#Watch the time go right out the window
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Anyone wants to go to Buffalo Wild Wings l8r? My treat. I will need to stop at an ATM first I am all out of cash and I prefer to leave cash tips because when I tip with my card and just write it on the receipt I don’t trust that the manager doesn’t take a cut or it doesn’t get split between the staff members and I just want the server to get it directly
#It starts with#One thing#I don’t know why#Doesn’t even matter how hard you try#Keep that in mind#I designed this rhyme#To explain in due time#All I know#Time is a valuable thing#Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings#Watch it count down to the end of the day#The clock ticks life away#It’s so unreal#Didn’t look out below#Watch the time go right out the window#Tryin’ to hold on#Di-didn’t even know#I wasted it all just to watch you go#I kept everything inside#And even though I tried#It all fell apart#What it meant to me will eventually#Be a memory of a time when#I tried so hard and got so far#But in the end#It doesn’t even matter#I had to fall to lose it all#it won’t let me do the next lyric because I already did it once#anyway please consider Buffalo Wild Wings with me it would be fun and good food. let me know
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i need a fic of soap bringing ghost home to his family for the holidays. his family’s always disapproved of everything; being queer, being in the military, being with ghost and it’s all over not a great time but they’re trying to pretend for the sake of the holiday. they get into it after dinner one night though and for once soap isn’t backing down, not when it’s ghost they’re attacking, when the power suddenly goes out. soap moves just in time for a shot to come through the window and he orders his family to get down
graves and what’s left of shadow company followed them to glasgow; it’s the first time they’ve been away from the 141 and they think it’ll be their best chance to take them out. johnny and simon are left behind as they become soap and ghost and soap’s childhood home becomes a battleground, his hysterical family who still think he can’t be that good of a soldier now civilians that he has to protect and get out in one piece
#its the full gambit of sisters with their partners and kids#all with respectable normal jobs and lives#then theres john still running around playing soldier and now shacking up with his commanding officer#soaps been quiet the entire time just gritting his teeth and letting them have go after go in the name of peace#ghosts been fuming the entire time but his own family trauma and not wanting to go against johnnys wishes keeps his mouth shut#and then that instant switch the second the bullet comes through the window#theyre sergeant mactavish and lieutenant ghost now and they dont give a single shit about anything butgetting out alive#‘we need to call the police!’#‘call local pd who’re drunk off their arses and never fired their guns in their fucking lives yeah right’#‘this isnt the time for you to play soldier’#‘youre right. this isnt a game. its war and youre gonna shut the fuck up and let me get you outta this alive’#ghost sneaks upstairs to get the hidden guns he brought and to get one of the kids whod been napping#soap stays to get everyone out of the way and watch out for hostiles#ghost slides him a sniper rifle and he takes out the sniper on the opposite roof and when he looks back at his family theyre#looking at him like theyve never seen him before#i just need soap whos been underestimated his entire life showing just how competent he really is#soapghost#ghostsoap#soap mactavish#soap cod#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#we’re a team. ghost team
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ʚ🕯ɞ
#the night are starting to get colder now...#and it always makes me feel so so so lonely#bc it is so cold and my body is so empty and hollow it goes down into my bone marrow#i just dont wanna be alone anymore#i want to hold someones hand i wanna hug someone i want to cuddle under a blanket at night time as the cold comes in thru the window#i dont wanna be this lonely.....#and it scares me so much.. will i always be this lonely??#i sat by the lake today and watched the moon and the waves... the blue sky...#i thought... that nobody is waiting for me. nobody is expecting me. nobody out there... is waiting for me#i could disappear and who would... who would notice my absence right now?#the loneliness suffocated me and felt like a fist closening on my heart. squeezing it#as i sat there i thought i could slit my wirst with that sharp rock and then walk into the lake#until i got submerged and water filled my lungs and i could die there. let the water fill my lungs and drown me#could die in that lake. and who would know? nobodys waiting for me. nobodys expecting me.....#but i dont want that. thats why i keep going every day despite how much it hurts#i just wanna love and be loved. i dont care for anything else.#i dont care for material things. not for profession or education nor money nor status nor a large social circle#i dont care i just dont care. all i want is to sit side by side with someone. watch the lake. hold hands.#spend eternity like that. with someone i love. i dont need anything more#and i watch everyone around me.. how come everyone else can find someone but not me?#everyone ive had just a crush on is in a relationship. some of them even live with eo.#everyone else can find someone else. can find someone. but not me? why do i have to be alone?#i do have to say that my love being focused on someone who is closed to receiving it hurts so much more#than simply longing for a love when it has no face and no name. but i cant do anything abt that. either way still hurts..
