. the tmnt writers do love making poor old man mikey suffer huh ;—; they say our resident comic relief character and went haha now what if we made him mega depressed…?

but yeah!! imagine when leo goes to japan! not only would raph be sore for missing him but he’d also lash out about it because he has all these emotions he doesn’t know how to regulate and maybe in turn him and mikey butt heads about it (kinda like they do in canon when mike has to yell raph to lay off leo because he knows something is up with him) and UGH it just makes tensions worse and everyone is hurting :((

and dude i know. the 2k3 writers will literally put the turtles (mainly don) through the most insane bat shit crazy horrors, have them breaking down and losing their minds and then by the next episode they’re like “well that was just silly :D” like GET SOME THERAPY I BEG OF YOU!!!

and yes yes!! it’s so so exciting to see the series finally FINALLY get its flowers after all these years.. one can only hope that a resurgence is enough to kickstart something like a miniseries or a comic.. but like you pointed out we have sososo much fan made material so either way im happy :] though boy would i love to hear 2k3 donnie’s voice again.. idk what it is but sam riegel’s voice scratches something in my brain lolol i just miss them (i like watched the show like yesterday)

[stayandot8]

The Listener

Genre: angsty-fluff i guess

Relationship type: established boyfriend/girlfriend

Important Contents: reader has a bout of a depressive episode and pushes Chan away, Chan won't take that lying down

a/n: every angst I write turns fluffy again, I don't know why lol. I guess I don't like the idea of either him or the character in my mind that I'm writing about (me?) in pain for very long. I was also inspired by The Trick by AJR when I started this and then it developed into this but I still might use my original idea! Just some background

WC: 2.5k

“I don’t think you should come over tonight.” I never thought I would say those words to him, but they were out before I could stop them. Our phone calls were fewer and far between, Chan’s busy schedule playing more into my unconscious plan than I thought. But this particular phone call was happening more and more often lately. 

“I haven’t seen you in weeks. Just for a few minutes. Please?”

“I’ve got so much going on and I know you do too. Just focus on that, okay?” I hung up before he could see through my lies. If I saw him face to face, I wasn’t sure what I would do. I might not let him leave and that was just as dangerous as the alternative; the opposite. What I didn’t know was that he would come over anyway. 

I was flickering through my TV from my spot on the couch, trying to find something, anything that would take my mind off of him. I was thinking about him more and more often nowadays, which scared me even more. See, here’s the thing. I have always been the type of person who didn’t need to depend on anyone. I made my own life for myself, I’m always the friend that people relied on and the person they went to for anything. When they needed advice, they would come to me. When they wanted to rant about something, I was the sounding board. If they wanted to gush, I was the one they ran to because they knew I would be happy for them, no matter what. I never had that person. I was just bothering them when I would need to return the favor or the subject would turn back to themselves and I found myself slipping into the familiar role of The Listener. 

Now, there’s someone who wants to hear everything I have to say. Every question he asks, he wants the real answer, not the one he wants to hear. And this is new for me. Which is why it’s terrifying and also the reason I've avoided his calls, texts, and apartment for the last couple weeks. 

I hear keys jingling from the hallway outside my apartment door along with heavy footsteps. I make nothing of it until the shuffles stop just outside my door and my door knob jiggles. My head snaps to the door as I sit up, ready to run for my bedroom. Then Chan bursts through my door, his eyes wild until he finds me. His brows raise in a slightly annoyed expression, his once excited posture now dropping.

“‘So much going on’, huh? Yeah, really seems like you’re busy these days.” He drops his bag by his shoes that he’s just taken off and casually strides halfway between me and the bedroom door my shoulders are leaning towards. He leans on the wall, crossing his arms as he sets his jaw and mouth in a tight line. “Care to explain?”

My shock that he had just showed up was quickly replaced by annoyance that he had in fact just showed up. 

“You can’t just walk in here-” He held up a hand before I could finish.

“You gave me that right when you gave me your spare key. Now why did you lie to me?”

I sat back into the couch facing away from him and crossing my own arms, knowing he was right. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything so we just existed in silence for as long as he could stand. 

