#WTF AM I JUST WRITING AGAIN
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For my birthday... read my webcomic! It's literally free! (Unless you want books. Those are not free)
It's beautiful, it's gentle, it's funny, they're canonically t4t and gay... And it's about time traveling vampires solving supernatural mysteries!
I've spent thousands of hours writing and drawing it, and it's really good! I'm not biased!
It's on hiatus right now and coming back in 2 months, so it's the perfect time to get caught up
#i felt weird putting this in there so I didnt but I've also received recognition for excellence in writing#and was nominated as a fan favorite on webtoon canvas...#so like not only do i work super hard but its just really good!#im not ashamed of claiming that i think my work is well done. if i didn't think i was doing a good job why would i do it#buuuut. something about being like please read my comic im literally so good at comics feels weird to me#even though i think that. in my brain#i dont want to imply that there is some objective or tangible goodness to my work simply for receiving some accolades#its nothing other than some accolades. whether or not someone likes it is up to them#so i guess to me it just feels superfluous#but genuinely I love my comics...#i re read them all the time. and i enjoy them!#theres things i would change and probably will change when i go to print#but i did what I could with the time and energy I had#and when it comes back... oh boy.#my friends have agreed its the best stuff ive ever written. it's literally so good...#im so excited to share.#still not fully ready to officially commit to the return date#but i am gunning for it!#webcomics#webtoon#time and time again#its my birthday!#idk wtf to tag this as. im 27 now...#read my comic#LOL
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In 25 years of reading SBRL fic (yes I took a 17-year break but best believe I caught up real quick on all I had missed when I came back in 2020), I've only read one fic that actually addresses the fact that godfather has religious connotations to it. Like, it really is intended to be someone who guides your child in the faith. It is not automatically someone who has guardianship of your child after you die.
Idk, I'm not a religious person, but I think that should actually be explored more in fics.
#were lily and james religious????#was sirius supposed to guide harry in their faith????#put fanon aside and look at canon only#did sirius say yes because it was important to lily??#and then is like wtf is a catholic???#that same fic also had a really interesting take on christianity in the wizarding world#idk i just think it would be interesting to see more religion in HP fics#but NOT religion the way jkr writes it#again i am an atheist!!!! i just think religion is interesting!!!
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The Wonder Of You
pairing: nicholas ruffilo x fem!reader
masterlist: here | crossposted: ao3 | word count: 4.5k
summary: you surprise your boyfriend with festive lingerie for his birthday. he shows you just how grateful he is with all the love he has in his corazón.
warnings: sweet, soft, FLUFFY, making love, soft dom!nick, festive (xmas-y), established dom/sub relationship, quite domestic, fingering/handjob, oral [m receiving], throat fucking, p n v, creampie, praise, again nick has a big fat one sorry it's just canon at this point - massive cocks are rare but he's got one ok, 18+ MDNI
a/n: happy birthday nicky🩷
And when you smile, the world is brighter You touch my hand, and I'm a king
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune Your love for me is everything
I'll guess I'll never know the reason why You love me as you do
That's the wonder The wonder of you
- 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙒𝙤𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙔𝙤𝙪 // 𝙀𝙡𝙫𝙞𝙨 𝙋𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙮
Your boyfriend sits in the living room while you spend time curating the perfect set up for his birthday in your bedroom. You already lit the candles, mostly unscented but some which smell like a warm campfire and one that smells like candy cane, because you know he likes that one especially. There’s a playlist softly playing in the background, curated with a mix of his favorite songs that set a tone, lots of Deftones of course.
You undress and pile your clothes on top of the hamper before slipping on the set you bought for his birthday. It was lacy red triangles covering your breasts and it flowed down over your torso in a light mesh. You step into what is really a joke and an overstatement of being called underwear – it was just a couple of straps, completely bare in the middle between your legs. A pair of puffballs hang just above your ass and the edges of the babydoll top are lined in white fluff. Stepping in front of the full-length mirror you smooth out the mesh and take in your silhouette. Your immediate reaction is discomfort, feeling like these are clothes you don’t belong in. The outfit is too revealing, too holiday-y, too colorful, too much.
But you know how much he loves Christmas and how much he won’t care what you’re wearing once he sees you in lace. Man brains are quite simple after all, he probably won’t be able to tell you the color of the outfit when he’s done with you.
You sigh, making a mental note to push your insecurities to the side for the night and try to just embrace your sensuality for him.
Your hand hesitates before turning the doorknob and peaking your head out. He must’ve gotten bored since you see him working on some tattoo design on his iPad.
“Okay. Ready.” You say quickly before shutting the door and making it to the edge of the bed. You sit and unwrap a candy cane to suck on.
It’s clear he was unsure what exactly he was walking into by the surprised look on his face as he takes in the room before landing on you.
“Oh.” His eyes wide and locked on you. “This is what you’ve been working on?” He asks, crossing the room over to you. “What’s all this for?”
