#WORLD LINK NENE. SURE WHY NOT!!!

[imbeingtauntedbyachild]

I ended up getting Len and a shiho! I injured my wrist tho lol. Tsukasa never comes home I hope he kills himself

[thelunarfairy]

Tsukasa continues to reject Hanako and he is yorishiro . What should hanako do to reach his feelings for tsukasa ? He did not even notice that his brother was crying for him .in your opinion how can hanako return tsukasa to normal??

He has to say that he loves him clearly and objectively, looking into his eyes and speaking the complete sentence, without metaphors, without subtexts, without nonsense.

Tsukasa has difficulty believing in Amane's actions, because he often acts thinking about "the best choice" and not about what he really wants, like what happened to Nene. He didn't want her to stay in the perfect world, but it was the "best choice"

Tsukasa has guided himself through Amane's actions, but he cannot understand him. Amane acts in a contradictory way, we know he loves Tsukasa, but he treats him with contempt at certain times. Even the fandom believed for many years that Amane didn't like Tsukasa because of the way Hanako behaved when Tsukasa appeared.

Tsukasa feels rejected, and Hanako doesn't clarify things, doesn't say how he's really feeling, doesn't say that he loves him. Tsukasa could very well interpret those tears as fake. He is so incredulous that Amane truly loves him that he was so surprised to be saved by him, that he went to ask Amane "why" he saved him.

And if you notice, Amane doesn't say he wanted to save him, he says "I was already saving her and you were there" More clearly, "I didn't come here for you, I came for Nene, but you were there and I saved you too" as a kind of favor. We know he's lying, but does Tsukasa know?

Do you feel any feelings of love coming from these words from Amane?

Hanako loves Tsukasa, we later see him being protective with him and more open, but his behavior makes him feel rejection more strongly than feeling loved.

He saves Tsukasa, but at the same time, he says he saved him "because he was there", it's as if he gave affection and hit him at the same time.

Tsukasa lost all hope, he tried and tried and got no positive responses about it. He makes it clear that he doesn't understand Amane "you despise me but you don't want to be away from me"

Tsu is absolutely sure that Amane doesn't like him, and for him to think that way, a lot must have happened over the years, so, for Amane to be able to convince Tsukasa that he loves him, he needs to do something that never done before, show his feelings clearly in words, being completely sincere.

MAYBE he believes Amane, but still, there are no guarantees. Tsukasa is a boy who has been hurt a lot, he needs much more than a few tears to believe that he is truly loved.

Amane cries when he hears Tsukasa's "indifference", but at the same time says he hates him.

Tsukasa's indifference?

No, it wasn't indifference, it was him accepting that Amane would be happy without him, as he has thought since he was 4 years old.

"If we destroy all the yorishiro, I won't be able to save you"

"So?"

More clearly:

"So? Why is this important if you don't want me around? If you hate me?"

If we were to list all the negative things that Amane did to him, we would spend the whole day and agree with Tsukasa's attitude without question. Amane made Tsukasa suffer, even though he loves him very much, his choices were unfortunate.

He feels this contempt even before he was linked to the entity, when he was 4 years old he already felt that Amane hated him

Tsukasa has feelings, he is a boy who endured a lot alone to make his brother have a good and dignified life, but from a very early age this feeling hangs over them.

We don't know what Amane did at 4 years old besides the push he gave Tsukasa, but at that age he already had that feeling. And follow the flow:

He sacrifices himself and spends years alone in that bizarre house, seeing terrible things over the years.

He discovers that his brother took his own life, making his sacrifice in vain.

Amane acts fearful and indifferent to Tsukasa (until age 12)

He kills Tsukasa

He imprisons him at the boundary (which Tsukasa begged for help for 20 years and was never heard from)

He left Tsukasa alone for all this time, and after their reunion he doesn't show positive feelings towards him.

He doesn't allow Tsukasa to free himself from him, even after death, Tsukasa was forced to bond with him like a yorishiro.

And as we saw, in this new reality, Amane still didn't free Tsukasa and leave him in a worse state, he allowed Tsukasa to become that, on purpose, because the smile when hearing girls who were there to summon Tsukasa with a hole in his face… it's not the kind of thing someone who loves you would do.

He doesn't allow Tsukasa to have peace. But at the same time he doesn't tell the truth, he doesn't say how he feels.

"Amane, you despise me but hate the idea of ​​never seeing me again"

Tsukasa shows an expression of relief when he is about to finish off the yorishiros, he has been suffering in silence and alone for years.

So, he must have already seen Amane cry a lot, but it will be difficult for small and petty attitudes to be enough for Tsukasa. Because Amane is doing what HE wants with Tsukasa. He's not doing it for his younger brother.

Tsukasa wants to leave, wants a rest, but Amane DOESN'T WANT IT. He does not consider his wish

Perhaps the best proof of love that Amane can give Tsukasa is to let him go, let him free…

Or go in his place...

Maybe, who knows, one day we will see Amane be honest and confess everything to Tsukasa, and Tsukasa will cry along with him at that moment.

It's something I really want to see.

And to finish, a little about Tsukasa's thoughts.

Let's look a little more into Tsukasa's feelings and hope that Amane will finally be brave and fair to him.

Even though Tsukasa has done wrong things, he is still that little boy, if it is so that he can finally be loved by someone, that this love is true and full, he will not accept anything less than that.

And that's what I hope.

[ssruis]

Hello welcome to yet another post that was 1) originally meant to be a short thing but it rapidly got out of hand 2) caters to me specifically 3) is all over the place because I kept finding more things I wanted to talk about

The way rui approaches emotions is so fascinating to me bc like. He approaches everything with a very rational/logical thought process instead of an emotional one and he tends to either ignore his emotions or view them as an obstacle/hinderance.

(From his gleaming stars card story)

If he acknowledges that he’s upset or unhappy he tends to just go “oh well. What can you do.” & then berates himself for not wanting to be unhappy. I feel like a lot of that can be explained by his childhood alienation from his peers.

In RMD his reaction to his classmates refusing to take part in his play once he explained the tree jump stunt & them calling him weird is to blame himself:

Little Nene: Rui, what’s the matter? Did something sad happen?

Little Rui: Nene… No. That’s not it. I pushed my show onto everyone and bothered them.

(From RMD - TL by Arven Oven)

Which is pretty telling. To Rui, the issue is that he asked for too much, that he as a person is something that must be tolerated by his peers.

But ultimately he still has faith that he’ll find his people.

Little Rui: …That’s right. People like you, Nene, who would say that they like my shows, surely exist out there. I want to make my own shows. But as of now - I think it might be a little hard.

(RMD)

And he *did* keep trying to find people who would accept him for a while - Wonder Halloween shows that he continued to try to reach out even after the stuff that happened in RMD, but eventually anyone he got a little close to would end up leaving & reinforcing his idea that he was too different from others to form relationships.

(From Wonder Halloween)

I’ve seen some people say him giving up on forming relationships was due to the events shown in RMD, but I think it was more of a result of him experiencing the same rejection over and over again. The definition of insanity is trying over and over again when the result never changes, and despite what his peers may think, Rui is not insane. I think he gradually lost faith in his parents assurance that he would find people who accepted him - he begins pushing Nene, the only person who hasn’t left him yet, away.

Middle School Rui: I’m working on a solo project… but I haven’t found anyone else like you that’s willing to help.

Middle School Nene: oh, I see…

Middle School Nene: then would you like to join the troupe I’m in…?

Middle School Nene: I mean, uh…

Middle School Rui: hehe. It’s nice of you to invite me, but there’s no need to pity me. I’m doing ok on my own, and it’s for the best anyway.

(From Wonder Halloween)

Why he pushed Nene away is sort of left up to interpretation - To protect her from himself? To leave her before she left like everyone else? - but I think the assumption that her invitation is out of pity show that at least part of his decision to push her away was out of the belief that she, like everyone else, was simply tolerating him. If he assumes everyone hates him/is scared of him right off the bat, he can avoid getting his hopes up and being crushed when he’s inevitably abandoned. It’s not unhealthy or detrimental to forming relationships he’s just recognizing a pattern and using it to predict the behavior of others (blatantly wrong).

Zombie Plushies: We can tell you’re just pretending to be friends! Deep down, you’re probably scared and disgusted by us too!

(…)

Zombie Plushies: We’ll never fit in with them anyway…

Rui: …! (Never fit in with them, huh…)

(…)

Rui: When I look at them… I remember how things used to be.

(WXS world link, TL by Haruka’s penguin)

He rationalized his loneliness with “I’m just incompatible with other people” which

1) ow.

2) if he’s incompatible with other people, there’s no reason to get his hopes up because he’ll never find people he fits in with

3) if nothing is ever going to get better, he should be content with being alone. There’s no reason to be sad over a fact of life. It is what it is.

4) being sad over this is inconvenient, unhelpful, and a distraction from following his dreams (on his own)

5) inflicting himself onto others is a selfish desire and he should just keep to himself. “It’s for the best, anyway.”

6) he’s perfectly fine on his own. He doesn’t need anyone for his shows, and he doesn’t need friends.

By the time the WXS main story takes place, he’s already fully convinced himself that he’s better off alone, and that Actually It’s Super Beneficial For Him & His Shows And He’s Fine Like This.

Middle School Rui: Solitude isn’t as bad as people make it out to be.

Middle School Mizuki: huh?

Middle School Rui: In fact, it has had certain benefits for me. It’s given me plenty of time to see plays and to think over ideas for shows, for example.

(Kamikou festival)

Rui: hehe. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing a show together.

Rui: you see, I like to work alone and with absolute freedom to stage any show I want.

Rui: as long as my shows fill my audience’s hearts with joy, I’m perfectly satisfied.

(WXS main story) (“I’m perfectly satisfied” me when I lie)

I feel like it’s overlooked that the only reason rui joined wxs was to get nene in the group. I’m probably going to talk about his continued pushing of Tsukasa’s limits/suggesting insane stunts and over emphasizing how dangerous they are at a later date - and how that was (imo) an attempt to find the point where Tsukasa would hate and leave him too -

(surely this is too good to be true, Tsukasa/wxs will be like all the others -> wait he’s not calling me a freak and leaving ok I guess I’ll go full throttle on the insane shit surely at some point he’ll get tired of me -> he got injured because of me and he’s still here?? what the fuck???? Well now I care about him & this group so I need to pull back I’m not going to get a second chance)

(Wonder Halloween)

- but I would like to briefly mention that Rui literally suggests risking Tsukasa’s life right off the bat & when Tsukasa is like “?? I don’t want to die???” Rui just goes “alright I’m out of the group I guess bye. have fun nene!”

Rui: Don't worry, the device can be securely attached to the stage in a way that will keep the audience perfectly safe. Please make sure you don't touch it or you'll die.

Tsukasa: what about keeping ME safe?!

(…)

Tsukasa: I’m not going to risk my life on-stage!

Rui: but you said you’d perform any role I gave you to, quote, 12000%, unquote!

Rui: I'm afraid that I have no choice but to step down as a stage director. Nene, good luck working with these people.

(Wxs main story)

Unfortunately humans are a social species & emotions don’t follow (faulty) logic so rui *was* unhappy on his own and he *did* want to have friends. Which I’m sure he continued to call himself selfish/greedy for feeling. Rationalizing all of this was a way he could accept/make peace with being miserable (because it must be this way, because this is how it will always be).

Rui: I was the same a long time ago… I gave up on fitting in with anyone.

(…)

Rui: If they don’t understand me, that just can’t be helped, if they disagree with the way I think, that just can’t be helped… I would think like that.

Rin: Rui-kun…

Rui: - in reality, I really did want to put on a show with someone else. But people didn’t understand the shows I was making. On a subconscious level, I convinced myself it wasn’t going to work out and gave up on the idea.

(WXS world link)

(Wxs Journey to bloom animation)

This added scene from the main story animation adds to this - why he leaves WXS did have to do with Tsukasa yelling at Nene, but the reason he doesn’t come back after Nene forgives Tsukasa is because Tsukasa’s self centered attitude is something that antithetical to a belief that Rui thought he’d given up on a long time ago: great shows *can’t* be made alone, no matter how many times you insist that you don’t need anyone else. As much as he denied it, Rui *did* still want to connect with people and be accepted - not just for the purpose of making shows, but to have a place where he belonged. For the first time in years Rui got his hopes up, started believing in what his parents told him, and Tsukasa proved to him that he never should have done so in the first place. Unlike the other times, though, Rui is the one to walk away first. & then tsukasa/wxs do the whole “true feelings” show etc etc we know how the main story ends.

That being said, I think that Rui still subconsciously believed WXS would grow to hate him and leave because he would finally be Too Much. Wonder Halloween showed him that this wasn’t true (Which is why it’s so important that the zombie plushies in the world link performed potato ghost to connect to the other plushies - it’s the show that was performed when Rui fully realized that wxs was not going to abandon him.) but I feel like that only cemented the fact that wxs would keep performing alongside him, not that they were his friends.

Rui also very clearly did not process or evaluate how his childhood impacted him.

Nene: When you talked about the old days, you seemed happy.

Rui: fufu. I don’t mind it anymore because it was so long ago.

(His RMD card story - TL by Rubilia Heartfilia) (me when I lie part two)

After so long by himself, with shows as the only thing he had, I think that having a connection to people *outside* of shows was completely unfathomable to Rui.

Which is why he’s kind of incapable of realizing why the idea of leaving wxs hurts him so much,

(Curtain call)

why he doesn’t realize why he starts holding back in wonder Halloween or why he holds back on the cheer squad,

(Cheer squad event)

And why he’s surprised that wxs cares for him not just as a director, but as a friend.

(Festival bathed in twilight)

I make fun of him for taking a year to finally be like “yeah tsukasa-kun and I are friends” but I think it’s pretty reasonable taking his trust/abandonment issues into account. Accepting Tsukasa’s offer to join wxs (twice) changed his life drastically - he realizes that he can connect to others outside of shows, that it’s possible for him to form relationships with people outside of wxs. Rui just needed to make the choice to accept the outreached hands - not changing the parts of himself that people previously deemed too weird or strange (not that he was ever going to do that anyways) but changing his attitude of “it’s just impossible for me to be accepted.”

Rui: I had always thought that I could never properly understand everyone around me.

Rui: as I started doing shows at Wonder Stage with everyone, my way of thinking and feelings began to change.

Rui: now, I am able to understand and connect with someone without relying on shows, and I’ve come to value the beauty of laughing alongside others

Rui: that’s why — tsukasa-kun. Thank you for giving me the chance to change.

(…)

Tsukasa: but… it’s not only just thanks to me, y’know?

Rui: eh?

Tsukasa: think about it. No matter how many chances I gave you, if you had refused to change, you would never have done so, right?

(Pandemonium, TL by Tsukasa’s #3 fan)

This is also why he tends to berate himself for having the very normal desire to hold on to wxs. He’s never had something like this before, where he has people who accept and love him as he is. He’s never wanted to keep something as badly as this. He’s asking too much of them, he’s imposing like he did with his classmates in RMD, he should let them leave. It’s the mature thing to do. He spent so long on his own, he should be fine going back to that, isn’t it selfish and greedy to want more?

(Curtain call)

(Talking abt wanting to keep doing shows w wxs and his actions in OHE) Rui: Now that I think about it, I’ve been pretty selfish.

(World link)

Rui: (…When the time comes, even I, too, will have to move forward.)

Rui: (…Moving forward, can I do that?)

Rui: (…Geez, I really lack a backbone. When will the time come when I find myself satisfied with the way things are?)

(…)

Rui: (While working to make my dream come true, together with everyone, I will make their dreams come true. A way to do that - let me think of one.)

Rui: (fufu, how greedy of me.)

(Curtain call - TL by Arven Oven & Tsukasa’s #3 Fan) (fuck you ensekai)

I think that, in future events, he’ll (hopefully) come to realize there are more people who will accept him (& get more trust ranks. Please.). I think it’s an impossible ask for him to be completely fine with wxs going their separate ways some day (and the same goes for everyone else in wxs), but I think when the time comes it will at least be bittersweet and with the knowledge that he can find other places to belong & that his relationships with the rest of wxs is strong enough to withstand not being in the same troupe. Things can’t stay the same forever, but change doesn’t have to be bad. Etc etc.

[acacia-may]

If I Were To Pluck On Your Heartstrings [AmaNene Week 2023]

Story Summary: When a tour of the Land of the Dead goes wrong, King Hanako of the Underworld finds himself eternally bonded and married to Nene, a lesser deity of horticulture who mistakenly ate the food of the dead, pomegranates said to make all of your dreams come true. Hanako has never paid much attention to that legend and sees no point in wishes and dreams, but as he and Nene grow closer he begins to wonder if maybe...just maybe...there might be some truth to it after all.

Fandom: Toilet-Bound Hanako-Kun/Jibaku Shounen Hanako Kun

Genre: Romance, Arranged Marriage, Mythology AU inspired by Hades and Persephone

Relationships: Hanako (Yugi Amane) and Yashiro Nene

Characters: Hanako (Yugi Amane) (POV Character) and Yashiro Nene

Rating: G

Warnings: Some very slight hurt/comfort, arranged marriage, and some mentions death, the underworld, and the end of the world.

Word Count: 4434

Link to original post on AO3. Please do not repost to another site.