“Okay, fine.” He left his place on the wall to sit on my coffee table in front of me, trapping me there unless I wanted to physically climb over him to run away from the eyes I knew could get me to do anything. The thought had occurred to me, what route I wanted to take when I eventually did run away from his gaze. My eyes roamed to every possible way I could go until he forced his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. The annoyance in his face was still present but his eyes only held concern now. “Why did you lie? Did you really not want me here?” I bit my bottom lip to stop the trembling I knew was coming. I shut my eyes and shook his finger out from underneath my chin. When I opened them again, the concern was replaced by pure sadness. 

“Just go home, Chris.” I stood, my stomach now directly in front of his face. He kept his eyes forward, now leaning his head against me.

“What did I do?” His voice cracked, breaking my resolve that much more. I looked to the ceiling, my lips trembling violently. 

“You didn’t do anything.” My voice was just as quiet as his, breaking in its own way. I finally climbed my legs out from between his and made a break for my room, knowing he’d follow me. I shut my door just in time to see him stop in the hallway, three feet from my door and with that sad look still painting his features. I turned to slide my back down the door and sat, curled up on the floor and trying to keep my sobs from coming out too loud. I felt the door thud, him doing the same as me. I heard his voice through breaks in my cries. 

“Are you trying to break up with me?” I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. 

“No.” I said quietly. I heard him sigh, his frustrations catching up to him.

“I can only ask so many times before I give up. I have my limits too.” I heard him get up after a long few minutes, his footsteps receding down my hallway. I never heard my front door close though, so I assumed he was still there but it was the ‘why’ I couldn’t put together. I crawled to the foot of my bed, not yet strong enough to climb onto it. I grabbed a random sweatshirt from the floor to act as a pillow to cry into. I didn’t know I had fallen asleep until the sound of snoring woke me out of a dazed half slumber. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was a nose, followed by the rest of his face coming into sharper view as my vision focused. I wondered why he was still there, especially on the floor with me. 

As I unstuck my tongue from the roof of my mouth, I couldn’t help but notice the tears I had cried were causing the dryness that I was currently feeling there. My aching limbs were punishing me for trying to use them, rising from my place. I made sure not to wake up the sleeping boy next to me as I walked out to get some water from my kitchen. 

Leaning against the sink gave me the space I needed to think clearly about what had just happened.

 Do you want to break up with him? 

No. Plain and simple.

Then why are you pushing him away?

Because I’m getting too close.

No, that’s not it and you know it.

But I don’t know the actual reason.

Yes you do.

Now tell him before you lose him.

That annoying voice in my head was always right. I imagined it was that voice that stopped me from doing all of the stupid things my brain had wanted to do throughout the course of our entire relationship. I downed two glasses before I got the courage to retrace my steps back to my room. I found Chan sitting on the bed, back against the headboard. He eyed the glass of water I had brought with me for him. My feet padded against my rug to where he was, silently handing him the glass. He took it but didn’t drink. I sat down on the edge, giving myself and him the space to think. 

“Why did you stay?” I fiddled with the string of my hoodie, waiting for his answer. It was a full minute before he spoke. 

“I thought you would need me.” He said simply. “So I slept on the couch but it was so uncomfortable so I checked in here to see if you were asleep. Then I found you on the floor. You looked so sad, I couldn’t leave you like that. You had this deep frown that I couldn’t ignore so I laid down beside you and watched you sleep. I was wondering if I was the one who caused it when I drifted off too.” He took a sip of his water. I did the 180 spin to face him but not meet his eye. I picked a spot on my blanket to stare at. He took several deep breaths. 

“You can’t even look at me, can you?” My blanket was all I could see. It was the only stable thing I could focus on, a constant I could rely on to stay present in the conversation we were supposed to be having. But I wasn’t saying anything. Why am I not saying anything? I tried to move my mouth to speak but my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t move. 

