#Weeeeeeeell shit

[sally-mun]

OH BOY MY FIRST RAMBLE SINCE MY RETURN, now I'm really getting back in the swing of things

SO!

I noticed something about myself today

I have a history of getting to the very end of a video game and then just inexplicably just not finishing it. Like, literally I've made it to the final boss, this is THE LAST thing left to do, and I just... wander away and never return. I always attributed this to the weird amount of stress/anxiety I get while fighting bosses, as though I'm -actually- in danger in real life.

HOWEVER, it occurred to me today that it has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with another side of myself that I've known about for years: I fucking HATE having to do combat in video games. I know a lot of you guys live for it, but for me, it is just the fucking WORST. It's a shitty chore I have to do in order to get back to the things I actually like, such as the storytelling and puzzles and exploration. Low-level fights with average goons or minions don't particularly bother me, but anything that's meant to be a 'challenge' can fuck right off in my book. I'm not here for that, and I've often lamented that I wish boss fights could be skipped the way so many games give you the option to skip the story. Lots of players don't care about story and just see it as a delay to get back to fighting monsters, and I simply want the reverse. I want a button that'll let me bypass the bosses and skip straight to the next cut scene before turning me loose in the world again.

Anyway, I realized today that this... approach? Philosophy? POV? whatever it is, it's probably the real root of why I get to the end of a game and then fuck off. I only tolerate boss fights because I want to get back to the good stuff, but once you get to the end? There is no more good stuff. After the final boss you get one more cut scene and NO MORE GAME TO PLAY. Why would I want to bookend my experience with a game I've otherwise enjoyed with a chore that I hate?? I can just look the final cut scene up on Youtube and be just as satisfied.

The only time I'd really have significant motivation to do it is if the game actually does offer a post-game reward of some kind. For example, in Arkham City, you go back out into the overworld and can finish up any side quests you hadn't completed yet + get a couple extra quests that ONLY unlock after you've finished the main campaign. That's good shit, that's worth putting up with the final fight! Arkham City is also the type of game to offer a second quest/new game + scenario, where you get to replay the main campaign with different challenges and you start out already having all your equipment. That's also very cool, I'll put up with an annoying boss fight for that!

But for games where the game effectively never 'remembers' that you beat it? No thanks, I'm good, 99% is all I need.

[ask-arachnidsbreath]

what have you goobs been up to recently

VRISKA: Weeeeeeeell, I've 8een way way way fucking 8usier than usual 8ecause Dave and Karkat are still on their honeymoon. So Aradia and I are alone with all those dead things they like to dig up.

VRISKA: John's 8asically doing the complete opposite of that, 8eacuse, he's John hahaha VRISKA: He's doing really awesome shit with that animal rescue place. JOHN: Humane society! VRISKA: That.

JOHN: i'm back, look! i was getting our bunny! VRISKA: ::::D

[cringefaecompilation]

above everything though i'm glad that they took that stupid "laudna is RECLAIMING delilah's power actually" statement and revealed it for the garbage pail of an idea it is.

what happened in isslyra was not them becoming bloodthirsty warhawks and just as bad as ludinus nor was it completely justified and the objectively right thing to do. they were backed into a corner and in the midst of being horrifically re-traumatized. it was a shit deal for everyone and none of them were happy about what happened.

and now that laudna is candid about that instead of hiding it under her usual compartmentalization and orym apologized for not reeling her in or being the voice of reason in the moment (though neither of them should've HAD to have been thinking logically, that's just stupid lol), hopefully people can stop putting them and the other pcs into boxes of "good person" and "bad person" because it's getting really old.

(weeeeeeeell not literally the words "i'm sorry" but for what it's worth marisha parroting what liam said about orym's thought process in the 4SD ep through laudna and orym immediately shutting that idea down and assuring her he wouldn't let it come to that is very much appreciated because holy fucking shit you could tell it was eating at both of them)

[yoursdearlyeve]

Weeeeeeeell heeeeeeeell

Also episode 12 is the one where weird shit happens? Again??

[serendertothesquad]

Seren's Studies: Odd Squad UK -- "Oddtober the Thirteenth" Episode Followup, Part 1

LOOKIT HOW THEY MASSACRED M' BOI. LOOKIT HOW THEY MASSACRED 'IM. BARELY RECOGNIZABLE, THE LIL' SQUIRT.

Well...for those who have been in the fandom for a long time, we still have the memories. For those who haven't, I am so sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

Below the break for what I can only hope is an episode that delivers the same quality as "The Odd Ness Monster" before it, but probably won't.

I was going to make a genuine and honest comment about these two roleplaying as villains, but lemme set that aside for now to groan at who's writing this.

At this point, the only thing I'm in for is the obligatory sleeping agent. It's really the only way the man gets help with his taxes every year.

Now on to the roleplaying: this is, uh...huh. It's one thing to roleplay horror movie characters, but it's another to roleplay as criminals, even if they're harmless. Worse still is that these...at least appear to be Odd Squad agents, unless they're random kids from the street that wandered in here and started chasing each other. Do you really want two members of your employment body roleplaying as criminals?

...Changing my point. They prefer it so much that they include it IN AN ORGANIZATION-WIDE FUCKING HOLIDAY.

To be fair, Oddtober, in the meta sense, did include the premiere of "Undercover Olive", which had Olive dressing up as a villain. But at least there, it made more sense because it was part of a dangerous mission, and it allowed her to play off of Odd Todd as a bonus. Here, it's played for shits and giggles and can be replaced with any other festive event. There's not much sense to it.

So to put it bluntly: it's an ugly desecration of a beautifully-crafted episode.

"Because oddness is what brings us together!"

Well, yes, but also no. You two are on opposite sides of the spectrum. You want world peace. Villains want world domination, or at the very least, town domination.

"End of the Road" is a good example of this. The statement is posed of, "If the villains' powers are gone, then there's nothing for Odd Squad to do." Cue the rising of an avian alien creature from out of the water, which shows that, even if villains are gone, Odd Squad still has a job in protecting and subduing odd creatures.

Orli's specifically speaking of oddness fueled by villains, though. Odd Squad strives for normalcy, not for oddness. Combine that with the fact that villains are essentially criminals, and her comment doesn't exactly hold much weight. "Villains In Need Are Villains Indeed" brought a sense of mutuality between villains and agents, but it didn't exactly stick. Here, it seems like that would become the norm if the episode aired today.