A/N: Written for AmaNene Week 2023. Illustration (linked here and seen as part of the cover art) by co-creator @nothing-to-see-here-bye-yall.

Story Below the Cut! Thank you so much for reading! 💕

6 Months Ago…

“We have a problem.”

Hanako sighed and rubbed his temples. “What is it now, Tsuchigomori?” Being king of the Underworld there always seemed to something going wrong. Most recently it had been King Minamoto cutting their funding. Hanako huffed. The other deities didn’t think his work was important—or maybe some of them wanted a whole slew of hauntings or a zombie apocalypse as a way to cure their boredom. Hanako couldn’t be sure, but he got the feeling that it might be personal. After all, he wasn’t particularly well liked by the other gods and goddesses and King Minamoto himself most of all. Rather than start an all-out feud, Tsuchigomori had suggested they open up tours of the Underworld to all the other deities to show them the important work they did there and maybe they would petition King Minamoto for proper funding on their behalf—or at the very least their entrance fees could help to offset some of the funding deficit. Hanako already regretted it and had a feeling he would regret it even more as soon as Tsuchigomori explained what exactly the trouble was.

“It seems someone has eaten one of our pomegranates.”

Hanako blinked at him. “What?”

“A girl—a lesser deity of some sort—she has eaten one of our pomegranates. Apparently she was stopped before she ate the whole thing so she isn’t completely ‘dead’ per se, but…”

“But?” Hanako interrupted with a huff.

Tsuchigomori adjusted his glasses. “But she’s still going to be stuck down here, I’m afraid.”

Hanako sighed. He knew this but had still been hoping for a different outcome. “Where in the world was the tour guide?”

Tsuchigomori shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sure he was somewhere…”

Natsuhiko was good for very little if anything. Hanako should’ve known better than to put him in charge of giving tours, but he figured even that moron couldn’t manage to mess up something so simple as showing people around. Clearly he had been wrong.

“Fire him and get someone else.” Hanako shook his head. “And bring the girl in here, I guess.”

Tsuchigomori nodded solemnly before excusing himself, and within minutes, he returned accompanied by a confused girl with long hair.

“Oh wow!” she exclaimed with wide eyes. “This really is some tour if I get to meet the king of the Underworld.” She bowed quickly but respectfully. “Hello Your Highness. I’m Nene.”

Hanako’s jaw fell slack and he blinked at her dumbfounded. His brow furrowed. “Do you have any idea why you’re here?”

“Well…my friend Aoi heard that you were giving tours of the Underworld and thought it might be fun and…”

“No,” Hanako interrupted and corrected. “Why you’re being brought here to see me…”

Nene tilted her head. “Is this not part of the tour?”

“No, it’s not part of the tour.” Hanako huffed. “You’ve eaten some of our pomegranates.”

Nene shuffled her feet as a faint tint of pink flushed in her cheeks. “Well…only half of one,” she insisted pulling the other half out of her pocket.

“These are Underworld pomegranates—if you eat them you will die and be stuck down here forever. Didn’t the tour guide tell you that?”

Nene hummed thoughtfully. “Maybe…I don’t know, but he did tell us that they’re magical pomegranates and the people who eat them have their dream come true and my dream is to find true love.”

Hanako pressed his hand to his forehead with a weary, disbelieving shake of his head. Not only did this girl have no impulse control but she was also completely stupid.

“Remind me to fire Natsuhiko,” he muttered under his breath to Tsuchigomori before he turned back to Nene. “Good luck with that seeing as you’re going to be stuck in the Underworld now.”

“But I’m a deity—only a small one of horticulture, but I still can’t die.”

“You can if you eat the food of the Underworld. I don’t—” He stopped abruptly as he watched the tears well up in Nene’s eyes.

“But…but I can’t die. I haven’t even been kissed yet. Can you imagine anything worse than dying before you’ve been kissed?”

“Yes,” huffed Hanako, but Nene just cried harder.

“Please, please King Hanako, do something!”

“There’s nothing I can do,” he insisted.

“But you’re the king of the Underworld. Surely there’s something…” As Nene’s voice trailed, she stared up at him with wide, pleading eyes, and Hanako’s cheeks grew warm. He bristled but conceded with a sigh.

“Alright…There might be something. Give me the other half of the pomegranate.”

Sniffling, Nene did as she was told and handed him the pomegranate half. She audibly gasped when he ate the other half himself. Even the usually emotionless Tsuchigomori’s eyebrow twitched.

“Sire…” he muttered through his teeth, but Hanako ignored him.

“There. Now you’re only half-affected.”

Nene’s brow furrowed, and she tilted her head at him in misty-eyed confusion. “I don’t understand…”

“You only ate half the pomegranate, and I ate the other half so you’ll only have to spend half of the year here with me.”

Nene wiped her eyes, but she blinked at him in disbelief. “Really?” she choked.

Hanako nodded. “Yes, in six months from now you’ll get to go back to the surface.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much, Your Highness!” she exclaimed as a smile spread between her cheeks. Hanako’s face flushed again, but he frowned as he heard Tsuchigomori clear his throat pointedly.

“Oh right…” he added somewhat dismissively. “There’s something else. You’re…uh…kind of Queen of the Underworld now.”

Nene stopped abruptly and her eyes widened. “What?”

“Yeah, when the pomegranates are shared between two people they’re kind of eternally bonded together or whatever.” Hanako waved his hand dismissively and shrugged it off. “But don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. I don’t really want a queen, but I could use some help around here given that our funding has been cut so if you just help me out with some housekeeping things we can call it even, okay? Deal?”

Hanako held out his hands to her, and Nene blinked at him before she took his hands. Hanako smiled, and Nene swallowed hard but nodded in agreement albeit a bit unsurely. “Deal.”

5 Months Ago…

Surprisingly enough, the citizens of the Underworld took to their new queen immediately. Within weeks she had hoards of Mokke following her around like little ducks, and the mermaids in the river of the dead had composed several, somewhat haunting ballads about her. Even Yako who usually didn’t take to new people warmed up to her after a month had passed and had lots of fun dressing her up in lavish gowns and extravagant hair styles. Hanako supposed Nene just had that effect on people—she was bright, bubbly, and cheerful like a little ray of sunshine in their otherwise dark and depressing land of the dead.

She was also a hard-worker and had been a great help in cleaning things up and keeping things running on the shoestring budget King Minamoto had recently given them, and, Hanako supposed, Tsuchigomori was right that her efforts deserved to be rewarded so he called her into the throne room for an audience.

“You called for me, Your Highness?” asked Nene with a polite bow.

“You can call me Hanako if you’d like. You are the queen after all.”

Nene nodded. “Right, yes. Did you need something, Hanako?”

“Tsuchigomori has recently sent me the report from the last couple of months and it seems things are running much more efficiently, and everyone is much happier with you here.”

Nene smiled with pink cheeks. “Really?”

Hanako cleared his throat. “Well maybe not everyone. King Minamoto—”

“King Minamoto is worried about me?” gasped Nene with a bright beaming smile, and Hanako rolled his eyes.

“No, but his brother is. He has been writing me asking me to let you return to the surface with the other deities even though I’ve explained that I can’t do that for another four months.”

“I didn’t know King Minamoto had a brother…” she tilted her head in confusion.

“Well, he does apparently, and he’s worried about you. You should look him up when you get out of here.”

“I guess...” Nene sighed with a shrug of her shoulders. “Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Not exactly. I…” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to make sure you were comfortable and happy here…or at least as happy as you could be.”

Nene’s smile brightened. “Oh that’s so nice! It’s nice here and everyone is really friendly, but I do miss my garden.”

“Your garden?”

Nodding, Nene hummed thoughtfully. “I’m the goddess of horticulture, remember? Up on the surface I had a beautiful garden full of plants and flowers even some berries and vegetables too, but it’s always so dark here, I can’t get anything to grow—well…besides your pomegranate orchard, which is great, of course, just…”—she sighed—”I miss my flowers and vegetables too.”  

“I see…” sighed Hanako. “Well…I’m not sure there is much I can do about that. It’s the Underworld so it’s supposed to be dark here.”

Nene’s face fell, but she nodded. “I understand.”

“I guess I could write to King Minamoto and ask if we could put in a skylight or something.” Hanako shook his head slightly. “But I’ve asked him before, and he said no so…”

“You asked before?” she interrupted with a curious tilt of her head. “Did you want a garden?”

“No,” Hanako replied with a shrug of his shoulders, regretting having said too much already. “It’s honestly kind of stupid, but when I was first put in charge of things around here, I really wanted to see the moon. No funny business or anything, just wanted to put in a skylight so I could see it every now and again or at least could see the moonlight.”

Nene frowned. “You’re not one of those men obsessed with the moon goddess are you? Sure, she’s very pretty, but she’s kind of overrated. And I’ve heard she hates men so…”

Hanako laughed and playfully rolled his eyes. Natsuhiko was one such man, and he was particularly annoying about it—though, Hanako supposed, he was particularly annoying about most things. “No. It has nothing to do with her. It just gets so dark down here, and I figured I’ve been down here so long that my eyes wouldn’t adjust to the sunlight but maybe moonlight…” His voice trailed. “Never mind.”  

“Well maybe if I write to King Minamoto’s brother, he could help us get a skylight and then I could get my garden and you could see the moon.”

Hanako shrugged. “Sure. Knock yourself out, but King Minamoto hates me so I doubt even his brother will be able to persuade him to do me a favor.”  

4 Months Ago…

Hanako had quickly been proven wrong. After Nene had written to King Minamoto’s brother, Prince Kou, about their dilemma and wish for a skylight, he had personally petitioned the king to get one installed. Within weeks, they had a small skylight overlooking a clearing near the River of the Dead, and Nene immediately set to work planting all manner of flowers and vegetables in her garden which seemed to spring to life almost overnight. Though Hanako would never admit it, it warmed his heart to see her so happy. Her face practically beamed any time she mentioned it, and she thanked him profusely for letting her have her own part of the Underworld to grow things in. She spent hours in that garden, and one evening when Hanako was fast asleep she burst into his room shaking him awake with an excited, “Hanako! Hanako! Wake up!”

Hanako rubbed his eyes sleepily, mumbling something vaguely incoherent about leaving him alone to rest, but Nene continued shaking his shoulders. “Wake up! You need to come see this!”

“Alright. Alright,” he finally conceded with a yawn as he grabbed his robe and followed her out into her garden.

She practically bounced as she led him directly under the skylight with a triumphant, “Look!”   

Hanako rubbed his eyes. Maybe he was just exhausted but he didn’t have the slightest idea what he was supposed to be looking at.

“You can see the moon!” she explained, and Hanako’s eyes widened as he gazed up through the skylight to the moon outside. It was bright and shimmery surrounded by a sky full of stars as moonlight shone through the skylight’s glass. Hanako stopped in his tracks, and his eyes began to feel misty. He turned to Nene whose entire face was beaming and bright with the biggest smile he had ever seen.

“Isn’t it beautiful, Hanako?” she asked with a bubbly excitement, and he mumbled almost in spite of himself.

“Yes, beautiful…” Though he wasn’t looking at the moon.

3 Months Ago…

It quickly became a sort of tradition for them on nights when the moon was out, they would work side by side for hours in her garden talking and laughing about the most random, everyday things. Though they spent time together throughout the day, it was mostly business, related to running their Underworld Kingdom. They frequently shared dinner together, but they never talked with each other as freely and openly as they did in Nene’s garden. It was only there that he truly learned about her—her hopes, her dreams, her many failed attempts to find love and her firmly held belief that her soulmate was still waiting out there for her.

“What are your dreams, Hanako?” she asked one evening after talking about her own.

“What do you mean?” Hanako replied with a tilt of his head.

“You know besides seeing the moon… Do you have other dreams? Other things you’d like to do?”

Hanako shrugged. “Not really. As an immortal being, things get kind of old—especially when you’ve been stuck in the Underworld for as long as I have. It’s hard to believe there’s new and exciting things out there, you know?”

“I’m kind of new and exciting though, right?”

Hanako blinked at her, but his mouth curved into a playful lopsided grin. “Annoying is more like it.”

Nene pouted teasingly, and Hanako laughed at her playful huffiness. “Oh come on. Surely you have something you want or something you want to do.”

“Nope,” Hanako quipped with a cheeky smile, but it was a lie. He had a wish—a wish for more days with Nene just like this one, but he didn’t see the point in wishing for things that would never come true.

2 Months Ago…

As much as Hanako hated to admit it, slowly, but surely she wore him down with her complaints that he knew everything about her, but she knew next to nothing about him. Hanako insisted, somewhat cheekily, that that was only because she didn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and talked constantly, but he still found himself slowly opening up to her. The words seemed to tumble out of his mouth before he could stop them and despite his best attempts to stay guarded, it wasn’t long before Nene knew things about him that he had never told anyone: his regrets, his fears, those burdens that he denied even to himself.

“I didn’t know you had a brother…” she had said when he had finally told her about Tsukasa and his life before he had become King Hanako of the Underworld when he had just been Amane, a run-of-the-mill lesser deity who loved his family and wanted to visit the palace of the moon.

“Not many people do, I think,” he sighed. “He got mixed up in something really dark—tried to end the mortals’ world…King Minamoto has him locked up somewhere, and I”—his voice hitched—“I helped put him there.”

Nene’s eyes widened, and Hanako turned away from her abruptly. “It needed to be done, of course, but I…I still…” He swallowed hard but muttered, “Never mind.” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “I could tell King Minamoto didn’t trust me either, but he made me king of the Underworld after that and I haven’t been up to the surface since, which is just as well, I guess. I—”

He stopped abruptly as Nene wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“Knock…knock that off…” he muttered as his face flushed red, and he tried to shake her off of him. “It’s not a big deal, and I’m fine. I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to feel sorry for me.”

“It’s not just pity,” Nene insisted with kind eyes. “You’re…my friend…and…”—she blushed red. “I care about you, Hanako.”

Hanako’s cheeks felt suddenly hot, and he frowned though he was sure his face was nearly as red as Nene’s. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had told him they cared about him, and Nene’s words were so earnest, so genuine, and so unexpected that he felt a pang in his chest. Before he could even think to stop himself, he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his chest—his fingers gently tangling in her long hair.

He heard her gasp in surprise, but she soon relaxed, almost melting into his arms and pulled him close to her as well—pressing her chin to his shoulder. The words he so desperately wanted to say got caught in his throat and all he could manage was “Thank you.” But he hoped she would know that his words meant so much more than just that. And for the first time in longer than he could remember he said, “And you can call me, Amane…if you want…”

1 Month Ago…

The King of the Underworld couldn’t describe the absolute rush he felt whenever Nene called him by name—by his real name: Amane. He knew he was probably kidding himself, but he couldn’t help but wonder if there was something in her eyes when she called him by name—if she truly saw him, not just as the fearsome ruler of the Land of the Dead, but as a real person, a real friend and, dare he even allow himself to hope, perhaps something more. But, of course, they never spoke of that. Never spoke of the fact they were technically king and queen, were technically eternally bonded to one another though their marriage was only in name and agreed to as a last resort. They never spoke of the fact that Nene didn’t belong here—among the dark, the death and decay. They never spoke of the day she would one day have to leave, and certainly never, ever spoke of the fact that the longer time went on, the more Amane didn’t want her to. But he could never ask her to stay. She belonged on the surface and in a month’s time, she would finally return there and—Amane thought with an ache in his chest—would likely forget all about him. Though he knew she would never want to come back to him once she had remembered how wonderful life was in the Land of the Living, he still couldn’t help but hope she would still remember him, perhaps even look back on some of the times they had shared together as fond memories.

“I have something for you,” he said with a lopsided smile even though he could feel his heart racing as he fumbled around with the box in his pocket. Nene looked up from the patch of garden she had been weeding with a curious tilt of her head, but she set down her trowel as Amane handed the little box to her. Nene’s eyes widened as he opened the lid of the box to see the beautiful ring of twisted golden vines and flowers with priceless gems in the center.

Nene gasped but smiled. “It’s beautiful.”

Amane’s cheeks grew warm, but he shrugged his shoulders. “It’s nothing really, just I wanted to get you something so…” He swallowed hard but tried his best to sound nonchalant. “So you won’t forget me.”

Nene took his hands, and as she met his eyes, Amane could have sworn his heart jumped into his throat. “I could never forget you. I’m really going to miss it here when I have to go away.”

Some of Nene’s entourage of Mokke began to whimper, and Amane’s own face flushed but he shrugged his shoulders. “It’s only for half the year. We’ll all still be here when you come back. But just you wait…you’ll be so happy up there on the surface that you’re not going to want to come back.”

Nene sighed and twisted her hands. “Maybe... but I don’t think so.” She smiled slightly at him. “I’m going to miss you, Amane, and all the Mokke and Yako and Tsuchigomori. I’ll probably even miss Natsuhiko.”

Amane snorted a laugh. “I seriously doubt that.”

Nene frowned, but her expression softened as she fidgeted. “Do you…do you think you’ll miss me?”

Amane’s face flushed, but he bristled and shrugged. “Well…I think it’ll be harder to run things around here without you.”

“Oh…” she said quietly as her face fell.

Sighing, Amane reached out and took her hand. “But yes, I…I’ll miss you…”

“Amane, I—” Her voice hitched, and she stopped abruptly. “I…never mind…” She shook her head before returning to her garden and trying to wrestle her trowel back from the playfully thieving Mokke. Something ached in Amane’s chest. Some things were better left unsaid.