“Why are you pushing me away? What did I do?” The pain in his voice caused me to finally meet his gaze, the familiar tears coming back. I could only make out those eyes, begging me to tell him the truth. That closed off space in my heart was begging to be let free, just waiting for someone with the right-shaped key. And that person was sitting right in front of me, imploring me to let him in. To let him see everything, every ugly thing I had ever said or done, every thought I had he wanted to know. The moments I paused, running every possible way that this could go wrong in my brain, gave him the impression that I was closing him out again. His shoulders sagged in defeat, the sad look in his eyes hadn’t left since he crashed through my door. He looked to the floor, unsure of what to say next. He shifted his weight to leave, leave me behind. Suddenly everything went in slow motion. The worst possible situation was happening in front of my eyes, every good thing I had known was grabbing his belongings to desert me like they all did. My breathing came quicker, panic fully setting in. No. Not this one. 

I grabbed his wrist before he got too far, forcing him to stop and turn back to me. 

“Please don’t go.” I whispered. “I don’t know who I am without you.” My voice was so low I could barely hear it myself. I still wonder how he heard what I said but he did. I know he did because he kneeled in front of me.

“Every relationship I have ever had, romantic or platonic, I’ve had to pretend to be people that I thought they would want to love. I wanted to be loved so badly that I would transform into different people to please them. I would like things I don’t, do things I never thought I would do in the worst way just to make people happy. I’ve done that my whole life. Except… when I met you. I found that when you were asking me things, the only answer I could give was the real one. You would ask me what I wanted to do and for the first time, I wasn’t secretly thinking ‘what do I think he wants to do?’ You never made me feel like I had to be someone else. I feel like I’ve never met myself until I started hanging around you. And that terrifies me.”

“But why? Why does that scare you?”

“I thought you would notice that and push me away. So I did it first.”

He sighed, his shoulders drooping as he rested his forehead on my knees. That’s when the shaking started, the vulnerability of this moment starting to take over.

“I’ve always been the one people depend on. I’m not used to having someone like that. I feel like I can’t breathe without you. And I’ve never felt that before. I’ve never needed anyone like I need you. All the time, everywhere.”

“Well, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m the same way. I have seven kids that I have to be strong for. That I have to be stable for. And you keep me stable. I have millions of people who rely on me because I bring them strength and comfort. I don’t know how, but I have to believe what they tell me. I feel like I put too much on your shoulders because I’m in this relationship with you. I know I can only be around so much and my attention has to be split between so many things. But you have been such a breath of refreshment every time. I can relax around you.  I don’t have to be anyone else with you. I don’t have to put on a mask or be a professional or someone else. You make me appreciate the simple things about myself. You remind me that I don’t have to be Bang Chan all the time. With you, I can be Chris.” He stood only enough to be eye level with me, bringing his hands to catch my tears from falling all the way down. “Sometimes I think I’m a little too obsessed with you. I feel like I crowd you too much. I know I can be very clingy but it's just because I can’t possibly be around you enough.”

 I chuckled through the remainder of the tears, simply for something else to do. 

“I never had to depend on anyone before you. I was the one people depended on.” 

“Even the dependable people need someone to lean on. The listeners need someone to listen to them.” The way he whispered it against my forehead sent a shiver down my body. “And now that we’ve established that, can we please sleep on something other than the floor? I know you’re exhausted.” I nodded, looking longingly at my pile of pillows, exhaustion taking over my limbs. I knew this conversation wasn’t over but for now, I just missed him too much. We both moved to our respective sides, his arms opening to invite me in. I let myself be pulled up into his chest, his warmth surrounding me as his chin rested on the top of my head. 

“I missed you.” He sighed, his breath tickling my hair on my neck. I had no more words left so I just did the only thing I knew could express my feelings at that moment. I just hugged him tighter. My last thoughts before I drifted off were the ones that had been going through my head since I met him.

 Please don’t leave me.

[lover-of-mine]

Your last post is funny bc just TODAY I watched that season finally. I’m literally 2 episodes into season 5 right now. As someone who just watched that for the first time (and hadn’t noticed it WAS the season finally when I started watching it) I was losing my goddamn MIND watching those episodes. Just constantly 😯😯😯. I began watching 911 when I started seeing posts circulating about Buck being bi. At the time I had no idea who he was other than the occasional gif set but it made me intrigued and I have been HOOKED. Literally trying to get through as many episodes as possible so I can watch the episodes live. Questions for you (since I have no one else to talk to about the show); when did you start watching? Have you had any predictions while watching the show that didn’t/ did come true? Like for me when I watched season 1 and Abby went to the fire department for the first time I SWORE up and down that her and Bobby were meant to be endgame (was clearly wrong lol). But also after Chris got stuck in the Tsunami I called it that something would happy to Harry later on (just a feeling that no one was safe lol, not even the kids). I’m just so curious to see what the fandom theories have been over time lol since I missed out on it!