“Your birthday silly.” You place the end of the candy cane in your mouth and pull it out with a pop, your eyes fixated on his.
He glances over at the clock on the nightstand reading 11:14 pm. “Well, it’s not my birthday quite yet.”
“I figured we could start off strong.” You shrug, “I’m sure by the time we’re done it’ll be your birthday anyway.”
“Quite a bold assumption, with how fucking good you look.” He jokes, not being able to stay off your body.
“Mmm.” You hum around the candy cane before pulling it out to speak. “I’m sure we can make it last.”
You find his wrist and carefully bring it down while you part your legs for him, letting his fingers find your exposed pussy.
His eyes round at the discovery, “Fuck you’re so wet already.” He mumbles, cupping your cheek to tilt your face up to him. “You���re this wet just from wanting to please me?”
You hum an “mhm” around the sugary cane looking up at him.
His fingers glide up your folds exploring you while his eyes can’t look anywhere besides your occupied mouth. “Fuck baby.” The hand on your cheek slides down to around your throat, gently with no pressure. “I need that to be my cock in your mouth.”
You knew it wouldn’t take long for him to slip into his usual self. You hook your finger at the curve in the cane and slide it past your lips, letting your lips stay parted for him.
“Mmm.” His hand around your throat slithers up to your jaw and tugs his thumb across your lips before dipping it into your mouth. You instantly wrap your lips around his finger and suck on him just as you would his cock. Your eyes never leave his as you do so.
“Oh, what a good girl, getting a head start.” He praises which only fuel you.
You hum and nod around his finger while your hands fumble to find his zipper. You waste no time trying to palm him over his jeans, you don’t want to keep him waiting on his birthday after all. You tug his pants and underwear down past his knees, letting his hard cock spring free smacking against his stomach. No matter how long you’ve been together the sight of his size never ceases to amaze you. It never fails to fill your tummy with excitement and fear.
You don’t hesitate to begin working his length in your hands. His skin is silky smooth to the touch and the blood rushing through his member makes his veins so prominent beneath your fingertips.
The feeling of your hands has his eyes fluttering closed for just a second. His fingers never halted between your legs, now slipping into your entrance.
He leans down and presses his forehead against yours before pulling his thumb from your mouth. His gray-blue eyes lovingly track yours as he holds your jaw gently. “You are so pretty.” He says softly in the space between you two, so quiet you’d think the room was full of people and he only wanted you to hear.
A blush coats your cheeks, and you shake your head. “No, no. I look so silly.”
“Uh uh,” He nudges his nose against yours sweetly, “You know better than to say no to me.”
A small smile tugs at your lips, because for some reason it makes you feel so safe when he asserts himself like that. “Yes sir.” You reply meekly.
The edges of his lips tug up into a grin, “That’s my girl.” He whispers.
He pulls away just a bit to glance around the room, the red LED lights with the Christmas lights hung around the room and all the candles lit. “You did this all for me?” He asks quietly, holding your chin up.
“Of course.” You whisper back, looking up at him in awe. Even when his hair in a messy bun and thick rimmed glasses, he’s still the most handsome man in the world to you. “You work so hard. You deserve a little fun. And what’s more fun than having me be a toy for you?”
A chuckle escapes his lips, “While I can’t argue with that, I don’t need all of this for my birthday. It’s just another day to me, you know that.”
“I know. But I love you.” You state softly, nuzzling your cheek against his palm. “You deserve everything, and I just want to make you feel good. I want to show you how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” He smiles and leans down to your lips pressing a long kiss against them. “Well, let’s get that pretty mouth of yours to work then, hm?”
Rosy-pink tints your cheeks and a flurry of butterflies swirl in your tummy. You nod and let him pull his fingers from you. He slips them into his mouth and sucks them clean, humming at your taste. “God, you taste so fucking good.”
“Sh.” You wave off his compliment, mostly because it worsens the warmth on your cheeks.
The bed squeaks a bit as you readjust to lay flat on your stomach to be level with his cock. Your mouth waters at the sight of it. Thick and massive, the first half of his shaft a darker shade of his olive skin tone, with the second half much lighter. His tip swollen and pink with a driblet of precum pooling at the head.
You take no time in licking a fat strip up his slit before taking his head into your mouth. He lets out a grunt at the stimulation of your warm mouth around him. His hand finds your head and tangles his fingers into your hair.
You savor him, rolling swirls on the underside of his cock and then circling around the tip. His head is so big it almost fills your entire mouth, so you use your hands to take care of the rest of his length as you begin bobbing on him.
“Fuck.” He groans, tugging at your hair a bit, “Fuck that feels so good.”
You swoon at the praise which makes you work harder. Your hands working him, squeezing around his shaft for extra stimulation. You move up and down on him, taking as much of him in your mouth as you can, letting him hit the back of your throat each time.
“God, look how good you are for me, taking me so well.” He grunts a bit, rutting his hips for work just a little, knowing that too much might hurt you.