Today...

Nene’s six months in the Underworld seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye, and though Amane and his subjects planned a lavish goodbye banquet and festival for Nene to celebrate her last day with them, Nene and Amane spent their final evening together as they always did, tending her garden by the moonlight. He promised her multiple times that he would be sure to take care of her garden while she was away and reassured her that everything would be waiting for her just the way she had left it when she returned in six months’ time. Nene thanked him graciously, but there was something forced and bittersweet in her smile.

Amane quickly got the impression that she was stalling as she began overwatering and pushing dirt around, if only to look busy, but when he had teased her about it, she had simply met his eyes and asked if he would stay with her for just a little while longer. He couldn’t find it in his heart to say no.

As they lied down in the soft grass and stared up at the moonlight streaming in through the skylight in the ceiling, Nene had curled next to him. His heart raced as she nestled into his chest.

“What if I stayed?” she asked quietly at last. Amane’s heart jumped into his throat, but he sighed.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, Nene. You belong on the surface.”

“But…I don’t want to leave you here.”

“I’ll be fine,” he reassured her. “It’ll just be like it was before.” Only it wouldn’t be. He knew that better than anyone. “You have a whole world out there waiting for you.”

Nene shook her head. “This is my world now.”

“Then it’s a very small one.”

“Maybe…” she conceded with a sigh. “But it’s beautiful and it’s enough for me.”

Amane scoffed as he sat up and shook his head as he turned to face her. “What about your dreams, Nene? Didn’t you only eat that pomegranate in the first place because you wanted to find true love? Are you really going to give up on your dream that easily?”

There was a long, heavy pause before Nene whispered so quietly Amane almost couldn’t hear her. “But it already came true…”

As she smiled at him, his cheeks flushed red. “Don’t…” his voice hitched but he frowned. “Don’t be stupid…”

“I’m not stupid,” she insisted crossing her arms. “Amane…” His stomach backflipped at the look in her eyes when she said his name. She reached out a gentle hand to stroke the side of his cheek. “I love you. I don’t want to leave.”

“Nene…” he began to protest, but she interrupted him.

“Natsuhiko was right about that pomegranate. It really did make my dreams come true. I don’t need to go back to the surface to find true love. I already have it with you.” She smiled slightly, but her smile quickly faded as she fidgeted nervously and asked, “Do you…do you really not…love me?”

Amane swallowed hard. He wasn’t sure how to lie his way out of this one, and worst of all, he wasn’t sure he even wanted to. “Nene, I…” He stopped abruptly—growing suddenly aware of how close she was to him, of how he could feel her warm breath on his cheeks, of how he could count every freckle on her nose. With a sigh, he turned away from her. “I do…I do love you, but that’s why you have to go.”

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“Because you deserve more—deserve better than this.”

“Amane…this is what I want,” she insisted. “This life…you…all of it. This is my dream now. All of my wishes came true”—her cheeks flushed—“except one.”

Amane blushed but cleared his throat. “And what’s that?”

“To be kissed.”

“Well I…I think I…might be able to fix that…” His mouth twitched in the corners before he gently cupped her face in his hands, closed his eyes, leaned in and kissed her. As he pulled her close and tangled his hand in her hair, everything that came before and everything that may come after suddenly didn’t matter anymore. When they broke apart breathless and red-faced, Nene stared up at him with bright, pleading eyes. “Are you…are you still going to make me go?”

Amane pressed his palm to her cheek. “I don’t have a choice, Nene, but you’ll get to come back. Six months isn’t very long to spend apart, and you can write.” He pushed a piece of long hair out of her face. “I promise I’ll be here right where you left me.”

And half-a-year later, when she returned home—returned to him running straight into his arms with the biggest brightest smile on her face, he was.

[piracyisnoparty]

for the sekai ask thingy, what about 3?

okay okay i have a few

-stop making harukas ed a joke. its not funny. its NOT

-i wish nene had more NON WATER THEMED CARDS why does she have so many

-pleaaaase dont make more lim cards w/o hairs. i can understand world link. sanrio collab whatever. but it defeats the point of the limited cards if everything that adds smth outside of a costume becomes a lim

-idrm when ichika gets a focus in songs bc. well shes a Band Leader that makes sense. but can we get more l/n alt duets we have barely any

-on the topic of duets LET VBS DUET EACHOTHER MORE. I NEED MORE FUCKING AKIKOHA DUETS MELTDOWN MORE THAN PROVES THEY SOUND AMAZING TOGETHER

-ALSO on duets where the fuck is ruinene duets. sure they got a goodbye sengen alt but that was over a year ago and their first proper song together is their ONLY SONG W JUST THOSE TWO + VOCALOIDS. FREE THEM FROM JAIL.

-on alts im sorry. harushizu shouldn't have gotten kyu kurarin alts. those were MEANT for minoairi alts. colopale im in your house.

-this is more so a "please dont let this potential slip away" but w the pokemon x miku collab. Do a Proseka Pokemon collab ITD BE SO COOL

[aroace-poly-show]

this may seem irrelevant to most people but it’s weirdly important to me. it bothers me so much because it feels SO out of line with rui’s character and there’s no good reason for him to ever have been doing that??? he’s only ever wanted to put on shows together with people, and he’s been seen as a weirdo for his risky ideas even though he tried his best to always make sure no one would get hurt. but in WHAT WORLD does him waterboarding people align with that??? like ma’am waterboarding is a fucking TORTURE METHOD that can literally kill someone, why the FUCK would a high schooler who just wants to put on shows ever do that???? to anyone?????? it bothers me especially because i feel it feeds into that whole cannibal rui/rui is a psychopath mischaracterization i’ve seen online and at least to me??? it makes no sense for his character. rui’s just a silly high schooler who wants to put on shows and hates vegetables :(

anyway google failed me, it gave me a link to tiktok but that link was a link to rui slander that just mentioned him waterboarding people, so wish me luck guys i’m quite literally looking in pretty much every single older side story/event story/area conversation that features nene to figure out if that mythical dialogue of nene saying rui waterboards people even fucking exists

on my hands and knees asking for wherever nene says rui waterboards people bc i have seen people joke about it everywhere and i’ve seen it on the wiki BUT I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT UNTIL I SEE THE ACTUAL FUCKING AREA CONVERSATION OR WHEREVER IT SUPPOSEDLY IS

[mokkemusic]

Ch 38 Summer Lights Amane’s Wish Theory (Keep in mind this is just assuming the wishing slip thing actually was real)

After finishing the Summer Lights Arc in the manga me and @thehopeelias​ had this theory of 

“What if the reason he ended up as Hanko was cause his wish can only come true if he dies! We know that’s not the determining factor but here me out maybe if Nene didn’t give little Amane (when she went back in time to the festival of 1964) all of her wishing slips his wish would have never worked and then he could’ve been that science teacher with Tsuchigomori! Think about it, if it weren't for Nene, Amane’s bookstack’s book would probably have happened no problem. But if the wishes have to come true, and he wished to see Nene again, the only way for that to happen is if he dies and becomes Hanako.”

Then I said 

“And maybe that’s why she’s dying too! Think about it, Hanako said in the Clock Keepers Arc her death was destined the moment she was born. Maybe it’s cause she didn’t exist when she went back in time to the 60′s. Little Amane met someone that day who's birth was way far in the future. The only way he could ever see her again was if he became a spirit still somehow connected to the world and she was close to the far shore to summon his spirit. (Not to mention the reason they went both went and met again at Kamome Gakuen)

Like really if you think about this. It makes sense! Keep in mind though we are not theorists and we have only gotten up to the Summer Lights Arc we haven’t even read the Picture Perfect Arc yet. So we don’t know any future information AND PLEASE NO SPOILERS but this really ties more into the idea their fates were destined (or in Amane's case destined to be changed) before Nene even made that pact with Hanako to be his assistant. They have always been linked together and connected throughout this life and the next and throughout the flow of time. They were always meant to find each other again. No matter how tragic “the way they do find each other again” is. 

I’m still not completely sure what rules apply in this universe of Jibaku Shounen Hanako Kun but to a certain extent this at least makes some sense I feel. 

[ladyloveandjustice]

Winter 2020 Anime: My personal ranking

Here’s my personal ranking of the six anime I watched in winter 2020, in a vague order of least favorite to favorite, with links to the full reviews (which are very short for some of them).

Magia Record:

This Puella Magi Madoka Magica side story and mobile-game-spin-off-adaptation had some nice aesthetic moments and kept me watching out of curiosity for a while, but ultimately I found the pacing way too slow and the whole thing way too overstuffed with paper thin characters (and unnecessary cameos). The entire episode that was essentially a powerpoint presentation didn’t help. OG Meguca this definitely isn’t, I won’t be returning for season 2. (though if they have more transformation sequences I may be returning for youtube compilations of those. those were good why did we only get 4???). 

Quick review here.

My Hero Academia Season 4 (Ep 13-25)

My Hero Academia continues! I enjoyed seeing the kids who’d been out of the spotlight get to shine and interact dorkily this school festival arc, but honestly wish there’d been a lot more focus on them and giving them actual stories. Feel some trepidation about the direction the final episode is going, but manga readers say it’s at least a little more nuanced than it looks. Overall, season 4 had good moments but the high points didn’t quite reach the heights of seasons 2 and 3 for me. 

Some more vague thoughts here. (I didn’t really “review” this tbh).

Somali and the Forest Spirit

A story about a golem and the girl he adopts, set in a world where monsters run society and humans have nearly died out. This show’s wistful dark fairy tale atmosphere and tone was executed quite well, and is largely what carried it- especially the gorgeous aesthetics and lovely monster-people designs. The narrative itself had interesting moments, but was also kinda slow and predictable in a lot of places. The father-daughter relationship between Somali and Golem was quite sweet, but could have used a bit more substance. Overall, a solid watch, but likely to be forgotten beyond the surface elements.

Quick review here.

Chihayafuru 3 (Episodes 13-24)

Kids playing Japanese poetry based card games and having a lot of feelings continues! This part of the season had the misfortune of focusing on a character’s downward spiral that I found...kinda tedious to watch a lot of the time, especially since the main character was so passive in it, and I wish the stuff with the adult players (while still good!) had ended less predictably. But I liked a lot of the character moments and backstory reveals we got and the show remains solid and quality. Even if this ending didn’t hook me as much to its previous seasons, I’m still very interested in seeing how everything continues. 

Quick review here.

Objective Best in Season: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

A visual feast of wonderful animation that features characters with bold, distinctive designs and equally bold, distinctive and lovable personalities, Keep Your Hands off Eizouken is both an anime about awesome girls on a journey of creative triumph, and a strong example of creative triumph itself. A great show I whole-heartedly recommend, it’s sure to be remembered for years to come.

Full review here.

Personal Favorite: Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun (Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun)

Don’t let the bad English title fool you, this show isn’t gross, but is a lovely ghost story full of heart, humor and intrigue. It follows a girl named Nene as she befriends a ghost boy in her school and discovers a whole supernatural world. While it does have serious pacing issues (especially when you compare the manga) and some Bad Jokes That Don’t Land, making it objectively inferior to Eizouken!, I can’t deny this anime is what made my heart sing the most this season with its perfect combo of compelling ghost drama, atmospheric mythological adventures and super fun character dynamics. This is Exactly My Stuff and I’d like it injected directly into my veins.

Full review here.

[elizabeatrice]

Feeling Blue, Seeing Red (Chapter 69)

Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga #5

Updated: 19/8/2020 (more thoughts)

Bea is back with the lame punny titles~

Warning: !!! MANGA SPOILERS UP TO CHAPTER 69 !!! Duh.

Soooo I opened the raws this morning. Saw the spicy and went 'ohh shoot'. Then some of y'all say that some folks are hating Akane bc of this chap. I proceeded to panic, because fandom war is scary af. So I translated the chap for myself. And I just gotta say:

Aoi, Nene, your boyfriends are idiots. Y'all gonna be punching and headbutting the idiocy out of them for the rest of your lives and I'll be willing to pay for your karate classes.

The teen drama made me laugh so hard ahahahaha I guess this is what you get for hoping sensei will drop a bomb this month lmaoooo.

P.S. Teru you little shit

Man I don’t even know where to begin. This chapter is oozing doraaaaama and I can’t take it seriously no matter how much I try. I remember thinking, “Shoot, this is the ‘I hate you, I hate you too, proceed to make out’ trope in JSHK’s classic ‘oooh serious moment, eh? PSYCHE!’ style,” before bursting into laughter.

I swear I’m not making fun of it.

Because it’s already fun to begin with. Ahahahaha.

I do however, take seriously the long-awaited insight into Aoi’s mind. I hollered in joy, y’all. ‘Cause like ... finally!

(Also like ... ngl the development of Aoi and akaoi in this arc might come into play in my Shrek AU. Pls don’t ask. Yet. That’s not the official AU name I swear I just wanna confuse my readers ahahaha)

Back when chapter 64 came out I wrote something that was supposed to be the first of the Let’s Talk About JSHK Manga series but I ended up not posting it because I wasn’t sure about a bunch of things. Here’s an excerpt from that post, titled ‘Aoi and Her Blues’:

I mean, what did the minions do to her? ‘Remove unnecessary things’. Someone said they removed her inhibitions (I’m terribly sorry I forgot who said this because it’s been so long so I can’t put the link here, but if you know, feel free to send me the link).

But she has to be brainwashed, right?

She remembered enough about Nene. Enough to call her out on her feelings (that she still denies btw lol) and recognize Hanako from Nene’s wonderful description (or because Aoi could see him all this time and never said anything, who knows?).

Most importantly, she remembered Akane.

So apparently they weren’t unnecessary enough to be erased from her memory. Which I’d beg to differ if I were going to make this girl willingly sacrifice herself.

Would she let her best friend fall down into a pit full of giant insects, or let her childhood friend get impaled? I mean this is the same girl that cried when Akane and Yamabuki got together (by accident) and when Nene started talking to herself like a madwoman.

So yeah. Definitely brainwashed. Pretty sure now.

The one thing that bugged me is what she said though.

“I’ve always wanted to go somewhere far away.”

“Nothing will stop me from getting my wish.”

Btw these aren’t accurate word for word I’m just drawing from memory.

Is that a wish forced upon her by the brainwashing, or has Aoi been depressed all this time and ... y’know, therefore thought about ‘going far away’? I’m personally leaning more towards the first, but it still got me thinking.

Remember back in The Clock Keeper arc when she said there was something she wanted to tell Nene?

Can some creepy hands showing up in the gardening club’s album photos really warrant that kind of expression? Is it just me who got disappointed when the thing she wanted to tell Nene ended up being just that?

But if she did have such thoughts, why?

Maybe she was lonely? I mean Nene got so busy with supernatural shenanigans. Akane’s busy with student council stuff (and school wonder stuff). Though I don’t doubt for a second that he’d drop everything for Aoi, but Aoi’s not the kind of person to do that. And to be honest, I feel like so far Aoi hasn’t been shown having genuine interaction with anyone aside from Nene and Yamabuki without the other person being completely enamored by her. And even with Yamabuki that was just in that After School chapter.

So I guess my hunch wasn’t that far off. Still though. Still though. Is she or is she not brainwashed? Because as much as Aoi likes-but hates-but actually kinda likes Akane, I still don’t think she’s the type of person to stab her childhood friend until he’s got a hole through his fucking torso.

Throwing Nene into the bug pit I guess makes more sense if Aoi knew all along that the pit won’t lead anywhere too dangerous, and that Hanako wouldn’t leave Nene’s side. Nene’s perfectly safe with him. Sorta. She did get kidnapped and were about to be sacrificed after all. But heeey Hanako still showed up to save her in the end.

Stabbing Akane like that tho? Even if she knows he wouldn’t die in a boundary especially in his school wonder form? It just doesn’t feel like Aoi, man.

Then again she did say no one really knows her, and that anyone who does would end up being disappointed in her.

I’m really happy to know that she does not, in fact, appreciate all the attention given to her. Comedy framing aside, constantly having some random guy approach you to ask you out presumably every day is ... annoying at best. Kid deserves better.

So ya girl got some extreme trust issues. Strangers, even Akane and Nene, I could understand. But her dad tho? Is something going on in the Akane household? Bruh ....

How long has Aoi not been able to trust anyone enough to let them get close to her? Because if she’s been feeling like that about Nene all this time, Imma be super sad bruh. Nene is one of the most genuine kids ever (perhaps only second to Kou).

I understand that Aoi’s disappointed because Nene’s been keeping secrets, but honestly, who would believe you if you come up to them and say, “Hey so I summoned a toilet ghost and now I’m stuck as his assistant. The rumors about supernaturals are like, totally real, and can endanger everyone in this school for real, too. Also I turn into fish when I come in contact with water.”

Sensible best friends would either a) not believe you, or b) try to get you as far away from supernatural shit as possible ‘cause hello? Ya ain’t Miles Morales ya can’t just blast What’s Up Danger when monster of the week shows up.

Even if Aoi does let it continue, wouldn’t she wanna get involved? Would Nene let her get involved when Tsukasa’s still around? Ya girl got cursed, thrown off the top of a boundary, sent to literally nowhere and everywhere, almost got her body stolen by mirror monsters, kidnapped and taken into a fake world, and now trapped in literal Grim Reaper’s realm. Honestly, who would involve their best friend in this sort of shit?