Yeah, no, watching suspicion/survivors for the first time is WILD. Like, imma be honest and bit oversharing, I watched the show for the first time in a depressive episode, so I watched everything up to 5x10 in like, 6 days according to the posts I made on Tumblr about it, so I didn't realize theorize about anything, I was just hitting next episode like my life depended on it. But I didn't know anything about the show, like, at all, I had just watched 911 lone star in a weekend because it was on the tv and there were only like, 20 episodes of it out it at the time and a network in my country was just showing all of them on a loop, and I opened the Disney app fully intending to rewatch grey's anatomy, and 911 was the first show on my recommended to you list, and I had liked lone star enough, and was like sure why not. And I legit couldn't stop watching. All of this happened the week before 5x11 aired on the us, so 5x11 was the first episode I watched like "live" (the first episode I actually watched live was 5x16) but I watched it in the same week, I think I finished on a Tuesday? And the episode aired on Monday. I can't really give you any theories I have witnessed so far because they would be spoilers tho, but if you wanna come back once you catch up we can talk about some of the madness that goes around here. But I had the same thing happen to me, I didn't realize it was the season finale, and I didn't know anything about the show, so I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I had learned my lesson with the tsunami arc, because I watched 3x01 at like 3 am fully saying this is the last episode I will watch and then I'm gonna go to bed, and then the tsunami hit, and I was like well fuck and then Chris fell in the water and next thing I know is 5 am and Eddie is making me cry at the end there. But I saw the 13 and didn't realize the season only had 14 episodes and then everything kept happening. I seriously cannot imagine what it was like to be forced to wait a week between those 2 episodes it was SO CRAZY. When Eddie got shot I legit froze. Watching that for the first time not knowing it's coming is SOMETHING. I do remember thinking that they were gonna kill Shannon but I didn't expect to be right, I also remember clocking that Jason was Doug pretty fast. Something funny tho, I remember posting that meme that's like "I've had blank for 1 day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and myself" with Buck and I waited until I had been watching for a day and a half, that means I posted it while watching the season 2 finale. I hit post and the truck blew up and I legit went like ????????? and that is still the most ironic thing that ever happened to me while posting about 911 kspskspkspakapkapa (here's the post, I actually came back to edit the tags because I was in shock lol) and I laugh every time I remember that lol but I'm glad you're enjoying the show, you can come back to talk to me about it any time!;

[md-guel]

a happy, happy guel wednesday to everyone but most especially to the boy ever guel!!! jeturk!!! who's finally made it back to the screen as an unwilling accessory of what I think is one of the darkest episodes to have been shown by the anime. people love to hate on this for being such a combo breaker, but me, I love to love on this, so here's me showering it with all the love that I have

if i may, I'm going to start with the lighter stuff first and by "lighter stuff", I actually mean "guel jeturk" in spite of all the stuff he went through

the feeding scene is such a traumatic opener, especially for us who've been eager to see how guel has been doing. but it's such an effective way of setting the mood for the entire episode and I'll always be happy that guel was used as a vehicle for it. but from that scene alone, it becomes obvious that the situation is dire, for both guel and olcott (standing for the dawn of fold). guel is steeped deeply in depression that he's completely lost sense of himself, and olcott is also desperate enough to use a living human being as a ticket to safety

with the out-of-canon uh...official headcanon, though, of guel being a bit of a home cook, I really have to wonder how this experience affected his feelings towards food. did he suffer from an eating disorder? did his palette change or is there a type of food that he just can't eat anymore without being triggered?