Case in point: this is a flawed comment in a flawed episode in a very flawed season.

Ohhh...a time loop. Because we had that once before AND IT'S NOT FUNNY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU REPEAT IT.

Some jokes are a one-and-done thing, Omar.

Oh sure, you can dress up as a criminal. Bring one into your place of work, though, and it's a whole 'nother ball game. One that goes on Extra Hard Mode.

One villain...to represent all villains?

WEEEEEEEELL FUNNY I MENTIONED "END OF THE ROAD" THEN HUH. Would have been perfect for The Shadow!

Yeah...yeah...Orli is absolutely in the right here. You know how much oddness could be caused in a day? How many lives would be lost?

And that's how you know this holiday is hella stupid.

(On top of that, I'm realizing this is just a more stupid version of "The Perfect Lunch", And at least that episode provided us with a sprinkle of lore and loads of funny bits.)

Parched Pact sounds more like an MLP name than an Odd Squad name. (Editing note: Revoking this comment because it's Pat, not Pact.)

We also have another villain who specializes in dryness in the form of Dr. Dry, and really, if he can be in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, he can come to the UK and join Goopy Gus in the Forced Old Villain References Club. I'll still scream about it, but at least it'll make sense.

See, when Oprah does it, it's charming.

When Captain O does it, it lacks bite.

If even the chef has the shared "popping up out of nowhere" ability, then you know there's something up.

(On a side note: toast. What the writers' obsession is with Season 2 gags, I will never know.)

"Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to enter HQ, right? Walked right into that jubilee, same as us, and that villain over there."

Genuinely shocked how audible this whisper of "he's here" is. Normally it would just be incomprehensible and implied.

*slaps on the English hypercorrection glasses*

If you're addressing Orli and Ozzie by name, there is absolutely no need to use the catch-all term of "agents". You failed the test, Omar. See me after class.

Is...hold on, who's that kid dressed up as on the left? It's not one of the Terrible Three, surely?

Closest I can guess is maybe Villain X from "Agent Overhill's Day Off", and if that's actually correct, this is especially insulting because that episode isn't even part of this batch like it should be. It's foreshadowing, but it's insulting foreshadowing.

See, one of the things that's so flawed about this is that the dude could just as easily lie. He can eat the plain food and say he hates it when he actually likes it, for example. No one's stopping him. There's no lie detector. He's a villain. He cheats and he lies. 'S kinda what he does.

And he doesn't even have to eat, or enjoy himself, or like the gifts. He can declare he hates everything off the bat and take the W. There are no terms and conditions.

*claps four times* THAT'S IT!!! THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE BITCH.

Pure cartoony villain, right here. At least if the episode's going down, we still got the cartoony hammy villain.

Oh. Bro got a plus one.

I mean let's be honest, they should have prepared for that.

Huh. Apparently Pact- er, sorry, Pat was keeping Square Squire (the finest student of Professor Square's class, thank you) in his hammerspace spine. And the dude is taller than him.

Still not any more impressive than Lady Bread holding the Form-Changer up by brute strength, though.

Never have I wanted to give an Odd Squad character an advanced lobotomy more than THIS FUCKING GIRL RIGHT HERE, Jesus Christ. There's fun stupid like Olaf and Ohlm, and then there's just bland stupid.

Also, is...is that a Brand X Coca-Cola pillow she has there or am I tripping? Is Coca-Cola canon in the Oddverse? Is there air?! You don't know!

I take back my earlier comment. This is "It Takes Goo to Make a Feud Go Right", UK edition. Now with 100% less obvious innuendos!

(I do appreciate Orli's only reaction is to give a nervous gulp, though.)

Because if it's too cold for you to go into the pool, get on the kitchen table and get swimmin'!

Only thing he's missing is an Oculus Rift.

Oh, this is a rip rip. Like three goddamn quarters of a rip.

Omar, what the fuck are you doing, bro? I can watch the show, I can do rewrites, but I'm not copying plots straight from past episodes. It's sad that they have a whole world to explore across 10 years and resort to reusing plots like this.

...Now kiss.

*begins doing a Mr. Krabs walk straight through the gates of hell*

I'm sorry, I keep replaying this, I keep hearing "Waterless Wilf", and my mind goes to "Water I'd Like to Fuck." Which is inappropriate, biologically impossible, and a sin against the planet.

...Look, I said I was sorry. Bite me.

Look at that bitch in the background.

She knows.

She feels no remorse.

She set this shit up.

She knows.

Fluorescent...Florie?

I- are you all fuckin' high? Were you people fuckin' high when making up these villain names? At least Parched Pat and Square Squire somewhat made sense. This is just "hehe alliteration funy" and that's it!

Ozzie's getting close to an Olivepalm, and that's how you know you dun fucked up.

I...don't know what the fuck Orli's doing, but that ain't it.

Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a piece of dry toast in my eye.

Or else someone's gonna die.

The man's got as many delusions of vacational grandeur as Obfusco.

The only difference is that Obfusco could reasonably accomplish a world trip in the span of a short time.

(On to Part 2!)

[callsigndreadfrost]

Listen listen listen listen listen listen listen

As some of you may know sounds are a big ass fucking deal for me. Like I'm cooooooooooonstantly paying attention to sounds in everything. Movies, games, music, real life--everything. I love sounds! Sure, there's some that make me wanna slam my head against the wall but there are some that make me feel like...oddly hyper? I can't explain it, sorry.

Point is as I'm writing I come to a part that involves Jelani but the first time he turns into his other form. The physical form is supposed to be weird.

Weeeeeeeell. Weird but I went full "aesthetics and things I like" so to others it might not be peak "eldritch horror" but in the setting he is considered that.

Now, when it comes to sounds I've always had him with double vocal chords. So when he speaks there's two voices though one is louder than the other that's sort of a whisper. Yeah, totally took that inspo from Eternal Darkness lol.

I also wanted a "fuck you" levels of weird roar. I always loved the tripod horn from the 2005 War of the Worlds movie. Looooooooove it. But it felt lacking in something, at least for a sound coming from an eldritch deity that's unknowable.