Your heart swells at his words and the noises he’s making, you can tell how much he’s enjoying himself and that’s all you wanted. You wiggle your ass up a bit just to show off just how little the strappy lingerie covers you.
“Mmm.” He hums, his hand running down your back and squeezing a cheek before landing a hard smack against it.
While you half expected it, it still stings but it’s exactly what you wanted. You know he won’t hurt you too much tonight since he’s being so sweet but usually, he loves hurting you and you love taking it.
You whine around his member and take him even deeper down your throat. You try your best to suppress a gag the deeper you go on him, but it’s not that successful. His fingers curl stiffer around your hair at the sound and swivels his hips forward ever so slightly, enough to make you gag again. He chuckles at your struggle, deriving twisted pleasure out of it. When you don’t give him a warning sign he pushes further down your throat. His favorite thing is testing just how far you’ll go for him. He loves how hard you work for him, and he doesn’t take it for granted, he loves watching his best girl choke on his cock.
You whine around him again and look up at him with your eyes filling with tears from the pain of his girth in your throat.
His lips pull to a sinister smirk at the sight of your makeup running down your face. “Oh my, look at you.” He loosens his grip in your hair and instead combs through it as he speaks. “You look so fucking gorgeous with your pretty mouth full of my cock.”
The praise alone has you nearly dripping on the bed and fills your heart with loving pride. You want nothing more than to please him and make him happy, especially on his birthday.
You moan with your mouth full and looking up at him through your thick lashes and he looks down at you in awe.
“Can I try something with you, my love?” He asks sweetly, as if he doesn’t have the power to command you to do whatever he wanted.
You pull off of him with a pop, nodding with a string of drool still hanging from his tip to your mouth.
“How about you lay on your back for me huh? Hang your head off the edge of the bed.”
Fear slithers up your spine at the idea of him having that much more access to your throat from that angle.
Nick picks up on your hesitation and bends down to your eyelevel, taking your chin gently between his fingers. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to baby. But I promise I’ll be gentle, okay? You can pat my thigh if you need me to stop.”
You tug at your bottom lip in thought but ultimately agree with an “okay” in an already raspy voice. You do as he asked and flipped onto your back, letting your head hang just off the mattress edge.
“Good girl.” He stretches out the words as he watches you put your body on display for him.
His leans down you as soon as you’ve settled. He uses both hands to gently finish brush all the rogue hairs away from your face and neck. His tattooed hands then find your cheeks and cupping them. “You are so goddamn beautiful.” He smiles, just taking in the wonder of you. “I can’t wait to make a mess out of you.”
You beam up at him and he can’t help but widen his grin. His thumb rubs your cheek tenderly before leaning down to press a kiss to your messy lips. He nudges his nose against yours, “I love you so fucking much, Princess.” He whispers.
Your heart swells at your favorite petname. With the way he treats you, he always made you feel like a princess, and he always made you feel so taken care of, so protected.
You were his. Completely, totally, entirely.
You belonged to him, and he belonged to you.
“I love you too Nicky.” You reply softly in the same low volume.
You let there be moment of comforting silence between you, your foreheads pressed against each other, his hands lovingly holding your head. You revel in the deep adoration you have for one another.
“I’m ready.”
“Okay my doll.” He presses another peck on your lips before returning to his original standing position.
He takes hold of his member by the base and uses it to press his swollen head against your partially parted lips. You open up for him, giving him full access to your mouth. He slides his length in, moving past your tongue immediately going for the throat. While the new position allows him to get deeper, you’re pleasantly surprised to find that it doesn’t trigger your gag reflex nearly as much as the previous position. This discovery allows you to relax and let him have his way with you.
He starts slow to test the water with long deep strokes but soon picks up speed. His hips thrust in and out of your mouth vigorously getting lost in it.
“Gah - fuck.” He groans out in a hiss. His hand smothers down around your neck, pressing down on the sides a bit. He wanted to feel himself destroy your trachea.
He leans forward a bit, only shoving himself down your throat more, to trace his fingers down your front finding your closed, bent legs. He taps your thigh softly, “C’mon baby, let me see that pretty pussy of yours.”
You didn’t think it was possible to feel anything other than the monster in your throat but still, your cheeks heated up and a flutter grew between your legs.
You bend to him, like you always do, obeying him out of devotion not out of direction. His hand slides down your inner thigh as you spread for him. You feel a tinge of insecurity and maybe embarrassment in your revealing lingerie, the crotchless thong offering no coverage for you.
His fingers glide up between your folds, circling around your clit before reaching further down and gathering the juices at your entrance. From this angle he can’t dip inside you but god just the proximity of his touch has you pulsing around nothing. He retracts his reach and brings his fingers to his mouth, slipping them in desperately needing the taste of you. He groans around his fingers covered in your slick and continues to roll his hips harshly into your throat as he savors you.