It just makes me sad to think that all this time Akane and Nene have genuinely cared about her but she didn’t think they were. Aoi, my girl Nene literally threaded hell boundaries and high shallow water to save you!!!

Unrequited platonic love hurts just as much as romantic ones, y’all ....

Speaking of romantic love.

Hey, uh, Akane. For claiming to despise Hanako and calling him a slimy pervert, y’all kinda act the same way with your respective girlfriends when things get a bit heated up, huh? Even the teasing part.

Boy, you’re dumb af. You deserve that.

There it is y’all, it’s official. We got punches for akaoi and headbutts for hananene.

You deserve this too. But Teru’s face here is really annoying, I’ll give you that. Teru you little shit.

At least you’re finally gonna be useful. Let’s just see.

Hmm I guess I have to address the thing now.

Ahem. The thing. The pushing (pulling?) Aoi down, grabbing her neck thing.

Yeah I don’t get it either. Whether it was a creative choice taken in consideration to the actual character’s state or to just pander to the trope that seems to be marketable in Japan or both, I don’t really know.

I do however, have to remind you that none of these kids are in their right mind. One is possibly still recovering from the effects of brainwashing and dealing with not only extreme trust issues and insecurities, but also the sight of a gaping hole on her childhood friend and perhaps crush’s torso, not to mention having to deal with this in the middle of nowhere. The other one is the said person with a gaping hole on his torso, who almost lost his life-long crush, and even got stabbed by her in the first place.

They’re lost. They’re tired. They’re emotional. They’re frustrated. They’re two hormonal teens.

I think Akane thought Aoi wouldn’t listen to him unless he makes her. Which is why he went with exposing her by saying he hated her. Which is still a dumb move in my opinion. But Aoi rightfully got back at him. And honestly I didn’t think he really hurt her. I mean, it’s Akane after all. *shrugs*

The way I see it, the entire thing was a result from not only their current condition but also the uh ... not telling each other how they really feel all this time. Aoi with her issues, Akane with his secrets. They’re a ticking bomb. It’s horrible that they ended up hurting each other because of this (physically and emotionally), but I could see why it went like this. These two are flawed. Most importantly, they’re teenagers. They’re bound to fuck up in this equation.

Heck, I’ve fucked up worse in less endangering situations before.

But heeey once things get cleared between them they fall right back to each other. Sure things aren’t entirely resolved. But they’re gonna be okay. Teru’s there. Should be fine. Probably.

The thing is we as the audience who come into the story with a clear head can easily figure out the best, most sensible way to deal with the characters’ problems. But these problems affect the characters in (physical, physiological, psychological, emotional) ways most of us can’t immediately empathize with, which can make their bad decisions frustrating for us to see. We know it’s wrong. And when these characters have calmed down and healed, they’ll know that it’s wrong, too. If they’re not dicks, that is.

You know how it feels when you’re fighting with someone, and you know the best thing to do is to talk it out, but you just can’t bring yourself to? It makes things worse, right? And you’re frustrated, right? Unfortunately that’s just how humans are.

Even I let my emotions get the best of me when I judged the villagers’ actions back in chapter 68 hahaha (but I still think they’re awful).

It’s just my opinion tho.

And whooo everyone is officially here but Yamabuki (and Sakura and Tsukasa, but they’re bound to show up)! Catch up soon, my citrus child.

Lastly, I have the moral obligation to remind you that if akaoi’s confrontation ended up like this, imagine how hananene’s would be.

I’ll leave you to your deductions.

As always, feel free to discuss. Just ... don’t fight, onegaishimasu.

[suzu-kun22]

Wishes

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116734

Prompt: Tearful Smile Fandom: Toilet Bound Hanako-kun Pairings: Hanakounene (Hanako/Kou/Nene), Mitsukou Warnings: Extremely brief allusions to abuse, canonical character death Summary: Hanako-kun knows that ghosts shouldn’t wish for things. But he wishes, nonetheless.

@badthingshappenbingo​

If there are any specific prompts you’d like me to write and any specific scenarios/fandoms/pairings you’d like me to write for, just send in an ask!

Story below the cut!

Ghosts can’t wish for much. 

Well, it isn’t that ghosts can’t wish for much. In fact, he knows many ghosts that have wished for far more than ‘not much.’ Ghosts who spend their time floating through the land of the living searching for a purpose. For something that they left behind. Something that they’re so desperate to regain that they’re willing to spend eternity torturing themselves following around the humans who can’t even perceive them. He thinks it pathetic. How can you exist like that? In a limbo between what you were and what you will be. Trapped in memories that you can never return to, but refusing to move into the next stage.

He thinks it so very pathetic, but also so very sad.

“Don’t be too kind to the dead, boy.” He says, knife clenched in quivering hands. The Minamoto boy – an exorcist, no less. How ridiculous of him, to find himself so close to an exorcist – stares up at him with wide eyes. Confused. Tearful. Upset. He’s clinging to the remains of that spirit that he had dragged into the bathroom earlier. The spirit that now lies mangled. Twisted. Ruined. He knows there’s no future. There’s no hope. There’s no way to fix it. No matter how much the Minamoto boy cries and begs and pleads, there’s nothing to be done. 

Spirits don’t belong here, after all. Once one moves along, there’s no way to bring one back. Nor is there a reason to.

The knife comes down. Down on the seemingly sleeping face of that spirit – Mitsuba, the Minamoto boy keeps calling him – that is so mangled. He disappears like a gust of wind. Gone just as he appeared. 

The Minamoto boy clutches at air for a moment longer. He hates to admit, even to himself, that the tears hovering on the edges of those blue eyes send… something, panging through his chest. Something distinct. Something familiar. Something… painful.

He doesn’t like this feeling.

The Minamoto boy takes the vanished spirit’s camera in his hands, and holds it like it’s the most precious thing in the world. He holds it like it might crumble to dust.

The feeling that comes with that is one that he doesn’t recognize, and one that he isn’t sure he wants to. It doesn’t take him long to realize what the feeling is. It doesn’t take him long to pull up images of her face, alongside the Minamoto boy. Nene Yashiro and Kou Minamoto. His lips twist into a pained imitation of a smile. Tears still hang off the corners of his eyes. He can’t shake it. The feeling of his fingers, touching his skin. The feeling of his breath, mere inches from his ear. The sound of his voice, cutting him off from every other noise. His fingers tremble, even as his hands fall to his side and his grip on that damned knife weakens just enough to keep it from dropping to the ground.

Their smiles fade from his mind. Kou Minamoto and Nene Yashiro fade away, and all that’s left is a shaky smile and disjointed memories of him.

“We have no future.” He whispers, voice trembling with what might have been emotion, once upon a time. Tears still hang in his eyes, even as he draws his lips up into a smile. “Don’t try to give us hope.”

He knows that ghosts shouldn’t wish for much. The most they should desire is a bit longer to watch over those they love. Perhaps some time to say goodbye to the things they’ll miss. Maybe even a bit of unfinished business. Ghosts should not aspire. Ghosts should not want. Ghosts should not hope. Ghosts have no future. There’s nothing to strive for. Nothing to look forward to. Ghosts will forever be stuck in a past they can never escape.

The Minamoto boy’s tears don’t stop.

He wonders why it hurts so much.

Ghosts shouldn’t wish for things.

It’s a rule that Hanako-san of the Girl’s Bathroom set. Of course, it isn’t a rule that he can enforce. There’s no reason to enforce such a thing. If the other ghosts of the school want to wish for things that they can never acquire, it isn’t any of his business. All he can do is sit back and watch as those wishes turn to disaster. As apparitions are twisted and distorted by baseless rumors, he knows that he can’t do anything to stop it. 

Ghosts shouldn’t wish for much, but the only ghost that Hanako-kun of the Girl’s Bathroom can stop from wishing for more than they should is himself.

Apparently, he can’t even do that.

It’s the sight of their smiles. Kou Minamoto and Nene Yashiro. The way they looked at him, when they asked for his embarrassing secret. The way they held his hands and told him they wanted to know more about him. The way they told him he was cute, when he said that his favorite food is donuts. If he were alive, if he were a human with a life and feelings and a future, he thinks his heart would have been pounding out of his chest. Their eyes had sparkled in the way that only living people’s can, and he can’t describe the feeling he felt swelling through his body as jealousy. It wasn’t jealousy. He isn’t jealous. 

It was something else entirely. Something that swallows his every thought. Distracts him from his duties and sucks his time away. He thinks of their smiles. He thinks of their sparkling eyes. He thinks of the donuts they made for him – those that he never even got to eat. If only he had never showed up again – and the way Nene Yashiro and Kou Minamoto seemed to cling to him once they knew just a bit more about him. 

When he thinks of those things, he breaks his own rule without even thinking of it.

He thinks of their smiles. He thinks of the feel of their hands in his. The sparkles in their eyes and the sound of their voices and the kindness of their words and wishes.

What does he wish for?

So much more than any ghost could ever hope to receive. 

He wishes for a body that can give them warmth. He wishes for a heartbeat that they can listen to. He wishes for a smile they can appreciate. He wishes for a laugh that can make them smile. He wishes for hands that can comfort them. He wishes for eyes that can sparkle. He wishes for a voice that can be kind. He wishes for words that can bring them happiness. 

He wishes for a life he can share with them.

He wishes he had been born 50 years later.

If only he had been born 50 years later.

Maybe, just maybe, if he had been born so much later, he could have all that he wishes for.

Only, if only, he had been born so much later, he could give them everything that he wishes to.

Ghosts shouldn’t wish for things. Ghosts shouldn’t long for anything beyond a quiet goodbye, a final few days, an unfinished task to complete before moving along. Ghosts don’t need kindness. Ghosts don’t need hope. Ghosts don’t have a future. What’s the point to kindness, hope, wishes, when there’s no future?

And yet, Hanako-kun of the girl’s bathroom wishes.

For a life.

For love.

For a future.

For their smiles.

For happiness.

He knows it’s hopeless.

But he wishes, nonetheless.

[magioftheseas]

Burdensome

Summary: Sometimes, Hanako gets annoyed that he's the only one of the group with secrets.

Rating: G

Warning: None, really. I guess implications to Hanako’s vague past?

Notes: I honestly wrote this just to see if I could come up with a simple enough idea that would then be made into a fairly short fic. I’m trying to get more productive in my writing, see, so sometimes I have to resort to methods like that. In fact, I was so fixated on the idea of completing this before the day was over (and I had like, two hours before it did) that I ended up missing the deadline for applying to a zine I wanted to apply to. Now THAT’S burdensome.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The world is filled with secrets. He’s known from the beginning that there are a lot of things that are kept from others. Crushes, concerns, dreams, ambitions, motivations—the deepest aspects of a person were often the most hidden.

He knows this well, and yet—

Those two are a bit different.

“Hanako-kun, what’s up?” Yashiro would ask, and the young exorcist would also glance his way. They both had such wide, honest and open gazes. “You’ve been staring for a while.”

“I was thinking,” Hanako says, waving his hand with his usual smile. “You two are way too easygoing.”

“Coming from a spirit!” Minamoto bit back as Yashiro similarly protested.

“I have plenty of worries not in the least thanks to you!”

“That’s not what I mean,” Hanako laughed. “You two are also pretty naïve, aren’t you?”

“And what is that supposed to mean, Hanako?!”

“Yeah, Hanako-kun! What do you mean?!”

What do you think?

Irritation nips at him. His smile twists the slightest bit.

Normal people have secrets. Normal people have baggage that they wouldn’t share with the world. I’ve observed the students here enough to know that hasn’t changed over the decades. You two, on the other hand...

Open books. Both of them. Even with their torn pages.

“Never mind,” Hanako chirps. “I was just thinking.”

“I bet you were,” Minamoto huffed as Yashiro pouted.

“I swear, Hanako-kun. It wouldn’t kill you to be more honest with us sometimes. You’re way too secretive.” She does pause, however. “O-Of course, I only expect you to tell us things when you’re ready.”

“Yeah, what senpai said.”

Even with the verbal agreement, there is a flicker of aggravation in the young exorcist’s eyes. An open book. Hanako already knows what he’s thinking about. It’s obvious. Too obvious. Minamoto Kou was a simple man of simple concerns, after all. He wanted to be respected, but he wanted to protect those around him. His family, friends, Yashiro—and the other Mitsuba.

Even now, Tsukasa lingers between them like blood in the water. They’re both just too afraid to bite because matters could escalate and that wouldn’t be ideal when Yashiro’s always a factor. That—and Minamoto was kind. He and Yashiro were both kind people. There was that, too.

Kindness was often granted as a privilege. It shouldn’t have been such an easy, accessible resource.

It’s cumbersome—how much the two humans that Hanako is closest to just don’t act like normal humans.

Yashiro was tugging at Minamoto’s sleeve, and she sways him into resuming their cleaning. With a sweet and disarming smile, the matter is settled and discarded. It might not ever get brought up again, because these two aren’t the types to hold grudges.

They’re kind. They’re just very, very kind.

How infuriating.

--

“Is there a reason why you’re giving those two attitude all of a sudden?” Tsuchigomori asks him. “You’ve got them complaining to me about you, Honorable Seventh. And y’know—I can’t exactly reprimand you as your teacher anymore.”

“And yet, you’re reprimanding me,” Hanako pointed out, tucked between the curtains. “I assume you do want me to stop.”

“It’s just troublesome behavior,” Tsuchigomori says with an impassive shrug. “Troublesome for them, for you, for me. Rather than just bottling it up, you should just vent.”

“It is annoying,” Yako chirped up in the midst of grooming her tail. “Those brats are going to keep on whining and it’ll soon be troublesome for everyone.”

“Don’t think we asked your opinion, dumb fox,” Tsuchigomori muttered, to which she hissed back.

“It’s hard to nap peacefully when everyone is as gloomy as you!”

“It’s because,” Hanako spoke up. Immediately, Tsuchigomori turns to face him, ever attentive. “I’m frustrated.”

“With what, exactly?” Yako asked, muffled against her tail. “Don’t tell me you’ve gotten bored of them.”

“Oh no, they’re still plenty fun to mess with.” Hanako waved his hand. “However—don’t you think it’s weird? Yashiro and that boy are both so simple. They don’t really have any deep dark secrets.”

“They don’t,” Tsuchigomori confirmed. “As transparent and blatant as they come. Do you feel awkward, then? Like you don’t fit in? You’re already an apparition, Honorable Seventh.”

Even as a human, I wouldn’t have fit in with them. Even acting as a human, I had to distance myself from them.

“Keeping secrets may be natural, but it is a burden you must undertake if decided.” Tsuchigomori inhales, sighing out smoke. “Even so, don’t act out so much.”

“They’re both still bratty garbage humans,” Yako murmured, ever unimpressed. “Tasteless and tactless.”

“I’m sure you’d make tasty udon,” Hanako cheerfully remarked.

Yako snorted, but curled up into an unassuming ball all the same.

“Honorable Seventh.”

That smile on Hanako’s face remained, even when stared down by Tsuchigomori’s stern, knitted glare.

“Do those humans make you feel inferior?”

Yako’s ear twitched, but she mercifully kept any further commentary to herself.

“Maybe a little,” Hanako admitted, laughing. “I get it. I’ll apologize. I’m sorry for the trouble, sensei.”

Tsuchigomori didn’t look remotely reassured or convinced.

Haven’t you prodded a little too much already? I could still squash you like a bug.

Aha. Those thoughts sound like something Tsukasa would say.

Hanako leaves without another word.

--

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Yashiro speaks the second he slinks in. She’s not looking his way but her hands are fisting into her skirt.

“It’s not like I don’t understand—sometimes people have a lot more going on. I get frustrated, too, when I see Aoi able to laugh off guys confessing to her. Aoi’s really carefree. Sometimes I envy her so much that I get upset.”

Hanako blinks, tugging at his collar awkwardly.

“Yashiro...”

“I know!” she exclaims. “So don’t—don’t treat me as if I’m shallow just because I might not have as much going on as you do! I’ll have you know I have plenty going on!” She turns on him, fierce despite her tears. “I-I actually really want to have a bunch of rodents! And I want to have a huge garden! A-And not only to I want to marry a handsome boy—I also think I want kids! A-A boy and a girl! It’s too early but—who knows! Having beautiful children might be really, really fun! I don’t know—but I think about it! One time I dreamed about my own daughter making fun of me for my legs! And I woke up crying!”

She was still crying right now, in fact.

“I’m going to graduate and I still want to be friends with Aoi even though she’s inevitably going to an elite college that I could never dream of attending! I-I also want to make more friends. I-I heard that—once you get to college, people start caring a lot less about their appearances...! But that because everyone’s all matured, they’re still super attractive...!” Yashiro blubbers. “I-I’m gonna graduate, I’m gonna go to college, I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna get my garden, my rodents, my husband, my children, and, and, and... I’m still going to visit you if I can... Because I don’t want you getting lonely. Even if Tsuchigomori-sensei teaches here forever, I—I’ll worry about you, Hanako-kun.” She sniffles. “I’ll worry...a lot. What if you completely go off the deep end without me and Kou-kun? I’m—so worried!”

“Are you saying I’ll become a villain out of loneliness?” Hanako asked, mildly offended, mildly amused. “I was lonely before I met you for a long time.”