Then like a few years ago they found the audio file for the river monster in rdr2 and as soon as I heard it I fell in love with that sound. It's so feral and unhinged but not completely perfect (for me at least) for this eldritch monstrosity that's waaaaaaaaaaaay older than the Methuselah star itself. If you wanna know he's around 42 trillion and the CoE is whatever is beyond Googolplex.

So sometimes for inspo for writing certain scenes I pause to listen to certain sounds, not watch, listen. Be it a trailer, an actual sound on repeat or whatever. I looked up the tripod sound and the river monster sound and played them separately for that boost to my creativity/inspiration/hyperness/whatever weird shit my brain does to function the way it does. At one point I accidentally forgot to pause one of the videos and both sounds played at the same time and y'all it was like fireworks going off in my brain! Like the stimulation from it had me chattering like cats do when they see birds. That combination of sounds is perfect!

I wish I could record it while it plays but sounds like too much trouble for right now and I wanna keep writing 'cause I'm almost done. Almost. I'll need to read and edit when I'm done.

[sekhithefops]

I actually borrowed this bit for a small joke in one of my WoW fanfic chapters. >w>

----------------------------------------

“Seer…” he took a deep pull from his cigar, then flicked away the butt into a refuse pile nearby. “Huh, that’s the whole priest-y deal you cows got ain’t it?” he asked, the taureness wincing a bit at the word ‘cow’ but not saying anything. “Thought you guys were strictly non-combat. Back-end healers, communing with yer god, that shit.” he replied.

“Er, well, we were… but after Northrend and the Sunwalker movement began… well… An’she’s light is certainly needed right now.” she replied, the tauren blushing as she heard a few snickering noises behind her.

“… hey, ya left th’ ‘achievements’ part here blank toots.” he said in a mildly accusing tone, holding up her paperwork and waving it at her.

“W-well, um… I mean… I only became a seer last month…” she replied.

The goblin sighed, “So… you’re a newb. Great.” he frowned, “Weeeeeeeell…” he looked past her seeing a tauren warrior covered with so much metal that the ground was sinking a bit under their weight, a forsaken warlock who kept giggling in a rather worrying way, and an orc rogue who grinned and licked the edge of his blade, realized he’d already poisoned it too late, and fell over in a heap on the ground. “… fuck it, I’m sick of this interview crap anyways. Whatever, you’ll either do or you won’t. Grab a chair.” he replies.

I can’t stop laughing at this.

[smashfictionpodcast]

The League find themselves on the back foot with most of their members imprisoned on an inhospitable world of ice. Thankfully, some of their still-free members have taken it upon themselves to infiltrate this prison and rescue their captive friends... but with soldiers, droids, and war machines standing between them and their goal, this will be no easy task.

Stitch shoots for the moon; Adam Jensen is very new here; Vivian creates a monster; Yoshimitsu shares some sage wisdom; and the Cheat wears the pants in this group.

Thanks to Mr. Jumbo for the intro music used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/jumboguitarist. Additional music licensed from Graham Plowman.

http://smashfiction.libsyn.com/extraordinary-league-42-breaking-the-ice

[5am-the-foxing-hour]

Janus: YOU WERE A CHILD!

Virgil: I WAS 16! And I finally found someone I could trust, and then you fucking go and ABANDON ME!

Janus: IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Virgil: LIKE HELL IT WAS!

Janus *takes a deep breath to ground himself*: I wasn't about to jeopardise your future because you were associated with me and all that shit it brought with it!

Virgil: I saw you as a fucking older brother! You fucking bastard! I hate you! I hate you so much!

Janus: As you should-

Virgil *voice breaking*: SHUT UP!

Janus: Virgil-

Virgil *voice thick*: I hate you! But I hate the fact that I still fucking miss you more! Why did you fucking have to leave?

Janus *sighs*: I apologise for the hurt my actions caused you, but I don't regret my choice and I would do it again.

Virgil: I know you would and I hate that... but- but you were right... back then.

Janus: Well, despite my best efforts you still ended up with a smilar career choice as me.

Virgil *slight crooked smile*: Weeeeeeeell...

Janus: And you just had to chose the more lawful version of it, really? Did you remember absolutely nothing about what I told you about how corrupt society is?

Virgil *groan dragging his hands down his face*: Not this rant again!

[twsted-princess]

Hey mel can I get you Ramshackle ocs opinions on Yuu-mun and Tomoyuuki? :)

LUNA!!!!!!! Of course!!!

Melanie: Tomoyuuki is a sweet boy, she'd be thoroughly impressed with his detective work and acts as a sort of assistant. Especially when she finds him passed out in the library. As for Yuu-mun weeeeeeeell 😳 They bond over being recklessly helpful and she sees him a great friend (and just a friend she does not have a crush on him)

Regina: Yuu-mun reminds her a knight from the tales she used to read when she was little.......but a little stupider. She thinks he's a nice young boy but please stop, you are going to hurt yourself. Yuuki she's more fond of just by a little bit. Appreciates how blunt he is and she how tirelessly he works, she helps by getting him all the coffee he needs.

Petva: Tomo's fun to mess with, they just hold his papers over their head and watch him bounce like a pogo stick trying to get it before they eventually get their shins broken. Aside from that he's a good kid to them. Yuu-mun's also fun but also just someone they can chill out with. Granted they have to drag him away from problems but they allow him to pet their ears.

Mori: New friends!!!!! He likes both of them a lot as besties and wants to do everything with them!! Might cause problems for Yuuki but he's totally harmless.

Allison: She gets along with Tomo the most as she's very much interested in solving cases. Of course her cases are more grim but she's ok with playing their right hand partner. Yuu-mun is really nice to her and always helps with things....although it makes her worried. She doesn't want him getting in trouble because he wanted to help.

Forte: Yuu-mun and Yuuk are sweeties, like the little brothers she never had. Problems and all. But she does treat them well and makes them feel welcome, especially if they have an issue she can help with.

Alto: She....probably might be annoying to Tomo cause she plays her music too damn loud and wanting to join in on the case busting, just sibling energy. Yuu-mun's neat but seriously you're gonna die from Leona. She tries to teach him how to be cool and hip with the crowd.

(As for Mustafa, Omari and Cepos they don't give a single shit about either of them but they cause problems for Tomoyuuki)

[into-the-voyd]

It was becoming harder to quiet the suspicion, especially as Cami's eyes darted away and back again. Karen might want to give them the benefit of the doubt but they'd also known Cami for years at this point.