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lil hiatus away
#trump winning hit hard#harder than I thought because I didn’t think he’d win#we all met up the next day and had depression strolls#lots of vents and talks and anger#window shopped and actually shopped#looked at expensive guitars and little hamsters find fun in every place we go#we all made food with/for my niece and talked at my table for hours#played among us like old times till 1 am#got emotionally rejuvenated by the ocean#had plans with a friend that fell through so another time maybe or not idc anymore hahah she’s persistent though#I’m kinda over everything!#this 4:30 sunset always gets me bad for a while#on top of heavy world changes too like do that shit in summer#my dads friend Chris is visiting and that always makes me happy#I heard them cracking up watching South Park in his room last night was the cutest shit#reminded me of old times I miss living in Boston that whole era#wish we could have a redo#or even when he lived here with us after#maybe he'll move back this way someday#or go up that way since won’t ever be able to afford a house where I wanna live#or get out of the country all together#hiatus away was nice especially from Instagram and fb they're horrible places right now#unfollowing and unfriending everyone rn idc who u are#and honestly idky I still even have tumblr now I ask myself that a lot#more and more lately#have a good day#and take care of yourselves
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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So the one reason to go to Arkansas is to drive through a town named "Flippin," where everything sounds like a euphemism. Flippin Fire Dept. Flippin School. Flippin Police. Etc.
While that does sound charming, I don't know that justifies a trip to Arkansas
#when I was considering moving to georgia#a place I had not been yet#I was at this hole in the wall thai restaurant with a friend#and the tables were soooo close together#and there was a couple next to us#and the one boyfriend was just like hissing that he was NOT going to move to Arkansas#he didn't care HOW good his bf's job offer was#he was NOT GOING#he could get a job ANYWHERE ELSE#and while GA is not quite on the same level as Arkansas I was like gosh that is what i'm feeling right now#it's soooo far south#anyway I did move to GA and it was fine#although that feels disingenuous#I very rarely left the city and in the city I very rarely met anyone who was actually FROM GA#this one time I stopped for gas in what is apparently a small shitty town#and I'm white but apparently I was OBVIOUSLY not from around there#because there were like five old men sitting at the bar of the little gas station restaurant#who stopped talking when I walked in and just... watched me#as I bought a snack for the road and asked where the bathroom was#just silently disapprovingly watching this outsider... utilize a gas station#the girl working the register seemed apologetic#when i went back out to my car I could see all them watching me from the window#so I do think there are parts of GA that straight up suck#and had I been a different race I think my safety would have been in question that day#but Atlanta was fine for the most part#weirdly full of people from Chicago
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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At roughly 4 to 5am one of the cats decided to climb on top of the shelves right above my head where i sleep. Shelves that we put there specifically bc they couldn't reach them. (They grew since then. They can now...) And I was rudely woken up by a lego succulent that was on display hitting me right in the head.
The little shits have mastered verticality and I'm hating it.
Anyways. Anybody have any recommendations of museum putty for displayed lego sets? (Bc anything that isn't plastic isn't out in the open bc of them.)