“God, fuck baby.” He groans and slowly pulls from your throat. As uncomfortable as it was having him lodged there, it brings a vague feeling of emptiness. You love having him inside you, one way or another.
Drool connects his member to your mouth in strands, his cock coated in saliva.
“I need your fucking pussy baby. I need to feel you.” He says, slipping out of the rest of his clothes, his body on full display.
His body was tattooed almost completely. Most people wouldn’t consider a body like his anything special perse, he wasn’t muscular or toned really, mostly just lean. Except for some muscle in his arms from playing bass and lugging around instruments all the time. He’d been very skinny most of his life but as he’s gotten older there was thin extra layer around his tummy, which you loved. As long as you’d known him, he never liked to show much skin, he was never one to be shirtless for no reason. Which you never really understood because to you, he was the most attractive man in any room. But since he wasn’t fond of showing skin, there were parts of him only you got to see. Tattoos only you knew were there and knew the stories of. Tattoos only you got to trace with your fingers and your tongue.
Loving him and catering to him was an art only you knew.
You nod and sit up, but before you even get a chance to breathe, he’s grasped your thighs and tugged you the edge of the bed. He whisks you up prompting you to wrap your legs around his hips. Your arms slink around his neck and you once again press your forehead against his, this time getting a good view of his eyes. In the dim light with the faint red glow from the light strips, his eyes look extra green. You loved how his eyes could change depending on the setting. It amazed you how no matter the color, blue, green or grey, they always looked perfect for him.
“You are so, so good for me. I couldn’t ask for a better girl.” He says softly.
“You mean that?” You ask past the strain in your throat, leaning forward a bit to be even closer with him.
“Of course, my darling. Look at all you’ve done for me, and how good you make me feel.” He gushes.
“I do?” You hum ghosting against his lips.
“Mhm.” He hums back.
He pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, you reciprocate, tangling your fingers in his messy black hair before lengthening the kiss. It’s soft, sweet, loving, patient.
It doesn’t take long for the kiss to escalate into a passionate flame. He climbs up onto the bed clumsily with you still wrapped around him. He carefully drops you in the middle of bed, your head landing on plush pillows without interrupting your kiss.
Your lips and tongues dance together as his hands wander your body. His soft hands gliding your every curve beneath the thin babydoll mesh. He detaches from your lips and begins kissing down your neck. His breathing is rapid and needy.
“I love you. I love every part of you,” He says hastily between open mouth kisses. “Every fucking part.”
You’re dizzy with how much you love him. “I love you too.”
He’s so fucking worked up that he’s already rutting the tip of his cock up and down your folds, putting pressure against your buzzing clit.
You whine at the sensation of his tip against your sensitivity and his sucking on the weak spot on your neck. Your hand tangles in his hair, gripping it with need.
As much as you don’t want to interrupt the sweetness of it all, you need him in a much different way. “Please fuck me, fuck I need your cock so fucking bad please.” You beg, the ache between your thighs screaming for relief.
He chuckles against your neck, even though you can tell he needs it just as bad. It doesn’t take much to bring you both back to your normal depravity. “Hm. You’re gonna have to do better than that. What is it you need baby?”
You groan a bit in defiant impatience. “Your cock. I need your fucking cock.”
“Hm. A little sassy are we? Not even a please that time.” He rolls his hips into you, sliding the underneath of his length between your soaked lips. “Let’s try again. Be more specific, what do you want?”
You huff, over his delaying. “I want your big fat fucking cock to fuck me raw. Please.”
“That’s my good girl.” The edges of his lips curl to a smirk, “Well. I think we can arrange that.”
Before you could even respond he’s already pressed his tip into your entrance. He wants to ram right into you, you can tell, but he knows better than that. He’s gotten really good at knowing how to stretch you out properly. His thumb finds your sensitive nub and begins rolling tight circles into it to help you relax around him.
“That’s it baby.” He reassures you. “You’re doing so good for me.” He fills you slowly, inch by inch carefully until he’s bottomed out. You hiss at the pain of him inside you. He fills you entirely and the stretch burns at first but sweetens when he begins moving in and out of you. Deep grumbly groans fill his chest at the feeling you tight around him.
“Fuck.” You wince a bit but let your eyes flutter close.
His movements start slow, but you feel his restraint bubbling beneath your fingertips like a volcano. “You’re doing such a good job, Princess, taking me so fucking good.” He groans into your neck.
His fingers work diligently on your pulsing clit, helping ease the pain a bit. You’ve been worked up all night thinking about this moment, combined with how his cock reaches the deepest parts of you and how his fingers work where you need him, you feel like you could explode any second.
“I’m trying to go slow baby, but you just feel so fucking good.” He says between the breathy moans that escape him. His actions match his statement, his hips working in quick but deep thrusts in and out of you.
You whine loudly at his words, only worsening you impending climax. Tingle fill your body down to your legs that wrap around his waist. You love seeing and feeling just how much he can’t control himself with you. The knot in your tummy is so tight it feels like it’s about to snap.