“That might make it worse,” Yashiro mutters. “Losing your friends is awful, even if you were friendless before.”

Friendless. I wasn’t really friendless. That said. That said...

“The fact that you’re so compassionate really does irk me,” he said. “Yashiro—you’re way too kind. Please be careful.”

“Or I’ll be taken advantage of, you mean?” Yashiro’s frown deepened, her cheeks darker. “I’m not helpless, Hanako-kun. I’m not always going to need you to save me. I’ll do my best to manage on my own. As well as I can.”

“I believe you. After all, I have underestimated you in the past.”

“Hanako-kun...” Yashiro huffed and she stomped forward. Raising her hand, she furiously ruffled Hanako’s hair. “You’re so immature! Don’t act like you’re not!”

“H-Hey, Yashiro.”

She knocks off his hat so that she can ruffle him harder.

“Immature! Childish! Bratty! Meanie! Hanako-kun!”

“Y-Yashiro, cut it out!”

Yashiro finally laughs at him. Hanako glares back, but then, after a while, his expression twists.

“Sometimes, it’s so heavy I can’t move. I should be glad you can move about so freely.”

Yashiro shakes her head, smile strained but sympathetic.

“We’re friends, Hanako-kun. If you want me to shoulder the burden with you, all you have to do is ask.”

I won’t. I refuse.

But Yashiro does hug him, and it’s far too easy to fall into her embrace.

She really isn’t one to be underestimated.

“There, there,” Yashiro coos, petting his hair. “There, there. Just let Nene-nee help you.”

Hanako chortled.

“I’m half a century older than you.”

Yashiro chuckles.

“You’re still a child, Hanako-kun.”

Still a child. She really is naïve. As if all I am is a child that desperately needs reassurance and validation. I needed more than that. We both did. But, still. Still, still, still.

Hanako’s lips pressed closely together as he buried his face into her shoulder.

I guess this is still nice.

[thelunarfairy]

I was rereading tbhk and got reminded of the mermaid scale curse between Yashiro and Hanako, I wonder if in the new timeline they are still bound by the fate?

Or maybe this is completely disregarded in the new timeline because technically it never happened lol... But I kinda hope this scale thing could be some kind of key as to return to the old timeline, because the mermaid scale is the start of their bond (and reason why Yashiro got involved in the supernatural world further)

You know, I've been thinking about this for a long time, ever since they went back in time.

Because, following the logic, Nene wasn't supposed to have any more ties with Hanako, but the story made such a point of saying over and over again that it's a very strong bond between the destinies that I can't imagine it being severed.

Furthermore, it is linked to "destiny" and destiny has a direct connection with time.

If Amane's destiny is to be a teacher, then in the future he would grow up to become one.

Furthermore, it is reinforced that it is a bond "across the world of the living and the dead". That is, even if one or both of them were dead, the bond would continue.

Maybe this bond hasn't been broken, because even with Severance, it continued to exist.

But, we are talking about time. In this case, we saw that time can have "flaws" and one of them is Tsukasa, Hanako meeting Nene is a flaw, because Hanako only killed Tsukasa because Tsukasa came back, and Tsukasa only came back because Nene and Kou spoke to him.

This is how the temporal paradox was created, the clock keepers are trying to fix the paradox, we don't know what they changed, nor what Amane did to Tsukasa, but you can see that there are flaws here.

Since the fact that people can remember another reality is a loophole, how would people remember things that didn't happen?

Can you understand? If they can remember the other reality, then it may be that some things have remained, beyond the memories.

And one of them is the mermaid bond, the bond was made in the other reality, but it may have been strong enough to have continued in the current reality, just like the memories.

It is a bond that goes beyond life and death, and is directly linked to destiny, if the destiny of one of them changes, that of the other changes too, but they do not lose the bond.

Another thing, I still have serious doubts about the objects. Does Nene still have Amane's keys?

Hmmmm…..

Well, if I had to make a guess, I think the bond still exists, maybe it's weak, but it must exist. I'm not sure, I still have many doubts about its veracity, but at least we still managed to fit the hypothesis into current reality.

[ssruis]

14,17, 19? - sakitenmaenjoyer

14. Favorite vocals in the game

If this question is about which characters I think have the best vocals: I think rui is my favorite but I also really like akito/haruka/nene/mizuki/saki/ichika/an/ena.

If it’s about the best covers (not counting commissioned songs the list would get too long): ikanaide (<- PEAK. First pjsk song added to my music library. The versions on YouTube without miku are even better*), shoujo rei, At God’s mercy, mizuki’s Charles alt, rui’s as you like it alt (all of his alts are good that one’s just a favorite), nene’s racing into the night alt, ifuudoudou, akito’s airhead and fragile alts (his airhead alt is. So good.) are a few off the top of my head.

*I said no commissioned songs but I feel obligated to take this opportunity to say colopale was so evil for giving like half of salamander to miku when it would have been so much better w just akito/ena. I love miku but sometimes less is more. Look @ Cosmospice.

17. Songs you want added to the game/what unit would cover them

I have so many….

Unfriendly hater - meddmia? (Wxs specifically ruikasa. Surely they’ll put this in the game it works so well. It’s perfect.) (coping) (I genuinely think they’ll do it)

Popipo - lamazep (wxs)

Death should not have taken thee - Jesus- P (wxs) (not happening they probably would have done it with adventure log)

For dear life - NILFRUITS (vbs)

RPG - soramafuurasaka* (wxs) (far fetched but I can dream…it would be so good…)

Young girl A - siinamota (niigo)

So long - Tokyo Elvis (no idea) (not happening, small eng producer)

TAMAYA - chinozo (VBS?)

Tawagato Speaker - NEKOBOLO (idk)

Record Red - shr (niigo or wxs)

World of Wonder - daniwell (wxs or mmj)

Even though I loved you/rebirth/suck it up/mind brand/darling - MARETU (most would probably go to niigo but l/n and vbs could kill some of these)

That’s why I gave up on music/hitchcock/prostitution - yorushika* (L/N, L/N, VBS?)

Night is faint - eve* (l/n or vbs)

Luvoratorrrrry! - reol (vbs or maybe mmj)

Volt switch - deco*27 (no cover) (would be shocked if this happened)

Hito mania - sasuke haraguchi (idk)

Butcher Vanity/Lose your head - vane (eng so no cover)

Konton Boogie - jon-YAKITORY (idk)

Therefore you and me - si-o (idk. Niigo?)

You’re a useless child - kikuo (niigo probably)

Insanity - circus-P (niigo? Or vbs)

Better off worse - circus-P (eng no cover)

* not a vocaloid song but has connections to producers that are already in the game

19. Favorite cards

Constraining myself to just wxs bc of the image limit. And also I’m biased so most of them would have been wxs anyways.

Absolute favorite card. Emunene real. If I have to spark for this and destroy my savings for wxs world link I will be so mad but I will do it.

Emu cards are always so good… I don’t think I can pull for Sanrio emu though despite it being one of my favorites (devastating) (saving for wxs world link). A shout out to her untrained Phoenix card & Torpe card too… they’re so cute.

Rui also has rlly good cards I think his cyber punk card is probably in my top 10 (also can’t pull for it) and his white day card… ough the lighting/pose/composition (still mad I couldn’t pull for that)

These untraineds are favorites just because they make me giggle. Tsukasa in a crisis is Always Hysterical (also why I like his untrained Phoenix/3rd year/doll festival* cards) but I think I’ve said [insert untrained pandemonium card] while talking abt tsukasa 100 times (which I got from you) because it’s never not funny. The gokart card is just really cute I love rui’s dumb expression and the fact that he’s too goddamn tall for this ride/the pure joy on emu’s face as she turns her car directly into rui presumably in an attempt to run him off the road (I support it). But the best part of it is 100% nene being a girl failure in the back like how did you fuck up so badly. Do not let her behind the wheel of a car ever. The expression of gamer rage on her face… her mario kart skills did not transfer over… she’s pissed. 10/10.

*Doll festival card gets an extra shout out. Why is rui there. He’s not in the side stories at all. The implication that he either 1) saw tsukasa acting like the world was ending and just went “not my problem” and walked away or 2) went to go eat lunch with him and walked in on him with his head in his hands having a capital c Crisis & had to deal with that is so funny.

[linderu]

a promise more powerful than hanakotoba.

characters: hanako, yashiro pairing: hanako/yashiro series: jibaku shounen hanako-kun ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24041686

After their predicament with No. 4 was resolved, life for Hanako regrettably went back to normal.

Too normal, he thought, eyeing Yashiro carefully when she wasn’t watching.

Yashiro was acting as if nothing had happened. Normally, he could read her like an open book, so for her to be scrubbing away at floors and digging holes into the ground in her garden with such high levels of enthusiasm was completely throwing him for a loop.

In No 4.’s painting, she had found out about her short lifespan.

Not only that, but it was obvious Hanako had hid it from her— as well as made a valiant effort to trap her in a fake world she wanted no part of. He pretended to be Amane Yugi and acted as if he had no clue what she was talking about when she addressed him as “Hanako-kun.”

No matter his intentions, he felt nothing but guilt and concern when he thought about it. Normally, he would have thought she would yell, cry, hit him, get in his face— Yashiro was generally a very expressive girl, especially when it came down to things she felt strongly about.

So why did she seem so happy now?

As Hanako thought, he just couldn’t leave her alone.

“Ya~shi~ro!” His voice was playfully melodic as he approached her from behind, his hands latching onto her shoulders.

“Uwah!” Immediately, she jumped up with a yelp, not having heard him approach. “H-hanako-kun?! What is it?”

“Why are you plowing new rows at a time like this? Don’t you already have enough plants?” Hanako floated in midair, pouting, and leaned into Yashiro’s back as he propped his chin on her shoulder. “Hey, hey, can’t we do something together? Come oooon, I’m booooored!”

“Hanako-kun, get off of me!” She waved her plow around impatiently, attempting to shove him off. Persistent as he was, he didn’t budge. “I have to finish this before I go home! It’s really, really, really important!”

Pressing his cheek into Yashiro’s, Hanako peered over her shoulder at the garden.

“Is it really that important?” He questioned, his voice portraying his curiosity. “Isn’t it just the same as what you normally do?”

“No! It’s not, so get off already!”

“Hmmm…” Hanako hummed, deciding to obey. As much as he loved taking up Yashiro’s personal space and keeping annoyingly close, he didn’t want to piss her off too much — especially when he was on the hunt for information.

“I’m just about done plowing, and then I have to sow the seeds.” Now that she had some room to breathe, Yashiro was back to her usual, smiley self (it really was weirding him out), and she pulled a packet of seeds out to show him. “They’re flowers! Look at the picture, won’t they be super, suuuuuper pretty when they grow?! Aaaahhh, I can’t wait!”

“Flowers?” Hanako was drawing blanks. Didn’t she usually plant vegetables? “What for? Won’t those just give you more work?”

“They will, but, think about it Hanako-kun!” She jammed her plow into the ground and clasped her hands together, eyes sparkling. “What better way to confess your love than with hanakotoba?! Yes, that’s right! I, Yashiro Nene, will plant the perfect flowers to give to Minamoto-senpai!”

“Uh-huh…”

“And then he wouldn’t be able to help but fall for me!” Yashiro continued. Abruptly, she took on the manliest tone she could muster, and Hanako didn’t bother hiding his snickering. “Ah, Nene-chan, these camellias are beautiful… this one is red… could it mean... you’re in love with me?”

“Pfft! Didn’t you already give up on that guy?” He strongly felt the urge to glomp her again, if only to get her mind off confessing to some prince-charming-school-president-excorcist-guy whom she barely knew. No, he wasn’t jealous at all. “And anyway, why go through all that effort to plant them if you could just buy them from the store? Isn’t that kind of silly?”

“No, they have to be home grown or it wouldn’t mean anything!” She shook her head vehemently, squeezing the package of seeds in her hands. “I’ve never planted flowers before… and anyway, camellia shrubs bloom every year, you know? Even if I’m not here, they’ll...  they’ll grow back...“

Her voice trailed off, and her gaze fell to the ground. If Hanako had a beating heart, it surely would have stopped as he saw tears well in her eyes.

“Yashiro…” he reached a hand out slowly, but didn’t touch her— at this moment in time, for whatever reason, it felt she was extremely fragile. Like if he were to even brush her shoulder, she would shatter, and disappear from existence entirely.

He had known she wasn’t okay. It was good he came to check on her after all. But what could he do for her…? He was dead, himself, after all.

“E-even when I’m… d-dead… they’ll grow for everyone to see…!” Yashiro’s tears flowed freely now, and through her crying, she could barely get out a sentence. “S-so maybe everyone��� will still remember me…! Aoi-chan... Kou-kun…”

He couldn’t stand to see her like this. His body was already physically cold from death, but watching her cry and panic about her future left him frozen.

Yashiro had always been a crybaby. He didn’t like to watch her cry under any circumstances, but this was on another level entirely. What could he possibly do? Tell her the future was wrong? Try as he might, he didn’t know that for certain. Honestly, the chances of saving her were so slim anyway, he couldn’t bear to think about it himself.

This was exactly why he wanted to keep her in No 4.’s drawing. She would have been happy. She would have lived forever.

Damn it all.

Wordlessly, he pulled her into a tight embrace, one hand moving up to smooth out her hair. Instantly, she clung on tight to him and sobbed her heart out— and it was thankful she couldn’t see his expression from how they were positioned, because he felt like he could cry, too.

“H-hanako-kun… I don’t want to die! I’m… I’m going to die, right?! R-really soon… even though I’m still so young…!”

“Yashiro… I…” he gave her a tight squeeze, continuing to pet her hair as his other hand rubbed circles into her back. “...”

“What’s going to happen to me?! What about my f-family?! I still… haven’t dated anyone yet…! And I won’t g-get to see you anymore…!”

“...” Hanako bit his lip, holding back his own crushing despair. Had he ever really cried before as a ghost? He wasn’t certain. A thought struck his mind suddenly, and he said the words without giving himself time to think about them. “... Mermaid scales…”

“Huh?” Curiosity must have gotten the best of her, because her crying calmed down some. “H-hanako-kun… what do you mean…?”

“... Ah… it’s just…” he wasn’t entirely sure. He didn’t want to lie to her, but… it was a possibility. “Y’know? The mermaid’s curse. We’re connected by a bond… it’s why we can touch each other, even though I’m not human. The curse... transcends life and death.”

“What are you saying then…?” Only sniffling now, Yashiro pulled back to look Hanako in the eye — and he immediately looked away.

“I’m going to save you, Yashiro.” He muttered, staring at the package of seeds she clenched in her hands. Carefully, he reached a hand to grasp hers, gently unraveling her fingers from the seeds and allowing the package to fall to the grass. He slowly linked their hands together. “I’ll do whatever it takes. So… I don’t want you to worry about any of this. But...”

“B-but…?”

“... if for some reason, it does come to that…” Hanako squeezed her hand, and gathered his courage before looking her straight in the eye. He wanted to show Yashiro he was serious— he didn’t know how much comfort it would bring, but if he couldn’t even look at her when making such important promises, then what good was it to even say them?

“If for some reason, your future comes true, I won’t go anywhere. You’ll still have me. We can still see each other, and spend a lot of time together… okay?” Unable to keep up the eye contact any longer, he hugged her again, burying his face in her shoulder. “I know it’s not much, but at least you won’t lose me. I’ll never let you go. So don’t cry, okay?”

“H-hanako-kun…” Yashiro whimpered.

She wasn’t talking much… of course not. As much as Hanako wanted to help, it was only expected for a human in the face of death to have this kind of reaction.

Death was death.

He’d been a school mystery for 50 years. He wouldn’t dare call it an extension of his life. This was an atonement for his sins, nothing more. Bound to the school, his existence controlled by rumors and his duties alike… this wasn’t living. He was nothing more than a cog in the school’s wheel, helping it function the way it should.

Yashiro was the best thing to happen to him in his 50 years as a ghost. Spirits only existed because they had regrets— they weren’t happy, by any means. Everyone sought release. And what came from release— from fulfilling the regrets you had when you were living— was nothing.

That was your reward. Nothing.

All he could do was comfort her, and try his best to change her future.

“Yashiro.” He murmured. Hanako was relieved to feel the girl relaxing slowly in his arms, the tension in her shoulders easing.

“... You really won’t go anywhere?” One of her hands clung to the clothing on his back. “You’ll stay with me?”

“I won’t leave you alone.” If Yashiro’s spirit stuck around the school, he would undoubtedly stay by her side. If she immediately passed on… perhaps their shared curse would keep them connected. He could only ride on that hope.

A moment of silence passed between them, before Yashiro spoke up.

“Hey, Hanako-kun.”

To his surprise, she withdrew from his embrace, and gave him a peck on the cheek before he had time to react. Hanako stared at her dumbly, his mouth agape, and though her eyes were wet and red and swollen, the smile she wore left him dazzled.

“You were worried for me, right? I’m sorry I cried like that so suddenly…” she directed her gaze to her feet, saving Hanako the trouble of hiding his embarrassment from the sudden kiss. “You’re always watching out for me… so I just… wanted to thank you.”