#taks speaks#my ceramics are in one spot specifically in a glass cabinet#and literally nothing but lego and plush are actually out#i have been hit multiple times by my shelf sitting cyndaquil plush but that hurts far less#that was at least from them just reaching up and bapping at the shelf#they stand in the window sill and just reach#but now. somehow. they have gotten past the wall of cyndaquil. knocking everything on the shelf over in their path#to reach the highest point of the bedroom: the top of the cabinet/shelf that i have as a bedside table#what scared me the most when i woke up wasn't a pile of green legos but the fact#that the squirtle ditto plush that was shoved between the cabinet and the plush net above was sitting hauntingly perfectly beside my head#it's plain faced smile just staring back at me as i'm wondering wtf just hit my head#how did it land perfectly like this? idk. but i swear i had a moment of thinking halfawake where i thought it was posessed#the cats really want to be in the nook between the cabinet and plush net#i can't blame them. it's high up and it's covered#but it's how they get up there and how it's right over my head#and due to the rise in infiltrating wolf spiders in the apartment we don't want to kick them out of the bedroom#so they can hunt the one we lost behind the shelf#which bean had last night btw but dropped it#and bc it ran under the door she was so focused on behind the door so i picked her up and put her facing it from like 3 inches away#and she turns quickly to go back behind the door#so i grab eek and do the same but she just stared at it and watched as it ran behind the shelf#they aren't doing their job. and they're waking me up very rudely
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i Ɛ> feeling reality split
#thinking abt the time our house almost caught fire & the only reason it didnt was bc i happened to be in my room the window to my right & i#just happened to see the smoke coming through the bushes & then saw them go up in flames & i was able to yell to my parents that they were#on fire & we just happened to get outside with the hose in time & the neighbors kids just happened to also see it & so we were able to put#it out but it got like 5ft from the house. & i spent a GOOD WHILE afterwards convincing myself that that was how it actually happened & that#it hadnt actually reached the house & my room hadnt actually burned & i wasnt actually dead & just watching from the perspective of an#alternate version of myself that survived (ie u know. the real actual version of me right now. & all the things that did actually happen)#& somehow i STILLLLLL cant shake the feeling when i think back on it that no i did die & all of this is fake this is a fake version of me &#im not real rn bc im actually dead .#ANYWAY TOTALLY NOT LIKE TRAUMATIZED BY IT OR ANYTHING#literally just trying to fucking fall asleep & my brain is like hey remember that time u died in a fire for realsies not imaginary#four years ago. four years & were still doing this shit this isnt even the only example of this its just the most extreme i think#but it really did feel like everything split there. there is a version of me that survived & there is a version of me that didnt & i know#which one i am but do i really? do i??
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While I don't know much about it, I would probably bet there are tons of issues with the cruise industry that would make me not actually appreciate it broadly speaking - HOWEVER, I do really love a lot of the interior design of some cruise ships.. How it's almost like a miniature city crammed into one area. Multiple sections with all different aesthetic designs, a variety of shops, restaurants, activity centers, community seating areas, communal use spaces (like gyms, laundry, pools, cafeteria/buffet (which I always love anywhere)), etc. etc. but then also everyone has a little nice clean comfortable looking space of their own to retreat back to if they'd like to be alone. Maybe it's something akin to the idea of 'walkable cities', where everything you could ever want to do is kind of right there just a short walk away? I also especially love how so much stuff is stacked on top of other stuff, a layered cluster of spaces, bright open atriums, and when they're set up with little walkways down the center between a bunch of rooms so it's almost like a mini city street with apartments lining it, etc.. They often seem like they'd be SUCH a cool place to live permanently, IF only something identical was just built on solid land instead lol