“I’m close.” You warn hastily, unsure of how much longer you’ll last – and you know he won’t like it if you don’t ask for permission first. “Can I cum? Please – fuck, please I’m so close.”
His fingers on your clit speed up just a bit to help you over your finish line. “Cum for me baby, c’mon cum all over my cock.”
Bright ecstasy blooms from where he works on you, sending a blazing buzzing across your skin. Explosions fill your tummy and your heart beats so fast it feels like it could rupture.
“Don’t fight it Princess, go ahead, give in to me.” He hums just beneath your ear.
Your nails dig deep into his back as your spine curves violently up from the mattress. Screams curses and moans rip through your chest and fill the room.
“Oh my, there we go.” His thrusts speeding up beginning to chase his own orgasm. “That’s my good girl, cumming so hard for me.”
His deep raspy voice and the way he’s talking you through with a bit of overstimulation from his persistent fingers pushes you over a different edge, feeling yourself squirt your juices all over his cock.
“Oh, look at that,” He lets out a strained groan. “I know it’s so much isn’t it?”
You cling onto him, biting down on his shoulder as you ride out your orgasm. His thrusts get quick and sloppy and hard, probably getting pushed over his own edge by the way your walls spasm around him.
“Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He growls, his hands sliding beneath your thighs and hooking behind your knees to keep you in place. He slams hard into you repeatedly until he goes rigid, and you feel his cock twitch inside you – which with how large he is, is a bit painful but you love it. Milky white paints your walls and fills you up fully, pouring out of you before he even pulls out.
He rests atop of you and lets himself soften a bit before pulling from you. It’s an odd feeling being so full then being so empty, but at least you have his cum pooling inside of you for now.
He falls next to you and your chests rise and fall in time. After you’ve both come down a little, you look over at each other with glossy eyes and soft smiles.
-
After you both have showered and cleaned up, you change into some cozy pajamas. A unplanned cold front had rolled in so the warmest pajamas you had were matching Christmas ones. Nicholas lit the fireplace while you made your signature hot chocolate.
You cozy up next to him on the couch, beneath a blanket and a cat or two. The fireplace warmth and the lit Christmas tree are the only things lighting the room besides the glow of the mostly full moon from outside the window. You nestle your head on his shoulder and watch the fire crackle beneath the hung stockings – one for each of you and for each cat.
The heat of the hot cocoa almost burns your tongue – just almost, just like you like it. The hot drink fills your chest, warming you from the inside. Your eyes drift to the lit Christmas tree you had put up just a couple days ago. You can’t help but smile at how each ornament has a special memory attached. You take it in and appreciate it now because it is a miracle the tree lasted even this long with the cats trying to climb it every chance they got.
Even though you wanted to wait, he was so excited to put it up after Thanksgiving that you couldn’t say no. You can rarely say no to him, especially when his eyes are so bright. Holidays weren’t ever your thing, but he always made them so special. Being with him is a dream, so you savor the magic he brings.
You’ll love the holidays, as long as you have him to celebrate with.
You snuggle into him shivering a bit before looking up at him, catching him admiring the fire and the tree too.
“Hey.” You say quietly to catch his attention but not disrupt the peace. He looks down at you, with eyes so fully of contentment. “Happy birthday.”
The edges of his mouth curl into a happy grin. “Thank you, my love.” He kisses your forehead, “You didn’t have to do all of that for me.”
If you were more awake, you’d tease him and ask if he was complaining but you were far too drained for that.
“I know, but I wanted to. Because I love you.” You plant a peck on his shoulder.
“I’ll never understand why you love me as you do.” He states, using the hand not occupied with a mug to find and hold yours. “But god, am I grateful. You truly are the love of my life.”
You can’t hide the wide smile that stretches across your face and the blush that coats your cheeks. “And you are mine, Nicholas.”
tag list; i don't currently have a general tag list for all my fics so if you'd like to be added to that pls lmk!
a/n; thank you for reading if you did! i'm not that good at writing smut or fluff so sorry if it wasn't that great! this is probably the fluffiest thing ive ever written and im embarassed 🫣
Thank you for any support you guys ever give me on any of my works, it truly means the world to me that you guys enjoy my words and lil plots.
let me know if you liked it! i love hearing your thoughts🥰🩷
#it you weren’t in love with nick before you prob are now#again wtf is up with me writing fluff EW#nicholas just makes me soft idk ://#i love him your honor 😭#happy birthday 🥺#i am semi late per usual lol#very christmas-y sorry i'm in a mood#sorry about the elvis reference i had to live my truth#nicholas ruffilo fanfic#nicholas ruffilo fic#nick ruffilo fanfic#nick ruffilo rpf#nicholas ruffilo rpf#nick ruffilo x reader#nick ruffilo fanfiction#nicholas ruffilo x reader#bad omens fanfic#bad omens fic#bad omens rpf#bad omens fanfiction
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More Possessed Doll Au (the au was created by @phoenixcatch7 so go check them out they do great stuff!)