Quickly rebounding from his fluster, he grabbed her chin, leaned in close, and tilted her head up so their eyes met. Hanako forced a smirk, despite all of the fears and shyness and anxiety and sadness he felt, he couldn’t let himself lose his composure when he was meant to be the one comforting her — really, Yashiro, why were you so worried for him when this situation affected you the most?

“I told you before, right? That you would repay me with your body.” Seizing his opportunity to change the mood, he said what was probably the dumbest thing that came to mind, in the most sultry tone possible. Misdirection! His specialty! “Do you really think I would let you go so easily?”

“Wha—?! What are you saying?! You jerk!” She shoved him away, pouting. “And here I thought you were actually worried about me! I don’t understand you at all! Why can’t you be more like Minamoto-senpai?! Geez, you’re such a pain!”

Operation: make Yashiro think about something else — success! Well, she might be mad, but she was a lot more energetic this way.

“Ah!” Hanako made a scene of glancing up at the sky, before picking up the package of seeds she had dropped on the ground earlier. Time to send her home. “Hey, Yashiro, isn’t it already too dark outside to finish this?”

“Wah!! My flowers!” She checked the time on her phone, before whining again. “When did it get this late?! Geez!!”

Yashiro reached out to swipe her flower seeds, but he immediately floated backwards, holding them in the air above him dramatically.

“Give them back! I need to plant them!”

“Nuh-uh! No way. You don’t need these anymore.”

“But hanakotoba—”

“I’m telling you, you don’t need it.” Through the growing darkness, Hanako smirked. “If we’re changing your future, there’s no reason to plant these, is there? Just go home for the night. Your family’s gonna worry.”

“Oh.” Yashiro’s expression transitioned from surprise, to understanding, and then finally to a small, content smile. “... I guess you’re right, huh…”

“Of course I am. So stop worrying so much about it and go home already.”

“... Okay.” Her smile widened, and once again, she attempted to approach him. Hanako held the seeds even higher above his head, but allowed her to walk up to him, watching her closely for any funny business.

Though, all she did was hug him.

“Yashiro…?”

“Thank you, Hanako-kun.” She gave him a tight squeeze, before backing off. “Okay, well I think I’m going to head home now! Ahhhhh, my family will be so worried…!”

“Okay…” he watched as she headed off towards the exit. Abruptly, she stopped, turned around, and flashed him another bright smile— illuminated by the lamps lighting the pathway.

“Hanako-kun really is the best! Bye-bye, see you tomorrow!” She waved, and ran off towards her home.

[blustersquall]

Only Make Believe // Chapter 34: Nightmares Are Real

So, last chapter was left on a cliffhanger. 

Fair warning: this chapter is heavy going. There’s mentions of abuse, physical, mental, and emotional. There is physical abuse in this chapter. Nothing graphic, but enough I feel it necessary to warn y’all about it. Please, as always, take care of yourself as you’re reading. Take a break. Practice grounding techniques. Breathe deep. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, step away. The chapter will be there when you’re good and ready. 

I’m grateful to every single one of you who has been with me through this fic so far. I also have utter solidarity for every single person who has ever dealt with someone like Rick. We’re not victims. We’re survivors. And no one can take that away from us. 

Also, I ask that you please read the notes at the end of the chapter.

- The chapter is available on AO3 as well, for those who prefer it. (Link to AO3 on my blog).

Cullen hurried through the Chantry phone in hand and dodging around the visitors who were trying to find a place to get a view of exhibition curator and to hear them speak. The number that flashed up as missed was one that Cullen did not recognise; that wasn’t particularly uncommon given how he offered his services. Calls from unknown numbers were expected. That there were six missed called worried him. Six was extreme. Six wasn’t someone calling him to ask about his services. Six missed calls were more like an emergency.

Once outside, Cullen took a deep breath of the freezing air as he tapped the screen to call back. He shoved he free hand in the pocket of his jacket and began to pace along the steps, not far from the doors.

It was two rings before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

Cullen was surprised to hear a male voice answer. A voice he knew. “Josef?”

“Cullen! Thank the Maker I got you!” Josef’s tone was audibly relieved.

Immediately Cullen’s focus went to Matilda, Dante and Rowan. “What’s up? Are the kids okay?” Before he and Nevena left Haven, Josef had said he was taking them to his mother’s in South Reach. Given the treacherous and ever-changing weather, his concern was if there had been an accident or they were stranded somewhere on the road.

“They’re fine. We reached my mother’s safe and sound earlier today. The roads are pretty terrible.” Josef answered quickly, all but brushing off Cullen’s concern. “Look, I know this is a weird call but is Nevena with you?”

“Uh,” Cullen ran his thumb over the scar on his lip. “Sort of. We’re in Kirkwall with some friends of mine. We’re at an exhibit right now.”

“So, you are in Kirkwall…” Josef said under his breath. “Shit.”

“Joe, what’s going on?” asked Cullen, his hackles rising due to the questions he had and the answers he didn’t.

“I was hoping…” Josef sighed. “Ineria knows Nevena is in Kirkwall. Nevena has been checking into various locations on her Facebook.”

“Okay…” Cullen said, uncertain why this was an issue. “I can’t imagine Ineria is on Nevena’s Facebook.”

“She isn’t but Matilda is. Matilda left her Facebook profile logged in on the home computer. We left in such a hurry, she didn’t even think about logging out or anything until we got to my mother’s and I called Ineria to let her know the kids were safe.”

Cullen’s body went cold all of a sudden, and not from the snow. “Ineria wouldn’t use Matilda’s social media to track Nev, would she? And even if she did, it’s not like she can reach Nevena here.”

“Rick lives in Kirkwall!”

Cullen almost dropped his phone. The world around him slowed down to a snail’s pace.

Rick lived in Kirkwall.

Rick, Nevena’s living nightmare, lived in Kirkwall. The city they had come to. The city he suggested they go to as a safe haven and for a change of scenery. And worse, Nevena’s social media was acting as a beacon.

“Is Ineria still in contact with Rick?” asked Cullen, his voice almost robotic as his brain struggled to catch up the time around him. “Do they still talk?”

Josef sighed down the other end of the phone. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I only… When I was speaking to her, something she said made me think she is, and has probably told him that Nevena is in the city.”

“What did she say?”

“Something about Kirkwall and it being a good place for Nevena to bump into old faces.”

“That sounds pretty clear cut, doesn’t it?” Cullen pushed his fingers into his eyes. “Would she, really?”

“This is Ineria we’re talking about, Cullen.” Josef sounded weary. “If it means she gets her claws into Nevena from a distance, she’ll do whatever she can.”

“I have to go.” Cullen said, beginning to climb the steps to the entry of the Chantry. “I’ve left her alone and if he’s looking for her I can’t leave her for long. I don’t want her to have to deal with him. She shouldn’t have to.”

“Agreed. Let me know everything is okay. Matilda feels terrible.”

“It’s not her fault, I know that, and Nevena would say the same. But I’ll let you know if anything happens.”

“Alright.”

“Thanks for calling me.”

“No problem.”

Josef hung up and Cullen slid his phone into his pocket. He marched into the Chantry and through the metal detectors bypassing the security guards with hardly a glance. His heart was in his throat, and he was acutely aware of everything and everyone.

He looked over the sea of people. It was as though each person had suddenly multiplied into five people. The crowd looked so much larger than it had when he was walking through to return the call. He cursed the dim lighting, it was impossible to make out faces of the people he walked by. He didn’t really know what Rick looked like, except from a quick glimpse of him in a photo taken years ago. For all Cullen knew, the young angry looking brunette in that picture could be bald, with mutton chops and a tattoo on his face now.

It didn’t matter that he didn’t know what Rick looked like he scanned the faces of every person he went passed, searching for the face of a man looking for someone else in earnest. If he was here, if he had been informed of Nevena’s whereabouts by Ineria, then Cullen was determined to act as a wall between Rick and Nevena. She did not need to see him, not after everything he put her through. Not after the strides she had taken in the years past to get to where she was today.

The crowds grew thicker the further into the Chantry Cullen walked. A woman was talking on a small platform elevated about a foot above the onlookers, indicating with a wave of her hand to different exhibits on display. Cullen closed his ears and tried to patiently ease his way through the people trying to get to the alcove where he left Nevena, and hoping she was either still there, or at the very least nearby and alone.

From the corner of his eye he noticed the familiar style of Cassandra’s short hair as she stood taller than most of the other women gathered. Varric was with her, and Cullen breathed a momentary sigh of relief making his way over as fast as possible.

“Cass!” He nudged her and spoke in a low, frantic whisper.

“There you are Curly,” Varric chuckled, “we were wondering where you and Freckles got off to…” he glanced around for Nevena. “Speaking of which, where is she?”

“What’s the matter?” Cassandra asked, the voice almost aggressive. Cullen realised he must have looked stricken to her in some way, despite how much he was trying to keep his calm. Nothing got passed Cassandra. Nothing, and for once, Cullen was glad of that.

“I had a call from Nevena’s brother-in-law, Josef. She’s been checking her in to the places we’ve been visiting since leaving Haven on her Facebook.” As Cullen spoke he realised he was breathing fast and a sense of panic was starting to overtake him. His chest was tighter, and his extremities were cold. Cool sweat soaked the back of his neck and trickled down his spine. He drew in a deep breath and stood straighter – he couldn’t afford to panic now. “Ineria has informed Nev’s ex that she’s here. He lives in Kirkwall.”

“What?” Both Varric and Cassandra’s eyes widened.

“Shit.” Varric said. “Alright, I’ll go grab a security guard. Where’d you leave her?”

“Over there,” Cullen pointed in the direction. “There’s a sculpture of a parent and child.”

“Okay.” Varric went off, easing through the crowd with as much speed as was possible.

“Come on,” Cassandra said, moving at a brisk pace with Cullen through the throngs of people. People who seemed to just part for Cassandra with minimal effort. Cullen kept a step ahead of Cassandra’s gait leading her through the Chantry to where he left Nevena not five minutes ago.

He swallowed back his fear and worry, hoping she would be as he left her. Alone, and safe.

Nevena jerked up from the two-seater bench and stepped out of the reach of the hands that had tightened for a moment around her throat. She touched her neck, unable to shake cold clammy sensation under her hand and tainting her skin.

It was a trick. It had to be.

Some terrible, awful, cruel joke.

How was he here?

How did he find her?

Why was he here?

There was no sense to it. It was him though. In the flesh. Standing at the same six-foot height, the brown hair a little shorter, the blue eyes as small and cold as they ever were. He stood with his hands still outstretched, a look of surprise marring his features as though shocked Nevena had dared to get away from him.

Her throat tightened. Nevena wasn’t sure if she was about to scream, or cry, or vomit. Her stomach turned, while also somehow being in her feet and she was rooted to the floor. Heart hammering in her ears, she tried to find her breath, her voice. Tried to find herself and make herself do more than stare in abject horror and terror.

“It’s good to see you, Nene.” Rick’s mouth slid into a thin smile, “I was shocked when Ineria called me and told me you were in Kirkwall. Shocked, but… pleased. You know, I’d been thinking about you a lot… Christmas was when you broke my heart.”

Ineria?

Nevena’s mind turned that information over slowly like rusted cogs in a clock. Ineria told him she was in Kirkwall? Ineria was still in contact with Rick? How did Ineria even know she was in Kirkwall? Aside from Cullen and Roselyn, she hadn’t told anyone where she was going or what she was doing. So how did Ineria know? How had she found out? Why had she called Rick?

The last question was stupid. The reason Ineria called Rick was because she knew how much it would hurt and how much he would frighten her if he found her. Which he had.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” he began to walk towards her, circling around the bench with arms open, palms up. He looked so… unthreatening. He gave the impression of someone who was so relaxed and calm, he always did. The well-practiced lie that hid the truth of the person he was underneath the facade. Nevena glanced over his shoulder, hoping someone might look over, catch her eye and see the terror she was trying to convey. No one did. She was alone. Alone with an animal who wore the mantle of a man. “I’ve missed you, you know.”

Nevena almost stumbled into the sculpture as she backed away from Rick with every step he took towards her. She caught herself before she hit the art piece staggering away and blindly fumbling to regain her balance. A hand grabbed her left arm in a vice-like grip. In a series of motions that left her feeling as though she was about to be sick, he twisted her arm up and behind her back holding it there in an awkward position that caused pain to shoot down from her wrist to her elbow and then up into her shoulder. Nevena’s eyes started to sting. Her chest constricted around her lungs pushing all the breath from her in a rush. “You could at least say something.” Rick hissed at her, mouth close to her ear. His breath wafting over her face made her feel nauseous. A feeling that only increased when she heard Rick inhale deeply, his nose pressing into her hair. “You look great.”

“Let go.” Nevena mumbled, trying to pull her arm free of Rick’s grip – which only resulted in more pain. His hand tightened around her wrist the more she struggled. Over the years, she had forgotten how much stronger than her she was. Now was an unwelcome reminder as he held her, trapped within his grasp. “Please.” She could see his steely eyes boring into her in her periphery but refused to look.

“Who was that you were with?” he asked conversationally. His grip on her never faltered, no matter how much she wriggled and her arm, wretched behind her, was starting to go numb. She remembered times like this from before. During arguments when he would grab and wouldn’t let go until he left a mark, or she was crying. “I didn’t like him.”

“Please, let go.” Nevena tried to tug her arm again – her shoulder burned in complaint. “Please don’t cause a scene.”

“A scene?” Rick smiled. “Why would I cause a scene? We’re just talking.”

“If we’re just talking, then please let go.” Begging. She was already begging. Hardly two minutes and she was back to the submissive, frightened person he turned her into. The nightmare of him just appearing if she so much as thought about him had come true. Here he was, in the flesh, ruining everything the way he always did.

“Who was he?” Rick’s voice became more of a snarl, and he loomed over her, his face inches from her. Nevena had no other option but to look at him. The shadows cast by the low light made him look as though he was possessed. She tried to summon her voice up to scream, but nothing came out.

“He…” Nevena swallowed hard, “he’s—“

“He was touching you.” Rick snatched her chin in his free hand and pressed his fingers and thumb into her skin. He squeezed her jawbone making her wince. “And kissing you.”

Nevena clenched her eyes shut. He was so uncomfortably close she could feel his breath on her face. She was certain he was about to try and kiss her. Try and lay claim to her. Make her do things she didn’t want to do the way he used to. She tightened her lips together, as if doing so might make kissing impossible. She hated the sensation of tears stinging her eyes. All the time she’d spent trying to put her life back together. All the time she’d spent thinking she was stronger, and she could move on and that Rick didn’t have a hold on her any more – all for nothing. She was still afraid of him. He could still force her and scare her and make her do things, just because he wanted to and because he knew he could exert that power over her. All the progress she thought she’d made had been nothing but an illusion… or perhaps a delusion would have been more accurate.

The fear and panic were taking hold, blood pounding through her veins, her vision blurring at the corners, her heart thundering at an alarming speed against her ribcage while she was yanked between fight or flight. Her chest tightened even further, her ribs feeling as though they were clawing into her lungs making it impossible to get even a gasp of air. Every breath she tried to take was shorter and sharper than the one before. She wanted to run and hide, and cower in a corner, never to come out again. She wanted to be home, safe behind her locked doors, her locked windows, and her drawn curtains.

“Am I scaring you, Nene?” Rick’s voice was closer, as though he was whispering directly into her ear. She sensed movement through her closed eyes and flinched away instinctively. “You’re shaking.” She realised she was, trembling from head to foot, a scared rabbit in a fox’s den. “Are you cold?”

“N-no.” Nevena jerked away from Rick’s hand gently gliding up the side of her face from her chin. His flesh was cool on hers, and his fingers curled back into her hair. She tried to bury her head and neck down into her shoulders, like a tortoise retreating into its shell. Rick’s hand tightened in her hair and he pulled. Nevena bit back a yelp of pain. “That hurts…” Nevena managed to say, reaching up and wrapping her free hand around his in her hair. She had nails, she could scratch him – but the pain in her shoulder from the hold he had her in was now spreading across the top of her back. And even if she did try to scratch him, it wouldn’t make any difference. He would just laugh in her face at her feeble attempt to free herself.

“Does it?” he tugged on her hair again and this time Nevena did let out a small noise of protest. She didn’t know if it was involuntary, or if some deep part of her hoped making any kind of noise would attract some attention. “I thought you’d be happier to see me.”

“I-I am…”

“You’re not acting happy.” Hissed Rick. “After everything you put me through, after all the pain I experienced when you broke things off and humiliated me – I would have thought you’d at least apologize to me” Nevena’s throat constricted, further restricting the air she tried to breathe making even that feel as though it was choking her. “Why did you let your friend trick me? Why did you let her call the police when all I wanted to do was get you alone to talk to you?”

“I… I didn’t know sh—“

“Liar!” Rick pulled back on Nevena’s head. “Don’t lie to me! You must have known! Why else would you have allowed her to do it!“

“I didn’t know, I swear.” Nevena whimpered. Tears escaped from the corners of her eyes making her want to curse. Crying was what he wanted. What he liked. He liked it when she cried in the past. He enjoyed seeing her crumble into pieces. Enjoyed knowing how afraid of him she was. He enjoyed knowing that he could reduce her to nothing by doing so very little. “I didn’t know.”