#currently watching a channel on youtube where some person is reviews/tours cruise ships or something#and I'm just like wow the whole traveling part would be miserable hell and I would hate trying to get off of the stupid ship everyday#and see seomthing and make it back in time or etc. but OOOOO THE BEDROOMS! love the TINY minifrige!! eeee .. lol#perhaps just an extension of of my obsession with communal spaces. also love hospitals. nursing homes. hotels. AIRPORTS!!!#thats just how humans are meant to live for me. my ideal situation is that sot of thing like big beautiful bright communal places#but i also hate socializing i just like the idea of like. the entire communal world is in front of me but i also have my own little space t#retreat back to. youre not forced to participate. but the world is right outside your window if you WANT to go. ALSO people watching is fun#Plus i think part of what i hate most about Going Places and Doing Things is the commitment of it and traveling#especially in america where its like to get ANYWHERE it's a 3 hour drive or 15 min drive#or 20 min drive or 1 hr bus ride or blah blah. the idea of having plenty of fun little things to do that are all solidified#in ONE single complex that is also where your room is would actually encourage me to do things more because if#my health issues start flaring up or i get overwhelmed or etc. i can literally just... retreat back to my room that is a reasonably short#walk away. instead of like ''UGH now not only do i feel too bad to finish my excursion but ALSO i have a 40 min car ride ahead of me''#etc. Not saying that even in that situation I would become Super Extravert Thing Doer like i still LOOVE a quiet lifestyle mostly alone do#ing the same 5 repetitive tasks over & over again working on specific hobbies. but just that i WOULD go out SLIGHTLY more and do Activities#if the activities were already brought to ME. like a cruise ship layout where you have your little room private space but when you feel#like it on your own terms you could venture out and go to a little cafe or a swimming pool or etc. WITHOUT even having to leave#or get in a car and travel. just walk form your room to The thing. amazing.. ground breaking.. BUT especially the layers are important. I#dont mean just 'have the same features but in a way that theyre on land' I mean LITERALLY translate the EXACT layout of the cruise ship but#on ground instead. Like I want a full community cafeteria on the middle floor of my apartment complex. there should be a pool & waterslide#on the roof. A community games room on the 4th floor. a library right under my bedroom. etc. etc. Though maybe ideally I would say#add a little extra space like most people couldn't live their entire lives in a cruise ship room layout. But maybe just have the rooms expa#nded to the average size of like a 3 bedroom apartment. and then still stack them on top of each other.. More spacious decks so people can#have some plants (but also a community garden somewhere too). ANYWAY... Idk I just always love the aesthetics. I would love to tour a cruis#ship but like NOT go on a cruise EVER lol.. but just.. SEE the space. I love interiors so much. Also makes me think of worldbuilding like.#I think cruise ships could also be good inspiration for underground stacked cities in layers. things like that. OR just actually the fant#asy world version of a cruise ship lol. Though Nanyevimi's oceans are all so treacherous that non-inland water travel is avoided as much as#possible (even if it's more tedious to travel on the land) and would rarely be done for leisure. still.. river cruises could exist.. >:3c#In Nanyevimi the oceans are akin to how Outer Space is on earth (seen as a mysterious unexplored dangerous area etc).. a cruise ship of#rich elves setting out on a Groundbreaking First Ever Ocean Cruise & it just goes Wrong like a sci-fi 'trapped in space' type thriller LOL
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if horror game in horror genre, then why monster have scary face???? i want horror game!!! NO SCARY FACE!!!!!!!!! only horror game <3
#incoming ramble about scary faces in horror games spooking me too bad#just wish i could like listen to it like a podcast#i get this thing where a very particular genre of images#generally any scary character in analog horror will fit in that genre but yeah like big long distorted mouth realistic eyes usually#can be different tho#but yeah those images get stuck in my head and freak me out in a very intense instinctive almost like primal animalistic way#and when i say stuck in my head i mean i see them every time i close my eyes for hours on end after i so much as think about this image#i am not exaggerating when i say i see that image every time i blink#it’s not as bad if i’m just remembering it as opposed to having just seen it but it can be bad either way if i have a decent memory of it#and this causes intense paranoia#like yknow it’s behind me if my back is exposed it’s right in front of me if i’m in the dark it’s outside my window above my head etc etc#it’s really bad idk what’s going on with me but yeah it sucks bad dude i just have to avoid content like that at all costs#WHICH SUCKS SO MUCH#BC ANALOG HORROR ALWAYS HAS THE BESTTTTTT STORYLINES#IM SO MAD#THINGS LIKE THE MANDELA CATALOGS AND THE FUCKIN OTHER ONE YKNOW THE OTHER ONE HAS A H IN IT I THINK#SOUNDS SO INTERESTING STORY WISE#BUT I CANT FUCKING PLAY IT OR EVEN WATCH SOMEONE PLAY IT BC ID DRIVE MYSELF UP THE BLOODY WALL#EVEN THE MY LITTLE PONY INFECTION AU!!!!!!