when the building fell, I still think that for all of guel's inherent goodness, it would have still been the easiest thing to just abandon seethia and get himself out there to safety. but even though he does explain later that he did it because he felt sympathetic towards seethia who wanted to see her father, I think this one scene just speaks volumes about how brave he really is. remember, he's just a kid. he's never had to kill someone before and when he does, it ends up being his dad. seethia is nobody to him, and it's easy to be more concerned of his own traumatic experiences (seethia had been found in a very bloody state) and his safety than some child who's been left for dead, anyway. but he really went through the trouble of getting her out of the debris, never mind that seethia blamed him for everything

I love that little kind of subtle blink he makes when he hears that his company and his family are going bankrupt, and I think it speaks a lot about how boundless his love is for them, too. the whole situation with vim is unfortunate, but I don't think it's guel's fault to still default to loving him especially after his guilt for killing him. I just like that guel is ready to just give up on life until he heard about his family, and then he suddenly comes alive. because it's not just about him anymore, and he's never been one to just sit on his hands especially when his loved ones are concerned.

shortly before the building fell, too, I remember reading a lot of fans saying that guel had tried to protect the kids with his own arms. like use his arms as a shield to protect them from the collapsing roof. I often watched that exact scene with 100% screen brightness, and I think it could be plausible! if guel is the skillful pilot that he is who knows the in-and-outs of pilot and mobile suit safety, and if it's true that asticassia had earth survival classes, then it would have been automatic for him to put his arms over his head to protect himself. but he doesn't. instead, he extends them outwards in the direction of the kids, and I like that he did it, too late, too. like he'd reached out towards them in alarm when the roof fell before he got buried in it, too.

I will also always love that seethia asked him what he wanted but that guel said he didn't know. ironically, this is the first day he is well and truly free of anything. free of his dad, free of the dawn of fold. but it's a kind of freedom say, a domesticated animal would find out in the wild. he's free, yes, but he doesn't know how to be free. his whole identity has been tied up to his dad that now that he has to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions, he's lost. he's pretty much just running on instincts here, and that bit of stubborn bravery that's keeping him moving

seethia is just so thin here 😭

another example of just how brave I think he really is: this is only his second encounter with death, though it's the first time he's really looking at a corpse. it would have been completely understandable if the stress just became too much for him and he just ran away and hid somewhere else until the whole thing blows over. but for the sake of seethia's life, for that simple hope of bringing her to her dad, he pulls through, he wears the flight accessories of a dead man and even sits in the place where he was murdered

if people ever doubted his skills on piloting a mobile suit, since he only ever flew jhm's ones before, I think this is a stunning example of his innate skills. the prodoros suits are far from being the shiniest mobile suits, and I won't be surprised if this is an older, or less technologically-advanced suit than what he's used to. even the cockpit screens looks far too different than the spacian suits but he's able to operate it without difficulty

I love this scene so much. I really love how guel was given the imagery of a star that lights up the skies when things seem so hopeless. and slightly off-tangent, I also love how a lot of the artwork, from ippei gyoubu, from the fans, that came out during this episode got the memo and ran away with it. guel is such a bright star, all right; he's an ace pilot on skills alone, and he's a well-loved house leader and friend. I also like to think that this was to symbolize his rebirth. he'd fallen far enough so now he can only go up

and I love that that's how he found the strength to move forward. he's still clueless, he's still lost, but he knows he has to start somewhere and he can't just be stuck there anymore. he probably has absolutely no idea about what's going to happen in the future, only that he has to save his dad's company so that's what he's going to focus on for now. which, maybe some people think it's stupid. vim had abused him, and now he wants to preserve his memory. will guel ever learn? or will he always be stuck in his dad's shadow

in the end, guel doesn't get to save seethia and he ends up...absolutely nowhere. not at the bottom from where he started or at a better place. hes just...existing somewhere at this point. this time, he really truly is nobody, more nobody than even 'bob' ever was

if you ask me, I think at this point of his arc, he's still very much stuck in his father's shadow because he wasn't able to extricate himself properly from it. but I don't think it's fair to say that he failed to grow as a character just because he's going back to his old cage. you can't blame a child for loving his father. it's not a person's fault if he wants to go back to his loved ones. if what he's doing is bad or wrong, then is it good or right to hate and abandon his people? it doesn't make any sense to me, not in the context of guel's history and character

but, so that's the lighter side of this episode for me. as for the heavier one, oh boy. if anyone's ever doubted that the spacians are as bad as the dawn of fold says they are, this should clear things up. the dawn of fold are terrorists, all right, but who branded them as terrorists in the first place? who pushed them to such lengths?