And they could read between the lines. Those lines were saying: I want out.

Weeeeeeeell... that was .... noooooot good! Not just for Cami, but Karen too. Karen had vouched for Cami. It had been their idea to recruit them, separate from the list of people Bill had already identified.

But, well, a first mission could be pretty overwhelming. Maybe Cami just needed to talk it through.

"Hey," said Karen, tilting their head. "Look, we're a family, right? We handle hardcore shit, I totally get it. But you're not doing this alone, mate!" Karen smiled and put a hand on their shoulder. "You can lean on us."

@camilo-makesyousmile

That Was Really Not Chill :) [Vamos]

[halfgclden]

EPISODE 32: A MAJOR OCCURANCE

The sound of spooky intro music plays and fades out. As the microphone clicks on, faint sounds of water and traffic can be heard in the background.

JADE: Hello cryptwizzlers, cryptrackers, but never cryptormentors because we’re all friends here. Welcome to a very special episode of Cryptwins in which we are not actually researching a cryptid. But! Before you shut this off and call us hacks, we are instead researching the recent disappearance of social media fitness guru; Edison Major.

More spooky music plays. There is also the sound of fingers tapping a rhythm. It's typical Joel, unable to contain his energy as he taps the dashboard in time with their intro music.

JOEL: Weeeeeeeell...Maybe we are hacks. —a pause as he laughs— Nah, just kidding. This is the real deal. I'm not sure you're ready for this. This is some spooky, and excuse my French, spooky shit. Tell us more about this Major disappearance? —another laugh— Get it?

JADE: [A short laugh-sigh is let out at Joel’s joke.] Okay, before we begin, two things. One, get ready for the barrage of major and minor jokes, courtesy of Joel here.

JOEL: Got a whole list, be ready! He lets Jade finish, but listeners can still hear the tapping sound while she speaks.

JADE: Secondly, we’re still on the road here, so if the audio is bad or choppy... deal with it? —another small laugh— Anyyyyway. Spooky is right. This all began in September of last year, when @majored posted a picture of himself in a dark basement wearing a weird costume and then immediately went off the grid. And, you know, I’m all for a social media cleanse, people do it all the time. Buuut, what really brought this to our attention was a month later, on Halloween Eve of all nights, when a video popped up of him getting his ass kicked by someone in a Kakashi Hatake costume.

JOEL: Now, I know y'all are asking yourselves "Isn't he a fitness guru? Why was some weeb kickin' his ass?" And to that I say hey! Some weebs are strong, some are Super Saiyan, and others are Kakashi Hatake, the most talented ninja in Konohagukure.

JADE: lets out a laughing wheeze.

JOEL: We don't endorse fighting here. But I digress —a laugh— back on topic. So this guy just up and disappears out of nowhere? And there's not a peep of him until we see Kakashi givin’ him the business. What does this all mean?

JADE: Okay, so, let’s get the full story. @majored goes off the grid, comes back to get his ass kicked by a Naruto character, disappears again, comes back to spit on someone and call them a see you next Tuesday, and then disappears again. And he hasn’t come back online. So what’s up with that? Well... we did a little digging.

Another spooky noise plays over the sound of Jade organizing a stack of papers.

JOEL: Daaaaaaang. I’d say those are some fightin' words, especially from someone who keeps pulling a vanishing act, don’t ya think?

JADE: They really are! I mean, he is from New Zealand, but even so, I think you don’t use that word unless you want to attract some attention. -She clicks her tongue as she gets back on topic- The video was originally posted the night before Halloween of last year, by @ime.are on Twitter. Obviously they got a lot of hate and questions after posting this, but all of them were left unanswered. The only person in the video that was tagged was Major, but upon further examination, this Ime seems to follow and have pictures with someone who happened to be dressed as Kakashi that same night, which has led many to speculate that these ninjas are the same person.

JOEL: So we all know Halloween's a spooooky season. Perfect for parties and all that jazz. But all those costumes make it a perfect time for disguises. Was that even the real Major? Was the person who spit the real Major? Who is this Ime and how do they fit into the story? And who— a pause for dramatic effect and muffled laughter as he tries to stay serious— is this mystery ninja? Tell us more!

JADE: Alright, alright. So this mystery ninja goes by Abel, or @_kllledbycain on the Gram. At first glance, they look pretty much like every other TikTok e-boy; black and white photos, pet snake, the insinuation that they’re dead, whole nine yards.

JOEL: snorts when Jade announces their handle, and again at her eboy comment, wheezing. It's true, it's true!

JADE: And this stuff is so common right now, so nothing really raises any eyebrows, right? Right? Well, tell me, why would a Tik Tok goth go around beating the crap out of a random influencer? Stay tuned for the theory. First, we’re gonna take a step back and look at the whole situation, because, of course, it doesn’t end there.

JOEL: Ohhhh snap! I'm on the edge of my seat, and I bet our listeners are too.

JADE: [clears her throat] So if we go back to the original poster of the video, @ime.are, and we take a look at their Insta, who is on it but... @devinitely? Okay, so @devinitely is in the same place as @majored, clearly, and, for anyone that doesn’t know, she’s been doing a bunch of collabs with @loganvance. This places not one, not two, but three influencers all together in this place where weebs are running around assaulting people.

JOEL: Okay. Okay, I need to know! Where are they? What's bringing all these influencers together? Are @devinitely and @loganvance part of something much more sinister than it seems? [He makes a funny face at Jade and wiggles his fingers, before dropping his voice to a stage-whisper.] Is it some kind of twisted influencer cult?

JADE: Shhhh, Joel, spoilers.

JOEL: [He laughs.] Sorry, sorry!

JADE: [muffled laughter over the sound of more papers rustling.] So, any skeptics out there might say, oh, well, this Ime Are is just a lucky person who happens to be in the presence of more than one social media personality. However, Devin follows the weeb that may or may not have kicked Major's ass. And, according to a cast photo of Rocky Horror, on her boyfriend's Instagram, both the weeb in question and the hot man that tore the two apart were part of the cast. This would be a great time to mention that a link to the video is in the description, as are all the pictures from social media that I'm referencing.