#I HAD TO BLOCK TAGS/KEYWORDS FOR MLP INFECTION ACROSS ALL PLATFORMS BC I GOT MY SHIT ROCKED BY TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE#LITERALLY FURIOUS I LOVE THAT SHIT IT SOUNDS SO COOL BUT I CANT LOOK AT ANY ART FROM IT ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT IT GETS IN MY HEAD#ONCE I SAW A GOOD OMENS VIDEO AND IT WAS JUST A CUTE LITTLE DRAWING OF MURIEL!! CUTE SWEET PRECIOUS LITTLE OFFICER OF THE LAW!!!!#AND THEN AT THE END IT FLASHED A FRAME ALL CLOSE UP WITH THEIR FACE ALL TWISTED AND DISTORTED AND ELONGATED#SOILED MY BLOODY BREECHES I DID. CRAPPED MY BLASTED PANTALOONS I DID INDEED.#SAW THAT WRETCHED COP BEHIND MY EYELIDS FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES I DID.#THE WALTEN FILES THATS THE OTHER ONE#NO H IN IT#CANT WATCH IT YHO SO WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT THE H
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Love the idea of Kae getting used to eating consistent meals bc of a significant other or even a friend who made it a point to always eat with him to ensure he doesn't forget, and even gaining a little weight as a result, even with his metabolism.
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Him playfully protesting that he hates the couple extra pounds and 'blaming' his other for it#//Meanwhile first chance he gets; he's happily observing his figure; and relieved he's at a healthier one than he was before#//Smth smth abt the healing process and him no longer being so stressed/distracted to neglect to take care of himself in that aspect#//And many others; bc a s/o who goes through routines like that with him (like naps) DEFFO helps him keep on top of that shit#//Or even going through their own routines and him doing smth in parallel play sorta helping remind him of his own shit#//Deffo was sickly thin as a kid; then got better with Addie's care; then his eating routine went OUT the fucken window when Luc left#//Bc he couldn't stomach much with his stress and guilt eating away at him instead#//And then leaving her care it got WORSE; bc then he was too busy/stressed to worry abt himself save his own appearance#//ALL his spoons went to Investigations; Knight Duties; and Beauty routines#//Hence why Noelle bcame so dear to him; when she came into his life; she likely picked up how busy he was and helped him out Lots#//His newer routine of bugging Luc at the tavern actually helps him remember to eat#//Bc he /hates/ drinking on an empty stomach; but typically doesn't care. With Luc; however; going to see him; he gets an urge to front mor#//And snacking means he's less likely to make faces when the alcohol doesn't sit right with him/he drinks too much#//So Luc's less likely to deny him drinks. Charles; Kae can just charm more out of him regardless. Luc takes more convincing#//Drinking at Cats Tail helps too; bc Margaret makes SURE he's had smth before drinking. She understands him in that regard#//Typically makes him eat smth that ends making him sleepy like soup so he heads home & promptly passes tf out hitting the pillow#//He's not actually caught on to the fact that she does this on purpose in the entire time he's been a patron with her#//He keeps chalking it up to how relaxed the mood there is that lulls his body into some sense of security#//bc he DOES gets sleepier around ppl he trusts for that very reason; is why sometimes he pulls away from them#//If Addie manages to get her hands on him before he skeddadles out of the Winery; she'll have him tucked away and sleeping in no time#//And actually having the MOST restful sleep he's ever had in AGES; up until he startles himself awake and realizes Luc's home#//And has to book it TF out of the Winery bc he doesn't want to deal with the man & bicker so soon after waking#//He's already made vulnerable by Addie's care; he doesn't need Luc to carve him right open if their bickering goes too far. Not like this#//It'd be all too easy#//Is also why he likes staying awake and watching people he cares for sleep. Bc if HE sleeps & wakes w them; he shows a MASSIVELY vulnerabl#side to himself that he REALLY doesn't want people seeing; and for hella good reason. It's an open shot at his heart; after all#//Wow; SO many points where it veered jdfbgf. And this was supposed to be abt healing & self-care jdkjfg
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We saw the beginning, now I be thinking about all the possible...uhh the word is like aftermath...epilogues? Seeing as the narrative will be left open ended, we can hypothesize and fantasize just about anything!