“Why should I believe you?” Hissed Rick. He slid his hand out of her hair and down. Nevena shuddered. His skin was clammy and cold on hers, it almost felt leathery and she was sure she was melting, as if his touch was corroding her flesh away. His fingers closed around her throat and Nevena suddenly found herself stumbling over her feet as she struggled to keep up with Rick’s stride. His arm and then hers hit the hard stone wall, the impact almost winding her. Her head hit a moment later smacking into it with an almighty crack that ricocheted around the small vestibule.

Nevena’s head throbbed from the pain and her mind swam for a moment while she tried to focus herself. Dark spots flickered across her vision and for a terrible moment she thought she was going to be sick. Bile burned the back of the tongue before she forced it back down with a hard swallow. More tears spilled down her face, dripping on her clothes and Rick’s hand. When she sniffled and looked at him, Rick’s thin lips curled up at the corners. “What do you want?”

“What I’ve always wanted.” Rick shrugged when he answered, as if he was making a vague comment about nothing at all. His grip tightened on Nevena’s arm and she yelped when he forced one leg between hers, pressing his thigh against her. “I want what was promised to me by your useless shit of a father. I want what you promised me when I asked you to marry me. I want you. I want your family’s connections. I want your family’s money.” He pushed harder, his thigh working at pinning Nevena to the wall, all the while she could feel his blunt fingernails digging into the skin of her throat. “Most of all though, I just want you.”

“I don’t have any of that.” Nevena managed to choke out between gasps for air that were becoming more desperate with each one. “I don’t know anything about his finances or the business.”

“Do you think that matters to me?” Rick’s smile grew a little. “Someone has to take over when the old fucker dies. Why shouldn’t it be me?” Nevena’s eyes widened at that, and she stared at him, searching for any deception. Rick chuckled. “After all, that was part of what he agreed to when I asked him if he would allow me to marry you.”

“You’re lying.”

Rick snorted. “You can believe that if you want to. You’ll have to talk to daddy dearest. But, that’s beside the point right now. What I want is what I was promised. I asked you to marry me, and you said yes. That’s a verbal agreement. A binding contract. A contract that you, little bitch, broke.” His hand tightened around Nevena’s throat and she coughed against the pressure he applied.

“What I want is what any reasonable husband wants. I want to be able to fuck you as much as I want, when I want, and how I want,” with each phrase he rubbed the weight of himself against Nevena, and his lips – cold and cracked and wet – pressed to Nevena’s jaw, working along towards her mouth. “I want you to be a good girl and not fucking complain and bitch when I do. I want you to learn your place and do as you’re told, instead of always trying to fucking fight me. I’m not asking for much here, Nene. It’s not unreasonable to expect your obedience.”

Nevena’s mind was fuzzy. She wasn’t sure if it was the knock on the head, the lack of air, or the information that was being thrown at her, but she couldn’t concentrate and could barely hear. Blood thudded in her ears drowning out most sounds except Rick’s voice. Her flesh crawled under each kiss Rick applied, as if her own skin was trying to slough off and get rid of any essence of him. She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to concentrate over the pain in the back of her head, and the fear welling up inside her. Once more, she bit her lips together doing so would act as a deterrent if he tried to kiss her.

“We’re going to be really happy, you and me, Nene.” Rick said, his voice losing its edge and sounding deceptively gentle. Somehow, that softness made everything so much worse. It was the voice he used to fool everyone. The one he used to charm his way through life, while hiding his true self behind it. Nevena swallowed down hard on the sickness threatening to rise up her gullet again. The tears started falling freely and she choked on a sob. “You’ll see.” His moist and sickly smelling breath wafted over her face. Nevena retreated back, eyes clenched closed, holding her breath and praying the wall might simply let her melt into it. “Now, kiss me like a good girl, and we’ll—“

“Nev--!”

Nevena opened her eyes at the sound of a third voice. One that filled her shaking body with relief.

“Cullen!” His name fell more like a bark from her mouth, caught somewhere between a sharp inhale and a sob.

He stood at the mouth of the alcove, hair slightly dishevelled, breathing hard and red faced as though he’d been running. His eyes were blazing, more fearful than angry and he might have been the most beautiful sight Nevena had ever seen.

She watched him taking in the scene in front of him. Eyes darting from her to Rick, to his hand on her throat, his leg pushed between hers. She saw him see the tears staining her face and then his eyes glanced just to the side of her. They widened a little, before returning and focusing full fury on Rick.

“Let go of her. Now.” Cullen advanced, an icy stillness to his voice. He was taller than Rick by a few inches, but at that moment he was more like a giant towering over a mouse. Nevena watched him, noticing a moment later that Cullen wasn’t alone, that both Varric and Cassandra were flanking him with one of the security guards from the entrance. Cullen’s eyes were fixed on Rick, gauging him and checking for everything from his breathing pattern to his expression, alert for any sudden movements.

Nevena realised in the haze of her muddled brain that this was Cullen the TEMPLAR in front of her. Someone with military training, looking for the safest way to deal with the situation with minimal injuries to any party involved. That was a world he had left behind… and now he was forced to drag up that training, and everything that went with it because of her.

Rick didn’t move. He didn’t speak, but Nevena heard him take a quick breath, clearly taking stock of the fact he was outnumbered and outmatched. Cullen lifted his hands, palms facing Rick.  A peaceful stance and non-threatening. Rick watched him with sharp hawk-like eyes as Cullen continued to approach until there was only a few feet between himself and Rick. Nevena wanted to fall into him, into the safety he provided, but with Rick’s strength and his full weight pressing her into the wall, she knew moving would cause more issues than it would solve. Cullen’s gaze flickered across to her and his face hardened slightly.

“You don’t want to make this worse than it already is.” Cullen said, voice even and slow. “I know Ineria must have put you up to this.”

“She told me Nene would be here.” Rick spat. He stepped back from Nevena and the pressure between her legs alleviated when he moved. His hand was still around her throat, though he relaxed his grip a little. Her legs wobbled. “She didn’t mention she’d have company.” The sneer was unmissable, but Cullen didn’t flinch or react beyond a small twitch in the muscle of his jaw.

“Just let her go—“

“No! She’s mine! I asked her to marry me, and she said yes! That’s an agreement! A contract! You can’t just—“

“She changed her mind.” Cullen interjected, coldly. “She is and was well within her rights to do so. She never belonged to you, even if she did say yes at first because you manipulated her.”

“I didn’t manipulate her!” Rick shouted so loud, spittle flew from his mouth. “It was a gesture in front of her family!” Nevena clenched her eyes closed and recoiled from the sound of his raised voice. “She always was a good liar! Tried to convince everyone I was stalking her, and that I hurt her! I never did! She just never listened, and I had to make her listen to me! It was for her own good! I know what’s best for her!” Rick’s hand on her arm tightened and he shook her with every statement he shouted at Cullen. Nevena cowered away from the noise. “Her family owes me for the humiliation I endured. She owes me for fucking my life up so much! I haven’t had a single day since she dumped me that I haven’t thought about her!” To Nevena’s surprise, there were tears welling up in Rick’s eyes and his voice had started shaking as he ranted. He looked at her, the anger in his face cracking for a moment to show a brokenness she had never seen before. “You owe me.”

For a moment, a split second, she felt a glimmer of sympathy for him. He was not well. Never had been, and for all the time away, it seemed like he never got the help he so desperately needed. His family probably didn’t want to admit there was something wrong with him. A chemical imbalance, and psychological issue… People like them, like her family, would rather ignore a problem, than face it and deal with any potential scandal. He was sick, and Ineria must have known and manipulated him in some way. Rick was a victim, in this at least.

The sympathy conflicted so much with the fear he evoked in her, it felt strange. Strange enough that Nevena reminded herself that Rick was in no way deserving of her compassion. No matter what he had endured, no matter how he might have been coerced or manipulated into this situation by a puppet master – he didn’t deserve anything from her. She had wasted time, and tears, and too many sleepless nights, lying awake out of fear to allow her soft heart to wash it all away. Rick wasn’t a monster, he was a man. Sick, and without people around him to help, but he had still put her through hell for years. Still tormented her dreams and her waking hours. Still cornered her, attacked her, tried to take advantage of her after three years of nothing. Nevena might have felt a flicker of sympathy for him, but it was extinguished in moments by the memory of everything he put her through.

“Let her go.” Cullen said again his voice still and steady. “She doesn’t owe you anything.”

Rick scoffed, “and who are you, then? What is Nene to you? Are you her new boyfriend?”

“None of that is any of your concern.” Cullen replied, “all you need to know, all you deserve to know is that she has told me everything you did to her, and what you put her through. That if you think I’ll allow you to inflict anything more on her you are sadly mistaken. I love her, and if you dare to hurt her, it will be the last thing you ever do.”

Through the panic flooding Nevena’s senses, Cullen’s steady words broke through enough to shatter it for a moment. Had he said what she thought he said? What she thought she heard? Was he being truthful? Being earnest? Or was he saying it to get Rick to react and drop his guard for a moment? His expression was so still it was hard to tell. Something inside her bloomed with warmth, until Rick’s fingers tightened on her throat again and the reality of her situation crashed down around her.

“She’s not capable of loving someone. I proposed to her and after she said yes, she changed her mind and gave me the ring back!” Rick laughed, a high-pitched maniacal laugh that send a cold shudder down Nevena’s back. “Who does that?!”

“Looks like she dodged a bullet from where I’m standing.” Varric muttered, loud enough for everyone to hear.

As Rick reeled around to turn his ire on another person, his fingers loosened around Nevena’s throat and her arm. Taking a chance, she gathered up what strength she could and pushed herself off the wall trying to wrench herself out of his grip. Cullen grabbed her around her upper arm, his own strength pooling into her momentum. He gathered her up in his arms, and all but dragged her out of Rick’s reach. In the seconds it took for Nevena to escape, the security guard had Rick spread eagle against the wall and was cuffing his hands.

Nevena started crying. Big, uncontrollable tears and sobs that shook her down to the core as she buried and all but hid herself against Cullen’s chest. Her shaking legs finally gave out underneath her and she sank to the floor, a dead weight. Cullen caught her before she completely slipped from his grasp and he eased her down to the ground. The guard marched Rick away and through the crowds who had now gathered to see what the commotion was. Nevena heard him yelling something but didn’t catch what.

Cullen knelt in front of her, his hands gently pushing her hair off her face. He spoke, though Nevena could only catch low rumbles of words over the pulsing thunder between her ears. He took one of her hands and placed it over his chest. His heart was beating as fast as hers, but he slowed his breathing on purpose. Nevena closed her eyes trying to concentrate on the rhythm of his inhales and exhales but she couldn’t. It was too hard, and her head hurt. She started to scratch at her hands. She wanted to rub her flesh raw, scratch it with sandpaper, dig her nails under her skin and claw Rick out. Anything to get the mere thought of him off and away from her. She remembered that he’d been kissing her jaw, and that reminder sent a wave of intense nausea washing over her.

“Breathe, Nevena…” Cullen’s voice sounded so far away and disjointed to her. Like she was underwater, and he was above. She coughed so hard she retched, doubling over and clutching her stomach. The back of her head hurt and felt unnaturally warm, but she didn’t dare touch her hair. She would sooner cut it all off than touch it again. Hands held her shoulders, steady, comforting. Nevena reached up with her left hand, and her fingers interlocked with those on her left shoulder. “Slowly, try and slow down…”

She was trying. Trying to breathe easier, trying to stop the crying, the panic, the shaking. She was trying so hard not to be… this. This trembling, fearful, shameful mess that Rick turned her into. She was trying to be better.

“S-s—“ she took a deep breath, her voice and words failing.

“Shh…” Cullen gently cradled her face in his hands, coaxing her to lift her head so she could meet his gaze. It was just them. The alcove had been cordoned off and it seemed that Cassandra and Varric had made themselves scarce for the time being. “It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re safe. He cannot get you, I swear. Take your time…”

They were on the floor, and Nevena didn’t remember how they got there. Her whole mind was confused and fuzzy, small details missing. She shook her head from side to side, hopelessly hoping it might provide some clarity. It didn’t – it just succeeded in giving her more of a headache than had already started to form behind her eyes. Cullen pulled her into his arms and she all but melted into the safety and security he provided.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He murmured, stroking her back. “Had I known he was in Kirkwall I would never have suggest we come here. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Nevena tried to find her voice, but the threat of sickness kept her from speaking. Instead she shook her head slowly into Cullen’s shoulder, burying her face into the curve of his neck.

“Are you hurt?”

She shook her head again.

“There’s blood on the wall…” Cullen gently ran his fingers back over her hair. “Sweetheart, you’re bleeding.” Nevena grimaced. “You need to see a first aider.”

The thought of being touched by someone else, by being poke and prodded, even if it was to help her, made her whole body go cold. She tightened her grip around Cullen and forced a hoarse: “no.”

“You might need stitches.”

Exhausted, Nevena shook her head. “No.”

Cullen breathed out very slowly, “we’ll go back to Varric’s when you’re ready, okay? Call a doctor out to where it’s more familiar if need be.”

Nevena nodded.

“Do you want to go back to Varric’s?”

She nodded again.

“Okay.” Cullen kissed her forehead, his lips lingering on her flushed and sweaty skin. She opened her eyes for a moment to catch a glimpse of him. His face, stricken with worry, and his skin almost grey. Kirkwall had been just as bad as Haven, if not worse. She squeezed her arms around him, trying to convey in her gesture that she didn’t blame him. Forming words was too hard right now. Cullen squeezed her back. “Just breathe…”

Nevena wondered if he was telling her, or himself.

The journey back to Varric’s was a blur. All Cullen could focus on was Nevena, trembling beside him, as they walked through the streets towards the town house. Her head bowed, she shrank away from everything, light, sound, even Cassandra when she guided Nevena upstairs in the house to wait for the doctor Varric called on their way home.

It didn’t take long for the doctor to arrive, in his mid-thirties with sandy coloured hair pulled into a dishevelled ponytail, Varric gestured for him to go upstairs and then joined Cullen in the living room where he was pacing.

Pacing, back and forth, wearing a pattern in the carpet, his phone in hand and words of anger burning on his tongue. Never, in his entire life, had Cullen felt a rage like this. It was as though a bloodlust had taken over his better senses, and he had nothing physical to take it out on, except the carpet and his own footsteps. His hand clenched around his phone. He thought of Ineria, back at Haven. In that big manor house, probably beside herself with glee, thinking of what her callous and cruel actions might have brought about.

What could he say to her? What could he say that could thoroughly and completely express how much he despised her? How could he properly illustrate with words just what an evil woman Ineria was? How low her tactic of sending Rick after Nevena was? Would it matter? Would she even care? He doubted it, but he so desperately wanted to say something. To give her a piece of his mind, even if he could only do it over the phone.

“--Curly!”

Cullen stopped, only because Varric stood in his path and held a mug of steaming black coffee out towards him. “What?!” Cullen snapped, drawing in a deep breath afterwards. “Sorry, Varric.” He ran his hand down over his face. His heart rate was still up, the adrenaline still pumping through his system. His mind turned over the different things he wanted to say, listing them in concise bullet points. Cullen glanced around the living room for a pen and a pad of paper.

“Sit down.” Varric said, his voice taking on a tone of authority and making the suggestion sound more like an order. When Cullen didn’t move, Varric’s expression grew harsher. “Sit. And give me your phone.”

“Why?” Cullen took the coffee and sat, but held tight to his phone, even as Varric held his hand out for it, expectantly.

“Because I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know it’s a bad idea, whatever it is.”

Cullen squeezed his fingers tighter around it. “I could kill her.” He said in a low growl. “Ineria, I could fucking kill her.”

“That’s why you need to give me your phone.” Cullen offered no resistance when Varric slid the phone from out of his fist. “You need to calm down.”

“She sent him after her.” Cullen snarled, opening and closing his hands in his lap. “She sent him after her, knowing what he’d done. Knowing what he would probably try to do! How could she do that?!”

“I don’t know.” Varric sighed. He sat on a foot stool opposite Cullen so they were level with each other. “I don’t know Nevena’s family, or the ex-boyfriend, but I know you can’t see her like this. The poor thing’s scared to death, and if you go up there this angry and declaring you want to kill someone – even if you have the best intentions and Nevena’s safety at heart, you’re going to make things worse.”

He was right. Of course he was, Cullen knew that. He knew going and being with Nevena while he was as angry as he was, would not be a good idea. That anger would be palpable, it would make her more frightened than she already was. He didn’t want to be another Rick in her life, and he would not let that anger control him. It was the reason he wasn’t up there now with her, Cassandra and the doctor. Varric was smart enough to take him to one side, to separate him until he was calm and coherent. The last thing Cullen wanted to do was scare Nevena. He didn’t want her to ever be afraid of him. Never wanted to her to look at him the way he saw her look at Rick. The fear on her face, in her eyes, was something that would haunt him.  

“I know.” Cullen exhaled a long breath, concentrating on the sensation of his lungs emptying and the movement of his chest. “I just… I can’t understand how someone could be so cruel. Nevena isn’t to blame for anything that’s gone wrong in Ineria’s life. Any of the imagined slights… That she would do this is…”

“There’s nothing for you or her to do about it right now.” Varric explained with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. “I think the best thing right now is that you drink your coffee, and call the Josef guy, let him know everything is okay.”

“Yeah… yeah, I should do that.” Cullen nodded and Varric handed his phone back to him.