JOEL: [to Jade but loud enough for the mic to pick it up at regular volume] Oh snap, you got everything together in a link? Like, I could click the link to check it out right now? — A pause as he does just that.— Woah, cryptwizzlers, she's not kidding. Click the link in bio, you won't be disappointed. Okay, Jade...hear me out. Given that it was Halloween, the night of nights. Do you think that...maybe it was all an elaborate event? Was it staged? Is any of this real?

JADE: Oh, my dear brother, always the skeptic. Don’t you think that it’s a bit much for him to stop posting entirely in order to get publicity? And we mustn’t forget the spitting on someone in South Dakota, that’s not exactly his brand. Unless he’s trying out something like Taylor Swift and Reputation but... I digress. No, I don’t think any of this is staged, and I’ll tell you why. Let’s go back to the weird cow print basement post. You know who also happened to post something about some cowboy party? Oh, um, Devin’s boyfriend? A picture of him, Devin, and Logan? Which... puts them and Major in the same place on the night that he disappeared.

JOEL: Not a skeptic! Just trying to get all these questions answered. —A laugh— You're right, that's 180 from the online presence he used to have. All theories aside, —a pause— I'd love to go to a cowboy party. Get me a glow-in-the-dark cowboy hat. You know they make 'em. —He laughs again, mouthing 'what?' to Jade.—

JADE: Oh, def. We're getting matching hats. Check out our merch in a few weeks —she laughs— Glow in the dark mothman themed cowboy hats, talk about a niche.

JOEL: Snap, we have to do that now, 'cause I want one real bad. But okay, back on track. This cowboy party. The origin of this theory, yeah? Oh snap...what were those three doing in the same place as Major? And all in cow print too? That's....majorly suspicious! [He trails off into laughter, his voice doing that wheezy thing when someone's trying to finish their sentence before cracking up. Recovering, he adds the following.] Wait, wait, wait. What about—

JADE: Yes, yes, yes. —she cuts Joel off as though he's finished his sentence, chuckling at his joke— Patience, my dear twin, we will get there. —the smile is evident in her voice—

JOEL: I feel like somehow, I ended up as your Padawan for this episode. — he laughs—

JADE: You heard it here, I'm absolutely schooling Joel this episode. — she laughs— First, we're going to backtrack all the way to the original poster again. You know we snooped their whole page, and they're pretty regularly posting pictures with this person, @rengaaay, who isn't an influencer but she makes some of those sick ass roller skating videos... this isn't sus, just cool, link in the description. —a slight pause as she tries to get back to her train of thought— Anyway, what is sus is that she tags two people in her photos all the time... But no joke guys check out their Insta profiles they look different in like every other picture. Which, uh, could just be editing but also could be something.... more sinister? Hold onto that thought.

JOEL: That's such a good handle, dang! Better than @lumberjoel, honestly. I have to say I'm jelly. We should get branded rollerskates, maybe @rengaaay can advertise for us if we ship them. JK...unless? —more laughter as he waits for Jade to get back on the train and pulls up the profiles in question to take a look for himself— Huh...is it editing? Are they masters of disguise? Makeup professionals? —He starts to say something else but is pretty sure he's figured out where Jade's going with this.— What could be more sinister than human chameleons?

JADE: [The sound of papers shuffling can be heard] Oh, yeah, so, it's weird but I think every time the siblings are in a pic together they look more like each other? I dunno if this really makes sense but seriously dudes check the post with this episode because it has a bunch of photos side by side and... yeah. You pull a photo of them by themself and it's like okay, I know what this dude looks like and then you put them side by side and... I dunno, makeup? Contacts? Cloning, mayhaps? And, just so that I'm not just holding on to one thing too much... check their post from August 12th, linked below. Their brother... doesn't have a shadow. Why would you edit that out of a photo? No way are they going that hard to be memelords.

JOEL: Okay, let me look at this. Wha— That's weird as hell. How much hair dye do these two use? Hm. Could be clones? —snaps his fingers—Definitely clones. —he snorts loudly, laughing before clearing his throat— Ahem, uh. No shadow? That's dedication! I dunno, maybe it's some new challenge for the 'gram. Oh...but wait. I found a video. Look, Jade. No shadow. In a video. What the—

JADE: A video, guys. —A moment of muffled laughter before her mic cuts out, but the sound of it clicking on again is followed almost immediately— This is a big family, guys, and a big weird one because their other brother @sleepyfinch... Okay, wait, he himself is pretty normal, super cute, shout out, but guys, ghouls, you know who he has tagged in a recent post? Yet another influencer. Except this one is from Italy? @gaborealis; essentially, he’s a medium, so if you didn’t believe that the supernatural were at play beforehand... buckle up.

JOEL: Wait, wait, I'm still on the video thing. Who has time to edit a video? —his voice cracks when he says video and he covers his laughter as he focuses—

JADE: [wheezing] Shut up —there is no malice in her voice, and she’s laughing too.—

JOEL: So weird, I love it. Oh snap— the @gaborealis? It's time to get ghosty! —echoes "ghosty" and hums the Cha Cha Slide tune for a couple seconds— Okay, so wait. Does this mean everyone's favorite medium is also in the same place as...three? Three other influencers and this weird family of....maybe shapeshifters? No? Too crazy a theory?

JADE: You know what they say, cryptoddlers; no theory is too crazy. Everything Einstein came up with? Theory.

JOEL: Bringing Einstein into it, huh?

JADE: Oh you know it. —a snort— Anyway, according to Devin’s boyfriend’s Instagram, it doesn’t end there. @spencerkeahi, a youtuber and disability rights advocate who comes from Hawaii is also there with that gaggle. Shout out to @elidrising for tagging people and location. So what are these influencers from all corners of the globe gathering together for? Well, let’s take a look at the original poster again. You go on their Twitter, and a few months back it’s all just videos of people... fighting? In some sort of underground place. Mayhaps... the same creepy basement that Major posted his last photo? —a small gasp, as though she’s surprised by this— No, that must be a coincidence... or is it?

Another spooky sound plays

JOEL: @elidrising is the man, dang! Are you tellin' me there's a...—he lowers his voice to a whisper— secret influencers-only Fight Club? I wouldn't put it past @devinitely TBH. Honestly, I'd join one...even though I guess I've broken the first rule but talking about it, huh? Actually— Jay, do you think we'd even be allowed to join? Are podcasters influencers? Poll in my story right now, let us know what y'all think.