Honestly this would be early-ish I am thinking into Bruce doing his vigilante work with the doll body. Or he just straight up has thick eyeliner/raccoon makeup lol.
#batman au#batman#dc#dcu#cryptid batman#possessed doll au#art#sketch#I like to think that the lil bat hoodie was made for him as a gift lol#Completely unrelated but I am just rotating like#Bruce's friends like Diana and Clark learning about the fact that he has two bodies#Also just Bruce finding each of his kids and doing his best not to scare them when his body and the bat itself is supposed to invoke fear#Just#Slowly coaxing the terrified child over to check them over for injuries and then they end up clinging because once he registers as safe#he is SAFE like wtf would try and attack this THING to get to a tiny child? Nothing in their opinion#Scary dog privilage but it's the 10'+ giant puppet and the dozen or so kids clinging to him#Gosh y'know what I am now rotating the league learning that the Bat isn't human the first time again and the aftermath of it#If you haven't checked out Phoenix's writing for that Go Do It Now#bruce wayne#ibispaintx#why does all my good art happen when I am sleep deprived or in the bath lol
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me looking at ch9.2, less than 100 words short of ch9.1's word count, and at least another 4k to go: 🫥
#i've been writing around 4-5k a day so i am definitely finishing tn#it's just one of those things where i was like oh yeah this is gonna be 22k and now it's 22k and not even done and i'm like wtf.#once again marveling at the fact that the word count for a completed ch09 keeps skyrocketing#like we are at 44k and COUNTING. INSANE BEHAVIOR
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there are so many things that i could do so well,,, if only i could like.actually do them
#ok to rb or comment on if anyone wants to ??? i just want to ramble a bit#this post is about everything at once and nothing in particular but also very much about my art career wtf#i miss school already.having structure and clear immediate tasks to focus on and surrounded by people who i can tell myself can understand#like id still be feeling the raging imposter syndrome and self hatred but then at least i can still bury myself in schoolwork and#tell myself that its the best that i can do at the moment and i make excuses to forgive myself undeservingly for not doing more#back home with same old people into same old habits and i am once again 14 hiding in my closet writing edgy poetry plotting murder and#trying to ignore the yelling downstairs and trying to convince myself that its not my fault but at the core of it all it really is isnt it#and out of sight out of mind its harder to convince myself that i am still loved or worthy of it or even capable honestly#and craving the academic validation hearing someone say that what comes from my mind has any value at all any real meaning#and maybe then im still just trying to fool myself because what i want is for someone to believe im capable because i cant do it for myself#craving someplace i can distance myself from being who ive been all my life and guilt for not wanting what ive been lucky enough to receive#ok going to stop before i incriminate myself even more#prob will delete later but if i forget to haha hi#greenbean talks to plants
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here's a return to sunfall (and blazon arch and the two carja gates near it)! the mod has been updated so there were no more endless loading screens when i recorded this :D makes exploring much more fun!
i'm not as excited about this thumbnail but it took a lot of super annoying work to set up so here's a(n unfortunately small) version without text:
#horizon forbidden west#hfw#out of bounds exploration#hfw out of bounds#video#also sorry to write a book in the tags but:#honestly i am very Done with this video. i had So. Many. Issues.#trying to get a recording as smooth as what i see in gameplay (fail). not falling off of things while recording (took 3 attempts lol)#getting the tallneck facing the right direction (several tries)#uploaded to yt and got a copyright warning(?) from sony because of music. wtf! it was just what plays in the game?!?#yt basically said “you're allowed to use it but the copyright owner can change their mind at any time” so#i tried to re-edit that section and ended up rendering the final video FOUR MORE TIMES bc a track was missing or off by a few miliseconds#and THEN i had to upload it to yt AGAIN which takes *literal hours*#so anyway fuck this video lmao#but i put a tallneck in it tho so that's nice#oh and i was able to get close to the leafcutter ants :)#hfw pc#(remove reload boundary mod)
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haikaveh... save me haikaveh...
i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........