it was hard to watch guel being tortured with force-feeding but if you ask me, it's much easier than watching the earth garrison force picking the dawn of fold pilots like fish in a barrel. these guys are helpless. they're scared and they're small! their lives have been ruined by the greed of capitalists, and they're only trying to fight back because of what the capitalists did to them! it's a losing battle the minute they concocted the plan. benerit group may as well have sent trained soldiers out on a bunch of farmers with pitchforks. that's how large the gap is between them, but the benerit group didn't care as long as they could take their hurt feelings out on them. and boy, does it feel very personal, knowing what's going on in real life with the rest of the world

[benji-parsons]

Name: Benjamin “Benji” Parsons

Age: 28

Height: 6’ (182.88)

Gender: Male (he/him)

Orientation: AroAce

Occupation(s): Record store clerk (what he actually gets paid for), musician (guitar, banjo, ukulele), artist 

Tattoos: A semicolon on his left wrist, A tree with the phrase “I don’t want to live in a hole anymore” from Fantastic Mr. Fox on his right bicep, Max from Where the Wild Things Are on his inner left forearm 

General appearance: Thin and lanky. Usually unshaven to varying degrees. His hair is usually brushed and clean…ish…and that’s all (a hairstyle? What’s that?) Tired, underfed and bewildered-looking. His clothes rarely fit like they should and have all come from thrift stores, rather from necessity or an affectation is hard to say. He likes striped shirts and sweaters and tee-shirts that were obviously not meant for him. He can clean up well, but for the most part doesn’t bother.

Personality: Benji is some brand of neurodivergent, most likely ASD. He has major depression and anxiety, though these are sort of controlled with medication, both prescribed and not entirely so. He’s quiet around people he doesn’t know, but has a sardonic streak and a morbid sense of humor that comes out when he's comfortable with a person. He’s very intelligent, though he doesn’t really give that impression because he’s stoned a great deal of the time.

positive traits - gentle, creative, intelligent, loyal

negative traits - anxious, moody, stubborn, withdrawn

Face Claim: John Gallagher Jr.

And so much history under the cut...

Born in NYC September 24, 1996 to James and Danielle Parsons. Danielle had a hemorrhage and Benji was born premature. Danielle, unfortunately, didn’t make it, leaving James a young widower and single father.

Had health problems from the start and never outgrew them. His immune system is “absolute garbage,” and that’s all the explanation you will get from him.

Was interested in art and music from a young age, began learning the guitar at seven to keep him busy in his many hospital stays.

James met Margaret at a youth art show where Benji had some works entered. They got into an argument over whether or not the boy had actually painted his entries. When it turned out that he had, she apologized, phone numbers were exchanged, dates happened, and they eventually married. She brought along her son, who was a few months older than Ben. The boys were very much opposites, but got along very well until their teen years. A little sister was born when Benji was ten. He adored her from the start and she became his “protector” as she aged.

The Depression started around the age of twelve and never let him go. It gets better and he has good stretches, but it never goes away completely.

While his brother was theatrical and dramatic, Benji was quiet and introverted. Despite numerous attempts to get him on stage, Benji preferred doing tech, especially running the lights.

High school wasn’t a great time; he didn’t have many friends, being generally odd and quiet. He considered his brother to be his best friend but it was around the age of sixteen when they began to drift apart. At seventeen his brother’s grandmother got him into a prestigious boarding school overseas, leaving Benji alone. They didn’t really talk much after that, Benji feeling abandoned over the entire situation.

After graduating high school, he went to NYU/Tisch School of the Arts, in the Department of Design for Stage and Film. He got through a year and a half, could not deal with the pressure of school and went into a major depressive episode. He just broke and attempted suicide. Spent 6 months in a mental health facility, then moved home with parents upon discharge. He stayed there roughly another 6 months, and just decided to leave one day. Kept in vague contact with family and a couple of friends, but mostly was solitary and nomadic. Essentially homeless. What he calls his “hobo era”

Had a really bad winter in 2020, contracted covid pneumonia, ended up in hospital for a while, then moved in at his grandma’s place to recoup, couldn’t take the City. 