This one is Harvey carrying on with what he idealized as a normal life, getting married, having kids, going out with the boys, stuff you see on TV. But Cammy is still there, still a part of his life. And that's pretty neat. And also I cry.
#i went on a spree yesterday with a bunch of aftermathematics that made me cry myself to sleep#because no matter what. every single end. cammy will outlive harvey. every thing in between can be different#cammy leaving. cammy staying. reluctance. romance. etc etc. cammy will live on without harvey. and it will hurt them. a lot.#it hurts me a lot. im still crying over 'thank you for keeping me in your life'#cammy could be living in the garden until the very end. either of harveys life. or the tree they took care ofs life.#maybe cammy leaves but visits from time to time. or maybe they visit right before harvey kicks the bucket#who knows! thinking about anything past the narrative makes me cry#because we dont see that in media. we always get the good ending but that is never the end. what happens afterwards?#cause grow as we go's narrative ends after harvey finally reunites with his family in the philippines and decides#i want to stay at my house and take care of my garden. ill be sure to visit every year from now on.#and the credits would roll as him and cammy travel back. on the plane. the taxi ride. harvey getting the key in the door.#harvey putting cammy in the little makeshift bed he made. and him looking out the window of his room down at the garden. him smiling#and then it says end. thank you for watching. this took fourty two years to make oopsie whoops#god i go on long rants when its late. anywho compare to last time i made a possible ending#cammy reluctantly leaving as they both start to fall in love with each other#cammy willingly running away knowing harvey will heal from this and move on and be normal#this one here theres no leaving. there is no normal. its just living dude#grow as we go#sketches#harvey#camellia
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i hate going “hey i might not be up to hanging out im just not doing well mentally” but also i know if im either constantly panicking or completely out of it while we’re hanging out then it won’t go well
#got into a fight with my mum because she was like ‘well why r u still scared when we’re not seeing massive waves and hospitals aren’t#overrun and this 80 year old family friend has had it three times and is fine every time#and do you look at what people who don’t have the same opinion of you are saying’#my response to this was ‘no I do look at the scientific articles that come out though and most of the ones about covid are finding it does#damage to multiple parts of the body’#like. i already have fibromyalgia. we’ve removed the cancerous tumor but i still have iodine radiation and have to hope the cancer cells#they found in my blood vessels didn’t go far enough to spread and if they did that the iodine destroys them#like. is a kid with fibromyalgia not enough. im not doing chemo so it’s fine right just get me sick#does she not fucking remember how it destroyed her husband. she watched it we all fucking watched for weeks as he withered away from this#fucking disease#and then everything we didn’t see we got in twice daily calls from the hospital as they told us how his kidneys failed and they were excited#when he could breathe on his side for two hours instead of just on his stomach and then it killed him#am i the only one in the household who remembers seeing my dad as a barely breathing corpse when we forced him to go to the hospital because#he couldn’t say three words or walk a few steps without panting like he’d just done a sprint#im tired of her making me feel crazy for not wanting this disease im not irrational or insane for this i promise i promise im not#im tired of her coming in 5 minutes after i leave an argument going ‘don’t be angry with me. it’s just that-‘ and then making my only safe#place in this house a part of the argument too#fuck it it’s fine I’m out in a few months anyway#vent tw#sittin g in a corner rn so that the only open space is in front of me and i can pull my legs up to my chest and my fan is on and my windows#are open and im tired of being called crazy and paranoid and irrational#covid tw
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I'm cat-sitting for my dad and step-mother! Have some pictures
Immediately attacked me upon arrival (oops I messed up the picture layout)
Study buddies
This is the first time Jasmine (the tabby) has sat on me since she was a kitten!!