JADE: Right now? Joel, this isn’t going up for another week, at least. —She’s obviously trying to sound less amused than she’s coming off— Once we get the blue check we’re influencers, so we’ve got a few million followers to go, I think.

JOEL: Yeah, right now! They'll hear that when the episode goes up and respond in real ti— Oh, no. You're right. Oops. No poll in my story, y'all. False alarm. Blue check, huh? You heard it here, cryptwizzlers, we're gonna get that blue check. Tell your friends, tell your family. Heck, tell that cute barista at your coffee shop to listen to our podcast! We might just do a giveaway when we get that lil' blue swoosh.

JADE: [clears her throat.] You know what’s a great way to get us that blue check, though?

A different, light sort of spooky music begins playing in the background, meaning that it’s time for the ad break

JOEL: Take it away!

JADE: Checking out a little app called Creature Comforts. Alright guys, not that this show isn’t one hundred percent real as it is, but for real, I love this app. A dating sim that features everyone’s favorite... for lack of a better term, monsters. Did you watch the Shape of Water and go, “Damn, I’d tap that”? Do you want to snuggle with a Sasquatch? Do you just wish you could find yourself a GF with more eyes? Well, have we got the app for you. Creature Comforts lets you do all this and more. A choose-your-own-adventure game where you can smooch beasts, marry Mothman, and ignore the outside world. It’s seriously all I want. And, if you enter the code cryptwins— that’s the name of the podcast you’re listening to, no capital letters, when you download the app, then it’s only 99 cents to play without ads. Which, trust me ghouls, is worth it. I don’t want anything interrupting my cut scene with the most stunning eyes in West Virginia.

JOEL: Don't forget that scuba diving date with Nessie! Or, or...that half-day hike with Bigfoot. —he's laughing again smh— There's a reason Jade does the ad reads and not me. But, I can tell you that Mothman is sure to sweep you off your feet. And it's not just because he can fly.

JADE: It’s the —a pause for finger snapping— alliteration for me. But that’s Creature Comforts, exactly how you think you’d spell it, don’t ask us ‘cause we’re dyslexic, and cryptwins, like the name of this podcast. Tweet us @cryptwins to let us know how far along you are, who you’re pursuing, and what mysteries you unlock about their backstories. Now... I think it’s time for a timeline, just to get us sorted out, what do you think, Joel?

JOEL: Personally, I'm still tryin' to land a date with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I guess we'll see what happens. Aw heck yeah! Give us a timeline, give us the dirt. — a laugh — Give the people what they want!

JADE: Okay — the shuffling of paper is heard once more — We start in September: @majored goes off the grid after posting a creepy picture of himself in a weird outfit in a spooky basement. This is around the same time that the Scarlet Surfer was in NYC for fashion week, which @majored accompanied him to, meaning that it isn’t entirely out of the question for him to still be in New York. Also on social media at this time is @devinitely and @loganvance also both is cowboy outfits, though the creepy basement is absent from both of them.

JOEL: I guess September isn't too early for weird Halloween stuff to start? What with the spooky basement and everything. Right? And everyone loves a cowboy moment— or have cowboys become the new clown? I heard there was a clown renaissance and people like them now? I don't really know where we stand on the whole clown— what?

JADE: I see our next hot debate. Cowboys: Hot or not? Personally, I liked cow print, but I can see cowboys going out soon. Once they reach killer clown status is when it’ll be ideal for me.

JOEL: Personally, I vote hot. And uhhh, not to kinkshame you Jay, but killer clowns are a no from me.

JADE: [tsks] Kinkshamed, by my own brother no less.

JOEL: [a loud laugh] You know I'm just kidding. No kinkshaking, ya heard? I'd literally let the Jersey Devil step on me so. To each their own.

JADE: [snorting] Um, gross.

JADE: Now to October: There is a production of Rocky Horror, a cast photo is uploaded to @elidrising, the account of @devinitely’s boyfriend. This places not only @devinitely and @loganvance in Montauk, but it also places @crispyboiz and @_kllledbycain in Montauk too. These are two of the people that are suspected to belong in the video by @ime.are, in which (suspected) @_kllledbycain, dressed as Kakashi Hatake attacked @majored, only to be torn apart by good citizen @crispyboiz. This video is the first that we’ve seen of @majored since his last post, and he offers nothing in response to it.

JOEL: Okay. Okay. Now, you know I love a good shadow-cast of Rocky Horror. I've always wanted to play Frank. I would rock that part. Am I wrong? —he laughs— But okay, that's - count 'em - three influencers in one place? If @elidrising is there, we can assume @devinitely is too because she was in the same location as, uh, whatshername? Logan? And that's the same location as @ime.are. Who took the video of  Kakashi kicking @majored's ass. @_kllledbycain— more like killedbyKakashi, eh? Seriously why are all these people together?

JOEL: [as an afterthought] It's gotta be a cult.

JADE: November to December: Nothing happens with @majored, @ime.are also offers nothing except for quote unquote “#teamkakashi”, which is funny because they never tagged Kakashi, but anyways. Upon deeper inspection, there are videos on their Twitter from last May, of people in a fighting ring. And then people fighting on a lake? But the fighting ring looks super dangerous and I dunno, like you said, cult-y? Fight-club-y? Call it what you will. In any case, we are led to believe that this fighting has been going on for some time in the background.

JOEL: Okay, come on. That’s definitely a cult. I’ve seen the movie, can confirm. — he groans— Literally what is an Italian astrologer doing there? Wait, wait, wait. Montauk? You said Montauk. Montauk, as in on Long Island. As in like —he drops his voice to a stage-whisper— the part of Long Island that peeps believe to be the site of a government cover-up involving kidnapping, mind control, and time travel? The part that inspired Stranger Things? That Montauk? Snap. I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together sooner. Jade, Jade. What if this is, I don’t know, like, MKUltra 2.0?