i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the number of times i have reread alhaitham character story 4 and kaveh character story 5. like. dont look at me. kfjsdklfh#on one hand im tempted to think alhaitham would have a fully cynical view of friendship#and be like USELESS NEVER AMOUNTS TO ANYTHING but. i kinda dont think he works like that#well i dont think he would think that either way now but#even in times of friendship breaking up w/kaveh like#alhaitham is very FACTS AND LOGIC and i feel like he would still like#idk. understand the objective value of human companionship. whether or not he feels it works for him#HOWEVER. jkdlhfsd he is also the one who in his other lore bits was like 'grandmother the other children are boring at school'#AT AGE SEVEN god he was probably such an unintentionally funny child. i love u alhaitham u are so neurodivergently coded#so idk i feel like he would have a period where hes like okay. i was alone before and clearly that was the right call bc my 1 friend is gon#even if he does well alone i cant even imagine like. kaveh mustve been a huge impact and difference in alhaithams life#humans need SOME level of socialization!! and kaveh was his.... aughhh god they literally also read as having a bad breakup!!!!!#queer coded TO ME!!!!!! friends to rivals/friends to lovers to enemies to it's complicated..................#but again even if u dont think of it in a romantic sense like it's still so much. they were and are so significant to each other.#their bond is so complex and oughghdhgh they make me go bonkers#i do not think of any other 2 genshin characters so intensely as i do them .what have they done to me. what the fuck.#im alone in my stupid little genshin pit endlessly babbling about these motherfuckers!!!!!!!#and i love them. also i like that one scene in i think cynos 2nd character quest where al and kav r in the library or w/e#and kavehs like wtf no way u dont small talk w/coworkers. and alhaithams like no i just happen 2 hear people but i do not engage#hes so real he likes to eavesdrop but he does NOT want to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!!#also that same scene where kaveh goes 'WTF looking thru these will take FOREVER!!!!' alhaitham: 'ill manage'#kaveh: >:( FINE ILL HELP YOU!!!! like ok he did not ask. silly.#and alhaitham teasing him right after all that. 'teach me to pretend u werent listening' '...' '...' '...' '...HEY STOP IGNORING ME' 'see.'#theyre so goofy. kaveh u walked right into that one. ily.#i love when i talk about characters and it's literally just me going 'wow remember when character x said this. remember when he did that.'#i just love repeating scenes and dialogue and lore over and over and over and offering nothing new to say about it JKFLDSHKLFH#sorry i love them SO much and im bad at drawing and bad at fanfic so i just have to ramble in text posts forever#i do have. a fanfic outlined for them. i am just scared to write it#nothing crazy deep or whatever but yknow. im in a bit of a Funk Right Now dont worry about it#i need a constant stream of alhaitham and kaveh content constantly injected directly into my brain.
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#poetry#aesthetic#quotes#writing#writers on tumblr#writeblr#writerscommunity#writers and poets#poems#poems on tumblr#poemblr#real#Quote#credit to Pinterest#pinterest quotes#Book#pinterest#book quote#when u wanna tell them how bad u rlly feel rn but u don’t wanna be annoying and pick me again#and u know they have probably bigger problems#so u vent under a quotes post 😀👍🏻#idk anymore#*realizes that I shouldn’t vent here cause it’s so random and annoying#wtf am I on#like I know she doesn’t feel good rn so I don’t wanna bother her I already did too much#at some point I’ll just rlly throw my phone away#will delete later#I hate the sentence I’m fine
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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... it's just hit me that lister describes the bathroom kiss as assault and even when jimmy reassures him that he doesn't see it that way and doesn't have a problem with it, lister refuses to accept that it was anything other than objectively assault
while two days earlier jimmy insisted that a 32-yr-old having sex with lister at age 16 was wrong, despite lister not seeing it that way and not having a problem with it
does that mean that lister took that conversation on board but only as far as "the person on the receiving end of an advance can't accurately assess whether or not it was wrong" and is now equating himself to the woman that took advantage of him . because i will weep
#i am conflicted about the bathroom kiss to an extent#because on the one hand . do not kiss someone without asking dude wtf#but also . the difference in jimmy's response to it compared to the magnet situation which is? relatively similar#w magnet he was 'this is fine'ing his whole way through it and forcing himself to be ok with it and would've likely kept going if—#— lister hadn't interrupted it#whereas in the bathroom he is in an objectively worse mental state & more consistently dissociative despite being sober . yet he actively—#— considers it and almost goes along with it before deciding for Both his and lister's sakes not to#and i think his clarity & consideration there as well as the fact he felt Safe to pull away is meaningful to an extent#because it's one of the only situations this week where he's actually felt & acted on a sense of control over what happens to him#+ lister's immediate reaction being to back off and recognise his being at fault and never once holding it against jimmy#like again . should not have happened do not kiss ppl without asking#but i do find myself viewing it in a very different light to the v comparable magnet situation#anygay i am rambling in tags again when i should be asleep but still#i worry that lister is now viewing himself in the same light as jimmy views the ppl that took advantage of lister#but i Also worry that he is viewing himself as Worse than those ppl bc he can't/won't accept that he was taken advantage of#i do also now kind of want to write a Lister In Therapy oneshot partly just for the catharsis of imagining that boy getting some gd therapy#iwbftreread
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And while we're at the topic of soulmates, I think Crocodile would work so nicely with one from Alabasta. He takes it as a sign that he's meant to be there - fate has called him not only to you but also to Pluton. You're the embodiment of good fortune, his luck. He treats you rather delicately for a man of his caliber, kisses the feet that brought you to him reverently and tenderly at night and keeps the hands that reach out for him cool during the day. He worships you until it all crumbles to dust; then you turn into a source of shame, into all the things that couldn't be...