Very pleased about her new toy (she is usually dead silent, but kept meowing at me to play with her. I went to get more tea and she left the toy exactly where I had been sitting)
Kind of offended I had a shower while she was in the room
Siyah hiding from Jasmine behind the swiffer's handle
Silley time picture (ft bad selfie via my busted camera)
[Picture ID in alt]
#personal#kitty catties#Jasmine is going on 4 years old. She is a tabby and has the nickname 'batman' because she likes to sit high up and watch everything#she doesnt play with toys so much as sit and stare as you wave a toy about then run right past the toy and then sit and stare at it again#Siyah (i would write it Sya but somebody disagrees) is about 3 years old#actually im overselling their ages. they are both just under half a year younger than i said but im rounding up#she is a vicious little monster who scratched me within 15 minutes of me arriving at the house#also she purrs like a chainsaw the second you pick her up and she makes biscuits and purrs whenever we all watch a movie together#(we humans i mean)#both of them used to sleep on my chest and purr and also fight be and bite me when they were kittens#but jasmine didnt like it when sya was introduced with no warning. she no longer hisses at sya and tries to fight her all the time#but she does avoid spaces where she knows sya especially likes to hang out#except for the bathroom. that is uncontested cat dorm space#it is also suspected that jasmine pushed sya out of an elevated window last year#resulting in a broken leg that has since healed bc sya was so young when it happened#anyway i do love them very much! i cant have cats bc im allergic (and i live in a 9m^2 studio)#but they are so so cute. badly educated but still adorable
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I don't really know how to describe the feeling? FOMO somehow, maybe? I don't like it though.
It's like when there's two or three popular anime series and everyone is only talking about them and you just sit there after giving them a try like, "yeah, okay I see the appeal but... *munches on some popcorn while rewatching an anime from 10 years ago*"
I don't hate the series that this applies to. I kinda feel like maybe I just don't get it? I have felt this way even in middle school about books.
This is more about experiences outside of tumblr.
#{domino rambles after dark}#that post about how saturated each season is these days and there's no time to watch them all or enjoy them or remember them?#and you have THAT MUCH being aired throughout the year just to only see talk or hype about maybe 5 tops?#again outside of tumblr if i can easily control what i see then it doesn't count#bsd s5? only see it here#a lot of the hype this season is jjk and i get it! i enjoyed s1 and it got me actually watching anime again! but also ┐(´ー`)┌#i don't have that much interest is s2 and so somehow it's like watching out the window while everyone is having fun#am i also having fun? yes! but still...#that's my 5:30 AM two cents because i was starting to fall asleep#since i am at work falling asleep would be bad#after work i guess i'm gonna go to the stupid store and get some ingredients for ice cream#i wanna make ice cream i have a theory and want to prove it right#it's getting exhausting have to stop periodically to recap a book because i then have to remember the important plot details#when i'm distracted by my love of the character interactions and development#i worked 4 nights in a row and have somehow only read 1.5 books partially due to that#it's fun! but i also lose interest quickly that way#this is when i would like to say 'okay that's enough i'm going to sleep' but alas (╥﹏╥)#this is also primpted by apparently the ceo of mappa saying yuri on ice didn't bring them enough money#but simultaneously not conforming whether the movie is actually being worked on or just canned.#okay now i will shut up because i think this is a lot for the tags to handle
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