JADE: Yes, yes that Montauk, I’m glad you picked up on that. Look, I’m not saying that it’s an influencer’s-only thing, but I am saying that some might be in the area, and maybe involved. At the same time throughout all of this, we have a culmination of more influencers seeming to know this network of people. @gaborealis, an Italian astrologer, is seen in pictures of @sleepyfinch, who was also in the production of Rocky Horror, and has pictures with @crispyboiz and, god, this name is a freaking nightmare, @_kllledbycain. Not to mention this guy has many pictures of weird… family members? Who sometimes look alike? Okay, but seriously, @kodakola and @sonofpeter, how is your hair not straw at this point? Is it wigs? I think my hair would simply fall out. And y’all using Insta filters or what, cause… I’m not gonna get into it, let’s keep going.

JOEL: Maybe they're makeup vloggers or something. Gotta change up the look for views, right? Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe and uhhhh, smash that follow button— or whatever YouTubers say. —he laughs— Okay but seriously, yeah. @sonofpeter, @kodakola, whatever you two are doing to your hair, let me know because I'm trying to bleach my hair and dye it bright purple without it falling out. And since we're doing it at our next stop, well, your advice will probably be too late. But still, what are your secrets? Is it...clones?

JADE: Joel! —she’s laughing again.— Timeline and then theories. —she clears her throat— After that long silence, a Tweet emerges. January 8th. "Can’t believe @majored SPAT on me and called me a C-Blank-Blank-T when he checked into @SDFamilyMotel last night”. This places Major across the country from where we believed him to be, but acting so strangely that one must wonder… was that really him? Or was it someone that just looked like him? Or was it a cry for help? Nothing’s been heard since from @majored, which I guess… leads us to our theories. —a pause— You were saying… clones, Joel?

JOEL: Sheeeeesh, this is not @majored's year. I gotta say, this sounds totally different from the vibe that this guy used to put out on his social media. Obviously Instagram is fake blah blah blah, you know the spiel, but like. Damn. He spit on them? —a pause as he considers what his sibling has said— You know....I think that's a really good point. Was that even the real him? Will the real Ed Major please stand up?

JADE: I know. It just seems out of character, and terrible for a reputation, but it also would make sense if... One, this is a fake @majored, meant to stir up controversy before he goes underground again. And with an action like spitting on someone and calling them a name like that? Who cares what the dude does after that? Unfollowed, cancelled, whatever. And why would this guy want to go underground, well, I'm glad you're so interested. Well, the official Cryptwins theory is that maybe... just maybe, the crazy, government cover-up Montauk that we all know and love isn't that far from truth. We see that they have means of covering up shadows —she lets out a laugh— and people whose faces just change? And who else is there, @spencerkeahi, someone who explains rehabilitation, maybe someone who has experience helping people get used to being a clone? @ime.are, a nurse who enjoys taking videos of people fighting? It all adds up, people!

JOEL: Yeah, seriously. With the real @majored MIA, there would be no one to combat the backlash from this supposed...clone? Imposter? And maybe that’s what they want. Looks like Montauk isn’t the ideal vacation spot anymore, huh? Even if their seaside cabins are super chill and homey. But I digress. Something sinister is going on. Something bigger than we can even imagine. A secret underground facility that’s...cloning influencers? Training them? Your guess is as good as mine. And that’s why we’re on this road trip, isn’t that right Jade? To get some answers?

JADE: Exactly. —it sounds as though she is holding back a laugh or a cough.— Cross country roadtrip in which we explore different topics like this one, and on the way, we'll document our progress and any spooky encounters. Check out our insta, @cryptwins to get all the updates, and consider hitting us up on Patreon if you want us to be able to afford the gas to get all the way to the east coast.

JOEL: I’ll be posting behind the scenes content in the “ROADTRIP” highlight on my Insta throughout the trip so be sure to check my stories. You might get lucky and find some special codes for Creature Comforts but, hey. You didn’t hear it from me. -he laughs and there’s the distinct sound of a bag of chips being opened- What Jade meant to say is gas and snack money. So yeah, go go go! Check out the Patreon! We might even do a giveaway at the end of our trip, get you guys some cool souvenirs we pick up on our travels. Not a bad idea, eh?

JADE: Joel, my ears are literally bleeding right now. Thanks. Anyway, our second theory will also be exclusive to our Patrons, so be sure to get the full video there. Cryptwins... out...

Her voice fades out and the music from the beginning fades in, takes over, and plays until the end of the track.

[anti-virgil]

Okay but think about this, Remus is extremely protective of Roman, in the "only i get to hurt/call him stupid things" and the moment Remus finds out just how terrible Roman is being treated by Virgil, weeeeeeeell, lets just say Virgil won't be having any pleasant dreams for the future and Remus is set on making him feel like shit as revenge for Virgil hurting his brother!

I can only dream of this

[eczemaqueen]

I’m not an expert on this it’s been a while since I’ve ever discussed this but I just can’t believe that’s what you got out of the crucible. The fact that mostly “antisocial” unmarried women were targeted in witch trials aside the point was that McCarthy used his red scare shit to take down his political opponents with no truth attached to his claims and the sad part is is that it worked to a certain degree most people did not think he was crazy. And believe it or not if your response to this was ‘weeeeeeeell maybe he had a point or was correct’ you are almost deliberately missing the point

[originemesis]

By the time the more aggressive party members have made cleaving contact with their target- not a single one daring to be even a millisecond late to their date with punching God, he's traipsed the distance of a full half circle around the unfolding skirmish, a trail of scratched Earth from where he's dragged his axe along behind him the only indicator of where he'd been prior. Which wasn't much in the ways of distance traveled, admittedly- but unlike his much too eager company, he's not exactly thrilled to tap fingertips with the creator this time around.

Just as the back of the knowledge tree nearly eclipses his view of the battle, suddenly he's met with the sight of the engaged swallowed in inky resin and flung his way only to then catch on the trunk and sink beneath the bark as if they had never been there. Pausing in his meandering with the glowing handle of his axe still casually clutched, he grimaces and twists talons in to an unenthusiastic grip.

"Weeeeeeeell... that was anti-climatic."

The remark seems to be directed to the only other person left between him and God- some angel bitch that's probably en route for her own arboreal awakening. Wait-...wasn't there someone else? Chin tapping as he considers the math and how it doesn't seem to be mathing quite right, he then has his answer when that shit head of a renounced son appears out of literally the cosmos and charges in towards the same fate as the other's. Great...greeeeeeeeaaaaaaat- as if he didn't want to be here already, fate was going to make sure he was the only one left to- what? Have a staring contest with the big bastard while who knew what was happening with the happy tree friends gang? No fucking way. Not if he can help it-...even if there wasn't anything to help aside from not letting Cain get 'wood' of the unpleasant variety.