#wtf i never write angst but here is some.i guess ajsjsjjs#just had to get this off my chest i am normal again now#/crocodile#/one piece
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⚠️GETTING AUTISTIC ALERT⚠️
one of my absolute favorite things abt mo4 is understanding just how terrible a lot of the main cast is.. i've changed fukurou and morikaze to be more normal in my mind for my own comfort (as someone still recovering from trauma), but am still heavily critical of their characters as i am with every other main numa!! i love discussing the intricacies of the mo4 cast without defending any of their actions, and i really dislike when people mischaracterize them and refuse to accept canon for what it is.. no guys bachikin was not a girlboss girlqueen she was a war criminal & an awful person & part of her character is the fact that she is trying to fix what she did!! holding her accountable is part of the story im afraid, you cant fake-feminism your way out of this one💔 when you remove the bad parts of a character meant to be a bad person u are left with a very bland & uninteresting character. learn to love a character despite the shit that makes them a bad person while still holding them accountable it. i love talking about the mo4 characters who wants to let me ramble about the mo4 characters to them
#ekurambles#its 4 am and i just woke up and immediately felt the autism within me flare up i NEED to talk about the mo4 casts horrible actions in detai#i love discussing how horrible some characters really are!!! i love enjoying them regardless!!! please#theres not a single numa from the main cast that i actually hate (except canonical fukurou and morikaze)#(but that is genuinely just for my own comfort & i like the discomfort when i talk about them in detail!!!)#(i think its a good thing when a character can make you feel inherently disgusted.. sign of good writing)#ok i need 2 get my ass to bed now bro OOPS!#who wants to let me yap in their ear for the next 5 years when i wake up#or who wants to tell me what the fuck otsukin and koritora even did in the main story again ive replayed the game multiple times now btw#i forget literally every time even though they were like there specifically to progress the story#fym otsukin was chilling with zakuro and kashikin..?that was just the two of them on a beautiful yuri date#wtf did i just say
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sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller
#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY!#THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL!#i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do#but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion#and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like#idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack#real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world#it's still not . idk. it's just not#oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel#:/#.. that is. a Grown. Man .#it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again#like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !!#listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots#but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story#it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???'#like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint!#but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one#a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans'#WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS!#i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it#ugh#it sucks
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the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person
#searching through the X6-88 tag on tumblr has not brought me joy#also. 1 thing about is that i hate hate hate the (i think) canon blue eyes he has. like. for fucking what#1st i saw them on tumblr and thought 'well thats stupid. whyd you give him blue eyes? so hed look special? thats weird. at least its uncanon#also. on god. i saw some post headcanoning the companions' appearances and it was p cool UNTIL they got to x6#and they gave him grey 'almost white' eyes for literally no reason. like if you want to go with the scary factor theres so many ways for it#but no. some people think that blue/grey eyes are sooo special. and for what#<- i have brown eyes but im not just being salty. it really sucks. i dont wanna be the one to call fandom racism but it does smell like it!#also like. i didnt want to go on a stupid tirade about racism in the tags again but the way fandom treats x6 AND preston is just upsetting#other people have made some very good points about it and im not going to repeat them here (also noones gonna read this)#but like... theres 3 'main' black characters that i remember: preston garvey (whom the stron majority of the fandom hates/disliked)#x6-88 (basically the players slave? also hated for being mean and unfeeling (which is justified imo). no quest no freedom no nothing)#and gloria (who i havent met in game but ive heard some actual criticisms of (like. the way shes treated ingame) and noone else talks about)#if theres any other Named and Important characters. sorry but i literally do not remember them#coming back to x6 being justified in being unemotional/mean. he was literally raised this way. he doesnt consider himself to be a person#being he was made that way. he is a Thing and hes meant for one job and hes made to inspire fear#and hes not supposed to have emotions so he just. doesnt. if he does he cant express them anyways#1 if fallout4 was a better written game (or 2 if x6 was white) i think thered be SO much fanfiction about him. the possibilities are endless#i have something brewing in the back of my head. i might start writing even though i suck and its going to be bad#ANYWAYS. general fandom thought on x6 are WRONG and im being a HATER. fuck everyone who doesn't like x6. if you dont like x6 get off tumblr#especially if you like gage but not x6. leave fr#i just woke up wtf am i doingggg
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the urge to write but the inability to form sentences when presented with the time to write
#may have been been thinking of continuing that one thing sitting in my notes#but idk if i can continue the flow after uhm#OH ALMOST TWO YEARS WTF#yeah i don't think that's getting touched on anytime soon#i used to write and just keep stuff in my notes#not letting anyone else see cuz i was ashamed#still am but i have to admit i was onto smth#those ff concepts dying in my notes app#if i ever write again don't let me#pls don't cuz i think i would die of embarrassment#��— yapping
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