He didn’t drink the coffee, knowing it would only make him more wired than he already was. Instead, he went out into the garden, and skimmed through the numbers on his phone. For a moment, his thumb hovered over the number for Haven – he had entered it before leaving Denerim, in case he needed to call for directions. He considered tapping the call symbol and ignoring Varric’s advice. The thought of giving Ineria a piece of his mind was tempting, but who would that help in the long run? It might make him feel better for a moment, but the fallout from that would undoubtedly land squarely in Nevena’s lap, and he couldn’t do that to her. She’d been through enough at Ineria’s hands.

Skimming passed Haven’s number, he found Josef’s a little lower down the list now he had it entered properly and tapped the call symbol. After a couple of rings, Josef picked up.

“Hey Cullen.”

“Hey…”

“Everything okay?”

“Is now a good time?” He asked, slipping his free hand into his pocket and staring upwards towards the sky. There was thick cloud cover. It would snow tonight.

“Sure, kids are getting ready for bed.” Josef sounded tired, “did anything happen?”

Cullen sighed. He rubbed the five o’clock shadow on his chin, “Rick found her.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry, I should have called earlier. I tried calling Nevena’s phone before you, but I couldn’t reach her. Maybe I have her number down wrong.” Josef paused a moment or two. “How bad was it?”

“Honestly, nothing could have prepared me. Nevena’s told me what he put her through, how he treated her. But seeing it playing out in front of me… I feel sick just thinking about it. Knowing she had to endure years of…” Cullen clenched his jaw and swallowed, hard. “How could no one in the family have believed her?”

“I don’t know. I wish… I wish I’d stepped in more. I… It’s no excuse, but you’ve seen how the family is. How they close ranks. If you speak out of turn, you’re an enemy. With the kids at stake I couldn’t risk them.”

“I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine Ineria is an easy woman to get out from under the heel of.”

Josef snorted, “You’re not wrong. She—“ he sighed, and Cullen could imagine him ruffling his salt-and-pepper hair. “I should have left a long time ago. The kids aren’t safe with her. I was a coward.”

“At least you made the hard choice and left now.”

“Yeah. It’s a temporary solution. I have to think of something long term while the legal battles are being fought. I can only hope I get full custody of the kids and that whatever trauma they endure, or have endured at her hands, we can work through.” There was a silence of a few seconds and then Josef cleared his throat. “How’s Nevena?”

“Shaken up. Terrified of everything that moves. This last few weeks has been horrific for her.”

“At least she’s had you to turn to.”

“I don’t know if I’ve been much help.” Cullen thought back to his nightmares. “I can’t talk long, I just wanted to let you know Nevena was safe now. Maybe you could let Matilda know?”

“Yeah, I will do. She’ll be relieved to hear it.”

“Make sure she doesn’t blame herself, okay? This isn’t her fault.”

“I’ll tell her, but I don’t know if it’ll do much good. Thanks for calling, Cullen.”

“No problem. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Josef hung up, and Cullen slid his phone into his pocket. His breath turned to steam in the air, and he stood in the cold for a few minutes letting it penetrate his skin. The chill chased away whatever adrenaline was still racing around his system. He was calmer than when he first came back to the house and his main thought was to go upstairs and check on Nevena. He turned and went back into the house, wiping his feet on the mat inside the kitchen. Cassandra appeared in the doorway and stood with her arms crossed.

“Is the doctor still here?”

“No, he’s left.” Cassandra replied, her tone short and clipped as though she was angry. “She doesn’t need stitches, thank the Maker, but he’s given her some painkillers for her arm.”

Cullen rubbed his face, “at least he didn’t break her arm or something.”

“I left her to have a shower.” Cassandra said. She didn’t move from the doorway, even when Cullen approached. Those sharp eyes of hers narrowed, almost glaring into him and Cullen backed up a few steps.

“Can I see her?”

“In a moment.” She walked into the kitchen and closed the door behind her. Cullen suddenly felt cornered. “Do you realise what you said? When you were confronting him?”

Cullen crossed his arms, defences rising. “What did I say?”

“You said you love her.” Cassandra’s unwavering gaze bored into him, and her expression was made more severe by the sharp angles of her cheekbones.

“I… I did?” Cullen swallowed to dampen his throat that was suddenly parched.  

“Yes.” Cassandra said with cold stillness. “You did.”

“I… I didn’t realise.” He cursed his hesitation on his words. Cassandra would never believe him if he stammered or if he hesitated. He could see her mind turning over everything he was saying, her eyes watching his every move, looking for tells. “I was just trying to get his focus on me and off her. Catch him off-guard.” He added, hoping the explanation would suffice.

Cassandra gauged him in silence. He could feel her weighing him up in her eyes. Considering his words and how they contrasted with his body language. He tried to keep her gaze, but in a battle of wills, she won. “You really didn’t realise?” She took several steps towards him.

Keeping his gaze down, Cullen unfolded his arms and slid one hand into his pocket. With the other he brushed his thumb over the scar on his lip.

“Cullen…”

“Please don’t lecture me.” Cullen met Cassandra’s gaze. To his surprise it softened and the tension in her body lessened. “Please. It wasn’t the best time, I know. I didn’t mean to say it. It just-- I wanted his attention on me. I wanted to get her to safety. I wanted--” He sighed and dragged his hands down his face. “Fuck.”

“I’m not going to lecture you.” Said Cassandra. “Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment.”

“That wasn’t the heat of the moment though.” Cullen replied, “I wasn’t shouting. I wasn’t under attack or desperate. I was completely calm and trying to take control of the situation. It wasn’t planned, but it wasn’t exactly spontaneous, either.”

“Cullen,” Cassandra sighed, “whatever you said, in whatever way I only hope you’re sure, and certain in your conviction. I don’t think Nevena can take much more, and if you retract that statement now – if she heard it… I fear that she might just break.”

“I won’t retract it. I don’t want to. It’s the truth.”

She said nothing, simply regarded him in silence and stepped to one side giving him access to the door. Cullen went towards it and reached for the handle. “You may want to rethink plans of going to Ostwick. I’m sure Varric can explain to Dorian and Josephine. They’d understand.”

Cullen threw her a quick glance. “I’ll talk to Nevena about it.”

Climbing the stairs, Cullen quickly pushed his fingers through his hair and took several slow breaths. In the conversation with Cassandra his heart started racing. It hadn’t occurred to him that other people would have heard his declaration and given Cassandra’s warnings about slowing down earlier that day it made sense that she would be the first to broach the subject with him. Warning him of how his words might have consequences. He expected more of a telling off – the kind of reprimand his sister Mia occasionally gave him when he was being particularly obtuse. Cassandra’s softness with him was welcome, even though she likely disapproved of the rash word choice, he was glad she wasn’t fighting him on it.

Once upstairs Cullen saw steam escaping from the bathroom through a gap between the door and the lintel. He supposed Nevena left it open, in case she needed to shout down for something. Walking passed, he glanced inside through the crack left open. He expected to see a glimpse of skin and nothing else, instead he saw her huddled in the corner of the shower, still fully clothed. Something inside him cracked, sending a sharp pain pulsing through his chest.

“Oh, Nev…”

He entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him. After removing his shoes, and his phone from his pocket, he went to the shower and sat down beside Nevena. She flinched away when he tried to put an arm around her. He left his hands in his lap, one open, palm up and fingers open in case Nevena wanted to hold it.

The water was too hot for him, and he was soaked through in moments. Droplets clung to his eyelashes and drenched his hair. He didn’t move or talk. The spray was too loud as the sound bounced off the walls and there was so little he could say or do that he felt would be a comfort. He noticed there were raw scratches on the backs of Nevena’s hands where she was clutching her legs to her protectively. Tentatively, Cullen reached towards her and coaxed a hand into his. He ran his fingertips along the scratches.

“Shall I see if there’s any antiseptic in the cabinet?” He asked and waited for a reply. He got it in the form of a small, silent nod. “Can I turn the shower off?” Another nod.

The silence of the bathroom was strange after the constant stream of water and the way the sound echoed. Cullen got to his feet, dripping and his jeans squelching a little when he walked from the shower to the small cabinet above the sink. He dug through various tubes, bottles and cardboard boxes until he found what he was looking for. Antiseptic in hand, he went back to the shower pausing when he saw Nevena start to rise onto her feet. She used the wall to support herself, and Cullen was quick to step in, placing his hands on her waist and leading her away from the shower to sit on the toilet seat. He grabbed a towel off the rail and started to pat her dry.

“I threw up.” Nevena mumbled, “twice.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Cullen squatted in front of her, “that’s okay.” He put the towel to one side and grabbed the antiseptic from the sink. “Can I see your hands?”

She held her hands out in front of him, sleeves rolled up to her elbows. The scratches went almost all the way up her forearms, but the worst ones were directly on the backs of her hands. Cullen uncapped the antiseptic and started to treat them with a small dab of cream. He noticed her hands were shaking. Now the shower wasn’t running the bathroom was cold, but he doubted her trembling was due to that.

“I used to do this before.” Nevena said, watching him gently rub the cream into her skin. “Sit in the shower. The sound would drown out my thoughts, and…” She clenched her fingers into fists, choking on a breath. “I just want to get him off me.” Her voice was a harsh, angry whisper and Cullen saw tears already falling when he looked at her face.

“Nev…” He put the tube back on the sink. “We should get you dry, before you catch cold.” It hurt to see her so broken, so afraid. Cullen’s chest ached and while he wanted to offer her comfort and soothing words, there was nothing he could say that would truly take away or make better what she just experienced. All he could do, all he knew how to do, was to be practical.

He guided her to her bedroom, left her with a towel and then went to his own to dry off and change. It took him all of two minutes to do, when he returned, Nevena was where he left her, still dripping and shivering. It was like Christmas Day all over again, only worse. Nevena was numb and so far out of her own head, it was like she couldn’t function.

There was little Cullen could do to help her mental state, so he fell back on what he knew, and helped her change. It was awkward, mostly due to the weight of the wet clothes but there was no sexual tension between them or arousal he felt on seeing her bare skin or when garments were removed. That wasn’t what this was. This was the only thing he could think of to do, to help. He put wet clothes in the bathroom when they were removed and left the bedroom when Nevena was mostly undressed and only her jeans and underwear needed to be removed and changed. He waited until she opened the door when she was ready.

She wore dry pyjamas and went and sat on the side of the bed. Unbidden, Cullen sat beside her. He took her hands in his and they were both silent except for their breathing. He ran his thumbs over his knuckles. Words were not his strong suit, but he could at least let her know he was there, that she was safe, and he wasn’t going anywhere with simply his own presence.

It might have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes before Nevena spoke.

“I’m never going to be rid of him, am I?” she asked. Cullen lifted his gaze to her. She was staring straight ahead at the opposing wall. “He’s always going to be there in some form or another.”

Cullen considered his words. He could offer placebos and platitudes. He could lie to her and make it sound like she would forget him one day. He could help her make believe that one day she would wake up and never remember anything about Rick, or the things he put her through. But that wouldn’t have been fair. He knew first hand that some things never left a person, no matter how much time passed. Lying would have been cruel.

“Probably.” He said, inclining his head towards Nevena. She automatically tilted her head to one side, allowing him to kiss her temple. “I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could tell you that it’ll get easier. That one day you’ll wake up and have forgotten his face and his voice, and you’ll have forgotten everything he did to you.” His felt his throat closing as he spoke, raw emotion forcing him to swallow hard. “I wish I could erase that part of your life entirely – no one deserves what he put you through, least of all you.”

“You could tell me that.” Nevena looked at him, eyes bloodshot and tired. “You could lie to me.”

“I could,” Cullen agreed with a sombre nod of his head. “But do you really want me to? Would it help?”

Her expression grew thoughtful before it crumbled, and she pulled one hand away to stifle a sob. “Probably not.”

Cullen pulled gently on the hand he still held and guided Nevena into his arms. He wrapped her up within his embrace, resting his cheek on top of her hair as she buried herself against him. “I’ll help you through this, in whatever way I can.” He told her, stroking down her back.

“I’m getting your clothes wet with my hair.”

“It’s fine.” Cullen said, “I have lots of clothes.”

Nevena lifted her head, a small smile just ghosting over her lips. “Thank you. You really saved me today.” Cullen kissed her forehead. “Would you mind staying with me?”

“Of course not.” He spoke with his lips pressed to her forehead. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”

This chapter... went through a lot of edits. A lot of drafts. A lot of changes.

My first, initial desire was to have Nevena stand up for herself. I desperately wanted her to stand up and tell Rick 'no'. I wanted to demonstrate that she was strong, and had overcome all the trauma he put her through. But that would have been a lie. That would have been a cop-out, and it wouldn't have been sincere.

Like love doesn't magically heal Cullen's PTSD, love doesn't magically cure Nevena's, either. What Rick put her through, the trauma he inflicted on her mentally, emotionally, and physically can't be healed and overcome so easily. Is Nevena a stronger person now than she was when she was with Rick? Oh, undoubtedly. But, she's also still a person who was traumatized for years by someone. She's a person who was beaten down to almost nothing by a person. She was used, and abused, and no matter how much stronger she might be now, she still fears her abuser.

To have her stand up for herself, and have this "strong woman" moment didn't feel honest. It felt forced, and untrue to her character, and also untrue to many survivors. As one myself, I know if this situation happened to me... I wouldn't be able to stand up to my abusers. I'd want to, and Nevena wants to and maybe one day she'll be able to, but she's not there yet.

This version of this chapter did feel honest. To have her fearful. To have her tearful, and reverting back to methods she hoped would placate him. It felt - for lack of a better word - right. I'm not a fan of the damsel in distress trope. I wanted to avoid it at all costs, but in this situation... there wasn't another way to go that was true to the situation and the characters. I felt the need to write this explanation because I'm genuinely worried for the reaction to this chapter. I feel like I'll be disappointing readers, because Nevena doesn't get to give RIck a piece of her mind. I'm afraid you'll all be disappointed that Cullen stepped in, and that Nevena didn't stand up for herself. But... as I've stated, it didn't feel genuine or sincere.

I hope, despite the heaviness of this chapter, you were able to enjoy it. I might have to take March off from uploads because I'm running out of buffer chapters, and need to get some writing done - but we'll see. Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter, and for sticking with this fic for so long. I'm grateful to every single one of you. Please do let me know your honest thoughts in reblogs/comments/tags, and I'll see you in the next chapter.

[crollalanzaa]

tagged by @le-amewzing  - thankies. This looks fun, but yikes to the early stuff. I hope I can find something. 

Rules: 1. Post a quote or short excerpt from your early days of writing/ARTING.(I’m talking old fanfics/ART, slash fics/ART, original fic/ART, etc., that are barely edited and have a ton of technical errors and misspelled words.) This is the cringe part. Don’t edit anything! Let it be horrendous. Don’t Panic.

2. Post a quote or short excerpt from one of your most recent works/WIPs. Something that you’re proud of. Something that you’ve written/ARTED that makes you smile when you read it.

3. Tag a writer/artist you admire, anyone who you think is amazing, new friends, followers, writeblrs, anyone who you’d like to know more about. If you think someone is a great writer/artist and you want to see how they’ve developed their skills, tag them! Everyone started somewhere.

1)  From The Lions of Gryffindor which I’d link to, but I wrote about 22 chapters and it’s unfinished and never will be, so ...

Bit of context, this is set during Marauder era and starts at the scene Harry witnessed through the Pensieve when his Dad was hexing Snape. Plot Twist, which I never got to in the story, but was supposed to tie it up, James saw Harry. 

Remus looked at him quizzically. Then he walked away, picking up Snape’s wand and exam paper, smoothing it out as he did so. He turned and looked squarely at his friend. “Picking on Severus Snape is not the way to impress her, James, and you stopped far too late for Lily to see.” James flushed as he walked off. He knew why he’d hesitated and it hadn’t just been Lily’s scorn. He’d seen something by that bush and it hadn’t been a student coming to Snape's rescue. It had been silver, fainter than a ghost and it had looked just like himself. However, it was a James Potter in shock. A James Potter with disgust on his face and just for a moment he’d felt ashamed.

2)  From a cuckoo in the nest - my first Shokugeki story featuring Isshiki, Nene, Tsukasa and Rindou. I like this part because it makes me smile a little wistfully. I wrote a small backstory for Isshiki that makes me a little sad. And I’m proud of this story because for a first in a new fandom, I don;t think I made a bad job of writing the characters. 

She snorted, then pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and took a breath. “I can’t believe your earliest memory is my home.”

She’d stressed ‘my’, and he wondered if that was deliberate, a way to exclude him because he was an Isshiki not a Kinokuni. A guest—honoured it was true—but still the cuckoo in the nest.

He shook his head. “It was something to say, Nene-chan. There’s a scent I remember. Jasmine, I think, and a voice singing a lullaby, but—”

“My Mom cooked, she didn’t sing,” Nene interrupted. “And she never wears perfume.”

“I know. I must be imagining it.”

He’d seen photographs, of course, her smile as wide as a sunbeam, laughter in every plane of her face.  But nine months was far too young to retain a memory. So he must have manufactured this illusion of love encircling him as surely as a mother cradling her precious son.

He must have.

They walked in silence, Nene watching the path she trod, Satoshi’s eyes on the horizon, for a world out there, unrestricted, unconfined.  

tags: @medeadea @bisexuallaurellance @andramion @wildkitte @janespendlove @amalasdraws