Grandma passed 2023, left the property to him and his sister, it was sold and they halved the money.

Moved to Asbury Park, though his parents invited him home again. He “likes the vibe" and enjoys the music scene. He still can’t take the City. 

Got a job at Groovy Graveyard, rents a room in Suncrest. Uses his inheritance when his check can’t cover things entirely, but he tries not to touch it too much. 

[corazondefae]

9-18-24: Processing

I got vaxxed twice today! Woo!

It was my first time ever getting the flu vaccine and I got the new COVID vaccine as well! I'm both hoping I have side effects so I can call out tomorrow and hoping I don't so I don't have to call out tomorrow because I need money...

I had therapy earlier today and it really got me thinking about how much my mental health truly affects my every day life.

My nervous system is trying to heal itself. I'm no longer in an environment where I have to be on edge 24/7. I'm not going into details but a year ago I experienced something very traumatic. I witnessed violence within my family and I had to keep it together as there were young kids in the house at the time.

This experience truly shattered my world. Even now, I don't know how I got through it and I'm still processing everything that happened. I took two days off of work and then went back. Sure, I was depressed and everybody could see, but I was working to distract myself from my terrible home life. Now that I've moved out with my husband I'm learning how to live instead of survive.

I'm in the process of getting an official PTSD diagnosis, which is wild to say. I always felt like I never went through "enough trauma" (whatever that means) in order to officially be diagnosed. Yes, I've experienced traumatic events in my life, but surely that doesn't mean I have PTSD...right? (Wrong!)

I'm also processing my feelings towards referring to myself as disabled. Physically, I'm mostly fine. However, my mental health really does affect my every day life and I never noticed it until recently.

My mental health has greatly impacted my nervous system, daily functioning, relationships with others, and ability to do essential tasks such as showering, going to work, completing my associate's, taking care of myself.

---

Lets go through some things my mental illnesses do for me, shall we?:

OCD - Makes me anxious every waking moment due to constant intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain places or actions (ex: eating) due to fear of my intrusive thoughts becoming reality, avoidance of loved ones if they are dealing with something that triggers my OCD, spending up to hours cleaning and washing anything I've deemed "contaminated" (especially my hands), constant reassurance-seeking in intentional and unintentional ways all the time, a few times I've started spiraling and almost started to believe I was hallucinating an entirely different reality to the "real" one

PTSD - Anxiety in my home to the point I was taking Melatonin every night so I could leave as soon as possible in the morning, constantly being on edge to the point where the TV being too loud made me drop everything so I could check it was just the TV and not people screaming at each other, remembering traumatic situations so many times, actively triggers my OCD as well so I have obsessions related to my trauma, too anxious to do tasks even in a safe environment because I'm afraid that one day something terrible will happen which leaves me depressed as well, constant stress since the situation was never resolved, constant guilt, I still shake and my voice wavers when I talk about it

PMDD - THE IRRITABILITY AND RAGE OH MY!, constantly talking myself off the edge while in the middle of my workday, work ethic goes down significantly due to how miserable I feel, short but terrible depressive episodes starting around two weeks before my cycle, getting angry at others for no reason to the point I can't recognize myself sometimes (luckily I'm pretty good at keeping the anger in), not having motivation to do anything, have to leave work early sometimes which has wrecked my PTO

---

I think I needed to write that down so I don't feel like I'm overreacting. My pain is valid. My mental pain is valid. And it would still be valid if it didn't significantly alter my life.

I'm doing all that I can to be better. I am so much better than I was and I want to be better than I am now. But I need to allow myself to wallow in my pain as well. I cannot let it consume me but I cannot cage it either. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

---

Other than that, today has been less productive than I wanted it to be! I still need to go grocery shopping. Too late to do that today :(

I tried doing my nails today but I tried a new method and it did NOT work out well! I'll try again on my next day off.

I leave you all with my latest obsession: Sabrina Carpenter