Twisting a firm grip on the handle, golden wings flare out and slam down with the effort needed to yank the expanded axe into an airborne swing. Though the head of the axe isn't what makes contact with the bough of the tree- rather a sickle shaped crescent of light that's flung from its edge. Spiralling with both the strength behind the swing and the vicious gust of wind that trails behind the boomerang of platinum-hot energy, the light sickle slices clean through the top of the knowledge tree. So clean that whether or not it's actually been severed is uncertain, only that if it does topple- the wrathful version of God might have some branches to pick out of his horns.

The gust behind the blow, however, knocks every apple in the bough out. They bounce red and rotten at the core along the ground, rolling in all different directions- excellent tripping hazards for those without wings or the proper manual on how to use them. They pelt at Cain like oversized golf balls while the remaining blast of wind that trails them puts up a brief but meaty shield of resistance between the eager to die beaver and his target.

"Not really the time to be an edge lord, you LITERALLY braindead shitnugget-" Annoyed flapping ensues as he hangs out in the air, ostracizing the first born of...some unlucky fuck. "The fuck did you even JUST get here? MAYBE stop jerking off and be fucking useful for like- once!"

@fxiled-fxithful @hxly-fxther

The party of Harbingers walk through a valley of tall trees of many different species. Spruce, redwood, oak, pine, palm. They stood tall and yet drooped ever so slightly down as if to watch the party march upon the land they do not understand. Tall, leafy giants they were, neglected from the touch of life for so long, still as if time had even been cast out of Paradise. Their color had been deeply saturated a pitch darker, just like the grass and the sky that held an ever gray color. Where was the sun? The moon? Are they on Earth? Are they in Heaven or Hell? Perhaps Purgatory?

Even the steps they took on the land wouldn’t deepen with pressure of their strides. A million men could walk these plains and yet no path would be made. Change was lost here and only the being would be the one to know that change is absent in Eden. This place had remained constant the very moment Adam and Eve were removed from the land.

The Wrathful One. He stands in front of a tree, a tall, nameless tree, one that is familiar to all but foreign to Earth or even Heaven and Hell. The tree that bared the fruit of knowledge.

God watches the group approach him, bright white eyes unmoving, unchanging as he stands before the seven. These were the Harbingers, the grand test before the finale, many have stood up to them, many have fallen and rarely do they all fall. It would have been an honor to face them in a way like this, if not for what The Wrathful One sees. In time they will find out.

For now, the shadows that seep off the being dissipate once his form touches the ground. The stillness of the forever motionless air grows cold in a way that neglects to chill the skin but only the bone.

“You stand against God himself, Harbingers, Warriors, soldiers, dogs, tools.” His voice is once again strange. To each, he sounds like a collage of different voices of familiar persons to each of his opponents.

“I have seen you all, what you have done, what you are capable of doing, how far you would go and I must say, taking up a sword against God himself was… Predictable. Come then, show me what you are made of, be the firsts in all of creation to prove me wrong.”

The very ground begins to quake. The trees now find movement, the grass rustles and the sky. Dear Heavens the sky is ever changing of color, rapidly shifting from Gray, Red then a standstill of White. The background save for a couple of trees that surrounded them in their immediate proximity began to flicker and morph to show an uneasy and hopeless scene past those trees.

A palace of black, crumbled to only obsidian bricks that made up its foundation, across from the broken and felled castle and in the sky, a portal that shattered the atmosphere like glass Heavenly clouds fall out of the portal and immediately disappear, beyond a golden, broken pearly gates lay in shambles. Pieces of its glory lay scattered all throughout and seemed to glow even in this realm where they all stood.

But the most horrific sight of all, were the bodies. Heaven and Hellspawn sprawled defeated, killed, maimed, ripped apart. The stench of war was fowl and the sight being much more fowl and directly above them, far into the sky, seemingly unphased and unknowing to the sudden appearance of Eden, God and all seven Harbingers were the last two soldiers locked in a stalemate battle, armor and weapons both reflecting and consuming light. Two brothers, both who once loved one another now turned to hate each other.

Michael and Lucifer.

“Welcome, you stand in the final moments of the first Cycle. Once their battle ends, so will yours. The clock ticks down Harbingers, show me everything you have!”

@cast-you-dxwn @hellsdisneyprincess @themosthatedbeingg @dick-meister @originemesis @alteregozowie @fxiled-fxithful

[winterskywrites]

All of the superfriends have noticed that Lena and Kara are in love with each other but they are totally oblivious. They decide that is time to do something or they will never realize it.

This takes place in the alternate timeline from 5x13 (“It’s A Super Life”) where Kara told Lena her secret very early on and they worked together more closely than in canon.

“Do you think they’ve realized they’re in love yet?” Winn asks.

Alex hums in thought. “Maybe, but they definitely haven’t realized that the other one knows.”

“Ugh, they’re so dumb,” Winn groans. “I mean, they’ve been working together for what, almost a year now? After Kara told Lena her secret almost immediately? They obviously love each other! Figure it out already!”

“Are we talking about Kara and Lena?” James asks, walking over. “Yeah, I can’t believe they haven’t started dating yet. How much more obvious could they be?”

“Maybe we need to do something,” Alex muses. “If we pushed them together...”

“Ooh, I like the idea of that,” Winn says eagerly. “Do you have a plan?”

“I might have the start of a plan,” Alex replies. “Still working on the details, though.”

“Wanna share with the class?” James asks. “I bet Winn and I can help you fine tune it.”

“Weeeeeeeell,” Alex drawls, “if we all plan to go out to the alien bar, but no one ends up going but Kara and Lena...”

“And maybe we get Al to play love songs on the radio,” James adds.

“And we make sure both of them get them both a little tipsy,” Winn adds.

“Then I wouldn’t be surprised if something ends up happening tonight,” Alex says. “What do you guys think?”

“Sounds good to me,” James says.

“Oh, definitely,” Winn agrees. “We’re going to wingman - uh, wingperson - the shit out of this! High five!”

Alex and James both obediently give him high fives.